Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-24-16

Episode Date: November 24, 2016

Bill rambles about Thanksgiving, football and Isis.

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Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'll just check it in on ya. Oh, I'm just, oh, happy turkey day to you. Oh, you know stuffing and potatoes and pie and beer.

Cranberries and gravy and your cousin who's gay. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Happy Thanksgiving. Happy not having to fucking go to work today. You around the table? Are you sitting down yet? Well, if you haven't gone downstairs yet, I got some advice for you.

Today is gonna be a day, I think there's gonna be a lot of fucking arguments. A lot of fucking arguments at the table, right? The big fucking election. Some people wanted the guy with the eyebrows. Some people wanted the fucking lady with the pantsuit. Right? This is what you gotta do.

See, you're already gonna have a fight, right? There's already gonna be your older brother. There's gonna be this person. There's gonna be another, somebody's gonna say something, right? And you're gonna be, you're gonna have a couple of wild fucking turkeys as you're standing over there, you know?

Eating a fucking appetizer or two. Somebody's gonna be getting on your nerves. Maybe somebody's fucking wife who won't shut the fuck up, right? Why the fuck did he marry her? Maybe, maybe it's the husband. Jesus Christ, what is she doing with this guy? All he does is fucking talk about himself.

Something's gonna drive you up the fucking wall. If it's not this, it's gonna be that. This is the phrase, this is the phrase that's gonna save your day, okay? Save the whole fucking day. Cause you're not gonna change anybody's opinion. All these fucking jerks off, still yelling, how could you vote for Trump?

Well, what the fuck about Hillary? You're not changing, you're just gonna fucking yell at each other. So here's the phrase you gotta use to get through this fucking day, all right? Along with the alcohol or whatever drug you fucking wanna use. Just fair enough, you know?

Hey, fair enough. That's all you gotta do. What'd you say? Hey, hey, hey, hey, guys, guys, guys, fair enough. Fair enough, whatever. You don't need to see him anymore, right? Now, if you're younger and you still live there, that's kind of fucking tough.

I don't know what to tell you, but if you've already moved out of the house, why are you still arguing with these people? Why are you still trying to change their fucking minds? You're not gonna change their minds, all right? I don't give a fuck if you're majored in debating, it's your stupid fucking school in the woods, whatever the fuck it is you did.

And now you're coming back and now you think you know something and you think that your fucking siblings wanna hear it. You know what, they don't. The same way you don't wanna hear the way they fucking eat when they've had a couple, two, three, right? And all of a sudden, everything just sounds like they're eating fucking mashed potatoes.

You know, you start having these murderous fucking thoughts. You know, just fair enough. Hey, hey, fair enough, whatever, whatever. Was that what you think? Is that how you look at the world? Hey, God bless ya. Past the fucking peas and carrots. Fair enough, fair enough, you know?

That's all you gotta do. That eventually, the meal's gonna be over, all right? And you're gonna get in your fucking car and you're gonna drive away. Unless you stay in there for the weekend. Well then you gotta go out to, I don't know, you gotta Uber, you gotta Uber, all right? You gotta get the fuck out of there.

Yeah, Thanksgiving is such a great day. There's no pressure to get any gifts. You eat a bunch of great food. All of that is tremendous, okay? Unless, unless you go into her fucking family's house or his family's house, that's a weird one. Because, you know, you're used to all your family's food and Thanksgiving, you know how it's supposed to taste.

Now you're gonna go somewhere else. It's gonna taste a little bit different, you know? This is like a classic stand-up bit. Like here's how it usually is, but when you fucking blah, blah, blah, oh, it's a whole different story, right? And you just gotta suck it up and just be like, you know, worst case scenario, this absolutely fucking sucks,

you know, in which case, fair enough. You know, you don't know how to cook, okay? You're supposed to cook today. You know, it's like when it's somebody's birthday. Most people can't sing, but goddamn it, you gotta sing the song so they do the best they can. Happy birthday, right? They do what the fuck they can.

Well, sometimes you gotta take the same fucking theory of a tone-deaf person singing happy birthday to you because they love you, right? You gotta apply that to food, which is a motherfucker, which brings it to how do I make it look like I ate this shit when I really didn't? Well, oh, Jesus, I don't know how to do this one. What you gotta do is you gotta fucking,

you gotta engage in a lot of conversation as you just sorta fucking hit in the plate with your fork a little bit, as if you almost, like, you know that noise people make when they want someone to make a speech that annoying fucking thing, you know? Oh my God, nothing fucking makes my goddamn blood boil. Like when I'm in the middle of a fucking conversation

and some cunt starts hitting a glass with the fork and then for whatever social fucking reason I have to now shut up, you know? Oh my God, that gets me going, but not today. Not today, everybody. Hey, fair enough. Hey, somebody's down the fucking street over there with a little fucking spoon, knocking it against some glass.

You know? I guess we all have to start, as adults, we have to shut the fuck up, right? Like we're working for this asshole. Babe, you know what, hey, fair enough. Fair enough, you know? You just fucking sit there. Oh, oh, here we go.

Oh, good. Oh, here's a cliched, what I'm thankful for speech. Oh, is that what you're thankful for? You know what I'm thankful for, lady? Every fucking word that comes out of your mouth is one less word, it was one word closer to the end of whatever the fuck it is you're saying. You know?

That's what, you know, the passive aggressive move is when someone's in the middle of that, is you fucking ask somebody, you just kind of pointed somebody, you pointed a plate, you know? Little fucking, yeah, give me that butter, right? And then they're still yammering on, you know? You know, back in 1983, when we first saw this house,

right, and you're just sitting there buttering your fucking roll. Oh, is this motherfucker gonna go every goddamn year from 1983? Hey, you know what, fair enough, fair enough, yeah. I didn't wanna wear this sweater, right? These fucking, are these potatoes instant? These fucking potatoes, hey, fair enough.

Hey, you didn't have time to fucking cook real ones. Maybe they ran out of them down the, where was the last fucking time they ever ran out of potatoes? They never run out of potatoes in this country. It's why there's so many fucking Irish people over here, right? Fucking Irish men, they tapped out on their own country.

One fucking time in their whole history, they run out of potatoes, and everybody fucking jumped ship, right? But not the real Irish men. The real Irish men and real ladies, they fucking stuck around. Not like these cowards that all moved to fucking New Jersey. But you know what, hey, fair enough, you know,

they wanted some potatoes. This is one of these days, people, you know? And if you're younger, man, you gotta enjoy the holidays, because they're never gonna get, it doesn't get better than, you know, because you don't know any better. So the food tastes the way the fucking food

is supposed to taste in your world, right? Everyone who's supposed to be there is there, you know? It's when you get older and you start expanding your fucking world, and all of a sudden, you know, Jesus Christ, I mean, you're sitting there with somebody, you might, I mean, you might be sitting at that fucking table being, I don't even know if I'm with the right person right now.

What the fuck am I, hey, you know what? Hey, say it with me, fair enough, I'm with somebody that I probably was never really in love with, but didn't realize what love was, you know? And now here I am, and all I gotta do is not get in an argument for one fucking day. I can do this, right? By Saturday, I'm gonna be out of this fucking relationship,

and you know what, oh, I'm gonna be thankful then! You betcha, sweet fucking ass! Oh my God, if it starts going into politics, if it starts going into politics, you almost need like a referee during this period of US history to just literally step in with one of those footlocker fucking athletes,

foot ref shirts, blow a fucking whistle, and just send the two people to opposite fucking lazy boys. Let it go, let it, hey, hey, it's over, it's over, she went home, she went home, it's over, okay? She's not coming back, I don't think she's got a third run in her, all right? Sir, sit down, sit down, sit down, buddy, nobody's building a wall today, okay?

Just fucking relax. Maybe it could be the peacemaker, who knows? Who the fuck knows? I'm actually very excited, you wouldn't know it this year for Thanksgiving, because I'm back in my house, the kitchen is done. Oh my God, the fucking kitchen is unbelievable. My lovely wife fucking freaked when she saw it,

she wasn't looking at it, you know? She says like, I just wanna see it when it's done, I wanna see it when it's done, I didn't, I was peeking at the presents the whole time, ruining my Christmas, but I was having to make sure that the shit was looking all right, right? So she got to see it from basically a gutted kitchen to just bam, right there Fred, a fucking brand new kitchen,

and it's absolutely gorgeous, the people who built it, you know what, that's what I'm thankful for, the people who fucking built it, man, it's like, I can't believe that that thing is in my house, and I get to go in there and make myself a little egg over agey this morning, with some bacon and all that. By the way, I bought that fucking grill top,

I bought that lit fucking griddle thing last night, and Nia's pissed at me, sort of. You wait, I'm gonna make her one grand slam breakfast, all right, watch her shut the fuck up. Little bit of fucking hash brown, some fucking bacon, right? Slide the bacon over, you cook the fucking eggs in the grease of the bacon, like nobody can handle that. I don't know why the fuck we have Guantanamo Bay,

all those fucking people down there, if you want them to talk, you just make them a grand slam breakfast with the eggs cooked in the grease from the bacon, and just be like, hey buddy, not for nothing, I don't know what people told you, but this right here, this is America, okay, welcome. She's gotta answer a couple of questions here.

I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, it's early out here, give me a fucking break, all right, what do you want from me? Okay, you don't like the park, I say guess what, fair enough, fair enough, I get it. There's plenty of other podcasts, hey, you enjoy, go to all things comedy, wonderful podcast network, go check out Ari Shafir, Skeptic Tank,

you know, the Burke Kreischer podcast, I don't know what the fucking names of them are, what am I, what am I, these fucking encyclopedia podcasting over here? Yeah, there's gonna be a lot of arguments today, and it'll be a victory if, you know, if you don't get in one. Maybe you could be that person that keeps everybody out of it,

as everybody starts screaming and yelling, you know, he's a fucking sex offender, blah, blah, blah, well she's a fucking dad, all that type of shit, you can be in the background like, hey, anybody try this pie? Just walk right in the middle of it. Oh man, I wanna see a compilation of YouTube videos of the political fucking,

I've almost said discourse, that's probably the wrong fucking word. Do you realize how many fucking words I know that I don't even know what the fuck they mean, I just know what words they go with, you know? Discourse goes with political, political discourse, you know, you use the word ornate when you're in a theater, I don't know what it means.

You know, I got a computer, I got to look at it, hey, fair enough, I got to look it up, why am I gonna bore you guys with this shit? So anyways, I'm back in my house and one of the great things about being back in my house is when I get back to my house, okay, I get back to all my sports packages, okay? I got the fucking centerized package, not bragging,

I'm thankful for it, you know. I have it, you don't, hey, fair enough, come on over, all right? I got the fucking NBA one, I don't even know what it's called. I just watched the Celtics, to me it's the Celtics Network. I watched the first half yesterday, we're doing all right against the fucking Brooklyn Nets. You know, I think it's cool they moved to Brooklyn.

That place when they were in New Jersey, that was just sad, that was just a sad fucking place. You know, maybe not for the devils, but for the Nets, it was fucking sad. You know, admit it, New Jersey people, you never had love for them, you know? The Nets were like that foreign exchange student who never fucking went home.

You know, or whatever, you adopted a kid because you thought it was a good idea, you know? You saw one of these fucking stylists out here doing it, you're like, all right, we'll do it, we'll fuck it, we'll take them on, what do they ever do to you? You had some good years, oh, Jason, kid, I'm sorry if I'm fucking knocking these halls around my mouth, I've had this fucking cough for goddamn,

I don't know, like two fucking weeks, you know, because my wife with the condition she's in, she's fucking always hot, so she's got the goddamn AC going and it just dries out my throat. I've never been someone, I fucking hate air conditioning. Unless it's like 9,000 fucking degrees out, then I like it, other than that, I don't like sleeping,

you know, feeling like I'm camping in my goddamn house, you know, I like it like, you know, nice fucking, you know, 70, 71 degrees. I need a seven, that first number's gotta be a seven, like the price is right, you know? Let's see, that's seven, right? You start getting into the sixes, I wake up the next day, I'm stuffy,

I got a fucking, my throat's killing me, I don't know. And I'll tell you people, speaking of killing me, I've been, I'm starting to begin the building of my new hour and obviously having a kid's gonna be a whole new angle for me, but the kid's not here yet, so I just been up on stage just fucking throwing shit against the wall, and last night I went up, did like 12 minutes, nothing from my other act,

and I just, Jesus Christ, you wanna talk about just feeling like you have nothing, just being punched out, and I actually have some leftover shit I could have probably done, but whatever, I did all right, I did all right, went down there with a friend of mine, just fucking knocking out new shit. We'll see, we'll see, my special's coming out in January,

so I'm hoping I have a very inspirational December. Actually, that's not true because I don't really, I don't have any road gigs until February, and oh, do I have some fucking road gigs? We're putting together one and fucking Charlotte, and I know what you're thinking, like dude, you were just fucking there. I'm gonna be doing the club there

because the following day, I'm going to Duke Carolina. Oh yeah, go fuck yourselves. I'm gonna go see Coach K at Duke. Can't fucking wait, it's gonna be fucking crazy. Absolute legendary, legendary bucket list. You know, I gotta get my college hoop fucking games going here. I saw Indiana, I saw the University of Indiana, the Hoosiers, who by the way,

who'd they fucking lose to the other day? Like Indiana Regional Technical, something or other. It's their first fucking win of any goddamn rank team ever. I really should know their name. I apologize that I don't. I saw my adopted college team, Kansas. I don't know if they won their tournament. I was watching a little bit of that Wisconsin one.

I watched the semifinals when Wisconsin beat Georgetown, and I missed the final, which was Wisconsin versus UNC because I went out and I was doing my homework last night. But I'm a Jayhawks fan. I don't even know why. I always wanted to go to their fucking the field house, whatever the fuck they call it. That's a bucket list thing for me.

I went to an Indiana Hoosier game way back in the day when Bobby Knight was still there. The year Michigan State won the title, early 2000s. I went there and I scalped a student ticket, and I was so fucking excited. And when I got to the gate, the guys looking at me, I mean, at that point I was like fucking in my 30s and shit, right?

So the guys looking at me like, dude, you're not a student. And I was, I had nothing. I just went, come on. And he goes, all right, get in there. I remember when that came out of my mouth, I was like, oh, fuck, I'm not getting in. Come on, that's all you had. You didn't go with, I'm a graduate student.

Or I got that Brad Pitt disease from that fucking movie. He did with Taraji P. Henson. Remember when he came out as an old baby? I would tell you this story when I watched that movie, how much I annoyed the woman in front of me. There's a scene in there when this dude is trying to fuck this chick and the fucking old baby won't shut the fuck up.

And I forget what he said, but the look on his face was basically like, lady, if you don't get that 80 year old baby, the fuck out of here? I swear to God, I can't remember. I was fucking crying, laughing. Typical comedian, it was supposed to be this really heavy emotional moment

that's supposed to bring tears. And instead, I don't know if you're a comedian, it just makes you laugh your ass off. Because what am I gonna do? I'm gonna fucking sit in there crying. I'm in a goddamn mall. I'll cry about that. I'll cry that I'm in a mall.

I'm not gonna fucking cry while in a mall watching a movie, right? Maybe I should have. Maybe that's what the fuck's wrong with me. But anyways, so I'll be watching, I'll be talking about the Bruins. I did watch the Bruins versus the fuck we'll be playing. I know we got Ottawa.

How do you watch a goddamn game and you can't even remember who the fuck they played? All I know is Chara went down in the second period. Wait, it was one to nothing. Then it was one, oh, we played the Blues. My adopted Western Conference fucking team, that's right. It was one to one, then it was two on us, then two to them. Right when Chara went out,

that's when it started fucking going downhill. Ended up being four, two, a nice fucking home loss. You know, it was great. I fucking put it on the center ice package. They were like, Bruins, is that a nice fucking winning streak? Yeah, cause old freckles fucking put it on. And it was, what the fuck am I talking about here? I gotta read a little.

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I missed yesterday because it was a day before fucking Thanksgiving we had to run around and go get some shit. Oh, I didn't mention, yeah, so this year I'm not, we're not having Thanksgiving here despite the fact, you know, we have a brand new kitchen. We were planning to fucking have people over and then what happened? Every all of a sudden, a couple of people dropped out,

everything went out the window and then we had to scramble. Now we got all this fucking food, but whatever. I got the grill top coming, I'll fucking cook it later. We're actually calling an audible and we're going over some friend's house, which is perfect, you know, because we're traveling the day of, so most people aren't gonna be on the fucking road, they're already there, you know?

Already getting into an argument because they didn't listen to this podcast, they didn't know enough to be like, hey man, fair enough, fair enough. Hey, is that what you think? God bless you for thinking that. You think that and I'm not gonna change you from thinking that, but I don't need to think

what you think and you know what? All I have to do is eat with you today, that's it. Then I'm gonna walk into the fucking living room, you know, want to go in there to watch the football game? Oh fuck, are you watching the Westminster dog show instead of the football? Hey, hey, fair enough. Fair enough, you'd like to watch a bunch

of clean poodles prancing around, you know? I don't get it, but you get it. You got here first, whatever, whatever. You got a vagina, you run things. Even though you always say you don't. Okay, go ahead, do it, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, look at that giant float. Oh my God, remember Bullwinkle?

Of course, of course I do. Anyways, we're going over to a friend's house and all I have to do is just bring the fucking liquor and then I'm good to go. Nia's bringing over a tray of fucking mac and cheese and that's it and then we're gonna go over there, we're gonna eat, have a good fucking time. I'll fare enough my way through the whole fucking party.

I'll get my goddamn car, I drive home. No leftovers, no fucking munching away, putting on a ton of goddamn weight, you know? Perfect, fucking perfect. So anyway, so I've been playing drums like a fucking lunatics, but yesterday, you know, I got all these nieces and nephews and shit, I gotta buy him some fucking toys and, you know,

so I was out there buying, you know, just, I don't know, a bunch of goddamn shit and I don't know, God help the fucking people that go on Friday, you know? It's too late to tell you guys this, but you know, you know, if you don't have money, you gotta go out on Friday, right? You gotta get that 40% off that fucking thing

that's not even gonna be there and then you get in the store and everything else is regular price, right? You gotta get out there. You literally have to risk getting fucking trampled to go get the next goddamn Game Boy or flip phone, whatever the fuck it is your kid wants, you know, next year.

Why don't you like, you know, there's two ways you can, there's three ways you can deal with Black Friday. Okay, one, all right, save up some fucking money, you know, buy some less expensive gifts. Shoplift, you know? Shoplift on a day that isn't Black Friday. Or maybe you want to do it on Black Friday

because then you can fuck, you got the cover of everybody getting stampeded, they're not gonna realize, you know, you got a hibachi underneath your fucking, there you go, ladies, this is what you do, you buy some fucking maternity wear, okay? And then you put a fucking hibachi underneath it. Oh my God, you know, how many months are you?

Holy shit, is that an Audi, right? But that's the handle. Sorry, anyways. Okay, so that's one way of doing it. Your second way is if you know you're gonna go down there, all right, what you gotta do, you gotta do a lot of squats, okay? And I take a little bit of jujitsu

because you know the fight's going to the floor, okay? And don't practice on those fucking rubber mats that they have in the dojos, all right? You want to get on a nice fucking linoleum floor, okay? So when you skip the hip and you try to fucking turn them over, like it's gonna be a different surface. Now if you've been practicing on one of those AMF mats, like all of a sudden you're on the floor,

you know, you might throw out your hip trying to slide on that thing, all right? I would definitely add some weights. A lot of big girls, a lot of big girls show up, big girls show up on fucking Black Friday, all right? There's a lot of weight there. So maybe I'd take a little Lakido, I'd learn how to use their fucking, you know,

all that physics coming at you. Is that the right word? What the fuck is all that weight? You just got to have it pass right through you. Like water, that's what they always say, right? In Asian culture, you got to be like water, you know? Oh, is that what I got to do? I don't know, I can never touch my fucking toes

the way you're doing it right now. I'm not like water, okay? I'm like the cup that holds the fucking water. So how about that? All right, I know water can drown you and I know that water can fucking, you know, takes the form of whatever shape it's poured into, but would you like me to smash this fucking cup over your head?

Yeah, I didn't think so, so being a cup, okay? Or a fucking saucer. Also, okay, I interrupted, I'm sorry, you know what? Hey, hey, kung fu master Jedi guy. Hey, fair enough, fair enough, I'll become water. What the fuck I gotta do, what are you gonna do, huh? What am I gonna do? Hold a couple of fucking orders of food here.

So I bend over at the waist, gradually stretching my hammies. Is that what the fuck I'm supposed to do? Dude, it's your fucking world. Whatever you want me to do here. Okay, there's that option. And I guess I said there's three options. You know what the third options could be?

You could just say, I don't observe the fucking holidays. You know, by the way, shout out to all the Jewish people today, you know, they always get left out on Thanksgiving because of their religion, they don't celebrate it. You know what I mean? They just, they know. I was trying to say that, you know, I said it to Nia yesterday, right?

And I kind of mind fucked her because I said it really quick saying Jewish people did not celebrate Thanksgiving. You know, obviously it's Christmas, but you know, it's the holidays. You know, if you're not Jewish, like you have a vague understanding of everybody else's fucking religion, right? You know, there's a day, you know,

you know, there's a couple of, with Jewish people, you know, there's a couple of day offs we get because of their religion in September, right? Or at least days we don't have to try as hard. And then there's a day they eat Chinese food, which is, I believe Christmas or is it, I think it's Christmas, right? I don't know what the fuck they do on New Year's.

Nobody fucking knows. So if you're not Jewish, you can throw shit out like that. So I just threw out to Nia going like, we're in the grocery store. I said, you know what, let's take time to give thanks, you know, and pray for all those Jewish people that don't celebrate Thanksgiving. And then she just goes, that isn't remotely true.

Or somebody, she was trying to do the math in her head. I forget what the fuck she said and I died laughing. And I was like, you had zero confidence in that right now. And then she thought about, she goes, no, that's a fuss about fucking giving thanks. Everybody celebrates it, right? Except for ISIS. Any terrorists listening?

Do you guys have a Thanksgiving? What do you guys give thanks for, huh? I can't go down that fucking road. That's gonna be too goddamn politically incorrect. That's something late night at a comedy club you can do. But not this day and age where all of a sudden then somebody takes this clip and uploads it to fucking drunk soccer mom at four in the afternoon.org.

And all of a sudden, I find that fucking, oh, shut up. Just drink your way to menopause, lady. All right. And oh, hey, hey, hey, ladies, ladies, you know, fair enough. Fair enough, fuck enough. Oh, you know, Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen. Do you know the Capitol Records building

already had their fucking Christmas tree up? Before Thanksgiving. I don't know what the fuck they're doing over there. There's just, there's something wrong about that. You know, what about Tommy fucking Turkey? You know what was weird this year when I was in the grocery store, we were getting our fucking all this food for this party.

Evidently we're not having now. Um, for the first time ever, I actually looked at a package of turkey necks and I was like, I'd eat that shit. You know what I mean? It's decent meat. What do you, how do you guys, how do you guys prepare your turkey necks?

Use it for a stew. Oh, fuck. All right, here we go. Let's read a couple more of these that I'm gonna get on the fucking treadmill for today. You know, that's another good thing you can do in the morning time, right? Get on a fucking treadmill,

knock out a good half hour or whatever. You know, just kill the apps that you're gonna eat today. All right, let's, let's read the last of these advertisements here. Oh, by the way, thank you for all the well wishes about me and Nia in our impending parenthood. It was very nice of you. People said a lot of nice shit

and that doesn't happen a lot on social media. So thank you very much. All right. Oh, here we go, everybody. Oh, here we fucking go. It's our old friends. We're giving thanks to one of my favorite advertising reads of all time,

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Try it for free at old Zip. Berrrr! Dot com slash berr. All right, SeatGeek everybody. Oh, Jesus. SeatGeek, there's a geek in every seat just like that poor bastard that went to that Cubs game a long time ago with his little fucking cassette tape

Walkman, you know? And he stood up with another fucking four of us Cubs fans. But that goddamn ball had to hit him. And then that fucking left fielder had to fucking point at that dude. And everybody forgot about your shortstop. And where's that guy now? You know what that guy is?

That guy was actually the Grizzly Man. And he got mauled to death in Alaska, thanks to you Cubs fans. So I hope you enjoyed your fucking World Series parade. All right. Okay, SeatGeek everybody. Everybody, everything about SeatGeek is designed to make life easier

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Call to action. Must read, fuck you. Just gonna read it anyways. Don't tell me what the fuck to do. You cunts, put in a capital letters. What are you yelling at me? SeatGeek's run by the fucking bullies, right? Sit down, you fucking geek.

All right, to get your $20 off rebate on tickets, download the SeatGeek app. Go to the settings tab. I fucking hate settings. And click add a promo code. And a promo code burr. SeatGeek will send you $20 off after you've made your first ticket purchase.

Download the SeatGeek app and enter promo code burr today. That's the worst thing an old guy like me can hear is I'm talking to somebody younger and they just go, okay, go into your settings. It's like, oh, fuck you. Go into the bowels of this device and just start scrolling and then click on this and then another window opens up and then scroll down to this and then do this

and then do that. And then in the end they're like, okay, did that change anything? No, no, it didn't. Oh, that's odd. Okay, let's try this. Oh, I'm sorry. Are we troubleshooting right now?

Am I talking to somebody in the Malaysian islands trying to troubleshoot my fucking phone? I swear to God, half of this shit, I just want to fucking mail it back. I'm telling you, man, we should have just quit in like 1995. 1995, we had all the technology we needed. All right, cars had rear spoilers, you know? You had a VCR, VCR was great.

VCR was great when you didn't know what DVD was, when there was no YouTube, right? People paid for porn. It was a different time. It really was, you know? That's what these fucking millennials are gonna be nostalgic about, like lesser technology. I have no idea, I should talk, you know?

I don't fucking know. You know what I've been looking at lately? It's because I got the little one coming and I want to fucking keep playing drums in the house. So I was thinking about getting an electronic drum kit. You know? Boy, oh boy, it would sure be great if somebody hooked me up with an electronic drum kit

that I could promote for free on my podcast. Look at me working it. Yeah, fuck that, I'm gonna buy it. I'm gonna buy it because if it sucks, I'm gonna tell you if it sucks or not. So I was looking at all these fucking electronic drum kits and for my money, Roland makes the best ones. They've always been ahead of everybody else.

So they got this fucking new one that actually comes with a 22 inch bass drum that looks like a real acoustic drum. I don't know what the fuck's going on with it. And I'm like, holy fucking shit, look at that thing. That's the one right there. Put your headphones on, all the wife hears is the sound of the sticks hitting the pads,

you know what I'm saying? That's fucking it right there. They want fucking 12 grand for this thing. 12 fucking grand. Fuck that. I'm gonna wait like five years to buy that thing on eBay for like 600 bucks. But anyways, the thing I don't like

about those electronic kits though is you sound way better than you really are. And then your ego starts going through the roof and you're just like, how am I not in a band that already fucking made it? And we all have Grammys and gold records on the fucking wall. And then one day, much to your chagrin, you then go and you sit behind a real kid

and you actually have to produce the fucking sound. And you're like, oh yeah, that's right. I'm a stand-up comedian. I almost forgot because I've been playing electronic kit for so fucking long. However though, I did see a demonstration of the one. It's the TDK, TD something rather 50. And then with the 22 inch kick,

and this is how crazy technology is. As I just bitched about it and said it was, you know, it was good enough in 1995 when they didn't even have the mesh heads on the fucking kits. It was like hitting a goddamn fucking brick. And you took all the fucking, the whole rebound of the fucking stick, not rebound,

the whole fucking shock of the stick hitting it. You took it right in your forearm. Anyways, this guy hits the fucking ride symbol. This is how incredible the technology is. And he just takes the tip of his finger like you would on a real symbol and he just touched it and the vibration gradually went away.

Just like it would on a real one. I don't know how the fuck they did that. He did it all over the symbol too. Because it used to be like certain areas you had to hit the symbol and that would give you the bell sound or a cowbell sound or you could choke it but only if you had it there.

Now you can just do it all over the symbol. It's fucking amazing, about 12 grand, what the fuck? Who's that for? I'll tell you who's gonna buy one of those fucking things. One of those Saudi Arabian fucking oil kits that fucking load up that B-52 bomber and fly all their fucking supercars to Britain for two months.

That's what you gotta do. If there's any oil kits listening to me right now, you gotta buy that $12,000 rolling kit, right? And you gotta have the same fucked up mirror finish that you got on your 12 Lamborghinis, you know? That gold fucking finish. That's so fucking fascinating to me. You know what I mean?

That level of godiness, like, you know, you want like, it runs the whole gamut when you go around the fucking world. There's some people, like when you go to Paris, it's everything's fucking muted and then bam, the scarf or the fucking hat, the bag or the shoes, but everything else is the background singer, right? And whatever that big fucking thing is,

that's the fucking diva, the Diana Ross of your fucking outfit, right? And then you go to other areas, you go to fucking Italy, some places in the Middle East, Armenians, right? They're like, fuck that. What if we put a group together and everybody, you got Diana Ross, you got Aretha, all divas,

they go all fucking diva. It's a whole other fucking style. The level of confidence you have to have to pull that off. I'll tell you right now, you know who can't pull that off? You have to have a certain level of pigment in your skin to really pull off flashy shit. If you notice that shit, the past year you get, you get up to my fucking ancestors.

You know what I mean? The colors, it gets real fucking limited. Forget about when you were a fucking ginger. I mean, the fact that I actually have a red windscreen on my fucking, like if there was a picture of me right now in my pajamas, what's left of my red hair, you guys watching me talking into a mic with a red fucking windscreen,

most of you would never listen to this podcast again. You know what I mean? But if I actually had some pigment, I could be sitting here with gold frame glasses, with a gold tooth and a gold microphone and you'd be like, that guy is the shit. So there you can, you know what? Hey, fair enough, fair enough, you can pull it off.

I can't. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Hey, happy Thanksgiving everybody. And I'm thankful to each and every one of you that you listen to my dumb ass every fucking Monday and Thursday, all right? Now, don't get into any arguments, all right? You don't want to be that fucking person, all right?

Just sit back and enjoy everybody else yelling over politics, you know, and then you can just be the cut in the background. What about Joe Biden, Michael Dukakis, Grover Cleveland, whatever the fuck you want to yell out there. All right, that's it, go fuck yourselves, have a nice weekend, your cunts, enjoy your goddamn turkey and egg, fair enough, don't get into any arguments, all right?

Or maybe you don't, and let me know how fair enough worked out. How long were you able, how many drinks in were you able to stick with it before you finally lost your shit? I want to hear about the arguments, all right? Send them in. Okay, fuck you, I'll see you. Hello, how are you doing today?

I hope I find you feeling healthy. I'm so glad our paths cross this time. Betrayed on our way into the night. Well, we find love, tight in air, And the shadows in the darkness. Maybe you and I could bring it to the light. Love, when I approach the t-in, It fall like rain, you tell me.

Baby, hearts into a thousand pieces. Last night, only the old and wise. With clouded eyes, you can see what I can. When I blind me, throw my faith to the face Of the next pretty girl to come my way. Thanksgiving Day special, Billy Crocker. There's a new one, Betty Crocker, Billy Crocker. I like that.

And I like to cook. Oh, that's a good one. Love your intensity when it comes to bringing something to the table on Thanksgiving. Absolutely no pun intended. It's really a no-brainer. Get good at making something and get to a point where you're automatic. Oh, he's talking about, yeah, like I was talking about a few weeks ago when Thanksgiving comes around.

You got to have that dish that you just fucking can make. And you throw down and you take it to another level. All right, everybody else should be doing the same thing. And then the end, that's the Thanksgiving meal. So this guy goes, yeah, you get a dish down to where you're automatic. How hard can it be? You'll never been expected to step out of your skill set. If you're baking breads, no one will ever expect you to bring the cranberry sauce.

What's your go-to this year? What's Nia's specialty? What's my go-to this year? How about the whole fucking meal? Dude, I'll tell you right now, you guys think I'm a fucking one-trick pony? I can make you a turkey dinner with stuffing, mashed potatoes. My gravy game is getting better. I got to work on my gravy game and I know that's crucial.

All right, but my fucking, my mashed potatoes, not a fucking lump in them. All right, enough butter to make you slide off the chair. As they say in New Orleans, that's a bad New Orleans accent, I admit it. My stuffing, go fuck yourself. All right, dude, you don't understand the recipes that I have access to. All of my recipes start with melt a stick of butter and a third a cup of Crisco in a pan. Okay, so you know it's delicious. Yeah, my stuffing.

My mashed potatoes are the shit, but Nia's African-American, so she likes more sweet potatoes. So I don't think that side respects mashed potatoes the way they should. Okay, I feel like my potato, my United Colors of Benetton, whatever the fuck it is, respect for sweet potatoes and mashed potatoes. I think I'm a little more mature than the lovely Nia. What's Nia's specialty? Nia's, she's just great at everything. She's one of those people that I'll be out in the kitchen like, there's nothing to eat.

What the fuck, I'm starving. She'll be like, what do you mean there's nothing to eat? She comes out there and she knows you got a couple of things under her arms. And I don't know, I'm eating spaghetti or I don't know what the fuck I'm eating. She somehow just throws it all together or makes some ridiculous omelet. She's actually a true cook. I'm a little more robotic. I think I'm going to become a great cook or a better cook the way I became a better comedian.

Where at first I was a joke writer and I was trapped in my act and then I learned how to improv. And she's kind of just watching her. She kind of, as she cooks, she's tasting it and doing all that type of stuff. Where I just, they said to leave it in 15 minutes. It's been 15 minutes and I take it out. Pies, I kind of got the whole thing due from start to finish. My appetizer game is terrible. In fact, I don't even know if I know how to make one.

I have no idea, but do what I can make a pie from fucking scratch, okay? I can look at you and tell you what all your fucking problems are as I'm making the pie crust and not even look down once. I can just feel the texture. You know what I'm saying? That's how many fucking pies I've made. All right? And I'll take that pie someday and I'll bring it to your fucking house. All right? And I'll take a whole hunk of it and I'll just shove it right down your throat. And there's nothing that you're going to be able to say other than thank you for that experience.

All right? As I'm shaking up the can of whipped cream to give you a facial. Hey, what's up? It's Bill Burr. And this is the Monday Morning Podcast. Look at me. I had a little excitement in my voice when I said that. Yeah, this is the buddy-buddy-blood kid. My voice went up. As you have to say, I am excited. Why am I excited?

I don't know. I don't know why, maybe because it's Thanksgiving week and it's the week to give thanks. You know, once a year, everybody has to sit down and just really think about why they're so lucky and just shut the fuck up and give me some goddamn turkey. I always hate that part of the fucking Thanksgiving where all of a sudden somebody's going to give me a speech. Like, I don't appreciate what I got, you know? Just shut up. Yeah, so it's Thanksgiving.

It's Thanksgiving week and it is a week to give thanks. I am thankful. I'm just fucking around. I'm making a turkey with some stuffing and I have the most insane recipe for stuffing that none of you will be getting during this podcast because it's a secret family recipe. So you have to be part of my family or be banging me and catch me at a moment of weakness. You see, a great thing of a girl did that. You're just laying on your back, she's riding you and then somehow she's so good in bed she gets you to give away a secret family recipe. You're like, oh, I got her.

Sorry, you caramelized me on this 27 pieces of white bread. What holds it together? It's the egg. All right. I'm literally sitting in my fucking car in my Toyota Prius in a parking lot outside my little offices that I have out here, my little production offices, as I inch my way along on my little un-airing pilot. I'm getting ready to shoot a non-airing pilot, which basically means you shoot it and then they look at it and they go, either we like it and then we want to re-shoot it or they go, yeah, that's why it wasn't airing because that sucks. So, yeah, that's what I got going on in my fucking life. Oh, this creepy guy, this guy just pulled up next to me.

I'm really worried that he's going to fucking, let me put up my windows here and hear me, that he's going to fucking bump his door into my car, which he didn't and he's kind of, oh, I wouldn't say he's really fat. Definitely had the form and grill. Yeah, that's nice. Fucking love handle just hit my side view, Mara. All right. Oh, you know, a lot of people last week broke my balls and an email kind of way going like, you know, because I thought that guy rear-ended me and they're like, good, where did you go? Check. You know, what are you the most trusting guy in LA? You don't fuck. I got a bunch of shit like that. And it's basically because I figured out what it was. I told you, my fucking car happened today. It was all on electric and then the car kicks over and for some reason it gives you a little push-up.

It makes the car lurch forward. I'm really not selling hybrids on these fucking podcasts because I make them sound like they suck. They're actually, they're damn good cars. But anyway, it is a week of Thanksgiving. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. My fingers smell like an orange because I just ate one. Yeah, since it's a Monday morning podcast, I do one of these once a week every Monday to give people something to laugh about as they sit in their cubicles, as they drive, or fucking run on a treadmill. And if you have any questions that you want me to answer, just email me at billbird.com or MySpaceMe. And yeah, if you have any questions I don't care how ridiculous it is, I will answer the question like this. Here's a nice question. Question number one.

Hey Bill, I've been a huge fan of yours since you were barely beaten by Ruben Stardard on American Idol. Have you ever thought about giving it another shot? You know what? My time on American Idol, I don't regret any of it. I had a great time. You know, some of the numbers that they had us perform like Muskrat Love and Taya Yellow Ribbon. You know, I wouldn't trade that for the world, but you know, I've moved on and I feel so much, you know, I got my sexualities out there. Is it? Did I dream that? It wasn't on the cover of People Magazine? Fucker Stan, I look like Clay Aiken, is what he's basically saying. And the sad thing is that's not the first time I've heard it.

Okay. You know what? You just exposed yourself for actually watching that fucking show. What do you think about that, huh? I don't need this shit. You know, people are supposed to ask me questions. You're not supposed to make me feel bad about myself. Like, hey, you look like the gay guy who lost. I look like a gay guy who won. You know?

Oh, is there something wrong with being gay? Yeah, you're sucking dick. No, I'm kidding. But they do that. They definitely do that. You know, I learned from some of my gay friends that a lot of them actually don't engage in anal. They just like, now it hurts. I'm like, so what do you do? And evidently, they just sort of sit around blowing each other.

Yeah. So let's get to question number two. Let's see, maybe this one will be a little nicer. Bill, in my opinion, all negative, bitter people... Wait a minute. I'm such a moron. I came to read here. Bill, in my opinion, all negative, bitter people think everybody... Everybody are always out to fuck them. Maybe that's why you have such a handle on conspiracy theory.

Am I wrong? It's another guy kind of shitin' on me. You know, for Thanksgiving week, you know, you'd think there'd be some more thankful fucking questions. How do you ask a thankful question? I just can't... How did you become such a great person? Is that a thankful question?

First of all, if you're gonna trash me, can you try to actually work out the grammar so you don't look like a moron? In my opinion, all negative, bitter people think everybody are always out to fuck them. All right, in my opinion, people who don't use capitals or punctuation are fucking morons. All right, let me reread this so it actually makes sense. Okay, and this guy's opinion, of course, he has to let me know this is his opinion in case I thought he had a staff of writers who write his fucking emails. Okay, all negative, bitter people think about...

Think everybody is... What is this? All negative, bitter people think everybody... No, he gives you... You got this thing so fucked up I can't even read it right here. All negative, bitter people think everybody... Everybody's out to get them, out to fuck them. How about that?

Does that make sense? Maybe that's why you have such a handle on conspiracy theory. Am I wrong? Yes, yes you are wrong. I'm not a bitter person. I'm definitely... I'm definitely negative, but I don't think people are out to fuck me. I don't walk into a bakery and go, can I get a cupcake?

And when they forget to give me a napkin, I don't go, you see? I knew it, man. And I think conspiracy theory gets a bad rap. Conspiracy theory gets trashed constantly by people who never look into conspiracy theory. You know what I mean? All they do is they see one guy on the news who goes, there's a guy living in the moon. They're like, that's right there, that's conspiracy theory. That's what they all think there.

They all have conspiracy theories like that. You know? I don't... I mean, I guess... I don't know, I don't know what to do for you here. You have to look at some of the conspiracies that I'm into and then make your judgment from there. You think, I don't know, I can't judge myself, but I mean, if you read about the Federal Reserve, if you ever sit down and do the math on your mortgage and realize that the bank turns you

into an indentured servant for fucking 30 years, you know? Do you ever think about that shit? Do the math on your mortgage. I have a $350,000 fucking loan. If I take 30 years to pay it back, I pay... I give them $766,000 plus the 80 grand I put down on it. So now what are we up to? $840,000?

So at the end of my mortgage, I'm gonna be one of those morons going, yeah, now they fucking place double the value. I paid $350,000. Now you didn't, stupid. You paid $850,000. You basically made about 800 bucks in 30 years, and now you're 68. What are you gonna do? Take up water skiing.

It's over. It's fucking over. You know? And at that point, they've devalued the dollar because they keep prittin' it with no gold behind it, which causes inflation. Now you can't afford the property tax, so you have to sell it, you move out, and they get another 35-year-old to move in, bend over, drop his pants, and get fucked in the ass for 30 years.

And yes, I think that that's bullshit. You know? Does that mean I'm fucking nuts? That's probably coming off as nuts, I don't know. I'm just saying, I think my conspiracy theories are thought out. Like, I feel whatever they're doing to dogs, they're gonna be doing to us in 10 years. All right?

And I don't know if you've looked around, but dogs are basically neutered with microchips in shelters waiting to be rescued. That's what a fucking dog is. You know, when you were kids, remember the freedom dogs used to have? I mean, seeing two dogs fucking in public was a part of people's childhood. And now, you know, they can't even fuck anymore because they've been neutered. And that's what I think they're gonna do with us. Microchips, they're gonna deal with the population, they're gonna start fixing people.

And if I was on right wing radio, I'd be like, and that's exactly what they need to do. All right. That made no sense, and I apologize. All right, question number two. Bill, are you worried about becoming too famous? Well, at 40 years of age, I'm worried about not becoming famous because I've invested a lot of time into this.

I actually have a cool level of notoriety. I know what you mean. I think those people who are too famous, I think they seek it out. I really don't think the paparazzi is like the CIA, and they have the ability to figure out when you're gonna go to Starbucks without your panties on. I think there's a little fucking surf and turf action going on there. You know, there's a little bit of the artist playing up, you know.

Don't they call their publicist? You know what I mean? I mean, I couldn't fucking... I mean, I don't know. There's just too many famous fucking people. There's too many places where you can go. Like, how do they know you're coming, getting off the airplane, at the airport? You ever seen that?

What happens? Does the guy at the skycap just happen to know somebody in the paparazzi? There's somebody nodding right now as if they know and as if they've done it. Maybe that happens. Maybe that happens a little bit, but you know what I mean? All I know is I look at a guy like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, and five years ago when they were dating each other, J.Lo, what do they call it? Ben Flo, J.Lac, what the fuck do they call it?

Ben Affleck, right? Remember that? You could not get away from it, and they were everywhere, and I was like, either they have to kill themselves or I do, because this can't continue to happen, right? And then they broke up with each other, and then all of a sudden nobody gives a shit about them anymore. It's like, I get when two famous people date, that paparazzi swarm all over you, but both of them broke up and then married other famous people. He married Jennifer Garner, and she married that creepy-looking guy.

Was it Julio Iglesias? Was she married? He looks like the lion tamer. It's not the blonde-haired one. Who's the little lion tamer? Siskel and Evers? What the fuck are their names? Who are those guys?

He looks like the one who got grabbed by the throat. Chris Catan looking one. Chris Catan, you know, if they ever do the fucking Siegfried and Roy story, Chris Catan has to play Roy. That's also, that's a meteor part. No, maybe the blonde guy has a meteor part, because he gets to cry at his hospital bed, like Fonzarelli when Richie Cunningham wiped out on his motorcycle. Remember that?

Because if you don't need him, I do. His fucking leather jacket was going in and out because Henry Lincoln was crying. Okay, let me get back to the question. Are you worried about becoming too famous? Yeah, there's a certain level you don't want to go beyond. You know what I mean? Like those guys, whenever I see celebrity houses, they're like, and he has his own tennis court, his own fucking movie theater,

and people are like, oh my god, that's awesome. And it's like, they never really think that he has his own tennis court and his own movie theater because he kind of has to. Because he can't go to, he can't go anywhere. So yeah, I wouldn't want to get to that level of fame. I would like Steve Buscemi fame. The last time you saw him in Ugg's Magazine. I mean Us Magazine.

I'm just thinking how all those whores always wear Ugg's. Us Magazine. The last time you saw him in Us Magazine. You know, wearing a pair of Ugg's is going to get some coffee. No one gives a shit what he's doing. So I think you really control it. I think you're publicist, you know? I think as long as you're not brought up on a murder charge

or, you know, you're not drinking and drugging and just making a spectacle of yourself. I don't, I think of all the famous fucking people out there who just kind of just live their life. You know what I mean? I've never seen, you know, Anthony Hopkins nutsack as he stepped out of a Lexus. You know what I mean?

The guy wears underwear and he's not doing drugs. I mean, that's basically it. That's how you stay out of the papers. Just don't do interesting things. Well, I guess that would suck. But you're famous. So you're getting A-level pussy. That's all the trade-off.

All right. Let's get over to overrated, underrated. For those of you who are new to my podcast, because I just keep getting new listeners every week, we do this one part of it where people send me in their list of shit that they think is overhead, overhead, overrated and shit that is underrated and their reasons why.

And I actually am contributing this week rather than letting my listeners do all the work. I would say overrated, the L-shaped couch. I'm actually right now trying to buy some furniture and I've had an L-shaped couch before and they didn't realize, they suck basically. They suck because there's no place to put the TV when you have people on an L-shaped couch

because you got people, they're like, they're not perpendicular. Yeah, you're perpendicular. Your sight lines are perpendicular. So where the fuck do you put it? Somebody's got to turn their neck and their neck's going to end up hurting. And not to mention, it's a very,

as people start drinking, people's sight lines start crossing and that's how guys get in the fight. You stare at another guy too long. You think somebody's looking at you. At least that's what the fucking Jack Daniels is telling you. The next thing you know, you fucking crash land on your Ikea coffee table.

You know what it is? The guy you end up getting into a fight with, it's the guy that your friend brings that you don't even fucking know him. Because he doesn't know anybody, he sits as far away from everybody as possible and thinking that that's the submissive thing to do but it's actually an alpha male move

and he's looking across everybody's sight lines to a face forward. It's a discovery channel thing. So fuck L shaped couches. What you want is a couch and then you want one of those other couches. The king with the big square thing that you put your feet on.

That's what the fuck you want. You don't want a lazy boy either. Lazy boys are also overrated. They're not comfortable. They're not. They suck. And all those airplanes now that have lazy boy first class seats

you're like, oh wow, yeah, that would be great. You could sleep the whole flight. Just one night go downstairs to your recliner and spend fucking eight hours in that thing and let me know how comfortable that is. All right, underrated. Underrated. You know what?

I actually went and got some fast food for a bunch of people the other night and somebody actually took the time on the fast food foods, Soda Lids. They actually pushed down the tab to let me know which one was cola, which one was diet and who had other. And for some reason

it's such a nice thing for someone to do and nobody does it. So fast food technicians who actually take the time to push that fucking thing down is really underrated and I think they deserve a raise. All right, those are mine for the week.

All right, and here's some more people. Overrated. Friends, the TV show. Is that overrated? I've never really heard anybody. Okay, friends is overrated. All right, I hated this show when it was on and I can't believe that it's considered good enough

to be syndicated nationally and aired every day. I think this show mostly appealed to women as I don't know a single guy that was waiting on the edge of their couches for the new episode. Yeah, that's one of those chick shows. There's no reason and I'm sure David Schwimmer isn't really like that

in real life, but I just knew every time they would do a montage of the friends, you know, their little episodes, he always had to be getting really excited and jumping up and down like a chick, doing like a false settle. You know when chicks, like something's going to be exciting and they jump up and down and clap their hands

or maybe at least TV chicks, he would always be doing that, going whoo! And it just, it just made, as a guy, you just wanted to fuck it. You just wanted, you know, you just wanted something bad to happen to him. That's what I was always waiting for. I just wanted to see the episode where Ross

got the shit kicked out of him. You know, I remember a long time going to watch The Brady Bunch and you know, what's his face? Bobby did something to Greg and somehow Greg had orange hair and he actually looked like he was mad enough that he was going to beat the shit out of Bobby

and Bobby was hiding behind Florence Henderson and you know, I remember being a little kid really wanting to see Bobby get the shit kicked out of him. Like, I wanted, I really wanted to see it happen and it's probably why, you know, 30 years later I'm watching the UFC. I mean, that's the storyline. But I want, you know what I just thought about that

was Greg was actually sort of bangin' Florence Henderson right then. I wonder if Bobby knew. Mike Lukenland. I guess he evidently lives in Utah. I don't even know why I fucking know that. All right, underrated. Somebody said Radiohead.

Some of you guys, I don't know about these suggestions. Radiohead really underrated, critically acclaimed. Everybody talking about how awesome they are. All right, this band has been around for a very long time and has yet to put out an album that would be below three stars on your four-star scale system. Whenever I try to talk to people about them

or even to get a group of people to go see them play live, nobody is interested at all. And no, I don't talk about Radiohead all the time. The media barely ever talks about the band and when they do, they only talk about OK Computer, the band's third album. This band deserves a lot more attention and praise from people as they are one of the best bands ever formed.

I got it, okay, and I know what you're saying. Well, this is what you gotta look at. You know, no matter how good your band is, it's never gonna get the attention of some girl with no panties on or with her titties hanging out. I mean, I don't know, I'm probably speaking out of turn here because I don't have a vagina,

but it really just seems like women realize this and they're just forever showing their fucking ass in things. Even girls who are respectable, it's like, no, I'm not doing this, I'm not doing booty videos, and then they finally get on a sitcom or something and the first spread they do, you know what I'm saying? They got on the little coochie cutters, they're fucking hoo-has hanging out, you know?

They got two fingers, the index and middle finger, over both nipples with their mouths half open, like, oh, does somebody want their cock sucked? They always do that photo shoot, you know? Laying down completely naked and everything, somehow you don't quite see their ass crack and there's no nipple, but you basically see their entire body except for the ass crack and some nipples.

Other than that, you've seen every piece of flesh that's on them and, you know, they always do that. And I don't know, that's what I don't understand, women always bitching about that type of shit, talking about, oh, you're treating this like sex objects, it's like, fuck you, every time your career is in trouble, you put on a pair of fuck me pumps and you bend over a couch and then they go, oh, the new sizzling pictures of fucking...

Who's one of these girls I saw do well? Getting back to friends, Jennifer Aniston, I remember she did that on Rolling Stone, you know? One of the highest selling things ever. I think women should embrace being treated as sex objects, you know? What do you want to be known for? Do you want to be like a meteorologist?

You know, sometimes I should just stop talking because I just keep going and then just get dumber and dumber. I didn't even answer that question. All right, what do we got else? We got a couple other here. A couple others here. This guy said, last week you mentioned voting for Ron Paul because of the Federal Reserve.

No, that's the wrong one. Okay, Bill, here's a question. A sketch comedy show in the works. Also, now that Randy Couture is out, I never know how to say his name. What are your thoughts on Brock Lesnar versus Fedor and Magdalene Galenco? Who do you think will win?

I have no fucking idea. I gotta be honest with you, I have no idea. I just know Brock Lesnar was one of the biggest human beings I've ever seen. He's one of his pecs, you know? Like, just the peck muscle is the thickness of my entire torso and the size, like, from my neck down to my waist. So, I don't know.

Doesn't he have, like, a fucking tattoo right between his pecs? It's like a dagger. See, they're a dagger on one of those Ben Franklin quill pens. I don't know what it is. I have no idea. I don't know who the fuck's gonna win it. To be honest with you, I've been doing a lot of stand-up and those fights always come on Saturday nights. I ordered the NHL package.

So, now my cable bill's, like, fucking 200 bucks a month. And, uh, you know what I hate? I hate whenever you're the guy hosting the fight, right? And you're like, I know, I'll invite six other guys to come over. Everybody tosses me fucking whatever. 10, 15 bucks. And then, you know, the fight costs me, you know, 10, 15. And whatever, what happens?

Everybody throws you crumpled up 20s at the end of the night. You stuff it in your pocket and you go out. You spend it on gumballs and fucking raisins and, you know, toilet paper. And then the bill comes along and it's like you never had that money. I don't know why. Why can't you just be thankful during the week of Thanksgiving that you got some free toilet paper? Wow, that is the worst fucking shirt I've ever seen.

Picture a lime-green Charlie Brown shirt, except that the zig-zag line is just straight. And for some reason you're wearing it with this. It's polo style. And for some reason you're wearing black slacks with it. And then you ran across the parking lot and sort of a run-walk on the balls of your feet like how Walter Payton used to.

Maybe he's trying to avoid major injuries, just like him. Anyway, let me wrap up this fucking podcast because I got some cheetah I have to go do when I go back and put the building in, don't I? All right. Oh, what are we going to do? Oh, let's type what I got coming. First of all, I forgot to do what the fucking thing

I forgot to do at the top of this podcast. I wanted to thank Joe Perry from Aerosmith for calling in Uninformed. It's the radio show I do with Joe DeRosa. We had a great time interviewing him and he was obviously our biggest and coolest guest we've ever had, totally down to earth. And, you know, I don't know.

It's pretty fucking awesome to get to interview somebody who you've been listening to for the last 30 years, you know? That's what I'm thankful for this week at Thanksgiving. And I would also be thankful if people come up to my show. Caroline's the first weekend in December. Let's see, December 4th through the 7th. I'll be at Caroline's Comedy Club on Broadway. The last stop on the Uninformed tour with me and Joe DeRosa

with special guest Harris Stanton, who will be hosting. And that's it. Happy Thanksgiving to everybody. Thank you for sending in the questions. Oh, and if you guys could do me a favor, if you can go to my website, if you're not on it right now, just go to billbird.com. If you scroll down on the right-hand side,

you can actually see where you can sign up for my email list. Just because a lot of times I send out bulletins about being in Seattle on Myspace. And they end up going to people who live in Albuquerque. If you're on my website, you literally just sign up on the city that's nearest you. So that way you don't have to get a fucking email from me every two weeks.

I just don't want to be spamming people or any of that shit. So if you sign up on my website, you'll only get bulletins from me when I'm playing in your area or if I'm going to be on TV. Basically, if it's something that you can either see, watch here, or go to, it's the only time you'll get emails. All right, so that is it. Thank you for listening to the podcast.

I apologize the last couple of weeks I've been feeling like these things have been a little bit lame because I've been really busy trying to do some shit out here. And that's it. So what have I got next week? Yeah, next week's going to be, I'll have to do a Sunday night. Next week there will be a Sunday night podcast. And I'll be better rested for it, all right?

But I appreciate you guys sending in the questions and I'll just keep staying the same thing over and over again for another 18 minutes if I don't hang up. All right, so you guys all have a good Thanksgiving. And, you know, and just try to remember what you have to be thankful for. All right, I'll talk to you next week. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Thank you.