Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-24-23

Episode Date: November 24, 2023

Bill rambles about black Friday, Charlie Brown, and Soda. Soda: https://youtu.be/wfSj2MnfTZo?si=0icSXD3AA4XDAoF0   (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (28:24) - Thursday Throwback 11-23-15: Bill rambles about Thanksgiving, failed pilots, and blowing off weddings. (01:25:41) - Anything Better Thanksgiving Grievances and NFL Preview & Picks

I have a big family and they're spread around multiple countries. So a few years ago it was my brother's wedding and most of them decided to come. Great news, but a big problem. Where do you put eight people all with different requirements and keep them all together? We looked at some hotels but then it was obvious get an Airbnb. My mom and I were able to find the perfect place. It was a big house with multiple rooms and in a part of the city with woods

and walking trails all around. The Airbnb also included a huge kitchen where we all got together the day after the wedding for a big family meal. This is a cherished memory for my family and me. And whenever I drive by that location, it always makes me smile. Not long ago, my mom and I stopped by that area to walk around.

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Terms and conditions apply. Free plans have limited functionality. terms and conditions apply free plans have limited functionality. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking to see how you're doing, how you week's going on that shit. How was your Thanksgiving? You know, there's a lot of memes out there. People talking about not bringing up politics. A lot of jokes say you want to fucking knock it and bite it next year, bring up politics. Hey, you want to fucking do this?

You want a good time? Don't bring up politics. That's good. It's coming back around again. That's what you did. You didn't bring up politics. You didn't fucking bring up your gay uncle. You didn't bring up Religion, you know, there was all kinds of you just didn't bring it up

You didn't bring up the physical abuse. You didn't bring up the pain the lack of communication The walking depression everyone was in you just didn't bring it up Right you put your face down you ate your fucking food, and then you went back in, you watched the Lions lose. That's what the fuck you did. That's what Thanksgiving was. Nothing was solved. Nothing was said. You know, at least in the German Irish part of the world, it's certainly Italians, even more emotional. Sure, something semi-personal was said, hey you know what I'm saying right? That's the time I grew up in. So I had a great time yesterday and I've watched the beginnings of two really good movies this week and fell asleep like the

fucking old dad that I am Speaking of which thank you guys for watching old dads man has been fucking killing You guys got people out here in Hollywood old tinseltown thinking I know what I'm doing I started to watch The grifters, which for some reason I didn't see it when it came out because it just looked like a smart movie and I was like, that looks like a movie you're gonna have to think. I don't like thinking. That's what my brain was at.

It was when I was like 22. And then I sat down and watched and I was like, I really like this. This is fucking dark. This is a good-ass movie and then I sat down and watched and I was like, oh, I really liked this. This is fucking dark. This is a good-ass movie. And then I just fell asleep. This is pretty Thanksgiving dinner, you know? This is like the Wednesday before. Fell asleep to the grifters.

And then last night, I started to watch belly the Hype Williams movie with Nas and DMX. And I remember seeing, I saw that in the movie theater when that came out in the late 90s long, long, long, long time ago. And I fucking fell asleep to that. I kept waking up because it was so much gunfire in it and everything. But I don't know, is that the new segment for the dads listening to this podcast? What movie TV show or game did you fall asleep to? It's always funny, you know, when you fall asleep,

not in your bed, you know, in your house, you just nod off somewhere. And there's always that point right before you open your eyes, where you don't know where the fuck you are. Like if you opened your eyes and you were like in the custody of a couple of terrorists in the Middle East, you just be like, oh, all right. I have no idea what the fuck I, you know, or driving a car or at the mall, you know, places where you wake up.

Did I just shut off the recording? Please tell me, I didn't. Please tell me I didn't. Okay, it's still going. Um, yeah, I fell asleep, uh, in the living room on the couch last night. And, um, my lovely wife just left me there. She knew better. I think she just knows. She's like, he's, you know, a nice full plate of Thanksgiving in. He sampled all three pies. There was whipped cream on it. I'm not getting, I'm not moving

this. This, he is tranquilized. That's what happened to me. But that was a fun movie though last night just watching how that thing was shot was really cool. But anyway, how about the fucking NFL this weekend? The NFL is just like, fuck your marriage. We know what you want. There was three football games yesterday. God knows I didn't see it. I saw the fucking lions and packers. That kid for the packers got a cannon. I saw him running for his fucking life to the right, throws it all the way all the way all the way all the way over to the other side of the field. The fucking ball was in the air. Too long. You know, thinking like it's gonna get knocked down, it's gonna get picked off. Nope. Complete first down. I don't know if it was the first down, but like it's gonna get knocked down, it's gonna get picked off. Nope. Complete first down.

I don't know if it's the first down, but whatever, it was nice. Three football games yesterday. There's a football game today on Black Friday. Now everybody knows, today's the day you go out with your wife, you go out to a box store. And for some reason, you put your life in jeopardy, you know, over, you know, you look at those box stores. It's just nothing but shit.

Everything in there is disposable shit. It's not worth dying. I say this every fucking year. Don't die. Don't die over this shit. Your kid doesn't give a fuck. At the end of the day, I don't give a fuck how much your kid wants that thing. What your kid needs more than anything is your time. If you give your kid your time, your kid is going to be happy. Your kid's going to be secure and provided you're not screaming at him the whole time. You give your kid time your time.. It's gonna be fine. And then the fact, because they didn't get that fucking toy

that BMX bike they always wanted, they'll be driven. And they'll go out in the business world with a fucka be fucked attitude, and they'll work their way up the banking system, or maybe they'll be part of the war machine, but you can know that they felt loved when they were grown up.

See, there you go, that's how it works. There's this gotta be a fine line between giving your kid your time and getting them, you know, some of the stuff. I wouldn't even say most of the stuff that they wanted and not getting trampled at a super store. I mean, at this point, you know that that is a fucking option, that you know you're going down there and shit could happen, right? It was like going to a fucking soccer game in England back in the day, soccer, a soccer game in England. By the way, you know, I love how much they fucking pay attention to us.

All of those cuts around the world. Do you amount of shit that fucking F1 race got. It's just like, what is the fucking problem? There's going to be cars going 200 miles an hour through the city of Los Angeles. And somehow all of these people had around the world, the world, the world had a fucking problem with it. It ended up being a great race. You always trash an American football. We don't give a fuck about you. God damn sports. Go do them. Knit pick, knit pick, knit pick. rugby guys are tougher. Are they fantastic? Go watch them. Have a good time. See you.

I watch my sports. Thank you very much. I will watch NASCAR. I'll watch them drive around in a circle if you don't mind. Thank you. Thank you very much. You go have fun with your fucking boomerang and your feet and whatever the fuck it is you do. What other fuck it is you do over there? I don't give a fuck what you're doing. Have fun.

Get out there and go do a tie pan round up, but whatever the fuck you're doing, the badlands. I don't give a fuck. Australian rules football, right? Looks like a bunch of change smokers. Fucking at a rave or some shit, right? I don't give a... I don't know if that's what they'll say. I used to watch that shit when I first got an ESPN. I used to watch Australian rules football, and I loved it, and everybody looked like they, at the very least had been convicted,

then at least one felony, you know, long hair. Sweat, I remember they would like pick somebody up, you know, like that dumb shit, people do it a wedding, you ever see that shit? Who does that? Is it Jewish people? They pick the fucking person up in the chair. Every year, there's a whole compilation.

Up Jewish men toppling out of the chair at their own goddamn wedding. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You know somebody has gotten seriously fucked up, really banged their head. Maybe even a slightly concussed and had to fucking shake off a concussion because you didn't want to ruin her day. You didn't want to ruin her day. May I get me honest with you, when I see that thing, I think it's a Jewish wedding. When I see this some shit, I look at that and be like, that looks like some dumb shit that my people would do.

The Irish, let's get fucking hammered and then fucking pick somebody up over our head. That's just holding onto a piece of furniture. We're not even holding onto him. What could go wrong? Let's walk out here with the Linoleum tiles at the fucking VFW. Let's spin him around a little bit and you got them.

You got all. Mikey. Anyway, yeah, the NFL is just like, fuck your marriage this weekend. It's fucking amazing. I also think they're like competing with the NBA. Like I think it's, I get having a football game on Thanksgiving, you sit down.

This should be one. But to have three, it's just such a douchey fucking move, you know, for a married person, because it's like, I know everybody's gonna want to watch the dog show There's the macy day parade. There's another game going on Right, and I'm gonna be that guy just sitting in the corner all twitching like I'm wearing a wire You know, no the other gangsters in the room. You are right there bells everything all right. Yeah, that's cool You know just

Went once just want to when this was over What are you what are you in a hurry or something? No, no, I was just, you know, just curious. Open his fucking shirt and then that's it. I'm in the fucking East River. And then the NBA on Christmas shows three fucking regular season games. Who gives a fuck? One What how about one Why don't you do that? I like to l abroad on Christmas. You know, he's got the beard Right very Santa Claus-esque Um

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. Did you guys see I got a buddy of mine last week? I'm on my high school buddies and he swears He says the lock of the week every week is the Iowa Hawkeyes under He goes they got a great defense. They don't score any fucking points. So I'm with them in Vegas the fucking over under his 27 points 27 All right, just for you people don't gamble. I mean, usually in over underwear under, I mean, alone ones like 41, I feel 39 or something like that. They just not going like, dude, what the fuck, right? And the average, I don't say mid to late 40s, 27. So this week, so he bets it and it comes in. He gets, he goes, dude, he goes, I'm telling you,

like eight out of 10 weeks, they're gonna hit the under. Just fucking throw you money on that and then you know, bet you out of the shit and I was just like laughing and he just text me. And the overrunner for the Iowa Nebraska Cornhuskers game is the lowest in college football history tomorrow. It's 25 and a half, which is amazing to me.

Not only, you know, talking at 13 to 12 game and then not to mention when I was a kid, when I first started getting football cards, I remember Nebraska would be like playing like Kent State and they'd be like 58 and a half point favorites. And he just like, how do you not just take fucking Kent State and be up fucking almost 60 points and you'd do it. And then you'd watch these guys fucking turn a gill, micro zeer, Irving Friar, Jimmy Johnson coach in the goddamn team and they would fucking cover Be like 45 to nothing at the half you like what the fuck and then the final score would be like 63 they always get like 63

72 This is the opposite of that in case you're bad at math in case you were bad at math. Anyway, I gotta get on my shopping here. My fucking Christmas shopping. I gotta start that today after the podcast. I did have a great week. I took a couple people up in the helicopter this week, which was so much fun. I took my wife up for the first time.

We had a great time. She actually filmed it. She put it a little bit on Instagram. I had like a fucking perfect landing. Set it down like a daisy. And she of course shot it off right before I landed. You know, so you didn't see the helicopter hopper at all or anything, you know, or like, you know, shake. And I'm sitting there going like, why didn't you film the whole thing? Oh, you know, I'm thinking about like Instagram stories. I think that was one of the best linings I've ever had. But anyway, it was funny, you know,

like I bought up one of my buddies from back in the day on like Monday. So him, the helicopter tour is all about stadiums, you know, the Rose Bowl, Dodger Stadium, L.A. Coliseum, and then, you know, we couldn't obviously go over where the Rams are. That's on like L.A.X.'s airspace, right? But you could still see it and everything. And then I bring my wife up, and I bring her around the Rose Bowl, and she goes, I want

to see the ocean. It's like, all right, I get it. That's why we're out there. Looked at some big fucking houses, all these crazy houses, man. That's something, you know, underrated. If you ever come out to LA, you know, they got these helicopter tours out of Burbank Airport. You should give that a shot, man, because it's such a great way to see the city and you see some of the sickest fucking homes. Every time I fly, no matter where I am in LA, I will look down and be like,

holy shit, is that a fucking mall? Oh, that's somebody's house, what the fuck, you know? I was over by way out in the valley and right along the 118 18 right before you go to the Santa Zuzana Susana pass North side of the street just out of nowhere this I guess because they can look out over the whole valley must be a sick view But it's these gigantic fucking houses Like stupid looking houses. I remember those houses from like MTV cribs when they used to like red houses and pretend That they actually paid the artists that made all those hit albums, you know, fucking travesty. Anyway, anyway, plowing ahead. So, what do we got today? We got the Miami Dolphins. I don't know who the fuck they're playing. I'm going to check that out. I do have to go Christmas shopping. My daughter has out, uh,

has outgrown her bike. So I gotta get her a new bicycle before she just becomes one of these computer head kids. Because I like having them outside. Like I did that yesterday. We go to the playground and we fucking cruise around my old truck and all that shit. Just having a like I they gotta have like that tangible stuff because the video games are are ridiculous. So and all that shit, just having a, like, they gotta have like that tangible stuff because the video games are ridiculous. So, anyways, last night I'm watching Charlie Brown,

which I really fucking hate that show. I like the music, but I fucking hate the show. They just so, like, they do really old school ones. They are just so unnecessarily fucking mean to that kid. Like the great punkpin Charlie Brown, he's showing up to the houses and everybody, what'd you get? I got candy, I got candy, I got candy,

and then he's like, I got a rock. Like who the fuck gives a kid a rock? So my daughter's going, it's because they don't like his costume, he cut too many holes in the ghost sheet thing. It's like, well, isn't that considered cute? You'd give him a rock? They did like three houses. He got a rock every single time,

like even the parents hate him. So I'm sitting there watching it, and I forget who said what to him. And I finally looked at my daughters, she's six. I'm like, why does everybody hate this kid? And she says to me, she goes, because he's a blockhead or at least that's what everybody on the show says. I love how she gave the better for the

doubt. At least so I heard. You know the word on the street is he's a blockhead. Yeah it's a fucking difficult show. I don't know what it is about that show. Like I have a real hard time watching. Is it because I look like him? I'm not a lot of you. I was watching it going like I could be him for fucking Halloween, shave off my beard. You know, draw one curl on the front of my head.

What the fuck am I gonna get that shirt? You know, they're gonna, you know, they must sell that somewhere, right? Black shorts, yellow socks, brown shoes. You always had shoes on. It's a really, it's a fucking sad, it's a, I don't know what it is. Like I used to watch it all the time and I loved it.

I do like the part where Snoopy acts like he's, you know, like he really acts out the aviation. He gets the fucking, you know, the rudders going the feet pin. I don't know. I don't know what his own planes. He's working those as he's going down the runway and shit like somebody who flew planes was drawn that. Oh, is that right Bill?

Is that what you think? Is that what you think? Anyway, so I'm on basically vacation, which means I'm writing something. Thank you to everybody out there, by the way, that watched the Club Soda Kenny movie trailer, Fasoda, right? Don't be a bitch and bring your bitch

to the movie that everybody's talking about. How great was Club Soda Kenny? I got it up on my Instagram page. That is something that we shot During the strike you know and It was funny. I put up all the money for it So I didn't you know it wasn't a scab or anything like that But it's funny. There was a few union guys came up to the set, hey what's going on here? Like I'm like, it's, you know, it's self-funded, the guy's like, oh yeah?

And I was like, yeah! They come just fucking shooting here in LA doing a fucking strike, it'll give me a little credit. I at least go off the bank or field, god damn it, but club soda Kenny absolutely killed it. at least go off the bank or field god damn it but uh... club soda Kenny absolutely killed it um... he was a natural he was a natural so if you guys give it a bunch of likes maybe we can actually uh... turn that thing into a movie i think it would make a an incredible

incredible comedy and drama because we were kind of melding dirty hairy with the naked gun. I think it's a really good idea. Who knows? We'll see. We'll see. We'll see. We'll see. Never know what's going to happen.

But Bobby Lee was fantastic in it and Adam Ray, all of these people. Of course, I'm drawing a blank now. Jay Lassen is the mayor. You know, we had a great time, great time. So there you go. So that's what I learned from old dads, right? I did old dads. I learned how to fucking write and direct.

And now I can make these stupid little things that I want to make. All right. I'll give you guys the whole backstory. Well, you know, I'm thankful for you guys, you know, for coming out to my shows. Look at me, oh, Billy Payne paid forward. How that whole thing came about was, you know, over the years, I've just been fascinated

with Kenny's background and him talking about, you know, doing security and being a police officer and all of that. So I started picking up on some of his jargon and stuff and we would be driving into towns to do a gig and I would start doing like a gum shoe voice over. You know, like it was five in the afternoon and carrying North Carolina. She was a tall drink of water to do that. Just doing that dumb shit. Couple of shit of them on the left, like how he talks, and he would just start laughing, and then I just kept doing it,

like it first just sort of tees in him, and then after a while I started saying like, you know, we should fucking do something. We should do like a fucking like a cop series or something with you, and he was like, I'll fucking do it. So, you know, like most shit, you just say you're gonna do it, you never fucking do it.

So when we were shooting old dads, you long days and we were getting up early and I had to act in the thing too. So I was like, you know, needed to get the juices flowing here. So I would just start rippin' with him on the way down. You know, my brain was like, you know, a standstill, I had to start it up. So I would just start doing that gum shoe shit. And I was just like, you know, a standstill. I had to, you know, start it up. So I would just start doing that gum shoe shit. And I was just like, you know, I fucked this. We should do this, right?

He's like, all right, we'll do it. And then I didn't have any time, and I was burnt out for the movie. And then the strike came and I was like, all right, I got time, let's fucking do it. So that's how it all came about. And like I said, club soda, Kenny, fucking killed it. It was funny, the people on the crew was like, who is this guy?

Because they're looking up, I empty beat, he's got no credits. He's a fucking, he's a 60-something year old overnight sensation. The latest, the latest hot drop. So anyway, I mentioned that I am off until I go to Vegas the weekend of the Super Bowl. So I do have to keep my act sharp though. So I'm thinking I'm just gonna do these pop-in shows. I'm gonna wanna run my hour like once a week somewhere. And like last year,

I did a couple of, I did like the Trubordor and the Rocksam thinking I'm maybe doing a couple more places like that. And just like once a week, just running the hour, fucking around with some new shit. Like that's kind of the only way to take it's the weirdest thing with like stand up It's like you can take time off, but you can't stop doing your act Or it just it's it starts shrinking it atrophies You're like what do you got right now? Oh man? I got like an hour and fucking 25 minutes You know if I took six weeks off when I came back I'd probably have 25 minutes Be like 50.

I would have to struggle to do the hour. So I gotta get back into that. And who knows, maybe I can lose this last fucking 10 pounds that I've just been hovering on. Hovering on, just cannot seem to get over the goddamn hump. I've had a fucking, whatever this thing is that's going around that my kids had, and now my wife has it, I've, it's been settling in slowly to me, but I've been doing this fucking old wife's, wives tale thing, whatever the hell it is, just eating raw ginger and

then raw honey and then drinking lemon water. And I don't know. The older I get, the more I'm starting to think like, if I just fucking do that most of the time, I can avoid going into CVS and then just wondering, you know, you know, those cold medicines, those fucking cocksuckers, you know, I was changing light bulbs before everybody came over for Thanksgiving and I was,

I just remember when I was growing up, they were saying like, you know, they have the technology to make a light bulb that never fucking burns out. You know, they just don't want to do it. It's just like, why don't they just fucking do that? Why don't they just, because it's all set up, you got to keep making fucking money. Oh God, I'm not going down this thing again. Like, you know, there's a helicopter that they're working on. I keep fucking posting it. It's literally going to change helicopter aviation as far as like I think it's like a five passenger and it's only like 750 grand which you know helicopters are super expensive because of all the moving parts.

And anything above a four-seat or Robinson, anything that can take five people or more of the East-Ukrainian numbers of the A-stars, it's like well over a million bucks. So this thing's coming out, speaking of those light bulbs, the main rotor blades are just guaranteed for life.

Whatever the hell they're made out of, the one that I fly is like a two-piece system. You gotta check it every day to be time you fly to make sure it's not starting to separate. Obviously that would be catastrophic. And there's a certain amount of hours you have to replace them and they're ridiculously expensive.

And this thing's coming out. It's affordable, it's durable, and it's on wheels, which really fascinates me. Because I've done a bunch of those full downs. You know, you got to slide on the skids and shit like that. There's always a chance you could roll it over up I mean, you know planes roll over too, but Just sitting there. It just seems like you could like the combination of both

Well, you could bleed off all that forward airspeed when you flare and then level out and then you sort of do like a little bit of a running landing. If you were like landing on like wheels, man, that could be even smoother. I don't know. It's just shit you think about. You know, it's just stuff that I think about. So anyway, I don't have any reads this week. And I don't have any shows to promote.

I'm going to have Joe Bartonick on next month. I wanna thank everyone that came out to his shows in Pittsburgh. He put out a killer special this year and he deserves to have people coming out to his show. So we're gonna have Joe on next month. I got a couple more surprise guests. And I think that it, that's it. Other than that, O'Billy Freckles is in town. I'm gonna go play with my kids. I think I'm gonna go's it. Other than that, oh Billy Freckles is in town.

I'm gonna go play with my kids. I think I'm gonna go to the car show this weekend for the, I'm gonna go to a car show in 40 years, like the car show, like all the new ones. I'm gonna check that out. I think I'm gonna go down there with Dean Del Rey. It's gonna be a fucking good time. And I think that's it.

Happy holidays to all of you guys. Happy Thanksgiving. And truly, I know I fuck around a lot on this podcast, but I really appreciate all you guys, like watching the movie, watching the club, so to cany-thing, F is for family, my stand-up specials coming out to shows and all that type of stuff. And I am enjoying doing all of this stuff more than I have at any point in my career. So if you live in LA, I'll probably be popping up doing some spots. All right. That's it. Happy gambling. Don't fight with your wife like I did this morning. You're just going to lose. Take the Iowa under. I don't know about this week though,

because I'm not going to tell you I'm going to fucking jinx it. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend, your guns. Enjoy the music and the bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, right after the music. Hey what's going on? It's Bill Burnett.

It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, November 23rd, 2015. What's going on? How? What's up? Oh, Billy Redface. Oh, Billy Redcakes. Oh, fucking. What are you doing?

Duschbag freckles here is, uh, integrate moody's on his, for a dumb, it's his first week and not doing shit. I'm not doing shit for the, the last week I already did it. I already accomplished the dream of not doing shit and this week I'm not doing shit, right? Greatest fucking holiday of the year. Everybody talks about Christmas. People talking about flag day,

if fucking Easter, I'm telling you this is the one you don't have to buy shit. Oh, you know, you just show up. You show up little corn, beef and cabbage, whatever, whatever your little family fucking dishes. You show up, you smile, you do a couple of air kisses, you know, feed your fat fucking face and then you just slip into the living room, right?

And watch the game, sitting on the sofa, and there's that other guy, the socially fucking awkward. Guy who hides in alcohol, sitting in the lazy boy, you know, you guys are angled just enough that you can see each other in your peripheral, but you never say anything. You know, a couple of times you go to start the conversation and you see the lonely guy being excited, but then he fucks it up and you see him withdraw again and you try to act like it didn't happen. And that's just the second quarter.

All right. Anyways, I finally did my official weigh-in today to see the damage I did. I was about $1.65 or something before I left to go to a way back in September. I was trying to get down to $1.62. I got to 165. And one day I just skipped rope and just sweated it out. I got to like 162 points something,

but that's bullshit, right? Got down to 165. Then I had a wedding, a week long family event, and then right after that, I went to Texas for a week and then Toronto. And I came back for a few days, and then I went to DC, then I came back for a few days, like a went to DC and I came back for a few days, like a week and then I did that two week fucking tour of the Midwest, came back for three days,

then I did the Philly Run, then I went to New York and then I did MSG. So in that time, I knew I was putting on weight, I knew I was doing, I knew what I couldn't stop, right? I knew I was putting on weight. I knew I was doing, I knew what I couldn't stop, right? All right, now before I started this whole thing, I was 187 pounds, I've gotten down to 165 and lost 22 fucking pounds. So the big question is Bill, you dumb fuck, after you did all that work, you stupid cunt,

how much did you give back this morning? After weighing himself in September, before all the festivity, you see, about 165 pounds, I weighed myself this morning. After weighing himself in September, before all the festivity, about 165 pounds, I weighed myself this morning. Right when I woke up, the most accurate weight from what I've read on the internet. So take that with a giant grain of salt and sugar. 176.8.

Oh! Billy, what did you do? I just remember my last night in New York, fucking hammered eating two slices of sausage pepperoni and it wasn't even good. And after the first one, I was like, Jesus, this is so much shit on this. This feels like Chicago pizza, where like nobody in there, nobody in the right mind ever has more than one slice of deep dish pizza. You're just fucking, you can't do it. You're out of your fucking mind.

So anyways, yeah, so I'm pissed that I fucking went that hard, fucked it up that much, but I didn't see the dreaded, the one that really depresses me is when that second number is in hate. So I'm gonna try to do the impossible. They are unthinkable. Cleo, we have stopped licking yourself. So damn loud. Hey, Cleo. Cleo. We're, yeah, you knock it off over there.

I know you got to do what you got to do. You need a bath? I know you got to do what you got to do. Do you need a bath? Anyways, the fuck was I talking about? Oh, I'm going to try to do the impossible, the unthinkable. Oh, there she goes, looking herself again. Good Lord, no shame whatsoever. I'm going to try to lose weight during the holiday months here.

I'm actually during the week of Thanksgiving. I'm trying to go to to my goal is to be, to do the three pounds that I was doing back in the summer drop three weeks. So that's 173.8 is what I need to be next Monday morning when I roll out of bed. And so we'll see what happens. But here's a fucked up thing.

I made three pies yesterday. All right, not all for me, obviously. Just people come by the house and stuff like that. So I made a cream pie, a pumpkin pie, and an apple pie. And I actually fucked with the sacred family recipes. Now I haven't had a slice of any of it yet, but I upped the cinnamon in my apple pie. And I use this different recipe.

It was a butter-based crust. And my wife sent me a fucking text message. I thought the house was on fire. It was just, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG. I can't even say that fast. She fucking, well, say it slower, Bill. We still understand. She wrote OMG like 50 times in a row.

So I was, I had gone. I was driving. So I texted while driving, of course. And I was, I had gone, I was driving. So I texted while driving, of course. And I said, pi, question mark, question mark, house fire, question mark. And then she did a bunch of emoji, emoji shit. And she wrote that pie is fucking delicious. I said, house the new cinnamon level.

She said, perfect. And then I said, yes, what the next location point? How about that? You got to hear my whole private text message. Now that's the best. Apple pies are motherfucker. You know, I don't know how you guys do it. I use like three different types of apples. You got a peel them, then you quarter them,

then you try to get like eight slices. All right, you slice them nice and thin, the way Paulie does the garlic and fucking good fellas. And you've got to have your mix ready though, so they don't turn brown. You stick them in there, you swish it around and all that. You make sure it gets all over the place. And then, then the fucking, the apples, all intermingle, you know what I mean? Like, like, like the higher ups don't want us to. Everybody getting

along. Fucking with you. I guess what? I went down to the comedy store yesterday for the first set since my last show in New York, and I went down there, had the best fucking time. I tried out all this new material, and I actually walked into the comedy store, and you know, they have the original room, and then they have the main room. The original room is part of the original club

when they just bought half of it. It used to be a nightclub called Seros, and with the original room is the part of the original club when they just bought half of it. It used to be a nightclub called Seros and with the original room sits, I think was the back of the main room. So, um, and he's whatever. Come out to LA. Just walk in. Take a look at it. So I go, what's going on in the main room and they go dick Gregory. I go, what? They go dick Greg, I go dick Gregory is on stage right now and They were like yeah, and I went in there and the guy was fucking hilarious Still funny as hell still edgy Talking about topical stuff. He was talking about Paris. He was talking about all this just right up to date stuff He was fucking amazing, so that gave me a charge. So then I go into the the

original room. They bring me up. I start doing my thing. Everything's going great. You know, I did my little wage gap, gift, I got joke, and then I get off stage. Thanks a lot. And I'll sudden this lady, she comes up to me

and then she just wants to present her case. She's like, you know, well, actually, I'm in my mid-30s and now I'm in an age now that when I go out with a guy, he wants to go Dutch. She expects me to pay for half. And then I just go, well, yeah, you should. You know, you should. I don't think it's asking too much.

You're in your 30s. You've demonstrated that you're not a first round draft pick at this point. You know, you fucked up like me. So, I know I'm fucked up. I know you're fucked up. Or maybe too driven to commit to anything. So, you know, we got to keep each other

at arm's length here, right? So I pay for my shit. You pay for your shit. I couldn't, but I couldn't even listen to like, that's let your big fucking complaint life. That for the first 30 years, you got free fucking food and drinks. Like as a guy, you know, far back into my life, I got them, they get to live like eight year olds. And when you were a kid, you just walked around as a kid, you had no money, you went out with your parents, you had all fucking day, you ate, you had drinks, you fucking are not booze, but you know, cut yourself a high C, whatever the hell you had.

You know, went to a ball game, whatever. You never went in your pockets. The life of a kid, you know? You essentially, and I'm not like, look, I obviously know that women don't just not pay for fucking anything, but I'm just saying that when they get courted, you know, you don't have to pay for shit, generally speaking, right? So anyway, so she comes up to me, I just didn't want to fucking hear it, and I made the mistake, I treated her like a guy and I feel bad.

I just completely, I just gave her shit and she was like, oh, you're being mean and everything. I'm against a comedy club with comedians. This is what we do. And she wanted to make her fucking point and I just, you know, I said, I just walked away. And then of course, I made the mistake of asking another comic. I go, is that just two mean there? And he's like, yeah, no, no. Kabeteen will never say you're too mean. They're like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, when I'm standing on stage and you could heckle me while I'm making my point. Instead, you wait till I get off stage and then you wanna have some fucking, you know,

Charlie Rose conversation about what the fuck you think of the job. I don't give a shit at that point. You know, I would much rather that you yell out during my show. Like, hey, I'm in my dirty's. I gotta pay for a date that we could have that hilarious conversation a little back and

forth. But instead, you know, I got to get off stage and then you come up to me like I'm being debriefed after my shift. You know what I mean? See where I went right, see where I went wrong. Like, I don't want to fucking hear that. But you're more than welcome to heckle me. I don't give a shit.

I don't care about that, You know, I'm up there. It's me in the mic stand. You know, I feel safe. Ah, who's getting you? I was probably too much of an asshole. What do you want for me? So anyways, what the fuck happened to my LSU Tigers? Jesus Christ, I even was on the road a lot this year.

So I missed most of the season. But I watched the end of the Alabama game. They lost that game and the fucking wheels fell off. Then they got their asses kicked by Arkansas. Who even knew they still had a football program out there? I mean, it's Arkansas. When was the last time you even heard of that state? Bill Clinton was in office and that was only in the first term. The former governor, a little rock Arkansas. All right, by the time he got to his second term, they phased out Arkansas. Like the older brother on Happy Days, right? No more chuck.

Now he's at school. Now he doesn't exist, right? How the fuck do you lose to them? They're not in the Midwest, they're not in the South. They're just there They're naming their capital Little rock. It's got little how does he how does your capital have little in it? Unbelievable and we fucking lose to them. What wait? What even goes on in Arkansas? Some reason when I think of Arkansas, you know, I think of like an old movie, 442,

like a 65 for some reason, you know, they're riding around it, but they're all driving around old cars like Cuba, you know, like that embargo hit them real hard too, even though there's no embargo on them. But they're just Arkansas, how the fuck do you lose to Arkansas? I'm just waiting for those fucking Arkansas SEC people. Actually, we're fucking having a one of the, in the conference, I don't care. And then, who the fuck did they play this past week?

Old Miss, you know, right down there in the goal line, and one guy thinks it's a fake play, the other guy's trying to hand it off to him, was fucking Keystone Cops. Keystone Cops, this is what kills me. It was fucking keystone cops. Keystone cops. That's what kills me. They'll probably end up getting rid of less miles. You know what I mean?

I love that one bad fucking year and then all of a sudden you don't know how to coach anymore. You watch, they'll run him right on, you know, somebody's got to answer to this. Nobody can just be like, you know what, we had a bad fucking year. It's gotta be like, oh, you know what, that's it. You're done.

You don't know how to do this anymore. Does that happen at your guys' jobs. You know what I mean? Say you're working at staples, right? And you fucking, uh, you're going down to the aisle with the three ring binders. And you think they're on the left hand side. They're on the right hand side. And then they go, you know what? You just can't do it anymore. It's it's over. Depending if for fucking four years, I don't think you know,

how to work at staples anymore. I know I'm, I'm, I'm, I guess I'm belittling both people. Belittling that job and also belittling the job of working at staples. I think the job at staples is the big thing is you hide in the back room because they have so little people on the floor. If you walk out on the floor, everybody's

going to ask you a question, right? You're going to walk out. Excuse me, excuse me, sir. Sir. Sir. Sir, yes, could you tell me where? My daughter's eighth birthday's coming up and we want different colored paper claps, do you know that? As long as you should legally be able to just grab somebody

by the back of the head and steer them towards where they need to be, you know, and then like push their head down to see where it is on the shelf. And as you go to let go, you give them that little push before you do. It causes them to do that half a step and put their hands out like a toddler about ready to fall. Anyways, I barely watched any football yesterday. I got a couple of things done that were hanging over my head that were going to cause me to not enjoy my fucking holidays. I am now at the age that somebody asked

me to write a letter of recommendation for this fucking thing and I just kept putting it off and putting it off. And I was like, you know, Bill, this person is trying to get on with their life here. So I just sat down and fucking forced all my ADD away. You know, I opened the email, but I looked at a bunch of other emails. First, I gradually closed all the windows and I missed all the one o'clock games. I caught the tail end of the cowboys game. I was psyched for the cowboys. How fucking nuts is it that they're undefeated with Tony Romo, but they're 10 games in. It's just a fucking tragedy. They were 2 and

O. Tony breaks his gets his fucking collarbone broken. They lose seven in a row. They go go, oh, for fucking seven. That Tony comes back, boom, it's like you never left. You know, like that old friend, you don't see for 20 fucking years, and you see each other, you just start laughing, you pick up right where you left off. Tony Romo, Tony Romo. You know, I wanna hear the cowboy fans bitch about him now, huh?

There you go, you got what you wanted. You got Tony out of the fucking lineup and look what happened. Oh, for fucking seven. So now he's back. And what I love is the fucking NFC East suck so bad that they could actually go on a run and still win the division. You know, that's what's killing me about the giants right now because I know I told you I never want to see the giants can't I don't give a fuck that we beat him in the regular season. It doesn't matter. I can't handle another. I can handle another Super Bowl loss. I can't handle another loss the way we lose to the giants. I just can't do it, you know. Donnie Rahmoff back to pass. The shoe comes up.

He throws the shoe by accident. And everybody goes after the shoe and take. He's running with the football. He's at the dirty, that's why they didn't hand my name on. I touched that. Fuck that. I can't watch another one of those. Do you know how Brady back to pass?

He's got to throw a fucking half a yard of West Wilkery. He throws the ball. I can't, I don't to throw a fucking half a yard to Wes Welker. Hey, Jones, it's all. I can't, I can't, I don't even want to fucking deal with that. And this is what kills me. The Giants, who's absolutely have absolutely shit to bed this year are in first place, I think, with like a fucking, you know, four and six record or something. You know, I could just go on the internet.

I could look this shit up or I could just wing it. No, who's kidding who? I would love to play the Giants again as long as we win, you know, to try to, but I, you know, if it was like it'd be a 50-50, be like, yeah, you know, I don't need to go through that emotionally anymore. I really don't. The fuck kills me, how much is stupid loss is, you know, I never get a ring. They don't ask me to get on the duck boats for the parade, do they?

Why the fuck do I care? Why am I absolutely elated that the Pro-Incift 1, 2 games in a row right now? Huh? I don't know. I have no idea. Second win, big win against the Toronto Maple Leafs. I've been at home getting caught up with them. You know, they look all right.

Last couple of games, they look all right. Definitely up and down season. So, I don't know I won't pack it in until like February and if February they're still doing this stuff then the Eastucket knows awful feelings like you almost want your team to lose so they get a better draft pick but I can't I can't fucking do anyways, oh, did I miss it yesterday? Did the Islanders and Canadians play? Joe Bartnecks from Puck Off told me that there was gonna be bad blood.

It's gonna be some bad blood in that game. I think I fucking missed it. So anyways, but the big game tonight is, wapa, ba, ba, ba, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. His Patriots first, the bills. So I'm gonna try to do my best to get in front of a TV Do do do is Patriots first the bills so I'm gonna try to do my best to get in front of a TV so I can listen to bills fans talking shit again About what they're gonna do what we should have done

Right they're gonna get all like fuck you. Yeah, we're gonna kick you fucking it. I already got a text from somebody So one of my friends out there I I think the Shredding Reagan show, they texted me, going to Patriots are gonna get their asses whipped. And I just wrote back, who are they playing? They're playing the bills. This year's Super Bowl champion. And I just wrote back, I said,

well, it should be a great game. You guys have a wonderful defense. Good luck. Just diffuses all of this shit, why is it like why are you talking shit? You know what I mean? Dude, you're gonna fucking come in there, fucking he's gonna do it,

you're gonna fucking, what if he does it? And what if he does? What are you gonna do? You're gonna sit there and grow your man tits with me? You don't wanna fucking do it. You know when I was watching the Bruins Game, I was so disgusted with myself. I had this workout for like the last two periods.

Every five minutes of the game, I would do 25 push-ups. It's an easy way to do 200. You know what I mean? You get nice long rests depending on how many penalties are called in commercial breaks. Just every five minutes you're bang out 25. I got to do something, guys. I made three fucking pies. I'm in trouble here.

But the key is I haven't had one yet. So I don't know the crack rolling around in my fucking system. All right. Here we go. Let me do some reads here for this fucking week. Of course, I got a type in my fucking podcast. I parked my password, sorry. See that?

I can't do two things at once. The women can't. Like the ladies. All right, where the fuck is it? Oh, here we go. The old favorites here. We got a couple this week. All right. All right. I got a couple this week. All right.

All right. I got a couple of a couple of things I need to announce here. The fourth annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy benefit. I want to thank everybody that bought tickets for this thing. The tickets are selling faster than ever and that just reminded me what the meundees thing the stalking stuff, it makes a great stalking stuff. All right, you get to see some of the top comics in the country honoring the greatest comic I ever saw live and honoring his memory and helping out his loved ones. I'm just going to be at the New York City Center on Tuesday, January 26th. You know, you just go to the friggin' website, I'll retweet the link once again today. I got the date up on my website the whole damn thing.

The great thing about this, great gift to get to somebody and all you got to do go on the internet, click, click, click, Bing, Bing, Bing, boom, you're done. Stick it in the stocking and then you can go right over to spike in your eggnog. All right. And then also, an old friend of mine has a new album coming out. If you guys like Straight-Ahead Blues, someone that can absolutely fucking shred on the guitar and has a fucking voice to match, Felicia Collins has a new album out called Felicia Collins discovers the blues. Straight-Ahead Blues album, she sent me a couple of the tracks. Me and Bart Nick were listening to it the other night. Bartonick was over here watching Chicago van Coova and absolutely blown away. For those of you David Letterman fans, she played in the CBS orchestra. And she was actually there when they were way back when they were on NBC.

And so obviously the show is over and now she's stretching out. So check it out Tuesday. Felicia Collins new album, the Felicia Collins discovers the blues. All right then what else do I got coming up? I have of course, F is for family is out on December 18th and oh and P. Corielli is going to be a guest on the Thursday afternoon podcast just before Friday next week to promote I believe this new stand-up And oh, and P. Corielli is going to be a guest on the Thursday afternoon podcast just before Friday next week to promote, I believe, his new standup special on Showtime, which I heard

is getting rave reviews. He's one of my favorite comics of all time. And he's a great guy to go and see before he fucking blows up, because he's that level funny. All right, and with that babbling, let's march on here with the podcast. What was I going to say? Yeah, so I got it, I'm going to go to the fucking gym today. The second I do this, so this is my game plan.

I'm going to do an hour on the elliptical today, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I'm doing the Joe Rogan's podcast on Tuesday tomorrow. So I might bring some of that pie that I made over to him. You know, what should be a cool thing to do for the holidays? Plus then I don't have it around here. So I'm not fucking eating it, right? And then all they do is eat one. I think that will work, right?

You've got to give away some of it. But I'm going to do the, yeah, three hours of that by Thanksgiving. My one bad day is going to be Thanksgiving. Then I'm just going to try to, I got to turn around guys. If I go back up to the 180s, I'm going to be so fucking depressed. I just don't want to be that fucking guy at the start of the year. Like, oh, I'm going to fucking, here we go. I'm going to fucking get in shape. You know, you know what that's like? You know, it's like starting your year is a fat fuck who's got a drop like fucking 20, 30, 40, 50, 100 fucking pounds.

It's the worst. Why not get started now and not do the fucking damage? You know what I mean? You know, that awesome feeling you get, you know, if before you go to work, you make the bed and you come home and the bed's made. You know that fucking feeling? Or maybe the night before you did all the dishes and you wake up to make breakfast and there's no dishes from the night before.

That, that, that ahead of the game feeling, you know, or at least I'm even. You know what I mean? Like I don't got to start my day doing yesterday's bullshit, plus whatever the fuck hits me today. That's what it's like to be on January 1st to actually be in shape. And I don't think I've done that since my 20s. So I'm really gonna try and it always helps me to announce it on the podcast

that I'm gonna fucking do it because I know you guys will fucking, you guys are gonna check in on me and you're gonna give me shit. When I, you know, if I'm not talking about it, you know, I'm not doing well and God knows you guys like to be mean but I probably deserve it after what a content was to that lady last night. I wasn't even a cunt. It's just the fact that she's a woman and you're just supposed you know you're just supposed to let them win be like oh wow wow yeah you you you and you yeah that's exactly what

the joke was about it was all about you. All, you, and you. Yeah, that's exactly what the joke was about. It was all about you. All of you. Why not talk about all of you? You're so interesting. Please tell me another story about your dumb day and what you said and oh my God, what you were like. So I said this and then she said that and then I was like, ladies,

how do you not see the pain in your man's face when you're doing that? You know what I mean? I see the pain in my wife's face when I try to talk to her about a game. Nia, it was fucking two minutes left, right? Patriots are getting killed on defense, right? We get the ball back. Tom Brady throws the ball.

Giant guy grabs and he fucking lands on his stomach. Not just wind out by then, it's just fucking over. She just starts making fun of me. Really? Oh my God, all that summation is give a fuck. You know? But if I don't listen to her fucking stories, oh Jesus. Oh, forget about it, David.

It's a big goddamn. I don't know what it is. Anyways, let's get to some of the reads for this week, okay? Yeah, but it's fine. It's absolutely fine. All I'm doing the comedy jam tonight. All right, with the fucking text messages there. Let's read the text message.

Oh, was that somebody else who saw the F is for family? Yeah, they saw the trail. People were like in the trailer. Thank Christ. All right, venue, dear Billy Big Shot. Now that you've done the mother of all venues with MSG, what non-traditional venue would you like to play? Like something like the Great Wall of China?

Congrats on your year, go fuck yourself. Now this still, this still a bunch that I would love to play. Royal Albert Hall is on my bucket list. And then there's also there's a bunch of theaters that I would still like to play or

continue playing. There's the one out here in California and Long Beach, the Long Beach, something or other where Richard Pryor did his live in concert. I already did a show at the palladium. That's where he did live on the sunset strip. And I forget if the one that he performed at when he did is here and now,

which I think was in New Orleans. I gotta see if that one still exists, but I really, I like doing those old theaters. I like doing them. I was like going to old ball parks and hear all the people that were there. Like last night when we were down the comedy store, this just characters just show up, right? Dick Gregory's on stage and then this other guy comes in because he knew Dick Gregory. He was the publicist for seros.

It was his nightclub, I said said before it became the comedy store and You know when Frank Dean Sammy and all of them were down there He was just naming all of these fucking names. He said yeah, he goes I first came here in 1950 So I'm immediately doing the math going Jesus Christ if this guy was like 20 in 1950 that's 65 fucking years ago, he's 85. He didn't look like he was in his 80s, he actually looked great, but so let's see, red rocks, I performed there though, but I did red rocks when it was, there was some sort of animation thing going on after it.

So Wendy at the comedy works got me the gig and we went out there. But it was cool to be at Red Rocks, but they weren't there for me. They were there for the fucking film. So there was a lot of the things on my bucket list are venues that, that either bands played in, that I love and had some live album there or comedians that did a special there. So, I told you when I was in Hammer Town there, I've been fucking Toronto Ontario. I mean, I know Ontario and Toronto. They just kept calling it a hammer time. I can't even remember the name of the town, but it's south of Toronto.

I didn't realize I performed until after I was there. I performed at the theatre where Bill Cosby did, Bill Cosby himself. Arguably the greatest special of all time. Now, what he did afterwards, I don't want to get into vaulting that. So that was cool. I did, yeah, that's a great question. I don't know what I just want to keep going. I like going to venues that I'd never been to.

You know what I really enjoyed this year is when I was doing the Torah, California, going to Reno and Bakersfield and Fresno and they were along the old school highways where people were psyched. To highway went right down Main Street, so they would have some big fancy sign, you know, Reno, biggest little town in the West, Fresno, whatever the fuck their slogan is, they would always have like town and then some sort of slogan. Bakersfield, like, hey, stop and stay a while,

you know, some corny shit. But I really like that Route 66 type of stuff and as far as Europe goes, that's to me is all about World War II, World War I. Those types of places, but as far as performing, I don't know enough about Europe and that type of thing. I did look up ACDC where they recorded, if you want blood, their live album. That was a place I believe was in Glasgow or Edinburgh.

I want to say Glasgow, but the venue doesn't exist anymore. So yeah, so that venue doesn't exist anymore. So Yeah, so that I would say that I get a big charge at a music place because I'm a you know total nerd when it comes to that shit and I remember when I was in England London a couple years ago Accidentally coming upon that Ronnie Scots and I saw Jeff Beckett one of the great fucking Was him Vinnie, Kalinie Collier and that check on base and they just were fucking unbelievable.

Like Jimmy Page was in the crowd, you know, sinking down in his seat. Like, oh yeah, I stole that riff. I remember stealing that one from him. Nicking it, I believe as they call it. So yeah, there's still plenty left. And the MSG for me was not as much as it was a high water market. It wasn't like this, you know, and now I just slide down the back nine for me.

It was, it just felt more like an honor to be there, and it was mine for an hour and a half. And then, you know, the second you leave somebody else's name was on the marquee, and it's like, wow, I got to do that. But I got to tell you, I had just as much fun fucking around with the new stuff, you know. It's hard to describe unless you're comedian the excitement of new stuff.

Like, oh, I get to say new shit. I have to keep saying this stuff and trying to figure out how to make this fucking new again tonight. So anyways, so yeah, I would say a Royal Albert Hall is like the next one I'm really thinking about, but there's no way there was something in Ireland or something in Scotland or Finland norway. I mean, I think I'm doing a tour of the the fucking Eastern Europe. Be crazy to play a venue that like fucking like Hitler or Stalin or Mussolini, one of those fascists. I don't know, I guess Stalin wasn. All right. Baking. Hey, Bill.

Uh, bacon bill. I'm thinking about surprising my girlfriend and her family by bringing over a homemade pie for Thanksgiving. All right, dude, I got you. I'm going to make two pies because one isn't enough. I'm thinking about Apple and Pumpkin, also because, also, please know that Apple capitalizes Apple as if there's no such thing as fruit. Oh, the Apple company.

Anyways, I know from previous years that you're killing it in the kitchen. Oh, thank you. Before I call my mom and get her two cents from you, can I get some pointers? So basic do's and don'ts when getting into it. Should I avoid either Apple, the fruit, or pumpkin? Thanks. Pumpkin pies and easy recipe, Apple pies work as far as the filling, but it's also fucking you know, it's apples and cinnamon, man. I mean, come on. I'll give you the biggest, the filling is easy. All right, the thing that scares and intimidates people is doing the, oh my God, guys,

do I have to make a fucking pie crust making video? I'll fucking do it. I'll put on the apron. I'll put on the apron in a silly hat. You want to, I'll do that for you for fucking Thanksgiving. How about that? I will make a fucking pie video.

Pie crust video, but if you're going to do it right now, because I won't get the video up in time, I will show you, I'll try to walk you through it. All right. So the recipe that I use, it's two cups of all-purpose flour, the kinds that people say, you know, know you're gonna die if you eat it That's what you want with the pie you don't want to go any low fat You don't want to go wheat you don't want to do any of that fucking stinky feet Seattle thing up with it All right, you want to go Midwest Chicago heart attack all right? You're making a pie you want to be healthy go have a fucking salad. That's not what we're doing here. That's not what we're stop your crying again. I like kitchen. Right. I mean, it's funny. There's roofers fixing something on my fucking

roof that's never going to be fixed. And they probably just heard me yell that, now stop your crying and get out of my kitchen. You know, that's how rumors start. I know that guy, the guy tells jokes, yeah, he's fucking verbally abusive to his wife. Um, anyway, so what you want to do is you, uh, two cups of flour, okay, and you get yourself a sifter, right? And there's always a little bit of salt. Go easy on the salt, like an eighth of a teaspoon. So what I do is I take the cup of fucking flour, I pour it into the sifter and the sifter is sitting in the bowl that you're gonna sift into Don't just pour it into the sifter. It's gonna end up on your counter. You don't want that, right? So you pour in one cup, then you put in your salt and you put your next cup over it then you sift it

Right comes fucking out Then then you add your shortening, right? I use a stick of butter. Sorry, you want it to be cold, so it's not too fucking mushy. Take it out of the fridge, you just cut it up. And like, you know, eighth of an inch slices, you put it in there and then with your little fucking thing

that you head, see, this is why I'm not to do a video, you just, you wanna cover it, right? And then you put your shortening in and then cover that. You want it to be all like like you're making a fucking meatball. You want to get the bread crumbs all over, except it's the flour. And then when you do that, you just lightly tap all the way around. You know, you let that shortening start kind of get into it.

And you go a little harder, a little harder, gets a little mealy. Once it's a little mealy, you start adding your water. I got to make a video. I got to make a video. And I can also show you how much you can fuck up a crust and still save it. You know what, I got to do it. I'll actually do that. But as far, listen man, pumpkin pie is great, but if you want to knock people on their ass, you got to make an apple pie. And I get three different types of apples. Throw granny smith in there so you got a bitter thing and then something else for a little sweeter taste. You know, a little

surf and turf going on in there. And you just make sure you use enough cinnamon. You know what I mean? I use about a half, a healthy half, a teaspoon. What does happen to me? I'm literally just sitting here talking about this shit like I'm about read like it's this is a fucking Game plan to win the fucking football game tonight All right, so anyways holiday wedding Billy Bells My friend from college is getting married this Sunday after Christmas Jesus what a stupid time to do that. It was because everybody's in your hometown.

He goes, is there a worst time for a wedding? No. Can you believe that it's in upstate New York? Of course I can. If he's going to be a country, he's going to go all the way with it. I'm sure it'd be fun once I got there, but I'm thinking about skipping. The circumstances are grounds for not going, right? Absolutely they are. Fuck that. Fuck that. You know what I mean? I always think that when people do shit like that anyways, it means one of two things. They're kind of hoping most people won't show up or two, they don't have enough money to throw a good wedding

anyway. So all that great food, you're gonna walk away from that to go up there and fucking eat hamburger helper. You know, standing out on the stage, eating on the fucking dance floor, eating a steak, them, say the break good times, come on. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Friends is going to cancel last second that agreed to go. And you're going to fucking show up there. Woohoo! There's some shit food being served right here now. Some fucking shitty food that's going to come out, yeah. Yeah, fuck that. Fuck that.

And he can never give you shit. All you got to do for the rest of your life when he gives you shit or she gives you shit or whatever about not going. Just you don't, you're sitting at the bar and they're fucking, you're just keep looking straight ahead and you just put your hands out and you just go, you got married on the Sunday after Christmas. Who does that? That's it.

And as they started to defend it, you just talk over. Married. Like the Sunday after Christmas, when? The Sunday after Christmas. It's almost like he didn't want me to be there. Huh, if you get divorced, when you're going to get married this time, fucking New Year's day, the fuck fuck outta here. What do you think you're better than Santa Claus? You're better than the baby Jesus?

Huh? You think you're better than the prime rip my mother makes on Christmas day? You motherfucker? Where the fuck do you get an upstate New York? How dare you? Don't be that fucking person. Driving in a station wagon. Fucking Sunday after

credit. Get the fuck this is like my time off. This is my time off. This is my time. Okay. I'm gonna go to a goddamn wedding. That just weeks of like my friend got ordained as a fucking preacher. He's going to go up there and his fucking street clothes. Oh, yeah. I bet they get married in like the basement of a fucking holiday in. And the ceremony's going to be going and the door to the function room is still going to be open. And people are be randomly walking by looking at it. You know, they got to keep the door open because there's no bathroom in the function room. So you got to walk out.

Oh, that's a shit show. Jesus Christ, dude, that's like, that's like a sales meeting you don't want to go to. Well, you know what? I've convinced myself that I wouldn't go. I don't know what you're thinking, but I wouldn't go. That's totally grounds for skipping. A wedding alone is grounds for skipping. Who the fuck wants to go to that?

Unless you're still in your 20s, then it's a good time. You want to go to a wedding single, right? Go there, maybe bang somebody, right? Have a good time. So you don't go there. If you're not married, then eventually she's going, look, oh, what are we going to do this? Now you think of it just fucking running,

doing a running jump right off the balcony. All right, sleep trouble. Sleep trouble. All right, hey, Bill, I just started traveling for work and getting a good night's sleep is brutal. Yes, it is. I'm not trying, ambient, or increasing my alcohol intake. How do you deal with all the travel alcohol?

Do you use one of those stupid neck pillows? Nope. Hotel beds aren't bad. If I do sleep well, I end up waking up feeling comatose, which leads me to being more tired because those beds are huge and soft and I don't want to get out of bed. You're also making up for the sleep that you didn't get on other nights, which you can't really do. There's that weird thing that if, like, say,

you got six hours one night and then 10 hours the next night. So you got, it averages out to eight hours. It still doesn't work that way for some reason. You can't retroactively, like, when you miss out on whatever it is you need, Some people only need six, some people just need four, but if you need like whatever the fuck you need, I'm saying if you come up short, you can't just sleep extra one day and then even it off. It usually takes like a week, like I've been fucking sleeping this whole week, falling asleep like an old person. So,

but anyways, let me continue. And I don't want to get out of the bed. It hasn't happened yet, but I can see it's slowly turning me into a grouchy asshole. How do you do it? Well you were cherry-fellow before hitting the road. Thanks for the free laughs. How do I do it? I'm German Irish. That's how I do it.

We're not in touch with our feelings. So even if I am tired, I'm just naturally trained to block it out and I just get up and I go. But however, every once in a while, when I do make a conscious effort to think about slowing down and relaxing and not having something to achieve every fucking day. Be it picking up dry cleaning or writing a new joke. I suddenly become aware of how tired I am. So what I would do is yeah, it's not, not, uh, not use any of the drugs. And I also wouldn't fuck with alcohol.

I wouldn't do that either. What I would do is work out in the morning and then go to your job, whatever it is that you do. And then at night, because you were working all day and you worked out, you'll actually go to sleep. If you just get into the good habits out there, it's not that bad. But I don't know, biggest thing that I found is food.

Food is difficult. And if you're doing like a bunch of one-nighters, if you're like a traveling salesman, kind of fucking thing, selling your widgets or whatever, that's when it gets hard, because you spend your day traveling, and then you arrive at the hotel, you're fucking hungry, but you gotta go to your gig.

So you usually end up, you know, you're like, hey, do you guys have anything healthy? We got an apple, please. Oh yeah, do they deliver? You can get that, yeah, they sure don't. They sure don't. Notting yes, they sure don't. You should shake your head, no.

Can I get what I need? You sure can't. Not in this town. So then they always have like fucking menus Can I get what I need? You sure can't? Not in this town So then you then they always have like fucking menus and they're always gonna give you some Chinese food Which is just is gonna be Unfucking believable or absolutely horrific Depending on you know, it has nothing to do with where you're at

Every fucking town in the United States has Chinese food, I believe, and every town has a Chinese family that move there, right? For the most part, or at least within two towns, there's a Chinese family that move there, and they will make that fucking food. Now, whether or not there are people from China that know how to cook cook that's the fucking rub

You know if you never know even roast that I can if I've been in the middle of fucking Kansas And I got some of the best sushi I've ever had Japanese family middle of fucking Kansas. It's like how did you end up out here? This is unbelievable. I most of the white people I know didn't end up out here How did you from Japan end up in a lathie fucking Kansas? Oh Speaking of bucket list, man, I have like a bunch of college basketball games. I want to go to I want to go to Kentucky. I've always been a Kansas fan. I don't know why. I want to go to there or there for Thili. I want to go to a Duke Carolina game at Carolina and at Duke.

I have been to UCLA. Who else is a big basketball program? Georgetown, Syracuse, you know, the Red Men, St. John's Red Men, one of the fucked it called now, the Red Storm. I grew up on Big East basketball, but I used to love watching all of that shit. So I've been to Indiana. I told you guys, I went to Indiana University, University basketball game, Bobby Knight was still on the team.

I could not fucking believe the level of which that guy was screaming at his players was insane. Coming all the way out and his fucking head just snapped as a point like they let up an easy bucket and the point guard was bringing it up the court and the fucking guy I swatted got he walked like 10 feet out into the court. Everybody was just like intimidated by him. I just he just annoyed me. I wanted to see like somebody stand up to him, you know, give the guy nice verbal fucking slap, but it never happened. That guy classic example, ego completely out

of fucking control. When he started buying into being Bobby Knight and he started doing those, I'm going to be Bobby Knight. You know, what is, what is a game face? I never understood that. And he starts mugging to the camera. Or when he goes, you know, I hope when my credits bury me, they bury me face down so they can kiss by. Yes. I was like, no, God, shut up. Have another drink. Um, that just makes fun of Bobby Knight. What, what the fuck is wrong with me? Um, yes. So I'm doing the goddamn comedy, comedy jam tonight at the, I believe it's the lyric theater on La Brea and looking forward to doing that. I got, yeah, I don't want to tell you guys, I got nothing else.

I can't even do a fucking hour. That's how little I've been doing this week. I got caught up on Peky Blinders. Peky Blinders, I don't know, nothing about no way. Pee keep blind is with subtitles. I'm up to the first episode of season two, so I'm going to blow through that this week. And then my wife is watching Bloodline. I believe that's the name of it with Norbert Leo Buttsu, I did a failed pilot with a long time ago.

And it's a fucking great guy. And I keep walking in there and he's absolutely crushing every scene. And so I got to watch it out of solidarity. We actually a long time ago did a fucking pilot. Did I have to tell you guys this fucking story? We did a pilot and they wanted edgy. All right. I thought I told you guys this one. Whatever, who gets a fuck?

They wanted edgy, okay? It was, you know, and they were letting us go really far. And the pilot name was playing chicken. Was the name of this pilot. And the premise was me and Norbert were brothers. He was Republican and I was Democrat. And Norbert's character was paralyzed from the waist down. And he was paralyzed because he was playing chicken on a fucking jet ski and neither person turned away

And he got paralyzed so that's what's the name of it. So that's already the fucking premise So he was like over the top fuck homeless people and all that shit. So anyway, so we're doing You know, whatever they write this edgy fucking pilot and you know, whatever they write this edgy fucking pilot. And, um, writers were about ready to do the fucking run through. Where all the fucking major network guys come down. It's basically you do, it's basically it's like a live play. All right, let me just give you a little back. It's basically what happens is if you're on a sitcom, you have the table read on Monday, right?

If it kills, you go upstairs and you do a bunch of blocking in the fake living rooms and all that, which is basically, I'm going to stand over here when I do this. You go through the whole fucking thing. If it bombs and they know that they're going to rewrite a lot of shit, you have a quick fucking day like, well, we're going to get a new script tonight and this will be, you know, a little bit different. So then Tuesday comes around, you fucking rehearse it, you still got your script in hand, and then you do a run through,

and it's just for the production company, like whoever's making the thing. So that's friendly fire there. Those are like the executive producers and the people that wrote it, the writers and all that. So they watch it, and they see what's working, what isn't, what needs to be fixed, what can stay the same, what they can add on to. And then Wednesday is the network run through.

And that's when the people that can cancel your fucking show up and leave their sense of humor at the fucking door, right? So that's always a nerve-wracking fucking day and you go out there. And if you do a couple of lines, they don't get laps, you start getting in your head like you're gonna get fired You know, and as you're walking from one fake living room to the fake bar or coffee house that you hang out The only sound you hear is the shoes of the fucking executives walking over to the next fucking the next scene So anyway, so we're doing this fucking pilot and the opening scene is we're sitting there at Some ice cream place eat an ice cream and this homeless guy whatever we're having a back and forth This homeless guy comes up and ask for money

so I of course being the liberal go to give some money and Norbridge character being the conservative guy, you know basically tells the guy to fuck off so Everybody's loving it. He actually, I remember a flicked ice cream at him. Oh, he decided he was going to do that during the fucking run through because we weren't going to do it all day long, flicking ice cream at him, be a fucking mess. So he just kept miming, flicking the ice cream. That's what it was. So anyways, people are digging the pilot, you know, the producers and all the writers are all thinking it's funny they're laughing it up, we do the regular run through, it's going

great. So now we got the network run through, but the next day, and it just so happens that during that week or whatever, Don I'ma said the nappy headed hose fucking comment. And for whatever reason, all hell fucking breaks loose like, you know, Hitler's back. And it becomes this big fucking lightning rod thing that allows a bunch of people who don't, you know, want to increase the fines with the FCC and all this shit. All basically what this one guy said on the radio trickles all the way down to our pilot that has these fucking suits nervous. You know, just in general about we better watch our step because

Don I'm a I don't know what lost some advertising money. So they were in that fucking head space and they come down to our show where we got a half paralyzed guy. You know, and the opening scene, we're doing the scene, it's getting zero laughs. And I remember the homeless guy walked out and they even gasped at that because they really made him look homeless. He was really dirty. Norbert goes, all the jokes are bombing. And he goes and turns around and flips this fucking glob-a ice cream and hits the actor right in the face and they gasped. And no, I mean, I thought it was going to kill. We thought it was the funniest shit ever.

They, there wasn't a fucking, they, they just gasped. And then it ended, right? And then just the sound of their shoes, shuffling all the way down to the other side of the set for the next fucking scene. And it dude, it was the worst run through I've ever been and I'm talking there was zero laughs. It was dead fucking silence. And I just remember walking by this one actress, she delivered her line and it got nothing and she walked by looking at me

like what the fuck is happening and I almost burst it out laughing because for actors, it's like, fuck, I'm gonna get fired and I'm gonna be unemployed again. For a comedian, I can still, I'm not unemployed. I can just go back to doing shows. The fact that I'm on this thing is gravy. So the look on her face was just, I mean, I don't want her to be out of work, but it was just funny to me. So the more it was bombing, the harder I

committed to what I was doing, just because if you're gonna bomb, you're mind as well just fucking do the triple-lindi. So I was just going bigger and it just was just dead fucking silence. So the run through ends, I mean, you can hear a fucking pin drop. And it was to the point, I was like, dude, I didn't think they're gonna shoot this fucking thing. So me and Norbert went back to the hotel, we go right to the bar, and we just start laughing, going, I'm getting fired. He's going, no, I'm getting fired. And we had like a bet who's going to get fired. It's like somebody's

going down for that. It's like, you know, like LSU loses three in a row. Somebody's got to pay the price. Somebody's getting fucking fired. So they ended up showing up and they talked to both of us individually in the in our hotel rooms. I remember the guy that directed the thing. He came walking into my room and just sat down on my bed and started eating the peanuts. My peanuts without asking. And I was the most arrogant thing I'd ever seen in my life. I was just sitting there going like, it still bugs me to the stage. I stage and say anything to that guy. But anyways, so they fucking, so they ended up toning this whole fucking thing down, right? They go, look, we're not going to, we're not going to get rid of you guys. It was the wrong tone, blah, blah,

and then when it ended up happening was they fucking dialed it back like 40% really took all the balls out of it um and then you know a few days later we shot the pilot from a live studio audience and it actually killed it went great but it didn't end up getting picked up and uh... and that's my uh... that's my uh... story about bombing sorry guys i had to go in the well there man.

I ran out of fucking stories to tell you for this week. All I know is that the bills are playing the Patriots tonight in Gillette Stadium. Anything can happen. They just don't have a quarterback. They got a great defense though. So we'll see what happens. I don't think the Patriots losing one game

is the worst fucking thing. I think it's actually better man. It makes people focus on somebody else. So, you know, worst case scenario, we're nine and one. I'm on vacation, you know. I'm having a good time here. So, that is it.

I'll talk to you guys on Thanksgiving. I'll try to make a pie crust video. I'm gonna do that shit, why not? I said I was gonna do it, right? That'll be me giving back. Giving thanks to you guys listening to the podcast. I'm doing and listen to the Joe Rogan podcast. Joe Rogan experience. I'm gonna be doing that tomorrow. And I think that's it. Happy Thanksgiving to everybody. If you're traveling, you don't have time to listen to this podcast. I know a good chance to say it. Happy Thanksgiving.

Thank you to everybody that's coming out to my show over the years from the bottom. I really appreciate it. And that's it. Go fuck yourselves. And I'll check it out. Thursday What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast NFL edition and welcome back to the anything better podcast, NFL edition, uh, for what preview week, week number 12, week number 12. Can it be? Oh my God, dude. Where's the time going?

This was a blink of an eye. Uh, when are people going to get used to the time going by fast, Paul? I think it's an age thing. I think it's an, when are are you gonna get used to it? I think because I have to listen to somebody every fucking year, girl. Can you believe the summer's over? Can you believe it, Paul?

I mean, God, it just feels just like yesterday. We were taking the fucking bath and suits out of the fucking attic. Yeah, or the people that go to the good. Or the people that take it too far, the people that go. I know, I know. I know it's crazy. Or the people that take it too far, the people that go, I know, I know. I know it's crazy. And the kids are getting something.

What happened? What happened? It's like I turned around. And I was sitting, she's divorced in 26, sucking cock behind our Dunkin' Donuts. Or then the over emotional ones who go, I know, and then the kids leave. I can't, I can't.

That's the hardest part. Ha ha ha. No, I'm an old dad, so I always get this. I tell you, you know, they go up fat. You better have been home, make sure you don't fucking, I know, I know, I know. And they're like, no, I'm telling you, it's like, dude, I get it.

I get it, you weren't there. You weren't there. Stop projecting your awful job as a dad onto me. No matter what they get, it's going to fly by everything fucking flies by. Just shut up about it flying by. Here's what they should say. I wasn't there. I was. I still can't swim. Okay, then it looks me. You don't tell me I forgot their neighbor. I wasn't there, Paul. I missed their first steps. I missed their first steps. Oh shit. Oh, I needed a laugh. I needed a laugh. Paul, he's having a bad one this week, dude. Usually,

usually, I'm, I'm, dude, I'm having a, I'm having one. Paul, he needs a glass of red wine and to put his feet up on Thanksgiving and be grateful for his life and everything because Paul had a rough one. Okay. All right, well, you know, nothing a little Cabernet Sauvignon can't handle. There you go, that's right. Why deal with what's making you sad when you can medicate? I wasn't, it is a gamble thing I love Paul.

I love the fucking, oh Jesus Christ. I love the expert gambler, you know, he comes on like, I've won so much that now I'm gonna pay it forward. And if you pay me, I'm gonna pick you winners. It's just like, wait a minute. You're so good at gambling that you're gonna stop and help me out. Get the fuck out of here.

You lost your ass. You realize you can't beat the fucking book. So now you're trying to fucking, you know, have me go make your bets. Well while I pay you 20 bucks to lose, right? Yeah. I saw this one guy. He was, he said he had his hair slick back black, slick back and he had glasses on and a sweater and he goes, don't tell me about all the games you lost and then you just talk about the two you won. I'm here to win. Dude, it was, but if you saw, if you saw his,

if you saw what he was wearing, it was almost like he went to a costume place and the costume said professional gambler outfit. All right. I'm gonna teach you things that the bookie does not want you to know. If the quarterback's got a flu, I know. All right, guys, this is just out in Vegas. I'm not going to name the casino. But they got this new fucking rule

out there on blackjack. On blackjack, if the dealer hits 22, it's a push. That's ridiculous. And that's fucking on America. I got another one for you. I went to Dunkin' Donuts, Dunkin' Donuts. You can't get a man of grocery store, even though you kind of can now. I go in there to get a dozen fucking munchkins and they go, I can't do that. They only come in 10. I'm like, yeah, let me guess it's the same fucking price, right?

I didn't say that, but that's, you know, I said it nicer than that because the lady behind the register, she's like, yeah, I don't know, it's like my first day. Well, why do you think that is? Because the last person fucking quit because they're trying to, that's the skim pool. That's the skim. I mean, dude, not, you're 100% right. Not getting a dozen donuts, that Dunkin' donuts is not a- No, the munchkins. I can only give you 10. I can only, oh, yeah, did the price go down by two months? Can there's just another fucking scam you figured out this quarter to make a little bit more money? Dude, I swear to God Paul.

Like, the geniuses, they have us all yelling at each other. The biggest fucking welfare recipients in this fucking country are the fucking assholes at the top. They take all the fucking money, they don't pay any taxes, and then they blame broke people that have no money, no power, and make no decisions. They have politicians in their pockets. Paul, I'm on a rant here! Oh, dude, I can't wait. I can't wait to talk about coaches.

That's one thing that's on the agenda today. I want my coach look like he fucking played football. Like, he lined up and he scared people. Like that new Raiders coach, that's a fucking coach. I don't want the coach to look like somebody I cheated off of in fucking math class. That's just me, Paul. That's just who are you?

I wanna be afraid of my coach. I don't want my coach to look like a sleaze ball either. I don't wanna snake either. I want booze on his breath. Yeah, a little overweight, a little gullet. You know? I don't wanna head case either. I want booze on his breath. Yeah, a little overweight, look, Gullic, you know, um, I don't want a head case either, but I like a nice slob. If a guy's going to be a slob, I like a nice slob. Yeah, he just eats bad food. He eats bad food, but he means well. Yeah, he needs to. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to f*** co-cat. I want a guy who's getting a grand slam breakfast. I'll tell you, best happy looking slob.

Wade Phillips. What, Wade Phillips doesn't do. Wade Phillips. Nice guy. Wade Phillips coaches a football game. He looks like he's holding his wife's purse and he doesn't care. Love figuring it out.

Loves his wife. I could tell just by watching. I could tell. He's a romantic. I could tell just by watching him fail on that fourth and three. He's reacting to his wife. And you know what he do after he failed on that fourth down pole, he immediately put it in perspective.

You know, in the bigger picture. That's right. That's exactly right. I love my wife. I got a nice house. Jerry Jones can control me. That's what he wants. That's why the Cowboys will never win. Jerry Jones can control me. That's what he wants. That's why the Cowboys will never win.

Jerry Jones is their problem. Jerry Jones is the nightmare before Christmas and Dr. Jerry Jones was Dracula, dude. He's Dracula. He sleeps in a fucking coffin. Let me tell you something. It's the biggest coffin in all the NFL. We got the biggest football. We got the biggest fucking, the biggest fucking bathroom at our fucking stadium. We got the biggest hole in the roof. So Jesus can watch too. My wife designed it. My wife put that memory set. My wife did the chandelier. She did it. Let's say me, I got to give her all credit. Remember the credit I wouldn't give Jimmy Johnson. I'm now giving him my wife. I wrote here today on a horse. Get a fucking GM and shut up, fucking wax face, son of a bitch.

Oh, shit. This has nothing to do with Jerry Jones. Has to do with the fact that I went one in three last week, Paul, because fuckhead, whoever the fuck he is, can't kick a goddamn fucking field goal. Paul, I'm slipping away. I'm going into the deep water. Bill, you went two and two, Bill. I mean, you're wrong every week. You went two and two and I went to and two. Hey Paul, if you know, if I want to get insulted I would just go talk to my wife. All right, I don't need to listen. You tell me that I'm wrong also. We will we both went to and to

You got one one. Oh, I did. Yeah, yeah, you went. I don't know. I don't know Anyway, let's get into fucking Seattle goddamn fucking game. This is what I hate about gambling Paul is I I'm literally fucking mad about an eight an NFC West game. My team was off. I should have had me feed up. You know, having a having a SaaS perillipal. What am I doing?

What's it? What am I doing? Huh? I'm fucking losing my shit about the fucking sea hawks and the ramps. I don't give a fuck about either one of those teams. Dude, when I lose a heartbreaker, I just do, I pull away Phillips, I go, I don't think I get the next one.

That's not true, Paul. You text and caps. Not only giants, only when my team does. When these guys go down, I get hurt. I don't hurt me, okay? I don't know, I've gotten a lot of fucking. No, you got a lot of what are they doing? Yes. What do they do it? Oh, you know, I ran it to the other day. I ran I went to a, I'm going to do a little promo here. Leo on Netflix starring Adam

Sandler. All Freckles does a little voice in that. And when I was at the premiere, fucking great movie, dude. Really funny. A bunch of jokes for adults and my kids loved it, too. I rented to Nick Tutoro. And I was like, oh my god, dude, I go, you during baseball season, when the Yankees are messing up, it's my favorite. It's like, that guy's such a real fan. I just love when I don't even know the Yankees are playing and all of a sudden he'll just send out a text all caps that just says, what do they do? And I'm like, all right,

evidently the Yankees are playing tonight and they were up and now they're not up. Like that guy gives a fuck about game 47 of the regular of the whatever the fuck you call base what space balls regular season called the season Just see yeah 162 games dude and yank I will say this I will say this I hate to say this. I mean it's gonna be a tough thing for me to say on this show Ha look I mean, it's gonna be a tough thing for me to say on this show. Ah, look.

Ah. Oh, look, look, dude. I gotta, here's the thing with me. Here's the thing with me, dude. I gotta call it how I see it. I gotta call the truth. Red Sox fans on a baseball level are, I mean, that's like a, like Red Sox with baseball is something.

Your fans are fucking know everything fucking. I mean, on a real, but I will say Yankee fans too, not maybe as much as you guys Yankee fans are red socks fans. This is where you buy back the compliment. No, no, no, no, we're right there. No, because I was going to say us, because I was going to say Yankee fan, a really Yankee fan will call up the fan.

I heard it, dude. We were on game 11 last year and he called up and he goes, dude, I just see it, man, we don't have it now. Granted, he was right, but he's talking about our infield and it's week 11 and then you had a fucking whole screaming. I mean, it's game 11. You guys are like that too with the red socks, dude. I give it to July. But dude, did you see the video? So just happened there. You started to compliment us and then you just talked about some Yankee guy calling it

by game 11 and then you just walked away from it. It was like, I saw the gift. I was reaching for the gift bag and then you just fucking sort of moonwalked out there. I was basically saying, I was basically saying, you guys are probably the best baseball town and I just didn't have it fully in my heart to let it go. Yeah, I think that that's what happened.

You're not it's the then I just went, yeah, you fans care too. Dude, did you? I was at the NFL pretending that they support the troops what they actually get paid. Like it's a commercial. Hey, hey, man, my wife. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Come on, you know my birthday's Veterans Day and my wife always gets me the Veterans Day. So when I was like, you served, look at this, I did.

You know, you know my birthday's Veterans Day. So what do I gotta thank you for your service? No, but you got like, for fucking being booked on Veterans Day. You weren't even the fucking Cubs Couts. I like the Veterans Day apparel, you know. I like to get everything Veterans Day because it was my birthday, that's all.

The gift, it was a gift. Okay, but you started in when we meet with, like I wasn't supporting the troops. No, no, I told you. Which is what has led to bankrupting this fucking country. You can't criticize the coaches, or that means you don't support the fucking troops. Yeah, I mean, if you don't,

it's the dumbest thing ever. So then you can't question where they put them and then you watch the coffers, I don't fucking country go like this. And then they blame Tiespaw. I'm on a rant again. Dude, I'm just carrying up for another election where my two choices are gonna be

two senile fucking 90 year olds. Like this is the best. Can I get a 40 year old? I know. So you're gonna have to live with his decisions. Dude, I said that on stage, I go, can we get a 36 year old that looks like James Bond just once I go, if you get that guy, I don't give a fuck about his policies. I want a full head of hair, slick back nice.

Yeah, 007. Yeah, and then fucking go out there. I'm on a carlo. Bulls, you know, go throw some dice. I don't give a shit. You make me be you look good You make me feel good. I don't want to fucking old guys Billy pulls up in a Lambo the fucking thing comes up He comes out with a cock bail he starts pointing like no no the door comes up in a secret service guy It's out first it was sitting in his lap and then he gets out it in his lap and then he gets out. Oh, dude, did you see, I didn't know this, but apparently the Diamondbacks who just lost

the world series. Dude, this was fucking brutal. Talk about a relationship. The steamrolled by the fucking Rangers. But talk about a relationship being over with friends. I would imagine, dude, apparently the Diamondbacks bring in a picture that was like struggling through the playoffs and he came out of the fucking thing and he starts jogging in and they showed the, and I guess this is the last game or something when it was really close.

And they showed the catcher and the catcher's watching him jogging and the catcher just goes, dude, like it was basically like you're bringing that fucking guy into losing. You never know. His girlfriend probably said something before the game. Of course she did. So the good thing is if you lose tonight, then we can go on that save occasion. And he's probably thinking like, I just what I dreamed about as a kid. And then people like, Paul never underestimate my ability to blame women.

All right, guys, this is a week 12. Oh, though, you see what George W Bush got a standing ovation at the Rangers game. There's a guy back up to the country. Woo. Talk about a guy that got a pastor. That guy came out on Kimmel and everybody was clapping like he was. I remember when people fucking hate, I mean, that's unbelievable. Dude, his playing the saxophone, like fucking stupid Bill Clinton, his thing, he played the

saxophone on our Cineo and then he just gets, he's cool pass. And he's, he was a guy who did the final nail in the coffin to deregulate the banks that set up 2008. George W. Bush fucking threw a heater right after 9-11. He can do no wrong. That's it. Yeah. I mean, he got to get out of his impression of dude Yankee stadium. I mean a tough pitch with a fucking vest on They said he had a vest on dude. I think was the thing was

They said he talked about it for like 15 years after he still talks about I heard it. Yeah, you know, he's but what else is he gonna talk about? Yeah, his painting Policies where he goes oops. Yeah, I guess I was wrong on that one. I mean look about fucking brutal Cole, listen to the willing Paul All right guys it's the We call preview and I believe Andrew you can check but I believe we both went two and two last week It's the bed MGM app everybody all you got to do is download the bed MGM app put $10 in and then all you have to do is

You do a $10 bet, you get up to $200 regardless of the outcome of your bet. There you go. You have a lot of fun with us. Came close to another special bill. We came close to another special. Do you know what kills me is my homes through to Kelsey in the beginning of the like the second touchdown. So by the second quarter, two out of three things happen. Fucking Jalen Hertz throws a bomb to this guy. 41 yard completion tackles on the one yard line and then he runs it in. Did they review it? Did that was he close to the touchdown or no? They didn't review it. The guy called it on the field and he got it right. You know what I fucking hate about that ball? Can they ever have the angle right? Well, like, oh, that's the first down and

I'm fucking looking at it like this. It's like, what is it take, they literally have a fucking camera on the fucking marker, and it still looks a little fucking off. That's that big, that's the juice. That's the juice, yeah. All right, well, this week is week number 12, and I believe I have the first pick this week. Paul, I believe you do too.

And oh, this is Thanksgiving football week. Paul, can believe you do too. And oh, this is Thanksgiving for Bolly. Paul, can you believe it's Thanksgiving already? The kids get so big. Can you believe for the price of 12 munchkins, you get 10? Fucking Joe burrow out for the whole time. Paul, would you like to upgrade and get a straw? These are gonna be the new scams. By the way, we don't wash our glasses. Would you like to upgrade and get a straw? Paul's looking, Paul's looking early. My wife is like text him. It's like, you know what, it's Thanksgiving, dude.

All right. Hey, Paul, in their world, it's always Thanksgiving. It's never worth it. It's never worth it. All right, here we go. My first pick. I wanted to go see a movie today, Paul. It's never worth it. It's never worth it. All right, here we go. My first pick, I wanted to go see a movie today, Paul. That's what I wanted to do.

We're not doing that. Oh, I wanted to see a movie too. I want to see Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah. It's Thanksgiving. Why won't I go see it? I love Quentin Tarantino. I'm dealing with you.

No, I don't think it's Tarantino. It's a... What did you just say? It's Eli Roth, I believe. Tim Dylan. No, I don't think it's Tarantino. It's a, what did you just say? It's Eli Roth, I believe. I know, but it's his fake movie trailer that he put out. He did Machete. Yeah, Tim Dylan's in it. That's right. Eli Roth.

Dude, the way you just said Tim Dylan is in it, after you just read that fucking text, it really annoyed me. No, I'm, what? You just clandered over and you had the fucking answer. What do you mean? Look at what says private chat, says Eli Roth and it says Tim Dylan is in it. It's Jake the snake helping us out.

Oh, no, but I saw Eli Roth in the interview and I saw Tim's head. I don't want to give it away, but anyway, check it out, I guess. I believe Eli Roth already has another movie coming out. I mean, where's the time going? Number how young he was when he started. I also want to see Joaquin Phoenix as Napoleon. Yeah, I'm getting tired of that fucking dude, man. What?

What? I don't know. Just when he fucking started crying about the calf, I was just like, dude. Crying about what calf? What's the word an animal? No, the animal. He was basically like talking about like when they take the calf from the mother

and then they get a stake out of it. It was like this vegan thing, but he got emotional. I was just like, oh, dude, I loved your performance and I didn't want to go there. He was like, when you take the cab from the mother, you could hear them crying out for their mother. And he was like, I thought it was, it almost sounded like he was talking about children

and he was talking about cows and shit. And I was like, all right, man. Well, I mean, is he wrong? I'm not saying I'm not gonna have a stake, but I'm just saying. You don't want to, Paul, you know what it is? The same way you don't want to know where your gas comes from. You don't want to know where your stake comes from. Paul, you don't want to know Paul, you know what it is? The same way you don't want to know where your gas comes from. You don't want to know where your steak comes from.

Paul, you don't want to know where that hoodie came from. You know what I'm trying? Children sewed that together for 30 cents a month. Oh, man, Bill, I don't know what to do for my first pick. Paul, I know what to do. I just think, I can let it rip. Look at it gain that fucking makes you fucking, I don't know what, I was gonna say the hair on top of your headstand.

It makes you fucking you're you're beard get a little fuzzier. How about this? Jake the snake. I'm off the chargers. It's over ladies and gentlemen. It's over. Oh my god. It's over. They finally get it. It's Rothstein finally walked away from Sharon Stone. Yeah, take your fucking money. Is it what you want? All right, how about this?

I was going to go, I was going to do something here because of Thanksgiving, but I'm going to flip. I'm going to change it. I'm going to take the Denver Broncos. I'm going to take the Denver Broncos at home. Oh, uh, minus two and a half. That sucks. I thought it was one and a half minus. Oh, uh, minus two and a half. That sucks. I thought it was one and a half minus.

I'm still taking a two and a half. I'm, you know what? Dave won a few games in a row now. And Russell Wilson now has 19 touchdowns tied for third in the NFL. I like that kid's Sutton. I'm going to take the Denver Broncos at home against the Browns who have a backup quarterback. I know they have a good defense, but I'm just going to see if Denver can ride this out and squeeze in there.

I like it. All right. I'm going to take the Philadelphia Eagles minus three against the Buffalo Bills. Oh, I like the Eagles with who's their coach. Crazy Eddie. I'm crazy Eddie. Dude, that's the best one. That's, I'll be honest with you, dude. That is, I probably want to just That's the best one. That's I'll be honest with you do that is I probably want

I'm just he he is completely emotionally unstable and you know what I fucking I feel seen As the kids say I fucking love that guy. Do you love that guy? He annoys you know the way he's gonna do is cries there in the anthem he He nods at the camera. He's yelling at fucking, he's yelling at cheese fans. I wish he yelled at my home's wife. That would've been perfect, the two of them. Yeah, fuck yeah. That would've been awesome. Oh, he did that, and I would've been a fan forever.

That would've been WWE. If the two of them got going, I love both of them, man. Fucking, I love lunatics. And I just believe in, Jalen hurts ability to extend the play Paul you think you got him he runs He gets the fucking first down or he runs around enough for people get open I just feel like the bills they won last week they had a big to date and they just keep going and now here we go Now here we go and now we're gonna be what everybody thought we were and and and they just keep everything

They just keep tripping over their own feet. The Eagles minus three Paul. At home too, that's a good pick. All right. Oh man. All right, dude. Don't want to pull the trigger. Do it, Paulie.

Don't think about it. This relasks in squeeze. You don't have the balls. Yeah. All right. Oh, listen. Hey, get some said he's going to kill himself. Do I dare have the balls to do this?

No, I don't. I'm going to do, you know what? I'm going to, it's too many points. I don't. Sorry. Oh, you're going to do the cowboys? No, no, I was looking at the, I was looking at the, um, the Texans and, uh, dude, I don't know who the Texans are.

We're a really good team that are going to make the playoffs and that's too fucking close of a line. I'll be honest with you guys. I'm not going into this week. I'm going into this week. A little wishy-washy here, dude. I'm not gonna like this call. I know, I know.

This isn't like you. I know. This is November, this is Verzy time. You know what, I gotta go Detroit Lions on Thanksgiving. I know it's seven and a half. I hate to have. I hate to have. I lost, to loss.

But here's the thing. Pfft. I know, here's the thing. It's not, I mean, the half kills me, but here's the thing. Here's the thing. It's not that, I mean, the half kills me, but listen, I think the lions want to really show out on Thanksgiving because this is, yeah, and I would rather root for the fucking lions on Thanksgiving. That's their day. It's not the Packers.

No, and I think that even there, I think that a eight and two lions team, you know, this used to be their Super Bowl. I think they're gonna go, let's show everybody who we really are. Everybody's gonna be watching. It's probably one of the most watched games of the year. I'm gonna take them, I do hate to have. Yeah, if your wife doesn't put on the West Mr. Dog Show.

No, she knows better. We watched the dog show and then I watched the game later. Although I'm not a lot of you, Paul. I like the dog show and then I watched the game later. Although I'm not a lot of you, Paul. I like the dog show and for two years in a row, me and my lovely wife, we picked the winner. Let me fucking dogs that is, Paul. That's nice. That's like hitting a three team T's in a sport

you don't even watch. Fuck, do I know about dogs? All right, Lion seven. I know they happy when you come home. They're happy to see you. Yeah. Yeah. Now they make you feel like you matter.

I like so many people you live with. Dude, I'm in such a stupid mood. Anybody watching this? I don't mean half the shit I'm saying. I'm just being a fucking, I'm just goofing, new boot, goofing. All right. What do you got Paul? I took lions and seven. Oh, you you did I'm fucking running my app like a

Seven and a half hey Paul, you know, I actually Yeah, I know what the Texans do Paul they cover What is it one and a half? Oh? Yeah, I'm gonna take the Texans I believe in them. I don't believe in the Jaguar. Don't you shake your fucking head at me, Paul? Do I shake your head when you make pens? Shake it in a good way. Relax. I'm going. All right. I'm going to be all defensive. No, I'm shaking like he's got to see that. So then you don't know what the catcher of the diamond backs was doing. You don't know what he was saying. No, when you see it, you know, uh, you know, Paul, there's too many fucking cameras you can't even have a fucking moment

You can't even have a fucking moment somebody picks it up. It's How do the Astros not think they were gonna get caught? That's what amazes me dude. That's a bit That's a bit these guys in pro sports. They can do nothing remember what's his name tried to bite a sandwich these guys in pro sports, they can do nothing. Remember what's his name, tried to bite a sandwich? He's like, he's hungry. So he had like a, but then he just went like this and it was just like the biggest meme. He just was hungry.

Yeah, no. If he just went out and ate it, he would've been fine. If he just fucking ate it, it would've been funny. If he tried and hide it, that's right. It's like being gay, Paul. If you're in the closet, people that like gay people, like he totally gay, I don't know, come at you like fucking animals.

The second you come out, Paul. It's like you're a hero. It's like you were the one who dropped the bombs. Yeah, you ever noticed that? Paul, when you're gonna come out, you're trying too hard with that fucking shit brown vest you got on there. Come on, man. As a kid. What color is that? It's brown. I would debate that.

It's brown. Look, look, what color is it? Look, you know what it's called? It's depressing. I know it probably first show. It probably is. Brown doesn't look good on camera. I mean, it's designed to hide in the fucking Mojave Yeah, that's right on a lush land Paul. Yeah, I should have went with the more color that pops go ahead It's my turn again I just picked the Texan. Oh shit. I'm sorry look at me now. I'm yapping all right. Hey Paul look at us, you know Oh shit, I'm sorry. Look at me. Now I'm yapping. All right. Hey Paul, look at us, you know. All right, so you got the Texans. I do have the Texans. I have the Eagles and I have the Texans, and I feel pretty good about that. I got some East Coast people. I got some people down in Texas, you know.

I can't take that game. All right. Top City in Texas. What do you like? I'm a big fan of Texas. I like Dallas. Dallas is my favorite. I'm a Dallas guy. Dallas is my favorite. Yeah. You know, I'm not big show off. I like watching people show enough.

I like Dallas. Look at my last big titties. You can stick your face in them if you want to. Andrew, I'm sorry. I'm on. Sure, on though. Sure it on. I'm sorry, Andrew. You're gonna probably have to edit, dude. I'm on. Sure, on though. Sure, it on. I'm sorry, Andrew.

You're going to probably have to edit, dude. I'm all over the place this week, dude. I don't know. I got me, Paul, you know what I went out? I got my own ranch right outside of Dallas. I got me a dooly. And even for me, either. It's my full my grandson, my grand nephew. I let him just drive around.

We ain't gonna hit nothing. Be runs over something, we'll just fucking eat it. I'm gonna take the Raiders get nine. I'm gonna take the Raiders get nine against the Chiefs. I think the Chiefs win the game, but you know what? The Raiders are coming off their first loss under Antonio Pierce and their home. And I think the crowd's going to be into it. And I think it could be a backdoor cover. Division of rivalry to those games, historically close. Who do the Raiders have a quarterback?

That's the problem. That's why I stayed away. Okay. Max back. I don't know. I don't know. But they have O'Connell. I quarterback. I don't know, dude. O'Connell. Listen, not gonna lie. This is this is Paulie's wishy-washy week. I don't know. All right. This is where I get wishy-washy. 80, 80, O'Connell. No disrespect. This is where I get wishy-washy-Paul. I'm thinking Packers, I don't wanna do that to myself. Beautiful wife, two beautiful kids. I don't need to be fucking screaming about a game on Thanksgiving.

You know, fuck that, fuck that game. Then the Ravens, minus three and a half against the Chargers. I kinda like that. I kinda like the Browns Paul, plus two and a half. I'm gonna go, you know what? The game's gonna be on out here. By the way, totally overrated the fucking NFL package. Because the best game is usually on regular TV anyway, and you get the best announces. I don't watch football game. I watch the Giants and whatever game is on TV, the worst football market ever, Paul, New York City.

When I fucking live there, all I got was the boring ass giants in the shitty fucking jets. Everything. That was the one o'clock and then the four o'clock and they fucking sucked. It fucking sucked. But I'm a giants fan, so that's fine for me.

I'm just saying Paul, it's a terrible fucking market. Pfft. Pfft. Okay. It's unfuckin', you're in New York City. Yeah, it's a terrible fucking market It's unfuckin you're in New York City. I figure I should have some excitement, right? Yeah, I know what you mean because yeah The excitement was when I was in New York was the fucking Yankees and whoever the fuck they signed and watching them steam roll the league that was Sort of something to watch all right. I'm gonna take the Ravens minus three and a half against them. San Diego charges Paul. You got to move up to Southern California. Paul got strawberries. The size of your head. The Ravens are your Sharon stun, dude. You just

can't. No, I stayed away from these fuckers for weeks. They turn the ball over. I learned that watching inside the NFL. By the way, did you see the host of that? Did you see that fucking medallion he had hanging off his chest? I was just, I'm off his chain, I mean, I wish I could get away with that. Oh, no, I didn't see that. It was something else, Paul. We're at whatever planet we're settling next. I feel like he had the answer. And like that, that thing hanging off his chain, like somebody else has it, you stick it together

and then you just teleport out of here. That's how nice it was. I'm gonna take the Miami dolphins to beat the jets by 10. Oh man, this is a week that's gonna be, make sense. You know what I loved about that? I love how you try to have false confidence on the

pick. One thousand percent. Nothing was faker. Nothing was faker than that confidence with that pick. I'm going to just, you know what, man, the jets have their third string quarterbacks. I think it's nine and a half. Somebody just wrote it. Nine and a half. Nine and a half. Hey, Paul, hey, hey, that could be there's pre-enjoined the stuffing and throwing

it against the wall. Dude, it's at the jets too, but they have just, they're just bad, man. They're anemic. They can't move the fucking ball. So when you get scared in the first half because they have a good defense, but then they can't move the ball, then their defense gets tired and then those dolphins start running down hill, even though they don't have feet. Tyree kill, Tyree kill and they're healthy and they, you know, I just think with the jets with a third string quarterback man, I'm just gonna take, I'm just gonna take Miami to win that game by a lot. I think the jet season is over, and I think it'll allow Aaron Rogers to rest and not have to fucking rush back within a kill.

So there you go. I'm gonna take that. Okay. Paul Versey, dolphins, minus nine and a half in the aluminum siding stadium that is met life. People trash in that stadium, Paul. I like it. You know, I like about that stadium. Looks like a football stadium. What don't they like?

There's not a place to fucking wash in, nuts every fucking 10 feet. I got the lions, oh my God. Did I'm getting all these points? I mean, this is fucking rough, dude. You're laying points. Yeah, I mean, I'm just I'm daring with you. I'm daring the NFL guys to give me a lose in week. What did you go last week? Two and two. Oh, two and two. We both lose in week for you. We both went two and two.

Oh, Billy wins some loose. I never said loose them every fucking week. I never, I never said loose them every fucking week. I never said loose them every fucking week. I never said loose them every fucking week. I never said loose them every fucking week. I never said loose them every fucking week. I never said loose them every fucking week.

I never said loose them every fucking week. I never said loose them every fucking week. I never said loose them every fucking week. I never said loose them every fucking week. I never said loose them that fucking even. And barely know anybody's name in the NFL because you're fucking doing the right thing, Paul. Playing with your kids. By the way, you're so fast, Paul. This is the most injury season ever for major players, dude. Aaron Rodgers and now Joe Burrow and Andrew Thomas, the wide receiver Mike Williams like all these guys are just out for the year, man. It's like I got a theory on that. I don't remember guys getting hurt. I got a theory on that. What's a theory? I just want to be that guy in the sports box. You know, you know, that guy, you just sitting there going like, oh, Jesus Christ. I'll tell you what it is. I tell you what it is. You want to know what it is? I'll tell you what it is. Yeah, they put too many pellets in the astral turf. Look at it. Look at it. My buddy has the contract.

He was telling me. He said, he said what done in the owner said, no, put more down. They cost cancer. There's lead in those tires. That's what it is. They keep saying that they're blowing out their knees. They actually, it's lead poisoning

and they're covering it up. Yeah, yeah. Or the guy that goes like this, this is the funny guy.'re covering it up. Yeah, yeah. Or the guy that goes like this, this is the funny guy. I love this guy, the guy that goes, no, they knew he was gonna be hurt. They knew. They, it's like, what? They let him out there.

I think he was already hurt. He was, you know, those guys, he was hurt and training camp. You could see it. I, anytime there's a quick trade, you know what it was, he was banging the owner's daughter. That's what it was. He was.

He was hooking up with there. They told him to stop and he kept fucking her so they shipped him off to Buffalo. Dude, I was at an Applebee's and I overheard the booth behind me. Apparently it was the guy's lawyer telling you, dude. There was internal problems in the locker room. I heard it. The world receiver's coach lives on my block. I overheard him. He's having a cup of coffee.

He said the quarterback knocked up one of the cheerleaders. I hate most when people say that. Dead ass. Oh, Jesus. Oh, dead ass. How funny is that hearing that come out of my mouth, fucking this ass? Dude, dead ass. Yeah. Hey, Paul, you don't want this smoke.

Oh, that's the worst or like, you know, I kills me. How about every time anybody makes anything musical, they have to have the Jay Z meme when he's got the glasses nod in his head. Like when do people think that's gonna be funny? Which is crazy. This is meme where he's he's fucking, he's got his glasses on, he's fucking nod in his head.

Just going like this. And it's always off of some shitty music. Every fucking time. You remember when the YouTube first came out? And everybody's like, what was this film with a potato? How many fucking time, okay, the first time it's funny. Fucking 10 years later.

Well, it was just film with a potato laughing my ass off, not asking for that smoke, dead ass. Okay. Okay. Okay. Andrew, I don't know my picks. There it Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay, okay. No. I'm not a Brooklyn fan. I don't like to Brooklyn nets. I don't like that all these fucking people that never even knew what real Brooklyn was is acting like. I mean, we're Brooklyn at, go Brooklyn. Oh, dude, you don't like it's safe for all those beta male stand-up comedians that live out there? Somebody goes, dude, somebody goes, you should do a show in Brooklyn. And I saw the lineups. And I'm like, yeah, nah, not doing that. Not doing it. I know, because you're going to go out there and you're going to try to have a good show. And what's funny is, is those liberal cuts are going to so judge you the second you walk

on stage. I had that happen in Brooklyn. And then it's yeah, like, yeah, the open-minded liberals. Yeah. What's his name back in the day had that room at the knitting factory, Hannibal Burris, and I went and did it. And I remember I'm like, yeah, so I got married. I got a couple kids. Anybody? And I remember, I remember like one woman was standing there in a scarf looking at me. And when I said, you have a family, a family that she was like, almost like you're on your fucking own. And I wanted to go, I wanted to go I wanted to go oh Oh, so your parents are paying for that brownstone and Williamsburg and I'm the fucking asshole. I'm the asshole. You're mainstream Polly.

I still am. Hey Bill, what's what's wrong with living on Main Street? What's wrong? What's what's wrong with it? Andrew, what are my picks, dude? What did I take? I took the lions. I took the Raiders. Who else did I take? Paul, I don't know if this is the coffee talking, but I am having a great time. I got the dolphins. Are you? I am. I'm being a fucking idiot this week. I thought you would.

Nine and a half. Maybe it's because my tours over Paul and I am, I don't have any fucking road dates until, until the Super Bowl. Super Bowl. Okay. No, I got the Raiders, not the Chiefs. I got the dolphins. I got the lions and what else? Do I have another pick or no?

Just throughout my cell phone. Oh, and I got the Broncos. Got it. Oh, good. It's still working. Thank you, Jake. I mean, see Jake, the snake is just, Bill throughout my cell phone. Oh, and I got the Broncos, got it. Got it. Thank you, Jake. Oh, good. It's still working. Thank you, Jake.

I mean, see, Jake the snake is just, Bill has one more pick. What do you mean, have one more pick? I pick the fucking Eagles. I pick the Texans. I pick the Ravens. All right, you're right. All right, let me get the Browns.

In honor of Paul, in honor of Paul Versey's brown fucking hide in the desert. We're going to go head to head here. Why? Who do you got? I got the Broncos. Oh yeah, the Broncos I could win again. Minus two and a half. Although Russell, I'm looking at a rough week here guys. Well, what's a rough week for you Paul?

Two and two, one and three, three, oh and four. No, you haven't gone on for the whole year. Yeah, I did week two. You did? Yeah, you did? I was down, dude. Did you? I was on for the whole year. Yeah, I did week two. You did? Yeah. You did? I was down, dude. Did you?

I was down, but never out. Never fucking out. Paul, you fucking dug a hole. And David calling for your job. And then you went on a fucking tear and then all of those people. All of those people that sent you tweets. What kind of a jerk off would call Twitter X?

I hate that. You know what I mean? It's just, I had a guy like that. It's like it's the staple center. It's not the Bitcoin, fucking Fugazi, crypto, fucking whatever the fuck they're calling it.

It's the staple center. It's Lambo field. It should be called, none of it should be businesses. It should be called a coliseum. It should be called the garden. It should be called the memorial. The could be, it should be named after a beer. That's as far as you go.

Like the Patriots used to play in Shae for Stady. What's that worst one, smoothie, smoothie king arena? No, the worst one ever was was the jobbing.com. Something like that jobs.com arena where the Phoenix, Coyotes played. When me and Joe Barton sat at Sofie, where we sat and I looked around that place, dude, that place, you called me after you went there the first time.

I saw those pillars and it made me think of the Roman Empire, whatever, when you said that. And I was just like, I'm in. So it looks like a fucking stingray. It's unbelievable. As you're coming up to it and you get inside it, when I walked inside and I just looked all around, I felt like I was on mushrooms. It was nuts. It's like, is that a green screen or those really fans that, but I will say you're still way far away. I was waiting and they just pumped, every stadium's pumping crowd noise in.

Like the level I've loud that they are, I bring fucking earplugs to a football game, like I'm at a concert. Right and I'm old as shit. Dude, when I looked up, we were sitting, I looked up and I saw the levels. I was waiting for Russell Crowe's character and the gladiator, do you not entertain, throw a sword at the, or the, what's it called? up and I saw the levels. I was waiting for Russell Crowe's character and the gladiator to go, are you not entertained to throw a sword at the, or the, what's it called? Is there anything more worse than when a football player yells that to the crowd? Or the UFC fighters do too. Yeah. Well, yeah, I'll go with UFC because they're actually gladiators.

You know, actually, they're actually pouring blood. Yeah, you're pouring blood down. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, it is a little hacky, but I can go with that. But when an NFL player, you know, fucking catches a fucking touch, a catchers a pass and scores a touchdown. And then yells, are you not entertained? Who did that first? Was it Jay Z on one of his albums? Why would you ever align yourself like, yeah, I'm at the same level as what a guys who holds family?

Yeah, you've defeated a fucking lion Yeah, with what a letter opener. I mean that yet like you're on that level You not entertained You up there write in words. Paul, everybody's getting it this week. What are you doing for that? That big Jay Z fan and I went to his, that, that thing they had out there in Brooklyn. And you know what was the best part? It was a self made man.

I love the self made man because it makes you feel like you can do it too. I'm hacking up along this week Paul. I swear to God, every time I fucking come off the road, I'm a little bit sick and then my kids, I don't know what's going around. Now all the kids are getting that, what's it called? My son comes in my room every morning, get that, can I have waffles? Cops right in my face and then it's in, I'm done. What are you guys hosting?

You host this year? No, Paul, I headlight. You're not here. I headlight. I carved a turkey. I carved a turkey too. Yeah. I'm good at carving it.

I figured it out. It took me three years. I finally got it. I finally got it. It's going YouTube. It shows you how to do it. Oh, yeah, I just kind of... Oh, Jesus.

Oh, it's a murder scene. No, the first year was, I got it, I figured it out. It's a murder scene. That's just fixing you. Slice it in half the other way. Some people, dude, want this one ship. Can you just go on the other room? Can you just go on the other room?

I know it's messy, I'm gonna clean it up. No, one guy flattened it, dude. It was like the way he broke it. No, the chef, he like broke it down and flattened it and did it and dude, it was like the neatest thing ever. Yeah, yeah. I'm excited, though, man. I got some family members coming.

Got some family members not coming. So it's gonna be a nice thing. thing. We're hosting. Yeah, I got the usual. I got the family, I got the relatives, I got a couple of comics, you know, it's going to be good. But these are comics you love, obviously. Yes. Yeah. I don't like that. That's the one thing about Thanksgiving. We're talking about it before it's like, I don't like those people that bring stranger. He got, he had nowhere to go. it before it's like, I don't like those people that bring strangers. He had nowhere to go. It's like, well, I don't know. It's my fault, too.

That's the fucking worst. He had nowhere to go. He's got nowhere to go because he's an asshole. And it's like this. It's like, he's a wild card. I don't know him. I don't know what he's gonna say. Nobody knows him.

And then I look like I'm doing the good deed. And then all of a sudden, my family members aren't egg shells because there's something you've got to go in your room and hide your watch. No, no, it's not happening. You're not coming to my house. You're not gonna be around my kids. It's just not gonna happen.

It's not gonna happen to. Not with me. You got nowhere to go. Well guess what? He still has nowhere to go. Hey, guess what? My nose got a place to go. The fuck on outta here.

Yeah. And I don't like those people. They act like they're, hey, I was wondering, can I friend? He's got nowhere. Ah, sorry, not enough. Hey, Paul, when you finish carving the turkey, can you yell, are you not entertained to your wife and kids?

Oh my God. I'll just hold the carver up. Yeah. Are you not entertained? Look at it. No, in the middle of everybody eating, just slam your hand down and then just stare at them. It's like, what the fuck? Just be like, I'm just kidding. Yeah. I just wanted to, you know,

just say what I'm thankful for this year. Then you just go hallmark after that. Yeah. I don't, you know, it also don't like, I don't like the, I don't like the person that says grace too long for them. It's for them.

You know? I don't mind grace unless it starts with heavenly father. That's when you know it's going to be long. No, but they're extra religious. Hey, heavenly father. No, the ones that do it selfishly, it's you're supposed to fucking say it quick. You're supposed to say it and mean it, but the ones that like prolong and we know that we know that a lot of people that aren't here with us then people start getting sad. It's like Jesus fucking it's not a it's not a ulaji right and then and then if somebody at the table is going through a problem we know Jeff is going through we pray that Jeff gets through this and Jeff's just holding a knife

for. He's waiting. We know Jeff thought that massage parlour was legal. Hey, mother, let's stay on topic here. Come on. Come on, his mother's mother's here. Come on. My shoulder issue. Swipes a little erratic. You should have listened to me. But he then leave father. Oh, I was in a bad mood. You put me in a silly mood. I'm in a, oh my God.

Me and Paul have been joking about, you know, the friend you have that threatens that they're going to kill themselves, but you know, they're not. And it just gets exhausting talking them off the fucking ledge. Yeah. That's's funny. And then we were just saying like, because neither one of us is going to do the bit, like you just called it bluff. Yeah, you don't got the balls.

Yeah. Dude, do me a favor. Do me a favor. Call me away after you did it. Yeah, no, but they always start off where they want you to say, oh, no, don't say that. They'll go like this. They'll go, ad you, I don't give a fuck anymore. Who knows if I'm even going to fuck? They start, who knows if I'm going to be around. And then you're looking at it like this. They'll go, I do it. I don't give a fuck anymore. Who knows if I'm even gonna fuck?

They still, who knows if I'm gonna be around? And then you're looking at it and they want you to go, hey man, come on dude, do you need me? And it's, no, what you do the first 1,400 fucking times. And then you're like, wait a minute. Yeah. Am I Charlie Brown trying to kick the fucking ball here?

No, but you had the best one. And you know there's a lot of traffic out there. If you want to be one less fucking car, but you had the back. And you know, there's a lot of traffic out there. If you want to be one less fucking car, no, you had the best one where you just go, you don't have the balls, dude. That one, that text is, cause it would just confuse them. They would be confused.

They would be like, what dude, I don't have the balls. You know, got it in you. We're still doing that. Most fucking people come at us. I've had friends that have killed themselves. But you know what I mean? I've also had friends that threaten to kill themselves and you fucking got to go through all those fucking emotions and all it is is that they just haven't a fucking narcissist

moment where they need attention or whatever it is. I'm not Dr. Phil. If anybody took that seriously watching this to kill yourself, not kidding. No, I'm just saying. No, I'm saying it like it makes, we're actually saying that we're good friends that feel concerned. I'm not lying, I had a friend say that,

going, hey man, I don't know if I'm gonna, and I literally was like, dude, don't say that, like I'm here for you, and it puts you in the situation, but then when they do it, like you said multiple times, I'm going, who am I talking to here, dude? This isn't healthy for any fucking body. Go get help and stop doing it to me because I fucking love you.

And I don't want God forbid that that happens. Boy, that's okay. Yeah, I mean, after a while, is there a rule like how many times can someone threaten to kill themselves? Well, like, you did, you should be like a punch card. You know, we get like a free video. Oh, what in the day, like a free start?

Bill, what if they start saying it, you go, no, you're not. Oh, what in the day? Like a free start? Bill, what if they start saying it, you're going, no, you're not. Oh, that's again. You said that three months ago, you're still here. I'll tell you right now, if you try to kill yourself one more time, you know, doing, I'm going to fucking kill myself. I'll kill you and me. If you murder suicide, you fucking come. They want me to help you because I'm sick of you. You just,, if you murder suicide, you fucking come. You want me to help you? Cause I'm sick of you. You just, no, you just look around to all your friends as he's saying it, you go,

la, he's okay. I'll talk, I'll talk. You know what these jokes are for Paul? The people that have to fucking go through it every time they say it. All right, they deserve jokes too. It's exhausting. It's exhausting.

It's emotionally exhausting because you love the person and they fucking do that. And there's something in your mind that goes maybe one time they do it and it's fucking sad. And by the way, if anybody has issues like that, call the hotline, talk to everybody knows that, Paul. You don't have to fucking you. Everybody knows that. Everybody knows that. I know, but you said everybody knows that. Who doesn't think about killing themselves?

I mean, when I was not, you always have the thought. Like when you're young, like a little quick thing, you know. You know what, I was afraid of like joking, like joking with a rope, like, and then all of a sudden, like, you slip, you're like, no, I didn't, I didn't fucking mean it, dude. I didn't, you know, like, even though you wouldn't be able to scream. Yeah, if you, if you can yell that, I think you're all right. Or like drowning in two inches, or you know what, a big one of mine, fear factor, did this one

thing, dude. The one fear factor that still haunts me to this day. I don't care about eating cow balls. I don't care about the insects and the tarantulas and all that. The one thing that fucking still makes me every time is the car that went into a swimming pool and the guy had to get out and he was just and like there were like divers there in case he couldn't but like you're strapped in a seatbelt you get submerged and then you had to do it and get out through for me. Oh my God. That for me, dude, being underwater in a car in that little of water freaks me, that's like the number one thing that they hit for me.

Right. You know? And then you know, there's that guy. There's that guy. Here's this guy. You're gonna love this. No, I know how to do that. Listen, you gotta wait and then open the guy

that acts calm like he knows what to do. You wait for it to be submerged, and then you go and swim out. It's not that big of a deal. It's like, yeah, okay. Yeah, I don't get it. You gotta wait till the pressure equalizes. Well, how do I do that?

It's not a pressurized cabin. It's a fucking car. Maybe through the vents it gets equal. I don't know. Yeah, nobody knows. I mean, let's just... Well, my thing is if you have electric windows, that's what sucks about electric windows.

If you go in, how do you get the windows to go down? You gotta be like when you're in the air like Duke's a hazard, let me get my hand in it, like Duke's a hazard, that's when you fucking, you're like, ah, you gotta put the fucking window down, as you're going. I'm gonna tell you something really stupid I did. Please don't judge me.

I know you will. I used to be afraid to go over bridges. Like when I was like, so what I would do is I would drive over a bridge and as soon as I started driving over a big bridge, I would take my seat belt off and put all the windows down. So if it did fall into the water in my mind, I'm not strapped in and I could just jump out of the thing. And then as soon as I would get over the bridge, all the windows come up and

I'd strap back in. It's more OCD than anything else. I mean, I don't know. There's people that have been thrown from cars and lived. There's other people. There was a whole band. Everybody died, except the one guy was wearing a seatbelt. He had minor injuries in the whole fucking band died because they went

a van and it rolled. It's a bed MGM show everybody. It's a bed MGM show people were talking suicide, we're talking. What's your thanks here? 19 people. I think they said out of 2000 and some people that jumped over the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. 19 of them survived and all 19 that survived said as soon as they went over they were like, ah, fuck, I shouldn't be doing it. It's not that bad. Yeah, the guy was like,

broke every bone in his body and he said he like talked about on a documentary. He was like, as soon as I jumped, I was like, the fuck, dude. You know, dude you know what I'm just thinking of that as the wind starts whistling as you're picking up speed I still don't get how water turns into concrete after it's like it's not as it can't be as bad as concrete because you still go into it you know just like bounce now but dude a belly flop off of a dive-in board. Fucking hurts, man. So why can't you go and feet first, point your toes like Greg Lucanus?

Well, what's his name? David Blaine, David Blaine went on Conan years ago when Conan show was in New York. And I must have dressed your soul like just because the show's gone. But anyway, so he said to Conan, he's like, yeah, you know the way David Blaine talks, he goes, yeah, Conan.

Like, he like that shit. And he goes, if you actually jump off of like the Brooklyn bridge, because he wanted to jump off the Brooklyn bridge, he said, if you drop something first and it causes a little bit of a splash or ripple, you can go through that. So I'm thinking about, we're thinking about dropping something in front of me. And I'm going to jump off the Brooklyn bridge. And I remember Conan just going, you can go through that. So I'm thinking about, we're thinking about dropping something in front of me and I'm gonna jump out the Brooklyn Bridge and I remember calling and just going, why would you do that?

And everybody got really like a big laugh, but he never, he never ended up doing it because there's too much room for error. There's too much room for error there. I met that guy one time. Dave Blaine. Yeah. Hey Bill.

It's funny, he made it, he was doing like a trek and he was just like, what's your favorite card? I was just gonna like have, have we ever met, met if we ever met before it's like do just do you fucking trick all right. I know you don't really know you're not really magical. The fact that he felt that he also had to like distract me with his fucking bedroom voice was annoying to me because I'm just like I'm not gonna be able to figure out what you do. You throw cards and the fucking thing sticks to the other side of the window.

I don't know how you do that, but if you could actually, Paul, if you could actually do that, how quickly the CIA would pick you up and drive you to wherever they have the aliens? Yeah, that would be it. He was on Jimmy Fallon. He had the roots and Jimmy fell losing it because he goes, Jimmy, I want you to think

of an amphibian. And he goes, hold on. And he just starts drinking water and he spits up a frog. And everybody, I mean, the roots ran, everybody went nuts. And it's like, yeah, what he did was he had a frog sitting in his, he drank like five or six glasses of water. He had a frog sitting there, went up to the trick, regurgitated the frog into a thing. And everybody was like, you know, what if he said a lizard? What? What if he said a lizard? I know, but I think they're part of their thing is to lead you to say

when he went to Harrison, Fortusky goes Harrison, pick up fruit. It's like fucking big orange right there. I wonder where the card is. I know, and then he fucking takes the card out of it. He takes the card out of it and Harrison fork. Oh, you have to see Harrison. He was, get the fuck out of my house. Yeah, I don't understand why they get like,

it's just like, wow, that's him. I don't know when you did that. But it's like, it's the same trick where they can get you to pick the card here They just stick it in the fucking orange. I will tell you this to card tricks I kind of like because you know it's a trick But it's do Jimmy Schubert comedian Jimmy Schubert's a magician and we were in Vegas and dude He did fucking he fucked me up at one of those things., I took a card and then he showed me an Altoids container and he opened the Altoids container.

He never moved his hands. I saw everything he did and he had all these Altoids in the container and then he closed it and then he fucking opened it later and it was empty and it had the card in it. And I was like, that's a fucking cool trick. Now, I know it's a great trick, but that's a great trick. But when like David Gilbert's not magical, he is winning on stage, though. Nobody is.

That's what I'm saying, it's stupid. David Blaine did like a paper view and he was supposed to jump and it was a big fuck up the crane, drop them slow. There was a crane, like that bitmix building, they used for buildings and it was like hooked up to them and he went down slow and it just went to black and it was like, he's like, yeah, things didn't work out.

It's like, yeah, like walked on water, everyone went nuts and they found out that it was just a clear table on top of it. You can't walk on. No, no, that was Chris Angel. He was walking on water and people are like, oh, funny people. Swap.

I'm in this. I'm in this. Dude, I'm being honest. Oh my God. You win money, dude. Yeah, we went to that thing, dude. And I mean, listen, God bless him. We went to that Vegas show for Chris Angel,

that mind-free thing. You think Jesus was watching going, hey, hey, hey, he's fucking guy, that's bullshit. Dad, he's using a table. They got all stunt doubles and shit that look exactly like him. A big poofof and then they transport They teleport and he's there and was like how did you move from

All right, anyway, you know what time it is bill. It's time. Oh, I know time The Monday night special back up With some money for you Let the Monday night special win some money for you. Let the Monday night special. Win some fucking money for you. You know, Paul, I was thinking, what's a good bet is one and one team has a good defense,

meaning a great defense. Yeah. You know, they're gonna go bellic check. They're gonna take away their first option. So then if you're gonna guess touchdown, I kind of was thinking about that watching the chiefs because he threw that other guy, that 84. What are the hell is his name is?

Rex Reed, I don't know his name is, but I'm saying Patrick Mahomes, because they would double in Kelsey in the beginning, but Kelsey ended up breaking free and he still caught a touchdown, but I was thinking like, yeah, why wouldn't I think that they would double Kelsey and these would lead this, it's like, all right, you're going to beat us with the number two receiver.

I'm just saying, I think the number two receiver sometimes, if you got a good quarterback with a good offensive line, I get to good defense, you pick the number two receiver, because they're probably going to double the first guy. That's all I'm trying to say here, Paul. I agree. I think it's a nice theory. Oh, I'm glad you said that, because if you didn't, I was gonna kill myself. You don't got the balls.

All right, we got Vikings minus three and a half at home. That's what you open with that joke. You know, and then Thanksgiving, you know, you always got that one guess. You know, like I always threaten and a kill himself. Do that up and Brooklyn. All right, go ahead. Yeah. Go ahead Paul, go ahead.

I don't like the guests that you know, the family member, he's kind of like a distant one and you go, hey man, how you doing? How you been? And you got a glass of wine and you're happy for the holiday and they just go, that mess been all right, you know. It's like, I don't, I didn't really want

the real fucking thing. Dude. You know what would be great Paul, if you just walk away. Oh my God. And they'll know why and that won't be a fucking thing. Just walk away and then turn around, look at them and just laugh. That's great. Um, Paul, please do that this, just if it happens, just walk away.

Everybody listen into this. If you got that person and they go, well, you know, things have been, look, could be better. You know, it was a, a, it was a tough year. And it just, fucking, the voice changed, the voice. Yeah, you know, listen, dude, it's a total of what can you do? You're trying to figure it out. You just walk away.

Listen, Paul, I'm really happy for you. You have a beautiful family. Everything seems to be working out. I mean, unfortunately, I can't say the same thing for myself, you know, three months ago and you just fucking walk away. I came here to eat turkey and watch football. Now listen to the results of your fucking decisions. All right, guys, we got the Vikings at home.

You know, saying all right, guys, is actually sexist. you might want to think about that all right, let's go all right people Vikings are minus three and a half The under over is 30. I'm sorry 43 Dude the Vikings lost that hard breaker at the very end to Denver But still cover. Why the fuck, why the fuck are bears getting all this respect? Are they, are they playing now? They're starting to play a little better.

Three and a half Paul, the half, the half, the half. It's the name of this episode. Well, they lost last week. I think they were a better team and I like that kid Dobbs playing quarterback. I think the Vikings win the game by a touchdown. Let's take the Vikings. I think they're up by a touchdown and they're gonna fucking scare the shit out of us.

All right, let's do that. You wanna go over? You wanna do over 43 or no? Root for some points or nah. Fucking bears are anemic. Yeah. I don't believe in the bears until they win another Super Bowl. Well, you're the special guy, dude, because your specials are on.

Well, we've only won once this year. So let's let's go easy with the comp. Bob, Paul, I gotta tell you, I mean, I just spent a little tough time with the special. You know, yeah, I was just, you know, shit at my job. Well, you know, we hit like five of them in, you know, I don't, I don't know. Paul, what'd you go? What do you want? We hit like five of them in, you know, I don't, I don't know. Paul, where'd you go? What do you want?

What do you want to do? Do you want to do the stops? I will take, I don't know, man, it's like, I like that kid and stuff, but I mean, he's still learning that fucking, this is third offense, he's learning this year. Yeah, but he's good, he's a rocket scientist like legit. Well, great, he's good. He's a rocket scientist like legit. Well great. He's playing football Paul When I try to go to outer space I'm trying to get some fucking points here. He knows the playbook

Grand Kowski was not a rocket scientist. He was fucking an amazing football player. We're playing football here Yeah, that's great dude. That's a great joke when people football here. Yeah, that's great, dude. That's a great joke when people go, yeah, dude, that's a smart kid. Did you hear these like a scientist in the off season? How many scientists do you know can play football? So what do you want? We both like the Vikings to win the game by four or more, right? And what's the over under?

43. Let's go over, because everyone's gonna think it's gonna suck. All right, so we'll do Vikings and over, and we need one more. What's the over under that they bring up that he's actually a scientist before the second quarter? Can we bet on that? I would say definitely two times.

Let's take the over. I mean, you have to bet 900 to make a thousand. Paul, you picked the next thing. They got a decent running back. Vikings. Paul, he can hear me. I think Josh Dobbs throws one, dude. All right, good. He looked, he had that look when he walked off, when Russell Wilson beat him at the last minute. He had to look on his face of like, when he was saying like his congratulations to the other team, he had to look like, dude, I'm not happy.

I think he's gonna come out for all. He had that look like it doesn't compute. Like he was looking at a graduated cylinder of liquid. And the information there did not match what was on his paper. Yeah. Do you think he reads the playbook and he's so smart, he just goes,

next. What else? Do you remember, that was another dumb thing? Speed readers, that was another bullshit. I remember a guy doing it on the news. Oh no, what's happened? Oh God, and then,

oh, he was like reacting to what he was reading and just going like through. It's just like, you went out, you got the cliff notes. You stuck the aces spades in the orange before you went to fucking Harris and they made, come on. It's breaking and entering. And then you do a card trick, Paul. Yeah, because here's the reality, Bill. You can't make a card appear in fruit. Yeah, no one has that ability. Dude, I had people...

You bought the orange at a magic shop, you got to pay for it and then they tell you how to fucking do it. I talked to a magician who showed me, he's like, yeah, they cut it. If you notice when they cut it, it's not a full cut because it's already fucking cut. So they just go like this and they open it, it's ridiculous. And it's perfectly cut. Dude, I had a dumb guy go, dude, Chris Angel, dude, that could be Jesus dude.

But we were freaking out me and my wife, like he might, and I'm like, yeah, it's on TV, dude. It's a camera. You should have said to him, please tell me the two of you haven't made children. Yeah, I don't think they did either. Thank God. All right, so there we go. Wow, this has been a fun one people were loving the last one

They're gonna love this one this one with all this one was silly. Oh Paul. We went all over the road here We suicide fucking magic tricks. That's right. I have an over bridge And yeah, it Bruce Springsteen can I come I can't hear you? I can't hear you? I can't hear you. Paul, can you hear me? Can you? All right, I'm gonna wrap it up. I'll wrap it up, Paul.

I'll wrap it up. Hey, this has been the Anything Better podcast. And my gift to you is that look at confusion on Paul versus his face. He tries to figure out his audio. You hear me now? Yes, we're very thankful for all of you that have been watching the podcast.

We're so happy that we hit one special this year. We do really do take that seriously. I mean, I want to make our listeners money more than I mean, I don't give a fuck if I win a lose. I want them to win, you know? Yes, we love the specials. And this week, you got a possibility here. You got the Vikings doing my homecoming theory,

a good team losing on the road. They're coming on. They got to win by four. Joshi dobs, I don't know why I called them Joshi. Josh dobs is going to throw a touchdown. And you know what, we're going to root for some points. Let's get 44 points. And there you go.

So that's the Monday night special. and we hope from our families to yours You guys have a happy healthy Thanksgiving gamble responsibly throwing 10 bucks here 20 bucks there By the way the bed MGM app just throwing 10 they're gonna give you up to 200 good time to do it is thanks given Not bad catching a little scratch for Thanksgiving. You got three games By the way, how about this real quick before we get out of here? The NFL doing a black Friday jets dolphins game. I'm not gonna lie. It's nice to have four games this four week four days this week of football. I mean, they're trying to break up marriages. They're gonna fucking show three games on Thursday, right? Three games on Thursday. You said you were gonna cut the turkey.

Hey, I'm gonna circuit, right? And then they got the Black Friday game. Then you got Michigan and Ohio State on Saturday, all the rivalry games, Alabama, Auburn getting after it. I'm gonna cut it. Tell your mother. This is one of the greatest weekends ever

if you're not in a relationship. Wednesday night, you go down to the local place, all the hotties that you knew from high school, you chat them up, hey, maybe you get lucky, show up like a fucking idiot to somebody's thanks giving thing, you know, you got a bottle of booze, I'm saying if you're a younger, Paul, this is for younger people, right? Then you watch three fucking football games, Black Friday. of people, right? Then you watch three fucking football games, Black Friday. You know, you get to watch video of people getting trampled at a big box store. Then you get to watch a game. You got the college football rivalries. Then you got football Sunday and you got Monday. I mean, what else do these people want? I mean, it's all it is. And I get to you, they're

going to pass something in the Senate that they don't want us to see That's why they got all these games Paul bill bill ask me like ask me if I'm excited for this weekend Hey, man, you see all these games three three fucking on Thanksgiving and they even got one on a black Friday, man You got to be psyched right? Yeah, you know I guess. I got things at work going on, man. So it's just like... I'm gonna listen to this. That's how you do it this weekend. I swear to God, I don't give a fuck.

If your wife is saying something, because she'll laugh, that is just so fucking ridiculous. That's such a ridiculous move. I don't know where. Hey, can I talk to you for a second? Okay, come on, let's hear it. She's so funny. I'm gonna talk to you. I'm gonna talk to you. That's such a ridiculous move, I don't know where.

Hey, can I talk to you for a second? Okay, come on, let's hear it. She said really so to me, just fucking walk away. No, no. Tell me you put your dog down. And when she gets mad, just laugh. Don't engage, don't argue, just laugh. Why are you walking away from me?

Hey, you ever think maybe? You ever think maybe it's my Thanksgiving too. Yeah, and you know what? You know what's not women? You don't get along with each other. Well, yeah, you know what's underrated too that people don't utilize enough fill the look. Well, Paul's coming hard, I can feel this.

No, the look, you know, how about can't just people have the look me and Stacy have the look? Cause we sit across from each other. So I'm at the head No, the look. How about, can't just people have the look? Me and Stacy have the look, because we sit across from each other. So I'm at the head of the table here. She's at the head. Paul, you're in charge. Yeah, hey, it's my thing. So, like, everybody's lined up here, right?

Do you have all the people down the table? I'm at the head and Stacy's at the head. When somebody does something we don't like, you know what I mean, Stacy do? I just go like this. Sit. Let's go like this. Sit. Sit. Okay.

You know, that's it. And then you browse a lot. I browse gets you caught. Yeah, I browse. Yeah, you can't go eyebrows. I browse gets caught. This is what I, this is, this is, this is look. I'll give you a look.

Okay. Somebody says something fucked up. Say something fucked up, Paul. Go ahead. We're at the table eating. I tell you, dude, the problem really is to fall. These fucking migrants coming in, and that's what everybody's taking everybody's job or.

That's it. That's it. That's it. You just look up, you find your fucking friend, and you just hold it for a second and a half. It's just too long, and then you just look and they know Then what they do is this what they do then they got the napkin they're going like Because you know what it is too though Bill the person that says that they don't even realize that you could agree with what they're saying

It's just not the time dude It's not the time because everybody knows there's somebody at the table that doesn't agree dude I'm gonna say this. I know they're not gonna listen dude I was at the table at my Thanksgiving table once and dude, somebody at the table was talking about people that are like special needs and he kind of alluded to the fact, he wasn't a media family, but he just goes, yeah man, they should just have like an asylum for them, dude, they should just put it like a and dude, somebody goes, what? And then I, oh no. And my mother-in-law was like, what, sit, no, just no.

And he's like, no, but I'm saying, like if they had a place to go and she's gonna, please stop, dude, and I'm just eating my fucking cranberry sauce and it kind of diffused, but it was like, I mean, dude, just basically said, if somebody's going through that, they're special needs that she just have them in a place. And I'm like, dude, all right.

That's like lifetime, not invited. Because every year he's gonna say something stupid. Yeah, yeah. The look, your look was good. Hey, Bill, you're a good actor. I got a good look. I got a good look. You can't do eyebrows.

Eyebrows get your cot. Yeah. You can get caught in the middle of an eyebrow thing. Then you got to turn it into a yawn or a neck thing. If you do this, you got to be like, no, no, no, you talk about the food. Ooh, if you get caught, if you go like this, like I'll do it.

I'll go like if I get caught though. This is me getting caught. If you just go, you know, I have the worst athletes foot and I just, I was itching it right before I sat down. Dude, those potatoes. Those do it. That gravy.

How many you got? How many you got coming? We got 10 coming. You got more than 10? I don't know. I don't do the guest list. I invited a couple of buddies of mine. Can't go more than 15. I'm Thanksgiving. Just a number. That's the number to. Yeah.

Well, you got to have a couple of buddies to come over to offset. Yes. You know, whatever's going to be going on. So you guys can peel off and give us a listen. You know, I'd love to help, but I got to go. I got to end your call because I got to go. I got to end it. Yeah. All right, let's wrap this thing up. All right, guys, this was an extended one.

Thank you guys so much. Check it out. Download the app $10. Get you 200 regardless of Alice. Come on, come on of your of your bet. Enjoy bet responsibly. Happy Thanksgiving from our show to you guys, to our families to you guys. Enjoy football tomorrow, everybody. And we will see you next week for week 13 on the anything better podcast. Take care. And I want to hear from people that they walked away to nearer when heat. You got to be you got to walk away. You got to write into the show and let us know if you walked away from negative Nelly. Yep. I'm doing it. All right. I'm walking away. All right, guys, we'll see.

I have a big family and they're spread around multiple countries. So a few years ago, it was my brothers wedding and most of them decided to come. Great news, but a big problem. Where do you put eight people all with different requirements and keep them all together? We looked at some hotels, but then it was obvious, get an Airbnb. My mom and I were able to find the perfect place. It was a big house with multiple rooms and in a part of the city with woods and walking trails all around. The Airbnb also included a huge kitchen where we all got together the day after the wedding for a big family meal. This is a cherished memory for my family and me. And whenever I drive by that location, it always makes me smile.

Not long ago, my mum and I stopped by that area to walk around and remember one of the most special times for my family. Whether you're traveling with friends or with family for a big wedding or justification, get an Airbnb. family for a big wedding or justification get an Airbnb.