Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-26-15

Episode Date: November 28, 2015

Bill rambles about the history of Thanksgiving, bulimia, and dancing.

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You showed up in your dumb red blazers, right? Your big stupid hats. We hid behind rocks and trees like men, right? Picking you off. And Christmas addicts walked up. He said, I can't tell a lie. I'm the one who pissed in the gravy, right? And Benedict Arnold that cunt went up and he fucking slid him here.

Right? Then George Washington walked over to Thomas Jefferson. He said, hey, when you're done banging one of your slaves, why don't you help me kick the fucking British out of here? And Thomas said, okay, he put his fucking powder hat back on, right? They went out to the Potomac. George Washington standing up in the boat, you know, ignoring all rules. All the rules are rowing a fucking boat. Sit down, you douche.

You're fucking with the ballots. We get it. We get it. We're going to do the heavy lifting and you're going to take the credit because the guy on the bank doing the oil painting, he's going to take more time with you because you're standing up your fucking egomaniac. And what business is it of yours? Who fucking Thomas Jefferson fucks? Huh?

You ever think about that? George? What's the matter? You upset because your wife, Martha, has got some wooden teeth? And that's the story of Thanksgiving, everybody. What did it really have to do? It had to do with we were starving to death and then the Native Americans, one of their biggest blunders, taught us how to grow food over here.

They should have just let us die off, you know? How do it? You make corn if, yeah, I don't know. Just keep walking and let them freeze to death. Oh man, if they could go back in time, God damn it. I don't think there's a Native American on a casino in this country that would say, you know what, we fucked up when we showed old pale face how to fucking make some food. God damn it.

That's right up there. That's right up there with fucking Hitler not going into Paris, right? No, he went into Paris. That's right. Rather than driving the allies right out into the fucking ocean. He fucked up. He zigged when he should have zagged. Anyways, did you guys have a nice Thanksgiving?

Do you have a good time? Do you know I ate so much yesterday. I was so fucking full. I was that level full where standing up and sitting down, neither one was comfortable. So I had to keep switching and then leaning against stuff. And it's just really thick, like understanding bulimia going like, you know what, I think it would be great to just, you know,

walk behind a dumpster right now and let all of this out of me. Well, what was I doing? Oh my God, I fucking ate yesterday. Jesus fucking Christ. I ate so much yesterday that like I passed out at 9 15, not from booze or anything like that, just from my fucking body being like, all right, dude, we got to deal with this. We need to shut everything else down.

9 16. I remember that's the last time I saw and I woke up at like four in the morning, not even remotely hungry. I went on a hike with my dog this morning. We would hike for like about five, six miles. I came back. I still wasn't hungry. I just ate because that's what you're supposed to do in the morning.

And I got halfway through my breakfast and the pain in my stomach come came back like, dude, we're still, we're still dealing with what the fuck you did yesterday. I hope you're happy. I hope you're proud of yourself. Um, Jesus Christ. I, uh, yeah, I fucking, I ate me and me and made, uh, obviously turkey stuffing, mashed potatoes, uh, mac and cheese, collard greens, pies, cranberry sauce fucking. Oh, and I had a heaping fucking helping of all of it.

And I was drinking light beer from Miller all day. Never had any hard stuff. Never really got fucked up. I think I had a glass of wine and then we went over, uh, Nia's sisters. That's how we ended it. And I had that one last piece of pie and then that was fucking, that was it. That was it. And I haven't felt right since.

Um, but anyways, to start the day yesterday, I did do a nice five mile hike, 100 pushups, 45 dips, right? It's just, it's not even fucking, it's not fucking. I mean, well, you eat the way I just ate. I don't give a fuck if I put on some weight, but I'm, I'm, I am back on it. All right. I like today. Yeah, fuck you.

I was doing so well. Why did it have to be Thanksgiving? My favorite fucking holiday. Um, anyways, you guys watch the football. Did you sit around and watch dude? How fucked up is it? How fucked up is it? Okay.

That the programming on Thanksgiving, they have three NFL football games. All right. Thanksgiving football. It all, it all goes together. The Cowboys and the Lions have been playing on Thanksgiving since, I don't know why. Cowboys at least since the 1960s. I would think in the Lions, Jesus Christ, who knows how far back they played. Right.

They're a goddamn tradition. Somewhere along the fucking line, these, these fucking assholes, they show the Macy Day Parade and the Westminster dog show at the same fucking time as the football zone. It's almost like they're trying to cause fights. You know, guess what my wife likes to watch? She can't get enough of that Macy Day Parade. She absolutely loves it. And every fucking year I forget, I got to get home by nine in the morning out here.

Cause that goddamn parades already can be on. And the first game starts at noon Eastern time, nine my time, every fucking year, not with the dog. And I'm thinking, I'm coming home. I'm going to make myself a couple of eggs over age, right? And then I'm going to sit down and I'm going to watch the football game and every fucking year I come home, you know, kill it off. He actually got the fucking double float in the goddamn parade is already on.

My wife is in some ridiculously, I love the holidays mood. So I can't change the fucking channel, right? So this is the first time in my life where I've actually had more than one TV. So I went downstairs this year and I'm thinking, oh great, I'll fucking record the thing. But what does she do? Honey, where are you? Come upstairs. Come upstairs.

Let's, let's enjoy the holiday together. And I'm like, well, I want to watch the football. She goes, you know, and she just pow. Yeah. Fuck it's next thing. You know, you're upstairs, right? And people are doing that stupid, you know, fucking dance. I can't stand.

I absolutely fucking hate it is that thing where there's a couple, right? They always do this on dancing with the stars. When they're, the two of them are coming towards the camera, towards the audience, like they're doing that cha-cha-cha thing, right? They're not quite cheek to cheek, but they're facing one another. And as they're walking towards you, they keep switching their legs, twisting them, you know? Like one, two, three on this side and then one, two, three on the other side and one, two, three. They sit there with this ridiculous smile on your face, like you're supposed to be impressed.

It's that fucking NFL thing where you run through the tires sideways kind of thing or whatever the fuck it is. It's one of those things, except they're dancing. It never goes with the music. It's just supposed to be visually exciting, I guess, even though we've all seen it a thousand fucking times. If anybody who's listening to my podcast indulges in the world of dance and can tell me what that fucking dance move is and then can tell me the head of the union of the dance board, if I could write a fucking letter or send an email requesting that that dance be, you know,

why don't we just take, you can't watch a dance competition where somebody doesn't do that and everybody thinks it's fucking amazing. That and dipping somebody while they dance. Everybody, the crowd always goes like it's the greatest fucking thing ever. What is that stupid fucking move called? You know that thing I'm talking about? Like it's like the exorcist, you know, when the head spins around, but you're doing it with the bottom part of your body.

Like your torso from your waist up is still facing your partner, right? And your legs are underneath you normally. And now it's like, oh, wow, does she have a double jointed spine? They're going the other way. I don't know somebody please send me a video that and then I'll retweet it and then I'll say what the fuck it is. And by the way, the pie video pie crust video is coming. I was just going to shoot it on my iPhone and my buddy who helps me out the podcast.

He goes, dude, if we're going to do it, let's do it right. We'll shoot it right. So he gets back today. So I will be making a pie crust video for all you fucking Christmas cunts out there. But anyways, I hope you guys all had a nice day. Despite the fact that I fucking overate. I overate the way like, you know, when you drink so much, you don't have a good time. You know, you start getting the bedspins, you know, in the bar, like that type of shit,

like I ate to that level. And I'd like to say I'm disgusted with myself, but it tasted so fucking good. I'm not. So anyway, seriously, I hope you guys all had a happy Thanksgiving. I had a wonderful one and this was the best year of my life, both personally and professionally. I don't know. I just keep having more fun every goddamn year. It's been working out good for me.

You know, it's kind of weird as the planet is slowly dying. I just seem to be having more fun with each year. You think with the polar ice caps fucking melting and the oceans being fished out that they would affect my mood. I think, you know, what really has helped me to stay positive is I feel like it's inevitable that we're going to destroy ourselves. So once you just sort of give into that and you're like, well, it's nothing I could fucking do about it. You know, next thing you know, you're, you know, you're having a little pony ride. You're getting on the Ferris wheel. You know, you're like, well, you know, I'm gonna have some fun.

I'm gonna have as much fun as I can have before we fuck this whole thing up. And even if we don't, I mean, every once in a while, you know, an asteroid's got to come by every couple of fucking zillion years, right? I don't want to piss anybody off here like Google did with their Lucy thing, which I'd never even heard of. I guess they found these fucking bones in Ethiopia. It was sort of a half ape, half human. It looked like an ape, but like somebody you could talk to at the same time, you know, the way they fleshed it out. Like it didn't look like the fucking like chimpanzees that we all know now eat other monkeys and rip people's faces off. If you want to know more about that, listen, I did an episode of the Joe Rogan experience to promote efforts for family.

Joe Rogan saw the clip of the show and he invited me on the show, which is, you know, twice Joe Rogan is the fucking best. So anyways, we talked about that and Joe told me some fucking horrific story about how this footage of chimpanzees, you know, we always thought they ate bananas, but they like eat other monkeys and they don't really kill them. They just start eating them. It's fucking as the other monkey screams in fucking pain. They just sort of sit there, you know, sadistic motherfuckers. Anyways, what the fuck am I talking about? I'm talking about Lucy, right?

I guess that looks like an ape, but you feel like you could talk to it. And so they did this little creationism, I guess. Is it creationism? No, not creation. Those are the God people. They did the more, you know, we came from the mud and then we were apes thing with their drawing. Am I explaining this even remotely right? You know, when you go on Google, right?

And every day they got something like if it's Albert Einstein's birthday, they'll spell out Google with like a fucking white afro or some shit. They did something for, you know, who is Lucy or whatever. And they made it like there was a monkey on all fours and then an ape kind of walking on two legs upright and then a man. And it said, yes, they Google used one of its signature doodles to commemorate the 41st anniversary of the discovery of Lucy, the name of a collection of fossils, you know, the fucking ape that you feel like you could talk to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It was a significant moment for our understanding of evolution, but many creationists weren't happy about Google promoting the theory of evolution on their homepage. So here's some of the tweets somebody wrote, and before any hashtag fossils once lived, God created the heavens and the earth.

Genesis 1.1, please remove Lucy from my homepage. For the life of me, I don't understand why people who are into creationism get upset by this stuff like it doesn't make any sense. You know, what do you give a fuck what these guys think? Another one since Allah, parentheses, God and creation have much proofs than evolution. I expect to see something about it on your homepage. This is the one that I actually liked pushing your beliefs on others. Are you Google? Isn't that what you godless folks object to about Christians?

That's a fucking grape. Give it up for Jim Jensen, everybody. That's a great one. Because when you be upset, if they fucking, I don't know, all these fucking open-minded people who do who want to go with like, you know, the scientific, you know, proof of how we got here, which is, you know, we're never going to figure it out. This is the thing, we're never going to figure this shit out. Because even these people, because like the people who are into God, right, who believe in God, no matter how far back science goes, it's going to be like, oh yeah, see, we're a bunch of amoebas in the ocean. Then they just go, well, who created the amoebas, man?

And no matter how far back you go, you go, well, who, they go, well, who created that? Right? Never addressing the fact that their Adam and Eve thing doesn't, as far as what we found in the ground, you know, and how old the bones are and what they say in the Bible when Adam and Eve lived and all this bullshit. It doesn't even add up. So then all they do is just, no matter what science comes up with, they go, well, who came up with that, man? But can't you do that to the God people? Be like, all right, so before there was anything, there was God. Okay, and where did he, where was he?

If there wasn't anything, where was he? And who created that? And who created him? He was just here. It doesn't make it, none of it makes any fucking sense, and I don't think we're supposed to understand it. We're supposed to continue to move forward, try to get bigger TVs and destroy one another. That is our destiny. All right, and some people got upset saying that they felt that Google was saying that they were monkeys.

All right, haha, are we from monkey? You believe it? I don't. I like how they deliberately take the ones that are misspelled. First generation should be from Adam and Eve, not bullshit monkey. The world is on fire, and the moron bubble dwellers at Google just help their godless agenda, libtards. I love godless. That's so fucking, that's a fucking great description.

All right, then, okay, here's what people got pissed off that Google was implying that they were monkeys. All right, this person writes, I'm not a fucking monkey. Maybe white people came from monkeys, but colored people been native to this planet. All right, so your homepage is saying all humans came from monkeys. You have no proof, just a made up theory to avoid the truth of creation. How funny is that? As opposed to you, what, your book that thought the world was flat? I might be bugging, but is it just me or did Google mock the black race by making a monkey revolve, revolve into a man?

That's not cool at all. First of all, it's evolved, and also the man in the photo is white. I think I have no fucking idea. I just, I don't know, I just find it interesting that people get that fucking pissed off. You know what I mean? It's like, why do you give, why do you give a fuck? What other people think? It's not like they get, oh, I guess maybe because it's a control thing.

I don't know. I don't, I don't, I don't see it. I don't see it at all. I don't give a shit, right? Is that dumb? Is that, is that my hypocrite? Am I going to be in the River Hades or whatever the fuck they talk about? It's another Black Friday, everybody.

Black Friday, where people who have absolutely no respect for themselves and their own fucking well-being go down to a fucking store to find three BB guns that have been marked down 80% while everything else is the exact same fucking price. People, I say this every year. You're better than this. Have a little bit of fucking respect for yourselves. All right? Why don't you stay home today? Stay home.

Chill out, you know? Rest of your Thanksgiving weekend. You know, and then next, next week. How about Monday night after work? Why don't you just waltz into the store? Step over the dried blood on the floor from last Friday. Just step over that. Walk in there and just buy something that you can afford.

You know, there's no shame in it. There's no shame in being fucking like having money problems. You don't have to get hurt over it. Just fucking buy something that you can afford. And that's it. It's just shit. It's stuff like that fucking TV that they're saying used to be a thousand. Now it's only 40 bucks.

You're going to go in there and do like fucking, you know, five grand with the damage to your limbs trying to get to the thing. And then for what? It's a flat screen TV. It's like we were shit fucking two years. Two years is probably not even worthwhile. Maybe it's worth 40 bucks. I don't know. Here's my thing.

There's a fucking line in pushing and shoving. I've always just said, you know what? Fuck that. Occasionally I fucked up. Occasionally I've gone down to like, you know, I don't know, pinks, hot dogs. I'm fucking La Brea and stood in that line for 90 minutes to get a fucking hot dog that just tasted like a hot dog. And I was like, yeah, there you go, Bill. What'd you learn?

Huh? What'd you learn? I'm trying to think what would be worth. I don't know. The planet's going to explode in fucking two hours. And then there's a 90 minute line. I would stand in that. But then I'm also thinking like, all right.

So then we're going to be up there in what outer space. Right. It's like 90% fucking men, you know, one black chick up there. Was there any other fucking women on Star Trek? Is that why Kirk always laying? Am I doing hacky material from the 80s? Is that why Kirk landed and fucking was so horny every place he went? Fucking them green bitches.

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You're sticking this stocking stuff up. You know what? You get your loved one, a couple of tickets to the fourth annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit. January 26th. That's a Tuesday at seven o'clock at the city center in New York City. This has become an annual event. It's one of my favorite things to do. It's a tribute of one of my great friends I ever had in life.

And the funniest goddamn comedian I ever saw live, Patrice O'Neill. Still can't believe it. It's been, Jesus, what did he die? November 29th, 2011. What was it, the 28th? Sometime right around here. It was four years ago. So we do the benefit to keep his name out there.

And we also do the benefit to financially help out the people that he was taking care of when he was living. And it's the greatest thing ever because I'm so proud of that benefit because I feel like all of his friends stepped up. And I think if he was around and see what we were doing for him, I think it would be the one time he would actually not trash us at least for like 30 seconds before he did. So it makes a great stocking stuffer. And you're helping out the friends and family of the greatest comic that I ever saw. All right, it's January 26th.

That's a Tuesday at the city center. I will be posting the link. We are already halfway sold out. These tickets always go quickly. A couple of clicks and you could take care of somebody for Christmas. And that's one less thing you got to worry about. And you don't have to get tackled in a fucking department store. Look at these goddamn people.

Jesus Christ, just grabbing at some big fucking TV, bursting through. I don't know legally how they're allowed to do this. Like every year somebody gets fucking hurt. It's like, how is this not inciting a riot? Black Friday on sale from 8th to Friday, November 28th, some sort of fucking TV. Everybody with their big winter coats. Look at this guy. Fucking three adults just completely losing their fucking composure.

And then I love the TV cameras. They're sitting there laughing, watching all these fucking people. It seems a little less violence. You guys see the video clip of the woman just, she's clinging to a flat screen TV as somebody else drags it down the aisle. She's got like, what the fuck are you doing? What are you doing? Oh, they hoard it up here.

Cheerleaders keep crowds going at the Wembley store in North London. Oh my God, this is England. I love it. They bought into it too. Oh, that's tremendous. That's fucking tremendous. Just when you think we can't get any dumber, old fucking London comes in to fucking save our ass.

Little Tykes Playhouse. At least he went there and got something for his kid. I don't know. I don't fucking get it. Anyways, it's not worth it. Do you know the other day I was looking at cars, right? My wife needs a new car and I went in and I looked at the car and as I was getting out of the car, another buyer comes along.

He goes, what'd you think of this? I said, what the fuck did I think of it? None of your fucking business what I thought of it. The salesman's right here. If I think of something about it, I got to negotiate. I'm not going to tell you that I like it. And then he gets in the car to go fucking test drive it. So then the fucking salesman's going, well, you know,

so what are we doing here? It's like, I don't know. What are we doing here? All right, that cunt just drove away in it. So now what? Now what? I'm going to fucking bid on the car against this fucking guy. Sell it to him.

Sir, my friend, my friend. Yeah, go fuck yourself. That was the end of the day. I don't do that shit. Let's start competing with this guy. I honestly, I just don't give a shit. I don't give a fuck, right? Am I nuts like that?

Am I crazy? Is that, is that insensitive? At some point, I'll figure it out. I never know how to do that shit anyways. So anyways, let's plow ahead here. I'm sitting here babbling. All right, the fucking Patriots beat the goddamn buffalo bills, swept their asses for the year, which I love,

not because I wish any fucking ill will on them. They're fucking fans were talking so much goddamn shit to me. All right, fucking Rex Ryan's always talking shit. It's always nice that they got the old right there, Fred. Fucking twice this year. So they can shut their fucking wing eating faces for another goddamn year. All right, having said that, I still think Rex is a great coach. He just needs a quarterback and they got a hell of a defense.

They got a hell of a defense, but it was fun watching them all talk. All the bills fans tweeting at me, giving me all this fucking shit in the first half. And then they just slowly go away. Listen to this. I got overeating hiccups in the morning. How pathetic is this? This is like leftover from yesterday. And my fucking Boston Bruins.

They got a nice little three game winning street. They got the Rangers today, which is obviously will be a tough game, but I'm psyched that, you know, hopefully they're starting to turn it around here. I don't know. We'll see what they do with the trade deadline. Maybe they'll pick up somebody who knows. Maybe a draft pick will turn into something. I don't know.

I have no idea. So I think I'm going to go to the auto show today. I'm going to go down there and see what the fuck's going on because I don't like, I don't like fucking, I don't like salesman, car salesman. You barely get on the lot. The same thing, like when you walk into a fucking store, a second you walk into the store, hey, how are you? What can I do you for?

You know, I like those ones you walk in and they go, hey, how are you? Let me know if you need anything that I'm like, all right, I can relax now and I'm probably going to buy something. Anything you're looking for in particular. Yeah, I'm looking for you to fuck off while I'm an adult. If I see something that I like, I will take it off and I will try it on and I will make my decision. I don't need you to fucking sort of grease the pipes here.

All right. So why don't you and your little fucking Michael J. Fox outfit? Alex P. Keaton, I mean, outfit. Why don't you guys, when she was fuck off, why don't I ever have the nerve to say that? You know, I just don't. I'm too fucking polite. Can I help you?

Yeah, you know, you could help me. You could just leave me alone until I find what I want. Like, how do you say that nicely? Yeah, some woman said something to me the other day in a fucking store and I wanted to say something back to her, but I was just like, that would just be too fucking rude and I didn't say it. Why don't, why don't I say it? Wait, I'm smart enough to, I'm smart.

Not like everybody says. I just got to be away from me to figure out how to say that nicely. Can I help you? Yeah, you could help me. Could you, I like being left alone and then I'll find what I want and then I go up and buy it. Is that cool? You fucking cunt.

Ah, let's work on some scenarios. Excuse me, sir, can I help you? That's too aggressive. Dial it back. Can I help you? No. No, you can't. I don't need any help.

If I need help, I'll ask you, sir, please. Was that polite? That gives a shit. Right. Can I help you? No. No, you can't help me. Yeah, you can help me.

Can you fucking take a price tag off of something a lot cheaper and put it on the thing I want? Can you do that? Well, yeah, you can't help me. I'll yell if I want to. It's my fucking time and I'll yell if I want to. All right, that's it. That's the fucking post Thanksgiving Thursday afternoon podcast.

I know I was a bit all over the place. Oh, I didn't even talk about any of the fucking games I watched yesterday. Who's the first game? The Lions beat the shit out of the fucking Eagles. Good, good Lord. Not really to talk about there. It was just a one-sided affair. You know what's funny?

Verzi picked Sanchez. He always believed in Sanchez. He bought into that Sanchez shit. And I bought into, what's his face? The other guy there, when he played on St. Louis, the guy from Oklahoma, and I can't remember his fucking name. He looks like Keanu Reeves if he was smart. What is his fucking name?

Jesus Christ. The fuck's the guy's name? I don't know. Who the fuck knows? And they both ended up on the same goddamn team. I gotta tell you though, Sanchez isn't as bad as everybody says. He isn't. But also, he's not a franchise player.

Oh, really, Bill? Did you figure that out? What, ten years into his fucking career? All right. Plowing ahead. Then the next game was what? That was the Cowboys versus the Panthers? How great is the Panthers defense look?

Jesus Christ. And I felt bad for Tony Romo. Good Lord. Good Lord. Throwing right back into the fucking fires. I still like that guy. I know a lot of people don't. But I gotta tell you, man, throwing two picked sixes in the same fucking quarter.

I can't remember the last time I saw that. I think you got to go back to like Neal O'Donnell. Then he gets slammed. He fucking breaks his goddamn collarbone again. What a brutal fucking season for the Cowboys. I was rooting really hard for those guys. I was kind of hoping that I was going to see Romo come back. And he'd win the remaining like five games of the year or whatever.

Or all the rest of the game. Oh, they were two and seven, right? Yeah. So when the remaining seven games of the year, they go nine and seven. Make the fucking playoffs. I'll tell you what fucking kills me because you guys know I never want to see Eli again in the playoffs. Eli fades back to pass. Loses both of his shoes and his helmet.

He fumbles the ball. It goes to the end zone. The other team goes to recover and it squirts out. Lends back and Eli's hand. He throws the ball without looking. Touchdown Giants. I've never seen anything like it. I don't ever want to play that guy again.

Ever play him again. But what's killing me is the Giants record, they should be in last or second to last place. They were in like first place at like five and five, aren't they? Like, I think seven and nine could win that division. The history of football has a losing record ever won a division. That's my question for you guys. I remember years ago, the San Diego Chargers, like two years in a row, they were eight and eight and nine and seven and they won the AFC West and then went into Indianapolis and beat the Colts at home, by the way. All right.

For all you creationists who still believe in fucking Peyton Manning over Tom Brady, huh? Yeah, they're five and five and they're like in first place or tied for first place because everybody in that division is having such a shit fucking year. And the thing about the Giants is they have enough weapons. They got the coach and they got the quarterback that even though they'll be fucking seven and nine or eight and eight and win that division, you know, everybody's zero and zero and they get to the playoffs and I just, I just got this weird fucking feeling. But I got to tell you this. So if they have to go down to, no, I even think they could do that. I think they could go into Carolina. I think they could beat the Panthers because they know how to fucking win and the Panthers are still really young.

You know, you can tell they're young every time they make a play. They're talking shit. They're jumping around. They're ripping that fucking jerseys open like this Superman. That's that's all young people shit. You know, oh, this is what we do to play. Yeah, let's jump around. Instead of just walking back to the fucking huddle.

Oh God, I'm such an old cunt. Anyways, I hope you guys have a wonderful rest of your weekend. I'm really excited about tomorrow. That's obviously the big rivalry days. And if you're, if you ever wanted to get into college football, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, you got to do it. You got USC, UCLA, you got the fucking Alabama Auburn, you got Michigan, Ohio State. Why don't you start Michigan, Ohio State, do Auburn, Alabama and UCLA, USC, even though I don't know how good a good a game. That's going to be this year.

But, um, oh man, if fucking Jim Harbaugh leads fucking Michigan in and fucking beats the Buckeyes, holy shit. Holy shit, your baby whale man. Dude, people will fucking, they will lose their goddamn minds. They will lose their fucking minds. What a fucking job he did. Like how much of a cunt could that guy have been that the 49ers got rid of him? I just don't, I don't get it. That guy is fucking, he's unbelievable.

He restored the 49ers. They went to a fucking, they went to a fucking Super Bowl. They didn't win it, but geez, I just don't fucking understand. For the life of me, I don't understand why they got rid of that guy. I also understand that he is out of his fucking mind, but he wins. So who gives a shit, right? My nuts, I don't know. That's it.

All right, whatever. I'm all over the, I'm still full of food and shit and all that type of stuff. All right, that's the podcast. I hope you guys enjoyed the rest of your weekend and please enjoy the, the throwback, the last half hour where we take some greatest hits, some clips from a yesteryear and a Monday, a long time ago. All right, back when apes walk the earth upright, you felt like you could talk to them, but you couldn't. You know what I mean? Lucy, Lucy over here.

What's going on? God damn it, you stink. All right, I'll see you. Sexting. Sexting. All right. This isn't really, well, this is about this guy. He, remember, I told you that story about that dude. He worked for some corporations.

C.A. Cubicles. All right. And I'm sure he's on some sort of team and everybody has to do some sort of song before they go in there. Like those poor kids. Morale building exercises. Yeah. Like those people who work at the Cold Stone Creamery. You ever see them with like making like the goddamn ice cream going, hi ho, hi ho.

It's off to work. I just, that like the part of me dies when I see that. When I just see people like, it's like basically watching someone work in like an ice cream death camp when I'm in there. None of them are happy. None of them dreamed of doing that. Ice cream death camp. Maybe, maybe if you're like a fatty, you know, when you got a job at an ice cream store, kind of like a pedophile getting a job at like a Cub Scout camp. Wow.

You know, isn't that where they always end up? I love working with kids. You know, I said that last week, follow your dreams unless you're a pedophile. Yeah. Right. So using that, I shouldn't say that I have a problem with faties working in the ice cream store. Let's, let's, let's get to this shit. So anyways, so they're going to get everybody in shape.

So they hire some sort of personal trainer and he's training everybody. All right. And what he does is he gets everybody's emails. Right. Great move on this guy's part. Fucking great move. Now he doesn't have to deal with them face to face. And if there's any fucking hotties he wants to bang, he can take it to the next level.

Perfect. Yeah. That's how you do it. Shooting fish in a fucking barrel or fishing barrels in a shooting gallery. So anyways, so all of a sudden this guy notices that, you know, he gets one text going, hey Brad, you know, just do a couple more jumping jacks and you should be fine. For some reason his little hottie wife has to get like 40 fucking texts from this guy at like 1130 at night. Oh, I do remember this.

Yeah. He and his wife work at the same place. Obviously. Yeah. That's interesting. I work at the same place. Right. So he fucking, he finds out about, he keeps asking his wife.

Okay. All right. Well, I'm going to recap for people to listen last week. All right. So he keeps asking his, he keeps catching his wife late at night texting going and he goes, who are you texting? And she would immediately slam the phone shut because she's got a flip phone evidently and would say nobody or would get mad and say nobody.

Right. So this guy's not a moron. He figures out something's up. Sure. He's in, he's into some sort of fucking spy gate shit where he's at. He hacks into her thing, gets her password and sees that all these text messages back and forth the trainer. So what does he do?

He's a goddamn man. Does he slap his fucking wife around? No. He goes right to the trainer and says, hey sport. No. Cause you get sued. You get sued for that now. You get sued for kicking somebody's ass when you're right.

Yeah. You go, he goes, hey sport. Why don't you do me a favor and stop texting my fucking wife in all hours of the night. So then a sport over there immediately starts acting like a bitch around him starts acting overly nice. Like, you know, what all guilty people do is innocent. He would have gotten mad. Sure.

Be like, dude, what the fuck are you talking about? I always text people about how to get, make their core stronger at two in the morning. I'm dedicated. Maybe you should be inspired by what I'm doing. I specifically am interested in women having a strong core because they're so beaten down in society. You know, he would have come back with some shit like that, but he didn't. Now he's all like, Hey man, how are you with this hole?

Please don't beat the shit out of me and expose me for being the dirtbag I am. So I lose this giant money making client here, right? So anyways, she denies the whole fucking thing. So he sent a couple of, actually a couple of texts that this girl wrote. They were talking about the Beatles and he writes all those damn Beatles songs make my stomach hurt when I listen to them because it reminds me of getting ready to go see you. They give me anxiety. This is what the trainer is writing to this guy's wife.

What sort of exercise are they talking about there? Is that a, what is that, is that push-ups? So then she writes back, all the lonely people, where do they all belong, right? And then he said, I remember you asking me if I related to that song, if I related that song to you because I thought you were lonely. It's talking about a fucking marriage. Yeah. Oh, this guy.

This guy's a dirtbag. It's the classic guy. It's the classic. I love him. It's the classic. He listens to me. Yeah. Oh, this guy, he's just saying everything.

He listens to me. We talk about music. Yeah. My feelings. Oh, yeah. My husband doesn't do that. Right. And what it is, is his dick is downloading all the knowledge in this guy's brain that

he has about human beings. And he's just given her, and the dick is basically sitting in the Captain Kirk chair. He's just fucking anything she wants to hear. So anyways, then he write, another one, he said, I know fuck my life. I wear my fuck my life to sleep and I have a confession to make. I also wear your panties. She goes, LOL, shut up. He writes, it's true.

So I don't know what kind of fucking shit this guy's into, but the real question is not whether or not that that's socially acceptable. The real question is, how did he get this married woman's panties? He at least finger blaster. Would you go with me on that? I mean, if, I mean, maybe he's just saying that to be just like controversial. That's what I thought, but she goes, LOL, shut up. He goes, it's true.

Yeah. But he just still may be talking to the mic. Oh, he may just still be joking around. But if he is wearing, but if he is, she gave it to him. How else would he have them? And they're talking about the Beatles and shit. He gave it to him. If it's true.

Okay. Okay. So that's basically what I'm saying. So he's fucking, he's got a fucking panties that both adults, I'm guessing by this, she's like in her thirties. What is he doing? Fingering her and taking her out for a malt. He's banging her.

He fucking banged her. This fucking piece of shit who'd be a great movie kid. He's a great character for a fucking movie. So anyways, he said, and that's what he said. His wife, she's still denying this whole conversation ever happened. She's just incomplete. Obviously denial. She's in denial.

He said, I'm dumping her. Not for the reminiscing talk, but for, but for lying to me. He's not interested in trying to, please say that, and I swear to God, I'm gonna throw my computer. I will throw this fucking computer at you. Are you fucking? He's not interested in what? I don't know.

Working it out. Don't throw it at me. No, no, no. Go ahead. I'm not just gonna leave you in dead silence. Go ahead. Tell me. No, no, no, no, no.

I just, I don't know. No, he's well within his right. I was just posing a question. That's all. Well within his right. I don't understand why she doesn't just fess up then. All right. That's a whole nother topic.

That's a whole nother topic. I mean, what? I just feel like, no, you know what it is. I feel like some things. I feel like part of the story is missing. No, I feel like part of the story is missing or something. What? The video of them fucking?

Is that what's missing? What else is missing? If he's like, hey, if you start blaming him for not paying attention and that's why she's fucking this guy, I will, I will fucking throw you out of this room. All right. I'm not to calm down. That's not what I'm doing. I'm just saying.

So he says to her, are you cheating on, are you fucking this guy? And she's like, no, shut up. What are you talking about? Like, and she just flat out denied. And I don't understand how she can flat out deny something as hard. She's a piece of shit. That's why I'm saying that she's a lying piece of shit. Nia.

Yeah. But if you have something and you're like looking at it, like this is what you wrote, how are you denying it? Because she just, just that's what denial is. You're totally in denial. I don't have a drinking problem as you fucking drinking on Nyquil. I think it tastes good. I don't have a problem.

Right. Yeah. I like sleeping. You know? Yeah. You know what it is? I'm just making sure you keep speaking to the mic. This is what you keep doing.

I want people to hear what you have to say. Oh, okay. All right. All right. But this is good shit. And I'm ruining it. No. You're saying it off.

Mike. Good fucking Lord. You know what kills me is he was still like, it's just, I don't know, I'm going to piss you off right now. You ladies will defend. Why? Because you guys defend each other. Like right there.

I did that. I'm not defending her. Well, let me, can I get up my when I'm going to say if a guy did that shit, you'd be like dump his ass girl. He's a fucking loser. You can do better than that. Call me. We'll eat a little moon pie.

I'll build you up. That's what the fuck you would have done. But because yeah, I just feel like some part of the story is missing. What is missing? I guess nothing. Thank you, Nia. Thank you for being on the podcast. Yeah.

Is that what you wanted? You just want me to come on and agree with you. A good fucking 20 minutes. Yeah. Not agree with me. Agree with the decision this guy made. This isn't about me, Nia. Please.

Okay. I'm just a messenger here. Sure. You know, I'm just trying to do, I'm just trying to do what's right out here. Because it's very clear what's happening and you got someone who's just like, I don't know what you're talking about. All right. Here's the deal.

Man or woman. If the person you're with is texting past, I would even, for regular people who aren't in show business. The booty hour starts after 11, I would say. Yeah. Okay. But that's, but that's what somebody you're already fucking. Okay.

I know you don't understand it because you don't have to talk yourself into it. Guys, we have to spin the plates from the second we meet her all the way through. So you got to be setting it up. Okay. You know, 730 is too creepy and stalker-ish. And I would say you start going past 930. She's going to feel like, like you just, she's some sort of tramp. But if you haven't fucked her yet, right?

So you got to, there's that, there's that window, about 815 to about 907. You have to do the setup text. Okay. And the setup text is not talking about pussy. It's go, oh, you know, I'm, I'm watching blah, blah, blah on TV. So-and-so is so ridiculous. I'm sort of fucking just to get it going. You know what I mean?

Right. Yeah. That seems very benign. Yeah. Like a boxer. You feel him out in the first round. Or the Beatles. Yeah.

Right. This fucking guy, this fucking guy, this guy, you know, something as much of a piece of shit as that guy is. If he writes a book, I would read it in a second. Why? Because, you know, he's got great, I mean, the position he has, that's like when I used to take, I used to take that, uh, that yoga class when I was out here and there was that guy out in Santa Monica and he was a phenomenal fucking teacher and this place was jam-packed

and it was by donation only. So then for tax purposes, I think he falls under a church. I know it helped him with taxes and it's all in cash. So it's all good. All right. And then the hottest fucking women, some of the hottest women ever move out to LA to become actresses. Okay.

He's got him in his class getting all, getting them all stretched out before he bangs them. It was one of the greatest. It was, it was fucking airtight. Yeah. And he would go around the class and somehow me having never touched my toes since I was in the womb was somehow always doing every position correctly, yet all these other hotties always needed to be adjusted. Right around the, so as, um, so I don't get mad at a guy who's got a good thing, but you

know, stay away from the fucking married ladies. Oh, I know what I wanted to talk about. How about a moment of silence for another two, for the next two great men who are about ready to be sliced in half by their fucking ex-wives? How about a moment of silent for Kobe Bryant, that fucking warrior, okay, who had an injury to his fucking right hand that would have kept most people out for half a season. He didn't even miss a fucking game. Showed up hitting all kinds of big shots, an absolute fucking warrior.

He is about ready to have to fork over $190 million to his fucking ex-wife. And I'm going to talk to all the fucking women right now who are going, that's right. That's right. This is what I want from you guys this week. All right. I want you to justify the fucking divorce laws in this country. I want you to justify them. I want you to tell me why she deserves $190 million.

I want you to justify it. Don't just go, well, that's, because that's the law. It's what the law says, so there you go. I don't want that. I want you to justify it. Like if I asked you why is murder illegal, you wouldn't be like, well, that's the law. That's what it says, so that's what you do. You'd be like, because life is the most precious thing on this planet, and everything has the

right to be alive, and you need to respect that, you only get one life, and for someone to take your life is the worst thing you could, that's how you would defend that law. I have fucking racked my brain to try and justify how anybody is entitled to $190 million of somebody else's fucking money. Remember that story I told you last week? Sure, we all do. I'm going to bring it up. This fucking guy got accused of rape, gets convicted, goes to jail, 25 years in fucking

prison. They find out afterwards through the new DNA technology that he didn't fucking do it. Without a doubt, we had the wrong guy. You know what he got for 25 years of trying to make sure somebody didn't stick their dingaling in his fucking doorknob? Didn't make sense. Whatever. He got $4 million, 4 million bucks.

This bitch has been living high on the fucking hog for 10 fucking years. You know, can't even hit a fucking layup on a goddamn nerf hoop set, and she's going to get $190 million fucking dollars. Ladies, I want you to justify, you fucking justified that to me. That is the biggest crock of fucking shit ever. You know what I, you know what I love? And then I'll go, well, he fucked her out. He fucked her out.

Yeah, he did fuck around. So he should have to pay for it, but should be $190 million. Come on. That's fucking ridiculous. Some guy gets falsely accused for rape, spends 25 years in Rikers Island. People slashing each other's faces, throwing boiling water on each other. People getting raped, all this fucking shit you got to go through. And you only get $4 million.

This bitch is going to get $190 million. I love how it's looked down upon to, to cheat on your wife, but it's totally fine to tell somebody that you love them when you really don't, just because of all this shiny shit that they have. You know, look at this. Look at this woman. He fucked around on her. She busted him four or five fucking years ago.

The relationship's over. The trust is gone. That relationship was fucking over. Why did she stay? Cause he bought her that big yellow fucking diamond. Really? That's why she stays. And then what does she do?

She wanted out right then. She wanted out right then, but that money was too fucking good. And that bitch stuck around that big yellow diamond showing it off. Any fucking where she could, right? And then what does she do? She hangs around like some jaded cop, trying to get her fucking pension. She sticks around for 10 fucking years.

The second 10 years comes around. She gives herself a Christmas gift. Hey, Kobe, go fuck yourself. By the way, that'll cost you $190 million. All right. In my world, this is how that would work. If she wanted the entire 190 million, I'm really burning a lot of material here because I'm going to fucking vent about this on stage.

So you're hearing this first. This is like when you hear one of those Zeppelin songs before they fucking polish it off. All right. This is too good not to fucking say on stage. I have to do this shit. If I do say so myself. Or maybe I just love ranting about this shit.

This is how she should get this fucking money. All right. Hey, hey, whatever your name is, Bryant. You know, it's not amazing how you never know what their fucking names are, you know, because they don't win any fucking championships or do anything. Right. This is how I think that she should get the 190 million. All right.

You start off, no matter what Mrs, whatever your name is, Bryant, you're getting $30 million. Okay. Which is plenty of fucking money. You raise a whole goddamn family on that, live in a nice fucking house and have a nice car and still have 20 million left over. All right. So no matter what you're getting 30 million, you want to get up to 190 million.

And let's go down to the Staples Center, sweetheart. All right. We're going to start off easy. You give him a basketball. You fucking have the whole place jam-packed with people screaming at her. Shaking the signs and blowing air horns. Right. All right.

If you hit a layup, Mrs. whatever your name is, Bryant, we're going to give you another 5 million. Right. She hits that. You moved in the next round. Then you go to the foul line. You want to take another 20 million. You got to hit a foul shot and everybody's screaming.

Just have a bunch of fucking divorce guys sleeping on futon, standing up on the backboard, screaming at this bitch. You hit that. You moved to the half court line. You hit it. You get only get one shot to just like Kobe at the end of the fucking game. How he made all this money by hitting the big shots when there was fucking 20,000 people screaming at him who didn't want him to do it.

You go to the fucking half court line. You hit that. What are we up to? What are we up to? That's 50 million, 55 million. We'll give you 50 million, 50 million. If you hit a half court, then you go to the full court. You go full court.

If you hit that, you get, you can even hear off the backboard. We don't give a shit. You'll get the other 90. That's how you get your 190. Why don't you fucking earn it? It's unreal. Mel Gibson's wife, Mel Gibson's wife, you know, has she even shot a home movie? She stands to get, he's worth, at one point was worth 800 million.

She's going to get $400 million. All right. I want somebody, some female, some human being out there with a vagina to send me an email. I want you to justify, justify $400 million. Tell me why. I don't think you can do it other than say, well, that's what the law said. A hot, hot twist in hair, right?

It's fucking ridiculous. Do you know, in some states, if you're riding in a car with, with like a girl who's not of age and she's in her bare feet, that's considered statutory rape. Does that make any fucking sense? It doesn't, doesn't. Well, I'm going to tell you right now, these fucking divorce laws make as much sense as that. They're like these old archaic fucking laws.

This is the thing, you know, there's a lot of disadvantages to be in a lady, but you know, one of the main advantages of being a woman is that you can be an absolute fucking bum. You could be a bum. You can have no fucking job, no drive. You cannot achieve anything in life. And still come out the other side worth $400 million. Do you know what happens to a guy if he's a bum?

He's a bum. He's fucking homeless. Other than Steadman, Steadman, Oprah's fucking whatever the hell he is. He's the only guy I ever saw that figured out how to be a fucking bum. Oh, there's a, actually, let's be fair. Kevin Federline. Kevin Federline is a bum. That guy is a bum.

Britney Spears even built him his own goddamn recording studio and he still couldn't make a hit, right? Then they get divorced and what does he do? Sits on his ass and becomes a fat fuck, you know, getting Popeyes fried chicken off of Britney Spears alimony payments. He's a bum. So I guess it can be done, but come on. Who's kidding who?

It's very few and far between. You know, I don't know. Maybe women are coming up. Maybe they are making more money. I saw those Christmas ads, those Lexus ads where these women were buying their guys' cars and I got to admit, I was sitting there. I started acting like a woman when I saw that commercial. I was like, Nia, why don't you buy me a car?

Like this fictitious couple that we see on television. That really bothered me seeing that commercial with these women were out there buying cars, not because my male ego couldn't handle some broad buying me a car. It's just the fact that they're putting this out. There was multiple commercials as if this shit is actually going on as if there's so many fucking women out there buying their fucking men's a car that it's worthy of putting it out there like this is some mainstream shit that happens. Hey, fellas, how many guys, how many, how many of your male friends got a fucking

goddamn Volkswagen? Forget about Lexus for Christmas. Anybody you see any of your male friends walking outside screaming like a bitch in their bathroom, jumping up and down, looking at some shiny new car with a big ribbon on it. Has that ever happened? I bet Oprah did it. I bet Britney did it.

Who else? Sandra Bullock, she married a bum. That's another guy. You know, those guys ought to write a book because they're really treading on some female shit like how to live like a Hooters chick as a guy. You know, how to just be an absolute fucking bum and still come out the other side of goddamn millionaire. I gotta be honest with you, I couldn't fucking do it.

If I was a fucking bum, all right, let me just, let's just, let's just say I was married to somebody, some lady, right? And she's just running some goddamn empire coming home every day dressed like fucking Nancy Reagan, you know, goddamn brooch, just to let you know how powerful she is. And she's buying me all this shit. I have to, I would have to leave the relationship. I would have to leave. And she'd be like, but Bill, you have nothing.

And that's the point. I got nothing. I'm a fucking loser. I feel like, I feel like I'm 14 years old and I'm still living at home with my parents. I can't, I don't have a job. I don't have any goals. Am I doing anything? I'm just fucking sitting here going to the gym.

Okay. I know what everything costs on the price is right. I shouldn't know that. Do you understand that? I'm sick of playing tennis with the maid. I have to do something with my life. This is fucking pathetic. I know I thought it was what I wanted.

I know I got fucking my own sports bar. I have the beers on tap. I got the NFL, NBA, NHL and MLB packages and I'm still not happy. Cause I'm a bum. Mrs. Reagan. All right. I'm out of here. Just give me time to find a job in a one bedroom apartment or a fucking studio.

I have to get out of here. You know, but these broads don't give a fuck. Kobe Bryant's ex-wife is a bum. And she's going to be worth close to $200 million. Do you understand that? Dude, he probably doesn't even want a game of checkers in her life. You know, maybe she was good at shoots and ladders. Yeah. What does she do?

I bet she has some bullshit online business. That's what those rich broads always do. So they can act like they have some fucking business, but still stay at home and they're fucking jam jams. I'm working on a computer. You know, going to fucking us magazine.com all fucking day. You're a bum. Mrs. whatever your name is, Bryant, you're a fucking bum. You're a bum.

Get a fucking job. The fuck is it going to say on your tombstone? Suck the right dick? Oh man, I got all of that one. All right. It's now I'm actually sick of talking about it. Maybe I won't, maybe that won't go to stage who the fuck knows go to stage. Did I just say that we're taking this to the stage?

We're having a big production. Yeah. Yeah. All right, dilemmas for the week. Go to the bathroom like a cat number one and number two in a dresser drawer sized cat box and have a butler empty it every day. Or go to the bathroom like a dog outside in the bushes and have a butler follow you around to pick it up and tell you that you're a good boy. Oh, that's no fight. No fight.

That's the second one. I do it outside. It's squat right down in the fucking bushes. I'm not shitting inside my house. That's why I hate cats. Aside from the fact that they act like stuck up cunts at a club, you know, who's never done accomplish anything other than looking good in life, you know, and they only come around when they fucking need something. The other reason why I don't like cats is they shit in the fucking house. Then I got to pick it up.

I don't like that. They're not happy when I come home. There's just no, there's no give and take. You know what it is when you have a cat, you're basically Robert De Niro's character in casino. That's what you are. You know, and your cat is Sharon Stone. She's fucking, she's just there for the amenities. You fucking cunt.

Go OD and a goddamn Red Roof in. All right. So yeah, I would definitely outside. Who doesn't like being told they're a good boy? I get praise. Last time anybody out there got praise after they took a dump. Wouldn't that be awesome? You know, I don't know.

All right. Let's plow ahead. Was that unfunny, sir? Did you not like that one? Was that not up to your comedy standards? Did you feel the rest of this podcast was funnier than that? When I blew my nose before I went off on Jesus. Oh, all right, let's just plow ahead.

Number two, would you rather marry a stripper? Or have your daughter become one? I'd rather marry one. I'd rather marry one, you know. If my daughter becomes one, that's just complete failure as a parent. And in fact, that's what I think all those videos should be called that you see, you know. When you see on YouTube, when you got those girls doing those booty dances, you know, the goddamn shorts up their ass.

It's always like so-and-so booty dancing. What it should be called is so-and-so complete failure as a parent. Well, results of a complete failure as a parent. Absolutely. I would rather, that's not fair to the kid. I would marry a stripper and, you know, I would just, I would just have fun with the stripper. I would just do whatever I could, you know. Fuck her if she had one leg pointed west and one leg pointed east, you know.

Or north and south if she's standing up drinking coffee, you know. Doing like one of those little ballet moves. I just bang her like that and then, yeah, then I have a kid and be like, listen, this is the secret in life, sweetheart. Don't do anything that your mother did. Wouldn't she just become a stripper? Is that like a reality show that they haven't come up with yet? Daughters of strippers.

Like, what's her face? I think Kurt Cobain's daughter is going to be all right. Because her mother is such a fuck up that I think, I probably just jinxed her. I probably just jinxed her. All right, number three. Choose between attack by a bear or a lion on land and between attack by a shark or crocodile in the water. No fucking contest, dude. I would take a bear or a lion.

That's a quick death. That's a quick one. That bear comes up with that bionic bitch slap. That's it. You fucking break your neck. You ever see a lion kill something? That's it. It's over.

Like, and that's going after like major prey and it just crushes your fucking windpipe. You're out in two seconds. Did you ever, yo, the footage of what's his face? Look, the gay lion tamer out there. The one who looked like what's his face from night at the Roxbury. Ah, Jesus Christ, this fucking cold medicine. What the fuck is the guy's name there? Come on.

What was, what's the name of that guy? Chris Catan. That one. The gay Chris Catan. You ever see one that fucking, that lion grabbed that dude and it was over in two seconds. He just went limp. I take that in a second as opposed to a fucking shark. You're sitting out there.

A shark comes out. First thing it does is it bites into your leg to see if you're edible. Right? Just takes a nice chunk out. Like he's doing some sort of wine testing with your fucking thigh meat. You know what else kills me is the fact you can't fucking see it. You know, your head's above the water and all the evil is just below it. You're sitting there, you know?

And I think that you had still, you got that caveman DNA that would, that would just be going off that there was something in the area, despite the fact that you couldn't see it. You'd be trying to lift your fucking legs up. I think, I think the real dilemma here is, is between shark or crocodile and I would have to go, I would have to go shark. I just feel like there, it's a cleaner death. You know, they got those ginsu knife teeth.

They just come in like a tiger shark. It's just fucking over, you know, just a perfect fucking killing machine, as they said in Jaws, but like, uh, alligators and crocodiles, those fucking things. Those are like those guys who aren't talent, talented enough to be in the NFL, the NHL. So they just go out there and they try to blow out guys' knees, you know? Alligators and crocodiles are like the Bill Romanowski's of fucking predators. You know, just that thing where they grab onto you. You know, what I like about a shark, which you could just bite your leg off.

A fucking alligator. They always seem to grab it and then they go into that roll and they just so slowly twist it off, you know, like you're some cooked chicken and they're trying to take the leg. This is getting fucking morbid. That's what I would choose. All right. What else we got here? Have a beautiful lady who stinks smelly breath, smelly ass, pussy, pits, hair, the

works all stinking or an ugly fat bitch who smells great. Uh, I go with the ugly fat girl. Smells great. Absolutely. Because I could, I could love her with the other one who just smelled like shit, but was beautiful. It was probably carrying herself like a beautiful lady would annoy me after a while and I'd probably kill her.

You know, why did you kill her? Because her fucking pussy stunk and she walked around like she was Giselle. Am I being charged with anything? Because if I am, I want a lawyer. Go fuck yourselves. Well, Mr. Burr, you really just already incriminated yourself. I don't care. You know, the prison will not smell as bad as her ass.

Oh, is there anything worse than fucking cold tea? All right. Here we go. My friends and I frequently get in an argument over whether a world's, a world's man competitor or NFL lineman could handle a chimp in a fight. I know chimps can rip faces off at a 10 times the strength of a normal man, but a normal man is a tub of shit. I bet a linebacker could rip some faces off too.

What do you think? Uh, yeah, no contest. The chimp would fuck the dude up. Dude, chimps don't fight. I was going to say fairly. Chimps don't fight like people. They're not going to, you know, you're going to come out and touch gloves and they're going to fuck it.

Sorry, he's got a great jab. Watch out for its right. You know, that fucking thing is just going to jump on you. Did I ever tell you that time that monkey stole my hotel keys? I was in Costa Rica. Um, the fuck was I? Down in Costa Rica way out in the bush. You know, army ants took over my fucking little cabana and that type of shit.

So they had this pet monkey there. I was a monkey. I fucking hate monkeys. I never had a problem with chimps, but now that they rip people's faces off and their nuts and their feet off, I have a problem with them. Uh, I like gorillas and I like orangutans. I used to know it was tang, T-A-N-G, but it's orangutan. I like those ones.

They seem like they've seen it all. They got that vibe. They could just sit down and teach you about life. But those little monkey motherfuckers, I can't stand it, right? So for some dumb reason, because I'm white, I have to walk up to it. Hey, there's a fucking wild animal. Let me put myself in danger and I walk up to this thing and it fucking jumps on me. Uh, you know, and it's one of those, you know, remember that, that, that video, uh,

shocked the monkey? What a bit. The little monkey in that thing was one of those monkeys or in the faces of death when they were fucking banging that monkey's head till it died, then they ate its brains. Remember that one? Yeah, it was one of those monkeys, right? This fucking thing jumped on me. And within half a second, it turned itself upside down, was hanging by its tail from

my neck, reached in my pockets, grabbed my keys, and ran back up a fucking tree. This all happened, like, within, like, 1.8 seconds. And my body reaction was like, what, wait, what, what, uh, fuck. So, if this thing actually wanted to fuck you up, the thing's not gonna come out fucking bobbing and weaving. It's gonna be running around the room, jumping up off of shit. You're gonna try to figure out where it is, and it's just gonna fucking land on your face.

And that's gonna be it. It's gonna tear your face off, twist your foot off, and rip your balls off. And no linebacker stands a fucking chance. Unless, you know what? What if they had on the equipment? Even then, they'd tear your fingers off. This is the amazing thing about how human beings survived. Is everything out there as far as I can tell is faster than us, for the most part.

It is stronger than us. Faster and stronger. But for the simple fact that we were smarter, we were able to do all the horrific things that we've done with this nature, you know, with this nature, with this planet. You ever think about that shit? Football players beat the fuck out of the nerds, all through grade school and high school. Then what happens? From the real deal goes down?

At the end of the day, those nerds become bankers. And those football players get enslaved. And there you sit in your house like a caged animal at the fucking zoo. And where's that banker? You don't even know what the fuck he looks like. All those Facebook cunts, that goddamn Steve Jobs, one of the most overrated human beings on the fucking planet, they went in the end. Is this faster than you?

Or is this faster than you? Or is this faster than you? Or is this faster than you?