Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-27-20

Episode Date: November 28, 2020

Bill rambles with the lovely Nia about seasoning food, grilling, and his Grammy nomination.

Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie, in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill's Burr. It's Bill's Burr. Bill Burr. It is time for...

Bill's Burr. Bill's Burr. Because there's two of us here. The Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Oh, that was weary. Yeah, I'm full. Well, because I cooked all day yesterday.

Well, we're doing a special one the day after. Why is this so fucking loud? It's been popping lately. Let me turn this down. I actually just talked to my producer. I'm finally going to have a professional level podcast here. Not this ham radio situation you have. It served me well. I've been keeping it real since 2007.

Garage band style, baby. Doing podcast in the underwear. Doing it in the underwear there? Well, Nia, I got to say this because I like to think that I'm woke. I just want to say be the first to tell you Happy Black Friday. William. You know, you people have been complaining for years that all you get February. Don't forget, white people also give you a Friday in November.

Happy Black Friday. Not what it means. Wait, why do they call it Black Friday? It's an accounting term. It is? Yeah, back in the day when you had a... Before spreadsheets. Typically.

It's already weekend, all right? Let's not make it pornographic. They would have in the accounting legis, whatever was an asset was in black. Something positive in black, Nia, huh? And then if it was bad, red, Native American. See, they still kept white people out of it. Oh, like when people say, oh, we're going to get this company in the black. That means they're going to get... Yeah, profits.

Profits. And if it's bad, it's in the red, Native American. And if you need to whitewash history, you have white out. That's what we do. Or just insert white people into whatever it is that's going on. I kind of like the way I said it, kind of kept the through line. I bet you do. Anyway, it's great to be back.

It is great to be back. It is. They haven't been on the podcast. Yeah, and I think I got to say something. Throughout the years being in an interracial relationship, people think that you would argue about, I don't know what, you know, whatever. You know one of our biggest arguments, not lately, one of our biggest arguments. Okay.

I feel like I'm pitching an episode of like the Jefferson's here, for the neighbors down the hall, is seasoning of food. Lenny Kravitz's mother. Oh, that was Lenny Kravitz's mother? Yeah. Roxy, I don't know her last name. I can't think of it right now.

And the actress who played Walona on Good Times wrote that theme song, the greatest theme song ever. Oh, really? Oh, I think I knew that. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe not. Are you okay?

It's okay. I think I knew that. Maybe I didn't. No, I did. Maybe not. We'll be right back with conversations with yourself after these messages. So you're talking about our biggest argument lately. Lately.

Nia, you salt the shit out of stuff. I do not. In my culture, we actually season our food. So I know that's like unfamiliar territory for you people. But you know, when food is good, you can actually, that's like flavors that like dance on your tongue. You're just like salt and pepper. Like that's all.

That is such a crock of shit. But I did tell you this, I think white people season food the way we dance and black and black people. Black people season food the way you guys sing the national anthem. No, the way you sing the national anthem. Whoa, fucking easy with the salt. Extra. Holy shit, Nia.

The fucking needs flavor. Watch any episode of Top Chef or any of those shows are all like, you didn't season your food enough. You didn't season your food enough because people get scared of the seasoning. So what you watched a little bit of the food network and all of a sudden you just got to dump a fucking salt lick on every layer of lettuce you put on a burger. That chicken that I made the other day, for sure. I put the lemon pepper seasoning and I put salt on it.

So maybe it was a little... Oh my God, I felt my heart beating in my ears. There was so much salt in that fucking thing. Oh, come on, come on. And those broccoli, whatever, you put it in the oven there? Roasted broccoli. Oh my God. It needs flavor.

Wait, can we talk about the time you made a pot roast and didn't salt it? And I was like... That's not true. That's not true, that's not true. That is true and you were like, the recipe doesn't go for it. That's not what I said. That's not what I said. I had salt the meat.

You need it and you were like, I don't know. This is what happened. You guys ate it and said it needed salt. I said I put in the required amount but it was the level, it's my mother's recipe and she's Midwest people from back in the day. Back in the day, you didn't have all of these fucking food networks and all of that so these are old school recipes. So yeah, I try to kick up the notch, the apple pie, put more cinnamon in it.

I kick it up a little but I don't do the pimp suit fucking shit that you do to yours. Pimp suit? Yeah, like the extra. Fucking extra. We get it, you're making money. That's what I'm just saying. Jesus Christ, I crushed the turkey. You did a good job with the turkey.

Oh fuck you, I did a good job. I crushed it. Unbelievable. You just won't give it up. You are so crazy. I don't wildly compliment you. You like spiral. I said you did a good, I crushed the turkey.

You fucking cooked for four hours and said somebody go, you did a good job. I did cook for four hours the night before. No, you didn't. You had me as a fucking assistant. I need you to help me with this. And you know what I did? I helped you with it. I did all of this shit until the pot cookie kicked in and then I tapped out.

But you were fucking like this. But then the next day I'm going to make my stuffing and you're fucking brow beating me about how to make toast. No, I wasn't. You're just a fucking sensitive baby. All I was telling you was if you wanted to double check the setting on the toaster to make sure that you were like comfortable with the level of toast. If you were okay with it being at four minutes or three minutes or five minutes, you know, just to test it. I was just, I was merely a suggestion. She wanted me to take bread from another loaf and do a test run to make toast.

I could see if we were deep frying a turkey for the first time and you wanted to deep fry something else first. We're talking about toast. I mean, what's going to happen? I needed to do like a NASA test for toast. Yeah, maybe. But I just was saying you can just test. Sit there. You are such a baby.

You're a fucking control freak. You get into the goddamn kitchen and you. Oh my God. Yes, chef. Yes, chef. I'm running around the fucking goddamn thing. I've made plenty of good flavorful fucking meals and now you're going to sit here and lie to my listeners and act me like I'm old Billy Blandface over here and I resent that. You crushed the turkey.

It was moist. It was flavorful. It was delicious. The stuffing. Oh, it was great. The stuffing always kills. The mashed potatoes with the fucking salt and pepper, the butter and the fresh rosemary. That was delicious as well.

I think that's all I made. I made the mac and cheese. You didn't make them. We made the mac and cheese. We made the mac and cheese. I don't know. I think I should have taken it. The thing is it says 30 to 40 minutes and I checked it at 30 and it wasn't really like golden on top the way you like.

I was waiting for another five minutes and I think that was, I think that was a mistake. Also, it didn't have enough salt. I liked it. I thought it had plenty of flavor. I really enjoyed it. And I didn't think it needed any more salt. How much fucking salt can you have in our meal? I don't want to get you for a stocking stuffer.

What's that one of the little chicks spilling the salt as she walks down the street in the rain? I'm going to get you a little fucking salt shaker. Yeah, whatever that. Morton, Morton salt. Morton salt. Yeah, exactly. And by the way, salt is for people who don't know how to cook. That is not true.

It is 100% true. It's like me saying the F bomb in my jokes. I don't write a good joke. So the steroids of comedy is a couple of F bombs. You PED the joke. People will do anything and make any kind of excuse. What do you mean by you people? You know exactly what I mean.

I had like, oh, it's too much. That's if you don't know how to cook like, are you crazy? Salt and seasoning enhances flavor. I didn't start this. I didn't start this. You're the one who told me that white people don't know how to season food. I never said black people. Morton Ramsey was here and he heard you say that he would slap you across your face.

He said what? He said, you need salt. You need salt. He lives in England. Those fucking people, everything's gray over there. They don't know how to fucking cook. He lives in Liverpool. I almost fucking died of scurvy.

What? There's fucking no nutrition in that country. They haven't oppressed the Indian people. There wouldn't be any good food in that fucking country. That is it. That Indian food in England is amazing. Why? And why is that?

Because Gordon Ramsey's cooking it? No. Or because of the oppressed Indians cooking it? It's because, yeah. It's because of the Indian people. I love Gordon Ramsey. I love an angry man in the kitchen. Yeah, I know that.

I love the roadmaps of anger on his face from yelling at assistants. I love that. I love a white man from England who's never seen lotion in his life. No, but Thanksgiving was really nice. It came together beautifully. It was a nice time. Small, just us. It was great.

Yeah, we had a good time. You wouldn't notice by this podcast. No, I had a great time. No, it was really nice. No, you're right. I could definitely, you know, kick up the flavor. And some of my old school mom recipes, oh my God, so sacrilegious, but okay. The stuff that I grew up on.

I will try, I will try and black it up. Wait, but like, but some of this... I will put hot sauce on the escalop potatoes. But you know what, your mom's popovers? The one. Popovers. Popovers that she makes during the holidays. Oh my God, I love those.

And her peanut butter cookies during Christmas time. Ooh, do you think she'll send some? She's an amazing cook. Okay. Yeah. I know she doesn't back up a salt truck and dump it on the mac and cheese in the pot roast. No, but she has some, she has some really lovely recipes for sure. No doubt.

Thank you. I know how hard that was for you. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. But you know, you know what I was amazed with was when you said that you just got the turkey breastasis. Yeah. Because it wasn't going to be anybody over because we're trying to be responsible.

And you know, O'Clamation Face is going to be taken over as president. Oh, forgetful Frankie, he's getting in there. But the thing is, what I failed to realize though about the turkey breast is that it's just, it's just the white meat, which is like the blandest part. It's the driest part. It's the driest part. So you really have to work overtime to get, why are you making that face? I don't know.

It's just back to the, you know, everybody knows the dark meat is the juicier, more delicious meat. Okay. That has nothing to do with race. It's just facts. It has to do with where you cook the bird. The juice runs down to the bottom. That's what it is.

The dark meat is the juicy meat. It is. And this is, it absolutely is. You don't need to tell me. Okay. All right. Take it easy. No.

Yeah. Which is why the degree of difficulty on that thing, you know, and I actually was smoking a celebratory cigar while I was letting it cook. And it actually went up two degrees more than, so it was a little, just a little bit dry, I thought, but I didn't hear you complain. So I knew I actually did a good job. No, it was really good. Yeah.

I enjoyed it. Everybody seemed to like it. And, but I was amazed at how gigantic. Like, I don't know what a turkey is bench pressed in these days, but those were some serious fucking pecs. That was an organic turkey breast. So I mean, supposedly it wouldn't have any steroids or anything in it, but who knows. One of my favorite videos of animals killing other animals or trying to kill other animals,

because they don't always do it. They don't always make the kill was this fucking. This hawk was trying to kill this turkey. I don't know what is about a turkey. I wanted him to get it, you know, probably because I've eaten so many turkeys. It's just like, well, why should I beat in all the turkey? Why doesn't this bird get some? And I know, and I'm like, there's no fucking way.

The bird eating another bird. Well, this, yeah, that happens. Oh my God, you should see some of the shit that goes on. Like pelicans just swooping up and just like eating a pigeon hole and the things like flapping around and it's fucking pelican chin. Oh yeah, that comes back to you. Maribou's Stork Nightmares when you go to bed at night. Anywhere.

Can we turn that light off? Like it's just, it's. I'm sorry. Well, this light represented the salt you put in the food. Too much. It's too much. So anyway, so the hawk also would fascinates me because it's not that big. The turkey is way bigger.

There's no way it's eating all of that. I know there's some other fucking little scavenger keeping an eye on that hawk waiting for it to make a kill. And when it's done eating, then they come in and they finish the thing off. That's interesting to me. Animals are the exact opposite of human beings in that they use up everything, which I think is amazing. And they don't, they're not into plastics either.

I don't know if you knew that. So anyway, this is how it works. Turkeys can't fly. Has that radio station learned? You must have heard that one from way back in the day. Yeah, that promotion for people never heard it. This radio station in America had a promotion that they were going to drop live turkeys from a helicopter down to people.

They were going to fly down in celebration of Thanksgiving and, you know, as much as they knew about radio, they didn't know that turkeys couldn't fly. And they just dropped them to their deaths. Oh my God. They did. It was an episode on WKRP. Fucking Crimes of Humanity. Yeah, we're the worst.

WKRP in Cincinnati, one of my favorite sitcoms growing up. Yeah. Baby, if you ever wondered, wondered whatever became of me. I'm living on the air in Cincinnati, Cincinnati, WKRP. Been packing and unpacking at something town to town, up and down the dial. Maybe you and me would never meant to be. But baby, think of me once in a while. I'm at WKRP in Cincinnati.

And there's another trivia thing about that. The end song. Yeah. You can't understand a word the guy's saying. He's like, he was just fucking around in the studio. Just sort of riffing as they were putting the song together. And they thought it sounded cool. And they just kept it.

There you go. There you go. Now, can we get back to the show? When was that show made? Oh, Howard Hesman, Lonnie Anderson. The chick who played Bailey, Gordon Jump, Frank Bonner. I've heard of Lonnie Anderson. What does that make everybody else?

Irrelevant in my eyes, yes. No, no, of course not. But was that a 70s show or an 80s show? Both. Late 70s into the earlys. Les Nessman, Herb Tarlick, Andy Travis, Venus Flytrap, stand-up comedian. Just went blank on his name.

Howard Hesman playing Venus Flytrap. Venus Flytrap was his DJ name. And then it was Dr. Johnny Fever. Wow. Wait, can we talk about black food versus white food? Because I just remember our dear friend, Josh Adam Myers. I forget what holiday this was like a couple years ago. Maybe even last year, I don't know.

Some holiday, it might have been Thanksgiving. And I was like, oh yeah, I'm making mac and cheese. And he's like, wait, wait, wait. This is like black people mac and cheese. And I was like, yes. And he was like, can I have some? Yeah, this is what I found about cooking. Is there's a lot of shit talk.

And people really lean on the work of other people. I feel like that's shade towards me. No, no, it's not directed towards you. What I'm thinking of was back in the day when I was in New York and I was doing the uptown rooms. And there was a lot of bits talking about how white people didn't know how to cook. And I went to this fucking cookout and it was the driest goddamn.

And they were talking all of this shit. It was dry ass fucking chicken. But I also have a theory. Once you go past a certain amount of people, just make a trail is on you because you're not going to do it. It's just nothing's timed out well. Everything is like different temperatures. It's like no matter how big an acting gig you get,

when you go on the movie set, the food sucks. It just does. You're cooking for a fucking army. You know what I mean? They throw half a fucking cow on something. They cut it up with a chainsaw and they throw it on your plate. Let's see what's happening. I feel like barbecue too is a real skill-based,

I don't even know what, activity. Would you say everything's an art form? I would say it's an art form, yes. No, I just feel like you really got to be good at it. You just can't just throw anybody behind the grill drinking a beer and pouring sauce on it. You got to really be able to get... That's why I'm scared to barbecue.

As much as I love barbecue, I feel like you have to be so precise with your timing and the amount of smoke and, you know... Do you feel paralyzed like you can't start down that road and you need maybe a little nudge? Why? Because if you want to be as good as a blue ribbon wind and one of those smoker guys... No, I don't need to be.

I can just go to the places I know have amazing barbecue. I don't need to possess that skill myself, you know? Oh, it sounded like you wanted to and you just fear we're stopping you. No, no, I just... Does it go back to your childhood? What is this? No, I don't feel the need to get that down, Pat.

I mean, even though it would be nice to know, put a little rub on some ribs, put on the big green egg and put some sauce on it. We did that before and they were great. When? You don't remember that? It was years ago. Ribs?

Ribs. I haven't used that egg since we had kids. Oh, shit. Yeah. What's going on in there? It seems like a family of mice live in it. It's that Asian family lives in there from a parasite. No, I actually think when it comes to everything, as much as I'm making fun of the food in England,

you also have Gordon Ramsay, who's a fucking amazing cook. And I am a fan of it. I was just making fun of him there. Someone tried to tell me, like, they have just amazing cuisine in England. And I was like, listen, I love England. I mean, I've only been to London really, but I... Snob.

I just, I don't find the cuisine there worth celebrating. I just don't. No, it's definitely one of those places you need to know where to go. But you have to stay in their wheelhouse. Because I hung out with one of the promoters and he took me to the place where he got fish and chips back in the day when they used to put it, wrap it up in like a day old newspaper.

And they finally were like, right, we probably shouldn't have ink going into your body. So I went to that place and that was the shit. That was amazing. So if you stick to what they do well, you know, trying to take over the world like Pinky and the Brain and Fish and Chips, cup of tea. I could murder a cup of tea.

Shepherd's pie. Is that... I always get confused who does the Shepherd's pie and who does the... They don't do the Shepherd's pie? They're not really shepherds, are they? What? I mean, yeah.

Weren't they the suits? In the countryside. The Irish were like the artists who came up with the ideas and then they came and took control of them. They get mailbox money and then the Irish are still dancing for their supper. Oh, I don't know. That's an area of history that I don't care about.

What are you talking about? I don't know. I don't know what the Irish person... You live in a white country. All we do is talk about European history in the public school system. I know. Oh, that's right.

You went to a private school. What is that supposed to mean? That you're a snob and I'm realer than you are. People, this has been the podcast. No, I just don't... Yeah, I thought the English people did the Shepherd's pie. Why are you holding the mic so close to me? Because you continue to...

We only have one microphone here. I'm telling you, I forget where my other microphones are. I'm stepping up. This is Black Friday. I'm going out to the microphone store and I'm running over some fat people and I'm going to get some microphones for 60% off. You don't want to go to any store today.

Not today. Today is a bad day to do any kind of shopping. I think most days are a bad day. It's the middle of a pandemic. Pandemic. You got cute feet. The old pandemic. Have we talked...

Oh, thank you. Wait, have we talked about how you are Grammy-nominated Bill Burr. I'm here for a Grammy, you guys. He told some of the best shit jokes of last year. No, he didn't. Very exciting. Congratulations.

Thanks. All right. Can I go back to the turkey? The hawk? Yes. All right. So this hawk sits in the goddamn tree. I lost interest in the story.

You started to tell it. I know, but somebody out there wants to hear it. I have listeners all the way in Iran who probably don't even know what a turkey is. They want to hear about your hours of endlessly watching dumb videos on YouTube. You watch dumb things. You always tell me I watch dumb TV and I look over

and you're just watching people slap each other over and over again. You have the nerve to talk about what I watch. Oh, my God. I watched a video of a crocodile almost eating a puppy and then the guy rescued it. I swear fucking God, if I see that video one more time, we get it.

He's a hero. I got to be honest with you. I didn't even watch that video. I started to watch it. I was like, oh, it's just a little alligator. It's not an alligator. It's like a fucking, it's like he's taking a fucking puppy out of like an eight-year-old's mouth.

It was a full-size alligator. He was like, I don't give a shit about my own well-being. Although he did go into the water. I'd be worried if, I would say the mom and dad are around, but you know those reptiles. They don't raise their kids, do they? Do they? No, they don't.

They're terrible parents. We need to get those reptiles out of this country. So this fucking hawk, what it is, so the turkey can't fly. So what it does is it waits for, it wants the turkey to be out in the open. These turkeys, I don't know. They don't play drums or fly helicopters, so they have great hearing.

So they know where the fucking thing is and they fucking run like real low to the ground. It's hilarious. They run across the field and they get underneath the tree where the branches is so low, the thing can't swoop in. Because I guess like those birds are prey. They're not good and close. Part of them stabbing you to death is they need to be flying

like 200 miles an hour and then just stick into you like they threw a dot at you in a bar. Oh my god, this is why you're so concerned about like some type of bird, like grabbing our daughter and flying off with her. Because you're watching all these like scary videos. Or I'm getting informed. Do you really think like some bird is going to come

and like grab her and like fly away with her? Well, I can tell you as a parent, I don't want to find out. I just think that's a little, it's one of those things that you're concerned about. I think it's maybe not as concerning as you think. Well, you know what, Nia? I think when it comes to animals, I look at them the way you season food.

Which is what? You know, there's a reason I'm always going back to the spice aisle in the grocery store. No, my wife is an amazing cook. It's just lately, lately. You've just, you've been a little heavy on the salt. Yeah, I don't know what's up with that. I got a, I don't know.

I feel like I've lost you. When you get sad, do you put extra salt in your foods? I feel like I was cooking on a regular basis and now I'm more, now I'm just more like tired and worn out and I just don't feel like doing it. Like I don't get pleasure in it anymore and having to come up. Okay, what's for dinner tonight?

What's for dinner tonight? It's just like annoying to me. So I'm probably just being like careless because I'm just tired and over it and I'm just trying to get it done. So you're just sort of grabbing a handful of salt and throwing it, whatever you... Whatever I'm making.

I'm just like here. Yeah, no, I'm just, I'm just like not in the mood to be like this, this cook anymore. Cause I just don't have the leisure of like making it and drinking a glass of wine and like I used to. So it's just, I don't know, maybe I'll get back into it but I'm just not, that's not the phase I'm in right now.

So is it because you're tired with the kids and you can't be a booze bag anymore when you cook? No. No, but I am. I'm tired with the kids and by the time dinner comes around, around that six, six, thirty time, I don't, I don't want to do it.

I don't want to do it. So. She doesn't want to do it, folks. She doesn't want to do it. Yeah, tapping out. Tapping out. Well. What it is, baby.

It is what it is. Well, I got some advertising here to read there. All right. I promise you guys, I mean, I'm going, I'm taking a little tour here at Texas. So when I get back, I'm going to have... Sorry.

It's all right, Neil. It's okay. Trash. You can trash. You can say whatever you want, but God forbid. No, no, no. I felt it.

No, no, no. No, no, no. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Let me read this. All right. Movement.

MVMT. We all know that people allow the future. We all know that 2020 isn't playing by any of the usual rules. Can we stop blaming the year? It's not the year's fault.

It's COVID. We got to blame somebody. Yeah. We're not fucking around because Charles Manson was around. Was it 69? Sure. Did they blame the year?

No, they blame Charles Manson. Got to put this COVID in fucking jail. And that goes for the holiday shopping too. Between shipping delays and the mess and stress of in-store shopping experiences, there aren't great options. But our friends over at MVMT Watches,

Movement Watches, have made gifting easy. MVMT makes clean and modern watches. Blue light glasses and accessories. Getting great quality and style doesn't have to break the bank. They're black Friday sale. Nia is live right now.

So you can get ahead of your holiday shopping at their biggest sale of all time. MVMT's ever scroll blue light, filtering glasses are a personal favorite with lenses that protect your eyes from long hours in front of your screens. They come in tons of fashion forward styles to choose from.

Give the gift of better sleep, better focus and better style. MVMT has their super sleek matte black packaging. That sounds cool. Just add a bow and you're good to go. Their products are one size fits all. And their gift guides help you find the gift that fits their style.

Their shipping is fast and they offer free returns. Free returns. And all the way into next year. Not that you'll need it. Check out MVMT's biggest sale of the year with fast free shipping. With free returns by going to

MVMT That's Mike Victor Mike Tango. Dot com slash burr. You like that? You like that? That pilot speak Nia? Did I mention I have a pilot? Okay.

Simply safe. Simply safe. You know, there's always a rise in breakings during the holidays. You're a mean one. Can you describe the perpetrator? He was built like a sort of a mushy kettlebell. White or black agent.

He was green. Green. He was green. Very hairy. Very hairy. Crooked teeth and a little dog. 40% of, it's why simply safe home security is having a huge holiday sale.

40% off any simple, simply safe system and a free security camera. Recently, U.S. News and World Report called it the best home security of 2020, 2020, 2020, 2020. So whether you're traveling or staying put in the holidays, check out the 40% off plus free security camera deal

before it ends this week. It won CNET editor's choice for home security. It was named best of 2020, 2020, 2020 by Forbes and Popular Mechanics. The system has an arsenal of sensors and cameras that protect every inch of your home. You can set it up yourself in about 30 minutes. It's super easy plus there's no contract,

no hidden fees and no installation costs. Then simply safe security specialist takeover, monitoring your home around the clock and ready to send emergency help the moment there's an alarm. Get 40% off simply safe plus a free security camera today by visiting simplysafe.com slash burr. Hurry, this deal expires on Friday.

That's simply safe. S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E dot com slash burr. Simply safe, simply with an I. Simplysafe.com slash burr. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cirrillas where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy

from NS Novelties. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cirrillas along with all NS Novelties. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cirrillas in Indianapolis

with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Cirrillas.com. Alright everybody, that was the holidays. I am thankful for my beautiful wife and my two lovely children. And for all, let me finish my thanks, God damn it. And all the wonderful people that are going to brave coming out there in Texas in the upcoming week.

The stars at night are big and bright. Peeping the heart of Texas. I'm on my way. I'll get there on Monday or Tuesday. I don't remember which but I'll- Shout out to Megan Thee Stallion and Beyonce. Are they from there? Yes, yes they are.

I didn't know that. Okay, let's see. I would love to add something but I got nothing. Alright, that's the podcast. Please enjoy the music and a little bit of music. No, a little bit of music. And then a bonus episode. I got it.

Of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. A little bit of something. Sorry, happy holidays everybody. Thank you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

November 26, 2012. How are you doing? I hope you are fine. Okay, I hope you are fine. I hope during this holiday season that you and yours and any pets you have from mammals all the way down to gold fishes are just doing great

and thinking about prostate cancer. Alright, I'm psyched to be back here in LA. I kind of have to keep my voice down because the lovely Nia is still sleeping upstairs. I am basically holding two microphones right now because I've learned how to shut off the external microphone on this thing and I didn't have time to go back to guitar. And figure out how to just use one mic on this

and have it come into both my fucking ears. I don't know how to do it. So I got to go down and talk to one of those fucking guys. Sorry. Alright, I'm not good at this shit. So I'm sitting here holding two microphones. Kind of like John Bonham. If I could compare myself to him

when he played the track four sticks. Two sticks in each hand. I got two microphones. He's got four sticks. Going a little bottom this week. Alright, I got a ton of shit to talk about this week. A lot of sports stuff, by the way. Just to get, you know, just for all the people that fucking hate when I talk sports,

this might be one you just want to shut off. Okay? Just fucking walk away and be like, why doesn't he talk about Middle Earth? Somebody informed me, by the way, that Lord of the Rings, that Middle Earth thing. It's not in the middle of the Earth. It's not like between our world and the center of the Earth.

Like, I thought it was. They're like, hey, shithead. It's actually another fucking play. Well, what does it mean? You know, that writer sucks so bad he couldn't come up with another name for a planet. They did that with fucking supermans. Parents, didn't they?

Then he come from like the fucking, the planet of Zog or Zorg. That was always big in sci-fi. Like, if there was a planet or a guy's name, it always had to started with a Z because that just sounded like so fucking alien because nobody ever named a kid. Like, there was a couple of Zaks,

you know. What else is there other than Zaks? Zelda? That's it for me. Zippy, you know? Ah, Jesus. Anyway, so let's get into the, let's get into the sports here.

This is so fucking weird to be holding two microphones. I feel like one of those divas singers, if I see that back in the day when they would have, to be singing into one microphone, then they'd have another microphone taped to the other one. You know? You know you did, you know you did,

you know you did. What was that song? Remember that? You used to say, live and let live. You know you did, you know. Sorry. That's what I'm thinking of. Axl Rose with his fucking

white bike shorts. You could actually wear white fucking bike shorts. You know? Not under your pants, just that's what you could wear. He could have worn that with a hat on backwards with a one size fits all strap. Making that red mark on his forehead and no,

and just done a concert and no one had a fucking problem with it. Which I guess makes sense because Freddie Mercury used to kind of walk around like an adult diaper. Did he do like shows like Barefoot and like Tidy Whitey's? And he had like that microphone like stand that was sort of cut off. She was sort of like a major

and like singing a song. Did that happen or did I just dream that? Um, anyways let's get to the, um, let's get to the sports this week. I think I, I, I watched the most football out of possibly anybody in the United States on Thanksgiving.

I went back to my hometown because I was going back for my, uh, my 25 year high school reunion. Oh Jesus. 25 fucking years. Can you believe that? I graduated high school 25 years ago and I stayed back in the first grade.

So when I graduated I was 19. So do the fucking math. I'm 44 years old. I'm fucking, they even spotted me a year and I'm still at my 25 year high school fucking reunion. And, um,

I got to admit I was pretty nervous going on that thing. You know what I mean? I haven't seen a lot of those the kids that I went to school with. A lot of them literally since the day we got our diplomas and then that was fucking it. So you know,

you know the deal. You want to walk in, you want to see everybody looking good, you want to see everybody happy and everybody living a life that they want to be living. That was my biggest fear. I didn't want to walk in there. I didn't want to be reminded of how fucking old I was and I didn't want to see a bunch of

beaten down. Like, dude, 20 years and she walked out on me. You know, I didn't want to see that. You know? And I got to tell you, my fucking grade held up great. You know? Everybody was looking good, man.

Everybody looked alright. Everybody looked like they were happy. And it was a great fucking time. So, there's one for you. Underrated. Going to your high school reunion. A lot of people have like hilarious react. Like, is visceral? Is that the right word?

Like if you mention that you're going to your reunion. You know what I mean? People just, you go on to your high school reunion and they just go off on this rant. Dude, I don't give a fuck if I never see another fucking person. I fucking hated everybody. I fucking went the fuck.

And it's just like, alright. What happened? Who stuffed you in a locker? You know? Who broke up with you? What did you wish you did but you never did? You know what I mean? You know, Fersy was like that. Fersy was trying to fucking go on and on and on and on and on.

About dude, I have no desire. I don't want to fucking go. I was getting trashed. I was at the stand. You know? That little fucking Euro trash comedy club that just opened up and I was like, well what is it? On 3rd Ave.

20th Street. With that little she-she food and a little stage downstairs. You know? I was there and one of the guys one of the owners of the club fucking hilarious I told him I was going to my high school reunion and I was excited because I hadn't seen these.

I liked the kids I went to school with. I was excited to go. And he goes, you going to your high school reunion? And he starts laughing. The closure? That was probably the best thing that anybody said. I thought that that was fucking hilarious. But, uh,

yeah, but I just kind of found like everybody was just saying that, uh, they had no, a lot of people going, I have no desire. I don't know what happened. I was like, those are the kids who got like bullied? You know? I don't know. Just fucking, what's his phone?

I said, first he just tried to say he had no desire to go to high school. He goes to go to his high school reunion. He goes, I hated high school. And then I asked him, I said, all right, who fucking beat you with your own gym towel? What happened?

He goes, no dude, that never happened. Never happened. I just didn't, I didn't like getting up in the morning to have to go to it. You know, like seven in the morning. Quite possibly the dumbest reason ever to not go to a high school reunion. Asshole. You don't have to go back to your homeroom. Paul Versey.

And then I talked to him a little bit more and then I dragged it out. Some chick fucking, I don't know what, I don't know what happened. Dude, you couldn't fucking pay me to fucking shut up. Shut the fuck up. I think, you know something, I bet Versey when he goes back, he's going to fucking,

he's either going to rent a flashy car or he's just going to get himself in way over his head and a car he actually owns. You know? Why am I talking about this shit? Anyway, so I went there and just had a great fucking time.

Didn't drink because I didn't want to be the fucking drunk guy. You know, and God knows, I really felt that my tolerance was going to be way beyond most of my classmates considering most of them are normal, got married and had kids, and even if they want to booze, they kind of got to

wait till, you know, the coast is clear, whereas I can kind of still drink like I'm still in fucking not even like I'm in college. Like it's like it's spring bright. I could fucking drink like that whenever I wanted to, which is not a good thing. It's not a good thing for old Billy

Fatface here. So I decided, you know what, I'll just start off with the cranberry juice and a fucking lime and I'll endure somebody doing the fucking departed joke. What do you got, you period? And then I switched the water and I had a coke and I was just like, you know what, I'm not going to fucking

drink and I had a great time, but the fuck was I just, I was leading towards something. Oh, you know what, everybody did and I thought I was going to be taking out pictures of the kids. I didn't see one picture of anybody's kid. Everybody was just talking about shit, all the dumb shit we

used to do and it had a great time. Just had really had a great time. You know, a great story that I had never heard. It was a buddy of mine. He used to fucking gamble like big time. Used to bet on like baseball and he had like his own

landscape and company whenever like the baseball team would win whatever team wanted money, he would then try and cut somebody's backyard or front yard in the same design as the outfield of that team and it never looked like it. It just it looked like some sort of fucked up design, but he didn't know what he was doing and he was high

probably when he did it. So somebody told me a story about that kid. He had bet the fucking Houston Rockets way back in the day and Houston had lost like two games in a row. So he thought it was a gift. He fucking buries the team and they end up, they're just shit in the bed. Nobody's playing or whatever

and he got so mad. He picked up the phone and he called long distance and he said yeah, in Houston last name Elijah won. And he wasn't doing it to make the other person laugh. He literally

thought that he was going to get, I don't know if he was high or whatever. He was trying to get this guy's number to fucking bitch him out for losing or whatever 50 bucks or 100 bucks on the game. So it was basically just shit like that. And all right, are you guys getting sick of this? Okay, whatever. I had a great fucking time. So if anybody

who was at the high school reunion is listening it was great seeing you and I'm glad everything seems to be going great in everybody's life. So anyway let's get on with the sports here. Here's one for you. First of all I forgot to mention, I

watched all this football. I went to my high school rivalry game. I went to that. We were 2 and 7. The other team was like fucking 8 and 1 and we actually beat him in overtime. It was in a way

game. You know, sent the other team fucking fans home with their heads hanging on turkey day made me feel fucking great and then I watched I watched the first game was at the Lions Texans then I watched the next game Cowboys

and then I watched the Patriots that game was fucking unbelievable and don't worry Jeff fans I'm not gonna fuck. If you've noticed I really haven't trashed you guys this year despite the fact I really could have. I just haven't the only reason why I ever really fucking trashed you guys was because Rex Ryan

talked all that shit. You know, he hasn't talked shit in 2 years and I laid off you, okay? So, um anyways you know that guy always make fun of the fireman I always say he gets on his boyfriend's shoulders like he's some hot chick at a Bon Jovi concert

fireman Ed fucking retired if you haven't heard about this he couldn't fucking take it anymore. Why? Because the Patriots beat the team so bad? No because he has to endure another fucking Jets

rebuilding? No because he got sick of the cunty fucking jet fans getting in his fucking grill because he's wearing a Sanchez jersey the same fucking people who are going calling Mark Sanchez

Sanchez Sanchez a few fucking years later they jump off the fucking bandwagon now they get into the face of this old fucking retired fireman on Thanksgiving getting in his face and he finally just decided what the fuck

am I doing the fuck am I doing fuck these people and you know what I say I say good for you fireman Ed they'll take no shit off nobody here's the article New York Jets super fan

fireman Ed who for decades has fueled home crowds with his famous J-E-T-S cheer has decided to R-E-T-I-R-E retire I don't name names I won't say his last name who created a stir Thanksgiving night when he left

MetLife Stadium at half time of the Jets 49 to 19 loss yeah along with half the fucking crowd and then he deleted his twitter account he announced on Sunday night that he will no longer attend home games as fireman Ed good for you you gotta go down there

and dress up like a fucking clown to get these people going only to have these people getting your grill in the fucking bathroom screaming at you shame on you Jets fans and I know what you Jets fans are gonna say it was a select few people no it wasn't it was it was probably

almost all of you and you know why because you're horrific human beings and that's why god only let you win one anyways he says the stadium has become divided because of the quarterback controversy he claims the fact that I chose to wear a mock Sanchez jersey

this year and that fans think I'm on the payroll which is an outright lie have made these confrontations more frequent whether it's in the stands the bathroom or the parking lot these confrontations are happening on a consistent basis wow so he just said fuck it

and then Rex Ryan who I actually hung around and watched his press conference where he just kept saying the same you know we're gonna come out next week we're gonna play hard I mean that's uh it's all we know how to do you know we just you know that same

fucking shit you know the same guy that one year when they lifted the salary cap and the Jets went out and fucking one bought everybody and he's like we'll kick the shit out of any fucking team in the league it's just great watching him eat a big

slice a humble pie and the final question of the press conference is Rex do you think you'll still be here next year and he just goes yes I do yes I do any more questions and there was nothing and he had to walk off

on that one and I thoroughly enjoyed it thoroughly fucking enjoyed it so there you go but this guy says he's gonna keep going to the to the games he's just not going to the game you know is fireman the guys wearing the Sanchez jersey according

to him as like he's being loyal so this guy really is a fan you know some two people go dude the guy used to be a fucking Dolphins fan you know alright that works if he jumped on the bandwagon and became a patriots fan

when the patriots got good or if he jumped on the bandwagon with the Giants or the Steelers or any other team that was good dude Dolphins to the Jets okay no and he did it in 75 that was a major step backwards alright

according to what I've read okay in 75 the fucking Dolphins they won two Super Bowls back to back Super Bowls had a perfect season went to three Super Bowls in a row all in the early 70s they still had Bob Greasy I think Larry Zonker was already in the WFL maybe he came back with the Giants at that point

fucking Rain Man here this is all for my football cards that I looked at in a million times when I was a kid rather than studying in high school and who the fuck did did they even have Richard Todd at that point Joe Namath was gone

yeah I think they just got Richard Todd that was it so this guy this guy paid his fucking dues he went to a zillion games he's the only guy still had the balls to wear Sanchez jersey this guy was actually a fan and he got trashed

by other fucking fans I find that really fucking interesting um and it really actually taps into this this question I got this this week somebody said Bill do you give a shit he said hey Bill love your work but do you give a shit about your fans

doesn't look like it and sad to see I don't know what the what does that mean doesn't look like it is my website subpar I know the audio was bad last week but you know

sir you're gonna have to elaborate a little bit more what happened did you keep sending emails and I haven't read one yet did you have a cold last week and asked me to send you a fucking card and I didn't what does that mean do I give a shit about

my fans first of all I don't know alright this is what I feel like I feel you have a fucking responsibility to give somebody a goddamn show that's what you have go out there give somebody their fucking money's worth

alright and I like to think I do that so where the fuck is that coming what more what more do I gotta do for you wear the t-shirt of your company you know you think that's sad you know I think this fucking email said

what are you doing you know what the I don't even know where the fuck that comes from do I give a shit about my fans no I don't I want to go back to standing in a fucking function room in a hotel room in front of 80

people who didn't even know there was gonna be comedy give me a fucking break okay I don't I don't know what your level of I have to give a shit let me ask you let me ask you a question sir do you give a shit about the people that your fans of

you know cause I gotta be honest with you I don't I thought I did but I fucking love AC DC absolutely fucking love them they're a bad example cause they've never really fell off they've always

sold a bunch of albums I loved a lot of bands in the 80's love them but when they fell off in the fucking 90's I didn't keep going to their shows I didn't send them cards going hey man

hang in there I didn't I totally fucking flipped and made fun of them I make fun of hair metal to this day I guess I make fun of myself too saying I can't believe some of the fucking shows I went to but you know what I mean it's those people

who are still fucking going to those shows with their hairs teased up acid washed jeans this fireman Ed sitting there we're still wearing a Sanchez Jean fucking Jersey I guess that that is a true fanatic but the rest of us I think

you know we're fucking hot and cold isn't the real relationship most fans have with the musician an actor a fucking whatever an athlete don't you really kind of just a fan as long as they're good

you know they sold a lot of Sanchez jerseys okay and everybody loved him until he didn't start playing well and now everybody fucking hates him you know

I think that's that's more that's the reality you know so you don't sound well I don't know I don't know where that's coming from I don't really judge you but I do give a shit about the people who come to my shows

unless they have some sense of entitlement where they feel like you know I bought a ticket to your show and despite the fact that you then did a show so I already got my money's worth that I definitely deserve

more shit you know they don't consider the bonus round you know taking pictures and signing whatever the fuck they want they don't consider that like oh hey this guy's actually this guy technically doesn't even have to be out here

and he came out here most people appreciate that oh glad he came out you know thank you for coming out right that fucking little tit for tat thing those people who fucking sit there and they come up hammered and they have like you know signed 500 fucking things and I want to have a 20 minute conversation

with you despite the fact there's another 40 people sitting behind you who also have jobs and shit to do and when I say I'm sorry there's other people and then you flip out and say that I'm some pre-medonic cunt yeah I don't give a shit about them I hope I answered your question sir you have me wondering

what I need to go redo my fucking website maybe update some more fucking photos you know look there's people out there there's comedians out there who are funny and are really good at recording themselves and have really interactive websites that you're looking for I hate to say

you stopped at the wrong kiosk because I'm kind of not that guy alright okay there we go alright hey you know what why don't we drop out of that we'll do a little bit of all things comedy everybody would you like

to know what's going on on the all things comedy network the podcasting network that I was started by myself Al Madrigal and a couple other people's there um that will eventually take over the podcasting world

here's some updates Tom Segura absolutely fucking hilarious um tell you this guy is gonna be one of the guys alright he's doing an hour long comedy special December 4th at Flappa's comedy club in Burbank a great old school comedy club

in Burbank plenty of parking not a bad seat in the house he wants the club packed please um let's see he says please extend an offer to be placed on Tom's guest list tell your audience to email Tom at Tomseguraatme.com

it's T-O-M capital S-E-G-U-R-A at me.com and how many tickets they want and be sure to write December 4th in the subject line so I guess these are free tickets you guys want to go to a free show

great up and coming comic here telling you gonna be one of the guys free show Flappa's comedy club December 4th email Tomseguraatme.com how many tickets you want with December 4th in the subject line alright couple other ones um

Randy from the Bone Zone the Bone Zone a new podcast added to all things comedy on a recent episode he had the creator of the Cartoon Network show Adventure Time Penn Ward as a guest if you'd like to listen to that big baron of the walking room

his band the reigning monarchs uh start an indie go-go campaign to make a record tomorrow will be going on for the next 45 days if you could plug that would be awesome if not I'll hang myself okay that was the part he wrote hahahaha

anyways go to all things comedy baron's fucking hilarious and check that shit out okay and that is it alright now back to the fucking spoil wait I gotta read a little fucking advertising here I gotta grease the uh grease the palms here what do we got here what do we got here

oh Stamps.com everybody um egg you wanna stop going to the post office and would you just like to be able to do everything you do in the post office at home just go to Stamps.com you can avoid all the hassle man of going to the post office during the busy holiday season oh yeah this is even more of a bonus

you don't wanna be going down there cause you know you're gonna shop late then you gotta ship all your crap back to these people you don't even care about okay wanna be nice to not have to stand in line to do that everything you wanna do at the post office you can do right from your desk or at home sitting in your pajamas

you can buy and print official US postage using your own computer and printer print postage for any letter or package the instant you need it then mail then the mailman picks it up so easy and convenience I use Stamps.com to send all of my DVDs to any of the road gigs that I have

you should do it too right now B-U-R-R no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer includes a digital scale and up to $55 in free postage so given you 55 bucks during the holiday season so don't wait go to Stamps.com before you do anything else

click at the microphone on the top of the homepage and type in burr B-U-R-R that's Stamps.com enter burr B-U-R-R okay back to the podcast so alright here's a thing I got a bone I have to pick

hey you know something I really came down hard on the jets I know a lot of your fans didn't leave you guys are the real fucking fans and towards the end of that game if you looked around if you really want to see the real fans yeah if you were still fucking there and not wearing a Patriots jersey I always hate people who fucking leave early

when your team's taking an ass kicking from the other team because then the other team's fans get to like air quote take over your stadium you should never let that happen okay you should have them walking out with their heads down nervous that they're going to get beat down

by 60,000 fucking fans that's what I feel alright okay as always okay we fucked with the east coast now how about the west coast did you guys see Kobe Bryant the other night I forget who the fuck they were playing they lost another game

things aren't going well out there so there's 10 seconds left in the game you know there's no way the Lakers can come back to down like by 8 or 9 or something like that so the other team has the ball they get it inbounded they're at half court and they're just standing there dribbling it out alright

and you just stand there you wait then the horn blows and then everybody just goes and shake hands then you go in the locker room well Kobe you know he had scored 30 points that night and evidently thought he was God's gift to fucking everything he just walks off the court left his teammates there

right one of the most diva fucking things I've ever seen in my life just fucking walks off court with the whole hey I scored 30 points I don't know what's wrong with the rest of you totally setting himself

apart just an absolute fucking cancer right so I'm watching ESPN going hey let's see what they're gonna do is they finally gonna fucking criticize this guy Steven A. Smith who I love who will rip somebody a new asshole

whenever it is deserved he goes on and he goes and they go Steven A. Smith what do you think about that how he just walked off you see Dwight Howard looking at him like are you serious what do you think about that and Steven A. Smith was just like well Kobe Bryant has a very high basketball IQ

which I don't even know what that fucking means he has a very high basketball IQ so what does that mean but he can't use a fork you know I mean the guy has been the best guy in the league for like what 10-12 fucking years but whatever he has a very high basketball IQ

and this is just evidence of the level of frustration the man is feeling about the current state of the situation I mean Paul Gasol he could not hit a shot and he starts ripping all the other fucking Lakers that's the type of shit I can't fucking stand just sitting there

kissing the ass of a fucking star Kobe Bryant is a fucking cancer the guys he ran Shaq out of town you know they won three fucking titles and he still wasn't happy he goes right go remember that Shaq gone goes to Miami won a title there's another one

the Lakers could have got that year you know don't want to win I'd rather have it all be me it's all about me right he should have been benched benched for the first quarter of the next game and this is the same guy

that they talk about in the same breath is Michael Jordan the Magic Johnson the Larry Birds let me tell you something those guys never would have done that shit it's fucking ridiculous fucking ridiculous that guy can you imagine that now you got to go walk in the locker room

after Kobe just left left you out there like yeah you guys all suck go fuck yourselves and then you got to walk into the locker room and you what you can't say anything to him you know what they should have they should have fucking gone in there

and all of them just hung him by his fucking shorts give him a big wedgie hahaha hahaha how high would that hook have to be I mean what is he fucking 6'8 I mean what give me a fucking you just walk out

and then Stephen A. Smith doesn't say anything about it he just starts talking about how smart he is at the game of basketball and how he's really frustrated like the other Lakers aren't frustrated let me ask you this Laker fans how many fucking this is a great thing about Laker fans too

these fucking morons the very next game will be chanting MVP a guy whose run coaches out of town ran shack out of town fuck the team out of another fucking championship most likely hit shack in his prime

that's another thing too this fucking guy has had the Lakers organization he hasn't by the short hairs hasn't by the fucking balls he does whatever he wants to do it's embarrassing then Tony should have sat him he should have walked

right in the locker room just like Kobe what the fuck was that you know this is a team you're not playing the first quarter tomorrow night hey I don't want to hear it shut your face for once in your fucking life do I have to say it in Italian too and you know what

he'd be a better player because of it they should have a team meeting and address his cuntiness you know you know he'd get all emotional you know what he does when he puckers up his lips you know like he did

when they got beat by the pistons or he got beat nothing the conference finals or that skank out in fucking Denver said the shit he said about him he did that thing with his lips that's what he would do Kobe you're kind of a cunt

start making that face look the guy's a beast he wants to win I totally respect that you don't do that to your fucking teammates and Steven A. Smith you know what shame on you you have a very high broadcaster IQ you know what the fuck

he did and you know why you didn't hold his feet to the fire then you go at fucking power saw you go up to the guy who looks like a giant Kenny Loggins come on I don't know I don't like that I don't like that star ass kicks it because you know what happens is if you shit on him

then you can't get the interviews anymore you know what I mean or maybe he played some sort of pickup game at your son's 8 year old birthday party and you don't want to jeopardize that for the 9 year old birthday there's just something going on there where I couldn't fucking believe it I'm gonna start with 10 seconds left

fuck all you guys this wasn't my fault it's your fault what else could it mean you guys take the fucking loss you take this embarrassing loss I'm above this and Steven A. Smith hey here's a very high basketball

oh my god disgusting it was borderline offensive I never get offended alright now Bill my name is Stephanie Malazi okay

why did I just read your fucking name well you know what you said it my fiance and I are fans we saw him in New York in New Haven I'm looking to find more information regarding booking Bill for my wedding

in 2014 alright now this email was sent to me I would think that this gig was funny and was beneath me but 2014 is a long ways off so who knows what could happen you know

there's no way I would ever work a wedding because just out of respect for your grandmother and everybody else who's gonna be there and you know what I mean but I'm definitely not above it a long time ago I got a trashing from the late great

Patrice O'Neill, Kevin Hart, Rich Voss Jim Norton, Murderer's Row Keith Robinson everybody trashed me because I was basically debating whether or not I was gonna do this gig

the gig was basically I think I told this before but just for new listeners I'll go through it real quick the Yankees were playing the Atlanta Braves in the fucking World Series I'd never been to a World Series game and so they called up the comedy seller

and they wanted two comedians they wanted two comedians to do this fucking gig which was basically they had rented two buses and they were gonna drive up to the stadium and they wanted a comedian to do stand up on the bus and they offered it to me and Jim Norton

and me and Jim sat there going like I don't know are you gonna do it I don't know it's gonna be rough but we both wanted to go to the game so unbeknownst to me he told Estee he wasn't gonna fucking do it and I was still hemming and hawing about it and I made fun of his shirt and he said whatever bus boy and the whole

fucking table stopped and everybody was like what and he goes Bill Burris doing a fucking gig on a bus to get a World Series ticket and there just wasn't enough time for me to try to explain well I'm just contemplating it they offered it to him and he said it was over and I took

a fucking about a 50 minute pounding 50 minutes straight like a headlining set of just getting trashed and um so anyway so they sent this fucking and you know what I actually I didn't end up doing the gig but still I don't I don't think the gig was that bad

a gig that would have been such an easy fucking gig you just get on the bus and you just trash the Yankees and when you run out of shit you make fun of somebody like hey look at look at the tits on her that's all you'd have to do you make fun of yourself this has got to be the

you know a lot of you are probably thinking this is a horrible this is one of the greatest gigs you just make fun of that this is actually a good gig in your career you could be drinking with them having chants fuck the Yankees fuck the Yankees just getting him to yell at other people on the side you could just

anything to distract you just fill a buster for a fucking 20 minute ride up there and you go to World Series Game for free I stand by it I stand by it I still don't think it was a bad gig although the person who did the gig but he was less experienced than me who actually

maybe I'll have him on the podcast someday he actually has his own TV show right now see that and I don't so there was magic on that bus he actually did it and I finally I told him I took the pounding

and uh you know took it like a champ just sat there and took it fucking killed killed me for 50 fucking minutes and I never gave up his name I was like that guy in casino getting his eye popped out I didn't even bring it up that I actually

I could have just said I'm not doing the gig I gave it to somebody else or maybe I hadn't given it to him at that point had I I can't remember I just remember in the end I was still going to do it until it finally had died down and patrice just said to me Bill he goes I will stand

in front of that bus you can't do that gig alright you want to go to the world series buy a ticket and I was just like wow I guess I should have some sort of fucking self-esteem smash cut the fucking eight years later 10 whatever how many years it is

and being offered a wedding gig um yeah I'm going to say no just because even even if uh you know I needed to fill the calendar it's just like it's your wedding day you want it you want it to be nice you don't want somebody going I mean you just saw my act you saw what

I talked about I'm talking about the fucking apocalypse and people eating puppies I mean you really want me to I don't have like a wedding set that's what you're asking me I really wouldn't know I really wouldn't know what to do

so uh but I'm great I'm glad that you had a good time that new haven gig was this shit and that's something I definitely want to do again like I said I want to come back for the Harvard Yale game go to a home game there and I just want to listen into some of the conversations and who knows I'll probably be sitting next to uh

one of the future president or maybe someone who's in the future will be the guy who has the on high like cloaked robe before he stabs a virgin at some sort of Bilderberg cookout um alright apocalypse hello billiam

I am a dedicated podcast listener I've noticed your recent musings on preparing for the apocalypse buying guns I haven't done any of it I just think about doing it and then Nia just looks at me and just shakes her head like you're out of your fucking mind uh buying guns learning how to

hunt and survive when the inevitable human population bubble bursts and we run out of food and water uh well I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon it eventually will happen and it may very well happen within my lifetime okay well I guess you plan on living a long time then sir

um because I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon but probably in my lifetime wouldn't you think you know in the overall history of how long man has walked the planet and woman that that's kind of soon we've been around how long we've been around

100,000 years I don't fucking know we haven't been around that long have we Jesus was on walking the earth 2,000 years ago he didn't have an iPad look what the fuck he did they went to kill him

did they did they use lethal injection or electric chair they tied him to a fucking steak if you believe in that stuff you know I'm not trying to offend anybody some people don't believe it even happened some people only believe that the guy even existed some people think it was

just all made up I'm not trying to offend anybody you know anyways like you I grew up in a big city with middle class parents relatively sheltered and didn't learn a lot of the basic survival skills as a kid

as an adult with children I think it's vital capitals vital that they learn basic fundamental skills of survival building a fire making shelter hunting etc I picked up hunting as an adult and I have to say it has changed my understanding of the

natural world man's role as a predator on the planet how we evolved where we fit in etc I cannot underscore the appreciation you will have if you actually get out there harvest your own food you have to use the word harvest when you're killing a living thing

that's really creepy to me just say fucking blow the brains out of a fucking elk prepare it and then feed yourself and your loved ones it's an experience someone who sees the world as you do will surely appreciate yeah I think that's awesome

what am I gonna do am I gonna go shoot a fucking deer and then tie it to the front of my Prius and drive back down to LA do you understand what will happen to me how fucking liberal it is out here I'll get fucking stabbed to death with horseshoes on Hollywood Boulevard

hahahaha um if you want to get really back to basics you should learn to hunt without a gun I actually think that's cool hunting without a gun is great you said bullets make life easy I keep the bullets for

for people you said bullets make life easy but when the shit really hits the fan you're gonna need to save those bullets and all likelihood to protect yourself from yeah from other people actually already read that so maybe his idea was already in my head don't kid yourself the most dangerous animal on the planet is a hungry human

who wants what you have forget about lions bears etc they don't compare yeah it's goddamn right I don't live next to a lion but I live next to a bunch of human beings um learn to hunt with a bow and arrow the arrows are recoverable and reusable

if you want to get really fancy have someone take you out to hunt with dogs or birds of prey or both dude I gotta say birds of prey freak me out they really freak me out they just uh they don't look um they're not domesticated I don't like how you gotta

put like that fucking special needs helmet over their fucking heads or else they'll I don't know what they'll do I don't like those talons it's like they got a butterfly knife attached to both foot they're like Freddy Krueger and just one day I don't know what's gonna happen

you know they confuse my face with some sort of red-chested robin or something I don't know claw out my eyes um and they always look angry like owls always look pissed off you know it's got that Dan Deardoff line right above

his nose his beak I mean um by the way just in case you think I'm a fringe wacko a wackadoo I'm a board certified physician and my wife went to both medical school and law school well that really didn't prove anything sir you just said that by the way if you think and you think

I'm crazy I also flew the space shuttle sir um well tell me how do I do it how do I learn how to hunt I want to you know I want to kill I want to kill a vomit I could kill a vomit um

could I though I'd have to be really hungry I know I could do it anybody could do it you just have to be hungry enough unless you knew about berries you know wouldn't that be the worst if you're fucking out in the wilderness right and

you don't know how to survive or hunt but you're with somebody out there who knows how to survive and is like a fucking vegan and you just sitting there eating nuts and berries and shit right sticking your face in a beehive trying to lick up some honey getting stung in the face like a god damn brown bear

instead of just killing a rabbit and you guys got to deal with this guy you know what happened eventually eventually you just you just you pick up a branch pretend it was like a walking stick and you just you'd club them over the head just in a moment of frustration and then have that

panic of being alone in the wilderness not knowing how to get out did I just pitch a short film um um you know I smoked a cigar last night and I got like third of the way through it and I was like I'm done with this fucking habit

now I got a stupid fucking what do you call those things humidor anybody want to fucking humidor you just want one you want to just take this fucking disgusting habit out of my life I don't want to do it anymore you know fucking horrific it's a horrific fucking habit you know how I know it is because

there's not a bad smell to a dog dog will walk up to another dog fresh pile of shit and stick his nose right in it and can have it there doesn't gag or anything alright if I'm sitting there with my cigar it won't come anywhere near me now what does that tell you

cigars smell worse than poodle shit okay alright the truth behind pink uh bill you should check out the the out of documentary titled pink ribbons ink it discusses the culture and popularity of breast cancer awareness month while exposing some of the

hypocrisy involved in case you don't watch it let me give you a couple of highlights so you can talk about the film without actually having seen it well thank you sir you got right down to the core of who I am give me the cliff notes what do we got here what do we got here um the woman that invented the pink

algorithm as a method to raise awareness quickly one of the most annoying phrases out there raising awareness could it be any more fucking vague they achieve it I am aware it's breast cancer awareness month I got it everyone's in the NFL is wearing pink

I am aware job done now nobody can fuck with all the money that you took in is that the loophole that's what I'm trying to guess then you go out and you buy a pink Bentley but they can't get you because it's pink right I'm raising awareness okay

and I spent this amount of money on this car to show how serious the problem is um raise awareness for breast cancer it was approached by self sorry the woman that invented the the shit was approached by the magazine self

a magazine aimed at the ladies and ST ST Lauder how do you say that ST Lauder that's one of those things I've heard people say at zillion times

in the early 90s to partner with these corporations knowing that these greedy cunts were only interested in the pink rhythm as a way to increase their bottom line the creator of the original pink rhythm refused to collaborate and told self in ST Lauder ST Lauder

to go fuck themselves so these corporate fucks created a pink rhythm that was technically a different color and the pink saturation began another interesting point the film makes is that companies like why did you have to pick ST Lauder I just said it right

ST Lauder there it is promote breast cancer awareness by turning pink the labels of products that contain carcinogens isn't that fucking hilarious uh of the money that buying all this pink shit raises apparently only 15% of it is used for

researching prevention of breast cancer most of the research goes to figuring out which cancer drugs work best for treating the disease once it occurs yeah and nothing preventative because the money is not in the cure it's in the treatment anyway check

out the movie pink rhythm ink it's available on netflix instant thanks for the podcast and all the free funny way you're welcome sir um yeah I mean I'm at that read that book that I'm reading uh I mean take it for whatever you want I mean obviously I'm not a nutritionist but the uh

that eat to live book where it talks about vegetables and that type of thing and uh and fruits and all the uh antioxidants and how it I don't know helps regenerate some damaged cells from all the shit that you do I really believe it just once a day if you just have

a giant fucking salad and eat a couple pieces of fruit you can offset all that other stuff because I gotta tell you there's no way I'm ever gonna 100% uh just never have a steak again you know what I mean sorry there's just some steer out there that's gonna have to

fucking die by the way why do they have that in the commercial why do they have a cow saying eat more chicken they don't feed your cows it steers and a steer is basically a bowl with its balls locked off as far as I can tell that's what I was told back in the day when I would do college gigs

and uh I would see both I'd randomly see a bull and I would see a bunch of cows and then I would see steer and I'd be like alright a bull's a male a cow's a female what the fuck is a steer and they've said it was a bull with the balls locked off so I what are they like eunuchs they don't hit

puberty I don't fucking know anyways um next question here on the podcast uh gyno gyno hey Bill what's what's your opinion on this my wife recently had a a gyno appointment I hate that just gynecologist

gyno makes it sound like it's all goopy and gross that's disgusting but that's what I think a gynecological appointment as a thoughtful husband I remembered so later in the day I casually

asked my wife hey how'd the appointment go she said the doctor said everything looks great I was incredulous I don't know what that means but I think it means you're upset he said I said what what did he say she said he said everything looks great

I said no no no no no no wait wait wait really what what what were his exact words she said those were his exact words everything looks great and he writes mother fucker are you kidding me Bill does that comment seem completely

unprofessional you I mean he's a freaking doctor he should have said something like everything looks in order or everything looks healthy these goddamn doctors remember that Doctor Mancini from Melrose Place he was a real SOB they're all like that especially these creepy gynos

what kind of guy becomes a gyno stop saying that word sir what the fuck is this what the fuck just popped up on my goddamn computer in the middle of a critical moment get the fuck out of here anyways get back plus my wife is very attractive and now he's telling her

that her pussy looks great the guy says hey I know her pussy looks great that's part of why I married her we're really fucking frost me though is that I had to pay this guy a $50 copay for his observation it's like he's laughing at me

anyway what do you think about all that I wouldn't mind Nia's opinion as well should I get involved here thanks don't mention my name you know what what you should do is just do what you just did to me because what you say

it is funny you just say it to your wife in a funny way and just be like what does this guy look like does he look like this Doctor Mancini from Melrose Place I don't know what he looks like but that guy sounds like a fucking sleazebag

you know why does he get to just look at you you know I had to buy you a ring I had to wine in Dynia to do all this type of stuff I actually love you and I only see it a couple of times a month you get on there for just something there's got to be something funny

because there is something actually I don't know women might not agree with this but there's something caring about this you know I see how much you know you're into your wife you know like some other guy just looking at it without saying something

you know ah shit my fucking phone who is this who is this and what do you want I'm in the middle of talking about gyno um yeah I think you know if your wife's a hot shit she'll get a kick out of it like that's the kind of thing that would make

uh that would make me a laugh if I ever said something like that oh yeah how long was he checking you out did he have you laying your belly hahaha yeah I got to check the other side of the uh the uh your vagina

just uh on your belly just laying your belly and sort of uh just point your your your buttocks they'd use like those those words so it didn't sound perverted you know at the ceiling um oh speaking of perverted I can't even get into this

let's just say earlier in the podcast I mentioned that I went to something and saw some people that I hadn't seen in a long time and uh let's just say uh some older creep from the faculty showed up for whatever

fucking reason you know there's always one there's always one um creepy okay overrated underrated um underrated uh going to your high school reunion

and um overrated getting fucking blitzed I think if you're like if you're five year you're ten year you can go in there and get a little bit fucked you definitely get drunk at your five year twenty five year you know get a nice little buzz going

plus uh you know I don't know if you like the kids you went to school with you want to be able to remember what the fuck you said you know anyways underrated having a tight ass for a boss doesn't such an asshole it's about twenty times worse to have a cool boss that cuts corners

and doesn't do their part yeah then the company goes under and then you're looking for work um overrated Bill whenever you see a list of the greatest movies ever made you will always see gone with the wind on that list right my family and I decided to watch it for the first time on Thanksgiving it was fucking

horrible it's basically a three hour movie about a self centered cunt throughout the movie you watch this bitch go dig her way through without any remorse for anyone else besides the protagonist being

unlikely unlikable the plot is fucking stupid it really has no point when the movie ended I yelled that's it that's the big fucking ending avoid at all costs none of us liked it uh I got it I have to watch it now

isn't that the one where he ends frankly my dear I don't give a damn that was basically the 1940s version of saying why don't you go fuck yourself you cunt alright you're gonna be old and your tits are gonna fall and then where you're gonna be huh your hair teased up on all those goddamn

noodles sitting here on the fucking plantation what are you gonna do then not even the non hired help will listen to you so go fuck yourself right there soon to be flabby tits okay if you're not coming with love all your guts is your looks okay there's

no Botox at this point in in in history you're finished alright so why don't you get over here and suck this dick while you still can and then and they roll the fucking credits alright neolog preview here everybody um this is sent to me

hey bill love the podcast back cataloging it like crazy thank you here's my fucking problem I got a roommate who was wonderful where buddies we watch stupid you know what fuck this I gotta make this I gotta make this larger this print is too small here we go I've actually

learned how to do this select everything uh go up here go from 12 let's make it fucking 18 like a grandmother there we go alright I got a roommate who's wonderful where buddies we watch

stupid shit and laugh together about it alright he's got this girlfriend who's a drain on everything that is fun in the world I'm not talking about the regular guy girl argument crap I mean everything quick example we were watching that BBC planet

earth series and we were just joking at the most beautiful shit in the world literally and all she could do is bitch about how ugly the birds word complain about David Attenborough's voice or get mad it's some animal just because it's killing another animal to fucking survive

after we finish she said she would love to be on the crew of a nature documentary shoot she's got no soul the guy loves her they've been together for over a year but it's so clear he can't stand to be around her they only ever argue

oh they only argue and not in that great way that you and Nia did in one of the podcasts where y'all laughed with each other it's unbearable and she's at my apartment five days a week yeah dude you know something I get it you're in a relationship but either move in with this bitch or let's have a fucking

two days here two days there you know you got eight home games a year you got eight away games in the NFL let's try to set it up the same fucking way so this is like baseball at some point you gotta have a fucking road trip okay there's sport anyways most nights I eventually

either drink or smoke or just so I'm not in the same world as her smoking who am I kid I want to talk to him about it but he's a really private guy we've never talked about his relationship stuff he tends to steer away from it it's becoming pretty

obvious that I can't stand this girl nor can any of our friends I'm afraid that she's gonna drive us apart then feast on his soul so she can try and find some kind of personality for herself how do you think I should approach this with this guy I got a right to complain to him about this girl

right gotta do it tenderly or something alright this is the deal I almost started singing when a man loves a woman but I'm not gonna do that to you but it's true okay when a man loves a woman

there's no other way to get into this point I can't believe I was able to say that without singing it even I as bad as I sing no I can't even you want me to do it alright love a woman

um there's no fucking way you can approach um the cunty things that annoy you about them what you have to do is just walk into another room and just like

literally just grab a pillow off of the couch after she says something you just walk in the other room you just go and then you just come back in and you go oh so what are you majoring in you just do that but

you do have a right as a roommate to have some sort of parameters alright the problem is is you've let it get out of control alright so here's the deal either this dude's gonna marry this girl or he isn't

okay he's gonna marry this girl your friendship is fucking over because he's with this colossal cunt you're gonna meet somebody else then eventually you're gonna get married you're barely gonna have time to see this person anyways even if you liked his wife

okay but the fact that she's a cunt she's just gonna fade out anyways okay so there's nothing to worry about there losing this friendship if he's gonna marry this girl it's fucking overdue okay it's a done deal alright

and if he's eventually gonna break up with her whatever you're gonna say to him now he's eventually gonna come around and he's gonna be saying all this shit that you're gonna say to him or want to say to him so you don't need to say it you just get what you really have to deal with right now is just trying to cut down the amount of time

that that fucking that hell cunt comes into your apartment five days a week dude I don't care if he even liked it just say listen I respect you and your relationship you know I'm really happy for you

you seem really happy but you know it's just uh this is fucking hard she's coming over here five days a week Ken is there any way you can kind of cut that in half couple nights over her place because I like to come out here

I like to smoke a fucking bong and I like to watch the fucking tv oh you can do that you can do that when she's here oh boy yeah but see I like to do it in a a country atmosphere there's no fucking way to do this

um you know what you're just basically gonna have to ask yourself what's more important to you your friendship with this guy or your your fucking uh you know your ability to fucking have a beer

and smoke a joint without this bitch fucking ruining your you know five nights a week okay I would suggest this okay if you still want to be friends with this guy you don't want to rock the boat then I would look for another place to live if you could which is fucking sucks you gotta pay to move but I'm telling you you're gonna be psyched

how old are you dude maybe it's time you should fucking live alone you know because you might jump out of this out of the fire and out of the fire into the what and out of the frying pan into the fire dude this is fucking rough I don't know how to just say listen dude

I don't know how to say this to you because I feel like however I say it you're gonna feel like I'm attacking you and that you know you're gonna say something to your girlfriend and she's gonna think that I don't like her which I don't just say listen she's coming over here five days a week

she's not paying rent you know I like hanging out watching tv you know I'm coming over here she's taking up half the couch I just need just can we cut it down to four days a week three days a week seven days I want to come out here in my underwear

rub my balls drink a fucking beer and watch the game I don't want to come out here dressed like I'm on father's nose best back in the day the fathers would walk around the house in a goddamn suit right you know what dude sometimes you just gotta burn a friendship

there's all different ways you can do that you can just be honest and just say listen dude if this fucking girl comes over here one more time so do you like mommy to cut it down to like three days a week no how about zero how about you break up with her

and realize you can get somebody better how about that you know I don't know sir that is definitely a rough one I gave you a number of options I would in no way say how you feel about that girl you can't do that

I mean you can but there's just gonna be ramifications to that but I would definitely try to get that you know try to get that number knocked down did I just say the same thing for fucking 20 minutes over and over again there's an hour for you

that's the Monday morning podcast for this week I'm gonna be at the Brea comedy club in Brea California let me get to my fucking website guys got me feeling bad about do you give a shit about your fans I hope you do

because if you don't it's really sad oh Jesus shows here we go I'm gonna be at the Brea improv November 30 December 1st and December 2nd alright Friday, Saturday, Sunday

of this week this is my last headlining gig of the year if your dream was to see me at some point in 2012 this is your last chance I guarantee you're gonna see a great show because I'm loving my act right now and

I took last weekend off and I'm chomping at the bit to get on stage and I got a bunch of new fucked up shit that I want to talk about and I watched something the other night that I got really inspired by I actually watched the documentary of the making of Michael Jackson's Bad

and it just made me feel like I don't work nearly you know I don't work hard enough it was really fucking inspiring and also killed me as I got off at that subway stop where they shot the whole dance thing for bad and it's weird it's like you come down the stairs

and there's a middle level and then you go downstairs again and the amount of times I ran through there trying to fucking catch a train and didn't even look around I wonder if I looked around I wouldn't have noticed it it would be like nobody in there if it was a bunch of people I don't think I would have noticed but if I was there late at night and I was looking around

making sure I wasn't gonna get jumped you know I wonder if I would have noticed I probably wouldn't have I probably wouldn't even have noticed if I was fucking coming down with my iPod listening to the song Bad I would walk right by

anyways alright that's the podcast for this week thank you everybody for listening I hope you had a great Thanksgiving and that is it thanks to the person who organized the high school reunion like I said I don't name names here I had a great time

and I think I'm gonna go to the next one alrighty that's it go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week okay I'm glad to know Tell me who am I without you by my side Oh it's my life

I'm glad to know Tell me who am I without you by my side Tell me who am I without you by my side you

you you you