Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-29-18

Episode Date: November 30, 2018

Bill rambles about gutters, buying a tree, and alternative was to imbibe.

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I'm just checking in on ya! It's fucking cough, man. I don't know what's going on. Dude, there's something going round. I heard about it. Dude, you hear that about that guy in Swamscott? I heard he fucking, dude, the fucking guy died. He had the fucking sniffles. He went upstairs to bed and he came up there and the fucking guy was dead. There's always those stories around Europe, around Europe, around winter. This time of year, right? Europe. I'm thinking about my Euro dates. I might as well tell you, listen to this shit. The following cities in Europe for my European tour have sold out. Munich, Offenbach, Riga, Eureka, Vienna, Liverpool, London, Copenhagen and Helsinki.

A second show will be added at the Royal Albert Hall in London. More shows in other cities, if second shows, if we feel that we can sell them, they will be added. Alright, there you go. Okay, and the Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit, February 19th, 2019. Jim Gaffigan. Fucking Rich Voss, myself and a bunch of other people that are on the shit in front of me. Big J. O'Kerson and little Bill Burr. We're all going to be down there. It's going to be tremendous. Alright, plowing ahead here. Yeah, I don't know. Everybody in my fucking house is sick right now.

And I got to go to New York because I'm doing a benefit on December 1st in the city. I tweeted about it and I forget where the fuck it's going to be, but should be a good time. Music and comedy, extravaganza to help people with, I don't know what, I never fucking know. They just ask and I say, alright, I'll do it. I'll do it. Then you make the bad mistake as a comedian as you don't find out what the benefit's for before you go on stage and then you end up doing a fucking joke about it. What is this? Is this a benefit for cancer? Yes, it is. Oh, sorry. Sorry. I should have looked in. I should have looked in before I fucking, you know, before I started doing my shit. I apologize. I apologize.

So, you know, it's funny. One of my relatives asked me, what's on your Christmas list? I should have talked to him about this speaker thing. I should have asked. We were taping an uninformed. I should have asked him what exactly it is that I need. Like where the problem is because right now I just hold it, you know, like a fucking suicide bomber where you got to take like your thumb off the thing and then you blow up. That's the way I got to hold it to be able to hear shit and I think it's going to affect my performance. So anyways, I was sleeping so soundly. All right, I went to bed early. I ate great. I had no booze. None of that bullshit. I fucking just went to sleep.

And I was sleeping so soundly and I am awoken to this noise that sounds like literally like God's alarm clock. It was just going. Right. So I'm like, the fuck is that right? And I open the window, you know, I go over. I'm going to open up the window. And I'm like, it's fucking outside. So I go outside. Fucking. I don't know what at the power box, the power box, whatever the side of my house where it says, you know, high voltage and all of that shit.

I just walk up to it and it's just like, yeah. I don't know what the fuck happened. And then right as I walked up to it, it just stopped. And I went inside and you know, nothing has happened since. So I'm going to go out on a limb and I want to say that somebody should take a look at that thing. It was raining out. I don't know what happened. I heard sirens down the street. Somebody probably slammed into a fucking pole or something. I don't, I don't know. Because last night, you know, before I went to bed, you know, I was driving home from the comedy store and I saw like fucking three fire trucks down the street.

And I made a left before I got to them and shit. And I don't know, you know, it rains a little bit out here and people just fucking slam into trees because it never rains out here. So all the oil and antifreeze and fucking just shit is just on the road and all it takes is a little bit of water and it gets slick as hell. And plus people aren't used to driving in it, I guess, and they just fucking crash their cars. So anyways, evidently, I stared down this electricity and it got self conscious and stopped making the fucking noise. And then I get in my house and then, you know, it's the first rain of the year. So I got to go up on my roof and make sure there's no fucking problems. And you know, and one of the gutters was clogged up just because, you know, we got trees out here and shit falls in there. It rains and pours out here just like the song. So fucking cleaning out the goddamn gutters.

And I almost fucking fell off the roof. There's a split second, you know, because I didn't want to get wet. So I was crouched down. I wasn't leaning back. I was just sort of crouched down and I was reaching forward. And I was like, what the fuck am I doing? And I had to do that quick math like, Bill, what would you rather do? Would you rather get your clothes wet and have to throw them in the hamper? Or would you like to die or be paralyzed? So I laid down on the roof, you know, and I fucking cleaned all the shit out because that's what I do.

That's the thankless fucking work you do as a dad. And nobody appreciates it. You know, you make sure the water gets away from the foundation. You know, you do those types of things for, you know, I don't know the roof over the year fucking head. No, maybe I'm just spoiled, you know, because I tell a joke and everybody laughs, you know. You guys give me an at a boy every fucking 10 to 12 seconds or whatever. 8 to 10 if I'm killing. Maybe that's what the fuck it is. But now I have to get some goddamn electrician come over, figure out what the fuck that thing is about.

My front door lock is fucked up. It's just like, it's just never ending. You know, I don't know the fuck the American dream was you wanted to own a house, but I swear to God, it's just, it's never fucking ending. Plus, but there's another way to do it. There's other people, they just live in a house and when something breaks, they just deal with it. You know, those kinds of people, they buy a car and they don't get it fixed ever. They don't get the fucking, you know. Remember back in the day, they'd have those sports cars with the lights flipped down and flipped up and one would just be up and they would just drive around and be okay with it. You know, I always thought that that was like a ridiculous sign of a loser. Like this guy's a fucking loser. I know he's got a Corvette, but like he's living beyond his fucking means. You know, unless it just happened, how long are you going to ride around with that fucking things looking up like that?

The beautiful lines of that car and you're fucking it up with that and just, I would watch people who drive me nuts. Your parents are always like that. If something broke in the car, they just fucking, they never got it fixed. I don't get that. Bill, are you really mad about this? I don't think so. I don't think so. It's just I was sleeping soundly and then, yeah. My daughter was still asleep and fucking woke her up and it's just like, you know, I don't know. Can I just have one fucking day where I get, I mean, I feel like I got eight hours though. Always I sleep and well. I was sleeping so good. Oh God, I was so fucking great. And then I just woke up. I was like, what the fuck is that? What the fuck is why? What is that? Is that what the alarm in the house sounds like? Is there a serial killer in the house? Can he give me another five minutes to sleep? You know that shit when you just fucking lay in there in bed? You just don't give a shit?

I vaguely remember my Nia coming in and waking me up last night. As your wife does, you know, you sleep and soundly. I wake up and she goes, was that the house alarm? Did you hear that? And I went, no. And I did hear it. It's just like, I'm not fucking going downstairs for the nine millionth time with that softball bat going down the fucking stairs just to find out that a fucking window in our old ass house, you know, blew open a little bit. Then I woke up feeling guilty like I should have done, but I was just asleep. I was sleeping so fucking well. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. So old freckles. I mentioned on my on the Monday morning podcast, I was going to be on the Joe Rogan experience. There ended up being a little confusion on the booking. So instead it's going to be December 20. And which will be cool because I'm going to hang with Joe a couple of times before that and give us some some shit to talk about because I hadn't seen him in a while just because I've been doing the road and he's been doing his stuff. So that got rescheduled. And I also said I was doing Dice Clay's podcast. I wasn't. It was somebody else's podcast. I fucked the whole thing up.

But I did call in spit and chiclets on Barstool. So I did. I did do that right. And I also said that F is for family was coming out today and it is and it's coming out tomorrow, the 30th. So I basically I fucked everything up. I apologize. So anyways, Hey, what the fuck is that now? Anyways, next week, I am going to be on. I'm going to be on Seth Meyers show on Tuesday of next week promoting efforts for family. And then I'll also be at the Gotham Comedy Club. Doing a show with Paul Verzi and Sam Jay. It's going to be awesome Christmas in New York will be suck. It'll suck because I'm with my family and shit. But Bing Bang Boom real quick out and then right back and

I'm back on the diet. I'm not boozing been dry for five days bored out of my mind, but obviously sleeping well until my fucking side of my house starts buzzing. But I've decided that I'm going to get in great shape again. Like I did the end of August and then Labor Day came and I made a couple of burgers had a couple of beers and I just then I had six weeks on the road and I just fucking put it almost all of it back on. But now I've turned the ship around and all freckles is head back. Last time I was able to get four abs four out of eight. I got halfway there. You know, you don't feel like you ever watched the American Ninja Warrior and there's that fucking guy every year. The last year he couldn't get past the fucking trapeze and then he gets past the trapeze. He's all excited. Then he does a face plan on the next fucking.

Whatever you call it, object, obstacle, whatever the fuck you call it. That's basically what I'm doing as far as trying to get in shape. But at least this time because I went to nutritionist nutritionist. I know how to I know how to eat. So I just been doing that and it got a minute once you lay off the booze. It's fucking. It's all good. It's all good. So I go home and I put my new show on me TV. I watched the Untouchables. And as an episode of I watched the other day had a young Carol O'Connor who played Archie Bunker on it. It's just the it really is the shit. And you know, I got my Christmas tree already fucking amazing already got my Christmas tree. I was sitting there going, you know what, I want to get a good one this year. I'm going to knock that out before I go to New York. Make sure, you know, my wife waters the fucking thing. And so I go down there and it's just classic LA why I love LA and why it can be annoying sometime.

I show up to buy a Christmas tree and there's some like, you know, fucking hot chick, right? This Asian chick just dressed ridiculously nice. Like she was going to go walk a red carpet, you know, high heels, makeup, the whole fucking thing, getting out of this shiny SUV. I'm like, what the fuck are you buying a Christmas tree like that? Then of course I look over the left and there's a guy with the fucking camera filming or there's some fucking reality show. I mean, like full makeup, the whole you think reality shows look fucking stupid when you watch him at home. You see one that's really being shot. It's just like, what the fuck? Who the fuck looks like that going to get a goddamn Christmas tree? And I'm standing there and I'm trying to find what I'm FaceTiming with my wife. What about this one? Well, it's just getting full enough, you know, going through all that bullshit. Then all of a sudden this other guy shows up. He's dressed like Little Bo Peeps. Where to God? But with like a beard and everything. This guy mini skirt tattoos on his legs and holding a selfie stick filming himself with full fucking makeup on.

And I was just like, all right, you know, this is, this is fucking LA, man. Will this cough ever go away? I think I might take some medicine. My wife had me go out and get some Robotussin. Now I've always been a Nyquil guy, you know. I gotta tell you, I cannot taste the fucking difference between the two of them. They get that red shit. It's almost like you'd rather die in pneumonia than fucking drink that stuff. And now when you go there to buy it, they actually ask for your fucking ID, which is really annoying. It's like, look at me, lady. Do you think I'm fucking, do you really think I'm 20? Look at me. I have to do it. You know.

Can you imagine like that's like how rock bottom you, how much fucking, I'm gonna look that up. I don't know how to spell Robotussin, but I'm gonna drink, look up Nyquil. The shit that I end up looking up on my fucking laptop because of this goddamn podcast. I can't imagine what cell watch list I'm on here. How much is that Nyquil in the window? Nyquil to get drunk. Right now they're all thinking this is a functioning alcoholic because he's drinking Nyquil to get shit-faced, yet he still somehow has access to a laptop and the internet.

All right, drinking copious amounts of Nyquil. Pros, a bottle comes with its own personal shot glass. All right, I already love this right here. I already love this. All right, what do we got here? All right, vodka tampons. What the fuck? What part of the internet am I on? Vaportini, vodka eyeballing and snorting. Dude, these people are fucking crazy. People don't do any of this, but let's listen to it for the comedy. Taking shots of mouthwash, wine ice cream. All right, I could do that.

All right, copious amounts of Nyquil. All right, pro. Okay, Nyquil, this nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing. How the fuck did I end up on the kitchen floor medicine? Okay, this is on spoonuniversity.com, by the way. A bottle comes with its own personal shot glass. This is the pros. Take a few shots, fight the sleepy feeling, and then you're in for a hazy, loopy, drunk slash high combination. It's kind of weird that you got to like fucking fight off going to sleep. All right, cons, you have to be 18 to buy it in most drug stores,

which is a big deterrent for the underage population of binge drinkers. Not a reliable way to get drunk. You might just end up passed out or worse sober. Yeah, people don't do any of this, especially if you're fucking underage. But for the comedy, I have to read this here. All right, tired of the wretched taste of booze. This is how they set this up. Like, no booze tastes worse. Bushlight doesn't taste worse than Nyquil. Simply drinking alcohol to get drunk these days is just so mainstream.

In the mood to potentially, they're probably just making fun of... They're making... Okay, I get it. They're being sarcastic here, so it's not wretched taste of booze. They're making fun of how wretched all this other shit is. Okay. In the mood to potentially take a trip to the ER or meet hot doctors, check out these alternative methods of imbibbing. For hardcore alcoholics only, not for the faint of heart. Disclaimer, in case you didn't get it, do not try any of these methods. Seriously, don't. Yeah, don't.

This is what lunatics do. Vodka tampons. All right, a good friend shows you how to soak your tampon in vodka for a quicker buzz. These are like little advertisements, like this is smart things to do, which it isn't. I have to keep putting that disclaimer out there before one of you dopes does this. Do not do this. Pros. These suckers were designed for more than just that time of the month in nosebleeds. Soak one up with your choice of liquor. Who am I kidding?

If you're trying this method, you're most definitely a vodka gal. They're supposed to hold a, about a shot's worth. Shove it up there to bypass your digestive tract and get drunk way faster. Doesn't it sting? Cons. Yawgov. You only got, you only get one vagina. Flooding this sensitive area with 40 proof liquor is bound to leave a wake of destruction. Your baby coming out drunk would be the least of your problems.

Ladies stick to fake tampon flasks. They sell it. I don't know what the fuck, okay, there's too many jokes here. Or what's a vapor teeny? No calories, no carbs, no hangover. Smooth taste and feel the effects of liquor much quicker. Since the alcohol bypasses your stomach, you could also bypass your liver. So that those with liver damage from too much drinking can once again partake. This doesn't make sense.

Make a boss smoking alcohol out of an orb with a metal straw. Oh, that's like that chemistry shit. Vodka eyeball snorting, eyeballing and snorting. All right, this is just dumb shit. All right, I'm done with it. Okay, I'm done. I'm done. I can't believe anybody would ever fucking do that. Pour alcohol into your fucking eye. That can't be right. Can I just do the reads here people and just, you know, I was in such a holiday fucking mood.

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That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash burr for him for Hymns dot com slash burr. And lastly, but not leastly, Dollar Shave Club dude. I don't know why I read that like that guy in Monster Mash. Dollar Shave Club has everything you need to look, feel and smell your best and never, and you never have to go to the stores. That's because they deliver everything you need right to your door and they keep you fully stocked on what you use so you don't run out. Here's how it works.

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Is anybody out there? Ever have a friend of yours that was just fucking Kojak bald like me and then out of nowhere, they came back with a full head of hair? How fucking weird is that? That's got to be weird. And I got to tell you right now, if you never, if you, if you don't have a friend that did it, you're going to have one in me. Consider you guys friends. I'm going to fucking do it, man. I'm going to get some astroturf glued to the top of my head. Let me see this completely bald, um, hair restoration.

Oh God, you know what he fucking adds. I'm going to get the sidebar. I'll give a fuck what I'm hair restoring. The entire hair plant surgery is hair transplant surgery. Can a bald person receive a hair transplant? This is Bosley. Obviously they're going to say yes, they want your fucking money. Oh, why don't you just go to images, images.

That guy was not completely bald. Okay, this guy was really bald. And now he's got the conor McGregor. These guys, they just always look. Ah, that guy looks good. It always looks just a little weird. But these guys have good heads. I don't know why you just wouldn't fucking shave the goddamn thing.

Fuck it. Right? Oh, that's that tattoo that people get on the top of your head. You keep your hair buzzed down. No, they still don't have it down. They still just don't have it. Wow, they're a lot of famous people. Oh my God, what the fuck happened to that guy?

Hair transplant gone wrong. Jesus Christ looks like he took a fucking hatchet to his head. Nah, that's bullshit. That can't be real. You know people, why do people feel the need to lie so much on the internet? Have you ever wanted that? Is that something? Hair transplant's gone wrong.

I have discussed hair transplant. I'm not reading. Fuck year is this. Hair, trans, plant, law, suits. There we go. Boom. Images. Oh, Jesus.

Let's see what we got here. Hatchet head. They got old hatchet head keeps coming up. Man, there's a lot of people. A lot of celebrities were starting to go. You saw Brian Urlacher did it. Brian Urlacher looked great bald. Oh, Jesus.

Look at that. Bad hair plugs. Yeah, dude, this is neat. Can I tell you something? Every time I think about doing this shit, I look at these pictures and like, I'm not fucking doing that. Oh my God.

Look at these fucking jack-o'-lantern looking sons of bitches. Oh, there's a good one. That guy. Yeah, this guy got a good one. Are you guys really listening to me googling this shit? What the fuck am I doing? Can we get back to the goddamn show? Anyways, you don't need us people.

I did fucking back-to-back episodes of Uninformed with Joe DeRosa. And I am fucking, I'm one of the few times in my life, I'm a little talked out. I am. I'm just a little fucking talked out and I'm fucking starving

and I want to go get something to eat, but my wife is fucking pissed at me right now. Because I flipped out about something really important, you know? Like, I don't know what the fuck, I don't know what the fuck, it was one of the deals where I was right and then I flipped out

and then I became wrong as always, you know? Then I tried to walk away and then she wants to fucking, let's just sit down and discuss it like fucking a regular person. I'm like, I'm not a regular person and I'm already heated, so you gotta let me walk away.

You know, she wouldn't let me walk away, you know? It's gotta get out of the way! It's gotta get out of the way! One highlight. Huh? Tommy LaSorta, New York Yankees, Reggie Jackson leaning into that ball accidentally according to him. Anyways, I...

Jesus, I'm always in the fucking doghouse. Anyways, I want to thank everybody for listening today. Thank you to everybody who's been buying the Patrice O'Neill tickets. They're going even faster than usual. Every year they go by fast for the benefit. Thank you for that.

And thank you to everybody that's joining my Patreon page. We have all the backstage footage of my arena shows at the Forum, the Boston Garden, and Madison Square Garden. Me walking off Madison Square Garden is arguably the coolest moment of my life. Not the most important.

I had a kid get married and shit, but like the coolest moment of my fucking life, because the show could not have gone better. And I talked to the audio guy today and we got the audio. There's no problem. And I'm hoping to be releasing that on vinyl after my next special,

because there'll be too much overlap in the material. But I'm very anxious to hear the audio, because I want people, when they listen to it, to feel like they're at the fucking show. And I'm not gonna lie to you, it was a good one. So, that is it. Enjoy the music here.

And we'll have another half hour bonus material from a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. With Thursday gone by years and years ago, or I don't know, a couple weeks ago. I don't know how it works. All right, I'll see you guys. Many guys have come to you

With a line that wasn't true And you passed them by Passed them by Though you're in the syringe And their lines don't mean a thing Why don't you let me try Let me try Now I don't wear a diamond ring

I don't even know a song you sing All I love is la la la la la la la la me I love you Oh baby please love La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la So, anyways, we gotta go get the Christmas tree. So, for the last two years, I have to admit something to your people. All right?

I have been going down to get these fucking Christmas trees, and I've been getting the traditional Christmas tree, and we all know what it looks like. All right? It looks like someone on the biggest loser about four weeks in. That's what a Christmas tree is supposed to be. About that full. You know?

But there's these other Christmas trees that I noticed. Not the scrawny ones, but they are minimalist Christmas trees. Where you can see the entire trunk, and it's like, they still have the branches, but they're, it's very like symmetrical. It looks fucking cool as hell.

Clean looking Christmas tree. Right? It looks like one of those trees in like the Dr. Seuss books. You know? So I go, you know what? Fuck this. I'm gonna get something different. I like this tree.

It looks fucking cool. I think the ornaments are gonna hang off it much better. You know when you get one of those full trees? You know this? Yeah, it's just, it's a fucking pain in the ass. And then the end of the goddamn, you know, Christmas season, if you're not a dick and you just don't throw it out the side of your car like a fucking some, you know,

some piece of degenerate gambler that owed you money. I said have it by Tuesday! And then you just throw it out the fucking car, right? If you actually do it the right way and you saw it up, it's a pain in the ass and makes an unbelievable mess. This thing, you know what it's like? It's like you ever walk into like, like when I'm out with Nia,

we go out to one of her clothing stores and if it's like a corporate place, the place is just jam-packed with shit. But if it's like privately owned, they go out and they buy these individual pieces. They'll buy a couple of sizes of each things that they like and you go in there, you pray to God that they have your size and you go in and it's very minimalist.

That's the sort of Christmas tree that I bought. And, you know, Nia's a fashionista, so I thought she would like it. So I bring this Christmas tree in and the second she looks at it, because I think she's going to be like, you know, like I literally just have like techno music on. Like I'm so far into the fucking future here.

The second she looks at it, all my confidence just drains out the bottom of my shoes. And I go, yeah, this is the Christmas tree. And she goes, oh, yeah? She goes, where's the rest of it? I'm like, no, no, that's the style. That's the style. It's supposed to look like that.

I go, doesn't it look cool? I mean, it looks like one of those trees in Dr. Seuss. She goes, yeah, she goes, I think it looks more like that Christmas tree and that Charlie Brown card. It's not, I feel like an asshole. So because I love the verbal abuse that you guys give me every fucking week,

I'm actually going to be dumb enough to send a picture of my Christmas tree. Now granted, it's naked. It's not all dressed up. It's not all dolled up. All right? It's like Charlie's Theron and that stupid movie monster

that rather than chastising her for being a murderous cunt, they actually made a movie that said maybe guys ought to look at themselves and treat bitches a little bit better before they go and start killing you after a blowjob. Wasn't that the message in the movie? That's the message I got.

So anyways, it doesn't have any makeup on, which I think should automatically give it a golden globe for being that courageous. It was so brave. It was such a brave performance. Just take a look at the Christmas tree. Tell me what you think. I think it looks fucking badass.

I love it. I fucking love it. And I stand by it, you know? I'm breaking a little tradition here. One for me. One for me. Let me hold you in my arms. Girl, I'll thrill you with my charms, I'm sure.

You will see. You will see. The things I will say now, too. And the way I explain them to you. Listen to me. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday,

November 29th, 2010. How the hell are you? Did you have a nice Thanksgiving? Did you? Did you hang out with all your family and all your friends? Were you sitting at the table with someone that you know this time next year?

You're not going to be together, you know? And you're just trying to just sit there and plow through the fucking meal. Going, God damn it. Why didn't I break up with this bitch before I came home? My fucking parents. Why are you asking her questions?

She's not going to be here next year, people. This is all a ruse, okay? She was fun to bang. We were having a good time. And I don't know what happened. It got out of control. And next thing you know, she wanted to come to this thing and I didn't have the balls to say no.

All right? I fucked up. I can tell you what. I'm not going to get sucked into buying her a fucking Christmas gift, okay? So you do the math. You know when the fuck Christmas is. We all know when it is.

It's on the fucking 25th. It's the 29th of November. And she's out. This bitch is out before Christmas. Because I'm not feeling it. Past the fucking porridge. Thank you. Jesus Christ, Nia.

I'm trying to do the podcast. Can you not distract me? Good Lord. You know something? You ever have a girlfriend who just does not appreciate your creative space? It's like you're sitting in here. You're trying to give people

something that they can enjoy for the week. And what do you do, Nia? You just come walking in here like this amazing thing that's happening isn't happening. Nothing. I don't get anything from you. You're just going to collect your little belongings

and then walk out of my life for a couple of hours? Where you going? In and out, Burger? Nino! All right, she's gone. No words of wisdom from her this week. She's annoyed. She's annoyed with me.

I've been traveling a lot lately, everybody. It's because the tax man. Whoa, the tax man! The tax man's coming my way. All right? And as usual, he's got his fucking hand out with the scowl on his face. So this is what always happens to me

at the end of the year, right before I take my month off. You know? To stare at my balls. That's what I do during my Christmas break. I take a month off. I just stare at my balls. You know?

Find my censure. Jesus, I'm going to fucking goofy goddamn move. You know, somebody hit my fucking car. Can you believe that shit? Well, yes, Bill. We can believe it. Thousands of accidents happen every day. All right.

So basically, I was sitting at a red light. Me and my lovely compadre. We were sitting there shooting this shit, you know? And all of a sudden, we just got hit from behind. And I see this woman. She's doing the gestures like, Oh my God. Oh my God.

I'm like, so sorry. All right. Was that you? I am like, so sorry. She's making those faces, right? At least that's how I'm reading it, okay? So then I go to pull over, and then she starts pointing to different places

where I should be pulling over, which is really fucking annoying me. It's like, listen, bitch, you hit my car. How about I get to make a decision here? You know? Like, maybe we'll pull over here. So we pull into this fucking jiffy loop. She gets out, turns out she's a fucking sweetheart.

She's a sweetheart, right? She's not a bad person. She's like, you know, my dog was jumping around. I went to go pick her up and I fucking rammed into you. So I look at my back bumper and it's got a nice little crease in it. You know what I mean? Like right down the side of Keith Richards face.

That's what I got. Like on, not on the side that you would see if you were standing behind it, if you were creeping up right behind my car, if you were going to fuck it for some reason and you looked down at it, that part of the bumper, the top part of the bumper. That's what I'm trying to say.

I looked at it, creased a little bit, whatever. You know? The fuck. I'm going to get a new bumper, you know? And then what? Some other person's going to hit me. It's LA people. It's the bumper cars out here.

It's impossible. I've done that a couple of times. I've gone out and I got my bumper replaced and literally a fucking week later, some asshole bumps into me. So I'm just like, fuck it. But what? We exchanged information and I go to leave.

And today, lo and behold, I go for the first time, I guess in a week, to open and close the hatchback and it's not closing right. So evidently, she hit it hard enough that it did a little more damage. So I took it over to the place to get an estimate. And of course, the guy's like, yeah, you're going to fucking replace this.

You're going to fucking replace that. You know, the gas tank, you know, it looks intact, but it's probably, you know, suffered some sort of trauma. So emotional trauma. So he tells me it's going to be around two grand, if not three grand for this bullshit. So I just had to call her back and just say, listen, I don't know if you got that kind of cash.

I ain't got that kind of fucking cash. So why don't you report it to your fucking insurance company? Because basically, both thought it was going to be a new bumper, which is like, you know, five, six hundred bucks, depending on whether or not the fucking mechanic wants to have a keg party that weekend, you know. And I don't know how to fix the shit. So all you guys are going to send emails.

Dude, there's no fucking way. I know there's no fucking way. All right, but I don't have time to find the fucking guy that's going to give me the, I think actually whatever, I have no fucking idea. I have no idea what it's supposed to cost. I drive a hybrid. It's half a fucking spaceship.

God knows what the hell's behind those plastic bumpers. But so that's my day. I just got off the beaten track. What the fuck is today? Today's the 29th of November. This is the Monday morning podcast. And I hope all you guys had a happy Thanksgiving. I apologize last week for the volume.

I don't know what happened. I don't know if I hit it or what, but I'm surprised I didn't get more than the 30 complaints I got for how quiet it is. So this week it's going to be nice and loud. Okay. So-called white man. So anyways, let's get through the podcast here.

I, what I do this weekend after Thanksgiving, you know what this podcast has? This podcast has a lot of momentum, but not a lot of funny. I'm just fucking, you know, you ever when you're drunk, when you go down a flight of stairs and you start the fall and you just like,

well, fuck it. I'm going in this direction anyways. So you don't even try to break your fall. That's basically how I've been doing this podcast. So I'm going to take a breath. I'm going to let it out. And I'm just going to fucking relax here. I'm going to tell you about my weekend.

I had a phenomenal weekend, everybody. Just sit back. Take your fucking scrunchie out. Let your hair fall down around your shoulders. Um, no, I went to a, uh, I did the more theater, the more, the more theater up in, uh, Seattle, Washington. And, um, I'm going to tell you a fucking underrated right now.

Seattle, Washington. That place is, uh, that place is the shit. And if you ever decided, you know, you didn't want to fucking go overseas. I'll go to some stupid fucking place just because it had palm trees. Uh, Seattle is a, is a, it's just a fucking awesome city. Although I got to tell you the weather is just as brutal as they say, you know, I have this new fancy phone.

I went out and got the droid incredible. And, um, it always has the forecast. And if it's sunny out, there's a sun. If it's cloudy, they just have a little, they have a cloud, the whole fucking weekend I was there. It was just this gray cloud on my phone. And I got to admit, after three days, it was really starting to fuck with me.

Um, and even when they actually, when you would look at the forecast and they would try to predict the next couple of days, they, they didn't have the balls to just say it was sunny. They'd always throw a couple of clouds in front of the sun just to hedge their bets. Um, but anyways, I did the, uh, the more theater up there with Paul Verzi,

uh, my gambling associates slash comedian buddy. Um, and man, I had a fucking great time. If you, if you listen every week, you already know this shit. If you're just tuning in for the first time, we haven't listened in a couple of weeks. The more theater is a legendary music venue. Up there in Seattle, all those grunge bands played it. Allison change, Soundguard, Nirvana,

Pearl Jam shot that video there for even flow. Remember that? When Eddie Vedder walked out and kind of fell off the balcony or whatever the hell he did. Uh, they were going bam, bam, bam, bam. Whatever the fuck they were playing. I never got into them until later on. I never liked that first album. Even Flow.

I never got into that shit. But anyways, so I went there and, um, I found out the theater is like over a hundred years old and it had three tiers to it. And the uppermost tier back in the day during, uh, segregation when they had the white section and the black section all the way up top there was the black section. And they hadn't really done any different, uh,

anything different to the theater, I guess. So they still had this separate, there's still a separate staircase to go all the way the fuck up there. And I got to tell you, because I'm history buff and that type of shit. I'm like, I got to see this. I got to check this shit out. So the guy takes us up there, man. It was fucking ridiculous.

You had to walk up like two flights of like, you know, 10, 12 stairs. And then it was just, it's like you're going up the beginning part of the Statue of Liberty before it becomes that spiral staircase. And it was like a fucking nine floor walk up. And you got like fucking six levels up. And literally your thighs are burning. You know, we started joking.

This right here is why you don't see any white running backs at the pro level anymore. We used to just walls right into the fucking theater with our fucking doughy white legs. And we'd sit down right at the lower level. Meanwhile, the black dudes had to fucking walk up like 200 fucking stairs. And they had to lean forward, you know,

to try to watch the show that strengthens the back muscles. It's a fucking workout just to watch some jackass go up there and go, Mammy, how I love you, how I love you, Mammy. You know, that's my fucking theory. Either that or we just suck. You know, it's funny, we actually went to a trailblazer this game Friday night, me and Verzi.

We had, who do we bet? We bet the fucking New Orleans. We bet New Orleans with Sean Paul. And they're watching it, right? And the fucking, the game keep, every time we're going to be winning our bet, Portland comes back, right? And then all of a sudden, New Orleans,

I'm sorry I'm fucking this story up because I keep thinking it's the Charlotte Hornets. The New Orleans Hornets. New Orleans comes flying down the court on this fast break and they dump it off to this white dude. And of course, he misses the fucking layup. And I swear to God, me and Verzi both looked at each other and then Unison went fucking white guy.

You know, and then we just started laughing. But it's true, it's like, get him off the court. You know, give him a ref shirt. Other than that, get him the fuck out of there. I got money on this fucking game. It's annoying, man. It's fucking embarrassing. I don't know what happened to us.

But I think something, something that has to do with that flight of stairs that I saw up there at the Moore Theater. That's offensive. I'll go fuck yourself. Have a merry Christmas. Anyways, I got to tell you that show that I did at the Moore Theater there in Seattle

was probably the best crowd. That was like the best crowd I've had since my stand-up special. And I've had some great ones, but I'm telling you, man, that it was, I just went, it was one of those shows where I just walked out and the first word, I felt like it clicked. Nia, you look gorgeous.

You look gorgeous. All right, go get him. Knock him dead. Break a leg. Kick their ass. Look him right in the eye. Tell him to go fuck themselves, but with your eyes. You know, read those sides.

You get my right and you get my left. I'm going to keep talking to you till you leave. I'm in the middle of telling a story here. Let me pick out the right earrings. They're earrings that go with this outfit. There's the jewelry box. Where's the bracelet? Oh, my God.

Does anything take longer than your fucking girl to pick out a shit and get out of the goddamn room? That's all. I'm trying to get you to yell at me, Nia, to add to the comedy. I told you that I had to come in here while you're doing your podcast, and you're like, I know.

Yeah, I know. But you know how I am. I'm going to add you to it. Am I supposed to act like you're not in the room? That's fucking weird. Like you're a guest? Like I'm actually doing this in a radio show? Get back here!

Ah, she's gone. All right, anyways. What the fuck was I talking about? Yeah, it was one of these shows like I went out there and I was ridiculously excited. You know, because I'm a music geek. You combine the fact that I'm a music geek and then I'm a history buff.

You combine the whole thing. It's a 100-year-old theater. Downstairs, it's all fucking cramped. They got these little doorways. You know, because back in the day, we weren't all hopped up on these fucking... whatever, the fucking horse tranquilizers they put into the chicken nowadays.

So now we're all like at least 5'11' for some fucking reason. You know? They had those little douchebags with the powdered wigs. 100 years ago, right? Actually, as people stop wearing powdered wigs, go fuck yourself. I know. I'm just saying. You ever seen those old pictures?

Those little runts sitting there making the fucking... the railroads are standing there with their evil fucking white guy racist mustache as the Chinese guys built it, right? At least they built it from San Francisco. All right, people, I'm a history buff. I didn't say I know the history.

I just sort of walk by it every once in a while. I read a couple of plaques in a museum. I'm that guy. Then I deliberately try to shoehorn the information. I just read it at a museum into whatever conversation is going on at a party. You know? I was kidding. I'm a fucking moron.

Anyway, so let's plow ahead here. So I was really excited to do the show and I walked out there and it was just from... I don't know, some shows you just go out there and from the first word, you just lock in with the crowd. And that's what happened. They were just a great crowd. Totally went along for the ride.

For some reason they didn't turn the fucking heat on in the building. I think that's what happened. I just started making fun of how fucking cold it was and then that just sort of opened my brain up. And I went off and I had a great time and I want to thank everybody up in Seattle who came out to the show.

So that was my weekend. Then I went to the Seahawks game on Sunday. And the fuck did I do? I'm fucking wiped out. I can't remember what the hell I did. Went to the Seahawks game with Verzi. That's right. We were walking to the stadium going, should we bet the fucking Seahawks? Or should we bet the Chiefs?

And both those teams have fucked me over the whole goddamn year. And we bet the fucking Seahawks. You know? I was just sick of going to games and rooting against the home team. I had a fucking heart like a fucking asshole. And the second I showed up and I saw Pete Carroll and his entire coaching staff

and those fucking khaki dockers. I don't know why they're wearing those things. You know, like they're going to go play the fucking Ryder Cup. It's football. And it was, the game started off awesome. First of all, it's the loudest fucking stadium, professional football stadium I've ever been to. And I think it's louder than even when I went to Michigan,

the big house. As far as I can remember, I'd have to go to a Michigan game again. It was louder than Ohio State. I think it was the loudest fucking football game I'd ever been to. It was unbelievable. I know you guys think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not bullshitting. First of all, they started off and every fucking week they have some guy come out there

and they got this big thing out there, the 12th man, which is the crowd. For non-sports fans, there's 11 guys in any given time when you're playing the game. 11 guys on defense, 11 guys on offense, that type of shit. So the 12th guy is the fucking fan. A little bit of pandering, but you know, these fans earn it. So to start the game, they have some fucking,

they just find some dude that's going to fucking ramp the crowd up to come out and raise the 12th, 12th man flag. Like we're going to goddamn, like he already conquered some shit. Alright, evidently earlier this year, on some sort of Veterans Day, they brought out some old guy who stormed the beaches in Normandy. He came out, he had his purple hearts and all that. And the poor bastard, it took him like 20 minutes to raise the flag because he was so old, but just the fact that the fucking guy stormed Normandy,

the place almost collapsed. People were flipping out. So the week we went, they brought the guy, I can't remember his name, that actor who was in Top Gun. Viper, I believe his name was, the dude who flew with Maverick's dad. That guy came out there. So they're playing the Top Gun music and all that. And it should have been cheesy, but it was kind of cheesy.

It was fucking hilarious. And that's a guilty pleasure. Everybody loves that movie. So the place is just going fucking nuts. And I'm feeling like, I'm feeling like we're going to win our bet. And then Kansas City gets the ball and immediately, first play from Scrimmage, Castle rolls out and just fucking throws one, 12 yards first down, right? And all of a sudden I hear this voice behind me and I just hear this guy just going,

the fucking Seahawks quarterback suck, right? And I turn around and it's this big, fat Kansas City chiefsman. And he was so fat you could just tell he knew about football. And this son of a bitch was right because they got burned the entire fucking game. I don't want to talk about the rest of it. So we ended up losing the money we won on the fucking Portland game. We ended up giving it back, but I don't know, it was still an awesome time. We ended up meeting some people from the show and they had these seats right down on the end zone.

So we fucking went all the way down for the second half. You're actually basically sitting on the field. And you know what sucked was Seattle actually scored a touchdown. They threw a bomb, this 50-yard bomb for a touchdown and I was in the suite taking a piss. And when I come walking out, as I'm walking out trying to see past all these people's stuff in their faces with nachos, I just see these male cheerleaders running around with those Seahawk flags, you know, out on the field. And the crowd's going nuts and I was like, you got to be shitting me. So other than that, it was a great fucking time.

So we had an awesome time up there in Seattle and went down to the fish market there. It was awesome. It was just fucking phenomenal. If it just could have been a little sunny, it would have been the best weekend I had all goddamn year. Other than the depressing gray skies. And you know what's funny is everything, I was joking on stage, everything in Seattle is made. I swear to God from the same bag of concrete. It's the exact same consistency.

It's the exact same fucking color. And on those overcast days, the horizon just blends in with that concrete. And I can really see why people fucking blow their brains out up there, you know, if you're not careful. You're not fucking careful. You can end up like that fella there. That fella from that place who did that stuff. Remember that guy? You know what I noticed about Paul Verzi last week?

I was giving him shit. And I can't give him shit this week because I went one in three. I officially do not know shit about football when it comes to fucking gambling. And evidently, I don't know shit about football without gambling because I said to Steelers, we're going to be the team to beat fucking assholes. You can't cover against the goddamn bills. What the fuck is wrong with that team? They got the defense. They got Ben Rothlisberger's back.

Is it because he can't rape anybody anymore? It's fucking throwing off his game. I don't know what's going on, but they got all, maybe they got some injuries. That's another thing why I suck at gambling is because I don't, I can't watch ESPN because they just hype shit through the fucking roof. Like that Monday night football game, Michael Vick. Remember that? Thought there was over. Just give him the Super Bowl trip.

Michael Vick is Michael Vick. Michael Vick. What we're seeing tonight with Michael Vick. It was fucking over. They weren't even addressing the fact that he was doing it against the hapless Washington fucking Redskins. Didn't even mention that. And then what happens? The next week they played the Giants.

Giants beat him, I believe, contained Vick. This week, I still got their fucking voices in my head. Michael Vick is fucking Michael Vick, right? So what do I do? I fucking put money on the goddamn Eagles and the fucking Bears kicked the shit out of him. So once again, and I even said on this podcast when somebody's tried to say that Michael Vick was the best quarterback in the fucking league, because he kicked the shit out of the Redskins one fucking week. And it's the exact reason why I keep trying to tell people that Peyton Manning isn't as great as people are saying.

I give up. But you know something? I've actually, I give up with that argument. I officially fucking give up because this guy after my show in Seattle just started the argument with me and then followed up and sent me an email. And one of the points he wanted to make as to the reason why Tom Brady was an inferior quarterback was because of his knee injury. He said something that if Tom Brady knew how to scramble and didn't suck so bad, he wouldn't have injured his fucking knee. Now that's a funny fucking line, but this guy was actually serious. So at this point, it's just like, whatever, people like who they like.

So go ahead. Like who you like. I don't give a fuck. Anyways, I finally got bored with that whole fucking thing. And also I got him, I just, I just don't believe in the Patriots. I just can't get behind that fucking defense. Belichick's a fucking genius can make the, make the adjustments, but we're not going to go anywhere with that. Giving up 24 to 30 points every fucking week.

Did you see Fat Boy Slim there? What's his face? Rex Ryan trying the age old world against us fucking speech. You know, trying to paint his team as the underdog. Do you think his team's dumb enough to fucking believe it? I do. You know, a lot of people up there, I think Belichick of the Patriots is the best team of the league. Well, I'm not one of those guys.

And he gives his stupid fat John Wayne smile. Ah, Jesus fucking Christ. That cookie dough eating fucking patent looking jackass. I'm so fucking sick of him. It's how to fuck. You guys kicked the shit out of us. Well, when the fuck you getting off of this fucking underdog talk, you fucking pansy. What are you already hedging your bet?

You afraid you're going to fucking lose? You faggot. Oh, there's no game in the world that I want to win more than this Monday night coming up next week. The Patriots versus the Jets. I can't remember the last time. This is worse than Celtics Lakers. You know what the sad thing is? We're not going to fucking win because that defense sucks.

Fucking assholes. 24 to 30 points a game. There's no fucking way you can give that up. The Jets have too good at defense. Those motherfuckers. The Steelers aren't stepping up. Maybe the Ravens. Maybe the Ravens will save me.

That's all I need. That's all I need. I don't give a fuck. As long as somebody beats the Jets in the playoffs, I am going to be excited. If that fucking half ass bullshit fucking team wins the Super Bowl, that fucking team that wins by the skin of that goddamn teeth hasn't fucking dominated anybody, but my shit ass fucking defensive team, it's going to kill me. It's absolutely going to fucking kill me.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I would say I'd cancel the podcast for two weeks, but that would be the bitch move after I talked all this shit, so I'm going to have to come in and take my shit if it happens. But luckily, I don't think it's going to happen. But I got to admit, I got no fucking faith. I got no faith. Fuck you, let the Lions score 24 points on you.

Got trampled by the Browns. We're fucking horrific on defense. We're good for the first two downs. We're great with that. Then third down. I think that our defense is just having so much fun being out there. They're like, let's just let up 12 yards on a run. Let's do it on a run.

They'll lead up some of the clock. That'll be fucking awesome. Who else fucked me last week? I like how I'm blaming everybody but myself for my awful picks this week. I actually bet on Peyton Manning. All you douchebags telling me such a great fucking quarterback with his three picks. Why wouldn't I realize at this point after the Chargers have essentially, what are they beating the Colts at home like what, nine times in a fucking row?

A couple of times in the playoffs. Look at Peyton Manning now. Now that he has no fucking tools. Now look at him. Look how average he looks. Ah, I'm just fucking pissing people off, aren't I? Let's get off this fucking subject. So that's my prediction next.

Actually, I think next week, I think it's going to be a tight fucking game, but I just can't see us. It wouldn't surprise me because I can't believe he beat the Steelers, but I just, I can't get behind a fucking team to let up all those goddamn points. That fucking Ole, our defense should be dressed like Matadors. With big red capes. Just letting receivers and running backs go down the field. Ole!

All right. I think that's about enough. See, that wasn't that bad. I'm trying to tone down the fucking NFL shit. I get, I'm getting really, I'm never doing this again because I realized there's no fucking way I can talk for 17 weeks about anything. I am absolutely bored shitless with the sports talk, with that specific shit. I can't fucking do it anymore, but now I have to hang in there

because I've talked so much goddamn shit. So maybe that'll be the, maybe that'll be the entertaining part of this podcast. Listen to me talk about something I don't give, I'm slowly not giving a fuck about it anymore. All right. Oh, I know what I want to talk. I wanted to make fun of Paul Verzi. Do you guys remember that fucking, you remember Goodfellas? Remember that little movie Goodfellas?

It was this little art house movie that kind of came and went theaters really quickly. What was the name of that character in the beginning? Jimmy two times or whatever. Get the papers, get the papers. Remember that? Paul Verzi is fucking Paulie three times. It's not that he says shit twice or three times. It's like, I don't, I don't know if he thinks that you can't hear him or if he starts to make a point

and he realizes that the wall that he wanted to jump over with his point is like six feet higher than he thought. So he's got to run back another 10 paces. I've never met a guy who starts and then stops and then restarts his fucking sentences more times than this guy. We're fucking at the game the other day. Right. I can't remember what we were just talking about something. And this, this is him trying to make this point. He goes, he goes, you know, people talk shit.

No, he goes, no, he goes, you know, he goes, people talk, people talk shit. Dude, people talk shit when they think they know what's going on. The whole fucking weekend was driving me nuts. Like watching, it was like the verbal equivalent. You know, when you watch those reality shows, you know, and they're about ready to weigh some fat fuck and then they do the scale. And you're like, Oh fuck, what's going to happen? And then they go to commercial. And then when they come back from commercial, they go right back to the fat fuck getting on the scale.

It's just like, just wait a fucker. Just weigh him. That's what Verzi does. Robinson can know. Dude, Robinson can know was four for four last night. He does. He fucking he, he, he bangs against the door once just to see if, if it's solid or it's particle board. And then he, he figures out how far back he has to run.

Dude, you heard it here first. All right. The New York Giants, dude, the New York Giants are going to fucking run the table. Heard it here first. Paul, I heard it the first nine times you said it. I swear to God, it's like he's got some sort of like, it's not a speech impediment. It's like a brain impediment. He starts to make a point.

And then there's like a heckler in his head. Just go, no, Paul, you're not saying it with enough confidence. Like there's a director going, cut, cut, cut. All right, Paul. No, no, no, we love what you're doing here. We love what you're doing here. But if you could just come with a little more emotion this time, a little more fucking emotion. All right.

That'll be about enough for that shit. I'm really, this is, this is what travel does to me this time of fucking year. I fly through a fucking point and then I slam into a brick wall and then I'm done with it. All right. I'm done with fucking sports. You know, and there's some of you on this podcast. I'm fucking done with you. You know where you are.

Let's get to YouTube videos for the week. Ladies and gentlemen, and they've actually at this point kind of broken off into two because we have the clips from the bad movies, the great bad movies. And I'm telling you, some of the shit you guys are sending me is unbelievable. And all these videos will be up on the mmpodcast.com. So check this one out. Try to see this one. This is actually something that I brought up.

This is not a bad movie. This is actually an incredible movie. It's the original Manchurian candidate. But I had mentioned a long time ago that there's a fight scene in there. Frank Sinatra versus Asian dude. And according to Frank Sinatra, it's the first karate film, the first kung fu film ever done in American cinema. And you have to see how fuck you mean, especially now. I mean, I don't know how to fucking fight, but I've watched enough UFC and you look at the stances.

The stances that some of the stances they get in about three quarters into the fight are just as ridiculous as that karate kid fear the sparrow or whatever the fuck that the name of that stance that bird claw thing that he would do. Anyways, I got it. It's Manchurian candidate 1962 fight. You can look it up if you want to, but we have all these videos listed nice and neatly along with some pictures from my trip to Seattle. If you'd like to see where we sat at the game, me and Mr. Verzi took a picture of the nice fluffy fish and chips I got fucking unbelievable seafood. That's a great place to take your girlfriend or your wife. I fucked up. I should have brought my girl, you know, but you know, I was going to a couple of sporting events and she doesn't like sports.

You know, you know, when your data girl doesn't like sports, you take into a sporting event and all they talk about is how pretty the grass looks and then by like the second inning, they're just bored shitless. That's my experience when I take Nia places. So, you know, I don't know who's getting who I fucked up. Anyways, let's plow ahead. The second great bad movie. Here we go. I drink your blood 1970 trailer. This is the fact that they made this fucking movie is just it's unbelievable.

But when you think back to it how there was no internet and just how early on they were into like those slasher kind of movies when you actually watch this trailer, like this is the kind of it's like very like you're really going after the serial killer sort of demographic. I bet like Ted Bundy and those fucking maniacs went to go see this stuff back when it was shocking. Now it's hilarious, but it's really just really bizarre, really fucking bizarre. All right, here's the regular YouTube videos for the week. This one was actually already shown on Tosh point. Oh, but this one is so funny. I don't like to show videos that have already been shown on that show, but just in case you miss the episode. This is fucking hilarious.

Remember that I talked about last week man versus booze. If you did that, this dude tries to chug a bottle of Patron, which by the way guys is really fucking dangerous. All right, if you actually did it successfully, you would die, which is why this guy projectile vomits. That's your body basically saying let's get this shit the fuck out of here so we don't die. The name of the video you want to search Joe breezy Patron challenge and this guy's fucking hilarious. The shit talking he does in front of it is is almost as funny as when he pukes, you know, this guy's a fucking right. He's like mocking the shit talk, I think that you see on a lot of these videos or that you see in reality TV. It's hilarious.

Another one you guys see a lot of Christmas lights on your on the houses as you're driving around. Check out this one heavy metal Christmas light show that one was actually on live leak dot com heavy metal Christmas light show. And then there's another video here. This one is awesome. As far as like it's really interesting. If anybody's into animals and can explain this one, it's crows verse cat verse cat street fight. And this person put this on almost like they custom made this music for this fight. It's fucking incredible.

These two cats. I'm not going to ruin it for you. Just you just got to see it. It's fucking incredible. Another video. I love this one. It's called censored 8800 pennies. And basically this dude looks like a college age kid.

He got his car towed and he had to walk 1520 miles to get home. The next day called up. He found out where his car was and they wanted $88 to get it out. So he said fuck it. I got you $88 and he showed up with 8800 pennies. Most of them unrolled and he brought it in. And he's like it's legal tender. You have to take it.

And the lady's like I'm not going to take this. I'm not taking this. And he's like you got to take it. It's legal tender. She's like I'm not taking it. He goes fine. I'm calling the cops which he did. And you got to see it.

It's fucking awesome. I don't want to ruin it, but it's awesome. Here's another good one. Speeding ticket fail. Just a quick one for you people who don't like to watch 10 minute videos. And this is another great one. Dude there's some really funny fucking filmmakers and actors and shit. Just fucking around.

Just regular people on YouTube man. These dudes are really funny. Especially the guy who fucking punches the pig in this one. This is called Turbakan Epic Thanksgiving. Epic Mealtime. You know I think I'd like to every year they come up with a new fattening way to cook a turkey. These guys just take it to the fucking nth degree. They make like a 7900 calorie turkey man.

It's fucking insane. And just watch the part where he's tenderizing the pig. That's my favorite fucking part. It really made me laugh out loud. And let's get to the overrated, underrated for this week. Did I not get an advice one? Why didn't I? God damn it.

That's usually a nice fucking time filler. Somebody asked me some fucking advice. Oh by the way, speaking of advice. Did not booze. Still have not boozed. I am 44 days in. 44 is a very famous number in professional sports, right? You all know who I'm talking about.

Who's the most famous number 44 in all of professional sports? Think about it. That's right. You got it. Robert Newhouse. The old fullback used to block for Tony Dorsett. You're absolutely right. Dude, it's fucking rejection.

Was Hank Aaron 44? I don't fucking know. You know what people really dropped the ball on? It was the obscure sports facts. I thought that people were really going to keep that one going. I thought it had a new segment. And it just died a quick death. You know, like one of those critically acclaimed shows.

Critics love it. Eight other people are watching it. And then it just fucking gets canceled because no one else gives a shit. And then what happens? All right, comes out on DVD and then everybody loves it. Why have they ever canceled this? All right, overrated, underrated for the week. No, I'm not done talking about booze.

I'm 44 fucking days in. All right, all I got is I got San Francisco this week. Just as far as temptation goes. I got San Francisco this week. I'm playing Cobb's Comedy Club for the first time. I've always been a punchline guy. Now I'm going across town playing Cobb's Comedy Club. This Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

And I'm also doing a book signing. And I got to get the, I got to get you guys, not a book signing. I don't have a book. I'm doing a DVD signing. It's for to support research for AIDS. And I'm at a Jesus Christ. What the fuck? I, you know, the show you how dumb I am.

I didn't know the name of the bookstore. I keep thinking Brookstone begins with a big. It begins with a B. What's that bookstore everybody goes to? It's the only one left, isn't it? Wow, I just went fucking blank. Yeah, I'm going to be at one of those borders, borders bookstore.

I'm going to be up there doing a book signing, a DVD signing on Wednesday night before I do my gig. And I absolutely love San Francisco. And if you guys know any cool places to eat, because I'm not drinking, I'm really enjoying this. I went to, I think it was called the steel diner in, in Seattle. Me and Verzing, we got like the best fucking fish.

Most, the freshest seafood you've ever fucking had. Those, those goddamn deadliest catch guys show up. You can buy shit right off the goddamn boats if you want to. It's unbelievable. Best fishing chips I've had. I'm eating them. I'm like, Jesus, this is like light as air. Then, you know, because it's deep fried and shit afterwards.

It felt like I had a boot in my stomach, but it was absolutely delicious. So anyways, I'm not boozing. If you guys know of any, any, any cool restaurants, if that man versus food guy went there, and I don't want to eat the fucking challenge thing, but if he went there like that burger, I was trying to remember the name of Juicy Lucy,

the one in Minneapolis. I missed out on that. So if there's, if there's something, whatever people in San Francisco, late night, you're drunk, or you're going just, or you just went there as a kid, or this pizza, whatever, please let me know where it is, because I need some productive shit to be doing,

rather than sitting around thinking about boozing, because I got to admit that weather up there in Seattle, you know, it makes you want to eat comfort food, and then just go out and drink whatever local beer that they have. Ah, fuck, that's what I really miss about boozing. You know? I'll tell you, great time to go to Cleveland, Ohio. Cleveland, Ohio, this time of year, right,

when you get into December, go out there, go to a Browns game. They got a great team, and they got this fucking Christmas ale out there. That is the shit. And it's an extra couple of, I think they have one in Pittsburgh, too. This will really knock me back on the wagon. Why don't you guys send me a list,

if you guys in those colder cities, just because that seems to be where they only put those beers out, those seasonal beers that come out, man, a fucking unbelievable, um, Jesus Christ. Am I going to be able to make it to the Rose Bowl? I'm actually contemplating not drinking at the Rose Bowl, and this year, rather than going with one other drunk buddy, I'm going with two other, three other.

I got a crew of four, and I don't know, for some reason, I want to see if I can go 100 days. I know I can, but I got to admit, man, I was in Seattle, it was fucking really difficult, but every day, every day you wake up when you didn't drink the night before, you wake up, you feel good,

you know, you work out, you go down, you get yourself a juice, you sit there, stone sober, don't have any good stories to tell, because you didn't fucking do anything the night before, and you sit there, bored shitless, but you have the exact same brain cells you had the night before, people.

I think the level of brain cells you have left is exactly equal to the amount of fun that you had in life. That's a theory I just came up with, you know? If you have half your brain cells left, you enjoyed half of your life. That fucking makes no sense, but you know what I mean.

Alright, let's stop talking about booze, because I swear to God, I still have one of those Murphy stout in the fucking roof. I keep leaving in there, I can't get myself to dump it down the sink, because it's such a good beer, you know? And I keep thinking that some friend out here that I don't really have is going to come swing it by. Would you like a bear?

I'm going to pour it to him. Hands fucking trembling like a goddamn crack addict. Um, anyways, overrated, underrated for the week here. Um, alright, overrated. Laptops, the batteries fucked after a month, so when you move to scratch your ass, you delete half your work. Isn't that the fucking truth?

Um, underrated, throwing snowballs on cars, or at cars. No easier way to get your ass kicked. Wow, now there's something to do if you're not drinking, and you still want an adrenaline rush, you know? You remember that as a kid when you threw a snowball at a car, and you got him real good, and the guy slammed on his brakes, and fucking pulled over,

that fucking adrenaline rush as you turned around, in your snow suit, in your big stupid boots, trying to run in like a foot of snow that actually comes up to mid-thigh, because you're so small. Ah, man, that was fun. That was a good fucking time back in the day. That's another reason why people always think it snowed more

when you were a kid, is because you were a fucking midget walking around in the snow. Dude, when I was a kid, we used to have snowstorms, and it would come up to your waist, you know? Yeah, dude, you were four. You were five fucking years old. Remember that shit? You knocked out your front teeth on your dad's shoes? You were little, you dumb fuck.

Um, all right. Overrated. Coffee houses. This guy says, I can't stand these places. People show up in their scarves and laptops that are exclusively Apple, may I add, and park themselves in a booth for three hours. You go in to get a coffee, you have to stumble through some college kid's project,

stand in the longest line known to man, all the while listening to some mellow hippie with a beard playing his acoustic guitar. Is it just me or do these places stink? Um, I think they do stink. You know, I just heard some laughter downstairs. I wonder if they're actually listening to the podcast or they're laughing at how unfunny this shit is.

Um, and then I have one here, underrated Seahawks fans. I got a whole new fucking respect for those people. To cheer on that god-awful fucking performance. They just hung in there right to the fucking end. And a lot of them were pissed at the end of the game when with like a minute left they just took a knee. You know, for the last two or three fucking plays. Even though you're down by 20 points, can you go down swinging?

I'll tell you, that's that Pete Carroll ball standing up there on his fucking dockers. Huh? That fucking... You know what he's like? He's like in the coach's witness protection program. That's kind of like what he did. He's like the shit hit the fan. He's Henry Hill. He's the Henry Hill...

I'm like Paul Verzi. He's Henry Hill. He's... Dude, he's the Henry Hill of fucking coaches. Look at his contagious now. He really is though. He got all the glory at USC. And then the second the shit... He told Sanchez he left too early and made all this big fucking speech.

And then the second the shit went down and people start talking about Reggie Bush and all this other bullshit. Has he even commented on it? Or did he pull that bullshit when they just... Look, I'm here to coach the Seattle Seahawks. If you have some Seattle Seahawks questions, I'll be happy to answer those.

Anything else I'm not answering. That is all in the past. But blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Did he do that bullshit? Son of a bitch. I hope he fucking flames out. This has nothing to do with Seahawks fans. I hope he flames out in Seattle. And then he goes back with his tail between his legs.

Right? Goes back to the college coaching level. He'll probably get a coaching job in the SEC. Right? We all know that the SEC has the best fucking teams. It's got the best coaching and it's got the best players. And I don't think that he can fucking stand up

to the fucking SEC conference. He was out there in the Pac-10. Bunch of goddamn pansies out there other than Jim Harbaro. I don't even fucking say his name. He's out there. That fucking guy can coach. There's a guy who should go to the pros.

Pete Carroll, when you make a good play, he goes, You ever seen that? Like fucking Ric Flair, but it's not funny. I remember that. Does he still do that shit? I remember that back when he used to coach the Patriots. They'd score a touchdown. They cut to him on the sideline.

You know, all the fat fuck defensive coordinators are like, like they just murdered somebody. Got that look of rage on their face that the play worked. And Pete would be in the middle with his hands straight up in the air and just going, And I was just like, this guy's a pussy. You know, then he went to the fucking Trojans

and I was like, all right, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was wrong about this guy. Turns out I was right. Go back down to the college level with your fucking darkers. You fucking Richie Cunningham coming out there, you know,

dressed like you're going to host an AM radio show. That's how you fucking lead your team to battle. I got to understand if you were fat fuck like Rex Ryan, you had to wear those soccer mom stretchy pants. I didn't understand that shit.

I didn't understand that shit in a second. You're in shape, Pete Carroll. What the fuck? You know something? I even know what kind of pants coaches wear, but I know they're not those. What are you going to a fucking sock hop? Oh my God. Oh my God, you know,

to have money on that fucking guy, if they just showed me the pants that their coaching staff was going to fucking wear, I would have put money on the chiefs who fucked me when they played the bills. I was kidding who. I don't know how to gamble. Thank God Paul Versey doesn't either. I'm actually still two games ahead of him.

I'm only saying that because I know he's listening to this shit at this point. All right, Paul Versey, by the way, absolutely fucking destroyed. Growing by leaps and bounds, you know, he's jumped out of the little stand-up nest. He's flapping his wings. He didn't hit the ground.

I think this one's going to make it. You know what comedians are when we start off? You ever see those things when like the little turtles hatch? You ever see them on the Discovery Channel? And then they start fucking going down the beach, those cute little turtles, those fucking birds come in and swoop up like 90% of them

and only 2% make it out to the water. Right? That's where Versey is right now. He's not in the water. He's not on the beach. He's getting a little wet. And you know what the birds are? Those are the broads in your life that don't support you. Yeah! You're going out again tonight!

Run! They just fucking scoop you up in your fucking dreams and they fly away with you. They eat your fucking soul. Bill, do you have anything positive to say about women? Um, yes. Yes, I do. I sat next to a pretty lady

on the plane yesterday. You know? Just a beautiful girl. Cleavage. Half a titty. But a nice titty. You know what I mean? Not obnoxious. Nice healthy bee cup.

Just sitting there just made you, you know? Just something nice to look at during the turbulence. Like, you know, it's not all bad. The fact that this plane's probably going to crash and because it's a jet and the engine's cut out, you can't even glide. This tendency is actually to just turn over. And I'm actually hanging from my fucking seat belt.

You know? There's some fucking free peanuts stuck to my face. We're pulling four Gs going back to Mother Earth. You know, if I have the neck muscles, maybe I can glance over at that cleavage right before we fucking enter the fucking ground. Jesus Christ, Bill. You know what I'm doing?

I'm not even listening to what the fuck I'm saying. Oh, you know, it was great. We actually got hooked up with tickets. Well, we were supposed to be hooked up with tickets to the Seattle game. You know? It's just one of those things. You ever have a friend who just says,

oh, yeah, dude, I can fucking hook you up? I got the tickets. Don't you worry about it, right? And then you show up and they're not there. And you just realized that the guys all talk. I'm just fucking, just in case he's listening. We're just fucking around. We had a good time.

Buddy of ours hooked us up with tickets and I guess they fucked up, you know, at the front office there in Seattle. You know what it was? They were too busy laughing at Pete Carroll and their fucking goddamn chinos as they walked down the fucking hall that they actually got.

They got us two tickets for next week. Hey, you know what? I don't know if I should do this, but there's two tickets waiting under my name. But you'd need an ID. There's two tickets waiting under my name for next week's Seattle game.

Walk up to the will call and just be like, yes, hello, I'm William Burr and I would like my tickets, please. Do you have an ID? Are you out of your fucking mind? I've been on Premium Blend. Give me my fucking tickets. Um... If there's a Bill Burr who lives in Seattle,

go down there. There's two tickets waiting for you. This whole podcast has gone off the fucking route. And it's in. Technically, I could pull the ripcord. Hang on here. I'm trying to find an advice one to try. Oh, here we go. Girlfriend problems. Let's click on this. Uh...

I don't want to read that one. I thought it was going to be a nice long one. Eat up some time. Bill, my girlfriend's, uh... coochie kind of smells like the inside of my gym sneaker and I was wondering how I... Why bring that up?

Uh... fuck. Come on. Advice. I know there was one. There's an overrated, underrated. I already did that. Ah, Jesus. Alright, people, I'm going to be at Cobb's Comedy Club next week. I'm just going to end the fucking podcast. Come on, Bill.

Why didn't you do your homework? You know what is great? This is my last road gig that I am doing. Before my, uh... Ah, you fucking cunt. You know what? I can't scroll and talk at the same time.

Airbag prank, old man. Welcome to Seattle. Seattle DVD Order. Advice. Let's look at the Seattle DVD Order because I thought I asked for three. I have confirmed. Tracking.

The venue. Alright, everything's good. Okay, you know what? Fuck it. That's the podcast for this week. God bless all of you. Thanks for listening. I thought I had an advice one here. Thank you for your contributions. I hope you guys all had a really nice Thanksgiving.

A merry Thanksgiving. I hope you have a merry Christmas. You going to start your shopping? That's something I could talk about. I haven't started my shopping yet. I'm at that weird age where, uh... You know, I don't have any fucking kids. All my friends are too fucking old.

What am I going to buy them? You know? We're at the cologne and new shirt age. Uh... You know? Everyone in my family has their own fucking lives. They have their own. So my overhead's really not that high. All I got to do is just buy

something for my girl and I'm done. And I'm done. You know what? Actually, I'm thinking of getting her. Is, uh... I was driving by Arby's the other night and I saw underneath the sign that they have these Christmas gift packs.

And it says booklet. It's really cool because they have, like, coupons for everything on their menu at a discount because, uh... you know, what if she doesn't want one of those awful roast beef sandwiches? Maybe she just wanted to go in there

and get the onion rings. You know? Wouldn't that be awesome to do that to fuck you to the pressure of getting something nice for the woman in your life? Just one year, you just went out

and just bought her a gift like that? How do you think your girl would react? Well, you can't go that low because that's like insulting. You can't get her a fucking coupon. But, you know, it gets to the point, like, how much fucking money do I got to spend on you? You know?

You know, that's something she can wear every day when she gets out of the shower really nice and comfy and you give it to her and she thinks, like, ooh, this is just one of the build-up gifts. And it's like, no! That is the gift. That is the one. There it is.

Merry Christmas! You know? That will be a great thing. Just to, you know... I know something that's a great idea. If you actually got her something really nice, or something like that, just act like there's no other gifts

and then just watch her stewing and figuring out how to play it. You know? Because she's mad at you. All right? Because she didn't get her something good enough. But she has to play it right because if she flips out too much, she's going to look selfish, you know?

Because she has to be honestly sitting there thinking like, well, wait a minute, what if he really thought that this is enough? You know, how rude of it would it be to be giving you shit? Oh, wait a minute! Wow, I just had a flashback. I just had a flashback.

One time... Oh, my God! One time, one of my first girlfriends, right? I grew up with all brothers, right? I don't mean black people. I mean siblings. And I had... So I didn't know shit about women.

You know? And a lot of you who are listening probably still think I don't. So anyways, my first girlfriend, I went to buy her something for her birthday. What the fuck did I get her? I was on the road and I was... No, I was on the road. I was already a comedian.

This wasn't my first... This was my second serious girlfriend. I was like 25 years old, 24, 25, and I was in the mall and I bought her this shirt. It was her birthday and I swear to God, I think it was one of those...

You know those polo style shirts? I bought her one of those and it was like striped. I got her two of them. And I wrapped them up and she was all excited. She was this complete fucking psycho that I was dating. As I told you before, you know what the deal is.

When somebody's dating a psycho and you're sitting there going, why are they dating this fucking person? You know why. All psychos are good in bed. Not only are they good in bed, they're fucking unbelievable in bed. Alright?

So... I'm sitting there like... I don't know why I didn't... I just asked a woman to help me out here, but I basically bought her what I would have bought my older brother. So... And this is the thing.

I hadn't had a girlfriend in a couple of fucking years. You know, just one of those periods where I was just focusing on becoming a comedian. And I don't even think I was really even hooked. I went through a fucking dry spell like an 18th month fucking not hooking up nothing. So this girl's psycho

comes into my life. So I buy her these two fucking eyes-odd looking shirts that, you know... I'm married father with three. With three fucking kids would be pissed if he got that. And I gave it to this. This girl was fucking hot too, right? And I gave it to her. She's all excited.

She's gonna be wrapped. That's the one thing I did. So she's thinking it's gonna be something nice. And she goes and she fucking unwraps this damn thing. And she opened it up and she just like... And I was standing up and I was so fucking nervous. And she just goes like... She's like, what is this?

You bought me this? And she starts holding it. You bought me this? She's like, this is stupid. She kind of like threw it down. You know what the fuck she said? All I remember was by the end of it, I was sitting and she was standing. And she was fucking like... I was getting scolded like a child.

You know, like your first girlfriend, your first relationship or whatever. You just think of the dumb shit that you did. This is like my second one, but I'm such a moron. I had to learn this shit over again. I was just sitting there getting fucking scolded for like 10 minutes about this awful fucking...

Admittedly, it was awful. What kind of a fucking cunt would do that? I don't even date her like fucking too much, but I sat there like this sad kid getting scolded and it was one of those things where I...

The only reason why I sat there was because I was so embarrassed. And I didn't have a lot of experience with women and all I wanted to do... I wanted to crawl out of there. It felt like the way it felt the first time I bombed doing jokes. That's how bad it felt. Then, as she got to the end of her 10 minute fucking tirade

about how bad this fucking gift was, that's when I started getting my feet underneath me. Where, finally, the shame and the embarrassment had gone away because she just gave me shit for so long

that I was actually able to regroup and I was like, wait a minute. I don't even think I yelled at her. I just remember that switch in my head just went, fuck this person. Next. Later on that night, she actually called me up and apologized. It was just like, yeah, listen.

I probably shouldn't have said that. And I was totally passive-aggressive. No, no, it's fine. No, it's cool. Back then when you don't know how to get out of a relationship. No, that's too. That's cool. So, you want to come see me tonight? Actually, I got to fix the toilet.

Fucking clean up the stove. My brother's coming to town. I gave her every fucking excuse. I basically, in a coward way, just sort of backed my way out. Oh, no, wait. I remember how I got out of it. But I can't tell you because it's fucking horrific. And some stuff is just too personal.

And I'm going to leave you at that. I'm going to leave you fucking hanging. Fuck you. It's an hour and one minutes into this podcast. Was this one loud enough for you? I hope it was. Okay, it was too fucking loud. So that's the podcast for this week. Everybody, I am comfortable

with my new hour. It is official. I got this fucking thing down. And I'm going to go up to San Francisco. And I'm going to rape whoever the fuck shows up with my goddamn comedy. That's how it's going down. I got a show there Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Let me double check.

Make sure it's not Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I know it's Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Am I also doing the Thursday? Let's see. The second, third, fourth, fifth. That's four days. Yeah, Thursday through Sunday. Cobb's Comedy Club. And I'm going to tell you right now, for years,

the people of San Francisco are going to be talking about the shit jokes that I'm going to be performing this weekend. These are going to, these are instant classic shit jokes and dick jokes that you need to come out and see. There's not a lot of tickets left, everybody.

I have no idea how many tickets I sold. I'm just doing that late night TV bullshit that they do. We only got five left. So come on down. Don't be a fucking pussy. Come on down. I'm doing that DVD signing at some boarder's bookstore. Come on down. You want me to come down? I'll fucking sign your DVD.

I'll sign your titties. I don't give a fuck. I could give a shit. Come on down. I'll sign something. I got a pen and a fucking and a sharpie. Ready to go. That's it. That's the podcast for this week. Two weeks, I'm going to be at the

Improv in Brea, California. So for all you people out here, ask me when the fuck I'm going to be in Brea, California. There you go. December 16th, 17th, 18th, and 19th. Then I'm on my Christmas break where I stare at my bulls.

And then I'm doing the Borgata in Atlantic City. We sold out that show in 30 hours. Hopefully they're going to add a second show. It would be great if you guys called up and asked them to add a second show. And then they could.

But that show is, that's the Miami Heat comedy show. It's how I'm branding it. It's Jim Norton, Jim Brewer, David Tell, and myself. How the fuck do you not add a second show? How do you as a comedy fan not call up the Borgata right now

and be like, dude, what the fuck? Add a second show. Or I'm coming down there and I'm taking my dick out and running through your fucking casino. Alright, that's it. I've really overstayed my welcome. That's the podcast for this week. You guys have yourselves a great week. Don't take any shit. And that's it.

Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. The things I am saying are true. And the way I explain them to you. Listen to me. Listen to me.