Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-29-19

Episode Date: November 30, 2019

Bill rambles about his history with test taking, keeping your expenses low, and black Friday.

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And I'm just checking in on you. I'm not yelling, okay? I'm not screaming this thing this fucking weekend. I'm not doing it. I ate too much yesterday and I'm fucking relaxation, all right? And this is the third attempt I've made at this fucking podcast. I keep having to hit erase because you know what? I don't have anything funny to say because I haven't been fucking doing anything because I've been studying for this goddamn fucking test. Huh? You guys want to hear what I've been looking at? You want to hear some?

How would you pre-flight check the altimeter prior to an IFR flight? Set the altimeter to 290.902 with current temperature and altimeter indication to determine the true altitude to compare with the field elevation? Or B, set the altimeter to 290.902 and then you get... Or C, set the altimeter to the current altimeter instead of the indication should be within 75. That's the answer right there! I've been doing that. Been doing this shit.

Oh my god! It's a good thing though. You know what happens to a lot of fucking adults is the last test we take for most of us is right before we graduate college and you never have to memorize a bunch of fucking shit again for the rest of your life. So then you're not getting a report card so you're floating. You don't know where the fuck you are, right? You're in the clouds! You're not instrumentated!

Sorry, everything's going to go back to that, right? You have no idea what kind of a fucking person you are, okay? And nobody is grading you. You're not getting any sort of a progress fucking report about who the fuck you are. And then okay, you're living in your house, okay? You married a woman, now she's your property, okay? You're telling her what to do, all your kids are afraid of you, okay? You're in the bubble right now.

There's no difference between you and Tom Cruise at that point, you know? You're not making $20 million a movie, but when you walk through the front door of your fucking house, you're the star of the show. That's it. You don't get tested. So, I don't even know if that's fucking true. All I know is the only time I've taken tests in my adult life, I took the test to get my license to sell health insurance.

Jesus Christ, there was a left turn in the path of my life. I had to take it three fucking times. I remember those two parts to the test. There was something like the fucking, the life and the something else. I don't know what the hell it was. All I know is on the first time I took it, I passed the first part, flunked the second half, and then the next time I flunked the first half, passed the second half,

and then the third time I finally passed the fucking thing. I just, because I didn't know. I didn't understand what, at that point in my life, I didn't understand passion and something that you liked because your whole fucking beginning of your life is that people going, read this. I don't give a shit. Read it.

I'm going to test you on it. And if you flunk, you're going to be right back here again next fucking year. And everything was about, you just had to do all this shit you didn't want to fucking do. So, I think that's how I ended up doing that. Just somebody's mind was selling health insurance and they were making money. I was like, I'll do that. Make money, buy stuff, be happy, right? Does that work?

Seems to be working for the Kardashians, right? How happy they are. Taking pictures of their babies surrounded by Birkenbags. It's one of the saddest things I've ever seen. Don't even get me started on those fucking Birkenbags. They would try to buy one of those fucking things and then you see how much they are. It's like, this is for a fucking bag and then you show up. They're not even in the goddamn store.

You got to get put on a wish list. Hey buddy, as the rock said, you can take that bag, turn it up sideways and shove it straight up your candy ass. This one is made out of flamingo. Here's it. It could fit all my fucking Botox in there and my acid plants. It's the fucking dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. So what am I talking about?

So I've been sitting here, I've been underwater with this shit. And I don't, I'm taking the test next month. So what I'm doing now is I'm, there's eight chapters and I just go through the next eight days. I'm going through each chapter four fucking times. All right. And then we switched to two days. All right.

Like football in Texas in July. I go to two days, chapter one, two, chapter three, four, five, six, seven, eight. And then I'm going to go to four days. Because at that point I'll know it that well, bing, bing, bing, bing, boom. And then I'm going to sit down on a fucking trigger squad doing a test and I'm going to fucking pass it. That's, that's, that's what I've decided. All right.

And you could tell from the tenseness in my fucking voice, I just, I just want to get through this shit. That's the thing about aviation. It's fucking fascinating, but taking these fucking tests blows. You know, once you, once you get in the air and you apply it, then it's, oh wow, this is fun. I get this. I don't know.

I don't know. What am I bitching to you guys about for? It's Thanksgiving. I should be thankful. You know why? Because we got rivalry Saturday. And I got a bunch of people coming over tomorrow, which just means I got to do chapter four before I watch Michigan, Ohio State.

So I told everybody to come over at the fucking 10 o'clock. We're going to take the goddamn game, shut your phones off. And I'm just going to wake up early after I get my lovely daughter ready to go and all that stuff. I make everybody breakfast and all that shit. I'm doing chapter four twice before, you know, for the game that I'm watching the game. And then I'm doing it two more times. And then I'm going to Slayer because that's how I live my life. No fucking free time.

I fill it all up, fill it all up. I don't talk about my feelings. And then I lose my shit and I hurt people around me, but I have more material. Right. And that's what keeps the heat on. Okay. And I keep trying to explain that to the people in my life that are absolutely terrified of me flying off the fucking handle. And they just don't get it.

And I was thinking in 2020 to start adding physical abuse to the verbal abuse that I do to the people in my life. You know, I think it's time with all this wokeness, you know, it's just just for the balance. You know what I mean? That white chicks aren't going to have anything to complain about in 2020. So I figured I'd slap a few fucking people around, you know, you know, find somebody in a wheelchair and like let the air out of the tire. I'll do something. Give them something to be like, my heart breaks for this. Oh my God.

I am like crying right now. It's one of my favorite things on social media is when people try to make whatever you're watching, not about what you're watching anymore. They're their reaction to it. Oh my God. I was just like, I was sobbing. Nobody cares. Nobody cares what you were doing. This isn't about you.

But that's not out is everything's about fucking you. So anyway, I don't have, I don't have anything fucking funny to say. I've just had my goddamn fucking nose in a book. Like I'm fucking back in my goddamn teenage years again, but I can't tell you this when I get past this fucking thing. I want to be a much better pilot, which is important, right? It is worth something, isn't it? Does anybody know? Does anybody know?

I don't fucking know. All right. You know what? When I'm in a rut like this, okay, and I'm staring at another fucking 23 minutes of a goddamn podcast, I got no fucking idea. What the hell I can even talk about. This is when I go on the internet, right? I go on the internet and I type in the old fucking Google news. I already know what it's going to be.

It's going to be 20 fucking articles about what a douchebag Trump is. You know, people just fucking, it's like, I get it. Just don't vote for the guy. All you're going to do is tell me the fucked up shit he's doing and then you're not going to offer a solution. And then people are going to write a bunch of hysterical fucking comics underneath it. Okay. Two killed in London Bridge stabbing, police say. I bet they were, I bet they were tourists.

You know, because they thought that they thought the Tower Bridge was the fucking, was the London Bridge. Jesus, two people killed. Oh, it's a terror attack. My fault. My fault. Sorry. I just thought it was a standard mugging. Jesus fucking Christ.

I want to warn you, some of the video you're about to show you was graphic. People complaining that it wasn't graphic. Oh my God. Oh, this is, well, why would I do? You know, I was trying to come here to find some comedy and I just found the tragedy. I got the wrong mask. Ukrainian officials discussing ways to improve standing with Trump. What the fuck are you worried about?

The guy, the worst case scenario is only around for another five years. How long has Ukraine been around? Longer than this guy. In Afghanistan, Trump creates confusion over US policy on Taliban. All right. Falling oil prices may be misreading a tenuous situation, tenuous situation in Iraq. Oh boy. Why don't we just leave those people alone over there?

Leave them alone. Switch to solar power. Get some electric cars. They're fucking faster. They're weird looking, but they're faster. You let them sit there on the oil. Let them have it. The fuck are we doing?

Electricity, electricity. That whole argument, electricity requires oil to turn to fucking term. I don't give a shit. We don't need to go over there to pretend to help them anymore. We don't have to go bankrupt. Solar power, fucking sun shines on every goddamn country. There you go. Boom.

Done. Solving the Middle Eastern problem on a podcast by himself. Watch Tesla's Cybertruck beat Ford F-150 Super Duty in a tug of war. I got to see this. They should have led with this fucking video. Dude, what is that doorstop looking thing? All right. Here we go.

I don't understand. Where do you put anything in the truck? It seems to be enclosed. All right. Here we go. It beat a Ford. Okay. We got it.

Another thing. All right. Tesla's Cybertruck. All right. Did this really happen? What the fuck am I? This is on like a legitimate fucking site. Ah, Jesus Christ.

A 29-year-old millionaire who saves 99% of his income shares the two things he refuses to spend money on. I got to read that. I mean, Jesus Christ, 29-year-old millionaire, 99% of his income. This kid's going to get mugged. All right. What the fuck? Did he learn anything from the Kardashians?

Stop going on TV, showing what the fuck you got. All right. Graham Stephan can afford to buy nearly anything he wants. The 29-year-old earns up to $220,000 in a single month. Not to be a cunt, but that's about $100,000 after taxes. If you're lucky, maybe you keep $90,000 at this point. And is on track to make a minimum of $1.6 million in 2019. Oh, look who it is.

It's the lovely Nia. How are you doing? I'm great. How are you doing? What was your Thanksgiving? Oh, it was wonderful. And yours? It was wonderful.

Do you feel like I'm TMZ and I just caught you at the airport? Yeah, yeah. I have a little caught off guard right now. I don't know. Should I be nice to you? Should I say no comment on anything? What should I do? Do I play the game?

Because it's Hollywood, baby. And the paths can make my career or they can snatch it away from me just like that. What are you talking about? I don't know. It's just there's a lot of factors. As far as what? Oh, and as far as this one scenario, I thought we were just going once and now you're... Oh, now you're in the airport.

You're knowing me now. Oh, wait, no. I don't know what's happening. Ouch. All right. I don't know what you're saying. I have no idea. I think we're both hungover from food.

I thought we were doing a little improv there. Oh, I didn't know which way you were going with it. Well, you're supposed to yes and me. Oh, okay. All right. Let's start over again. Okay. What did I ask you?

I forget. All right. Hey, Nia, there's a 29-year-old millionaire. He earns 220 grand a month and he saves 99% of his income. And there's two things he won't fucking... He goes, I've always enjoyed the aspect of not spending money even as a kid. I end up saving about 99% of my income just because my income is so high and I keep my expenses so low.

Nia, you can learn something here. All right. I think all women. Really? Is that what I'm here for? Yes. All right. Well, I'll be leaving and you can have your trash opinion and your trash pockets.

I thought you'd go back and forth with me. Oh my God. Are you putting on a Meundee's onesie? As a matter of fact, I am. Nia, tell us about the Meundee onesie and what it's done for you. Well, the Meundee's onesie is so comfortable and it's great for lounging around the house and post-thanksgiving, you know, relaxation. What else can I say about it?

It has a hood. It keeps me warm. You're liking it. I can't say anything about it. How much did you spend on that? Oh gosh. Five dollars on it. Oh, I think this kid would approve of it.

All right. I end up saving about 99% of my income. Stefan, whose net worth crossed one million for the first time at 26. Good for him. Keeps his cost down partly by refusing to spend money on two things. Number one is coffee. Oh Jesus Christ. Is everything just bullshit here?

I think the markup of coffee at Starbucks and a coffee bean and a lot of those places out there is absolutely ridiculous. So I make it at home for 20 cents. He buys his coffee. Oh, I almost did it. I almost did it. This was a fucking advertisement. Look at that. They got me twice here.

Why do dogs kick their feet after they poop? Jesus. See what happened? If you just feed all the Americans, make us all fucking fat. There's no news this weekend. But I've asked the question. I don't want to leave you hanging. Let me sift through all this shit.

Why it's instinct. Dogs are ever-villageant of other canines encroaching on their territory. Be at the backyard of the park. They consider defecation a message to other dogs that the poop on property belongs to them. How in the fuck does anybody know this? Dogs obviously can't talk. Okay, they're eliminating waste. By kicking up dirt after the deed,

they're compounding the scent by stirring up the bathroom scene along with pheromones, which come from glands on their feet to create a strong smell. They kicked up grass. Is that why dogs smell shit? The kicked up grass is also a visual cue. All of this poop and disrupted earth is worn to other dogs that they're treading on hallowed, stinky ground. Ah, fuck you. How do they know that?

You know what I mean? If they can't definitively tell me if having an egg over easy is good for me or bad for me, they've jumped over that fence 15 times in my fucking life. Okay, if they can't even fucking do that. All right? Well, you can have a human being that you can communicate with, eat the egg and be like, how do you feel right now? You know, I feel pretty good to use a little more coffee.

Right? If they can't fucking figure that out, they can figure out a dog taking a shit whether this is good. I mean, it's marking its territory. Ah, I'm calling bullshit. One dead 22 rescued at border after heavy rains in California. I've never seen a state not be able to deal with fucking rain the way this one. They can't fucking drive in it.

You know, nobody has an umbrella and all of a sudden somebody like literally would drown in a puddle. You know, they got the acid plants. They're getting used to them. They lose their balance. You know, they fall down. Botox makes them skinny and that's it. Then they just, they just go under a couple of tacked on London bus. Say thugs asked how lesbians have sex.

Did anything good happen out here? China mixing military and science in Arctic push. Okay. Leonardo DiCaprio blamed by Brazil's president for Amazon forest fires. I thought he was an environmentalist. Man, this is just, what the fuck is site of my own? This is Google news. This is what's going on.

Jesus Christ. All right, fuck all of that. All right, I apologize. You know something? This fucking podcast is a goddamn disgrace. It's late. It's not entertaining. Okay.

I, you know, evidently, see all you guys have been making fun of me for all of this fucking time about how dumb I am, how I can't read out loud and all of this shit. Right. And here I, what do I do? I put my fucking nose in a book for the last 72 hours and look, look at the fucking shit show you left with. All right, let's read the goddamn advertising.

All right, I promise you guys after I pass this test, this is the last book I'll ever be reading. I actually get a bunch of books I need to read. Just stacked up here. Keep giving me books. I got the code, book called Apache, Texas flood. I still got to read Red Odyssey.

What else do I got here? Springfield Confidential. I read the Beastie Boy, Beastie Boy's hardcover book. Michael Rappaport. This book has balls. He gave me that book like fucking three years ago. I still haven't read it.

I always feel like when somebody gives me a book, it's like a fucking practical joke. You know what I mean? It'd be like if somebody was like fucking tone deaf or something like that and you gave them a goddamn, I don't know, how to sing DVD, some shit, I don't know. Gee, Bill. Gee, Jesus, stop fucking.

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with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cirrillas.com. Stop reading. All right. Quip, everybody. Quip. The holiday shopping season is here. All right. Evidently it's here. It is officially here. Black Friday. Oh, my God. Can I look this up real quick?

Black Friday. Did anybody get trampled? Black Friday Injuries 2019. Comes right up. Okay. The Hague Stabbing. Several injured at Shopping Center on Black Friday. Today, death and injury by Black Friday sale. Four stats that will make you hate Black Friday. All right. Hang on a second.

All right. Hang on. What have we got here? Death and injury. Every Thanksgiving holiday season. It's just like, just get to the fucking point. Okay. Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup. Nothing happened. Black Friday related injuries and deaths.

This is just, I'm just fucking clickbait guy today. The Hague Stabbing. Maybe this is two hours ago. 300 and stabbing at Shopping Center in the Hague. What is the Hague? Oh, the Netherlands on Friday. Well, that's not Black Friday for them. They don't have fucking Christmas over there, right?

The incident happened inside the Hudson Bay Department Store along a busy shop. Look at the Netherlands. People getting stabbed over fucking wooden shoes that are fucking 80% off. I love this story. Jesus Christ. Those fucking people over there,

they're all like six foot four and weigh like 150 pounds. That could be fatal. Their entire body shape like a fucking artery. All right. The three victims were released from the hospital after being treated for their injuries, police said. The suspect is believed to be a man of 45 to 50 years old. Police said he was wearing a gray jogging tracksuit.

Due to the complexity and care, this takes time. We understand this. What the fuck happened? The shopping area was busy due to Black Friday holiday shoppers. Why would they have Black Friday on fucking... I don't get it. That would mean they have Thanksgiving?

Black Friday... Wait a second. This is blowing my mind. If you got Black Friday but you don't get Thanksgiving, I got to tell you Netherlands, you're getting fucked over here. Is Black Friday national? No, international, sorry. International.

International. I want to point out I spelled this correctly. Stores around the world are adopting Black Friday. Oh, brother. Holding their own sales during Americans Thanksgiving weekend to compete with American retailers. It's no longer just about snagging the year's hottest items at bargain prices.

Black Friday is a cultural spectacle that's spread overseas. Ooh. Oh, Jesus Christ. Is that something else we can take fucking credit for? Black Friday, nuclear weapons. Over-eating. You know what? Fuck you, man. We still got great music. We make great movies.

Okay, we got the blue jeans. We started that, right? Muscle cars. Baseball. The picket's getting a little slimmer. I was going to say Michael Jackson but that didn't end well. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'm doing this off the top of my head.

I'm sure the Grand Canyon, that's a nice one. All right, we can't export that, can we? You can send pictures. Sell them on Black Friday. Quip, the holiday shopping season is here. And this, your gift can stat next year's good habit with Quip. Quip is something that's sure to put a smile on everyone's mouth because it's dental care they'll actually want to use every day.

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There's a lot of refills in that sentence. To save on gift sets and to get your first refill free with a refill plan. That's your first refill free at getquip.com slash burr. Getquip.com slash burr. Oh, butcher box. Oh, my God. I might gag while I read this. I've ate so much fucking butcher box the last couple of days. Not everyone has a...

Okay, butcher box, everybody. I got to give a cleaner intro to this thing. Butcher box, ladies and gentlemen. Not everyone has convenient access to high quality meat. Hey, let's leave the homeless out of this, huh? Luckily, there's butcher box. Butcher box believes everyone deserves high quality humanely sourced meat. Every month, butcher box ships a curated section of high quality meat right to my home.

All meat is free of antibiotics and added hormones. Each box has nine to 11 pounds of meat. That's enough for 24 individual meals. And it's big enough to throw through the window at a Walmart. So you can be the first guy in on Black Friday. Packed with fresh... Packed fresh and shipped frozen and vacuum sealed so it stays that way. You can customize your box or go with one of theirs.

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That's a whole nother level. Options like 100% grass fed, grass finished, beef, free range organic chicken, heritage pork. It's not a heritage breed anymore, huh? Heritage pork. Wild, caught, Alaskan salmon. You don't know what the fuck those fish are going to do. Okay, they're wild and out. Talking shit to each other and they're being judged.

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Well, I got to tell you right now. I think this is Michigan University, the University of Michigan. This is their best chance to beat Ohio State in a long fucking time. Okay, they've had a rough go of it this century. But what are they? They beat Notre Dame. They beat Michigan State. Ohio State really hasn't played anybody this year, played Penn State.

Other than that, we fucking weak Indiana. They got a big one against Rutgers. We'll see what happens. Oh my God. I think it's high time that state school in Michigan beat that state school in Ohio. I just want to see, I want to see hardball win one. You know, I don't know. This could be amazing though.

But I mean, if Michigan wins this one, Michigan wins this one. They will actually knock Ohio State out of the playoff. Which how hilarious would that be? Considering all Ohio State fans do every fucking year is bitch that they're not in it. But that one fucking year, okay, when they had one loss and Penn State also had one loss and Penn State beat Ohio State and won the Big 10 championship, somehow fucking Ohio State went to the playoff and Penn State didn't. You didn't hear anybody in Columbus complaining about that one?

No, you did not. It's a fucking one way street right there in the center of Ohio. I don't give a shit, people. I'm fucking around. I just want to see a good game. Okay. I'm sick of Ohio State winning. I want to see Michigan win.

There you go. There. I said it. All right. I respect both programs. Go fuck yourselves. Okay. Well, that is the podcast.

This is the heartburn podcast right after the day after Thanksgiving. Today was Black Friday and I got to tell you something. I didn't buy anything. I didn't buy a goddamn thing. In fact, I never left the house. I went out and I brought the trash barrels in. That's what I did. And I studied for this fucking test.

Hey, guess what? I got a long intro here. Please intro Justin Long podcast clip. You know what? Justin Long, the brilliant, lovable, adorable, clean cut. Absolutely. You want America? You go see him.

One of my favorite people in this business on and off stage. Okay. I did his podcast. All right. So I'm supposed to intro the podcast clip. All right. Listen to my full interview with Justin Long on his white. You know what?

Here right here is the clip from me on Justin Long's podcast. I always ask who everyone's favorite Muppet is, but I hesitate to ask you. So hard. I can tell you my one of my favorite sketch is the one with all the monsters. Some of us are here. It's such a funny. Yeah. All the hairy ones and all the scary ones.

Some of the scary ones. Yeah. And then that guy that it was like. Yeah. It was the one with the horns going up and then the little baseline band, but they did two with that guy. And it was just one of the things like this guy should have been a bigger star Muppet. So I liked all of that.

I love Grover. Grover had such a good heart. I loved Ernie because Ernie was silly. Yeah. It's funny when it's funny. I liked all the happy ones that I'm really more off to the grouch. But I liked all of it. Yeah, me too.

I loved it. And I was a real little kid. I used to like when it was Grover sang a song with this little boy Muppet. It was G Grover, G like the letter G and G George. I used to watch that as a little kid. It would almost make me cry. Yeah. You just all young and innocent before you went to school and shit.

Yeah. No, that was a huge thing. And I got my daughter was an intuitive first and now I got her into it. And that's got to be one of the best parts about being a dad. Well, it's changed a lot. And I have to admit, Elmo is sort of the what's that Star Wars character that everybody hated. Oh, Char Char. Elmo annoys me a little bit.

Elmo's always like, you know, there's always up there. Yeah. Yeah. A little too positive. It's a difficult voice to listen to. Yeah. Yeah. It's always.

Oh my God. Elmo's got it. Elmo, chill. Fucking. What are you drinking? Relax. Have a seat. All right.

You, you like that, didn't you? Would you like to listen to the rest of it? Well, listen to my full interview with Justin Long on his podcast, life is short. Okay. Here's a short clip before the throwbacks. Oh, that's what I was supposed to say. I don't fucking, I don't know what I'm supposed to, I don't know how it works. All right.

I would think that I would say, you would, I'd say, Hey, here's a clip for me on Justin Long's podcast, and then they play the clip and then I say, Hey, you want to listen to the full, my full interview with Justin Long on his podcast, life is short. I will have a fucking link for you to click on. That's what I would do. Anyways, listen to this music. Now there's music, music. Yes.

Music. And we'll listen to a throwback Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday, morning podcast where I didn't eat half a fucking turkey, mashed potatoes and fucking, you know, I was thankful for. I actually smoked a cigar with Josh Adam Myers at my house after we had done some standup and we're sitting out on the porch and my lovely wife came out and she heated up some mac and cheese for us. So we had orange, Fanta, sodas, smoking cigars, eat mac and cheese sitting out there in the

cold. One of the great Wednesday night memories I'll ever have before Thanksgiving. All right. And I'm thankful for my lovely wife, although I never tell her that I don't. I just I'm a big believer in not telling the person you're with what you feel about them. Okay. And you only bring up stuff when they do it wrong. Okay.

And that is the secret to the success of my relationship. All right. Have a great weekend. Go blue. Go bees. Go Celtics. Go Patriots. Go fuck yourselves.

Have a great weekend. I'll talk to you in one day. Have a great weekend. I'll talk to you in one day. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, November 28, 2011. How the hell are you?

Let's get right into this shit this week. There's been some confusion by about nine listeners who for some reason can't find my podcast since I got a new website. If you go on to iTunes, you'll see the old feed. And now there's also a new feed. And in the new feed, we have all the fucking, you know what I just realized? I'm explaining this to people who can't find the web, not the website, who can't find the fucking podcast.

So then what? I'm really just telling it to people who are already here and get it. Because if you're listening to this, you found it. So I feel like that fucking preacher who's trashing everybody in church who showed up. And where is everybody this week? I don't know. But I'm here. You cunt.

Go ahead. Get on with it. Get on with it. What else did he do? And then he walked on water while juggling three bushes and they were all on fire. He wore a robe and had a beard and had a bunch of friends. But when the shit hit the fan, they all turned their backs. Poor fucking hippie.

Why did they do that? Now they took him down to Home Depot. Am I really going to continue with this? And they got some fucking lumber. That's absolutely sacrilegious. I actually, I was watching some YouTube videos, some videos on the YouTube there. I just think that's a horrible page. It's bad for children.

They should be out reading. They should be interacting with one another. They shut up, lady. I was watching some videos on, you know, people said they believe in God and people who are atheists. Like the YouTube video this week is a clip of Steve Harvey saying, if you don't believe in God, I think you're an idiot. No offense.

That's just how I feel. And then they show all this shit about, you know, science as far as their version of what's going on. And you know what? I was watching that. Nobody knows shit. Nobody. Nobody can prove anything.

Nobody can fucking prove anything. Science can go back to a certain point and then the fucking religious people will be like, well, then who created the gas man? And then they'll figure that out. And they just keep going back and back and back. And I don't think you're ever going to get the answer how the fuck we're all here. I respect what scientists are doing because they're like, well, why don't we get some definitive answers instead of just having some fat guy who's making eyes at my son over here standing

up there going, and on the seventh day, he took a break because he was tired because he made all this stuff. And that's what happened. Go fuck yourselves. Give me some fucking money or else you'll go to a bad place. You know, you got to respect. I'm not shitting on all religions. That's just how my religion went.

That was actually for black people out there. That's actually considered singing in church. That's what we do. We don't fucking, you know, sound like outtakes from some Aretha session. We sound like fucking idiots. That's the way they sing in white church. Yo, that's how we do in the Catholic Hizzy. You know, I didn't think I was going to be funny this week.

I got to admit for the first two minutes, I've been pretty goddamn funny. Four minutes. Four minutes of fucking hilarity. Where are you right now? Are you at work? Huh? Why aren't you doing a fucking, why aren't you doing your job? Does it even matter anymore?

Hershey, you guys like chocolate? Huh? You tubs of shit? Everybody likes chocolate. I like chocolate. Um, evidently they're moving all their fucking, you know, plants down to fucking Mexico. Could you be any more American than a big fucking Hershey bar? How much more American does that get?

Then they came out with the big block for the fatties, you know, because they don't have time to have a big gulp. Maybe their, their, their cheeks are sore from going for fucking, you know, 97 ounces. They go, hey, you know what? Why don't you just eat this big block of, why don't we just give you a goddamn school brick worth of fucking chocolate? I mean, that's America right there. And where they going? They're going down to New Mexico, which technically is still the Americas. It's North America.

Yeah. How come it's south of us? Because there's a whole other fucking continent below that. And God made that. It was on the third day and then he made Asia. Um, oh, I got to give some shout outs, shout outs this week. Oh, snap. Oh, snapazoid.

I got some fucking shout outs. Shout out to Ashton Kutcher. Kutcher. Why is my voice cracking? I didn't do any shows this weekend. I was fucking lazy. I actually played a pickup hockey game last night where I didn't know really anybody. And it's always funny when you're the guy who sucks the most.

Um, that's funny. Is that moment when they figure it out? You know, could you get out on the ice and you're open? And you're like me. You can skate good enough where it looks like when they pass the puck to you that you're going to be able to stop it as opposed to have it going right off your fucking stick and over to the defenseman. It takes a shift and a half provided you don't fall down and do something absolutely horrific

on your first shift. But as long as you're able to stand up, you go backwards a little bit, they have faith in you for a shift and a half. And then all of a sudden you notice you're wide open. You're calling for the puck. You're banging your stick on the ice just like they do on the fucking TV. And for some reason they'd rather fucking pass it to somebody else than you realize they figured it out.

I suck. You go back to the bench. Nobody's looking at you. And you're just sitting there a man without a country just looking down the bench. That was your Thanksgiving. Anybody? Okay. Yeah.

There's one fucking dude. Won't even look at me. It's like, dude, what the? Hey, what do you say to that sunshine? Right over here. I don't see you fucking call it up the ice either. Granted, you're not falling down. Creating a two on none.

Um, no, I actually sat there and I was just like, I felt like a douche and I literally just wanted to go home. I was that much worse than everybody else there. And then I was just like, what am I fucking eight years old? I don't give a shit. I'm going even harder this next shift. And I was a puck chasing jackass because that's what you do when you suck. If you suck, you just got to go as hard as you can.

So at least they see you got a little hot. You got some fucking hot. By the way, the shout outs. Let's let's do the shout outs. Oh, I was going to do Ashton Kutcher. Let me get back to that to all the Buffalo Saber fans. I actually felt bad for you. I did because you wanted justice.

Okay. You want to talk about some people that probably don't believe in God right now or at least a hockey God. It has to be fans of the Buffalo Sabers after Milan Lucic slammed into their goalie. Oh, I got to show you that YouTube video when Ryan Miller calls him a piece of shit. It's just fucking hilarious. He goes, you know, people say he's a tough guy and everything and I respected him. But after that play, you know, he's just a piece of shit.

I mean, there's a piece of shit move. Yeah, he's easy. He's a piece of shit. And then he walked away. I'm like, that's how every sports interview should be conducted. Just say exactly what you think. For those who are non hockey fans, basically, this is what happened. They passed the puck up to Lucic.

He had a breakaway, but a bounced off his stick much in the way every pass on my stick gets bounced right off. So then it's like going down towards the goalie. It's like 20 feet out in front of him. Luch is skating towards the puck and then Ryan Miller comes out skating like a goalie. Waddling like some fat chick with his big pads. All right. And at the last second, right as Lucic is going to get it, he pokes it away.

And I think Milan got a little frustrated. So he said, all right, you fucking little cunt. And he slammed into him. And then the Buffalo Sabres, if you hit somebody's goalie, that's it. They're supposed to start frothing at the mouth and just swinging their sticks. And you know what? You know what the Sabres did? They did nothing.

They did nothing. So they had this big team meeting and everybody's like, how the fuck did nobody do anything there? That was ridiculous. So the Bruins were playing him again this past Wednesday and everybody, oh, Milan Luch just got to fucking get his head caved in, blah, blah, blah. So Luch goes out on the ice third shift of the game. They send their fighter, their goon, their enforcer right next to him.

Luch smiles. So here it is. The Sabres are going to beat him down. They drop the gloves. They both take their helmets off. They go at it. And Luch just pounds this guy into the fucking ice. And I got to admit, I felt the air go out of the building right then and there.

He did make a nice move later on in the period when he got Luch charred to get into a fight. And all Bruins fans got to see how fucking important that guy is out on the ice. All right. That was really fucking. That was a fucking left term. All right. Let's get this a little more mainstream. Shout out to Ashton Kutcher.

All right. He and Demi Moore have broken up. And I'm here to say hats off to you, Mr. Kutcher. Hats off to you. You did the right thing. Okay. You went out there. There was some chick from your childhood.

You hooked up with her. You got a little enamored. Little enamored with her. And then what? You got married all that fucking night. You're out of it. Good for you. Good for you.

That just unhooked there because at the end of the day. You have to get out of that. You got to get out of that one. You know? These fucking people who get married to people who are like two decades older than them. You're basically saying I want to be single at 50. You know? Because she looks fucking, she looks better now than she looked back in the 80s.

But you know, at the end of the day, there's no, there's no bull talks for you for your fucking hat. Right? Or your pussy. And if you look on, on, if you look on the back of the tube of Botox. It comes in a tube form now. It's a cream. I saw it last night when I was watching Cindy's theorem.

If you look on the warning label, it says warning does not help your heart or your pussy. It says it right in the back of the tube of Botox. Just to let you know. Good for him. That's, that, that, that is a good move. All right? Cause I know she looks like she's 26, but her womb is so polluted. No, at this point, I mean, can she even have a kid at this point?

Like what, what is, what is the point of continuing that one? You got to get out of there, right? I think he made a great move. I don't know about you guys. So that's my shout out of the week. That's a tough fucking move. You got to leave an icon. You got to leave a fucking icon and just say, listen.

All right. I know, I know you're 53. I've been on your Wikipedia page. I know how fucking old you are. This is ridiculous. I'm still 31. I'm in the prime of my fucking life. And I know you look good on the red carpet, but let me tell you something.

When I see you walk down the hall in the morning and your face is all shiny and all that type of shit. That's so fucking mean. Why am I doing this? Why would I do this? I am totally burning the bridge right now. Why does that keep on hooking? Because I keep moving it. Anyways, let's get on with the podcast here.

How was your guys' Thanksgiving? Did I bring it up last week? I really feel like I got to let you guys down. That the Wednesday before Thanksgiving is one of the greatest holidays. It's one of the greatest fucking holidays of the year here in the United States. And I know it's never really talked about. It's fucking underground. All right.

That's the one where if you're a young fella, okay, or a young lady, right? You're halfway through a semester. You come home, and you go down to the local watering hole, and it's just shooting fish in a barrel. All those broads, you wanted to bank for fucking high school, but you were too much of a fucking nerd. You know? Yeah, I know what happened. You fucked up in second grade, and you ended up in the wrong group. You had some fucking snot hanging from your nose, and then they called you fucking snot nose,

and then just killed any chance of getting any fucking pussy. In your town. Well, now you're coming back like the fucking road warrior. You can go down there. Nobody knows what you're doing now. You don't go to school. You can just be this whole different person. Can't believe I let you guys down and didn't bring it up.

That's the day. That's the day to go down that fucking broad you always wanted to bank. That's the night, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. You go down to the fucking towny watering hole in your local town. Get yourself a scarf. Throw it around your neck. Look mysterious. Have a little bit of stubble going on.

Right? You just go down there and you, you know, try to go back and make up for lost time. It's the closest thing to a time machine you're ever going to get to. You know? Or I would say like the movie, The Nutty Professor. Back in high school, you were the fucking nerd. You know, in the original one, or you were the tub of shit. And now you come back, you're Billy Ray Valentine.

And I let you guys down. There's a couple of things I let you guys down with. You know what's funny? My girl came to me. The lovely Nia. And, you know, we just moved into a new place. I don't even have a fucking dining room table. So we decided that we're going to go out to a restaurant.

Sacrilegious, by the way. Sacrilegious on turkey day. And when we ended up going to the Stinking Rose, which is just this fucking garlic crazed. I don't know what it was, but they actually had a turkey Thanksgiving dinner. It was fucking delicious. But I didn't want to get into it. At the end, they had dessert. I got the pumpkin pie and Nia got this garlic ice cream with hot fudge on the top of it.

She's going, just try it. It's interesting. Try it. I don't want to try. I don't want to try. It's interesting. I don't want to. They just keep going higher up with their voice.

You're fine. I'll fucking do it. Stop asking me. So I tried it. It was fucking horrific. As horrific as you would think. I love garlic, but I never think. Ooh, let me stick it in an ice cream with some hot fudge on it.

It was horrific. So anyways, before we go over there. Before we go over there, she goes, um, I have something to tell you. I think I might have screwed up. And I'm like, what do you mean you might have screwed up? She's like, well, so and so doesn't have any place to go for Thanksgiving. And they asked if they could come and I said, okay, I felt bad. Is it okay if so and so comes?

And I go, no. I go, no. She goes, what do you mean, no? I go, no. She goes, but he doesn't have any place to go. That's cause he's a douche. All right. I mean, that's, I can't believe I didn't bring this up last week.

I should have fucking warned you guys because I know some of you guys have lived this. You know that fucking guy who has nowhere to go and then somebody feels bad for him because it's the feel bad for people time of year. So you got to fucking invite this person over and give me a fucking break. Okay. Unless you just went through a divorce. You just moved across the country or you're, you're, I don't know what you fell out of a fucking satellite. There's no reason that you don't have anywhere to go on Thanksgiving.

All right. I guess there are reasons, but nine out of 10 times. The reason is you're a douche. Okay. If you're in your thirties and forties, you have had, you've had three to four decades to make friends to eat with. Oh my God. Give me a fucking break. Thank God the person didn't show up because I can tell you right now.

If we were having Thanksgiving over here, I just would have said no. I met the guy one time. After five minutes, I was like, I want to fucking kill this guy. You know, five minutes. I didn't know the guy five minutes early, earlier, five minutes later. I like, I want to fucking kill this guy. You know, I might even want to kill myself. Murder, suicide, just so I can forget how awful this fucking conversation is.

No wonder this guy doesn't have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving. He came up to me and the Celtics were playing the Lakers. I said, I'm from Boston. I go, yeah, I hate the Lakers, right? You know. He goes, what do you mean you hate the Lakers? I go, I hate the Lakers. He spends five minutes trying to convince me that I don't hate the Lakers.

It's such a ridiculous argument. I finally just go, all right, you're right. I don't hate the Lakers. And he goes, well, no, no, you can't just tap out. You can't just abandon your argument. And I just wouldn't like, dude, you are a fucking crazy person. And I walked away from him. And then the whole rest of the time over there, I keep,

every time I would look across the room, he'd sort of be just like staring at me. And I'm looking back and I'm like, what? You're a douche to fuck away from me. So this is the guy. I just feel bad. He has got nowhere to go. You know, like he doesn't have any sort of responsibility in the fact that he has nowhere to go. You're an argumentative cunt.

Fucking sit next to that guy on Thanksgiving. I'm trying to throw down as he tries to convince me that I don't like turkey. One of those douchebags who probably ordered something vegetarian on that day and make some big production about it. I just feel bad. I just feel bad. Anyways, you know what, I got a huge week this week. I just got exhausted yelling about somebody I don't even give a fuck about.

You know something, I really got to get some chairs down here because this whole laying on the floor with my fucking melon against the wall is really starting to get old. Anyways. So this is my week this week, everybody. I'm doing a gig in western Massachusetts. All right. At the western Massachusetts polypavilion.

I don't even know the name of the fucking thing. Hang on a second. Oh, let me go to my new website. By the way, if you guys, we got... It was a slow week this week for emails and that type of shit. Which I understand why. It's the holiday season. Inviting people who got nowhere to go.

Oh, that's right. They're a fucking cunt. Oh, there it is, the fucking cunt. All right. I'm at the Calvin Theater, December 1st, north Hampton, Massachusetts. December 2nd, I'm at the Borgata Music Box, Atlantic City, New Jersey. And on the 3rd, I'm at the Biome Theater in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. That is my weekend.

If you go to billbird.com and you click on events, it'll give you links to all the tickets. I got a brand new hour of shit, you motherfuckers. Come on down and see it. And also, we had a slow week for emails. Just to remind everybody, the emails for the podcast, for advice and all that, because everybody was sending them to my other email address, send it to bill at themmpodcast.com.

Bill at themmpodcast.com. And I'll read you shit, and hopefully it'll lead to some sort of hilarity. So you're probably saying to yourself, well, Jesus, Bill, you're going to Massachusetts, you're going to New Jersey, and you're going to Pittsburgh. Is that all you're doing? You're going to come right home after that? Fuck no. Fuck no.

On November 30th, the Bruins play the fucking Maple Leafs. Up in Maple Leaf Gardens. I don't know what they call their new one. I'm going to that game. Then I'm going over to Massachusetts to do my gig. Then I go down to Jersey to do that gig. Then I go over to Pittsburgh, and I'm fucking hanging there. I haven't even told any of this.

She's going to get so fucking mad at me. And I'm hanging there the next day. I'm going to Pittsburgh, the Bengals, and then on Monday, I'm going up to Ottawa, doing a little hockey trip here with a football game in the middle of it. Why not? What the fuck else do I got to do? Huh? Am I going to go holiday shopping with all these fucking maniacs and get pepper sprayed

because I'm trying to buy a juicer? You know? I don't have one ounce of fucking sympathy for any fucking idiot out there. I don't give a fuck about your financial goddamn position. Go make a popsicle stickhouse. Okay? Don't fucking go down to Walmart and sit there with your goddamn fucking big gulp face pressed against the glass, trying to run down a fucking aisle with four and other crazed

maniacs trying to get a waffle iron. What the fuck is wrong with you? Walk in there like a gentleman. All right? Go in there some other time when it's not fucking mayhem. And why don't you do this? Pay full price and buy less shit. Why don't you do that?

You know? And let me guess. Is this insensitive? What am I the people that don't have any money? Well, then you just buy less shit. How? You know, the fastest fucking way to still having no money is to go down to a fucking department store and buy a ton of shit.

These people, they're fucking idiots. You know? I'm not saying that they weren't blessed, that they didn't get some gifts from a higher power. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that some of them can't sing a song. Can't do a dance. Can't fix a fucking motor.

I'm not saying that. This is why I'm saying you're a fucking idiot because you're buying into the hype the same way those stupid fucking nerd cunts buy into this fucking eye whatever. iPad, iPod, the new iPhone, every fucking goddamn six months. They get themselves all worked up into this fucking frenzy. And they're going on the website trying to say, how many are you there? How many are you there? It's completely, it's false panic.

It's manmade. I swear to God, you know what kills me is Walmart has, I have not been able to find their reaction. To basically, I mean, aren't they in a sales way screaming fire in a crowded movie theater? Isn't this what, I mean, every fucking year, I remember this security guard got trampled. He had a fucking heart attack. He died because somebody's trying to go down and buy a fucking He-Man doll for half price. You know, so somebody can pop the head off and have a toddler get it lodged in their throat. These are all facts, people.

All this shit's happened. All right, Porter Ranch. Where the fuck is Porter Ranch? That just sounds like the one of those states, right? Never meaning no harm went down to the Walmart to get some fucking chaps. And he shot an unarmed man, gotten his challenger, and then he fucking drove away. Where the fuck is it? I lost it.

Woman pepper spray, Porter Ranch. All right, Porter Ranch. Would you like balsamic vinaigrette or would you like the Porter Ranch? Here we go. Ah, you cunt. Porter Ranch. Oh, that's fucking Los Angeles. Get the fuck out of here.

It's in a fluid neighborhood in the northwest region of the San Fernando Valley, see? Look at me getting exposed for the more on I am. That's even worse. You know, I refuse to believe that rich people went down to a fucking Walmart with pepper spray. I'm not buying this one. Have they seen the lady who did it? Anyways, people stop buying into this fucking crap. You know, take some power back in your own life.

You know what you should do on Black Friday? Stay home. St. Patrick's Day. A bunch of morons going out, drinking their faces off, being loud. The green alligators singing these stupid songs with plastic hats on their heads. And eventually they're really going to punch you in the face or throw up on your shoes. Stay home. Like a fucking gentleman.

Go out, go down to the liquor store. Get yourself a nice bottle of scotch. Have a few friends come over. You know, make your corned beef sandwiches there. You know, and then watch some fucking Irish mob movie. Go watch State of Grace or some shit. I don't fucking know. But you don't go down there for that horseshit.

You don't go out on Valentine's. Go on a Valentine's. Go get yourself sushi that's been marked up 300%. Go fuck yourself. You go out on the 15th. I can't say I love you on that day. You know, independent thought people on a very low level. I'm not reinventing the wheel.

I'm just realizing there's other days in the year where you can go and walk into a store and buy a fucking phlobe without getting run through with a fucking swifter mop handle. Ah, this just should have said swifter. There's a lesson in comedy that I'll get run through by a fucking swifter. That would have been funny, but I was going to run through with a swifter mop handle. It's like I was in a band and I stopped fucking late. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus, Bill, you can't even say it funny.

Let's read about this. Porter Ranch. What a fuck is it? What did I just do? Ah, for Christ's sake. Hey, what's going on with Wikipedia? Where every time you go on it now, they're like asking for money like the PBS. Oh my God, we provide such a service.

We don't charge for it. I'm actually going to give them some money because all of my uninformed knowledge comes from them. What am I looking up here? Let's just write pepper spray. Pepper spray Black Friday. Can't we do that? And then we click on myfoxla.com, giving them a shout out. There you go.

I really have to stop saying shout out. All right, Porter Ranch. The woman accused of shooting pepper spray at other customers at a busy Walmart store in Porter Ranch, injuring 20, was described by police today as about five foot three inches tall between the ages of 32 and 38 with black hair and brown eyes. Police do not have a description of the vehicle the woman was driving. I'd like to make a guess if I could. I'm going to say she was driving some sort of Chrysler vehicle, probably some rusted out

cab forward designed, you know, with one of the tail lights, you know, the backup lights hanging down. Los Angeles Police Department fucking detectives said detectives are actively working on the case but are not expected to receive surveillance video from Walmart until early next week because of technical glitches. How hilarious is that? I bet if that bitch went in there and robbed the fucking store, cleaned out all the registers, how quickly do you think Walmart would have got that video over? Yeah, you know, we don't have technical glitches.

That's how fucking powerful Walmart is. I just told the cops to stand down. We'll get you the video when our lawyers are done looking at it. That's what the fuck that means. Do you know how much money we generate for this community? Officer, huh? I live in a gated community with my own fucking private police force that has better guns than yours. We'll get you the video when we're good and goddamn fucking ready.

No wonder Walmart hasn't made a comment. You know, they never used to have this shit when I was a kid. Or at the very least, it was never reported. You know, they'd start to have sales but it wasn't this fucking mania. I'm an asshole. I gotta do that next year. Next year, I'm gonna hire a camera crew. And I'm gonna go down there and I'm gonna just fucking start talking to these people and ask them,

what is all the excitement about? What do you think is in there that's gonna make your life better? Huh? What do you think is in there? And don't give me the sad sack fucking story about how you got kids and it's Christmas time and if there's no presents under the fucking tree, what's gonna happen? Gee, I don't know. Biggie Small seemed to make it work.

Didn't he? He just rapped about being broke and everyone related to it. And then he made us sold a bunch of albums and then he got shot. Alright, that was a bad example. Um... Look, all I'm saying is this. Alright. There's no reason.

You know, you're probably thinking that I'm trashing you for going. I just don't want you. I want you to just have fucking respect for yourself. Like those fucking idiots when they go to a goddamn game and those skipping jackasses come out with the free t-shirts and everybody reaching over everybody. I just wish once I could just have some sort of crowd mind control and as they sat there, you know, skipping around with their eyebrows up like,

huh? Huh? Do you want it? Do you want it? Everybody just sort of sits there staring back at them until it's so fucking awkward they just have to throw it and then it just sort of lands in the aisle and nobody picks it up. And then of course the people on the arena is like,

well, someone's going to trip on that. We're going to get sued and then they got to send those skipping jackasses to go pick up all their t-shirts that nobody wanted and then they're left with a fucking truckload of them. That's what I would like to see happen. Stop trying to get me excited about shit. You know what Walmart has in it? It has a bunch of shit.

What do they really have in there? Bicycles, form and grills, jackets, rakes. What else do they got? Fucking DVD player. I mean, you can't get one of those for $9 on the goddamn internet. I don't know. I just think if you're in a financial position where you have to risk being trampled to death,

you basically have to go to the store version of the running of the bulls to get a goddamn fucking, I don't know, grilled cheese maker. I'm running out of dumb shit to talk about. Or a PlayStation or whatever the fuck it is. If you have to do that, you can't afford it. And if you go out and buy the fucking thing, you're just sticking yourself further behind the fucking rock.

Why don't you just have a couple of light Christmases so then you can have a better Christmas? You know? Why don't you do that? Instead of doing all these fucking dumb cunts in that real housewife's show, do. You know? Pay for that cash money.

Those fucking morons who do not understand money. You know? Oh, I'm on my soapbox this week. Yeah. Just live with nothing for a while. As long as you can fucking eat and you got plenty of water, you're fine. Do you realize if you have enough to eat

and you have water, do you realize that you're living better than probably a third of the world? Just doing that. Having a place to take a shit. Having clothes on your back. Having toothpaste and a toothbrush. Do you understand how fucking far ahead you are? You don't need any of that shit.

And yes, it's nice to have, but it's not worth going down there and falling down and having your wig fall off or your fucking ass crack hang on all this shit that I've seen. Dislocating your knee. Having some poor bastard trying to hold people back and he has a heart attack and he dies. Or you're too small.

I need a competitive edge. Let me go get some bear mace. Do you understand how caught up into the fucking frenzy you are that you make those goddamn decisions? You don't even need to be down there. Just go down to a fucking osco drug. Do those things still exist? Whatever happened in the old days, leech mares.

Remember that? I was talking about that with some buddies yesterday. Go down to leech mares. Why don't you go down to the lumber yard and go make some toys like a fucking elf? Anything. Anything. You know, other than...

I mean, couldn't you just go like, look, we don't have Sadie and kids. We don't have money for Christmas this year. All right? We don't, but I do have money to take you to a ball game. I'll take us all out to a ball game. All right? And just know this, we're going to have better Christmases.

But the most important thing is that we're all together and we all love each other and that we don't get trampled by some hot dog eating jackass with a can of fucking bear mace. It's more important to me. Fucking showing up Christmas. You know, dressed up in Santa Claus

with your dislocated shoulder and your fucking eyes are all red. Ho, ho, ho! Sadie's here. Don't hug Santa, that hurts. Um... I don't know, I'm sure I'm going to get some fucking hate mail over this. That was so insensitive to people who don't have money.

I know they don't have money, but they have fucking brains. All right, I think... You think I killed this subject? I think I did. I think I drove that one in the fucking ground. Um... Oh yeah, so anyway, so this is my trip. I can't really discuss this.

So I'm going to Bruins Maple Leafs. Then I do... I dance like a fucking whore. Three shows in a row. And then I'm going to a Steelers game. Then an Ottawa Senators game. And then I go to the fucking Bruins Winnipeg Jets game. And that's it.

That's my one... My one fun trip that I do every year. That doesn't involve shows. And uh... And that'll be it. I'll have knocked out all the fucking Canadian teams other than the Toronto Raptors. I even went to an Expo's game one time.

Oh, my life is empty. I told you that story. And it went up there. And I asked that fucking douchebag to take my picture. And he act like he didn't understand me. That French-speaking jackass. I'm holding a camera going. Can you do...

I... Go fuck yourself. Um... Alright, so let's get to dilemmas this week, everybody. Here we go. Here's some dilemmas. Hey Bill, would you rather have your grandmother's first name or her haircut?

Ew. Her haircut forever? If I had her haircut forever, I might as well have her first name. You know what? I'd take her first name. I'd take her first name. Alright?

Because I can always keep my mouth shut walking into a bar. No one has to know my fucking name. I'll just have her first name. I'll just lie to people. You know? But if I walk in with that haircut, that is it. I'm gonna get a wrong kind of attention.

I'm either gonna get the shit kicked out of me or someone's gonna love me in a way that I never wanted to be loved. So I'm taking the... I'd take her first name. Plus I think that's funny. You know? I think you get some sympathy pussy out of that. Why do you have that name?

What is your name, Ethel? Uh, yeah, I don't know. For some reason my dad named me after my grandmother. You know, I took a lot of beat downs, but you know, I learned how to overcome the obstacles. Um, anyways. Number two. Would you rather have to use the same condom over and over

or use condoms covered with pictures of Donald Trump? Ah, Jesus Christ. That's a no-brainer. I'd use condoms with Charles Manson's fucking face on the end of it. Rather than use the same one over and over? Was that like a dig on Donald Trump? I'd wear condoms with Donald Trump's face on it, even if they glowed in the dark.

I'd still wear them. You pulled a little string and it was his voice going, this is the greatest condom ever. Number three. Would you rather be publicly criticized for an hour or publicly praised for an hour? Alright. That depends on what kind of criticism it is.

If I could stand on stage for an hour in front of people who are going to get mad about what I said about religion or what I said about Black Friday, I would do that in a second. That's going to be way more fun than sitting there getting praised for an hour. Right? And the way you sit in that chair is incredible.

I mean, what do you say after fucking four minutes? Maybe that would be funny. To just sit there and watch somebody have to praise me for an hour. You know what? If I could get Joe DeRosa, if Joe DeRosa had to praise me for an hour, I would choose that. And he had to be sincere.

And he couldn't repeat anything. And he couldn't take, you know, other than breathing normally, he really couldn't take a break. And for a straight hour, he had to tell me why he thought I was awesome. I'd do that. But other than that,

I would take the criticism for an hour. Number four. Would you rather never wipe your ass for the rest of your life or never put on deodorant? That's a no brainer. No deodorant. I'm not suffering.

Your armpits don't get itchy when they stink. That's fucking gross. No, I would just have a washcloth with me. You know? And I would always wear short sleeves that were really loose. And I would just sort of every once in a while, a little dab will do me.

Right? Dude, it fucking never wipe your ass for the rest of your life. I'd have to live near a lake. Bill, you going swimming again? He swims really weird. Why does he walk until three feet of water, crouch down,

and just start vigorously gyrating in the water with his arms out? What is he doing? Is he pelvic pumping? Why is his- I hear his legs so far apart. That's got to be bad on the hips. That's what I would do.

If I could never wipe my ass for the rest of my life, I would have to live near a raging river. And I would stand with my fucking ass pointed upstream, hanging onto some sort of fucking log. Oh, Jesus. As opposed to no deodorant. I'd choose that. I'd choose-

I'd never wear deodorant again. I'd just move to Mississippi. Nobody would notice. Right? Just a good old boy, never using deodorant. Meets all, you ever saw been in trouble with the law.

All right, advice. Bill, my dad's 46 years old and swimming in the Bermuda Triangle of Midlife Crisis. Oh, Jesus. He starred himself for six months and spent hours in the gym, not accomplishing much in the way of building muscle, but calls himself a beast.

I love this guy. Add on every conversation leading to his workouts. Him posting on Facebook like a 13-year-old girl and him thinking he should be a personal trainer soon. And this guy is a full-on douche. How do I tell them that he's just skinny with his still ballooned head and no 25-year-old wants to bang him

without being a dick? How do you tell him that? Go fuck yourself. Thanks for the advice. Ah, Jesus. You know what, dude? I don't think you get in the way of that one. I get it.

You're embarrassed. Your dad is embarrassing you. All right? So what you have to do is you just have to get past your embarrassment of your dad. You know, at some point, as you get older, you just have to accept that your parents are who they are. They're going to do what they're going to do.

And you just got to let go and you got to bring your fucking chick over or whoever. Your friend's over. And don't try to control the situation. Just let them be the fucking crazy people that they are. All right? And there's two things that maybe make it better. One, you're fucking crazy, too.

And number two, they're not half as crazy as you think they are. You just live with them and you are fucking hypersensitive to everything that they do. The way they cough, the way they sneeze. Okay? You know what I mean?

It's like your friends are coming over hearing that shit for the first time. They're not even going to notice. Recently, I was hanging out with a buddy of mine. He's in his 30s. I'm in my 40s. All right? His dad's over there.

His mom's downstairs. And his dad says to him, hey, where do they keep the blah, blah, blah, blah? Just a normal question. My buddy goes, dad, why don't you just go downstairs and ask her instead of walking around and just always asking these questions. And I remember thinking like, wow,

this guy does that all the time and this annoys the shit out of my buddy and I didn't even notice it. All right? And I noticed, obviously, this guy going to the gym and all that type of shit. He's just going to look like a skinny guy. All right?

And if your dad really is a weirdo and he's a fucking spaz and all that, the person you're with is going to notice it. But if you're cool, I think you come off looking fine if you don't say anything. You just don't say anything. Or you can just give the speech before you go up

if you're bringing friends in. Just be like, yeah. You know, my dad's a little nuts. I wouldn't even do that. Just let people figure it out. You know? He's 46 years old, dude. And you got to give him,

you got to cut him some slack. You're not 46 years old. All right? Someday, you're going to be right on that cusp, the final, like I am, the final porthole of anybody from the opposite sex remotely given a fuck about you. You know?

And you do that. It's like this one time I saw this snake choke this goat to death. And the goat was like, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck. And at the last second, it just kicked its fucking legs like a maniac before it just died.

That's what your dad's doing. I'm not saying he's going to die, but his pussy, his pussy career, he's right at that point where he's just flailing and kicking his legs and it's going to happen. He's going to go to the gym.

Something's going to snap and then he'll just do some yoga or something, I don't know. There's no way to do it. Why are you going to do that to this guy? Okay, this is the one thing he has in his head. It's telling him that he looks good. Just let him fucking do it.

Let him dye his hair and just look like a total jackass. And one day he'll notice and if he doesn't, there's nothing you can fucking do about it, but you going over there and saying it, it's just going to cause resentment

and a big fucking argument. Just try to find the fucking humor in it in that total embarrassment of a father you have. All right? Overrated, underrated for this week. Overrated. Black nail polish.

Thanks, Kardashians. I'm sure this one came from your cum gargling clothing line. Way to step it up, girls. The auto mechanic, goth vampire dead body look is lovely and sanitary. I haven't even,

that's how out of the pussy loop I am. Is that what women are wearing now? Underrated. Free podcast. Aw, isn't that nice? Thank you. Underrated. Quality over quantity.

I haven't been laid in a while, but it's not because I don't want to. I'm not even reading the rest of this. No, wait. I haven't been laid in a while. Okay, no, you're right. You're right. I somehow was reading that was like, you know,

I haven't gotten laid in a while, but it's been my choice. I'm waiting for something good to come along. I thought that you were saying that. I guess you're not. All right. I haven't been laid in a while, but it's not because I don't want to.

It's because I don't want the first chick. Oh, he is saying that because I don't want the first chick back to be anything less than a nine. Most of these broads inspire me to hit the drive through. Rip a bowl and get a good night's sleep. Ah, come on now.

What are you fucking Brad Pitt? I got no problem with you shooting for the stars here. All right. You know, if you don't want to fuck with anything less than a nine, I'm going to tell you right now, you're going to have a tremendous usual suspect lineup of pussy that you've gotten in your life. And you know what else you're going to have?

For the most part, you're going to have a bunch of stuck up cunts. You know, why don't you settle into a seven or an eight? See how that treats you. I'm telling you, like the Nissan Maxima of pussy. You know, it's fast. It can handle, but also, you know,

it's a four door sedan. It's very practical. You're sitting there going for that pussy. That's a fucking two seater. Right? You know, you got to take it down, have the carburetor adjusted. They even have carburetors anymore.

I don't fucking know. I'm serious. You know, the whole thing is just sitting there. Quality over quantity. You're looking at women just physically at this point, which is you're probably, yeah, you know what? You're in the prime of your life.

I'm coming at you like some old man whose days are long past. And I'm, you should get yourself a nice girl. Don't listen to me. You're absolutely right. But you know, hitting the drive through, becoming a fat fuck and then smoking weed. I don't think that's going to get you a nine. Good night's sleep is good.

Moisturize. Underrated. Reunions. All the chicks get fat and the dudes get the Baldwin domes. Except me and my friends. We win. They lose. Peaking in high school is for fags.

Not gay people, but fags. Go to your reunion. Get shit-faced and let people know what you're made of. You know, I'd never been to a high school reunion. I never been to one. First of all, I was out of the fucking mailing loop. You know, I think the senior class president was supposed to be the one who organized that. And we, we for some reason elected somebody who wasn't going to get that job done.

So I've never gotten a fucking email until the last one. My 20 year one. I got an, I knew of because between 15 and 20 became the whole social medias. And then, what the hell was I doing? Oh, I was doing my uninformed radio show. So, plus, you know something? I get enough people that I went to high school with showing up at my shows. Right?

Isn't that the same fucking thing? I don't know. I don't know. I would never go to a high school reunion. I don't think I'd ever go to one of those. It would just make me feel like a fucking loser. I don't know why. I do that.

Like when I go to my hometown and I drive by my fucking high school, it just always makes me feel like a fucking loser. I look at it and I was like, oh god. I don't know what it is. I don't like going back. I like moving forward. Jesus Christ, am I all out of material for this week? And I got nine minutes left.

What the fuck am I going to do? All right, you want to hear my picks for this week? By the way, I fucking picked Kansas City one week too early. What they did against Pittsburgh last night was what I thought they were going to do against the Patriots. I zigged when I should have zagged.

So this week I took Pittsburgh given ten and a half and then I got fucked. Ugh. Oh, what were you at? So I guess they played better at home. Who the fuck knows? This is who I had this week. I had the Green Bay Packers won that one. Had the Carolina Panthers

won that one. Had the Chicago Bizz getting three. Lost that by two. I had the Pats and then I had the Pittsburgh Steelers. So we picked five games this week.

I went three and two. Verzi's got the Giants tonight getting nine. I liked it. I think that's a great pick. But you know, after what I said last week why would you listen? Because the Giants just perennially have a great fucking defense and they always have a good front four.

And if you got a good front four and they can get in the face of the fucking quarterback you know, as we all saw when the Giants fucking ruined the Patriots perfect season, which still stings Oh, that still bugs me when I think of that. They can get in Drew Brees's favor.

I mean nine points, that's a lot of fucking points. So I'm saying take the Giants. I'm going to start picking the Monday night games and what's going to happen is you guys are going to see a pattern. You're either going to be like, Bill is always right or fuck what Bill is saying. But either way, you can use me as a barometer.

Do the exact opposite of what he says or do the exact of what he says. Oh, you know what I bought this week? I bought Black Sabbath's first fucking album. And I can't believe how long I slept on these guys. I was always

like Black Sabbath, but I was always like a radio fan of Black Sabbath. And I did the Open Anthony program. Tony Iomi came in and he had a book and I'm starting to read the book. I'm getting into their stuff and now I'm listening to all their music and I'm just like, I'm the biggest

fucking idiot. I knew I was meeting a legend, but I didn't realize the level of legend that I was, it's probably better that I didn't, so I was actually able to fucking ask a couple of questions without sounding like a dork. In fact, I asked him

about John Bottoms foot technique. You know? Instead of asking him how to fuck the debt first album you made how did you how was six, five years earlier the Beatles going, she loves you

yeah, yeah, yeah and within five years of that you could come out with what you had like fucking unbelievable. Also YouTube video this week man watch anything that's I'm gonna have a link to one of

Black Sabbath live in Paris 1970 and look at fucking Bill Ward beating the shit out of his goddamn drums and you can already see I don't know, you can see

the bottom, just a little bit of bottom influence but what I love about all of those guys all those rock drummers from then was they all had a jazz influence from when they were growing up they all seemed, you know because when they were born in like the 40s so that was the end of the big band

into bebop then rock and roll and that had that rock ability swing anyways that's why those fucking drummers are so good I think they got that swing pulse oh my god could this fucking be any more fucking obscure um alright let's bring this around here people

I got three big shows this weekend and I need some motherfuckers to come out to these these goddamn shows alright as I mentioned and uh Doug Sinye is gonna be opening up for me Doug Sinye from fucking Boston Kid is gonna be opening for me um

I have not been this last time I was in western Massachusetts every time I go to western Massachusetts I think of that time I played Lee Massachusetts exit 2 off the mass turnpike that's all through that dinner roll at me missed thank god

through it like fucking 70 miles an hour hit the wall right but fine with any deduct out of the room um so you know what's funny is oddly I always get a little bit uh nervous when I go into western Massachusetts because that was such a traumatic

fucking experience and I'm not even I'm not even joking if you've never been on stage with lights in your eyes and you can't fucking see you know beyond four fucking rows or who's kidding who four tables it was a restaurant um hence the dinner roll

and somebody does something like that like the combination of anger and fear I don't think that ever goes away no matter how much yoga you do hahahaha I tell you guys I got back into yoga I did like

five hours of it last week and I feel great I feel great but what's funny is all I have is uh I have audio of one yoga class so it's the same yoga class every time and I'm not going to mention the guy's name

because I don't want to blow up his spot but this guy's a fucking genius he's a fucking genius okay I've gone to his class it's wall to wall people the hottest chicks you ever seen in your life and he walks around getting them all stretched out before he bags them and as he does the class

he's suddenly throwing out this shit about how he's good in bed it's I actually hated it at first because I was so fucking jealous of the genius of it and then I just had to let go of that anger and be like

you know what this guy is the fucking man he figured it out god bless him there's a line I'll cue it up next week I should have fucking no I can't because then I'll out the guy and I don't want to out him

because he's got an air tight just pipe pipe or a pussy thing he has going on over there I don't want to fucking ruin it but at one point one of the lines he goes um he was describing the stretcher doing and that it was basically like

somehow he sort of equated it to sex going you know I mean think about it we're hot we're wet we're touching ourselves everywhere I swear to god he says that in the class laughs and then he's got to get him back he goes seriously

seriously and quickly he gets it back on the rails like realizing he took it too far and then he so every day when I do this class the tape of the class when he says that I always laugh and then as he's going seriously

I just start going get him back get him back you're losing him and he gets some right fucking back and I'm telling you I know a lot of you right now are rolling your fucking eyes but I was I've been there it works not on all the broads

but if they're all 10s who gives a fuck um oh my god I got what is some of the other oh then he does that awful speaking for you like I don't know what happened to him at a gym I don't know if he ever got beat up at like a gold's gym or something

like that but one point he goes um because he was actually doing this one stretch he goes this is good for your kidneys or something like that he goes people when you go to the gym let me ask you a question um what machine there is for your kidneys what machine is for your knees

what machine is for your spinal cord and how many machines do they have for your biceps and and and whatever your shoulders how the hell does it go and then he goes I've only heard this a silly times is that a health club

or an aesthetics club and he goes you know what the sad part is is that we bought into it I don't know it's funny to me one of the things I hate the most as an audience member even in a yoga class is don't fucking speak for me okay

I realize that nothing down there is from my fucking spinal cord but when you're a young guy if you got fucking if you got some biceps in a chest you're gonna get laid you asshole that's why we're down there we're not it's not a health club it's a getting pussy club

and you're down here stretching out all these bitches before you fuck them see that even in yoga I get angry it's like when I was watching fucking Oprah last night Oprah's sitting around talking about anger you know we was talking about that Stella got a groove back chick how Stella got a groove back

right and I know right now why were you watching Oprah because we have one television alright and when I watch hockey Nia's not in there and when she's watching her shit rather than extending the same courtesy

I sit there and trash the shows that she's watching that's how I do it Bill why do you always only have one TV because I live within my means which is why I don't go down to Black Friday and get trampled by some fucking big gulp tub of shit with a can of mace alright

those people who got mace that lady did them a favor do you think any of those cunts are gonna come back next Friday or next Black Friday you think they're gonna come down there for that shit they're not they got to beat down they deserved just like that fucking douche

yeah let's invite him to fucking Thanksgiving he's got nowhere to go good let him stay home for Thanksgiving maybe he'll do some work on himself and wonder why he's alone oh evidently people think I'm a douche

but what happens is he keeps getting invited every fucking year because people feel bad for him and now he gets his false sense of self like wow I'm amazing not only do I always have a place to go for Thanksgiving it's always a whole new group of people

it's an endless list of people that want to eat with me he doesn't realize that he's getting passed around because he's a douche alright she got lightheaded screaming like that so anyways the mmpodcast bill at themmpodcast.com that's the podcast for this week everybody

a little touch and go this week a little in and out if I were to equate this podcast I would say it would be like you know when the F-16 tries to refuel in flight comes up oh missed it came up missed it I would connect it we lost it that's how I felt this one was anyways if you go to

billbird.com we have a new merch page we have a Monday morning podcast t-shirts if you go to themmpodcast.com if you want to make a donation you can and if you don't want to I don't give a shit there's no pressure

there's no pressure there's no guilt you tight fuck um that's it that's the podcast for this week I'll talk to you guys next week I will be in Pittsburgh going to the Steel Escape and of course I had to unplug it one more time

to end the podcast that's it that's it for this week go fuck yourselves don't take any shit and stop going to these stupid fucking events alright fuck Black Friday fuck the iPhone until it's in the store fuck St. Patrick's Day fuck Valentine's Day fuck all of that shit

alright fuck those assholes who shoot the t-shirts at yet the game go fuck yourself you can go down you can go down a footlock or buy like 20 of them alright that's it see ya if I get my love now do every more like you

it's alright not to me and I'll talk my best to make everything succeed tell me what is my life if I do now

tell me who am I without you I'm outside tell me what is my life if I do now tell me who

am I without you I'm outside tell me what is my life if I do now tell me who am I

without you I'm outside tell me what is my life if I do now tell me who am I without you

I'm outside I can't say my love is love for you anytime for me it's alright not to me and I'll talk my best

to make everything succeed tell me what is my life if I do now tell me who am I without you

I'm outside tell me what is my life if I do now tell me who am I without you I'm outside

what is my life if I do now tell me who am I without you I'm outside tell me what

is my life if I do now tell me who am I I'm outside