Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-3-22

Episode Date: November 4, 2022

Bill rambles with Bill Maher about The Tonight Show, the Playboy Mansion, and art. See Bill Maher Live https://billmaher.com/schedule/ Thursday Afternoon Podcast:  (00:00 - 01:08:01) Throwback Podcast:  (01:08:10 - 02:11:17) 11-3-14: Bill rambles about test pilots, The Pink Conspiracy, and Halloween. Anything Better NFL Preview: (02:11:24 - end) Throwback Interlude: Ryan Porter - Little Sunflower ZipRecruiter: Try it now for free at this exclusive at www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURR SimpliSafe: Get 50% off any new system at www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR  

All right. Hey, what's going on everybody? It's bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast Just checking in on you seeing how your week's going and once again once again. I have an amazing guest This is what Thursdays are becoming amazing guests. We've missed a bill Burr. We have the one and only from real time Bill Maher is with us here who is He's plugging he's got a date the Hulu theater in Madison Square Garden. Yes on the 12th of this month of That's amazing. Is that where Eddie did a raw? Oh, you don't know. I think he did really? Yeah I don't think that's also. I don't think the Hulu theater. Well, they renamed it. Oh, okay Well, it's Madison Square Garden. If you can't find that you're not enough

Right, you know what else happened there? That was where that whole we east coast west coast rap thing started. Is that right? That's what Snoop was going. You guys don't have any love for the west coast And and and and sugar was saying you know all up in the videos. Come on You know this stuff. I love the energy that you start this show with I mean like don't bring me down I'm what I do is I stay at this level of energy to stay ahead of the fog of my depression What are you depressed about your career is going fantastic? What am I that's that's what fills you up? That's that's the BS that's like and then I do this and then then I do two episodes of ER and then I'll love myself What seriously you're not happy?

No, I am happy. Okay. I am happy before you judge me, but I do know the fuck I do know that like if if If I slow down too much and I really take it all in. Yeah, I don't like the movie Well, I do what I do understand that about okay I mean I only live for the future also like I like the past offer some people are like They really get a lot of joy out of memories. It's like I nothing. I mean because it's gone It's only about tomorrow. Do you throw stuff out? Do you hold on to things? I? I am very selective. I'm very neat So I do hold on to things, but it fits into like I'm very big on files

I have many files like I'm not a car guy, but I have files up the ass. I have them in the garage I have in my office the other file cabinet like very very good files like Fireking files they are fireproof, and they are strong some of them have had for 30 years They last and what's what's in there everything like like every year. I keep a file of just like stuff from that year That just reminds me of what happened in the year notes and things that happen like you know So you are a little sentimental well a lot in a very office type of way It's not really for sentimentality It's I call it being a good caveman because when I want to look back and know what happened in

1991 or something I can look at that file and know who I was I want to be a good anthropologist for my own life Oh, all right now when you go back Well, have you ever how often do you go one of those file cabinets? That's what I want to know like there's just something like every Friday night. It's not let's see Bill Maher in 1988 it's not often, but I did have the occasion I won't even tell you why to look back at like the beginnings like stuff that from like age 12 to 14 I was looking at with with someone we were laughing our asses off Oh, all right about it because you know, I kept a little journal

I started when I was like 14 or something and it's just of course hysterical I mean what goes through your mind and what you're thinking and I mean like in that file there were things like I Had sent away to W. A. B. C. Radio in New York for the hot 100 songs of the year three years in a row And they you know if you sent away with a self-addressed stamped envelope, they would send you the list of them Yes, what were the top 100 songs? I guess that this was by sales back then now it's streaming and who knows right? I mean Taylor made up Taylor Swift has the top 10 songs now on the charts Well, that could never happen back when they actually

Tabulated who did the best by who went to a record store and bought it the Beatles once had the top I think four or five, but that's only because they had the whole backlog from 63 Before they had broken here in America. So like when they had I want to hold your hand was their first hit in America But they had a she loves you had been a hit in England the year before and a couple of their other singles So they had like five songs in the top ten That will never happen again for real Right. She is a really good. I respect how sure a good business person She is that she realized that she was getting screwed over by her label and then tried to create something else

I forget if that worked. Yeah, what they give you like for every 90 million views like she gets she gets like half a cent I mean, I love how like like the internet set us artists free for like half a second Before the business people came doing like the end around like right now They're signing new comics and they're and they're like owning their podcasts and getting ever and I'm trying to tell every young comic I need like you don't fucking need these guys They can't get you advertising if you don't have listeners You're gonna get all of this stuff and then what's gonna happen is is if you leave that agency It's like they're gonna get your money for the rest of time

It was like back in the day if you booked a sitcom with one in you and your agent was at whatever William Morris And then you left took for Gersh the whole time you did that sitcom you old William Morris the money They're gonna do that with like podcast. Where the fuck do you see young comics? What do you mean? I go out to the clubs bill. You do. Yeah, you have to You keep she young as far as like you still like I'm still 54 But like you can't go out dude. I used to watch a lot of guys from your generation Who am I generation? I'm 12 years older than you. You're a boomer man. You're fucking talking about the Beatles Get all you get your feathers. Okay, so you're 12 left about what's her face? Okay?

By the way, it's so much better than by the way by the way to anyone under 30. We're the same Okay, so don't be like your generation to you. No, no, but I'm saying as a kid I was coming up. You'll stand up generation, right? Okay during the heyday of the sitcom. Yeah, can we can we meet on that ground? Can you cross your arms for half a second? Let me feel like you're judging me. All right, so We're coming in like I saw a number of people who were like series regulars or had their own sitcom, right? And you know, the whole thing was once you got like into that third season and I got rolling and you're working towards Syndication back when that was a thing and you'd have this avalanche of money I saw a handful of those guys

Just stopped doing stand-up and then come back. Oh after like six seven years That's like leaving music for six seven years how much it changes and I watched them like really struggle I mean they eventually figured it out, but that's why I kind of learned that lesson It's just like I need to this is like going to the gym. I have to do that I mean, but I go to the gym, but I just don't do it in the clubs. I mean, I'm I'm always on the road I'm almost every not every weekend, but like every other weekend. I mean, but I'm in front of your fans though Right different. That's a layup. They're there to see you exactly Why would I torture myself and go in front of people who don't understand you're gonna lose your edge, man

I do not lose my edge. Trust me my edge I just did a special it was on early this year called adulting. It's very I mean, trust me. I'm surprised I wasn't canceled from it. Yeah, but who's gonna cancel you? Oh, I can say young people do you say you are the by the way, you and I anybody could get canceled in the next 30 Oh, wait, you were the first guys when you had a political Yes, that's right. I forgot about the excuse me. I was literally canceled. Okay They literally took your show Yes, when cancelling meant actually be yes, but our younger viewers he had a show called politically incorrect

Which was fantastic the it was just you hosted and then you had just four completely different people, right? You he would have like, you know on what's a dot on with like slash and then they would just start talking I love the choice of on what I was trying to think of somebody perfect I was trying to think of somebody political. I actually saw him. I saw him do a gig out in front of the White House We went to we went to Washington DC in the early 80s and on what's a dot was there. No, yeah, and he gave a speech I saw him live man. That's like seeing the stones, right? No, no, it's like seeing Jim Morrison. Yeah here anymore Boy, how about the way he bought the farm, huh? I Mean that was bizarre for you guys who don't know he was watching a military parade of his own country

And as he's watching one of the trucks pull off everybody jumped off and just started shooting at him with machine guns Right and his security try to bury him in chairs. Well, it was his own security people who were killing him Yeah, same same way that leader thing is that's a tough gig a tough gig same way and there are Gandhi got it You know sometimes the people around you who you was that my hot McGonagy's brother. No, no, no and Gandhi is a deep cut You know a deep cut No, Indira Gandhi was the leader of India not related to the other the other Gandhi So that name's like Sullivan over there. It's very

Actually, the name Patel is Even more common. I think like the number of people in Indian name Patel There's some stat I read like if it was a country who would be like, you know the 18th largest country in the world over there India. Yeah, no, no, no I did a gig over there man. It was a come on a gig. Yeah, you did a gig in India. It was amazing What I'll tell you the people that they're fucking hilarious They're ball breakers when I called up this podcast and they were just talking to me going like hey You're gonna talk about this and I was like, you know, I don't know they go you talk about that

They just kept leading me on these senior top of religion isn't that I was like, you know, I don't I go wait Are you guys talking about this stuff? And then they started laughing. They were trying to get me in trouble What city was this? Mumbai which used to be Bombay, of course. No kidding. All right. I'm not trying to you know, okay. Get it. You have a globe. No, no, no Mumbai Mumbai. Yeah, it's the it's the city that was attacked so viciously in 2008. Yeah, remember the attack there are distance. No Protestants exact the Amish I believe was yeah, I love water. Yeah. No, no who was it was? It was Pakistan Is it Pakistan it was a Muslim attack on Hindu India, I mean and boy did they I mean they went through that city that that hotel that they attacked

I think they made a movie about it the hotel Mumbai or something. Yeah, well, I when I was there that yeah They had like people with like machine guns and stuff up front, but it was like They were they have beautiful people man There's something about my kid they all jammed in together and you think that they'd be like New York, right? They weren't they you know, I'm not gonna lie to you There was people walking around t-shirts that said real men don't rape and I was like, yeah, what's what's up with that? You're like, that's really not here. That's little bit north of here It's like all right every country's got you know, yeah, they're old-school Times Square. You don't know that that city is one of the

the greatest income inequality examples in the world because there is Billionaires there's a house there that is like I don't know something like 50 stories high or something and the guy owns the whole thing and then there are the slum dogs I mean, there are people who literally live in that sewage. I mean what their immune systems must be like over there just incredible Yeah, no, it was it was a I don't think they need the vaccine. No, I really are the back. I think they they're good. Yeah, no, but it was It was quite a I would go back in a second that's how much I enjoy it I would go back in a second. It's just I got two kids now

I it's just such a long flight to try to get back there, but I would go back there in a second and The perspective it gives you, you know, how cool they are how funny they are and then all the stuff that they're dealing with and Like just all just going over to Asia was amazing to travel over there because they literally have everything that we have But just different people doing it right down. They have their own rock stars their own airplanes and stuff And you stay here and you think oh everybody is into what we're doing and they're over there And they don't give a fuck and their own movie. Yeah, it's amazing. I mean, it's a whole entire movie industry Yeah, that is different than ours But you like watch it and you're kind of like oh, this is their Bruce Willis. I get this guy

I know it's it's because there are just so many stories to tell But how did they know you over there from podcast podcast really from podcast. Yeah podcast people like They like I have people Netflix I have people Netflix your specials huge on Netflix Oh, thank you And then there's other there's people in countries They're not supposed to be listened to it will reach out and tell me that they listen I never say what countries because I don't know what goes on the black van pulls up I don't want to be a part of it. Right, but like it's it's a really like

Yeah, no, it's great like I Was in Italy one time and some kid from like Serbia or something came up to me Because you built bar and he said it with the accent. I see I guess he goes hey money morning podcast. Go fuck yourself You gotta be kidding me. I go you listen to that shit. Yeah, I got a picture with them and everything was awesome I played Europe in 2015. I did the English-speaking places. You can play Oslo Stockholm did you do see London? You got to do the mid-west I did that one. It was amazing the Midwest the Midwest of Europe is what I call like we did What the hell were we?

No, we did a lot. No, but we did we did when Warsaw we did like four cities in Germany Budapest Prague Vienna and dude you can just go over there that English is so good, right? You can just yes do your act just do it. Yeah when I was in Budapest I was like in the middle of my second. I should have taped us. This is like a special, right? They were that great and they loved anything you did if you made fun of their country or you made fun of your country, right? Gold yeah gold and I always feel is it's kind of good to do that if you make fun of yourself

They realize you're not coming there like a pompous ass, but you'll make fun of them You're not going there to like kiss their ass or whatever, but uh like I had fun in Germany talking to them Saying like you know all the amazing stuff you guys did with like, you know audio tape and space You know you pick one you pick one wrong guy. Yeah one monkey. You just can't and they were just sitting there like they was like Well, they must get it all the time and and the trip. Yeah, I mean, but there's also other shit going on there I mean, yes, and it's unfair But I mean it's a people who are Germans today because it was a long time ago They had nothing to do with it. Yeah, and I always think about the Nazis like every

Group of people at some point has tried to take over the world I mean, yeah, everybody gets their turn in the barrel like doing that Those are my favorite Norm MacDonald's jokes was saying how Germany was the size of Maine and they tried to take over the world And they almost did it Germany was never the size of Maine. Germany's a large country It isn't it is not compared to us. It isn't not quite compared to us, but in Europe It is I found your your button your button is geography You get all prickly. No, I'm just I'm just Mumbai Mumbai. Sorry and also Germany is a large country

And and German peoples live outside of Germany That's one reason why Hitler was it was taking over little parts of Europe before I'm not counting the expats I'm saying what it says. They're not expats. They're just pockets of German people Czechoslovakia has German people That's why he went in not refugees He went into the Sudetenland because he was quote on quote protecting ethnic Germans there He went into Alsace Lorraine on the other side of Germany. Germany is a fairly big country and you just downsized that You said Germany is a big country now. You're saying fairly big just saying why do we have to have this adversarial relationship with fun? Okay, all right, but you know, I read your book a long time ago. Which one the the stent true story

Oh, good and all of that. I love that book. Oh, thank you. Yeah No, when you when you started stand up you literally like there was so few rooms, right? Before the whole did you start before that or was that just in the book that you were talking about that again? We're 12 years difference in age. I mean you make it sound like difference I don't think it's as big a difference It was the compact disc you were like fucking LPs Okay, buy a bag of grass this fucking big that what you well now it is this is what you need Now it isn't this is what you need to make yourself feel young you do no, no, no

Well, I know is now it's not big deal But like when I live you were 24 you're like a mustache and shit, okay But when I was 20 when I was 36 you were 24 the older you get the more alike you become now that you're No, but I'm talking about back then I started in 1992 rather than 1980. That's a big fucking difference as far as where stand-up is Okay, great. Do you have that if that makes you feel good then you do I was trying to find out about stand-up Yes, well we had we had crude tools Back then and there was no electricity. So we had to like shout the jokes No, but there was there wasn't like there was a funny bone in every every state

There was there was a comedy explosion right around the early 80s. That's true every town like had a bunch of comedy clubs It was exciting It was also not so good because there was too many clubs and too many comics which quickly burned out when did you notice that? Like when you were doing it did you now did any any of you guys? That were doing stand-up in the 80s. Did any of you guys see the bubble like bursting like there's no way you can sustain this Yes, of course, how could how could you know Columbus, Ohio have six comedy clubs? I mean it was ridiculous and I remember

There was improv's at some point like in so many cities and my great friend Patron bud Friedman, I remember at some point he moved to Beverly Hills because there was Improves in every city and the money was pouring in and there he was and Beverly Hills and had this big beautiful house and all this artwork And then somewhere Wait, wait, wait, listen to this. I love I love the new money artwork. Okay, that's one of my favorite things ever Let me finish. Sorry. I was laughing a joke. So I didn't tell the joke yet, which is that he Around 1990 I guess somewhere around there called me up and said we're having to move This is apropos to the point you're making about the boom and bust and would you like to walk through my house?

And I'll give you all the artwork that I can't afford to keep Just what I paid for and I got some amazing pieces like a vulture I swooped in when he when a friend needed to sell his artwork and to this day It hangs in my house some amazing pieces that I got for very little money And that's how I got back at the club owners bill That's a man. Yeah. Wow. He got overextended like that when I was starting. He was going through his divorce. Oh Yeah, that's when I started his divorce So his from silver. Yeah, she got the New York comp the New York

Yes, and you know that famous story, right? That's not when you started that way I remember he was with Alex and then he was already divorced absolutely because or soon, but I remember going to When David Letterman had a morning show Like yeah for one year. I think it was 1982 I don't remember I remember seeing about something like that and I remember going to a taping of that and Bud was there with his new bride So he must and of course Bill in 1982 you were still in diapers. Oh, it's 14. I Know I'm kidding because you're if there was

Yeah, so she was longtime divorce but the story I had heard that was part of the divorce settlement was she got the New York improv and That he couldn't open another right improv within a hundred miles or something And he opened one in Atlantic City and she got in her car and hit the odometer and drove down Then it was like 98 or 99 miles and they made him shut it down. Oh, wow I never I'd have I'd never heard that allegedly before I yeah comes back and sues me. No, I don't know about that But I do know that there were a lot of improv's and I played them all It's simply safe everybody, you know if you thought about securing your home with home security

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I like when I go to zip recruiter comm The smartest way to hire Who uh now who did you start with In the clubs like Well, there were there was three clubs There was the improv like you mentioned on the west side That was the granddaddy of them all that started in the early 60s as an off-broadway place, right? It was like place Originally, I think it came a pizza place and I think that shut did yeah

Because I remember going in there because the shape of it is still sort of the same because that richard prior um Live and smoking he taped there and it's just of course a total close-up. So you don't even get to see in the club at all Um, he taped there. Yeah, he's got that one where he's the one on 44th and 9th. Yeah. Wow okay, well that was where the first Really the first urban comedy club the place that really changed everything from the cat skills, which is Um, you know way back when when that's how comics used to start that was the you know borsch belt

And then I guess the improv opened something like in 1962 I don't know but that was the first one and then Catcher rising star was on the east side. That was my club when I got there like in the early 80s That was the hottest club. That's where pat benatar started. They had music acts there Um as well as comedy richard belzer and then you guys all hung out at the green kitchen Yes, that was right across the street these stories were all legends. What when I when I came around richard belzer And then there was the comic strip that was a couple of blocks away on second avenue Um, that was seinfeld and eddie murphy. That was like the long island comics barry miller

Richie tinkin. Yes, richie tinkin and bob wax who had previously owned these blood buckets in the bronx but then they got you know But then it was like, okay We could you know chime in on this comedy trend And and open a comedy club and they did and it you know comedy was just off the hook at that era So what that fascinates me because I never talked to somebody that came up in that era that actually said that they saw In the 80s that they saw that coming. I'm not saying you started in the fucking industrial age I started in mumbai in the 1500s. Yeah, no you started you start like 80s 80s. Absolutely

Fascinates me that you're in the you're so you're in the middle of something and you're going like I know this is going bust so well But you have to be think will you think about like the cream's gonna rise to the top or stay at the top or whatever Well, I mean back then we the template we all worked by was we got we're doing stand-up. Yes But we want to get a sitcom. I mean even even seinfeld got on benson Benson yeah And we all thought it was great. I remember my friend jimmy brogan, you know jimmy brogan tonight show, right? He got uh, yes

He got a show where he was an angel. What was the name of that show? I forget But I remember seeing it his it was in tv guide and I got tv guide when tv guide was like that big And was huge if you were in t if you want the cover of tv guide It was like famous person in the world Well, he wasn't on the cover but it was like fall season new shows and like wow. I know this guy and he's in tv guide He's got a show Didn't last so that's what we all wanted to do was Here was the thing you were you were working the clubs

And you would you would get um enough shots tonight show shots, which were six minute shots Of clean material because this was the clean era And then when you had like five or six of them Then you would do the tonight show because you didn't want to do one and then have not have material to do like the next two Or three or four So that's what I did So what would you do you'd bank a five minute thing like i'm not doing on tv I got that down now i'm doing these you just built it

What you just tried to have Before you look before you got in front of them you made sure you had like 30 minutes of clean stuff That was what you were supposed to do Right You know did we did it work out that way not always it kind of worked out that way for me I did my first tonight show in 82 and I did for the next like 10 years with johnny While he was still there I did like 31 shots That scene out of every story I've heard doing the tonight show the first time as a comedian seems like the most terrifying

Experience. Oh, yeah It is I mean it was literally like you're either going to make it or you're not it's absolutely true because if you didn't and I There was a couple of comics who did not do well who kind of likes bit the bit And they never worked again because if you did bad on like mirv or something Well, okay, that wasn't you could shake off a murder. Yeah, right. Yeah, you could Right, you were game on at four in the afternoon, right? You You know it taped it four in the afternoon it came on at night But oh it did but you were but you were like building up to the tonight show

All right, but if you but if you if you blew it on the tonight show it was not good But of course it was cake because johnny would set you up the crowd was cake if it was cake there wouldn't be people Fucking it up. So what mind set you can fuck anything up because you're so nervous But it was really yours to fuck up because the crowd was easy and johnny would do his like Comedy is the hardest commodity to find and of course at that point it wasn't the hardest commodity You couldn't swing a dead cat without eating a fucking comic in 1982 But he would still say that thing and we've got a young guy. He's a great observational stuff He's gonna do and jeff steinfeld. I remember he brought out jerry with that

He got that's how he pronounced his name jeff steinfeld Jeff steinfeld you went out and I and you go out and you do your little you know the first one Dog and pony show and you know you've been practicing this six minutes for like three years If you can't fuck it was like your mantra So they give you bullet points or you know, oh no, of course not I used to write it on my hand in red ink So because red like you know, we couldn't see it as much But just in case I went up I could I could I did that for every shot I had it was always written in red on my hand Um, you know one time I had a nightmare read before I was doing one of my lettermans

And uh, I was I don't know what the fuck it was. I was just so nervous and I went that I couldn't remember my act And I turned around and my dad was sitting behind his desk Oh Wow, it's like psych 101. This is the father figure of comedy I won his approval and I actually woke up in the middle of the night Whatever hotel they had and I just started laughing going like Jesus christ, dude. Just do your shit and it's funny because like the The nightmare that so many people have that I've had

Is that you're about to take a test and you haven't studied. You ever had that? No, I had Well, that that was actually that was my actual life them in career, but I definitely had those uh Those thoughts of like, you know, what if I forget my but you just don't but that's it I'm saying what I used to have that nightmare that I was about to take a test And I completely forgot about it And now I didn't know anything that was going to be on the test and then when I became a comedian that nightmare became I was about to go on the tonight show and I hadn't prepared anything And so he was about to introduce me and there's a funny funny young guy. He's been with us before here

He has built and there I'm oh my god, and I walk out just seeing those curtains like oh my god Yes, and the band, you know that You know, it's like that yeah that trumpet sound and Yeah, so you finish your set. He gives you one of these Probably I don't remember. I wasn't like how Fucking high were you afterwards? It was over. You delivered everybody slapped you back. You know, it isn't bullshit I mean, what a relief. Yeah, it is a relief. That's more than anything. It's a relief. I didn't blow it I'm officially in show business. I'm at the very bottom, but at least I'm in show business

You know, I've been flailing around in the water and now somebody pulled me on the raft And how many of those did you have to do before you started selling tickets? All I never You don't sell tickets From doing 30 tonight shows not in the 80s. I don't think yeah, I mean I was working as a comic, but I still was Working as well. First of all, I got again. I was trying to get on a sitcom and I did I got on a sitcom in 19

It's called sarah With jenna davis in the title role. It was an amazing cast jenna davis alphrey woodard right from her Academy award nomination still doing great still love alphrey brunson pincho who went on to be Bulkie in that sitcom. I watched a lot of sports. I missed a lot of that. Yeah, I did see thelma louisa telma louisa I'm just doing that. I'm just doing that to fuck with you, but uh But uh, so I got on this feel like math class. Well, I'm not gonna pass this class That's what you said when you were on my show

You said did I it's in our highlight reel you were like you said like I feel like I've never felt like what the fuck Am I doing here like when I did your show? They were you had but it was so you had that guy ran from there. Yeah, that guy fucking ran But it was so silly. I mean you sitting across. I I feel like I want to be your shrink because I think you're you're under your file cabinets I don't think you're qualified underestimating your intelligence. First of all, you were the mid-show guest when we used to have that So you weren't even being asked to do anything political or engage with the panel on a poll I could see I could see why that yes, they did of course we did of course we did

You you blocked it out. You we think we were trying to fool you How that never happened. It did But anyway, the point is you old school parent point is how I never did that The point is you could engage on any intellectual level you want You just like to cultivate this image as you're the regular blue collar guy who doesn't know that much and I know you know a lot What you know what I know people You know other things besides people you're 54. I know you hate to hear that Don't project your age is bullshit on me

Nothing in your world though. Like I honestly I think anybody who watches fox in cnn is a fucking moron I heard you say that the other day fucking morons. I I can't watch cable news much either I I don't understand. I liked it better when they brought the newspaper I like those lies better and you just went in by yourself and you just sort of opened it up from you Hey march did you hear they're gonna knock down the fucking store whatever the hell they used to do You didn't get to interact with other fucking morons. It becomes like this atom bomb. That's stupidity. I'm trying my show on HBO is

Has always been HBO 2 and HBO max it records Friday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern 10 p.m. Pacific and it is additional replay replays throughout the week on hbo HBO 2 yes, it records then grandpa Anyway, yes, it records On youtube and and people actually now can watch it at any time they want because that's where the technologies move Can you believe that? Anyway, it's one of the last shows maybe the only one that is a legitimate debate show that presents both sides It's definitely not in the silos that what you're objecting to I think and what I hate also

Is that if you watch fox news or msnbc? You only hear what these people already believe and you're never going to hear any other Opposition point of view and it's a terrible way to run the country for people to live Yes to get their news this might be challenged exactly. It's never our fault. It's always because of what yeah what they do and I don't know. I I agree No, trust me. Yeah, and then I feel like that's why they go after soft targets You know like and it's anything's a soft target to them is the what doesn't put money in their pocket Which is why people can do horrific fucking things at a corporate level and they don't expose it at all

But what do you mean soft targets like comedians? Oh, I so go after comedian It's got to be like the easiest thing to be outraged about because it's going to cost you nothing And you're going to get a big controversy going and stuff like that to go after a podcaster Or an influencer or somebody who acts on a fucking tv show Like none of those things you mean going after them to cancel them because they said something acting like what they're doing Is what's wrong with the country rather than we can't drink our own water now because corporations is poison Or you came up with synthetic heroin and killed a couple hundred thousand americans. Ah, and I'll just fucking go as a way

Who came up with synthetic heroin pharmaceutical companies? Where can I get it? Huh? Oh you're talking about opioids. Yeah All right. Yes, absolutely. That is like the houston astros thing Where they cheated at such a fucking level that they don't even talk about it They fixed a world series But if you have like a football that's allegedly a conterre lighter They'll talk about that for fucking eight years because it doesn't affect anybody's money It's silly it gets fans yelling and that type of stuff I've watched I watched the whole astros yankee series and I've watched this whole

I've missed a little bit of game too the philly series and they haven't brought it up once They fixed the world series. They haven't brought it up fucking once. Well, it was litigated I mean the astros certainly were booed unmercifully for a whole year after I think it was 2017 Oh poor babies one year. Okay. I'm not gonna be going. I can give a fuck about the astros I'm not defending the astros. I'm just saying it shouldn't live on forever and they didn't fix the world series They were sign stealing. Okay. Yes, it's everybody in sports by the way cheats as much as they can get away with You think that a certain point you think they're the first ones to cheat But there's not no no my my problem my problem is not that they cheated

My problem is they don't get shit for it that everybody's just shut the fuck up. They did get shit up for it And then it and then it just stopped them. Well, should it go on forever? You know what it should go on forever. It's like should fucking Tiki-Tak horse shit go on forever because that does it's what there's more. Okay, but the astros are a very good team And uh, they're winning games to one by the way. Yeah, so they're not good They're in the world series and they they might win the world series I think they're good and they're good with They're proven that they're good even without the cheating now should they have cheated? No, of course they shouldn't and by the way

They weren't the only ones who were doing that. Let me ask you the patriots didn't prove that they were good I do share opinion about how they made a big thing about deflate gate when it was nothing Absolutely, I share that I got left out of court The judge was actually mad for them wasting their time, but you realize that sports in general does not matter It's not important and it's a giant waste of time. I watch it also. That's why I watch it It's not why I originally watched it, but now I watched it. What's what I try to watch the news I tried to be the guy that knew stuff And it just didn't work

Well, because there's no solutions It's just they just present one horrible thing after another that's not true And then you just watch people go after the tail never the head That's ridiculous. There are many many people in this world who are better off because Boring people locked in rooms eating cold pizza at two in the morning with stale coffee worked on yes drivers Excuse me worked on problems so that lives could be made better and they were That was one of the most vaguest longest sentences I've ever heard in my life Well, if you wouldn't interrupt me so much I could finish

What are you talking about? I I listened to the whole sentence the whole sentence. That's right. Everything is done in one sentence Okay, just let me put some specifics there Okay, there's guys in rooms with cold pizza working long and hard. Exactly. Okay, uh, for example Senior poverty used to be 27 and then people worked very hard to pass social security and now it's under 10 100% Child poverty we just saw an incredible drop in that that's under 10% because they have Government agencies who work on that are you suspicious that those stats aren't right? Well, I do remember that once you weren't employed after a certain amount of time

They just considered you not looking for a job and they took you off of it. Okay, but this is we're talking about senior citizens We're talking about senior citizens what the bankers did in 2008 Ended up with me in 2000 whatever 12 when my roof collapsed from water I have water. I can't have a serious political discussion with the guy at the end of the bar Who just anecdotally? Throws something like that out that has nothing to do with the reality finish what now who's not letting somebody finish Okay, finish. All right. So I have insurance. It's my insurance I pay for

All right So when the check comes out for my water damage on my roof It's made up to me and my my mortgage company And I have to sign it over to them because of what they did in 2008 because they fuck people so bad in houses Yes, and so many people were so upside down in houses that they were like What's the point of fixing the roof and then they would keep it and then they would default on the loan And then they get the houses back So they did what they did and then they made me pay for it and they and I had to do it really slowly

And they came over like I was a child Checking out, you know, did you do the work and blah blah now you now will release some more money And I could have paid for the whole fucking thing and just been done with it And I had to sit there and be treated by a child by a bunch of fucking crooks. Okay, I'm not I can't even really in get first of all, I don't contest any of that 2008 and then the the meltdown was just horrendous on so many levels and I'm Very sorry about your roof, but I just can't engage on this level of we're talking about your roof That's that's it's so adding

But it's adding because that's anecdotal Because you're trying to extrapolate from your roof to making a statement about america in general and how we solve problems And of course your roof is your roof and that and that matters. It is silly Well a few minutes ago you said I was a lot smarter than I let on and now you're talking down to me You know, you're fucking roof and and I'm a guy at the end of the bar. Who am I bill? I am who you need me to be depending on what your fucking argument is. I would say you have potential To be I would still go see bill marth the hulu theater Are you throwing me out? I'm not throwing you out. I thought I thought you were wrapping up. I was trying to break the tension

Okay, I thought I thought you were like going I've had enough of this guy No, I think all I do what I'm saying is all I do is you you have the potential the potential Oh, gee, thanks coach. You try a little harder. What book should I read? I'll become a little fucking protege. Uh start with one and then see if you like it Doesn't think I read. I do think you read. What do you think I read? Uh, I think you read, uh, Ted Williams biography guilty But I occasionally I do read other shit. Do they have his head somewhere

It's up there right down the nose is missing and it's sitting on a can of tuna What does that mean? Well, there's these flim flam guys that came up with this idea that after you die They could make you undead if they just froze you right and then right some people Some people couldn't afford to have the whole body frozen I see so then they were just well, we can just do the head and then oh my god. We'll grow a body like but why him because talent skips a generation and his his son couldn't hit a ball

And he needed to make money. I don't know why it happens. So he's evidently upside down. Well And his head tipped over So he kind of is a splendid splinter now He's a fucking mess. It's me, but he's not there anymore. That's just his. Can you imagine what it's just as you believe in the afterlife Can you imagine it's just his vessel? I do not but can you imagine what his stats would be if he hadn't had those two Stints in the arms services Yeah, he went both in world war two and then again in korea

If he had played those years, what? No, I'm just like the guy that goes back to another war. I mean, I can't like Well, if that means you're like the biggest hero ever or you're just a fucking psycho Like you just can't get enough of it No, I think I think once I did a war I'd be like, all right. I'm good. Well, of course That's what you pilot season. No one wants to go back to a war but people had a sense of responsibility. I know they did They were the greatest generation Then they created you people the boomers

All right, we're so different from you with our decade difference. You are you're still defending the beetles Defending the beetles like the beetles need defense this podcast bill Defends the why do the beetles need defending? They don't they actually can I tell you something they do They do because the generation behind me Uh, there's a number of guys like when I was in my 40s if they were like in their 30s They would say the beetles are overrated And my head almost exploded I was like you could not find any musician of any merit anywhere in the world to back that fucking statement

And then they would be like, you know, yellow submarine. Oh, yeah, the Maxwell silver hammer They you know, they they hit right for soft targets And also I've said this many times The beetles could put out an album called the worst of the beetles and it would still go to number one But how about the fact they were you could put but they're And they became and they started their own label too. They should have been over in two summers Well, and they figured out a way around it. Well because they're Because they kept putting out better and better amazing music

But mixed in with that is some shit and by the way their lyrics They definitely could write some good lyrics. They also wrote a lot of gobbledygook and they wrote a lot of stuff That's just embarrassing doggerel Like the sun is up the sky is blue. It's beautiful and so is you That's not a great lyric. It's just not if you're commercial fishing for a dollar. That's fucking right I like that that makes me feel good commercial fishing. That's good. See look at you Yeah, I watched deadliest catch is what's that? It's a crab show You know disease people that sit in rooms alone on boats all by themselves

So they risk their lives to go get a king crab for you. How old are your kids? Uh five and two five and two. Yeah. Oh you got young kids. Yeah, I'm an old dad I had a lot of shit to work out bill I had a lot of books to not read before my kids got here. Do you like them? I love them. Oh good. Yeah No, I love my kids. Of course. Yeah, I know but there's a silly question. That's that's a no That is actually a very fair question. Oh good It is no really. I'm glad I did something good. No. No, I wasn't Are you all like sensitive after this? I'm not gonna hug my we're gonna blow each other in the party

Getting rid of we're we're so past hugging um, no, there's uh There's people that just have kids because they think that that that's what you're supposed to do And I have to tell you something when you go down at the playground Yeah, and you see those kids and they need that love and they're not getting it It's the one of the most heartbreaking things ever And then you start seeing their kids behaving in a bad way towards your kids And you just you're seeing the beginnings of an asshole adult and this and you just you want to intervene

I feel like what I see from the outside and again, this is just from the outside because I hate kids but um I love you kids kids Either get way too much love. They're over too over protected by helicopter parents and bulldozer parents and parents Who are way too in their lives or what you're talking about here. They don't get enough There's no happy me and I would say that maybe you're doing what I did with my roof When it comes to kids. Well, again, I prefaced that by saying I'm saying this from the outside I don't have kids, but I love that you say you hate kids though. I do There's a lot of never like even when I was a kid. I didn't like kids

And I and it has the one thing it has not changed at all in my life. I think parents Make people without kids hate kids because they won't quit gassing their kids up to you. You know that he just went over there Right, and he just picked up his dirty shirt and put it in a half. He is so smart. It's just like they're so over protected I mean, I was you want to be like both of you are morons like hollow negatives doesn't make a positive You like two dummies can't make it. We just had halloween, right? And I was just thinking Parents would never let the kids go out alone And when I was a kid halloween, of course you at my parents come on how it's like you're treating with me

What get the fuck out of here? I mean that was my whole life I used to come home from school At I would fly up to my room after school get into my play clothes Fly out the door. My mother never once said to me. Where are you going? Where am I going? Kid stuff. What the fuck is it to you? What do you do between three and six nosy bitch? I'm doing what I'm gonna do I didn't say that to my mother But uh, but that's you one of the best halloween costumes I ever saw you talking about the

Crocodile hunter. Yes when the crocodile remember that. Oh my god. I was I was I loved the crocodile hunter But that fucking outfit was hilarious Right when I was the crocodile hunter. Well, right after he was killed by killed by the stingray Yeah, I had the cbs, um Prop department make that it was really what australia told me I could not go to australia They said do not I was I I'm not planning on going but uh, thank you for the note. I will not be going to australia Just that was like such a stand-up Convenient moment where it's like, what do you love? I'm gonna attack. I wore it to the playboy mansion. I remember for their halloween party

It was awesome. Yeah, isn't it sad that place is gone. Yes. Well guys It's it's it's it's gone with the it's a real gone with the wind, you know A civilization gone with the wind I went there. I went to one one party there. Really? Yeah, I did the uh The guy's choice award on guys. Yeah. Yeah on it was total meathead night I remember that the ward head was like antlers from like a deer. Oh, it was on it was on one of those Meathead channels began. Yes s Spike TV

I like to watch fucking chicks, you know Bending over a roast beef sandwich. It was like literally that level of shit. Right. So we would I was I was a presenter bill. Oh, I had moved up in the wall I was a presenter on on the guy's Choice awards on spike tv and then the after party was the you know the playboy mansion because guys like dead age I so we go back there And I thought we were gonna go in the house. We just standing in his fucking backyard Looking at the pool like gee, you know, I guess that's where burp man. I was used to banging 12 chicks

You just stand there and then there was no playmates It was all like hooters level chicks just walking around Oh, and he was roped off. You couldn't talk to him. It got sad. Yeah, and he had his uh, he had his captain's hat that was If you were born in the 20s at some point you were a captain's hat whether you even had a license to drive a boat You just started walking around with a captain's hat. That's funny Yeah, so that was my and I actually I stayed there for about 40 minutes I don't remember who I was with. I was like, this is fucking stupid. Yeah, I'm standing in somebody's yard

And he won't let me in the house. I'm obviously not wanted here. Right He clearly looks like he wants to go to bed and I just got my car I did try to walk down the driveway to see the zoo He had a zoo. Yeah, he had a zoo. It wasn't near the driveway. It was back in the yard. Yeah, he had his back in the yard Yeah, yeah, I mean, you know explains what I didn't see it was He didn't miss a lot. There's some monkeys that should not have been in cages lots of things that should not have been in cages This didn't become a show in the last like years of his life He was attempting to sell the house

But the rule was you had to buy the house But he he got to keep living there until he and I'm like that is the the bosom buddies reboot right there Like some young like influencer buys the house well, they did I mean he did live there until he died But that he did not own the house in the last years. That's absolutely true. That's how it went down And he didn't own the magazine he's in the magazine business or well because I mean they had you know The playboy had fallen on hard times. They were look playboy was kind of a victim of its own success because the sexual revolution Which they sort of helped along

Um overtook them. I mean when the playboy clubs First opened and the girls were in the bunny costumes That was about the most risque thing you could see a woman wearing in public Right and at a certain point women were wearing less on the street So the playboy club became very passe and that's why they closed and they closed that and he was really like on the forefront of Booking like guys like dick Gregory and all that. Absolutely. He was I mean look Things have come out recently that have not shed

Very flattering light on what went on in the playboy mention. I cert I mean I was there for parties. I never saw anything But I was never privy to the the inner sanctums of anything But you know, I'm sure some shit went down that shouldn't have gone down But he's actually you do and blow with like Dom Delawis. I never did blow with There's collage of people that We Everybody's in like a robe with but there was a lot of 70s detectives there one

I'll say one thing about phew hefner He was very loyal like once you got on that list You could not get off it robert robert blake was still walking around there And and hunter and long street and any every 70s detective was still roaming around there Fred drier. Fred drier. Absolutely All of them were there But in the 50s and 60s hefner was on the forefront of a lot of

civil rights issues that were that became I mean gay rights and and African-american rights. He did he was he was really quite a revolutionary at that time Now he just stayed too long at the fair and that's what happens I don't understand why in his older years like when he had that harem It's like we get it. You got a lot of pussy You you hefner You don't have to gild the lily and also he used to go out the coolest thing about him and the playboy mansion Was that he never left the house when it was chicago?

He left the party came to him and then I used to see him at the fucking garden of eden nightclub With his roped off area and seven chicks. I'm like, why are you going out to this shitty Fucking disco when you have the playboy mansion. That was so cool about you. What are you doing out? Does that scare you as like a performer because whenever I see that I'm like, oh my god Is that gonna be me? I mean, obviously I'm not gonna have a harem at chicks, but it's whatever that version of me is Where I'm sitting there. No, it doesn't scare me at all because a comedy central t-shirt in my 90s I did things No, because you're you're

Continually on the ascent by the way, you're a very good actor. You were really great in Oh, I don't know what the name of it was but you were fucking somebody's mom and you were oh that was uh, king That was the working title of that movie Uh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes Fantastic that was fun. You you can pull that off so you can have them again But I mean you're gonna have more of a career as an actor I mean, you know, you're hopefully never going to give up stand up because you're very great at that I appreciate it, but it's true. But um, I mean, why would you think that you are going to devolve into some caricature of yourself?

Because I mean you see a guy that was like that guy was like bigger than life Elvis Elvis died alone on a toilet But that's what that's our advantage is that we as comics never get to that level you never Get to that level. No, seriously. We don't we're not musicians That gets to a little people on a certain level and when it does It fucks up the person at the eye of the storm Because they just go nuts and not to make everything about the Beatles again But one great thing that I admire about the Beatles is that they were bigger than anybody ever

And they still came out pretty sane and normal and nice. Did you ever see them live? Of course not. I was Yes, because once again, I'm a hundred years old bill I mean they came I was eight when they arrived in America. I was not ready to go to a concert Yeah, but they played to like 70s. So by then you were like they did not they quit in 66 as everyone knows Oh touring Yes, okay, so I was 10. I wasn't gonna go to a concert in everyone knows as everyone does know I don't know that they they broke up in 70. They but they stopped touring in 66 But the one thing I do admire about them is that with all that fame

They never did anything that made the fan go Ugh I know what a dick, you know, I mean John went a little kooky But it wasn't like in a way that made you hate him as a person He just he did heroin for a while and he got went a little loony with you know, uh, put out a junk on that Right stuff like that, but it wasn't malicious and it wasn't about his ego wasn't erect It should have been because it looked bad Like I mean if you're gonna show your junk, you gotta have a show or man. I mean Jesus

Christ a little bit. All right, go ahead. You know, I always think of that said remember, you know, the famous David the statue David That the guy, you know No arms the David. No, no, that's mean. It's the Milo. All right one of those. All right. I'm gonna say That time I was in Italy, right? Me and my wife went to the uh, the Sistine Chapel Okay, so we're in that thing, you know, it's boring as shit, right? Well, there's this a quick one is the quick one where you get Sistine Chapel is boring If you take the long route where there's all the broken plates every fucking spoon every pope fucking, you know had his

Serial with I mean, it's just I don't give a fuck about old dishes I don't remember that part of it. Oh my well if you if you bang a right or a left You can avoid it and we fucked up and we went the long fucking everybody's fucking James brown robe that did mass or whatever We get all the way out there We get all the way out there and was standing there and it's ridiculously small fucking room and it's all Like shut the fuck up. So I'm standing there. I'm looking at it and you know, it was nice Right. So I sat in my wife because it was so fucking long. I said to I go, you know, if I lived here I would open a bar across the street

Called the 17 Chapel She was like, what? I got the 16 I got I got the 16 Chapel 17. That's when she looked at you because it's the Sistine Oh lord, I can't I I can't and I can't even It's both on that one. No I just don't know what about no, but like it what is that like a manly thing to know like you got to know It's not a manly thing to know. It's just a thing to know the Sistine Chapel is fairly famous. Yes Let's end on this. Can you give me all my all my meat here? I've loved every second of this by the way

I have too. Okay. All right. I'll be when you do club random my podcast And by the way mine I am so high I don't know if you smoke pot, but I smoke it a lot and that's the whole point of club random It's not it's not political. It's you don't have to know anything We actually got to break up your weed on a fucking on the white album. Yes, exactly. I do. That's exactly how I smoke weed Far out, but I really I mean I I've had so much fun with this podcast because It's a place where I specifically started it For people like you who like were not comfortable on real time

But who I wanted to know and who are very smart people They just are not most people's antenna is not tuned toward Like the political I mean one reason why you sell so many more tickets that I could on the road Is because I'm sort of tagged as a political comedian, which is really Only partly true anyone could come to my show November 12th at the hulu theater in york and that is a great nice promo and

Enjoy it. Even if you're not believe even if you know as little as bill burr. Wait, I didn't say that right But it's really true. But you have the reputation of being more of an everyman I mean, I would love to be able to not have to do your podcast wait that came out wrong too. What i'm saying is No, I'm here for that reason. I also really did want to get to know you better I really am an admirer. You are a great stand-up comedian. You truly are you deserve all the success you have and right back at you and uh And I also want you to do club random I want you to sit I will because you would you'll find it's very different than any other podcast. Okay

Well, here's the thing really you said that's something you should know with the sistine So For you know, there's a lot of like guys like me who uh and women who watch, you know This podcast will listen to it. Right. So just so we don't do something like that Do you do you have like just off the top of your head? What are the five things you feel the average person should know they're at a cough They're a cocktail party if they still have those And you don't say something done like the 16 chapel

Oh, I that that's not important. What's important for people to know are things like um The system of government we have is based on checks and balances. That's important because we're about to lose Really the most fundamental part of being an american Uh, there's an election. I don't want to get on my high horse about this stuff It's not really what this is about But there is an election in a couple of days and we are going to elect about 300 people Into congress who don't believe in democracy who don't believe that the person who gets the most votes wins

They don't care about that. Now. How do you think we ended up there? Oh, we don't have time to go through all that. They're they're a whole I am a big uh proponent of that idea. I think the smartphone made us so stupid. Yeah, so stupid guilty But also but it's also the schools We you can't expect people to miss democracy if they were never taught what it was supposed to be in the first place If you say to somebody, you know, we're losing our sense of checks and balances Their answer is what's that? And if you don't know what it is or why it's important, then they're not going to miss it when it goes away

They're just going to say is the mask singer still on because that's what I care about And also the price of pop tarts is through the roof. So I'm going to vote, you know, republican So, okay, do that, but I'm telling you things are going to change fundamentally in this country After this election and oh because you think those guys are going to win. Is it well, they're definitely going to win Are they on both sides? No, no, no Seriously, no, no, oh you one of those Because I don't subscribe to that that there's only bad guys on one side. I don't either and I say it all the time I mean, I'm on fox news all the time because I will look

I will take on they're going to like the ground round of news places No, it's just that just that I am very much a critique a critic of What goes on on the fringe of the left? I mean woke culture has just It's one reason why the republicans are going to do so well in this election Because the left has gone super crazy with lots of shit that the average american just never voted for Doesn't recognize in this country doesn't want and pay attention to and doesn't yeah, so but there is only one side That's pretty true. That does not believe in the idea that the guy who gets the most votes wins I mean hillary clinton thought for sure she had it in the bag in 2016

But before the sun came up she fucking got in her black suit with her purple lapels and came down and conceded the election to Donald trump He still hasn't conceded the last election and when it comes time for this next election It doesn't matter whether he wins or loses He's going to show up on inauguration day and this time he's got those 300 people behind him who are going to back his bullshit And that's when the rubber is going to hit the road. Oh, you're saying so even if you feel like even if he doesn't He's going to have the people to say that he did correct. That's what he didn't have last time That's fascinating. He he tried it is politics is fascinating. You should watch my show. No

You know, I just think it's amazing that you don't have to do it. You just watch it He went to that thing That dinner or whatever And they stuck them right in the fucking middle so they could humiliate him Obama and all those guys well, he deserved they don't yeah I'm not saying that but the fact that that guy then came back and took that dude's job was like that was like wrestling Yes, watching that like when you think hulk's not going that last time as he was down it stops He was starts doing this shit like that was it was a gangsta move it was it was

But I mean he had spent years saying Obama was not an american saying Obama was a fake and that he was from Kenya I mean it was horrible and racist what he did and uh, so obama had every right to make fun of him Which was fairly gentle. I mean it was funny. I mean it was it was great. I think I find the whole thing You have to laugh at it because you don't it's it's it's depressing. It's depressing to watch people on both sides absolutely lose their minds And not be rational like like we went out the fucking halloween last night, right? Or what is it two nights ago last night two nights ago? Yeah two nights ago And we're going down the street and everybody's got their scary shit or whatever and somebody had a politically themed

fucking halloween thing And I was just sitting there thinking like how much it changed where it's like first of all who the fuck is gonna look at that You know, I was gonna vote for this guy, but now that I saw that jack-o-lantern, you know Actually, wait a minute. I made a federal reserve one way back Scariest thing I could think of was the federal reserve Look at that. You know about the federal reserve. Well, that was a joke about trump It's not that he had the insurrection. He sent him to the wrong fucking building

That's what it was With the new shows backs me up Didn't know the astros, but he does in the federal reserve the legendary bill mark Give a shit about the fucking toe in the line and saying what the fuck he feels to the point of losing a tv show Which nobody did nobody did back then it's gonna be at the uh the hulu theater at madison square garden Thank you November 12 saturday november 12 part of the new york comedy festival correct bang bang boom just like that bill marr everybody Thank you for watching

Dude, that was fun. I loved it. Yeah. Yeah, okay Hey, what's going on is bill burn. It's the monday morning podcast for monday november 3rd 2014 how you how you doing jesus christ I'm trying to get comfortable here's what's going on. I'm in i'm actually doing this uh my podcast in a studio Which i never do i always do it at home Laying in my fucking underwear Right now i'm in a studio the all new all things comedy network podcast studios uh one of the first guys over here to do uh do my podcast And i have to tell you it's a wonderful experience so far

And i already know what some of you assholes are gonna say now that i've given that information that i'm not doing my podcast lying down You know dude you're funny when you're not seated You're gonna sit there and break my balls about that i don't give a shit Go ahead and do it because by the time you give me shit this thing is already recorded and what the fuck do i care? I've gotten all of my life. I'm down the street having a snow cone You know that's the life i'm living huh When did that you're not about this life hit the white mainstream if i hear one more white person fucking say that like that that's that's gonna be the next

um african-american uh expression That they're gonna have like old white grandmother saying in fucking cheesy comics Sorry cheesy comedies Why when i sip that it does sound like a fart there i just sip some water there um You're not about this life. Oh shit the old white lady said the thing the young black kids say If only she could give the finger and there was an orangutan you'd have yourself a comedy Um, all right, so how the how the hell are you i had a i had a long ass friggin week and weekend, uh

Ended up going to a wedding You guys like going to those things Going to weddings, you know, i loved about this wedding. There was no dancing Okay, and when you're as white as me That is a very enjoyable moment, you know what i mean Oh my god, there's gonna be booze and there's gonna be no dancing and you're gonna have a quick beautiful ceremony Uh, is there any way i can retroactively pay for this this beautiful service? It was tremendous. It's one of the best weddings i've been to

So i want to thank those two people who got married for having such a wonderful beautiful yet quick service That's what you want by the way When you get married all you people out there fucking torture and everyone with your long ass ceremonies You know Like you're the king and queen of uh one of those stupid countries with the pasty people over there in europe Who else has a king and queen left over in europe? Is it like england? They like the wriggly field of governments over there, right? They got these fucking

Jerk offs who just won't stop fucking each other because they got the same kind of bloodline So then all of them sort of In a roundabout way look like the english version of elie and patin manning, you know That's the deal dude like when when you fuck Okay, or at least when you go to procreate you got to get outside your circle Okay, you got to run a post pattern Get off your block. You know what i mean? Can't start banging the girl next door. She's right there

She smelled your toast and all the shit you were eating i'm telling you you're gonna get like a fucking I don't know you're gonna give them those weird kids Um, who never wants to leave the town, right? All he dreams about is driving a fucking truck to plow the snow You know it was a big thing when I was in massachusetts, you know getting a fucking state job All those guys, you know, it's fucked up and angry and on edge And as racist as massachusetts is people always goes why are they liberal? Why do they still vote democrat? It's because the amount of people there that want to get a state job

So they can lean on a fucking shovel or drive one of those orange pickup trucks like a half a mile an hour in the breakdown lane Dude you're driving too fast fucking slow it down. This is supposed to take all day I knew a guy a long time ago I worked in a warehouse and he had he quit the postal service Because he was bored out of his mind He was a young kid and he knew somebody and he got in with the post uh working for the post office And he went out and he did his route and he got he was done with it by 11 in the old timers go What the fuck are you doing here?

Get out of here. Don't come back till four o'clock You're gonna fuck this whole thing up So he went out and he like went to the movies and got like a sandwich and came back And he just because he was raised right he couldn't live a life like that right now. You know what I love is this possibly Somebody who works one of those jobs listening right now And I want I want to ask you how do you live with yourself? How do you get up every morning taking eight hours to do a fucking two-hour job? How do you do that shit? You know what I mean?

Do you really feel like you're getting any like you're getting away with something? Just I mean that would be just be torture Just imagine like whatever just make anything takes four times longer than it should Right Cooking yourself an egg in the morning Cooking it on low Just sitting there fucking the rather than being ready in like three minutes 12 minutes later. There's a fucking fried egg

That's the worst example ever, but you know what I mean step on the gas pedal your piece of shit Um, no, it's awful. I'm so pro union. It's ridiculous but I feel like so many of the unions literally became what the fuck they were fighting and then they just became assholes and then the Corporations were like, well, you know, fuck you then keep your union and we'll take the factory We will move it elsewhere. Oh look at this. It's a third world country Are there any laws even down here? Fuck it We'll go back to playing people the way we did before the triangle shirt waste fire there. Look at me Oh, who took a double deck of tour bus in fucking new york? I did this guy

All right, what I just fucking leaned back too far in the chair and I disconnected it You know what we you know, this is a brand new studio. So we're gonna have some glitches It was a glitch the hatch just moved Um, anyway, so they these fucking people were making shirts And when you made shirts back then you had you had a little bit of waste you had shirt waste Long story short somebody threw a fucking cigarette in there. I don't know what happened They didn't have any fire escapes and the goddamn doors were locked and everybody had to like basically jump to their fucking deaths And uh, that was the reference. It's not a very funny reference, but it is a reference

um Speaking of which, did you guys see that uh that virgin Uh airplane that goes out into space crashed Fucking terrifying is that? Dude the the goddamn the balls To be a test pilot To go up there. All right, we designed this thing Now on paper this thing should work

And then you have to go up there it basically See if it works and then once it works You have to start seeing what how big the the the fucking what the envelope within This thing can perform in which basically involves What they what you know the whole push in the envelope Like whatever just say you flew a helicopter and they said you can't go beyond 102 knots or else you get fucking uh Retreating blade stall like how do you learn how to do that?

That means some other fucker has to go 103 knots 104 because you know when they say it's 102 You know they they still stop it way before But I mean somebody had to have the balls to just keep pushing that stick forward I Mean what the fuck they think stand-up comics are fucking psychos To be a test pilot I mean And then you know it's the worst thing about that is what excites you after that once you're on the fucking ground

Oh honey, look i'm so happy you're home. Look what I did I rearranged the furniture here. Isn't this great? It just like opens up the room. Don't you think? Why do you just stare at me like that when I say things? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not 30 000 feet off the fucking ground. I'm down here holding on. I'm holding down the fort for you Where you coming from, huh? Did you get another blow job after one of your test flights? And what does he do? He just stares at it, right? Maybe starts laughing like ray leota and good fellas

And that fucking lap see wiping his eye and he goes back out to a rocket ship with joe pessey What the fuck kind of people are they that's your life? And you can't relate to anybody anymore That's the deal Everybody's looking at you like what's your fucking problem? It's like what's my fucking problem? I've been like, uh I went to the moon That's my problem. I'm talking to you who uh, you know went to the patriots broncos game

And you got your fucking eyebrows up like what you just did was exciting and i'm sorry I'm having a little difficult little difficult time relating to you right now You know You know his wife is giving him shit. You have to stop bringing up the fact that you've been to space You know that you test pilots test pilots you test the airplanes. Anyway, so um So they got this plane that goes up into space. I mean and they're just gonna go try this fucking thing out The balls of those guys Unfortunately didn't fucking work out

Dude, this is no fucking way. Do you realize the amount of fucking jackasses Slash former members of boy bands That are just lining up to pay 200 grand to be the first fucking jerk off Absolute fucking jerk off to get on one of those things Okay, if you if you got 200 grand to do it keep it in your pocket All right, let other people be the test pilot passengers for this fucking thing You don't do that

It's like oh it's like when like a like a new fucking iphone comes out when when they came up with that lacyc eye surgery You know And people were getting blinded and they were fucking it up because it was new you don't fuck with new technology is all i'm saying Fucking idiots i want to go out in space You're nuts You're nuts. What would you you know what? I actually got to think here. What would I rather do? What would you rather do? Would you rather risk your life going into space? Or go scuba diving?

To me those are the two big the two probably most terrifying things I've ever seen in my life. Oh, yeah, I gotta tell you this weekend. I fucking uh when I went to that wedding there was a I was out in palm desert and Stay at this really cool hotel that had this um This basically lounge act and I don't want to disrespect the person but it was a lounge and he was doing his act, right? And uh, you know older guys like in his 60s or whatever and he was singing the shit out of these frank sinatra songs

He was great really was great and um And it was fun watching the older people watch the guy because in the end he had all this whole this whole patriotic thing when he did like a salute to the troops except it was real You know what I mean? It's just a different time like these guys are like, uh Well, wait a minute. He was born in 1949. I think I looked him up So he would have been 20 in 1969. Oh fuck that. He's probably the wood stock generation Anytime I see old people like salute in the flag. I just think they fought in world war two

I think I watched too many episodes of that ken burns the war, but whatever. It was a nice thing And uh, the veterans in the crowd stood up the bunch of old guys and all that it was a really nice thing But in between he was telling these, uh, um, he was a hundred percent Sicilian and he was telling these fucking old old old-school jokes That of course would bomb in a comedy club but within the context of what he was doing They were great and uh, one of the things he said he said, uh, you know, I'm a hundred percent Sicilian my uh

My birthstone is cement or something like that which obviously, you know fucking hey, oh old-time joke But it just reminded me Of uh, one of the worst deaths I've actually thought about this like if somebody ever, uh You know wanted to take you out and you're standing on a fucking boat in cement that's drying And it's at night and they're taking you out into the ocean and they're just gonna toss you fucking overboard I would be just standing there weeping just going just shoot me just fucking out of the book

Ah, we can't man the blood splatter. We're gonna get caught Well, can you fucking shoot me as you throw me in? Just give me a gun Right as you throw me in i'm gonna pull the trigger. Is that all right? I'll count two one thousand now I'll already be in the water. It won't work Like what happens is there any medical person out there? Is it a quick death? I just can't imagine You're fucking going down waiting for your goddamn head to explode

And then you'd want to like somehow like just take a big gulp of water to end it And uh, you couldn't your body wouldn't let you fuck it. Oh my god You know what just kills me about that is you just keep going down and down and down and down Way past Where all the fucking submarines anybody's ever fucking gone you're just you're gonna keep going Now granted the pressure is gonna fucking cave you in at some point, right? Just did the fucking way to that water You know be worse if your survival instinct kicked in

And you kept clearing your ears as you went down for as long as you fucking could you just Like just some futile attempt To just survive you keep clearing the fucking air out of you use station tubes, you know See your fucking eardrums don't explode Oh christ What a fucking way to go and that's all I actually zoned out As he was singing What is a man?

What has he got? damn not himself Then he is shot right I just kept the whole time he was singing that To speak the words he truly feels right I was just picturing Going down to the bottom of the ocean in cement shoes And not the words and what who deals it was like this little good fellow film film was going on in my head me granted I was a couple scotches in

Oh, you know what so um It was a buddy of mine who got married and I was supposed to get him some cigars And I've been so busy with my day job Um writing on the uh or sitting in the room pitching jokes on the soon-to-be hit animated show in december of 2015 f is for family. I'm gonna hype this fucking show I'm gonna hype this fucking show for a year. So you guys better get you've got to get ready That's you know what I'm I'm literally doing like When they said this you know when they hyped it and when it's actually coming out it's like how long it takes for

a guy in the mass pike To drive to a pothole fucking a mile away um Anyway, so I didn't have time to get the cigars right so I got a hookup out here to get the old fucking uh cubanos there and um Anyways this uh, I didn't do it. So I go out to palm desert and I'm like all right. There's all these old fucking staunch republicans out here

They all got money They all like playing golf. They like smoking fucking cigars. I know they got Cuban cigars So I just don't go to a smoke shop. I look for a high-end fucking place that actually has a little bit of a lounge thing, right? You know fucking wooden indian outside and shit, you know all the old school stuff So I find one right and I walk in there and I'm just like hey, man. It's uh, it's my buddy's you know He got married today. I'm in between the actually the wedding ceremony and the after party I was supposed to get cigars. I fucked up. Can you help me out? He goes. Yeah, sure. Come on in the human door

So I say to the guy. Hey, you got any, you know, you got any uh monocrystal or uh You know party guests any any fucking, you know, basically and he goes, uh, I go you got some cuban cigars He goes, well, I got these over here And I go you got any cuban cigars and he goes cuban cigars are illegal in the united states of america Ugh I just wanted to fucking slap him in the face with a book of matches Oh, really? Thank you. Like I don't fucking know that

Jesus fucking christ Well, maybe because I look like a cop. He said it. I mean, what the Heroin is not legal. What's it do you know? I know it isn't I'd still like some I'm asking you to do an illegal transaction here I have cash. I'm willing to I've never fucking been you know every place I go to out here You just fucking ask him they have him in the back and this is what's funny is people say they say this shit, right? They'll go, uh You know, actually, uh, like 99.999 and 99.99% of the fucking cuban cigars in this country are fake And you know what they're wrong

Because I've been outside this country and I've smoked them and they taste the exact same and then they're gonna say well You know once Castro fucking blue blah blah blah blah blah all those companies fucking moved out of cuba go fuck yourself with your theories You read an article on one of those websites that have lists I don't give a shit All I know is that the cuban cigar that I smoked in paris france tastes the same as the one out here Okay, so whatever it is and that thing tastes way better than all of the fucking legal ones all those other ones that they say Oh, that's david dawg fucking nick a roguin

You know tastes better Don't test it higher than the cuban ones go fuck yourself Go fuck yourself. You're still comparing them to cuban cigars and there's a reason for it It's just like how every fucking car compares itself To something german or italian or whatever, right? This is like a Ferrari except it's only 40 grand You know by the way I uh I'm gonna talk cars here for a second. I gotta um

What do I gotta do here? I gotta read some of the advertising for this week Bill's gonna put on his fucking horseshoes here He's gonna read the advertising. All right live reads bingo bingo. All right What do we got here one two three this week people there's only three let's say we just knock them all out right here All right. All right. Let's talk um So I've been threatening that I was gonna buy a new car the old Prius is getting old the old fucking Prius She ain't what she used to be

Actually to be honest with you all I need to do is uh get a little interior work done Just freshen her up But uh, you know, there's a couple cars out there that I got my eye on one of them was a Mercedes Benz and um AMG fucking psycho level car, right? And the other day yesterday I saw one on the highway. Is this ever happened to you? You see your fucking dream car you see the car you want to and then you drive up and you're like I just gotta see what the person looks like that's driving it

I bet they look like an astronaut fucking test pilot or some shit right a war hero I do it. I pulled up along this car. This guy could not have looked like more of a fucking dirt bag He's like in his 20s You know, he just looked like a fucking I can't even I can't explain it because I'll get in trouble You know And not not really by the fucking politically correct police just by you know This nationality of people like they're like if pit bulls became human beings

um He just looked like a fuck like if I haven't had a daughter and this guy showed up at the door To date her I I don't know what I would do I would do something fucking crazy and then I would start weeping afterwards He just looked like the biggest piece of shit ever and I was just like am I a piece of shit Well, I am a piece of shit, but am I that kind of a piece of shit? Is that what I'm gonna look like? But then if I get the car other people will be oh, that's my dream car

I'm they're gonna pull up alongside him and see fucking Ron Howard driving the thing. It's gonna ruin it for I think Mercedes-Benz ought to pay me not to buy one of their cars Or at least give a free tinted window Package to me so it doesn't fucking hurt their hurt their product um I don't know, but I'm gonna get one this and this is what I'm doing I'm waiting Right now I can get the car, but I have to wait till the downstairs is done in my house

You know because that is a bad fucking move You don't want to go out and buy a new car when people are doing work on your house because they'll just they'll just think like Okay, this guy isn't spreading themselves too thin. This guy is it's just bottomless All right, it's not fucking true. I mean you can get you can get yourself in any car for like 1500 bucks now Signed a goddamn lease on the thing. They don't give a shit. They give you fucking eight miles a month Oh, that sounds good, right the drive home. You're already over the miles any any fucking jerk That's a thing now about cars back in the day when you had to buy him You actually had to be able to afford him

So when somebody came down the street and a Cadillac or Mercedes or something like that You could look at that man and it was a man because those bitches stayed home back then right It was a fucking man and you could look and hold your head high and go I wonder who the fuck he robbed to get that goddamn car. What did he do? You know, that's the great thing about being an entertainer is people, you know You gotta admit, you know entertainers we earned our money We started out in the fucking lounges you know

I'm totally doing this lobbing it over the net. So you fucking Cunts out there can actually rip me apart and say that I don't deserve it um No, I think I'm uh I just gotta get through this fucking build once they just finish this fucking thing. It's almost done people They're literally they put in the hardwood floors Okay, I have floors downstairs now They're putting a tile in

In the fucking laundry room That's gonna be done Everything's gonna fucking make sense. Do you know my fucking washer and dryer? We're in a closet off of my kitchen. Does that make any fucking sense? Put them downstairs. Now we turn the laundry room upstairs into a walk-in pantry. All right That's so I can resell it someday Because one thing I've learned about women they like being able to walk into something where they can put a bunch of shit You know, they don't want to close it. They want to walk into the closet. Oh my god. Look at this

I can walk in and put all my stuff here They're in a kitchen. They like the kitchen, but if they can walk into a pantry I can put the flower over here and a mixer over there. I can walk into it. That's what you want to do Like if I was still a single man, I would build like some sort of walk-in closet like a mini one like leading to my dick Right, and then you just go out to the actually didn't Justin Timberlake do that. He put his put his dick in a box Yeah, you know not every idea is going to be original. Um anyways So anyway, I can I can I give you guys a little bit of promotion here at the all things comedy network that was uh It's a podcast network that I um

I started with al madrigal a couple other fellers and It's basically, uh, you know It's basically owned and operated by stand-up comics and we don't own anybody's podcast We don't try to fuck anybody out of money. All right, but things Things do cost money. So we're having this fundraiser here at the all things comedy five dollar fundraiser starts today All right, our goal is to outfit the new all things comedy studio in hollywood with the professional quality av equipment

Uh, go to tube start.com buy a sticker that says I support all things comedy for five bucks shipping included The all things comedy live podcast number four by the way is available today on itunes Subscribe rate and review it this episode features uh, john heffron jackey Cachane i'm the worst reader ever dean delray myself Al madrigal and felipe asparaza Uh, you got to listen to him. Did I say his name right asparza? I'm the fucking worst Um, and you know what in such a fucking crime that I didn't say his name correctly because he had the best goddamn stories

I've ever heard you got to listen to it. Um I'm such a white guy from the fucking east coast. I get anything remotely latino. I can't even pronounce it um That's embarrassing. I've listened to all this fucking comedy too. What a piece of shit. I am anyways check it out It's going to be on itunes Um, all right, let's get back to the podcast. Can we talk a little football? What? Yeah, I'm not going to brag about the patriots beating the Broncos. I'm not going to do that

I'm not going to act like you know, tom brady is better than fucking uh Peyton Manning. I'm not going to do that shit I'm not going to do that. All right I I you know the record speaks for itself Head-to-head matchups. I hate when people do that. Well, you know at least seven and two against the lifetime Well, I guess that means he's a better quarterback I think it all comes down to uh, you know when you add your opportunities. What did you do with them?

All right, that's basically what it is because everything else is you got everybody else on the fucking field You know people always come up with a reason to blame it on the biggest guy and I don't think that's necessarily fair All right, although that pick six he threw against the saints was his fault I'll give him shit on that one and but I also think brady should have hit west welka Guy was fucking wide open. He threw to the back shoulder welker. Oh, she should have caught it It's a fucking shame and then what happened next thing, you know, Eli The fucking middle child ends up with more rings than Peyton figure that one out You know, but the thing about Eli that you gotta love about that guy

Is as much as he looks like he always has a cold The bigger the game the better he plays so I fucking love that guy despite the fact He his team kicked my team's ass twice in the Super Bowl But you know what when you've won three others, I guess it's okay. You know, I realize the the Patriots are actually have been in um I think more Super Bowls How many we've been in let's see we lost to the Bears we lost to the Packers we beat the Rams We beat the uh the Panthers

We beat the Eagles we also the Giants lost to the Giants that's seven our record is three in foe I think the Cowboys have been in the most Super Bowls What's their deal they lost to the Colts then they beat Miami Right so those were two In Miami beat the Redskins and then Steelers beat the Cowboys And the Cowboys beat the Broncos then Steelers beat the Cowboys. So that's five They've been in eight and then they beat the Bills twice And then they beat the Steelers

So they've been in eight Patriots have been in seven Super Bowls. How the fuck did that happen? Who the goddamn doormats of the league? I'm playing in that high school football stadium Unbelievable, but um, yeah, I'm not gonna brag about shit. Um You know, we also let up 21 points We still suck against the run and it's also a regular season game and all that type of shit So like I said, I'm not gonna really fucking brag about that. Um I am happy that we won and all that type of shit

But I gotta be honest with you. I have no idea who the best team is right now um I mean could somebody explain to me the San Diego Chargers What the fuck is that like If you bet on football this year, you're out of your mind at this point. You should just just cut your losses and go home 37 and nothing against the dolphins You know, no no disrespect to the dolphins, but the fucking dolphins 37 and nothing I missed the whole game. So I should just shut the hell up. I was at that stupid

Not stupid event. I was doing that event thing. Um, that's a sports fan of me saying that it was stupid um But whatever so I haven't I have no idea. I don't know. I don't know who shot. I don't know who's not I don't know who's good. I really don't and um But the patriots look how the patriots look every year to me Um, since we stopped winning super bowls so

You know, I think we're once again, I love that that we're somehow number one against the pass That's great, but uh I don't know. It'd be nice if we could have been at least Seventh against the run as opposed to like dead last I'm quoting somebody from last week. I might be wrong about that, but uh You know, so whatever. I hope I hope um You know, whatever I know we're gonna make the playoffs obviously because our division fucking stinks And uh, I don't know what about the Jets Jesus fucking christ one and eight

Thank god for their aides or they'd have the worst team in the league Unbelievable I'll tell you right now You know, it's gonna be a fucking bargain to pick up is rex ryan when they fire that guy because that guy is a good coach I don't like that. He talks shit and disrespects other fucking teams And he does and it's comes from a place of insecurity. I think and then he's like, no, you can't get mad at me Oh, I respect people. Shut the fuck up. You ran your mouth when you had a good team now your team stinks And now you now you now you're not talking

So maybe he is a good guy. Maybe he did learn his lesson I'm gonna wait for rex ryan to have another good team and if he doesn't talk shit, then I'll be like, all right He uh, kind of learned a lesson then but I think most of the reason why he's kept his mouth shut is because his team has stunk However, um, I will say this, um That that team is not his fault Uh, they uh, you gotta get rid of that gm, you know Coach is only as good as the play is I sound like one of those stupid analysts on fucking espn, but it's true The guy he doesn't have anybody

And geno smiths from what I heard was the dead gms. That was his big fucking pick You know, what are you supposed to do? So, uh, whatever. So he's gonna get blamed He's gonna get fired the jam's gonna get fired and then someone's gonna pick up rex ryan I think, you know, if he gets if he gets with the right gm I think, you know, that guy took the jets to like within two plays Uh, or one drive I should say of getting to the super bowl the fucking jets That's an accomplishment in itself, you know, so I don't know it's weird. I used to I remember for the longest time

I used to wish I would switch the jets would lose and I fucking hated rex ryan because he was talking all that shit I wanted to see the guy flame out exactly what the fuck's happening and now it's happening And I I feel bad for the guy because I feel like uh, what's going on is not his fault I wanted them to lose with the fucking players that he picked because he talked all that fucking shit You know, we're gonna win a soup blow with a best fucking team in this fucking league All of that shit strobe me up the goddamn wall, but now it's now it's how I can't root for a guy to lose his job Can I? Yeah, Jesus. I don't know

Um, anyways What how how much how much time have I done here by the way, Mike? Well, we started over didn't we or this is this is the real time 37 minutes. All right Um 37 minutes in Uh All right, what the fuck else am I gonna talk about? Oh, I did a I did a benefit benefit, uh Uh for pit bulls last night

It's one of my favorite benefits of the year because I absolutely fucking love dogs and I also showed up and um There's all these pit bulls there that need to be adopted and stuff and uh It's just the best the best fucking looking like if you drew a dog's face. That's what a pit bull You know What their face looks like that is just a fucking dog So I went over there and there's all these poor dogs that had their fucking ears clipped and shit You know, they went through all of this goddamn pain and they're just sitting there, you know They're looking scary because their fucking ears are all cut up and shit. Oh, so I go over to pet this one, right?

Great fucking dog. It's one of those dogs where you start petting it It like leans into you it puts all its weight on you and I wasn't prepared for that And I squatted down like a catcher to pet this thing and it just fucking leaned into me and actually knocked me over Like a fucking asshole But uh, oh it was crazy. They had puppies there You know, if my dog wasn't such a psycho and wouldn't try to fight another dog if I brought it in I would own three of them so I just got to ride it out with the crazy dog that I love now give her the best life possible

Um, but when that chapter is over, I'm gonna get uh, I'm gonna get a blue nose a red nose I'm gonna get an all-white one And I'm gonna get a black one I'm gonna have four of them and even then that won't be enough. That's how much I fucking love that breed of dog so it was uh It was a fucking great time going over there and uh doing the show actually I did two shows And the first show went great in the second show. I don't know what happened I think I went out. I went out too hard. There was a comic in the room that I wanted to impress

Uh comic that I liked when I was starting out and I still like him obviously, but uh I tried to fucking that's I swear to god. Nothing will humble you like fucking stand-up comedy every time you think you got it down You know, like I got this fucking figured out What ends up happening, you know, you go up there and yeah, I didn't eat my balls, but uh I definitely uh, I I munched on him a little bit I swear to god. I thought I said I thought I said it the same funny way. I went up there and I said, you know what? I just hope that when it's all said and done all the money we raise here tonight some of it trickles actually trickles down To some to the dogs or something like that because you know all these half of these fucking

these goddamn uh charities our total scams Just as far as like, uh You know the the amount of money That goes towards whatever the hell they're trying to stop versus what they line their pockets with I mean it is a It's a scam somebody sent me something where You know the amount of charities out there that

That that they name their charity that almost sounds like the legitimate charity, you know like that um That coming to america instead of mcdonald's it's mcdowell's They do that and these fucking pieces of shit We'll just put a picture of a starving kid or something like that And then you feel bad you drop some change in there a couple bucks and they just keep it and they go out and they get a house All right, we had another glitch with some of the why is here The fuck was I talking about it'll get better people it'll get better

If you get down there and get your all things comedy five dollars fundraiser stickers Um, do we even have a website? Mike do we even have a website where I'm supposed to tell these people to get these fucking stickers at? All right there go to tube start calm If you'd like to stop hearing delays in this podcast now, whatever we'll figure it out anyway, so these cunts they start uh, they start a um A uh, what do you call it a charity and they name it like another charity that's actually legitimate And then they put some you know sad puppies face or uh, who the fuck knows what and then they make a bunch of money next

You know, they got a big house sitting by pool and they don't feel one ounce of guilt They're absolutely you know what happened to these people if they actually did something like that in singapore You know where it's illegal to spit gum On the sidewalk, I can't imagine the caning that these people would get and they would fucking deserve it too as horrific as a caning video is um I actually have a theory people Oh, billy gossip is coming with the theory. I've noticed this year, uh You know a lot of stuff came out about a certain campaign

That uh, that was raising awareness that made everybody wear the uh, well, it's not quite a magenta Pink the pink campaign a lot of shit came out About that a lot of unsavory fucking shit over there About that campaign about how much money was being raised and how much was actually being appropriated toward actually finding a fucking cure for breast cancer And how much was going into uh new tiling inside this person's fucking uh, olympic-sized pool and

Also a lot of shit came out about the nfl and their pink jerseys And by a lot of shit. I mean the website I went to in the one article that I read um About I thought it was a legitimate website. I mean it was on the internet, right? And they were saying that like you know like 95 of the profits from those jerseys went into the nfl's pockets And I think that people were starting to blow whistles And but the nfl makes so much fucking money For media giants espn

Fucking fox In nbc that they all kind of squashed it And I think that the pink lady and the nfl both made their money and they slowly back it off each other And just going to pretend it never fucking happened because this year they went from oh my god if I see another fucking pink thing again in my life I'm going to kill myself last year You couldn't escape it. I mean I remember I was in new orleans working and there was like uh I went to this casino in the blackjack table. That was two years ago. The blackjack table was pink

It was all fucking over the place and now I noticed this year Straight across the board the nfl and everywhere else Way way way the fuck toned down Way the fuck toned down and I think they're all slowly walking away From uh some unsavory shit. They're just acting like it never happened. Hey, you know Whatever we like that crimes and misdemeanors with somebody got killed but nobody got caught and you just kind of Get over it after a while. You just get on with your fucking life. I think if I had to guess Uh, but then I'm a negative. I'm not a negative prick. I'm a cynical son of a bitch and uh, I think that that's what happened

I Some day that Oprah will make a fucking movie about it, right? The lifetime network Someone will play the pink lady. No, Oprah wouldn't do that, right? That's That would make women look bad. She she's not about that if there's a guy You know what just they say it was based on real events And then somehow they would make the reason why the evil woman at the head of the pink campaign Did it was because some guy was verbally abusing her or hit on her when she walked down the street

There's a couple of none another like non stories and stand-up comedy Like the the fucking outrage, you know back when I was a kid when people got outraged What they did was when they wanted to find out if people were actually outraged They they went out in the street and they talked to people now. It's like marketed outrage. So I don't even buy into it You know what I mean? Like uh this comic They did this whole fucking thing this woman made a video she walked around new york city for 10 fucking hours 10 hours

Yeah You fucking walk around in public for 10 hours is a good-looking woman somebody's gonna hit on you, right? That way they should follow me for 10 hours It'd be the exact opposite instead of people hitting on me like hey over here anybody Acknowledge me And then the end I get mugged Jesus christ bunch of fucking cry babies now. You know what I love all the fucking clothes

She was wearing were made in a sweatshop somewhere So as much as she's having a fucking problem people calling out how nice her ass is There's some crying child that made those jeans that are so wonderfully cupping her booty cheeks You know and you know, I think that's one to grow on I don't give a I think that's somebody just just a bunch of bullshit Everybody flipping out about it's such a lazy goddamn story. And then you know where they always get started some fat fucking bloggers site But some victim douche makes a fucking video and then they always end up on those cheese balls sites those list sites That steal six hours of your life

Top 10 turtles in the indian ocean all of us. Oh, jeez. I wonder what those look like, you know, how the fuck did you end up there? The top 20 worst plastic surgery nightmares The top 100 porn star blowjobs In the month of march I mean as much as i'm making fun of them. I obviously because I can make fun of them. I know what the fuck they are But um, I don't know. I'm just

You know, it's it's I don't think there is any outrage I don't and I think when they just they just find like two or three fucking people and just try to magnify it Right, someone will get upset about anything like this fucking that chick up there in organ who had an inoperable Brain cancer and decided that she rather than go through it. She just wanted to die I was actually reading this story. She went to Oregon because if you want to die up there, they let you do it um You know and the hospitals are like wait a minute, how dare you

Decide to die and we don't make any money off of it But god damn it. This goes against the lord You need to come into our hospitals and lay there And we'll medicate you and we'll just drag this fucking thing out And uh, then stick your alive relatives with a six-figure bill. How dare you go around all of that? She basically medically speaking was off the grid. So she decided to go up there. It's actually fucking creeping me out You know, she went up there and she picked out the house that she wanted to die in She picked out like a little yellow house

And uh, and then just basically took drugs Like i'm dying now. Do you realize the fucking nerve that that takes? I couldn't do that as much as like, uh I could if you were gonna put cement shoes on me And you gave me a cyanide pill Which is probably a horrific death too, but uh, it's nice and quick Yeah, I'd do it, but I'd still have to psych myself up

You know trying to think what prayer I could say to a higher power just in case it actually exists That would exonerate me from all the fucking horrific shit that I've done in my life um I don't know if I could do that What would you rather do would you rather just go to Oregon and die in a yellow house hanging out with your friends Just watch a football game be like all right everybody listen, man. I had a great time. I keep going home See you later, man. I just fucking pop a pill I don't

I don't know guys. I I got nothing. I don't know what the fuck happened this week. Oh, I here's one for you. Kansas City, uh Kansas City Royals lost the world series, man. That killed me I wish they sent that guy home You know, even if you got thrown out at the plate just to have a fucking somebody try to get inside the park Home run in the ninth inning down by one bottom on the ninth at home Jesus Christ. I was watching that in the bar and um The second it went by that guy

I'm thinking all right. That's a double then it went down there and he bounced off the wall and that guy kicked it or something I'm like, that's definitely a triple. You know what kills me if that was willy wilson Running the base path. He definitely would have made it Oh, that fucker would have made it He would have made it and then you know what you would have had you had one of the we would have had one of the great plays In baseball, however, if anybody's gonna sit around and give that guy shit is like, you know, he should have gone and that's it The same reason why he didn't go is why that guy in center field Missed the fucking ball because it was the ninth inning of the world series. You know what I mean?

There's so much on the line. That was a regular season that guy just would have let the blooper drop in But he ran in thinking I gotta make a play. I gotta make a play and then the second I hit the ground He looked like me out in the field you know I actually make fun of myself a lot athletically like I stink and uh, that is that nothing could be further from the truth A lot of people don't know I was actually drafted by the texas longhorns to play baseball But uh, I just decided, you know I mean, I just Roger Clemens was still there at the time and I was just you know, I was just like, you know, it's his time

It's his time. I don't I don't want to do that to people right Is anybody watching hockey, you know, I've been so busy fucking looking at all this other shit I have had no time to look at whatsoever. Although I do know that uh That the fucking Bruins beat the senators the other night, didn't they three or two They shifted up the lines Berge's line there. They got my shine and the other fucking line or something Big peel. I'm basically out of shit to talk about maybe for the first time ever So I'm just gonna sit here and uh

Just can you guys just ride with me for the next couple weeks? Well, I well I'm gonna we're gonna write and record these next couple episodes and then I'm gonna be done with the episode family Shit, then we're gonna animate it Then I'll actually have some free fucking time and I can actually live a little bit of life And maybe actually have something to talk about Oh my god damn podcast Mike. What am I up to here like 50 minutes 51 minutes I gotta somehow figure out another nine minutes of shit that I have to talk about You know what you're not gonna help me. He's just gonna sit over there go. Oh, we got another glitch

Got another glitch on the fucking main board here Mike has that ever happened any podcast in here it hasn't right? What is with me in technology? It's just it just doesn't fucking work out for me I don't know All right, whatever Corpse found in a Costa Rican Concordian wreck assumed to be Russell Rebello. No way not fucking Russell Rebello Ah Jesus Christ, this is my fucking phone

Who is it? Bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump Ah shit, I gotta take this guy. Sorry Hello Hey, I'm finishing up my podcast can I call you back in two seconds? Okay, cool. Bye This is how bad I am with with technology the reason why whenever my management calls I always pick up is because I know they probably sent me an email that I didn't see

And I'm supposed to be somewhere that I'm not I really fucking hate the fact that people can get away with now Well, you know, I like dude, why didn't you tell me I sent you an email? Why don't you just send a fucking carrier pigeon that doesn't fly back to you and like you should send a parrot Is what you should do Send me the message and then the parrot comes back like I was able to give it to him and he read it Right. You just send a fucking email. Did I just imitate a parrot? Is that how much I'm fucking struggling to Fill time? Yeah, I don't fucking like when people do that shit. They think I sent you an email. It was all in the email

It's like, dude, I get a thousand fucking email. How much porno I've watched on on uh on my computer Jesus Christ, you know how many fucking emails I get a day. I've bought shit On all of these fucking websites. I can't even find emails anymore. I get so much stuff and then people. Oh, why don't you uh Why don't you just start a second account and you know on that one? You know, it's only for friends and family and all of that fucking shit because eventually I'm gonna have it open And I'm gonna look at somebody, uh You know fucking blowing somebody and then next thing that they somehow they just get it There's no more privacy or whatever. So that's the reason why I took the phone call. I apologize. That was unbelievably, uh, not unbelievably

It's probably typically unprofessional of me. Um Yeah, so anyways, all right, what do I got going on coming up? Uh, anyways, uh, you know what? I'm just gonna hype the shit that I do have coming up. I got a stand-up special coming up Uh, December 5th. I know I've bored you to death with this, but uh, I'd love if you watched it It's on uh, netflix and I've been getting shit about this that it's only on netflix and that you're not gonna be able to buy it anywhere for like a year And all I have to say is you only have yourselves to blame for that All right, if you cut fucking cunts would actually pay for the goddamn thing I could put up my own money for it

You know But I can't put up my own money for it because only like maybe I don't know 5 000 of you will actually purchase the thing and that'll get me 25 grand back of about 180 grand So would you do a deal like that? You wouldn't so whatever netflix put up the money So that's how it works and then part of my agreement is that they own it exclusively for a year. That's how it works But here's the thing. You know some asshole some gonna whatever you fucking tech geeks call it rip it and wrap it and fucking Upload it and it's gonna be on youtube anyways, so you'll just see it that way Okay, so quit breaking my fucking balls about it

It's fucking nerds man Out there, you know, how come they just keep making movies about fucking superheroes and then uh transformers and shit And apes taken over the planet because you stole all the other ones you stole it You stole all the fucking when you get what you pay for you stop paying for movies So now they're like fucking we're gonna make these movies that even if you steal them It's gonna suck to watch at home. They're either gonna make those or they're gonna make little cheapies Little cheapy ones where you gotta You know you gotta share a sleeping bag with the five other actors and the directors every day on a shoot

Those are the only fucking movies they make anymore And you know what you fucking cunts get no one to blame but yourself So I don't want to hear so my special comes out december 5th on netflix. All right. I should have called it You get you get what you pay for. Oh, is that what you should have called it bill? Oh Then what's gonna happen? Huh? Is there some group gonna get upset? Who's the latest guy chris rock gotten trouble chris rock gotten trouble. He got outraged He got some outrage. He told some joke and and people were outraged some people or some groups How long you know what's funny about what he did was there's no real group. I guess boston's strong

They could get outraged They could pretend to be outraged so they could sell more t-shirts So then they can line their fucking pockets And then uh, you know, maybe a couple of it trickles down To the actual victims of the bombing. I swear to god like I would like to start it You know what the charity you should do is you just walk up to the person Who got injured in the in the bombing and you just hand him a bag of cash That insurance companies can't see so they don't say that this well, you're now making this much money

So this somehow cancels your policy We've got to somehow come up with something where you just get the money directly to the wounded warrior directly to the victim of the uh, uh, the marathon bombings You know as opposed to these mary k cosmetic fucking cunts who are standing in between The the money and the victim like a fucking They're sitting there like like a windscreen. I literally have my arms out right now acting this out Just catching as much of the cash as they possibly can it's like a filter I don't know. I'm not saying they're all bad

But generally speaking, you know what I mean People are fucking people and I uh, you know, I don't trust them. I don't fucking trust them Is this bad him? I you know, what's funny is uh at some point I I'm hoping to get to the level In this business that actually somebody will take the time to get offended by something that I say although the second show last night You know, it was david spade was in the crowd I don't want to drop the name and I'm a fucking huge fan of his so I wanted to impress him And then I went up there and I fucking ate my balls. I didn't eat my balls

Ah, he's fucking kills you know, and that was like the last set of the night It was my last sets and now that's just lingering there. So unfortunately tonight. I'm actually at flappers I swear to god that's the name of a comedy club I don't know why they always have to give them zany names like zanies Right wackos bananas Fuck fucks whatever the hell they call them. This one's called flappers and evidently it's because back in the day I don't know. There was people that people who danced You know like during the vaudevillian days. Hey, let's get some flappers out there. You know, we get the you know

Well the comics, I don't know getting his puppet Whatever the fuck they were doing right So whatever so they named this comedy club flappers and then all the waitresses and shit got addressed like it's the 1920s And then the guy who runs the room. He's got a fucking dress like he's got a fucking Tommy gun in a violin case I don't know why they do it I don't know why they don't sit down with other comedians that have a meeting and just say hey Do you think this is a good idea?

I was speaking at which you guys got to listen to the versi effect this week another all things comedy member paul versi Somebody threw a fucking beer bottle at him. Thank god. They missed They threw a fucking beer bottle at him And versi did said he did some matrix shit And the guy missed him but like this is just classic comedy club security like I don't know if you guys realize but but

Throwing a beer bottle at somebody's fucking head is a salt with a deadly weapon Like you literally can lose your eye cave in your skull I had a buddy mine in high school somebody smashed a bottle in his face. He's scarred for life I haven't seen him in years, but I mean he had this big scar going from his forehead right down the side of his face Totally affected him socially like when he talked to him He would cheat his face to the side. He was this outgoing guy became all fucking self-conscious and all that shit, right? and um This guy does this shit classic

comedy club security Do you know they didn't get the guy's name and he just fucking left They're like, oh, he just ran out of here. Say, what do you mean? He just fucking ran out. How does he just run out? He threw a fucking beer bottle at somebody Hey, just for you. I don't know He kind of slipped through our fingers What I just fucking ran out the door like charlie chaplain. I'm not saying you got to go fight the guy But with all this cell phone

Camera video that you can get now you couldn't videotape his fucking car That videotape. What am I so old whatever You couldn't get a vhs tape of him him driving out of the parking lot Just something a picture of his car anything that guy should be in fucking jail I don't know. Sorry. It's a good friend of mine. Let me throw a fucking beer bottle on him Anyway, so if you want to listen to the the full story of it listen to the verzi effect this week and um That's it mercifully. I'm up here at an hour. I apologize guys. I had you know, I didn't get it done this week

You know, I think I started off strong with the test pilot shit. I ended I ended kind of weekly Or maybe I didn't Maybe you guys are actually enjoying it and I just can't hear the laughter um this weekend If you are in boston, massachusetts, I am doing uh the 20th anniversary Believe it or not. I can't believe it because I think I was on the second or the third one It's how fucking old I am the 20th anniversary Of a great charity where the money actually goes to the people that need it

the cam nealy uh cam nealy house comics come home the 20th anniversary Dennis leary Is kind of hosted as always he put together this charity with cam nealy 20 years ago You know from day one. It was a big deal. I remember the the year that we did it. They actually filmed it for uh comedy central And uh now somehow it is in its 20th year. I remember a few years ago was in the 15th year I was like, how the fuck is it 15 years?

You know, it feels like two years ago five years goes goes by like two years now at my age So it's kind of terrifying. But anyways, it's going to be a murderous row Of comedians and uh as far as I know, I think they're putting me on last as I mentioned last week And that and that's what you do on that show. You do not headline you go on last So I got to make sure uh my my game is uh up to snuff So, uh, I don't get fucking I don't get a bunch of shit. You know, it's funny. It was the wedding I went to this week

I hung out with a buddy of mine that was from boston and I haven't been around that vibe That like that much that consistently it's just the level of defensiveness. So now we started talking about sneakers and uh Now we were saying how you know, oh, you know people Will stand in line for sneakers and people get beat up and shot over sneakers and sometimes these these sneaker heads They buy these fucking sneakers and then they put them in the back of their closet

So they can break them out five years later. So people like oh, fuck. Where'd you get those? And this dude totally fucking boston. It's just like It's just like yeah, dude. I don't I don't get that, you know like my whole life like I never been into shit you know Like i'm not

i'm not into shit Like really choppy talking Like we're just having this conversation just kind of jumps in like that and we're just looking at him like what do you mean? You're not into anything you like to fish He's like yeah, dude, but I wouldn't like buy a fucking pole and then stick it in my closet And pull it out five years later. Oh look at his shit like every fucking thing was like that he went up to go uh do a drink run

And he comes back he's like yeah, dude, what the fuck's with that bartender, you know I go up there to order your bourbon the guy's like do you want it neat? Do you want it on the rocks? It's like dude, I don't want the fuck that means just put it in a glass You know what the fuck? So anyways, I'm gonna be performing for people like that next weekend to raise money for uh the cam mealy house Um, all right, that's it. I'm sorry. He ended with a whimper He came in like a douche and ended out like a cunt. All right. That's the podcast for this week I'm getting new and comfortable to the all things comedy podcast here

please go to allthingscomedy.com check out all the other web uh websites all the other um Podcasts that we have on there and once again if you'd like to help us here Go to tube start.com and uh buy a couple of stickers You can do it if you want if you don't who gives a fuck I didn't talk about halloween I got talk about halloween real quick. This is like a comic that will not get offstage He's just trying to get the last big laugh mics over in the corner like for fuck's sakes I got a life to get on with it

Um, I we finally figured out We finally figured out halloween. This is the way you do it because last year We did not give out candy because my lovely wife was so fucking sick of all the high school kids And the precocious cunt kids and the fucking uh adults that show up and they want candy And they say fucked up shit. This is how you do halloween. All right The first hour is the best It's all little kids little cutie pie kids with parents who are excited and it's their kids like first or second halloween The first one the first kid that showed up to the door

He was dressed like a little fireman, right? And I'm like, oh, look at you little fireman. How you doing? And I you know, I crouched down and uh, I hold the bowl out to give him the candy And this adorable little kid reaches in grabs one of the candy bars and then goes to hand it to me I would I'm like, no, no, you get to keep it. You get to keep it. Fuck it. Adorable as hell, right? Uh, and then he turns around he goes to walk away the back of his jacket his ring his little Raincoat said fire chief. It was adorable as hell But then he stopped was hilarious

He stopped and he walked back and he reached and he grabbed another piece of candy and put like he got it You know, and then I was thinking now that's cute slash He's on his way to being like these cunty kids that are going to be coming here in an hour So there's an hour of these cute kids and then the next hour You get these precocious kids, right? Who think everything they say is so fucking brilliant and that adults are stupid Right and these kids come up And as I'm going to give him

The first kid, you know, there's this group of kids and one of them comes up to the door And I'm just like he looked like he was the grim reaper I'm like, oh the grim reaper. He's like, oh, I'm not the grim reaper I'm so and so from like either harry potter or fucking lord of the rings. I don't know what he was supposed to do It's just like dude. Fuck you. You look like the grim reaper How many houses are you gonna go to when they get grim reaper before you blame yourself that you made a bad costume? Your little douche, right? So I'm like, I'm sorry, man. I didn't see the movie and he goes. Well, could you at least read the book?

I wanted to fucking boot him right in his seventh grade ass All right, then another group of kids they come there and we all fucking give him candy And then they start singing we wish you a merry christmas We they start caroling on my front porch like this is blowing my mind Like I'm gonna be like wait a minute. What holiday is it? That's what I can't stand It's the fact that they think that they're smarter than you. This is why it's so great I never had kids. I would have been such a bad parent because I just want to be like Do you think you're really fucking with me right now?

I had water damage on a house. I have a fucking mortgage. I have a goddamn wife Do you think right now what you're doing is blowing my mind? Huh you little fuck I just I don't know and then what we did so then we wrote it out through those douchebags because still there was some Little kids cute kids coming up and then what you do is the first fucking kid Who looks like he's pushing? high school age

And has that shitty grin look on his face What I should have done was just slam the door in his face said he was too big But I did because I don't want anybody fucking with my house What you do is you let him one guy get you you give him the candy and the second he leaves. That's it You blow out the candle and the pumpkin you shut off the porch light. You just shut it down It's over you shut out all the lights in your house and you go down Into the bottles of your house or into some closet and you just pour yourself a drink Oh

What's up everybody and welcome back To the anything better podcast nfl preview edition for the best lines there are for our sponsor bet mgm Everybody, uh, if you haven't signed up yet to bet mgm, uh, what are you waiting for guys? All right, bet mgm app. It's the best one out there. All you got to do is download the app Okay, we got a bonus code for you, which is super easy called burr B-u-r-r and you do that and then once you deposit at least ten dollars. That's it though at least ten dollars You will receive up to a thousand dollars in free bets Uh, even if your bet loses

So, uh, just make sure use bonus code burr. B-u-r-r put in ten bucks and they will give you Dude, they're gonna give you ten stacks Gonna give you ten stacks to have a little fun with a little little walking around money. Can't beat that um, and we are going into week number, um, nine and uh, yours truly is um, I'm I'm fucking I'm flailing here guys another one and three bill goes two and two And uh, you win some you lose some Hey, you win some you you win some you lose some. Uh, I believe I have first pick going into

So steady slow and steady loses the big That's what I'm doing I'm in grand rapids. I'm pulling up to the hotel. Let's knock this out. I got my jimmy the greek sunglasses on I'm ready to go this week. All right. Well, I got the first pick and uh With the first with the first pick Um, the record. I didn't say you didn't have the first pick What's that? Just for the record. I didn't say you didn't have the first pick. You know, there's a little bit of attitude in that

I didn't appreciate it. No, no the attitudes with myself. I don't get about some gamesmanship. I'm just saying, you know The attitudes with myself, um Set in a tone I'm gonna take the new I can't believe this but I'm gonna do it Oh, paulie's taking a dog. I am gonna take The 11 and a half points and the new york jets at home against the division rival buffalo bills The jets are coming off a really bad What great they're gonna get out. They're gonna get a uh, uh, uh, uh, prevent defense

Touchdown in the end to tie that up. I almost I was looking at that. I like that pick I'm gonna take the jets 11 and a half after a bad loss. We'll find out what the jets are made of We're gonna find out what you're made of paul All right, I'm going tonight. I'm going tonight paul. I'm getting out of the way early I'm taking the eagles given 13 and a half even with the prevent d touchdown They're gonna give in the end. I still think they're gonna stomp this shit out of the uh, the houston gambler's there the usfl Okay All right, I

No, no, I'm actually thinking about if I'm gonna go head to head. I like the 13 and a half points at home um Don't stop in you Is it a dump, you know? It's a dumb bet. Let me let me let me hold off for a second. I'll see how I feel later on after these picks Thursday paul um I mean everybody's white bitches until Friday. They don't even play tackle football. Can you imagine how these professional athletes feel? Are the washington bag football on thursdays?

It's like nfl gets that game us degenerates will still watch it. Nobody gets hurt Go out there and put some shoulder pads Um like the lingerie league Everybody goes out there dressed like jim palmer back in the day when he did the chucky edge Are the washington commanders for real? I don't know I'm gonna take the minnesota vikings on the road fuck sucker

Sorry, uh, i'm gonna take the vikings minus three out of a bitch I mean, I didn't know You know, you know what you're doing Oh, you goddamn liberal conservatives. You're fucking up this kind I'm gonna take minnesota minus three against the commanders. I'm not buying it There you go. What do you got paul? Nobody's selling it Nobody's saying the commanders are for real All right, stop throwing mustard on your goddamn pick that annoyed me. There's not one analyst out there saying the commanders are real

Oh, dude, they are they're saying that this backup. They should have had them in earlier. There's some truth today anytime you say, dude I don't like it. All right. I'm taking the seattle seahawks getting to an arizona Getting to an arizona Oh, it's a good one Oh He's a great coach Great coach. He's got uh, you know the son of jim zorn in there Dude sneaky pete wins. What could you say?

Niki pete wins. He doesn't want to go home Um, he doesn't want to go back to his house He wants to go to the playoffs I'm gonna take With my third pick I'm gonna take the cincinetti bangles Coming off a loss. Oh my god. You're going to that game those two fucking teams. They playing the colts. Oh, no playing uh, uh panthers Yeah

Oh my god, don't neither one of those teams. I don't know who the fuck they are Well, we're gonna find out if joe burrow what he is you got you got two strippers Bringing them back to your house with that game right there. Good luck Turn on the video camera before the charges start coming All right. I got uh Taking the ramps getting three in tampa bay against the flailing Tampa bay fucking ears. I love tom brady, but that man does not have an offense

He does not have a he doesn't have any fucking receivers and I don't think he has ad totes All right there. I said it I don't want to go against the town that gave us hooters but god damn it We'll bet money here. I got my sunglasses on paul. This shit. I mean this shit is real I like the glasses. Wow the rams. That's a that's a That's a ballsy pick. I like it paul. Who gives a fuck Hey, hey, I go two and two every week. Who am I? I'm just some guy in fucking old school sweatpants here

All right, I'm dressed like rocky, but I'm not running up the stairs. What do you think about that? All right, I got I got my fourth and final pick here I'm dressed like rocky because I took the undefeated eagles and I'm rooting for the fillies right now paul I know I'm Last night they threw like a progressive. No, yeah, but I love how they say it's a no-hitter It's not a no-hitter like I love how they go. It's charity paul. It's progressive everybody got everybody got a ribbon A no-hitter in my day talking like a molder a no-hitter in my day by yourself One of my day a guy threw a double header

You know those guys the guy threw 18 innings. He was still throwing in the 80s after he shot a cologne commercial You didn't hear them whining about it When I I used to see guys drinking Budweiser's in the dugout If I see one more fucking car out here with their political stance on the back bumper, nobody gives a shit Everybody knows how they're voting Stop fucking devalue when your car Um pretty soon they're gonna have like used cars for like political people. I got a 1988 pro ronald reagan honda simp I

Should I go head to head? I got a jimmy kardis susu susu brat Tizuki bra. What was it Subaru brat? Remember that that fucking pork shoes for a fucking Pickup truck stick your friends in the back you back into a drive-in movie theater. That's how they tried to fucking sell that Um, all right, man this last one's tough Oh They call them paulie the pause paulie pause. I don't like pics so I don't know what I'm having Um I'm like your wife when she goes out to dinner. What do you have it? I don't know. What do you happen?

Then you got to sit there, you know I'm gonna take the Texans getting 13 and a half tonight. Come on. What are we doing here? You're home Have some pride and I don't know dude. You know what the eagle's almost lost to arizona in arizona I'm gonna why not Well, why not paulie you got it? You got to fucking you got to make a move at some point I'm talking i'm talking myself into this right now because i'm a you got to shit or get off the pot Listen, I got to shake things up a little bit in the versey organization or i'm on the hot seat You are on the hot seat. You got to make a bold move

I'm gonna take the bears. Am I buying the bears getting four points at home against the miami dolphins? Are they gonna stop tyreek hill? You know what paulie? I'm gonna do something fucking crazy right now. I'm gonna take the green bay packers given three and a half in detroit I don't give a fuck Wow, I don't care if erin rogers plays with his nipples during this week in practice The end of the day, it's a family-run business and there's no passion over there And I feel bad for the people of detroit Speaking of which i'm in grand rapids tonight. You want to come down to the show?

All right paul, that's it paulie I'm not here. We have one more thing to do here Let the monday night's bad show Win some money for you. We got the bad show We got the um We're in a hundred or two We got the boltamore ravens In new orleans against the saints and boltamore is minus two and a half

Well, they got a better coach New Orleans coach took, you know the summer off to travel Fucking through europe to figure out who he is before he becomes the head coach of the chargers So we like the ravens Yeah, but they're gonna go down there. They're gonna go out of bourbon street They're gonna get a lap dance. They're gonna be fukin before the game. This is a tough one paul Um They play well at home

Under over four under over 48 What do you think under over 48? I got on my rally hat for the monday night special Oh, that could be the difference. What do we need 48 under over? What do you think? I say the ravens go in and they win the goddamn game and nobody in norleans gives a shit because they eat fried food We couldn't fucking party all night anyways. They don't need a win They already got this super bowl They got plenty of horde dude the super oh so long ago Super bowl was forever ago

yeah Yeah, but they still won. They don't give a fuck. They're still partying after that I'm adjusting my glasses here. I say the ravens win it. Uh-huh. I like that Yeah, let's go with the over paul. Let's give people something fun to root for Let's go with the over and I think that came on on new orleans rushes for one What's his name? Alvin kamara alvin kamara, that's the guy All right, anderson cooper's gonna rush

All right, so then the monday night special is gonna be we got the ravens minus Here you go, andrew. We're taking the over and we're betting on one guys in the saints and it makes no sense Just like building a city below the floodline. None of that makes sense And that's why I think you are gonna win some money That's all I'll see you later paulie All right, there you go. I'll see you later. Have a good show out there in grand rapids, buddy Thanks paul. It means the world to me that you just said that

I'll talk to you soon all right, um We will reiterate monday night special baltimore ravens minus two and a half. We're going over 48 And we are going to take alvin kamara of the saints to rush for a touchdown um My picks andrew you have my picks I just want to reiterate my picks. You have bills written down. I believe I got the jets I got the jets plus 11 and a half. I got the minnesota vikings minus three

I have the Cincinnati bangles minus seven and a half And I have the houston texans tonight getting 13 and a half This is gonna this is gonna be either a kill shot for the paul versey camp this year Or it's gonna get me back up the ladder a couple steps. I don't know All right, everybody. So that is uh this week's uh picks and monday night special for nfl week number nine Okay, and um, we hope you win some money. We know

We know that the monday night specials have been rough and we know that we've won you some money in the past And we know we lost you some money. Uh, it's a freak. It's a weird year guys. It is a weird year I don't know what the hell's going on brady's going down rogers is going down the patriots I mean, it seems like all the pillars andrew all the nfl pillars are falling They're taking rome andrew. They're taking rome uh Right, so it's uh, so, you know, there's a lot of team. I mean the eagles. I don't know who had the eagles to be undefeated Um, I mean, yeah, nobody had the eagles to be undefeated. I don't think anybody had the giants

Oh, actually I did but other than that. I didn't have the giants Doing, you know, like nobody really thought the defense would be this good of the giants Nobody thought that that some of these Teams would be now some things but listen, there are some really good teams that are up and down. You just don't know There are certain teams. You don't know who they are week to week As far as anybody people reaching out about anything, but we are going to be doing We obviously going to do a lot when we do the regular anything better. It's going to be a longer podcast, but We're traveling and everything going on. Yeah, these just work because you know, these are 10 15 minutes

This is the football. This is for people who want to pay attention to the football Yeah, this is this is listen. This is for the gamblers. This is for the people who want to throw a little bit of scratch This is for this is our nfl picks, but when we do a regular anything better We're gonna do a long regular podcast where we don't talk about sports. You guys know that it's just uh, you know Hey, it's football season. Okay, you know It seems self-explanatory, but some people gotta get confused because they just click listen Um, but yeah, I mean the the whole point is to have this be a separate entity So the people who necessarily don't want to hear this don't have to and uh, we get to work with a company that uh, you know

Helps us make it a little easier. So yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So we will be uh, we'll be back next week We'll be doing a regular anything better. Uh, we'll be doing uh week 10. We hope you guys win some money this week Uh, let's go Texans tonight. Let's get let's not lose by 14 Let's start Paulie off in the right in the right direction and there you go This is uh, this has been it make sure you guys download that bet mgm app And make sure if you put our bonus code in which is burr burr and you put as little as 10 dollars in 10 dollars minimum You'll get a thousand dollars in free bets guys Even if you lose they're giving you a thousand dollars to play with bet responsibly, but bet mgm

They're the best the app is super easy. Hey, I use it all the time Uh, so there you go. That's it. We'll be back next week for week 10. Enjoy your football week and um, let's go Monday night special for everybody's uh, for everybody to win some and remember guys to bet You got to be 21 years of age or older to wager in arizona, colorado dc Iowa Indiana Kansas michigan, mississippi, new jersey, new york, nevada, pennsylvania, tennessee Uh, virginia, west virginia or wyoming only new customer offer paid in free bets visit bet mgm dot com for terms and conditions

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