Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-5-15

Episode Date: November 6, 2015

Bill rambles about parents, flat heads and thread counts.

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All I know is I don't have time to do this shit today because I got to run to the airport. So this is Bill Burr and this is time for the Thursday afternoon Monday morning podcast just before Friday. And I'm just checking in on ya. Just checking in on ya. My wife is still sleeping downstairs and I don't even think I have time to do a half hour. So I'll tell my guy to tack on a little more. Mr. Thamelis to tack on enough time so it fucking works out. Alright, I'm on my way out to Philadelphia. And I actually didn't know American Airlines flew direct there now.

You know why? Because they bought fucking US air. It's like fucking nine airlines left. That's like the race right now. You know, who's going to own everything like all the airlines first or all the banks? Either way, you're not going to have any fucking options, right? It's going to be all American Airlines. And this is what the price is. Would you rather work? Yeah? And shut your fucking mouth and get on the plane. We'll put you down by the luggage. So anyways, I actually got a few more suggestions about cheese steaks when I go to Philly. Of course, I don't have them in front of me because I just had to take my fucking dog out who's been up all night.

She had the shits so I'll be looking them up. So I think I'm going to get two. One in the afternoon, one at night. You know, just gradually give back all the fucking weight that I took off. I'm up to a buck seventy-three. Ah, brutal. But I just got to hang in there and maintain like one seventy-one to one seventy-three. You know, I worked out yesterday. I just took my dog for a hike. I just got to maintain this shit. I just got to make it to November sixteenth because then I'm basically off for the rest of the fucking year. My year's done. It winds down and, you know, I'll just work out like a madman.

And then it's great. Last time I was like one eighty-seven when I had to drop down now. I'm just one seventy-three. That's all right, right? So anyways, yeah, my dog last night, fucking thing. I don't know what happened. It just was just, I don't know. It's starting to get old, man. It's kind of freaking me out, man. It's kind of, you know, if I don't take it out enough, it's bladders a little bit weak. I guess when you get them spayed or neutered, that that can be a side effect, which it never was. And I took her out in the morning and I gave her a bath because I knew I wasn't going to see her for a few days. So, you know, I wanted to have her up on the couch, you know, watching the Hawks fucking Blues game, right?

That was the game plan. What ends up happening? You know, I didn't take her out for, you know, I waited too long. She ended up fucking tinkling on the goddamn couch. And then I had to take her out and then my wife is just like, you know, we're not going to see each other for a couple of days. So there goes the fucking hockey game, right? One of the great ones of the year, Black Hawks go up five to two in the first period, scored five fucking goals in the first period. You would think the Blues, well, that's it for them. Thanks for playing. Go get yourself some deep dish, right? All of a sudden it's five to three, right?

Five to four, I think after two, and then they tie it up five, five, and then in overtime, Vladimir Tarasenko scored the game winner. Actually, all I did was watch the highlights. Just fucking, just, it just seemed like a fucking, that's one of those games like a basketball fan could enjoy. Like a true hockey purist would be like, you know, there was no goal tending, there was no D, whatever the fuck they would start fucking whining about, you know, like those kinds of people in baseball that enjoy a pitcher's duel. I don't mind a pitcher's duel if they're just mowing people down and they're keeping it moving. But if they're grabbing their nuts and tugging on their fucking shoulders, you know, it's taking nine fucking hours. Basically, if it doesn't happen in October or in April, I don't give a shit.

Like, I'm really cunty towards baseball. I don't know what happened. I used to be that guy that could watch a game in May, June, July, and August. I'm just not anymore. It's got to be April like, oh, the summer's coming. Take me out to the ball game. Take me out to that crowd. Pay in for parking. They've blocked off all the streets. So they own everything and they can compete with the Yankees. And then I liked it again in October. That's basically it. Oh, by the way, by the way, respect to the fucking Kansas City Royal fans.

Did you see how many fucking people showed up? Jesus Christ. I mean, granted, they hadn't won it in 30 years, so, you know, there's a bunch. You realize, think about that 30 years, how quick that fucking goes by. 30 fucking years goes by. That means if they won it when you were like fucking 18. I was 17 the last time they won it. You're thinking, oh, they won it. You know, they came close in 1980. They fucking, you know, did great in 76, 77, 78. This is what it's going to be like.

And then they just drop off the fucking table. The next thing you know, you're 47 years old going, oh, yeah. I remember when they won that in high school, was that like 20, 30 years ago? One of those deals, you just feel like you're fucking 9,000 years old. But anyways, yeah, a bunch of people showed up. I mean, that looked like that rivaled the Red Sox one when they broke the curse. It was only 30 years, so great baseball fans, as you knew they would be. They were incredible football fans.

So, and I don't know why, dude, I actually kind of became a fucking Mets fan, which goes against everything. You know, I'm supposed to, you know, hate every team from fucking New York, but Mike Price, one of the co-creators of F is for family from the Simpsons. Sweetheart of a, he's just such a fucking sweetheart. I just wanted him to be happy. Not saying he's not happy. I wanted him to see a championship because he was watching.

I remember last year when we started writing the show, like they, they Mets were in a good position and they just started, you know, tanking. And he had, he had like, you know, I was like, how'd they do last night? He goes, they lost and he laughed. Oh man, that's, I'm sorry. You're going to watch him again tonight and he laughed and he goes, yeah, he goes, we'll probably blow it again. Like that's, that's a real fan.

You know what I mean? Like when Verzi was given, was talking shit about, not shit, he was just talking to me going, dude, do you see how few Mets fans were left last night when KC clinched it? That's a disgrace and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like it really isn't. That's actually the norm because when your team sucks, the stadium is half full.

All right. When they get good, it's full. And then when they start to suck again and they start losing, if it looks like they're definitely going to lose, like half the stadium empties out. So really every team only has enough fans to fill up, true fans to fill up half their stadium. All right.

All those extra seats are for when they're good. Does that make sense? Especially the ones down around home plate, the ones that you see on TV because those are all hookups. You know what I mean? Have you ever walked up to the gate to buy baseball tickets and they're like, yeah, hey, can I get two tickets for the fucking whatever, whoever the fuck they're playing for the pirates or whatever.

What do you got available? And they got like two right behind home plate. Never happens. Those are Illuminati tickets, right? Those are people who work at like Nabisco, right? And blew some guy from Nestle, you know, gave money to Hillary Clinton or something. Those are the people, the kids, the kids are those people

that suck some of the richest dicks in this country. Their kids get to sit down there, right? And they don't appreciate it. You know, they show up in their fucking Ferrari. They got an eight ball in their fucking shirt pocket. The second they, you know, three down by three runs, they're out of there. They're already craving to do another bump.

You know, either that or you fucking, you're like a hundred years old and you got your bottom way, way, way back in the day. But even then, once they fucking build a new stadium, they end up squeezing you out, right? And when it comes out, the local newspaper writes some article about Joe Sixpack and now he's at the top of the stadium and the fucking ownership goes, well,

we're going to look into that, but at this day and age, in order to maintain a competitive team, we have to look at fiscally, look at our, right? And then the whole story goes away. And then those, those, those people up there, that Bruce Springsteen and John Cougar Mellon Camp always sing about, right? That Al Gore talks about when he talks about,

I tilled the land, I held, I held, I held that tobacco between my fingers. I don't know why he sounds like George Bush, because I'm limited when it comes to impersonations, right? Those people, they're all up there. Those people, right? People that work for a living. People that still tell racist jokes, you know,

at an inappropriate time. Those people, the backbone of this country, you know, the silent majority. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Yeah, so my dog woke me up like three, four times last night and I remember thinking like, wow, this must be like what it's like to have a newborn baby. And I thought about it for a second.

I was just like, wow, parents are still pussies, because this isn't that bad. You know, as much as she got me up four times last night, I'm deliberately just teeing this up for everybody. Four times? Try four times in an hour. I hate parents. You know, I fucking hate them. Is there anything worse than watching two people

make a conscious fucking decision to change their life and then whine about it or want to fucking meddle for the rest of their goddamn life? All right? You weren't diagnosed with the child. There's no tragedy here. You decided to have one. Or maybe you didn't, but you knew how they were made so that's your own fucking recklessness.

You got a fucking kid. Quit your fucking whining. And just because you got a fucking kid doesn't mean everything on TV has to turn into two fucking muppets throwing a beach ball around. All right? People who are adults who don't have kids should still be allowed to watch quality entertainment.

All right? How fucking hard is it to not have your kid watch that shit, especially when they're really young? You can't just walk up and turn on the TV like you could as a toddler, walking up sucking your thumb, you know, coming in dragging your blankie and your fucking wearing your diaper.

You just come walking up and you just reach up, stand on your tippy toes, right, and turn the fucking thing on. Now you need the remote. All of those fucking buttons. All you do is you just don't show the little maniac how to turn it on. And then even if he knows how to turn it on,

you just keep the remote on top of the fridge, right? And you show him where you put it too and maybe he'll try to climb up. He falls down, he hits his big head, right? Gets his first concussion. Break him in, you know, like the way they used to break in a new car. People used to think you'd go out there

and you'd drive like 100 fucking miles an hour. That was the way to break in an engine. Evidently, it wasn't. Evidently, toddlers falling off a stool trying to get a remote control off the top of a refrigerator, banging their little soft heads isn't a good thing either. It's not bad if a kid gets a concussion. It just sucks if they go bald later on in life

with that flat side of their head. You know what I mean? I don't know what I'm talking about. I had a great time being back here, unbelievably fucking tired, by the way. And I had a benefit to do Rhonda's Kiss, which is this great benefit that raises money

for people who are diagnosed with cancer, yet do not have the money to afford treatment because we don't have nationwide healthcare in this country for whatever fucking reason. It's the dumbest thing I've ever seen. You know what I mean?

I love people who are against it. I so want to have nationwide healthcare because at least I'll get something for my tax dollar. I don't understand. What are they doing with all the fucking money other than overpaying the cunts that put them in the office to go build a fucking bridge? Huh?

Oh, he's on his soapbox. So anyways, and this was put together by Dave Kushner, who's doing the music for Effis for Family.

Him and his wife Christine put the thing together and what was I going to say? He's a former guitarist of Velvet Revolver, so there was all these fucking rock stars there. He asked me to come down and open the show and

and of course he said, hey, do you want to play a song? That's my rule. I won't force my hobby on anybody, but if you ask me to play, I will play. You have been warned, so we ended up playing a whole lot of Love and I somehow was able to fake

my way through it and I got to play with Duff McKagan, I swear to God, Gilby Clark and Kesha, and then it was me. It was fucking awesome. And what was funny was

I kept bugging Dave, going Dave, what song am I going to play? What song am I going to play? When he's so busy putting together the fucking event him and his wife are that he didn't get back to me until like three days before and he goes, you want to play Hold a Lot of Love and I type back No, no, no, no, too difficult

and then I just said, ah fuck, it's not being a pussy, so I write yes. And he goes, all right, cool. So the event was Tuesday night and Monday you know, I came back basically Sunday after two weeks of fucking drinking and having not played drums in forever and also being a stand-up

comic who really isn't even that good of a drummer and I went into the we went in to rehearse it and I probably played the worst I've played and it was even bad for a comedian who sort of plays I was fucking up the fill that

entered the song, you know those da da da da da da I was fucking that up and and I was just, oh my god dude it was fucking, it was horrific it was fucking horrific, I mean they were totally cool helping me along or everything

but the night before I couldn't sleep, I was just laying there in bed going, I'm going to fuck this up I'm going to fuck this up and I remember Gilby said hey, just make sure tomorrow he was totally cool and supportive

he just goes dude, just make sure tomorrow when you come out, he goes just really hit him hit him, don't tickle him, hit him and I'm thinking, oh god this guy thinks I hit like a bitch thinks I'm a little girl so the day of the fucking gig when we rehearsed and there was no singer that was messing me up even more

aside from the fact that I suck right, so I ended up I went on I went online and I just looked up there were no drums and someone had just put together this track where it wasn't Robert Plant singing

so it was different phrasing than Robert did so all of it was enough to be a little bit different and I just played to that like a thousand fucking times and we went down and did the gig and I somehow pulled it off and I don't think I fucked up too bad

I didn't see anybody trashing me on the on the internet but Duff was nice enough to walk over and stare at me during the and he was just going one, two, three, four

one, two, three, four I literally had to hold my hand through that and it was fucking great it went great and I still can't believe it I still can't believe I got to do that shit and it was one of the sickest fucking lineups

I mean everybody was there, man it was like Dave Navarro Duff McKagan Gilby Clark Steve Stevens, Billy Morrison Billy Idol came out

like his whole band came out with Josh Fries on drums I got to watch him the whole fucking night and then Billy Gibbons showed up out of fucking nowhere I swear to god it was like a rock and roll hall of fame night Mark McGrath that thing was fucking killing me

that guy is so fucking funny he was standing there and he was giving everybody the intros and making everybody laugh as he was bringing out the bands and at one point he just pointed out to nobody in the crowd and he just goes what did you say sir did you just say hey Mark

why don't you sing a song a number one hit that you wrote in 1997 is that what you just said well absolutely and then he goes into that I just want to fly he was fucking hilarious so I'm sure I'm leaving some people out

oh Juliette Lewis fucking murdered it fucking murdered it sang dirty deeds in a creed and song it was fucking insane that's all I got to say it was absolutely fucking insane and I got to slip in there

for like five seconds and I just remember after I watched like the first you know five or six songs go down and my jaw is on the fucking ground like I was literally like I think I was speaking in falsetto they should have put me on first

whatever I survived it and it was awesome but I didn't tell you about the set I had to walk out and do I had to do stand up they wanted me to do a half hour and you're open for bands man

that shit nine times out of ten that goes sideways it's like you show up there's everybody standing up people are talking and you know they're there to see music and that type of shit so what I learned at that event is you just sort of play to the pit

the first four to ten rows you just play to them and then you just start going oh people in the back if you could talk a little louder that would be great you just throw those in but I probably shouldn't end with go fuck yourself at a benefit looking back I wish I didn't say that

but other than that it was an amazing night so I want to thank everybody that wrote this kiss for having me on that thing I will obviously do that I would have done it anyways if I could just do stand up on it forget about letting me sit in and all that type of stuff

it was just a fucking incredible night I fucked up too right before the show I walked down the street it was down it was at the L. Ray Theatre so it was on Wilshire and I walked down and LA is not a walkable city so I'm just walking down the street and it's just like alright I hop

five guys burgers and fries which by the way is so fucking overrated it's ridiculous with their stupid bags of potatoes laying around like oh look how healthy it is right you know and the fucking I ended up going to Chipotle

ugh what a mistake I got three fucking tacos over I was literally just walking down the street going alright what am I going to poison myself with there was some Japanese place it was ONO BBQ

so I was joking like oh no BBQ we don't know how to make this right I was just like I'm not fucking eating there right so I ended up going with the Chipotle and then that's not a good that's not a good look

you don't want to shove three fucking tacos down your fucking pie hole before you do a half hour stand up you know you know what's funny about Chipotle is how fucking guilty they are I don't know what the fuck happened to them but I came walking in there and they had a giant I was talking to somebody about this they had a giant sign that just said

food with integrity and they show all these natural all these beautiful looking food with integrity what the fuck does that even mean what did it get busted for something it didn't drop a dime on its other food friends like what the fuck

food with integrity and it was just a picture of a bunch of food healthy food I don't recall anything else up there and then next to everything up there it had how much calories it was tacos anywhere from 380 to 600

burrito anywhere from fucking this up to fucking 1000 or 1500 and I was just looking I was looking at the menu going like dude this is like a fucking sex offender that has to announce that he's in the neighborhood the fact that they have to give out

this much information about how much what kind of shit is in this food then they got that stupid food with integrity there was like the food version remember that Obama poster when he was running it was all those different colors and he was just sort of looking up and it didn't say anything like

what I don't understand what that means it worked out right eight years man got eight years so anyways you know what I did miss is I thought I had my recorder set to record the Bruins for the season this year

and for some reason it's weird it's like I went on the road and all of a sudden it stopped working it's almost as if my wife was recording too many reality shows and when she had to make a decision she shut off the Bruins thing now I could never get her to admit that

you know but come on you know she does that shit to me I'm telling you and you know why I know she does that shit to me because I do it to her if I'm taping two fucking football games and like

keeping up with the cunts is coming up to stop me from taping things like I'm shutting that thing off I'm shutting it off I don't give a fuck right no so anyway so I thought my fucking recorder was going to record the Bruins

stars Tyler Sagan, Jamie Ben Jason Spetza I thought Spetza was the second line center Tyler Sagan has Jamie Ben on one side Jason Spetza on the other side the fucking mother fucker

comes back comes back and scores a fucking hat trick against us I haven't even seen a highlight of it yet but I'm happy for him I don't know what happened to him with us there was a whole bunch of the usual rumors that they tell the fan base you know whenever

they get rid of somebody they always say oh he was partying too much oh he banged the owner's daughter he fucked one of the other players wives it's always the same three fucking you know the same three fucking rumors I don't know

what happened I have no idea what happened but whatever you know there was rumors going like oh he showed up like fucking three games in a row wearing the same clothes you know because he's out partying and I was just thinking like you know I think I did that

at his age when I wasn't playing for a professional hockey team I think that's part of being 20 19 and 20 right so anyways so we traded him and like I predicted that was going to be a wake up well my prediction

was either he's just going to take what they're saying is true he's either going to tailspin out and then write a book about being a complete fucking Alki or he's going to fucking whatever he was doing wrong he's going to fucking you know there's going to be a swift kicked in his ass and he's going to start fucking

you know buckle and down which is what he seemed to do and just instantly second he got over that and he's fucking scoring goals god damn it I said that the other day I think the Blackhawks are the only guys the Blackhawks have a bunch of guys

that they had to get rid of for salary cap reasons or whatever I think they might have the most guys around the league that they got rid of that are either they're on the first or second line of every fucking team out there it seems like it's like a form of Blackhawk

I'm like seven or eight different teams out there even the stars Patrick Sharpe who was on their first line is now on their second line right Daily Faceoff who's been watching who's been looking I fucking love Daily Faceoff anytime the Bruins have a game

and my wife hasn't shut off the fucking recorder I could actually watch it all you do you just go to Daily Faceoff you click on the fucking team that you're playing and dude they have them all lined up their first line second all the way to the fourth all the defense they got all the jerseys all the numbers they had to be geeking out about this shit

but I would have loved to have had this as a kid oh when I was a kid you had to buy hockey cards and you had to memorize them do it for years and then second you got to memorize somebody retired and somebody else came in so anyways alright what time is it alright 8.03 I gotta jump off here

I gotta jump off a little bit early here about four minutes short let me read a little bit of advertising here cause I gotta get my ass to the fucking airport cause I'm going back to Philly I got a show to do and cheese steaks to eat alright nuts.com everybody alright this is an important message for all the

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alright that's the podcast for this week just check it out you guys have a great weekend you can't and before we get too far into this I do want to hype what you got going on here you have a brand new show on Showtime called Dave's Old Porn

which debuted about a week ago no Bill let's see we're about three weeks in and it's been going great yes for a premium cable it's a hit a lot of people who are

into retro porn because it's mostly about the hairy 70's early 80's porn of yesteryear before twitter before the web and all that kind of stuff old vcr top loading Dave's Old Porn just to let the listeners at home Dave

just to paint a picture for him tell us about the show without spoiling basically what goes on well it's kind of the mystery science theater of porn where I bring out comics like this week this Thursday at 1130 on Showtime

Bill Burr himself will be there and we will be sampling jumping from clip to clip through Nina Hartley who is probably one of the greatest living legends of porn Nina Hartley Delight Super Cool Lady and we watch your clips did you have fun watching her stuff

I was absolutely star struck that she showed up I sat on a couch with me Nina and Dave watching and literally watching old porn and sitting there commenting on it and I thought she was cool as hell I was really

great definitely I don't know how to I don't know porn stars they just don't judge anything when you've just gone through all of that stuff they've done they just kind of like hey you know whatever get that at one point you had don't give it away

we'll be posting a little bit of that clip this week on Davezallporn.com what I realized is that first of all watching porn with women is different than watching porn with dudes like you know Sausage Fest Bachelor party you know watch a couple of stag films get drunk

everybody with their legs crossed trying to be hard on get younger right but we brought out some of the funniest ladies too ladies I mean, Chelsea Handler, Margaret Cho and it's cool watching with a woman because they get the woman's perspective on sex and porn

and the whole thing and they like it but they don't like it like we like it you know that immediately was fascinating to me what did you find was different well they definitely do not like double penetration anal donkey punch anything that you any kind of

jizz what you call facials and money shots all that stuff is really not in their bucket list of I hope one day to do this with my prince charming I think for most women that is like that but then every once in a while you'll meet a real thoroughbred

and they'll actually be relating to it the way you do it's hard to talk about I actually saw I was messing around with this girl a long time ago and I watched one of those Max Hardcore's I love that guy

and they were and I remember saying to her like yeah you're not going to watch my porn I'm watching at this point is really twisted you don't want to watch this shit and she's just like no no I'm going to put it on and she was actually I actually got self-conscious I shut it off and I was like I can't watch this with you

yeah you feel bad and then she was just like what she what did she say she said she wanted it is the way she said it which was just the classic accused line and I had a lot of fun with that girl Dave I really did

you're an unassuming type so I never even thought you liked porn because some of it I don't think you really understood what we were doing but then I think once you got into it you really like dug in and I like that because at first we were watching this movie that Nina made with Tracy Adams who's another legend

of porn called The Ultimate Lover with Eric Edwards and it's kind of a Frankenstein ask film and we try and jump through the whole film and it was really difficult wasn't it watch an entire movie I mean like you never do that in real life watch a whole porn from beginning to end you just go right to the point

yeah exactly fast forward or whatever the phone rings or your boss walks in it's over I got this weird I think it's the being raised Catholic thing it's like as crass as I am on this podcast all the shit that I say

some of the stuff I talk about on stage I curse a lot but I do stay away from sex for some reason I can say cunt on stage I can do all that type trash women, misogynistic stuff arguably I don't think so I like to think I have a point

but for some reason if I talk about sex on stage I'm always really self-conscious and I feel like I'm being crass I don't know why and I'm not judging someone who talks about sex it's just personally I think it has to do with that sort of upbringing

probably the episode I did with you though that was the initial going out, god I'm talking about this this is on TV because I had no idea what the show was how hardcore you were going to do it or the way you guys were going to edit around stuff which I saw a clip

which is fucking genius by the way it's really funny and we floating on the couch hey Bill look at me you three weeks in I'm sorry I'm like Lucas we're working with an actual comedian and a human being

and not having me digitally put in there let me tell you something it rocked out because we had great comics like you and Jim Norton and Adam Corolla has Norton's there yet? Norton to porn is like he's the soccer joeya

he can find the three way he can find the three way at a church picnic I mean he is the best he really gets into it but I can see for yourself he would be like a great analyst on ESPN except for this porn that's why I was asking

when is Jim's? he's towards the end of the run but right now last week's show for those who did watch and I think your crowd would dig this Dave's old porn well known was the young porn stars Bella Donna, Christina Rose, Bobby Starr

watching the old retro Harry porn they found the quaint they were like look at this the hair they didn't really dig but they like hair a little bit but the sex they were like look how adorable they're cuddling and kissing

in today's porn it's really like you said it in the show it's like a work out it's like a p90x video it's like fucking hardcore and extreme am I talking too much? not at all but you gotta give me credit being 15 minutes

in and I've yet to go so Dave what is the inspiration for your material? did you always want to what were some of the jobs you had before? I don't think we've said this yet Thursday 1130 on Showtime Dave's old porn the new hit show it's a hit

it's doing really well it's right after Gigalos which is about a couple of male escorts so there you go it's the late night block and then the twitter account is at and the letter O in porn is actually not the letter O

it's zero it's number zero but let me tell you this Bill if they go to the Dave's old porn.com website they'll be able to see pictures and clips of upcoming shows your show will be this Thursday and other stuff that we have shot

but it's really when you say how did I come up with the idea I've been working on this idea for like four years I think I've told this to you three or four times recently whatever We shot this like a year ago didn't we? Yeah we shot this last summer and it took so long to edit

because it's all about post production you saw but besides that I've been working on it for years and years and I came up with the idea it was co-created by Stuart B I don't use his last name because he is in television but Stuart Bailey and he's helped

helped me shape and guide it and Showtime is the best place for it everything up to penetration that's awesome and there's always one guy who's like where's the penetration? It's like I'm with you dude I'm totally with this guy I feel like I cannot save this man

you know it's like I'm with him I love porn so what can I do? you're kind of doing it the way they do movie trailers right now when they show a movie trailer they show the entire movie except for basically the conclusion of the third act they show you right up until how the hero

solves it and I think that that's what you're doing with porn because if you actually show the penetration then there's no point you want people to laugh you know all the people rubbing one out as they're watching it right? I'd like a little of both I'd like people to go like you know that was funny and now I'm hard what do I do you know like that kind of a thing

and the dog runs out of the room you know is this how you pitched the show when you came in? Alright what else we got? We got dilemmas here Dave would you like to try a dilemma? Let's try a dilemma A dilemma let's see if we can Is this like an ancient dilemma?

I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know

Is this like an ancient dilemma like you know a man stands on one foot No this is more just this is sophomoric I like how Bill you don't even Is this the first time you're seeing this stuff? Oh yeah I don't read this shit I just totally wing it

It was a really brutal one here Alright Dave would you rather eat a tablespoon of Kim Kardashian shit or suck an entire fart directly out of Rosie O'Donnell sucking directly on her obese balloon nut

Wow you know it sucks when you want to do both It sucks when Well I don't know I would say that I would go I don't know That's a definitely coin toss if you ask me because I

I mean if anybody's shit's going to taste good you got to think I mean she's so primped and proper you know what I mean I think she gets some sort of ass pedicure once a week or something Every hole is insured by something points of London but She's super hot so everybody

would go with her but you know what I'm going to take you to the other direction go with the Rosie whatever the hell you said Oh look at that left turn I'll even take it a step further because to show you how much I really have no self esteem I would eat Susan Boyle's box if it granted wishes

and even everybody goes what if one of the wishes was you never remember eating her box give a shit I'm sure it's as sweet as her beautiful voice Bill Bill in your hypothetical world the noises she would make the noises she would make

I think she would pass up wouldn't that be great to get there one of those children's novel pasty thighs she has like fairy tail legs I would think you know what I mean she is Angel Forts she just queeps

angel prayers I got to tell you I think I would go I would go with Rosie O'Donnell I would do that to him because at the end of the day it's air it just doesn't seem as bad I'm going to go I'm going to get so hot though I'm going to get science

but you're not really experiencing her she's just going to shit on a plate you get to see her do it she doesn't like an assistant brings that in right you get to see her do it she's very busy she's dodging the everyone who was outraged that her sham of a marriage was a sham

of a marriage but you know I don't understand Bill who felt they got fucked in that one who do you feel bad for the poor people at People Magazine that have a million dollars to pay for those dumb photos I honestly could not give a shit about any of that

bullshit or whatever but I'm just going to say this right now don't you think just from just living in America of like you know pumping gas like you know using a gas machine that like you've you've like somehow over your entire life

just the contact of like people of other people touching shit that you've eaten a shit oh absolutely yeah I think that like if you collectively collectively yeah it's like probably like a nice big turd probably you get your stomach pumped like when you go to heaven like they show you

like this is how much shit you've actually eaten you know like God gives you like how much change you've given to homeless people like he has that chart you know I had somebody in St. Louis did that you know you shake hands afterwards and you always have like that hand sanitizer afterwards and I actually had an audience member

deny to shake my hand he goes I'm not because of everything and I was just like yeah you know that's actually that totally I totally understand why you wouldn't want to at this point and I always make sure if I'm going to scratch my face it's always with my left hand like I totally get

why you know Howie Mandel is probably the most famous for it doesn't want to shake hands and if you and people thought it was weird but if you're really honest with yourself and you think about the last 24 hours some of the things that you've done to yourself and you maybe were in a hurry you didn't quite clean up you know

but think about it this way I've been to the third world and like they can only dream tell about it yeah and they can only dream of like you know like wet wipes and purell and shit like that I mean you know they're filthy all the time and they love it and they always have a big smile you know like hey what's up

don't they like shit on the side of the road sometimes yeah I mean like squat in the one fountain that's in their country there's some of that yeah I've actually seen that so yeah don't they have like the people's bidet the people's bidet is that a new show that sounds like a new show on a new network

we do it differently here at OWN suddenly the channel changed the first time you saw blood caught too late now you're strong you've bled yourself

the ones I call is rare when there is nothing wrong surviving your alright advice Bill and Dave will add that I need your help I dated this chick and I feel for I think I love her

what song was that I feel for you I think I love you no no come on man it was 80s I'm gonna keep singing until you know it I feel for you I think I love you what fucking

it's gonna kill me all day alright anyways what split us apart is that she didn't like porn and I promised her I wouldn't watch it I had self esteem problems and like an idiot I broke it

I guess he broke her self esteem I tried fixing it and for a while things went back to how they were but she wanted a break I agreed but later she started to like another guy I didn't like that and tried to get back with her we had sex and things were going great I thought everything would go back to the same

but later she said we can't have sex after I felt depressed I knew she didn't like me anymore and she started liking this other guy when I was depressed I didn't talk to her much it lasted for three days this kid must be young

it lasted for three days and during that time she started dating the guy brutal spelling errors so forgive my already bad reading out loud skills here this is almost we're about halfway through here if you want to start lighting this cigarette I asked her why she went off and dated a guy she doesn't know

she said because I was detaching myself I want to get over I want to get over her but I'm having trouble only time I am happy is when I listen to stand up comedy in your podcast you write this yourself I'm smooching your ass there I feel bad for breaking her heart

and because I feel like she didn't love me oh Jesus Christ this guy doesn't make sense I was always there for her she had many problems when she was alone I stuck up for her I know I screwed up oh this is like a suicide note

is this going to get okay honestly is he alright anyways he's basically asking how can I get over her and move on what do you say Dave what is this what I say your formula booze and porn will help you

in the immediate thing but in the long run you gotta just there's whatever you gotta get out there I mean this kid he's still trying to trying to like get this chick but she's already moved on cause we all know one thing guys got porn but women can

fuck any guy they want honestly I mean like if you don't treat a woman right she will go out and like fuck your twin brother just to show you that like you gotta you know whatever they're vicious they can be vicious or they can be amazingly cool so either way he

he should just say like you know what chalk this one up for experience move on next chapter in my life use the porn and the booze sparingly but keep it in the back pocket and there are chicks that like porn so maybe the next one won't have such a big problem about it but this girl it's called

the dead end move forward I have one of my theories is when you break up with someone is you get the fuck away from them good idea if you can because women got that they're just fucking geniuses when it comes

to just knowing right they can just sense like wait a minute he's getting over me and then they'll fucking call you up and just spin your shit around and then just hang up and be a mission accomplished and they just do that until they're over you and then they just leave you in a puddle in the corner so

my thing is you just you just fucking you break it off and that's it exactly you're right maybe this kid he works with this this chick where she lives near him or something like that but you're right he's got to clear the decks move forward new experiences you're not gonna marry but you gotta just get out there

and do shit but the porn will help you honestly and this girl should have been such a such a priss about the porn thing and you know it's amazing how she got over here yeah you're not gonna marry this girl you can't watch porn exactly can't watch porn with this isn't your wife I'm emotionally dead as an old man here and let me tell

you something kid what did you look back and laugh at this if you're still up to you I I let's get into some of the some of the listener feedback for the week I got something from

from from Germany it said hi billiam I'm a black Tunisian born and born and raised in Germany so I guess he's from Tunisia which I don't know where that is

I had to guess I would say Tunisia is right next to let's see not Vietnam and he is just laughing at me

what the fuck what was that place when we were in Vietnam we weren't supposed to be in the other country next to it like Laos or something I have no idea Jesus all that cab driver what a douche what a douche right

you're so stupid with the geography really fucking goddamn scientist driving a goddamn cab yeah fuck him mother fucker so anyways after listening to your incredible tulu tea regarding last week's listener

from Hong Kong I decided to finally write you and show you that it ain't no thing for non-native speakers to talk the talk see I kind of went African-American jive slang on that sentence oh Jesus

he goes it ain't no thing maybe he's trying to be funny or maybe he just saw an episode of Sanford and Son I don't know English is not that difficult to language to master why are they such arrogant cunts

English is so simple to master you Americans you're so stupid first of all you fucking moron if Germany was running shit like you wanted to I should be yelling this shit here like you tried to for two fucking world wars

you think I wouldn't have a problem master in Germany you fucking cunt all you fucking cunts over there who think you're so goddamn brilliant because you can speak English the reason why you're speaking fucking English is because for a while there America was running shit

alright that's why you speak it not because you're fucking smarter you dumb cunts you're as fucking stupid as I am I've been over here I've seen you I watch you riding your bikes I see you breathing with your mouths open stop acting like you're so fucking brilliant

I'm not saying I'm better than you but you cunts are the same cunt than I am okay you're just in a different situation go fuck yourself that's like if some white kid is born in Harlem all of a sudden he knows how to dance and can pop luck because he's hanging out

with fucking African Americans does that make any sense well it does in my world go fuck yourself I have had it with you fucking people from other countries talking down to me like you're not just as dumb as I am alright

I am on a whirlwind tour of fucking Europe right now I am traveling as an American and I gotta tell you the architecture is brilliant but I gotta tell you I'm not exactly blown away by the intellect I'm not talking to people going wow this guy understands and can explain

black holes you guys are doing the same shit that we're doing you're downloading music you're trying to get laid you want to sandwich when you're hungry go fuck yourselves so anyways he then goes on to say

hahahaha English is just not that difficult a language to master hell everything else here in Germany is a cheap knockoff of American lifestyle entertainment, fashion, music etc you think we wouldn't somehow learn to talk American English

excuse me for giving you a fucking compliment you Tunisian born Germany cunt alright from the Ukraine hi Bill I just really want to let you know how famous you are I'm living in

fucking Ukraine not even a capital of Ukraine in a very small town more like a village and I'm listening to your podcast every Monday how cool is the internet there's some guy in the Ukraine yet another place that I don't really quite know

where it is once you get into Eastern Europe because when I was growing up that was all fucking Russia wasn't it once you got beyond Poland and Germany shit once you got to fucking East Germany wasn't that Russia Ukraine is that near Romania or is that

a lettuce I'm sorry that was just a silly salad joke I'm living in the fucking Ukraine and I'm listening to your podcast every Monday also I heard all of your podcasts since you started I was born here and never live in an English speaking country

I learned a little bit of English in school and pick up the rest from your TV shows see I gotta admit that fucking blows me away you just sit there and watch a TV show pick up English I want to talk to you like what

what English do you just like walk around going hey hey hey up your noses with rubber hoses oh Mr. Cot-tailed is that what you do do you just speak like American television characters

who's giving who this is one of these things I'm jealous of these people's abilities to pick up languages I want to be bilingual but you know what it is I don't have to be you know what it's like it's like climbing up a rope doesn't everybody want to be able to do that just grab a

rope and without using your fucking legs just go right up it like your James Bond who doesn't want to be able to do that but the thing is is to get through life you don't have to be able to do that so most people never pick up that sort of strength

languages the same thing if I don't have to learn how to speak it I mean to sit there and actually just sit down and give yourself a fucking homework assignment I don't know I'm failing miserably in my Spanish and uh I'll

go fuck yourselves you know what you got you know what you guys win this is like a game your special teams are better than ours in the language department you sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus

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