Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-7-19

Episode Date: November 8, 2019

Bill rambles about Boston, covered up news stories, and the craziest state in the U.S.

Welcome to the CPAP Games Live from the Hayes Bedroom. It's another eventful night, Bruce. It sure is, Ron. Steve has been flailing everywhere struggling with this CPAP. His wife, Michelle, is as tense as a fiddle string trying to contain her rage. Michelle's rolling Steve over. There he goes, and the mask is off! Oh my, the snoring! Michelle throws an elbow, now a shove! And she's leaving for the couch, taking her place as the Hayes' 100-pound lab. Bask in that dog breath, Steve.

With all this struggle, Steve should get inspired. Absolutely, Bruce. Inspire is a sleep apnea treatment that gives you comfortable, restful sleep with the click of a remote. That's right, a button. As you sleep, Inspire keeps you breathing normally and sleeping peacefully. There's no mask and no hose. Just sleep. Learn more at Inspiresleep.com. That's Inspiresleep.com. Inspire. Sleep apnea. Innovation. Inspire is not for everyone. Talk to your doctor to see if it's right for you and review important safety information at Inspiresleep.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne.

It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And... Just checking in on you. Just checking in to see how your work week is going. I am here in Boston. I'm going to get ready to do the fucking Cam Neely Dennis Leary. Benefit on Saturday at the Boston Garden, the TD North Bank Garden, whatever the fuck they call it. How about your Boston Bruins? They're just on a tear, even though they lost a close one to the hated Habs.

That's good for the Frenchies up there, right? They get to cry into their little fucking pocket squared hankies. I love the way we're playing, man. Playing incredible. And I have had barely had any time to watch, but I check out the highlights and I can't hear myself for some reason. I don't know why. Do I need to push this button here? Is that what it is? Oh, there it is. Oh, I need a new speaker. Why? So anyway, I haven't, you know, I moved away from here so goddamn long ago that like I am having difficulty a few times understanding the Boston accent.

Which is really upsetting to me because this is where I'm from. I actually did a couple of shows that laugh Boston out on the pier. It used to be where Anthony's Pier 4 was way out there, you know, drive out to this great Italian restaurant. It was like one of the greatest Italian restaurants in the country. And but you kind of took your life in your hands going out there because it was kind of shady out there. Out there in the wharf, but now it's all built up out there. Like everything's all built up now. So I went down there this was Thursday.

I went down there Tuesday night to a quick 15 minutes set. And the club owner says to me goes, Hey, Bill, Jube over here. And I was like, what? Jube over here. I had to like process it. Oh, he's saying, did you Uber over here? Jube over here. Yes, I will be over here. Jube over here.

Hey, Bill. Hey, Barb, you fucking Uber over here. You fucking Uber over here. Yes, I did. I did Uber over here. So that kind of surprised me. It's the first time in a long time, I think ever that I haven't been able to understand. I think it's because Uber has happened since I left.

So I haven't heard Uber. I always knew. Jeet, no, Jube. That was did you eat? No, did you? I remember my vocab improvement teacher in high school. That's how he started. Jeet, no, Jube saying how we need to learn to pronounce our words more.

So I knew that Jew was did you, you know, most places, it's the beginning of something anti-Semitic, but here that is did you Jew Uber over here, Jube over here. I learned a new one. So anyway, the first night I went up and the crowd was like a bunch of teachers, I think because the headliner was a teacher, right? And I got to tell you, I did 15 minutes. And when I tell you that I ate my balls for 15 minutes, I'm not, I'm not joking. It was straight up just, I mean, I had, you know, making fun of myself and all of that

shit throughout it, but Jesus fucking Christ. The way comedy has changed. I don't know. I feel like I'm up there playing like disco music in like the 90s. Well, the 90s, it was actually kind of cool and retro in the 80s. Like, I don't even know. Like people just fucking stare at me. You know, I kind of went up there trash and white women in the beginning so I didn't get

them on my side. Then I did the lesbian story. They kind of liked that. And then I did the abortion thing and the Jesus Christ just fucking ate my balls, but I was having a good time. There's just like pockets of people laughing at me now, I feel. And I just feed off of them. And when I watch them laughing, they're trying to suppress it.

It doesn't make any sense to me. It's like, you think it's funny. Could you help me out here and let it out? You know, so, but this is a very caring time. Everybody cares, you know, it's such bullshit. Did you see that fucking lady on ABC? When she had the hot mic, as they kept saying, and she was talking about that fucking Epstein guy going, we had this story three years ago.

We had all evidence. We had photos. We had film. We had this lady. We said we were going to protect her and all of that shit. And ABC douched that fucking story because they want, they didn't want to fuck up their interview with Prince Harry and his actress fucking wife. So they walk away from a story about underage children being underage children that's redundant.

Underage kids being fucking sexually assaulted, raped and everything on this fucking island by all these fucking rich guys. And then she just, and she fucking backs the whole, in old times she was bitching. She goes, oh, it drives me crazy. I thought that she was bitching more that she didn't get the story. She didn't get the scoop, as they say in that business. Not that they were actually kids having this horrible stuff done to them. And then she fucking backs off the whole thing going, that was a private moment of frustration.

Oh, you mean the part where you said you had evidence about all of these fucking super rich people banging kids? That was a private moment of frustration and then it just all goes away. All these years you guys talking to me about how I got a tinfoil hat on and I talked conspiracy and all of this shit, you fucking explain this one to me. Where a news anchor says what the fuck she says and that is it. No investigation, no nothing. Do you think if she said that about you or me or anybody else?

If she fucking said that shit in her private moment of frustration, the feds would be descending on that fucking news agency, they'd get all the evidence, they'd find out who that witness was and then they'd go to your house and you'd be cuffed. As opposed to her just going, well, that was just a private moment of frustration. Can you fucking believe? I mean, talk about a fucking sellout. It's all about money. At the end of the day, it's all about money.

Those guys who were doing that fucking horrific shit and they were making so much fucking money that everybody looks the other way and that woman there, the news lady, she doesn't want to lose her fucking job. So now she's just going to be like, yeah, that was just, you know, I was a little frustrated that day so I was talking crazy, unfucking believable. That fucking thing, and this is what kills me too, is it trended on Twitter for maybe a day and now it's gone. I don't fucking get it, you know what I mean?

But if you're trying to get on a sketch show, that shit lasts for a fucking week and somebody's pissed at you. Or you're a stand-up comic or a fucking actor, you know, it's time to vet those people. But super rich people on fucking rape island, kid rape island, that's fine. This, yeah, that'll trend for like a day and then that'll be it. Oh, the hypocrisy. Shouldn't somebody be investigating that? You had what story?

What evidence do you have? Who is this witness? Possibly we should follow up. Who were the people at ABC that squashed this story? I don't know. I don't know. I don't pretend to know. I don't fucking understand it.

I don't understand. You will be. You will be. So, anyways, I'm psyched. So last night I went back to Laugh Boston. I did a full show, did an hour of my bullshit in front of my crowd and then all of a sudden I was funny again. I had a great time last night.

I wish I recorded some of that shit because I said a lot of shit that I don't remember what I said, but I remember it was really funny. So I've been having a good time. The whole fucking Boston comedy scene, I don't even know where it is. It still exists. I just don't know where it is. So that's been like the thing all this week, trying to find it. And I felt really fortunate that when I started out, there was Nick's comedy stop and there

was the comedy connection at Fanuel Hall and then Dick Doherty had all of these satellite rooms and all of that shit. And so thank God Laugh Boston is doing the work of the old connection and Nick's comedy stop. It's great. It's really weird. It's really weird. This was always an amazing, amazing place for stand-up.

And the people here, just going around town, talking to people, there is funny as ever and I don't know. So go out to Laugh Boston, support the Boston stand-up scene. Fucking great club, man. It's a great club in what used to be a bad location is now a nice location. The whole thing, I used to go to Emerson College way back in the day and Emerson has moved up the street into where the combat zone used to be where all the hookers and the drug dealers and all of that shit and it's weird.

I don't even recognize it anymore, but it's a good thing. I don't know where all those prostitutes went. You know, I'm surprised the news didn't interview them when they talked about gentrification. Wait tonight, where will the whores go? I've been sucking dick on this block for like, I don't know, like 17 years and I feel like I got at least another seven in me. I just, just, John's just all disappeared. People walking around carrying books.

So anyway, yeah, that's been my deal and I've just been trying not to fucking eat poorly. But let's talk a little bit of sports here. The, your fucking Boston Bruins had a wild one against the Pittsburgh Penguins. I got to work a little bit of the first and then some of the second period and I missed the third period where we scored like four goals. It's incredible. The amount of goal scoring and just how we haven't had this hangover or anything like that.

I'm just hoping we got a couple of tough guys on there cause you know, we owe the St. Louis Blues a lot. We owe them like we need to run their goalie for seven fucking games and sucker punch people and then wink to the guys on the bench. Oh, I will never fucking get over that shit. I will never get over that, that fucking, that style of play that I love that they just fucking, they, they douched out of the whole league and then all of a sudden it's like, but this year we'll let the Blues play it in the playoffs and they let one of the shittiest

fucking teams in a long time win a Stanley Cup. You know, be one thing if everybody had a tough guy and it was a fucking level playing field. Those fucking assholes penalized us out of our own goddamn game for fucking 10 years and then we show up with a knife to a gunfight. Yeah, I never fucking get over that shit. But congratulations to all the long suffering St. Louis Blues fans. I'd never take that away from you.

Jesus Christ. They had one line in a fucking half ass goalie. Unbelievable. Anyway, plowing ahead here, I'm going to be doing some more stand up probably tomorrow night up on route one at giggles. My old pal Wayne Pravity and I don't know, I'm really, I don't know, I'm having a fucking great time back here. I do, I still have not gotten over to the fucking TD Bank, North Gatton to for all my

nieces and nephews to buy all the fucking, you know, Bruin Celtic shit, then I got to go out to Foxboro and get the Patriots shit. It's just trying to get everybody to give you their fucking sizes has kind of been taken forever. So I got to admit though, you know, after sitting there bitching that there was no fucking fish left, they were saying 90% of all species of fish were gone and then I was just, I was done eating fish, except unless it was manmade salmon. I'm not going to lie to you, I did go to a Chinese restaurant and I got some crab rangou.

I didn't order it. My wife ordered it and I had a couple pieces of that and I was just like, now 91% of crab is gone. Can I ask you a question? How the fuck is sushi still legal? You know what I mean? Everybody flips out, you can't club a baby seal, but all the fucking fish are gone and you can still go down and get just fucking to your hearts.

All you can eat sushi still fucking exists. You know, there's not all you can eat Siberian tiger, right? You can't eat polar bears, can you? Maybe if you're an indigenous person, because it's part of your culture, they allow you to do it. You know, shark fin soup, all of that shit, everybody's saying stop doing that. You know, you can't get koala bear sliders, but you can fucking get as much sushi as you fucking want, because everybody's trying to get abs.

You know, I think a lot of that fish fucking died because they committed suicide after they swam by that fucking kid rape island that they're not going to do a fucking thing about. Unbelievable. Unfucking believable. What the shit you can get away with when you got a little bit of loot? Well, if we expose this ring of pedophiles, we won't get to do an interview with the prince and princess. You know, there you go, ladies, huh?

You still like to watch your dumb TV? There you go. That's what that gets you. They don't go after pedophiles, because you guys are keeping up with the Kardashians. Yes, I just made that leap. Oh, look at this, so he just texted me, just read that Trump will be at the LSU Alabama game. Bama released his letters stating, hold on, let's see what's going on here.

Dude, Donald Trump, he's like a wrestler, how polarizing this fucking guy is. Unengaging and disruptive behavior will be removed for the remainder of the season. This guy is a fucking lunatic, man. Did you see that? I guess a couple of years ago, some chick on a bicycle gave the finger to his motorcade and then she ended up getting fired. How fucking funny is that? It's like fired for what?

You were on your own time. I'm assuming you were on your own bicycle. Isn't that part of this country? That's what's great. Back in the day, you couldn't give a finger to a fucking Hitler. You couldn't give the finger to fucking Stalin. They'd pull over and they'd saw it off and shove it up your ass. That would be it.

I thought that that's what made this country great, is you could fucking give the head guy, yeah, go fuck yourself, and then they're like, afraid of a speech. I like that you're exercising it. I'll look into that, see you in four years, right? The fucking politician thing. Not with this regime. She ended up getting fired. How the fuck did that go down?

So then she gets fired and now she's running for office, and of course she gets fucking elected because this guy is so polarizing. Not because she's necessarily going to do a good fucking job. I think it's because she's a lady and she was wrong, did the did. She was wronged. Unlike those kids on that fucking kid rape island, evidently that's fine, evidently nothing to see there. That was just a moment, a private moment of frustration.

Actually, you know what, I believe her because when I watched that first thing, I believed that she was frustrated that she didn't get the exclusive. She's like, oh, it's so frustrating. The emotion wasn't there. She should have been like, kids, we're getting raped and we had evidence and they didn't do anything. I mean, what am I working for here? Who are these people?

It wasn't that. She was just like, oh, I had it and they just, they just wouldn't fucking show it because they wanted to interview Prince Harry and the fucking her. Jesus Christ. I'll say, why can't everybody just be perfect like me? Okay. Let's do some reads here. Simply safe.

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I'm rooting for that guy, man. I hope he has a good heart. I hope he's doing something. You know what I mean? I'd love to hear what he thinks about that fucking pedophile island over there. Well, you know, there's two sides to every story. You know, if you can see both sides of neo-nazis, I mean, you know. Well, I mean, everybody has, you know, their version of the fender bender.

Um, he was not sea hiling. He had, he was cracking his elbow. Oh, Donald, uh, Google news. Here we go. Who do you got? You know, I'm so excited for this fucking LSU Alabama game. This is the best shot LSU has had, um, probably since fucking Nick Saban was been there. Hate to say it since he was coaching LSU last time they played Alabama.

I would say, let's actually look it up, man. Let's take a look here. Let's take a look. See, that's when that's what a teacher says in a class. You fucking hate open your books and let's take a look. See the chapter eight and let's just get more into this subject that you have no interest in whatsoever. All right.

Last time LSU beat Alabama comes right up. Well, it wasn't fucking last year, 29, nothing they lost. When was the last, when is the last time LSU beat Alabama in football? Uh, why can't they just answer the question? The LSU versus Alabama football game Saturday renewed one of the most, shut the fuck up. Uh, that, okay. All right. Where are we?

Okay. The last time LSU beat Alabama in football was the 2011 regular season that year. The Tigers topped the Crimson Tide in the regular season on November 5th by score by a score of nine to six. Both teams qualified for the BCS national championship game and Alabama won the rematch 21, nothing. So they won the one that counted LSU finished the season 13 to one under coach Lesmond. Under coach Les Miles, that grass eating crazy, some bitch.

Alabama ended as the champion with the 12 and one mark under coach Nick Saban. All right. Well, so we have not beat them in eight straight fucking regular season games and I think it's time for a change. Um, I don't know. They got the fucking quarterback. They got the defense. They got everything going about Alabama is just fucking so fucking.

They're so fast. They don't look like a college goddamn team, but how great would that be though for them to go into Alabama with all those arrogant people from Alabama, just sitting there looking down on Mississippi, ignoring the Jeers from Georgia. That's how it works. East to West Georgia looks down on Alabama. Alabama looks down on Mississippi and everybody fucks whores in New Orleans. That is the South.

Okay. Any Europeans listening to this? If you're on your way over here and you want to know, you know, if you want to go to the smartest state along the Redneck Riviera, you go to Georgia. This is according to Southern people. Okay. And then Alabama, you know, that's if you got some feelings for someone who might be a little too closely related to you.

You're going a little great balls of fire there. Right. And then if you're just like, I don't know, inbred, you're in Mississippi. Now, these are not my beliefs, people. These are just things that were told to me by Southerners about their own people. Okay. And this is why we won the civil war because there's so much infighting amongst the states. Right.

The reality is, is a true Southerner knows he's not as smart as a Yankee. He just knows that, you know, they might have been back in the day, but after they lost the war, all the good books went up north. Okay. And then they got the bad books. So it's not that they're dumb. It's that they lost the civil war and they know that that was the big turning point for them, which is why to this day, they still say things like the South is going to rise

again and blah, blah, blah, because they, they want like a rematch and the North has been like Floyd Mayweather in the last fucking half of his career where he wouldn't fight anybody, you know, so we don't want that rematch. We already kicked your ass. We just had, we're moving on. We're done. We took, unplugged the fucking PlayStation and we went home and they're still sitting there and their fucking parents finished basement waiting for a rematch that is never

going to happen. It's just not happening, you know? So I guess, you know, if you're an American and you want to be smart, you got to get above the Mason-Dixon line, okay? And all you need to do is listen to this podcast to hear the far superior public education that I got while I was up north. You can hear it in the way, in my ideas, you can hear it in the way I read out loud. You know, the way that I think I can sing, right?

All right, let's, let's start some shit here. What do you think is the dumbest state in the U.S.? I want, I want your submissions. Okay. And you can't just name a fucking state because their team always kicks your ass, all right? I want reasons, okay? I need three good reasons that whatever state you're nominating is the dumbest fucking state in the union.

All right? I'll go first. Let me see. Let me just see here. Dumbest fucking state. Well, I want to say California because I live there. So right there, that's a strike against them. I would say the craziest fucking like what is going on, what is in the water part of

the country that I've ever been in was Western Pennsylvania. You know, I'm not talking Pittsburgh, you get outside of Pittsburgh and you go north and you could shoot fucking deliverance up there. I don't know what the fuck is going on. There's just a couple of places where I got out of my car. I mean, I went into a Wendy's and there was a black chick behind the fucking register wearing rouge and I was just like, what the fuck, you know, that was the first off that these people were a little off.

And then I remember one time I was driving from, where the fuck was I going? Jesus Christ. I think I had done Bob and Tom and then I was driving south. Was I driving over to Nashville or was I going down to Atlanta? I was in either the southern, I think the southern part of Kentucky or the southern part of Tennessee. And I got out of the fucking car at this gas station. First of all, gas was like $1.30 because nobody had any fucking money. It was fucking something like that.

It was nuts and just like, like Southerners that would offend Southerners if they were in a Hollywood movie going like, we ain't lack that like fucking walking around with big gulps and fucking no teeth and shit. They just like go and like, wow, what the fuck? There's a pivotal point that you get when you get in the middle of fucking nowhere where you're between two major cities that have jobs and books, but these people live just past the gravitational pull of either city and they're just out there floating and decades go by and nothing is done for these people and they just, they just sort of slip off

into their own fucking deal. It's fascinating. It's really fascinating. So I don't really have, I don't have a particular state. Come on Bill, you're starting the fucking game. You got to pick a state. Let me see here. Problem is I met a lot of nice people out there.

All right, I'm going to go Pennsylvania. I'm going to go Pennsylvania because of Western Pennsylvania and the caricature that Philly fans have become where now they just do crazy shit because they're supposed to do crazy shit. It's like watching Buffalo Bill fans. It's like, oh, we break tables. Okay. Now, how do we take this to the next level so I can be the guy who gets Instagram hits?

My most respect is for West Coast fans because they will actually take a jail sentence and kill you. Why am I starting shit? Because it's fun. All right, then for Europe you have to go most arrogant country. What country? I don't, you know what? They're so fucked up over there.

I don't want to start. I don't want to get them going again. Because you can feel it's starting again. It actually made me feel like, you know, one world bank might not be a bad thing just because these fucking people would then have a common enemy, you know? It's kind of like the Eastern Bloc when Russia was controlling all of Eastern Europe. They had a common enemy and they kind of squashed all their shit. And then when Russia left or collapsed, whatever the fuck you want to say, then all of those

fights, the Bosnian Serbs, Croatians and all of that shit just picked right back. I'd never heard. No one had ever heard of it. It picked up. They were just like, and where were we? And they went right back the fucking, yeah, Europe's a tough place, man. There's just too many tribes. There's tribal over there.

And they're two fucking close together because they was fucking and building up their tribes back before any sort of crazy public transportation. So back in the day, Poland was way the fuck away from Germany. You never went there your whole fucking life. And now you can get in, you know, on the Autobahn, right? You get on there, drive like a fucking zillion meters a mile, whatever, an hour, whatever the fuck they call it over there. And you're in Poland.

Then they got all this back fucking history with each other, backtrace it, and they give each other shit. You know, it's all starting up again, you know. And meanwhile, people are going to this fucking island banging kids and they had the whole story and nobody seems to give a shit during the, the Me Too movement. Well, that was on an island and nobody who did it had a television show. So it's not interesting to the Me Too movement. It's not something that is on our radar.

Hey, somebody just is going to be a puppeteer on a puppet show. Let's vet him. Let's find out what kind of a fucking person he is before he puts his toxic fucking hand up that puppet's non-existent asshole. All right, that's the podcast here, everybody. Any aspiring fucking creeps out there, you need to get your own island, evidently, and get some rich friends to come over there and participate in whatever the fuck it is you're doing and the whole thing will go away.

Enjoy the music. Enjoy your weekend, your cunts. And here's and after the music, there will be another bonus Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. All right, let's go LSU. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, November 7th, 2011. How the hell are you guys?

Um, yeah, do you have a great week? Well, that's that's fascinating. Um, actually had a brutal day yesterday of watching football and, um, I have a big time guest this week, so I won't really get into it. I'm just going to throw this out here and I want to hear your guys responses over the week. I believe personally if Dan Marino still played in the league, he would throw for fucking 6,000 yards.

All right, I've had it. You can't even cover fucking receivers. I saw it during the Ravens game and all that type, but I'm not bitching about the Patriots at all. Congratulations to the Giants. The Patriots defense is even worse than last year. And at this point, I think the Jets are going to win the division. I think they beat us next week and, uh, I don't know, there's only so far throwing the football

could get you if you can't stop it on the other rent. So that's it. All right. So anyways, this is the podcast for this week as mentioned, um, very special guest here to hype his brand new show. Uh, good friend of mine, I toured with him earlier this year. I believe he called in on the podcast, welcoming him and him back, can't even say it, welcoming him back.

Please welcome Mr. David tell everybody, Billy, thanks for having me. Um, thank you for being here, David. It's an honor to be here on the Monday morning podcast, even though it's the afternoon right now. You basically, uh, that's the fucking email I get every week. Why don't you call it the fucking two? Why don't you go fuck yourself? I had a rough time not saying to you.

I'm talking about the listeners. Why don't you call it some time Monday podcast? Because for the most part, I get it, I get it up on Monday morning. How about that for the most part? Well, it's, uh, Bill, uh, does this like, is this your studio or is this like just like one of your many safe houses that you use to do this underground podcast? This is one of my safe houses. Whenever I do a, uh, when I actually have a guest in, I actually come here because it's

going to actually sound like a radio show as opposed to, uh, my little gadgetry that I bought at guitar center, which is really, really, it's really been on the fritz lately and, uh, people don't give a fuck when it's just me, you know, I don't know if you looked at my IMDB page, Dave, I'm more, I'm at the premium blend level. You know what I'm saying? No, dude, you're, you're so under, underselling yourself because I think on IMDB, you went up, you went up past Scott Baccala right now because of the breaking bad, dude, every white guy's fantasy.

I've never been jealous of anybody acting because I think acting is a little fruity. But when you were on that show, which is my favorite show, I was like, yes, that's great. Oh, very nice. Very nice. And my acting, you didn't think was fruity on that? Not at all. No, that show is pure. Can I curse on your?

Yeah, absolutely. That's pure fucking man. That show. You didn't think my, my beard was trimmed just a little too well? Well, I didn't, I don't have, uh, HD. I didn't look at you. I didn't look at that well, but you knew your lines and they were pretty, uh, they were pretty complicated.

And he has been giving me shit lately saying that I look like the gay guy on modern family. Oh yeah. Now you ruined it for me, but that's the coolest show and I know they do it in Albuquerque and put it back. Oh yeah. You know, you know, I, I never had been to New Mexico and, uh, I went out there was absolutely, you know, at the risk of, uh, you know, just getting a little gay here considering we're a couple of guys, um, it was absolutely gorgeous state.

You can literally see the weather change and coming in, uh, was crazy. No country for old men is one of my favorite movies. They did that. They did that there. They actually, and of course I didn't realize that until I left and, uh, you know, a lot of that stuff that they shot where Josh Brolin gets killed in the end spoiler alert, I should have said they actually shot that right down the street, uh, at least the, the exterior of it.

And I'm like one of those total fucking nerds where I like, I like to drive over to where they shot something. Oh yeah. And I like to get sad when I find out the place where, you know, in reservoir dogs, you know, the morgue where they shot that doesn't exist anymore when I find out as a fucking home depot actually gets sad, you know, like I was on the shoot or something. Well, that's your kink, I guess, but I'll tell you, I did Albuquerque a couple of times and I shot the insomniac show a long time ago.

We did Albuquerque and, uh, back then the town was like, I guess, you know, it was really kind of like a underground, kind of like off the map kind of town. And we went to a strip club and then we went back because there was nothing else open. And then it was, it was like, you left the strip club and then we're back. Yeah. Then we had to go back because there was like nothing else to do. And then the best part was like, even the strippers like would strip and then they would like just like change and then they would go back to the strip club.

There was like nothing else. They needed like a Denny's. I think this was before they needed someplace to go. It hasn't for a lap dance. Then I'm off. Yeah. It's like I'm just hanging out. Like a union worker.

Yeah. It was, it was a, you know, kind of a family kind of feel to it, but you know, we got the job done. But I really was so excited to see you on that, um, on that thing because I remember when we were on tour doing the anti social network. Yeah. You said you had just shot those things, the, uh, breaking bats. So yeah, I had done, I did one in February, the one outside the car wash and then the

one where I got to act like I was actually a tough guy and knew how to fight. I did that one, shot that one in May and it was cool. Got to work with LaVelle Crawford. So it's a bunch of comments. Oh yeah. Yeah. A lot of comics are on that show. And before we get too far into this, I do, I do want, I do want to hype, uh, what we,

what you got going on here. You have a brand new show called on showtime called Dave's old porn, which debuted about a week ago. Um, no bill. Two weeks ago. Let's see. We're about three weeks in and, uh, it's been going great. It's yes.

For a premium cable. It's a hit. That's awesome. And, uh, a lot of people who, uh, are into retro porn because it's mostly about the hairy 70s, early 80s porn of yesteryear before Twitter. I've said this a million times, but before the, uh, web and all that kind of stuff, you know, old VCR, top loading, you know, Dave's old porn. So what, just, I mean, just to let the listeners at home, Dave, just to, to, uh, paint a picture

for them. What exactly, uh, tell us about the show without spoiling basically what goes on. Well, uh, it's kind of the mystery science theater of porn where I bring out comics like this week, this Thursday at 1130 on showtime, Bill Burr himself will be there and we will be sampling jumping from clip to clip through Nina Hartley, who is probably one of the greatest living legends of porn, Nina Hartley, uh, delight, super cool lady. And we watch your clips. Did you have fun watching her stuff?

Yeah. I was, um, I was absolutely, uh, starstruck that she showed up. Yeah. Yeah. You can believe it. I sat on a couch as me, Nina and Dave watching, uh, and literally watching old porn and sitting there commenting on it. And, uh, I thought she was cool as hell.

I was really, uh, like definitely, I don't know how to like just, she, I don't know, porn stars. They just don't judge anything when you've just gone through all of that stuff that they've done. They just kind of like, Hey, you know, whatever. Cause I freaked out at one point you had, uh, you don't give it away. I know. I'm not, I'm just, we'll be posting a little bit of that clip this week on Dave's old porn

dot com. Do you want a little teaser there, Dave? What I realized is that like, um, first of all, watching porn with women is different than watching porn with dudes. Like, you know, sausage fest, bachelor party, you know, watch a couple of stag films, get drunk. Everybody with their legs crossed. Yeah.

Exactly. Exactly. But, uh, we brought out some of the funniest ladies to ladies, uh, Whitney Cummings, Chelsea Handler, Margaret Cho, and, uh, it's cool watching with a woman because they get the woman's perspective on, uh, sex and porn and on the whole thing. And they like it, but they don't like it like we like it. You know, Right.

That actually, that immediately was fascinating to me. What, what did you find was different? Well, uh, they definitely do not like double penetration, anal, donkey punch, uh, anything that you, uh, any kind of, any kind of jizz, uh, you know, jizz, uh, what you call facials and money shots. All that stuff is really not in their bucket list of, uh, I hope one day to do this with my Prince Charming. I think it all depends on, I think for most women that is like that, but then every once

in a while you'll meet a real thoroughbred and, uh, they'll actually be relating to it the way you do, um, I actually, I actually saw, I was, uh, messing out this girl a long time ago and I watched one of those max hardcore's. Yes. I love that guy. And, uh, yeah. And they were, and I remember saying to her like, uh, yeah, you're not going to want my porn.

I'm watching at this point is really twisted. You don't want to watch this shit. And she says like, no, no, I can't put it on. So I put it on and, and she was actually, uh, I actually got self conscious. I shut it off and I was like, I can't watch this with you. Yeah. You feel bad now. And then she was just like, what?

She, you know, she, what did she say? She said she wanted it is the way she said it, which was just the classic accused line. And, uh, I had a lot of fun with that girl, Dave. Oh, good for you. I really did. I really did. You're an unassuming type. So I never even thought you liked porn because I think, because some of it, I, I don't think

you really understood what we were doing, but then I think once you got into it, you really like, you know, dug in and I liked that because at first we were watching this movie that Nina made with Tracy Adams, who's another legend of porn called the ultimate lover with Eric Edwards. And it's kind of a Frankenstein-esque film and we try and jump through the whole film and it was really difficult. Wasn't it? To watch an entire movie.

Yeah. I mean, like you never do that in real life. Watch a whole porn from beginning to end. You just go right to the point. Yeah. Exactly. Fast forward or whatever. You know, the phone rings or your boss walks in, it's over.

You know? Well, you know what about, I got this weird, I think it's, it's the being raised Catholic thing. Yeah. It's like, as crass as I am on, on this podcast, all the shit that I say in the some of the stuff I talk about on stage, you know, I curse a lot, but I do stay away from sex for some reason. You're a good guy.

I can say cunt on stage. I can do all that type. I trash women, misogynistic stuff, if arguably, I don't think so. I like to think I have a point. But, but for some reason, when I, if I talk about sex on stage, I'm always really self-conscious and I feel like I'm being crass. I don't, I don't know why and I'm not judging someone who talks about sex as just personally I think it has to do with that, that sort of upbringing.

So probably the episode I did with you though, that was the initial, you know, going out. God, I'm talking about this. This is on TV because I had no idea what the show was. Yeah. I was hoping. How hardcore you were going to do it or the way you guys were going to edit around stuff, which I saw a clip, which is fucking genius, by the way. Oh, thank you.

It's really funny. And we floating on the couch. Hey, Bill. Come on, man. You're three weeks in. Oh, you're right. You're right. George Lucas.

We're working with an actual comedian and a human being and not having me digitally put in there. Oh, yeah, exactly. Well, let me tell you something. It rocked out because we had the, we had great comics like you and Jim Norton and Adam Corolla and, of course, the late. Has Norton's aired yet? No, not yet, but Norton to porn is like, he's the soccer joey.

He could find a three way, he could find the three way at a church picnic. I mean, he is the best. I mean, he really like gets into it. We have these great closeups of him, but I could see for yourself how it was a little bit like a great analyst on ESPN, except for this porn. That's why I want to watch. That's why I was asking when is Jim's like, I got Jim's is coming out. He's towards the end of the run.

But right now, uh, last week's show for those who did watch, and I think your crowd kind of would dig this. Like the people listen to his podcast. Absolutely. Dave's old porn. Well known, uh, was, uh, the young porn stars, Belladonna, Christina Rose, Bobby Starr, watching the old retro Harry porn. And you'll never believe this bill, but, uh, they found the quaint.

They were like, look at this. This is adorable. The hair they didn't really dig, but they like hair a little bit, but, but the sex they were like, look how adorable they're cuddling and kissing. They don't do that in today's porn. It's really like, like you said it in the show, I'm not going to give it away, but it's like a workout. It's like, like a P90X video.

It's like fucking hardcore and extreme. So am I talking too much? No, no, not at all, but I don't possible on a podcast to talk too much. Not at all. Okay. I've been doing 15 minutes in and I've yet to go. So Dave, what is the inspiration for your material? Did you always want to, what were some of the jobs you had before?

I don't think we've said this yet, Thursday, uh, 1130 on showtime, uh, Dave's old porn, the new hit show. Yeah. Uh, well it's a hit. It's, uh, doing really well. It's right after a gigalos, which is about, uh, a couple of male escorts. Great lead. So there you go.

Got a great lead. It's the late night block. And then the Twitter account is at old porn and the, the, the letter O when porn is actually not the letter O, it's, it's the, it's zero. Yeah. Number zero. Cause that's Twitter. But let me tell you this, Bill.

If they go to the Dave's old porn.com website, they'll be able to see pictures and clips of upcoming shows. Your show will be this Thursday and other stuff that we, uh, have, uh, shot. So, but, um, it's really, uh, it's when you say like, how did I come up with the idea? It's like, I've been working on this idea for like four years. I think I've told this to you like three or four times, drunkenly, whatever. So we shot this like a year ago, didn't we? Yeah, I, I shot some, yeah, we shot this last summer and it took so long to edit cause

it's all about post-production you saw. Right. And, uh, but besides that, like I've been working on it for years and years and, uh, I came up with the idea. It was co-created by a Stuart B. I don't use his last name cause he is in television, but Stuart Bailey and, uh, he, uh, he's helped, you know, helped me shape and guide it and like, uh, show time is the best place for it. Cause you know, we're allowed to show everything up to penetration.

So everything is not great. Yeah. And I thought when I was, and there's always the one guy who's like, where's the penetration? It's like, I'm with you, dude. I'm totally with this guy. It's like, I, I feel like I cannot save this man. You know, it's like, I love porn.

So what can I do? But what you're doing is you're kind of doing it the way they do movie trailers right now, when they show a movie trailer, they show the entire movie, except for the, basically the conclusion of the third act. They show you right up until how the hero solves it. And I think that that's what you're doing with porn. Because if you actually show the penetration, then there's, there's no point. You want people to laugh.

You know, when people rubbing one out as they're watching it, right? I'd like a, I'd like a little of both. I'd like people to go like, you know, that was funny and now I'm hard. What do I do? You know, like that kind of a thing. And the dog runs out of the room, you know, something. Is this how you pitched the show when you came in? I'm a great pitcher, Bill.

You never give me credit for this, but I'm a great pitcher. Even on the anti-social, so we were both talking about ideas. Do you remember that, that one time when we ran into each other, where it was for a pilot, right? And you got the pilot, remember? It was like pushing the guy through the wheelchair with the wheelchair. Oh yeah. Yeah.

And I was reading this when I was like, this is a really funny show. And then like, I see you there. I'm like, Oh, this guy is the guy to do it. And I think you got that, that show. You're a good actor. That's what I'm trying to say. I don't know. I think, I think I'm a good actor.

If somebody gives me a chance to, I'm not the greatest auditioner. All right. Miss, stop crying. Auditioner. You're not the greatest auditioner. Are you, are you a trained actor? Or are you just like, just from growing up in Boston? Everybody's like, either I just took acting classes from, uh, that's funny.

Or a boxer, this three jobs in Boston, bank robber, uh, unappreciated boxer. And then, of course, actor. Ben Affleck, I think is made out to two of those three movies. What a heart on you. Miss, I got watching that here in that Southeast accent. Sweet horse, which is, it's, it's getting a little, uh, it's getting a little cartoonish at this point. I don't know if it's that it's just that when, when you say, like for years,

people ask me, where am I from? And I would always say Boston because I wouldn't say the suburb I'm from because then it becomes like a way like, you know, the suburb, nobody knows. It just, I'm just trying to get through that part of the conversation. But then after like the Goodwill hunting's and all that, if you say you're from Boston, people are like, Southie, he from Southie. Then you got to be like, no, I. So what I always say now is I am from the safe suburbs of South Boston.

That's what I say. But even then, if you say Boston, they go, did you know someone who robbed a bank and then you kept your mouth shut? You know, can you get me a pistol? You know, um, you know what's funny is I drank in a lot of those areas and I never saw any of that going on. Um, I read that book, Southie, and I was like, wow, that's crazy. And I would ask Greg Fitzsimmons, who's also from Boston.

Oh, he's from upstate New York. Is he? He wants to, but he kind of grew up, you know, Maddie would be, if I said upstate New York, he, he, he bristles. All right. Well, he was on, he's on my show too. All right. So he's on, he did a great job also.

But I wanted to say, uh, that Boston definitely has like the comics, like, you know, Louis CK, Nick DiPallo, and these are just the young guys. And then they have like that whole generation of like, you know, Stephen Wright and all those guys are from Long Island. We got like Seinfeld, Kevin James, Jiffy Jeff, Jiffy. I know it goes really quickly into comedy hypnotism. But no, there's a couple of Eddie Murphy, of course. We've got, we, we've got some pretty good guys.

Yeah. No, Long Island's got a bunch of guys, or the whole like New York area, but. Well, but you know, Long Island comics were different. Oh, there's another bad question I could have asked you. Dave, I mean, you're just part of this long lineage of Canadians that's just come out of Long Island. Well, was there something in the water? I mean, talk about what was it like?

Lydia, we never drank water. Seltzer, you see, we're Jews and, uh, I mean, literally the podcast level went down. Jews, I fucking hate, uh, no, no, I don't, I don't have a problem with them. Um, every once in a while though, you'll meet one and you're like, that's how it happened. That's how it happened. Not fucking around.

Um, you were in an Irvine this weekend. I was like, any Jews here? None. Any Persians? A lot. Dude, how about the fucking plastic surgery down there? Is that out of control? Oh, there's some really hot chicks up there.

I mean, that was the filthiest show I've done in a long time. Let me tell you the lineup bill. Okay. It was me, Yoshi, you know, Yoshi, right? Very, very funny guy, Asian. Oh, I met him in Vegas. Yeah. Yeah.

Yoshi. Um, this kid, uh, Chris Neff, uh, Jason, um, from Canada. Do you know him? He's very dirty too. His name is very funny guy. Jason, uh, Jason's color or a scholar. So it's a very, very funny guy. Really, really funny guy.

I'm sorry. There was so many openers, I'm saying, and Sean Rouse, who's probably one of the filthiest, um, um, uh, what you guys with rheumatoid arthritis. He's very sad. So like you look at the set character, but yet he's filthy, dirty. And then, um, uh, the girls too were pretty, uh, you know, uh, filthy too. Rosie and Jen. And how did the crowd take it?

They loved it. By the time I got up there, I was like, uh, you know, like, like Will Rogers. You know, there was like not one pussy joke left. I was talking about taint for like 40 minutes. They're making balloon out animals. Yeah. That was really, it was, it's, it's like one of those things. Like I understand it's really hard to like have, uh, you know, to find a comic

that'll have filthy comedy with him because like all these, you know, crowds are so PC now that like my crowd is cool and they dig it, but it really was like too many, too many animals on the arc, if you ask me, you know, we needed definitely one guy to like break it up with. Yeah, but they got to love when you come to town. Not only do you have one of the best acts ever, of course. And I know you hate taking compliments. No, dude, man, I'm really, I'm really, oh, Jesus.

You're the light of the comedy guys were great. I, I trouble following them, but you, uh, you know, you also sell a bunch of tickets and then they drink a lot. That's like, that is the, uh, that right there is the trifecta. That's true. We love listening to his act. A bunch of people show up and they, they empty the bar. They are great drunks to my crowd.

They are like professional drunks. So back in the day when they were all like truckers and, you know, like just like crazy nomad type people. Now they're like adults with their wives and whatever. It's weird to see them, but they've, they've, they've aged nicely. I'd say I'm headed to Phoenix to that new club. Do you know this place? Oh, is that the one that, what's his face?

Uh, Dan opened up. Yeah. I think so. It's, it's not the improv, but the other one, the Phoenix store, um, club, something like that. But it's in Phoenix that day when people, people are listening after you watch Dave's old porn, 1130 on showtime, Thursday night. Um, where, where can they, what, uh, what weekend are you going to be out there?

Net this weekend. So what is all this weekend? Yeah, very nice. And it's today veterans day. I don't think so. Okay. Well, it's coming up. So definitely.

I thought veterans day was in, uh, no, it's Memorial day. No, the Memorial day. Flag days in June. Let's just go through the months. But I think, I think we're coming up on veterans day. So a big shout out to the troops and I'll do it again. Okay. And again, again, and again, here, I have a half of you here, dude.

I got to get over there. Thank you very much. You know what I like about you, Bill? Very little merch, but we were all hanging out on the antisocial store. You had like, you haven't written a book yet. I don't believe, I don't believe in selling them. Shit that, that doesn't have jokes on it. Right.

So that's, I'm not saying books are bad, but like, uh, I'm not into the, the T-shirt thing and the hats and all that type of stuff. No, but that's for a TV show. That's different. That's a bad ass hat too. There you go. Um, they come in kids sizes also. Dave's all porn.

See if I really was a whore of merch, I would be like, okay, we got this and this and it. But you know what, people don't have the money for merch, at least from my merch. Like if you're like a Southern guy or something, people will buy anything, a lunch box on that, that, that, let's talk about that tour on that tour. There was so much fucking March. I mean, Jim Norton at this point has more books than like fucking Stephen King. I really is prolific. Yes, he has, but he has like, for seriously, he's got three full novels that he's

written, he's got like, I don't know, two, three specials and it was just, there was so much stuff there. Yeah. There was, and then the shirt that we made for the tour. I finally just said, oh, by the way, I never got a fucking dime for that. Did you ever get anything? No, I haven't got any of that stuff either. I haven't, uh, it's, it's, it's somewhere out there.

I don't know. Are they still calculating it? I mean, when was our last date? Oh, yeah, just added up, but the, the shows were good. But for some reason, like, you know, I said, like casinos, this is a casino show. We're like, like Zeppelin in the 80s. Like people will come to a casino and fucking see us rock out our greatest head. But then we tried to do all these other venues.

That was, that was rough, but Chicago. No, I, I thought that they just, they, they went, they went too, too big, too quick. But I said that too. But I, I think, uh, tickets were too much too. Yeah, but, but that fucking show was ridiculous. It was a great show. I thought, yeah, just for people who, uh, who were new to my podcast, I did this tour, Jim Norton put it together, the anti-social network tour, uh, earlier this

year, it was, it was David Tell, Jim Norton, Jim Brewer, and myself, all gracing the same stage. The fact that you're too big to do it, the fact that we didn't come out and sing songs afterwards would have been tremendous. And you guys are, uh, you guys have a new lineup is, is you, Jim Norton, uh, Doug Stanhope, Doug Stanhope and, and Artie Lang is going to do a date or two. Yeah, I think I'm going to buy a ticket to that one. That's Bill.

I mean, see what you did. We, we loved having you, but let's face it. We have to go with the filthiest, dirtiest guys who are not acting on breaking bad right now, who are not waiting to hear from Tom Hanks on a movie. No, no, no, I'm going to be back on that tour at some point. I just, you're always welcome back. I just, uh, I'm getting ready to do another special. So I had to be, go out there running my mouth for a little over an hour just

so I stay in shape, um, for those types of things. But, uh, how's that coming along with the material and everything? I got, I got it to the point where, uh, I definitely have this special. I just got to polish up a couple of things and, uh, and just, you know, you know, that deals like you put out a special and then you, you want to do one that's as good if, if not better. And then you also want it to be like a little bit different. So, um, you know, I'm kind of pushing myself to try and do shit that I kind

of knew I could do one stage, uh, like sort of I do shit. Like when I drive around with my girl, um, like if I'm, I'll imitate a conversation, but I'll only do my half of it. But by what I'm saying, you can understand what the other person's saying. Okay. Let's try it now. I'll be your girl. So go ahead.

I'm just saying, that's one of the things I've been, I've been trying to work on. So, and I haven't done that. The other ones, just to give it something a little bit different. Cause there's two schools of thought. You can do the ACDC thing where you sing about the devil, your balls and pussy. I like that. And you just keep doing it and doing it and doing it. And this is what we do.

Go fuck yourselves. Or you can try to like change up and every once in a while you have a big miss and everybody's like, what the fuck are you doing? You know, you grow. Yeah. You're saying the growth. You have your U two moment where you get the big bug eyed fucking sunglasses. You do a special like that with no shirt on underneath.

You're like, you're like, uh, well, who would it be? What would be the, the, the, uh, Stephen Tyler? What's it's been again? I would be the hoodie and the blowfish. I think, uh, no, come on. Of the, like they, they did like so many albums and then like, you know, it's like, they were like hot and then they would like have to like restart again. They're like an amazing fucking band.

Yeah. It's ridiculous. You know what I'm saying? And then they went through this, this whole last Boston too. Yeah. Where, uh, Steven Tyler fell off the wagon. He so fell off the wagon. They actually considered going solo at 61 years of age, amazing, which would have

been, I think that that would have beat George Foreman winning the heavyweight title at 46. Uh, I, I, I give you that. I don't know how these guys can tour like that, even though their tour is like an amazing like of, you know, like buses and private jets and all that kind of shit, but still, it's still touring and like, you know, just like, just the amount of like people that must have to like be on the tour, like, you know, publicist and like, you know, nannies for all the, you know, third wife children

and, you know, just weird, just weird track of all your scarves. Yeah, exactly. Just like horribly, you know, like, like a traveling army, basically, like Spartacus with the, the people and also musicians, when they go on the road, they go on the road. Like the way we go on the road is like, you know, we go out for four days, come back a bag. Yeah.

Yeah. Go back. Like those guys were like, uh, what the fuck was I reading about recently? World tour. They were, yeah. Somebody went out, Oh, I was on, I was on yet another flight and I was reading about the piano player or something for the Rolling Stones. And he's, he was talking about, he was into trees.

Oh, really? This is how long this flight was. We were like a holding pattern over LAX. I'm reading about this fucking guy, how he's into trees somehow. But he was talking to how they did like a, they were like 18 months straight on the fucking road. Oh my God. Wow.

Really? Without ever coming home. Just like, that's how, that's how it's written. Wow. Like I don't get how you just, you just leave and you never come back because uh, I'm kind of on this, this brutal stretch here where I did the, uh, I did a tour through Europe and you know, that, that the flight going over is exciting because it's the anticipation, but coming back, it's like, you know,

give a fuck, you just want to get home and you're going against the golf stream or whatever. So it's like five, five extra fucking hours and, uh, I'm supposed to have a weekend off and luckily something came up. And, uh, I had to go to New York and I got to tell you, just like, I'm such a pussy compared to those guys. I'm talking three weeks out. Like I, I hated my life.

I hated the sound of my fucking voice. Where was this in England or where were you? I went to, uh, I did one night in London and then I went through Scandinavia. I did Copenhagen, Oslo, uh, Stockholm and then, which isn't part of Scandinavia. I learned is actually considered one of the, uh, Nordic countries, Finland. I did Helsinki, which you would have fucking, you would have loved Helsinki. Why do you say I would love it? Because you're an intelligent man.

You like to travel. You're interesting. You find people interesting. I do. Like a lot of people wouldn't know that about you. You are a fucking people person. Like when we visited the veterans in, uh, uh, when we were all at, uh, the Pentagon and we're walking in there and there's these kids and they, you know, they

suffered those horrible, horrible injuries. And I remember all, all of us on the tour were standing there like wanting to say something, not knowing what to say. And you just, you just walked right in, like, uh, you know, you just, like, you'd known them yet their whole life. And I got to be honest, dude, when I was in there, I just followed your lead. No, you got to, yeah, it's a very difficult situation when you go visit the wounded soldiers, but they really, you got to think of it from their perspective.

They're just in a constant state of like rehabilitation. You know, they're young. A lot of them are really young. They're like trying to figure out what they're going to do with it. It's such a horrible, horrible situation. Each one of them, you know, their parents, sometimes their parents are with them and the parents don't know what to do. And it's like anybody who's, who's, uh, who's, who's sick, but then some, I mean,

you know, you're, it's really hard to not just break down, but you got to like, you know, power through it for these dudes. And they love that you came and broke up the monotony of them and you'll never forget it. And hopefully, you know, it helped them pass the time. So yeah, and you would like killing, you were fucking hilarious. You're going in and, uh, you know, just doing those fucking, Oh, they love it.

Cause they got a dark humor. Yeah. Yeah. So that was the thing I go through all that shit and not come out realizing that God has a sense of fucking humor. I mean, really, honestly. Yeah. And I wanted to make sure that I went in there, that I wasn't looking at them.

Like what you wouldn't want to sit there being a fucking, it was that line. You had to walk like, you know, I respect what you've done, but I don't want to sit there and look at you like you're this pity case. And I want to treat you like a regular fucking person, but then not be so regular that I'm disrespectful. So I'm telling you, I just, I just, like the tour to France, I just drafted behind you and I watched you go to a couple of tables and I kind of figured out what I was going to do.

And now I saw everybody do that. And everybody after a while, Norton Brewer, all of a sudden, yeah, all of a sudden I saw all of them were going around the room. And then like within 20 minutes, it's like you didn't want to leave. It was really, man, that tour was fucking awesome, man. Yeah. That was great. And then we, we, we gave them tickets and a lot of them came to the show and

that's really cool too. Because first of all, like they're stuck in this hospital and they want to get out a lot of them like can't drink or whatever. Cause they're on these heavy duty meds that you and I can only drink a dream of these amazing medications, like, like Conrad Murray type fucking medication. And, uh, you know, they finally get a night out and they're like young dudes. They want to laugh and, you know, have a good time, get laid and all that, but they got to wait cause they're on this, you know, they're, you know, getting better.

So that was great that we did that. That was the highlight of the tour, I think for all of us that we got to go to the Pentagon, you know, a couple of pictures with my camera, you know, I love you. You know, I like to, when you go to the Pentagon is how they have like that, uh, how unimpressive it is. Well, you go in and then it's sort of like a mall and they have like, like a gift shop and they have like ATMs.

I'm probably the doors going to get kicked open for me talking about the inner levels. I also found it fascinating that nobody really knew how many floors there were. Nobody really knew where anything was. And there was like, and then you'd meet that one guy who had like all this shit all over his shirt and you'd be like, okay, this guy knows how many he's got all these metals. Didn't you think that like we were at like, like that's like the Pentagon that

like everyone thinks is the Pentagon, but then like deep below it, like whatever, like a hundred million feet is like the real, like, you know, nerve center, like that's the old paranoid pothead in me thinking there's got to be something. Yeah, I kept thinking of like war games because they have like a, like a coffee place and a gift shop and all that kind of stuff. And you know, you don't, you never hear that in these movies. Like get down to the gift shop, pick up a magnet. Let's make this happen.

Yeah, but you know, it's gonna be a latte and a refrigerator magnet of Lincoln. Yeah, but I was cracking up cause I went in there and all of us went in there and like, uh, we're like total tourists. I remember Brewer going in cause his dad's a world war two. Yes. Something going on. My dad would love this and I'm buying like fucking magnets. No one's got like coffee cup.

Dude, it's a fucking Pentagon. It's so cool because like it's all government shit. So the change is hot right off the mint. That's a joke. I've been trying to do a mint joke. Like, do you have a joke like that? That you've like, you love, you've been trying to do the joke like for years and years and years like either you have the setup or you have the punch line, but

like it just like it sticks. It's like, it's like, I just want to change joke of like, cause I love change. So like, you know, go to the mint, you know, either nothing's coming out. The economy sucks. We're like, it's really hot. Like right off the press. Yeah. You got to do something about a guy who's so like hooked up in the banking system

that like, uh, Oh right. Yeah. It's going to be political. Yeah. When he gave me like 50 cents back or something. It was still hot. Who was that guy who had the check where he goes like, I go to the U S mint and

like, uh, I buy a t-shirt and, um, I give him a 20 and they couldn't find change. And I was like, well, look around. It's the mint. That was like, I remember that in the 80s. I was like, I want to do a mint joke too. I think that's how it started. But anyway, Oh, hey, I, uh, I, uh, that just reminded me as far as like great jokes.

I just was working in St. Louis and I had a local, uh, comedian open up. Do you know Andy Smith? Um, could his name be more female? No, no, female, female. Oh yeah. Oh, he's great. Oh yeah. I'm sorry.

Yes. Yes. She's great. She is a great joke right now. How about the, um, table joke? Oh yeah. I want to remember that joke. I wanted that.

Yeah. That's the one I quoted. I want that, but I just don't want to blow up her spot here. Cause I, I know that, you know, it'll be doing a fucking material, but like, yeah, she's in St. Louis and, uh, I worked with her in Nashville. I just was out there. I want to thank everybody by the way who came out to, uh, Cleveland,

Madison and St. Louis this weekend. I had a fucking awesome time and I'd like to thank the Irvine people and we go. Look at this. Of course the Phoenix people in the future. Since I never know when this Monday to whenever podcasts will air hopefully Patrick here.

Patrick is an empty man from, we're in his apartment from nobody likes onions podcast. One of the original podcasts, by the way, by the way, he'll be, he'll be the first to tell you, he started the whole, he's like the Al Gore of podcasts. I didn't know that he started the whole fucking thing. No wonder he looks bitter, but I have to say for, he's a single guy, right? Pat, he's swinging, man.

He's out there. He's fucking whatever his apartment does not look like a single guy. Well, the, the big screen TV and the couch really close, that's single guy, but it doesn't reek of singleness. You know, it's like kind of like vacuumed and nice. I think that's because when the IRS comes and you just walked in, jump on the podcast, giving you props for your apartment. We were just talking about how clean it was.

You literally slimming down a little bit. Patrick Melton, everybody. Do you wear shoes around your house? Yeah, I do. Cause it's covered in glass and blood and just sad, broken dreams. Yeah. He's trying to say this is really nice. I think the reason you have wall to wall carpeting.

The reason why this is so nice, I believe, is because it's also a business, so he has to make it look at that. In case the IRS kicks open the door to be, there's no podcasting going on here. Young man. I'm kind of like an OCD clean. Like I don't have a lot of dirt or germs. You look very, I make gay hand motions when I speak. That's okay.

We can have it. Hey, you have every right to do that. Yeah. That's what I do now. Whenever somebody brings up a gay joke, I just applaud and like tear up because you know, there's no good answer anymore. Like, you know, you can't retort or anything else. You're an asshole, you know,

those little confetti poppers and just know even that's too many pride parade. That's that insults them. Hey, how far into this are we? Like, so I can try and time out here, 38. All right. How long is your podcast usually? It's usually an hour long. Oh, so here's one for you.

Uh, you know, um, believe it or not, somehow I started giving out advice on my podcast. I don't think I don't think I mean, you, I don't think anybody takes it seriously, but it just so happens, Dave. That somebody wrote one in, I think you might be able to help out. It, uh, it has to, you know, do with porn and that type of thing. And you're, and you're here to hype Dave's old porn, Dave's old porn. I'm leaving again. I just heard my name.

Come on. Okay, go ahead. Pat, you brought like more energy. I got to smoke at some point. I know this is not a non-smoking podcast, but go ahead. Oh, you can smoke in here. Yeah, good. No, but it's, it'll get pissed.

It'll remind me. My old, the old days going to the, he'll put on shoes and kick my ass. Good. What's, what's that? Yeah, light up Dave. Come on. It's not going to do that. It's Ellie.

All right. I respect the man's, uh, all weather car. All right. Advice bill and Dave will add that. I need your help. I dated this chick and, uh, and I feel for, I think I love her. What song was that? I feel for you.

I think I love you. I don't know, uh, Bobby Darren or something. No, no, come on, man. It was eighties. I'm going to keep singing. I don't know it. I feel for you. That's what I say about any song.

White snake. I think I love you. What fucking, oh, it's going to kill me all day. All right. Um, anyways, he said, what split us apart is that she didn't like porn. And I promised her, I wouldn't watch it. Uh, she had self-esteem problems and like an idiot, I broke it. I guess he broke her self-esteem.

Oh, this guy's kind of a dick. I tried fixing it and for a while things went back to how they were, but she wanted, uh, she wanted a break. I agreed, but later she started to like another guy. I didn't like that and tried to get back with her. We had sex and things were going great. I thought everything, uh, would go back to the same, but later she said, we can't have sex after I felt depressed because I knew she didn't

like me anymore and she started liking this other guy. When I was depressed, I didn't talk to her much. It lasted for three days. This kid must be young. It lasted for three days. And during that time she started dating the guy, brutal spelling errors. So forgive my already bad reading out loud skills here. This is almost, we're about halfway through here.

If you want to start lightning a cigarette, uh, I asked her why she went off and dated a guy she doesn't know. She said, because I was detaching myself, I want to get over, I want to get over her, but I'm having trouble. Only time I am happy is when I listened to stand up comedy in your podcast. Uh, no, he goes, I'm smooching your ass there. Um, I feel bad for breaking her heart. And because I feel like she didn't love me.

Oh Jesus Christ. This guy's, he make it sense. I was always there for her. She had many problems when she was alone and stuck up for her. She got, I know, I know I screwed up. Oh, this is like a side note. And what I get, okay. No, honestly, is he all right?

Anyways, he's basically asking, how can I get over her and move on? Well, what do you say, Dave? What, what, what is what I say your formulas and porn will help you. Um, in the immediate thing, but, uh, in the long run. Yeah, you got to, you got to just, uh, there's, uh, whatever. You got to get out there. I mean, this kid, he's still trying to, um, trying to like get this check, but she's already moved on cause we all know one thing guys got porn,

but women can fuck any guy they want. I mean, honestly, I mean, like, if you don't treat a woman right, she will go out and like, fuck your twin brother. Just to show you that like you got a, you know, whatever, I mean, they're vicious, they can be vicious or they can be amazingly cool. So either way, he, uh, you know, he should just say, like, you know what, chalk this one up for experience, move on next chapter in my life and, uh, use the porn and the booze sparingly, but keep it in the back pocket.

And there are chicks that like porn, so maybe the next one won't have such a big problem about it, but this girl, it's called the dead end. Move forward. Yeah, I have, I have one of my theories is when you break up with, with, uh, someone is you get the fuck away from them. Good idea. If you can, because women got that they're just fucking geniuses when it comes to just knowing

right, they can just sense like, wait a minute, he's getting over me and then they'll fucking call you up and just spin your shit around and then just hang up and be a mission accomplished and they just do that until they're over you and then they just leave you in a puddle in the corner. So my thing is you just, you just fucking, you break it off and that's it. Exactly. You're right. Maybe this kid, he works with this, this chick where she lives near

him or something like that, but you're right. He's got to clear the decks, move forward, new experiences. Like it's scary, but you got to just get out there and do shit, but the porn will help you. Honestly. And this girl has been such a, such a press about the porn thing. And, uh, you know, it's amazing how she got over here. Yeah, you're not going to marry this girl.

You can't watch porn. Can't watch porn with that. This isn't your wife. I'm emotionally dead as an old man here. And let me tell you something. When did you look back and laugh at this? If you still have teeth. All right.

What else we got? We got dilemmas here. Dave, would you like to try a dilemma? Let's try a dilemma. A dilemma. Let's see if we can, an ancient dilemma. Like of a, you know, a man stands on one foot and talks. No, this, this is more just, this is soft morocke fucking horses.

I like how Bill, you don't even, uh, is this the first time you're seeing this stuff? Oh yeah. I don't read this shit. I don't read. I just totally wing it. All right. Uh, let me, it was a really brutal one here.

All right. All right. We'll give this to you. Dave, would you rather eat a tablespoon of Kim Kardashian shit or suck an entire fart directly out of Rosie O'Donnell, sucking directly on her obese balloon nut? Wow. You know, it sucks when you want to do both.

It sucks when, uh, well, I don't know. I would say that I would go, I don't know. That's a definitely coin toss. If he asked me, cause I mean, if anybody's shit's going to taste good, you got to think, I mean, she's so primped and proper. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think she, she gets some sort of ass pedicure. I would think like, oh, Kim, yeah, once, once, once a week or something.

Every hole is insured by something, but, uh, no, she's super hot. So everybody would go with her, but you know what? I'm going to take it to the other direction and go with the Rosie, whatever the hell you said, look at that left turn. And I'll even take it a step further because to show you how much I really have no self esteem, I would eat Susan Boyle's box. If it granted wishes and even everybody goes, what if one of the wishes was you never remember eating her box?

It's like, I don't even give a shit. I'm sure it's as sweet as her beautiful voice. Bill, Bill in your hypothetical world. The noises she would make, what the noise is she would make. I can imagine. I think she would pass up. When they get there, one of those, those children's novel pasty thighs, it's really like a, she has like fairytale legs.

I would think, you know what I mean? She is angel farts. She just queues angel prayers. I got to tell you, I think I would go, I would go with Rosie O'Donnell. I would do that because at the end of the day, it's air and it's just, it just doesn't seem as bad. I'm going to go, I'm going to get so hot though. I'm going to get signed.

Yeah, but you're not really experiencing her. She's just going to shit on a plate. Like basically how you get to see her do it. She doesn't like, like an assistant brings that in, right? You get to see her. And she's very busy. She's, she's out, she's, she's dodging the, uh, everyone who was outraged that her sham of a marriage was a sham of a marriage.

But you know, I don't understand, Bill, who felt, who felt they got fucked in that one? Who do you feel bad for the poor people at people magazine that have a million dollars to pay for those dumb photos? I honestly could not give a shit about any of that bullshit or whatever. But I'm just going to say this right now, don't you think just from just living in America of like, you know, pumping gas and like, uh, you know, using cash machine that like you've, you've like somehow over,

over your entire life, just the contact of like people of other people touching shit that you've eaten a shit. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I think that like, if you add it all that up collectively, it's like a, probably like a nice big turd, probably need to get your stomach pumped. Like when you go to heaven, like they show you like, this is how much shit you've actually eaten, you know, like God gives you like how much change

you've given to homeless people. Like he has that jar. You know, I had somebody in St. Louis did that, you know, you shake hands afterwards and you always have like that, like the hand sanitizer afterwards. Yeah. And I actually had an audience member deny to shake my hand. He goes, he goes, I'm not because of everything.

Oh yeah. And I was just like, yeah, you know, that's actually that totally, I totally understand why you wouldn't want to at this point. And I always make sure I, if I'm going to scratch my face, it's always with my left hand. Like I totally get, um, why, you know, Howie Mandel is probably the most famous for it. Doesn't want to shake hands.

And if you, and people thought it was weird, but if you're really honest with yourself and you think about the last 24 hours, some of the things that you've done to yourself and you maybe were in a hurry, he didn't quite clean up, you know. But think about it this way. I've been to the third world and like, they can only dream about it. Yeah. And they can only dream of like, uh, you know, like, uh, wipes and Purell and

shit like that. I mean, you know, they, they're filthy all the time and they love it. And they always have a big smile, you know, like, Hey, what's up? Don't they like shit on the side of the road? Sometimes. Yeah. I mean, like squat and the one fountain that's in their country. Hmm.

It's some of that. Yeah. I've actually seen that. So don't they have like the people's bidet, the people's bidet. Is that a new show? That sounds like a new show on a new network. We do it differently here at own, you know, something I thought I was going to travel the world and find out how bad capitalism is.

I actually think it's still good. I think it's good to it's a little lot of control, but there's something when everybody has everything, there's just no re there's no motivation. Yeah. You know what I mean? You know, it's really sucks for like people out there that'll listen because I've been like starting to follow this whole like take back, uh, you know, Wall Street and all that kind of stuff is like, even though the

message is, is, is very like obscure right now, they're dead on. It's like a lot of these kids, especially the kids with the heavy, uh, college debt and just people like working at jobs, like regular jobs. I used to have like many regular jobs. Okay. And like the whole thing was like, okay, you get a Christmas bonus, you know, if the company did really well, maybe you get another bonus. That would be cool.

If you worked for that kind of company, I used to sell shoes. I was like, the more shoes you sell, like you get a bonus. And then like the next year, like, you know, you're like, okay, cool. I've moved up, you know, now I get a bigger salary. There's none of that. People get a job. They get more work. It's like, Oh, you got to put in another extra hours taken away from

your family and your other shit, but there's no more money. So it's like, it's like that whole idea of like, you know, I'm going to work my way up in this company or I'm going to do this. That's over. It's like, it's like, you should just be lucky to have a job. Fuck you. No, I shouldn't give it up my life for this fucking job. I want to be rewarded.

If I'm doing a good job to be just the head guy who gets all the bonuses. I actually, I fundamentally, what they're doing there is right. It's just a shame that they are going to, you know, the couple, you know, anytime is a crowd. First of all, you know, there's some perverts are going to show up. Oh yeah. That's like their South by Southwest festival. When they see, when they see that they can go dry hump up against somebody.

There's always going to be the dude who throws something through a fucking window. Yeah. Like those people, it's like you go to a football game. You can sit there and have a good time, but you know, there's going to be some guy with his man tits out. Somebody's going to be puking in the corner. There's going to be, you know, when you have a crowd, but essentially

what's going on there is, is good. It's good for America. And I think what those kids are doing there, God bless them. I like it because you know, it's like, I always thought this generation was just like X box, like sit at home, you know, comment, comment on everything, like it, hate it. You know, you suck. I'm talking about my own, you know, I think I get the same 10 guys to see

these like people going out and like, you know, trying to like really do something. So I give them credit. I think it's phenomenal. Actually somebody, uh, some people got together and they stopped a bank from, uh, they had some new chargers, which is fucking hilarious. Cause these cunts are the ones who screwed everything up. Who the bankers, it's like everybody, like, I don't

get how we all work every week and you basically give them 90% of your paycheck every week. Yeah. You, you have all the money. How did you lose it? Well, what's the deal with the banks? All I know is this, like as an old man who's trying to support an older woman, my mother, right?

Well, I know it's like, I, I, I do the right thing. I put my money in the 401k if I have some money or blah, blah, blah. And there's nothing in there. There's no like interest on it. It's like, I might as well go out and blink it up. Yeah. I mean, maybe these rappers are right. Go out and just buy, you know, a clock and a car you don't need in a

helicopter, at least you have something instead of like looking at your bank statement, 0, 0.1, whatever. Like you're lucky if it like makes like five bucks or something. Oh yeah. The dumbest thing I ever did was invested my money, you can't get it back. They'll give it back to you, but with the penalties and the fees and then those motherfuckers, like every five years, they just yanked the rug out from underneath it, you know, every once in a while, they will arrest

like some lady who makes a bunt cake and they'll send her to jail and say that she did something fucked up. But the real heavyweights down there. Come on. Oh, yeah, I don't even, I don't even understand like this whole Euro thing with the, unless they bail out Greece, everyone's going to fall like Spain and then Portugal. Like there's like the, these countries, it seems like the cooler the country is

the more at risk they are of their economy falling apart. Like Germany, very straight and, you know, whatever, rigid, you know, everyone, they're like the strongest economy and then like Norway and Sweden, whatever. But once you get into like the places where you can get a tan, you know, like Portugal, Spain, Italy, you know, the fun places. Hey, you know what somebody told me about comedy over there? They said that you don't want to go south of, uh, of Berlin. Once you go south of Berlin immediately, they just want to see a

titty pop out and, uh, somebody slip on a banana peel. It's very Benny Hill south of that. So, uh, you know, if you want to pontificate, you got to go to like the Netherlands. You got to stay up that way. I don't know how you guys do it. I know Stan Hope, who I think is the best comic I've ever seen, cause he's the most filthiest, dirtiest, never holds back. He's our Jeremiah Johnson.

If you know movies, he's our, he's the last renegade, but he, uh, he really is living the life that guy, he really is, is amazing. And, uh, you know, the ladders on, but what he like lives in like the Sahara desert in Arizona, but I know he lives in the middle of fucking nowhere. Yeah, he does. He's, he's getting ready for the apocalypse. Like Sarah Connor and Bill, you saved that show. By the way, he's doing that, by the way, he's, he's, uh,

you'll be hearing that a lot on Bill's episode of Dave's old porn. He's actually, uh, he's doing everything. Sarah Connor did accept the pull-ups that, that whole part with the working out. She's so hot. Oh my God. That was like, that was the beginning of women cop show. You remember, it's like, you know, this sassy broad's going to change this whole department.

That's right. And then we have some retired football player, be your partner. Yeah. It's like Fred Dreyer. What was that show? Remember that chick with the hair all teased up? I don't know, but I'd love to be one of those like, you know, peg. Do you think this is, this is, this is not procedure.

You know, like just one of the guys who fuels her, her like amazing, amazing. And season three. Cause there are, there are like story ideas. You guys actually have like a scene where you get to bang her in her, her, her power suit on there and her fucking desk. That's like a guest, like Ryan Reynolds guest stars as the lawyer. You know, like they have to get like a really good looking dude. Cause it's all for women.

Anyhow, you know, like women's fantasy. I know. All right. Well, we're, we're, we're coming down towards the end of this before we, yeah, yeah, let's do the, uh, let's leave them wanting more there, Dave. Okay. One more time for some reason. I love how I keep saying this shit.

Like it's a live radio show and people are just tuning in, but I, I'm, I'm, I'm old school. I'm maybe, maybe somebody's walking by somebody's cubicle. Uh, I have David tell here. He's, he's promoting his new hit show on showtime. Dave's old porn. I'm very happy with it. It's very good.

Oh yeah. I saw some clips of it. It was fucking hilarious. And I hate all my stuff, but I'm, I'm like the comics are super funny. The porn people are great. So I'm very cool with it. Well, it's awesome. So this Thursday, 11 30, uh, on showtime, 11 30 PM, you can see yours truly hanging

with Dave and Nina Hartley. Uh, if you want to go to his website, it's Dave old. Dave's old porn.com. Uh, what is this? That's, that's every, all the info is on that Dave's old porn.com old Dave's old porn.com. All right. You want to do a couple more dilemmas?

Let's get fucking silly here. And then we'll get out of here. Right. Yeah. Let's do it. There we go. Sorry. Sorry.

Here we go. All right. Jackie, Jackie O or Marilyn Monroe. You know what? I never really found either one of them that hot, but I'd have to say, I guess, Marilyn Monroe would be the cooler, the cooler one. You know, she had a major fucking bunt. Yeah.

She was, she was never seen like, I don't know how, how out of shape you could be and still be hot back in the day. That's true. But she was definitely like, I guess, you know, the first party girl that like we all know, there's other ones like Jane Mansfield and all the rest. The ones that they would have the picture like the guys in World War II would be like, that's what I'm fighting for. I think Jane's Jane, Jane Mansfield is the Kurt Cobain and, and Marilyn

Monroe is Eddie Vedder. Oh, you couldn't even think of women to say because she, I think Jane Mansfield was the, was the real fucking deal. I agree with you. And then she, yeah, she got her face peeled off and everything. There's a lot of, a lot of like lines there. It was a horrible ending. Yeah, that really was.

What is that? There's actually a word for that. Something that happened. No, there's something that happened to her. Uh, it wasn't decapitated. She had something else. What the, it's on her Wikipedia page. Pakistan and something that they only, what is it?

It's what it means. Basically you get scalped. Oh, there's a medical word for it. Well, you got to say she was in a car accident. I'm sorry. Yeah. She was in a car accident with the, uh, weightlifter guy was her husband. Right.

But he lived. Yeah. The 18 wheeler. I think he ducked and she didn't. Oh, and they went, you know, it's basically that section is when they open you up. Well, which one would you take there of a Maryland depends on what I want to do. I just want to bang some chick that.

I don't give a fuck for a couple of months. Be Maryland. Jackie, if I want to get married, I want to settle down and deal with her in her long fucking gloves. And she, uh, can you look up Jane Mansfield and find out, uh, what the medical term is for being scalped? If you don't mind Patrick Melton, everybody host of the, one of the original podcasts out there, nobody likes onions.

Um, anyways, let's let's do another dilemma here. So Patrick has his own podcast besides your podcast. No, no, no, this is his studio. He's allowing me to be here. That's why the quality of this is so fucking amazing. All right, Dave, would you, would you rather never have sex again or be able to have sex, but you can only Taco Bell breakfast, lunch and dinner for the rest of your life.

That's called comedy in the eighties. That's not what the limit. That's how it was. All they're missing is the bloat scalping like tickets or like scalping. Yeah. She, she died. She died. She went on the top of her head.

What do you want me to look up? I'm just, just go on a Wikipedia page. Who, uh, Jane, Jane, Jane Mansfield. Wow. That show 24 makes it look so much more exciting when they have the guy now look up this and get it in like five seconds. Yeah. And you know what happens when everybody gathers around the computer and nobody

could see it, nobody can see it except for the hero. They go, whatever, whatever. It's just a wiki page girl who's like, yeah, I got it. Typing, typing. That was a good one though. But I would say that anything we talk about, I like Taco Bell, but I'm old now. So Taco Bell is like eating candy.

Like you can only do it occasionally, but I used to live on Taco Bell, growing up on the island, we get wasted. We'd fucking hit the, hit the Taco Bell and seven layer burrito, everything. We just like, like give us everything. Cause we know eventually we're going to eat it. You know, it's just like tons of stuff. You know, I love about them is, is their, their attempt to keep coming up with new dishes with those same four ingredients, you know, just gluing the chips

together with fucking with the cheese and then the hamburger meat. It's always the hamburger meat, some sort of taco and then just a bunch of fucking cheese and they, they just changed the shape of it. I actually, I would say I would just not have sex again. And because I figure if I eat enough, if I eat Taco Bell three times a day, I'm going to fucking die and my, or my dick just isn't going to work with all that grease in there. Anyways, so I might as well eat healthy.

You know, I'll take yoga class and try to teach myself how to come without touching myself in the down dog position. Wow. I thought that just left. It says her death. Think of it says she was killed by a crushed skull with an evulsion of cranium and brain. Evulsion, look up, Evulsion.

Maybe that's what it was. But back to the Taco Bell thing food and Evulsion. I think that's one of their new, new dishes and Evulsion is an injury in which the body structure is forcibly detached. It's most commonly refers to a surface trauma where all the layers of the skin have been torn away, exposing the underlying structures, subcutaneous tissue, muscle tendons. It's similar to an abrasion, but much more severe as body parts, such as an

eyelid or an ear can be partially or fully detached from the body. Oh, that's what she got her face peeled off. Comes from the Latin word to tear off. Yeah. Dude, you know those fucking drug cartels down in Mexico that they tortured this guy to death. They fucking peeled his face back. No way.

Really? Yeah. And I was just thinking of all the sick jokes because when you pull it back, it just looks like the guy's doing the cheesiest smile ever, you know, cause it's just, you know, it's all, all the fall. Yeah. It's fucking like, you know, what was it? What was the movie?

You know, the pinhead guy, you know, pinhead, but was it called pinhead? No, but what was the name of the movie though? Hellraiser Hellraiser. Yeah. Like, you know, ripped the skin off. I love that guy. That was so fucking cool. Before paranormal activity, I love that.

But uh, Bill, what I want to say was, uh, that Mexican stuff is a crazy whatever's going on down there. That's fucking crazy. And they got a new show, a Juarez, Mexico. I haven't watched it yet, but I bet you that's like, that is definitely the town where we should do a special. Oh yeah. Can you imagine that?

It's like, Hey, it's like, do we get paid here? Yeah. Here's your pay. You get to leave a lot. Get out of here. He's like, okay, okay. We're back at across the bridge. Relax.

Everything's good. Relax. How hardcore would you go though? I know that, I know that you have performed for troops on bases in Afghanistan and all these hardcore places, but what's the most hardcore, uh, you know, you left the country because there's something like there's a major fucking fear I have when I, when you leave the country, as much as you're having a good time and it's a friendly fucking place, it says that

panic, I'm going to lose my wallet and I'm going to have to run to the embassy is like in the background like people chasing me and shit. So I was wondering Jason born the most, the most, I'm just saying, I'm not saying it's a rational fucking. That's hilarious. What, what fantasy are you in where you've got to get to the embassy? I'll tell you why. And did you want, did you ever watch arrested abroad?

I locked up abroad, locked up abroad or, or that, that chick who's, she's, she's put away forever because she, you know, for losing your wallet. No, this is what it is. Nobody's like, he needs to get to the, before you go all captain cynical on it, but I'm seriously saying, Bill, yeah, that girl went to Bali. She said she packed a boogie board when it fucking lands. It's packed with weed and then you get a life sentence. Like you get the fucking death penalty.

They didn't give her the death penalty. They just stuck her in jail for life. They made this whole, uh, documentary on it. And you think in the end she's going to get, I don't want to run a run. It's fucking horrific. Now, maybe she was trying to deal. I'm not saying, but she didn't look up the laws. She didn't know what the fuck was going on.

And, uh, that was it. Yeah. But you're talking about people who are doing something wrong, most likely getting caught doing it. I didn't, I didn't say it was a ration littering in Canaan, Singapore. You remember that? Yeah. You key a card.

Like, I mean, I've been all these countries. I don't look up their laws. I just go, I'm not going to be a fucking asshole. Yeah. You should know the laws of the land. But whatever you're dating somebody and they, they leave a fucking, uh, one of the, what are those little things you smoke out of? Not a bong, though.

The little pipes, a little pipe, a one hitter and you got that. And all of a sudden that means you, you got to get fucking your foot stepped on by an elephant and you weren't aware of that. You met the love of your life in Saudi Arabia on an oil business trip. I always like, it's like, I grew up in Saudi Arabia. It's like, what? It's like, yeah. And like, uh, if you could get booze, you were the man.

And so it's like, you know, like that's real hardcore. Like we're in the U S it would be like, and, but like, if you can be like a bottle of Kalu, it's like, whoa, watch out. All of a sudden, like secret police are fucking getting this kid, whatever, but I don't have that show locked up abroad. Very cool. You're right. Absolutely.

Well, we got, we're about an hour, about an hour and hour. We're going to wrap up this podcast. Well, it's good seeing you do it once again. I can't wait for the new special. Whenever you're going to do that. Cause your stuff rocks out always. I love it. I'm chasing guys like you.

Dave's old porn is the new show Thursdays, 11 30 on show time. It's a big hit. Dude, I'm really happy for you, man. I'm really happy for you. I hope I hope it goes over the moon for you, man. Uh, that's it. That's the Monday morning podcast. Hope you guys had a good time.

Thank you guys. Uh, don't take any shit. Go fuck yourselves. We'll talk to you next week.