Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-8-18

Episode Date: November 9, 2018

Bill rambles about Madison Square Garden, press conferences, and falling out of bed.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burnett. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. What's going on? How are you? I'm in Chicago. My kind of town Chicago is my kind of town Chicago is eating hard attack food. Chicago is a great place to put on 40 pounds. It's my kind of town. Yeah, all they got is steaks, chops, deep dish pizza. You know, remember that old SNL sketch when they all dressed like Mike Ditkin, they all having fucking heart attacks and stuff? Yeah, this ends my six straight weekends on the road. And I got to tell you, I was in such great shape at the beginning of it. And now I'm starting to go in the wrong direction.

So it starts tonight. I just ordered a little bit of room service, something healthy, something not so healthy. But I'm fucking, I got two shows tonight. I'm just going to go home. As you can tell, I'm fighting off a fucking cold that almost ruined my show last night at Madison Square Garden. Thank you to everybody who showed up. I had a great goddamn time. The sound was incredible. And I had a bunch of friends came out and saw it and they all were like, Oh my God, we really enjoyed it, which made me feel good. Thank you to the people. You know, some people gave me some gifts. You know, I got some cigars this week. Thank you to everybody came out to the efforts for family. I think I'm a jig there that I did at the Paley Center with Mike Price and Peter Billingsley.

We actually aired the first episode for the people that were there. We actually got a great review from Forbes magazine about our third season saying it's our best fucking season and one of the top half hours on Netflix. I mean, I am having a hell of a week. I really am. I'm enjoying myself, but I'm eating like a fucking idiot. So drinking this stupid ass fucking vitamin C shit, you know, dude, just keep drinking those packets. It's like, well, it's 1000 milligrams. Drink two of them. That's why I drink 2000 of anything in me. That just seems like like a lot. Can you OD on vitamin C? You know, how many times can the cold virus kick vitamin C's ass before we realize that it really

doesn't do anything vitamin C overdose? You know, somebody did this. Okay. For adults, the recommended daily amount for vitamin C is 65 to 90 milligrams. Now, what do I got? I got 1000 milligrams and the upper limit is 2000 milligrams a day. Although too much dietary vitamin C is unlikely to be harmful. Mega doses of vitamin C supplements might cause diarrhea or nausea. Okay, we can OD on it. You fucking hilarious. If you get so into health that you're fucking overdosed. The ugly truth behind the vitamin vitamin C overdose, according to Spoon University, that they like to snuggle when they learn things. Spoon University, I hate being sick and I'm

guessing you do too, says the article. I'm sure most of you have heard someone, you can never take too much vitamin C. Is that really true or is it a myth? Can we overdose on vitamin C? I don't care. I don't care. I'm fucking if I'm reading, just say the answer. I want to read an episode of a fucking television show that doesn't exist. I saw an old person reading a book the other day at the airport. I was just like, wow, that's fucking amazing. You know, they just didn't give in, wasn't staring at a fucking smartphone like everybody else, including myself. You know, I actually use my smartphone to help me with my stress. Whenever I'm stressing out, I just play fucking solitaire. You know,

it's got a nice fucking mellow guitar thing. This fucking song it plays in the background, I just don't give a shit. I try to beat my top score. You know, when I look up, I'm still not at the airport. I don't give a fuck. I really don't. You know what I hate? I hate when these fucking security line at the airport and some fucking asshole behind you goes, can I just get through them? Sorry, my flight's already boarding. It's just like, okay, well, you're fucking going to miss it then. Now, because you're late, because you're late, you get rewarded for being late by not having to wait in the fucking line like the rest of us. Fuck you. Fuck you and fuck your flight. You know, I'm sorry, can I just end in this stupid body language?

You're trying to be all like submissive as they walk past you. I mean, what's to stop something from just saying my flight leaves in fucking 10 minutes? I mean, that's the move. If you don't have TSA precheck or global or, you know, if you didn't have your taint mapped, whatever the fuck they're doing now to get you on the plane sooner. I mean, that's the move, I think. If you're a conspiracy theorist and you don't want them to have any more information about you, but you don't like waiting in lines, I would just show up and say, I'm sorry, my flight leaves in 10 minutes. Can I just, can I just go ahead? I'm sorry. Can I just, yeah, some of these give those people the old right there, Fred. Oh God, I'm fucking miserable. If I can somehow do these

two shows tonight and not get sick, if I can just fight it off. But anyways, I had the greatest fucking night ever last night, just wire to wire, I just had a fucking awesome set. And then the after party was at Gotham Comedy Club with the Mozzillis who I've known forever, and they made this incredible cake. I believe they got the cake boss to make it. We took pictures, I uploaded it on shit. But it was, it was, the cake was not only Madison Square Garden, it also looked like a snare drum. Because, you know, obviously I played drums, there was a helicopter on it. And then they had this big figurine of me wearing that fucking shirt I wore in my last special with the stars on it. And then they had the John Bonham's Green Sparkle 1971 Ludwig Kitt, you know, with this little

Zeppelin four insignia on it. It was incredible. Fucking cake was incredible. And they let us, well I can't see what they let us do because I don't like to get them in fucking trouble, but you know, something they usually make you do outside. They allowed us to do inside, which was fucking tremendous. And that was it. I fucking went home and now I'm in Chicago. I'm in fucking Chicago. I got four shows here at the Chicago Theater, which arguably has the greatest marquee in the country, I feel. Speaking of the greatest, Paul Versey's special, thanks to you guys, is, it's one of the highest rated specials Comedy Central's had in a long time. It's fucking crushing it. It has over like a million views. So thank you to everybody who went out and watched it.

It's still streaming on Comedy Central. You can check it out. It's great for Paul. It's great for me because he did it with my company, All Things Comedy. Mine and Al Madrigals, you know. It's fucking tremendous. That's the first one. And you know what? We got three more coming. If you think Paul Versey was the high watermark and we're going to dip, nope, everybody's is going to be at the same fucking level. It's all going to be quality. Do I sound like Trump right now? I actually watched a little bit of that news conference, by the way. You know? That childish fucking affair. Jesus Christ. Everybody's just yelling at each other. The reporter continuing to ask questions. Is Trump saying I'm done with you? Then he walked

away from the microphone. That whole fucking thing on both sides was like embarrassing. And I'm not a fan of Trump. But for people to sit there and act like the media does not fucking absolutely hate that fucking guy. I've never seen, I mean, I've never seen a guy get fucking attacked the way this fucking dude gets attacked. It's like watching a comic play a hell room. It's just up there getting fucking heckled. He's like, I'm not going to do my fucking act Hey, you fucking suck. I don't know. It's the worst job on the fucking plant. You literally get blamed for everything. You know, why don't they fucking have a press conference with some of these fucking piece of shit corporations, polluting the water, stealing

from people, blowing up the economy and then ripping the rug out from everywhere? What the fuck about them? You become president. You just they're fucking stooge and you go out there and you stand there and you just get yelled at by these fucking nerds who think they're in the paper chase of some shit. I have no idea. Another fucking bad story. It's just a bad, you know, I just put on the TV and I saw that whole thing about the fucking one of those mass shootings things. And it just makes no sense that those things happen all the time other than the fact that that's all they fucking show on TV. And there has to be some sort of connection to that because there's always been a shitload of guns and a shitload of people that had them.

And I literally think like it's like the ice bucket challenge for psychos. They just fuck remember that everybody saw every doing the ice bucket challenge so then everybody had to start dumping fucking water over their heads instead of just giving money. I never understood that. It's like what is the cause? Okay, that's a good cause. I mean, I don't have to ruin my shirt for it, do I? Would you like some money? I'm willing to give you some. So I would love to see if they could experiment just not giving it any coverage. And then it would just fade away like an old pop star, I think. I don't know. That's my two because other than that, I don't have any fucking solution for it.

Just fucking horrific how anybody could fucking do something like that. But anyways, back to the comedy. Back to the comedy. Oh my god, this is one of these fucking days. Some days doing a podcast is easy, you know, it's like falling out of bed. Well, it's not a fucking it's the one thing is it's like getting out of bed rolling out of bed. It's like taking a nap. Is that an easy thing? We asked people, a hundred people did a survey said name the top five things are easy. You know, bad I would suck on fucking the Family Feud. I can't say the name of the show, the Family Feud. Name something that's easy to do. Mr. Burr, fall out of bed.

Show me fall out of bed. Sullivan family with a chance to steal. I'd be that last family member, you know what I mean? Fucking do it all the way down the end. You know, families only have so many smart people and it seems when you watch the Family Feud, it stops around three. Is there five people on that show? It's always the last two. You know, somebody always just says something that sucks. Well, you should really do I think well, how would you do that? It's almost like a batting lineup with intelligence. Okay, because you got to have your lead off hitter. You know, you got to have somebody bat and clean up and then you get, you know,

you got your pitcher bat and knife. If we're going by National League rules here, right? What do you do? Do you put the dummy up front when all the answers are still on the board? Name a word that begins with a apple, bing, number one answer, right? Or do you just leave that guy down the end and hope that everybody else, you know, does a good job? I wonder if there's fights. You know, when somebody finds out, yeah, hey, we're going to have you all the way down to the end, basically the right field of intelligence. We're going to have you all the way down the fucking end. Now, it's the person too stupid to realize that that's where the dumbest person is.

You know, everybody needs to get a hit. Everybody needs to get a hit because this motherfucker is going to get a strike. All right, just put him all the fuck way down. He's going to get the least at bats in theory. They should have a fucking a week of all those fucking people down the ends. You know, you just make super families out of that last person, just the dumbest motherfuckers ever. What would you call it? Family feud. Fucking dope week. Who else that shows it still Steve Harvey, he would probably run out of looks to give the crowd. Anyway, so I'm here in Chicago, this fucking and I gotta I gotta I gotta get back

on my goddamn diet. You know, I was looking good before I did this six week run. I had my whole fucking future ahead of me. You know, it's fucking hilarious. I'm going to the heart doctor next week to get my ticker checked out. Six weeks ago, again, phenomenal shape of your age. I was going to be like, hey, probably want to lose seven pounds. I could do it though. I'm going to be that you know what I'm going to be? I'm going to be that fucking guy that loses weight during the holidays. You know, there's only one way to do that. You gotta be homeless. Nobody loves you. I don't care how much of an asshole you are when it's a holiday, somebody's going to make cookies, right? Those stupid little tins. You walk over, you open it up,

you know, is that voice in the back of your head? What are you doing? What are you doing? And then you shout it down with, you know, I'm going to go to the gym in January. I'm going to start the year with a giant fucking steamship round for a fucking torso. I can't do it, man. I'm disgusted with myself. Look what you did, Bill. You had a good thing going. You fucking ruined it. I haven't watched any sports. I don't even know what's going on anymore, right? Red Sox one of the World Series and I just been fucking flying high. I haven't watched anything. I know the late. What about fucking Duke just absolutely kicking the fucking shit out of Kentucky? And once again, once again, they got it, they got another guy. How do they fucking do it? Duke versus

Kentucky. Now, how does that work? Do they just have this shit just to like for the ratings so they can figure out who's who's the best team? Does this actually count? Is it like soccer where they have a friendly shut up? You know, the soccer is like, you know, we're playing, but it doesn't doesn't mean anything. Look at that 75 47 with 14 minutes to go. Are you fucking kidding me? They scored 75 points and a half. I think just can't be. It can't be 118 to 84. That's like a fucking NBA score. They still let up 84 points though. I don't know. I don't know how the fuck that works, but it did somehow.

I'll tell you what them Duke blue devils. They put a whipping on that fucking wildcats from Kentucky. All right, let me do a couple of reads here. Everybody saw the everyone at some point is wish they could just have a just have beer, wine or liquor delivered. Well, someone finally decided to do something about it. Introducing Sothe the alcohol delivery app. Sothe delivers your favorite wine, beer and liquor right to Yadilla on demand. Now if you'll now if you live in Los Angeles, the Bay area, Chicago, San Diego or Sacramento, your Sothe order will arrive at Yadilla in under 30 minutes ready to drink. Now, why didn't they say Los Angeles, the Bay area, San Diego, Sacramento and then

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Because it's kind of weird to be an adult wearing a fucking onesie. Maybe one of those those adult babies, you know, sitting a fucking crib because you can't deal with reality. Well, I guess, you know, that's just another segment of the population that's trying to make money off of. So, you know, God bless them. Me on D's has a great offer for my listeners. For first time purchasers, when you purchase any me on D's, you get 15% off and free shipping. This is a no brainer. Get 15% off the most comfortable on D's you will ever put on. To get your 15% off your first pair, free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to me on D's.com slash bird. That's me on D's.com slash bar. All right, what's left? Oh, butcher box.

All right, butcher box. That reminds me, I looked up battle acts today. It's just a fucking funny thing. I tried to talk to that fucking battle acts over there, you know. I always thought that meant an ugly woman. It just means a woman who doesn't take any shit and she's difficult. Right? You know, I don't know. I always thought like a battle acts that looked bad. It was all fucked up looking because she went to battle on it. So, you've seen her face look like a battle acts. I guess it wasn't a determined. Let's look up the definition of battle acts, shall we? My God, call your wife that and see what the fuck happens. Yeah, you fucking battle acts. All right, battle acts meaning is a term generally considered a

pejorative. Do you know how many times I've looked up pejorative? That's like when they said the Democrats won the house. I was like, oh my God, what does that mean? Every election I have to look up. What does the fucking house do versus what does the Senate do? I thought they were all, aren't they all at the Capitol? Is one side the house, the other side's the Senate? I don't know. I just picture you go in there and all you hear is the sound of loafers walking on marble. All right, expressing contempt or disapproval, pejorative. Can you use it in a sentence, please? Oh, it gives a fuck. I don't even care anymore. All right, a battle acts.

You fucking battle acts. Where is it? Okay, so it's, well, what just happened? Oh, there it is. All right, a battle acts is a term generally considered pejorative for an aggressive, domineering and forceful woman. Oh, this is the female word for cocksucker. Guy's a dick. Ah, she's a fucking battle acts. And he's a fucking dick. Battle acts is just funnier. The battle acts is one of several stereotypes found in nursing, a tyrannical fierce matron exemplified by nurse ratchet, or Haiti shock in popular medical dramas and comedies. Why the fuck is, why is everybody picking on nurses?

I don't know. It's kind of my goal this week. I'm going to call somebody a battle acts. I would never call my wife that. She's too fucking cute. What's the worst thing I ever called my wife? I don't call, I don't, I don't do the name calling thing. Most other ways. Stop being such a fucking asshole. Leave me alone. Just leave me alone. All right. All right. Butcher box everybody. Butcher box delivers healthy 100% grass fed and grass finished beef, free range organic chicken, and heritage bread pork. Oh, do you owe it to yourself to eat one of those fucking pigs? The incredible quality of butcher box meats start with the commitment to raising animals

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You know, probably because our pigs are out eating fucking McDonald's, you know, grew up on peanut butter and fluff and utter or some shit. I don't know what the hell these fucking uppity goddamn heritage bread pork were doing, but whatever they did, they taste fucking delicious. Anyways, for $20 off your first box and two pounds of free ground beef in every box for the life of your subscription, that's $20 off your first box and two pounds of free meat a month. That's a lot of fucking meat. Quarter pounder, right? That'd be eight quarter pounders. How many days are in a month? Well, bill depends on the month. All right, relax. And for people who are already butcher box subscribers, you'll have a special deal on

ground beef you can take advantage of by logging into your account. Go to butcherbox.com slash burr and enter promo code burr at checkout. Once again, butcherbox.com slash burr and enter burr at checkout. Okay. All right, let's get back to this fucking bullshit over here. Let me see, you know, I'm gonna look at this is just I like searching dumb shit like this. Top 10 worst things you can call your girlfriend. Here we go. I just popped up. All right, let's see what we got here. But let's play the feud. All right, let's see my top 10. Number one would be cunt. Number two would be bitch. Hors got to be in their slut battle axe. Heifer. Jesus Christ. That's all I got.

That's got to be something else. What else can I call you fucking? That's kind of covers it, right? Bimbo. Dumb dumb. I'm just wrong. I'm just becoming a fucking second grader. All right, the 10 worst things you can call a female. Who made this list? What? How did I end up looking this up? What the fuck is wrong? The 10th worst things you can call a woman. Number 10, bitch. This is probably the most common term used straight into the point, yet not as degrading because of its immense popularity and common use. Well, it depends on, on, yeah, like, I think if black women, if you call them a bitch, it means more. White women, for some reason, white women really don't like cunt. And I think

white people say cunt a lot. I don't know that black people say cunt, which would be fucking hilarious. At least American black people. I haven't seen it, you know? Not like I'm out here doing a cunt survey, but I'm just generally speaking to people that I talk to. Anyways, I find black people will add, you know, add to bitch, stank bitch or something like that, but they never seem to make the leap to cunt. White people like bitches just say, she's a bitch, you know? Well, she's really being a bitch, she's a cunt. And that's how it works, everybody. All right, number nine, cow. Speaking of Butcher Box, cow. The only reason this is so low in the list is because it never comes as a surprise. A fat chick knows she's a fat chick. Oh, Jesus Christ. She knows she's a fat chick. In fact, sometimes they

even embrace it. So in rare cases, this can actually backfire. Now, I don't think, I don't think this works. I don't believe in that. And who wants to be called a fucking cow? That is funny, though. You fucking cow. Cow's funnier than pig. What do you say? You're fat pig. You're fat cow. There's something about cow. Maybe it's the sound. It says ow, you know, this owl is in there. It hurts. It's a hurtful thing. Slut. Number seven, whore slash hoe. Number six is slob. Wait a second. I didn't mind when you called me a whore, but when you said I was a slob, that was it. Skank, pig, bimbo, slut, smut bag. Oh, this is worse than my list. And then cunt. Yep. You knew cunt was going to be number one.

All right. Now let's be fair. Let's be fair to the ladies here. All right. Top 10 worst things you can call your boyfriend. This is how you kill time in the road as a comedian, by the way. All right. This is hilarious. Women have 25 things that they call guys. They really do talk more, don't they? 25 worst pet names for your lover, things you don't want to call your lover, 50 horrible nicknames for your significant, the 13 worst pet names. What not to say to your boyfriend? All right, here we go. I would imagine when he takes his dick out, they go, is that it?

It tickles. All right. Number one, you're so much better than all the other jerks I've dated. Yeah, because that makes them immediately think, well, how much cock has been in you? Can you really afford that? This is just one of these classic things. It's like, did they even ask guys, can you really afford that? Can you really afford that? Yeah, I can. No, I can't. Thank you for stopping me from making this bad purchase. That seems like a concerned girlfriend. So we're running a little late. Relax. All right. So running a little late comes with the territory, but if there's a preemptive relax before I flipped out, that would bug me. Although I don't know if this makes my top 10.

He's a great guy. You should be friends with him. Yeah, that means you guys used to fuck or you're about ready to. Number five, she made me promise not to tell, but that's not surprising. None of you can keep your fucking mouth shut, including guys. Number six, don't be silly. I haven't done that in ages. I don't know what that means. What are we talking about? You want some heroin? Don't be silly. I haven't done that in ages. Okay, put it in your ass. Don't be silly. I haven't done that in ages. Yeah, it's kind of a weird answer. No matter what you were asked. Would you like some cereal? Don't be silly. I haven't done that in ages.

Anyways, number 10. Oh, 10 sentences he'd be psyched to hear. Number one, boy, nothing helps me wind down after a long day at work like giving you a blow job. Okay, that's never been said. Number two, what did this became like wacky dick jokes? All right. That was Cosmo, everybody. All right, I need to drink more fucking, I guess, vitamin C. It's inevitable. I gotta do two shows tonight. All right. Oh, Freckles is gonna get sick. First cold of the year. Didn't even make it to fucking December, you know. All right, well, thank you once again to everybody who came

out to Madison Square Garden. Thank you to Gotham Comedy Club for the after party. Thank you for to the West Side Comedy Club for helping me tune up my shit earlier in the week. And I think that's it. Thank you. Everybody showed up. All right, enjoy the music and a continued special half hour of I guess greatest hits from a Thursday podcast from earlier this year or 10 years ago. I have no idea. Oh, by the way, I got some great fucking video to backstage that we will be putting up on the Patreon page from the beginning of the show and the end of the show. Very excited about it. That is all. Have a great weekend, you bitches. I can't say cunt, right? I don't want to offend you. Right? Huh? You slobs? Oh, are you not going to listen to the podcast anymore? All right, go fuck

you. When you were a baby in your crib, your father looked down at you. He had but one home. Someday my son will grow to be a me. We'll look at you now. You just got your asses whipped by a bunch of goddamn nerds. Nerds! Well, if I was you, I'd do something about it. I would get up and redeem myself

in the eyes of my father, my maker, and my coach. Let's get those nerds. Hey, it's Bill Burr. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 8, 2010. I hope these levels aren't too fucking high. I had to really crank that up so you could actually hear that speech that I hope there's actually some New England Patriots listening. That goes out to the New England Patriots, everybody. After that fucking shellacking, that rape that they took at the hands of the fucking hapless Cleveland Browns. The fucking hapless Cleveland Browns. Why are these levels so fucking high? Hang on a second. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. What's going on here?

Hello. Hello. Test one, two. Bill Burr, Monday morning podcast. There we go. Is that better? Is that better? Jesus Christ. We got fucking killed. Absolutely fucking killed. By a white running back, everybody. You know something? I'm going to go out on a limb. I think the white running back or fullback. Let's not get crazy now. Let's not get crazy. The fullback. That fucking white dude who just doesn't feel pain. He'll fucking kill him. That guy, that dude is back. Mongo. Remember that fucking white dude who rode the bull in blazing saddles? Put a helmet on that guy. That's who the fucking pats went up against yesterday.

Jesus Christ. You should have seen this fucking guy. He had a face mask. His face mask looked like the front of a Dodge Ram pickup truck. It looked like the grill of that Dodge Ram pickup truck. The second you see his face mask, you know what he's doing. He's getting the ball. He's going right up the fucking middle. He's not running around the side like some fairy fucking running back. He's coming right up the fucking gut. And that's exactly what that guy did all goddamn day long. He was stiff arming defensive ends like they were cornerbacks. Just sort of throwing them aside. It was, it was one of the most dominating performances that I've seen in a while. And so that was a little inspirational fucking speech

for my team because next week we're playing the Pittsburgh's and I was already worried about that game, but this is the interesting thing about how football works is if the Patriots went in and actually beat the Browns. I was thinking that, okay, if we beat the Browns and then we go up seven and one, we are going to get up. What happened in Cleveland was going to happen in Pittsburgh, but now for some fucking reason, this is how it seems to work that we lost in Cleveland. We'll actually be way more competitive. I still think we're going to lose in Pittsburgh. Our defense is fucking horrific. It's horrific, you know,

it's fucking frustrating to be going through, you know, it's actually not bad to be going through a fucking a rebuilding year. You know, and I know a lot of you guys out there just because it's the Patriots, you still think it's the fucking championship team, go get yourself a little team roster thing and look who's left. You know, our whole offense is built around throwing to two rookie fucking tight ends and Brady was off yesterday kept throwing everything through the fucking roof, right? I'm sitting there talking to these people in this sports bar, actually found a cool one where it was kind of mellow and there wasn't really, you know, there's like this insane one around the corner where people, it's just like you can't even go

in there with your team colors on because if your team is losing that day, you're going to want to fight somebody. It's one of those places and it's just not an enjoyable experience. So I found this other one where they have like nice, like, you know, it's just nice. The decor is nice. It doesn't have that fucking date rape vibe like a lot of sports bars do, you know, that fucking awful vibe, the pent up just fucking the amount of fucking just pent up, you know, and then they got those fucking girls always got to dress like runaways, the waitresses. It's just creepy. The whole fucking vibe is creepy. I don't like it. And it's just, yeah, this is awful. So I found this other sports bar that was, you know, actually way more mellow.

And I'm sitting there, right? And I come walking and by the time I get there, it's already 10 to nothing Cleveland. And I sit down as this dude next to me already drinking beers. The game comes on at like fucking 10 in the morning. He's clearly on like his third beer. I didn't realize he was shitfaced. I go, Jesus Christ, they go 10 to nothing. I go, I go, I go, what happened? And he looks at me, he's like, Cleveland is up 10 nothing. I was just like, all right, man. Thank you. Thank you for fucking. Thank you for clearing that up, you know. And Jesus Christ. And they just stopped. It was awful. We just got the living shit kicked out of it. And you know what was funny was last week, uh, this week I got, I got a ton of emails from Jets fans. It was very surprising because

last week I didn't get any from, you know, last week when they lost to the Packers nine to nothing at home, I got like two emails from Jets fans. And then this week it was weird. You know, because I was like, wow, did, did the Jets fans not exist anymore? Then this week, all of a sudden I get this whole avalanche. Now look, I know all Jets fans and all sports fans aren't like that because a lot of you didn't send me emails either fucking way, but those, those fucking sports pussies who fucking lay in the weeds until their team wins and then they get out and start talking shit. You know, let me ask you guys this because I've been just sitting here trashing the Jets all year. Just let me ask you this real honestly, honestly, do you really think

you're going to win the Superbowl with that team? You know, because I have such blind hatred for the fucking Jets after the shit talking that they did at the beginning of the year. Honestly, do you really think that that team has what the fuck it takes? All right, set aside, you're hot. Seriously, eekin out a victory against the Lions. You eeked out a victory against the dolphins and you eeked one out against the Broncos. Two out of three of those games were it not for a bonehead fucking penalty by the other goddamn team. You know, you could have lost one or maybe both of those to add to your two fucking losses. Now, if I'm a jet fan, I got to be thinking. No, if I'm a jet fan, I got to be thinking that one thing I got going for myself

is that nobody is dominating in the AFC. Nobody is. You know, that's the one thing that I would take. I would take pride in the fact because the Jets have not really dominated anybody. Have they? They kicked the shit out of the Patriots, but that wasn't until the second. Well, actually, it was the second half. Second half of the second quarter they did. But other than that, I don't know. I'm not too impressed. I think that their fucking offensive line might be the best in the league and Sanchez just sits back there in a fucking lawn chair. But I think if they actually go up against, I don't know, the Giants. Yeah, I just, I don't fucking see it. You know, what I basically saying is that when Joe Namath finally dies, I hate to say it. I think you guys are

going to have to get him stuffed and mounted so you can still wheel him out onto the field to get to get that. He's like your new Rockney. And then he can stick one of those things in the side of his neck where you just pull the fucking, you pull it and the string and he starts talking. I think the Jets are going to make a great play. I want to kiss you. You just have it sort of half fucking shit-faced half inspirational speech. Oh, Jesus. So next week we play the fucking Steelers and I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen. I think we're actually going to have a nice competitive fucking game with them somehow. It makes no sense, which is why I have to stop fucking gambling because I got to admit as much,

I can't even say it really hurt because I don't give a fuck about Cleveland. And I also, you know, it's no surprise that our defense sucks. The game that pissed me off the most yesterday was the fucking Kansas City Chiefs game. These were my picks yesterday, okay? I got this thing going Paul Versey, right? You got to pick four games a fucking week. The end of the year, the guy takes the pot, right? So I got the cheat. I got the, I got the Bears against Buffalo Bears given three. I tied that game, right? Then I picked Tampa. I had Tampa against Atlanta getting eight and a half. I fucking won that game. I had Green Bay given seven, whatever the fuck against the hapless fucking Cowboys, right? 2-0 and 1. Nobody's gone undefeated. I had the fucking Kansas City Chiefs.

Those fucking assholes won the goddamn game and just decided to give it away. I really want to blame the fucking refs, but that fucking Matt Castle, he just, he just drove me fucking nuts. Those fucking receivers not catching the ball. Fuck the Kansas City Chiefs. Fucking goddamn assholes. Do you see that fucking call, Chiefs fans? Do you see that pass interference call? The end of the fucking game when the Raiders were down by two. I can see, this is why I think it's fixed and this is why I think I'm gonna, I would never gamble other than just with a buddy. Like I don't, I honestly, I don't know how you fucking gamblers do it because the level of fucking emotions that you go through

when you have money on the game is nothing, nothing compared to you just loving your hometown team. All those fucking douchebags who go out to the Raiders game and they fucking dress like Spock or whatever the fuck it is Spock with like spikes coming out of their shoulders as much as they think that they give a fuck. You know, you don't give a fuck as much as some guy who's not even from Oakland who's got money on that fucking game. I'm telling you, why the fucking levels so goddamn low? I think it's time to get a new recorder here. People have been bitching a little bit saying the levels are a little bit quiet here. Gotta make sure I got this shit going here. Hello, test one, there we go. All right, so anyways, when that fucking ref called that pass interference

and then they show the replay and the announcers are just like, oh, let's see what's going on here. Doesn't seem to be any contact. Well, gee, Mike, I'll tell you, I didn't see anything. And then they just continue on. Nobody starts going, well, why the fuck do you call something that didn't even happen? You know, I mean, I can see missing some shit that happened. It's like fucking 22 goddamn people out there running around. How the fuck are you supposed to see everything? But how do you call some shit that didn't even fucking happen? I swear to God, I think it's fucking fixed. On some level, something fucked up is going on. And I challenged my listeners. All right, you fuckers, defend that. How was, you know,

I'm just selling some asshole who lost money on a fucking game. How do you call some shit that didn't happen? I get it. 22 fucking people. I get how you can miss something. It's like standing in Grand Central Station. Everybody's going every which way. So I mean, oh my God, do you see that? That homeless guy just took his shit on the floor. Did you see that? Actually, I didn't. I was staring at that chick's tits. I missed it. I get that. But how do you call fucking 15 yards for shit on the floor and there's no shit on the floor? That's a stupid fucking example. This is how mad I was so fucking mad when the refs missed that goddamn call and gave a fucking, I didn't miss the call, just invented that fucking call and gave the

fucking raiders a first down. And then I see that that fat fuck dude who got caught with the date rape drug warming up his leg. And I know he can kick it from fucking Siberia. So I almost like this game's fucking over. It's going to go into OT and I shut the game off. And I just, I picked up the remote control and I just started fucking just just slamming it methodically. Like that fucking sling blade guy right down on Dwight Yokem's fucking head. Just just I actually, I got so fucking mad out of out of just courtesy to my girl. I just, I walked, I grabbed my fucking hoodie and I just started walking started walking up the street like fuck. I didn't know where I was going. Tourette's fucking goddamn fucking piece of shit fucking

refs no fucking way. I don't fucking fucking call something that didn't even fucking happen. I should be three. I don't want fucking people walking by with their pugs just staring at me. I'm trying to act like I'm talking on my cell phone. I'm not talking to myself. I'm talking to that fucking ref. That piece of shit ref I swear to God, if I was running the fucking league and at the end of the game, some fucking ref made a goddamn call that that that overtly affected the point spread and he made a call. It didn't even fucking happen. That son of a bitch would be in my office Monday fucking morning. I'd have his phone bill laying on the table, his visa, mastercard bills, his fucking passport, all of his shit. And I would be looking at his life and

I would figure out who the fuck this guy owes money to that you can make a horseshit call like that. All right, I'm back. And that's what happened to me. I fucking walked up to hell. So goddamn pissed. I started walking into the goddamn hills, walking up to the street and the sun's going down. Right. I get to the top of the goddamn hill and I realize I'm right at the foot of this fucking park that has a bunch of goddamn coyotes. You know, and I'm not there. I'm not there with my fucking pit bull. I don't have my security with me and I'm just walking up there and then I was thinking like Jesus Christ, what if I get mauled to death by a pack of coyotes? That would be the dumbest death ever. Comedian mauled to death by coyotes

because the chiefs didn't cover against the raiders. And right there, I was just like, you know what? This gambling shit is the dumbest shit you could ever do to yourself. If you've never gambled, don't do it. Don't put money on a game. It literally, it ruins your football Sunday. It fucking ruins it. It's losing money on a game. I'm telling you, it's so much worse than just watching your team lose. You know, your team loses, they fucking lose, but you still, you can still go out and go buy yourself a slice of pizza, right? You know, maybe that key chain you had your eye on. All right, that's enough. That's enough with the sports this fucking week, I believe. So congratulations to the Cleveland Browns fans.

I'm actually in some weird way. It's kind of hard because you beat my team. I'm actually excited that you guys look like maybe you finally picked the right quarterback. After years of, you know, the Cleveland Browns is sort of like the Chicago Bears or the East. You know, where they just, I don't know, they always get that Cade Mcnown, Tim Couch, or whatever the fuck his name, or they always get that guy, that guy who was the fifth runner-up Heisman Trophy guy, you know, and they did it again this year with Colt McCoy and he looked great. He fucking looked great. Stepping up into the pocket, ran one for a touchdown. He was fucking rolling out, throwing the ball on the run like fucking Doug Flutey.

I don't know, whatever. What the fuck are you going to do? God damn it. We got raped. We got raped in Cleveland, right next to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, just to add insult to injury. And then I got to get all these emails from these Jets fans. You know, they were all laying in the fucking weeds, just waiting for the Patriots to lose. You know, I was amazed at how quickly I got the emails from them, considering they had to clean four quarters in one OT of shit out of their pants. If you are going to, if you are going to gamble, I got to tell you, I mean, the cat might be out of the bag, but there's, I love teams right now like Cleveland, the Lions,

who else? There was one other one, the Rams. If those teams are on the road and they're getting any sort of sizable points, I would go with those guys just because they have competitive fucking teams like they just, Lions had a great fucking draft and they keep being like fucking five point underdogs and that type of shit. I don't know. Then they blow it in the fucking end. That's the only thing, because if they let up a touchdown, then you lose. That's all fucking fixed. How could it not be fixed? How do they pick the perfect fucking number every goddamn week? How do they do that? You know, if it's so fucking hard for me, I don't get it. Like, literally be like, if I picked one game a week, I should have a 50, 50 chance of winning it,

right? And after 16, 17 weeks with the buy, I should be, you know, 500 one game over one game under, right? I should be nine and eight or eight and nine and it never works out that way. Somehow you, you lose like 60% of the fucking time. I don't get it. There are any mathematicians out there that can fucking help me out. I'm all goddamn years. That piece of shit fucking ref. This is what happens to when you gamble, then you start fucking knowing the names of referees. And that's when you have a fucking problem. You start knowing the names of backup punters. I guess some people know that shit nowadays. Those fantasy football playing people. Dude, I got them on my fantasy team.

What a fuck on my questions for the week. All right, that was 20 minutes of sports. I really, let's talk politics. Let's talk politics. The elections were this past week. Where are you guys excited? Are you excited that we took the country back? How many times are we going to do that in these elections? You know, like two years ago, I remember everything was the Republicans fault. And then they vote in all Democrats and people like, yeah, we took the country back, right? Two years fucking later, they vote in all Republicans and they say the exact same fucking thing. This is the theme this week is that everything is fucking rigged.

You can't tell me you can't, you don't notice that no matter who you put in now, it doesn't really make a difference that there's sort of this, this common, they're towing this the same line. Anybody, anybody noticed that none of them are talking about bankers and how they took a trillion dollars? No one's talking about that and just kept the shit. No one's talking about that. No one's talking about how all these companies have fucking taken all the manufacturing out of this country. We probably need to reverse NAFTA. That'd probably be a good fucking idea. No one's talking about that. Democrat or Republican, they all just, I think it's time to get this country back to work. Everybody starts screaming

like something's going to fucking happen. You know, Federal Reserve just printed another $600 million out of thin fucking air and just buying up bonds. Nobody's, nobody's talking about that shit. Nothing, nothing. All they're talking about is fucking family values and getting people back to work and hard work in Americans and all this lip service, you know, and then people vote Democrat or Republican, right? Which is your fucking right. But then whenever I tell them, I voted for somebody outside those two parties who actually says, hey, why don't we audit the Federal Reserve? Why don't we figure out why they're a private corporation yet somehow print the money for this country? They always tell me that that's a waste of a vote. So then you vote for

fucking, I don't get it. I really don't fucking get it. So I'll give this shit. This whole country's going down the fucking shitter. Everybody's just sitting there yelling at each other, fucking tea party, screaming at people. I fucking give it. You know, I just find the whole thing unbelievably fucking depressing. I think the world is run by sociopaths and who manipulate morons. You know, you got this whole sea of morons could fill up the Pacific Ocean with the amount of morons, you know, tell me what to think those people. And then the sociopaths tell them what to think and whoever's the best at telling them what to think wins. Gee, Bill, that was fucking deep. I know, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. You know what it is? I just like the people who

I don't know. I don't mind me explaining. I just like people who just go, this is bullshit. This is fucking fixed. I like those guys. I don't like people who go, you know, you know, who are into Jesus. You know what this podcast went off the fucking rails at least three minutes ago. I don't even want to say, you know, I'm so fucking stupid that I don't even realize that I'm one of those morons in the Pacific Ocean that here I am trying to have this deep fucking thought about politics and I don't even have the fucking wherewithal the brain power to even convey my own thoughts. So with that, let's go with the obscure sports stat of the week. This is a new, this is for all the sports nerds out there. This is the obscure sports stat of the

week. This is a new segment. All right. This is something I didn't realize is how much teams from Massachusetts, from Boston have dominated St. Louis. Here's this. I was in St. Louis two weeks ago and somebody hit me with this stat. All right. Well, the last time the St. Louis Cardinals lost a World Series, they lost to the Boston Red Sox. The last time the city of St. Louis lost the Super Bowl, they lost to the New England Patriots. The last time the city of St. Louis lost to Stanley Cup Finals game, they lost to the Boston Bruins. And the most obscure of obscure, the last time St. Louis lost in NBA Finals in 1960, 61, the St. Louis Hawks lost to the Boston Celtics. We fucking own you guys, St. Louis. You hear me? We've owned you since 60, 61. And what have you

done about it? Nothing. All right. I'm bored shitless with sports too. Let's, let's move on here. Um, what do we got here? Oh, last week I asked you guys, you know, I was talking about that woman who kept clearing her throat in a really annoying way behind me on the plane. And I presented this question to you. I said, what, what would happen if the most interesting man in the world met the most annoying woman on the planet? What would happen? And I asked you guys for your theories and I got a bunch of them and I'm going to try to read them now and not fuck it up. Um, this is what people had to say. Without saying a word, he can make even the biggest cunt shut up and do the fucking dishes because he is the most interesting man in the world.

All right. That's theory number one, theory number two, most entering most interesting man plus cuntiest woman equals most miserable man. That's pretty much it, Bill. That is if your question implied an inherent attraction between the two. If it's just like a chance encounter, like at a party or something like that, the most interesting man would probably just say, you're such an annoying cunt and he'd be on his merry way. However, if the two decided to form a relationship, the most annoying woman would just siphon everything interesting away from the most interesting man chiseling him down to a being that could equate her level of unjustifiable existence. And then he writes, wow, that's depressing. Someone should advertise

some PSAs or something. There is no shame in a harrowing hunt. So please do not settle for an annoying cunt. I'm brought to you by the people who hate cunty throat clearers allocated to their immediate ear space. Um, all right, let's move on with YouTube videos for the week. I'm going to blow through some topics here just for some people because I really, I gotta, I gotta tone down the sports on this fucking thing. It's just becoming the fucking beer and wings podcast here. Uh, YouTube, YouTube videos of the week, uh, look at garbage day original. All these, by the way, will be up on the mmpodcast.com. Uh, look at garbage day original. And this one right here, this one is for me. And I think this is one of the greatest fucking lines ever uttered in, uh,

in movies, ever, certainly in any sort of teen movie that was, uh, that's about teens rebelling. This movie is called over the edge. I believe it came out in 1979. Oh yeah. So it's over the edge, 1979, part nine. And, uh, and just looking at that, and you know, I also started off with Revenge of the Nerds, that speech on this podcast. It kind of made me, uh, just think of some classic movies, good and bad. Uh, here's Al, look up Al Pacino, uh, great ass extended version. Um, one of the greatest actors of all time with one of the worst performances I've ever seen in my life. And, uh, what else do I got? Incident at Subway. Check that one out. Some kid at Subway wants to fight every somebody behind the counter. Ah, Jesus. I don't know what's going on. Um,

Nino! Uh, what else? Underrated, overrated. What happened to this podcast? Something at 22 minutes happened at this podcast. You know what it is? As I went outside and I'm still wearing my fucking hooded sweatshirt, and I think I'm getting too fucking hot and it's siphoning all the goddamn funny out. But now I can't take it off because I have my fucking headphones on. So I got to lay the microphone down as I slowly take this fucking. All right, here we go. Now I'm ready. Oh, I remember what I was going to do. I was going to tell you guys the story this week. I did, uh, this awesome, unbelievable fucking gig. Um, it was, uh, the Bob Woodruff fund, whatever you call it, uh, Jesus Christ. I really thought

that this story was going to get the podcast going again. What the fuck was it called? The Bob Woodruff, uh, charity fund auction thing. Bob Woodruff is a reporter. Uh, he was in Iraq. He got hit by a roadside bomb, made a miraculous recovery. And this is the fourth annual one where they raise money for his foundation. That's the word I was looking for his fucking foundation to raise money for it for, uh, you know, for troops who've been injured and bad on that type of thing. Just one of those, those, those charities, you just cannot say no to, you have to do it. And, uh, it was all the way back in New York city at the beacon theater, uh, for music fans out there. They know that the almond brothers have been doing the beacon run for like the last 30 fucking years.

So already I'm thrilled to be there just because I'm going to be standing on the same stage as Dwayne Almond. And, uh, and I showed up in the lineup that I went on was the most insane lineup I have ever been on, um, in my career. This was the lineup. All right. Max Weinberg was there and he put together this big band. So they're out there fucking killing it. John Stewart was the host. He goes out and he kills it talking about politics in a very funny way, unlike the horseshit that I did on my podcast. Uh, he fucking kills it. Then he brings out Tony Bennett, Tony fucking Bennett who sings two songs, absolutely kills it sounds as good as he did 40, 50 years ago, just kills it. Then they bring out John Stewart comes back out, does some more jokes, kills again.

Then he brings out Bruce Springsteen fucking Bruce Springsteen goes out there and just fucking owns the stage, sliding around, jumping up on the piano, tells and telling jokes, just, just fucking kills it. Uh, then they had an auction. These fucking rich people's played like 150 grand for one of Bruce Springsteen's guitars, raised all this money. Then the second half of the show, they bring out Joel McHale, who had to go on after Tony Bennett and fucking Bruce Springsteen and he still somehow killed it. Then I went up and then the final act of the evening was Jerry Seinfeld. What's the deal? Jerry fucking Seinfeld, the king, the master, right? And I'm on stage when I went out there and my whole nervousness of the night was not going on after those people

was my nervousness was the fact that nobody had said fuck yet and it was a benefit, you know, and people talking about tragedy and I was going to go out there and my opening bit was talking about you know, hitting women. So I'm backstage, just like mind fucking myself going, ah, God, it's going to be too harsh. I shouldn't curse. Jerry's going to get mad at me. The second I curse, he's going to look at me like I'm not even a comedian, you know, and I so badly want his fucking approval, you know, so I'm sitting there freaking out and finally my agent just goes, dude, do you see what Springsteen just did? He went out, he just does what he does, jumps on pianos, just go out there, do what the fuck you do. I was like, you know what, you're right,

you're right. So I went out there and I definitely, I didn't say fuck as much as I usually did, but I went out there, I did my, you know, hit by women, hitting women, all that type of shit, I fucking killed. And when I get off stage, I'm walking and Jerry's going on next. So I'm walking off the stage and there he is fucking Seinfeld, who at this point it's like, it's like looking at Elvis goddamn icon, he's standing there in his suit, just ready to go to work. And I walk by him, I'm just, I'm just wincing, waiting for him to just completely blow me off or just be like, why did you say fuck so much? You know, and I walk by him and he fucking sticks his hand out and he just goes really funny stuff, really, really funny stuff. And I was just like, oh, thanks a lot.

You know, I tried not to curse so much out of respect for you going on, going on next. And he goes, well, I don't care. Then I felt like an idiot. I'm sitting and being all nervous, like a little school girl. And I just realized like, wait a minute, Jerry has always worked totally fucking clean. He came up in the late seventies, right through the eighties with all these, these bar room hack comics doing blow. I mean, the amount of shit that that guy had to go on after working squeaky fucking clean. He can't follow me. Well, what the hell was I thinking? No, I'd think that he couldn't follow me. I think that he would be annoyed. And then I stood there, you know, like feeling like I was 90 miles in the air because he said that he thought that I was

funny, or that I had good stuff. And then I watched him go out there and it just absolute not to bring up sports again, but I guess I have to, you know, any port in a fucking storm here. It was like watching, you know, when somebody is just, just has the, just the perfect swing, perfect jump shot, their form or whatever, that, that's what it was like. There was just everything that he did. There wasn't one wasted word, one wasted movement, everything. Okay. You want to talk movies? It's like toy story. You go to see toy story. It's like every line in the movie just propels the thing forward. There's not a line of fat in that fucking script. And it's just, just like his act. And he goes out there and just, just absolutely fucking destroyed.

And it was awesome. The other night that I had that ever compared to that was one night I was down at the comedy cellar in the, in the village in New York city. And that's the club where if you want to see, if go out and see great comedy, or if you want to see possibly somebody super famous, that's a comedian, just drop in and do a set. That's where I would go. And it used to happen all the time. And one night I was down the cellar and give me naming a lot of names here, but I, I never named names of the podcast, but there's nothing bad about this story. So Godfrey was hosting the show. And you know, I was supposed to, I think, I think it was me, I was going on next, but all of a sudden, you know, I can't really tell the story without saying the names. This is

basically just imagine you're sitting in the fucking crowd. All right, you're just seeing no name hacks like me going up. And all of a sudden the host goes, Hey, everybody, we got a very special guest that just dropped by wanting to do like five minutes. You might recognize this guy from the hit TV show. Everybody loves Raymond, please welcome Ray Romano and Ray walks on stage and the crowd goes fucking nuts. Holy fuck, Ray Romano, right? And as he's on stage, Seinfeld and Chris Rock show up. And they also want to go on. All right, this has happened once in 20 years of me doing standup. This was the most unbelievable night, right? So they go downstairs. Ray Romano finishes. So Godfrey goes back up and he kept doing these great intros that was making the crowd

lose their shit. He goes, keep going for a month. He goes, All right, we got another special guest just dropped in. You might recognize this guy from the Chris Rock show. Please welcome Chris Rock and then the fucking place standing ovation. Holy fuck. We got fucking Ray Romano and Chris Rock and now at this point, every comic knows that Seinfeld is waiting in the wings. So we're all standing there huddled down a little hallway waiting to watch this crowd lose its fucking shit like those soccer moms on fucking Oprah, right? Chris Rock kills it. Godfrey goes up, Chris Rock, everybody, crowd is like out of breath from fucking laughing. And then he goes, we had another guest drop by at this point, people just like, what the fuck, right? He goes,

you might recognize this next guy from the hit TV show Seinfeld. And I hear this guy go, no fucking way in the crowd. And he goes, please welcome Jerry Seinfeld. And like half the crowd almost fainted. He goes up and just fucking destroys. And like people are like elated. They have like, like when he's done, they everybody's faces just like in pain from grilling and from from grinning. I swear to God, this is a true story, right? So Seinfeld ends and he goes, I keep it going for Jerry Seinfeld. He goes, all right, you guys ready for more show? The crowd's like flipping out. And they go, okay, this next comedian and the crowd at this point is so goddamn spoiled. I'm standing there in the doorway waiting to go on and everybody is trying to look around my head

for somebody famous to come on and he's bringing up me. He goes, please, you know, you might have seen him on VH ones. I love the 80s MTV's apartment to F. Please welcome Bill Byrne. I went on stage and there was just there was a noticeable sense of disappointment at that point when I walked up to the mic. And the only way I got out of it was I just addressed it. I was like, that's right. Welcome back to reality. This is what the fuck you paid for. And then everybody laughed and like, all right, he addressed it. He addressed the fact that we're disappointed to see him. And at that point, they kind of went along for the ride. And I swear to God, an hour later, Dave Chappelle went up and he went up and that was though. So that night and the night I just did with the two,

two most unreal nights that I've ever seen in standup comedy, I swear to God, that seller story, I know it sounds like some bullshit. I swear to God, it's fucking true. And I don't know why I'm thinking that you're doubting it. So if you ever go to New York City and you just want to go out and check out some fucking comics, go to the comedy seller right down on West 3rd and McDougal, right? I've said that like nine million times in my life, flagging down a cab back in the day when you could do eight sets on the weekend every night, like flagging down the cab with your spot money. Take me to West 3rd and McDougal. Do you want me to take the highway? No, you fucking asshole. It's going to cost me an extra seven

dollars. Okay, there's a lot of traffic. All right, you dick. Fucking take the other one, you son of a bitch. What do I care? What do I care? Someday I'll have my own podcast and I'll be selling ringtones at 99 cents a whack, just raking in the fucking money. All right, let's get to underrated, overrated for this week. All right, this first underrated, overrated that I'm going to read is this goes, this transcends the topic of underrated, overrated because what you really, not only do you get to hear this person's underrated, overrated, you get to see why having a tragic childhood and I don't know, I don't know what. Yeah, basically that leads you to be fucking hilarious because, all right, let me just read this shit. This is from the same fucking person. All right,

underrated, your new girlfriend being hotter than your ex-girlfriend. That first face-to-face meeting between them is priceless. That's right, she's hotter and skinnier than you. Enjoy the eating disorder you cunt. It's right off the bat, you think, wow, that's kind of harsh. The fuck, where does that come from? You learn where this comes from and it's overrated, overrated. Your dad telling you he loves you. I heard you fag, I'm not saying it back. Now tell that fat bitch you left mom for to get me a fresh beer. Now I'm going to tell you right now, if this dude ever did stand up, he would be the guy that the comedians hang in the back of the club watching on stage as the crowds groaning, laughing their fucking ass off because they're

relating to everything that he's saying. Those are two classics, those are two fucking classics right there. I heard you the first time fag, I'm not saying it back. Just completely walled off with the emotions. That's fucking great. That's a funny guy right there, you already know it, you know it anyways. Underrated, modern horror movies. Being that it was Halloween last week, every channel had a horror movie marathon of some sorts and I watched some of them. What happened to horror films? They used to be scary. It might be that I have grown up but I think the real problem is that they spend most of their time trying to gross out the audience. Have you actually seen the movie Saw? The first one was good but after that they just try to make you throw up. I mean

does the movie really need a two minute sequence of a guy being injected with acid and melting? Did that really happen? That's kind of why I stopped watching. I saw the first Saw and I thought it was interesting and I started to watch the second one and I'm like this is just gross. This isn't really scary. It's like scary, no it's like an even grosser jackass. Right? Does that make any sense? Let me just keep reading this goddamn shit. Why am I trying this week? Anyways he goes on to say it would be okay if they were unpredictable but they always make the killer the most obvious choice which just makes it obvious. Did that make sense? Yes it did. Why did you lose confidence in the end? No, I totally agree with you. I think the problem with

a lot of movies both action movies and horror movies is that the special effects are so unbelievable now that that's what they focus on. This happens, this happens, this happens and then the fucking special effects that they don't build any suspense you know and they don't really build the characters where you give a shit about them and you're rooting for them. The amount I just like mentally tap out of most of them. I'm like well this guy's the lead so there's no way he's gonna die or else the movie would be over. So what's the fucking point of this and like I always bring it back to a perfect storm like I could give a shit you know by the time they got to the wave I was like rooting for the wave because I didn't care about their their pathetic attempt to try to bring some

nobility to these guys who went fishing. They just so glossed over the whole fucking thing I had and didn't even give a shit. So I would agree with you sir. What else have we got here? Underrated cane sugar. Seriously so much better than that high fructose crap. Pepsi throwback is awesome. You know what I'm gonna try it just because you said that. I'm not even a big soda guy. Underrated going to a concert. Most people I know have never been never had the full concert experience of going to see someone you love and seeing them live on stage killing it and leaving deaf, sweaty, tired, bruised and loving every second of it. You're probably facing the same problem with people going out to see stand-up. Actually I gotta admit I've been really lucky.

I've been lucky. People have been coming out to my shows. But anyways he says they think it's going to be the same thing as watching it on TV. I remember the first time I saw you do your stand-up act. It was also the first time I'd ever seen a comedy show. I'm paraphrasing because I don't know where I am in this sentence. First time I ever saw a comic was you about four years ago and the live experience of seeing someone who was good at their craft is just so much better than watching it on TV. Well thank you very much sir. It's considering you just gave me a little bit of a pat on the back. I want to thank you everybody who's gone out and has bought my DVD. My DVD is killing it. It's still, last I checked, still in the top 10 on iTunes. I can't thank you guys enough.

I just want to sell in even better than why do I do this sold and all the emails you guys are sending me about that extra 21 minutes of material that you didn't get to see. Basically 25 percent of the special that you didn't get to see on Comedy Central. I read all of them. I appreciate all the kind emails and all that type of shit. It's nice. It really offsets all the jet fans giving me shit to read a nice compliment. Now a jet fan is going to write, I love the DVD and then I'm going to open it up. Patriots suck. I already know you're up to that. What do you think? I'm a fucking child. But seriously and Christmas is coming up so keep buying those DVDs. It's only like 10 bucks on Amazon.com. And as I stated before, it makes a great stocking stuffer for

someone you don't give a fuck about, but have to buy a gift for. Go out, bang out six of them for 60 bucks. There you go. Frisbee them around. There you go. You cunt. Fuck you. Dickhead. Pussy. Whatever. Up to six people. You know? Whatever. Just buy the goddamn thing. Okay. My ringtone was such a goddamn flop. People actually asking me to make another ringtone. And I feel like a band that's scratching their head why they haven't been dropped by their label yet, which actually segues us into some of the questions for this week. If I could find them, somebody actually asked me some drum questions. I said, Bill, I got three questions for you after I heard your drum battle on YouTube and you didn't suck. You seem like a relatively good drummer, an extremely good opinionator.

So I'd like to ask your opinion on some drum things. What do you think are some of the hardest drum songs to play? Well, for me, it would be just about all of them. The hardest ones, I would say. I would say as far as like for, look, I'm going to actually get into this a little bit because I really got hardcore into sports, you know, not even remotely concerned about people who could give a shit about sports. So I'll get into this a little bit for the musicians out there is I actually found one of the hardest things to do is to have the discipline to just sit down and try and make what I could physically play actually sound good. Because I think one of the one of the big things when you're learning an instrument is when you physically get something

down, you move on to the next thing. You don't, you don't stay with it until you can actually make it sound good and make it sound good to somebody listening to you play it. You just, okay, I got that down. Okay, now I'm going to move on to the next fucking thing rather than, you know, if you learn like a drum fill, you just get the fill down and you play a couple of fucking beats and then you just throw it in. Yeah, I got that down. You don't really have it down. So one of the hardest things for me was having the discipline. And it was something I learned when I was watching Steve Jordan play drums. And I was listening to him play something. And I was watching it going, I can physically play what he's playing. And what he's playing is

actually really simple, but I could not make it sound one millionth as good as he's making it sound right now. Like he was playing a beat that would actually be considered lame if I played it. And the way he played it, it sounded unbelievably fresh and it would make an entire arena just start smiling and get into whatever song was being played. That was the fucking hardest thing as far as trying to get halfway decent at drums for me. But as far as just songs that are difficult, any of the shit by John Bonham, his foot is just so goddamn fast. And you can catch up with speed, but you just can't play it the way he fucking plays it. And I've had unbelievable arguments about people like, you know, the Coke and Pepsi argument with white rock drummers is who do you

like better, Bonham or Neil Pert. This is way back in the day before all these other kids came along and I just fucking killing it. And I always picked Bonham. I didn't think Neil Pert was anywhere near I thought Neil Pert was like a fucking technician. He played right on the beat and it was sounded very fucking robotic as opposed to John Bonham who could play once again, the simplest fucking fill that I could physically do, but could never play it the way he please. Did they just did this the fucking shit? It's like watching a great actor, you know what I mean? Who could just take like a really just basic fucking monologue and make it the most interesting goddamn like a Christopher Walken or even John Goodman that I was playing like I sometimes I forget what a great fucking actor

that guy is. I don't know. I don't know. So but I was far as like songs that I would say is difficult. I would say the wanton song is ridiculously difficult. And I think most people play it wrong. They actually leave out one bass drum note where he's playing three in a row and they only play two in a row at that fucking tempo was fucking ridiculous out on the tiles. That second fill that he does that ends where he plays a fucking triplet with one goddamn bass drum is fucking ridiculous. And then I also got to admit that drum and bass shit and a lot of stuff that like I let really into like what's his face quest love the shit that he plays. He's another guy where I think he took like the Steve Jordan thing to like the next level. And he does shit. I don't even know

what the fuck he's doing. But I don't like fucking stutter in here because I can't really think of any specific song. I'll give you one here that I'm trying that I want to break out my double pedal because I don't play double bass. I just play a single bass drum. But every once in a while, there's a drummer comes along that's so fucking good. It makes me want to play double bass. And I've actually really gotten into that band Lama God and just to warn some of my older listeners. This is the sort of that that rock kind of fucking singing. But it's not as bad as some of the other guys. But they got this song called break you. And this does a double bass pattern in the end that I just think is the shit. I'm sure all you guys who play double bass, this is a fucking joke

for you. But this is something this is the kind of shit that makes me want to play double bass. Let's see if I got this here. If I can get this. It just sounds ridiculous the way he's singing. All right, here we go. Listen to this fucking double bass pattern. This is Chris Adler. This is one of my new favorite drummers. I think this is the shit right here. Listen to this. Here we go. That shit right there, that fucking machine gun shit. Actually figured out what the fuck he's doing. But that just amazed me that the entire band can be on fucking point like that. And I know you guys are going to hit me with a bunch of other double bass drum players who are faster or whatever. I like their band because the tempo that they play at, it's still fucking music to me.

Because some of those other bands I try to get into, but it's maybe my ear isn't ready to hear it, but the shit is so fucking fast that it loses its effectiveness that it stops being music. It just sounds like a jet that's like flying by but never passes my ears. It's just sitting there in my fucking ear. So I guess that type of shit. Did that make any fucking sense? What did I do? What did I do? Let's get to the next question. Who are some of the best recent drummers of the past decade? I'll just tell you the guys that I like. I like everyone from whoever played with those original Chuck Berries. I like Ringo, Charlie Watts, Phil Rudd, Alex Van Halen, Steve Gad, Vinnie Caliuta, Stephen Adler, Chris Adler,

Quest. There's so many fucking guys and I'm going fucking blank on all of them. I really should have made a list. You know what? I'll actually send to the MM podcast. I'll send you a couple of YouTube videos of some guys that I think are just fucking amazing, amazing drummers, but I don't know. Anybody who gives me the fucking chills when I listen to them and they, that's like the big thing and they make me wish that I could fucking do it. That's how I judge whether a drummer is good enough. If they play some shit and it's so fucking good that in my delusional head, I start driving down the street fantasizing that I'm doing it, you know, during the middle of the greatest HBO standup special performance ever, then that's,

I get into, I get into that drummer. All right, number three is good times, bad times, the only song that you can play. I can barely play that song, but now this, I can play some other ones. I don't know, did that bore the shit out of you music people? Who gives a fuck? All right, advice. This is going to be the last thing and I'm going to get on with my day here. Advice. Bill, how's it going? I hope that wherever you're at, everything is going swell, LOL. All right, it's kind of a question about a relationship. Here's my story. I'm 19 years old, 19 year old female who's been dating a 20, 21 year old male and we've been together almost five years. Oh, Jesus. Five fucking years and she writes fucking ridiculous,

fucking ridiculous. I know and our relationship has had its ups and downs like any relationship, but lately I feel like I can't stand them anymore. Oh yeah, that's understandable. You've been dating them like half your fucking life. I don't know what's wrong with me or maybe it's him. I don't know what's going on. I have no fucking clue, but he seems to have a really big problem with weed. If he isn't high, he can't think about anything else but getting high. Oh God, here we go. His goal in life is to get high as a fucking kite and giggle. That's a peaceful nice fucking goal. She writes, what the fuck? I don't want to be dating a weakling who needs a drug like, who needs a drug like that. I want a man and I don't know how to tell him that.

Every time I tell him, I have a problem with the weed. We get into a huge argument and I end up being the bitch. I just want him to care about me more than he cares about his weed and it's hurting us financially. We both only make 300 bucks a week and he's spending 75% of his check on weeds, cigarettes, and gas. I am the breadwinner. I don't want to be the breadwinner. I'm so tired of taking care of his dumbass. He doesn't even seem like he's willing to change even a little bit. What do I do? I know I probably sound like a complete prude, but I'm not at all. Well anyways, I really hope you read this and can give me some good advice. All right, ma'am, you are dating a fucking loser. Yeah, you're dating a loser, so you gotta get out of it.

I mean, the only red flag in there is when you said, I just want him to care about me more than he cares about his weed. Now, the only question I have there is, well, what if he was really into playing guitar? Would you then be like, I just want him to care more about me than he does about his guitar playing? Because then, you know, that's actually a red flag with you because you could be one of those awful people. Like one of the worst relationships you can seriously be in is when you're dating somebody who finds your passion to be a threat. And then they systematically, like they try to mind fuck you out of basically either your dream in life all the way down to just a simple hobby that you have just because it steals focus from you paying attention to them,

which I don't think you are in this. I think you sound very rational. You actually said, I don't know if it's me, so I don't think you are being like that. So I have to side with you 100% here. All right, let's first of all, we'll start with your relationship and just completely ignore the fact that he's 21, you're 19, you've been together for five years, which means when you got together, you were 14, he was 16, which means at some point he was 18 and you were under 18. So there was some sort of statutory rape going on there, right? We'll ignore all of that and just get to the fact like, you know, I bet a lot of my listeners would probably think that I was going to trash you for you saying that I am the I'm the breadwinner. I don't want to be the breadwinner.

You know, and I would go, oh, typical fucking broads, you know, they all talk about how they want to be the independent goddamn woman and yada, yada, yada. And all of a sudden, they got to take care of some fucking sponge. Welcome to my goddamn world. I'm not, I don't feel that's that you'll like that. I know it's just you're dating a fucking loser. You're dating a future subject on cops, it seems. You know, the way you describe him, it's, is he shirtless too? This guy's a fucking loser. He makes 300 bucks a week. I'm not judging that aspect of it, but he spends 75% of it on weed, cigarettes and gas. You know, right now I'm picturing that guy that Matthew McConaughey played in Dazed and Confused, just hanging around the

high school like, where are the parties at, man? You know, with his cool car. Yeah, you got to get out of the relationship, you know, and there's nothing wrong as a female if, if, you know, I'm not saying that you go out and just be a fucking gold digger, but you want your man to be able to provide. That's what the fuck we do. We provide. We don't provide. We're useless. We don't have a womb, right? No, seriously, we're fucking useless. So I, I get it. Yeah, you got, you got to break up with this guy. You mean, how many times can you look already? It seems like you're approaching this guy on eggshells. You know, it'd be really nice if you, you know, if you just stop being a fucking loser, you're not even saying that you're being a nice person. So

if I had to give you any advice, I would say you need to get out of that relationship. And considering you've been in it since you're 14, I think you might be a little codependent. And I think you need to break up with this guy, figure out who the fuck you are, which will involve you staying single for a significant period of time. And, uh, and just know that, you know, breakups are painful. Just prepare yourself for that. So you don't go running back to this fucking loser and waste another five years of your fucking life because you don't want to go through six weeks of pain. Just, you know, as they said in platoon, take the pain. All right, just get out of the fucking relationship and just, just tell yourself, this is going to suck for six weeks.

I'm going to wake up crying. I'm going to feel lost. I'm going to be wondering what did I used to do with all my free time before I was with this person. You're going to have that bizarre feeling where now you're looking back on somebody who was a huge part of your life and now they're becoming a stranger. So that just becomes this weird episode. Like what was that? Who was that? What the, was that my life that just went into that fucking room for five years? It's really, but just prepare yourself that that's going to happen. But every day it gets a little bit fucking easier. And then one day you're going to wake up. You're not going to give a shit. The sun's going to be shining and, uh, and then just enjoy being single. You're only fucking 19 years old.

There's no fucking reason to be in a relationship that serious for that fucking long with the fucking loser. So get out of it, get through the pain and then after six weeks, you know, just hang out with your friends, have a good fucking time, but do not get into another relationship. I wouldn't get into another relationship for like a year. Just be single for at least a fucking year and feel how awesome that is to just be single to wake up, you know, feel good about yourself, but then not have to worry that someone else is a douche. So that drags down your feeling good about yourself quotient and just fucking be single. All right. There you go. I said the same thing 90 times in a fucking role. I realize it. And what do we got?

I'm a little over an hour here on the podcast. So good luck to you. All right. That's it. That's the podcast for this week. I will talk to you guys next week, this weekend. I am at the funny bone in Columbus, Ohio and Friday, Saturday and Sunday are the dates that I'm going to be there. Actually, those are the days here are the actual dates November 12, 13th and the 14th. And on the 13th, I'm going to try to go to that Ohio State Penn State game, you know, because I've been to Ohio State game, but the first time I went, they played bowling green. And it was like the middle of September, one of those cupcake games and it sucked. So I want to go there and get the full on horseshoe fucking experience. So that is it. Thank you guys for all the emails. Thank you so

much for buying my DVD. If you haven't bought it yet, it's only 10 bucks. I swear to God, you're not going to be upset if you buy this fucking thing and you'll really be helping me out because I will get another deal to shoot another special that you can then watch and enjoy. See how it works. Little surf and fucking turf here. Beautiful. All right. I'll talk to you guys next week. Well, like a million miles away from me, you couldn't see how I adore you. So close, so close to you so far. You