Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-9-17

Episode Date: November 10, 2017

Bill rambles about being relaxed, sweaters and politics.

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I'm just checking in on just seeing how your week's going. You know, a lot of people when they podcast for one week, they don't fucking think about their listeners for the rest of the week. You know what? Not this guy. I think about you. I think, I think about you. What was that? That was fucking Guns N' Roses. All that fucking falsetto singing back then. Only you. Everyone would go nuts and they would have their fucking lighters up in the air.

Already right out of the gate. You can say, gee, Bill, you have a lot more energy than you've had lately. What's going on with you? I'll tell you what's going on. Today's the last day. We're wrapping on the movie. Front runner starring Hugh Jackman. Directed by Jason Reitman. This is the last day. I'm very excited because I think it's going to be a great movie and I also get to go home and see my family. Is that my daughter over there? Very cool. I've got a quick little run in New York and then I'm done.

I'm just done for the rest of the year other than the times I go to New Mexico and Arizona. Okay. I mean, I still am a traveling comedian. I still am a plate spinner, but I'm pretty much home till like the end of January, which is awesome. So I will be spending that time with my family and going in, punching up and editing some of the first cuts of season three. That's what I'm doing. Getting into the Thanksgiving spirit. Thanksgiving often overlooked. The second Halloween comes along, everybody goes, oh, shit, it's the fucking Christmas season.

But people forget that there's a holiday. The holiday. You don't have to have any gifts. All you got to do is show up. You show up the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, you go down to the local bar and a lot of the chicks that you were too afraid to talk to are going to be down there. A lot of the chicks that were afraid to be talked to are going to be down there. Everybody's looking for some sentimental sex, right? Or some what if encounters. Sorry, I don't mean to go all Harvey Weinstein here. All of that was consensual. Jesus Christ, there's just one accusation after another.

Finally, all these famous people are starting to go like, yeah, I have no idea who that is. Or yeah, I don't know. I don't remember that. Which I was surprised right out of the gate, they didn't do. I'm not condoning their behavior. I'm just saying legal advice. Years later, after the jizz has disappeared off, you threw out the plant that you fucking came on. You'd think that these people would go into denial. Like that fucking Supreme Court judge going, I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't do that. I just went back to my study and I was reading on how to become a better person.

They're slowly starting to do that. But anyways, why on such a glorious holiday month would you bring up such a scandal? There should be like, you know what? You should start doing like a, you know, you have like a dead pool. You should do like a pool now where you just fucking, you try to bend on who's the next person. I can't even say anything because it's not funny to fucking accuse somebody of that shit. Trying to think of anybody who I would, nah. I ain't gonna fucking do that. Let's go with something positive. I went to the best music store I've been to and I, since I don't know when, with the best commercial on YouTube,

which I am going to post off of the Monday morning podcast, Twitter account, Portman's Music Store. And Savannah, Georgia is hands down the best music store I've been to. What do you want? You want a French horn? They got it. You want a bassoon? They got it. You want a didgeridoo? They got it. Are you an old man? And you got to read some charts and your fucking eyes are gone. They actually sell readers up at the, up at the counter. Little, you know, those glasses when you don't want to just waste your money getting a prescription. You just go out and you get the readers. You just try some on. All right, these look good. These look all right. They sold those. I went over there just to get some drumsticks.

The next thing you know, I'm actually thinking of buying a trumpet. I always love the trumpet. I always love the power of that fucking instrument, you know. And I actually looked at one for the first time. I had this guy explain to me the whole way that it worked and I was thinking about it. And then fortunately I called my wharf and she goes, you're not buying a fucking trumpet. Why do wives always do that? They always, you know, I'm not saying that she was wrong, but they always do. You're not doing that. You're not buying a boat.

You're not putting a speed bag up on the side of the house. What? You know, it doesn't rain that much. There's a tree over it. Honey, we're not doing that, right? They always do that to us, but when can we always ever sit there looking and be like, like, what? Honey, you're not buying another pair of shoes. You're not buying any more throw pillows. You already can't sit on the fucking couch. There's too many. I'm not yelling. Now I am. Yes, but I wasn't.

Oh, you know what? Fuck you. Yeah, fuck you. Fine. I don't give a fuck. I never didn't want to go there anyways. Why do you have to ruin the weekend? All right, that's the way it goes. Why can't we do that? Well, you know, we should just, we got to figure out what they do. Obviously we can't start crying, you know, and they'll fucking send us to some goddamn home. I'm going to do that next time. I'm buying a trumpet. You're not buying a trumpet. Don't be mean to me.

She was right in another life. You know, come on, man. The trumpet with the plunger on the end getting that Jimi Hendrix wah wah sound. Maybe that's why that's probably where he got it from, right? He probably wanted to have that sound on the guitar because he was probably listening to somebody playing a fucking horn. I don't know what, but I always love the trumpet and the trombone and the sax. Saxophone's kind of hacky to like. That's like liking guitar. Everybody likes fucking guitar. Everybody likes when it comes to horns, everybody likes the saxophone, right?

The fucking trombone's the shit, right? The trumpet. You ever listen to a big band? Those four trumpet players show up. They fucking, you know, they stand up and they start playing their little section. They almost knock you out of your seat. I don't know, man. They were fucking cool and they were expensive as shit. Like the cheapest one was like that they had. There was like six, seven, 800 bucks. One of the parents are always freaking out when that kid stops playing the trumpet. It's like, dude, you know, I could have bought a new ride in Moa.

Do you know what stopped me from playing the trumpet other than just poor, you know, musical gifts? Was I didn't want to get that fucked up lip. And then the guy behind the counter told me, he said, oh, that's just poor technique. That's just from pressing probably your embouchure or whatever the fuck they call it is wrong. So to make up for it, you got to press it against your lips and then you get like that, you know, you look like somebody beat you with a trumpet rather than your play one, right? And he's like, no, you just want to be relaxed. You want to be relaxed. Everything is that in life. You know what I mean? You want to be relaxed. You want to hit a home run? Don't try and kill it. Just swing through the fucking zone, let the bat meet the ball.

There it goes, right? In a little league field for me. Professional guys, they could hit it out of Fenway Park, right? Stop trying to kill it. Golf, you want to drive it a bunch of yards there, right? You want to show off. You're on the first tee. Have you all the fucking white dude standing behind you? One woman and somebody of color so nobody can say your fucking membership is racist, right? You fly them in. Everybody's standing there watching you. You're waiting to tee off, right? You're feeling the sweat going down the back of your ball bag. And what do you do? You grip it a little tighter. You fucking go back like John Daly. You swing outside your zone. You fucking go through your little hat with the pom-pom falls off.

You're gonna fall on your ass. Your white slacks get a grass date on them. And where does the ball go? Fucking ricochets off the ladies' teeth. And everybody snickers. Everybody snickers. Then you're in a bad mood. You have a bad round. And then you fucking come home. You throw your clubs down, right? And then your wife comes out and wants you to emote. The next thing you know, you got your hands around her throat, right? Her eyes are rolling back. She's making dents on the floor. You know how it ends, right? You know how it ends. It ends with a trip to Home Depot. You're buying a pickaxe and some sort of lime. And all you had to do, all you had to do was just relax.

Go up there, smile and wave at all your so-called friends that you know are rooting against you. You know, stay within yourself. Be nice and relaxed. Don't give a shit. Let the face meet the fucking ball. There it goes, right down the goddamn fairway. But no, you tried to kill it. And when it ended up happening, an innocent woman died, right? And how are you going to get caught? Huh? Because of the back of her head, the imprint's going to be on the hood of the car. They come over there to dust it, right? And then they'll still be able to tell it. It's the perfect shape of her skull with the little pony tail. You know, and then you just sit there. That's when you break down on the fucking stand.

Like on one of those classic iron side. All right, it was me! Remember those old stupid court dramas, the early days of movies and television shit? All you had to do was just ask the person, the defendant, a bunch of quick questions. You know? They'd just be like, you went golf on that day, didn't you? Yeah, what about it? Everyone was watching, weren't they? They were watching you and you squeezed the club floor. No, I didn't! And then you went home, and then you killed your wife. All right, I did it!

She never believed in my golf game, see? Right? They always did that. And then they always shook women and slapped them. You know, and that was the backbone of Hollywood. And for some fucking reason, 67 years later, everybody's surprised that people are running around, grabbing people by their privates, and finishing on a plant. Anyways, I guess was it the midterm election? I don't know what happened. All I know is I was down on the set and somebody said, hey, it's a good day for Democrats. And I was just like, what do you mean? He goes, yesterday, man.

He said the Democrats fucking killed it yesterday. And my first thought was, well, did they elect good Democrats? You know what I mean? I don't like how people look at politics the way they look at their sports team. You know what I mean? Where, like, if it's a bad call, as long as it goes in the favor of your team, you're like, oh, that was fine. You know, like, Hillary supporters doing that stupid thank you, Hillary, which was probably started by her people. I don't understand what people on the left are doing, still trying to push her over the top.

At some point, you just got to admit you wasted a draft pick and you got to move on to somebody else. I've never seen somebody just keep coming back like fucking Freddy Krueger, since probably Richard Nixon. That has to be her spirit animal, my favorite, my fucking... Why don't I just say favorite? That's the thing I hate the most when people say, so and so is my spirit animal. Are you fucking 11? You got a pen pal too? Yeah, like, if I was her, I would just, I would look at Richard Nixon and be like, okay, this guy lost, you know, one on the radio lost on TV. He was sitting there, you know, sitting there like how you normally sit, right? He's got sweat on his upper lip, JFK comes in all tanned up.

He's got his legs crossed like he's doing panel on the fucking Tonight Show. You know, all the women are watching going, oh, if I had to fuck a political dick, that would be the dick, right? So everybody fucking votes, you know, thinks that he won on TV. Nixon loses the election and then he lost the governor's race in California and literally was out of politics. And not eight years later, oh, tricky dick came back and won the fucking White House. I think that's what Hillary's trying to do. But just watching everybody on the left, just ignoring, completely turning a fucking blind eye to the fact that Bernie Sanders got more votes. And they admitted it in court, the Democratic National Party colluded with her campaign to make her the fucking representative.

I mean, can you give me a fucking break? He's fucking sitting there bitching about the electoral college. I don't get it. I get if you're a woman and you want a woman to be president, but, you know, can you pick a good one? Can we start with that? I mean, how much more corrupt can, I don't know, I just don't get it. People's and being enamored with either the Bushes or the Clintons. I've had enough with them.

I want a new last name lying to me. Is that asking too much? But so anyway, so I checked out some of those elections and I'm weighing over my head here, but I just saw these weird headlines like congratulations. Such in such state. You elected the first transgender person way to go Vermont or way to go to Jersey. You elected the first Muslim, whatever, that's a Sikh guy or whatever. I don't know how to say it or whatever. There was nothing in there that you elected somebody who was qualified.

That's going to do a great fucking job who happens to be Polynesian or whatever. I don't understand. It read the exact same. Well, that's like, that's like how white supremacist vote, you know, they vote strictly by, you know, race or whatever. Like that doesn't make any sense. Like can we just vote for people who are good, who actually have demonstrated that they cannot be swayed by money and they're actually going to do what's going to be good for the environment. That's going to be good for poor people, middle class people.

That's going to be good for this country. Don't just fucking vote for somebody because of their genitalia or, you know, I don't get it. This whole fucking idea that sociopaths, selfish people, liars are only white male heterosexuals and that only they are susceptible to being weak when they get positions of power is not a good road to go down. It's the only thing I'm going to say. You got it. I don't know how you figure out what the fuck somebody's going to do. But like to just be excited that somebody got in there because of their sex or their race is a very short sighted way to look at it. You got to look at what the fuck they did is all I'm saying.

And I did not see that in the headline. I just thought, oh, good, this person's in there, you know, but I feel like that's how we try to fix shit. Like, oh my God, there was eight years of Democrats. Fuck this. Let's do let's let's vote all Republican. Oh, wait a minute. That doesn't work. Let's go all Democrat.

That's what we just keep fucking doing. And now we're going to do that. I think on a, a, a, what do you call it? Gender and a race thing is what they're going to do. And it's going to be fucking, I'm telling you, you're going to see the exact same scandals. I did not have sex with that woman. You wait. I want to see how this plays out when they get in there, right?

When the non whiteies get in there and they got their own private fucking subway, you know, everybody's eating fucking lobster. You know, and it's all just sitting there dangling. You know, you want to be present. Hey, buddy, you want to be president, right? And they got to get in bed with all of these evil fucking corporations. And then when they get in there, they got to do what those corporations want, right? They got to do what the fuck they want. And then if they do, then you end up like, like Obama, like Bush, like Clinton, like all of these fucking people after they're president.

Then you go on the fucking bribe money tour, going out air quote, giving speeches, right? Why are you still giving speeches? You're not president anymore. You know what I mean? It's Dan Marino walking around with the football still throwing passes. He's retired. What the fuck are you? Oh, you're collected.

Yeah. Obama right now is on tour. $69 million tour giving speeches. Let's say the guy doesn't give a good speech, but $69 million in one year. The fuck out of here. The fuck out of here. Who's he going to go talk to? Huh?

Who's he talking to? Joe Sixpack? I don't think so. I know that was a very bleak way of looking at it, but there's something positive in there. I think we need as everybody represented obviously in government, but you got to make sure that you're not just voting, you know, just to get a woman in there or something. You got to make sure they're good. And that is, that is my problem with the Clintons. I just think that they're just fucking, they're like, I don't even know what they are.

They're just soulless fucking people. There's got to be somebody better than her. All right. But you know, Democrats, if you want to hand your hat around somebody with Mike Dukakis, his fucking charisma, who's as comfortable in her own, her own skin is Al Gore, two fucking losers. They can't say two people lost the election. Have you ever heard me talk politics as much in your life? Would you think someone who doesn't watch Fox News or CNN or MSNBC or anything else who kind of just gets his news from overhearing one comment from somebody on a set while doing eight lines in a movie? Anyways, let's get back into my wheelhouse.

All right. Whatever. This is the podcast. I fucking talked about what I want. I talked about buying a trumpet and now I'm talking about, you know, it'd be funny if a woman gets into office. Like, like, what is she going to, like, how is she going to give it to, you know, she's going to get like a bunch of fucking, like J crew, like boy toys running around the White House. Who knows? I don't know what they're going to do.

She probably go like that, that Ferdinand Marcos chick there who had like fucking 50,000 fucking shoes. That's what it is. Guys are into like fucking, we're animals, right? Ladies are into stuff. Maybe that's what it is. They'll blow the entire defense budget on like broaches or some shit. All right. This is some of the dumbest shit I've ever said.

I hope it makes you feel better about yourself. All right. Last day of the shoot, 84 days sober. I did it. All right. I booked this thing. I was a fat booze bag. I stopped fucking drinking.

I did it. So can you. And so I'm a little nervous here because now the shoot ends tonight. And so now what do I do? It's this weird thing where I don't want to end my streak. I think I can get at least 100 days. Then I'm going through Thanksgiving without drinking, but is that a bad thing? You know what I mean?

Rather than, you know, drinking and kind of forgetting half the meal and then waking up at four in the morning with the TV still on. You know, sweat my ass off and some Thanksgiving sweater being like, what the fuck? Where is everybody? Did I say good night? You know, next day you go downstairs. You talk to your wife. You're like, good morning.

She just looks at you and keeps brushing your teeth. You're like, oh fuck. Did you have fun yesterday? She stops brushing your teeth, slams a hand down on the counter, spits out and then fucking turns the sink on, turns it off, and then turns to you and you're like, oh fuck. What did I do? What did I say? I don't want to do that.

I'll do that the day after. Right? When I watch all those rivalry games. What? And I've had my crimson tie against the Auburn Tigers. I'm missing everything. I don't know what's going on in the world. I had a lot of people send me, you know, tweets and texts and all that shit.

Unfortunately, about the fatal crash of, sorry, I just clicked this fucking thing off. Of Roy Halliday and, yeah, that's fucking brutal. That's brutal. You see that guy in Boston Sports Radio just fucking went off on him. You know what's hilarious about that whole clip is he makes his point in the first like eight seconds. He says what he feels about it and then continues to say it. I almost thought it was like on a loop.

He just kept going. Oh, look at me. I got a plan. I'm waving at the fucking window. He said it like nine times. I was kind of done with the guy when he called Halliday a jack wagon. Who says that? I understand you can't curse on the radio.

I don't know. But the weird thing is that they're blaming the, they're starting to blame the plane. And I don't think that's right. I mean, if it's pilot error both times, I don't think that that, you know, what's scary is the other one, right? I never even thought about this. The first time that type of plane crashed, I guess the test pilot, he went flying into this canyon, flying low.

And they're guessing that he thought he was in this different part of the canyon that was going to, it opened up to a lake. But this one didn't, like it started to get narrow and then he went into basically a mountain cul-de-sac. And he, if, and basically the angle that he would have had to fly out if he pulled back on the stick, he was going to fucking stall. So he had to try to do bang a Yui basically. I would think, um, yeah, that's why I like a helicopter because you just go, just stop

with those fucking things. You have to keep like a shark. They got to keep moving forward other than that's fucking it. Um, but I got to tell you, man, that plane looks cool as hell. It really does. It really looks cool. And, um, I don't know, but all of this shit where people speculate and all that, just shut the fuck up.

All right, the FAA will investigate in like whatever, in a certain amount of time, six months a year, whatever, they'll come out with their official report. All these fucking people who don't fly, listen to them talk about it was kind of, uh, I don't know. It's kind of funny like this. Oh, this is the third time. You know, there's a lot of times if something's easy, people will do dumb shit with it. Like the helicopter that I want to buy, you know, it's, it's basically like the Robinson,

but they corrected all the safety issues on it. First of all, having a fully articulated main rotor system where you could actually push the stick forward and not enter into some sort of low G or mass bumping situation. So there was a guy that got it and he was trying to demonstrate how you could fly like an asshole, which is what you should never do. And he slammed the stick forward and he went into a nose down attitude, but it was, it's a carbureted engine. And the way the fuel is, is fed in when he tipped it forward, he basically starved the

carburetor of fuel and he stalled it, demonstrating that he wouldn't get into one situation. He created another situation and then he then crashed it. So, you know, people who always, you know, the very little that I know about aviation, whenever a new design comes out, you know, people are always like, well, let's see, let's let people fly in it and let them die and then they can fix it and let you warn you about all of the stuff. But a lot of times it's just people, it's this weird thing where they make it safer and it make it easier and then someone will then do something, I don't know, will do something

like that, just slam a stick forward or something. So I have no idea what that guy was doing, but it's brutal, man. So obviously condolences out to him and his wife and kids, man, it's fucking brutal. All right. When with that sad frigging story, that guy in Boston radio, though, it was also like, I feel like as much as he felt what he was saying, he was also trying to be edgy. You know, and it's one of these things, if anything that he was saying was actually true, it's like, dude, you don't need to say that.

Why are you adding to the pain of his family if you really give a fuck about his wife and kids? All right, if somebody did something dumb, everybody knows that they did something dumb and then they died, then shut up about it. This really upsets me. It upsets you. You don't even know the fucking guy. It was such like a Kardashian tip.

I just felt like for me, that was really upsetting. Anyways, me on these, everybody, me on these, me on these. Don't slam the fucking stick forward. Me on these, me on these. If you're in a cabri, fucking whatever I want to buy. Why would I go into that? Why, why the fuck would I die? What can I say?

Me on these, me on these. Swing the club. Nice. No. Single golf club. Relaxed. Me on these, me on these. Yeah, I got nothing that runs through the legs because I'm thinking that fucking.

I'm sorry. You know what? I feel like Casey Casey. I just went from a tragic, tragic fucking story to singing about underwear right now. You can't make that transition. Me on these, everybody. Me on these makes your butt. Me on these, your butt will be proud to wear and check this out.

I'm not the only one who loves me on these. Listen to what longtime listener and me on these enthusiasts. George has to say a note from George and a Bill Burr listener and me on these fan. I decided to try on me on these BC because I love Bill Barr. There I said it. Okay. Is that what you want? All right.

I did it. I tried on this soft ability underway. My dick liked it. Okay. Um, I smile every time he sings the song. Although it's so easy to skip the ads in the podcast. I always listen to Bill Reed, blah, blah, blah, blah. You guys know this.

He loves these fucking things. They're nice and comfortable. And he loves me on these cradling the family jewels to get 20% off the best and softest underwear and socks you will ever own free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. Go to me on these.com slash bird. That's me on these.com slash bird. Well, that was too short. I should probably read what the guy said.

All right. I always listen to Bill's read and I'm so glad me on these has stuck with them. It's been probably two years since I bought my first pair of me on these. And now I have a monthly subscription because they are that comfortable before me on these. I used to buy the three pack of underwear retail stores until I realized that I wanted to treat my junk to something more comfortable. And that starts with a great pair of me on these cradling the family jewels. That is just so slick the way that is read.

It reeks of that it was rewritten by the advertisers. I'm sure there's a George N out there, but I don't think he wrote it as eloquently as that. If he did go to Madison Avenue kid, you got a career. You got a future. All right. Legal zoom everybody as a business owner, you know how important it is to keep moving forward.

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I've been so frigging busy traveling around doing shows and finishing up this acting gig. That I have not watched one second of my beloved Boston Bruins and Boston Celtics. I haven't watched anything and a friend of mine on F is for family a Cleveland Cavaliers fan was raving about how well Kyrie Irving was doing with the Celtics. So I watched a little bit of highlights last night of the Celtics defeating the Lakers. I saw that Lonzo ball. Is that his name or is that his dad's name? I saw that he actually played well and believe it or not, even as a Celtics fan, I'm happy

for that dude because his fucking dad is like such a crazy person that it makes people hate this kid. The kids never said shit. You can't pick your parents and that the dude's dad did a lot of good things. He is playing in the NBA, but I don't know what he's doing. He's fucking wrestling. I don't know what he's doing. I don't know what the fuck he's doing, but that's going to be one of those things at some point.

That kid is going to have to make a very uncomfortable break with his overbearing father. But anyways, the Celtics won and I'm watching the highlights and I don't know anybody on the team anymore. We still got Marcus Smart. It seems like we got rid of everybody else. Crowder, Avery Bradley, Isaiah Thomas. I knew they were all gone, but Kelly O'Lennick's gone. Everybody's fucking gone. There's like two people left from last year's team.

That kid Green was looking great. What the hell did he go? I missed all of these fucking trades. I don't know. I'm right back to only being able to name a couple of Celtics. I'm excited that I'm going to get back into them. I'm going to get through my little New York run here. Thank you, by the way, to everybody that's coming out to my show Sunday night in New York City.

Thank you for getting the tickets. You're going to watch me try out some material, fuck around, do some shit that works and do some shit that doesn't quite work. But when I come back, when I come back, that's it. I'm watching the NBA and NHL package and I'm so fucking psyched. I'm going out. I'm buying my nieces and nephews a bunch of gifts. I'm going to come back east for Christmas. Everybody in my family who hasn't met my beautiful, gorgeous, lovely daughter.

My wife sent me video yesterday of the first time she was on a swing, which I, you know, thank God for video. I would have missed it. It was just awesome. She was so happy. And then the way she was sitting there, she had like an elbow like she was hanging out the driver's side window. She was so totally chill. She has like a, like a, like a relaxed confidence about her. And she's a sweetheart, you know?

So all I got to do is not be an angry maniac. You know, who can who? I'm going to be an angry maniac, but I'm going to be less of one. And when she calls me out on it, when she inevitably learns how to talk, I'm just going to admit to it and be like, you know what? You're right. Daddy needs to work on that. Because I don't want to, I don't want to ruin what she looks like she's going to be, man, because she, her kid's going to be special. You know, like all dads, I am a little biased, but I'm telling you. Anyways, which is another reason to not be boozing around the friggin house, right?

I think that's what I'm going to do. I think in, in, in the next year, I'll keep my drinking on the road. That's what I'll do. I'll live this double life. Stone sober at home, pushing her on a swing, wearing sweaters, smiling and waving. And then on the road, I'll just be in the gutter after my shows. That's too sad. I would never do that. Anyways, and I heard that kid for the Bruins, that kid on BU who stepped up last year was looking, looking very promising.

I heard he's playing really well. I heard the Bruins are fast. I know we don't have the greatest record at this point, but you know, it's a long season. I cannot fucking wait to get back to my family and just, you know, I don't know. I'm not going to do shit for like two weeks, right through Thanksgiving, right to the end of this month. And then, you know, whatever, you'll start getting busy again. But who gives a fuck? I'm really going to try to enjoy the holidays this year.

I'm getting into it. All right, I'm going to buy a fucking tree. I'm going to do the whole thing, although where I usually buy my tree, you know, got everything got all fucked up down there now. So they can't sell the trees there. Who knows what? They're probably knocking down the building to put up another building. That's the big move out here, right? Build these, I don't know what you call them, these high rises, luxury rentals.

Do yourself a favor. Don't rent a luxury apartment. When you can just instead go out and buy a starter house, throw all that money down the fucking toilet. Okay. Please don't do that unless you want it. If you want to do it by all means, go ahead and do it. So I was reading, I was reading drum magazine. I read modern drummer magazine and I saw this whole article on these drummers favorite like Prague rock bands from the 70s.

And, you know, early Genesis, you know, when Peter Gabriel was still in it and Phil Collins was on drums, King Crimson, all of these bands. So I actually started listening to King Crimson, that band, that album read. And it's pretty fucking out there. This shit is pretty fucking out there. Some of it doesn't hold up. Some of it does. But when they get into the real trippy keyboard shit, using all the effects and everything. That definitely gets a little bit nuts.

But I don't know. I was always curious of like Bill Bruford's drummering. Like he was always on, you know, the cover of all like those magazines. I know he played in yes and all that. He's this amazing drummer. So it's kind of psyched to finally be able to hear him play. But I don't know. I think I'm going to listen to some of that shit.

If anybody has any good suggestions, I don't know. I can't help but feel like it's very hipster. I think a lot of that. I don't get into progressive. I don't mind fusion. Fusion is cool. But progressive gets a little, you know, reminds me of Kevin Murphy. What Kevin Murphy listens to on Efforts for Family.

So I'll just treat it as like research or whatever. All right. I'm babbling here. Once again, thanks to everybody who's going to come out to my show Sunday night. And thanks to everybody on Front Runner. They gave me a part here in this movie. I had a great time on the shoot, met a bunch of people, just awesome people. And I'm really excited to get back to my family and just enjoy the holidays and everything.

This is a great time of fucking year, you know. It would have been nice if I could have said that without cursing, but I'm not the brightest guy. All right. Go fuck yourselves. Go Celtics. Go Patriots. Go Bruins. I don't know if we have a soccer team.

I don't know what it is, but I'm just, that's it, man. I'm going home. Fucking pajamas. And I ain't doing shit for the rest of the fucking year. Except Christmas shopping, cooking, Thanksgiving dinner, flying back east, meeting a bunch of relatives, giving out gifts to now fucking Christ. It's always busy, isn't it? Who gives a shit?

All right. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend. Enjoy the music here. And also we got another 30 minutes. If you're new to my podcast, we always play like the greatest hits from a Thursday afternoon podcast, you know, from a few years ago. Maybe this year.

I don't fucking know. All right. See you. Thank you. Hey, what's going on? It is Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 9th, 2009. And yes, I am a little late with this one. It is well into Monday evening here in Los Angeles.

And I had, oh, I just had a whirlwind of a week. I really did. I really did. It should have been my, my, basically my Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. My last, whatever that is, five days should have been filmed. Okay. With like that MTV style, where just as you start to focus on what the image is, they fucking quickly cut to what you were just looking at from the side in a black and black

and white, you know, you know, you know how they used to film punked and that should cut you would be standing there like, okay, check it out. Um, fucking zippy sea crest is going to get a glazed donut, right? And then bam, then they go from the side and he'd be fucking sitting there with his hats sideways. Remember that? I had like a fucking, I had, I had, I had like, I had like a totally TRL experience. I had an unbelievable fucking week.

You know? Why do I feel like, well, I actually feel guilty about it. Like telling you guys that I had an unbelievable week. Like I have to fucking apologize to you guys during a free podcast. Fuck you. You know, I got to tone it down. What? Cause your week sucked.

Why can't you be happy for me? Why didn't I turn the fucking fan on? It's goddamn hot as fucking hell. You know what it is about my apartment? No, Bill. What is it? Hang on a second. Let me turn this fucking thing on.

Come on. Turn on. Um, the problem is, is I live in a desert and, uh, this time of year, the sun is like three, four hours where it just beats down right on the corner of my apartment. And, uh, it's just sitting there naked. There's no avocado tree or, uh, whatever cactus or any shit to block out the sun. So it just heats up like an oven. And then I always try to close the windows.

You know, I've, I've explained this before because I say cunt a lot in the podcast. And, uh, I want my neighbors to think I'm a swell guy. No, I don't. I don't give a shit what they think. I just don't, you know, if somebody steals something, I don't want them to think about something. I don't want them to think it was me. That's basically it.

All right. So this, this was my week. Listen to this. All you fuckers in your cubicles. Huh? Is it Tuesday morning? Did you already throw your hands up and give up on me like I wasn't going to fucking do it this week?

Or at least today? Shame on you. You could have been listening to this yesterday at the end of your job. You know, when you're supposed to be getting all your spreadsheets in order. Huh? Right around the time that egg salad sandwich is starting to bug you and you're thinking, can I, can I shoot it right into the fucking staple's office chair that I'm sitting on that sort of has some sort of foam underneath it?

Um, isn't that the worst? Huh? When you have a sit down job and you have a chair you can't fart into. That's really bad. You know, you gotta, you gotta wear like two pairs of boxers every time you have Mexican. Right? Jesus, Bill. Shit jokes.

Three minutes right, right into the podcast, huh? This is how it's going to be. Sorry. I was just adjusting myself here. Not that kind of way. Just adjusting everything because it's a long fucking story. What I have to go through to turn the fan on and keep a podcast going. I have to stretch the technology out.

All the Y's. Um, all right. This was my week. All right. Wednesday. Wednesday, I fly to, uh, JFK, New York City. And, um, because I'm getting ready for my big town hall show. My first theater gig in New York City.

Right? So I'm on my way there and I land right around 5.30 just in time for the fucking traffic. And lo and behold, the Yankees are playing game six of the fucking world series. All right. And if they win that night, they're going to wrap the shit up. I'm staying in a hotel in Times Square. I bring my girl along. Right?

It's a big fucking week for me. You know, when I'm sitting there riding and going, please let the Phillies win. Please let the fucking Phillies win. You know, and then win game seven so I can walk, watch all those fucking sad sack Yankee fans with those satin Yankee jackets that they wear. You know, like they're in some biker gang on fucking happy days. I don't, they're like one of the only teams left that still has those satin fucking jackets. Um, anyways, but it was not to be right then.

Um, I started to watch game six and Pedro's on the mound and he starts off with like an 84 mile an hour fastball and it just really had a bad feeling that I was going to watch the end of his career that night and he was going to let up like 17 runs and I couldn't watch it. So I shut it off. So, uh, I have to do open Anthony in the morning. So I take my vitamins. I go to sleep or whatever, uh, try not to get sick on the road and right around, right

around, right as I'm starting to nod off. I hear the first screaming that I would hear for the next three hours. I just hear like way off, you know, basically where I'm sitting, Times Square is about a half a block away. So all I hear right as I'm about ready to nod off and get a nice eight hours sleep right before I go to do the morning radio. All of a sudden I just hear like, yeah, fucking Yankees, fucking 27. Right.

Couldn't really make it out. Wasn't that clear. And then I started hearing these horns blowing and it was like the whole fucking stadium. I guess they won it. I figured it out at that point. That's like the whole fucking stadium decided, what do we do now? Let's go to Times Square and keep Bill up for the next fucking three hours. And that's what they did.

And it was so loud and so ridiculous. I was actually sitting there with my head in between two pillows like I was having a fucking like, like a head sandwich, right? It was so fucking loud and so ridiculous. I was actually laying there laughing. I mean, what are the fucking odds, right? One of the biggest Red Sox fans, one of the guys who hates the Yankees the most. Okay.

I live 3000 miles away. What are the fucking odds this one random day I'm going to fly in and they're going to win the World Series and they're going to decide to celebrate half a fucking block away. So that was my first night. And the next night I did a gig for, actually I didn't hike this gig because I was trying to sell tickets for my town hall gig. And I actually on Thursday, I opened for this up and coming comedian that I'm sure all you

guys, you're going to know about soon, a guy by the name of Dane Cook. I don't know if you've ever heard of him, just, you know, up and coming guy, you know, just trying to plug away. I opened up for him at Madison Square Garden. I did 10 minutes and it wasn't like the theater at Madison Square Garden. It was where the Knicks play. And I'm trying to think the last time I worked with him on the road, I think maybe we did a college gig together about 15 years ago, way back when we were starting out in Boston.

So it was, I got to tell you, it's been a long time since I did a gig that wasn't, like if I do Letterman, I get butterflies, but it's been a long time since I've done a stand-up gig where I got, that wasn't going to be on TV. And I actually got butterflies. I was standing back there waiting to go on. And I was like legitimately, not like nervous to the point that I was going to fuck with my set, but I was like, I don't know what it was. My stomach was like, oh my God, this is like Madison Square Garden.

And fortunately, I had the presence of mind to be like, you know what, when are you ever going to get to do this again, Bill? I'm going to go with never. I'm going to bet the long shot on this one. And guess that you're never going to get to do this again. So, or most likely, you know, never say never. So why don't you go up there and fucking enjoy it. And right before, Dane does his shows in the round.

So it's like 20,000 fucking people. And I'm sitting there looking at the stage and I'm trying to figure out who am I going to look at. So fortunately, before I went out there, I go, Dane, exactly how does this theater in the round work? And he goes, it's no big deal. He goes, it's just like, it's like four theaters. There's one in front of you, one to the right, one to the left, and one behind you.

Just break it up like that. Then all of a sudden, it didn't, it just made sense. And I went out there, he actually had a great, I mean, I was freaking out. I knew I was going to be doing the gig for about six days. And I was just going, oh my God, is this going to be a bunch of Facebook hotties? And I'm going to go up there saying cunt every other word. And they're just going to be looking at me like, when's Dane coming on? This guy is angry.

But they weren't. They were fucking awesome. And they totally listened. And it was probably one of the best 10 minute sets I think I've ever had as far as, how many times you get to do a 10 minute set and you get to look up at a Stanley Cup champion banner. You know? By the way, why is Madison Square Garden?

I'm not trying to be a dick here. Why is it considered a basketball mecca? They always say that. Like if Michael Jordan would go, that's, you know, it's a basketball mecca. LeBron James, it's, it's a basketball, they always say that it's a basketball mecca. All right. Now, fans of the New York Knicks. All right.

And you're a true fan right now if you're still watching those bumps. Okay. You're going through a real rough patch. I want you to justify. Send me an email and tell me, explain to me how Madison Square Garden is considered a basketball mecca. How? Okay.

The Knicks haven't won a championship since 1972. I think they won their other one in like 69 or 70. They've won two championships. The fucking Spurs have won like what, four? Five? How is Madison Square Garden a basketball mecca? If that's a mecca, what was the old Boston Garden? We won 16 there.

Or say like the LA Forum, the LA Forum, they won five, six, seven. I don't know what they won there. They won a good, they won like nine. I think they won nine out there. Okay. If, if, if Madison Square Garden, I'm not going to, I'm not being a dick here. New York City is a basketball mecca that Rutger Parker, whatever the fuck it is, with a goat, right?

He used to fucking lift up a refrigerator and put it on top of the backboard. Isn't that how the, the urban myth goes or whatever the fuck it was. Louisel Cinder, right? All those guys came from there. I understand that. I understand all those players, but there's only been, there's two championship banners hanging in Madison Square Garden. Okay.

So I'm going to kind of be a jerk here and say that it's not a basketball mecca. I don't think you've earned the right. What college basketball, maybe? You know, I don't know. I think you, I think you guys really need to win a lot more. The fucking Chicago Bulls won six in the nineties. The first three at Old Chicago Stadium and then the other three, what, at the United Center?

Is that how I went? I don't, I don't fucking know. You guys need to bring that down a little bit. You know, that's like, you ever see like when you see a restaurant, they, they, they'll say, uh, welcome to, to world famous blah, blah, blahs. And you're sitting there really, really they, they know about this in Portugal. They don't. You're just saying that.

And I think that fucking, you know what Madison Square Garden is just like Ray's famous pizza in New York city. Every fucking one claims to be. There's a couple of, there's a couple of comedy clubs. The world famous fucking yuck, yuck, slap a knee, whatever the fuck they call them. It's like, it's not world famous. It's not. All right.

It isn't. Okay. Did I beat that to death? I really got off the rails here. Let me get back to my fucking story here. All right. Um, so the first night I go, Yankees win the world series and their fans keep me up, um, for like three hours.

All right. Uh, oh, I actually congratulated the Yankees on, uh, on the radio the next day, which is probably very surprising to a lot of people. If you'd like to hear it, go to, uh, just Google Bill Burr, Opian Anthony show, uh, Yankee rant. For some reason they called it a rant, but I was actually congratulating them. And I meant everything that I said. It might have sounded like I was being a little sarcastic, but I wasn't.

Anyways, let me plow ahead. So the next night I opened for date at Madison Square Garden, right? I'm fucking, these pictures are like Frank Sinatra and Elvis. I'm talking to the security guard who's been there for 40 years. He's pointing out where Mike Milbury went into the stands and beat that guy with his own fucking shoe. Right. You guys ever seen that?

Of course not. You're not hockey fans. Actually, look, look up Boston Bruins fight fans. Just look that up. It's a Bruins Rangers game. And I think it was Terry O'Reilly, somebody grabbed his stick and they hit him with it thinking, you know, typical fan. Like, like that's not a real guy.

He's on skates. I have fucking Chuck Taylor's on. He can't catch me. I don't know how he did it, but Terry O'Reilly climbed up the fucking glass and grabbed this guy and then the rest of the Bruins followed him in the stands. And this is how far we've come as a society. Back then that was probably a story for about five days. There were lawsuits or whatever, but you never heard about it.

There was no fucking ESPN. It was that came and it went. It wasn't suspended for life. You know, no Latrel spree. Well, kind of shit, nothing. They went up there. They beat fans with their own clothing and then they went back on the ice and they finished the fucking game as far as I know.

Anyway, so then Friday night, I did my first theater gig and I want to thank everybody who came out. There was a huge milestone in my career to be able to perform at a theater in New York City and sell the thing out. Everything went awesome. I got a standing ovation and had three killer comics on in front of me. Jota Rosa, Paul Verzi, and then there was this girl, this contest winner and of course her name escapes me at this point because I talk on my cell phone too much and I can't

remember any fucking thing anymore. Oh, and speaking of that shit, no, no, stay on track, Bill. Stay on track because I was making a couple of corrections from last week, but so Saturday night comes. Saturday night, I was up in Boston, I did the comics come home with Cam Ely and Dennis Leary and all that type of shit and that was in front of 6,000 people. So basically over three days, I went on in front of almost 25,000 people and now I'm sitting in my bedroom talking to myself and doing an orange fucking microphone.

So, you know, I'm coming down a little bit, getting back to reality, you know. How's that for a fucking weekend? I can't believe it. Unbelievable. I can't believe it. And then he says unbelievable just in case you didn't realize that it was unbelievable. Right now, you know what? It's funny about me.

I'm actually self-conscious right now that I talked about so much good shit that happened to me. That's what it's like to be a fucking German-Irish Catholic from Boston. That's what it is. Oh my God, a bunch of good stuff happened. I should feel guilty. You know, and I almost said fuck you to you guys like you're actually, you give a shit either way.

I really got issues. All right, let's make a couple of corrections. All right, last week that racist movie I was trying to remember the name of, it's Birth of a Nation. And I want to thank the 87 people who brought that to my attention. And I also mentioned I was going to read a book about how to speak better on stage using my voice correctly and people wanted to know the name of the book that I was reading. I actually lied to you.

I'm not reading it. I keep starting the book, but it's really involved. It's just like your diaphragm is a muscle in your liver, buddy. And I'm just like, oh my God, I hate school. And I close it and then I'll read like Slash's autobiography or like, what's the guy from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Anthony Ketus. I'm sort of skipping around his biography. But the name of the book is called Freeing the Natural Voice by Kristen Link Ladder.

All right. L-I-N-K-L-A-T-E-R. I've just been doing a lot of shows and I have a tendency to yell from my throat rather than down here by the fucking diaphragm. You like that? You hear that? That's fucking Ray's famous pizza. That's an awful burger from a diner.

And that's some bar pizza that I got up in Boston. Trying so hard to get in shape. I just don't think it's going to happen. Fuck that. I've had the whole fucking goddamn summer to get in shape and I didn't do it. I've been a fucking idiot like usual. I'm waiting till the last week. Like one of these chicks on the shows, right?

Now I just don't eat. Then I show up in a strapless dress with my fucking, my fucking, I wasn't saying clavicle showing. Is that a word? Collarbone. There you go. What is a clavicle? Is that that thing on your back that looks like a sail?

What is that? Your shoulder blade? Is that called a clavicle? I don't fucking remember. Radius ulna, metatarsals, flanges. Anyways, let's, let's plow ahead here with the podcast. So I'm actually now, I'm like hardcore. There's no turning back.

I have to drop like 10 pounds before my special or my big fucking TV kitchen. Kitchen TV sized head is going to look fucking ridiculous on TV. So I really got to, I got to get the booze weight off. And I actually just went for a bike ride. I was hiking up one of these parks out here, out here, Griffith Park. You know the observatory? Did you guys ever see that James Dean movie? Then he filmed something up there or Charlie's Angels.

When those four skinny whores are up there with their Botox and their fucking twats hanging out. Remember that last scene? Yeah. That's the observatory. So the other day I was hiking up to it on foot and I see this fucking, it's like 55 years old guy, white hair pedaling up the hill like he's in a fucking Viagra commercial. And I'm going, look at that son of a bitch.

You know, and he had all the, all the, he had all the, he had the whole get up on, you know, the whole Lance Armstrong outfit. Like he's going to, you know, ride through Paris and throw his hands up right under the octave triumph, right? Rather than he's just riding up a hill in the middle of a desert sucking in bus fucking fumes. But I was impressed. I was like, you know what?

If that old bastard can do it, you know? And I got to admit, 55 in LA is like 32, the way these people work out out here. All right? And I'm sorry to the people in the middle of this country and down south. All right? I'm sure other people do that when they, when they insult you and then they say they're sorry, but you know, they're not, you know, I get that a lot at the end of my shows. I didn't think you were funny, you know?

I mean, I'm sorry. I didn't. And I'm always like, okay. Yeah. Because, you know, it's like, I know other people did, but you know, it's like, you know, I'm sorry. I just, I just didn't, why do you keep a, you're not sorry. You're not sorry.

Okay. I got it. You don't like me and I don't give a shit because you already paid for a ticket. You paid to watch me annoy you and I find that, I find that humorous. Um, anyways, let's plow ahead. So, I figured I gave myself 10 days to be able to fucking make it all the way up to this goddamn hill. And I just did it today.

I made it all the way up to the top. I'm not going to lie to you. I feel like I'm going to fucking die, but I actually made it up there. So now I don't know what to do. I thought that that was going to be my project. I would just do that every day and every day I get a little bit farther and while I would focus on the carrot in front of me, I would just drop this booze weight. Right?

But what happens? The first fucking day I go all the way up the goddamn thing. So now what do I do? You know what I got to do? I got to join a gym and I got a troat of weights around. That's what I got to do. You know what? In the mail today I got a free 30 days at Gold's Gym.

Anybody work at a gym? How is this free 30 days going to work out for me? Sign up for free 30, for free 30. I can't even fucking talk. The hell's wrong with me? I know what's wrong with me. I fucking flown like 200 hours on a plane the last goddamn two months. You should have seen this fucking douchebag putting his coat in the overhead compartment

on my flight out here. I couldn't tell if this guy had the biggest yarmulke on I'd ever seen in my life or he had just shrunk his jazz hat. You know those little jazz hats that those black guys wear and then the white guys wear when they get into jazz to try to act like they get it too. You know those ones? They're the African colors. And you just sit there talking about Charlie Parker and your version of salt peanuts or

whatever the fuck it is. And I don't know what it was. Any Jewish people listening to this shit? Huh? Let me ask you a question. Is it technically still a yarmulke when it almost goes to the front of the guy's hairline and all the way to the... I mean this thing, it looked like a...

What does that thing the Mexicans do? They use the tortilla, right? How fucking ignorant am I of every goddamn culture out there? I thought a yarmulke was... A beanie? Is that incorrect? I call him a beanie for a long time and I always used to get looks. I was like, yeah, the guy had the fucking beanie thing.

And then I get looks and it's like all this because I cursed. I say fuck when I'm trying to gather my thoughts sometimes. The fucking beanie rather than saying the... Oh gee, what is that thing called? The beanie. I put the fucking in front of it and then it adds an extra edge to it inadvertently. And then people are like, oh my god, he doesn't like Jewish people with hats. Is it a beanie or is a beanie that thing with the little propeller on top of it?

And another question, did anybody ever have those? Is anybody old enough to actually answer that fucking question? Is that one of those Hollywood things? Cartoon things that they just acted like people used to have those back in the day? I know kids used to wear those little raccoon hats, you know? Back when there was game all over the place. You know, mothers made pies and stuck them on window sills. Stanley, if you're going to shoot it, you better cook it.

We're going to have to eat it, right? Did white people ever say that or do we just waste? Have we always just wasted shit? We've always had the MTV Cribs approach to fucking nature, haven't we? White people. Didn't Buffalo Bill used to just ride around shooting Buffalo in the head, laughing his ass off through that Foo Man shoe that connected to his sideburns? You know?

How much more did you increase your odds of having your legs sewed off? Like, sewed off. Sawed off while you drank brandy if you had that little fucking, that Foo Man shoe. What is that one called as far as the facial hair? I'm asking a lot of questions. Maybe I should have done some research. The only person I've seen with that is that guy Lemmy from Motorhead and then afterwards the dude from Metallica had it.

He had it for a minute there. James Hetfield. Why don't we get to the questions here? I seem to be asking a lot of questions here. Why don't I get to some of your questions and I'll try to answer them. Question. Bill, I have two questions. I can't help but notice these fucking annoying commercials and ads about selling your gold.

I wondered whether or not you thought this was a conspiracy to round up all the gold still owned by individuals so that when the dollar completely tanks, the people won't have anything of worth for themselves. No, I don't think it's a conspiracy. I just think that those guys late night are doing a much smaller version of the scam that bankers did originally. What they're doing is they're taking gold and they're just giving people a piece of paper for it. But it's not as bad as when the banks did it. The banks did it. They said give us your gold and we'll give you these little pieces of paper that are redeemable.

Anytime you want, you can come back and get your gold. And needless to say, eventually you couldn't claim your gold anymore and they just sort of kept it. No one knows where it is because you can't audit them. So yeah, that's what those guys are doing. They're anticipating probably the tanking of the dollar. I don't know if you guys have you seen those commercials? I used to do a bit about it. If you got an old class ring, if you got a broken bracelet, if you got some busted jewelry,

send in your gold and we will give you cash for it. That's what they're doing. For those of you who think I'm a fucking moron, if you had a sandwich shop and somebody walked in and tried to buy a sandwich with some rubles, you tell them to go fuck themselves. But if somebody who came from a country that used to use rubles but had a handful of gold, you still would be like, dude, what the fuck? I don't know what gold is trading at, but you'd know that the gold had value.

That's the great thing about gold. All around the fucking world, you can get yourself a goddamn sandwich with a piece of gold. I challenge you to buy anything with the fucking rubles. Go ahead and do it. Or some defunct the yen. Do they have that anymore in Japan? Bill, you're getting in over your head. Shut the fuck up. Just keep moving.

So no, I don't think that that's a conspiracy. I just think that that's one of the oldest scams in the book. And J.P. Morgan and the guys, was it Jekyll's Island or whatever? Federal Reserve, those guys perfected it. God bless them. Shame on us. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool us for a fucking hundred years and yeah, we're fucking morons.

Okay, next one. Also, I'll be coming to Cleveland to see you and wondered if the same guy that opened for you in Pittsburgh will be opening for you in Cleveland as well. Oh, that was Doug Sinye. Doug Sinye getting some props. Doug Sinye's hilarious. I kind of rotate my openers. When I go to Cleveland, who's it going to be? Ryan Dalton and Jason Lawhead. Actually, two guys that I've known for about five years right now, they're based out of Cleveland.

Travel all around. Absolutely fucking hilarious. And I lose half my liver every time I go out there and work with them. So I love those guys and they're going to be opening. They're fucking hilarious. So if you're wondering if I'm going to have a funny opener, yes I am. Next question. Bill, as a say of Bill's and a Sabres fan, I think I have it the worst with two lost Stanley cups and four lost Super Bowls and 11 years of 11 years without a playoff appearance. Do you think I'm right? No, I don't. I do not. I think you definitely have it bad.

But for the longest time, everybody talked about Boston and then we won a bunch of shit. So that was over and they have been talking about the Cubs, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I think the worst city to be a fan in right now is Cleveland. Very quietly, those guys have gone my entire life and nobody has won anything. The Cleveland Browns have never won a Super Bowl. The Cleveland Cavaliers have never won an NBA championship and the Cleveland Indians haven't won a World Series since 1948. So unless you're in your 70s, for all extensive purposes, the Indians have never won a World Series. Do you understand that? Because you've got to be like at least like eight years old, nine years old to remember a fucking World Series.

Now some douchebags are going to email me. Actually, I was six years old when the Tigers won it in 68. Who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying. Don't be a cunt. All right? So I would say that they have it worse. But yeah, you guys are, you know, you're right there. You're right there with them. That's one of those things that's like, do you really want to win that argument? Remember a long time ESPN, a long time ago ESPN did, who had the worst curse, the Boston Red Sox or the Chicago Cubs? And they did this stupid trial and they had like George Went from Cheers, who's a Chicago guy.

He's arguing to be like, no, we're more miserable. And it's just like, all right, you want to win that contest? That's all you. Who the fuck would want to win the misery contest? That's really beyond me. So congratulations. You didn't win it. I think people in Cleveland are worthy. How do you think those guys feel? Half the fucking guys with World Series rings this year used to be on the fucking Indians. Or half the guys in the World Series, right? CC, Sabathia.

Fuck, who was the other guy? God damn it. I had him right at the tip. I got to stop talking on my cell phone. Manny Ramirez. Okay, we'll see how the last couple years. Manny Ramirez, the Red Sox bought him, right? CC, Sabathia, the fucking Yankees bought that dude via the Brewers. Who else? Did Jim Tomey play on the Phillies last year? I mean, the Indians should have won it. They should have won it. But the way baseball is, you know, it's not competitive anymore.

That's why I'm kind of, I think I'm tapping out on baseball. I don't give a shit anymore. I don't know. In my World Competition, I actually wrote an email to a guy about this. I mean, my World Competition is our best guys versus your best guys. Best team wins. That's, to me, is competition. I don't think competition is our best guys plus your best guys versus whatever the fuck you have left. Stupid. You know? Do you remember when you were kids and you'd be choosing upsides? You know, and right off the bat, if two of the best guys were on the same side or in the end, it seemed uneven.

People would, and when I was from there, it was called SMUCK. I've never heard that anywhere else. It was like sucked with an eminent, smuck. People would be like, no, smuck teams. These teams are smuck. I didn't know what the fuck that means. That should have been said like during the Little Rascals era, but some reason it was said during my childhood, these are smuck teams. So then you had to break them up. You had to break up the evil empire.

The fucking Yankees or the Red Sox, Dodgers or whatever, any one of these teams. I mean, the Yankees are in a league of their own, but you know what I'm saying. Red Sox and all them are just as much part of the fucking problem. They would break up any of those. Kids know enough to break up those fucking teams. All right? Anyways, plowing ahead. Let's read...

What the fuck was I going to read here? Questions? I already did that. This is called broads over there. Broads over there. I don't know what the hell this is. Let's read this one. Bill, I've been a fan of yours sometime. I just wanted to tell you that I think you're great. Thank you. Why don't I fucking delete those?

I think you're comedy, but... All right, anyways, the reason I am writing you is to tell you a funny story. My girl, dating five plus years now, and I live in Tucson, Arizona, and she is always bitching at me saying, we never do anything anymore. Well, my job is very consuming of my time, and I realized that she was correct. So what do I do? So what I do is I try to come up with something we could do together

that would be entertaining and unique. Something different that is not an average night out in Tucson. See, the guy's using his brain trying to surprise her. Anyways, I've been telling her about your comedy and showing her clips of you that I found on your MySpace page for the past few months. She really seemed to enjoy it and laughed hysterically. So I planned this great evening for the 20th of November,

which goes something like this. Head up to Tempe, have a nice dinner, and head over to the improv, and watch your show, your 8 o'clock show. Well, I bought the tickets and thought I would surprise her with the whole thing. She loved the idea, and she was very excited, and I was pleased to see her excited about the event. Well, we were telling our friends about it, and she sort of says this. Well, it's his evening, and I'm just sort of tagging along.

I got to admit that I was a little upset at this point because I intended this whole thing to be a gift from me to her, which is funny because this is very similar to the story that you told on the October 19th podcast when you took your girl in the Corvette up to PCH. She just sort of shut me down. So my question to you is, why is it never enough? What a great question.

Do you realize you just asked the question of probably every guy on this fucking podcast? Hold on. I'm just going to pause here while the women roll their eyes. Oh, my God, that's bullshit. That's not true. It's just, you know, you got to use your imagination. Women like surprises.

They just fucking... Shut up. Just shut up, would you? Just shut up and take off all those fucking layers. It's not the 1800s, you know? With your panties and your pantyhose and your slip and your fucking skirt. All right.

What am I talking about? I don't know. Anyways, wait, I lost my place. So my question to you is, why is it never enough? I can do everything she wants, but she will still find a way to make me look like an asshole. Making me... Making it seem like I'm dragging her around

and making her do all that stuff that I want to do. I guess that is why I relate to your comedy because it seems that she is only happy when we do all the things that she wants to do. You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about? With brunch, street fairs and the candle store. Nevertheless, we are going and really looking forward

to seeing you in person. I hope to see you after the show, selling some CDs and DVDs. All right. Why is it never enough? I don't know. I don't know why. I don't know if it's an insecurity that they are always questioning

whether you truly love them or not. I have no idea. I don't know why. I mean, I would think that... All right. Look at me. Okay, I rented a Corvette for the day. Corvette convertible,

and I drove my girl all around LA. We went up the fucking Pacific Coast Highway, looked at the ocean. We had lunch. I took her out to this beautiful bar late at night. I drove her through the Hollywood Hills with the top down, looking at the stars, looking at the lights out over the city.

I thought it was a very romantic thing, and then I got on the podcast, and she was just like, yeah, that was really your thing. I just did that for you. I just sort of sat there in a $70,000 automobile, you know, seeing views that people fly six hours to see,

and just got a free lunch out of it and free fucking drinks, and... You ever watch The Price Is Right? Did I just spit on my own microphone? You ever watch The Price Is Right? You ever watch The Price Is Right? Sure, we all have. Okay, getting a Corvette,

I mean, like, and then going to that restaurant and driving up to PCH, and looking at the lights, and going out to the fucking bar in the hotel with John Belushi O'Deed. Isn't that, that sounds like one of those showcases that you bid on. Are you gonna bid or are you gonna pass?

You know? Oh, dude, you know what? Speaking of that, I was watching... I was watching The Price Is Right the other day, and I had like a white guilt moment. Okay? This black dude goes up to go spin the big fucking wheel. All right?

And you know the deal. For those of you who don't live in this country, you basically, you spin the wheel. Whoever comes closest to a dollar without going over gets to then go on and bid on the big prizes. All right? That's for people in England and Australia, and I'll let you email me if you don't know the show.

So basically, they have every denomination from 5 cents, 10 cents, 15, 30, 40, 45, 50, 55, 60, all the way up to $1. So this like 55-year-old black dude spins the wheel, and it stops on 30 cents. Okay? Now, you can decide to stay or spin again. Now, I'm not a fucking mathematician,

but I think you want to hit on 30 cents, right? You want... He's looking out at the crowd, and I'm like, is this guy fucking kidding me? And I'm kind of laughing going, all right, he's a little bit old. He's a little bit older, right? His family's going to straighten it out for him,

and he looks out in the crowd. I don't know if they told him... I don't know what the fuck they told him. But he goes, I'm going to stay. He stayed on 30 cents. And I'm looking at Drew Carey going like, all right, I know what Bob Barker would do. Bob Barker would be like, okay, wait a minute.

You sure you want to stay on this? 30 cents is really low. He would have helped him through it. But Drew Carey just went like, he's going to stay on 30 cents. All right, let's bring up the next person. So the dude is standing there with the 30 cents up above him, and I wanted to laugh my ass off and be like,

what a stupid fuck. But then I felt guilty because it was a black dude, and I'd be white laughing at this black guy, like he's a moron. And that's the worst thing about racists, is they ruined your ability to be able to laugh at a moron because he's another color. Then all of a sudden it becomes this ugly thing.

You know, I don't give a fuck what color you are. If you're playing a game, where you're trying to come close to a dollar and you stop at 30 cents, you're a fucking moron, and I should be able to laugh. And I was laughing, and then I felt bad, and then I actually thought, oh shit, someone's going to take that clip,

and they're going to put it up on YouTube, and then someone's going to write a bunch of racist shit underneath it. Rather than sticking with the subject that this individual, who happens to be a black dude, is a fucking moron. You know? Or at the very least, didn't understand how the game worked.

Look at that. I still had to give him the benefit of the doubt. A fucking game show that's been on 40 fucking years. Jesus Christ, how did I get on that subject? Alright, let's get back here. So my question is, why is it never enough? You know what? My girl's got the flu right now.

How funny would it be if I actually called her in here right now with the flu to ask her this question? I'm really jeopardizing my relationship. Should I do it, everybody? I think I'm going to do it. Hang on one second. Let me see if I can get her in here.

Hold on. Hey, Nia. Nia. Can you come in here and add to the bar? I have a question. Alright, she's coming in. Don't say anything, alright? Watch me spin us my way through this.

Yeah, just come on in for a second. Alright. Making her way in, ladies and gentlemen. Making her triumph from return to the podcast. Look at you. You're officially sick. Yeah. Officially sick.

Pajamas, socks. Is that orange juice? It's orange juice. You got any booze in there? No, I just like it on the rocks. Okay. The phone is ringing. Yes, it is.

Everything. Don't worry, Cleo will get it. Alright, here's a question for you. Here's a question one of my listeners had. Alright. I'm not trying to be hostile here. This is a female question. I know we had a big battle about that dude who punched

that chick in the face, right? Yes, we did. Rihanna. Rihanna and Chris Brown. And Chris Brown. We had a big argument on the plane about that. Really bad. Alright.

Should we talk about that argument or should we get into this? Why don't we get into this? And then we'll do the argument. Then we'll wrap it up. Then we'll segue. Then we'll segue. There you go. Alright.

I'll read this to you and then you have to come closer to the mic here. Don't look over my shoulder. She reads way faster than me. It makes me self-conscious. Alright. Basically, there's this guy. He's got a girl. I want to paraphrase.

Listeners don't have to listen to this shit again. They've been dating for five years. She always complains that they never do anything because the job is very time-consuming. He admits this. His job is time-consuming. His job is very time-consuming. Okay.

Okay. Alright. We're on the same page. We're ready to go. Okay. Listen, she starts coughing when she laughs. Don't make me laugh. I've been doing this to her every day, all day long.

I make her laugh so she starts coughing. You're terrible. She's like, Oh. Listen, you suddenly... Stop it. You suddenly worked in a mine. Listen to that.

That's horrible. I don't know. God, how did I ever find you attractive? Oh my God. I'm joking. You know I'm joking. I told you you're adorable. Alright.

So anyways, anyway... He never takes her anywhere. Easy. Easy. She says... Oh my God. This is horrible. You sound horrible.

Alright. I'm listening. Stop doing that. Be a performer here. Okay. Alright. Alright. Cherry Lewis would have just...

Yeah. Suck down. Anyways. What? Lady. See. What a great sense of humor she's got. Even with 105 degrees.

So no, it's not that he doesn't take her. She just said he doesn't take her anyway. Okay. I'm sorry. Do you understand that? Yes. I understand. Okay.

He has a time consuming job. She complains that they don't go a lot of places. She's claiming that they don't go anywhere. And he admits that he works a lot. And he might not have enough time there. Okay. Just don't side with the broad because she has a twat here. Alright.

Really? Yeah. I know. I had to go there. Makes the guys laugh. Alright. So anyways. So then he just...

So he decides he's going to take her somewhere. So he sees that I'm going to be coming in town, right? He starts showing clips of me on my space page. Of course she starts laughing because I'm fucking hilarious. Right? We know this. And handsome. Thank you.

Alright. So he goes, alright. This is perfect. So he gets tickets to my 8 o'clock show. He's going to take her out to dinner. He's going to take her out to the comedy show. She says, that's not a good idea. He says, yeah.

So we psyched. He feels like he's fixed the problem. So the next night they're talking about it to their friends. And he says where he's going to go and what they're going to do. What should we have done? What should we have do? Remember that? No?

Reservoir dogs? Oh yeah. So you like telling jokes, huh? Giggling like a bunch of girls in a school yard. Sorry. I know I do bad impressions. Terrible. Terrible, I know.

So anyway, so then he finally ends up saying it to... She brings it up in front of her friends. And she said, well, it's his evening and I'm just sort of tagging along. Alright? And he goes, I got to admit that I was a little upset at that to a point because I intended this whole evening thing to be a gift from me to her. So he goes, it reminded me of when you took your girl out on the Corvette and you said the same thing.

Right? So he says, my question to you is why is it never enough? I don't think that it's... I love it. Your tongue tied. What are you doing right now? No, say what you're exactly... Say exactly what you're thinking.

Don't do this. Is you're trying to figure a way to spin this shit. Don't spin it. I'm not spinning it because it's not like it's not enough. But I think where she's coming from, it's not like the whole... He... You're done. You're done.

It's over. Like I said, it comes from this point of insecurity that you guys never feel loved enough. Can you listen to me? It's hard, but yeah, okay. He is a fan of yours first. She became a fan of yours, but he is like a long time fan. So even though she would enjoy seeing your show, of course, it's... He has more of a connection to you and your comedy than she does.

He has more invested because he's... He likes you and she just heard of you, I guess, when he introduced her to your clips on YouTube and stuff. So in a way, it's like, oh, well I like it and I'll show it to her and oh, she thinks it's funny. I'll make a night out of it. But it's not as if I don't know what else she likes. I mean, I'm sure she likes going shopping and... So basically the fact that... So he didn't say, hey, you know what?

I have the afternoon free. You want to like go to the farmer's market or go like window shopping or whatever. That would have been an evening or an afternoon all about her. That's like the difference. And so... Can I interrupt right now? Yes. It's a relationship.

There's two people. It's not her birthday. I understand if it's her birthday, it's all about her. She goes, you never take me anywhere. So basically the problem here is the place that he's taking her to. He can actually have a good time at. He should actually take her to something that he doesn't want to do. No, I think the issue is that she would have maybe preferred it if it was 100% all about her.

So you guys are selfish. Specifically that she wanted to do. I don't know if she's selfish or not. Well, it sounds like she's being a little bratty about it. I'll take that. That was very... You know what? I appreciate that.

You know what? The fact that you actually admitted at least to that, now I can listen to your opinion a lot more open-mindedly. She's being a little bratty to throw that in there, especially to her friends. What do you think I would do? What do you think I would do if you did that? If you made that comment in front of your friends. Okay, and then I've already stopped talking to us.

We're coming home. All we hear is this silent whir of our Prius. See how it starts off, Julie? I don't think I was being bratty, though, when I made the remark. No, I understand it now. What it was was, I loved the Corvette long before I loved you. It really was something more about me then. Was I smiling too much that day?

Is that what bugged you? No, listen. As awesome as it was to ride in a Corvette down the PCH Malibu, that was fucking amazing. It was not one of the things that I had on my mind as something fun to do. When you mentioned it, I was like, yeah, that sounds awesome. When we did it, it was even better. No, well, well, wait a minute. As far as your days that you've had out here in LA, where does that one rank?

It's like number two to my birthday. See? Yeah. A random day in October, so that was a fucking big time score and you still had to be like, wow, that was really kind of your thing. Why would you do that? You just said that I wasn't being bratty when I said it. No, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait. I have memory problems. Wait, when did I say I wasn't being bratty? I said you weren't being bratty with what? Before, I said I don't think that I was being bratty when I said the thing about that. And you were like, no, no, no. I see where I see where you're coming from. You just said it.

Well, that's not what I meant. Oh, great. How convenient. Look, I can't remember anything. I don't have any short-term memory anymore. So I don't know who that guy was. I don't even know if I was agreeing with you. You know what?

I'm never taking this stand if I ever kill anybody because I'm not going to be able to test it. It was a nice thing that you did and it was unnecessary for me to say that. All right, you guys have to hang on a second while I kiss my sick girlfriend. There you go. See that? It wasn't necessary. See that, guys? I didn't have to slap her around.

I didn't have to call her any of them names over there, like Chris Brown. Oh, I don't- And it was unnecessary for her to say that because he was trying to do a nice thing. Yes, he is more of a fan of you than she is making it more of a better and more interesting fun night for him than for her, even though she would have enjoyed it, but it was unnecessary. Anyway, let me ask you this. Now, would most women just automatically see that with the idea? So then would she get self-conscious and feel like she had to call it out before they said

it? Would she maybe say that because she's kind of embarrassed? Yeah, because if he said it, you know, what are you doing? Oh, he's taking me. See this guy, Bill Burry. He says, cunt every other word. That's what he's doing on this romantic night. God damn it, I think she might be right.

You know what? Yeah, I bet what happened was, oh, what is your boyfriend doing? Oh, what are you guys doing? Oh, we're going to dinner and then we're going to a comedy show. And I don't think that's necessarily the first thing on a woman's mind when it comes to a romantic evening. Okay, last question. Tell me, you didn't feel like you were dating Paul Newman when we were driving up the fucking

PCH with the top down? It was pretty impressive. You didn't feel like Nia Woodward? I did. You did? Exactly. It was a fucking great idea. The valet, like, ran up to us when we pulled into the parking lot.

Oh, and put it in a special spot. Oh, my God. Back then underneath that overhang, so the shade would be all nice and cool. It was pretty hot. You know? They don't do that when you pull up in the Prius, do they? No, they do not. Stick that bitch right out in the sun.

All right, so let's get on to our argument. So, we're flying back from New York City. How amazing was I at Town Hall? You were amazing. Standing ovation. That's right. You fucking run am. How insecure am I that I had to make you say that for the sixth time?

You're insecure, but I love you. Exactly. All right, so let's plow ahead here. So we're flying back from, where we were, Boston at that point, and I don't know, we'd already watched the YouTube clip or whatever. When I had gone on TV talking to Diane Sawyer, breaking it down, talking about, you know, getting the shit kicked out of her by that dude with the beaver teeth, right? He really looks like a buck to beaver.

He does. He has no business being a pop star. He bit her too, right? He did. Why wouldn't you? You got to utilize your weapons. So we're sitting there, and it's this really sad interview. She's just like, I just felt silly and stupid.

No, you need to do your imagination. So this is what I did. So it started off as a joke, and I said, all right, this is my impression. So wrong. All right. I'd like to go on record and saying that I feel this is so wrong, but I always laugh at the things you do that are so wrong. All right, well, this is the deal.

I was talking about how they, she was just saying that, you know, I found an inappropriate text message and then things escalated. And then next thing you know, he caved in my cheek and started biting me and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was just like, you know what? She left out a lot of the details. And because what I've learned with arguing with women is when women argue when they're not winning or they're not getting you to admit that you're wrong, that at some point

they make this switch in there where they're just like, I'm just going to make this person as mad as I possibly can by using every ounce of information that I know about them. So, truth. You know what? That's as good as a yes. Anyway, so this is one of those in the moment jokes. I can't even remember what they said. I said, this is my impression of the conversation before.

I can't remember how I did it though. I was like, where'd she see from Barbados? But for some reason I started doing this really bad Jamaican accent. And I go, Yaman, Yaman, who'll be sending you the text man? Yo, fuck you, bitch. I ain't got to say nothing. Yaman, who gave you the text message you fucking buck tooth be? I can't remember.

Somebody talked about his teeth. And you were laughing your fucking ass off. I can never recreate that. That's why I had to tap out and you were laughing your fucking ass off and it was totally wrong. But then like halfway through it, I started making my point of how I'm so sick of every time a woman gets the shit kicked out of her, not every time, but all these women, they always get to show guys in that bad light of all these guys who beat the shit out of their women.

But they never show when women fuck over guys ever in those situations. Ever. Like, you know, the situations that I've seen where, you know, a friend of mine, you know, she slammed the door into him and then just called the cops and said that he hit her. And they, without question, arrest him. And then that fucked up his job. And now everybody looks at him like he's a wife beat her and he never even did it. How come Oprah never does shows about that?

That was our big argument. And then she somehow, you know, me, the way I say shit, somehow it seemed like I was advocating that the guy did nothing wrong. Or that like just, you know, all women are these horrible manipulative. Yes. You're not, you're not horrible manipulative creatures, but you guys, you definitely manipulate. Can I burn a joke here? That fucking milkshake joke?

I'll burn it. I don't have that many listeners. I'll still probably do it on my special. I don't give a fuck. So here's a little tease, kind of like when you see a movie trailer. This is kind of a bit I'm doing on my, my special. This is what my girlfriend did one night when I was driving home. This is how much they manipulate, or as I call it, lie to get what they want.

I was driving home and I was looking at this fucking, there was this diner and I was driving home and it was late and I was like, you know, hey, you know, I'm going to stop there. I'm going to get one of those milkshakes and you were just like, oh my God. I hate when you do that generic female voice. Fuck you. It's hilarious. Let's not forget at the end of the day, my job is to make those people laugh. Okay, Nia, you don't understand these people work hard all week.

These were Americans. They need to come out and forget about their problems. No, whatever. I don't have, what am I? Mel Blanc. I got one fucking voice. I do. Nice reference.

I watch cartoons. Really? Is that all it takes to impress you on a first date? That's how you ended up with me. He knows who does the voice of Bugs Bunny. This guy's a keeper. I think this guy will be able to provide. What?

When I hooked up, we'll save that for another one. But you got it. You got to tell me, huh? He had to be impressed with my skills. Yeah. Well, yes. You see that? They just won't give it up.

This guy was fucking cock-blocking me on an Olympic level. He saw I was going to hook up. He actually tried to split a cab with you on the way home and I got around that. Got around that. What happened? I fucking put the cards. I went all in, just like World Series of Poker. I went all fucking in.

She was trying to be all coy with the little Sammy Davis Jr. hat on. Trying to play all hard to get, thinking you were dealing with the sophomore in fucking college. I didn't have any fucking lines. All right, all right. Yeah. When that douchebag kept coming over, cock-blocking me, he invited, we were all set. I was hanging out.

I'm going to tell her right now. We were hanging out, right? Me and this other dude, and all of a sudden, Nia shows up, right? And I can see the vibe. I see the look on her face. I know she wants it. No. I just, you know.

And we had met before. Shut up. You look great. Nice big smile, and you're being flirtatious, and I immediately liked you, right? So you went to the bathroom. You're with a friend. I'm with a friend. Every guy knows what you're supposed to do.

Take that fucking battleaxe out of the picture, okay? Take one for the team. I can't remember who to fuck you with. So if it's one of your friends, I apologize. Yeah, not a battleaxe. Whatever. All right. A war memorial.

So what is this fucking? He goes the opposite route. I said, you went to the bathroom. I said, listen, I'm really doing well with this girl, all right? So, dude, I had to, like, he was like a chick. Are you going to be your wingman? No, I had to be like, so if I'm not paying attention to you, don't get upset. This is how, like, female this dude was, right?

So I fucking, he is what he ends up doing, okay? The fucking guy ends up, as we're going to leave, you know? I'm thinking, okay, he's going to try to peel off with your girl who's not a battleaxe, and he just goes, he invites another dude over, and goes, hey, you guys all want to get something to eat? Remember? Yeah. And he invited us over.

Now we're sitting there. It's me, you, you're not so battleaxe friends, and three other fucking cocks are sitting there, and I'm trying to hit on you. And he keeps jumping in, and then he goes, hey, Nia, where do you live? Oh, I live up that way. You want to split a cab? Remember that? I do.

And I had to be like, no. No. No, you didn't. It was over at that point. I made the move. Remember that? I said, are you at least? But before he fucking said that shit, he was doing everything.

I remember I didn't have any cash, and I pulled out my credit card. I said, you guys just give me the cash, or just put it on my credit card, and he goes, oh, he's just trying to get the miles. Remember that? Anything could do to make me look like a shithead. You paid for the whole thing. I thought you were like, bam. I'm paying for the whole meal.

No. No, no, everyone gave you money. No, no, they gave me money because I didn't have any cash. This is how I got you, which you was sitting there, and I said, look, are we at least going to be able to split a cab? Because I wanted to go over and have a drink with you. Right. And I was like, at least we'll be able to split a cab.

And then you're like, why? Why do you want to split a cab? Just putting up the roadblock. That's when I went all in. I said, because I want to kiss you. Bam. Right. And then that was it.

I didn't fucking talk to you after that. Yeah, and you sat there with that little stunned look on your face. Then what happened? Then we walked outside. Then we walked out. That was the shit. That was one of the greatest. I used to, the fucking guys like that used to always get me.

I fucking nailed that. Stuck the landing. Like a male Mary Lou Retton. And you know what the best part was? Then I stood up and at that point I was like, fuck it. I said what I wanted to do. All the shit is in. I don't need to talk to you anymore.

And I sort of peeled off, right? And then everybody got up to leave. And then you kind of tucked me on the shoulder and said, don't worry. You said like, don't worry. We're going to split a cab up time. And then I'm like, oh, this is going to be great. Because now I'm in, and now I'm going to get, you get to watch that little fucking cock block, get his balls knocked on the fucking sidewalk.

And that's what happened. He came out, right? He clapped his hands. Remember that? He came out just like this. He was just like, so you guys ready to go? And you were like, yeah, actually we're taking a cab. And he was, and he was so in cock block mode, he still didn't know.

He's like, no, I live right near you. And you were like, listen, we're taking a cab and we're going uptown. You leaned over and you said it. And then that's when he realized that everyone realized he was a cock block in douche. And then what did he do? He goes, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, I mean, yeah, you just fucking peeled off, huh? Then what happened? We can't talk about that.

My other fucking classic line, where I fucking reeled you in was a masterpiece. Fucking masterpiece. Then we got in the cab and you said, I thought, I thought you were going to kiss me. And we fucking drive it like a maniac and I go, I can't, the cab's jumping around too much. I go, I'll kiss you at the first red light. He's really trying to like drag it out. You were trying to make this whole like.

I was fucking seducing you and it worked, right? Then we hit the fucking red light. I put one on you, bam, right? Couldn't feel your fucking feet. I'm going to make this story last nine hours long. And then you know what happened? Then I sat back and I was playing Mr. fucking cool again, like I'm fucking Walt Frazier in 1972.

Oh, the callback to the Knicks from an hour ago, right? Then what happened? We stopped again and I'm sitting there looking out the window and you go, it's another red light. Right? And then, and then we heard that cheesy saxophone from every fucking sexy movie in the 80s, right? And then you were going, I'm not going home with you. I'm not going home with you.

Now, whenever they say that, guys, you know, they're not going home with you. You know that shit. So what you have to do is you have to constantly make them feel like it's safe and they're in control. So actually, before you said, you weren't going home with me, I felt your vibe. I knew the deal. So I just said, listen, I know we're not going home together, but I'm really having a good time with you.

I'd like to have another drink with you. All right. I know a nice bar. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, and bam. Right? And I did not go home with you. You didn't go home with me. We had like fucking eight more drinks and made out for like the next five hours in that fucking

Hell's Kitchen bar. Had a great time. Yeah. There you go. So there's a little story. There's your little backstory, hour and one fucking minutes. There you go. Oh, you know, God damn it.

I didn't get to this. You want to, you want to hear something that's going to make your, your fucking privates crawl? Sorry. It was disgusting. I'm out of funny shit. I'm over time right now. Listen to this guy.

You know, I was talking about that, that cunt down there at the diner that one day. Remember that guy? Go back to Jersey, you fucking faggot, whatever the hell he said. So people, people were talking about, people were talking about like all the, you know, all the assholes and the confrontations and some people had the confrontations. Some people won the fights. Some people lost the fight. Some people won and got sued.

Other people walked away and had the fucking anger like I did. So he goes podcast the bullies point of view. This is from the bully. Listen to this. This is really interesting. Bill, I just listened to your last two podcasts and listened to the stories of these guys that went, that want to beat people when they're bullied. Well, I think I'm the bully.

I've got a hundred stories, but I'll give you two short ones. All right. Fat people bother me. This guy's awesome. Fat people bother me. Smelly people do too. Combine the two and give me lots of alcohol and I go off. So I'm down the, down the hatch in Manhattan and fat smelly, and fat smelly guys come in.

I can't help but tell them that they are an embarrassment to the white American race. This is where he becomes like this Aryan psychopath. I guess this isn't funny anymore. And he goes, and I'm tired of picking up their slack. Now, if he's just saying that to be funny, that's fucking hilarious for one white person to say that to another white person. You're an embarrassment to the white race and I'm tired of picking up the slap. Take a fucking walk at least.

He goes, they don't say a word. So I slap one right across the face. He goes, why? I'm not sure. What's that movie you love there with Christian Bale? American Psych? Yeah. I think this is the guy.

I'd love to see his business card. He goes, there's six of them. I have four or five guys with me, but they wouldn't have known that. And they just walked away out the door probably to grab some fried food. But the point is they didn't do anything. Did I feel bad about it? Not really. It's a pretty funny story to tell when I'm drunk.

I have a feeling that most of the stories are funny or wouldn't be funny. Oh, these stories are hilarious. I don't even know if they're true, but these are fucking making me laugh. I'm reading an element. Story two, so I'm at a bar with a couple of guys and there's a midget in it. For some reason, I don't notice the little man, but my friends do and the midget jokes commence and one of the little men's friends says something to my friend. I told him to shut the fuck up and poured my corona on him.

He didn't know what to do. 10 minutes later, I ordered a shot and saw him near the bar and tossed that at him too. He did nothing. Why? Because 98% of the time, people don't know how to react and clam up. It's not just your listeners or you. It's mostly everyone, so don't feel bad about freezing up and missing your opportunity. And you're right that we don't always get what we deserve.

I've been kicked out of more bars than I can remember. I've had sex with more women than I can remember and showed all of my friends pictures of them. Where did it get me? To a six figure salary. Wait a minute, you just want it to be fake. You want it to be fake. I do want it to be fake. Nia, have you ever seen an asshole who takes what he wants, not bang the hottest fucking

women out there? Ever. Thank you. Alright, let's continue. One more thing. Yes, so this will make you feel great. All these guys on your podcast keep talking about picking up girls or being scared to talk to them or being rejected.

Listen, kids. I love this. He's talking down to them. Most of you are in college or your senior years of high school. Fucking go out there and crush some pussy. Have trouble talking to girls? Here's what you do. Go to your classes, come back to your dorm room and take a nap or play Madden or do whatever

till around 1 AM. Go get a fake ID or chalk your ID and move out to the bar about one hour before they close. Scope out the action and search for blood. Be a shark. Look for the over-inebriated, the overweight, the low self-esteem. Make it happen. He's screaming now.

Make it happen. He's giving a little halftime speech here. Be blunt. Ask a girl if you can grab a little titty, stick a hand down a chick's pants when you're on a dance floor. Be aggressive. What? All that shit works, Nia.

I'm not gonna lie to you. Oh, putting your hand down some girls' pants on a dance floor. You just don't fucking do it. You just start doing other areas that are gateways to that area. I would fucking kick this asshole in the balls. Lies, lies, lies, yeah. What if he turns you on? What if he worked out?

What if he was a dick and he was shredded and he just knew it was gonna be some great fucking stress-relieving cock, Nia? You know what you're being right now? Right now you're being talk show audience, Nia. Let me tell you something. Anybody puts their hand on my ass, they're getting their ass kicked. You're full of shit, Nia. If you...

I'm not full of shit. All right, whatever. You're sick. I'll let you go. Oh, and never play up the nice guy thing. You go in there, look like you've done this a hundred times, scared of performing. Don't worry. They won't remember it anyways.

And chances are they've had worse. All right, so this guy's cocky. You know I love about him. He's cocky for good reasons and also cocky for no reasons. I mean... What are his good reasons for being cocky again? What are his accomplishments? What does he look like?

I don't know. Well, he slaps fat people, he makes fun of friends of midgets and he fucks girls who are too drunk to say no. And now he makes six figures. There you go. Come on. You know, he was trying to be funny. But you know, he decided, you know, now you got the attitude.

You don't care if she cum stays, lays or prays. You ever see them? Remember that guy? D'Amone? No. You know what's funny? You know what's funny about you? You already have that look on your face when you meet a guy who doesn't give a fuck.

The same way I didn't. You got that look on your face. That fucking look that let me know that someday you are going to be in my bedroom. Which you are. I just didn't count on me falling for you. That's where I fucked up. That's where you turned the tables on me. Huh?

Cutie pie? All right. That's it. That's it for the podcast. You fucking twats. You guys... What is wrong with you? I got to end on a laugh and sometimes we don't have a joke, you go dirty.

I'm teaching these people how to be a comedian. If I was on... If they could see me, I just would have made a funny face. That's all my act is. I curse words and silly faces. All right. That's the podcast for this week. I apologize to you motherfuckers for, you know, taking so goddamn long.

But I hope you enjoy it and my next gig is Tempe, the improv in Tempe, Arizona. I appreciate it. Anybody who can come out, please come out to the show because it's getting close to my special and tickets will be going on sale. For my special, I will have information next Monday. Repeat. Actually, check in on my website, billbird.com. I might have a special announcement this week and if you want to be in on tickets as

soon as you can, sign up for my mailing list at billbird.com. Just sign up under the city, the closest major city and I'll send out an email right before I do the announcement. That'll be your little plus for getting on my mailing list. Look at that. You have a little business skill there. You like that? Look at me.

All right. Let's go have some pork chat. What the fuck are we eating for dinner? Wow. You don't feel like cooking anymore? I took you to Sweden in August. You drove in a Corvette in fucking October and you're not going to cook. What the fuck am I supposed to eat?

You're not sick. You've been laughing your ass off. You're coming out of it. You're too silly to be sick. I'll make pasta. Okay? Huh? Pasta.

Pasta. That's what I ate when I was single and I was fucking struggling. Really? Can I eat it on like of the fucking back of a chair the way I used to? I used to put the plate right where you sit. I already told this fucking story. All right. Thank you everybody.

Have a wonderful week. I'll talk to you next Monday. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.