Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-1-16

Episode Date: December 2, 2016

Bill rambles about white shit, preachers and having Ebola.

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Visit genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. What's going on? Huh? Huh? Um, it's, uh, what the fuck is it? It's, um, it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning, podcast

it, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. I'm just checking in on ya. I'm just checking in on ya, just seeing how your week's going. Huh? Is it going the way you planned it? Did you have any plans? Think about that. That's like some self-help shit.

Think about that, people. Like, when you start your work week, do you have a plan? I mean, other than getting in your car, kissing your wife, or, or, or, or, or a husband, or, or, or, or, or, or a partner, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or and you drive down the street and, and, and you get yourself a coffee and you go into work. But, but do you have a plan beyond just taking the vessel that holds your salt into that workplace?

Do you have a plan? Cause I'll tell you right now, God has a plan. God has a plan for you and you and you and each and every one of you, but you have to listen. How can we know what our plan is, what his plan is for us? If we don't listen. That right there is why I don't go to church, the, the, the use of, of vocal dynamics. They always get way up.

Then they come in for the whisper, right? That's how it works. That's called the Sandusky. I'm sorry. Everyone from Penn State, I know your team's ranked. I know you're thinking you're going to fucking somehow slip and slide your way out of the horrors of that shower and that no asshole sports fan like me is going to bring it up. Oh no.

It's going to be brought up. Jesus Christ. I'm going to take all the shit I took for some fucking air pressure. You know, you think you're going to take down one goddamn statue? We all know you're going to put it back up one of these days. We all know Joey Paz coming back up. Where are you going to put it? Huh?

Where are you going to put it? Probably in the booster's room, right? When they bring all the money in, they're all sitting there going, it's okay, Joe. You didn't know it. We all know you never took a shower in fucking 60 years. Why am I, why am I doing this? You know what? I got a bunch of shit to do today.

That's the first thing that came to my head. You know why? Because God, God has a plan for me. He has a plan for me to go on this podcast each and every Thursday and just check in on your week. That's my mission. You know what? I finished Westworld and I have to rewatch the final episode again because I didn't get

it. All right. I didn't get it. I was fucking nodding off like a big headed drunk jackass on a cross country flight. Head waking me up. I didn't quite get it, but I know there's going to be a season two, so I would think there would be. I got to figure out what the fuck happened.

I'll watch it again, but it was really hard to watch it because my wife wasn't in. She wasn't into this series. Every time I would watch an episode, she would come in when the song was coming on and she would just sing along. She would sing like a robot's fucking people. People dressed like cowboys, something blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blue. What does it mean? I don't know.

There's certain kinds of white shit that Nia just can't watch. I found that it's like pre, I don't know what it is. There's a, I think anything pre happy days. She's just like, yeah, this was not, it's like the Louis CK bit. These weren't the good old days for us. So I think when she sees white dudes walking around in cowboy hats, yeah, she just does not get a good warm fuzzy feeling. Sorry.

If you've been tuning in late to the podcast, you haven't tuned in lately, I have a touch of Ebola, but fortunately it's just quarantined in my trope. You know what it is, is I got this cough and then I smoked a couple of cigars and then I came back into a house where, you know, whenever they say the job is finished, it's not finished. They have their punch list and that's all the shit they need to do and then the job's fucking done. So they keep kicking up dust here and anyways.

So Oh, Billy red velvet cake is the last few weeks was not working out cause he had this little bit of a cough and I am exaggerating the cough before you guys are like, Jesus shaking my head. Fuck my life. Lol. You only live once all over my Twitter account. I, yeah, I haven't been working out or anything. So I just got on the little fucking scale and in the five I lost.

But I just put it right back on. You know what I mean? I'm really disappointed in myself. So I did the half hour cardio this morning. Do it with me. Here you go everybody. I'm doing a half hour cardio every day. Every fucking day I'm getting on that fucking elliptical and I'm going to try to lose two

pounds a week, drop eight pounds, get my fucking fat freckled ass down to about a buck seventy five, sliding into the fucking new year. You know why? Cause God, God wants you to be skinny. He doesn't want you. One of the seven deadly sins is that spaghetti old fat eating motherfucker laying face down in his bowl of shit from that movie seven. So anyway, so I've gotten back in, I got my, I got the sports channels now.

So I've been watching my bro ends. Is there, you know, getting through this fucking season here, trying to figure out what's going to work. What doesn't, um, we lost to the filthy flyers. You know what sucks? Watch the first two periods, it was two nothing flyers and a very subdued, quiet fucking crowd too, which made me feel bad. You know what I mean?

Usually the Bruins and flyers get together. It's a rowdy fucking crowd. I think cause we're both fucking transition. I don't know. I, you know what? I haven't looked at the standings. Maybe the flyers are good this year. I don't know.

So I go out to the kitchen, you know, the brand new kitchen that still has the fucking punch list to make myself something to eat and I swear to God, I felt like I was gone for five minutes. It was two to two. Right. Marshawn scored. I forget who else. And we went to overtime and then we lost it.

Sorry. Then we fucking lost it. So, and I'm going to kind of keep my eye on the Celtics. I know we got Sacramento next, um, but, uh, you know what's so fucking dumb was that complete non-story of our center, Al Horford, getting criticized for, for missing. Uh, I think he missed the Miami heat game because he, because, you know, he was with his wife cause she was giving birth to his daughter. Oh, Jesus.

Who has the fucking nerve to call me during my podcast. Don't you know God has a plan? Who is it? People, when you walk away from your recorder, always make sure you take off your headphones. Cause if you don't, you're going to yank that fucker right across the room and then you're going to have all that silence that you just heard. Unless I took the time to edit it out, which I probably will. I'll probably do your solid.

And I know what a lot of you millennials are probably saying. Actually, I don't know what you're saying. You know, you're probably too busy having a fucking, uh, doing the mannequin challenge or something else really important. Um, why talk down to the youth bill? Why would you do that? Huh? Is it cause you're, you're every day creeping towards death.

Um, I know what you, you fucking technological douchebags are probably thinking, why don't you just get some wireless headphones? You know why? Cause I think I got enough satellites pointed at my fucking head. How about that? I got enough signals going in there. I can't remember shit. I've had this cough for two weeks.

So you know what I'm blaming? Wireless headphones. Um, you hear that echo in my office? That's cause I cleaned the fucker up. I clean this fucker up and I got rid of a bunch of shit. I organized a bunch of stuff. I shredded a bunch of shit and, um, feeling good about it. I know where all my stuff is.

Um, I'm selling the Prius and you know what's funny? I have the title to every goddamn fucking car I've ever had except for one. You know, my first one, but I had an 88, I had an 88 fucking Honda Accord LX that I bought in like 1996 five speed. I fucking loved that car and I had it for like four or five years before I sold it when I moved back to New York and, uh, I found a copy of that title. I found every fucking goddamn title that I needed except for the fucking, the one for the car that I'm selling.

I had to send it away. I got to send away for it for the, uh, to the fucking DMV, so I got to do that bullshit today and do it. I got to tell you something. Laugh all you want about the Toyota Prius. Say as much homophobic stuff as you want at people who drive Toyota Prius. Not only is that a great goddamn car, uh, it's got great resale value. People want that fucking car.

You know, tell me that gas mouth. Laugh all you want. Say it looks like a doorstop. Say it's gay. It's soulless. She got no balls. You know, I don't understand people that identify themselves with their car. I understand liking cars.

I love cars. You know what I mean? But I don't like look at something that another man built and act like I had something to do with it, like a lot of these other cunts. Now, there's one thing if you fucking, you know, you, you, you know, whatever, you go down to the goddamn junkyard, like the gas monkey guys and you build it from fucking scratch, then you can have some pride. All right.

But if you're that fucking Huckleberry that walks on to their lot and then buys it for four to five grand more than what you should have fucking paid for, then you walk around leaning against it as you're drinking a Stroze beer, right? Standing there like you won a war. I don't understand that aspect of it, which brings me back to the Toyota Prius. All right. The Toyota Prius, like most of you, I did not build that car. All right.

So why you try to put that onto my personality? You know, it takes a strong man to drive a Prius. Nia, Nia, are you up? What do you mean how can you not be? You were awake earlier when I talked to you. Don't pull that shit. You already ruined my day with all the jobs you have for me. Can you please come up here and sing your Westworld song?

Can you do that? What are you so grumpy about? You have the goddamn door open. You're screaming at the top of your lungs. It's like, what are you doing to me? What are you doing? I'm making money. Well, can you do it quieter?

Hey, let me hear the, oh, shut up. You're already awake. That's your big complaint. That's your big complaint in life. What are you doing? I need a place to sit. Well, sit here. Well, why are you moving all my shit?

Come over here. You got to sing the song. What, are you pregnant or something? Yeah. I just came up the stairs and I'm out of breath. What do you want from me? I'd like a little sunshine today. You want another microphone or what?

You want to be on the podcast? In a minute. Jesus, I got to hit pause. Let her catch her breath. All right, we're back. Well, Nia, I want you to show called Westworld. Please don't flash me. Huh?

I'm not flashing. Sorry. I got my bathrobe on. Sorry. You're like Sharon Stone right now, basic instinct. Oh, there's the, there's the Photoshop for the fucking week. You're in your Red Sox robe with nothing on underneath there. Nia, can you have a little consideration for the listeners?

They don't want to think about that. Jesus Christ. I worked out. I'm a fucking guy, you know, you take a shower, you put on a robe, you have a couple of fucking eggs. What I'm trying to do is I'm trying to get all this shit done before you fucking all the crap that you decided in your head that I was doing today without checking with my schedule.

Yeah. Yeah, I did that. Yes, you did. All right, well, now what? Sing the Westworld song. Do. Do. Do.

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때문에 harm. I'm not a historian. But I didn't the clumps do something around them 2 the who the clumps who are the clumps Eddie Murphy and fucking Knows, Oh, you're just being so yeah. But I don't really have much was I saying I was like Anthony Hopkins playing. God. There are a good. The Andy Newton.

00:16:12,220 --> 00:16:17,220 They always have these shows everybody's just fucking naked. 00:16:17,220 --> 00:16:18,220 Yeah, three Kings. What are the fuck my little hey we're all in the castle. Look out for the dragon game of thrones. Game of thrones eight year old King. Hey, we're all. I don't get how an eight-year-old.

Look out for the dragon. How does an eight-year-old King fucking sentence someone to death? I never watched. 00:16:32,220 --> 00:16:35,220 Would you say you little shit. I have no idea. I will tip you over in that giant fucking chair. What are you going to do about it?

Little evil fucker. Yeah. That kid needed the live and shit kicked out of him. Yeah. I didn't watch a lot of episodes, but if ever I could throw an eight-year-old off a building or a castle. Definitely. I'd want him to live.

He grows up over the series. I have no idea. I saw one of them. He pulled the guy's fucking tongue out because he didn't like the song he was playing. Yeah. There's like too much incest and dragons and shit. I'm just that kind of genre I'm not really into, although I did love Game of... No, not Game of thrones.

Lord of the Rings. That was an awesome movie. Now, what part of white history does that take place in? It doesn't. It's make-believe. It's not real. I like some fantasy stuff, but I don't like... There's no Middle Earth?

I don't think so. Did they vote Trump or Clinton? If Middle Earth had to vote, which way would they go, Nia? That's a good question. I don't know. You'd have to talk to some, like, Tolkien nerds for that. They might be able to tell you if they're more liberal or conservative in this fantasy world. Speaking of nerds, Chris Hardwick from The Nerdist, he's doing a fucking game show that

I'm calling it right now is going to be the biggest hit game show since Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? It's called The Wall. I don't know what it is, but it's fucking broke-ass people who could possibly win 12 million bucks. And the fact that so many people are upside down in their houses and the look of fucking hope on these people's faces is just, I thought, if we win this, I'm telling you, I could work it. I'm literally almost breaking down crying. Like, you never see that on the prices, right? You don't see that on the Wheel of Fortune.

You certainly don't see it on Jeopardy. But this wall thing, they got these fucking people. Like, these people are so excited to win the fucking prize in the trailer that they're going to need some sort of counseling if they lose, if they blow it, right? Did they ever do that shit anymore on game shows? Remember back in the day when you could fucking bully people and tease them? Where it's like, do you want to take the money in my pocket? No, it's my door number two.

People always just like, fuck the money. Go for it, right? And then they would listen to the crowd and there'd be 700 bucks, which could buy you like a fucking, you know, I don't know why, probably buy a Mercury Monarch back then or some shit, nice down payment on one anyways. You'd put it back into the guy's Ron Burgundy sport coat, and then they would open up the door and half the time it'd be like a fucking donkey or a yak or some shit. And they'd go dum-dum-dum-dum. They do that on Let's Make a Deal with Wayne Brady.

Or do they still do that? They still have that show, yeah, he's the host of it. I've only watched it a couple times. Yeah, but this is the thing, but they all dressed up, they're all dressed up though. So that takes the shame away from it because you can hide in your costume. Back in the day, you stood there and you looked like what you looked like. And then the next day you were walking down the street. You're like, oh my god, you're that guy that could have fucking won 700 bucks.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Didn't I, when we were in that rental home with the cable that only had oldies television for some strange reason, I saw an episode of Let's Make a Deal and there was a couple that was dressed up as Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Ann. No, no, absolutely. And it was like in the 70s. That show they did, but I'm saying there was all these other game shows where people didn't dress up. And there was always the booby prize is what they called it. And it was not a titty.

Alright, why don't you have something fucking nuts? This is a complete non-fucking story. I started to talk about it and then of course the fucking went away and the goddamn cable's out. Not the cable, the fucking, the goddamn internet. I think I need to press the reset button on the router. So there's this guy, Al Horford, who plays for the Celtics. He used to play for the Lanna... Sellies.

For the Sellies. He used to play for the Lanna Hawks. This year we were making a big, we want to try to get Kevin Durant and then we couldn't. So then evidently all the money that we were going to give Durant, we gave three quarters of it to this guy, Al Horford. Gave him like 130 fucking million dollars over four years or something crazy like that. Maybe a little less than that. Came out to about 28 million years. So listen to this shit.

So this fucking guy, his wife has a kid. Right? Has a daughter. So he misses the game. And some fans bitched about it on like social media and it actually became like a story. He sat out a game because he wanted to go to his daughter's birthday? Like birthday party? Yeah.

And then a couple douchebags are like, What the fuck? They're paying you all that money. Why the fuck put the ball in the hoop? And then the media picked up on it. And then he actually, he actually had the comment on Twitter Nerds. And there was like one sports show that brought it up. Are his priorities?

Hmm. What are you going to do, Nia? If I don't show up, you know, if I'm at the Rose Bowl hammered and you give birth or I'm, we've already discussed that. So don't even joke about hammered. We've already discussed the plan for the Rose Bowl. Can I tell you something? If I haven't given birth,

even if I walked into delivery room blind drunk, you can't do that. I'm still going to be totally fine because everybody doing all the heavy lifting is there. I shouldn't even be there. I don't understand why you keep trying to like invade any kind of like role of being like my support and comfort, like my emotional support. Nia, you don't even stand in the room when I get my teeth cleaned. That's a little bit different.

Don't you think? Yeah. What if they were removing a tooth? Would you stand there and hold my fucking hand? You know for God damn sure that is not the same thing. Why are you even bringing that up? Because it's fucking bullshit that the guy has to be in there. And every guy I talk to, nine out of 10 of them go, yeah, it's bullshit.

Just stay north of the fucking blanket. It keeps him happy. You just want to just emotionally support me. And when we went to the class the other day and you watch the birthing story, you leaned over to me and you were like, oh, I understand now. I understand why. You know, when he was walking with her, walking with her in the halls, I understood that being in there for the procedure.

I completely don't understand. And I just think that that is one of those things that it's just one of those. It's that fucking thing that you guys do. And rub my back and be like, you got this. You're good. Just breathe like you're okay. Yeah. All that kind of stuff.

It's just like every time I walk out the fucking door and I got all this shit to do, you always throw a couple more things. You go get the dry cleaning. Can you go do this? Can you go do that? And you dump it. You fucking, you're taking it off of your pile. Oh, can you take the dog to the vet actually?

I'm not taking the dog to the vet. You're taking the dog to the vet. Okay. Yeah. I'm moving all that other shit down there. You're going to have some help. You're not the only, I mean, you know, my brother. Is it because you're on the podcast that you're coming with this, this fucking arrogant tone?

I don't know. Is it because of you're on the podcast that you're coming at me with this extra fucking douchey vibe? I always have this vibe. Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair enough. I got some ads to read.

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They sent us a couple of frame things of stuff was very nice of them. So nice. What the fuck is their name? Frame Greeks. Frame, frame used to. I can frame versus framer. What is it? I know where I can go to figure out.

All right. Well, you go figure out. I'm going to, I'm going to read some advertising. All right. Oh shit, Nia. Look at, is he advertising? Give me the loot. I got a little, I got a little biggie Smalls on my desk.

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I'm sorry. Frame bridge. We're the people that hooked us up. Thank you very much. That's an advertising within advertising. So much. There are a lot of options where to buy your next floor, but there are a few that have the distinction of being a premier flooring center at Blakely's.

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Helix? Sleep.com. Helix. Okay. It's not helix. It's never been helix. It's always helix. What do you know about it?

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That's helixsleep.com slash burr. Helixsleep.com slash burr. I kind of like the idea of them doing a scan of both of us so you can adjust the mattress for both of our sizes. Really? That's a cool idea. No, it isn't. Why isn't it a cool idea?

Because they're going to scan your body, right? That lives in their system. And then somebody's going to buy that, the scan of your fucking body, and it'll make your health insurance go up, and everyone's going to know what size of jeans. Everyone's going to call you up. You know, everybody calls our home phone. We never answer our home phone, by the way. Every time you pick it up, it's just a recording.

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Oh, 33 minutes. Well, I've fulfilled my obligation. Yeah, I started off doing... I did a little bit of the church this morning. Maybe because I'm wearing a robe with nothing underneath it. I'm having this Catholic church vibe. I can't deal with you in this robe. What are you talking about?

What are you talking about? Nia, do you think God has a plan for you? Because I'm here to tell you that He does. I feel like in another lifetime you could have been one of those TV evangelists. I literally do it as a joke just to see how far I get. And in the end, I get everybody their money back. But then they'd be mad at me. I'm just fucking with you.

I don't know if you're going to go to hell or not. Here's your money back. I'm just joshing you. I'm just kidding. Remember when Jesus died and then He came back? I'm just fucking with you. That's what I was doing. How's that cough doing?

It's doing great. It's with me. Good. It's doing fine. I'm going to have to go after this, by the way, before you have me move half of this fucking house. All right. Well, all right. When is all, like, what is my schedule today?

What do you mean? Can I put tracker on my fucking, like, when did you have me moving all of this shit? He's coming over at noon. He's coming over at noon. Don't hit me with your Calabasas fucking accent. You haven't been out here long enough for that shit, all right? You make me so tired. I'm hungry.

I have to make some turkey bacon and some eggs or something. You make me so fucking tired. You do. You make me tired. I'm already tired and you're making me even more tired. Wait. Tracker. How about that little baby lowjack?

Did you talk about that? Oh, yeah. We went to the hospital yesterday. We did a hospital tour. Yeah, they gave you a tour of the hospital. Nia goes, hey, let's take a tour of a couple of hospitals to see where we want to fucking deliver. So I'm like, all right, I'm thinking we'll walk around.

Yeah, look at those nurses. They're pretty hot. Let's go here. Right? We fucking show up. We got to sit down in another class. And she's like, this is going to be 90 minutes long. It's like, fuck me.

Fuck me. 90 fucking minutes. So we're sitting there and she goes, first, let's go around the room and introduce each other. Say your names and what you're having and all that. So right there, I'm like, this is going to be, by the end, I loved her. I thought she was great. But like, I am, I, you know, I'm a comedian.

Nia, I don't, I don't do well in the group dynamic. Do you know how bad I wanted to say my name was Russell? Just lie. Yeah. I wanted to lie and I just wanted to lie about what we were having. I just wanted to lie. I wanted to lie through all of it. It's none of your fucking room.

Just show me where she's going to fucking have it. I sat there for 90 minutes, people. All I have to do is fucking pull up, drop her off, go to the fifth floor, make a right, and I dial four numbers and I'm done. And I had to sit there for 90 minutes. One hour was her talking and then 30 minutes. She was a great speaker though. She was.

And she was adorable and she was a great mom and I loved her. And they gave all the dads diaper bags at the end, which was very, very cool. I thought. They always talk to us like we're dopes. The last 30 minutes we actually walk down. Guys, you're going to be standing there with your fucking head up your ass. I so want to sit there and be like, you realize men built this hospital and all major medicine was because of men. I'm just saying they took every fucking thing when it comes to the male and female dynamic,

when they talk about the guy, if there's a woman running it, the shit that they say, they always talk to us like we're fucking stupid. The exact fucking thing that all these broads who are feminists say they don't want done to them happens all the time to us, all the fucking time. And look at you. You could care less. The same way I don't give a shit that you make a dollar less an hour than I do to go down to the Laverne and Shirley plant and put little caps on those beer bottles.

Shamil. Shamazel. What does that mean in Yiddish? Oh, I don't know. Is that, is it Yiddish? Yeah, I love Yiddish. I don't know. Shamil is a guy.

He's the kind of guy who goes out to a restaurant and he spills some soup. Shamazel. I think that's how you say it. He's the guy he spills it on. None of that is right. It is right. You want to, oh, you want to bet? Sure.

You want to, how much you want to bet? That's spills soup. I swear to God, Bill, if you don't put on some fucking clothes, I swear. I'm standing up now. I know, but that, that robe just cannot be contained. Can't contain me. What a, how much you want to bet? I don't know.

10 bucks. All right. Let's look it up right now. We're talking about the baby lojack. 30 minutes of it was, we walked around the hospital. Oh yeah. They got these little, they got these little fucking, and they showed us some newborns and it was so cute, but they have a, they have a security in place these days for babies,

which I did not know. They had a little ankle bracelet on the thing like it, like it was on house arrest. Yeah. In case somebody came into the hospital and started stealing babies, which I've never fucking heard of that ever, that it's slowly getting you used to having that thing. Now it's just on their ankle. Oh, but you know, and then eventually it's fucking in them. I mean, they take it off.

It's not like, it's all when they're ready to go home with you. Baby steps. You baby step your way into somebody. They have, they have an ID tag on one ankle and then they have a little ankle bracelet on the other to keep track of them. Are you actually, are you Googling Shamil Shamazal? Yeah. I'm going to get, I'm going to win my fucking 10 bucks.

All right. Good. Seeing how wrong you are. Oh God, I cannot wait to find the fucking page because I looked it up. You're awfully comfortable. I mean, you're awfully confident. So I'm starting to think. Whatever money you want to fucking bet.

It's only 10 bucks. All right. Here we go. Shamil Shamazal. Hoffman's Pfeffer, Hoffman's Pfeffer Incorporated. We're going to do it. Give us any. Shamil Shamazal are two Yiddish terms often used in comical, but sometimes biting sense of humor.

A Shamil is somebody who often spills his soup and a Shamazal is the person it lands on. Oh, well, I owe you 10 dollars. Pay up. Fuck Nini. Pay up. Congratulations. Thank you. That's 10 dollars.

Tell you what, you can keep that 10 dollars. Why don't you put it towards a fucking robe that stays closed? You bait me to the punch. I was going to say I'd give you 10 dollars. I'll let you keep your 10 dollars and I have to do those dumb ass jobs. All right. There you go. This has been the full frontal podcast.

Oh my God. Oh, stop it. You're so fucking dramatic. It's just a goddamn cough. I'm inside. There's heat and I have aspirin. I'm going to be fine. The Bill Burr Memorial Podcast will be Monday.

Oh, speaking of that. Speaking of, you know, I'm in my 40s. I have a lot of friends that are no longer here. I got a couple of benefits to promote. Pete Cummins. This Tuesday, great friend of mine unfortunately passed away about a month ago. And we're having a benefit for him. Eight o'clock at the Laugh Factory.

I'm going to be doing a bunch of time, try out all this new stuff. We're going to have a great time. And he really was, you know, 92 to 99. He was just somebody I saw like practically almost every day. And we had so many great gigs before he went into writing and all that type of stuff. So it's an honor to do something in his memory for his wonderful kids. And then we have the Patrice O'Neill benefit. You know, yesterday was a five year anniversary.

Really? Can you believe that? Wow. I can't believe I haven't talked to him in five years. I haven't been trashed by him, heard him laughing. Oh yeah. And think of everything that happened. I remember when he, speaking of Saint Dusky, right after he died was when all of that shit came out.

And I just remember just trying to imagine what he would have been talking about. And I know that his angle, somehow he would have made that absolutely hilarious. But anyways, the next benefit is Tuesday, February 21st. Tickets, as always, have been going along steadily. It makes a great Christmas gift. Ladies, if you want to get something for your husband, it's going to be Leslie Jones, Gary Goldman, Dan Soder, Jim Norton, Rich Voss, Bobby Kelly, myself, Keith Robinson. I think I got everybody. We always try to have eight or nine people.

It's such a great thing. Oh, I'm so bummed I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss Leslie Jones. Oh yeah, she's going to murder you. I'd love to see her do stand up. I'd better not be going on after her. Can I just say, being in the green room at Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn with Patrice, like, I don't know, like two times a week, is probably the most like fun. I laughed every single day on that job.

And he was definitely him, Geraldo, you know, were such like a big part of that. And like, I don't know, it's just having Patrice around saying the most offensive, like horrible, horrible things that you can say as a man to a woman. But they were always funny. Like I can't deny the fact that like I'd be like, fuck you, but I would be so funny at the same time. It's like, that's the infuriating thing about comedians. It's like, it's like, you guys say the most fucked up shit, but it's so funny. So it's hard to say a man to you. So we're just fucking around.

I know. No, and it's all like, whatever you do. I shouldn't be laughing at this, but it's so funny. You want to hear a classic comedian story because it's a David Tell story. So we're at fucking stand up New York and there was a little person in the room, right? Little person in the comedy club. I think I kind of just fucked the whole thing up, right? Was there.

So the fucking club owner was all like, you know, okay, there's a, you know, it's a little person is, you know, at the show tonight, let's not make any joke, blah, blah. So everybody's not doing jokes and stuff, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he says this to Dave. A tell Dave just goes, huh? Okay, yeah, right. And he walks right up on stage and the first thing on his mouth, he just goes, I understand we have a little man in the room. Whole place laughs. The dude laughed.

Sorry, I just went red line that he fucking laughed and he fucking said all of this shit and the guy loved it and had a great fucking time. Yeah. And I don't know, man, I was just one of those things where I remember I was brand new and I saw him do that, like to meet up to just disobey an order from a New York City club owner. I was like, oh my God, and he's still going to get spots. If I went a minute over where I was on the on the ladder at that point, if I went over like one fucking minute, David Tell had a bunch of those. He did the Gator growl one time, which is he went down to the swamp, which is like this fucking where the Gators play football. And he was supposed to work squeaky clean. The Dean didn't want you to fucking say anything dirty.

Brewer told me this story. It's another one. I'm going to fuck up and cough my way through. I said, everybody works squeaky clean. And he was sitting there wondering how David Tell was going to handle it. And Dave came out and just did the most filthiest fucking joke from his act right up front and then looked right over at the at the whole board of the things. And he goes, fuck you, Dean, this one's for this students. And the whole place went fucking nuts.

And then he murdered for like a half hour. And then I coughed myself to death. All right, I got to put some clothes on. Oh, Billy Balls out. Every time you cough, your robe opens this a little bit more. Well, you know what, Nia, you got to tease the crowd a little. All right, that's the podcast for Thursday. Have a great weekend, you cunts.

And I'll talk to you on Monday there. Anyways, New Pope. Hey, Boston Billy, love the podcast. Keep up the good work. Thank you. What do you make of all this news about the Pope retiring? Oh, gee, gee. Personally, I'm not that religious and don't really care that much.

Maybe if they elected a new Pope that was young or that was a young, some young hot lady in her 20s, I would give a shit. What do you think, Bill? Is there more to the story that they're not telling us? Where is age and health issues? The only reason he retired is the church covering anything up. Oh, come on, dude, are they covering anything up? They fucking have been, a certain percentage of them have been covering up other fucking kids for a long time. You know, during World War II, there was, you know, they got in bed with the Nazis.

I mean, it really is one of the worst organizations as far as some of the shit that they've done. You know, but people are so wrapped into not pissing off the invisible guy and wanting to go to the happy place and get to eat marshmallows for the rest of your fall fucking eternity, that they are actually, it's really, it's disturbing that people can still be part of that religion. You know what I mean? I don't understand how, you know, the stuff that they've done. So yeah, I would say, yeah, there's probably something going on. I don't know, maybe he said something like, hey, you know, maybe we should apologize for having that clam bake with Adolf Hitler. Should we maybe clear the air with that one?

Hey, what do you say? We actually don't help to pay for the lawyers of the people in our organization who put their dicks in the asses of kids. You know, maybe he said something like that. I have no idea. Anyways, he said, also, what are some, some of the ways that they could make the church more interesting? For example, maybe let broads become priests. I bet more people would pay attention or how about letting people sit in lazy boys instead of sitting and kneeling in those terrible rock hard benches they call pews. I know it's so dumb.

The whole thing is to get you like you're not worthy. You're not worthy. You're not worthy. Get on your fucking knees and it's, and it's all, it's all made up by human beings taking a guess and other adults because they get into it as kids. They, they, I don't know why. I actually know why because I believe that there is like a spirituality and I believe that you feel good when you do good things. And I just think that you can't corral that nobody owns it. You can't put a fucking like, I think that all churches should just be philosophies rather than this, this hardened way of looking at things.

Just the amount of death that it has caused. I'm not saying anything fucking new. You guys know I feel in this shit. Finally, how about we liven up the music a bit and add some newer sounds, maybe a little guitar and drums. Well, what you need to do is go to a Baptist church, go to a church where you don't see any white people going in there. That would be a good one to start with. And I bet you're amazing. You'll hear people who actually in those churches probably sing very better than half the people who won Grammys that year.

I mean, how many times you've seen some emaciated whore sticking her finger in a ear trying to act like they know how to sing. And what's behind them all the fucking time? It's always like fucking three black chicks or two black chicks and some black dude. I mean, that's where the music is. That's where it's coming from. If that's what you want, just fucking go there. They're not going to give a shit, right? They may look at you weird, but after a while, once they see you feeling the music, you should be fine.

You should be fine. The rest of the shit, I don't know. I think that they should maybe update the stories every once in a while. Maybe just make up some new shit. Just say, oh, you know what? God came back again and the burning bush said, you know, let he who never illegally downloaded the song, just something to fucking update it. I don't know what to tell you. You know what I mean?

I don't know. Updated. I guess, you know, there are some sort of some of those new age, the new age ones are just as scary because then somehow somebody always ends up saying, they're Jesus. And the next thing you know, you're surrounded by the FBI and there's tanks shooting flames at you or you're waiting for some aliens to come. And next thing you know, everybody's drinking some poison and you're dying a fucking bunk bed. You know, or in the middle of the jungle with some sweaty fucking conga player, whatever the fucking that guy's name was, you know, I think you're better as when it comes to spirituality and that type of shit. I think you're really, you're better off on your own.

I think, you know, I think, generally speaking, if you're not a psycho, you kind of know how to be a decent human being. I'm not saying that you always succeed in it. I certainly don't. But how the fuck do I put it? I would rather sit at a bar about six, seven beers in and talk to somebody else who's in the same mind frame and talk about life than I would to actually go to a church and listen to some guy up there going and then he did something and he did something else. He did it for you. He died painfully. I hope you appreciate it.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah. You're not fucking worthy. We want you to remember this. You're a piece of shit. You better hope he's not mad at you. Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

I mean, who the fuck wants to sit there through that? I mean, they're still telling stories about lepers. Can we fucking update it? You know, the world was flat. Now the world is flat and there was some lepers and a guy had a big boat. He stuck some animals on. What am I singing? I don't even know.

I shouldn't have listened to my mother. How do you end up in that? Okay, here's a job where you're not going to be able to ever fuck another woman again. You know? Do I get a wife? No, you don't get that. You're going to sit in this dorm room with a bunch of other guys. None of you are going to get any pussy whatsoever.

Okay, there you go. There's a natural, like the whole thing is just like, as far as the Catholic way, it's just like just flogging yourself. Do you understand how fucked up you got one fucking life? You should be out having the time of your life, you know, not hurting anybody, not having the time of your life and enjoying it because you fucking deserve it. Because you were lucky enough to be born a human being and not a fucking housefly. What if reincarnation is true?

All right? And you're going to fucking come back as, I don't know, something a snake eats. One of those little fucking lizards sitting there darting around. Even if you don't get eaten by a snake, you only live like 14 days. You can fucking drive a car, you know? You can never see a lizard doing that shit. In battle, Scottish Cardinal O'Brien, Cardinal O'Brien apologizes for my sexual conduct. You know, I'm getting sick of people apologizing for shit and they dance around.

This guy basically, to use my new word, he buggered some kids. All right? He took out his holy cock-olio and stuck it in their fucking... What the fuck was Jesus born in? A shed? What do they always call it? You know, always around Christmas, I remember what it's called. What was he born in?

A barn, but they give it some biblical... What's the name for a biblical barn? I don't give a fuck. Anyways, it says that Scottish Cardinal, who had earlier challenged allegations of his sexual impropriety, claims that once again... claims that once again shined an international spotlight on the alleged sexual abuse involving Roman Catholic clergy, reverse course Sunday, and the guy apologized. This is how he apologizes for as far as I can tell, fucking children in the ass.

He said, I wish to take this opportunity to admit that there have been times that my sexual conduct has fallen below the standards expected of me as a priest, archbishop, and cardinal. In recent days, certain allegations which have been made against me have become public. Initially, their anonymous and nonspecific nature led me to contest them. To those I have offended, I apologize and ask forgiveness. To those I have offended, you know, I've been lucky enough in my life to have never been unwontedly fucking banged in the ass by a fucking priest. But I think I can be empathetic enough and say that if this was happening, at no point would I be turning around going, you know, that's what you're doing is really offensive. I find this, you know, what the fuck?

When you apologize, you should have to say what the fuck you did. And if you're going to talk like this, there should be somebody obnoxiously yelling off the mic like what you did. Like during this apology, you should have been like, I wish to take this opportunity to admit that there have been times that my sexual conduct has fallen below the standards expected of me as a priest. Yeah, and it's a fucking human being. You're not supposed to fuck kids. In recent days, certain allegations, fucking of children, which have been made against me have become public about fucking time. Initially, their anonymous and nonspecific nature led me to contest them. How many different ways do we gotta explain it? You took your fucking dick, you put it in their ass. You get the point.

Good Lord, to those I have offended, to those you raped, you're a fucking rapist. And like he tries to tie in the fact that he's a priest. Like below the standards expected of me as a priest, archbishop, and cardinal. So like, what if you were a pope? That was okay? Or is it because you never became a pope? So this guy's basically been diddling kids ever since he got into that fucking hurry. How is that thing still in business? It's just fucking beyond me. They bought and sold it. Look at the world, and I know this is turning.

Why am I talking to you? Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Barr. It's the Monday morning podcast that I'm actually doing this week on a Sunday. Just because tomorrow I have to be on set. Yeah, look at me, big time Hollywood guy. Sorry people, I don't have time for you tomorrow. I have to be on set. You like that? I'm actually shooting some tomorrow.

So I gotta do that tomorrow. There you go. You like how I worked that in? You guys didn't even ask me. I didn't have to tell you. I'm one of those guys. I arrogantly work my resume into every sort of conversation. You think it's going to rain tomorrow? Well, you know, when I was taping I Love the 80s, they were telling me that tomorrow it's supposed to. You know, people do that, and then you want to fucking do something violent, or maybe not. Maybe not. Maybe people aren't like me. I'm actually really what a fucking angry asshole I am on a whole other level.

I'm just really difficult to be around. It's a pretty hardcore moment to have with yourself. Stay yourself in the mirror, and to be like, dude, if I could somehow walk out of this fucking situation, I would. And I'm supposed to be here with you. So anyways, I hope everybody had a nice happy Thanksgiving. I hope you had a good time, and I had a great one. And I fucked up last week, though, as I was, I had done basically like, you know, seven attempts at this podcast. And, you know, trying to make sure I was thanking everybody.

I totally fucked up on the seventh take, and I forgot to thank Michael Haynes, the announcer for the Colorado Avalanche. A guy I met on the road who evidently likes my comedy and found out I was a hockey fan. So either fucking Avalanche or playing the Kings hooked me up with some tickets and interviewed me in between periods. You know, like I was fucking Diane Cannon at a Laker game. You know, it's sort of a drop off with celebrity when you go to the L.A. King game. You know, you go to the L.A. Laker game, you know, who are you going to get? You know, you got Jack Nicholson, fucking Will Smith, all those guys. Even if you go to a Clippers game, Billy Crystal sits courtside, along with that black dude from a different world.

Or that guy with the glasses, the round John Lennon glasses. But when you go to a Kings game, now that John Candy died, actually, when did he die? He died a long time ago, but ever since he died. The only Kings that are like that, that's like it's classic L.A. When Gretzky showed up, then all the fucking people came out, you know, and then he leaves and John Candy dies. That was sort of a combo, you know, boom, boom, and everyone's like, fucking, I'm not going to go there. So now, what am I trying to say here? I'm trying to say that if they yank a celebrity out of the fucking stands at a Kings game, you're going to get somebody at my level.

Basically a non-celebrity who hasn't had the decency to at least become fat or an addict so you can enjoy me on a reality show. I am a responsible, semi-noticeable human being who pays his bills on time. And if that isn't compelling, I don't know what it is. Actually, I went to an L.A. Kings game one time, a long time ago, back at the L.A. Forum, and I saw... Why am I thinking Mike Adamly? It's not Mike Adamly. I was the host of NFL 81 with Brian Gumbel. I'm totally going, who's the fucking guy who did...

Jesus Christ, he was the announcer when The Miracle on Ice. Michael, Al Michaels, Jesus Christ, there you go. Al Michaels was there, a big fan of hockey. I saw him and I really wanted to say something to him, but I could see the wrinkles in his forehead that he was like, I know, I know, you like me, but please, I'm here with my kid. And I was like, all right, and we said it all with the wrinkles in our forehead. It's a pretty amazing moment. I've always had that kind of connection with people to communicate through the third eye.

All right, if you're new to my podcast, where the fuck have you been? I've been doing them for over a year, you know, know now what? You're jumping on the bandwagon because I'm finally over 20 listeners, you know, because I actually got a compliment today from somebody in Jolly Old England. I got something in England listening to this shit. You like that? I'm on two different continents. So it's not numbers.

It's not the amount of people you have listening to your podcast. It's the amount of countries. All right, look at me. I'm going global, just like everybody else, just like everybody else. So anyways, can I really do the podcast and I'll talk about the guy who got trampled at Walmart? I mean, it's just fucking unbelievable. I just don't, you know, how bad is the fucking economy that, you know, some guy opening the door to a fucking store that sells garbage cans,

shackets, and fucking rakes gets trampled to death. What the fuck were those people running for? I don't know. I like how they're trying to say people broke down the door. I really don't think they did. I think that they were being pressed up against it. If you're first in line, why are you going to break down the door? You know, think about that analogy.

You want to be extra first? That doesn't make any sense. People were pushing from behind. They basically created, they had general seating like the who in Cincinnati. You can't fucking do that shit. And for years, every year at Christmas, you see the doors, they burst open. There's always a big black girl loses her fucking wig when she falls on the ground. There's always that dirty white dude with the Wranglers and one of his pant legs gets ripped off

as he tries to come in through the overnight mailbox, you know? It was inevitable. It was fucking inevitable. What a goddamn way to go. That's absolutely fucking tragic. I don't even know why I brought it up. I just, I can't get over it. I can't get over that somebody died doing that, you know?

How are you supposed to die at Walmart? You know, I don't know. Maybe you're stalking the shelves. You just come fucking slamming down on that linoleum floor. Even then, coma, benefit, you know? You get to meet the local sports hero, you know? You're out on Long Island. Bill Garen comes in and signs a fucking Islanders jersey.

It's just fucking, you know, you're not supposed to die at Walmart. That's just, that's like a really, I don't know. What do you guys think about that? Do you think Walmart is at fault there? I mean, for years, you know, I don't know who's at fault there. I mean, Walmart, you know, they come into the town. They basically fucking fuck over every small business there. Now, I bet all those people were small business owners.

They don't have any fucking money now. So now they're pressed up against the glass. Oh my God, I need to get a rake. They're only $3. It's fucking nine o'clock. Open the doors. I mean, they literally created that fucking thing. Jesus Christ.

Why don't I read before I do these? Really, Bill, did they literally create it? What, in your head, you fucking moron? All right, let's get to the podcast questions. Like I said, if you're new to my podcast, people send me questions. They send me comments. They try to educate me on certain things. And I them.

But it doesn't happen so much that way because I'm a moron. So let's get to the first question of the week. Question number one. Dwight, did I even thank Michael Haynes? Yeah, so Michael, thank you very much for putting me on in between periods, man. It was unbelievable. And they actually let me hang. Him and Peter McNabb let me hang out as the game started.

And I really realized how hard it is to tell stories as you're watching a game. Like I couldn't even focus. And I actually talked over a goal. I was literally in the middle of telling a story during a breakaway. And I didn't even, I'm so into trying to be funny on TV. I didn't notice that it was like a fucking two on one. And then the guy scored. So I had to cut my story short by saying oops.

I was like, yeah, then my dad was crazy. Oops. That's why I literally said oops on national television. At that point I wanted to crawl out. That's the studio. But it was still awesome. Anyways, all right, here we go. Podcast questions of the week.

Question number one. Bill, have you ever been confronted by midgets about your bit midgets? Or done it in front of midgets? Actually, I had a small person, whatever you're supposed to call him, send me an email. And the bit was basically, I don't understand why the word midget is offensive. It's not like midgets were dragged here from another country, packed into a boat, the whole Amistad thing,

and then fucking forced to have them and 38 of their friends crawl out of a car in the middle of a circus. You know, I did jokes like that. You know, I don't understand, you know, it's just a word. That's a table, that's a lamp, and you're a midget. That's how the joke went. Plus, midget sounds tough. I'm a fucking midget, you know? But then this guy, actually, a little person actually wrote me and said,

actually, midget is offensive because it came, I guess someone on Barnum Bailey came up with it, and it's actually a form of the word midge, which I guess is some sort of little bug. So it somehow came out of that. So you're basically, when you say midget, you're saying that they're just a little bug that you could just step on or maybe tear one of their legs off and watch them run around in a circle.

So yeah, it is offensive. So I have been confronted, you know, some last night, somebody did a joke about a dwarf, and there was, I think, a little person in the crowd, and I looked over at him, saw their face, you know, sort of crinkle up a little bit like, even on a holiday weekend, I have to deal with this. And I felt a little bad for him.

I try not to look at the crowd when I talk because, you know, I got a lot of shit that could bug people. Did I answer that? Okay, question number two. Bill, I want to be a stand-up comedian. Do you want to be a stand-up comedian? Sure, we all do. We hear it, DeVry.

Okay, Dave said on inside, I'm assuming this is Chappelle, said on inside the Actors Studio that if you want to be a stand-up comedian, you have to take acting lessons. Did you take acting lessons? Yes, I have, although you would never know it if you ever saw me act. Thank you. Yeah, I've taken acting lessons, and I haven't taken them in a while. But I don't know why.

I don't know why I stopped taking acting lessons. Why did I? You know why? Because I hated the classes. They were too fucking long, and then I was always, I don't know, it was always like that one person who sucked so bad that it made me want to quit the class. You know, we used to call them bathroom break guy.

Like, you know, like when they went up to do their scene, you went to go take a bathroom break. But I would tell you this, if you've got to become a comedian, I mean, I don't know if acting helps your stand-up or not, but I know it definitely helps you when you get to the next level of this business, when you have to shoot something, like I do tomorrow, that if you've taken acting lessons that you had, you know, you actually know how to do it.

So, I mean, if you want to be a comedian, just write five minutes of shit. You think it's funny. Sign up for an open mic when they call your name. Go up there. You know, you'll be fine. You don't have to recite Shakespeare. But as you get going along, I would definitely take acting classes, for as much as comedians make fun of it.

Improv classes really help you, I think, in acting, because you're literally improving with another person, and stand-up is so solitary. You're just standing on stage, improving with the crowd, but it's still all you, and you don't really have to wait for someone else. I could go on forever about this shit. So, yeah, write five minutes of shit. You think it's funny.

And sign up for an open mic, and then, you know, when you get that thing going, take anything, sketch class, as many things as you can learn, I would, you know, I mean, the amount of times I'd kick myself for not learning how to tap dance. I mean, I just can't tell. I was just thinking back to the vaudeville days, when you had to be a triple threat, funny, be able to dance, and sing before it became, you know, like the NFL. I just play on special teams, you know, on the long snapper.

You ever feel like football teams back in the 20s? They had, like, eight guys on them. All right, question number three. All right, Bill, tonight, me and my friends, we're having an argument about AC DC. He was saying how Angus Young is hands down the coolest motherfucking guitar player of all time. While I agree with that, I just think it's time for him to lose the schoolboy outfit. I mean, isn't the dude, like, approaching 60? Believe it or not, Angus is only 53 years old.

He made it when he was like 19 or 20. He was born in 1955. Malcolm Young was born in 1953. And Bond Scott, I believe, was born in 1946. Okay, I just established that I'm a geek. Now, let's get back to AC DC. You know what? I got to agree with you.

I think, I actually read an article recently where he was talking about, Angus was talking about having to put on that schoolboy outfit, and he said, quote unquote, I have to become that guy. But I don't know, that's a very, like, I would totally, I don't know, what would it look like if Angus actually put some jeans on and started bouncing around the stage like that? It would definitely take a minute. But you're really fucking with the whole formula.

And AC DC's formula has never wavered. They're like, we're singing about balls, the devil, and pussy, and drinking. And they have not veered away from that for over 33 years. So, I mean, I don't know, if you put pants on, does the whole house of cards come down? I think it would take a minute, but I wouldn't have a problem. I wouldn't have a problem. If you put pants on, I really would not have a problem with it. You know what they should do?

They should do an AC DC unplugged where they still play electric, but Angus gets to sit down and around with all the other band members. Kind of like on Elvis' comeback special, where it was still like electric. Remember that one? Alright. Alright, question number four. So, would I even answer that? Do I think it's time to?

Like, I wouldn't bother me, but I can definitely see why he continues to wear that outfit because I wouldn't want to fuck with that formula. So, podcast question number four. Hey Bill, I signed up for your email list. Thanks for the confirmation email. Very corporate like. Yeah, fuck you. I got a guy running my website a little bit.

What do you want from me? You know, we basically have, you know, my email list on my website. Basically what happens is people who have an AOL email, if two of them mark you as spam, you get kicked off the internet. So, I'm trying to get rid of all the AOL people who don't want me. That's why I sent that out, okay? And that's why we confirmed it. Okay, anyways, he says, I'm 19 and I haven't had sex since 2006.

Jesus Christ, where's this going? When I was 16 years old. Well, first of all, I'm not sympathetic because I didn't lose my virginity until I was fucking 19. I don't know what the hell's going on. And I wanted to know how long your longest drive streak was and how you ended it. Well, I just ruined the joke. The first 19 years of my life, how did I end it? I met some chick who sang in a band who was fucking about 37 years old.

And I think you can fill in the blanks. Okay, I know what you're saying. Once I was in the game, what's the longest I went? I think the first fucking year and a half, maybe two years of my comedy career. I swear to God, I was finished in college. I was living at home with my parents and I was doing stand up at night. I mean, I barely had time to rub one out. Not to mention, I had like, you know, people say I had, I have no game with women.

If, you know, and technically there's no way to be lower than ground zero. Somehow I was, I was below, I was below ground zero of no game with women to the point. Like, do you ever hear the end of whole lot of love when Robert Plant sings? The echo of what he's about ready to sing comes first to indicate that he's in hell. That's like when I would hit on girls, the echo of the awful line that I was going to say to them. That would come out first and then my awful. So they were already walking away before I opened my mouth. So probably about two years.

So what do you want? You're about two years. Yeah, but dude, you know something? I know another comic. He got laid at like 14. He didn't get laid again until he was like 18. Don't worry about it. You know, how can you get out of it?

It's just, it's a numbers game. Just, you know what? Rub one out before you go out so that takes the pressure off. Now you don't give a shit and then just go out there and start saying the shit that your brain is telling you not to say. Like, don't say that. That will offend her. That's the kind of shit you need to start saying. I mean, I don't, I mean, walk up to her and just be like, hey, what's up you fucking cunt.

I'm not saying say that. I'm just saying that, you know what I mean? I can't even think of a fucking example. Just, I don't know. You just, you know, you start staring the conversation towards sex and when she acts like she's offended, just tell her that she's not offended, you know. You know, you just do that shit. You just keep, it's one of those things. You just have to learn.

You have to learn what your style of being an asshole is. This is if you're going to try to get laid. If you want to meet the woman of your dreams, don't do that. Then you have to, I guess, listen to your heart. I have no idea. Wow, that just made me feel all creepy, which is probably why I'm not married. Okay. All right.

Let's move along. Okay. Question number five. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. In large capital letters there. Like I forgot the word capital, so I had to say large so I could buy time in my brain to come up with capital.

Capital. Okay. I'm so tired of people trashing conspiracy theory. Oh, this is last week. Well, I defended conspiracy theory. I'm so tired of people trashing conspiracy theory without looking into it. I'm not saying that all of the theories are valid, but I also think people have a tendency to be questionless sheep. I just want to say thank you for telling those fucks to think for themselves a bit.

Yeah. I mean, I wasn't going that hard core. Yeah, but I definitely think, yeah, people just, yeah, but on TV, it's true. If it's on the internet, then the internet's where all the lies are. It's kind of like racism. Like all the racist white people are just in the south, but everybody in Connecticut is cool. You know, that type of mindset. Anyways, here's this question.

Why aren't you coming to Chicago anytime soon? Make it happen is all I'm saying. Jesus Christ. All right. Very demanding. Well, I was there in March. I mean, I don't know where the hell you were. There's a lot of cities out there.

I try to come through about once a year. Chicago's definitely on my, I feel like a politician right now. We're definitely looking into that. And that's definitely on the agenda. And when the time is right, we're going to handle the situation in Chicago. Next question, please. All right, Bill, how many emails do you get with the word dude in the subject? Probably a shit ton.

Here's another one. Deal with it. You know, so I think people are starting to feed off my attitude where you guys are being assholes to me for no reason. Kind of like how I'm assholes to people who ask me questions for no reason. All right, Bill, I was making my breakfast in my 900 square foot, $450,000 condo this morning, attempting to determine which octane of gasoline I was going to use to burn down my bank. Okay. And finally, this bailout ass raping really clicked.

I mean, I knew we were getting bent over the table on this whole deal, but not in such an obvious manner. Our government is taking our money via taxes, giving it to banks so they can loan us our own money back at interest. They're fucking taking our money so they can loan it back to us for more money. And the cock mitigating ass clowns in Washington are all voting yes on this shit. How the fuck did this happen? I mean, I don't know. I'm not in the Senate, but I would imagine that if you print the money, you have enough money to pay off politicians. So they basically do whatever the banks want them to do.

I mean, I don't know. It's brutal. I'm trying to get out from underneath the house of Rothschild, trying to get out from underneath the red shield. That's what I'm doing. Yeah. I don't know what to tell you. You have to do it because the other guys run and shit. And if you can just print, what would you do if you could print money?

You know, and everybody accepted the money that you were printing. I mean, could you handle that level of power? I couldn't. And what if your job depended on doing what those guys wanted you to do? I mean, they will write above you. I guess you would do it, right? I have no idea. You know, that's fascinating.

That's like I said. That's like one of those Will Smith summer blockbuster movie kind of plots. I don't know why they're voting yes on it. I think some are voting yes on it because they want to keep their positions. I don't think other people are voting yes on it because they don't really understand it. Kind of like me. Like you just think, well, if we own a billion dollars, why don't they just print a billion dollars and just pay it off? And the reason is because I guess you still owe the money to the bank because the Federal Reserve prints it.

And you've got to pay interest on the billion dollars, so you'd never get out of debt. I don't know. I can't even fucking explain it anymore. Probably sound like a moron, which I am. I've been meaning to read that book, The Case Against the Federal Reserve. I really have been. All right. Question number seven.

If you have a version of the aristocrats joke and what you thought of that documentary, Penn Gillette made of it. I don't think Penn Gillette made that documentary. That was, oh my God, it's more blank on his name. There's another comedian who made that. Maybe I can Google that. But anyways, as I Google this, as IMD be it, Paul Provenza, he's the guy who made it. Provenza directed that. Anyways, let me get back to the questions here as I have an incoming call.

I've got to wrap this podcast up here. All right. What did I think about? Do I have a version of the aristocrats' jokes? No, I don't. And I never heard of that joke until I saw the documentary on it. I've been in a lot of green rooms and in 16 years, coming up on 17 years of doing stand-up, I've never even heard the joke. But I like the movie.

I thought it was funny. And Bob Saget was my favorite because he seemed to be the guy, like he was improving so much that he was making himself laugh at all the filthy shit that he was coming up with. And yeah, if you haven't seen it, I would definitely rent it because I think it's a funny documentary. There you go. And it's Paul Provenza, not Penn Gillette. All right. And I didn't even look that up, but I'm pretty sure that's true. All right.

Question. Are you drinking again so that I can buy you a beer when you come to Tampa? Yes, I am. I am drinking again. That's the name of my next stand-up special. Bill Berg, drinking again. I'm going to come on stage completely shit-faced and just fucking berate people. Glad to see that you're finally coming, by the way.

And what better time than January? Well, what happens in Tampa in January? I guess I'm getting out of the winter. All right. Overrated, underrated, before I wrap up this podcast. Overrated. Seriously, the guy was Senator for two years, and he hasn't even taken office yet. And people think he's the second coming.

I'm not hating on the man, but I'm not ready to worship him yet. Well, I think a lot of it, you know, has to do with, you know, just the last eight years have been a little rough without getting too political, you know. I mean, George Bush literally should have been doing speeches with a flashlight under his chin. He was so busy scaring the shit out of people for the last eight fucking years. I think it's just going to be a relief to have somebody come in, you know. Jesus Christ, just somebody different. Somebody different.

But yeah, I mean, you know, just feel good thing. Yeah, we elected a black guy. That means we're not as ugly a country as we were before, you know. I don't know. I think everybody's life is in the shitter and they're just hoping that somebody can do something. But I definitely agree with you. If you're waiting for one guy to take that office and to turn your life around, you, you know, it's kind of like when I get in this business, you get a manager and an agent, you're like,

well, I guess I don't need to do any more work. They're just going to bring shit to me. It doesn't work that way. All right, underrated, playoff hockey. Every round is so fucking intense. And the fact that they play a seven game series makes the drama and the bad blood continue from one game to the next. I would definitely say that. I think the NHL package is underrated.

I have that. Here's the last one. And then I'm wrapping this up for this week. Overrated. I love this one. This is such a great one. Overrated. First impressions.

My first impressions are wrong most of the time. Society needs to drop the significance of first impression. There goes, there goes me generalizing. Maybe I just have horrible judgment. No, you don't. I think that's great. Yeah. My first impressions are mostly wrong.

And people's first impressions of me a lot of times are wrong. I think they are. Oh, my girlfriend's staring at me right now like bullshit. You know, I fuck you. It's true. This is the deal. You know what? This is what I found.

If you're a quiet person and you meet an insecure person, they misinterpret your quietness for arrogance and they start thinking, this guy thinks he's fucking better than me than they think you're a douchebag. That's what people used to think of me before I became a loudmouth asshole and removed all doubt that I am an arrogant cunt. But a lot of shy people, a lot of people considered arrogant are not arrogant. They're fucking, you know, they're doing what I'm doing. They're being quiet because they're questioning everything they did in the last 17 minutes. I don't know if that even makes sense, but I definitely think that's true because I, you know, there's a number of people I thought were dicks when I first met them and it turned out that I was the dick.

And then there's been other people where I've been like, you know, this guy is a cool fucking guy. He's a real cool guy. And then they turn out to be a complete psycho. So I don't know. I don't know what to tell you with that. That's like that thing where for every saying, there's another saying that can fucking cancel it out. Penny saves a penny earned. You got to spend money to make money.

Walk softly, carry a big stick. Greasy wheel, squeaky wheel gets the grease. You know what I mean? Does that even make sense? I don't fucking know. Because yeah, your first impressions, you know, you might be wrong, but then you got to go with your gut. You know, that gut that says, uh, I shouldn't turn this trick because I think this person is going to snap my neck. You know, it's the prostitute that listens to that.

They're the ones that get to continue living the dream of sucking cock until they're 55. You know, it's finally having enough money to get out from underneath their pimp to go to night school. Those are the ones because they listen to that gut. But I got to admit, yeah, I would have to go with you on the first day. Did I mention I bought a credenza? Can you believe that? It's the most adult thing I ever did. I like looking at it and pretending like I have some sort of official business to do.

Um, okay, that's it. And other than that, um, whatever we got, I got Caroline's. Caroline's coming up this week. I got a brand new hour for you. So all you bastards who are still full of turkey, um, hit the fucking treadmill and come down to the club. I got a brand new hour of shit that I'm really proud of and putting together. And hopefully I'll be taping another special next year so I can get on this doing a special every two, two and a half years. So I can have some sort of body of work at the end of this shit, but I will not take any special before it's time.

What, what fucking, what, what, uh, what advertise? We will serve no wine before it's time. What the fuck was that? I can't remember. Anyways, that's it. Everybody have a good week and, uh, keep the podcast questions coming and people keep asking me if I'm going to be on Facebook. Um, I like my space. You know what I mean?

I, you know, I like, I gotta be loyal somewhere in my life. I'm sticking it out with these fucking guys and, uh, you know, I'm going to go through a couple rough years with my space. I'm going to be looking like I'm still wearing bell bottoms, but eventually it's going to come back in style again. And you guys know, be like, oh yeah, man, I'm fucking back on my space again. And I'll be like, oh yeah, man, well, I never fucking left. So that means I'm cooler than you. And that'll make me feel good for six minutes before I become miserable again. All right, everybody.

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. I hope you all have a great week. Thanks again to Michael Haynes for letting me sit in on the Ask Game. Sorry, I didn't thank you last week. I fucking space because I'm a moron. And, uh, how about those Bruins? Any hockey fans out there? Any Canadian fans out there?

How come you're not talking any shit? You like those two losses you took at the hands of the Bruins this month? Huh? You singing jackasses? God damn it, the fucking, you got to respect the Canadians though. I saw him the other night come back against the Buffalo Sabres. Those sons of bitches, those fucking people start singing. It's like gladiator.

And all of a sudden they start skating faster. And you just know they're going to score that goal to fucking tie it up every goddamn time. It's like watching Derek Jeter. The guy just tie and runs on second. You know he's going to slap. It's a right. He's going to go the other way with it. He's going to hit a double.

You know what he's actually going to do? Okay, for all you fucking American League pitchers, he's going to look for fastball. The first pitch. That's what he does. And he tries to pull it every fucking time in that situation. That's what he looks for, okay? But then if you give it to him out over the plate, he'll take what he gives you and then he slaps it to right field.

All right? So why don't you throw a high fucking inside fastball that the bottom drops out of? And at least get strike one on the fuck. Can you please do that? Okay, sorry. It's got a little upset there. Actually, you know, next time I go, you know, when I'm in New York, if you're a Yankee fan and you come out to my Caroline show,

if you want to see my impression of Derek Jeter at taking a strike right down the center of the plate, if you want me to do that impression, just yell out during the show. I'm actually encouraging people to heckle me. What am I doing? Or whatever, after the show. I'll give you my impression of Derek Jeter at bat, standing there. Bat does not move off his shoulder and it's a strike right down the center of the plate without a fucking doubt it is a strike.

A goddamn moron could call it a strike. I will do my impression of his body language taking strike right down the plate. How many different times are you going to explain it? All right, I'm done. Have a great week, everybody. Take it easy. Thank you. I don't know why

No one loved you You were inverted too I don't know why You were inverted No one loved you Look at you all See the love there that's sleeping While my guitar can't be weed

Look at you all Still my guitar can't be weed While my guitar can't be weed Still my guitar can't be weed While my guitar can't be weed Still my guitar can't be weed While my guitar can't be weed Still my guitar can't be weed

While my guitar can't be weed Still my guitar can't be weed Still my guitar can't be weed Thank you Thank you