Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-10-15

Episode Date: December 10, 2015

Bill rambles about white hoop, mortgages and bees.

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and yeah, I realized I fucked up and I recorded the thing in mono. I didn't realize it. My Andrew Andrew realized it so sorry about that I fucked up again. Anyways, I do want to thank everybody for all the donations. If you haven't already heard we were almost at $10,000. We raised for those sick children I was telling you about on Monday. We did it in just three days. You guys came through in a huge way and you really left some great messages and you know

what you you changed some great people's lives for the better. So thank you very much. I can't believe I had a podcast for this long and I've never done anything like that. Seriously man, even if you donated just a dollar, you know, you help some people not be homeless. There was another family that didn't have, you know, hot water heater. They had no hot water and they're dealing with their kid who has bone marrow cancer. So thank you.

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Order them today. All right. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'll just check it in on you. Just check it in on you. How's your week going? How's your holiday fucking season?

Buying fucking gifts for a bunch of cunts where most of the year you don't even like them. I did some more Christmas shopping today. I think I pretty much got it done as far as my wife. I'm done with that shit. I got enough shit to put on it. I got the one main gift and you got enough other shit to fill up the fucking area under the tree. It's so stupid.

I got to get her like one more thing and then that's it. But other than that, I'm getting ready to go back east. I got to do some press here to hype. F is for family. What is that you might ask if you've been under a fucking rock, not listening to my podcast for the last, I don't know how, year. It's coming out December 18th, six motherfucking episodes on Netflix. You can watch all six.

It took me four years to go through this whole journey and you can devour all of it in two hours and 40, 45 minutes maybe and then you can send me a tweet, what's the next six coming out hopefully within a year or maybe a little more. Who knows? Who the fuck knows? Who knows? If enough people watch it, we get a second season. I don't know what that means.

10, 12. I have no idea, which is why if you go to my website, I only have one date for next year because I have to see if this thing, you know, tanks, if it makes it a what, you know, what are you doing? You know, this guy's looking this way, that guy's looking that way, this guy's like, what do you want from me? So anyways, I'm sitting here in the, in the, the finally finished basement of my fucking house and I am my second attempt at smoking ribs and the big green egg is going down right

now. And so I am almost an hour and 55 minutes into a four hour smoke on these things. My temperature is still right at 250, it got a little high in the first hour. I get impatient before I lock it in and it went up as high as 3, 3, 10 and stayed there for a good 15 minutes and I was able to bring it down to 274 while now I'm at 250. So I don't know what they're going to taste like, but I'm already doing better than I did the last time. The last time I tried this, my fire went out in an hour and a half.

So an hour and 55 minutes in, I'm still at 250. So when a little too high, but you know what's killing me is it's not smoking anymore. Anyway, the big green egg is set up. I can't like open it up and do all of that shit. It's not as, I should just get a fucking smoker, but it was smoking like a motherfucker. There we smoke. I can't hear you right now, man. I can see that smoke like three counts away.

You hear old frackles up the street, man. He tried to, boy, that Yankee came down here. He gave one thing or smoke rip thought he could do it. You got to be, you got to be born down here. You got to be born in the swamp, right? Your mother got to be put on her back, maybe face down in that fucking swamp, impregnated and you come out that same stink hole and then, you know, smoke yourself some rips. Yes, I am a novice and I was disgusting and everything I just said was absolutely disgusting,

considering I'm talking about food, you know, and the fact that it's so close to Mother's Day. You know what I mean? That's right. It's only five months away. So I don't know what happens this time. I had the blocks of Hickory and then I also soaked a bunch of chips and I thought I put a zillion of them in there. And it would look like a fucking house fire for the first 40 minutes and then now just nothing. So I don't know what to do.

I'm thinking of opening it up and throwing some more chips in there. I don't know how I'm going to do it because I got the plate center. I don't fucking know, but they, I don't know who the fuck knows. You know what it is? The worst case scenario, I just fuck up a rack of ribs, you know? Worst case scenario, fucking pig died for nothing. Well, not for nothing, just one side of its ribs. I don't know what I'm talking about.

Believe it or not, I actually have the Celtics game on in the background. I thought for some reason it was Thursday and the Bruins were playing the Canadians and I went on the center ice thing and there was nothing on there. And then I checked ESPN and lo and behold, the Boston Celtics are playing the Chicago Bulls. And I got to tell you something. I don't know the name of one player on the Boston Celtics. All right, the guy's got the ball. He's going in towards the painted area, takes a shot and a white guy, a white guy got it and he kicked it back out to the black guy. The black guy is dribbling, he goes down the lane, up and under and he fucking missed it.

And a white guy rebombed it for the other team and then they blow the whistle. Too many white guys on the court. Jesus Christ. Oh, there's a guy with the fucking ponytail who ripped the arm out of the Cavalier guy. He ripped his fucking elbow out. There you go. The black guy behind his back and the white guy fouls him because what else is he going to do? Stop him legally?

The white guy walks back to the bench shaking his head as if he's not used to that happening. Takes off his Lance Armstrong glasses and sits down on the bench. And now a black guy with a high top fade with sort of dread starting but not really. He goes in for the white guy. White guy shaking his head knows he's going back to Europe. He knows it. He knows it. He can already taste that fucking Romanian hero he's going to be eating in another fucking month.

All right, now another black guy. He's got the ball. Left hand to the right hand. A black guy with dreads looking like a cornerback but he's playing basketball. The black guy goes through the paint. There's a white guy. He doesn't know. He fouls him, of course.

And then acts like he didn't do anything. The big white guy with the ponytail. He still has his arms over his head as if he didn't do it. He wanted a charge, but we know better. Sorry, I like college hoops. Fucking pro hoops way too long. See, here's the replay. The guy comes in.

Yeah, dude, you completely fouled him. You fucking dope. You jumped right into him. So anyways, I got to fucking travel and promote this thing. I'm going to be trying this week. If you're in New York City, I will be trying to do some stand up in and around the city and I will be doing the opium Jimmy show among some other things. And I'll try to keep you guys posted.

Everything's getting filled in right now and I'm psyched to get back there during the holiday season. You know what I mean? Get back there, walk down Fifth Avenue. You know what I mean? Go by Rockefeller Center. Go, hey, you want to go skating and then you see that fucking line that's like nine miles long and you're like, hey, you want to just not do that?

You want to just start fucking drinking instead? Oh, by the way, did I mention I'm recording this on a Wednesday? I think I told you there is that. You probably wonder why I'm watching a fucking Celtic's game. But you know what I realize? I have nothing to fucking talk about. I have absolutely nothing to talk about and I'm only seven minutes in. This is what it's like to bomb on stage people.

You know, when you just fucking burn through your entire act for seven minutes and you got to do a half hour, you're like, now what the fuck? Now what the fuck am I going to talk about? I'm going to read a text here. Let me know if I can submit it. Oh, Jesus Christ. Fuck it just never fucking ends. You know, I'm trying to I'm trying to do what I have a flight tomorrow.

You know, and I always wait to the last second to pack. I wait to the last second to do the podcast to do the mail. I wait for the entire morning. So the entire fucking morning I'm running around like an asshole. And right as I sit down, it's time to go to the airport. So I decided that this was going to be the first time that I was going to behave like my wife and be totally fucking prepared. And I have all any banking I got to do done, my Christmas shopping done, my fucking mail

done, podcast done, packing done. But I fucked up because I decided to smoke some ribs in the middle of the fucking thing, which was dumb. But all I got to do is this. And then I got to pack. And then I'm fucking done. So, you know what that means. Then I got to start drinking, right?

I tell you guys, my wife bought me one of those little fucking rubber, looks like a tennis ball. And you fill it up with water. It makes those round fucking ice cubes. Like that guy from that movie where the black guys rubbed the bank. And Terrence Howard. The fuck was the name of that movie? Not Clockers.

Dead Presidents. That was a great fucking movie, wasn't it? That was a really good movie. Was that the Hughes Brothers? You know what kills me? That movie seemed like it came out six years ago to me. And now I'm thinking about that. Was that 20 years ago?

Or 20 years ago tomorrow? Not tomorrow. Next year? Yeah, 96. No, 95. 95, I moved down to New York City. And I remember that Halloween, everyone was going out as those people from that movie putting the white shit on their face.

You know what I mean? Black people were not white people. You know, actually, you know what you look about? Black people were actually going out in white face, you know? Donald Trump was the kind of guy who fucking complained about that. I did, oh, not to, I got a, this is why I have nothing to talk about. I already, I did Kevin and Bean this morning and then I did fucking Mark Maron's What the Fuck podcast, WTF over, over his way and promoting the F is for Family thing.

I'm sorry guys. So I just hit fucking pause right now. So I just hit pause and just fucking tank this entire podcast. I can't, I have to keep fucking going. What the hell is my laptop? Is there anything to look up? What the fuck did I do with my laptop? How do you lose a laptop?

I just had the fucking thing. I swear to God, if I ever get Alzheimer's, I'm not, I'm not even going to fucking notice. Do you feel any different? No, I don't. Where are my keys? All right, here we go. Let's open up here. Let's get on the, let's see if there's anything on the fucking, you know, I'm literally going

to hit pause. I don't look up a few things and this is just, this is not even, this is not even a podcast. This is just listening to somebody babbling, you know, like you're sitting in the fucking waiting room or something. You don't want to go. Yeah, but we know go look something up. All right. Hang on a second.

Hang on. All right. I'm back. Sorry about that. I apologize for the first 10 and a half minutes of this fucking thing. White guy with the fucking left hand floater does not go in. Maybe this is why I don't watch hoop. It just, it makes you feel bad.

You know what I mean? As a white dude, over the white guy off the glass and in, it's fucking unbelievable. And he's wearing one of those fucking windshield masks. You know what I mean? Like he wanted to be an axe murderer, but he couldn't commit to it. You know, he wants to get caught. I forgot that I actually, I saw a movie. I saw a fucking feature.

Starring Brad Pitt, Steve Carell. The guy from drive. What is this fucking name? He's in everything. Jake Gyllenhaal. Is it Jake Gyllenhaal? Miley Cyrus. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I just saw the fucking movie. You know what it was? I didn't know it was him. I was there. And Christian Bale. I saw that movie, The Big Short. And a buddy of mine got a screener of it.

And I was watching it with my wife. And she kept whispering over to me going, you're going to have to explain this. You're going to have to explain this. I don't know what it, it was basically about the, all the shit that led up to the, the big fucking, whatever the fuck, whatever the fuck happened in 2007. It was called The Big Short. It was basically these guys bet against the banks. They basically bet that what was going to happen in 2007 was going to happen. They did it in like 2005 and all the bankers were just like, what are you out of your fucking mind?

That could never happen. You know, that's basically what it is. And I actually, by watching it, I ended up having a great conversation with my wife about that. Because I remember when that whole housing market scandals and all that fucking subprime shit happened. There was like two schools. There was either people that 100% blame the bankers or people 100% blaming the fucking jerk offs that got houses. You know, like I remember this, the guy lived like below me, right? This old fucking crazy guy.

He blamed like people didn't have any money that got houses. Like he was flipping out. Those people had no business getting those houses. They had no business getting those loans. And I was just like, well, yeah, that's, that's, that's kind of what you have a loan officer for, isn't it? I mean, anybody could walk into a bank and be like, can I have a million dollars? Right? You're totally within your right to fucking do it.

You just, you don't give it to them. You fucking do a little bit of research. But I, I'm one of those. I don't have any sympathy for the bankers or for the fucking jerk offs who fucking bought like a four bedroom house in their mortgage was like 80 bucks. And they didn't read the fine print that like, you know, within whatever seven months it was then going to increase up to like fucking eight grand a month or something nuts. And they were like, wait a minute, what happened? I'm shit out of luck. Yeah, you're a fucking dope.

You know why I say that? Cause I flunked everything in fucking pretty much everything in high school. I sucked at fucking math. I had to go to summer school. Like I should have gone every single year. I went after my freshman year and I went after my junior year, my sophomore year. My teacher hooked me up and gave me the D minus in my senior year. I didn't give a fuck cause I already screwed up for three years.

What was I going to go to summer school and get into brown? It wasn't happening. At that point I was actually considering getting into construction. You know, I don't even know why cause I knew I was going to have to get a fucking job and I didn't want to really have a boss. Like I never wanted to have a job where like the boss was like fucking right there or I had a place to be like sit right here at your desk. You come in here by 830 and you stay put until lunchtime, right? And then you come back. You better be there by fucking whatever.

What time is lunch? 1-2? 2-0-1 the guys fucking coming around? I didn't like that. So I always try, I worked in a little bit in construction. I worked in warehousing. You know, you just had to be a general giant fucking area. You know, there's places to hide. Not like I didn't do the job.

I just didn't like people fucking. I don't like people telling them what to do. You know, so anyways, yes, so by my senior year I was like, you know, I don't give a fuck. But I sucked at math and I was able to figure out mortgages enough to at least figure out how I was getting fucked and to reduce the fuck over as much as I could. And the first time I went and I bought a, I bought a, that was it a fucking 83 Ford Ranger for like three grand. I had like 500 bucks to my name or something. So I take all 500 bucks. I put it down on the fucking car or something like that.

I came up with the numbers and I took out a three year loan and I, it took me all three years. You know, I had like 36 payments and it took me 36 payments. I made all of them on time and the bank got 100% of the amount of interest that they wanted to get off a dope like me. The entire three years that I had the car loan, it never dawned on me to maybe not go out drinking fucking a bunch of beers that night and actually taking some of that money and throwing it at the principle of the loan. I didn't know that you could fucking do that. I had no idea and I end up paying a ton of fucking money in interest. So fortunately, somebody talked to me about it. You know, when I went to go in to get a mortgage and I still fucked up when I first got a mortgage upon an apartment in New York.

And I bought something that I could afford and I could afford the mortgage payment plus a little bit more. So the very first payment, I made the mortgage payment plus a little bit more. But the thing was I didn't put it in on the, I didn't fill in the right area on the mortgage statement where it says basically mortgage and then it says principle. I didn't know that the principle was the actual like whatever say I would 100 grand. You know, I didn't know that that was called the principle. I had no fucking idea. So I kept putting everything into the mortgage. So within like four months, you know, all of a sudden I didn't, I didn't get a statement for the fifth month.

So I was like, what the fuck, what the fuck? I'm calling the bank. I didn't get a statement. Oh, what's going on? What's going on? And they were like, oh, you're, you're a month ahead on your payments. And I go, what do you mean? I'm a month ahead.

I still owe you like a hundred grand. It's like, no, blah, blah, blah. And by them talking to me, I realized I went back to look at the statements. I'm like, wait a minute. I've been paying like an extra 400 bucks a month here and none of it has come off the principle because I wasn't putting that towards the principle. And that's when I figured out, oh, oh, this is what I want to fucking do. I want to pay the mortgage and then take the other money and put it at the fucking principle. Now, a lot of you are rolling your fucking eyes, but the amount of people that go in and get a fucking house and never realize that or realize that they, that they front end load the fucking interest.

Like even, I think, I think, isn't it like if you, if you, even if you're 10 years into your mortgage at that point, you've already given the bank 80% interest, 80% of the interest that they're going to earn on the money that they loaned you. Because basically when you buy a house, if you take 30 years to pay it off, whatever you took out, you're going to give the bank two and a half times that. So just to make it easy, if you took out 100 grand, you're going to pay back $250,000. All right. Now, for as much as the banks are not fucking regulated, for as much as they got the fucking houses back and they're going to do it all over again, you know, make complete fucking shitheads qualified for mortgages. Right. As long as you, if everybody, if they could just educate everybody to that, that whole fucking game, then people wouldn't get suckered into those things. And then banks could try to do whatever the fuck they wanted to do.

Listen, if you're a dope like me, if you get a fucking mortgage, like, isn't there a lawyer there to walk you through it? Remember when I closed, I had a lawyer, right? He's like, didn't New York. I don't fuck. Look, all I'm saying is watch that movie and then don't get all free. Well, you should get freaked out because there's a bunch of mouth breathing fucking morons out there. Ah, Christ, why did I watch that movie? It's so fucking depressing.

Like, well, what am I going to do? I tell them 50 people are going to do what I'm going to say right now. Nobody gives a fuck, right? You know, go out and put $50 down on a million dollar house and enjoy it and do some cannonballs into the fucking house. You know, you get cannonballs into the fucking pool before they throw you out in eight months. That's what everybody's going to be doing again within three years. Do I ever have anything optimistic to say about the future? It's really ridiculous.

You would think during this time of year, the holiday season, that I would think some shit like that. But for whatever reason, I don't. That was one thing that I got out of that movie. By the way, it's fucking phenomenal. Pharrell is amazing. The dude from Drive. Why can't I remember his fucking name? I think he's obviously a phenomenal actor.

What the fuck is wrong with me? All right, Brad Pitt. I'll get three out of four here. And Christian Bale. All amazing. The whole thing is great. And I guess I'm depressed after watching it because, you know, the deal. You know, whenever you fucking watch something like that.

I don't want to ruin the end of the movie, but you know how those fucking movies end. Those kinds of movies, movies that are deemed powerful. You know, what do they predict? They always, you know, if they didn't make a movie about fucking those dolphins getting the fucking shit kicked out of them over in Japan. I never watched that. I didn't watch that fucking thing because I didn't want to watch a bunch of dolphins getting beaten to death. It's just like, can you just tell me the address I need to send the money to? So the opportunists can keep most of it and fucking buy a yacht that he calls the dolphin or some shit.

And then maybe a couple of it goes to a porpoise. A couple bucks goes over there. Can you just tell me what the fuck that is? Do I really have to watch the footage? You know, the horror of that? Can you just fucking tell me that's what they do? And I'll be fine. Do you ever see like the trailer for that?

It's fucking, you know, all these fucking people that love watching gory movies, you know, saw in fucking Frankenstein. And Friday the 13th and fucking Jason goes to Freddy's camp versus the predator, whatever the fuck it's called. You know, all you got to do if you really want to see fucking, you know, if that's not enough for you, because I would think if you're watching horror films, it's got to be like porno, right? Where at first, the first time you watch a porno, the first time you see it, you just see it. You're like, oh my God. And then it's over. It's over like 30 seconds.

You might as well just be like in a peep show or just hand cranking a fucking viewmaster. You'd be fine. You somehow taped it to your head so you could hand crank it while fucking yanking your fucking ball joint down there, right? Then after a while, you know, you build up a little stamina like cardio, except you jerk it off. You know what I mean? So I would think that watching horror movies would be the same thing. Like when you were a kid, you'd watch, I don't know what the fuck you'd watch. You'd watch Big Bird fucking try to walk out.

He hit himself on that chin up bar and that made you feel bad for birds. I don't fuck. I'm trying to think of a lame horror movie. What's a bad one? I don't fucking know. Whatever. Like the fifth installment of the killer bees. Remember that?

And they went all over that guy's VW bug and he drove into the super dome and they turned on the air conditioner and then they all died. It's kind of ironic that they're all dying now because it's getting too hot, right? Once again, Bill, going back to fucking doomsday. Going back to doomsday. Just shut the fuck up. Just enjoy the holidays. Oh, by the way, the pie crust video should be out any day. I'm going to talk to Andrew tonight and figure out exactly when that's coming out.

I know he put out the fucking trailer. And then you guys will get to see my ugly ass kitchen. If you're wondering what those cupboards are, it's called Naughty Pine. Naughty, not like it's bad, bad pine. It doesn't mean that it's naughty like it has knots in it. And evidently that was all the rage at some point in the late 80s and early 90s. But it has since fallen out of favor, much like Zecavary cheese and fingerless gloves. But my kitchen is an homage.

Oh, Jesus Christ, that guy fell on his fucking ass and he shook it off. Good man, black guy, black guy with the ball. Good deal, good deal. He's a Celtic. He's black. He's got the ball. I like this. Don't pass to the white guy.

Don't pass to the white guy. Fuck! Get rid of it! And he missed it. He missed it. Of course he fucking missed it. Of course he did. The fuck, I mean, you know what I mean?

Jesus fucking cry. Yeah, right there, right there, right down the other end of the court. Yeah, Chicago just scored. Chicago just scored. They don't have a problem knowing who to pass to. I'm like literally reverse racists when I watch hoop. Now the white guy, give it to the white guy again. Gina, what?

Somehow we're up by eight though. I'm going to shut the fuck up then. Maybe my white guys are doing all right. This has to be our second team in there. All right, a white guy just faked out another white guy and then took a shot at the top of the key. It didn't go it. Is this like a charity game?

I've never seen so many white guys out on a fucking court in basketball. This should be in like black and white, you know, with them dribbling with their hand on top of the ball. What was I talking about? Oh, I was talking about the end of the world jerking off and fucking horror movies. Okay. Yeah, I was going to say, if you really want to see, yeah, if you want to see something terrifying, yeah, I would just watch, just turn on the nature channel, whatever fucking

channel it is. Do you remember these discoveries to fucking sit there talking about, you know, they always talking about the animals, right? And all of a sudden they're not talking about animals anymore. Isn't that weird? That was their whole bread and butter. That's all they talked about was animals. Today we're doing the cheetahs.

It's fucking big cat week. They got that coming up, but it was dead. It was all it was, was about pretty much nature, nature, right? That's all it was about. But you know what it was? I mean, I'm going to base it on a guy, somebody like me. I stopped watching that fucking channel because I love animals, right? And the first fucking three quarters of every one of those episodes was tremendous.

And then the last third would be like, you know, this is what they would all be adorable. Look what they do. Look at them, the natural habitat. They do the damnedest things. Oh, look, it just killed another animal. That's how they survive. That's fucking amazing. And then in the end, it was just like, and then man came and fucking completely screwed

up their entire environment. And then you'd sadly watch them dying next to an empty fucking plastic milk carton. You know what I mean? A container. Does carton say that it's cardboard? One of those giant gallon things. You know what I mean? That's plastic fucking things, right?

Well, you never had milk before. Fucking look at me like that. Don't leave your car radio like that, you asshole. So I kind of stopped watching. I bet people stopped watching it because it became too fucking depressing. Because at this point, they used to just do shit about bees, you know, and the human interaction would be some guy would put bees on his face, right? You have a beard.

You have a bee beard, right? Now they're going to talk about how they're dying off. And then if photosynthesis doesn't happen, there's like no more potatoes. I don't know. Who wants to watch that? My favorite thing now is that people still go in the fucking ocean and there's no fish left, and there's more and more shark attacks. And I think it's going to continue.

And you watch how they vilify the sharks, you know, they'll somehow connect them to ISIS. You know what I mean? It's just going to be going to become all of that. Hey, when the sharks die off, are we going to make manmade ones? I think that's what's going to happen in the future. Because if we're going to start making salmon, you know, if you can make one of those in a little mixer, you know what I mean?

Take out your KitchenAid. Just get that DNA swirling around in there. You know? That's what we should be doing. We should be taking the DNA of all of them, just like in Jurassic Park. We're running out of bees. All right, well, we'll fucking make some. Relax.

You know? Custom order. How many do you need? All right, you let them loose. Just keep making the bees. So, you know, and then maybe they die a little quicker, but you just keep making them. But then you know, whatever made the bees, whatever that fucking machine was, would cause even more global warming.

I think we're fucked. You know what I mean? You know, the more I think about that, that fucking lunatic that got everybody to drink the fucking grape juice, you know, down there in South America, I think he was onto something. Maybe he wasn't a nut. Maybe he was just an environmentalist, and he was walking around a mall one day, and he was just like, you know what, you say, right, you know, and he went to a ball game. He's like, yeah, you know, I'm still not feeling it.

He went to white neighborhoods, black neighborhood, Asian, you know, if you saw all the people that he convinced to kill themselves, all colors, all creeds, all ages, this guy, he did a nice cleansing. You know, I'll tell you right now, you know, next time one of those guys in one of those Waco, Texas guy goes a little fucking sideways, you know, let's see what happens. Let's see where he goes with this. All you got to do is just surround him, and then he'll do the dirty work, right? All right, this is what you do.

This is how you solve the population problem. Okay, instead of letting nuts go in the fucking street, you know, you don't just take them out of the insane asylum because you don't want to pay for them anymore. What you do is you get them a suit, all right? And I don't know, you get them to start a religion or something. I don't know. I don't know what to do. Okay, as far as I can, I can know what this plan is you let people out of insane asylums

and you give them a brand new suit in like a briefcase, maybe like an iPad or some shit like that, right? And then they get a fucking job and well, you know what, let's just start over again. Good looking insane people, regular insane people. You just put them out on the street the way that we do. You know what I mean? And then you get mad going, why is this fucking asshole not obeying the, you know, J walking in the street?

You go, Oh my God, they're nuts. They're fucking crazy. You know, you know, look at that fucking person's either fucking mine and you're literally in your car talking to yourself too. You start thinking, you know, is that how I'm going to end up? I mean, I might be that person just talking to myself, doing that violent head shake every fucking 10 feet, walking up the street with a cart full of God knows what deal is a guy who sleeps on the sidewalk.

It's fucking like, I was gonna say it's fucking, it's fucking hilarious that his face is so windburned. Every time I look at him, it's like, while the Giants finally fired Tom Coughlin and evidently he was not smart with his money, I'm sorry, whatever, the guy, he fucking, he booses it up, you know, so it's a weirdest thing because you go down there and my dog always looks at it, the dude with like this, within his concern, like a dog knows when somebody's not a threat and is actually in trouble. So I've tried to talk to the person, but it never seems to work out.

He just sort of looks at me like, I always feel like I'm freaking him out because he's sleeping on the street. Like I went, he thinks I'm going to rob him, but do something bad. But what kills me about the guy, he always sleeps on the same side. He sleeps on his left side, right on his fucking shoulder, okay. And what kills me is his head never touches the ground. He doesn't have a pillow. His head just goes straight out.

You know what I mean? Like he got knocked out. You know, like when you see a wide receiver getting knocked out, his fucking arms are sticking up. That's what he looks like, but with his head and I always think how sore his fucking neck is. So I'm thinking about getting him a pillow, but I never know when he's going to be there. And I'm not going to walk my dog carrying a fucking pillow every day waiting to see

this guy. And you know, for all I know, I'm going to come walking up with a pillow. He's going to think that I'm going to try to smother him or maybe he's too crazy to accept the pillow. Maybe he starts eating it and chokes on the fucking feathers. I don't know, but that's good for the bees though. That's good for the bees, right? And I don't mean the Bruins, right?

Maybe that's a positive way to look at the future is more and more people get fucking, you know, you just start looking at it's a good thing, you know, didn't Carl and talk about shit like that? That guy was so fucking far ahead of his time. I think he talked about that in like the nineties, like enjoying disasters, rooting for him to happen. You know, it's weird enough that I think that way. But when you actually have a kid, that's, that's, you know, that's a whole other level

of fucked up that I, that I actually have to respect on some level. Is that a half hour, 32 minutes? All right, I did it. Jesus Christ. And right now it's 91 88 Boston. There's only two minutes, 32 seconds left. So an NBA time that's at least 45 minutes over to the white guy reverse layup. There you go.

Point said, I'm like, finally should have like 20 more assists. You bearded. Fuck. All right. That's the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, just checking in on you. I hope you guys have a nice holiday season and you get the time to hang out with your friends. And even though they don't advertise with me anymore, because I brought up that possibly

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Early in the morning I break a day. That's when my baby went away. Granny Peter won't do no good. I wish you would. I love you, baby. Can't help myself. I won't mistreat you with no one else. Tell me, baby, what you trying to do?

Loving me and another man, too. Hugging and kissing late at night. Uh, advice. Hey, Bill. I'll let the comedy really go. I look forward to it every day. All right, it gets me. Jesus Christ.

Okay, I want to ask you some questions. We'll ask it. I'm 25 years old and have been married for two years to a great woman. No kids yet. Uh, we live very close to all of her family, parents, grandparents, cousins, all of them. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, absolutely. That can be a fucking nightmare.

All right, you better, you better have the ground rules down. All right. It'd be like, listen, I know your family fucking lives right around the corner, but this is my fucking house. All right. It's my fucking house. They only come around on the holidays. They don't just show up like Kramer on Seinfeld.

There's none to be, be none of that. So anyways, her grandmother is planning this big three day long family reunion this summer. And as much as I love my wife, I would rather take a shit on a hooker's toilet than go to this thing. Yeah, absolutely. Dude, you're surrounded by him. I spend far too much time with her family as it is. And worst of all, I think it might conflict with when you come to do a show in my hometown.

I told her today that if her reunion is the same weekend that you come to town that I will just have to skip the reunion. Good man. She let me have it for about how important this is to her. This is what they do. This is what they do. How her family comes first. And if I was a good person, I would go to the reunion and then she started to cry.

Oh, dude, she hit you with both barrels. Both barrels. Dude, this is so fucked up. I'm actually going to whisper in my lovely woman is fucking four states away. I had this fucking argument. I had this argument fucking a week ago. All right. Oh my God, you got to get to the post.

You got to get to the mailbox first and look for those fucking wedding invitations. All right. And you get that and you just rip it up and fire it over the fucking fence. All right. I didn't do that. All right. I saw it. I knew it was an invitation and she gets this fucking invitation to go to a goddamn wedding.

All right. In the middle of fucking nowhere. All right. And I said, I'm not going. I'm not going. And then she starts telling me how important these people are to her. And I said, give me a fucking break. They're important to you.

I've never heard you say their names. I don't even recognize these names. How can this be important? How can the and then she and then she starts saying she just did the exact fucking same thing. Short of the crime. You know, I would think that you would want to go with this to me. This is important and blah, blah, blah. It's like sweetheart, I spend my life in airports on airplanes.

I don't want to go to an extra fucking thing. Okay. Tell them to put it on Skype and I'll sit there and watch it with you. I don't want to fucking go to it. All right. So let me ask, do we ask them to go to any shit? Like I would never drag my girl to a football game. She hates it.

But I said that this is really important to me and you are a good person. You go and tailgate and get drunk with me. It's fucking ridiculous. I don't want to go. So anyways, then she started to cry. He said, I have got a lot of a lot of this shit since I got married. Yeah, I could tell you that too. Cause you're 25.

You know, you're 25. If you're 25 and you get fucking married, a woman is going to be 10 years beyond you just knowing how to fucking roll over. You're in a relationship, but not all is not lost. All is not lost. Let me finish this. If anything happens in her family, I have to be there even if it's as small as her cousin graduating from the third grade. I'm sick of it. I mean, I really hate doing stuff like this.

She knows I don't like it, but if I was just to flat out tell her I hate it, it would break her heart. All right. So you're a decent guy. Okay. I would hate to do that because she's my wife and I love her. All right. Good guy. Thinking about her.

Okay. Oh, and I see my family and I see my family about once a year since they live on the other side of the country. She just doesn't understand that I did not grow up in a family where we spend a ton of time together. So shit, shit life, family reunions, uh, doesn't mean that much to me. I feel like those ladies should understand that if I miss one weekend with them to see my favorite comedian who I might not get a chance to see again in a very long time. Then that's all right. How do I let her know how I feel and get her to give me some space and not crush my balls about going to all of her family stuff? Um, all right, dude.

This is what you do. Your heart, your heart's in the right place. You don't want to hurt her. Okay. And I'm going to kind of side with your wife on this one in that not really side with her, but you picked the wrong one to put your foot down on. All right. What you had to do is put your foot down on, you know, little Mikey just made his first fucking popsicle stick house. We all have to go over and look at it.

That's something that you can blow off like a major family reunion. You kind of got to go to that. You got to be by her side. Okay. So that she can prove that. See, I got one. He loves me. Right.

So this is what you, what you are right now. You're in a great position to barter. Okay. Okay. Because you're going to make the sacrifice and not see in my shell. Okay. So this is what you tell her. Just say, listen, my favorite comedian is coming to town.

Just like you said, I might not get another chance to see him, but because this is so important to you, I want to be there for you. So I will go. Okay. And she'll say, good. Thank you. And then you say, however, all right, this is when you barter and just say all this. And I don't know how to say this eloquently. Because I just have to get to the point.

All this fucking bullshit, these cunty little stupid ass fucking things. I don't give a fuck about you. I don't want to go to them anymore. Okay. I work all day. I come home. I want to chill out. I don't know your family.

I don't know. I married you. Okay. You want to go to the, you know, the Oscars of your family reunion. I will go to that shit. Okay. Your dad gets a new colostomy bag. I'm not showing up to that.

I, I, I am not going to all of them. I will go to some major ones. I will go to Christmas time. I'll put on the sweater. All right. But this fucking 24 seven all the fucking time. Susie fuck face is having a birthday party. I'm not going to it.

I'm staying home and I'm watching the game. Okay. Because it's making me miserable and I want to be happy with you. All right. And this is the thing. She might give you shit about that, but no, you got it. You got to put your foot down and let her cry about it. All right.

And just say this isn't fair to me. This isn't fair to me that all of my free time involves being with your family. All right. I don't know how you say it, dude. You got to figure out how to say it's fucking boring. Good Lord going over there. I don't like the smell of their house. I don't like their food.

I don't like the color of their plates. I just want to get the fuck out of there. I'm not comfortable. You are. Go over there. They probably don't even like you going over there. You know, they want their girl over there. So fucking go over there.

So that's what I would do. Just play her game. All right. My show is as important to you as that fucking thing. So why don't you cry? No, I can't do that. But you know what I'm saying? Just flip it around.

Just be like, all right. Well, I want you to know that I'm missing my favorite fucking comedian to go to this thing. Okay. And I will go to this thing. Okay. I am only going to the major ones. Okay. Because I love you when I support you.

But this tiki-tak fucking horse shit, that's all you. I'm not doing that. Okay. Because I need a life outside of this, outside of your family. All right. Go fuck yourself. Love you. Love you buttons.

I'll see you later. There you go. How's that? Was that work? Please, pretty baby, give me one more chance. You know I love you. I want to be your man. And please, it won't do no good.

Come back, baby. I wish you would. Oh, love you, baby. Can I help myself? I won't mistreat you with no honest. Love you. Ah, dear Bill. Bill, I met you after a show in Pittsburgh.

The black guy with the hot Latina. We laughed about my shoes matching my outfit. Well, my beautiful girlfriend for the past three years has a little bit of insecurity, insecurity issues. A lot of those are absolutely gorgeous women do. And you know why it is? It's because they're level. I'm not even reading this shit.

The reason why I think a lot of them are fucking insecure is because they're beautiful. And that goes away after a while. So the clock is just fucking ticking. You know, if you just some regular douchebag like me, there's no pressure going back to your fucking high school reunion. I mean, the expectations are so fucking low. You know, it's easy to surpass him. Like, oh, jeez, he didn't get fat.

This guy's awesome. But if you're a fucking hot chick, it can just, it can only go downhill. And I also think that they have the same insecurity a rich guy has where a rich guy's like, this woman's just with me because of my money, not because of who I am. I think that they have the insecurity that this person is just with me because of my ass and today's. All right. For some odd reason, she feels the need for me to prove to her that I love her whenever we're in a public setting. So recently during some Christmas shopping, she got upset that I wouldn't hold her hand as we walk through the mall.

She proceeded to catch one of the one of her spicy Latin attitudes with me. So, you know, if you were white and you said that and you said that on TV, you would have to apologize for nine weeks when you lose your job. Why does it have to be spicy? Are you saying that Latino people are like their peppers? All right. I'm going to stop commenting and just plow through this. Okay.

So I handle the situation like a G parentheses gentlemen and completely ignored her ass until we got into the car and I finally had enough of her telling me how I don't love her and how she wants me to love her. Oh, I don't love her how she wants me to love her and how unaffectionate of a man I am. And you know what, dude? That right there is probably how you got this hot girl because you weren't the first guy sitting there with your tongue hanging out of your mouth. You acted like you didn't even give a fuck, which fed into her insecurity of like, Oh my God, is the expiration date hit? Am I not hot anymore?

Look at me commenting again. All right. I swear these bitches are so unappreciative. Unappreciative. This is funny. You call them bitches. Why can't these bitches understand how much I appreciate their ass? Every weekend, Bill, we do something.

Dinner, movies, plays, etc. But because she has a badge, she has to find something to complain about. I think it's because women have this trait where they feel a strong need to be miserable. No, dude. You know what's going on? It's just spoiling her. You're taking her to dinner, movies, plays every fucking weekend. Now she's come to expect it.

You know what I mean? It's just become part of a routine. It's not special anymore. So now you have to do something extra special because special isn't special. You know? That's what I, you know what? I'm not to whisper this shit. We were up in San Francisco, right?

I lit up my credit cards this Christmas. All right? My girl had a great fucking Christmas. All right? It's three days later. We're up in fucking San Francisco. She wants to go shopping. I'm like, for what?

You didn't get enough? You know? So she knows I'm right. So what does she do? She tells me she wants a goddamn candle. Okay? Because it's not expensive, but she'll still feel like she got something. Because I don't know what it is.

They always got to get stuff. There's always got to be some sort of a goodie bag. And you know what? I wouldn't get it for her. I wouldn't get it for her. Okay, you're done. No, I'm not. It's over.

My credit cards are still glowing. I'm not getting you shit. And you know, she's cool as hell. So she just kept laughing because I was being unbelievably rude. And I was being really loud. I was just joking around. And, but still, that's the thing. And I just kept saying, I spoil you.

I'm, you know, we're shutting it down for a while. You're not getting anything until Valentine's Day. You know? You want something. Now I'll get you a little bag of Fritos. What do you think about that? Maybe something to wash it down with. And then what they do is they immediately get mad.

And then all you do is you don't take the bait. They want you to get mad so then they can turn it into a fight about something else because they know you're fucking right. All right. So let it be mad. All you got to do is you just got to stay fucking calm. Well, let's see what this guy does. Yeah.

So anyways, he goes, so we are driving along the highway, leaving them all, and she's still bitching. And finally I tell her, you know what? If you don't like the way I express my love for you, then step off. Got to read that quote like a black man. I can't. I'm not even going to try to. So immediately, I actually read that.

I read that like a douchey East Coast white guy. Then fucking step off. How did you? You don't like that motherfucker. Then step off, bitch. That was that good? I know it wasn't. Well, then don't ask me to do it.

All right, plowing ahead. You know what? I might have like a fucking substitute black guy for when black guys write some shit in here. So you guys can read it the way you're supposed to say it. Other than that, you're getting fucking a cracker ass read and you're going to have to live with it. All right.

So immediately after that, I said, after I said that this bitch starts throwing these accurate and quick ass pocky old combos. She's punching you. I'm doing 65 miles per hour down the highway, trying not to hit the guardrail while at the same time getting this crazy bitch off me. Luckily, I didn't crash my year old Mercedes. This guy is hilarious. Come on, dude.

Do you love this girl or is she just another accessory? My year old Mercedes with the Corinthian leather. I get pulled over. Get pulled over or God forbid seriously injure us. I mush the hell out of her and held her face against the passenger window. Totally acceptable. Totally. The mush is the gentleman move.

You can't punch her. You just hold her head up against the glass, you know, so the people on the other side get to see what her face looks in a fun house mirror in order to decrease her reach while steering the car on the highway and absorbing her manly combos. Gotta give it to her. The bitch had a mean right. So if you can picture me driving, I can totally picture this dude. I've lived this.

So you can picture me driving down the highway in a bright red Mercedes. Okay. I didn't ever had a Mercedes. It was more in a 83 Ford Ranger with black vinyl seats. Swerving like some drunk in and out of lane staring with one hand and stiff arming the shit out of my girls. If I'm posing for the Heisman trophy after she stopped beating my face in, she had the nerve to say I hit her and hurt her worse by pressing her face against the glass.

Are you fucking kidding me? This bitch almost took both of our lives. Long story short, as soon as I was able to come to a safe and complete stop, I kicked the bitch out and haven't heard from her since. This was three weeks ago and it's all for the best. That type of girl can never be satisfied, which is something I've learned the hard way over the past three years. But this was the straw that did it.

So my question for you is, was I wrong in this situation and do I owe her an apology? No and no. All right. All you can do is break down your game plan. All right. This is where you fucked up. You took the bait. All right.

She kept bitching and bitching and bitching and bitching, trying to make you mad. She was, she got you to do exactly what she wanted you to do. So that gave her an excuse to do what she wanted to do, which was fucking flip out and yell. All right. That's what they do when they know they don't have a fucking leg to stand on and they know they're wrong. What they then try to do, you know, not all of them and not in every situation, but when then they're not going to be an adult and just say, you know what, you're right.

I'm being fucking crazy right now. I apologize. Okay. When they're not going to take that adult route, what they then do is they just push your buttons and they just try to make you mad and they just keep pushing you and pushing it and pushing it and pushing it until you then flip out and say something fucking crazy. Like, well, if you don't like it, then why don't you get the fuck out? And then they flip out.

All right. So what you got to do is in the future is you just don't take the bait. You got to recognize, you know, they're doing, they're doing the fucking Dennis Rodman thing to you. They're baiting you into a penalty. That's all they're doing. Okay. And the ref always sees the retaliation.

That's basically, it's the same fucking thing. So in the future, just don't get mad. It will drive them up the fucking wall and you won't believe the amount of arguments you're going to start winning because in their effort to piss you off, they're going to cross like 10 other lines. All right. Now, when they cross 10 other lines, if you take the bait and then go even further down the road, that's all that's remembered in the end as you then try and piece together who

said what, when, but if they go, if they cross 10 lines and you don't take the bait, they had 10 lines beyond where the fuck they should be and you got them dead to rights and you just have to maintain your fucking cool. Now, getting back to this other shit is you do not owe her a fucking apology. All right. It's absolutely fucking ridiculous. It's absolutely childish and you can't as an adult expect somebody to not hit you if you're hitting them.

All right. She's basically asking you to extend a common human to human courtesy that she's not extending to you. So she can go fuck herself. You definitely, I don't know if you made the right move. Now, I don't know if you walk around calling her a bitch and that type of thing. This is you just trying to be a tough guy going, then this bitch said this and this, you know, this bitch said that.

That's another thing. Don't go around calling her bitches because that just kills your argument. Don't ever call them bad names. All right. Just hold your ground. Don't lose your fucking cool and let them go through their whole little fucking history on it's trying to get you to take the fucking bait. All right.

And as long as in the relationship, you admit when you're wrong and you sincerely apologize, they don't have a fucking leg to stand on when you're right and you're going to start winning arguments and you're going to be happier. There you go. All right. Other than that, I don't know. Stop taking cycles. Easy.

Take it easy. Early in the morning for the break of day. My baby went away. Crying and pleading won't do no good. Oh, come back, baby. I wish you were. I love you, baby. Can I help myself?

I won't mistreat you with no one else. Tell me, baby, what you're trying to do? Loving me and another man too. I was fucking talking about it. We decided to have a fucking party for a new place. You know, you think that was my idea? You think it was my idea to have a bunch of strangers come into the fucking house? I'll have people over.

That's what I do. Hey, you want to come over and watch the game? Nine people that I know, right? Have all your fucking phone numbers. You know, Nia is a more open person. So she's like, let's have a party. All right. So she goes, invite your friends.

So I'm all right. So, you know, I got, you know, I'm a guy. I don't have a bunch of friends. Okay. I got six good friends for that I could really trust. You know, it's about it. At least out here. Then over here, Nia talking to her mom about all excited about the party.

And she's like, yeah, I sent it out on what's Facebook. And I was just like, oh my God, did I just invite 110 people? And my heart literally sank going, please tell me you didn't just invite 110 fucking people. She's like, don't worry, they're not all going to show up. It's like, yeah, but like a third will. And then they're going to bring people that you don't even fucking know. And that's exactly what happened. It was a fucking great party.

I'm not going to lie to you, but I got to admit, like I got to learn how to, I thought I was going to be a good host. I wasn't, I wasn't. I was all right with the people I knew, but the people I didn't know. Actually, most of them are all right, but there were a couple of them. I just found, I just said, there's something fucking annoying about somebody you don't know sitting on your goddamn couch, you know, eating your food, drinking your booze. And you're like, who the fuck are you?

Had somebody else was laying down on the floor. I felt like the kid's dad. I'm like, get him, get a fucking job. All right, it's over. You're 26, you fucking bum. So anyway, so the party's going great. And I'm basically the whole time, you know, not drinking too much, but I'm standing by the front door because that's the only way out.

All right. And nobody's walking out with any of my shit. Right. I'm acting basically like psycho in fucking stripes. It's how I am. It's how I'm wired. All right. So fucking three quarters of the way through the party, everything's going great.

And I'm like, wow, this is, you know what I forgot? I forgot I'm not 21 anymore. I'm fucking 43. All my friends are adults and everybody's drinking responsibly. And no one's really hammered. Nothing got broken. Everything's cool. So start just as I was starting to relax.

Some kid comes up to me. He's like, yeah, you own the house. And I'm like, well, the bank owns it. I'm fucking paying it off. What can I do for you? And he's like, yeah, it's kind of embarrassing, but I use the bathroom downstairs and it's clogged now. And I was wondering if he had a plunger and I was like, yeah, I do have a plunger.

I got a plunger right here. The upstairs bathroom. So I give it to the guy and I say, man, I appreciate your honesty. He goes, no problem. He goes downstairs. He takes care of it. Comes back once again. He goes, he goes, sorry about that.

I said, not at all. What the fuck? It's a toilet. You know, clogs up every once in a while, but I appreciate your honesty. You know, because that would have been nasty. Good for you. Right. So now the couple of hours goes by, the party ends and there's like one straggler left

and I tell the story to me. I'm like, you know, what a good, what a good guy. What a good shit. No pun intended. You know, we could have left it in there and then the other party I come walking in my fucking bathroom looks like a goddamn Port Authority bus station toilet. You know. So I was psyched.

So one of the stragglers at the party goes, yeah, he goes, I saw that whole thing go down. That's not exactly how it went down. I'm like, what are you talking about? He goes, he goes, it wasn't him that was in the bathroom. And I go, who was it? He goes, it was his girlfriend. Some lady took a dump of a magnitude that it wouldn't go down the toilet. So now she's in there panicking.

And this is when today's technology kicks in. Back in the day, she would have had to crawl out the fucking window and hope nobody saw her and just left the door locked. Everybody would have panicked. Holy fuck, who's in there? Did somebody pass out? Did somebody commit suicide? Someone would have kicked in the door.

All right. Knocked it off the fucking goddamn hinges and you go in there. There'd be nobody in there. You'd feel the air from outside and then look down and everyone would see a giant shit and be like, ah, and the party would be over. And the owner of the house would be walking around going, who did it? Which one of you motherfucking, Jerry? Did you clog up my toilet, you motherfucker?

You better drive away, right? That's how it would have ended. But because of today's technology, I'm not saying she didn't panic. You know, it's even worse as a lady because they're not even supposed to do stuff like that, right? And she was able to text her boyfriend. And I would fucking pay at least $400 to read those texts, the panic in those texts. And to his credit, he fucking, he stepped it up.

He took the hit. He came up to me. VH1s, I love the 80s, own Bill Burr and said, I took a dump in your toilet to a magnitude that didn't go down and I need the tools required to alleviate this situation. So anti douchebag of the week, that guy right there. So taking a fucking bullet for the team. That, that right there is the reverse Peyton Manning award. He didn't fucking go, we had protection issues.

Right? No, he took one. He took one for the fucking team. Went upstairs like a goddamn gentleman, asked for a plunger, gave it to him. And it was all fine. And it went down there at the end of the party. You never would have known anything, anything happened. You know what I mean?

Like, you know, three hours after the Kennedy assassination, I bet it was, it was all, I don't say it, you know, marked it all up and everything was all figured out. I bet it was a nice road again. Mopped up the brains. What am I talking about? Shit! Shit! Oh!

Shit!