Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-12-19

Episode Date: December 13, 2019

Bill rambles about primates, meat substitute colorization, and the Golden Globes controversy.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. I'm checking in. How's your, how's your, how's your fucking week going? Yeah, you know, it's a weird week, right? It's fucking stressful. If you're a college kid, you're taking finals. You know, if you're mugged people, you know, I don't know, everybody's shopping online so they're not really carrying a big box like back in the day, right? I feel bad for people used to steal people's fucking Christmas packages. It's another dying industry out there. Every year just sitting there in the fucking bushes, right? Like one of them goddamn lions trying to catch a fucking baboon.

Just sitting there with two fucking many of money, one, one person to kind of stray from the herd. And I'll grab them and all the other baboons will scream for a second, but they'll know it's too late. Oh shit, I watched a bunch of fucked up. You ever just watch videos of animals killing each other? You know, and then you just get to that one and you're like, it's just so fucking horrific. You know, you almost want to just call up PETA and be like, really, you got nothing on this one. I didn't watch it. Thank God I didn't watch it. I just shut it off really quickly. But there was these fucking baboons, right? I don't know what it is about monkeys, but I love seeing them get killed. I have

to there's a few things that I don't mind seeing get killed. Monkeys are one of them. I don't like them. I like gorillas. But everything else, everything that they can go fuck themselves. It's weird, you know, because I'm, you know, mostly a fucking ape myself as is everybody else, maybe more monkey. I don't know. I have no idea. So these fucking baboons, right? They sit there and they, you know, I guess they come down from the trees. I thought they ate bananas. You know, I get a lot of my, you know, a lot of my animal statistics on, you know, old school Hollywood and what they had them do. I thought they just sat around eating fucking bananas and dancing to some old guy cranking a music box. But evidently,

they come down from the trees and they like, I don't know, they're in the grass. They're doing something, right? So they're always next to these little impalas or these gazelles. And I'm not talking about the car or the sneakers. I'm talking about the animals here, right? They're fucking, do you know, just be grazing along. And then all of a sudden they just, out of nowhere, they just be like, you know what, fuck this, I'm sick of eating this grass. I could use a protein shake and they'll just fucking sort of subtly just start walking behind one of the little baby gazelles. And if they can, they'll fucking snatch it. And then these fucking lunatics, they like, they won't kill it. They just start pulling the thing apart.

It's just fucking, I saw the picture and I couldn't click on it. So I was sick of that shit. You know what I mean? Like when chimpanzees fight each other, they fucking rip the other chimp's foot off and yank his fucking balls off. I'm just like, you know, I don't know. But there's got to be some good ones because human beings do horrible shit to each other. But you know, it doesn't mean they should all fucking die, right? It is stupid. They should have some sort of like a court system among the gazelle and baboon. Fuck him. That's a fucking cereal. The rest of them were just sitting fucking eating grass and this one just, he just went rogue. Definitely was, you know, speaking of which, what do you guys think about this fucking impossible

burger? I had one, it tastes really good, but why is it red? I mean, I make these lentil burgers and I know why it's red because it has beets in there. Do they just put in some fucked up dye in there? It's just something I've learned in life. You cannot have your cake and eat it. And I'm eating this thing. It tastes like a burger. It's not a burger. And I feel great afterwards and I'm not fat. Okay. That's not how this world works. All right. To get something, you got to give something up. Okay. That's something these fucking ladies don't understand. That's why they're always writing these articles to women. Okay. Can women really have it all? No. Neither can men. You can't have it all. If you get something, you give something up. Okay. Your

hands are full. You want something else. You got to drop something to get something else. That's how it works. You fucking lunatics. All right. It says the guy talking to himself screaming and yelling, working himself and do a leather. All right. How is an impossible burger red? The hemma is the molecule that gives blood its red color and helps carry oxygen to produce the hemiprotein from nonanimal sources. Impossible food selected the leg hemoglobin molecule found naturally in the roots of soy plants. Really? Okay. Impossible. How does it taste? Is it safe? Now, you don't even know. Where is this coming from? Is this coming from the fucking red meat lobby? This plant-based burger looks

and tastes like real beef. But is there a catch here on CNET? Traditional veggie burgers. They always have to have three fucking paragraphs of bullshit. You know, for the longest time we've been eating burgers that all started on the fucking freedom trail. All right. In fact, vegetarian ba-ba-ba. Despite the fact that this lab-grown burger is unsettling to some, it's gotten so popular, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. What are the ingredients? What does the impossible burger taste like? Where to find the impossible burger? How to cook the impossible burger? How much does it cost? Oh, here we go. Is the impossible burger safe to eat? This feels like a commercial here. You can safely eat an impossible burger unless you are allergic to soy, coconut or sunflower.

The ingredients in the impossible burger are simply and free of toxic. Wow. Now, where is this coming from? Is it coming from? Coming from the impossible burger. Well, there you go. All right. I'll guess I'll keep fucking eating those things. Oh, you know what? Every generation, you know what you have to be? You have to be a fucking lab rat for certain shit. Right? Okay. The generations that came before us smoked cigarettes and they got lung cancer and everybody's like, oh, I guess we shouldn't do that. Right? Generations before us did heroin and cocaine and we were all like, ah, you know, you do it moderation. It's a tough one to walk away from. What else? This generation now, these young kids, these fucking young kids,

what are they going through? They're the guinea pigs for vaping. Now look at them popcorn lung. These things are blowing up in their faces. Well, who knows? I actually think the cigarette companies, unless they make money off the vaping, I would think that they're out there trying to do some shit. I always take it back to the Suzuki Samurai. Okay. It ate into the American, the AMC. Well, who used to make the Jeep? It was an American motorist before Chrysler bought it. I don't fucking remember, but all I know was the Jeep was the Jeep and there was nothing else like it. Then all of a sudden the Suzuki Samurai came along and everybody was like, oh my god,

it's like a Jeep but it's cuter. And all it was cheaper and it undercut the Jeep and it really cut into their sales. And all of a sudden out of nowhere, there was all these fucking rumors about these fucking things. They were tipping over and people were falling and dying and their faces were getting fucking ripped off. Like some grindhouse Tarantino shit was happening in these fucking things. And then years later, it came out that Chrysler, who owned Jeep at the time, just kind of put those rumors out there. Like, oh my god, did you hear about the Suzuki Samurai? She is such a bitch. And everybody's just like, well, fuck that home wrecker. And then that was it. It completely fucked it over. You know, I think the Suzuki Samurai came

out of Japan and generally speaking, they are a polite culture, you know? So they didn't fight fire with fire. They could have came right back and said, hey, you know, I heard, if you drive a Jeep, it means you're a fat fucking, you got a little dick, you know? It's just we heard. Try to balance out the sales. They didn't do it. Oh, anyway, so anyway, I've been out here for about, I've been living out here in Los Angeles for 12 years. I fucking love it out here. And it really fits my, I don't know, just my sense of who I think I am. It really fits like, you know, my fantasies and my phoniness. And my, you know, even though I don't think Botox was around then, I sensed it was coming and I thought that this

was going to be the ground zero. So I like being out here. So anyways, last night, you know, oh, Billy fucking freckles, I had a big Hollywood night last night, I went to a premiere, I went to a movie premiere last night, everybody. That's right. You know, I didn't walk the red carpet because I want this movie to make money. I went to, it's fucking around here. I went to the Hollywood premiere of the new Adam Sandler movie, Uncut Gems. And let me tell you something, you're out of your fucking mind if you don't go see this one. I think my stomach finally just unnotted after watching that one. It is fucking two hours. I don't know how many I didn't time it. Okay, I was just eyes glued to the screen. It was just fucking relentless because his crazy is Adam Sandler's

character is Howard. You're rooting for the guy. And he's just making a lot of crazy decisions. I'm not going to ruin everything, but I think the cast was incredible. Adam Sandler crushes it. It's the best thing I've ever seen him do. Eric Pregosian was amazing. Julia Fox, Kevin Garnett fucking killed it. LaKeith Stanfield from Atlanta killed it. And I hope I say her name. Is it Idina? Idina Menzel was amazing as Adam Sandler's wife. Man, it's a fucking ride. Put it that way. And so psyched, my buddy hooked me up. I always says plus one. And the second I saw the trailer, I don't know if you guys saw the trailer. The second I saw the trailer, I was like, I'm fucking seeing that movie the first day. So yeah, it was fucking amazing.

And when it comes out on Christmas Day, I'm going to take my wife because she was breaking my freckle balls that I didn't bring her. She's like, I'm so jealous that you're fucking going to that. And I was like, that's right, man. I got more status than you, lady. Go make me a sandwich. No, I didn't say that. I was like, I'm sorry. Do you want to go in place of me? I got to do that the next time she's going out with one of her friends. I'm so jealous you're going to go to that fucking cake fountain restaurant. That's one thing I've learned about the ladies, the ladies love a fountain. They don't give a fuck what's coming out of it, water, cheese, chocolate, anything cascading, you know, but despite that, will they let you finish on

their face? No, they won't. And that is what I can't believe I just said that. That is one of life's big paradoxes. Anyways, speaking of ladies, congratulations to the Golden Globes, you know, sticking to their guns, not nominating any female directors, you know, in this day and age of just trying to please everybody, I really got to tip my cap to the Golden Globes for keeping their standards where they've always been. And rather than listening to all these people whining, they're standing their ground. And you know, this is their deal. You want a Golden Globe, ladies? You got to earn it. All this fucking bean count and shit. Oh, there's not enough Sri Lankers who want to know. Hey, ladies, why don't you suck it up and make something so goddamn good,

the Golden Globes cannot ignore you. No, they don't want to do that, do they? I'm just fucking right. I have no idea. I just saw a bunch of people up in arms about that. It will never cease to amaze me that people, adults, full grown adults, over the age of 30, brain is totally developed, want to win a trophy. What are you fucking eight years old? First of all, one of the greatest things in the fucking world is not to be nominated, because when you're not nominated, that means you don't have to go to the fucking show. You know, if you really just sat down and you thought it through, even if you get nominated, the fucking odds are against you that you're going to win. And then what? You had to go out,

you had to go on some stupid fucking diet, right? You're fucking yakking behind your goddamn house. You know, your fucking nanny's got to pull you out of your infinity pool as you're doing laps, because you're so fucking undernourished, right? Then your stylist comes over, you know, she's trying to put something on your bony figure and all that shit, and then you're going to sit there right before you go there. You're going to shove an impossible burger, right? You're probably going to have it liquefied and then shot up your ass by your fucking celebrity chef, personal chef, you know, and then you go to the red carpet. Oh my god. Mandy Mansfield, what are you wearing?

What was it like to work with so-and-so? It doesn't matter. I'm going to say they were awesome, even if they weren't. I just want to win the thing. And then you go in there, and then you got to watch the comedian come out and do his little eh-ya-da-ba-boo-doo-boo. What's fucking up with Trump? Ba-ba-doo-doo, right? There's fucking four hours of your life. And then what are you, then you got to sit there, waiting for your fucking category, watching a bunch of people going on stage, all these ladies wearing $10,000 dresses, they got their own TV show, they won the fucking statue, and then they go up there and they're still crying and whining about their lives. I went through so much to get this, and you're just fucking sitting there. Okay, as your organs are starting to shut

down, and you're literally getting to the fucking point of like, oh my god, I hope I don't win this fucking thing, because I don't even think I can make it from my table up to that fucking podium without face-planning on the fucking stairs. I'm so fucking undernourished, right? This is what you're campaigning for, ladies. Okay, let me give you another scenario. Let me give you my career. All right, so you like to tell jokes, huh? Giggling like a bunch of school girls. I got a joke for you. Ten guys sitting around a bullpen wondering how the fuck they ever got there. What do we do? What should we have done? I'll give you a story. All right, fucking playing funny bones in improvs, the Bray improv, right? Sitting in

fucking nine hours of traffic for a fucking place that's literally fucking, if you got on a fucking scooter, you could have got there in nine minutes, you know? Fucking playing a cop, playing a fireman, you know? They'd played another cop, they'd played another fireman, then a fireman, then a fucking cop. Eight lines in this movie, six lines in that movie, all of that. You probably look at me and you're like, wow, I feel bad for that guy, but guess what? Guess what I'm doing on the night of the Golden Globes? I'm at home. I'm eating a giant fucking burger. I got a handful of Hershey kisses. I'm shoving them down my fucking throat. I'm watching Sports Center. Nobody's asking me what I'm wearing. I got a beautiful wife that loves me and I got a great kid.

Who gives a fuck about the Golden Globes? Oh, are those the Globes that are golden? Oh, boy, I should shut up. I should shut up, because someday, you know what? Someday, F is for family is going to get nominated for a Golden Globe. The category for the best filthy animated show. And the winner is the Sri Lankan soliloquies. We're so progressive. The Golden Globes. But by the boo. Anyway, that will never cease to fucking amaze me. Or why don't ladies, why don't you guys start your own awards show? Right? Here's the deal. Do you understand the power you have women? What is an awards show without a bunch of hot fucking pieces of ass walking around? Now, if none of you ladies

go to that, and then you start the hot piece of ass Golden Globes, right? You fucking do that, and then what? Who's going to want to go to the Golden Globes? There's no fucking hot chicks there. You go to that thing. I don't know. Haven't you learned anything watching sports leagues? The fucking NFL wouldn't let people in. So a bunch of guys got together and said, fuck it, we'll make our own league. The AFL. And it's eight, nine years later, right? Broadway Joe goes down and wins the only one the Jets ever fucking won. 50 fucking years ago. You know, we'll walk on the moon again before the Jets won the fucking Super Bowl. I hate to say it. I actually don't hate to say it. I actually kind of enjoyed saying that. There we go. There's some

truth. All right, why don't you start a competing Golden Globes? Why don't you do that? Stop trying to join amazing shit that men created. What are you afraid of, ladies? Can't you go out and start something on your own? By the way, why don't women support the WNBA? I don't fucking understand it. You should have been in there from day one and gone right to the top and just become the female Kurt Gowdy. Why, why didn't you do that? Nah, nah, nah. You'd rather go to the fucking NFL and stand there freezing your fucking tits off on the goddamn sideline. You know, going Tom Brady, I think he got his thumb jammed. Tom, how does your thumb feel?

It's fine, right? Or you could be inside. I don't know. You know, sometimes I start talking and I don't know where my brain goes, my mouth keeps moving. How long was that? I just fucking talked for a while. I feel like, I don't know that I said anything, but I do know this. If you're still listening, that means you listen to all of it. And what does that say about you? Billy, you think you're blaming the victim? I always blame the victim. One of my favorite things to do in the world is punch down. You know, I just love watching other adults go, oh, all right, Dollar Shave Club, dude. You know, when I talk about Dollar Shave Club, I can't stress enough the quality of their products

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who do they got tonight? I think they both have like back-to-back games, which is fucking annoying. You know, don't they have any consideration for people that like both sports? I don't think they do. They got Philly tonight. All right. So guess what the fuck I'll be doing at five o'clock? Flip flopping back and forth between the two. All right. Oh, shit. What's his face? The free agent that we had, the guy from Atlanta. I can't remember. I can't remember. So I'm thinking Robert Ori, the greatest free agent of all fucking time. Who the fuck was his name? I love the guy. He was with the Celtics. He did a great fucking job. Philadelphia Sixers roster roster. The fuck's his name?

Al Horford. There you go. We get to play Al Horford. What a great pickup by the Sixers, huh? What if they're having a good season? I don't know. I don't have the fucking time. All right. That's it, everybody. Enjoy your weekend, your cunts. Please December 25th. Go see uncut gems. Adam Sandler's best movie and I've seen them all. All right. I'd never lie to you. Go check it out. Okay. I guarantee you're gonna love it. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend. Go Bruins. Go Celtics. Go Pets. I haven't laid a bomb because heaven's got a number one. She's spinning me around. Kissing is a color. A loving is a wild dog. She's got the look. She's got the look.

She's got the look. She's got the look. She's got the look. What in the world can make a brown-eyed girl some blue? When everything I'll ever do, I do it for you. And I go la la la la la. She's got the look. Hey, what's going on? How are you? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, December 12th, 2011. I am sweaty, roasting, baking, boiling. It's like a sauna. I'm fucking sick. You like my voice? Droid. I got fucking sick this week. Too much fucking traveling around. Too much flying all over the

place doing all this fucking bullshit. I don't know what I did. I fucking woke up, shook too many hands, scratched my nose, and here I sit. Hang on one second, everybody. Yeah. All right. That's fucking gross. You know, having a beard is awesome until you have a cold. I'm gonna leave it at that. Jesus fucking Christ. You know what's funny? I'm like achy. That's sort of achy sick, you know? It's just fucking. And I haven't even started my goddamn Christmas shopping, which is something I don't even know why I have to fucking do it. You know, Christmas is the most fucked up holiday on the face of the earth. I don't get what is it?

You know, can we make up our minds? Is it Jesus' birthday or is it the fucking, the fat guy coming down the chimney? You know, it's both. You know something? I gotta go with Jesus on Christmas. That's who I gotta go with. I like Jesus on Christmas. I like Jesus. I like him at Christmas time. I like Jesus. Because he's got the water and wine. I like Jesus. You know why? Because I don't have to buy any fucking gifts for that SOB. And he is an SOB. Right? Oh wait, he knew who his father was. His father who art in heaven. It's his father who is in heaven. You know, I'm not trying to nitpick our father who is in heaven. Big up to he. He's fucking kidding me. You know how fucking weird it is to be this sick living

in a desert. I want to thank everybody who came out to the Braille Improv this weekend. I had an awesome time out there. I apologize if I was a little bit grumpy. You know, I just said fucking traffic always gets me going out there. It always gets me. You know, it just kills me. Like I love living in Los Angeles until I get on those goddamn highways and then I feel unbelievably claustrophobic because I just feel like there's no fucking way out. Some shit went down. Where do I go? There's no way. There's nowhere to go. You know? I'll tell you where the apocalypse comes. I'm just going to get my jam jams. I'm going to put on a robe. You know, whenever whatever fucking angry person's going to come down from heaven because he's mad at me

because I rubbed one out to the merry chick down the block, you know, you think you're going to fucking scare me? All right, you will. But you think I'm going to fucking dress like I'm scared? You think I'm going to get on those fucking highways and do some feudal drive to where Vegas? The fuck am I going to go? I'm going to sit here in my fucking jam jams. I just like saying that. They fucking jam jams and I'm going to drink some tea. Like I'm doing right now. Oh, hello demon from another world. Do I not have enough fucking saintly frequent flyer miles to get upgraded into heaven? You know, I don't know what you're so fucking excited about. You're going down to hell with me. You cunt. You know, why don't we join forces and tack those up

in first class? What do you say? All right, so anyways, you know something what's so fucked up about the population problem in this world is we could just fucking deal with it right now in an easy way rather than go in the hard route. You know, just right now, let everybody have one kid. So you got that thing that half looks like you half looks like your wife and you'll be like, I've continued the bloodline. All right, then you want more kids just go out and adopt. There's plenty of fucking kids around the world sitting in a fucking mud hole trying to dig out a goddamn diamond so you can fucking pay $9 zillion for it and give it to you fucking broad on Christmas. You know, why don't you adopt one of those diamond digging sons of bitches

teaching the language little fucker go on the backyard will make you a fortune. You know, just digging it up. Little adopted kid dig it up. You know, why don't we do that? And then you just let some old people die and you let people fall off fucking ladders and all that type of shit in the population would gradually go drought down. No, everyone's just going to keep fucking, you know, having brand new kids. That's what they want. They want brand new kids. Nobody wants nobody wants to fucking use one. No one's to take a chance on a barn find, you know, some little kid, you know, with the original motor living up in the loft of a barn for the last 20 years. You know, matching numbers, you know what that then you teach him how to be a good kid,

little body off restoration, little rotisserie, right? Does anybody else watch the speed channel? Don't you love that fucking channel? I fucking love that channel. I love watching them taking cars that I like and they redo them. I don't like the custom shit. You know, I don't like when the outside looks like an old car and then the inside, you know, looks like a fucking rapper's foyer, you know, all leather and all everything's all I don't like it like that. I like it like that. Everything's reminded me of a song today. I like when they just when you I'm big on the fucking interior, which is why I never bought the Dodge Challenger. You know, the outside of that car is fucking it's beautiful. I love it. You know, I see it. My heart starts racing. One of my hands goes

into one of my pockets. I get I get arrested for lewd behavior with an inanimate object. I love it, but I get in the fucking thing. And I might as well be sitting in a Chrysler 300. I don't see what what the fucking deal is. What's the deal with going half ass on it? It looked like shit. Hang on. You know, it's the worst. When I get sick, when I bite into a York peppermint patty, when I get sick, everybody, we'll just throw that over there. When I get sick, what I do is I just act like I'm not sick and I just continue to do the shit that I that I normally do. You know, I don't run around. But you know, yesterday I'm fucking sick and Nia starts telling me that I got out, you know, you need you got to stay in bed the whole day and drink liquids. It's like, yeah, okay, I'm not doing

that. I have a cold. I don't have cancer. All right, I'm fucking you know what I mean? I can drink liquid laid on the couch watching football. She got so fucking mad at me. Because all my buddies call me on football Sunday, you know, because we gamble, we throw the money around just with each other, you know. So there's a lot of texting, there's a lot of shit talking and that type of stuff. And I got to get on the phone after a while and defend myself of one of my picks isn't coming through Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The fuck happened to those assholes yesterday, huh? I thought that was a win 14 nothing I was all set. I didn't even watch the game went in the kitchen I'm making an English muffin and I come back it's like fucking 70 to 14. So anyways, anyways, yeah, my friends just kept

calling me and I kept picking up the phone and I was talking shit. And she just kept glaring at me. You know, it really made me mad. You know, it's like what the fuck let me be sick how I want to be sick. You mad at me because I'm sick. No, I'm mad at you. Because you're an idiot. You're not doing the things you need to do to get better. I am doing the fuck I'm fucking sitting on I'm laying on the fucking couch. You know, what is the difference between me laying on the fucking couch watching television as opposed to laying in the fucking bedroom with nothing staring at the goddamn wall. You know, I'm going to start moaning when I'm in there. That's why I fucking people moan when they're you know, you don't have a fucking TV you start moaning. Oh, all right, you're miserable.

You get that fucking TV going. You forget you have a cold, especially with all these shit ass fucking calls this year. I swear to God, I don't even recognize the NFL anymore. You know, why is it illegal to cover a fucking wide receiver? Why are five guys going to break Dan Marino's yardage for the year record? You know, it's such fucking bullshit. I had the giants yesterday getting four and a half. Right? Eli Manning is the fucking man. All right, you know what he's like? He's like Serena and fucking Peyton Manning is like Venus. Venus came out early, right? And everybody's like, Oh, oh, shit. Look at Venus. Venus, you're gonna win everything, right?

Then what happened? All of a sudden Serena came out of fucking nowhere. Bam. She starts fucking winning. Eli Manning has way more come from behind wins than Peyton Manning does. I'm telling you, he does. And I would rather have the ball in his hands than Peyton's. You know, go ahead and argue. Go ahead and roll your eyes there stat boy. Come at me with all your fantasy football stats from games one through 16. Both of them had the ball in their hands with only a minute left in the Super Bowl. One drove down to victory, to glory, to legendary status. The other threw a pick six to lose the fucking Super Bowl. How many times this year? How many fucking times does Eli Manning have to win a game on the last drive to get some goddamn respect

in this fucking league? That guy is a beast. He's a fucking beast. Yeah, he doesn't throw as many fucking yards. Sure, he's not as funny in the commercials. But if you want wins, that's your man. That is your fucking man. I am totally sold on that motherfucker. Right? As opposed to Tony Romo. That's why, you know, that's why I picked the Giants yesterday. It's like, you know what? NFC East, it's got to be a close fucking game. It's going to come down to the wire. The ball is going to be in Eli's hand and Tony Romo's hand. You know, but because of the way they cover fucking receivers, they had the goddamn game one and they give up 50 yards on two fucking plays. I'm sick of it. That's stupid fucking prevent defense. The fact that you can't touch the fucking

receivers, they're making every quarterback out there look like they're John Elway look like they're fucking Joe Montana and these fucking guys. A lot of padded stats going on out there. That's all I'm saying. I'm sick of these fucking wide receivers getting treated like these goddamn diva whores on VH1. All right. And I don't think that we should go back to the Jack Tatum era where he would just sucker punch guys and wouldn't even play the fucking ball. You ever watch that guy's highlights? It's fucking ridiculous. Quarterbacks. I mean, the fucking wide receivers got his head turned around looking at the ball and he would just clock them in the head when they weren't looking kind of like that douche who

punched that big white boy there on the college basketball court. Total fucking sucker punch. But whose fault was that? I say it's the big white boys. The first thing you got to understand is when you're involved in one of those West Side Story beat it video deals in real life when fucking 10 psychos meet with 10 other psychos. The punch is never coming from whoever you're looking at in the fucking history of mobs meet. I bet if you went back to the Revolutionary War, that poor black dude, the first one to get shot, do you think that he was looking at the person who shot him? Of course he wasn't. It's probably some British guy on the other side. Hey, over here, mate. You, you with the, you with the tan over here. Somebody else shot him in the fucking gut.

That's how it works. You know, so in the words of what's his face from the old Tampa Bay warren sap and the words of warren sap, keep your head on a swivel. Give him that time when he knocked that dude out. He knocked that fucking guy out. Total fucking cheap shot. He just kept going, keep your head on a swivel. Keep your head on a swivel. He was right. Not saying what he did wasn't a piece of shit move, but you know, wasn't illegal. What the fuck am I talking about? I don't know. I can't even lay down. I'm so fucking congested. That's another thing too that everybody comes up to you, starts giving you pills when you're sick, you know, you walking around like Jim Morrison in 1968, people handing you acid and say, Hey, man, try this. This is gonna work. Right?

Fucking Alka's Seltzer cold medicine. I don't know. I just know it's all kicking the shit out of my liver. Give it a look at the color of Dayquil. How in God's name is that medicine? Like how the fuck is that good for you? I forget what your liver does, but it's basic. It's basically responsible. Your liver is like that tent city in Scarface. You know, just underneath the overpass, all these fucking scumbags, you know, when you take those fucking pills, that's where it goes. That's who has to process it. You know, I want my fucking chewing rights. You know, that's your liver. Little picture of Jimmy Carter right over your shoulder.

I just try to tough it out. That's what I do. I go old school. I get Kleenex. I drink a little bit of tea and I try to stay away from all that fucking horseshit. Unless I have shows. If I have shows, I drug myself up like Elvis in 1976. I need them, man. Come on. I ain't shit in three days. Give me some more. Do you know when they did the autopsy on him? A giant capsule came out of his ass. Do you realize that? It's still intact. It's unreal. I don't even know what I'm talking about this week, everybody. This week actually coming up, coming up this week, people, the redheaded fuckface tour just continues. I am going to Tempe, Arizona, you know, and I'm playing at the improv out there Friday and Saturday and I'm hanging around because Arizona, who I lost money on,

is, what the fuck, who are they playing? They're playing the Browns. Why is everything a song to me this week? That was I get around from the Beach Boys. You like that? Little song parodies. I'm going super hack with you guys. Hang on a second while I drink some organic throat coat tea. How gay does that drink sound? I always hate that. That's one of the few things in my writer. It's water and organic throat coat tea. This stuff is the shit, but there's just certain things that are just, you should just have a gay guy step in right as you go to order it, you know, like in the most flamboyantly stereotypical gay guy ever. You'd be like, yes, Bill, can we get anything for the show? Yeah, I just need some water and some and then

some guy steps in, gay guy. Organic throat coat tea. Right? That's like what I used to live in New York and I used to get that fucking tasty treat down the street. Coconut dream bar is what it was called and I just couldn't get myself to say it. I'd be like, let me get one of those coconut things and the person always be like, you mean the coconut dream bar? Yes, I do. That's exactly what I mean. Would you like us to heat it up and shove it in your ass? No, I'll take it at room temperature. Thank you. All right, here we go. Let's, uh, oh, let's get going here. All right, we're bringing this one back douchebag of the week. This guy says, I've been a long time listener have been to your last few standup shows in Seattle. All right, so right there,

once again, establishing credibility. Okay, he's a fan, both at work and I support you, you know, when you come out. So all right off the bat, he's setting this thing up like I have something that I can take away from you, you know, I can take my $8 off the table. They have freckle face. Um, anyways, he says, can you do us all a favor? Us. Now he's speaking for the group and cancel the dilemmas segment. These are both not funny and really stupid. My dilemma for you, would you rather listen to Bill Burr's dilemma dilemmas or realize you have lost your comedic talent? Cause you allowed idiots to take over your show. That's kind of a weird question. Would you rather listen to Bill Burr's dilemma or realize you've lost your comedic talent? Cause

Jesus Christ, dude. First of all, you're, you're the war. This is why your douchebag of the week, not cause you don't like dilemmas is because you did that classic thing that people do when they write a complaint letter is you act as though you just, you're, you're sitting in a room with 800 other fucking people and they're all going, Hey douchebag, write it for us cause we don't know how to. This is the only complaint I got about dilemmas. All right. So I don't know who the fuck you're speaking for. Are you trapped in a mine shaft with some fucking wireless internet? Is that what you're doing? Go fuck yourself, buddy. And in honor of you, it's time for dilemmas, dilemmas. All right. I haven't even read these fuckers yet, but you know,

that's what makes this segment so annoying to this guy. So I'm going to try to be extra unfunny during these. Hang on a second. Let me blow my nose. Well, maybe I should blow my nose during the middle of it to make it even more annoying. Cause God, what would I do without this douchebag listening to my podcast? Hey fuck head. Do you realize how many podcasts are out there? Why don't you go listen to those ones? If you're so fucking unhappy with this one. All right. And I don't need you coming to my shows. All right, you cunt. You and your 800 invisible friends can go fuck yourself. What do you think about that? Huh? Hang on a second. And another thing. All right. We're up to three clean X's, by the way. Okay. All right.

Dilemmas for the week. Go to the bathroom like a cat. Number one and number two in a dresser drawer sized cat box and have a butler empty it every day or go to the bathroom like a dog outside in the bushes and have a butler follow you around to pick it up and tell you that you're a good boy. Oh, that's no fight. It's no fight. That's second one. I do it outside. It's squat right down in the fucking bushes. I'm not shitting inside my house. That's why I hate cats. Aside from the fact that they act like stuck up cunts at a club, you know, who's never done accomplish anything other than looking good in life, you know, and they only come around when they fucking need something. The other reason why I don't like cats is they shit in the fucking house. Then I gotta

pick it up. I don't like that. They're not happy when I come home. There's just no, there's no give and take. You know what is when you have a cat, you're basically Robert De Niro's character in casino. That's what you are. You know, and your cat is Sharon Stone. She's fucking she's just there for the amenities. You're fucking cunt. Go OD and a goddamn red roof in. All right. So yeah, I would definitely outside. Who doesn't like being told they're a good boy? I get praise. What was last time anybody out there got praise after they took a dump? Wouldn't that be awesome? You know, I don't know. All right, let's plow ahead. Was that unfunny, sir? Did you not like that one? Was that not up to your comedy standards? Did you feel the rest of this podcast was funnier than

that? When I blew my nose before I went off on Jesus. Oh, all right, let's just blow ahead here. Number two, would you rather marry a stripper or have your daughter become one? I'd rather marry one. I'd rather marry one. You know, if my daughter becomes one, that's just complete failure as a parent. And in fact, that's what I think all those videos should be called that you see, you know, when you see on YouTube, when you got those girls doing those booty dances, you know, with the goddamn shorts up their ass, like it's always like so and so booty dancing, what it should be called is so and so complete failure as a parent or results of a complete failure as a parent. Absolutely. I would rather that's not fair to the kid. I would marry a stripper

and, you know, I would just I would just have fun with the stripper. I would just do whatever I could, you know, fuck her as she had one leg pointed west and one leg pointed east, you know, or north and south if she's standing up drinking coffee, you know, doing like one of those little ballet moves, I just bang it like that. And then yeah, then I have a kid and be like, listen, this is the secret in life, sweetheart, don't do anything that your mother did. Wouldn't she just become a stripper? Is that like a reality show that they haven't come up with yet daughters of strippers? Like what's her face? I think

Kurt Cobain's daughter is going to be all right, because her mother is such a fuck up that I think I probably just jinxed her. I probably just jinxed her. All right, number three, choose between attack by a bear or a lion on land and between attack by a shark or crocodile in the water. No fucking contest, dude, I would take a bear and bear or a lion. That's a quick death. That's a quick one that bear comes up with that bionic bitch slap. That's it. You fucking break your neck. You ever see a lion kill something? That's it. It's over. Like, and that's going after like major prey. And it just crushes your fucking windpipe. You're out in two seconds. You ever know the footage of what's his face? The gay lion tamer out there. The one who looked like

what's his face from night at the Roxbury. Jesus Christ, this fucking cold medicine. What the fuck is the guy's name there? Come on. What's the name of that guy? Chris Catan. That one, the gay Chris Catan. You ever see one that fucking that lion grabbed that dude and it was over in two seconds. He just went limp. I take that in a second as opposed to a fucking shark. You're sitting out there. Shark comes up. First thing it does is it bites into your leg to see if you're edible, right? Just takes a nice chunk out. Like he's doing some sort of wine testing with your fucking thigh meat. You know what else kills me is the fact you can't fucking see it. You know, your head's above the water and all the evil is just below it. You're sitting there,

and I think that you had still, you got that caveman DNA that would just be going off, that there was something in the area despite the fact that you couldn't see it. You'd be trying to lift your fucking legs up. I think the real dilemma here is between shark or crocodile. And I would have to go, I would have to go shark. I just feel like there, it's a cleaner death. You know, they got those ginsu knife teeth. They just come in like a tiger shark. It's just fucking over. You know, just a perfect fucking killing machine, as they said in Jaws. But like alligators and crocodiles, those fucking things, those are like those guys who aren't talented enough to be in the NFL, the NHL. So they just go out there and they try to blow

out guys' knees, you know? Alligators and crocodiles are like the Bill Romanowski's of fucking predators. You know, just that thing where they grab onto you. You know, what I like about a shark, you could just bite your leg off, a fucking alligator. They always seem to grab it and then they go into that roll and they just so slowly twist it off, you know, like you're some cooked chicken and they're trying to take the leg. This is getting fucking morbid. That's what I would choose. All right, what else we got here? Have a beautiful lady who stinks smelly breath, smelly ass, pussy, pits, hair, the works all stinking, or an ugly fat bitch who smells great. I'd go with the ugly fat girl who smells great. Absolutely. Because I could love her.

Or the other one who just smelled like shit but was beautiful and was probably carrying herself like a beautiful lady would annoy me after a while and I'd probably kill her. You know, why did you kill her? Because her fucking pussy stunk and she walked around like she was Giselle. Am I being charged with anything? Because if I am, I want a lawyer. Go fuck yourselves. Well, Mr. Burr, you really just already incriminated yourself. I don't care. You know, the prison will not smell as bad as her ass. Oh, is there anything worse than fucking cold tea? All right, here we go. Chimp first linebacker Bill, my friends and I frequently get in an argument over whether a world's a world's man competitor or NFL lineman could handle a chimp

in a fight. I know chimps can rip faces off and are 10 times the strength of a normal man, but a normal man is a tub of shit. I bet a linebacker could rip some faces off too. What do you think? Yeah, no contest. The chimp would fuck the dude up. Dude, chimps don't fight. I was gonna, I almost said fairly, chimps don't fight like people. They're not gonna, you know, you're gonna come out and touch gloves and they're gonna fuck it. Sorry, he's got a great jab. Watch out for its right. You know, that fucking thing is just gonna jump on you. Did I ever tell you that time that monkey stole my hotel keys? I was in Costa Rica. The fuck was I down in Costa Rica way out in the bush. You know, army ants took over my fucking little cabana and that type of shit. So they had

this pet monkey there. I was a monkey. I fucking hate monkeys. I never had a problem with chimps, but now that they rip people's faces off and their nuts and their feet off, I have a problem with them. I like gorillas and I like orangutans. I always thought I was Tang, T-A-N-G, but it's orangutan. I like those ones. They seem like they've seen it all. They got that vibe. They could just sit down and teach you about life, but those little monkey motherfuckers, I can't stand it, right? So for some dumb reason, because I'm white, I have to walk up to it. Hey, there's a fucking wild animal. Let me put myself in danger and I walk up to this thing and it fucking jumps on me. You know, and it's one of those, you know, remember that video, Shock the

Monkey? Remember the little monkey in that thing? It was one of those monkeys. Or the faces of death when they were fucking banging that monkey's head till it died, then they ate its brains. Remember that one? Yeah, it was one of those monkeys, right? This fucking thing jumped on me. And within half a second, it turned itself upside down, was hanging by its tail from my neck, reached in my pockets, grabbed my keys and ran back up a fucking tree. This all happened like within like 1.8 seconds. And my body reacts was like, what way, what, what, ah, fuck. So if this thing actually wanted to fuck you up, the thing's not going to come out, fucking bob it and weave it. It's going to be running around the room, jumping up off of shit. You're going to try to figure out where it is,

and it's just going to fucking land on your face. And that's going to be it. It's going to tear your face off, twist your foot off and rip your balls off. And no linebacker stands a fucking chance. Unless, you know what? What if they had on the equipment? Even then, they tear your fingers off. This is the amazing thing about how human beings survived. Is everything out there, as far as I can tell, is faster than us, for the most part. It is stronger than us. Faster and stronger. But for the simple fact that we were smarter, we were able to do all the horrific things that we've done with this nature, you know, with this nature, with this planet. You ever think about that shit? Football players beat the fuck out of the nerds,

all through grade school and high school. You know what happens? When the real deal goes down, the end of the day, those nerds become bankers, and those football players get enslaved. And there you sit in your house like a caged animal at the fucking zoo. And where's that banker? You don't even know what the fuck he looks like. All those Facebook cunts, that goddamn Steve Jobs, one of the most overrated human beings on the fucking planet. They win in the end. Intelligent wins. Oh, you know what that reminds me? Do you guys see Rolling Stone this week? They had like the hundred greatest guitarists of all time. You know, they got to do like shit like that, like every three weeks now, because nobody, nobody buys magazines anymore. So they always have to do like

those, you know, top sexiest tambourine players of 1986. They do one of those countdowns because it always causes arguments. But they had an article in there on, what do they call it, basically extremely gifted kids, and how there's really no programs out there for the extremely gifted. There's like one school in the country that actually caters to them at like a grade school level, you know, and it's kind of been viewed that skipping grades and all that is bad for the kids socially. And now they're realizing it's the complete opposites. These kids get fucking depressed because they go to school and everybody's so much fucking dumber than they are, you know, and their quest for knowledge fills their heart the way, you know,

you like pussy. They were talking about this one kid by the time he was four years old. He spoke like three different languages. He had gone through the entire periodic table and was really into rocks and minerals. So he goes out with all these regular moron kids who are going to basically end up working at a buffalo wild wings someday. And they're out there throwing rocks and stuff. And this kid's trying to tell them about the crystals that are in the rocks and how they were formed. And everybody was like, you're a stupid liar. No one is it. They're like throwing rocks. I was just thinking like he can't how he can't even fucking relate to anybody his own age and they get depressed and they don't want to be smart. And after a while they just go

coma toast. And if they stay in the environment too long, they can't even hold out a menial job in life. It's fucking unreal. And the entire time I was reading the article, just fascinated and laughing my ass off. And imagining this kid being that fucking smart. I mean, it's bad enough as a comedian to do a third show Saturday night in front of a bunch of goddamn drunks. You know, they mean the gap in intelligence there just for the simple fact that I'm sober is unbelievably annoying and it's full on fucking torture for an hour. And this kid has to live it every day six hours at school and the gap between him and those kids. I mean, that fucking kid couldn't even have a conversation with me without getting bored. Just sitting there. This fucking kid was

coming home. He's going to treat us like puppies. Christ, I could teach the fucking class. So I definitely recommend reading it. You know, it's funny is this kid, his parents just what they did was they just applied him had him take the he applied for college and he tested off the charts and they accepted them. And then they said, Oh, by the way, he's only like he's like 11 now. And they let him in. And this is the funny thing. One of the schools he went to was a Rappahoe community college in Colorado. And I performed at that school. And if you guys listen to me tell tell stories about some of the worst gigs I ever had. I always bring up a Rappahoe community college as a reference. Because I did a nooner

at that school in an area with three, three hallways met. A nooner is basically you do in the show at like 12 noon or one o'clock in the afternoon. It's fucking nightmare. All right, kids have no ideas. There's a show most of the time the show is held in like the cafeteria. You know, I'll tell you, I really got to be honest with you, the level of fucking humiliation that you have to go through to even get to where the fuck I'm at. It is a goddamn gauntlet of fucking. That's what it is. It's just one impossible humiliating fucking scenario after another. And then every once in a while there's like that, you know, like when Columbus saw a branch floating in the water so he knew he was getting the land,

you'd have a couple of good shows. So anyways, I'm fucking standing there three in this area with three hallways meet, they start the show in between classes, it's me and like six kids sitting there. And one of the people is like the person who booked the fucking show. And I'm 20 minutes into my act, standing next to this popcorn machine, just bombing, just bombing. And all of a sudden, this fucking bell goes off or whatever the fuck happened. And all the classes let out and all within two seconds, it was like a flash flood of like people all of a sudden, all the whole corridors were filled with people and they're just walking by looking at me with like this combination of like confusion and pity. And then they just started fucking heckling me and all I

could do was shit on the school for putting me in that situation. I just remembered the person booking the gig, everything that I would say she just be going, that's not true. That isn't true. This is a great school. And she was mad at me in the end. And I was so fucking furious. Got myself for taking the gig. And in her going like, how did you think that this was going to fucking work? You know, do you ever watch stand up on television? First of all, is it done during the middle of the day? Is the person standing in a fucking hallway? You know, you don't fuck that goddamn creative genius. If he's so fucking smart, if you get into a better goddamn school than a Rappahoe Community College, you don't fuck that issue. Alright, sorry, I just had a fucking anger

flashback. Alright, how to get how to get the girl advice, advice, dear Bill, how's it going? I'm 21 years old. I work with this girl who I would really like to go out with. The girl is 29 years old with a five year old. What the fuck? I'm 21 years old. I work with the girl who I would really like to go out with. You should just fuck her. I don't even need to read the rest of this. She's 29 and already has a five year old. What the fuck is wrong with you? You know what I mean? You're 21 years old, you're drafted in the first round and you're immediately going to the fourth round with somebody, you know, she's got a five year old kid that's like drafted a fucking running back already blew out his knee. What's wrong with you? Oh, he actually writes, I know

after it. Okay, so he knows. Alright, he goes, I can't help it though. We flirt all the time at work and seem to really connect. Everyone jokes that we're, we are going out and whenever confronted with the possibility from someone, this chick, she says nothing and laughs, but in a good way. So about two weeks ago, I eventually got the balls up to ask her out to go do something, but I think I went about it the wrong way. I switched the conversation over to sex. Your instincts are great, sir, but you're 21. So you're kind of fumbling through this. This is alright. He goes, I asked her a hypothetical question, which your response was something like, I would go over to your house and beat you up to which I said, why do you have to beat me up?

We could do other things. Jesus Christ, dude, what are you, butt head? We could do other things. I'm sorry, terrible impressions. She goes, she got the gist and the conversation went on for that, went on like that for another 10 minutes, getting nowhere. So just simply flirting about a week later with my confidence. Hi, I asked her out and she said something like, so when are we going out? Oh, I said, so when are we going out? Sorry, guys, I'm fucking this whole thing up. Let's regroup here. So anyways, everything goes great. A fuck a week later, I go up to I go, so what are we going out? She seems hesitant and she says, I don't know, where would we go? See, right now you already fucked up. This is how you fucked up. Alright, all you want to do

is fuck this girl. Okay, and rather than coming out and saying it, you danced around it. You know, you just got to come out and say it. You got to just tell them what your fucking intentions are. I'm not saying, listen, I want to fuck you. You know, you've got yourself halfway into you basically told her, hey, I'm going to take you out to a movie and make you feel like I really like you, that I'm going to fucking bang you and never call you again. You basically said that to her. So now she's sitting there. She's grilling you. Where are we going to go? And you were like, I don't know, we could go somewhere to eat. You could come over to my house. We could do anything you choose. See, this is the thing. You don't have any tact. You went from,

we could go out somewhere to eat. There should have been something else. There should have been something else. And then maybe you say your house, you don't go from something to go over to my house. You know, you basically, you're in leather face mode here. You just come and fly, you know, open in a panel door, coming in and just fucking dragging her in the back. You can't be like that. All right, so anyway, why don't I just finish this fucking thing and get to his question. I could never get a straight answer. So for the past week when I see her, I say, so where do you want to go? She replies every time. I don't know. It's really bumming me out. Now she seems to be less friendly every time I see her. Yeah, dude, because you keep fucking

tightening the noose around your neck. So is there something I could say to her that could get me straight, a straight answer or anything I could possibly do to just know where I stand with this girl? I would admit I'm very inexperienced with girls and I don't know how to really go about this. Isn't that great? So you admit that after I sit there and fucking trash you. Well, if you're still listening, if I haven't beaten you down creatively here, I think your move is, is you just stop asking her. Just stop asking her, continue to be really fucking friendly. And then, you know, wait for the Christmas party and try to banger then. I don't know. This is, this is what I would tell you. Just keep doing what you're doing.

Keep putting it out there and eventually through trial and error, you're gonna figure out what to do. All right. I don't know if you got the skills at this point to bring this one into the boat. I think it's already, it's off the hook. It's gone. I think you kind of heard her feelings. I think she, I think she actually liked you, liked you and she thought you felt the fucking same basically because you flirted too long and you got to know each other. So then, you know, because women are more developed emotionally when it comes to that. She actually went down more of a, a, I think I have feelings for this guy and right as she started giving into that, you know, she's 29, she's got a kid, maybe you're

going to be the knight in shining armor to get her out of that fucking single mother shit. You hit her with the, you know, we could get a tray of macaroni and hang out my bedroom, you know, right there. She's like, oh, another guy just trying to bang me. That's how I ended up with the five year old. So you got to understand, dude, she's already, she's already done this. You know, five years old, she was 24. She probably banged that Matthew McConaughey type character from days and confused. He fucking knocked her up and took her, took off, completely fucked her life. So she's a little gun shy. But at the end of the day, she is a human being and they do need affection and that type of thing. And women are down for just fucking,

if you present it in the proper way, which you haven't, I don't think in this one, you can what you got to do is yeah, I would don't whatever you do, don't stop talking to her, just be nice to her. Hey, how's it going? Blah, blah, blah, just don't fucking ask her out again and see if she makes a fucking move. If she makes a move. Oh, Jesus, this is like this point, how far down the shit hole you are. This is like trying to snip the right wire without having to think the device blow up in your face. Okay, let's, let's play the scenario. So then she comes to you and be like, Hey, you know, I thought we were going to go out. You never asked me anymore. Then you'd be like, Yeah,

well, I don't know. I just kind of got a vibe like I kind of turned you off or whatever. You know, and that's what you do. Be like, you know, you were right. You were right. Look, you're in a different situation than me. I'm just 21. I was just looking to have some fun and I realized that, that, you know, I shouldn't have done that blah, blah, blah. And maybe then she could be like, Well, I could have some fun. And then maybe you could go that route. You know, I don't know. I think your best bet is to try to get a drunk at the Christmas party. I don't fucking know. Why would you listen to me? Anyways, let's plow ahead here. Yeah, dude, let it go.

Let it go. Just rub one out before you go into work. So you just fucking totally chill. Just have that chill. Just come in there and fucking James Bond, you know, just totally relaxed. Hello, love, you know, whatever, maybe it'll happen. Plenty of fish in the sea. You know, plenty of fish in the sea. Okay. But in the meantime, dude, what the fuck? I lost the whole point of this. You're 21. She's 29. Who gives a fuck? You know, Jesus Christ, you know, it's actually you trying to land a 29 year old is really going to help you with fucking women your own age, because it's not nearly going to be as fucking difficult. I can tell you this, this is the best advice I love to give you with women. If they're drunk and they're drinking red wine, do not kiss them.

There's nothing worse than fucking Merlot breath. All right, take her home and just fucking bend her over. When she goes to kiss, she just grab a handful of her hair, you know, pull it, you just hold her, let her feel your power, but not be intimidated by it. You know, she'll feel safe and be fucking turned on all at the same time. You turn that bitch over, you bend her over, you mush her face right into your form and grill and you have at it, but no, no circumstances. You know, when that teeth, you know what makes your teeth look like when you're drinking red wine, it's just it's fucking horrific. Speaking of which, speaking of which, the the fucking YouTube video of the week, I'm going to warn you guys because it's the holiday season do be do be do it's going to leave

pop dick it up. You can't watch. Listen, the fucking this video is absolutely disgusting. This video in a weird way. If it was to be sold in a video store, which really don't exist anymore, it would be in the two girls, one cup section. All right, now it's not nearly as lewd as over the top. Disgusting is that video, but it is every bit is gross. It's two virgins kissing for the first time. They're both in their 20s. They're at a wedding and they go in for the kiss and I cannot fucking explain what it is that they're doing. First of all, I really hate watching people hardcore kiss. I hate it. I don't like it in movies. I don't like it in pornos. Pornos are movies, Bill. You know what I mean? Mainstream movies. I don't like it in pornos. I don't like it when I'm walking down

the street. I think it is fucking disgusting to watch two people good looking or not good looking to fucking have at it. It's fucking gross. Give yourself quick little smooch. That's it. But to sit there with your fucking tongues down, jam down each other's throats, it's the most fucking repulsive thing you could possibly do. Sorry. I don't know. So you compile that with the fact that these are two virgins and basically watching them go at it. Do you remember that movie Alien? Do you remember when its little mouth would come out of its big mouth? Just imagine two aliens kissing with that little mouth. That's what it looked like. They look like they were eating each other's faces. It's fucking,

the whole thing is fucking disgusting and the fact that they're in love so they're passionately kissing in this horrific way and totally fucking repressed and just the whole fucking thing and the fact that they got married. There's another way that just fucking freaks you out. It's the most disgusting video I've ever seen. So I'm warning you. So please do not complain to me. It's not my fault. I didn't make the video. I have warned you. Good luck. All right. Let's fucking plow ahead here. Loveless in Alaska. Loveless in Alaska. That sounds like a rip off of that Tom Hicks movie. Love the podcast and need some advice. I'm a 33 year old guy who lives in Fairbanks, Alaska. I did a gig up that way. Chilku Charlie's way back in the day. I think it was in June,

although I don't remember. Anyways, Alaska. You need your take on what the fuck I should do when it comes to being here. I moved up here with my girlfriend of four years. I got to hit pause, dude. I got to fucking clear out the fucking lines. You're not going to listen to this. Hold on. All right. I'm back. Sorry. What the fuck I should do up here in Fairbanks, Alaska. I moved up here with my girl of four years and got dumped about six months ago. Yeah, because you saw that dick up there. They have to fly women in up there. Yeah, dude. Alaska is basically the fucking, you ever see that movie, The Dirty Dozen? That's all those guys hanging there. Then that one night they bring in all those fucking whores. That's what Alaska's like. So anyways, he goes, I've been

up here solo. The bitch pieced out and I'm thoroughly convinced I'll remain single if I continue to reside in this shithole. Planet Hoth subarctic wasteland of horribly ugly chicks. The guy to girl ratio in Fairbanks, which with the military base is about 1.537 million to one. You probably think I am a whiny pussy, but now, by now, and are thinking I should just move the hell on. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. The problem is my job. I'm a firefighter paramedic here and absolutely love my job. But when I leave the guys at the station to go home, I feel like Luke Skywalker all stranded in the blizzard. I don't even have a ton ton to hack apart. But fuck, if it's not grinding on me, I don't drink and hate bars and fuck the websites. What do I do, Bill?

Well, you just basically walled yourself off. It's not like I can bounce back down to the lower 48. That's the states down here for you people never been to Alaska. That's what they call us down here, the lower 48. And pick up a gig like the one I have here. Please hit me with some advice. Love the show and hope you come back to Alaska sometime. Ah, dude, you got to get out there. You have to go to the bars. I would be on Facebook, you know, trying to fucking fly in some bitch from the Yukon territories. You got to work extra hard for this. I don't know what to tell you because you basically, my advice was obviously, well, why don't you get out of there? You know, they have fires in every other state. They have plenty of fires down here. You know, there's a bunch of gorgeous

women out here in Los Angeles. Just waiting for, you know how much they would love you if you came down here as a firefighter? How much more fucking interesting that is if you fucking went into one of these Hollywood bars and everybody there's an actor, director, producer, comedian or that bullshit come in, you're a firefighter, you're actually unbelievably interesting. Like, holy shit, a real person with a real job as opposed to us with our fucking phony jobs. I think you do all right down here. This is what I would do if I was you. I hit the bars. I hit the fucking social networks and I would get my resume together and I would send it out to all 48 states. You know, why don't you fucking just totally turn the tables and submit it to Hawaii? Why don't

you go live down there? Bang one of those gorgeous fucking Honolulu chicks. Oh, by the way, I did a gig out in Bray this weekend. And I believe it was the first show Saturday night. There was a chick in the front fucking row. All right, I thought she had on booty shorts. Somebody told me in the end that it was actually a really short skirt and she had on these fucking, you know, those riding boots like you just stepped off a fucking pony that these girls are wearing nowadays. She had those fucking things on. She was basically wearing the pretty woman outfit. She had these unbelievably fucking perfect thickness tan fucking thighs right in the front row. And she's with her guy. Okay. And I'm sitting there in my head going,

why the fuck with this guy? Let his girl dress like that and sit in the front row. Doesn't he know I'm going to be trying to look up her skirt and it's going to fuck up my show? I mean, I'm only a guy. What the fuck am I supposed to do it? The amount of energy I had to use during that show. And then my dick is just talking to me the whole show. Going, maybe this is one of these weird guys that want you to go fuck his girl. Yeah, maybe that's what it is, blah, blah, blah. Then I told a couple of off color jokes and I saw that she was a good girl, but she was dressed like a whore. I'm like, this girl's a fucking champ. God damn thoroughbred. And I don't know what the fucking point of that story was,

but it was absolute torture to not sit there and fucking look at her. And you know something, I was sitting there going, do I address it or do I not address it? And then I immediately started thinking about Patrice, my great friend who passed away and I was going, fuck man, he could have done a fucking hour on this shit. And you know what, I actually kind of stumbled in this, something I wasn't sure if I was going to bring it up if I could. But yeah, our great friend Patrice O'Neill passed away, man. We're all absolutely fucking devastated. And I'm going to try not to get emotional here, but he has a DVD called Elephant in the Room. Makes a great Christmas gift and it really helped out his mom. And he also has a new CD out

on iTunes called Mr. P. And if you guys could do me a huge favor, do you want to repay me for the podcast on any level? Could you please buy that man's work? Because I got to tell you, man, that guy, no joke, is the funniest fucking dude I ever met in my life and it's not even close. It's not even close. And you can't even, that dude was so funny, like even his standup work only just captures like a sliver of how fucking funny that guy was. That guy, I'm telling you, like him walking into a deli to buy a newspaper was funnier than most comedians I ever met. And it's just, it's just fucking awful. I'm still in shock that he's, he's not here anymore. And I don't know, when the time's right, I'll be telling some, some of his stories because

I'm telling you, I can tell you this, there's not going to be another one. And that's the thing that probably hurts the most is that there's no fucking way I'm ever going to meet someone like that again in my life. All right, okay, no crying on the podcast. Here we go. Plowing ahead. So if you guys could fucking do that for me, I would really appreciate it. Yeah. All right, so here we go. Push it down, Bill. Push it down. YouTube videos of the week. We got, we got a great one, the Thanksgiving. Am I really going to do YouTube videos after that? Whatever, we'll have them up in the fucking M.M. podcast. That's the podcast for this week. The MMPodcast.com, please visit that. And we have a donation button and all that, but I

fuck all of that just by Patrice O'Neill's work. Share it with other people because people really should know what a genius that guy was. One of a kind. And I'm going to miss them. All right, that's the podcast. I'll talk to you guys next week. See you. She's got the never was a quitter. No, no, no, no, no. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Surreal is where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties. Described as

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