Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-13-18

Episode Date: December 14, 2018

Bill sits down with Brian Regan.

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I did yell this time because I'm sitting across from a man who is currently setting the Guinness Book of World Records for podcasting in a day, promoting his new show on Netflix, Stand Up and Away, four episodes, debuting Christmas Eve. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest comedians I've ever seen in my life. Please welcome Mr. Brian Regan. Bill, how are you, man? I'm excellent. How are you, dude? I'm doing great. You look like you're about to eat a glaze over here. You're on the whole media tour, right? Did they get you? Did you do some morning TV?

Did you do any of that crap today? I haven't done morning TV. I'm not comfortable with those morning shows. I tend to love doing these with other comedians. Oh, okay. Good, good, good. You know, when it's not another comedian, I am so horrible at them. So where do you find your funny, Brian? Oh, boy. What can people expect from your show? Like if I'm doing a phone interview, like a radio, a phone radio interviewer, as soon as they say what can people expect? For people who aren't familiar with you, what can they expect from your show?

I know right away they're not familiar with you. The person asked me the question. Yes. And I just want to hang up. Like I just want the interview to be over at that moment. Is your show going to be the exact same thing I just watched on television? Yeah. That's another one. Did you write any new material? No, it's going to be the exact same shit. See, after I finally got a special, I then wanted to ruin it by boring people by doing the exact same stuff. Brian, in this, I'm going to ask you all hacky questions. In this current comedy climate, how do you find the altitude

to fly at with your current presentation of satire? You're not a fucking crazy. It's an insane world. It's in the same world right now. But anyways, tell me about your show. It's a hybrid, half stand up, half sketch, a lot of the older bits that I used to do years ago when I do my shows around the country. And people at the end of my show sometimes like to hear some of the older stuff. And I'm like, well, what can I do? Maybe I could do something with this. You like that good that you have like classic jokes? That's harder than a classic song. Yeah, I'm not going to use that word on myself, but it's nice of you to say that.

I'm just going to lay it on thick. The Johnny Cash. Well, it feels good that people still like to hear some of these routines. And I thought, well, maybe I can do something with them, but I don't want to just do the stand up. I mean, people don't know that. So I thought maybe if I do like a stand up bit and then that segues into some sketch or something like that. And Jerry Seinfeld got involved. Oh, there you go. He was the one who reached out and he's always been cool with me and said that he wanted to help spearhead me having a show. I mean, what better phone call is that in life?

That's a big phone call. You know, like you're on the phone going, look at these goosebumps. Yeah. I got goosebumps. Yeah, you know, it's funny when you said this, when you were describing your show, that's he's the first person I thought of, like Jerry would like this show. He was so, you know what was cool? He said that he had this idea. He didn't have the idea. He said he wanted me to have a show.

He said, let's get together sometime and see if we can talk about this. And I was like, you know, of course, you know, and he was performing in Las Vegas where I live. So I went to go meet him at his suite. They have suites in hotels that are like that I didn't know were possible, you know, like pianos and segues to get from one side to the other. I have to go to the bathroom. What kind of room is this, you know? So I go, we go meet and we chat and he said, yeah, you know, he thought that I was one of the comedians that should have a show, which was just a huge honor even hearing that.

And he said, well, you know, maybe we'll get together and talk about it sometime soon. And I said, well, I have an idea. And he goes, oh, OK, and I, I know he likes coffee. Right. So you mind if we order some coffee and we chat about it. So called room service, they brought up a pot of coffee. I pitched it to him in about three minutes, you know, and he goes, I like it. Let's do it.

And I got emotional. I swear to God, I started like I got a tear in my eye because it's show business doesn't work like that. But his show business does. Yes. Exactly. I knew when he said, yeah, yeah, let's do it. And then you do it. And we made $100 million.

I knew it was happening. I mean, I'm belittling all the work he does. But like he has like the whatever that is, like he knows when an idea is good. And then he goes, let's just do it. And then he does it. He does it way he wants to do it. Everybody responds. And then.

And I knew back the bank truck up. Exactly. Well, I mean, the money part isn't even that important to me. I mean, right now. But just his cloud. Your agent just slapped his forehead. There goes renegotiations. They're going to play this tape.

Way to still be down to earth, Brian. At some point, could you be a little bit of a diva? But I knew when he said he wanted to do it that it was going to happen. Who's going to say no to him? And I knew that he's the one shepherding this. Anyway, it was like really cool that that he's supporting this. Yeah, I would say I would say that would be a if you're going to go in with anybody, that would probably be something.

So he did for him. How long does it take you to shoot an episode? I'm fascinated with this aspect of it. Of the when do you get to go home aspect of show business? Well, there was a lot of writers meetings, you know, a bunch of weeks of that, you know, just coming up with the sketches. A lot of the sketch ideas I had already had. And then we shot the sketches.

Also, not every one of them is based on one of your older bits. Some of them are and some of them are newer ideas. None of the sketches are stand up done as a sketch. I didn't want to do that stand up. I love stand up and stand up should be stand up. You can't do the one where you want to do the cattle prod and the person who's just standing where they're supposed to be walking in the airport. That was one of my favorites.

I'd like to see something. Maybe that one. Maybe that one I'll do. Yeah. But I wanted the stand up to be stand up. And then I wanted some type of transition into a sketch. Sometimes it's a natural lead in. Sometimes you have to kind of like horseshoe it.

You know what I mean? And but that was part of the fun too is like manufacturing these segues and the sketches. So we shot all the sketches and then we shot all four episodes in two nights in front of a live audience where we would throw. I do stand up and then throw to the sketch. It's fucking perfect. Yeah. And in theory if you got 10 episodes you could be done by Wednesday for four and two.

You do a half day on Wednesday like they have a PTA meeting and then you're done. Yeah. It was cool. It was cool. And then you know the final night you know it was happened to be my birthday and had a big birthday celebration after that. So it was like a nice it was a cool experience. That's awesome.

Well my next next time I do a TV show I don't think I'm going to do animation again. I tried that. I thought I was being so smart. I love my show. I love doing the show but it's just like there's always you know you know every yeah I shot the episode in three days. I'm like Jesus Christ takes us a fucking year to get this thing done. So any who's some of the cast members anybody I know.

I didn't want a normal cast. Cast per sketch. You know so it isn't like there's a from Isis. How against the grain did you did you did you cast here. I want it like if it was a particular sketch where you had three characters we would cast for that particular episode or that particular sketch you know I didn't want like a like a mad TV or you know kind of thing people yeah whoever services the thing you know okay and so there's some obscure people but they were all great soon did not be obscure when

this thing debuts like I said earlier four episodes on Netflix Christmas Eve so you're Florida guy right yeah what can people expect from a Florida guy with a sketch show. Sorry I just love those questions. What do you think about our current president is that crazy I bet you get a lot of a lot of material out of that. I also hate in a social situation when you meet somebody who just finds out you're a comedian and like every single thing that said they have to throw in I bet this is going to end up in your routine.

You should talk about this. You know somebody has a chip and they put some you know some guacamole on it and it falls on the table and I bet that's going to end up in your act. No they're in front of you in the buffet line. Don't put this in your act. Yeah you should try to avoid bombing. My job is to entertain. I mean I might put this in the act because now we are we're actually they're actually

we're putting it in the act. You described the guac following up the chip. You know what I want more of I want more celebrities celebrities if I can say the word telling me about their political opinions. I can't get enough of it you know because I'm very unsure on what I think about the world and which way I'm going to vote and then all of a sudden the the sixth lead on a sitcom you know informs me about finning or something and I'm like oh okay that's that's how that's how I need to think about that.

I want to see the flip. I want to see an inauguration ceremony for a congressman and during his swearing in he says who should have won for wardrobe design in a movie you know. Yeah criticize some. Yeah criticize the wardrobe winners you know which of course is absurd but. Yeah I know it's a weird it's a weird time and you know I've never felt I don't feel old you know I just feel I just feel like it started with the music I didn't know what people were listening to I didn't know what the popular bands was and then I started to not know who

the players were playing sports and now it's like yeah I don't know the words you know. I don't know the words I'm not that bad I just I just I I don't agree with it. When the Academy Awards come out the it used to be I had seen all of the movies that are up for best picture then it was like oh I didn't see that one then it was like I saw a couple of them right and then it got now it's gone to the point where I've never even heard of any of them. Yeah I've never even heard of them. Yeah I haven't even heard of them.

Well now there's so much stuff to watch you heard they just got rid of another Oscar host. Yeah I mean only he trips somebody in like outdoor recess at like in 1983. Oh that was it and that was some sort of. In kindergarten right. Yeah VHS footage. It was a kindergarten thing. Yeah it's over.

Yeah. I don't blame him. I don't blame him because that was a mistake. You know it was a mistake that he made in his past. Yeah and tripping is never cool. That should be. I don't care how many times you apologize for it. It's never cool.

No I think all I think all mistakes in life should disqualify everyone from any future endeavors. If you're a human. Yes yes no mistake should be allowed for in the human condition. Only perfect people. Perfect people. Should host award shows. Perfect people should win Heisman trophies.

They should. Yes. Host award shows. Perfect people like us. Perfect people like us. So I want to. I feel bad for younger kids now because so much of their shit is like on video and just they're going to be fucked.

The amount of the population that won't be able to run for any sort of office. I just wonder you know there's always pendulums and everything. And right now the pendulum is over to people want to. Is it pendulum or pendulum. You might be right. I don't know. Anybody. Geez.

Aron. Pendulum. Pendulum. Oh. I'm getting the nod that I'm right. Look at that. Look at that. For once.

Pendulum. Well it's. Pendulum. Pendulum. Pendulum. Well there. Did you go to Ponce de Leon high school. I went to pendulum high school.

I went to pendulum high. Fountain of youth. Junior high. I went to Christopher Columbus high school. Of course you did. Talk about you know politically incorrect in today's world you know. Another guy. I don't understand where like where all of that new evidence came.

If he did all of that shit. What did he write it all down. He tweeted it. He tweeted. Oh they went back and he was tweeting. They went back to his tweets. Dude you gotta do a sketch about that. Christopher Columbus they go back in eh you know.

He was on the Santa Maria you know and it's a lot of time going from Spain or wherever they left from over to the new world. So he would just sit back in his cabin and tweet. Incredible Wi-Fi's. He went across the ocean. So anyway I went to Columbus high school. I forget the point of I forget the question and what my answer is. I don't know but I'm enjoying it.

Alright. Good. Any time you can talk about Columbus tweeting. When he should be captain of the ship on the Santa Maria. That's actually a great premise. Like how quickly would Hitler get kicked off at Twitter the second he got on. Hitler you said queer. You can't say that.

That's a great sketch all these people. And then he gotta have like you know Mother Teresa when she was young something she did. I don't know. Who knows. Anyways what's your are you still a college football guy. What was your deal. I played college football. That's what it was.

A small school division three. So it was sort of like a school Heidelberg College in Tiffin Ohio. Loved my years there just you know Midwestern school just like if you were to film a movie on a Midwestern campus this is the perfect place. You know just a thousand students everybody knew each other and. Future Supreme Court justices. You said right. Yeah right.

Right. It was a perfect time but was it underneath. What was happening. So I played football there. Love that. I actually tried out for a semi pro football team. Whatever happened to those leagues by the way the AFA. I'm sure you've heard of that.

No nobody has the American Football Association. Okay. And they had a they were forming this new league. So there was a team going to form an Orlando called the Orlando Americans. They were going to play in the tangerine bowl. Nice. A buddy of mine went up and tried out and they invited him to camp. He's a quarterback.

He played at Notre Dame and he said Regan you should go up there and try out as a receiver. I played receiver in college and I'm like that was out of shape. You know it was like a year and a half after college. He goes no the talent up there is the kind that you could fit in. So I went up and tried out of this big mass try out and invited me to camp. Wow. They invited me to camp. They brought nine receivers into camp but then we had to try out from there.

They were only going to keep three receivers. They had like a skeletal squat like two starters and one backup you know. And they cut down to five. I was one of the five. I was one of the five left. Nice. And then they I had I did a post corner pattern and threw my hip out and I don't think I would have made it anyway. But they cut me.

Cut me. I'm just picturing you running in your stand up crouch. I think that's why you threw your hip up. Yeah. What year was that? How old was I? How old were you I should say? Well I was like 20.

No. Yeah I was probably 22. 22. Already two out of shape. Yeah. That's how competitive it is. Right. No no I meant that as like a compliment to athletes.

I had a I think I had a cousin. I played a little semi pro football. Does those leagues still exist? I'm actually an actual way into it. I feel like it's the CFL or you walk on and you know that's it like as far as getting into the after college to try and get into the NFL. I figure you either going to stand out at the CFL and even then that's a long shot or you just try to get a walk on right after college. Well I had no aspirations of making it in the NFL. Zero.

But the fact that my buddy thought I could make this one team. I thought well this could be a good experience for a year too if I could get on the team. All right. And no that particular league doesn't exist anymore. So what exactly did you do to your hip? I did a post corner pattern. You know you cut 45 degree angle and then cut back out. I had these hip pads that were too tight and I just remember feeling like a sproing.

Oh no. What was it? I have no idea. Like I didn't have money to go to a doctor or anything like that. I just couldn't walk. Kind of hard to make a team when you can't walk. So you just waited for that feeling to go away and then you just sort of continued on with your life. It still hurts.

It still hurts. My knee hurts from football. You know. When I was in college I had a knee thing and they would shoot me up with cortisone for the games because we had to keep this O and H streak going. You know what I mean? They would shoot me up with cortisone. It was amazing because the pain was so intense when they didn't shoot me up. Like I could barely walk and then they would shoot me up before the games and I'm on a field running around like a deer.

You know. Like I felt like Bambi. Like but while I'm running I'm practically hearing crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch. Just twisting my knee up. You know. And I finally quit. I quit college because of the knee. I was worried that I was going to do permanent damage to it.

Did you? I mean it still hurts. A little bit here and there but. Yeah. Yeah. You want to those weather guys? Knee starts acting up. You're like there's going to be a twister.

That's my hip. It's going to be a cold front. I can tell asteroids when an asteroid is coming. Oh really? That's interesting. Is that your hip or your knee? My hip is like if there's an incoming asteroid and my knee lets me know if there's an earthquake coming. Those are good ones.

I'm wired bizarre. You know what? I think here at All Things Comedy we could cut a side deal with the weather channel. You know. Let's just cut over to Regan. Anything hurting? The Regan report. I tell you what.

Oh. Oh. I feel a magnitude six coming on. You know. I really resent. Two channels that I used to actually enjoy was the Weather Channel. I actually used to like watching it for some stupid reason and the Discovery Channel and both of them you know. I don't know.

I don't know what they did. I don't like how the you know the Discovery Channel further like makes sharks look out like they're just inherently mean things. You know with all this shit going on. Like they always sit there and whenever you watch you know something on sharks they're always telling you know people is a misconception about them. But then the whole way they sell Shark Week is that Jaws vibe. Right. You know they put a ski mask on them and stuff. They always they've been typecast.

And I would think with all this progressive talk out there that someone would speak up for them. And then the Weather Channel they went the way of the food network. Well they used to just tell you what the weather was and they'd have some weirdo. And now it's like all personality driven and they got to make it sound like Jesus is going to show up every time it fucking rains. Those are my issues. Those are the things that keep me up. I feel that about CNN headline news not regular CNN CNN headline news used to be 30 minutes of just news with the most middle of the road news anchor. Right.

And I'm like this is the way it's supposed to be just a guy just telling you nice and straight what's going on. And now it's personality driven. Yeah. Just like you're talking about these other jokes. Angry people. Hot chicks. This person. That person.

Yeah. I saw one the other night the local LA news here and they teased this for a half an hour. A guy got cut off on a motorcycle and went over his handlebars on the highway. Got a couple of bumps and bruises but was fine. Right. But he filmed it. He had a little camera on top of his head. So they just kept filming the footage on the five south.

Mayhem happens. It's this guy's splitting lanes. I mean it's legal out here but that's what he's doing. And the guy just went you know the guy with the changed lanes didn't see him. He hit went up and over. They're like yeah after he teased it the whole fucking like this. This is an actual news. Right.

Right. If you ride a motorcycle in LA you could probably going to go down at some point and he didn't even get fucking hurt. If he died I'd be like wow all right. But it wasn't. It was like it was like the first draft of a script. But it's like you got to raise the stakes. Can he go over the handlebars into the oncoming traffic. Can we get some of that.

But the whole thing and it just led for 20 minutes they teased it and then I finally see the footage that I already been watching. They didn't have any more footage and then they interviewed him and they're like how do you feel. He's like yeah you know I'm all right. I guess it was news because the guy who hit him walked up to him said are you OK. And he said yes. And then he got in the car and peeled away. So they had his face looking at him. You know.

So I guess that I guess that was the news aspect like whether it was a hit and run. Like he didn't care enough. The guy who hit him. Well he took off. Yeah. I think he did plenty. He got out. He got out.

He said you are. The mistake he made is he peeled away. That indicates guilt. What he should have done was just signaled and got back on the highway and just like I thought it was fine. I got out. I asked him. I knew he had the GoPro on. I knew I was on camera so I didn't do anything wrong.

He had a helmet on. I should be his defense attorney. I didn't have a helmet. I was fine. I figured he'd be fine too. Look at the side of my car. I was out here in LA one time watching the local news. They said we have breaking news.

Right. And they had helicopter footage of a home whose the garage was on fire. And I'm like the only person that would possibly give a damn about this garage being on fire is the guy who lives in that house. Yeah. Talk about a target audience. Nobody else would care about that garage being on fire. Yet it was breaking news.

Well it used to be when I lived out here in the 90s. I remember I was just like this news out here is a fucking joke. And then somewhere along the line national news caught up to what they were doing out here in LA. Because when I kind of stopped. I don't know if this is probably a bad thing. But I kind of stopped watching the shit like at least seven years ago. Like right now I'm trying to remember the name of the vice president. And the first one that I thought was Joe Biden but that was the last one.

Mike Pence. Mike Pence. Yeah. Okay. See that. I mean that's literally the backup quarterback to the United States. I don't know his fucking name. I can understand not knowing the secretary of defense, the treasurer.

I don't know if I know those. The coordinator of. Because they keep changing in the current administration. So it is hard to keep up. But usually when they when they ride four years I can remember them all. Oh is that what is that? I don't I don't I don't pretend enough. All right.

So what else can we talk about here? Anything anything else you want to promote? You got some stand updates coming up. I'm in a I'm in a I get to wear the actors hat in a show called louder milk. The fairer milk. Fairly brothers. Peter Fairly. They did Dumb and Dumber and all that.

They've done some things. Yeah. Well huge. They're like the funniest fucking people ever. Well Peter Fairly and a guy named Bobby Mort created a show called louder milk. It's about substance abuse. Dark comedy. It's on direct TV's audience network.

We just got picked up for our third season. I play a guy recovering from substance abuse and I love it. I never did a never had an opportunity to do a lot of acting and sounds great. I it's just so much fun. What is your character addicted to alcohol? Quailudes the whole thing had a big family and had a falling out with his family and the whole thing and but it's funny but serious and funny. Mostly funny.

And Ron Livingston plays the main dude. And it's like. Yeah. And it's like a group discussion thing, you know, like an AA meeting, but it's about people's. I have direct TV. How can I see this? It's on the audience network every Tuesday night.

Audience network. So is that somewhere in my thing? If you have direct TV, you should have the audience network. It's just a channel on there. What channel? I think 239. 239. What?

500? 500. Jesus Christ, you weren't even close. Three seasons on this fucking thing. You don't even know what channel you're on? I know. It's on 239 where I live. Is it on 500 as well?

Oh, I don't know. But on the bus, it's 500. All right. So if you're in a house, it's 239 because the channels are the same with direct TV. That's what I like because I haven't direct TV. You go on the road. I like going to the hotel. I already know ESPN is going to be 206, 207, 208.

You know, the redhead channel is 798. I get the ginger report and see if it's okay to go outside that day. Jesus Christ, you're playing everything close to the vest. What else you got going on? I had to talk to you for like a fucking half hour before I find out you're on a third season of a show. That's all right. I don't know about it.

You know, it's an obscure, it's hard. A lot of people haven't seen it yet, but it's getting a lot of good buzz and starting to get some traction. Don't you feel like you almost have to do three seasons of a show now just for the general population to know that it exists? It's amazing to me. I mean, when I started in this business, if I would have thought that I would be on a TV show that my friends don't even know about, and I'm not exaggerating.

I have friends who go, oh, really, you're on a show? My parents have never seen the show that I'm on. It's a simple fact they can't figure out Netflix. Like they came from an age you just walked up, you just pulled the knob, turned on the TV, four, five, or seven. What do you want to watch? So they're not going to sit there. I got to do what?

And then they got to type in and search. Like they're just going to be, I'm not fucking doing that. They are old schools. So I actually talked to somebody, I've told this story before. I was talking to another comedian and I was telling her how much I liked her show. She was taking, oh, that's great. We talked for 10 minutes before she realized the show I was talking about had already been canceled.

And she thought I was talking about a different TV show that she was on that I had never heard of. That's crazy. And then I told her that I had a TV show and she had never heard of that. And I was like, do you understand how fucked, I could see if we both worked at a lumberyard or one of us did, but we're both in this business. You're like shooting bullets and you don't even know what you're aiming at. And we're both on beyond the first season.

So there is some sort of success to both the shows that we're on and we still haven't heard about them. Wow. Anyways, where are you going to be? I saw, I had an embarrassing moment with Colin Quinn, his show Tough Crowd. And, you know, I saw him at a charity event or something like that and said, hey, man, you don't know, I'm loving you on Tough Crowd. And he said it's been off the air for like four years, you know.

Oh, God. You just feel so stupid, you know. That was the conversation, first conversation I ever had with Colin Quinn. There was a movie out that he was getting credit for writing. Oh, my God, what the fuck was it called? It was the one with Damon Waynes and the Celtic, Celtic Pride. Okay. I met him at my first comics come home and we're literally out in front of the crowd.

I can't believe I worked with Colin Quinn, Dennis Leary and all of these guys. The crowd's doing a standing ovation fucking Cam Neely standing there. I'm like three years into the business. Right. I can't believe I'm a part of this. And I see Colin and I'm like, oh my God, that's Colin Quinn from remote control SNL. And I'm like, what do I say to this guy? So I, and I was just, oh, because I auditioned for the movie.

So I lied and said I saw it because I didn't see it. I said, hey, man, I really enjoyed Celtic Pride. And he goes, I don't write that piece of shit. They took that away from us. I was like, oh my God, I said the exact wrong thing. That's what I get for trying to kiss ass. And I made a mental note to never tell somebody that I saw a movie that didn't see again. And I've broken that.

You have to in this business. You have to do it. Speaking of golf, golfing, did you say you were golfing with, right? With Colin? We met or you met him on a golf chair? No, no, no, no. At a charity show. That's where I saw him.

Jesus. I'm so fucking burnt out. I can't even listen to my goddamn guests. Well, you, you, you do a, you do a golf. I got to go, I got to go on this thing. When is this thing going to be? Oh man. Every year, Brian comes up to me and goes, dude, you got to go on this, this three day.

It's like, it's like a spa, right? Yeah. You're sober up. Right. You chill out. Right. And we golf. Probiotics.

We do hot yoga. We go back. We have a, we do hot yoga. Get that hip aligned again. And a lot of meditating. Yes. A lot of meditating. And it's just so, it's so good for all, all the fellas to get together and do that.

Yeah. So when do you got to be involved? When is the next one? Probably May, but yeah. I'd love to have you involved, man. I always feel like whenever I run into you, the, the few times that I go on the wagon, I, I, then that's when I run into you. I last time I boozed with you was, was in New York and that was that time it was, it was,

it wasn't just the guys. It was men and women. So they picked like this fancy fucking place and that waiter came over and you, you ordered like a Budweiser or something. Like, like, I'm sorry, Missy. We did not have it. Oh, we have it. And you just staring at him, waiting for him to finish.

You're like, is that a beer? The guy's like, we miss you. And you're like, okay, I'll have one of those. What I love, you weren't even trying to be funny. You were looking at this guy like, is there going to be a fucking test at the end of this? And then I saw you more recently at that bar in New York and you weren't, you weren't having cocktails at the time. And then I felt guilty.

I'm like, I'm like six in here. No, every once in a while, I just, I, you know, I shut it down for a little while. I'm going to hopefully shoot another special coming up soon. And I just don't want to go through the whole, fuck, I got to drop, you know, 20 pounds of pizza and beer. I don't feel like doing that this time around. So I'm also doing it during the holidays. So my game plan is I'll be three weeks in on Saturday.

I'm taking one night off, which is dangerous for me because I'm a big binge drinker. You know what I mean? I'm goal oriented. You know, I see a bottle. I want to finish it, right? Not one of these, these, these half-assed people that leave sync in the dish dishes in the sink. Sorry.

Can you speak? No. So I'm going to make a dinner for my wife and then I'm going to, we're going to drink a split of bottle of wine. There you go. And then the game plan is to immediately go back on the wagon. However, one of my buddies from New York is also in town and he said, Hey, let's hang out on Sunday or maybe Sunday and Monday.

And this is what happens. Then it becomes Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. Right? The next thing you know. I love, I think we chatted about this in the past. I get my work done. You know, I work hard on what I do and I put my nose to the grindstone. You know what I mean?

You're giving me the classic, I work hard, play hard. You guys can see the hand movement. Trump's got to get this one down. It's like the thumb and index finger, everything else is lined up and then the pinky's up. Like a little teacup. But when I, I'm going to go out, you know, like, and I'm safe about it, car service, the whole thing, guys together, you know, getting ballistic. I like those moments or those evenings.

Yeah. And it's not good. No, no, no. I love those months. Yeah. You know, when you get lit up. Half the year. I hate the winter.

I don't want to remember it. That's right. I want to be warm. That's what hibernation is all about. Yeah. So it's probably not a good message for people out there, but everybody has to have the advice. They've got a fucking problem with it.

It's like, Jesus Christ. That's my advice. Yeah. That's my advice. Yeah. That is mine too. I'm going to go out for a couple of months and then I slowly start back up again. And then when I just, I just feel like it's getting out of control of like, I'm just,

you know, I'm just living too much of a, you know, I don't know, just too much of a slothful because what happens is everything goes off the rails. It's not just, okay, I'm having too many cocktails. It's like I'm also eating a steak and cheese. You want to fry a side salad? I'll take the fries. Well done. I start doing that shit.

So, you know, every once in a while, I sort of dial it back and I dial it back and I get eight hours sleep and I'm just sort of, I like it in the morning, but the rest of the day, I'm sad. So you like waking up like having not drank the night before and go ahead. It's not my good. It's not my good. You know, got eight hours sleep. Nobody to apologize to, but then, you know, once after breakfast, man, it's just really

like the gloom. All right, man. Next off weekend, you're in. Yeah, I'm definitely in for that. Well, you're in Vegas, right? Is it going to be out there? I don't know if I could do. I don't think it's a good idea.

No, it'll be in Florida. This next one's in Florida. We do it in a different place every year. Jesus Christ. I had to pick the year. It's all over the other side of the fucking country. I'm going to, we'll spring for a private jet for you. Can you, no, can you just book me at Magellan's fucking comedy club?

Every comedy club down there always seems to be like, you know, the Captain Hook. The barge. The body. Yeah. Whatever the fuck else, the tugboat Tommy's tugboat Tommy's and down in Boca Raton. That's funny. It's that guy from the Florida Keys. He books.

He books almost to Cuba. Comedy club, whatever. All right. Sorry. I'm sitting here reading, trying to make dumb jokes. All right. So stand up in a way. Four episodes.

Netflix, Christmas Eve. Are you, are you going to be celebrating holidays or anything like that? New Year's Eve. I'm performing. Finally, I get you to fucking plug a date. What, how does it take me 20 minutes? He just told me, because I didn't plug him on any other thing. He said, you know, if there's an opportunity, this is Dave, my tour guy, smart guy.

He said, you know, part of this is plugging things. He didn't say it that way. He goes, if you can plug your New Year's Eve date. So here I am, here I am smoothly plugging my New Year's Eve date. Chicago, the Chicago theater, New Year's Eve. That's tremendous. But that I'm not bringing in the new year. I'm not on stage doing the countdown.

I was, what time's your show? Eight o'clock. It'll be over, you know, like 9 30 and 45, but I want people in Chicago knowing that like you come to the show and then you go to a party and have fun. I'm not going, you know, it is such a letdown. I've done those. And then you got to come out and there's like a DJ still spinning or they want you to keep doing your fucking jokes.

No, I can't, I can't, I can't be an emcee to the countdown and they've already shut off the bar. So everybody's just standing there, sort of starting to sober up. You're like, all right, everybody, ten, nine, and then it's just over. They're like, all right, get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Union rules. I worked this many years at this job so I can count from 10 to zero backwards.

You know, I've done that so many fucking, oh my God, all those years are doing that. I don't even work New Year's anymore. I work a couple extra in November and December and then I just, I take that night off. So I'm going to take my wife out is what I'm going to do. There you go. She doesn't know that yet. Because I usually. Surprise.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what I'm going to do. All right. So that's it, everybody. Brian Regan, everybody. By the way, dude, you were such a huge influence on me.

You're one of the greatest comics I've ever seen. And just decade after decade, just still in, you know, the upper echelon, everybody always brings you up when they go the best guys ever, the best fucking albums and all of that stuff. So if you're in the Chicago area, New Year's Eve, it's an eight o'clock show. He's not doing the countdown. So get some friends to hang, you know, go to the show and then afterwards pick a bar. And last time, stand up and away four episodes, Netflix Christmas Eve. Hey, before you wrap up, I have to say, I think you're a genius.

I think you're wonderful at what you do when you throw me a compliment that way. It means the world to me. I love watching your craft and how much you put into it. You have a wonderful comedic mind. So that compliment coming from you means the world to me. Thank you. And you said that perfectly just the way I wrote it out. I love you, brother.

All right, man. Happy New Year and Merry Christmas. And we will golf and make a right. All right. Let's do the little bit of advertising here. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees.

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If you went to the doctor or a pharmacy, go to forhyms.com slash burred. That's forhyms.com, f-o-r-h-i-m-s.com slash burred, E-D, capital E-D, all right, no space between bur and E-D. Forhyms.com slash burred. All right, now listen to a little bit of music and we got another half hour of Grace hits from it from some Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from early this year or possibly even five years ago. All right, now listen to a little bit of music and we got another half hour of Grace

hits from Monday morning podcast from Monday morning podcast from Monday morning podcast for Monday, December 13th, 2010. How the hell are you? I've had that fucking song in my head. I heard it on the radio and like the grocery store, you know, I was growing going in there to go buy a ham, some glazed. You know, gelatinous shit, right? And I was in there and there was this song on the on the speakers there in the ceiling

of the grocery store that I just mentioned I was at. If you forgot already, you know, and I'm driving around. I got this big fucking ham sitting in my grocery cart and through the speakers is just this guy. It sounded like it was from maybe the fifties. You know, it's the holiday season do be do be do. I can't remember if you went do be do be do or that's just how I remember hearing it. I'm trying to give you more lyrics because I got to know the name of this song because

I want to download it. I want to drive around LA in 80 degree weather on Christmas, you know, with a stupid look on my face listening to that song. How the rest of it go? It's the holiday season do be do be do and just take a kitty kitty in your cunt. Something like that. I can't remember. You know, that is, you know, when that, you know, the, the, uh, what is it when that they

do that thing where, uh, know that that elevator music from the 1950s where they actually took like sort of like blues progression and I don't know what they did to it. So it's almost like still has like the, maybe that's more swing and you fucking stick it in your cunt. Something like that. But obviously it's a lot more, uh, has a lot more family values to it, whatever. It's the holiday season. So please for the love of God.

So I'll stop singing this fucking song, somebody, somebody, let me know what the name of that song is. Okay. And before I forget, which I don't know how I would, all right, um, you know, we do underrated overrated every week. You guys remember that from the last three fucking years and we're doing it just about every Monday. I got one for you underrated the black crows underrated despite the fact that they're selling

out these huge venues, they're still underrated. I went to go see them, uh, Saturday night, I say, as they say in Boston, it's amazing. They actually take that word that has so many consonants and they remove all of them like a cancer. When you're going to come on, come over, say, um, Saturday night at the palladium, the same place where Richard prior taped live on the sunset strip, I went down and I saw the black crows play truth and salvage company opening up and the black crows played three hours people, three hours, hour and a half acoustic set.

And then they take a break like fucking barely 12 minutes and they come back out again. Basically after kicking the shit out of the crowd for an hour and a half, they take a 12 minute break, right? Just to go back, you know, have a cigarette and a little shot of Gatorade and they go right back out again and kick the shit out of the crowd for another hour and a half. Uh, it's easily the best show I've seen in like 10, 12 years and, um, I don't, I just go see them. They're up in San Francisco.

If you're in the area, they're playing the Fillmore all this, uh, all this week and, uh, they were unbelievable. And the greatest thing that I liked about it was everything that you were hearing was being produced by human beings, the humans that were on the stage as opposed to all this other shit that you go to see. Now I'm not saying these people aren't talented, but you know, I've been flipping through the channels like an old man, you know, four fingers inside the fucking waistband of my pajamas.

You know, the guy, you know, the fucking was that married with children just sitting there. You know, you got to remote the other hand clicking through and you see like, like, uh, you know, these little pop tarts, even a guy like usher who's tremendously talented, the singing, the dancing and all that shit. You're hearing all of these instruments that are not on the fucking stage and then you're also hearing like, I can't say with him, I can't remember who exactly it was, but like you hear at least it's like the person is singing with themselves. They have the track going and it's like so, I don't know, musically, socially acceptable

now. Like back in the day, if you got busted doing that, that was like the end of your fucking career. Everybody's just like, he's a fucking sell out man. And that was it. You didn't sell shit. So the fuck am I trying to say? It was awesome.

It was unbelievable show. And, uh, recently I finally started, uh, downloading us actually some little feet to band like 20 years ago, guys I worked with in this warehouse were telling me I should get into them and I finally got around to doing it and, uh, downloaded their greatest hits and that live album, uh, Christ, what's it called, waiting for Columbus, I believe, and, uh, they have a song on there called willing and I had listened to it and someone was saying, oh yeah, the guy wrote it and that's why he got kicked out of fucking Frank Zappa's band and then he made fucking you got with little flunk story short, the black crows ended up, uh,

they closed out their set singing that song and it was, it was, it was just a shit. It was even the way they ended their set. They didn't do the big fucking, you know, you know, they just sitting there strumming that one note in the guitar is a fucking drummer sitting there smashing all his symbols. Thanks a lot, California, you've been great, good night. Didn't even do that. They played this really cool fucking song and it ended on this nice just, it was, it was the shit.

It was the shit. So, if you get a chance to see him, please go see him and, uh, the drummer of that band, Steve Gorman, uh, has a podcast and, uh, a few baseball fans out there, it's a, uh, or sports fans in general, it's a sports podcast and, uh, this week, Tuesday, I believe he's going to upload it, uh, he interviewed, uh, Euclis from the, uh, the Red Sox, so please check that out. And if you're not into sports, please go see them at the Fillmore. I'm sure they're already sold out, but it was, it was fucking awesome.

So there you go. There's my plug. I am in a generous mood this week. You know why? Cause it's the holiday season, dooby-dooby-doo, and you stick it up, you fucking cunt. Sorry. I just, I gotta jar this song loose in my head. I'm going to figure out what it is.

So anyways, well, well, well, a lot has happened since the last time I did my podcast, hasn't it boys and girls? A lot of things have happened. Does anybody know what I'm talking about? Just, you know, isn't it an amazing thing about life that in six short days, seven days if you're into math, how many fucking things can happen in just a little seven day period? If you go back eight days and you think of what you thought about certain aspects of the world and how different your opinion is a mere eight days later, what would be a good

example of that? Ah, shit. I don't know. Let's see. Let's, let's just take your average fucking Joe from eight days ago. Like I don't know. Let's say like a Jets fan, a Jets fan eight fucking days ago, huh? What do you, oh my God, I was just looking at my fucking, my recorder.

I thought that whole thing, I thought, I thought I didn't record it. I thought, I thought, I thought, I thought he said you what I want. I thought the thing had shut off. Let's continue here. God damn it. I just fucked up my momentum. A Jets fan eight days ago. What the fuck were they thinking?

Huh? What are they thinking around now, people? Eight days ago, those motherfuckers thought that they were going to win the Super Bowl. You know, probably thought that they were going to go into Foxboro, grab fucking Tom Brady with his, by his updated mullet, slap him around a little bit, put a couple of more dimples into his chin. That's what they thought was going to happen. Eight fucking days later.

Eight days later. Right now, every jet fan in the country of Jetdom has their green fucking head between their knees, looking at their fucking green balls, shriveling up, pulling up into their fucking abdomen. All right? Now here's the deal. I'm not going to talk shit. Talked a little bit of shit.

I had to because of all the fucking emails I've been getting and not just from jet fans. That fucking dick from Philly. You know who you are when you've sent me that email going, Bill, give it up. Give it up already. You sound like a moron. The Jets are a fucking, they're the best team in the AFC and all that shit. All right? I'm going to say this, say it real quick because I don't feel like I need to say anything, but

I'm a cunt, so I'm going to continue talking about this. Okay? What the fuck did I tell you? What did I say? Everything I fucking said. I'm not even saying that they can't still pull it together and maybe win the Super Bowl, but to refresh your memory at the beginning of the season, when I was watching those fucking morons on that HBO hard knocks thing running their mouths, that's why are they talking

all this shit? They're talking as if they already won one, two, three fucking championships. And you remember what I said? I said the Patriots, the fucking Ravens, the Steelers, the Chargers, or even the Dolphins could beat this fucking team on any given Sunday and lo and behold, within six days, two fucking losses, you know, so that's it. I had to give you one. I told you so.

All right. And here's one for you Jets fans. If you think I'm thinking that the Patriots are fucking going to win the Super Bowl and that the defense I saw the last two fucking weeks is their defense now, you're sadly mistaken. This is why you fuckers get disappointed every year is because you see, you see half a ray of sunlight and you think, dad, that's what it is. I still don't like our defense. All right.

Two fucking great weeks in a row does not make up for the fact that you shit the bed and let up 24 to 30 points for the first fucking 11 weeks or whatever the hell nine weeks, whatever. I don't know. No, 11 weeks. We were nine and two. That's right. The first 11 weeks.

So I don't know. Who do you like? For some reason, I'm thinking the Ravens sitting there all quietly nestled in Baltimore. Right. No one's paying attention to him. Joe Flacco. I don't know. I know we beat him this year, but I don't know trying to beat those guys twice in one

year. So I'm not, I'm not fucking saying anything. So there you go. That is it. And having said that, how fucking hilarious. I really felt, there's just something here. I felt really bad for the strength and conditioning coach who stuck his knee out and knocked that dolphin guy down.

All right. I felt really fucking bad for that guy because that was such a classic spur of the moment completely out of character move for, it was just the right set of circumstances. Had they beat the Patriots the week before, he wouldn't have done that shit. Had they bounced back and they were beating the dolphins, he wouldn't have done that shit. He's never done anything like that. It was just the classic, that spur of the moment, like it was just, fuck, we got killed by the Patriots, fuck, we're losing this game.

He's a competitive psycho because that's how you get to that level, right? It was just all lying. I'm telling you, that guy, like I don't think he's a bad guy. I really don't. It was a, it was a piece of shit thing to do, but you know, there's so many fucking people in jail because of a moment like that. They had never committed a crime their entire fucking life and just two major shifts happened in their fucking life and then an opportunity presented itself.

Dude, think about it. How many times you go down this, you walk down the street, you see somebody bent over tying this shoe and your brain just goes, why don't you just go fucking boot him in the ass, right? But you don't because the other side of you is going, wait a minute, you can't boot this guy in the ass. Nobody knows that fucking UFC shit comes over and fucking, you know, blows out my eye and I look like fucking Josh Kostchak of the fucking Kostchak, obviously his fucking name, right?

Oh, what if, what if I get a rest for assault? What if I get sued like that voice just beats down that other voice cone? God damn, look at those titties. Why don't you go over and just grab them, just grab those titties. They're right there, grab them, but you don't because you have a job, you got a family because you're working towards something and it's, it's going relatively well. You're on course. But then what happens?

You know, girlfriend dumps you, you know, you lose your fucking job. It starts to unravel. And when it starts to unravel that voice in your head, you know, why'd you just fucking kick that guy right in the balls, become so fucking loud that that other voice of reason is now it's way in the back of your head. You can't even hear it anymore. And that's what the fuck happened to that guy. It was just, it was, dude, I'm telling you last night, last night, that dude was sitting

there. Why is this fucking thing saying I'm peeking? Now is it too loud? I'm trying to overcompensate for the fact that people were saying that my, my podcast was too quiet, trying to overcompensate. There we go. Why is that light sitting there going peak? Hello, test one two, test one, oh fuck you.

Okay. So evidently the reason why it said peak was because I had reached the memory limit for my LS 10. All right. I deleted some shit. I'm back. So anyways, the fuck was I talking, I was talking about that guy. I guarantee you he's not a bad guy.

Last night he was sitting there talking to his wife. He couldn't even sleep. His wife or his girlfriend, you know, she's sitting down on the corner, you know, holding her knees, sitting in the corner going, why did you do that? And he's like, I don't know. I don't know why I did it. Like Gus Grisham and the right stuff. It was, it was a glitch.

The hatch just blew. I don't know why I did it. I was standing there. We were losing the fucking game and the guy came by. I just, I only stuck it out a little bit, man. I just stuck it out a little bit. He's, he's, he's just fucking muttering to himself. Why did I do that?

Why the fuck? Why did I do that? That was so fucking stupid. This guy's in prison right now. Why did that? Why did I listen to that voice? Why? I paid my taxes.

I was a Cub Scout, right? I fucking made sandwiches for my kids, sent them off to school. And then just that one day, my fucking neighbor. Excuse me, Carl, could I talk to you for a second? Um, I know we've discussed this before. Is there any way you could just not have your dog relieve himself on my lawn? And that just happens to be a fucking shovel. And you're just looking at his mouth, you know, and you're just, you know, with the

shovel, bang, you fucking do it. Then you're like, fuck it up. Please get up. Please get up. Did anybody see that? Bury the shovel, man. And then you just go down that road and you've never committed a fucking crime. And then you end up in jail.

It was just because of that one, the circumstances were there. I don't think that that guy's a bad guy. I don't. It was just, you know, the problem is they're being led by a crazy man. Rex Ryan is out of his fucking mind. Another thing that I've said since last fucking year. Okay? That guy, I don't know if he's bipolar or if he's manic depressive.

All right? But I am a psycho and I can spot another psycho from a fucking cross the room. That guy is out of his mind. And what the, you know, you got to buy into your coach's philosophy. All right? So they bought into his shit talking fucking John Wayne horse shit when he was having, they didn't realize he was having a manic episode. You know, all the coaches sign in that bus as he's walking up and the depth of his insecurity

saying that, you know, you don't even deserve to be here. He had to so overcompensate for it. He just by the time he grabbed that sharpie, his manic episode was so through the fucking roof. He just starts writing on the board with a Super Bowl. We're going to win the Super Bowl. He did that. And he brought all his players up to this manic fucking level.

And when you go that high, you crash that fucking low. And that's what happened in two weeks. This motherfucker, the strength and conditioning coach, no pain, no gain. You got to want it. That guy whose dad was probably like Emilio Estevez, how the fuck you say his name? His dad in the breakfast club. When, when, when? I hate you, you son of a bitch.

That was his dad. So he's got that information up there. He's got Rex Ryan's manic Super Bowl, right in his fucking head. And here comes this dreadlocked, locked jackass running right by him. Stick your knee out. Stick your fucking knee out. And he just, he went with it. You saw him.

He's trying to fight it. His other knees going, no, no, no, stay back here with me. And the other knees like, fuck that, I'm going in. I'm fucking going in and he stuck it out. And that fucking dude. Jesus, do you ever think that you could take down a professional athlete that easily? He looked like he fell out of a car. He got knead and the side of the leg on the 40 yard line.

He didn't stop rolling to like the fucking 12 yard line. Oh, can you imagine that? The second he did that shit, that poor bastard. I bet it felt like a cold, like he was standing under a fucking ice water waterfall. That even makes sense. And then that would be like hail. I could have just said hail, whatever it's fucking cold and he's standing at it. And I bet he couldn't even feel this fucking from his, his goddamn heart down.

He probably couldn't feel anything just going like, oh my God, what did I just do? Oh my God, please get up, please, please get up. Oh fuck, did anybody see that? Did Rex see that? Why did I do that? Oh my God. Oh my God. What if I get fired?

What if I get fired? He fucking went through all of that shit. That poor bastard, you know? But I got to admit as a Patriots fan, I don't ever have to listen to the fucking Jets fans talk about cheating anymore, do I? Is the post going to have that cut cheating with a little asterisk next to it for the rest of the fucking season? How are you, green cunts?

Um, so there you go, whatever. So that's, that's this weekend football. That is this weekend football. How about those fucking Minnesota Vikings with their inflatable roof? You know? Can you imagine if that happened during a game? Even with helmets on, I think somebody could die. It's a weird thing because it's snow.

You think like it's just going to be like, you know, getting a snowstorm over with in like a half a second. But that was probably a good couple hundred pounds of snow. And I don't know about you guys, I don't want a couple hundred pounds of anything landing on me from the top of a fucking dome stadium. Jesus Christ. That was one of the saddest moments I've ever seen for a professional franchise. You know?

Getting ready to play the New York Giants, New York football Giants, huh? You guys want it? You want it there fucking big blue? Bring it. In 20 minutes, you got a callback. Yeah. Listen, you know, about that football game, is there a way we could do it on Monday? Monday would probably work a little bit better because, you know, our stadium collapsed and

we have to, we have to get a bicycle pump and we have to repair it with duct tape. Yeah. I figured Detroit's in between New York City and our city is, you know, sort of equidistant and it's just a suggestion. Just call me back. Okay. All right. Bye-bye.

Ah, fuck. So anyways, let's get into the podcast here this week. So that's it. I'm done fucking talking shit. And I got to tell you something. I'm going to pat myself in the back. I could have been a lot meter. I could have been a lot meter.

And you know what? I got to be honest with you. If I believed in our defense a little more, I think I would have been. I think I would have been. How you doing down there in San Diego? Is your team slapped you around enough this year? Jesus Christ. Whatever you do, do not bet on the fucking charges.

You don't know who the fuck's going to show up. It's kill or be killed, rape or be raped. That's what the fuck's going on down in San Diego. You're either going to win 41-nothing or lose 56-8. They got a safety. That's how they got the eight. All right. Now, two field goals and a safety, right?

Is that how it works? Maybe they went for a two-point conversion. I'm just trying to cover all the bases for the fucking math leads out there. All right. Let's move on here. Oh, here's something that somebody sent me. They mentioned that they had seen Paul McCartney, a Beatle, on, what do I just say? Let's just read the email.

Who's kidding? Who? Let's be honest. Why don't I just attempt to read this email? Okay. Hey, Bill. I just finished watching last night's Saturday Night Live with Paul McCartney, and I think it's time for Paul to hang it up for good.

I feel like a bit of an asshole for thinking it because we're all supposed to be in awe of him because he's a Beatle. They let him do four songs last night because everyone is in awe of him, and that's the problem. No one wants to tell the 68-year-old man with the dyed brown hair and saggy man boobs that he doesn't have the voice for a live performance anymore. I fear getting old and being irrelevant too, but I hope that when it's my time to retire, I can accept that I'm not what I once was and move on to something else that better suits that stage of my life.

Paul should look to someone like Bono. Not that I'm a big Bono fan. But I think he's done it right by imitating Bob Geldof's example of rock and roll philanthropy. How about a pat him in the back for getting through that sentence without fucking it up? You two won't draw stadium-sized crowds forever, so Bono set himself up as a jet-setting friend of the world's poor. Even if he never gave another concert or sung another note, he'll still have meaningful work beyond his music.

That's like you were saying in previous podcasts, it's good to have a side business in case show business doesn't work out, best regards. I kind of see what you're saying a little bit, but I know a lot of people saw Paul McCartney last year on tour and said he was fucking unbelievable. And then I also think that the Beatles right now are a victim of a backlash because of something that they didn't create. I think Apple, not Apple, is whatever, iTunes. That's right, iTunes.

I got real confused there because they had Apple records and then Macintosh has a fucking Apple. And that's all it takes to really just send me flying down the fucking sideline like that dreadlocked son of a bitch who got tripped. Anyways, I think iTunes has been trying to get the Beatles catalog, obviously. It's probably the first band you would want to start with as far as if you wanted to make money. They really got them and they are from the Baby Boom generation, Steve Jobs and all

those guys. So this is their Jesus. So they present the band as their Jesus and just eventually, it's just inevitable that it's going to annoy the generations after. And not to mention because we weren't born when they were putting out albums. It's impossible for us to see how far ahead of their fucking time they were. And that's something I also see in comedy where I've actually gotten emails from people going, what's the big deal with Richard Pryor?

35 years of people ripping off his shit, they've actually made some of his stuff. After 35 years, people finally caught up with them. So, or like an athletic thing, somebody sent me a fucking email this week, was talking about that running back on Cleveland. Remember that guy I was talking about who has the face mask, makes him look like the front of a Dodge Ram pickup truck? Someone was saying, they thought Jim Brown of the Cleveland Browns was overrated and that they're so sick of hearing about this guy that if this fucking white dude played

back in that era with those skinny people who played football, he would have run all over him. Which a lot of people say shit like that and it's complete bullshit because if he played back then, look, if you want to stick him in a time machine, yeah, he would run all over those guys. But that doesn't mean he's better. You know what I mean? That's like, okay, I have a big test on Tuesday.

The me on Friday will go back in time after I've taken the fucking test and then I'll know all the goddamn answers. That's what it's like if you take today's athletes and you put them back then. What you have to do is just say, okay, if you take that guy and you had him born the same year Jim Brown was born, you know, he'd still be what he is today because of the nutrition, the level of just intelligence about sports and what is possible at that moment, the workout equipment and all of that. But you know, obviously, if you take a fucking guy, you know what the big flaw in that is

that kid today is not the Jim Brown of this era or any fucking era. You know, and if you took Jim Brown from back in the day, you had him born in 1980 instead of 1940 or whenever the fuck this guy was born and he had access to all this, all this information about nutrition, sports science and all that, he would have been much bigger than he was. He still would have fucking dominated. All right. That's one of those sports arguments that people have, like they'll talk about Kobe Bryant

because they see Kobe doing everything that Jordan has already done. They equate it. Therefore, he's as good as Jordan. And they forget the fact that no one had ever done that shit until Jordan, Jordan changed the game. All right. Same thing with the fucking Beatles. The Beatles were so fucking far ahead of everybody, but now it's 40, almost 50 fucking

years later. Yeah. Now you're going to look back on it and after everybody's ripped them off, it's going to be like, dude, what the fuck was the big deal? All right. So there's that. And then the last thing is I'm sick of people throwing old people out in the fucking yard. You know, like they're your old iPod speakers.

Ah, there's a loose wire. Fuck him. He's out the goddamn door. I think it's bullshit. All right. I like old people. Even that fucking asshole downstairs. I like him.

I like them. And what it is, is you look at them and you see that dyed hair and you see their saggy man boobs, right? They're wrinkled up tushies, right? So you equate that with their level of intelligence rather than this fucking guy has walked this planet for 65, 75, 85 fucking years. And you know, what's that expression as much as things change, they stay the same stitch in time, saves nine, whatever the fuck, whatever expressions, whatever.

You know, this guy's seen everything that you're about ready to see. He's already seen it. Okay. He didn't have a fucking iPod. Who gives a fuck? All right. A cunt is still a cunt. All right.

Some things don't fucking change. And this guy has this whole wealth of knowledge that here's a guy who's been playing live gigs for 50 something fucking years. All right. He can still physically play. Why wouldn't you want to go see him? You know, with all his fucking experience, you know, yeah, I mean, I can see if he was jumping off the piano, trying to do splits and touch his fucking toes, and then he came

down and blew out his knee and they had to give him fucking a Geritol rub right on his blown out knee. Then yeah, you know what I mean? But like, I don't like that whole fucking, it's like, it's like a corporate mentality. Your skin's wrinkled up. We have no, you, we don't like looking at you beat it. I don't know. I'd still go pay to see the Rolling Stones.

I would. Why wouldn't you? Why the fuck would those guys, those guys give me hope that I can sit there and drag my ass out on a fucking stage 80 years old. Hey, what's up with Medicaid? You know, out on a cruise ship, but I do understand what you're saying because I definitely want to, uh, if I'm on stage in my sixties and seventies, sixties is fine because I'm still going to be fucking annoyed and want to be out there, but in my seventies, if I'm still

on fucking stage, I want it to be because, uh, because I, not because I need the money because I want to be out there. All right. I remember Keith Richards saying like someone was like, when are you guys going to hang it up? He's like, never. I'm a musician. This is what I do.

I will do this in front of two people or 200,000. It's what the fuck I do. You want me to put down my guitar? You know, he has a great line in his book where he talks about how much he loves guitar. I don't know if I said this last week, Keith Richards has his book called life. It's the fucking shit. And, um, he talks about how he loves guitar so much that to this day, like he opens a guitar case and just the smell of a guitar, he wants to crawl in there and close the lid

All right. So if you asked this guy to stop going out playing live, you might as well put a bullet in his brain. You're killing the man. Okay. So having said that, let Paul McCartney do his fucking thing. Hasn't he been through enough? I mean, that guy truly found the love of his life.

All right. She fucking dies. Then he, he's in a bad place like the fucking Jets strength coach. He goes out. He carries some gold digging whore with one leg, you know, which was the classic fucking misdirection because I bet in the back of his head, he kept going, you know, I think she's a fucking gal digger. And then the other place like, dude, she only has one leg, man, stop being so mean, right?

And then he just gave into that. There you go. Hey, you think if you tried to trip her, you stuck your knee out, like maybe there was a possibility that she's athletic enough that her fake leg would just fall off and she would just be able to continue hopping down the sidelines and make a play. Granted, she get a penalty if she, if she ran out of bounds on her own, you know, that's a question for you this week. If that fucking gold digging whore with the one leg, if she ran down, she had a fucking

dolphins uniform on, right? She went to the islands and got her hair braided by some dude, Jamaica, right? And she comes flying down the sideline. If you stuck your knee out, hit her fake knee, right? Knocked her fucking leg off. Why am I repeating what you just heard? Everything I just said, do you think that she would have the ability running full speed? All right, we'll, we'll adjust it a little bit.

You tell her you're going to do it. Tell her you're going to do it. Your legs going to fucking pop off. No, the fake one. Jesus Christ. We think I'm an asshole. But just shut up, you dumb whore. All right.

Fucking knock. Shut up. I'm going to knock your fake fucking leg off, sweetheart. When you're running full speed, if you can keep your balance, all right, we'll give you some shiny shit, you gold digging whore. Do you think she could do it? That is my question for you during the holiday season. Dooby-dooby-doo, and we knock off your fake leg, you cunt.

Um, all right. What else do we got here? You guys want some YouTube videos for the week? Um, okay. Once again, as great as the black crows were, let's, let's talk about some fucking music that, um, I respect, but, um, I, I have to shut it off every time I hear it. And that is basically the melancholy singer-songwriter put a gun in your mouth early to mid 70s shit. You know, did I talk about this last week?

I can't remember. Carol King singing, yeah, it's too late, baby, now it's too late, but we really did try to make it. Something inside has died and fucking kill yourself, you douchebag. How the fuck it goes? That song, James Taylor, I've seen fire and I've seen rain, my fucking friend died in a plane crash and I always thought that I'd see you once again, Carly Simon. That's the way, that's the way I've always heard it should be.

I'm telling you right now, don't ever listen to that song on a rainy fucking day. If you put that song in, you have a 40% chance of doing something really harmful to yourself. Joan Baez, Diamonds and Rust, you know, and I have the song, if one of those songs ever comes on, you're in a car and you don't have control of the radio and you just feel yourself getting dragged down this bottomless pit. I have the song that is basically like that adrenaline injection to the heart, like in Pulp Fiction, just put on Huey Lewis, Hip to Be Square, all right. I can't take 100% credit for that.

Me and young Joe DeRosa, all right, the teen idol sensation of the Opian Anthony program was actually a segment that we'd love to do on the uninformed show that we do once every nine years at this point. We were talking about how it's impossible to be depressed if you listen to Huey Lewis in the news. Put on Hip to Be Square, I challenge you not to fucking get a smile on your face, it's like trying to hold off a yawn. You know, you can't do it, it's impossible.

So I don't know, I don't even know why I'm bringing this shit up, but like, I don't know what it is about that music. I respect it once again, getting back to the Black Rose thing, because it's actually human beings producing all the sounds that you're hearing, all right, but you know, Jesus Christ already. Do those people have any happy songs? Who's another one? Oh, that fucking girl sings in the falsetto with those weird eyes.

Joni Mitchell singing about, uh, paved the parking lot, paved paradise, turned it into a parking lot. You don't know what you got till it's gone. All right, Joni, I got it. Last week was better. Jesus Christ, you fucking, you know? I don't know, did I, was there a point that was made there other than the fact that I can't sing?

Um, oh, here's a music question for this week. Did you guys also know other than playing drums, I fuck around on guitar, um, and uh, I recently bought ACDC flick of the switch, another underrated, which I know I did last week, underrated, ACDC flick of the switch. I just want to know what tuning of those people in, are they tuned down like half a step? Because it's like I listened to the album, I shut it off, then I go and I go to figure it out. Like, let's take the first song for you guitar players out there, rising power.

All right. He's doing a pull off down to a B chord, right? But are they tuned down like half a step? Because last night I'm sitting there in my jam, jams, and I got my guitar that I can't even fucking play. And I'm like, you know what, I'm going to have a little geek moment by myself that nobody can see. I'm going to put on this fucking record, I'm going to play along to this song because

I figured it out, the Malcolm part. And it sounded like shit. And I tried tuning down half a step and I just could not fucking figure it out. And beyond the fact that I suck, can somebody help me out? What are they doing there? I know it's not a drop D, drop D tuning, because I know what that sounds like. That sounds like Satan is your bitch. And you got some errands for it to run.

I know what that sounds like. And I challenged somebody to come up with a riff and drop D tuning that doesn't fucking rock. It's just, it's just, it's the shit, right? But does that tune down half a step that I can't fucking get? Come on, man. You heard how I sing. Help me out here.

Help me out or I'm going to fucking sing for the rest of this podcast. All right. It's the holiday season. All right. Wait, let's, let's continue on here. Um, oh, I got my, uh, I tell you somebody re-rendered my Prius, you know what I mean? Which really is like fucking booting an eight year old in the ass when you really think about it.

Um, and got it just hard enough where I couldn't walk away and be like, ah, don't worry about it. You know, my hatchback wasn't quite closing correctly. Um, you know what I mean? Didn't quite, didn't quite work on the hatchback area, kind of like a girl with a big booty. You know what I mean? There's always a little bit of butt crack coming out who's got a tug. You know, that's how you can judge.

If you see a girl with a nice ass, whether or not she's a whore or not, if she's constantly trying to adjust her jeans and pull them up so her ass crack isn't coming out of the back of her pants, uh, that's a good girl. That's one you can take home to mom. Just make sure she wears a dress. But if she's just standing there with like an inch and a half coming out and she doesn't give a fuck, I can't even say that she's a fucking whore, but either that or she's just accepted who she is.

And for some reason that they don't make jeans for girls like that. All right. That's one of those references that it just was such a visual to me that I completely forgot what the fuck I was talking about. Let's go back. I was talking about guitar. Who gives a fuck? Oh, I was talking about my car.

So anyway, so I'm getting it fixed this week. And so I went down to the rental car place and it was the usual. I go down there and I ask for a fucking, uh, uh, an economy car. You know, I don't give a shit. I really have no pride when it comes to cars, even though I fucking love them. I don't give a fuck. I'm just so into not having debt that I'm a little miser. So I get this account.

I go down there and they go, well, the economy car isn't quite ready. We could give you a free upgrade to this four door fucking pickup. And then it just became my, the only thing that outweighs my miserly ways is, uh, I don't like waiting. I refuse to wait. So I go, yeah, fuck it. I'll take it. And then immediately my girl was just like, why did you get that?

I can't drive that. It's so big. What am I going to do? I'm like, we only got it till Monday. Fucking relax. We've got to get to Christmas tree this weekend. All right. Well, you know, that's your red, red, red, red vixen coming and cupid and daughter and

Blitzen. If you wonder how I did that, that was not some Phil Specter shit. That's called just, you just spin it around 360 away from your mouth and you just keep talking and comes back around. You like that? It's a new recording process. I just invented. So anyways, I go, yeah, we got to go get the Christmas tree.

So for the last two years, I have to admit something to your people. All right. I have been going down to get these fucking Christmas trees and I've been getting the traditional Christmas tree and we all know what it looks like. All right. It looks like someone on the biggest loser about four weeks in. That's what a Christmas tree is supposed to be about that full. You know, but does these other Christmas trees that I noticed, not the scrawny ones, but

they are minimalist Christmas trees where you can see the entire trunk and it's like they still have the branches, but they're, it's very like symmetrical. It looks fucking cool as hell. Clean looking Christmas tree, right? It looks like one of those trees and like the Dr. Seuss books, you know? So I go, you know what? Fuck this. I'm going to get something different.

I like this tree. It looks fucking cool. I think the ornaments are going to hang off it much better as, you know, you get one of those full trees, you know, this, yeah, it's just, it's a fucking pain in the ass. And then the end of the, end of the goddamn, you know, Christmas season, if you're not a dick and you just don't throw it out the side of your car like a fucking some, you know, some piece of degenerate gambler that owed you money. I said have it by Tuesday.

And then you just throw it out the fucking car. Right? If you actually do it the right way and you saw it up, it's a pain in the ass and makes an unbelievable mess. This thing, you know, it's like, it's like, you ever walk into like, like when I'm out with, with, with Nia and we go out to one of her, her clothing stores and if it's like a corporate place, the place is just jam packed with shit. But if it's like privately owned, they go out and they buy these individual pieces.

They'll buy a couple of sizes of each things that they like and you go in there, you pray to God that they have your size and it's, and you go in and it's very minimalist. That's the sort of Christmas tree that I bought and you know, Nia is a fashionista, so I thought she would like it. So I bring this Christmas tree in and the second she looks at it, because I think she's going to be like, you know, like I literally just have like techno music on, like I'm so far into the fucking future here. The second she looks at it, all my confidence just drains out the bottom of my shoes.

And I go, yeah, this is the Christmas tree and she goes, oh yeah, she goes, where's the rest of it? I'm like, no, no, that's the style. That's the style. It's supposed to look like that. I go, doesn't it look cool? I mean, it looks like one of those trees in Dr. Seuss. She goes, yeah.

She goes, I think it looks more like that, that Christmas tree and that Charlie Brown cartoon. It's not, I feel like an asshole. So because I love the verbal abuse that you guys give me every fucking week, I'm actually going to be dumb enough to send a picture of my Christmas tree. Now granted, it's naked. It's not all dressed up. It's not all dolled up.

All right. It's like Charlie's Theron and that stupid movie monster that rather than chastising her for being a murderous cunt, they actually made a movie that said maybe guys ought to look at themselves and treat bitches a little bit better before they go and start killing you after a blowjob. Wasn't that the message of the movie? That's the message I got. So anyways, it doesn't have any makeup on, which I think should automatically give it

a golden globe for being that courageous. It was so brave. It was such a brave performance. Just take a look at the Christmas tree and tell me what you think. I think it looks fucking badass. I love it. I fucking love it. I stand by it.

I'm breaking a little tradition here. So go on the mmpodcast.com. Take a look at my Christmas tree. We'll have a whole section where you can leave your goddamn comments about what a moron you think I am or maybe you actually like them. And along with that, you can also look at these YouTube videos, the YouTube videos of the week, people. I just felt like I should have had some theme music right there at some point.

I'm going to have them make enough money in this fucking business. I'm going to make a little studio and I'm going to have all those little sound effects like a real radio show like Anthony on opening Anthony. You know, he's got all those little buttons he pushes and opi's got all his little buttons that they push, you know, those button pushing son of a bitches. I want to be one too. I have dreams and when I do, I'll have a little fucking theme music here. But until then, you'll just sit there and listen to the awful silence.

All right. YouTube videos of the week that you can watch on the mmpodcast.com, the official fan webpage, whatever the fuck you call it of the Monday morning podcast, all right, YouTube video. This is one of my favorite ones. If people puking makes you sick, please don't watch this, but you know, the great thing of watching a video tape of somebody puking is you don't have to smell it. So you can just enjoy the hilarity that it is, you know what I mean? It's like that shit that people, they date the vaporizer with weed, you know, where it

gets rid of everything, all the toxins, it just keeps the shit that gets you high. This is, this is the vaporizer version of watching somebody puke. Watch this video. This is such, this video literally made me cry laughing, epic beer pong puke. Um, it's just, it's got it all. The volume of puke, the noises kids making when he's puking, and then the fucking good natured attitude that this dude has, he actually, he has poise while puking. I think Mark Sanchez could learn a little something about this, you know, little poise

under fire. By the way, one of their offensive linemen got hurt, now watch him run for his fucking life. Alright, this game managing son of a bitch. Oh, I was so right about those motherfuckers. Alright, um, alright, YouTube video, another one. This one is just so fucking creepy. I love this.

I want to go on a date with this woman. It's called the best model in the world, and I'm sure a lot of you guys have already seen this, and I'm sure Tosh.0 has already put it up, but it's the best model in the world, hand model. And it's this woman talking about being a hand model, and for a lot of people it's what she says, but for me, it's the way she just keeps stroking her hands. I don't know what she's doing, but it is so fucking creepy. I want to go on a date with her.

I want to take her out to dinner, have her sitting across from me as I tell her about how many brothers and sisters I have, and my hopes and dreams and life as she sits there nodding just stroking her hands, and it would just, it would really, you know, I don't know, call me a fucking psycho, but I would really love to just have that experience. It's on my bucket list. Did I spell this right? The next one is Cammie's secret parody, boob apron. You know that thing, that commercial they have out there where women with the big titties

and they, you know, their boobs are always falling out of their shirt, but they don't like wearing something underneath it to alleviate the problem, so they created this little napkin that hooks onto your bra straps. First of all, let's pause and just say how fucking brilliant an idea that is, as far as just making a million dollars, you know. This chick's out there who just have, you know, efficient boobs, trying to think of a nice way of saying small boobs, comparable, capable titties, right? They're still going to buy them just because I like having different colors, and sometimes

I don't want to wear a shirt, and then those other girls who lie to themselves about how big their boobs are, and for some reason they buy a D cup bra, you know, when they got B cup titties. I don't know why they do that. Kind of like the guy who goes in and buys the magnum condom, and then it slips off and he becomes a fucking father for the ninth time. Yeah, just watch that. It's a parody of that.

And this next one, all I have is a website, but my web guy is definitely going to have it up. If you want to watch a video of somebody who's about ready to get arrested by the FBI, watch this video. I took one of those, you know, those nerds who rather than going out and getting a pilot license, they go down to an open field and they just fly like a fake plane around, a model airplane, motorized, there it is, motorized plane around. This guy put a camera on it and he flew around the New York City skyline.

Oh yeah, I'm sure this guy isn't going to get in trouble at all. At least they had the brains to blur out their faces, but the dude is talking on the video. You can hear his voice, they're going to get caught. Some cunt is going to recognize his voice that he went to high school with. You know, by the way, people, if you do something illegal, if you're going to be dumb enough to videotape it, don't put it on fucking YouTube and of all the fucking cities to do it to. I mean, it's definitely the footage is fucking cool, but this guy buzzes the Statue of Liberty with this model fucking airplane and considering the military has those drones that can fly

around and just vaporize people, it's probably not a good idea to have one of those flying around. I'm going to go out on a limb. So look for that news, everybody. These guys getting arrested in the next couple of weeks. Okay, we also have the YouTube video of the Jets strength coach tripping the dolphin. You just want to watch that and just watch that with my psychoanalysis. Is that all right?

My psycho psychoanalysis of that guy. Is that it? I think that's it. Those are the YouTube videos of the week. And what are we up to here at this point? By golly, will you look at that 53 fucking minutes? I know what I need to do. I need to height my last standup gig, my last official one of the official one of the year.

I am going to be at the improv out here in Brea, California, beginning this Thursday. And I'm going to conclude on Sunday and it's going to be December 16th, 17th, 18th and 19th. And I got to tell you, my new hour is really happy with where it's at. So I figured something out somewhere during Seattle right through the Cobbs gig in San Francisco and I'm really excited, really excited to go out there. So you know, come on out and see me. How about some Latino people, huh? Trying to break into this market out here.

I don't know how to get in touch with you guys. You know, I started doing that Rosetta Stone shit. I fucking, I quit it. You know, I really want to learn how to speak Spanish and I'm realizing that if I did a little bit of Rosetta Stone and I just had somebody who spoke Spanish or Mexican, whatever the fuck it is you call it, not trying to offend anybody, I want to know how to do it. I think it's fucking, I don't know, it's a cool language. I want to learn how to say it and then I can talk to some Spanish women.

Who the fuck am I kidding? All right. So that's it. I'm going to be there this Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. All right. If you can't make it there and you're in the San Francisco area, I'm telling you, go see the black crows. Go see them because I think they're going to take a little bit of a break after this

tour from what I've heard. You know, it just fits into my hole. Don't go to the automated checkouts. Don't go to see these fucking autotuned jackasses. Go see the real fucking deal. All right. There. I'm done with that shit.

And with that, is that the podcast for this week? I'm coming up a little short all of a sudden. Am I running out of gas? You know what it is? I'm in my vacation mode already and I'm in a silly fucking mood. I got my Christmas tree and I'm going to be singing out those fucking holiday songs this weekend on stage. I just decided that just for the podcast listeners and I'm not even going to explain why I'm

doing it. I'll be telling joke and this guy can go fuck himself. It's the holiday season do be do be do. All right. Who's kidding? Am I going to keep repeating that fucking joke? Is that what I'm going to do, Bill? Are you pulling the Paul McCartney right now and you don't know when to get off stage according

to that one fucking listener? I think I am. Did I have any underrated, overrated, underrated a four door pickup truck like I'd rented this week? Couldn't believe how convenient it was. I went to go see the black crows. I put me and four other adults in that thing. We went to go see them.

And then the next day I got a fucking Christmas tree in the back. Ending up right. You know, it's funny when I put it in the truck, these three people were walking down the street. One of them was some Mexican dude and he, in Spanish, he said something and started laughing and I was convinced he was laughing at my tree. You know, another reason why I would have loved to gotten through the Rosetta Stone. So I could have said in Spanish, um, actually it's not the Charlie Brown tree.

All right, Hector, it's supposed to look like that. Thank you. Thanks very much. Just to freak them out. You know what I mean? Because you know nobody thinks a white dude can speak Spanish. It's like how many times did George Bush catch somebody saying something fucked up? Is he sat there in his fucking white elite fucking brown penny loafers with no socks

and his Pete Carroll coaching pants, right? Jesus Christ. Did the Seahawks get their fucking asses kicked this week or what? I went two and two this week, everybody. That finally went 500. I got something for, for gamblers out here that I know you're all going to agree with. All right. And uh, oh, before I say, you know, one of the reasons why I didn't do an extra podcast

because a lot of people were asking me how come right after the Jets game, you didn't do a podcast, making fun of the Jets. That's because I didn't, I didn't believe in our defense and I thought that we had a really good chance of not, uh, you know, of losing that game by a couple of points. Because, you know, when you let up 24 to 30 points, that's what, you know, that's definitely a possibility. And I just thought it would have been bullshit if I came, yeah, you know, what the fuck you your fucking lost.

That's also why I kind of took it easy on you this week, which you probably don't think I did. But hey, I did defend your fucking strength and conditioning coach. Didn't I? Well, I'll write that. Why did I just talk about that? And I can't remember what I was talking about. Oh, here's one for the gamblers out there.

So I took the Eagles last night, all right, given three and a half against the Cowboys. Had they won, I would have gone three and one, which I desperately needed. Instead, you know, and they drive down, right down the fucking field, all right, they're down by three points and they can kick a field goal and win the bet. But because it doesn't matter, they just want to win the game. They take a knee and they run out the fucking clock. And this is a rule that I think the NFL should do, you know, subtly without letting the public know, because they really can't line up with gamblers or anything.

I really think that is in a sign of solidarity for the regular Joe out there who actually had the balls to put money so believed in your fucking team. If you put money on your fucking team and you have a chance to cover the spread in the final fucking seconds, you should, god damn it, you should do it and you read, kick the field goal, your fucking asshole. Oh, I needed three and one. I needed that so fucking bad. So now I'm two with two.

I can't pick a game to save my fucking life. You know what's funny was I took Tampa this week, Tampa and Atlanta have been my go-to teams and I, for some reason Carolina has been a little Jekyll and Hyde. So the game scared me. It's a divisional game. I just didn't fucking like it. I stayed away and I went with the Rams because the Saints have been Jekyll and Hyde and I wasn't buying into this.

Oh, here they come. Shit that they've been doing the last couple of weeks and Sam Bradford has been showing that he can play at that level, you know, 100% wrong on that game. And I can tell you this right now to save yourself a fucking ulcer. When the team you bet on throws a pick six, I don't give a fuck if it's in the first quarter. Shut the game off. It's over. It's a goddamn 14 point turnaround.

All right, whatever. I bitch moan and complained enough. We're coming right up on an hour. I think that's a good, that's a good, that's a good number, isn't it? That's it. Bless all you. I hope you enjoyed the podcast this week. Get out there.

Go do your Kwanzaa Christmas or Hanukkah. Is it over yet? I saw a couple of people driving around with Minors on top of their cars, not even bullshit. I thought only idiots did that with Christmas trees. Are they mocking the idiocy of Christians? Or they like, we can be dumb too, you know, like how women do. How come only you guys get to box and have brain damage? We want to do it too.

You know, why are women so convinced that everything guys do is so fucking worthy of getting involved in tube? You know we're dumb. Just sit back and think a minute. Just sit back and think a minute. I want to join the workforce rather than sitting around hanging out with cute little kids. I know it's a job. What the fuck's wrong with you?

Wouldn't that be awesome as a guy? Just think about that right now. If the roles were reversed, you know, and you had the option of just marrying some rich broad who just go out there and just take care of you, you know, all you got to do is just keep the house clean and make a meatloaf a couple of times a week. You can just tap out. You know, I'm not saying you have to do that, but there's a lot of us out there who would. I do that for a couple.

I think I'll be a fucking stay at home dad for a couple of years and just chill the fuck out, right? Getting incredible shape. So sick of all those broads out there talk like that. Oh, I understand. They're out of shape because they had to carry the baby. But if you're a guy, there's no fucking reason why you can't be in shape. You didn't have to carry that kid around.

You know, you got all day long to work out. Oh my God. That would be the shit. I know what you're thinking. Oh, these kids, they never fucking go to sleep. Yeah, they do. They take a nap every fucking, you can nap with them. You can figure out a time.

You can go out and go buy all kinds of healthy food and then just chill out. I would get the fucking NFL package. I would just whine to my rich wife and just be like, come on, cause I want you. Would you, you know, do like the, you know, they do the little girl thing when they want something. I just thought, I just thought maybe you'd buy it for me. I'd do that with the NFL package, but you know, just making it a little easier when the kids are screaming, right?

And I would fucking tape every goddamn game. It would be my mission every week that I was going to watch all 16 NFL games or whatever the fuck they have. A couple of people have bi weeks, 14 games, whatever the fuck it is. And I would sit there like a fucking defensive coordinator who was waiting for the phone to ring, you know, and was going to get picked up or some shit. And I would just, I would watch all of those games and I would get a gate. I get a padded fucking playroom where the kids couldn't hurt themselves and I just fucking

get a gate where they couldn't get out and I just stick them in there all day and play amongst yourselves. And then I would just watch all these games. Every once in a while I would just throw food in there like they were like, you know, animals at the zoo, you know, rather than making three sandwiches, I'd make one big one and I'd just throw it in the middle and then just film it like the Discovery Channel, you know, with the pecking order, like the most dominant male lion gets to eat first, then all the other ones are sitting there, you know, growling and shit, waiting to see when the biggest

one is full, when they can go in. I think I'd like that. All right, that's it. That's the podcast for this week. Please help me out. I want to know about that one legged gold digging whore running down the sideline. If she could keep going, I want to know what tuning ACDC is using on the flick of the Switch album, particularly houses on fire and rising power.

And it'll be funny if it's standard tuning. My ear is just that bad. And what's the last thing? Was there anything else? I don't fucking ask you something else. I don't fucking know what. All right. That's the podcast for this week.

Have a great week. Hope you enjoyed it and go fuck yourselves out. Bye.