Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-14-17

Episode Date: December 15, 2017

Bill rambles about Virgin Airlines, Jagged Little Pill and a waterless Earth.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Just checking in on ya. Do you like that? That was my imitation of a car with no balls going from first gear to second gear. Oh, actually, we'd start in first. That's my impression of a car with no balls going from second to third gear.

That's what it is. Ah! Sorry. I just wanted to annoy every fucking person out there listening to this. All right, we get the joke, Bill. God! Speaking of jokes, I'm going to be at the Hard Rock Cafe tonight in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

Huh? Jesus Christ, how many sexual harassments have happened just on the fucking beaches out here? Good Lord. I mean, is that story ever going to end? Every time you think they got the last guy, I mean, they're down to like fucking, they're going to have to cooks now. I was making bacon and all of a sudden I felt these hands and I was like, is that squid

still alive? And I turned around and all I saw was orange and freckles. Oh, Christ. Meanwhile, we're spending a billion dollars a month. I finally just, I don't know, we're spending a billion dollars a month fighting people that train on a fucking jungle gym. I just, it's like, it's like throwing a billion dollars. If you have a beehive on the side of your fucking house, you're going to get rid of

the bees absolutely. You're going to beat those bees, but you're not going to have any fucking money. Sorry. Anyways, plowing ahead here. By the way, I am in week two, week two of my Invisalign and I just keep these fuckers in because I want this to be over as soon as possible. I actually really like them. I'm kind of used to it and now my bite is totally fucking off.

I don't know what the fuck's going on with me, but I'm riding this out, but I only take these things out to eat. I've already lost the little case that you're supposed to carry them in. They give you a blue one that's blue and the one that's red, the blue one you're supposed to take out in public, the other one's red and that means stop, leave it at home. So you know me. You don't know me. You think you know me, but you know, a lot of what you think you know about me is right.

So I've already fucking lost my, my container here, but I got this container of ice breakers mints and I noticed that their gum container is the exact same fucking shape as the other container. So I just figured rather than go into, you know, fuck, I lost my container.org and you know, ordering another one. I'll just use the ice breaker mint thing. That's probably stupid. I don't think it's gum and I'll shake it and I won't hear any gum in there and I'll throw

it out. Oh, well, we'll see. You know, I think Alanis Morissette said it best when she said, you live, you learn. Um, Jesus Christ, what an album that was, huh? My God. Good Lord. You know, looking back now, looking back at that album, it's just like, uh, I think you, you need to go take like an MMA class.

And if you actually learned how to beat the shit out of somebody, you wouldn't be so fucking emotional. You could just be like a guy, you know, sitting there all fucking stoic at the end of the bar stewing in your anger, listening to James Brown, the big payback, fantasizing about what the fuck you want to do. You could do that, or you could be like, you know, freaking people out with the goddamn ukulele sitting there going, hey, hey, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, Hey, Linus, he's, he found somebody else.

He's not coming back. All right. Just, you're going to have to accept this. The fuck happened to my computer screen, you know, that's, that's, that's computed for go fuck you. Oh, it's back. Look who's back. Back again.

Um, anyways, couple of announcements, uh, Patrice O'Neill benefit February 20th makes a great Christmas gift. Come on people, you're getting down to the fucking wire. It's December 14th, man. Hanukkah is already three days in. I got to give it, I got to give it up to fucking mainstream people for, uh, putting the really going all out with the menorahs this year. I was down the improv.

They had a giant fucking Christmas tree in this little fucking piece of shit menorah. You know what I mean? It was fucking nuts. This little piece of shit just sitting on the fucking piano, but there was two days lit. That was last night, right? Or two nights ago, three, were you in the fourth day on the fourth day of Hanukkah? My George friend gave to me a piece of shit, menorah from the improv, um, four days in.

I came to the hard rock cafe. They got a couple of lights fucking lit up there. I have no idea. I took the red eye in, uh, flew in on a fucking virgin airlines, which by the way, I don't feel comfortable flying that fucking airline because I think they put more money into their fucking seatbelt song video than they did on the actual plane. Cause every time I get on that fucking plane, you know me, I'm a fancy guy. I spent 20 years in the back of the fucking plane.

I ain't going back. I don't care what I have to pay. Okay. I want to be breathing down the pilot's neck. That's how I fly commercial. I want to know when one of them gets up to go to the bathroom. That's where the fuck I want to fly. All right.

That's my one diva demand in this business. I fly up front. That's it. I'm not, I spent 20 years back there. I'm not fucking going back there. You know, I might, you know, you never know what happens in your career. But if I end up back there, I swear to God, I'm packing like a rock star when they go on tour for fucking two years where they bring one pair of pants, two T shirts and a toothbrush.

That's the way I'm packing. I'm going to start dressing all in black, like George Carlin or Johnny Cash. I've already worked it out. If I fucking go back there, okay? If I have to go to the back of the plane again, I'm going vegan. I'm doing yoga. I'm going to become as skinny as I possibly fucking can. And then I'm bringing this little fucking knapsack with me because that's all the back

of the plane is. It's just stress. Fuck. How fat is the fat fuck sitting next to me going to be? Fuck. Is it going to be fucking head space? I mean, sorry, overhead compartment space for my little fucking bag. That's all it is.

The whole fucking thing is that fuck is the person next to me going to be snoring. Fuck. Am I going to be sitting next to the bathroom? Fuck. I'm in the back of the plane. After a while, I got sick of it. After a while, little freckles got sick of it and I just said, fuck this. How much is it?

I don't give a shit. Throw it on the fucking card. So anyway, so I said, I'm sitting up front, all right? And if you never flew Virgin Airlines, they have this fucking music video that they did, which I get doing the announcements, you know, their emergency exits are here. This is fucking there. Don't do this. Don't try to open any windows while the planes and flight, you know, whatever the fuck they

say, don't try to let your shoes on fire. So they were like, this is boring. We're the hip airline. We have all this aquarium lighting here. You know, let's we like the plane like everyone's going to get a hand job right after they fucking take off, right? How long before they get shit for their sexual harassment fucking lighting? Yeah, everyone should smell like cologne.

That's the way it's fucking lit on those planes. And so they they they made decide they decided out of the fucking blue to make this music video to like give you the announcements. And when I tell you this fucking, it feels like it's 15 fucking minutes long. It's so fucking like loud. And then everybody's doing that, you know, post Christina Aguilera singing, you know, you got to hit every note on the fucking scale, every three words, like Christina Aguilera singing, row, row, row, you know, when that fucking Jesus, like you tickle in a cat and

it's not enjoying it. That's saying she's a bad singer, but it's like, I get it. Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ. So they have all of that fucking, you know, those fucking women that when they sing, they got a point where their voice is going, like it's like, I get I'm tone deaf, but you know, I don't need you to be doing like a fucking, you know, leaving breadcrumbs of where the fuck you're going on the music scale. Okay, I can tell by the way my eardrums are vibrating, you're getting up into the stratosphere

there. So this fucking song goes on forever and ever. Just when you think it's over, then they do this stupid robot part. I don't even know what they're saying. Oh my God, oh my, I'm going to light my shoes on fire if this fucking thing doesn't end. So and then what happens is I try to put my headphones on, right? And then you just say, excuse me, here, here, nine, 11, support the troops. Can you take your fucking headphones off?

Even last night, they didn't make me do that because I took the red eye in and the the stewardesses were were cool, whatever the fuck you're supposed to call them flight attendees. They were cool and they didn't make me take the fucking things off. But Jesus fuck. And then meanwhile, they spend like fucking a million dollars on this goddamn thing of all these fucking whaling divas and robot people and all of this shit. And then they took something, the boarding announcements that only took like 45 seconds. Now it's like a 10 minute goddamn video.

And they spent all that fucking money on that. And I have never been on Virgin flown up front. And after I reclined the seat, had the seat go up back up again. The fucking stewardess always has flight attendee always has to come over and fucking Wendy, the flight attendee over here, always has to come and open that middle part and there's some sort of secret fucking lever to pull it up. So then that makes me think, OK, if this what's going on with the seats, like what's going on with the engine?

All right. I was catastrophizing. All right. But that's something you do when you're on a plane, you know, because like when we would take it off, it was vibrating a little bit too much. And I was just thinking like, you know, it's LAX, it's like, ah, fuck. What if we crash into the ocean right now? And even worse, what if we have a really good pilot like Sully who doesn't have the decency

to just fucking nose it in and kill us all instantly. Now we got a float there waiting for sharks to fucking eat us because it's nighttime. You know what I mean? During the day, I want Sully. All right. At night, you know, I don't know what I want. I want just just nose it forward. All right.

We don't got enough fucking thrust to get lift here. Speak for myself. I had a good one. Yeah. Just go straight down in. But anyways, Jesus Christ, I went to go buy a fucking magazine before I got on the flight. My God. Everything was so fucking depressing.

Do you know on the cover of Newsweek, they got a picture of the earth like waterless saying that's what like the future is going to be. And it's just like, who in the fuck would buy that? And I'm going to, I'm going to sit there and read that and then do what? Think about my daughter over there in some waterless world. I don't know. I think, you know, I mean, I just don't understand that how that helps me. And I also don't think that that's the direction we're going to go in as much as everybody's

flapping their arms and screaming, yelling and all of that shit. There is some good news out there about all of this type of stuff, you know, because you know, how I know this, you know, I know this because I'm getting sick of all this fucking negative news and all the, you know, the fucking iPhone now they want your fingerprint, which I'm not doing so coincidentally enough. All of a sudden my phone, you know, because I didn't finish air quotes, setting it up by giving a fucking cell phone company, whoever the fuck it is, my fingerprint, it's like, why would I give you my, why would I give you my fingerprint?

You fucking assholes. First of all, Apple keeps acting like there's this epidemic of people getting their phones broken into like if you set it down, somebody's going to figure out your four to six digit code like they're fucking Christopher walking in the dead zone. All they got to do is touch, shake your fucking hand and you're like, it's one, two, three, four, isn't it? All right. You're like, fuck, he can get into my phone.

I've never had my phone broken into because somebody knew my fucking passcode. I'm sure somebody's gone in another way, sitting in the fucking, you know, their house. I don't know how the fuck they do it, but I know my thumbprint and showing my face or whatever the fuck it is, these assholes want from me. Oh, fucking Billy Apocalypse here. I think I'm, I'm, I don't know, I've made this claim before, but I think I'm going to do it. I think I'm going to go, but I'm going to go flip phone mp3 player because the only

reason why I really like the smartphone is I love that all my music is on there. I really enjoy that. So if I was in the cell phone fucking market, what I would do is I would make flip phones that could fucking carry the music, you know, flip phone slash mp3 player and throwing that out there right now. So people can write me, oh, actually there is a phone like that. It's called the mp3 player flippy. It's made by Sprint or whatever the fuck it's, I'm going to go, I think I'm going to do that.

And then when I'm on the road, I'll just Skype on my computer. I guess I'll do that fucking shit speaking of which, by the way, I've gotten into like fucking, I downloaded this James Brown album a long time ago. That was, let me see if I can find it. Of course, now I'm not going to be able to find the fucking thing. Go into library, type in his name, but anyways, it's at this point, even if you're a casual fan of James Brown, you know, they basically on the radio and in movies and all of this shit, all they do is they just, they play like the same fucking, you know, the same

five fucking songs, 20 songs, you know, boom, boom, boom, boom, probably got a brand new bag. They play that. I feel good. The same ones. You got to get his fucking albums where you can hear all the B side ones. And I've been, you know, I bought this book, this drum book the other day, which I'm just getting into it.

And it looks like it's going to be one of the best drum books I've seen in a while called the breakbeat Bible. And it kind of breaks down where all the rappers and everybody, like all the songs that they sampled, all those drum breaks, and then the kids would dance to them, which why are they called break dancers, all of that, all that shit that a white guy like me didn't know until I watched a couple of Netflix documentaries. And I watched a drum cover of, I forget what the fuck I was watching. I think the funky drummer, like someone was showing me all the ghost notes and stuff and

said that they had a good breakdown of it in this, this, this book, the breakbeat Bible, which I got. And then it came with a little fucking MP3 CD. I'm like, what the fuck is that? How I do this? And now all of a sudden I'm getting a flip phone and MP3 player. So anyways, I would highly recommend checking out like some of all of his shit and like alternate takes and stuff.

What the fuck is the name of it? Now, of course, they're not going to show me the name of the fucking thing. Are they? It's called make it funky, for God's sakes. I even like his shit in like the seventies, when it's kind of over, like everybody's moved on to like disco and shit and everybody's ripped them off and stuff. And he's still fucking like AC DC. He's just doing what the fuck he does.

All right. Let me see. Yeah. Make it funky dash the big payback 1971 to 1975. I get that album. I would download that shit and listen to that man. It's fucking incredible. And I don't know.

Anyways, I'm fucking, I'm already thinking of drums, drum songs I want to fucking be able to play. Speaking of which, I think I'm doing the goddamn comedy jam next month at the Roxy. I think it's January 22nd. Is that a Tuesday? Is that a Tuesday? Let's see here. Let's see here.

It's a Monday to the 22nd or the 23rd. And the fucking song Josh Adam Myers wants to do because I want to do this fucking song and it's just like, it's like, dude, I want to go there and have a good time. I don't want my fucking arms to be falling off. He wants to do this fucking Iron Maiden song, one of those Clive Burr ones. We either your arms or your foot is going to fucking fall off. Like I'd love to do a cover of the prisoner, but that one, whether he does those four bass drums in a fucking row on a good day, I can get that.

But in front of a room full of people, while I'll be in my head, be like, oh my God, don't tighten up. I know it's just going to fucking, I'm going to shit the bed. I'll pay like two and a half and the whole band's going to look back and mean smile. Like, yeah, you're just a comedian. I don't want to go through that, you know, I want to live the lie. Like I'm actually, I could have like lied to myself that I could have done this professionally. That's all you want out of your hobby, right?

You don't give a fuck about getting compliments at your job. It's all about your fucking hobby. Really appreciating that you'd be a goddamn neurosurgeon. Oh my God, I can't believe the way you replaced my brain. I just want to thank you. And the guy's not even thinking that he's not even fucking, you know, I mean, not even hearing it. He's not even listening to you.

And then somebody comes walking in and like, Hey, doc, did you put this ship in this bottle? That's amazing. And the guy's same guy's just like, really? My wife doesn't support me and says I'm bad at it anyways. I fucked up people. I went to a goddamn CVS and I bought the wrong fucking disposable fucking razors. I should have gone to Dollar Shave Club and I didn't just in a spur of the moment, I'm like, there's some cheap razors.

I can need to shape my fucking head when I'm on the road. And you can't, as my experience, you cannot have three blades when you shave your head because you're going to hack up the back of your head. You need the two blades. So now I got like three packs of these fucking things. And so next time I do a show in LA, if I remember, I'm bringing them. I'm just going to give them away to somebody in the crowd because I'm not fucking going to fucking throw them out.

Jesus Christ, dude. I was getting patient in the end when I do the back of my head, but after you shave your head, then you got to go over it one more time to make sure you didn't miss anything. And that's the time I cut my head. I just go, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, fuck. And then it's just like, Jesus Christ. You know, I got like three hacks on the back of my head, you know, fortunes on the back of my head.

So people come out to my shows this week. I'll be very stiff, you know, just sort of walking, so I don't show the back of my goddamn head. All right. What am I talking about here? We're 20 minutes in. Jesus Christ. Just like that.

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Where do I go? Well, I swear to God, I'm so sorry I wore my invisible line. I'm so sorry you had to listen to my teeth get a little straighter during this entire thing. You know what? I actually looked up positive news and I found this thing, the good news network, man. God damn it if they don't have good news. You want to say some positive news here, let's end on a positive note.

Good news in history, December 14th, on this day, 40 years ago, Saturday Night Fever premiered starring a young John Travolta as a champion dancer with all his date rapist friends. There's something positive, I'm going to put my little negative spin on all of this. Burger King Drive-Thru Worker goes viral after helping a diabetic woman. Well, what in the fuck did he give her on the menu? Or is that a her? I think that might be a her. And I think that's a her.

Guy shows you how to use Amazon Prime to instantly help the homeless. Okay, there's some fucking advertising laid in as a positive fucking story. Needle Free and Jackson's. Is this just all fucking commercials? That was a Burger King commercial. This isn't positive. Oh, an historic announcement. World Bank says it will no longer finance oil and gas exploration.

The bank is walking away from oil and gas exploration. Are they going to give the oil companies the sun? All right, the World Bank has just announced their groundbreaking decision to cease all investments in oil and gas exploration over the course of the next two years. This, this can't be true. In two years, they're going to have no money to drill for oil. We're going to flip over to fucking solar that quickly.

The announcement comes as a welcome follow-up to the, you know, it kind of helps if you're reading positive news to not have a negative, fucking, I like to think I'm more cynical. See how, see how much sugar is in honey, maple syrup and agave nectar. Mazda announces gasoline engine using compression ignition. Why your pet looks like you and vice versa. How to pack light for easy travel. I don't know what I, I don't know where I am right now on the internet, but

I kind of like it. This is, this is the kind of light news that I like. Why does my pet look like me? Speaking of which, Clio was in town this week. I got to take her three days in a row. I got to take her on hikes. And I got to tell you man, I still love that dog with all my heart, but I made the best decision of my life.

She's now living with my trainer who has the skills. The dog has never been happier. She's never looked more relaxed. And for the first time in her life, she's actually friends with another dog. How amazing is that? Off leash, you know, going up, you know, smelling each other, you know, she's probably about a month and away from laying in the sun with another dog, just being happy as hell.

And I wish I had the skill set to get her there. God knows I didn't. Thank God I did what I did. And it's great that my trainer, whenever he comes back to Los Angeles, always brings her along. And it's fucking awesome, man. It's really awesome. I'm so happy for her.

Although I still miss her. Still miss that dog. Anyways, but it had a happy ending, just like goodnewsnetwork.org. Okay, the announcement of the World Bank comes as a welcome follow up to the financial institution's decision to drop all investment. In the coal industry back in 2010. Now, after years of pressuring from environmentalists, the World Bank will withdraw up almost a billion dollars in annual loans

from oil and gas groups. Well, this is just a World Bank. It's not every bank. So I'm sure Chase and Wells Fargo will gladly take that business that they just dropped. Related news. Elon Musk's record breaking battery was just switched on in Australia. This will be the tipping point. This will win when, you know, we're not going to have a fucking world without water.

We're just not going to do it. Okay, I refused. I can't walk around with a kid thinking that that's going to happen. What's going to happen is basically this is just a bad 120 years or whatever. Where we went in a direction. We zigged when we should have zagged. Nobody's fucking wrong. All right, quit pointing fucking fingers at different colored ties.

Let's all get on the same fucking page. It's a great way to, I don't know. I don't know. What the fuck do I know? I'm not a goddamn scientist. My old thing is let's stop fucking spending a billion dollars a month to fight the fucking the R gang from the little rascals over there. You know, they're bankrupting us.

You get over here. You go fucking solar, right? And then those people, first of all, you don't even need to bankrupt ISIS. The second we leave, they're just going to go back to killing each other. Just like when Russia, when Russia left fucking, when Russia collapsed in the early nineties, I'm really going on a limb here. I really don't know much about world history. But when Russia left Eastern Europe, right?

After they collapsed and all those people got their fucking freedom again and everyone's like, Oh, this is great. All these poor oppressed people, they, they picked up fights that I'd never heard of. Because my entire, you know, that whole Bosnian Serbs, that whole fucking horrific thing that happened over there. I guess that shit was going on. And then Russia came in, they had a common enemy. They were fighting Russia for the whole fucking time.

And then the second they leave, they started right back up with their Hatfield and McCoy shit, you know? So, which is always good. A war is always good. That's another, it's a very pro environmental. I actually know because the light fucking oil fields on fire and all of that shit. I don't know, whatever, something, something will happen. Something will happen.

I'll fix it up, you know, or maybe enough robots will come along and they'll kill enough of us. You know, is there any good news on this website about robots? You know what it's really going to take to turn this shit around? It's going to take people like Elon Musk. Not saying this guy's a fucking saint. All right. I'm just hoping he has a better product. They have to start bribing politicians the way oil companies and banks do.

All right. That's what they have to do. They got to get the electric people have to get the politicians on the take. So, when the Obama's and their fucking, their run as president when they go around and they give their speeches, you know, their big payback fucking tour, they would actually go to these companies instead of the fucking oil companies and the big banks and all of that type of shit. That's all it is. There, right there.

Did you hear what I just said, people? I just solved the world's pollution problems, our financial problems, and our energy crisis, all in one, one minute string of sentences that was not even remotely really researched. Okay. And that's what you should be coming here for. I'm going to make you feel better. I will, I'll give you good news. Dude, by the way, my condolences to Philadelphia Eagle fans.

All right. I, I finally just watched that fucking Eagles Rams game, which was absolutely, and it's just a great fucking game and all these fucking assholes are sitting there. Oh, ready to go to fucking in a field. No, you know what it is? You weren't really a fan. That's what it was. Okay.

And what happened was too many of the fucking sex symbols, the quarterbacks went down this year. And I think that that's why the product's going down. That's why the product's going down. All right. Aaron Rodgers, Andrew Luck, now Carson Wentz is out. You really have to enjoy football to watch all their backups come in and play. And what's great about when they go down is then you get to see like, how good a head coach do they have?

Can he design a game plan that can fucking deal with the fact? Like Bill Belichick did when we had Freddie Fingers there when fucking, who the fuck were that guys? Phil Mushnick, what the hell was his name? No, he went to Kansas City and everybody was all excited, including Paul Versey, saying the guy was a franchise quarterback. And I was saying, dude, he was driving a fucking Lamborghini. He was driving a Lamborghini in fucking New England.

Now, now they just gave him a Z28 and it's going to look the same way. He's going to, he's not going to look the same. The hell was the guy's name? I want to say his first name was Carson, considering somebody's fucking people's name, quarterback names are Carson. The Carson Wentz out for the goddamn season. I'm going to, I'm going to retweet it. Did you guys hear that Eagles fan calling the sports show and he started crying?

Just like, I mean, wait, what's it going to happen for us, man? There's no way if you're a, if you're a Boston sports fan, you're like over the age of like 40. You know exactly. I remember, I had a buddy of mine after the Aaron Boonholm run called up and he was like in tears. I mean, just one year. I just wanted one year. I just want to say his winner. I mean, he's asking too much of me.

Jesus Christ. They got 26 championships, right? Then all of a sudden it's always, it's always darkest before the dawn, you know. And now look at us. Now we're, now we're the fucking spoiled rich kids with all the goddamn championships. So, um, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you, but I swear to God, I'm really starting to believe that Philadelphia, Kansas city and San Diego, like they built their stadiums on some like

ancient Native American burial ground or something. I, there's no other way to explain. And it really comes to, it's not that they lose. It's the way that they lose. It reminds me of being like a Red Sox Patriots and all, and Bruins fan growing up. We had the Celtics, thank God. But it was just like all of those teams, they didn't have the decency to just suck. They had to get right there.

And when everybody was watching and they, then they had too many men on the ice, bucky dent, roughing the passer, you know, whatever the fuck, you know, our fucking Bill Parcells announces to the team before the Super Bowl. I'm not going to be back next year. I'm selling my house that fat tuna cunt. Who, by the way, never won shit without Bill Belichick overrated under overrated Bill Parcells. Oh, Bill, you're going to get some shit on that one. I don't think he's fucking overrated.

It just pissed me off that he had a fucking goddamn temper tantrum about that because, you know, because the owner overruled him and made him draft Terry Glenn, rest his soul, who they then, then everywhere Bill Parcells went after. He fucking brought Terry Glenn. But when he was in New England, he was like, dude, you want me to cook the meal? I got to buy the groceries. Yeah.

Well, from the looks of you, you're eating everybody else's fucking meal. Anyways, plowing ahead here. And I didn't throw Cleveland in there and I won't throw Cleveland in there because I don't have any sympathy for Cleveland sports fans. The way I don't have, I never had sympathy for fucking Cubs fans. Just because everybody gives a shit about you. They're always doing stories about how fucking sad you are. People give a fuck.

You know what I mean? You like that little kid that fell down and his mother was right there to hug him and kiss him. That's what Cleveland fans are. Nobody gives a fuck about Philly fans. Nobody gives a shit about what's going on in Kansas City. Nobody gives a fuck about everything that happened to the Charger fans. The weather's perfect. Fuck them.

Nobody cares. And then the team left. Nobody cares. All right. I love the Browns. I fucking, they fucked up their uniforms though. And their quarterback has my favorite quarterback name in the league right now, the Sean Kaiser.

African American, yet possibly a Nazi. I mean, how do you beat that? How do you beat the duality of that? Um, anyways, what am I doing? I think that's the end of the podcast. Did I, did I talk about everything that I want to talk about? Oh, by the way, coming up, I can't believe this. This will be my 10th Rose Bowl in a row.

I'm in double digits. And if I keep going, that means at some point when I die, they're going to, I'll be that old guy that they announced, you know, in an old Billy Bird, but we went to 47 Rose Bowls in a row. I was actually thinking if I live to 100, I'll have gone to 60 in a row or 61. Oh my God, how close to the fucking stadium will I have to park? We'll have to, you know, you park on a golf course, they literally have to send a golf cart out to me.

Um, and by the way, I am really fighting not going off the wagon for one day that day. I keep going back and forth. Like I'll just go off one day, one day I'll get fucking hammered. And then I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, because I want to go, I want to go a whole calendar year, January, right through to December without boozing. And that would put me at 501 days and then next year's Rose Bowl. Not this one, the next one, I would come off the wagon. I don't know what, I have no idea.

I haven't, I haven't figured it out, but um, let's just put it this way, I'm getting weak. Hey, you guys, let me know some good MP3 players if you don't mind. Oh, by the way, Santa Steve Simone, Santa Steve, Steve Simone, and regular hero are raising money again this year for children fighting cancer in their families. Monday morning podcast listeners help raise 15 grand last year around last time around and it, I don't know, they just fucked up the, we raised 15 grand last year and had a huge impact on a lot of families.

Their stories are brutal. We're going to spare you their stories and every little bit helps. This goal, the goal this year is we're going to try to raise 50 grand. I'm going to tweet the link today, retweet it, I should say. Thank you for everybody who's been helping out. All right, is that it? Oh, I never talked about the Yankees getting Giancarlo Stanton. All right, and I know what you guys are thinking.

I'm going to be frothing at the mouth. I'm going to be talking about Derek Jeter in the front office. If the Patriots did some shit like this, they'd waterboard us. Fuck all that. All right, I still will always hate the Yankees, but like I can't get mad at that fucking move. All right, they, they're doing everything I wish the Red Sox were doing. They built from their own system.

They have a young team that way over achieved. I mean, even without Giancarlo, I was like, these guys are going to get number 27. They got 26 or 28. They're going to get number 28 within the next five years. That's what I saw this year. And now they added this guy. And basically their whole fucking team is from their own system,

essentially, especially all their great players. This guy became available and they went out and got him. Who gives a fuck? My team, the Red Sox, we've been buying up the league forever. Like the Yankees were like that fucking person that your mother said, don't hang out with them. He's a bad influence. And then we secretly hung out with them anyways.

And then we ended up doing what they were doing. Now we're hooked on the junk and they went into fucking rehab, but we're still strung out trying to fucking buy a championship and they're building one old school shit. And then they're adding a free agent. I don't have a fucking problem with it. And plus, the fact that it came from the Miami Marlins, who their ownership, I don't know if it's the same one,

historically does this, puts together a good team, then they win a World Series, and then they just dump the whole fucking team constantly fucking over their fans. And I actually liked how honest Jean Carlos Stanton was about it. So, and it's also, it's good when the Yankees are good. So, I don't have a problem with it. And I don't think there was some sort of collusion with Derek Jeter.

I don't think there was that. You know, I don't think he's the main guy in there. And knowing him, I bet he was concerned, like this is gonna make me look bad, which never happened in his entire fucking career. So he's probably thinking, I don't need to start now. I mean, this isn't like when Kevin McHale sent Kevin Garnett to the Celtics.

I mean, if I'm gonna get mad at this, then what about the Celtics in 2008? So, what are you gonna do? That's how the fucking game is played. I'm sick of being a grumpy old man. Congratulations to the Yankees and your new fucking guy. Now we gotta go buy somebody that can strike out. You know what was funny though?

As my buddy, Verzi, was like, oh, the Yankees, you see what they did? They never disappoint. This was the same guy flipping out when KD went to the fucking Golden State Warriors. It's a great move by the Yankees. It's not good for baseball to have a fucking MVP leaving Miami. That's their guy.

He should have retired with them, but you have to blame the fucking ownership on that one. It seemed like he wanted to stay. I read a great article where he was saying, listen, I don't wanna rebuild. I wanna move forward. Let's get some pitching. We got a great fucking team.

And they were like, no, no. We're just gonna make money off of people coming down to watch you hit home runs as you lose fucking 100 out of 162 games. He was like, fuck that, I'm out of here. So good for him. All right, that's the fucking podcast. Old Freckles is 119 days in,

and he's starting to get the shakes here. This is the deal. If I can just get past the Rose Bowl, I think... Look, I gotta go, six months is a good time to stop, right? I'm four months in. I think I'm gonna be doing a college tour. We're trying to put this together in February. I was gonna start possibly, the dream is on this tour

is to go to a Kansas J Hawks basketball game and a Kentucky Wildcat game. Start with Kansas or start with Kentucky, and then in Kansas or end in Kentucky, you know, bookend them with games. And I was gonna do an efforts for family college tour, you know, and hopefully get a bunch of free swag, you know, to fucking throw at the kids when I go there.

You know what I mean? That's the game plan. That's what I'm working on. But if I did that, then I'd be road dogging it. So we'd probably rent a bus, and then that would be hard. Oh, that would be a hard one. So I don't know. There's always those things.

There's always those times. We shall see. All right, that's the podcast. The Thursday afternoon podcast. I was just checking it on. You're just seeing how your fucking week's going. Happy Hanukkah to everybody. And happy pre-Christmas, Merry Christmas,

whatever the fuck I'm supposed to say. Happy Kwanzaa, happy Ozark Day, whatever the fuck you say to people. I have no idea. All right, have a great weekend. You cunts, enjoy the music. And we'll have another half hour of greatest hits from a Thursday afternoon podcast from a Thursday

in a year gone by, or possibly earlier this year, right? I don't fucking know. Well, I see this is my window, your questions that remove me. All right, well, if there's a bully, you can beat up. He's not really a bully. He's just an asshole, right? Hey, Billy boy, I'm 15 year old lad from Australia. And here's my problem.

There was a complete dickhead at my school that always picks on me. But here's a twist. I could smash the shit out of this prick. I'm 182 centimeters. That's six feet tall. 15 years old, six feet tall. He goes 74 kilograms.

That's 160 pounds for you people keep and score. And every other day, and he's about five eight, and weighs about 185 pounds. All right, so he's got your bike. He's got you by 25 pounds. But you have the reach advantage. This is the tail of the tape here. I love this.

You got a four inch reach advantage, unless he has those fucking Kevin McHale arms that are almost dragging on the ground. All right, you go, I lift weights every other day, and he's just fat. All right, you're definitely the favorite so far. He goes, but this isn't the biggest reason why I could smash this cunt.

I have about 20 years of martial arts experience. Wait a minute. You're 15 years old. How do you have 20 years of experience? Oh, he's going to break it down. I have about 20 years of martial arts experience when you add it all up. I have seven years in karate, five years in Muay Thai.

Oh, Jesus, dude, you bring those fucking knees to that fat belly. Oh my God, probably got shins like a fucking street pole. Street pole, stop sign, whatever the fuck I was trying to say. Just I pictured a telephone pole and a stop sign made out of metal, and I came up with street pole.

Look at that. I'm inventing words here. Seven years of karate, five years of Muay Thai, five years of Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Jesus Christ, standing up, going to the ground. What do you want to do in three years of MMA? He constantly calls me name like gay boy and poof, and he slaps me in the back of the head every day.

Dude, you can't have that. This has been happening for like two months now, and I haven't fought back because I'm worried about getting in trouble from teachers at my martial arts classes. Any advice is welcome. Thanks for whatever helps you, whatever help you can give me. Go fuck yourself and have a good day.

All right, sir. Well, this is the deal. You could, if you actually applied what you know, you could seriously hurt this guy, but you do have to defend yourself. So is there a way that the next time he goes to slap you in the head, you can put him in one of those fucking,

those holds where you're just holding the person's thumb, and they're all of a sudden on their tiptoes going, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right. Is there a way to just shoot one across the bow? That's what I'm suggesting. I'm not saying that you fuck this kid up and then ruin your standing with your seafoods, your senseis, your pastors, whatever the fuck you call them,

down at the dojo. Yeah, but there's no reason for you to go to school and get slapped in the back of the head and being called names, okay? So what I would do is, oh, well, why the fuck are you asking me? This is what you do. Jesus Christ, here's your solution. Talk to one of your karate masters there

and just say, listen, this is the deal. I know after everything that you've taught me that I could just mop the floor with this fat, tub of shit, but I don't want to get, you know, bad standing with you. What do I do here? Have them. Have them tell you what to do. And because they could probably suggest they know the name

or whatever that fucking, how to choke out somebody's thumb, whatever that thing is that you guys do that I wish I knew how to do. But here's the deal. One way or another, there has to be a solution with this guy slapping you. They're slapping you in the back of the fucking head. Do you not do a death grip yet?

Have they taught you that? Is that an actual thing? Why don't you do a double death grip to his mantits and twist them before he has a chance to slap you in the head? Don't listen to anything that I'm going to suggest here. Why don't you take some twinkies? What could you do with the twinkie and a martial art thing? Why don't you make some nunchuck twinkies?

So instead of slapping him in the face with a piece of wood, it's a twinkie. And it goes across his face, he's humiliated. Plus, you know, he's a fatty, so he's going to have to lick it off his face, and he'll get into that sugar rush, and his eyes will roll in the back of his head. And by the time his eyes come back down,

you're going to be across the room, and he can't slap you in the head. There's got to be something that's going to happen. There's got to be something to do. I mean, at this point, if you don't want to go physical, I would just go verbal. He's calling you gay boy and poof. I mean, why don't you just talk about his fat tits?

Just be really sincere. Just be like, just out of curiosity, how much do your tits weigh? Do you wear a sports bra? Or are you going to kind of go with the giant pocket T? And the fact that you're already this fat at our young age, like how fat do you think you're going to be when you're 40? These are just questions, sir. You know?

And then when he charges you like a rhino, just step out of the way, and he won't be able to slow down, and he'll maybe go flying into some desks. I don't know, sir, but can you please tell me how this, I would go to your dojo masters there, whatever. And I'd ask them what to do, but there's no fucking way on any level

that you should have to tolerate that. You know? I would do that. Jesus, are they going to go even really more mature? Well, I think you should talk to your teachers about it, and then you become the fucking guy who ratted it out. You know? It's like that selection.

That's like the solutions they come up to unlike the view. You just turn around, you just say, stop doing that. I'm not going to tolerate this. You know? I'm giving you like a rape whistle or something. I don't fucking know. I don't know, sir. But please let me know how that works out,

because it's bothering me that that dude is doing that to you. All right? I don't like bullies. Ah, Jesus Christ, dude. You know what I really want to tell you to do, and I'm not going to. And do it all again. Dear Bill, I've been with my boyfriend for two years now.

We're in college together, and he's currently taking a semester abroad. Oh, Jesus. We're in Brazil. Before he left, we had a running joke that I was going to need a vibrator when he left. As a surprise parting gift, he got me one. I have a couple friends whose boyfriends bought them sex toys.

So while I was a little surprised, he actually got me a vibrator. I also happen to know that it's a relatively normal. It's relatively normal for a boyfriend to do that. Yeah, that's basically like this error's chastity belt. You know, you're trying to lock down the pussy. That's disgusting. Hey, yeah, but that's what he's doing, though.

Anyway, yeah, but it's dumb, because those things, you use them too much. They numb up your area there, and then the guy can't even remotely try and, you know, do something for it. And then you got to be sitting there banging them as they're using the thing. As you know, it's like you and an alien are fucking this girl.

Is this an alien? That's just all dick. It has no body. What are you basing? All right, whatever. Let's move on. What am I basing in on? I'm basing my fucking life.

I did live a little bit of a life before I met you. I realize that. All right, anyway, fast forward to about a week ago. We were on Skype. He asked you to take this thing out. No, we don't have sex chats, thank God. And he casually asked me how his gift for me was working out. I told him it was working out pretty well.

He then mentioned that he had bought something for himself. A flashlight. Joe Rogan experience is brought to you by the flashlight every week. Those are very weird. Those are very fucking weird. They look like that thing Boba Fett fell into when he died in one of those space movies. Okay, well.

He's trying to be faithful to her. That's nice. Okay, he said, she goes, I knew what this was because I am an avid listener of Joe Rogan's podcast. There you go. Joe Rogan's come up three times in this podcast who raves about it constantly. My boyfriend had never mentioned to me

that he was interested in anything like that. And I always thought the idea of it was totally creepy. I acted like it was totally cool, but in all honesty, I really don't want him to be fucking a perfect fake. Wait, I got lost in that. I actually was thinking is Joe going to get mad that I'm saying that this is weird. Okay, I acted like it was totally cool,

but in all honesty, I really don't want him to be fucking a perfect fake vagina whenever he wants to. I'm finding myself getting crazy jealous and angry whenever I think about it. I know, I know, I'm jealous of an inanimate object which seems insane. Let me finish.

I'm really struggling with this because part of me wants to be completely okay with it since it's sort of a hypocritical, it's sort of hypocritical to get angry when he got me a vibrator. But now I'm starting to think that maybe he only bought me a dildo, so I wouldn't be able to complete

when he got himself a proxy pussy. Proxy pussy. So what do you think? Do I need to suck it up and get over this? Or is my jealousy legitimate? Thanks and go fuck yourself. That's hilarious. Oh, let him go fuck his fake pussy.

As long as he's not faking a real pussy, I mean, fucking a real pussy, then it's all good. Plus, it's not just the pussy that he's missing. He's also missing your touch and kissing and the whole other part of it too. And that fake pussy can't blow him either. No, he isn't.

He's getting right to the dessert. Don't be jealous of him. Have you tried these Brussels sprouts? Don't need them. Don't be jealous of him. Bring over the trace leche. When he comes back, it'll be even better because you both have been doing it

with inanimate objects. And so you'll be rediscovering each other all over again. It'll be even better. I don't think it's a good thing. Why? Because once you start down a path sexually, in order to get off that path, you don't just jump over onto another path.

You've got to walk all the way back up the path. You went down. Get to the fork where you fucked up and then head down the other one. What I'm saying is he might get used to just doing that. And the sensation of that is what gets him off. And then when her pussy doesn't feel like the flashlight, it'll feel better.

He'll bang her and then when he needs to finish, she'll be like, all right, and now for me. And what that fucking thing. Now she'll feel even better. If anything, he'll be like, oh my god, I forgot what a real woman feels like. And he'll be done in like two minutes or something. That's what you hope.

I don't think she should be jealous of it though. They're both doing the right thing when you're in a relationship and you're that far apart from each other. Because he could be out. I bang all sorts of hairy European girls. No offense to hairy European girls. But I'm just saying, you know.

Listen, I watched this thing one time or listened to it on the radio. One of those call in sex shows. And this guy had a way he jerked off was he dry humped the rug. It was causing like chafing on his dick. And it was the only way he could get off because he wasn't in a relationship for a while.

And he kept doing that. And I don't know. So I'm just saying, like I would go easy on those. It's like anything, anything in moderation. Yeah, how often is he using this? And how often is she using that? If you use a vibrator too much, you numb yourself up down there.

And then when you guys down there, you can't feel anything. It's so disgusting. This is all you can do. That all I got. Read upon yourself. See it in your mind. This is all I got.

This is my fortune. This is my fortune. This is my fortune. This is my fortune. Read to me the one you need. Read to find yourself. Read to share in your mind. This is all I got.

This is my fortune. This is my fortune. This is my fortune. This is my fortune.