Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-16-21

Episode Date: December 16, 2021

Bill rambles about Indianapolis, songs about Jane, and cold remedies. Music Interlude: Vels Trio - Ochre Pt. 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tYN_b5mWbI Thursday Afternoon Podcast: start - 35:41 Anything Better NFL Preview:  35:42 - 1:05:24 'Why Are You Going to Indianapolis Bill': 1:05:25 - 1:24:57 Throwback 12-16-21: 1:24:58 - end Go to LIQUID DEATH.com/SLASH BURR to get free shipping on all water and merch. Start building better habits for healthier, long-term results. Sign up for your trial at Noom.com/MMP.

COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back. Truth is, our community deserves better. Better resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted.

Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on ya. Just checking in on ya.

Seeing how your life's going. You know, something, I have such an amazing life. I feel like it's time to give back to you guys. You know, I'm just sitting here going, thinking to myself, what could be better than flying to Indianapolis in the middle of December? You know, the Patriots are playing the Colts at Lucas Oil Field Stadium there, right?

The game starts at seven. My show starts at seven. I can't go to the fucking game. You know what's even better? What is even better is I have a fucking Colt. I mean, this is the life that I am living right now. And I feel guilty and I want you guys to know that at some point in the future, I am going to give back,

but I want credit now for just having had the thought that I'm thinking about you guys on some level. I really am. My heart breaks for everyone out there. You know, because, sorry. I live out here in LA and the weather's great and we never get Colts. I just made me think, who am I to complain

that I'm going to Indianapolis with a Colt? There are people that have to live there year round with Colts. Oh, fuck it with you. Indianapolis is actually one of the ones. I like it. The highway system is extremely confusing. I got a giant fucking freeway

that goes all the way around it. You don't know which way you're going. You're looking at the sun. You're like Henry Hill looking for helicopters. You're trying to figure out what, which way you're fucking going. But downtown area, little scary, you know? Little less foot traffic than I would like.

One of those ghost town kind of things. But when it's open, when it's open, all them cord fed people are walking around. Last time I went there with Verzi, they got a, I know they have a really good cigar bar somewhere out there. I also know that they got this famous place where you're going to get prime rib

and they have horse radish, extra horse radish on that motherfucker. I can never say horse radish without saying that since I watched the wire. When he was confessing to all those murders. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, I might do that. It just sucks that I have a fucking cult

because I gotta tell you something here. Like I have, my ancestors are from that part of the country when my ancestors came over here, the joinments, they all settled, I think in Indiana or whatever. So, you know, there was a farm or something we had out there for many, many years. And I think like 20 years ago, my mother asked me, said it was going up for sale

for the first time and I don't know, like a hundred years it wouldn't be in our family name. Did I want to buy it? And I didn't have the fucking money. Also, I was like Paul Sorvino and the fucking good fellows say, oh, what do I know about running a farm? He bought the farm.

What did that always mean? He bought the farm. Did that mean you were always in debt your whole life? And then when you died, your life insurance, you finally were able to pay off your farm. Is that what it meant? Let's look it up, shall we? But I like Indiana.

It's kind of like Wisconsin without the serial killers. They don't have as many lakes, but you know, you can take comfort in knowing that your neighbor isn't going to make, you know, turn you into a lamp after he's done fucking your corpse. That's Wisconsin, but you know, Wisconsin has great milkshakes. You know what I mean?

They're not like Michigan driving cars into fucking parades or was that Wisconsin? I get them confused at this point. You know, you wouldn't think there was anybody nice in Wisconsin or Michigan or any place the way the fucking news covers it. All right, he bought the farm expression origin. There we go, here we go.

What does it mean by the phrase bought the farm? It comes from a 1950s era Air Force term meaning to crash or to be killed in action. And it refers to the desire of many wartime pilots to stop flying, return home, buy a farm, and live peaceably ever after. Wow, I was 100% wrong. What a surprise.

Air Force term meaning to crash or to be killed in action and refers to the desire of many wartime pilots to stop flying. But who wants to fly when you're getting fucking shot at? Are you dropping bombs on people going, oh, I hope they landed on the right ones. Return home, buy a farm and live peaceably ever after.

Oh, so they would just say, oh, he bought the farm. They get it. Where is he? Oh, he bought the farm, acting as though he went home to live his dream when he really died. Wow, let's here's another one. Let's see, the New York Times, March, 1954,

or later played in the glossary of jet pilots, slang, bought a plot, had a fatal crash. Oh, there's a bunch of different explanations here. Simple past 10 and past particle to buy the farm died often refers to death in battle or by plane crash. It's definitely, it's definitely, there's a number of theories. He bought the farm.

So funny bastard said that on the Air Force base and now nobody knows where it came from. Isn't that interesting? Isn't that interesting? And this is what I mean by giving back is I'll say things and I won't know what they mean. And then I'll look them up for you. Is that giving back?

I don't understand. So anyway, I'm coming out there to Indy and Indianapolis, I've always had such weird experiences when I go there. Obviously, if you listen to any podcast, I sat next to that guy who fancied himself to be part of the CIA kept asking me why I was going to Indianapolis

and press the button while we were taxing to try and stop us from going somewhere. And then when I got to Indianapolis one time, I remember I was playing this theater. There was two theaters in the same building and the one downstairs was the smaller one. That was the one that I was playing and the one upstairs was Sesame Street Live.

And but we shared the same stairwell. Maybe it was next door. And all I know is like the door opened to where they were. And I saw Bert and Ernie and all these guys. I was like, oh, shit. And I filmed them and Bert starts walking towards me and I thought he was waving like, hello. They're like, oh, hey, Bert's coming over to say hello.

You know, doing his laugh and shit. And he came walking up. I thought he was waving. He was doing the stop filming thing and he slammed the door in my face. This giant Bert, he was like fucking, you know, the big fucking head and all that. He shut the door in my face.

And I was just like, oh, shit. I guess Ernie really is the cool one, right? So I ended up posting the video and then the Sesame Street people got back to me and said, I didn't own the rights to the video I had to take. So I took it down. I was like, what the fuck do you mean

I don't own the fucking rights to what you cunt? It's my cell phone. I had a right to be there and you should have closed your green room door. Get mad at Bert, you know? Oh, Bert was the only one on it. Ernie was over there fucking around, but whatever, they were all in there.

And somewhere in one of my laptops, I still have that video, but this is what kills me. You know, everybody's taking video and you take all these fucking pictures of your kids and everything. And then they update the fucking, it looks clear and it looks great. Then they update the phones

and then your picture isn't worth this shit anymore. So like, I don't understand. What are you supposed to be doing here? Like I'm taking all these pictures to save them. What? So they'll be all like pixelated and it's like back to the future and people are fading away.

All of these videos that I'm taking of my kids. I don't know, it's weird. My daughter said something fucking hilarious today. I was driving her to school and she goes, hey dad, sometimes lepers want to be alone and they climb trees. And I'm like lepers? She goes, yeah, lepers.

I go, I think you mean lepers. She goes, no, it's lepers. And I was thinking, all right, well, you know, they got that fucking skin disease. They're shunned by society. I kind of like that. That's a strong move by a leper. Well, I don't fucking need you either.

I'm gonna go up here and sit in this fucking tree. You know, this tree doesn't judge me. Well, even if it did, it doesn't have the option not to. It's just for to sort of stand there. Jesus Christ, I always think that whenever there's a Christmas tree. The day that they come up with the technology to hear trees screaming.

Oh my God, that's gonna be the end of Christmas. Just the fucking. You get your Christmas tree right after Thanksgiving like I do in an entire month. What'd you do to my legs? Ah, water, water. Fucking actually understand those things. You know, God created trees too.

And he allows that shit. He made us smart enough to fucking chop them down. He just doesn't care. I really firmly believe in that. That whatever it is just sort of made us in the left. Like, all right, we'll see how that works out. Then he went on to another world, you know? He went on to another world.

I really think God is a man, by the way. I really do. Just for the simple fact that we get shit done. We don't stand around talking about doing stuff and bitching about it and trying to manipulate other people around you to get you to do the job for them. You know, that's not what a man does. That's what a woman does.

What have women accomplished ever in history? And you can't talk about giving birth because you can't help that. If there was a way for you to make me pregnant instead of you, you would have. All right? Now I'm not trying to be like sexist here. I'm just trying to open a dialogue.

What are you talking about? We've done plenty of things. I'll tell you what my wife does. She fucking puts up with me, which is not easy. Not easy. Oh, fucking grumpy bill with the goddamn cold. Oh, look who it is. It's Noom.

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That high and dry album. I never really listened to it because you know I'm such like a fan boy. If it wasn't on MTV, I get nervous to go in deeper cuts. That first fucking, the first couple of songs there. Let it go and hit and run.

Fucking killer. Absolutely killer. I just love the lyrics too. You know, before all those goddamn miserable fucking Seattle people came in. Jesus Christ. What a bunch of mopey cunts they were, huh? No one ever talks about that.

They always just talk about how great the music is. That is true, but those were not exactly the most uplifting fucking people you ever wanted to be around, right? I know I've talked about this before, but those people in those fucking metal bands on the LA Sunset Strip, they had a lot of fucked up shit happen to them too.

They didn't dump their fucking day on you. They kept it light. Don't need nothing, but a good time. And they went back and they did their heroin in private. I'm gonna tell you about the rock stars of the 80s. They were gentlemen. They were raised right. You don't talk politics.

You don't talk religion. You don't bring up your sad fucking childhood. You know, of course they talk about some broad every rose has its own. They talk about some woman, right? What was that, what was that? Oh, what was that band? They fucking finally broke through with it here.

Was it LA Guns? That song was something about Jane. It was always Jane. Jane says. And then what's his face saying about Mary Jane? Everybody was singing about Jane. That was a popular name for a troubled woman back then. At least a fucking groupie.

Like if you named your daughter Jane in the 60s, 50s or 60s, there was a good chance that she was gonna blow a rock star. I think that that's why that name died out. Right? I don't know. I have no idea. You know what I was doing yesterday

as I'm fucking trying to get over this goddamn cold. I put on the MLB network and I was watching Nolan Ryan throw his last, no hitter. I think it was his last. He was 44. I was just seeing all these old school names. You know, Tom House. Somebody told you their name was Tom House.

You'd be like, that's not a real name. It's too simple and easy to remember. You know? Nothing about that name shines a light back onto the parents. That's why you give your kid an interesting name. Right? Soliloquy.

Soliloquy. Oh my God. Your daughter's name is Soliloquy. What? Yeah. We call her Oquie for short. Oquie. Oquie.

Sorry, Oquie. That's amazing. Now, do you act? Yes, I do. I recently had a project. Meanwhile, Soliloquy's getting fucking this shit kicked out of her. Does that even happen though?

There's too many cameras. I wonder if old bullies talk to young bullies now and they reminisce about how easy it was to fucking violate somebody back in the day. Ah, man, you bullies get rough today. Back in the day, you punch whoever the fuck you wanted to. The smaller, the better. Nobody said nothing.

All they would do was yell at the victim and say, you gotta learn how to fight back. Those were the days. I'll tell you on a good day, I'd slug six fucking third graders before lunchtime. I don't even know what I'm talking about right now, people. I'm just thinking about I gotta get on a fucking airplane. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-boo-boo. You know, I have everything that I've seen in sci-fi movies. The one thing that I wish they could come up with was the ability to zap yourself from one part of the world to another. Jesus Christ, you think this COVID's out of control now? But just for travel.

Could you imagine that? But you could literally live in Los Angeles and work every day in London. You just have to get up earlier. Right now, I could just walk through a fucking porthole out onto the streets of beautiful downtown Indianapolis. You know, we got the 500 out here, right? That's another great thing,

Indianapolis 500 out there in Indiana. You know, I was trying to see if they had any classic car shows, but they don't have that this time of year. They got a couple of dealerships out there. Fucking love those things. You know what I've been following lately? You know, old trucks and all that shit. Now I'm kind of into like those, you know,

those company cars that a guy making a certain amount of income used to drive. Like the Lincoln Mark IV. Mark IV? Was it Mark or Mark? Lincoln Mark IV. Four times the speed of sound and that's sled.

I don't think so. Let me say it was Mark IV. The silver, something in addition. That's when they had that buttoned leather seat, whatever they call it. When that button would push all the leather in, it was absolutely stunning. The guys would get that car in silver

and have like either silver interior or they'd have it red leather interior. They'd fucking drive down the street in a goddamn cloud. And they'd eat steaks and they'd smoke cigars and they'd drop off a heart attack at 58, but they were living. The Mercury Grand Marquis. You know, like they don't make cars.

They don't really like make luxury cars anymore. It seems like everything goes fast or it looks badass, but I'm trying to think of like a fat ass fucking, you know, Boss Hog car. I know Jaguar has one. Jaguar has one. BMW has like the seven series.

Let me see here. Luxury sedans. Let's see who's making one now. They'll probably say like a Lexus. Nothing like drives like a sports car. Audi A8. Lexus, IS, Mercedes-Benz. Yeah, all of these cars like haul ass.

Those fucking luxury cars back in the day, like they couldn't even get out of their own fucking way. It was all about just cruising down the road. You didn't want to drive fast. You wanted everybody to see how much money you were making. Yeah, you had to drive slow enough so you could meet the eye of some broad

walking down the fucking street and she knew. She saw that fucking leather interior and she's like, oh my God, those pockets are deep over there, baby. Fucking pockets are deep over there, man. I don't know, if you're wondering if I'm slowly losing my mind during all of this shit, you're right. I am. I am.

I know I'm gonna have good shows though. I do know that. Now where the fuck is my Reads for this week? Oh, Jesus. I don't have any Reads. I don't have any advertising. Was there somebody that I upset? Did something happen?

Oh, well, there you go. I do have to tease this. I did a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast with Jim Gaffigan a month ago. And it starts off with talk and comedy. And by the end, I was only supposed to do a half hour. I think we did like an hour and a half or hour and 45 minutes. We were just trashing each other.

And it was the fucking most fun I've had with another comic in a long, long time. And Jim has a new special coming out on Netflix. So next Monday, I will be, I'm actually taking the day off because I recorded that thing a month ago, which is kind of an interesting idea for me. I should start doing that more often,

pre-recording a guest. And then, because what's now what's happening is when I go to Indianapolis, I don't have to bring my podcast shit. It's the little victories, people. You know, when I go through security, what is that? Is that a weapon? It's a microphone.

Why do you have a microphone? Because I do a podcast. Oh, really? Why do you do a podcast? Because I'm lonely. Because I wasn't good at math. I don't know. Why do you rummage through people's bags?

Because I'm saving your fucking life! All right, fair enough. Fair enough I get it. There's no reason to get hostile. You know what's great about having a cold and telling people about it on the podcast is then you get to learn all everybody's fucking cold remedies.

I need a remedy, remedy, remedy. I remember one long time ago, somebody said, the second you blow your nose, that's when you get the cold. So if you just don't blow your nose, it's just like... Are you really that fucking stupid? You know, laying down right now is not working for me. It really isn't. All right, let's look up for cold remedies.

Cold remedy! I've got a sneeze. I'm gonna sneeze. Shortest duration, less than severity of cold, backed by science. Well, it says it's backed by science. It's got to work! It's the only way to blow your nose on a podcast so you just have to commit to it.

You gotta commit to it. Umka, nature's way. Make your way to feeling better with homeopathic ingredients and a variety. Umka, this shit doesn't work. None of this shit. If somebody cured the fucking cold, you know what I'm saying? If somebody actually cured this shit, you'd never hear the end of it.

You know, if I was president right now. Okay, and I was aware that I was actually president. I like this guy that we have. Which, by the way, Paul Verzi has the greatest thing. There should be an age limit about when you can be president. You know, I think like 55 is a great age. You know, you can't be too young because then you're like Bill Clinton just banging horns in the pool

and you're not getting anything done. You gotta be like 55. You're on the other side of it. You know? But you're not like, I don't know, like some fossil. Like Trump and this fucking guy, Joe Biden, right? You need like 55. Maybe that's how they do it.

You can only be president if you're 55 to 63. And you're a man. That's it, right? Hey, by the way, I don't want to get petty here, but when was the last time there was a bald president? Let me see this here. Let's see, let's look this up. This is how I use the Internet.

The last bald president. Okay. Let me see. Oh, now they're getting so good with those goddamn hair systems. All right, search. Search for the fucking thing. The president and board kind of... Oh, Jesus Christ.

Did I have to say of the United States? Do you remember that band, the presidency of the United States? I fucking sucked it and I sucked it. Then I fucking sucked it and I fucking sucked it. She loved, she loved. The last board president... Oh, it said board. Bald.

How are you bald and you don't know how to spell it? The last bald president of the USA. Let's see. Dwight D. Eisenhower. Great call. It has been nothing but hair ever since. The last bald president almost goes back as far as the last time the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup.

I'm sorry to everyone in Toronto. I'll be there next summer. Dwight David Eisenhower. Or David Dwight Eisenhower. He went by Dwight, you know. If he was president today, they'd call him Dwight Eisenhower. How many bald presidents have there been? Let's see.

I bet there was a lot more of them back in the day when they didn't have hair systems, you know. Back when Ben Franklin thought he looked good. I know he wasn't a president, but you know, it's kind of like with baseball, like how back in the day when it was just white people and they played without baseball gloves and shit, like three guys a year would hit 400.

Then it became one guy every three years and then it just became 10 Williams did it in 1946 and no one ever did it again. That's like bald presidents. All right. Three, for a proper answer, we would have to define what we mean by bald. And specifically, you know what it is, the fucking horseshoe.

I define bald as having no hair at the highest point of the skull. Okay. Okay, John Quincy Adams, bald. Martin Van Buren, bald. Dwight Eisenhower, bald. Honorable mentions. John Tyler. He was starting to lose it.

He was hanging in there. James Polk. Dude, that's a fucking, he looks like a poet. James Garfield is bald. He absolutely is bald. Warren G. Harding. Nah, he looks like the fucking head of Chrysler. Calvin Coolidge.

Yeah, all these guys are just losing it. Herbert Hoover. James Garfield and Rutherford B. Hayes. I don't know. Man, that's some names that all died out. Is there one fucking normal name under that? It fascinates me. Martin Van Buren.

Dwight Howard. John. John 13, 316. They're still quoting his work. James, that's stuck around. Another James, Warren. Warren Potsey Webber is the last Warren that I knew. Calvin.

That's a cartoon now. Calvin Herbert. You know, you can have that as a last name, the big quarterback of the charges, but nobody has that fucking name. There's another James, Rutherford. Jesus Christ. Chester.

Chester, you need a fucking horse, Chester. Rutherford B. Hayes. That is a great, fake fucking name. You know, if you ever slip into a party that you're not supposed to be at, you kind of get busted when they ask you what your fucking name is, you should go by Rutherford. Don't say B. Hayes.

They don't fucking, you'll get caught. Rutherford H. Salisbury. One of those blue blood names. Even they went away from those fucking blue blood names, huh? They were getting all fucking nervous. You can tell by your name how much money you have. Blue, this last thing, I'm going to look up and then mercifully end this podcast.

Blue blood names. Blue blood names. We'll be right back with blue blood names. That's hilarious. It says Tom Selleck, Donnie Wahlberg. There's a show called Blue Bloods. 49 preppy baby names. Oh, I love it.

Let's go nice and white here. What do we got here? Digby. Digby, Jesus Christ. That's just someone, you know, even looking at him, his family's going to fucking sue you. No matter what he does, he hits you with his car

and he sues you for debt in his fucking car and there's nothing you can do. Connery. Adam Yates. That's a fucking name. Aldrich. Whitaker. I don't know the Whitaker. I knew it was a little Whitaker.

Bronwyn. Thompson. Tilly. Tilly, you fucking stuck up. Tigue. Niles. I like Niles. Wilson.

Merritt. Margo with an AUX. Bradford. Palmer. Darcy. Tinsley. Poppy. Ellison.

Vance. Thatcher. Briggs. Briggs is a good fucking name. Briggs? That's an old English name that translates to Bridges. That's a fucking strong name. Briggs.

It's a name and a nickname all at the same time. Tiger State. It used to be Briggs Stadium. Kingsley. Blaine Blair. You take the good, you take the bad, you take the both of them. There you have the facts of life. Quincy.

Now they're going all old school shows here. Rowland. Great drums. Electronic drums, best electronic drums in the business. Okay, I'll read two more. Lennox. Enlighten. Sterling. Davis. Keaton.

Sloan. Ainsley. Reed. Brooks. Finley. Corbin. Sorry, I can't stop. Graham. Emerson. Tucker. There's a lot of Tuckers. Speaking of Tucker,

I am tuckered out from this podcast. I don't know how I do it, people, but I always land on my feet. Before we get out of here, let's, you know, me and Paul Verzi, a couple of degenerate gamblers. We do the Bet MGM segment each week where me and Paul Verzi

pick four NFL games. And not like these bums and these other sports shows where they're betting the money line. We bet against the spread. Like a real bet. Against the spread. Like a real man does it. And so far this year,

me and Paul Verzi, we are like combined. We're both over 500 against the spread. 14 fucking weeks in. So you do the God, you do the fucking math. That's 56 fucking games. And we're still up

on Bet MGM, and you could be too. If you listen to the two bald idiots you're about ready to listen to right now. What's up everybody, and welcome back to the anything better NFL preview show sponsored by Bet MGM. You guys know we use Bet MGM,

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get $50 off. And that's it. Bet to use for this week's games. As a reminder, Bet MGM is finally coming to Louisiana while sports betting isn't live quite yet. You could sign up early for Bet MGM. Just use bonus code BR or $200 free bets.

No deposit required to use sports betting live in Louisiana. I love that they held out and made sure they got the best deal. Now, this is what's going on here. I was actually thinking about this.

I was actually thinking about this and I'm pretty impressed. Now, Bill is a little more, I would say this. I don't want to speak for him, but Bill's a little slightly more humble than me. Now, I would say slightly.

You know, Bill, listen, I don't do a crazy NFL touchdown dance. Bill hands the ball right off to the official. I do a quick thing. I have to do a quick thing. No, I don't do a full break dance. No, no.

Only because you can. But if you could, you would. But let's just talk. Let's just talk about what's going on here. Okay. So after week 14. After week 14 with us picking four games

a week against the spread going into week 15. Okay, Bill Burr 31 24 and one. He went two and two last week. He stayed even. So he's where he stayed over 500.

Me, I did gain going three and one and I am 29 and 27. That means guys with three weeks left and I got a message from a fan saying you and Burr are making me money.

That is guys nice. We somebody said I am riding the anything better train and you two are making you're going to jinx it, Paul. You money you're waking him up. You got to keep it quiet. So we want to thank everybody

for following us. No, we want to thank everybody. What did I say? What did I say? Don't buy anything. Take it back. Pulling up in the pink Cadillac with the fucking fur coat on. Bill, it's in my mother's name. I love that car.

Can I read an email from a listener? Yeah, yes. Is a real good one. Good morning. Big fan of the podcasts. I listen while I'm walking out each morning at 4 30 a.m. I wish you were on every day. I'm a 77 year old great grandmother.

I don't use the F word. However, I'm excusing you because you're a sweetheart of a guy and I understand more. You understand more about what makes women tick than any man I've known. And I've known this went into the bills podcast. Paul, I'm sure you know a lot about women. I don't want you to feel left out here.

Listen to your picks and made a three team parlay bet with this weekend. My husband placed the bet for me. Washington Colts and Cardinals won them on your advice. My husband was impressed. She teased it up because Cardinals didn't win for me. 77 year old grandmother.

Thank you, Donna. Wow. She took your Cardinals bet and my Washington bet and teased it and ended up winning. Oh my God. Bill, this is why. No one's going to take notice of what we're doing

for a first year. They're going to say these are first year jerk-offs not knowing. So we need to come back next year and continue this but make no mistake. What we are doing is pretty damn good. Bring them on, dude. Bring them on.

They're going to say, no, everybody said we couldn't do it, man. So now here we go. We're going into week 15. We're going into week 15, Bill. Like I said, we're going to be in the 24-1. I'm in a prevent defense

knowing you're coming. I'm just trying to give up the middle of field and only lose one game a week and hopefully I'll be there at the end. I don't like this week at all. Who goes first this week? This is an odd week, so this would be me. All right.

Who do you like? I know who you like. Oh boy. Well, hold on a second. Andrew, can we just get confirmation? I don't know if that's the case now. And if that's the case, that's a big deal for Cleveland because they're playing a not-so-good

Raiders team right now, but if Baker's out, I'm done. He's out, right? Not confirmed. He's likely out. Dude, COVID is getting players in all the leagues wild. All right. See, throws a wrench in there.

Hey, you know, it's funny they wear face masks on Sunday. They can't throw it during the week, can they? All right. You know what? Nothing on the COVID joke, all right. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get this going on here.

You getting it going on, Paul? Yeah, see, I'm not even speaking right. You know what, guys? I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to ride the train and here's why. The Green Bay Packers are minus four against the Ravens, but Lamar Jackson might be out.

And the thing is Green Bay needs to keep winning to get that home field because the Bucks keep winning. Dude, this is fucking bullshit. What is this? All these guys might be in. They might be out. What the fuck am I betting on here? I know. Well, Lamar Jackson, it wasn't called. Look at some chick's Instagram picture.

You don't know what she looks like till she shows up. She fucking held the camera up here. She comes in. She's a fucking whale, Paul. That reminds me of Bartnick's joke when he says this. They just show their eyes. He goes, those are fat eyes. All right. I'm going to take the Green Bay Packers.

I'm going to take the Green Bay Packers minus four and a half on the road against the Ravens holding home field advantage. All right. It's beginning to look a lot like 2001. I'm taking the New England Patriots

getting two and a half at Lucas Oil Field playing Indianapolis. I will be there Saturday night when they're playing, but I'll be doing two shows because when you're in show business, you miss everything. Everybody's sitting around eating a fucking pot roast and you're out there, mami.

How I love you. How I love you, mami. That's the sacrifice you make. Lucas Oil Field. My fucking team is right down the street. I am in that Godforsaken city with that fucking highway that goes all the way around it. You forget which way you're going. You know, it's like you're in the Blair Wish.

You remember that? They run around the woods. You remember that? Was that his name? Doggie? I don't remember that, but I remember the Blair Wish. That's why you forget her. No, yeah. I remember her nose running.

That movie scared the shit out of me. I saw it by myself at a midnight show. Remember all these dumb comics? Man, that movie didn't scare me at all. Gee, you're so fucking tough in a movie theater. I was petrified. I was scared because the way they labeled the movie, the way they previewed it was that it really happened.

And I was like, oh, shit, man, these kids got... You know, it's weird that the... It's weird that the... It's weird that the cults are two and a half favorites against the Pats. I'm not touching that. Carson Wentz scores points. They got that running back.

I mean, you know, we'll see what happens. We had a couple of months off. He's had two weeks to prepare for him, Paul. I see what you're doing. You're going to go head to head against me, Paul. This is the Hail Mary week. I could have gotten... How mad would you have been if I picked up the Patriots first?

I don't like the game, man. I don't like the fact that the cults are minus. I don't like the shit in all over the game that I just picked. What fucking game did you pick? I don't like that game either. He's going into fucking Baltimore. Somebody's going to go on and get some crab cakes and get COVID and they're not going to be able to block fucking Aaron Rodgers' blindside.

How do you like that? I just shit all over my bed. You know what, Touche? Touche, why am I talking about your bed? I'm going to put it on my bed. You're absolutely right. I'm stalling, Bill. I'm stalling. Is that when you say Touche? Touche, yeah. Is that when you say it, though?

Touche means... When you're supposed to say, like, fair enough, I thought if you were, like, you know, arguing about history, your country's better than mine. Touche and fair enough is kind of one and the same. I don't think it is. Yeah, it is. It's exactly what it is. Touche, you got a fucking sword in your hand.

Fair enough, but we're just fucking hanging out. Touche means you're right. Fair enough means I guess you're right. It's kind of close. I mean, what do we do? Touche means that you agree. Oh, Touche. All right. You know, let's keep doing this so I could stall. You know, this is so weird.

Why are the Broncos favored against the Bengals after the Bengals? Because the Bengals have been shitting the bed, Paul. They're laying in it and rolling around their own waist. I'm taking the Los Angeles Rams. You have to see in that front four run Sunday. I like that, Nick.

To beat the hapless Seattle Seahawks. The Seahawks are done. The Seahawks are done. It's over. You never done when Russell will. You said the Chiefs were done, Paul. Chiefs are done. Look at you. She's not nearly as much confidence.

You were like, they are a bad football team. I told you, I said, you know, no, they could wake up. They're starting to wake up, Paul. There's minus four and a half at home against the flailing hapless Seattle Seahawks. Sneaky Pete has half.

Make no mistake about this. Sneaky Pete has already talked to a real estate agent. His one leg is out the door and he's looking for his new home. You think it's that bad? They're done, dude. Russell. They ship Russell Wilson out.

I think he goes to New York because he wants to people to fucking go nuts when he scores a touchdown. Everybody knows if you do something great out in fucking Seattle, half the country's asleep by the time you did it. All right. I got Rams minus four and a half at home. What do you got?

Hey, first one I got to get. I'm getting a fucking attitude from you. All right, relax. I got this. What do you got? I'll fucking take my time just like you do. I got at least I stole getting two points against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Yeah, I didn't like that game. Titans are giving. Why are you shitting all over my bets? No, no, because I always go for Tennessee. You know that. I just I was afraid. You took the ball. Good for you. Good for you. I didn't have the balls. I really didn't have the balls. I don't try to act like you.

You're being cut. You know what it is, Paul? This is a competitive side of you. You could still win, Paul. You don't have to shit on all my bets. I was trying to put the jinx on all my bets. It's annoying. No such thing. What are you going to say now? You're enough because you already used to Shay. Titans are given to, by the way.

They're giving to dude. The only time you see an ugly side of Paul Verzi is during competition. No, that's not true. He gets this look on his face and you go, why he really is Sicilian? He is like mentally whacking me right now. It's beginning to look

a lot like Christmas. I'm going to take Joe Burrow. I'm going to take Joe Burrow and the Cincinnati Bengals getting two and a half. They just lost a heartbreaker at home and this is their season against the Denver Broncos.

So give me the Bengals plus two and a half. They have to be in this game. They have to win this game. Hey, Paul, guess what? I like that pick. All right. Here's the game that we're both ignoring, Paul. The Houston, Texas versus the Jacksonville Jaguars. Those are Bill's picks.

Those are those are two teams Bill always bets with whoever's playing them and now they're playing each other. You've been on them. You've been on it. Come on. Don't just make that all about me. I don't know why I'm going to do this, Paul. Why would I do? I'm going to wait. I'm going to think about that one.

I'll go head to head with you. I'll go head to head with you. I'll go head to head with you. I'll go head to head with you. I got one for you. I'm going to take the Kansas City Chiefs. Oh, because I think you're wrong, Paul. I think at the end of the day,

Patrick Mahomes is one of the greats. Okay. And this is what the greats do, Paul. They step it up. They step it up in December. The end of the day, the San Diego, Los Angeles Chargers are still the San Diego Chargers. Just like Katelyn Jenner still Bruce Jenner.

That's all the same just because you fucking move and become the Los Angeles Rams does not mean you weren't in St. Louis. And these fucking, they got that San Diego stink on them. Qualcomm Stadium. They're still hanging over them until they exercise that demon. I was going to go head to head with you.

I was going to, I was going to take the Chargers because Justin Herbert, dude, the kid's on another thing right now. I was going to go head to head with you. I was going to, I was going to take the Chargers because Justin Herbert, dude, the kid's on another thing right now. But I just saw

the Buffalo Bills minus 10 and a half at home after losing two heartbreakers in a row. They're playing the Panthers who are completely done. They took out Cam Newton again, benched him, put another guy in. He's out? Ah, Jesus. That would have helped.

I'm taking the Buffalo Bills minus 10 and a half at home to put an absolute fucking beating on the Carolina Panthers. They're going to win that game probably by 20. There it is.

Oof, I almost took a head to head and almost lost. But how do you know you're almost lost? Um, all right, the Minnesota Vikings going into Chicago, they're getting three and a half points. I don't know anything about either one

of those teams, but I know I like their running back Minnesota. But I also like the Dallas Cowboys getting 10 and a half, going into the Giants and you want to talk about a fucking team that's just playing for fucking, I don't know, playing for a draft pick at this point?

Probably unfortunately. I'm going to go with but they always, but they always fucking get up for the Cowboys though. 10 and a half is a lot of points, Paul. It's a lot of points. Giants are home. Giants are home.

Oof. I know, that's a tough one. Are you going to take to New York? Are you going to take my New York football Giants for the first time since we've been doing this? No, they were a fucking mess, dude. No. Um,

I'm going to go 0-1-4 this week. I can feel it. This is the thing right here that's going to make me go 0-1-4. Do I take Minnesota? Or do I take Chicago? Dallas. Dallas. Dude, fuck the Cowboys. They're too erratic. Minnesota Vikings. Fuck it.

I don't like any of those picks except the Pats. All right. That's it, Andrew. Paul, if you beat me this year, the level of how not classy you're going to be, it's just going to be disgusting. That's just so not like, are you trying to prepare? What are you, I'm the

most gracious. What are you talking about? I'm a good sportsman, dude. That's in your head, man. That's in your head. We ramped it up there. I got you all the way back in the day from the beginning. Dude, I was 26 or 27

when I said that to you. I was probably drunk and it was a grudge. No, no, no, I've listened. I've noticed it. Dude, that's like an old wife. I hear it in your voice. Some of it might be my own childhood shit,

but I hear it in your voice, Paul. Something happens to you when you compete. It's funny. The only time you're not like Santa Claus. I think the childhood thing in your past is a little more what it is. I don't think so because I just said that to you, but now you're just using that as an excuse. If I was looking for

to come up with it. No, I was looking for reason why you think that and that makes more sense because if you beat me, I've been saying the whole time you're on some other channel. If I ever had you, if you beat me this year, if I ever had you mic'd up secretly in your fucking house. Oh,

you told me a phone call. You know you would. I wouldn't take it personal. What do you think I would say? I would just be like, oh, dude, you know what I would say? Fuck that orange motherfucker. Yeah, it would, Paul. It would. I would

never say fuck that orange motherfucker. You know what I would say? To be honest, if I want. Anyone that loved me in my life has I would, you know. All right, guys, there is our week 15. Here's the best part, though. Win or lose. How about this? I think this is a common ground we could both agree

on. If me and you both finish either 500 or above, that's what I want. That is a win in itself. And that means our listeners whether you win or lose is whether you fucking beat the book. If we beat the book after a GM is going down.

If we beat the book after this whole season and we made some people some money, they can't say those guys don't know what the fuck they're doing. I think they also they should send. They should issue a statement. Yeah. We said it has been a long time since two bald bastards

over 17 weeks have been picked four games a week and be above 500. All right. That's it, guys. This has been it. Yes, this has been the week 15 preview. Oh, that's right. That's right. Oh, by the way,

every week, right? Paul same. You know, here's what happens. Here's what happens when Andrew Thamless isn't here. We do a great podcast and we don't hit the record button. So he's here now and we almost missed the Monday night. I'm already thinking of switching over to Dallas, dude. I was so

pissed off that we missed another Monday night special by one thing. Bill Bill's pick of the two sacks by the Cardinals happened. Stafford my pick stafford happened and then we were just waiting for a Kyler Murray rush touchdown

and it never fucking happened. Guys we're coming close. We didn't get it showed up to play when they fucking pushed that that guy over on that first play and then the very next play. They call the penalty, but he was all over that guy again. I was like, Oh Jesus, Aaron Donald was not going to be fucking

denied. That kid is an animal 99 on the you know, for the people that don't host his will. He did he did, but listen, we did get you to two Monday night specials and we've come within one thing of happening on three or four Monday night special. We don't need to apologize.

So Bill I ask you now. So now I ask you would you care what the son of a bitch was wearing was a casino my cousin Vinny I never saw that movie when he was going to shoot a deer.

All right, Monday night is the Vikings and the Chicago Bears. Is that right, Andrew? What's the line three and a half Minnesota's giving three and a half. That's the

game that Bill just picked. So you want to give it. No, I'm getting giving Minnesota's giving three and a half. What yeah, Minnesota minus three and a half. Yeah. You want to change that last pick to the Cowboys. Listen, we're

still on the show. So you could change that pick. Yeah, whatever you want to do, Bill. Let's add drama and I'll change it so that everybody can fucking be into it. We should have kept it. But Andrew, you got to make sure you write down the so we don't get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. I'm going to take the Cowboys against your giants. I'm

sorry, Paul. I don't like. I don't like doing that to you. Oh, fuck, you know what? We got to back up quarterback Andrew. What's his name is out? Daniel Jones. They set us out again. 10 and a half points is a lot with Barclay healthy, but our offensive line stinks. Um, I

OK, so I think that Delvin Williams. What the hell's his name? What's Oh, Dalvin Cook. Dalvin Cook. Delvin Williams played running back for the dolphins in the 80s. I would he's gonna he's gonna run one in

he will run one in you run one in you will run one in for sure. Who's their left tackle? I say they call the fucking he's eligible. They throw it to him. What does that pay? Oh, God. I don't like that. I'm fucking with you. Oh, that

comes in. Dude, if that came in, you win. Um, all right. So Dalvin Cook rushes for a touchdown. You want to do Kurt Cousins over 250 yards passing or no. Can you do that?

Oh, no, you know, they're going to be it's every 25 yards. So it's got to be 2550. I think it's going to be a boring game. I don't know why those two fucking teams hate each other. It's the monsters of the midway versus the fucking concept there and all of America. And I just think

that they always play like, you know, those are never like, you know, 40 of 38 games. Maybe they are, but I don't remember it. I think I take the under, we take the under. What's the under over on it? 44 and a half right now.

It's 24 and a half by the time it comes out it could, could, could move a point, but you know, bears have a decent defense if I do that, right? I mean, the bears just gave up 45 points though. Yeah. Do you have fucking dreamboat guy there? Aaron Rogers, you got a

poster of them. Um, your bedroom wall I'll go, you know, I'll go under if you want to go on. I don't know if I like that. Paul, I don't even watch a second of football last week. I'm not going to lie to you. I had shit to do.

How about my team was off. They had a bye week. Why can I have a bye week? Justin Fields, let's do something with Justin Fields. Oh, he's one of the best kickers in the NFL, right? No, one of the, he's a quarterback of the Bears. Like I said, nobody slings it like that guy.

He's got legs. You want, can we do Justin Fields Russian for 50 yards? No, that's a lot. 40 yards. Oh, he said it's every 25. These fucking, these two teams are in the witness protection program. I don't know anybody on these fucking teams.

So how about this? Let's make it fun then. Let's make it fun. Okay. Let's bet you over. Vikings get an interception. Justin Fields going to throw an interception. So Vikings get an interception. Dalvin Cook gets a touchdown and then let's do a Bears one. What do you want to do for the Bears?

Three people have a heart attack in the stands. Sorry. Shout out to the SNL sketch. Oh. I don't want to see here. So the quarterback of the Bears throws a pick. Dalvin Cook rushes a touchdown.

I don't know anybody in the Bears. Is it Mitch Trabitsky? Is he gone? Mitch Trabitsky has been gone. Yeah. Is he playing the flamingo now? There's a reason I picture him opening for the Auschwitz. Kirk Cousins. Kirk Cousins throws a touchdown.

Yeah, I also like the over. Fuck this. Let's say it's going to be an exciting game. Over? Yeah. All right. There you go. We'll do over. So here you go for the people that's done. And the way people get up, you know, people get confused. I'm going to reiterate. Paul, just say it again.

Don't use big words. The over. We're going to go the over 44 and a half. Is it 44 and a half or 44? Andrew, 44 and a half or 44? 44 and a half. Yeah. Over 44 and a half.

Dalvin Cook rushes a touchdown. Farron of Touche. Touche. And Justin. Justin Fields throws an interception. Agree to disagree. All right. There you go. I like getting a damn cold, man,

because she took the kiss. Oh, boy. Billy sniffles. Billy sniffles over there. Well, while Billy sniffles is getting a tissue, don't forget everybody, please use the bed MGM app. It's the best, most reliable lines, the best app to bet with.

We love it and we love working with them since we've had with them. The man and a woman. That knows with Kleenex guys use toilet paper. Oh, I like that. It's all paper, right? This guy knows what I'm talking about. Back me up. I'm doing 80s comedy here.

Yeah. And women go, use the tissue. It's like, just give me whatever. I don't got fucking, I use a towel. Get me mad, Bill. Even I had to back off the paper towel. You've done rubbing your nose. You look like you did a fucking.

Dude, you look like you just got out of a UFC fight. Yeah. You look like you're bruised up and shit. Hey, dude, that chick beat that other, the Brazilian chick. I missed it. I know. We got to talk about that on the, we got to talk about that on the other one.

All right, let's wrap it up here, Paul. I'm trying to, I'm trying to fucking wrap it up. And then you're blowing your nose. Wait, you froze. Bill froze. Did we lose Bill? Okay. All right, guys. That's the deal. What's that?

That was funny. Cause as I was frozen, you were going like, I'm trying. All right. Does Paul freeze or did I freeze? Paul's trying to do something. The suspense is killing me. Well, don't worry listeners, because in January we'll be out together

in the ATC fucking studio. I'm taking Billy sniffles to dinner. Taking Thamless to dinner. I'll buy everybody fucking dinner. You think I give a fuck? Stakes on a kid. Stakes on a kid. All right, here we go.

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That has been our NFL preview show going into week 15. And I'm going to talk a little shit. We're beating the book. And we're going to keep beating the book. Until next week. Please gamble responsibly. All right. That ends the Bet MGM segment

for the week. Now we have a little music bed here that was picked out by the Wonderful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming. Oh my God.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you too. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So I get on the fucking plane, right? I use my miles, bump myself up like a fancy person, you know? Maybe I invented the cheesecake factory people are thinking, and then they see how I'm dressed and they go,

oh no, he didn't invent the cheesecake factory. And I go to sit down on my seat, and I go to set my bag down, I was going to set it down right in front of me, and the nice fella sitting next to me goes, why don't you stick it in the middle of this room? And he moved his bag out of the way, and then all of a sudden the waitress comes by.

A stewardess, whatever. She comes by, flight attendant, whatever the fuck you're supposed to call him, she comes up and she, can I get you a drink? And I was like, yeah, can I get a, can I get a water, please? Ice or no ice?

What, however you make it! Stop acting like it's a fucking martini, it's alright, just give me a water. With ice, thank you. And the guy next to me, he orders a doers, neat, no ice, no nothing, just put it in there.

So they bring our drinks, alright? And I'm really thirsty, so I start sucking mine down, and he just throws his back like it's nothing, like fucking John Wayne, before he's going to turn around and beat up three guys, three mustachioed guys in the 1930s, right?

So, I'm just sitting there, and everybody's getting on the flight, passing just, you know, fucking doing whatever I'm doing, and all of a sudden the guy next to me, Mr. Doers goes to me, he goes, excuse me, he goes,

are you afraid to fly? And I looked at him, I was like, what? He goes, are you afraid to fly? And I go, no, no I'm not. And he goes, he goes, alright, but you know, he goes, it's okay, it's okay to tell me if you're afraid to fly.

And it's immediately getting weird. And I'm like, no, I'm not afraid to fly. And then I'm thinking in my head, wait, is he afraid to fly? And that's why he's drinking the way he just drank, and now he's hoping that I'm going to be afraid to fly, so he, you know, he just wants to open up,

that's what I'm thinking. And I go, I'm like, yeah, no, I'm not afraid to fly. And he won't leave it alone, he goes, alright, because you know, you're fidgeting, you're looking around at other passengers. And I'm sitting there looking at the,

like, is this guy fucking serious? And I go, no. I go, I'm not afraid to fly. So now I'm like, fuck this guy, I'm not talking to this guy for the rest of the flight. This guy's weird, man. Just get paint to picture, he's like 32 year old,

wiry, in shape, but like wiry white dude. He's got a scully cap on with fucking glasses. You know, and he goes, like, there's like a minute of silence and people are still getting on the plane,

and then he goes, hey, sorry about that, sorry, we just got off on the wrong foot. He's like, my name's so-and-so, he goes, what's your name? And then I'm thinking in my head, like, what's my name? My name's Frank. I wanted to give him like a, by just some reason,

I just wanted, it's Bill. And he goes, nice to meet you, so we shake hands. And I'm just looking, I don't have any poker face, I'm looking at the guy like, what the fuck is your problem? I'm not even trying to not, I'm not trying to be pleasant, I'm already done with this guy. So then the guy goes,

oh, hey, Bill, he goes, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill? Like, he's fucking interrogating me, and I'm like, is this guy fucking serious? And I start doing the math in my head going, wait, is this guy like an air marshal or something? No, he's not, he's fucking slamming booze over here.

Fuck this guy. So I just go, I go, look, I don't have to answer your questions. That's it, and I just look straight forward. He goes, okay, now I'm concerned. Okay? I am concerned, and I'm looking at him like,

concerned about what? He goes, you're fidgeting, you have issues with other passengers, and blah, blah, blah, he starts painting like this, like he's been, I don't know what the fuck, like psychologically breaking me down. All right, so now just by this point, they've closed the fucking

the door to the fuselage, and we're starting to taxi. And I just finally look at the guy, and I go, I go, you know, I came up with the fight. At one point, I literally stick my hand out,

I was nervous, and I stick my hand right in front of his face, and I hold it level. Oh, that's what I did the first time, yeah. I hold it level, I go, I'm not nervous, and he goes, well, anybody can do that. And that's when I was like, fuck this guy, I'm not talking to the guy, sorry,

I fucked the story up. Then he came back, got my name, now he's going, why are you going to Indianapolis? And I finally look at him, I say, listen pal, I'm drinking waters, you're drinking doers, okay? And then he goes, it wasn't doers, what she gave me wasn't doers.

Really, what was it, some sort of spy juice? You fucking jerk off? This point, I want to punch him right through his fucking stupid, wiry glasses. Right? So, he's going like, you're looking around hospitals, and I said something that just ticked him off,

I was just, yeah dude, I don't have to answer your questions. All right, leave me alone. And then he goes, he starts going like, okay, I am really concerned right now. I'm going to Indianapolis, and I just look at him, you know what I start doing? I start doing like this Ryan Gosling. You know that little smirk that fucking

Mona Lisa smile he has as he smirks his way through all these fucking movies? I go full on Ryan Gosling. Now I'm not talking to this guy, and I just keep looking at him. And I give him that little half a smirk, and I just shake my head. That's my game now.

This is my game, it's like if you're going to be a dick right now with your fucking delusional authority, that you're going to be like wearing fucking Guantanamo and you're going to waterboard me. There's no water, there's no board, go fuck yourself, here's my smirk, and I'm just going to shake my head at you like you're a fucking pathetic human being.

This is what I'm doing, right? And this is the funny thing, I'm such a dick, all I have to say to the guys, I'm a comedian, I'm going to do a sold out show there, and that would make him back off. But I'm a dick, I'm like fuck this guy, I want to see where this is going. So now he's all fucking amped up,

he's dropping, you know, he's saying the F word, he's sitting there going, he goes, if you don't fucking answer my question, right fucking now, I'm going to hit that call button, we're sitting there taxiing down the fucking, getting in the line. I'm going to fucking hit this fucking button if you blah, blah, blah, blah, and I'm just fucking Mona Lisa's smile,

smirking, just shaking my head, like you are a fucking retard, right? So now he's saying the F word so much, the lady who's sitting in front of me, diagonally in front, right in front of him, turns around and looks at us, and now my heart's racing, I'm like, where's this going?

This is going to be great, I am 100% fucking innocent, this guy's drunk, and I think he's going to hit that button. Oh, I got a feeling he's going to hit that button. What's going to happen, right? I want to see what the pilot looks like. Let's see where the fuck this is going, right? So he goes, if you don't fuck,

he starts bringing his hand up to the button going, I'm going to hit that button, you don't think I'll fucking do it? I'll hit that button, and I'm sitting there smirking at him, thinking in my head, go ahead, hit the fucking button. Let's see what happens, let's see what happens, right? So finally, now he wants to hit the button, and he can't fucking find it, and in defense of him,

I couldn't find it either, I was looking up there, I half wanted to hit it myself, then he finally finds it, and he hits it, right? And now I'm just like, holy shit, what's going to happen? And he's sitting there going, yeah, huh? You want to fucking play this game?

You want to fucking play this game? I'm surprised, I mean it took like fucking like 30 seconds for a flight attendant, the one who gave him the booze, which evidently wasn't booze, comes over, and at this point, we're like doing that shit where we're behind a plane, we're almost ready to take off, like we're pulling up and then stopping,

pulling up and then stopping as planes are taken off. So she goes, yeah, what's the problem over here? And he goes, I'm not comfortable to fly with this guy. This guy, he's fidgeting, he's looking around at other fucking people, blah, blah, blah, he's doing all this thing, right? And then the stewardess looks at me, and I'm just sitting there fucking,

smirked, just shaking my head, and I'm just looking at this dude, just shaking my head, like this guy's out of his fucking mind. I don't say a word, and this guy goes on and on and on about his fucking psycho babble about how I'm in this security risk. So she goes to, so she goes, okay,

any other passengers have you noticed anything? She's talking to everybody first class at this point. Is anybody noticed anything? Odd about this guy, and the lady who is sitting right in front of the dude diagonally from me turns around, she goes, yeah,

I've been listening to this guy berating this other passenger. She's on my side, and I haven't said a fucking word. This is great, and I'm just sitting there smirking, then the stewardess looks at me, and I shrugged my shoulders like, I don't know what to tell you.

So finally she said, sir, do you have anything to add to this? And I just said, look, I'm just a guy trying to go to Indianapolis. This guy over here, he starts slamming his doors. I kind of felt like a rat when I said that.

I go, he's slamming his doors, next thing you know, he's dropping the F bomb to me. Then I'm thinking, oh fuck, I just said bomb, right? Fortunately nothing happens. So now another fucking, the male stewardess comes over right now, he's going like, and the captain of the fucking,

now at this point we've pulled over, and the plane has stopped. 250 people trying to get to Indianapolis, and Jerkoff over here can't hold his fucking alcohol, who just watched Person of Interest every, I guess, evidently, I have no fucking idea.

Now the plane has stopped. This fucking Jerkoff has stopped the plane, interrogating a goddamn comedian like I'm in the fucking Taliban, and he works for the CIA, right? So now we're just sitting there. And the captain is up front

in the plane like, saying to the stewardess, just going, basically relaying, do I really have to fucking come back there? This is the last flight of the night. Is there really a goddamn problem? And that was the VOD. And they finally said to the douche

sitting next to me, are you going to be okay to fly with him? And at that point, it appeased the fucking ego that he was somehow in control, and he goes like, you know what, okay, it's fine, it's fine. It'll be fine.

So they go, okay. So now the plane's going again, and now we fucking come around and he's sitting there fucking, he's in my ear. And at this point, I am like the fucking laugh you hear me doing in the podcast, that's what I'm doing. And he's sitting there going, oh, he goes,

you know what, I'm glad, I'm glad, I hope you fucking try something. I hope you fucking try something when we're up there. I really hope you fucking try something. And I'm just fucking like, gut busting, laughing, shaking. Like, what are you going to fucking do to me? What are you going to do to me?

Are you going to punch me in the face? You fucking wiry jackass? With your fucking glasses on? You know, that's a federal offence. You're going to go to jail if you do that. Or something, I don't know what, right? So I'm just sitting there fucking laughing at the guy going, I actually, at one point,

I put my fucking little eye-pill thing on. You know, like I'm going to sleep. Oh, I had that out too when the stewardess was talking to me. I was like putting it on as this total mind fuck. Like, I don't know what this guy is. I'm just trying to go to Minneapolis, I'm going to sleep. And so I got,

I got my fucking eye thing on, right? As he's sitting there threatening me. Just, I was going with total passive aggressive. It's like, dude, I'm so not concerned with you. I'm literally putting a blindfold on. All right. So this fucking guy, he starts going,

he goes, hey, he goes, you think you fucking won this? You think you fucking won this? He goes, you know, my dad is, my dad, he started saying his dad's some major CEO in Indianapolis. Doesn't sound like a fucking made-up story. I swear to God, this is all true. He goes, my dad is some, a major CEO in Indianapolis.

And I will have you fucking arrested. And the lady turns around again. I will have you fucking arrested the second we get on the ground. What? For what? Sitting here? You fucking loser. Learn how to hold your alcohol. All right. And he starts describing the view

that I'm going to have when I go to jail, like some fucking law and order episode. Oh, you're going to love it. You'll be able to see Lucas Oilfield and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just sitting there cracking up, laughing. And then there's this pause, right? And I'm thinking, finally, he finally shut the fuck up.

It's like a three, four minute pause. And he gave up because I wasn't giving him anything. I was just laughing and shaking my head. I was being a dick to him. I was. Because I was enjoying it. And then there was like a three minute pause. And then all of a sudden he just goes, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill?

So we're like 20 minutes into the flight. And I gotta be honest with you, my adrenaline was so going during all of that. Because I knew I didn't do anything wrong but I thought we were literally going to go back and there was going to be fucking cops there. And if the fucking stewardess or the pilot asked me who I am and where I'm going,

I'm going to tell him I respect your authority. You're just some jet. You don't have any fucking authority. I don't have to answer your questions. It was one of the most fun experiences I've ever had with another human being. Like when somebody thinks that they have power and you know they don't

and all they can do is try to just keep bluffing and raising their voice and start cursing at you. And if you just start laughing at them, the look on their face is fucking priceless. So the last thing he said, he said, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill? And I fucking started howling. Just fucking holding my stomach, shaking my head.

And with my fucking eye pillow thing on, right? And I know I'm going to get a ton of shit that I wear one of those. They're fucking underrated. Get the one at Brookstone where it's literally a pillow. I'm telling you, you could fall asleep 12 noon facing the sun. It's awesome.

So anyways, like after he asked me where you're going, Bill, it was like a 10 minute, like probably 10 minutes had gone by and I can't fucking sleep. Because it's so funny to me. I can't wait to tell the story to every comic I know. I can't wait to try it on stage to see if it's funny or whatever. So finally, I just like, ah, fuck it.

Maybe I'll just get on my computer and I bring up my eye pillow. And I like, I got to look at the guy because I know he's fucking staring at me waiting for me to do something, right? So I lift it up. I get my fucking Mona Lisa smile going and I look over at the guy and dude, he is fucking passed out.

He looked like he got shot. He was sitting there like, his head was just hanging straight down and anytime the plane moved, like his head was, I mean, look at how he got knocked out. And for the rest of the fucking flight, old fucking, ah,

oh, what's Matt Damon's character? Jack Ryan, old fucking Jack Ryan over here. It's just, you know, he was sitting there like, old fucking Jack Ryan over here. It's just, you know, the sky marshal, the fucking booze bag and God knows what else he was on.

He was just completely out, passed out for the rest of the fucking flight. And this is why I'm not a dick guy. I was having so much fun with this guy. I start, I can't sleep. So I start slamming waters because I want to have to get up and take a piss just to see if this guy's going to freak out

because the security risk is getting up. And this, the joke was on me. He never regained consciousness and then I really had to take a piss but I'm such a stubborn fuck. I was holding it because I wanted to make sure he was awake when I got up because I was going to give him a little smirk

and then I was going to get out, see if he hit the call button again. Um, but he didn't. He didn't wake up till we hit the ground and, um, and then it's funny, then he woke up hours later, so now he had kind of slept off whatever the fuck this guy was on.

And I'm sitting there smirking, waiting for the guy to start talking and he won't look at me. And I, and I think at that point he kind of fucking realized that maybe he got a little, uh, a little extra, a little too patriotic. So we stop. We stop at the gate and everything

and we're going to get up. So I grab my shit, I get up and I'm just kind of looking at him looking at me and then the lady who was sitting in front of me had this big smile on her face. She goes, how you, she goes, how you doing? I went, good, I go, I go, that was an interesting one

and I said it really loud. So the guy heard and he didn't say anything and this is what he did to try to save face. His pillow was kind of stuck behind, was kind of stuck behind his shoulder and like a weird place. So he was frustrated with it.

So he, he ripped it out from behind him and he tried to do some caveman grunt to try to still have some sort of, uh, I don't know what. So, so that was my flight to Indianapolis people. Um, you know what? How far into the fucking podcast are we?

That was a long, that was a long fucking story. Hey, what's going on? It's Gilbert. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, December 16th, 2013. And I am recording here on, um,

it's actually December 17th. Um, five months ago, I was on the plane and I was on the plane and I was on the plane and I was on the plane with, um,

finally back from Europe. Uh, apologize for the podcast being so late but, um, I was in Iceland and when the fuck am I ever going to be there again? So I had to do some shit Sunday and then Monday I was flying all the way back

and, uh, I'm actually not that jet-lagged. It worked out nice. I tried, and I tried to, I tried to stay up on the plane, try to stay awake as long as I could because I knew that I was landing, um, at 7 p.m.

L.A. time, 7.25 or something, so I figured if I could just fucking stay up, you know, Nia picks me up the airport, I just get my ass home and then if I fall asleep, it'll be like 9, 10 o'clock at night and I'm back on the clock and it worked out good. I woke up, right,

boo-doo-doo-doo-doo, and I looked at the clock, wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah, and I wondered what the fuck time it was. I thought it was like 2.30 in the morning because my clock had fell off the bed there, the digital one there that I've had since the fucking 70s there and, uh, I thought it said 2.30 in the morning and I was like,

you gotta be fucking kidding me. I thought I, I thought I did it right and, uh, then all of a sudden it was 6 o'clock and I realized the clock was upside down and that was 5.30. Is this even remotely exciting? I don't know if it is or not. I'm trying to keep my voice down because the lovely Nia's still sleeping upstairs.

Beautiful angel that she is and, uh, I got my dog down here. I'm psyched. Gonna go hiking today, get back into it. I swear to God, I don't have the nerve to step on the goddamn scale, alright? And if I sound

like some skinny bitch, well, fuck you. I'm in this business and I read your tweets and I see when you see my face, you start calling me a fat cunt, alright? And I gotta tell you it hurts sometimes, alright? No, seriously. No, I'm fain. You gotta be

if you're in this business. So I think I put on at least 10, 12 pounds. I started eating like a fucking goddamn Roman god three weeks ago in Italy and it never, it never stopped. I kept thinking to myself like, alright,

when the tour starts, when the tour starts, I'm gonna be fucking good and we discipline, but it just didn't work out that way. It was, um, you know, this past week, I just, I think I mentioned it last week, I did a seven country, seven city run

in, uh, what was it, six cities? London, Dublin, Helsinki, Copenhagen, also Sweden. Okay, six, but I did two nights in London. So it was seven nights in a row. Um, basically touring like a band,

how they do it and I have a whole new respect for anybody that's touring as a band. Um, that was hard enough to do by myself with no equipment. I don't have to bring anything, I just fucking show up mic in a mic stand, go up to the

microphone. I love when they, you want to do a sound check? It's like, well, did it sound okay when you talked into it? Well, yeah, well, there you go. What am I gonna do? Go up there, fuck, fuck, fuck, cunt, cunt, cunt, you know? So

anyways, I lost another mixer on this fucking trip. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice. Oh, red face is a dumb fuck. There's something about these hundred-dollar mixers, believe it or not, they don't have any sort of uh,

I don't know, something to prevent the surge. I don't know what it is because I had the adapter um, or the converter, I should say. Convert? No, the adapter. I forget what, that fucking guy in Helsinki dressed me down two years ago.

Once, it is not a converter, it is an adapter, you are not converting the electricity, you are adapting it to your devices, yes. Oh, fuck you, Hans. Um, what's, you know, it's a good Swedish name. I don't, or a Finnish name, I have no

fucking idea. This podcast is going to be all over the map. I apologize one more time for the, the sound quality here. Um, you know, my mixers shit the bed, I just discovered that, so uh, but the good thing is y'all things comedy, networks,

new studios are up and running, and uh, hopefully, uh, I have a nice surprise guest that I'm going to try to be interviewing. He's got a big movie coming up. Look at me teasing it, teasing it, tickling you with it. Uh, but I don't want to

say that he's going to be on it because I know he's fucking busy doing press for it, but uh, I ran into him when I was Dublin, which was the greatest fucking thing ever. Him and his friends were fucking hyping the movie, and I was in Dublin, and we just went out and fucking drank and sang Christmas songs. It was fucking awesome.

Such a great tour, and uh, yeah, at the risk of being corny, I got to tell you at one point, I was doing a second show in Finland, and I had this feeling when I was on stage

that I was doing exactly what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing in life. I can't explain it. There's something about making people laugh that far away from where uh, where you live and where you speak a language, and if you're still connecting,

that's pretty much about as great an affirmation that you know, I'm really, I'm supposed to be doing it. This shit is still working this far away. Um, oh, what a fucking week. I got to tell you something right now. I did

a show in Dublin, Ireland and all the crowds were great, but I got to tell you those fucking people in Ireland are the funniest that I can't even explain. I swear to, there's something about like

when I go through Great Britain and Ireland, it's like Scotland and Ireland they like the knuckleheads that I grew up with, and when I go to London, London is like is kind of like all the people that I met when I went to New York that were from Boston, so they did move away

from where they were from, but they still brought that thing with them, because people in London are hilarious, but I was doing a show, Dublin on Monday night at the Vickers Street Theater or something, just this awesome venue. By the way, Jim Gaffigan's going to

be there if any of you Irish kinds of listen to this, you got to go see him. I was supposed to tweet about that, I'm going to do that today. The hilarious Jim Gaffigan's going to be there and anyway, so it was on a Monday night and it's a really hard night to try and sell tickets and these people showed up and

forced and I can't even tell you how they were fucking hilarious, like I was on stage and there was this thing I was talking about about people hugging their kids and now that could

is a good thing, but if you do it too much you could potentially make a weaker, so I mentioned and I've been telling this story for like six to eight months and I've been saying how, you know, my mother wasn't a hugger and didn't hug us when we were kids and people just listen

and it's just a small detail that leads to this other part that I want to talk about, so I've said that line uneventfully, that's even a fucking word with no issue whatsoever for like six months

now I'm in fucking Ireland and I just throw that line out there, like I'm not even thinking about it and say, yeah, I said, you know, my mother didn't hug me when I was a kid and I'm getting ready to say the next sentence and like 15% of the crowd goes, oh I'm not even doing it the way they did it, just collectively

broke my it was just such the classic fucking it was like that Boston Irish thing that I grew up with distilled to its purest form with actually real Irish people where you almost have to be there to

fucking understand what was behind it it was like I opened the emotional door just to crack and automatically they just bust your balls about it like, yeah, you fucking, you know you think we got hugs

you freckled cunt, shut the fuck up and tell the joke, I can't even I've been trying to explain it to Nia, she laughed but it's still you kind of had to be there and then you know, so I laughed I'm not fucking trying to get your sympathy

I'm trying to get to this next part you assholes and the whole crowd fucking laughs and then like a half hour later what I had done when I was over there was like DVDs with me like just the basically the DVD itself with this little paper

thing and I was just handing them out to people because I'm trying to get them to show other people you know, when I'm out there so I can keep coming back basically trying to get them to spread the word in my comedy and then someone's just like well why don't you just put it on Spotify you dumb fuck and I'm like, yeah, because I'm old, alright

I feel like I have to bring the hard copy so I tell these assholes that I'm giving them free DVDs at the end of the show and I'm halfway through that spiel telling them that they're getting a free DVD alright and I'm in the middle

of it and I hear this guy in the back that guy goes, oh fuck off I don't even think I didn't even explain what I was doing I don't know if I had gotten to the part where they were free I don't know what the fuck or it was the fact that I was trying to once again

go to a nice place where hey you know I really appreciate you guys coming out this really means a lot to me and I want to keep coming back here because I think you got a great country or whatever and I just just open in the door that much oh fuck off so I finally just looked

and I went Jesus Christ they were already laughing I was like you know what I've played in 20, almost 22 years as a comedian I have played in front of some miserable motherfuckers but you guys and they were already laughing are the most miserable fucking cunts I've ever

been in and they loved it absolutely loved it and it killed me that I couldn't go out drinking with the crowd because I had a fucking go had an early flight of course all the way over to Helsinki but and it was just kind of those

moments all the way through the tour that were unreal like Helsinki I hope I'm not born you guys with this shit but and Helsinki I did two shows and the first show I went out and I just like

felt like I couldn't get on a roll for like a lot of the show like I get laughs and then it would stop I would get laughs and it would stop and it got to the point like there was one point in the first show there's something I said bomb so

hard that I almost got a little depressed and I definitely thought because in my head some I was thinking about like wow I think I've reached the limits to where my act works once I get on the other side of the Baltic Sea and you really feel that when you

get on the other side of the Baltic Sea you get that feeling like where I'm not in Europe anymore you're starting to feel like I am heading towards the Soviet Union even though you know a good what 20% of that

country is in Europe you just get this I can't explain it you definitely you're in eastern Europe you're starting to get like that Baltic Slavic fucking vibe and I had to use all these tricks that I've learned as a comedian over the years

to basically stop the I don't know what the proverbial comedy jet from going into a spin and you know crashing into the ground I just committed harder I started improv enough trying to tag every joke with something new

something to get me present and I was able to I still had a good show and everything and I know they had a good time but I was thinking in my head like man this guy wanted me to go to Estonia which is basically like a fucking 50 minute boat ride from Finland

and I was thinking like there's no fucking way I'm going there and I think I've reached the end and then something happened during the second show where I was talking about getting a gun and how I like this one gun because it was quieter and those bigger ones

are too fucking loud and if you pull the trigger you're gonna fucking destroy your ears and they're laughing and shit and then as I come to the end of the joke you know they laughed and then it was kind of quiet and then some guy in the crowd yelled out you know get a silencer and I was like

well silencers are illegal where I'm at I know in Jacksonville Florida they're legal because I use them but they're illegal where I'm at they basically say that you know I want to murder somebody and I don't want anybody to know in the next room

and then it just dawned on me and I was like I just I've been in front of really smart crowds before and they laugh and shut up these fucking guys the people were so smart they were sitting there they were trying to solve the problem of the joke

they're laughing at the joke while coming up with solutions so I finally said to them I said listen I was like is this what you guys are doing alright I'm like this isn't this isn't a fucking think tank it's just a comedy show and I somehow connected with them

in that moment and then I had them for the rest of the way and I just started riffing on that anytime a joke would only do okay I would just start riffing on the solution to whatever the joke was and that got them back in and I was able to get on a

get on a roll with them and it was just kind of that all all week dude and I was oh my god fucking Helsinki I watched the sun go down at like 3 30 in the afternoon from my hotel oh I think by the time I got there that's right by the time I got to

Helsinki because I had to connect in London with an AFROW which by the way is if you ever have to go to Heathrow airport I would suggest doing 2 hours of yoga before you get there it is an unbelievable

test of your patients of your cardio your sanity and it's fucking and I of course you know I failed miserably I lose my shit at LAX put it this way

if you can if you ever go to Europe here's a travel tip for you and you could avoid connecting if you're not going to London I would highly recommend not connecting in London because

it's not like connecting in other I've never had to get off you gotta run through a whole terminal and then wait for a bus that isn't coming for 7 minutes and then by the time the bus comes there's so many fucking people or there's already too many people you gotta wait

for the next bus in another 7 minutes you finally get on that fucking thing I mean it is a shit show oh and by the way if anybody lights up a cigarette it's gonna be too foggy for anything to land so you're gonna be delayed wherever the hell you're at I went through that fucking thing like 3 times

it's still an incredible airport it's still just the sheer size of it you have to respect but I have to tell you give yourself plenty of time if you can to connect yeah it's a fucking nightmare I don't know what

so where the hell did I go from there I think I went to Copenhagen after that Copenhagen yep I did a show there that was fucking amazing and I got you guys gotta forgive me all the comedians that I work with because I went night after night after night after night

and you guys had some pretty crazy names I think this guy's name was Christian or something like that I can't remember really really smart guy really cool guy and gave me a bunch of tags for jokes and they were actually really funny a lot of times when somebody does that

they're fucking horrific but and you gotta sit there smiling like yeah you know we're gonna try that his were actually great so what else what else what else fuck you know what I just realized I left it upstairs when I was in Iceland one of the two comedians

that opened up for me both of them were great couldn't understand what the fuck they were saying but one of them gave me a book I'm gonna hit pause and I'm gonna go upstairs and get it if you guys like you know like those you know like those cartoon strips like the far side where it's just a picture and they write something funny

alright well if you like something absolutely just completely sick and twisted I just set down the recorder hang on I'm gonna look it up right now I gotta find this because it's fucking hilarious and he was killing like all the comics I was with we would just after we

did the show we went to dinner and we were uh passing the book around laughing our asses off let's see I hate dolphins there it is I hate dolphins book where the fuck is it

come on man it came up I saw when it came up hold on I mean one of his one of his cartoons there it is one of his cartoons has a stick figure

they're like stick figures drawings and he's running it's a it's a father running after his kids with this like acoustic guitar over his head and screaming it's your fault I'm not a rockstar and then one

of the little kids running away is going daddy no and it's just another one is you got two guys are standing over another stick figure that's laying on the ground and it looks like it's just blown its brains out and one of

the stick figures looks at the other and goes uh something like you want to fuck them laughing it's just the darkest sickest shit he's got two books his other one is called something like my pussies hungry

I don't know what it is this guy I don't know how to say his fucking name it's just search I hate dolphins in the comedians name it's hooglikur hooglikur dogson

and it's spelt h-u-g-l-e-i k-u-r and his last name is d-a-g-s-s-o and man this fucking book is hilarious half the shit that's funny as you look at it you laugh

and then you hand it to your friend and he's looking at it his you know you read what it says and you gotta kinda look at the picture and put it together so watching your friend taking in the joke is I think it's even more enjoyable but um he was fucking funny man he broke my balls

when he brought me up like switched into English and uh fuck he was saying it was just great and the guy who came on before him was also awesome they're just really really funny people dude Iceland is insane do you know they have an app over there

that basically when you meet somebody and you wanna start dating them you just search it and you see how you're related it'll show how you're related I'm gonna say that again they have an app over there you meet a woman in a bar

a woman meets a guy or whatever a couple of twinkle toes meet each other there um you're fucking you just uh there's an app that will say not if you're related how you're related because everybody there

is fucking related um and you know it's funny they're absolutely the fucking great looking people so I think they spread it out far and wide they actually the cab drivers over they have a joke in Iceland

and people in Great Britain and Ireland aren't gonna like this they basically because people always talk about how beautiful the women are and they said well basically the Vikings when they would conquer other people they would just take all their good looking women and they would take them away with them

um talk about the ultimate defeat um yeah take my farmland I don't give a shit take all the beautiful women fuck am I supposed to do just kill me now so they're saying that they took them all out of Great Britain

took them out of England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland and they took them all to Iceland and that's why their women are so much better looking and that there's no good looking women in the other one which isn't true but of course they say that but it's fucking hilarious um and also they fucking eat everything

because they live on an island so when you go to the menu um they had pigeon on the menu but I think that that's their word for dove um a buddy of mine he ordered it and I had a piece of it tasted alright little fucking gamey

and then they also had whale and that was the only thing that I didn't like about Iceland was there's a number of restaurants that you went into and you could actually eat whale which to me is like eating an elephant you know what I mean there's just certain animals

um you know like look if they had like a jackal sandwich or a fucking hyena sandwich you know there's certain animals where you're just like you know what you're a cunt or there's enough of you like I'll eat venison I don't give a fuck

you know there's plenty of goddamn deer running around with their disease ticks okay fucking up the front ends of a bunch of cars I don't give a shit about that but whales I mean they're like endangered they're not being endangered because or at least Iceland doesn't give a fuck

I don't really understand how that works but um you could actually eat whale and I was just like that was the only thing that upset me when I was in Iceland Iceland is fucking unbelievable you walk around

and I recommend going in the wintertime don't go in the summer when there's a bunch of people walking in shorts walking around fuck that you go in the summertime and uh they got this thing the blue lagoon spa there that you go into it's fucking

I can't even describe it dude it's fucking insane you're in this fucking giant salt water like pool that's heated there's steam coming off it you're surrounded by snow and everything just looks blue it's like you have on those someone was saying

Mitch Hedberg rest his soul those blue tinted sunglasses that he used to wear it's like you're wearing those fucking things I don't know it was an absolutely amazing amazing fucking amazing trip

I had a great time in Sweden I just don't want to leave any city out here Sweden I performed in this theater it almost looked like you were in like a circus tent but it was a theater like when you looked out you felt like you were standing in the middle but it was like because it was like in the round

but not totally it was like a semi-circle kind of thing and also also was the place I spent the least amount of time but I just had a great time smoked a fucking Cuban cigar that's another great thing Cubans are legal and

there are ways to get him back in the country wink wink um hahahaha let's just say that daddy is going to be fucking drinking a lot of scotch over the next month um and it's also a great thing too if you got buddies who

smoke cigars you sneak something for them um or maybe you don't you allegedly do it alright this is the Monday morning podcast um alright let's get into the advertising for this week alright the man great system man great everybody

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we got two more left alright we'll do some more podcasting and then I'll get back to that so um is there anything else I can tell you guys about um oh here's a good one for jet lag

I like to uh fly at night leave wherever you're going like if you're flying east to west if you fly around three four in the afternoon that's also the sweet spot at the airport by the way because then you're coming around two one two o'clock in the afternoon and for the most part

people wherever they're staying they either want to get the fuck out of there or they want to try to stretch in another day so they either get you know fly between six in the morning to ten or they start leaving around you know five or maybe seven

because they want to skip the rush hour traffic so that's a good time to go and you're basically you're flying in tonight so it's easy to go to sleep you can get eight hours you're definitely going to be jet lag when you get to Europe but coming back um

when did I leave oh yeah you know what sucked the only thing that sucked when I was coming back was I was in Iceland so I'm halfway across the Atlantic ocean and but it was like a zillion dollars and way more miles than I had to try to get a nice business class seat

um straight to LA so I had to fly back to fucking AFROW connected in AFROW and um I was getting off Icelandic air and switching to virgin air so I had checked my bag

and I had to fucking go to baggage claim I had to go through customs go down and get the fucking bag and then do the bus thing to the this thing to the that thing with the fucking bag and dude you want to hear about a whiny cunt cursing up a fucking storm and then I ended up having

plenty of time I had plenty of time I ended up drinking a couple of scotches there and I talked to some woman who was from Poland and I was saying you know I had some people come out to my shows in Poland in Copenhagen I'd love to go there she's like where do you want to go and I was like

Warsaw and she just shook her head she's like hey you know I go there it's too uh too commercial and she fucking broke down all of Poland for me so I'm telling you guys you gotta do it you gotta do it if you got the time or whatever or make time fuck that even if you got kids fuck it

alright fuck it in that second flat screen TV fuck their college education it's gonna be there okay they're not gonna get a college education because you spent fucking seven days in Europe one fucking time one time you spent it there and you dropped them off

with the parents to watch them that's great they're gonna get close to your grandparents you know your parents will get to spend time with your kids and you'll get to go over there get to see the world from a different perspective you gotta fucking do it highly recommend it and you can do it on the

fucking cheap you really can't just get your fucking asses over there and have yourself a damn sandwich alright um I really hope as many people as you know fucking close you know what's great and I've been reading when I was in Scotland so I told you somebody gave me this book

David Lee Roth's book that came out in the late 90s crazy from the heat and I gotta tell you this is a fucking killer book man what I love about it is he's not dishing a bunch of dirt about Van Halen and going Eddie's a cunt and Michael Anthony and Alex and all that he definitely takes

care of there but he went through a real painful fucking thing with the ending of that and God knows they trashed him enough but a lot of it is he's describing what it's like to be on the road and um right now he's talking about the extensive

travel that he's done talking about he ended a tour in 83 with Van Halen in Argentina so he's with the security guy Big Ed not to be confused with Eddie Van Halen this is a different guy Big Ed and he's like well you know we kind of have to go past

the uh the Amazon to get back to LA why don't we go there and Big Ed was like oh yeah I've always wanted to go to Africa and David Lee's just like alright close enough whatever so he talks about just like

dropping a boat into the Amazon river and going fucking down the river up the river whatever he's doing getting dysentery feeling like he's going to die having 12 second convulsions this is a fucking rock star who the hell does this shit man it's really

really amazing and when I put down the book this morning he was about ready to go up he was in the Himalayas going through the valley approaching Mount Everest he has this great theory of like you know because he's a night guy

that he's seen all these great cities he always brings his bicycle on tour and he rides a bike through the city at night and he said you really get to see the city and feel the spirits of the city and I was thinking fuck man maybe I told you this last week I kind of had that moment when I was sitting there outside the Vatican

you gotta fucking do it you gotta fucking do it okay and if some shit had like me who fucking flunked didn't flunk everything in high school but I swear to god I got C's D's and E's they weren't called F's where I was from it was a fucking I told you this before

when I was a freshman in high school I was gonna go to Notre Dame and become a lawyer and by the time I was a sophomore I was like well maybe I'll get into roofing that's how bad I did just completely shit the bed the bed like fucking fumbled the punt whatever the fuck

you want to call it yeah it was awful so anyways that's my travel talk alright that gives all the people who hate sports when I talk about when I talk about sports too much on the podcast I gave you a break and I have no fucking idea

what is going on in any sport other than hockey because I got the Bruins app on my phone and I know they had a great west coast trip got their asses kicked to them handed to them or asses kicked or asses handed to them or asses kicked to them

is that a new one? I got my ass kicked to me it's like they removed your ass and then they walked across the street and then punted your ass back over to you because they felt so bad about the beatdown there you go there's a new one by the Vancouver Canucks so it's funny they're all giving me shit on twitter

doing that stupid this this this beating the Bruins 6-1 priceless so I don't know why you would say that to me I'm like well losing the first two games in the finals coming back to win five out of the next six wait a minute

that doesn't make sense does it four out of the next five Jesus Christ Bill there's my high school math again losing the first two and then coming back to win four of the last five and game seven in your fucking building I think that's a little bit better to win a Stanley Cup

so congratulations on your regular season win and all you cunts out there who are giving me shit because the Patriots lost to the Dolphins all you fantasy football playing fucking morons okay who actually think that Tom Brady's lost a step and they're so fucking

dumb when it comes to watching sports and analyzing what the fuck's going on because you get your nose half an inch away from the paper looking at numbers you better wake the fuck up because there's only like another week I guess of regular season football Tom Brady is in the middle of one of his greatest seasons

he's ever had the fact that they have the record that they do with the level of injuries and the shit that you see it's been fucking unreal like somebody wrote me on Twitter like really how the fuck do you lose to the Dolphins it's like well first of all it's easy

you score less points than they do and second of all whenever you play a division rival they see it twice a year every year they know who you are they know what the fuck you do if you're a gambler if you ever want to bet on an upset I would definitely say bet that the division rival

especially if they lost the first time is at least going to cover if not fucking beat them it happens all the time I don't know what sport you're fucking watching and we have catastrophic fucking injuries on defense actually I am making excuses but like

what I'm really saying is that if I was in the states and I was watching the Patriots vs the Dolphins there's no fucking way that I would just be like oh there's no way we're not going to win this game so anyways that's all I know about what's going on in football I completely missed the Cleveland Browns game

I guess with the Patriots got all those new age calls where it doesn't seem like it's football anymore you know what I mean so anyways let's get on to some let's get on to some

oh oh and I got a new TV show whenever I go overseas and I'm jet lagged I always put on Netflix and I get into something else or I buy a box that I got into the killing I don't know if anybody is watching that but I am three episodes in and I'm watching every second of this series

phenomenal series definitely not for the emotionally light if you don't want to deal with something that's pretty fucking heavy and they do not pull any punches they take you they walk you right through it where you feel like you're

living living it it's amazing fucking amazing show so far phenomenal witch acting and all that type of shit and I'm looking at it like fuck I'd love to be on a show like this so who knows I'm going to bug my agent today hey can I play a body

or something on that show I'd love to be on it anyways I want to thank everybody for reading the podcast t-shirts my t-shirt slash podcast guy Andrew Thamelis slash stand up extraordinaire who will also be

at that New Year's Eve show at the Wiltern out here in Los Angeles if you want to see the crew and knuckleheads that gets hammered every year out on the golf course there going to the Rose Bowl it's Andrew Thamelis Joe Bartnick Jay Lawhead Jason Lawhead

and myself and they are very limited tickets left so if you need if your plans fell through come on down we'll make you laugh and I don't know I think we're going to stick around do a countdown and all that we're going to be boozing it up

I'd love to see you guys down there but anyways he was mentioning that I believe the podcast t-shirts are sold out at this point for the most part except for some of the bigger sizes I think and if you have any problem with your order the email to check in

is billburmerch at gmail.com all lowercase billburmerch m-e-r-c-h at gmail.com we take pride in getting this stuff out to you I think Andrew's done a great job really really killed it but let us know if you have any

problem you know we are human beings we do fuck up but we don't want to fuck you over so let us know if there's a problem as soon as possible and we'll make it right alright here we go on to the questions and the letters this week

Finland show hey bill love your show in Helsinki well thank you I definitely pay to see you again I don't know if it was just me there were a few moments where I felt you worried about offending the audience or something that's extremely hard to do yeah see you were probably there at the first show

I was feeling you guys out man and I think I also had that long flight from Dublin where I got I got delayed at Afro connected in Afro and I literally landed went right to the show so I might have been just a tad off he said that's extremely hard to do

here so next time don't worry about any of that the less you pull punches the more you're going to get out of the audience in Finland oh that's awesome man thank you thank you for reading from your playbook well I think I figured you guys out as I just mentioned the story

on the story on the podcast telling that story anyway he goes p.s. my ex-girlfriend was a ginger she was a real cunt I didn't even know she was a ginger until I took her pants off yeah no you know what it was was I came out and it's just like you guys

are really fucking like any comic is going to play Finland over there this is just my experience because it was my fucking jet lag my act that I was doing and whatever the fuck was going on with me chemically so I can't

say this is going to happen but they're a fucking great crowd and now this guy is saying that you can't offend them you know what's great when you go through all of those I basically did all of the Nordic

countries and I've told you guys this before Scandinavia consists of Norway Sweden and Denmark and those three countries that's Scandinavia but within them

Scandinavia is part of the Nordic countries and that includes all of Scandinavia the three I just mentioned and then Finland Iceland and I think they're called the feral islands that's the only place I didn't go the feral islands which are like northwest

of Scotland but what's great when you go through all of that is for the most part it's predominantly Lutheran Lutheran or Lutheran I don't know how to say it properly but they and they basically believe that when you die you're dead you just go into the ground

and it's just like and I say well don't you wonder like can you wrap your head around not existing they're like yeah it's just like before you were born you don't remember that it's the same thing and

because of that they're really fucking logical if that makes sense if there's any comedian listen to this I would basically describe that give it to a college gig and you think you're bombing but then you realize oh wait this is a really smart school

and they just laugh in a different way that's basically what Helsinki was like so thanks for the heads up I did have a great time and I hope those people on the first show had a good time too I was you know I don't want to let people down you know

I'll make sure I give them the whole fucking thing I made a rule that I wasn't going to bitch at all on this tour because I knew it was going to be brutal going from place to place to place to place every day fucking waking up going to the airport landing and then trying to figure out how fucking making my jokes work so because I made the rule that I wasn't going to bitch

I only bitched like 30 times as opposed to like 3000 although each individual bitch going through AFRO connecting in AFRO that I probably bitched like 700 times but it was compartmentalized that's a word

to Heathrow airport for the most part alright hey Bill love from Morocco Bill before I start I just want to let you know that my sister and I attended your show in London last week you did a great

job blah blah blah blah blah you had the whole crowd but enough with the ass kicking ok here's a little conspiracy theory for you at the end of the show we had a little argument about your ghost segment yeah I don't believe in ghosts

which was fucking hilarious to go through a place that doesn't believe that you go anywhere when you die you know when I was going through Scandinavia in the Nordic countries because I'd be like usually when I say there's no ghosts in the crowd that's like I believe in ghosts yeah absolutely

and they were just sitting there in those other countries just like yeah yeah why the fuck would you believe in ghosts that's stupid so he goes you remember when your bottle fell off the stool and the water spilled on stage yeah I did this whole segment

about how I don't believe in ghosts and I remember when I went to set down my water bottle for some reason the cushion on the seat was like the leaning tower of Pisa thing so anyways I finished the ghost bit and I was into some other jokes

and all of a sudden it looks like the bottle tipped over by itself one of those great stand up moments where you can't plan it it tipped over itself and then and I didn't realize that the crowd is reacting and it was like a full bottle so it's just pouring out

got all over the stage and everything and then of course I rifted it was actually a ghost trying to electrocute me and all that type of shit and and it worked great but anyways he said my sister thinks that was part of your act the ghost thing and there was no way you could be that good

at improv I better 50 pounds that it wasn't planned either way it was beautifully done do you mind settling this for us yeah no it was not planned do you realize how cheesy that would be if you planned that and also not to kill the whole

improv thing it's really not that difficult to come up with some funny shit when water spills by itself after you just did a ghost thing it isn't you know and you don't realize how many

times I mean you fucking improv everybody's improving when you walk and you're having a conversation you're totally in the moment with somebody and you're without realizing it because you understand language you're listening and translating and you're also which is reminding

you some other shit that you're thinking about that adds to where the conversation goes what it is so everybody can do that it's just when you get on stage it's you're going on stage starting your career and you're dealing with

stage fright and forcing yourself to do this thing that scares the shit out of you which causes you to think which shuts down all of your improv abilities but over the years as you do it you get more and more comfortable and you become as comfortable

on stage as you are off stage and then once again you tap back into that power of improving that everyone in the crowd is already doing um but it's just not defined as it so that's basically what it is so no that was not

that was a that was not planned um actually had another great one I was doing another great moment I should say I had another great moment of improv when I took the mic stand

I pretended it was a skinny woman um and just yelled eat something for an hour I was in Iceland when I walked on stage they had a fucking giant Christmas tree just to the right of the stage all lit up looking beautifully but I saw I went into this stupid

thing where I was acting like it was stealing focus and I was being in diva and I refused to tell any more jokes until somebody fucking one of you Reykjavik's sons of bitches comes up here and takes this goddamn tree down

and I went on this whole long thing and it just happened right at the beginning of the show I just saw it and I just I don't know I just fucking started talking about it and it killed and they loved it and then later on in the act

I apologized to the tree like it was you know like I was in some abusive relationship with it like hey you know listen I'm sorry about what I said earlier you know I feel about you blah blah and just kind of went on this thing like that's the most fun thing

as a comedian was when you get comfortable enough to do that shit because I'm not gonna lie to you you get sick of telling your jokes but anyways he finishes off he says also I've been introducing you to my Moroccan friends over the years and as soon as I can get 10,000 people

to like you I'll email you so that you so that you can come visit thanks and go fuck yourself well you know what send a fucking email to billburrmerch at gmail.com and Andrew will hopefully get back to me maybe

I could figure out some fucking I'll send you some promotional a promotional package of some shit I'll send some of my ways over there and the only thing you gotta do is hand them out to your friends okay that's it alright

where the fuck am I oh there's the ending thanks and go fuck yourself alright you go fuck yourself too alright underage girl equation alright let's hope this doesn't get creepy again bill longtime fan listener I have a few shows glad you kicking ass

thank you here's the important part here's the important part yeah fuck my career exactly to calculate acceptable age differences between partners here's my rule of thumb alright for those of you who are just new to the podcast or haven't listened in the past couple of weeks because you have a life

lately I don't know what's been going on but people have been sending me these fucking emails and it's somehow it's like yeah you know 27 friends 19 we've been dating for 6 years and it's like wait a minute wait what the fuck

you know it gets weird so this is what he's referring to he goes here's the important part to calculate acceptable age differences between partners here is my rule of thumb half your age plus 7 that's it

works for everyone pretty much if you're 22 half your age is 11 plus 7 equals 18 dude I gotta say 22 to 18 that's still a huge age difference but it is legal it is legal

I don't know how you don't feel like fucking Matthew McConaughey and dazed and confused with that one dude because you're literally talking like you know you got a mustache by 22 come on man she's 18

finishing up high school and you've just wrapped college that's a huge difference but you know 26 to 22 is not a big deal anyways but I like I like what you're saying he said 18 is your cutoff so yeah that does make sense it is legal he goes if you're 80

half your age is 40 plus 7 is 47 boom there it is again reasonable differences regardless of age yeah depends on who you are in that one I think I would rather be the 80 year old like I'm stealing money at that point but I like where you're coming from here

because I'm not saying there aren't anomalies out there for every situation but for a simple guide to not being a pervy fuckbag stick with the half plus 7 rule been meaning to share this with you for a while but seeing as

every week we seem to have a new douchebag trying to justify his perversion well it's time yeah thank you alright there you go people half your age plus 7 if it doesn't fucking work out well half your age plus 7 and she's still 18 or older right

because if you're 18 half your age is 9 plus 7 is 16 I mean you're in trouble there that statutory rate that still kind of works out good I'm 16 half my age is 8

plus 7 is 15 that fucking works you're 12 half your age is 6 plus 7 she's 13 you're fucking slaying it I love this theory I love this fucking theory god damn it that works this son of a bitch he's like Matt Damon in that fucking

where he's got the mop and he's good at math one flew over the cuckoo's nest dazed and confused fucking I gotta see about a girl what the fuck is it called goodwill hunting there you go I shook it loose

oh you know what I watched I watched a couple of movies I watched all Boston guy movies Mark Wahlberg I watched the one with him in the rock I did fall asleep because I was trying to stay awake that has nothing to do with the movie I loved any movie about fucking weight lifting he's got Mark Wahlberg in it

right that takes me back to the 80s when nobody did squats and everybody just kept fucking you know doing upper body I got a friend of my comedian in Boston Wayne Previty used to always talk about that how back in the day nobody used to fucking do squats

and then you just put on your puffy pants your z-cavary cheese over there to try to make it look like you had thighs Vinny Age so anyways I watched that one whatever that movie was called I never remember the names then I watched the Matt Damon movie where he's in the future

and they put that thing in that bionic shit around him fucking great movie just fuck that's a great fucking movie I stand by both of those and also I watched a movie called called Drinking Buddies that

Jesus Christ I never watched a movie it was about dating and that type of thing I never watched a movie where I felt like I was kind of every guy in the movie you know what I mean like the guy sneaking around

fucking around the guy the sap taking back the girl that's fucked around the guy who wants to commit but can't the guy who's fucking not committing the whole goddamn thing it was a really I really enjoyed that movie

who's the guy in it Olivia Wilde Jake Johnson who I fucking worked with on Jesus Christ New Girl I swear to god man can somebody send me some fish pills whatever the fuck you're supposed to take

I can't remember anything really enjoyable movie so whatever there's my movie plugs for this week what else do I got here let's do some advertising here Hulu Plus everybody you probably tried Hulu.com with Hulu Plus

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for the fucking holidays it's just it's the greatest thing ever and last but not least everybody oh and isn't least we got three more here two more sorry Evoise the holidays are coming and as a business owner you know what that means

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what are we doing here let's go to the next one sparkling water the next email here sparkling fucking water build pickles oh I get it dill pickles dill pickles dill pickles

dill pickles I get it alright there's a new one there is a new one my friends you said I saw in one of your tweets that you were upset about accidentally ordering sparkling water yeah that happened to me when I was in I was in London going to Afro connecting in Afro

um you know they put it in a clear bottle it looks just like water and you know when you're in a different country like shit gets hard shit you just take for fucking great like that I never accidentally very rarely do I accidentally grab sparkling water

when I'm in the States here because I know pollen spraying I know what the fuck bottled water the still shit looks like but that is the most amazing thing when you travel abroad is this part of your brain you have to use

you can never use like I never realized how much shit I recognize just out of color um and then all of a sudden you go overseas and you're just like alright is that a taxi or a police car you know is that a pharmacy

or are they selling clothes and I'm not even joking because the way some of the stores look overseas they they style that they'll do the storing that's their style for a fucking pharmacy although pharmacies are pretty easy over there because they have a neon green

like cross it's really easy to find so that's probably a bad one but anyways so anyways he goes I hope you come around on this score it's never too late to change um oh I think this guy is just telling me that he likes sparkling water well Jesus Christ Bill why don't you just read the fucking thing

so we can all find out alright he said you know men of great character and sophistication have long been enjoying sparkling water oh Jesus Christ well let me go dress up for this fucking email this guy's sitting there with his legs cross wearing it was an ascot

is that what he said he says it's a satisfying bevy that you can drink endless quantities endless quantities of why you battle the temptations of various other addictions like when you're off the bottle I highly recommend reaching for a bottle of San Pellegrino

it has a punch that plain water or fruity juice just can't give you it's like hard alcohol in the sense that it's an acquired taste on top of the hard alcohol a nice I can't I don't know why that is

Gerald Steiner mixes wonderfully with alcohols of all kinds my preference being vodka and whiskey it's a much better mix than fruity juices and sodas and all that other pussy shit just cuts a bit it's like

water's badass big brother I remember you saying that you don't drink coffee you're saying you've missed out on all that coffee house pussy over the years so this is one pairing that I probably can sell you on what so this is one

pairing that I probably can't sell you on but espresso drink no sugar with a perrier to hydrate you fucking delightful or I know you've been to Italy an anti-pasto plate with a glass of wine and a glass of sparkling water

bueno I hope I said that right I want to b-u-o-n-o love the stand up love the podcast as a working poor type 9 to 5 or the podcast makes Monday almost bearable look at you getting all fucking he goes waiting for the Canadians

hockey cities dates here in Montreal not a Habs fan a Senors fan alright um yeah dude I don't like drinking carbonated shit I think it makes you bloated it makes you fat for no fucking reason and you should be drinking water I'm not into this shit

and when I'm off the bottle I just get off the bottle totally and I drink water and then I look down and my stomach getting flatter every day and I fucking enjoy it but yeah I'm just not a I'm not a sparkling water guy I'm just not I don't like this shit um if I'm going to drink something

carbonated I'll have it a soda or or a pop as they say in the Midwest and what do I like I like the Mexican Coca Cola that has the real sugar and I like um I like orange soda

but only if that has the good sugar too um alright dude the jet lags hit me here I'm just fucking talking about what kind of soda I fucking like um alright opposite of anorexia yeah speaking of what I mentioned earlier that I gained some weight here

opposite of anorexia uh hey there Bill I think I might have the opposite of anorexia because when I look in the mirror I see a skinny guy while I have trained with push ups and weights and gained like 10 pounds right now I am 18 years old

6'2 and 187 pounds which should be normal also when I look at my classmates I look here and more muscular but when I'm home and stare in the mirror I just seem skinny anyways love your podcast greetings from Holland

yeah dude um opposite of anorexia I don't know what that means yeah but you got some sort of body issue dude if it's 6'2 and 187 yeah you look you look fine and you're also 18 years old you're gonna fill up um my suggestion

is to look into the mirror and think about those negative thoughts and think something positive and I gotta tell you dude when you get older okay and you gotta go to the gym for two fucking weeks to get yourself looking halfway decent and then you have one french fry

and it negates all two weeks that you did you're gonna fucking look back and go god remember when I was 6'2 and I was 187 pounds for the love of god enjoy this period in your life as much as you can because there's no way to enjoy it fully um

because I know what it's like now to fucking do all the work I did and then go away for a couple of fucking weeks and come back and look like oh my god dude I fucking had on a pull over sweater the last fucking night and I took a picture with somebody and I was sucking in my gut and I still look

like a fucking fuck I knew it somebody took a picture of me when I was at Iceland and I saw I'm getting my fat head back again it killed me so dude you're killing it you're 6'2 you're 187 pounds you're 18 years old you got your whole life ahead of you

you should just be focusing on finding fucking places to go have a good time alright go out chat up the most beautiful women you can find you just have a great fucking time alright put looking in the mirror thinking you're some fucking skinny loser

you're not alright you're a goddamn fucking rock you're the rock star of your life right now alright and then don't use this as some negative thing like oh it's all downhill from here stop being a fucking pussy go out and enjoy your goddamn life you look great you son of a bitch

go fuck yourself alright accidentally racist hey Bill I was waiting in line for the water fountain at my gym with a buddy and this african-american guy was taking forever to fill up his gallon sized water bottle don't you fucking hate people who do that at the gym

cheap motherfuckers I get that you're doing it I get it but if you see somebody behind you you got a gallon water bottle maybe it was just a bigger one you know it be a good shit turn around and be like are you just getting a drink let me step aside you know be a fucking asshole

you know what that's like that's like people who stand in the middle of sidewalks with four other friends and have conversations and the whole world has to walk around them or they do it in the airport if you're stopping and you're gonna make your flight and you're trying to figure out where the fuck you're supposed to be

go grab the wall get over to the fucking wall let people you know if your car fucking breaks down if it's safe to do it fucking push it to the side of the road you dumb cunt alright sorry anyways

he goes I was getting impatient as you should have he goes I remembered that the gym recently got rid of a separate fountain with a big nozzle so you could fill up a water bottle quicker so I remarked to my buddy didn't they used to have separate fountains for these people oh shit

oh no he goes before my buddy can respond the african-american guy turns around and says excuse me cue foot and mouth so what's the best accidentally racist story you've got wait a minute dude

I've seen that too you know what I have to think accidentally right I know I've done that I know I've done that wait how did I do that oh I remember when I was in DC I just made a joke and the guy didn't find it funny and then I felt like a fucking asshole

it was right after Obama got elected I was in DC and I was fucking hammered and I was coming back to this hotel with Jota Rosa the security guy who was black african-american said something to me and as a joke I go oh what the president is black now

and I'm hammered and I thought he was going to laugh and he stared at me like oh my like this is a white person who actually thinks this shit and I was like I was just fucking around Joe's like dragging me away like I went like it was a joke that would have worked if I was sober

and I was in a comedy club and I'd set it up right but I didn't and I kind of fucking knew the guy but I didn't know the guy it was three in the morning I was drunk and it like dude it was fucking horrific and it kills me that I wasn't able to explain myself because I guarantee

that that guy's still fucking at least told that story for two weeks so I don't know that's actually a good top if anybody else has accidentally racist shit oh my god that's dude that's like I would submit that to fucking Larry David

doesn't that seem like an episode of his show you know he'd have in the beginning like you know just whining that he has to go to the gym and all that shit bitch moaning and complaining he sees the guy with the water bottle and then the misdirection is

he talks about how cheap these people are and he actually defends the gym for all the water that they're using and then when he shows up it's gone and then he stands behind I mean the whole fucking thing is right there hey you put that music underneath it you got yourself an episode

alright ski lodges hey there Billy Bunny Hill what's your take what's your take a good weekend come on people you know I can't read out loud can you at least help me by at least trying

to put all the words from the sentence in the fucking email what's your take I'm gonna guess on a good weekend of banging snow bunnies and drinking hot chocolate what's my take on it what that sounds like one of those fucking titty movies I watched when I first got cable

what take what I have on it other than that's fucking awesome he goes the occasional outdoor hot tub scene wood fires and turtlenecks some marijuana and monopoly washed down with a dark red I don't even ski but if I ever start

it's to be able to live in that dumb and dumber aspen type scene absolutely somebody asked me recently asked me if I skied and I said I told him that story when I was in I was in Utah with Jay Lawhead and we stayed the next today and went skiing

up in what do they do that film festival Sundance we were up around there we went skiing up there and it was great but I don't like skiing I love the workout and I love all that aspect that you're talking about like coming down they got the fire going

drinking beers dude it's fucking awesome but I have just never participated in a more blow your knee out fucking sport than skiing but just your description there like that right there is why I want to go

um it's fucking it's just it's the shit who's that guy that guy there the guy in Holland there you are the six foot two one eighty seven pounds there you go go skiing go skiing this is what you should be doing

instead of fucking staring at yourself in the mirror going ugly I'm too skinny fuck that do this shit you know what I want to buy all the skiing shit and not go skiing and then just go on the treadmill and get all sweaty and then put the skiing shit on and just act like I fucking came off the mountain wash it down with a dark red how good does that sound

it's seven thirty four a.m. to me alright that's the podcast what is my take on that like I think that this is what I would do take skiing lessons something I never did I was like whatever I play walkie do they fucking skate

it's the same shit nobody's trying to hit you right you don't realize that there's trees you forget that which is like the uh I can't it's like a fucking defenseman times like nine million you never win in that contact you never knock the fucking tree over

you basically die like sunny bono or some shit I just hate when you fall and like one of your skis is going one way and the other is going the other way and it's never a convenient fucking way you always feel like you're gonna fucking blow out an ACL

but if you survive and you get down that hill a couple of times you know what's funny about skiing I always love when you get to that point where you know you're exhausted and you try to do one more fucking run and you get up there and you're so tired by you get halfway down

you just fall down every third time you try to make a turn like whatever that fucking acid is that builds up in your muscles in your legs you just you're just completely gassed and you're laughing and your friends laughing at you and you just get down to the

fucking mountain you get to the ski lodge hopefully there's not a bunch of cunts taking up the whole thing um you know that rich family that has five kids and can afford to buy them all ski stuff despite the fact that they're all growing and shit you resent them

they look like the Kennedys like look at those fucking blue blooded cunts but if you can somehow get yourself a seat ah fuck I want to go I'm going I'm calling up Lawhead I'm gonna go skiing over the Christmas break fuck this I'm going Jesus Christ

do that person paint a picture or what alright and that is the end of the podcast and um I gotta I gotta thank everybody who came out to my shows in Europe I have to thank all the promoters who got me out there

I gotta thank everybody who took me out you know to the bars to that Premier League game to all these sights all the to the lagoon all this stuff I can't even absolutely I'll never forget that tour

and I'm just gonna keep going over there it was just an unbelievable experience to end an unbelievable year where I had some of the biggest shows in my career I did the most shows the most cities I've ever done I did the red state tour I did that bus tour through the south

with all my buddies and um Jason Lawhead and his legendary father Jim Lawhead um just all the people I got to meet man it was just the exact reason why I got in this business was to have fun

and to travel and make people laugh and I really I did that this year like I don't know it just went to a whole other level I don't know I can top it next year I'm fucking exhausted but I'm tired in a great way so um thank you to everybody and uh

that's it man I hope you guys enjoy your Merry Christmas Happy New Year hope you guys have a nice Christmas break and um like I said man fucking if you can scrape together some quarters

get your ass on a plane and go travel I wish I did it when I was younger and I'm an old fuck man 45 you're never too old to do it so I want that for all of you guys I hope you guys have a great successful 2014 that's the podcast

go fuck yourselves and uh I'll talk to you next week thanks for watching see you next time bye