Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-19-19

Episode Date: December 20, 2019

Bill rambles about doing things the hard way, playoffs, and preparing for tests.

Hey what's going on it's Bill Byrne it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. You know just seeing how the holidays are going. It's such a weird time you take time to give thanks to see what's important in life with all this craziness going around anyway I oh my god I'm fucking I am under water right now I got to take this fucking test by the end of the year I think I'm gonna take it tomorrow and after I do this podcast I'm just gonna be fucking with my nose in a goddamn book but I think I'm ready you know I had there's eight chapters and there was like

three things that I sucked at the HSI with reverse sensing which you guys all know about teardrop parallel and direct entries got that finally finally I watched this wonderful person explain it on the internet the fucking HSI the second it was versus itself how I do it is just like well what do I think is happening because it's the exact opposite and then the RMIs it's just like oh yeah they're like outdated but you still need to know about these things it's like fantastic like did you guys know that when you're whether you're on the ground or whether you're airborne if you're checking two VORs against each

other they can have only a plus or minus four degrees error or you can't have an IFR flight do you remember that Fred Flintstone episode where he went back to college and he was doing the fucking he was on the math team and he was on the football team and he was killing it on the football team but his workload with the math stuff and then he started calling the signals he's like 45 times pie yeah I carried it too died you just fucking lost this shit that's where I feel I am right now so I'm gonna plow through it though but it is it's fucking fascinating you know if I just wasn't under the gun you know if I

started this fuck if anybody's gonna try to get their instrument rating start in January go out and get the book you got 12 fucking relaxing months to get it done don't come out of doing a fucking movie you know going into the holidays let I do everything the hardest fucking way stupid stupid German Irish fucking moron this stairs or there's an elevator what are you taking but take the stairs hey bill you want some help with that now I got it I've got it it's a fucking disease you know in 2020 what I would like to do is I'd like to take care of me I'd like to try to make my life more easier

anyway it's all gonna pay off it's all gonna payoffs I don't know shit alright well I got it I got to do a send-off here to unfortunately another comrad has passed Angela Lozato who was you know somebody unfortunately I haven't seen when we saw him a couple times in the last 10 years but there was a significant and important part of my career where I saw that guy four or five times a night for a couple of years when I was doing all of the uptown rooms which is what the industry would call the black rooms and he like me used to do all the rooms which is what I felt as a comedian you should be able to do

right I didn't want to be like the radio station like I am funny to people white males ages 18 to fucking 24 and you know the fucking northwest hemisphere was just like just get me in front of a crowd and I want to be able to fucking say what I want to say and do well I learned that in the summer of 86 before I was ever even a comedian I went to Great Woods in Mansfield Massachusetts which now I don't even know what it's called and I saw two comedians that summer I went I saw Rodney Dangerfield who was riding high off the success of back-to-school and I went I saw him and he was amazing and he fucking killed and

everybody there laughed and it never dawned on me that it was an all-white crowd until a month later I went and I saw Eddie Murphy on the raw tour Eddie Murphy who by the way is hosting SNL this week so you're out of your mind if you don't watch that and I saw Eddie Murphy and I don't know why I was only 18 years old but it clicked I looked around and I saw the crowds like this guy is making everybody laugh it was young old black white male female he had the whole fucking place die and laugh and and I don't know why that just kind of stuck with me so long story I started doing all of the rooms once I

got the balls up to do it not gonna lie to you and then and then doing those I met Angelo and oh fuck I remember this one time we did this gig he booked this gig back when Spanish Harlem was Spanish Harlem wasn't a bunch of white people that couldn't afford to live on double-digit Manhattan streets anymore you know so he had this gig up there and it was to raise money for this school I'm trying to remember this gig and we go in there and it's at the school and it was a weird time it was like on a Sunday at like five in the afternoon so it was like me him and I think Dean Edwards and we were waiting for the show to start

before we went on there was this whole they had these these cute girls right they were like you know fucking you know and doing this whole dance routine they couldn't have been like third greatest forks where he's fucking adorable right so they're going up there to do their dance routine so they put on some sort of like I don't know what some sort of music and they're dancing and whatever and it's adorable and everything and then all of a sudden you know the breakdown part comes and I swear to God they started dancing like adult women in a fucking booty video I swear to God and I was just like what the fuck and I looked over

at Angelo and I was just like dude what the fuck he goes yeah I know man they they just go they shouldn't have dancing like Hooties we just started fucking we literally turned our back to the to the performance and we're both just standing there crying laughing and then thinking like why is this acceptable to all the adults here what the fuck and like it's five in the afternoon and not only do we have to go on at a school we got to go on after fucking you know eight-year-old girls dancing totally inappropriately so the show went at the show was actually I think Angelo went up there and he fucking addressed it thank God and he

did it in such a masterful way because the lot of the parents were there and you know now being a parent I know what it can what it's like to even even approach another parent with hey maybe you're not doing such a good job in this moment as a parent not saying you're a bad parent just you might want to look at this or something like that like it is such like you know trying you know just snip the right wire so it doesn't blow up and he just went up there and it was just great because he was art we were already laughing and then he went up there still like laughing and was saying hello and he just seemed like you know

just in this great fucking mood and I remember I just was so thankful that he did that he was such a fucking great comedian and it's a huge loss another another great one goes but I guess that's how life is you know when you get to be my age it's not like you know it's what happens so I don't know what to say so rest in peace peace Angelo Lizardo man what a funny motherfucker so speaking of which I had one of my relatives my grandmother she lived up be almost 105 one of the most amazing things about that was she went through three like generations of friends like she outlived everyone in her generation the

generation behind her and then the generation after that because people for the most part start you know at a more rapid rate somewhere in your 60s 70s and 80s they go and she lived north of a hundred so the but by the time she got to her 90s she'd outlived pretty much everybody in her generation and the generation behind her and then she went another fucking 10 years it was on her it's like she was basically the Tom Brady of of grandmothers she just kept going and then if you look actually if you really want to be accurate is Adam Vinitieri he might be older than Tom Brady but you know he gets the he

gets the they get the asterisk because they don't have to deal with the contact you know so I mean that's the way to go you don't get the fucking PTE you know all you got to do is just keep one leg stretchy the other one could be like a fucking you know you can get polio the other fucking leg I mean look at one guy the guy half a fucking foot he kicked at 63 yards you know I'll tell you people you know if you're playing football and your dream dies at your position don't you could always be a field go kicker I really believe that excuse me for a second sorry that's the noises I make when I blow my nose anyway

let's plow ahead speaking this week of that this weekend what the premiere matchup as far as I'm concerned is the New England Patriots versus the Buffalo Bills the New England Patriots have dominated the AFC East for the last 20 years in fact I don't think we've we've we haven't won the division I think the Jets won it like one year during this entire maybe a couple I don't know I think whether it was like two times maybe we didn't win the fucking division three times in 20 fucking years so I would think as a dolphin fan is a jet fan anybody in the AFC East other than a Patriots fan has got to be rooting for

these Buffalo Bills and what I want to know is are the Buffalo Bills ready to finally take the AFC East away from the New England Patriots are they finally ready to put dad to bed and say hey it's our time or are they gonna lose another another fucking game to Tom Brady and Bill Belichick you already lost the close one you lost a close one at home so now you got to go in there you got to put on your big boy pants okay you got to wipe the Buffalo Wildwing sauce off your face okay you got to go out to dad's house challenge him on his front lawn and you got to find a way to come away with the victory is that gonna happen or

is your franchise gonna continue to be known as the wide-right faceplant cardboard table fucking breaking fans whatever the fucking is they're doing out there the Mick Foley want to be fan base is that what your franchise is gonna be I mean the reality is is there's no fucking economic reason the city of Buffalo should have a fucking sports team a professional level sports team they shouldn't you know they had him in the past right who they had the Buffalo was it the Braves what do they have they had the basketball team they fucking left became the Cincinnati Royals I think and then they became the fucking Sacramento

Kings something like that I don't remember you know Buffalo had its time during prohibition okay and then it just became another rust belt city and every other sports franchise left it was only one other one but the Buffalo bills hung around and those people in Buffalo they love that team because they hung around but the sad thing is is they think they that they hung around because they love those people but I'm here to tell you the real reason the Buffalo bills are still in Buffalo not because they love the people of Buffalo they are there simply because nobody else wants them there you go and I hate to

tell you this you're gonna go into Gillette Stadium and they're gonna take out one of those razors and they're gonna shave your bare ass and they're gonna send you right back to Buffalo with the fucking loss and there's not enough wings in your fucking city that's gonna make a difference I gotta be honest with you I have no fucking idea what's gonna happen there was a the first game was great and we have had problems with upper-tier teams this year as far as like none of the games have been easy and we've we lost two big ones a couple of big ones didn't we we lost to well the chiefs and we lost to fucking the Ravens

and we had a real close one against the bills the first time so who knows what's gonna happen I don't know anyway still sticking by my picks the Ravens versus the Seattle Seahawks Seattle Seahawks old sneaky Pete Carroll wins his second ring in my hot of hats that's what I believe all right it's time to read a little bit of advertising shall we oh by the way I was down the comedy stool at last night cuz I'm getting ready for my big show in Las Vegas what about what's up with Trump didi-dee-dee talk about your dick at that that fucking show girls let's smoke a cigar I got that show coming up on say night the fuck this

this goddamn thing just never accepts my podcast it just doesn't fucking like me come on I'm sitting here trying to kill fucking time singing goddamn bullwinkle songs and what do you do what do you do you make me fucking type it in twice I could have been a seamless transition all right so I was down the I was down the comedy stew last night and it was funny you ever just said one of those walking moments I pulled in I was like oh man I wish I you know I really love to hang with Rogan the second I thought that like five seconds I walking in the club and he's on stage we had this great hang shooting the shit like the

fucking old days hanging out in the parking lot and everything and went up tried some new shit went okay sort of yelled my way through my act and then I went to the the original room where the magic is and I went up there and fucking rift on this fucking subject and I don't know what is about that room it just it just keeps giving and giving and giving and you just blow something out and I felt like I got like this I'll probably fuck it up when I'm in tonight when I go down there maybe or if I don't Friday night I'll probably go down Friday I'll probably fuck it up no one me but just a fucking great hang I love

that goddamn place speaking of that and then I went home later on that night you know what I you know what I finally saw that I've been wanting to see the second it came out because I'm a child of the 80s I saw the Rambo movie last blood okay right now if you're from my generation that is a must fucking see absolutely love that movie there's not an ounce of fat on it it is exactly what you think it is a Rambo fucking movie the man is not to be fucked with if you fuck with him I don't care how many people are on your side you're gonna fucking lose one of the most satisfying movies I've watched in a long time I

what I put it on one of the morning I didn't even fall I didn't you know usually I put a movie on that later I'm gonna fall asleep I'm an old man I just sat there loved every fucking frame of it so two freckled thumbs up last blood it is a Rambo movie okay if you're a part of the Rambo franchise you know what that means you know what to expect and they fucking give it to you it's fucking tremendous all right and I know somebody's we all really trying to compare it to cherry it's a fire no I'm not all right okay plus finding suitable mental health medications can be a challenge the gene site test may help did you know

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you wanting more all right but your box everybody hang on a second Jesus fucking crisis goddamn lingering cold like this is like a bull I've had it like two weeks waiting for like fucking brain matter to come out sorry all right but your box everybody you know not everyone has convenient access to high quality meat luckily there's butcher box oh is that what starving people around the world can do it's called butcher box butcher box believes everyone deserves high quality meat humanely high quality humanely sourced meat every I know what the dead just probably talking about the United States that's how crazy our food

is now you know you go down to the goddamn grocery store you don't know what you're getting all kinds of dyes and all kinds of see I Jesus Christ you know your neighbors missing it might be in your fucking pork chop oh Jesus Bill every month butcher box ships a curated selection of high quality meat right to your home all the meat is free of antibiotics and added hormones each box has nine to 11 pounds of fucking meat enough for 24 individual meals you know or six you know if you're a competitive eater or a fat fuck over I've packed fresh and shipped frozen and vacuum sealed so it stays that way I can customize my

box I'll go with one of their other one of theirs you know in the future I'll be wrote I'll be you have the exact same line of copy for a robot sex doll what do I love about my robot sex doll well I can customize my box anyways or go with one of theirs either way I get exactly what I want it's the best meat shipped right to my duo which means one less trip to the grocers all right my favorite is the heritage breed pork it's unbelievable it's the best pork shop I've ever had in my house you know other than one time I went out there was some celebrity chef wearing clogs who just fucking crushed it okay but if I could

take his skill set with the quality of meat that you get from butcher box I wouldn't even have to go to that goddamn restaurant I would not have to valet I would not have to get all dolled up okay you know bring my wife down there and spend hundreds of dollars I could eat like that in my own home options like a hundred percent grass fed and grass fed and finished beef free range organic chicken heritage breed put as they says heritage pork what happened to the breed you know it's like the old George Carlin bit Sears what happened to Robuck you got bought out all right wild caught Alaskan salmon and sugar slash

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abrupt decrease in pressure and or temperature see with a wind shift or a wind speed gradient at any level in the atmosphere see with either a wind shift or a wind speed gradient at any level in the atmosphere and share maybe associate with either one shift or was yeah baby I'm gonna get that one right tomorrow I'm feeling good man feeling confident I got my E6B I'm ready to fucking do it all right let's talk about some other shit okay as much as I loved last blood I did watch a movie that a lot of people loved that I absolutely fucking hated and felt like it was slapping me in the face thinking I

was stupid the entire time I fucking watched it you ever hate a fight I'm not gonna say the movie all right I'm not gonna say what movie it is because I don't want to ruin your fuck cuz I might be wrong okay I have never in my you have a fucking just hate a fucking movie so but you hate it so much you need to find somebody else that also hate like is it me am I out of my fucking mind oh my fuck on God this movie had me pacing I hated it so much so I literally had to reach out to like three different fucking friends of mine and none of them have seen it none of them like yeah I was like you see this fucking movie that's

saying it's so fucking I might have a hackiest piece of shit I've ever seen in my and then I'm all up fucking up there and then they're just like oh yeah I didn't see it yeah I you didn't like it I was just like and then I got like bring it all the way down I mean maybe you like it maybe I was just gonna move I don't know I don't know things I mean I watch sports I just totally walk it back down oh my god Jesus Christ this thing had me fucking walking around I'm trying to think let me let me pick one from a long fucking time ago so I don't hurt anybody's fucking feelings out here I'm trying to think of a fucking movie

that everybody loved Jesus I'm the course nothing's coming to me what the hell they had it been one of these fucking thing I don't know you know what one of the worst things you can do as an older guys try to remember shit anyway anybody who sees me in Vegas you're gonna get one of two shows you're either gonna see me over the moon happy that I passed this fucking test or over the moon fucking funny because I flunked it I don't think I'm gonna know no I wouldn't I'm a professional I would never do that to you I would never do that to you but I'm gonna tell you right now I'm having a hard time finishing

this podcast because I'm just looking at those two textbooks going like I need to be fucking looking at those things but I already know I already I know I know all of the fucking chapters I just gotta fucking get that HSI thing down today the reverse sensing and I just have to I gotta do the teardrop parallel direct entry in the RMI shit like fucking a hundred times and I'll have that shit down and then I'm gonna walk in there with this sharpened pencil and I'm gonna do some fucking damage all right I haven't played drums in a month I've just fucking just been like fuck everything else other than my family I

am gonna come I gotta fucking I gotta get this thing done and this is gonna open up a whole new world for me oh Billy in the clouds his brain is already up there you know what's funny is I initially resented the test because so much of it is about fixed wing which is airplanes and not enough about rotor craft which is air helicopters and I have to know all of their shit but they don't have to know any of my shit so with each chapter it ends with like an extra fucking six fucking questions or a page or two or whatever of questions you know just for people who fly helicopters but I still have to know

their shit they don't have to know my shit you know I mean and that's not a big deal one chapter but there's eight chapters it's like an extra fucking 50 60 fucking questions and what I want to know is why whenever I get on the seesaw of life am I always the one holding the other fucking person up you know what I mean if you look at the fucking male female dynamic really build you're gonna fucking bring into this of course I don't you know I have issues look at look at the whole fucking look at this whole fucking holiday fucking horseshit how much money do you gotta spend how much money is she gonna spend huh is there

a fucking rodeo drive that a woman has to walk down is there a street like that in the fucking world sat a fucking Fifth Avenue in New York is there a fucking street in the world like that that a woman has to walk down going like Jesus fucking Christ how much is this gonna cost me but I got to do it because maybe maybe this will make him happy going down by like a fucking diamond encrusted fucking barbecue and grill fucking limited edition Louis Vuitton Hibachi with monogrammed spatula anyway I am excited about the holidays you know oh Billy no booze by the way I've almost done it I wanted to go January 1st to December 31st

I want to go whole calendar year without any fucking booze that's what I would love to do okay what's today's date I don't even know what today's date is I know 21st is my show so today's the 19th it's 31 days 31 minus 19 well Jesus Christ that's got to be 12 I'm 12 days away from achieving that and I know you guys are all on the edge of your seats you're not bored of listening to me talk about this I know you're not I know it's just as exciting not more exciting for you the listener so I'll do that and then I think I want to go I want to go a whole like year of my life birthday life like I haven't drank since I was 50 I'm

now 51 I turned 52 in June so now I got to go to June right then if I go to June you know in July I'll be approaching 600 days I got to make 600 and then I got to go 700 right and then I got to go a thousand who knows I don't fucking know I don't know what I don't know what I'm gonna do with this shit I can't tell you this I'm a big I'm a big fan of fucking eggnog and it has been really difficult to not fucking put Brandi in the eggnog this year you know you get the fire going you're watching last blood you got the tree on you got your eggnog come on by the way my fucking humor doors fucking bursting with cigars Jesus Christ it was

empty I was out you know holidays came in everybody got me these amazing amazing boxes of cigars I can't do that so what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna have in in January I'm gonna have like three days where I have like 10 friends over that all fucking smoke you know and I got cuz I got like 30 cigars then it'll just be gone then all I do is smoke three of them that's it because now I do the Bill Burt podcast once a month with the absolute force of nature juggernaut that is Burt Kreischer and I gotta tell you I don't want to give away the January episode but I smoke a cigar in that one with him that I almost had to

go to the fucking emergency room afterwards like I was not right like I limped out to the fucking car it was enough tobacco for fucking six months that's part of the podcast you know we smoke a big ridiculous stupid fucking cigar each time maybe next time we'll go ridiculously small I love how we feel like we have to do something ridiculous with the cigar like the two of us and the way we think isn't ridiculous and sad enough that we have to do this shit so I don't know who knows anyway where am I here I'm gonna upload this fucking thing oh geez I did it next a couple of minutes there anyways it's the end of

the year this is the time of year where you reflect you try to become a better person you give people thank you and I want to thank all you guys for coming out to my shows watching F is for family listening to the podcast dealing with me coughing on the podcast all the kind words about the Mandalorian there and all you people in Buffalo with a good sense of humor it's gonna be a great game good luck to you guys good luck go Pat's of course I'm rooting for the Patriots and my fucking Bruins keep losing Jesus Christ that's good it's good to lose now not that rather than later I was watching last night I was

watching Edmonton I watched the first the first period of Edmonton oil is against the St. Louis Blues and I can't believe how much I fucking hate the Blues it's ridiculous I used to love that fucking team I root for St. Louis because I want to see him get a cup and just you know there was a hit in the first period with this guy fucking went down and the whole crowd's booing I was literally screaming at my TV going that's how you want a cup the fuck are you booing about and then I saw the replay it was a totally clean fucking hit to the point I thought the guy was faking it anyways I'll I think you know in 2020 I

will let go of that fucking heartbreaking game seven loss but if I keep talking about I know people in St. Louis will they'll enjoy it so who knows who gives a fuck all right that's the podcast please listen to this music and and then there's gonna be a greatest hits Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast afterwards another 30 minutes from a Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast that I did I don't know a couple years ago a couple months ago I don't know how it works all right God bless you go fuck yourself have a great weekend

in my clean shirt I push a pen to have guys tell I watch the clock there on the wall take a talk why don't you call the bus comes in and walks down the aisle he turns around but he never smiles he watches me just like a hawk and then it says we must talk hey what's going on it's Bill Byrne it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday December 19th 2011 2011 what's going on how are you did you get your holiday shop and done oh my god what am I gonna get Marcy what are you gonna get her and and a better

question why are you gonna get her something huh why are you guys falling into this fucking shit why can't you be an independent moron thinker like myself I haven't bought anybody shit this year just because I haven't had time to so now I have to go where I don't want to go I have to go out into the malls today the second I'm done with this motherfucking podcast I gotta go out to the malls I gotta go out there and look at the people with their fat fucking stretchy pants you know those big giant plastic bags as shit for what you know this is a question I have for you if you know I have a couple you know I got

nieces and nephews I'll buy shit for them you know but there's got to be some sort of like just cut off age you know like I don't know 13 once you're 13 it's like you know fucking grow up fucking all these people in my lives they're in their 30s and 40s I'm sitting there going you know what what do they want for Christmas I'm gonna get you a bicycle you know you can't fucking believe what somebody asked me for somebody older just got married they asked me to get him a panini press fucking go get it yourself asshole the fuck I don't even sell one of those down there at the douche store I'm supposed

to go down there aprons are us I don't even know where they sell one of those fucking things give me a fucking panini press and what kills me as they live like three states away it's like fucking mail in a pile of bricks god damn postage is gonna cost more than the fucking panini thing I really like a toaster well go buy one that's one of the worst is when people ask you for non-exciting gifts it's either completely non-exciting or it's something down there at that fucking dead cunt store a fucking ice store apple store the apple store everybody wants something from there I want an iPad give me an

iPad oh you mean that thing that's not quite a laptop that's what you want which is eventually gonna be a laptop in six months that's what you want you want one of those just so you can be scrolling around on the plane so you can keep up with the other cunts you know so six months from now when they come out with the better one that's almost a laptop but not quite there then you're gonna want that one for your birthday listen to me bitch moaning and complaining like I'm not like I'm not gonna go write the fuck down there and go do it

ah shit I gotta blow my nose hang on a second all right I'm back I know what you're thinking Bill I thought it was just a cold you're still sick what do you got what do you got a bola no I don't I just been on the road I've been on the road for three fucking weeks three weeks straight is that a spider the dead spider you know I don't fuck with spiders you know I look at them as a necessary part of nature when I have a spider when I bite into a York peppermint paddy when I when I have a spider in my house I just I let I fucking let it do its thing kills bugs right what'd you rather have dead spider in 20 bugs or

just one fat spider hanging in the corner that's how I look at it I mean you know I don't like any of them I don't want any of them in my house but if I had to choose I sound like a racist right now you know talking about my neighborhood except I'm talking about bugs let me tell you right now I'd rather have one of them fucking spiders than ten of them goddamn flies goddamn flies ruin the fucking neighborhood since those fucking flies moved in buzzing all over the place with their fucking music anyways this is the Monday morning podcast and this is is this one of the last ones of the year I believe it's

gotta be well there's one more there's one more Monday and so this is Monday and what have you done that I fucking hate that song all the all the Christmas songs put you in a good mood you know but but it'll pop up right except for silver bells silver bells just you know takes my you know if I was a fighter you know what a fighter loses its legs loses his legs and he just he just can't even fucking he's got no gas left that's what silver bells does to me silver bells silver bells and you know my god they're gonna pick up the tempo maybe they're gonna pick up

the tempo wring away you know there's a few songs out there that make me hate being white and that's one of them you know other than that you know pretty cool being white it's a good fucking gig you know another time that you just really I don't know that I find that I hate white people is when I listened to Ray Charles version of that song Georgia you know and I and the songs fucking amazing it gives me chills how great he sings this song and then right in the middle of it these fucking three white bitches and I could say that cuz I'm white they come in and they just ruin the fucking song with their background

singing you know he's all I'll reach out to me I don't butcher in it something something smile tenderly still it's peaceful dreams I see whoa he's back to you right something like that and he's fucking bitches in the background they go Georgia right in the middle of it why would you do that you might as well have just dropped my version of red Charles singing and singing that song right in there they absolutely ruin that song I remember back in the day when I had this piece of shit for fucking 83 Ford Ranger two-wheel drive long bed factory wheels and hubcaps big neon signs saying please don't fuck me blinking on and

in front of the windshield a little bit of rust on the passenger side and I when I used to listen to that on cassette you know because that was happening just like Patrick Swayze in the beginning of fucking that movie made about being a bouncer what the fuck Roadhouse right I used to listen to that fucking song and right before those fucking goddamn whiteies would start singing I would turn it down and I would just count three one thousand and then I would turn it back up so all I heard was Ray you know I heard that Ray Charles was notoriously difficult and when you know and you start to believe that shit but then when

you listen to that recording it's like yeah obviously why wouldn't it be difficult because he had to go to those studios and fucking people would do shit like that to his songs you think I'm exaggerating by the way that that's the way they sing it you know what if that's what you think you motherfucker because it's Christmas and what have you done fuck you John Lennon what the fuck are you done why don't you come back when you got that goddamn bitch in line she's fucking up all the recordings she can't sing she can't play anything she's in the fucking way we get it you like fucking her do it at home

sorry I put that fucking song right up there that Phil Collins singing about the homeless do they know they're homeless how the fuck does that song go what a fuck did that wait a fuck do you get off owning a castle talking to me telling me to remember the homeless huh why don't you remember the homeless next time you having a threesome while someone's doing a fucking keyboard solo and you're keeping 80% of the door and fucking paying that guy is a hired gun all right there forever balding who took longer to go bald him or Jack Nicholson I almost say Jack Nicholson every time all right what am I looking up here let's

go on YouTube all right just for all you people out there who think I'm self hating here because I'm trashing white people I'm not trashing us straight across the board okay I went to Arizona in the back and like fucking round trip like two hours thanks to white people you know and they're fucking airplanes anyways what am I doing here what am I doing all right let's see we go Ray Charles Ray Charles I gotta type with one index finger because I'm holding on to the microphone you know it's fucked up you know the day you become a man a more of a man more of a disgusting less refined man is the first time you blow

your nose without Kleenex you know like you're running a marathon or something you just do that it's fucking unreal it's scary the first time you do it you know you're like where exactly is this gonna go all right I don't fuck you spell Georgia I don't know how to spell Georgia I spelled the G E O R G I A that can't be right I've been to that state come on there we go that's how you spell it all right Georgia on my mind is this gonna be it is this the original one it's just live I fucked this I gotta hit pause I gotta hit pause all right I can't find the fucking thing all they got is live versions all over the place you

know ah whatever what are you gonna do you know what I'm saying they fucking ruin it and then I went and I go on YouTube and I try and figure out what the where the fuck it is and I can't find it and I just killed my entire flow nice going Bill nice fucking going what was I doing I was screaming about John Lennon oh this has got to be frustrating to you guys as listeners really I was talking about blowing my nose speaking of which you know I just took my dog out and I just fucking I seriously why am I talking about blowing your nose without Kleenex

all right now that I've lost all the female listeners let's talk about something here that absolutely fucking and enrages me as opposed to everything else that keeps me so nice and fucking calm somebody sent me a story this is un fucking believable some guy goes to jail all right for rape listen to this a man who spent 25 years in prison for a crime he did not commit all right he went to jail for for the rape of some woman and in 2008 after DNA proved he could not have been the attacker he was awarded four million dollars compensation that's what he got four million dollars for you know and and sex offenders get

treated the worst in prison all right so that guy you know let's just say it was just some regular dude he's like a fucking you know construction worker maybe took a couple of karate classes whatever now he's in fucking Thunderdome people want to beat him down somebody's gonna try to rape him or something we've all seen Shawshank redemption this is what this guy went through for 25 fucking years and he didn't even do it didn't even fucking do it so they give the guy four million dollars you know something those pieces shit bank or mother fuckers are gonna come in and tax them and hit them for half of that you know that

should be tax fucking free but here's where it gets worse all right the guy faces a court battle to keep hold of the money he was awarded for his wrongful conviction because now his ex-wife who divorced him three years into his life sentence has taken him to court in a bid to get a share of the four million dollar compensation she claims he owes her the money that she would have been entitled to had they divorced and shared their assets can you fucking believe this shit this guy went to jail for the worst fucking crime all right one of them it's got to be up there if you want to fucking argue about it right he didn't

even do it he's sitting there going honey I didn't do this you got to stick by my side she hangs in there for three years go fuck yourself I'm out of here what do you think she's been doing for the last fucking 22 years as far as I can tell besides not working on a career she's been out there sucking a whole bunch of other dicks that's what she's been doing so now it turns out that this motherfucker didn't do it okay and she's stuck by his fucking side stuck by his fucking side this right here is a Hollywood movie but she fucking left all right she left until her stank and puss smelt all that fucking money all

right and this is what I want to know why isn't this fucking show on the view right now on one of those shows with all the ladies why isn't it on those shows why do they constantly show only guys doing shit to women you know I get it some fucking psycho throws acid on his ex-girlfriend you got to expose that guy you got to teach people about that shit but how about a little bit of fair and balanced reporting you think they're gonna go after this fucking thing you think if those fucking whores saw this story in the green room you think they'd be like oh you know what maybe we should talk about this then never talking

about shit like this all they do is talk about when bad shit happens to women and if you if I like this shit here that I'm talking about would come off as fucking misogynistic hatred towards women it's unreal well you're taking this isolated this isolated incident and then you know I'm not this isn't an isolated incident sugar shea mosey's getting a divorce one of the greatest boxes of all time his ex-wife not only taking his fucking money all right she wants the championship belts to and she was awarded them this kind of shit happens all the fucking time unfucking believable can you find an outfit you know what the

funny thing is she's gonna get some money she'll get money out of it the same way you hold the door for them they don't pay for their fucking drinks they turn around to get hammered throw a drink in your face and then the bouncer puts you in a chokehold drags you out and then you go to court for disturbing the fucking piece and what the fuck does she do she's she's in there feeling justified wondering if you know she has a lawsuit against you because she dislocated her elbow when she threw a beer bottle at your fucking head unfucking believable I swear to God if I could do life over again I would be a

judge you know and I would have a whole briefcase full of hammers because by the end of the day I would throw him at so many of these cunts fucking heads you know you know I couldn't then I would just be he hates women I would be disbarred within two seconds I would love to be a judge lady you might be the most if I could throw someone in prison for being an absolutely reprehensible incurable fucking money grub and whore it would be you but I can't the law does not allow me so why don't you do me a favor in a room full of perverts and scumbags you are the worst so get out of my fucking courtroom and make it a

little cleaner you fucking piece of shit I don't know this isn't even funny anymore this is just absolutely fucking ridiculous what's even more ridiculous is the lack of national exposure a story like that's gonna get so you know it so let's keep a tally shall we we'll start with the sugar shame mostly something you know he's going through a divorce she also has to get the fucking championship belts you know why cuz they match your fucking shoes or because it's a vindictive mood and she's trying to break a man you know we'll go with like the lighter ones Kobe Bryant's getting a divorce okay he's worth 380 million that

means his fucking wife is gonna get a hundred ninety million probably can't hit a layup on a fucking nerf hoop set you know and a bunch of broads will be like yeah she's entitled to it she supported him I'm fucking believable just robbing these guys fucking blind what about that goddamn yellow diamondy barter once you go take that down to a pawn shop and live off that for the rest of your fucking life all right they have ring lists I'm fucking believable how many more men are gonna get sliced in half with these fucking I it's unbelievable I'm fucking believable and they don't do

any stories about it and when you bring it up well you know we shouldn't have married her yeah she should have ducked what if I said that right that I'm a fucking asshole oh Bill where did the Christmas go where what happened to the holidays Georgia can't believe I gotta go Christmas shopping unbelievable all right so there you go if you want to look up that story we actually got that story from a great website called barstool sports it's all Boston shit so just to warn you if you're sports fan of other sports but you know they do have stories like this all right the guys named Steven Phillips his

ex-wife is named Tracy trucker what a cunt dude that is first ballot Hall of Fame cunt right there no question we're waving the five-year rule you're going right in oh speaking of sports technically I'm not allowed to talk about them this week not even technically literally I'm not allowed to because the pool I'm in with Paul Verzi you know we pick four games a week end of the year whoever you know as the best record you win a hundred bucks it's no big deal if you go for no the other guy owes you 25 bucks you know that's called the unimaginable if you go 0 and 4 that's called the unthinkable I have

never done the unthinkable Verzi's done it twice I've gone for no twice Verzi's never done it but if you gamble long enough this shit hits the fan and this week I did the unthinkable practically the impossible I bet on four games and did not only did I not beat the spread on one of them none of my teams even won the fucking game granted it was a crazy week with the chiefs beating the Packers and the Colts finally winning and Jesus finally not taking Tim Tebow's phone calls you know it was it was definitely a weird week but still how does one go 0 and 4 I it's an absolute fucking embarrassment so this is the

thing I was up six and a half games on Verzi with 12 to go all right and he said before yesterday started he goes what I need is an absolute September 2011 Red Sox collapse out of you so what do I do I go 0 and 4 I try to help the guy out but what does Paul Verzi do how does he respond he went 0 and 3 he went 0 and fucking 3 so tonight who does he got he took the 49ers given 3 all right so on a week when I did the unthinkable I went 0 and 4 he could actually pick up four games all right he could have picked up four fucking games and only been two out and just had an unbelievable fucking comeback what does he do he goes

0 and 3 worst I can do is lose a game lose a game I'll be up 5 with 8 to go what's wrong with what is wrong I want you guys to ask Paul Verzi you know what is what is he waiting for he has a fear of success this is why picked if you're interested I took the fucking Green Bay Packers and I'm not fucking with the chiefs anymore if I bet on them they don't show up if I bet against them they're world beaters so I took the fucking Green Bay Packers I took the Giants at home playing the Redskins they're playing for the playoffs Redskins got nothing to lose and they got Rex Grossman anything beyond 17 yards he's

throwing it up for grabs given five and a half no biggie I'll take the Giants is a fucking win they get their asses kicked then this is the only dumb one I had you know I didn't even look I didn't even realize the Bears starting quarterback wasn't playing you know and I was like the Bears got a good defense I think Pete Carroll's a pussy or maybe it's just because he wears those dockers I say the Bears they the Bears are gonna cover I didn't realize that they're starting quarterback wasn't it not to say that the starting quarterback wasn't and I would have taken Seattle but I would have stayed away from that

game you know fucking Panthers have been making me money for fucking weeks stay away from those guys they come in and kick the shit out of them and then finally I had to pick between the Ravens and the the San Diego Chargers you know and who knows what the fuck the Chargers are are they this team are they that team and I'm like whatever the Ravens are consistently a good defensive team I'm gonna take these guys Joe Flacco whatever maybe he'll get something done so I take the fucking Ravens and they get raped fucking raped who the fuck did Versey take Versey took Tim Tebow and Jesus to beat Tom Brady and Satan Bill

Belichick only some people consider him Satan and you know devil always wins on earth people I don't know if you realize that so he lost that one he took the Jets they got raped who else did he take it's somebody else in there oh he had to fucking he had the Arizona Cardinals playing the Browns given six I was actually at that game I went to that that's a legendary stadium that's where the fucking undefeated Patriots lost to Eli Manning who I was convinced was gonna make the playoffs and go on another run and beat the undefeated Packers in Green Bay and then go on to win another Super Bowl and he would be

bigger than Joe Namath in New York and bigger than his brother at home that's what I thought was gonna happen and now I don't even fucking know so who knows so I'm hoping tonight Versey goes 0 and 4 and I'm gonna fucking laugh my ass off wipe my brow and then you know it's funny I didn't even win one game and my magic number will be down to fucking 2 at that point who knows and that'll be two years in a row that I beat for so don't don't email Versey this week wait till I win you know if I win at this point Jesus Christ oh and for so I can't talk any more sports this week you know all I will say is that Tim Tebow

looks like the lead singer of that dude in Mumford and Sons better he's in better shape and way less annoying I don't like that guy stomping around you know quit stomping your fucking foot it's annoying anyways alright diet tip hello Bill hello Bill I've been hearing you bitch about staying in shape and eating right for a while now and I thought I could help you out good dude I'll take any any help you got you know in order to eat right you don't have to eat like a pussy oatmeal and whatnot why is oatmeal eating like a pussy oh my god he's gonna go old-school real men

eat barbecue yeah that's what you do you shove a cow up your ass that's right and then you have cancer and then you fucking die when you're 50 like fucking Vince Lombardi you can be one of those guys with this short-sleeved dress shirt guy dude tell me how to tell me how to die like they did in the 1940s here we go what I'm saying is I found a way to eat awesome shit and stay in shape it's called intermittent fasting or lean gains don't you love that he said I'm eating like a pussy alright and then he's gonna say you know he eats like a supermodel this this is a supermodel diet yeah I know you go you go and you

get eat fucking barbecue and then you go puke behind a dumpster or you just sit there and you don't eat you know like one of those big raccoon I fucking the fucks that disease called anorexic girls you know those little skeletal girls okay so what do I have to do basically what you do is create an eight hours fasting window and when I say fasting I mean oh feasting window when I say feasting I mean eating like a monster and 16 hours of fasting you can drink diet soda or coffee or tea without sugar water and stuff in the 16 hour window of fasting yeah Jesus if you're interested check this website lean gains

calm it has lots of info anyways the podcast is awesome you love this shit he's just trying to help me out but you started it dude you called me a pussy and you know me I'm defensive I'm always gonna fucking react why is he no meal a fucking well that's not a pussy move you know it's a pussy move if you get it if you make oatmeal and then you put brown sugar in it and some blueberries and all that type of shit I just fucking throw it in the bowl I eat like a goddamn fucking prisoner of war that's how I start my day I don't know you know what I've actually read some shit about fasting that's actually good for your digestive

track to give it a break you know most people just called eight hours of sleep but I heard it's actually good you kind of give everything else a rest but your digestive tract is kind of like it's kind of like the subways in New York you know I mean the trains run less frequently at night if you know what I'm saying disgusting wait this guy's from Macedonia and he goes oh yeah I speak better English than you of course you do it's because we have a fucking better economy if you guys had nuclear weapons in a good economy our economy sucks I would speak Macedonian you know I'm really sick of these fucking cunts who

think they're absolutely brilliant because they can speak more than one language you know what I mean it's really not that fucking impressive you know if you if you're in if you live in America and you learn to speak more than one language that's fucking impressive because you don't need to you you learn to speak fucking English because you had to you think I'm sitting around listening to any podcast from fucking Macedonia I don't even know where the fuck it is Macedonia that sounds like some fucking shit that got washed away by the ocean the fuck is that something a part of the world

Republic of Macedonia is that near Madagascar I only know Madagascar because he made a fucking cartoon about it all right let's look it up on the map please and I know a lot of you will laugh and a lot of you don't even know where the fuck it is either what's this part of the Eastern Bloc now go fuck yourself you weren't even a goddamn country when I was a kid no wonder I don't know you you know what you guys you guys are like an expanse and franchise the goddamn Jacksonville Jaguars are fucking older than your country it's not true we will call me as you don't eat before fucking stolen well

you lost your fuck I don't give a shit it's like it's like you fell off the wagon it starts over again I'm actually decent with geography you guys won't believe me I'd go start naming some countries but you wouldn't believe me because you think I'd be looking at a map where the fuck am I going let me get back to the goddamn podcast all right let's plow ahead here dilemmas dilemmas how far into this podcast 31 goddamn minutes all right dilemmas hey Bill do you think you could run faster if someone stole something really important from you and you were chasing them down the street or if you stole something from someone

else and you would be you were the one being chased that's not really a dilemma but that's a great fucking question that all comes down to what was stolen from me or what I stole if I robbed a fucking bank I could outrun Bo Jackson because I have that level of fear of going to prison Bo Jackson back in the day by the way but somebody stole something really important somebody stole my fucking dog yeah I could probably yeah I would say if someone stole my dog you know that would be if someone stole something else I would give a good chase for two blocks and be like I'll fucking

buy another one you know I don't do that's not a dilemma okay number two somebody gave me a great one this week they said what would you rather do would you rather what was that last week I can't even fucking remember somebody said would you rather marry a stripper or have your daughter become one no that was last week right I don't fucking remember all right number two would you rather be part of be part start over Bill just relax take a deep breath would you rather be at a party full of people you hate and have to conduct small talk with every one of them for the entire night or be on put on a public bus for

an entire week you have to eat your meals and sleep on the bus and you can get off at the depot to use the toilet yeah dude what that's a week of hell versus the fucking an entire night yeah that was an easy one there's really no to melt dilemmas this week that was fucking that was an easy week be at a party I'm always at parties full of people I hate I don't I hate going to parties you know especially if they're theme parties we're all gonna dress up I don't want to do that shit you know all right now this podcast yeah where did it die where did it fucking die advice you know it's funny the douchebag of the

week last week was going it died with the dilemmas I told you they suck high five yourself sir advice Bill just wanted to say I went to Carnegie Hall and loved your show I'm new to the podcast and I would want your advice on a lady that used to be a huge part of my life okay here we go so I'm a pasty white guy from the Bronx and I went out with the Dominican chick for five years during which I learned Spanish fluently so I could speak to her parents who didn't speak English see that there you go there's an American doing it cuz he had to for the first three and a half years of relationship I felt deeply in love

with her well he writes what a fag you're not a fag that's a good thing and respected her reasons for not having sex during those first three and a half years oh gee so skip forward a bit I started thinking she might be the one and she graduated college and got an offer to teach English in Japan first off I don't know how someone doesn't have a full grasp of the language someone who doesn't have a full grasp of the language herself can teach others but that's for them to deal with so she said it was only going to be for a year and she wanted to stay together few months past and she says oh god no dude she's

slowly breaking up with you anyways few months past and she says they want her to stay another year and that she wanted to go off on some hippie trip to Africa so I told her to go fuck herself good for you my question is how to explain to everyone how much of a selfish cunt this girl is because for some reason everyone thinks she's a saint did you tell him the story she goes he goes I look like the asshole especially when that typhoon slash earthquake Armageddon hit Japan last year and people are asking me how she was and I said fuck knows maybe dead I fucking love this guy now this bitch is coming home

after three years over there and won't stop trying to contact me over Facebook for some reason she can't understand how selfish she was how do I explain to this cunt how fucked up she is thanks for your advice Billy boy all right this is what we really need to discuss here well how do you feel about it do you still love her all right if you do I don't know what to tell you because she fucked you over she fucked you over okay you don't do that to somebody all right I'm gonna go off to Japan it's only gonna be for a fucking year and you hang around for a year and then after the years up I'm gonna go to fucking Africa and go

traipse around there that really she really didn't want to come back and see you at that point in your life and now she's done you know sucking the fucking rainbow of dick she probably has since she left you and believe me she has because women don't count that over the sea shit I think Chris Rock had a bit about that which is so fucking true now she's coming back to you so this is this is what I'll tell you all right fuck people who don't understand how you feel about this girl fuck them all right you know how you feel about this girl now I don't know how you feel about this girl all I know is how you're telling

me you feel about her so that's all I can go with you're telling me fuck this cunt I don't like her anymore I want her out of my life is the vibe you're giving me all right it sounds like she's contacting you on Facebook and you're having conversations with her she keeps contacting you which would indicate to me that you still either have some sort of unresolved anger you still like this girl at which point you got to figure that shit out but if you really don't like this girl you don't like this girl I'm telling you all right you got it you got to cut this girl out of your life you can't talk to her on Facebook you

can't you can't have this girl come back in your life that's what my guts tell me you can't fuck this girl dude what are you doing she just kicks you in the fucking balls pulled out your heart showed it to you giggled in your face and then went off to Africa to fuck the Zulu nation okay which is her fucking prerogative now she's coming back all right and she's contacting you again dude she's like some fucking sailor she's got a different dick in every port and now she's coming back oh no no baby how you know don't be like that you know back of her hand rubbing the side of your cheek go fuck yourself you'll fuck

yourself she just wants a ride to the airport all the way up to fucking 167th fucking Street under the George Washington Bridge tell her to go there herself all right with all their fucking world traveling money my gut tells me do not get back together with this girl don't all right there's other fish in the sea and they don't go across the sea and say that they're coming back and then don't come back and then go over more seas and then go fuck some land fish that didn't make any sense but you know what the fuck I'm talking about all right come on man step outside this shit look what she's doing she's coming

back to town it's coming back to town like a fucking sailor she had to come in on a tall ship with all those little fucking hats on fuck that dude all right if she breaks your heart again don't fucking write to me cuz you deserve it you don't deserve it nobody deserves it but come on all right that's what I would say he's already say for some reason she can't understand how selfish she was that's because she's selfish how do I explain to this cunt how fucked up she is dude yeah look at you man you're you're allowing her to suck you back into her life fuck that this is how you explain how much of a cunt she was you

stop taking her fucking calls you stop taking her emails on Facebook dude she's gonna fucking do it to you again like that bitch does to fucking Charlie Brown Charles M. Schultz was trying to teach you a lesson when you read those cartoons that's what that whole story is about every time he comes in to kick the football and she pulls it away Charles M. Schultz was trying to say a cunt is a cunt is a cunt all right but you just can't say that back in the day you couldn't put that in a newspaper number two Bill I've been hearing you bitch about this is the same shit this was also an advice and in diet tips Jesus

Christ all right overrated underrated for the week all right overrated taken off of taken off on a Friday now that it's the end of the year everyone at my job has to burn off the rest of their vacation holiday slash personal days by the end of the year so I checked the calendar and they are all taking Fridays off granted getting a day off kicks ass but isn't Friday the best day of the work week oh that's overrated taken Friday off isn't Friday the best day of the work week everyone's in a good mood looking forward to the weekend and you're sitting on your couch doing nothing which leads me to underrated taken off on

Monday look at this guy thinking outside the box good for you good for you why is this not a better option first Monday is the worst day of the week you can get as shit-faced as you want while watching footballs for 12 hours on Sunday but you'll show up on Tuesday bright-eyed and bushy tail this guy's got a great theory here it's fucking great besides when you were hung over on Monday it isn't isn't work the last place you want to bleed want to be plus not only did you get a day off but you only got a four-day work week ahead work week ahead of you thanks all my idiot co-workers taken up all the Fridays I

don't have to experience a single Monday for the rest of the month do that is awesome this guy's a genius the added bonus is that I get to listen to the Monday morning podcast and the comfort of my home instead of hold up in my office I finally moved up from the cubicle good for you sir now this is how you add to your happiness all right you find a girl who will celebrate Valentine's Day on February 15th you know you get some drinking buddies that don't want to go out on St. Patrick's Day see what I'm saying yeah run with the herd when it's good to be with the herd all right but when they're going over

the cliff you just slow down slow down stand to the side and watch them all go over fuck that that's fucking genius yeah Monday's the war I see you know what I find is the worst fucking day of the week is Tuesday Monday I was always so fucking stunned that my light you know with the with the realization that my life still sucked like wow I really still work here I was so fucking stunned that but by the time I realized the time I came through was already lunch hour it was Tuesday Tuesday when they were it was the day when the reality of my life sunk in hang on the lovely me everybody the fence guy is here and he wants to

talk to me oh for fuck's sakes hang on a second everybody I have to talk to the fence guy all right now back the fence guy Jesus Christ I didn't mention that I finally ended up buying a freaking house out here you know and you know nothing crazy I finally got out from fucking that crazy old guy I was living above and then you get a house you think okay no more crazy guy no more crazy guy and then it just becomes one fucking thing after another you got termites in your fence day you got locusts on the roof I'll tell you what the problem is is your hot water heater is leaking into your dryer now I don't know did this work

before I'll just tell me how much it is well you see what you got here is you have you have galvanized pipe up to here and you have copper to here now I mean it's up to you but the discoloration in the water oh Jesus the amount of times since I got this place that I've been thinking of the money pit and Tom Hanks watching that bathtub go through the fucking floor I don't know what the fucking you know that's why I'm working three weeks in a row everybody back on the fucking hook back on the hook he's a working stiff I do everything first class though I don't know if you guys know that I don't buy a lot of shit but

when I do it I fucking do it right I pay somebody else to do it that's what I do and I got a good gauge I got a good gauge whether I'm getting fucked or not you know first guy came over here he had that little a what can I tell you today to get you in this fucking bathtub tomorrow he had that vibe so he did he did one day work and I was like go fuck yourself then I asked around to some other homeowners and you know I'm gradually assembling my fucking a team here as far as people you know it's fun though when you have something fucked up with your house and then you just have people coming and put bids on it and you

just yeah okay all right what do you got what do you go what can you do this for huh what do I got to pay you you know but I definitely I don't do that shit where I get people who aren't you got to be licensed so I pay more money but I'm not dealing with you know you go down to the fucking Home Depot you know all those goddamn refugees down there God bless them they fucking work harder than I do but I swear to God they will just you know you should have seen the wiring in this fucking house I swear to God it looked like it looked like goddamn jungle and I actually brought in an electrician who was licensed and it was

the funniest fucking thing because he'd be underneath the house in the crawl space they don't have basements out here so you got crawl spaces so he's underneath the house every 20 minutes I would just hear him out of the house going like are you shit me you gotta be I would just be upstairs laughing no one it's costing me a fortune but it's worth it because I don't have to be under the house I don't know how to fucking do it even if I did I don't have to try and figure out what the fuck some unlicensed I mean me as a goddamn novice I walked under the house and I was going like you got to be fucking kidding me I don't know

what that is but there's no way that that isn't up to code dude I actually had I went under the house and I could smell gas they had like two fucking gas lines that weren't properly capped it wasn't just openly it was just sort of seeping out but fortunately we get a great crosswind here so we lit a fire we didn't fucking blow the place up but we had some fucking issues this is what I've learned in the few months of having a house having a house is like buying a classic car you know you don't know what the fuck the last person did to it it looks awesome you know but guarantee you know there's been a lot of donuts a lot

of burnouts some neutral drops and you're gonna have to pay for it so I'm gradually getting this place fucking ship shape so hang on a second why don't I be a gentleman and hit pause when I fucking blow my nose that's what I'm gonna do hold on so anyways yeah I'm gradually gonna get this fucking place in in mint condition keeping it looking like you know the same way if I ever got a classic car I would do it I would keep it looking like an old car but you know underneath the hood it would have been like all that brand new shit you know I don't fucking know that guy that guy's relentless man we have I like a

fence that I share with a neighbor and it had termites in it and I guess technically it was their fence you know and some termites come up from the ground others have wings like fucking Jordan and they just fly under your fucking house oh my god I don't even want to talk about it so I think we've alleviated the problem this fucking guy is gonna come and he's wiping out the whole fence he's putting down this other kind of wood that I guess termites don't really like I don't fucking who the hell knows I have no idea all he knows it's gonna be a brand new fucking fence and everything that gets fixed is one

less thing I have to fix although I have done some of the shit I did all the locks you know that's not true had a guy come in and he taught me how to do the locks and I did some of them he did the others but I've been going down and going down to this hardware store and they got these you know we got those old-fashioned handles so the spindles are really basically stripped on a lot of them so I've been gradually were fucking replacing those starting small you know whatever I tell jokes I'm good at that shit so I'm not gonna fuck up my own goddamn house so what I'm saying is is I'm gonna be coming to a

city near you sometimes soon sometimes soon because I got a fucking house to pay for now I got a nice healthy level of debt I'm helping keeping the economy rolling speaking of which what are you guys doing for new years yeah would you like to go to an unbelievable comedy show I bet you would are you in the San Francisco Bay Area do you got a lady who wants somewhere to go come on out I'm gonna be up there New Year's Eve I'll be performing in San Francisco California and I will not only me will be on the show also the legendary David tell star of the new hit show on Showtime Dave's old porn so it's David tell myself the

daily shows latest superstar Al Madrigal one of the funniest most original and fucking great dudes by the way the guy who hooked me up with my electrician and co-host of minivan minivan men podcast Al Madrigal will be on the show and I know what you're thinking like Jesus Christ that's almost too much show who else could you there's no way they could they could somehow shoehorn another major talent what do you think you think you're playing with kids hill here we actually have the sensation is gonna be on the show for those of you don't know who the sensation is the teen idol sensation from the opiate Anthony

program ladies and gentlemen the one and only Joe de Rosa fresh from his stay at the Malibu rehab center he was a little you know you suffer from exhaustion once again he's been released from his contract over at RCA and he's got a brand-new hour of material and you're gonna be seeing about 20 minutes of it Joe de Rosa the man born in a wrong the wrong time you know you ever watch those old fucking Hollywood movies that are in black and white and everybody walks around with the skinny ties and they're slapping girls on their asses in office as a drinking scotch you know that's the era Joe should have been

born in but the thing is is Joe lies to himself and says that he would have been one of the cool guys but the reality is is he would have been down in the mailroom looking like Jerry Lewis in the nutty professor but don't tell him don't tell him that let him live that Sinatra fantasy let him walk around with his Dean Martin haircut you know his cat again sweater let him do that let him live the life and have a good time he's gonna be there and I know what you think well that's got to be it Bill there's no there's no other way that they got another comedian on that show also well we actually do Philadelphia's own the

storytelling king the Intercontinental Champion from 2003 to 2005 big J Ocreston big J Ocreston remember blackjack Mulligan I used to go on stage was it hacksaw I don't know the fuck is there the guy used to go on stage with the piece of 2x4 that dude actually stole that from J Ocreston J Ocreston used to go on stage you know in one hand he held the microphone as he wield his wielded his comedic magic and in the other hand he actually had a piece of 2x4 and it's just the kind of guy was no one questioned it you know he just looked like you know we all love Jay you know he has he's always

reminded us of sort of a white trashy or Bob Seeger I'm just kidding all those guys are fucking they're awesome all right why don't I just say I'm just kidding like you actually thought that that was serious I'm just trying to say that's gonna be an unbelievable show and it's gonna be at the Knob Hill Mass Masonic Center I know everybody in England is laughing because they call each other knobs I think that means you're fucking dickhead we're at the dickhead hill Masonic Center for those of you in England people here in the States we're at the Knob Hill Masonic Center in San Francisco California one show only

New Year's Eve get your tickets to going fast and then I take two weeks off before I go out I'm going to Houston Texas on January 20th I'll be at the House of Blues and and I'll be at the Paramount Theatre in Austin Texas and this is basically what's going down is me the redheaded bearded face douchebag as I'm getting ready to do another special that I'm going to be taping March 3rd in Washington DC at a yet to be named theater unless somebody already named it I'm gonna be getting ready to do another hour of stand-up and I'm doing a little redneck tour to get ready I got dates coming up in Charlotte I'm gonna be

playing the start on theater in Birmingham Alabama and then I'm doing a theater in Atlanta and that's right around February 9th I gotta get those dates up on my website then I'm coming back around I'm doing the Fox Theatre in Connecticut the Bergen PAC in Englewood New Jersey I'm gonna be going through everywhere be doing some shows in Los Angeles Westbury New York everywhere I'm gonna be getting ready to do my next special so please come out support me but as of right now come out to Knob Hill whatever the fuck it's called the Knob Hill Masonic Center for that New Year's Eve party of stand-up hilarity

all right we have the link up at BillBurr.com and I think that's the podcast for this week I believe that's it I hope all you guys enjoyed it I hope you all have a great week a wonderful Merry Christmas even though I know you're not supposed to say Merry Christmas I always say it Merry Christmas you know so many Jewish says happy Hunnicah to me I don't get offended I know they don't mean in a bad way when I go to Hawaii and someone says hello I mean not hello they say fucking aloha I know they're just saying hello I don't get mad I'm gonna say what's up that's what we say that's less offensive so that's it and

as always people if you need a last second gift for Christmas please buy Patrice O'Neill's elephant in the room if you need a gift just to get somebody you can pre-order Patrice O'Neill's Mr. P on iTunes I can't stress that enough the response to this has been overwhelming and like I said the money is going to his wife his mom his stepdaughter and they are overwhelmed with the support everybody's showing so please keep doing it it means the world to me that you guys responded the way that you did and please keep doing it like I said it's on iTunes Mr. P I've already listened some of the tracks I also pre-ordered it I

can't wait to hear it and when you get it please tell all your friends about Patrice O'Neill because people have to know how funny that that guy was you know what I mean that's it you guys all have a good week go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week and if anybody's got some got some good football picks please send them to me and Paul Versey because God knows we need the help considering we're always 7 at this point always lose oh

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