Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-2-21

Episode Date: December 3, 2021

Bill rambles about bad internet code, spritzing the tree, and shooting a home invader. Thursday Afternoon Podcast:  start - 33:18 NFL Preview: 33:19 - 52:42 Throwback: 52:43 - end Music Interlude: Bob Dylan - Bob Dylan's 115th Dream SimpliSafe’s Holiday deals and get 40% off your new home security system by visiting SIMPLISAFE.com/BURR HEADSPACE.com/BURR  for a FREE ONE-MONTH TRIAL with access to Headspace’s full library of meditations for every situation  

Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking it on you.

All right, just relax. Okay, don't get all defensive. I'm just checking out, just trying to see how your week's going. You know why? Because I care. You know, I'm one of those people. This isn't just me pretending to care while I read advertising and make money off of the fact that you're listening. This is me actually caring. Sharing and caring. What's up, man? How's everybody? I'm fucking the Dallas Cowboys are playing tonight.

Who are they playing? I think they're playing the Saints. Got a little whop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop. Got a little football going on. You know, I've been trying to give away my fucking cigars to the troops. Jesus Christ. That has got to be the fucking worst website I've ever gone to in my life. It's like, you got to bring the cigars to a fucking cigar shop and then they'll ship them. It's like, why don't you just give me an address? I'll fucking ship them. So now I got to find one and when you go and it's like find one in your area, you type in your fucking zip code

and then like it says the name of the shop and the address and the address is written over the name of the shop. It's like, it looks like fucking Atari from 40 years ago. So, I don't fucking know. I don't know what to do here. I'm trying to send these cigars to, hey, tell you, is any troops listening? How about that? Why don't I cut out the fucking middleman? Are there any troops over there? Somebody fucking private first class fucking sergeant, lieutenant, fucking commander on deck guy or lady or they? Don't ask, don't tell, right? Do they still do don't ask, don't tell?

You will not tell people what your pronoun is. Your pronoun is also camouflaged. If anyone in here has a problem with that, you're going to have a problem with me and I can tell you this. The last person that had a problem with this is currently suing this branch of the military. So you do the math. We're all brothers and sisters here. And the only way this works is if we all work together. So I want you to take those fucking pronoun looks off your faces.

Start acting like Marines. All right. We ain't them fucking fly boys in the Air Force. Them spiffy fellas over there in the fucking Navy out for a fucking cruise. Someone, someone should tell them this war is on the ground. Fucking do it in the water. They brought us over here. Give him that. Navy glorified fucking Uber.

And then you got the army. All the army is is watered down Marines. Guys who weren't men and women, they whatever you fucking brought out weren't tough enough to make it over here. I want this looking like a campsite in the next five fucking minutes or I swear to God, I will take these government issue boots and shove them straight up your fucking ass. I don't care what your sexual preferences. Sorry. Um, anyways, you like what I did there?

I just pitted all the branches against the Marines by shitting on all of them. There you go. There you go. Off we go. Okay. Um, yeah, somebody in the military, if you have, um, you got an address. I got some cigars. I'll fucking send in your way because I got to get my habit under control.

Or I just can't have these fucking laying around or else, you know, I'll smoke every goddamn day. I got the time, man. If you got the time, we got the beer, Miller beer. Um, anyway, I took a, uh, drum lesson the other day. I was telling about this band, uh, that Davey Litch, my teacher was telling me about quicksand. And, uh, he does, always does this thing, like, you know, towards the end of the lesson, he'll play something, a song, usually an odd time and I got to figure out what time it's in. So he, uh, played this song.

I think I might have talked about this on Monday. I just wanted to give this band a shout out because it's a fucking killer band. It's a great album. What quicksand EMDR is the name of the song. And I was sending that to a friend of mine. He goes, he was like, uh, oh, EMDR. That's what I use for my post traumatic stress disorder. And I was like, what the fuck is that?

So EMDR is eye movement, desensitization, and reprocessing therapy. It's a form of trauma-based focused, oh, trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy linked to CBT. Whatever the fuck that is. And specifically developed for reducing the power of traumatic memories. A trained therapist will guide you to think about a trauma while moving your eyes back and forth from right to left. Sounds like clockwork orange. Over time, this will help your brain reprocess the memories so that they no longer cause as much pain. You can watch this on YouTube.

How EMDR works. Look at this animation. I don't want to look at animation. I want to look at a fucking person doing it. Well, then I guess they'd have to be talking about their trauma. What is EMDR treatment like as any typical cognitive behavioral therapy with EMDR treatment? You first establish a supportive relationship with the therapist through conversation. You may also learn, well, you guys go to a barbecue and fucking hang out, crush a couple of beers.

All right. Now, do you want to tell me what happened to you when you were six? All right, but check it out. It's a really fun song to play. I was messing with it yesterday, and I've got to change the heads on my snare drum. I haven't done that forever. The bottom head fucking broke, so I'm going to head over there. I'm going to run over there today at the lunch.

Having a little dad afternoon, if you know what I mean. Having a good time. I shouldn't have said if you know what I mean. Now, it sounds like I'm going to a titty bar. I'm literally going to a drum shop. That's it. And I'm excited because that's what I got. All right.

And you know what else I got? All my Christmas gifts are wrapped. They are bought and they are wrapped. It's literally a wrap. I have so much fucking time. I'm actually taking care of the Christmas tree. I bought a little spritzer and I come in there. You know, I spritz the thing up, you know, now that we cut its fucking feet off.

There's always such a sadness to a Christmas tree, I feel. You know, you got to get it decorated before you just have it standing there in the corner like it's in the fucking Blair witch, you know, and you got to get it decorated. Then you put the gifts around it, you know, but I will say though, Christmas is a huge letdown after the gifts are open and it's just fucking over. You know that feeling three in the afternoon on Christmas day. You know, and then you start thinking like, God, here comes another year. Fuck.

There's nothing better than the Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve or a few days before that's the shit. You know, when even the corporations are letting you fucking chill out a little bit. I'm sorry to do this, but we just have one last thing we have to wrap up before you guys were off on your holidays enjoying your families and your loved ones, which we hope you all have a happy and safe time with them this year. And before you do, we're going to keep you away from them for as long as possible on a Saturday, not paying you overtime or double time.

I know this is upsetting to some of you, but just know that we will be recording who is here. And this will definitely reflect favorably on your next review when we consider giving you a raise. Any questions? Yes, you there in the back. Was it a dream as a kid to be a cunt or is this just naturally who you are? Sorry, I don't understand your question. You know, I watched an old episode of The Untouchables. And it was one about human trafficking.

And this guy, he had all of these chicks that he turned out turned them into whores. And when Elliot Ness cornered him, he sends them all down in the cellar, but this guy never shot a gun before. He never wanted to get his hands dirty. So they're trying to kill Elliot Ness. And of course, you're not killing Elliot Ness. He's killing you. So they fucking whack all his tough guys and he runs down to the basement with all the chicks he turned into whores that fucking hate him. And they knew we didn't have the balls to use the gun.

And they fucking stomped him to death with their hooker heels. And then the gun went off. I don't know what happened. And then Walter Winchell comes on. I forget what he said. Something fucking. So the whores that were fucking whores ended up fucking him in the ass of the ed except they was clean. It's a great episode.

And I watched another one. Leslie Nielsen was in it and his hair is all brown. It's fucking amazing. Fucking amazing. They send him into San Quentin to be an informant to figure out who whacked this guy that was an informant. He doesn't want to do it. He's like, I ain't fucking doing it. Go fuck yourself.

I'll do another six years. And then Elliot Ness is like, where? Well, I visited your wife and he's like, you son of a bitch. I was like, oh my God, did he fuck her? And he's going, you know, I don't, you know, it's my professional opinion that he's she's not going to wait around that long for you. And he'll hold you dirty rat son of a bitch. All right, I'll do it. He fucking goes into the jail.

Oh, it was great. Leslie Nielsen was fucking, was a gangster in this. And then the other guys figured out that he was a fucking rat and he figured out that they figured it out. So then they were making a phony jailbreak and this, this dirty guard was supposed to whack him. Leslie was supposed to go third. And then he says to the last guy, you know, when they run into the wall, he goes, why don't you go now? And he goes, go, because that's not the plan and I'm calling the shots. He goes, oh yeah, don't give a shit.

You're calling the shots. I'm paraphrasing here. So he pushes the guy out there and the guy immediately starts going, don't shoot, don't shoot. The whole fucking thing ends. Elliot Ness fucking shoots the guard and they do a great job of throwing this dummy off the wall. And then a voiceover actor just goes, he fucking lands. Fucking it was amazing. Back into watching that.

You know, I've watched all of season three, four, almost all of one. So I just have the rest of one and two to watch. And I've seen that whole series and I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed it. I actually saw one, that same one with the horse that killed the guy that turned him out. The pimps brother was the guy who ended up playing Darren on Bewitched. I don't know if any of you guys give a shit about this, but I do. So I went to the doctor, the hot doctor. My ticker's great, but my cholesterol was through the fucking roof.

I mean, it's just like, yeah, it's Monday after Thanksgiving. You know, I had Thanksgiving and then I had, you know, I drank three quarters of a fucking pint of eggnog, you know, over the weekend. I had Thanksgiving for breakfast on Friday, on Saturday, and then I had it on Sunday for breakfast and lunch, you know, because I had my mother's voice in my head. Come on, you got to eat it up before it goes bad. Come on, sit down. There's nothing wrong with it. So I was just chowing the shit and then I had a double serving of pumpkin pie with whipped cream. You couldn't even see the pie underneath it.

Oh, I had a good time. I think I also had a couple of root beers like, oh, your cholesterol is like, I want 70. It's like, all right, let's, you know, I said it is the Monday after. But anyway, my heart looks great. I'm going to come back. They're going to test me again in like a week or a month. I'll be fine. But what's funny is, you know, they go, we'll see you again in a year.

And I'm like, well, yeah, that's going to be the Monday after Thanksgiving again. So we're going to fucking have the same problem again. Actually, I didn't say that. So I need to work it out to try to push it up a little bit. But anyway, everything else looked great. I was a little lighter than it was last year, but I've been a tub of shit for too fucking long. So I got on the elliptical today. And I'd always wondered, you know, if you did 10,000 steps, you know, when you get up to 9,999 steps,

do you then get four zeros all the way across? And then the one for 10,000 is implied. Right. And you know what ends up happening is it just goes back to zero again. Had no idea. It was very exciting. Like turning the odometer over. So yeah, I walked late night walks.

I did three, five mile walks. Been doing the elliptical. I've been eating perfect as much as I can. And I'm just fucking finally getting this weight off because I've been on the goddamn road. Speaking of which, I got San Diego on December 10th. And then I got Indianapolis, I think the week after that. And you know what I'm doing today? I'm doing the James Corden show, which I've never done.

Very excited about that. And this is officially my last F is for family press. This is it. This is the last thing I'm going to do, you know, to promote season five. And it's like, holy shit, it's officially over. What a run. What a run. Speaking of what a run that I never mentioned this, the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit at

the New York City Center in New York City is going to be on January 18th. Tickets are on sale at newyorkcitycenter.org. Listen to this lineup. We got Pete Davidson. Chris DeStefa. What? That's not how you spell it. Destino.

No, Chris DeStefano. What the fuck they write that? Mateo Lane. Sherrod Small. Cipher Sounds. Mike Vecchione. Rich Voss. From the Practical Jokers.

Sal Volcano. Yours truly. Yamanica Saunders. There's something for everybody there. We got Star of SNL in movies. Pete Davidson. Practical Jokers. Rich Voss.

Open Anthony Legend. Sherrod Small. Myself. Anyways, it's January 18th. New York New York City Center. It's always such a great time. And I'm just so happy that we're back doing it after not being able to do it last year. And everybody who buys tickets, I cannot begin to tell you what it means to Patrice's mom

and how much you guys help her out. And the comedy community gets to do what Patrice was doing when he was alive, which is take care of his mother. Because he was a great son and he was raised right by that wonderful woman. So thank you to all you guys for buying tickets over the years and if you come out this year. NYCityCenter.org is where you get tickets. Alright, and with that, I think we're going to do a little bit of advertising here. Simply safe, ladies and gentlemen.

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These are Simply Safe's biggest discounts of the year. You can get a complete home security system starting at just over $100. There are no long-term contracts or commitments. It's a really easy way to start feeling a bit more peace of mind. Take advantage of Simply Safe's holiday deals and get 40% off your new home security system by visiting simplysafe.com. Again, that's S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E.com. For 40% off your entire system.

Oh, look who's back, man. I actually tried to do this yesterday because I was getting a little too fucking grumpy. It's headspace, man. Far out, man. Wouldn't it be great if there were a pocket size guide that helped you sleep-focused Act B? Sleep-focused Act B. Wouldn't it be great if there was a pocket size guide that would help you do all of that better? Well, guess what? There is.

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I gotta do that. I got that goddamn app. You know what? I'm such a fucking idiot. I don't even take advantage of that. And overwhelmed. I just get on headspace, man, for three minutes, and then I feel better. That's cool. Need some help falling asleep? Yes. Headspace has wind-down sessions from their members' swear-by.

And for parents, headspace even has morning meditations you can do with your kids. I don't know about that. My kids are crazy. Headspace approach to mindfulness, I guess your kids get a little bit older. Headspace approach to mindfulness can reduce stress, improve sleep, boost focus, and increase your overall sense of well-being. Headspace is backed by 25 published studies on its benefits, 600,000 five-star reviews, over 60 million downloads. Headspace makes it easy for you to build a life-changing meditation practice with mindfulness that works for you on your schedule anytime, anywhere. You deserve to feel happier. And headspace's meditation made simple. Go to headspace.com slash burr.

That's headspace.com slash burr for a free one-month trial with access to headspace's full library of meditations for every situation. I got to get back to doing this because when I was using this app, I was a lot easier to get along with. This is the deal. This is the best deal offered right now. Head to headspace.com slash burr today. Headspace.com slash burr today. All right. Let's talk guns, man. Do you like them? Do you need them? Do you want them? Do you fuck them?

Let me see something right here. I just, my fucking thing is I don't care who's coming through the door. My ears ring so fucking much. Like, I can't imagine shooting a fucking gun without earplugs in. There's got to be something out. Gun protection all, gun alternative. Come on, give me a crossbow. 10 best non-lethal self-defense weapons. Let's see what we got here.

All right. Okay, that seemingly frightening statistic might, wait. According to the United States Department of Justice, there are nearly 5,000 home burglaries per day that take place on American soil. Many of which occur when the occupants are home. That seemingly frightening statistic. Yeah, because they try to hit it during the day because they don't want you to be there. Might make you want to run out to your nearest gun shop, pick up a firearm or two just in case. However, if you're going to own an operated firearm, you also have to contend with the possibility that you could end up killing someone.

Well, I don't give a fuck if they came into my house. I mean, that's, they fucking, that's on them, that's not on me. You didn't have to kill me, man. You didn't have to come to my house and try to take my shit, you fucking asshole. While this can be an effective means of stopping a home invasion, not everyone wants that on their conscious. Oh, this is like the headspace way of fucking taking out an intruder. This is interesting to me. However, if you want to keep your home, family and property safe with less than lethal means, there are other options.

Now, every gun nut out there is like, well, somebody comes in, they got lethal force and all you got is non-lethal force. You brought a knife to a gunfight. That's right, that's right. I don't fucking know what you're talking about. All right, non-lethal self-defense weapons are actually quite abundant and can be an effective and efficient means can be. I want some more, I want stronger language there. Means of protecting you and yours, though some are better for use in your home than others. It's with this, you know what they'll have in the future?

Like if you approach a door or a window past a certain hour and everybody's checked in in the house, like it just freezes you. You know what I mean? The next morning you come out, oh, look at this frozen bastard. You know, they'd freeze you just enough we can't fucking move. You know, and then the cops come and they pick you up. False alarm, it's a raccoon. It's with this in mind that we've rounded up what we believe are the 10 most useful non-lethal defense weapons for home security. They vary in style and format, allowing you to pick the ones that suit your needs best.

But they are all worth considering as a means of staying safe and secure in your own home. All right, so the value of non-lethal self-defense. First of all, we need to read it at the primary purpose of any less than lethal home and self-defense is to keep yourself and your property and your people safe with that. Without causing fatal harm to any intruder or a salient. I don't have any problem killing somebody that comes into my fucking house. My has to do with the fact I have, I have tinnitus. My fucking ears ring and I can't be shooting a fucking gun. Uh, all right.

All right, what do you got here? A glow-in-the-cubaton keychain. I'm not gonna lie to you, it looks like a dildo. I don't know what this is. A dildo that you put your keys on. Looks like a giant spike. Ideally, you'd probably want to keep your distance from your mother's broken into your home. Sadly, that's not always the option.

Yeah, that thing is way too short and that person's going to be way too close. All right, what is this? Saber red crossfire pepper gel. Oh, Jesus, this is the PG. This is rated PG. Cold steel Brooklyn crusher baseball bat. Obviously, most baseball bats could work perfectly well as home defense west. And in fact, they become something of a trope in movies and television for this very reason.

However, baseball bats are typically designed to hit baseball. By contrast, the cold steel Brooklyn crusher looks like a traditional baseball, but was actually designed specifically to use as a blunt weapon. Oh, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. I like that thing. Oh, here we go. Smith and Wesson. Nice.

There we go. Something with credibility here. Collapsible baton. Measuring up to 21 inches when fully deployed. The Smith and Wesson SWBAT collapsible baton gives users the same reach and power as a baseball bat, meaning it can be swung with great force and strike with devastating power. However, unlike a bat, it can be collapsed when not in use just down to 8.5 inches, roughly small enough to stash in any standard night sized nightstand or kitchen drawer.

That's all right. I want something that shoots a projectile here. If I'm facing a gun, what the fuck am I going to do with these batons? Street wise barbarian stun baton. Street wise barbarian as opposed to those coddled barbarians. Stun baton. If you ever accidentally electric, if you've ever been, okay, now we're talking electrocution. All right.

This is what I like. You're probably aware of how much, just how much even a low voltage shot can sting. Of course, if you've never felt it yourself, you can simply Google videos and be, oh, you just turn on a lawn mower and touch the spark plug like I did. Just how unpleasant it can be and how effectively it can drop even a large, healthy man. As such, you can probably understand the value of utilizing the street wise barbarian stun baton as a home defense weapon. Not only will it help, this is the thing.

You need one of these in every fucking room. What if you're watching TV? Hang on a second. I need to go upstairs to the nightstand. Olight warrior X-Pro tactical flashlight. Stay away or I'll blind you, man. As is the case with so many offerings on our list, the Olight warrior X-Pro tactical flashlight is an effective self-defense weapon with some built-in versatility,

meaning it works in more than one way. For starters, the light emits a beam of up to 2100 lumens, which is enough to temporary blind and disorient any attacker. It's so bright in fact that it may be useful even in the case that an attacker is wearing sunglasses. However, if the light fails to halt the attack, this portable torch was also built with a durable and lightweight aluminum body with a tooth bezel designed specifically for striking as a blunt. So I blind him and then I rush him with my flashlight. Armor 100 beanbag gun.

Okay, here we go. This is used by law enforcement and military personnel around the world. The Armor 100 beanbag gun is an effective at knocking down assailants at a distance of up to 20 feet away, sending non-lethal beanbag rounds across the room at a rate of 135 feet per second for a reference. That's enough force to completely knock the wind out of a healthy adult male should you score a direct hit. It's also legal to own in all 50 states. Salt supply S1 pepper spray gun. This looks like a Glock.

It's a mainstay of home self-defense industry and it actually works in two ways. So long as you pick up the black one. I guess the other ones aren't as good. First, it looks like a genuine firearm which could be enough to scare off an intruder in the heat of the moment. However, if the home of air keeps coming at you, you can simply pull the trigger and send pepper spray and or tear gas rounds. It comes within 10 feet, within 10, it comes with 10 of each, sorry, in their direction at a rate of 320. That's pretty cool. It's all right.

What is this one? A taser pulse stun gun. And they got a picture of a rottweil. Adopt a guard dog. All right. I like the ones that shoot shit. I don't like the bats and shit where I got to get in closer. I got a flashlight.

Stay back. I'll blind you. All right. I just wish they could come up with a quiet gun. You know, or in other words, I wish I lived in a state where silencers are legal. Let's see what we got here. This is the last thing I'll look up. Oh, it's beginning to look a lot like silencers.

This is probably not a good thing to search. States where silencers are legal. I know in Florida, it's the first place I ever saw one and shot one. Holy shit. Jesus Christ. I should have Googled which states they're not. Alabama, Arkansas, Arizona. Wait.

AL, Alabama, AK. Then they got AR. Is that Arkansas? Arizona? AZ is Arizona. Wow. Not good with my fucking. What is AK?

Anchorage? What else could that be? What are the A states? Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Alaska. There we go. Colorado, Connecticut, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Mississippi, Montana, Missouri, Nevada. There's another NE.

I don't know what that one is. Northeast Dakota. I have no idea what New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Carolina, North Dakota, Iowa, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, not North Dakota. Interesting. Virginia, West Virginia, Washington, Wisconsin, and Wyoming. There you go.

Basically, every state that surrounds where I live. What is NE? Nebraska is NE. Got it. How many states is that? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38. 38 out of the 50 states.

The fuck are these gun people complaining about? They're crushing it. You're winning 38 to 12. I know nothing about these issues. All right, that's the podcast, everybody. Right now, we're going to go into a clip of Bet MGM with Paul Verzi and myself talking about our bets for the upcoming NFL week. Please enjoy the chatter of two Meathead sports fans.

All right, everybody. What's up and welcome back to our NFL Week 13 preview sponsored by MGM, guys. We are back for Week 13, anything better preview. As you know, we've teamed up with Bet MGM, all the best lines, most reliable lines. We are doing our picks with them. We are loving it. We have special offers for our listeners each week. If you haven't signed up, just go to the app, get the Bet MGM app.

Use bonus code BRR, that's B-U-R-R. Get $200 free after placing your first $10 bet. That's $200 free after your first bet. Here's how it works. You download the Bet MGM app. You sign up using bonus code BRR, B-U-R-R. Place your first $10 moneyline bet on NFL football game. You receive $200 in free bets immediately after placing your bet regardless of the income.

Just make sure you use bonus. The outcome, not the income. Outcome. Sorry, regardless of the outcome of the game. Just make sure you use bonus code BRR when you sign up. All right, guys. Here's how it works. I'm going to fucking throw this thing during this, but we finished Week 12 and no gain for

either of us. Bill and I both went two and two, leaving Bill with a three and a half game lead at 26-one and one. And I am 23 and 25. I was happy about the fucking Lions giving me. I was happy about the Lions hanging on by one point. And then, of course, the teams I thought would do good. But dude, the Pittsburgh Steelers got it handed to them.

Bad. Yeah, we were both off. I was mad at you. I wanted that. You saved me from going one and three. Dude, I mean, that game was over before it started. Yeah, I don't know. This week is hard.

I don't know who anybody is. There's a lot of big spreads. A lot of big fucking spreads this week. A lot of eight and a half, seven and a half, 10, nine. I don't know. I don't know. We'll see. This feels like a fucking one and three week to me.

Who goes first? I go first this week. Dude, I got a nightclub over here. This is really comical, actually. I mean, do you see this? What's going on? Your light keeps going on and off. I like that one.

That's disco Paul. Oh, dude, I'll figure it out. What are you going to do? It's what happens when you don't have. All right. Here are our spreads here, dude. I don't like nothing this week, which is bad. I don't either.

So it's fine. The tough week. All right, dude. I am looking the first game that I did take a look at, man. I don't know if Pittsburgh's going to bounce back. I don't think I'm going to mess with Pittsburgh anymore, dude. I don't think I'm going to mess with Pittsburgh anymore, dude. The Washington football team going into.

Las Vegas Raiders. The line they're getting. Two and a half. They seem to be coming. But the Raiders had that Thursday night when. I'm going to take the Washington football team. I'm literally looking at this now. I'm going to take the Washington.

I kind of like that. I'm going to take the Washington football team getting two and a half in Vegas. That's what I'm going to do. All right. Out of the gate, I got to, I got to go. I'm going to take the Pats getting three in Buffalo on Monday night, Paul. The tough thing I've been singing a Christmas song about the Patriots. So it's beginning to look a lot like 2001.

Who is this? Mac Jones and our coach is Billy B. And he's working on the D and all the Colts fans are going to cry. I'm singing that until later. I just sang them on the Mac, that McAfee show. Patriots plus three in Buffalo. I think we have the defense that Bill Belichick needs to frustrate a young talent like Jared Gough.

The fuck's his name? Who do they got out there again? Justin. Huh? Justin Long. Who do they have? Josh Allen. Josh Allen.

Justin Long. What's his face? Buffalo. I don't even understand what they are, dude. Like they had really no significant injuries. They were covering double digit spreads and then all of a sudden they were like, hey, wouldn't it be fun if we just suck for a few weeks and like lost to Jacksonville and let the Patriots get back in it?

I don't know what they're doing. This is a do or die game for the Buffalo Bills. And you know what, Paul? I don't think they got it in them. I don't. Until the Buffalo Bills show me that they can fucking win games like this. There's going to be a whole bunch of tables broken with no championship flags. That's what I'm calling.

And I got to say something here, man. And I mean this. You, your instincts lately, Bill, I'm going to tell you something, man. Guys, Bill Burr, I know we're comedians, but what Bill Burr is doing right now is fucking picking against the spread for games. Over the fucking 500 mark and his instincts are good and I'm not going to lie. It's scaring. Okay.

It's scaring me because he's jinxing me and it's going to go off the rails the last five weeks. No, because I've been texting you this. I'm not jinxing you. You know, I'm not trying to do that shit. You're seeing the game with fire, man. We're both playing with fire. You can't, you know, you go back to the room and we're still sitting there at the fucking

blackjack table. I don't know. Believe me, the competitor in me wants you to not start seeing the games as good as you're seeing them. But right now you're seeing clear, Bill. You've got new windshield wipers. There's no, there's no smudge. There's no smudge in your windshield.

I don't know, dude. I went 0 and 4 two weeks ago, so let's, let's fucking get down a little. We'll see. We'll see what happens. I don't know. It's a good analogy though. No smudge, no squinting. You know what, Paul?

That was a good analogy. I should have given it up. My apology. Go ahead. I don't need it. You brought it up again. I kind of felt like, you know, maybe it doesn't have to do with me. Maybe it's something else going on in your personal life, but you needed to be acknowledged

and I'm doing that. I'm going to take the New York football giants and here's why. Listen, listen. I know I do it a lot here. Just hear me out first. Bill, you take the pads too. I know, but they're playing. I didn't take them at the beginning of the year.

Paul, you bet. Look into your heart. You're betting with your heart here. Look into your heart and she's calling for you. I was thinking Miller's crossing on tutorial. Look into your heart. The giants are coming off of a win. They're coming off of a win going to Miami.

I don't know who Miami is. I don't know. Miami doesn't know who the fuck they are. That's why they're dangerous fucking bastards. But but the giants are getting four points. That's more than a field goal. So I'm saying if we lose the game, it could be a heartbreak and field goal situation.

Our defensive backs are playing really well. By the way, Xavier McKinney, Xavier McKinney, cornerback of the New York football giants, vote them into the fucking all-star game because he's an animal. Pro Bowl. Yeah, Pro Bowl. I'm taking the New York football giants getting four in Miami. All right.

Here we go. You know, a few months back, we went head to head, the Seattle Seahawks versus the San Francisco 49ers. And those Seattle Seahawks, when they were a little more healthier, they went into Levi Stadium and they beat the San Francisco 49ers. So this is the second time they're playing. And I want to take Seattle, but I just don't see them

beating the 49ers twice this year, even though it's on the fucking road. It's a three and a half point spread. I think Russell Wilson's finger is still bugging him. So he can't be the devastating talent that he is. I think Jimmy Garoppolo goes in, keeps playing the way he's playing, and he fucking, he sneaks out a win. Sneaks out a win.

Oh, fuck. I want, I really like San Francisco. They're a good pick. Ah, shit. You like that game? All right. Oh, God. Should I do this?

Should I fucking do this? I'm going to do it. Who do I have cornered animal? You're down three and a half games, man. You got to make a fucking move here. I you have a four and a week coming. I'm calling that Paul Versey. I already liked that Washington pick.

We got six weeks left and I got to gain some ground here. I have the Giants and I have Washington. I am going to do something because I believe in a coach and the coach I believe in everybody is I believe that a coach that's never had a losing record and Mike Tomlin is going to go home after being embarrassed in Cincinnati. It falls into my theory. A good team, a better than 500 team coming home.

They got a prideful coach. They got a good, rich franchise history. They're playing a division rival and they're getting four and a half points in Pittsburgh. Oh, you got my theory in there too. After getting handed there after Joe Burrow took the hearts out and showed them it, I am taking the Pittsburgh Steelers to bounce back and show that they will not be manhandled

or bullied like that. And they come home getting four and a half points against the Ravens who, by the way, real quick, I love that whole thought process. The whole fucking reason behind that, Paul. That's how you gamble. But here's the thing as as much as by the way, we want to apologize to everybody.

I'm not apologize to everybody, but we were talking about not apologize to everybody, but we were so fucking close on the Sunday night special. Baker may feel through the pick in the guy's hands. He did this Bible thing. It hit the ground. Everything else hit. All of the things hit.

But Lamar Jackson throws four picks in the game. They still got lucky enough to win the game. But Lamar Jackson, a stat that I recently heard Lamar Jackson has four games this year with multiple double with multiple interceptions in the game. So that makes the Ravens a little bit. It means he's playing a little bit reckless. He said he needs to play better.

Pittsburgh's going to jump all over. There you go. I said, I've said my piece. Go ahead, Bill. But you don't think because he played reckless last week that he reels it in. That's a tough one. I like that pic though.

I'm going to take the Dallas Cowboys minus four and a half going into New Orleans. I just don't feel like they don't have a fucking quarterback. I don't know. I know the Cowboys are fucking erratic. I know they're on the road, but I think they have enough talent to get in there. And I don't know.

I don't know shit about either one of those teams. I just know James Winston is out. Drew Brees retired. It's a weird year for them. You know what it is, dude? I like their coach better than the Cowboys coach. But I don't think he has the weapons he needs to get it done. Although I gotta tell you, the Cowboys coach, he has a look on

his face like he already lost. Every time they cut to him. Dude, he looks like he's going to be just sitting at an auto body shop in five years as like the friend of the owner reading the paper all day. I know. I mean, he has to do something about his look. You know what he needs, Paul?

He needs manscaped. Hey, get him the 5.0. I already hate that pic, but I'm going with the Cowboys minus four and a half. These are the weirdest pics I've felt all year. I'm going to take the Indianapolis Colts laying eight and a half to beat the shit out of the Texans. They just lost.

They just lost a heartbreaker. They fought really hard against the Buccaneers. They looked like they could have beaten the Bucs. They got Jonathan Taylor running back. What's his name? Carson Wentz is playing well. Carson Wentz scores points. Carson Wentz is playing well.

He scores points and he's not injured, knock on wood. The Houston Texans. I know they're having a decent thing with this Tyrone Taylor, but I don't buy it. They stink. I like the Colts. They should win that game by 10. I'm told buy it.

They stink. Fuck them. I'm taking the Indianapolis Colts as my last pic, having to win by nine or more. I like it. So I'm going four and over, oh, and four. I feel it. One of the two.

I feel one and three. All right, Paul, I got two games I'm looking at here and I cannot make up my mind. You feel one and three about me? About me. I feel seeing things clear. Don't say that. No, I, uh, the cheese first Denver, nine and a half.

That's in Denver, right, Andrew? The one on the bottom, the team on the bottom is home. Well, I'm looking at just, I just wrote. No, it's in Kansas. It's in Kansas City. It's in Kansas City. It's in Kansas City, dude. The chiefs are starting to play, but it's a division rival.

I did that fucking numbers perfect. And then I'm also looking at the Cardinals going into Chicago, minus seven and a half. Can fucking Denver, is Denver really going to lose by more than 10 points in, I don't know. I think these are two teams that are going in two different directions. Denver's coming off a nice win though.

Yeah, I didn't know that. Denver look good. Their defense look good. They're coming off of a win. Chicago's D looks good too. It's probably going to be cold. Talk about a team. You don't know, dude.

I don't know who the fuck are the bears? I know. I don't know. I'm fucking. They've been winning for me all year. I'm taking the Phoenix, the Arizona Cardinals. No. Seven and a half in Chicago.

Fuck it. I'm going to, I do. That's an oh and four week. If I ever saw one. This week is wild. The spreads are just so this two fucking big. They're changing. Yeah.

All right, Bill. It's time to give him the song. It's time to give him the song. Oh, yeah. Oh, here we go. Was this Monday night? Yeah. Okay.

Oh, what is it? Oh, let the Monday night special shine a light on you. Let the Monday night special. All right. Win some fucking money for you. By the way, somebody came up to me. I want to thank all the anything better fans that came out to see me at the stress factory and one guy comes up to me and

he goes, I listened to both of the podcasts of anything better, the NFL one and the regular one. And he said your Monday night specials. He goes, other places are doing this. He goes, you guys, no one's hitting them. You guys hit two in a row and come close multiple times. So let's do this Monday night special is bills. New England Patriots going into Buffalo and the line is three.

What parlay do we want to do here? What do we think is going to happen here? Under. Oh, okay. You like under all fucking day. This is not going to be a shoe. What is the over under? I think it's 43, dude.

It's 43 and a half. 43 and a half. You want to throw a Mac Jones bed in this thing. What do you think Mac's going to do? I think he's going to have one touchdown pass. I think we're going to try to keep it on the ground. I think this is going to be a classic. Bill Belichick time possession game.

That's why I, you know, I like the under. I'm also biased because I'm a Pat's fan. I feel like they're going to, you know, take away their best option. Make them beat you with the segments, the shit that he does, but nobody does it better. And he has the defense to do it. I also think Buffalo is a really good team.

Mac Jones at the end of the day is a rookie quarterback. So I don't see that. I don't see that. I don't see that. I don't see that. I don't see that. I don't see that. I think our game today is a rookie quarterback.

So I don't see them scoring a lot of points. So I like the under. I like Mac. Jones throwing one. You want to do? Josh Allen running one in? You want to throw Josh Allen throwing the pick or no? I like Josh Allen running one in.

All right. I mean, that's the money's not going to be good if you want to do that. I like that. I'm whatever you want to do. What are you, what are you seeing? Paul, I like the Mac. Jones, throwing one.

I'll definitely go what you're under. I think Josh Allen is going to be down late in the game and make a mistake. I think Josh Allen is going to throw a pick. All right. I mean, I like that. I want that to happen because I think your defense is going to have him having to play catch up.

And then he's going to, he's a big kid. He throws. He's a slinger. I think he's going to throw one deep. One of your safety is going to pick it off towards the end of the game, maybe late in the fourth quarter. And it's a wrap. That's just my thought.

I'll go with that. I don't see that, but I'll go with it. Oh boy. All right. But the one that I'm on the fence with is the under. So we'll call it even and we hope for the best. Yeah. No, this is going to be, yeah, it's going to be Belichick

just doing what he does. He has. Oh, Bill's got. Bill is the team to do what he wants. He's just doing it now. He's doing that like 2001. We used to win games 20 to 17. I don't like this, Andrew.

Burr is seeing football real good right now. I could see it. I could see it. All right, guys. That is the, that's the Monday night special. So there's no confusion. Mac Jones throws one. Josh Allen gives one away and the under 43 and a half for the

game for your what bill for the what for the Monday night special. All right. So when some money for you. All right, guys, that is it for this week's NFL preview show and remember guys, please. Please go to the best, most reliable source for all your betting lines.

That is bet. MGM make all your picks there. There's going to be special offers for our listeners. If you haven't signed up yet, it's very simple. Go to bet. MGM use a bonus code. Burr. That's BURR and you'll get $200 free after placing your first

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Have fun. Enjoy it. Join us. People are loving it. Make sure you use bonus code Burr and when you sign up and have a good time with us, we will be back next week for more NFL football action. All right.

And that wraps up the bet MGM segment of the podcast. Please enjoy the music picked out by the wonderful Andrew Thamelis. And afterward, you'll listen to a bonus episode, a greatest hits episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from a Thursday. I don't know. Sometime in the past, man.

All right. Have a great weekend. See you later. I was riding on the Mayflower and I thought I'd spot some land. I yelled for Captain E. Rev. I have you understand. Who came running to the deck? Said boys, forget the wheel.

We're going over yonder. Cut the engines, change the sails. All on the ball line. We sang that melody like all tough sailors do. We're in FI with see. I think I'll call America. I said as we hit land, I took a deep breath. I fell down.

I could not stand. Captain E. Rev. He started writing up some deeds. He said let's set up a fork and start buying a place with beats. When this cop comes down the street, crazy as a loon, he throws us all in jail for carrying our clothes. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, December 2nd, 2013. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a moray. When a man and a guy have rigatoni on the slide, that's a moray. Hey, that ain't all that fucking song goes. One man is not supposed to lay down with another man.

How dare you say that so close to the Vatican? Ciao bella. Grazie. Prego. Si. Perfetto. I said dice, go fuck yourself. Hey, this is Bill Byrne.

I'm over here in Rome, Italy. And once again, my fucking mixer. For some reason, it doesn't work over here. And what I'm starting to think is that, you know, when I was in Australia, I just plugged it right to the wall and that was the end of that. It had no, I was going to say surcharge, no circuit breaker. It didn't have, it wasn't a hurricane ready, basically,

and it got blown over. But this time I actually got the little adapter or the converter or whatever the fuck it is, adapter, I guess. And it still isn't working. So here I am. Here I sit, trying to hold my hand steady as I talk directly into my recorder. All right.

I don't know what the levels are like. I don't have a mixer. It's going to be a fucking cluster fuck. So there you go. All right. By the way, somebody sent me some stupid tweet going, you know, Bill, when you don't care, we don't care. Just always remember that.

Like, I don't know what the fuck that means, but what do you mean we don't care? What is the we in that statement? Huh? What you and all the voices in your fucking head. Stop acting like you're running a union. All right. If you don't like my fucking podcast, believe me.

There's plenty of other selections here on the all things comedy network. Oh, he slips on a plug. Yes. Listen to the echo of this fucking room here. Yeah. So I'm in Rome, Italy, and it is totally lived up to the hype. It's been absolutely freaking amazing over. I got pizza coming out of my fucking age.

I had the worst heartburn last night. I ate two pizzas yesterday, like both within like two hours. Like that's how good the pizza is over here. And like a fucking camel drinking water. I know that eventually I'm not going to be here. At the source of the greatest pizza on the fucking planet. And then I'm going to go out to Los Angeles, arguably the anti source of the greatest pizza on the planet.

So I'm trying to stock up all of those memories. And yeah, the food has just been outstanding here. But you know, just like any place, there's always people living off the legend. So you really have to, you know, you got to ask around is what I did. And when you ask where's a good place to get pizza, you don't do it standing outside the fucking Coliseum or down there at the Vatican or the leaning tower of fucking Pisa. Right.

You don't because you're just going to run into some guy from fucking Detroit. And what you want to do is go up to some Italian dude and find out where the fuck he eats. That's basically what we have been doing. And it's been absolutely, it's been amazing. It's been amazing. So if you're listening to this thing and you always wanted to come to Italy, how about the next time the ghost of Steve Jobs comes out with a new phone or some other douchebags make another phone?

Why don't you say fuck that phone? My phone still works. I don't need that phone. I can still text. I can still talk. I will save the money I'm going to spend on that fucking $300 hunk of shit. That's not going to be worth anything. It's four months when the next one comes out and just save up for a plane ticket and get your ass over here.

Fucking stay in a cardboard box. Do whatever you got to do. I wish I didn't wait till I was 45 to come over here. But still, it's been awesome. But it ain't that bad. All you have to do is just get your ass over here. I brought the lovely Nia with me. And one of my goals in life is I always wanted to fly first class where you go up the staircases.

They have the hump in the front of the plane. So I used a bunch of miles and I made sure that we were flying business class. And when we were flying Air France and when we got to the airport, it was one of those fucking double-decker planes, the A300. And I'm sitting there looking at my ticket and said, I was like, we were in 63A and B. And I was like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. I thought we were in business class.

I used all these miles. You know, when I'm flipping the fuck out and everything, it turns out we were in business class. We were just in business class upstairs. So they already went through one through 60 downstairs. So we were like row three upstairs. And they had two jetways. We come walking down.

They were like, no, sir, you're on the upper deck. So I'm fucking psyched. So we come in there and we're upstairs on an airplane. You know what? It looked just like downstairs. Just looked like a fucking plane, but it was still cool. And we went up there and I'm going, oh man, look at those nice business class seats.

They can fold down. I can lay down. This is going to be great watching all the movies and everything. And then all of a sudden there was this fucking ungodly, goddamn fucking smell. You know, New York City, body odor, stinking fucking smell. Upstairs in business class on an international fucking plane. I'm like, what the fuck is that smell?

Right? Two words, air, France. All right. The key word is not air there. It's certainly not fresh air, air, France. This fucking French dude. Okay. Now I'm not coming down on all the Frenchies here,

but I discovered where the stereotype came from in this one passenger. All right. I now understand peppy lapieu. Good fucking Lord with his fucking tight ass goddamn shirt. This guy, I swear to God, arms at his side. He looked like a guy wearing a shirt that didn't fit. Okay. Sticking his fucking suitcase up into the overhead compartment.

It was like you were in the back of a cab in New York City in July with no fucking air conditioning. I couldn't, I couldn't fucking believe it. I couldn't believe it. And he kept forgetting shit and going back up and every time that that stink was starting to go away. He'd have to reach up and get something. So of course, you know me, I am by no means master of my emotions. So I'm looking over at the lovely Nia, who's just taking it in stride. Granted, she also has the window seat.

I have the aisle. So I'm right next to fucking stinky lapieu over there. And I'm like, do you fucking believe this? You fucking place fucking spent all this fucking money fucking fucking business class fucking fuck fuck fucking. She's just like, it's okay. He'll get his comb or whatever and he'll sit down and that's what happened. He sat down and eventually that fucking smell went away. But Jesus Christ, it's fucking unreal, man.

You know, and all you hear about when you go to Paris is what cunts they are and how they treat everybody like shit. And I thought, all right, that's that ignorant American thing. Right. But last night I was in an Irish pub, hilarious. I'm in Rome. I'm in an Irish pub because I have to be honest with you. Like I love Italian food, but you can't fucking I've realized you if you eat it four days in a fucking row. All right.

I got off the post come on my fucking is over here. I just needed what we walked by this, this great stripper of stores and all that type of shit. And, and Nia happened to look in there was hockey on like the flyers game was on. And she meet was like, Oh, Bill, I know you're going in there. And of course I went in there. And then of course, two seconds later, I met some guy from Boston and we're sitting there talking about when the Pats games going to come on. It was just fucking great. You know, so it was like, it was basically it was heaven.

I was in the sports bar. I could watch the Bruins, the Celtics of the Patriots, depending on who was playing obviously. And then I stepped out and I was in fucking Rome and right across the way was one of the best pizza places in Rome had this ridiculous line. And I had gotten there early. That's the place where I ate it there twice. I already ate there once. And then yesterday I ate there twice. And right now, after getting myself into great shape, I now look like maybe two weeks ago, I had a baby.

I have a lot of baby fat on me right now. Post pregnancy pooch. I have a cunt belly everybody. I'm not going to lie to you. Then it's disgusting. And right next door was this gelato place. So I was eating pizza and then I was going and getting gelato and then I was coming in and I was drinking fucking McCallum. And it was just the best time ever.

So there was this Italian guy in there and he's watching this soccer and I'm watching the Patriots. And so we ended up starting to talk. He couldn't really speak English. I can barely speak three words of Italian, but I did know some Spanish. So we were kind of the middle ground with Spanish. So we were kind of communicating. It was really cool using English, Spanish and Italian in our eyes. But anyways, I'm talking to him and I was saying Italian seemed a little easier to pick up than Spanish because Spanish goes by.

It speaks so quickly. And with Italian, it's like every third word, they draw it up. So they kind of slow it down for you. And he was laughing and he was saying how he also liked the French, speaking French, but he didn't like French people. And I was like, did they treat you like shit too? And he was like, yes, see. And it's just like, wow, just in general, they're just kind of cunts to everyone. Which is confusing and fucking hilarious to me all at the same time.

I don't know what is their problem over there. All I know is I can't wait to go there. And my dream has always been to be totally fluent and be able to speak French and go to Paris and then just sit there and listen to them say a bunch of horrific shit about me. Not realizing I understood every word. Isn't that a weird dream? Isn't that a weird motivation? You know, to learn how to speak the language. Does anybody French listen to this thing?

Preferably some haughty. They can put on a French maids outfit and teach me the language because I would show up for every class because other than that, I just can't seem to... I just can't seem to fucking dedicate myself to it. So anyways, I hope this is sounding alright. I'm trying not to move the recorder too much. So anyway, so we land in Charles de Gaulle airport. And as we're coming in on the left side of the plane, we saw a little bit of Paris, which is really exciting. And really cool because Nia's always wanting to go there.

So she was acting like a little kid, which was great. And we land and we're all excited thinking, okay, now we're only like another hour and a half, whatever, hour and 10 minute flight from Rome. And then of course there was that ungodly fucking smell of that French fuck with his fucking yellow shirt, his yellow button down. I was really looking at the guy like, how the fuck have you managed in life to be able to get into business class here smelling the way you do? Okay, I've had to jump around like a monkey and I wore many layers of deodorant to get where the fuck I am, to be sitting next to you on this fucking plane. How do you go into your boardroom? How do you run your cult? How would sell your fucking widgets smelling like that? Do you just walk into your place of business with your hands plunged into your slacks like fucking pockets? That's the only goddamn way.

I know I'm an angry guy, but I'm just saying this guy smelled so bad like I was actually, I had rage. I just slapped him with a glove. You know what I'm gonna do next time? I'm bringing a white glove when I go to Paris. And when somebody treats me rudely, I'm just gonna slap him in the face with that glove and you know what? I don't think they're gonna do anything. I in general do not have fear of waiters in Paris, even though I've never been there. No, watch, there's probably a bunch of fucking mixed martial artists. Not only will I get treated like shit by some non-perfume wearing cunt, he's also gonna... Do they even body slam you? Hey, I know this video came out in 2007, but did you ever see that video with that rapper Acon? Is that how you say his name? He's doing a show and somebody threw something at him and he's like, who was it? Point him out, bring him up here.

And as they bring this fucking kid up, this nerdy, I think he was an Asian dude. I don't know what. But as he pulls the kid up onto stage in one move, oh by the way, he's taken off his Jesus piece and his wife beater. So now he's just standing there shredded in his oversized jeans and he pulls this kid up on stage and in one move puts this kid up over his head like fucking Tony Atlas and then throws him into the crowd. And the dude just lands on some girl. It was the funniest shit, like, do you know how bad I would love to do that to a heckler? You know, take off my fucking, my button down stand there with my blinding alabaster fucking shirt with my little, my torso with my cunt belly and just pick somebody up over my head and just throw him into the crowd. Dude, it was like Marvel Comics. The only thing missing is he didn't go, the kid didn't go through a brick building. I don't know what happened and I don't want to encourage anybody to take any sort of action, but I can't imagine if his accountant or his lawyer was in the crowd while watching him do that. They just must have just been like, hey, well, that's the end of my salary. Looks like we're not having Christmas this year.

I'll post that video or you can just search for it by the end of this podcast. I'm sure you've already found it, you know, 58 different places. But Nia showed me that when, you know, we were getting acclimated to the time over here at like two in the fucking morning, we were both wide awake. And she showed me that God damn it, that made me laugh. That really made me laugh. Who the fuck does the show and does crowd control? I wonder that guy has so much fucking money. He's wearing a lot of hats. So anyways, what am I up to here? I'm gonna have to advertise it here in a second. So we finally, a sneaky French guy gets off the fucking plane. We get off the plane and it was the weirdest thing. We were connecting in Paris. So I just thought we would just go connect, but we don't. We had to go through security again. I already went through security to get on the fucking plane and now they want us to go through security again.

And I'm like laughing at Nia like what do you think they I fucking somehow, you know, made a gun on the plane, fashion something out of out of the seatback tray. Why are we doing this again? And so we're trying to go through and I got to tell you something about French people. They have some cutting sons of bitches. If you even remotely aren't on your game, they'll try to pass you in the corners. Like Formula One racing, like when you're just standing there going through the zigzag maze, when you're trying to deal with these fucking people. And this one guy was doing it so bad, Nia finally just goes excuse me and I was like, yeah, dude, what's your, oh yeah, dude, what's your problem to some French guy? And then I had to like stare him down. He's just standing in his fucking line. It's going like half a mile an hour, right? So we finally get through the shit and then we get on the Italian, you know, airlines and we're flying there.

You go over the fucking Swiss Alps. It's insane. And then we land in Rome and it's the funniest shit ever like we're landing in Rome. They never gave us anything to fill out. There was no what are you bringing into the country? I think there was nothing. We go to the airport. There was no, there was nothing. They didn't check us in. You just got off like I was getting off at Logan Airport. It was hilarious. So we get in the cab and as we're going into Rome, I got to tell you something. These people on these scooters over here, they might be the greatest riders on scooters. I don't know if you can respect that, but like we would be going around a turn and there would be like six of them

in a row on our side of the road on the other side of the double line going around traffic on their side. And my driver never slowed down and the guys in the scooter never slowed down. And at the last second they would pinch in to the double line as we went flying by him without a care in the world. Like Centipede is what the video is like a video game. And I've kind of noticed that over here. These fucking drivers are amazing. It's like the way people drive in Boston, like that level of aggressiveness, except I've yet to see an accident. And it even says in the little touristy book that if you're standing in the crosswalk, if you want to get across, you have to make the first move because they don't slow down.

So it's yet another reason why I'm having the time of my life over here. And then this Irish pub has just been this oasis like I just go and I saw the Spanish stairs. I went to the Coliseum. Nia's mom's coming over here, so I didn't do any of the tours of any place yet. But I did just go over to look at the Coliseum and it's just, it's just insane. You guys, you got to do it, okay? Fuck iPads, fuck phones, flat screen TVs and all of that shit. I mean, come over here when no one wants to come over here because it's fucking cold over here by the way, which is a little bit of a disappointment. But for some reason I just thought it was down near the Mediterranean Sea. I just kept thinking, God, Father, too, we'd be out in the country and meet some gorgeous woman.

She'd go out to start my rental car and it would blow up and then I would cry. You know, Nia would comfort me and say that the threesome was over. You know, I had my dreams. But I came over here and it was cold. It's been cold, but seriously, it's not that big a deal to come over here. Forever, I never, I don't know, Europe, I just seemed like a zillion miles away. I was like, oh, someday I'm going to fucking do it. If you're not married, you don't have any fucking kids. There's nothing stopping you other than buying those stupid things down at the fucking ice door. And with that, let's try to make some money with some advertising. The man great, everybody, it's that time of year again. This holiday season, think the man great. What is the man great? You may ask.

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Alright, back to the podcast. Finally, it finally happened. So anyways, Nia's mom is here, so today we're actually going to go over to the Vatican. And you know, it's fucking hilarious, like the other day Nia's going like, alright, the pope's coming out and he's going to give Mass at noon. And I'm telling you, like, I look out my window and I can see the wall. I can't. I got to walk down the street and go around the corner, but basically I can see the wall that surrounds the Vatican. So she goes, you want to go down there? I'm like, yeah, I'll go down there. It's the fucking pope.

That's the Elvis of Priests. I got to go down and go see this guy. And I don't know, then I was laying in bed the next morning. I was like, I don't want to go, but fucking go down there for what? After all this shit that they've done, like that's the place right there behind those walls where they were like, alright, there's people fucking boys. How are we going to handle this? And they did what they did. Like, why am I going to go down there? I was like, you know what? Fuck it. But I do want to see that painting where there's a person reaching out, touching the other person, like the ET thing. And they're sort of, you know, you ever walk down the street with the male friend of yours and your hands accidentally kind of graze one another?

You know, that awful, creepy feeling? Well, somebody painted that on a ceiling. So, you know what's funny right now? The amount of people that actually know the name of that and the artist. And for some reason they feel that that means that they're smarter than me. You know, I don't think it does. Who wrote that? Was that Michelangelo? Michelangelo? Was it the Count of Montecrisco? Christo, maybe? She read that book too. We've gone into a couple of churches, old churches here, and I just, I just don't like it. I don't like the whole, I don't like the fucking mood they put you in.

Like, why do they have to make you so scared of dying in the afterlife? You can walk in and they got the candles. It's all quiet. Why is it so fucking quiet? Is God always taking a goddamn nap? Is he ever in a good mood? I feel like he's some overbearing father and it's dad's home. Everybody quiet, dad's home. I absolutely fucking hate churches. I can't stand them. I fucking went into two of them because I want to go in there and appreciate the fucking architecture. And I go in there and I immediately resent the fucking mood they try to put me in.

It's hat in hand. Oh my God, am I living my life the right way? Is the invisible thing upset with me? Creepy ass church music. They just sitting there and people coming in and getting on their fucking knees. They make you do that at Walmart? No. Well, there you go. If you can't do the math on that, I can't help you. But whatever. Knee's mom goes to church. She's a good person. So we're going to go over there today and tomorrow we're going to go to the Coliseum.

And those are the two touristy things that I'm doing because other than that, all that touristy shit, you can take it, turn it up sideways and shove it straight up your fucking candy ass because I'm not doing it. I'm done with all of that shit. Stonehenge, go fuck yourself. I'd look at that. You know, I look about Stonehenge, you can drive by it and see it. I'm not getting on a fucking plane for 15 goddamn hours next to some smelly French guy. You know, every time he shifts in his seat, I smell his fucking, I don't know what, the stress of his life. I'm not doing that for 15 fucking hours and then to go stand in line. I'm not doing it. Hey, Bill, nobody's saying you have to do it. Good. Well, I'm just making sure you know I'm not.

This is what you do when you, when you, when you fucking use some advice. And I know you didn't ask for it. This is unsolicited advice. And God knows I love giving it out. When you go on vacation with your fucking lady, you just got to, you got to remember you don't really have anywhere to go. So when they're walking really slowly and window shopping, just know that they have in the time of their life and just slow down and look in the fucking windows too. Okay, just plunge your hands into your pockets and, you know, get your eyebrows up as high as you can get them. And, and whatever she says, just be like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I can see that. That is amazing. She was in the best fucking mode. I finally decided, hey, why don't I stop being an asshole? You know, and stop walking 90 miles an hour to go look at where fucking Caesar dipped his balls in a river and just fucking slow down and let her go to all these shops.

I finally think I've realized that all these clothing stores over here for women is like, I don't know. I don't know what, like me going to the pro football hall of fame. It's probably a bad example. I don't know what it is, but they absolutely love it. And if you let them do it and you just go and you sit in that chair next to another sad fucking man and just sit there and let them try on shit and look at stuff. They're having the time at their fucking was one of the smartest things I've ever done in my relationship for like the first day. All we did was just we went down the street that all these great stores. All these, my stomach growing here, all these fucking clothes, like, you know, I don't know, women, they go on the internet and they make these clothes and there's only so many of them. And then they run out and then somehow target gets some and then they go down there and they fucking elbow each other and body slam each other and it's just a fucking nightmare. Like, why don't they make it close? They just don't make enough. They just deliberately make them hard to get and they get these women all out of their fucking minds.

The next thing you know, you've got to go drive to a target on the other side of the 405 to get something. I don't know what. So when they come over here, they got all these fucking clothes that none of the bitches back in the States can get. So you just let them go in there and try this shit on. You get them a couple, two, three things and you know what, you're good. Even if you meet, you're good, you know. So that's my advice. Do that. And then next thing you know, they're in such a good mood. They walk by a fucking Irish bar and they go, hey, look, they got the hockey game on. I know you want to go in there. You know, little give and take. You guys probably already know this shit. All right. So maybe I'm not even saying this to you. Maybe I'm just saying it for me. So I fucking remember how not to be an asshole and be someone that you actually want to be on vacation with. Anyways, back to the podcast here. So I was in that Irish pub and so they had on, they had on a hockey game.

They had on soccer and then they had on this rugby game and it was rugby. It was Australia versus somebody else. And I got to tell you, every time I come over here, I'm more sold on rugby. It's just a fucking, it's just an awesome game. And I really feel like it holds the solutions to NFL football if you're really going to talk about concussions and everything because they just, they lead with their shoulders. You know what I mean? Which I'm sure is how American football used to be, you know, back when they had the leather helmets and you stuck a T-shirt on your shoulder. That was the only pad you maybe had like you led with your fucking shoulder. You didn't leave with your head. Those helmets were the dumbest idea we ever fucking had. Every goddamn week there's another fucking NFL player killing himself or something. It's terrible. So anyways, so you can watch the game knowing that these guys are all going to have back and knee problems and everything. But you know that they're not going to fucking, you know, commit suicide through cops, death by police, you know, that one or kill their whole family and then themselves because they went crazy from slamming their head into somebody else's head for the rest of time.

But it's a fucking awesome game. And I don't know. And then they're just the characters. I don't know half the guys fucking just you're looking at the faces. They're out of their minds. I was watching the sound was down. I didn't know what was going on. And like every five minutes I would just laugh my ass off looking at some fucking lunatic with long hair and a crazy mustache. It's just was awesome. Totally sold on that game. And I know I've made fun of rugby on this podcast, but it's never like I didn't respect the game. The only reason why it did was because you fucking uninformed ignorant shitheads who don't watch American football think that because American football players have on helmets that they're somehow not as tough as rugby players. All right. So you put me in a defensive place. I have to defend it. All right, you fucking cunts. There you go. Anyways, plowing ahead, plowing ahead. Oh, by the way, I got up. I have a book I want to recommend.

I'm Bobby or wrote a book. It's called my story. And I'm just blowing through it over here because I got a little bit of jet lag. And I got to tell you like the beginning of that book, whether you're into sports or not, should be read at the very least just the beginning, you have to at least read that should be required reading for anybody who's going to be a parent or anybody in life who wants to, I don't know, either maximize their own potential or not get in the way of other people trying, you know, to develop whatever gift that they had and he was basically talking, you know, if you don't know hockey, whatever, Bobby or basically he changed the game, especially the position of being a defenseman back in the day. All the defensemen did when his team had the puck was basically skate up to the blue line and just stop there. And your whole goal was basically keep it in the offensive zone and not get caught up ice and but Bobby or was so fast, he would actually go down crashed and that his first defenseman to score over 100 points just he ushered in the error of an offensive defenseman, which was was was completely unheard of. But when he started playing hockey, he was playing forward and he was playing defense and he kind of switched off and I don't know if you seem like they naturally came together, both aspects of playing, you know, both those positions, but he was lucky enough to have a coach that didn't say like, well, now you're playing defense.

And this is how you play defense. You play it from here to here. He actually let him create and I don't know. I saw a lot of parallels to that and the business that I was in that I'm in where it's like He was talking about how, you know, kids when they first start playing hockey should not be you should not be introduced to any sort of system of playing hockey until I don't know, you're like 1560 whatever when you start getting old enough where you're going to actually play in a game that means something. Other than that, you should just let kids create with the puck. And it, I don't know, teaching a kid is basically a system when he's five years old is slowing down the growth of the game, I would think. And there's a lot of parallels like within stand up where like, oh, don't talk about this. That isn't funny or I don't know as people try to find their voice or whatever there's like all these fucking rules. I don't know. I'm trying to think of a of a actual spoken rule in comedy, but there you basically just through watching all this other people do and stand up you kind of get these ideas of like stand up exists from here to right here. And it's the same like idea people had on being a defenseman and hockey. I don't know, as, and I guess, hopefully, if you're an upcoming comic, you're not working, you're not opening for some cunt of a headliner who's telling you, as you go to do something that's outside of the realm of what they think is possible that they go, No, you should never do that. You should never lean on the mic stand with your left hand. Always have it on the right hand. I don't know. Whatever. You know what? He wrote it. You read it. He's a genius. I'm a moron. It took me fucking 10 minutes to get to that fucking point. I apologize. Please do not judge the book on my rambling right there. All right, are we to the point here? 38 minutes in, I got to start reading some shit here. By the way, the Patriots somehow won another one, although let up what would we let up 31 points.

I was watching that Texans game and watching that game is why we're going to make the playoffs and also why we're probably going to lose in the first round because anybody with a defense, we're going to be in fucking trouble because we have too many fork and injuries over there. All right, here we go. Dubai. Hey, Bill. I think you would do great in Dubai if you would do a show here. Think about it. I have thought about it and I've thought about some of the things that I talk about and I've thought about how I don't know what the rules are in your country and I've thought about getting beheaded while I was on stage. And I know most of that's probably ignorant because I've had friends who go over there, but when I picture doing stand up in the Middle East, I picture a bunch of women in burkas, me walking up there going, hey, ladies, why don't you show me what's under the robe there? And then I immediately get grabbed by some sort of secret police and then I'm in that orange jumpsuit rocking back and forth slowly preparing myself to get my head sought off. And now I'm sure that doesn't happen. But that's what I think of. I would love to do it. I'll fucking go over there to your makeshift city with your tall ass buildings, the 10th city right outside of it where everybody built the city. Isn't that how it goes? And then Oprah goes there and is like, there's no taxes. There's no nothing. This is a utopia. You ever see that when she goes to the happiest places on earth? She went to someplace in the Middle East where they said there's no taxes and everything's for free and she completely bought it. Like if you're going to live that way that there wasn't then a group of people that you were just standing on top of their fucking heads.

Oh, Jesus. You know, it's bad enough you're pretending you're reading all of those goddamn books. And every every once in a while when the fucking wolfs at the door you give away a bunch of fucking minivans to keep everybody at bay. It's just, you know, unfucking believable. Panama. Hey, they have read big fan of the podcast been listening to it for the best part of 2013. You mean for the better part of 2013. And it's really an inspiration and a relief that there is angry people who react to shit like I do. You should come. You should come down to Panama. Oh, Jesus Christ. Well, what month can I go down there where I wouldn't just fucking exphyxiate from the heat? You're telling a redhead I should come down to the goddamn equator and do what? Catch malaria? A big part of the population speaks English. We were a US colony for 100 years. I know. I remember that. And then Jimmy Canada. Didn't he give you your freedom? Also, the ex-patriot community is huge. A lot of pasty old balls roaming our beaches. Oh, okay. The point is you would have an audience down here. You would get kidnapped down here. It's too hot. Oh, you wouldn't, you should say. I think you were trying to say you wouldn't get kidnapped down here. It's too hot down here for that. And thugs don't have the energy. Thanks for the podcast and go fuck yourself. Well, what is there to do down in Panama? The only thing I know about Panama is the canal and how you guys dug it and died. And then we took the credit and then we own the Panama canal. That's what it was.

I think Jimmy Carter finally turned it back over to you guys. And then Manuel Noriega. And the only reason why I remember his name is because of that Sebastian Bach story that I told you guys. I'll tell it really quickly when we were having issues with Manuel Noriega, which if I read up, I'm sure we put him in power and everything was cool and then he wanted to run more of his country and then we said he was a terrorist. That's usually how it goes. All right. That's the dysfunctional relationship that we have with just about every country. That isn't a first world country. We're like that guy who keeps picking the psycho chick. Manuel Noriega, Saddam Hussein, we just keep picking the wrong person to stick into power that we can then use as a puppet. I think on our first date with our next dictator, we really need to ask what is his relationship with his parents or his parents divorced so they still together, you know, before we start making the same fucking mistakes again. Anyways, plowing ahead. The only reason why I remember Manuel Noriega's fucking name is because I went to this Aerosmith show, New Year's Eve show at the Boston Garden in December 31st, 1989. I was a convicted drunk driver. I wasn't convicted at that point. Was I? Was I a waiting trial or my arraignment? I mean, I just admitted guilty. I mean, I blew a fucking 1-9. There really was no case there. Anyways, so I go to the thing and I'm stone sober and skid rows opening up.

And for some reason, Sebastian Bach decided to talk about world politics to a bunch of hair metal moron people like me. And this is how he got into it. He was wearing leather pants, of course, was required. And he said, Hey, man, what's up with this man? Well, and he grabbed his dick and he goes suck my fucking burrito, man. And there was a pause and everybody cheered and he then he just said something. I think we should just nuke this guy back to the fucking stone age, man. And everybody just goes everybody cheering. Some reason we thought he just summed up our fucking foreign policy perfectly. But he's Canadian. So it's nice to hear him sound as fucking ignorant as an American. You know, hey, is my stomach been growling? I just realized I'm sort of hearing that in the background. My stomach growling.

I got up early here. I got to do the podcast. What do you want from me? Go fuck yourselves. And by the way, I'm kind of shitting on America here. I'm not acting as if any other country would handle their position of power any better than we have. So fuck you and get off your high horse. All right, smelly roommate. Billy the Schmeckl face chamele. Oh, by the way, somebody helped me with my Yiddish here. Schmuck is a grown man's penis. A Schmeckl is what a little kid has. All right. So when they're breaking each other's balls, I guess they say you went on a date last night. Did she touch you little Schmeckl there? Except they do it with more of a fucking Jackie Mason accent. First off, love to stand up and podcast. Looking forward to catching you the next time you stop near Albany, New York.

I'm a 25 year old guy living with a 26 year old male roommate. Things are swell for the most part. Swell. What fucking year was this written? But he is some interesting quirks. Most of these are no big deal. I live with tons of roommates and I know the deal. Pick and choose your battles. However, his stinky ass towel is starting to become an issue and I'm not sure how to confront him about it. He owns one towel and he only washes it every four to five weeks or so. Jesus Christ. He showers every day. Don't get me wrong, but you do the math. The thing is stiff as cardboard and smells like death. Why would you do that? There's nothing worse than a dirty towel after you come out of a fucking shower, you know? You're smelling like fucking fructose, whatever the hell, bath, body wash thing you're making.

They're making, you know, you put it on you, right? They're Frenchy. You put it on you, especially in your fucking armpits. Maybe you glue the bottle, saw it in half and stick it under both armpits, you cunt. And then you go out there and you take that dirty ass towel and you smell like shit again. That guy's an animal. And he goes, he goes, it's the point where you can smell the damn thing outside the bathroom. I don't know if he does, doesn't have a good sense of smell or if he's just used to it. How the fuck am I supposed to confront him about his abnormal towel practices without hurting his feelings and making things weird? Thanks and have fun in Europe. All right.

Wow, without hurting his feelings, dude, fuck his feelings. This is what you do. Go to bed, bath and beyond. All right. And just go buy him three cheap towels and then call him into the bathroom. And right before he gets there, you already have his old towel in the tub covered in lighter fluid. And right as you hear his footsteps coming around the corner, you like that towel on fire. And you are sitting Indian style on the tank behind the toilet. And as he walks in, just go, and just have him just get him in that. Oh my God, I'm in church. I'm not worthy of being here as you burn his fucking towel and never say anything.

Just be holding all three new towels. And as he talks to you, what are you doing? The smoke alarms going off. Just never break character. And just fucking hand him the towels and then never bring it up again. He'll get the point. If you want to go a more conventional route, If you want to go a more conventional route, just say, hey, this is what you do. You're front and loaded with compliments.

You know, yeah, I love the way you part your hair. Even when you eat crunchy cereal, it's not that loud. And you know, you like watching sports like me. Having said that, or you might want to go with however, Either way, your index finger should be up in the air pointing towards the ceiling, not at him. Don't be confrontational, but do draw a line. However, finger up in the air. You're fucking bath towel.

Okay, just say what you told me. It smells like death. I can smell it on the other side of the door. Okay. It smells like the armpits of a French guy upstairs on an airplane. It fucking reeks. You got to get, if I, you know, I would buy him new towels. I would buy new towels and I would do it.

I would burn his other towel. Literally, I would burn it, burn it in the fucking driveway, in the parking lot. Light that fucking thing on fire. Have a garden hose right there. Make it safe. Maybe some baking soda, depending on what sort of lighter fluid you use. All right. I would burn that fucking thing.

And just that, I mean, the easiest way to do it is when he's not there, you just burn it. If you don't, if you sound like you don't like confrontation, you got to go quality of life here. I would go quality of life. Okay. This guy, I mean, you want, you want the problem gone. So I would burn his fucking towel.

And I would just have three other ones sitting there, ready for him to go and just say, listen to every other week, you got to do this, man. Okay. Cause not only does your towel smell like shit, then you wipe it on yourself, you're going to smell like shit. And that's greatly going to affect the level of pussy that not only you're going to get, but I'm going to get.

Cause if we come, if I bring a woman home and she comes in here and she smells that fucking towel and she's thinking it's me, or even if she doesn't, she doesn't want that thing on her fucking upper lip. All right. You smell like ass, despite the fact that you're showering every day. It's not you, it's your towel. It needs to be just, just fucking burn the thing. All right.

In a safe way. Okay. If you accidentally burned down your apartment, that's on you. If you take you to court, is he going to take you to court over that? I don't think he is. I don't think he is. You're doing my fucking favor. Go to fucking target as one of those goddamn places and just go by.

All right. I'm going to say the same thing over and over again. That's, I always fucking hated that shit about having roommates. That whole guy thing where you fucking live like a goddamn animal. I've never understood that letting dishes pile up and all that shit. I never did that. I was, I was clean. My desk was always a fucking mess.

Come tax time. I had receipts all over the fucking place. When I came to food and hygiene plates, trash being thrown out, that stuff was all taken care of. All right. My clothes might be all over the place. All right. But they were clean.

All right. Ruin the mood. Dear Billy Sam and skin. That was a good one. You fucking asshole. All right. My boyfriend has been a fan of yours for a couple of years. Oh, that was a lady saying that.

That makes it even funnier. Look at you. You're a hot shit and somebody can bang you. You're killing it on two fronts. My boyfriend has been a fan of yours for a couple of years. And yes, I realize how sexist that was. He introduced me to your comedy and podcasts the beginning of last year. And since then I've been a fan.

We've been living in different towns for the last couple of months and I was finally able to go visit him for Thanksgiving. I'd spent a long time and I needed to scratch my itch there. So we're getting ready to get intimate and I tell him to play something because we didn't want the roommates to hear us in our throes of passion. And lo and behold, he turns on your podcast. Oh my God. That's fucking weird.

He goes, he was 100% ready to do it with your voice in the background. Needless to say, my mood was killed. Thank you, Billy. Dude, I don't tell you to play it during your lovemaking. Jesus Christ. What do you want me to add? You got to talk to him. Why does he want the sound of my voice going on in the background?

Does he have a crush on me or is he one of the few males who has the ability to be laughing while coming at the same time? Is those two emotions possible? What would that orgasm sound like? I think it would sound a little something like little 80s comedy, everybody. I don't know what to tell you, sweetheart. I don't think that that's on me. What do you want me to do?

You want me to croon for you? Do you guys want to fuck to this podcast? Lady love, your love is smoother than a baby's ass. My lady love. That's actually Lou Rawls' best song, by the way, Lady Love. I just butchered it. It's funny about back then when pedophilia was really underground. Underground.

Take the underground, yeah. So a lot of the lyrics back then, it's my stomach fucking growls again, a lot of the lyrics back then like you couldn't get away with today. Like I was in some fucking bar over here. And I wasn't even thinking, I was just singing along to the song before Nia finally goes, all right, that's creepy. I think it's, is it Ringo Starr? You're 16.

You're beautiful and you're mine. I'm not even thinking, right? I'm just listening to the melody. Ba-ba-da-boo. Ba-ba-da-da-da-dee. Ba-ba-da-da-da-da-dee. You're 16. You're beautiful and you're mine.

And she just goes, all right, that's creepy. And I'm like, yeah, that is kind of creepy singing about an underage girl. Underage lady. People sit there nowadays and they sing that fucking sweet Caroline. I've talked about that a zillion fucking times. He wrote that song about Caroline Kennedy when she was like 12. Hands touching hands, reaching out, touching you, touching me. Fucking creepy.

And if you listen to that Lou Rawls song, Lady Love, something you'll, you'll, you'll love is softer than a baby's touch. I know what he means. But just, you know, who's getting who? To catch a predator ruined a lot of pop songs. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. Stamps.com, everybody. With the holiday omas here, you don't have time to go to the post office.

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Print postage for any letter or package, the instant you need it. Then the mailman picks it up. So easy and convenient. I use Stamps.com to send out all my t-shirts, my magnets. All right, never my magnets. My t-shirts, by the way, podcast t-shirts are available. I'm selling my stuff within selling this. My DVDs, my posters, all of that.

And I'm a moron. So if I can figure it out, you can too. Right now, get this special offer when you use my last name Burr, B-U-R-R, for a no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait. Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr.

That's Stamps.com. Enter Burr, B-U-R-R. Oh man, I thought I was done. There's one more. Jesus Christ. Evoise. The holidays are coming. And as a business owner, you know what that means.

Crickets. Face it. The next couple of months are the calm before the storm. Now's the time to do something that will dramatically help you in your 2014. What is it? It's Evoise. Evoise is a simple technology that helps you to make more money. With Evoise, Evoise is toll free or local numbers,

call routing tools, and a professional dial by name directory. Your business will look like a million bucks. And with Evoise, you can take a call, excuse me, and with Evoise, if you can't take a call, they will transcribe the voicemail and email it to you. You'll never be caught off guard again. Evoise has been saving companies thousands of dollars every month, making them more efficient and more productive.

There's no quicker or easy way to transform your business for 2014. And with Evoise, you can try it before you buy it. Right now, you can get a free 30-day trial to Evoise. When you go to evoise.com slash billburr, or go to billburr.com and click on the Evoise banner. That's evoise.com slash billburr or billburr.com and click on the Evoise banner. All right, now's the time to take charge of your business and prepare for your productive 2014.

Do it now, please. All right, new banker scan. Oh, by the way, the podcast teachers have been flying off the shelf, so I want to thank you guys for helping me clear out my garage. I always get nervous whenever I have anything new to sell that nobody's going to buy it, and then what am I going to do with it? Send it back to Honduras. New banker scan.

Hey there, Billy Boy. Supposedly the housing market is on the rise again, but the reasons for it aren't being told. Big banks are buying up tons of homes across the country in cash with the intent to rent them out. Not so bad as you realize that they're going to take those rental payments, group them together as a security, and sell them to investors just like they did with the mortgage securities

that tank the economy. So they basically made millions of people homeless so they could buy back these houses cheaper and then rent them back to us at prices that will probably rise over time because they own the houses outright. When will it end? Here's a link to the article.

Well, I hope it explains... I don't understand what a security is. I don't even know what the fuck that is. All I know is that every dime that I have extra goes to the principal on my house. And that's the way you should do it. If you're a youngster and you haven't bought a house yet, don't buy something where you can just make the payment.

Buy something where you can knock down the principal because banks do own everything. And even when I pay off my house... Stupid stomach. Even when I pay off my house, even then it's just a matter of time before they own it again. They're just waiting for me to die. And then they're going to get it back again.

It's awful. They own everything. They fucking own everything. He goes, anyway, I just want to let you know you've helped me through a lot in my life and I can't thank you enough. Thanks for doing what you do and go fuck yourself. No worries.

All right, well, if you guys want to read more about this banking thing, it's www.motherjones.com slash politics slash 2013 it's the backslash, by the way. Backslash 11 slash wall street

slash buying slash foreclose slash homes. Oh, we could just put the link up for you. Um, aging. All right. I gotta wrap this up, people. I'm supposed to go over to the fucking touristy thing here.

Uh, aging. Dear Bill Bill Salabim All right, I'm 43 years old and people tell me that I look like I'm in my early 30s. I don't really care much or think about it, but I am writing to you about it, so obviously I do.

I added that part. But every now and then, my friends tell me I should be taking advantage of it. I don't really know what that means. I'm single and I date here and there. Should I be looking for young tail? Jesus Christ, do they have to spell it out for you? Apps of fucking Lutely.

Go get yourself a Letterman sweater. Maybe you'll look like you're 22. Huh? You're just right. Or were you? You're 43 and single. That means you're a psycho like me. Um, is that what the kids call it? Young tail?

Should I show up to an arcade fire concert in skinny jeans and live tweet the concert? How do I take advantage of looking and feeling young? Dude, you don't want to do that. Look, you're 43. If you want to bang a 30-year-old, by all means, go at it.

You know what? Fuck whatever you want to fuck. You should bang. I always just had a number that I couldn't go below. And as I got older, that number went higher. And that's just basically what it was. And I really think you're a fucking creep if you're 38 and you can fuck a 22-year-old.

You're a fucking creep. All right? If you're 38, I wouldn't go younger than 26. 26 is starting to get weird. What are you going to talk about? So, what are you, are you going to go to graduate school? You know, as you're getting

your fucking prostate checked. How do you take advantage of looking and feeling young? I don't know. Just be glad you got great jeans. Go out there and try to find love. All right, sir? Don't listen to your dumbass friends. You should be out there fucking an 18-year-old. That's what I do.

I'm a miserable married guy. All right, here's the wrap up, everybody. This week, I'm very excited. The European tour is finally here. I want to thank everybody in Rome, Italy for living your lives the way you do and your wonderful food and all that. I'm definitely coming back.

I fucking love this place. I'm actually looking forward to going to France one day, even though that guy smelled and everybody says they treat you rudely. I still want to go. Yeah, thank you to everybody who bought tickets. So, I could actually afford to fucking come here and eat some pizza and get some heartburn. You know?

Walk around and go into creepy churches and all that. I'm not even joking, man. I really appreciate it. So, my tour starts... When does it start? It starts on Wednesday. I'm in Glasgow. And after Glasgow, can you hear me opening my phone trying to check the dates here?

It goes. Wednesday, I'm in Glasgow. December 4th, December 5th, I'm in Amsterdam. For two days, by myself. What am I going to do there? Jesus Christ. Pot brownies and whores in the windows. The 7th and 8th, the weekend, I'm in London.

On the 9th, I'm in Dublin. On the 10th, I'm in Helsinki. On the 11th, I'm in Copenhagen. On the 12th, I am in Oslo. The 13th, I'm in Stockholm. And then the 14th and 15th, I wrap it up in Reykjavik, Iceland.

And then I come home all fucking jet-lagged with frostbite. All right, I'm looking forward to telling you guys all the stories. Next week, my podcast will be from London, and the final week after that will be in Reykjavik, Iceland. All right?

Travelling the world. Not having any guests. Living an unexamined life. I'm Bill Burr. This has been the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great week. I went to a restaurant where people carried signs around saying ban the bums.

I jumped right into line saying I hope that I'm not late. When I realized I had eaten for five days straight. I went into a restaurant looking for the cook...