Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-20-18

Episode Date: December 21, 2018

Bill rambles about responsibility, Christmas trees, and adapters.

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difference. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking out how the holiday season is fucking going for you. Did you get some toys for fucking girls and boys that sounded really creepy? Hey, what's going on?

I've been running around all day, podcast is a little bit late. I was actually doing Joe Rogan's monster podcast, and we had a great time, talked a little bit about flying in the helicopter earlier this week, and then he got me all sold on buying a fucking sauna. Joe fucking tells you something, you're like, all right, this guy, he's probably read up on it, whatever. He's like, people who do this four times a fucking week, you know, live a long time or some shit.

And I'm just thinking like, well, I'm an old dad. Oh, I should get off of that. I don't care. I'm an old dad. Don't make me come on. You're too far away. It's going to be me in five years. Oh, yeah, you can't.

You, oh, don't do it again. Um, so I have to make sure I take care of myself. So Billy's got some growing up to do, all right, been abusing alcohol for a while. Now I take the bottle out, I slap it around and let it know who's boss. Um, I got to fucking grow up, and if you need to grow up, you take a little bit of a spot to fill a fucking say that all the time, you know what you need to need a little bit of responsibility. Uh, I've never in my life understood that expression.

You need a little bit of responsibility. They'll pick like the most immature fucking person ever and tell them you need some responsibility and you're like, this fucking guy, no, this guy does not need to be in charge of anything. He's a fucking moron because they had that whole idea of, oh, well, once you have a kid and then you have, you know, you're going to have to, you know, change your ways. Yeah. Unless you're a fucking idiot and everything this person is doing is demonstrating that they're a fucking moron and you're telling them to go out there and procreate with somebody.

You know, what you need is no responsibility. You need a fucking playpen is what you need there. Marco, my New Year's resolution is I'm going to, I'm going to fix, I'm going to fix this little phone headphone jack. I literally sit here with my thumb on the button like a terrorist. You know what I mean? Like, I lift it off it, you know, I'm on my way to fucking having 70 broads in my life. I know that's a hacky joke, but the more you're married, they just, you just like, oh, God.

How many ways, um, oh, Bebo, oh, Bill Burr is fucking slowing down, man, in a good way. You know, I'm off the sauce. Who knows file long, but I'm off the fucking sauce and I'm actually reading a book. Swear to God, I mean, granted, it's a sports book. Does that even count? It's about Bob Cousy and Bill Russell's relationship when I did the herd, somebody over there gave it to me. I believe that's where I got it.

And, um, you know, one of the things that always bothered me, you know, something I always got meant to get around to was to know all the Celtics retired numbers. And now that I've read the book, I finally, I think I have them down. I swear to God, I'm not looking at anything. All right. Number one is Walter Brown. He was the original owner of the Celtics. Number two is Red Arbeck, the great coach they consider a number two.

He got number two cause he's the second most important person in the Celtics history, I guess. Cause number one is the original owner. Then it's Dennis Johnson. Number three, Bill Russell. Number six. Why do I, why do I need to know this Jojo White on the great basketball names? Number 10.

And then it's Bob Cousy at 14. Tommy Heinzen is 15. You guys, Tom Sanders is 16, 17 is have a check, steals them all 18s. Dave Cowan's 19 is fucking Don Nelson, 21 is Bill Sharman, 22 is Ed McCauley, 23 is Frank Ramsey, 24 is Sam Jones, 25, Casey Jones. All right. Now it's 90. Now it's easy.

Cedric Cohen, Brad Maxwell, 32 is McHale, 33 is Bird, 35 is Reggie Lewis, double zero is fucking Robert Parrish, then there's another guy just as his name cause he also wore the number 18 and didn't want to retire it and then Dave Cowan's got it. So I don't know his fucking name. So that's not bad. That's not bad. Um, so now I know that and what, what does that get me? Next time I get new argument with my wife.

Number ones, Walter Brown, number two is Red Arbeck. Can you do this? I'm an old dad. I'm an old dad. I said get off of that. Now I need a nap. Um, anyway, so after I did Joe's podcast, he's like, he's got like that flotation salt tank thing in there.

And I'm like, dude, I don't know if like, if I went in that fucking thing for like an hour, like, I always wondered what those things will like those isolation tanks. I mean, that looks fucking wild. They just close that door and you're in there floating in pitch black. Like you're floating through space like Sandra Bullock in that movie, right? With the other guy there was never going to get married. And then he did George Clooney, right? Me just sort of float it off into space.

I can never give my shit together. You go back to the fucking spacecraft. I'm just going to float away. That movie. I feel like that. You know, if I ever get a role, I get to play an astronaut. That's going to be how I'm going to prepare for the role. But what did you do to prepare for a role to play an astronaut?

Well, I kept my Boston accent and I just went to an isolation tank and just laid there in a bathing suit. Do you think it helped you now? But it gave me something to say in this interview. Um, anyway, so he had a sauna there, which I'm totally sold on now. We went there. We tried to be in there for like a fucking half hour. He could do it.

I couldn't. I made like, there was eight minutes left, 10 minutes left. I made 20 minutes. It was like 200 fucking degrees in there. That's what he was saying. Like how the fuck is it 200 degrees in here? It doesn't water boil at like 212 degrees or some shit, 100 degrees Celsius. I guess those saunas can get hotter because it's not like, because it's a dry heat.

I have no idea. All I know, I was just like, all right, 10 minutes left. He goes, come on, tough it out. I'm like, all right. And then 10 minutes later, I'm like, how much time's left? And he's like eight minutes. I'm like, fuck. And it's like five minutes.

I laid down and he's like, all right, he knew I was too stubborn, so he fucking opened the door and then I was fine. He goes, you almost made it. It's like, I think I did all right. I don't think I need to go any further than that, but uh, I felt fucking great. I felt peaceful. I felt calm. I didn't feel like yelling at anybody or walking around being a fucking emotional lunatic that's

just wears people out. So whatever, I'll see. They makes little two person ones. I wonder if I could fit it in my fucking little ass garage. You know, that would be great. You know, anytime you have a disagreement with your spouse, right, you just go into the sauna. You go in there for a half hour and then when you come out, then you talk about it.

Hey, man, like you left your shoes in the hall, man. Oh, I'm sorry, man. It's okay. It's not doesn't really, but I don't know why it bothered me 31 minutes ago, but it did. But that's, you know what? You can put your shoes wherever you want. Ah, thank you. I appreciate that.

I don't want the fuck I'm talking about. So anyways, I got not only do I have all my Christmas shopping done, I got it all wrapped except for one. I bought my daughter this book, The How to Grinch Stole Christmas. I bought that on the road and I just, I forgot I had it. I tucked it away in the drawer because I know if she saw it, she'd be like, book, book, read, read. So I just have to wrap that and then I think I'm done.

I think I'm done and I think for once my super smart wife hasn't figured out what anything that I'm going to get her. You know, I was really covert about the shit snuck it around. I just, I brought everything into the garage this year, right? Sorry. What the fuck was that? You know that shit where you open your mouth and you just make a fucking noise? Did you just hear that sound like there was a ferret?

That was like something in the back of my throat while I continued to talk. Sounded like a little cat. Did you hear that? You know, do you realize like back, if I did that back in like the fucking 1700s, they'd be like drowning me thinking I was a witch. I was like possessed or I had a fucking tapeworm or something. Jesus Christ. Some of these fucking broads on social media thinking they're not being heard.

How do you think the fucking people felt back then? Well, if you have to compare ourselves to the Salem witch trial, aren't you really proving our point? That was the hedge clippers trimming the bush there. They broke. Anyways, plowing ahead here. By the way, I've promoted this on Joe Rogan to the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit. People promoting that is February, Tuesday, February 19th, 2019.

Get your ass to the fucking city. All right, come on down. Great benefit. Big J. Elkerson, Michelle Wolfe, Rich Voss, fucking Cipher Souds, myself, it's gonna be a cavalcade of comedy for the best stand-up comedian I ever saw in my life. All proceeds go to benefit all the people he was taking care of his family and all that and it's been a very successful thing. We keep his name alive and whatnot.

All right, with that, you know what, I actually got to watch a Bruins game the other night. I got to watch most of it. I watched most of it and then being a dad comes in. I saw the first two periods of the Bruins, four to nothing went over the Canadians. We were up two to nothing and I missed the third period, sorry. One of my friends from Montreal Comedy Festival texted me, he goes, you watching this game? And I knew it was the third period and I was like, I'm assuming you guys tied it up if you fucking called me.

And to his credit, he texted me, to his credit, the man did not. He was letting me know that we played fucking great and then I saw the highlights, that last fucking Marshawn Gold and number four, that little bing-bang boom all around the horn. Everybody touches it. Oh, those little Frenchies with their fucking crying into their little handkerchiefs with their silly socks. Oh, I love it.

Going into their building four to nothing. So they're probably playing tonight. I have no idea, but I got to go inside for fucking supper. I still call it supper. Back in the day. That's what we call it. Sit down for supper. The mother would ring the fucking dinner bell and everybody would come running in like cattle.

Right? I'll fucking filthy for being outside. There it was. Chip B, Fun Toast. Oh, Chicken Alley King. You know, I don't think a king eats like this. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. Liverpool, my fucking adopted goddamn team.

I almost fucking missed this game. They're playing, oh my God, they're playing the wolves. Jesus fucking Christ, not the wolves. How the fuck is that a professional franchise? You got some stupid jersey with like a W on it. We get it. You know, you couldn't write the whole thing. They can't afford to have the O-L-V-E-S on there, right?

Is that a spell? Wolves? Or is it W-O-L-F-S? Wolves. I don't know. They'd say everything different over there. Oregano, oregano. You know, what else do they say?

Tomato, oregano. All the spices, they say differently. What's the other? Rosemary. No, that's not the one. What the fuck? Thyme, they say the same way. There's another one.

There's another one. They're just the ones. Basil. Oregano, basil, tomatoes. And you just want to be like, stop doing that. You want to say that they're wrong, but they did it first. So they were right. Why the fuck did we switch?

We switched all the accents on everything. And I believe that was our fuck you, right, to England. After we kicked their fucking red-coated asses all the way back to their island, all the way back, right? And I just think that our little rebellion was not only are we kicking you out of the country that you first fucking occupied and took over, not only will we continue the genocide that you started, right? We're going to change the accent on the English language, right?

You say automobile, we're going to say automobile. I don't think we do that. I have no idea. Anyways, what the fuck was that? I hear more goddamn noises now. I don't know if I'm going crazy or what. I will tell you what's driving me fucking crazy is this year, I thought I was being a smart guy.

Oh, who's this? Who's a tough guy? Who's a smart guy, right? I went out and I bought a Christmas tree like when it was still November, you know? So now I'm watering this thing and I got to mist it every goddamn morning to make sure it's not all brown and dead by the time fucking Christmas comes along. Our wreath is on the front door is already dying, you know? My wife went all out, you know what I mean?

Like great mothers do. She went all out, but I got more goddamn shit. I'm running around, you know, I'm the water boy. I got to water it. I missed it. I'm talking to it. No, you look good. You look good.

No, you're going to be one of the trees that lives after Christmas. You don't just lie into them like a fucking dirtbag, right? So I didn't have a lot of time the other day and I'm running around the fucking kitchen table and we got this stupid fucking potted plant that literally has a concrete plant or whatever, the fucking house that the roots are in, whatever you call it, right? And that was on the floor because of the Christmas decorations on the table and I ran around the table and just punted that thing, concrete fucking block with my pinky toe on my left foot and Jesus fucking Christ.

It was like Barty the dinosaur purple within two hours and it was like half of my foot. My foot looked like I got run over by a car. Now, obviously I did some damage but most of it has to be, most of it is my complexion. Being a fucking redhead, I'm borderline transparent. I'm always getting marks on my body and late at night, I go to bed and my wife be like, what is that? What is that on your, what is, fucking claw mark on my side? Did you get into a fight with an alley cat?

No, I think I leaned up against the refrigerator. I don't know what the fuck happened and then what, you know what's weird is if you hurt yourself and you don't remember what happened, you press down on it and then you're like, oh, and he takes you right back to that moment. Oh, that's right. That's fucking right. Yeah, I was at the fucking post office. Oh, by the way, Jesus Christ, I went to the post office, I was trying to get all my fucking

gifts out and you cannot fucking go there. The only way you can fucking go there is if you have everything done. I went there, I needed a box and I needed to, and then I needed the fucking, the peanuts or whatever to put it in there. So whatever I was going to put in there was going to slide around and break and I needed tape to close the box. It's just like, it's just that last chopper out of Vietnam. I was happy that I went down there.

I found somebody to help me out. You know, I got the box, I got the tape and then they said they had nothing to put in there to make sure my gifts to my nephews and nieces wouldn't fucking slide around. And I just, I just, I said, fuck it. I said, all right, thank you. I set the tape down. I put the box back where it belonged. I walked out like a gentleman while I fucking, I went a little Tourette's underneath it.

Goddamn. What the fuck do you have fucking boxes and tape, but you don't have the last ingredient, the most important ingredient or the last piece of the puzzle, I should say. The box is probably the most important ingredient. Well, then they have that tape. I mean, they work together like a great comedy team, dare I say, right? Like Bob Hope and Big Crosby, the guys who evidently created the fucking, the buddy movie, you know, which has now been hijacked by all these females and all these movies acting

like they're breaking ground. It's like, you're just doing the shit we already did. It's not the new here, ladies. You know, why don't you reinvent the buddy fucking movie before I got to listen to you calling each other a bunch of fucking heroes. What do you think about that? Hey, this is the thing that fascinated me because I was reading this Celtics book and some of the fucking teams that they were playing, like, you know, playing Syracuse and Rochester

stuff I had heard about before. But when they, they were talking, what the fuck is this? They were talking about playing like the, what are now the Atlanta Hawks. And I knew that they were in St. Louis, but I didn't realize that they were in Milwaukee before that. All right, let's see here. Atlanta Hawks. Yeah.

They were, this is, this is their, their history. They were the Buffalo Bisons then for one season and then they moved, or maybe a half a season, then they moved to the Tri-Cities in Iowa, which are now the Quad Cities I believe. And they became the Tri-City Black Hawks. Then they moved to Milwaukee in 1951 and became the Milwaukee Hawks. Then in 1955, they moved to St. Louis and became the St. Louis Hawks. And then in 1968, they moved to Atlanta and became the Atlanta Hawks. And they've been there for 50 years, but they've moved five times.

And I always thought the Sacramento Kings, which I can't remember if they were the Cincinnati Royals and then the Kansas City Kings and then the Sacramento Kings. I couldn't remember. Hang on a second. Let me get to this because I got, I got this fucking website here that has all the franchise that moved. If I can get it to work here, please, please, is people listening? National Hockey League.

What the fuck is the NBA? Oh, Jesus Christ, come on. National Basketball Association, the Tri-City Hawks, Black Hawks, played their home games in Moline and Rock Island, Illinois and Davenport, Iowa, moved to Milwaukee and became the Hawks. Then in 1955, they moved to St. Louis. Okay. And then the Detroit Pistons were the Fort Wayne Pistons until 1957. Rochester Royals moved to Cincinnati and then where the fuck did they go from there?

Because this goes year by year. So all day became the Sacramento Kings. Yeah. They were the Rochester Seagrams. What the fuck is that? Anyway, Rochester pros and they became the Rochester Royals. And then Cincinnati Royals, Kansas City slash Omaha Kings, Kansas City Kings, Sacramento Kings.

And then I think the Syracuse team moved to San Diego and became the San Diego Clippers. What a fuck is it? The Syracuse Nationals moved to Philadelphia and became the 76ers. Okay. So who became the L.A. Clippers, the San Diego Clippers? Oh, the Buffalo Braves moved to San Diego and became the Clippers. That's what it is. Oh, and it was the Rochester Royals.

I don't know. I'm a fucking nerd. I love that shit. Then I go online and see if I can find a Tri-Cities Black Hawks t-shirt like they ever fucking sold one of those. I bet it's a minor league hockey team now. Tri-City. Come on.

Come on, Bill. You can write it. Black Hawks t-shirt. Here we go. Somebody makes it. You know, somebody makes it, Mitchell and Ness, Chicago Black Hawks, Tri-City Black Hawks. There it is. Everyone would, like myself, would think, oh, is that where the Chicago Black Hawks first

played? And they'd be like, oh, no, no, no. That's not, that's not the case. Old dad. Leave me alone. Yeah, they got the, they got the, dude, you should see them, the fucking kid, they got it wearing. It was like 21 fucking years old.

Similar designs. Look at this. They got all the old ones here. Anyways, trust the process. Oh, boy. I didn't want to know who the fuck said that. Oh, there's a cool LeBron one where they make his beard like the state of California. Do you realize if the Lakers don't win it this year, this will be the first decade they

haven't won a fucking championship since the fucking 1960s? 70s, 80s, 90s, 2000s. They won four decades in a row. Celtics won 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s. Well, they won four decades, right? They was 70s, 80s, 90s, 2004. Oh, yeah, no one's ever done five. No one's ever done five.

Can you see, can you tell them all fucking talked out from Rogan's podcast? We did like fucking two and a half hours. I'm sitting here wondering what the hell to talk about. I could read some advertising. I could read some advertising. By the way, I'm not farting continually. I'm just sitting in a leather chair. I just realized.

Leather chair. Plush leather chair, one chair, one chair, my little fucking podcast area here. Finally, because now we have the kid, I can't do it the way I used to in the fucking bedroom and shit screaming and yelling. We can't have that. Thank you, pill. We can't have you be who you are in your own home anymore. Butcher box, everybody.

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going to butcherbox.com slash burr and entering burr at checkout. I got a hats off to my wife. We had some, we had like this really mature like get together of like, you know, four or five different couples and they came over and my wife just did it up, you know, hired these people to cater it. They made all this great food. You know, the booze was flowing. Everyone was having a good time and I sat there.

She's like, come on, man, it's a holiday party. Yeah, I have just had one drink. Have one dress. I said, I will. I will start with the ginger ale. Right. I just kept putting it off and putting it off and putting it off. Right.

And then all of a sudden it was the end of night. We're all sitting there smoking cigars and then all of a sudden the night was over and I didn't drink. Everybody had a good time and I've almost done it. I only have, uh, I got a couple more holiday parties. Oh, I got a tough one. I got a tough one coming up. A good friend of mine, comedian.

I'm not going to say who the fuck it is, but he has a party coming up. Oh, this is going to be tough. And no, it's not that gutter, dweller, Joe DeRosa. Oh, Joe DeRosa loves a gutter, loves a gutter. You know, he sees a curb. He just, he snuzzles up to it like he's laying with his own mother, his own mother. But anyways, I always get a little bit sad this time of the holidays, you know, because I know that it's almost over.

I like this time of year, you know, where everybody just kind of sits back and like, you know, I fucking love you, man, fucking appreciate you being in my life, man, you know, you know, they got the fucking lights and it's just, you just look around like, why can't it be like this all the time? Why can't work be like, all right, relax, you know, and everybody just chills out and just says how much they like each other. Why can't we do, you'd get bored of it, I guess, after a while. They can't have like, you know, sort of a summer Christmas time, holiday Hanukkah,

Kwanzaa fucking thing. You got to wait once, once a fucking year that it starts all over again, January 2nd or January 3rd. This is going to be this company's biggest quarter ever. We need you all to buckle down and not go, you will not see your children. When you leave for work, they'll be sleeping. When you come home, they will be asleep. You'll be a stranger in your own house.

So this year, we can sell them those widgets we've ever sold ever. I'll tell you right now, if you've got a problem, there's a door. The internet has made this industry more competitive than it has ever been. I didn't kill us in this rub. You going to cry, Maggie? Huh? Who else? What about you, Greg? Heard you're all fucking sensitive?

Did you fucking box the tampons for the first fucking quarter? What did you do last quarter? You did shit! Can you imagine if you had that fucking life? Just imagine that fucking life. Getting yelled at, you know? You know, that famous scene in Glen Gary, Glen Ross. Alec Baldwin comes in and starts yelling at people.

I can't fucking hear myself. God damn it, I got to get this fixed. This would be such a great stocking stuffer. Why didn't I tell fucking Santa I wanted this? Oh, here comes Santa Claus. Here comes Santa Claus. He's back from Radio Shack. He got you the fucking headphone jack that you needed.

What is this thing even called? You know what I'm going to do, people, in fucking honor of the new year. What I plan on doing, which you wouldn't know from that last little comedy skit that I did there. And by the way, that was all written out. I memorized all those lines. You know, I'm going to try to fucking chill out in the next fucking year, you know what I mean? So anyways, in honor of that, I'm in solving problems rather than complaining about them. I'm going to let you guys listen to me order.

This is the highlight of your fucking week. I know it is. This is how self-involved I am. You're going to listen to me order this fucking cocksucking goddamn thing that I need here. What would you call this thing? The rotisserie? You know, this is basically like the chick. And you know, a porno, she's getting banged from behind and, you know,

she's performing the old fucking, and how you been up front, right? And, you know, someone's going to have a bigger dick, right? So one of them is bigger. The other one's smaller. What do you call this thing? The rotisserie whorejack? I don't fucking know. Headphone.

I'm going to go with headphone. Headphone. I'm going to go with headphone adapter. It's going to take me to fucking Wikipedia. Why the fuck would it do that? It's in my default settings. I got to figure out the fucking. Headphone adapter.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, that's not the one I need. Let's see. Images. Come on, you fucking bastard. Come on, you fucking bastard. Do I need, it's not dual. Oh, my God, there it is.

And it's at Radio Shack. Three and a half millimeter male to female. What do you call this fucking thing? Oh, my God, I know the name. This is like a cold case file. 3.5 millimeter male to female headphone adapter. All right, let me go. Let me go to fucking Amazon, because I don't know how to do it

with Radio Shack. Do those guys deliver to, do they have the drones? I don't fucking know. All right, where the fuck is it? Where did it go? Oh, you know what I did? I didn't open a new window. Oh, grandpa.

Hey, I don't understand the internet. Oh, no, I did. Well, where the fuck did it go? Oh, there it is. Would you like 15% off? No thanks. I'd like full price. 3.5 millimeter male to female headphone adapter.

Let's see here. 3.5 millimeter male to female headphone adapter. Come on, man, one time, one time. Make it happen, make it happen. That's not what the fuck that is. Oh, look at those ones. Those ones look like they're made out of chrome. That's it right there.

That's it. $7, can you fucking believe it? All this bitch moaning and complaining, I could have had this done. You know, people a lot of times in life, you know, the things that we're the most afraid of, a lot of times they seem like mountains and they're really, you're just stepping up onto a curb.

Wait, what do you mean $125? What the fuck, William get the gift card? I don't want a fucking gift card. Proceed to check out. Get away from me. Can I just walk out of here, please? Can I just fucking do that? Place your order.

Bam. Order placed. All this time, bitching. All this time, it's it. Done, I just fucking did it. I did all this fucking screaming and yelling. You know, I just feel like that just to be a performer isn't enough for me.

I feel like I should be this vessel. Who is it? Come on in. Oh, just when Christmas couldn't get any better. Who's that? Is that my little buddy? Hey, how you doing? Come here.

Oh, yeah, don't mess up my notes on that script. It doesn't work right now. Can I get a hug, please? Hi. Hi. Hey, football. Can you say hockey? Can you say basketball?

Can you say baseball? Yeah, just don't have her knock all those cards over. How are you guys doing? The two most beautiful ladies in my life. How are you? I've been bitching about this 3.5 millimeter male to female headphone jack, and I finally got it fixed. What did you guys do today?

We just came from getting some ingredients for Christmas dinner. What are you going to make? Am I plugged in? Yes, you are plugged in. We're going to make a lamb. So I got a rack of lamb. Oh, nice.

And I had him cut it up, and we're just going to freeze it until it's ready, because it's going to be a mad house when we go on Christmas Eve. Can you say strawberry? Can you say football? Can you say hi? Hi. Can you say Merry Christmas?

Yeah. I don't know if you could say that. Wow. I'm here. I know how to keep you occupied while we're in here. All right, well, we're just doing something. I didn't realize I had all these. That's script I'm writing, so I get up.

What's this? Oh, those are Dadas keys. Can you say Daddy's keys? Can you say Dadas car? Dadas car. Where's Dadas car? Where's Dadas car? It's getting fixed.

I hit an orange cone in my car, and all of a sudden, the engine light went on. I was on the highway, and there was this random orange cone, and I couldn't swear away from it, or I'd cause an accident. So I just drove over and went underneath the car, and I was getting off the highway, and I just heard it under the car. What's that?

Minnie Mouse? You want to go watch Minnie Mouse? Huh? What do you say? Did you hear her? She just said football. Football. What do you say?

You say please? Now what do you say? Thanks. Please and thanks. That's right, you're going to be a good kid. Oh, I get a kiss. And mama. Yeah, she's the best.

Hey, you're the best. You're the best. Oh my god. I'm Minnie Mouse, Minnie Mouse. Tell them about Minnie Mouse. OK, just don't mess. That's you. That's you.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is. All right, we got to wrap this thing up, because I want to play with you, kiddo. All right, and we're going to watch some football. Football. Strawberry. Strawberry.

Yeah. Hey, what does the dog say? What's the dog say? I like to cry. What does the cow say? A moo. A moo. She talks like Trump, the biggest brain.

What does a horse say? Whee. Whee. What does the rooster say? What's the cat say? No. No. What does the sheep say?

A bear. What's the bear say? All right, you're smart. You just shrugged the shoulder like that was nothing. She's like, give me something hard. Shall we go? Should we say bye-bye? Bye-bye.

OK. All right. Say bye-bye, dadda. Can you say I love you? That's how we say I love you. It's na, na, na, na. You can say it. Say, I love you.

There you go. All right, eventually you're going to put that together and melt my heart even more. All right, I love both of you guys, but I got to wrap this up. Hey, you guys, thank you for listening. Have a great week. And I can't say what I usually say. So Merry Christmas.

Enjoy the music and an extra half hour bonus of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday. Thank you to Joe Rogan for having me on the show today. Bye-bye. My baby down by the river, knew she'd have to come up and sing a prayer. Sweet boss, come on up to the world. We can have hard times to move about.

We can miss ever the wonders of nature. The woman in the rush is down by the riverside. She's got everything to be life for. She's got everything I need. It takes a little while I'll stand up. There's nothing that I speak. It's holiday season. Holiday season.

So hooptidoo and dickery duck. Don't forget to hang up your sock, because just exactly at 12 o'clock he'll be coming down the chimney down. He'll stick it up your fucking twat. It's the song. Babadoo boo and your fucking cunt. Christmas fucking trees. Ooby dooby.

See, that's the fucking song I was trying to remember from last week. And I want to thank all the podcast listeners for letting me know that that was Andy Williams. Happy holiday slash the holiday season. It's not until the second verse where he goes hooptidoo. And hooptidump and stick up a sock. Up a fucking crazy twat.

And you don't see exactly how I said it. Then they had those fucking women in the background. Ooby dooby dooby ba ba boo. You're telling me you couldn't write a fucking song back then? I mean, Jesus Christ. Maybe because it's so simple. It sounds so simple that you think you could do it. I don't know.

So anyways, it is. Fuck, why did I play that? Now I'm going to be singing that the whole goddamn podcast again. I don't like to repeat myself, at least not on purpose. What's going on? It's Bill Burr. It is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, December 20th. Oh my God, only five more days till Christmas.

I only have half. Shut up, you fucking. All right. I'm not even this angry this week. I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going to situate myself on the bed. I don't want to put my laptop in my lap. You know what I mean?

Why would you? Why won't you put it in your lap? It's called a laptop. This is why, because it gives off radiation and I like my balls. I think the Illuminati came up with the laptop, you know, and they know we're too stupid to stick it exactly where they want us to put it so they can thin out the fucking herd. So they go, you know, with their evil voices.

Why don't we just call it the laptop? We call it the laptop. They just put it in their lap and they fucking die of the infidels. That was half Arab, half Italian. So make sure I get notes from both of you. Yes, it is December 20th. I just came off of a fabulous week out in Brea, California. And I want to tell you guys something.

If you're ever in a situation where you have a lot of vacation time and you're just like, fuck, where the hell can I go? You know, you only go around once in this world. Where can I go to vacation? To summer. Isn't that what rich people say? We live in the city and we summer out in the Hamptons. I'd love to summer somewhere.

Wouldn't that be awesome? Jesus Christ, how much fucking money do you have to have to have two homes? This is where I live during the year and then I summer. We spend our winters down in Bombados. You know, we're doing what? Visiting the fucking money that you're not paying taxes on? You know? I don't give a fuck.

I don't know what I'm talking about here. I was onto something there and then I completely lost it because I thought I wasn't recording here. Oh, I know. I was out in Brea, California this weekend. And I got to tell you, I had a miserable experience the last couple of times that went there. The only reason why I was miserable is because nobody showed up.

And lo and behold, this time I came out there, the fucking place was packed all weekend and I had one of the best weekends of 2010. So I want to thank everybody who came out to my shows out at the Improv in Brea, California. I actually had some people from LA came out and I had like 12 Mexicans, different Mexican fans coming up saying you have some Latino fans.

Okay. Hang in there. We will spread the word out to Ontario. So I want to thank you guys. Gracias. It's the only word I know. Muchos. Gracias.

Rosetta Stone. Amarillo. That's right. Thank you very much. And yellow. That's my only Spanish words. Ay, caramba. Yeah, shit like that, that I've seen in like cartoons

when I was a kid. So anyways, I don't know what the fuck to talk about this week because I am technically, I'm on vacation. Like Axl Foley at Beverly Hills Cop. I'm not investigating anything. I'm out here in LA with my Mumford fucking sweatshirt. You know what I realized? I just realized this podcast is going to suck.

You know why I have too much other shit in my mind because as much as I'm mocking people who haven't started their shopping, I'm one of those people. I haven't started it yet and I really fucked up because I did like six weekends in a row so I just focused on the road work and I did not deal with the fact that I haven't done any sort of Christmas shopping yet.

So now I have to go out there today. It's fucking raining. I've been in this weather since I went to Seattle right after Thanksgiving and I'm ready to blow my fucking brains out. I went to Seattle and I also went to San Francisco and all those fucking assholes were just like, oh, you bring the bad weather with you.

You know? I don't know. It was great last week. So you know what? Considering I bought the droid phone. Does anybody know how to shut that off? Droid. Every time you turn it on, my phone says that.

I brought the droid incredible and every time I turn it on, first of all, it takes 10 minutes for it to turn on and then about, you know, eight minutes in it goes droid. And I don't think there's a way to shut it off. It's one of those fucking advertising things. Make it nice and loud and obnoxious. So everyone around will hear it and be like, ooh, I want my phone to do that.

All right? I'm still waiting for that. Like, I hope that phone does not take over as much as I love it because I fly too much, you know? And at the end of the flights, when it's okay to turn your cell phones back on, I don't want to hear like, droid, droid, droid, droid. On the fucking plane, which you know I'm going to.

But anyways, yeah, I haven't, I haven't started in my Christmas shopping. And I don't want to be that douche that just goes out and gets the gift certificates. You know that? You know that person? You go out, you buy him something thoughtful. What are they into? What did I hear or mention that they wanted or something like that?

And you put a lot of thought and you drive around. Nah, that isn't right. Drive over here. That isn't right. Bam. And then you find it. They're like, ah, man, thanks a lot. Right?

And they give you like a fucking. Yeah, you're waiting to see what they got you. Right? Did you put some thought in? Do you feel this way about me too? And what do they do? They hand you a gift certificate to the fucking Olive Garden. You know, it's like you fucking asshole.

You know, I drove all over fucking town and you just, you just. And not even a good restaurant. That's it. That's another thing too. If somebody gives you a gift certificate to a restaurant, don't fucking go. Don't even fucking go. All right. What sort of respectable restaurant gives out gift certificates?

You know what I mean? That's, that's. You just like one step above fast food. You know what douchebag of the week is anybody who goes out and does Christmas shop and it just gets a bunch of fucking gift certificate. Hey, you go, you fucking figure out what you want. It's some money. Take a fucking handful of cash and throw it on the floor like of some goddamn horror

and watch me crawl around on my hands and knees picking it up. You know, like I just gave you a bad lap dance, but you got enough money to not bitch to management. Hey, you'll have the really? That's what I get is you fucking hundred. Don't spend it all in one place. All right. You fucking cheap bastards.

I'm talking to you and you and you. It's got to be at least three people on this podcast that do that shit. You fucking tight fucks. Right. And then what do you do? You gather up all your nice gifts that people put thought into and you just, you know, walk out of the house. You know, you don't give a fuck.

Right. Fuck it. Right. It's just the drinking water. We can pour the shit in there. Will that get me the corner office? I swear to God, if somebody gets me a fucking gift certificate this weekend, I'm going to do something.

Not this is Christmas this weekend. Five days away. Yeah, be Saturday. I'm going to take that fucking thing. Oh, thanks a lot. And I'm going to slice their jugular like James Bond level fucking paper cut and just watch that blood right off the side of their fucking neck. All right.

So you learned something about me. You already knew I was an angry son of a bitch, but I hate gift certificates. I can't stand them. I would rather get an ugly sweater from an older relative than a fucking gift certificate. That's just, you know, that's just the fucking tap out. You know, sorry, man. I've been really busy. Oh, really?

Oh, I've been laying in a hammock all year. You lazy fuck. No, you don't give a shit. Why am I such a fucking dick? Somebody I knew every year would get me a fucking gift certificate. And you know, I should have just gave it right back to him. I never did. I always gave him a nice gift thinking, ah, you're going to, you're going to notice.

Right. Nothing. Nothing. Oh, we shit. All right. There you go. This is your first rant for the week. Did that make you feel better?

I'd like to why don't I have a, why don't I have a podcast where I give thanks? I give thanks to everyone who came out to my shows this year. You know, I give thanks to the universe for allowing me to fuck up enough in my personal life to bless me with a new hour of material. I gotta tell you, man, my fucking act is right where I need it to be. And my next gig isn't until the weekend, I believe, of January 13th. I'm going to be in Atlantic City with, this is the show. Jim Norton put this thing together.

Jim Norton, myself, Jim Brewer and David Tell all on one show. All right. The Miami Heat, the Mount Rushmore, if you will, of a standup comedy. I can't say Mount Rushmore. That'd be all time. Great. So let's go with Miami Heat. All right.

Let's go with that. How are we going to say that? So anyways, that's my next show. So I have this weird thing where I'm off for like a month, but I also have to stay sharp. So my girl's all excited that I have a month off and I'm actually doing a show tonight. And I was trying to tell her that I have to stay sharp. You know, I got to stay on my toes. I can't just sit around fucking roasting chestnuts.

Does anybody do that anymore? Has anybody ever had a chestnut? Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost nipping at your nose. There's no internet or fucking cell phones. So we have to talk to one another. All right. You know, something, something I mentioned there actually tied into something that somebody was talking about.

Oh, they were talking about die hard fans. I'm talking about sports here. Somebody said, Bill, just like the Yankees, the Celtics purchased the last championship with Kevin Garnett. I love when people do half ass research, you know, didn't you forget a couple other guys that we also bought? Um, it's not, it's not even the purchasing of Garnett that bothers me. It's the delusion Boston's fans have when they cheer for Garnett. That motherfucker kissed the shamrock in the center of the court like it was his homecoming. Like he was from Boston, like he yearned for playing for that team.

And Boston's fans ate that shit up, totally bought into that shit. Uh, when in actuality, it was just another purchase for a championship. How do you feel knowing your fellow Bostonians got duped? Uh, the bullshit fan base I see in Boston makes me want to puke in my soup. It happens in a bunch of other cities too. Uh, sorry, I can't read out loud and I'm also reading this at a fucking angle. Let's get some fucking stomach cancer here. Put the laptop here.

Uh, where was, where was I? You have die hard fans for all your teams, but they're few and far in between. Few and far between serves how you say that. Uh, then you have just a bunch of stragglers who suddenly come out of the woodwork when their team's on top. I live in New York and now in LA in the past eight years. I've noticed an influx, influx of Pat's fans in both of those cities. All of a sudden, everyone is proud to be a Patriots fan. Uh, where were these fucks in the 90s?

Same goes for Laker fans. Where were those assholes with the flag on the car ass with the flag on the car assholes in the 90s? Explain this to me, Bill. And go ahead and shit on as many front running New Yorkers, Los Angelinos and Miami schmucks all you like. Yeah, yeah, dude. You're basically explaining. Uh, yeah, that's how it works. Yeah.

Where were all the Yankee fans in the 80s? Exactly. You can't say where were all the Patriots fans in the 90s because once we got Bill Parcells, everybody jumped on board. And then when Pete Carroll came in after Parcells fucked us, that fat fuck. That fat fuck ego maniac who never won a championship without Bill Belichick as his defensive coordinator. If you want me to cook the dinner, you gotta let me buy the groceries. He says that right before our Super Bowl and puts his fucking house up for sale. What a cunt.

Fucking, we're overrated, Bill Parcells. If you want your uniforms changed and you want to make it to the playoffs, he's your guy. But if you want to win the Super Bowl, you better have Bill Belichick on your staff. All right. Yeah. Yeah. You're bandwagon fans.

Bandwagon fans are the majority of the fan base. There's no reason to build stadiums as big as they are if they're actually talking about diehard fans. You'd only need like one level. You know, you could have those old school, like high school stadiums, you know, with a wind whip through the end zones. Yeah, absolutely. Everybody is guilty of that. And basketball, I hate to say it, has followed what baseball has been doing, where you just sort of try to buy the championship every year.

And it's really free agency. I guess it's kind of the player's fault. You know what it was? It was an overcorrection. It was before free agency. You know, the owners were like the owner in, what is that called? The perfect stallion. What the fuck is that?

I can never remember. The Robert Redford movie. The natural perfect stallion. How the fuck did I get? I can't remember shit. I can never remember the names of actors and movies. So I just whatever first thing I think of, I just fucking throw it out there. The natural.

Yeah, the owners were like that. They totally fucking owned you. And that's why the fucking White Sox through the World Series in 1919. That's what opened the door to that is they were getting so underpaid and they were scumbag. Pieces of shit. Those two fucking things. So then free agency came around. And now there's been like a total overcorrection.

And the players are total seem to be completely in control. And they can just all pile on one fucking team. I don't know. I don't like it. I don't like it. Yeah, the Celtics bought the championship. Perhaps a fucking Lutley. But you know, it's one of those deals.

What are they supposed to do? That's what the Lakers were buying them too. You know, what are we supposed to do? Sit back and watch them buy all these fucking championships and we're not supposed to go out and purchase one. You know, Kobe Bryant sitting out there can't win shit. So they buy him shack and fill Jackson fucking Gary Payton, Robert Ori fucking Carl Malone. Who else? I don't watch who every time I turn it on.

There's another fucking guy. The guy will beat up the crowd, run our test. That guy, what the fuck are the Celtics supposed to do? You know, it'd be nice if they all sat down and just said, look, this is fucking stupid. Let's go back to the way it was. But I just think that that's the way it is. So anyways, yeah, they just pile on. I think Garnett kissed the floor because he was sick of playing in Minnesota.

He knew he finally had a chance to win a championship after being the fucking guy. For all those years out there in Minnesota and always coming up short. So I don't know. I don't fucking, I don't know. I don't know shit about basketball, but yeah, you're basically, yeah, diehard fans diehard fans hang in there. But I even think diehard fans are full of shit. There's a couple that will actually sit there. Come on, man, you're going to be honest.

I'm a diehard fan. Your team is going two and 14. You're actually sitting down watching that shit. You know, sometimes you're such a diehard fan. You can't go. You can't watch. You know, I didn't watch the Celtics. I went to a Celtics game the year before we bought all those guys to win a championship.

We played the Toronto Raptors. I had like courtside fucking seats and I almost fell asleep. And it was just sad looking at the parquet floor and looking at the shamrock and just saying it was, it was, you know, it was hard to watch. That doesn't mean I don't love the Celtics, but you know. Sometimes you got to look away. And you know what? You fucking cunt. You do the same thing.

Stop acting like you're all high and mighty. You just hate the Patriots and you're sick of seeing them. Be honest with yourself. All you sports fans, who the fuck ever saw anybody in a sports bar with the New Orleans Saints jersey on? Ever. 30 years of watching football, I never fucking saw it. And then last year, there's like a whole gang of them going, who that? Who that?

Who that think they're going to beat them Saints? It's like, where the fuck did you guys come from? The Saints were borderline. They were like an expansion franchise for like 40 years. They couldn't even afford a kicker with two whole feet. They had a kicker with one and a half fucking feet. That's, that's, that's how fucking broke those guys were. You know, then they brought that football out there with the helium in there so they could have a feel good story.

Oh, by the way, did you see how the Jets, when they got busted for cheating? That fucking fag on the Jets go, the Patriots are doing it too. That right there is known as a pulling a Kobe. When you do that shit. Well, because Shaq fucks around on his wife too, you know, when you're down at the police station. Dude, you don't ever do that. All right. When you get busted for some shit, you go into Mr. Blonde mode.

You shut your fucking mouth and you do your goddamn time. You don't start dragging other people in. It was so passive aggressive. I'm not trying to get anybody in trouble. I'm just, you know, if you just, you know, look at the tape. I mean, it's all there, which was such a stoop that there's no rule against lining up people there. You can stand on the sideline. You can all stand there doing handstands if you want.

That's not what you got busted for your green cunt. You got busted for sticking your fucking knee out evidently on purpose. How wrong was I? I tried to be nice last week and I defended that douche and it turns out, I don't know. I like how they tried to act like that was his decision and his decision alone. That guy actually, he should, that guy, the strength and conditioning coach. That guy's a solid guy because he just, he took, he took the blame for that one. The strength and conditioning coach.

The only guy, he's the guy like as far as money makers. He's just above a fucking cheerleader and he's saying like he's on the sideline. Hey, listen guys, everybody fucking line up the private over there. They're blaming the private, you know, give me a fucking break. But I think sticking his knee out was definitely his decision. But as far as lining up on the side, I don't give a fuck. So I love it. So the Jets cheated and this week the Panthers had somebody get up and drill,

drill someone coming down the sideline. See, this is what it's all coming out. I love it. After all these years of people saying the Patriots are cheaters like no one else is doing it. Like the Yankees weren't all taking fucking roids along with the fucking Reds. Everybody cheats. You guys watch that 30 for 30 on SMU. And how the entire Southwest Conference football was played.

I hate to say it during the week of Christmas, but there's no Santa Claus. Everybody fucking cheats. Everybody cheats. What song is that? Remember that from fucking Sesame Street? Everybody sleeps. And they show like turtles sleeping and you sit there almost tearing up, not even knowing what the fuck you were crying about.

You know, cause you already knew it. You could sense it even as a six year old that the world was going to be full of a bunch of selfish cunts. Hey, you know something? I have a video for you this week. How many fucking agonizing minutes am I into this podcast? 22 fucking minutes. Jesus Christ. I gotta be honest with you people.

Sometimes this podcast is easy and other times I feel like I'm shoveling wet snow. And this is one of these times I feel like I'm shoveling wet fucking snow. I'm sick of talking about football. I can't talk about it any fucking more. Thank you to Green Bay, Wisconsin though. I do want to say thank you for that Christmas gift for allowing us to win that game that we shouldn't have won yesterday. And do you guys realize I actually bet the Patriots after telling you guys all you've given 14 and a half fucking points. I bought into the hype.

You know, what a moron. All year I've been saying I hate our fucking defense. Let's up 24 to 30 points every fucking game. We have two good weeks in a row. I even said last week on the podcast you think I'm buying into this shit like we're going to win a Super Bowl. You don't just play two good games in a row and fucking wipe out 11 bad ones. And after saying all of that, what do I do? I fucking bet the Patriots because their fucking quarterback was out.

And I'm a fan of LSU. I don't ever remember that guy fucking doing anything. You know what it was that guy played at LSU right before I started watching college football. But my experience of watching LSU is they have fucking, they always have two quarterbacks. A white dude and a black dude. And they just sort of, I don't know what they do. They just switch them off. And it's not the same guys every fucking year.

They got a new white dude, new black dude. And they just put the white guy in there. Ah, he's too fucking white. Look at him taking that sack. Stick the black guy in there. Jesus Christ, he won't stand in the pocket. Get the white guy back in there. I'll tell you, if they could somehow a mouth, just stick those two guys together.

Ah, that probably wouldn't work, would it? I know it worked for Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson when they sang that fucking song. Was that one of the worst songs ever? Wait a minute, was that him? Who sang Ebony and Ivory? That was them, right? I was thinking of Eddie Murphy. He made it Stevie Wonder and Frank Sinatra. That was the sketch. Was that one of the worst fucking songs ever?

Ebony and Ivory. Somebody looked at the piano and just came up with that cornball shit. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, we all want everybody to get along. But do you have to try to make us throw up in the process? Why is happy shit so nauseating? Can anybody explain that to me during the week of fucking Christmas? You know, what is it about watching like a kid trip and fall and start crying and then looking for his mother?

What is it about that that's so fucking funny? You know, when they get up and they're crying so bad that they're not even making any noise. It just fucking makes me laugh. You know, watching my dog get so excited that it wants to go outside and it goes to make a quick, you know, fucking Barry Sanders cut and its legs, front legs go up from underneath them and I hear him hit its jaw off the floor. He gets up and fucking does that little Harlem shake to try to, it's just fucking funny. I don't know what it is.

Maybe because I grew up watching the Three Stooges, I don't know why. But watching people fuck up makes me smile. What is wrong with me? I really am destined to be alone. Alright, speaking of Christmas, last week I made the mistake of, I told you I bought a different kind of Christmas tree. For the holiday season, woop-dee-doo, bee-doo. I don't know, the past couple of years just to, you know, for new listeners this week. You know, I don't know what happened.

I just, at last couple of years I went down, I looked at these Christmas trees and they were like, they were like symmetrical and they would be like, you know, six inches of tree trunk and then they'd have like these perfectly level branches. I thought they looked badass. Like that Japanese garden sort of zen looking shit and I loved it. And I thought that, you know, I thought, you know, I knew I was going to get shit, but I thought at least a couple of people would come out of the woodwork and dare to break fucking tradition.

Let's read some of these, uh, these uplifting comments here. Uh, Bill, this guy tried to write, and he spelled dam-yum, D-A-M-Y-U-M. Dam-yum. Bill, that is Charlie Brown's tree. Looks more like an anorexic low hand than Theron. All right, nice tree, dick. You see, this is what it's like.

You guys want to get into entertainment. This is what you get all week. This is pretty much the tone. Every once in a while, hey, great special. I loved it, but other than that, that tree makes the peanuts crew look like ballers. I would rather decorate my coat rack than that skank shrub. Jesus Christ. Somebody wrote, this is the soundtrack to that tree.

I don't get internet in this fucking room for some reason, so I can't click on that. Uh, looks like a used up toilet brush. Uh, looks like the tree, the tree the three Stooges would have. Throw another picture up when you throw the lights on it. Oh, look at that. And I like that one. That's a twofer. Made fun of the fucking tree and made fun of my bare walls.

Um, yeah, people, you got a glimpse of how I live my life. This is why I'm debt free. How you enjoying your credit card debt, you cunt? I know how to live. I buy a Christmas tree I can actually afford. All right. Uh, yeah, you probably should have got the other tree. What are you a fag?

I like it. I bought a Charlie Brown tree. I was going to buy a real tree and cut off half the branches. So it was like Charlie Brown tree and my girl went out and bought one herself. So she could say it's hers and I can't cut it up. Okay. So that guy was kind of, kind of on my side. So what is that 20 against one for me?

Looks like a cell phone tower in disguise. Jesus, I'm getting killed here. All right. Uh, let me see something. He's just going Charlie Brown on me here. What do we got? Dude, I was generally excited to see your tree. Where did you pick it out?

Where'd you pick it out champ? Fucking Afghanistan. It actually looks like something that would grow out of the soil in Hiroshima. No, seriously, I'm glad you're going out of the ordinary with the tree this year. Good. Good for you. But I had no idea trees could get hepatitis. Merry Christmas.

Oh, look who's here. Yeah. Everybody is agreeing with you. You want to come on the podcast? Wait a second. Let me, uh, let me get your mic up here. Here you go. Hi.

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Let me make sure you read. Go ahead. Let's talk it. Merry Christmas, everybody. There you go. Talk a little more. All right.

Happy holidays. All right. Um, would you like to hear some of these comments? They all agree with you about the tree, about the tree of the holiday season. Oh boy. Uh, maybe I should have known what to expect when you described the tree, but I didn't expect that. No offense.

But that just looks awful. I have to admit that that one hurts more than people who somebody said looked like a cell phone tower. Right. Like those ones are actually funny. This guy, that was, that one came from the heart. That would really was, uh, well, I'm a fucking termite and even I wouldn't take a shit on that fucked up tree.

Jesus. Wow. Sweet tree. Not. Oh, that's lame. Yeah. No, you know what that is? That's like from a fucking anthrax fan who's like fucking 48 now and has three kids.

That's from like a Wayne's world. Didn't they always used to say that? Not the first time I saw not was anthrax. That guy had it shaved into his chest. The word not an OT. Yeah. The guy who then eventually shaved his head. You know, those guys who go bald are always like hairy, like apes.

The guy, uh, the guy who was on that, that VH one show where they had the super group. Oh, uh, yeah. Anthrax. He had the long beard. Yeah. The long shaved head, but just the long beard. The long beard. Yeah.

I know who you're talking about. I forget what his name is. Remember that? And when I shaved my head because I'm losing my hair and you like maybe you should fucking grow out the beard. You love the shape. I loved when you had the shaved head. I say, bring it back.

Well, I think nature's going to bring it back for me. But well, it's good to know that you still look good. Well, you know, I can't do that fucking real game propitious shit. I just can't. I just know, I know how it works in life. You don't get your cake and eat it. Nature's going to get you. Oh, you want to keep your fucking hair?

Okay. Why don't we just fucking take a shot to your goddamn liver? Those people are going to lose their livers. You know, they're full heads of hair. What did I walk into? I thought we were talking about the tree, the anorexic tree. Yes. So have you done any Christmas shopping?

Let's do a quick little interview. Get the people all caught up with you. Have you? Look at that tree. I think that tree looks fucking cool as hell. It's not the Charlie Brown tree. You have to take. Fucking asshole.

Wait a minute. It's symmetrical. The Charlie Brown tree was all brown. Fuck all you guys. Bill, you have to take a picture of the tree now that it's decorated though. What? Because I think there's a difference. They can say it looks like a fucking Broadway singer with AIDS because it's all glitter and

skinny. Bill. What? They do. They do dress flashy. You need to stop. Well, I'm not saying that I agree with that. I'm saying that that's what they would write.

I like how that's your out for everything offensive. I'm not saying I agree with it. It's just how it is. You're such a fucking dirt bag. No. I saw that movie in the band plate on, right? I don't remember any guys. I don't remember any guys driving garbage trucks holding their other garbage truck boyfriend,

rocking them slowly. It's not only gay people who catch AIDS. Let's not talk about this. It's that in truck drivers. Let's not talk about this. Isn't that what it was? Let's move on. It's Christmas.

Huh? I know it is. No, let's talk about AIDS and let's talk about the band. No, let's not. The band plate on. Come on. This is fucking hilarious. Please stop.

I never saw it. I never saw it. It was a long time ago. I know. How did the song go? I don't know. There was a song? Yeah.

I thought of the band. It didn't happen. It wasn't about Christmas shopping. Wasn't it about San Francisco? Wasn't that where they based it? I don't know. And Harvey Milk came in and then that other guy shot him in the head. That was milk.

It was milk. It was Sean Penn. Can I show you the most? I won't even show this to you because I love you too much. Somebody sent me a YouTube video. You guys have to. When has that ever stopped you? Showing me horrific things.

This is why. This is why you don't get affection. I try to give it to you and you slap it down. Look at that. What? What do I mean? What? Do I got to replay what just happened there?

I said, I'd love to show this to you and but it hurt you. You know, I love you too. Whatever the fuck nice thing I just said. You don't even remember. Anyway, it's two seconds ago, but I meant it. All right. There's a movie called Feast. This is going to be on the M.M. podcast where you guys feel free to go on there and trash

my fucking Christmas tree. I like it. I'm sticking. But you know what this is like? This is like the new kid who comes to school and you guys all pick on him and I befriend him because I'm stronger. I could step outside the group. Look at me.

I'm the hero. It's just a tree. And I'll fuck you. All right. There's a movie called Feast. Yeah. Have you ever heard of that movie? Okay.

I don't know what's going on. I can't. I don't want to. Oh, it's my phone. What is your cell phone sound like the tornado drill from the 50s because you notice there's no, there's no good ringtones. You know what? Go get the, you know what?

I'll let my podcast listeners decide the ringtone. Go grab my phone if you don't mind. All right. All right. Now I'm going to describe this fucking thing while you're up. Okay. There's this, this is movie out there, Feast that I have to rent. I don't know what's going on, but there is a woman tied down and this beast that looks

like a little person that was skinned alive basically comes out of nowhere and fucks this woman in the mouth and finishes there. I said it. I said it. And it happened so fast. I didn't even think that it was real and I don't know. That's what I have to ask. It's like, you're not really trying to scare me.

You're just trying to either gross me out or make me fucking laugh. But if you really want to get grossed out, here's another YouTube video of the week. Somebody sent one in. I only got like two minutes into this thing and I had to shut it off. Human cryogenics. All right. So if you guys, you know, isn't that funny? I told her to go pick up my phone.

She goes and answers it and now it's talking to the person. You know, what would you broads be doing if you weren't running your fucking yaps? You know, it's like, I don't understand. They just, they just have to be talking. All right, whatever. So human cryogenics, Red Sox fans, we're all familiar with that. You know what I mean? Ted Williams head, I believe is upside down sitting on a tuna can and they accidentally

broke his nose. I'm talking about Ted Williams. They froze. Do you believe in pick up the microphone? Oh God, you're going to be eating on the podcast. You know, I think this is good that you're on the podcast. It's, it's, you know, it's the holidays. It should be family.

Some people don't like it though. Some people, some people don't like my Christmas tree. First of all, the internet is like, you know, like when you hang up those lights to attract bugs, you can zap them. That's what the internet is for cunts. You know what I mean? I like that analogy. Yeah.

They just gravitate towards it. All these miserable fucks who have all the power in the world to change their life and live the wonderful life that we're living on this fucking bed without a headboard. I've been trying, you know, somebody trashed us because we don't have, we don't have any pictures on the wall. I'm trying to teach people how to live a minimalist debt free life. First of all, we don't need pictures on the wall. We have a picture on the wall that Bill hates.

We have lots of pictures. This is getting way too fucking intimate, but intimate, but we have a picture above the fucking bed of it looks like, I thought you've talked about this picture. Have I talked about it? All right. Well, I already brought it up. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like, every time I look up, there's another deer. You can't see it and it's staring right into the fucking lens. It's not black and white. It's not in color. It's sort of in that Blair witch look. It's kind of a sepia tone. I fucking hate it. And you know something?

I know you hate it. Yeah. And I, whoa, I almost fell in between. See, we need a headboard. I almost just fell off the back of the bed. But I'd like to point out that we have plenty. First of all, I'd like to point out the fact that you went out and just bought that fucking photo.

Yep, I did. Right. Look at that. And you just hung it right over the bed. Yeah. How come you didn't ask me about it? I don't know. I just thought it would be nice.

Really? What if I get a poster of fucking Larry Bird? He played for the Celtics. I know who Larry Bird is. And he used to do this thing where he would always wipe the sweat off the side of his feet. So I'm going to get that. So it looks like one of his fucking blonde balls is going to fall out of his little short

shorts. Oh my God. And I'm going to hang that over the bed. I don't want to see how fucking long that lasts. I just want to say that we have a mantle and there's pictures all over the mantle of all of our family. You know something? Those are the pictures we have.

All right. You know what? This is hilarious how innocent you are with the internet. What do you mean? You don't defend your position. You don't? Because all you're doing now is prolonging the argument. So now they'll do like, really, why don't you put a picture up of them if you have them?

Because they just want more material to trash you. But they haven't even seen our apartment. Who are they to say anything? Exactly. I'm just saying what you're doing is, it's like when someone trashes you, how fucking white your legs are. I know. It's great.

I just take them out on a job interview and I get it. That's all you do. You just agree. Absolutely. Whatever. Yeah. I'm horrible. I look like a puppet.

Absolutely. You're 100%. And it kills it. That's what Madonna's done. You're a fucking whore. I know. You want to see my twat? Check out my new book.

I got it all over there. I got a close-up. Didn't she take it in that book? She took a close-up of her fucking hoo-ha. I don't think so. Yeah, she did. I just think she was fully new, but there wasn't a close-up. That wasn't that book?

No. The sex book? What book was that? I don't know. I don't think there was a little red wagon. What was the last book that I read? Actually, that book was, I think was my favorite work by Madonna and I thought it was her most honest work.

You know? Standing out there on the street, looking like a fucking prostitute. Exactly. Exactly. She looked good. She looked phenomenal. She looked really good. I still bang that fucking cougar.

You know what I hate? You know what I love is that she's gotten all her varicose veins fucking danced out. No, no, no. This is what I like. I was just going to talk about that because everyone always talks about her. Her arms are so veiny. It's so gross. But you know what?

Madonna works out every day and that's blood pumping through those veins. You can see life. That's what those veins are. It's very inspirational. Yeah. Very inspirational. I mean, I know it doesn't look aesthetically that great. She's like somebody who bought a car.

You know what she's like? You know what she's like? She's like Clint Eastwood in that movie Grant. Torino? Torino. Yeah. I never named that car. That Grant Torino.

Do your impression of that. I forget it. Get off of my lawn. Is that what it was? I can't remember. Something like that. Yeah. But then I would say all race is shit, which people won't get that I'm making fun of the

movie and they'll think I believe it. Well, that's what he did in the movie. He was racist. Anyways. And then he came around. But anyway. Because it's a Hollywood movie. Wow.

Because it's a holiday movie. He wrote and directed it. Listen. Yes. Grant Torino. That's how she's treating like the way he treated that car. That's why she's treating the body. Her body is like in fucking mint condition.

It is. You know, and all the rest of us, what do we do? We fucking back into a car and don't worry about it slam into a tree. That's how we treat our bodies. Madonna doesn't settle for second place. Yeah. She's out there waxing it. Yeah.

She's in the fucking oil. Mm-hmm. Balls to the wall. Not. Look at you. This is the whole fucking old school shit this week. So. Yes, I did go Christmas shopping to answer your early question.

You did go Christmas shopping. I have a little bit more to do. What did you get me? I'm not telling you. It's a surprise. You'll find out on Saturday. She gave me a shirt. You know what sucks about being a guy is the last time you get a good gift is I think

when you're 11, the second you turn 12 and you start becoming an adult. Maybe you can get some like electronic shit, you know, you just go into that, that phase where you get shirts and organizers. This is a place to put your wallet, your keys. I actually fucking love that. You know, that's really unnecessary. You know, I'm coming on to this podcast and getting trash. Here's the perfect push-ups.

Merry Christmas. I'm fucking with you. You got me great gifts. You have first year I was with you. You got me the drumsticks with my, my initials engraved in them. That was fucking adorable. How cute was that? Those were great.

That was cute. That was adorable. This was when obviously Bill and I were first dating. All right. So much of our life. Let's get back to the podcast here. That was when we were talking about our social security numbers that are 7, 9, 8, 4, 5. No, I was just going to say that was what I thought I would do.

You brought it up. I'm trying to get you to stop talking about it. Fine. All right. Let me see if I got a question here that you can actually answer or you can add to. I don't think I have anything. You know what this fucking podcast, oh shit, did I shut it off? I didn't.

Did I? We're up to 42 minutes. So, listen. Yes? I got an offer for a corporate gig on the day after Christmas in Eagle Rock. And I was wondering if I could go do it. No. Please.

First of all, that's a fucking lie. All right. Second of all, no. Just fuck it with you. Just get mad at me when I do fucking work. You know what this whole fucking podcast, I just forgot I was even doing the podcast and I'm just sitting here watching you eat oatmeal. All right.

Do you have any closing comments? I got to bring this home with something funny here. Do you got anything? Anything you want to say? Oh, let's talk about how I hurt my foot making funny your fucking ex. Oh, yeah. I made fun of her exercise tape. She's in there like grunting and groaning.

Doing this fucking exercise tape. And I walked in there and it's that dude Bob from the biggest loser with his shredded head. He like has like he's, he works out too much like he actually, you know, the cuts people want when they get abs. He has them on either side of his forehead. His head is shredded. He's in great shape.

DVDs are no fucking. Yeah. So she sits there and she starts telling me how his DVDs are hard and all that. I was like, fuck that guy. I can do that goddamn DVD. I'll be fine. Typical man. Right.

And then what happens? I go to stretch before I do it because I'm 42 years old and you're like, oh, you don't need to stretch. He has his whole stretching thing and he fucking didn't. And I ended up screwing up my foot again. They're stretching in the beginning. Yeah. That's bullshit.

He didn't, he didn't do any stretches for your back. Nothing. Nothing to stretch out your feet. And then the guy has the fucking fucking jumping. I got Bill Walton feet at this point. Let's do that goddamn video. Who is Bill Walton? Bill Walton was a big fucking redhead who smoked weed in college and hung around John Wooden.

And then all he does is try to like, John Wooden was this amazing coach who gave you all this life advice. And he's trying to be John Wooden, Jr., always giving out advice, always telling those stories. And he has this awful fucking voice that's like, it comes from the center of his head and goes out his fucking broken nose. I remember John Wooden. I didn't want to get a haircut. And he said, pull it.

You don't need to get a haircut. Ugh. Yeah, as well. Fucking redheaded Frankenstein. Well, in the midst of that workout, when there was all that stuff going on with the back, I was like, why don't you stop and just kind of do an alternate version of it. And you wouldn't do it because you're a typical man and you have to be like, I can do anything. You know what?

I just love that you're saying typical man. Yeah. Even a bit of a person. And then give me shit when I talk about all the broads. You've always done that. I always have done that. And I don't have a problem with you saying that guys are hardheaded because we are. We're fucking morons.

And you guys are psychos. You guys are psychos. All right. We're emotional. That doesn't mean that we're psychos. I don't like you. T-Baws fucking bandana. What do you think about that?

Oh, T-Baws. Right? From that fucking, what's the name of that group? I was going to say. How long is it going to take you to get the name of it? Bill never remembers the name of anything. G-Sexy Cool was the name of their album. Don't go Jason.

I thought they were saying, don't go Jason. Waterfalls. And I didn't know what that meant. I was like, is that some sort of hip-hop slang? Who's Jason? Is that like a... And why does he like waterfalls? Why does he like waterfalls?

Can you fucking get the oatmeal you just spit out of your mouth? Oops. No. What was the name of that? TLC. No. Oh, left eye. Cause I is right.

Oh shit. What song is that? No, that's why she called herself left eye. Cause what? Cause I is right. At least that's how she explained it. I is right. No.

They said, why do you have that thing under your left eye? She had something on her fucking face and she said, cause I is right. And I was like, oh, what a cunt. You know, right there. Oh, cause she's dead. I'm not supposed to say that when she was alive, she probably wasn't difficult to be in a relationship with. Wasn't she the one who burned down that guy's fucking house?

Yeah, she did. And didn't go to jail because she has a vagina? She went to jail. Are you dumb? She went to jail for that? Yes. For how long? I don't know.

Exactly. Why don't you go on the internet and look it up instead of talking about shit that you have nothing about. That's one of those things where you end up being wrong. Where you end up being wrong and you're proven wrong so you just fucking gorilla your way through it. Like you just said? Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. She did go to jail, Bill. Look it up. I'm not going to look. And then they forced her ass to go to rehab because she was an alcoholic on top of it. Anyway. Would the see. Why are you saying it like she's some sort of a victim?

She burned down. So please keep the mic in front of your mouth. I didn't say that she was a victim. I did not say that. Yeah. He gave her the out because she was an alcoholic. No, I didn't. Yeah, you guys.

You guys always have it. Your whole fucking life. You just give an excuses. That's why you guys. That's why you can't do as many push ups as a guy. Has nothing to do with your mothering hips. It has to do with the fact that you fucking get the T of 20 yards in front of me and still get to get the same fucking score.

What does the C stand for in TLC? I don't know what the TL stands for. Yes, you do. Tender love and care. Is that what it stands for? There are the names of the girls in the group. All right. There was chili.

I got chili. There's left eye. And then there's T boss. There you go. Yeah, I got it. There you go. There's more pop culture. Give me a little pop culture quiz here.

I'll fucking, I'll bury it. Go ahead. Do it. Can you name all the members of? No, you can't. Go ahead. New edition. Absolutely.

Go on. Bobby Brown. Mm hmm. Jerome Robinson. The trail spree. Well, and Nipsey Russell. Oh, he was a manager. He was a manager.

I wish that was a group. Oh, but I know, here it is. Horrible. That's my. Horrible ring. Give me a fucking break. You want to hear my, you want to hear my options? Give me another group.

Why don't you pick a white group so I can actually get it? New kids on the block. New kids on the block. Oh, they had all those gay names. Joey, Bobby, Stevie, Mikey and Pookie. Huh? Can you feel it, baby? I can feel it too.

That was Marky Mark. Stealing the lick and the lips thing from LL Cool J. Marky Mark and who else? And the funky bunny. I remember those guys. Yeah. Feel it. Feel it.

It's just a good vibration. Oh, horrible music. What was the spin-off group from new edition? Bell Bip DeVoe. Wow. What did they say? Banking of these poison. I remember all that shit.

Go ahead. Name a song by Bobby Brown when he was solo. My prerogative. These are a joke. Okay. Let's see. I'm trying to give you some. I made this money.

Right, Joey? We didn't. Look at my fucking shiny shoes. What does SWV stand for? I want some crack. Sorry. What does SWV stand for? Sisters with Voices.

You are all up on your like R&B 90s group. I'm impressed. You're going, all right, let me ask you something. What's the name of the maniac in AC DC? You can't sit still for two seconds. You run around the schoolboy outfit. I took you to see AC DC. What's his name?

I know. A great performers of all time. He's like James Brown without rhythm. He never stops moving. The hardest working white boy in show business. I forget. Okay. It's a kind of beef.

Angus young. There you go. There you go. See, we should be on the fucking $10,000 pyramid. Give me another one. All right. Name the original lineup of Van Halen. Name as many members as you can.

This is the white version. Eddie Van Halen. Of New Edition. Yeah, Eddie Van Halen. Bang. David Lee Roth. Good. That's half the group.

He's got a brother. It's one of the names GSP always says. Michael Van Halen? Nope. Alex Van Halen? Alex. Alex. Do you add George Shapiro?

Do it. Come on, Alex. Hey. Jonathan. Jonathan. Swipe the leg. Jonathan. Hey.

All right. Hang on a second. What else do we got here? Where the fuck? Oh, the ringtones. Here's the ringtones for the week. All right. I'll give you another quiz.

Oh, you'll get that one. I can't even answer that one. It was the same name. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I think I watched that one. That was the same name. Name the lead singer of Durand, Durand. You'll get that. Simon LeBon?

You jerk. Um... Everybody likes Simon LeBon. I don't fuck... All right. Well, you didn't get the guy from Anthrax? No, I wouldn't get that. All right.

Quiz me. Quiz me on five movies, then I got to end the podcast. Because I have to go do my fucking Christmas shopping. Five movies? Yeah. You don't want me to get you this year? What? You don't want me to get you.

I'm going to get you a... Let me think. I'm going to get you some workout clothes, right? Maybe like a positive CD. A positive CD? What does that mean? Yeah, one of those things where you put it on and it sounds like weather. And it helps you sleep better.

Yeah. I'm going to get you that. And then I'm going to get you some new toenail clippers. Stick that right in your stocking. How's that? So romantic. All right. Go ahead.

Quiz me on some movies. And then I'm out. Um... Name... Let's talk into the mic. Name at least five actors in the movie Casino. Five actors in the movie Casino. All right.

It should be easy. It should be easy. But I'm not good with names. All right. Robert De Niro, Joe Pesci. Yep. Frank Vincent. Uh-huh.

Uh... Oh. Sharon Stone. Uh-huh. And fucking... Uh... The guy went to MIT. What?

Yeah. I know about his personal life. He had a fucking insane mullet. Uh... James Brolin. Yeah. You got James, right? Oh, is that his name?

James Deer. Vanderbeek. James Vanderbeek. Yeah. What's that? It's a picture. I know. Of what?

Deer. In the... Woods. There you go. James Woods. Oh, James Woods. That's right. I knew it.

Yeah. We're just boring the listeners. I know. Do you have anything that you want to say before I dismiss you? Happy holidays, everyone. There you go. Be good to each other. Okay.

Now get your oatmeal. And get out. And get out. That's it. Nia, everybody. The lovely Nia coming in on the podcast once every fucking six weeks. Get out of here. Where do I have to leave?

There you go. And she's leaving. All right. There you go. So that's the podcast for this week, people. I know it kind of sucked. I know some of it was kind of nice. But that's it.

Oh, you know something I keep meaning to fucking talk about on this goddamn podcast is I started... Somebody sent me something about the fucking, what the hell did I do to my damn computer? Let it go. Let go of my fucking cord. Are you fucking kidding me? Get out. Hang on a second, people. That damn cord is stuck in there.

Whatever. People keep sending me this shit about a one person did sent me about the Liverpool soccer club in the Premier League. And evidently these American dudes bought it and said that they were going to buy a brand new stadium. They were going to do all this type of shit and they didn't do it and somebody sent me this great video of all these English people from their hearts telling these American guys to fucking sell the goddamn team and to fuck off and it was awesome.

And this is the same team that the owners of the Red Sox then went in and bought and I started looking at the Premier League and like three or four of the teams are owned by Americans, specifically people from the United States. All right, because we're all from North America over here. And I can't believe how fucking annoying that would be. You know, if a bunch of English guys came over and bought my team and said that they were going to do a bunch of stuff and they fucked it up, I would be beyond pissed. So I don't know.

Sorry about that, England. I don't know why the fuck we did that. It's nice to know we're buying something. Consider Japan's come over here and they fucking bought up everything over the last 20 years, didn't they? Don't they own our roads? You know, what are you going to do with them? Close them off?

Do you have enough people to do that? I don't think you do. So yeah, send me some more information on that because I'd like to talk about the Premier League. Also, I'm wondering in Ireland, is that Seven Nation Rugby League or whatever the fuck it is, is that starting up again because I watched that last year in March when I went over there and rugby is the shit. And unlike professional football, which they're just turning into the biggest pussy sport

ever, isn't it enough that they have to wear pink for the entire fucking month of October? You know, now you can't tackle people. The amount of quarterbacks out there that are getting like Joe Montana fucking stats because their drive was kept alive because a defensive person had the audacity to tackle someone is just fucking beyond me. And I got nothing left people. I'm not going to lie to you. This podcast was fucking over before it started.

I have too much shit I have to do. All right. I remember the first year I did this podcast, I actually took two weeks off. I took two weeks off. So, you know, whatever it was dressed down fucking Monday, I came in, I did what I could. All right. That's it. That's it for the, for the podcast for this year, everybody, right?

Now we got one more for this year and next week's I promise you, I promise you will be just as bad as this one, if not fucking worse because I'm on vacation. I'm not required to make you laugh, but I want to thank everybody seriously, everybody who came out to see my shows this year. I had a great time and I actually, oh wait, you know, I know what I'm doing, I'm missing underrated, overrated. How the fuck could I do that? Underrated, overrated this week real quick, overrated, both the Jets and the Patriots being

a Dolphin fan born and raised in Miami. I'm sick and tired of these two faggot teams dominating the AFC East for the past decade. Well, it's really been the Patriots. It was very nice of you to throw the Jets in there. I think the Jets have won like what? One division in the last fucking 10 years. So I get it. We're overrated because your team sucks.

Hey, did you like how the former Dolphin won the game for the Jets yesterday? I bet you enjoyed that, huh? Hope you get a sunburn on your ass, you fucking cunt. All right. Underrated, the Bills being a Dolphin fan born and raised in Miami. Like you already said, I love the Bills for always keeping the Dolphins in the hunt for the playoffs every year for the past decade and a half. All right.

That guy was just being a dick. So I have to respect that. All right. Underrated. Michael Vick. He does sports announcer voice. Michael Vick. Michael Vick.

One of the things you have to understand about Michael Vick is Michael Vick, the MVP of this season, Bob, because he's my MVP. He's making fun of me talking about how that's all they say. Michael Vick. What can you say about Michael Vick? Well, Jim, Michael Vick. You know what? I have to admit, I was fucking wrong about that guy.

I was wrong, but I was also right. Okay. Because the same reason I fucking fell for it by the Patriots playing good defense for two weeks in a row and then actually gave up 14 and a half points, ignoring the fact that they only played well for two fucking weeks in a row. You can't say that a guy's the best dude in the fucking league because he lights up the Redskins. And fucking three weeks later, John Kittner lights up the fucking Redskins.

All right. But yesterday, what happened in that game? I mean, that was unreal. I think he went back to old school. Michael Vick, he just started fucking running down the field like a goddamn water bug. But I was wrong about that guy. It's weird. You can't say he's in like a league of his own as far as like what the fuck he's doing

because I've never seen anybody do that shit at his position. And I'd say that he's going to change the position, but I don't know that any being another person as talented as that fucking guy at that position. I don't know. So anyways, he says, Bill, sorry, you have to go through another week of that shit of everybody saying Michael Vick. But every time I hear them talk about Vic after a big wing, no matter, no matter what I remember about your rent against the announcers, about the announcers saying his name over

and over again, I say he's still underrated because he broke two NFL records in the last two weeks, but still can't get any solid respect. Dude, I think he's getting his solid respect. The fact that they're saying that he might be the MVP of the league and he's coming off an 18 month stint in Leavenworth for torturing dogs to death. You know what I mean? I definitely thought when someone plays the fucking race card, I always listen to it because I, you know, I travel the road and I know what people are like having talked to them.

There's just people are fucking, they're awful. They're fucking awful. But this is the one time where it's like, dude, you know, you torture dogs to death. You drowned them. You shot them. Straight up, straight across the fucking board. You know, you can't expect people to 100% embrace you after you do some shit like that, even though you more than paid the fucking price.

But I'd rather be you than one of those fucking dogs. So anyways, he said, I say underrated because he broke two NFL records in the last two weeks, but still can't get any solid respect. Honestly, as much as I hate Tom Brady, he is the real MVP so far, but people are still hesitant. The real MVP is, but Tom Brady is having his best fucking year. All right, this is a good one here, Yukon women's team 88 win streak overrated the audacity of these media pricks to compare the Yukon's women's team to the UCLA team, by the way,

which was cheating, by the way, with how they got all their prospects for all you people who trash the Patriots and act like all your fucking winning is because you're just such smart fucking human beings. I'm not going to get involved and I'm not going to open that fucking can of worms, but John Wooden, as my buddy said yesterday, was the king of looking the other way when the boosters got involved. Okay, let's leave it at that. All right, of course, it's a major accomplishment.

But as is typical with everything male versus female related, people cannot put things into perspective when it comes to females. The women's Yukon teams 88 wins is in no way shape or form as impressive as the UCLA teams 88 wins. I'll put it to you like this. I used to play little league football and got MVP three times in a row and co-MVP once. However, Tom Brady has won the NFL MVP. I think once or twice.

I have a longer MVP streak than Tom Brady, but whose MVPs are more respectable and impressive? That's right. Mine. Just kidding, of course. His are. All right, I get that. But do, but you're a guy and you could play in the NFL, but you weren't good enough. So that's the difference, I guess.

As far as that, I would say that they're the UCLA, the UCLA of women's basketball. How about that? You got to say that because they are going up against the best females out there and they have one 88 in a row. So I would say it like that, but to compare, to put it up there with UCLA's, yeah, the men's, I definitely think that's bullshit. That's just the classic, you know, it's like them wearing pink in the NFL. It's just, you're just appeasing them.

That's all the fuck you're doing. You know, that I really just compare breast campers to like appeasing somebody. I really should just stop talking, but I'm just going to keep going here. Yeah. As far as sports accomplishments go, I don't think females mean as much as men's just because we're better at it than you are. You know, we just have better hand-eye coordination. Just generally speaking, we're just better at it, you know, the amount of guys that if

you go, hey, think quick catch and you just throw them a stapler, they're going to catch it and the amount of women who would just take it off the face and have it land in their cleavage is, you can't even compare it. You know, let's debate that next week. I don't think females are as good at athletes as guys are. I just don't, I don't think they are. I don't think that they have that killer instinct, you know, unless they're, they're, they're chemically wired like a guy and they have as much testosterone.

I don't think it's going to be a problem. I'm just saying this to piss people off so I don't have to work hard next week. I think that's it. Do I got some YouTube videos? You know, if ever I was going to edit a fucking podcast, it should be fucking this one. This one is just, Jesus, whatever. Last week's was great. This is what you guys, you know, this is a let down week for me.

All right, YouTube, check this one out. This is one of the creepiest ones I've seen and it's called the liar card. This is a card you can put in your phone and for people, you know, so when you're, you're, if people are ducking your calls, it will show up as somebody else's phone call. You can disguise your voice to sound like a woman or a man and I guess you can find out where they are in case, you know, I don't know what. There's another good one. Now Danny Woodhead, you know, the fucking all pro for the fucking New England Patriots.

Danny Woodhead as Modell's employee selling his own Reebok jersey. He stands in a Modell selling his own jersey in New England and nobody recognizes him. Now the YouTube, these all be up on the MM podcast. The Cliff Lee signing did not make the boss happy. This is actually a total rip off video of a video that a Canadians fan made or someone who hated the Canadians a year ago. They just took this footage of somebody playing Hitler in a movie flipping out. Just know that it is a rip off, but it's funny, I guess.

What else do I have here? I think that's it. Is that it? That is it. All right. All those videos will be up there. I apologize for the choppy podcast. They can't all be great hour and five minutes.

And by the way, there's some maniac out there transcribing my podcast and Mark Marins and I think Adam Corolla's and how about a round of applause for that fucking trooper actually sat down and was reading. I read like three minutes of my podcast. The guy gets like every fucking word. So God bless you. And that is it. That's the podcast for this week.

You guys all have a merry Christmas. Happy Kwanzaa. Happy Hanukkah. Happy fuck the holidays. If that's how you are. I hope you guys all have a good week. Don't take any shit. That's it.

Go fuck yourselves. Sometimes when the night is bright, Drink me the water. Walk around. Welcome to the CPAP Games Live from the Hayes Bedroom. It's another eventful night, Bruce. It sure is, Ron. Steve has been flailing everywhere struggling with this CPAP.

His wife, Michelle, is as tense as a fiddle string trying to contain her rage. Michelle's rolling Steve over. There he goes and the mask is off. Oh my, the snoring. Michelle throws an elbow. Now a shove. If she's leaving for the couch, taking her place is the Hayes' 100-pound lab. Bask in that dog breath, Steve.

With all this struggle, Steve should get inspired. Absolutely, Bruce. Inspire is a sleep apnea treatment that gives you comfortable, restful sleep with the click of a remote. That's right, a button. As you sleep, Inspire keeps you breathing normally and sleeping peacefully. There's no mask and no hose. Just sleep.

Learn more at Inspiresleep.com. Inspire. Sleep apnea. Innovation. Inspire is not for everyone. Talk to your doctor to see if it's right for you and review important safety information at Inspiresleep.com.