Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-21-17

Episode Date: December 21, 2017

Bill rambles about passive aggression, traveling and focused practice.

There are a lot of options where to buy your next floor, but there are few that have the distinction of being a premier flooring center. At Blakely's, we have been awarded this high achievement because of our incredible show rooms and staff, serving Carmel, Fishers, and the surrounding communities. Our flooring professionals will assist you in selecting the best product for your lifestyle with colors and options that complement your home. We are committed to helping you find your next floor, making the process easy. Visit our premier flooring centers today, locally owned since 1895, experience the Blakely's

difference. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning. No, it isn't. Oh, God damn it. It's time for the Thursday afternoon. Just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm dreaming of checking in on you, just

like the freckled cunt I am. Do they have Christmas music in other countries? Is this strictly an American thing? I can't imagine you're in England and they give a shit about being Crosby going where the trees are glistening and children listen to him. They don't even have like enough fields over there for sleigh bells to go through, right? There's no fucking room over there in England. It's all been developed.

That's why we ended up coming over here. It wasn't because of religious differences. There was too much urban sprawl over there, even back in the 1600s. That's why people's teeth in England are so goddamn crooked. It's not because they don't take care of the teeth. They're all mashed together. I'm sorry. I had no intention of getting on this podcast and insulting the great state of England.

There's a lot of great states out there, right? Rhode Island, Connecticut, and England. England is an incredible state. It's about the size of New Jersey. You've got to admit, man, for such a small country, they've definitely let themselves be known around the world. For better or for worse, depending on what side of the queen you're sitting on, why would I, I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.

You know, I don't give a shit because technically I'm on vacation. I don't even feel like I need to be making an effort at this point. Who knows? I'll probably lose another fucking advertiser. We're trying to sell, we're trying to sell pencils over in the United Kingdom when we just felt some of your statements, they just went beyond comedy and just got into an area that we didn't feel was inclusive. Those people, everything's a question.

They're like literally taking the piss out of USA. You know, I just felt like you're not, we just feel like you're not doing the job we need to be done that needs to be done. And that you're going to be unemployed during the holidays. That would be best for us. The ultimate passive aggressiveness is you walk around and you don't have the common decency just to just be, stand there flat footed and be the cunt that you are instead. You do everything with questions.

So that's when I stole your password for your bank account and depleted all your savings. So I'm sorry. I'm writing this from the Cayman Islands. Um, anyways, I'm back. I'm back. I'm back in Boston, baby. A lot of bees there. A little Ray Shaw, a little Ray Shaw, past blue ribbon, I'm a Cajun man, Adam Sandler,

weekend update back in the day when I was young. I'm back here in Boston and, uh, this is my first Christmas as a dad. It's pretty exciting. I made a promise to myself that I was not going to flip out at all, that I was just going to be, I was going to be as rosy as my daughter's cheeks are right now cause she's teething, um, and I was able to do that until I picked up the rental car. I lost my shit twice, maybe three times. I vaguely remember taking my hat off and throwing it as hard as I can down at the empty passenger

seat, you know, like it was the end of the game and there was a terrible call, like somebody scored a touchdown and they said, oh wait, you didn't make a football move. And now I got to be on the road during the playoffs, playoffs. Oh, here's what happened. We had a very early flight and, uh, and this is the first time I was flying. No, no, second time, second time flying with my wife and daughter. But the first time we did, my kiddo was so young. You know what I mean?

It was like bringing a loaf of bread with you. You know, she was really into being held back then and snuggled and all that type of stuff. Well, now my kid's mobile, going mobile, right? I believe she's what they call cruising at this point, which means she, she can pull herself up on a table and then walk side to side and do like all kinds of stuff like that. Although yesterday she actually let go of a table, turned around and then reached for something else.

Now she's never done that before what she would do will be like, wow, that's way over there. I'm not going to go down, sit on my butt, crawl half a step and then pull myself back up again. This is the first time, you know, she did sort of a wrestling move, like coming off the ropes, spinning around. She did everything but a flying kick. So my day's a number as far as, you know, being able to stick her in a general area

and turning my back and expecting her to still be there. So now, yeah, she wants to move around. I got to tell you something. She was an absolute angel on the plane. Wait, am I hearing other shit here? What in the fuck? Has that been going on the whole podcast? Sorry, I have my headphones on.

What fucking advertiser? Oh, that's right. That's right. I was on Google plus. Well, I'm sorry for the guy mumbling in the background. It wasn't some crazy relative. This is some old guy talking about how the U.S. and the China need to communicate. Oh, is that what we need to do?

Why don't we all just fucking leave each other alone? How about that? How about we stay over here, you stay over there, you shoot your missiles at yourself, we'll fucking throw our shit at ourselves if we feel like we want to kill somebody. Why don't we just do that? Why doesn't everybody in the world just grow the fuck up? Huh? All of this bullshit about fucking going to war and all of that crap.

It's just a bunch of rich people at the top throwing temper tantrums because they want some sort of oil or they want some sort of land. They want some sort of water outlet or they don't feel that you're praying to the right fucking person or they don't like your form of government. Who gives a fuck? You know, you think I like all of my neighbors? I don't dislike any of my neighbors, but you know, in the past, I haven't liked my neighbor's music.

I, when I lived in New York, I didn't like the smell of their food. I didn't like listening to them arguing or fucking or what, you know, what you do in New York City. But did I ever go? Did I go on the fucking warpath? Did I, did I fucking, you know, sucker punch somebody as they came walking out of the apartment? No, I didn't. I didn't because I'm a fucking adult.

All right. And I think it's high time that Democrats are public into the Pentagon and everyone around the world fucking just grow up. Just fucking grow up already. I gotta be honest with you. I cannot believe that war is still legal. The risk of sounding like a fucking tree hugger, I can't believe that it's a, it's still legal. You know what?

This is, this is my simple theory that I worked out by myself. So there was no one there to argue with me. So it completely makes sense. I definitely believe that you have to be a little sick to want to lead a nation. So I think that you got a lot of fucking complete lunatics in power and they, they make those choices like, like what's his face, Martin Sheen in the dead zone. The birds are away, gentlemen, the birds are away, right? That's kind of how I look at most of these fucking people that run corporations and all

of that type of shit. And I don't know what happened. This all just got depressing, which is why I don't watch the fucking news. I feel there's plenty of water, there's plenty of food, there's plenty of room for everybody. If everybody would just fucking relax, you know, and quit peeking over your fence to see what other people have and just be happy with what the fuck you have. We can have a nice giant farmer's market every Sunday. Okay.

Well, you got a barrel of oil. Oh yeah. We got a box of Snickers bars. How about that? We'll do a little fucking change here. Um, anyways, so I'm flying on the goddamn, I'm sorry for the fucking audio. I don't have time to change that shit. I apologize for the guy mumbling in the background.

Um, it's sort of my, my tribute to dark side of the moon, you know, that guy's mumbling all that shit. There really is no dark side of the moon. It's all dark. Um, so we did great on the plane. Everybody was loving my daughter over there. You know, she was just peeking over the seats, waving at everybody. My attendants were carrying her, walking up and down the aisle.

It was great. Um, by the end, she had everybody loving her, just smiling and waving. I'm going to try that on a flight. I'm going to start peeking over the seat, just smiling and waving at people like fucking lunatic. Oh my God. I was that fucking song is in my head. No, our daughter has this little, little car that when you fucking turn it on, how

does it, how does it go? I love driving on the road to be driving all around the town, waving to all I meet, smiling, waving, be over and over again. So anyways, I did great on the flight. Me, you know, I made a promise that I wasn't going to flip out this whole, this whole trip. I was a, I was able to do it until the rental car. All right. All right.

We're going to eat. Okay. I'll just stay here working during my vacation. Thanks for coming in and helping out. Okay. Um, so anyways, I, I, we go to get off the plane and it's the usual battle between a man and a woman. The guy's thinking, okay, we check bags.

We also have to pick up a rental car. There's going to be all these fucking people there. All right. There's going to be a bunch of people traveling. It's going to take forever to get the bags. Why don't I, while you guys wait to get the bags, I'll get on the fucking bus, the rental car bus, and I will go over to pick up the fucking rental car, you know, and my wife is a woman, right?

Always was a woman, by the way. We did not transition just to be progressive and give all you the information. She's a woman. So she wants to be social. Oh, I thought we could all go over there together. Why don't, this is me imitating you right now. I thought we could all go there together. She just gave me the finger and I'm like, honey.

We have three check bags. I didn't want to check a bag. I was going to travel. Oh, good. My kid's screaming in there. I didn't want to check a bag. I was just going to pack like I was going to go do a funny bone or some shit, right? A couple pairs of pants, a couple of headliner shirts, sweatpants, and a t-shirt, right?

But she's just like, what if we go out to eat? What if we get some Christmas gifts and we need space? Would you just please bring a giant bag? So I took out my fucking bag that, you know, I didn't even use the last time I went to Europe because I finally learned how to fucking pack. So we had three of those fucking things. So I'm like, honey, we're going to get off the plane first because we're riding up front like fancy people.

We're going to stand down there for a good 15, 20 minutes while the rest of the people file down. And then we'll stand there for another five minutes before the belt turns on. And then after the belt turns on and everybody's excited, it's just going to shut off. And then everybody's going to be like, what the fuck? And then another belt, two belts over is going to turn on, okay? And some smarty pants is going to figure out that that's actually where our flight is, except he's not going to tell anybody because he's a selfish cunt and he's going to stand

over there. And then gradually people will start noticing faces from their flight, two belts over, getting bags, not telling everybody so they can get out in the taxi line before anybody else. Then there's going to be a stampede of fucking people. This is basically what's going to happen. And this is the reason why I don't check a bag, okay? But in loyalty and dedication to you, in our little family unit, I chose to do that. So all of this shit's going to be going down, all right?

As we stand there going, what the fuck's going on? Meanwhile, I could be over there getting the car, all right? And then I could get the car and just as the belt starts, I could already be driving back, smiling, waving, beep, beep, right? I like picking up my car, two, two, beep, beep. So much to my surprise, she goes, oh, okay, and I'm like, yes, right? So I don't know if you guys have ever been to Boston, but I don't know what this fucking city has against signage.

They have plenty of signs, but none really tell you where to go. They're all sort of vague, and there's arrows pointing you in the general direction. And then at the last second, the place you want to be after you want to make the turn right behind that road as you're driving 40 miles an hour will be assigned pointing at the road that you're currently passing with whatever it is that you're looking for in the smallest print ever. So I get on the bus. I walk out the buses right there.

I'm like, bam, all right? I have my fucking, you know, I got my confirmation number and everything. I see some dad coming out. His family all gets on the bus. He has two carry-ons in a child seat. Where's the wife? She's with the kids. She carried the kids on, you know, the ones that can walk with their own power and they

go and sit down. So this poor bastard runs back to the curb to get the child seat. All these fucking assholes on the bus are just staring at the guy. It's like people, we're all in the same team here. We can't go until this guy, this poor bastard, gets all the shit on the bus. How about you help out, right? Everybody's standing there. So the guy comes fucking, running over, he's got the stupid chair, the child seat thing.

So I just reach out and he hands it to me, right? And he's just fucking, I don't even think he said thank you. He fucking runs back. I put the chair up where it needs to go. He shows up with the other two bags. I help him up with one, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and he sets everything down and I'm waiting for a big, hey man, thanks a lot, you know, little dad fist bump. He doesn't say anything.

He just looks at his wife and smiles and goes, they're all on and then walks back to where his wife and kids are. And all I'm thinking is, what a fucking, where's my pad on the back? I didn't have to do that, didn't say a fucking word. So then immediately in my head, I'm like, oh, this guy, he's got a fucking management position, doesn't he? He's got an expense account, you know, like you'd be on the fucking rental car bus. I was just like, you know what?

Fuck this guy. This guy's somebody's boss and he's a douche. I shouldn't have done that, right? Whatever. So the bus is pulling up. I'm fucking jam-packed with people and I'm doing a fucking head count, right? We go by the blue line, a third of the bus gets off and all I'm thinking is, ah, fuck. I recently just switched over to Hertz because budget has their head up their ass.

So all I'm thinking is I got to get off this fucking bus and I got to be part of that first third. So I'm not standing in the line because my wife is probably, God knows now that I'm over here, is probably getting the bags and she's going to be like, see, it wasn't ever. See, I was actually right. See? So anyways, the bus doors open. I'm the second person off the bus.

It's one of those buses that's dragging another bus. That's how big it is. And I shamelessly, with my backpack, sprint past everybody. Sprint, 49 years old, all right? Sprinting. Fucking running. NFL films could have filmed this and shown it in fucking slow motion, right? Burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it.

I fucking run by everybody. I'm the first person in. There's one person in line at Hertz, and he's already being helped. And I fucking run all the way up and I'm right fucking there. And wouldn't you know? I couldn't believe it. There's some other lady up there and she just goes, hello, sir, welcome to Hertz. Can I help you out?

I'm like, oh my God, this is so much better than budget. Okay. I got my fucking reservation number ready because I know, I know they're not going to have my car ready because this is everything, it's going, it's going too good. So she goes, what's the last name? And I go, Burr, she goes, Burr, oh, I have your reservation, reservation right here. I'm like, you got to be kidding me. I go, is it an SUV?

It's an SUV. Do you got a kid seat? We got a kid seat. You got one of those little savey, save, fucky, fuck uh, um, passes so I can go through the goddamn tunnel. Yes, we do. Bang, bang, boom, right, smiling, waving, she's great. I get it.

I go, you got to be shit me. So I fucking walk out, I make a right. Case number nine, 10. There she is. I throw my bags in the back. I fucking get in the car. Now I'm trying to figure out how to get out. There's like 50 signs that say exit.

I'm driving in a fucking circle trying to get out of there and I start to start losing my shit a little bit is every time I go to rent a car, I always have to double back because everything says exit. Every aisle says exit. And then you realize, oh, that's for me. If I just pulled out here, it's so fucking stupid. So I pull up and as, you know, I do the whole thing. Hey, thank you very much.

Yada, yada, yada. We'll see you later. And then right as I'm pulling out, I go, wait a minute, is there a child seat in this thing? I turn around. There's no child seat. I just talked to the lady, the fucking lady and she told me there was going to be one in there like an asshole. I took a fucking word for it.

I took a fucking word for it that these goddamn fucking people were going to put a car seat and then they don't have it. And I'm driving out. Now I pull over and now there's somebody behind me beeping because I'm the cunt now who's like looking back in disbelief. I shut off the car. I opened the back end. That's right.

And then I got back in to see that there was no car seat. So I'm starting to lose my shit. This guy behind me beeps the horn. I'm trying not to get mad and I'm like, fucking cocksuckers, lose my mind. Now I got to somehow figure out how to go back in. So I'm driving around and my brain's going, don't call your wife right now. Don't call your wife. So what do I do?

Call my wife. She picks up the phone and I go, Nia, these fucking assholes forgot to put a car seat in here. She goes, oh, we're here. We have the bags, but they didn't, they lost my mom's bag and all of a sudden it's turning into planes, trains and automobiles. This nice, smooth trip. My kid was great.

My wife agreed that I could break off and actually efficiently get the car while they wait for the bags. They had my reservation. They had all the accoutrements that I needed in the car and I was like, I knew it. I knew it was going to, and I just, I, somehow I went off on millennials like they're running hurts. Like it's not a bunch of people from my generation and older. And I fucking threw my hat down, screaming at the top of my lungs.

Every curse word I could possibly muster up, going, these goddamn fucking millennials. They can't fucking do anything right because they spend their entire life looking at a fucking screen. They can't solve any problems because anytime they have a problem, they either call their parents or fucking Uber and somebody shows up and pulls them out, you know, like a fucking helicopter pilot in Vietnam. Just comes choppering in and lifts them up out of their fucking problems. So I fucking drive back and I fucking pull in and as I come walking around getting ready

for a battle, this fucking hurt guy from hurts comes walking out. He goes, Hey, how are you? I go, Yeah, I was supposed to have a child seat. I don't have one. He goes, Well, I can help you out with that. And I would, he was so nice. He diffused all my anger. So he walks around the back.

He goes, All right, there's the child seats. Which one do you, how old she, she goes, which one do you want? I go, the one that's going to not make my kid die. I was still a little angry and he kind of gave me a look like that was a little harsh. So he goes, I meant, how old is your kid? I'm like 11 months. And he goes, All right, we got two. We got a black one.

And we got like a pinkish one. Is it a boy or girl? I go, it's a girl. He goes, Oh, we'll get the pink one. And then he literally, this is a guy in his sixties. He goes, Not to say that there's anything wrong if you have a boy. I said, Dude, you don't have to do that progressive shit with me. And he laughed, you know, like it's fine.

Not to say if you wanted to raise your kid, general neutral off your kid was already transitioning in 11 months, you know, started doing all that shit covering his tracks like he was fucking running for office. So I'm like, Oh my God, this guy's great. As always, I flipped out. I'm a fucking asshole. I should have looked. All I had to do was look.

And if I looked, I could have just met this guy, it would have been fine, right? So he gives me the seat and I go, All right, how do I get this in there? He goes, legally, I'm not allowed to put that seat in or tell you how to do it for legal purposes. He promptly turns and walks away. And he's walking away. I'm like, so that's it. He's just going to walk away and he doesn't say a fucking word.

Guy smiley. Just, I know he heard me just turned and walked away and that was it. And I was like, Oh, so this is why the child seat wasn't in there because they're not going to put it in there, even though they know how to put it in there, but they don't want to have the liability. So of course, now I go to put the fucking thing in there. I figure out how to hook it in and this thing has enough goddamn slack on it. It's like a fucking, you ever see those YouTube videos where they start, you know, they're

filming some kid that they're pulling down the street and like a fucking wagon or I don't know what a boogie board or he's on skis with roller skates. That's how this thing's flying around. I was just like, fuck it. We'll figure it out. So I head back to United. Oh, here's another great thing about Logan airport. This is how bad signage is in Boston.

When you pull into Logan airport, just to give you a heads up, if you drive back with the fucking rental car, you're going to drive into the airport. There's going to be a giant fucking sign with every air carrier that they have there at the airport. It'll say letter A, United fucking air, air fucking Brazil, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, B, Delta, American Airlines. Air Ethiopia, yada, yada, yada, all A, B, C, D, right? You have to drive by, sift through every fucking airline there is, okay?

As you're driving by 30 miles an hour with somebody beeping behind you, if you're lucky, you find your airline. And then for the love of God, memorize the letter because after that they're not listing any more fucking airlines. It's just going to say B, C, D, that's all A, B, C, D, E, and you got to remember what the fuck was mine? Well, where I was picking up the rental car, I was already past that sign. So now I'm like, what the fuck?

So I have to call Nia. As I already went by A, I'm like, Nia, what terminal are you in? She asked somebody B, right as I'm driving by B and I fucking have to do this hard, right? I go in there and right as I pull in, I see on the exit where you turn in, there's a sign that says B and it lists all of them, all the airlines, super small, but this is the greatest thing about Boston. It's not before you get to the turn, it's right after it. They're the fucking worst out here.

So we pull in and of course it takes me another three phone calls once I'm in B to figure out where the hell my wife is. We then fill up the fucking car. There's not enough fucking room because they gave us like a mid-size SUV. I mean, actually, thank God my mother-in-law's bag didn't come because we wouldn't have had the fucking room anyways. It ended up being our next flight and she got us. Thank God for that.

But now I'm thinking like, when we go back to the airport, I have to put somebody in a fucking cab with their bag. And then I get on, so I've already lost my shit. I lost it twice, all right? Once calling up Mia, I guess that's once and then I lost my shit yelling about millennials for whatever reason as if they're already running hurts. My apologies to millennials, okay? You guys, you're just like hipsters, okay?

You're getting way more shit than you deserve. You're not all bad, all right? So I fucking, and then I yelled at the fucking car seat guy, you know, who now I don't believe his mood. I think it was all just a tactic. Hey, how are you? Absolutely. Here's your kid seat.

Go fuck yourself. That was his vibe. Legally, go fuck yourself. So anyway, I finally find where my laugh is. We bring all the bags out, we stick everything in, and then I go to get on the Ted Williams tunnel, which really is, it really should have been in an episode of the Dukes of Hazard. If they reboot the Dukes of Hazard, as they're rebooting every fucking show, the amount of a fuck over that the big dig was.

The fucking Ted Williams tunnel starts off, it's four lanes across like, wow, this is great. Then it goes down to three, then it goes down to two. Who builds a fucking two-lane fucking tunnel in the last 20, 30 years? Who the fuck has done that? Like the entire big dig is, it's like two fucking lanes that goes down to one lane or it's three down. The whole fucking thing, it's just everybody merging underground. It is absolutely fucking hellish traffic.

And all I could picture was all the people that scammed it, living in giant houses with their own fucking helicopter, flying over all of it, not giving a shit, which I'm sure is not true. But in my head, that all makes sense. So I ended up missing my turn when I came out of the tunnel because I'm in the tunnel, my GPS didn't work. And so you actually get on the mass pike and their signage is so bad, there's actually an exit you can get off with all this signage on how to make a U-turn to drive back to the

fucking exit that they know that you missed. But they pocketed all the money for all the signage they should have fucking had to just have one fucking sign, which is the U-turn to send you back in. Which is why everybody in Boston is so goddamn funny. Because they do shit like that, laugh about it and pocket the money. And then everybody else is having an absolute shit fit, flipping out saying hilarious stuff about millennials or God knows what. I think I finally figured it out where they go, why are there so many fucking funny comedians

that come out of Boston? I would say because of the lack of signage. It just keeps you in this planes, trains and automobile mode 12 months out of the fucking year. Everybody in Boston, you know how they know how to get to work? Not because of the signs, because they memorized it. Everybody's going on fucking memory out here. It's certainly not the fucking signs.

All right, I think I've made my goddamn point. Let me do a little reading here. But anyways, we're here at the hotel. Everything's good. I actually worked out yesterday. I'm going to try to stay on my diet and pick my spots where I'm going to be eating bad. But whatever. I don't have anything planned.

I just want to hang with family and friends. It's going to be great. And you know what's awesome about having the kid is there's no, no one gives a shit about you anymore. It's perfect. Your kid is the star of the show. You just come walking and, hey Bill, how you doing? Great.

Look at my kid. Oh my God. Look at those cheeks. And it's over. You just get to stand in the background, sipping a drink, although by the way, you know, my wife's giving me pressure. She's like, Bill, you're going to stay sober this whole fucking trip. We can't go down to the hotel bar.

I'm like, I'll go down to the hotel bar. I'll just get a little, I'll get a fucking, maybe call it a fucking soda or some shit. What is that fucking drink that people order? Can I get a club soda and a lime? There you go. I'm getting it done. There are a lot of options where to buy your next floor, but there are few that have the distinction of being a premier flooring center.

At Blakely's, we have been awarded this high achievement because of our incredible showrooms and staff serving Carmel, Fishers, and the surrounding communities. Our flooring professionals will assist you in selecting the best product for your lifestyle with colors and options that complement your home. We are committed to helping you find your next floor, making the process easy. At our premier flooring centers today, locally owned since 1895, experience the Blakely's difference. Get it done.

Okay. DraftKings, everybody. Fantasy football season is coming to a close. It's time for the Tony Awards, everyone. And the sadness is really starting to set in. How about just the football season is ending? There's a word for your suffering, seasonitis. But while your season long league might be done, it's not too late to draft a new team

and win money doing it with one week fantasy football at DraftKings, at DraftKings. There are so many ways to play. Choose from public contests with huge cash prizes or private contests where you can compete against your friends. They even got beginner and casual contests where you play against people of a similar skill level. The best part, you know what, dude, I'm actually going to do this because I am ashamed at how few people's names I know in the league.

I just wish I could order all, you know, a complete set of football cards for the season. I can look at them like flashcards when I did as a kid, but my last time I tried to collect football cards in the 2000s, it was only adults doing it, so they were deliberately trying to make them rare. Anyways, the best part is you get to draft a new team each week and drafting a team is arguably the best part of fantasy, aside from winning cash. That is, just, that is, okay, sorry, just asked Travis from Los Angeles. He turned a $300 entry into a thousand bucks, or Gary from Houston, who turned his $3 entry

into 50 grand. Dude, he must have hit a fucking 10 team plale. Huge cash prizes and bragging rights away, only at DraftKings. Well, how the fuck do I get credit for that if there's no goddamn link? I was going to go there, click on the microphone and add my name, Burr. They don't even tell me to do that, maybe only got half the copy, I don't know. So that's it people, that's all I got, I got one read. You know, I'm down to like one advertiser now, whatever, I never did this to make money,

I did to make my, I hate my gigs to make money, so whatever, whatever the fuck, I'm not changing my style, okay? These people don't like me fucking bringing up the clan every once in a while during a fucking read. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to be like, like that time Rush decided to jump on the hip hop wagon and make a fucking rap song? Is that what I'm supposed to do?

How did that work out for those guys? You know, somebody was trying to tell me that Neil Peart, the reason that he retires because his body hurts so much from all those years of playing. And that actually really made me sad. And I was thinking like, man, that guy, what he needs to do is just get a fucking really good masseuse. He must have one though, I don't know. You got to get a Jedi level masseuse.

I swear to God, like the woman that I go to right now is working on my calves, which have been glued up for like almost 50 years at this point. I don't know what she's doing, but she just takes like two fingers, right? And just fucking presses against my calves. It feels like I have a ball of hornets in my fucking calf. I wish you guys could see me in this thing. I'm just coming up off the table like a fucking mere kiss, imagine a meerkat that's bald, screaming in pain.

I just go, I'll be like, ah, fucking cocksucker. And I'm not an athlete. We all know this. I do stand up comedy. I can't, now I get why professional athletes, like every week they're sitting in a tub of ice. They're always getting fucking massaged and all of that because their bodies are so goddamn fucked up.

I feel like my body was like, how bad it got was, which is why I have all of these injuries out of nowhere, you know, and I'm now down to one injury. My fucking rotator cuff, which I can't seem to get it to heal because I don't have the fucking patients. And I miss playing drums too much and I just start to sit down and play and then I do something else to fuck it up again. I'm such an idiot. But anyways, I don't know, maybe because I'm a fan or whatever, I just hope that he finds

a really good fucking, like a Jedi level masseuser and a good chiropractor and he takes a couple of years off and then he comes back. But a band, a band, band, band, got a damn. Anyway, speaking of music, a good friend of mine, you know, is there anything, is your friend ever a better friend than when they tell you about a new fucking band that you end up loving? I don't know what the name of the drummer is. I don't know if the name of the band is the name of the guy who's actually the drummer.

I don't know. But there's this band or this guy, Yusef Kamal, and the name of the album is Black Focus. And it's spelled Y-U-S-S-E-F. Kamal is K-A-M-A-A-L, all right? Dude, I gotta tell you, the drumming, the music, first of all, and the band is incredible. But the drumming on this album, the best way to describe it would be like if you could somehow merge like a Quest Love type of player with Tony Williams. It's like that breakbeat fucking James Brown Quest Love type drumming with like that Tony Williams vibe.

He even has like the black dot heads on his toms and has a little bit of that sound. It's fucking incredible. And you gotta listen to the album, isn't it enough? I actually tweeted out a link to like the band playing live and the person, thank God, filming. It was for once just on the drummer from the side. And this guy is like, he's one of those guys that it's just like he's playing from his spirit. You know, he's like in a trance when he's fucking playing.

He's unbelievable. And I went online to see if they were going to be in the States. They seem to be over in Europe right now. But I will cancel a fucking gig to go see that band. That's how good they are. You, Seth Kamal, the name of the album is Black Focus. Check it out if you get a chance. What are we up to here?

Oh, 39 minutes. Oh, look at that. It's Christmas. I'm giving you some extra time here. Bruins, by the way. Bruins, by the way, got a two game win streak, I believe, and there's six and three in the month of December. I finally have a chance to at least watch some of the highlights.

I've been so busy and happy 20th birthday to Charlie McAvoy, who had his first Gordie Howe hat trick the other night. And for those of you who don't watch hockey, a Gordie Howe hat trick is a goal and assist and a fight. He had his first fight. I would love to interview somebody like a Charlie McAvoy, where he's not a goon. But like, I would love to interview them as far as like, because he came up playing hockey. I don't think he played in any league where you could fight.

So this was his first, and he came right straight from BU last year in like March or April and had an immediate impact. So I think I'm wondering if this was his first hockey fight period and like, what is going through your head when you go to drop the gloves, like, and you're fighting on an NHL level. I mean, fighting somebody alone is brutal now because someone's going to have their cell phone camera. But to actually do it on television, I mean, it takes a lot of fucking balls.

I always wondered like, what's going through their head and fighting on skates. It's the only way to learn how to do it is to do it. It's like stand up comedy. Like you could stand in your room and fucking rehearse in front of a mirror, but it's all out the window the second you get on stage. It's not like guitar where you could practice, you know, and rehearse with the band and all of that shit. Even then, it's going to be that extra level of nervousness because now people are watching

you. That's my favorite thing about all of that stuff, like doing any sort of acting in front of a crowd and all of that is just playing, you know, rehearsing with the band and then playing in front of them. I always love that, that rush of, you know, when you look at each other before you start is that like, oh, here it is. All of that work. Now here it is.

Is this, are we going to pull this off or are we going to shit the bed or whatever? And there's always that part that's the difficult part, you know, where you got like a lot of lines or like there's some sort of drum fill. And when you get on the other side of it and you hopefully pulled it off, you're like, oh, it's all downhill. And then you relax and then you fuck up. I don't mean relax in a good way. I should probably say lose focus.

And by the way, that's something that I've been working on with my my drumming is my teacher has been telling me forever. He's just basically to sum up what he says is 15 minutes a day of focused practice. See if I remember this 15 minutes a day of focused practice is better than four hours of ADD playing, which is what I would do. Good times, bad times for a minute. Oh, tower of power, squid cakes. Let me work on that for fucking two minutes.

Let me do this and blah, blah, blah. And you're just all over the fucking map. It'd be literally like if you were trying to learn to speak another language and rather than just trying to learn a phrase or two a day and then sticking with that for a week. So it becomes part of something that you could just pull up immediately. As you think it, you would try to learn like 50 words a day. And then the next day do 50 different words. So I've really been working on them on that.

And and all I've been doing is just like doubles working on just a double stroke roll with accents. And I've been working on that since fucking November. And all of a sudden something clicked. And I'm finally so fucking excited that that I've been able to do that. So if you're out there, man, woman, transgendered person, whatever drummer you are, you know, most creative people have massive levels of fucking ADD. And it's not because you're stupid.

It's not because you lack focus. It's just you have a very creative brain. And you think of something which makes you think of the next idea and the next idea and the next idea. And practicing is not creating. It's working on an idea that you have, if that makes sense. If you just work on that. And I in my 15 minutes, like I'll be playing doubles, right?

And then all of a sudden I'll be like, oh, let's throw some paradigms in and be like, Bill, Bill, back to the doubles. You just have to keep like hitting the reset button. And that alone, like I had to practice how to focus as fucked up as that sounds. But, you know, if you work on it a little bit every day, you know, because I think if I can fucking do it in my lack of musical ability, if musicians who listen to this, if you actually fucking try that on any instrument or whatever I'm telling you, you'll start to see results.

It's fucking awesome that you can actually apply to your playing. It's fucking amazing. So anyways, the Celtics, well, the Bruins today have Winnipeg. And then on Saturday, they have the Red Wings. And then the Celtics have the Bulls that night. All right. Back in the day before I was a dad, I would have gone to both games. A little bingo-bango.

And I'd carry my buzz from the Bruins game right into the Celtics. But I'm a dad now, so I can't fucking do that. So which means I'll watch the game. But I'm going to the Celtics Bulls. I am doing that. Taking a couple of family members there for a little Christmas celebration there. I know it's just the Bulls, but the next time they play is on Christmas Day, and that's not going to work out.

All right. My stomach's growling here. I got to go get something to eat. All right. Merry Christmas to everybody. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa. Happy.

I don't celebrate the holidays to you. Whatever it is. Hey, you made it. You made it through 2017. 2018 is going to be even better for you. All right. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend, you cunts.

And I will talk to you on Monday, hopefully, about another Patriot victory over the Buffalo Bills. All right. See you. All the lies you're telling. Tell me you can tell again. My love, at least, I lost it to you. So many things to do.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it is the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, December 21st, 2009. What's going on? How the hell are you? How were you last week? Did you miss me? I actually was surprised.

The amount of emails I got were people like, do what happened? Did you fucking die? Just making sure you were all right, you know? Fucking Brittany Murphy died, you know? Did you die? I felt really bad about that, you know? Even though I never saw any of her movies.

But, you know, I felt as bad as you feel when somebody you don't know dies, you know? I hate when people try to get like, when they get overly sad about somebody famous dying, because, you know, you never met them. And then they try to use it as an excuse to get out of working. No, you don't understand.

I used to watch Clueless with my mother. We watch it like every day. I just, I can't function right now. Shut up, you fucking lazy twat. Go in there and do your end of the year bullshit so we can get home at the fucking Christmas party. You know? You didn't know her.

Okay, you didn't know her. I didn't know her. Nobody knows her. Well, people know her, but nobody we know. You fucking idiot, just do your fucking job. Wow, little intense there. Basically, I didn't do a special last week because I was under the weather.

And as you can tell, I'm still getting over it. I have the, I think I have this wine flu. You know, a little of that, a little of that going on. I just ate a Christmas cookie. I made a Christmas cookie. Did you make a Christmas cookie, you fucking fag? Yes, I did. I keep the holiday traditions alive in my house.

You know, I don't go home for the holidays anymore. And you know what? I bet a lot of you are wishing you don't if you're stuck in an airport. And if you are, I feel for you because I've been there. And what you're going through right now is the exact fucking reason that I don't go home for the holidays, other than the fact

I had to get on with my life here. Is I'm telling you, you go anywhere where it even remotes, remotely has a snowflake. And the day you're going to travel, God knows there's going to be four inches of fucking snow. And the weathermen are going to act like it's going to be 40 feet of snow. You know, that's one thing I've noticed in my lifetime

where somehow weather has become like an action movie. You know, and they cast my girlfriend leaving, closing the squeaky door. No concern for the recording. You know, bruh, they're going to do what they want to do, you know. So anyways, yeah, but back in the day, there was four inches of snow. That was it.

It was it's going to snow on Thursday. It wasn't like, oh my God, it's four inches of fucking snow. And they always fucking scare the shit out of old people, right? And they fucking, you know, those idiots. It's like four inches of snow and people are going down on the supermarket like buying provisions, you know, gunpowder and bread and shit. It's like it's four inches of fucking snow.

You know, what is the worst case scenario scenario, right? What is it? Four inches of snow, even for a little old lady, is up to your ankles. Okay, if you have a problem, people can get to you. You know, even if there was a foot of snow, which is a lot of fucking snow. Okay, and let's just say you didn't have any food.

You can still just take a handful of fucking snow, stick it in the glass, let it melt, and then let it cool down so you don't get a fucking snow cone headache. And then you have water and you can live for a long time on just water. It's only a foot of snow. These fucking assholes, they scare the shit out of people. So I don't know what this has to do with people being stranded in an airport.

All I can say is I'm so psyched, I'm not one of those people. But anyways, getting back to me. Last week I did my latest stand-up special, Let It Go, and I did it at the Fillmore in San Francisco, the original Fillmore. And right now you should be going, well, what do you mean the original Fillmore? What is that me?

I thought that that was the Fillmore West, but evidently it isn't. It's the Fillmore Auditorium, where I think they were there from like, I don't know, 65 to 68. And then 68 they moved down to Market Street, and that became the Fillmore West. That's where Zeppelin and I think the Who and all those guys played. So I was a little disappointed when I played the Fillmore

and realized that when I went into the green room bathroom, I wasn't actually urinating in a place where John Bonham took a shit. I was a little disappointed with that. But my girlfriend is wearing some sort of fur vest. What is that? What old lady died and then you bought that? Is that like a state jury, except it's a vest? Does that make any sense?

Your little Cruella de Vil ensemble? You dress very sensibly. I can see why you put on, then you put on the little fur thing to add a little edge to you. So people be like, you know, you didn't want to be plain Jane during the holidays? No, I hate those fucking shoes with a passion. If you always, if you have a,

if you wore those shoes on the first date, they never would have been a second date. Really? You think they added, those things are fucking, she's got these Bruce, shut up, she's got these Bruce Lee karate fucking flats. They're ballet flats. They're horrible. Say it, they're ballet flats.

They're ballet flats. Thank you. Well, what did that prove? The females wouldn't know what I'm talking about. Yeah, ladies. All right, get out of here. Doesn't everybody just have, you know, your girlfriend has that pair of shoes.

You just fucking hate her comfortable shoes. These are so, I like them, they're comfortable. You know, I swear to God, and she left, you know, it's fucking unbelievable is, you know, what's funny is when you hook up, you ever hook up with a short girl, you know, and you see her in a, you see her in the club, right? And you dancing, right?

Don't worry, I'm going to get to Jersey Shore. And you got like the, oh, let's talk about that right now. Let's talk about that little snooki girl. Okay. Let's just, let's just say she didn't have fucking triple F titties. Let's just say she didn't have those,

and she was more proportioned. I'm actually convinced that she actually doesn't have a torso. She just has ass and titties, and the ass is at the same level as her titties. Whatever, you know, the short girls, and they wear like those four inch fucking heels, and it just makes them, their legs look unbelievable.

And you know, I swear to God, you have to bang them in those shoes, because when they, you get them out of the shoes, you just, it's like, they become like this little dwarf all of a sudden, and they're walking around, and they have that little thong on, and you just, it just, it's fucking weird, you know?

So what I'm saying is, is, you know, you meet a girl and you go out with them, why don't they dress up, and then they're looking at their shoes, okay? And they're like, which shoes am I going to wear? I got to look sexy, but I, I can't make it look like, you know, every time I see a dick,

I'm diving on it like a war hero, dives on a fucking live grenade, you know? Ah, that's a fucking great image. Just diving on a fucking cook. Oh, you filthy horse. So they leave those shoes, they leave those, I'm getting over my boyfriend's shoes at home, right?

Um, the Kim Kattrells, they leave those at home, and the, but they, they, they, they definitely, you know, they definitely sex the fucking thing up, so whatever, then they get you, you know, you fall for them, whatever, then your relationship, and then there's that one fucking day where they feel comfortable enough to wear their little comfortable shoes,

and they're just, you know, toes, and fucking, and heel are just on the same, they're just, they're flats, they wear their fucking flats, and their little stretch pants, and all of a sudden, it's like, you're walking around with like this soccer mom, and it's like, what happened to the fucking hottie,

you know, that I saw at work, right? At work, listen to me, I sound like Seinfeld, what's the deal with your comfortable shoes? Why aren't you dressed like a whore? Um, yeah, so those are hers. She wears ballet flats, and I swear to God, you know, I know I bring up the leg sweep a lot, but every time I see him, I just, you know,

you ever been like in a store with your girlfriend, and she's just annoying you, and you just start having this, like, this fantasy of like, what if I just walked away? Right? Like seriously, what if I just walked away, like, for good? Like if it, what if it was that easy

to get out of a fucking relationship? You know, there wasn't a talk, there wasn't like the whole, yeah, you know, I'm just not you, it's me, I'm just, I'm not happy. I'm not happy, and it's not fair for you, for me to still be in this thing, when you should be out there, and you should be with a guy who, you know,

is gonna give you all those emotional things that I can't, and I don't know why it is, but I need to go figure it out. And this is very painful for me to do, I have a lot of guilt, and uh, well, he's been feeling this way. For the last three minutes, you know, you can't, you can never say like,

probably since the second date, but you know, you were fucking me good, so I stuck around, and here it is, eight months later. And I've always hated this couch, so. Sorry, gotta take it right there. You know, I wanna be great if you just, you just fucking walk away. I've always been envious of those people

who like abandoned their families. Not that they do that, that's like a terrible thing to do, but like, I wanna feel that euphoria. At some point in my life, can you imagine how fucking unhappy you are as a man, that you have a wife and children, and you are so miserable that you're actually contemplating

just walking away from it all, you know? Okay, but it's like a fantasy. You're not gonna, you're like, I can't, I got kids, I can't fucking do that. I can't be that fucking piece of shit, like in a blue song, you go out to get cigarettes, and you never come back again.

But the guys who actually fucking do it, I know there's a loneliness, I know there's a guilt, but that feeling, right? As you're standing in the doorway to your kitchen on the way to your back door, you know, and she's just sitting there giving you shit, or whatever the fuck it is that she's just, she's eating that English muffin the way she eats it,

and the side of her fucking temples are going in and out, and you just can't stand it. She's doing that thing the way she clears her throat. Right? And you're like, just going like, hey, honey, I'm gonna go return this video, okay? She's like, all right. And you're like, absolutely, you know?

And then you get in the car, you already got your fucking bag of clothes in there or some shit. I mean, as you're driving out the, I mean, you just must be like, what song do you fucking listen to? What is this soundtrack? Has anybody ever abandoned a family? Any listeners?

What song were you listening to on your iPod when you turned the fucking corner? You know? You gotta feel like Tim Robbins when he comes up out of that fucking sewer water. You know? And I'm sure you have your fantasy that you're gonna be sitting there on a beach

building a building a building a boat, you know? With some tan tiddied hottie that you met on fucking Facebook, right? And just when you think she's gonna find you and you're gonna have to pay child support, you look up who is it? It's fucking Morgan Freeman

in a little reservoir dog suit with a fucking Bing Crosby hat, right? I know that's what you fantasize about, but then you end up in a fucking Motel 6. We won't go there, but I would love to feel that fucking euphoria. You know? I felt it a few times when I skipped school.

I would be driving on the way to school and all of a sudden I just think, you know what? I don't feel like going today. And I would keep going and just with no power whatsoever that I could control my emotions. I would just break into an ear-to-ear grin.

And I would just go to a fucking movie, you know? I used to do it by myself. I'd skip school by myself. I came in with the fuck I do. I'd drive around. I would drive out to fucking... I'd go look at the fucking... This is what a nerd I was.

I'd go out and I'd go look at Sullivan Stadium where the Patriots used to play. I'd just go look at it, you know? Go out, go get a fucking breakfast at like the IHOP. Just thinking I'd be in math class right now. I'm eating pancakes and I should be listening to some guy talking about first, outside, inside, last, right?

I don't even know how the fuck I got on this subject. We were talking about shoes. We were talking about shoes. So anyways, you're probably wondering, Bill, how did the taping go? Well, if you can't hear the fucking joy in my voice, I can't help you. It was awesome.

The first show went fucking great. And then the second show was just... It was over the top. And like I said, it was at the Fillmore, absolutely legendary place. They had all these... They have all the posters from all the bands that have played there.

You know, recently they have that room and then they have the classic room where they literally had posters, like a Pink Floyd poster that said, it said, from England, Pink Floyd. It just gave me chills to read it. Like they were... Like Pink Floyd was that new

that they needed some... They needed like a hook to get people to go see him. And the hook was that they were from England, you know, because the whole, you know, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones at that point. And I think the who it was. I think the who had already been here by that point. I don't know what, but like, you know,

the whole British evasion had happened. So they had this, you know, Pink fucking Floyd from England. They're from England, guys. I think you ought to give them a chance. They're called Pink Floyd. I know it's a weird name. They had all those kinds of posters.

They had a poster there for Lenny Bruce. I found out he did his last performances were right there. And it just gave me goosebumps. And it was great. The first show went great. I was sweating a little bit because I had taken this fucking day quill and the combination of that and the spotlight.

So it got to the point about, you know, two thirds of the way through my set, you know, you know, I had to fucking towel myself off like I was playing racquetball. So, yeah, anything past that, I'm not going to use that. You know, I'm not going to be able to because the second one went off without a hitch. I didn't take any cold medication and I just, you know,

I already knew I had a great taping. And then the second one, I just went off. And I literally felt like I was standing in a comedy club and I was going through 10 to 15 minute chunks where I wasn't even aware. I wasn't even thinking that I was taping a special. You know, I definitely knew I was, but I wasn't like thinking about that.

There were cameras there. I was just focusing on what I was saying. I kind of learned this trick, how to trick my head into doing that, which is basically I improv a little bit up front, which saps me into the presence, the present, you know, as opposed to being in a robot mode. So anyways, it was fucking unbelievable.

They made me a poster. So my poster is actually going to be hanging there. I don't know how long they'll hang it there because, you know, it's one of those deals. They revolve them around and who the fuck am I? But for a moment, it's going to be hanging there. And I don't know, my parents came out, they stuck out, all my friends and family and this VIP.

You know, like the old guys on the Muppets, it was something like that in the back of the room and the whole time we're just sticking there. Like Bill Graham probably stood there the first time he watched Jimi Hendrix. It was fucking unbelievable. It was unbelievable. And I actually, I don't know,

I was beyond psyched at the end of it. And then the second it ended, I finally fucking relaxed a little bit and then that's when the sickness that had been trying to get me just completely took over. But I didn't give a fuck at that point and I battled it with some alcohol, but whatever. I want to thank everybody who came out to my tapings. It was, it's something that I will never ever forget

to perform in a venue that legendary. It was very humbling. And I'm so psyched that I had, I don't know, I want to say I think I had the best performance I've had for TV taping up to this point in my career. And it was awesome. And I want to thank everybody who went, including this guy, who sent me an email after the, after the taping

under the title of lackluster. And this guy who has earned douchebag of the week. Yes, everybody. This is one of these things where you just can't please everybody. And, you know, what kind of a cunt would send somebody an email like this, you know, lackluster. This is the beauty of the internet that I really find. I think the internet is fucking hilarious how

just any random shithead, you know, I don't know if it's just me because I pretty much read all my emails, but like, you know, if you got something bad to tell me this, you know, you got a 90% chance I'm going to fucking read it. I just think that's funny because back in the day, you know, I used to watch TV and I'd be watching people go, this guy isn't fucking funny or this guy sucks. Why does he keep doing movies?

But I, but it was just to the TV or to the guy sitting next to me. I couldn't actually get it to the person. So, you know, how about that for technology? So this is what the guy writes. He writes, Bill, to be honest, I was disappointed at your Fillmore show. I am a big fan, but I am also a realist. I don't even know what that means.

I guess that means he was expecting something big, but I didn't deliver and I have to be honest with you, Bill. You didn't deliver. I mean, what a cunt, right? He goes, first off, I was very disappointing, very disappointed at the recording of audience applause and laughter. I thought it was the opening guys last bit. I was the asshole that booed laughter and applause tracks are weak.

What he's saying is right before they brought me on the opening act said, okay, we need you guys to do us a favor. Okay, I'm going to count to three. And when I count to three, I want you guys just everybody laugh like you just heard something that was kind of funny. And then one, two, three in the crowd is like, whatever, right? And they go, okay, that was great. That was great.

All right, now this time I want you to laugh a little bit more like it, like that was, that was really funny. And they laugh a little bit louder. And then they go, okay, that was great. Now the third time I want you guys to laugh, like this is the funniest thing you've ever heard. One, two, three and everybody, why is he going crazy? So this guy booze and he says, you know,

audience applause tracks and laughter are weak. You know, sir, this is why you are douchebag of the week. Because what you did was you assumed that we were recording those in an effort just in case I bombed that we were then going to use those to drop in laughter. What we were actually doing, sir, was we were testing the levels of the audience. And we wanted to make sure that we were going to be able to capture anything that the audience did, that if they found something mildly funny, that the mics would be up enough where they would pick it up.

But they wouldn't be up so much that if people went crazy, what happens is if, oh, if it like overloads, I don't know what the technical thing is. The microphone shuts off basically when it red lines. It's almost like a car or something like it seizes up. It just stops. So what you have to do before you go out there is you have to make sure that you have your mics at the right level.

And you do it with every crowd because every crowd is different. It's a different group of people. There's a different energy. And what you're trying to do is you got to capture that live sound of the room. So what we were doing there, sir, was we were basically doing an audience like a sound check. Like, you know, when the artist comes out, he's like, two, two, test. One, two, hey, hey, yo, you know, all that shit that they do.

And what you're supposed to do is also be, you know, bringing your voice up loud, going away from the Michael Elizabeth. There's a way to do it or whatever. They were basically doing that for you because they had already done a sound check for me. So that's what they were doing. You fucking moron. All right. And I understand that you're not in this business.

So you shouldn't know what that is. But, you know, there was plenty of people standing around from the crew that you could have asked before you left, before you went on Facebook and fucking trash me. Like, I'm trying to get, you know, that would be almost like I lip synced my act. So that's not what was happening, sir. All right. You fucking douchebag.

Jesus. I mean, maybe that's on us. Next special, I'm going to make sure the opener says, look, and we're not going to use these. What we're doing is we're basically doing a sound check. And plus, if this guy had half a brain, he would have listened to the laughter because most people were not laughing. What they would do was they were going,

you know, and then the funniest thing ever, they were screaming. So it didn't, the audio wouldn't have sounded like I told a joke, or what it sounded like some drunk jumped up on stage and was about to take his dick out. That's what the crowd sounded like. So I was actually backstage laughing when I was listening to it. So there you go, sir. That's, that's what was going on.

And then he also goes on to say that he just recently hit, he saw my last show at the punchline and that he was disappointed that when he went to go to the DVD recording that he barely heard any new material. So he was basically mad that he saw me getting ready for my special. And then when he went to go see my special, that the jokes that I was working on during the night that he saw me were the same jokes. This guy is such a fucking moron on so many levels. It's like, you can't go out and wing a special, sir.

You can't do it. Comics have tried it. I've seen comics go out with a legal pad and some ideas written down there. And you'll have moments where you're riffing and it's going great. But there's a reason why you don't do that. All right, you got to have the act. Okay. To improv.

Even like these fucking improv people who are in these improv groups and they try to act like the whole fucking thing they do. Oh, it's all off the top of their head. The fucking audience suggests shit. You know when it's really just off the top of your head, the first fucking time you do it. Because the more you do those, because I used to watch this improv group every week, they used to come down and laugh at you.

The first time I saw it, I was like, wow, man, it's fucking amazing. But you start watching it after a while and you're like, oh, that guy always does this, this person always does that. And, you know, and then there's also repeat suggestions. Give me a job. And it's a job you've heard before. You know, I'm not shitting on those guys, but you know, it's one of those deals. So that's the deal, sir.

That's why you heard the same material. And that's why you heard, and that's why we were doing the applause tracks. Okay. So I am not, I don't know what to tell you do, but you know, that's really fucking annoying that you that you that, you know, to have to read a fucking email like that. I'm one of the best nights in my fucking career to have. But I mean, that's that's power for the fucking course.

What are you gonna do? You know, what are you gonna fucking do? So there you go. This douchebag of the week. I'm trying to do more of these, my old little standards here, whatever you want to call them, the different topics here. Because somebody actually sent me an email saying, you know, you never do any of your topics anymore.

And I think the person was right. So I'm trying to get back to that shit. So let's read a couple more emails here. This one's going to be a little bit short because I haven't done any fucking Christmas shopping because I've been getting ready to do my special. Anyways, Bill. Now, here's an email that I got from somebody. And this really amazed me.

This mindset amazes me. And I understand that I am not a doctor and that I am not a scientist. So I really can't medically defend my positioning other than I just think I'm right on this one. All right. All right, Bill, I don't know if you'll actually do a subject for this. But I've gotten a ton into a ton of arguments with friends slash strangers about how now it's being said that homosexuals are born homosexuals.

They're saying it's like a gene. Personally, I think it's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. And to me, it seems like a big excuse. So the world will leave the gay community alone. I didn't know the world was was bugging them. I've been leaving the gay community alone my entire life. Ah, that's not true. I laughed.

It's a lot of homophobic shit when I was younger, you know. All right, hang on a second. Fuck. Anyways, personally, if you want a dick in your ass, by all means, get her done. There's a major red flag. Ah, people are still saying that. You know, you got a dream in life. Keep on trucking.

Whoop, there it is. Just think it's a choice. Anyways, I just think it's a choice and you choose to be a flamer. If you want to get tactical, then how dumb would it be to say, yeah, dude, fucking Michael Jordan had a gene in his body and he was born out of the vag to be a basketball player. I think it's absolute bullshit. And if you're gay, who gives a fuck about what the world thinks,

just do what you want and screw everybody, right? And they're also saying being gay is the new black. Who are these people who are saying this? Are they saying this on TV? That sounds like a fashion show. Next up, gay is the new black. Oh, yeah, motherfuckers. I'm sorry, but comparing homosexuals to African-Americans seems like the biggest

slap in the face to the black community. This guy's really big on saying community and giving backhanded compliments. Anyway, I'm a moron and if you, what's your opinion on the subject? Yeah, I would agree with you. You are a moron and no, I think gay people are born that way. And yes, I think Michael Jordan was, Michael Jordan was born with a gift. Do you think you can just practice, you know, no matter how hard I practiced to fucking, I could never take off from the file line, dunk a basketball.

I could never change the game. He changed the fucking game. He was born with a gift. Yes, he was. I don't think that that's a, that's a, that's a good example though, because you're talking about something more like that was a gift. Well, you should have used this as an example. That's like saying you were, you came, you, you were born just to like pussy, you know?

What was the big turning point in your life, sir, where there was a dick on the table and a vagina? Do you remember? Like, what was it that made you finally make the decision that you were going to like women? Think about it. There never really was a choice, was there? You just did. It was just natural within you. And someone could have made you wear a fucking dress, you know, your whole fucking child,

and you'd still want to bang JLo because that's how you're wired, all right? So, you know, get your head out of your ass, you fucking moron. You're a moron, you're a moron, all right? I actually went back and forth text messaging and then he brought up the Bible. How it says that in the fucking Bible, you just, you know, goddamn Bible, I swear to God, I can't get over how stupid most people are who read the fucking Bible where they're reading this stuff and it's supposed to make them this more, I don't know what, holier person. And all it does, it just creates this fucking resentment to other people and everything they

fucking end up doing is like, they just are lashing out at other people and it's just like, are lashing out at other people and it's just like, how do they not see the fucking irony in that? It doesn't even make any sense and how do you not understand that God didn't write that book and God wasn't yelling down from, you know, and the second commandment is, you know, he wasn't doing that. All right, the 10 commandments, first of all, came from people, all right? This is ridiculous how I'm saying this, like I know this for a fact, but I don't know, I think, I think all of that, I think morality, unless you're born a sociopath,

morality is within you. And I think your feelings of a higher power and afterlife, all of that are within you. And that natural feeling of when you do something good, you feel and when you do something bad, you feel bad is, that to me is the higher power. I don't need to go into a frigging church or any of that, okay? I believe in all that meditating. I believe in a lot of stuff, but I also believe that the same way you guys could be going like, dude, what is this based in? You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. But neither have the people in the church. They don't know either. They've never died. They don't know what the fuck, it's all a fucking guess. But all I know

is that, you know, I'm not going to walk around starting to fucking hate people because some fucking book that some guy wrote, you know, thousands of years, it's stupid. It's fucking stupid. All right? You don't know what you're talking about, sir. The same way you naturally like, okay, if being gay was a choice, then being heterosexual would be a choice. And at some point in your life, you got to tell me when you made that choice, when you were sitting there, you know, when you were looking at Tommy and you were looking at Stephanie and you're like, ah, how am I going to play this? Oh, am I going to fucking play this? You know? Think about it. There's that time when you're a

little kid, whereas a boy, girls are gross. You're like, ah, they're gross and they touch you and then you got fucking germs and then you fucking wipe it off. You try to touch somebody else with it. Remember that, that dumb shit? But during that point, because you're finding them repulsive, you're not looking at your best buddy going, oh, and I love to get him in the tree for it. You know, you just go play football. Then gradually get a little bit older, right? The girls get a little more physically attractive. You start looking at their fucking clams and then you're in there and you spend the rest of your life chasing it. And it's totally, completely 100% natural. And that's, you just flip around. That's what gay guys do. It's the same fucking thing.

It's not a, you're just born that way. Stop being a fucking hateful cunt. All right. There we go. That was very we all the world, isn't it? Look at me being all fucking accepting of people. I don't hate like, like people like that. Like if a gay guy fucking is in front of me and he doesn't pull all the way out in the fucking intersection, you know, so I can make the light to, you know, that's when I hate the guy, you know, fucking pull all the way out there, you fucking cock sucker. What it has to do with his driving, not with his sexual preference. All right, let's plow ahead here. All right, broads. This is the next topic. I need to include myself into the manipulative discussion by mentioning, I think he's talking about women here, mentioning the

occurrences of female friends who seem to think you should do what a boyfriend would do, even though you're not and never will be their boyfriend. My story is this. I recently reconnected with a girl on Facebook that I basically just knew, I knew of in high school and maybe had three conversations with in the whole four year run. All right, he recently connected with her. In other words, he wanted to banger back in the day, but he either felt he was too much of a loser or yeah, I recently reconnected. You just seeked her out. I wonder what she's doing. Does she still look good? God damn, even better. She's 28. She probably knows how to suck a dick now. I think I'm going to reconnect. Good move, sir. Good move. She likes cool music and I like cool

music so we could connect on various videos. We posted, et cetera, working your way in virally. I like this. She was coming to New York where I live. Perfect from our hometown for Thanksgiving since her brother lives in Brooklyn. Now I was friends with her brother, so I thought it would be cool to hang out with them at a bar. Now it's getting a little weird. You're friends with her brother and you're trying to bang her sister. I'm really super imposing my thoughts. Why don't I shut the fuck up and just read this? Okay, here we go. Everything went fine. We had our drinks caught up on what we could catch up on and I thought that should be it besides email left out some words and I thought that should, I don't know, some bullshit Facebook word. However,

some band is playing in New York and she wants to go. I think the band is fine but I'm not a real big fan. All right, I know I just couldn't read that last, the previous sentence so basically she wants to go see a band that he's not really into. She seems to have her head that since I happened to live in New York and I guess she has no one else to go see the bandwidth that I should automatically want to go with her to see a band I don't want to see with someone who is a friend in only the loosest of terms. I said I would pass and then that produced a flurry of passive aggressive emails the intent of which makes me feel like I rejected her. Of course that wasn't it but also what would it matter? I barely know her. Any reasonable person would suggest the idea

and if the idea isn't accepted would move on but she can't possibly go by herself so she's trying to manipulate me with self pity. She just doesn't want to be alone. She doesn't want to be alone. My company or someone else's would make no difference so I finally so I find it all very insulting to my intelligence that she's trying to make me think this is a connection only we share. I made it clear I'm not going to the show. Anyways I've shared this with my friends and apparently that is widespread. I just find it is getting out of control when a female in our lives that is not in our family expects to be treated with the same considerations as a romantic connection in which we obviously have to do shit we really don't want to do. Alright okay I see

what you're saying here but I think part of her probably wants to hook up with you so that's probably why she was feeling rejected a little bit but what I would do in that thing but nah you know I'm really not feeling that but listen I know this cool bar you know up the street maybe we could go do this blah blah blah see how that feels uh I don't know maybe you did that I don't know I don't know but yeah that would be annoying because you know if she wanted to go fucking see it I don't know I don't know how I don't know how to uh how to answer this one here. Think I might have fucking missed the boat on this one. Dude you shouldn't have to go to you know look you know what you

gotta do I'll tell you if you guys want to see a great example of how to fucking handle women I swear to god watch the jersey sure okay I know you're rolling your eyes right now and as much as people are laughing at that kid who's like you know it takes me 25 minutes to do my hair oh my god I said not to touch it and then you touched it oh that fucking dude who who has the Travis Barker Cadillac tattoo um that fucking dude if you watch the episode where Snooki gets blasted in the face that dude understands exactly how to hook up with women and how not to get into a fucking relationship and then also how not to give a fuck if they get mad he I'm telling you like I'm looking at that guy going this fucking guy possesses the knowledge of women that I it

took me 41 years to figure out and he knows it at 20 and he's in his peak physical conditions guy he's a fucking kid's my hero when that dude uh uh the situation I was gonna say the suggestion when he fucking comes back with the two girls right and one of them's a mess and the other one's hot and he's a fucking wingman for him and he's hanging in there and he's hanging in there and then it gets to the point where the other where the situation is not going to hook up and he taps out and he's it goes look you know the deal you meet him you bring him back get him a drink get him in the hot tub and then hook up with them you know that's the deal if you can't fucking do it I'm out and he just was totally fucking I'm telling you he he has he has it down so what you got to do

with this girl's something like that is the girl's coming around she's saying I want to go see this band just don't ever get upset and just be a little I'm not fucking into it and then walk away and don't even let it like consume your life to the point where you actually go out and you talk to your friends about it because you just waste an energy you should be out there talking to some other girl there you go fuck that girl fuck her and fuck her fucking concert you did the right goddamn thing um by the way let me get to the questions for this week because somebody I might as well do that because this will actually make it flow a little more because somebody uh somebody said okay but I want to know your thoughts on the prick that decked

snooki at the end of last week's episode but uh I also have to get your take on Mike aka the situation and his buddy's attempts to get laid hilarious uh dude his buddy is getting all the fucking ass on the planet Mike the situation I don't know he he's not a closer he's really good at getting the appointments but he's not a fucking closer and uh he's he's like he wants to be the other dude but he's not the other dude he's got it down every time he goes out the club he's making out with some girl he's grabbing her fucking titties they're bringing girls back they see him on the street the guy I'm telling you the guy is a fucking you know I I don't even think I have game like that now even if I could go back all the shit I know now if I went back I wouldn't be as

good that fucking kid he's the shit that kid's a shit Mike the situation the situation Mike is you can't close the fucking deal and as far as the dude who punched deck snooki that was it was brutal I know I made fun of that girl with the leg sweep she fell down she was like oh my god and it was funny that girl snooki was like was sobbing I felt horrible I felt really bad for her and that guy is a fucking animal who um they should treat him like a pit bull they should you know pit bull bite somebody to take him down the fucking street and they put him out of his misery that's what they should do with that guy they should take him they should literally take him to an animal shelter too not even a place for humans and just you know lay him on the table

I have a muzzle on his face I like how he tried to I forget the guy's name but like say whatever his name is Mike Johnson or something he's like you know that's not the way I was raised what you saw in that video is not the real Mike Johnson yeah it is it is that is you that is you that is you when you're drunk I'm sorry that's you that's a that's a part of you you fucking asshole I like those people they try to blame the alcohol like if they say something racist or they fucking blast some girl in the face and then try that's not the real me you know I got this problem I drink alcohol and I become this different person fuck you now you don't you don't you know a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts it's one of the greatest fucking quotes ever you don't become somebody

else you know maybe you're you're you're you have a short of fucking temper but there's no fucking way that guy's never punched a girl in the face ever he wasn't even that drunk it wasn't like he was falling down drunk I think when she called him ugly I think that really touched in on some childhood shit because the dude is ugly and you know he lifted a bunch of weights trying to be like no don't look at the face look down here this looks good right I think she tapped in on some shit but that was the classic situation of a woman just not feeling like she's ever going to get hit because I would never stand up on a bar stool I mean talk about a horrible way to begin to fight I'm going to stand up on a bar stool with my feet you know instead you know that little

thing so your feet don't dangle you know that part of the bar stool she was standing on that and then she leans over and I'm gonna lead with my chin hey you ugly motherfucker you know oh terrible move on her part he just fucking it was a straight left if I remember correctly you guys ever watch when we were kings and Ali was hitting uh George Foreman with the straight right the one punch he wasn't ready for he was doing it as a southpaw oh man he that was that was like lose some fillings that was like blunt I thought it was horrible I didn't think it was funny at all and uh that guy should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law and uh he shouldn't put the guy down but you know what she's doing he should have him out in the backyard you know like you do

with those dogs where you have him on that wire and you have the leash attached to it you know and then ugly girls I'm not ugly girls girls should be yelling over the fence telling them how they're ugly and you're your motherfucking and as he runs the leash just fucking yanks his neck his feet go flying off from underneath him he should do that for a month um yeah so there you go all right next question uh bill I just started listening to uh your podcast and was one oh this is a great question I was wondering if you ever look at a funeral procession if you ever look at funeral processions I try and catch someone in the cars that don't care about the dead guy in front of them in the hearse and notice that the car uh and try to notice that car full of people laughing do you ever do

this uh and when are you coming back to the Boston area uh well I'm just booking my 2010 now so I'll be coming back next year at some point um absolutely I always do that there's always a uh um what is that morbid curiosity to try to figure out which car has the people who are directly related who gives the fuck the most yeah and as a funeral procession goes down and down and down and down it starts becoming third cousins of someone who worked with the guy back in the 60s yeah by the time you get to the back yeah there's like people watching dvds and the headrests you know drinking margaritas I definitely do that shit um and I'm glad you asked that question because I really thought I was the only fucking person who doesn't um all right I gotta wrap up this

podcast here it's gonna be a little quick people just no it isn't 46 minutes in look at me look at fucking me let me read a couple things here here's a here's a quote I read somebody sent to me about the press listen to this shit is a little conspiracy kind of shit uh John Swinton the former chief of staff for the New York Times was asked to give a toast to the independent press before the New York press club um it is obvious that he believed that the con concept of an independent press was a farce that he no longer wished to be a party to the following is reported to be a quote from his monumentally revealing toast um all right so this is basically a reported quote no one can even confirm this gotta love the internet this is what the guy says about the

independent press uh there is no such thing at this date uh of the world's history in America uh of an independent press you know it and I know it there's not one of you who dares to write your honest opinions and if you did you know beforehand that it would never appear in print I am paid weekly for keeping my honest opinion out of the out of the paper others of you are paid similar salaries of similar things for similar things and any of you who would be so foolish as to write your honest honest opinions would be out on the streets looking for another job if I was a if if I allowed my honest opinions to appear in one issue of the paper before 24 hours my occupation would be gone the business of journalism is to destroy the truth to lie outright to pervert

to vilify to fawn and at the feet of mammond I don't know what the fuck that means and to sell this country and his race for his daily bread you know it and I know it what folly this is toasting to an independent independent press we are the tools and vassal of rich people of rich men you know what that was supposed to say vessel behind the scenes we are jumping jacks they pull the strings and we dance our talents our possibilities and our lives are all the property of other men we are intellectual prostitutes you know can't you just see michael douglas giving that speech in one final effort to win an oscar in some melodramatic movie that oprah would fucking recommend you have to see this movie it's so important excuse me i'm gonna eat another

glazed pork chop um all right that might that i think that might be the podcast this week i'm trying to get to one other thing here once again i want to thank everybody who came out to my special i'm so fucking proud of it i really really think i got a good one and um i'm trying to chill out i'm chilling out i'm actually taking a vacation here until january 15th that's how fucking long i'm off i went to stub hub i got my rosebowl tickets me and joe bartnick are going again this year i got a little place out here i know i can get a couple and you know what's a couple of stogies of the uh desi arnes variety if you know what i mean and uh you know the ducks versus the bucks i'm gonna go see that shit i'm actually toying with maybe going to the bcs game but they want

so much fucking money but uh it's right up the fucking street how do you not go so uh you should be asking yourself bill what are you gonna be doing during the break absolutely fucking nothing gonna get over this cough i'm gonna try to uh work out a little bit and uh i've been playing my guitar i have a new guitar hero uh dwayne allman you know i used to listen to the allman brothers and shit when it came on the radio and i used to work in a warehouse just back in the day but i didn't have an appreciation to what i was listening to and dwayne allman and dicky betts have become uh like i am downloading everything they've ever been on and uh and i'm now totally fascinated with the fact that dwayne allman used to it sounds like he would just show up at studios

and play on other people's albums and not even be credited so they were actually saying like you don't even really know you know how much work that the guy did i don't know he just fucking seemed like he loved playing you know what's amazing about dwayne allman is you look at the guy he looks like he's fucking 37 years old i don't know what it was about people back in the day they just looked old you know i mean it probably doesn't do that's the guy from truth and salvage company that's the fucking beard mustache he has i was saying ulysses s grand it's via dwayne allman it's that fucking elvis presley mutton chop thing and right as it goes to your chin where it would be this big grizzly adam beard you just hook it right up it makes a u turn right around your mouth like

it's it's then gonna go around and go back up your same cheekbone but it doesn't it goes it's like almost like it pulls into the gas station underneath your nose and then goes right back up it goes right up to your other ear um i was with someone yesterday i want to go i want to go buy that live at the philmore east album uh on record and uh and i was going look at look at that guy that's dwayne allman i got hold these niggas and he's like i don't know mid 30s i'm like the guy died at fucking 24 i think maybe he was almost 25 but uh anyways there's a clip actually on youtube if you want to see it look up the allman brothers i i can't remember the uh oh wait a minute i hang on a second i gotta get you i gotta get you this there's one where they they play on the tonight show

where it's still johnny carson and you want to have an unbelievable musicians first of all the tonight show band with doc saverson's and in all of those guys unbelievable players so they come out and the allman brothers play one of their you know their blues rock things absolutely rip it up and then you know they play for like five minutes and then when they're done johnny's like all right we're gonna do something a little different doc's gonna come out and play with the band then they did like this tribute to charlie parker like this jazz thing and they just they were right there with doc and all those all the fucking tonight show guys it was it was unbelievable so um just look up the allman brothers tonight show

fuck sorry but if you're not into that and you want to watch bill graham yell at somebody i got i gotta bring this up for you i'm sorry man hang on a second it's uh you just search uh philmore last days let me see if i can find it here you go oh yeah all right just search philmore the last days search this and me and my girlfriend always make fun of how like hippies talked in the 60s the way they said man they say it was almost like my an like hey me and i'm not trying to get hassled me in so basically this this fucking video it's bill graham getting ready to do the last show at the philmore west the one down on market street and he decided that he was going to have all just san francisco bands and uh so this guy comes in he's a member

of this band that doesn't get to be put on the bill and he's upset with bill graham and he's he's trying to get on the fucking show and bill graham won't put them on and they end up having this fucking argument let me see if i can get to it here of course they're not going to show it and he's just like you know man it's like i can dig it man it's just like you know i mean we're selling more tickets than they are man and it's just like you know i mean it's just like far out man and it ends up escalating to the point and bill graham's being like totally legitimate he goes well you should just respect that i'm being honest with you man to man and it really escalates to the point where bill graham is not budging and this guy has no other argument and he makes the worst

fucking decision he can make which is basically he tells bill graham to go fuck himself not knowing that bill graham evidently had a big time temper had fought in korea and is an absolute psycho if you just want to watch bill graham chase a hippie out of the philmore west you got to watch the thing it's fucking hilarious um it's a little bit long if you're not into the beginning just skip to it you'll see it's the guy comes in he's wearing like the rob halford leather hat but anyways that is it that's the podcast for this week merry christmas to everybody happy quanzi happy hanukkah happy new year happy fucking end of 2009 i hope you guys all have a happy and safe holiday i will talk to you next monday and once again thanks to everybody

at the philmore thanks to the crew thanks to uh molly at the punchline uh jeff wills everybody everybody who made it the whole fucking thing happened arts and industry everybody my management parents and everything i feel like i i'm accepting an oscar but i feel like i won one because it went that great so that's it everybody have a great week and i will talk to you next monday oh I don't want to do what I want you I don't want to do what I want you I don't want to do what I want you I don't want to do what I want to do what I want to do love

oh i said be a scallop bring me your solutions i had in my mind you're back here you're back here you're back here you're back here

you're back here you're back here now my love and me is nothing to you so maybe i'm still alive my love and me's nothing to you so maybe i'm still alive

why Why why why why that might not be my philosophy why I say you so kill me

ooh deal my life for the most of these yeah don't you seven kill me ooh find me lovable