Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-22-16

Episode Date: December 22, 2016

Bill rambles about user friendly slacks, silver bells and Patrick Swayze

Hey what's going on it's Bill Byrne it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and just checking in on you how are you got the lovely Nia with me hello what's going on oh it's Christmas Nini I know city sidewalks pretty ladies everybody walking around spending money on people that annoy them take your dick out add a charger game rub it up and fucking down I feel so bad for that kid why why do you feel bad because I have a dick and I know how hard it is you you know how hard it is no sorry no pun intended he was in public I know but he just looked like that kind of guy he did not have talked look if he's a fucking like seriously I

mean if he's fucking like he can't control rubbing his dick in public it was entrapment they had like 12 scantily clad women and the whole thing entrapment but what let me ask you a question he was at a game there's cheerleaders there and how are they dressed oh so it's their fault how are they dressed cheerleaders the way cheerleaders are always dressed that this why can't you guys ever be flattered when a man flashes you but fucking woman never just whipped her who are out because I look so good in a fucking t-shirt it would just fucking make my day as long as she stayed away from me I mean he was she was doing his own thing you know it's hilarious fucking pervert the way you're in a public you know what I loved the way he had his

arms crossed he was like well I can't see what I'm doing that means no one else can't he had a fucking new technique I never tried the overhand before oh god no foul control the crossover overhand that's like a limpic level jerking off through his pants you know look everybody you know you that's how you get caught you know you fucking you can't you he got greedy is what happened you know what I mean he thought he could you know he thought he could do it was like fucking 20 000 people staring right at him idiot yeah but you know okay you know and and look when I'm talking about those cheerleaders why are they out there Nia why are they really out there to stir the crowd up to cheer more no they're not to spread cheer they dress them like

fucking like just shy of who is that's what they're out there for they got their cleavage they got their butt cheeks hanging out everything's barely covered everything's all shiny you know glittery oh glittery and shit you know hey what what the fuck was he supposed to do you know not touch his dick in public hey that's what he was supposed to do hey there before the grace of god go I okay are you really trying to say that you would be in a position where you would just be jerking off through your pants in public like that I have to be honest I've never stood next to 12 women all dressed in the same sparkly outfit touching their toes in front of me wearing uh some very user-friendly slacks so action slacks maybe action slacks they were uh-huh and if you were

you're saying you wouldn't be able to control yourself I would say have to touch if I have to take my my life savings if I have to take my life savings there's no way I'm I'm betting on black slacks I'm not there's no way I'm gonna put it all on one thing I don't know what I would do if I had a couple drinks in me you know who knows might do the old know who knows no who knows yeah every guy's done that don't want jerk off in public oh absolutely no they have at some point they did something they were in their car they rubbed one out they did something they were on a porch well guys are always tugging on a plane on a plane they went to the bathroom and just rubbed one out the amount of men I'm just saying the amount of fucking men who've done it seriously hey nia you've done

that yeah you gotta understand when wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute what's that are you saying that you've gone into a plane like a bathroom on a plane and jerked off I swear no I have not done that tell me that I what are you gonna do I don't know all right then I don't scold me yeah scold you shame you listen I know listen guys I've talked to other guys shit that they've done or whatever you know hey we've all done stuff we're not proud of you know didn't Jesus say he who's not fucking rubbed what out to a fucking cheerleader you fucking cast cast a friend you know what I hate is if that's the worst that that kid does okay which is basically all he did was completely humiliate himself all right and his life is fucking over I mean isn't that enough

I feel bad for him I do unless he's like really a pervert and he's running around grabbing women and he's ruining people's lives then yeah then you know put the kid down like a rabid dog without a doubt but if his worst fucking you know I love about it is they say men can't multitask there was a man clearly operating as a security person while rubbing one out well that is multitasking he only had one hand free so I don't really feel like he was at his full capacity as a security guard well a lot of security is just presence just people seeing you seeing you with your dick in your hand he had his gun in his hand I feel bad for him don't feel bad for him Jesus Christ just hear those sleigh bells ring a link ting ting ting a link to you're acting like he's like you know a homeless

child come on and rub one out a fucking cheerleader or two keep it rubbing keep it rubbing while everyone watches oh my god they're poor bastard what is this tweet that this person is Sunday I don't know can you stay focused here yes I'm going to tell you my what's up can I tell you my story today I went out I went into well you don't have to be here what are we watching on TV Nia it's the it's the Washington capitals versus the Philadelphia uh wait no I don't know you said charges I did I don't know the Philadelphia fucking flyers flyers this is rivalry Wednesday that's Wayne Simmons I can't get up Claude Giroux and I have my feet up and I'm pregnant and I'm the size of a house that's why I'm here no you're not you look like an igloo more than a house

that's you look like asshole oh it's the shootout what do you think of the oh that was a nice movie he had him too when he skipped off his stick I don't like the flyer I don't like the gold numbers on that one the flies got such a great uniform that kind of fucks it up a little bit you know somebody's got to buy it you know that guy who just paints his room fucking orange and white the biggest fan ever you know you know if you dedicate your whole bedroom you know painting it your team color there's no way you can judge that kid on the charges because you definitely wear slacks and you rub one out in public oh she just fuck you that was a fuck you I don't respect you as a goaltender did he even do a move he just stared at him I was like this is going in the

net bitch and that's exactly what the fuck happened look at this Jesus Christ yeah right there Fred fuck you that's one nothing in overtime oh sorry two two all right here comes another flyer he comes down he dips the oh little head little hot too many fucking moves see what he did Claude Giroux I like I love the head faking hockey I mean it works in basketball and fucking if you're a wide receiver but as you're gliding in it just never seems to work oh he stayed home he stayed home all right no one wants to listen to this shit so anyway so I go to Target today you literally just had your arm over your eyes like it was the most torturous thing ever to listen to I'm exhausted you know I'm fucking tired I'm exhausted yeah I have

friends way fatter than you and they're doing much more stuff I don't know what you're complaining about I have so few friends that are like morbidly obese okay and they're more active than you are I think you're being a little dramatic are they gestating life I don't know what gestating means do they have another human being inside of Jesus that was a nice goal holy shit taking all of their food what did he miss sucking all of their energy huh do they have that increasing their blood flow and their water retention and their exhaustion no but they probably have a woman in their life fucking yammering at them that was a goal why didn't the guy put the fucking number up I don't want to be a part of this podcast you don't no I don't because I don't like your attitude right now oh okay

I'm sorry how about this you know Nia what you're doing right now is one of the most special things that has ever been done on the planet granted most of people on the planet will do it at some point because more most people are women you know and guys don't like wearing rubbers sorry um all right so I go to Target today Jesus Christ Wade Simmons when you told me that earlier I just couldn't even imagine you going into Target on your own accord it just didn't seem like something I was buying you a Christmas gift from Target yeah from Target I couldn't fucking find what I wanted wait a minute why are you buying me oh you know what let me stop because I'm about to sound really yeah you're gonna sound like what

you are oh I'm an asshole two twos the final score wait I'm fucking old I can't see what what's the uh the overtime score we have to get flies just one we have to get our eyes examined this year I mean 2017 we both have to go to the optometrist listen I think we have enough activities together I already went to the optometrist it's together yeah it's not an activity and I already got I got fucking for when I fly I got glasses so I can see the radio channels I glance I glance down I got I got the half moon things we're like I'm regular I'm a freak I'm regular I'm a freak by by by focal yeah I don't know what they are yeah they're fucking great I've never seen you in these glasses it's because you won't fly with me you baby fly with me I'll

take you over the ocean I did fly with you and we'll see some people sitting on some surfboards as they wait for a fucking wave when you fly with me I did fly I'll fly you over the Santa Monica pier I did a whole snapchat story of it yeah but you won't go unless I'm with an instructor of course well all right then all that does is motivate me because you're a comedian you're not a pilot you're a comedian that's like saying I'm a comedian I don't have a license to drive a car no it isn't what do you mean it's the same thing I'm not a professional driver I don't drive at the Indy 500 I don't fly for American Airlines you get me in a Robinson 22 with the old 44 they'll take you for a fucking ride legally okay I don't know if I have enough hours for the

44 but the 22 the two Cedar yeah all you listen you can try this fucking woman thing that you guys all do what woman thing that yakin on the fucking range that you guys all do anytime you see a guy doing something new you gotta have that hmm well he thinks he's fair but he's you're always shitting on our fucking hobbies that's it's what you guys do I would love for you to get a hobby excuse me you know what I'm gonna get you I'm gonna get you a listen to me when I speak I am the man in this relationship no I'm gonna get you a wood whittling kid I'm not shitting on your hobbies I'm just saying like I would feel more secure with there is a person there who is a professional flying with us fair enough that's so bad it isn't it's fair enough but there's a there's also part

of it it didn't motivates me motivates me that's all okay well all right see that okay well what is that what do you want me to do though you want for me you always say that what do you want from me hey what do you want for you know I'm gonna get you a little wood whittling kid I'm gonna get you a fucking hobby you know you know you know my hobby is dealing with you you know oh snap when we return Nia with more fucking snappy answers just tell your target story no I'm gonna find you a hobby what about what about uh what's that thing that happened in hobbies in ghost you know oh god I had the time of my life when Patrick Swayze sat on whoopee oh I made a pot plant well I'll get it I'll get it you're confusing Patrick Swayze no no don't tell me don't tell me

I'm gonna get it it's one of those it's one of those fucking it's one of those moves one of those stupid fucking songs it's one of those songs was it woman in red you're talking about lady in red you're talking about one she's making pots with me while singing the soundtrack to another Patrick Swayze movie you've got your two Patrick Swayze movies and yeah how many fucking movies are there that's still pretty good I'm in the ballpark Patrick Swayze made a lot of movies um you're talking about when the night no has come no he wasn't and there's a body by the train tracks he wasn't in stand by me was he in stand by me and yeah he played one of the mean guys with Kiefer Sullivan hey you little shits and I'll fucking talk about the dead body or I'll cut your dead ear off

you fucking freak hey I'm fat now I'm married to his model oh yeah this is you describing everybody in it I thought it was Leonardo DiCaprio but it's uh uh river phoenix that one's too sad so I'm not gonna do that one and then the other guy hey I'm gonna fucking uh you're talking about Jerry O'Connell and there's the other dude right who does the thriller dance still right it's fucking 2016 I'm still doing this stupid fucking dance I feel like you're talking about Corey Feldman and he was not in stand by me yeah he was was he are you sure yeah he was he was the dude with the fucked up ear who wanted to fight with the glasses oh yeah yeah I liked him hmm so there you go originally you were talking about ghosts and then you started singing a song

from dirty dancing don't tell me because I'm gonna get it I'll get it by the end of the podcast you know one of my goals in 2017 I'm gonna get a fake ID I'm gonna fake ID for all those fucking times you know you I'm on the road I want to use a gym and they go can we need an ID and they want to take a fucking copy of my license you know having a fake ID is illegal right I'm going with my name's gonna be Frank Fallujah I like alliteration Bill Burr Frank Fallujah right Teddy Pendergrass all right so I go into um I go into Target right to buy you a gift that evidently you you're above I was gonna get you a flannel right next to the bicycles Target's so fucked up it's like what do you guys want to be I don't like Target they're like that

person who just morphs themselves into what they think you want them to be so they can be friends with you it's just like pick a fucking angle it's like you walk and you know you're looking at TVs and they're next to cereal it's like what the fuck it's like this is like a fucking yard sale but everything's new um all right so I go into Target and I'm looking for your fucking shit and everybody you know what's funny about Target is everybody looks like they work there so you gotta ask like nine fucking people hey do you work here they get all offended but you look like you do don't buy the clothes here you asshole if they're wearing a red shirt they work at Target yeah but there's different levels it's like the military there's different kinds of red shirts there's

the people with the p carol dockers and then the red shirt tucked in they're like management then there's the grumpy filthy people who gotta like fucking unload the trucks all day and they never let them go home they're not gonna answer shit and then there's sort of dumpy women walking around like I don't know I don't know what they're thinking it's like they took a pot cookie and every once in a while you meet that one that's on the ball who's not gonna be there long oh I thought that was new sorry that's a highlight that was a nice fucking wrap around golf oh you gotta love the wrap around oh he saved it he didn't save that fucking thing did he that's a goal that's a goal I have to reveal the fucking place dance so like as I'm leaving

I bought you a high-end gift there at Target right I bought you a floral apron with a frozen burrito in the pocket and I gotta keep it in the freezer until right before twice the night before Christmas and all through the house and a creature was stirring except for this bald freckled fuck taking a frozen burrito I'm sticking it in the stocking by the way underrated stockings stockings I don't know about you guys like I don't know some people are like they start with the stockings other people we always end on the stocking and the stockings always like the bump bump bump bump like you already got your cool gift then you go over to the stocking and it's like it's like a you know a gift certificate to a book club and you gotta sit there acting like oh

yeah thank you I get to read awesome what else is in here oh new socks I mean I mean who could use new socks are these gold toe oh you shouldn't have literally I would rather wear one stocking walking down the street than a pair of gold-toed socks just because of what they represent there's a lot of blood and shame on all those gold-toed socks you know the army hookers have laid on motel rooms and the last thing that they saw was somebody's bloody gold-toed sock walking towards so bad so bad during the holiday season silver bells leaving your family going to get a hooker while the goose cools double life serial killer cops show up one day and you confess to 40 other killings and your wife says who the fuck are you what did I do with the last three decades

and you stare at her with no feeling behind your eyes I really got you going this one man Nini you're egging me on here I like your dark holiday carols because I hate that song I hate silver bells it just goes on for it's like it's just song on a fucking loop there's no way this is one song did fucking fish record this fucking thing it's like 20 minutes long silver bells and I hate jingle bell rock it's just such an attempt of like white people trying to be hip you know we're gonna jazz this one up jingle bell jingle bell jingle bell rock hey jingle bell it's that thing where you're kind of just shaking your head and your ass at the same time you know as you're snapping your fingers with your fucking loafers that's when

somebody you know if you're at a party and there's a piano and somebody knows how to play they're going to sing that at the holidays you know oh yeah and then there's going to be the under sexed fucking 20 year old 20 like years married chick with the red wine teeth always start dancing and it's like all right all right come on let's get her out of here get her coat get her coat send her home I just don't know why they stay together so I'm leaving target I'm leaving target and this guy looks fucking confused he's getting interviewed here huh so I'm leaving target and as I'm walking out all of a sudden I just hear this guy going get off me get off me and I look over and there's two target ladies they're at the

p carol level of the target thing and I'm in a target guy two women and a guy are just fucking grabbing this dude and they're dragging him into like this window in this office and the guy's going this isn't legal this isn't legal and they just dragging him in and everybody's just watching like what the fuck and then like the door starts to close and then it opens fucking closes again and then and then they finally got him to calm down and they closed the door and this older manager just closed the door and he did that you know it's smile you do when you walk by a stranger because you're hoping they don't have an axe you know that little purse lippy kind of you lift your eyebrows up he kind of did that like well that's the end of that and it's like that's an american

citizen in there sir what the fuck just happened but nobody said anything because it's target you just don't expect it so I said to the lady next to me I go did he steal something she goes no I don't think so and then somebody else goes I think he's autistic and he was acting a little weird so they dragged him into yeah this is the back room yeah I don't think that that doesn't make sense it doesn't make sense it doesn't make sense but I feel like why wouldn't they take it upon themselves to drag him away why wouldn't they call the police I know it looked like that Scientology show that you're watching that the stuff that they do to people except it was a target you know I wonder if one of those people are going to do a tv show exposing target and what what really

goes on there they probably wanted him to work all three shifts on Christmas and he said no they just dragged them in there they don't fuck around at target I guess not are you fucking kidding me did that guy just score from the other side of the I'm just watching the highlights it's pathetic and that was it and that was the end of and then I just sort of walked out and I have to admit 20 rolls of paper towels yes Merry Christmas Nia I'm expecting a lot of big tears next year big tears big tears big tears big tears um so anyways I should probably read some advertising here I'm like oh this is fucking what a great night we got the fire going oh tell him how much I like eggnog a lot of people don't like eggnog I like you love eggnog I love eggnog

now too well what it is I was always shy about it so it's like I don't know if it's my thing but it's delicious yeah but people pour you a giant fucking glass of it it's it's like it's a uh what are they not an aphrodisiac what do they say what's that shit you're drinking Italy after you after you yeah that's what it is it's but we're sure or digestive that's it yeah digestive if you have a big meal you sip on a little eggnog it tastes like melted ice cream and I like it way to hold up the podcast while I type in my fucking podcast it tastes like melted ice cream and I like it I'm exhausted I know I'm sorry I'm not a good guest tonight I'm sorry because I spelled stocking that looked right to me now when I look back at I look at the dumbest

person ever STOLK ING stoking stuffers underrated let's see I wrote some ideas silverbells kid jerking off Christmas break stokel stuffers underrated oh hell this is the one I wanted to talk about when I was I went into Best Buy afterwards oh I was hitting all the corporations and I'm standing in line this pathetic line of fucking people just waiting till the last minute to shop we're all fucking hating life and I'm you know and you're going through like the disney world line where you gotta fucking go all the way back and forth back and forth so I'm standing I'm finding the last rung and this guy walks up to stand in line behind 18 people you know what his t-shirt said what do epic shit first of all what kind of a fucking adult wears that stupid

fucking t-shirt why would you wear it going to stand in line at Best Buy right I that's a new fucking thing where people try to motivate people with their workout videos and shits like you know like they're doing it for you like one of my friends when I see that guy with that t-shirt like wow that guy's doing epic shit he's standing in line at Best Buy no he's taking a break he just he was doing that point break shit earlier out in Santa Monica like he got helicoptered out just some sort of fucking burning man out in the ocean whatever they do when they know big waves coming you know everybody else runs for cover they go we gotta go right out at it man it's another Patrick Swayze movie yes it is I saw the remake of it I enjoyed it you know oh yeah was it about surfing

it's not about anything it's like fast and furious it's it's just about fucking fast and furious is about the cars point break is about you know the stuntman and everybody doing you know the flying squirrel suits and riding waves and shit that's all it's about you know I've never seen that movie possibly hot women with mysterious attitudes who can't walk a straight line without crossing one foot in front of the other they're always in some rainy alley possibly hot women with mysterious attitudes yeah they always fuck underneath fire escapes and shit it's the same for jizz alley whatever that is it's like in every it's in every fucking movie jizz alley I had the time of my life when I fucked you next to this fucking dumpster oh I so rad when you bend me over no

yeah they fucking the same alley where that dude from brothers got got his throat cut in uh that fucking that movie where the guy who's always screaming goes everyone no not everyone he goes off let's go remember that to Sean Penn no the guy who plays uh Commissioner Gordon Gary Oldman okay he was in it was based on uh you talking about the professional that's when he goes no no that's not that one I fucked up it's the one that was it was based on that book the Westies I don't know uh it was Ed Harris was fucking great in it and uh this was before that dude did fucking boogie nights he's on he's on um he's on uh uh adult swim he's in like in every fucking movie he played chest Rosswell John C. Riley John C. Riley when he gets his throat

slit his cry so long long fucking way to go that's the same fucking alley where all those women get fucked in all those those movies you know okay all right what is this song when they make the make the pot unshamed melody oh they play that song while they're making a pot no wonder I never fucking could get through that movie my darling oh I just felt your head going down on my shoulder while the movie's on just I hate when women do that I always hated when I was on a date and you deliberately took them some fucking schmaltzy shit because you knew they wanted to see it and then there comes that stupid fucking moment in the movie whatever what's the song go just sing the song well I tell you what all right and then you feel her stupid head

starts going under your shoulder and you know you're kind of excited because she's become an intimate but there's another party that just wants to fucking do what Ty Domey did to all Samuelson when they were standing in front of the net all right that's it slowly we're making a fucking pot don't tip it over I know it was one of those things wasn't will ferrell's father in that band in what band the righteous brothers is that the righteous brothers yes are the righteous brothers white yes oh jesus christ okay I didn't know that all right the white the white just the righteous brothers are white I didn't realize that all right I need to warm things up this spring with a trip

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download the sea keek app and enter promo code burr today so nia yes this is one of my favorite times of year because i get to you know hang at home for once you know sit by the fire and i got all the sports packages huh ask me if i got the nhl's center rice package i yes i do ask me if i got the nba hardcore whatever the fuck they call it of course i got that too okay ask me if i got nfl sunday ticket do you have nfl yes i do okay i got all three so i can watch my patriots my celtics and my bruins and what i've noticed with the celtics and the Bruins okay if the celtics lose um isaiah thomas it's fucking over they lose like they lost like fucking three in a row and he comes back and all of a sudden when that memphis game was

fucking incredible but my dvus shut off with like five seconds to go in overtime i think we want and then the bruins if charon goes down like that's been the thing the whole time though but um i'm you know what i've been bitching about michael carnell when you rebuild the team it takes at least two to three seasons so we'll see which direction he's going in i don't know i don't fucking know but it's been tough to watch him this year because i love him and uh and i loved a lot of the guys they got rid of and it's hard watching them on other teams doing fucking great you know i know there's a salary cap and all that shit i'm gonna quit fucking bitching um so anyways i guess that's the podcast here nia you're gonna fall asleep

aren't you i don't know oh jesus well you know i'm glad i knocked this thing out before you fell asleep um everybody have no i got no energy it's all right everybody have a merry christmas oh merry christmas have a happy hanukkah have a happy kwanza happy holidays jewish people i hope you have the best fucking chinese food that sounds great though not spending all that fucking cash you just have chinese food go to a fucking movie how great does that sound that sounds great i like that i think we ought to add that celebration on the 26th right we'll do that merry christmas everybody that's it happy new year i'll talk to you on monday anyways but i hope you guys all have a happy safe one and all that stuff and uh thank you for everybody's

been listening all year um it is a privilege to do this all right go fuck yourselves get counts and i'll talk to you on monday well it's all right riding around in the breeze well it's all right if you live the life you please well it's all right oh in the best you can well it's all right as long as you lend a hand you can sit around and wait for the phone to ring waiting for someone to tell you everything sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring and maybe a damn little man well it's all right even if the sea

oh happy holidays it's the monday morning podcast how'd you like that little second grade fucking recital that was horrible i thought i was gonna get through it in one take i should have been asked and i should that's like the kind of guitar playing you hear at a benefit and whatever the benefit is like whatever the disease it's for like if that guitar playing like i would have the disease that you guys were raising money for and then in the end they'd wheel me out and they'd be like hey here's the guy who has the disease that we're trying to stop and now he's gonna play the guitar for you that's how i just played the

guitar but i don't give a fuck you know i can't help it you know i can't help it if i'm fucking not even i'm just gonna say multi-talented it's not the word what's the reverse of multi one-dimensional i can't help it if i'm a one-trick pony anyways this is the monday morning podcast for the uh the week of christmas which is why i had my little recital um you know what's hilarious is last year um besides my guitar playing um it was last year i took off i didn't do a podcast on the week of christmas or the week of new years and everyone thought it was because i you know was taking a vacation or whatever but the reality is is because i was traveling and holiday travel sucks so as many of you know this year i was like you know what fuck this fuck everybody i'm not

going home for the holidays because i'm not dealing with that planes trains and automobile shit and i gotta tell you man it's the smartest goddamn thing i ever did i don't know what that says about me but i'm not spending it with my family and i am absolutely fucking elated you know i'm not saying i don't like my family i'm just saying i don't need to go see them when everyone else is going to go see their family because uh because it sucks i had a buddy mine was you know trying to fly back east with all this snow and all this shit he's down in orange county calling me up that same situation i was in last year dude you can't believe it man my plane got cancelled blah blah blah blah and i was like thank god thank god i made the right choice

fucking excited i got a christmas tree i got stockings i got a ukulele i mean what what more do you need what more do you fucking need i don't know some inner peace maybe but i don't want to get greedy um i'm i'm i'm two inches away from getting a dog people i know i've said it for about two years on this podcast even though i've only been doing them for a little over a year i'm freaking out i'm terrified to get a dog because i'm like you know what if uh what if i want to take off for a couple of days i mean i've never had to take care of anything in my life you know and uh i've never been in a movie going oh my god what if it's taken a shit in my living room you know i don't want to be thinking that especially at this time of year when those all these great movies are out you know

speaking of which um somebody sent me a great email and said we'll get back to the dog thing i want to get a dog if i get a dog i'm getting a fucking bulldog and i'm going to a breeder i know a lot of people oh my god you should rescue a dog you know i don't have time for you do you understand me that's your cause you go down there and you you you get all those you get all those dogs you go down and you get them that have already learned how to fetch and they're just completely over everything nothing's exciting anymore you know what i mean i mean when i just pick up a fucking divorced waitress with three kids that hate her you know and and bring that into my life and i'll just surround myself with people

who are just fucking over everything you know sometimes i i just really say stupid shit i don't i don't feel any of that you know i went down to the shelter i wanted to rescue all the dogs i i don't fucking know i don't know i'm talking about i'm just trying to kill time people as i'm trying to find the thing about the movie reviews yeah somebody sent me an email and they said hey bill i haven't heard movie reviews in a while now some of my longtime listeners of the podcast remember we used to have people write in because i went and i saw a shitty movie one time when i was pissed that you know i lost my ten bucks or whatever the fuck they're charging now so people started you know thrown in that two cents so here's some movie reviews this guy said

punisher warzone and he gives it three stars punisher warzone what the fuck is that evidently he says there's tons of over-the-top violence and shooting it doesn't try to be realistic at all like the last one the first punisher warzone tried to be real that's funny with that name uh the story was very basic with no real twists you know what i can appreciate that okay so it's like commando they fucked with them he got in his bronco and he kicks ass and then he wins i like it i'm gonna i'm you know what i'm not going to go see it but i will watch it on um that'll be the new part of the movie reviews i'll let you know if i'm gonna see it i'm gonna see that okay you guys so filled now did this make any holidays i'm gonna go see punisher wars no i'm

right i'm gonna i'm gonna sit on my fucking huge couch and i'm gonna watch it um the next review he did the day the earth stood still he gave it three stars this guy's very uh he's very liberal with the stars here some people who are in the theater with me were pissed at it when it ended but it's a remake and i knew it was gonna happen it isn't really supposed to be an over-the-top independence day blockbuster it's more story oriented and there were some surprise stars that i didn't know were in it like so and so and so and so well thanks for ruining it for me i don't give a fuck i'm not really into those cameos i hate when people get excited about cameos oh this is a movie that all of a sudden tom cruz came in i had no idea he was in it

yeah would be more surprising if like one of your relatives walked in it's not like tom cruz isn't an actor you know it's not like he hasn't been doing movies for 25 years i can't believe that actor all of a sudden showed up in a movie and was acting i was i was really blown away um oh i'm in a pissy mood um let's see oh this is the two movies i saw this weekend i saw uh the wrestler with mickey roark which was fucking awesome and uh any if you're a fan of wrestling if you're a fan of mickey roark you got to go see it he's fucking great in it and they really capture the moronic wrestling fan which i was perfectly and then i also saw that movie uh milk starring shan penne as harvey milk and i got to admit i was shying away from that movie i

wanted to go see it because i love shan penne but every uh male friend of mine was saying i was like yeah i want to go see that movie milk uh did you see it maybe like yeah i saw it but uh just to warn you a lot of male kissing which is not a uh that's not a selling point with a lot of guys myself included and i was sitting there going but i got to go see it it's shan penne and um i don't know there was a lot of kissing but it after a while you sort of get used to it which i don't know if that's a good thing i'm really on the fence about that i don't know what the fuck you know what i mean it's weird if i was on like uh you porn a tube eight and i was watching two guys kissing people would be looking at me like too what the fuck is wrong with you

you know what's your deal you got something to tell me i can't just sit there be oh it's just a porno you know this is uh you know this is the you know then you go see a movie and then all of a sudden it's okay this is art this is art i don't know it wasn't that big a deal it wasn't shan penne was fucking unreal and uh it was an amazing it's an amazing movie with a lot of male kissing you know i got to admit that's the first time i've seen an amazing movie that had a lot of male kissing i think they started a whole new genre um so i don't know you know what and because i have ocd i plan on seeing like fucking nine more movies this week there's some mob movie i wanted to go see what the fuck was the name of that again everybody's here this is this is typical

me like i haven't seen a movie in about eight months and then i go and i see one movie then i'm like i'm going to go see everything it's like i don't understand why i can't this is why i don't do drugs um i'm going to go see uh gamora g o m o r r a h evidently it's a mob movie because i got i got to wash off that that male kissing to prove to myself in a cinematic way that i'm still a man um i'm going to go see this movie evidently it's a mob movie that kind of takes away all the glam of being in the mob you know what i mean i mean when you watch good fellas you don't really think like wow thank god i never joined the mafia you know you you you know you want the cars i don't know you want the fucking i don't know i can't say the women

women are pretty fucking nasty and good fellas you know what it was that girl with the cold sword just ruins it for every woman in that then i just think they all have herpes and then that just fucking ends it for me can i just mess this up here sorry guys this is going to be another slow podcast i fuck yourself i'm on vacation all right let's get to the podcast questions shall we um if you're new to my podcast people send me podcast questions every single week and i try and answer them uh to the best of my ability um so here we go podcast called podcasts came to talk question number one uh bill uh i have a question for you as a well-informed hockey fan what are your thoughts on the chicago blackhawks chances this season um also what the fuck why the fuck did the

bruins get rid of thorton uh why did they get rid of thorton because they didn't feel like they could lead them deep into the playoffs they played on uh bruins teams that people felt they didn't have any heart and because he was the big paid guy they blamed him which was uh wasn't fair all i know is we didn't get shit from we didn't get shit for the guy how do i think the blackhawks are going to do this year uh transition year they're not going to do shit speaking of that let's talk about the new york Yankees and them throwing their fucking wallets around huh it's monday and i've heard that i haven't watched espia yet but i heard they had this close to signing mani ramirez so they signed cc sabatia that white dudes from toronto the pitcher and uh i don't know i fucking love

every as a red sucks fan i'm loving every second of it that's exactly right go ahead and do the exact same fucking thing it's like watching an alcoholic just making the same fucking mistakes over and over and over again thinking that you're going to get a different result you've had a rod cheater and giambi just in your fucking infield for the last five years or whatever or at least cheater and giambi that combo you had for seven years you haven't won shit you haven't won shit you had randy johnson with those three guys behind them plus i mean look at the look at the list to start when the yankees were the shit they got it from their farm team i don't know and then they would pick up these fucking nerds along the way paul o'neill who knew he was great scott

brochures chuck knoblock you know they just i don't know i don't know what they're doing they always go out and they get the fucking big swing and dick and then you got you got too much swing and dick in your clubhouse you're not going to win you can't if it was just that fucking easy the yankees would win it every year wouldn't they look with the fucking red socks try doing that one year remember that year we got a eric ganye that guy almost fucked up our whole season last year we got that big bloated steroid at jackass remember that and we'd already added uh what's his face there in right field i swear to god the second the season ends i can't even remember anybody's name i was gonna say trot nixon no the new guy uh fucking junior felix what the fuck is his name

out there the guy everybody says is a cunt and he doesn't do well during the season and then he showed he shows up in october that guy i thought this the red socks last year were very uh 2007 were teetering on that yankee-esque sort of thing but they still had like four five guys from their uh from their farm team i don't understand what the yankees are doing but i hope they keep doing it i hope they do it i hope they have a fucking 500 million dollar team and they get bounced out in the first round that's gonna be fucking hilarious but my favorite part of the year in baseball is when they pan down that yankee dugout and you just see one fucking zillion air up one hall of famer after another just fucking sitting there with that look on their face like

that jesus christ looks like we're going home again early again this year i don't fucking know you know i don't know but i will say this manny is worth the money and uh he's definitely worth the fucking money cc sabathia only because he's 26 but i gotta tell you man that guy is built like bartolo colomb all right and you can't walk around with that sack of potatoes hanging right over your dick for too long before you start having lower back pain you can't pitch anymore it's like broads with big tits they can ride it out to like 35 37 and after a while they're like listen man i can't go today i just can't do it you know i'm fucking my arm is shot it's the end of their career and they get their titties reduced so cc sabathia needs to stop going

to the fucking oh what the fuck would he go what if cc sabathia see an olive garden guy he's got the money though i don't know what he's doing he looks like he just has like one of those mtv cribs refrigerators you know what i mean when they got like you know they got like a case of fucking coca-cola and every bag of fucking junk food you know i'm convinced fat people eat at night that's where they get fat because if you hang out with a fat person you know you hang out with them all day long they're just sort of eating when you eat and maybe they'll get an extra fucking cheeseburger at mcdonald's but they don't go anything crazy i think it's at night at night that's when they get up and they just start going through the cupboards and they just they just start

throwing the fuck down i think that's what cc sabathia is going to be doing on the road with any luck um i don't know what the fuck you gotta do um what else i'm gonna keep talking about sports i think i'm gonna piss off everybody at least half in new york you got so many fucking teams med fans probably enjoyed that what about those jets huh can you fucking believe it they choked against the goddamn seahawks and they're the patriots right in the thick of it and i know what you're gonna say you can say bill you're fucking bandwagon well that's bullshit because i gotta bet which the shredin reagan show which i'm gonna fuck it in columns too late the shredin reagan show out in buffalo new york i bet them the fucking week when tom brady went down reagan was talking

all this shit and i hope he's listening to this he was talking all this shit bill bella check is a punk he's never won without a superstar quarterback yada yada yada all this fucking crap and i said let me tell you something reagan let me tell you something and reagan not only are the patriots gonna have a winning season they are gonna fucking win the division i called that after brady went down called it i bet him 50 bucks if i lose i own 50 bucks but if i win reagan has to read an an on air apology to bill bella check that i get to write it's gonna be great now he negotiated it down to only six sentences it can only be the apology can only be six sentences long but he's not familiar with my ability with conjunctions

all right that fucking thing is going to be a page and a half of what a brilliant coach bill bella check is there those guys on espm were saying that shit you know he's never won without a superstar quarterback yeah neither did vince from barney neither did chuck knoll neither did tom landry neither did bill walsh did those guys all suck joe gibbs joe gibbs never really had a superstar quarterback doug williams was a superstar who just played for the fucking heirs you don't know what i mean so maybe he did but he had what mark rippen and joe thysman was on the fence he was like a paul o'neill level guy i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about all i know is next week all this all this is what i this is what i love about this situation next week is new york

can actually help boston have a great fucking new year's if they can beat the shit out of the dolphins if they can show up huh your punk-ass team will show up and win a goddamn game going out to seattle and lose and you guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves why am i picking on jets fans i actually feel bad for you guys if you didn't have man genie man genie i don't like all right he drove the getaway car all those fucking years and then he ratted out bill bellichick oh look he's robbing a bank dude you're driving the car shut the fuck up fucking baby all right am i even doing questions at this point i'm just talking shit about sports how about those broents how about those celtics huh i didn't need to go home for christmas the fucking boston teams are bringing it home for

me i got the nhl package i've only watched the first period of the st louis blues game don't ruin it for me don't be a spoiler all right question number two bill what do you think of mtv's sweet sweet jesus christ i can't read out loud i'm fucking moron bill let's go slow what do you think of mtv's sweet 16 show and part two what did you do for your sweet 16 all right what do i think of the sweet 16 show uh makes me angry um i try to keep my mind that they're only 16 but i just really i don't like dumb cunts you know i don't like them when i'm walking down the street and i'm certainly not going to watch a show about it so uh that's how i feel about that and what did i do for my sweet 16 i went down to the dmv and i got my my learner's permit that's what i did

it was always a big deal for me learning how to drive and uh what did i do i have no idea i have no fucking i don't remember that shit it's fucking 24 years ago uh number three i like how i took that question literally like what did you do for your sweet 16 you know i guess i was supposed to be like well i put ribbons in my hair i literally took it like straight up like i have no idea what i did that was 24 years ago well thanks for sucking all the comedy out of that question bill sorry about that whoever wrote that you set me up beautifully you lobbed it over the net and i took a big swing and a miss kind of like a rod in october oh he's killing the Yankees all right no there's somebody right now who already has a fucking mania ramirez poster hanging over his bed

fucking boston the town's so fucking lame everything fucking closes in fucking two in the fucking morning what the fuck yeah we also go out at seven thirty at night we start drinking you fucking jackass you're still putting on cologne at eleven thirty at night all right so fuck you in your city that opened is opened all night what a crock of shit that was you know when i first moved to new york another time i took it literally like when they said new york the city that never sleeps it's open all night long i thought that meant everything like banks hardware stores you know what i mean like i don't i could buy a lamp at like you know three thirty in the morning but no it does it does shut down and people do go to sleep and

but their bars do stay up until four in the morning other than that i fucked out it's the greatest goddamn city it's our paris i'm not even gonna lie to you it's fucking awesome i love it but i really don't like their sport teams um okay if you didn't notice all right no why don't you get back to the questions and stop making it so fucking personal with one city there's other cities listening and other countries hello to all the people in england that i've been getting questions from lately um i'm going to be over there next year you motherfuckers um so uh you know i don't know whatever it is you do to get prepared for comedy shows what do you do in england do you guys really eat pork chops for breakfast actually watch that show you are what you eat you know which

made me feel a lot better about how out of shape this country is when i saw all those people over there like you know what do you start well i start my day i have like i have a couple of fry ups and for you americans listening a fry up is rather than just making an egg over easy you know cooking it in butter fry you know frying an egg they actually from what i gather from the footage because it's not like they have the recipe they pour like cooking oil into a pot and they boil it's almost like you're poaching an egg in greece so they have like four of those to start the day and then they have like they have like these little fucking i don't know these little pork sandwiches and they're really big on indian food why do you guys have so many indians over there

literally people from india is that the whole winston church hill thing you know it's another book i started reading and i never got through i really wanted to get through that book so i could sound intelligent at some point it was a whole book about the relationship between what was it winston church hill and gondi who gets fucking whacked just you know it's unbelievable all these people out there who think that they're being dangerous on stage and type you know if nobody's made an attempt on your life you're not saying anything that's when you know that you're on stage saying something i think because when somebody tries to fucking shoot you in the back of the head at that point

all right then you're saying something but you know enough with all these dangerous artists i really hate that shit when people take they have head shots and they have like uh you know they have like a piece of tape over their mouth like like the the government put it you know that piece of duct tape you know that's stupid fucking like oh he's dangerous he's doing some spoken word he's figured out a word that rhymes with illuminati everybody run for cover he's gonna sing a song about the working man you're not dangerous okay okay if you're dangerous they they try to kill you and they do all right okay you know did fucking martin luther king ever have a poster of himself with the fucking you know in hey you know with piece of tape over his mouth

and shrugging his shoulder like oh oh he's very what did i do hey but the good thing all right um let's get back to the questions question number three bill have you ever been dealing with the case of the runs all day and had to go on stage tough it out cold sweats bubbling stomach stomach and all you know i love this question is he could have asked me anything and i would have answered it and he just basically said dude you ever go on stage and like yeah to take a shit really bad you know like well what was that like um did that ever happen to me uh yeah it's happened to me a number of times i mean i've been doing it for almost 17 years um i've had an untimely fucking salad that went right through me garlic is another thing i don't do well with and the amazing thing

is the second you go on stage for the most part it stops uh i don't know some sort of survival adrenaline thing kicks in that uh just says oh wait a second we're not shitting now we're not no we're okay so you just need to shut down that thought you need to sit there and wait till i'm done with this stuff that i've had the hiccups right before i went on stage going oh my god i have hiccups what am i what am i going to do and the second i get out there they go away i don't know why but they do so yeah i've had to do that i've heard stories of comedians literally being on stage stopping the show and just saying i have to uh i have to leave now in fact it i want to say dana ghoul told the story like that the other day on the adam corolla show

um i don't know i don't know i can't remember anyways let's get back to the questions here we go um let's see let's see let's see question number four bill if you could be with the girl of your dreams any girl marry her have great sex every night everything was great and you were happy but you had to sleep with one guy any guy in the whole world who would the guy be and who would the girl be great fucking question let's get with the guy that's the easy one that would be um one of those unbelievably over the top gay guys you know those guys who are just like they're so they're the ones who actually they get gay bash and the reason they get gay bash is because they're so putting out a female vibe it confuses the male that's why they you know and

if you're not you know if you're a psycho you get so pissed like why am why am why am i feeling like this this is a female when it's a guy you you just start punching it because you don't know how to yeah i don't know well i don't know the motivation behind fucking gay bash oh i could say yeah i would find the most uh over the top but not like that dude on will and grace because he's still a dude he's just sort of uh skipping around i guess the most effeminate i'm trying to think maybe like one of those uh if it's like filipino some little asian hairless dude i go that way you know what i mean yeah i go that way um and if it had to be any girl in the world who would it be uh Jesus christ um i don't know everybody goes with somebody famous

what would it be you know what i would you know what i would do i would go back to my adolescence when i was innocent and you know when you back then when you actually looked at a girl and you had like uh like remember that that way that uh what the for that boloxy blues where that guy just described that that little mini heart attack you know when you lean back in the chair i had a couple girls back in the day when i looked at them i felt that like that lightning bolt which only happens when you're young when you get older you just you just bend through it too many times like yeah look at those shoes she probably likes to get tied up how old is she 28 probably on her second fucking major relationship you know let's find out if her parents are still together that's

always a good fucking measuring stick you know you start thinking like that you just lose it so i would go back then and uh yeah i would do and i'm not going to say the girl's name probably a girl back then well one of the two or three girls back there that fucking made me out of a heart attack i would hook up with them you know what that was actually a very sweet answer i bet i have a lot of females going oh that's really sweet he does have a sense this side there's a bunch of guys what a fucking queer um all right question number five bill i was searching i was searching through youtube and i found this interesting video file it was jessie ventura talking about how most of september 11th was caused by our government now for you non-wrestling fans or political people out there

jessie ventura used to be a professional wrestler went by jessie the body ventura and one of my favorite things they used to call tito tito santana santana used to call him chico santana and uh he was part of the tag team champion uh what was it oh the larry the bisco tony guerrilla who the fuck was tito santana was he with ivan pusky and tito santana let me i don't care about no chico santana he was awesome um then he also said that song jessie's girl was about him um but anyways he was also a fucking was he a senator in minnesota so anyways that's the guy's background with my fucking digression there so yeah former wrestler former senator i believe or or representative of minnesota

and anyway he was talking about how most of september 11th was caused by our government and how we blew up the two world trade center towers towers he said from his experiences in the navy seals that buildings don't fall at the rate of gravity your thoughts thanks again my first gut feeling is they don't teach you how to implode a skyscraper when you join the navy seals and um buildings don't fall at the rate of gravity i don't feel that they teach you that in the navy seals i think they teach you how to swim underwater how to cut somebody with a knife from ear to ear and not have any guilt over it how to move stealthily how to kill people i don't think at any point i'm trying to think of anything that the navy seals were accused of any skyscraper

implosions that they were accused of but our government denied any sort of knowledge of granted it would be top secret i'm guessing he went on youtube like me and watched the same conspiracy theories that i watched those same videos and now he's trying to act like he came up with it himself to make himself sound a little more intelligent by throwing in the navy seals thing you know from my experience in the navy seals uh buildings don't fall at the rate of gravity really did they teach you that when you're putting on your flippers you jackass when the fuck did they teach you that you know what i mean i'm sure they taught you how to climb up the side of a building but you know i don't really think it's in you know we have we have f16s to take down

buildings we don't have fucking eight guys in frog suits do that you know i think he's just throwing it out there that's like well you know uh bill what do you think about september 11th well my experience as a headlining comedian around the country leads me to believe that uh buildings don't fall at the rate of gravity so uh yeah excuse me i have a third show tonight you know if he was an architect i would believe that um i guess you're asking me what are my thoughts do i think i don't know what happened on september 11th i know there's a lot of there's a lot of questions and i don't feel like we're being told the whole story and i'm not saying our government did it but i don't know what happened but i know it's not what they told me i think they told you

some of what happened and then other stuff they felt like they couldn't tell you and then other shit they used to manipulate shit so they could do some other shit which is why we're all in a big bag of shit right now all right question number six bill parents named their kid uh oh yeah i saw this story two parents named their kid one of their kids adolf hitler and another one arian nation i think it's great now we can keep an eye on the little fuckers oh wait a minute that's my response i was like wow this kid agrees with me um yeah i do think it's great i think it's it's and for that exact reason you know what i mean the next adolf hitler is not going to be named adolf hitler or arian nation his name is going to be like mike or jason you know what i mean

it's you know i don't know i don't know how the fuck to explain it's like anytime somebody comes along look oh dude he's the next jimmy henricks you know it's like there's never another jimmy henricks there's never going to be another adolf there's not going to be another fucking guy with the same name you name the kid adolf hitler joseph style they're not going to uh they're not going to do anything you you just you gave them a tattoo you know adolf hitler came to power he actually ran for office when nobody knew of the name adolf hitler and he got in there and once he got in there with his guys that's when he started doing shit so if this little fucker ever runs for all for office you can't you know it's it's great they're just hung a sign

around them hey attention my uh my parents were fucking maniacs and i'm filled with hate you know you can't run for office who you who you voting for you want for obama you're voting for uh fucking uh john mccain or you're voting for uh adolf hitler and his running make arian nation i think all racists should name their kids stuff like that you know just you know name them fucked up names like that and then they can all giggle about it hey there's a little adolf and then we'll you know like they you know i don't know how many times going to make the same fucking point i really don't give a shit um i don't think it's offensive either i think those people can name their kids whatever the fuck they want to name them and uh

uh like i said it's a major red flag dad can i go to my friend's house yes uh what what will we go to you want to Steve's house no adolf eight is kids names adolf yeah what what's his last name hitler so tell can i go uh no no you can't hit why not well i'll explain it to you later why don't we sit down and watch the history channel together i know what oh it's boring shut the fuck up you little brat question number seven um since you've been traveling across the country for the past decade or so what's the best urban legend you ever heard of okay urban legends uh i've heard so many good ones um i well i grew up in the 80s so there was a lot of fear about AIDS during that time and um i remember there was an urban

legend about a guy he's in a bar he meets his chick she's totally smoking looks like a fucking supermodel they go back to her place you know whatever her hotel she gives him the best blowjob ever they're banging on her the greatest fucking night ever he wakes up the next morning she's gone and he walks into the bathroom and then on the mirror is written in lipstick congratulations now we both have AIDS because evidently he didn't use a condom and i remember being in a warehouse believing every word going really do what we do where did that happen i don't know dude i think it was in rhoda ireland really yeah it was a moron i like that one and i liked uh there was another one out there about a guy he meets a girl in a bar and uh she says hey

and she's totally smoking and she says hey this is the deal you can come back to my place you can do whatever you want to me but in the end i get to do whatever i want to you the guys are like yeah sure fuck it let's go so you know he does everything you could possibly do with the woman you know has an orgasm everything's great and she goes okay now it's my turn and she ties him down to the bed so he's like okay she's into this freaky dominates her shit whatever she walks out of the room you know closes the door and all of a sudden the door fucking kicks open and there's a black dude dressed like batman and he comes in and he fucks the guy in the ass and i actually believed it like that totally made sense to me i was like

once again 18 19 really where did that happen i don't know i think it was in chelsea um yeah probably that one and then than anyone any any the firecracker urban legends you know somebody put an m80 in somebody's back pocket and blew half his ass off i always liked that one um yeah i would say that all right and it's the second part of the question also do you believe in spooky supernatural shit yes and no i believe in outer body experiences i believe in some sort of uh i don't know i don't know afterlife but so just some shit that we don't we don't understand and we can't tap into i definitely believe in that but i don't believe in ghosts like they're that you know that they're going to haunt me i just don't get what a ghost can do you know it's invisible

i can't see it okay so what is it rattles a lamp and goes boo all right then i get used to that and then i'm you know the worst he can just be is a pain in the ass just knock shit off my dresser and i speak really and i can just fuck with him mentally just torture him just like really maybe that's why maybe that's why you're a ghost you ever think about that maybe you're just a cunt in life and your punishment is you don't get to go anywhere and now you're trapped in my awful apartment you know kind of a fucking loser ghost or you why aren't you out there looking up women's skirts are we a gay ghost why don't you go fucking float over to uh west uh west hollywood there's plenty of dudes over there you know look at their balls

i don't know what i'm talking about here all right um anyways he said my girlfriend is obsessed with that show ghost hunter hunters hunters and i find it ridiculous uh yeah i find that shows that shows it's fucking stupid it's all all in the editing and they act like they're gonna find something and they don't and they never quite get like a good angle on the ghost you know it's like if you had a good angle on the ghost you would have kept the footage and you would have just could have sold it to any network out there for millions of dollars we finally have proof that ghosts exist but they never do it's always shaky handheld Blair witch it all right question number eight um bill doing sets every week do you ever get bored of your own stories

jesus christ yes absolutely which is why and thank god i do if i didn't i would have done i would never write any new jokes absolutely absolutely and what ends up happening is if it's a seven-minute joke if it comes a five-minute joke if it comes a two-minute joke and then it just becomes a joke that disappears it's kind of like you know you ever like break your arm or something and someone's like dude what happened to your arm and you tell the first person you tell in total detail what happened to your arm and it takes like fucking 10 minutes the next guy you tell you start telling it again you're kind of fucking going over the same shit again becomes eight minutes and then the very end it's just what happened you're up dude i fucking fell down go

fuck yourself what do you think happened it bent in a way it wasn't supposed to bend in a broke all right what happened to your face all right question number nine uh how far into this podcast are we how many i'm trying to shorten these things because they're getting ridiculously long 41 minutes jesus christ i should sell CDs at the end of this all right question number nine and i'm going to wrap this up real quick um bill are there any movies that you that you know are god-awful but for whatever reason you love them anyways oh i like this this is a this is a good story here listen to this shit he says for me it's john claude van dam's blood sport and kick boxer reason being is there's about nine or ten when those movies came out and they were the first

movies my dad let me stay up and watch with them even though my mom disapproved and i saw kick boxer for the first time in a while the other day and it really might be one of the worst movies of all time especially the part where van dam gets punched square in the face about 15 times and rapid succession at the end of the round and at the end of the round the bad guy tells van dam that he fucked his girlfriend at which point van dam spends the rest of uh in between rounds demanding to know the truth about his new girlfriend he says if i were in the middle of a fight with a grand champion of underground death matches would you actually give a shit at that point who's some girl you met two weeks ago fucked exactly and i'll never forget the part where the

bad that bad guy's boss finally gets what's coming to him because my dad would always be going take that you cambodian son of a bitch i don't even think the guy was supposed to be cambodian but i but if i see the movie's going to be on on cinemax 20 years from now still sit down and watch it yeah i got movies like that um i think i already talked about this one airport 1975 if you ever get a chance to watch that movie that's the movie that basically the movie airplane was making fun of i believe and believe it or not air as funny as the movie airplane is airport 1975 is even funnier just to give you a quick recap of of what the story what it is it's a commercial airliner you know some guy's in a private plane he has a heart attack and has a head on collision

with like a dc 10 which sucks one of the pilots out of the front and blinds f from zimbalist jr at which point a stewardess who i swear to god has a lazy eye has to fly the fucking plane and it stars an unknown erica strata who plays the character of i believe hector and has one line in it it's that fucking good all right what am i going to end with here um let's end with uh wishing all you guys a merry christmas hope you guys you know you do wish you had a happy hanukkah um if you're uh is it just black only black people or is it african kwanza happy kwanza if you're asian i don't know what you do there uh oh jewish people uh have hope you have excellent chinese food on christmas day i learned that little uh that little tradition the other day

oh here's a question i have for any any you technically savvy guys out here because i really want to up the quality of these podcasts people keep talking about this tapping wait a minute is it is it this noise is that the noise if that's the noise yeah that's me scrolling down on my computer i think we solved it um son of a bitch anyways so i want to up the uh the quality so let me know if that's the tapping sound because some people were saying it was my laugh saying i laughed like popine and annoyed him or is it this is that really annoying you guys um anyways this is my question i saw something i was listening to uh what's his face little

stevens underground christmas if you guys ever listen to his show it's on sunday nights check out locally he's just for you said plays all this underground music plays great music and i love the way he talks a little stevens underground christmas we got the remote i can't even do we just fucking the coolest dude ever but anyways he was talking about this shit on there called the uh the olympus ls 10 and evidently it's this fucking unbelievable record you can record 12 hours with this shit on it bands can use it like that's how much quality it is you can just set it in the middle of the room and it picks up everything like that cheesy guitar playing that you heard at the beginning of this you could have really told how awful it was if i get one of these

devices and any tech geeks out there i want to know if this thing is worth it the ls 10 if i start recording my podcasts on this then uploading them it's really adding in a whole extra step to the process but i would like to you know i'm getting a ton of listeners i'm not gonna lie to you the podcast that kind of starting to blow up you know i think i'm in uh triple digits at this point i know i've been joking saying i only have 14 listeners but i really think i got uh i think i have about 106 at this point so i'm gonna uh i'm gonna try to uh you know try to up the quality here in 2009 um and with that i got an idea how about for next week's podcast you guys send me in some new year's resolutions how you're gonna turn your lives around you know you do this every year you

lie to yourself you're gonna make your life a little bit better you know send me those in and with that i'm going to end this podcast here i'm going to actually hype a couple of dates i have coming up um all right this is the big one i'm at the improv in tampa florida and i last time i was there you know i don't know i didn't do so well as far as drawing people i know it's kind of off the beaten path down there in tampa maybe the hangover you fucking devil rays which kicked the shit out of my red socks well we took you to seven games you guys are definitely the better team maybe you guys you know the lightning aren't doing so well they're kind of an okay team come out to one of my shows is what i'm saying january eighth ninth or tenth if you saw my uh

last hour special i wrote a brand new hour of stuff and i'm also going to be at the improv in houston texas on uh january 22nd through the 24th and then i'm making a hometown stop in boston at the wilbur theater on february the sixth i really hope you guys can come out um i'm going to be really rested up over the holidays so i'm going to be extra funny i guarantee it and uh and that is it i didn't quite get a chance to get to some of this shit i got a couple of nice reviews on my podcast here this is all garbage time you don't have to listen to this shit but here's a couple of nice reviews i got and then i have another one another segment that i like to call back down to earth where somebody trashes me so here we go here's a couple of nice one um thanks

for making me laugh all day long i just finished listening to all of your podcast how the fuck did you do that i'm trying to get my wife to listen to them but she doesn't think it's as funny as i think they are anytime i have my headphones on and i'm laughing she says are you listening to your boyfriend bill too funny keep up the great work don't you love when fucking women do shit like that look at that she's jealous she's jealous that you know what you should play this part for her what's her name give me your name next week i'll have i'll give her a little talking to you know and i'll be nice even though she doesn't think i'm that funny you know this look if you want to hold on you know i'm gonna do it right now sweetheart if you want to hold on to your boyfriend

you can't suffocate him all right if he likes walking around listening to another man and his headphones you know share it's a little gay i understand that you know he's getting in touch with his feminine side all right but what you need to do is you need to be an adult here okay you have to understand that no matter how stupid you think it is it's one of his hobbies and you have to respect that okay don't do what jennifer lopez did to ben afleck during their year and a half relationship what are you gonna do dress him up like a little kendall stick him in a tuxedo huh he can walk around smiling pretending he's happy and everybody sees the misery behind his eyes you know and then one day you know you just you just yeah i don't know you just see him

crouched over in front of his laptop looking at porn or just something something awful and you're gonna blame him you're gonna blame his childhood you know what it's you lady all right so why don't you back off during the holidays okay all right next one hey bill i think your podcast should come with the public service disclaimer since i fly a lot i catch up on your podcast during flights dude i get such a kick out of this that people are actually downloading these things and listening to them this is really cool so anyways on a plane he says i sat next to this older lady during a recent flight back from portland it was your podcast about chips in the 20 car pile ups i was frigging laughing so hard i couldn't breathe i thought i was going to be escorted off the

flight by air marshals this poor lady must have thought i was a some psycho all right see that's awesome that makes me feel good next one one more good one and then i'm going to bring myself back down to earth for somebody who trashed me all right bill then yesterday uh oh this is the same one yesterday i was with my older daughter and we were listening in the car this was a podcast about being a boxer and reacting to punches by shrugging your shoulders and turning your head oh yeah that's how i react when somebody tries to punch me in the face i don't try to slip the punch i just bring my shoulders up to ear level and then i turned my head away that's why i never want to fight anyways he said uh we were both crying and gassing for air i could barely see the car in front of me

good god more people they should not be in public uh or operating heavy machinery when listening all right so that's the good review section now here is the back down to earth section of the podcast bill glad to see you've been working on your reading out loud skills you sound like a special ed kid that didn't bother getting out of the short bus when it arrived at school i wonder how many times you've been in public places reading out the podcast questions into your phone and people have walked by and thought oh how nice the mentally challenged man over there is learning to read i guess he's really coming along because he he's only sounding out every other word you know it's great about that not only is that absolutely correct i actually had difficulty

reading out loud the thing that he said insulting me saying i can't read out loud well too shake too shady buddy um anyways happy holidays to everybody merry christmas happy hanukkah happy kwanzaa and if you don't celebrate any of it i hope you have a good break all the rest of us are spending money on people that we resent on some level um that is it um let me know your new year's resolutions please keep the podcast questions coming and i hope in january i can have some sort of update on my european tour that i'm going to be doing um next year so for my seven listeners in the uk i don't know if you guys celebrate do you guys have jesus over there i know you have mcdonald's all right god bless take it easy talk to you next monday

maybe somewhere down the road away you think of me and wonder where i am these days fine maybe somewhere down the road when somebody plays purple hay even when food comes to show if you got someone to love but it's all right everything i work out fine well it's all right we're going to the end of the line don't have to be ashamed of the car i drive

i'm just glad to be here happy to be alive and it don't matter if you're by my side i'm satisfied well it's all right even if you're old and gray well it's all right you still got something to say well it's all right remember to live and live live well it's all right best you can do is work you well it's all right riding around in the breeze well it's all right if you like to laugh you please well it's all right

even if the sun don't shine well it's all right we're going to the end of the line oh warm things up this spring with a trip to serrillas where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from ns novelties described as small but mighty the rose is 25 off this month at serrillas along with all ns novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite tip less size shop serrillas in indianapolis with six area locations and in anderson or shop online anytime at serrillas.com