Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-23-21

Episode Date: December 24, 2021

Bill rambles with Jim Gaffigan which turns into a complete back and forth trashing. PART II Get $50 off any purchase of $399 or more by using promo code burr at Indochino.com. That’s $50 off a purchase of $399 or more at Indochino.com, promo code burr

COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back. Truth is, our community deserves better. Better resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted.

Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. You know what I fucking can't stand? I hate horror movies I hate because I totally buy in and every one of them scares the shit out of me. Oh, really? And then I also hate in the third act when the problem has been resolved

and then they add just one more fucking hurdle. It's like, Jesus fucking Christ. Can we get out of here? Yeah. He's getting up again. You just hit him with a fucking machete. It's over. Yeah, it's like you guys are celebrating the victory too much

and there's at least five minutes left. They're like, well, we know. Like, why do we know? It's a great one. If they still had like DVDs and I had a DVD player that could talk to my TV because I guess that's what the problem is is police squad with Leslie Nielsen.

And they did a great thing. Like they used to make fun of so many tropes. So they were doing this thing. Well, you know that camera angle like when a cop would be leaning down talking on the intercom, you know, get me this, that, blah, blah, blah. And they're shooting up like that.

So as he's doing that, they're doing the whole fucking thing like that. And then they cut to the wide and he's talking to like a midget. And the guy's like, okay, boss, I got it. And he fucking walks out. She's fucking hilarious. No, it's just.

Or a little person you're supposed to say now. By the way, I, the Halloween movies, they keep doing them. There's a lot. I know. And the level of anger though. I feel like people like the first one. They liked the second one.

Then I remember they did season of the witch and everybody. I mean, that's when I was in high school. That movie can suck my dick. Mike Myers wasn't even in the fucking thing. And that just buried that franchise. But then it came. Well, everything's coming back.

That fuck they rebooted Dexter. Didn't they catch him in the other one? No. It was. I tapped out when he started. When he had like a, they turned it into like a buddy movie. Like he was killing people with somebody else. Yeah.

Jimmy Smith's. That's when I was just like, all right. I, yeah. The last season. This is like midnight run meets Henry portrait of a. The last season of Dexter was like, I was like, having everyone who's worked on a show. You're like, oh, they just kind of phoned it in.

Oh no. When he started hooking up with his sister. When they started having, I was just like, what the fuck? I'm out of here. Yeah. Well, he was married to her in real life, I think. So?

Yeah. That doesn't mean they should bang on the show. No, I know. No. Well, wasn't it a fake? It was a fake sister. Like he was adopted. Wasn't he?

Listen, I didn't stick around to find out. I remember watching that episode with my wife. We both looked at each other like, what the fuck? And I never watched it again. That was kind of like, there was that whole thing of, you know, like there's different kind of topics and stand-up that become really big. There was, that was the year or two where there was,

cause that was, Game of Thrones had the lesbian story, not lesbian, but like the incest story. And you're like, eh. Oh, they tried to make that. Maybe this is incest. Yeah. I think incest was. You know, they went through that sitcom, rom-com.

Remember? Incest-com. No, remember in like the 90s or late 90s, there were comedians that would try and work the N-word into a joke. Oh yeah, like the Lenny Bruce credibility. They were like, we're gonna try and mix it up. I'm like, what?

What are you doing? No, there was a few like things that white comics thought if they did it on stage, it made them badass. I bought into that shit like trying to do an AIDS joke. AIDS isn't funny. Oh yeah. Yeah. Watch this.

Yeah. Bond. It bombed. It bombed. Well, you know, I think when you're younger, you know, when you first start out, that's why like, I never like, you know, comics in like the 20s, right into like the mid 30s, you're still trying to,

I feel you're trying to figure out, you know, who you are, what you're gonna be doing, what you're gonna be talking about. So you just try different styles. So like if I see something and all of a sudden out of nowhere, they're the leather jacket comic. I'm like, all right, I went through that phase. Everybody goes through that.

Am I the next Bill Hicks? I guess I'm not. No, no, or you. Or whoever is hot right now is, you'll see up-and-comer comics. You're like, oh well, there's somebody doing Todd Berry, there's somebody doing Mitch Hedberg. Whoever is, but like whoever is super hot right now.

So like the super hot one would be people doing Malini, you know what I mean, stuff like that. Oh, is that really, you know, the first time I ever worked with Malini, I think the only weekend I ever did, he either opened or featured for me. It's Zany's in Chicago. That little great little room.

And I don't think I've ever seen somebody as big a no-brainer that that guy's gonna be huge. He was, I swear to God, I feel like he was as good as he is now then. He went on stage and I was watching him. I was like, this guy sounds like a broadcaster. Like he's been on TV. He already sounded like he'd been on TV for like 20 years.

Right. I'd never seen anything like that. And like, you know, there's been people where, you know, they'll book something. I was like, holy shit, you know, so-and-so got that, that's amazing. Him, I wasn't surprised or anything. I was like, oh yeah, totally.

That makes sense. My big surprise was him, I thought like he was gonna get weekend update. I was like, oh my God, he'd be a fucking monster on that on SNL. Oh wow. Yeah, I thought that that was the next move in that whole thing.

But I think everything worked out for post-shows, both people. Yeah, yeah. So we're talking entertainment here, with Jim Gaffigan, we're talking movies. It's like, we gotta see the two shot of seeing these two. Like it looks like a joke, how white we are. No, it does, yeah.

Nobody would look this white. If people didn't notice his comedians, they'd see that ATC and they'd be like, all right, Aryan, fuck. Time capsule. It's something. It's like, this is like. It's Aryan time capsule.

We're gonna take it back when America was great. All right, we're talking Minnesota high school hockey. Oh man. So you're here to promote something. I know you just didn't come out here and to shoot the shit with me. I am. It's flattered.

No, I appreciate you letting me come on. It was a tough decision. Well, you know, I'm doing a special on Netflix and it's coming out. Oh, did you go home to mommy? I went home. Is that what you said? I begged Ted to take me back

and he was like, who are you? No, I. You were 93 specials ago. And I was like, yeah, you know, and so we'll see what happens. You know what I mean? I think it'll be all right. You know.

Are you touring in 2022? I had a bunch of shows rescheduled that, well, so it looks like January I'm off. I was supposed to do some shows in the Middle East, but I don't know with the latest thing if everything's gonna shut down over there. No, all right. International travel wise, but are you going out?

Yeah, cause I realized that people are just gonna do whatever they want to do. Yeah, yeah. So I mean, at some point I have bills like anybody else. So I'm just gonna do it. And I'm gonna do it how I want to do it. And people, you know, don't like that you gotta, you know, be vaxed or whatever.

I totally get it. There's comics doing shows that you don't have to be. They'll go see them. I think it'll all work out. And I think eventually doctors will figure out how to beat this thing like they do everything. Yeah, and you know, and that whole fucking false thing they fucking,

I don't know, HPV, they just fucking knocked that out. Yeah. They can grow an ear in a Petri dish. Like I don't think you're really giving these guys the fucking credit they deserve. And you know, we've always done, you know, like you perform it at some casinos and they won't let people in that are under the age of 18

or 21, you're like, well, there's nothing I can do. Making people shoot shit into their body. I understand if you're fucking paranoid and stuff like that. I mean, pharmaceutical companies also did come up with synthetic heroin and killed a bunch of Americans and nothing happened to them. So I can understand on some level that, you know, people,

you know, I don't know. I just think the thing about me with this thing is that because it affects everybody, they don't want to kill everybody. Then they have to dig their own ditches, right? Yeah. I don't know. I just said, fuck it, dude.

I use those self-checkout things now. I used to say, hey, fuck this, I'm not worth that. I just don't give a fuck anymore because I gave a fuck and giving a fuck is exhausting because no one else comes along. And then you just standing out there at the front of the Titanic, taking that fucking iceberg in the face.

You know, I put in my time. I gave a fuck. I passed the fucking, you know, I pass it on to somebody else can fucking fight that fight. I'm done with it. Yeah. I just want to sit on my back porch and stare at the fucking trees.

I really do. Yeah. For about like a good three months. I think that would do wonders for me. It is amazing how the lockdown, we rented a place in Westchester and it's how quickly I was like, I just like gardening. Like it just was, it didn't take long for me to be like,

I like putting my hand in mud. Yeah. I didn't think about stand up. The whole lockdown happened in March. I didn't think about it at all in April and May. And as far as I was kind of like, oh God, I kind of need a break, man. I kind of was going for 30 straight years.

And then by June, I had this really scary thing where like, I wasn't even thinking about it. And I was like, oh my God, this is how people stop doing stand up. It's that easy. I used to think it was gonna be like kicking and screaming. It is as easy as just not doing it for three months.

And then you just fucking move on to something else. Cause I can tell you dude, I could literally eat, drink and smoke myself to death with enough time off. I could literally do it. If I didn't have kids and all that type of shit, I could, there's a 600 pound person in me. I would be a fucking house and I would be love.

I mean, it'd be a hell of a way to go out. There's something to be said about that though, by the way. Enjoying the way out. Just dying at 58 and every slice. You wanna have slice of pizza? Yes, I do. Yeah.

And just fucking, you want a cupcake? Ah, I'd love one, you know. Got all this salt in me. Why the fuck not? If you tried this bourbon, no, I haven't. I would love some. Would you like another glass? I would.

Yeah. You smoke cigarettes? Just not. I do. Not just editing at all. Not editing at all. Watching me TV, all of these guys would fucking drop

at 58, 60. And I remember hearing like, Jackie Gleason was like that. Like his doctor, you gotta take the weight up, you gotta quit smoking. He was like, look, doc, I'm gonna do what I wanna do. I'm gonna enjoy life in the day I fucking drops, the day I drop.

And, you know, I look at it this way. It's your life, it's also your depth. So if that's how you wanna fucking do it, then, you know, you know, go ahead and do it. Same thing, that's how I look at this shit now. I mean, if you wanna fucking not get vaccinated, you wanna risk getting this shit,

I don't wanna get it. Yeah. I don't wanna get the shit. And like, you don't know the long-term side effects of the vaccine. We both know somebody that got it twice. And it's no fucking joke. It's no-

I don't know who you're talking about. I know a guy who got it twice. And then when I saw him, he was still not wearing a mask. And I was just like, dude, I got the antibodies. I go, but dude, there's a new variant out there. It's just like- No, if it's the same guy I'm talking about,

he was, I, you know, like I was like, I hope you feel better. And he goes, it is no, like if it's just a tax, he's like, it is no joke. He goes, this is like so, and this is round two.

So I think it's, I might be thinking this. My heart doctor today was talking to me about going on rounds with people on ventilators, just going like, you knew they were gonna die. Like they would invert them, instead of getting bed sores on their ass, they were getting them on their face. Dude, it was fucking horrific.

And I'm like, Jesus Christ. He goes, yeah. Cause he goes, do you get the booster yet? I go, I'm gonna, I'm this far in. You know? I think, do you have to wait till six months? Or? I don't know.

I don't know. I just cut to a week from now, me on a ventilator. You don't have to wait. I know. And it's just like, yeah. You don't have to wait. I know, and then people get vaxed and then they still fucking get it.

So I get vaxed and I just still wear the fucking mask. That's what I do. I kind of like wearing the mask though. I, you know, I think it's funny how like I was on a bus tour and I swear I was the only one with a mask and people would look at me like I was wearing a dress. They're like, why are you doing with the mask? I'm like, there's a pandemic.

It doesn't bother me at all. If I'm the only one wearing a mask, I don't give a fuck. I don't. I actually enjoy it. I enjoy it. And I just know that, oh, you know, I've gone to like fucking NFL football. I just tested negative again.

I go to NFL football games. I just fucking wear a mask. Yeah, were you in Green Bay when I was there the night before? Yeah, I was in Milwaukee and then I drove up to go to the Seahawks Packers game. Great game. It snowed.

I was in the lower bowl, like the original place. That's where I wanted to sit, you know, where those people froze their asses off during the ice bowl. Cowboys was Packers way back in the day. Who was it? Was it Bart Starr snuck over or was it Paul Horning? I can't remember. And so you'll go, you love, you love,

you'll go to how many games a year? I don't go the way as much as I used to go because... And who did you go with? I have something to do now. Yeah. You, like, did you go with your opener or whoever happened to open with you? Yeah, I went with Nate Craig and Joe Bartnick.

Club Soda Kenny. We had a, and then I had all my buddies from high school were out there. There you go. Yeah, so we had a crew and we just went out and just were fucking, just laughing our asses off, had a great time and then we all were just sitting there like, dude, we're at Lambeau Field, man.

This is amazing. It was amazing. And, you know, Milwaukee's one of my favorite cities. Yeah, it's amazing. Like, I could live there. Like, if I was more, I don't know, I don't know what, established, I don't know how you put it. Like, I never quite feel like, you know,

those people- Well, I'm Milwaukee because I spend so much time in Milwaukee. I love it, but like- Because it's Chicago without all the people. You still could buy something on Lake Michigan and be living on a lake. I mean, dude, living on a lake, people swim in the ocean around there,

fuckin' minds, you gotta go into a lake, right? You sound like, that's something that someone from Wisconsin would say, you have to be on a lake. Cause there's also other lakes. Oh, Minnesota's another lake, but that's a little too landlocked. But if you get up towards Lake Superior, man, it's just like, this people,

it's like they live on the moon up there. I did, was it Duluth? Yeah, I did that up there. Granted, like 20 years ago, and it's just like, I mean, you're on your own out there. Like, guns make sense when you're out there. Cause I said, who the fuck are you gonna call? Yeah.

It's gonna take them 20 minutes to get up to your fuckin' driveway. Your driveway's like a quarter mile long, everybody's gonna be chopped up. You definitely need an SUV too. Yeah. You need all of that shit. You need an axe, you need those old farming tools.

All of that shit. What are those thrashers? What the fuck you call those things? Sickle. Sickle. Sickle. How old are you when you got your first sickle? Isn't that sort of a rite of pastures?

Yeah, you get your sickle. I figure I got it at my first. When you, when you, when you, you Aryan farm boys get bar mitzvah, and you get your first sickle. Your first clan meeting would give you a sickle. No. No, I, you know, I did some, I mean, there were-

Were your popsicles shaped like sickles? No, my, you know, I grew up around, but I grew up in kind of a rust belt area where there was farmland. It was like where the rust belt met the farmland. So there was- How white was it? Were you allowed to eat chocolate ice cream?

We were not allowed to eat chocolate ice cream. Just had to be vanilla bean. Northwest Indiana is not as white as the rest of Indiana. So Northwest Indiana is like- So did you have like a break dance crew? Like it was something like that going on? No, I didn't. Okay, sorry.

But like, you know, like, yeah, Gary's African-American, but like it was very segregated. Like where you grew up, it was very segregated. You don't gotta throw Massachusetts on the bus. You know, it was very segregated, you know, like where you grew up and- It's a lot of ignorance, like in your own family. But like, you know, there was a lot of Mexican-Americans.

There's a lot of, there was, it was a mix because of the steel mills. But like, then all the steel mills shut down. So there was a lot of anger similar to where you grew up. You know? Dude, that's a funny bit. Where you own up to your state's mistakes while just shaking-

But you know, like, I, you know, cause I, here's- All right, Indochino! All right, personal style can define you as a person and help you express yourself. And the end of the year is a great time to take a look at your closet and decide what's working, and what's not. Indochino can get your closet where you want it to be

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because I also have this theory. I like to keep, you know, I got shit to do too. I have this theory that like, you know, they always talk about like musicians wanting to be comedians and all this stuff, but like, I think that all comedians have identity crisis, or have an identity crisis. What is an identity crisis?

So, well, an identity or where they adopt a different identity than who they are. So like, I remember I used to give Chappelle a tell shit. Like, I'm like, you know, like, you're from Great Neck. You're not like from like the Lower East Side in the 1960s. You're like a nice Jewish boy from Long Island. And the thing is, is there's no one more authentic than David Tell, that's, don't misinterpret that.

But there is something about this, you know, like I'm an upper middle class guy, but because I'm Indiana, because I'm so white bread looking, I'm much more Midwestern than anything. Do you know what I mean? It's like, there's so like, if you go around and- Well, that's different, that's different. That's somebody looking at you

and then judging you saying you're that. Yeah, yeah. But you know, like, oh, dude, I remember one time this comma got mad at me. She got mad at me. Why? She found out my dad was like a dentist. Yeah.

She goes, oh, so your whole ex bullshit. Like, cause she looked at me like, I think she watched Goodwill Hunting or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just like, first of all, I never fucking said, you just looked at me and thought that was that.

And then, also, then her idea of like, she was still way off. Well, and also- She was still way off cause then she's like, oh, you fucking, you know, fucking trust fund kid. It's like, no, I paid for my college. Yeah, I tried- I did, you know, I fucking had a job from third grade on, you know,

like I'm not getting into my whole family fucking history, but it was just like, I mean, some things could have been easier, but you know, you gotta make the right fucking moves. And if you don't- Well, and I also, like, I tried to, you know, this is just like another kernel of, and some of it is, you should do that

finding your roots thing with Lewis Gates. It's amazing, Dr. Lewis Gates. It is unbelievable, you should do it. I was feeling fine, the white people are boring. Yeah, well, of course it is compared to- Oh, my dad was a baker, wow. That's something. No, but- That's amazing.

Oh, man, I'm sorry, man, great grandfather. And then I saw the one with Pharrell on it. And they were like- On this next page, we're gonna show you the white man that owned your ancestors, dude. And he had to walk away. And the most funny, the intercutting with this white guy, who was just going like-

Hi, how are you doing? And then they, just, she was really into making flags. She was- You gotta watch, it's over. Cause you gotta watch- I don't, you could just tell me what happens. You could save me eight hours- Well, it's about, it's about,

it's about how the understanding of the Civil War is, has shaped everyone. So like people, you know, small African-American communities in Mississippi don't learn about it. And people in the Northeast hear a different version of it. And then like white people from the suburbs of Atlanta hear a different thing.

And nobody hears, you know, is it constructive to say the flat out truth about every detail? Or are we harping on it? Or is it instructive? It becomes, it becomes perspective though. Well, I think it's necessary. No, I'm saying, it's saying it's like,

if we're watching the game and we see a call and it's on your team, I'm like, good call, you're like bad call. So like, how do you find out who's telling the truth what that level of prejudice involved? Yeah, but I think that there is like the revisionist history portraying the Civil War as like a battle of states' rights is dishonest when it was about slavery.

I mean, look, there's two Dakotas because the South wanted to have a certain number of slave states. That's the only reason why there's two Dakotas. This wasn't in the documentary. Is that they were like, then they're both gonna be, then we're having these two states. It's like, it's not like people looked at the Dakota

territories and said, oh, we need to, we need Bob to have his own state and Sam to have his own state. It was all politics. And it was, you know, it was this, it's a complex ugly thing that we're still dealing with. No, that's not, that is fascinating. Yeah, that is fascinating.

Do you know that building in New York? Do you know why that's called the Dakota? No. Because when they built it, there was literally nothing between it and where everybody was settled down around Wall Street. So it was a joke that you were going, they used to call that part of New York the Dakotas.

Oh my God, really? So they just named it the Dakota, yeah. That's what I heard. Oh, wow. I don't know if that's true. That's crazy. All right. If you just said, oh, wow, that's interesting.

I would have gone with it. And then you were like, is that true? I'd be like, oh, fuck. I've heard that a long time ago. No, I've heard a lot of stuff. You know, you know, Bowrie? Supposedly Hobo is short for the people that live around Houston and Bowrie.

Hobo. Right. Isn't that interesting? I thought you were gonna say where the word Hobo came from. That is where the word Hobo came from, Houston and Bowrie. Oh.

Because the Bowrie's always been kind of a shit show. A shit show. Yeah. All right, I got one for me. Right where the Flatiron building is. There's that park. And you look, there's like those three buildings, giant buildings.

And one of them looks like the top was literally cut off. Yeah. That building was supposed to be bigger than the entire state building. But then the depression hit and they ran out of money. So they said, fuck it. And they just put a roof on it. Oh, wow.

Triangle shirt waste fire? Probably what? That's brutal. That's a brutal one. That's really brutal. Yeah. Have you been to the Tenement Museum in New York? You should check that out.

Did you get tuberculosis on the way? No, it is no joke. It's, you know, it's like. No, it's brutal. If you lived in New York, you're like, this is actually an apartment I lived in in the 90s. But. Oh, I did.

I lived in a fucking railroad apartment. Like. Yeah. I mean, dude, you could literally drop your wallet between the fucking floorboards in some areas. Yeah. Yeah, I used to heat my apartment by turning on the water.

There was no tub when I moved into my apartment. How about the tub in the kitchen? Yeah, that's. The tub in the kitchen. I had taken it out. So I had to put one back in. I had to put a tub in and then, you know, the thing for shower. Do you know how to do that?

A shower? Yeah, I know how to shower. No, do you know how to put a tub in? Did you put it in? Do I not? No, I didn't do it. I was gonna say that was amazing. See, I was buying into the Midwest guy.

No. No, I'm not handing it off. Barefoot without. I guess that makes me half a man. But that's all right. There's somebody to do it. There is. There is somebody.

But in the great apocalypse, you're gonna be ready. I'm not gonna be ready. I don't know how to fix shit. You don't? I thought you were a handy guy. I can't put in a fucking tub. I mean, if you give me some YouTube videos, I can figure a lot of shit out.

If this video is somebody showing me how to do it. Yeah. What I can do is I can fly you to safety in a helicopter. That's pretty amazing. Yeah. I mean, I can drop you off. I don't know how to start a fire once we get there. Do you?

Do you? How often do you helicopter to shows? Never, it's stressful. It's stressful. It's stressful because... And you do not helicopter at night or people do? I'm saying helicopter. Do you go helicoptering?

Do you guys helicopter? Do you summer in France? Do you helicopter? It's, I don't like flying at night. Yeah. If you had an engine failure and you're over like, and there's no street lights or anything down there, you don't know if that's flat land, water, trees.

You just, there's just too much shit. So I fly, I'll fly at night if I'm with, if I have a co-pilot, I'll do that. And I've done that and I've flown to gigs, you know, to Vegas and some down San Diego. I've flown up to San Francisco. Man, that was a blast. You helicoptered there?

I helicoptered there. Yeah, rented a helicopter. And then we flew around Alcatraz, San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge and came back. It was fucking amazing. That was amazing. But like, to just like... You know, they have like tours that do that too.

But like you, but you flying it yourself. Yeah, but I'm flying it. Yeah. And so what is the helicopter? That was one of the stupid, like saying to Tom Brady, you know, you could just sit and watch somebody play football. No, no. Rather than having the Russia win in the game.

Not to be grandiose, but like... When I fly a helicopter, I'm like Tom Brady of aviation. I am. I am. That is some Tom Brady shit. To get in a fucking helicopter, fly around fucking Alcatraz and then Golden Gate Bridge

is fucking some Tom Brady shit if you're not gonna do that. It is. It is. Because of the wind current and all that? Because of the wind current when a helicoptering? When you... I don't know how I'm exhausting your imagination. No, you're not.

You're being a cunt. You're being a cunt and I'm taking the bait. So me... I know how to get out of here. I'm like the Tom Brady of like eating deep dish pizza. No, but like... You're the Tom Brady of throwing your opener under the bus. You're like Peyton Manning.

How is that? We have protection issues. How is that throwing something? Oh, you have a great metabolism. That's like throwing someone out of the bus. That's not what you said. What did I say? You go fucking back and watch it

because you're just gonna disagree with me. You're like, oh, that fucking guy can fucking do anything. He can! That's what you were saying. I think that's a compliment. But all right. So all right, you're helicoptering too. And nothing to do with Tom.

You were justifying the shape that you're in. That's what you were doing. There you go. Make that noise. You literally moved four inches. I have a huge... It sounded like you were picking up a fucking home safe. When I'm dead in a week,

you're gonna feel bad that you were mean to me. I won't. Yeah, you will. I won't. I know underneath that heart and stereo is a little boy. I'll send the whitest lilies I can find to your wake. Good old boy. All right, I gotta get out of here.

I gotta go and do something. Yeah, call Todd Glass and make him feel bad about himself. Unbelievable. I mean, honestly, one of the most lovable guys I've ever met in my life. It's impossible. I thought before this podcast, it was impossible to hate Todd Glass,

but you really found an angle. I love, you know, I love this good old fashion. There's some guilt trip coming at me. I didn't know your family, you were raised Catholic, huh? I'm feeling some of that guilt, some of that Catholic guilt. That was all bullshit. You just pulled that out of your ass. Catholic guilt.

What does Catholic guilt have to do with the fact that you trashed Todd Glass? Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. So your great-grandfather killed Alexander Hamilton? Just out of curiosity, how would I have any guilt about what you said about Todd Glass? And I'm the motherfucker who killed him, what?

How would I have any guilt about what you said about Todd Glass? Like, how were you applying that? No, I'm applying you trying to give me guilt about this Todd Glass thing. That's how we assert power. A lot of people don't even realize that I am Bill's therapist.

And you might as well just come out with it and tell people they're your therapist. Yeah, that's why I'm still so fucked up. Because he's not really board certified. I'm not gonna fix you, Bill. You're gonna fix yourself. You have to fix yourself. And saying that for fucking 20 years.

Now, I believe our time is up. And I wanted to talk to you about raising our rate. What you're doing is putting yourself in a position of power on my podcast. You think so? Which is really- Is that rude? Which just shows me how small that you are as a person.

Is that why you eat so much? To try to stay up here bigger? Now, Bill, did you find after you were being generous to this childhood friend of yours, the early year of comedy, did you find yourself pushing him away at the end? Did you find that? I don't know what you're talking about.

A little bit, a little bit. Oh, you're talking about you? Oh, is this still about you? This is why I know I need to get a new therapist when you're weaving yourself into the narrative of my life. Yeah. So how often do you go? Once a week?

You don't care. I do care. I should go back to therapy. Dude, you could commit a murder. There's a lot of anger, right? There really is. Who has my anger? I know-

Me or you? First of all, what really counts is who's scarier. Dude, there's no way I'd ever let you get those farm hands on me. This just- Farm hands. Yeah, you guys can literally fucking change a tire. Look at how beautiful I look.

You could change a tire with like a crescent wrench. Just fucking come up and just, just fucking turn it like that. I'm like running. I got to get that piece of pipe. Give me a bunny to hold down. I want to play a, I want to play a murderer. Did you used to play chicken in your,

in your souped up cars, you know, in the high school, in the back road? No, that was- Some girl would go whee! That's called American graffiti. And they were in the Senate? That's the beat, that's in Greece. Weren't you in that?

I was, I was in that. All right, we can, we should have another session where we talk about how we love acting. Cause I think we both love acting. Yeah, we do. It would have been nice if you found common ground earlier in this episode, instead of attacking me.

See now you're- Going after my religion, you fucking piece of shit. Are you Protestant? I'll fucking bury you in that fucking, behind that sign, if I find out you're Protestant. Bill, I think-

We do not get along. I think- Will you stop it with your fucking act, only you're not an angry person with your little fucking voice there? You know what? I think we're going to find out. I'm not saying-

Do you know you and Mario Batali have the exact same hands? What are you talking about? I used to love watching Mario, Molto Mario, when he would make the pasta with the well method. I got to know his hands. He has those fucking sausage fingers.

Are you attacking my hands? I'm a hand model. No, like, when we do- When they do genetic research, they're going to find out that like, your ancestors would be mean to Catholics. And then the only way they escaped, like, you know,

like your ancestors did January 6th. That's what we're going to find out. Oh, like my third cousins? Aaron Burr shot then, you know- Those people on January 6th were heroes. They were, you know, look, they're not coming to my shows. Listen, I'll tell you this,

that guy with the buffalo head, as much as everybody made fun of him, he was about 15 minutes away from being a face on our money for the next 200 years. Like, how fucking close they came. They just had no plan. They got in there. They did it.

People were not ready. Can I point something out? I don't know if I brought this up. Our fucking nation's capital got taken over by a tailgate. That's what it looked like. It looked like a bunch of people tailgating decided to rush a governmental building and no one was ready for it.

It is, you know, what's so funny is the, during the whole Trump administration where they were like talking about, like, you know, Hillary's going to jail. Next week, Hillary's gonna go to jail. They're gonna put, and everyone was like, yeah, that's ridiculous. And then all the other people were like,

once Trump's out of office, he's going to jail. All the Trump people are going to jail. And all the people on the right are like, yeah, right, and we're both idiots. Cause it's like, there's no consequences. Like, I don't think anything's gonna happen, except for like, I just liked those people when they wouldn't,

they wouldn't let them on the plans. And they're like, they're calling me a terrorist. It's just like, are you aware of what you just did? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, this is, We went in there and we wanted to kill Nancy Pelosi. And they were mad that we were going to do that. They were mad that.

Yeah, that's like when I used to booze and drive. I got pulled over. They're saying I'm a drunk driver. Buddy, you blew a fucking one. You're saying I have pale skin and it's not fair. But having said that, I don't judge the right for that. Any more than I judge the left when you see lunatic left. It's just the loonies.

Or is what the news pays attention to because the audiences are so splintered because there are a million things to watch out there that they actually have to give these people screen times cause everybody slows down to watch a train wreck. I think 85% of people are in the middle, hoping the people on the extreme right and left are gonna fucking settle down.

That's what I think. Yeah. You don't think so? You don't like that cause that sounded smart. I think that there's, I think that comparing, you know, Trump stuff to Biden's a false comparison. I think it's a completely, I don't care if, I don't care if Biden's corpse was in charge.

I can't tell if you're doing a bit. I'm not kidding. I would rather have Biden's corpse. I didn't say anything about fucking that fucking warmonger with dementia. I was talking about extreme left people. Yeah, but what I, oh, like, yeah, no, but I'm just saying that like.

That's what I'm talking about. People want to end your career cause you used the wrong fucking pronoun cause a new pronoun came out three days ago. Those fucking lunatics. Well, that, I just think that like, yeah, that, but like, I mean, I also believe that. Oh Jesus, we brought up politics.

Now we're gonna start arguing. All right. No, no, I think that like, all right, it's my, it's my friend, Nicarat. Look at these titties are nice. All right, I gotta go. I gotta go. I wish I didn't have to go.

We could do like a four hour one. Those are like, instead of Nicarat, is that like filled with like sausage grease? Is he getting yourself off of bangers and mash? I wish it was. I wish it was. All right. All right, thank you.

I had a fucking blast talking to you. This is great. This was great. Yeah, I could literally do like another five hours with you. We should, we should break a record. We should start shitting on each other. We should do like a, what's the longest one? We'll do 12 hours.

White on white crime. White, two white, it'll be event, an event. Two straight white guys talking. Explaining things. All right, well, this, Jim Gaffigan, your special comes out on Netflix on what day? December 21st. December 21st.

Wow, look at you trying to steal Jesus's birthday from him. Right? Yeah, who do you think you are? I don't know. I'm just a humble man. Humble man, you are. You're an every man.

I'm an every man. I'm just down to earth. You're that one, you're a Sears roebuck, you know? I'm down to earth. Riding lawn mower. You know, just down to earth. That's what you are. A regular guy.

He's gonna cut all this off. This is what I love about you. I always thought you were so relatable. You think I'm relatable? Yeah. I don't think there's anything special about you. You just come off so common to me. Did you find yourself pushing Jim away at the end?

I did. I was pushing him away at the end of the podcast. And why was that? Because I'm afraid we was gonna get too close. And that I would appear weak by being friends with a guy who had emotions. I think you're, first of all, you're putting yourself up on a pedestal

like you're not fucked. You're just projecting. I'm like the Tom Brady of helicoptering. You're like the most walled off person. I said that was some Tom Brady shit. I didn't say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, now, now. Hello, Kettle.

Pod, pod, Kettle. Oh God, could you not, could you at least come up with something real, Kettle? Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead. I'm the most walled off. There's all these comedians. Jim and Bill, both have boundaries that they can't seem to work through.

I don't know. Jim, I've known you for 25 years. I still have no idea what you think or feel about anything. I don't know how to feel. I need help. I just don't know how to be honest. I don't even know. You're so walled off, you're even mocking me

saying how fucking walled off you are. I have the same anger as you. I know you do. I said flying a helicopter for the record is some Tom Brady shit and it is. I didn't say it was, I didn't say it. Can I point something out? Flying, you're like flying in the helicopter

like people that like use my pronoun correctly, use my helicopter pronoun correctly. Oh, you're gonna throw me in that barrel? Oh, yeah, motherfucker. You're gonna throw me in that barrel? I'm like, it's, you know, it's some honest ribbing and we'll be right back. All right, that's it.

Jim Gaffigan, I love you, brother. Thank you, thank you. What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better NFL preview show sponsored by as always, Bet MGM, the most reliable name in betting, the most reliable lines, guys. As you know, the anything better podcast has teamed up a while back at the beginning

of the season with Bet MGM. Okay, and now we have deals for you. We have money makers for you, although we haven't hit any Monday night specials lately so I don't wanna get crazy, but we'll be using the lines to make all of our picks and we'll have special offers for our listeners each week. Okay, if you haven't signed up to Bet MGM yet,

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Just make sure you use bonus code BRR when you sign up. Guys, we are going into week 16, unfortunately dude, these are like pre-season games because of all the fucking COVID going on dude and with playoff implications. So it's pretty nuts. Oh, what are they, a bunch of guys around? Oh dude, players, teams have eight to six,

six to eight players out starting quarterbacks. I mean, it's fucked up. Okay, so last week, Bill, once again, Bill goes 500, keeping his record four games over 500. Bill is a two and two last week at 33, 26 and one. I am 32 and 28, four games above 500, went three and one last week and we are separated now by a game and a half

with three weeks to go. We missed the Monday night special again, so we have to regroup, man. We came close a couple of times, we hit it once. We're gonna have to regroup and take that one a little more. It's hard now with all of these guys being fucking out and all of that shit. Plus, I gotta be watching more football

if I'm gonna do well on this, but I just don't have the fucking time. All right, well, here we go. I had no idea the Rams front four was the way it was, man. They are impressive. All right, let's go. You go first? No, it is even week, so you go first.

All right, I'm gonna tell you this. Paul Verzi actually said to me, Bill, you know what? If you don't take the Patriots with the first fucking take, I'm gonna take them. And you know what I'm gonna say, Paul? I'm gonna defer it. I'm gonna take the ball in the second half.

I fucking hate this game. I absolutely hate this game, Paul, because we already beat the Bills and we beat the Bills because it was like 50. You listen to me when I'm talking to you, motherfucker. I'm listening. I gotta get the game. Throwing at your goddamn phone.

I gotta get the games. It was 50-not fucking wins. We threw the ball fucking two to three times. It was a complete anomaly of a game. The Bills, the light switch was on, it's off, and I feel like it's on again. I have no fucking idea what's gonna happen. I love what the Patriots did last week

after getting jumped on. Matt Jones throws two fucking picks and then he settles down, has the poise to come back, scare the shit out of him, gambled on a play and gave up a big run. I'm staying away from it. I'm gonna bet the team I should have bet last week. The New York Jets getting one at home

against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Wow. Well, you know what's funny is, I'm not taking the Patriots because I looked at that game after saying that and I'm afraid of how desperate the Bills are. So I'm not taking that game. But speaking of desperation.

It wasn't what I just told you. It's definitely not what you just told me. I was gonna tell you I'm not taking that game. You sent me a warning text yesterday. You were taking that game. Was it a warning or was it a cool fucking friend thing to do? That's what I thought it was.

Oh, taking your friend's team is not a cool thing on any of how you slice it. Well, that's why I said to you, but here's what I'm doing. No, no, no, no, no, no. Let's see, you just made yourself the hero in there, Paul. I don't think I like that. Well, first of all, you already stepped on my toes a couple of times taking the Patriots

when they're going on a wonderful run without calling me. And you can't just let you know, if you don't fuck your wife tomorrow, I'm gonna fuck her. That's basically what you did. Let's take it a little far. Dude, the Pittsburgh Steelers are playing for their lives. They're getting seven and-

They're playing for their playoff lives. They're playing for their lives. They're getting seven and a half points against the Chiefs. This is a fucking crazy game where it could be a blowout. But I just feel that the fact that they are in Pittsburgh, I believe they're in Pittsburgh. Let me make sure of that. If they're on the bottom, they're in Pittsburgh.

Yes. They are in Pittsburgh. No, they're not. They're in Kansas City getting seven and a half. Motherfucker. You know what? Tyreek Hill is out with COVID. Fuck it.

I'm taking the Pittsburgh Steelers getting seven and a half playing for their lives. Ben Loftusberger, this is his last year. And I think, because last year he's gonna go out in the playoffs, not in the regular season. I'm taking the Steelers with seven and a half against the Chiefs. All right, I gotta ask this, is Aaron Rodgers playing?

Yes. How about Baker Mayfield? Is he playing? I don't know. That I don't know. This week is just stupid. I'm gonna take the Green Bay Packers given seven and a half at home against the Cleveland Browns.

No Baker. For my second pick. No Baker. No Baker Mayfield, they're only getting seven and a half points, I don't know. As of right now, it says he's out. All right, go ahead. Okay.

I am gonna take, wait, who did Bill just take? Actually competing information. So six hours ago they said no, 36 minutes ago they said they anticipate Baker to play Saturday against the Packers. But yeah, so his quarantine expires on Friday so that's subject to change. But as of right now, it looks like it's a 51% chance

he's gonna play. Okay. All right, everybody's telling me, Paul, every time you take my San Francisco 49ers, they win, take it, take it, take it, but they're playing the Titans tonight and I'm scared of the game. I think what I'm gonna have to do is I think

I'm gonna have to take. Well, now why are you afraid of that game? I'm afraid of that game. Henry is out. I know Henry is out, but... Henry. Seems like the 49ers are different on the road than they are at home.

The Titans... Yeah, they never win at home. The Titans lost, Titans just lost and they need a win to keep up. I don't like the game, I'm not gonna touch it. I'm gonna take the, I'm gonna take the Chargers. You fucking asshole, God damn it, you do that to me every fucking week.

I'm gonna take the Chargers over the Texans, minus 10. That's a gift, that's a fucking win, you motherfucker. God damn it. Why did I say the Jets first? You never would have taken the fucking Jets. It was such a stupid move on my part. Dude, I've taken the Jets, I think, once this year, but no, the Jets have COVID issues.

There's all fucking, because Jets fans are bitching in New York going... Let me ask you a question. What in the fuck am I betting on here? Emblems? Everybody's out. You're betting on colors and logos, Bill. Ah, you bastard, that was my fucking, that was my,

that's my gift of the week, minus 10. Oh, there's a jinx right there. There's a fucking Texans... I'm saying that out of fucking kicking myself for not going first. I mean, not taking that first. You bastard. I hate all of these games.

I am gonna take... I guess Tom Brady didn't score any points last week, huh? I didn't even call him the buccaneers. I don't know, I don't know, I believe in the Rams. I believe in the Rams. Minus three against the Vikings. Even though it's in Minnesota, I don't believe in those fucking guys.

Oh fuck, if it's any consolation, that was my next pick. My thing, I was going Chargers, I was going Rams, I was going Jets, and then I had one other one. Oh, you were all Hollywood it up. You were going all Hollywood, New York, all the big markets. And then the mom and pop Green Bay. And then the mom and pop Green Bay. All right, so you're taking the Rams?

Yup. So that's my third one. So I gotta find one more in here, Paul. That isn't a fucking COVID crazy. Paul, leaving San Francisco, high and dry. I hope you don't get a fucking punchline day coming up. Those people were leaning on you. Dude, there's, dude, the three games I'm scared of.

The Bills, the Niners, and the fucking, the Colts, dude. The Colts are plus one. Oh my God, dude. Arizona is flailing. Yeah, what's going on with them? I was winning money on them all year. I'm taking the Tampa Bay Buccaneers minus 10. That's a polypick.

I got two picks minus 10 against the Carolina Panthers. I think Brady and them are just got beat up, not beat up, but they just lost nine, nothing to the Saints. Always good to see Tom pissed off in a pool. Always good to see Tom pissed off in a press conference and take them the next week. So I'll take the Bucs minus 10 against the Panthers. I like that.

I'm going to take the Saints plus one and a half Monday night football at home against the Dolphins. That's a great pick. If fucking, you know, if anybody's playing out there, was that Kamara kid out now that I just took it? I got one more, Andrew. Okay. So I have the, who do I have?

I have the Chargers. I have the Steelers. I have an asshole picks the Jets first. I was actually surprised. You know, you did because the Jaguar stink. It's probably not a bad pick. And it's a great pick, but I knew you were going to go with the fucking Chargers and I figured you also going to take

the Packers to try to get into your head a little bit. And so I was just like, I usually don't like your picks. I'm like, I like two teams. Paul likes this week. I hope he doesn't take them. Then my dumb ass says the Jets. Paul, this is why I didn't do well in school. Not go with math.

All right, dude. I got one more. Give me a second here. Teddy Bridgewater. I hope he's okay. He got carted off. He got carted off. What are you thinking about?

Bill's Patriots. I don't like it. Yeah, I have no idea. They played each other. It was a fucking stupid game. Guy kicks it on the bills. The guy kicks a fucking 30-yard field goal. It's good and gets blown sideways.

It's not a football game. It's a natural disaster. Oh, fuck. So you just pulled a knife out of your leg. Because these three games are really tough. This Colts Cardinals game is tough, dude. Yeah, you got to like, you know what it is about them? They're on the ropes.

And I'm worried like they're going to do that last, right? You know, if you see that in UFC, when a guy looks like he's going down, the guy runs in and then he fucking gives him a knee and the guy goes down. Colts got a hell of a running game. I'm taking the Indianapolis Colts, man. I want to see, listen, if Carson Wentz is going to do it,

he's going to do it now. This is his time. It's a prime time game. I'm going to see if he's going to keep running that kid. Jonathan Taylor, that running back. I'm going to take the Colts. I'm sorry Niners fans. I just, you know what?

It's too, it's tonight. It's too soon. I've been running around all day. I can't take the pressure. I'm going to, I feel like the Titans are fading. Both teams scare the shit out of me and I hate the line. It's such a perfect line on the road for San Francisco. Give me the Colts, Carson Wentz in the running game.

There you go. So what's going out there in the NFC West? Like the Arizona Cardinals had it. They might not even make the playoffs. Like if they lose this week, they might lose the, not even make the playoffs. Oh, you're scaring me. Should I change my pick?

No, I'm taking the Colts, man. That's because you're positive, Paul. You believe in people. You always think when they're backs against the wall, they're going to be like you and they're going to step it up. Well, that's what winners do. And I think that a team that wants to make the playoffs needs to do it.

Exactly. Exactly. All right. So there you guys have it. Man, that fucking charger bed. Oh, wait a minute, Bill. It's time for the what? Oh, let the Monday night special.

Who we got Monday night, Andrew? With some money for you. We got the, we got this. I hate when I bet Monday night and then I got to do Monday night special. I feel like it fucks with my, makes me question my bed here. I'll roll with you with the Saints though. I like that. You want to take the Saints on the money line?

Saints on the money line. Who the fuck is their court? Is it Tyrod Taylor? No, dude. No. Tyrod Taylor. No. No.

Strock. Tyron Taylor's with David Woodley. No, that kid. What's it could taste some hill? That kid had a crazy game last week. That kid's like a wide receiver running back quarterback. He's like a fucking fantasy. Which is what the 49 is.

I mean, the Saints have this to be a great game. No, that's what I mean. That's the he's the Saints. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm saying who do the. Who are you talking about to a to a. To Tom and Malopa. I totally fucked out.

Sounds like a UFC fighter to me. All right. Okay. So the Monday night special. Alvin Kamara rushes one. Maybe catches one. Wait, is Kamara playing with COVID is Kamara in. This we need to know because this is what we need to know.

Do da, do da. As of an hour ago, he might end up as a backup. All right. No, dude, what the what am I betting? What the fuck am I doing here? Yeah, I mean, I could have looked at all. I'm too fucking busy to look at this COVID shit. God damn it.

Okay. Kamara's backup. What do we got? Who? We got Raymond James. Dude, I'm scared. Stevenson. Dude, if I go on for this week, it's going to be devastating.

I'm taking too many points. Oh, and Ford is not fucking count this week. Nothing counts this week. You're fucking everybody's got the sniffles. Yeah. Anything this week, this week is called unpredictable. This should have been our by week. Um, let's do, let's do what's his name getting a touchdown pass to a.

He's got the mumps. He's not playing. Can you imagine, dude? You fucking getting married and you're going to Vegas on your bachelor party and you want to bet the NFL this week and you got this fucking COVID shit you got to deal with. Oh my God. Oh my God.

What he's playing. Who is to a to his plan. All right. So to a throws up touchdown. Is that the dolphins guy? Yeah. Or do you want to do two? It throws a pick.

He's, you know, Paul, you're going to have to do the Monday night special because I fucking bet New Orleans saints because I'm not going to be, I don't want anything good for the dolphins to happen. All right. Let's do this. All right. All right. Seven and a half.

Huh? 37 and a half is the old runners. You know, it's going over. You know what? It's in New Orleans. Let's do, let's do a Miami fumble. Recovered by the saints. All right.

That's been good all year on Miami fumble. Recovered by the saints. We'll take the saints and the money line and we'll take the over. How about that? The over just because I think it's just going to be a wild game. Okay. So that'll be a defense defense. Recovers fumble recover.

If they, we can get that. But, but, but MGM wants us to be specific. So the saints get a fumble recovery. All right. So here's everybody. By the way, you, you called the bills last week. What do you, what do you think you said was going to happen exactly? He said it was going to be a blood bath.

I mean, they won by like 15 or whatever. Right. Did they? Yeah. Did they, they came back. You won that one. Right. You talked to all this shit going there.

You know, a good team coming over the road. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's going to be an absolute blood bath. I mean, yeah, they kicked this. I mean, it was like 37 to 15. Right. I'm getting real tired of coming real close.

I'm getting tired of coming close to four and oh two weeks in a row. I'm getting tired of it. I need it, but whatever, I'll take three in one. I'm willing to bet the side. You're not going to do it. You've come close too many fucking times. I know six and two the last few weeks. The odds are against you.

The COVID Paul with that, with that flying the ointment, you could possibly do it, but you've gotten fucked on a cup. I'll tell you what that fucking game I was watching the other night, Seattle or something like that. What the fuck game was I watching? There was just some blatant pass interference. They weren't calling shit.

I know. I saw that game. I did. I got fucked the Washington football team. I almost had my giant screwed me too. What can you do? Listen, here's a Monday night special. So there's no confusion.

The Miami Dolphins are going to put it on the floor. It's going to be a recovery by the Saints. We're taking the Saints with the money line and we're taking the over. There you go. No confusion. It's the Monday at the top. I think it's going to be a while one as Bill calls it. It's the Monday night special.

Making what for people? Making money for you. We only hit two out of 16. It's that's better than most shows. Well, there you have it guys. That has been the week 16 preview. This is the Christmas edition. So we wish you all happy betting.

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Two days before Christmas. Have you finished your shopping yet? You know what? I haven't. I've been traveling so much. I actually drove to a mall the other day. And I looked inside. I've literally pulled up to this fucking thing. And there was so many...

I can't even say cunts. Just so many fucking people who were in the same situation I am. That they just had to go out and go buy shit. That they actually had people directing traffic. You know, like there was some sort of flood. They had those same sort of jackets on. Like I can see you from Mars kind of official. Please don't run me over.

I know where the supplies are. They had these jackets to direct people into the fucking baby gap. And I was trying to make the light. And I couldn't make... If I, you know, if I went to go make the light, then I would have blocked the road because I wasn't getting in. So I just had to wait. And I was sitting there.

It was the first car. And I just looked at the guys in the coat. I looked at people not moving in line. And I just said, I'm not fucking going in there. And I felt good. I felt good like the way when you used to... You know, when you'd skip school. You'd be the only way to school.

You didn't want to go. I don't want to fucking do that. I fucking hate this. I hate it. I don't want to do it. All right? I don't need to be taught beyond sixth grade. All right?

And I knew it when I was a kid. I knew it. When I was around sixth, seventh grade, I'm like, yeah, I got it. I got it. This is all I'm going to need in life. I'm not going to design a bridge. I'm not going to make a rocket ship.

You know? I'm not going to manage finance. I'm not going to use my brain. I'm just going to be walking around, reading signs, and figuring out, you know, how much a pack of gum and a fucking donut cost.

All right? I don't need algebra two and trigonometry. I don't need that shit. So then you just go, fuck this. I'm not going to school. And you leave. And it's fucking great. It's great initially.

And then there's that coming dread of like, you know, well, now I'm going to go back tomorrow. I'm going to have twice as much fucking work than I did today. Why did I just do that? And that's what I felt like when I drove away from the mall. You know?

I felt just like when I used to drive and when I was driving to school, my piece of shit car, and I would look at my high school, and I would be fighting my fucking hand. My whole arm as it was trying to turn into the school, I would literally, I guess I would be fighting it

to not just hold it straight and keep going. That's exactly how I felt at that mall. And I drove away. I drove away from that son of a bitch. All right? And here I am Monday, two days before Christmas. And what have I learned?

If you don't fucking go into that fucking goddamn cesspool, you're not going to have any gifts. And I know what you're thinking, oh, Bill, why don't you show up online? Why don't you show up online? Because I can't see it. I can't touch it.

It's just a fucking picture. I'm not doing that. And how much shit on here is, is bullshit on the internet? My podcast is bullshit. All right? Does that even make sense? I don't know what it means.

I'm not fucking going on virtual shopping. Ah, look at goddamn kids. Sounds like a fucking old man. So now, like the fucking asshole I am, I have to go to the mall today. December 23rd, when I should be sitting around with a nice sweater on, drinking some spiked eggnog,

you know, leaning up against the counter. I'm not getting choked up. I just smoked a cigar yesterday. Leaning up against the counter. All right? Yeah, I don't know. Fucking just leaning there. You know, people coming over to talk to me.

Loud music in the background with fire on. They're talking to me and I'm not listening, but I'm smiling and I'm nodding. You know, one of those smiles where you don't show your teeth. You know, you have the same smile as when a kid draws a smiley face on a stick figure. You just have that smile on your face and you just nod in your head.

Yeah, you're talking and I'm listening. And I'm agreeing. I'm agreeing. I don't give a shit what you're saying because I'm not fucking listening. Because I'm happy right now. Because I'm drinking eggnog. I'm getting a little glow going.

Little fucking glow going. I don't have to go to the mall. Everything's wrapped. It's under the tree. Go fuck yourself. I don't have any stand-up gigs. I ain't got shit to do until New Year's. You keep talking and I'm going to keep sitting here

with my little pinky stuck out as I drink out of these fancy little fucking tea cups that has my spiked eggnog in it. That, my friends, is what I should be doing. No. Not old freckle face. Freckle face has to go back down to the fucking mall today hoping that there's enough poor sons of bitches out there

with such evil cunt bosses that they actually have to go to work on December 23rd. They got to show up at their cubicles and maybe with a little bit of luck, I can go down there between there half a fucking day, run in there and buy some shit that I then have to take home and wrap.

You know, and if you're a political prisoner right now and you're listening to this, you know, as you scratch another day on the wall trying to not lose your mind, I know what you're thinking. You're probably thinking, you know, well, I would love to have some problems like that. You know? And you know what I say to you?

I say to you, you know, walk a day in my fucking shoes. All right, there? Fucking a prison cell. Haven't seen loved ones in 12 years. Okay? You know, if your prison cell's so bad, how the fuck did you get a fucking device to download this podcast?

So you had to listen to it. Why don't you explain that one? Political prisoner. Do they give you a keyboard or writing some questions here to make me feel fucking bad? Um... I just did that before somebody went,

First World Problems! You know what I hate more than anything? I hate fucking expressions. Not expressions like a stitch in time saves nine. Which actually makes sense. Which I can kind of equate to, you know, by the present today so you don't have to fucking wait nine hours in line on Monday.

I just hate when, uh... I don't know. Like a boss. Shaking my head. I just fuck... I don't mind them. I hate how they're just continually used to the point

that people are still expecting a laugh. It's like how many fucking times have you heard that? How many times have you ever heard that come out of your own fucking mouth? Right? Oh my god, I am in a fucking mood today. And you know why it is? It's because I have to go Christmas shopping.

Um, and also because I bought a new mixer and I bought a more compact one that would be better for travel. And the guy goes, do you have all the wires that you need? I'm like, yeah, I got all that shit. I'm good. Thank you very much when I come here.

And there's just a little bit of a different setup. And I pressed every button. I plug the wire in every place. I could fucking plug it in. I can't figure it out. All right? For you tech people out there, I have the Mackie 402,

V is in Victor, L is in Lucy, Z is in Zebra 4. And I can't figure out how to fucking use it. So whatever. I'm holding this up like a microphone. I'm starting to like this to be honest with you. Um, anyways, for those of you who, uh, you know,

we're out there shopping, doing what you should be doing, building snow forts and whatnot. Um, I did a very special podcast this week with one of my favorite people, not only in this business, but also in the world, Dave Kettner,

David Kettner from the hilarious new Saw It Last Night, Anchorman 2, The Legend of Ron Burgundy continues. Um, I interviewed him this past, uh, was it Friday, I think? Yeah, Friday. Uploaded it just in case you, uh,

didn't check to see, check your Twitter account or whatever the fuck you find out that there's a new podcast. So I interviewed him. We talked about Anchorman and all this other stuff, hanging out, getting drunk together

and singing holiday songs and all that. We just had a great time. And, uh, it was recorded. It was recorded live at the new All Things Comedy, uh, podcast studios. So with that, eventually, hopefully,

I'm going to occasionally have a guest and they'll just be bonus podcasts. All right. I'm not going to be reading any fucking advertisements and all that shit. It's just going to be hope. Well, I say that now.

Who knows? What if I throw out my funny bone and I'm not, I can't do my stand up anymore then maybe I'll have to do it. Well, as of right now, I plan to do it in a pure fashion. I'm not reading any shit

about chocolate-covered fruit. I'm not reading any shit about fucking how to, how to have your own goddamn lemonade stand in your bedroom. I'm not doing that. I'm just going to interview some people. Um, so David Keckner is the first one.

And, uh, Jay Moore is going to be my 72nd guest. Now, in between him, Keckner and Jay Moore, I don't know what I'm going to have. But that's all that, that's, I'm just giving you guys the heads up. Okay?

There we go. Um, so anyways, I don't have a lot to talk about this week for the simple fact that I'm off the fucking road. And other than the fact that I have to do my Christmas shop and I am excited

that the, uh, the year's over, but I also have to keep, uh, got to keep the act tight. Got to go to the local clubs. Got to do my little song and dance because I have a big New Year's gig. New Year's gig. New Year's gig.

Gig, gig, gig, gig. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. New Year's Eve, everybody. If your fucking Botox ass is in the Los Angeles area, I am playing at the mighty

Wiltern Theater, a theater that I drove by for years. And I told my lovely wife, Neye, I said, someday I'm going to play that fucking place. I'm going to sell it out. And afterwards we're going to get drunk. And I'm going to kiss you on the forehead.

Now, God damn it. I have booked a gig there, but there's a few tickets left to make the dream come true. And you're like, well, Bill, wait a minute, why do I just want to go and see you? Can you sweeten the pot a little bit?

Is there anything else that you can add? It is a New Year's show. Is there something else that you can add to the pot to make me say, no, I'm not going to stay home and jerk off the internet porn with the silly hat on,

blowing that fucking trumpet. Okay? I'm going to come down to the Wiltern Theater. What else do you have for me? It's a buyer's market. Everybody's trying to get me out to go fucking twinkle toes around their goddamn fucking tiles.

All right? Well, I'm going to be down there with the entire crew of knuckleheads that I go to the Rose Bowl with every year. They're all doing about 10 minutes in front of me. We have Rose Bowl tailgate legend. The mean Joe Green, the Jack Lambert, the Mike Wagner of the fucking tailgate.

Mr. Joe Bartnick. All right? With his new comedy CD, Salute. We hyped right here on the podcast. He's going to be there. Joe, Joe, AKA, you need to lose 50 pounds before you talk to me, bitch.

Bartnick will be there. We have MasterChef and a heater extraordinaire. Jason Lawhead is going to be there. Jay Lawhead, fan of all Cleveland sports. You cannot talk to Jason Lawhead about sports. Anytime you complain about your team,

he immediately just says, I have no sympathy for you. You won a championship in 1972 because he's never seen, he's never seen any of his professional teams win a championship. Therefore, therefore he doesn't want to hear it from you.

And last but not least, we got Andrew Thamelis down there. Andrew Thamelis, who brings other spirits that will not be mentioned to the tailgate. He's also the one that has to sift through all your fucking emails every week to this podcast. And he has mentioned to me,

he wants to do it a little more efficiently. So here's how we can do it. If you want to send in an email to this podcast, the Low Technology Monday Morning Podcast, this is where you send your emails too. You send it to Bill. That's bravo, illness, lupus, lupus.

Bill at themmpodcast.com. All right. And the MMP and MMPodcast are all capitalized. Bill at themmpodcast.com. All right. And he would please, he's asking you nicely to just say,

please make the subject be relevant to your email. All right. Just don't write like, hey, cuntface or whatever. I mean, you can do that, but unless you're, if you're not writing about cuntfaces, then you know,

if you want your shit read, help us out here. Please make the subject be relevant to the email. He says, I read emails that are great, but they have shitty subjects and vice versa. Oh, so in other words, don't give a great subject to a shitty email.

Email. Number two, please keep them less than 10,000 words. Some people write great stories, but they are too long for the podcast. In other words, I suck at reading out loud. And last but not least,

I know a lot of people ordered some T-shirts and DVDs. We're doing a bang up job. Andrew is getting everything out there. Unfortunately, this is a crazy time of year. Occasionally, merchandise has gotten lost. 99% of it has not

get lost or stolen in the mail. Who knows what the fuck they're doing out there. Out of the 2,000 plus orders that we've had, we've had like, what are we up to? I don't know, how many? I think we've had maybe like 10 or 11 that had a problem out of 2,000.

So, and know this, okay? If for some reason, whatever you ordered doesn't get there in time for Christmas and anything, just let us know in a nice, genuinely, lady-like way. And I swear to God, I'll send you some extra shit.

I'll autograph it or whatever. Okay? There you go. Anyways, so on, back to the podcast here. Speaking of reading out loud, I only have, we only have 2 reads this week, so,

you guys don't have to worry about me annoying the shit out of you. With my reading out loud, my lack, my lack thereof, of reading out loud scales. So, I'm doing New Year's Eve. And I was actually thinking the other day,

I had a buddy of mine who was going out to go do a New Year's gig, Giggory's coming up there and we were talking about how funny it is when they give out the noise makers before the show starts. And just who is the fucking asshole

who came up with those fucking trumpets? Those things that just hit that note, just I think it was somebody who just hated New Year's or never got invited to a party and he was like, all right, you're going to go on to a party, I'm just going to make this fucking horn

that's going to annoy the shit out of everybody. Which reminds me to tell every comedian out there, whatever gig you do, make sure they don't hand out the fucking noise makers before you go on stage because there is no comeback to All right, here we go.

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Make sure you use HuluPlus.com. So you get the extended free trial and that they know that we sent you. Go to HuluPlus.com slash Bill. Go to it right now or click on the Hulu Plus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com. Wow, those were two very nice reads, if I do say so myself.

All right, what are we going to talk about this week? Like I said, I don't have a lot to talk about and I did watch some American football for the first time since, I guess, last three weeks. I actually sat down and watched some. I had no idea that the Colts were in it. I thought the Colts were like beating every good team in the league and then shitting the bed against bad ones

and they were going to be about eight and eight. Evidently, they're going to make the playoffs. Playoffs. I still like the Seattle Seahawks, despite the fact that they lost to the Arizona Cardinals. I still think it is theirs to lose. Anyways, I watched the Patriots' Ravens game yesterday and I was embarrassed by that officiating.

Jesus Christ, what the fuck did the Ravens do? That was like watching an NBA game. And sad to say, a lot of the Colts, it's not even the ref's fault. Those are like the new rules. I think for our first touchdown, what happened was one of the Ravens' cornerbacks had the nerve to look our receiver in the eye

as he escorted him down the field. And thanks to Jim Erse, that is illegal now. After five yards, you cannot put your hands in the receiver and in no way shape or form, after seven yards, are you allowed to look at the receiver? You can't look him in the eye. You can't look him in his general vicinity.

You're supposed to keep him in your peripheral vision without touching him. If you sense that he is looking back at the ball, you then also have to look back at the ball, but not in the direction of the receiver's head. You have to turn your head the same way the receiver turned his head. You know what they should do at this point?

They should just give like penalty flags to the wide receiver and just have like any time the receiver gets touched, he can just reach in and fucking throw the flag because that's what every fucking receiver does now. And the ball sails over his head as they're falling to the ground. Have you noticed the receivers are miming, throwing a flag? They throw their fucking hand up. I don't know. It's annoying his health.

So I was actually surprised. I thought we were going to lose to the Ravens. You know, but it's just, I don't like winning like that. We're like 20 calls all go in your face. I mean, I actually saw what's his face? I saw about one point. He was just like, what? And I agreed with him. I laughed. I felt bad for the guy and I'm rooting against his fucking team.

I don't know. This is just, I think it's all this fallout of, I think the concussions and I also think it's the fallout of when Peyton Manning and Jim Mercer had their fucking cry baby fest when they lost to the Patriots yet again and they made the tape and they went to the NFL and the NFL was going, that's legal. That's legal. Then they bitched again. They bitched during the fucking Pro Bowl. They bitched at the Pro Bowl.

They bitched during the week of the Super Bowl. They bitched right up to the fucking draft. And then Jim Mercer who sits on the rules committee spearheaded all these new fucking rules of coverage. And I don't know, it's not the game that I grew up with. I still love watching it. It was fucking great yesterday. I had a couple of buddies over. I got the fire going.

Unfortunately, I didn't get to watch the Packers Steelers with the snow on the ground. I was watching, what did I watch yesterday? I watched Patriots Ravens and then I watched some of the Eagles late night game. And I guess they're playing real well. I don't know a lot of shit that's going on. I'm getting caught up in hockey. I watched a couple Bruins Sabers games, you know, 1-1.

We lost one and I don't know. It's funny. I saw what Sean Thornton did, you know, against the Penguins. Penguins fans are fucking hilarious. I think they actually have a lot of guilt with some of the absolute animals that they've had on their team. Because they're really trying to compare going like, act like Sean, what Sean Thornton did and everything that Matt Cook did, like that's a wash, like penalties offset,

like one disgusting, horrible piece of shit moved by Thornton, washes out Cook's entire three-year terror run before he turned his game around, which I do give him credit for. Now he plays the game a lot, you know, cleaner or whatever. I can really listen to it from anybody else other than Penguins fans. I mean, you guys have all Samuelson in your ring of honor. I really think you're making a statement when you do something like that, when you put a guy like that up there next to fucking Mario Lemieux.

I mean, it's just, it's unbelievable. And I was actually talking to somebody about some of the most dirtiest players I've ever seen since I've watched the game all the way back to the Claude, the Claude Lemieux's, the Dale Hunter's and all those. You know, in my top ten lists, like two of them are Pittsburgh Penguins. And I think to make that list, you have to have that reptilian sort of brain where you can end a guy's career and like in between periods, just sit there eating a sandwich and you're not nauseous at all.

You just don't give a fuck. That scary, that scary fucking thing where people on the ice have their head on a swivel, like where is he? Where is he? And there's a very special few that have done, that have just brought that vibe to it. But anyways, I'm psyched to get back into watching hockey and that type of stuff. And there has to be a happy medium with this fucking, yet another record, Peyton Manning, congratulations, he just threw for 51 fucking touchdowns. But does it even, I mean, and it's, he's phenomenal.

But with, you can't cover receivers anymore. So I think that they have to have, they should just, since these new rules, almost like the steroid arrow, like you have to have a new wing as far as records go, because if you essentially couldn't cover a fucking receiver past five yards, all right? Dan Marino, all day long, I didn't even want to fucking hear it. That guy would have, he'd have 60 touchdowns, 70 touchdowns. He'd throw for 6,000 fucking yards. He played when you could still mug a receiver and he still, all these records, I don't know.

These are all Dan Marino's records. It's bugging me that they made the game easier. Maybe it's harder and I don't know. I'm just a grumpy old fucking man. So anyways, I don't have shit to talk about this week. And somehow I've managed to still talk for 25 minutes because I'm a goddamn windbag. And so I was doing my usual shit. I was going on the internet when I don't have shit to talk about.

And I was trying to find, get caught up on some stories. I guess everybody from the Greenpeace 30 have been let go. And two of the pussy riot members go free in Russia. Russia, you know, I swear to God, if you're hippies or you're singing in a band, they stick you in prison. Really old school, new prison amnesty seemed by critics as an attempt to ward off criticism of human rights record ahead of the Winter Olympics. Oh yeah, I guess they spent a ton of money on the Winter Olympics like they bought a bunch of fake snow. Vladimir Putin or whatever the fuck his name is, he bought a bunch of fake snow just in case there isn't snow

in the posh area that they want to have the Olympics. So you know what it is. You can put anonymous people in prison and nobody really pays attention. But if they're a bunch of hippies attached to Greenpeace, everybody pays attention. And if they're in a band called pussy riot, people give a fuck. So one of the pussy, two of the pussy rioters. That's the name of the band just got out of jail. The third member of the Russian punk band pussy riot.

What did she do two and a half years released from custody following an amnesty law passed by parliament. Let me at least try to do a last name. Left prison colony in eastern Siberia. They put somebody in a fucking punk band in Siberia. On Monday, hours after another band member, Maria, normal name, Alakina, I don't know how to say it, was released in another region. The amnesty that enabled their release is seen as the Kremlin's attempt to soothe criticism of Russian's human rights record ahead of the Winter Olympics in Sochi in February. I don't know if I'm saying any of this right. One of them was 25, the other 24 were convicted of hooliganism for performing a crude punk prayer in a cathedral against Putin's ties to the Russian Orthodox Church.

The two women have been due for at least in March. How much time did they do? I don't fucking know. Was that even remotely exciting? Well, if you thought that was boring, here's another one. Here's another Russian guy. Kalishnikov. Kalishkinov.

What the fuck is with the 12 consonants in a row? K-A-L-A-S-H-N-I-K-O-V. I'm good with the Kalash. Oh, there it is. Kalishnikov. Assault rifle, designer dead at 94. And you're probably like, Bill, why do I give a fuck about this guy? Who is this guy?

All the rednecks know him. That guy was the inventor of the AK-47. The assault rifle. Designer of the AK-47 assault rifle that killed more people than any other firearm has died. The designer of the assault rifle that killed more people than any other, he died at 94. He was in his 20s when he created the AK-47. Well, there's a go-getter. Just after World War II.

He died in his home city of... I don't know how I feel bad for him after what the fucking Germans did coming into their goddamn country. He's a real patriotic guy. He said, well, we got to be able to mow down these crouched next time they come over the border. And he made the AK-47. So my hat's off to him. And last but not least, this is what's going on in the world according to my fucking skimming. Thousands rally against racism in Sweden.

It's just there. I didn't realize that they had neo-Nazis in Sweden. Oh, that's disgusting. Thousands of Swedes demonstrating against racism and Nazism have gathered in Stockholm... In a Stockholm suburb a week after a smaller rally in the same district was attacked by neo-Nazis. What kind of a jerk-off joins a fucking neo-Nazi group? What is it about Hitler that you're looking at going, oh yeah! There's the guy that makes sense. I don't know, what is it?

They have nothing else going on in their life other than the fact that they're white. You're white. You're a white male heterosexual. How much further down the track do you need to start the race and you still lose? So then you got to blame somebody else who starts nine miles in the other fucking direction and they catch up with you? Ah, you whiny cunts. Okay, so crowds marched on... Evidently they had an anti-racism march and these neo-Nazis attacked it. You know?

Is there ever an uglier look on somebody's face when they're pro-racism, when they're attacking somebody? It's the fucking most hateful look. Look at that son of a bitch. So crowds marched on Sunday towards a spot in Cartharp. It's the south of the capital where music performances and speeches were held. Organizers of the event said 16,000 people attended the rally. Well, thank God for those 16,000. About a hundred uniformed police were deployed at the event.

Police spokesman said, that's good. One person for every 6,600 people. What could go wrong? Um, you know, is that right? Or 160? Oh Jesus, Bill, don't be doing math in your head. I've been to many demonstrations in my life and this is one of the biggest. That's great. That's great, said some fucking person that I can't pronounce their name. It shows how many we are fighting for the equal value of all human rights and that we are many in comparison to the extremists.

I think many people are worried about the rise of the far right in Europe and want to show that in Sweden we are taking another route. How about you're taking a new route? Didn't you let the Nazis use your train systems to go into fucking Norway? Ah, Jesus. I actually, it's just always going to be around. It's just always going to be around and I guess, how do you think you combat that shit? Do you have to fight it with violence?

How else do you do it? These guys, I don't understand them. Are you not eating every day? Do you not have a roof over your head? What is the fucking problem? That's depressing. Alright, why did I read that? That just put me in a bad fucking mood. Is there anything worse than fucking neo-Nazis? The sons of neo-Nazis.

Anyway, let's read some shit here. Christmas shopping. I talked about my new mixer. I talked about penguins fans. I talked about NFL football. Oh, I don't know what else to tell you. You know what it is this week, people, I just have unbelievable anxiety. They have to go out and shop. You know, it's funny when I actually went out browsing the other day. I actually saw a bunch of shit from me.

And if that isn't the ultimate sign of what a selfish cunt you are. I can't find anything for anybody. Oh, I would like that. I would enjoy that. Alright, Anchorman 2. Bill Broadcaster. Saw Anchorman 2. It was brilliant. The whole cast is great. Yeah, I just saw it. I fucking loved it. I went with Lawhead and Nia last night. We all had a great time.

They said the whole cast is great, but there is a level of trust when it comes to Will Ferrell. He always makes the right decisions. Love listening to you talk to David Kekner. You definitely have to have Jay Moore at some time. The running joke with Jay Moore is he gave me shit for not. I was on his podcast and I haven't had him back on my podcast. Alright, and there is a method to my madness. I don't think you should go on somebody's podcast and then fucking two weeks later,

you just talk to him for a goddamn hour about comedy and every other thing under the sun. You got to let some time go by. You know, you got to let it marinate. You got to let it heat up. You got to let some shit, some water go under the bridge before you have him back. Because I never have guests on this podcast. I just don't, but now we have a studio, so I will do it. So David Kekner was first. Jay Moore is 72nd.

So I got to have another fucking, what is that, 70 guests? Anyways, he said you definitely have to have Jay Moore on some time, but don't let the whole guest thing get out of control. You're the master of the monologue. Go fuck yourself. In other words, keep doing what you're doing. Alright, need an NFL team. Hey, William, I've really gotten into the NFL this season, but still don't have a team. I really follow being Irish with no allegiance to any state.

I have the choice of any team in the league. So it can either be a glory hunting fuck and go with the Seahawks. So even this guy in Ireland knows that the Seahawks are the favor or the Broncos are being long suffering cunt to go with the Raiders of the Jets. Any thoughts yourself? I would definitely not be a Jets fan because there's a one sip of glory in their entire victory chest there. But the Raiders, they've won three Super Bowls. They do have a great logo, although their fan base has kind of made a left turn with the dressing up and all that type of shit. The same way we kind of have the sweet Caroline stuff.

I try and block that out. I like the Raiders. The Raiders also, if you're going to listen to them on the radio, I think have one of the best announcers in all the sports. I don't know, just pick a team and have a good fucking time. I don't give a shit who you pile on with. I mean, I wouldn't pick a team that sucks if I was trying to get into the sport. You know what I would do? I would pick a team that's just underneath the favorites. I don't know. I'm trying to think of the Premier League, who the fuck I would pick. I don't know who I would pick, but I definitely wouldn't pick like a man united.

I would more go Man City, I guess. I don't fucking know. I'm in over my goddamn head. But I would definitely say do not pick the Jets. Okay. You don't want to pick the Jets. I am a 45 year old man. The Jets have not won a Super Bowl since I was one years old. I'm walking around with my big pasty hairless head pissing and shit myself.

Okay. So that's that's that option. The Raiders have not won a title since my voice just started cracking as I was hitting puberty. Like, do you think they're going to beat the Redskins? That's the last time that they want. Ronald Reagan was in his first term as president. All right. I'm just letting you know what you're signing up for. Let's go around the league a little bit. The Miami Dolphins.

The Miami Dolphins have not won a Super Bowl since I got a cowboy outfit. I got a hat and I got some guns, some cap guns for my birthday. And then the big kids, as I was standing there, came walking by, took both guns out of my holster and just smashed him on the fucking driveway and continued walking away, walking up the street. They just came walking up the street. They saw me standing there dressed like Billy the Kid and they're like, that's not Billy the Kid. That's not even Billy the Teen. That is Billy the Toddler and they walked up to me.

They took my guns out of my holster and they smashed him on the ground, laughed and continued walking. I picked him up. I walked into the house and I handed him to my mother and she said, who did this? And I said, I said, big kids. And then she made me a sandwich. All right. Peanut butter and jelly and she left the crust on because she didn't raise any fucking finicky pussies when it came to food.

All right. I made you the sandwich. You remember that when you were a kid? You were going to sit there until you finished that. Was that a dying thing? Is that considered abuse now? And you just sit there. Your fucking legs falling asleep.

And it was her way to just keep you stationary where she went around and cleaned the fucking house. So then what did you end up doing? You ended up taking most of the food and you fucking threw it behind the stereo. That was that giant wooden thing that they had it on. You just threw it back there. Did you finish it? Yes, I did. I ate it all.

And then that was it. But you were too stupid to wait till she walked away. I went to the store and just grabbed the sandwich and throw it away. You just left it there till all the ants came and then she figured it out. And then you got sent to bed. Anyways, possibly beaten with the fraternity paddle that your dad kept. All right. I'm going to have to go.

You know what? I'm going to nfl.com. I'm going to go buy all the fucking teams right now. I'll give you a little fist for the holidays. I'll give you a little childhood story. During the holiday season, Scooby Dooby Doo and Silvery Bells get on the fucking sleigh. And we'll go to Grandma's senile house. I went to the nhl.com.

Sorry, force of habit. nfl.com. Here we go. Loading, loading, loading. Get those teams a go in. All right. The Buffalo Bills have never won a championship. So there's no story for you.

That's one team. All right. The Baltimore Ravens have not won a Super Bowl since January. I don't have any childhood stories because I was an adult. So that's a man's team right there. The Cincinnati Bengals have never won a Super Bowl. No story for you. So far, the Buffalo Bills and the fucking Cincinnati Bengals, zero titles.

And you want to add to that no fucking childhood story? The Cleveland Browns. You take all three of them. You stick them in a spur-lap sack like a bunch of kittens you can't raise. You throw them over the bridge in the fucking river. The Pittsburgh Steelers have not won a fucking title since 2009. That's a good team to jump on. They get a head coach and they fucking stick with them.

The Houston Texans. Expansion franchise. Wait a minute before you throw those kittens over the bridge. We got another one to stick in the burlap sack. The Indianapolis Colts used to be the Baltimore Colts. They have not won a Super Bowl since I had just stopped pissing. I had just stopped pissing myself. I had just learned how to sit on that little plastic toilet.

You know? Urinate or defecate. Stand up excitedly. Scream at my mother and point at her. I got fucking shit. Right? The Jaguars. Never won one.

The Titans, a.k.a. the Houston Oilers. Never won one. These teams haven't won a Super Bowl. The Denver Broncos have not won a Super Bowl. Since I didn't realize I was going to go bald. And start balding. I still have some left in the late 90s. They have not won a Super Bowl until somebody said for the first time,

hey, have you heard of this guy Eminem? By the way, if you guys heard his new album yet, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. How fucking inspiring is that? If you're in any sort of entertainment. The Kansas City Chiefs have not won a Super Bowl. Since 1970. 1970, since Nixon was not exposed as a fucking liar.

The Raiders already did. The Chargers have never won one. They won a fucking AFL title. The Dallas Cowboys have not won one. Since people will win in Z-Cavarici fucking pants. Oh no, they won one in like 95. Raiders Grunge was dying. And for some reason people thought that those guys who sang Glycerine was a good band.

The Giants have not won one since they broke my fucking heart for the second time. Am I really going to go through the whole league? I think I am. The Philadelphia Eagles have never won a Super Bowl. Throw them in that burlap fucking sack with the kittens. The Redskins have not won a Super Bowl. Since Z-Cavarici pants. The Chicago Bears have not won a Super Bowl since 1985.

What was going on then? Since Cindy Lauper was actually relevant. The Detroit Lions have not even won a fucking championship. I think black people weren't even allowed to play in the NFL. Maybe they were. Since 1955 with Bobby Lane. Green Bay Packers is a good team to jump onto. The Minnesota Vikings is an adult cat that acts like a kitten.

Loser of four Super Bowls. Stick them in that burlap sack. The fucking Atlanta Falcons. Why do you have a team? I don't give a fuck that you change uniforms to black. Nobody gives a shit. You get in the burlap sack. The Panthers.

You're an expansion franchise. You get in but you're on the top of the sack. We'll give you a chance to crawl out. The Saints won one in 2010 I think. The Buccaneers won one in like 2002. The Cardinals have never won one. Getting that burlap sack. Shut your face.

Get in the sack. The Rams haven't won one since 1999. The San Francisco 49ers. Great franchise. That's a great team to follow. The 49ers. The Seattle Seahawks. Despite how loud they scream on purpose.

Have never won a fucking Super Bowl. They can also get into the fucking burlap sack. But they're also at the top of it. Because I think that they might fly out and win one this year. So there's your league. Those are your teams. I hope it makes sense. All right.

Back to the fucking questions here. New Christmas tradition. Dear Billy Stovetop pipe. How about instead of mistletoe which encouraged you to... Which encourages... Look at this guy. This guy writes this. How about instead of mistletoe which encouraged you to another person

while standing under it. Which encouraged you to kiss another person while standing under it. There is a new Barry and a shrub combination that suggests you go fuck yourself. What Barry shrub combo would you suggest is appropriate. Thanks and have a jolly, holly jolly go fuck yourself. Jesus Christ, dude. I actually like Christmas. I thought you would say have a fucking combination like Barry and shrub.

That means that someone, you know, some female has to drop and blow you. Or a fella if you're into that. You know? Or if you're a lesbian maybe you just put the shrub up there. You just have a bush hanging from the ceiling. Equal opportunity however you want to do it. But if you got the berries on the side, the shrub, you just sort of cut it like a dick sort of shape.

And then there's your unit. I don't know what to do with that. Yeah, lesbian, you just have like a shrub. Why don't you like the mistletoe, sir? It is kind of fucking perverted, right? Some creepy guy hanging out around it. Nia keeps telling me to hang up the mistletoe. It's like, why don't you just come over and give me a kiss?

I mean, I'm glad to do it. No, it's a tradition. Ah fuck, I gotta go out to the mall. This is what I'm doing. Just go out to the mall. I'm just gonna buy shit. I'm just gonna see shit. I'm gonna grab it.

I'm gonna buy it. And then I'm just gonna have like, do you like it? That's just what I'm gonna do. Alright, then I'm gonna get some fucking eggnog. And I can only drink one glass of it, but they don't sell just a glass. You gotta buy the whole quart of it. And I'm gonna get some bourbon.

I'm gonna stick it in there. And I'm gonna get fucking drunk. That's what I'm gonna do. Leaning against the mantle with the fire going. Ah fuck, I gotta wrap this podcast up because I have to go shopping. Shopping. Do you believe that?

How do you guys do it? How do you do the internet thing? Where do you go for next year? Can you help out other older fellows like myself that don't understand the internet unless you're talking about porn or trying to find out who won the game? Can you do that for me?

I did order a couple of things off the internet, but I don't fucking know. I'll go to Mitchell and Ness and buy myself a jersey like I'm some make-a-wish kid. But other than that, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. All right, here we go. Another creepy email. Yet another creepy email.

Interested in younger girl of legal age. Okay. Dear Billy Blueballs. In your last podcast and many others, you talked about what you think is an acceptable age gap between people in a relationship. Oh, by the way, that, you know, divide by two and add seven

that that guy was taking credit for. I like to do this. You fucking hack. The French came up with that. Those stinky, smelly sons of bitches came up with that one. Actually, the younger French people don't smell. It's the older ones

that have just not given into. Good Lord. Those smelly menage toise. Is that you or me? I currently have a moral dilemma that relates to the topic in which as a 20 year old, I'm thinking about pursuing a relationship

with a girl who's 16. Dude, where in the fucking world is she legal? She asked me out recently and I'm toiling with the decision as to whether or not I should take her up on her offer. I'd like to know what your thoughts are about this. Before you jump to conclusion and start hating my guts,

let me give you a little backstory. Where I live, the age of consent is 16. So this is 100% legal. You know what? I would do a search to try to figure out where that is because you conveniently didn't tell you. But if I did, I'd end up on some list because I would be searching

where is 16 legal to fuck somebody. If you go with the French, divide your age in half. That's 10. You add 7, 17. You're coming in under the fucking wire. I'm a very young-looking 20-year-old. So what, Ralph Macchio?

How do I be able to fuck a 16-year-old? What the fuck on a... Oh my... When did this become the... to catch a predator podcast? I'm a very young-looking 20-year-old and can easily pass off as a high school student. You fucking creep!

If you didn't look at my ID, you'd think me and this girl are the same age. She's highly intelligent and very mature. What is mature in your world? There aren't just pictures in her book? I know pedophiles like to use this phrase a lot to justify their actions, but I can have better conversations with this girl

than most girls my age and older. Wait a minute! This is a lady! I just turned 20, and for much of the time, we are only three years apart. Okay. Wait a minute.

Are you gonna expose me for being a sexist individual here? Alright, so... You're both women. I need... Ah, shit, me is still sleeping. I need a fucking female's advice here. You know? Because, uh...

the way you're set up physically... This is how dumb I am. Okay, and don't judge me here. Help me. Because of the way you're set up physically, for some reason it doesn't seem as bad. You know? That you can't, uh...

You're not gonna fuck them. You know? You're just gonna kiss them and pet them and lap at them. This is so fucking creepy. Um, oh wait, there's more excuses here. I'm sorry. Um, I just turned 20,

and for much of the time, we're only three years apart. She's probably much more experienced sexually than me, as she had previously been in a serious relationship for quite some time. Jesus Christ, when did this girl start fucking? And I've never had a relationship that lasted more than a month or two. Never in my entire life, including grade school,

have I ever had a relationship with someone on a date with someone younger than me? This is an entirely new territory, and I guess you can see why I'd be apprehensive. You keep painting yourself as the victim. I really like this girl, and she must like me, but... I don't know what my next step should be.

There's no one I can really talk to about this without them jumping to conclusions, so any advice you can give me would be helpful. Thanks, Bill, and go fuck yourself. P.S., please come to Saskatchewan. Okay, there we go. Sometimes, during your travels, you've got fans up here,

and we're aching for some high-quality stand-up. Um... All right, well, what's weird about this email is where I live, 16 is not the age of consent. All right, so this is creeping me out. Um... Let me make sure you are a female. I didn't read that wrong.

She's highly intelligent. I know Pat falls into this phase, but I can only have a bit of consciousness. I'm a very young-looking 20-year-old and can easily pass off as a high school student. If you didn't look at my ID, you'd think me and this girl are the same age. Where did I think that this was a woman?

Am I out of my fucking mind? Ah, Jesus Christ. Now, I don't know... I don't know what the fuck to think. Look, if you're a guy and you're going to make this fucking move, I just... I can't get out of the fact that it's fucking illegal in my world. And I use the French thing,

cut in half, plus seven. Whatever you are. Man, woman, hermaphrodite, just be like, look, talk to me in 11 months. All right, when you turn 17. And I guess that's legal, even more legal, and I don't know.

I don't fucking know. Go make a snowman with him. I don't fucking... I don't want to read these anymore. All right? I don't want to be like Kevin Peacock. There's a eight-year-old down the street and I'm a young 14-year-old

and I was, you know... I don't like doing the stuff people my age do. I still like playing with matchbox cars. Fucking creepy. All right, cut it out. Accidentally racist story. Accidentally racist, racist, racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Bill. Love the podcast and I enjoy your work. Well, thank you very much, person. I don't know if it's a man or a woman. All I know is that they're just going to be talking about being racist and not trying to have sex with somebody who's potentially or not underage. The guy that wrote in last week

about the accidental racist thing was probably full of shit. He said, I read that same subject and that accepts exact same story on Reddit over four months ago. No way. If it is the exact same guy that started the Reddit thread, then cool.

If not, then fuck him. Anyways, have you ever dealt with someone stealing your material on stage? Thanks. Uh, yeah. Yes, I have. I've had that happen not that much. Maybe like a half-dozen times.

And I just walk up to the person and I just say, hey, that's my stuff and I've seen you see me do it. And then they never make eye contact. Go, are you going to make a big deal out of this? Yes, yes I am. And then they stop. Um,

but I think people who aren't in this business, uh, they steal shit all the time. You know, if you look at like, uh, I don't know, regular people can be like, I don't know, regular people can be hacky just because there's no,

then there's nobody's judging their work. So there's a freedom to what they do. Uh, but passing off, Louis C.K. did a great bit about that. Did anybody ever tell you a really funny story? And then like two weeks later, you're telling the story like it happened to you. And then you get halfway through the story

and you realize that you're telling the story back to the guy who told it to you originally. Um, yeah, I mean, I guess people do shit like that. I don't fucking know. Wow, that's disappointing. That's like twice. That guy stole from the, you know,

I got this little theory that I, uh, I like to do. I remember one time I worked with a comedian and he said, you know, I have this saying that I like to say and it's free your mind and your ass will follow. And it was like either a Parliament

or Funkadelic George Clinton or something came up or actually was selling this on bumper stickers. I have a saying that, uh, you know, two in the hand is worth, you know, one of the hands worth two in the bush. And I put it on his t-shirt and I like to sell it.

All right. Dear Mr. Cuntyface, the new secretary in my office is a black woman and baked cookies for the office. I sarcastically said, I hope you slaved over these all night. She stared at me

and I saw pure evil in her eyes. The question now is, do I eat one or is it unspoken that they're now off limits for me? Um, I don't, well, yeah, you made a joke and it wasn't funny.

I sarcastically said, I hope you slaved over these all night. Oh, slaved over these all night. He has like three L's. Um, Jesus Christ, dude. Um, I, I think your question, you should buy a joke book

is what you should do. Maybe watch some stand up and learn how to deliver them. Um, the only way you, that one could ever be funny is if you knew that person really well and that was the relationship you guys had, like you joked around about shit like that. But to say that in

front of all the people at the office, uh, I don't know what to tell you. Um, but you're, you're a selfish cunt and you don't give a shit. You don't give a fuck about people because all you care about now is can I eat one of the cookies or can I not?

You know, and you're probably going to be a terrible father and have awful, unexamined children. That's what I get out of all of that. Um, yeah, you're one of those people that kind of likes hurting people. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm judging you in the paragraph, but like the person that I'm picturing,

I don't fucking know. Um, anyways, number three, hey, hey there, Billy Goats gruff. Oh, this is all the accidental racist shit here. Um, that wasn't accidentally racist. That was on purpose racist. Um, because I think if it was funny,

it would have been funny. And I don't, you don't give a shit on any level that you might have hurt that person's feelings. All you want is to know is if you can have the cookies. Yes. So you're a cunt. Um, that's not, was nothing accidental about it. Um, number three, hey, Billy Goats gruff.

My white friend used to go to Temple University in Philly years back. As you probably know, it's a highly populated black area. Now how the fuck would I know that? Uh, I guess I, because I've done shows in Philly, I don't know which areas or what. Anyways,

he was at a house party with this chick and most likely a wee bit tipsy. They were heading out to leave when his gal realized she forgot her black handbag in the other room. Uh-oh. My friend told her to sit tight and he'll go get it. He stormed back into the room

and yelled out, Hey, is there a black person here? Uh, the room felt silent as he found himself staring an entire room filled with black people. When he realized what he said, he quickly snatched the purse

sitting on the couch and held it up and he said, No, no, a purse. It's a black purse. Yeah, I don't understand. What is, uh, how did he offend people? He said, everybody figured out what he meant and they all laughed. He slinked out

and told all his white friends. Did you get it, Bill? Is there a black person here? Oh, what, like pussy? Person. Is there a black person here? Oh, person. Is there a black person here? Ah, that's hilarious.

I didn't get it. Hugs and kisses. That's fucking hilarious. You know what I love is that you realize I'm too stupid that if I'm reading out loud trying not to fuck that I wouldn't be able to fuck in. Now, you know what? That seems too fucking convenient.

Is that an old fucking story? Did you steal that one too? Is there a black person here? Ah, Jesus. Jesus Christ, people. Do you not have enough funny stories in your life? You got to start making them up. Uh, number four.

A group of people from work, including myself. This is all accidentally raises, raises. A group of four people from work, including myself, were sitting at the front of the light rail. Parentheses above ground version of a subway in North Carolina

and drinking all day at a pub crawl, at a pub crawl. A group of black people came up to sit behind us. And our drunk ditzy blonde co-worker says welcome to the front of the bus. I got to tell you something. That's actually fucking funny.

I think that that's I don't know. I think that that's funny. She didn't mean it. Oh, she didn't mean it in a bad way. You guys were just parting and she just said welcome to the front of the bus. I think that that's funny. She didn't mean it in a bad way.

She's just parting and she just said welcome to the front of the bus. I got to tell you, that is fucking hilarious. That's that one is fucking hilarious. Oh my God all right, one of them was funny.

I like it. There we go. And what do we got here? Oh, an hour in one. The podcast is fucking over. We got to wrap up here. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Once again, Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime

anywhere on your TV, PC smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial on Hulu Plus when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click the Hulu Plus banner or go to huluplus.com

that's huluplus.com slash bill. Sorry, I was looking at the clock to see if I had enough time to tell you this quick story. I have a pet peeve as I was walking through the mall the other day and I was hating my life

this other mall that I ended up going to that was more like it wasn't a mall, it was like the strip of stores on a street so you weren't stuck there and there was this Christmas tree and I have a new pet. Oh, Cleo! You got fleas?

Oh, baby, I like my dog! Oh, baby, I like my dog! What's up, buddy? What's up? I actually got this dog to like one of my friends. I got a new thing that I do. I just take her for a walk with all my friends, with one of my friends

and after three walks, three hours she starts to accept them and then I have her give her some water and then I have little treats and she starts looking at them like they're a food source and you do that for another five hikes and then you gradually

taper off with the food you know and it's more just sort of patting the dog and then I gradually let the person with my dog in the front yard, we hang there for a couple of hikes, right? At the end of a couple of hikes, like it's like a 15-day process, you know?

I'm sorry, somebody beat you and you don't trust anybody, Cleo but we're going to turn this apple cart around, aren't we? So now I'm trying to have Mr. J. Lawhead become friends we'll work on it, right? Okay I fucking love this dog. Anyways

so people are sitting there and they're taking pictures in front of this Christmas tree this is such a dumb thing to be annoyed with but I hate people who take pictures with their fucking iPad you know, it just looks stupid like you're sitting there holding a food tray up in front of your face

I really wish somebody would just step in and give you like a fucking left hook right around your tablet right to your face and knock your goddamn dentures right out of your mouth or your partial something

it's just annoying that big stupid fucking thing why are you walking around with that thing? You know, you don't have a cell phone what are you doing with the thing? I just want to fucking break it over my goddamn knee sorry

hey, maybe that's a new segment we can get away from the fucking you know, semi pedophile questions what is something that just annoys you and you know it's stupid and it shouldn't fucking annoy you there's me, I'm throwing my hat in the ring people who take pictures with their fucking iPad or tablet

I don't like it it bothers me, it shouldn't bother me people are free to do it and I don't fucking like it alright, there you go just hear those slave bells ring a link, ting, ting, ting a link too Merry Christmas

to a Christian, a Muslim or a Jew I don't care, I don't care if it's offensive to you it's my holiday I like saying Merry Christmas to you I'll take some rouge and put it on your fucking cheeks

to make it seem like you're happy too stop being a fucking cunt and get over by the Christmas tree stop being a fucking cunt and get over by the Christmas tree I will buy you a gift sorry, that's the podcast for this week thank you everybody who came out to my shows this year

this was the greatest fucking year I've ever had as a goddamn comedian got to play all these wonderful venues and I'm gonna next year next year I'm gonna do another special oh boy, oh boy probably in the April

May time of the year I'm gonna tape it, record it if I can put it out there and then I'll work on my next hour and I'll do another fucking tour and I'll go to even more fucking cities because I don't know what else to do with myself that's it, go fuck yourselves

Merry Christmas Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Hanukkah and I'll see you out at the malls