Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-24-15

Episode Date: December 25, 2015

Bill rambles about the Pelican teeth, being homeless and waiting for your LAAAYY-DEEEE!!!

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the, what do you got there? I was trying to scare you by putting this dry ice and having the smoke going. What happened? It didn't work? It didn't work. Aw. Yeah, just try to put dry ice in the room.

What's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcasted. Oh, you're chickening on you and fucking Christmas. What's going on? Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you and to everyone you know. I am in a fucking great goddamn move.

I'll tell you why, because all my Rose Bowl tickets showed up. You know what was funny? I was laying them out. I do it every year. For all the fellas, I take a picture of them when they're all there and I just send them the picture. And as I was laying it out, we got eight people going this year. I was laying them out and just subconsciously, I don't know, it's because of all the promotion

I was laying them out and I was just going, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. And Nia starts laughing going, is this your Star Wars? And I was like, you know what it is? I think it is. The Rose Bowl is coming around. It's coming around. Hey, you know, I might even go see Star Wars.

I've been such a cunt about it and everybody tells me it's a good movie. Granted, I think it's, you know, compared to the others. You know what I mean? Like, you ever see an actor who just sucks his whole career and then he finally gets a decent thing, a decent fucking part, and he's actually above average. He always gets nominated for an award. That's the, the holy shit for once she didn't suck Oscar nomination. You know, I'm not going to name names, but you know what happens?

You know what I mean? Their whole fucking career, their, I don't know what they're doing, they're fucking, they're always playing this way. They're always playing a cowboy, you know, the whole fucking time they're always playing a cowboy. Yeah. Get those engines out of here, white power, white power, right? Doing all the cow.

They always leave the white power part out, but you know, howdy ma'am. They do all that shit. They went to gunfight. And that's all you see him fucking do it. And then all of a sudden out of nowhere, they play a postman and they're like, Oh my God, he was so believable. I mean, the whole time I just, I thought I could never see him as a cowboy. And then there he was, that little chain that led to his keys that opened stuff up for the

male. I, I mean, I bought it. I was in. He's really good, you know, or the in shape good looking guy gains a little bit of weight, you know, or the hot chick doesn't wear any makeup and they go, it's so brave, so brave. We have to give her something shiny. Um, so anyways, people are telling me it's good. So I got to get all this toxic shit out about that entire fucking thing.

I don't even know why I care. I don't think I care. I think I just like being a cunt. I think I like when I see a group of human beings excited. I like to throw a little rain on it. You know, I don't know what that says about me. Probably says that deep down inside. Maybe I'm not the happiest person.

And when I see joy in others, it reminds me of my own sadness or those movies are a little overrated. Uh, geez, Bill, can you let it go? Sorry. Um, also I'm very excited because, um, after it's for family, uh, I've got nothing but our wonderful, um, tweets from everybody stuff on Facebook. It's been, everything's been positive except two people. One guy was just like, oh, I can't even pretend like this is going to be as funny as your

standup back. So whatever. Um, which was kind of a compliment as he, uh, you know, took the non-existent DVD of my new series and just slapped me in the face with it. So it was weird. It was an abusive relationship. So obviously I'm attracted to him now. Um, I'm sorry.

And then what else did I get? I got another one, um, oh fuck, it was funny as hell too. And the guy was legitimately not enjoying the series. Ah, fuck. I can't remember. Still, my favorite one of all was when we just showed the pictures of the characters with a little bit of music and no dialogue and that guy wrote, and the shark has been jumped.

That's all he needed to see. All he needed to see was just pictures of the characters. He didn't need any dialogue. He didn't need the story. All he needed was those pictures, a little song and 23 years of me being in this business were just flushed down the toilet. I hope the person who sent me that tweet is listening to this because I want you to know we got together all the writers to, to, uh, get ourselves a little head start if we get

a second season. And I mentioned that to all the writers and we were all dying laughing. We thought it was the, it was, you know, obviously you don't like getting shit on, but some of them are so ridiculous that it's funny. So now that's become a running, a running joke in the writers room now and the shark has been jumped. So anyways, um, but of course, uh, Netflix doesn't give out ratings. So technically I don't know how it's performing, but I do.

You know what I mean? If it sucked, I would have been getting a bunch of, uh, Jesus, oh, Jesus, hey, at least just standups. Okay. Um, all right. And with that, let's talk, uh, bowl games. There's 58 fucking bowl games today. Uh, I don't think I'm going to watch any of them because yours truly has been crushing

it. At the gym, I go to the gym every day. It's just become puppy life. Right. And if you don't want to be a thing, well, you go to the gym every day, you can't, right? So, um, I just been going, what's the matter? I'm going to pick up the cake. You can go get the cake.

We're on good terms again, right? Yeah. You like me and Nia had the classic male, female argument that no matter how much time you give them, they're never ready. You're never ready. Hey Nia, listen, we'll go to a party Thursday, uh, June 26th and 2017. Can you be ready by four? I'll try.

Yeah. I just, I just don't get it. I sit there and I was driving back from where I was coming from, right? Jamming with some friends, man. So I called you and I said, Hey, I'm 15 minutes away. And you're like, Oh, it's still trying to decide what I want to wear. And I said, okay. And I hung up.

And do you know why I was yelling at the windshield? Because you knew I wasn't going to be ready. I was just like, how are you not ready? How is she not ready? She had three and a half hours, three hours and 20 minutes to get ready. And you were not ready. I thought that you were going to come in and change clothes. I'm a guy.

I'm always ready. I can literally, I can literally get ready at eight minutes, but you're right. I did watch that last episode of making a murderer. I knew you did. I can get ready in eight minutes. Back in the day was 15. Yes. Sit down.

I want you to come here. Let's say that again into the microphone. Tell me what happened. Yeah. I was watching the last episode of making a murderer. Don't binge watch that serious. If you haven't watched it, it's just, it's not good for your soul, but I had to stop watching it.

Yeah. And I want to sign the petition to help that guy out. Let's stay on target. Okay. Okay. Forget about the guys wrongfully imprisoned for the second time. Let's talk about me and my selfish needs. Yeah.

So I watched the last episode that and then I fell asleep on the couch. Okay. So that's what happened. So all the history on it. So then we were driving to the party. We're driving to the party. She's dressed up. I'm dressed up.

We're both staring straight ahead, not talking to one another. And as we're pulling up the fucking, you know, driveway, she goes, oh, we should have brought a bottle of wine or something. And then I said, well, God knows you had plenty of time to do it. And you know what? The evening as Michael Corleone would say was Godfather part two. It was over. And for the rest, I got to give it to you for the rest of the party you smiled and you

pretended like we were a cohesive couple. That's true. Yes, you did. And you acted like you cared. I didn't talk to each other though. No, we didn't. I actually went into the kids room and I watched fast and furious with the kids. And enjoyed it at the same level that they did because I'm immature as hell.

And I just, you know, chatted with other people about making a murderer and soaked in bleach. Okay. So then we get home and she still hasn't said anything. I remember we pulled up in the driveway and then she goes, you know, I'm going to get out now and just got out, walked around the car and went into the house. And I'm like, all right, she's mad. And then we go downstairs and you were putting fresh sheets on the bed and I said something about her sleeping in the bed today together and you just looked at me and said, Oh, I'm

not sleeping here tonight. At which point I just tapped into German Irish of, well, fuck you, I can play the silent game all night. I didn't say another word to you. We talked a little bit. No, you tried to initiate it because you realized that no matter how much you hate me, you like sleeping next to me in a bed. I don't hate you.

I don't hate you. And I do love sleeping with that condescending tone. No, no. I don't hate you. I do like sleeping next to you. It's weird. If I were to sleep in a different place, personally, I was looking forward to it. I had, I had the fucking NHL network ready to be queued up the second you walked out.

And then you came in and then I literally had to fake a sleep like I was eight years old, which I did, which is pretty sad. Right. And I like nudged you because you left your laptop on the bed and I was like, can you put this on your, and I was mature enough not to say, I almost said, I thought you weren't sleeping here. And you would be like, you would not sleep here, then I won't. You'd stomp up the stairs extra loud to reinforce I'm leaving now, at which point I wouldn't

have done anything. And then you come don't, don't, don't, don't back down. Yeah, I really can't tell you. No. I wouldn't have done all that. Oh, maybe some of it though. Okay. So there you go.

All right. So in the future, Neil, just give yourself an extra four, five, seven hours. I know, I know, but it's like, I never know what to fucking wear. And then I had to figure out how I want to wear my hair based on the outfit. Do you ever think this is why men are more successful aside from sex, sexism and all that shit? Fuck you. It just takes you guys to goddamn long to get ready because I like to look nice and

I, you know, but it does take me too long to get ready. It's true. I'm overthinking it a lot of the time. So I won't do that. I gotta tell you, your shave your head, it cuts at least five minutes off the prep time. Oh, well, I'll make a note of that little moose thing you got to do, you know, to style it up. What is that?

No, it's supposed to be me rubbing the moose in my hands back in the day when I used to style it up. It sounds gross. You know, back in the day when you used to put the product in your hair. Yeah. When I was young. When you had hair. Yeah.

All right. Get out of here. Go get your cake. I'm going to go pick up the Christmas cake. All right. Merry Christmas everybody. Hey, and Merry Christmas to you and you are forgiven. I'm forgiven.

You're forgiven. Yes. For being a jerk face yesterday. All right. I'll take that. Okay. Thank you. And deal.

Deal. All right. Get out of here. There we go. There we go. Um, tragedy. Averted. Oh, I stuck with that man.

Oh, I stayed in the pocket on that one. She tried to turn it around about all the shit that I'm doing, you know, and I was just like, Hey, I know all the shit we're doing. God knows. I know all the shit we're doing and I know that I'm doing and I know you know that shit that I'm doing it. I'm fucking working on it. You know, I haven't yelled about sports on speakerphone the whole fucking week.

All right. I haven't done that once and that gave me credibility. All right. They never fucking ready. I don't give a fuck how much time you give them. They never fucking ready. Anyone kills me. Then they get in the car and they're putting their fucking makeup on and then over the

years, you got all that makeup on the fucking vice drives me nuts. You're like, Oh, this is an eyeliner and lipstick. Somehow it gets on your fingers and it's like, it's like, it's like an adult five year old. You know, if you fucking have a kid, you know, there's going to be Cheerios and shit all over your car. Right. And if you got a broad in your life, there's going to be makeup all over the thing. They don't give a fuck, you know, and you bring it up in your own country way.

What do they do? They cry. You know what they, you know what I'm going to make my million dollars on? I'm going to make a fucking adult baby seat for a woman. Right. So when she's in a bad mood, like everything I do for the family, you just stick her in there. Right.

And you got a fucking pacifier that's like chai latte fucking Frappuccino, whatever the fuck they like flavored to be all these different flavors, adult pacifiers for women and you stick it in there and then you leave. Right. I know there's a lot of women listening right now. What about, what about one for guys? And all I say to that. Why don't you come up with an original idea, huh?

Joining the NFL. Oh, you guys got a lot of nerve. This is really country for the holidays. Isn't it? Let's see. I'm typing in my password here. Every fucking goddamn day. Here we go.

Here we go. And there we go. All right. Let's, what are we going to talk about? So anyways, my big thing. I've been dying to cook something because the holidays are here and I like to have some big tray of something that people can just be eating on when they're hanging around the house.

I got some family coming in. It's possible that New Jersey zone, the pride of Newark, the Trenton All-Star himself, Paul Verzi might be staying here for a couple of days. So there's this thing I was watching. I was watching old Molto Mario, Mario batali on, on YouTube. And I can't believe I used to watch that shit like 15 fucking years ago. Where is the fucking time going? Unbelievable.

I used to watch it. I used to watch it every fucking day at noon and I didn't even try 99% of the shit that he was making. I never even tried it, but just watching him every day, I just kind of started to learn stuff. This lasagna, that is, that looks just absolutely fucking insane. And it's like a spinach type lasagna noodle that he makes, which I've never tried. And I'm going to make a fucking tray of that like the day before Verzi comes out.

All right. Just so I can make sure if I fuck it up, I don't, I don't serve it to him because those Sicilians, they never fucking forget, right? So I'm going to, I'm definitely going to try to bang that out. And then he's got this, uh, what is this Hunter's chicken or some shit that looked fucking incredible. Um, I don't know. I go through these phases where I just like cooking. So I'm back into that type of shit.

So I'm going to try to do that. I've been crushing it at the gym anyways. I haven't gone there yet today. Um, but I don't know if it's open because it's New Year's Eve, but down near where I play drums, there's this open area where it's got like pull up bars and like jungle gym shit, but like for adults and like homeless people to hang out around. You know what I mean? It's definitely if you have your sweatshirt on and you get a little hot, you leave it

on cause you know, if you turn your back, it's going to be gone or some homeless guy is going to be using it as like a pillow. Um, hey, it's just bad. I was watching last night when I was ignoring my wife being a fucking child myself, uh, and they were interviewing these homeless people who have like no place to go and all of that type of stuff. And they were just saying, you know, we sit here and we see people shopping for Christmas. And you know, I'm thinking like, uh, you know, I wish I had a family.

I wish I had somewhere to go. And it was making me feel bad, but you know, I just went to wish one time they just interviewed just the lazy homeless person. It was just like, yeah, you know, I just never liked having a job. And uh, one thing came to another and I ended up out here and, uh, you know, kind of sucks in the winter, but overall it's not bad. You know, for as much as I wear the same pants every fucking day, I can take a nap whenever I want to.

I don't have anybody telling me what to do. Right. I'm eating, drinking, I'm fucking hanging out, just sort of existing and I still get still going to suck. I think it'd be better to be homeless out in the woods. At least you're enjoying nature. Right. If I was fucking homeless, I'd be homeless down near like a ballpark.

Now, where can you, where can you take a shower? The big thing is you got to take a shower. You know, it'd be awesome is if you knew someplace where you could shower in a place where you could steal new clothes every four to five days, then you could just sort of walk around and just not have a fucking job, you know, sleep outside, you get used to it after a while. I mean, when you really think about it, as much as a homeless, aren't they just sort of a caveman in the modern day and we fucking slept outside back in the day, Native American slept in teepees.

He had a little bit of shelter. You can't tell me like a box isn't in the same family tree as far as shelter. It's lower than a teepee or a fucking cave. You know, like when they do the coaches like tree, like I was telling you where Paul Brown on his coaching tree was Don Shula, Bill Walsh, Chuck Knoll, Bud Grant, like say like the cave, you got the cave and the family tree off of that's got to be the fucking teepee, the wigwong, the cardboard box, refrigerator with no door on it, right? That'd be an interesting series, the upside of being homeless.

I think it's even better if you're like just if you're sort of a boozehound, you know, I don't mean like just like killing yourself. I just mean like shitfaced, like every day you drink like you're going to a game and you just get fucking hammered, right? And you just sort of hanging out on the street. I'm sorry, I'm trying to, you know, this podcast started out so negative. I figure I'd take something negative and maybe put a little sunshine on it. You know, like I tell you, no, it's crushing it.

People who are homeless in Santa Monica. You're literally homeless where people vacation, you know, like Marina Del Rey. Just walking around looking for a boat. Nobody's been on in a minute, right? Curl up on the deck, just lay in there. I'm eighty. All right, maybe it does suck. I think it would just get exhausting after a while because I've locked myself out of

the house, you know, a couple of times more times than I would like to admit. And I got to tell you, just sitting around outside is, it's fucking exhausting. It's probably why cavemen were never fat. A lot of people think it's because they didn't eat as much, but it was just that exhausting the stress of not having a door that you could just fucking close and lock and know that nothing was going to come along and eat you. I think I think that's stress alone. Did I just invent a new diet?

Hi, everybody, this is Bill Burr. I have a new diet for you. It's called the remove your front door and go to sleep at night diet. You'll wake up every eight seconds of the stress of it. It's got to be something in there. You throw in yogurt and just say probiotic, you know, you ever wonder why our ancestors were in such great shape is because they were in fear for their lives 24 seven. Even when they were sleeping, their metabolism was still going because at any second

they realized that they might have to outrun a wildebeest. Right. If we could just somehow get back to that three days a week, if you just remove your front door and went and fell asleep on the couch closest to the front door. You know, that reminds me of everyone. I met this shady chick on the road and we fucking hooked up and it seemed everything was cool at first. And then like she started telling her story, you know, he starts steering

the conversation towards sex. You know what I mean? Just shit. You're doing your twenties. You don't have any game. And she started telling me how. You haven't got going back so far. You make when you talk to a woman, right?

You start talking to her about sex. Okay. And then open to it and you ever had that experience where you're like, oh, yeah, here we go. It's all set. It's all set. It's all set. And then it just passes that tipping point to be like, all right, well, you know,

I got, you know, obviously going to wear a condom. It's not that bad all the way to the point of like, holy fuck. All right. You know what? I forget it. Forget it. You know, this was a bad idea. That's what happened with this, this person was open and was discussing things.

And, uh, I don't know how we went from, uh, hey, I think he kind of cute. You want to hang out to her telling me that she hosted a sex party. And I was like, uh, I'm sorry. I'm what, what did you say? She goes, I hosted a sex party. And she said, I said, what is a, uh, what's a sex party? And she goes, well, you know, you rent out all the rooms on the same hotel floor. And then everybody just leaves their doors open and people just walk around going in

and out of each room and you just fuck whoever's in there. So at that point, I decided that, all right, I don't know if I have the level of protection. I don't know if they make a condom for that. So, uh, what did we did? Things that there was no way that you could get, catch anything is basically it. And then I didn't know how to get her out of there. So we fucking fell asleep. And this is when I was really introverted and didn't know how to say what the fuck I was thinking.

I remember she was sleeping on the right side of the bed and it just so happened. My watch, um, was on that side nightstand and I was on the other side of the bed and I swear to God, I woke up like fucking like 58 times that night. Just kept getting up looking, seeing her there and making sure the watch was there rather than just being like, listen, can you, can you just get the fuck out once they get the fuck out of here? Um, but, you know, I bet I lost a lot of weight that night. All right, you guys ready, you guys ready for some advertising, this fucking babbling

before the, uh, for Christmas here for the fuck. Where the hell is it? There it is. We've got one, he's down to one people, only one read Jesus Christ. I feel like a coach. It's about ready to get fired. All right. Zip recruiter, uh, as a business owner, your company is only as good as the people you hire.

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Hey zip recruiter.com slash burr. I don't know why they would say position yourself. The thing sells itself. If I had to hire somebody, I didn't want to go through all the fucking rig them a row. Right. You know, I cursed and used an old person thing. I threw in the fucking and they also said rig them a row. Um, or maybe he didn't like it.

Anyways. Yeah. Why wouldn't you use that shit? Okay. We get it. All right. You're, you're a little on edge. This is, this is how I act when I'm happy.

I still have a tremendous level of, of anger. I don't know what it is. I'm trying to get rid of it. You know what it is? I haven't played drums today. I haven't worked out and I'm bouncing off the fucking walls and you know, my wife goes, she, you know, we're having people over and she wants me to go get a cake and instantly I'm saying like, why did you just have me fucking make one?

You know, she's like, it's just either it's down the fucking street. She goes, Oh, can, can you go get the cake? Can you go get the fucking cake? And it's just like, Oh yeah. Yeah. You mean from the bakery that's in the opposite direction of where I'm going. And she goes, Oh, I didn't know that. I go, you know where my gym is.

She goes, Hmm, where is, okay. Wait. I know where is it again? It's just like, well, you stopped doing that. I know, you know where it is. I know I just called you out on it and now you're going to try to polish it. They think you think you're so fucking dumb. Oh, Jesus Christ.

I mean, I'm even getting sick of my voice on this one. I'm sorry, man. I don't know what happened. I mean, I, I, you know, I came here. I thought that this was going to be like a Christmas special. Evidently, it's not going to be so settle in. People were sending me a this video of this pelican eating a pigeon alive, of course, because a pelican can't hold a pistol or a knife.

So basically what happens is a pelican just sort of walks up, turns its head to the side and puts the bird in its big, giant double chin and, you know, just sort of wax it on the head with its beak. Like they don't really have, do they have teeth? I don't think they do. One of the comments, somebody said they got bit by one, said it didn't hurt. Maybe they were trying to be macho. Let me see.

Well, this put me on a list. If I look this up, do pelicans have teeth? Well, there's a picture right there. Let's see images for do pelicans have teeth. I don't see any. I don't see any at all. They definitely got a veiny fucking double chin. That's the worst, man.

As you get old and you get that fucking pelican chin. That's why you got to do the cardio because you're fucking skin under your face is going to fall anyways, just because of gravity. But good Lord, I'll tell you, nothing makes me want to do cardio than looking like a fucking pelican eating a fucking pigeon. Right. All right, let's see here. There are more than half a dozen species of pelicans.

Don't you hate when the internet just won't answer your fucking question immediately? It's like, I'm dumb. Can you just help me out here? I don't need the entire history. It's like when you buy a history book, they always like, OK, let's read about the history of World War Two. They always got to start 20 years before it's like, I get it, shit happened.

And then they started fighting. Can you get to the fucking battles already? You got to get like 80 pages in before the thing starts. All right, there were over half a dozen species of pelicans, but all of them have the famous throat pouch. Oh, is that what they call it? Double chin. That's a good insult for somebody. I don't know, buddy.

Yeah, really? Well, why don't you take care of that fucking throat pouch? It's a pelican reference for which the birds are best known for these elastic pouches to catch fish through. Yada, yada, yada. Many, many pelicans fish by swimming in cooperative groups. They more form a line or a U shape. I don't give a shit.

All right. How about this? Pelican bite. Uh, kid bitten by, okay. This is a kid getting bit by a pelican. Now if this kid cries, we know that these things got some teeth. Here we go. Here we go.

Do you want to stand near him and I'll take a photo? Oh, that's a good, that's a good parent. Sounded more like the uncle. How long is this fucking video? All right, it's only 58 seconds. Oh, all right. It's a little toddler. It's the toddler.

That kid could fit in his fucking throat pouch. Yeah, he's fine. He gave him a little nip. He bit him in the shoulder in the back. Yeah, it would have been so fucking funny if he got the kid in there and the kid was wiggling around like the fucking dead bird. Jesus Christ. Let's see if there's another one.

Pelican bites man at the zoo. Let's see if this guy could take it. All right, judging by that guy, unless he's a fucking masochist. Yeah, they don't have teeth. You know, so it's so fucking funny. I don't even know why I was looking that up. Why was I looking it up? Oh, yeah.

So they, I guess that's why the pigeon was suffering so bad. He had to fucking swallow the thing whole. Then he just sort of bangs it on the head. You know, he opens and closes his mouth, just banging on the fucking head. I think at that point, he's just trying to bust up its wings. I don't know. From what I saw, it was kind of like getting beaten to death by a ruler where it would be somebody just kept hitting you in the head with it.

It would be like annoying more so than devastating, you know. I guess, you know, if you were going to get beaten to death with something, when you want it to be like a machete or a ginsu, something, you know, one, one and done, it's kind of like, if you're going to get eaten by a shark, you want a great white, right? And you want to know it's coming and you stick your face under the water, see where it's coming. And then you just swim head first right into its fucking mouth.

Just end it. Don't come up and take a chunk out of part of my hip and my torso to see if it's edible. So to see if I'm edible and then fucking swim around. And as I'm sitting there going, oh, God, no, fuck that head first right into the goddamn thing. That's what I say. A lot of people say punch the shark in the nose so it goes away. I don't say that. I say stick your head right in its fucking mouth.

All right, is that going to be it? I thought there was a few other things I wanted to talk about. Oh, I mentioned I'm still staying with the Mike Johnston based on work out. I'm going to go try and do that today. Hopefully the rehearsal space is open. Pelican eating pigeon for any other drummers out there. If you want to listen to something cool, I just looked up Stuart Copeland drums only.

And you can listen to all the synchronicity, rock sand and all that. All that little cool, slick shit he's doing on his high hat. Sometimes those patterns he does on the ride symbol with the bell. It's fucking really fucking cool. So that's it, everybody. It's Christmas Eve. Christmas is tomorrow in case you didn't know. I want to wish all you guys a Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa.

And, you know, I said this last week, what do Muslims celebrate this time of year? Other than the death of infidels. All right, wait, Muslim. Well, they wouldn't have a Christmas. They don't believe in Jesus. What do Muslims do on Christmas? All right, this is NPR, so you know, it's going to be nice and liberal.

If it was Fox News, I wouldn't have read it. I'll tell you what they do. They plot the death of Santa Claus. All right, for many American Jews, Christmas Day means Chinese food and movies. But how do American Muslims spend their time on Christmas? Jesus is also revered as a prophet and Islam. Islam. I didn't know that Islam, Muslim, Muslims. I always find people, when they're passive-aggressively racist,

what they do is they deliberately mispronounce, like they say Muslim instead of Muslim. Right? I just did that with Islam. I said Islam, but that's just because I suck at reading. All right, Muslims and Christians believe that Jesus is the only Messiah? Wait a minute. There's no way we both agree with that. We're fighting like this. It really is about oil.

I don't know what the fuck. OK, explains Hisham Mahamoud MOUD, an Arabic teacher at Harvard University. He points out that Jesus's mother, Mary, is considered by Muslims to be a saint. In fact, there's an entire chapter in the Quran called Mary. And the story of Jesus's birth is recounted in this chapter, he says. This is why I think that everybody sort of was believing the same shit and we just all shot off, you know, it's like the Ziljan factory,

you know, when they made symbols, you know, it was an Arman Ziljan, you know, he had his kids underneath them, they all were great. And then he dies and the two had gotten to a fight in the next scene. Oh, there was Ziljans and Sabians, right? On Christmas Day, Mahamoud and his devout Muslim family fast. Oh, God, that's so fucking smart. We have fucking whale after tomorrow. We also relate the story of Jesus and Mary,

says we read those passages in the Quran and we make sure the holiday is focused through and through on Jesus's peace and blessing be upon him, as opposed to feeding into the commercialization of this holiday. Jesus Christ, is this real or is this guy just nervous because he's in America on Christmas? That's not to say that some American Muslims never participate in more commercial side of Christmas. All the Persians in my community went full blown Christmas the first year,

says Comedians Zahara nor Bosh. Wow, that's a fucking sick ass last name. It ends with K H S H. I mean, my cousins even had a guy come over dressed as Santa. Yeah, I mean, that's like fucking white people celebrate in Cinco de Mayo. You know, I celebrate it and I also say what day of the year is it? Fifth of May, the douchebag. OK, then there's the nuts much going on approach.

No one did anything in the home of all right, all right, all right, Jesus Christ. And then there's the kind of doing something but not really approach. All right, so I guess it's a bunch of different ways to do it. I didn't think the Muslim Muslim people even addressed. Now, wait a minute, do we address Muhammad? You know, the problem is is religion is so fucking boring as a kid that you just want to get away from it as an adult. So now that's shit's actually interesting to me.

So it's all sort of the same people. So it's kind of like a religious supergroup, right? Well, you got Len and McCarthy, Ringo and George Harrison. You got Jesus, you got Muhammad. You got Abraham, right? He's the guy that led people out of the desert. And then who's the Pete Best? Who's the who's Ringo?

Buddha? I don't know. And they all kind of say the same shit, right? He was fucked up the other day. I was on a hike and I went by some desert plant that literally had like a stinger on it. And I hit my finger on it and it felt like I got stung by a bee like a minute later. And now my finger just in that area is black and blue. But I don't have any tingling or anything like that.

So being that I'm a guy, I won't read up on it, nor will I go to the doctor. So if I die by Monday, just know it was some sort of exotic desert plant. All right. Well, you know what? Then happy fasting. I used to, you know, I used to do that once a week. I got into fasting for a minute. I would do it like once a week. I'll tell you, that's a great way to stay in shape. Just not eat one day out of the fucking week, you know, provided if you do it the right way,

when you don't eat, you're not supposed to then just get out and drive a car and go to the gym and shit. You're supposed to like fucking chill, you know, and relax the whole day. Which, of course, I never did because I'm a maniac. I actually know somebody that has a friend that the person eats every other day. And I got to tell you, they're in great fucking shape. You know what I mean? Okay. Well, I've talked myself into a corner. Well, listen, I haven't married Christmas.

I've already wrapped this up like 10 times. Enjoy the second half of the podcast where we got some throwback, more dumb shit that I've said over the past few years. Actually, the past decade and some music from the one and only Andrew Thamelis. All right, and have yours and have yourself a merry little Christmas tomorrow. It is the springtime of my life, your second season, I look no more. You are the sunlight in my clothing. So little warmth, I've felt before cold. It isn't hard to feel me glow.

I watched the fire, that grew so low. All right, dilemmas for the week. Go to the bathroom like a cat, number one and number two, in a dresser drawer sized cat box, and have a butler empty it every day or go to the bathroom like a dog outside in the bushes and have a butler follow you around to pick it up and tell you that you're a good boy. Oh, that's no fire, that's the second one. I do it outside, squat right down in the fucking bushes. I'm not shitting inside my house.

That's why I hate cats. Aside from the fact that they act like stuck up cunts at a club, you know, who've never done, accomplished anything other than looking good in life, you know, and they only come around when they fucking need something. You know, the other reason why I don't like cats is they shit in the fucking house. Then I gotta pick it up. I don't like that. They're not happy when I come home.

There's just no, there's no give and take. You know what it is, when you have a cat, you're basically Robert De Niro's character in Casino. That's what you are. You know, and your cat is Sharon Stone. She's fucking, she's just there for the amenities. You fucking cunt. Go OD and a goddamn red roof in. Alright, so yeah, I would definitely be outside.

Who doesn't like being told they're a good boy? I get praise. When was the last time anybody out there got praised after they took a dump? Wouldn't that be awesome? You know? I don't know. Alright, let's plow ahead. Was that unfunny, sir?

Did you not like that one? Was that not up to your comedy standards? Did you feel the rest of this podcast was funnier than that? When I blew my nose before I went off on Jesus. Oh. Alright, let's just plow ahead. Number two. Would you rather marry a stripper or have your daughter become one?

Ugh. I'd rather marry one. I'd rather marry one, you know. If my daughter becomes one, that's just complete failure as a parent. And in fact, that's what I think all those videos should be called that you see, you know. When you see on YouTube, when you got those girls doing those booty dances, you know, the goddamn shorts up their ass. It's always like so-and-so booty dancing.

What it should be called is so-and-so complete failure as a parent. Results of a complete failure as a parent. Absolutely. I would rather, that's not fair to the kid. I would marry a stripper. And, you know, I would just, I would just have fun with the stripper. I would just do whatever I could, you know. Fuck her if she had one leg pointed west and one leg pointed east, you know. Or north and south if she's standing up drinking coffee, you know.

Doing like one of those little ballet moves. I'd just bang her like that. And yeah, then I have a kid and be like, listen, this is the secret in life, sweetheart. Don't do anything that your mother did. Wouldn't she just become a stripper? Is that like a reality show that they haven't come up with yet? Daughters of strippers. Like what's her face?

I think Kurt Cobain's daughter is going to be alright. Because her mother is such a fuck-up that I think she, I probably just jinxed her. I probably just jinxed her. Alright, number three. Choose between attack by a bear or a lion on land and between attack by a shark or crocodile in the water. No fucking contest, dude. I would take a bear or a lion. That's a quick death.

That's a quick one. That bear comes up with that bionic bitch slap. That's it. You fucking break your neck. You ever see a lion kill something? That's it. It's over. That's going after major prey and it just crushes your fucking windpipe.

You're out in two seconds. Did you ever yell the footage of what's his face? The gay lion tamer out there. The one who looked like what's his face from Night at the Roxbury. Jesus Christ, this fucking cold medicine. What the fuck is the guy's name there? Come on. What's the name of that guy?

Chris Catan. That one. The gay Chris Catan. You ever see one of that fucking, that lion grabbed that dude and it was over in two seconds. He just went limp. I take that in a second as opposed to a fucking shark. You're sitting out there. A shark comes up.

First thing it does is it bites into your leg to see if you're edible. Right? Just takes a nice chunk out. Like he's doing some sort of wine testing with your fucking thigh meat. You know what else kills me is the fact you can't fucking see it. You know, your head's above the water and all the evil is just below it. You're sitting there, you know? And I think that you had still, you got that caveman DNA that would, that would just be

going off that there was something in the area, despite the fact that you couldn't see it. You'd be trying to lift your fucking legs up. I think, I think the real dilemma here is, is between shark or crocodile. And I would have to go, I would have to go shark. I just feel like there, it's a cleaner death. You know, they got those ginsu knife teeth. They just come in like a tiger shark. It's just fucking over.

You know, just a perfect fucking killing machine, as they said in JAWS. But like alligators and crocodiles, those fucking things. Those are like those guys who aren't talent, talented enough to be in the NFL, the NHL. So they just go out there and they try to blow out guys' knees, you know? Alligators and crocodiles are like the Bill Romanowski's of fucking predators. You know, just that thing where they grab on to you. You know, what I like about a shark, which you could just bite your leg off a fucking alligator. They always seem to grab it and then they go into that roll and they just so slowly

twist it off, you know, like you're some cooked chicken and they're trying to take the leg. This is getting fucking morbid. That's what I would choose. All right, what else we got here? Have a beautiful lady who stinks smelly breath, smelly ass, pussy, pits, hair. The work's all stinking. Or an ugly fat bitch who smells great. Uh...

I go with the ugly fat girl. Smells great. Absolutely. Because I could love her. Or the other one who just smelled like shit but was beautiful and was probably carrying herself like a beautiful lady would annoy me after a while and I'd probably kill her. You know, why did you kill her? Because her fucking pussy stunk and she walked around like she was Giselle. Why being charged with anything?

Because if I am, I want a lawyer. Go fuck yourselves. Well, Mr. Burr, you really just already incriminated yourself. I don't care. You know, the prison will not smell as bad as her ass. Oh, is there anything worse than fucking cold tea? All right, here we go. Uh, chimp first linebacker, Bill. My friends and I frequently get in an argument over whether a world's...

man competitor or NFL lineman could handle a chimp in a fight. I know chimps can rip faces off at a ten times the strength of a normal man but a normal man is a tub of shit. I bet a linebacker could rip some faces off too. What do you think? Uh, yeah, no contest. The chimp would fuck the dude up. Dude, chimps don't fight.

I was gonna... I almost said fairly. Chimps don't fight like people. They're not gonna, you know, you gotta come out and touch gloves and they're gonna fuck it. Sorry, he's got a great jab. Watch out for its right, you know? That fucking thing is just gonna jump on you. Did I ever tell you that time that monkey stole my hotel keys?

I was in Costa Rica. Um, what the fuck was I? Down in Costa Rica way out in the bush. You know, army ants took over my fucking little cabana and that type of shit. So they had this pet monkey there. I was a monkey. I fucking ate monkeys. I never had a problem with chimps, but now that they rip people's faces off

and their nuts and their feet off, I have a problem with them. Uh, I like gorillas. And I like orangutans. I always thought I was tang, T-A-N-G, but it's orangutan. I like those ones. They seem like they've seen it all. They got that vibe. They could just sit down and teach you about life.

But those little monkey motherfuckers, I can't stand it, right? So for some dumb reason, because I'm white, I have to walk up to it. Hey, there's a fucking wild animal. Let me put myself in danger. And I walk up to this thing and it fucking jumps on me. Uh, you know, and it's one of those, you know, remember that, that, that video, uh, shocked the monkey? What a bit.

Maybe the little monkey in that thing was one of those monkeys. Or in the faces of death when they were fucking banging that monkey's head till it died, then they ate its brains. Remember that one? Yeah, it was one of those monkeys, right? This fucking thing jumped on me. And within half a second, it turned itself upside down, was hanging by its tail from my neck,

reached in my pockets, grabbed my keys, and ran back up a fucking tree. This all happened, like, within, like, 1.8 seconds. And my body reaction was like, what, wait, what, what, uh, fuck. So, if this thing actually wanted to fuck you up, the thing's not gonna come out fucking bobbing and weaving. It's gonna be running around the room, jumping up off of shit.

You're gonna try to figure out where it is, and it's just gonna fucking land on your face. And that's gonna be it. It's gonna tear your face off, twist your foot off, and rip your balls off. And no linebacker stands a fucking chance. Unless, you know what? What if they had on the equipment?

Even then, they'd tear your fingers off. This is the amazing thing about how human beings survived. Is everything out there, as far as I can tell, is faster than us, for the most part. It is stronger than us. Faster and stronger. But for the simple fact that we were smarter, we were able to do all the horrific things

that we've done with this nature, you know? With this nature, with this planet. You ever think about that shit? Football players beat the fuck out of the nerds all through grade school and high school. Then what happens? When the real deal goes down? At the end of the day, those nerds become bankers.

And those football players get enslaved. And there you sit in your house like a caged animal at the fucking zoo. And where's that banker? You don't even know what the fuck he looks like. All those Facebook cunts, that goddamn Steve Jobs, one of the most overrated human beings on the fucking planet, they win in the end.

Follow up from October. Where do eggs come from? Where do eggs come out of? Oh yeah, I asked that. I asked, does it come out of their ass? Do they have a little chicken pussy? A little chicken vagina. Billy Boy, just listen to the podcast from October

and you sort of asked where eggs come out of a chicken. He says, I don't fuck chickens, but well, okay, yeah, I do know where they come out of. I know for a fact that the egg comes out of the hole that poop also comes out of. It's called the vent. Bam. Educated.

You're welcome. Ah, that's disgusting. Well, no wonder that egg has a shell on it, huh? So that's okay. I don't eat eggs in that worry that I'm eating egg shit, right? Because it's in that little morc capsule. It's called the vent. Why doesn't a chicken have a pussy?

Is that because it's so small? Is that what it is? Is it like when you get a car and there's, you know, you get the compact so there's not enough room for the radio so they turn it sideways like in the Chevy Citation? Is that what it is? So they had to combine the asshole and the birth canal all at the same time.

So every chicken takes it in the ass. Is that what you're telling me? Where does the rooster jizz know where to go? I didn't get pregnant again. It went up the shitter rather than up the vent. Does a rooster have to bang a chicken at a certain angle to make sure it goes up the vent? That doesn't make any fucking sense.

Is there a farmer out there that could show me a, send me a diagram? It's got a split at some point, doesn't it? There can't be some egg growing in your ass and you're also trying to take a chicken dump. You'd be constantly constipated. You know, when chickens lay eggs, there's not like there's a bunch of shit all over it.

This is what, this is the great thing about life is you ask, you answer a question and it just introduces all these others. Now I realize, you know, it's like that little thing, like with each book I read, I realize there's so much less that I know. See that? So now I have a hundred more questions.

And you know what? You decided to reopen this Pandora's box. Now I need some follow-up. I got any farmers out there? Anybody else can tell me? It's got a split off. Like one of those tea splits. Like when you know, you and a friend listen to the same iPod.

Eggs and one shit and the other. That's like a game show. It's time to play. Put your hand, no, put your face under the chicken vent. What do you think it's going to be? Roll the dice. Is it going to be an egg

or is there going to be some chicken shit? That's disgusting, Bill. Well, go fuck yourself. I had to work with what I had there. Hey, speaking of failure, I actually went on to YouTube. I know everybody's seen these a zillion times. You know what I love? I love those compilation, you know,

fail videos of 2010, 2011. And I was watching those last night. Just laughing my ass off, just having a good time. Where are you, Bill? Is there any that you can remember? Not really. A lot of face plants. A lot of people taking it in the nuts.

And I'll tell you, I can't believe what it takes to break your fucking neck because everybody was like doing backflips and then like water skiing on their face, like landing on their face and sliding three feet on their face. And you're thinking, there's no way that guy's getting up. And every time they get, they get right back up. This is something that I've noticed about the ladies is a lot of them,

because they spent their whole fucking lives trying to attract a man who invariably is going to disappoint him because he's a fucking idiot, because he has a dick, right? They spent so much time poofing their hair and painting up their goddamn faces, you know, like some kabuki clown

getting out of a goddamn Volkswagen, that a lot of them have the coordination of like a three-year-old. You know, I'm not talking about the athletic ones, the ones that throw like dudes, you know, have a little grunting there. You got a new girlfriend, you didn't realize, yeah, you only played high school softball, oh, that's cool, you know, let's go outside and play catch, right?

She's easy to see it, she's already fucking amped up, you know, she gets out there, she's got that look in her eye or fucking nipples are hard, she's ready to go and you're out there going, oh, you know, it's a lady, let's be easy. So you toss her one, you know, borderline underhanded, trying to respect her VJJ, right?

She's got a vagina, not too hard. You lob it over to her and then she throws it back and gets a little grunting there, pops your mitt, makes your hands sting a little bit, makes you a little bit nervous, right? What the fuck am I going with? I'm not talking about women like that, I'm talking about, you know,

oh my God, you guys, that's so mean. Look at the Christmas lights, oh, I love Christmas. Look at the doggy. That girl, those, when they fall off fucking tables, or whatever the fuck they're going on, rope swings, like when they fall, they look like a fucking toddler,

you know, toddlers don't realize, they don't know enough to put their hands out to protect their face, or they just fall like a fucking sack of potatoes. Those are my favorite videos, because it's usually good looking women, you know, they're good looking. So they know that all they got to do

is just do that kabuki thing. If every day they just fucking wake up, take one of those giant powdered things and slam their face with it, paint their lips red like a goddamn bullseye, that, you know, much to a lot of people should grin, most of their dreams are going to come true. Are they going to come true?

You know? What is with the red lipstick, everybody? Because your lipstick, you know, sort of a red, but it's a muted red, you know? It's an old-school TV red, as opposed to the high-def HD fucking sticky dick in here, red that the lipstick is. You know, I'm officially an old bastard.

You know, this is one, and for all you youngsters out there, this is one you're going to know that you're old. First of all, you're going to stutter, uncontrollably, for no apparent reason. But beyond that, this is how you're going to know you're old, is when you get to that age where you can't tell if somebody is a hooker,

or if they work at the, basically, like a library or something. Goddamn it, I should have a better example. I can't tell the difference between a girl going out to the club or a girl walking down the street sucking dick for 20 bucks a pop. You know? Because I've been old long enough that, you know, my idea of what a whore is, the whores of my generation already have kids who are like 18, 19, 20 years of age.

All right? So now they're rebelling against their whore of a mother from the 80s, early 90s. So they have to outdo what she did. And in the process, they dressed like hookers dressed when I was coming of age. I'm telling you, when I'm out here and I drive down Hollywood Boulevard, where all the club scene is, you know? Gee, Bill, why do you go that way? There's all kinds of traffic,

because I want to look at the ladies, right? They're all out there. I'll tell you what's in now, thick thighs. Thank God, about fucking time. When I was a kid, women, they all had those skinny fucking legs, you know, those little Chihuahua legs, you know, and their fucking mustard-colored pumps from the 80s.

Remember those girls? Now all of a sudden, it looks like this whole generation's been doing squats. It's looking pretty good to me. So anyways, what the fuck am I talking about? Oh, I was talking about why I was... I mean, I have no idea where that thought came from. What the fuck did I end up on mustard pumps? I can't back it up.

My brain doesn't go that way. You know? I just have to keep going forward, which is why I'm sitting here with the podcast only going into my left ear and not my right ear. But you know what? I'm not like you feel bad for me, but you know what? This has been a problem.

This has been a reoccurring fucking problem, and all I do is wiggle the wires every week and be like, okay, now it's working. Knowing full fucking well that something bad's going to happen, it's like ignoring the fact that the check engine light just came on. It is the summer of my smile. Feel from me, keepers of the blue blue. Speak to me only with your eyes.

It is to you I feel this too. Ain't so hard to recognize though. These seams are clear up to all the time. Money advice. Bill, I'm an OTR truck driver. What the fuck is that? Off track? Betting? What is that?

I don't know what that is. All right, I'll take your word for it. I'm an OTR truck driver, and have a problem with blowing fucking money like a politician. I have a wonderful fiance with a great head on her shoulders, and she is great with money. Every time I see the bank statements, the balance is more and more,

so I know she's doing a bang up job with our finances. Well, let me tell you something, sir. You are one perceptive son of a bitch. He's seeing a number bigger, and I know that that must be a good thing. So what's the fucking problem you say? Well, like I said, I'm terrible with money, so I got one of them prepaid debit cards.

He literally wrote one of them. I like this guy. He talks like Elvis. And every Tuesday, payday, my girl puts $50 on there so I can get groceries. That way I don't turn into one of these fat shits that eats every meal out of the Wendy's. Out of the Wendy's. Oh, God, this guy's great.

He's spouting down, loaded up ant trucking. We're gonna do what they say can't be done. We're gonna get some hookers at the next truck stop. We ain't gonna wear condoms and shoot some drugs, and we'll all get fucking AIDS and pass it all around. Well, $50 is good for one week of groceries, but it's like pulling fucking teeth for extra money like, say, for drinks or some rubbers.

No, like for drinks or some extracurriculars. Am I an asshole for thinking I deserve a few extra bucks or what the fuck, Bill? By the way, Nia has a sexy fucking voice, and go fuck yourself. Are you an asshole for thinking you deserve a few extra bucks? Absolutely. The fact that that poor woman is legally bound to you

and you have no concept of how to hold on to money, that would be like, I mean, you're a guy, like you're supposed to fucking earn a living to support a family, right? If you have no concept of that, that would be like if she had no concept of like how to have a baby or how to blow somebody, you know what I mean?

Because that's what their job is, sucking dick and making babies. Such an idiot. Oh, God. Imagine if I had the balls to run for president after doing this podcast for five years. How easy would it be to take me down? Dude, why don't you learn about money?

Do you really just want to float around like with your fucking eyes wide open, just not getting it? Don't you want to understand money? She's giving you 50 bucks a week. You know why? Because you're too fucking stupid to get 60. And I'm sure you can crawl under a truck and modify it. I'm not saying you're straight across the board dumb. But not to understand money.

I swear to God, dude, is one of the dumbest things that you... Honestly, and this is for everybody, it's one of the dumbest things you could ever do in life, is I understand not understanding money up to about 18, 19, but once you're to the point where you can go to a library, we can go on the internet and you can just read up on it. Okay? If you don't understand money, you're going to be behind the 8-Ball

for your entire fucking life. And you're basically going to be an indentured servant to credit card companies and banks, and your life is going to suck way more than it needs to. Okay? I'm not saying that just because you understand money, when your kidneys isn't going to shit the bed, bad shit's already going to happen. You don't need to compound it with not understanding money.

All right? This woman is the best thing that ever fucking happened to you. You don't understand money and you want money for drinks and some extracurriculars. What does that mean, an 8-Ball? If you start with drinks and then you say, I like how safer drinks or some extracurriculars, like boozing to you isn't even an extracurricular activity.

That's just, you know, that's like nourishment for you. So I'm assuming that extracurriculars is at least a bag of weed or maybe some condoms to bang some truck or whore, truck stop whore. You know? Listen, sir, you got a great fucking woman, but she's only going to put up with you not understanding money for so long because at some point she's going to want a goddamn man.

Okay? Especially once you have a couple of kids. She doesn't need you being some adult kid. So I would say, read up on money and you'd understand what a favor she's doing for you. If your bank balance is going up, you're doing better than 90% of the people out there. All right? So here's a good thing.

You got a fucking angel and she's smart. And just read up on money. All right? She's also keeping in shape. Go buy groceries. Don't become a tub of shit. You know? She's basically without you even realizing or possibly even her, she's laying down the gauntlet here. She's basically saying in her own cute way, I don't want to be married to some fat, broke trucker.

All right? So read up on money. Keep eating your fucking pears and fruit out there and you'll be fine. All righty? All right? I've never thought you'd ever go away I'd kiss a gloom

and sit upon it, upon it, upon it But I know that I love you so Oh But I know that I love you so I'll be seasoned of emotion

I like the wind their eyes fall calm This is a wonder of emotion I see the torch in almost cold cold This is a mystery of the quotient quotient I thought it's all

I thought it's all a little rain but it's all just a little rain but it's all Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Oh Oh Oh

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