Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-19

Episode Date: December 27, 2019

Bill rambles about Christmas, NBA, and examining your happiness.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking it on you. How are you, everybody? How was your holiday? Whatever you celebrate? Oh, Hanukkah and Christmas in Kwanzaa too. What do you believe? Is it worth dying for? The fucking polar bears don't give up on them. Boohoo, no women at the Golden Globes. Sorry. Anyway, I've been watching a bunch of sports. A lot of hockey, so singing, you know, the fucking, what do you call it? Dude, how many times can updates be available on your fucking, you know, your computer? Updates are available. You know, there's some fucking poor bastard, or I would imagine a group of them, both men

and women just fucking sitting there updating shit, working on new fucking Microsoft Word. The letters have to be clearer. You know, whether they are just fucking tap out. It's good. It's good. You just treat your fucking laptop like one of those cars in Cuba, where they just keep fucking fixing them from the 1950s. You know what I said? Shit. They're still driving cars down there for the 1950s. They just keep fixing them. Are you fucking idiots out there with your two, three year lease? I like a new car. Hey, I like a new fucking car. I like a new car. I like my old car to get pushed into the fucking ocean and I get into fucking the one. Hey, they call me Mikey Newcar. Oh, look at the leather. Did you just

get a car and fucking drive it into the ground? Nope. You always got to get new shit. Hey, I got a flat screen TV. Look at how fucking I can see his fucking ball bag here from across the goddamn living room. And fucking three years later, it's considered a piece of shit. And you got to, you know, you can't even give it away. You want 50 bucks to sing? I don't do it, but it's not compatible with my fucking laptop because I kept clicking on the updates. Telling you, man, it's all a game, man. You got to step out of it, man. I'm seeing things. Actually, I'm seeing things, saying things a little clearer, even though my nose is not fucking clear. I swear to God. You know what I did? You know what I did? You know, I got a fucking

cold. You know, you know, I got a cold by being the perfect husband for a 12 hour period before I fucking snapped. That's what happened. All right. We had some things scheduled for the day before Christmas. Now, by the way, anybody in the music business, you know, every year, you know, one of these fucking little pop tarts, you know, they can feel the time running out. Okay. It's the time on their career is shorter than their fucking pussy hair. And they realize it. Okay. The wick is burdened down to their fucking clam there. And then they need a fucking hit that's going to be playing long after they're still relevant, right? I don't want a lot for Christmas. They're trying. They're all piling on Christmas. You know,

John Legend even as talented as that guy is, he even did one just in case. Right. He did the baby. It's cold outside. He did it for the fucking, you know, the hairy leg chicks out there, right? Your body, your choice. They all pile on Christmas. So here's the thing, only a few people are as talented as John Legend. You know, so now you're trying to throw a horse into that fucking race. What are you doing? What happened to the old school music managers? Music managers that look for daylights in other parts of the room? What was the last time somebody wrote a fucking Christmas Eve song? You know, I don't know how the fuck it would go. That's not my goddamn job.

It's the fur. It's the night before Christmas. Oh boy, oh boy. Um, after the gifts are open tomorrow, it will be depressing because we're all a fucking older. Isn't it nice before it all happens to take it in? All right. There you go. It's the fucking day before Christmas. I don't know what I will catch. Why doesn't somebody write a fucking song about the day after Christmas right before New Year's and the depression of another year going by starting to set in, you know, but you have fucking Trent Reznor doing one of those songs. I got socks yesterday, you know, just make you feel fucking

You know what? I got socks yesterday and I was fucking psyched. That's how old I am. I asked for nothing for Christmas and that's what I got and I've never been more happier on Christmas. I got socks in underwear and I got this little fucking fancy-schmancy thing to carry cigars where I'm gonna go meet a buddy to go smoke a cigar. That's all I got. And you know what? I loved it. Fucking loved it. Oh, my wife also got me a sweater. She got me a sweater. She goes, it's cashmere. Put it on. I go, don't have a t-shirt on. It's gonna be itchy, right? She's like, it's cashmere and they put it on. It's fucking itchy. And she's like, no it isn't. That's funny. I really want to convey to you women out there, okay? Itchy means itchy,

okay? No means no. Itchy means itchy, all right? The fucking sweater is itchy. Fucking stick me in a goddamn sweater. I know what you're doing. I got a wedding ring on and that already says I'm off the market. But what if that whore has bad eyesight? Stick him in a sweater. Anyway, I just had the perfect Christmas and my daughter's old enough to, you know, do the whole Santa Claus thing now. And we fucked up though. She saw one of her best gifts outside. I had it outside the door. I had her on my shoulders. She immediately pointed over. She's like, trampoline. I'm like, oh Jesus. All right, now what am I going to close with? And then she saw her big dollhouse too because I couldn't wrap it. It was fucking gigantic. So everything else

was kind of like, oh actually no. She got a couple of Doc McStuffin things that she loved or whatever. But she was so psyched and just at like a great age, you know? So that was all fun. My wife's gorgeous. I got her some stuff, you know, to let her know how beautiful I thought she was. She liked it. And I sat down and I fucking I told her because we have a family coming over. I just said, listen, I'm fucking sick after that thrash you put me through on Christmas Eve. All right, because we were basically we were supposed to like we got up in the morning and like we weren't doing shit. We were going to go to the Christmas Mass. And then we were going to go to a Christmas party. That's what it was going to be. And then something else happened.

And, you know, we added that, right? Went to a brunch, which was it was all awesome stuff, but it just it turned the whole fucking day. It just went from our day starting at three to it starting at nine. It didn't end till 11 at night. And it just it just kept fucking going. My daughter barely got a nap and then she was crying. She was all upset or anything, but she was totally cool during the Mass and everything like that. So and I told her during the day I go, I'm getting sick. We're doing too many things. I'm getting sick. And she just went, oh, sorry. Do you want to take a quick nap? What in the 20 minutes that we that we have left in this fucking day that are actually mine? You know, and I get sick. I get sick because

she say sorry. Oh God, I wish I could come down here. I love my wife to death. I'd love to break her balls about this because she'd somehow turn it around on me as much as she did it. And not because that would annoy me. I would just be fascinated with the process. Well, you should have known I was going to drag you around taking some fucking feet. So anyway, I got very little for Christmas in an awesome way. You wait when you get older, you'll understand how great it is to put our new pair of socks on makes you feel fucking five years younger. You know, and I have all these old clothes and there's this fucking skid row strip. I'm going to go down there. Just give all that shit away because I know if I give it to Goodwill, I got a better chance of that getting

to a fucking homeless person like you think it's going to be a homeless person. It isn't. It's just going to be some fucking hipster picking through your shit, you know, and then the rest of it. I don't know what the fuck they do with it. Just fucking throw it out. It all ends up in the ocean as far as I can tell. So I want to thank the NBA, the players. Wasn't that great of them to play hoop yesterday? Give you something to do other than sit there and fucking stare at the Christmas tree with no presents underneath it. I'm having one of these fucking colds with both my nostrils are clogged. It doesn't make sense. One's supposed to be working. The other's supposed to be fucking getting better and they switch off. They're not supposed to both be asleep at the wheel.

There's anything worse with both your nostrils are fucking clogged up and then you go to swallow and there's nowhere for the fucking air to go. Make sure you make that weird noise. Anyways, Celtics beat the Raptors for the first time since 2015 in Toronto. What a statement on how tough the Raptors were to beat at home because we've had some great teams over the last four years. The Bruins beat the Capitals. Why? Why do they put four on them in the first period? You know why? Because I wasn't watching. That's why. If I watch, they have a bad fucking game. You watch. I'm watching the next one. We'll see. Actually, I'm not turning myself into the jinx. All right, don't do that to me. Okay? Because I will not sit here and take that.

I will not. Anyway, what the fuck am I right now? Why does this thing keep shutting down on me? You know, I'll tell you right now, how many people do you know podcasting are so desperate to keep their name in the game of show business that they actually podcast with a cold the day after Christmas by themselves to clogged up nostrils in an old track suit and fuzzy slippers. All right. So the new year's coming. You guys got any resolutions? I got a resolution. I'm gonna start taking fucking vitamins. I'm coming on my whole fucking year. I didn't drink at all this year. Oh boy. Isn't that exciting? I don't have any awesome stories and funny anecdotes. No, I'm gonna, uh, I, you know,

I got a fucking, I got a bunch of shit I have to get rid of and I have to get rid of it in a way that I know it's not going to end up in the ocean. So what I like to do, like I have this stupid little fucking, I think they call it a caddy. And it's a dumb thing that I put all these business cards in of all these fucking people. I don't even know who they are anymore. They don't know who I am. It's just stupid, right? They're business cards. When did business cards end? Six years ago, nobody has a fucking business card. Anyway, I got a bunch of that shit just sitting in this little plastic hunk of shit that I bought at Staples. You know what I do? I then go down to Staples with that thing that I bought at Staples.

All right. I bend down and act like I'm tying my shoe in case they're filming me. I'm kidding. I don't take it that far. I just set it down in the parking lot near there. And then some fucking scavengers going to come in there and they're going to be like, oh my God, is that a free caddy? And they take the shit. I do that with like, you know, drum shit that I don't want. I go down to guitar center and I just put it in a bag and I just leave it there. And some kid comes by and takes it. Sometimes people give me drumsticks to the wrong fucking size. What am I going to do? Just throw it out. Some tree died. I'll bring it down there. Some young fucking, the next goddamn Tommy Lee or fucking Tommy Aldridge, all the

Tommy's from my generation. Right? The next John Theodore, right? They come by and they use them. That's how I throw out shit, right? Old bottle of booze that I'm not going to fucking drink. What do I do with it? Do I throw it out? They pour it down the drain. So it becomes part of the recycled drinking water. I knock people off their fucking sobriety now. I don't, I don't. I go down. It's an elementary school right down the street and I just, I just, you know, lean it up against the chain link fence, right? No, I don't do that. You know what I do is I invite people over and I pour a fucking, I got a heavy hand. We had a Christmas party over here. I got rid of two bottles of shit. It's great. I was like, why am I hanging out of these fucking things?

I'm not going to lie to you. I got a couple bottles of Papi Van Winkle and I, you know, no. All right. Someday when I go to the doctor, he's just like, I got good news. I got bad news. All right. What's the good news? You're going to be drinking a lot of Papi after this next sentence. Anyways, and I'll tell you another thing. I am all eggnogged out. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. I think I drank a three quarters of a gallon of fucking eggnog over the holiday and I feel like it. Oh my God, I feel like shit. But how about those fucking clippers? That clippers Lakers game was great. I know Snoop didn't like it, but I enjoyed it. Granted, I'm a Celtics fan. He's a Laker fan, but I fucking liked it. I thought it was a great game

and it doesn't mean anything. It's, I mean, it's December. Like that guy there. What was his billings? Barbara Billingsley, the fucking guy who fucking blocked LeBron's shot. You see him running off the court with the number one figure. Number one, what? With the best team on Christmas day. You don't get a ring for that. That's why I love that Leonard guy. I love that guy. But you can't have a bunch of Lenards. That'd be all super boring. The whole fucking regular season. You scored 50 points. What can you say about that? Well, you know, it's just game number 70. So, I mean, you don't win anything. You do that. So, you know, just taking one game at a time. Did you feel a certain level of excitement when 20,000 people were all chanting your name?

I mean, it's my name. I mean, I didn't pick it. My parents gave it to me. You know, government uses it to follow me around. I mean, that's just how it is. I guess, you know, maybe some lobbyists could maybe change those laws, but I mean, I'd be honest with you, I don't hear the crowd. Is there anything that excites you? Well, I mean, if this interview would end sooner rather than later, I think that that would be mildly exciting. Okay, that's it. All right, great. I'm gonna go have a threesome with a look of like I'm waiting for a bus. Good evening. And Merry Christmas. All right. Should I do the reads here? Is that what I should do? Just a lonely man in a tracksuit with a cold. You know, even when they redo a tunnel, they're

smart enough to keep one side open. Sure, the traffic's a little bad. I don't understand what's going on here. It's like they're re we're redoing the Lincoln tunnel. They did both fucking sides. I'm just a little frustrated. That's all. Hey, but I don't even forgot to bring up how about Eddie Murphy on SNL? How great was that? And how great was it in the beginning when he did the monologue came out? He was hilarious. And then all the guys that he influenced all came out of all of amazing careers, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Tracy Morgan, that was fucking, I thought that was amazing. And then watch him bring back some of those older characters. It was surreal. Like, what's this guy up to now, Mr. Robinson? Is Gumby still pissed off? It was fucking great.

I thought I thought when he when he got to the desk, by the time he got to the desk, he was just like he never left SNL. And he was improving. And he was making everybody laugh. It was just amazing. I like what he called Colin Jost's headshot. I mean, that's literally like, basically, a headshot is the best you're ever going to look. It always looks like, like, you're like, if say you're a six in your headshot, you look like an eight. That's just how it works. Your hair is perfect. Your teeth are fucking white. You don't have any booze weight on you. Colin Jost looks like that walking around. That's how I understood the joke to be. I thought it was, that was my favorite thing that he said. And I was so like

when he had, when he was on the, the bake the cake sketch, I liked those human teeth. Yes, yes, those are anyway, that was fucking awesome. And I'm hoping that that that is a little little precursor to him doing another standup special because I keep hearing this going to happen. And then I hear it's just a rumor. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if it's confirmed. I have no idea. But I told you guys, I know it's just a million times. But if you knew to my podcast, I saw Eddie Murphy live doing standup. I saw him on the raw tour in the purple suit at Great Woods and the weather girls opened up. It's raining man. Hallelujah. I saw a lot of legends of that time. I saw dice clay.

I saw him at the, in 89 at the Worcester centrum, November of 89 or November of 88. I think it was 89. I forget. Oh, it was fucking amazing. I saw, uh, oh, who's that guy? He died Morton Downey Jr. I went to a live taping and that show, he took it on the road. He just had these fucking, these plants in the crowd to say crazy shit. He would be screaming and yelling and I'm telling you go fuck yourself, you motherfucker. You got, and we were just going nuts. It just, it just, me and my buddy went to laugh at the people that were there. We kind of went there like hipsters. Like we went there to laugh at it and also we enjoyed the shit out of it. I don't know. I saw a lot of 80s, cool 80s shit. There was a legendary radio station in W, uh,

in Massachusetts WBCN and I, in 1985 or 86, I went down and saw a charity softball game where the, the disc jockeys and all the people that worked at WBCN played a softball game against Huey Lewis and the news and their roadies and everybody was rooting for Huey Lewis and the news and me and my buddy were like heckling him. My buddy's going Huey, you're going to lose. You got nothing. He was pitching. I just remembered the bass player who always had the cool vibe and Huey Lewis with the long trench coat and the dangling cigarette. He went up to plate, still dressed like that. You know, he had the cigarette dangling in the whole thing. He was fucking cool as shit. I'm trying to think what else I saw back then. All that random fucking 80s

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give you behind the scenes of what they're texting right there in that moment? I don't got anything to hide. All right. Well, what are we going to do with the final six minutes of this podcast? Let's talk about some of the goals that you want to achieve. All right. Let's start with the basics. Who are you with? Are you happy with who you are with? Do they challenge you? If you don't like them, get rid of them. Tell them to beat it. That's what you do. Breaking up with somebody is really hard, but if you buy the Thriller album, can you imagine if you actually had the balls to do that, break up with somebody, with beat it going on in the background? It's not working out. I fucking hate the fucking sound of your voice. No, you can't do that. You got to be

nice about it. It's not you. It's me. Don't say that. No, it's you and how me interacts with you. It's not working out. I'm not happy. I'm looking for more than this. There's got to be a bigger love out there than this, right? Or if you're in love, fucking lock it down. Oh my god. I was at a fucking party the other night and somebody asked that douchiest fucking question you can possibly ask of a couple. You know what it is? How long have you guys been together is so beyond fucking rude. You should be able to take a drink and just throw it in the person's face. You're just trying to cause a fucking fight with that couple. How long have you guys been together? You know, no matter what the number is, it's always wow.

People always do that shit. That one happens and you get engaged. Oh, wow. Yeah. You're going to try to have a kid right away. You're going to try to have a kid. You're going to have a kid. All right. Then you have a kid. You're going to have another. You're going to have a brother and then you're going to have another. All right. Every fucking. Oh, they're the fuck it. I fucking hate people. It's not even that they asked that. It's that they do that and they act like they don't know what the fuck they're doing. So how long have you been together? Wait, wait. Have you guys been together for two or two and a half years? Two and a half. Wow. That's all that needs to be said. If you don't like somebody, that's a great thing

to say in front of this significant other. Oh my God. Can't fucking breathe. Jesus Christ. I don't take any of that fuck. Last night I did. I actually took some Nyquil and then I watched Uncut Jumps for the second time. Fucking incredible movie. You gotta go see it. And then I went to sleep and I woke up with what you're hearing right now and I went and I took another shot of it and in my head I was like, oh my God, I'm just like little Wayne. I'm like one of those Atlanta rappers. It's like, I want to be drinking lean, but I don't know what the other ingredients are because I believe Nyquil and Sprite with a cough drop is lean or drag. What the hell is it called?

They got Dayquil, right? Can you fucking do some Jell-O shots at Dayquil and actually legally get behind the wheel of a car? These are the questions that I ask. Anyway, this is what I'm going to do. Okay, I've never fucking asked anybody that. How long you guys been together? I'll ask it individually to the guy. I would never say that to the woman. Do you need to boyfriend or yet? How long you been together? You know? The only way I would ask that would be if I was trying to bang her and it's just like, oh, she's locked down. All right. Well, how long you been with this guy? Yeah. So, uh, are you only going to hold it pattern? Hey, would you like to fucking refuel over here? Sorry.

Anyway, so I'm going to clean up my shit and I'm going to write a Christmas Eve song. The day is wide open. Nobody writes a Black Friday song that that day is still fucking open. Nobody's really writing a good Thanksgiving song. Look at speaking of uncut jumps. Look at Adam Sandler. Nobody wrote a fucking Hanukkah song in forever. And then he wrote one. You hear that every fucking year. You got to jump on the shit that nobody's doing. I think it's high time that somebody wrote a Christmas Eve song. Okay, Bill, we got it. But anyway, no, I'm going to, I got a couple things might like, uh, this one thing about my house is I don't want fucking clutter. Okay. And it's a, it's a, you know, it's, it's a very difficult thing to do with when you, when you

with a woman. I'm nesting. No, you're just buying shit and you're not dealing with your fucking emotions. That's what you're doing. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. I thought you enjoyed your Christmas gift. Sorry. I'm not even this upset with anything in the world right now. It's just, I can't fucking breathe. So everything's going to sound a little fucking little upsetting this week. You know, it'd be great if I actually had to do a read about fucking helping out kids in the fucking moon I'm in. You know, each day, these little fucking bastards don't have enough to fucking eat and be nice. If you could break off a little bit of your sandwich and try and, you know, fucking, you know, dry freeze it, whatever you got to do, get it to them. So it's not stale.

Even then, when they give a shit, they don't have any food. They'll still fucking eat it. Anyway. Oh, God, I got a fucking headache, too. I gotta go do all this bullshit. No, two things. All right, the garage is a place I play drums in. And it's a place where I fucking work out. And I keep my truck. That's it. It is not a place to stick the shit that doesn't fit in the fucking house anymore, because you bought more shit. If something needs, if my wife is starting to put something in the garage, I'm like, we're selling that, we're giving that away. It's like, but I like it. Then why isn't it in the house? You know, you like me. Do you make me live in the garage? You're sending this thing to the

garage. You're done with it. It's over. Let it go. Okay, but I like it. They always go with the emotion. You know, we got a couple of fucking things. I can't stand. I hate when you do laundry, right? And then the clothes just sit there on top. Like there's always just clothes in there. It's like, if they're fucking dirty, wash them. If they're clean, fold them and fucking put them away. Instead of having this fucking, it drives me up the fucking wall. Tell me what we got to get rid of. You know those stupid fucking bags you have, so you don't go and, you know, use plastic bags? We have about a thousand of those fucking things. We have more than, I'm going to fucking, that's nothing. I'm going to go down and fucking skid row

and give it to those people. Those people love bags. They don't love the reason that they need bags, but they'd love to have a bag. I'm fucking going out of there. You know, they're always grabbing plastic bags. I guess they're recycling them in a way. I don't know. That's my thing. I got a flat screen TV I don't like. You know what I'm going to take that off the wall, take it right down to fucking skid row, right? Those people can all sit around and fucking watch bowl games and then watch themselves get interviewed about being homeless on their own TV with some chick who's impossibly hot, but evidently can't act. So if she became a on location reporter, newscasters, the ladies, they used to be journalists. Now they're just these fucking

hotties. If you notice that they just fucking smoke shows. I think that's why, you know, nobody's doing anything about global warning, warming, warning, global warming. Because the fucking reporters, they're so goddamn good looking. You're just like, Jesus Christ, look at that guy's teeth. How are they that white? Oh my God, look at the fucking rack on that broad. The polar bears are dying. Yeah, they're your fucking teeth are whiter than a polar bear, sweetheart. You know, but you can't get ugly people to read the news because then everybody you're distracted by that. What you need is somebody in the middle. We got to get fives and sixes to read the fucking news, the important shit, and it needs to be unbiased, which is impossible.

I forget it. I thought I had a fucking solution there. It's not going to fucking work. The fives and sixes just walking around resenting the fucking, you know, the Jan Brady's a fucking looks jealous of ugly people and good looking people, ugly people. All right, how are you jealous of me? Well, at least you get a reaction, you know? You know what regular people are? They're like the fucking, you know, the, you know, when you order something, you know, those peanuts, they're like cushions, whatever the fuck you bought good, the good looking person is the product that's in the box. And then ugly people are the box, especially if it got delivered by UPS, the way they fucking overwork those people, the way they kick them around. Amazon

overworks their people too, but they're too fucking sleepy to fucking kick a box around. All right, I think that's the podcast, right? Yeah, batteries love Jesus Christ. All right, I apologize. This one came off a little, you know, not as, you wouldn't know, I actually said to my wife last night that this is the best Christmas I've ever had. I just fucking, I loved it. I got to read the night before Christmas to my daughter. And she's been helping me with my anger, you know, big time. She just goes, daddy, no yelling. Daddy beat daddy, you have to be nice to people. I'm like, you're right, you're right, buddy. You're right. Sorry about that. And then she always smiles and we do like,

she does the thumbs up, but you got to touch the thumbs. That's what we do. So now she so knows when I'm losing my temper that even when I like whisper, I'll be driving down the street and I'll just be going like this fucking motherfucker, but if you got daddy, no screaming, and I'll be like, all right, buddy, you're right, you're right. Thumbs up, boom. It's amazing. And it's actually, it's actually working. So anyway, all right, thank you to everybody listening to my podcast this year. Thank you to the NBA players for working on Christmas and entertaining everybody. That's it. I hope all you guys have a happy, healthy, and successful 2020.

I hope you fucking follow your hearts, go after what you want, say what you're feeling, you know, but don't be a fucking asshole. And I hope you have an open mind. And if somebody has a difference of opinion than you do, there's no reason to cancel them. You can just move on. We can all be adults, right? We can all be adults, right? Let's try to get along a little more in 2020. There's nothing wrong with this state. There's nothing wrong with that state. No states are any colors. It's just people doing what they're doing in their fucking state. Everybody fucking relax. All right.

You know, and if you're an adult, you should be above wanting to win an award. All right, that's it. Everybody go fuck yourselves. I'll see you on Monday. Stay together. We are. So much time wasted. Playing games with love. So many tears are crying. So much pain inside. But baby, it ain't over till it's over. So many games we've tried to keep in love. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, December 26,

2011. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the final Monday of this year. Huh? What are you gonna do with it? You're gonna sit around and look at those gifts that you kind of wanted, but not really because some cunt didn't buy you the right thing despite the fact you fucking wrote it down. Yeah, no turtlenecks. I don't want any fucking turtlenecks. I know, but I just thought you might like this one. What made you think that, sweetheart? The fact that I said I didn't fucking want it. I'm not yelling. This is frustration. Oh, you fucking yell too. What the fuck is with people? They sit there and they bitch, right?

And they go, oh my God, you're so hard to shop for. I just don't know what to get you. Just make me, see, make them a fucking list. You give them four goddamn things and what happens on Christmas? You don't get one of those fucking things, right? And you're sitting there going, I don't want to be a selfish cunt, but what the fuck? You know, you told me you wanted the little kitty carry all fucking goddamn iPad thing. Didn't I go out and get you that motherfucker? It's unreal. And you know, it's just every fucking year this is bullshit. Or they get you the wrong fucking color. I'm telling you, it's the most frustrating fucking thing ever. So then what happens? It's after Christmas and now you got to go return all this bullshit.

Or just go online and buy yourself whatever the fuck you want it anyways, right? Isn't that what you got to do? And I don't know right now this is, you know, I know Christmas is, you know, totally an American holiday here. So I don't mean to close out or shut out any of my fucking listeners over there in Europe. I know you don't celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas. I get it. It's part of our history. Santa Claus is American. I just love doing shit like that because I know a good 15% of my European listeners actually thought I was serious that I didn't think that they had Christmas. Do they know it's Christmas time? I know you guys celebrate Christmas. You know why? Because the Vatican is over there in Italy.

Belissimo. Those El Dente douchebags with their big fucking hats walking around trying to tell you how to live life as they steal gold from Jewish people in the fucking World War II as they play a little patty cake with some eight-year-old nuts, right? The fuck is wrong with you? How long can you sit there? I look, I get the seven deadly sins. I get the 10 commandments. Just live your life that way. All right, but for the love of God, you know, you know, kills me about people really get into this shit, you know, and I guess I should respect them because, you know, for all I know this stuff's 100% true, but my gut tells me it isn't. My gut tells me that's a bunch of made-up fucking stories by a bunch of goddamn psychopaths. That's what my gut tells me, you know, and I've

been watching a lot of Oprah lately, okay, and I'll tell you something about that big fish I'd fucking jackass. She says to go with your gut, all right, and like the Catholic Church, she's also worth a billion dollars. Okay, so I'm going with her fucking wide, flat ass sitting on that big fucking sofa telling me how to live my fucking life. All right, Oprah, you broke through, you broke the seal. I'm listening to you now. Go with your gut. Well, that's what my gut tells me. You know, I remember when I was a kid, when I was just a lad, when I was just a tyke, when I was somebody who didn't have a license and I rode around on a bicycle because no one was scared of pedophiles back in the day because there weren't any, they would just call dirty old men. Stay away from

these dirty old men, you know, and they always had on dickies, and you know, and their dick was hanging down to their fucking goddamn knees, right? Stayed away from them. We didn't have video games, so we were in good cardio shape back then. You could run away from a fucking dirty old man. But anyways, when I was just a lad, when I was just a child, I used to listen to all those heavy metal albums, and that was the big thing in the eighties. Oh my god, these albums are making people do shit. That is evil. It's making them kill themselves. It's making them kill others. It's causing them to do drugs. It's causing all this fucking shit. So what would they do? They try to take Ozzy Osbourne with that suicide solution. They try to take that out of the stores.

Remember Rob Halford, huh? That gay screamin' queen that none of us knew was gay despite the fact he did everything in his fucking he could possibly do to let us know that he was blowing people at the end of the concert? We didn't know. We had no idea. They came down on him. They tried to get rid of Judas Priest records. All that shit. All of that shit. You know what kills me? I was thinking of this the other day, that if the Bible was a heavy metal album, I mean, are you fucking kidding me? If any heavy metal album caused the amount of deaths that the Bible did, caused the amount of people to go fucking crazy, you know, that the Bible did? That shit woulda got yanked right out of record town, right out of strawberries, records and tapes,

right out of good vibrations. Remember all those record stores? You know? They would be over. But the thing about it is, is it's making too much money. You know? It's like the Michael Jackson thriller of albums. It's just, it's a fucking moneymaker. It keeps people in line. There's a lot of good stuff about the Bible. I mean, I really think that if they didn't have some sort of religious moral code in the world, people would just be walking around shaking their dicks at everybody, wouldn't they? I mean, think about that. If there was no fear of going to hell, how many murders would you have under your belt at this point? Or at least psychotic fucking beatdowns? Wouldn't you have a bunch?

You know? Oh, better yet, when you got your fucking ass kicked, how many would have gotten killed for some of your fucking behavior? Every once in a while, you see a glimpse of what the world would be like if we just fucking threw down, which brings me to our one and only YouTube video of the week. Did you guys see the beatdown at McDonald's where that dude was standing there and these two ladies came into the McDonald's? It's the one right down there on you get off the West 4th Street? E-Train, right there down in the village. You know? Two blocks over, Joe's Pizza. That's a good slice of pizza. Right as you come out of there, Spike Lee's probably filming people playing basketball and handball, going, yo, this is New York City. Right? I trashed

him on Twitter yesterday. He was talking shit about my Boston Celtics, you know? So I said something, but I kept it funny hoping that he would still put me in one of his movies, you know? And I could either play a complete nerdy white guy who doesn't understand Black people or an over-the-top racist. Anyways, I give a fuck. Get me in a movie. I'll do it. So anyways, at McDonald's down there, so these two ladies, they walk into the McDonald's, okay? And they try and buy a goddamn Big Mac in a Happy Meal and they throw a $50 bill on the counter. Right there, major red flag. Who the fuck pays for McDonald's with a $50 bill? Who even has $50 and is going to go into McDonald's?

Nobody. There's not been a $50 bill in McDonald's since they started that fucking place. So these ladies try to pass this 50 and the guy behind the counter, he starts looking at the 50 and he's like, excuse me, ladies, I don't think that this is real. So they go, listen, motherfucker, you better give us a goddamn fish filet and whatever, quarter pound of with cheese and give us a fucking change or we're going to fuck you up. And he said, I don't think so. And then this girl just hauls off and slaps the guy, slaps him. And then the other one, and then she climbs up over the counter. Now the other one just starts just really slowly, just walking around the counter like, well, I guess we got to

fuck this guy up. This is what we do. And the guy backs up into the fry later area. And I don't know where the fuck he found this goddamn lead pipe. It was like a cart, you know, like in the cartoons, when Bugs Bunny would just sort of, you know, he'd be standing sideways, you'd have a side view and he'd have a problem and he would just turn to the blind side and all of a sudden he'd have a giant hammer and he'd hit Elmer Fudd over the head and you'd be like, where the fuck did that come from? Was that leaning up against his right rabbit leg and I didn't see it? How did Elmer Fudd not fucking see it? Now with that gigantic head of his, how did he not view that as a threat? This guy did the real life version of that. He was backing up, backing up and he was

next to some French fries and next thing you know, he's got this lead pipe. Oh, and he just fucking starts wearing these girls out with it. Bam, bam, bam. I got to give it up to those girls. They took a good three, four each and then they disappeared under the counter and he just keeps fucking hitting them. Bam, bam, bam. And this lady's going, stop it, stop it, stop it. And he just keeps fucking going. Like a fucking, like this bitch is screaming. It's like those little doggy toys. You know those little doggy toys that squeak. You know, they make those little noises. You know why dogs get so excited? Because it sounds like a fucking animal dying. And it taps into their wild animal side. So this bitch is thinking she's helping shit.

She should have been like, excuse me, is that something you really want to do? Instead she's going, stop it, stop it. And this guy's, he just fucking, he won't stop hitting them. Will not stop fucking hitting them. All right. So you know how this shit works. Fucking two ladies attack a guy. Doesn't make a difference. They can sit there and slap you around like you're a fucking cartoon. You're supposed to be like, they're women. I need to respect them. This guy said, fuck that. Fuck that. And like Bugs Bunny turned to the side and there was this magic lead pipe and he fucking kicked the shit out of both of them. So of course he gets arrested for assault. And I got to admit, I was totally supporting what he was doing through the first 37

hits. It's the last 19 that I'm just like, all right, all right, okay, okay. Neil was saying he actually was like that dude in drive when he stomped that kid's, that guy's head in in the elevator. He kind of went to that level. But at the end of the day, I'm like, well, that's why you don't go around slapping people in the fucking face because they might have gone to magician school and they know how to magically have a fucking goddamn lead pipe out of nowhere. All right, so this guy's going to trial and I'm thinking there's no fucking way. Then you find out this dude actually has a record. This guy went to jail for manslaughter. All right. And he got out. And there's only two places that you can get a job after you've gone to jail for manslaughter.

You can either get into show business, or you can work at McDonald's. All right, you can't get a job at fucking Macy's. There is a glass ceiling. When you go to jail for fucking manslaughter, that's it. Unless your dad owns a company, you can get into sales, you can sell somebody a fucking piece of shit car, but you're not selling a Mercedes. You're going to be at Sam's hot car lot down the street. All right, reservoir dogs, anybody? That's why right there. Okay, before I even continue talking about this story, that right there, ladies and gentlemen, is why you don't walk around slapping perfect strangers in the face. It's because you don't know their backstory. You don't know what they've done.

You don't know what they're capable of doing. This is a guy who already took somebody's life. And you're looking at him like, oh, hey, what's up there, McFrench fry guy? Take this 50 or I'm going to slap the shit out of you. And you don't realize that this guy has been in fucking prison. All right. He probably knows how to turn that piece of paper with Ulysses s grant, turn that into a fucking shank. Somehow he figured out how to do it. You know what I mean? So these two ladies get an unbelievable life lesson in why you can't walk around acting like you're some action hero in real life. So anyway, so it goes to trial and I can't fucking believe it. I'm like, there's no way this guy's not getting convicted. He's fucking,

he's a guy. He beat down two women with a fucking pipe. He went above and beyond with this shit and he has a record. It's fucking over. Right? It's over. He's not rich. You know, it's over. This guy is going to jail. I can't fucking believe it. He got off. The guy got acquitted. So for once on the podcast, I'm actually happy. And I can tell you this, if they convicted of them of a lesser charge because he just kept hitting them, I wouldn't have been mad because I would have been like, dude, they were down. They were fucking down and they were down and then they were part of the tile and you was still fucking hitting them. We have this clip, by the way, on the MMPodcast page has now been turned over. The new fan page is just billbird.com.

You just go to my podcast page. And anyways, we'll have the video up there and I'll let shit. So anyway, he got off and they charged the women with shit and I don't think that they're getting off. They'll probably get lesser because they're because they're women. You know what I mean? And that's just women always get less time, it seems, you know, because at the end of the day, the judge thinks, well, maybe if I give him a little less time, they'll come over here and blow me under my robe. I don't know what the deal is. I told you that story a few weeks ago when I saw that this amazing trumpet player, you know, and I was like, man, never heard of this guy. And I found out he was murdered by his fucking girlfriend in 1972 and she got out of jail in 1978.

I would go to jail longer for parking tickets than she did for killing a guy shot him right up on the bandstand, took out a gun and fucking shot this. They had an argument. She left. She came back with the gun and she shot this dude on the fucking bandstand. All these goddamn witnesses. And she did that in 72 and was out by 78. So let's just say they went, they flew through her trial, sent her right to trial. She still only did five and a half years. I don't know. I don't know how that fucking works. And I bet she was able to forgive herself, the fucking sociopath that she is, and she was able to go on and live her life. And then that guy is in the ground cold as his goddamn trumpet.

So anyways, what does this all mean, people? What does it all mean? This is what it means. It's the day after Christmas. All right? Who's kidding who? You got some of the stuff you wanted. You got a lot of shit you didn't want. And you got some other shit that reminded you how fucking old you are. All right? Now you're in this sort of lull in between Christmas and New Year's. All right? You're probably at home. You're visiting some relatives or even worse, your goddamn in-laws. And you're in this miserable state. Okay? And you got this weird feeling of like, I just want to go home. All right? But when I go home, I have to go back to work and the bullshit starts over again. Is there no end? Is there no fucking oasis that I can look to?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have a suggestion. Why don't you buy yourself something nice? Huh? Better yet, why don't you go on amazon.com? Holy fuck, is this a commercial? I think it is. I finally figured out how I'm going to try and make some money on this podcast. This is what you do, people. All right? Who's kidding who? You know, we all thought about the people who had less than us. We all did that yesterday. All right? But that was yesterday. And now it's today. It's time to go back to being the selfish cunt that you are, that I am, that that guy sitting across from you on the subway right now as you fucking listen to this podcast is. All right? Go out and get yourself something nice. All right? If you want to fucking help me out on the podcast, just go to

billburr.com. You click on podcast. And if you look on the right hand side of the page, right under where it says to click on iTunes to subscribe, you'll see amazon.com. Shop Earth's biggest selection. If you click on there and you go to Amazon and you buy something, they're going to kick me some of that cash ain't going to cost you a fucking dime extra. Not going to cost you an extra dime. All right? And you'll actually kick some money to me for doing this podcast every fucking week. And then you know what I'm going to do 10% of everything that I make, I'm kicking over to the wounded warriors project. Okay? So what are you? You're killing three birds with one stone. All right? You make it up for the fact that you got that awful fucking turtleneck that you didn't

want. All right? Now you're going out and getting yourself an iPad or some shit that you really wanted. See, you're satisfying that. Meanwhile, you're kicking me a little bit of money for making you giggle every goddamn Monday. And then on top of that, you're helping out the soldiers who came back who got wounded. That right there is what's known as hitting a fucking trifecta. Ladies and gentlemen, I can't do any better than that. The great thing is, is you don't even have to fucking do it. It's totally up to you. All right, you cunts. Can I make it any more easier than that? So please, if you're going to buy anything on the internet, please do it on amazon.com and go through my website on the podcast page and just click right on that box.

I'd really appreciate it. You know, because I'd like to buy myself some stuff. You know, eventually I'm going to get a chair down here. You know, I'm laying on the floor right now with my head leaned up against the guitar case of a guitar. I can't even fucking play. One of these days I'm going to get the balls to start playing my guitar on this podcast. You guys can hear how truly fucking awful I am, despite the fact that I've been playing for years. So anyways, what are we going to talk about this week on the podcast? We are 20 minutes in, 20 tremendous minutes in. This has been a good podcast so far. It's been a lot of passion. It's been a lot of screaming. Anyways, oh, I know what I wanted to talk about.

How about a moment of silence for another two, for the next two great men who are about ready to be sliced in half by their fucking ex-wives? How about a moment of silence for Kobe Bryant, that fucking warrior, okay, who had an injury to his fucking right hand that would have kept most people out for half a season. He didn't even miss a fucking game. Showed up hitting all kinds of big shots, an absolute fucking warrior. He is about ready to have to fork over $190 million to his fucking ex-wife. I'm going to talk to all the fucking women right now who are going, that's right, that's right. This is what I want from you guys this week. I want you to justify the fucking divorce laws in this country. I want you to justify them.

I want you to tell me why she deserves $190 million. I want you to justify it. Don't just go, well, that's because that's the law. That's what the law says. So there you go. I don't want that. I want you to justify it. Like if I asked you why is murder illegal, you wouldn't be like, well, that's the law. That's what it says. So that's what you do. You'd be like, because life is the most precious thing on this planet and everything has the right to be alive and you need to respect that. You only get one life and for someone to take your life is the worst thing you could. That's how you would defend that law. I have fucking racked my brain to try and justify how anybody is entitled to $190 million

of somebody else's fucking money. Remember that story I told you last week? Sure, we all do. I'm going to bring it up. This fucking guy got accused of rape, gets convicted, goes to jail, 25 years in fucking prison. They find out afterwards through the new DNA technology that he didn't fucking do it. Without a doubt, we had the wrong guy. You know what he got? For 25 years of trying to make sure somebody didn't stick their dingaling in his fucking door knob. Didn't he make sense? Whatever. He got $4 million. Four million bucks. This bitch has been living high on the fucking hog for 10 fucking years. You know, can't even hit a fucking layup on a goddamn nerf hoop set and she's going to get

$190 million fucking dollars. Ladies, I want you to justify, you fucking justified that to me. That is the biggest crock of fucking shit ever. You know what I love? And then I'll go, well, he fucked around. He fucked around. Yeah, he did fuck around. So he should have to pay for it, but should be $190 million. Come on. That's fucking ridiculous. Some guy gets falsely accused for rape, spends 25 years in Rikers Island. People slashing each other's faces, throwing boiling water on each other, people getting raped, all this fucking shit you got to go through. And you only get $4 million. This bitch is going to get $190 million. I love how it's looked down upon to cheat on your wife, but it's totally fine to tell somebody that

you love them when you really don't just because of all this shiny shit that they have. You know, look at this. Look at this woman. He fucked around on her. She busted him four or five fucking years ago. The relationship's over. The trust is gone. That relationship was fucking over. Why did she stay? Because he bought her that big yellow fucking diamond. Really? That's why she stays? And then what does she do? She wanted out right then. She wanted out right then, but that money was too fucking good and that bitch stuck around. That big yellow diamond showing it off any fucking where she could. Right? And then what does she do? She hangs around like some jaded cop trying to get her

fucking pension. She sticks around for 10 fucking years. The second 10 years comes around. She gives herself a Christmas gift. Hey, Kobe, go fuck yourself. By the way, that'll cost you $190 million. All right. In my world, this is how that would work. If she wanted the entire 190 million, I'm really burning a lot of material here because I'm going to fucking vent about this on stage. So you're hearing this first. This is like when you hear one of those Zeppelin songs before they fucking polish it off. All right. This is too good not to fucking say on stage. I have to do this shit. If I do say so myself. Or maybe I just love ranting about this shit. This is how she should get this fucking money. All right. Hey, hey, whatever your name is, Bryant. It's not amazing how you

never know what their fucking names are because they don't win any fucking championships or do anything. Right. This is how I think that she should get the 190 million. All right. You start off no matter what Mrs. Whatever your name is, Bryant, you're getting $30 million. Okay. Which is plenty of fucking money. You raise a whole goddamn family on that, live in a nice fucking house and have a nice car and still have 20 million left over. All right. So no matter what, you're getting 30 million. You want to get up to 190 million? Let's go down to the Staples Center, sweetheart. All right. We're going to start off easy. You give them a basketball. You fucking have the whole place jam packed with people screaming at her, shaking the signs and blowing air horns.

Right. All right. If you hit a layup, Mrs. Whatever your name is, Bryant, we're going to give you another 5 million. Right. She hits that. You moved in the next round. Then you go to the foul line. You want to take another 20 million? You got to hit a file shot and everybody's screaming. Just have a bunch of fucking divorce guys sleeping on futon standing behind the backboard screaming at this bitch. You hit that. You moved to the half court line. You hit it. You only get one shot to just like Kobe at the end of the fucking game. How he made all this money by hitting the big shots when there was fucking 20,000 people screaming at him who didn't want him to do it. You go to the fucking half court line. You hit that. What are we up to? What are we up to?

That's 50 million, 55 million. We'll give you 50 million. 50 million. If you hit a half court, then you go to the full court. You go full court. If you hit that, you get you can even hit off the backboard. We don't give a shit. You'll get the other 90. That's how you get your 190. Why don't you fucking earn it? It's unreal. Mel Gibson's wife. Mel Gibson's wife. You know, has she even shot a home movie? She stands to get, he's worth, at one point was worth 800 million. She's going to get $400 million. All right. I want somebody, some female, some human being out there with a vagina to send me an email. I want you to justify, justify $400 million. Tell me why. I don't think you can do it other than say, well, that's what the law said. A hot, hot twist in hair,

right? It's fucking ridiculous. Do you know in some states, if you're riding in a car with, with like a girl who's not of age and she's in her bare feet, that's considered statutory rape, does that make any fucking sense? It doesn't, doesn't. Well, I'm going to tell you right now, these fucking divorce laws make as much sense as that. They're like these old archaic fucking laws. This is the thing, you know, there's a lot of disadvantages to be in a lady. But you know, one of the main advantages of being a woman is that you can be an absolute fucking bum. You can be a bum. You can have no fucking job, no drive. You cannot achieve anything in life. And still come out the other side worth $400 million. Do you know what happens to a guy if

he's a bum? He's a bum. He's fucking homeless. Other than Steadman. Steadman, Oprah's fucking whatever the hell he is. He's the only guy I ever saw that figured out how to be a fucking bum. Oh, there's a, actually, let's be fair. Kevin Federline. Kevin Federline is a bum. That guy is a bum. Britney Spears even built him his own goddamn recording studio and he still couldn't make a hit. Right? Then they get divorced. And what does he do? Sits on his ass and becomes a fat fuck. You know, getting Popeyes fried chicken off of Britney Spears alimony payments. He's a bum. So I guess it can't be done. But come on, who's kidding who? It's very few and far between. You know, I don't know. Maybe women are coming up. Maybe they are making more money.

I saw all those Christmas ads, those Lexus ads where these women were buying their guys' cars. And I got to admit, I was sitting there. I started acting like a woman when I saw that commercial. I was like, Nia, why don't you buy me a car like this fictitious couple that we see on television? That really bothered me seeing that commercial where these women were out there buying cars, not because my male ego couldn't handle some broad buying me a car. It's just the fact that they're putting this out. There was multiple commercials as if this shit is actually going on. As if there's so many fucking women out there buying their fucking men's car that it's worthy of putting it out there like this is some mainstream shit that happens. Hey, fellas, how many guys,

how many, how many of your male friends got a fucking goddamn Volkswagen? Forget about Lexus for Christmas. Anybody? You see any of your male friends walking outside screaming like a bitch in that bathroom jumping up and down looking at some shiny new car with a big ribbon on it? Has that ever happened? I bet Oprah did it. I bet Britney did it. Who else? Sandra Bullock, she married a bum. That's another guy. You know, those guys ought to write a book because they're really treading on some female shit like how to live like a Hooters chick as a guy. You know, how to just be an absolute fucking bum and still come out the other side of goddamn

millionaire. I gotta be honest with you, I couldn't fucking do it. If I was a fucking bum, all right, let me just let's just let's just say I was married to somebody, some lady, right? And she's just running some goddamn empire coming home every day dressed like fucking Nancy Reagan, you know, goddamn brooch just to let you know how powerful she is. And she's buying me all this shit. I have to why I would have to leave the relationship. I would have to leave. And she'd be like, but Bill, you have nothing. And that's the point. I got nothing. I'm a fucking loser. I feel like I'm I feel like I'm 14 years old and I'm still living at home with my parents. I can't I don't have a job. I don't have any goals. I'm not doing anything. I'm just fucking sitting

here going to the gym. Okay. I know what everything costs on the price is right. I shouldn't know that. Do you understand that? I'm sick of playing tennis with the maid. I have to do something with my life. This is fucking pathetic. I know I thought it was what I wanted. I know I got fucking my own sports bar. I have the beers on tap. I got the NFL, NBA, NHL and MLB packages and I'm still not happy because I'm a bum. Mrs. Reagan. All right. I'm out of here. Just give me time to find a job in a one bedroom apartment or a fucking studio. I have to get out of here. You know, but these broads don't give a fuck. Kobe Bryant's ex-wife is a bum and she's going to be worth close to $200 million.

Do you understand that? Dude, he probably doesn't even want a game of checkers in her life. You know, maybe she was good at shoots and ladders. What does she do? I bet she has some bullshit online business. That's what those rich broads always do. So they can act like they have some fucking business, but still stay at home and they're fucking jam jams. I'm working on a computer. You know, going to fucking us magazine.com all fucking day. You're a bum. Mrs. whatever your name is, Bryant. You're a fucking bum. You're a bum. Get a fucking job. The fuck is it going to say on your tombstone? Suck the right dick? Oh man, I got all of that one. Uh, all right. It's now I'm actually sick of talking about it.

Maybe I won't, maybe that won't go to stage. Who the fuck knows go to stage. Did I just say that? We're taking this to the stage. We're having a big production. Um, all right. Where the fuck is the Monday morning podcast? This is, this is the Monday morning podcast everybody. If you're wondering what this is, this is the ramblings of a balding redheaded male and his early soon to be mid 40s. Um, all right, here we go. I got some health advice. You know, I'm always giving you guys advice from all my failures. Um, here's some health advice from Sweden. Uh, hey Bill, I heard that advice you got about losing weight and I say fuck that wannabe macho douchebag. All right, let's, let's go back. This guy last week, actually his advice was you just eat like

a fucking animal for eight hours a day, whatever the fuck you want. I'm paraphrasing here and then you just don't eat shit for the rest of the day. Basically like a cave man, like he just made a kill, like he just took down a bison, except it's made out of Oreo cookies. I know he wasn't suggesting Oreo cookies, but he was just saying eat like a fucking animal for eight hours a day and then you don't eat the other 16 and evidently that works for him. Okay. I don't know whether that's right or wrong, but I'm going to, I'm going to go out on a limb and say there wasn't a lot of fat fuck homeless people, but they also, I mean homeless cave cavemen. That's funny. I was picturing cavemen and I immediately said homeless. Um, anyways, let's plow ahead. Uh, so this guy says

that that's some macho shit. Fuck that. He said to stay in shape. You don't need to fast like a liberal hippie cunt. Oh God. Why is fasting considered liberal? Nobody, nobody who votes Republican fast. I heard it's actually good for you every once in a while to do it. You just, that's like the one part of your body that never really gets a rest other than when you're sleeping. You know, but you'll take like two, three days off of going to the gym. You know what I mean, right? The ears are a little tired. You'll stay away from loud noises for a few weeks, but every day you're fucking chowing down. So anyways, evidently fasting, that also makes you a liberal hippie cunt. Um, if you take an hour walk every day or go running 30 minutes a day and

eat healthy with a moderate amount of carbs, high protein and a good amount of fat and lift weights two to five times a week, I guarantee you'd be in great shape. All right. I don't want to be a cunt, but you just basically described what everybody already knows. Yeah. If you work out two to five times a week and go for an hour hike every day or 30 minutes a day. Um, but the thing is you also have to switch up. You got to switch it up. You know, or else your body gets used to it. Then that's the worst part because then you're, you're working out and you're not seeing any gains, that whole muscle confusion thing. You know what I really think about all this stuff is basically whatever works for you. Whatever works for you. Um, here's another twist on the advice,

but I appreciate the advice everybody. I'll take anything I can get as I slide into my 50s. Um, advice update. Um, here was the original question. I said, Bill, I need some help. I'm a 25 year old dude from Jersey and I've been with my girlfriend for six and a half years. I asked her to marry me in April and she said, yes, great, right? Not so fast. She said, she's a special ed teacher. Oh, I remember this. She wanted you to move. She was having a tough time getting a full-time job. She took an interview in Virginia right outside DC and surprise, surprise. She got it. She took the job and is living with a friend down there. It kind of blows. We only see each other on the weekend. I'm currently a paralegal at a firm in New York and was considering law school, but I've

started to lean towards not going, seeing how lawyers are miserable douchebags. I'm not really a career guy, but I don't want to start over a new place. We talked about me moving there, but I want, I don't want to leave because I'm a Northeast elitist, but she's also talking about moving back after a year, which would be next September. What should I do? Should I move to the fucking Confederacy or stick it out and see if she's going to move back? I forget what I told him. I basically said, you know, how motivated are you? She might be just saying this to get you to move down there and then she's got you down there, then you're legally married, then you're fucked. So here's the follow-up. Anyway, it says, well, it looks like I'm moving in a few months.

He's going to Virginia. I visited a couple of weeks ago and really like it. There are two conditions we have agreed upon. One is that it's not, it's not permanent. Oh, Jesus. Checks in the mail, buddy. And two, I do not have to make friends. I'm going to take this opportunity to go to graduate school and get my masters in library and information science. What the fuck is that? You're going to be a librarian? It's all going on the internet, dude. What are you doing? He said, I know, I know it's kind of gay, but I enjoy reading and research. So I figure I might as well make a career out of it. Thanks for the advice. You know what, dude, I think you're doing the right thing. You know, you don't want

to be some fucking, you're not, you're not some pit bull going to go in there and fight it out with other lawyers. You like chilling. You know, there you go. Speaking of bums, this guy's going to go down there and become a librarian. You're a bum. Get a fucking job. No, I'm kidding. Whatever. If it makes you happy, go ahead and do it. All right. Plowing ahead here. You know, I started this podcast three times. I can't even remember if I even talked about NFL football, you know, but big shout out to fucking Brandon Jacobs for saying what the fuck I've been saying about Rex Ryan for the last three years. All right. And I got, I've actually gone past being annoyed by Rex Ryan and I actually, I still don't want him to win, but I feel bad for that guy.

That guy is, is got like a giant truckload of self-sabotage. You can just see it. It's really getting like cringe worthy. I can't even say that because it's still too early because I don't even think that the fucking, did I already talk about this? I can't even remember. I don't fucking remember. All I know is that thing is going to go one way or the other. That guy is going for broke. He's either going to make it to the promised land or he is going to do the biggest belly flop you ever saw off the George Washington bridge. He might take out a tugboat or two. God bless him, man. I hope that that guy puts his demons to rest because, uh, anyways, let's fly ahead here. Plow ahead. All right. Advice for the week. Bill, I need some advice. And I think you're the one

to kick me in the ass on this. All right. About a year ago, I got involved with this lady at work who I had been crushing on for a couple of years. Everything was great. It was as great as I dreamt it would be. And I couldn't have been much happier except one caveat. She was engaged and he writes here, oh, Jesus. Oh my God, dude. Oh, Jesus. I can't even judge you. You know, who hasn't been there? You know, oh God, this girl was in an abusive relationship. Oh my God, dude, fuck that. You know what you're in right now, dude? You're in a fucking drag racer. The engine is caught on fire and you're starting to do that zigzag where you're trying to keep it in control. The chutes already come out, but you're still going to slam into the wall. Dude,

leave ejection button now. Oh God, this has fucking double homicide, suicide written all over it. This girl was in an abusive relationship, even coming into work with a broken finger one day. So any sympathy I may have had for the guy went out the window. I fell in love with this girl. Dude, what's wrong with you? This is damaged goods. You should fucking take this girl to go get some help so she can work out her childhood issue that she's going to stick around with a guy like this. She said she loved me and I was convinced she was going to call off the wedding. She can't call off the wedding. This guy's fucking breaking her fingers. Dude, this is fucking creepy, man. Creepy, man. Dude, fuck what you want to do. You don't need to either help this girl out,

get her some help, or report this shit. Dude, he broke her finger. What kind of a fucking animal could do that? Can you imagine fucking doing that? What a fucking animal. Anyways, he goes, we all know how this story ends. However, she stays with the douchebag and I'm left broken-hearted. All right, well, lesson learned, buddy. You know, I'm not trying to blame the victim here, but the kind of person that would stay with somebody like that, you know, they have issues. Any girl with some self-esteem, you know, with confidence, the first time a guy does some shit like that, it's fucking over. It's over. You don't stick around and say yes to getting married and all that. This girl needs help. And I got to tell you, dude,

if you want to get up the quickest way to get in a broken heart is to fall in love with damaged goods. Why don't you just go fucking look for your soulmate in a titty bar? All right, I'm being a little harsh. Let me just, let me read the rest of this. Anyways, I obviously stopped talking to her and even though I occasionally started in the office, it wasn't like we had, we had to talk since we worked in different areas. So it was semi-tolerable. Being a selfish bitch though, she kept trying to contact me. She's not being selfish. She's fucking damaged. And I finally relented a few weeks ago and we even made out after the Christmas party. Ah, dude, the same way she stays in that relationship and goes back for more, you're doing the same thing.

You know what? You both need to go to therapy. Oh my God, dude. The drag racer has hit the fucking wall. You know, now you're laying upside down in your fire suit as the flames are lapping at your toes and you're waiting for some fat fuck with a fire extinguisher to come down there. And that's who I am. I'm running down the track, buddy. Hang in there. Let me read the rest of this and let's see if we can get you out of this. So the make out at the Christmas party, was her fucking husband there talking for hours alone afterwards? Or was he already drunk and trying to fuck somebody else you work with? Anyways, she still claims to love me and says how we are perfect and that she knows I'm the one she should be with but can't leave.

All right, that sounds like there's a firearm involved. Complicating matters is she has some health issues that are potentially serious and she worries about not having time to start over. Let me get this straight. You fell in love with somebody with a terminal disease who's engaged to somebody who breaks her fingers and you still need advice. You know what, sometimes you do when your heart's involved. Maybe you just need to hear me say your scenario out loud. Anyways, he goes, part of me is sympathetic for asking her to flip her life upside down. Part of me hates her for not just letting me go and move on. I recently told her to leave me alone, but I'm a weak man when it comes to her. Please help me out and set me straight. Sorry if this was

long, but I felt all the details were necessary. Love the podcast. Thanks. Yeah, dude. I've already given it to you. Yeah, dude, you need to work on your self-esteem. You're telling me that you can't find something, but you can't find a better situation than this. Your biggest problem, dude, is not going to be walking away from this situation because there's only so many times she can stick your fucking balls in a vice. Okay? No matter what, you're just going to walk away from this girl. There's no fucking way you're going to end up with this girl. But what you need to make sure is that you don't repeat this because there's something fucked up with you that you gravitated towards this girl that you need to address. How about we do this

next time around? Okay? No more girls who were engaged. Okay? No more girls who come in with a broken collarbone and a chip tooth because they quote unquote walked into a door 17 times. Let's try and stay away from them. Yeah, the next time you see an abused woman, why don't you try and get her some help rather than fucking her on the copier? Dude, you need to work on yourself. Sit down and write a list of what you're looking for in a mate. All right? And I can guarantee you engaged to someone else won't make the list. Broken finger from person she's engaged with. I bet co-worker won't even be in there, dude. You need an oasis. You got to get away from people. You know? You know what I mean? Nia, get along so fucking great because I go on the road twice

a month. Get the fuck out of here, red. I can't look at your goddamn red beard anymore. All right? So that's what I would do. Worst thing you can do now is rebound and just get into another relationship and use another human being because you don't want to be lonely. You plow through that loneliness, sir. All right? All the money you'd spend breaking some other girl's heart because you don't want to be alone. Spend that on get a sports package. Join a fucking gym. You know, there's got to be something that you always wanted to fucking do when you never did it. Here's one. Why don't you go to the Pro Bowl this year? All that money you would have blown on some other fucking broad. Why don't you go to Hawaii and go to the fucking Pro Bowl? Show up

there in some Robin Williams show. Why not? Go out there and try to fuck some Honolulu, bitch. When are you ever going to get to do that again? Just fucking do it. I know you go, oh, it's going to cost me 700 bucks. You'll spend 700 bucks on some broad between Thanksgiving and Christmas anyways. Do one for yourself. All right? Do something like that. Go have a good fucking time. All right? And just really meditate on what the fuck you're looking for and stay out of something like this. God damn, what a piece of shit. Break somebody's, breaks their goddamn finger. All right. Anyways, plow ahead. That one was depressing. Number two, Bill. I'm 19 years old and have been training in Taekwondo since I was about 11 and teaching since I was 17.

That's fucking awesome. Between tournaments, college and teaching, I don't really have a lot of time for other things. However, I'm no pie bacon. And I'm still, I like making pies. Go fuck yourself. Anyways, and I still get time in for the ladies when I can. There is one chick I'm talking to now and believe me when I say she's a perfect, believe me when I say she's a perfect 10. Great body, beautiful face, funny personality and an actual goddamn brain in her head. Anyways, we've been talking for a little bit and things were going great. I only just met her through my cousin a couple of months ago. However, about two months ago, I noticed she was acting a little bit more distant. So Jesus, then usual. And I couldn't really tell if she was

interested anymore. I'm not trying, I'm not really the guy to pry. So when she wasn't texting me, I said, fuck it and ignore her for a few days. That's actually a good move. In the spirit of the great chemistry we had, I continued to try and connect with her, sending her a tech once in a while. And I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was up. You got to listen to your gut dude. What does she go back to her ex boyfriend? So I asked my cousin who introduced us to see if she had told her anything. Turns out, she's actually talking to another boy whom she likes more than me, but didn't know how to tell me because she thinks I'm really cool and she felt bad because she's been acting differently around me. But she's been talking to this other guy for longer.

Oh, Jesus. When I heard this, I thought that fucking sucks. But whatever, there's nothing I can do about it. So I went to her and told her I felt as though she had been acting distant and I felt I wasn't getting the same vibes from her. Sorry, my computer just crapped out anymore. She told me, yeah, she realized she really liked me just not in the way. But she thinks I'm really cool, aka I was put in a friend zone. Fuck. She never mentioned to me anything about the other boy. She's just trying to be nice. Anyway, sir, is there is there nothing else I can do in this situation? Usually I would say fuck it. Because I know there's no there's so many other girls I could bang, especially when traveling for tournaments. But like I said, this is something

special. I just wanted your advice. Yeah, dude, walk away. Walk away. Just walk away. You got you got a great chance that this guy is going to be a douchebag, treat her like shit and eventually come back to you. But in the meantime, you got to get on with your life. She's being honest with you. And she's like so fucking nice. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. And all she's going to do is just grab your heart, rip it out of your chest, hold it up and then throw it back at you. Out of just trying to be nice. You're really even though you think you're being nice, you're not being nice. When you don't want to be with somebody, you should just fucking end it. All right, and it's going to suck and end it. And then when you end it, you shouldn't try and reconnect with them.

So you got to you know, shit, dude, you're a fighter, protect yourself at all times. Okay, if somebody kicked you right in the fucking face, would you walk back up to it with your arms down at your side? You wouldn't. All right. That's it. Walk away. Walk away. You know, it seems like it's so early on in the fucking relationship that this this one, you know, within three weeks, believe me, you're going to find another one. And dude, at the end of the day, she's into this other guy more than you. There's nothing you can do about it. The worst thing you can do is keep pursuing her because then she's going to fucking hate you. So my advice is to just fucking leave it alone. Leave it alone, walk away, move on, you know,

bang some other chick at a karate fucking tournament, you'll find someone else you're young. All right, last one, Bill, I'm 23 year old virgin. When you say steer the conversation towards sex, do you mean the topic? Do you wait? Do you mean Jesus Christ? This guy's so fucking hard up he can't even finish the goddamn sentence without writing it. Do you mean as the topic of conversation or physical sex? Well, yeah, I'm talking conversation here, dude. Why would I be saying physical? Yeah, I'm not saying just grabber tits at the bar. Just yeah, steer the conversation. Look, 23 year old virgin is something a little bit different than I'm just talking about how to go in a bar and fuck a girl and not get not get sucked into a relationship. All right,

that's what I was talking about on that other podcast. What I would do your 23 year old virgin, I would you got to get out there, you got to hit on everything that fucking moves. Do not get sucked into a relationship. All right, because after 23 years and not fucking anything, you're gonna be so goddamn excited when you finally fuck something that you're gonna stick with somebody that you're really not into. You're just so excited. It'd be like if you walked every day 20 miles to work, and then one day somebody finally gave you a piece of shit car. You have no idea it's a piece of shit. You're so fucking excited. You're not walking anymore. You know, so just talk a bunch of shit, wear a condom. And like I said,

you're not even at the point of steering it towards sex. Just start fucking talking to him. All right, every dumb thought that you have that your brain says don't say that just fucking say it. I'm not saying be rude or be mean, but you got to have a fucking you just don't give a fuck. All right, here's a good one. Rub one out before you go up. Give yourself a little swagger. Okay. Just get out there talk some shit. Why don't you just start with making out with a girl. Let's just go easy. You know, just just do that. All right. You know, it's hard for me to give you advice because I don't know what you've been doing up to this point, but let's just start with first base and then we'll move to second base, then third, and then you're going to come, you know,

you get thrown out at the plate a couple of times and then you'll fucking finally bang one, then you become an animal like everybody else. You won't even need this podcast anymore. All right. Overrated, underrated for the week. Overrated. Side boob. Call me crazy, but I'm not a big fan of the side boob, even though it's as a considerable level of popularity. Dude, how do you not like that? Side boob is so much better than cleavage. Yeah, it's so much rarer. It's like that yellow diamond that Kobe bought Mrs. What's-Her-Face Bryant. Overrated. Ancestry. People take too much pride in their ancestors' country, their cultural background,

et cetera, from what I noticed. This happens to me a lot around the holidays because my family is Italian. For example, my family is Italian because my great-grandmother came over on the boat. That's right. So I'm Italian, even though I've lived in America all my life and none of my family has been there since my great-grandparents came over here. My friends tell me I have a good taste in food like fish and have an Italian personality. I understand some traditions carry on through various cultures, but how exactly does being a white kid from the suburb who likes grilled salmon make me Italian? I've never been within 100 miles of Italy. I don't know one word of the Italian language. If you blindfolded me and dropped me off in Italy, I would probably have a panic attack

and feel totally lost. My point is I'm American. I'm from America. I develop my interest through things which pertain to American culture that I grew up in. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. But having said all that, dude, you should know where you're from. There's a lot of great traditions. My girl was watching one of those Real Housewives shows with all the horrific plastic surgery and the makeup and one of the Italian families out in Jersey with the writing all over their clothes and the hair up to the fucking ceiling. Oh, they do this thing that I actually saw Mario Batali do, which I think is the coolest fucking thing ever, is I totally respect the Italian culture. It's the best food on the fucking planet and the level with which

they give a fuck about food compared to my German-Irish roots is I'm so fucking envious of it. It's ridiculous. So a lot of German-Irish people out there, you have no idea like me when anything is in season what vegetables like I guess like carrots and fucking peas or something are in season. I don't even know. But all I know as far as tomatoes, those things are in season like sometime over the summer, those things are in season and the rest of the year, what you're getting is some spray-painted red horseshit from some corporate farm and they taste like ass. So these Italians, they grow their own fucking tomatoes and I'm watching this shit and I don't know what they do. They start to cook them and then they blanch them

and then they peel the skin off and they stick them in a jar, these airtight jars so that they can make fresh pasta sauce, their red meat sauce or whatever, their tomato sauce for the entire fucking year. And I just think that's the coolest fucking thing ever. I was like, I want to learn how to do that. Any Italians listening to this shit, I want to learn how to do that. I can't do it now because it's not the summer but I would love to do that. Is that fucking weird? I don't know. So I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. Like everybody, you know, kiss me on my Irish and it's like, dude, you're from Western Massachusetts. Okay, you're from Worcester. You know, you're not Irish. You've never been to Ireland. I totally understand what you're saying but

there's a lot of great things. You know, it's like anything. There's a lot of great things here, there's a lot of great things over there and if you combine the two, you got yourself a great life. All right, that's it. Let's plow ahead. Dilemmas. Hey Bill, would you rather be a lawyer or a doctor? I know a lot of people hate lawyers but doctors have insane work schedules that impact the amount of time they get to spend with their families. I'd much rather be a lawyer. You know, you get to talk shit in front of a crowd. You know, you get to put your one foot up while your other hand's in your suit pocket. You're rubbing your balls. You know, talking to a jury, who would want to do that? I don't fucking dig in a bunch of goddamn cadavers. I totally

respect doctors but you know, speaking of which, what's the name of that fucking doctor show? It's basically that Ted Danson show, Becker, except he's a doctor. He's this grumpy ass goddamn doctor, bones or whatever the fuck it's called. Is that the guy from Star Trek? I've never seen that show but that show fucking annoys the shit out of me. You know, recently they did this episode where he goes to prison and he's still being this fucking tough talking douchebag and all these prisoners are listening to him. This little runt, you know? It was like he wasn't enough of the badass doctor because he was this grumpy douche at the hospital. They stuck him in a prison and he starts running shit there. That's, well, kind of an asshole

would watch that show. Anyways, let's go with the dilemmas here. Let's close this out and that'll be the podcast for the week. Okay, Bill, would you rather have unprotected sex with a girl you love and want to marry who has herpes and risked probably getting it in order to conceive a child or would you rather get dumped by a girl you love and have to go through an awful breakup, finding a new place to live, constantly checking your phone to see if she called, filling up the time? Oh, I'm too selfish. I'm going to take the broken heart and no herpes. Oh, I don't want herpes. Who wants herpes? You know what it is because when you're in love with somebody, you have ups and downs. You have periods where you really love them and then you have other

periods where you sit there going, why the fuck did I ever get with this person? So to go through those down periods of going, why the fuck did I ever get with this person while having herpes sores on my dick would be too much for me? I'm going to tap out and I'm going to roll the dice. I'm going to pull the Bill Belichick. I'm going to trade away my number one draft pick and hope that there's a diamond in the rough in the sixth round in my 40s. All right, dilemma number three. All right, Bill, you're both swimming towards a both you and Nia or some other lady. There is a shark following you. I've actually thought about this. Oh, Jesus. And only one of you was going to get time enough to get the boat. Do you climb in and turn around to see your girl

getting eaten alive or do you stay in the water and help push her in and get eaten yourself? It's not a huge shark, so it won't be over fast. You fucking cunts. But it's big enough that after a few chomps on your pasty white flesh, you're down a few limbs at least. No, and I could never watch Nia get eaten. But my wanting to survive would also kick in. So I think we'd both get eaten because I would grab her by the arm and go, let's go. Let's go. I'd be trying to do that. I couldn't live with myself if I let her get eaten. I would have to swim in front of the shark. I'd have to do it. I would fucking punch that motherfucker. Who's kid who? I would freeze up. Oh, you'd hear me screaming. You'd hear me screaming for whatever the fuck you were at.

That's one of my biggest fucking nightmares. I've actually fantasized. I've actually not fantasized like thought about that shit. Seeing someone I love in the water and I'm on the boat and I'm seeing a shark right on the surface. And I thought what I would do was I would time it like you're throwing somebody a fucking goddamn post pattern. I would jump off the boat feet first and land right on the shark's head right before it bit whoever I loved. It would so freak the fucking shark out. Like where the fuck did that come from? That when it regrouped, I'd be able to push the person in and then drag myself in the boat. But in the fantasy, I always still get my legs bitten off because I'm so terrified of it. That was a good one. Would you rather jump

to subway tracks in a moped? Rich Voss builds the ramp. Or have Robert Kelly try and shoot an ample, an apple off your head with a crossbow. I got to go moped. Is the train coming? How the fuck would I get across the subway with all that shit in the middle? I would still do that. I get a helmet, right? It has nothing to do with the fact that Rich Voss builds the ramp. It has to do with the fact of Bobby. Bobby would have to hit me on some level with the arrow because he's a sadistic son of a bitch. And the temptation and how much I've annoyed him. It's no matter how much that dude loves me, the amount that I have annoyed him are 20 years of our friendship. He would have to have it graze off my forehead.

So I would definitely, I would jump to subway tracks. Yeah, but that would be impossible because you know what you'd have to do because the subway platform is so shallow that I would have to be going lengthwise and then try to cut the wheels and then all my momentum would be gone. I'd probably land on the third rail. Yeah, fuck that. I'd go out evil conneval style. Land on the third rail and just fucking have to have him shut down an entire fucking subway platform. I would do that rather than sit there with a fucking arrow through my head like Steve Martin. Reverse Steve Martin. Fuck that.

Fuck that. All right. That's the podcast for this week, everybody. I hope you guys enjoy your time off and be patient with your loved ones. I know they're annoying the shit out of you. I know they are. That's why I don't go home for the holidays. But if you are, try to find the humor in how fucking crazy they are. That's my last bit of advice because I've made those fucking mistakes. That's it. Once again, everybody, if you want to buy something on Amazon.com, go to billbird.com, click on the podcast and then click on Amazon.com. Like I said, percentage of whatever you spend, I'll get some trinkets for that and then 10% of that will go to the Wounded Warriors Project. Helps keep the podcast going and it helps the wounded veterans

and you go out and get yourself the turtleneck you really wanted. You really can't miss it. You can't miss with that one. That's the podcast for this week. Happy New Year, everybody. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit and I'll talk to you next week. See you. Oh So many tears I've cried so much pain inside So many tears I've cried so much pain inside So many years we've tried to keep our love alive Cause baby it ain't over till it's over

So many tears we've cried so much pain inside But baby it ain't over till it's over So many years we've tried to keep our love alive Cause baby it ain't over till it's over So many tears we've cried so much pain inside But baby it ain't over till it's over So many tears I've cried so much pain inside So many years we've tried to keep our love alive

Cause baby it ain't over till it's over So many years we've tried to keep our love alive Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com