Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-28-17

Episode Date: December 29, 2017

Bill rambles about Christmas, booze, and the Newman Device.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. You're not going to believe what I just did. You probably will. Haven't you listened to this thing enough to know that I'm a fucking moron? You're not going to believe what I just did. What did you do, well, I just recorded the Thursday afternoon podcast, right? And I forgot my chord that I usually I have a routine. The second I do it, I upload it and I'm done, but I forgot the cord, the UCB cord, whatever the fuck it is, USB C fucking public bank cord. So it took me out of my routine. I just went into like robot mode. And I fucking erased

the podcast I just did. Why would I do that? I was so psyched. I was done. I just came back from Boston, dude. I came, you know, I woke up early. I'm still on East Coast time. My beautiful daughter, lovely wife, I was sleeping. I paid all the fucking bills. I got everything ready to go. All I had to do is knock up my podcast. It's a quarter, eight in the morning. I'm done. My kids just getting up. I'm ready to make everybody breakfast. I'm crushing it. And what do I do? I just hit a race and I hit a race. And, you know, once you hit a race, you can't stop it from erasing. And I was like going, Oh my God, what did I just do? And it's just it gone over. So now the big thing is, is I can't compete with myself

from a half an hour ago. All right. I can't be looking into the past and thinking about what I talked about. I need to go into the fucking future. All right. I hope you guys all had a merry Christmas. Okay. Have you noticed Mary only goes with Christmas? Do you notice that? It's happy Hanukkah. It's happy Kwanzaa. It's go fuck yourself. And it's Merry Christmas. Isn't that weird? Merry Hanukkah. Merry Kwanzaa. Merry Muhammad. What is their Christmas? Have a merry, merry Muhammad. It's the best time of the year. I know there won't be snow because we're in the Middle East. Do they have any mountains out there? Do people go skiing

and I rack? Have I ever sounded dumber in my life? Well, you know, considering I just recorded a podcast and then promptly fucking erased it promptly, like within fucking two minutes. That's all I'm going to do. I'm going to bitch, moan and complain in wine about what I just did rather than move on with my life. All right. Setting the tone for 2018. Once again, we're going to look back rather than being in the moment. That's one of my goals for 2018 is to tell somebody who tells me to be in the moment to shut the fuck up. And when they say, Hey, I'm in the moment. You're annoying me in this moment. Now that moment's gone. I'm still talking about it. Did I not take your advice? You can't. Can

you stop acting? Is there anything, you know, some of the most spiritual people have the most fucked up lives? Are you enjoying it? Did you take it in? Did you take a moment to fucking enjoy? Bitch, you're out of your mind. You're dating a married guy. The fuck out of my face. Um, anyway, sorry. Sorry, whatever. Whatever. Well, there's four minutes. All right, four minutes. I just, I just got it back. Oh, guess what? I got some big news for you. Um, after 131 days of being sober. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Billy Redface fell off the fucking wagon. Um, I put up a good fight right through the holidays. I made it to December 26. What kind of a fucking asshole falls off on the 26th? I could see New Year's Eve. I could, I mean Christmas Eve, I

could see Christmas Day. I could see New Year's Eve, but the 26th in the history of people falling off the fucking wagon. Who falls off on the 26th? What are you, what are you crying about the fact you didn't get a fire engine the day before for Christmas? Um, yeah, fell off. I'm 131 days. I'm very proud of myself. I, I, I can definitely, I was definitely in the moment. This is what happened. Um, first of all, I had, I had the best Christmas I've had since I was a little kid. And I still believed that some fat stranger came down the chimney. All right. It was awesome. And I was actually like, I had a lot of stress about it because I was flying back with my lady and my lovely daughter. And I was thinking

like, oh my, all I've ever heard is people talking about flying back with an infant. It's a nightmare. Everyone, you know, yeah, you know, by the end you're ready to get a divorce and all this type of shit. I got to tell you something. It was the fucking best Christmas I've had since I was like eight years old. When did I find out there was Jake and the fat man was bullshit? When did I find that out? My first grade, I found out in first grade because my older brother found out in third grade and he quickly told me. And I remember I wasn't mad either. I actually felt like an adult, like, wow, man, I'm in, I'm in on the secret, right? So anyways, coming back with a kid ended up being the greatest

thing ever. It just, it takes all the pressure off of you and your relationship. You just come back like, hey, we did it. We got married. We reproduced. No more questions of when, when, when that's over. And then the best thing too is you come home with the toddler and all everybody wants to do is interact with the kids. So nobody's asking you about your life. Nobody's giving you the third. What do you got going on? What are you doing next? What do you think about this? Are you sure you're going to do that? Was that the right move? And next thing you know, you're fucking boozing it up and you're all fucking depressed or getting into arguments or talking politics or I don't know what. All of that was gone. And I, it was just great. I came in and he was like,

how you doing? Oh my God, look at your daughter. And then that was it. There was no, you know, I got a lot of social anxiety. Like when I go to like parties and that type of shit, I was always the guy up on the wall, you know, if it's a bunch of guys sitting around watching a game, then I'm in my element. But once it becomes like this social thing, there's no game on. And I don't know. And there's all this fucking weirdness going on. The adults are so fucking weird, you know, there's all this like, it's just like the playground when you were a kid, but it becomes like adult shit. Like, you know, I don't know, competing. You know, I don't know how much you're making dreams. If you're getting married, whatever the fuck you're going through, it just becomes all this. There's

all these storylines that are going on. Maybe that's why my wife was always watching those, those reality shows, I guess, because all of that shit that's just going on, you know what I mean? Of just watching people so caught up in bullshit that, you know, your neighbor gets a better spatula than you. And it like affects your fucking mood. So anyway, so we went back there and just watching people meeting my daughter and her like, you know, her big thing now is, you know, she just waves at everybody. And she can say hi now, although she's yet to say it. She looks in a mirror and says me. And then she also says hi. And I've yet to see her do either, either or, although this video of her saying hi.

Um, anyways, everybody was, you know, flip her. She, she, she killed it. She killed it. She was a little starlet. Everybody absolutely loved her. And her personality is really coming out. And I gotta tell you what, what's really fucking crazy is like the more her personality develops, like the more I love her, it's crazy. Like every time you think you hit the ceiling, like I could not love this kid anymore. There's like another level. And I always hated when I didn't have a kid and people were going like, you don't get it. You don't get it. It's like, dude, I get it. It's a kid. You know, I hate to say this, but they were right. They were right. But having said that, I will never tell somebody they don't get it. Who doesn't have a kid.

That's a douchey thing to say. You know, you don't get it. You don't get it. Yeah, neither did you. All right, stop acting like you're smart. All right, there's 10 minutes, 21 minutes to go. So I was just so many great things. I got together and jammed with a couple of my brothers. We used to play, used to butcher hair metal tunes back in the 80s into the early 90s. We had not gotten together and tried, attempted to play music in almost 24 years. And one of my brothers rented this place. I got to give him a shout out. It's in Somerville, Somerville, which was known as slumberville when I was a kid. Now it's all hipster with like cupcakes and fucking burger joints and shit. It's like an upscale thing, right? And this place is called the jam spot out in Somerville.

Somerville, Lomba. That's all I remember from out there. It was a, the jam spot was just a beautiful, clean place. Rooms were awesome. All the equipment was the shit. And the guy who worked there was just just a great guy, family man. Actually got a kick out of the fact that we were all brothers going to go down there and play and we hadn't been playing together in that fucking long. We went in there and we butchered some songs. Sounded all right though. And then in the end, a couple more my relatives came down to like doing karaoke at the end and they sang. And we actually had the place from 12 to four in the afternoon. I remember thinking like two hours is going to be more than enough. We know like six songs from almost, you know, a decade and a half ago, we're going to play

for about 20 minutes. Then we're just going to be staring at each other. And that's actually now what happened. It flew by and well, we were trying to work on a couple songs. AC DC walk all over you touch too much highway to hell. We always had that one down. And then one of my brothers always play Stevie Ray bonds. We played a bunch of that stuff. And then a few more relatives showed up next thing you know, we were playing Zeppelin the ocean. And it was it was just it was fucking awesome. And then after that, that's when we went out and got a steak. And one of my other relatives hadn't been drinking since June. I hadn't been drinking since August. Like, we're going to do this. He's like, Yeah, let's do it. Fuck it. So he orders a Johnny Walker black and my come on, man.

We're going off the wagon after six and four months. We got to let's get the blue. So we ordered the blue, but it was a steakhouse. So it was around the holidays and they were out of it. So I forget if we got the gold or the platinum, but it was really good. And my buddy stopped at one. I had one more. And and then that was it. We called in a night. And then like two hours later, I was back in the hotel room. I got me honestly to do I felt like shit. And I was just like, wow, I do not miss feeling like this. I don't think I like drinking anymore. And then yesterday, I went to the airport. Of course, they had the American Airlines terminal at Logan. They have the Cisco brewery and I love Nantucket and I love Cisco brewery. So I'm like, well,

I got to go in there and get a fucking beer. So I had the whales tail, pale ale, had that nurse that thing that was delicious. And then I get on the plane. I'm like, Hey, why don't I have a fucking drink? No, no, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Right. Fortunately, I avoided that. And I think what I'm going to do is basically, I think I'm just going to take a few days off as far as not drinking and then just go back on the wagon on January 2. I'm going to the Rose Bowl. I got to have a couple of cocktails when I'm there. But I don't have to drink today. I don't have to drink up until the Rose Bowl. And I think that's just how I'm going to boost rather than trying to go like a whole fucking year and, you know,

so many days or whatever, I just think I'm just going to pick my spot. So being at the Rose Bowl, it's a playoff game. That's a good time to have a couple of drinks. And then I really don't see an excuse to have one for the rest of January. So or February or March, I don't really don't see any event coming out, maybe a Super Bowl party. I don't know. But I think that's the way I'm going to boost. And I'll keep the weight off. I won't be a drunk dad or whatever. And I think that's basically the way I'm going to do it. But my daughter actually caught a cold, you know, so many people were picking up holding there, you know, it was that time of year, I guess it was inevitable. So we were flying back. And I was like, Oh, God, six hours on the plane with an infant

with a cold, this is going to be a nightmare. And actually, she was a trooper. She fell asleep for like the first like 40 minutes, and then was just up for the rest of the flight. And she was a little bit whiny or whatever. But anytime she would wind, I just take her for a walk up and down the aisle, you know, because I don't want to bug other people on the plane with my crying kid. And I never resented people if their baby was crying. The only time it bug me is if they just weren't making any sort of effort to try to entertain the kid. So I was just walking her up and down the aisle. And of course, she went over the stewardesses, and then they were holding her for a minute. So it all worked out. And funny fucking dad moment, changing a diaper, you know,

on the plane, you know, in the bathroom there, I never even noticed they got a little thing that fucking comes down. I sterilized the whole thing with one of the wipes the best I could. And that's a big thing, making sure your kid doesn't touch anything. And then you got to wipe down their hands and their feet and everything when they come back out. But changing a fucking shit diaper during turbulence on a plane. I was like, All right, this is it. I'm officially a dad. I knocked it out. I knocked it out. And yeah, I got to tell you something too, like all the things that I loved about my lovely wife, you know, seeing one of seeing what an incredible mother she is is

I don't know, that's a whole other level to the whole other level. So I don't know what to tell you. This is weird. I'm actually really happy. So I don't know how funny this fucking podcast is going to be. But I had an awesome Christmas. And I was really had all this stress thinking like, all I've ever heard is, oh my God, going back to holidays, bringing your kids and everything. It's like, as a parent, you don't get to rest and blah, blah, blah, blah and all that. I had a great fucking time. And I was thinking that we were just going to fly back this time and then start establishing Christmases out here. But I had such a good time with like two days left. I even said to Neil, I was like, if you want to do this again next year, I'll do it because, you know, it snowed.

It was out. It was just, it was the shit. And yeah, and my kid is awesome. Even though she wears me up, she'll literally wear me out and then I'll she'll finally go to sleep. And then I close the door and I get to, you know, to lay down for a second like, ah, and like five minutes, I'll just sit there laughing five minutes later. I just start thinking like, I miss her. How was that possible? How was that possible? But I don't know, that's, that's how it works. So I'm not complaining. So anyways, oh, you know what I could drink again after the New Year's, maybe the night of the Patrisso Neil benefit to get that plug in there. There you go. The Patrisso Neil comedy benefit entering

its, let's see, is this the sixth or the seventh one? I think the seventh one, right? Let's see here, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18. It's the sixth one. And I want to thank everybody that's been buying tickets. We're almost sold out again this year, which is really, it's truly amazing. And I have to thank Maureen Tarran and everybody else who gives their time every year, Jim Norton, Colin Quinn, David Tell, Bobby Kelly, Dan Cook, all of his friends that have taken time out of their lives. And it's just fun. You know, it's like a high school reunion. And then also to see like, you know, we always have a couple of the young, you know, I call them kids. I went all fucked out, but, and just see, you know, they were teenagers when Patrisso's stuff stand up,

first started coming on TV, and he actually influenced them to be comedians. So getting to hear those stories and getting to see the young, the young guys, the Michael Chase, the Hannibal Burrises and see them coming out and how funny they are and all that. It's just, it's just a great thing. So I will once again, tweet the link. I'll keep tweeting it until we sell the whole thing out. But once again, thank you to everybody who's been over the years, been helping to support that wonderful cause. And as always, after we pay for the theater, all the money goes to Patrisso's loved ones that he was supporting while he was still alive, taking care of him. So with that, what are we going to do now? Are we going to talk a little sports here? Little

fucking sports. Oh, shit. Do you know what I watched? What documentary I watched? That was only like an hour and 20 minutes long, but it took me six hours to watch because my lovely daughter would not go to sleep. I watched this documentary called Newman, right? So I was initially attracted to the title because I thought it was going to be about Paul Newman, who's like one of the coolest guys ever. So I'm like, I got to watch this, see what they're talking about, right? And you know, what's it going to be about? It's going to be about his racing career, his acting career, or his charity. I always wondered how involved he was with that. I just can't see the great Paul Newman sitting there, listening to people talking about their balsamic vinaigrette or spaghetti

sauce. I bet in the beginning, he just wanted to have a business thing. He's just like, I don't want to deal with this shit. Just fucking run it and give the money to the poor. By the way, did you see some fucking jerk off, bought his watch, his actual watch for $17.8 million dollars? What kind of a fucking asshole? Then what do you do with it? And you put it on like, I feel his life force. Maybe I can act now. Maybe I'm cool. I just don't, I don't understand like that type of shit. I don't know. I guess I do a little, but maybe I like musical instruments. I think it would be cool to see a couple of really famous instruments, but I wouldn't want to own them.

You know, like if you had some, somebody's like some famous person's guitar, they pass away and you have that guitar and then you're playing their music on that with your skill level. You know, I know the guitar isn't alive, but if it was, wouldn't it start crying? Anyways, so I rented this documentary called Newman and it was about this guy who came up with a electromagnetic device that produced energy. And the big thing about it was, not only was it clean energy, was the device itself somehow it created more energy than it was using to run. And I didn't know that that was a problem because I have a horrible science background. So just, just watch it. See what you think. All right. Basically, I wasn't aware of this.

Any engine, any sort of turbine, anything, whatever, I guess it, what, even if it's used to create energy, maybe they all are, I guess, you know, some sort of turning force. I don't know what, I mean, I'm in way over my head. They had always, they always like, you're always in a deficit because it, I guess it, it uses more energy than it actually fucking produces. Well, this thing that this guy created, allegedly, like it used 10% of the energy that it actually created, which was fucking unheard of. So when he went down to get a patent, they were like, what you're doing is impossible, sir. That sounds like witchcraft. This it basically defied the laws of physics, as we know them right now. So they were all saying, well, you probably got some transformer

hidden somewhere on your property. They tried to find it. They couldn't find it. They just refused to believe that this guy, what he was doing was true, which then goes, you know, they wouldn't give him a patent. And then it goes into all this conspiracy theory, you know, that a big oil company, politics and all of this shit, we're standing in the way of this guy, because he was basically going to put them out of business. And I got to be honest with you, I believed everything that I saw in it. And spoiler alert, because I'm going to continue talking about this, you should definitely watch it. I believe that his device worked. I believe that the patent company, probably with pressure from the oil companies, wouldn't give him a patent. I believe he got death threats.

And then I also believe that he was out of his fucking mind. I believe that he had a God complex. And he certainly had a temper. Just check this. This guy's one of the most fascinating people ever. And there's no way to watch this for me anyways, for me to watch this. And I'm not talking about the genius side of this guy. I'm talking about his flaws. The Newman dude, his flawed personality. I couldn't help but watch that guy, you know, when investors would come around and he'd be like, I know what you want to do. You want to steal it from me. I'll punch you right in your fucking face. Right. I couldn't, and I'm not even exaggerate. I couldn't help when I was watching that to not see myself going, that looks like me when I try

and rent a car or when I try to get customer service. That's what I end up doing. And even though I'm right, I become wrong because of the way I behave. And it's really fascinating. And it's one of those things where you just, you just want it to be true. And it'll be so great if it was just a way to seamlessly have that thing developed, give the guy Newman his credit. He makes a ton of fucking money. You let the fucking oil companies run the goddamn thing. And they keep making, I don't give a fuck. I'll keep paying when I pay for oil. All right. Let's quit. If we can pollute less and have to liberate less people around the world because of our fucking dependency on this shit, you know, I really believe, you know, I actually, I know you

guys, they always say, you got your tin foil hat on. I don't even know where that reference comes from. But there seemed to be this incredible progression as far as like in energy and in curing diseases. And then all of a sudden it just came to a screeching fucking halt. And it's my belief that it's because the amount of money that is being made and how entrenched those entities are and how many people's livelihoods are attached to them, that they don't want that it's there's there's just too much conflict of interest to have it progress. Like, I don't know, I'm one of those people that believes that they can cure way more diseases than they let on. And a doctor told me one time a long time ago, he said, look, there's no money in the

cure. The money is in the treatment. And I know that's depressing thought that human beings would actually fucking do that. But the way a corporation works is kind of like the way back in the day, the war games, the way they would shoot off the warheads where it's like it took two people, everybody's fucking got to turn a key and everybody or when they would gas somebody or shoot somebody, you know, in the firing squad, somebody had like a fucking rubber bullet or an empty gun. So everybody would fucking do it. I don't know. You know, something half by the end of that that didn't even make sense to me. But I just I don't I don't believe in people when it comes to that doing the right fucking thing. Well, that's the problem. Whatever. Watch the fucking thing

and decide for yourself. I explained it so much better. Oh, now living in the past and the podcast I already did. Anyways, being back in Boston, you know, something I really fucking missed was the Herald sports page and the globe sports page. I was in fucking heaven. Reading that sports page one day I sat down and they had all the Bruins stats for this season, all the Celtic stats, all the Patriots stats. And then they had these giant articles about all three teams. They were still breaking down the Patriots Buffalo Bills game and rating the quarterback, the running back, the receivers, the offensive line, the defensive line, the linebackers, the secondary, the special teams, the coaching, grading them. It was fucking phenomenal.

I'll tell you what wasn't phenomenal was watching those fucking assholes trying to stir up some bullshit. Right as we're going into the playoffs about Tom Brady and his fucking personal trainer. Who gives a fuck? Whatever his personal trainer is doing, it's obviously working. The guys ran out of digits on one hand with Super Bowl rings. Now he's moved on to the other one. I swear to God, the local media, what would they be? I tweeted that. What the fuck would they be doing if they weren't trying to sabotage the local team and all you fucking cunts out there who then pile on and start commenting and calling into these sports shows. Anytime there's shit and on the fucking home team like that, like, look, if it's deserved,

it's deserved. But if they're just trying to stir up shit, just stop, just stop listening, turn the channel. I mean, that's what I do. By the way, you know what was funny is I saw yet another guy at ESPN talking about Bill Belichick's press conferences going, oh my God, they're so intimidating. It's like, what is intimidating by it? Stop acting like you don't know exactly what the fuck the guy's doing. He knows what you're doing. You're trying to get him to give you a quote so you can build your story around that and then you can exaggerate and take all this shit out of context and give the other team bullet and board material. That's why he doesn't talk to you guys. Jesus fucking Christ. Did you see that coach for Auburn after they beat Georgia at the

first time they play? We beat dog shit out of him. Whatever the fuck he said. I bet that was all over their locker room, fucking on the ceilings above their bed until they played him again. And what happened? The Georgia Bulldogs, hey, they came back and beat him right in the fucking ass, man. And they came back and beat him. That's why Bill Belichick doesn't do that shit. All right. That was another thing I liked about Newman was that this guy was a good old boy from fucking Mississippi and just being out here in LA and watching all these fucking actors and actresses just openly shitting on anybody who lives in the middle of this country because they have the audacity to vote for somebody different than they do, you know, and evidently because they don't

live next to an ocean that makes them a fucking moron. Just watching what this guy did allegedly, you know, Johnny Carson was from like Nebraska. I just don't understand. I just, I don't get people out here. And I'm not, I shouldn't act like it's everybody, but it's just really fucking ignorant. Anyways, that is the podcast. All right. And that is the last podcast for this year. 2017 was the greatest year of my life becoming a dad. And I don't know, just so many great things, you know, happened to me this year. So I'm going to thank all you guys. Everybody came out to shows and all that type of stuff. I really want to take the time. I never do this. I always call you guys cunts. I like to think it's endearing, but thank you guys for the best year

of my life. And I hope 2018, I don't even think it needs to be better. Just match this one, just be in the cruising altitude. Don't live in the past. You have to be in the present. Shut up, you cunt. But anyways, that's it. I'm not doing shit. I have basically all the fucking January off. And I'm going to put together another 20 minutes to add to all the bullshit that I have. That's sort of my goal. And I'm going to tour. I'm going to tour a lot this year, put it that way. And I'm looking forward to an amazing year. All right. Enjoy this music and then throwback episode of Thursday afternoon. Just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend. You cunts. Happy New Year. And I'll talk to you in 2018.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast from Monday, December 28. The final Monday morning podcast for 2009. Can you believe it? Another decade has flown by. Dude, this was like the most stealth decade of all time. And I'm going to tell you why. Just in case you were worried, I would make such a bold fucking statement about the goddamn calendar and then never give you an explanation. I'm going to tell you why. Because every decade that I've lived in, at least that I can remember that I lived in the 70s, everybody would discuss the 70s. What are the 70s like? And then the 80s, the big 80s, right? And then, you know, people talking about, you know, the 90s, people would make references on

sitcoms, you know, about the coming 90s, right? It had a fucking name. Every decade that I've been in has had a name. 70s, the 60s, the 80s and the 90s. But this decade had no fucking name. The aughts, the 2000s, we never decided on a fucking name. Therefore, you know, I wasn't really paying attention. I wasn't really paying attention as this decade went by, because it's kind of like the odometer went back to zero, right? Oh, this is getting shaky here. I just realized I'm really getting into some shaky territory. It's kind of like it went back to zero, right? Except it didn't. It was at 2000, which actually comes back after 1999. I'm just saying, you know what I mean? It's like, what the fuck? What happened to this decade? You know, I don't know.

That was pathetic. I really sounded like I had something to say there and it went absolutely fucking nowhere, which is the theme of this podcast every damn week, every fucking week. You know, for the last few weeks, look at me with the gratuitous fucks. Why am I saying fuck so much this fucking week? You know why? I have not been on stage since I taped my latest special. I have been on vacation, vacation, and I haven't been doing shit. I've been stuffing my fat face with holiday cheer. And I don't know, did you guys have a good Christmas? Did you have a merry Christmas? Isn't that just put a song in your heart to say that to somebody? Merry Christmas. Ah, what the fuck? Who's calling me now?

Ah, shit. Hey, I'm doing my podcast. Let me call you back in about 40 minutes, okay? All right. There we go. Anyways, merry Christmas to one and all. Yeah, I got to get on stage here, because now that I've basked in the glory of not fucking up my special, everything went great. Now I can take a vacation. Now, you know, there's this little voice in the back of my head going, dude, you know, you don't have an act right now, technically. You really don't. So why don't you go do some shit? And hopefully some funny shit will happen. Speaking of which, some of my girlfriends family came out and we took them out to Venice Beach out here in California. And if you've never been out there, you know, there's a bunch of freaks out there, but there's enough regular people

sort of tourists that it waters it down. But being the fact that it was the Christmas week, there wasn't a lot of tourists out there. There wasn't even a lot of regulars out there. So when we showed up, it was pretty much wall to wall freaks. And just had a fucking great time out there. This guy was standing in front of some sort of fun house shit that I've never seen before. And he was that classic, you know, you know, step right up, step right up. And he's going, see the rubber man, see the electric boy. And then he goes, and look, look what just came in from the space station. And he reached into a bucket of water and he pulled out a two-headed turtle. That was one of the greatest fucking intros to something. Look what they just,

look what just came in from the space station, right? First of all, I like the fact that this fucking shit on Venice Beach standing next to a crackhead has some sort of direct link to the space station. All right. I also like the term the space station. Is there a space station? I haven't seen a report on space for a long fucking time, considering NASA really fell off. They really fucking fell off. You know, when I was a kid, you know, they were going to the goddamn, they'd been to the moon. All right. That was like their godfather moment, or at least they pretended to go to the moon. I don't know what they did, but I bought it. And they were literally feeding us tang at school. And for all you youngsters out there,

this was, it was like this powdered orange drink that they, that's what the astronauts drink, you know, when they're up there in outer space and they don't have, they don't have, I don't know what I'm trying to say. They can't get to any decent fucking food or liquids. Would you like to see what it's like to drink a poor excuse for orange juice and be like an astronaut? Of course you did. Of course you did. That was actually a dream of many kids growing up. What would you like to be? I'd like to be a hockey player. What would you like to be? I'd like to be a dealkeeper. What would you like to be? I'd like to be a fucking astronaut. Well, that's nice. Timmy, could you say it again without the curse words?

You little cunt. Why do you have a fucking bowl cut because it's the 70s sweetheart. And my dad grew up with molarian curly. Remember that? Remember the 70s? Remember that shit when it was still okay? It was still acceptable for your parents to cut your fucking hair, even though they had no beautician skills whatsoever. My dad cut my fucking hair right up until sixth grade, sixth grade, just laying a template for no pussy right through fucking, right through high school. One of my trying to say, so anyways, this guy goes, look what just came in from the space station. Now obviously there's no rubber man, there's no electric boy. I know it's all bullshit, but you figure if you're going to make a reference

to space, you're going to pull out something that looks like it came from fucking space, some sort of rock that you found on the beach claim it's part of an asteroid, maybe part of a bigger asteroid that's headed right towards us, whatever you got to do. This fucking guy pulled out a two headed turtle. Look what just came in from the space station. They were up in the fucking space station and look what came floating by a deformed fucking amphibian that needs to be within this atmosphere. I don't fucking know what I'm trying to say here. I just thought it was fucking hilarious and me, my girlfriend and her family laughed for like fucking 10 minutes. You know that when someone just does something stupid out in public and then that just becomes

like the catchphrase, you know what I mean? The keep on trucking moment of your afternoon, anytime, you know, the conversation would die down. Someone would just say, hey, look what just came in from the space station. Oh, and we would laugh and we had a great fucking time. Bunch of freaks out there. I saw a black guy in a yellow thong walking on broken glass. No, we didn't have a thong. The other guy, it was an American flag thong and the other guy was dressed in a skin tight fucking yellow. I don't know what it was. He was basically walking barefoot on trash, but I gotta admit he pulled the crowd. I was impressed. I was very impressed. And the best one I saw was I saw this dude who was wearing a derby,

which is a type of hat. I don't know if it's a bowler hat or a derby. I don't know. One of those, one of those, uh, the Charlie Chaplin hats and his big shtick to get money was he would walk backwards in front of tourists with his hat on and he had an empty, uh, like paper cup that you'd have coke in and he was just sort of hitting it up in the air. And before it would land, he'd hit it up with the other hand and it would, it would go no higher than just the top of his hat. And he had this look on his face like, huh, am I doing something? And then there was another dude out there, this drug addict who had his side kick me in the ass for a buck. And, uh, he started yelling at me to do it. And I just was laughing because I'm saying, I can't, I can't

do that. I'm not, I don't, first of all, I'm not going to kick in the ass for a buck. I don't, you know, it's humiliating. I don't want to do that to you. And then not to mention the second you bend over, I'm going to fucking do that. You know, you know, you have a kick your friend in the ass and you kick him so, you want to kick him so hard that you misjudge it and you actually hit his ball bag from the, from the other side. That's what I, I envisioned myself doing. And at that point I would think that, you know, then I got to fight a fucking drug addict and I get hepatitis, whatever. Look at me acting like, you know, that's what I was going to do. No, you weren't, Bill. You weren't going to do that. That's what you wanted to do, but you didn't have the balls to

do it. So you laughed like a little girl and you continued on down the boardwalk. That's what the fuck you did. You know, you know, speaking of a new hour of comedy, that's something I always wanted to talk about on stage and I always thought it would be funny, but I never really kind of was able to make it funny. Was those fucking people always, you tell, tell them something that happened, something bad to you. And then the second they're done listening to it, they always go, dude, you know what I would have done? You know what I would have done? Let me guess, you would have done something that worked. Now that you're basically in the future and saw what the fuck happened. Asshole. Yeah, and I believe I parked my car and I go to get out of it. All of a sudden

started rolling down the fucking street. I don't know what happened. I had the thing in gear. Dude, you know what I would have done? I would have had an emergency. I would have put the emergency brake on and I would have turned the fucking tires towards the curb. That's what I would have done in anticipation that the one fucking time you didn't put the emergency brake on that your car that never slipped out of gear before was then going to slip out of fucking gear. Shut up, you asshole. You know, if you had that sort of intelligence, you wouldn't be friends with me hanging out in this shit hole fucking bar, right? Well, all right then. All right, now that I got myself worked up into a lather, look at me wearing my Christmas Patriots jersey. What a fucking nerd.

How old are you? Look like she's standing with a book bag waiting for a bus. You know, it's just not cute anymore. All right, let's get on with the podcast. If you're new to the podcast, welcome. Welcome. I got some news this week, everybody. I know I keep threatening to join Facebook and I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it because there's just nobody left here on my space. I'm fucking, I'm giving up. I'm pulling the flag down. I'm putting up the white flag. I surrender. You win Facebook. You win. God damn it. If it wasn't for those meddling kids. All right, so let's get on with the podcast. If you knew the podcast, I try to hype my shit. This is what I got going on. I'm on vacation. Okay, I just taped a new special called Let It Go,

and it'll be out in 2010 at some point. If you can't wait that long, why don't you go on iTunes? I'll go into my website, billbird.com and go buy my fucking DVD. Why do I do this? All right, so I can get a little check. I can get my little fucking three dollars or whatever the fuck I make on those things. Anyways, my next gig is in Seattle, January 15th, and I'm doing the Marty Reamer funny fest. Marty Reamer is a great guy, a great radio guy up there in Seattle. He's got this big comedy show that I have been trying to do for years, and I'm going to be up there with a bunch of other big shots like Jeff Garland and a bunch of other people I can't even fucking remember. Who else am I up there with? Christian Finnegan. Remember, I hyped that. The other white dude

on the Chappelle show. You want the Chappelle show? Were you on the mad real world? No, I wasn't. That was the other guy, and then people try to argue with me. No, that was you. That was you. Why would I lie? Why would I try to knock down my pathetic entertainment resume? I'm all about padding it. All right, let's get on with the podcast here. What do we got here? Let's start off with Douchebag of the Week. My nominee for Douchebag of the Week is the NFL Network for showing a fucking game on Christmas that was only on their goddamn network. You know what, dude? Fuck the fucking NFL Network. Have any of you guys out there actually looked into what it takes to get a goddamn dish? First

of all, if you're renting somewhere, your landlord's going to be a cunt if you start drilling into the side of the building. A repair that's probably going to cost him $80, but somehow will take the entire $12 to $1,500 that you fucking deposit. And then also, I don't know about you guys, but when I actually first moved out here, I was getting the flat screen, I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to light up the card. And they're like, would you like to get direct TV? And I'm thinking, yeah, fuck it. I'll get the NFL Network. I can watch the Pats games. Why not? And they wanted me to sign up for like two or three years, like it's a cell phone company. I don't have to do that with cable. Cable right now, I could call them and say, you know what,

I'm sick of your shit. Go fuck yourself. And they'd be like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You feel like I'm sorry. I appreciate you didn't use that language. Fuck you. You fucking Sunday working cable cunt, right? And they would just shut it off. And then that would be it. And then I could call back on Monday and be like, yeah, listen, you know, I, I don't know, I was, I was drinking. I was, I lost some money on the games and I took it out on, I believe her name was Samantha. I don't know where she was stationed in your States, but is there any way you can turn it back on? Absolutely. Absolutely. There'll be a $80 go fuck yourself restart up fee to match the $90 cancellation fee. You know, that's the way they get you. Okay, but I got mobility. I got freedom. I mean,

I have a feeling of control. I'm going to sign a fucking three year contract. You know, the level of, of, of douchebaggery by the NFL network to show a game on Jesus's birthday. God son, he's sitting there trying to think Jesus has fucking direct TV. I don't think he does. You know, fucking hippie. You think he's going to be involved in some sort of corporate contract man? I don't know. You know what I mean? Look, I don't mind if you're going to show the random Thursday game, I get it. You're trying to get me, you know, you're trying to get me. All right, you have your best matchups. Okay. And you got LL Cool J on the fucking TV licking his lips, telling me about all the fucking games that I'm missing. How many fucking tubes of Chapstick

does that guy go through a year? Doesn't that make your lips chapped? If your own saliva, if you keep them glistening with your own saliva. That's one of those, those evidently urban sexy moves that makes, I don't know, white people in the suburbs just cringe. Like really they do that. They lick their lips and that's like a good thing. Anyways, I like how I just made all white people in the suburbs feel the way I feel about LL Cool J licking his lips. Anyways, douchebag of the week NFL network. All right, you fucking assholes. If you want to show a random Thursday game and you know, and to try to get me to buy it, I get it. You're a business, but don't do it on Christmas. You asshole. You know what you did?

You just made me more of an NBA fan. Okay. Cause they had the Celtics magic and they, they had their best guys out there. They had LeBron, Kobe, Shaq. All right. The big three up in Boston and Dwight Howard, who's got a bicep the size of my entire body and has absolutely zero fucking baseline moves. Jesus. What's his one move? He dunks. You know, if that guy would just steal one move from a fucking Kevin McHale via a Kim Elijah one, he would be unstoppable, but he doesn't. He's got nothing. He's got no turnaround jump, or he's got nothing. He's just got a bicep the size of a fucking credenza. He's got two of them. Anyways, seriously dude, that's like the biggest fucking human being I've ever seen. So douchebag

of the week is the fucking NFL network and fucking cough. I don't know. I really want to write them a letter. I just have to take all the fucks and cunts out of it. And I don't think that they're really going to give a shit, but I'm going to go biblical on them. You know what I mean? Because everybody pays attention when someone starts saying that you offended me religiously. And speaking of which, I am introducing a new segment here on the podcast. And this is the, the religious segment where you can ask questions about other religions. You can bitch about your own religion or you can say why it's great and why you like it. All right. The name of this segment is Oh Jesus, because you know, last week, I don't even know what the fuck I said about,

Oh, I remember that guy was saying how you were, how he thinks you're, you make a choice to be gay. And then he starts, you know, making some quotes with the Bible. And I was just like, Oh, you fucking people, you know, with the Bible, right? So this guy writes in and he goes, Trash in the Bible at Christmas. What have you gone stark raving mad or something? This guy sounds like a born again Christian, because he's obviously not going to curse here. Have you gone stark raving mad? I mean, Jiminy Crickets bill. Anyways, did you hit your head or something lately? Okay, let's see. You do believe in God, right? But you went to a Catholic church where they filled your skull with guilt, horror and hypocrisy. Then he puts in parentheses, the little boy thing. Oh,

is that what you call children getting molested? Grown men, fucking children. You call that the little boy thing? All right. Or whatever they did to turn you off. Okay, understandable. Understandable. But for crying out loud, this right here, this email is why I don't work clean as a comedian, because you have to use expressions like for crying out loud, have you gone stark raving mad? Anyways, for crying out loud, what makes you think God is like that? He's not exclamation point. I never said he was. These fucking people don't even listen to me. I'm saying the Bible was written by people. That's what I feel. Okay, it was written by people a long fucking time ago. They thought the earth was flat. Okay, a lot of its metaphors, a lot of the shit. I know

a lot of stuff, you know, makes sense or whatever, but it's written by people. All right. And I don't believe that Jesus was the Son of God. Okay, I don't believe your rub Buddhist stomach. I don't believe any of that stuff. Okay, all those stories are the bridge between right now and back when we used to draw deer on the inside of caves. All right, I'm not saying there's not a fucking higher power. I'm not saying I don't believe in an afterlife. All I know is that you don't know what the fuck is going on until you die. All right, so you can make your guesses, your guesses are, you know, qualified, you know, I'm not saying you can't make your guess if that's what the fuck you want to go for. But you know, I'm not saying you can't believe what you want to

believe. I just don't believe in that stuff. I just don't. Do you really believe that? Do you really believe Jesus was the Son of God? And he just, he had a wicker basket and he just was pulling fish out of it and fed 800 fucking people out of this little basket that you usually throw a fucking hot steam and washcloth into, you know, and he walked on water and then he rose from the dead. You really believe all of that? I don't know. Why is my voice going up so high? You really believe all of it? It's fucking Jay Leno. I don't believe in Jesus Christ. I'm envious of that. I'm envious of that. I don't know. I just, I don't, I don't believe that, you know, I don't believe Noah. I don't believe any of those stories. None of those stories are believable to me. They're just

not. I can see the earth flooding and everybody drowning. I can see that. I can see, I can even see a guy making a fucking boat or maybe people who are already on a boat. You know, why didn't those people survive with Noah? See, I can't even fucking answer. I don't know why. Then you're gonna fill it up with all those animals shitting all over the place. You got to capture all the animals. It's it's not fucking believable on any level, on any level. It lacks credibility. I like the Ten Commandments. I love the Seven Deadly Sins. I like the End of the World shit, but I don't take it that seriously. And this is not me slapping anybody in the face. I just, you know, and I what they're gonna say, it's because you haven't opened yourself up to Jesus. When you open yourself up and you accept

him as your one and only savior. Yeah, why can't I do that? Why can't I just do that? Why do I then have to go to church and fucking pay for somebody else's lifestyle who wants to dress like James Browns and the fucking Blues Brothers? Huh? And you guys out there going to mega church. You guys seeing those things down the south, down, down the south, down south. Have you seen those? I didn't want the fuck I'm talking about. Look, the same way that guy's standing out there going, you know, look what they just brought in from the space station. That's what preachers are doing. Unless they're giving you like life advice, but when they just start talking about that, you know, and then on the third day, God created the swing set.

And it was written that children need something to play on that would swing them back and forth next to a flag. It's brutal. It's just fucking brutal. This is really just going to cause this shit storm. And I hope it does. All right. And then on all of this, I'm not disrespecting your religion or what you believe. I just don't fucking believe it. And I don't believe that you believe it. That's how unbelievable it is to me. All right. But I believe in something, you know, that shit where you like, you walk to the phone and before you say hello, you just know who it is, that kind of weird shit or deja vu. There's a lot of weird shit out there. You know, you forget to look and you change seven lanes and you don't die.

And then you think, wait a minute, did I just look back there? I can't really remember. You were in this fucking zone. I don't know. I don't believe in ghosts. You know, I don't get, what can a ghost do to you other than wake you up in the middle of the night? I guess I could do that going beyond that. What can they do? You know, that's how I got over my fear of the dark. When I was a kid, when I would imagine that there was a monster in there, I got so mad at the fear one night, I started giving the monster the finger and it didn't kill me. And I was like, all right, any respectable monster is not going to put up with that shit. And it would come over here and fucking, there's no monster. There's no

monster. This is stupid. This is actually just nature's way of telling me it's time to go to sleep. And they're making it easy by not having the sun there. Did I ever tell you that time, one of my friends was on this, I can't say he was on a date, you know, that shit when you were like high school and you're basically drinking outside and you just start talking to some broad and you try to hook up with her. All right, so it's getting to dusk and there was this moment, okay, right around dusk where the sun's going down and the moon was, sounds like a fucking song, doesn't it? The sun was going down in the moon, like, sun's going down in the west and the moon was kind of like, I don't know, I guess at like two o'clock or whatever. And this girl was

going and someone's like, oh, wow, the sun and the moon are out at the same time. Wow, you know? And this girl was like, wait a minute, how can the fucking sun and the moon be out at the same fucking time? Yeah. And at first they thought that she didn't believe that you could see the moon until the sun completely went down, which I guess would be understandable. But they quickly realized that she thought that the sun and the moon were the same thing. And that evidently at night, I guess God or Jesus or Buddha would, I don't know, necessarily blow this, I guess she thought the sun was on a dimmer. And they would just sort of gradually bring it down. And I don't know, I don't fucking know. And that's just one of those moments where, you know,

as a kid, you just have that first moment of, is this thing too dumb to try and fuck? You know? I always had that, I could never fuck somebody who I really thought was stupid. It just, it just felt like it was a form of rape. You know what I mean? If you're just so like, I don't even say I'm a smart guy, but you know, when someone's just like, borderline like, wow, high school, really? And college, college? Wow, okay. All right. Anyways, let me read the rest of this. Oh, Jesus here. The kid thing. He's not, he doesn't, oh, this is a great line too. He's saying that God is not mad. This is one of my favorite sentences of all time. He's addressing the view of homosexuality. He says God doesn't hate fags either. Oh, that's good. That's good. He doesn't hate the,

he doesn't hate cocksuckers. God loves the faggots. He loves everybody and that is written in big letters. Even people that hold up traffic, gay guy or not, he died for everyone, everybody's sins so they can accept that free gift. See, that's, that's right there. That's what I find annoying about Jesus is the whole guilt. He died for you. Dude, I didn't ask you to do that. Idiot. You can fucking walk on water, you know, float off the cross. Wow, I'm really, yeah, this is really getting bad, but I'm just saying, isn't that common fucking sense? Like when you watch a karate movie and Bruce Lee's doing all this shit, you're like, just get a gun. Why don't they just shoot him? All I know is if I was the son of God,

I would not sit there getting crucified. Or at least I cheated a little bit, you know? I'd sort of semi-levitate so it looks like the nails are really fucking ripping at me and they went, you wouldn't, you wouldn't. Everybody caves under, under, under torture. They all do. I don't, I don't buy any of this shit. You know, it'll be funny is if all of the stuff that I'm saying isn't true is true and then like I die and then they play, like my damn nation is this podcast and you know, they're just playing this podcast and God is just sitting across from me, you know, with his hands up, you know, that shit where you, okay, you don't have your hands together. You just have the tips of your fingers together

and they're kind of spread apart and you just sort of bouncing them, you know, the classic, what am I going to do with you? I am in a position of authority over you. What is your sentence going to be? Anyways, we'll fuck it. Let's see how far into hell I can dig myself. What else does this guy say that I don't agree with? No, we know Jesus didn't sit down with stationary and write the Bible at some desk, but it is his words. You know why? I would love to know why I would love to know your proof. Okay, I'll tell you why Jesus. He anticipated my answer because I don't know the fuck is it because I know you don't know it was inspired by God. Jesus through the certain chosen people that physically wrote it. Yeah, I hear you saying

bullcrap. Why can't you curse if you believe in Jesus? I don't understand that. You know, you don't think when they were nailing his fucking limbs to that piece of wood, he wasn't going fuck. You motherfucker. Do you know who I am? Do you know who my dad is? You motherfucker. Come on. Jesus Christ, I'm really fucking, you know, this is stupid to do this, but here we go. Let's keep going. You know something, they never really fucked with his balls. I always thought that was amazing. You know, this smashing like reads over his back, you know, and putting thorns into his head. Why don't you just kick him in the nuts? His holier than now nuts. His ball bag that fucking died. I did it for you. Oh God, is that

annoying? It's really annoying. I swear to God, if Jesus at the mall signing autographs, I'd walk right by it. I'd rather meet Charles Bronson if he was still alive. You know, talk to him about being in Poland in that mind. Anyways, I hear you're saying bull crap, but you are wrong if you're saying that. I didn't say bull crap. I said bullshit. That just means you don't understand spiritual and supernatural things. See, that's another thing about these really religious people is if you don't agree with them, they can't be like, you know, this is what the fuck you think. You know, I'm not saying what this guy's saying is wrong. I hope it's not coming off like that. I'm just asking questions. You know, how come they never kicked him in the balls?

You think he didn't curse when they were fucking when they were playing the upright bass with his jugular or whatever fucking horrific thing they did to him. I actually understand spiritual things. I don't understand supernatural things. No, I don't. I don't believe in ghosts and neither do you. Okay, just because you read a fucking book doesn't mean you understand it. All right, you don't. All right. So like so many other people, you feel the need to stomp on something just because you don't understand it fully. And that makes you mad. Okay. Well, how about instead of getting mad, you asked Jesus himself to explain it to you. Okay, I will hang on a second. Jesus, could you explain the Bible to me?

Because I don't get it. Okay. All right. So now what do I do? This is really getting creepy. This is, I feel like I'm with a fucking Ouija board right now. I can't even read the rest of this. All right. That's probably a fucking stew. I really should not do this podcast. I should just fucking hit a race. You know, all right, let's talk about movies. Shall we? Let's get out of this. I saw the movie Sherlock Holmes this week, me and half of the American population all went out. That's Jesus getting me back. Yeah, I saw Sherlock Holmes and this is my movie review. This is the best way that I can put it.

It was watching Sherlock Holmes. It was like, this is how I said it to my friend, or friend of mine who actually I have who also does not believe in Jesus. I said it was like Sherlock Holmes was like, it was like the first time you ate a fat free cookie. Do you remember that confusion? You just looking at the cookie being like, you know, how can this not be good? It's a fucking cookie. You know, how can a cookie be bad? And that's literally what I felt like when I was watching, when I was watching Sherlock Holmes, you know, I'm like, how is it? Robert Downey Jr. is giving a great performance. Fucking, what's his face? Jude Law was great in it. Guy Ritchie, I loved all his movies. How is

this not fucking good? And I don't even know, I can't explain it. I don't know why it wasn't good. It just wasn't bad. It just, it was, it, I don't know. It just, it wasn't good. But I like how they dumbed down Sherlock Holmes though, rather than having him be just an egghead. They, they made him like this guy, like they turned it into like Fight Club. First of all, what was great about the movie was that they, they had elements of jujitsu in England in the 1800s, which I thought was hilarious because as far as I knew, it came from the fucking Gracie family, right? Then they get credit or very least Brazilian jujitsu. They came up with it in like the 20s or the 30s, right? Isn't that what happened? I don't know. They did that.

They had a little bit of zeitgeist in there, a little bit of Fight Club. And then, and then after he beat the shit out of people, then he would do all that Sherlock Holmes shit. And he would say all the Sherlock Holmes is fast as like an auctioneer. You're probably wondering how I knew that because that thread indicates that you were in the Middle East and they would fucking fly through the whole thing. And I don't know, it wasn't good. I'm thinking about seeing Avatar though, you know, but that even that movie annoys me. I don't like the whole, you know, I wrote this and I had to wait till technology caught up with it. Oh my God, you're such a fucking visionary. Jesus Christ, haven't you won enough awards? You don't have to fucking rub your

own balls in public. I don't think I'm ever going to book a movie again. If anybody ever listens to this fucking podcast, all right, let's plow ahead. Speaking of which, Date Night, I actually saw a preview for it and I was like, I'm in this motherfucker. And I was so afraid, I was going to see my big fucking head that I actually stared down at my, the fuck was I eating juniors, juniors, the classic candy that you would never buy if you actually had a choice, but you just do at the movie theater. They're awful. And there's so much peppermint, whatever, spearmint, whatever the mint. I'm a fucking idiot. It actually had the answer in the name. There's so much mint in it that after like three of them, your fucking throat starts to hurt. It's

like you're eating Vic's vapor rope covered in chocolate. Anyways, all right, I'm probably going to pay for that. Oh, Jesus fucking segment, but maybe that'll just be a one time only. And I hope the fucking people who wrote that shit in, don't be a cunt about it. What would Jesus do? He just look down, shake his Greg Almond hair and be like, golly, gee, what do we got to do with this guy? All right, last week I talked about men who abandoned their families. And I mentioned, obviously, that I don't agree with that. And I'm sure Jesus doesn't either forget about Buddha, although Buddha was too fat to leave his family. What's he going to do? You know, he'd have to hit the lottery. When you get that fat as a man, you need some sort of,

you need some power, you know, to pull the hot broads, you know, a little bit of Viagra. You know, they have liquid Viagra. Do you guys see that commercial yet? It's fucking unreal. They show it late at night, liquid Viagra. You pour it in your hand and you literally start rubbing one out and your dick comes up. I was watching it and it was a fucking unbelievable commercial. And if you believe that, you believe in Jesus. All right, I'm really being an asshole right now and I don't mean to be. All right, I respect all religions and I'm actually jealous that you go to bed every night thinking that there's a real life Santa Claus waiting to caress you and rub your forehead and your brow. All right, so anyways,

I talked about guys who abandoned their families and I was saying how obviously I don't condone it, but I am jealous of, I want to feel that level of euphoria because in order for you as a man to do something like that, to leave somebody who you actually agreed legally to dedicate your life to, and then you then had children with, right? Now, I don't have any kids, but I see the look on people's faces when they talk about their kids. You know, even if it's a pain in the ass and if they really could go back, they wouldn't have kids. There's a look they have on their face that that unconditional love to fucking walk away from that. All right, like the level of misery that you have to be in. I just, you know, and it must have been like, like how Mandela felt when he

finally got out of fucking, all right, it was a little big, but you know what I mean? So I was talking about it and I was thinking like, you know, last week, like what music would you listen to? What is the soundtrack to fucking leave in that? You guys all like weighed in. Somebody said, highway to hell. Another person said, you listen to wish you were here. I don't know what I would listen to. I would just, it would be just, I would just some, any song that just made me go, I would just, I don't know, it's unreal. But anyways, beyond these fucking songs, somebody actually had a story about it. This is a great contribution, by the way,

to the podcast as was the stuff about religion, even though I was a jerk about it. But you gotta understand, I gotta keep this shit funny. That's my out. Anyways, Bill, during your last podcast, you mentioned about fathers deciding to suddenly abandon their family. Well, about 11 years ago, when I was stationed in South Dakota, a guy that I work with did exactly that. He left his wife, he left his kids in hopes to start a new life. All right, the story goes something like this, settle in everybody. Are you still wearing your Christmas sweaters? All right, he was back in 1997. What a great year, huh? Clinton was getting blown. Nobody knew about it. Boy bands were popular. All right, how innocent. What a great fucking time before it all got ugly. You know,

people started lighting their nuts on fire, trying to fucking take a plane down. Anyways, Mike, this guy, Mike, was assigned remote duty for six months in Panama. At this point in Mike's life, he had about 14 years in the Air Force, that is being tasked with remote duty, playing bullshit war exercises and being restricted to a military lifestyle. So one day when I showed up to work, my squadron's first shirt, I don't know what that means, I guess the guy in charge, and a few officers had maps laid out on the table. I asked what was going on and one of the sergeants replied, we have a briefing in 15 minutes, in formation. During that briefing, I believe it was the base officer who mentioned that Mike has been missing since the day before. The FBI had some other

military branch and some other military branch was involved to find Mike by searching South Dakota by feet, automobile and air with helicopters. So my coworkers and I were tasked to drive about 50 miles to some remote location in South Dakota to post missing posters of Mike, see attachment, and he actually has the attachment here. So anyways, he says, we thought he was in danger, we were concerned for him. He was a good guy, helping people out when help was needed. So evidently, there was no sign that this guy was going to do this shit. He said he plays bones, which I guess is dominoes during lunch with us while listening to classic rock. He never came across as being disturbed. But then again, I was much younger, so I might have missed some

signs. All right, back to the story of searching for him. A few days after the search, someone reported they found supposedly his lunchbox with his military ID in it. It was several miles north of where we were stationed close to North Dakota, South Dakota border. Then they found his car in a parking lot of a Canadian airport. Shortly after finding his car, they detained him in Panama, where he was found. Mike left his family in exchange with some Panamanian woman he met during his duty there. We always wondered what the hell he was thinking when he did this. Supposedly, he left his lunchbox near a road with his ID was ID in it as a decoy. And when we drove to the when he drove to the Canadian airport to fly, he then flew to Panama. And the big joke was that he was

listening to the song by Van Halen called Panama when he left. So they arrested him and discharged him. His wife forgave him. So evidently, I guess he went back. Dude, you know, I love about that story. That is the perfect fucking song. Oh my God, just driving away from your family. He's down. It would reach down. He's the seat back. Oh, fuck, you know what I think? You know what I think the the the feeling of euphoria is you guys ever watch Ferris Bueller's day off? Sure, we all have. Do you know when those two guys, the parking attendants, you know, take the car out for the day, and they show that slow motion thing of when they go up and over the hill and they got that look of absolute joy with the wind

blowing through their hair. I think that's what it feels like to abandon a family if you're that fucking miserable. So God bless that woman for taking them back. That's either a deep kind of love or just no options whatsoever. So there you go. And I think that's going to be the podcast for this week. Let's do some classic stuff here, some overrated underrated real quick. Bill, overrated skinny girls. I've never understood the appeal of super skinny girls. They look more like little boys than women. Plus they're they're usually snobby and expect you to do all the work in bed. They're like Kobe Bryant. They are jaded and sex is more like a job for them. Dude, what you hook up with Kobe? They don't understand the magic of the game anymore. Okay, I see what you

say. Do we talking about Kobe? Did you see Kobe? Yes, on Christmas, they're down by like 20 points, and he still draws an offensive file. That guy, I'm a Celtics fan, and I admit that's a fucking best player in the league. All right, but my big complaint about Kobe Bryant is Jesus Christ, my fucking alarm. Anyways, my, my big complaint about Kobe Bryant, I just want Laker fans because you guys watch him every night. I'm not being a jerk. But when was the last time you saw him take a shot, miss the shot and not look over at the ref for a foul? It's almost like he's saying, ref, it didn't go in. They must have fouled me. That's how fucking good I am. It's annoying, but I totally respect the guy. I love his game and he's that whole team's riding on his fucking

coattails. All right, underrated fat chicks. Fat chicks are the real deal. They do everything they can to please you in bed. They are the only ones who can give you a decent hump. They are like the guy taking the half court shot for 10 grand. No matter what the outcome, they still have a smile on their face and they're just happy to be there. Dude, I'm telling you, some of you fucking listeners really ought to do stand up. That's just, you know, do you know how comedians could write something that good? All right, probably a few of them, but that's really impressive. Oh, I forgot to do the life advice. Dr. Bill, I got to blow through this and speaking, speaking of becoming a comedian, somebody wants some life advice and this is a rough one. He says, I got some shit going on in my life

and it's really starting to make me reflect on where I'm going and what I want to be. Okay, so I need some answers. First, my grandfather who raised me from the age of two almost died and recently had a quadruple bypass on his heart. No idea how long he's going to make it, but it's definitely given me a new perspective on life. All I think about now is what were the things that he didn't do and always wanted to. Fuck regretting things you did. I wonder about the things he regrets not doing. I'm 29 years old. I work as a senior manager for a major company that builds airplanes. I make over a hundred grand a year and I fucking hate it. I'm in this part of the world and I'm not going to mention. I do stand up comedy almost every other weekend at one of the comedy

clubs there. My question is this, can I ever make a transition from work to stand up performing outside of LA or New York? Or do you think I will have to quit everything and move to one of those locations? Also, do you think it's worth it? I know I'm funny. I know I'm a good comedian. I feel I make like a, I feel like making a living as a comic would be similar to winning the lottery. Even though I'm funny, it's still one in a million shot that I would ever be able to make it a career. Thank you. Thanks for any advice you have. All right, that's those are tough questions because I've never seen your act and those are really questions that only you can answer. I'm not trying to cop out here. All right, but I do know this. If you do a job and you're miserable,

you know, I mean, we want to see if you're making a million dollars a year. I mean, a hundred grand is not a fucking sneeze at. I don't know, dude. All I can do is tell you how I looked at it. When I went in to be a comedian, I was not making a hundred grand a year. So it was very simple for me to make that choice to go there. And I never really thought about not making it other than a couple of times. If I was doing a college gig in the middle of fucking nowhere, and I was sitting in a super eight and I bombed that night, then I'd be going like, what the fuck am I doing? This is crazy, you know, but being able to make a living as a comedian is not a one in a million chance. And believe it or not, making it as a comedian is

not a one in a million chance because I'm going to go out on a limb and say there's not a million stand-up comedians out there. Your rods are better than that. It might be 750,000. No, dude, you got to, you got to look, do you go out of the club and like you just, you go in there and you just feel like this is home, you know, like this is where I'm supposed to be. If that's what you feel, then I would do it. And you don't have to live in New York or LA to get a career going. Oh, Jesus, I'm trying to give me an example. I mean, every stand-up town has the local guys who never left who make a living at it. You know, it's just one of those things where you want to expand your horizons after a while where, you know, you want to start making better money

or whatever, but I don't know, dude, like if it's your dream in life, that's what you want to do, then I would definitely do it, especially because if you're at work and you're fucking miserable, then I would do it. And making a living at it is not as difficult as it seems. You know, you get a college agent, you start booking college gigs, granted, you got to fly over the fucking country. But, you know, if you want to go fucking see Sherlock Holmes in the middle of a Tuesday, you know, and dress like a shithead and not take a shower until seven o'clock that night, that's one of the great things about being a comedian. But, dude, that's a huge decision. You got to make that on your own. But I would make the happy choice. Don't choose money

because you're going to end up like one of those Stepford wives. You know what I mean? We got all this shit in your fucking, you got all this stuff, but you're miserable. So I don't know, man, that's too big a question for me to ask you to answer for you without knowing you. So I hope I helped you out. I probably didn't help you out at all. But believe me, dude, it's not as hard as you think it is. All right, it's not fucking easy, but it's really not as hard as you think it is to make a living as a comedian. All right, let's get to a question, Bill. Hi, my question is when you are in a couple situation, situations spelt with a C, what is the protocol for who or how you decorate your Christmas tree? Do you do it together or separately or in stages? You know,

one puts it in the stand, one puts the lights, etc. Or do you put, not put one up or not? All right, Christmas tree question. Questions are real late this week. Now, my thing is if I buy it, you decorate it. And if you decorate it, no, if you buy it, you better decorate it because I'm not doing it. In other words, I don't decorate Christmas trees. That's how I do it around here. I go out and I buy it. I stick it in the stand. And then my girl, she goes nuts. She decorates it and she goes, doesn't that look nice? What do you think about, you didn't say anything? No, I think it's nice. I know what I thought. I thought you were just going to come in and be like, wow, look at it. It looks beautiful. Look at the Christmas tree.

It's all Christmasy. I thought you were going to do that. Really? What would you do if I did that? Speak of the devil. Nino. Hey, I'm doing my podcast. I'm doing it right now. You're on it. All right. All right. All right. Okay. Okay. Let me call you back in two minutes. I'm almost done. All right. Bye. Jesus Christ. I'm such a space shot. I like half forgot that I was doing a podcast and saying, just calling to let you know that I'm not home yet and I'm going to be home soon. And I just wanted to start talking to you already. You know, a lot of people, a couple of people have been emailing me saying, I'm mean to my girlfriend. I'm not, I'm not mean to my girlfriend. I give her

shit. It's my way of protecting what I have in this relationship. All right. I keep it light. I fucking break balls. Oh, by the way, I'm doing this on a Sunday because I'm going to the Celtics fucking clip us tonight. And I'm actually walked away from the TV. And last I saw it was like 15, 14 cults over the Jets. I don't know if I should, I'm not going to say this. You know what, you guys remind me next week to tell you my prediction of Rex. Actually, my prediction earlier this year of Rex Ryan was that he was going to break his tailbone in a failed attempt to hang himself at some point. I've never seen, I have not seen such a desperate need to be liked. I'm telling you, that guy is emotionally on the edge. All right, that fucking bizarre Christmas

wish list thing that he did. Like, you know, I'm hosting SNL, but I'm actually fucking a coach. And he's do that guy is out of his fucking mind. And he's broken down crying a couple of times. And I've made predictions this year that I'm telling you, I can't tell you who's going to win a fucking game, but shit like that. I'm telling you, I watched that Pacquiao fight and I fucking warm things up this spring with a trip to Cyrillus where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Cyrillus, along with all NS novelties. Afterwards, slip into something as sexy as you're

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