Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-29-16

Episode Date: December 29, 2016

Bill rambles about vacation, life insurance and Joe Pesci.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. How are you doing? Sorry, it's like 8.15 in the morning. My wife's going to fucking kill me. I'm sorry. It's 8.39. All right. It's on the other side, 8.30. You know, let's take those construction rules. You can't hammer a nail until 7 a.m. I can't yell. I'm just checking in on you until after 8.30 in the morning. That's the deal that we have. All right. What's going on? How was your in-between Christmas and New Year's? Do you guys get the time off? You know, I know the kids do. Kids on break, you know, just in time to fucking run into that

chick from high school. You always tried to bang, give it a shot, right? Everybody else, did you have to go to work on the 26th or the 27th? You're right there. You're right back. It's the fucking worst. Everybody should be off. You shouldn't even be able to buy food this time of year. Everything is fucking closed. Everybody just sit down, fucking relax. You know, take a week for yourselves. We, this fucking country, man, we got to be more like Europe. I don't know how they do it over there with their fucking goddamn skinny jeans. You know, their fucking legs are as skinny as their arms over there in those tall people countries, you know, the Scandinavian countries, you know, down the Mediterranean. These motherfuckers,

they get like six weeks vacation a year. It's fucking incredible. Why don't we do that? Huh? President to be Donald Trump. You want to make this country great? You can make this country what it never fucking had six weeks of vacation. Every, you know, fucking, ah, that would be, wouldn't how great would that be? Every two months, you just get a week off, right? Then you work for seven, lucky seven. You work for seven fucking weeks, then you get a week off and just sit there and fucking chill out and start, you know, let all the stress see your job, go fucking start over. Everybody is off at the same time. Cops, pilots, you know, people who watch the nuclear fucking facilities, you just, you know,

it's not going to, nothing's going to happen, right? What's this? The Simpsons? It's, you're fine. Everybody just chill even a war. That's it. Every fucking seven weeks, boom, right? Seven weeks, you try to kill each other and then, you know, right when it hits the eighth week, somebody stands up out of their trench, right? You just fucking chill up. This is, this is basically the deal. I am really trying to, I think I'm going to fucking talk to somebody. I got to fucking get my temper under control because I don't want to be an angry dad. I want to break this cycle. So somebody told me yesterday, they go, well, why don't you try meditation? And I go, fuck out of here. That works. And the person was like, yeah, I do it

twice a day for 20 minutes. And like, I'm going to have the time to do that when I have a fucking kid. Twice a day for 20 minutes. And he said, like, if you just meditate, shut your brain off, your body just starts getting rid of stress. And I asked him, I said, this has made you less angry. He said, much less angry. So I'm going to give that a shot. And I'm going to talk to somebody, you know, I've been cleaning up all my shit, trying to get rid of a bunch of stuff. And I found this empty notebook and I was like, all right, this is going to be like my fucking angry journal, you know, figure out. Oh my God, yesterday, I did, you know, the amount of shit that I just, I just completely, I go from zero to 9,000 fucking degrees.

You know, yesterday I pulled up and there was some guy fucking parked him in, you know, the top of my driveway, because yet another thing was fucked up with my house. Did I tell you guys the awning fucking broke? It's just, it just never fucking ends. It just never, this fucking house, it never rents. I just find myself, I feel like I'm running in a giant circle that I'm, once I get everything fucking fixed, you know, 360 degrees rotisserie fucking, whatever the fuck rebuild of this fucking house. The second I do the last thing, the first thing I fixed is going to break and it's just going to start all over again. So anyways, I'm going to try to do that and you know, it's fucking hilarious is like when I actually am calm and I am relaxed,

it actually makes my wife nervous, you know, like not like nervous, like she's afraid I'm going to do something. She's just like, she's like, are you everything okay with you? What's what's going on with you? And it's just like, nothing. I'm just quiet and relaxing. She's just, yeah, are you okay? So I got to dial it way the fuck down. You know, I think my average energy, you know, you ever play like pickup, whatever sport, and there's always that person taking it way too seriously. And before the game even starts, they skate up next to you or they stand next to you post up or whatever, you can just feel their fucking energy. And you're just like, Oh God, not this fucking guy. I hate to admit it, but I think I'm that guy, except I'm not

playing a sport. I'm just fucking walking around my house. I don't know what the fuck it is, but I have to work on that shit. So as I've been mentioned, you guys have been getting rid of a ton of shit. You know, selling stuff, having a buddy mind selling on Craigslist, trying to take as little as I can to Goodwill, because I really believe that they just fill that fucking truck up with 90% of the shit and just throw it in the ocean. So I'm actually trying to sell it to people, just to share amount of shit that people bring down to Goodwill. Like people use Goodwill. You know what I mean? Without ever addressing their fucking consumerism, and I did it too, like how much shit I bought and just how every time you leave the house,

you come home with something else in a bag, and then it's just in your fucking house. Like when me and Nia first moved in, we had two people in a fucking house. I mean, it was like echo, echo, and all of a sudden five years later, it's fucking filled up. I'm like, what happened? How did we become these people? So I'm getting rid of like all of this clutter. You know, like I have every fucking laptop just about that I've ever fucking had. I've always kept them because I don't know, like I always hear that, you know, they end up in junkyards and something leaks out of them. And I'm like, well, why don't I just leave it in my fucking closet? It's not hurting anything. It's just sitting there. And then I got two in there, then I got three, then I got four. So I'm going to

try to find a place that recycles them responsibly. So anyways, throughout all of this, people go, you got to check out this documentary, these guys, the minimalists. And I started to watch it the other night. And I'm totally on board. It's what I want. And I'm watching it with Nia and it's fucking hilarious as I can feel her getting annoyed. And I'm like, are you watching this and she goes, yes, she goes, you know, I don't, you know, I like my stuff, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I kept poking at it to see what the deal was. And she's finally just like, yeah, I just don't give a shit about a bunch of white people that are all excited that they're now living with like absolutely nothing. You know, they, you know, if they fucking, well, how the fuck did she put it? She goes,

there's a lot of people living like that, not out of, it wasn't a choice, right? And I was like, oh, Jesus Christ, we're going to go down that fucking room. We actually had a great conversation. I was like, you know what, there's a certain kind of white person that'll fucking annoys the shit out of you. So he goes, no, there is, I go, yeah, there is, it's the white person that is not happy in life and is trying to, to, to figure out what true happiness is. Because the stereotype of a white person is that they just show up and all their dreams come true. All right. These are just a group of people that will live in a way, a certain way. It wasn't making them happy. They tried something new. It made them happy and they just want to share it with you. And this is why my

wife's the shit. She goes, all right, now that you put it that way. Okay, fair enough. I was being judgmental, blah, blah, blah, blah. We came, we came to a good place, but it was fucking, she went, I wish you guys could have heard, she went on one of her fucking epic rants. I was dying laughing because I heard the element of truth in it. But I don't know, there is all of that shit though. There is that, that fucking thing how every group of people is like defined, you know, by a negative. And you know, I guess with white people is that, you know, we have yachts and we're raised by the maid who's not white. And whatever we want, we get and then we screw it up and then our parents come in and save us because they know the judge, you know, and that's

definitely, that's an option as a white person, but that's, you know, you're really slicing off the top of the ham there. Anyways, so this is going to be the new me, you know, let's see how long, who the fuck's kidding who let's see how long I can sustain this. Okay, because the reality is, is you are who the fuck you are. And I am a wound up son of a bitch. And I'm going to try to unwind as much as I can for as long as I can. Before I go back into that deep groove that I've worn into how my brain is functioned. I'm going to try to fucking meditate. I'm going to get rid of all of this fucking shit that I have accumulated. You know, for years already, I've gone to like comedy events and stuff. And they're always giving you like this gift bag of it's in it's just shit.

It's just, you know, I don't know what the fuck I have to shit. I don't even know what the fuck it is. Little things that jelly beans with the fucking festival's name on it, some toilet trees, some travel bag shit, you know, all in a little bag that has the logo of the thing on it. You're like, I got to keep this, you know, part of my scrapbook that I don't fucking have. And I just what I started to do as I just say no, I say no. And then if it gets weird and they have this vibe of like, hey, I'm trying to give you a gift here, and you're turning it down, I kind of feel, you know, insulting me a little bit, kind of insulting me a little bit here. I will take the bag. And then what I do is I come home and then I just, I give it to somebody.

Hey, you know, I should have said, take, you sure you don't want it? Yeah, take it, take it. Get it the fuck out of here. You know, and what's funny too is actually now when you go out and you try and sell your shit, you realize how little fucking value it has. You know what I mean? I don't know. And I should tell you when as I sell this shit, have an element of guilt, and I always think of that movie, what about Bob when that therapist passed Bob on to Richard Dreyfus? That's what I feel like I'm doing with my stuff is I'm selling it to these people. I'm just looking at them as they buy it. I'm like, you're not going to fucking use that. Your problem now, buddy. So anyways, that's what I've been, that's what I'm doing. I got to,

I have to chill, weigh the fuck out for the next 18 to 22 years evidently. And so I imagine I'll get some tweets. Don't you think that's going to hurt your comedy? No, I don't. I've been fucking up my life for almost half a century. I have plenty to draw on. And just the fact of someone being as wound up as me trying to walk around and act like, you know, wearing a sweater and laughing at small talk is going to do it for me right right there. There'll be something in that, right? Or maybe you weren't thinking that maybe that's what I'm worried about. I'm saying that you're saying it, so I don't look like I'm I'm fucking weak on some level. So anyways, all right, Jesus Christ, I've just been fucking babbling like some chick on one of these fucking

shows. Well, Bill, maybe you got a little fucking reality chick in you. You ever think that was fucking goddamn cough ever go away? I'm sorry, let's do that again. You know, I find it really irritating that I took some medication for a cough a long time ago, about a month ago. And I haven't I'm not smoking cigars. I'm getting a good night's sleep. And I just for some reason, in order this is my wife is so pregnant right now that she doesn't remotely get cold. So so the fucking heat has been off in the house all day. I walk around with like a sweatshirt on. I just look at I go you're not cold at all. Like my feet are fucking free. Like we literally in the house. It's like a log cabin. There's like no no heat on whatsoever. You hear it now. I got

her on the background because she's fucking upstairs, right? But like, you know, I got this old house and they got these cool fucking old windows and I don't want to get rid of them because they don't make them like that anymore. But the wind just fucking passes through. Oh, the wind just goes right through my fucking house. I swear to Christ, it's unbelievable. Only thing missing is just like leaves just blowing by when I'm in the fucking living room. So I'm always cranking up the fucking heat. She starts looking like she's under like 20 blankets. So I have to you know what the deal is as a guy, you're gonna fucking loose, you're fucking loose. Why do I keep trying to turn on my computer like like I actually have internet connections down here. Alright, let's

get to the point where I got to read some of these some of these fucking reads here. I got a doctor as a point with my wife today. Stupid fucking things you got to go to as a guy. I went here to be there. No one's gonna fucking no one's gonna talk to you at all. But you know, you still need you to be here. Because I haven't been like the last two. They weren't important ones, you know, they were just sort of check up things. And like she's going everybody saying where's your husband? Where's your husband? We miss not talking to him when he's here. Alright, let's do some reads here. Wink. W-I-N-C as in cunt finding great new wine is tough. That's why I've been telling you all about our sponsor Club W, Club W looking for weapons of

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get in shape too. Easy to cook meals. You come home. You fucking put it together before you do something dumb. Like order a pizza and then have some ice cream, right? And then spoon with a fat guy and his fatness just fucking, you ever done the ever spoon with a fat guy? It just makes you fatter. That's a true story. All right. What the fuck am I in this podcast? 20 fucking minutes and you know something? Some days it doesn't feel like work. In other days it does. This is one of these days. What do you think Obama's thinking right now? I always think like this time of year, this time like when a president is in their second term, it's fucking December. Okay. You got another couple of weeks before the next fucking poor bastard comes in there,

you know, and I do mean bastard because it's always going to be a guy, ladies. It's always going to be a guy. All right. That job is for a man. There's certain things that men can't do and there's certain things that women can't do and women can do a bunch of things, but running the country is just not one of those things. How many people are going to just going to take that clip and take all the fucking, you know, I'm just fucking around of it out of there? Is he saying that women? Hey, what do you call those YouTube fucking stars? Those fucking cunts, you know, like when, like that guy punched the kangaroo in the face and you want to see it and you go to click on it and then this is just this fucking high energy,

20 something douche with the Janet Jackson fucking microphone. Can I take your order please? Okay guys, so you're not going to believe this, okay? So this kangaroo, okay? We're all familiar with the kangaroo. And then they cut to some shit about kangaroos and they just take this fucking this fucking clip. It's like, it's like, dude, I don't fucking need you. I know what's going to happen. Just show me the original clip and these fucking cunts insert themselves into it. And then they're making like 250 grand of goddamn fucking video or some shit, you know, they're like the DJs of YouTube. You know, the same fucking thing. They're doing that. They're fucking remixing this shit. They're taking other people's stuff. I don't even know

what DJing is. I have no fucking idea. I don't even know why I make fun of it. Well, yeah, you do, Billy, because you got a fucking half hour to fill up here. Anyway, so then I mentioned I was, I've been trying to do the impossible. I can't remember if I already talked about this. I'm trying to watch like every Bruin game and every Celtic game this year. Because you got to choose. You're either a basketball guy or a hockey guy. And I've been trying to watch the other night, I watched a Bruins game and then a, then a fucking Celtic game. I watched the, I don't even know if I already talked about this because I fucked up the podcast and had to start it again. I don't give a shit. I watched the Bruins lose four to three to the

blue jackets and then I watched the Celtics after that beat the Memphis Grizzlies. I believe I already talked about this. I have no idea. All I know is the fucking NFL playoffs are coming up. Does anything, repeat anything go by faster than the fucking NFL regular season? You know what goes by faster? My fucking train of thought. I was talking about presidents this time of year. You know how fucking psyched I would be after eight fucking years of being president, the stress of that, the fucking stress of that, all the bodies, all the people that died because of the decisions that you made. It's fucking inevitable. Okay. Cause you answer, you answer to the, the, the reptilian people at the top, you know, and I don't mean shapeshifters. I just mean people who do not

give a fuck about anything, but themselves and their money and power. That's all they care about. They don't care who suffers. They don't give a shit. They don't believe in God. They believe that they're a God or they believe that God is fucking, you know, bestowed them with this great responsibility to run the fucking world to try to take over it or whatever. Right. I always just think like as much as Obama doesn't want to see Trump, he has to be so fucking psyched. You know, like if I was a bomber right now, I would just be like, dude, I'm getting all the fucking sports packages. I'm getting myself a pair of silk fucking pajamas, you know, with sheepskin fucking slippers. And I'm not doing shit. I am not going to do,

but they have to do shit. You know why? Because the president only makes 500 grand a fucking year. So now what he has to do is now for the rest of his fucking life, he has to go out and give these speeches, okay, which, you know, to the people that put him in office, they pay him like six fucking figures to get out there and tell his fucking jokes and do his little song and dance. And the reality is, is they're just washing their fucking bribe money, you know, so he would push through all the shit that they wanted or as much of it as they could while he was in office. And then they also get to see like, yeah, see, we own this guy, you know, is it bringing new lizards into their fucking den to be like, see this, we actually have former presidents come here

and do a little song and dance for us. You know why? Because we own this fucking guy. We owned him before he even fucking went in there. We own the fucking next guy, you know, that's probably why, you know, as much as the upper 1%, probably did not want to see Donald Trump get in there because he's this fucking rogue guy. And all you fucking progressive lefties, oh my god, shut the fuck up. They're actually gonna end up loving that guy because it seems what he wants to do is deregulate everything because guys at his level of wealth, they're so fucking rich, they find the government annoying. I have to answer to who, who's at the door? The US government, these fucking assholes, they open the door. What? What? What now?

Well, you know, we just, you know, kind of appreciate it if that's the way the US government talks to that level of wealth because they need them to get into fucking office, right? You know, kind of appreciate it if, you know, you wouldn't build that golf course over that homeless shelter and those Native Americans, you know, you know what? I'll think about it. I'll think about it. All right? Just fucking, go fuck yourself. I do what I want. I'm making money off opiates. Shut the fuck up. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you, but you know what? I'm in fucking limbo right now is where I am. I haven't been doing standup. I can't go out.

I can't really leave the house. I'm afraid to fucking leave the house because, you know, I stay within like a certain fucking radius. So if my wife does not have our kid by January 2nd, I am going to the Rose Bowl and I am going to do the unspeakable at there. I am going to be sober as a church mouse. I won't even smoke a cigar because I have to let those fucking things go because I have to get life insurance and I don't want to pay the, I'm a smoker and I don't want to be a smoker. You know what? I'll fucking smoke like for a year. That's what I think. Oh, well, I enjoy the fucking shit out of those. Yeah, dude, I'm getting to that point in my life. I'm getting my affairs in order.

You know, it's actually, it's a, you know what? I've actually found going through the whole process of getting life insurance and putting together a trust and a will and all of that shit. I've actually found that to be just as enjoyable is getting rid of all this shit in my life, all the clutter. It's the same thing. Like this, you know, as a guy, I think there's something like how we just don't deal with our mortality. And so you don't want to think about it. But I gotta tell you, once you're just like, you're thinking like, yeah, okay, and something happens to me, you get this, you get that, and I'm fucking out, right? And nobody is, you know, nobody has to worry about anything. And then they call it be like, you know what, that son of a bitch,

I don't know what he was doing swimming with those sharks, but I gotta tell you, you say one thing about that guy, you know, he had his affairs in order. You got to be that guy. If you have any sort of wife, children, anything, you got it, you got to get your fucking affairs in order. And I haven't done it like a lot of my friends didn't, and none of them had their affairs in order and a number of them died. And that is just a fucking thing. I'm telling you right now, you do not want to put your fucking family through that, and I'm not going to be that guy. So hopefully I won't die before I get everything all fucking straightened out here, but that is my, that's my first thing I'm going to do in them in 2017.

I'm going to prepare my affairs, my affairs will be in order. Oh God, this can be so weird. You know, it's so weird about getting life insurance as you then give your partner motive, you know, my wife doesn't have fucking life insurance. She doesn't even think about it. They don't give a fuck about us, right? And you know what, I don't want her to have life insurance. You know, because then I got to deal with the cops. If something came out, well, didn't you make fucking six figures when she fell down that flight of stairs? I swear to God, I was by myself. I was playing drums in a rehearsal space. You know, I spent so much time alone every day that I would never have a fucking alibi. God forbid if something

ever happened, can anybody, uh, can anybody vouch for you that that's where you were at? And then I would have to go into my head. Who did I yell at on the way there or the way back in a fucking car? Did I get their license plate so I can call them up and say, do you remember that bald red bearded asshole who screamed at you? You know, yeah, you remember that? You can you remember what time of day that was? This is really critical for me. Um, yeah, so it's a very bizarre thing to go out and, uh, it's, it's, it's, uh, makes you feel at peace. And then also, you know, it makes you, you know, when your wife, you know, brings over, you like some food,

you're kind of looking at her. Then you're looking at the food, you know, she gets up, you switch plates. I think I've watched too many of those first 48s. You know what I mean? I love those guys the way they fucking, their first two wives die mysteriously and then someone else fucking marries them. It's just like, this is the fucking thing. You can marry somebody who had one person die. Okay. That happens. Unfortunately, that fucking happens. But once they're, they're, they're at two, get the fuck away from that person. But what are the, what are the fucking odds? You know, you got married and both your husbands died. You married twice. They, I'm a, I'm a two-time widower. Yeah. Well, you're not going to be a

three-time the fuck away from me. Check, please, right? Use that hacky fucking out to every comedy scene. I'll just, I'll have what she's having. Um, yeah, you got to get the fuck out of there. Okay. You know, you can only have one spouse die. And after that, if I was running shit, if I was one of the lizard people and I was running shit, this would be the rule. Anybody who had two spouses die and you know, we can't prove that you fucking did it. You are only allowed to date other people that had, that are already had two people die. Okay. And then, you know, whoever dies in that, who gives a shit? Cause then you just got rid of one murder and psycho, and then you just keep having them date each other. And eventually then there's only one. And then you stick that person

in a giant, like human, like parakeet cage. And like, there's the winner or there she is, right? All 48 of her husbands died mysteriously. You can never prove it. You know, take it down, put her on Coney Island. Does that still exist? That fucking rollercoaster. You ever go to Coney Island, go on that one, that fucking rollercoaster. It's one of the scariest fucking rides I've ever been on. Not because it's, it's like a scary ride. It's cause the ride is so fucking old. And there's no padding in the seat. I swear to God, I got off that ride. I felt like I was in a fucking three car accident. You know, my fucking back was killing me. My shoulder was fucked up. I don't know. You know what? I'm probably fucking up my life right now because I'm trying to do too

many things at once, as I always do. I'm going to meditate. I'm going to do yoga. I'm going to fucking stop yelling. I'm going to, I'm going to go to therapy and blah, blah, blah. I think I'm freaking up because I'm a fucking volatile fucking lunatic. And I don't want, I don't want to be that person. You know, you know, I want to be, I want to be like fucking Joe Pesci and casino, you know, minus watching my brother getting beaten to death in a cornfield. Like not that part, the part where he's making pancakes for his kid. You know, despite the fact he squeezed somebody's eyeball out in a vice like 20 minutes earlier, then he could come home and he could shut it off. It's very inspirational. Like, hey, you want some more syrup? I, you know,

I love you, right? Kisses him on the head, you know, and that's it. Then he goes out and he fucking kneecaps somebody, you know, 20 seconds after the bus drives away with his kid. That's who I want to be. All right, man, that's it. That's the podcast. And I got to admit, you know, it's been hard for me to watch the Bruins this year, man. So I've actually been watching more NBA hoop, which I'm really fucking embarrassed to say because I've always been a hockey guy, but you know, I will always be a hockey guy, but it's also, I can't ignore watching what Danny Angel's doing. It's fucking great. There's so much fun to watch. So you know what, let's look up here. Who do we got next? I don't know who the Celtics have next, but do you guys hear Aaron Kaufman

is leaving fucking gas monkey fast, fast and loud? It's fucking brutal. But the way Discovery talked about it, it sounded like he was going to get his own show, but it's just like, what the fuck? I don't want to see that. I want to see the spin off. You know, when Laverne and Shirley were on happy days, that was one of the best times ever. Then they got their own show wasn't as good. It's like when a super group breaks up and then the lead singer does their thing and then the other band gets a new, it's like Van Halen. Dave Lee Roth was never better than when he was in Van Halen. Van Halen was never better than when Dave Lee Roth was there. You know what I mean? Sammy Hagar was better when he was by himself.

What are you talking about, Bill? I don't know. Just fucking talking. You know, I'm just listening. All right, Bruins, who do we got next? We got a home and home against the fucking Buffalo Sabres. I never understood that home and home. It's a home in a way. Who's this fucking Hitler youth that they got number 55 on defense? Bristolanian? Bristolanian? Jesus Christ, tell me his grandfather doesn't live down in fucking South America. Oh, that's an old Nazi fucking hunter joke. All right, we're going to end on that. That's the podcast for this week. Just check it in on you. That's all the fuck it was. And if you guys want to, uh, you know, keep listening here, we're going to play a little fucking music and

you're going to listen to some, uh, some greatest hits from a podcast gone by in a time I can't remember. All right. Have a great weekend. You're constant. I'll talk to you on Monday. Um, New Year's everybody. Here we go. Dear Billy Baldrop. I'm not going to ask you what you're doing on New Year's because I already know you and your Rose Bowl crew will be tap dancing at the Wilton over there. Uh, I'm going to be there with a girl I'm 50% into. Okay. Well, then that affects, uh, what you should be buying her that night. And you go, she's cool. She's hot. And I don't have any major complaints about her. I'm also not in love with her and really can't see anything beyond hooking up.

My plan is to laugh my ass off and see what happens. All right. If we hook up, that's great. If not, no big deal. Dude, you're in the zone. You're in the zone. This is some demon shit. You don't care if she comes, stays, lays a praise. Now you got the air, dude. Um, I don't, I told two friends and they both advised against hooking up with her. All right. Well, I don't know your friends and I don't know what their motive is. Let's see if you explain this here. He goes, I would never let that decide whether or not I would. But the interesting thing is that they both said independent of each other that hooking up with a girl on New Year's Eve might give her the wrong impression and that she's going to be

a leech afterwards. Oh, that's fucking, that's just fear mongering. That's bullshit. What? Cause your finger, as the ball drops, all of a sudden you have a relationship. Okay. I had a good time. Had some laughs. So like you don't want to go to the farmers market? No, I don't. Do you have something against farmers markets? Not really. Well then why don't you want to go? Cause you know, I, I don't feel like going with you. I don't feel like a spark. You're a fucking asshole. For what? Being honest? But fuck you. And there it is. It's the end of the relationship. Anyways, he goes, I can't even fathom why New Year's Eve would be, be considered a special occasion that would lead to her thinking that this whole topic

is ridiculous. And I can't even stand to waste time talking about it, but I wanted to hear your opinion. I think I just gave it to you. My question to you is, do you agree with that? And also, do you think there are any days on the calendar that would make a girl think you were into her? Oh yeah. If you took around on Valentine's Day. Yeah, it's about it. Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day. That would be it. What else? What other day? St. Patrick's Day? You know, you're sitting there eating a fucking meat pie next to her hammered out of your mind with a green plastic hat on. I think he really likes me. The key, and if I could, if I could do my single life over again, is I would have been way less fearful to be honest, you know,

when relationships were starting, you know, women are not as psycho as you think. I mean, a lot of times when you say that women are psycho, it's because you are being deceptive. And yeah, then they go fucking psycho. Yeah, they definitely do. But you, a lot of times, create it. If you just tell them straight up front when they're like, so what is this? And just be like, look, I'm not looking to get in a relationship right now. Or like, listen, I enjoy your company, but I'm not feeling like this spark like there's something to that next level. I just feel like you should know that. And you'd be surprised at how well they take that. You know, then it's not that always, you know, if you say that the second you feel it,

it's usually pretty early on. So there's no really deep feelings. And that's all people just don't want to get hurt. Okay, believe me, I heard a lot of fucking people, believe me. And so that's what I learned. I remember Jesus Christ years ago. And I was just a lad living in New York. I remember I hooked up with this, this woman, and she was just like, you know, so what is this? Where's this going? And I was just like, nowhere. I'm like fucking 12, I was like 35. She was 23. I'm like, I'm like 12 years older than you. You know, by the time you two in 30, I'm going to be like 60. What do you think it's going? And she actually laughed. And I was just like, you know, she goes, so what are we doing? We're

just hanging out having fun. So whatever crazy thing you want to try, but you don't want to do it with your husband, do it with me. And that was it. And she was just like, all right, cool. We had fun for a few weeks. And then that was fucking it. And nobody got hurt. And, you know, lost touch with her. And that was it. No harm, no foul, had a great fucking time. So there's no like, but look, you take them out on Valentine's Day and you get them a rose and all of that shit, you start leading them on. So what you're really talking to, I feel, is you're talking to two younger guys like me, probably at that, like me, like how I was, I mean, how am I trying to say this? You're talking to two guys who at their age right now, I, I,

their skill level was what my skill level was, what they don't know how to set it up. So they're sitting there going, Oh, don't do this. Don't bring them out on this day, because that makes them think this. All that says to me is that they don't know how to communicate. What's going on? So they feel like they, and they're also in that thing where they feel like they have to fucking throw their jacket over a mud puddle and let them walk on it in order to get fucked that night, which you don't, you just have to be honest, because women enjoy sex too. And they also enjoy you telling them what the fucking deal is. All right. So there you go. So you don't have anything to worry about.

Hey, what's going on? It is Bill Burr and this is the Monday morning podcast. Welcome. Welcome. If you're new to it, I do one of these every single Monday. I answer questions, people email me questions that fucking answer them. People send me in their underrated, overrated lists, things that they feel are underrated, things that they feel are overrated and New Year's resolutions. That's what we're doing this week. That's what we're doing. This is like the sixth time I've tried to start doing this podcast. I don't know what the fuck's going on with me this week. It's 10 in the morning. I think I started too early. I don't know why I started so early. I have the ability to hang up at this point and I could just erase it. But for some reason I'm

just I'm plowing through on this one. Holy shit. Is that a dog fight? I think two dogs are fighting. You hear that? You hear that shit? What the fuck is with that dog? The owner doesn't do shit about it. Let's see what this dog looks like. Let's describe both people as they come up the street. Okay, that's kind of a fat person. One of those people who wears that, that you know those hats like it looks like you're going to be playing tennis, but you're not. She has one of those hats and she's got one of those little fucking terriers. Miserable fucking dog and they're getting into some sort of a,

is that a Volkswagen Golf? Wow. That's a picture for you, huh? Where the fuck did those dreams go off the wrist? I hate dogs, man. I love them, but I fucking hate them. I've been talking about how I'm going to get a bulldog and now I don't know if I can do it. I think just as a man you just they just look awesome. And then I'm watching YouTube clips of them and they're just a genetic fucking mess. I'm watching these YouTube videos, the dog snoring like. I can't deal with that. That'd be like, you know, my dad used to snore like that and I wanted to kill him. He'd be trying to watch the game and he would like fall asleep and just start snoring and I literally would think about taking off one of my, you know, the 80s back when tube socks were a lot

longer and I was like, I could choke him with this, you know, and that's my own dad. I can have a fucking dog with sleep apnea. You know, bulldogs, when they sleep, they sound like they used to play offensive line in the NFL. You know what I mean? You ever see? They got to sleep upright in a chair. That's not a fucking dog. It's like a, it's just a blob. You know, I got like 18 stairs. You got to climb up into my apartment. Things going to have a fucking heart attack. And then what do I got to do? I got to give them doggy fucking CPR. Jesus Christ. I just love the face. Is there a fucking dog out there that has that bulldog face that can breathe but can actually exist in an apartment? I really like boxers, but they're just too big. I mean, why don't I just live with a pony

at that point? Oh God, what a fucking week I had, man. What a fucking week I had. Just stayed home for the holidays. I had the best, I had the best time calling everybody up, wishing everybody Merry Christmas. I was in the best fucking mood because I was home. You know, I didn't have to fly anywhere and I'm telling you people out there, don't let your parents guilt you anymore into the fact that you have to go home for the holidays. You don't. You don't. Visit them. Visit them during different times of the year when the whole world isn't flying back to the East Coast or out to fucking Wisconsin or wherever the fuck you're going. I'm telling you, you don't have to put yourself through it. And then you can just sit there and watch the news and you see those people sleeping

on the airport floor and you can just laugh your ass off. Just knowing that that could have been you and now it isn't. And now someone else is you and it's not you and you can laugh at you while not feeling the pain. Did that make sense? I hope it did. I'll tell you what doesn't make sense is the fucking New England Patriots are 11 and five and the San Diego Chargers are eight and eight. They're fucking eight games better than the Lions and they are in the playoffs. Oh, that's sad sack fucking organization. They just can't buy a break, you know, even though they killed the Broncos and then at the end of the game, with Danny and Thomas and still fucking ninjas themselves. You know, I don't know. I don't know where I'm at with the charges. I hated them a few

years ago when they blew that game and then they started calling the Patriots a classless organization. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, really? You guys with your fucking convicted steroid user who does his taunting dance the entire fucking game, then you get mad because our players taunt him back. You know, Jesus Christ, he is just fucking babies, you know, when you fucking that poor excuse for a football stadium you have that left over concrete from the highway that they molded into a stadium. Back when Jimmy Carter was in office, he's just fucking annoying me. They annoy me and I don't know. Okay, this is my big sweeper pick for the NFL. I think the Carolina Panthers are going to surprise people. I like Jake Delon. I remember how that guy played in the Super Bowl years ago against

the Patriots and I think they got enough. I think they got enough to go deep into the playoffs and I don't know about the Giants. Giants look great, but it's just so hard to repeat. I don't know. How are you guys doing in Dallas? Huh? Jesus Christ. That was a raping. That really was. No lube either. That was just fucking, that was brutal. That was really brutal. I don't know. I don't know about that Tony Romo. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. You want to hear something? I'm actually in a great mood despite the fact that this happened. I went to Pink's Hot Dogs. Now for those of you who don't live in Los Angeles and you never been to Los Angeles, they got this fucking, they got this hot dog stand. Okay, that evidently has the greatest hot dogs

that you'll ever taste in your life. But every time you drive by there, there's literally, I mean, I'm not joking. There's like 80 people in line. I went there when I first came out here the first week and I literally stood in line for like an hour for a hot dog. So I was like, well, that was fucking stupid. I'm never doing that again. And lo and behold, for some reason, I went to go pick up my lovely girlfriend from work and someone at work had mentioned to her about Pink's Hot Dogs. So she got a craving and she was like, oh my god, can you take me to Pink's Hot Dogs? I don't know if somebody mentioned it. You know when girls get like that and they just look adorable and they deliberately act like they're like a little kid and you just, you just

can't fucking resist it. So I'm like, all right, sweetie, I'll take you over to get your hot dog. We pull up and the line is like two and a half times longer than it usually is. It's literally wrapped all the way around this fucking tin shack, by the way. It's a tin shack. All right. It's on La Brea and Melrose. I'm giving you guys some great advice. Don't ever fucking go there. All right. So I'm like, you know, I just laugh. I'm like, this is ridiculous. I'm like, you know what? It's the holidays. I didn't fly. I'm not sitting in an airport. I'll stand in this fucking line. Just to continue the tradition of me standing in fucking lines that I really don't need to be standing in around Christmas. So I stand in this fucking line. And this is the funny part. We get

there, right? Standing in line. And as these four Asian dudes in front of me, and we're standing there for 15 minutes, the line may be moved like six feet. So finally one of the Asian dudes, you know, mumbles something and can't knees or whatever the hell he was talking. And he fucking walks up to the front of the line and he comes back. And you know, I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm not bilingual. And I certainly don't speak Chinese. But I know what this kid said in his hot talk, a fucking language. He just said, dude, you got to be shitting me. Fuck this. This is just hot dogs. It's not worth it. That's what he said about the hot talk and his language. And I, you know, I told them they all the other three Asian dudes laughed, looked at each other,

nodded and made the smart move. They got the fuck out of the line. They got out of the line. And my dumb ass was like, Oh, great, I get to move up another half foot. Stupid me, right? I stand in line for like another half hour. We're freezing our ass off to the point. My girl has to go to the car. She gets to the car and somebody's writing us $145 ticket. Because evidently it became a toe zone after four o'clock. So she starts freaking out, go, Oh, we got to move the car. She's like, forget it. Forget it. We'll just leave. And at this point I'm stubborn. I'm like, no, fuck that. I got $145 tickets. God damn it. I'm at least going to get a fucking hot dog out of this. So I had to pull the car into the lot. I stand there for like

another hour, an hour and a half. I'm finally turning the corner to get to the front of the tin shack for a fucking hot dog. I can't feel my toes. I'm jumping up and down. I'm doing a little ballistic fucking movement here, trying to keep the blood and the extremities of my body for a fucking hot dog. I'm already down 145 bucks, but I'm going to see this thing through. And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, we're right at the corner of La Brea and Melrose. So at every red light, people are just staring at us like we're in an exhibit of fucking idiots. Looking at us the exact way they should be looking at us. Like, why would you stand in line for two hours? It's a fucking hot dog. You can buy packs of eight of them at the grocery store, take them home,

grill them up. And you know, you don't even have to stand in line. What are you doing? So this lady basically rolls down the window. This alternative comedian looking fucking twat sticks her head out the window and starts dripping with sarcasm. Goes, you guys standing in line for hot dogs? Right? Just dripping with sarcasm. There's nothing else, there's nothing else on that corner that we could be doing. Dripping with sarcasm and the fucking demographic demographic of shitheads that were in the line, do not hear the sarcasm and actually answer her question like she was being serious. This one guy is like, yeah. So then she goes, are they good? Just dripping with sarcasm. And this other guy answers the question, this is the number one hot dog chain in the country.

And at that point, I just hung my head in defeat going, you know what, I fucking deserve this. I really want to get mad at that girl in the car, but I can't. I can't. She's absolutely right. She's actually trying to help us right now to let us know how fucking stupid it is, what we're doing. And I just, I just hung my head and I stood in fucking line and I swear to God, I ended up getting up there and I'm looking at the hot dogs. And you know what I forgot? They don't even toast the bun. They don't even toast the fucking bun. And you just, they just stick it on there and if you have cheese, they just sprinkle some cheese on it, chili, they just put chili on it. And then you go into the shack and there's no heat. So you're

still cold and you eat basically a ballpark frank and you stood in line for two hours. And you know, I'm one of these fucking guys, man. It just, I swear to God, you know, that fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I, you literally fooled me like nine times before I finally start picking up on it. And now I finally, I finally realized it. Okay. If you come out here to Los Angeles and, you know, and you ask people, Hey, what do you do out here? And somebody suggests to you, Oh, you got to go to pinks. You got to go to pinks and get a hot dog, man. They're the best fucking hot dogs. No, they say that shit. Just slowly draw your right. Well, I mean, maybe, maybe your lefty, maybe your left hand, I don't know what, draw it back overhand, right, overhand

left, right, right into their mouth. Don't even hit their nose. Just put it right in their fucking mouth because this is what I'm trying to say. It's overrated. Okay. And those of you who aren't new to my podcast, I do want to rate it overrated. That is my big overrated thing of the fucking week. All right, pinks, hot dogs and LA sucks a big bag of fucking elk dick. I've walked into fucking four star restaurants and they've been, I go, how long's the wait? Do you have an reservation? No, how long's the wait? It's going to be about 45 minutes. And I always look at the person I'm with and we go, you know what, fuck that. Fuck that. I'm not doing that. I don't give a shit if, if, if Mario Batali is cooking the meal. I'm not

standing, I'm not here for 40, I'll go get a slice. I don't give a shit. And I stood in line for two hours for a goddamn hot dog and got a $145 ticket. Okay. All right. I got that out. All right. That's it, you know, that's been my week. And I'm still actually in a decent mood, despite the fact that my 11 and five Patriots are not in the playoffs. Oh my God, what a week of sports. And then the Celtics lost to the Lakers, which was actually a great game, hopefully foreshadowing another great NBA finals. But I got to tell you something, I don't think I've ever laughed harder in my life than watching Powell Gasol, whatever his fucking name is, that Kenny Loggins looking Croatian jackass fucking pump hitting his fist off his chest every

time he hit a layup. What the fuck was he doing during that game? I thought he's going to start singing the theme of the Titanic. He's fucking running down the court like Celine Dion every time he hits a shot. What the fuck did he really thought he proved something, didn't he? Yeah, I guess you showed us, you know, you disappeared during the finals and didn't get a championship ring. But who watch out for Powell Gasol during a regular season game in December? You know, that's what's wrong with sports. You know what I mean? Act like you've been there. Okay, act like you've been there. And when you fucking win a regular season game after choking in the NBA finals, don't fucking start pounding your chest. You know, when there's 50 games left in

the season, what a fucking moron. But I love that he did it. Him and that other guy with the hairdresser haircut, when he hit that layup and he just starts fucking pounding his chest like he's in Braveheart. You know, like he just ran over a hill with blue paint on his face and just defeated an army twice the size of his. Get a layup. Get back on defense, jackass. I really hope that that pissed the Celtics off. I know it did. I know it did. And that's only, it's only going to help us out. That fucking, who is that guy, that guy with his hair cut there, talking about how, I hate the Celtics. I don't even wear green on Christmas. That's how much I hate the Celtics. Oh yeah, I guess you showed them. You know, green, you know, is also a part of

nature. It's a part of Christmas. It doesn't have to mean Celtics. But if you want to ruin your holiday and wear blue, man. But whatever, no, you know, my biggest thing is I liked, what's his face there? Andrew Bynum, man. That guy's the shit. You know, I didn't see any fucking chest pumping from him. And he could fucking put both of those two other jackasses and fucking snap them over his knee like a couple of number two pencils. And he wasn't thumping his chest. He scared me. He had a quiet confidence about him. Those other guys look like a cop. You know what they look like? You ever see like when the spaz in elementary school finally decides to fight back, you know, you've been flicking them in the back of the ear for like three periods in a row. And he finally decides to fight.

And you want to respect him, but you can't because he's making those spaz noises as he throws punches like half crying. That's what those two jackasses look like. Fucking pumping you goddamn fucking chest. I really wish I could remember the Titanic song. I'd fucking start singing it now, even though I know I can't sing as I proved a couple of podcasts ago. All right, let's get into the podcast here. The New Year's resolutions. Okay, last week I talked about my New Year's resolution. If you're new to my podcast, my New Year's resolution for next year is I'm not going to tip when I get bad service, okay, at a restaurant. I've been doing that religiously. No matter what the guilt that I always have, I have to tip 20% no matter if you actually drop my

piece of cheesecake on the fucking floor, you know, spit on my fork. I still give you 20% and I'm not doing it anymore. All right, if you suck, I'm not tipping you. I can't just like not tip, but you know, you're not doing your fucking job. You suck. All right, so that's my New Year's resolution. If you give me bad service, I'm not tipping. That's what I would hate too, like with celebrities, have you noticed that? Like in whatever, like one of those celebrity blog things or page six in New York, they'll be like, oh, Fred Danson was at a diner and evidently his finances aren't looking too good as he tipped 4%. You know, at no point do they ever think maybe that the service sucked. Maybe he asked for cheese and his scrambled eggs and they didn't give it to him and then he sent

them back and then they did what they did was took a cold piece of cheese and just slapped it on top and just gave it back to him that way. And maybe he was a little bit miffed and maybe that's why he didn't tip immediately go, oh, he's famous and he doesn't tip. He's a cheap fuck, you know, because I'm miserable with my own life. And so I'm going to attack the celebrity. I don't know if Ted Danson ever got busted for not tipping, but you know what the fuck I'm saying. So anyways, here's people's New Year's resolutions. All right, New Year's resolutions. I want to make a conscious effort to connect with the people around me because human relationships are vital. And I've been too quick to take them for granted or dismiss them all together.

When I stop to think about what I value most in my life, it's all the memories good and bad with my friends and families. That's what makes life worthwhile. You know what, that was actually really nice, but because of my choppy out loud reading skills. That's why I could never host a 700 Club because that fucking big headed jackass could have read that email with his eyes closed through the last third of it already getting ready to be like, praise Jesus, praise Jesus. Let me see if I can do that like the guy in the 700 Club. And this one here comes from Chattanooga, Tennessee. Praise God, praise God for Chattanooga, Tennessee.

And his New Year's resolution is this, Lord, I want to make the conscious effort to connect with the people around me because human relationships are just so, so vital to me. And I, Lord, I apologize. I've been too quick to take them for granted or just to dismiss them, fuck, dismiss them all together. And when I stop to think about what I value most in my life, Jesus, it's all the memories good and bad. Even when you challenge me, it's still good. All the memories good and bad with my friends and family. That's what makes my life worthwhile.

You know, I think he made a very good point there that a lot of times in life, we do forget things that are most vital. Everybody's talking about getting a new guitar hero or the latest iPhone. Those are just gadgets, people. If you really think about it, did Jesus have any gadgets? Hell, he didn't even have any fucking shoes. You didn't hear him bitching. He was too busy putting his hands on a leper. Okay. So I want you all to put your hands on the TV screen right now. Pray with me. Pray with me. Just pray with me right now.

Please Lord Jesus Christ, my savior, please help me to remember relationships in my life that are so, so very vital. Okay. And I don't have a pot to piss in. And even though the bankers just stole three quarters of a trillion dollars, I don't give a fuck. I'm just happy because someday when I die and I'm in the ground and the worms are eating in my eye sockets, I'm going to have a couple of wings and I'm going to be flying around in the clouds. Praise Jesus and please send your contributions to the 700 Club so I can get the crow's feet taken off my face because I spent half the show squinting.

All right. See, I can read out loud. I can read out loud. I just have to get into praise Jesus. All right. New Year's resolution number two. Number two, I am going to stop dwelling on all the garbage of the past and look forward to the garbage of the future. All right. That's uplifting. I really thought I was going to get more New Year's resolutions. I guess people didn't. Wait. I have one other one in there. I thought I did. Somebody's saying that they weren't going to do the hacky go into the gym thing. That's the worst. Oh, look at me. I'm clicking on it. I'm clicking on the computer again.

We did find out what the clicking noise was. That was me doing that. I'm going to stop doing that because it bugs people. Although somebody was so miserable told me to keep doing it because he enjoys when I annoy people. Last week, I talked about going to the movie milk and saying I really enjoyed it, but I actually was avoiding the movie because all my straight friends kept saying it's a great movie, but I got to warn you, there's a lot of male kissing in it. And I was just talking about how, you know, that was something that was actually pushing me away from that movie.

And I was like, does that make me homophobic? I don't think so. I just think, you know, I don't think it's anything wrong for another man and another man to lock lips. I personally just don't want to look at it. And I certainly don't want to pay $10 to see it. So this guy says, this guy, I think put me straight here. He said, I understand that the sight of two men kissing makes you slightly uncomfortable. I feel the same way. The reason for this is that you are heterosexual. That being said, I think you may be taking it a bit far to let it stand in your way of enjoying a movie.

Just because something is uncomfortable to watch doesn't mean it ruins the movie. I find it marginally uncomfortable to see someone get tortured, but I'm not going to write off a whole movie because of that. And the porn analogy, that's actually a great point because yeah, I would never want to get tortured, but I've seen a bunch of movies where, you know, guys get tortured and that type of thing. But you know something, I can actually argue that point because, you know, when I watch Lethal Weapon and I watch Mel Gibson, you know, dislocated shoulder,

I know that it's not real. He's not really dislocating his shoulder, but when you go to see Milk, that guy's really kissing that other guy. Really, really kissing that other guy. All right, so, but I understand what you're saying. He is right on a circle. I don't know, but I don't know. I don't know if this is the whole fucking Oprah, let's turn guys into a puddle of mush. You think John Wayne would go see Milk? You know, I'm not going to go see another guy fuck another man. God, that was a terrible impression. All right, here's the second half of his analogy.

And the porn analogy you made while hilarious was somewhat inaccurate. Okay, I'm going to be open to this criticism. I'm not going to lose my temper. He says, when I watch porn, I jack off. However, I do not jack off every time a man and a woman kisses on screen during a regular film. In fact, I usually go boneless. God damn it, that's a good point. Likewise, I imagine gay men jack off while watching gay porn, but not necessarily in the middle of Brokeback Mountain. I'm going to argue with you on that one. I'm going to argue with you on that one. I bet I bet a lot of gay guys did jerk off to that, even though I didn't watch that movie

once again, because I didn't want to watch two guys fucking a tent. And not even that, even if it was a man and a woman fucking a tent, I wouldn't go see it, because it's basically a chick flick. And I really don't care about watching two people make a relationship work. Speaking of which, have you guys seen that new movie coming out with Leonardo DiCaprio and that fat chick from the Titanic? That's so mean. That little fullback with the big head from the Titanic. I'm really being mean during the holiday season. Have you seen the good thing? Like, I guess, you know, they had two people with dreams, and then they moved out to the suburbs, and then they have a kid, and then they just start yelling at each other about how

awful their life sucks, and they have all this dramatic music. And that's another movie I'm not going to be able to see because the entire, I can't go see it in public because I'm going to ruin it for the people around me. Because the entire time I'm just going to be yelling at the screen, you know, why don't you just move? Sell your house. Go back to the city. It's a free country. You're able to do that. Hello? I mean, I'm wondering, am I going to watch 90 minutes of them yelling at each other? I didn't want Tupperware, honey. Okay? You wanted an ottoman, not me. You wanted it. And him fucking punching a cupboard right near her head. And I just, you know, move, get divorced. You know, I've really learned that about anger. A lot of anger is when you feel powerless in the

situation, and you're not powerless. You have the intelligence to make the decision to get out of a bed. I mean, I know it's not that easy, but you know. But anyways, you know, I want to commend that guy who sent in all that stuff. He really made some great points. You know, I think you made some good points, but like, there's a big part of me why I still feel like I'm right. I mean, I don't know, do I want to get comfortable watching two guys make out? Well, let's see, what am I afraid of? The obvious that I'm going to watch that it's going to turn me gay. That's so stupid. All right, you know what, Mike Flynn, you're fucking right. Okay, you're right. You're god, you're absolutely right. And he said, TS, fuck the Bruins. Well, you can say that all you want,

dude. They're like fucking 27 and five. All right. Which one's your team? Exactly. Let me just sit there and deal with that. All right. What do we got next? Movie reviews? Movie reviews? No, I did this last week. Oh, Jesus Christ. This is why you always hear the clicking sound because I'm not organized. Okay, here we go. Underrated, overrated. Okay, I think you guys know not to go to pink hot dogs at La Brea and Melrose. Do not go there and feel free to make fun of the people who stand in line at pink hot dogs because evidently, we don't understand sarcasm. So, you know, do anything you want. Stick your head out the window and just be as sarcastic as you want, and they will just answer your questions. You know what? That's the big thing. We should just

drive by and heckle the people at pink hot dogs. I think I'm going to do that next time, which is very hypocritical because I stood in line last week. I want to go down there and protest them. Just have a sign and just be like, you know, if they're not that good or it's not worth it, or maybe I'll just yell out obvious shit just to hear people answer it. Aren't you cold? Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am. All right, overrated. Here we go. Overrated. This person says this week, overrated Owen Wilson. Over one billion in box office, but Jesus Christ, I can't read out loud. This is actually funny. Let me go back to the beginning to restart the comedy momentum. Okay, overrated Owen Wilson. Over one billion in box office,

but does this douchebag really make anyone laugh? This guy makes cute movies like wedding crashes and Rushmore. Both cute, but not funny. I will never bust a gut laughing watching this crooked nose, no talent. And why does he always pucker his lips in every promo shot? I'll leave that to your imagination. Wow, he's going after Owen Wilson. Didn't that guy just try to kill himself a few months ago? You know, I think he tried to kill himself because he keeps making, yeah, he makes these cute little movies. Remember that You, Me, and Dupri? I mean, that the fucking title of that movie alone, you know it's going to suck. And he's got another one of those coming out, another one of those kind of movies, You, Me, and Dupri, Me, You,

and Magoo. You just, you just know they're going to suck. You're going to improv and the crew's going to be laughing because they're afraid not to laugh because you're famous after each take. I think he puckers his lips so maybe you don't look at his nose. I think that that's what he does. Or maybe he's like coming to the realization that he's actually in a movie called You, Me, and Dupri. It rhymes. That'll get him. You know what, I bet you, you know, I don't even know how to look up box office numbers. I bet, I bet it did great. You know, I, this is, I know what I think why like guys like that end up killing themselves because I think you very subtly get taken off track in this business. And you forget who you are and why you ever even got in this business.

And I actually had that feeling last night when I was watching one of those cooking shows. I basically watched football all day, watched my Patriots do what they had to do. And then I watched the fucking fumbling, bumbling, stumbling jets kill my fucking post season. So yeah, I watched eight hours of football. So at that point, it's my girl. So like, okay, it's my turn. So she puts on the cooking network. And I'm watching one of those iron chef shows, some sort of throwdown. I don't know what the fuck it was, but I'm watching Bobby Flay and a, you know, pretty famous goddamn chef with his own TV show already, and all his own restaurants. And he's standing there getting judged by these jackasses, just regular people going, you know, I thought

the falafel, the outside was a little too greasy, while the inside was a little too flaky. And I'm just sitting there looking at the expression on his face. And he really, it really comes one of those moments. Like, what the fuck am I doing? I don't need to do this. Why did I get into this business? I got into this business because I love to cook. I like to cook. I like to make people, you know, make a little money off the shit, and make people happy, just eat my food and shut the fuck up. Why am I standing here as this construction worker is fucking critiquing my falafel? You know, it was, it was John Starks from the Knicks, who was critiquing. Actually, he liked his falafel. I don't know who the fuck it was, some Queen Latifa. I don't know who the

fuck it was, but it was one of those deals. Like, dude, you didn't have to go through this fucking humiliation. You already made it, you know, and you're standing here on TV and that they're filming your fucking humiliation. And I think that that's what happens to guys like Owen Wilson. He got into this business. No one gets in this business to be in me, you and Dupree. You want to make on the waterfront. You want to be in the next godfather, whatever. You want to do that shit. But what happens? You got a mortgage payment, you got shit you have to do, you know, all your relatives and third cousins know you're famous. So at the very least, you got to buy them all iPods for Christmas that cost money. And next thing you know, you're, yeah, you're in me, you and Magoo. And that's

still the only look you can have on your face, sort of put puckering up your lips like, it's not like, you know, do you want to kiss me? And so like, ooh, ooh, I guess this one's gonna suck. Sorry about this one, guys, I swear to God, the next one's gonna be a little more artistic. You know, and then you lick somebody's ass for an hour and a half and somehow that ends up in the paper and they call you the butterscotch stallion. And the next thing you know, I don't know, I don't fucking know. I don't even know what it, I don't even know what any of that even meant. But yeah, I wouldn't say that that guy's overrated. I think, you know, he's actually is because his movies keep making money. I think he's a good actor, but he doesn't make

good movies. All right, underrated. This guy says the movie The Last Dragon, anything with two lead characters named Shonuf, the Shogun of Harlem, and Bruce Leroy has my attempt, my admiration. Once again, I butcher what the fucking guy wrote. I mean, you know, you guys are gonna have to start getting like leaving me voicemail messages, and then I'll just press play because I cannot read out loud to save my life. All right, overrated. Fine MySpaceBitches sending you invites to join them at clubs, record release parties, or New Year's events. I'm not really going to meet them, and what am I going to say if I do meet them? I got invited from MySpaceBitches to come hang out with you. Exactly. You might as well go stand in line for a fucking hot dog at Pink's.

You know what? In half the time, it's not even, it's not even the person, you know, usually some fucking fat bald guy who just takes some random picture of a girl with a bikini, you know? All right, here's another underrated guy. I like this one. Somebody said Billy Squire is underrated. He gets no, his music gets no classic rock radio play anymore, but tell me that don't say no doesn't kick ass. I don't know. I don't know about Billy Squire. Billy Squire, he's kind of like Drew Bledsoe, you know? He sort of has hall of fame numbers, but he never, he never won a ring, you know? I don't know. Let's see, let's keep for the defensive. Let's see what else he has to say.

He said admittedly, it's not in the same league as back in black. Yes, exactly. But when lonely in the night or the stroke or my kind of lover unexpectedly do get radio airplay, you blast the car stereo. All right, I gotta tell you something. When the stroke comes on, I actually turn it down a little bit. I'd have to be in the middle of the Berkshire, somewhere in the middle of nowhere to actually turn that song. I don't know. That song, I think if you're in seventh grade, that song holds up, but you know? Everybody, have you heard? Stroke me, stroke me. I mean, you guys, he's a rock star. Is he really still just getting hand jobs? I don't get it. But I gotta say, the drummer in Billy Squire's band did the best John Bonham impersonation I ever

heard. And I actually looked him up one time on the Internet. I found out that he actually passed away. So rest in peace, drummer from Billy Squire. All right, here's, you know, isn't that nice during the holidays? All right, Bill, know what's really underrated? I like this one. How do she, someone comes off when they say they like to foreign film? All right, here's his story. There's this guy I work with who likes to try and sound cultured, because he sees these independent, these foreign movies that won best picture at the Albanian Film Festival or some shit like that. And every time he talks up a movie, it just sounds like a movie only a douchebag would enjoy. But what makes it worse is what he'll totally, is that he'll totally dismiss any movie that sounds that anyone else likes.

I recently saw the wrestler with Mickey Work, and I was telling someone at work that it was it was pretty good. And right away, this douche chimes in going, you went to see a movie about wrestling. This coming from a guy who watched a three hour movie about some old man who likes to make pottery. And he had to read the whole thing because it was the dialogue was in Turkish. By the way, go see a wrestler. You don't have to like wrestling to appreciate the story. Exactly. All right, first of all, just because it's a foreign film, and you have to, you know, read subtitles doesn't mean it sucks. But that also doesn't mean that it's great. And just because the movie's about wrestling doesn't mean it sucks, because this guy is absolutely right. I saw the

wrestler. It's a fuck. I think it's a really good movie and Mickey Work is great. And I don't know. Go see it. Come on, it's Mickey Work. The guy put on 40 pounds of muscle, wink, wink. You know, anybody else out there work out? How much protein do you have to ingest, wink, wink, to put on 40 pounds of muscle? But then again, those wrestlers put on 40 pounds of muscle, muscle, wink, wink. So he did the same. He was method acting. He did what he had to do to put on 40 pounds of muscle. And he looked pretty good in the tights there. All right. Here's the questions of the week. And then I'm going to wrap up this podcast just because I listened to last week's podcast as I was fixing some things on my page. And I thought it went along way too long.

I think somewhere around a half hour is a good amount of time. All right. Question number one. Bill, as a former member of Planet Fitness and having a moral obligation a few weeks ago, I had no choice but to quit. Planet, what am I doing here? Is this overrated, underrated? See, I just, I'm just disorganized. All right. I started reading it. So now I have to read it. What is this? Planet Fitness disappoints me on several levels. First off, all their franchises branches paint most, if not all the floor equipment, a gay purple and yellow color. Oh, this is a guy trying to say that all gyms are gay now. And is there a question at the end of this? Okay. Whatever happened to real gyms? Okay.

Yeah. The equipment is painted a gay purple and yellow color. Yeah. Just like the Lakers. Oh, to comfort sensitive people that are intimidated by muscle heads and or fitness clubs or reality in general. And that is gay. I think by gay, he means stupid. And what is even more gay is the fact that you're not allowed to have a barbell on the floor. That means no deadlifts, free standing squats and stuff like that. Doesn't that mean don't leave the barbell there because they don't want to be sued? I don't know. And it's not like when others I work out with, we are intentionally trying to intimidate people. We're not acting like Hulk Hogan did back in the day to excite a crowd before a match. I'm five, eight, 160 pounds of scared white meat. I had to quit

because I don't want to be converted anymore into a pussy by conforming to their lame rules. I don't know what the fuck, you know what? Half of this might mean not being able to read out loud. As corporate America is comforting most morons in this country, they are also eradicating conventional wisdom in American culture to increase their revenue regardless of repercussion. LA Fitness sucks balls too. Whatever happened to the real gyms, there's this question. There are real gyms. And you go there and you lay on the floor to do fucking sit-ups and the next day you have some sort of rash, like you're on the ultimate fighter. And then they have to, they don't mop down their fucking mats enough.

Number two, I'm sorry, I butchered that whole thing. I apologize. I'll send you a refrigerator magnet or something. All right, Bill, you occasionally mentioned having a girlfriend and you recently went on a hockey trip. Yeah, I did. I went on a three-day trip. I went to a home game of the Calgary Flames, Edmonton Oilers and the Vancouver Canuts. He goes, I assume she did not go along. What kind of obstacles did you have to hurdle to avoid hearing a bunch of stupid girl complaints about that trip? I didn't have to hurdle any of them. I have a great relationship because I fought the battles I needed to fight. So that when I say I'm going on a hockey trip, they can't be like, oh, so what does that mean? You don't care about me? No, that's not what it means.

It's not what it means at all. It means I like hockey and I want to go on a trip. That's all it means. See you on Monday. Yeah, no, earlier in my my dating career, I used to have to go through shit like that, but you know, you just you just have to have the battles and you don't you don't scream and yell. You just say in a very nice way, listen, I worked very hard this year, you know, I've, you know, I'm not going to get until the intimate details of shit that I've done. Okay, I've earned the right. Okay, I'm coming back. I'm not going to go up there and fucking bang an Eskimo. I'm just going up there with, you know, with some friends to go on a hockey trip. There's no problems. Okay, stop making me feel guilty

for doing something fun. And that pretty much ends it. In other words, grow a dick in your fucking relationship. And yeah, don't don't paint yourself. If you're in a relationship right now, where you're not allowed to go do something fun with somebody other than the person you're dating, you're not in a relationship. You are actually a hostage and you need to get out of that situation. You know, make a YouTube video, blink SOS, do whatever the fuck you have to do, but get out of that relationship. Because just get out of it, because it's not going to get better. Once you've given up that territory, you know what I mean? It's like all these Mexicans, you see protesting about, you know, getting Texas back, you're not getting it back. You're not. It's over. It's fucking

done. You know, you need to pick up a gun to get it back. So put down your signs because it's fucking over. All right, question number three. Bill, podcast question, okay. One of my favorite things to do every month is flip to the back of Vanity Fair to see if an artist I like is answering the Proust questionnaire. Whatever the fuck that is. There are, okay, basically, there are a slew of questions and I would love to hear how you would answer all of them. But for the purpose of this email, I will only specifically ask, what are your favorite, favorite qualities in a man and what are your favorite qualities in a woman? Oh, okay. So this is obviously a questionnaire where they, they ask celebrities what they're looking for in a mate. What are my favorite

qualities in a man? He's not a douche. He adheres to guy code, which I'm not going to tell you what that is, because only men should know what that is. Has a strong jaw, orders for me when I go out to dinner, holds the door, acts like a gentleman, but isn't afraid of my opinions? Yeah, I don't know. What are my favorite qualities in a man? I don't know. He eats with his mouth closed. You know, I don't like those fucking crow, like fucking half a caveman guys. You know what I mean? Like those guys, like morons. I don't like hanging around dumb people, men or women. And yeah, I, you know, I like to be hanging out with a guy who's in a relationship that he's happy to be in. So I don't listen to him bitch about it or pretend to be happy in it.

Common sense stuff. And what are my favorite qualities in a woman? I like a woman who's, who's neat. One of my biggest turnoff of women's are women's. I don't, we don't, I don't like about the women's is when the bitches be messy. No, seriously, a woman who's messy is one of the biggest turnoffs ever. You know what I mean? That's like a guy who can't pick up something heavy. You know, if you're like a woman, you're like, Oh, can you give me a hand with this? And he like breaks the nail. Like, wouldn't that turn you off? That's like ground zero of being a man is you should actually have some sort of physical strength. And with the woman is they should know how to keep, you know, the house clean. That's right. I just said that. And I don't

think that is sexist. All right. I think that's one of the fucking great things that a woman does. teaches you how not to live like a fucking animal. It's one of the things that they're allegedly naturally good at. Although I find a lot of women to be pretty fucking messy. And yeah, I'm old school, women who can cook and clean and all that type of stuff. You know, I'm not saying that I'm going to walk walk in like a caveman with mud on my shoes. And you should have to sweep up behind me. But like the same way women still want guys to know how to be handy around the house. Yeah, women who can cook are the shit. Women with a sense of humor, women who actually are into sports a little bit. I understand most of you think it's retarded.

Yeah, that type of shit, you know. And I don't like horse. I like classy women. Women who were classically beautiful. Yeah, I don't know that type of shit. You know, it's none of your fucking business. All right. After that was I just felt bad divulging all that personal information and I just felt like I was opening up too much. I got a little scared. Okay, the very least in this podcast question, you know, you got to listen to my impression of the 700 Club. All right, question number four. Do you believe in God? If so, how can you be so fucking stupid? You know, I actually understand what you're saying there, but I definitely do believe in a higher power, but I don't believe in it within the context of organized religion.

I don't know if that makes any sense. I definitely believe in a higher power, something, whatever it is. I mean, how the fuck did all this stuff get made? But it's just so crazy to think that there's this big thing that made all of it. And where was he when he made it? Or it? Didn't he have to be in something that had to be created? I don't know what the fuck's going on, but I know the answers are not in organized religion. That is just basically an updated version of caveman paintings on the walls. And, you know, when people get really religious, super, super religious, they somehow get really angry and they get violent and it leads to wars. And yeah, I don't believe in it, but I definitely,

you know, when I contemplate my own death, I do get scared that I'm not a member of any organized religion, you know? So I don't know. I don't know. I don't fucking know. I believe in a higher power, but I don't believe in it within organized religion. Okay, the final question. Here we go. Number five. Bill, is there any way to listen to the uninformed show you do on XM? I don't have an XM subscription, but I did enjoy the live version you did on Opium Anthony a couple of weeks back. Well, the one we did on Opium Anthony was on XM, wasn't it? No, there's no way to listen to it without that. And we don't have the money in the budget to, I don't know what we have to do with that. That's one of my New Year's resolutions to somehow get it up on the internet. For those of

you new to the podcast, I do this radio show uninformed. It's on XM. I do it with Jota Rosa. We do it once a month or lately once every other month because shit has been fucking weird. But anyways, that is the end of the podcast. I appreciate you guys all this year. You know, I just want to say thanks to everybody for everybody sending in your questions and, you know, your contributions to the podcast are the reasons why that it's now 50 minutes long, as opposed to the back in the day. Remember back in the day when I used to do it in a one room shack, and I could only talk for eight minutes and then I'd have to hang up. Well, thanks to you. It works for all of us. The Bill Burrow Monday morning podcast. All right, you guys have a very happy

New Year. And oh, there's one for you. That's what I think is fucking overrated is New Year's. It's the dumbest fucking thing ever. I'm actually going to walk out and make a peanut butter sandwich while I talk about how overrated fucking New Year's is. This is bonus time. You guys don't have to listen to this. This is like after the game when you know who won and you're listening to the post game analysis and there's really no reason to fucking do that. This is what this part of the podcast is. So you're not obligated to listen to any of it as I make a fucking peanut butter sandwich. Look at that. There's the parking ticket from the tanks right on my refrigerator, just mocking me, mocking me and the awful fucking hot dog that I got. Yeah,

you don't need to go out on New Year's. You know, I've actually been because I'm finally taking New Year's off. I'm looking at all these regular bars. You know, of course, my girl wants to go someplace fancy. So she has a place to wear her New Year's dress, which I totally understand. But now all these regular bars that have like a fucking $10 cover charge, it's all 40 bucks, 50, 75, some places are leaving even like 150 bucks to do what? Go out and drink, which you can do at home for free. And now you're standing next to fucking, now it's jam-packed, it's hot, people with plastic hats and those stupid fucking horns blowing it in your ear. That's how you really want to bring in the New Year, getting completely overcharged for some shit

to stand with a bunch of other douchebags. Three, two, one, you know, that's all overrated. And all you fucking scared whores out there whose dads didn't stick around so you have low self-esteem and you drink too much. And then you go into that panic where you're like, oh my God, it's New Year's. I need someone to kiss. I have to have someone to kiss. You don't. Don't give into peer pressure. You know, sweetheart, if you want to wonder why you always end up in the bathroom on your knees in the stall, it's because you give in to herd mentality. You don't have to do that. You don't. You don't need somebody to kiss. What you need to do is contemplate, you know, the fact that you don't have someone to kiss and that that's okay.

And that you should hold out for someone who's going to treat you good rather than drag you in it into the fucking bathroom at 12.01 to make you fucking, you know, so you can suck your first dick at 2,009, you know, 2,009. 2,009. You know what I mean? I don't know. You don't actually put jelly on it. I've been trying to just do the protein, but I had to put jelly on the sandwich because, you know, you try to eat a peanut butter sandwich and, you know, you dislocate your job by the time you're done chewing all of it. It's just a fucking pain in the ass. So anyways, thanks for listening to the podcast, everybody. Please keep the questions coming and it's not too late to send in your New Year's resolutions. And you know what? I like that a lot of people didn't send in your New Year's

resolutions. You didn't follow the fucking pack and make one. You can make one anytime of the year and that's it. I'm in my little breakfast nook and the sun is shining in and I feel special. Talk to you next week. I'm going to let you go in the cells we got to get to know. Hey, don't forget about me now, baby. Oh please, don't forget about me now, baby. Hey, can I borrow one minute of your tomorrow? Don't let it cause you sorrow. Hey, baby, don't forget about me now, baby. Don't forget about me now, baby. Don't forget about me now, baby.

Hey, baby.