Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-30-21

Episode Date: December 30, 2021

Bill rambles about Kenny G, old school teachers, and recycling.    

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And I'm just checking in on you. Sorry. What's going on? How's your week going? Is it going good? That weird, you know, depressing time between Christmas and New Year's, but then the excitement of like, Oh man, I'm going to make it through the holidays without killing myself. Yeah, it's a, it's always a weird week, you know, I used to like it when I was a kid.

It was always a bummer, man, when Christmas was over. Is there anything more exciting than a Christmas tree with the presence around it and equally as depressing is afterwards? You know, the tree stops getting watered. It's just sitting there like an old pop star just doing the casinos now singing its old hits. Have a holly jolly Christmas. Thank you. It's the best time of the year. You remember God, you know, sticking the mic out for the fucking high parts.

Oh, come on. Hell yeah. Anyway, but I decided that this week I was going to, I was going to try to sleep something I barely, I don't do enough and I'm reading all of this stuff online so God knows if it's fucking correct. And you really just have to take everything that you read online like this has to be like everybody is just spinning it. Everybody is just spinning it. It's just all filthy fucking closers coming in like a 1970s closer mustard on your shirt Vaseline on the bill you had every fucking cunt out there is just spinning. Just bullshit.

The bullshit. Just the bullshit of them. You know, the whole fucking you go to somebody's, I don't know, a little stupid fucking, what do you call them? Their page, their site, their asset. I don't know. Just looking at it. I'm like, it's like, this looks like an ad, you know, for a hotel or something. And it's like somebody's life.

It's like pictures of like the perfect breakfast. And there's linens working out sunsets. All right, whatever. Stop judging Bill. I make a living doing it. I've painted myself into a corner. I have to do it. Speaking of before I get into that getting judged and everything before I get into that shit.

Let's talk me and my lovely wife. Watch this documentary on Kenny G. That I highly, highly, highly recommend that I highly recommend it was absolutely. I loved every second of it. It was fascinating. And, you know, I've met him a couple of times. He's a great fucking guy and a great pilot. And he actually was the guy that told me who to call.

I think I ran into him. I swear to God at the Hollywood Bowl. I was going in to go see Vinny Caliuta play with Herbie Hancock. There's no fucking way I was missing that, right? And I forget somebody that knew me, knew him and was with him. And I was like, you want to meet Kenny G? I was like, fuck yeah, I want to meet Kenny G. Guys sold like a hundred million records.

Absolutely. So I went over and they, hey, this is Bill because he's like, I know you. I've seen your thing on Blyce. I know you too. I go, you're a scratch golfer because that's what I heard about him, whatever. And he just was the coolest fucking guy. So I said, hey, you know, I fly too. Cause a buddy of mine had run into him one night, um, years and years ago in some bar.

I was like, hey, are you Kenny G? He said, yeah, he's like, what are you doing here? Did you play have a gig tonight? He said, nah, you know, I'm flying. Just the weather wasn't good. It was night. So I just landed here and just staying here for the night or whatever. So I remembered that he was a pile.

But anyway, he was the one that introduced me to Randy, my instructor that helped me with my instrument rating, even though it didn't work out. It hasn't worked out yet. I got to retake the test. I just got too fucking busy. Um, but anyway, I, you got to see this documentary. I mean, you want to talk about somebody, you know, I'll give you one little snippet of it. The guy goes on the tonight show, the record label wants him to play a song.

He doesn't want to play. He wants to play that song, songbird that he wrote. He wants to play his music. So I don't know, Johnny goes long and then I don't know what happened. I forget basically, they say you only have time for one song. So he says, fuck it. We're playing this song. And the band's like, I don't know, man, the label's going to get pissed.

And he's like, basically, don't screw me over. I'm playing this song. Just do it. So he starts playing the song. And while he's on the tonight show, oh, sorry, the lovely Nia, everybody. I know, I know, I usually do it in the garage, but I'm, I'm here. I'm in the middle of telling just one little snip. How great was the Kenny G documentary?

Oh my God. So good. Yeah. So the guys on the tonight show, which you got, you got to understand this guy used to get like a 30 share like essentially a third of the friggin houses in America were watching it. So if you bombed, you were finished. What's up, buddy?

You going to bed? Can you say bye-bye? Say bye-bye. Shake in your head. No. Can you say bye-bye? Can you say cool? Say bye-bye.

He's just waving. Can you say da-da? All right. Love you, buddy. Bye-bye. Bye, buddy. I'll see you in the morning. It's hilarious.

So Kenny says, fucking, I'm playing my song. So he starts playing the song. The crowd's listening. And I guess the guy that, you know, was booked into the night show. Didn't want Kenny to play it. He was pissed. And he was making all these hand gestures for him to stop playing it or whatever. Allegedly, maybe even like on the slide, giving him the finger or whatever.

And the fact that he could plow through that and still just play his song. And then the big thing is that it turns out to be this huge hit. So a lot of the documentary. Was really inspiring because, you know, I've, you people know, if you go to do anything, put a little addition on your house, the fucking Boo Birds come out. Really? You know, is it going to be up to code? You're going to get a permit?

I don't know, man. I heard them things leak. You know, just people just start shitting on you and shitting on you. You know, people just start shitting on you and shitting on you. You know, just people just start shitting on you and shitting on you and shitting on you. And this guy just fucking plows through all of it and gets to where he's at. It's just, it's a fucking phenomenal.

It's just a phenomenal documentary at how people react to other people's success, how to handle success, how ridiculously obsessed people can become with somebody good or bad, you know, in a good way or a bad way. I mean, it was just was fucking fascinating. You got to check it out. You got to check it out. So I don't even know where we watched it. And he has the course found that one.

She's like, you want to watch this shit? I'm like, absolutely. So anyway, I'm going to be in Phoenix, Arizona. Thursday, today, I'm going to be out there. And what I usually, I only done it one time. Every time I go to Arizona, I go, you know, I'm going to do that camelback mountain hike. I only did it one time, a long time ago. And it was a bad, it was a big mistake, big fucking mistake.

I was not in the shape I needed to be. And I had to do two shows that night at the improv, the old Tempe improv and Jesus Christ. It wasn't even the ascent. It was coming back with my legs. I felt like, you know, reminded me way back in the day when I actually went skiing. I used to go skiing and that, you know, when you always think you got one more run in you, and you don't realize that your legs are spaghetti and you get off the chair lift and basically fall back down the mountain.

At least I did. It was like one of those things. So, but anyway, I had a great, great couple of days off and I actually went flying the other day. And there's nothing better than flying LA the day after it rains. It is absolutely gorgeous. And I am convinced that those are the days when people go up in helicopters and they take pictures for postcards to try to get tourists to come out here. Because that's the day when you can see like downtown LA with the snow covered mountain in the background.

It's fucking amazing. So, me and a buddy, mine went flying and I was like, let's go, let's go on the backside of the San Gabriel's. That's out like, you know, I wanted to fly out towards Victorville, like the beginning of the Mojave Desert and everything. And we flew out that way. And, you know, there was all of these clouds literally touching the top of the San Gabriel mountains in certain areas. You know, so we obviously stayed away from that because we can't fly into the clouds. But then there's also, you know, showing that there's a lifting force, the big cumulus clouds and all that.

So we thought it was going to be a little bumpy, but we stayed away from the hills and we were fine. And just flew all the way out there. And I got to tell you, I kind of love flying out there because there's nobody out there. And then also, if you have an engine failure, I jokingly said, I said, hey, if I quit, where would you put it? And he just laughed because you put it anywhere. Where like, you know, when you fly the LA Basin, you know, you're picking a road or some fucking field or some shit. Usually a street, like, you always think you can fit into the field, but I don't know how the fuck you do that. It always seems too small to me.

And there's always trees around it. And then you'd have to come in steep. It just just looks like it would be bad. So we anyway, we flew out there, ended up flying to this airport called Victorville or in Victorville, I should say. And as we came in, landed on the runway one seven. And as we were coming in, I just see all of these jumbo jets jumbo jumbo jets just parked. I guess they were all timed out and they're just sitting there. And I'm telling you, man, there must have been 30, 40, 50 of those things.

FedEx planes, Qantas and United airplanes just sitting there. I actually took a video of it. I might post it on my Instagram. It was pretty fucking wild. And I was just thinking like, what do they do with those things? I kind of became kind of like obsessed with that. And a buddy of mine just sent, there's a documentary this guy made of visiting those jumbo jet graveyards that I'm going to watch tonight. Let me see if I can get the name of it for you now that I might have piqued your interest here.

Let me see what this fucking thing is here. I'm singing chips. The fuck is it? Come on, man. Oh, there it is. The perverts guide to ideology abandoned planes in Mojave Desert. Oh, so that's literally where I was at. I got to watch this.

It's on YouTube. Check that out if you get a chance. So anyway, I'd like to address some of these buffalo bills fans. You know, I got a couple of kids, so I haven't been looking at the standings. The level of shit that you guys have been talking and evidently you have the same record as the Patriots. I don't understand this, especially with the track record of your franchise. I don't understand where this confidence is coming from. We've played each other twice.

We won the first one. You won the second one. You're nine and six. You're nine and six or whatever the fuck we are. Like, I just don't understand. There's two games left. What if you lose the next two games and we go one in one and we win the next two games? Then what happens?

For the life of me, I just don't understand the world of shit talkers, you know? It's weird because they lose a lot, but maybe they just keep their confidence up. Yeah, I don't understand. And also like the level of celebration over a fucking regular season win. It's like, all right, you know, okay. All right. I guess something happened. I mean, you won a huge game and I love the way you guys came in and you fucking took a tourist,

but like, you know, I wouldn't break all the tables out there just yet. Bill, why are you being a killjoy? They haven't had anything to fucking cheer about since fucking Jim Kelly left. All right, fair enough. Fair enough. I just don't like, you know, I'm fucking, I guess I tease him a little bit. I don't actually like the bills. I'd like the bills going back to OJ.

You know, way back in the day, Joe Cribs, Joe Ferguson, Joe DeLamulier. I was a fan. Fred Smirlis from Massachusetts, by the way, I believe, at least it went to BC. I was a fan. I don't know what happened. It just, I don't know. They're real. I don't know.

Maybe it's the weather. It's fucking, I don't know. You know, every town has sports fans like that. Maybe that's what it is. Anyways, old Billy fucking woodshed, though, has been going around the stone around town, putting together his new hour, putting it together. And I have a whole mismatch of funny, unconnected, silly shit. And I did two shows Monday.

I did one last night and I'm going to keep working it out in Phoenix. And I think I'm going to have this hour together sooner rather than later. And yeah, and then I'll be ready for my tour, the brand new hour, and then I can put out the fucking Red Rock sink. That is the plan. That is the plan, man. So we shall see. We shall see what's happening.

Been playing a little bit of drums. You know, got back into like listening to like Miles Davis. Like you put out like four albums in the 50s. It was like cooking with Miles, relaxing with Miles, chilling with Miles, fucking put your feet up with Miles. And I was never able to get through the records. I could just never get through them because I just, you know, my fucking hair metal background, I trying to listen to it and shit.

And I went back and I was listening to him today and I really liked that relaxing with Miles one. And I don't know. I was just more into his, the shit he did in the 60s, you know, that four and more album in a silent way. I'll tell you, you know, it's a fucking great album that got shit all over that he has is that on the corner. Fucking crazy album.

And then you got so shit on it. I think he's like, just, I think it was the last album he put out for a while to like two, two in the early 80s, like a complete album. Then I was reading today, he like retired from music in like 1975. I'm fascinated with retiring. I'm not going to lie to you. I just am. Like I went like after.

There's no, you can't, you can still have to do shit. You have to do, you got to get a hobby. Then you're doing that. You have to do something. You just be bored out of your fucking mind. But there is just something. If you just had enough money to keep the lights on and get a sandwich every day. Can you imagine how fucking amazing that would be?

Cause I always find this, this time of year is fucking depressing where it's just like, you get all this shit for Christmas. There's all these empty boxes and you're filling up your recycling bin. You're going out there, you try to mash it down and sneak around to your neighbors, but theirs is filled up too. You're just like, what the fuck are we doing? Yeah, please don't leave on this. Where are you going?

You just came walking in, huh? Oh, he's crying cause he can hear me. Oh shit. All right, my fault. My fault. I'll go into the closet. Oh, you've been in the closet for years, huh? All right.

Do I have the ability to do anything that isn't loud in life? Do I have the ability to not disturb people? Oh shit. This just took me back. This took me back to when I was young. I'm in the closet right now that the fucking lights are out. I forgot to put it on. I had a teacher do that to me one time.

Long fucking time ago, I had a teacher fucking stick me. I was being a wise ass in class and this guy, he had some commitments, extracurricular commitments to oversee. I don't get anybody in trouble here. He had some extracurricular commitments after school that took like an hour. And he wanted me to stay after school but he couldn't let the other kids down. So he had a windowless room with the closet door and he fucking locked me in there. For like an hour.

And I was such a dumb fuck. I could have demanded an A in that class. If I knew how, if I understood what blackmail was, that could have been a fire. But yeah, it was actually kind of funny. And I remember telling all my friends the next day and they were all laughing their ass off and then I was loving it because I was getting laughs and I didn't give a shit, you know? But if I was like today's kids, I would have been in touch with my feelings and been like I just, I thought you're there to help me grow and blossom as a person

and I would have got all fucking upset about it. Instead, I was, you know, walled off with my emotions. You know, I had never died in a fire at that point in my life so I wasn't, that wasn't on the table for me even thinking about that. So it was actually, the whole thing was kind of funny. Ah, shit. You know, I remember a long time ago, Jesus, almost 30 years ago, whenever I first started doing stand-up, right?

I ran into this, I ran into this guy I used to work with and I was like, hey man, they started talking and he's looking at me like, who the fuck, he had no fucking idea. I worked with this guy for like two straight years and he had no fucking idea who I was, no fucking idea who I was. And then I remember like 15 years later, I was finally selling tickets and everything and he came out to my show and he was like, hey man! Oh my god.

Ah, I fucking burst it out laughing. I was like, what's up? How you doing? I just fucking laughed. Shit is fucking hilarious. Hilarious, yeah, so anyways, yeah, that dude, yeah man, there was all kinds of shit like that when I was fucking coming up that just fucking happened that the teachers just could just, you know,

they kept you in line back then. I'm just thinking now, if you did that today, that would be on NBC nightly fucking news. It would be considered that important and no one would ever ask what did the fucking wise ass little shit do in class, you know? Even if he was a little ginger like me, they still would give a shit. It's fucking amazing. It's fucking amazing how much people care about other people nowadays, you know,

while ignoring that we're all filling up our recycling bins now. You know, this is the blue one. This is for recycling. It's all going in the ocean. When was the last time you bought something out of something that was recycled? I think I got one toy this year. One toy, one relative got it. Actually it was a helicopter, it was cool. It was made out of old recycled milk cartons.

And I was like, well, that's fucking cool. There's a ray of light which this podcast has not been. Jesus Christ, I'm shitting on Bill's fans. What else, retirement, suicide. I'm sorry. Let me fucking bring it around here. Bring it around to a sunshiny place. I will tell you though, writing a whole new hour stand up is one of my favorite fucking things in the world to do.

Just going up there and just fucking bombing and just saying ridiculous, some of the shit I said. I said the other night, I was sick of seeing regular women with designer bags. It was like, what? I don't even know why I said it. And then I just had to go with it like I believed it. Like I actually cared.

It was like the most fun three minutes of that day other than playing with my kids. Which by the way has been a blast man. I got my daughter this electric car that she can drive around the driveway. It's a little two-seater. The thing is fucking hilarious. So she's driving my son around.

He's all excited. There's little seatbelts. It's got little lights on and stuff. It is fucking incredible. I'm looking at that thing. If they fucking had one of those things when I was a kid, it was incredible. But anyway, you actually really learn how to drive. She's learning that when you go to back up,

you got to cut the wheel. I don't have the biggest driveway. So at first I thought that that was going to be a bad thing because you couldn't just cruise up and down the driveway. I got a small driveway. But now I'm realizing it's actually kind of a good thing because she's actually learning how to drive. But she loves it.

And of course this is the time of year that it rains. So she hasn't been able to drive. She's going, Dad, do you want to go outside and watch me drive my car? I want to drive my car. It's fucking adorable. So anyway, it's New Year's coming up people. What are you doing?

What are your New Year's resolutions? I'm going to finally lose this last eight pounds of the 20 that I put on. I got to finally just knock it out. It's funny. I gave away all my cigars to the troops. I hope they got to you guys. But then I've just been going out to cigar bars and buying them.

But I'm just buying sort of one and two at a time. But I think I'm still smoking as much as I ever did. It's stupid. I just got to lay off it. But that's going to happen after the New Year. I'm going to smoke way less cigars. However, however, I am going to the Rose Bowl as always. But this year we're not going to the game.

I think we finally realized after going to 10 straight Rose Bowls that what we really enjoy is the tailgate. And we're always bummed out when the game always comes to, we get there like seven in the morning. I pass out by 10. I wake up at noon and then we have to fuck. That happens every year. And I just don't pace myself.

I just get so fucking excited. But the last couple I've been sober. So, yeah. I don't know what I've been doing. Oh, wait, no. The last two New Year's I've been sober, but only one of them I could go to the game because of COVID last year.

That's it. All right. There we go. So we're just going to go there. We're going to throw the ball around, maybe get a little generator going, watch some of the bowl games, hang out, eat some food.

Just have a great time. And while the game's going, we're going to fucking leave. Like I did a few years ago because I remember doing that when my wife was pregnant with my daughter and she could have the kid at any point. And she told me, she goes, all right, now don't go there and get all fucked up at the tailgate. Because God forbid I go into labor, then what?

I go, okay, honey. And I go there, right? And everybody's doing shots. And I say to myself, all right, I'm just going to do one. So I do one shot. And immediately I'm like, Frank, the tank, you know. It feels so good when it touches your lips, you know. So I proceed to get mildly fucked up.

And I keep checking in with her, you know, I'll have like a shot in my hand. I'm going, how are you doing? Anything going on? No, all good. I'm like, all right. And then I would do like another shot. It was so stupid, so stupid and fucking irresponsible, whatever.

But that one ended up leaving the game early. I remember it actually felt good to just not sit in the traffic. I wasn't as fucked up. And I think that that's, I don't know, it started to click. Like maybe you should go a little easier and not go so fucking hard. So, you know, I've been fucking stone sober since I tried mushrooms for the one and only time back in February. And I don't know, I think I'm going to just keep doing this shit. I think maybe every once in a while, if the timing is right,

if I have an extra day on the road or something, or maybe like one of those therapy things I would do like a mushroom thing again. But other than that, I think I'm like fucking good. Although, you know when the toughest one is the toughest one is when I'm all, if I take like a vacation with my wife, that's a hard one, you know, to not have a couple of drinks or something like that. I mean, what the fuck? But I know why, I know why, because then it always ends up,

then it's just something I have to fucking quit again, which I don't want to fucking deal with. Jesus Christ. All right. So this is me in a dark closet flashing back to a younger time in my life. This is the, been the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday, morning podcast. We have the segment that everybody's been loving with Paul Verzi,

the bed MGM segment. I'm going to let you know, because we didn't do anything better podcast this week. We did like a 40 minute thing talking about the NFL and honoring the great John Madden. If you thought for some reason, I forgot to bring literally just the absolute king. He just on all levels absolutely was the best. He just looked like, he looked like us. He looked like a football fan. He played football.

He loved football, you know, the way he didn't. He never looked right in a sport coat. He just looked like he should be standing around a hibachi, just talking about the game and everything. And I don't want to repeat anything that I said in the podcast, but we give him a respectful send off. I mean, Jesus, that's just an absolute giant who's no longer with us. And if you are a football fan, a fan of the NFL,

you are a more knowledgeable fan because of that great man. All right, that is it. Enjoy. Here's the bed MGM segment. What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast NFL preview edition for week number set will going into week 17. We will go over week 16. But first we can't believe it's 17.

Paul, where does it go? It's over. It's fucking over. Got to thank our sponsor, the best sponsor in the game with betting, the most reliable betting betting app there is out there, which is bet MGM guys. As you know, the anything better podcast is teamed up with bet MGM at the beginning of the season. We'll be using all of their lines to make our picks.

We'll have special offers for our listeners each week. If you haven't signed up to bet MGM yet use a bonus code burr, B U R R and you'll get $200 free after placing your first $10 bet. What would smack the rules for free 200 bones. Here's how it works. You download the bet MGM app to sign up using bonus code burr. That's B U R R very, very easy. You place your first $10 money line bet on any NFL game that there is,

you'll receive $200 and free bets immediately after placing your bet, regardless of the outcome. I'm going to say that again, regardless if you shit the bed and you make a awful prediction, you're still fine. All right. That's unheard of. So it doesn't matter the outcome. Just make sure you use bonus code burr B U R R when you sign up.

Now going into week 16, Bill and I somehow survived this COVID shit storm and we ended up no harm, no foul, but nobody gained any ground, both going two and two. Hey, Bill, how wrong was I about that charging game? I was no pissed. I was like, Oh man, why did I say I'm taking the jets first? And the jets end up not covered.

They ended up losing. Dude, I, I, I swear to God, I can't, I just can't 100% blame COVID man. I kind of, I've lost the angles, Paul. And you know what? I'd let you hang around and I got no one to blame it myself. I am one bad week away from just, you know, fumbling the fucking extra point snap here. Well, listen,

I'm one week away from losing it and you're one week, good week away from a title. Speaking of which, after, after the week, okay, after all of these weeks, Bill's record is 35, 28 and one against the spread. My record is, I mean, I'm sorry, 35, 28 and one minus 34 and 30. So Bill is five and a half games beat in the book on four games beating the book, which means the anything better podcast has made you people money.

Let's call a spade. Let's call it. What would tell you to do and you put even money on everything. And with the juice that probably still getting you, but you're telling me that they're doing it better on the network. Then somebody has on a sport code and they used to play the game. Doesn't mean they don't have to gamble, Paul. That's right.

Speaking of which we found, I found the perfect meme. I said to Paul that if he's never gambled before and you want to know what it's like to have money on a game. All right. This video is the difference between the first half and the second half betting on a football game. Here it is right here. You got to start from the beginning.

You got to say, I love, I love the wave. Oh my God. I'm up 14 seven interception. Fuck. I told you. I told you both. Sorry. I was wrong.

Dude, that was you in October right here. When you get ready to start high stepping and then I came back and then December, I thought I had you. I'm like, first he's going down again. Oh, and four. Dude, he's lucky. He didn't go under that fucking thing and get killed. Oh my God.

That's brutal. I mean, I don't even know. Can you imagine? I'm going to see the rest of the video. I just want to figure out who was the person that got in and stopped that thing. Watch his hat. Watch his hat in his head.

That's the difference between dating a woman and marrying her. Dude, she lost me. She's always lost. She would never fuck me over. I swear. She's going, you know. Oh, all right, man. We're going into week 17 bill.

We are starting the fourth quarter of the NFL season. And it's pretty nuts. It's an odd week, which means I get the first pick. And I had literally two minutes to look at these. And boy, these are good. Good. These are tough, dude, because some teams need it. Other teams.

You don't know if they're going for a draft. If you ever watched the season of football. Yeah. Where there's been more teams. They're split split split split split split split split split. Yeah. Where there's been more teams. This flip flopping where they just look like they're on a run.

Yeah. I mean, it's the season's so long now it's becoming like basketball where it teams up 12. And then the other team goes on a 15 to run. It's unreal. The buffalo bills. Yeah. Look like world beaters look like they were shit in the bed.

And now they're kind of back. What I actually got to tell you something, all those bill fans, I don't know what they're so fucking excited about. They're just tied with us. We both went one and one. So what is the big thing? There's two games left. And God knows if there's two games left and you can shit the bed.

I mean, that's pretty much that's that's their motto out there. So they're celebrating a little too early. Having said that, I do, I do like the bills. Well, yeah. And then you could also look at what the chiefs are doing because the chiefs seem like they're back, but I still don't like them against the good defense in the playoffs. There's so many teams like that. All right.

What do you got Paul? Who are you coming out with? You know, I, I dude, I got to be honest with you. I feel like I'm flipping a coin with some of these games. Some of these lines are high. I think they're ridiculously high. Yeah. Do 12 and a half, 14 and a half, seven and a half. It looks like college spreads in September. The bills, 14 and a half just scares the shit out of me.

Yeah. And who the fuck is Atlanta? One week that beating Tom Brady fucking ears. The next week they're fucking getting smoked by it. I don't like Carolina or something fucking saints are the same way too. Dude, the dolphins Titans game is the hardest game for me to pick. I just honestly don't know. All right, dude. Here it goes.

Here it goes. My first pick going into this week. I got to see if they're for real. I'm going to take, I'm going to take the Tennessee Titans over to Miami Dolphins, even though Miami's won like eight in a row. I got to see it. It's like, it's like, when somebody sit is bluffing with the poker hand and they're throwing

the chips and I got to see it. So I got to see if the Titans could do it. So I'm taking Tennessee at home. To stifle the hottest team in football could be the dumbest pick of the year. I don't know. I'm just, I'm going with the Titans at home. I mean, they've won eight in a row. They are the dolphins.

And I think Mike Gravel's a great coach. Is that in Miami? No. Hey, you know, you never know. All right. I'm, I'm buying in on two things. I'm buying in that the Cowboys are legit. And I'm buying in that Arizona is finished.

I bet on Arizona the whole fucking year and they've been great. And then lately, I don't know what's going on. They got injuries. They got COVID. They got sunstroke. I don't know what their deal is. The Phoenix coyotes are thinking of moving. There's a whole bunch of turmoil going on. And I'm going to be there on Thursday.

So I think that all goes in. It's only five and a half. I'm buying it. I'm taking the Cowboys lay in five and a half. I'm buying it. I'm buying it. I'm buying it. I'm buying it.

I'm buying it. Oh, Bill, you thought about that one and you're going to be there. I like it. I like the pick. I'm not going to be at the game. I'm just, I'm going in. Why time to sing airs. I was there Thursday. I had two shows. I hope you made it.

I'm going to take. After a, after an embarrassment. Against the Houston Texans. The Texans beat the shit out of them like 40 something to 20 something. Now the chargers come home minus six and a half. I think they'll beat the Broncos by a touchdown. Teddy Bridgewater is out and the chargers need to bounce back.

So I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it.

I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it.

But then, I'll take it and and and and, the chargers need to bounce back. So I'll take the chargers to win by a touchdown against the Broncos. Oh, I might blow this whole thing. This week, Bill, No, I don't know.

I can't find my pics here. I got on. Oh, boy, Oh, boy, It's Christ is because of. I fucking Oh, I know.

I'm taking. I'm taking the cults. That running game and Carson when scores points. I wanted that one. I got the code. I wanted that game. Hey, Paul, last week, I wanted the charges. I think two weeks before I wanted another game that you picked.

And they were picking eight games. It's going to happen. We're picking eight games of fucking week here. So. Paul Versey uncharacteristically. Unsure of himself. This could be the week you go for an O. This could be the week I go on for just fucking ended.

I'm going with Joe Burrow. And the Cincinnati bangles plus five and a half against the chiefs at home. They're flying high. The kid just threw 500 and something yards. I think the bangles need to really make a statement if they're for real this year and this is the game to do it. I think even if the, uh, if Cincinnati loses,

I think they lose by less than five and a half. I'm taking sincey at home. Joe burrows going to be smoking a cigar after that game, just like he did when LSU won a championship against Clemson. I was at that game right before the COVID came. Oh, I am scared. Oh, I'm scared. All right.

I'm going with the team that for some reason, nobody believes in, but I believe in them. I'm going with the Seattle Seahawks. Playing the fucking lions. Wow. At home. I like that game. A game that doesn't matter.

He's going with, I was thinking of one of those games. It doesn't, it does matter. Pete Carroll is going to have to sell his home with the grotto in the game. He's going to have to sell his home. He's going to have to sell his home. He's going to have to sell his home up there in Seattle. If they don't get a victory.

All right. I'm looking for Pete Carroll to be going. Woo. Like Rick flair. Like he does all the time after they score a touchdown. Russell Wilson. I still believe. Okay.

If, if, if Russell Wilson played in New York city, Paul. Come on. He's out there in Seattle, just crushing it. And his, his expression. Drop it down the bucket. Now everybody say, Paul was sweet-talking about this. I'm not a bad guy.

I was, I was a good guy. But he's not, I'm not. He's just very bad. He's very, very good. He's bad, but he did. I marked that. He's the guy who doesn't.

Um, dude Russ. I mean, Pete Carroll's going to have the FBI show up to his house for tax evasion. It's going to run out the back door. You can't get him. He's like a great comic book villain. There's always room for a sequel.

He's the dock. He's the dock. I mean, I'm not there for tax evasion. I'm kidding. Um, dude, he tried to teach he literally, you know the end of Fargo. When will he mate?

He tries to go out the window. He did that at USC and got out. Yeah. What's the, what was the movie with? What was the movie with the dude Tim Robbins? What was it? Shaw Shenka. Right.

And just Southern East to get to Seattle. Dude, I think everything he did there, they took away. They did everything but tear up the field. Take the band uniforms. Uh, I spent trophies champion chips. It was jobs. It was something Paul. He didn't do what the warden did the warden just off himself when he saw the cops coming.

Um, he was like, ah, what's it going to matter? It's Taysom Hill playing because if Taysom Hill is playing, the Saints are going to beat the Panthers at home. I'm going to, I'm going to pet you right now, Paul. There's not another person in this, in this country named Taysom. It's got to be, it's got to be some Southern shit. And I'm not talking about somebody named after him.

That's a very hard thing to do to come up with a name that nobody can come up with. And it's not like an asshole name because that's a cool name. Like, you know, like these Hollywood celebrities, they named their kid like butter. Apple. As of now, he's not, as of now, he's not playing. You know what game is, you know what game is interesting?

You should have said intriguing Paul, you're touching your chin. Your game is intriguing. I'm going to take the Pitchfork Steelers. I know it's stupid, but I'm going to take the Pitchfork Steelers after being so embarrassed at home. I mean, December, Paul, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. I love that he lost last week and got embarrassed. You think Ben's going to sit there and take big, big Ben is the John

Wayne, the modern day John Wayne. Just shaking stuff off, people bounce off them. They're getting three points at home. They got embarrassed on national television. Bad against the Chiefs. I'm going to take big Ben, which could be his second to last game ever. His last, is it his last game home?

It might be his last game home. That guy is a throwback. That guy is a 1970, I'll tell you, he's a 1970s football player and that Adamica Sue should have been playing in the 1960s with Sam Huff and Dick Butkus. Stepping on guys and you could do all of that if you watched those old NFL films that just guys playing in the wrong era. I love both of them.

I just think that the coach and him have too much pride to go out like the way they did last week and then come home and do it, do it again. So I'm going to take them getting three at home. I got to tell you, out of all the weeks we've been doing this, this is the one, it might be because it's coming down to the end. This is the one that scares me. This is the one that scares me, but we'll see.

I've already given into the fact that this ain't my year. So I'm just shooting from the hip here. And that's why I think for the first time this season, I'm going to go with the monsters of the midway. Against your New York football giants. I have a lot of respect. I waited to the end to see if you wanted that game. No, you didn't take it.

I know you can't bet against your own team. So Paul Verze still is competitive as he is. The man has a good heart. He cannot bet against. I mean, last week I wanted to take the bills. I just had a feeling about that game. We both laid off that. Yeah.

I just, I was like, you know, I got it. I got it. Now also, I got to tell you. As much as I hate that we lost, I loved how the bills came out in that first drive. They just rammed it right down our throat. And then, and they, they were like, they came to play and they needed,

that was one of the biggest games the bills have had. Since probably the Jim Kelly era. Oh, they went in and they, they took the game, but I was also happy that we came back. But you got to respect how the bills came in and play. Well, speaking of respect, and I'm glad I thought of this. We have no choice on this show, but to pay tribute to the unbelievable life of John Madden.

John Madden's voice was literally like, you know, the way they say nobody's bigger than the game, he is the one guy, like somebody said on Twitter, John Madden is football. And dude, you know what he said? I saw something today, the game you guys beat us. I don't know if you saw this on Twitter, the game you guys beat us in week 16 to go 16 and no,

when Coughlin decided to not lay down and really play you guys. And you guys, I was at that game. I told you about that game where Moss was, he broke the record to Moss and you guys won 38, 35. We made one mistake. You guys made none. It was, it was nuts. Madden called Coughlin and they played the voicemail today. And he goes, he got, he goes, I don't mean to get emotional.

He goes, but the fact that you didn't lay down. And like, cause they, cause the Giants had made the playoffs and there was a question, if the Giants were going to rest starters going into Tampa Bay and Coughlin goes, let's try to stop this streak. And Madden had called him and said, you just, it was like good for football. You did good for football. And then he goes, I don't remember seeing the Colts,

the Colts rest in players and they took their foot off the gas and it just, you got to just keep going. You got to keep going. I actually went to two Super Bowls that John Madden and Pat Summerall, the greatest announcing team I ever heard. They called both games that went when we lost to the Packers and Brett Favre and when we won against the Rams in 2001. And I got like, I remember, you know,

going back because I went to the game and I would tape it and watch it afterwards. I remember going back and watching the loss and just thinking, is John Madden ever going to be able to say that, you know, the Patriots won one. And when I was at that game and the Patriots kicked it and won it, the thing that was on, I was so freaked out about, cause this is back in the days of VCRs, did my VCR tape.

Cause I want to hear what he's saying about finally John Madden with all of his knowledge is going to say something great about you know, our team. But that guy just like, dude, the guy won a hundred games, seven division titles in a Super Bowl in seven years with the Raiders. He put them on the map. He's the whole commitment to excellence. He's right there with Al Davis.

I mean, the guy, what he did for offensive linemen, he got me to start watching offensive linemen and realize how cool that was and just not think that just, you know, really cool people are the ones with the ball or the guy's stopping the person with the ball, him diagramming the plays. It was like, I just, and he just, he loved like being a Raider. He loved people that had, you know, crazy personalities. And I don't know, I saw something this morning, you know,

I was at the gym and I, the sound was down. I saw it was John Madden, Ken Stabler. And then there was another John Madden and Jack Tatum. And I was just, man, all of those guys are gone now. I just cannot believe how much time has gone by. And how crazy is it that they, they, they finally did this epic documentary on him. It was perfect.

It was perfect. And they just summed them up. He got to say what he said. He got to thank everybody. He got to realize what he meant to everybody. And then he just dies in natural causes basically in his sleep, no long-term illness or anything. A big guy like that.

Living to 85, eating whatever the hell he wanted to eat. I mean, that guy lived one of the charmed lives. Lives I've, I've ever seen his kids love him. You know, got into the hall of fame and he did. Al Davis was still alive. The turkey legs, the all Madden team. You see that in the documentary, they were sitting out, guys would get it more upset, you know,

that they didn't make him the all Madden team. Cause he was saying, you know, being on the all Madden team meant you were a man. He played the game the way he was supposed to play. It wasn't just stats or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, it's, I don't know. It sucks, but I don't know.

I'm kind of, he deserved to go out the way he went out. With an epic documentary and no illness. And just going peacefully like that. It's amazing that he, yeah, I agree, but it's amazing that they just did that documentary and you see him sitting on the couch watching it and smiling. And then he just kind of just was like, just goes off and in his sleep. It's like a beautiful life.

It's this amazing thing. And the end of Joe Pesci's acting career and the Irishman, he literally waves goodbye. It's amazing. I saw in real time, I was like, that is the perfect ending to an acting career I've ever seen. John Madden one up them with the perfect ending to a life. There's another thing too.

I love about that guy is he could take a compliment. He wasn't all fidgeting when people were saying great stuff about him. He just had a big smile on his, just seemed like the warmest guy. Hey, do you know what, you know, Joe Bartnick met him one time. I'm going to tell the Bartnick story. Oh, wow. He was going into radio or somewhere near a stadium and John Madden came out.

So he was walking out. They're like, oh my God, John Madden, John Madden. He was kind of like, yeah, hey, hey, hey, like who are these lunatics? And Bartnick goes, hey, he goes today is the greatest day of your life. But only if you win. He said his Super Bowl speech and the guy just stopped and he was like, oh, hey fellas. And then he just sat and actually talked to him.

But Bartnick got to, you know, you got it. Yes. He's just like, all right, I know I'm famous. I do the life here for Miller and stuff. And Bartnick got him with quoting a deep cut. Yeah. A side B. I had the, I want to say something about John Madden after,

but you got to hit something that's different when you see a guy like that. And I did the same thing with Mariana Rivera. He was outside Yankee Stadium. He was on a suit. They were getting on a bus to go to one of the pitchers birthday parties. Everyone's young mo, mo, blah, blah, blah. He's doing the whole typical really nice waving, but really not looking at anybody and he's doing everything.

He's just looking all, you know, he was really thin actually for, for what he did and how hard he threw. And I just, everyone's yelling stuff and I just go greatest ever dude. And he just stopped and he just looked and he just gave this thing. And it was like, that was it. And when you do that to them, like when you hit the cord that they want to be hit, but the thing about Madden was you said you wanted to hear him say

something about the Patriots or what, what, what it was finally going to say when your team won. He never was biased against a team. He was opposite of Tim McCarver. Tim McCarver hated the Yankees. He hated the fucking Reds. Like every team that caught him, he had this thing when he called the games and you could feel it.

Madden was always like complimentary. He was always like, this guy is great. When he puts his head down, he's great. This coach is great. This organization deserve this. That's my kind of player. Positive.

He's got sweaty blood. He's got snot hanging on him. He's a big guy, boom. And then he would go, boom. He's a big guy, boom. And he would, he always, he goes, it's not a, it's not a hit or it's not a crash. He goes, it's boom.

But anyway, man, um, and the video games growing up, I'm growing up. That's the one game still to this day. I'll go to a friend's house. But hey, man, you want to go, go Madden. And, um, just the guy was football. So yes. And the, you know, it's crazy.

He's the guy that I got that kicked the field goal. You take the points and it's like, I'm listening to a Hall of Fame coach and blah, blah, blah. But in 2001, when I went back and I listened to that playback, when the Patriots didn't lay down and just played for the, the overtime, he said on the mic, he goes, I don't agree with this. And then he watched basically the beginning of the break.

The beginning of the Brady legend. And then he said a couple of plays later, he said, what, either said what the Patriots or what Brady is doing right now is giving me the chills. And then Adam Vinitari, is there a field goal? Did Jan Stenerud make it in? If there's not a field goal kicker in the Hall of Fame, Adam Vinitari, not only should be in the Hall of Fame,

should be a first ballot Hall of Famer. Wait, what did Madden not agree with? What did he say I don't agree with? He thought that we should have just taken a knee and gone and played in overtime. Because he thought that they're going to be slinging the ball, you're risking a turnover. And you know, it was a real, like Madden was just after that

three yards in a cloud of dust era of football before United's and the Colts opened it up. You know, Paul Brown and Otto Graham with Lou the Toe Broza were all like, they were throwing the ball. They, they blew the Toe Broza offensive lineman, kicked it straight on. I remember that. Yeah, he was the one, you know,

and they were trying to figure out why Paul Brown was so successful. Like they didn't take the kicking game seriously. And he did. And he'd get three here, he'd get three there, he'd get three there next, you know, he got it next to nine points and you lose by two or whatever. Does the field goal exist anymore, Bill? Because you're getting me all excited now

because I've been texting everybody. The field goal exists because what's it called? The one team went forward in the red zone on fourth down five times and fucking lost the game. Nobody takes points from the 20 yard line when they're fucking right there. It's just, it's crazy. I feel like it's crazy.

I feel like the fans enjoy watching you go for it on fourth down and not making it more than they enjoy a field goal. So you'd almost don't get called out on it. But I'll tell you, like, you know, last week, the bills went right down. It was fourth and two, fourth and goal, right? Two yards away from the goal line. And they went for it.

And I was like, this is the dumbest fucking call. Just get the points. But then they made it. And it's like, so they combined, they combined coming out, ramming it down our throats. Fourth and two, we believe in ourselves and they scored the touchdown. And then the very next drive, we were like fourth, fourth

and whatever, a couple of yards on our own 50, down seven and nothing. After a very impressive drive, we went for it, ran a sweep and we got it. So, I mean, I don't know what the numbers are on it, but I will say the thing about it is, is, I guess if you go for it and you make it in a game like the Patriots versus the Bills, after they, they did it,

it really made sense. Cause I was, it was like, it was already deflating like, fuck man, these guys really came to play and you could just see us on our heels like, whoa, whoa, we came to play, but you guys are really playing. And the fact that they didn't go down and just do a little kick for a, and we're down three, nothing. It's sort of like a little bit of a victory after the way they

came out, the fact that they went down and scored the touchdown. I have to, you know, I agree with it in that. I mean, I don't know. It's weird to say I agree with it after I saw that it worked, but like, I'm still not sold on, if you didn't get it, the momentum switch of that. I think going forward it down your throat and then we stop you

on the goal line and now we have the momentum. I don't know. It's a big risk. One thing I want to add about, oh, go ahead. Sorry, Paul. No, no, go ahead. What were you saying? One thing I just want to add about the Madden game.

It's an interesting fact. And I read this Joe Pompliano, who's a great sports writer. Good follow on Twitter. He said, after being turned down by Joe Montana, EA Sports approached John Madden in 1982 with the idea of creating a video game. Skeptical at first, Madden eventually agreed as he saw it as a way to educate fans on the game of football.

The only problem, Madden was a perfectionist. EA Sports spent years working on a prototype only to have John Madden shut it down immediately. Upset that it was seven verse seven football and didn't integrate any of the NFL playbook. Madden made them start over seven years and many revisions later. John Madden football was released in 1988.

That's awesome. That's incredible. That's fucking awesome. When they asked Bill Walsh to write a book. He wrote this book and he just wrote it about football. And like breaking down like the cover two and all the West Coast offense and all that. And the publisher was just like, dude, we can't publish this.

He goes, well, that's the kind of book I'm writing. And it didn't sell well, but it is considered like a Bible amongst football coaches because they all go out and buy it. Here's something else about John Madden. The only other guy I saw do this were after they retired, long after they retired. His name still meant something. It was still Madden football, Madden football,

Jordan. They still put out Jordan's. There's a new Jordan's every year. The guy's been retired for 20 years. There's only two guys that were big enough that they ever did that for. So that's a great point. Yeah.

Yeah. I just, I don't know, man. That's what I mean. Bigger than the game. It's like, it's like, it's John Madden, dude. It's, it's, it's great, man. And everybody and, and on top of it all, his voice, his voice was so unique and so like you could be,

like they said, Kevin Harlan said, the guy who was actually called more Super Bowl games than anybody than Kevin Harlan right between the eyes. He said, he goes when, when somebody or somebody said when John Madden's voice was on, like on a TV and you heard it, you had to just like, when you heard John Madden's voice, he just had to watch, you know, you knew it was an important game because him and Pat did the best,

the most important game every single week. There's another thing too was he just looked like a regular guy too. He looked like the big guy at the tailgate. I remember me and my older brother used to laugh when he first got in the booth was my brother used to laugh cause, or he's on like almost on the panel on, on, on TV before the game. He would have a sport coat on with short sleeves underneath it. So like, you know, his wrists would be showing,

which was a big no-no and have a dashery back then. And he just didn't give a fuck cause he wasn't a suit. And he just, you know, I just loved the way he looked in a suit too. He looked like he didn't never wore a suit except it like Christmas, a Thanksgiving or a funeral. He just had that every, every man thing about a man. It's, I gotta be honest with you, I don't think, you know, I don't think his shoes have been filled yet.

Someone has yet to step in. They're going to have to be totally like unique cause there's been some great guys like Tony Romo might be my favorite is like Tony Romo. I think is the best football educator since John Madden came in the league where like the stuff he says before the play and it's, and it ends up being, it's like, it's like the guy's like eight seconds in the future. Yeah.

Troy Aikman I love. Joe Bob Troy Aikman. I love those guys. Tony Romo. Obviously Al Michaels and Collins is what they've been around forever. They're my favorite. They're my favorites. I think they're the, they're my favorites because they're just so like,

Chris Collins worth just sits there and he so as a matter of fact and great. And he's never shits on anybody. Like the thing we were saying with Madden, Al Michaels voice. I got to be honest, Al Michaels voice for me is really, really close to, you know, like, you know, he's the guy, you know, do you believe in miracles? But then all of those big games he's done too. So I get a good, Al Michaels makes me feel good hearing them.

I just feel good. Imagine like if you only have those verses, the rappers have verses. If you were like an announcer, you got to throw Bob Costas in the two. That guy goes back to the NBA dunking contest. Yes. All right. If Al Michaels and Bob Costas had a versus. Cause they're, they're both broadcasters, right?

Well, they weren't former athletes or that they're broadcasters. I mean, you were talking about. You're basically talking the history of American sports for the 40 plus years. Yeah. I mean, Al Michaels, if he did the 1980 Olympics, I mean, how big was that guy to get called on to do the Olympics? Yeah. It's like stepping in for John McKay at that point.

And Bob Costas goes back to the ABA, which was the early seventies. So I mean, you're talking about when he was calling those game, Wilt Chamberlain was still playing in the NBA. I mean, it's just unbelievable. Nobody wanted that game that Al Michaels called the dude, the miracles game that nobody wanted that game. That was like bottom of the totem pole young guy. Yeah, you get it.

Cause they just thought it wasn't going to be an interesting game. Cause I thought they were going to fucking Russians. We're going to roll over. And also hockey, nobody liked hockey in this freaking country. Didn't like it enough. But, uh, what was I going to say? Al Michaels is a huge hockey fan. Huge, huge, huge hockey fan. Yeah.

How would broadcasters battle? One guy's in a booth. Guy finished. No, he's at the 10. He's at the five. Oh, he's going deep. No, you got to go to this. This is a great thing to do.

The greatest calls. Yeah. Of all time. I mean, like, uh, I'm trying to think of some of the classes. Do you believe in miracles? Yes, that's, that's a top five. That might be a top three. Top three.

I'm trying to think of the, I'm going fucking blank now. Oh, oh, down goes Frazier. Down goes Frazier is a big one Frazier down goes Frazier. The ball or an Abelichek steals it. Those are the two big Celtics ones. What was the baseball one shot around the world cardinals one. When Ozzie Smith. Go crazy folks.

Go crazy. Doug Flutig called. Oh, I got one. I got one. He did it. He did it. Flutig did it. That's a great one.

Oh, it's failing. Got it. And then the other guy's going. How about this one? How about this one? Touch them all, Joe. You'll never hit a bigger home run in your life. That's when he walks off.

That's a great one. That's a good one. That is a great one. As much as I hate to say it, Joe Buck saying the curses over was pretty big. That was a pretty big one. That's a big one. Come on.

Joe Buck's voice in October. That is baseball. That's good. That is baseball. Oh, man. This is really, I know there's a bunch of huge ones that I could quote all the time. I can do the Johnny most one.

Which one would bird sells the ball? Bird steals the ball. I think it was. And I would bird steals it. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, man. And all the birds steals it over to DJ. He lays it up it in. Yeah. Oh my God. This place is going crazy. I got a list pulled up here. Number one, do you believe in miracles?

Number two. It's got the Giants win the pennant. 1951 by Russ Hodges. Oh, that's a good one. Down goes Frazier. Frazier, Howard Cassel. That's a great one. I don't believe what I just saw.

1988 Joe Buck. Oh yeah. I don't believe what I just saw. Yeah. Oh, that's another great one. Gets through Buckner. 1986 Ben Scully. Oh, there's a little bounding ball with Buckner behind the bag.

It gets through Buckner and then Mets win it. Avalcheck steals the ball. Johnny most. The band is on the field. 1982 Joe, Joe Stark. That's a great one. And the band is on the field. Yeah.

2005 Vern Lindquist. Lindquist in your life. Have you ever seen that one? Wait a minute. 2005. Which one was that? Oh, that was, that was your game. Paul USC.

Was that all? No. Wait. Is that that game? I'm guessing. Burn noise to college. All time. Jack Nick.

Oh, Jack Nick was 86 Masters. I don't know. I don't know. It's it's blacked out here. There's websites. Thanks. That's gotta be. That's gotta be Vince Young against USC, right?

That was Pete Carroll Sanchez. Reggie Bush. That was unreal, dude. That was, I got that's when Pete Carroll was in like the montage. Part of Scarface when he was at USC. Going to the bank with the money getting counted and all of that stuff. Looking at the tiger. What is fucking wedding party?

Bulletproof Porsche. He's walking around with Michelle Piper. I'm sorry. Not Sanchez. It was Matt liner. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Reggie Bush. Marv Albert 1991. A spectacular move by Michael Jordan. 1994. Oh, that was the, uh, the switch of the hands one lay up against the calves. Maybe. Yeah.

Those are Rangers. 1994. How we rose. I think he switched hands against the Lakers. Oh, I was. Okay. He switched. He switched hands against the Lakers, but, uh,

Yeah. That. You know what, dude? This, this not a lot of them. No. Hey, Andrew, you got to reach out to these guys. I want to do, we got to do a versus. We could get Al Michaels and Bob Costas to go on and just talk about,

Oh my God. Just have a list of all the greatest games and like how many of them they were at. There's. Dude. That would be nuts for them to be like, who did you, I said, they asked Kevin Harlan, who was the most impressive he ever saw. And he said, watching Jordan.

He said, it was like the guy wasn't on his feet. It was like, when you watched him without the ball, it was like he was flowing. He goes, you were watching something different. You imagine asking Costas or Al Michaels that dude with everything that they saw. Oh my God. Yeah.

I don't really know where they can categorize it. I was saying the other day. The most electric. Because I saw Jordan when he had hair, but it was a scrimmage game. At the Dean dome to get people excited. This is back in like 87, 88 to get them excited. That NBA basketball was coming.

To Charlotte with the hornets. Who later became the Bobcats. Who later became the pelicans. Um, So I saw him play. And but he only played like a half. You know, it was like a scrimmage. It wasn't a big deal.

So the most exciting person I ever saw play live. As far as just electrifying in the crowd on the edge of their seats was Michael Vic. In the Georgia dome. Pre all that dog shit. I mean, he was doing that dog shit, but nobody knew at that point. Dude, every fucking time he rolled out of the pocket,

the whole place stood up. I don't care if he was on his own two yards. I mean, It was like three steps faster than anybody else out there. Um, I've been to a zillion games and I still remember him running down zigzagging across the field and then running down the sidelines toward me.

I had like seats on like the 20 or the 30. But I was like, I'm not sure if he was on his own, but he was on his own. He was on his own. He was on his own. He was on his own. He was out of the pocket.

The whole place stood up. I don't care if he was on his own. Two yard line. And it was in a dome. If my ears were ringing when I came out of there, it was, he was, I don't know if he would have survived,

but he knew that in fact he was on his own two yards. He knew that he was on his own two yards. Oh, I never thought, I was going to be in the game after her. I, I remember seeing him a million times after he's been on his own one day after the 30,

like mezzanine or upper deck level and just seeing him coming down. Like, dude, I felt like I did leg day the next day went after going to that. He's getting up and sitting down so many times. He was a blur, man. He was a fucking blur when he ran with the ball. Yeah. He was reckless though.

He was reckoned that's that's the one thing. Yeah. When was the last time you were on your own two yards? He was on his own two yards. And then after he got out, he got a second chance and I believe the Eagles or somebody gave him another, He came back from that and got the Eagles.

It was Eagles. That's Philadelphia compared to what their fans are doing Drowning dogs. That's like a misdemeanor. Hey, Mike, welcome home. Jesus. What the fuck else who?

Oh, Man, I think the Jackson was the most I didn't get to see him live, but most Bo Jackson. Uh, pre, obviously pre the hip injury was the most explosive thing I've ever seen.

When that guy, that guy was walking nuts. That's the big trivia. I think that's the guy's name. He's the guy attack. Hello. Okay, brutal. Hey, what,

what's the best guy you ever saw live? The best guy I ever saw live. Any sport, I would say Brady. And I saw 2007 Brady. I saw, I told you this and, and for anybody listening,

I don't know if I said, I've never seen, I forgot who I told. I've never seen in my lifetime. I was at that game where you guys went 16 and 0 38 35. You guys, the place stood up for the place stood up. I want to meme of you the amount of times you said you,

this is the second time on this podcast. You said you had that game. Yeah. Yeah. So that, that game and the USC Texans are your two go-tos. You're an old man and kids say, they know about sports.

You're going to say, let me, let me tell you say it. Let me tell you something a hundred, a hundred percent, but giant stadiums stood up all, but three plays. I remember everybody three plays. People said that everybody stood up,

but I'll never forget Brady walking to the line of scrimmage with moss and all that 70,000 people standing up screaming yelling. And he looked, they looked like they were in a fucking at their practice facility. That's how calm. I've never seen anything like it. He walked up people. Yeah.

And I was just like, oh dude, this was a, they were a machine dude. And it was when he broke the record for most touchdown passes. I would think that a guy that won that many Super Bowls, I would say that that's the greatest as far as, I mean, I saw him on, I saw Marino. I saw Marino play. Yeah.

I saw Marino. I saw him a couple of times coming into Fox pro stadium, kicking her ass. I got one point. Then we got to wrap this up here. Cause this is, we're literally doing a podcast here. We got to do the Monday night special too. So we got to run.

All right. No, the, I'd say one of the best performances I saw at a game that I wasn't at was Lawrence Taylor. They showed the game during the Madden documentary where Madden was saying, I never thought one defensive player could take over a game and win it. And Lawrence Taylor did. And I remember,

I remember that interception. And I remember when he caught it, that he was going to go all the way. And I was so into football cards. I remember thinking like, I got excited that I was going to look on the back and see, you know, interceptions and then see one for a touchdown and then I saw it.

Dude, I was in the football like that, that it was going to say all pro underneath his name. And it was right. That was sort of like, I think that game might have been the one that put him on the map nationally that everybody was like, dude, have you seen that guy Lawrence Taylor? Oh my God, this guy, that's where he reached, right?

He reached and got it and then ran. Yeah, I remember. Yeah. I remember. Man, talking about this is awesome. Dude, we just did like a, but yeah, we got to get to this. All right, let's get to the, let's get to the pick here. We got to get to the Monday night special.

The Monday night special. When some money for you. So here's the deal because of the COVID protocols and all this stuff and people, you know, doing whatever they're doing and getting kicked out. They told us to stick to the money line, the over, under, and then for some reason we can still pick somebody to score a touchdown. So who's playing? Cleveland Browns.

It's the Steelers and Browns. I took the Steelers getting three at home after that embarrassment. So if you want to take, you want to take the Steelers with the money line, which I want to take the Steelers with the money line. And what's the over under? Three. Oh, over on her.

Sorry, 41. 41. I always break down. Dan Katz is fucking rules that life is too short to bet the under, but I just like the under in this. I think that. I don't know. I just, I just like the under. I just think, but I just, when I think Cleveland and Pittsburgh,

I just don't think a lot of points and I also think defense. It's just the personality of both of those franchises and. Yeah, it might be a tight. Yeah. More, more tight defense division, division rival tight defense. All right. So we'll take the Pittsburgh Steelers with the money line. We'll take under 41 and what's the third one? Big Ben's got to throw on, you know, Dude, they both are gunslingers, man.

I mean, what's his face? How many did Baker Mayfield throw last week, which makes me think maybe they're not going to do it this week. Well, he threw three picks last week. One of them was bullshit. One was it was either a tip. I forget. I, you know, there's nothing to, I don't think quarterback's throwing a Hail Mary at the end of the game, but the end of a half should be counted as a fucking interception. I agree with that. Yeah.

They're putting up a 50-50 ball at the end of a half because there's two seconds left. It should, there should be some sort of category for that. Yeah. Um, what, whatever you want, we could go, we could roll with whatever you want for the third one. I like both of our first ones, I guess. I mean, All right. I would say what's his face is going to score that, that running back for, um, for the Browns. What the fuck's his name?

Nick Chubb. Yeah. Nick Chubb. Make sure, make sure there's no COVID with Nick Chubb. Why did I think his last name was Mack? Ugh. Dude, do yourself a favor. You got me thinking about that, man. Bill, who was your buddy who worked as an agent, but then after he was an agent, he ended up helping with like finance,

like players, like with their financial stuff. You remember that guy? Yeah, but I got old man brain right now. That dude, he, I said to him one time, he was backstage at a show and I go, dude, what's the greatest performance you ever seen in sports history? And he just goes, he goes, dude, Vince Young Rose Bowl. And I, I think I hugged them. I go, yeah, right? Yeah. I was like, I never said, I never said they like it. I never said.

Chubb's playing. What is it? He's playing. All right. So Nick Chubb, Russian touchdown, the, the Pittsburgh Steelers with the money line and under 41 for your money night special. I like that man. That sounds like a winner to me. Yeah. I mean, just hopefully the Steelers can pull it off. Although none of that makes sense. I bet we bet the under and then I bet that somebody on the other team's going to

have a touchdown against the team that I picked. That's how you win money, people. It doesn't make sense. Let the Monday night special. Win some money for you. All right. All right. Everybody new year. Thank you to everybody in the podcast and listening and all that stuff. We've been having a great time and enjoying the university going right down to the wire, a classic pitchers duel here, Paul. You know, and listen, if there's one thing that we can take is whoever loses,

which I'm really scared to lose him, but whoever loses as long as if we both beat the book after 18 weeks, that's something. So that's something. Why are you scared? I've never, you've never beat me. So I'm the one who has something to lose here. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. I'm like, I would be slinging it, Paul. No, we haven't done this in, what, 10 years and you beat me 10 years ago. I want it. I want it, Bill. I want it. I want the Jimmy, the Greek trophy. We got to do it. After this year, we got to do it. We got to get a trophy.

Andrew, do you want me to read the offering? Oh, I won two back in the day in the BAA. If I was the Lakers, I would count those as fucking titles. All right, guys. Well, that's the thing. That's the episode. That's the preview. Please, please use the Bet MGM app. It is the best. It's the most reliable, most reliable lines. If you haven't signed up, just go to the app, Bet MGM, use bonus code BIR, B-U-R-R, couldn't be more easy,

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All right, did I tell you or did I tell you? I told you we'd send them off, right? So that is it. Enjoy the music picked out by the wonderful, always wonderful Andrew Thamelis, and then we have a bonus half hour of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. Happy New Year to everybody. Thank you to everybody that came up to my shows this year,

so I can continue to not have a real job. And yeah, that's it. Thank you guys so much, all right? Go fuck yourselves and have a great weekend, you cunts. Take my back, boy. And I'll take this ride. Take my back, take my back, boy. And I'll take this ride.

And I'll take this ride. And I'll take this ride. And I'll take this ride. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 30th, 2013. Oh my God, it's the last Monday of 2013. You guys, what are we going to do with it? I'm actually still enjoying the holidays.

I don't know about you guys. Usually, at this point, I'm so fucking sick of everything, and I do mean everything, that I'm kind of like almost excited to go back to work, but this year has been a great thing. Other than seeing that fucking have yourself a merry little Christmas commercial like 58 fucking times, every goddamn hockey game, you know, or that one with the douche, who, who, he's got a family, right?

It's already, he's hateable, you know? Oh, is that your little fucking fake television family, you know, that didn't notice the film crew watching you guys having a Christmas, and he makes the home videos, and everybody fucking gets around, you know, the TV, and they're all tearing up. Oh, what a sentimental little sad thing you made. We're crying because we're so happy, right? Nobody trashes them, calls them a little sensitive, little pussy, something homophobic,

like it would really go down. No, everybody is tolerant of this fuck and his little, what was that movie with the chick with the rose petals coming down on her tits, right? Remember that, and the kids filming the trash, and nobody understood her, man. That's who he should have been, you know? Getting shot in the garage, whatever the fuck happened. Something happened in the garage, didn't somebody get shot, you know? I thought it was a little on the nose that the hard-ass guy across the street was gay, you know?

That whole thing, that people who hate gay people, it's secretly because they're gay. You know what I mean? I'm not saying that doesn't happen, but I mean, people who hate the al-Qaeda, is that because they're secretly the al-Qaeda? Well, metaphorically speaking, maybe. Oh, who gives a fuck? I don't need to see the commercial anymore. That's all I'm saying.

Is that all you're saying? Oh, I think it is. I think that's what I'm saying. You want to start an argument and ruin my fucking holiday week? I just told you, cut some in a good mood. What more do I have to do? With holidays. With the holidays comes family members.

Dude, the reason why this podcast is extra late is one because I'm on a vacation and I don't give a fuck. You know, I don't give a fuck, all right? I'm trying to work, but it's a half day for me too. Just like if your asshole boss made you come in today to do the end of the year spreadsheets, whatever the hell you got to do, right? And all you're hearing is fucking bowl game music in your head. I understand you. That's where I'm at.

Okay, so why don't I do a little longer podcast this week and help you limp through your fucking half day? You know, you're the only poor bastard that's in the office right now. You know, the boss trying to make you feel like you're special. I'll tell you, I only brought in my best employees today. And you six are at the top of the list of people that I knew were in debt just far enough and were raised just well enough to not tell me to go fuck myself. So that's why I asked you six. I was wrong about the other two. So anyways, I couldn't do the podcast today because I have, you know, some relatives over here crashing with me.

And I don't have a podcast studio except for the All Things Comedy podcast studio, but I only use that when I interview people like Dave Kekner, if you've missed that one. Other than that, I just do it my fucking house. So all my shit's downstairs. You know, one of my cousins is asleep downstairs. I got the shit there. I don't want to wake them up or whatever. So I'm also doing my end of the year shit where I have to get all my paperwork together, you know, to make sure all the eyes are dotted, all the T's across to make sure if there's a knock on the door from those cunts who are on the legal side of stealing come up to me and say, oh, do you have your paperwork so we can take this money from you and then do whatever the fuck we want with it, you know. So I've been avoiding doing this, but over the years, the paperwork has just gotten too big.

And I went down this is what I did this morning. Okay, during my vacation, I drove down to Staples, and I bought a file cabinet. And I got to tell you, it was if you two wasn't playing over the speakers and thank God for you too, by the way, that somehow something of that level of quality can actually seep into the whatever the place selection at a fucking office max. You know, it's brilliant. But they can still be that uplifting yet still be pop and still be played in a department store. You know, that was the only thing keeping me going because it was fucking soul crushing. I don't know what it is about buying a file cabinet. And I don't want to hear any cut to the first world problems.

You know, you're not a fucking people who've never left the first world and don't even know anything about the fucking third world other than what the fuck they see on TV, which is basically some fucking reporter with an army helmet on standing. We're trying to get we're trying to get more bamboo and have a fucking well built. I mean, what do you know about the third world before you tell me that before you lean over your potato skins and a fucking Applebee's, you know, and act like you're appreciating your your fucking lot in life. You're eating potato skins. Okay, they should be doing that the third world if they have nothing to live for stick that down your throat and have a fucking heart attack here you are living in the fucking best goddamn situation you can possibly be in. And what are you doing? You're draining the oil out of your ass. Sorry.

So I go there. And a lot of people to who I think even use that expression first world problem. They don't even know what it means. They just heard enough people say it. And then they get a gist. Oh, you kind of say it during this part of a conversation. I do that all the time. I have all kinds of words in the English language that I could not give you a definition of but I could use perfectly in a sentence because I heard enough other people doing it.

You know, it's like all those people who can do Michael Jackson's fucking leg kick with the loafer. You know, can they go beyond that? No, but they can do that part. They've seen that part because they've seen that enough. Right. Okay. But if you notice when they walk down the street none of the fucking sidewalks lighten up and that's what I'm that's my point. If you can't do the fucking math on that, then I can help you.

So I go into this staples and it was a good you two song. It wasn't one of their douchey ones like beautiful day. They fucking start slowing it up. Good. I can fucking relax. Then all of a sudden Bono starts screaming at me. What a beautiful day it is. It's like, yeah, it was a beautiful day until you started fucking screaming at me.

Why don't you tell the edge to take it down? Tell Larry to get off the fucking crash symbol, maybe ride on a fucking high. Maybe take off the brushes. You know, um, anyway, so I walk in there and these are my selections. There's either, uh, the staples. Okay. First of all, you have the company that all we do is we make file cabinets. All right.

And they have this fucking bandaid beige four drawer fucking file cabinet. You know, I just looked at it and I might, you know, I just, I just felt something in my chest just gave way. You know, I think it was hope, some form of hope. I don't know something like say I lived 80 years. You know, I would have lived 80 years and a half a day if I didn't do what I did this morning. You know what I mean? I really, I believe that shit too. I think anytime you're doing something in life that you don't want to be doing, I think that adds up in the other end.

You know, you would have been 90, but in the end of your life, you die at 82. Because if you add up all those fucking moments that go into staples, you know, where we need batteries and standing in line at the fucking drugstore with the skeleton shift, you know, and there's nobody there to fucking unlock the goddamn thing to get you the fucking batteries. You got to wait till the fucking lines done. So the chick behind the register and come on, all of that shit ends up adding up to like eight and a half years. On your life. And that's just trying to buy shit.

You know, forget about if you're living with the wrong person. I was speaking to which not to fucking, not to air the dirty laundry of my neighborhood, but I got to tell you something. All my neighbors, I've lucked out fucking great people, but I got to have like three doors up the fucking street. Is this older couple? I don't know how old they are. They sound like they've been together forever. But the energy they have when they scream at each other, I still think they're in their fifties.

You know, like they got one more big contract. They're going to ask for four years. You know, life's only going to give them three and then they're going to fucking, they're going to move to Seattle. Like, you know, right? So when they yell at each other, I swear to God. The, the, I can't even, the hate, the fucking bile when they yell at each other. Like they are so done with each other. Every time there's a pause in the argument.

Like he says, fuck yeah, fuck yeah. I can't even do it. It's like, it's not quite blood curdling scream. And it's not quite just like maniacal rage. It's somewhere between the two that the only way you can duplicate it is if you have that sort of pain in your heart and they scream at each other. And every time they pause, when there's that pause, I've just, I wince because I'm waiting to hear the gunshot. You know what I mean? I don't know.

And then there's that weird part too that I, I, it also makes me feel good. Like, wow, I have a great relationship. I mean, I know we have a battles. I know I've been a fucking idiot. I've done everything I could to steer it into the fucking, fucking son. But at the end of the day, I come home with the chocolate chip cookie. I do what I got to do. Right.

So, I mean, I didn't not fuck. What the hell was I was back at Staples. So I'm back at Staples and I'm looking at these things. So I, and as always, they got like one person at the register and then one other poor bastard who's got to cover the whole fucking floor. So I walk up there and I'm like looking around. There's nobody to help me. All they have is the shit on the floor. I don't, there's no box I can grab.

It's in the back. So I just walk up and I say to the lady at the register because I see there's a guy with a two wheeler helping somebody else with something heavy. And I said it over his shoulder. I was talking to the fucking lady behind the register, but he didn't realize that I go, is anybody who can help me get a file cabinet? And without turning around, he goes, I will help you, sir, when I'm done helping this customer. So I immediately get it. They owe me would have been like, Hey, first of all, I wasn't talking to you and I understand that you can't do two things at once. All right.

And I understood the whole fucking thing. We said nothing to do with him and nothing to do with me. I guess I had to do with me. I could have stepped more to the side, you know, had more of a straight on conversation with the register lady. But I knew what was going on this way. This had this came from corporate. They were running as few fucking people as possible. This guy was having to do way too fucking much for what he was getting paid for.

So that caused him to come at me the way was coming at me and I was coming at them the way I was coming at them because I couldn't get any fucking. Help. And in the end, the real kinds that created it are sitting on their Christmas yacht. So I let it go. I just laughed or whatever. And he came back and I made a joke about how, you know, he ought to have another five guys out there helping him, which relaxed the situation. So now here we are, the two of us him having to cover way too much square footage, you know, like a five on three and hockey, except it's the staples version of it. You know, maybe like more like a five on two, if that was possible.

So, and there I am standing there trying to pick out which file cabinet I want. Both of us minutes just just falling off of our lives. And he guy guy. So what's, I guess I need this one here. And I told him, I go, dude, I can't believe how depressing this is to buy this thing. And he just started laughing. And I go, all right, so these look the same. Why is this one $50 more?

He's like, all right, that's so and so they're known for making file cabinets. They make the file cabinets and that's just the staples version. So I go, all right, I start pounding the file cabinet, you know, listening to the sound hitting either one of them, you know, trying to figure out which one sounds more solid. Obviously the guys that that's all they do, this sounds more solid staples is trying to undercut them being such douchebags. They put theirs right next to it. They make it the exact same cover for like 50 bucks less. Now I should say, you know what, fuck that file head cabinet people. I should just save myself 50 bucks, but that's not how I'm wired.

I don't know why I said fuck those staples cunts like the file cabinet people actually give a shit about me. I don't think they do, but they give a shit enough to make a fucking higher quality file cabinet. So I go with that one. And I don't know, we wheel the fucking thing out. I'm sitting there going, can this fit in a Prius? I have a truck. I didn't realize I was going to buy this thing. I was hoping I was going to buy something else. I realized somewhere between the fucking U2 song and the fucking boy band that I had to buy a goddamn file cabinet.

We're laughing and we put the thing in the back of the car. I tried to tip him. He goes, no, no, no, no, because this is what I do, right? The guy, we fucking won't even take the goddamn money. He leaves and I'm driving this fucking thing home, you know, feeling like that dude in the end of the movie and Last American Virgin when this fucking chick cheats on him with the douche who knocked him up earlier and he's driving away in the purple fucking station wagon with the tear coming down his eye. That's what I feel like.

So I was like, how can I turn this shit around? So anyways, I get back to the house. The relatives are still fucking sleeping. I got the file cabinet in the back of the Prius. I'm an old man. I got a bad back, you know, but I got that German Irish man. I got that German Irish blood. I'm like, I'm all fucking doing myself.

I'll put it over my head. I'll open the gate with my foot and I'll slip another disc. And I was finally like, you know what? Fuck this. I'll wait till my cousin gets up. That's all they say in the western mass sometimes. My cousin. I don't even know if it's western mass.

I don't know where the fuck I heard that in my travels. I just said, I'm just going to fucking leave it there. So I sit down and put on the TV and lo and behold, lo and fucking behold. What's on television as I put it on? My favorite goddamn show. All right. Fast and loud. The gas monkey garage guys.

So I'm sitting there watching them and everything they got. They customized it and all that type of shit. And you know what? I'm thinking about my stupid file cabinet. How fucking cool their lives are. They're motorcycles and there are some cars and how they make everything look fucking cool. And I was like, you know what? Why don't I have somebody fucking paint this goddamn file cabinet?

I live in Los Angeles, California. Well, hot rotting hot rotting allegedly started. They do the best interiors out here. They do all these fucking great paid jobs. Why don't I get somebody it's fucking soul crushing, bandaid, light brown. It's even lighter than that. Throw a little bit of cream in there just for you lactose intolerant people to make everybody puke on this podcast. That's what it looks like.

So here's my question for you. Does anybody know anybody in the Los Angeles area where I could bring a file cabinet over there and they could paint it a color. That's gonna make me happy. And I don't even need some fucking design. Just put maybe just MMP on the side of it. It's just something fucking cool so I can look at it. And not just like, I mean, just to have my shoulders slumped down like that fucking quarterback for the Cowboys when he threw that last interception against the Eagles, man. Jesus Christ.

Are the Cowboys fans paying enough for their five fucking Super Bowls? Good Lord. A buddy of mine texted me God's team before the game started and I don't know what you guys did to him. You know, were you guys two arrogant after your last Super Bowl win? What did you do? You take out your 10 gallon hat, take a shit in it and fucking put it over a Steelers fans head or something. I don't know what the fuck you did, but Jesus Christ. You know, I was a Cowboys fan right up till they fired Tom Landry in Texturem.

Texturem left and they fired Tom Landry and it went from this Stoic. We do things the right way over here to Heehaw. How about that Cowboys? Hey, wait, it just got two fucking cartoony for me. Even though I like everybody on that team. And I think I rooted for them in all the Super Bowls, didn't I? Played the Bills twice. Then they played the Steelers.

Yeah, I had to root for them against the Steelers because I lost money. First fucking Super Bowl, I bet, was the 78 game. Arguably the greatest, a massive talent ever when the Cowboys played the Steelers and lost to them. I lost 75 cents, which was a lot of fucking money to me in the fourth grade. That was, you know, that was a hot lunch back then. So anyway, so here's the deal. If you guys know anybody out here that would do it, would take it off, you know, an up-and-coming painter or something like that. I have some ideas.

I definitely have some ideas, you know, of some shit I want done. And it would probably be great if I could give you a fucking... Just hit me up on Twitter or hit me up on Facebook. Just send me a message or something like that. I don't know, turn this fucking thing into something I want to look at. I'll pay you top dollar, I don't give a fuck. Just, I have to have a file cabinet. All right, let's see, I don't know what else to do with all the papers I'm supposed to keep for these fucking...

Goddamn people running shit. I just can't look at this fucking thing anymore. All right, I even left it in the box. All right, what else? Oh, speaking of that, I'll fucking sit there laying on the floor. Bring this over here, somebody sent me this... Well, how far into the podcast are we? 20 minutes in, Jesus Christ, Bill.

20 minutes, you bitchin' about a file cabinet, you fucking pussy. All right, let's get the reads out. We only got two this week, people. Two very special ones. All right, number one out of the gate. Dollar Shave Club. All right, for a couple of bucks a month, geez, right out of the gate. That's like a false start, let's do that again.

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Alright, what am I talking about now? What did I do this weekend? Well, I did some sets around town, getting ready for my bucket list show at the Wiltern Theater. And I got some new ones for you sons of bitches. Oh, do I got some new ones? I was out last night. I went down to the comedy store and I got to run my set twice because they're awesome.

They got like two, three shows going at all times down at the wonderful comedy store and they put me up twice. And I had a great time. And I was doing that all weekend. I did take Saturday night off because I wanted to watch that UFC. UFC. Championship of the World. UFC 168.

Anderson Silva versus that other guy. I still don't know his name. I haven't even taken the time to learn his fucking name because I was so convinced that, you know, that he lost the first one just because he was fucking around. And I shouldn't know the champ's name here. Let me look this up. Anderson Silva versus Chris Wideman. Hope I'm saying that right.

All right. I thought the writing was on the wall because Matt the Terrorist Sarah was in his camp and I'm like, oh man, that's like when he knocked out George St. Pierre. And everyone was going, oh, George didn't fucking train and yada, yada, yada. And then Matt the Terrorist Sarah was going, ah, let him drink wine or whatever. I thought it was hilarious. But he ended up coming back and beating him. You know, I'm not trashing obviously Matt Sarah at all.

But I'm just saying, so I just thought that maybe this was going to happen again because the first time they had the fight, like I've watched Roy Jones Jr. like make fun of people or clown them as the youth says. I never seen it done at the level of that first fight. It was like fucking ridiculous. And he ended up making a stupid face. The guy punched him and knocked him out. So it's like, all right, you know, he's coming in this time and he's just, he's going to handle this business.

You know what I mean? As the youth says. How do I get all this fucking hip hop shit in my, I don't even know, I don't even listen to this stuff. So anyways, maybe because it's ruled the charts for 15 years, Bill, and it is mainstream, maybe you heard it in Staples, you red cunt. So anyway, so I get this fight because I want to see the rematch to see if this Chris Weidman or Weidman guy is for real crushes. It kills me that I don't know his fucking, that I'm not pronouncing his name correctly. But anyways, I wanted to see that.

And then also I wanted to watch that, that Rhonda Rousey, Misha Tate fight. Because me and the lovely Nia were watching the UFC fight club fucking show the whole season. And I got to tell you, man, it was an unbelievable night. Unbelievable night of fights. If you haven't ordered it yet, it's totally worth the money. And I had a bunch of people come over and we watched the fight. And there's no spoiler alert. I don't know if you're living under a fucking rock, you weren't paying attention.

Anderson Silva fucking snapped his goddamn leg. The second time this year, I've seen it. The kid on Louisville and now that is just, it was not pretty. But I got to tell you that the other dude, Chris, was winning the fight at that point. You know what I want to ask Joe Rogan, I got a call in his podcast, because he said something during that fight that I thought was really interesting where he said, once you get knocked out, you know, you're never the same as far as your ability to, I guess, take a punch like that again.

Like I don't, I didn't quite understand it because that's not like you lose brain fluid. It's still sitting in the same amount of fluid, but maybe you have, I don't know what's going on. So I wanted to ask him about that because I found that really fascinating because I remember Roy Jones Jr. No one could ever touch him and then he finally got knocked out. And after he got knocked out, it seemed easier with each time to knock him out. And people were trying to say, oh, you know, the air of invincibility is gone. And I didn't think that. I just, it seemed like there was something different about him.

I don't know. I found that really interesting. So next time I run into him, I'm definitely going to ask him about it. I thought I had a lot to say about that UFC shit. I guess I didn't. I always just get blown away how fucking tough those guys are. You know, like I'll tell you one thing that that guy who came in, the guy, the lumberjack guy who was really in bad shape for an ultimate fighter. We were sitting there watching it going, this guy has the fucking torso of like a regional manager.

If he didn't have that, I will murder your whole family and then sit down and eat soup afterwards. Look on his face. One of the most terrifying looks I've ever seen. He came in like, not like I'm going to beat you. He's like, I'm going to, like I was, like he was going to kill the other guy. So they end up having their fight. And, uh, oh, fucking awful torso takes a knee to the head, drops to his legs, grabs the other guys, drops to his knees, grabs the other guys' legs. And this guy rains like, I don't know, four elbows.

And he must have been using the perfect technique because when they showed it in slow motion, it was almost like this beginning of a break dance move. It was very, uh, fluid the way he was doing it with a little bit of flair. You know, it wasn't like he was just bringing it up. Like how was a jerk off like me? Like, it was like, it was like this aerodynamic. I don't know what he was doing. It looked fucking great. He should have a little pinky out.

It was like six of the classiest fucking elbows to the side of the head I've ever seen. And that was the end of that lumberjack and any murderous thoughts he ever had had. Why is my voice cracking? Um, I don't know. I always like seeing that. I love seeing when a guy goes into the octagon and I just see the look on his face and I feel whatever manhood I even possess just drain out of me. And just see the other guy just across the ring like, oh, that's a tough look you got there. What guys, what guys, what guys?

And then it's fucking over. You know, then you wish that you could do something like that, you know, maybe there's some terrorists on a flight and then you land the plane. And they want to give you the key to the city, but you don't show up because you're too fucking cool for it. Anybody else just go on those long fantasies like that? I do it. I do it all the time. You know what? I want to apologize for it.

I like living in my own little world. Between my two years, my two years, I am a hell of a fucking guy. I'm a war veteran. I'm a hero. I know how to fuck well. I'm good at math. It just, it's endless. Um, anybody watching the NFL football yesterday?

Um, I actually went on a hike yesterday, you know, like the half a twinkle toes I am and went with another buddy of mine just to make it even more homoerotic. And, uh, I don't know, I wasn't interested in any of the earlier fucking games. And plus I've been eating like shit, you know, with the holiday food and everything. So I was like, I got to get out and try to walk around a little bit. So we decided when we're going to go on this hike and, uh, we just kept extending it and extending it and extending it. And I knew I was going to pay the price for it. Long story short, we got fucking lost. We tried to cut down this one ridge and it just ended up getting so fucking steep.

Like I was just like, if one of us falls, um, I'm not saying we're, we're, we're going to die from the fall, but we're going to die from laying there for four days until coyotes finally find us and like just pick up. Just pick us apart. You know, as we try, we're just laying on our backs and, you know, making those noises you make as you're trying to fight off jackals with a stick. You know, um, I would stab myself with a stick personally. I'd always take the coward way up. Not going to feel that wild animals breath up against my ear lobes, just trying to get a better fucking lock on my neck. I don't, I don't need that. I don't need that.

Um, oh, speaking of that, for some reason that made me think of Rhonda Rousey. How she just fucking gradually got the arm bar going there. Um, people flipped out when she didn't shake hands afterwards. They were booing the shit out of her. I thought it was a great fight. I'm all right if they don't shake hands afterwards. Hey, how about after you fucking break their arm, you show a little bit of class and shake the fucking arm that you didn't break? Who gives a fuck?

You know, I liked it. I enjoyed it. I liked that she didn't shake the hands. What does that, what does that teach the kids? What does that teach them? You know, when they're done punching their friend in the face and then fucking snapping their arm. If they don't get up and shake their fucking quivering hand. I liked it.

I enjoyed it. Oh, the lovely Mia, everybody. She was going shush, shush. I have things to do. Look at you with your fancy shoes. That's it. You look great. Thank you.

All right. Anyways, the fuck was I talking about? Yeah, I enjoyed it. I didn't have a problem that she didn't fucking shake her hand. But I like both fighters and I wish them well. Oh, look at me being a goddamn diplomat here. Anyways, what the fuck was I just talking about? Oh, it's talking about NFL football.

Oh, no, the hike. That's right. So we ended up getting lost. We went 20 minutes in the wrong direction. So those of you who are halfway decent at math, that's a 40 minute fucking mistake. And we would just laughing by the end. It ended up being a four hour hike. My buddy's like one of these dudes who's like really into technology.

So with every hike, he has something else. You know, I got an app on my phone that will tell us how far we went. He starts with that. And the next I got a bracelet. That's measuring all the calories on burning. Give you some sort of indicate it's like, it's a fuck. He gives a fuck. He's into he's into that shit.

So I think the hike ended up being like 11 miles. We like walked half a marathon. And the running joke was I was going to be back in time for the one o'clock kickoff one o'clock out here for the Pats game. And with every mistake we made, I just kept saying, like, am I going to have to have Nea tape the fucking game? We ran out of water. And, um, but you know, we were nearing up to civilization. There was other hikers there and that type of shit, but it was, uh, I don't know. All I know is I ate like shit when I came back and I still woke up today with a flatter stomach than I had yesterday.

That is how far we hiked. And you know what people? That's the end of my mediocre hiking story. We're taking collars. Does anybody else have a mediocre and hiking fucking story? Um, all right, let's get to some questions for this. I didn't talk about the Patriots game. Um, fucking great game.

Could not finish him off. Um, should have lost the game. If the bills didn't. I don't know. I don't know what they were doing. I actually tweeted in the end of the third quarter, actually tweeted, did the bills bet the Patriots? And I got to tell you the amount of people who thought, who read that is did the bills beat the Patriots? And I got all these people, why don't you just look it up instead of tweeting about it, you dumb cunt?

So I get, I got to write back to a bunch of people going bet not beat. I didn't say anything mean. I didn't trash them at all. I just corrected them because I knew that that would hurt more. And you know me, you know me from Twitters to Fatties. I'm all about shaming because that's how I was brought up. Um, Patriots bills. Everybody, uh, I don't know what to say about the game other than it fucking rained.

I'm happy that we won another unbelievably successful season for the Patriots. I think Tom Brady had his arguably his best season. Just considering what the fuck he was working with about the defense route rose to the occasion. But having said all of that, I will be surprised if we win more than one playoff game. And I won't be surprised if we're one and done just because, uh, well, the FC is kind of weak, but I don't know. It's just, it's different. It's different when it comes to January. So you probably got to be asking yourself, well, then who you picking bill?

You staying with the fucking dirty birds out there? The Seahawks? I guess dirty birds are the Falcons. Yeah, I think it's the Seahawks to lose. It's huge that they got the home field because for some reason I don't know why they don't quite play as well on the road, but they still ended up at what 13 and three. I definitely think that it's theirs to lose. Um, I don't know.

I was in Europe for fucking three weeks, so I missed a lot of the football. I can't really even talk intelligently about who I think can beat them. You know, my buddy's saying the 49ers. That's always a good pick to pick a division rival because they know each other so well. Uh, but I definitely think it's theirs to lose and it would be nice to see them finally win a Super Bowl and give their fans something to actually be loud about. You know, I know I've trashed a lot of the Seattle fans for that dumb record, but I, you know what it just annoyed me that your owner fucked you so bad on those premium beers and you guys busted them for it. And then immediately he just gets back in your good graces by just stroking your fucking balls, taint and asshole with this loudest fans horseshit.

How much money did he make off of that fucking beer fucking you guys over as you sat there screaming your fucking heads off? You know, that's all it takes a couple of trinkets, a little placket on the wall and everybody goes. There's actually somebody said tonight that last night I was talking to this other comic and he was telling me how he likes the Pope. You know, I like the Pope. I like this guy. He says he's cool with atheists. You know, they don't mind if gay people get married and blah, blah, blah. It's like that's because they're hemorrhaging cash in the fucking West in the Northern Hemisphere. It's a business. They're only adding people down in South America, but as far as up here, they're fucked. They're losing people day by day, so they have to adjust their message. The same way when BP was involved in that horrific oil spill, all of a sudden now their logo is painted in the color of grass and corn or sunlight.

Hey man, it's green. They care about the environment, man. That's what the Seahawks owner did. He was doing that boss hog shit and you guys caught him or somebody caught him. I got to give you guys the link to that video. They had the thing, right? They had the tall beer, the premium fucking beer, the cost more, and then they had the short fat one. And somebody finally sucked down a short fat one and then poured the tall one into the short fat one as the exact same amount of ounces. They didn't have the decency to make it two ounces more, so it kind of spilled over and that would have ended it. They were so fucking cheap. I'm getting halfway through this and I'm forgetting if it actually was the Seahawks owner, but I'm in too deep now. I just got to go with the lie. Maybe it's the truth. That's what they did.

So what does he do? He starts getting fucking former celebrities, people from Top Gun to come up there and ring that bell to get the 12th man thing going. He just stroked your fucking balls and you bought into it. He's not your friend. I haven't said all that. I hope you guys win a championship because I like the Seahawks way back when they had Jim Zorn and Steve Largent, David Craig, Kirk Warner. I like those teams. I'm not being a do-share. I don't mind your new... They're one of the few teams that had a nice uniform and actually was sort of a lateral move, but I like the older ones, man. I like that silver helmet. I thought it was fucking cool. All right, enough with my half-ass fucking NFL talk. I am going to the Pro Bowl again this year, people, and this time I'm hoping I'm going to make it.

Last year I ended up getting some acting work, but it was actually... Oh, I never told you guys this story. It was the final episode I got to do on Breaking Bed. And I won't ruin it because I know people are watching the thing, but it's basically a scene in the... Well, you know what it is because you'll watch the last half of the fifth episode and you'll see the last one I'm in. That scene where I'm sitting in the car with those two other characters. That was... I had a gig Saturday night in Honolulu. And then the next day, me and Jay Lawhead, Rose Bowl legend, and one of the comedians on the show tomorrow night at the Wiltern. We did the show and then the next day we were going to go to the Pro Bowl.

I don't know, this is a running joke in show business that if you want to book acting work, you know, book some sort of vacation, book some sort of fun because if you're sitting there watching the phone, like, you will not work for ten years. But if you go, you know what, fuck this. I'm going to go, I'm going to go, I'm going to go, I don't know, I'm going to go on a fucking vacation. I don't know what money you'd go with if you weren't getting acting work, but whatever, you just plan something. Hey, me and my boys are going to go to this game immediately, you're getting acting work. So it's kind of, it's kind of a good thing, but so anyways, I did the gig and then I literally had to fly back to LA the very next day and then from LA to Albuquerque, New Mexico and then we were the first one out of the gate. That's why I couldn't go to the game. I remember that we shot that scene at like, God, what was it?

I think the call time was like five in the morning, five in the morning and I think we started shooting at six and we were done by like 6.30. Like that was the thing about when you did that show is that everybody was so goddamn good. They just had the coverage, they had the dialogue, they just had it down and I don't know, they made you look great. So all I did was just make sure I always knew my lines, know your fucking lines, say what they wrote, hit your mark and they're going to make you look great. And the other two guys were regular, so they were awesome, so they knew what the fuck they were doing. So we were in and out of there and like, in and out of there in like 30 minutes. Oh, back to back mediocre story. I'm fucking crushing it. Just slapping signals to the opposite field, hitting for average here, people. Um, anyways, all right, so let's let's go here. All right, let's let's read some of the letters.

Some of the letters. How come there's not a New Year's song? I feel like singing this week and all there is is that awful one. Awful fucking one. What is that? He's a jolly good fellow, right? Isn't that how it goes? Should all the quaintage be forgotten, never brought to mind. I never understood what that meant. I don't know what old angzine means. Just a sad fucking grapes a wrath kind of shit. I just, you know, I just feel like I'm in the dust bowl when I sing that fucking song. It's just, it's not a happy song. Oh, Jesus, Bill. Jesus Christ, who pissed in your Cheerios? All right, newsletter. Hey, Bill, do you have a newsletter to let me know when you'll be live in the South again?

I announced them on this podcast and I, I announced it via Twitter and Facebook or whatever. That's basically how I do it. Speaking of which, we have almost got all the dates for the Canadian tour lined up and I'll let you know I'm going to some fucking places that I never thought I'd go. So it's not just the hockey cities. I'm also going to other ones just to get your Canadian hopes up that you're not going to have to drive over to another province. I probably shouldn't have done that, but there's definitely some, some pretty fucking, it's going to be fun. It's going to be fun. And I'm bringing my hockey stuff up there. I'm going to figure out where there's a pond hockey game or someplace where I can play. And I want to go up there and get embarrassed. I want you people up there in Canada to show me once and for all that it is in fact your game. Okay. I don't know. I'm going to figure out that I want to do that. I want to get drunk and do some curling. And I feel like my time up there will be complete. Okay. I want to do that. And I want you to help me do that.

So next week, but then the week I'm going to announce the dates for the Canadian tour and at least the cities. And then I don't, the reason why I don't do it is because then people go, there's there a link and then there's not a link. Well, when is there going to be a link? I just like to fucking put it out there when I have all the information like, Hey, I'm coming to Canada. I can tell you this. It is going to be in March. All right. There you go. All right. There we go. Okay. Friends cheating wife. Hey there, Billy bad as a longtime fan. Love your comedy. Thank you very much. I'm currently in the air force and one of my coworkers wife is a total slut. Now wait a minute. Let's see what she's done here. My wife and his wife friends. Oh wait, my wife and his wife's friend are friends. So she shares a lot of details with her.

She's sleeping with numerous guys on base and a couple of guys in our work section. Oh no. And she's telling your wife about it. Well, she wants to get caught. The messed up thing is that he knows all the guys that she's messing around with. In the past, my coworker was a real dog, but has cleaned up his act since getting married. He did all his dirt before marriage before marriage, but she sees this as a payback. Oh, oh, well, what the fuck? Then they never should have gotten married. I mean, I'm not going to judge anybody in the story, you know, they have it for the grace of God. Go why? I was a piece of shit, you know, but they shouldn't have got married.

He did all his dirt before marriage, but sees this as payback and even told my wife that she only married him for the benefits. Yeah, well, what are you going to do? This thing was built in sand with some toxic waste in it. It's so crazy that one of the married guys she's sleeping with sat at the same table with us during our annual Christmas party. That's not the bad part. They have two children together. Every time we deploy for six months, she brings the guys to their house. Wow, dragging the kids into it. All right. She went Jordan on that. She just took the fucking, she should change the game there.

I'm leaving this base soon and I feel that I should say something. If not directly, maybe indirectly to help him figure it out himself. What do you, what do you think? Maybe you think, maybe you think about making a stop in Guam? Oh, you went the other way. Okay. I'll be there for the next three months and I know that you'd kill with the military community. Dude, I'd fucking go to Guam. Isn't that from the Spanish American War there? Uh, Jesus Christ. So obviously he was fucking around before they got married. And now, oh, now he stopped.

This is a, this is a friend of yours. Uh, I'm currently at force in one of my co-workers wife. So he's a co-worker. Well, listen, I think this is up to you. If you want to get involved in this thing. I don't know. How about anonymous letter? No, I don't do that because then he's trying to think who knows and who doesn't know. I don't know, dude. I don't know how to cross that one. I don't know how to cross that one.

Tell him. I don't look at, you know, it's hard to have sympathy for them. I mean, you can't sit there and do that to somebody and think they're not going to do it back to you. I've learned all the lessons in this fucking story in my horrific fucking single life. So, uh, I, you know, sorry, how do I tell this one? I knew a guy, I know a bloke who knows a bloke who knows a bloke that, uh, how do I say this? He was going to get married to this girl and he knew that she was fucking around on him. And he went and told the dude and the dude didn't believe him and then got mad at him and then stopped being friends with him. And then he went on and had two kids and she continued to fuck around and 10 years later, he's paying alimony and child support.

So, um, it all depends on your peace of mind. I mean, this guy isn't a friend of yours. What the fuck? Just say like, look, dude, we're not friends. I'm leaving. I don't have a dog in this fight. I just feel like you should know. I guess that that's what I would do. Um, you should do it. You should do it for the fucking kids. Good Lord. Good Lord. Good Lord. Those kids are going to be fucked up. They're already fucked up. It's over. It's over. Jesus Christ. If they were dogs, they'd put them all down in the street. They all got rabies at this point. Terrible, terrible, terrible things. Terrible things are done. Jesus Christ. That was a horrible fucking story.

Uh, Burrstock, whatever that means, Bergenstock, um, long time, uh, Billy Freedom Trail, long time fan. I was wondering to myself the other day how much longer until we get a Bill Burr event, some type of festival, an event where you're the ringmaster and master of ceremonies. You could host pie eating contests. I'd make the fucking pies. Uh, judge a beauty pageant. Actually, a pie eating contest, they don't really make good pies, do they? They just sort of bullshit. You just eat out the filling. Um, judge a beauty pageant and cut a ribbon with a novelty sized pair of scissors. Dude, if I could judge a pig too, I would do this. You set it up. I'll do it. Vendors will sell turkey legs, cotton candy and fried dough. Babies will get their faces painted.

Uh, and while you're not hosting an event, you'll be walking around the grounds in a seersucker soup. Dude, I'm fucking in. You'll probably say something about not many people coming out for it. That's not true. A few thousand people would come out. Uh, Liz Walker will cover it on the 6 o'clock news and the following year there'll be 10,000. People will fly in from lots of places if they get enough notice. Don't bother explaining why this is a bad idea. Every one of your listeners is adding up their vacation days. Dude, this is fucking, you know what? I don't know if I want to host it, but I want to go to it. I want to go there with this. I want to go to something where there's fucking a prize pig. That's what people are fighting for.

I would do that in a second, sir. You set it up. You set it up and I would change it. I would bring in, uh, what else would I have? You need some sort of music. You know, I bring more in like street performers. I know a couple of them from back in the day in my, uh, when I was living in New York, there was a couple of guys that I knew that were fucking great. I actually did a comedy show and I had one of them come down and perform and I crushed it. I'd add that element to it. So what you do is, this is what you do. You have a little backwood shit going on.

You do it in the backwoods. So all the backwoods people show up, but then, you know, what about the people who live in the backwoods and then, but they're into shit beyond the backwoods? That's when you're bringing the street performers from New York, right? So people think that even though it's down home, it's also a little dope as the kids used to say that are now older than me. I would do something like that. Any of that shit that's considered fucking, uh, I don't know what it's considered. It's looked down upon by a lot of people out here in Hollywood, you know, who think that, you know, those debts will fly over state stuff and that they're cut above because they write jokes for four camera shoot sitcoms

with wacky next door neighbors. Um, I like all that shit. Yeah. Do it. Set it up. You get the ball rolling. I'll fucking do it. Throw in some fucking, some sort of car show, a prize pig, right? There's gotta be some sort of blue ribbon one for a farm animal. I already know there's like a zillion of these things. Just tell me where to go. I want to go to one of these things. Do I get to shoot a fucking gun?

Hey, by the way, I just saw, um, somebody recommended this last night. I just watched, uh, Bobcat Goldwaith, Bobcat Goldwaith. Can't even talk today. Yeah, I made this movie called God Bless America. Uh, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it's a dark comedy. Uh, it's on Netflix. Check it out. I'm still working my way through the first season of the killing. Just giving these people all free fucking, uh, what do you call it? Shout outs here.

You know, I do this because then you guys go, oh, you should check this out. You should check this out. Um, you know, actually somebody told me a book I should order and I ordered the fucking thing and it never, it never showed up. I ordered shit and it doesn't show up. I think I don't hit the, uh, complete the deal button. But what do you, there's no store to go to. It's fucking genius. I mean, where is amazon.com based out of, where is that store? Does that information exist? Where in the Dubai? There's no taxes. Everything's free. This is wonderful. Oprah, turn your fucking head to the left and see the tent city on the horizon.

All right. Yeah, I would do that. I would do that. I would go to a rodeo. I'd do any of that shit. All right, girlfriend hates you. Well, she should. Uh, dear, dear Burbank, read slowly, buddy. I know you can do it. He wrote it in all capital letters too. Ah, you ball busting cunt. That was a funny one.

It's not 201. Is it? Holy shit. Where did the day go? Um, all right, I travel all over the country as you do, except I don't do it to make people laugh. I do it so my cunt boss can make money. Anyway, lately, I've, lately I've been listening to your podcast in my truck and my girlfriend can't stand it. She literally hates your guts simply because you curse. What the fuck? Uh, we end up making deals where we listen to 10 minutes of bullshit Beyonce, then 10 minutes of your podcast. God damn it. I try to tell her that your podcast make my day and that you are hilarious and generally a good guy, but she totally disagrees.

Can you tell her a few things that you do that are nice besides the fact that you make people laugh for a living, which should be enough? No, it shouldn't because I get paid for that. Uh, like charity work, going to the make a wish foundation or whatever the fuck. Let her know you aren't a cunt, even though you are much love from your Canadian friend. Ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, he wrote. Um, oh, first of all, sir, I don't need your girlfriend's approval. I don't give a shit what she thinks about me. Breach for a risk. Make sure she doesn't shut this off. Okay. Hey lady, look what you're doing to the man in your life right now. You're making him so fucking miserable. He enjoys this podcast. He likes that I fucking curse. He likes it. Can he just have that?

What's worse in all honesty, the horseshit that I do on this thing or listen to somebody say, I don't think you're ready for this jelly. You know, at least I take the piss out of myself every podcast. I don't walk around like some arrogant ass talking about how fucking great I am and all the shit I have. Does she do that? I don't even know if she does it. I don't, I don't listen to her stuff. Um, you know, at least I fucking, I go in one direction. I don't come up with something that's funny and then or whatever interesting and then say 50 times in a fucking row. Do I? If you like it, then you better put a ring on it. If you like it, then you better put a ring on it. 20 minutes fucking later. If you like it, then you better put a ring on it.

Or else what? You're going to go suck another dick if I don't give you something shiny like this. Give me something shiny right now or I'm going to go blow somebody else. Hey lady, start walking. Go do that little mind walk like you're going down a fucking escalator right down to the dude's dick next to you. I don't give a shit like this country. I don't respond to threats. Okay. Actually we do, but not terrorist threats. I don't respond to that. Okay. Listen, first of all, if I sat here and listed, you don't do nice shit to tell people you're doing nice shit. Okay. Isn't that in the Bible? Heathens pray in public. Oh, look how holy we are. Look what the fuck we're doing. If your lady thinks all I do is bad shit, I don't give a fuck. Okay. Good Lord. What kind of world do you live in it? You're driving a truck and you listen to Beyonce.

Oh my God. I gotta be honest with you. I can't watch performers who don't seem like at any, like they have this look on their fucking face that they just, they can't even believe how fucking amazing they are. At that point in the crowd, I'm just like, well, you don't need me. You know, that's like when these fucking people, like they score touchdowns or they, the athletes, right? They fucking dunk balls and do this shit and they start thumping their fucking chest. I can't match that energy, you know, Paul Gasol dunking a ball or whatever. There's a layup and then goes, oh, like you're in 300. You know, I'm not disrespecting their level of athleticism, but you put a ball through a fucking hoop. Jesus Christ, punching your own chest, douche chills. All right. A lot of that, let that type of shit I can't get into. You know, like Jay-Z, I really enjoy Jay-Z, but at some point you're like, I get it. You have a lot of stuff. Your life is amazing. I could never hope to have a life as amazing as yours because you are that amazing. Please, by all means, tell me about your next big purchase. Yeah, so dude, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck whether your woman likes me or not. If your woman's listening right now, you're a selfish douche. Okay. Does he sit there going off on Beyonce? Maybe he does. I don't know. Maybe the two of you just need to have a little more respect for your playlist.

Okay. They do make headphones. Why don't you put the fucking headphones on and listen to Beyonce while he's driving the truck? He can't have headphones on. That's illegal. And then you could listen to her, you know, making financial deals for her vaginal area. New Year's, everybody. Here we go. Dear Billy Baldrop. I'm not going to ask you what you're doing on New Year's because I already know. You and your Rose Bowl crew will be tap dancing at the Wilton over there. I'm going to be there with a girl I'm 50% into. Okay. Well, then that affects what you should be buying her that night. She's cool. She's hot. And I don't have any major complaints about her. I'm also not in love with her and really can't see anything beyond hooking up. My plan is to laugh my ass off and see what happens. All right. If we hook up, that's great. If not, no big deal. Dude, you're in the zone. You're in the zone. This is some demon shit. You don't care if she comes, stays, lays a praise. Now you got the air, dude. I told two friends and they both advised against hooking up with her. All right. Well, I don't know your friends and I don't know what their motive is.

Let's see if you explain this here. He goes, I would never let that decide whether or not I would. But the interesting thing is that they both said independent of each other that hooking up with a girl on New Year's Eve might give her the wrong impression and that she's going to be a leech afterwards. Oh, that's fucking that's just fear mongering. That's bullshit. What, because your finger is the ball drops all of a sudden you have a relationship? Yeah, I had a good time at some labs. So like you don't want to go to the farmers market? No, I don't. Do you have something against farmers markets? Not really. Well, then why don't you want to go? Because, you know, I don't feel like going with you. I don't feel like a spark. You're fucking asshole. For what? Being honest? Fuck you. There it is. It's the end of the relationship. Anyway, so he goes, I can't even fathom why New Year's Eve would be be considered a special occasion that would lead to her thinking that this whole topic is ridiculous. And I can't even stand to waste time talking about it. But I wanted to hear your opinion. I think I just gave it to you. My question to you is, do you agree with that? And also, do you think there are any days on the calendar that would make a girl think you were into her? Well, yeah, if you took around on Valentine's Day.

Yeah, it's about it. Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day. That would be it. What else? What other day? St. Patrick's Day? You know, you're sitting there eating a fucking meat pie next to her hammered out of your mind with a green plastic hat on. I think he really likes me. The key, and if I could do my single life over again, is I would have been way less fearful to be honest, you know, when relationships were starting. Women are not as psycho as you think. I mean, a lot of times when you say that women are psycho, it's because you are being deceptive. And yeah, then they go fucking psycho. Yeah, they definitely do, but you a lot of times create it. If you just tell them straight up front when they're like, so what is this and just be like, look, I'm not looking to get in a relationship right now. Or like, listen, I enjoy your company, but I'm not feeling like this spark like there's something to that next level. I just feel like you should know that and you'd be surprised at how well they take that. You know, then it's not that always, you know, if you say that the second you feel it, it's usually pretty early on. So there's no really deep feelings and that's all. People just don't want to get hurt. Okay, believe me. I heard a lot of fucking people believe me. And so that's what I learned.

I remember Jesus Christ years ago, and I was just a lad living in New York. I remember I hooked up with this, this woman and she was just like, you know, so what is this? Where's this going? And I was just like, nowhere. I'm like fucking 1235 she was 23. I'm like, I'm like 12 years older than you. You know, by the time you turn 30, I'm gonna be like 60. What do you think it's going? She actually laughed. And I was just like, you know, she goes, so what are we doing? But just hanging out having fun. You know, whatever crazy thing you want to try, but you don't want to do it with your husband, do it with me. And that was it. And she was just like, all right, cool. We had fun for a few weeks and then that was fucking it. And nobody got hurt. And, you know, lost touch with her. And that was it. No harm, no foul, had a great fucking time. There's no like, but I mean, look, you take them out on Valentine's Day and you get them a rose and all of that shit, you start leading them on. So what you're really talking to, I feel is you're talking to two younger guys like me, probably at that, like me, like how I was, I mean, how am I trying to say this?

You're talking to two guys who at their age right now, their skill level was what my skill level was, they don't know how to set it up. And they go, oh, don't do this. Don't bring them out on this day because that makes them think this. All that says to me is that they don't know how to communicate what's going on. So they feel like they and they're also in that thing where they feel like they have to fucking throw their jacket over a mud puddle and let them walk on it in order to get fucked that night, which you don't. You just have to be honest because women enjoy sex too. And they also enjoy you telling them what the fucking deal is. All right, so there you go. So you don't have anything to worry about. Just don't give her a card saying I love you. How many kids do you want? I want to meet your parents. Just don't do that shit. Feeling like you have to say that shit to them. All right, you know what, just look, the fact that you know that those guys are full of shit, I don't need to keep going on with this.

And it's already past fucking two o'clock here, so I got to get this podcast uploaded. That's the podcast for this week. Happy New Year, everybody. Once again, thank you so much to everyone who came out to my shows this year. It really was the best year of stand up I had. I had the most fun on stage. I got to go to the most places, perform to the all kinds of people. It was absolutely phenomenal year for me and can't do it without you guys showing up and thanks to you to everybody who writes into the podcast, listens to it and all that. All right, giving thanks like it's Thanksgiving, but it's fucking New Year's. All right, so get out there, pace your drinking, pick your target early, close in, make her laugh. Okay, take it down before 10 o'clock. There you go. Happy New Year. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next year. Make my back, make my back my honey. Yeah.

The fire in your eyes, it kicks me alive. And the fire in your eyes, it kicks me alive. It's so you hurt your point, the sanctuary. It's so you hurt your point, the sanctuary. In the world, the world turns around. In the world, in the world, the world drags me down. In the world, in the world, the world turns around. In the world, in the world, the world drags me down.

In the world, in the world, the world turns around. In the world, in the world drags me down. In the world, in the world, the world drags me down. In the world, in the world, the world turns around. In the world, in the world drags me down. In the world, in the world, the world drags me down. In the world, in the world drags me down. In the world, in the world drags me down.

In the world, in the world drags me down.