Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-5-24

Episode Date: December 5, 2024

Bill rambles about holiday gifting, street shootings, and 70s hair parts. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (35:30) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 12-5-16 - Bill rambles about Nico Rosberg's retirement, cardio music, and toupee sex. (01:26:08) - Anything Better? NFL Preview & Picks - Week 14 Mando:  As a special offer for listeners, new customers get $5 off a Starter Pack with our exclusive code. That equates to over 40% off your Starter Pack Use code BURR at www.ShopMando.com SimpliSafe:  SimpliSafe is extending its massive Black Friday deal for my listeners. This week only, you can get 50% off any new system with a select professional monitoring plan. This is your last chance to claim their best offer of the year at www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR 

So I travel a lot. I mean a lot perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kind of my gig, right? So I'm out there. I'm living out of suitcases or suitcase sometimes if I bring the big boy and I want all the comforts of home That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible recently I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado And I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff and before we got to the gigs We were like, let's just get an Airbnb and it is just a more comforting existence you have a kitchen you have a yard you know it's communal living it's just a less stressful place more enjoyable experience so when I go on tour you know like I'll be going on tour

in a couple months I always am like well could my place be an Airbnb you know just to have someone watching your place while you're gone and make a little bit of money. And the answer to that is yes, yes, it can be an Airbnb. It's really just as simple as listing your place and letting it earn a little extra cash while you're away. So imagine someone staying at your home in Los Angeles while you're out there exploring the world. Turn your home into an Airbnb.

Give it a shot. You might be surprised at how rewarding it can be. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burris. Time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in. Checking in on you. What's going on? How are you? Oh my god, it's the fucking holiday season,

and I haven't even shopped yet. I have yet to open my computer and go onto Amazon and click on things. When will I find the time? Let me tell you young people something. Dude, you never would have survived Christmas shopping in the 80s when I was a kid. These fucking Generation Whatever they are, oh my god, they couldn't fucking handle the 80s.

Trying to go buy somebody a fucking itchy sweater while fighting the urge to go to Pewter Pot and get yourself a muffin. That's what the fucking streets were like out in the suburbs with the malls. That's what's wrong with this fucking country, man. That's why everybody's so fucking soft is because you can do your Christmas shopping at home. Do you have any idea, man?

Why does everybody think when they grew up was so fucking difficult? Somebody was just commenting on that fucking CEO who got whacked in New York, and somebody wrote, this is Chicago. New York is Chicago in the 1930s. It's like, no it isn't. Nobody's dying of syphilis, all right?

And nobody goes to jail for tax evasion. Unless you have no money. You could never have survived Chicago in the 1930s. Plenty of pussies lived in Chicago in the 1930s. They were called accountants and they did fine. Stop acting like everybody had a fucking Tommy gun and they were working for Capone. They weren't there was plenty of fucking there was nerds back then There's always been nerds. There was brow-beaten men Okay

Just just stop it with this. I Will say though Christmas shopping in the fucking 80s, oh my God, oh my God, oh my Lord. You'd go down to the mall and it would, the people were parking on the grass. It was so fucking stupid. Everybody going down there,

I got all these people in my life and I have to go buy them shit. And that was the 80s. Guess where all that shit is now? It's out in the fucking ocean. All of that fucking, all your parachute pants, all your sweats by EB, BBB, whatever the fucking those things were called.

Remember those? They were literally slacks that they put like a different colored stripe down the side. And every white kid who thought he could break dance had to go out and go get him. So they could be the suburban white b-boy. I kept it real. I always had the fucking Levi's. Not cuz I didn't, no, no, no, no, no, no, I had the maroon ones with the gray stripe.

But then what would happen is if you forgot to tie them, you'd get fucking pantsed as you were walking up the stairs. Someone would come behind you. Of course, when the prettiest girl that you had a crush on was on, they'd grab your pants and fucking yank them down. Oh, the humiliation. And you know what? There was no cell phones.

There was no security cameras. Nothing to fucking record it. So it was your word against the bully. And then if you told on him, you know, then you were the one who went to the teacher and fucking, you were a tattletale. Nobody said you were a rat out in the suburbs. That was a fucking inner city thing.

And then enough movies came out where they were saying, this guy, we got a fucking rat in the house. I got a bad feeling. I think this guy's eating cheese, if you know what I mean. Oh, you're saying he's a rat? I'm saying he's a fucking rat. I don't know who the rat is. We got a fucking rat in the house.

All right, this is what I want you to do. I want you to go out to fucking lunch with Mikey, okay? It's fucking hot out. If he shows up with another long-sleeved shirt, don't even pat him down, just shoot him in the fucking head. That's what happened at the food court in the malls when I was growing up, and you had to walk around the blood splatter, all right,

to go buy somebody Donkey Kong. I will tell you, the Christmas shopping, though, was a fucking shit show. It was a shit show, like, I don't even know how to describe it. It was like leaving, just imagine the crowd leaving a football game okay after a big victory not a big victory whatever I didn't what I don't I don't even know what the outcome is but everybody's just leaving okay but nobody's leaving they're just walking around and they're just everybody's going in at this not like everybody's walking towards a parking lot. Everybody's walking against one another.

To go in and buy shit that nobody fucking needs. I get it. I remember a long time ago, I worked with this comedian. And he just said, Christmas is for the kids. You know what I mean? But the problem is, is you get married, right? I mean, if you're smart, OK, as a man, you're gay, and you marry a dude, OK?

Because if you're a man and you marry a woman, that's another child you have to buy a gift for. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I will tell you this, I'll tell you what. If I got absolutely nothing for Christmas, it would be the greatest Christmas ever. You know what I mean? You ever get that conversation with your conversation with your, uh, with your, uh, with your, uh, with your, uh, with your, uh, with your, uh, You ever get that conversation with your conversation with your

lady with your lady friend? You go, what do you want for Christmas? And you're like, nothing. I'm good. And then they're like, oh, come on. You got to want something. Nothing. Really? You don't want anything. Right? They just keep fucking doing that shit and it's just like, listen, you don't want to get me anything. This is just the guilt because you know that you're making me buy something. Like you're fucking seven years old and you still think some fat fucking white guy's coming down the chimney there. All right? There's no fat guy coming down the chimney. All right? The fat guy's already in bed and guess what you married it And just because you did that was your mistake doesn't mean I gotta buy you fucking shit

This is what I want to know is there what percentage of men have the fucking balls To say this holiday see that's the holiday season And guess fucking what I don't want nothing and I ain't getting you shit because it's the holiday season. And guess fucking what? I don't want nothing and I ain't getting you shit because it's all fucking made up, yeah. So I ran out of words and I had to end with yeah. This is like the first pass at the track. We kind of like the melody, we like some of the lyrics,

but there was some word that stuck out. Holiday, no. Dooby dooby doo? No. Was it yeah? Yeah, that's what it was. Can we take that out? Okay.

It's the holiday season and I ain't getting you shit cause I don't need it and that's the fucking deal and we'll be ba da ba da ba. Okay. All right, we're getting there. We're getting there. Okay is better than yeah. No, no, no, no, this is the process. This is the we're getting there. We're getting there. Okay is better than yeah. No, no, no, no, this is the process.

This is the process. Stay positive, staying up, staying up. All right, let's do another take. Get some more fucking tinsel in there. He's losing his confidence. That was a Christmas recording that you guys never heard before. Right here on the Thursday afternoon,

just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Who is the fucking gonads to say to your wife just be like listen I have an idea this this Christmas and they're like really what and then they pull their feet up off the floor and they sit like fucking Indian style, you know? Or maybe they do the side saddle. What, you have an idea? Oh my God, he cares. He's thinking about me.

No, me. The ya comes when they're complaining. He's thinking about me. But when they're upset with you, they have the ya. No, I'm talking about me. No. No, I'm talking about me. Um, no. Stop. If you have the fucking balls to say like, listen, what are we doing? We're such and such age. Why put ourselves through this shit?

I don't want anything. Okay? And I believe in a balance of power in the relationship, which means, you know, if I'm not getting anything, then you don't have to get anything. And our gift to each other is we get to keep that fucking money in our pocket and we don't have to waste a second of our fucking life thinking about what stupid ass fucking thing. But I want to get you something. I don't want it. No, no, we're not doing this anymore.

Why? Why ya? I'll tell you why ya. Because it's not an even trade because all your shit costs way more than my shit because the fucking guys who make shit for men know that we have no power in the fucking relationship right and we also they also know that like if we don't get you what you want you're going to withhold so they can fucking jack up the price. So it's not a fair trade.

It's not a good, can you imagine that? Can you imagine if you got some fucking sick ass thing every year and then you came at her with like socks or some musk, whatever the dumb ass shit is that they get for us? What do you want for Christmas? Ah, the day off? I would like that.

Maybe a couple, two, three days. It's just fucking sitting here staring at the wall trying to figure out how another 12 months went by. And I still haven't figured out what the meaning of all of this shit is. What about Jesus? All of these fucking, the whole fucking year, politicians, country singers,

bad shit crazy people on fucking social medias, plural medias, what the fuck did they do, huh? You don't need to, relax, the answer's coming. Don't, what do they talk about? They talk about Jesus. You know, and how he's coming and how he's fucking, What do they talk about? They talk about Jesus. And how he's coming and how he's fucking. You gotta surrender and you gotta admit that you don't know shit and this fucking hippie's gonna come down. You know why Jesus hasn't come back yet? Because he's a fucking lazy hippie. If he had a fucking man's haircut, high and tight, okay, he would have came back sometime

during World War II, I would have thought. Would have paid the fucking Nazis a visit. What the fuck is my point here? Yeah, they don't talk, all of a sudden, it's all Jesus, all the fucking time until right around Thanksgiving. And then all of a sudden, they do the fucking time until right around Thanksgiving and then all of a sudden they do the fucking bait and switch. The whole fucking year they scare the shit out of you telling you that this fucking dude

is coming back and you need to repent and all the fucking bad shit you date is going to come back and you're going to burn forever in the fucking Dante's Inferno, whatever the fuck it is, right? And then the second his birthday comes up, right? You want to talk about someone who doesn't get shit for his birthday. How about Jesus? Well, he's dead, right? Well, I thought he came back. They never talk about that. Three days later he came back and then where did he go? Is there a third part of the Bible they don't have? He was born miraculously. God was the baby.

Somebody did an Instagram on that. Joseph, you are not the father. And Joseph was running around the fucking, how relieved was he? I mean, they were living in a barn, right? Packed in a barn. That must have been at least a studio apartment. Let me tell you something right now. You never would have fucking survived back in the day in the barn during the Noelle season. The fucking Three Kings coming up, they had a lot of fucking nerve, didn't they?

Living in castles and then fucking showing up at a barn acting like the world was fair. What happened to him? So he dies, he gets crucified for you, all right, for everybody. He dies for our sins and then what happens? He comes back three days later and everyone's like, holy shit! You know, I thought those street musicians, magicians, I thought those street magicians were amazing, levitating on the sidewalk, making people of color run away, as white people try to figure out how to turn it into a weapon that they can use. You know, it really is funny how corny white people are depicted in so many comedies, and then you look at what the fuck we're doing around the world. Yeah, it's pretty, I don't understand what's going on there.

Anyway, plowing ahead. What happened? He fucking, he, so then he dies and he comes back. Guess who's back, back again. Jesus back, tell a friend. Guess who's back, guess who's back, we're waiting, we're waiting. And he pushes the fuck, sorry, I just got off a flight.

I'm in a fucking weird boat. He fucking pushes the rock back. Did he? Did he push the rock back? Did he have the fucking, he had more of a yoga body. I don't see him fucking moving a rock. Oh, he's Jesus.

He went, wah! The fucking thing just moved out of the way, right? And then Jesus comes back and everybody was like, oh shit, you're not gonna believe it. Man, you didn't fucking see. I swear to God I did. He was fucking, I touched the wound on the sun is side. And the guy was like, gross. Well, he had to tell it was him. You know, this is long time ago. There's no forensic expert. When am I supposed to take his fingerprints? What put his hand in the sand.

Second blows, the wind goes, I lose. It was his idea. So then he comes back, he freaks out all his friends. How come he didn't go back and visit the people that stuck him on the cross? So you thought you were gonna get rid of me, didn't you? How come you didn't go to the puke rooms in fucking Rome? As they were sitting there high-fiving, oh yeah, we showed that fucking hippie a thing

of two saying he's a son, what the fuck are you doing here? Sorry, puke room. What the fuck are you doing here? Sorry, puke room. What the fuck are you doing here? Here, here, here? It's really weird that he died and then three days later he came back and then they don't talk about anything more about the guy's fucking life and then like,

we're still waiting for him to come back again. He's kind of like a one hit wonder when it comes to returning from the dead, right? He's sort of like Eddie Rabbit of The Prophets. Ooh, I'm driving my life away. This guy's got a catchy country pop song. Whatever happened to Eddie Rabbit? Whatever happened to the guy that told him,

you know what your last name should be? We gotta get rid of this, you know, you can't be Eddie Horowitz, all right? We're trying to sell country music. They don't go for your kind down there, if you know what I mean. We gotta get something else, something they can relate to.

A lot of rabbit, you know? They're always out there shooting those fucking things Eddie He goes from Jewish to Eddie rabbit still gonna fucking shoot at me It's just anyway Plowing ahead this is just me stressing because I have all of this fucking work to do and I got a fucking Christmas shop. And the funny thing is, is I don't.

I don't have to get anybody anything. And neither do you. You are totally in control to not get into this war of the world's hysteria that happens every stupid fucking... I get it if you have kids. All right? Honey, honey, I think next year we should be more adult.

Oh, I like that. All right, well, it's starting now. We're both too old for Christmas, okay? Let's just not buy each other anything. How about that? How about, how about that? Well, what's the purpose of me being with you if I don't get stuff every once in a while?

Every once in a while? How about every couple of fucking months? You know what they should make women do? You know that little Yahtzee cup that they have? Put the fucking one dice in there. And on one side it says Valentine's Day, the other side it says birthday, the other side it says Mother's Day, and the other side it says Mother's Day and the other side it says Christmas and then the other two sides say you lose.

And then she rolls the dice and whatever pops up is the only time of that year you got to get a gift and if she gets you lose then that's it. She gets nothing that year. Okay, then you'll see how much she loves you. Just out of curiosity, would you love me if, would you still love me? Would you still love me if I didn't buy you shit? Right, would they?

Would they? Would you? Um... Yeah, I mean, you got to think of the 1800s. It was fucking Valentine's Day. You walked out of your love cabin and you grabbed a fucking handful of daisies. Here you go, fucking Jezebel, whatever your fucking name is. Here you go, Clementine. All right.

Now, what say we make another farmhand? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And that was their life. How come they got away with it back then, but we can't get away with that now? You know why? It's not because of corporate America. It's because back then, you could fucking put your hands on a woman. You could why? It's not because of corporate America. It's because back then

you could fucking put your hands on a woman. You could give her a nice fuck. What did you fucking ask me? What do you want? You want a three-legged stool? You want me to go over and dig out that fucking tree stump and make you a three-legged stool? Get your fucking ass over here. Darla, whatever your name is. Um... All right. I'll tell you what's the craziest thing, other than that dude whacking that guy with a silencer at 7 in the morning today in New York, is that they were able to follow that guy with cameras

all the way into Central Park. Am I the only one that finds that fucking disturbing? You know? What the fuck are we gonna write scripts about in the future? Like all the great movies have people doing illegal shit. Everything's gonna be on camera. You're gonna be caught before the thing is over. The whole fucking movie is just gonna be the crime, them watching you on TV and then they arrest you and And somehow you gotta stretch that into fucking 100 pages. And if elected, I would take down the cameras so people could get away with crime.

You know what's funny? Is you shoot somebody in the street, that whole fucking thing is on camera now, right? You're a fucking CEO and you fuck people out of their 401ks, none of that's on camera. Oh shit, Bill. Oh snap, are you fucking going deep on the deep state of America with the fucking flat earthers

out there in the moon dust? I've been with my wife for 20 years. 20 years, where'd they go? 20 years, I don't know. Sometimes I sit here and wonder, where'd they go? Like a rock. Did Bob Seeger ever sing about a winner?

It's unreal. Beautiful loser, this whole fucking career. Nobody loved a sad sack like Bob Seeger. Was he related to Michael McDonald or did just everybody in the 70s look like that? Every in the 70s, every white guy had his fucking hair parted down the middle with a grizzly Adams beard Did you guys watch that saw yeah, I almost called it soft rock. That's what they used to call Did you watch that yacht rock documentary?

So much great music I still don't think that those musicians got there do So much great music. I still don't think that those musicians got their due. It's so funny. That is one of the most misunderstood genres of music. The level of fucking musicianship. They just look at it like, no, you know, like soft rock, like, yacht rock was like, you know... Like I'm not trying to like hurt anybody. And it's like, no, no, no. It was a level of musicianship beyond your fucking ears. It's so funny, like, like Stefan Wolf, you know, people get your motor running, babe.

Head out on the highway. And he's like, yeah, this is fucking music. This got fucking balls. And it's like fucking three chords. Putting gas in the car, holding on to your nuts. I can relate to this shit. See, out right there, that right there is a fucking man. He's singing a song about fucking gasoline.

And in that song is the first time he made reference to heavy metal. Is that where that name came for that genre? All of those fucking guys that have been labeled Yacht Rock, they ended up fucking playing on some of the best fucking albums of all fucking time. I know, it's weird. It's a strange thing, but I really did enjoy the documentary just to like see all that music. And I love that Donald Fagan told the kid

to go fuck himself, as he should have. You know what I mean? Fuck, what are you doing in your life that's at the level of the musicianship of Steely Dan? You know, you making cakes? Oh yeah, you making a Steely Dan level cake? Well then go fuck yourself, I'm not wasting my time talking to you.

Ba da da ba da, ba ba ba, ba da da da, mm mm mm. They didn't even bring up Steve Gadd. No Bernard Purdy, nothing. Anyway, have I talked long enough? Have I obligated myself in a podcast way? Did anybody else notice Anderson Cooper has a podcast? Is that right? It's not enough.

He's on CNN and he fucking has Vanderbilt money. He's got to come into my world and start taking Stamps.com money out of my fucking mouth. You think that guy's a liberal? I don't know. world and start taking stamps.com money out of my fucking mouth? You think that guy's a liberal? I don't know. He's a fucking capitalist. I'll tell you that right now. Someday I'm gonna run into him. I'm gonna run into him at that C and N building right in the cafeteria. Andy. Over here.

Hey, Anderson, this is a podcast table. Podcast only, okay? We do this because we want it. I did it way back when there was no money in it, okay? I didn't show up in a fucking limousine. Pad, will you come back to me? Um, I have to do some fucking ad reads here. I actually, I didn't even talk. I got back from New York.

My kind of town New York is. And, uh... I did the Hulu event. The big Hulu event. Hulu's going hard with the stand-up comedy man. They got all kinds of big fucking comedians over there and I was at the party, the big launch party. Roy Wood Jr., Jim Gaffigan. They got Sebastian, I'm over there, fuck it, a lot of Glaciers over there, they got all kinds of Bobby Lee, Inducentino. It was a fun party, man.

I had a good time. That's what I was back there doing. I was doing some press. So what's it like doing stand-up comedy? Do you want to sit down sometimes? Is that against the rules? How do you come up with your material? My favorite thing is when somebody fucking you're doing an interview and somebody just hands you a little let's happen That guy handed me a lapel mic

Like I was just gonna sit there and fucking hold it which I did a long time ago because I didn't know what a little I clipped it on my shirt like a fucking pro, and it was a good interview. I'm not shitting on the guy, but you know, just, the level of just, you know, I'd all started with Dress Down Fridays, and now, you know, years later, journalists hand you a fucking lapel mic,

like you're just gonna hold this thing like a fucking acorn and talk into it. Well, I first started doing stand-up comedy I'm in one time a long time ago. I Did this gig And all they had was a lapel mic and we were all so inexperienced It was me al del Benny Bobby Kelly and Patrice O'Neill And we did this gig and all they had was lapel mic. And they had it hanging on a mic stand.

And all we needed to do was just clip it on our shirt and then just do like, we were doing like a Ted talk, but none of us knew to do that. And Al was hosting and Al took it out and he was talking into it and he was making fun of like, why is this microphone so small? What am I supposed to do this? Because we just had the muscle memory

We all had like seven minutes material. We didn't know what to do with our hands So we needed to hold on to something like Linus and I remember one point he put the whole thing in his mouth And I was sitting there like dude. We all got to fucking go up there And we all looked ridiculous and my favorite thing ever was Patrice going up there six foot five giant hands holding this little lapel Microphone doing our first five minutes way back in the day Alright, let's let's do the ad reads here. And then this podcast will mercifully come to an end Oh, look who it is. Everybody Mando

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and I want all the comforts of home. That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible. Recently I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado and I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff and before we got to the gigs we were like, well let's just get an Airbnb and it is just a more comforting existence. You have a kitchen, you have a yard, you know, it's communal living. It's just a less stressful place, more enjoyable experience. So when I go on tour, you know, like I'll be going on tour in a couple of months. I always am like, well, could my place be an Airbnb?

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and absolutely just great human being Andrew Thamelis. Then we have a bonus half hour episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday Morning Podcast. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burn. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 5th, 2016, what's going on? Why you? You're doing your holiday shopping. Is that what you're doing? Oh my God, what do I get this person?

And there's just not enough time. Sleight of Bola, by the way, Sleight of Bola is still left. Yeah, you guys are in the same boat as me You know I handled some of the shit. I needed to handle You know I got fucking nieces and nephews and all this shit I got to take care of so I don't know what to do. You know what I'm gonna Do I'm gonna go on bill bird calm Click on the podcast page and click on the Amazon link and go straight to Amazon and kick me a little dough, baby

Huh? Oh, no bill you shouldn't have hey don't worry about it. kick me a little do-re-bi! Huh? Oh no Bill you shouldn't have. Hey don't worry about it I made a little bit of fucking cash sheesh on this one. Oh enjoy your remote control Lamborghini! Anyways, so I know the podcast is late I was gonna try to do it last night but unfortunately I had to go to a memorial service for my friend who died and it was a beautiful beautiful ceremony and also one of the saddest things I've ever seen with these young kids and everything and Didn't feel too funny last night, but I Learned a lot man. I learned a lot by going to that service I will tell you that because when they did the collage of his life in the end of it

The photos and the videos and everything like 99% of it was about him with his wife and Being a dad so it made me feel lucky That I'm gonna become a father definitely because I was thinking like what if I died right now What would the collage look like for me? It would just be a picture of me in a bunch of different comedy clubs. Ha ha ha, making weird faces. Obviously, the lovely Nia, but you know what I mean?

I was kind of like, what, me playing drums? What the fuck did I do to keep, you know, not to say that you have to have a fucking kid, because definitely, I think if you don't have a kid at this point, if you don't want to, that's a great fucking thing considering all the shit going on with the environment to not just have another person just to have a person.

But, you know, like with all of these things, the great thing was I got to see a bunch of comics that I had not seen in a while, and I will be seeing a bunch more this Tuesday night at the Laugh Factory, I believe the event is sold out. So thank you to everybody that came down and bought tickets I or how are the fuck you kids do it nowadays? I really appreciate it. It's gonna be the money's gonna be going to his twin boys But anyway, so yes, I went that was a very very heavy emotional night

So I did not feel remotely funny, because that was the thing. Oh, typical fucking psycho comic. I'm going to go to a memorial service for a friend of mine that I've known for almost 25 years, and then I'll come home, then I'll do my podcast after that. If you think some of my shit is bleak and dark,

yeah, I'm glad I did not record last night. So I had some shit to do this morning, I'm glad I did not record last night. So, I had some shit to do this morning. I'm a little bit late. Um, we're editing the season two of F is for Family and all that shit. Have I made you laugh yet? All I'm doing is telling you what I'm laying in my bed and I fucking blah blah blah, you know? Fully clothed, by the way.

Fully clothed this episode. Um, the NC17 Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast did not do well in the ratings as far as the feedback. It was something that we here at Monday morning podcast industries decided was maybe a different flavor we could throw to the podcast. Every once in a while I could just be wearing a robe with nothing underneath it that Nia could then comment on. you know it was like new coke that's that's all I would say I'm kidding actually with some of the

funniest fucking photoshop so I don't know if you guys saw him on Twitter the Sharon Stone was fucking yeah that was I don't know how you top that one that was great so anyways let's let's talk about life. Let's talk about the world. Let's talk about, hey, congratulations to everybody up there in the Dakotas that was fighting against the pipeline. Evidently, they've been at least able to stop it for now.

You know, good Lord, some of the shit that they were saying those corporations were doing, man, they were playing for keeps. They were saying at nighttime they had drones and they were coming in and they had this pepper spray water mixture they were spraying at the protesters. That whole thing is so fucked up because I was just like, why can't they just go down to Home Depot and buy some of those fucking things that makes the pipe make a 90 degree turn, go up the street a little bit,

and go around the shit. Evidently all the white towns, the cowboy side, I guess they tried to go through other people's towns and they were like, yeah, you're not running that shit through here. So even the white people didn't want it. I don't know. I guess what I'm saying is I should have bought a Tesla

Until they do the research and what those fucking batteries do once they finally take those out, you know I remember Michael Jordan telling me not to throw out my batteries you know, I Believe he was standing next to the children that sew together your sneakers. There's so much You know you can never you can never not get mud on your shoes No matter what you do like how the fuck mud on your shoes no matter what you do. Like how the fuck do you just, like no matter what you're doing, I do this and I'm not hurting anybody or the planet.

Just the mere fact that you're fucking here, you know, somebody is crying in a factory somewhere, right? Or the inverse, if you're the kid or the person working in the sweatshop, right? You gotta be doing something. You're probably taking it home with you, you you know coming home screaming at your wife that's my part of the concrete slab to sleep on right there's something who the fuck knows I don't know maybe I'm just an arrogant cunt in a first-world country

I have no idea but let's talk about Formula One racing here everybody Nico Rosberg dude the level of fucking drama ladies, if you ever wanted to get into a sport but you just find, you know, the four major ones in the US boring or you're not into soccer or whatever the fuck people watch around the world, cricket, you like drama, you like all of that shit. I highly suggest watching Formula One racing. This whole Nico Rosberg, Lewis Hamilton thing. Nico Rosberg, right? He's the upstart guy, as I said. He finally won his first championship

after being a bridesmaid the last couple years. This is my first year watching it, so I'm sure a lot of this shit I'll have wrong. He wins his first championship, all right? And then out of fucking nowhere, out of the fucking boo, he retired. He just said that's it, I'm done. And somebody tweeted that to me so I looked it up and I saw that it was true and the only clip I saw was him just standing there and his wife was talking the entire fucking time. So I'm just

sitting there looking going like wait a minute is this guy was this her decision you know he's got a kid on the way just like God Niko do you really have to drive again this weekend? Where? Abu what? I it's just so silly I mean you know I drive a car too, you know? I don't have to put a number on it and drive around S turns. It's just such a male testosterone thing. You're hurting the environment.

I don't know if he got in her ear, like the whole fucking Yoko thing, which people always say Yoko broke up the Beatles, which I don't believe that. I think John and Paul kept bringing their work home, bitching about one another. And after a while, both Linda and Yoko were like, hey, well, why don't you just quit?

I mean, you're not happy, right? And then they just threw that out there. And then their ego, you know, like they were called in their bluff. They couldn't be like, what would I do? I wouldn't have a band. I don't be like what but there what would I do? I would never bet I Don't know if I could write without him, right? So they just they they couldn't do that. So they just fucking I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about

Let's get back to the let's get back to the racing here So I didn't know if it was that version and then I read that uh, what's his face? That was a kiki Lada or whatever? He was trashing Nico Rosberg. Said he made them look silly and stupid and all of that. And I'm just sitting there, why the fuck would this guy quit? 31 years old, you just won your first one, now you're gonna walk away?

You know? Why would you do that? And then I was thinking, maybe it's his wife, he's got a kid coming along He just wanted he was very emotional He had the come down afterwards Within this the little bit of a Melancholy slash depression and then he like fuck now. I got to do this again and you got to

Climb back up the mountain again I don't think it's you know what I think it is I think that um. Lewis Hamilton was the favorite son. This is just total fucking guess at Mercedes. He's sick of dealing with that dynamic. You know. And he wanted to get out of his fucking contract and the only way out was to retire so he might leave for I don't know how long you know and then he'll come back with a different team there's no fucking way he's not coming back 31 years old there's no fucking way he's not coming back he's gonna take a year off get his kid up and running you know get the kid to be able to use the fucking shit right mama-dada, throttle, brake, right? You get to say a few fucking words

and then he's going to be right back out there again. You know? I think he's going to be out there and he's going to race for a different team. But here's the thing though. Those Mercedes cars were so fucking good that all they had to do was just get to the first turn. Whoever won the first turn, right?

Won the goddamn race it seemed. So I'm going to guess, I'm going to guess he's going to go with the Red Bull team because that was the only team that seemed to fucking win anything this year as far as the shit that I watched. But uh, Jesus Christ, so Nico's getting fucking trashed. People like what the fuck? Five reasons why he would quit. Um, Kiki Rosberg calls him a cunt or something. Nicky Lotta, sorry, Kiki. Nicky Lotta, I'm like combining names here, slams Nico Rosberg for making Mercedes look dumb. Dude, in that last race when Lewis Hamilton slowed down, because if Nico Rosberg came

in fourth place or worse, Lewis would have won the championship, so he deliberately slowed the fuck down to let the third and fourth place guys catch up, and then he disobeyed a direct order from his fucking pit crew. This is, I'm telling you, it's fucking Top Gun. You know, you two characters are going to Top Gun, right? They tell him to speed up,

and Lewis is like, nah, yeah, I'm good. I can still win this race. You two characters are going to Top Gun, right? They tell him to speed up. And Lewis is like, nah, yeah, I'm good. I can still win this race. Let's just fucking add 40 years of stress to this fucking guy. Maybe he'll spin out and I'll win. And Rosberg's also talked about sometimes, you know, when they're out on the track, he doesn't know how far Lewis is gonna go.

Is he gonna push me off the track? But Rosberg's done the same shit. He did that like twice He has this fucking move where he goes into a turn It's like goes straight for way too long and then oops at the last second turns away and drives some guy into the gravel Oh Jesus bill, you don't know anything about this sport. Do you? I

Don't know we'll see what the fuck happens, but that's my call I think he's gonna stay home for a year with this kid Right. He's gonna go out of his fucking mind as much as he's gonna love his kid much he's gonna love his wife the entire time that Kenny Logan song is gonna be going on in the background fucking something something do ba da ba dee ba doo Ike been ironing burning up right um whatever Johnny JFK said and then the guy in the fucking pump said he said I am a I'm an egg or I'm a cookie or something yeah it's gonna drive him up the fucking

wall and he's gonna have to go back out there again and uh you know and then I think he's gonna drive for the rest of his fucking career um that's my guess alright so there you go there's a whole bunch of shit how often you hear a bunch of Formula One talk on a fucking American podcast you know nothing I go fuck yourself hey how about that Patriots Rams game you know that's tremendous if anybody ever had trouble sleeping that would have been a great game to fucking watch Jesus Christ I actually did I, uh, you got to watch the game live with me on Facebook.

It was something last second we decided to try at All Things Comedy. So thank you for the 1,500 people or so that tuned in and watched me, uh, watch the game. I'm sure they'll put together some sort of clips from that. Um, so if you guys like it enough, if it gets enough hits, I might start doing that. I want to do it for boring fucking games, because if the game matters, you're not going to want to listen to me talking, but Patriots versus Rams, that's a good one, right? And all I do is I just do the first half. So anyways, I might do it with Joe Bartnik or somebody like that, maybe with Paul Verzi at some point. We'll figure it out. So anyways, I might do it with Joe Bartnik or somebody like that, maybe with Paul Verzi at some point.

We'll figure it out. So anyways, so I have to go to this memorial service last night. I was so proud of my friend that I could really see what a great husband and father he was. So I already knew the suit that I was going to wear. Because when you get to my age, it fucking sucks, man. You start losing people. And you have your funeral suit, you know? For a lot of people it was, I'm going to a wedding suit,

and then as you get older, that becomes, I'm going to a funeral, fucking sucks. So, you remember last year, I got into the best shape of my fucking life, and I went to put on the suit that I fucking bought during that time, Jesus Christ, I could barely get the pants done and I couldn't wear a tie to the event because I couldn't get the shirt closed.

And all I did, I put on like 15 fucking pounds. It's like how skinny was I? And I was just sitting there screaming at myself in the mirror. My mother, my, I don't know, my mother always told me when I, you know, she was always like fucking, I don't know, she was always honest about not being fat fuck kids, which is hilarious to me,

because who wants a fat fuck for a kid, right? So I'm sitting there screaming at myself in the mirror, right, and my wife is just sitting there fucking laughing her ass off at me. I'm going to go, look at you, look at you fucking disgust me, just completely trashing myself. Because that's how I get myself back into shape. So, um, I remember I mentioned last podcast that I was going to do a half hour cardio every fucking day this month. Because I'm not putting on the pigs in the blanket, fucking apple strudel, what's a good Christmas goose?

What do you have? What do people have? Chinese food to Jewish people, right? What's the shit that everybody fucking eats this month? Makes you a fat fuck. All of the stuff, the pies, the cookies, the Christmas party, the booze, all of that shit. You end up putting on all this fucking weight. Then what happens? everybody joins a fucking gym

Everybody joins the gym in January right and it's just fucking mobbed Right and all you got to do is just hang in there to about the second week of February and everybody just starts dropping off Like the baton death march or some shit, right? Such a fucked-up reference, but I've been watching a lot of World War II shit. I probably even said it wrong. Did I say baton, like what you twirl? The Baton Death March, it was a bunch of high school bands that had to walk to the prom that none of them had dates to.

Oh, Bill, do you have to be that mean? Well, you know what, I don't. But it's funny, isn't it? Isn't it? Anyways, so you know what, I don't. But it's funny, isn't it? Isn't it? Anyways, so you know what's great? Why don't you beat the fucking new person to the gym rush? Why don't you do yourself a favor and not go into the new year 15, 20, 30, 40, 50 pounds

overweight, let's say you knock that number, what's that first number? Huh? Unless you're in triple digits. You know, I don't want to fucking give you too much. But if you got a double digit figure, you're trying to lose. Let's say you're 20 pounds overweight.

Why don't you try to get that two down to a one? You know? Get that 18 down to a fucking nine. Get that 20 down to a 10. Just knock it down. Run some fucking miles off your fucking odometer right come on admit it good nobody's looking nobody's looking at cubicle reach down reach down grab grab a handful I look at you huh that's so

that's what you're gonna do you're gonna add to that Jesus Christ come on say it with me I'm a fat cunt right just say one two three I'm a fat cunt. Right, just say it. One, two, three. I'm a fat cunt. All right? Ha ha ha. Then the first thing you gotta do is admitting it to yourself. That you've lost control over so many of those fucking Christmas cookies.

But let's be honest, they don't really taste that good. A lot of them are bad shortbread with some shitty frosting and some sprinkles on it, right? You don't need that shit, right? Half hour. Half hour every day. Make a goddamn playlist. You know what's funny is I've actually, because I'm so dreading doing cardio, rather than listening to some testosterone aggressive shit, like I actually was listening to like Paul Simon like my cardio thing starts off with something so right by Paul Simon which when you really listen to that song I should look up the fucking my internet doesn't work down here the fucking lyrics are really annoying he's

like when something goes wrong I'm the first to admit it I'm the first to admit it but the last one to know whoa whoa right so he's already said like you know hey if there's something wrong like I'm the first one to admit it I just never know what that is I don't know if it yeah fuck you Paul Simon you cunt I hate when people do that you know what I mean? They just, they know, they fucking say that they're an asshole and then they take no responsibility for it because hey man, I just don't, like it's hard for me,

it's just like hard for me to tell when I'm being a total selfish douche. Come on Paul, you know that, okay? If you can do a fucking sound check, okay, and you can hear that the horns are too far down in the mix, you can't tell me that you can't be in a car with somebody else and not hear that you're being a fucking asshole.

You know? And then the rest of it is, when something goes right, oh it's like you lose me, it's apt to confuse me. Like he's just like, oh, oh, oh, let's all stop and help Paul Simon You know that's why I married that Edie Burkel. I'm telling you you know what I mean

No fucking broad his age was gonna put up with his horse shit He had a he had to find some young chick that was still fucking wide-eyed You know slightly confused what I am What we are right she didn't know what the fuck she didn't know which way was up all right goddamn oversized sweater fucking walking around he fucking shows up like you know I mean I mean if something goes wrong I'm the first to admit it but yeah I I never seem to know I'm like the last guy to know Paul you're a nice person. Right? Next thing you know he's behind her, just banging away.

His fucking toupee's slapping off the back of his head. Right? That's how the whole fucking thing went down. And in the meantime, Edie Raquel and the New Bohemians, right, that, you know, for a pop band. I mean, those guys could play. Great guitarist, and a great fucking drummer. And what happened?

Fucking Paul Simon comes up with his hat in hand, showing up, you know. Paul Simon got, he got hair plugs right after, I think, Elton John. And Elton John got the original one, so like, you know, his head was so scarred up. That's why when he was real coked up in the 80s, he was wearing like those mannequin wigs

because, I don't know what I'm talking about. I think, I had the grocery store and read a few too many Us magazines. And his, how the fuck did I get on, oh, we're talking about working out. Okay, I'm not here to talk about Paul Simon and Edie's fucking relationship. I think I overstepped a few lines there. Especially during this holiday month, so I apologize.

Alright, so I start with that, then I go into one trick pony, then I go 50 ways to leave your lover with Steve Gadd on drums. Oh, by the way, he's coming to town with fucking Eric Clapton. Somebody offered me a fucking ticket and I forgot to get back to him. I've seen Steve Gad live before but I never saw Eric Clapton. But anyways it goes to that and then I go and I listen to what the fuck do I listen to? A couple of

pretenders songs. Then I get into Aerosmith's first fucking album. And then I'm done. Right? Just like that. I eased my way. Eased my way. You know, I start off really easy, then I get to mid-range, and then I just get to Aerosmith's first fucking one.

That's what I did. Because what I was doing before, I was like regretting, like not regretting, hating doing cardio, and I was starting off with like fucking Iron Maiden or Dr. Feelgood, you know what I mean? Like that's not like if you're just waking up and you're getting on a fucking elliptical. It's all, he's one that calls out the feelgood,

he's one that ain't feelgood, right? It's just like, Jesus, Vince Jesus Vince Vince for fuck's sakes These guys at least I could start with home sweet home, right, you know, I'm a dreamer You know, I just realized we have company upstairs once I put the headphones on like I don't even fucking realize I don't give a shit So I was listening to that and like Iron Maiden You know, it's just like creeps you out. Like you're fucking getting on an elliptical. Half groggy because I got to go into work and shit, right?

Starting your day off. We want information. Information. Information. Who are you? The new number two. Who is number one? You are number six, right? How about Vincent Price?

That little fuckin' work he got in the early 80s, man. He was fuckin' crushin' it, huh? Woe to you, O earth and sea, for the devil sends the beast with wrath, because he knows that time is short. Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a human number its number is

666 a babba do babba do babba do that right He get eaten and he was on fucking Michael Jackson's thriller, right? Yeah Fucking crazy laugh in the end. I can't remember The funk of 40,000 years. I never really listened to Michael Jackson. I was one of those people who had to pretend to be sad when he died. You know what I'm?

I'm looking at the man in the mirror. You know? Shamu. Take off. Uncle Gook, Doc. Go ha. Right, it just never spoke to me. I liked his shit when he was a kid.

Oh baby, give me one more chance. I liked his shit when he was a kid. Oh baby, give me more and more chance. I liked right up to off the wall. And somewhere, I don't know. I guess I liked some of, like Billie Jean was okay. Thriller I thought was stupid. You know? You know, actually, thriller isn't stupid. You know what it is?

It's fucking whenever it comes on, everybody has to start doing the Thriller dance, and they always start with the same thing where it's the claws up in the air on either side. Always, always. There's always somebody doing a fucking Michael Jackson impression, you know? You know what's interesting about that guy,

as great as he was, the balls of me to critique critique this man is like he was one of those guys he he had the sickest fucking dance moves and then he just stopped and he kept with the loafers and he kept doing the leg thing and he kept grabbing his dick and then everybody kind of caught up and went past him even though he was still always the greatest dancer of all time he was it was like he was doing the Charleston his whole his whole fucking life bad do got do here comes the moonwalk right somebody can't even remotely fucking dance oh the fucking balls I'm showing on this pocket oh let's keep going what other fucking legend can we keep,

can we trash next? Yeah, I never got into, I never get, like when there was, it was always like Prince versus Michael Jackson, like to me, it was, it was always Prince. It wasn't even close. And I don't know. Prince is funny because his bad songs always sound like songs that Molly Ringwald would have danced around to in like 16 candles. Like he's got a couple of those we just like, Jesus. I guess everybody's got those right? And if he has one of those, jeez Bill can you trash any more dead geniuses? Yeah I can't. Let's go, let's start talking, let's talk about Mark Twain in fucking Albert Can you trash any more dead geniuses? Yeah, I can't. Let's go, let's start talking, let's talk about Mark Twain and fucking Albert Einstein.

Is it me or do they both have the same fucking barber? What was it about being a genius back then or someone who was changing the way people were thinking that you just, you had to have that fucking, that same fucking do. It was Sammy, the Sammy Hagar in Van Halen fucking do, except it was white, right? Mark Twain had it,

fucking Albert Einstein had it, Frederick Douglass had that with that fucking itchy beard. Everybody had that, when you fucking are just too goddamn smart, you know what I mean? Like shit, I don't know, you just got too much shit to think about. There's something about that hairdo

that just, it's just the perfect thing. I bet Sammy looks back and was like, why did I cut my hair like that? It was, you know what, the haircut he got was like when he was younger, when he had the longer hair, that's like the chick you marry. And then like after she has a couple of kids and she just I just don't want to deal With it anymore. He got like literally got that fucking haircut, you know Just short of are you sad that you?

You know, are you moving towards an alternative lifestyle here? Like what is going on with that thing? That was just a bad fucking period, huh? They were wearing those those peach fucking flashdance fucking overalls I Don't know All right, Sammy Hagar. I think Sammy Hagar would have been better if he didn't join Van Halen. Oh, I'm going after I'm fucking I'm talking about everybody this week. I don't know what I'm doing here. I, I'm going after, I'm fucking, I'm talking about everybody this week. I don't know what I'm doing here. I think I'm going for fucking a reality show right now.

You ever hear that song Heavy Metal by Sammy Hagar? I like that better, and you watch him performing with his own fucking, I'm gonna fucking tweet that, I'm gonna tweet that fucking video this week. You know what I mean? You tell me that anything he did in Van Halen, not trash in Van Halen,

because I fucking love those guys, but I'm just saying, Sammy shouldn't have jumped in there. He should have kept going, he was on a path. The man could not drive 55. All right? Tall in heavy metal, right? He was fucking great. I don't know what happened.

Then all of a sudden, I got the best of both worlds. Right, I don't know what happened. Ugh, my fucking voice is cracking. All right, I think I've trashed enough people that are way, way, way more talented than I'll ever be. So now it's time, now it's time to say goodbye

to all you fucking cunties. I gotta read a little bit of advertising. Oh, and there's a lot, oh a lot this week. Everybody pilin' on, trying to get your holiday money. Trying to get that holiday money. Oh, look who's back! Alright, let's get to some of the questions here for this week. Hey, did you guys see over in England there?

They got the fucking, they got some shit that would even make Snowden go, goddamn, I didn't even think of that. They got some snooping thing over there where they're just gonna, everybody, anything you do on your phone or on the internet or anything like any of that shit, they can just look at it.

It's fucking unbelievable. It's unbelievable. Pope presidential election goes by, they never talk about any of that shit. Why the fuck do you think that is? Oh fucking Obama, right? He was in office when all that snowed and shit went through. The big fucking liberal. All you pussies who cried when Hillary didn't get in.

You see what the fuck happened when Obama was in. Ah, bunch of babies. I'm so disappointed. Anyways, let's read some fucking shit here. Here we go. Advice on the future. Dear Bill Murphud, first of all, congrats on the kid, new special, yada yada, thank you.

I'm an 18 year old guy out of high school and need career advice. I graduated with honors, good for you. Straight A's, Jesus, and all that crap, but I currently don't attend college and am working some shit job in a pasta factory. Sounds like you're burned out on the academics there.

Oh, he said, this is because what I really want to do is sing, parentheses, classical shit, take piano lessons and be happy. My dream isn't to be famous or anything, but I love music and want to pursue it. Problem is I have zero background. Can't sing, can't play anything, literally zero. There's a great place nearby where I live that gives vocal and piano lessons, and all I want to do is start training my voice

and start playing, but I feel like there's no point because I have no experience. Jesus Christ, dude, you know what it is? You're one of these people, you got Christ, dude, you know what it is? You're one of these people, you got straight A's, you're an overachiever, and you're so goddamn smart. Every time you come up with the option, when the normal level of fear comes up,

smarties like you can come up with, like rather than just 10 reasons not to do it, you'll come up with 1,000, and you're paralyzed right now now is what's going on. He said, I spend my free, you're only 18 years old, dude. You know, nobody has any experience till they, till they start experiencing it. You're already being way too hard on yourself. He goes, all right. He goes, I spend my free time listening to countless covers of the same song,

watching videos on vocal exercises and fantasizing about being a singer one day. I feel I can really do it sometimes, but other times I feel like not even trying. Yeah, dude, yeah, that's, okay, that first emotion where you feel like trying to do it, you need to listen to that. That second one that talks you out of it, you need to stop listening to that voice.

You need to out loud tell that voice to shut the fuck up. That's what I did. I literally were talking to the, you gotta beat the fuck out of that voice. That one that goes, no, no, yeah, but what if this happens? Oh, nobody's gonna like me. Sit down and shut the fuck up. All right?

I don't need you on this one. I need you when I'm thinking about doing heroin. Then I need you going like, well, if you get addicted and you die and you make everybody cry. Yeah, yeah. Then I'll listen to you. But not when you're going after a dream. You don't listen to any of that negative shit because you'll talk yourself out of it. Anyways, I know you always preach about following your dream but when it actually comes to doing it, it's very scary. Of course it is. However, I know you always preach about following your dream, but when it actually comes to doing it, it's very scary. Of course it is. However, I don't want to be 40 years old and think, man, what if?

My 99-year-old aunt always tells me to do what I want and forget about money, but my parents say that I need a real job. Well, who has more life experience? Your 99-year-old aunt. And what is she saying? Your parents, they're too close to you. They're worried you're going gonna be homeless and all that shit So they're always gonna say just get a fucking job

So you can have enough money to put a roof over your head and eat a sandwich That's that's all they're thinking of nobody dreams of that Nobody dreams about just having a roof over their head and eating a sandwich Unless you're I don't know unless you live in some fucking squalor, right? But even then after a while once you had the roof over your head then you're gonna at some't know, unless you live in some fucking squalor, right? But even then, after a while, once you have the roof over your head, then you're going to at some point be like, I want to do something. Right?

I don't know. Anyways, I've been in between for a year. I've been in between for a year now and need help. I don't want to get massively in debt for something I don't really want. That is so fucking smart. All these poor kids coming out of fucking college, hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt at this fucking point, or at least the high 10,000s, you know. That's when you love being a fucking moron, you know, because then you go to community

college, it doesn't cost shit. You work at Dunkin' Donuts, throw a couple of coffees at people and all of a sudden you got money for your next semester. Maybe pursuing music will open doors to majoring in music in the future. I don't know. What should I do, you pale bitch? PS, give Cleo a head scratch for me. Pitbulls are awesome. And then he says, Asian need advice from Bill Burr.

Oh, that's the next person. Is that it? Oh, alright. Yeah, you know what's fucked up? I was going to say, oh, you're Asian. Dude, you're going to crush the piano. That's one of those stereotypes that I guess is racist, but it's like positive racism. You know what I mean? Don't take up the cello. You'll be playing for your fucking major cities Philharmonic All right, this is what I would do I Would just start taking lessons immediately I would sign up immediately I would not listen to the rest of this podcast hit stop walk over to the phone call the number and get a lesson as soon as

You can go to the lesson Okay, and then keep going and and just see what that feels like Don't stop after one and be like well. I only went to one I can't even play chopstick yet Fuck this. Fuck that voice. Keep going. All right? Just say, I'm going to stick with this for three months.

All right? That's the big thing with anything. You got to stick with it for three months and really work at it. Working out, learning an instrument, learning a language. God knows I always end up quitting. I can't even get fucking a hundred days together. Just stick with it and see how you feel after three months. If you feel like this isn't for me, you're not going to have that, well, what if, what if bullshit because you tried it. So this isn't, you're not making a decision that's going to affect the rest of your life. Don't look

at it like that. You're just looking at the next three months. The next three months's going to affect the rest of your life. Don't look at it like that. You're just looking at the next three months. The next three months are going to happen. Do you want to, after 90 days, still be sitting there going, I have no experience, I don't know what to do, working in a pasta place? Or you want to be in this fucking pasta place

and you know how to play a couple of songs? Dude, you'd be fucking excited, man. If you actually, if this is what you really want to do, you'll be at work thinking about it. Can't wait to get home and play the fucking piano. Or try my singing some songs or whatever. And then once you get that, then that gets in your DNA. And when you have stuff to look forward to in life,

all of a sudden shit that you don't look forward to, you start looking at it like, why the fuck am I doing this? This sucks, you know? I don't want to do this. And then that gets you out of that, and you start going down a path of what the fuck you want to do. Then, the other side of that is then,

your whole fucking life is nothing but fun shit. Then when you actually have to do shit that you don't want to do, like go down to the fucking DMV and find the title for your goddamn Prius, right? Then you can be a big fucking baby about it. So there's always a price to pay. But dude, that's what I would do.

I would stop listening right now and sign up for those lessons. And go in there and just tell your teacher, say this is something I've always wanted to do. I'm just nervous about it. Just fucking just say what you said to me. And they'll be like, alright, alright, well let's get you on that dude. You'll be fucking playing piano. Boom!

That's how easy it is to make a change in your life. Just fucking pick up the phone, say what you want to do, and then when it's time you show up and you do it, and then you're doing it, you know? You just got to get around all those mental blocks. So I hope you listen to me man, because you're doing it, you know? You just gotta get around all those mental blocks. So I hope you listen to me, man, because you're only 18 years old.

So it's not like you're 50, 60, and even then I would still tell you to do it, because who gives a fuck whether you get anywhere with it, but if you want to do that, you know you should do it. All right, that's it for that, okay. Asian needs advice from Bill Burr. Bill, I love your podcast and you're really awesome. Asian male, Chinese with squinty fucking eyes

and can't drive for shit. Dude, you don't got to shit on yourself. Anyways, I need your advice. I came to America, I guess I always do, I'm a bald pasty cunt. Anyways, I need your advice. I came to America a year ago and I really love tall, slim Irish German girls with red hair. Jesus Christ, I just missed being your fucking dreamboat.

I think they're beautiful. Well, I'm not tall, am I? Blonde is beautiful too. Never seen such beauty where I'm from, holy moly. The problem is I'm not like tall and confident like white guys and I live in Texas Jesus Christ dude this is a fucking reality show waiting to happen I tried to ask this redhead at the gym out and she won't take me seriously all right time the fuck out dude hat off to you for the fucking balls you got. You came here from China, you've learned the fucking language, right? You're in Texas, you're at the gym, you're talking

shit, right? Gives a fuck. You went up to the plate, you didn't get on base. Who gives a shit? Talk to another redhead. Talk to a blonde. Talk to whatever fuck you want to keep talking to him. Say, what do I need to do to date a redhead? Oh, Jesus Christ. Wait, because I'm a redhead? Like I know there's some secret fucking handshake? He said they want me to be their Asian friend, but I really want to marry them, bang them, and have cute kids.

This is driving me nuts. I mean, am I going against nature? Is an Asian guy dating white girls frowned upon and not accepted in America? Thanks in advance, I don't really cuss that much and don't mean to offend you, but wanted to talk and act like you. Jimmy Chow out.

Yeah, okay, is Asian guys dating white guys frowned upon? Like everything is frowned upon in every fucking country. Generally speaking, people are afraid of anything fucking new. Who gives a shit? Literally, like, that guy before me who said he wanted to play piano, if he told somebody he wanted to do that, you know, I think initially people would be encouraging

or whatever, there's always gonna be people telling you not to do shit. Is this what you want to do, sir? Yes, then I would go out and do it. All right, so it sounds like to me from your email that you've You know, I don't know. It's like you just got into the majors. Okay, it's the first week. You haven't gotten your first hit yet What are you gonna do? You're just gonna quit? Go back down to the minors? Fuck that. I would keep talking. Every time you hit on a woman, you get better at it.

And I would just continue. You're doing everything you need to do. You're going to the gym, you're staying in shape, and you're talking shit. I don't see anything wrong with your game plan other than you know it hasn't happened for you yet, and This is something You know it's gonna take a minute You know if you just walk up and talk to some chick at the gym and get laid I mean then everybody would be fucking doing it the reason why most people don't do it is because they know that

99.9% of the time you're going to get the fucking Heisman. Hey, easy, easy. This is my elliptical over here, this is your elliptical over there, right? Fuck off, right? And for all the women there going like, can you just like not hit on us at the gym? Can you just fucking not?

Can I just have this fucking place? Hey, they make gyms for that. They make the all ladies fucking gyms, all right? The fuck, you're going to go there working out, looking good, and then you're upset They make gyms for that. They make the all ladies fucking gyms, alright? The fuck, you're gonna go there working out looking good and then you're upset that a guy's coming up and hitting on you? Some day, ladies, some days they're not gonna want to talk to you.

Take it from somebody, okay? Who the women, they don't even like, you don't even like register. Like I'm like, I'm a sir. I became a sir or a mister like fucking 15 years ago. And it's over? Alright, okay. Boyfriends obsessed with video games. Now I know somebody's gonna send me an email,

well I was fucking thinking about talking about some borderline sexual assault thing. Obviously that's not what I'm talking about. I'm just talking about a little playful flirtation of someone who wants to fuck ya. Boyfriends obsessed with video games. How far into this podcast am I? Alright, this one's gonna be a little bit short. I usually go a little over an hour, but uh,

that's one I'm gonna have to stop today, cause I gotta go into fucking, I gotta go to Woyk. Ummm... Boyfriends obsessed with video games. Hey Buffalo Bill, I love your podcast and I'm a huge fan. My boyfriend and I love, both love to listen to your rants about whatever bullshit comes to mind. I myself have ADD and can find myself rambling about something completely different than whatever it was I started to ramble about. Anyway, my boyfriend has always been a huge fan of video games and he can play them all day if he could. More recently, he has been obsessed with one game in particular for the last 8 plus months

and has really put a strain on our relationship. He will turn on his Xbox from the second he gets home until about 4 hours before he has work the next morning. Jesus. So we pretty much spend no time together unless it's me watching him play with his friends. He talks to his friends while he plays online, in which case even if I do say something to him, he either doesn't hear me or just ignores me. I've tried talking to him about it and he refuses to change or compromise. It's even started to affect our sex life. Well, I imagine it would because he has no

time for sexy time. We're both still young and in our late 20s and I hate that I'm practically begging him to turn off the game so we can canoodle in the sheets. I've been contemplating just breaking off our relationship of five plus years because it's been this way for months and it has only gotten worse. I'd love to hear what the wise Nia has to say breaking off our relationship of five plus years because it's been this way for months and it has only gotten worse. I'd love to hear what the wise Nia has to say as well. Thanks for all the good laughs and congratulations on both of yous on the new baby birth.

Thank you. Unfortunately, Nia's not here. Let me see if I can get her. Hold on one second. Okay, she's on her way down. I would say, first of all, you've been together for five plus years. Initially my first thought when you were doing this

is what I would do, what would make me pay attention is I would just start going out with your friends and just start wearing fucking sexy outfits and shit and he'll get the message immediately. If you walk out the door looking good, and he's sitting there fucking, playing video games and stuff, and he, if he doesn't get that hint, then yeah,

you gotta be thinking like, well what the, this guy's just, this guy's more interested in this shit than what I'm doing over here with my fucking Christmas leggings, going out to a Christmas party, dressed like a fucking hot piece of doing over here with my fucking Christmas leggings going out to a Christmas party dressed like a fucking hot piece of ash over here. That's what the fuck I would do. You've already tried to talk to them.

I gotta be honest with you. I understand people becoming obsessed with video games. It's why I don't play them. But to me, I'm a bit of a cunt when it comes to video games. To me, that's a child activity. You know what I mean? Like, what is this person working towards? What do they have for a fucking job?

They come home from their job and they just play a video game for the whole fucking rest of the day. It does not sound like a driven man. That's another fucking red flag. So that's what I would, I would just start building a life. Initially initially I would start building a life without him to see if he notices, and maybe you guys can get back to where you were

or if he doesn't notice, then you already have a head start on getting the fuck away from this guy. So the lovely Nia's here, I'm going to hit pause and let her read this email. Or Nia, if you just want to, you can just read this while I continue to ramble here it starts right here my boyfriend's been a fan of the video games yada yada yada knowledge shit so that's that's basically that's what I would do and as I mentioned a long time ago the last video game that I played it was Grand Theft Auto 3 and it literally consumed my life. I would be walking to the comedy clubs getting on a bus and I would be thinking about the game when I wasn't even I wasn't even at home. I'd be waiting to go on stage thinking about

okay you know I'll finish this set I'll go home and I'll use the cheats and I'll just go on a fucking rampage and all that shit And it just kind of took over my life. So here's the lovely Nia with her advice. Oh First of all, can I just say that this problem really sucks and It's really annoying and that you're both in your 20s and he's like addicted to playing video games I'm sorry but that's a lame ass and you need to move on. Seriously? Five years? Five plus years? It's been this way for months and it's only gotten worse. Yeah. You said you tried to talk to him about it and he refuses to change or a compromise. Well

it's just yeah and he obviously has priorities for this video game. I don't know if he is there something else going on in your relationship or did he have some kind of something bad happen recently that he doesn't want to deal with or something? And that's why he's so consumed by the video games. Because I'm just trying to think like normal, healthy, happy person just all of a sudden— Doesn't want to bang his broad. Yeah, and hands over his life to a video game.

I feel like something happened, and he's not able to— You talk too quietly. Okay, because you're sticking it in my face. Well, because you do this, and you start talking all the way over here, and the people can't hear you. Oh, okay. Looking at the levels here. Oh, all right. Sorry. That's all right. I'll be here and the people can't hear you.

I'm talking at the levels here. I would not necessarily say, listen, it's the video games or me, but you can just say something along those lines of, listen, I feel like I'm not a priority in your life and if that's the case, then we really need to talk about this relationship because if you're not into it then Just let me go so I can find somebody who's into me and it's gonna pay attention to me and not their Xbox This is what I was saying She should do she should just fucking dress like a whore and go out that night and just see if he notices like just Have like fucking you know The fucking thigh highs on and all that shit if he doesn't get it then. Thigh highs?

Yeah, just dressed like a fucking whore. What do you mean thigh highs? There's stockings, they go up to your thighs and then they stop and there's this glorious little fucking hint of leg. You're so old that you feel like women are going out in like thigh highs, like they're like saloon mistresses, like on Westworld. Why, because I came of age in the 1800s Why you guys why you act like you guys don't always whore it up every fucking holiday

You'll whore it up on your birthday. You'll whore it up on Halloween. You'll whore it up on Christmas sex it up It's called being sexy sexing it up sexing it up when you clam on the fucking ladder That's what you guys do. It's different. Yeah titties out on the fucking ladder. Clam peeking out from underneath the sheet. That's what I think that you don't necessarily want to fully admit to. He's made his choice. He's more interested in the video game for whatever reason. He won't talk about it. He won't compromise. He's made his choice.

Maybe he's not into the relationship anymore. Is that a possibility? Is it a possibility that he... Maybe she needs to whore it up. She's saying she's like trying to she's trying to like beg him To even have sex which is ridiculous it could be that he is just not into the relationship anymore and He's such a fucking pussy ass puss that he's waiting for you to be the one to dump him because a lot of people What is he? A pussy ass puss?

What is that? A pussy has puss. What is that? I don't even know. But you know, some people are, they don't want to be the bad guy or they're just immature and cowardly. So they don't want to say, listen, I think we should break up because they feel guilty because it's been five plus years. So they do shit like this to like make you be the one to break up with them because they're cowards.

You know what I mean? So it is possible. So in conclusion, what are you saying? I'd say dump his ass, bye. There you go. All right, see that? All right, Nia, you want to listen to me read out loud? Oh God. I know.

You know what's going to be hilarious? This fucking baby realizes that I'm not good at reading. What age do you think they're going to be? Fucking turn around and kind of look up at me like, mommy doesn't sound like this. You'll be good at reading like children's stories. All right, I walked into that one. All right, here's some adult advertising.

Guess what folks, that's a podcast for this week's, this week's, this week. And I got to get the fuck out of here because I got to go to work gotta go edit and it and it and it and it so uh That's it. Go fuck yourselves, and I will check it on you on Thursday What's up everybody welcome back to the anything better podcast show NFL edition going into week number 14 With your host Paul Verzi Bill Burr We got the Greek Freak producer and of course Jake the snake on our injury report before we get started with today's show

I got a shout out the bed MGM app the bed MGM Best lines out there guys, and if you use our code, that's burr burr You can you well first of all you got to download the app. That's how you get started. Four easy steps. And then you put up to ten dollars in, okay? And then you put a wager in with ten dollars, and if your bet loses, you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets after your first wager is settled. Very easy. Gamble responsively. I was lucky this week because I went four and oh, but one of them had me on the fucking one of them had me actually I just looked at you're almost four years

in a row beating the book. This isn't luck at this point. Well, we'll see it's only I'm only a couple you know, I'm not fully up yet. I got to be like 15 to 20 up. But anyway, how far up are you just I think I'm 12 games. I think I'm 12 games above. Dude, that's fucking insane. You went down like seven, eight games. I was down eight. I was down eight games after week five. That's a 20 game turn around

dude. Yeah, well, you know, don't fucking play modest. Hey Bill, I know you're walking around your house talk Paul birdie. Modest Paul Verzezi, I don't know that guy. Bill, I gotta tell you something. I think it's gonna put you in a good mood.

You see the hat I'm wearing right now? Does it look familiar? This was the hat I threw off of my head on the 18th green in Vegas. Oh, my God, that was one of my favorite things ever. The glasses first. Aah! Chipped in. And then I hugged a stranger that I just met two hours earlier. That was my favorite things ever. The glasses first. Ah!

Chipped in. And then I hugged a stranger that I just met two hours earlier from behind. He was your caddy. He was your caddy. He was a caddy, but I hugged him from behind and screamed, yeah! Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Paul, what's going on in New York? We were just talking about it. That CEO got fucking whacked. Oh my God, dude. You know what's funny? I was sitting there reading an article, guy. They go, oh my God, he's going on in New York? We were just talking about it. That CEO got fucking whacked. Oh my God, dude. You know what's funny? I was sitting there reading an article guy,

they go, oh my God, he's such a great guy. He had a wife and kids and he's such a great guy. And then you find out he and the other guys he's working for are getting sued for $121 million for dumping a stock and not letting the other people know. It's like, there's your motive. Dude, anytime I hear CEO of one of the biggest healthcare, it's like, you don't wish it on anybody.

You feel horrible for his kids and his wife, of course. But dude, when I saw that and I saw- What was the- What is more heartless than a fucking CEO of a corporation? The decision in healthcare, the decisions that they make, this is the thing. I'm not saying what happened should have happened, but I'm just, for them to be like, oh, this is like, why would anybody they make, this is the thing. I'm not saying what happened should have happened, but I'm just for them to be

like, oh, this is like, why would anybody want to do this? It's like they're denying claims and people are dying. The food supply is poison. It's like the the fucking motive out there is wild. It's right up there Paul with getting life insurance. The second you get life insurance, whoever is the beneficiary immediately has motive. You are now worth such and such amount of money if you're not alive.

And there you are talking. That's the first time in my lifetime, in my lifetime where I saw surveillance of something that was like a fucking movie where the guy just stood out holding the gun, silencer hat shot him and just went off. That was fucking wild to see my buddy who's a cop, like was like, did you see the surveillance and when I saw him step out, I was like, is this real? That was nuts, dude. That was so funny. Is this real? Paul, are you watching the world? I was fucking Vladimir

Putin. He's over there. He's got like musk. He just he fucking put the cologne on and all of a sudden you start breaking out like three days later, you're dead. Fucking brutal. I thought the most disturbing thing about it was that they had surveying camera surveillance of the guy from there all the way up to Central Park. It's like what sort of big brother city is that? Yeah. Yeah. And they Yeah, and then they got him in a bank now. And they were like, dude, that's not the same fucking guy, like different jacket, different. I don't think they know. They got him a cup of coffee. Well, this is the thing, Paul, they did. The thing about those, those murders is if there's no fucking connection to you, to you and the victim you've never met, you've never spoken, you have no priors or anything like that, that's, that you're in the wind. Like, I don't know how the fuck you would get that. They got, he's covered up like this. I don't know, it's, it's, it's, you know, it's fucked up, Paul, as I've been doing a bit in my act, talking about how it was better when the mob was running shit,

because they were regulated simply because what they were doing was illegal. And I know they were making a bunch of money, but they couldn't be flashing around. They had wars. They whacked each other and shit. And I was saying, like, how fucking great would it be to see, like, you know, the head of fucking, you know, Walmart gets whacked by the head of the fucking Target guy, have a nice old fashioned fucking war, just thin the herd and keep everybody honest. But the problem is those guys are all on

the legal side of stealing. And all of those politicians, they give the politicians the heads up and then they turn around. They make these, they make all these fucking money. Andrew, what the fuck were you saying? Nancy Pelosi just made 9 million bucks on some shit. They're gangsters, dude. Fucking gangsters. And then when one of them gets whacked or something, they're like, oh, good, he was such a good guy. It's a dirty game, Paul, healthcare, healthcare, dirty game. It's a dirty game. I tweeted last night. I go, the CEO of Aetna called a meeting today.

They're going to relook at some of those claims they denied. Jesus dude. Yeah. And so I heard an ex military guy go cause two, two ex military guys talked and then John Walsh from America's Most Wanted to talk. John Walsh doesn't think it was a professional. This ex-military guy said the way he was standing and the way he held his gun was definitely some training involved. But the weird thing was knowing the guy was going to be there at 6 a.m. in the morning,

they said the dude knew he'd be there and the dude was there for hours. But here's my question, Paul. Why is there this level of coverage? Somebody gets gunned down in New York every fucking day. Now all of a sudden all these experts have to weigh in. Yeah. That's because of the status. We can't have white guys in suits getting whacked.

Like we gotta find this fucking guy. Do that, like that thing right there, dude. That fucking right there, that sent a ripple shockwave. Dude, Bill Clinton fucking got up from Epstein Island and said, what happened? I think that, no, no, he said, I think the record shows. I think the record, no, no, I'm saying like, those people are all talking about it

under their mountain or whatever. That fucking thing, dude, they don't give a fuck. Paul, if you came up and you whacked me because I fucking took your fucking whatever, your pics for the week, that's fucking page 19 of the post. You start whacking a fucking CEO when a white guy in a suit can't walk

into a five-star fucking hotel without getting shot by a silencer. Yeah, they get nervous. Yeah, dude, That was man. Yeah, it was insane. I feel bad for his family and all of that type of stuff. I'm not saying that shit, but I'm sitting there, you know, I'm sitting there saying, I think I'm a coffee hit ball. Oh, the lights come on. Gingers do not look good with overhead lighting. Especially bald ones. I'm just saying this thing that they're showing, the way they're spinning, how dangerous is New York that a white guy in a suit can't walk around? It's like that's not why they're doing that, dude. That's because hey, that guy was making us a lot of fucking money.

Dude, I bet all those Giuliani guys were going, dude, was that you? Did you call that? Was that us? Was that us? Because I didn't hear in the meeting. Am I next? Am I next? Oh, dude, there was some- They were all nervous going, wait a minute,

wait a minute. That's actually a great point. Please tell me that was just some random dude. That's a great- Because if that was inside and I didn't know that that was happening? Is that, I got a green light on me? He starts dying his hair again. Yeah, man, that was, I just feel for the kids. That's all I give them.

I do too and I feel for his wife and I also feel for that guy because I looked at his dumb face. And I'm like, this guy just did this career. And it's just as you're moving up, and you're moving up, you hit more of your soul has to fucking go away. That's a soulless fucking business, dude. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't care. United is the biggest health care company in the world. Dude, that's a big whacking. It's a big one.

It's I'm telling you Paul like they you know, whatever they were talking about today, you know, when they're in their big Illuminati meeting that was definitely you know, is there over there drinking virgin blood like dude you see that fucking CEO dude you gotta do a bit that's a funny bit how guys are going hey like trying to feel their friends out hey did you see what happened is that us that was us was that us that's funny hey man like i know that was kind of a public thing and you can't tell too many people but like you know i i kind of thought i was in the circle i thought it was in the circle of trust like at 7 30 hey dude you see the news this morning you don't even say what it was you just find he goes to the Illuminati mountain and he's got his pass card he says please work please work please work he puts a card up fuck dude that's uh

yeah man that's uh what i just want my inner my out okay i just want to know That's why this show is the funniest. It's the best. Paul, is there anything better than when you had a busy morning, you didn't have coffee and you have the caffeine headache that first fucking sip? I understand heroin. Oh, I mean, you're a different man from when we first logged on. No, but that's, oh, when I was driving. Oh, and I took the wrong fucking highway to get over here. Well, fuck, I mean, come on. Those those were some extreme that was like effects. No, the emotional version of that. Um, yeah, dude, I was I was my buddy sent me that and they were and then the guys got it. It's so funny how everybody knows. Dude, his gun jammed three times.

I'm like, well, he fucking got he did what he had to do, which is horrible. Nobody unjammed it. I was talking to an ex cop. And he was talking about that going like, no, but he cleared it. But then he was also saying, but like, what a pro have a fucking gun that what is it dirty or fucked up or whatever? I say, I don't know might have been one of those fucking stupid guns you make. Who knows, Paul, but I gotta tell you, this is the biggest whacking I feel since that fucking guy outside of Sparks Steakhouse. But is this the first one you ever saw? What do you mean? The first one? I was saying before, I think this is the first whacking that you actually saw. Like with Paul Castellano, there were no cameras. So you just saw his body. Oh yeah, Paul, it was the 80s.

Yeah. Catalytic converters. The fucking Cadillac was this big. There was nowhere from the height. Yeah. And you just saw like a hand with all those crime video, those mob, old mom. Would you just see like fat fingers under a car? You don't see, this was the first time I actually saw the guy walk up and do it, which was actually creepy to me to see that.

Well, it should be. Well, I don't watch any of those beheading videos. I never watched that shit. No, videos. I never watched that shit. No, no. I never watched that shit. So, um, you know why I'll never get killed in the morning? Hey, cause I'm asleep and all right. You gotta wait till lunchtime to get me.

No, wait a minute, Paul. He came home at 7 AM and you've been known to go till 9 AM drinking. That's no blow. No PEDs. Not like these these other guys that fucking. No, no, no. I'll go. I just picture a hitman trying to get me like, dude, this guy sleeps. Is this the one that they would know, though? They would they would be watching you. Yeah right he gets up and he gets up at fucking 11 31 every day he's calling this in front of this mirror I love that your daughter does that impress you my son and daughter

they all do my whole family they do the mouth they do the whole fuck it it. They do the whole thing. God forbid, dude, God forbid. So you know what's creepy is that guy knew days before, like I'm going to New York. That's what's wild. Um, but yeah, dude, there's motive with healthcare. Paul, I'm going to tell you something. It's like all of these, the corporations that profit off of war, these people that have covered things up, these corporations that have killed people, they're all of those people, there's motive for all of that. It's just they got it all fucking sewed up with CNN and Fox News. They never rat those guys out,

ever, ever. They never talk about that shit. They'll go political, they'll fuck over, you know, oh my god, Joe Biden's son, he's pardoning fucking Joe Biden. How dumb is that? How dumb is the right wing outrage about that? It's so fucking stupid. It's like your guy is gonna go in and pardon himself. Oh, he's looking at his liberal. It's just like your team cheats. Mine doesn't. It's so it's the dude, if my son beats somebody to death in a fucking Macy's and I'm the president he's walking She's walking Now I'm saying he's getting mentally ill we got to do something about it We'll put him away somewhere again in protective custody, but you know my kid kills somebody now

You can't have you can't have that you can't have that out there. No, I know and I gotta walk away from you Yeah, I know. I know, I gotta walk away from you. Yeah, now- Let's do these picks, Paul. I have no fucking- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have no time. Andrew, let's get into the picks here. I believe it's week 14, which means,

is it Bill's pick? It's Bill's pick, I believe. Yeah, it's Bill's, your pick. I thought I picked first last week. Oh, what did I just do? What did I just do? Where's, where are the, oh, the picks are over here. Andrew, are you there? Yes.

Did Bill go first last week? You know, you guys had swapped it once. I'm trying to remember. You were doing, Bill was going first this year, which is odd, so, but then you had swapped it. So I think you're first. Well, you went four and oh. Give a guy a chance here. Yeah, which is odd. So but then you'd swap this. I think I think you're going for no give a give a guy a chance here. Yeah, yeah. Bill lines went in by 20 points and then almost losing the game. No games ever over Paul. Watch all those commercials.

Andrew I need the lines up if you can. And we have no Jake. We got Jake. Oh, there he is. Jake, what's going on? I was wondering if you had one of your bitches in there. What movie? What movie? Come on, guys. What movie? I know exactly what he's talking to. What's his face? Stacks? Say yes, Sam Jackson. He goes,

I thought you had one of your bitches in here. He goes, he goes, I did shit. Where'd she go? The way he says bitches, you can tell how racist his character is. That's one of your bitches in here. He goes, he goes, I did shit. Where'd you go? The way he says bitches, you can tell how racist his character is. Let's get one of your bitches in here. Jake, what do we got? Any? Any? Any? Injuries? Big ones? Other than?

Yeah, big ones. Trevor Lawrence is out for the year for the Jags after that hit. I took last week. And then Christian McCaffrey is also out for the year his season is over after the injury he had against Buffalo. And then the good news is Matt Stafford there's a report saying he sprained his ankle but he practiced fully yesterday so so he's gonna be out there. So those are the big ones that I saw. Underrated Hall of Fame career and great career Matt Stafford. Yeah for sure. Super, champion. Underrated on this podcast, Jake the snake. I mean, Jake comes in, look, Jake comes in and he just gives you the goods right

out of the gate. He's back. He's backlit. I always loved it. He's backlit. Like he's some holy deity. And then he, you know what he does, Paul? He brings a professionalism. He's got the aura behind him. He is. We're gonna we're gonna lose them to ESPN any day now. I just want to say, you know, go, it's a kids day. Go get the bag. All right. It's gonna be it's gonna be Steve. You wrap that thing. Jake, you stay away from them. Who is Stephen A Smith yelling at Stephen A Smith yelling and then Paul just going, well, I just said, Jake just going well I just said Jake just going I disagree. I would be heartbroken if I saw Stephen A Smith yelling at Jake. Jake's like I want to go back to anything better.

But I was feeling Stephen A Smith is kind of cartoony upset. It's that other guy. Shannon was there. Skip. Skip Stevenson. His name? Skip Bayless. Skip Get a fucking guy. It's just like I would be surprised if you can watch the

sports. Now he got fired from everywhere. Andrew, can you put the lines up? Wait, we got fired. Well, he got fired. Yeah, he got fired from it. Didn't renew his Yeah, they

didn't renew his first take contract. They didn't renew his first take contract and Shannon Sharp left them because he didn't I mean, the guy, you know, the guy's a mess. Shannon's job take contract, then Shannon Sharp left him because he didn't, I mean, the guy, you know, the guy's a mess. Shannon Sharp, though, was the smartest move ever because, you know, there was only so long

Shannon could handle a skip in his life before he had to sell charges. I don't know how you could sit across as a man who played the game at the level that he did, talking to some little shit named Skip in a fucking suit who was telling me you didn't know what you were talking about. I mean, the level of patience that Shannon showed, it was a level of maturity. That's what they say. Hey, Paul, guess what game's sticking out to me because I don't

know shit about football anymore. I'm going to take the Dolphins lay out. Lay in. What did I do last week? Did I go Owen four mercifully? Was it a two behind the year? No, you won. You definitely won one. I saw one in three. Yeah. Hell yeah. Andrew. You know what? I'm on this show for Paul's to give people realistic expectations.

Andrew's be a rare one in three for them. It's Jake the snake two and two Jake the the Snake holding 500. Dude, what's his face? Andrew is stealthily. He's running right there with you. And you know what it is, Paul? But everybody talks about you because you're in the New York market. Andrew's feet is in the middle of L.A., so nobody cares. And there's Paul, you know, all Sicilian.

He's got the head, Polly Cutlet sits. It just, it writes itself. Somebody got flan right down the street from you. It's fucking exciting. All right, I'm not taking the Dolphins Lane six. Fuck that. Fuck that. What do you got?

I'll tell you what I got, Paul. I got nothing. I'm just looking at whatever, whoever's got a plus sign. I'm not going to lie. I hate this week. Really tough week. There's a tough week. Oh, you guys are bitches. What do we do? We're picking numbers here.

Come on. I don't like it, man. I got a bad feeling about this one, Sarge. I would go with the, I just love Baker Mayfield. I would go with the, I just love the, Baker Mayfield. I fucking love that guy. He's a winner. He proved Colin Cowherd wrong time and time again, and we're still waiting for him to apologize, and he hasn't, therefore I'm taking Baker Mayfield laying six and a half at home against the Raiders.

I do love the Raiders though. Somewhere along the line Paul, I became a big Raiders fan. Why is there not around there fans? I'm a big Raiders fan. I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take the Cardinals at home, minus two and a half against the Seahawks. I just never.

I just don't think the Seahawks are that good, and if the game was in Seattle, I may not do it with this line, but at home I think the Cardinals can win by three. I'm going to take the Cardinals. Alright, I'm going to go Monday night, Paul and I'm going to take the Cowboys plus six and a half that the shit show That is the Cowboys. Oh, I'm gonna take them plus six and a half because that's a classic fucking game

We're like jokers didn't come in there the Cowboys. You were fucking mad. She's gonna throw it all over the yard Yeah, he's gonna do that the first half and then inexplicably the Cowboys gonna come back and cover half and then inexplicably the Cowboys are going to come back and cover. Sorry, I'm a little fucking, I'm a little, you know, I'm a little hurt this week with what the Lions did to me. Not only did they do it to me, I got no phone call from that organization going up by 20 points, making me all excited. You know, the Lions play the Packers tonight and the Packers are getting three and a half and I just don't want to touch it. I don't know why because the Lions are at home. I just don't like it. But I'll tell you what, maybe you want to enjoy your Thursday night. I

tell you what I do like. I'll tell you what I do like. This is the one game I looked at and I go, maybe I'm gonna take the Chargers getting four against the Chiefs in Kansas City. I think everybody and their mother thinks the Chiefs are gonna win this game. And they may win the game. I like the four points and I think the Chargers need to hang with them to show that they could go on a little run. Who knows?

Jim Harbaugh likes these kind of games. He gets his guys up for these kind of games. I'm expecting a big game from Justin Herbert. I got the Chargers on the road, dude. The Raiders lost that game. The Raiders, the quarterback wasn't looking at the snap or the game's over. I like the Chargers.

All right. All right. I'm just feeling suicidal this week, so I'm gonna fucking take the Panthers. Oh! They burned me bad last week. I can't even, I can't even say this without laughing. I'm gonna take the Panthers, getting 12 and a half

against that fucking headcase and his team. Saquon Barkley, who's just playing like a frigging superhero and I just feel like they come out and they fucking stomp the shit out of him in the first fucking half and then they just sort of crawl back and they're gonna cover. There's no sports show that gives picks funnier than this. It just doesn't exist.

That fucking guy, he, oh, Nicky down there. Oh, Nicky, Nicky voices. Wanna know why? When Nick puts his head on the pillow at nightfall, it takes a lot of fucking pharmaceutical work to get that fucking brain to go to Nicky voices. Oh, yeah. You're not good enough.

Yes, I am,'re not good enough. Yes, I am. I am good enough. He's just arguing with himself as his wife's rubbing his head. No other show will start laughing before a picket's great. All right, let me see here. I used to know a club owner that looked like him. When he fucking, not going to say who, it was way back, it was a satellite room, but when he had his fucking winter hat on

and he looked at the camera and did that fucking nod, dude, that was, like, I was just like, this guy is insane. Did they take this guy out of a casino? Like, who does that? As a coach, when he was going like, and he looked at the thing yeah no they nodded vigorously like you know like those fucking non-athletic fat fucks in the crowd and the game's about to start

they're going and they're nodding because they saw a blue chip wide receiver do it and now they're like they got that man tits fucking jingling like that's oh fuck is the guy in seat 28a is he amped up remember he looked at the fans and he goes see ya when they won because they were yelling he goes oh I love that because Paul you gotta understand in life it's never about what somebody says it's the subtext yeah it's just what what they were saying to him was so like lining up to what the voices in his head say, okay? And then he wasn't yelling at them. He was yelling at his inner turmoil.

Oh, you called me Rex Ryan, dude. You called Rex Ryan like week five for that guy's career, you called him. I do, listen, game recognizes game. Okay? I can spot somebody out of their fucking mind struggling as they're smiling for a family photo. I'm like, that guy's barely hanging on.

It's full bastard. I feel you. You want a cup of coffee? You want to dump your day on me? Cause I know you wife's sick of hearing it. You fucking unload it. You called, dude, you called him early and we're right. I know. And if he wasn't, if he wasn't head coach of the Jets and we weren't rivals, there was still was a part of me rooting for him because, you know, I just, I, you know, I

see, I just, it's you know, I see, I just, it's fucking, you needed a hug. We'll go out there and show them we're the best fucking team in this fucking, fucking league and he's dropping all those F bombs, trying to just try it. We're gonna go out there and kick the fucking shit out of him. That's what we're gonna do.

And it was just, We're gonna show all these sports writers that I'm just as good as my dad. Even though I was too busy coaching football to hunt me or my brother. Imagine if he did that. He's like, we're going to go and kick the shit out of him. Now the meeting's over. He just went in his office and he sat down and went like this. Dude, that's an SNL sketch. Remember subliminal man? You just had the subtext guy right next to him. Hey man, you ready for this?

Absolutely. Like the guy's like, dude, I am shitting myself right now. I think I would feel better. If I could go into a closet right now and just cry and have a robot do this job for me, I think I would feel better. Oh my god. All right, I'm done.

No, no, that's all right. Well, I got to pick game three here. I'm thinking Jake the Snake, what are the Bears record, Chicago's record? I think they're still stuck on four wins. They've got they had a couple tough losses in a row to every team in the division. Pretty historic. But yeah, I think they're like everything that comes out of Jake's mouth, the tone, the delivery. I just it's just it's amazing.

It is. I'm going to take the Atlanta Falcons. I'm going to take the Atlanta Falcons getting five and a half against the Vikings. Kirk Cousins, they're gonna be in that game. And I like it. I like the five and a half too. All right. Hey, Andrew, on this next one, can you play some music underneath it when I go to pick

it? Can you play that song? Make a wish, baby. Are you gonna take the points? Make a wish baby. Paul, how the fuck does Alabama get in with three losses? Oh my God. What do they have to fucking do? What does Alabama have on these fucking guys? They wouldn't even listen, I'm going big here, they wouldn't even let Ohio State in

with three fucking losses. Even Ohio State Buckeye fans would be like, all right, it wasn't our best fucking year. Dude, I'm telling you, man, that is old money. That's a money, Paul. Can I say this? I have to say that that Michigan-Ohio State game was the worst played football game

and worst quarterback play I've ever seen on any level in my entire life. I've never- Not true, but it had the greatest results. That wasn't the worst game you've ever seen, come on. No, quarterback play, dude, I've never seen it. I mean, it was, one guy had eight completions. I mean, it was terrible, man. Well, Michigan didn't have a quarterback all year yeah I didn't

see Dave Portnoy running out of his house dying that was the funniest shit ever yeah he loves Michigan well he went there oh my god dude like can you imagine not only do you fucking lose you gotta listen to Dave Portnoy just tr crashing you laughing I think it's the happiest I've ever seen the guy and they jumped in his pool I mean that was he was just oh I missed that part that was his Super Bowl that was his Super Bowl oh it's fucking great that fucking video is is that's it's just why it's so fun why do we care but I relate it to the whole thing I was so happy for him but if he was a Buckeye fan, I'd be like, fuck this guy. There's just something about Buckeye fans.

They're just, ah, they're cunts. All right. I don't like anybody who's more whiny than me. I think that that's my issue with them. All right. The Bills going into the Rams. The Rams getting three and a half. I'm gonna take the Rams getting three and a half. I'm going to take the Rams, get three and a half, Paul.

This is opposite week. Because I feel like Josh Allen's going to go in there, right? He's going to go, dude, this is what's fucking hilarious. I saw this fucking thing. Some lady, like he just got engaged. So I'm scrolling through, and it's a football thing. So all of a sudden, there was some lady there talking about his ex-girlfriend And some shady things she tweeted about his

engagement. And I swear to God, she goes, Okay, guys, there's a lot to unpack here. And I was like, is there? Why do you give a fuck about his ex girlfriend? I know. Did you see what she said? Yeah, no. And I don't give a fuck. Let me guess. It was just because it was about CTE. She was like, good luck with this CTE stricken guy. She's like, I'd rather date an owner

anyways. And people like the youngest owner in the leagues like 52. And he's married, like what owner of what are you talking about? And then she said she got and she gets she said, Oh, I got hacked.

I think you have yourself and I think with that tweet, you probably said why the guy broke up with you. That just sounded like that sounds like an absolute nightmare. Well, just motivated by money. But I'm trying to stay on topic here is the fact that somebody who doesn't know anybody involved is does a deep dive. Like, you know something, Andrew, you got married, right right I never thought to look

into your past you know what I mean lots on back here yeah well you wait when Jake the snake finally gets fucking married you watch all his exes are gonna be throwing the Jake lets them down easy imagine that we're on that we on a conference call. We're on a conference call without Jake going dude, his injury reports haven't been the same. Does he all right? What's going on? He's just slipping. I met somebody is the chick in the background grabbing stuff.

Somebody takes his cell phone picture. He's got a Hawaiian shirt and a cigar and two fucking horse. Jake, come on, man. We're not saying you can't have fun, but you got to come back. You know? You can do the podcast from poolside. It's like the last dance when Rodman went to Vegas. Mike's like, he's not coming back.

We have to knock on his door. Jake's bitch is way of Jimmy's. Oh, fuck, Mike, Mike, my laptop is gonna die here. What do you got? All right. All right. All right, man, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna take the Chicago Bears getting four in San Francisco. You know, I think if San Francisco needs a win so bad, I think if they win, it's by a field goal. McCaffrey is out. It just seems like they're going down.

I hate to say that every week to Niner fans, but let's just see, you know, this is literally the last- Who's arguing with you? Yeah. Who's arguing with you? You had a 20 game fucking turnaround. I haven't seen a turnaround like this

since Clemens went to the fucking Blue Jays. Since the un- I haven't seen a fucking turnaround. I haven't seen a turnaround like this since Clemens went to the fucking Blue Jays. Don't eat and fucking son of a bitch in eight and 96 and then he goes over there and all of a sudden he's fucking yoke Paul Hey, back to back. He got in

the gym. A lot of a lot of miracle supplements out there. Hey, you know what I mean? But you gotta know the right ones. You still gotta do the work, Paul. You still gotta be in the gym splitting your slacks, doing squats. All right, let's do the Monday night special. I agree with Bill.

I agree with Bill. I like the Cowboys getting six and a half at home at Jerry's World. I think they gotta at least be competitive. So I like the points. They got that stiff at quarterback though. I swear to God to. Oh Rush.

Oh my God. He should have mannequin hair. Sorry, that was totally funny to me. There was something about him. He just looked like a, Like a Lego. He's wearing a suit, you know, store window. All right, so we're gonna go, the. Sorry that was totally funny to me there's something about him he just looked like

it's like a leg. You know store window- all right we're gonna go. We'll go cowboys getting six and a half. Over under forty nine and a half. Forty nine and a half. I don't know don't listen to me but I just what just, what are they going to do? Unless it's just an offensive game. The under has hurt this show.

Cowboys, the under. We're basically saying you guys are going to watch a boring game here. Cowboys, the under and Joe Burrow to throw one. Let's do that. Alright. There you go everybody. Those are our picks. Bill has the Panthers getting plus 12 and a half. He's got the Buccaneers minus six and a half. He's got the Rams plus three and a half and he's got the Cowboys plus six and a half. Your boys got the Falcons plus five and a half. The Cardinals minus two and a half. The Bears plus four and the Chargers plus four. Those are our picks for the week. You could go on and see Jake the snakes and and Andrew Thimless's picks. Thank you guys so much. I can't believe those seasons basically almost over guys. We got three more of these and it's a wrap. It happens. The college playoff is

coming up Paul. You're not gonna watch the last three weeks of the **** NFL. It's gonna be unbelievable. College playoff with 12 games is at 12 teams fucking NFL. It's gonna be unbelievable. College playoff with 12 games at 12 teams is amazing. It's amazing madness in December. March madness of football. March madness of football. You sound like you were in a booth. Paul, give me three reads. March madness of football. March madness of football. Alright, give me one more March Madness of football.

One more more intense I need it. Really sell it this time. All right, guys, go to the bet MGM app and download the app. Of course, here at the show, we want you guys to have fun bet responsibly. By the way, thanks to all the listeners and everybody saying that this show is kind of making some people money. And we really appreciate you guys following us and watching us. But be responsible, don't bet like a douche,

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Uh, if that doesn't happen and you get the second touchdown, you'll get your, uh, your, your cash back. All right. So there you go. Have a good time with it. We're only doing, there's only a few more weeks of this. Enjoy it and we will see you next time. Oh, real quick announcement.

New Year's Eve guys, New Year's Eve. I will be, added levity live in West Nyack New York. It's the same room I did my Netflix special in two shows seven and 10 o'clock and go to Paul verzi.com for everything else. Um, and we'll see you guys next week. We'll see you guys next week. Make a wish baby. All right, we'll see you. So I travel a lot, I mean a lot, perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kind of my gig, right? So I'm out there, I'm living out of suitcases, or suitcase sometimes if I bring the big boy, and I want all the comforts of home.

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