Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-6-18

Episode Date: December 7, 2018

Bill rambles about award show speeches, an alcoholic questionnaire, and smoking a pipe.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Specifically the ladies. I'm checking in on the ladies to make sure that you feel okay, that you feel like you're in a safe space to listen to this podcast, not because I care, because I want to start trending on Twitter. Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ with the award shows in the fucking, the same speech given every award show always called brave as if somebody's going to heckle it. You know, like somebody, ah, shut the fuck up and give out the shiny thing, your long-winded jacket. Like nobody's going to say that. They're all going to sit there and be like, wow, that

thing that was already said was just said again, but this time it was said even better. Hey, keep saying the thing you already said. I want to go up there and say the thing that was already said. I want to be that person. I want to be brave. You want to be brave, you go the other way. Listen, I know there's a lot of guys out there took their dicks out at work, but what about these gold diggin' whores? Am I right, fellas? That, now that would be brave. That would be brave. Okay, I think to see you fucking walk out of that one. Saying the thing that's been said that everybody gets once again, we'll be right back with these saying the thing that's always said at everything now award show after these messages. You know, people, while we were away,

something else was said that was already said that needed to be said again in case anybody didn't hear it the first 19,000 times it was said. You know, and like I swear to God, and this is all it does is it just causes other copycat fucking behavior. Same thing with these mass shootings, you know, which is why they shouldn't report on them, because then everybody wants to do it, right? Fucking some chick makes a porn and becomes fucking super famous. Now, every broad out there starts fucking dropping their panties. I looked it up, it happens, right? So now fucking Pete is getting into it. They're trying to say you can't say beat a dead horse. And then they came up with all this dumb shit. There's no fucking way that this this can't be

coming from Peter like they said when it's raining out. Don't say it's raining cats and dogs that promotes violence towards it's just, you know, you know, can you say it's a frog strangler? You can't listen to Christmas music. You know what I mean? Are they gonna go through all of the catalog now? That song I really can't stay because baby, it's cold outside. I really can't stay was saying that that promoted some sort of rape within it. Don't sit under the apple tree. What anyone else would be that's controlling she can sit under whatever apple trees she wants to. I think the meaning was that was hey, don't go and fucking suck some other dick while I'm off fighting war, you know, fighting a war here defending the country, you know. But you know,

you couldn't say that back then, right? Baby, it's cold out. What is it? I really can't stay. Baby, it's cold outside. I got to go away. Baby, it's cold outside. This evening has been been hoping that you drop in. So this is such a cute fucking song. There's a bunch of fucking songs out there that you can just turn into some shit, right? Anyways, needless to say, that's my new walk on music when I do a stand up show. You know what's funny? I don't even like that song. It's a fucking corny goddamn song. I don't even fucking like it, but I'm such a cunt. You know, actually to be honest with you, I think there needs to be some sort of turning down the spigot on this fucking insanity. Because it's literally 8% of the population is acting like

they're speaking for or evidently babysitting the fucking rest of us. But like, I think I can listen to that song and not rape anybody. I've done it for 50 years. I'm going to go out on a limb and think I'm going to be okay. You know, this goes like back to when they thought listening to Judas Priest and all of that shit, you know, made you go out and fucking kill yourself and do all, which we all know is it really comes down to just bad parenting. It is a thing. I know most women don't give a fuck about, you know, if you put on that song. You know what I mean? I know. Okay. I don't know. Was it brave to do what I just did? That's what you do. You go on an award show, you do a fucking tap dance

to I really can't stay and then you come out and you talk about gold digging horse. You know, and then you try to like, you go for the the anti that crowd. I bet that could still fill an arena, right? I'm sorry. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about here. Fucking pita. I love animals too. Do you know how much of a douche you have to be for somebody to be behind your cause and also to be sitting there going the age people are fucking assholes. I think I just described myself as a person because my wife loves me, but she really seems to side with other people a lot of the times. You know, anyways, let's let's let's let's plow ahead here into the podcast into the podcast. I want to thank everybody on the set for having

me on. I had a great time promoting season three of evils for family. As far as I can tell from the tweets, it seems to be going really well. People seems to be really enjoying it, but why wouldn't they? We already have a great cast. We already have a bunch of murderers in the writer's room and we added Vince Vaughn. That's right. Spoiler alert. Listen closely. Vince Vaughn, you'll hear his voice or the character that he's doing on season three and I'm really excited that people are enjoying it. And I just want to say right now to all the brave people out there that are fighting out there to try and get Netflix. I just want you to know that your voice is heard. It's heard by me and that there's a bunch of people out there that love you when you try to

sign on and just, you know, try to stay positive. I flew back from New York yesterday and I was one of the rare times of the year where you land over the water at LAX. Usually, you know, usually the wind's coming in off the water so you take off and land into the wind, but this is the time we actually came around, landed. It was pretty fucking cool, except it was too cloudy for me to see the approach. You know, I'm a fucking nerd when it comes to that stuff. But anyways, when I was on the plane, I actually watched a Premier League soccer game. I watched Arsenal vs. Man United and I got to tell you, I really fucking enjoyed the game, you know, and I'm starting to understand it. I saw now, I understand why one thing was offside. You know, when they all line up and they

cover their junk and somebody tries to fucking bend it like Beckham around them, you know, like that stupid ass movie I never fucking saw, they were saying that they scored a goal on that. Maybe they were offside. It's basically any party, a body that could score a goal if it's behind that line on the offensive, if you're an offensive player. So this guy went to go make a move and is, you know, you lead with your head when you start to run unless, I don't know, you're doing that dance underneath the stick there, right? So I guess he was offside. So I guess I understand that. It really takes away a lot of the excitement. He should be able to take off a little bit. Well, I get it because they have to stand there and try to block it. And then

if the offensive players, you know, they don't give a shit, they won't, they're just going to take off. Okay, I get it. I got to tell you some bad, bad, bad fucking defense in that goddamn game. You tell him Arsenal scored, then they turn around and just fucking gave up another one. That long fucking pass. I don't know any of the terminology, but I just know that that shouldn't happen. Sorry, lollygagging going after the ball and that little cunt came running up and kicked it in with his fucking toe hair. That shouldn't happen. But it was a great game. And I don't know, I haven't been drinking it. Just made me want to booze. There's something about watching a Premier League game at night. It's always fucking raining. It's always like misty. It just looks

like, yeah, I want to fucking start the fire and drink like, you know, seven or eight pints. Why wouldn't you? There's something about saying a pint. You feel like you're a fucking world traveler and you don't feel like you're a fucking alcoholic. Speaking of which, I actually watched this thing on YouTube called what kind of drinker am I that I'll be discussing with Joe DeRosa on uninformed the next episode on my Patreon page. And I went and I looked up those algae questions. Because this guy sounded like me, like, you know, I can stop when I want to. I don't wake up shaking and have to drink fucking booze. I'm not an alcoholic. What kind of drinker am I? Okay. And I answered the questions, dude. All right. Are you an alcoholic? All right, here we go. Here

we go. Drug addiction treatment. Are you high functioning? Wait, I got to say, oh, quiz. Alcohol problem screening quiz. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. If I, okay, question one, okay, do you sometimes drink more than you plan to drink? Oh, I don't have a plan other than I'm going out. Let's see. If I drink it all, I have only one or two before dinner. Okay. I hope any joke I tell tonight will be funnier than that line. No, that's not me. I will occasionally skip or delay meals to have a couple more drinks. Well, I've drank for a period where I didn't realize, I mean, I drink until I'm hungry, you know, and then I get a slice at the end of the night. Wait, sometimes a few with the boys slash girls turns into an entire evening.

Well, I never just go out for a few. I go out with the specific, I go out to get hammered. I've been on benders that lasted for days. No, I haven't done that. I mean, I might, unless you call consecutive nights of drinking, but I mean, I sober up and be like, what am I doing in the next night? I have another one. All right. Do you sometimes drink more than you plan to drink? If it'll occasionally skip sometimes? I guess the closest one would be the third one, C. Sometimes a few with the boys slash girls turns into an entire evening. Yeah, that's fair. All right, let's check that. At the end of this quiz, someone's trying to make money off me. So you know, I'm going to flunk it and I need their help.

All right. Have you ever tried to quit drinking and we're unsuccessful? I don't want to quit. I enjoy an occasional drink. I've thought about quitting, but I've just gotten around, but I haven't got around to it. I've tried to control my drinking, but it hasn't worked for very long. I've tried to quit drinking many times. I go on sabbaticals. I like, I need to shut it down and I've been able to do that. But then I just get bored. And I, you know, like, what am I never going to have another drink? So I guess I've tried to control my drinking and it hasn't worked for very long. Well, I've gone a year. All right. How much time do you spend each week drinking? Oh, Jesus Christ.

I don't know. I only drink on special occasions. I only drink on weekends. I drink at least three nights a week. Now we're getting there. I drink almost daily as soon as I get off work. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. All right. Do you have, and do you ever get an urge to drink or a craving for alcohol? Yes. Okay. No, I can take it or leave it. Jesus Christ. Somebody works at a library. All right. Sometimes if I've gone a few days without a drink, I'll get a desire to drink. Yes. If I skip a day drinking, I'll have an urge to drink the next day. No, I can't wait until happy hour every day. I'd say two, the second one. Number five. Oh, Billy Boo sounds. He's almost halfway there, right? How many fucking questions are there?

11. Do you often get bored taking multiple choice questions? No. Do you often miss work or school or obligations? No. I don't ever remember. No, I've never, I've never. No, no, never. I'm a pro. I wait till after the work's done. Has your drinking negatively affected your social or family relationships? No. I rarely drink enough to become intoxicated. No. Sometimes I haven't embarrassed myself while drinking. Yes. I prefer to hang out with people who drink as much as I do. Yes to that. I have lost friends, relationships. No. It's somewhere between B and sometimes I haven't embarrassed myself while drinking and I also prefer to hang out with people who drink as much as I do. So I guess I picked the worst of the two. That's only fair.

Have you given up hobbies or activities you used to enjoy? No, alcohol doesn't interfere with my life. No, it doesn't. I think I'm high functioning. Does your drinking ever put you in a dangerous situation? When I drink, it's only at home. That's not true. I have had a couple of drinks at lunch. No. Return to work. I have driven after drinking before, but I was not really drunk back in the day before I got arrested. I was 21. I regularly drive home from the bar. No, I don't drive home. So where do I go with that one? I have driven after drinking before, but I was not really drunk. Well, I've done that. Yeah, you wait till you're sober. I'll click on that one. Has drinking caused you any persistent health problems? No. All right, there we go. Does alcohol still give

you the same feeling? One drink helps me relax? Yeah. Three beers used to do it. Now it takes a six pack. I changed to liquor because wine wasn't giving me a buzz. I changed the liquor because for the calories, I thought it was, you know, I mean, I know they all have high calories, but I figured I've just got a little shot glass of it, supposed to 12 ounces. Alcohol still give you the same feeling. Well, I guess the closest one here, one drink helps me relax. But I have changed the liquor because wine wouldn't give me a buzz. Well, would, but I have to drink too many, then I get like fucking acid reflux with that shit. All right, when you go out without alcohol, do you get withdrawal symptoms? No, I don't feel any negative. All right. So now

what does that mean? Could you have an all you got a moderate alcohol problem? Well, I could have fucking told you that. Um, anyways, yeah, no, I've been, I've been a good boy. I haven't drank since the end of fucking November. I'm coming up on two weeks, you know, and I'm doing it during the holidays and everybody's like, Hey, come on, have a feel like that. I'm around ain't doing that. I got to get in shape for this fucking European run that I'm doing European run. Bill, you don't say I've seen it on your website. Boy, oh boy, a lot of them sold out any chance they added second shows in some cities. Why? Yes, they have January 5th, Munich, second show, uh, January 6th, Offenbach,

they added a second show, uh, January 8th and Riga, Riga modal, they added a second show, Vienna, they added a second show, Liverpool, my adopted fucking Premier League team, I think, I don't know, I got to pick a team, but I think it's going to be them and I'm doing it because I like the Beatles. London, they added a second show, March 5th, Copenhagen, Denmark, April 30th and Helsinki, they added a second show. I love it. All right, old daddy's going to be over there fucking working. So, uh, yeah. So I cut it off. I got some sort of fucking issue because last night I was sitting by the fire with my wife. I'd let, you know, put the Christmas lights on the tree and all of that shit. We're having a great time. I love the holidays. So she goes, you want some

eggnog with a little in there? You know, she says and I said, nah, I'll just take the eggnog, but I, you know, a little bit of, uh, what's that shit you put on top of it, the brown stuff, nutmeg, little nutmeg on top and I'll be good. Excuse, can't have just a little bit. I go, no, because then I want to have a bunch more and then that could turn into, uh, you know, me drinking every night for the next week or for the next year. Just about, you know, I'm a habit guy and if I'm not drinking, I, I, I'm either on or fucking off. I, I'd be honest with you, I lost that ability to kind of just like, you know, occasionally have a beer. I have to like be not doing it or fucking doing it. Now I can not do it. I guess it's the free time, man. I got

too much fucking free time. Um, if I had like an, you know what I need? This, I think the biggest problem with my boozing is, is I don't, I, there's no rules. That's all I need because with like cigars, I have rules, you know, as far as how many I'm going to have. Uh, I just have to have rules with alcohol. So maybe like, I was thinking, what if like, uh, two Saturdays a month, you know, that would be perfect. Cause then I'd still go out and get to drink cause I fucking love booze, but then I won't be like negatively affecting myself. Um, um, you know, I also won't be bored shitless and I also won't be a bloated fuck. So maybe in, I, I feel like in, uh, when I do the European tour, maybe the second to last night, just so I'm not hung over

for the flight or whatever. No, cause I know me, then I'll be like, Oh my God, this flight's fucking long as shit when I just have fucking three doubles real quick and just pass out, wake up over fucking Greenland and be like, yeah, fuck, we're only halfway there, man. Um, whatever, I'll figure it out. I'll figure it out. Um, let's see here. Maybe I'll go to an AA meeting. Every time I go to a fucking AA meeting, I'm like, Jesus Christ, these fucking people are crazy. I just sit in a bar and drink and I get hammered and then I fucking go home. That's it. You know, there's no cops. There's no fucking family fucking coming down. Daddy, we haven't seen you in six months, like these fucking stories. Um, there's no blood, jail and shit. All right, butcher box, everybody.

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for up to $125 off your first mattress order. All right. By the way, that George Bush book I was telling you where I talked about him flying and all that shit. That was called fly boys not flags of our father. It's fucking hilarious. I barely read. I know it's not a surprise. And I can't remember the name of the goddamn book that I fucking read. That was the one with the George Bush stories that but you know, I didn't feel too bad that I picked the other book too because they're both incredible books. All right. What else do we got here? Let's see award show speeches talked about that arsenal man use my is Christmas tree no booze. Oh, oh, I told you I'm thinking about switching to smoke and a pipe. Both my grandparents smoked a pipe

and they're dead now. So I think it's a good I'm kidding. I just been thinking about doing that. I like it. I like the whole fucking ritual. It just seems really cool sitting down packing the thing lightening it having to relight it pack it down with that little fucking thing, cleaning it out the whole goddamn thing. Somebody get when I was in, of course, one of my favorite cities of all time, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, I was there and they gave me a pipe, you know, and I just I had lost the thing and I just recently founded it. Let me let me see. I got it right over here next to all of my things here. It's all of my things are out here. Wait a minute where the there it is. Let's see what I got. Is it just the pipe or do I have the little the little packer

thing? Like I don't know the name of all this. I also like you know what I like about cigar smoking and and also smoking a pipe is it's really fucking obnoxious. Like cigar smoke is just because it's just all encompassing and nobody can get away with get away from it. All right, so I got a pipe. I have some pipe cleaner. And then do I have in here do I have a little fucking and oh, I still got to buy the thing to pack it down. Oh my god, dude. Are you serious? I got to I got to try this fucking thing out. You know. Oh, there's a little thing for the I watched this whole thing like I first of all, I noticed people who smoke pipes have crazy facial hair. Like I don't know if I'm going to fit in like when I show

up thing that is a newbie. Look at him. He doesn't look like he you know, he's a conductor or something like that. Now, Jesus, you know what I want for Christmas? I really have to fucking fix this fucking goddamn headphones here. Why do I do this to myself? What it you know, it's got to be this adapter thing. That's what it is. I just have to buy a nice one. I'm literally I'm handling this right now. I'm not right now, but the podcast is over in a couple of minutes and then we have some greatest hits another half hour. So please, by all means. Okay, this is a safe space to listen to a podcast. Anyways, I'm going to order one of those goddamn things.

Then I also got a bunch of nieces and nephews and they're all getting Boston fucking sports shit. All right, I don't want to hear it. Okay, that's it. I care about sports. Therefore, you're going to care to and speaking of which, let's see when Liverpool's next game is. Liverpool. Liverpool. Come on, because you know what? I have the whole fucking month off. And by that, I just mean I'm not going to fucking. Oh, it always goes to fucking wikipedia. Jesus fucking Christ, these cunts. When the fuck did Google become set? Why do I care? Why do you care? Premier League. There you go. Premier League. Come on. Come on. Give me a break here.

All right, they beat Fulham to nothing. They beat Everton one nothing. The next game is Saturday. 4.30 a.m. Jesus Christ. Fuck, am I going to watch that? They got Man United coming up. That's got to be a big one. Sunday, the 16th. Oh shit. All right. Well, let's see what's their fucking, that's it. You play once every 10 days. That can't be right. That can't be right. All right. I'm clicking on Liverpool. Three to one. Stat timeline. See, everything's different in another fucking timeline. What the fuck does it do? How do I get schedule? All right, let me hit pause here. Sorry. Hold on.

All right. Yeah. Did these games are nice and spread out? Jesus Christ. This is fucking easy to follow. All right. So what do we got? They got one on Saturday. Then they got Saturday the 8th. Then they got Sunday the 16th. Then they got the 21st. Then the 26th. Then the 29th. Oh, if I watch all of those games, I'll be on board. I'll be on board. All right. That'd be great. I'm doing Liverpool on one of these tours coming up. You know, I'm also doing Manchester City. So Jesus Christ, I'll get a bunch of shit. They don't give a fuck, right? I'm just a stupid yank. Then I'm going to give a shit. Just be happy I'm watching. They won't give a shit. The perfect scenario would be if I become a

Liverpool fan and then they lose to Man City, right? So then like Liverpool people will be happy that I'm rooting for their fucking team and then Man City won't give a fuck because my team didn't win. Bill, I don't think they're going to give a fuck either way. Hey, fair enough. Fair enough. All right. Anyways, I'm so psyched to be home. I'm so fucking psyched to be home. I have the best fucking life in the world. Getting married was the smartest thing I ever did considering all the bitching I do about it. It's fucking great. I'm going to go inside, go have a nice fucking get out of the garage here, going to get a nice fucking warm meal here, sit around the goddamn Christmas tree, right? Have a good time. And in the meantime,

we're going to be listening to this a little bit of fucking music here and then a half hour of greatest hits from a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from earlier this year or years ago. I have no idea. By the way, thank you to everybody that bought tickets to the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit on February 19, 2019. It's just about, I think just about sold out a couple hundred left. I have to keep promoting it, of course. And that is it. All right, go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you. No, oh wait, I'm sorry, today is Thursday, right? Have a great weekend, you cunts. That's what I'm supposed to say. And I'll talk to you on Monday. All right, wait a second, the podcast isn't over yet. I was supposed

to do an intro after the music. There's going to be a little clip from one of the uninformed episode three, I believe, from the Patreon page, give you a little taste day like a drug deal. Hopefully make you go to the fucking Patreon and listen to the rest of it. So here it is, me and old Joe DeRosa, the Teen Idol sensation from the, the Open Anthony program. Talking about, I think we're talking about being, me being a dad on this one. I'm not sure. I don't remember. All right, enjoy it. God bless, you know, some Joe, God bless the people that love those things. You know, those are the kinds of people that fucking decorate their house on the holidays.

Nia loves them. Nia's the fucking best. Nia's going to fucking, you know, deck the holes. She's going to deck the holes. I'll tell you right now, Joe, I almost threw out my back pushing my fucking trash cans to the corner because they was filled with like $300 worth of fucking pumpkins that she bought for fucking Halloween and Thanksgiving. And it looked great, Joe. Like Martha Stewart would have walked in, she would have been nervous, been like, oh shit, this, this chick is coming, right? Then at the end of the day, they got to fucking, you know, they got to go out to the curb. I was sitting there like, I never get one. I'm like, I'm just going to have to throw it away. It felt like there was a fucking dead body in there, dude. It was,

it like weighed as much as a person. I never get one because I'm like, and I also never put my tree up. Joe, do you ever think if you did stuff like that, maybe you could sleep a little better? Dude, listen, I love nothing more than putting the tree up and decorating for Christmas. Here's why I don't do it. Deck the holes with balls of holly, follow, follow, follow, follow. Not balls, bells. What are bells? Bells, they're like shaped like holly bells or shaped like bells. I like to fucking people. They're trying to get the quarters that are these army people. I don't want branch there in dang to dang to dang, you know, those guys at the mall. No, that's no holly bill. The fucking green shit with the berries on it. Holly.

Are you saying those bells? Yeah, they're called bells of holly, like the things that you hang up those little bunches of holly. Oh, I always said, I just thought it was literally bells. Of course, I thought it was balls. Maybe it means bells. But I gotta be honest, I just bullshitted my way through the whole thing. I think that's what it is. We gotta look up this fucking. Joe, has there ever been a fucking show named more perfectly uninformed? I took a wild swing, but I have a feeling the working title was dumb fucks. That's gotta be that's gotta be what it is, though, bells of holly, like, like, like, bells of hay or, or, you know, what the fuck does hay have to do with holly? I'm saying it's like the term like how you call a

thing a hay, but bail of hay. All right, I think you just call it a bell of holly. You know, a bushel of fruit, in other words, you know, that's everything. There's so many shaved bushels out there for me. If you'd like to know what I mean, Bill, you've been shaving your bushel for years. Oh, I had to. Oh, we're both wrong. Deck the halls with bows of holly, b, o, u, g, h, s. Oh, foes. Fa la la la la la la la. Tis the season to be jolly. Fa la la la la la la la la la. Don, we now are gay apparel. Fa la la la la la la la. Little run DMC there. Wait a second. Don, we are. Don, we are. Don, dude. Dude. Don't talk about join, dude. Don means put on our gay apparel, meaning joyous festive. I mean, something out of Bill's closet. Oh, geez.

Trolly ancient Yuletide carol. I never got what that meant. Dude, this is like how much English language changes. This is like, what the, I don't know what they're talking about here. Let's see here. You know, somebody did like a metal versions of this. Dude, it's sick. Yeah, the whole red ball. All right. What the fuck is a bow? Bow definition. Like a bow, like a bow. It's not b o w. It's a main branch of a tree, a branch, a limb and an off shoot. Dude, that's where bow and arrow comes from. I bet because you would take a tree branch field w. Are you sure positive? Well, no, I mean, I'm just saying it is hot. So that's how I spell it. I'm bow and arrow. Yes.

Definition of a bow. Jesus. Joe. We're just learning stuff right and left. Bow definition. A man, a male, a white male from the south. Hey, bow, get over. Sorry. A knot tied with two loops and two loose ends used specifically to tie shoe. That's not it. A weapon for shooting arrows typically made of a curved piece of wood whose ends are joined together by a taut string. All right. And that's b o w. Yep. All right. It comes joey boat comes joey D right down joey D lane. He's got some guts. All right. That's uninformed Joe. I like that we sang a little holiday. So let's let's walk. Let's send this. It's it's the holiday season. I don't know that one. Do be do be do

school to leave. But which one is that? Don't take out your car at the Christmas party. You get me to keep your neck noggin your pants. Yeah. So don't walk up and grab her tits unless she tells you it's always be safe and don't do it. Have a walk those titties into your fucking hands. And then take a stroll in the snow. And then what do you know? You're gonna fuck her in the ass. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, December 6, 2010. How come I can't fucking hear myself? What's going on here? Hello. Hello. Hello. You motherfucker. What is going on? Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

All the levels seem right. The fuck am I doing wrong lately? I used to have this shit down. Well, I hope it's all right because it's late in the day and I have a football game to watch. Patriots are playing the Jets. You know, those two fucking teams I've been talking about for fucking 19 weeks in a row. They're playing tonight. So I got to fucking hustle through this thing because I'm doing this thing late because I just flew back from San Francisco. I left my balls in San Francisco. Isn't that how the song goes? Tony Bennett comes out. Luck be a lady tonight. That's Frank Sinatra. Go fuck yourself there, crooner fans. What do you think about that during the holiday month? As you can tell, I blew out my voice when

I was doing Cobb's Comedy Club up in San Francisco and I had a great fucking time. 51 days without drinking and I got to tell you, San Francisco is one of those cities that makes you want to drink. It's just an awesome city. You go up there. That's two weekends in a row. I've absolutely loved the city. Seattle last week and now San Francisco this week and San Francisco, it's really, I don't know how people stay sober there because every time you walk around the corner, you just see one of those bars, you know, it's just got that warm old dingy, but it's got some character and you just want to fucking go in there and get a pint and just start talking some shit. You know, it's fucking cold and rainy there, the whole fucking weekend.

So psyched to be back in LA though. It's the first time I've seen the sun in like 10 fucking days, it feels like. Look at me with the potty mouth this week. But anyways, yeah, I was up there and I worked Cobb's Comedy Club and I want to thank all those people who came out to see me. It was a ridiculous turnout. Cobb's is a giant room for a comedy club and the place was packed the entire weekend and it was great. Everybody was showing up. A bunch of people came up and told me that they loved the podcast and I had like five people come up to me and tell me how much they like the so-called wet man. They love it. So I'm thinking actually turning that into a bit, sticking into my act.

I just don't know if it's going to work because I think maybe if I stick my mouth close enough. Actually, you know, when I listen back to the podcast, it sounded like the it sounded like the same sort of distortion. I got to try it out. I really got to fucking try it out. You know what? There's a room out here called the Comedy Union. It used to be called Mixed Nuts. It's called the Comedy Union. It's down on La Brea and well, it's off of La Brea. Can't remember. It's right down the street from Roscoe's Waffle House. Chicken and Waffles. Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, huh? African Americans. You listen it to the podcast. There's a big shout out to that fucking restaurant. But anyways, it's a club. Any comedian can go down there,

but it's a predominantly black audience. Remember that from the news? I used to say that all the time, a predominantly black neighborhood, predominantly black neighborhood. So that's like what the crowds are. So whenever I have a joke like that, I like to go down to rooms like that or maybe do Tuesday night at the comedy store because I want to make sure that I'm saying the shit the right way, you know? Granted, that opens the door to some awkwardness if it doesn't come off the right way. But that's the fun of doing what I do. So maybe I'm going to head down there. Speaking of Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, I heard so much about that shit. So-called what man? Heard so much about that shit from the predominantly black comedians.

Always hyping that place up. You got to go down there. You got to go down there. And I got to tell you something. I like chicken and I like waffles, but I do not like that shit together. All right. At no point in my life did syrup ever need to touch a chicken. It's fucking gross. And I went there once and I'll never go there again. It was one of those, you ever go to like a soulful place and it's like fucking like hardcore African-American and you feel foolish as you're ordering because everything's named after like some civil rights leader. You know, welcome to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. I'm going to take your order. Yeah. Let me get the Frederick Douglass chili fries. Can I get the Medgar Evers at a mommy? Whatever the fuck.

You just feel dumb say it. So I don't know if it's that bad. What the fuck? Was it Amy Ruth's? We're going back in my career here. Back in my career when I used to, I used to fucking jump over on both sides of the fence all the goddamn time. Back in the good old days. That was, that was a period in my career where I made sure that I, on a regular basis, when I was trying to figure out how to say what, you know, these glorious dick jokes and shit jokes that I do on stage. There was a period during my career when I would, when I would, I would do all the rooms I could get in front of all the crowds. And if you're a comedian, I suggest that you do that because it can do nothing but help you. And you know,

if you're really, you know what I mean? I learned that shit because I saw Eddie Murphy on the Raw Tour way back in the day. I saw Rodney Dangerfields, Dangerfields. It was two of them, Rodney Dangerfield. And then two weeks later, I saw Eddie Murphy on the Raw Tour and I was like, fucking 18 years old. And I remember looking at Eddie's crowd versus Rodney's crowd. And for some fucking reason that just clicked to me. Like Rodney's hilarious, but Eddie is making everybody laugh. So I remember, I kind of knew I wanted to be a comedian at that point, but it took me another few years to get the balls, you know, to go on stage and then also had this fucking thing in my head that, you know, I had to make sure I finished college, got to make sure I got

tens of thousands of dollars worth of debt, worth of debt. So then I can then go on stage and talk about my dick, right? To make my life even more difficult. Look, I'm not saying whether or not you should go to college or you shouldn't. But if you were like me, and you just fucking knew, you know, you looked at standup comedy and you just, you just fucking knew. I don't think it would be the worst thing if you just said to hell with the next, you know, $40,000 worth of debt. But who the fuck am I? Who am I to say that? How far are we into the, oh, seven minutes in, seven fucking minutes in. I gotta tell you, oh my God, I'm fucking redlining on this shit here. Seven minutes in. I don't think I have anything left to talk about. I am so fucking frazzled

because I don't know what happens when I fly back on the day of a podcast. It's just, I don't have any funny. There's no funny in me right now. I'm just sitting here like I might as well be on Meet the Press, you know, talking about budgets for the upcoming fiscal year. Did anything interesting happen to me in San Francisco? Of course not. I wasn't drinking. I'll tell you that. I went out and I tried a bunch of food up there and I'll, this is something I can guarantee you. All right. If you like a burrito, go to San Francisco. Those guys, I had a burrito when I was up in San Francisco. I've been thinking about, I was fucking thinking about it before I even said what I just said. I've been thinking about this shit.

Like, you know, you ever just bang some fucking, just, you know, some girl you're never gonna marry, but she, I don't know what she does. I don't want to get graphic. I try to stay away from the sex shit, but you know, and you just can't stop fucking thinking and your brain's going, don't go back to her. She's out of her fucking mind. She's, that's not a mother. That's not a mom. You're not gonna marry her. Don't fucking go back. But what she did on the other side, right? Come on. We're all adults. You know what I'm talking. You can't stop fucking thinking about it. I had the food version of that and goddamn it. It was a burrito in San Francisco and like a fucking asshole. I can't even tell you where I got it. I guess I can go, I can go on the internet here and try and find it.

By the way, here's a YouTube video for you. I'm a huge Stevie Ray Vaughn fan, huge Stevie Ray Vaughn fan, and he did a cover of an Albert King song called, I just say ain't gonna give up on love, but it's ain't gone and give up on love. I'm too white to say it that way. So I say ain't gonna give up on love. And the guy who put it up is SRV music, like Stevie Ray Vaughn music video, SRV music video. He put it up like a year ago for some reason. I missed it. And you got to see this. If you're a fan of guitar playing, even if you don't like blues guitar, Stevie Ray Vaughn, he gets like three quarters of the way through his second blistering solo. And he fucking does this little spin move undoes the fucking guitar straps. And then now the guitar is behind him straps the fucking

guitar back on and proceeds to finish the solo behind his back. And not only is he playing with the guitar behind his back, he takes the solo to a whole nother level beyond the Stevie Ray Vaughn level he was just at. It's the fucking like, if somebody can show me anybody who can play behind their back with that level of passion, that fucking good, I mean, I don't even know if Hendrix could do that. Hendrix used to fucking, I mean, I know Hendrix is a better fucking guitarist. I'm not even going to start that fucking argument. All right. That's like comparing Jordan to Kobe. I get it. I'm not even trying to say it. Before we even have this fucking argument, Jimmy is, yeah, you can't even touch that guy. But I'm just saying he took that, you know, that stage trick

to a whole nother fucking, just watch it. And actually, if you can find me one, a Jimmy doing it better, which I'm sure you can. Maybe I haven't looked hard enough. I'd love to see it because I get fucking chills watching this shit. So anyways, I'm going to, I'm going to get rid of this screen here. I'm going to find the name of this fucking burrito place because it was, it was fucking amazing. No, I can't look for this as I'm doing this podcast. Isn't this going to get boring for you guys? I was typing with my middle finger, Cisco. You know what's funny about people in San Francisco? Every time I go there somewhere, I either read or somebody tells me that nobody calls the city San Fran. And I really want to tell them that nobody I know calls it San Fran.

We just say San Francisco. We don't call it Frisco either. Like you fucking hit people in San Francisco. We don't call it, we just say San, San Francisco, go to San Francisco. I want to say I'm going to shy instead of Chicago, but I guess people say shy town. All right, here we go. I am fucking zeroing in where I got this goddamn burrito. I'm going to find this. I'm going to go on the satellite like the fucking Illuminati does. You know that when they're staring at you, watching you fucking rubbing one out, saving the video. So if you ever go against, all right, it's on you motherfucker, give me the satellite. Come on, give me that shit. Don't you like how the Illuminati has allowed us to do this too? So it won't seem as creepy

when they fucking do it to us. Is that it? All right, there you go. I got it. It's on you cunt, you fucking cunt. There it is right there. It's on 9th Avenue and Irving Street. All right, just beyond Yancy Saloon on that side of the road. You walk down, you make a right on 9th fucking Avenue. Now I'm going to take the little yellow man, the little Asian dude, right? Is that what it's supposed to be? Huh? Put him down on the street. Look at me, and there's where the fuck I was. Slowly going down the street. Isn't this exciting? This is what you get when you get a free fucking podcast. You get absolutely no, look at the poodle that the satellite took a picture of. You think it's still alive? It's one of those bigger poodles,

you know? Like the George Miken of poodles. You know those big ones? They're actually really good at Frisbee. They actually become a dog when they get that big. All right, where the fuck is it, you fucking whore? Don't be like this. I don't fucking know. I told you basically where it is, and it's on the fucking west side of the street. Anyways, I had a goddamn burrito. I'm still thinking about it. Here I am in the middle of the podcast, doing one of the most boring things I could possibly do is, which is search for the thing. That's how good this fucking burrito was. I'm literally stalking it, just so I can look on, stand outside the window via my fucking laptop. All right, that was excruciatingly boring, and if this podcast wasn't free, I'd fucking apologize for it.

So, hey, I got a letter here for some fan from Alaska. All right, you ever hear that expression where they say you can't run from your problems? Well, tell people in Alaska, because most people up there are wanted, and not in a good way. Like, we'd really love you to come back to South Dakota. They are wanted in one of those fucking idiots, those spur-of-the-moment bank robbers. We stand in there, and the only reason why you robbed the bank was because the line was just long enough to give you enough time to think like, you know what, I could always rob this fucking bank, and if there was no one in front of you, you just would have gone in and found out what, you know, what your balance was. But there was just, you know, seven people in

front of you. You started working out the whole thing, you know, the fuck's going on. Look at everybody. We all work every single day, and every week, they give us a check. They don't give us cash, they give us a check, they give us these numbers on a piece of paper, and what do we do with it? We take it right down to these cunts. We give them all our money, you know? This is just, I feel like a fucking hooker right now. I went out and I worked, all right? I get my money in this form of fucking currency that I can't, I can't even use unless I go to you, you fucking asshole, and then you keep the shit. I gotta stick it in there, and you give it out to me $20 at a time. Telling me everything's going to be okay. I want, you know, something I

would love to go to a bank where they actually had the nerve to walk around in like purple, sparkly suits with big feathers, you know, driving Lincoln Continentals from 1975. Just dress like the fucking pimp that you are. I'll give a shit. I'll doll myself up to go in there and try and get my money, you fucking cunts. So anyways, this is a, this is a letter from a crazy Alaskan fan. Said, Bill, I bought, let it go on iTunes. Thank you. Earlier this evening and had quite the fucking goat rope. I don't know what that means. I'm sure that means like I was freaking out in Alaska. I had quite the fucking goat rope. The fuck would that mean? Do you tie your goat to your cabin up there? Goats eat everything. I don't get it. Crazy Alaskan fan, can you please explain that to me?

I don't know. You had quite the fucking goat rope. Okay. That doesn't sound like it was good. Anyways, I live out in the middle of BFE Alaska. I don't know what that means either. Is that an area? Is that bum fucking east Alaska? I don't know. And I have no need for the internet in my Ted Kaczynski cabin. According to Mark Marin on Twitter, Ted Kaczynski's cabin is actually for sale. But I digress. Here we go. Continuing. My neighbor who is down the road has the internet. And if I sit my laptop sideways facing due south on the very top of my Warren commission volumes, I can connect at tip top 1997 speed. I only do this once a month. So I went on iTunes and I bought Let It Go. Joe DeRosem's album, The Depression Auction and some Chuck Berry. Look at that.

You got great taste. Two great comedians and one of the greatest guitarists of all time. All right. Michael Graves. I don't know what that if I'm saying that right. And the latest Iron Maiden effort, I picked all the tunes out that I wanted, sat my laptop on its seven foot perch on its side so I could download Let It Go. So I can let it download all that shit. All right. I sat down and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sarah McLaughlin written on the screen. And I immediately thought, Oh, fuck. I somehow hit the wrong button and I fucking bought some Sarah McLaughlin song. So I grabbed it for the computer and there it went right down to the fucking floor, seven feet down onto a linoleum four. Boom. I started screaming at the top of my lungs

about that cunt Sarah McLaughlin and those prick bastards that I tuned for faking me out and making me buy that dumb shit. I was really freaking out. I opened my front door to cool off and therefore feet in front of me was a big brown bear looking at me like I was some kind of asshole. I grabbed the door and ran like hell back in lick, lickety split. Lickety split. And that's the kind of fucking expression you use if you live in a cabin. Fucking goat rope lickety split. My heart was beating like crazy. I was surprised to see and I walked up to my computer and I was surprised to see that my screen was okay on the laptop. It fired right up away. Holy shit, it works. When I reloaded iTunes, I saw Sarah McLaughlin

was actually one of the comedy cuts on let it go. I let it go, all right. You crazy Alaskan fan, Pete. Jesus Christ, Pete. That sounds like some shit I would do. Do you guys do that a lot? Do you absolutely lose your shit? You know, you build up some sort of conspiracy in your fucking head and then you realize in the end that you were actually wrong, you know, but in that moment you buy yourself and you try to blow it off by turning the car radio on and try to drown out that voice, that screaming voice in your head and that feeling of embarrassment that you were actually the douchebag and that you just wasted the last whatever five, seven minutes of your life,

absolutely flipping out about some shit that, you know, really didn't, didn't even fucking happen or maybe some shit that you created. If you did, then you can relate to the first 37 years of my life people because that's what the fuck I did. Look at my goddamn fingernails. I need to cut my fingernails. I've been on the road to goddamn long. Guys, is it okay if I just tap out? Can I just, you know, you know, I feel like right now when you guys are at work and you just don't want to be there. So then you just, you start faking sick, you know, you get that douchey look on your face, you know, you just, you know, you just start speaking in a whiny softly. Yeah, I don't really, excuse me, boss, excuse me. Yeah, I don't, I don't know if it's something I ate. I started feeling

like this the other day. You always have to give it credibility. I started feeling this way the other day. Really? You were pretty fucking chipper when you came walking in. You know, I'm going to tell you guys about that cokehead I used to work with a long time ago. He used to come walking into the warehouse like four hours late on a sunny day with his hair soaking wet from a shower and his excuse was always the same. Oh, the traffic, traffic was unbelievable. Really? It's fucking 92 degrees out there, buddy, with your soaking wet hair. I don't even know if it was from a shower. It could have been like that drug sweat. One time I was doing the opiate anthodes show and they had some guys, some fucking rock band guys in there that were the shit. I'm

not going to fucking blow up this spot and say their name because it was like 8 30 in the morning when they came in. We interviewed them for like an hour and at 9 30 in the morning I asked the lead singer if I can get a picture with them and he goes, sure, he fucking pulled me into him and his head fucking side of his face up against my side of the face and it was just, I don't know what it was, flop, sweat, drug, sweat, meth, sweat. I don't know what the fuck it was, but you have a fucking played basketball and you play shirts and skins and the fatty, not only are you going to cover the fatty, but he fucking his skins and they're in their transition games and you fucking, you're standing there in the paint and that fatty goes running by you and you

feel like, like somebody just emptied a jacuzzi on you. That's what it felt like. It was fucking disgusting. Oh, wait a minute. There it is. There's the burrito spot. It's called Gordo, G-O-R-D-O. There we go. There we go on 9th Avenue in Irving. Just walked north on 9th Avenue Irving Street. It was the fucking shit. It's one of those things. If I was like Elvis Presley, you know, hey man, let's go get a fucking burrito, man. I'm all hopped up on Kualus and shit. I want a fucking burrito, man. I would get in my private jet and van knives and I'd fly like nine of my friends up who don't really like me. At that point, they're just there for the money and they're laughing at all my jokes like I'm the funniest fucker ever. You know, hey man, where'd you get

those shoes? I had a shoe store and they're all like, why? Cut it out, man. You're killing us. I know, man, everything I say is funny. Everything I sing is a fucking hit. Let's go get a fucking burrito. Look at that stewardess. She thinks she'll suck my dick. Everybody laughing like sexual harassment didn't exist back then. If you sold enough fucking records in the 70s, sexual harassment didn't exist. In the 60s, you could just rape somebody if you had a hit record. If anybody complained, ah, pipe down. How many albums did you sell there, sweetheart? It's a brutal fucking time to be a female, you know? So we had to correct it and the only way we knew we would have known. We never would have found out if those ladies didn't start burning

their bras. How many of those fucking ex hippies do you think that regret that moment? Standing in the street. What exactly was their fucking problem with the brazier? You know, what do you want? You want your titties hanging down to your waist? You don't want that. The number one fucking thing that gets you some shit, little things during the course of the day. Oh man, would you like to go first? Go ahead. You think I'm being a gentleman? I'm not being a gentleman. It's because you have perky titties, all right? And you had the fucking decency to only button your shirt right up to just below your cleavage. And because of that, yes, madam, you can go before me. If I had a hat, I would take it off and I would bend

over at the waist like, like, like one of those three musketeers, you know, throw my fucking coat down over a puddle of water, you know? There you are, man, right? It's because of your titties. What keeps your titties perky, ladies? What keeps them, yeah? Aside from eating steamed vegetables instead of a quarter ponder with cheese. Come on, we all know it's your goddamn brazier, all right? See fucking the sports bra, whatever the fuck you want. If you want to keep those babies high and tight, all right? Now I know it's hard for you to hear this from a man. It's coming off chauvinistic, all right? But if I was, you know, some fucking motivational speaker and I was a female standing up here saying the exact same shit, but I had a clam, you'd be listening. You'd be listening.

You'd buy my stupid books and I'd have those fucking armed smart glasses on, you know? You know, those women dressed. They walked that fine line of having a business suit on, but they still look like, you know, I'll fuck this shit out of you. You know that look? Exactly. Speaking of that, you guys seen that fucking, I'm walking around right now. I gotta stand up, let the funny fall down, wash over me. You guys watched that show, I don't know what the hell it's called, but you know what I mean? It stars this woman. It's kind of like that show, you know, that show where that bald guy's screaming about the stocks and he's throwing stuffed animals around and for some stupid fucking reason,

people, I know why people listen, because he's loud, he's passionate. I've made a fucking career out of that. If you just say my jokes without screaming them and working up a sweat, I don't think they're that funny. You know, the true masters, the Bill Cosby can sit in a lawn chair and kill for two straight hours. I couldn't do that. Jesus Christ, if I sat down for two hours and tried to tell jokes, just the sound of my own voice would, that'd put me asleep. Forget about the fucking crowd. But anyways, so I'm watching this show late night because I'm not drinking, you know, staying in this fucking hotel down on Jefferson Street and hide the apocalypto, whatever the fuck it's called. You know what's funny? I think I took a picture too.

I'm going to put it on themmpodcast.com for some fucking reason. Did you guys ever see that movie, Shaka Zulu? Is that the name of it? Shaka Zulu, Shaka Zulu, Zulu, Fahulu, whatever the fuck it's called, right? It was basically about, I don't know what the fuck it was about. It was about English guys in Africa and they went down there and they took over some shit and the Zulu nation had had enough, right? And they all stood on the fucking hill and they're slamming their fucking weapons against their shields there. It's the shit. You know, Michael Cain and all those guys, remember how they were dressed? Those stupid white hats. I don't know what it looked like. You know what it looked like? Do you remember, you guys ever watched Bonanza? Remember

that guy, Hoss or that 10 gallon fucking hat? Just imagine if you had that hat but you cut the brim off of it. He just left that big stupid hat on. Maybe you got a little bit of a brim on the front and on the back. Like if, what do you call those, those little hats? You know, those little hats that fucking people wear like Charlie Chaplin. Just imagine if that hat could get an erection, right? And the fucking brim was the balls. So, you know, they're just fucking staying the same. That's what the hat looked like. Okay. For some fucked up reason, the, I was gonna say the guards, the dudes who stand outside on the sidewalk and go, hey, can I help you with that bag that you obviously carried here with no problem so I can possibly make a couple of dollars? Those guys,

the doorman, there you go. They were dressed like those fucking Englishmen in a Chakuzulu or Chakuzulu, Zulu Hulu, whatever the fuck it's called. I don't know why I thought they need to bring that up. Well, let's talk about the hotel. They had a wine tasting place right next door, you know, which just attracts soccer moms. It's fucking ridiculous. You know, those goddamn brats, when they get older, they have a couple of kids. They can't go out and do keg stands with their hoo-ha hanging out of their panties anymore. They're a fucking mom. So they gotta be, you know, they gotta be more mature with their drinking. So they go out to places like those little, those wine bars. Music isn't too loud, you know, doesn't make their tits quiver, right? So they

can sit down, sit down with their friends, they have cheese, they got wine, and they can sit there and discuss shit, you know, and act like they're fucking adults rather than just scared teenagers with children. The fuck. So I had to walk by that shit all the time. And evidently, one of these broads had too much to drink. I don't know what, somebody fucking yacked on my floor. It was cleaned up before I got there. But you know that, you know, once somebody pukes that, I mean, that's just gonna be there. It's gonna be there for a while. You need a new rug. Who's kidding who? All right. If you puke enough, they really need to tear down the building. So anyways, I don't know how I got on that fucking subject, but this is good, man. I got a little bit of momentum.

I stood up feeling all right. All right. Oh, I know what I was talking about. I was talking about that lady I was watching on the show. So I'm not drinking. So I'm back in the hotel where the dudes address like the fucking apartheid Englishman at the door and somebody yacked on my floor. I'm sitting there watching this fucking show. That's how I got there. All right. So I'm watching the show and flipping through the channels and watching TV and I'm flipping through the fucking channels. I'm losing all my goddamn bets. I went one and three this week. I'm flipping through the fucking channels and I stop on this show and it's this lady. I don't know what her deal is, but like adults call her up and say, I want to buy this. Can I afford it? You know,

like they're fucking eight years old. Just call it. Hey Susan, this is, this is Jill. I'm calling it from Arkansas. First of all, I just want to tell you, I love your show. I absolutely love it. Me and my husband, we watch it all the time. We absolutely love it. We think you're great. And you know, a lot of people probably think that you put too much bleach in your teeth, especially with that orange fake tan, you know, so you look like that fucking plant in little shop of Horace, but that's not me. I think you look great. Right. They go through all that bullshit. So this bitch calls up and why do I say that? I never talked to women that way. So this lady says, I want to fucking, I want, I want to buy, I want to buy a fucking condo down in Florida.

Do I have enough money? Do I have it? Can I afford it? That's what the fuck she said. Called up this complete fucking stranger says, I want to buy a condo and ask this other fucking complete fucking stranger, can I afford it? It's like, did you mail this woman all your bank records like five fucking years ago and you haven't, do you have no fucking idea how much money you have? You dumb cunt. Jesus. And now what the, what the whole fucking hour was? Hey, my name's Mike. I'm calling in from Rhode Island. Listen, I want to get a tattoo on my fucking ball bag, but I also want to cut out the roof so I can get tea tops on my fucking 85 rally sport. Can I afford to do that? That's what

the show was. This woman telling adults who had jobs and lives and probably children, whether or not they could afford something. It just really was, you know, that was one of those times where I was just like, you know what, there's not enough lightning in the world. You know, just as far as the odds of being struck by lightning, we need to bring that average up because the amount of fucking morons out there versus actually intelligent people, you're going to hit a fucking moron. You know, basically going to hit a moron or you're going to hit the ocean. Those are going to be the top two in that order. Even though the fucking world is three quarters fucking water,

you still got a higher chance as lightning to fucking hit a moron. That's, that's, I'm telling you, that's my goddamn theory. And that's what I want the new stat to be rather than being like, you know, the, the odds of getting hit by lightning are higher and then blah, blah, blah. I want it to turn into, I want so much lightning that, that, that the new stat is the odds of an intelligent person actually being hit by lightning or X, Y, and Z. Do you like how in my own little Stalin-esque world that I'm actually intelligent and everybody else is just a sea of morons? Huh? You don't have thoughts like that. Murderous thoughts. I was actually talking to this broad up in San Francisco and

I got this whole chunk about hitting women that I've been doing on stage and it's actually something embarrassing. I have to admit about myself as much as I do the, the comedy thing for a living. I'm really bad at picking up on sarcasm. I'm, I don't know why I use sarcasm. I'm sarcastic, right? But for some reason, when someone uses it against me, I, I've just like, like that old guy downstairs. Have I told you that shit last year when I was dragging my Christmas tree down the stairs and he stuck his head out the window and he just goes, beautiful morning, isn't it? And he had this fucked up look on his face, but he said,

beautiful morning, isn't it? So I was confused and I just went, yeah, yeah, it is a beautiful morning. I'm thinking, why is he yelling with that twisted up look on his face? And then I walked around the corner and I was like, oh, he didn't mean it. He, what he really meant was, you're making a lot of fucking noise, ruining this beautiful morning. So he got me. Then I always end up feeling stupid. So, you know, I'm doing this whole chunk on hitting the broads over there, right? And I'm standing afterwards, whoring myself out, right? Selling my DVD, showing a little bit of leg, doing what I got to do. And this fucking woman is walking out and her husband is sort of shuffling her out. And she starts going, uh, oh yeah, she, she says,

once again, the twisted up look on her face. She goes, thanks for the domestic violence jokes. I really appreciated it. I really appreciated the domestic violence jokes. Thanks a lot for the domestic violence jokes. That's what she was doing. And because she was saying thanks, it just, it went totally past my head. I was more just confused by her facial expression. So she said, yeah, I really appreciated it. Thanks a lot. I'm literally just waving going, all right, glad you enjoyed the show, which is funny because it probably pissed her off more, but I was sincerely thanking her, completely missing her sarcasm. What she was really saying was I've either dealt with that personally or that's happening to somebody right now or has

happened to someone or I grew up with it or whatever. And you brought up bad memories and you ruined my fucking evening. That's what she was really saying. But of course I took it at face value, which actually when I look back on it, I think makes it even funnier because who's kidding who? She already thinks I'm a fucking moron at that point, you know? So it would actually would have made her a little bit happier if I tried to appear intelligent. If like actually you missed the point of that joke, what I was really trying to do is expose the hypocrisy of some of the relationships between the male and female sexes. If I went that route, you know, then she could have gotten this hope. But the fact that I literally was the moron that

she thought I was, and then that there was this whole line of people, you know what I just realized? I should be struck by lightning. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm one of those fucking morons. Um, all right. So there's that portion of the fucking program. That's 36 minutes, dude. There's no way I'm going more than 50 minutes. I gotta make a judgment call here. Like, uh, I'm trying to find some friends where I can watch this Patriots Jets game because I can't go out and watch just regular games at a sports bar unless it's a team I don't give a fuck about. But there's no way a game like this that I care so much about. Um, I know to a lot of people this is going to be a huge fucking game, which obviously it is, but I gotta be honest with you. I, I, I'm not feeling our

defense. I really want to talk some shit, but I gotta be honest with you. Okay. You guys want to hear my big prediction? I'm going to go out on limb here rather than all these other fucking assholes who email me after the game and don't make any sort of prediction. This is my prediction. I think obviously you guys know, I don't like our fucking defense, but I gotta, and I gotta tell you this, we have no fucking pass rush and the Jets have an fucking incredible offensive line. Those guys are the shit. So what's his face? Sanchez is going to be sitting back there like Bill Cosby doing a standup special. Um, and then you combine the fact with that we have a shit defense that lets up 24 to 30 fucking points a game. I don't like that aspect of it,

but I believe in our offense. I think our offense is great, but they have a great defense. So I don't know. I just really see this being one of those 28 to 17, you know, don't listen to my gambling tips, but if I was gambling and I actually had to put money on this, it was my last fucking hundred bucks. I would, I would take the Jets and the fucking points, but, uh, but if the Patriots do win because we got fucking Tom Brady and we have the genius of Bill Belichick, who can somehow figure out a way during the second half to come back. I think, uh, even if they win, I still don't think it means shit other than that we've come a long way since September, but we'd still have to, I think, right? We'd still have to play the, I don't know, then if the playoffs came around,

I don't play offs. I don't know. I don't know. This game is going to be fucking awesome. Plus, you also got to look at rex ryan has buddy ryan at his fingertips. So this dog, this is going to be a fucking awesome game. This is really going to be an awesome game and I'm going to age at least eight fucking years. I'm not going to be able to handle it. Like I gotta tell you some games like this is how fucking psycho I get. Like I give a shit so much. Sometimes I tape the game and I don't even watch it. And then I just find out if my team wins, then I'll sit down and watch it. But if they lose, I just fucking erase the game because that's how much it affects me. You know, and I know what you think. Oh, what are you a fucking pussy? Yes. I don't know if I'm

pussy up from fucking intelligent. It's like, I don't want, I don't want to waste that amount of my fucking life. I don't want to care that much, but I do. So I try to protect myself. Oh, so let me tell you guys about San Francisco. If you go into San Francisco, if you're going to San Francisco, here's some shit to know their public transportation system takes takes a minute to kind of get to figure it out. They have like all these different subway lines that they're like streetcars and then they go underground. They all sort of funnel into down there, the union square area, the union square area, as far as I can tell is the most touristy fucking place like the Times Square of San Francisco in that I don't think anybody from

San Francisco goes there. I think people from Oakland go in and douchebags like me go down there before they figure out like, oh, this place sucks. But I actually, if the line's not too long, you can jump on one of those rice oroni trolleys and you can go all the way up to fucking North Beach. Hang on, who do we got here? Jesus, these are the guys calling about the game. Hey, Ben, I'm doing my podcast. Let me call you back in like 20 minutes. All right. All right, cool. All right. Yeah, so I don't know. If you go there with your girl, there's all the shops are down there. So you're gonna want to go there. I already told you where to get a burrito. Actually, if you just want to go to Burrito Ground Central, go to the Mission District.

And this is just for people if you're going to San Francisco. And then there's just all kinds of fucking awesome bars. And I actually was staying, you know what, it fucking rained the entire time I was there. Where else did I go? I got some decent Italian food. I went to that place Mama's for breakfast. I wasn't really impressed, but I got French toast. And I figured most people don't, you know, something, that's something that a lot of people don't know how to make. I can actually make better French toast than most the fucking assholes out there. You know, they just don't do it right. They just don't fucking do it right. The bread just doesn't taste right. I go old fashioned the way my mom used to make it. You know, you actually use white

bread, that wonder bread shit. And I know it's a lower quality meat, a fucking bread than they use, but I'm telling you, sometimes you can overthink something. You get too fucking fancy. I'll tell you right now, you go out and make yourself a fried egg. You fry it up in butter. All right, fuck the surgeon general. Every once in a while, you got to tell that guy to stand the fuck down. All right. Sit down, old man. I'm cooking this shit in butter. Right. With your stupid fucking half a beard. Surgeon general looks like he already fucking died. Did he die? When he had that like, like he was the commander in chief of all the love boats, that fucking

uniform. So whatever, you fry it up in butter. All right, you cook it over easy. Take it easy. All right. Cook it over easy. I don't know how the fuck you guys do it. But when I do something over easy, I fucking I turn the egg once. All right, after I cook the fucking egg, and I get it to the consistency I want. Well, I cook it on low heat too, by the way, or else you cook Christ, you'll cook the shit out of it. You cook it on a low heat, right? And then what you do is once you get it looking the way you want it to look, else you put your salt and pepper on the top, right? As it's fucking cooking in the butter. Then you flip it over. And the second you flip it over, you take it off the heat. All right. And you let how hot the pan already is cooked the other side.

All right. It's almost like marking a steak. That's how you do the other side. That way, you get, you know, the egg isn't runny, you know, but you still got the yolk there. All right. Oh, that's how I make an egg over easy. But if I'm making a fucking fried egg, you know, you got to cook the thing over hard. Same shit. You cook it in butter. Sit the fuck down, old man. You cook it in butter. You do that all that bullshit. And you just, you want wonder bread. You want the shittiest fucking bread ever. All right. The kind of shit that you're not going to digest to you, like 60, two slices of wonder bread. All right. Salt and pepper that bitch. You cook it in fucking butter. You put it on the goddamn sandwich and then you put a little

mustard on top of it. Nothing fucking fancy. Not that great Poupon shit. I'm talking broke ass, white trash, fucking my mustard. All right. Yellow plastic container comes out yellow, like mustard should be not that golden shit. None of that stuff straight up. All right. You're fucking, you know, put that bitch on a plate and you go to town. It's delicious. Straight up fucking comfort food. All those fucking places. I don't know why they don't just make shit like that. Just, you know, it's like the McDonald's concept, but you actually use sort of real food. I was speaking to that, you know, when I was walking through hate Ashbury

or the hate, you don't want to get a fucking look like, oh, you're a tourist. Just say I want to go to the hate. How do we get to the hate, right? You go to fucking and I don't know what the fuck, I still feel stupid saying that, but you go out there, you know, and that's where all the dirty white people are. Hey man, can you spare some fucking change man? They got dreadlocks and shit, you know, dirty fucking Wrangler jeans from sitting on the fucking sidewalk. I really am reverse racist when it comes to fucking white homeless people, you know? Okay, if you're white and you're fucking homeless and you're under the age of 62, you're not getting a fucking dime out of me. You're just not. Unless you're maybe, if you're a female and you got that look, you know,

you got that right look, I'll do it, you know, but other than that, it's like, come on, man, seriously, get a fucking job. You're a fucking white dude, go get a fucking job. I really shouldn't be making those jokes in this economy, I apologize, but you know what I'm saying. All right, talking about, I'm not talking about you, if you're out of work right now and you're looking for a job, hang in there, I fucking respect you, all right, but I'm talking about those other bumps, talking about bumps in their 20s. All right, this is the deal, if you're white, if you look like Boxcar Willy, you know, you got to stick with that little kerchief tattoo and I'll give you some money, you know, if you can stick your nose in your mouth because you don't have any fucking teeth,

I'll give you some money, you know, but as far as the rest of the people go, you get money out of me, if you look like you're sober, other than that, you can go fuck yourself. Whatever, who does shit like this in December? This is when old St. Nick is coming down the fucking tube, right? Oh, you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town. You know, did I tell you guys I went up to, I went to this observatory and I was looking at stars the other night because I'm not fucking drinking and I'm desperately trying to fill these hours when I used to have fun in my life and I was looking at the moons of Jupiter and one of the moons was named after some fucking, let's see if I have the

information here, was named after, what the fuck, I think like, you know what, I can wing this, you guys don't need to know the name, you don't give a fuck, one of the moons of Jupiter is named after, Jupiter was basically the Roman Zeus, right, when it comes to mythology, if I remember correctly, they basically stole other gods, like stealing like a fucking script idea, they just changed up the names of the characters, like, no man, it's different, what are you talking about? So Jupiter was married to, I don't know, I don't know what the fucking name was, Apollonia, right, we're just going to use fake names here, and they had a daughter named Heather or Helena, I don't know what the fucking name was, one of the moons is named after

this girl and evidently, this is how this, this is how the story goes in mythology, is Jupiter had basically a crush on his own fucking daughter and his wife, rather than reporting it to the proper authorities, was just simply jealous, like he was banging some hottie down the street, rather than her fucking daughter, so Jupiter's banging his own daughter, his wife gets wind of it, he gets fucking nervous, so he turns her into a cow, not his wife, he turns his beautiful daughter that he was banging into a heifer, heifer evidently is a fucking, a fucking cow that hasn't given a calf yet, you know, it's ready to be fucking banged, raw dog style, right, that's a fucking story, I swear to God, and for all you Jesus freaks out there who are looking

down your nose at that sort of mythology, your fucking religion starts the same goddamn way, Adam and Eve, first two fucking people, they were hanging out, somehow they became more people, it's really weird, like that guy was basically, this guy told this fucking story, or at least brought it up, I guess he didn't tell the whole story, then I researched it, it's just the, the incestuous, the acceptance of incest back in the day, I don't know if it's creepy or if it just makes sense, you know, you gotta be, you gotta be asking yourself this, all right, there's only 40 people on the planet, all right, let's just say 25 of them are women, 15 of them are men, that doesn't even add up, does it, there's 40, yeah it does, 25 and 15 is 40, see that, we all

learned something here today on the podcast, all right, let's say, let's say 15 are men and 25 are fucking women, all right, now who's kidding who, you've been to a bar, there's 25 fucking women in there, all right, how many of them could you completely give a shit about, 12, a good half of them, you don't give a fuck, you're stone sober, yeah whatever with your fucking genes, beat it, all right, you got weird eyebrows, get the fuck away from me, I don't care, so 12 of them are out the window, now you're down to 13 women, how many of them are gonna be hot, let's use the bar analogy, there's gonna be about four hot ones, all right, now if there's 25 women and 15 guys and only four of those women are fucking hot,

there's a good goddamn chance that one of those women is gonna be your daughter, no laws have been made about it, you know, there's no real sorting, they haven't even invented the fucking wheel yet or the hammer, there's no jurisdiction, there's no jurisdiction, there's no laws, I guess that's why it made sense, like why all these religions started that way, and then Thor banged his sister in front of his daughter and nobody questioned the shit, so anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about here, people I'm just trying to get to 50 and it's 51 minutes 45 seconds, it's time to go watch Monday Night Football everybody, all right, let's hope we have a nice fair game, I got a lot of balls saying that as a Patriots fan,

anyways, I'm looking forward to this, I don't like it, I don't have a good fucking feeling, I just, I don't like it, but what's great is, is I had a feeling that I was gonna go undefeated this week 4-0 with my picks and I went 1-3, so the odds have it that the fact that I think the Jets are gonna win means my Patriots might win, right, does that make any fucking sense, all right, listen to this fuck faces, I'm gonna upload this thing and I'm gonna put up some pictures that I took when I was in San Francisco, how hilarious is that, you know, it's like all of a sudden I'm not drinking on the road and now, now I'm taking pictures like a goddamn tourist and I'm telling you how to fry a fucking egg, I don't know if I like it, but I'm 51 days in, I'm definitely gonna

drink again, I just need to learn to do it in moderation so my head doesn't get all big and fat, all right, well that's the podcast for this week, you guys all have a wonderful week, I hope all your dreams come true and dad, go fuck yourselves, okay.