Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-7-17

Episode Date: December 8, 2017

Bill rambles about LA fires,  geography, and NFL predictions.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Yeah. How are you? What's going on? Jesus Christ, I wrote my little notes here. I wrote kleptics instead of Celtics. Huh? Oh, fuck, there's another helicopter flying over. I am out here in Los Angeles. This is on fire. That's all everybody's talking about. Oh my God, are you okay? Are you anywhere near the fire? I am fine. I am fine. I have not had to evacuate yet. I have driven past the fires. It's just, it's just what happens out here plus global warming is the issue. Earlier this year, we had unseasonably high rains and the hills turned green. It looked like fucking Portland, Oregon.

And the fucking dumbass mayor out here is like, the drought is over. So everybody goes back to water in their fucking lawns. And it's just like, the drought is never over out here. It's over fucking populated and we live in a place that should not exist. Okay. That is such a fucking irresponsible statement. We have enough water now where there isn't a drought, but please conserve it because we don't know when it's going to rain like that again. Thank you. And it's, you know, it's on to Chicago and let's win there. That's what the fuck she sort of said. Oh, hey, I don't know what the fuck it was, right? So all it did was just fatten up the fucking lands that always burned out here anyways. It's the Santa Ana winds. They come in off the Mojave Desert over there.

It's like a giant fucking hairdryer. It drives out the fucking, the fucking the hills and then lights on fire. The problem is, is people live there now. So then that's when it becomes a problem like, Oh my God, how are they going to get their fucking Prius out of there? By the way, I love all the people playing like politics, you know, going good. All those fucking liberals are burning out there. It's a LA is one of the most conservative fucking places you're ever going to live in. The second you get into the valley, just get out of there, get out of Hollywood with all these starlet solving problems as they accept a fucking award. You know, let's not forget about the fucking platypuses in the cove next to the blood diamonds.

Thank you so much. This one's for all the fat bitches, right? Whatever the fucking is they say. You know, before they jump in their limo back to their fucking gated community, outside, outside, you just go to Burbank and they're making it great again. All right. And first of all, what kind of a fucking asshole watches fellow Americans houses burned down, you know, and they actually are happy about it. You know what I mean? This is how fucked up like, like politics is becoming in this, in this goddamn country. However, I feel like Hollywood did bring it on themselves with their fucking finger wagon. You know, I told you that fucking jerk off. So this guy on Twitter and he goes, okay, in case you didn't take your smart pills today, um, Obama is

awesome. It's just like, look, how dumb are you that that's how you present your point? As opposed to me, who just calls everybody cunts, you should do it the way that I do it. So anyways, watching all of this shit happen and knowing that, you know, and I believe anyways that we are playing a major role in it is really depressing. But I've, I've now, I've got myself in a positive mindset about it. I just think they think they're going to look at like the last 100 years is just this period in our history where we were wrong. I mean, it's not wrong with oil. We didn't fucking realize that it was going to do all of this shit. But now we know. And I think that's getting in the future. I think that we're going to hopefully will utilize solar power, wind, water, whatever the

fuck it is that these eggheads know how to use. I mean, I saw you saw that flashlight the other day. It just runs on water. I mean, we, we can do stuff like this and we can live happily. All right, we don't need to cut beaks off for chickens. You know, I think in every period, like when you look at how we get to live right now, it's fucking amazing. And even still how we treat each other is amazing compared to way we did it four, 500 years ago. Well, eventually there's going to be four, 500 years beyond this. And they're going to be looking at us like they were barbarians. And they were spraying unleaded fuel until the atmosphere was heating up, houses were burning down and they cut the beaks off the chickens, right? You know, as we sit there thinking we're

fucking amazing because we can take a pill that makes our dick stand up even though we're 85. So I think we're going to come out of it. I think what has to happen is the solar people have to start paying off politicians the way the oil people do. And once that happens, then hopefully what will happen is the same thing that happened in my business where I watched everybody being at the big three networks, all of a sudden wanting to be over at Netflix. So if you look at the big three, like NBC, ABC and CBS is, you know, the oil companies, hopefully everybody will jump over to like solar stuff. And I know what people are saying, they're like, well, you know, you need fucking generators and generators, you fucking,

fucking oil. I know, I realize that, I realize that there's always going to be some sort of lubricant. I understand that. But you know, have you seen that, that fucking shit that Tesla guy came out with where they got the, they got the, the roof tiles that are solar? I don't know if they work yet. I don't know if you can even fucking get them. But if those things fucking work and I mean, there's a thing, there's a thing to blow a billion dollars a month on, right? As opposed to flying F 18s, trying to find fucking people with a little bag of dynamite and some nails in it. Those little cocksuckers over there, man, they're fucking bankrupting us, running around with a little trick or treat bag and we're fucking sitting a billion dollars with

a shit at them every fucking month. They're never going to defeat us in that game. They're going to kill us fucking financially. That's it. I'm off my tree stump that just burned down. One of the great things about spending a lot of time alone is nobody debates the points you're making. So you always feel like you're right. And that's what I'm doing right now. Please, by all means, don't take any of this shit seriously. All right, I'm just fucking around. I talk about what's in the news. Okay, don't get your red tie or your blue tie or your fucking panties in a bunch. All right, grow the fuck up. Hey, what's going on this weekend? The fucking LA Rams, the who would have thought LA fucking

Rams, what are they, nine and two, 10 and two? I don't know where the fuck we are. I'm too busy editing the third season of F is for family. I don't know where the hell we are. God damn it, it's already December. Can you believe that? The regular season of football is almost over. The regular season of college football is already over. We're already into the bowl season. It's just unfucking believable how fast the football season goes by. September, October, November, December. If you look at baseball, that's April, May, June, July. Well, no wonder they still play September. We also, they still play September, August, September and into October and into fucking November. Well, there you go.

Unfucking believable. Well, I guess they play until February here, right? Who knows? Anyways, I was actually going to have time next week to start flying again. The helicopter, I was going to try to get up to 150 hours by the end of the year. I had this flight I wanted to do from Long Beach up to Bakersfield over to Santa Barbara and then back down to Long Beach. It was going to take me roughly like three hours and I was going to do that about five, six times and I was going to get my, I was going to be up to 150 hours and then the fires came and I was like, all right, you know what? I'm not going to be another asshole up there in the fucking way and plus I don't want to have to deal with trying to fly around that shit. So I don't know, maybe I'll do

it in January because I'm taking most of January off. By the way, I was going to be in Santa Barbara this weekend that got moved, that got canceled and moved because of the fires. So I don't know, maybe in February or something like that. I'll let you guys know what the reschedule date is. Anyways, let's move ahead. Oh, and also, I forgot to trash the liberals that were happy that Rupert Murdoch's house caught on fire too. I mean, you're just beyond a childish cunt if watching another person's house on fire because you don't agree with their fucking political views. That just blows my mind, you know? I don't know. Look, if his tie caught on fire, he had to pat it off. I mean, that's funny. You know, the guy's got a zillion fucking ties.

He probably has a zillion houses too. I mean, what am I saying here? I'll tell you what I'm saying. I watched the Celtics. I'm getting caught up on the cellies. The Celtics, I watched my Bruins make a valiant effort to get back in the game with Nashville, which they did. Right as I said in the second period, I was just like, just come on, man, let's score one fucking goal here before the end of the second period. They did still ended up losing five to three, but I don't know. I don't know what the Bruins are doing. You know, I was like, what the fuck are they doing when they blew up the team? And then we started to make some progress last year. And this year, I, you know what, I think we just have, we had a bunch of injuries and

shit. So I'm still holding out hope that they know what they're doing. But I just, I think we just signed some guy that was more of a physical presence, but somebody was still feeling the effects and not having Lucic out there, man, every three or four shifts. But I watched the Celtics first, the Milwaukee Bucks, and I watched that Yanis, Supercalifragile, whatever his fucking name is, the Greek freak, Jesus Christ. The difference between him last year when the Celtics played and this year, I mean, that guy was unbelievable. He had, he had every, every fucking shot you could possibly have. The guy's hitting fucking three pointers. He was dunking on, he was dunking on guys. He was like 12 feet away from the rim and he would just reach his fucking arm, just keeps

going. Um, I got to see that guy live. That is, uh, that's a, when he's fucking young before his knees and he starts, you know, like, you know, like when you look at Tom Brady and he like, when you see his socks and you can see there's all kinds of metal and shit underneath his fucking socks now. Um, or like, uh, Alan Iverson, who by the end was wearing like a cat suit, you know, they had like those compression sleeves and then you got one on your leg. Um, I want to see that dude when he's fucking young, you know, not favoring an injury, just dunking on people the way I saw the other night. It was, it was, it was an incredible display. Um, I got to start watching them. I just don't have fucking time. I, I, this is what I tape. I tape Bruins, Celtics, Patriots

and Duke university. Um, and I try to stay up on those as much as I can. And, um, and I got to start taping the Kansas Jayhawks too. And it's just, it's just not enough fucking time. Kansas Jayhawks, that's my first team. That's my first team, but I got into Duke last year when I went to that game and, um, I don't know. And I also, I called in their show and I got to talk to coach K and he was talking about like how hard it is to recruit now. Um, because everybody's like one and done and he somehow got another whole batch of one and done is that of the shit two or three guys. And, uh, I don't know. It's like what Kentucky does every year, but, uh, I don't know what happened to me. I've slowly become like a college sports fan while trying to still pay attention

to the pro shit, still not knowing what the Los Angeles Rams record is. All right. Oh, we got, we got Jared was his name golf, joff, however the fuck he says that his, his last name is like, how do you say GIF? GIF is a GIF versus our Carson Wentz. Um, although I got to tell you, after watching the Seattle Seahawks last fucking week, I mean, that was, that was, uh, that was an MVP level performance by Russell Wilson. I don't, I couldn't even tell how good their offensive life. It was good. If it just absolutely sucked, it was like every fucking play dropped back for a pass. There'd be like three Eagles, you know, defensive lineman in his face and he would just fucking zigzag around up there, change direction, do a spin. The one thing I will say about the

Seahawks offensive line is they are really good about not holding when some shit like that, because usually when somebody changes direction, somebody's like, ah, fuck, now you're going back the other way. And then they, they just, they're, they can't fight the urge to just hold. They were really good about not doing that shit. I guess when you can't really tackle somebody, there's no reason to block, but, um, I was really, really impressed with how well P. Carroll had those guys play in the fact that, uh, Sherman was out with the rupture to killies and you hate to see that. Where is the fun beating Seattle if, you know, Sherman isn't playing. You're not beating the Seahawks. I mean, come on, you're beating an injured fucking team, but they, they still looked,

uh, I think the Patriots, Jesus Christ, we don't get enough pressure on a quarterback. Forget about a guy that runs around like that. I would not want to play those guys. Um, there, I admitted it. They were a scary fucking team. All right, let me read a little bit of, um, let me read a little bit of this shit here. Um, the advertising. All right, man, crate everybody. This crate is for men only. All right, ladies, you got your own gyms. All right, you're making your speeches. All your feminist speeches. Well, look what happens. Now there's the pushback. Man crate, a crate for a man. Um, or if you're a lady out there and you want to get by your guy,

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All right. But wherever they are, I don't see them right now. I'm taking a month off. I'll still obviously tweet and post shit, but I'm not reading anything or any of that fucking crap. I'm trying to be perfect Billy this month. I'm trying to go back to the bill that I was when I was eight years old. I didn't drink. You know, I didn't take the occasional hit of weed. I didn't fucking, I didn't watch porno, right? I didn't watch people getting fucking slapped by gorillas on fucking YouTube, but didn't exist. Okay. I had a pure fucking mind. I went outside, I picked up a stick and I played cowboys and Indians and reenacted the genocide that made this country what it is. Okay. I was innocent. Yeah. I'm just trying to fucking, I'm trying

to slow it down here. All right. I've been doing great, man. Dean Delray has got me on this fucking diet that is working for me. I just got to eat more salads. I got to get, I got it. I haven't been doing that lately, but I swear to God, I know you guys are going to fucking hate me. I know you're going to fucking hate me. I'm laying off the bread. I'm kind of doing that gluten free thing. You know, I used to always be like, fuck that dude. I'm always eating pizza. I'm always eating bread and shit. I got to tell you something, dude, the fucking weight just, if you don't booze and you lay off the bread and the flour that, you know, and you eat well, the fat has nowhere to hide. It's like fucking roaches when you turn the light. Oh,

I guess they run and hide, don't they? I don't know what it is. I don't know. I don't know. Hey people, I don't know what the fucking analogy is. It's out there somewhere. All right. But it's not in my brain right now. And I'm actually liking the goddamn food. I finally went to steal cut oats. And for some reason on this diet, I'm putting a little brown sugar and a little bit of butter in there. It's been fucking tremendous. And I know there's all these people going, oh my God, butter is going to clog up your arteries. You know what? Fuck you. I got to eat something. Then I have a couple of eggs over agey. I got this other thing that I can make sometimes for breakfast where it's just

quinoa, black beans, and an egg. I throw a little salsa on top. Fucking delicious. I just don't wrap it up. One of those giant flour tortillas, you know what the fucking, you know what the deal is, then all of a sudden you start throwing the sour cream on and the cheese and all of that shit. And you literally like you're fucking, you leave the taco stand and you're fucking walking out like leaning to one side, like someone punched in your fucking ribs. Yeah. And then also my teeth are getting fucked up down the bottom. Just as you get older, I guess your jaw keeps growing or whatever. This is whatever the fucking dentist told me. So I actually, I finally bit the bullet and I got that fucking Invisalign. So I got to wear that thing for the next 12 to 16

weeks. And I'll do it. I'll tell you right now, dude, it fucking sucks. It sucks, man. But it definitely makes you eat less because it's like, I don't want to take this fucking thing out and go through this whole rigmarole. Oh my God, dude, you realize I'm bald. I'm going to be 50 and I'll be wearing braces. Can you understand the trifecta of fucking? Thank God I have knee in my life. Can you imagine if I was a single man and that's what the fuck I was doing? I'm kind of doing like a fucking light overhaul on my body right now. I'm laying off the booze. I'm getting my fucking teeth down the bottom because I was starting to look like a fucking, I don't know what, some sort of, where are my references today? I don't know where the hell

they are. I'm trying to think that there's a couple of fucking wild. What's that fucking thing that exists in South America? And it's the worst kind of animal to be. It's like you, you're like, you exist to keep the top predators alive. Like people, ah, they fuck like rabbits. The reason why rabbits fuck like that and they have all this because everybody eats them in the wild. Okay. They're like the, hey, you guys want to get some sliders? That's what like rabbits are in the wild. So there's some sort of fucking, it's not a pig and it's not a rat. What is that? I got to look it up now. South America. I want to go to South America so bad. South American pig rat. Let's see if they show it. The fuck is it? Come on, man. Come on, internet.

A capy, capybara. Is that what it is? These giant guinea pigs? That's what my lower teeth are starting to look like. Come on, clicking on the images. Did I do it right? Did I? Bam! Fucking nailed it. Fucking nailed it. It's like if a squirrel fucked a pig. Well, they have, they have like surprisingly, what are they? Pig size rats. I got to admit they're kind of cute. The face really makes them fucking cute. This is going to be like the next Pixar movie. These giant motherfuckers. By the way, dude, yeah, South America, man. I've wanted to go there for so goddamn long. I just don't have the time. I'd love to go down there and do a fucking show. You know, I've always wanted to go to the Galapagos Islands, all of this shit. It just seems green and beautiful. You know, I don't

know. I got to get my ass fucking down there at some point. Why the hell wouldn't I? If I talk about global warming, why don't I jump on a fucking jet plane and spray unleaded, let it fuel across the fucking atmosphere for a good 12 hour flight from LA? This is how dumb I am. I actually thought, because I moved out here, I was actually, it was a shorter flight to fucking like Brazil or something. I didn't realize that like, you know, when you look at it, if you're in New York and you flew due south, you'd be on the east, the west coast of their country. Yeah, Bill. Yeah, we all have a globe. We've all looked at a map at some point. Well, you know what? Sometimes I don't look at shit. Anyway, so I don't know shit about NFL football this year. So I'm actually going to go

out on a limb here and say something that is based on watching one football game. I'm actually thinking, all right, that the winner of the Rams Eagles game will fucking lose to Seattle. Oh, but Seattle might be on the road. Come play off time. I have no, can you imagine if Marshawn Lynch didn't fucking retire and kept was still playing with them, but they got that other kid that fucking mini Marshawn, that guy with a fucking maniac. I don't know what P care, what the fuck P Carol does, you know, aside from looking the other way when half his defense is doing fucking steroids. I don't know what they're what's in the water up there in Seattle, but they got some people that could fucking play. All right, I'm done blowing the Seattle Seahawks. All right, that's the

podcast here for this, this wonderful Thursday. Old sober bill, who would have thought old slender sober bill? I finally stood on the scale today after fucking not boozing, eating like a fucking Hollywood douche. And you know, when I went back in August, I was pushing like, I was like 187. I was pushing like pushing, you know, it's closing in on 200 there. I'm now down to about, I said 171.6. It's perfect. My clothes fit now. And this is what I'm going to do this time. All right, I'm actually going to buy jeans that fit, you know, when I'm this way. Because the problem is, is I have a bunch, all my jeans fit me when I'm 187. So as I put on the way, and I don't notice, I'm all comfortable, just fucking walking around my big fucking jeans.

Oh, Billy, big jeans. Oh, that might be my favorite one. Oh, Billy, big jeans. I'm not fucking doing it anymore. Do you understand me? Do you still speak English? I'm fucking, I'm going to, there's like a skid row right down the street from me. I don't go to Goodwill anymore. I don't trust those cunts. All right. What I do is I go down to skid row, and I go, hey, you homeless motherfuckers who want free clothes. No, I don't do that. I, you know, anybody who's sort of my size, step right up. I just know I go down and I just have the bag and I walk up to where the tents are, and I just fucking set it down and I turn around and I walk away like fucking Santa Claus for junkies. Okay. And I got all kinds of shit in there, you know, and it's just funny to me

that, uh, that I'm, I'm giving away clothes that like maybe I like this, some like fucking homeless guy walking around wearing a shirt that I wore on Conan O'Brien. I know what I should be doing is going down there and thinking, oh my God, this is so sad that fellow Americans have to live this way, but I am such a self-involved Hollywood douche. I actually walk away still thinking about how, about myself and how I just gave away clothes that had TV credits. You know, I hate that about myself, but, you know, I'm just being honest. I do. And I also feel good that I did something like that. Right. It's all that stuff that allegedly Jesus doesn't appreciate, you know, heathens praying in public. I should just do that shit and

not tell you guys that I did it, but now I'm telling you that I did it, which takes away the, uh, the good deed. Cause if you do a good deed, just so you can walk around and talk about or sit down and talk about it on a podcast, you're not a good person. You're a cunt. And, uh, yeah. So that's what we learned here. You know, if there really was a Jesus, if there really was a Santa Claus, there'd be coal in my stocking and I would be on my way to the fiery depths of hell. Right. According to my religion, just because I went down there and I gave the clothes, but then told you guys about it. That's how it works in my religion. That's how my religion is. Um, all right. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about this point. All right. That's

the end of the podcast. Okay. But fortunately we have some bonus material for you. We're going to play a little music. The great Andrew Thamelis always comes up with these tracks. You guys are always like, Hey man, like who's this being? Wow, Bill, you listen to all this interesting music. It's not me. It's Andrew. All right. And then after the music is over, you'll then be able to listen to a, uh, greatest hits podcast from a Thursday gone by from earlier this year, a fucking, I don't know when the hell I started these. And that's how it works. And if you have a problem with that, then you know what I would do. I would go to the all things comedy network and I would listen to a different podcast. By the way, thank you guys so much for buying tickets to the Patrice O'Neill

comedy benefit. Um, tickets are going fast. The lower level is already sold out. Now we got the upper two decks to go. You know what? It makes a wonderful Christmas gift. Why don't you get your best guy friend a fucking, um, uh, a bouquet of candy cane fucking roses from pro flowers and get, you know, and then in the card, when they think that, that you went gay for them and they're going like, Oh my God, how do I still hang out with this guy? I thought it wasn't homophobic. I'm not homophobic until my best guy friend who I thought was straight has a crush on me. Is that considered homophobia? Okay. If you don't have a problem with gay people, but then one of your friends who you thought was straight, then I'm going to use this, the, the, the stupid expression

becomes gay. You know, like, like, like they caught the mumps or something. Um, tells you that this whole time they've been gay and that they also have feelings for you. If you get weirded out by that, like, dude, I can't hang out with you, but can't hang out with you for a while until, uh, yeah, I can't hang out. I don't think I can hang out with you. I mean, a woman would say that, right? If you were just like, you know, I'd only been friends for a while, but I just want to let you know that I've developed feelings for you. Yeah. You're not coming over her apartment to fucking watch survivor at that point anymore, unless, unless she has feelings for you, right? Isn't that how it works? I don't know. All right. There's a lot of times I should have stopped a

podcast 10, 15 minutes earlier. And, uh, this might be one of those times. I have no idea, but you know what I have to do? The second I fucking shut this off is I have to put my fucking invisible line back in. It's fine. Once they're fucking in there, but one year when you pop them in, they're like, it's, you know, to get the best results, wear it 22 hours a day. You know, you ever go to the airport and you see those people who like broke their fucking ankle. And then it's like, they got that thing that they are. It's like a scooter and they can just rest their knee on it. This is like, this is the teeth version of that. I don't understand why those people just don't use

fucking crutches. Do they have like that little upper body strength? Is there a cast that fucking heavy or is it just more efficient? Those are the hard hitting questions we ask here in the podcast. All right. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Enjoy the music and the greatest hits Thursday afternoon, just before Monday, no, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. I have the urge to make a pumpkin pie this week. I want to practice before the holidays. Ginger scumbag. Bill, I've been a fan of yours for 15 years. Okay. So you guys got that? This guy has been a fan of mine for 15 years. So for 15 years, this guy has been following me enjoying things that I'm doing.

All right. This guy's locked in for 15 years. The people that work hard every day and spend their hard earned cash, that's kind of redundant, sir. If you work hard, then you have hard earned cash. All right, we got an easy job, you know, then you'd be spending your fucking titty money, right? Bill, just read the fucking email. All right. It's having fun. Bill, I've been a fan of yours for 15 years. The people that work hard every day and spend their hard earned cash to see you have been really disappointed. This is one of the classic things when people complain rather than just complaining for themselves. They act like they're standing in front of like a zillion people and they go, relax, attention, everyone. I will send the email and we'll convey all of your feelings.

Get on with your day. Relax. I will handle it. So evidently he has like, you know, all of these people are disappointed in me. He said the people that follow you and made you who you are. They made me people. I didn't work hard on stand up. I was just standing there and they all said, Hey, you, we have decided to make you and who you are. So set it be said, so set it be done. He said, you have made dates all around the country and then canceled them when Hollywood calls you to do a part. That's exactly what happened. I picked up the phone. I said, hello, they said, this is Hollywood here. We're calling you to do a part. See the people that go to your shows and made you that made you aren't making a 10th of the money that you make, but they pay to see you.

Hey, ginger boy without these fans, your illiterate ass would be working at McDonald's at best. Now, I take offense to that, sir. Okay. Without my fan base, I would not be working at McDonald's, you son of a bitch. I would be unloading trucks in a warehouse. Get it straight. He goes, you're a scumbag BA GE, you're a scumbage. And I hope every fan realizes what you are and stops going to your shows. I will never listen to your shows or podcasts again, and we'll tell everyone to do the same. You are the typical sellout to Hollywood fucking disappointment. I know you won't have the balls to read this on your podcast. Instead, you will read a letter from a 20 year old guy confused about his girlfriend's sex sexuality. This is the best part here. You're a real cunt. Fuck you

and everything you do. That's one of the greatest endings. One of the greatest endings to any email they ever got. You're a real cunt. You're the real deal. If you tip over your cunt, you see the stamp of approval from the cunt factory. And then it's just not fuck you. It's fuck you with everything you do. Even when I go to the grocery store. Yeah, that too. Fuck you when you're picking out apples. Jesus Christ, sir. You made me. Did I have anything to do? Did I do anything? Did I work? Did I not fucking go on stage and eat my balls learning how to do this? I guess you did. All right. Listen, I just want to thank you for making me without your hard work of going through. I mean, I can't imagine how many. I mean, how many people live in this country? I just can't

imagine when you're just going through the mug book trying to figure out who you've decided will become a professional comedian. That just is and the fact that you also have a day job during the time where I guess you're grossly underpaid. I mean, that's just incredible to me. Sir, what the fuck do you want from me? Let me ask you this. Okay. If Hollywood called you and asked you to be in a movie, you're going to say no. You're going to say no. All right. And like you told your mom, hey, listen, mom, don't worry, I'll come over and I'll clean up your yard this Saturday. All right. And then all of a sudden, Hollywood comes to call and says, Hey, do you want to pretend you're a lot tougher than you are and get into a gunfight and get shot

by, I don't know, whoever your favorite actor is. You're going to say, no, I have to go. I got a stick. You've never broken a fucking thing. You know what? Fuck that. Even like a playoff game comes along. You've never fucking had to change the schedule. Sir, I had to cancel some dates. I didn't cancel them. I rescheduled them. The fuck do you want from me? Do you want me to stay in the strip malls for my entire career telling jokes? I did that. I'm trying to fucking, you know, and all, all, all these movies to do is make more people know who I am. So more people come out to my shows so I can keep writing more hours and having a good time. All right. I don't even know why I'm talking to you. You said you're never going to listen to my shit again.

Right. Are you a man of your word? After you're saying I'm not a man of my word. If you're actually listening to this, then you're a fucking hypocrite. All right. What's the matter? Jesus Christ. You fucking pissed on your sweatpants this week. I don't know what the fuck that was all about. You didn't even say what, what it was. You made dates all around the country and then canceled them. The fuck are you talking about? I had one tour. I had to move around and I fucking did the first two dates that I'm, I've made up a one, two, three cents then and add in another one that wasn't even on that original tour. So go fuck yourself. All right. All the tickets are honored

and if you can't make that date, you get it refunded. Jesus Christ. You know, that, that tour that I was going to do, I was just going to land in Boise, you know, jump on a bus and knock them all out in 10 days. Now, because that whole thing blew up, now I got to get on it. You know, it's like an extra 10 airplane ride. You don't hear me bitching. Do you? You're a real cut and fuck you with everything you do. That was worth it. That was worth them getting mad. That's fucking tremendous. Sir, you know what? As much as you, you disappointed me, you're a real disappointment. You fucking jerk off. You've liked me for 15 years, one canceled fucking gig and now you, now you're saying fuck me and everything I do.

I make that pumpkin pie this week. You're saying fuck the pie too. That's a part of it. You're saying fuck America. If you're saying fuck punk, punk and pie, but I gotta, I am a real cunt. You know, I can't argue that. You know something? Can somebody please put that on a t-shirt. You're a real cunt. Fuck you and everything you do. Just to have that just out there. They're native soil, aiding each other like good comrades to the utmost of their strength. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France. We shall fight on the seas and oceans. We shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air. We shall defend our island, whatever the cuts may be. We shall fight on the beaches.

We shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the fields and in the streets. We shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burris, the Monday Morning Podcast and I think I have the swine flu. Oh yeah, I'm sweating here, roasting, baking, boiling. It's like a fucking sauna. I got sick in Cleveland. Why did I play Winston Churchill to begin this podcast? I'll tell you why you group of fucking cunts. It's because I'm one week out from my stand-up special, my next hour special that I'm taping December 17th, two shows at the Fillmore in San Francisco, California and I am beyond fucking ready for this thing and I'm getting myself psyched up and I

always fucking loved that speech. First heard it as an Iron Maiden fan when Power Slave came out, right? Not Power Slave when the fucking the live, the live when they were screaming for me Long Beach. Remember that one? They played that speech right before they went into Ace High and I was like, what the fuck is that speech? That's, you know, it's incredible. We'll fight on the land. We'll fight in the seas and the ocean. We shall never surrender. Can you imagine that? What a fucking time to be alive. All these fucking NFL coaches getting credit for their little halftime adjustments, you know? Well, it's win-win for the Gipper. There's nothing compared to that shit. You understand what the fuck was going on?

Can you imagine living in that little fucking island they call a country over there in England? That little sissy ass little fucking island. I'm just fucking with you, you cunts. You're living over there in England and you got that fucking sweaty, cowlicked, half a mustache psychopath, Adolf, getting all those fucking maniacs all excited for the Blitzkrieg and you're sitting there having your little fucking cup of tea, whatever the fuck it is you do over there. You know, with your fucking handmade britches listening to the radio. There you go to this guy. We shall fight on the land. We shall fight in the sea. Fight in France. Ah, that's the fucking greatest. That's the fucking greatest thing ever. And they did it. They fucking fought

them off. They survived the fucking Blitzkrieg. What exactly was the Blitzkrieg? That was Adolf's strategy where he hits you from the air, from the sea and also on the land all at once. Was that what it was? Or was it just his bombing sort of, I don't fucking know. My nose is clogged up. I want to fucking, I want to nose transplant. This sucks. Fucking blows. I was getting sick on the way to Cleveland. You know, I was fighting this shit. We kind of have a fucking asshole gets a cold in Los Angeles. You know, that's why I moved out here. I was like, oh my god, I'm so sick of getting the sniffles. I don't want to get the sniffles anymore. I'm fucking losing my voice. It's a Sunday night. It's 9 31. And just flew back from

Cleveland today. I'm supposed to be in my acting class. And I wasn't able to do that because obviously, you know, I'm not one of those fucking, don't you hate that? Fuck those fucking assholes who are sick and they still come to work. And then, and then not only do they come to work, they want to get like, like, they want you to like be like, wow, what a trooper. It's like, dude, you're fucking sick and now you're going to make me sick. You know, get out of here. Go crawl back down your fucking manhole. Whoever you got that 28 days virus that you're fucking bringing in here, you maniac it out of here. The fuck out of here. What you do here is not important. Do you understand that? That's why your cubicle is so small. Take a fucking day off.

I fucking hate all those people. All those assholes, the first fucking warm day in the spring. And you look out the door. What do you see some asshole in a tank top and fucking short shorts, jogging down the fucking goddamn river, right? Right next to the fucking river. Stupid son of a bitch is going to get sick and then he's going to fucking show up and get everybody else sick. So I don't do that shit. When I get sick, I stay home and I do a podcast. That's what I do. Ah, fuck. I got one of those those headaches where if when you're lying down, it doesn't hurt. And then when you get up, you almost fucking tip over, you can feel every time your heart beats on either side of your forehead. Ah, fuck. You know what I noticed? It's such a weird night.

You know, if you don't watch football, like Sunday night, especially around December, they showed all the first run episodes. So they got a lot of reruns. And now they're trying to do some little holiday special things. I was just watching Pavarotti duets live from, I don't know where I'm going to guess Italy because it looked European. The guy's singing in Italian. I know it's opera. Can we sing it at anywheres, but whatever. And I turn it on and there's Annie Lennox and that scraggly dude from the Eurythmics and they're singing some song. She's a terrible dancer, by the way. That really surprised me. And he's standing there stoically in a little, in his fucking tuxedo, waiting, waiting to sing. She's dancing around like, you know,

you know, like when you want to adjust your fucking underwear, but you can't use your hands because you're in public. So you do that little weird move with your fucking, you know, sort of Elvis. Oh, you do a whoo. Yeah. Yeah. My fucking underwear is up my ass. Right. If I wasn't sick, I would have done that smoothly. That would have actually would have been funny. So anyway, she's dancing like a fucking retard. And he's just standing there. She's sitting there going, sweet dreams are made of these. Wait for him to be like, hey, come on. Hey, get your tour. I don't know what the fuck it is. I know what they're doing. You know, I should actually keep my voice down because downstairs is this is an old guy who lives beneath me. Just picture Pat Cooper

if he wasn't funny, just keep the rage and eliminate all the brilliant jokes. That's what lives underneath me. And he's a fucking cunt. And I'm gonna tell you why. Because he yells at my girlfriend. All right, this fucking old motherfucker yells at my girlfriend, but he only does it when I'm on the road. Okay, cowardly bastard. So it's like, first of all, how the fuck do you know when I'm not in town? This is what happens. We have hardwood floors. And you know, my gorgeous girlfriends, like most gorgeous girlfriends, they have a lot of horny shoes. You know, all women have their little horseshoes, you know, the sound they make when they go across, you know, and she tries to put them on the last seconds before she leaves. You know,

you know, that sound of the horseshoes, the who shoes hitting the hardwood floor, maybe some linoleum. Have any of you guys noticed that you can be engrossed in the greatest conversation ever with one of your guy friends? And the second you hear high heels hitting the floor, you immediately both of you stop talking, you turn to look, you know, let's see, let's see what level of horror we're talking. Oh, oh, the old business suit. Oh, yeah, I have a career. I'm not that kind of girl. Your shoes are giving you away, Wendy. We know all about you. And you're drunken escapades down at the TGI Fridays. Okay, so stop with your whole Demi Moore little fucking vibe. What is going on with that fucking broad anyways, Demi Moore, is she going to age at any point?

You know what, when I was flying out back from Cleveland, I actually sometimes I don't want to think and I bought People magazine. And you know, you do the crossword puzzle, you feel smart and start with seven across on happy days. Hanson Williams. Oh, God, look at that 17 letters. What am I, what am I trying to say here? Yeah, so they said, so some woman had written in. I wish I still had the magazine. Somebody asked me if they were like, can I look at that? Can you look at it? You can fucking have it. Blow your nose on it. I don't give a shit. It's People magazine. Some lady had written in because they had written a big article on Demi Moore,

where they were just so sexy, so hot and 48. And then this, this person had written in in response to that so sexy, so hot and 48. Yeah, anybody could be that with Botox, a private chef and a fucking personal trainer, you know, women are really competitive with that shit. You know, that's like if they did an article and they talked about the toughest guy ever on the planet, you know, no matter how much you respect them at some point, you're going to have to be like that. That guy's a fag. You know, dude, all I would, you know what I would do, dude, right? No, I'm serious, dude. You know what I would do? I would fucking, I'd walk up to him, you know, like, hey, bro, what's

going on? You want to go buy a run? Which the second he looked away, dude, I front kick him right in his knee and blow out his fucking ACL. Dude, I'm telling you, it works. I'm taking this fucking Israeli shit, dude. I'm telling you, telling you, I took like two classes and now I just use the fucking G is pajamas, but you know, I still feel like I know how to fight. Shut up. Yeah, there's a few girls out there who just are not aging. To me, more Courtney Cox. I don't know what they just like. That's a funny thing about their Courtney Cox show that she has that's out right now, where she's, you know, she's supposed to be like this desperate, what the fuck do they call those? Jesus, wolves, ducklings, cougars. There we go.

There we go. Fucking Nyquil kicking in, baby. Yeah, she's supposed to be this desperate cougar trying to fucking, you know, hook up with the younger guy. And it's like, all right, first of all, she's still hot. And she's in ridiculously good shape. And then the way they shoot her with that fucking, I don't know what the trick is that, but it basically eliminates every line in your face. So now she looks like she's like 31, 32, you know, that's a hot age for a woman. So like, that the whole fucking thing doesn't work for me. You know, and then they got her dressed like this. They're so fucked on that show, because they're trying to appeal, I guess, to this certain segment of women that they're going to watch it, who are in that situation. There's a lot of divorces

out there, 53%, right? But, and the other thing, but the other side of it is they have to make her look good. You know, they got a horror route. So they kind of cancel each other out. Like, it doesn't make sense. I'm like looking at going, wow, I fucking bang that girl in a second. She's gorgeous. Right? But then they're making her walk around like she's desperate. You know, I just realized I admitted that I watched that show. When the fuck did I watch it? Do I at least have the out that I was on the road and I was lonely? I think I watched that show by myself in my own apartment. Wow. You know, every once in a while, you find a new level of sadness in your life that you didn't even know exists, like your

so not even in touch with how pathetic your life has become that you just openly admit something like that. And then by the end of it, you know, like, if you guys were actually sitting here, like halfway through it, you would have given me that look, the same look you just gave your fucking iPod or your radio or your Hi-Fi, whatever the fuck you're listening to this thing on, you know, except I didn't see it. That's the great thing about this podcast is when I, when I start opening up and making an ass out of myself, you guys can sit there and laugh at me and fuck, I wish you were here right now because I would have stopped that story. Wow, that's embarrassing. That is really fucking embarrassing. So anyways, I'm sick

and I'm getting ready to do my special, but I'm getting over this shit. I don't give a fuck. I want to thank everybody who came out to see me at Hilarides in Cleveland this past weekend. I had a great time and you know, I want to thank Nick for having me out there, just a fucking great club owner, you know, salt of the earth guy. He's one of these guys, he's like fucking, I don't know how old the guy is. He's somewhere in his 60s. I'll say 61 in case he's listening. I know he's like 63, but he still lifts, still wears like a wife beater, but he's a classy guy, you know, he's still, he can still fuck somebody up. It's, you know, it's very inspirational. You know, what's funny about him too is that you can tell that he,

I, we were talking about having a temper and I have a temper, but I wear my more of my sleeve, which lets you know that I'm pretty much harmless, but it's, it's the guys who you know have a temper and they're, they're, they're really soft spoken. Those are the guys who will literally twist your fucking head off like a fucking beer cap. You know, those guys, he's one of those dudes like somebody told me a fucking story about him doing some crazy shit and then I asked him about it and then he's telling the story and he's just, oh, you know, I kind of, you know, you know, I had a situation and, you know, things got interesting and, you know, I mean, it's just one of those things and it's what happened and they just like immediately moves on

and then later on you find out he beat the shit out of seven guys with like a fire hydrant, you know, as opposed to the other guy who doesn't even throw a fucking punch and then adds like 97 details, right? So I could tell the way he was standing that he was a southpaw. So I start cheating to the right, right? Shut the fuck up. Don't I'm telling you, I'm taking this jiu-jitsu stuff, you know, I started watching Spike, you know, went down, I got a, I got a gi, I went down there, took one class, I got my ass kicked, but I'm really good at like seeing things for like an hour and then being able to talk about them like I've been doing it for 10 years. While my nose just hit another level of being fucking stuffed up. Okay. This is going to be a short podcast, everybody.

All right. What else can I admit to that's fucking embarrassing? It's not embarrassing. Santa Claus is coming to town. Is that the name of it? Is on tomorrow that, that claimation thing that I used to watch as a kid and I'm recording it and I'm going to watch it with my girlfriend. Hopefully I'll have a Christmas tree up by then and if I had a fireplace that would get a fire going, but I don't. So I'll just light our little fuck candle. Anyways, happy holidays to everyone. I have not even started my shopping. You know, I do a thing on this podcast where people give me, I give people advice and this week somebody is actually giving me advice. How the fuck do both nostrils get clogged up at the same time? A fucking dog sleeps all day, all day long and then it comes in at night and it

is like tired from sleeping. You're a bum. Look at you. You know, I'm teaching the dog how to speak and I swear to God, you got to hear it. You got to hear it. It's absolutely adorable to me. It will be annoying to you and I'm going to, I'm going to fucking play it. Oh, I know what I wanted to do. I wanted to go on fucking YouTube and find out why Carcillo got suspended against the fucking capitals. Dude, that guy, I swear to God, is like Mickey Featherstone on fucking skates. Jimmy Coonan, you know, that's why when I look at him, he's got that same haircut. Anybody read that book, the Westies? That's what he reminds me of. Like he should be in Hell's Kitchen in the 70s, but he's playing for the Flyers. All right, Carcillo suspended. Let's see what this brings

up. Sorry, Winston Churchill. Cheapshot, Carcillo. That's 2000. What the fuck did he do? But anybody knows what he did. Let me know. Just let me know what he did. He did something against the capitals. I have no fucking idea. Anyways, let's get on to the advice. Somebody wanted to give me some advice this week, which is a nice turn of the event. Considering it is the holidays. All right. Jesus Christ. Carcillo has more fight videos than Britney Spears has. Look at my vagina videos. Thank you. That was a joke. Sorry, I'm sick. This is really bad. Come on, Bill. Step it up. Oh, you know, I didn't finish telling the story about the guy downstairs, right? So this fucking asshole. This is what he does. Anytime my girlfriend walks across the floor, he just goes,

what does he say? He goes like, oh, great. Keep it up. Keep it up. He says he's real sarcastic. And it infuriates my girl to no fucking end to the point that she's claiming that he's harassing her and she wants me to go downstairs and have a talk with this guy. There's no way this isn't going to be fucking hilarious, which I'm going to go do, right? But I don't understand. Like, if this guy, what if this guy just says, you know, why don't you go fuck yourself? What am I going to do? I mean, I wouldn't fight this guy if he was my age. I wouldn't. And now I'm going to have a fucking seven year old guy who lives alone at all. It's a sad fucking thing. I'm just like, why don't you just laugh it off? I dropped something when I was up here one time and he goes,

he's real sarcastic and he goes, do it again. And you know what I did? I did it again even harder and I yelled out, how was that? And he's never yelled at me again. You know, guy's fucking harmless. Jesus Christ, having a woman in your life. That's what I got. I got him downstairs and confront this guy like I'm in a Bronx tale. You know? Anyways, all right, here's the advice I got. Jesus Christ, my fucking nose is, it's done. Only 19 minutes in. This is going to be a half hour one. All right, guys, I'm sorry. Whatever, you got shopping to do, don't you? Got a shop for Kwanzaa, Hanukkah. Are there, how many days of Hanukkah are there? Is there like 13? Why don't I keep asking questions about the Jewish religion? I think I'm searching for something new.

You know, I'm aware of my mortality, especially with the swine flu that I caught out in Cleveland. Don't you guys just celebrate it on one day? Or do you really have to buy somebody 13 fucking gifts and give them something every day? That's not more than a religious bullshit. That's, that's their version of Jesus pulling the fish out of the fucking basket, wearing some guy named Jebediah. He only had enough fucking noxema to keep the zits off his face for five days and some, but somehow he did it for fucking 13. Really? Who gives a shit? Just sit around the collection basket. We'll keep paying for your mansions. All right, dear Bill, a regular listener of your weekly podcast, which I enjoy immensely. Thank you. I noticed on occasion that you have mentioned

you are learning to play guitar. First of all, kudos. Secondly, please tell me that you will never fucking incorporate any form of guitar playing into your act. I know it's easy to learn if you open chords and then pile all your C grade material into some bullshit song. I know you can do it. And I know people read idiots would laugh at you and you'd kill five, 10 minutes of set time easy. However, please promise me you will never stoop to that level. Sincerely, a concerned fan. Ah, it's fucking hilarious. Yeah, dude, I have no intentions of doing that, but I hope I do do it someday. I'm standing up right now hoping this will clear me up. Oh, it's like magic. You like that? You like hearing me sniffle on this fucking thing? I actually hope that I do that one day, sir. And

you know why that is? Because that would mean that I have actually reached such a level of success that no one around me can tell me what a horrible mistake I'm fucking making with my career, you know, kind of like Al Pacino in the 90s. He was like so, you know, such a legend at that point. Not one director ever pulled him aside. It was like, Al, you're yelling. Yeah, yeah, you're just, you're just sort of yelling. You're not, you're not acting. You're just yelling. No, no, no, I'm serious. We're like on the sixth day of the shoot here. And, you know, I mean, this scene is like, you know, two lines, you're getting some coffee and a donut and, yeah, you're just kind of yelling. And I don't, I mean, I respect you, we're the godfather, but,

you know, you just, you know, one of those deals. So if I actually got to the point where nobody actually told me to stop, you know, to not go on stage with a guitar, dude, I'm like, I'm never going to do that shit. I should never say never, but I'll tell you this, I'd be lying if I didn't already fantasize about doing it, you know, like fucking having the greatest hour special of all time. And then he had my encore as I come out, I play better than Stevie Ray Vaughn, you know, and then next thing, you know, I'm playing drums and them crooked vultures when David Grohl has to take a night off, right? Don't you guys have fantasies like that? You got to dream big and then sit down and watch that Courtney Cox fucking

whatever the fucking cougar show is. Oh, he had a little epilogue here to this. He said, PS, I saw that picture of you playing with the Victor Wooten band playing drums with them and know that you've been an avid drummer for a long time. So what's it like to learn a real instrument now? Booyah. That's fucking guitarists. They're also full of themselves. They're feathered hair playing the same fucking power chords that have been playing said fucking Peter Frampton. Why don't you guys get over yourself? You know, you know what? I hope you go to a holiday party for no particular reason. Just in the vein of a Bronx tale, every time I think of a Bronx tale, his chazz pulmonary in the end of that pistol just comes out and whacks him in the back of the head,

you know? I hope that happens to you, but it's a fucking ukulele. I don't want you to die, but I just really want you to take a nice fucking, get a little blood force trauma with the ukulele. What do you think about that? I would love to have YouTube video of you alone, you know, some of the stupid rock poses that you probably did back in the 80s if you're older. Huh? Did you do the point in a little kick? Did you do the thing, the state trooper? To the 10th power where you stand with your legs apart, but really far apart? Huh? Admit it. You ever done that? Mr. Guitarist, Mr. Fucking Musician? Huh? You never do a little tap on solo in the bathroom mirror and then started flicking your tongue like you were licking a clit?

Huh? Because you saw the White Snake video? Did you lick your guitar like the douchebag in that band? That's what I want to know. I fucking, you know, guitars are so fucking annoying. They really think, you know, they all think they're fucking virtuosos. They're not, you know, they're doing the same bullshit. I actually didn't notice that, you know? I'm not even gonna say that. Why would I do that? Then it'd be shit on a band that I fucking like. All right, let's plow ahead here. The fuck is wrong with my keyboard here? All right, Bill. This is what I would tell you right now. This guy is asking me for advice and I don't know what to do on this one, okay? So I need some help on this one. All right, Bill, I have a situation for you.

So I've been banging this Engage Girl for the past several months. And we're in. We just went in with both feet. Okay. How's the water? Fine. All right. I started with the two years ago, but we took a break for a year when she got engaged in 2008. She reinitiated our arrangement over the summer. What the fuck? I'm sorry, guys. I gotta stand up here so I don't get fucking... All right. While I know it's wrong to be banging Engage Girls, she's a petite Latin girl, a great lay. She's 22 when her fiance lives over in London. A guy has to eat too. That's what he says. Yeah, you just justified it. However, now that the miserable son of a bitch is moving from London

to New York to be with her, it hit me that marriage is actually a serious move in life, and this poor bastard is going to be spending the rest of his life with her. Not only do I feel a bit guilty, though I don't hesitate to call her at 4 a.m. when I'm at least 20 drinks deep, I feel bad for the poor guy that he's going to be marrying this slag. I mean, this girl is so fucking whore as she actually compares the size of my dick with her fiancé's. Wow. I mean, she thinks that I'm going to be taken as a compliment that mine is bigger, and she even invited me to her wedding. What the fuck is wrong with her? Jesus Christ, dude. That is a situation. He said, I'm going to use her as Exhibit A when I educate my sons on how women are complete whores. Really?

So now they're all whores because of this one here, dude? You really, you picked a fucking winner here in any event. My question boils down to this. My friend suggests that I write her fiancé an anonymous email. I was thinking more of one of those kidnapping letters with the different letters cut out from magazines. Dude, that would be fucking hilarious about how I was, whatever the letter would be about, how I was banging her for the last several months. What do you think? Well, I hate rats. I think I would be saving this guy a lifetime of misery. On the other hand, that bastard proposed to her after only three months of meeting her, so he kind of deserves it. Am I doing this poor bastard a favor? Any advice would be appreciated. Okay.

Okay, okay, okay. What do we go with this one? What should you do? Well, you know what, dude, in a perfect world, you could actually send a letter to that guy. You could tell him what was up, and once he got over the shock of it, he would actually be like, God, thank God. You know, I'm not saying he would like you, but he'd be like, thank God, you did me a favor. I almost fucking married this psycho, right? And then the little Latino horny girl would be like, you know, as mad as I am at you, you were right. I was doing the wrong fucking thing. So I probably shouldn't be getting married to a mature blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you'd stop fucking her, right? That would be the perfect world. But this is probably

what's going to happen. You're going to do it. This guy's going to flip out and flip out has a whole rainbow of emotions anywhere from collapsing in the street, crying and peeing on himself, to going over there and choking that woman to death. And she's going to flip the fuck out at you, and it's just going to be a big fucking mess. Okay, you're going with your gut here. We're kind of a fucking asshole. We're kind of a fucking asshole. You know, date somebody who lives on the other side of a fucking ocean. If you need a passport to get to the person that you're going to marry, not only should you not marry them, you're not even in a relationship with them. You know what I mean? Fuck that. That's fucking retarded. You know what that is? He was so used

to fucking all those pasty bitches over there in London with their awful fucking teeth and their fish and chips breath. All of a sudden he comes over to New York on the fucking Puerto Rican Pride Day parade, and it was over. That's what happened. That's what I'm guessing. A couple of those little J-Lo girls came walking by and he said, holy shit, life doesn't have to be this hard. That's just like sexy beast, you know? Do you ever miss London? I remember that guy was fucking saying all that shit. Every count with a long face don't make me laugh. He really made London seem miserable. I'm just fucking with you guys. Somebody's like, keep shitting on England here. Yeah, dude, you know what? You got a great story. Just fucking tap out, man. You don't want

to do that shit. That's a story you just tell in a bar. Fuck this guy. Fuck him. Come on. Really? This girl is this big? I don't know, but women are so great at fucking lying. They really are better at than us. They lie just as much as we do. I don't want to make this seem like I'm trash of women here. I view women that they're sitting in the same mud puddle that we're sitting in. They're animals just like us with the same fucking desires. The one thing I do like about this story is what I've been saying all along, getting into horrific arguments with my girlfriend, is why don't they ever catch women cheating? Tiger Woods, another guy getting busted. It's like the sixth fucking famous guy to get busted. So it really, people are starting to buy into this

shit that guys are the only ones who cheat. And I can tell you this, being a road comic, the amount of fucking married women who have approached me is fucking ridiculous. You really sit there. You got your, oh my God, did the fucking guy just yell at me? I think he just yelled at me. I fucking, what's he going to do? Huh? By the time he walked up all my stairs, you know what I'm saying? Anyways, what the fuck was I just talking about? Yeah, they're just, they're just, they're fucking, they're better at it. They're better. They already like do a mild form of lying all day long. They call it manipulation. You know, that shit that they do, you know, they, they want something and they just immediately, they always know like what

emotion. Let me try cute and they put their shoulders out. He did a little fucking smile, or they do the pouty face, you know, or they act like they're just like this helpless little fucking thing. Those are all lies. It's just all shit. That just basically means there's something that I don't want to do and I want you to do it for me and I want you to pay for it and I want you to, not only do I want you to do, like they're so good at it. It's not even, it's not even good enough for you to just do it for them. They want you to actually enjoy it, enjoy doing it for them. Like that, like that's how much they got your fucking head spinning. So that's why they never get caught. That's my, that's my belief. All right, Bill. Even though if that made sense, I sort of

fucking zoned out halfway through that with the Nyquil haze I have going on here. No, I actually took Dayquil, didn't I? I don't fucking know. Anyways, let's go to overrated, underrated, overrated condescending cunts from Connecticut. Jesus, a little little iteration there, huh? Condescending cunts from Connecticut who infest New York bars and grade you on that three-dimensional grid of where you work, went to school, and live. These cunts work in PR, make 30 grand a year, and live off daddy's AMX and his rent checks for their Chelsea flats. Should be purged. That didn't even make sense, dude. I don't know if you edited that last sentence. All right, dude, you got, you got some issues with women here. Okay, first of all, you're going to

where there's condescending cunts. There's plenty of great women out there. You know, you just, you're fishing in the same poison pond. You know, what are the names of these places that you go to? I lived in New York for 12 years. I never met women like that. I never met them. I, one of those little Wall Street bars, you know, go to, go to some a little bit different. Start off with like a sports bar, then, you know, what about those wine bars? Is that where you're going? People sit there and chat. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm just trying to take the edge off of how bad women are getting trashed on this. Underrated. What the fuck does that say? Helio sequence, a kickass band from Portland, Oregon. H-E-L-I-O sequence. All right, I'll

check those guys out. Thank you for the email. All right, let's get to the questions and I'm going to have to tap out, guys, because obviously I feel too fucking hot here. All right, questions, Bill. Love the podcast, but all here's one from a guy who actually went to my Saturday night show at Hilarities in Cleveland. As such, I was at your late show for last Friday night, Saturday night in Cleveland. The group I was with went out for dinner and drinks before the show, and everyone was having a great time. So we get to the club, take our seats, and the waitress informs my buddy that they have some absinthe martinis. Absinthe, I believe, was illegal for a long time and recently now it isn't. They used to think it'd make people go crazy or something like

that. So anyways, so he offers to buy them, so my buddy offers to buy those absent martinis for everyone in our group. Mind you, everyone had said that they were not planning on drinking at the club due to various obligations they had the next day. So he buys ones for everyone, but me, I'm driving, even though no one really seems to want it. Now, my girlfriend is a small girl, as such, cannot really hold her liquor that well. So this martini comes that she didn't want and she begins to drink it. I see her sipping on it throughout the opening and middle acts until it's finished. Finally, you get on stage, we're all laughing our asses off, then all of a sudden I notice her stop. I look at her, ask if she's okay, to which she shakes her head and says no. And she says she

needs me to take her to the bathroom. Why I need to go? I have no idea. You know why? Because she's a fucking woman. They drag you down with them. If you had to fucking puke, you would just get up and puke, right? I need you to go with me. Fucking, oh God, they're so fucking annoying. Why I need to go? I have no idea. I guess so I get to look like, oh, I guess so I get to look like the douche walking out with her behind me. Anyway, she ends up puking and I end up having to take her home missing half of your show. So my question is, should I be mad at my buddy for buying her the extremely potent drink that she didn't want? Or should I be pissed at her for drinking it after saying she didn't want it because she didn't want to get drunk? I'm kind of mad at both of them,

but more so at her because no one put a gun to her head and forced her to drink. She chose to. All right, who should you be mad at? Oh Christ, I don't fucking, these are hard questions. You know what, you should kind of be mad at yourself for somehow, first of all, I need you to go with me to the bathroom. That's just one of those things where you shouldn't have to go to the fucking bathroom, but that's one of those things. If you don't, they're going to make it seem like it's Vietnam and you took off in the chopper and left them down there like fucking Willem Dafoe. You know what I mean? It just becomes that, yeah, if you were thick, I would have

fucking blah blah blah. You know, it's amazing sweetheart how you're always a hero in these hypothetical situations. You know why that is? Because they're hypothetical. That annoys me. Why do you have to go to the fucking bathroom? What did you do? You can't go in there. Did you sit there with like a glass up to the door so you could hear her puking? Who should you be mad at? You should break your fucking buddy's balls and then tell your girl that she needs to take you out for a fucking something or other. Just go make her do something for you. Break her fucking balls about it, you know? Because you got fucked and all of that. Your buddy's a dickhead. What are you care, you know? He's probably trying to bang the other girl that's at the table, right? He's doing

what he's doing. He's getting everybody licking up. He's trying to be a show off, right? Absent. They used to be illegal, right? He orders all the fucking things. I don't know. That's what I would do. I'd break your buddy's balls and then I'd make your girlfriend, I don't know. Tell him go make your breakfast or something and say it as chauvinistically as possible. You know, and if she doesn't, I would just start jerking off right in front of her. But that's me. That's what I do. All right. Next question. Hey Bill, a big fan of yours from the Open Anthony show and the Money Morning podcast you do. Quick question for you. I am a military vet. Oh dude, this is a brutal situation. All right. Quick question for you. I am a military veteran

and I also happen to be Korean. I'm in college right now and all my friends are white. When we hang out and get drunk, the ugly racist shit comes out. I know the difference between joking around and real hate. My problem is I was home last week getting food with my dad when outside. I hear, fuck you, chink yelled at us. I went blind with rage and jumped out of the car that was going about 20 miles an hour. I chased those fuck, the two fucks down, but they, I tried to, but they were too fast and got away. Chink is probably the racial slur that hurts the most. That shit really eats away at me and my parents are immigrants, but they work hard and I've never fucked over anyone or cheated on their taxes, et cetera. I felt that I served my country for a year in

the desert just to come back and still be hated because I have a small, because I have small eyes and a tiny penis. Are you just, okay. Any advice on how to handle undeserved racism? Any advice to help my friends understand what it's like to be a minority? Anyways, let me know what you think. Huge fan of fucking chink. All right, dude. All right, the first advice I would give you is when you want somebody to understand what it feels like to be a minority, you probably shouldn't ask a white male heterosexual. Because I read that whole thing and my big question was, was when you hang out with your friends and they get drunk and all the racist stuff comes out and you're like, I can tell the difference between joking

and just, and real hate. My question is, is why just because you're Korean that it just seems like my brain by half a second was like, oh, he's Korean. So because he is a minority in this country, that means he's incapable of racist thoughts. My question would be, I'll add, I got a question for you. Have you ever thought something fucked up? You had to have, you know, you never saw a black guy coming down the street, you're like, oh, this guy's going to rob me. And then it turned out, you know, he just cured pancreatic cancer or some shit, you know, that never happened. Who doesn't have that fucking story, right? Doesn't make you a bad person. But what are you supposed to do? Come of age when gangster rap is on the television,

you live in the white suburbs, you don't know any better. What the fuck am I doing here? Let me try to answer this question. Well, what the fuck was the question? Any advice on how to handle undeserved racism? Oh, jeez, I mean, I don't know, I don't know what I'm doing. In a perfect world, you could go out there and beat the living shit out of them and everyone else would cheer you on as you did it, you know, and then buy a drink for serving the country. I mean, that's, you know, the world I would like to live in, you know, you wouldn't kill those people. Well, I guess you would because they're not going to change. Yeah, fuck it. You know, then I'll have to traffic a

little bit. I don't know what to tell you, dude, well, why don't you, I'm not trying to be an asshole here, but I would probably not hang out with people who got drunk and suddenly started to sound racist. You know, I would pick a better group of friends. I mean, it's bad enough you got to hear from strangers. I wouldn't want my inner circle of people like, you know, that's not a good, that's not a good sign. You know, when I get drunk, I like to explain stuff. I don't just start, you know, putting on a Klan hood. So that would be my advice. I would get some better friends. And as far as helping your friends to understand what it's like to be a minority, I just, they're not going to be able to understand it. They're just not. They would have to move to South Africa and

have a farm that was being taken away from them or some shit. They'd have to do it like that, you know, I don't know. And even then they would still have the arrogance of, I am a fucking from the white race. They'd still have that card to throw it down, you know, but it really got ugly, you know. So I don't think, yeah, I don't think somebody white could ever understand that, you know, you can empathize, you can listen to the stories and nod and have a concerned look on your face. But at the end of the day, you know, I don't know, but let me ask you this, like Koreans, all right. Now, as far as I know about Asia, Japanese are sort of the white people of Asia, you know, when they kind of, don't they kind of consider themselves superior and they look

down on the Chinese and the Koreans and that type of shit. And they've kind of been a little cunty with their little shogun warrior practices. Isn't that what they tried to do? The rapin' man king and all that shit that they did in World War II. You know, how do Koreans feel? Why am I asking you this, man? You're from America. Have you ever read, I mean, I haven't read any books on Ireland or Germany. I'm an asshole. Yeah, I wouldn't even, why are you even listening to this? Um, anyways, you know what I would do? Send Steve Byrne in email. Comedian Steve Byrne, hilarious comedian. And he is, uh, he's half white, half Korean, I believe. So, um, he'd probably tell you to punch him in the face if I know him. He likes to play hockey. All right, more overrated,

underrated. Uh, I had a great time at your show in Cleveland, underrated. Okay. Um, your, um, um, okay. This guy basically did an overrated, underrated from the show that he saw me do. He said, underrated, the way non-smokers smell. Um, I'm not saying that your fans stink, but sweet Jesus Christ, I kept looking around during your set because I could have sworn that someone was smoking a cigarette, especially those two hicks who are heckling you. I was behind them in line for your DVD and they just reeked of cheap tobacco and booze. I'm not some militant, anti-smoking guy. As a matter of fact, I quit smoking about four months ago. I'm just horrified that I smelled that bad for 20 years and wasn't even aware of it. Another underrated, people who

don't have to tell you every thought that pops into their head. The guy sitting behind me at your show is easily the guy who is laughing the loudest, which I'm guessing is good for you as a comedian. What you couldn't hear, thankfully, is the way he would comment on almost everything you said on stage. Now he goes to give some examples. What a great analogy Bill just made. That is really, that is a really old reference. That's hilarious. I can't believe Bill just said that. Jesus, how did you not punch that guy in the throat? He said he did about a thousand more deep observations. Obviously, he's being sarcastic. I was glad he was enjoying your show so much, but fuck, I just wanted to turn around and tell him it's okay to just think these things. Dude,

you should have said that. You don't have to tell your buddy every reaction you're having to Bill's jokes. Save something for the ride home for Christ's sake, but I didn't say anything because I'm a peace-loving pussy who just sits there and lets people annoy him. Thanks for the great show and it was nice to meet you afterwards. All right, dude, sorry you had that bad time. Yeah, that was a weird show. I just had a couple of drunks there who thought they were helping the show and they weren't. So I fucked with them a couple of times and then I just had to deliberately make it uncomfortable and then I got out of it. Then what ended up happening was most people didn't even hear them so they were like, what did they say? What did they say? They were yelling Jew

and then they kept yelling faggot. That's what they were doing. I don't know why. I made a reference to a dreidel and then they thought it would be funny if they just kept yelling Jews. I don't know why. They were vibing on some shit and then I was talking about some sort of homophobic thing and then they were yelling, you faggot. You fucking faggot. Faggot the whole, the entire joke like every two and a half seconds and in their world it was hilarious and it was helping my set. So what are you going to do? All right, I'm going to go take a bath. There's a visual for you. I'm all fucking aches and pains here. No, I'm not. I'm going to fucking take a shower like a fucking man. That's it. That's the Monday morning podcast this week.

I apologize for the nasal problems here and I apologize to my cuntie downstairs neighbor. Everybody have a great week and please come out and see me up at the punchline up in Sacramento. Uninformedradio.com to listen to my radio show with the wonderful Joe Geroza, the teen idol, teen idol sensation of the opiate anthony radio program on Sirius XM. What else can I hype? I think that's it. Go to billbar.com. I have about five people on my mailing list away from having 10,000 people on my mailing list and I would like as a Christmas gift for four of you to sign up for. Could you do that? Lovely. That's it. You guys have a great week and I'll talk to you next Monday.