Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-8-16

Episode Date: December 9, 2016

Bill sits down with comedian and friend Jim Florentine.

Toons Amazon Amazon and then they're gonna do something with a promo code if you put promo code bar in you get it for five bucks on my website Do I do I have that you want me to just say it? What is that thing? For the whole fucking thing just a little bit, okay Jesus Christ all right We're ready to go All right. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and Just check it in on you. Just check it in on you You're probably thinking well Jesus bill you went a little fast on that one. You usually fucking stretch it out a little bit longer What do you have a special guest in the studio or something? Why yes? Yes, I do I have

The great Jim Florentine in Studio here who has a new stand-up special coming out that will be available on iTunes and Amazon called a simple man ladies and gentlemen New Jersey zone Jim Florentine and filmed in New Jersey, of course and filmed in New Jersey So how does the the the royalty of New Jersey? It's got to go Bruce Springsteen John Bon Jovi Jim Florentine Maybe Arnie Lang no rich boss rich boss

How did I forget rich the Duke of fucking Trenton whatever the hell he lives South Lanefield I heard is he had put out a CD. I heard was fucking great. Yeah, he's the guy's pumping him out like a maniac I think that's a great thing and I love that you put it on Amazon I think the more specials in more areas So nobody gets too much power if you know what I mean there. Yeah, absolutely You don't get a good deal somewhere. I just like fuck you. You're not owning it. You know, I want all that stuff So yes, I like the new model that's coming out and basically to own your stuff You know, that's what I'm hearing through the music industry

Like if you own Spotify and all those other streaming sites Yeah, I'm basically gonna have to pay some big royalties coming soon in like two three years Just like satellite radio before they weren't paying shit They were playing all our comedy bits won't get a dime then all of a sudden when they merged The government said well, you have to start paying royalties They passed along to the consumer and now you get nice checks from sound exchange through because of the satellite radio internet radio Now the streaming sites the Spotify's all of those are gonna have to start paying in about two years So if you own your shit about fucking time

I know so if you own your master if you own the master and then you're also, you know your performer you get double checks I saw I saw a thing one time There was what was that that documentary on that heavy metal band that just they they came to LA like the week before Nirvana's album came out Never mind that just you know as as as the the the legend goes that was the album that destroyed the whole thing rather than 50,000 bands all singing the same fucking song So that failed and then they moved back to like Indiana or wherever the fuck they were from and hair metal still survived another three years Then they try to get into grunge and all this shit

And then they were just old and they never really made it and they made this documentary and at one point towards the end The the biggest lesson and all of it one of the the the members said he goes what I've learned he goes you're better To have 100% ownership and just sell 20,000 copies Then you are to have no ownership and sell like 20 million copies You'll actually make more money if you own it. That's how bad they fucking rip you off They just they they rip you know, they've you know all of that shit all the way back to the blues guys and all that You know every fucking artist they just they that's what that's what happened So it's and then also yeah

And also like those 80s videos with the you know the goofy with the hot chick in it and they were you know Dance around on stage doing whatever those videos were like a half million to a million dollars to budgets on those So that came right off the top of any money they sold. Oh, yeah You know the record company put that money up so just to make a good and it was the same video It was the guys performing on stage and it was a hot chick and he was starts out in black and white The rest of the band kicks in all of a sudden it was in color. Yeah, or if it was the ballad they looked tired You know, yeah, it was Bungovi on the bus He looked tired because he was looking out the window and driving. No, who is the first?

Bon Jovi Because you do also do that metal show. So that was about 86 when that album came out Video was maybe 87 Somewhere around that thing New Jersey was his big record came out like 84 85 But that's slippery when wet. How old well slippery when wet was probably I think 84 No, that was like 85 86. Okay. Yes, I'm around then then New Jersey came out after that But slippery when wet as you give love a bad name. Yeah on a debt or alive. All of that shit I'm saying that they start the I'm tired on the tour. No journey did member journey with Steve Perry had that bad mustache and faithfully. Oh

Yeah, yeah memory had the Mustang. Yeah, that so that was that started the original tire. I'm tired. I'm on tour and I'm exhausted What about when he was at that San Francisco giant game? They started playing the journey song and all he had to do is smile and wave and then he acted like somebody He acted like someone who was just a fan of the band rather than the guy's singing it And he just he just went over the fucking top with it and it was I just felt like it was a moment I don't know if he's not selling tickets or whatever It's like he should just played that cool and he tried to be too regular and then everybody just Eviscerated him on the fucking internet. Did you ever see that? Yeah? Yeah, cuz I've seen him a giant

I'm a big giant fan. So I'll go out there and I've seen him at games He goes to like every game with his kids. He can't hit those notes anymore So he knows I'm just laying low let the Asian guy take over and do it You know, he's just collecting the royalties off of go. Yeah, so he doesn't need to do any of that stuff He doesn't care. Yeah, he's he could have been back in journey ten years ago He's just like I'm not gonna embarrass myself That's a smart move. So I'll just do it once at a baseball game. Yeah, like yeah, like Robert plan Robert plan knows he ain't ain't knows he hasn't he knows he's not gonna hit those notes

You know, tune down a little he's sounded great in 2007. I know he sounded a man You know that he they got offered 14 million dollars for two two-hour shows for that thing in the desert What was the thing if you like a couple months ago? Yeah 14 million for two two-hour shows and Robert plan turned it to everybody else's that one's like of course and he said no Yeah, I think he bought a bunch of apartment buildings is what he did. So he's making all this fucking money. That's what I heard Yeah, I heard he's a really good businessman. But why can't he just come out and go look? This isn't gonna be like 1976 I'm not gonna be able to hit all the notes, but I'm gonna go hang on my friends We're gonna jam have a good time and don't expect much

If you throw that I have to be honest with you, I think he's protecting the legacy of the band By not doing it. I mean, I think they did that last one I don't think I don't think they could do it better than they did it in 07 And he's always said if you if you're just you know, if this is just a money grab been there done that What does he say? I'm just an old hippie blah blah blah like he just doesn't see the reason to do it Now what I would do if I was the rest of them I'd get I'd get Jason Bonham on drums John Paul Jones and Jimmy Page and I would do a journey did and who gives a fuck Well, they tried to do that after two, you know

First of all page and plant don't get along at all like when they rehearsing for that 2007 show Jason Bonham told the show told the story on that metal show when he was on They were at each other's throats page and plant. They just don't like each other It's I think it's more a plant, you know So after that they were hoping they were gonna do a reunion and plan said once again. Nope. I'm not doing it So they actually auditioned Steven Tyler Sammy Hagar. That's right And Miles Kennedy had the gig miles is from Alta Bridge and slasher solo saying he had the gig and they were ready to do it And then they just said, you know what we can't we let's just put it to the side

We can't do that. We're not gonna sell this as Led Zeppelin. Oh my god So it was called but miles Kennedy had a nowhere got that gig, but did they Steven Tyler my hearing something in my headphones? Oh see alarm should we be concerned about the alarm? Is it a fire How do you know what it is? Oh One of these times it's gonna be an actual it's like when you're in it When you're in a club and you're hitting what hitting on a hot chick and you hear the alarm go You're like, I don't give a shit. I ain't leaving

If I leave it as nine guys ready to ready to take my spot So I don't if there's a fire, you know one of those nine just pulled it to absolutely to get me away from her So I understand plants thing where he doesn't want to do it. He's like, I'm not I don't want to do for my the guys Probably worth three hundred million. Mm-hmm. So he doesn't need to do at this point You just wish as a fan maybe just a few shows Yeah, cuz you know what I like when when when Jason played in 2007 I thought he was finally himself where he was like he didn't feel like he had to do what his dad did But he he was throwing in he threw in so much shit a lot of it was some stuff that his dad did live

But like his personality was on it. I thought he really fucking owned it on that one So I was kind of psyched to see them go around It's probably better It's probably better that they don't do it cuz you know, it it didn't work Well, I remember that live aid when they had the two fucking drummers and shit And that was only five years after they had played But I heard Paige was so fucking upset that he didn't play guitar for a while After Bonham died like to the point he had to try to like remember how to fucking play

That's right. Cuz then the story was Paul Rogers Came over one day and was just hanging like three four years later and said hey, dude, you can pick up the guitar Let's see if we can write some songs and they started the firm after that. Yeah, so why doesn't he just fucking? Why don't you just come up with a new name and just still do zeppelin shit play some firm stuff Did fucking Jimmy Page project project with John Paul Jones and fucking I know what Jason Well, remember what memory not play a page was so pissed off at a Robert plant that he got David Coverdale under the Coverdale page They did one out because covered at Chris Robinson. They went out with him

Yeah, Robert Plant hated David Coverdale cuz he thought it was a Led Zeppelin, you know Just a Robert Plant clone. He looked like him sounded like him and then pages. I'm gonna get your arch enemy I'm gonna start a wrong band. What do you think of that? Well, yeah, I think that'll do a lot of damage. Yeah, that definitely didn't help the guy ten years younger They can still hit the fucking notes. Well Van Halen pulled it off because remember Sammy and Dave did that tour to Sammy Hagar David Lee Roth tour together They hated each other because of Van Halen's weren't talking to either and then right after that tour to get back with Sammy So I guess Van Halen's like what are they they're selling on arenas?

We should be doing this and they put Sammy back in the band Sammy's back in the band now No, no, this is a while ago But Sammy and Dave because the Van Halen brothers would just blow on them off. They go, okay Let's the two old singers of Van Halen. Let's do a tour together and they do a tour and they hated each other the whole tour Because Sammy Sammy and Dave hated each other Yeah, they hated each other since day one But they just did it for the tour and they were supposed to like rotate headlining every night And Sammy was trying to blow him off the stage and then Dave was it was all the egos and all the shit

So I would think Sammy would win though. Did he win? Probably but Dave was still a voice of Van Halen. I'd rather hear you know, I love again and you know mean street then is this love Yeah, I always thought Sammy Hagar you when you look at his I was just talking about this on my last podcast This is such like fucking white guys in their 40s talk I always thought he shouldn't have fucking joined the band. There was no upside where it was like you're not gonna follow Dave You're not gonna be like You just it's just one of those things like why would you why would you go there? It was like Steve Young going after fucking Joe Montana no matter what the fuck he did

He was always gonna be not Joe Montana and even though I won one I get the monkey off my back or whatever I thought he should have just stayed with his own fucking band. I mean the guy was incredible Yes, live and I like the direction of his solo shit Before that is this love and they're the keyboards and they were all walking around in the fucking flesh-colored Flashdance suits whatever the hell he were wearing. Yeah, you know, he he had a great solo career before he joined I know he really didn't have to I don't think he really thought it was gonna take off I don't know they just said let's start start jamming and then but Van Halen actually got bigger at that point They sold more records with Sammy. Oh, but that was the MTV days more like

Dave was like the last of the you know, Panama and jump and stuff like that But then when Van Halen like 86 is when they put their first one out with with Sammy They're had all the videos and stuff like that so they sold a lot more records than Dave. Wow. All right Let's let's try to bring this back into like this century. Yeah, yeah, I Wanted something fucking hilarious at that me the other night so buddy mine passed away right we're at that age people fucking die and So we we did a Benefit for him. So I got all these fucking comics together. There's a guy

I did stand up with from 92 to 99 this guy Pete coming just a great guy Then he became a writer did all these wonderful things and unfortunately had a heart attack and died So I got all of his buddies from fucking back in the day You know like Boston. Yeah, Boston guys like, you know, some guys who are like not doing stand-up really anymore We all fucking came out was hilarious We're all standing around fucking dad jeans and bad hairlines and shit and I'm looking around going like wow Man, we have fucking old before the show. It's just like Jesus Christ. This crowd looks kind of young I hope this is gonna go. All right in the fucking it went perfect perfect night

Except for one fucking dude, but he was on some medication. He was drinking Bud lights. He repeated a couple of jokes It was fucking hilarious. He had one guy at a tough set. So I was on stage and I Was making fun of fat actresses complaining and shit and then I was just going me look at me I'm fucking I'm a bald red-headed male. You don't think there's a glass ceiling on the parts I can get out here and shit like that, right? So at the end of my set I'm doing the meet-and-greet and this guy came up to me didn't even want him like Picture or anything he had one of those before and after fucking hair club for men cards

I guess he did it He goes dude He goes I could get you your hair back if you want it It was the cloud like the guy was like bald like me and then had like the fucking oh really I was just like I said to him like no man. I'm good and he kept fucking showing it to me And if I was just like dude, I like I go I like the way I look I don't need that wavy shit right and he just fucking put his head down He walked out like a scolded child. I felt like a fucking asshole

Yeah, I don't need that fucking way. Well, what do you at some point you like? Yeah, thanks, man But I'm good, you know like you give him that but then when they keep pounding away Well, it's one of those things dude. I had hair at one point. Well, I saw what it got me Okay, I like I always said if I was gonna be the next Brad Pitt it would have happened Before like oh, I had to wait till you were 48. Oh, if you only had fucking hair. It's like no, dude It's it's it's a wrap. Yeah, and then you can't put it on now Everybody knows, you know, you had to do it in that transition stage where you were losing a little but I was like Did he do something with his hair? You can't do this so many guys

There was so many guys hanging off the fucking legend all of a sudden pulled themselves back up like there's so many fucking guys I just I never uh, I Just didn't give a shit like this the certain point of like you just got a you know Just you just play the hand you dealt. You're gonna look way fucking better. Although some people that I know they got some really good ones, but Yeah, I don't I don't know I I don't get dude. I wouldn't even do that laser eye surgery. Yeah, I won't do that either I'm waiting till like a hundred percent. You're fine. Yeah, exactly There's there's a couple cases of guys foggy and he can't see and and then they say yeah If you're over fucking 45 it only lasts for this amount of years and then what you're gonna do it again

Fuck that. I know when they're operating on your eyes Yeah, you fucking sitting there looking at it. Is it doing it? That's that's too much So but you did the right thing with that guy you said now I'm good and then he kept pounding away some guy I laughed I thought it was right. It was fucking hilarious. And then when you said dude, I'm good I'm good. I was just like dude. I don't need that wavy shit Because it's always the guy with the wavy fucking hair. It's never anybody with like looking like those guys and that was it Oasis they never have that beetle hair cut. It's always the fucking wavy. It was just like yeah, dude I'm good. And then you just kind of put it

That happened to me some guy wanted me to do an Ohio thing. It was Ohio State I'm not a big college football fan when I do OH Yeah, yeah, I was doing a gig there. He's like dude. I'm my friend's gonna Snapchat this can you do this with me? I go no Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I go first of all you're on fucking snapchat and you're you're like 40 years old You shouldn't be on snapchat and second. Oh, I'm not doing that. That's fucking corn. He's like, come on I go no, I'm not I'm not doing I'll take a picture with you. I'll do whatever, but I'm not doing OH Oh, no, it gets weird with that shit like there was someone in a line last night

Like I'd like eight people back and he's FaceTiming with this friend and he's got his friend's head pointing at me I'm like I'm looking at this person from like 30 yards away on a phone looking at me And I just kept yelling to the guy just going sir. I'm not gonna talk to that guy And he wasn't listening to it I was like, can you tell that psycho back there with his friend on the phone? I am not I'm not it's bad enough When somebody just hands you a fucking phone Hey, can you say hello to my friend that fucking you know what I started doing? I just I just did the I just channeled Patrice. I would just start hanging up on him. Oh, you just go right

Just hanging up. I had a relative of mine. We kept doing it go He used to I used to call he's calling up. I just one of these guys I talked to like once or twice a year Hey, Bill. How you doing blah blah? Hey, you know, I'm in a hometown You remember so-and-so and he would just hand the phone to him and the person on the other end Didn't want to talk to me either right and it was just the worst fucking thing so I would go I don't do that don't do it don't then he would hand it to me Hey, and then I just finally I just started fucking hanging up and it just stopped it and he would he got so fucking mad at me It's just like dude. I'm asking you

Not to fucking do this and you're still doing it. You're leaving me no choice here. Yeah, and then he tried Oh, what do you think you're too you're too good for that? Yeah You're too good. Everybody's too good for that. Exactly want to talk to a complete fucking stranger who doesn't want to talk to you Want a phone? Why people used to do that to me like hey, I say hello to my friend. I'm like, hey, how you doing? This isn't Jim Florentino. Well, yeah, it is he goes. What are you doing in St. Louis? I'm doing a gig. There's no way there's no way you're insane. I'm like, all right I go I'm not gonna argue with you here. Take the fucking phone back. I'm not arguing with it. Go to my website I'm at the fucking funny bone. Whatever gives a shit. No, it never

It never fucking ends well, but um Anyways, who how's your uh, I know your team don't tell me the dolphins I just went to the dolphin Raven game last week in Baltimore. They got their ass kicked Yeah, Raven's always tough man. They did the dolphins never played good against physical teams never they just they're not a physical team You know they got on they got that in Damakasu there Yeah, he's good cuz he gets double and triple team and other guys can get sacks But I just they're just not a good physical team. They just you know, Tana Hill They had some guys out on the offensive line this look there's seven and five so I can't complain

I didn't think they were gonna be that good. Yeah, just new coach. I think he's pretty good. What are the bills at bills are six and six Love it They're out. They cannot make the playoffs You got to go at least ten and six eleven and five and just to get a wild card this year So they're out once again Rex Ryan should just go back to being a defensive coordinator He get a Super Bowl ring. No, I know he's just he's got too much of an ego and he's got his brother there What did his brothers making fun? You know in New Orleans? They didn't let me do what I wanted to do Really? He had the worst defense and you know in the history of the NFL for two years in a row and you're trashing them on the way out

That's a good thing to do. Yeah He's only made what he's been a coach for like 12 years Rob Ryan One of his teams made the playoffs once and they got knocked out the first game was New Orleans against Seattle a couple years ago Other than that never me even made a playoff. Rob has been a head coach. No, he's never but a defensive coordinator Oh, yeah, yeah, he's with the Raiders. He's been all over the place Yeah, and I think I think Rex does most of the heavy lifting when it cuz he always has good defenses and then but now he actually has a Decent quarterback He just doesn't have anybody to fucking throw to and Tyrone Taylor. You cannot sack that guy. It's unbelievable. He's fucking amazing

I know he did get constantly getting out of the way But you know and then the dolphins get that they gave us a Mario Williams Mario Williams They got released and he's terrible. I don't know what happened that I do. He's on Miami now He's got like two tackles the whole year. So Buffalo knew to get rid of him But yeah, Buffalo's out again. There'll be 17 years. No playoffs But they're better than they were I mean Rex goes in and just sells his you know does his all bullshit, you know what I mean like I'm not here to lose Really, wow, I know I didn't go there. It kisses kisses rings. Yeah, I'm here to make the playoffs

That's good. You're good to know, you know, I love this week was Brian Cashman said after the Red Sox I guess signed some deals or something. He said he just went wow he goes they're like the Golden State Warriors and I fucking died laughing like dude the fucking out talk about the well I would that expression the pot calling the kettle black you fucking assholes you invented that shit How the fuck are you gonna sit there and say like you should he should have been like wow those guys are ripping us off Just cuz the last few years was basically since George Steinburn had died Yeah, the Sun's way more conservative and is trying to do it with the farm system, which I respect and I love

But Brian Cashman was part of that Oh, of course He's like a he's like a fucking free agency war criminal and now he's fucking wagging his finger at the fucking Red Sox for doing What that what they they did now having said that I It's the thing that turned me off about baseball and I felt the Red Sox in 07 became the Yankees You know when they signed all those people so it's been difficult for me to get back into it But I guess but also you got to realize yesterday the Yankees signed Chapman the closer four years 86 million for a for a closer and what did he play again? Remember he was with

The Reds he was with the Yankees last year they traded him at the trading deadline at a Cubs Oh, that's one of the World Series where he throws a hundred and five miles an hour He went to the Cubs. He was a free agent Yankees just re-signed. I'm gonna back Four years 86 million, but he was there. He was one of their guys though. Who? Chapman yeah, Chapman was originally with the Reds He got some trouble off the field and the Yankees got him and for half a season traded him that a Cubs Fucking Reds. What kind of trouble does somebody get into it? You fucking trade away a hundred five mile an hour pitcher I know he just didn't he didn't exude the the what what we

Like to give to our family they say the the persona of our team. Yeah, we have a code We have a code here in Cincinnati. Why don't you throw it out the fucking window the guy saw in 105 miles an hour? Exactly let him do what he wants. Yeah, he's gonna grab some titties at a fucking Hooters You know, it's funny as I was saying that is like is now that that gonna be a thing, you know, the fucking internet now Was he advocating Sasha or South? You know that happens now every little fuck. Oh, absolutely Yeah, this this like I didn't look at this special I filmed like a little over a year ago or a year and a half Actually, it's been and there's stuff on there that I had to look back though

I was trying to try to do a trail and I'm like, holy shit. I said that I go It's probably what I said a year and a half ago was like I can't believe he said that right and how quickly go where did you film it? No, George Street Playhouse in New Brunswick, New Jersey. It's right down the street from the stress factory. I was gonna say Yeah, it's like a 600 feet the seat theater was Vinnie upset. No Vinnie help Vinnie help promote I gotta get him. I don't work him in and a wet his beak. Yeah, absolutely. Good Vinnie runs that town And he was gonna do a set he was gonna open the show and do 10 minutes to warm up the crowd Of course, he was late and he didn't so yeah, I'm sorry I would have been like Vinnie. I'm trying to have a good special

I know I had a backup just in case so but yeah, so I cut Vinnie in on it basically they sold take a suit of stress factory So, oh, that's cool. Yeah, he kept everything. Yeah, we're friends. We've we started comedy back together years ago What year did you guys start? I started 91 I started 92 so he started 91 to yeah, yeah 91 and he was probably already married with like 19 kids Oh, yeah, he had already he's married with like three kids. He owned a florist. He was a fucking maniac I was booking like this open mic thing on a Monday night a strip club. I remember when I when I met him in the mid 90s He was such an angry man. He was you could feel it off of him. It was he was going through that that first

first go around and Then he's just become the exact opposite now He's like fucking Santa Claus He used to just like in the 90s dude and I was an angry fucked up dude So that every once in a while I would meet someone who matched my anger or surpassed it And I was always just like I I'm not gonna fuck with that guy like I have we have a running joke me and opi Mopey and Anthony and whatever the fuck they call it now He we recognized both of us were like this fucking level of anger

And just just how everybody got thrown under the bus on that show and eventually it was arguing I had a big argument Patrice on that show and I did we both I think he was want to brought it up He was like dude the first time I met you I sensed this fucking anger and you was like I'm gonna stay away from that was like I do that's what the fuck I was because if you if you listen to the Show you'll never find a clip of us. It will be everybody trash and everybody. We never lob one at each other I don't know what there was just something about the guy. I'm like this guy is a this guy's like He might be even angrier than I am so I just completely stayed away. Yeah, no, that's it. That's a good move

No Vinny was very angry. I remember this Comic because Vinny had the comedy club like in 94. He had this stress factor It was an it was another spot sort of hotel or whatever and my friend this guy Eric and man a local comic ago He's he books it go give me a card and he goes ham a comedian I lived in New Jersey because I love to be called here's my card and many goes this your card He goes, yeah, and it was a nice card at his head shot on it Vinny just ripped it up right in front of him We just walked away. Why and then he just thought and then he came back and thought it was funny And that the other dude was so pissed at him. He's like what a fucking asshole, you know shit like that

And that's just the way Vinny was just a complete. Oh, yeah, he was just fucking around. That's hilarious I don't know if he was or not. He just but yeah, he was he was angry. That's why I liked him I loved you know, I love the angry dudes. Well, you know when the first time I did the stress factory. I worked with Artie Fletcher remember him. Yeah, he's still a friend of mine. Yeah tells everybody we are so I he's in Florida now Yeah, he's in Florida. Yeah, so we work together and you know, of course I didn't draw anybody like Vinny was giving me a shot and I Made fun of the club and I was this no-name comic and I think it because I didn't realize he built most of it at the time Now it's a really nice club. You remember when he first opened it. I mean, it was it was a it was a dump

so I fucking made fun of it and But I I still killed and making fun of the club was killing and all that and then I remember he called my manager at the time Just being like, yeah, you know, he didn't get the job done He didn't get the job done. He fucking wouldn't he didn't work me for like seven years after that and I don't think he fucking worked me until after opi and Anthony Maybe a little before that he started to work me Was that what it was in the hotel because he used to have it in a hotel before I moved it to the same I paint I helped paint that place when he moved it over there. I

Was there when it wasn't you it was for it. He couldn't have been over them one two Two three fucking years. He had the creepy bicycle hanging from the fucking ceiling. Yeah, and that stage was fucked up It was it was I can't I can't remember but it was it was a dump But that would happen over the years and he redid the floor He got the smoke eater and all of a sudden it was amazing It went from like this fucking D level room to now like that's a play. I love that place Yeah, it's one of my favorite clubs Vinny probably wishes I got to that part Sooner in that fucking story because he's probably calling your fucking trash in the club

I'm the goddamn podcast or whatever. He is it is normal now. I like he's on the committee He was running for counsel in his town and stuff like that. Yeah, he's he's He's evolved. Yeah, that's funny though. There's when you get to be our age like the One of two things happens either you fucking evolve you chill out and you learn how to like enjoy life Or you are literally the exact same fucking person you were when when Whatever, I see people either either way they become dads or whatever they just change they've mellowed They're not as angry. They're happy blah blah blah or they are literally the exact same fucking person They were when I met them in the 90s. Yeah, and you don't want to be that guy

I know that like when I got married and had a kid and moved to the suburbs I'm like, man, I'm gonna be tough to talk to neighbors and hang out with them and talk fucking You know school districts and then I got to go Basketball camp and sit next to them and Chuck E cheese and I love doing that I love hanging out my more normal neighbors. We walk our kids to the bus stop every day We hang like go over there. They come over my house. It's fucking great Yeah, I love being around other parents and stuff like that. I thought oh, it's gonna be a nightmare I wish I knew when I was younger than that that that was

You know But that actually I would think helps your comedy because I always thought like, you know, we were coming up You just oh my god, you get married and have a kid. That's it. It's all over. Yeah, your career is over Yeah, you're not gonna make it That's what always cracks me up when they talk about like the pressure like women have it becoming pregnant Like if they kind of I keep the career and blah blah blah blah and and I understand that in the real world But like in show business, I think everybody man or woman that if you're on the performer side, it's just like that I'm fucking done. I like you just feel like I have to be at a certain level of selling tickets

For my wife to still believe in me because if you're still like, you know, not selling tickets They're gonna be like you're doing this comedy thing on the weekend. I need I need a solid paycheck I need to know that this money coming in like I you know, how many fucking guys did you see though? That that kid just fucking took him right down to the mat a ton man You know, I always when I first started I remember Ray Romano was married with two kids at the time I'm like, how can he juggle both? I never knew how he could do that Yeah, like how could he be funny and have a family life and shit like that? And I always thought there's no way I can have that I probably would have screwed it up in my 20s and 30s

Once I got to my 40s. I'm like, alright, I could do this. I absolutely would have fucked it up Yeah, I would have been a fucking lunatic and you know, I think there's a reason I waited so so I mean most of it Was fear but a lot of it was I was a fucking lunatic. Yeah, same was same with me. I'm like, I'm gonna screw this up I'm gonna fuck some girl on the road. I shouldn't be doing You know, I mean as you get older like that shit doesn't even you know, it's not even part of your equation when you have a bad set You take it home with you. Oh, I'm out on your absolute. Yeah Maybe if you know me fucking doing the dishes all the time I know if I were to describe you would let me take a nap

And I had a watch a kid. You know, I had worked that night. Yeah, all that shit So no when I look back to all the fucking shit that I went through that I really did not have to go through and that's why Verzi cracks me up. You know Paul Verzi Yeah, yeah, like I just was like, dude, where the fuck were you? I wish there was a version of you my maybe that was I just didn't pay attention like he has the most fucking normal life Like and then he just goes on the road, you know as a comedian then he comes home like completely Fucking normal and like he's like an 80 year old man and like a 35 year old body and like it like I He has like comics over and they always say that like younger comics like his fucking age always going over like only

Wow, dude, so you just like, you know, you got a wife couple kids and she's cool with you going out and You're like, yeah, I was doing stand-up when I met her and blah blah blah blah blah So I always think like whenever I look at the way I always tell him, you know, cuz I was good Dude, you're fucking doing it, right? No, absolutely doing it. You did it He's doing like that's the way Ray Romano did Ray Romano got married at the regular age started a family at the regular fucking age and all of that and Still and you know, it's great too was he he got He got in

Before Seinfeld hit that big payday on the syndication, right? Cuz I have a theory that after they had to pay Seinfeld that Hollywood all got together and was like how the fuck Do we owe a stand-up comedian half a billion dollars? How does this deal work right never give this deal out again? Well, Ray Romano still has it Well, he's the last one because that was it nobody ever got the I don't think anybody's gotten it created by It was a combination of the created by a Performer a producer and a writer check He pulled those four fucking checks off the same goddamn show and then there wasn't the the influence of the internet

Right in video games and all this shit, you know, I've been making fun of that stupid There's fucking virtual reality that thing you put the phone up to the glasses Yeah, and the level with which people are freaking out like oh, oh my god Oh, like like you don't know you're still in your living room, right? Like I fucking hate you know, that's right up there with the people when they're blindfolded and they're they're feeding them olive garden and They oh and they can't tell oh my god. It's so decadent. It's like olive garden It's like a seventh grader can make pasta like that. Yeah, and the only people that eat olive garden It's right outside of a hotel and you have no choice. It's business people

You don't have a car and you have to walk do what I was broke I used to and I loved it because they kept bringing the bread and would just fill you up slowly more bread I know I got good I got away to lead to the club eight o'clock So if I eat it too, I'll fill up till eight and I got a free meal at the club There was a long time that was a classy place to bring a date for me. They had wine. Yeah, you know come on You want another glass of wine here? We go angel hair pasta watching your weight So when uh, when does this special come out? Friday December 9th Friday December 9th, which is tomorrow, um, I

Guess I don't know now in days when people listen to podcast and we're gonna have a link. Do we have a link that I can? Text out here. Do we have anything? be a lure Okay, it's Can I have it so I can say it? Jesus Christ, I know we didn't plan this so this isn't on you. I'm just saying All right, this is this is the level of professionalism no that I have on my well That's my podcast. Well, you got any road dates or anything you want to plug coming up

Now just I'm doing a stand in New York City New Year's Eve. Nice. Yeah, I love that club. Yeah, that's a fucking great That's great. It's kind of it's like the seller 2.0. Yeah, it's just go down there man It's like, you know, sometimes it's 10 people on a Thursday, which is fucking beautiful. I love that Yeah, and just do it. You know and just record your sets and work it out It's I love so I love playing that place and and Bennington's gonna host that night Ron Bennington He's doing stand-up again. Yeah, so he's a host at night. I didn't even know he did stand I guess he did it back in the day I guess he had a club down in Florida when he was on I don't know

I don't remember this but that's what we were saying and then I did this thing with Bobby Kelly called creeps were kids It was me and a bunch of other comics had kids and we did a whole show and Bennington hosted and did stand-up on it a couple months ago It creeps with kids. Yeah creeps for kids. Yeah, you want to take that around the country He uh, I did one of his out Ron Bennington, whatever the fuck he called the unmasked. Yeah, I was gonna say exposed He just flashed the crowd. Yeah, he's a fucking great interviewer and all of that I had no idea he did stand up. I would love to see because he's funny as fucking hell He's great man Ron and fez. Do they they don't do that shit anymore? No fez. I don't know fez just Basically just quit or he did the Robert plant. Yeah, he just said, you know, we peaked

He had he had his 14 million or whatever the fuck he had. Yeah, so Ron does it with his daughter. Oh All right, I got to get back east dude. I don't even I don't even know what's going on anymore Yes, it's every every week is something different. Hope he's on in the afternoon now Jim's on in the morning with Sam Roberts and Open anything you're talking again. You know, I see I'm wondering now is If they ever do like if they ever have you know, like the rock and roll Hall of Fame how backstage how weird it must be with those Bands that had all the problems and then they got to walk out together Like if there's ever like a radio Hall of Fame at some point, they got to bring opium Anthony Jimmy right now So they all got to be there

I'll hope when they get back together. I think enough time has gone. I don't have enough time has gone by but uh You know, I don't know. I think they will at some point You know, I think yeah, I think I'll be an Anthony at least well and then hopefully Jim Hopefully you'll be the trio back. Why can't they do like the mic and the mechanics thing? Well, you just go out you fucking do a couple of solo records then your reform is Genesis. I Know I guess that doesn't work with radio. You got to kind of You can't just do a fucking hey, we're gonna be opening Anthony for six months. Yeah And then I'm gonna do my side project. I never had a good head for business

How did you deal with the election? Were you one of those people crying when you saw Hilary didn't break through that final glass ceiling? No not at all Did you watch it at all? Yeah, I watch it. Yeah, I fell asleep like a brown like 130 And then I was down in Disney World my kid and then everyone was crying the next day at Disney, you know What am I gonna tell my kids? I I went to my woke up. I got Trump on he goes. Okay. That's what I told them Yeah, but I don't this always happened. It always happens like I remember after after Bush It was just if fuck anybody wearing a red tie was everybody and all the blue guys came in right same bullshit happens Right same fucking bullshit. They forgive the banks

Still got Guantanamo. We're not ending the fucking war. Yeah, but no no none of the fucking bankers go to jail And then it's like it's the blue guy tie fault nothing, but red ties like like this is gonna be I Have to say was fucking hilarious was out of all the celebrities. There was so many of them just you know Campaigning which is so fucked up to me because I'm all those enough to remember He didn't tell anybody who you voted for and I think that they actually you know hurt the camp It's just so weird like why would I listen to an actor? Tell me I know Jay Z like even if I'm a Jay Z Fan, I'm like who was he voting for okay? I'll vote for him Like he pays attention

They fucking guy trying to keep His fucking billion-dollar business going that like he has the fucking time I don't have the time and I'm not doing shit right I don't have time to keep up on it. So but the funny one I just saw recently was Scott Bayo who I love The most like you know that make America great again. Yeah, I just loved how vague it was Let's make America great again. So he goes out. I guess at the Republican National Convention Scott fucking Bayo's there. Why to match Whoever the fuck are the blue guys have so he goes out there. This is what he said he goes we're here Not only to make America great again, but more importantly

make America America again And he got a fucking applause break Like what the fuck is yeah, what does that mean? Let's make toast Toast again What does that mean? Don't put butter on it. Yeah, just just toast the thing like what the fuck does that mean? Now you can read all the way into it. That means like let's make it all for fucking white people only Again, yeah, which as far as I can tell it really still kind of is

first much As much as the people on the red red ties side are complaining. It's still pretty great for fucking white people I don't I don't know what their problem is. I think it's other white people With all different types of ties working in banks Fucking them over and for some reason they I don't know what they think. It's a taxi driver. I have no fucking idea But like make America America again Yeah, it's it's ridiculous. You know the hillary stuff

You know people like how can women Not voted for trump like why would a woman vote for trump after all that stuff came out on graham and the pussy and all that stuff It's like, okay Every girl that voted for a fucking trump knows four guys that talk exactly like him. They've known him since high school They've known him since gray and he and they're over every sunday for football They're over for thanksgiving and they're going to a new year's eve party. They all know that guy They don't hate them. They still hang around with them That's how I felt until all those women came forward and I was like, all right, maybe the hillary campaign paid him until that one said

The one lady goes um You know He started hitting on a corner and started hitting on and she she goes Come on get real like get real because he's so fucking old which is hilarious It's exactly like like what kind of fantasy you live in that i'm so pathetic I'd hook up with a fucking skeleton like you so she goes get real and she goes He then he had his hands in his pockets. I'm thrust at his genitals toward me and said get real It was just so

Fucking the detail of it. I was in the car with my wife and I was like, oh my I was like that happened Yeah, that definitely fucking happened. Oh, yeah, yeah, he's been doing that stuff for a long time and but whatever But the the women had no problem with what trump said all that stuff He said, you know grabbing the pussy. It was a pig. He did all that None of them that didn't factor anyone's decision like I know six creeps just like that Well, I think I think my husband talks that way But I feel like if you're a woman and your pussy isn't going to be near enough trump to be grabbed If he's going to give you a tax cut, I think you're going to go with it

You're like, I don't I don't know proof People do what's good for them. That's that's how they vote like I would sit down Hey, this guy's people yelling n-word at the rally. Hey, yeah, you know, I'm not into that But but but Hillary blah blah. So it's like it's like so you don't care like Like most white people do not give a shit about racism because it doesn't affect them. You know what I mean? Yeah, I that's the kind of thing I would love to say back in the day on opium anthony and then they would talk about like, you know affirmative action You know these white kids can't get in the fucking school

It's like dude, if you can't beat out the inner city kid who probably had fucking shit of your books 20 times You shouldn't be fucking going there. That's like when people are out here. They they'll run into a bad club owner out here Be like a fucking la's not working out for me It's like dude, if you can't get a if you don't make it in this business because of one fucking club owner or something like that then I mean, what would Yeah, who gives a shit about that? Yeah, it's just like it does this there's a zillion fucking clubs There's a zillion doors to get through if you're just gonna let give this one person all of this fucking power It's the same thing like you know in the city there's a new york city is 11 clubs that do comedy every night

I tell young commas who just get in one or two it don't don't worry about the other nine and then eventually get them in Who cares that danger field said you're not right for the room. Who's right for that room? Nobody is Nobody nobody's right for that room. Don't take that personally go with the go work the fucking stand or stand in new york You'll do better there anyway I did a pop-in spot there about a year ago at danger fields It was like it was literally like no time had gone by In that nothing had changed there obviously different faces chariot still a waiter there as far as I know And I fucking went up in front of you know this crowd and just fucking ate it

Aided like I was a fucking three years into the business just went up there They finally fixed the sound you remember at that club the fucking reverb reverb was cranked up Yes, so fucking high for like fucking eight years And there was this little mixer up there It was all something he had to do was just fucking fade something up or down or turn a knob And nobody did it for eight years I just remember whenever if you did a bit that was loud and it it bombed how there would be that fucking echo Like when dean martin would sing at capital records it had like that fucking echo thing going on

And it made it like it's almost like it bombed twice because they got to hear the echo of whatever They just they didn't fucking laugh at but uh Dude, I haven't done the clubs back then. It's and so uh, I've been out here for a while Well, that room was you know, they don't tell you what the cover charge is You know a kid comes in 22 years old with his girlfriend some chick. He's trying to bang Yeah, let's go to danger field rodney daniel field. Yeah, and they were oh, yeah, come on in come on Sit down sit down the cover charge is like $19. This is like in 1995 Like 19 ahead and the drinks are like $19 and it's a two drink minimum

So, you know, you're the comedians up there and all of a sudden he's like, ah, let's get out of here This sucks because nobody's laughing you're in the pitch pitch black dark You can't see a fucking thing in front of you and then the kid the 19 year old kid That's trying to bang this chick gets a check for like a hundred and two dollars He's been in the club for 30 minutes Well, a hundred and two and you just hear screaming in the back that you got to pay Well, I didn't know it cost $19 and get in $19. They don't tell you anything. Nothing's posted Oh, god, and then they do you know if you can still a great club though. It's a great club. I should check it out

I don't want to shit on all these no no no no no it's it is For a comp and especially in new york city where you could actually do 30 25 to 30 minutes You can't do it in most of the clubs Well, jim norton was the guy that got us all in there He all he got all of us on opium anthony and he got all of us to do danger fields before that because he was um He was one of those few well, I guess because he was a jersey guy But like so many of those new york comics were just content to just do You know the new york clubs

Yeah The comic strip and that was it and do their 20 minutes and it's just like dude Don't you want to expand this at some point you have to do back then remember it was 45 minutes to close Then it became an hour and now you gotta do like an hour plus but back back when We started out as the the opener did like 10 8 to 10 Brought up the feature who did 20 And and then uh or 25 maybe a 25. Yeah, maybe a half at the most and then the headliner did 45 That was your show 90 minutes

So yes 15 30 45. Yeah, and I remember thinking oh my god. How the fuck do you do 45 minutes? How do you get that last? 15 minutes together now. It's like you got it. You got to do like a fucking hour and 10 minutes hour and 15 Yeah, I saw uh um What's his face last night? Uh, Jesus christ. I'm getting so old just spaced on his fucking name The guy from black flag Henry Rollins Henry Rollins. Oh, he's doing a spoken word thing. I gotta stop fucking talking on myself I gotta go to those head pieces because I really think it's fucking with my memory

Henry Rollins, right? I fucking wouldn't see the guy dude that dude. He does like two and a half hours And it's just like he and he's like it's fucking unbelievable and he's intense right the whole two and a half hours Fucking time. It was funny. Rosa goes I was with Jorosa. I'm like that's fucking guy dude. He comes out It's like when they go ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Henry Rollins They barely get the s of Rollins and he's fucking out there, right? And he comes walking out and he does this bow and his his fists are clinched And then he takes the mic out of the mic stand then he's such wrapping the cord around his fucking hand it was this it was it the guy was fucking amazing and

I made to Rosa laugh my house off because because we were watching the guys Jesus Christ the guys go fucking intense and he goes like yeah, dude, and he's stone sober I was like, Joe, I gotta tell you something I don't think I've ever seen a guy who needs a drink more than this guy this fucking like and he doesn't take any water Like he doesn't take a break. I heard like he won't even reach for water during his set I'm telling you it was like just full on for two. It was yeah It was like I'm trying to think of a band. Yeah, I guess it would be like if you never heard of acdc

You know, they don't play any ballads. Yeah, and if there was no talking between songs And it was all whole lot of rosy right Back in black or even like raging at some machine who doesn't talk when they were they would just I've been a million of those shows and it's just pure They don't talk and I just go one to one song to another to another to another that's another band that the singer won't do it No, he won't do it There's so many of those fucking bands. There's millions and millions of dollars on the table For them to do like festivals over in europe or to 80 000 people and do a tour to states and the guy just won't do it

Well, here's this is the thing if you're in a band Okay And you start seeing your lead singer like reading a real estate book or something on business You got to burn that fucking thing because he's gonna invest his money wisely And then he's not gonna need to do it and then you're gonna be fucked. I just can't imagine like Um I can't first of all I can't imagine the pressure of the lead singer where it's like what if what if the drummer Fucked up and doesn't have his goddamn doesn't have money

And it's just like you could just go do a fucking tour just to help him out You got the pressure of him going come on man. I'm gonna lose my fucking house here I mean it's and he'd be like doing the 90s. We made enough money. You never shed at work again Why was bad with money? Yeah, well that's just do three kicks That's the thing which supposedly would journey they all invested their money And that's why steven perry has a lot of money They they were like the first rock band that really like put their money away and had good financial planning and stuff So they didn't have to do that. They didn't do anything for a while until they got you know the asian singer

They had another guy in there before But they didn't have to do it. Um But yeah, a lot of bands like but this guy in raging as a machine. He just they have a they have a band meeting once a year He doesn't even have a cell phone. They have to like call somebody to call somebody It's almost like when they were you know, like trying to find bin lad and he shows up They talk about raging against machine. You want to put this remaster or whatever? Yeah, okay to hang for a couple hours and then he goes, I'll see you guys and then you don't see him for a year And I like look there's about 80 million on the table if we do about 50 dates

Nah, I'm good. I'm right Jesus well well supposedly supposedly to rumor what guns and rows they got back together You know slash going through a divorce and I don't even know if it's final yet, but He had no prenup married for 20 years in LA with two kids He was going to lose more than 50 percent of his money and supposedly the cut his axle gets 50 Uh slash gets 25 and duff gets 25 and slash will pay his other guys in the band You know, he's still got richie fordus. He's got his drummer and a lot and does he read the keyboard? That comes out axles money, but supposedly what I heard is

uh Duff is giving some of His money to slash because duff's made so many good investments has so much money That he's like, dude, are you gonna need it because he's trying to pay this divorce off or whatever the money's gonna have to pay It duff's actually giving slash some of the money And that's one of the main reasons they got back together. Well the axle never liked slash's wife So as soon as they got married 20 years ago, whatever everything fell apart as soon as they broke up They started talking again and they got the band back together

But supposedly duff is giving a cut to slash to help him out Jesus christ 20 years california's a mother 20 years no prenup two kids How does it work like if you got married in california, but then you move to To washington and then if it falls apart there Do you then go buy the laws of the state that you got married in or the state you're in there? I don't know. I don't know how that works Yeah, dude, it's fun. Did you see what happened to that beautiful woman there on uh

You know the two gay guys the guy al al bundy from married with children What the fuck's the name of that show alternative lifestyles Modern modern family. Yeah, that fucking show. Did you did you see what's what she's going through? No, she was with some guy and they were gonna do that fucking in vitro. So I don't know what he's going. Oh, yeah, and he's suing for the embryos or something like that named him Dude, if that was my son, I'd be like you fucking piece of shit. Get a fucking job I know get a fucking job. Dude. That is that is the cuntiest Bitchiest fucking thing. I've seen somebody doing a long fucking thing. He named the embryos. Yeah, they're like people to me

You fucking piece of shit. You think of you think of it was a waitress some hooters Would he be doing this? No, he just knows she has money and he wants child support He wants child support that happened to something my wife was telling me that happened to some other woman Same same fucking thing like dude, that is just like yeah, that the woman from the view the black chick from the view that quit What's your name? star jones, was it she did she had a baby with this dude or whatever like that star jones was the one who fucking Got her stomach stapled and then was like nah, I just been doing cardio. Yeah grapefruit. Yeah, I was hurry. Yeah

Oh, so she's had a number of but she had the other chick. Who was the other one? Rosie O'Donnell then called her out was like now you ain't you fucking got it. Yeah, you got it stapled You know, it's amazing Rex Ryan's getting fat again like how do you how you fucking You pushed that band right off. He said that his brother ever since his brother got in town That did squound they keep they can't stop eating That was his excuse when he hired his brother after you know, it's funny like yeah, if you moved to Buffalo You're in trouble. It is no healthy place to eat. Yeah Then I got was it Duffy is it Duffy's Duffy's in uh the anchor bar and the two places that claim that they invented the wings

Yeah There's that those two if he goes to Minnesota, they got those juicy lucies You know the burgers where you put the fucking cheese in the middle of it. There's a lot of tough cities new york You could actually eat healthy though, you know He has Rex Ryan if he's not gonna fucking if he's gonna stay skinny Needs to coach a team in like self-involved cities only. Yeah, like if he was the la rams the rams Yeah rams giants of jets. He'd be good San Diego

San Diego, that's a yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he'd meet some Yeah, that might fuck up his marriage though. This is so many beautiful cool chicks down there. You might have a fucking problem Yeah, they're all walking around sandals. He's into feet, you know You walking around with no shirt on his shit, you know, so all right, we're gonna we're gonna wrap up here, dude It's always so great to see i'm so proud man. You got this special coming out once again called the simple man A simple man. You can see it starting tomorrow december 9th 2016 if you listen to this 20 years in the fucking future iTunes in on amazon and uh was taped in new jersey and uh

You said you taped it how long ago like a year and a half ago. Yeah, it was about a year and a half Yeah, so you already got your new hour. Are you ready? Oh, i'm ready. I'm ready. Don't want enough in about a month Dude, i'm not i mine's coming out in january. I taped it in october and i've just been sitting around waiting for this kid to show up So uh, oh and once that kid you're the floodgates are gonna open. I know honey. You haven't been changing a diaper What's up with that? I don't want to be the no you won't be there I thought I was gonna be too because all my friends like all men you never kid You're not gonna be doing kid jokes. Are you start tucking my shirt in and wearing a sport coat? You know when you go on stage the dad shit with the fucking gap jeans

Yeah, well, that's the thing when you first, you know the first six months is hairy man. It's no sleep Everyone's cranky you're up every two hours You'd have to take shifts or whatever like that and you just gotta make sure you almost like don't put on that extra that dad weight In the beginning. Yeah, no, i'm actually trying to i'm trying to drop a bunch of weight before the kid gets here Just yeah, because you're gonna be so exhausted. If you whatever your workout is you're gonna fuck that i'm taking a nap Yeah, well, that's why I think i'm not working on the road until uh, february, but once i'm in february in february i would like to uh You know just start going back out again Because I figure i'll have my hour together by then enough to actually have somebody paid to see me do stand-up again and um

the game plan is to uh You know do my still do my two weekends a month So I figure i'll just go out and just sleep when i'm on the road do my show go back go to sleep And that that'll be my thing and then with my wife i'm just gonna get one day a week I'm gonna give her like a fucking spa day Where she just goes and fucking Probably sleeps during the massage or whatever. I just I feel like my big thing is if I keep her fucking chill and happy

The best I can and that they'll get through this Absolutely. Yeah, that's what I did. I slept on the road. I did all my work on the road too How old's your son now? He's six. He just turned six six. What the fuck are the years going? Yeah holy shit Six years old and what he plays drums and stuff. He plays drums. He sings He's going to the recording studio next week to cut two songs His he's got two originals once called evil pumpkin because he had a dream about a pumpkin He already wrote the lyrics for it and lemmy went lemmy went to heaven

Is a ballad Because he was a motorhead fan. He never got to meet lemmy so he sings about it. He's he's he's insane Jesus christ dude, you're raising him right? Oh, yeah, i've taken him to dolphin games He's been to three games already this year. Is that right? Oh, yeah, he loves it dolphins game Oh, I took him down to miami twice. We went to the ravens game last week down in baltimore He almost met marino. He's a big marino fang some Friends were marinos who were trying to get on the field. We couldn't so he's dead. You gotta meet. I'm like look He already met ozzy

He's pissed that he hasn't met angus young. Oh my god. That's a tough one to pull off I don't know if I can do yeah, you can't get rid of nero's acdc guys brian johnson when he was in the band you could but That's tough to get Yeah, we had him on once on that metal show. I met him once brian johnson and angus Wow, yeah angus was on how was that? It was great right when black ice came out. That was like a 2008 We first started doing the show. Yeah, and I ran to you at the forum. Yeah, we went to the show. Yeah Uh, I'm a huge acdc fan. What were they like? I know brian's cool. Well first of all my son saw acdc with brian johnson and axl So he's seen him with two different singers, which is great and he loved both of them

Well axl did a great job. He did an amazing job. I saw it twice in one week. It was so good You know what's amazing about about axl's voice is the fact that he was a hermit and didn't tour feet forever He still has it It's amazing how I got I give him the comeback player of the year Between guns and roses doing two and a half hour shows and pulling off the bond scott and the brian johnson acdc stuff He's a he supposedly he had a you know, he just realized all these guys dying david bowie You know, every but all these rock stars dying. He's like, what am I doing? Seriously at this point. Let me just let me go back out there

Let's get the band back together go have fun play stadiums and then went and then he was a huge acdc fan at bond scott fan I was his favorite band growing up. He actually made the call he called them and said hey If you guys need me help just let me know And they go come down an audition and next you know, he had the gig wow And the bond scott shit they were pulling out like the stuff they haven't done in years if you want blood you got it They were doing live Oh, did they live wire?

Killer shit. Yeah, cuz they hadn't played that since bond died Yeah, and they did problem child the last night I saw the last night at a tour cliff williams retired a bass player And they played problem child on the encore to go. We haven't done this one. We rehearsed it a couple times We're gonna just and did the problem Williams retired from the yeah retired from the band It was his last show in september. I think he got he's really close with brian and I think brian got the shaft You know what I mean? And they let both live down in florida. They hang on pubs They drank and shit like that and I felt like ah, you know when I'm out man Because it's just angus left in the band like what are you gonna do now?

Oh god, so who who do they get to replace him that nobody because the tour just ended so they don't know what you know They'll just hibernate for a couple years So the band right now is chris slade malcom young's brother angus Axel axel and no bass player. Oh Yeah, so angus is the only one the original guy in the band. So they can't come back. They have to use axel They can't come back. We're like a tribute singer from texas You know in an appetite for destruction band. They no way they're not gonna do arenas

Oh, man, so he's stuck with it. He had to come back back. What happened brian brian his hearing got Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Well, you know, look he was 68 years old. He can only do two shows a week Angus wanted to do four or five. You don't want to sit in the hotel You got a crew of like 300 people it's expensive to be out on the road and angus wants to play, you know every other night brian can only do it two nights. You know, that's a physical show They're doing two and a half hours and the singer is a big thing. You can play guitar Yeah, angus though does fucking flop around on the floor. Shit. The guy's he's like 61 61. Yeah, yeah, and he's still he's still Still weighs 96 pounds still. I know he never drank or did drugs back in the day

He's just like drink milkshakes and shit. Yeah and burn them off smoke four packs of cigarettes a day Yeah, that was his vice, huh? Fuck so I don't know what's going on But but brian based so as soon as they found out something it's almost like a marriage, you know You married like 30 years and all of a sudden, you know, you see your wife was talking to an old boy friend on facebook That's it with divorce. See something's going on like they were just I think it looked they were looking for an excuse To let brian go because angus still wants to do this angus. He's all the money that's out there He could play till he's 70 years old. He could still run around

So brian was basically winding down. So he's like, all right. I gotta get him out somehow get somebody else in and continue this What they really should have done and just said brian said hey, I'm gonna I'm gonna retire after this and then You know Good luck to those guys. They're gonna get a new lead singer and they're gonna carry on The fans would have bought that but a lot of them aren't buying it There was a lot of tickets like they're only doing about 10,000 people like a lot of people return to tickets like fuck that You guys fucked over brian johnson. I don't give a shit who's singing. We're not coming to see the band So who knows what they're gonna do now?

They because you know, jim brewers the one who broke that brewer hung out with brian johnson Like a week after the shit went down and basically went on his podcast and said brian's like they fucked me I said I have a hearing problem next thing. I know I hear on the news that the tour is off and i'm out of the band and Two days later. They shipped all my shit to my house Like a ups or bill u-haul truck shows up with all my equipment. Is that true? I heard yeah Well, that's what he told brewer and brewer talked about it and brian had a back off. No, no, it didn't go down like that But you know it did He just said look, I gotta hear him problem just telling you that it's it's eventually gonna be a bigger problem

But you know, whatever we have 10 shows left obviously i'm gonna do them But I gotta figure this shit out and they just said next day. All right, he's out of the band. Goodbye. He's retiring. He can't play anymore Jesus that makes me happen. I'm a comedian. You know, I know just I have to deal with that just us that level of shit All right. Well, that's the thursday afternoon podcast. I gotta read some advertising here I will not make you sit through listening to me Oh, I don't care, man, but if you go to jimflorentine.com put the Promo code burrin you'll get it for five bucks to special If you don't if you don't got itunes. There's a

Sort of doing that. Okay. Well shit. Guess what i'm doing when I get home Well, i'm going to lamaze class the last fucking one. Oh Jesus, we didn't get into that 10 fucking hours. I did one of those birthing natural birthing classes You know, we went to like an infant infant care thing and I you know Like they taught us how to change a diaper and shit like so like I you know I had younger, you know brothers and sisters. So I knew how to do it But then like, uh, you know, I just hadn't done in a while. So that one actually was just like, oh, yeah Okay, it's good and teach how to wrap the kid up and that shit. Okay. I get this but that fucking

This is the last one dude. I'll tell you this is the last one and uh I wish it was a pub right across the fucking street because I would go out and celebrate that this fucking Class, I mean the lady's nice who teaches it. Everybody in the class is nice But it's just a fucking waste. It's what the fuck are we doing? I did the same thing on my wife at the time and I remember one time she I have a headache She's like, I don't know if i'm gonna be able to make the class tonight. Are you mad? I'm like I go now. No, don't worry about she goes. No, I don't want to miss this one You know, if you really want to go we'll go I go now. Don't worry about it. If you got a headache, let's just stay home

Who knows it could be something worse. I'm like fucking beautiful. Yeah You know, because you have to take the bullet and go. Yeah, no, we'll go when you just sit there like, okay Look, there's gonna be six other people in the room that went to fucking school for this for eight years I'm just some fucking asshole. How am I gonna help? It's it's the stupidest fucking it's the stupidest thing ever there's six doctors in there I know what the hell they're doing and I'm just standing there It's the only fucking procedure what medical procedure that you you're fucking in there. I worked in a dental office My dad would tell him get out of here because they're gonna see blood you're gonna faint now

I got two patients. I know I don't need you here One more dude just the amount of fucking times I look at that clock dude. It's like it's insane. No, I know It's like two hours, right? 701 702 704 don't look don't look 706. Fuck Fuck and then they they bust out like a film strip a little video and I'm psyched again It's like I'm in high school again. Oh good a fucking film strip. I could just fucking chill out and not think Well, mine was showing like natural birth like in the bathtub and they had like they're the one was putting VHS tapes in from women from like the 80s that had

You know kids at home in their bathtub and they're showing and they're showing the kid coming out and these big hairy pussies You know Like these bushes that are really high because it was seriously from like the 80s They were on like a camcorder and a film that I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me Oh, at least that's funny, man, they were just fucking like dude, you know, it's funny. They were showing like you know, if if you you're The woman's having trouble they can make an incision basically along the taint. Yeah, I know. Sorry guys They either vertical or like fucking at an angle and I'm looking at it and I and it's just this drawing

And I was going like Jesus Christ. Why is the clit so big and it was the asshole like that was driven so bad I was just I ain't clit. My wife was dying Because they they just sort of like drew a bush a little bit like and then they just had like this black hole And I couldn't tell if she was laying on a stomach or on her back and it was just like It was funny. It was like a week later. I said that said, yeah, I understand. Why did they draw the clits? No, I remember I figured it out in the class and then I laughed to myself then I told my wife and she was fucking Dying laughing. I was like, but did that look like a fucking asshole? It didn't they didn't draw it right? All right, this is way off topic. Um

Uh, I was uh, uh, I don't know. I already already forgot jim florentine a A simple man a simple man. I always said a sane man Uh, a simple man is going to be once again itunes and on amazon. I'm going to read some uh advertising here Jim, thank you so much for coming by always always a pleasure to see you. Yeah, thanks, man And uh, I don't know. I hope they'll run to you back east and we'll do a couple sets of danger fields Yeah, all right. I want to go back there. I want to do a prom That's two in the morning. All right, buddy. All right There are a lot of options where to buy your next floor

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Check out his new special a simple man on amazon.com or on itunes You can also download it off his website for five bucks. All right. Have a nice weekend. You can't and I'll talk to you on monday Well Right, it's one of those deals every year there's that douche Then there's always the douche who has to try and top everybody's stories, you know, you could be sitting there with the fucking astronaut Eat some out try to top or correct them Well, actually I thought According to

Yeah, what I don't know a video game some fucking astronaut video game the douche played he'd actually try to question a real ass Who even knows an astronaut at this point aren't they all dead? Did the people who were on the space shuttle where they considered astronauts because I didn't consider them astronauts You're not an astronaut if you're in a plane Okay, and I know it's a big one And I know it's got rockets on it initially All right But all I know is that the astronauts that I grew up on with will fucking

They were at the top of a missile That's what they did. You didn't steer that fucking thing. I mean how they got back. They had a little capsule I think you just leaned to one side. You kept rolling back towards the earth Hoping you'd re-enter Right, then the parachutes came out and they couldn't fucking find you because all we had was binoculars You know, where is he? I don't see him Anything on the starboard? Nothing, sir. Ain't nothing off the starboard, right? You're fucking sitting there in the water Clinging to a stingray

If you're lucky you landed on an island and then you met a genie Who called you master but for some reason you never fucked her but other than that that's what an astronaut was He didn't fly in a fucking plane You know eating spaghetti. Oh is whatever the fuck they did and then land and get towed to the gate by a fucking Toyota tundra All right, that's not an astronaut to me. That's a very impressive pilot I'm very impressed You went a lot higher than the jumbo jet I flew to Syracuse in

Hats off to you, sir Oh All right UFOs do my question is in here somewhere I am nowhere near a conspiracy freak or anything like that But I do admit I get a hard on for any documentary on that secret military base in Nevada that is called area 51 The government is supposed. Well, I mean believe in aliens like I Don't know that that's really not that crazy

You know what you think like how big the fucking universe is Just life on one planet No life anywhere else despite the fact that they see evidence of water on Mars at some point You know, I'm telling you guys. We're not that special If you're God and you made the whole universe are you the I'm just gonna sit back watching one fucking Planet maybe that's why the earth is so fucked up I don't think he's been watching us for the last couple thousand was last time he reached out Reach out reach out

someone out All right, when's the last time he fucking did that was last time he fucking was in a burning bush going egg Hey, you there you there with the long fucking curvy stick next to the sheet come over here Come over to the burning bush. You know was last time he did that. I think he's been watching other earths Flipping through the channels You know Can you imagine how clear his fucking how big do you think God's flat screen TV is? How clear is that picture? I bet even if you make it to heaven

You know, you don't even get to see it like he comes out of his office and you try to peek in real quick And like the human eye you get just it's just too much of a fucking glare, right? So anyways, yeah, if you believe in aliens, I mean, I mean, I don't know that that that we can reach one another You know that whole flying saucer fucking horseshit I mean, how long can you go with with artificial breathe, you know some sort of atmosphere in there? That was like on Star Trek. I mean, they just had this limitless supply of fucking oxygen Just fucking flying through space They now look at them they landed on a lot of planets that had oxygen they would just land on these planets

And they just had oxygen. I think what they did was they opened the date landed the Starship Enterprise They just opened the windows and they got some more oxygen and then they flew away, right? Isn't that how it works? Anyways The government supposedly is housing and researching crashed UFOs and uses deadly force to keep regular people out Do you have any opinion on the subject? I think I just said I mean, I don't fuck Do I think they actually have the bodies of aliens? Do you realize like the level of secrecy you would have to have if you actually had that shit That would be like one of the things before they went in the room. It's like, okay, we're gonna let you in this room and

You gotta understand when you go in this room the door is closing and you're never getting out Because you're gonna see some fucking shit in here that I don't give a fuck You're not if you have one shot a Nyquil you're gonna be blabbering about it You can't do it So I don't I don't know I don't fucking know Anyways, he goes, what is your bullshit meter say? I think there's way too much of a veil of secrecy around the place to think otherwise I used to know someone who was a career Air Force pilot whenever the subject of that base or those mysterious flights

Mysterious lights over Phoenix seen in 1997 came up. He completely removed himself from the conversation Those mysterious lights. I don't even know what you're talking about for all you know, they're just testing some Psycho fucking weaponry, you know, really when the new Yankee Stadium came out In like 08 or 09 and they were like we have 2013 technology All right, if those fucking morons that run that place Can have shit that we're not gonna have You know, they can be four or five years ahead of us. Can you imagine what the government is? Mean they got they got to have shit from like I don't know 2014. I have no fucking idea. I don't know

Anyways, he says quite frankly the evening's laughs would end right after the topic was brought up I believe in life outside of our universe to think that we human and all of earth's inhabitants of the only life Anywhere is just plain ignorant. I 100% agree with that I'm sure you've heard stories about President Nixon secretly showing UFOs and aliens to his favorite comedian Jackie Gleason That's a complete crock of shit What would you like he's gonna do that? All right now? No, I'm not supposed to show you that. I know I'm not supposed to show you And away we go. It was a bad Nixon impression right there What would happen if you were showing some stuff like that? I imagine I would immediately be microchipped or shot in the back of the fucking head

Would you tell about it? I? Wouldn't want to know about that That if I actually found out about that it would blow my fucking mind I You know what it is look Maybe that maybe your Air Force guy buddy there has seen something because I would say that like all Conversed no, but you know what he laughs right up until that moment If he wasn't laughing at all throughout all your conversation Then I would I would believe it more because I know if I knew some shit like that

and Then I would sit there and listening to people talking about God and holy shit that we believe down here that didn't include aliens I would I would feel like a fucking alien Because I would be like yeah, we're just a speck of dust fair people and there's all this other stuff out there and Yeah, it would drive me nuts after a while Yeah, no, I'm not cut out for that fucking the kind of secrets I can keep are like You know You know it stays in the locker room kind of shit

You know I mean You live your life. I you want to fucking live your life You know and until like if you're Look if you're pouring shit into the water supply You know if you're doing stuff like that if you're fucking vandalizing the neighborhood I live in then go fuck yourself All right, but you know the other bullshit. I look the other way, but if I knew there was fucking aliens Yeah, no, there's look I'm too fucking stupid there's no way they would tell it to me If I was in the Air Force how far in the Air Force you think I would get you think I'd get anywhere beyond the guy with

The two sticks guy in the fucking plane and You know Hey, what's up? It's Bill Burr. I mean this is the Monday morning podcast. Well, I always say hey, what's up? This is bill Burr, you know like it's gonna be somebody else on my own my space page Would you guys be disappointed if I did that if I suddenly got an assistant? You know Who the fuck would get an assistant for a podcast? All right, this is the deal. This is the Monday morning podcast if you're new to my page I do one of these every single Monday people send me questions

They send me lists of stuff that they feel is overrated or underrated They correct me when they feel that I say fucked up shit and sometimes That causes an argument between listeners and Yeah, so It's gonna be a very subdued bill Burr on this podcast if you notice my voice is a little bit lower than it usually is Did a lot of screaming yelling this weekend at Caroline's Comedy Club And I'm gonna go see AC DC tonight at the LA forum

And then tomorrow morning I'm gonna go see the AC DC tonight at the LA Forum I have to get up early Because I'm shooting something so I got this weird thing where I'm going to AC DC, but I can't start screaming and yelling You know So I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I doing? I start playing the jack. I'm like on a lip-sync I'll do it like Britney Spears and I'll put my fucking finger up to my ear and act like I'm trying to hit that note, you know, I Have a fucking crazy week and I'm at the age now where I'm gonna start drinking tea with a little bit of honey in it before every one of my shows

And what happens when I get tired, I start yelling from my throat rather from Down below where it's supposed to be coming from and I fucking Shred my voice a little bit. So I Really hope you're not new to my podcast because that was one of the fucking most boring minutes of my podcast I think in the history of my podcast. That's great though. Why don't you fucking drop the energy through the goddamn floor and let it Hear about your medical problems It was really fucking awful, but um, yeah, so I got a huge week. I'm gonna go see yeah, AC DC and then later on You know, I'm shooting some bullshit this week and then after that. I'm going on a vacation

I'm going on. I'm gonna go see some hockey games up in Canada Friday night. I'm going to the Calgary Connect game Calgary cannot be fucking Calgary flame came and I think they're playing the Canucks, right? Where's Edmonton playing the Canucks? No Calgary's playing Florida then I'm seeing Edmonton vs. Vancouver in Edmonton at Northland Scala see them and then I go over to fucking Vancouver and If you're from up there

If you're from Alberta or the British Columbia and you can recommend some bars for me to hit before or after the games Let me know And if you know of some convenient hotels that won't rape me because I've yet to get a fucking hotel typical fucking guy I got the tickets first and then I'm dealing with all sorts of food and hotel shit later Which means basically I'll get to the airport and I'll be like where the fuck am I staying? Oh, there's a super raid I'm sorry there. We're all booked up. What do you mean? You were all booked up Yeah, the fucking Alberta Rough Riders or whatever fucking CSL team that I've never heard of is in town playing for the great cup. I

Really don't know shit about Canada. My biggest feeling I don't like about this trip I was hoping to drive from Edmonton over to Vancouver But I just it would just take forever because you got to go through those mountains, but I wanted to go through them I want to see you know What toothless rednecks look like and what mountain men look like in in Canada and then you know when you go through shit like that you end up seeing an animal you never seen before and it fucking freaks you out You feel like Magellan or some shit like I'm a one-time I was driving through Wyoming and I don't know what these animals are But they look like

Gazelles and antelopes they look like some shit you'd see on the sarin getty And I saw one and I started freak freaking out By myself screaming pointing at it as I was driving by screaming. What the fuck is that? Like something or something was gonna like the universe was gonna answer me. I just go what the fuck is that? What the fuck I looked over at the guy, you know, I was kind of passing and he wasn't even looking at it I'm like why you know He's not even excited about do with that fucking thing. What is that thing? And then I went over the hill and then there was a whole herd of them and I was like, oh, that's why that guy's not excited

These are like their pigeons He doesn't give a fuck you probably annoyed by me. He's probably stepped in there shit at some point in his life Maybe even fell down at the bus stop first day of school sneakers are never clean again. He got a bad nickname Here comes old, you know Alley fucking antelope shit You know some sort of a litteration that a remont red fucking went along with whatever kind of animal that was you know And then that name just sticks and it actually affects the level of pussy that you're gonna get, you know And he always told himself. I'm getting the fuck out of this state, man

I'm getting the fuck out of this state. How the hell am I gonna get laid with antelope shit as a fucking nickname, you know It's not gonna happen. I need to go south. I need to go to Greeley, Colorado And even if I'm called fucking antelope shit the smell from that slaughterhouse down there Nobody's gonna care Nobody that greatly any any Colorado listeners. This is the shit. I learned on the when I go on the road in Greeley, Colorado, they have this huge slaughterhouse up there and It lingers in the air and some days when they kill too many fucking they slaughter too many Whatever the fuck they I guess steer

People actually call up they they call bad smell days and then they call up the slaughterhouse and said hey Can you can you fucking lay off? Can you lay off the slaughter a little bit and I don't know what they do the count like one, Mississippi? Maybe they choke out a pheasant speaking of stairs, I Was in New York City last weekend. Oh, and if you don't know what a steer is a steer is a I believe it's a bull with no balls That's something else. I learned when I was driving on the road. I'm like, all right, that's a cow. That's a bull What the fuck is that?

Someone's like a steer like what the fuck is a steer and they told me said that's a bull doesn't have his balls And I'm like what why is that and I think it had to do something with hamburgers I think that's what it is. I think that's how they make beef they have bulls fuck cows I'm gonna be wrong here. I think the bulls fuck the cows and Then they eat the cows, you know give birth and it's either a cow or it's a bull But you know if they want to make the bull be hamburger meat or steak You know they cut his balls off And he just stands around like oh great

You know like that that fucking Unfunny caveman and those Geico commercials those Geico commercials don't even make sense anymore He's like, oh, I get it You know something something but I get it and he walks away. It's like, you know what dude? I don't get it I don't get it. I don't get the whole fucking thing. I don't get how There's some hot chick giving you attention and then she has a Geico keychain and you can't handle that I can see if you're a woman that would be a deal-breaker because you'd have control over your fucking pussy But if you're a guy, you don't have control over your dick. So you know what I mean? She could actually be wearing a fuck

Caveman I hate fucking caveman t-shirt, but if she wasn't wearing a bra, you'd be like, all right. Well, you know simple equation I'll just bend her over and I'll hate fucker so Anyway, so I'm in New York City I'm in New York and oh somebody asked me that day after you say something funny. What is that clicking noise? I don't know if I'm just on a bad phone. It's probably me laughing. I don't think it sounds like clicking noises, but anyways Jesus Christ, Bill get to the fucking point. So I'm in New York City

And I'm working Caroline's and a buddy of mine always goes to this steakhouse Smith and the wince will in ski It's on 49th and 30s like yeah, there's a guy who works up there. He's a big fan of stuff. You should come by and You know, I'm like fuck. Yeah, definitely. I'll go up there. You know, I love going to steak houses It's one of the few places you can actually feel like a man. It's like old school, you know Fucking and it's like classy. You're not like It's not like that hacky shit, you know what I mean? Like you know all these punks who sit there and they watch a couple of rat pack videos Then they go out they buy themselves a suit and they start walking around thinking that they're

Recreating the rat pack when there's just something Too glossy about the way they're doing it, you know, I don't know if it's their manicured eyebrows Whatever the fuck guys are doing nowadays, but they did they can't fucking pull it off But when you go into those those steak houses that have been there for a while They got a lot of waiters who've been there forever. So they're they organically bring that vibe and You raise up to their level You know what I mean to come on a table. They have the females order first that old-school classy shit, you know, I

Don't know. I like it. So anyway, so I fucking go in there and you guys if you've been listening to my podcast You know whenever I get sick. I imitate that guy Ray Winston from Winston or whatever from fucking sexy beast my favorite movie ever, you know the beginning of the movie where he's like Yeah I'm sweating here roasting

bacon boiling It's like a sauna that bullshit. I fucking love that movie is my favorite movie So I'm in this fucking steak house and I look over and I'm looking at this fucking guy and I can tell he's somebody But he's got these big I'm a producer glasses on I thought it was Mickey work for half a fucking second because I'm real bad at that shit and I'm with like, you know, my girl and a couple other people and they look over they go that's fucking That's your boy there from the movie. That's fucking No, wait a minute. I don't know what happened. I was a little hungover. Sorry

He goes out to have a cigarette or a fag as they call it and he's fucking standing out there and He's out there with fucking teddy bass. Mr. Black magic Fuckin what's his face Ian McCallum is that his name? I'm so bad with that. I watched that movie fucking nine of the times I still don't know the goddamn names. He's standing there and the director all his shit and I Was like you got to be fucking kidding me So my buddy's like we got to go out there. We got to get him We got to get a picture with them and I'm like now man, I'm not gonna fuck those guys. I saw him. That's enough for me

I see him. I'm not gonna bug him and he's like dude. You fucking kidding me You fucking kidding me. That's not like it's it's fucking Ashton Kutcher Those are real fucking You know great actors the guy was in the fucking departed stop being a douche Let's go. So I said fucking I went out there and they ended up being hot shit And they were I guess there's another sexy beast coming out. I don't know. They were fucking cool as hell and I don't know. I'm gonna post the picture on it at some point up on my website

But I got to meet like half the cast from sexy beast and I ate a steak. You know what I mean? Fucking doesn't get any better than that. It's like one of those old Milwaukee brew commercials. Isn't that right? Isn't that why that fucking those commercials went doesn't get any better than this or was that bush? You know Doesn't get any better than this, you know, we're a bunch of guys. There's no broads around. We're sitting in the woods How could it not get any better than that? Well, cuz basically I think we've got enough pussy in our lives and Now we just find females irritating That's the only way it could ever make any sense out of that commercial because other than that you're outside

you shouldn't in the woods and there's mosquitoes and If you're there with five guys, you know, one of them you didn't want to come along but someone else liked them You know, which is probably why you're drinking All right, let's get one with the questions for this week the subdued podcast the easy listening podcast here. Hello Behave I'm paying for your meal. All right question number one bill if you died in some fucked up But still really funny way If you died in some really in some fucked up, but really funny way How long do you think it would be before your other comedian friends would start busting your balls?

Either in their own stand-up acts or just in public even though that would be kind of country How long till that fucking too soon period was over? Well, if I'm dead I don't think that they would be able to break my balls, but I know what you mean I would say pretty much after a day and a half someone would make the first joke and Then it would just be open season because then the other comics would try to top what the other comics said and

I don't know outsiders would view that as insensitive But I've always been fascinated how people don't realize that you know comedians always have a joke no matter what the tragedy is And they think it's because comedians are insensitive assholes. I mean there is an element of truth to that but Making a joke when something bad happened is also a way It's like a defensive mechanism. We like oh my god. I'm feeling sad I don't want to feel this feeling and then you just say something ridiculous. Everybody laughs it gets rid of the tension You know, it's not if they don't give a fuck, but Sometimes they don't and I gotta admit if I did die in a really stupid way. I would be disappointed if

people didn't you know Trash me till the end of time Jesus Christ, well, I'm trying to think of the stupid ways to die. I don't want to do that fucking chinks myself All right question number two Hey, Bill, I've been wanting to get into stand-up since I was 20 years old I've been a huge pussy for the past three years So I've just been writing jokes and not performing them because I'm too scared to go through with it

Eventually I'm gonna man up and do it But now I have the problem of having a three-year stockpile of jokes. How do I decide which ones to do? For my five minutes at the stress factory I don't know. I would pick, you know Some shit you wrote recently because I figured you've been right for three years You're probably just getting better at it and plus if you're doing topical material, I don't think anybody gives a shit about I Don't know what was topical three years ago

2008-2005. Oh, what's up with John Kerry? This guy's face is longer than a fucking big This guy knows what I'm talking about. Can you back me up? No, just fucking don't put that pressure on yourself Just write five minutes of shit that you think is funny the first time you go on stage I always tell us the people has nothing to do with how good or bad you do It's just all about having the balls to go up there when they call your name Worry about what the fuck you're doing, you know After you've done it two three times, you know what I mean then start to you know

Because you know, you're literally you just jump in the deep end You're just trying to swim to the side, you know, just make it to the end of your set. Don't worry about it Don't worry about it. Seriously, dude, and just always know the worse you bomb the better the story is That's it when comedians sit around. We don't tell stories about killing. We talk. We sit around talking about the night we ate our balls in Front of I don't know a bunch of Navy SEALs at a corporate party on a battleship or some dumb shit I don't fuck you'll be fine You'll be fine. Just grab the mic and fucking talk about what you think is funny

And if you're bombs just make fun of yourself and then tell people to go fuck themselves and say thank you. Good night That's my first set advice All right, number three. Hey Bill lately. I have been flexing a ton of girth and The flexometer in my house keeps going off I think this is a vaguely sort of a dick joke here any tips for keeping my girth more stealth when I flex it Maybe a stealth flex or a flex Silencer

Any idea if these products exist or do you have any other tips so that I can flex more quietly? I'm just trying to flex my girth more stealth. You know, yeah, absolutely. Well, you got to stop wearing those fucking You know Joey Ramon jeans where people know exactly how excited you are, you know, I would go more with some 50 cent What is he rough rider? Whatever the fuck his posse is called. Yeah, just get yours Get some different jeans. Yeah, stop acting like you're in the strokes You know fucking loosen up your jeans and you can have a full-on fucking woody and no one's ever gonna know definitely do not wear sweat pads and Or short shorts You know sitting down also helps

Especially if you're at a desk Other than that you and your girth are on your own All right, you see this you knew my podcast you like the wide variety of questions Anyways question number four. Hey Bill, do you think the media has ever treated done in a done of it in McNabb fairly? I mean the guys put up great stats over the years and let his team to four NFC championships and one Super Bowl Yet every year he gets bashed for something. Why does the media go after the idiots of the league? Why doesn't the media go after the idiots of the league instead of players who stay out of trouble? I don't know. You know, I honestly don't know. I didn't know Donovan mad got more shit than usual

I know that fat jackass from the radio trashed him that one time and I know to gave him shit But I always looked at Donovan that he was a he's a professional handle of shit. Well never throws a temper tantrum and I Don't know it might have to do with Philly fans You know, they got that They got that short fuse. I Don't know, you know something. I don't know. I never looked at Donovan McNabb like he was treated unfairly You know, I Guess he's just had a couple of really high-profile douchebags give him shit in a really bad way and

You know, he handled it. Well, he never really lashed out back. He just was like, hey, you know, that's what they're So what they're doing? I'm gonna go get some soup, you know, I Don't know. That was the worst fucking answer of I have no idea. I don't fucking know I have no idea But thank you for asking. Thank you for thinking I actually could answer that question intelligently and thank you for exposing me on how fucking ignorant I am on the whole Donovan McNabb crisis. Okay question number five. Hey, Bill I've been listening to your podcast for about half

Half a year now about you should say a half about a half a year now. I don't think you've ever addressed this Okay, what is that jerk off? Oh, this is the question What is what is that jerk off slash rapid tapping noise you make just after you make make a salient point Or a particularly funny joke for some reason that sound great on me Like somebody raking their teeth on a blackboard, you know, I never listen to my podcast I think it's just me laughing and I have a shitty cell phone So maybe it doesn't pick it up, right? I have no fucking idea But I'm sorry it grates on you like somebody raking their teeth on a blackboard

Jesus Christ fucking brutal image. All right now. I'm self-conscious. I won't ever laugh again during my podcast. Is that what you do? Huh, you know, you walk around miserable and you try to suck the joy out other people's lives You know, I think it's time. You might want to sit down in the mirror and you know Take a little stock in yourself. All right question number six. I don't know what it is, dude I have no idea and I'm not going to look into it. So I Don't know what to tell you Question number six. Hey Bill first off great job in the podcast. I think it's cool that you're using this technology to spread more predictable mediocrity

Oh Jesus Christ, I'm getting trashed. Let me read that again so you guys can enjoy that pounding that was funny All right, first off great job in the podcast I think it's cool that you use technology to spread more predictable mediocrity than would have been ever been possible 10 years ago Guilty is charged fucking son of a bitch second question second. Here's the question When should I shave my head? I know that you have dealt with the old receding hairline By trying your damn this to look like billy corgan Jesus Christ, I'm getting roasted here. I suffer from the same affliction and my plan is to Sort of keep cutting it shorter and shorter until eventually take it to the scalp

My hairline is about three and a half inches from my eyebrows now And I'm using the number four guard on the clippers any suggestion. I think you got the right idea You know what and I applaud you for manning up Not doing that rogaine crap You know or having some hair yanked out of the back of your scalp and stapled on top of your fucking head You know man up like fucking telly savalas You know, I don't know And I don't know I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, is it gets shorter and shorter you just keep cutting it down

I don't know why guys go through all that. I you know, I've actually heard when people get hair plugs They can actually still continue to fall out and now you now you can't shave your head because you got this frankenstein Scar on the back of your head This guy I know who will remain nameless. He recently got a hair transplant. I never knew what the fucking difference between Hair plugs and a hair transplant, but evidently a hair transplant. They literally cut a swath one inch long On the back of your head And take all that hair out and that's what they used to put on top of your head

And I guess the skin on your scalp's a little bit loose. So then what they do with now that you got that one inch um Stretch of skin now the back of your head. They basically then push the skin together and then they sew it shut And uh, I don't know about you, but that sounds pretty fucking horrific when you can basically shave your head in about three. I don't know Three minutes you're done. It's over and people look at you like what the fuck for two minutes And then they can't remember you the other way

Unless you have a half hour hbo special that reoccurs every fucking six months um Okay, anyways, this is the rest of it. He says um I haven't listened to you since your first appearance on o and a And uh, I got to see you live in houston, Atlanta. I like your comedy I'm pulling for you to blow up even bigger next time in your Atlanta if you still want to know how to use a shotgun I'll teach you what I know apps are fucking loopy See that guy's a hot shit. See that guy's an old school guy. See what he did. He broke my balls

Gave me a couple good jabs of the face and he slapped me on the back. Hey, just fucking with you. I like your comedy Let me teach you how to shoot a gun right there. I bet that guy eats in a steakhouse. All right question number seven Hey bill I've been listening to your podcast ever since you did a show at embryo riddle That shitty little aviation school in arizona I like that place I liked it. I was fascinated by the level of intelligence there that you guys actually uh

Little we had you literally had rocket science just there, right? You guys who understood about fucking aerospace Science technology fucking thing. I don't know what it was. I was blown away by it. Um Got him a moron. All right You've mentioned that you're a big sports fan and that you have the nhl package as a fellow hockey fan Do you feel the national coverage that pro hockey gets is fair? I see highlights on sports center that last about 30 seconds They'd rather talk about dumb pointless shit like teos comments after a game And talk about it for 30 minutes or show pro bowling or women's college volleyball and give you pro hockey

Um more than a minute of their time. What what's the deal with that? Um All right, there's a lot of questions in there. Um, let's see. Let's get back to these Do I feel the national coverage that pro hockey gets is fair? um Yeah, I do because I think hockey is a rogue sport And I like it like that. I I like that it's not at the same level of disgusting exposure that hockey baseball and basketball are at um

Because I think that those three sports suffer from them just trying to cross pollinate And cross promote and just make people who aren't into sports watch sports And people who watch sports and don't give a fuck about the Jonas brothers Watch the Jonas brothers play at halftime or britney spears or any of that other shit Or those dumb tv shows they try to promote during the games just trying to have that orgy of Poor shit that they always try to do. I can't stand that shit. So I like that. Nobody likes hockey I really like it and I like the um, I like that people don't get why people fight in hockey Um, I I love all of that shit. I just think it's a great fucking game and I think it deserves

To be up in canada and in the north northern part of this country and people who get it watch it and those who don't can ask their same little faggy questions of You know And just so you know the fighting the fighting is so fucking great every other sports There's such an unbelievable level of shit talking that you can get away with Because the second people start throwing punches your whole teammate jumps in You know, I mean it was like back in the day if you had to fight some kid after school And you knew you were going to get your ass kicked

The best move you could make was start swinging in the hallways because the teachers were going to run out and break it up Before anything ever happened and by then you're down in the office and they say if you guys fight again We're going to fucking expel you and now you got your out. That's what those other three sports are You know, I mean you ever see the basketball players try to fight They throw punches like they're trying to throw somebody out from the fucking warning track Of three rivers stadium. They throw like that that dave parker overhand, right? I saw shack do that. He threw eat fucking eat threw it Like every one time I go said daemon wanes imitating a big black girl fighting and that's the way shack threw a punch

He fucking it was pathetic and he missed the guy And he fucking missed him um You know, I love hockey if you're a cunt you get the shit kicked out of you And the guy only has to sit down for five minutes for the simple fact that he beat up a cunt You know, I don't understand why it's so difficult to understand, you know, there's boxing boxing is a sport and that is fighting And um hockey part of the sport is fighting

That's a part of the sport if you don't like it watch diving or something else All right, I totally got off track there. Um, why don't um And also, you know something I like the I think espn doesn't show it because they lost their contract with the nhl So they're kind of pissed about it. So they're like fine We're trying to have our little new world order monopoly on all sports and you don't want to play ball So fuck you we won't show your highlights So instead they show nine hours of poker Is anybody really watching that anymore that shit was literally fascinating for like the first six months

And then you know Now I don't give a shit, you know with all this stupid nicknames and their little fucking stupid glasses They call him snake ass. He's out of arizona and he won fucking. I don't give a shit You know ed money maker or whatever the fuck they call themselves It's gay It's really gay. It's horrifically out of shape people

And I don't give a fuck if the river card's coming Um, so there you go. Did I answer your question? I don't know I don't I don't yet nhl will never get it's nhl gets the level of exposure it fucking deserves They've tried everything to get people into it But you remember when they had that little gay little fucking flame coming out of the back of the puck For people who couldn't see it that didn't work They've tried everything and they should just accept the fact that they are You know just

Just be who the fuck you are stop trying to be fucking something for everybody You know those other sports. I mean the NFL is annoying I don't like how the NFL they're trying to fucking deliberately make me get a dish Because they keep showing cool games on thursdays And they won't show it to me unless I have a dish, you know I don't I don't respond to terrorism just like this country. I do not respond to it. They'll fuck yourself I'm sticking with cable question eight bill What is this the last question too, by the way, it's getting kind of long here

What is your opinion on the christmas specials on tv? My wife is like, let's watch some christmas specials Oh, I guess I'm supposed to do my girl voice there. My wife is like, let's watch some christmas specials I can't fucking stand them all I want to shoot santa root off and tim allen in the fucking head But I don't but I don't say that because I want to stay married Also, what is your favorite hockey hockey memory? I'm a big hockey fan. Love the podcast Um, all right. What is my opinion of christmas specials?

Um, I haven't watched them in 20 years and I'm watching them this year because I'm trying to get into the spirit And I'm actually enjoying them. Some of them are better than others Um, I like the one where burl ive sings have a holly jolly christmas as the snowman Um, I like that shit. I actually decorated my apartment. I went all out this year. So I don't I don't mind them, but if It depends on how annoying your wife is If every five seconds she's like, oh my god

Then yeah, that would that wouldn't annoy the shit out of me I know I don't know dude. I don't know what to tell you just fucking you know what you do. This is what you do You say, yeah, let's get into the christmas spirit You get some eggnog and you put a bunch of booze in it and then you'll start equating the christmas specials with boozing And not having to listen to your wife And uh, maybe you'll start looking forward to them You know, you probably start, you know watching the great pumpkin in october

Okay Now wait, there was one other fucking question. I didn't get to Somebody sent me a really good question About the hype on britney spares. Where the fuck did I put that? All right What's going on here? All right, let me read some overrated underrated and I got to find this last question real quick. All right overrated number one Um, oh and if you knew to my podcast people sent me in their list of shit that they feel is overrated

And their list of shit that they think is underrated. All right overrated the bcf standings every year people complain And beg for a playoff system not even our president now even our president elect says we should have a playoff system Do you ever think these rich pricks will allow it to happen? Um No, and I don't think they should have a playoff system Um, just for the simple fact that you can blow out your knee and end your career and they're basically playing for free Other than bullshit money that they get from College boosters, is that what they call them? No, I don't think they should play more games

I like that everybody gets all pissed at the end of the fucking year. There's 9 000 fucking teams What do you want? They do the best they can It works for me. I don't care and I like that someone's always pissed in the end as a nice level of controversy I think they kind of have a playoff system with bcf. They just need to expand it to four teams That's all and if anybody complains after that, they you know, they can go fuck themselves There you go problem solved. Um, actually i'm going to the rose ball this year not bragging, but i'm going It's right at the fucking street number two nfl overtime Um person thinks this is overrated. How is it exciting seeing teams win it with a field goal in overtime?

How bad a reader am I? I'm like, how is it exciting seeing teams with it with a field goal trying to be this more smoother How is it exciting seeing teams win it with a field goal than overtime or even tie like the eagles versus the Bengals? Uh, they should take a lesson from college football and make their overtime just like theirs It would be a lot more exciting um I don't know I like that they're different. I really don't have a problem. I don't have a problem with college football or pro football I just have a problem with the fucking nfl trying to make me buy a dish

But um, I guess it would be more exciting if they could have half a field and they just keep going at it um I don't know. I just think it gets back to that thing again Now you're dealing with even older football players and they could get the shit kicked out of them and Blow out their fucking knee. I have no idea. You guys are really asking me a lot of fucking not too difficult questions But for some reason I can't fucking answer them this week I don't wait a second. Where in god's name was this question this guy sent me

Ah god damn it You know what I can basically paraphrase it this kid was asking me of this guy this gentleman of this female I can't remember who wrote it was basically saying what's with all this talk about britney spears coming back People are actually really buying into it. I don't understand what the big deal is people were saying she's crazy Just because you shave your head. It doesn't mean you're fucking crazy. So I don't know What do you think it's like a big media ploy I have no idea. All I know is that I

When I think somebody's music sucks, I don't care about their comeback you know Kind of like madonna madonna has a couple of good tunes, but other than that You know, I I don't understand what the big deal is Just I mean granty you got to give her credit Every five years she comes up with a new way to fucking dress like a whore. You got to give her that Um, but I really think it's time for her to uh, you know, put some more clothes on Can I talk about that last week? What have I happened to elegance? You know what I mean?

Like women in their 40s and 50s can can can be beautiful, but not if they dress like they're 18 Same thing with guys That just comes that point where you've got to stop wearing your hulk hogan fucking White beater You know at that point, you know, you get you got your fucking flabby grandmother arms It's just not going to work out People in their 40s and 50s need to wear more clothes. They need to look classy That's what you're in your classy years. You're older. You're wiser. You know what I mean? You can't fucking sit there. Uh

It's weird because madonna isn't great shape, but like This you're still 50. You're a shredded 50 year old put on some fucking pants Jesus christ get a skirt down to your knees at least, you know I I don't understand it and like, uh Now that i'm on the subject of plastic surgery. I saw an interview the other day with her, you know It's just I don't know. What did she do to her fucking face? It was like You looked normal And I don't get that like you you look your age. Okay, you look you looked 48 two years ago

and now two years later now you look like a A 33 year old alien I mean I don't know that's basically they don't have it down yet. I don't know a few people have noticed You know with the plastic surgery you want to get a tummy tuck Or get your ankles enlarged or wherever the fuck people are doing any of that shit below the neck I I guess I can kind of understand it

But the face they don't have the face down. I don't think they have the other shit down It's just that when I talk to somebody I don't stare at their fucking stomach You know, but if they were in a half shirt and that's where their fucking mouth was I would be looking at their stomach going up God, why did they do that? I don't fucking know. So basically what do you think about the britney spears thing? I I honestly I don't give a shit I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit about You know people who basically, you know, you walked around with no underwear on yet Now the paparazzi falls you around but even then I don't even believe that I think you fucking called them and let let them know

Hey, oh my god. I'm going down to Starbucks and I maybe forgot my panties I like how like the fucking paparazzi gets this credit like like they have like this pentagon Ability, you know what I mean? Like they're tracking her on her cell phone. They're not they're a bunch of fucking I don't know what the fuck they are, but I'm not buying it. Oh, you know what isn't this convenient Here's a telephone call and that's just when I was going to end the podcast. All right. Well, thanks for listening And I will talk to you guys next week. Have a great week and uh, Merry christmas. All right. Goodbye Oh

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