Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-8-22

Episode Date: December 9, 2022

Bill rambles with Tom Papa about model trains, subway danger, and his new special 'What A Day'.   'What A Day' is available on Netflix December 13th. Thursday Afternoon Podcast:  (00:00 - 54:30) Thursday Throwback:  (54:57 - 01:53:37) 12-8-22. Bill rambles about soundcloud, virgins, and his new stand-up special. Anything Better NFL Preview:  ( SimpliSafe:  Get 40% off any new system at www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR Stamps.com:  Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, plus free postage, and a free digital scale at www.Stamps.com

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And if you're watching this, you know that I'm not a vain person, okay? I'm not the kind of person that films myself just to film myself, you know, like some other fucking politicians out there. You know that if I film myself, that means I have a guest and you know, I don't bring a guest on unless I respect them sort of, no, unless I respect them.

It's one of my old friends in comedy. He's got a new standup special called What A Day coming out December 13th on Netflix, the one, the only, the breadwinner and the breadmaker. Mr. Tom Papa. What's going on? Good to see you, Billy. Thanks for having me. No worries.

So you got to look at you. Yeah. Look at you. You went out and you filmed a goddamn special. Yeah, I did another one. Where'd you do this one at? In Boston. You did.

At the Wilba. At the Wilba. Yeah. Two shows at the Wilba. How was it? It was great. It was great. Oh, it's great to have you back, Tom.

It was good. It was really, I had the Wilba on my calendar and I was like, why don't we just shoot it there? Like, that's a better place. And then it all worked out. We just put another show. When did you shoot it? October 1st.

Of this year? Yeah. You put it out that fast? Yeah. Shot it. They liked it. Edited it. They said, can we get it on before the end of the year?

We said, yeah, we can do it. Well, I mean, it's not that much to do. It is. You know? Usually like one show more than the other. Yeah, and everybody else likes the other one. And then the other one's like a parts car. You know, you need to take a little muffler here, a little side mirror and you got yourself

a nice show. What are you going to do about an act, though? An act? Yeah. What do you mean, like when I go back on tour? Yeah. Just fake it. Fake it, right?

Hey, look at your shirt. That's pretty, hey. Hey, what do you do for a living? How long have you been married? Hey, how about you? Bring on the plate spinning? I've got like probably 20 that I'm happy with right now. There you go.

That means you have a good 30. You have high standards. Yeah. So it'll come in. I don't have to really go hard on the road until like end of January. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Well, that's great.

So I'll be in good shape. Yeah, my tour next two weekends and then I don't have anything. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I'm not doing anything. Three glorious months. Now I'll be back to the gripe, but I'm just going to take like a little summer vacation

in the winter. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. You need to. You need to. It's... And then you...

I don't know. I go back and forth. Like, I burn out. I don't want to... Like, right now I'm pretty burnt. You know? I've been going hard for a couple of years and I'm pretty spent. Cynthia, my wife, sent me a message the other day and said, did you move out on me and not

tell me? Oh, wow. Because I've just haven't been home. And so I'm a little burnt out, but then like I'm home for like two, three weeks and then you start getting like itching, not to travel, but just to do spots and I start to feel weird. I fill up to three weeks. It goes one way or the other. Uh-huh.

I don't think I'm ever going to do this again. I'm happier than I've ever been. I like this. I like just sit around doing nothing, putzing around the fucking house. It is nice. When you're home for a bit and then you're like, oh, I haven't gone through this stack of mail. Like, I haven't even had the time to like write all that little shit.

Like you... You know, there's an upside to a pandemic. I know. If there just wasn't the fear of what's going to happen to just, I mean, I think everybody, this whole fucking thing where they're like, you know, can I or anybody, you know, people don't want to work. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. They fucking had time to contemplate and they saw the way you were treating them.

If you were treating them right and you were paying them right, they'd come down and take your fucking job. You asshole. They always, the abusers always blame the people they're abusing. There's a reason why people are not coming back. And they're not coming back to like the hardest jobs, like the housekeepers, the food service people. Those people like...

Yeah, that grind. Yeah, that grind. Just that horrible grind. Why won't they just pay them? I know. That's my whole thing about all this whole fucking corporate mentality. He's like, how much fucking money do you need to make? This is the thing like, you know, as far as like polluting the ocean and all of that shit.

That's never going to get fixed. He's like, there's no money. There's no money in recycling. That's right. There's no money. And it's like, there's no money in thinking about kids' future. The planet will leave. I can't make any money on that.

What do I care? The only way to get it, because these corporations, you know, you're not going to be able to rebel against them at this point, especially with the cops up in San Francisco with that murder robot they just bought. How does San Francisco go from, we're not going to even tell people like you should get off the street and go live inside to, we're going to shoot you with robots? Yeah, I don't know. How is that a big...

All the leaves are brown. It's a big jump. Don't move. I don't know. Yeah, that's... On the ground. Yeah, on the ground. You must comply.

You must comply. I'm sitting there going like, what are they going to be taken away from us that they're preparing for, that they need to do all of this? I mean, is it really, is it because there's so many lunatics that go out and buy an AR-15, so then the cops are like, they're just playing like this. It's almost like the Cold War between fucking lunatics and cops. But in San Francisco, like they went from, we're not going to even police downtown, just come into Louis Vuitton and just take everything you want.

Or they gave like homeless people a stipend. Right. That was the best thing. They'd give them a stipend every month to get them off the street, and then they would rent a hotel room for a week and just do fucking drugs, and then the next week they'd be broke again, just walking around. Do you need some more money, pal? Yeah.

Like, I can see like a place like Newark or like some, you know what I mean, like Bed Stuy. Like someplace that's already there. Bed Stuy. I think Joe DeRosa lives in Bed Stuy now. You've got to go further out on the Long Island to need a murder robot. That's the 80s in me. You wait me, you know, like there's the gradual place of like, all right, we're close to robot.

Let's just go robot. But San Francisco, I don't understand how they're allowing it. I was in a hotel that had a robot and I was so fucking annoyed. What was it doing? It wouldn't fucking let me close the elevator door. I had no choice that it had to get on the elevator with me. It overrided me going like that. I'm already in a subservient position to this fucking thing.

I just wanted, I should have just tipped the fucking thing over. I really should have. Yeah, just knocked it down. Just pick it up. And why didn't I just throw it down the stairs? Was it's job to run? It was like housekeeping. I don't know what it was doing.

No. It was like the president was in town and everybody had to stop, hold the elevator. I was just in a fancy hotel in New York where they had the old school elevator attendant in the elevator, just standing there. And floor, sir, 34, thank you. It's late. It's midnight. Aren't you going home?

No, we're 24 hours. We're 24 hours. Wow. How many people are left in the elevator operator union? There's going to be like seven guys left, like one guy in Des Moines, one guy in New York. It's like there should be a robot doing that job. That should be a robot.

I stayed uptown for the first time in a long time. Normally I'm downtown because the seller's downtown going to New York. You're a downtown kind of guy. You're a creative guy. Yeah. I'm just, you know, put on my beret. I hang out downtown. Oh, Tommy Warhol.

Yeah. Just walking around Soho. Yeah. Checking out the Nike store. Smoking along the European cigarettes. And then I stayed uptown at like 61st and 5th right on the park. I was like, this is a whole different New York. This is a whole different place.

What is that like? What is New York like now? It's back, baby. It depends. It depends where you go. It's back, baby. Baby. It depends where you go.

It's back like what? Like what? Like the way it was when we were there? Well, no. No. It's not the golden age where you could ride the subway at two in the morning by yourself. No, not that. No, no.

I mean, when we got there. Oh, when we got closer to when we got there. Yeah. When Giuliani put that fucking truck down in Washington Square Park. And Thompson Square Park was just like a tent city. And just mowed it down and cleaned it up and took the squeegee guys off the cars right before like it's that like when we moved in, I don't know, when I moved in, like I couldn't park my car with stuff in it on the street and unload.

I had to have a friend stand guard at the car because he would steal it immediately. They would bash your window and steal it immediately. And it's kind of back to that. It's like all that old instinct we you could forget about for the next 10, 15 years, right? The subway is late at night and leave your car open with your stuff in it and there's no problem. It's back. It's back to what it was.

Like all those old. But let me know. Okay. So all those old rules are back. Yeah. What are the other crowds better than? Were the crowds better? Well, because, you know, they went there when when I did when I did I did a Pete's movie

in 2019, like I had one of the like that summer was fucking brutal because you're just doing sets in front of those those groaners. Yeah. I mean, it was just fucking else. Yeah. No, when I think about like when I always envisioned myself as an older comic, I envisioned myself being the corny old guy. I didn't think that I would be shocking people in their 20s when I was in my fifties.

Like they would be going, oh, whatever happened to Lawrence. Well, it's hilarious. I think it's just because they're under that whole like scrutiny of the fucking camera. Yeah. All the time. Right. You have to see people just video like I went out to a restaurant last night and there was this woman just videoing going in and I was just like trying to get like it's really

just fucking rude. Man, I went to. What are you doing? And then just like it was fucking hilarious like like I mean, she was making like a documentary. Yeah. I had a woman. I was at Elton John's last show at Dodger Stadium and the woman in front of me, she's like in her like fifties with her new boyfriend.

She could tell it was like two divorced people going to Elton John and the thing. And she was doing the same thing video. She was Elton John was secondary to her to her content. Yeah. And she one point turns like Elton John's behind her, right? I'm I'm you're me. Right. Right.

And she's here watching the show. And at one point she turns with her cell phone and it's right in my face so she could film herself with her boyfriend with Elton John in the back. She's literally Bill holding it. I'm not exaggerating. This is where the camera is. Right in my face. I'm like Elton John does.

She doesn't give a shit about Elton John. She definitely doesn't care about me. I know. People are just there in their own movies. Would you miss the front kick from a man to a woman at a concert and nothing happened? That could be good old days. I would have been perfect right between the fucking titties. Just to remind her that there's other people in the fucking world.

Yeah. Oh, it was brutal. When I think about going back to in those days when we were like at the comic strip and stuff, I was thinking about a red, red Johnny and the round guy. Oh, yeah. Or fat Johnny. Red. Red Johnny and the round guy.

Like that era, like when the comics were the most inappropriate and the crowd was into it, we all just knew it was just chaos and fun. Like when you think about those two, he's just destroyed. Oh, yeah. They love it. Just destroyed. And it was just an Italian. It was madness.

It was. I do miss those days. I don't know. I think if I was in my 20s, I would think it would be cool living in a city. But as you get older, you know what I mean? I didn't win fights when I was younger. I don't need to be like in a dangerous city in my 50s. No.

It's just like I am just going to, you know. I had an old-time moment on the subway. On the subway, it was raining and it was 10.30 and I was going from the cellar down to Soho and I'm like, I'll just take the train. It's hard to get cabs. I just went down just as the train was leaving on the West 4th. So the only people on. Charles Bronson down there.

It was like, I should have been playing Charles Bronson, but it was me. So more like Bernard Getz. Yeah, right. Exactly. Fumbling with his pockets. Here, have another. Adjusting his glasses. And it was like five kids, like 18, 19, 20, just fucking shit up, like kicking over,

like garbage cans and like throwing shit. They just wanted to, they were just like kind of raging and wanted to mess stuff up. And I'm the only, and I'm like, oh my. And I just kind of like. Hey, hey, now pick up that barrel. We don't do that around here. And I went literally like behind the pole, you know, and just kind of hung out and the next train came.

I got on immediately. It was the wrong train. Took me to the wrong place. It was the right train. It was the right train. It was the right train. It's the right train. Get the fuck out of there.

That's 1030. That's 1030 at night on like a Thursday, a Wednesday. And I was like, yeah, this isn't, I'm not going to win these fights down here. It's like, don't take the train. What are you fighting for? My life. The trash can? Yeah.

No, my life. I mean, they were, if they got, if they saw me, they probably would have, you know, let's fuck with this guy too. You know what I mean? Like. It was. It was nice. It was nice while it lasted.

It was. And if you were white, it was a nice time. It was an illusion. It was. It was an illusion. It was. It was. That's, they kind of whitewashed the whole fucking island and they just turned it into

a bunch of like glass towers. But I always remember like all like Marin and people being like, I miss 42nd Street the way it was. And everyone would talk about it the way it was. That's all we do is romanticize how the fuck it used to be. And then it comes back and you're like, I don't think so. Maybe it wasn't that fucking cool. Yeah, right exactly.

I never liked when 42nd Street was the way it was. I fucking hated that place. That place was just, it was just jizz on everything. It was fucking gross. I still walk through there just going like, this gotta be jizz left. They just has to, there's no way you could scrub 30 years of people rubbing one out down there. There was a lot of awful things.

Awful. Awful. About it. So anyway, you're not going to be going out on this tour. I always feel like I got to have the whole new thing. Even if it's shit, I feel like it's got to be an hour of me just saying new things. Yeah. Just like different things.

You don't have like the guilt of this is one time they're going to see me in two years and I have to give them a great show. Well my thing is if they come out and see me and I'm still doing shit from what they already saw that they're going to be like rip off, saw it on Netflix. What the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. I know.

What's your opinion on people that jog in the street? With jeans on or with workout clothes? Jog in the street when there's a perfectly fine sidewalk. Sidewalk. You know, but they want the smooth pavement and they jog, so you already got the fucking bike riders out there. Yeah. The Tour de France thing.

Yeah. Now you got these cunts running down like a third of the way out and I got to like fucking like. Yeah. Either stop because there's a car coming like why won't they run on the fucking sidewalk? I don't understand it either and I don't understand like if you are going to be running like that, why aren't you head to toe in reflectors and lights? Like as someone who's got Mr. McGoo.

Oh I don't care if they die. I want them to die. Yeah, but not while I'm driving. I'm like Mr. McGoo already with my vision is so Mr. McGoo. No they got all of that. I'm going to run somebody over. Fucking shit have dunked down the LA River. They got a whole fucking trail.

I know. You can run down there. You know what's down there? The crazy homeless people. You go down there, you become a food source. You get drowned in two inches of water. It's simply safe everybody. Simply safe.

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free postage and a free digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps dot com. Click the microphone at the top of the homepage and enter burr B U R R. It really is fucking nuts. What was what the fuck was the last 20 years in this country where everything just became shiny and new. And then it was just like a fucking pandemic.

We come out the other side and every city is becoming like fucking escape from New York. And now but it's global. It's not just here. It's global. It's everywhere you go is just and look how the government's stepping in helping people out. Look how they can just step right up to the plate.

It isn't you just you really you really are on your own. You are on your own. I will say during the pandemic I understand people had horde guns and food and they had like the place where they were going to go underground. How is your prepping. Do you do. Are you prepped for what for the end for the end times like do you have a couple cases of water or anything.

No I'm just going to kill myself. I'm going to take a few people out with me right. Take a few people out. You know I got a couple of hockey sticks I can do some damage and then I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to watch ESPN right until it goes off the fucking air. Well I guess I didn't prepare. That's it.

I go I give up the ranch all yours guys you want to eat squirrel meat and whatever human you can find. You want to live. Good luck. You want to rebuild this. Yeah. I don't got it in me. Long live the 90s.

I'm more 80s. I didn't like the 90s to me. I wasn't into the 90s the way a lot of people were well 90s but you were you were becoming a great comedian in the 90s. That was like now now now I was becoming a comedian who was learning how to handle being able to do a 20 minute set. Yeah. But I mean I mean you weren't great.

Sweating. You were you were like I thought that was your time of like starting when did you start you started. I started in March of 92 92 yeah I was a year before Pete Davidson was born yeah I was 93 so the 90s we were too busy working. You know what I mean the 80s you were digging around and being like a fun kid and I remember the 90s walking down the street to go do spots at the store and I would see everybody on the Upper East Side on dates out in these restaurants just thinking like God I would

love to do that. I wish I was doing that right. Yeah. But thank God I didn't. Yeah no kidding. Because I'd be divorced and miserable. I'd be one of those people. Yeah.

My kids would be in their 20s hating me. Yeah. You know I know. Yeah. Because everybody that I looked at. Yeah. None of it. None of it worked out.

None of those people's lives. Not one. That's how it works for me. Not one. I did the right thing. Self to do my dick jokes. It's true. I agree with it.

Like I walk through Soho all the time like from the hotel to the cellar and I still do have those little pangs like you see people it looks fabulous. The lights are nice. People are ordering stuff. It is fabulous. If it was somebody you love. Yeah. Going out to dinner.

There's nothing better. That's better than going out to a fucking. Yeah. Club. It is. Did you ever go to a club? We both had a giant void that we were trying to fill with this empty business at this point like look at me I got my old man's sweater on.

Yeah. I am so steering in to get an older I fucking I can't wait. You know what I got glasses. My glasses. I'm gonna fucking out old you. No way. I'm gonna. Look at it.

No. No. You're classic. You're like a classic. Like you just need a pipe right now. I got 1956. America's dad. Tom Papa.

I mean I was excited to come here and spend some time with you and this is fun at all. But the really the thing that's really excited me is that on the way back home I can pass the train shop in Burbank. Is there a train shop? Yeah. He's in the model train. And it's it's and yeah Christmas I set up the whole village and stuff and it's insane like it looks like the beginning of a movie.

Like if you if you drone shot that you wouldn't you wouldn't know that it wasn't a real city and a train. Yeah. And you were there in the very beginning when we first moved out here and had the first like house in the first you were you saw the beginnings of the village. Yeah. I thought that was really cool. It was just like we had one house and like a train going around and yeah it was like

my dad collects trains like the like the ones from like 70 years. Those real heavy ones. Yeah. All metal. Yeah. And then you get a piece of home and all of that type of stuff and you'll drive two states away. Really?

Santa Fe fucking something or other. That's amazing. Yeah. Billy Gardell gave me a train because it was he's really into trains like he doesn't do it just for the holidays he just does it all the time like he has he looks like he drives a train. Yeah. I could totally see him in that thing with the lantern and the Junction Junction hanging

up the side. I buy that the best. And he gave me trains just because it was the route in New Jersey that I would be familiar with where I grew up. He's into it like that. Like he knows like the lines and yeah all of it. So I can I can stop at the train and I really think for like skipping all of the like fancy dinners and stuff and going into this weird way to be able to like I was just on a random

afternoon when other people are working as grownups I could be in a train shop looking for extra track and hey how about how much is that stoplight you can be you can be that weirdo that goes into a train shop on a fucking Tuesday afternoon. It's the best. It's the best. You do. When you walk in dressed how you are they're like do we got a live one we're making a rent now.

This is a man with time on his hands and some have you seen the new snow cover trees do town. It's awesome. If anybody young watches I'm telling you getting old is fucking incredible. It's fucking incredible. Like the amount of shit you not only do you not give a fuck about anymore you don't even have to. There's a few people in their 20s like if you see like old souls in the 20s that some

of my favorite people ever they already get it. Yeah. Right. Exactly. I was never that into like doing the stuff. You know you weren't a club guy. You weren't the guy that went out and go fucking hit the VIP things bottle service. I can honestly say without any exaggeration have never been in a club.

I think that's a good thing because that is an unbelievable fall from grace when you get to be our age. Right. If you were actually the guy that went into those clubs like John Travolta clearing the dance floor and banging the hottest ass in the city to then just be in your 50s with the dad bod. I mean that's like astronauts when they come back to earth and they just start crying at a stoplight.

You just like get that altitude if you meet me it's just been kind of like you know orange hair it fell out and then I got an old sweater on just you know I kind of rolled off a curb yeah like oh this is nice being 54. Since I was in college I've been going to the same bars like they look like it should have been closed 10 years ago there's one Irish guy at the end an old jukebox like those shitty but like bad belts. I actually sort of low key look at some of those guys the guys that used to fucking do their sets and then stand out in front of the cellar literally looking like bears when

salmon was swimming upstream waiting for girls trying to grab chicks as they came up the fucking stairs yeah and I always look at them just wondering now that there's and you see there's another young they don't really do that anymore they do they not as much they're not they're not as I mean there are but it's not to the level of like it's just like J. Edgar Hoover now there's this this this written text this fucking pictures this video yeah NDA's yeah there's a whole thing now so I don't know I don't know how they go up that's fascinating to me like I feel like yeah well I feel like pussyhounds now have to be almost like Tom Cruz level in like Mission Impossible as far as like how do you navigate yeah but you know

it's how do you navigate the kind of woman that actually would bang a comedian after seeing a show well that's what that's not a fucking stable personality but it's almost like it's almost like the Middle East where they where they play by these rules in public where it's really strict and you can't do anything and then they go to like the hotels the safe zones and they go completely nuts and they can do whatever they want and drink and drug and stuff and then they go back into it it's like everyone's playing by these rules of it being really wait that happens in the Middle East yeah yeah yeah like if you go when I was in Dubai I know I was gonna say you're doing gigs in Dubai yeah I did Dubai in Lebanon

and they they have like you can't even hold hands with a girl on the street in Dubai and you can't drink and you go into the hotel if you go to the hotel where they're accepting people from around the world you can go down and all these young people are doing everything like going nuts and it's the same thing when they leave if they're stumbling out and they're on something they don't they skin them alive just don't hold hands just don't hold hands just go home yeah but here it's like there's like that's this real strict puritanical thing and like we and everybody's like fighting each other and whatever but do you think people are on Tinder then people are like people are on Tinder just going and still meeting up

and just having random sex you know what I mean like there's two realities that they're playing in like I have a couple of opening acts and the whole time they're just back on on Tinder and just random sex that's what they do yeah you don't need to stand no I'm an idiot no I'm literally think about getting women like the way we used to like hand out a business card go to my website live and in person and talk to them dude they're like Michael Douglas in that movie don't dance like it's like you're casting a Broadway show for your dick that's amazing yeah and then they just they have it all lined up they have it all lined up fucking God bless you young people that's how you use the technology yeah I don't

think I would have been good with that oh come on Tom right yeah no you get you know I always been long-term long-term this is a safe vibe that you put out that some women I think are looking for a safe vibe like they yeah they just are you watching white lotus you watch white lotus yes I am you know that that is like the show if you're married to watch with your wife yeah do you watch the like that would like that kid like the young kid from Stanford like being too nice oh yeah yeah yeah you know what I mean I think he's gonna kill somebody I think he's gonna you think he's gonna be the one who snaps I think he's gonna fucking snap right I think he's got a lot of fucking rage and he just sort

of sits there and he just keeps allowing himself to get trampled on and I just think or that leading me down that road deliberately mm-hmm cuz he's like just so he's too nice he's teetering that there's a thing like god save one of these shows I was watching oh I know that drum that drum movie where the guy was screaming and I'm the whole movie you know I wrote with that kid for eight minutes and then after a while I'm just like just quit the fucking band yeah get out of it how many groupies he had playing in some 40 piece jazz orchestra go join a fucking cover band fuck this guy not my tempo fuck you're gonna go play some about this Glenn Miller shit his approval 20 minutes into that movie I'm like leave now

leave tell me go fuck himself and then I yeah and then I didn't like in the end he finally does say go fuck yourself right spoiler alert by playing really well and then the teacher kind of smirks like yeah that's why I was pushing you and I'm like you abusive cunt let him have his this victory yeah so yeah so anyway are you well you were saying I just had a flashback to Manny Dorman you did yeah cuz I made him hopping mad one time oh yeah he was literally going fuck you you fucking he was coming up this guy was like he was almost like 70 what did you do was it about Israel no it was about Manny Dorman the owner of the comedy cell yeah the originator oh them cock blocking the other clubs yeah that they give

you good didn't work if you were like I had one spot at nine o'clock maybe like can you do for me the 923 I'm not gonna make it you can make it and then next we would test your one spot at like 1205 can you do the 1140 I gotta be up to you can make it they would test your life yeah so I started talking to the comics like yeah yeah yeah it happens to me all the time whatever yeah so then like an idiot I brought it up to him to Manny yeah with my big conspiracy theory oh no I'm like everybody knows you're doing it you study I don't know what happened it just escalated and then he was just going fuck you you fucking mother screaming like I was actually I was actually nervous like oh my god this guy's gonna die

and then but it was classic Manny though yeah I came down like three days later and I was standing and I was doing the Irish thing I'm not gonna talk to you he just kind of looked at me just goes he's gonna laugh about and I laughed the best and I was like all right all right I saw him rip apart someone it was a dinner someone it was an Israeli Palestinian debate oh that was the easiest way to get him going and this is what did you guys kind of do to the Palestinians what was done fuck you you would go like man I'm fucking with you he wanted to fight so badly about it and we didn't he used to give you books right he would give you books and I still have the books yeah he would want you to read about the issue just so that he could yell at you yes

learn about this so I can yell at you because he had no one to debate with I know we were all there just talking about nonsense we had no idea what was going on that guy was the fucking best and what I loved about him was he loved to argue he loved to debate and the books he got me were amazing and we got a big debate one time I was talking about Columbus saying he discovered a country where there was already people there and he actually argued the other side he goes well you could you could come to New York and you could come down stumble to this club and tell your friends at home I discovered the comedy seller and I would be like all right man but what if I started taking credit for the comedy seller and all that yeah we had this big long debate didn't end up with him

because I read I read a people's history of the United States probably because I watched no no I actually read it before my brother told me about that book and then I saw it mentioned in Goodwill Hunting all right when he rips them apart yeah when they had like the other side of whatever the other side's version yeah of like what happened which are always those are my favorite books to read yeah the really you like people having a contrarian view on things no I just like because I feel like then you're kind of able to be like all right yeah no there you know and try to figure out kind of like what happened I mean I only read one book this year just one while you've been busy well I mean it's like a real book I mean I read a couple of

comedians books you know but like those are like easy reads because I like the people and stuff and it's fun and I relate to it yeah but actually getting like oh let me read a book about stand-up comedy right I can get through it like no problem if I could read like smart books like that yeah what about on tape what about and you put them on in your car I feel like that's cheating I know but I think I think that's an old guy thing I think you know Gary Goldman signed off on it a real man puts on glasses yeah and he's a big reader puts on a fire and he sits down and he reads I know but uh yeah you're still getting it you're still getting the information just saying while you're driving around because you're busy but when you're in your car you listen

in a nonsense listen to books I just feel like I'm a child like somebody's reading me like a bedtime story once upon a time I just know I'm gonna there was a group of people here before Columbus and you keep rebinding it what do you say what do you say is that what you do yeah I don't do it I'm just saying this is a theory I I'm like you I feel like you should read it I feel like it is I feel like I get more it's it's like I'm listening to a movie rather than the experience no and I worry about my brain turning a mush you know so I figure you know you got to like kind of like put the work in uh-huh as opposed to embracing new technology that makes it easier yeah and plus I've only read one book this year it was a good book though it was it yeah it was called

Wilmington's lie the insurrection of 1892 and the rise of white supremacy made everything so much shit make sense about how the fuck we got to this point where two people can't talk without screaming and yelling at each other and uh and all all all of that stuff right to the insurrection the whole fucking thing right it's like oh oh really yeah then it all makes sense as opposed to like what is going on this is out of nowhere yes right it's like no this is just incrementally been moving in this direction yeah granted I only read one book and I didn't read any counterpoint so I'm like this is the one that makes this now I'm gonna formulate all my opinions off of this yeah um yeah other than that I've just I'm just being a dad I don't have fucking time to

do any of that other other shit yeah it's a lot it's a lot to have have this time to just you're almost an empty nester at this point I know I know I'm kind of gonna ratchet up the boozing what are you gonna do I don't know I was thinking of spending more time in New York like going and like spending maybe three months there rather than just bopping in and out and and I was like you know we're gonna be free and my kids might both be on the east coast going to school it's like that's fucking we can do whatever we want why don't we just go get an airbnb and go back to living in New York where we came from for like three months um but what we didn't think about was that the dogs will still be alive and uh just when I get out yeah we've got these two

dogs and a cat who all need care and dump them off at a shelter that's what I'm well yeah I have a lot of solutions I used to do it I have a lot of solutions my wife is not into any of them so it might the the animals might screw up the plan what's gonna kill you is the cat the cat dude having a cat's like having a kid that never moves out I mean those fucking things are around for like 30 years they go forever I know yeah we have a pug and we have a black lab and uh they're all healthy and young so we're kind of I don't know what's gonna have to do even though I never seen the movie I've just earned the reference enough you gotta do a hunger games with the animals that's why you gotta go with fish whoever lives gets to come to New York yeah fish would be good

why can't you just bring the the pets with you yeah maybe because then you got to get a stinky airbnb that someone else had their cat and dogs in exactly and now you have this black lab that even in our house you know with a yard it feels claustrophobic now I'm going to bring it to some apartment menagerie children children they all want pets and they want pets and you kept wanting pets and I'm like I don't want pets you got two kids you got two kids you got three animals two kids three animals yeah and uh they just kept wanting animals and they keep bringing them in my kids want a dog and I'm all for my wife's like no it's it's brutal they become instantly the most important part of the house who the animal the dog the dog has to be walked the dog has to

the wakes up the dog everything all of the energy goes to the animal it's amazing they're the the dumbest one in the house and they get all the attention and you have to bend your whole schedule for the animals we had a friend my friend Aaron the greatest argument to not get a pet don't do it don't do it I'm telling you don't do it don't end up like me man don't do it I guarantee you that you will not think that the love you get from this animal is equal to is worth the work no way so you resent your dogs yes I'm plotting to you'd like the cat because it's more independent yeah I do I hate cats no I like them but I don't want them in my house why I've talked about this I don't like how if you turn around you catch them practicing killing you I don't like how they

stalk you they do but they never really make the effort they never they'll never do it there was a chick in my neighborhood that I went to fucking school with she told me she's like you remember old lady so-and-so she died you know when she was alone she died in her house the cat fucking ate her face well well it waited the dog would have just sat there and started to drink out of the toilet and that would have been it I don't have animals you've got you've got you've got you can go visit animals you can bring them to petting zoos you can go to the farmers market and have them pet the goats don't bring them into your house if I was gonna get it in a perfect world I would get a goat a goat I love goats they should they shit non-stop yeah but they stare outside

and they get sideways and you know what I like and you know what I like about them I like that they like to rough house it's a great way to get energy out like you fucking push them and like fucking come back at you man yeah I like those things they're actually enjoy it grabbing onto the horns you fucking you see them they they get like oh you want to my sister has they just stink my sister's eyes go to they stink and they're weirdos they got sideways eyes and you'll just they don't have sideways eyes they have eyes on the side of their head no they don't their pupils go sideways oh that black part it goes like yeah they're weird and you just walk up on them and they're all of a sudden standing on top of their house for no reason

I don't I like I'm a weirdo yeah I uh yeah I don't know if you have if you're if you have a homestead and you can let them out and they can run for a quarter mile or if you want to get a tax break like somebody I know they went out they just got chickens and goats and shit so they could be classified as a farm and they would have to pay as high property tax yeah my sister has chickens it's pretty good you get all those fresh eggs I think chickens are great yeah chickens are great and there's something about them that you know yeah I just but then you know then you start attracting all these predators that you didn't even know exist like stoats and shit like what the fuck is that thing they you see those things like those minks no stoats and

these fucking yeah they jump on the they jump on the I don't know I don't even know if I'm saying it right all right it's sort of like an ugly minks and it fucking jumps on the back of a rabbit and just starts biting down oh and the rabbit's going like yeah it's fucking horrible yeah it's fucking horrible dude there there is no god you watch those animal videos there's just no god there's nothing just what the fuck do you ever watch the praying mantis videos he created these fucking things that can't even defend themselves yeah and their whole job is just to be eaten and then these monsters just come out do you ever see a praying mantis videos oh my god there's praying mantis videos a fucking broom oh my god it's just not necessary it's really that's why

if I if I had to choose any death any death without a doubt it's a cat big cat just come up they just no they just grab you you go oh they fucking grab you and then you're fucking out and then they just sit there until your heart starts beating and then they eat you as opposed to a bear that's it's fucking just ripping you apart as you're alive do you ever see a tarantula eat yeah those there's a pet store near here and we went into right next to the tree shop it is it's got a lot of free time it is right by the cobbler and they had a tarantula mounting a mouse and it had stunned the mouse and then just like lowers this like this two alien and just starts sucking out the insides of the of the mouse yeah oh just on just in a

imagine walking in and seeing that in a case and be like how much for him through this like pbm oh my god yeah I do the worst one ever is the uh is that what's that fucking giant lizard the monitor no no no Komodo dragon yeah I have nightmares thinking about that thing what the fuck what does that do to you oh those fucking things those fucking things you want to talk about just eating somebody alive don't ever watch a Komodo dragon ever really they first of all this saliva is just so fucking toxic they bite you then they just back off knowing you're gonna die within the next 24 hours and then just sit there like slowly following you around and then when you can't stand up anymore of course you're not dead that's not the way he wanted it

you gotta just sit there and then the thing just comes in usually goes for your belly and just starts eating your guts so you could watch it you're going like ah you're like watching your colon flapping out of the fucking things mouth I mean dude it is just like oh my god there is no um god there is no god if you watch nature like you're supposed to like you know get close to nature you sense god I don't I don't absentee parent is the best I'll give that guy like why would you create this oh it's awful don't get pats for your kids don't do it you have enough burden you there's no way you will you will never even be able to listen to a book on tape like there's no books in your future if you have an animal in addition to what you already have in your house I think

you've been a little hard on dogs there no you got two of them I know and a cat you fucked up dude when I you like one of those guys in Utah that marries three women it's true what are you doing yeah this wasn't my design there's nothing I had no participation in this at all none you couldn't put your foot down no put some bass in your voice no take your glasses off no throw your fucking yeast across the kitchen tell him I'm not giving him any more bread no there was no and look the proud this is the weakness and you're gonna you're gonna be you were going to be challenged over the next 15 years it's like the old seeing the joy in their eyes and your little kids just like can we please and knowing if you say yes the the joy you're

going to create in these little people when you say they're gonna love that dog for so much for 20 minutes exactly it's gonna last as long as the you saying yes and then it's gonna be your problem but you can make them so happy and I gave in and I was like oh it's gonna make her happy and it does make them happy how long it makes them so happy uh we've had one for about five years and one for about three we got a pug during the pandemic and it uh hugs go for like what 12 13 years yeah yeah we uh our neighbors sleep apnea though so you know I know but it's our neighbor just had one die and it was like 15 and she was like oh they're so cute but prop but pugs right my wife's like what do you mean with their their breed they like to sleep a lot she's like no the medical

bills for the last eight years so many problems they've got so many problems I was like I wasn't even thinking about that I was just pissed that I got to put diapers on it because I can ease in house your problem please do that's why I'm here two letters in one word la river that's where he came from they found him on the la river because he's somebody else so he was peeing on someone else's furniture I'm not dealing with this it's like the what about bob pet and you just fucking picked it up he did no I uh no I mean the joy they are all in love they all like it they all have a great time with it but what all right let's go to New York let's go to New York for three months that'll be great let's go the girls are gone let's go who's gonna take care of

frank and bella all right well I guess we'll just sit here then and watch frank and bella yeah that's what's waiting for me is your wife all right with that I don't know she loves them oh she does love them she loves them in a deep she loves them no joke more than me like she loves them more than she loves me do you think because she gets to do that motherly thing because they need them yes maybe if you were a little more open and vulnerable oh yeah 100% shit on the carpet every once in a while she'd love you if I cried once in a while and acted like I needed help yeah it would definitely work your wife doesn't want to see you cry you're allowed to cry to funeral that's about it

I don't know I cried I cried when my daughter was going way to college it was like two days before we were taking her that's fair and I was in bed and it just washed over me that this was over this part was done this little our whole life was built just for her for both of them and now she's gone and she's not when she's not coming back and it just washed over me I started crying in bed I was just like my wife I never saw my wife so happy I never saw her so happy he is human she was overjoyed there was something about watching me crumble that really made her and then because then when it was over she kept like poking me over the next month like can you believe she's gone and just look at me waiting for it to happen again like why is that the one of the only

emotions that's like valid yeah right like you could be jovial happy go lucky blah blah blah or just so it can deal with it they do you know what because that's the one because you know what there's a shame as a man yeah there is crying yeah yeah you're weak you're broken and I know one time I really really cried in front of my wife was a friend of mine got murdered and uh and then I remember that yeah like they actually like wow man they they fucking you do feel feelings I know the problem is because all these years yeah I was watching all this shit on TV and um uh she would be crying and I would be laughing I just talked about this on Conan but I would just be laughing and she would get uh she would laugh too like why are you laughing

this is I don't know it's just funny watching her cry no just watching the the people crying it was you know yeah yeah I you know watch the Conan part all right the weird part too like as there's a lot more reasons to cry I'm on the edge of crying all the time since I've had children I think a lot of men are on the edge of crying but you're a lot of their life and we just push it down and you push it down and unless you're in the car and you're not at a stoplight right and you can squeeze a few tears out the problem is like if you because we hold it in so much if you do let it out like my wife oh my wife could cry for like three minutes and be like right back to herself for me to break down it's going to be a mess yeah no it's just like

pouring just sweat and tears and crying and babbling and it's going to come out like a tsunami so and I always just picture your wife just being like right exactly hey exactly I know what I wanted by the way I'm getting oh I um I think I'm all right now I think I had bronchitis or something I don't know what I had and you know I'm not even sitting across me for the better part of 40 yeah now you tell me but the other part of it is you know what you don't want to see your dad crying you don't want to be like no you can't you don't see dad you can never cry in front of your kids no you don't want to see your dad at the end of the bed like holding his head and his hands just no letting it out you can't no can't do that because

there there's sense of security yes is out the window like they they look at you like yeah iron man right that you have to keep up that fable until you're fucking walking around with your walker and then you give me like it was all alive I've been scared since before you were born there is no god it's true um where are we in time do we got to wrap this up where are we because I'm seeing people walking around out there like they're waiting to get in here okay we are where are we we are at the end we went from talking about specials yeah to uh how to get rid of your pets yeah to crying as a man yeah is this some of the topics we can expect from what a day kind of on Netflix December 13th bringing it back around it pretty much is

what a day I named it because what a day because I always say that in the morning in front of my kids I'm like what a day what a day that's how I start the day off and I like that at the end of like around five it's like what a day that's hilarious yeah it's not in the act anywhere I don't have jokes about it but it's just my I just like it's like an inside joke for you I love shit like that yeah in the morning it's what a day and by the end is oh what a day that's beautiful five o'clock yeah that was beautiful that was just fucking beautiful it was good seeing you I was smoking cigar with my father and I sent you that picture and I was like I miss hanging out with Billy and smoking cigars well oh Billy uh doesn't smoke as much as he used to be well if you can fit

it in we should do it more than just the podcast um no absolutely I could um maybe bring your kids over and look at the trains they'd like that my son will probably rip him up but I'll hold him at I'll hold him at bay all right the great Tom Papa always great to see you brother thanks ma'am look for his new special what a day what a day what a day on netflix december 13th thank you guys for watching and you come to me on a summer breeze keep me warm in your love and you softly leave and it's me you need to show how deep is your love is hey what's going on it's bill burns the monday morning podcast for monday december 8th 2014 what's going on everybody how are you um um oh jesus christ all freckles all freckles has been fucking smoking too many cigars and the

fucking booze I don't want I'm doing I don't want I'm doing you know what it is I'm ready for my fucking year to be over I'm ready to be on vacation I'm burned out I am burned out from uh all the crap I've been doing I don't work this hard I'm a comedian I sit around on a couch all day I take up the ukulele just killing a day waiting for my show at eight o'clock at night that's what I was supposed to be doing but uh you know I got a couple things going on I had to promote my special everybody for those of you uh who didn't hear I have my new stand-up special just came out uh friday it's on netflix exclusively it's exclusively on netflix it's called i'm sorry you feel that way and um got to admit people really seem to be liking it thank christ um

I want to thank uh everybody you know netflix new wave j carus for uh directing it um giving me the special the look the one that I wanted um and people seem to like it so that's all good it's all fucking good um as far as you were wondering well when can I uh when can I see can I buy it um netflix has it for a year one year from now when anybody who wanted to see it already has seen it then i'm allowed to sell it on dvd blu ray or whatever the fuck i want to do uh you know you know the deal so uh that's one and that's when i'll have it available that's just the deal that's just how it is you know considering uh the current climate on the internet this is the way you have to do the deals because uh you know people fucking steal them so somebody's

willing to put the money up for the special what the fuck you're gonna do plus netflix works great for me because I like to try to travel as far as I can internationally speaking and uh you know netflix seems to be getting more international as we go along so it's been it's really about a nice marriage between the two of us but seriously I got a ton of great feedback um on my special and uh I feel it's my best work you know and now that I've said that you guys can be cunts and be well actually I saw you in premium blend and I felt uh the material combined with your fucking velour shirt was much better um the fuck did I wear on that I think I had on it I think it was a crush velvet fucking green button up shirt or something like that in black pants I can't remember it was

one of those ones where it became dated I think before the end of my set um but uh you know if you once in a while you take a chance and it doesn't work out I basically look like uh I mean Robin Hood's like if Robin Hood had an agent like that's how you would dress whatever nobody gave me shit that night so everyone who watched was also guilty all right let's plow ahead here so anyway so I have to take my fucking laptop over to this place here in my uh my part of Los Angeles and I take it over there and the guy figures out what I need is uh I needed a new hard drive so he puts the new fucking hard drive in so this morning I go to you know download all the information I get all your questions and whatnot and then make my list of subjects that I might talk about I might not talk

about so I go to open up this fucking is it program app I don't know what the fuck you call it it's one of the things where you can actually write you know you can type some shit on and save it later and like a document and I open the fucking thing up and immediately it's just steering me towards this soundcloud shit yeah we can save it then you can have it on all your devices you know have you ever thought about how fucking dumb you are if you're using soundcloud I'm not even talking about as convenience the fact that you're just giving access to your goddamn life to to god knows who you know what and then you're gonna sit around and I can't believe somebody stole my identity

on that picture of my dick end up on the fucking internet it's like what are you doing don't give people access to your photos and your files and all of that shit because of some fucking little kid mentality well what if I lose them what do you got a fucking balloon tied around your wrist that's what you got the backup hard drive for put them on there and once a week just fucking send a few over there and then if something catastrophic happens to your laptop you still have 98% of your shit you're gonna survive so having said that does because anybody know how to disable that fucking goddamn cloud fucking weirdo man fucking creep that's just like some nerd like if you looked over and there's just some nerds standing in your window with his black

framed glasses trying to look at all your pictures trying to see what the fuck you're writing about trying to see what websites you're on the whole thing is fucking creepy you know it's really creeping me out is somebody recently is trying to suggest that the camera that's on your fucking laptop is on all the time and potentially somebody could be watching you or it's recording you or whatever um what the fuck are they gonna save all of that you know what I mean although it does kind of freak me out I just I just had a bad week with the technology everybody I I am so fucking anti all of this shit and I know is I just feel like as convenient as it makes your life yes the the amount of fucking money it cost and shit crashing and then you got to upload it and

then try to figure out how to use the new shit and then then just just more and more trying to figure out just spy on you they're fucking spying on you for whatever reason to try to sell you more toothpaste or to just make sure they got enough dirt on anybody who ever decides to run for political office for the rest of fucking time do you realize right now that the next president right not the next president well some president in the future say some president in 2040 or whatever right now he's probably getting videotaped jerking off to something right and they're gonna have all of that fucking information all the fucking creepy shit you did all your weird little thoughts all your insecurities all every fucking thing they need to know about you to keep you in line

I know everybody thinks this is like paranoid thought I know it's not this word Jay Edgar you know how much Jay Edgar Hoover would fucking love the cloud that fucking weirdo he used to sit there going around Washington trying to just have dirt on everybody so he could walk up and talk to you and just know shit about you who you were fucking what you were doing if you were secretly gay or anything and he probably sat there talking to you right the weird look on his face and you'd be like this guy's just giving me the creeps why is he why is this guy giving me the fucking creeps it's because he knows about your life and he's so excited about it he's probably fuck his fucking dick is probably at half masters he's talking to you

you know Jay Edgar Hoover you know and then they try to say that that guy who actually was used to walk around in a dress all day you know I don't understand that I don't understand why you would want to walk around in a fucking dress as a man or a woman not really the dress I can understand the dress that's like having a bathrobe that doesn't open right wear one of those fucking things you know having on a smock I just don't get the shoes why the fuck would you want to wear I mean they look good they look good when the ladies prance around and but what the fuck would you why anybody

in their right fucking mind would want to walk around in your tippy toes the whole goddamn day fucking up your back is beyond me and you would think that if you're a dude you're like oh good I don't have to wear that shit to go out of your way to actually wear it you know why would you do that to yourself you know I I'm gonna go and dress up like a woman but wear some flats Jay Edgar you know you're gonna fucking slip a disc you're not you're not exactly in shape anyways this is the Monday morning podcast I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life I'm so fucking busy I got one more acting gig here we're shooting the FXX pilot this week I'm doing it this week with the always sunny guys and I wrap next week on Wednesday

all right I wrap next week Wednesday when I wrap next Wednesday actually Tuesday night so Wednesdays can be my first just back to being a comedian again all right back to my fucking playing drums back to my uh whatever the fuck it else I used to do go on hikes with my dog I cannot fucking wait and I got two three weeks where I'm just gonna chill out and by chill out I mean probably do stand up 80% of the nights because I gotta come up with a new act because I got my big my big tours coming up of Australia New Zealand and parts of Asia parts of Asia Singapore Hong Kong Saigon did not work out we're gonna have to do that on the next one but um and then I'm going to some fucking place in India I don't know what it is I think it used

it's the place that used to be called Bombay let me look it up I think it's there I shouldn't be saying that shit let's see Bombay India let's see what it says here yeah Mumbai I think that's where I'm going Jesus Christ look at these fucking pictures feast of famine um yeah so I'm going to be doing that I'm actually a little creeped out to be flying around Asia and that type of shit just because I don't read up on fucking aviation and that type of thing just I'm just hoping I have the whatever plane I'm on the co-pilot when he sees we're running out of gas doesn't give a fuck about embarrassing the captain and says hey dude I'm not trying to be a dick here I'm not trying to get out of out of line but uh we're gonna be on the ground at 10 minutes unless you fucking pull over

at a station we're running out of gas over here look I'm not even looking at you I'm not even looking at you captain not trying to disrespect your authority or suggest that you're fucking up right now but you're kind of fucking up right now all right I'm nervous about that other than that that and getting caned in Singapore I've been told that you can just kind of do whatever you want on stage it just doesn't make sense to me that if I'm in a fucking country that you can get arrested for spitting gum on the sidewalk that I can actually go on stage and talk the way that I want to talk I don't know about that oh Billy butt cheeks is gonna find out though no I'm really looking forward to it um it always uh you know it's always cool I'm hoping to actually

be able to hang out with the locals drink a couple of beers shoot the shit hear what the fuck they have to say meet some comics abroad yada yada yada see what the fuck goes on over there that's gonna start up uh I don't even know why don't I go to my own website and figure it out for you I actually did yesterday I did four hours of phoneers right in the middle of the football so I missed a ton of football but I have to promote these uh I gotta promote these shows and uh call some places in New Zealand and Australia dude Australians are fucking hilarious I'm calling them up and almost every reporter was going um so you're touring all of Australia uh yeah and I'm like yeah pretty much going across sitting just about every uh every major city except that one city that begins with an

with an A that I'm getting a bunch of shit for for not going to Adelaide or whatever the hell it's called um it just didn't work out but anyways they all had the exact same question they were just going like yeah I see you know you you're touring over here uh why he's kept asking me why and I was like I don't know kind of seem like why why not like why wouldn't I and they I don't know they're like have you read up on anything that's going on down here do you do you know what's going on in the news and I'm like no yes because your accent's really American I'm fucking American it's gonna be fine stop getting in my fucking head I went to Melbourne and I've been to Sydney and it went fine the fuck am I supposed to read up on wombats

just going down there talking about my life I guess it's gonna be hot as fucking bulls when I get there my first one is January 27th I'm gonna be at uh in Perth Australia and uh I guess it's gonna be uh could get upwards of 40 degrees Celsius now for you those of you in the land of America is the easiest way to learn Celsius all right water freezes at zero Celsius and boils at 100 degrees Celsius it's really simple all right so you know water boils at what was it 212 degrees or some shit like that so all right so 100 Celsius is 212 that means 50 Celsius is like about 106 degrees you just do it that way you just keep cutting in half you can roughly guess whatever the fuck it is so they said it

gets up to about 40 Celsius so they're talking over 100 fucking degrees oh freckles is uh I wasn't counting on that I thought it was gonna be nice and balmy because I've been there in October and it was a little bit chilly sort of fall type of weather and I guess they were coming out of there I don't know but I'm looking forward to going to Perth I'm gonna uh bond Scott is buried there for my favorite band ever ACDC so I'm gonna go pay my respects there they got a statue of them there I'm gonna walk around Perth for a day or so get acclimated to uh you know the time over there which is fucking brutal that would actually be the furthest oh no that actually wouldn't be that would actually be a better time zone for me right because Sydney and Melbourne are further

to the international dateline that's closer to it so I'm actually moving farther away so I actually pick up a couple hours that's not bad um sorry doing the math there and then okay so on January 27th I'll be at the Perth Convention and Exhibition Center on the 29th I'll be in Melbourne uh arts center fucking thing January 31st I'm in Brisbane Brisbane however the fuck you say at Brisbane City Hall on uh February 1st I got two shows at the Sydney Opera House and then February 3rd um in New Zealand February at Auckland New Auckland Town Hall and then I'm doing the Opera House in Wellington New Zealand so um you know I've heard nothing but great things about New Zealand too unless you go to Australia and then they always make fun of them but it's just like

you're just doing that because you got nobody else to make fun of down there it's the closest fucking country right there right there so you get to act like all the fucking yahoo's live in New Zealand you know I've driven a little bit of Australia I drove from fucking Melbourne over to the uh the fucking 12 apostles whatever the hell they were and uh you know it got a little hairy there as we were driving around you know I'm saying you know you get out there there's a lot of surfers and that type of shit but I mean you know I don't know Australia's fucking insane do you realize like the top 10s most poisonous snakes on the planet are all in fucking Australia every last fucking one of them like the inland Taipan has like enough venom

I mean it would fucking just drop a goddamn elephant right it bite the elephant and the elephant would be like oh what the fuck was that and then just what bam down on the ground fucking over and then that thing would dislocate its jaws and it could swallow that elephant whole I'm fucking with you it couldn't but it could fuck it up kill it and evidently the reason why they have that much venom is because food is so scarce so they have to be even if they just wing it you know what I mean it'd be like if a sniper shot you with a bazooka and just sort of grazed you that would be it for you you'd be done you'd be finished so uh I'll be wearing boots the whole time I'm over there I'm gonna wear some thigh high Timberlands snake proof shit um

I don't know I'm sure all the locals would be yeah I actually might they're actually fucking scared of you and I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck so uh and I'm trying I'm I'm actually gonna travel really really really really really light okay so for all you cunts who are already gonna give me shit going Bill you wore the same two shirts the whole fucking tour that's right I did all right Jim Morrison wore those smelly brown leather pants for an entire fucking tour all right I can't go over there with two shirts oh Billy two shirts one shirt two shirt red fish blue fish that's what the fuck I'm doing I'm gonna have uh two pairs of pants two shirts and then I'm dressing like I'm on the Sopranos when I'm on a plane which means

I'm wearing a little fucking tracksuit and that's it I'm gonna have my fucking toilet tries with me and I am not bringing I'm not checking any fucking bags but here's the problem I'm traveling with my lady and you know how women travel you know they fucking you know they fucking they bring a lot of shit why women be bringing all that shit sorry I wanted to early 90s def jam now um all right let's get to the inbox here what do we got here let's let's get to some live reads for this week oh my goodness everybody hey by the way I've actually figured out that I am dyslexic a little bit I'm not like really bad but I've really started to pay attention to it and the way words get jumbled up as I'm fucking reading them and then I look at a word and I think it says

life but it's actually file it's not like debilitating like a debilitating kind of fucking thing but I got a little you know you know a little bit a little bit all right here we go let me get back to the goddamn questions here for this week um what else did I want to talk about too there was a huge fire last night here in downtown LA and it was just I'm pretty sure it's this apartment complex that I've been driving by drove by a lot this year I mean those of you who watched that Seinfeld thing you guys know that I learned how to fly a helicopter this year and so I would get up early in the morning and as I was driving down you know for my lessons I would fucking drive by this apartment building that was going up in like two seconds

you know and as I'm sitting I get in construction downstairs and that's taken all fucking goddamn year and I'm watching this thing just flying up but granted they got a fucking hundred person crew or whatever um this thing burned to the goddamn ground and these firefighters talking about it was hilarious was saying how big the fire was was saying that they actually call it like this was a career fire you know like a quarterback had a career day you know going 35 for 38 for 460 you get a career day these firefighters have like a career fire how fucking great an expression that is that are there any firefighters who listen to this I want to hear about your career fire you know I want to hear some from uh some firefighters I want to hear what's the most

fucked up thing you've seen in a fire I don't mean anything disgusting about death I mean afterwards is you're going through the fucking rubble trying to find like what caused the fire have you ever just found like a safe at the bottom of it and nobody's claiming it you know and then you try to get the fat fuck from the firehouse the guy who makes the chili to come over there and try to pick it up and put it in the back of your fucking dodge ram you know it sounds like a fucking movie with movie with Billy Bob Thornton all right and we don't tell anybody ends up being some fucking come on man you can't tell me every once in a while you went in there you risked your life I mean fucking burning to death's got to be one of the worst deaths ever and you face that every

fucking day you can't tell me that when you're rummaging through that you find you don't find a couple of trinkets and be like you know what I earned this you stick it in the front fucking lapel pocket of your uh heavy duty rubber raincoat there it's not made out of rubber right it would melt I don't know I want to hear some fire stories but I want to hear about people getting burned up I don't want to hear about that shit but I just like uh you know is is the logo are you the low guy in the totem pole as a firefighter where after the big boys put the fire out you're the guy who's got to sit there pissing on it for like the next three days just standing up there going back and first got to be the shittiest job ever there's no fucking excitement whatsoever you know what I mean

it's like you know you got the you got the fucking maniac who writes the book he gets the drink whiskey be suicidal and fuck bitches right then then you got the guy who's the proof reader in the end got to make sure the past participle does up with the fucking advert whatever the fuck they do that's what that's what that guy is that guy's the firefighter equivalent of like a proof reader you know or that guy in the locker room who picks up all the towels after all the players fucking rub their balls with them that's what that is that has to there's no way there's no way you're in the starting lineup at your fucking firehouse and you got to do that shit you're not doing that you're there with the flames all right come on you guys break that guy's balls when he's

up there hey make sure you spray over there I think I saw a fucking spark or two anyways all right let's talk sports you know what I watched very little football this week because I was wrapping up watching I was binge watching as the children say I was watching that that show the killing I watched the first two seasons about a year ago and I started to watch season three the first episode I don't know what happened I just got busy and what was cool is during the time it took me to jump back on um season not season four was shot and was uploaded so I got to watch the whole series so I uh you know season four only had like seven episodes so I just kind of was blowing through those things so I missed a lot of games I did watch the seahawks eagles game

and uh oh my god fucking paul versey is so goddamn funny man years ago right he said that um he said that you know after three games he said mark sanchez was a star all right and I said paul it's been three fucking games he's a rookie you don't think he's gonna have that four game you know four picks in a game that picks six or whatever he's a rookie blah blah blah blah classic paul versey he sees a guy out of the gate playing well and then goes this guy's gonna be the greatest fucking ever right um so anyways so the guy you know if he it didn't work out for him I'm not saying and I'm not bad he means saying that the guy is a uh a bad quarterback he is he's not a bad fucking quarterback but but like you know I mean people were acting like they're calling him

sanchez like he was a franchise quarterback right so anyways um so yesterday he's cubing for the eagles and he's having a he's having a good game and fucking versey writes and he finally admitted that he was wrong about sanchez so now this eagles game he's playing good against seattle and he says he goes dude I may have been right about sanchez dude can ball maybe not a star but good for sure it's just like you see how he tries to worm out of it he goes I may have been right when you said the guy was a star sanchez and all that and then he goes maybe not a star but good for sure and it's just like dude that's not what you said I never said sanchez wasn't a wasn't a good quarterback so of course I went back you're the worst you said he was a star

all right I don't want to fucking get involved in this we mean versey went round and round because you know I did this week and I actually test drove some fucking cars and I took out that Mercedes Benz station wagon AMG the biggest fucking sleeper on the planet dude this car was the shit I'm going to upload some video right the car like when you go to park the fucking car it the steering wheel moves itself like it has sensors all around the car so you put it in reverse and it cuts the wheel automatically and gets you to a certain point you just control the pedals the gas of the brake and then you put it in drive and then it turns it the other way you got to see this fucking

this fucking video I went over there with a buddy of mine and uh test drove a couple of fucking cars dude this car was so fucking badass I'm driving down the hill and there was this fucking smoke show as they say on barstool sports walk in this dog and the last time I drove in a I drove by in a car and a woman locked eyes with me the entire fucking way before looking away in horror I can't even remember I think I was in my college years I fucking came down in a fucking station wagon she should be running the other way this car was so fucking badass looking she fucking locked eyes with me the whole I couldn't believe it it's like I went back in time took out one of those and then it took another a different one that was like a four-door coop

and uh dude that's the fucking car that is the car because that is like it's a supercar and you can put a bunch of people in it either you get the sedan or you get the uh the station wagon and paul verge you just kept I kept telling paul how fucking sick the car was and he just kept going it's just a station wagon I just can't get by I'm like paul that's what makes it fucking cool it's the fact that it is a station wagon and you'd look like you think the person's a nerd and that they got their groceries and a bunch of pacifiers in there and then all of a sudden he fucking takes off from the line and his joke groceries and babies are flying out the back fucking window that's what makes it fucking cool I just can't I can't get past that it it's a wagon I mean

it's it's a fucking way it's like versey that's it right there okay you got yeah you got no style anybody can go out and like a Porsche anybody can like a Corvette anybody can like a Ferrari there's no thought process you know that's why I like watching shows like gas monkey garage right fast and loud whatever the fuck is called gas monkey garage oh I love watching that show now when they take a fucking car that's known to be fast I like when they take a fucking you know two-door fucking sedan like that time they bought uh kc's fucking uh 55 Ford and sold it to my Cuban that fucking car was so goddamn cool they did that they did well a 1950s Oldsmobile

like I don't to me that that's I don't know those those other cars right the Ferraris and all that that's like going on stage as a comedian and telling a dick joke it's a fucking layup you know people are gonna laugh you know I don't I got a lot of German blood meat and what I love about Germans it is what's funny to me about them is they're really bad about getting along with other people but you give those motherfuckers a station wagon and somehow that thing will go zero to 60 in 3.6 seconds and dude it's a fucking race car you know station wagons usually have that seat in the back where people face the other way that this car doesn't have that that's how fast they're trying to get this thing to go because it's a weight issue so they got that thing the fuck out of

there and um that is the first time I ever drove a car both cars that I drove and they have a dual clutch and I never thought I would say this but it just eliminates like back in the day if you got a sports car and it was an automatic you were the biggest fucking pussy you the whole car was ruined you know what I mean like if you bought a Corvette and it was an automatic you're just a douchebag like why would you do that the stick shift is so much faster you can slow down by downshifting as you're fucking diving into the goddamn turns right scaring the shit out of your passengers right but now I mean I didn't even understand the whole concept of it until like a week ago I started reading up on how that I was talking about like a week ago that whole dual clutch

system basically this is how fucking psychotic in a good way these guys out who design these cars and I guess a dual clutch system's been around since the fucking early 80s I just heard about it which is not surprising because I'm a moron but basically you know when you're driving a car right you're going down the street and you're hearing it going through the gears that right that little part you know so is it you're going wham you're in your seat exam you come off the seat wham you're back in him off the seat wham you're coming off the seat because the clutch is basically disengaging with the engine and you're in the engine still working like a motherfucker but for that split second when you push in the clutch and it's in neutral

you're the the engine's working for nothing right now that little sliver of that little split second when you go to shift you're losing that torque from the engine so the dual clutch system eliminates you coming off your seat by it puts the odd gears on one side of the tranny and the even on the other and I don't know how to fuck it switches off the way it does but I was driving that car and I'm listening going through the gears and I never came off my seat and the guy says you can use the paddle shifters if you want but you'll never be able to shift faster than the dual clutch dude you just step on the gas and it's like just fucking going through the gears it's fun it's you it's so completely unnecessary to have when you're driving down

the street it's so fucking unnecessary to have when you're just driving around civilians that you got to have one um does that make any sense I am completely sold on those cars and I'm I'm glad I went shopping around and all of that type of shit so now I just got it I got a save up to get one which is why I'm touring all through Australia New Zealand into Asia before dude I'm I'm so fucking psyched for that tour I am going to lay waste to that land down there I am so chomping at the fucking bit to to fucking do stand-up right now and I got all these goddamn ideas that I want to work out um dude I got I can't I don't know how to tell this story without giving away the joke that I'm doing but I'm gonna tell you why Joe Rogan is the greatest fucking dude ever um I got

this bit that I want to do and it adds like a physicality thing like possibly even like a pratfall and a lot of stand-up comics whatever look at it like oh the pratfall that's fucking hacky or whatever I'm just looking at it like wait a minute that's that's part of comedy man like you got to learn how to do that shit so I have this idea for a fucking joke that would possibly involve something like that I'm just kind of playing with it and Rogan's going like dude at the comedy store and he's going dude you could do you could totally do that he goes come out of my house I'll show you how to do it I got the fucking I got you know he's he's got like an octagon in his goddamn garage with all the mats and shit he goes I'll show you

how to do it and this fucking maniac loves comedy so much he's such a good dude we're backstage at the comedy store and he's doing these fucking rolls from a standing position onto the fucking floor and I'm just I'm fucking laughing going this guy like who the fuck else would do that fucking from from my not even his own joke he's showing me how to do it he goes easy you could just fucking do it like this it looks like you fall but you're kind of rolling into it he did it so well it's like dude you want to do the fucking joke but uh anyway so if on my next special you see me flopping around on the fucking stage know that it's because Joe Rogan took the time to show me how to do that backstage backstage at the comedy store and by the way Rogan is back

at the comedy store which is the greatest thing ever they you know they had a little a little riff there and right right as I moved to LA and I remember when I first lived in LA in the late 90s one of the highlights is going down to the comedy store was seeing Rogan you know back in the day so I last night I was down there and actually I was late so I didn't get to say what's up to him but I actually saw him on stage that's the first time I saw him in the uh the OR also called the original room um since the late 90s when I think I made a couple trips in the 2000s to LA but I just don't ever remember running into him so he was doing fear factor um anyways what else what else yeah so I hoarded myself out this week uh promoting my special I did Conan

O'Brien this week and once again I always have a good time on that show thank you to Conan and uh Andy and all those guys for uh laughing when I say something funny and helping me out when it bombs and um I think that's uh I think that's about all I got this week oh the Bruins Jesus Christ Jesus Christ we had a rough fucking road trip oh tight that was a rough one you know um we lost a couple of close ones to the ducks and the kings and them just got fucking hammered by the San Jose sharks I don't know what the fuck I mean I actually went back and watched it but I uh it was two to nothing when I left to go do some spots and I came back and I just saw it was like seven to four we lost we gave up seven fucking goals in two periods but

you know you always you have one of those every year you have a regular season game where it just gets away from you then uh we beat the coyotes a couple nights later so we went one and three on the road trip so we'll come back we got the Chicago Blackhawks I'll tell you it doesn't get any easier we got the Blackhawks at home I think the wild or something like that coming up that's another thing I'm looking forward to over the break I haven't skated since like September yeah I gotta get back into all my fucking hobbies and all that shit so anyways let's uh in the uh wait I gotta read some questions here because I have another busy fucking day here all right wife in labor hey billy black and whiteface my wife and I watched a new special

on netflix last night and then at 6 a.m this morning her water broke coincidence probably not she did not want to watch it because she was having contraction contractions and was in pain and I don't think she laughed once I cackled like a maniac while she glared at me for enjoying myself so much I think the hour and 15 minutes of glaring caused her to go into labor two weeks early is that a thing thanks for the entertainment and go fuck yourself Jesus Christ dude your wife's in pain and you still sat there and watched it why didn't you fucking uh bring her back into the bedroom give her a nice book and uh whatever peanut butter banana sandwich whatever the hell she's craving um I don't know I hope you had a nice healthy baby boy

or girl whatever you had and um I hope your wife hates you would not make but um for those of you haven't seen my my newest special yes we did we shot it in uh with the latest cameras you can have when we shot it in black and white I always wanted to do a special in black and white because I just think it looks fucking cool as shit and uh and also I plan to do a bunch of specials and you know each one to have like its own kind of unique look you know so just imagine I got you know some color ones and then boom I got this black and white one I shoot this other one this way or that way or whatever um I don't I don't know I don't like HD the level of HDTB right now it's so fucking clear it doesn't look real it's like

it looks like a tropical fish tank half of these shows you're sitting there watching a car chase and you waste you're like waiting for a clown fish to swim by the uh past the screen I don't know I'm not in it I'm not into it I'm an old man look at me I'm releasing fucking vinyl records and black and white specials I am regressing all right last week's 24 year old version version virgin bill I wanted to weigh in on the 24 year old virgin question with the female perspective oh well I love when the women write in I always get it from the fellas this one's from a lady she said this kid is potentially sitting on a golden ticket if he plays it right there are girls that get really turned on by the idea of fucking a virgin myself included is that true

uh she said myself included when I was still in the game it's sweet when you don't know what you're doing Tina I never would have known that because as a guy you feel like there's that pressure that you're supposed to lead and you're supposed to know what the fuck you're doing from the get go um so anyway she goes on to say and sweet will get you laid oh it's sweet when you don't know what you're doing and sweet will get you laid uh we'll knock your fucking brains out because we take because we get to take charge and we want to give you a great time I've been with guys who think they know what they are doing and it was far worse than fucking a virgin a few words of advice don't act all greasy and pretend you know what's going on what does greasy mean cool is this for

the virgin yeah just you're just saying fucking throw your cards on the table stand there with the fucking rock hard dick going I don't know what to do with it what's happening um anyways she said that's not a fucking turn on when you act all greasy pretend what you're doing and it will reflect poorly on your abilities also don't get too fucking wasted yeah a little liquid courage isn't a bad thing but too much booze in your system will make you sloppy if you pick a decent enough girl for your first fuck she might tell her girlfriends but your buddies will never know um ps bill got to see you in Ottawa and you fucking killed it thanks and go fuck yourself jesus christ it's fucking right there that's the fucking blunt force trauma truth of it all

um I appreciate you being so goddamn honest you know is that the way women talk when we're not around you guys sound like truckers too large much all right adoption and I'm not shitting on you either because I know I sound like a trucker I don't sound like a trucker all I do is just add the southern accent because everybody knows every truck is from down south right speaking of down south everybody um I am going to be doing another fucking tour of the south the dirty south and we're gonna get extra dirty this time I'm telling you right now I'm putting it together all right we're not going to be doing the main fucking ones that I've done in the past Nashville Atlanta fuck that all right fuck that all fucking

day all right we're going to Talladega we're going to Mobile Alabama we're gonna go into Mississippi I want to I want to go into I want to I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I want to go to like fucking some of these off the beaten fucking path southern ones do uh do a bus tour um I'm gonna I'm putting the fucking team back together again just like the blues brothers all right that's something else in 2015 that's gonna happen we're getting the fucking bus back we're getting Steve the bus driver all right versey lawhead and the coach and that's it it's gonna happen again um I'm actually right after I'm done with this fucking podcast I'm calling my agent I'm gonna pick a goddamn time we're gonna uh we're gonna put it together I love the fucking south I love it all right

adoption sir bear just finish your new special amazing as always thank you very much I very much liked your bit about adoption and as someone who grew up in a family oh as someone who grew up in a family through adoption it's my honest opinion that it's the best and most socially responsible thing someone can do my sister brother and myself were adopted by folks my folks after my dad made the choice back when he was a kid in the 70s and met an adopted schoolmate who had been through some shit in Korea and expressed his true gratitude for being able to live a completely new life my mom has made it clear that they could have had their own and it wasn't a question of possibility pain or timing uh my dad just always felt the need to do it I don't know

where I'd be without people like my parents and adoption should really be how our new generation in privileged countries like our own acquire their children though I understand acquiring children sounds like the to-do list for an African dictator either way thanks for the thousands of laughs I hope you and me I find tremendous joy in whatever you decide to do any kid would be fortunate for you guys to have oh any kid would be fortunate to have you guys as a mom or a dad ah what a fucking great guy um I gotta be honest with you do with the fucking world population problem the way it is you know what I mean and then all the kids out there that uh for whatever reason you know I can't imagine over in uh Iraq how many kids don't have fucking moms or dads at

this point through that fucking shit show over the last 10 years anytime a war just just fucking pulls everybody apart um and over here you know well I don't know if they allow do they allow husbands and wives in the United States military to both go over there I wouldn't think so they seem to not do that after that I think after they had that one uh that ship that went down a world war two when there was like five brothers from the same family were all on the same ship and the thing got torpedoed and and some poor parents lost all five of their kids man fucking brutal I think the U.S. military does try to avoid that so um no I I wouldn't have a problem with that I should probably do it I'm fucking 46 right then I talk about that in my act I need a headstay I need to fucking get like a 10

year old so I'll still be alive when I graduate college um no I don't think there's anything wrong with it I think it's a great thing to do and also you know not only is it great for the kid it is great for I hate using the word society mankind in general because if you don't have any sort of parental guidance and you're growing up in some sort of foster home you know it's just like you're just gonna grow up you know with a bunch of other fucked up kids and you just end up doing what they're doing uh when the person could actually you know if you have parental guidance you go to school you got a good job you mean that you know you mean a nice lady or whatever you get fucking married or what do you you you chill if you're all fucking angry from your child and all that god knows what

you go out and go do right um yes you know what you reconvince me all right underrated doing dishes at spouse's family at spouse's family event is underrated all right I was at my sister in law's graduation party and decided to help clean up by doing the dishes I was able to skip out on boring in-law conversations while picking up some credit by offering to do the dishes on top of it all I was able to catch the Patriots Packers game on the kitchen TV while everyone else was having was having to make small talk dude that's fucking genius I hate small talk I can't stand going to those fucking parties dude I'm gonna steal that whoever man or woman whoever wrote this in or maffordite I don't know who the fuck you are God bless you I got a nice crowd uh I got a nice

crowd going in the kitchen and most of the men at the event wanted to see the game we were rooting for the Patriots to win so the Lions would have the NFC North next time you get a chance volunteer to do some easy cleanup non-stop thanks and an easy out from boring conversations wow man I gotta tell you that might be the best one in a while that's that's goddamn genius a musical mutt a dancing dog um so anyways what do we got here man look at this 53 fucking minutes in 53 minutes in and I'm out of shit to talk about I'm a little talked out people I apologize you know pouring myself out hyping this fucking special and doing the radio the radio goddamn tour let's you know this is what I'm gonna do I'm just gonna select

some right now from my email account where are we where are we here we go click here and then I click here signing into my account isn't this exciting I have no idea what these questions are gonna be um advice been out of the game it's changed all right what do we see oh my god this fucking email is long oh fuck all right hey Billy badass I got a situation here and I can't make heads of tails of where I'm at with this girl a modern day Casanova such as yourself should be able to figure out how to read this girl read this girl and it advise me as the next as of the next step to take if there is one so here's my problem your problem is fucking spelling and punctuation so far my friend so here's my problem I'm 24 years old and was in a relationship with a girl

for five years from the ages of 14 to 19 when it ended it was drawn out and she strung me along until she was comfortable enough with her next guy to cut it off for good yeah that's what you're doing you're young I wouldn't take it personal she's only fucking 19 she doesn't know how to get out of relationships you know you guys start dating at 14 um anyways well she goes well I live in a small town and the guy she went to was a little sissy girl jean wearing pissant oh easy easy easy oh Jesus Christ dude I'm not I'm like dude you sound like a fucking bully I know right you know what you're mad at him all right I'm gonna give you Jesus Christ dude thank god I pulled up on that one I would have to make an apology um they can't take an ass whooping without calling the cops

Jesus Christ I don't know if I'm giving her advice let's just read this to hear how fucked up this guy is by the way big reason why I country is our country the reason why I country is going to hell in a hand basket it's because the guy's like this I get because they can't take an ass kicking without calling the cops all right this guy's old school uh nobody is getting their ass beat anymore because of cop calling ah Jesus which assault is practically a prison sentence right away I I digress dude you're a fucking mouth breathing moron good lord I'm actually happy that she's fucking away from you see this is why we try to screen these goddamn things all right where are we where are we come on somebody asked for uh

men's room studio tour etc all right let's see what this one is hi bill let's let's hope this one doesn't have uh homophobic shit all over it all right hi bill I heard your podcast yesterday I was dying laughing when you talked about the men's rooms and all the smelly shenanigans that happen in there I'm a woman who's never been in a men's public restroom so that was a shockingly funny revelation my husband never tells me it's disgusting in there perhaps he he's used to it oh I mean it's a public restroom I by the way I've been in plenty of ladies rooms um I shouldn't say plenty I don't mean to say it that way I've been in there because I used to be a busboy at a restaurant and in the morning I came in and I had to clean up both bathrooms and I was not surprised at how

filthy the men's room was but the fucking ladies room first of all there's fucking toilet paper all over the place I don't know what's going on in there I think because they have to sit down to pee they just build a nest I have no idea and I'll spare you the fucking details all right but it looks like you know just imagine a ticker tape parade combined with bodily fluids that's disgusting I'm sorry but that's what it looked like he goes on the other hand the woman's restrooms are quite the opposite God forbid you make a sound in there it's like an unspoken rule that women can't fart loudly installs if you ask me this is so unfair that we ladies have to hold it in well you guys are doing it to yourself that's the ladies room please don't blame the guys for that one well you

know in society it's not acceptable for us to fart in public if a guy does it it's funny oh fucking grow a dick stop playing the goddamn victim all right let one rip and have your dress fly up like Marilyn Monroe I don't give a fuck anyways I had the privilege to use the woman's restroom in south in a south korea airport and each stall had a device that lets you play classical music or nature sounds to mask the posterior trumpet blasting that's about to shoot out of my dainty butt it was the best bathroom trip of my life any who I don't know if you got my email months before my offer still stands you're welcome oh to stop by our animation studio Jesus Christ I was getting nervous there um oh all right all right okay cool all right where do we go here where do we go um

do I dare to read I'm sorry you feel that way feedback I got one more minute to do here I loved every minute of it man like the black and white absolutely awesome special keep them coming please oh that's awesome that's awesome I can't even tell you guys how psyched I am that you guys like this this special um and for those of you who are wondering why we shot it the way we do is because I love stand-up comedy and I just feel like it should be shot like a movie you know what I mean like stand-up comedy has this weird sort of thing where it has this a ton of respect where people like dude I don't know how you get up there I could never do that blah blah blah yet it's also looked at like you're the guy with the lampshade on your head and I'll never forget

when I did a half hour for Comedy Central I know I've told this story before and they did the promos for it and they basically shot you sitting on a stool sort of making weird faces that the camera at least is what they were asking you to do asking you to do and they just played this trumpet like the promo it's like you know Bill Burr is half hour special and they just had me sitting there like shrugging my shoulders like hey this is my half hour special and this trumpet was playing in the background when I was sitting at home this is my first half hour special I was all excited and that fucking muted trumpet came it sounded like it was heckling me like that's the soundtrack to what the fuck I just did you know what I just I just I don't know I don't

fucking know but that's the greatest thing about this age of specials is that comedians have so much control that you can actually shoot the fucking thing the way you want to which we did and that is all that is the podcast for this week everybody I I know I only did an hour this week I I just let me get through this next fucking acting gig and then I'll be back flapping my fucking gums again next week come back a little stronger all right that's it go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week oh I didn't even bring it up the Patriots beat the fucking churches look to be a great game I was actually punching up this fucking script so I've yet to watch the game and I did see that play that you know we intercepted it and brought it back and there

was that great hit and you know those guys they got up just because someone gets fucking laid out now doesn't mean it was like helmet to helmet that was like a great hit but I actually I do like you know as much as everybody's saying that the NFL oh it's you know they're turning it to this pussy league I like that there is an helmet to helmet hits I like that they're trying to get that out of the game because I gotta be honest with you you know if you're younger I can see why you don't like it because you haven't seen any of the guys that you liked when you were a kid be 50 60 years old and you know dealing with the effects of it like you know the latest one of the latest ones that shocked me was Tony Dorsett the great Tony Dorsett watching him struggle with

like you know anger issues and all that type of thing due to the the hits he took in his career I like that they haven't them lead with the shoulder and even then I mean you still your head can snap back it's it's always going to be a violent game but I think it's great that they are getting it out of there because it's still a fucking awesome game I don't think that guys have to be like suffering the way these players are suffering for to still be a great game so I don't have a problem with it having said all that that that was a bullshit call that was a fucking hell of a play in a touchdown and I was nervous about that game because I respect the chargers and fucking Phillip Rivers so anyways I don't know what to tell you Patriots a 10 and 3 tied

with the Broncos thank god we beat them so we are you know provided we went we win the rest of the way out or the Broncos lose one we will have home field advantage once again and we're looking good but I don't know man I still think the Broncos would be tough to beat them twice be tough to beat the Colts twice be tough to beat the chargers twice it just is I don't by any means think that it would be you know all these pats fans like dough we're going to the ball dode I don't by any means think it would be a cakewalk but uh oh obviously home field advantage will be a huge thing so I just figure I'd end the podcast by saying a bunch of obvious shit I hope you enjoyed this week's podcast thanks once again to everybody who's watching my special and if you haven't watched it yet if you

could carve out some time to watch it it really helps me because you know Netflix is a ratings thing just like any other network so if you've already seen it thank you so much please tell your friends if you haven't seen it yet and you get a chance I know you're busy I'd really appreciate you be helping me out be what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast nfl edition for uh going into wow man week number 14 it's flying by um and uh yeah man look I'm happy I had good week last week I don't know bill I don't know how bill did we didn't talk about it but I know that I went three I thought

about I said I got killed did you don't you remember my text messages I thought you I know you won I know you won the one game you said how did I how did you do I said I got killed oh well I went one and three again oh okay well I went three and one I'm finally fucking finally over this this hump but only by a game and a half so we got to keep our guard up yeah but Paul you were in such a fucking hole I was down eight you were down eight games and you've come storming back um hey that's what happens when you lay off the packers okay the packers I know you were like stubborn with those guys man I thought he was going to turn it around but uh so Andrew what is that that uh I was 23 24 and one what am I now now I'm 24 uh

uh 20 26 uh 25 and one you want a three and one all right and bills uh 23 and 25 and four well he's 500 there's no way I'm 500 I went one and three the past two weeks man I'm like fucking two and six do you know 22 26 and four so that's that's that's oh 22 also he's down to get 24 and dude who ties four times I've never seen anything like well that's not me that's the bookie um I just keep picking games where they picked the perfect number I mean in Vegas I would have lost well bill I notice a little more forgiving here I noticed a little trend here some teams have what do they call it stabilized to fix the tides turn whatever it is you know you know I always

I'm bad right in the ship right in the ship turn change the rudder bill's bad with names and I'm bad with sayings some of these teams have righted the ship and uh wait this is actually week number 14 so bill has first picked this week bill as you say some of these teams righted the ship I mean this the last three week all of a sudden the lions are good I'm supposed to believe that they're gonna be good for the rest of the year they're favored by one and I'm supposed to believe the Vikings just stink that's what you know I it's dude the the Raiders have won three in a row the lions are starting to win but I'm not gonna say the lions I don't know what does that mean though yeah I mean look

the lions never righted a ship the lion ship is in the same direction I love the Raiders tonight but then I'm just like those fucking assholes are gonna go back to who they were yeah they're playing a bad rams team though I don't know um well you have the pick of the litter how can the rams be that bad paul dude how can they be that bad they just won the fucking Super Bowl how could they be that bad you want to know why get away from that game I don't like it I'm gonna tell you why because Cooper Cup catches 11 passes a game and he's out and he did that last year when they won too without that guy dude it's a it's just a different team you're telling me in 2022 if you lose one white wide receiver you go from winning the Super Bowl to being fucking

three and eight or whatever the fuck they are I'm supposed to believe that dude I mean yeah this time around this time around 11 12 passes a game for like 130 yards and he's like uncalled he's an animal I'm not saying he's not but I'm just saying I mean that is throwing it to him all last year that is funny if you pointed him out in a bar you're like you see that dude yeah that guy's the reason the rams are bad if you like get the fuck out of here I know he's like my height you're playing darts he's playing darts with a beer in his hand you're like that guy um yep it's an even number so I got first picked this week Paul not gonna lie to you I am I am flailing dude you're down two games I don't know who anybody is I don't know who shot I don't know who's not

um I'm gonna go back to something I liked early this year which is Joe Burrow in the Cincinnati Bengals I know it's a uh it's a rivalry and whatever but Joe Mixon's coming back he's off the concussion protocol to Sean Watson still shaking up the cobwebs being that jerk off shop I'm gonna take the fucking Bengals laying five and a half Paul I don't like five I would love four and a half I'm not gonna lie that was a pick I was gonna take it's a great pick it's a W all right why do you jinx me like that all right why do you jinx me like that why do you call me up in the first quarter and say your bet looks great I never do shit like that to you it was it wasn't the first quarter I didn't think it's the end of the game you guys gave Aaron

judge all that money I didn't call you up and say what the fuck are you doing I'll be honest with you dude I don't know if I like that dude 360 million for a guy that's been hurt a lot it's a lot hey I'm glad he's here that's gonna be like one of those you guys can afford it the next the next with Alan Houston that that hurt him yeah he's gonna afford to pay some giant fucking six years if he's on the bench with a swollen ankle all right yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna pick one dude we lost sand at Bogarts it's a free agency yet another guy we got nothing for where'd he go San Diego they're fucking stacked oh dude San Diego is putting all the chips in San Diego Super Padres um good fam get out there and uh you know they're not gonna fucking pay you leave

dude I got fucking water coming up on the floor here it's like have they figured out fuck they can't figure out how to make the fucking basement not get water I got water coming up from the tiles where I'm sitting right now I got water in in this room right now I got water it's a sign pick the dolphins I hope somebody picks the dolphins that was uh oh wait no Paul said they righted the ship and all of a sudden he's out on the open seas I'm gonna tell you something dude I'm gonna take the Pittsburgh Steelers minus two at home against the Lamar Jackson List Ravens I know it's a I know it's a kind of a rivalry but I think this kid Kenny Pickett this quarterback of the Steelers has got two back-to-back good games they're home it's only two points and no Lamar Jackson if that doesn't

look who am I if that doesn't do it I don't know what does it so I'm gonna take that game well Ravens got that kid from Utah that the uh their coach is saying it would be a starting quarterback somewhere else Paul the youths the two youths the two youths the two youths that beat fucking USC and allowed Ohio State to back in at first into the fucking playoffs Bill who was that actor Bill who was that actor who said did you say you he played Thurman when not her been months and went okay he was great that guy uh incredible actor um I don't know why it's your go all right Paul we know something all right I like uh sneaky Pete Carroll uh you love Seattle Seahawks minus four against the Panthers I don't know why they're only minus four I looked up to see if there

was any injuries or something why are they only minus four they just got where the fucking uh Baker Mayfield may be called they're a team in flocks you know what you don't want me to jinx you so I'm not gonna do your first no I'm sick I'm gonna be a friend I'm not gonna use you don't want to jinx me all you want it doesn't fucking matter I'm just I'm just joking I I actually like I actually love both of your picks all right I'm trying to find my charger here Burr loves the sea Bill loves the Seahawks like I I go with the Colts or Packers not true I've laid off them for a few weeks but I do love a great coach you know no matter I mean Pete Carroll figures out a way to get it done all right I'm

gonna leave it at that I'm gonna be a gentleman he figures out a way to get it done he's gonna pump in crowd noise whatever the fuck he's got to do I like Geno Smith you know what the fuck their quarterback is this is a weird one dude why are the Vikings and Lions a one and a half line that's just weird to me dude the Vikings are like one of the best teams in football until like a week ago and they had a couple of bad weeks and the Lions have a couple of good weeks that's what I was saying all of a sudden I'm supposed to believe that the Lions are the new Lions and the Vikings are now what this stuff going on I tried to look up injuries or something on that one

all right I'm gonna do all Kapali all Paulie's gonna throw a curve ball here I'm gonna take you ready for this I'm gonna take the New York Jets getting 10 in Buffalo thank you thank you what why thank you the Jets have been picked because the Jets pick off the Jets picked off the Bills more than anybody this year uh or Josh Allen in general and that's that's too high that's a heavy line for a good defense yeah I think it's a heavy line for a good defense and it is a rivalry it's 10 points I mean the Jets could also get blown out but I just like the points with a I like the points with their defense and this quarterback that's better than the kid they drafted so I'm gonna take the 10 points with the Jets yeah let me

answer you Paul I don't think I haven't been too impressed with the Ravens defense oh sorry the Bills defense where the fuck they added that free agent to their defense that fucking lunatic linebacker I was like oh my god the Bills are gonna they're gonna walk and he's out for the year he just tore his ACL he's out for the year Vaughn Miller's gone oh gotta hate to hear that yeah but you know if you're taking Seattle laying 10 you love to hear well I hope I hope you recover soon um I'm gonna take the uh let's see here I don't know why but uh I'm gonna take the New York football Giants plus seven and a half first the fucking Eagles I just fucking uh you know division rivalry Giants always play good defense

Eagles had a nice fun time last week against the Titans they're feeling pretty good going into Christmas I think they have a couple too many gingerbread cookies and uh you know they let up a late one an old freckles gets to win there you know what dude I didn't know if I was gonna take that and I was thinking about it I'm glad you did but you just pushed me to do something why not I'm gonna take the Vegas Raiders tonight fuck it six and a half points I think they win they're on a little you know what I was a raider I just hope you're gonna take the Vikings and tell everybody to calm down in the Norris you know what I think the Raiders three games in a row they seem like they're clicking the Rams are you talk about frail flailing the Rams are the Rams might even be

going for a draft pick at this point dude they're three in whatever no Cooper cup prime time for the Raiders hey when I was in fifth grade the first team I ever played for I was a raider number 27 I'm gonna go in with the Raiders tonight how about that all right like it all right Paul's kind of laying off this one and now I'm coming back around to it I like the Ravens I like the Ravens at the head I don't give a fuck that the Steelers had two good games in a row this is still the Ben Ross Berger hangover I know Lamar Jackson isn't there but I like this kid out of Utah I just like this picture you know sorry I really read two paragraphs on it oh Paul this movie's done done on Tuesday that's my superbowl done done my year amazing shows this weekend three more next weekend

and then I'm just gonna fucking drown myself in bourbon yeah come now I'm coming up the way I can call are you hard nice I'm talking like fucking who's that guy who drank himself tonight and drink himself death he killed himself I heard you could just or you could just pour yourself a drink I'm gonna go in his timing way or you could just pour yourself a drink sit back oh look who finally turned his life around fucking three weeks ago and he's acting like the guy that didn't stay up till four in the morning six in the morning on the tour bus I know I know I'm home but come home before the street lights come on tomorrow night you mean dude is it sad that it took me over 40 years to learn how to eat and drink like a fucking normal person what about me I went 50 years I couldn't

do it I finally had to fucking quit um I like all of our ho I like all of our picks um that's it right is that those are my those are the picks we'll have one more you have one more stupid for us to go head to head if we're trying to beat the book because that's definitely lost lots of Ravens and oh okay that's right I want more no I took the Steelers the Jets the Raiders and I got one more my last my fourth and final pick for week 14 well you know what bill made it easy taking the Giants off the board so that I don't have to worry about betting with my heart over there all right this is a tricky one guys oh this is a tricky one let the dolphins sit there against the Chargers the Chargers Paul here's why you suck you want to

know why hey when did you when did you become the fucking guy helping the other guy out well I need the help I said dolphins three times I said no he keeps pushing the dolphins here's why I don't like the here's why I don't like it dude the Chargers are now six and six and they're coming off a loss in their home and they can't they can't they need the game um hey Paul everybody needs a game this time of year huh you know what dude how about this oh this is nuts I'm taking oh he's got the finger going I saw something in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers I saw something at the end of that game when he came back he's something happened with him and Evans and I think I liked how the defense played kept him in the game they're getting three and a half points no Garoppolo

everybody's high on this new kid who's coming in for Garoppolo oh this purdy kid he came in he played great fuck that Tampa Bay is gonna fucking run after this kid and blitz him and I like him getting more than three points so I'm gonna take the Tampa Bay Bucks on the road road dogs three and a half against the favored Niners there you go I got you expecting a big reaction from the two of us there was silence and then he filled it up going there you go I put that there you guys are like all right I don't know where the fucking end getting the point there you go dude you're still fighting that are you still fighting that cough dude only when I laugh I was okay I can do whatever I have it's not COVID it's not Ebola it's not the flu I don't know what it is I've gotten tested

for fucking everything I'm just happy it's not shingles all right Bill well now we have one last thing to do let them fucking Monday night special all right can we fucking run this year all right well it is your New England Patriots at Arizona Cardinals and the Patriots are minus one and a half where I don't know why are we favorites we have no fucking offense whatsoever our defense is good we have no offense I like don't make me do this Mac Jones going Mac Mac Jones going past the fucking ball the running game sucks I was like I like that I like that oh you know I like that he was he and you know what he wasn't that play call was he wasn't lying dude I liked it Matt Patricia has been getting a lot of criticism just in general for his choices we'll say as far

back as the Lions go when he was with Detroit people weren't happy with him there they thought it was a mistake nothing that happens in Detroit counts it's a family owned fucking team everybody everybody goes out there and fails who's the last person that went out there and fucking did well hey Bill as far back as I could remember we always pass the ball um good fellas nothing all right there you go uh there it is what is it there you go I just got a clip I have to watch on this fucking goddamn thing it's never gonna end all right this movie's never gonna end all right let's go well the under over is 43 and a half uh the line is one and a half I mean if I take my heart out but I say Arizona in the under

wait Kyler Murray playing what the fuck's going on with the Cardinals Kyler Murray is playing Kyler Murray's playing he's a pain in the ass they stink Andrew what's going so bad that they're they're they're one and a half point dogs at home against an anemic offense Paul help me out with this one you're seeing it Paul you've gone six and two I've gone two and six this is a tale of two two gamblers here cards are cards are four and eight pats are six and six but yeah dude the Cardinals just the Cardinals don't have it dude Belichick's gonna win the game that kid number nine you guys got's unreal he's unreal dude that kid um

yeah I like the fire and Mack Jones saying like what the fuck are we doing let's go all right we'll take the pass with the points we'll say they'll let Matt throw it Mack who's gonna Matt Mack's gonna throw one all right what else does bet FGM let us do at this point to try to win a fucking Monday night special you can't pick a starting quarterback to throw a touchdown wait so no we got it you got Mack Jones throwing one Patriots to win by two and what do you think under over the underrovers been a lot of our Achilles heel 43 and a half when we should zag and what is it it's 43 and a half Bill Belichick doesn't win shootouts so if he's gonna win he's

gonna fucking hold him and we don't score any fucking points I'd say the under okay that's what makes sense all right up a few what you like tease it to like 47 or something if you want to be safe can we how do you tease it um it'll change the odds a little bit but you just you're maybe you'd be making the bet at a different uh line uh you're selling me a car right now that's what you're doing you're gonna give me four grand for this hunk of shit absolutely I'm just gonna add four grand to the fucking price tag no you know what his gut was that I like his I like your reasoning I like your reasoning Bella check if Bella checks in a fight they're not gonna put up a lot of points I like that let's go under Mack Jones to throw one and and the Patriots

to win the game by two all right I'm going I'm right verse I'm on the verse you train right now so what'd you say what'd you say when you when you you finished your big thing I go I go what'd you say there you go it was either there you go or that's right or something I don't know there you go because you guys were just silent I gave this good reasoning and you guys just stared at me I go there you go no you gave like a half-time speech we should have been running out of the fucking room ready to play with just sat there like there you go um all right everybody well this has been anything better NFL edition preview for week number 14 those are our picks that's our Monday night special Mack Jones to throw one um Patriots to win minus one and a

half and under 43 and a half uh how do you get the bet mgm app and then and there you go and there you go and there you go um download the bet mgm app use bonus code burr burr put as little as 10 dollars in and uh bet up to a thousand dollars risk-free all you got to do download the app use bonus code burr burr burr as little as 10 bucks guys and they'll match it up to a thousand bucks even if you lose you're gonna you're gonna get it so I don't know what you're waiting on and uh there you go they said a half breaks a half Sicilian couldn't be 500 against bet mgm in December hey they said that until they met you and let me tell you something kid I didn't believe you I didn't believe in you in September I didn't believe in you in October but now

I believe in you more than any other degenerate gambler I know the kid was eight games back in week 10 eight games back in week 10 and I'm over the book let's get him again Bill let's get him again I'm just trying to keep my fucking nose above the fucking water here I'm rooting for Bill I don't care about the the Jimmy the Greek this year I'm rooting for me and Bill to look at bet mgm and go two years in a row once they started fucking us on the Monday night special that it became us against them that's what happened we united as a team I'm not pulling my weight so if you fucking caught me I understand all right um all right man go Raiders tonight enjoy the game tonight everybody enjoy uh well they're not gonna see this until

whatever whatever Saturday enjoy your football sunday we'll be back for week 15 we hope you enjoyed the last anything better regular podcast we'll be back with that in a week so um there you go enjoy take care there he is all right we'll see you all right thanks guys yep all right bye bye and remember guys to bet you got to be 21 years of age or older to wager in Arizona Colorado DC Iowa Indiana Kansas Michigan Mississippi New Jersey New York Nevada Pennsylvania Tennessee uh Virginia West Virginia or Wyoming only new customer offer paid in free bets visit bet mgm dot com for terms and conditions uh excludes michigan disassociated persons uh please gamble responsibly gambling problem call 1-800 next step for Arizona call 1-800-522-4700 for Colorado DC

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