Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-9-21

Episode Date: December 10, 2021

Bill rambles about the return of the feral cats, things you can get away with in public, and evil numbers. Thursday Podcast: start - 36:23 Anything Better NFL Preview: 36:24 - 56:48 Throwback MMP 12-9-12:   56:49 - end Music Interlude: Sam Wilkes - Today Sam Wilkes Bandcamp Get $50 off any purchase of $399 or more by using promo code BURR at www.Indochino.com. www.getRoman.com/BURR today, and if you’re prescribed, get $15 off your first month of ED treatment Get an extra $10 off Holiday deals at solostove.com, promo code BURR 25% off ANYTHING you order when you get better hydration today using promo code BURR at LIQUID IV DOT COM

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And aaaaahhhhhhhh Just checking in on ya. Just checking in to see how your doing. Do I sound... a little excited? Do I sound like a man who said something that was gonna happen, and then it did? I got powers, man.

I say shit and it happens, man. If you don't believe me, go back and listen to my podcast last week. What the fuck did I say? What did I say? I said, it's beginning to look a lot like 2001. Who is this Mac Jones? And our coach is Billy B and he's working on the D and all the Colts fans are gonna cry. I called it.

I said, Bill Belichick was gonna go out there to Buffalo and he was gonna coach a fucking masterpiece. Which he did. Okay? Bay told him couldn't write a fucking game plan like that. You know why? Cause he's a musician! Other than that. Other than that. That man, I guarantee you, had a decent weather game plan that would have beat the Buffalo Bills that night.

And all of a sudden, there were 50 mile per hour wins and these poor fucking kickers are going out there. You see that Barstool sports fucking video? Guy's trying to kick like a 35 yarder. It's up. It's good! Blown away. Started hovering like a heliocopter there. Bill Belichick is a fucking genius.

The man is a fucking genius. And I know there's the fucking cunts out there. Right? Going like, go Nick Jones only threw the ball three times. That's the only amount of times he had to throw it. Alright, Josh Allen was throwing the ball all over the fucking field. It's almost like he didn't want the ball in his hands. I think he was a little scared.

I'm fucking with you. It was a great game. You know, I love the light show that they put on on Niagara Falls, Buffalo, you know, doing it up. Smashing tables, lighting up water. You know, eating spaghettios out of a can. I mean, how much more down to earth do you guys got to be? It's so hard to hate Buffalo Billfins unless you're amongst them wearing a Patriots hat. Then yeah, then it's kind of easy.

It's kind of wish their whole fucking SUV went right over the fucking fall, right over it. Landed nose first on the fucking rocks and you guys just sit there breathing your last bit of air. Inverted as you sink down inside. We'll give you in that thing. We'll give you a Ford Explorer. Yeah, man, we just fucking ran the ball and ran the ball and ran the ball and ran the ball. And that was it. That was it.

And our offensive line was better than that D line for that night. And now we're up two games to zip. Not two games. No, we're up two games on them. So who knows, who knows? We could shit the bed next week. You don't, I'm not going to be, I'm not going to go Verzi on you right now and start high-stepping during the fucking regular season like my good buddy does there.

All right. I actually thought that the bad weather was going to be a disadvantage for us for some reason. I just felt like, you know, I thought Belichick was going to come up with this game plan. Mac Jones was going to be ridiculously accurate the way he has been all year. But for some reason it's not getting credit specifically from Buffalo Bills fans. You know, hey, we're not scared. Tom Brady's not coming off that bus. Yeah, well, Bill Belichick was and he came off that bus and he ate your fucking wings

and he took your hearts and he went home. And that's it. All right, Fred Smirlis wasn't there to save your ass. Neither was Bruce Armstrong or Jim Kelly. All right. Buffalo's East Street Band. No, I'm fucking with you. Anything can happen.

We got to play them again. I'm just psyched that I fuck. I just knew we were going to win that game. I mean, did you put any money up? Yeah, I bet a little bit. I took the pats in the under. How do you like that? How do you like them apples?

Isn't that what we're supposed to say there in Boston ever since Goodwill Hunting came out? How do you like them apples? There's no apples left. Just an empty barrel and all your hopes and dreams. Get in that barrel and go right over the falls into fucking who owns who owns Niagara Falls? Buffalo and like what Hamilton, Ontario? Is it a sovereign state? Is it part of Ottawa?

Does the family that makes Crown Royal do they own part of it? I have no fucking idea. Anyway, it was a great game for what I saw of it. I was going in and out. I had the kids at night, you know, and it's just a major battle, major battle. When I'm shutting off a kid's show to watch what's known in my house is daddy TV. You know, then I have to be like watching the game while entertaining them. So I got to play like how many times do you think he can run around the couch before I catch you?

You know, so I got to do that. So I get some cardio and I get some cardio and I got to tell you something. You know, don't Billy eggnog tits as you guys have been calling me. They come, it's coming down. It's coming down. All right, guys. Well, remember I was telling you there was those fucking cats. If you're a member of I don't know, if you're an animal lover,

you might not want to listen to this especially during the holidays. Everybody's like, oh, Jesus, what happened to the fucking cats? Well, there was these two adorable kittens that were just fucking living outside. And they weren't, they were sort of like, you know, eight year old kid cats. They were like that side. They weren't kittens. They were like fucking big. They were out, you know, they were on their own.

Okay. And they were hanging around and then they disappeared and then they came back and they were over here for like three days. And we were trying to get them into like a cage or whatever. These fucking things were just, you couldn't get anywhere near them. They hissed, they growled. I mean, these fucking things were like little bobcats, right? Feral, I believe they call them. So they left and I had heard a noise and I was thinking the worst, you know.

Coyote got him or a fucking raccoon or some shit and he had given up hope. You know, two weeks had gone by. Hadn't seen him two and a half weeks or something like that. And the other day I was making breakfast and all of a sudden I hear my wife go, oh my gosh, she goes, bill, bill, bill, bill, look, look, they're back, they're back. And they were right at the back door, cutest ever. Meow, meow. Doing all that shit.

We're like, holy shit, right? So fucking, you know, gave him some salmon, some anchovies, right? They're not too into the anchovies, but you know, fed them and shit. And I'm trying to coax them, you know, trying to get to know them. And they're just like, you know, not afraid of me, but not letting me come, you know, near enough to, to, I don't know, pet them or whatever and gain their trust. So anyway, whatever. So now they're back in our lives.

All right. So I drive my daughter to school and I'm on my way up. I'm going to go fly a helicopter right going to solo it. So I keep the confidence up. I know what the fuck I'm doing. And as I go up there, all of a sudden my wife texts me, she says, call me. So I call her and I pick up the phone and she is sobbing. Absolutely sobbing.

And I said, what's the matter? What's the matter? She said, one of the cats got hit by a car and is dead. She goes, it's laying in the road all mushed up. It's disgusting. We got the people doing some work on the house. I had him shovel it up so our daughter won't see it. She was absolutely sobbing.

She just goes, it's just so I just can't believe something could be there. And then a second later, it's just gone. It's just dead. And I'm on my way to solo a helicopter. She's just like, hey, I hope I didn't mess up your day. So she was bummed out. I was ridiculously bummed. We both were so fucking sad because even the little interaction, we fell in love

with those little fucking cats, right? So anyway, I go out. I fly around, you know, go up to like Magic Mountain. Having a good time up there, come back, land and everything and end up coming back. So now it's like, well, now we got to save the other one. Got to make sure we got somehow. So just so happen, we had a friend over. That's a cat person.

She had a cage. I don't know what the fuck I was doing. Probably doing a podcast. I don't know what I get a text message from my wife saying that her friend caught the cat. It's in the cage. She knows where to take it. So I'm like, great. I don't know.

I didn't know that yet. She goes, so now the cat is in a cage in my house. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, my wife is allergic. My daughter's going to fall in love with the cat. And then what the fuck is going to happen? All right. Somebody's getting up crying or somebody's getting up sneezing. So I go, boy.

So I end up getting in the house. Turns out her friend knows what to do. So I start to bring the cat out, you know, in the cage or whatever. And it's sort of, you know, getting a little fucking antsy or whatever. And then when I get outside, it starts freaking the fuck out. I mean, all of the cage jumping up, coming up. And I got to like set it down so it doesn't claw my fingers. I know this thing doesn't have a shot.

So I started dragging the cage and the bottom plastic thing moved. I didn't realize it. So my friend had like these gloves and she goes, all right, let me just pick it up with the gloves. We picked it up and it was just a little bit of a hole and that fucking thing took off. And I was just like, all right, that's it. Forget it. It's over. All right.

We lost that cat to the streets. That fucking thing is like this thing turned into a fucking bobcat. The second we got out, who's scared, it didn't trust us. We put it in a cat. I don't think we'll ever see the thing again because as much as it was getting free salmon, you know, it also got put into it. It's, you know, cat Guantanamo. So we haven't seen the thing since, but I can guarantee you this.

That thing is not going to have a fucking problem other than cars surviving. Neither one of them did. And that's what I was thinking. I didn't see them. I saw one and then all of a sudden three weeks later, I saw two. Then we didn't see him for three weeks and then they came back and they never looked hungry. So they were killing something out there. And I'm sure there was other people feeding them in the fucking neighborhood,

but I don't have any worries about that cat anymore. That fucking thing. I don't know what that thing. It has earned its stripes. Jesus Christ. I can't even tell you how much that thing fucking wigged out when I brought that thing out of the goddamn house. I was like, easy, buddy.

Easy. Okay. Easy kitty. Easy kitty. This thing's like, wham, wham, wham, wham, jumping out, you know, hissing at me, doing all of this shit. Like I will fucking murder you freckles. If you don't get me out of this fucking cage right now.

And I don't know. Once a cat is feral, can you like make the thing like a, like a regular cat? You know, something just, you know, chilling out. Sitting on your fucking head as you watch Colombo. I don't know. I don't know what the deal is with that thing, but uh, I feel horrible. It was the fucking worst goddamn day. When the other one got squashed out in the fucking road.

And then I thought for half a second, I was like, oh my God, did I do it? Cause it happened to me. So I looked under my car. I made sure I didn't have any blood on my tires or anything on the day. So I had nothing. But there you go. So that's the end of it. And now if the cat comes back, I'm not feeding it because that thing is fucking.

That thing, I respect that thing now. It's just, I mean, I loved it before. I was like, oh, you need my help. You don't need my help. It's got fucking four Freddy Kruger hands and it is ready to use them. Plus its mouth and it growls. This thing's like, all right. And you know what's funny is there's going to be a cat person out there going, you

know what you should have done? You know what, you go fucking do it. Okay. Cause I don't know what I should do and it's not my job to be a fucking expert in everything. All I know is I did what I thought I should do and I almost got fucking clawed up by this fucking thing. So, you know, if you want to feel bad for something, feel bad for the birds in this

fucking neighborhood. Cause that thing is going to be, there's going to be some bird cops like with fucking little tax and yarn trying to figure out the kill zone that they need to stay out of with that thing around. Um, much respect. All right. So I'm doing this podcast Tuesday night, not, not necessarily cause I want to gloat about the Patriots victory.

Um, I'm not gloating about it. I'm just fucking psyched that I was right. Um, I actually, I just literally got my booster shot about an hour ago. So, you know, it gives me the option. If I get a little sick, I don't have to do the podcast. And then I also have the option is that if I don't get sick, which I don't think I'm going to get too sick cause I didn't get too sick the other two times. Um, I can kind of play it off like, oh, you know, I got the booster, man.

I could just fucking chill out in my bed. You know, kind of whispering this like if my wife couldn't hear this, you know, like she doesn't have the ability to listen to a podcast. Um, yeah. I went in and I got the shit done. It was fucking hilarious. I got the boosted shot and I'm sitting there. And then all of a sudden I just hear this down the aisle.

I just hear this guy go, shit, fuck. And I was just like, all right, you know, everybody just sort of stands around. It's really amazing what you can do in public and the amount of people that just aren't going to do shit. You know, you always think I can't do something like that or I'm going to get thrown out of the fucking store immediately. Everybody just sort of stood around like, okay. Is that the end of it?

Is that a frustrated parent? That's what I was thinking. And then I just hear it getting louder and louder. The dude had a radio. I forget the song. It was funny because it was one of those inspirational songs. He had that on and I see a security guard walking him out and he's saying to the security guard, yeah, I bet your mother's proud.

I bet she's real proud of you. And I was thinking, well, yeah, I'm sure she is. What is she proud of you? Shoving fucking toothpaste down the front of your sweatpants. You fucking asshole. But, you know, he let him go. We just just get out of here. Whatever the fuck it is you're doing.

So he must have caught him stealing some aftershave or some shit. Shit. Fuck. You know, let's sir. You mind putting that back? He's just walking him out. I bet your press. I got a little show.

I got a little show. So anyway, I ain't doing shit for the next 24 hours. Another upside of this. I'm supposed to drink water. They feel a little queasy. Take a little Tylenol. So whatever, we'll see what happens. I just had my blood worked out.

I still have to fucking anybody. So I think I'll be pretty good. Let's do some of the reads here for for the week here. Oh, by the way, I got another like, you know, major like. I don't know. I want to I want to buy a fucking dirt bike just because I learned how to ride a motorcycle. I don't want to forget how to do it.

And if I've ever been a movie, my character has to drive one down the street. I don't have to have the stuntman do it. You know, it's one of those fucking things, right? So I just want to get a dirt bike, you know, I got a place where I can keep it. This is the big fucking area where I can drive it. But I just know I'm going to wipe out at some point.

I'm going to fuck my leg up and it's going to be right before I have acting work or I have to go do a show. But I was looking them up there. Fuck some of those things are fucking expensive. You know, I was here that KTM is the best. I look those fucking things up. Those things are ridiculous. KTM dirt bike.

Let's see what these things. Yeah, yeah, those things. Let's see what let's see where the classic old Honda goes for. You know, although I, you know, motor GP, I always root for the Ducati's not motorcycle Honda. Killed you motherfucker. Finally that same fly from the other fucking day. Mosquito dead, dead, done.

See you Honda dirt bike. See what these things go for. You want a two stroke? You want a full stroke? I will take the old man four stroke. It's cleaner for the environment and then also, you know, it's not super fast. Well, there's one for 900 bucks on Amazon.

That can't be real. Are you kidding me? Signature series, full system, stainless steel muffler. There is no fucking way you can get a dirt bike for $900 on fucking. Wait a second. The Yasha Murra. Why is there always numbers 225840R520RS90 signature

series, full system, stainless steel muffler. Oh, it's a muffler. There you go. You got to read the whole thing. It's like no fucking way. It's like Jesus Christ. Amazon's just giving him away. All right.

Here we go off road Honda. Okay, we'll go trail. I don't need competition. I'm gonna be on fucking ESPN. They should have that. The dads of dirt bikes every trail. All right, there's the little one for the kid. Here we go.

Yeah, they're like 10 grand. A 450 though. All right. So a 125 is 3600 bucks. I got it. My ego has to get me. I have to get a 250 at least. That's like five grand, five grand.

You got five grand. Remember that 16 candles? I heard the grill alone cost five grand. Um, I'd love to teach my kids how to ride, but then I'd be afraid that they'd actually get a motorcycle. Um, all right, let me see this fucking thing. You guys literally listen to me build my fucking dirt bike that my wife won't let me get.

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from a couple of you guys from Beijing mainland China. I've got a few from I want to know this like we got that always to have that expression like a Chinese fire drill just totals you know racist thing what jokes do you have about Americans about white people specifically come on I want to hear them I want you to write in what you guys say there's got to be some jokes about how we don't fucking make anything over here anymore there's got to be

some jokes about there's always jokes about fucking you know you know vaginas are horizontal or whatever come on I want to hear I want to hear some of your ignorance this is what will exchange during the holidays oh it's beginning to look a lot like 2001. The New England Patriots are nine and four. They started off two and four. How do you start six games in the season.

I don't know but it works for this voice. We are now the number one seed in the AFC for the playoffs does that mean anything means we get home if the season ended ended today we would had home field. Remember everybody all excited when Tom Brady left and they act like Bill Belichick left to the act like Bob Kraft left. All right. We still got we still got a fucking run in us.

We're smart too not like everybody says no I mean I'm I'm excited because I gotta be honest with you I was like numb when Tom Brady left all of last season. I wrote it for Cam Newton and I lied to myself that I was okay with the fact that the dude left all right and then this year it settled in like fuck he's gone. He's gone. I gotta learn out of him.

And it's like all right. We got this kid Mac Jones. Bill Belichick is excited about him he's letting him start that's a good I that's a that's a good sign and hung in it but I never would have thought in a million years as great as Bill Belichick is and I would never think that we would be where we are right now so I am very excited much to the chagrin of all the other fucking sports fans in the NFL out

there they all you know for the most part you guys fucking hate us but I am a happy Patriots fan so fuck all of you. We're coming back and we got as good a shot as anybody man I'm getting too excited. I just thought it was going to be like a three year build you know with Mac Jones to get to where we are right now. All right. That's it who knows a month from now we could drop four in a

row and that could be the end of our fucking season. I don't know. I have no idea. All right whatever. I got my Christmas shopping done which isn't real isn't I got all of the people in my life done but then my nieces and nephews I got a fucking handle that shit and get them like you know I'll tell you what's underrated getting a gift coming

home and wrapping it. Okay and just you put it to bed you put this shit to bed or you let it pile up one way or the other and then you wrap them half boozed you know any kids start thinking about drunk elves or whatever they still believe in all of that shit. I don't know so I have a few I have a few to add here and I just got my third microchip shot into me according to the people who aren't sheeple.

That's what they think maybe it was a third of a microchip a third of a microchip and now the third one. You know isn't three is three a magic number is that a saint panic number. Let me just check this out now that I've signed myself over to the devil. Let's see what let's see what we got here is three and evil number.

All right let's see what we have here evil numbers. Oh look at this evil numbers. Little witchy woman for you very little okay the first evil numbers are what is this kid in number theory and evil number is a non negative integer that has an even number of ones in its binary expansion always that what it is. Oh my God integer I'm going to break out in a fucking rash I haven't heard that word since I integer to me means hopeless

these numbers give the position of the zero values in its in the Thou Morse sequence and for this reason they have also been called the Thou Morse set non negative integers that are not evil are called odious numbers. I'm going to see what the Thou Morse sequences hey guys remember that Thou Morse sequence if you're going to go to a bar in Cambridge near Harvard there's some shit you could fucking in mathematics the Thou Morse sequence or prohet

Thou Morse sequence is the binary what is binary that there was a sexuality a bit stream also known as a binary sequence it's a by stream is a sequence of bytes then I got to look up bytes and it just never ends it's like a fucking humble. Fuck it I don't know what it means the binary sequence an infinite sequence of zeros and ones. Obtained by starting with zero and successively appending the Boolean. Okay fuck this I just tell you what the evil numbers are the first evil

numbers are 0 3 5 6 9 10 12 15 17 18 20 23 24 27 20 it's like fucking all of them 30 33 34 36 39. All right. I'm going to go back and I'm going to name athletes that were all these numbers to see if I can go up to 39. Zero that would be Jason Tatum three Babe Ruth five Joe DiMaggio six who the fuck war six.

I'm trying to think Yankees here because all those single numbers are gone at this point. I have no idea who oh Bill Russell fucking idiot I am number nine Oh Teddy ballgame Ted Williams number 10 Fran Tarkington number 12 Roger Stabak number 15 but. Number 17 Jim Hart. Number 18 was I always get these confused that was Peyton Manning.

Number 20 Billy Sims 23 Michael Jordan. 24 I don't know 27 Mike Crucial Niskey 29 J. Miller. Number I can't do to know 24 Terry O'Reilly what am I out of my fucking mind number 30 Chris Nyland 33 Larry Bird 34 was that Kevin McHale 36 Jerome Bettis 39 Sam Bamp Cunningham go fuck yourselves I have no life. All right that's it everybody we have coming up next we have a bonus not a bonus we have a we have the bet MGM we're me and

Paul Versey if you ever want to learn how to live life you got to listen to Paul Versey nobody understands what is important in life the way Paul Versey does. I am married because of that guy he's the one that talked me off the fucking ledge I was a jumper and he got me to go back in the window now I have a great life thanks to him so listen to this clip will do our NFL picks for week 15 I think 1415 I don't know what it is at this point so check it out hope

you enjoy it. All right everybody what's up we are back with our week 14 NFL preview and as you guys know we have teamed up here and anything better with bet MGM and it's been amazing the most reliable lines we're having such a good time using the bet MGM lines make all of our picks with them okay and we'll have special offers if you make all of your picks with them we'll have special offers for our listeners each week and bet MGM

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and Louisiana get ready because that is coming for you as well guys just download the bet MGM app use bonus code B-U-R-R you're getting money to have a good time with us now let's get into the NFL preview right when Paulie thought he was gaining some traction everybody Paulie was looking at his games he's gone off three and one and sure enough Bill was right there next to me going three and one I gained fucking zero I am running out of time folks I did you think you were

gaining on me I had the Thursday game I was one and oh that's true you did that one was the one where I was like oh dude he's definitely gonna go at least two and two I don't know dude I thought last week was gonna bet dude we spanked the book last week we went fuck combined six and two people six and two right now if you want winners yo uh watch this week we'll go oh and eight you know what that's never happened if that happens we gotta have a name for that yeah we do I am back to

five hundred I am twenty six and twenty six bill continues to hold a three and a half game lead twenty nine twenty two and one and now we are curious three and a half game lead I have not felt good about my picks in a month um but now we are on another week uh and and I see the lines here Bill we're on actually it's an even week so I believe that we are all caught up with who goes first and I believe Bill goes first this week because it's week is it week 14 all right I'll tell you

who I like I'm gonna take the Seattle Seahawks at Houston minus seven and a half I think Russell Wilson is healthy I think uh you know Pete Carroll's got pride up there they they got a lot of losses they want to finish the season strong Houston at this point what are they what are they they're playing for a fucking draft pick I say they go in there and they kicked it they kicked the the pintar right out of them yeah they take those trash cans the Astros left are laying

around they put it over their heads and they fucking bang it with a wooden spoon dude you went after that game so fast I picked I picked against the Texans last week it was 31 nothing oh man the Texans have been a gift that I did not take advantage of that's not true though that's not true Houston and Jacksonville with the two teams do you think are a gift and then I don't know where they fuck you and they beat the bills they did they cover all right well if there was gifts

we'd have a better fucking record although our records pretty great against the spread records pretty good dude after 13 weeks come on dude if we were picking the money line we'd have a network gig right now we'd be sitting here wearing fucking sport coats I'm taking the Tennessee Titans given 8 and a half to the Jacksonville Jack fucking asshole off a bye week they're coming off a bye week I think they're playing Jacksonville come on they're playing Jacksonville they're

well come on man you just picked a team that's playing the Texans I'm mad you took my pick it's a great pick there's nothing to do with you it has to do with my emotions I'm sorry I stepped all over you good Paul no no no no I'm taking the Tennessee Titans I love them I love them home and I love them after a bye week eight and a half's a lot of points but I think they win that game by at least 10 all right I'm going to take my Arizona Cardinals oh you've been right now rivalry

I've been riding them all year minus two and a half hosting your Los Angeles Rams oh that's a good game that's going to be a great game I like them at home Paul I like it home Rams they're fucking erratic you know last week they fucking had a big win they beat the shit out of somebody was a Houston was a Houston who do they beat last week they beat the shit out of somebody so I think you know they're strutting around they probably banged a couple of celebrities when they got back

to LA you know they're going to take their foot off the gas a little bit before they realize that Kyler Murray is going to have them up by 10 points all right well I'm going to do something here I hope I'm going to do something here I'm not that comfortable with but I think their seasons completely on the line and the line indicates that that so there's a desperation in this game I'm taking the San Francisco 49ers beating Joe Burrow again back to back weeks Joe Burrow is going

to take an L I think San Francisco it's now or never I'm taking Jimmy G and the San Francisco 49ers get in a point it's basically a pick them I think it's the 49ers season so I'm going to take that oh I was thinking about taking Cincinnati I don't know but you know what my next one I don't know about this game because they might be going to their third string quarterback the New Orleans Saints minus six and a half at the Jets is interesting to me I don't know I think this is

fuck it I'm going to take the Saints given six and a half he's actually at five and a half now five and a half all right five and a half beautiful I'll take it at five and a half even better all right which means a bunch of people I think I think and that that kid that runs all over the field but this other kid that they're they're third string kid sort of a Drew Brees six foot guy can run around makes things happen he takes pride in his accuracy I mean those are the kinds of

things Paul that when you're playing the Jets in New York you can get me more than five and a half old freckles I live in Paul limping over the finish line I like when you go making money for you I'm going I'm going to ride this again dude I'm taking there they're hitting a stride right now I'm taking a Washington I'm taking Washington at home against boys against the Cowboys getting four they have back to back

wins they're in the wild card hunt Ron Rivera's got those teams playing that kid Heineck he's playing good teams got confidence and I don't know you're a henchy it's Heineck he that's Heineck he got Heineck he um I'm going to take Washington getting four at home I think Paul what are the Heineck keys of the game the Heineck keys of the game are keeping it close with the running game and controlling the clock and I think if Dallas does win that game I think they

win by a field goal and I sneak out a win by a point all right I got a crazy one this week Paul oh boy and this might make us come right down to the wire I'm taking a chance on this one I'm going to take the Buffalo Bills getting three in Tampa if you weren't fucking texting you be like what I'm not texting I'm looking at the games I would never be texting during this I don't know I saw your thumbs moving what are you

getting outside help you calling a fucking and I'm looking at going to lifeline out there Paul you getting desperate Mr. High steppin in fucking October I took exception to that you really poke the bear when you said that Bill the Bills plus three they had a fucking just a stupid loss last week against the Patriots as great as that was a win masterpiece I mean you're literally playing a game where you kick a field goal and it's good and it gets blown

away I mean what the fuck are we talking about here I think they're pissed I don't think the rest of Tampa Bay is going to play up to Tom Brady standards I think they're all the much no matter how much Tom yells at him I think they're a little too fucking satisfied about last year and the Bills are like Jesus Christ are we going to fucking let this city down again I think they go down there and they fucking win the game outright

and I'm sticking with all right dude this isn't I don't know do the fourth game this late in the season stuff I don't know man I love the Packers I love the Packers but that's a lot of points and part of me is should I go head to head with you and take the Bucks but I think the Bills are desperate to I don't know what you see like you you sit there going like dude I'm fucking taking the Packers put it in the bank

I mean they're they're playing the best in the NFC I know but they're playing out there they got to win by two touchdowns you said that they're going to the Super Bowl you said put it you said put it in the books it's done they're going to the Super Bowl they're playing the best football that's not a fucking insane pick no text to me last night like you had inside information no no what do you mean

you said put it in the books it's already in the books they're the favorite I mean is anything in the books we don't know if anything's I mean you're saying put it in the books all of a sudden I thought I was getting inside information I was like wait a minute that they're fucking crushing it wait but aren't the Tampa Bay Bucks number one in the NFC at nine and three Oh are they I don't know I got kids and what about

no I don't even know I couldn't even name the divisions right now Paul somebody told somebody said something great last night they go how come nobody's talking about the Cardinals going to the Super Bowl for the NFC and that's another thing but I don't know I'm I'm I just don't know Bill I'm just not blown away by that coach and is someone who hasn't played organized football except

for two weeks in August in third grade like I have a lot of concerns about as a stand-up comedian I I'm I'm calling an audible here man this is not good dude you realize how great it would be if the Packers go because then like you'll have all football fans and then you'll have waxed versus unvaxxed people also watching the Super Bowl wanting the vaccinated quarterback of the AFC

to beat the unvaxxed and vice versa I mean the whole fucking country's going to be watching I mean if people are that fucking if people are going to turn it into that we talk about Paul that's all they've done with sports sports used to be an escape now every week I'm fucking watching somebody with Lyme disease crawling across the 50 yard line to flip a coin just a reminder people are suffering

enjoy the game I'm taking Green Bay laying 12 putting his dick on the table I'm taking Aaron Rodgers and the Packers they're playing the Bears and they need home field they need home field throughout the playoffs if they're going to beat the bucks they're going to fucking lay it on them.

I think that the quarterback is hurt for Chicago Chicago so let's go they beat him by two touchdowns there you go Andrew don't he owns the Bears he set it himself on national television. Can't put in the tip and Green Bay both and the top of their division if I we guys asking. Yeah that might who's who's the number one seed though. Um gives a shit it's the fucking right to the card is the

Cardinals their tenors are the number one seed. I like it that's right you just disrespected him I heard Kyla Murray watches this podcast I didn't hear that but I hope he does so I hope he's feeling some type of way about that pick you just slapped a future MVP of the league in the face Paul well listen in the face he's good but oh don't tell me don't tell me don't tell me don't tell me yes face America come into America there you go in when they were at the St.

John's game yes in the face. All right Bill you know what the time it is. Oh you know what time oh let the Monday night special it's the Monday night special some money for you and this week is the Los Angeles Rams at the Arizona Cardinals and the line is two and a half by the way our apologies not that we owe apologies but what could we do with the last Monday night special when the wind is blowing the Patriots throw the ball a

couple times the other team throws a ball a couple times there was nothing to really I mean by the way Paul did I call that game or did I call that game you call that hey man you call that game and not only that the first thing your first instinct was what under under under you know somebody actually placed a bet it was $10 it was a $50 to win 10,000 and what they did was they bet they put together a parlay and it was all the unders for receivers figuring it was going to be you

know not a lot of balls put in the air so they took all the unders for every receiver what they're expected to get put 50 bucks and they want 10 grand wow so what a smart what a smart thing you're really just kind of blew my I knew who was going to win the game out of the water I was all excited about that then that guy comes along listen to that needle I came out and I hit a giant beach ball that was coming at me and this guy fucking you just turn around or what do you think good for him

man Kyler Murray running for 50 or 45 Kyler Murray for as much as he runs is not what people think he he is he definitely rolls out he's he's like a even faster Doug Flutey if you watch Doug Flutey play he ran a lot of the times but he didn't like run down the field so I know he does do that but he a lot of times you know out of the tallest guy so he's just getting away from the trees so he can see what's down the field so 50 is a lot of yards and I also think the ramp the Rams have a

good defense I like 45 more than I like 50 not going to win as much money but you're going to win Kyler Murray to rush for 45 yards I love and then that that fucking Cooper Cup or whatever the fuck his name is no my God that guy always he always has like 9000 catches I'd be honest I don't know what okay I how about this what about a sack they got one of the best front fours out there they got JJ Watts they got Chandler Jones JJ Watts out for the year wish I knew that before I bet

Arizona this week what happened to him now he's been hurt idea he's out man I think he's out about Matthew Stafford Matthew Stafford's having a good year right he's got Odell now Odell's got back to back games in a touchdown he's got his having Odell in advantage seems to seems that the last two weeks he's been a choir boy catching touchdowns but I think that's how those guys are yeah they're in a new relationship hey can I get I get the door for you sure I love that kind of movie

to and then he smacks a shit out of you date 9 yeah you didn't put enough butter on the popcorn I like Chandler Jones to get a sack I like Kyler Murray to get 45 yards and then I like something for Matthew Stafford I say Matthew Stafford throws throws so Bill said Cardinals two sacks will go with that you want to go Matthew Stafford throwing two or one I don't want him to throw any I bet the fucking Cardinals all right so we'll go Matthews well he's got that Cooper Cup that son of a

gun runs all over these I don't want to bug out there Paul he's gonna throw one so let's go Matthew Stafford throws one the Cardinals get two sacks and what do you want the third what do you want the third one to be but with Kyler Murray he's gonna run in for a touchdown there you go all right everybody that is the end of our week 14 preview I hope you guys enjoyed it and again please sign up to bet MGM for all of their reliable lines by using bet MGM lines we can actually give you

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and after that we will have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast from a Thursday a little while ago all right that's it I have a great weekend your cunts and I'll talk to you on Monday morning podcast from Monday December 9th 2013 how you doing how are you how's your weekend how's your Christmas shopping oh my god there's so many people to buy for this not enough time what am I gonna do you know what you're gonna do just

bake them a fucking cake all right you walk right up and you mush it right in the fucking cunt happy holidays fuck all you you know that's the only reason why you like me you're gonna judge me on my goddamn gifts like a gift for you it's right there you got frosting in your pubes all right who else does that for you nobody and now you know now you know who really cares about you sorry I'm gonna grumpy fucking mood I'm having a great time over here still still in

Europe I'm I'm in the Emerald Isle Ireland I'm in Dublin Ireland tonight. I just landed this morning already called the opening Anthony guys to announce the second annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit all the proceeds goes to his wonderful family his loving family and we're also going to give some money for victims of strokes it's just a great great benefit that we're doing again this year because so many people wanted to come last year we only did one show so

people still want to come out and also a bunch of other comics were like what the fuck bill how come you didn't ask me to be on it and I was like well listen you know I tried I did my goddamn best all right so we're doing it again this year and I'm just gonna keep fucking doing it hopefully as long as we can because that's what Patrice was doing he was taking care of his family so we're his friends and we're stepping up and goddamn it why don't you help us step up by buying a fucking

ticket well we will build but first why don't you tell us about all the wonderful talent that's on the show well goddamn it I'm gonna all right we have the wonderful Jimmy Norton Nick DePaolo David tell Colin Quinn Dane Cook talent myself Rich Voss Bonnie McFarlane Keith Robinson Robert Kelly Big J Augustine and Harris Stanton okay you think there's a better show out there well then goddamn it you go to it but if you don't come on down Tuesday February 18th 2014 tickets are

on sale right now we'll have the link if you follow me on Twitter I got that up there already and it's for a wonderful wonderful cause and it's becoming this great thing now we're just gonna be celebrating just our great friend and how funny he was and his unbelievable work and it's now also becoming kind of like a reunion thing it's it's really become a great thing so we'd love you to come down and share the experience with us while raising money for a wonderful

cause there you go and some of you have bitched to me going like dude why is it on a fucking Tuesday you know I got school the next day I understand that I apologize but you know if you want a great lineup of comedians you know to do a benefit Tuesday is the night when the most guys are in town most people have gigs on Saturday nights and that type of shit so most people are out of town so Tuesday night is is the night I picked because you know as much as you want to go

to this thing stand up comics want to be on the show because we all love the guy so that's why it's Tuesday night I know it's a bit of a pain in the ass but hey it's a god damn charity you're gonna bitch about charity all the comics are working for free okay so go fuck yourself one person who complained about that that it annoyed me so much that I felt like I needed to address it all right there we are now onto the podcast oh my god the place is that bad and the

things I say I can't remember if I if I just did this on open Anthony but even if I told you about it last week I need to warn you guys I went and I saw the Sistine Chapel and it is the Sistine Chapel I thought it was the 16 as in one six and I was sitting there with the lovely Mia as we were standing in fucking line that wasn't even that bad that bad because it was the winter time and basically this is the deal when you go into the the Vatican I guess the the the

ass end of the Vatican okay and I'm gonna I'm gonna really sidestep the easy joke there okay with all due respect to all the victims when you go into the anus of the Vatican you have two options when you go into the Sistine Sistine Chapel either go left you go right okay if you're wired like me go to the right you'll go right into the Sistine Chapel all right but if you're an unlucky dumb cunt like myself you go right left right fuck it I'm going left and I

went left and you go through the whole Vatican Museum and within there they have every vestment every fucking spatula every light bulb every fucking priest ever used and you're walking through it and just keep saying Sistine Chapel Sistine even though I still thought it was 16 because I'm a fucking idiot right so and every other room the ceiling is painted so you walk in you like is this it is this is this the Sistine no no keep going keep going basically by the time you get

through all the shit you don't even care anymore and then you walk in there and it's ridiculously small it's not nearly as big as they make it look on TV don't they make it look like it's you know would like take up the whole ceiling of your living room just that one picture of God sort of gingerly touching the other guy's finger it isn't it's just this little fucking thing that you could cut out of the ceiling and put under your arm bring it to all your friend's house one weekend

is that from the the 16 Chapel dude yeah it is so any of us worse is once you get in there and then you're looking and you start going like I signed that paper that you know what the fuck all the guards who are staying there just sit there shushing people the whole time you're in there and that's when the stand-up comic in me slash control free kicks and you're like all right you know what fuck you fuck this stupid picture and you silly outfits from 300 fucking years ago

all right you got every goddamn thing in this museum you got every fucking shoe every gold plated whatever you got everything about the Catholic Church in here except for the rape murder and the fucking pedophilia I didn't have the balls to say that because they're their own country they're a sovereign state as they say so as much as I wanted to say that aside from who's can do I didn't have the balls to say that or the where with all the think of that in that moment when I was being

shushed I didn't know what happens like what happens if you say something like that when you're on the Vatican grounds do they just kick you back into Italy you know what I mean or do they take you down into some dungeon and basically treat you like they treated a lot of little boys I couldn't resist sorry great no bunch of fucking Jesus freaks are gonna now if you're a Jesus freaking you still listen to this you're an asshole all right what you're an asshole

you know what you know what I think anyways let's plow ahead so so I mentioned I said 16 chapel to me what did I say to I said you know what this fucking line is so long already forget about in the summertime so you know we should do we should open a bar across the street I go we should call it the 17 chapel you know and she's looking at me like what are you talking about I'm like you know 16 chapel across street 17 chapel you know you get fucked up because your feet are

swollen from standing in the line for so goddamn long she just sort of cocked her head she's like Bill you realize it's a 16 chapel you realize that and I just smiled at her and then she just started laughing at me just realizing what a fucking idiot that she's decided to spend her life with and I'd love to tell you guys that that was just a joke that that's just a silly fucking anecdote it isn't it's a hundred percent fucking true I kind of knew it was

16 but it just became 16 in my head I have that same disease my dad has where for John Elway's entire career he called him John on way and you'd be like dad Elway Elway be like on what is it on way anyways this this John on way I'm telling you this guy he can he can run he can fast dad it's Elway I just let me finish let me finish this guy you know so I think I inherited that from him I don't know if I don't hear well I'm so wrapped up in my own thoughts as Nia would

suggest but either way somewhere along the line it became the 16 chapel to me that doesn't even make sense to be the 16th every time I think I've hit like the bedrock of my stupidity right some else some else comes along anyways but since then I have left Italy sadly I left Italy the food was fucking unreal and you don't kill me no shit sorry about moving this around here oh is that is that my shirt making all that fucking noise I thought that was just in my ear God damn

it how about now is that better I can move around there we go I'm literally laying here with a fucking pad of paper under my recorder this is so stupid I don't know I'm just I'm not funny sitting down I gotta be laying down or standing up all right I'm not walking around for an hour and a half in a fucking hotel room I can't believe all of that had that scratch underneath and I thought it was in the headphones I thought there was a bug in there like in Star Trek when

they crawled into that guy's fucking ear remember they dropped those little maggots in there was terrifying anyways plowing ahead so I leave Italy and I fly up to I'm on my way to Glasgow so I have to connect in Amsterdam and as you fly up I saw the entire west coast of Italy it was insane and I just watched that World War two documentary and I was thinking of all that stuff you know the soft underbelly of the Nazi Europe and they came in here and rather than going into this

one part they came in the southern part they had to fight through the fucking mountains and that's all I'm thinking and you look down from the air so much of it like it's really impressive like even I'm sure there's a zillion people over there like how much of it is still those green fields so when you look down it looks like World War two footage except now it's in full color like I have expected us to start dive bombing and strafing some poor bastard trying to run into the

fucking tree line and you fly over the Swiss Alps and then right on up and it was just fucking incredible have a goddamn face pressed up against the glass like some eight year old on his first trip I really have a geek for this travel stuff man it's it's it's awesome so landed in Amsterdam get all the way up to Glasgow connected no fucking problems no nothing and people in Scotland they're cool they're cool as hell you show up fucking lady checking me in was going to my show that

night but there's a guy checking me in but the other the other lady who was working there you know most countries you go into they're looking at you like you're a fucking terrorist you know even though you look like Ron Howard they always go where you're staying I don't fucking know what are you going to call me where I'm staying in a fucking hotel how long you hear I'm here for a day oh really well you're only here for a day for okay to blow the whole fucking place so what do you

think we think I'm here for can't you see the sad clown in front of you what do you think I'm doing here I'm just as pasty as you you dumb fuck let me in your country right then I like that then I like that at all up in Scotland they don't give a fuck like oh that's that freckled cut I'm going to see today at the fucking the shit shack down the street so anyways went down did the did the show work with this hilarious guy Gary little opened up for me the guy was a fucking riot great

guy and afterwards I hung out with him and Kevin Bridges had a bunch of fucking you know drank whiskey scotch whatever the fuck we were drinking just had a great night talking comedy and all that type of thing so I want to thank everyone who came out to that show it was just great man it was amazing like seriously when I was on stage and like Scotland I didn't I didn't feel like I was outside of the United States except a couple times I said a couple of dumb things but you

know I thought they would get whatever making fucking baseball references stupid right so that one went great next day kind of had a little bit of a delayed flight flew down to Amsterdam that one was awesome had a bunch of people came in from Germany and Belgium telling me I should do shows there so maybe I'll add those the next time it was just awesome and actually spent an extra day in Amsterdam and I was trying to be mature enough to not go down so I can move this fucking

thing I was trying to be mature enough not to go down to the Red Lake district you know right across the street where I was staying from was the Vincent van Gogh Museum so I'm like alright I'm gonna give another museum another chance because I get anxiety when I go into museums because I go in there and it's all this smart shit in there and I could give a fuck after the first exhibit like I literally just want to run through the place and get out of there and but I went to the

Vincent van Gogh one and I absolutely loved it I loved it for the first time I think actually appreciated art and I hate to say this I think half of the reason was I went by myself there was nobody else there so I didn't have to I'm always like 20 miles ahead of anybody who I go to a museum with you know those fucking people go to museum with and they actually get the fucking the headphones and the recorder and they just go from exhibit to fucking exhibit they got to

watch every goddamn film and I I don't I should respect people like that but I don't I hate them so anyways I went to the Vincent van Gogh Museum it's insane they just have his paintings hanging on the fucking wall that just sound dumb I don't know it was always a zillion miles away to me right so I'm looking at them and as amazing as they were I was still in and out of there in 35 minutes and that includes going to the gift shop I walked in and the first thing I saw

was he drew a picture of like he was taking this art class and he had to draw like a picture of like the skeleton or something like that a painting draw a picture paint the fucking human skeleton so he painted it and in the end he put a cigarette in its mouth is like a fuck you to his teacher so immediately I like this guy I like this guy is not some goody two shoes right you forget to say in his homework he's not that guy right he's the guy who's gonna

have the fake ID and go get you some booze in the fucking late 1880s so I looked at all of his shit and I really liked it there you go that's as deep as I can say I didn't really like his chalk period he's painting with chalk or whatever the black and white shit I wasn't into but the thick paint with the lines I was into that it was great the furthest step back the more it looked like what the fuck he was painting then when you got up close look like a bunch of lines how do you do

that you know he can't stand 40 yards away with a long paint brush they didn't have that technology back in the 1880s they didn't don't even tell me they did you know they look closely at his paint he had a bunch of sand and leaves in it guy was out of his mind the only thing I don't like is me cut his ear off I don't like that part you know it's a dumb thing to cut your ear off for although some people would say love is the most important thing in life but you know

what it's not worth turning yourself into Marvin Nash you like Mr. blonde and Marvin Nash all at the same time Jesus Christ is fucking horrific alright 17 minutes and let's do let's do a little bit of advertising here alright hang on a second hang on a second you know I got a decent review on a show I did over here in Europe and someone was trying to say that I pretend to be stupid and I just started laughing I was like if that person never heard me try to read out loud they

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a little plus mate hulu plus you've probably tried hulu.com now with hulu plus you can watch your favorite shows anytime anywhere hulu plus let hulu plus let you watch thousands of hit TV shows and a selection of acclaimed movies on your television or on the go with your smartphone or tablet and all streams and what HD for the best viewing experience possible with hulu plus you can watch your favorite current TV shows like Saturday Night Live Community and Family Guy

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L L that's a special offer from my listeners make sure you use the hulu plus dot com slash bill so you get the extended free trial and they know that we sent you once again go to hulu plus dot com slash bill now or click on the hulu plus banner on the podcast page at bill burr dot com all right that wasn't too bad was it was that sort of painless the fuck did that take three minutes all right on back to the podcast here

what else did I want to talk about oh when I was over in England I really saw this crazy story when I went to London yeah they had a Marine over there guy named Alexander Blackman and he just got jailed for life for murder of an Afghani insurgent it's unreal basically what happened was I guess they shot

this insurgent guy and this guy Alexander Blackman walked up to him I gotta get the quote here what exactly did he say oh he just walked up to the insurgent as the guy was laying there I guess wounded and he shot him in the chest and said shuffle off this mortal call sorry shuffle off this mortal

coil you cunt it's nothing you wouldn't do to us and for some reason the fucking jerk off behind him had a camera in his helmet and they filmed it so now Britain has to act like they don't care that he did that now they have to act like they give a shit and that that's conduct unbecoming of a good fucking soldier if anybody can find a four second moment in any war in history where that that doesn't happen

you know they're talking about all on the other side when they catch these guys when they catch our guys they skin them alive and cut their fucking heads off so as far as I'm concerned that guy got off easy fuck him am I the only guy I saw pray saving private Ryan what happened when they let that guy go he came right back and started killing their guys

you sent him over there to kill the other guys and evidently he didn't do it in the proper fucking way you know he saved the British people money you don't have to feed that guy porridge anymore right it's war you train these guys to murder people

he goes out he does his fucking job he murders this guy and now what now you got to act like you're out range because it was filmed that guy got fucked over he got fucked over the same way the 49ers did when they played the Saints look I am not I'm not pro war I'm not but I'm also not a fucking moron okay you can't train people to do some shit like that

and stick them in those hellacious fucking environments where there really are no fucking rules regardless of whatever convention Geneva Convention or whatever bullshit that you signed give me a fucking break all right I don't think what that guy did was I don't think within the context of war

I mean morally is it right or wrong mean morally war isn't right I don't understand if he's actually was pinned down and he fucking shot that guy in the head they give them they give him metal I don't know the whole thing is fucking stupid they so the guy has to do at least 10 years and personally speaking I hope they send them to I was saying this an opiate Anthony this morning I hope they send that guy to the good fellas jail

you know don't don't put too many onions in the sauce right okay now we can eat right you know it'd be great if everybody around the world just quit every army that would be perfect and you just let these fucking nerds with their ties right in their beards and shit just let them have it out right

there's a fucking hacky thought am I writing the lyrics to a hippie song all the leaves are brown sorry oh fuck oh my god this fucking tour this tour is gonna be the death of me man I swear to god no it is I'm gonna tough tough my way through it because I just read the fucking new Bobby or book highly recommend highly recommend I'm thinking of everything

he said in that book and it's keeping me going I'm just focused on tonight's game here in Dublin I'm not thinking about how I have to fucking connect in a frail one more fucking time all the way over to goddamn Helsinki I'm not thinking about that shit that fucking flight might as well be 20 years in the future that's bullshit I wish I wish I believed in that

anyways what else well I guess I just brought up NFL football I did not watch a second of it yesterday I'm on the other side of the planet and I don't know what I was doing was trying not to get sick I guess I've been eating like shit and although I did get some I got some friendly emails from some Cleveland Brown fans

notifying me that the Patriots one here's one hey you red haired fuck I haven't you guys exhausted the red haired angle there's so many other things about me that are stupid looking that you could make fun of you know Jesus Christ enough with the fuck I get it hey there red balls I'm any fucking times you know I got a gigantic forehead you know I'm not going

to help you guys out you figure it out your one trick ponies all right hey red hey you read it fuck hope you're proud of the Patriots win nothing like cheating all day to get what you want Tom Brady's a sissy piece of shit Oh God I don't understand how people watch NFL football every week and they don't see what's going on

and they start blaming the other team you know didn't you see when the Patriots played the fucking who the hell do we play there the end of the game came remember we played that fucking game in the end of the game they didn't call the interference I mean how is everybody the fucking lead loves Tom Brady

fucking these patient interference calls your fucking bullshit it's it's happening to everybody all right you stupid fuck browns fan did you notice that the NFL settled out of court did you notice that that they settled out of fucking court to those those fucking those hits you understand that you understand that they're all about making money okay

if drew breeze is out if Tom Brady is out of Peyton Manning is out they lose fucking money so they are ridiculously protecting all of those quarterbacks and like in all sports the stars will get even more calls all right you dumb brown cunt okay and as far as the past interference calls if you're mad at that don't get mad at the Patriots get get mad at Jim Ursay and Peyton Manning who bitch mode

and complain and fucking Ursay spearheaded changing the rules of coverage you combine that with the fact that the NFL has hit their saturation point where there's no more sports fans left to watch the NFL so now they have to get people the casual fan the person who doesn't give a fuck okay if you don't give a fuck about the sports that's the sport that you know is on in the background the way to get people's heads to turn is scoring

so everything is about scoring now okay that pass interference call when I was growing up was called coverage that was great coverage two years ago or a year ago I know maybe two and a half years ago that was great coverage now that's considered pass interference it's absolutely fucking ridiculous it's a travesty I've said every week on this fucking podcast that it used to be the hardest thing to do in in in professional

sports in America anyways is to hit the curveball now it is trying to cover a fucking receiver all right you can't you can't hit him anymore you can't touch him you can basically run next to him but I think you have to hold your breath because you're not even allowed to breathe on with this fucking point

and now they got this thing you know you can no helmet to helmet so now they hit low and now guys like Grunkowski just got his knee blown out because the other guy on Cleveland like a two years two years ago that would have been a dirty hit why did he hit him so low now because of that settled out of suit thing you can't you know helmet to helmet had settled on a court thing I can't fucking talk I'm so jet lagged they got to go low

and all you fucking cunts on the internet who's sitting there saying that Grunkowski's made out of glass that's just so really you could take a defensive back going full speed into the side of your knee you can handle that you fat fucking cunts I'm glad your dreams didn't come true how do you like that that's right I came with no gloves no gloves on go fuck yourselves I can't even speak this fucking week what else did I see

Rose Bowl tailgate legend an awesome fucking comedian Joe Bartnick asked me if I saw the Bruins-Penguins game so I actually watched some of the highlights of that and you know that was very out of the out of character by Sean Thornton I don't obviously don't condone that I don't think he does either I don't know why he did that you know I know Marshawn just got hit Marshawn however the fuck he's supposed to say it now

but yeah I don't condone that either although I did find it funny all the Penguins fans not Joe but the other ones talking about dirty hits you know as they look the other way with the absolute fucking just some of the filthiest fucking people ever have played for the Penguins and they just look the other way you know Matt Cook all Sam you send all of those guys the amount of fucking careers those cunts ended

and none of the Penguins fans had any problem with it they got old Samuelson in their ring of honor now they're gonna bitch about Sean Thornton you know the fuck but having said that I don't condone whether it happens to my team or my team's doing it that's that's that's dirty play you know and he should be punished but I mean it's the only time I've ever seen him do something

like that now if he does it again then he's a dirty piece of shit which I know he's not gonna all right all right all right with that what else can I talk about what should I do here overseas sports I went to a premiere game premier football league game yesterday I went to Arsenal

first Everton and I guess Arsenal was heavily favored and it was an incredible experience it really was the the I guess the club itself I guess you would call it I don't like naming names on the podcast but they hooked me up with tickets through the promoter and we sat basically in the best seats in the house like the club seats the leather seats they gave me a little blanky for it went out there in case I got cold I took a picture of it with the

hashtag cozy smug cunt and I went out there and it was it was great listen to everybody singing the songs and shit but if if I lived in England I would definitely pick a team and I would go to the pub and learn all the songs and then I would go sit in the upper deck because who wouldn't want to get shit face standing up the whole game singing songs it looked great so anyways

it was zero zero or nil nil the exact fucking reason why Americans do not watch soccer or football whatever the fuck you want to call it and then finally but it was still beautiful fucking game to watch it really is it's a lot like hockey to be honest with you except that's you know it's on grass long story short Arsenal finally fucking scores

and the whole stadium breaks into this song about Arsenal I don't know they have this back in the day they used to always win one to nothing they go they score one goal and then like a bunch of cunts they just would all go back on defense and you couldn't score on him as the whole crowd would sing this song you know one nothing Arsenal and you know you're gonna fucking lose and all this shit so anyways

so they go up one nothing with like two minutes left and they all start singing the song the whole fucking stadium except for this one little corner that was for Everton and they get there into the second verse the whole place is singing they got their scarves out holding up going nuts big glowing fishing chips looks on their faces having a hell of a fucking time and when they're in the middle of the second verse Everton scored

hahaha Oh did it take the wind out of their fucking sales they went to the Everton people are going fucking insane somebody lit off like a little smoke bomb that had this blue smoke that was the cover of Everton I guess you're not supposed to do it the cops all came running over and I don't know they just told them to knock it off in America they would drag like two rows out beaten with

clubs but and then all the blue smoke just kind of went all over this one part of the stadium and that's how it ended one to one and I had a great fucking time and I highly suggest it if you highly recommend it if you come over to England you definitely got to go you got to go to one of those one of those games Premier League games it was fucking tremendous and I plan on going to many more and hopefully in the future but this is something that

I found out that was interesting was all the maniacs go to the soccer games and the rich cunts go to rugby who would have thought right or the posh cunts as they call them go to rugby I guess in England that makes no sense to me I would think that rugby would be like is it like an elitist sport I get that I was even talking to the cab driver this morning was I'm going in Ireland he was going yeah a lot of people

they go in to become doctors and something like that's like those guys do I don't fucking know is this is this even remotely fucking entertaining I have no idea I've been on a plane every fucking day for the last four days so I don't know what else how far into this podcast always a time for the yeah we got not yet not yet oh Jesus Christ Robinson know Robinson can oh got traded in traded he signed with the Seattle

fucking Mariners for more money why would why would you do that why would you go for playing second base with the New York Yankees he's going to get $190 million no 240 million I'm going to go play for the Seattle fucking Mariners and what the fuck at the Seattle Mariners thinking giving up all that goddamn money didn't they learn anything from the

Texas Rangers give it a $200 million contract to a fucking shortstop you're going to give a $240 million contract to a second basement you know I didn't rub it in with Paul Versey I know he's fucking devastated he was trying to say I'm not mad at him you know he's got to take the money to difference of $50 million I get it I get it maybe you get it that is a total slap in the face of the New

York Yankees that's not supposed to happen to the Yankees you know I don't know good on the Yankees to fuck him don't pay him all that fucking 190 million dollars and he leaves go ahead leave go out to Seattle have a good time losing Robbie yeah I don't think he's going to do shit out there although Seattle's talking a bunch of shit

you know this and we're not done yet we're going overpay for even more people see what the Yankees created and then the Red Sox supported Oh by the way big congratulations to the Seattle Seahawks fans for once again screaming mindlessly at a crowd scream a meter whatever the fuck you're doing out there congratulations on the plaque that was awarded to you that you'll probably have for like another two weeks before somebody else decides

they're going to break the record is any crowd failed yet when they've set their minds to screaming for the sake of fucking screaming you know some a lot of Seahawks fans think that I'm shitting on their team I'm not I have money on you cunts to win the Super Bowl in fact if you guys do not win the Super Bowl this year I feel it's a monumental failure because I don't see anybody

else in your way who's in your way nobody it's yours to fucking lose you got the best goddamn defense in the NFL defense wins championships you think you can't handle Peyton Manning huh and that fucking hat box head of his actually you have to wear a top hat

you can put a top hat on his head and it would like that you could just pull it all the way down the brim would be resting on his shoulders so what does that mean Billy's not a good quarterback now it doesn't it doesn't mean he's not a good quarter that's a hell of a point you just made and can I really just for one week just not shit on Peyton Manning anyways I think you guys are going to win it but that's stupid

loudest crowd thing I swear to God and I and in my heart of hearts I know this that real Seattle Seahawks fans when they're at the game they don't participate I know they don't the same way when I go to Red Sox game I don't sing sweet Caroline I don't buy the pink hats I don't buy any of that horseshit I don't even wear Red Sox shit now when I go to a fucking game

it's gotten so ridiculous so that's stupid loudest crowd record what it should be done is secretly they should be recording crowds if you really want to figure out which one is the loudest if you're going to throw out the acoustics of the building inside versus outside versus stadiums deliberately designed to be louder

because if you tell everybody they're coming down there with those fucking bullhorns alright hey Seattle fans fucking grow up okay keep your eye on the price don't blow out your voices you're going to win the Super Bowl this year okay then you can scream and yell then what are you going to do try to break your own record and give yourself another fucking plaque

oh everybody gets a ribbon alright that's my little cunty fucking bullshit for this week what do we got here let's continue on with some emails for this week fuck am I getting cold Jesus Christ little fact for the podcast hello Bill how are you doing

I was at your show in Amsterdam last week and it was a great show hope you enjoyed your time in Holland I did I had a great time oh I didn't mention I tried not to go down to the red light district but I had to do it you know how do you not look at hookers and windows it's unreal so I went down there by myself like a total fucking creep

and uh I looked at him and it's fascinating and sad and all of that and I actually saw one guy walking out when I was across the street and shit and it's just like that guy just fucked a woman, paid money and fucked her it's just the most bizarre thing ever

but they're really good looking you know as far as like a woman you got there was one unbelievable fucking gorgeous woman and she was so good looking she wasn't even looking out her window she was just sitting at her little desk you know just like look

you know you want to fuck me take your money out knock on the door but I'm not going to stand here at the fucking window alright this fucking recorder keeps moving around here

um and I also saw a skating rink when I was out there and they were playing this fucking insane music and they were skating around almost like this polka music I got to upload the video I swear to god all of that shit just sounds like Hitler Youth music to me

I don't know why let me see if I can play some of this for you I'm trying to find this video I sent it to everybody I knew called it Hitler on Ice hope you can hear this so this shit's going on as people are skating around I just came upon this

walking by myself in Amsterdam oh god sorry anyways let's get on with this thing since she where are we anyhow I wasn't sure if you were being sarcastic

when you stated Holland didn't have slavery I wasn't I didn't think you had I didn't think you guys had slavery a bunch of people corrected me oh that's right because I was in

alright let me set this up right before I read this email basically I was in Holland on December 5th and that was I guess that's Santa Claus's birthday not in Holland I guess just officially

that is Santa Claus's birthday Santa Claus was a legend allegedly Jesus Bill allegedly a real person they don't know when he lived and all that it's very Jesus like

but allegedly he's a real fucking guy December 5th is when he was born and they celebrate by dressing up like Santa Claus and essentially putting on blackface but it's supposed to represent

he's gone down every chimney in the city so he's got soot all over his face you know and as Nia was saying so wouldn't it be sort of streaked rather than put all over their fucking face it's blackface so

I was asking them about it going well you guys not doing it in like an offensive way I mean you guys didn't have slavery right and they had this big laugh and I thought that oh no they all went like no no no no

and I thought they meant like no no no we're so against slavery don't put that shit on me I guess I guess that was wrong so here we go here are the facts he goes since you are like me most of the time pretty unformed

it could be that nobody told you that ships from Holland transported about half a million slaves during the transatlantic slave trade in the 17th century I checked this shit out at Wikipedia so it must be valid that's hilarious

he goes actually the slave trade was one of the reasons that Holland flourished in the golden age as we call it so yeah we did play a role in this not really part of our history we're proud of you might ask yourself

why I wrote to tell you this it's because I'm a cunt that likes to tell people they are wrong I don't think you're a cunt I think that's great that you informed me of that so there you go not a righty then

but why would they go up like that well I guess because they couldn't make it diagonally across from Africa right although if you go straight across you kind of where are you at this point if you went straight across you'd be like in Aruba

maybe north of that I don't fucking know Cozumel well Bill you know do you have to reinforce every three minutes how dumb you are on this podcast oh fuck you fuck you with your brain

oh this is a reply to that 22 dating 16 year old oh no it isn't is it nor is it a reply to it anyways a few weeks ago somebody wrote in was saying that my

he was 22 or whatever I forget how fucking old he was all I know is his 16 year old sister was dating a 22 year old what should he do so I think somebody is responding to that I'm guessing

because it says re 22 dating 16 my dad started dating my mom when he was 22 and she was 15 gross his dad told him he could get in trouble

and advised him to stop my dad told him no it is legal as the age of consent is 14 or something here yeah you know when you're fucking somebody

that young you probably want to be a little more specific no it isn't the legal age is like 14 or something 14, 16

whatever split the difference she's 15 then you're fucking arrested he said anyways he said they ended up agreeing to go ask a lawyer

whoever was wrong had to pay my grandpa paid the lawyer fees and my parents have now been married for almost 30 years but if some 22 year old

wanted to date my 15 year old daughter I wouldn't have it yeah absolutely absolutely I don't even think that's a great thing that your parents

stayed together like that did your mom even get to see what was out there before she ended up being a dad Jesus Christ first restaurant

she walks into she's just like this is the best food ever it's never going to get any better than this I guess that's good for you right so you don't feel like

your mom's a whore but why would she be a whore why can't she go out and do what guys do I'll tell you why because when we do it it takes skill I mentioned that before

in this podcast a guy getting laid that's a skill a woman getting laid it's just gluttonous behavior it's not even this where is the challenge there is none

you can go down the fucking bar right now and have an entire bar on one if you wanted to right like what is impressive as a woman

for a guy if you get a 2 on 1 that's like the fucking brass ring what is impressive for a woman what are you going to have like a 15 on one and what is impressive about it that you could fucking

physically take it oh Jesus Bill that was just wow that was a whole another level of ignorance alright let's plow let's just plow ahead after that

fucking one 48 minutes in a Billy Red Billy Red Coppola Francis Ford Coppola Billy Red Coppola alright I'll go with that are you going to check out

any foreign films while you're overseas dude I can't even read advertising do you think I want to fucking watch a film having to look up and down like I'm fucking texting while driving

do you really think I want to do that listening to my stuttering voice in my head you're going to check out any foreign films while overseas I suggest you do

it's a trip seeing the cultural differences I lived in London and France and would check them out from time to time in case you don't make it here's what you're missing

tits derivative Benny Hill style slapstick derivative Monty Python dryness derivative theater drama the occasional dick and more tits some of it's great though so maybe you'll get lucky

I don't know what any of that means I guess there's a lot of tits occasionally show somebody's dick and they do a lot of Monty Python, Benny Hill type humor well I've already seen the originals you know why the fuck

would I want to go see that they've got to have something better than that don't they one of those fancy films that comes out at cans is it con? film festival? Wrath of con

alright Bill where's Lenny Bruce? Bill I'm not a stand up comic I'm not even a huge comic geek I am however a freedom of speech geek and comedians are the most important people

when it comes to this so why aren't comics who for the most part operate independently louder about what's going on I just read about a blog by a girl bashing Kurt Metzger

I don't, oh he's fucking hilarious he goes I didn't know who he was but I looked him up and he's really funny he makes good points about that stuff

the blogger just completely labels him completely labels him things he's not just because she can't understand his context you are outspoken about this and have been honest when asked

but why aren't people louder dude you're speaking very vaguely louder about what? just bitching about comedy or bitching about social issues he goes I don't mean to single out

so and so or so and so but they're in big positions to speak out against the stifling of the art doesn't anyone want to go down as the guy who's stepped up and articulated what they believe

it doesn't have to be malicious but with some charts and graphs you could explain it to people like that blogger Jim Norton debated I was just going to bring Jim Norton up

that they're missing the point well you know there is also you kind of hope it just goes away if you talk about it then they get like more hits it's really just like lazy reporting I saw when Jim debated that blogger

on Kamau show what the hell was it called they're totally biased and you know I thought she was you know

for all the ignorance that she was talking about like the general terms with which she defined stand-up comedy and comedians and all that like

and especially talking about how angry comics were I thought it was really ironic that she was sort of the epitome of all of that she seemed very angry she spoke very generally

about stand-up and really had no idea what she was talking about and I thought I said that didn't I say that on the fucking podcast I don't give a fuck about

look if somebody wants to go to a comedy club I've said this before if they want to go to a comedy club and take a comedian seriously they are well within their right to do that but just because they decide

to take a comic seriously does not mean that that comic now like meant what they said in the joke it doesn't make the joke not a joke anymore just because someone decided

to take it seriously so I can only speak for myself the only reason why I don't talk about it because I think it's silly considering all the other

shit that's going on and then also to sit there and act like I can't remember last time I heard a rape joke like to sit there and act like that's what's going on

I don't fuck it I've already talked about this so you know where's Lenny Bruce that's the name you think that's a Lenny Bruce moment to fucking say that

I mean I guess what you're saying with the freedom of speech but the bloggers have freedom of speech they have the freedom to get pissed off about it and

I don't know if anything they're probably helping comedy maybe a lot of rapists wouldn't come down to the comedy clubs because they didn't think that there'd be any humor for them

you know and it's just nice to know that there's enough comics out there that have the brilliance to understand that rapists before they're caught you know they like to laugh too

so there you go everybody makes out alright accidentally dating a high school chick dear Bill wait a minute accidentally dating a high school chick alright

it can happen she's super hot you're so psyched she's just gonna blow you you know she looks older than her years I'm already making excuses for this guy I'm a 24 year old ex-patriot

Australian that now lives in Europe it's every bit the sexual buffet that teen titty comedies of the 80s promised alright this is already getting creepy cause you said accidentally dating a

high school chick and you just used the word teen okay it doesn't seem so accidental one sentence in please don't be creepy and continuing however I've recently started dating

a certain lady and she's that in every sense of the word smart as a whip caustic as hell and yet warm when you're both alone together so here's the back story

I've been here a few weeks I arrive at this at this house party I don't even make it past the front hall and I meet this girl everything goes great

we hook up and we've been dating for a few weeks fast forward a bit and she breaks off plans casually mentioning that she has to study for her he writes it in this other language

the rough equivalent to the American SAT SATs now don't get me wrong the subject of school has come up example what subject was she

interested in et cetera et cetera however this is where the language barrier can be a bit of a bitch the Germans and the French can also refer a university as school

and I naturally assumed she meant university back home we graduated 16 to 17 years old so do I bring it or break it off with this chick wait dude

you didn't even say what she was German and the French also referred to university as school and I naturally assumed she meant an university

back home we graduated 16 to 17 years old so how old is she what are you doing dude do you you tell me how old she is

but it's a thing alright I'll continue so to bring in things full circle I'm wondering do I break it off with this chick which I think can be a dick move

given that we've already had enough explorative sex to make HBO look like door to the explorer and to leave her now would look like I've been leading her on slash using her

or do I stay with her and risk our relationship becoming strained by the different cultural gap for example for example she's dealing with the high school shit that I've long since resolved myself

the essentials I like this girl a lot we've got a lot in common literature, art, sports, booze and she doesn't find the fact that I collect pre-70s playboys creepy a huge fucking plus

given the woman I've dated uh oh dude when did I start attracting like sex offenders so you have this weird collection of porn you're not telling me how old she is

the cons she's in high school still lives with their parents and his French they can be temperamental as fuck dude how old are you oh he's 24 what is the age of consent

and how old is she I don't know what you're saying here sir how old is she I'm not commenting on that dude I need numbers uh right back dude right back

let me know how old you are because I don't know what the fuck you're asking me there anyways is that oh I gotta do the other half of the fucking goddamn reeds here

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barries send giant dip strawberries from sharey's barries for only $19.99 that's over a

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cheesecakes and dip pretzels here's the only way to get this special $19.99 sharey's barries offer

call 866 fruit I'm sorry what the fuck am I selling did I approve this this is fucking ridiculous

who the fuck is gonna buy this shit this is the funniest shit I've ever seen in my fucking life Christmas cake pops cheesecakes and dip pretzels call 866

fruit everybody 866 fruit 0-2 or even better visit barries.com oh punchdruck

oh please spell out the words oh by all means barries B-E-R-R-I-E-S berries click on the microphone in the top right corner and type in bur

you gotta see these enormous berries for yourself I swear to god this is the copy go to barries.com click on the microphone

and type in bur type in bur dip your balls and dip your berries in that don't wait now order order some chocolate berries for the fucking

person in your life oh shit I needed that that was wonderful I'm sure I'll get some complaints on that one we need a conference call can't do it

I'm in Helsinki alright wrap it up here we go now that the show is over wait a minute I can't wrap it up this I'll do the wrap up then I'll tell you another story

here wrap up here we go now that the show is over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows

anytime anywhere on your TV PC smartphone or tablet just podcast and get an extended free trial

of Hulu Plus when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the Hulu Plus banner or go to huluplus.com slash bill

that's huluplus.com slash bill hey you cunts better buy some sherry's berries because I'm going to get in trouble with that fucking read and I'm not changing it

because that was hilarious wiping tears away here what was I going to say so anyways the tour continues tonight I'm in Dublin and I got this show at the Vic

Theatre and then where do I go the whole rest of the week and just traveling here I got Helsinki Tuesday Copenhagen on

ah shit Copenhagen Wednesday is that right Helsinki Copenhagen then Oslo Thursday and then Stockholm

Friday and then I fly to Iceland for the last one and I've been having some unbelievable shows I got to tell you something man

that London thing you know I already know I already gave Glasgow and and um Jesus Christ Amsterdam

fucking punch drunk here like those amazing great crowds and everything and then London just as far as like just all the

American comics and got their breaks in London you know from the Bill Hicks to Patrice O'Neill

and um I don't know that was really definitely a special that was one of those weekends as I was doing it I was like really nervous before the shows

and shit like I did not I'm not taking any of this trip lightly and this has been an amazing just an amazing thing man

to go all through Europe here and uh I know I'm only here for like a day and that type of stuff but this is the beginning of many many many tours for me over here

and I'm hopefully going to be saying the same thing about Australia I know I got Canada coming up in March and I just want to thank everybody

who's been coming up to the shows and I've had a bunch of stand up comics overseas coming up to me and that's like the biggest compliment you can get people

comics coming up to your shows and coming up and saying that they actually like what you do so it's really cool a bunch of cool fans too had a couple people what the hell was I someone night in London

somebody actually got me a cigar which is great please don't bring me any more cigars because I'm trying to cut down on that habit but I gotta thank this dude Jimmy came and

gave me a cigar it's just been great meeting the fans and that type of stuff and people getting the DVDs and shit so so really nothing funny

I just want to I'm only halfway through this halfway tonight I just want to thank everybody who came out and it's been great and that's it

there you go ended up nicely and my apologies to berries.com I didn't look at the copy before I read that this I'm too fucking immature

to read shit like that I'm sure you have wonderful chocolate covered berries alright alright you cunts go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week

time for my final game do I have a boiled egg

and I have a boiled egg and I

have a boiled egg and I have a boiled egg

and a boiled egg and I have a boiled egg and

I