Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-1-18

Episode Date: February 2, 2018

Bill rambles about Reno, Meshuggah, and Super Bowl predictions.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. I'm sorry. How are you? How's your week going? I hope it's going wonderful. I hope you're enjoying yourselves. I'm actually having a great week. I just did two nights at the Irvine Improv that I had not been to in fucking years. You're probably like, why, Bill? Why haven't you been? Why haven't you done the Irvine Improv in so many fucking years? Why is it? I mean, it's a mere fucking 15, 20 miles away from Hollywood, where you live, you big fucking phony. What happened, huh? Why didn't you go? Were you too busy getting fucking sexually harassed?

You know, so you didn't drive down there? No, that's not. That's a good guess. That would be a good guess with all the stories out there. I was not sexually harassed. I wanted it. No. I didn't go down there because the fucking traffic, the goddamn motherfucking traffic on the way down there, it's like a fucking two hour drive to go like fucking 15, 20 miles. It's like a two hour drive. And then when you go back, you think, well, at least now it's like around midnight, there's going to be no fucking traffic. But then that's when they work on the fucking road and they get it all the way down to one lane and actually take everybody on the highway off of the fucking highway. And at that point, you can kind of go fuck yourselves. Maybe they put a couple

of signs up. And it just became like this, this eight hour gig that was like fucking, like I just, I don't know. I just, I don't know how many fucking miles I've driven in my career, but that, that was the gig that broke me. I just like, I can't fucking do this anymore. All right. So anyways, I start my year on the road this weekend coming up tomorrow. Actually, I'm going to be in Reno. So, oh, Billy's got to shake the rust off. All right. Oh, Billy, dad pants. Oh, Billy around the house. He's got to fucking remember how to do stand up. Did I just shut my recorder off? Just slammed on the ground. Yeah. So I need to do a couple of tune up shows. So I went down there and I was like, wait a minute, I've gotten my pilot's license. Since the last time I did the

Irvine Improv, I'll rent a fucking R 22, fly down with an instructor and I'll go up and over. You know, fly over all of that shit. This is what a cunt I am. So I go over there. We start flying down with my instructor and all I'm praying for is bumper to bumper traffic. All I want to see is red fucking brake lights not moving the whole way down. So we go to take off. There's a full moon in the sky, beautiful sunset over the fucking water. I mean, it's beautiful. I get in the fucking air and I'm looking down the traffic's not moving that bad. Like what the fuck, right? Go right over downtown LA, Florida, Burbank. Dude, we got down there from startup to shutdown. We got there in like 32 minutes. It was incredible. Jumped in a cab,

jumped in a cab, quick little five minute ride from John Wayne or whatever, 10 minute ride over. No traffic. I got there. I was in the best mood. Since I'd been there, they moved to like a new location in that fucking gigantic mall. It's got the mall so big it has a ferris wheel. Okay. Now I'm not trying to step on any toes out there in Minnesota. All right. I know you got it. You got to fucking roll the coaster in yours. But this is like the biggest one that I've seen. Or be honest with you that I want to see. It's like a little city. You know, like one night, the second night we were there, the cab driver dropped us off and then we realized that even though we were at the mall that the improv was in, we were still like a half

a mile away from where the fucking thing was. So we had to get back in the cab. Hey, I'm telling you it was huge. Okay. So and then we go up, you know, do two shows. The show ends, get back in the helicopter. You know, it was a little, you know, I haven't done a lot of night flights. So flying down was a little weird because of all the lights and everything. But on the way back and you can see the lights of downtown LA. So just point right at that. And came back, went Kauanga Pass and right back in, it was just, it was fucking great. Came home, woke up the next day, felt great, was excited about going down there again. All right. Obviously, you know, that if I'm telling all these fucking the story in this detail that something ended up happening, right?

So next night, same fucking thing. I get down there. I'm all excited, right? We get in the helicopter, same thing, full moon again, another great sunset. And this time what I wanted to see bumper to bumper, horrific fucking traffic. And I loved it. I had no sympathy for my fellow man. What I want, I was selfish in that moment. I wanted what I wanted. I wanted to be like, yes, that's why I did it. And I needed all of these other people to suffer for me to feel good about the decision that I made. Right? Well, we all know what happens when you do shit like that. When you treat your fellow man like a fucking extra in the movie of your own life. Guess what happened? Guess what happened? I had two wonderful fucking shows.

And I get off stage and my instructor goes, you're not going to believe this. The airport is closed. I go, what do you mean it's closed? He goes, I looked at the no Tams, which are noticed to all airmen. And it said that they were working on, you know, the fucking lights, the runway lights and all that shit at the airport. But we were thinking, hey, we're a fucking helicopter. We do whatever we want, right? Not the case. They're working on lights. So they shut the fucking thing down. So now we can't fly back. And I'm like, how the fuck am I going to get home? The instructor has to get a hotel room because he's got to fly the helicopter back because it's booked to be used on instruction

the next day. So we make sure he gets a fucking room. And then I end up riding back with Josh Adam Myers. So I'm in the car. He's got a friend there. So now there's three of us and is basically his two seater, you know, his friend in the back kind of had to kind of sit sideways, right? So we're driving and I'm like, ah, Jesus Christ. And I laughed and I put whatever, you know, it's late at fucking night. We'll cruise home. We'll listen to some tunes or whatever. We start doing that and we get about three miles into the gig and that fucking all I see is brake lights. And I'm like, oh, no, not, not the shutdown of the highway. And that's exactly what it was. It was a shutdown on the highway down to two lanes. And I'm thinking, okay, maybe, maybe we'll just drive

around some trucks down to one lane. Okay, okay, maybe they're just working on three lanes to the fucking off ramp. They send an entire highway of people off the fucking off ramp, passed like a fucking Carl's Jr. And then go fuck yourself. So now we're fucking ways, everybody's on ways, trying to fucking figure out how to get there, try to get back to the highway when you can get back on it. We finally see where we can take a left hand turn. And we get to the intersection. And there's like six police cars, and a fucking SUV that slammed into a tree. So obviously there was some sort of car chase there. So we can't make a left. Is there a fucking reason why the fire department and the fucking police just have to park in the most doucheyest fucking way?

So there's no possible way. I know you don't want to get hit. Jesus Christ, can you can you just give us an avenue? No, go fuck. I'm sure that's because when they did some fucking asshole hit somebody and they got killed. But I'm being a selfish cunt again. So when he was on telling you is my karma, I paid for it. And I didn't get home until fucking like I think two 10 in the morning. You know, my beautiful daughter gets up at about Oh, I don't know 626 30 in the morning. So right now I feel like I'm drunk. However, having said that, this month was one of the great months this past month, I should say it was one of the great months of my life. Because for the simple fact, after 20 years of doing the road, I was not

on the road. And I got to spend all this time with my family, you know, just doing dad and husband shit, which I got to admit is pretty awesome. I remember I used to go to the mall and I would look at people, you know, pushing their kids around and blah, blah, blah, blah. And like, I knew having a kid was awesome. But I used to always look at them like, Oh, my God, look at them. They're trapped. They can't get out. It was like claustrophobic to me. And now that I'm in that situation, I got to admit, I love going to the mall. I really fucking enjoy it. You know, my daughter's hilarious. We just push her around the stroller and she waves to everybody, you know, going hi, hi, you know,

come on, man, a baby waves at you. It says hi. It's always putting smiles on grumpy people's faces. It was tremendous. And I got a bunch of hours flying the helicopter, you know, I wanted to get up to 150 hours, which I did last night. I don't know what I got, because I wasn't able to look at the Hobbs meter because we didn't fly back. So I think I got a point five and I was at 149.9. So I know I'm over. So I got 150. So my goal is this year, I want to get 12 hours a month. So by the end of the year, how roughly about 300 hours. And you know, I don't know, whatever. Hey, I get into shit. So having said that, all right, it was still incredible and experienced and it's a good story, you know, that the fucking, you know, and I also learned something.

You know, when they shut down the lights, just because we don't have to use the fucking runway, you still can't fly out. I learned that. What else? Oh, and on Monday, this is the make a wish week that I'm having Monday. I went with Dave, my, my, my drum teacher, I went to my sugar, who had never seen live. And I gotta tell you, it was a fucking life altering experience. I can't remember the last time I saw a fucking band that blew my mind like that. They are a heavy metal band, a heavy metal, a metal band from Sweden, who I've always heard of, and I always tried to get into it. But the combination of the singer that right, right, singing like that, I'm already an angry enough guy. I'm like, Jesus Christ, am I really going to

have this on my fucking hard drive? And then like the music was so complex, I didn't know what was going on. I didn't like so many of the songs, like the drummers basically playing like a poly rhythm. It's like his body's playing two different songs. I mean, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. But as far as I could tell, it seemed like on top, he'd be playing in like four. And then his feet are just, I don't know what they're playing like a completely different song. And then the band is playing the rhythm to his feet. But the crowd is nodding to what the fuck he's doing with his hands. So everybody's grooving with this shit. I don't know, do you want to check out a fucking unbelievable song? They got this song bleed. And on top, he's playing like eighth notes

with the backbeat on three. So everybody's head is moving to that like, I can't even do it, right? But underneath his feet are going like the whole fucking song basically, is on top, he's like underneath. It's like you're going insane. You know, like I was like, if you ever heard voices, I could think that's the music version of that song, like up top was be somebody talking to you going like, Hey, you want to go to the mall maybe, you know, I heard they open a new fucking Starbucks, blah, blah, blah. And underneath the demons going to get it, get it, get it, get it. It's like a seven minute song. I've never fucking seen and they played it live. And just it sounded as good as what they played on the record.

And then the whole fucking night, you never saw their faces. It was just these fucking strobe lights going at you in the, in, you know, lined up with the bass drum. So everybody's fucking nod to the beat is the single. And the lights are like fucking baby, take it, take it in your fucking face. It was, I never thought it'd be into some shit like that. I can't, I can't say enough how fucking unbelievable that band is. And you're doing yourself a disservice as a human being if you never see them live. It was fucking unbelievable. And the amount of like famous drummers that I saw standing there just fucking geeking out, big smiles on their face, shaking their head, you know, like reaffirming to me, it's just a, you know, casual fan of music that yes, what I am is, is

hearing is that unbelievable. It's so unbelievable that drummers that I'm blown away by are blown away by this shit. So I don't know. I don't know how many more tour dates they have. I think I overheard somebody say maybe that was their last on this run. I don't know. But like for the rest of my life, as long as those guys play when they come to town, I'm definitely going to go see them. And I actually like to sing and now when you, and I think when you're dealing with the level of music like that, that's so far beyond what the fuck you're listening to, you know, like I still occasionally listen to poison. I'm not proud of it. I'm not ashamed of it. It's just what I listened to when I was growing up. I was like fucking 16, 17, when it came out in a bass bed, past your bed.

So I got fucking listening to it. Talk dirty. Me was a good fucking song. So that's where I was coming from. Before that, I think I don't know. I was listening to the Partridge family and the monkeys. So my sugar was a big leap for me. Thomas Hockey is the name of their drummer. And I got to know everybody's name in that band because I don't know how the fuck they did what I saw. If I didn't see it live, I wouldn't think that they could do it. Anyways, Jesus Christ. You know what it reminded me of when he played that song live bleed? Last time I heard something like that was when somebody told me to get that Miles Davis album four and more. And Tony Williams is playing the ride cymbal so fucking at such a blistering tempo,

but you can hear every note. It's so clean. It never gets muddy or anything. And it's just like, how can a human being do that? You know, or maybe like Buddy Rich. When he's playing like on his snare drum, like a zillion miles an hour, but you can like, you can hear every note. Nothing overlaps. This dude was basically doing that with his feet. I've been trying to explain to people what the fuck he's doing. I can't even do with my hands like half the temple that he's doing with his feet. And I can't even do that for like four seconds. And he plays that song for like seven minutes. I don't know. All right, I'm done. I'm done. Please go see them live. Jesus Christ. I think I'm going to have to and they've been playing

and they've been, I guess they started it back like fucking 1989, which is even more unbelievable. Because 1989, like what was popular and what was out there, what came out in 89 in my world? Motley Crude, Dr. Feel Good. All right, which I love that album, right? He's gonna call Dr. Feel Good, right? That's what the fuck was popular. And these guys had the balls to ignore that. You know, and fucking sitting there, fucking garage in Sweden and work out, that's fucking unreal. All right, so, so what else? So I go to fucking Reno. What are my favorite fucking cities? Anybody can go to Vegas. It takes a real fucking man to go to Reno. That's when you know your gambling. Okay. Reno is the mass sugar of fucking casino

towns. Los Angeles, I mean, I'm sorry, Las Vegas, that's poison. Every rose has it stone, right? Fat chicks doing the coyote ugly shit up on the bars. That's what fucking Vegas is. Okay, but you want the real shit, the real degenerate fucking gambler that lost everything, you go to Reno. I don't know if that's a compliment. I was trying to be maybe Laughlin, Laughlin Nevada. I've been telling you that time I did that gig, I opened for wine owner Judd in a parking lot. She was so fucking, you know, it was she was such a big act. And she was playing Laughlin Nevada that they didn't have a venue big enough for a show. So they just set up seats out in the fucking parking lot. Like behind the crowd was the parking garage. Like I could literally see my rent a car

while I was on stage bombing, fucking bombing. Well, was that the time I bought? I'm not at a good set. No, the time I was bombing was I opened for wine owner Judd outside again at a fucking racetrack, like a horse racetrack or some shit. I just remember the sun was on. It was like an afternoon gig. There's one of those things before you go and say she was great. She always treated me great and everything like that. But people can listen to music during the day, but you can't listen to stand up like outside when the sun is up stand up. It's a nighttime thing. It's an indoor thing. It's an evil thing. It's an after fucking even eight o'clock feels too early to do my act, to be honest with you. So I don't know what the fuck time it was. It must have been the summer

because the sun was still out and I'm standing there doing my bullshit outside, you know, you know, you're doing your action. You're thinking like, ah, man, I should have put on sunscreen. So I'm on stage and there's lesbians in the crowd, right? Or the only heterosexual woman ever with that haircut was in the crowd. She's dressed like G.I. Jane if she stopped fucking working out, right? And she the whole time I'm on stage, she's going, why no, no, why no, no. And she's turning around trying to get the rest of the crowd to do it. You know, you know, now thinking right now, I realize what a fucking sexist country was because I swear to God, if I was a female comic, she wouldn't have said shit. She would have given

me a chance. The whole fucking set. I'm up there trying to do my bullshit, right? What's up with Bill Clinton? Can you believe this cigar? You know, whatever the fuck I was talking about back then. And she's going, why no, no, why no, no. And I finally just stopped and I go, hey lady, I deliberately said, hey lady, because I knew that would piss her off. I go, do you think I don't realize why everybody's here? Do you think I think that, you know, 5,000 people showed up to a fucking racetrack at three o'clock in the afternoon to see me with no TV credits? Listen, why don't a Judd is coming out in 15 minutes, no matter what? Okay, I'm not going to forget that and keep doing, going and just doing my act. And I kept just fucking

went off on her and people all, you know, because it's a country crowd, you know, family values, everybody's all fucking polite, right? Dating within their own rice, you know? And I didn't get the crowd. I didn't turn them around until I made fun of her haircut. And then I did that. And then all the conservative homophobes actually got on, on my side, actually used homophobia in that desperate moment. You know, I still stand by it. I don't feel bad. Well, maybe I feel a little bit bad about it, but you know, fuck her. She's sexist. There you go. Here's some fucking ugliness right back at you. I still remember her fucking face. You know what she looked like? Remember that fucking? Did you see the fuck was that show? What's that American

horror story? Do you remember that season when they were in the insane asylum? And then there was that fucking mutant looking human being with the, there was a woman she had like giant, please giant fucking here. She's actually gorgeous in real life. I don't know what the fuck they did. CGI'd some shit. She looked like, I don't know what, like, like something out of a fairy tale that lived under a bridge yet was sort of adorable. I don't know. That's what this woman looked like with glasses dressed like G.I. Jane. There you go. The Monday morning Photoshop could not be any easier. I just, I just gave you a roadmap and she was going, wow, no, no. I want to say she had a little rat tail too braided coming down. I don't know. That was one of those gigs

where I was just fucking, I remember I got off stage and I just remember after I'd gone off when I was thinking like, oh fuck, I'm probably going to get fired off through this gig. But I don't think anybody really heard it. In my mind, that moment lasted 20 minutes. It probably lasted all of eight seconds or 10 seconds. How long does it take to just fucking decimate somebody? I don't know. I don't pretend to know, but you know what people, you know what it is this Sunday? Do you have any idea what it is this Sunday? It's Super Bowl Sunday. Super Bowl Sunday in the New England Patriots and they're unprecedented 10th Super Bowl. I'll go in for this sixth ring. Do you realize if Tom Brady wins, the Patriots win, I should say, right? Tom Brady gets his sixth ring. He will have

more Super Bowl championships than every franchise in the NFL except for the Pittsburgh Steelers than the entire fucking franchise. Right now, he has more than every fucking franchise. That's what I say to giant fans when they break my balls. Hey, we beat you twice. Yeah, you did. But you know what? Tom has more rings than your franchise in its entire fucking history. So I will take those two losses. And you know what? If you could turn the fucking tables and Eli could be sitting here with five rings and two losses to the Patriots, you'd fucking take that too. Why wouldn't you? You know, everybody takes that deal. Those fucking terrorists take that deal. That's the same deal they take with the virgins. Right? What would you rather have,

my friend, one here or fucking 80 in the afterlife? I'll take the loss. I'll take the fucking loss. Anyways, I'll tell you, I'll tell you Sunday, oh, it's going to be a rough one. Everybody, I don't know, you know, every time the Patriots go, everybody else, the fucking Patriots, they're going to win. And they give no fucking, I mean, the sports media does, and the average mouth breathing moron gives no respect to the other fucking team as if they didn't walk through a whole fucking wall of fire to get where the hell they're at. I'll tell you what scares me the most about the, uh, the Eagles other than their defense is their running game. That's what scares me. And I am deathly afraid of that in the second half, if they sort of

established it and they start chewing up the clock and start wearing down our front four. Like Darren Sprouls has like fucking video game speed. I mean, he is literally like a game changer level back. And then they got Ligera Blunt, which, you know, you don't need to tell a Patriots fan about how fucking, you know, clutch that guy is. And Nick Foles is not a, is not a backup quarterback. He's a starting quarterback that lost his job and then stepped back in and made it look like, why the fuck did you ever put me on the bench? I think it's going to be a, uh, a really, really close game. And you know what's funny, people are just like, dude, what's it like? You know, your team's in it almost every year. It must be like fucking no big deal to you. It's

always a big deal. And anybody whose team has been in the Super Bowl, you die a thousand fucking deaths, even if your team wins. If your team loses, you just have to fucking, you just can't watch ESPN or any, any sports talk for a fucking week because it's going to kill you if you really care and you're a fan. So this is the funny thing I'm doing Conan O'Brien the day after the Super Bowl. So that's either going to be, you know, me being elated or are fucking just sitting there devastated. You know, yeah, Super Bowl losses are fucking devastating. And you know, it's funny, I've gone to two Super Bowls. I went to the, when the Patriots lost to Brett Favre, I was there when Brett Favre threw that first touchdown pass and took his helmet off and ran down the field going,

you know, as his agent rubbed his greedy hands together. Now Brett, when you score a touchdown, take your helmet off so the whole world can see what an all American guy you are will get you the Wheaties box, right? That was the game within the fucking game. And I remember walking out of the Super Dome, you know, having spent all that fucking money, you know, going back to your hotel room, you're in New Orleans, everybody's having a good time and you're fucking walking away like Charlie Brown, especially me with my big head, right? And then you got to go to the airport the next day and just fly back quietly with all fans from your team. You know, you just see another person also wearing the same team hat as yours that just lost. You just kind of look at each other,

you know, put your eyebrows up, good season, fucking brutal. And then I also went to the Patriots versus St. Louis Rams, the greatest show on turf. And when we won, and I got to feel that feeling like floating out of the stadium, hugging complete strangers with the same thing, you know, it's unreal, like the level of emotion on that day is going to be crazy. So you know what my feeling is for the game? I'm just nervous. I'm just nervous, like this is going to be, I think it's going to be another classic. This is nothing too, all these fucking assholes, you know, going to the fucking Patriots, to the fucking Patriots. It's like the Patriots have probably been in arguably seven of the top 10 Super Bowls of all time. Every one of them has been like a heart stopper,

right? Other than that, okay, the Bears one stunk. The fucking Green Bay Packers one was great until the opening kickoff, I believe, of the second half when that dude from Michigan ran it back. But the fucking Patriots ramp versus the Rams, when that game happened, they were like, that was the most exciting Super Bowl of all time. Then we played the Panthers with Jake DeLone, you know, that that game was fucking unbelievable. The Eagles game wasn't that good. Don Mignad puked, that kind of ruined that one, right? And then the fucking undefeated Patriots, Spygate, all of that shit, and then fucking the Giants with the greatest fucking run on the road is a wildcard team wins the helmet catch, all of that, even though we lost unbelievable fucking

game. Then we played the Giants again. All right, Brady to Welker, they dropped it fucking heartbreaking. And then Eli once again, makes an incredible pass, you can no longer say that he's got a horseshoe up his ass, because he did it twice, right? Another great one. Then the fucking the fucking he was the Seahawks, wrong bird, a write down on the goal line. Marshawn Lynch, you know, they're going to give it to him. How the fuck are the Patriots going to stop again? They run a pick route. Malcolm Butler jumps the route and out of fucking nowhere, game over. And then last year, the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history. So if you fucking hate the Patriots, because they're in the Super Bowl again, you just basically hate the Patriots,

because they've won so many. But there's no fucking way you hate those games. What a better game. Before all of this bullshit went down, the best one I ever saw, and still one of my favorite ones of all time, was the Cowboys versus Steelers Super Bowl 14. And I actually wonder if that game has to have the most Hall of Famers in it. Let's go through it. All right, Franco Harris, Terry Bradshaw, Lynn Swan, John Stallworth, Mike Webster, L.C. Greenwood. This is just the Steelers. Mean Joe Green, Jack Hamm, Jack Lambert, Mel Blunt. That's 10. There's no fucking, I bet you'd be hard pressed to find that 10 on two teams.

Then the Cowboys, Roger Starback, Tony Dorsett. Randy White. Is Drew Pearson in? I got to look up the Cowboys that are in. Who else do they have? Oh, Bill, he's getting old. He's getting old. Did Harvey Martin or Ed Too Tall Jones make it in? They must have one other guy. Five. And then the two coaches, Chuck Knoll and Tom Landry. Other than that drop in the end zone, which may well, that's the only thing that sucked about that game. Bless his heart. He's got to be the sickest man in the building. I actually lost money on that game. I was in the fourth grade, and I bet with this girl that I had a crush on, I bet her a quarter or something like that,

like 50 cents or 75 cents. I can't remember. It was a big deal to me. 75 cents was a big deal back then. That was like three packs of football cards. So anyways, I think it's going to be a great game. And hopefully we win. So I don't have to go undress like a fucking sad clown on Conan. And I'm also doing something that I never do. I'm going to a Super Bowl party, but it's only because I'm a dad now. We got this other great couple that, you know, they got the cutest kid ever. So we're going to go over there and watch the game chase our kids around and all that type of shit. But, uh, you know, I'm also going to record the game because if we win it, I'm going to want to come home after my daughter goes to sleep and I'm going to want to watch it again.

And, uh, and possibly smoke a cigar. I got to give a shout out to somebody. I never really named names on this. So I'm not going to say the name, but last night when I was, you know, before, you know, when I found out that the fucking, we weren't going to be able to fly back and I was like, Oh man, you got to be kidding me. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, fucking LA. Something always happens. Somebody sent me back. He said, Hey, somebody sent me gave you this thing. I was like, Oh my God, what the fuck is this? It was this big bag. I'm like, How the fuck am I going to get this back? I'm flying back in this little two-seater, right? Oh, at that point, I knew that I wasn't flying back. And I looked

in, it was a fucking box of Cuban cigars, like a box of like, I don't know, like 25, which would be, uh, you know, if you bought them individually, that's like a thousand bucks. So I was like, Holy shoot, the fuck is this guy? So immediately I'm thinking, it's just like some fucking oil, man. You know, some evil fucking psycho, whatever. And then there's this card in there and I opened it up and there's this big long letter in there. I'm like, Oh God, this is, is this going to be some crazy person? Cause that's how the world is. And it was the nicest fucking letter I think I've ever gotten. This person had just mentioned that they, um, had gotten into a motorcycle accident, lost their leg and was going through this big depression.

And, um, you know, he listened to my comedy and whatever that dick joke on what I was doing, helped him get through it. And then he shows up with this giant fucking box of cigars. So I really wanted to, I ended up having somebody run out to make sure that I could say thank you to the person who took pictures and everything. Fucking really, you know, you mean, you know what usually happens to you at the end of the show, all the cool people go home cause they're cool. And then some, either some drunk lunatic, which I always got a soft spot for a drunk lunatic, you know, God knows I've been that guy and usually their hearts in the right place, but it's usually some fucking psycho shows up. Oh, look who's here. No, I was talking about what, uh,

you know, I just, somebody really wrote a really nice letter and you know, not somebody else also sent me something pretty cool to give me a fucking Led Zeppelin album with a picture frame to frame it. I'm not going to frame it. I'm going to fucking listen to it. Um, but I just want to thank that person for, um, you know, let me know that my comedy did affect him that way because, you know, you go on the road, you're out there. It's a weird time. Everybody's overly sensitive. It's nice to get some sort of positive feedback. Um, Nia, why don't you come over here, grab yourself a fucking pair of headphones. Oh, look at this. Yeah, grab a headphone. I finally got this splitter. Hold on a second, everybody. Little technical difficulties. Am I back? All right, I'm back.

I'm back. No, no, you got to grab those wireless headphones. You need to grab the headphones in the, uh, oh, it's all right. Sorry. I fixed you up. I finally got a splitter. You know, Todd Rex was the last fucking person that I love on this podcast that I was going to make sit across from me is I have the fucking headphones and they don't, you know what I mean? All right. So you, you, you, you plug it in. Yeah. Plug this fucker in right here. Bam. You grabbed the microphone. Hello. There we go. Look at that. Look at that. Modern technology. Oh shit. It's 37 minutes in. You're coming in right at the end. Nia, who do you like in the, in the Super Bowl? The New England Patriots? Obviously. Oh, the Philadelphia Eagles. The Patriots.

Oh, it's going to be, it's going to be an unbelievable game. Oh, in Boston. Got a route for the Patriots. You got a route for the Patriots. Yeah. Tom's going for number six. The six Super Bowl ring. Yep. Great. That's great. Yeah. Really looking forward to the course. What do you feel? What do you feel like some of the keys to the, what are some of the keys to the game? Well, I think what we need is a strong defense. And you know, on the other end, we need a good offense as well. And you know, we just got to catch that ball and just get it into the end zone. You know what I mean? And when it, it's time to kick that field goal, you just got to kick it over

the goal. Over the goal. I mean, that's what you got to do, right? You know what I mean? And you got to be real aggressive. You know what I mean? You got to keep the team from tackling the guy with the ball running to try to score a touchdown and stop those guys who are trying to stop your guy is what I mean. You got to stop those guys from stopping your guy. And what do you think the Patriots game plan is going to be against the Eagles running game? Oh my God. It's going to be really intense. It's going to be really focused. It's going to be like, oh, like get in there. Just get in there and you know, don't take any shit. Don't let them score on you, man. Oh God, you know what's funny? That's what a lot of Super Bowl analysis sounds like after those poor

bastards after two fucking weeks. That's like all they got like, yeah, you got to score more fucking points. I got nothing. How much longer do we got to sit here? All right. Well, one of the people came out to the show last night was nice. They got me a box of Cuban cigars. Wow. A box. Actual Cuban cigars. Actual. I mean, yeah. From Cuba. From Cuba. Are you going to smoke them? No, Nia. I'm going to stare at them. I'm going to let them get all dried out. Oh, you know what? Chop them up and put them in my quinoa. We should bring one too on Sunday to the games. I absolutely am. And I hope I'm going to be able to light it up like Red Arbeck in the fucking fourth quarter. Absolutely. Light it up. Light it up. Make it happen. Just,

you know, don't take any shit. Okay. Who is the other by the way, everybody? How great was my lovely wife on crashing this week? Thank you. How great were you? You're an amazing actor. You're playing yourself, but you're a really good actor. That's not acting when you're playing yourself. Oh, thank you though. It's just existing. Yeah. That's just being the asshole you are. Well, you know, I haven't watched it yet. I'm going to, I gotta sit down and check it out. It's really good. It's not anything that'll make you be like, Oh God, why did I do that? Like every moment is very pure and natural. So I thought you were right. There's something just not natural about watching yourself. No, you should never see the back of your head while you're talking. Yeah,

it's like, am I having like a near death experience right now? Oh, it's even worse. You're like, Oh my God, that's what other people see. Yeah. I need to face people more because you see your face like brushing your teeth. You see your face. I don't know if you ever noticed that your face is right there in the middle of a mirror on you. I don't know if you ever noticed that. Yes, it is. I'm always looking at my face. Always looking at my face. Moisturizing, making sure. No, but it was, it was a great experience. So thank you for without you, I would not have been able to be on the show. Thank you for that. You ever think that I'm maybe I'm holding back your career and without me,

you could have gone like Oprah, right? Just had a caucus panel that you loved. Got to the top of the mountain. She still has a guy by her side. What? I don't know. I don't know that. Steadman. Oh, that's right. I see the guy used to dance with the umbrella with Puffy. Is that him? What was that guy's name? That is Fonzworth Bentley. Is that Steadman's son? It should be. If you name Steadman, your son should be called Fonzworth. No, that's no. I don't think his name is actually with Bentley, but no, he's like, I don't know exactly what he does. He would, he would, he would like vogue while holding an umbrella. He wasn't okay. Music makes the people come together. You're all over the place right

now with your references. No, he, uh, he's like a guy that like puts it all together. Is he like, he's like the me undies of umbrellas. Then he started his own line of umbrellas. Yeah, but he's like connected to like everybody in the music industry. He's a part of like Kanye's creative team somehow. I don't know. I just feel like he's the guy that makes shit happen. He's not the umbrella guy anymore. And what do you think he needs to do? What are the, what are his keys to the game this Sunday? Fonzworth Bentley. What do you mean? He just wants to keep sustaining. He's just got to get in there. I think you have a second career as a motivational speaker. I think so. All right. Well, my first book is going to be called get in there. Don't take any shit.

I love that cookbook that you have on the fucking, uh, the kitchen table out there. Hey, yeah, I've been looking at cookbooks because I'm trying to know the cover is hilarious. It's just impossibly gorgeous fucking woman Chrissy Teigen with her fucking half her titty hanging out and she's got her hair up so you know she's ready to go to work full makeup and then kuchi cut her like distressed jeans. Yeah. Like that's how she cooks in the kitchen. Yes. You gotta have your lipstick on, right? It's a cover of a book. She has to look good. I know it's just a model. I love how she looks, but that's the thing that makes all like fatties and feminists and all that get upset. Like, how am I supposed to live up to this? Oh God, feminists don't get upset at Chrissy Teigen's.

The real ones, right? No, no, the real ones don't know. What do you mean the real ones? Well, isn't like every scene has like the posers and then they have the real ones, right? No, the problem is you don't know what feminism is. I don't you just think you just think anything regarding women is like feminism and you're like, yeah, feminists hate that and you're like, you don't know. Okay, well, the women a lot of a lot of women on social media don't like that because it creates an impossible image to live up to, which I think is one of the most self centered like I don't look at fucking Brad Pitt and fight club and be like really Brad, that's just creating a possible image for me to live up to like how arrogant would I have to think that even you're

saying that because that's exactly what fight club is about. Is about what? It's about that guy and Edward Norton's character being like kind of like searching for his identity and feeling like he has to find his identity through consumption, through looking a certain way. Remember that scene on the bus when him and Brad Pitt are like looking at the ads like sort of like the Calvin Klein male underwear ads and they're like, is that what a man is supposed to look like? That's what that whole movie is essentially about. I have no recollection of that. I just don't remember when his like his mind gets fractured in such a way that he creates this alternative identity, which is Brad Pitt that looks like Brad Pitt that has the body like Brad Pitt that like fucks

like Brad Pitt because he's thinking that this is what it means to be a man and also has this like anarchist kind of like mentality. I just thought it was a bunch of people beating the shit out of each other in a basement. Did you miss that whole theme of the movie? That's the whole theme of the movie. No, I just remember looking at meatloaf when he took his shirt off. I was like Jesus Christ. The bitch tits. That's what they called it. Yeah. Yeah. That movie is amazing. I only saw it one time. Yeah. But I never looked at Brad Pitt and thought like, I gotta get in that shit. No, like, like I'm actually competing with him. I'm not. But to compete with somebody, they have to be within my my site. You know what I mean?

When you're that far over the fucking horizon, you don't even exist. That was like when I math class and fucking my senior year within two fucking weeks that the teacher was just over the horizon. And I remember the year before I flunked math and had to go to summer school. And in two weeks into my senior year, I was just like, Oh, this again. Last year, I actually kept going back for extra help. Like this was going to change something. And I just quit. I tapped out like to like in September had a boy. I gotta tell you, it was one of the most fun classes I ever had. Yeah, I used to get like eights and 11s on tests. Like, you know, what'd you get? I got an 85. I would get like single digits. Oh, I was I thought you were talking about some new way of like great

things. I'm like, what are eight like 100% you got an A what I got like the smart girl in front of me would get 100. And I would get it literally an eight. Yeah. And that was the thing. And me and my other buddy went to summer school. The year before we would we would get him back. And we you know, he was like two rows away from me. And I would just hold them up was like a joke who could do worse. And he'd hold up like an 11. And I would laugh and I'd be like, and then I'd hold up an eight and he would have his hand over his mouth crying fucking laughing. That's a cool memory actually. I was fucking liberating not giving a fuck. You know, it's just like if you cared the year before I cared, I had headaches and shit. And I'd be fucking trying to pass it was. Yeah,

it was I was like, what's the lesson in this stop care? No, the lesson is is in order to be successful you have to know what you suck at. So you don't waste any brainpower. Trying it's, you know, like one time I saw this story about Lawrence Taylor, right? Phil Sims told this story. He's a football player, arguably the greatest linebacker of all time black guy, right? Of course. Yeah, yeah, of course, change the game. The great white linebackers were in the 60s, crew cuts. They look like, you know, they were great. Why angry cops? Because they were the only ones allowed to play. No, no, they weren't good. Come on, man. This is still great white linebackers like who? Uh, Chris Bealman, uh, yeah, he's retired. Uh, there was that guy, Erlacher on the bears.

The dad bears. No, he isn't. Okay, keep going. I don't collect football cards anymore. I know that's got to be a good, it was that righted out lunatic who's spitting people's faces on the Broncos. I have no idea who dislocated a former teammates elbow on Shannon sharp on a Monday night football. I don't forget that that he did that. I was like, this guy is a fucking serial killer. Shannon shot. Oh, is he, um, he's smart. No, he's the one. Uh, I tweeted it mile with that yak. Yeah, I don't know what that means. My with that. Yeah. Hey, my with that. Yeah. Hey, he went on, uh, he was on there and he was celebrating something. So he took out a black and mile and he was like, I'm on that mile with that yak skip. You talking crazy

skip that guy? Yeah, I guess so. I remember you showing me that and I watched it and then you explained to me times in a row that it was something about whatever he was smoking in cognac. Yeah. Okay. It was like, like black people loved it. Lost their fucking minds. Yeah. Cause it's just a super, super black thing. Super inside. I get it. That's like your uncle. He's like your uncle. Yeah. Okay. Um, were we talking about white people's accomplishments? Boring. What are you talking about? There's entire monuments made of all of our accomplishments. There's entire cities about all the things we've achieved. Congratulations. You know, our version of what happened is chiseled into those monuments. I know, but nobody thinks you're cool is the thing. What is not cool about

flying? You don't like cars. I know we're not moonwalking, but I mean, it's kind of cool to go from LA to New York in six hours, isn't it? We faked the lunar landing. I mean, that's some dope shit, isn't it? We gotta have some sort of street cred. Wait, Tom Brady is white and he's a he is white. He's a quarterback though. He's an online backer, right? He's a quarterback. A linebacker is a really big like refrigerator Perry. Nope. He was a defensive lineman. Okay. He's the in shape version. Like, like a lot of down linemen are a little bit fat. And then the linebackers linebackers are built like the Hulk. Odell Beckham. What position is he? He's a wide receiver. Okay. I'm just trying to think of there's a lot of white white white white wide receivers have come back.

Okay. Yep. Well, good. You guys get in there. All right, I gotta get on with my day here. Hey, I gotta tell you, it was one of my most my most fun acting gigs ever that I got to be on screen with you. How awesome is that? Right? We're like Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman there, except to a much lesser degree. I don't think man's Chinese theater is going to be calling us anytime soon. Hey, listen, hey, never know. Hey, you never know what's gonna happen. Our daughter will be able to watch that years later and be like, you know, and be like, why didn't you use me in it? And we'll be like, well, because you weren't a twin. Yes. And you're only allowed to work three

hours at a time. That's why that's why there you go. All right. That's the podcast. Everybody enjoy the Super Bowl. Congratulations to base both franchises to forget in there. Yes. Okay. You know, it's going to break my fucking heart if the Patriots lose, but I will tell you this, I will actually be happy on another level because the Eagles have never won one and those, you know, did you, there was a fucking Eagles fan crying when Carson Wentz went down, literally called a fucking sports talk show, got on the phone and started crying when they're starting quarterback went down. He's like, you know, I mean, when's it ever going to work out for us? And the dude was all weirded out going, you're crying. You're crying. And then sports fans are very, but you guys are

super passionate. Like you're crazy. Like you're a little scary. It's all we have. For the most part, we're not good looking. Our personal lives are not where we want them to be. We don't have the job that we want. It's all we have. Oh God. And then nothing, what makes your fucking year is to predict something and it actually happens. And then you just want people to remember and you just, you just walking around the sports bar. I said it. And you know, you look like remember that dude to get stabbed in the beginning of fucking Scarface walking around that tent city that that's what you look like. You just holding your guy goes, don't I matter? Anybody? All right, that's it. That's the podcast. Have a great weekend. Enjoy the Super Bowl. And hopefully the Patriots get a win.

I don't know, we'll see. I am definitely, I think it's going to be a really close gut wrenching game. All right, that's my prediction. And then I'll be like, I said it. All right. See you. I was watching one of those 30 for 30s. And they did this whole thing on athletes going broke. It was really bad. There's a ton of people who've gone broke. Most of them didn't want to do the documentary. Like why would you? You know what I mean? Hey, you want to talk about how you completely fucking blew it? No, I don't. I don't. And I resent the fact that the end of your documentary, you're going to be running a list with my name on it. You know, that's what they had at the end of it. But I was watching it

and I felt bad for people. But after a while, it was just the same fucking story over and over again. Then I went on a splurge. The first thing I bought for myself was a Cadillac Escalade. I wanted earrings that were $30,000. I always wanted a porous. And it's as much as I want to say that if I was 21 years old and you gave me a million dollars that I would probably fuck it up to, I just don't think I would. You know? Are these guys, you know, I got a check for $55,000 and I saw a Hummer. I had to get it, talk the guy down to $49,000. And it's like, if you just got a check for 55 fucking grand after paying all the people in your life, your agent, whoever else you got, whoever else has taken it, your lawyer, whoever else takes a chunk out of that check, whatever's

left out of that, the government's going to come in and take a 40% waft. If you get a check for 55 grand, I mean, what do you got left? 20 grand? He just went out about a $50,000 Hummer. I don't know. But anyways, the point I wanted to make was at the end of it, after showing all these people going through this hell, they have this guy there who's supposed to be evidently some sort of financial advisor. And in the end, they were talking about LeBron James going, he is going to be, he has a potential to be other than Tiger Woods, pre-divorce, a billionaire athlete. Look at LeBron, who has the opportunity to be a billionaire athlete. How exciting is that? And they go, like, how exciting is that? And they go, what would your

advice be to this, to LeBron James on how to hang on to his billion dollars? And the guy goes, he goes, don't blow it. Keep it simple. Count your money. It might have been the dumbest thing I ever heard. And I immediately, I had no sympathy for anybody in the fucking documentary. It's just like, even like, why is this guy on this document? Who the fuck is that guy? That's a guy who manages money. That's, hey, I got a billion dollars. How do I hold on to this? Where should I invest it? What do I do? What advice do you got for me? Oh, it's simple. Don't blow it. Keep it simple. Count your money. All right. Thanks a lot. I'll be, I'm out of here. Fucking ridiculous.

It was basically, it was an hour and a half of listening to morons telling you what the fuck they bought with all their money. And I don't know. I felt bad, but there was another part. There was just one guy that I really felt bad for because it was the hurt that he had. You know, like Andre Ryzen was on the thing and he's sitting there in a suit with sunglasses on. Mirrored sunglasses doing the interview. And just right there, it's like, yeah, dude, I'd give you another million if I had it. If I gave it to you, you'd, you'd fuck that up. Why? Because you're sitting here in a shiny suit with fucking sunglasses on. Looking like Michael Jackson at the award show, right? So anyways, the one guy who actually

really bothered me was there's, if you ever watch it, it's 30 for 30 broke. There's a guy who's sitting there and he's just ever so slightly leaned to one side and just the pain in his voice. He's just, just sitting there going, I made a 75 million dollars in my career. And I had me a Mercedes, got a homo, got me a boat and he's just sitting there looking down on his knee, like playing with his pant leg. I had a jet ski and I bought myself a yacht a mansion and a couple of cars. That ain't, that ain't my million dollars. I had seven million dollars. I pretty much gave it away. And you just, I had to look away. It was fucking brutal, but the rest of it was just a bunch of

knuckleheads. You know, I felt bad for Bernie Kosar too, because Bernie Kosar, you know, I don't know. It seemed like his dad took his money. I don't know what the fuck it was. I knew with my signing bonus, he was paying off his mortgages and paying off the house and the cars and things of that nature. But the, as I came to find out a little bit later, the Cleveland Browns also cut a contract for my father who got a million dollars. It's a really, it's a, it's a great, all the 30 for 30s are awesome. This one is awesome, but they just should have had a couple of, they did, you know, something that's not true, because they had like four or five guys. There was only two people who really came off like morons, but they were just so, they were such

morons that I felt it tainted the whole thing. That has might have been the dumbest thing I ever heard. What is your advice? All right, I'm sorry. Was that even remotely fucking interesting? I love watching those 30 for 30s. I got to watch the Bo Jackson one. There was just something about that. Like, you know, for as much as they showed the amount of people that went broke, there's been so many more people in the league that didn't go broke. So really, weren't you just showing a select group of morons, you know, who were going out and buying a Corvette and sticking a fucking hot tub in the back of it? You know, living week to week on paychecks. I mean, I just don't think that most people are doing that. I would really think that if, if I was barely on

the team, I would be saving every dime. I know I would. I've done that in this business. I've never fucking, you know, it's common. If you're in any sort of entertainment, you know it's common. Drifting out alone, lying in the Friday spirit, wishing I was anywhere else, lying next to you. There's nothing in this galaxy holding my attention. The sun has lost its gravity instead of my connection to the stars. And in moments I'll have to stop. Never meant to have to stop, stop, stop, never meant to have to stop, stop, stop. Never meant to have to stop, stop, stop, never meant to have to stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

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