Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-1-24

Episode Date: February 1, 2024

Bill rambles with Jon Lovitz about how little respect they have for each other. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (01:04:21) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 2-1-16 - Bill rambles about Girl Scout Cookies, Open Carry, and Superbowl Analysis.

of a full head of red hair. All right, we ready? Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And whenever you see video of this podcast, you know, well, gee whiz, ol' freckles must have a special guest. Well, unfortunately, that is not true today. My guest today is astoundingly mediocre. I've actually been ducking this interview and he just kept calling me, packing up and I just decided like, you know what, let's just fucking get this over with. It's a rainy, gloomy day. What more perfect weather to welcome my wonderful guest, Mr. John Lovitz, everybody.

John Lovitz, John wake up buddy, buddy. Hey, there we go. Got to get some of this five hour energy to stay awake for this thing. Why are you so mean to me, by the way? Did you hear your aunt how? Why can't you just admit how much you like me? I like you very much, you bustone and bastard. Yeah, you're always like coming at me.

I like how you dressed. I like you have a little flair there in your collar. This is Robert Graham, the shirt and the thing. Who are you wearing? Robert Graham. Robert Graham. Oh. I just said that.

Is that a Macy's line? How's the listening techniques coming along? Are you a Nordstroms guy? No. No, but you know what? What? One of my best friends used to date a guy that his mother was a Nordstrom.

Oh, was part of that family? Yes, like directly, like all of his uncles own it. Oh, so this guy, he was like a bull. And he turns out, no, he was a very nice guy. No, but she, no, my friend was, and I met the guy and I go, he's gay. She goes, no, he's not. And then three, they break up and it turns out

that he's gay, is a very nice guy and he texted me. But anyway, he said- Wait, wait a second. You said you knew before me. You said the guy was dating a guy at Nordstrom. No, let me, no, no. My friend is a woman and she was one of us who was a woman, she was dating a guy

whose family owns Nordstrom. Oh. And at one point, when I first met him, I said, you know, he's that guy, he's very nice, but he's gay. She goes, no, he's not. I go, yeah, yeah. So anyway, at one point she says to me. Why did you know he was gay?

Did you put his hand on him? Because you couldn't, because, anyway, she, my friend said. Was he just walking around chances all? She ended up breaking up and now it was very obvious. So then she says, she says, no, he has a kid in this. So then she says to me, how did you know he was gay? What was your first clue? I go him And he even asked me he goes how did you knew before I knew?

That's bizarre I understand being in the Nordstroms I Well, I didn't think that that was gonna to turn into some lifetime movie coming out to a... Yeah, you did. You knew exactly what you were doing. I knew I was going to pull it off. I don't think people know that we met through... I'm dating up. Randy Waldman, who was a great piano player, and also your helicopter instructor. Instructor.

And I just got out the phone. And did you know, I don't know if you know this, but whenever Randy flies with you, he makes out a new will, right before. That wouldn't surprise me. He always has his hands near the controls when I'm on him. No, he's actually, excuse me, tuberculosis. He's actually as good a helicopter pilot

as he is a pianist and he was a prodigy piano player. His first gig was with Frank Sinatra. Yeah, and now he's doing shows with me. I don't know if you know that. I know. You didn't show up. What, you had a flamme? You know, you called me like last second to

tell me that you're singing your jokes at a Panera bread place April 18th I'll be in vibrato a vibrato jazz club can you can you sing us a joke or something that you're doing maybe yes sure bill burr likes it in the butt. Gently, when you squeeze his left nut, oh, the blood flows out of his butt wherever he goes. Now you're gonna open with that? No. That feels like a middle of the set.

You're the one who's opening. Oh! I see what you're asking. No, but I have a question for you. Because you'll notice this very quickly in this podcast that I have a severe ADD. After seven seconds, my brain goes off on tangents. Now, to be a, I'm really trying to focus.

I'm trying to act like you're Robin Williams, and you just can't control it. No, I'm not. But it try to like your Robin Williams and you just can't know I'm not it's but it's true Yes, you are not I'm never said I'm waiting for years for you to finally admit that the way you carry yourself with the pompous I'm not Robin Williams, but I knew him how a nice guy and I made him laugh Unlike you my question is this is a compliment to you What how do you stay so focused? You have

to be being a helicopter pilot. To me, I'm being sincere now. And it's killing me. But it's impressive that you're a helicopter pilot. Isn't that way harder than flying a plane? Aren't there like a million things to do at once? How do you do it? Well, I've never flown a plane, so I don't know. I can say is if I can learn how to do it, then anybody can learn how. And I actually thought my biggest fear was not learning how to fly it. It was ground school and the test. Because I did not do well in school, so I didn't think. But I also... It was a surprise.

You know, John, whenever you lash out at me like It's I just know it's all self-loathing Okay, and you can come in here with your Tony Curtis haircut and act like you're just the bees knees and I just don't buy it Tony Curtis there's another guy. There's another guy that went to Nordstrom's that I have hair and you don't hmm like it's my fault No, there's just something about the way I's... I didn't give you my jeans. I have nothing to do with it. Why are you saying... I actually had a good idea for you. Jesus.

You know how you play it. Why do you yell at the beginning of your sentences? Is that to shuffling the person? I get excited, no, I get excited. I think... Did you lose it over here? You should have me open for you. You're playing arenas now,

but I think with me you could be playing stadiums Okay, I'll bring you on the road Yeah, but you have to pay me Well, I understand that over I Understand that you want to go on the road with me. Is that what you want John? Is that what this is all about? That's not what this is about, but yeah, I would like That's not what this is about, but yeah, I would like to have never played arena What you've been looking at your face you're aging naturally camera they go the camera adds 15 pounds your camera is adding like a

Hundred no off camera. This is doesn't even exist. You know, there's a lot of women that are into that It's a fetish they They call them pelicanos. You know, like furries? They're ending people with, uh... Son of a bitch bastard. No, your face has... I just got to stay forward. Your face has its own neck pillow. It must be nice when you get on a plane. Well, my grandmother had this.

Your neck fat just kind of catches you before. I know it's true and it's sad. I don't know where this came from, I really don't. I'm thinking maybe it's because I eat too much, but I highly doubt it. It just, it just think I breathed in really hard once and too much air and it went, whoosh, and then it just stuck. Dizzy Gillespie had a neck like that,

but it was because he played the trumpet and changed music. That was his cheek. You on the other hand have that because you eat cake at night No Pastries but that it that it that it that it that it's salt peanuts salt peanuts This is basically You're one of my favorite people in this business because this is all we do is we just give each other shit Yeah, and I have been having a field day With you know the guys never done it guys is always on tech the guys I've been having a field day texting you oh

Here we go annoying things about the guys is well Let's just call this episode the Jew and the Nazi. Let's just get down to it. We do it in text. We've never done it face to face. I'm just presenting. I told you I'm bringing my howitzer. Oh, God. Boom.

Go ahead. No, I just mentioned you. Let the game begin. We like to discuss world politics and ways to solve them or possible sources for the conflict. You know, I have to be honest with you I never had a problem with Jews until I met you and then I was like ah now I get it Every other really Jewish person I met was they were nice They were very family oriented and you just walking around like this bond villain with your little dog

like this bond villain with your little dog. How old is that fucking dog? I mean you can't leave it alone yet? When is it gonna grow up and get a driver's license? He's in good shape, he's 13. His dog is in great shape. Yeah, his name is Jerry Breckheimer III. Yes, that's his actual name. I know.

Unlike you, I'm actually friends with the real Jerry Breckheimer. Oh, I love when you throw your show business friends in my face What was what was gavin the way we always gavin the cloud like When you was like you know when you When you did the love boat, yeah, let's go back. Okay before you had the chins Okay, and you look good in Bermuda shorts, okay?

Don't do that. Don't make the sad face. You know what? I'm just gonna tell you this true story I did a movie once I was an extra and the lead actor said you know what can you do this little bit? And I did it and he goes you could have a career in the comedy and this was years ago And this guy was at his peak his name was Charlie Chaplin You whoever said you were good You actually were great when you were great in The Pete Davidson movie. Mm-hmm every once in a while I King of Staten Island King of Staten Island I'm being sincere. That's why I, first of all, you were so great. Now you were, you started that. I didn't even know, you weren't funny.

You weren't trying to be funny. It was a drama. But you were so great that I didn't know it was you. And I kept going, wait, is that Bill, no that's not Bill Barrett, is that? It is. But in, and you look like 15 years older in the movie, than you do in person.

Can you please explain that one? Well, we- No, really, you look like- I can't just get a fucking word. Can you answer the question? You have a lot of Regis Philburn when you- I'm waiting. They held the beginning of the sentence.

Do I? What's the answer? Come on. I think you were confused because it was actually good and your thoughts of me is that I'm horrible. And I know you joke around about it a lot, but I know that that's coming from someplace. Well deep down, deep down, you are horrible. This is your whole act.

Albert Einstein is a genius. What do you think, Bill? I don't know. Izzy? Izzy? Is he really, really? He couldn't even get a decent haircut. Wait, wait, what's that? His mustache, he couldn't trim it.

The guy who had the AD, he was just, you know, he had to come up with his stuff, Albert. Oh, I sit in the couch and think for 20 minutes. Ooh, that's so hard. I'm gonna do your fucking act. Go ahead. Tss, tss, tss, tss. Wide the chicken cross the road. Ha ha ha.

To get to that cookie on the side. How! And the fucking band kicks in. That's what you do. You fucking lounge leg. No, this is my act. Lounge leg? Can't say lounge leg.

Oh, you wake up in the morning and you brush your teeth. Bill Burr takes it up the butt. You wake up in the morning and you brush your teeth. Bill Burr takes it up the butt. You wake up in the morning and you brush your hair. Bill Burr takes it up the butt. It's as easy as one, two, three, as simple as ABC. You wake up in the morning and you take a breath of air. Bill Burr takes it up the butt, up the butt, up the butt, up the butt. That's my act up the butt, up the butt!

That's my act. Hey, you know what? I have an idea for a movie for you. I know you're looking for a project. I hear it. Alright, you reboot Kung Fu Panda. Alright, you're playing the panda. Just stay with me. Alright? And you still have martial arts, but because it's you, you call it Jiu Jitsu. And it's just about you in a bare suit.

That joke, kicking the shit, you have a Yamaha? Just let me flesh it out. Go ahead. All right, we're not even on page 10. I'm not even giving you the motivation. All right, you're a furry. You meet some chick, she dresses like Yogi Bear and you guys bang.

And then somewhere in there, there's something about the Federal Reserve. I haven't worked out the second and third act yet, but just wondering what you think about that. I like it, to be honest. I think it's very good. You're very smart, creative, creative. You Beverly DeAngelo, and maybe we can get

one of those young pop stars in there. Now I have a movie idea for you. No, Jesus. You're in America and To get to the interview. Now I have a movie idea for you. No, Jesus. You're in America and you're watching the news and you go, I, this, Hamas, I got to help him. He goes over there and go, fellas, fellas, get out of the fucking tunnels. Come on, you're losing.

Let's try something. I have a secret strategy that'll work. Oh, it's like that soccer show that wins all the Emmys all the time. What's that? What's that? Ted Lasso? It's like Ted Lasso meets Hamas. That's how you sell it. Yes. Yeah, Ted Hamas. Yes. All right. But your name isn't Ted Lasso. What could it be? Bill Hitler. Something like that. That's just off the top of my head. It's incredible. Like your hair. And your turn. I don't want to fight you. No, I know. Did you ever see Steve Martin and Mark George show? The first 20... Although there's a murder in the apartment. No, no, they're live show. It's really funny, but no, I've had time,

the first 20 minutes, this is what they do. They go, you know, Hollywood compliment when you're saying something nice, but it's a backhanded. And they just rip each other for 20 minutes like this, and it's hilarious. Like, you know, I love your shirt. Do they make that in men's? You know, gee, you know, you say someone,

what a lovely dress. Do they have it in your size? You know? Yes. They're just completely Do they have in your size, you know, yes They're just completely could you give me some more examples because I didn't understand it the fucking nine bill your act is so funny I forgot to laugh You know, I don't know who forgot to put the ice packs under your fucking eyes today, but like I'm really getting tired of looking at that Puss. What do you think about that? Well, you know what you know what?

Speaking of puss, how is yours coming along because I understand you recently Transitioned and I think it's great. You know What'd they do chopped your dick off and punch a hole and you go I'm good to go Then you go home to your wife. She's like Well, she was Bill. I don't know what to say but you chopped your dick off, but it looks bigger than ever Bill Burr has a penis and now it's an innie This is just your dysfunctional way of saying that you like me it It is. You know- Why are you so guarded with the-

I just want to say something. I think transgender- Say something. You haven't shut the fuck up for 20 minutes. Singing, pitching. Oh, okay. Do you want- I thought this was going to be a dialogue.

All right, go ahead. No. I'm- Where do you want to talk about that? Go ahead, it's not how you start a conversation. How long have you lived alone? Um, that's why you have a dog. You think can't fucking interrupt you.

That's right. Do you squeeze it? Do you squeeze your dog? Sometimes a little too vigorously. When you have a bad set, you come home. You just fucking hear it, it yelps a little bit, and then you get this sense of power that you don't feel you have in the rest of your life.

Is that what happens? And then you go into the bathroom and there's no more condition early left and you blame the dog. Do you? You want me to listen? Yep. And look how the real you, the ugliness spews forth from the bowels of your brain.

My god. What are you talking about? You've been like ridiculously rude. You've interrupted, you're shouting. I'm not shouting. Then you're just sh- I haven't- You've disheveled. Do you want me to just say not- You didn't even dress up, you came in here.

This is dress. You look like you were on your way to the dry cleaners. You're like, oh fuck, I gotta do a podcast. This is designer clothing for you. And this shirt and this jacket are from the same designer. Do you have a deal? Do you have a clothing line?

Or anything like that? I want one, yeah. I would like it. Robert Graham. Robert Graham. Beautiful men's clothing. But John Lovett's collection? Well, I wouldn't like it Robert Graham Robert Graham Beautiful men's clothes John Lovett's collection Yeah, I wouldn't get rid I wouldn't have a big cardboard cut out of you second floor Nordstroms Looking over your shoulder

Bermuda shorts and just you sort of bring it back You know I could go directly to the issues with your father the dentist but I think that's below the belt. Go ahead. I'll talk about your dad who built the hospital and then had you. Yeah. Didn't do much of anything. All right.

Go ahead. Dad's a dentist. Did he forget to teach you how to floss? Jesus Christ. Your breath is so bad my dog's throwing up and he's sitting down there on the floor. And your turn. I love the and your turn. And scene.

I heard your dad didn't die of natural causes. I already saw your act and went home and killed himself. So he went up to see the second show and back to you. Go ahead, be meaner. You know you got it, didn't you? Oh, he's thinking. Well, no, I don't want to be mean. I understand you because it's hard having a father who doesn't really love you, just

thinks of you as baggage and, all right, all right. My dad, I have a twin sister, I was born second, my dad called me placenta. He was joking, but he wasn't. Yeah, but it's good to grow up without love. What did your dad call you? Bowl Movement? Bill.

B.B. By the way, what, your first name is Wilbur. So when you- No, it's William, you fucking idiot. No, it isn't, it's Wilbur. You were Wilbur way, what your first name is Wilbur. So when you know it's William you fucking now it is it's Wilbur you do You were a Wilbur Wilbur. What's your first name Jacob? John? Jonathan changed your first name so you could work in show business. He didn't change love. It's let me I'm saying you're dumb that Why don't you change your name to John O. Loveitz? Maybe John O.

Like David O. Selznick. They used to do that. Maybe you can sell some tickets in the red states. John O. Loveitz coming to Texas. They love it. I like that John O. Loveitz. Do you know the movie producer that had gone with the win, David Selznick.

And he did that. He changed his name to David? David Selznick. And he did that. He changed his name to David O. Selznick. He did exactly that. I know. And the David and the Selznick. And anti-Semites are so fucking stupid that probably worked. Did work. Why do you feel about the news?

I don't watch it. I find it astoundingly depressing. And you know, I saw something stupid comment know, I'm suddenly, you know, I'm suddenly, you know, I'm suddenly, you know, I'm suddenly, you know, I'm suddenly, you know, I'm suddenly, you know,

I'm suddenly, you know, I'm suddenly, you know, I'm suddenly, you know, I'm suddenly, you know, I'm suddenly, you know, I'm suddenly, and then they always like fuck your feelings and everything. They're some of the most sensitive fucking people. Put on a mask. I can't breathe. I thought I was doing a podcast and then I was coming to a comedy show.

What are you talking about? I'm just, okay. I'm trying to answer. You know, maybe if you sold some more tickets you could afford a hood on your sweatshirt. I was going to give you a compliment. You don't know how to do that. No, I saw you on Joe Rogan, and you were talking about the coronavirus.

The coronavirus, yeah. The corona, isn't that a beer? What is it then? Yeah, that's what they called it. Is it corona? Yeah. I thought it was COVID. It is, they also called it the coronavirus.

They called it the Red Bull, the Red Bull flu. No, and you were sitting there with your, trying to be all hip, but not really, but trying hard, but acting like you're not trying hard with your cigar, and you go, I'm not gonna sit here with you. Joe, I love Joe, and I think he's very... I get you're gonna trash me, just get on to it.

No, I'm not trashing Joe. You just said, I'm not gonna sit here with no medical we're not guys here I know medical degree and say what's the cause of in cure of COVID do you remember that? Yeah, finally he's admitting that he's an idiot But right but you're right, but that's that's the news and social media everyone's got an opinion And so they all think they're geniuses and so there's a lot of disinformation out there. For example, I've seen a lot of tweets about you, oh he's so funny, so funny, you've got to see his show,

he's hilarious, and I'm like disinformation is incorrect. And maybe I should say like disinformation ain't right, but that's what it's you know this information is incorrect yeah no there's a lot of uh that'll get letters there's a lot of shit there's a lot of I just yeah I just sort of like I tap out what why are you drinking that shit to wake me up I don't sleep good I didn't get up at eight this morning and like went, oh god, I went to bed at 10, I kept waking up. It's so early. I know, but that's like liquid cocaine.

And a man in your shape. Yeah, so what? How much blood did you do back in the day? I didn't do any. I didn't need, first of all. Remember the basketball player, Len Bias lend bias cocaine for you was powdered sugar Right pie on top of your chocolate. I got Saturday night live I gained 10 pounds every year for five years, and it's still there until we tell me this here is cake from 85

I haven't been able to tell people what Lauren said to you when you kept putting on weight. What did he say to you? um We don't need another fat guy. Oh John. We already have a fat person fat guy People what Lawrence said to you when you kept putting on weight. What did he say to you? um We don't need another fat guy. Oh John. We already have a fat person. You're a fat guy. We don't need a fat guy But we didn't have a fat guy Maybe he meant Chris Farley, but um I Never I never did that stuff member Len buys the basketball player. He's just to be he was gonna be like LeBron James or Michael Jordan James LeBron James or Michael Jordan. How could it be LeBron James?

LeBron James wasn't around yet. He was in college. No, he was going to be like the next, he would have been giant thing in the NBA. We were finally going to get a step. And he was 23, he did cocaine and he had a heart attack and died. There you go, it was the first time he did it. I don't know, but it scared the crap out of me. I don't think the first time you try cocaine you free base it I have no idea

But that it was a real tragedy bill. I know the Celtics drafted him I was fucking living in the state at the time We actually fucking agree and you're still yelling at me Don't stare at me like I'm all of us. You know what? This is classic, classic abuse. You don't have that emotion. You know what? You don't have access to that. You know when you cry?

You know when you cry? It's not my fault, you and bald. I had nothing to do with it. Let blame somebody else. Listen, if you think your hair system is fooling anybody, you've had that fucking receding hairline for 40 years and it hasn't moved. You took the back off of your hair off your back and you stuck it on your head and

now you're sitting acting like you're better than me. You're not. You're not. I am. Hey, ball don't lie. The ball don't lie. Right. You can keep, say that to yourself all day long.

But the fact is deep in your heart, we both know I am better than you. Can you please pop your collar when you do that? And are you gonna start crying? Me! What's it like having someone sit across from you and you go, my God, I've met my match? I rip people all the time on stage, they laugh, but this guy comes back like a fucking howitzer.

There's nothing I can say that he doesn't ever come back. Wait a second. Boom, boom, boom. You're like, oh my god, I thought it was just me. Just me. Just me, well it ain't. Are you fucking writing your own good review here? I mean, I knew we had what a nice back and forth. I didn't realize it was so one-sided. What do you mean? I'm saying you're hysterical. But I'm saying, I'm coming back at you and you don't know what to do. So you go to the bottom, the butt, the pit, the depths, the nuts, the below, the belt.

What are you talking about? You've been singing about me taking it in the ass like from the beginning. You immediately went bodily fluid jokes. Don't act like you're- I said what? Don't act like you're fucking, you have a higher brow fucking comedy than I do. I said that, I would never say that.

I'm just saying. You look like an extra in casino. I'm extra. We need someone who looks like a degenerate. We need to have somebody that looks like they've never won in their life. I know John Lovitz. Should we give him some lines? You know what you look like?

We don't want him to act. We want this picture to make money. Here's a nice... Stick them in the back. Shut your face. Yeah. Stick them in the back. Here's a movie for you.

You know what? Your nose makes your face very aerodynamic. You go... That's a good one. That's a good one. Yeah. Do you stick your head out the window like Ace and Chura? I have an idea for a movie for you.

You go to a school. You're a teacher, a school for the deaf. And they all gather outside, right? And then you go to teach them. You go, hi, Mr. Burr. I'm going to teach you, right? And then they go, what are you doing? They're fucking deaf.

And you go, oh, sorry. And you go, and you start doing sign language. And then all of a sudden the sun comes out from behind a cloud, and it bounces off your head, and it blinds them. Now they're deaf and blind. Because it's a gene off of your head. It's called the Helen Kellers. And then what happens is Jack Black comes in

and teaches him to play guitar, and that's the happy ending that everybody wants. I'm gonna go, I didn't wanna go here, but now I am. Because you're going, oh, your nose, your nose. Okay, what's this fucking wannabe mole right here on your head? What's that bump? It's pre-cancerous. Is it cancerous?

But it's too close to my brain so they can't remove it. Fingers closed. You know, I'll tell you what that is. I'm going to tell you the truth about that thing. And I know the truth. Good, now I'm going to talk about your fucking airbags on your goddamn eyes. And you said, doctor, what is this thing on my head? The dermatologist says, I don't know.

You better go to a specialist. So you went to a German dermatologist and he goes, oh, that thing on your head is going to become a full grown penis. And he said, cause that's where he's from. And so, and you, Bill Burr said, doc, what are you saying? I'm gonna walk around the rest of my life, And so, and you, Bill Burr said, Doc, what are you saying? I'm going to walk around the rest of my life

seeing a dick hanging in front of my eyes. And he says, no, you'll never see it. And you go, why not? He goes, because your balls will be covering your eyes. And that's what that is. Because your question, does your right eye get more sleep than your left eye? Why is the bag under your left eye so much bigger than the right eye?

I mean, yeah, that one that one has it's fucking gigantic. This is what I look like I used to look like this. All right Alone I look like 20 years younger. Why don't you check this out? That's amazing. Oh Wow, check the hair I can so why don't you just get some tape you do like you do the movie of your life I'm thinking of it's called. She's shot at a derm. Nobody you were talking. So nobody wants to play you in Hollywood So you have to play yourself. So we just get some tape Okay, and this is young John love it. We keep your hair salt and pepper, right? We just and we just bring it back down for the closing number in the end some tape, okay, and this is young John Lovitz. We keep your hair salt and pepper, right? We just, and we just bring it back down

for the closing number in the end. And we'll give you character cancer and you'll get nominated. You know, am I supposed to be looking into your eyes or looking at this thing? Because it's becoming another head. All right, well, why don't you vacuum up the room with your fucking nose?

How about that? You son of a bitch. Yeah, why don't you? You got a big shark nose. Do they close the beach when you land your back huh you want to go old school here oh you want to go down that down down that down that town I'm gonna go down that street all right I'll do that with your fleece overcoat stop staring at me like you know how to fight although you've had a couple of

scraps in your life haven't you oh yeah think you got your fist all balled up Huh? You ready? Good thing you pulled your hand away because I almost killed you. I don't want to have that eczema I would have squished the thing. I would have squished the thing. Is that from Jerkinoff in Alaska? No you fuck-a-bod. It's psoriasis. You have psoriasis? I can't tell you how much that just made me happy. And you have alopecia. So what's the difference?

Well, yeah, now we're equal. I'd rather, I can take medicine to get rid of this. Oh, can you? You? Why don't you? That hair ain't coming back. You're not selling enough fucking tickets? Without surgery.

I could go out and get a fucking... You know what, actually, I could have gone out and got a fucking hair system like you and sit across like some retired game show host. This is all natural I don't know what you're talking about. I know. Let me ask you this question. Wait a minute. Do you feel any guilt with a fucking hair system trashing somebody? That's like somebody with fake titties making fun of some flat chested chick. Oh after what you said about my nose and the fat under my chin. No, I don't feel any guilt.

I feel great. Now, let me ask you this. How did you go? This is a real question. Okay. When you're playing a club, right, or you used to, but you remember, now you're playing a theater and then you play arenas. Do you have to change your, like in an arena, like your timing as if you were in a say like an improv club is it

Would you have to do anything different and if so what no? No, okay, the sound systems are amazing now, so you don't have to do that It's not like back in the day when they used to bounce off the back and then come at you, you know Really? Yeah, well, I mean, I don't know why you need this information. You're never going to play in arena. No shit. That's why I went, you know, open for you so I could. I did it once.

I'll have you cut. I was at Madsen Square Garden. It wasn't me. I was there. I was at a Knicks game. Bill. Yeah, no. Paul Simon was raising money for short people.

Like a bus for more like an ambulance to go into help people in New York City. All people? Or just your people? No. Okay. African American people. Okay. I was just making sure.

Making sure your heart was in my head. So they had a big concert. It was called Big Blue, I think, at Madison Square Garden. It's called The Ambulance is Going to Christendom. And then I was in it, and I got on stage doing my Liar character, my very famous bit, and this was like an end, and I was just, I'd never been on a stage. You know, I'd seen bands, but I'd never been on the stage. It was, you know, Madison Square Garden is like 19,000 people.

And I think when you did it, it was like 18,000. This was 19,000. And it was like 18,000 this is and it was like amazing so fucking petty it was so it was so you want to your petty it was a fucking comedian one time he goes like you know I did it in the round these other guys are doing it like fucking they got the stage and blah blah he didn't fucking say that it was so fucking petty I hate though I did once you on the round I think it's the stupid. It's good. Maybe it's good for a music. I like it. It's you do. Yeah Within your back's always to somebody. It's like ridiculous

Yeah, but it also it makes it way more intimate. Well, what do you do? Do you draw a little face on the back of your head? And get like lips a little mechanical lips and blah blah blah blah so that I hate it I think it's just because your stupidest idea ever for a state listen just because you're limited as a performer doesn't mean you have to keep attacking my looks I've no why don't they do why don't they do a stage where like it's you know everybody's in their arena and the stage is outside in the parking lot why don't they do that yeah I don't even know what that means well I'm just saying it's a dumb idea why don't you stop doing this every well I'm just saying it's a dumb idea why don't you stop doing this every time I'm talking I've noticed you do that what

you start going up start revving the engine of your voice cuz I get an idea John I know and that day I get all excited I ask you a question sweetheart would you read my word why are you gay I don't know why are you gay? I don't know Why are you here? Is there a producer invited me? No, you fucking asked me. No, you asked me no years years What am I doing your podcast? Yeah, I'm not doing a podcast and then you might do bucket and then you come in here And you were just bringing this rude energy that I do not appreciate. Where's the warmth?

Where's the guy? When I watched your VHS tape that your agent sent me. Excuse me, did you forget the name? That your agent sent me. That your agent sent me. And I popped that into one of the last VCRs in Los Angeles and I watched your set at that Elks Club. I saw a young man with one chin

that was warm and respectful to his audience and then you come in, this fucking abomination. Yeah, let me just say something to you. Right behind you is a sign, it says all things comedy. What are you doing? Can you start being funny? Because I have to do this five hour energy to keep myself awake to listening to your crap. You know what I let's be honest Bill goes oh we both had fathers that were not

nice let's put it like that like really so I go Bill I have a book for you. I'd say distracted. The verbally abusive relationship it might help you and what did Bill get out of it now John I have new ways to abuse you thanks for the book. Oh That fucking I mean they had there was like there was like a highlights magazine Like self-help book. I actually lost a lot of respect for your intellect when you sent me that book It was like did he buy this at the airport? They've seen people buy books at the airport?

You know, I don't know if you're trying to be funny right now. Are you being serious? I can't tell. But you're really hurting my feelings. Not. Because you can say whatever you want, but I'm probably 10 years older than you. So probably I have more experience. I have 10 years more. You have what failing

Fuck I think if people are gonna listen to this they're gonna go bill one bill one No, they're not they're gonna be they this is like when my wife comes on she trashes me they love it And I'm enjoying it. I'm actually enjoying your pathetic attempts To try and hurt me. We're watching all things comedy. This show is not funny. And I'm funny, but you're... Listen, John, you know something, the number one way... The difference between you and me is this.

No, I'm gonna interrupt. This is different. You're funny, you're funny, you're very funny. But you're a comic, I'm a comedian. So you say funny things, I say things funny. I can say anything and make it funny. Okay. Can you?

No I can't. I'm gonna give you the word, I'm gonna spell it out. You give me an exam, I wanna see how the master does it. I'm gonna spell out the word, just one word and let's see if you can make it funny, because I can. H-E, Ivens can spell it out and be funny. Just go away. H-E-L-L-O. Oh God. What's the word? It's John Lovett. He goes,

hello. Thank you. That's how you do it. Yes, hello. Yeah, and it's funny. Now let you do it. You know what you have? You have-door neighbor on a sitcom level chops say the word No, no say the word no make it funny go Tick-tock times up Now I'll go No Oh And I'm laughing

John I don't understand you Nobody does I like you. I don't understand me either So do you have anything to promote or do you just come in here to rip me a new one? Oh, I didn't know if I could well you did it by the way I mean you fucking destroy me and I haven't I didn't really I didn't even get started in a book. All right, believe me No, I got plenty more in the tank. Oh, I do relax My second show is gonna be completely different I'm doing this again, what are we doing? You're supposed to I think you do a series of this supposed to come on

Here's the first one we rip each other the second one is we're like really nice Then the third one is we're back to ripping each other. And then the fourth one is, you just rip yourself, like you do every morning anyway, with your own thumb. Now, I don't wanna plug you, nice try. Can you just promote something to make this worth our while? Well, I'm at the Laugh Factory in Vegas,

and that's at the Tropicana Hotel, but they're tearing down that hotel. That hotel lasted 70 years until they booked you. And now they're tearing it down. I mean, it was a class, they have that beautiful, that glass ceiling. What is it? They don't take care of that hotel.

The people that work there are very nice. But even the people that work there, they go, yeah. They don't kick take. Once they set it, they go, yeah, they stop vacuuming. They don't care. They don't take care of the people that stay there. And that's why they booked you there. Like this is what they're giving you?

No, they had an amazing room. I can't imagine what the buffet is. Oh, I don't have my phone on me. They have an amazing room on the 20th floor. Huge, sweet, amazing views. Oh, that's what, and that was horrible. You could see, I'm on Las Vegas Boulevard. And I look at it and there's a big billboard of MGM, and then you kept popping up on it.

Bill Burr at the park, what was it? I don't, Park MGM. Park MGM. Over and over, every 10 seconds. Boom, there's your face. Boom, there's your face. Boom, there's your face. I never, I had to go to the hospital. You were texting me. I got so sick. You were texting me. No, I think it's great. I actually am very supportive. I think it's amazing that you or any other comedian, Joe Coy, used to open for me, playing arenas. There used to be, there was Steve Martin, and then there was like Andrew Dice Clay, and then I don't know, and then Dane Coy. I loved Joe Coy. And then everyone's, there's like ten of them. CAA, the agency, they dropped me. They go, we only want arena X I go well what is it there's seven and then I said

they go no we said we only want renal renal X like Bill a re rectum renal how bad did Joe Coy get fucked on that award show they give the guy ten fucking days to come up with that and then everybody's like ripping them and that actress called them an asshole and stuff it was just like as a comic I was just going like like who hasn't been there? They'd ended up being like a bad corporate gig, you know what I mean? Like they just make jokes about ourselves. Yeah, I mean, some of his jokes were really fun.

It's weird if you- He's a fucking great comic. I worked with that guy a long time ago. He's ridiculously, ridiculously talented. And then they- Oh, he used to open for me. And a lot of people did. And then they moved on. No. And then I said, he got your turn. I said, I can't follow you. Now I could follow him easy, but then I couldn't. But he's a great comedian. No, I used to open for me for a year

and a half. Now, what does that mean? And that's not like you, when you're backstage and you say to your, that you're opening at you, can you open for me? You're in your green room. Is it true you were a body double for Al Gore? Is it true that you were Jewish and then you tell everyone you're not so that because you were just push. Oh, come on.

Bill Burowitz. Yeah, I found out. I did a deep dive on Wikipedia. Yeah, your nose job is great, Bill. John, is it true that your last dog killed itself because it got so sick of the loneliness? Is it true that your children want to change their last name to love it because they

want to be associated with a comedian that's actually funny? And your wife, Mrs. Loewe. Is it true that you haven't bought clothes since 1991? No. Is it true that? You have a giant cheese ball in the crack of your ass right now, and you go leave it. I want it to grow Is that true I wouldn't reflect it more on you than it did on me did yeah But you're your thing is about you and then you're just pinning it on me.

So go ahead. Is it true that after the Tropicana closes, they're going to bring you to Treasure Island, and then they'll quickly tear that one down too? Are you doing the John Lovett's Kills What's Left of the Vegas Strip tour? Is it true that they put you at the park MGM? Because that was the only place where they had a toilet

wide enough for your fucking ass butt shit dick fucker. Is it true you got fired from the Paris because you know has made the Eiffel Tower look too small? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Is it true you just got cancelled by the anti-defamation league because you're hiding your anti-semitism behind jokes and now? You know, anti-def... I mean, I can still sell tickets. Nobody gets cancelled, you get demoted. Is it true that, John, you're quit twiddling your thumbs. What's the real issue here?

If you could go back and change one thing in your life, John, we're going to end with some questions. I would make my penis smaller because it's so big that women, they call it the anchor. I've split many women and I don't mean to. And it's sad. Yeah. Next question.

All right. Hey, I have a question. Your favorite gig you've ever done. Oh, we're being serious? Sorry. I mean, I would say the most fun, although I had, of course, you've ever done. Oh, we're being serious? Sorry, I mean, I would say the most fun, although I had, of course, you didn't, was a Saturday night live.

Live television is the best. Now, I had a great time on this. Well, if you're going to go on there and do a monologue like that, Bill, I mean, oh, God. I mean, I've never heard more silence than, you know, in my life. I mean, I thought you were funny, but clearly the audience didn't. And as you pointed out, I'm an idiot, so... Hmm.

SNL was your favorite cake? Yeah, I mean, it was really hard. Kevin Nielen said it once. He goes, every week, your highest highs and your lowest lows. Because you would go to, you know, I couldn't believe I was there the whole time I was on there. I couldn't hear you. You couldn't, yeah, I know.

I know, I know what you're saying. No, I couldn't even say Saturday night live, the whole time I'm on Saturday night live. I couldn't literally, I couldn't believe I was there. Did your dad ever show up and actually? He did come to a show and then at the end he was end I looked at him and he was like, he was beaming which made me feel great. Because that was the whole point, you know, trying to make him happy.

What a waste of time. But he was happy that night. He was happy that night. Yeah, and I was thrilled, you know, and I just to seem smile like that was fantastic. It would be like, can you imagine that? You're on stage and anybody in your family or your wife, anybody, and you finish and their crowd's on their feet cheering

and they're looking at you and they're not frowning. But smiling. Can you, right? No, that's why I'm your friend. No, my family's been very supportive. Yeah, right. Listen, John, not everybody. Yeah, because you pay, you give them money. That's why I'm your friend. No, my family's been very supportive. Yeah, right. Listen, John, not everybody. Yeah, because you pay, you give them money.

That's why they're supportive. John, not everybody. You're a narcissist. Not everybody, but just because you grew up that way doesn't mean everybody did. You know, I've had issues. Yeah, but you did. We've talked about it.

Don't start with me. No, but you acting like my whole family. I, it wasn't my whole family, all right? They just relax with that and stop fucking leaning forward like oh look at you Look at you. Look at you. I touched the nerve. No, no, no I don't mind if you you trash my dad. I that doesn't bug me, but I mean you can't take everybody else out Everybody else was fucking cool. Were they? Oh, you just went a little law and order there. Were they? Were they? I don't know about that.

Were they? Were they? Yeah, I don't know about that. I'm doing you. Back to you. Were they? Were they? Yeah.

Oh. John, you know, I don't think people would realize- Well, that's the one thing I've said that you actually got offensive of. But you can make fun about- I got offensive of? You got a Jewish nose. You're not- I never said you had actually got offensive of but you can make fun about I got a fence of those Jewish knows you're not a Jewish knows You have a huge on love it and I'm proud you John. Oh, I am what I am I don't know you know, I didn't have a choice about it Look you went after the mall

It's the biggest thing on my face and I had to go I had to go back with the biggest thing on you I went up to the mole because you went after every you talk about trying to look you in the aisle I see is a tip of your nose. It's like a fucking oil tanker is coming into port. Oh Yeah, family doesn't know you know what Leonardo de Caprio should be standing on the bridge of your fucking nose going like that The only reason your family was supportive because they were hoping once you played a renaissance you'd give them a bunch of money The only reason your family was supportive, because they were hoping once you played arena, actually you'd give them a bunch of money. Oh, you fucking bastard.

Now dry your tears and get the fuck out. You know what, I'm taking over. You know something? Welcome to all things comedy. I'm glad your blood sugar's through the roof. Why don't you ask me another question? You know what, when are you gonna lose your first toe from that disease?

When are you gonna get wart medicine and just take this thing off right here? Well, not another year you want to be able to see out of that eye the way that thing's growing. Do you wear a one-piece bathing suit because you're ashamed of your torso? Yes. Don't do that. That's not fair.

Surprises. You can't. Come on. You can't come on you can't have feelings And you were sleep it's like you have a leprosy and everyone makes funny I go there why? Hey, do you have a why did you guy not give me kidding now bill? I mean we joke, but that's too far Acting thank you. Do you have your eye again? Do you have you? Do you have you? Do you have your initials on your slippers? I feel like you're really like old Hollywood like you have one of those phones that curls around We were one of that Joan you know I wish I was in all holiday because that my I love those movies

And I don't fit in it. I don't fit here. I know you talk like you from the depression. I know I don't fit in it, I don't fit here. I know, you talk like you're from the Depression. I know. Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea. John Lovett is at the Lafactory at the Trapacana. Nice to see you folks, how are you? This is the character Eddie Spamoso, a gangster on the phone with his mother,

but he has syphilis of the brain like Al Capone. Hello ma, yeah it's me Eddie. Eddie Spamoso, S-P-I-M-O-Z-O. No, Eddie, your son. The good-looking one. No, Eddie! Now listen, Ma. Doesn't like you've never listened before. Dolphys and me are getting married. Yeah, tonight. Eight o'clock. So how far the Merigliano come on over? About 7.45. All right, I gotta go. I gotta go, yeah. Well, why'd you stick your hand in it if it was boiling? All right, I gotta go, I gotta go I gotta go that yeah well why'd you stick your hand in it if it was boiling all right I gotta go I gotta go yeah what now you listen to me I don't

care who you are keep those filthy jokes to yourself no I gotta go I gotta go yeah well what's bill bird doing now well put that thing on and try and slip it in. He's crying? Blood. He says it hurts? No, put it in his butt then. Now what? He's smiling. Really.

Listen, John, you can put all your fetishes on me. What are the questions you... I know, I know. Yeah, nice try. Mirror, mirror, me. What are the questions? I know, I know. Yeah, nice try. Mirror, mirror, mirror. Oh, okay. What do we eat? Oh, it's opposite day.

No, you've just gone with the anal thing quite a bit on this show. Because the word butt, it's just poop and butt, it's just funny. I don't care how you are. I'll do this one. They laugh. Sorry, my lip is gas. It's like an eight-year-old old and that's what you're like. Oh no, my comedy is sophisticated and sub-bove.

I don't go for the cheap laughs. John, who are you talking to right now? Who are you talking to right now? Blue-dly, blue-dly, blue. Who are you talking to right now? I hope we don't go too far and it ruins our friendship. Now, did you have another question? No, I mean, you're at the tropicana.

You enjoyed doing... Well, I'll be're at the tropic Anna you enjoyed doing I'll be elsewhere and then I'm on the road You know I play all the improv comedy clubs and I'm delightful anyone in particular I'm on a game show you might want to be in Miami in a couple of weeks in February But you know it's just you know look at their schedule, and then I'm what else am I doing? I'm on that game game game. I've ever you asked me to plug stuff. You just told them to look at the schedule. I think it's February 22nd or something, the 23rd to the 25th.

Listen, I don't want to get a text message from you saying that my podcast is nothing for you. Well, doesn't it, plug in stuff, albeit the Laugh Factory, you know, February, I think, 15, 16, 17, and then I'm on a game show, funny you should February, I think, 15, 16, 17. And then I'm on a game show, Funny You Should Ask. It's just comedians telling jokes.

What's the name of the show? Funny You Should Ask. Oh, I thought you were talking to me. You talk like that. No, that's the name of the show. Yeah, Funny You Should Ask. Yeah, well, I'm a good actor. You see, you can't tell the difference.

OK. Oh, and I'm doing an acting class one-on-one with you. Oh, God. I don't know if you'll ever get it. All right, and to what else? No, we're not ending this. Well, it's only supposed to be a half hour. Well, you'll have to divide up into two shows. What do you mean a half hour? I was told it was an hour.

Well, that's what we said, so you'd shut up. I wouldn't get up for a half hour. What do you mean you wouldn't get up? What time is it? I have... Yeah, it's 11. We. I wouldn't get up for a half hour. What do you mean? You wouldn't get up? What time is it? I have yeah, that's 11. We've done an hour. We've done an hour. You've got nowhere to go I have a meeting There in school about trying to get better guests on my podcast. I Gonna tell you John you have definitely been the low point I've been doing this podcast for a long time and every time I think like wow that guest just laid a fucking egg

You are the new benchmark, you know everything you do is great. Well, including sucking. I take that as a compliment coming from you You look like I knew that would make you'd not say anything. No, I was just wanted to say you look like Al del Vecchio Well, the guy with the guy ran Arnold's The guy ran what Arnold's on happy days. Oh, there you go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What are you looking at? If we Gabby Hayes, I don't know who that is, but that's hilarious day Who was a actor what played a Western strong guy gates and leave you hanging in a big beard Do you only watch old shit too like me? Mm-hmm? actor what played a Western strong guy gays and even he had a big beard do you only watch old shit too like me mm-hmm remember this actor petty coach

Junction never tell you what's going on that's a big thing baby I never saw petty coach Junction but I started watching Manics well my my you might like this story one of my best friends I grew up with his dad was a tiger and was captain Greer and mod squad Squad. Do you watch that? You know, I can't find what his best friend was, Mike Connors. I met... I'm trying to respond to your questions. I would watch Mod Squad if I knew where to watch it.

I liked that one when I was a kid. Watch it on your TV. Well, isn't it... What channel is it on? I don't know. Everything's on YouTube though. They've downloaded everything. Yes, even when you had hair.

Oh man. Oh man. Young Bill Burr. You look like Opie with the red hair and the freckles. That's a good one. Yeah. I never heard of that one. That's a fucking fresh reference.

By the way, is Annie Griffith your dad? Did you sleep with Aunt B? Do you know that's why I couldn't watch that show? Why? Aunt B just fucking annoyed the shit out of me. Now she annoyed me. I could you know every time I see... I can imitate her. Hello? Every time I... Oh, Andy! That's my one impression, one of my impressions I do. Andy! Bill, Bill's here. Bill, come quick. impressions I do. Andy! Oh, Bill Burr's here. Bill, come quick, I'm horny.

Oh, God, Hickory. Boo! Put it under my apron. Delightful. Yeah, that's you. I like how you go, yeah, the confidence afterwards. Like, it was amazing. Well, I have to do that in case it didn't work.

Cod salad. All right, John, despite your rudeness. Did you want to ask me any questions? Is this an interview? Boring, but go ahead. I have to, it's 11 o'clock. I have to be somewhere at 11.30. No, you don't. You are a very fair weather friend.

No wonder I'm here because it's raining. I just did an hour. The podcast is actually it's over and you're still talking. Well, I have John Lovitz. Don't leave them wanting. I have a question for you. This is leave them wanting less. But I have a real question for you.

This is real. You asked me what was my funnest thing I read. Funnest? I'm not that fun. Most fun. Yes, thank you. What was the most performing, what was the most exciting thing you've done? Yeah, what was it? No, I don't know.

Oh, you're asking? I'm asking you. Oh. As a comedian or actor, what was the most, where you were like, oh man, this is... There's too many to list. I had a fucking great time last night at the comedy store in the OR. It was just fun. I was trying new shit out. I had a great time.

And then this fucking lady just started yelling at me, like saying what I was saying wasn't true. Oh, you new rector? I didn't, I didn't really. I just kind of, in the end, I was just like, there was just no talking to her. And I just said, I'm sorry, you're right. Do me a favor text me or

tweet me all the books that you've read so I can attain your level I just went like that I just like she said what you were saying wasn't right says it wasn't true wasn't true oh so it was all the anti-semitic stuff no but is no it wasn't about you know you could just because that you give a fuck about anything but yourself. No, they should have an entire wing in the Museum of Tolerance just about you. And on that note, it has nothing to do with Jewish people. It's just how to tolerate. No, you walk in.

You walk in and it's a giant picture of you and it says don't judge us all because of him that you that's a great joke oh thank you fucking Simon finally Simon there you go is my own the fucking yeah I'm sitting back and judging you because I'm older than you know you're not because you actually really respect me and you like me And this is your way of showing it. Well, why can't you why you got to be a cunt the whole time? You're the cunt Let me tell you something you dirty rotten scoundrel. Oh But what did you really want to say?

What did I want rhymes with pew? You know, it's great about you being Jewish is anytime anybody goes to call you out about what a fucking asshole you are you get to act like Oh, it's you're you're saying that about all of us. No, I'm saying it about you I wish you had lapels on right now so I could just grab hold of both of them and just tell you how much I don't like you and I wish that you were funny How much I don't like you and I wish that you were funny To my bones at how much I like you please please and I go through special after special after special Dying to laugh wanting to laugh praying to laugh

Just doesn't happen. No no Really this year like really really I don't think so really really that should be the name of your next special really What's your name around really what what should be what should be the name of your memory of the Go ahead you go on your stuff sorry about that I Tried it was almost an hour. I tried Okay, I can't get in that much too funny You have a five. I can't get one because I'm too funny. How many do you have? 10 No, I don't I don't I don't sit around counting how many specials I have

Oh, okay, so many you lost count. I think you do. No, because I move on to the next thing and try and challenge myself and grow as a person that I like you. And what would that be? And what would that be? April 18th, I'm doing my singing show at Vibrato, Comedy Sink with Randy Waldman,

your helicopter instructor. You know what? I would go there and heckle you, but I love Randy too much. He's the opposite of you. He's a sweetheart. He's a opposite of you. He's a sweetheart. He's a caring man. And he's a nice man.

Very nice. You know what? And I don't have to fucking figure out how to tolerate him. And he's one of your people. You know what? I just... He's one of your people. That's right.

And he's a nice guy. And he's generous. I just realized the difference between you and me. Talent versus no talent? My, no. My, everyone goes, well, how are you funny? I go, all my characters, and it's character I'm acting, it's an arrogant idiot, but it's a character. But with you, you actually are an arrogant idiot. Wow.

We'll be right back. You should have rubbed your chin at the end of that. All right, John. Me and both of them? Hmm. I would rub my chin. I can't find it. You know why God gave you two hands? So you could rub both your chin.

You rub both your chin so you can use that. I'm way ahead of you. I'm way ahead of you. What's bigger? Speaking of head. Your second chin or your ballsack at this point? Which hangs the wrong? I don't know.

I just wish I would have brought my sunglasses because that glare off your head is literally burning my... Oh, we get it on balls! No, do you get it? Jesus! Am I talking to you or is that just a penis with eyes? What? Oh, by the way, if anybody's taking this seriously, this is all that we do. And most of all, it is a thing.

I love it, Bill. It is a thing. It is a thing. If I ever read our tweets, I mean, that would be the end of both of us. I'm going to give you a very big compliment. Not only are you a great comedian, you stand up, but you are truly a great actor. I don't know how you did it, but the King of Staten Island, your acting was, you were amazingly great. Like very rare that people can do both.

I mean, I know it's true though. It's very rare. Well I enjoy doing it. Like you're acting on a deep, sorry, a level though. I mean, like if you were just an actor, you'd be, he's a great actor. Well, I gotta be honest with you, I'm happy that I'm not just an actor,

because for whatever reason, they don't wanna pay actors anymore. It's fucking unbelievable. Well, no, the reason is when they paid, Mark Canton decided to pay Jim Carrey 20 million on Cable Guy, and everyone else was like Schwarzenegger and so on, they were getting 15. So then they said, well, if he's getting 20, then no, I'm gonna tell you, then we should be getting 25, 30. So the money,

that extra 5 million that would go to actors like me was gone. The character actors. They devalued everything because they give every—you can watch every movie now and every documentary and every TV show for 20 bucks when you used to pay like 10 bucks to see each movie. That's why there's no money. That's what I think. It's been like devalued.

It's like fucking Spotify. Music is now free. And then all the money goes to the people that own Spotify. I don't think it has to do a gym carrying they pay him $20 million in his fucking movies made like 200 million so they were plus 180 why are you staring at me like you fucking having a stroke 80 I hope what I sorry I you were so articulate that my brain shut down no it is because of that you weren't if you weren't so here you weren't working You had a hug that you weren't work. What were you doing 30 20 years ago?

Were you making movies? I was inspired to get to the business of your ass I'm telling you what happened. I was inspired you inspired me getting this business I was like if this ugly post can get on TV Anybody can John loves everybody John. I love you to death. I post can get on TV, anybody can. John loves everybody. John, I love you to death. I love you too, Bill. Yeah, dude, I have an unbelievable respect for all of your work,

and I can't believe that I even know you, and one of my favorite things in this fucking business is texting back and forth with you. You're a fucking gem, and you're a sweetheart, and he's an unbelievably talented guy. Go see him him April 18th at vibrato with the great Randy Waldman go see him February 20 something at the laugh factory in no 15 15 16 16 17 and where the Tropicana that's a Tropicana then the next month April 2nd they're

closing the hotel hotel the Tropicana, they're closing it. They're closing it, and they're ending on a high note with the great John Lovitz. See, that's called a compliment. You should fucking try it sometime. All right, everybody, thank you so much for listening. Your dog is fucking cute as hell, man. I gotta admit, is that how you meet the ladies?

You fucking dirtbag. When he was a puppy, I did, not now. Oh, not now? What's he bringing in now? Octogenarians? Huh? What's the oldest? What's the oldest you'd go? What's the oldest thing you bend over? Hot 90 year old? You'd bend her over a Davenport? She's hot. Yeah. Yeah. I go to nursing homes. Hello ladies. I don't want to disrespect women out there but but there's you like younger men Alright John, I love you. Thank you so much for coming in I know as a thank you bill I'm looking forward to coming back next week. Okay. All right the great John love it's everybody and his dog

Look out the dog's wagon his tail. It's so excited bull shit's over. All right. Have a great weekend you guys Hey, what's going on it's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday February 1st 2016 What's going on there you go the first month of the year is out of the way. An old Billy Boozebag has been doing really well. Alright, last time I got hammered. Last time I got hammered was the last day. Versey was out here visiting me. Whatever fucking day that was, it was like the second or third of January.

And I didn't drink for the rest of the month, other of January and I Didn't drink for the rest of the month other than the fact I had eight beers left over from the Rose Bowl So I just drank like one a day for eight straight days Always wanting a second forget about a third in a ninth beer, but I just I Just had one that was it, it's not bad for me. You know, I went like three weeks without drinking, then eight straight days, I only had one beer, and then yesterday I didn't have any beer in the fridge. I might have a Guinness left, but I didn't drink it.

So, you know, we were out here, it was Sunday, it was fucking raining. To beat the band. Is that the fucking expression? To play the band? I have no idea what it was fucking pouring out here for like legitimately the almost the entire day. Which is great. We could probably use about 90 more of those days, but that was good that that was happening. So I just fucking stayed home didn't do shit. Last time I did Joe Rogan's podcast He gave me some elk meat that he had

He fucking killed an elk he murdered it Premeditated the man got in his car said I'm gonna kill a fucking up But he didn't know which one so we can only get him on second-degree murder And I became an accessory to the murder when I agreed to take some of the carcass off his hands. Now, he just gave me these two-like, giant, softball-sized things of elk and they've been sitting in my freezer. So I heard the meats really lean and that it could be a little gamey. So I just looked up some recipes and there was something there for like elk chili. And so I made that yesterday and it was fucking delicious. Of course, the lovely Nia goes out there and be like, is this done? This doesn't look done. This doesn't. I guess I'm just not used to

chili with this like consistency. This looks more like a stew because it wasn't any tomato paste in the recipe. It was still delicious. It was definitely a little more watery. So she had to go out and go fuck with the whole thing and I'm eating the one that I made and I'm enjoying it. She just keeps in like the other room just kept going like dad or not. I just think of these like more salt or whatever. And then finally I was just like, well, you shut up. It's fine. Fucking time I go out in the kitchen, she fucking nitpicks whatever the hell it is

that I'm making, it's fucking unbelievable. She makes something I eat, it's good. Go out there and go to the fucking spice rack. You know, it's rude. It's rude. So we got into it, you know, as we always do, right? Get into it a little bit. Then she laughs, tell me to go fuck myself.

And then she gave me her version with the tomato paste. And you know what I say? I said, oh yeah, I see what you're saying. I like it. You know that? Guess what I really felt? I felt the first one tasted better. She thickened it all up with this fucking tomato paste and then made it like sweeter and you know, did it to the whole fucking pot. So, you know,

we had a giant pot of it, so I was like, well, I can handle what the fuck she did to it. If it's just mine, I got to eat the whole pot. So I just rolled with it. Just one of those times you just sit quietly and you nod. Yeah, okay. That's what you did over there. Alright, I'll approve that. You know. Anyways, underrated, help me. Gotta throw it out there. It's fucking delicious. So then we're fucking sitting there, right? I take my dog out. There's a little break in the, in the, in the weather. So I take my dog around the block and blah, blah, blah, blah, and I come back in and Nia's like, Hey, you know what? You want to have a pot cookie?

And I was like, No, I don't. I got the podcast to do. I got some bills, mail and shit I have to do. She's like, Come on. It's fucking raining. We're not going anywhere. This is a perfect day to have a pot cookie. It's like, I don't like that shit.

It gets me too fucked up. I feel like I park cookies. Like I don't like that shit gets me too fucked up I feel like I'm hallucinating. I don't want to do it. She goes no, these are really mild. These are really mild I know everybody out there who fucking consumes those things right now is laughing now. They're really mild So I go I fine so I fucking eat this thing right and It comes on really slow. It's mellow and I'm like, all right, I can deal with this. Just sort of just be chilling out and be relaxed.

And then all of a sudden just fucking to the moon Alice. Right? It was like fucking tripping. Not like literally, but it was just like, you know, I closed my eyes and my feet would feel like they were nine miles away from me, you know. And that was it. I took it in the afternoon, like around four o'clock.

By five o'clock, that was it. The day was over. So now here I am, I got a bunch of shit to do and I'm trying to cram this crap in there. I really don't like it. Pothead's idea of what mild is is not, you know, now I'm sure I'm going to get a bunch of fucking get a bunch of fucking emails from people going like, you want this, the TV, the fucking Asian infused strain of weed, man, I don't give a fuck. Right. Strain a weed, man. I just don't give a fuck. Right?

I mean, I was like just, I was watching TV just dying, laughing at everything that fucking came on there. My wife made some cornbread with the chili and I started doing like a cornbread commercial. You know, hey guys, what's better than a bowl of chili? That's right, a nice piece of cornbread. Hi, do you know me? Of course, sure, we all do. I was just doing that shit and I was the funniest

shit ever to me. And Neil was looking at me like, what the fuck's wrong with you? I'm like, what do you mean what's wrong with me? You fucking drugged me. I swear to God, you know what I think it was? I think the horror of me being around for 24 hours with that weather, she got like capped in fever and she literally drugged me because she was able to handle it fine Which is making me think she took less and she was just sitting there watching TV And I'm saying all this shit that's making me laugh and she just sitting there totally quiet I like I got my bombing over here. She was just like no no no I hear what you're saying

I'm just watching the show and I like how are you that fucking? Like I'm still a little fucked up right now at 24 hours later. I don't know. So anyways, that's why I like alcohol. It slowly comes on. I know where it's going. Isn't like you grab a beer and you're this. I wonder what this does. What's the end? No, this is a mellow drunk. And then all of a sudden you get like fucking 20 times drunk and then you wanted to be, I mean, that can start that can happen, I guess with hard stuff. I just I just feel like the amount of fucking edibles you have to have to start to understand what they do

to you. It's just not fucking worth it. So that was my one pot cookie for the year. But anyways, I haven't had a cigar since the eighth. So I did it. I'm trying to be a two cigar a month guy. And I did it in January. I had one at the Rose Bowl and I had one on the eighth. And then I got a whole fucking month ahead of me. So rather than smoking on the first, you know, I'm just going to fucking chill here for like a week to 10 days. And then that thing I got to I can smoke really just taking you through my whole fucking bad habit schedule here, aren't I? I was speaking of cookies, by the way, I bought two boxes of

Girl Scout cookies from this lady, you know, it's never the girl scout anymore knocking on the door. Thank God. Thank God with all the, the, uh, to catch a predators, they probably got sick of getting the door fucking slammed in their face. Ding dong. You open the door. Hi, I'm selling girl scout. Get slim.

The door fucking yelling at your dog. You saw nothing happened. So anyways, um, now they're just sort of sold by adults as far as I know. So I got two boxes of these fucking things. And um, I just, and finally realized the amount of time that I've always felt like the Girl Scouts made the cookies because they were called Girl Scout cookies and just somewhere, maybe in the middle of this country, somewhere around Fort Knox, like the United League

of American US Girl Scouts has their headquarters and they just had these giant tubs where they just stirred up cookie batter once a year and they got them out. And after finally thinking about it and looking at the professional packaging, I'm going to go out on a limb here and I'm going to say, I don't think any Girl Scouts make any of those fucking cookies.

I think they fucking outsource it. Right? It's probably made by children, Central America. They sit there crying, how hard they have to work knowing they're never going to get a bite. And then one of them actually steals a cookie and there's some psychotic disciplinary action that's taken. Let's Google this shit, huh? Shall we? This is like the new segment now. Back in the days, you just talk, now I'm actually gonna look it up here. Who makes Girl Scout Cookies? All right, Girl Scout Cookies, all right. Girl Scout Cookies are cookies sold

by Girl Scouts. Oh, thank you! Thank you, Wikipedia. Girl Scouts of the USA or GS USA as one of its major fundraisers for local scouts units. Members of the Girl Scouts of America have been selling cookies since 1917. Girls who participate can earn prizes for their effort. Fuck you! That's my name. Alec Baldwin comes in and screams at him. All right. The first cookies sales

was by a scouting unit in the Mistletoe Troop in Oklahoma in December 1917 at their local high school. In 1922, Girl Scout Magazine, the American Girls, suggested cookie sales as a fundraiser, blah, blah, blah, blah, from 33 to 35, country-wise organized cookie sales grew with troops in Philadelphia and New York City using the cookie selling model. So they're cooking their own ones.

World War II, they sold calendars. In 1990, the National Council limited the bakeries providing cookies to just ABC bakeries, a division of inner baked foods. Oh wait, I skipped over something. 1953, more cookie recipes were added, shortbreads, peanut butter sandwich, and thin mints. The classic.

That's like the Beatles, Zeppelin, and the who of cookies. Six types of cookies were being sold nationwide. Greater cookie sale due to the baby boom generation. They needed more. The Samoa was added in 75. Alright, whatever. So ABC Bakers was making in the 1990s. And Little Brownie Bakers, Little Brownie Bakers, a division of the Kiebler Company, in 1998 Cookie Sale Awards were instituted. With the 2005 trans-fat controversy, the Girl Scouts moved to make the cookies healthier and provide nutritional information on the box.

In 2009, the number of thin mints, dosy-dose, and tag alongs in each box was reduced. Why? And lemon chalet creams became smaller because of the increasing cost of ingredients and transportation. All right, so they try to make them with less trans fats. Here's 10 weird Girl Scout cookie facts, and then I'll get off this fucking subject. I have dry mouth from that fucking cookie last night. Hey, when they legalize, like, pot at a federal level, do you think that they'll

actually have Girl Scout like pot cookies? You know, Jesus Christ, that'll be a field day. What is happening to this country? I mean, they're selling drugs. All right. Number one, these cookies are older than your grandmother. That's not weird. It's not weird. Two, you can make the original recipe at home. You can make the original recipe of everything at home if you know the recipe. If you feel like taking a trick back in time and baking some boring stuff, oh, this must be one of these hipster sites where they're over everything, including making fucking cookies. You can try the authentic or they actually like making the cookies but they're anticipating being insulted so what they do is they make

fun of themselves first so you can't. Authentic original Girl Scout cookie recipe. It's not in the recipe but they taste better if you dress up as a Girl Scout when you make them. Oh that's a little internet joke. Only two companies make the cookies. Honey Boo Boo is banned from selling them. Thin mints aren't just delicious. They're mandatory. I don't know what that means. There is a cookie queen and she's a master saleswoman. Oh, there's a non-sanctioned Girl Scout cookies weed strain. Of course. Girl Scout cookies used to cost less than a quarter. Everything costs less. There was a cookie shortage during World War II. Of course, not every cookie made the grade. Jesus, that was disappointing.

All right, can I apologize for wasting the last fucking 50 minutes of your life talking about Girl Scout cookies? Did anybody watch the NHL all-star game? Fucking three-on-three hockey, dude. It was actually pretty entertaining, but not quite as exciting as I thought it was going to be because no one was going to take the body dude, but it was still cool and obviously seeing John Scott score a couple of goals. That's fucking hilarious that the NHL didn't want them in there. After all the money that they've made on fighting and all the shit that a goon goes through, you know, the fact that the fans liked him enough to elect him into the game, right? Then he gets fucking traded, set down to the Midas, and they told him not to show up. Then he blogged about it like a seventh grade chicken. Everybody went, dude,

what the fuck? And then he was there and then he scored two goals. It was like a Hollywood fucking movie. Hey, any non-hockey fans that you actually sit down and watch the All-Star Game, it's everything that you would have liked. A zillion fucking goals, no fighting, nothing physical. People smiling after running into one another. Was it dumbed down enough for you there fucking hoop heads? Um, I actually only watched the first period. It appeared like the first period was only like 10 minutes long.

Is that true or was I under the influence of a pot cookie? Um, but anyways, oh, exciting news here. Exciting news for me. or was I under the influence of a pot cookie? But anyways, oh, exciting news here. Exciting news for me. I'm actually doing a gig in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Now Wyoming is the last state that old fucking Billy Redface has never performed in. And at this point, I will have performed in all fucking 50 states.

And that being the fact that I don't know, I have a little that OCD, right? Is that what it is? No, I don't know what it is. I just like, you know, at first I was like, you know, I'm going to go to every baseball stadium, then it immediately goes, I'm going to go to every fucking stadium that exists. You know, so if I start to stand up and then it becomes, I did, I've done three states that immediately I have to do every state and then it becomes, I've done three states, immediately I have to do every state and then it becomes, I have to do every continent, except for like Antarctica or like places that don't want me.

But anyways, I'm going to be in Cheyenne, Wyoming. First of all, I'm going to be in Denver, Rocky Mountain, and please don't bring me any fucking pot cookies. All right, I don't enjoy the high. I don't. Okay, I just, it's too much. On the 12th and 13th, I believe the 12th and 13th is Wyoming in Denver or Denver, Wyoming. I don't know which one.

And then the 14th is Valentine's Day. And that's of course, when young people go out because they're not smart enough to realize that you can say I love you in any day of the year. You know, it's a great day to go out. Go out on like the 17th, you know, or the 16th or the 19th or the 21st. Don't go out right before, go out after. Go out after. I say this every

fucking year. You know, look at this. The Super Bowl this year is on the seventh and the fucking Valentine's Day is on the 14th. Now those are two absolutely absolute shit show days. Now obviously if your own fucking football team is playing in the Super Bowl. You know, you're gonna want to watch you with a couple other fans. Right? However, that doesn't mean that you go to one of those shit show fucking Super Bowl parties. So like I said, as always, take the fucking game, let it go for a good 90 minutes, then you come in, you sit down, you blow through all the commercials, you blow through the fucking halftime show, fast forward through all of that shit, and then when the game really starts getting down to it, you know, you're caught right up, you'll catch up in like the beginning of the fourth quarter, then you can just kind of watch it in real time, it's fucking perfect,

and you know, blow your whole afternoon. Oh fuck! Sorry guys, no more pot cookies for me. And then the 14th same thing just wait like two three days after when you can get a fucking reservation you can go to the restaurant you want to go to and they haven't jacked the prices up through the fucking roof. And then you're done, right? Here's a good one, right? Because guys, we usually don't get shit on Valentine's Day.

So I suggest don't get your wife shit either. Just take her out to dinner and fucking leave it at that. And if she's like, I thought you were going to get me something else, just be like, well, did you get me something else? And when she's like, no, you look at why I paid for dinner. That's it. And that guarantees that you'll be in a fucking awful fight on Valentine's Day. How you like that? See what I'm staring, staring you towards. For the life of me, Bill Burr coming to Cheyenne Civic Center. To 11. The fuck are you talking about?

I can't be right. Bill Burr will perform at the Cheyenne Civic Center in Cheyenne, Wyoming on Thursday, February 11th. All right, so then on the 12th, I must be in Denver. Is that right? Jesus Christ, Bill. Why don't you fucking know your own goddamn schedule? Denver. I don't go skiing when I'm out there. You know, I ski once every 10 years. I really should take a lesson because that is just the blow you fuck. Yeah, the 12th. All right, so the 11th,

Thursday, I'm in Wyoming and February 12th. I'm in Denver. Oh That's how it is very nice So there you go the Cheyenne Civic Center, you know, they always have fucking rodeos and shit there, right? What goes on there? Toby Keith? Cheyenne Civic Center Civic Center, it's be like some old ABA building. Images. Jesus Christ, look at Cheyenne.

This looks like a fucking opera plays there. An opera bill, an orchestra. The Cheyenne Civic Center. Hee-wee! Going to Cheyenne, Wyoming. What are some of the great things that happened in Wyoming over the years? Huh? The only thing you always hear is bad stuff.

Isn't that place with a tight, that poor kid, because he was gay to the fence until he died? This isn't good. They don't have any sports tapes. The fuck am I going to Wyoming for? Wyoming. This is where like Ted Turner can ride his horse all over the place and be like, I own that. I own that too. Get off of there. Or I'll take you out of your basic cable package. Take my fucking TV out of here. don't ever start any shit with Ted turning in Wyoming all right because he's gonna come and arrest you and then he's gonna be the judge and he's gonna throw you in he owns the whole fucking

state doesn't he I believe he does right I don't know anyways let's get to the fucking reach here for this week oh Oh, Billy all over the place. Alright. What do we got here? The first read. Oh, look who's back everybody. Sherry's berries. We'll split it up. You know, I was actually debating watching the Super Bowl by myself and doing a little bit of commentating during the game. You guys seem to enjoy that. Maybe I'll do commentating during the shittiest, most boring parts, but then I'd have to sit

and watch it like whoever's opening. And I know Sting's playing the halftime show and as much as I want to go see him and Vinny Colley-Utas on my bucket list, Like that's not the right band. If I have time at the Super Bowl, huh? Every breath you take and every move you make, he's going to have to go more uptempo shit. What do you think Sting's going to play from his repertoire? Huh? Anything off 10 summer tales? But that's not the queen of my heart. No, that's not the shape of my heart.

Oh, you can't play that song. Bow down now, but double, double. Bow down now, now, now. What's that? Boom? Doga dago Fucking song was that then there was a song about the brothers One that he was a coward none of that is gonna play well you probably play Synchronicity Right you had a football game that's stadium rock to just sit there going Whoa

Right bunch of old baby boomers singing along Right? You had a football game, that's stadium rock, you just sit there going, whoa. Right? A bunch of old baby boomers singing along, a bunch of kids going, that's not dubstep. Um, yeah, dude, I want to fast forward through all that shit. Yeah, I'm thinking about maybe commentating on some of that stuff. I'll just do like, uh, maybe I'll just do like three minutes of the game, you know, because I think it'll get boring after a while You know At least if I'm gonna get bored of myself. I would think that you guys would get bored. No

All right, let's plow through here. So I don't have any booze in the fridge. So I'm just I guess the month of I Sort of half-assed committed to this like not boozing Is that a bad thing? What the fuck is the other? Oh, there it is. Sorry. Talked about everything.

Pot cookie, rating out here, shine. Oh, I haven't been on the fucking road in weeks. So I might be doing wink, wink. Oh, I am doing a show this week. That's right. I'm doing the Dean Delray. Delray at the L-ray. Oh, I am doing a show this week. That's right. I'm doing the Dean Delray Delray at the L Ray. Oh, Jesus. A night of comedy and rock. Dean Delray is 50th birthday party. He's going to have, you know, he's going to have Joe Rogan, Chris Delia, myself. I know there's a couple other comics. Red Band's gonna be down there and I want to say, I want to say there's maybe one other comic. And then after that, Dean Delray is

gonna front a band that will include the likes of Rudy Sarzo, Dave Kushner, Dave Lombardo, Tracy Gunn's Gilby Clark, all these rock stars and he's going to sing the entire Highway to Hell album. And Old Billy Redface might sit in for a song or two, but it's going to be a great night. You can get tickets at goldenvoice.com. And also, I might be doing a surprise show somewhere locally, because I gotta run my hour so when I go to Cheyenne, Wyoming, when I get out there, check out the spread, I wanna make sure that I'm gonna be on my game.

I don't want people in the crowd being like, what the fuck man, you made us wait to be number 50 for that bullshit. Walking around in there, John Denver fucking sheep coats. Right. Got the sheep lining. Rocky Mountain, Colorado. Bill, we don't talk like that. Talk like this.

That's what Wyoming's all about. I'm going to the Capitol, man. Do they have open carry in Wyoming? You know, I made such a big deal about open carry in Texas and turns out that they've had it in Oklahoma for years and there hasn't been a fucking problem. So that's kind of a non story. And then again, I think that kind of adds to the touristy vibe of going to Texas and seeing people walking around with holsters. you know, maybe you can see have somebody have a fucking shootout over like a parking parking space, a duel, right? Draw.

Yeah, worst case scenario, just a bunch of people that I don't know die, which is considering with global warming and overpopulation, I think it's a good thing. I think they should have open carry, global warming and overpopulation. I think it's a good thing. I think they should have open carry. They should have everywhere. Everybody strapped. They would probably actually end up being safer when you think about it. Because I know like New York City, for as much as everybody talks about how dangerous it was, I just found on the on the subways where where all of a sudden you were riding in the car with fucking everybody. It's all mixed up. There was a certain level of heightened courtesy

because you didn't want to have a fucking problem. You know, it's the subway. It's New York City. You can get mugged, you can get the shit kicked out of you. So people fucking minded their business. So I think if you had a whole state of everybody walking around with a gun on their hip, you know, somebody cuts you off in traffic, you know, eh, you know.

Ah, I could yell you fucking asshole, but if you start shooting at me, that's okay, go ahead, buddy. I mean, I have a gun too, but you know, what if I miss and you don't? By all means, go in front of me, you know? Like if somebody's being weird to you and you're at one of those ATMs that's on the outside of a building,

yeah, it's a very nervous moment for you. But if you're in your car and that same person cuts you off, you're, you're all tough in your car, which can lead to road rage. Now, if you know that that guy is a gun, he could just simply, you know, point it out the side of his car and just shoot in the general direction of your car. You figure at the very least he's going to hit the radiator, right? You have that steam coming up like in every fucking movie. Just a good old boy, right?

You're probably going to mind your fucking business. Maybe that's the secret to ending all wars. Everybody's strapped. You have the gun out. You just walk in and every time you just walk, you just, the gun's already pointed at somebody. How you doing? I'm doing good. How are you? All right, that's great. You know, keep the conversation short and sweet. I think I just solved all of our problems, right? Everybody Everybody strapped with a loaded gun out, pointed at somebody, safety off. Cause you'd be more relaxed, you know, although you couldn't

have safety off because then when people fell asleep, you know, it's like falling asleep, I'll sit, you know, smoking, you can let your bed on fire. You might squeeze off a route, which doesn't even make sense, right? Cause you got to put pressure on it. Unless you have in one of those dreams, you know, you have one of those dreams where you're falling or somebody just gives you a leg sweep, sweeps your leg force, whatever reason. And you get fucking tensed up, maybe then,

then you shoot yourself in the foot. I bet podiatrists would be off. I bet they're all for open carry, you know, the foot doctors. All right, you want me to do some reads for this week here? Let's get into it. Where are we? Come on, Bill, for God's sakes. I was on the right one to begin with. Oh, hey, by the way, does anybody know like when a fucking for whatever reason you download an album off of iTunes and then for whatever reason, it just sort of disappears off of

your phone and then fucking reappears because you haven't hooked it up to the computer, you know what I mean with your phone and that makes it legitimately on your phone rather than just going through the air or whatever the fuck's going on, right? You know, because you got the Wi-Fi on and then the Wi-Fi shuts off and then the album disappears. So then you're old like me. So you download it again and then you got that album and then the first one comes back and now you got doubles. How do you get rid of the other one? I've gone into my iTunes and I've gone to delete it, but on my phone it's still in doubles. I don't know how to do it. So the song ends and then it replays again. It plays everything twice. That happened to me with Van Halen

1984 and that Nas album Illmatic. And as much as I love both of those albums, I don't need both songs to play twice. How do I get rid of the other one? If anybody can tell me, I would really appreciate it. All right. Okay. Kanye situation. Hey Bill, red blooded American male here who heard about the Kanye situation and was scared shitless. I'm not going to disclose whether or not I enjoy what he was accused of enjoying. Uh, parentheses, if you don't know the story, his ex Amber Rose implied on Twitter that he enjoyed a finger in his ass Actually, it was fingers plural

Yeah, I didn't hear about this fucking story and it made me feel good of as a human being that I was somehow out of the loop of This fucking news He said this scared me because it doesn't matter what you're into if an ex says shit like that you're going to get branded Uh, sir, you're going to get branded. So you sound like your ex put a vase in your ass. Anyways, he goes, it's how urban myths about gerbils get started. Unless you're fearless, Jim Norton, and you can say something like that with the smile on your face on the airways,'s a pretty tough situation to be in how does a man like Kanye deal with that? I

Don't know I Went I started to read it, but I don't it just I Don't if it is true. I don't give a shit It's really none of my business before I I could tell from the article, he was talking shit about her. Now, if she had half her hand up his fucking ass at some point, it's probably not a smart idea if he's sensitive about that part of his sexuality to be talking shit, right? Which makes me kind of believe him that it didn't happen because you figure if she had that over him, if she was walking around with him like a sock puppet, right?

That he wouldn't go around talking shit about her. I don't know. I gotta be honest, it's one of those things that I legitimately feel is none of my fucking business and whether it's true or not doesn't make me look at Kanye one way or the other. I mean, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit what the guy does. And I also think, I don't think you walk around talking shit about someone used to go out with didn't work out fucking grow up You're already married you found somebody else leave him alone, right?

I don't look I don't know what happened, but all I know he was if it's true that he was talking shit about her I probably should stop saying talking shit when we're talking about a finger up your ass You know having said all that, it's fucking hilarious. I would think that there's a lot of rival rappers right now trying to write down words that rhyme with the phrase phrase fingers up your ass lingers in the class with fingers up your ass. I'm sorry. I don't know. There's got to be something that they're coming up with. That's an easy one to if I was if I was a rapper and somebody said that my ex put fingers up my ass how all I would be thinkers like God damn it. Why didn't she say rectum? At least make it difficult to rhyme something. Rectum. Check them. You checked them fingers up your rectum. No, fingers checked

them. They're all clean going up your rectum. Sorry. Anyways, classes. I like that. Oh, that's 100% on him. What about her with her stinky fingers now? Jesus Christ, you gotta go with the fist bump now when you run into Amber. Give her the old elbow. You want to stay away from that? Get a fucking tetanus shot.

It's funny if you shook her hand and then all of a sudden you just started fucking talking shit about yourself the way Kanye does. Alright, classes in high school. Hello, you orangutan looking motherfucker. I guarantee that this guy is the ugliest motherfucker. I really find that people, people who trash the way I look the most, especially on Twitter, never have like their, never have their picture. I don't look like an orangutan. Do I? They're fucking older. They look like old people in a house coat. I am a senior in high school. Yeah, like a kid.

Well, you're probably 18 at this point, you punk. And this may seem childish to talk about, but I've been thinking about dropping one of my classes. This class is Music Theory AP. And I'm a straight B student, so I'm no genius. I talked to my teacher and guidance counselor who both said it was fine to drop it. Music theory being a unique class. I had talked to my teacher and guidance counselor who both said it was fine to drop it music theory

being a unique class What was that appendix right there at the end there that didn't make that was all part of that sentence Anyways recently I came into school thinking That was this shit Like I came into school thinking that this shit was over and I wouldn't have to take the class anymore. Only to have the assistant principal of my school tell me that I would not be able to drop.

At that point, I'm frustrated because I'm very unhappy in the class and the only one separating me from dropping the class is my prick of an assistant principal. Should I sack up and finish the rest of the year or should I stand up for my case and become a stubborn prick in the process? The class gives me anxiety,

and I'm not really into music anymore. I'm thinking about picking up a second English class. If the principal doesn't let me drop the class, I would probably end up skipping it every day because I hate the class that fucking much. Am I in the wrong? Any advice would be great, Bill. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Oh, when I was a kid, when you went to high school, you couldn't drop classes. That happened in college. You're a senior. It's February.

Don't you get out in like the middle of May? And if you transfer, do you have to make up the first two semesters or whatever the fuck it is. September, October, November, and December and January worth of shit in your second English class. I just tough it out. It's music theory. I mean, that sounds boring as shit.

But whatever, just tough it up. That's what I would do. I mean, I would rather talk tough, I mean, I'm just speaking about myself personally, but I'd rather tough out music theory than take another fucking English class, but that's me. Yeah, dude, just fucking tough it out. What's it giving you anxiety for? It's a music theory teacher.

It's not like they're going to be like, it's like the football coach is teaching it, is he? Yeah, fuck it, tough it out. That seems like a class that even if you just halfway pay attention, you can at least get a C, right? I don't know. Dude, this fucking, this fucking hangover from this goddamn cookie. I mean, I fell asleep last night at like six o'clock.

I slept for like 12 fucking hours. I'm still exhausted. All right, being stung by shit. Hey, Billy, big freckle balls. Love how you guys think I sun my nuts. Your last podcast touched on being stung by spiders and shit, and you touched on stingrays. Those fucks that killed Steve Irving. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He fucked with them and the thing felt like it had to defend itself.

All right? I'll tell you right now. The rejoicing that wildlife did overall when the crocodile hunter got killed. I mean, the level of stress that he brought every animal that he came into contact with all see he's hunching up. He doesn't like that. The thing is in fear for its fucking life. And you're going up and you're fucking with the things. You know, in your little fucking booty shorts. Anyways, he goes, I'm Canadian. And I spent five minutes in an American ocean

and was stung by a stingray. Well, all of your oceans are American too. You live in North America. We're all Americans. But I guess once you say you're Canadian, I'm United. Okay, I'm a Canadian. I spent five minutes in an American ocean was stung by a stingray. It felt like a hot nail being driven through my foot and the pain went up and up for hours. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. Let that be a lesson to all the listeners that stingrays are not something to be fucked

with. Nothing can describe that pain. It was insane. Love the podcast. Fuck you in Boston because they win so fucking always. Because they win so fucking always. Yeah, well, you know, this is the thing. We're not supposed to be in the ocean.

Okay. I'm going to say that again. We're not supposed to be in the ocean. We can't breathe in there. We can't see what's beneath us. We're completely vulnerable when we go in there. We're not supposed to be in there. That stingray has evolved to fuck up things that belong in the ocean,

all of which are way bigger and way faster. Generally speaking, some giant fish goes to fucking kill the stingray. It's got to have enough juice and it's shank to make a shark go away. I would think so. Yeah. You come walking in, you fucking pink feet come walking in there if you're white right you go in there and you did just yeah it's over so I'm surprised they don't got enough juice to kill you because I know Steve Irving what happened to him is he got stabbed in the fucking hide I

think it punctured his heart what What are the odds of that? I wonder what his fucking last thoughts were. He's probably like, ah, really? Fucking stingray. Or is he just thinking, ah! Let me just pull this out. I'm sure they'll be fine. Oh, no. That's artery blood. All right. Love the podcast. Go fuck yourself. You know what's funny? Somebody in Australia is going to be offended that I'm

actually fucking talking like they haven't thought about this shit. Wasn't it like 10 years ago? What is the statute of limitations when you deliberately go and fuck with a stingray and get killed by it? That it's, um, that you can't keep talking about. All right. Beer drinking contest advice. Dear Billy beer, Bob, I'm a big fan, man. I listened to your podcast for a couple of years now, and I had the chance to see you, Versey and botnik at the Chicago theater. Great show. So I've been roped into a beard, beer drinking Olympics parentheses for charity by a buddy of mine and being that I'm an old fuck, not quite where you are. I'm 38. I was wondering if you have advice in terms of longevity backstory on me. I'm a Canadian. I'm a Canadian pocket square wearing

habs fan. I know fuck me, right? I don't give a shit as long as you have a sense of humor about yourself that can really hammer them back. Beer is my first choice when I drink as I assume is yours. What would you do to get ready for something like this? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, you got to I would think aren't they going to be different events? You know, there's got to be drinking beer, there's got to be drinking hard stuff. Is it all just going to be beer drinking? Wait a second, I was wondering if you have any advice in terms of longevity. All right, as far, I thought you meant how to live long.

You mean how to hang in there? Well, if it's a beer drinking contest, then I would just drink hard stuff leading up to it. You know, a couple of beers and have like your shots too, you know? Well, if it's a beer drinking contest, then I would just drink hard stuff leading up to it You know a couple of beers and have like your shots to you know, I Don't know build up your tolerance. This doesn't seem like this is a responsible thing for me to be telling you to do I would be I would just go there and have a good time That's what I would do and I wouldn't try to win a medal You don't want to be the guy that wins that the guy who wins that's gonna have like fucking

Rosacea on the side of his face from booze and you know it's gonna look like fucking WC fields. You don't want to be the guy that can win that contest. I would say just go there and have a good time. You know, and stop short of being the guy that fucking pukes all over everybody. That would be my advice. Alright, let me do the last reads here really quickly and then I'll do the last question. All righty, mercifully it has ended. All right, let's get back to, I got one more read here and then I got to wrap this fucker up.

It's time for me to go. All right, dating in the workplace, aka, no, jeez, Billy fuck boy burr. Oh Hey, by the way, I finished the second season of top boy. I highly I Highly recommend it All right, there's a lady in My workplace that I have a huge crush on But I fucked everything up by drunkenly telling her best friend at a company holiday party that I had a crush on on her. I say fucked up because I know how females communicate. I might as well have just walked up to the girl I had a crush on and told her. I know from a past

job that dating in the workplace fucks everything else up at work. I told myself I'd never do it again. But for some reason my brain couldn't say no to this girl. Anyway, I know this girl knows I like her from her best friend and it made our work dynamic awkward just because when we interact now, both of us feel like we have to fulfill some sort of role. Well, you should have just walked up to us and said, hey, I got a little drunk.

I said some things to your girlfriend that I should have said to you. I can't say that. That's too forward. The office just makes it creepy. You can't lean on anything as you're talking to her. You might as well just be standing there rubbing your balls. Ah, that's the situation. One day I said, fuck it.

And half asked her out to an art museum but she had friends in town said she couldn't. What pisses me off is that I used to hang out with my co-workers and this girl every now and then. Now no one invites me to hang out when they do. Background on the company it's under a hundred people and we're all in our 20s for the most part. What's the best way to pursue this girl in this situation and how do I mentally handle the fact that it's affected my ability to hang out with my co-workers? My other coworkers, I really want closure to this thing, whether it be a date, whether

I date her or she tells me she's not interested, I don't care at this point. I really don't like the tension at work. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Yeah, which says to me, you don't really the tension at work. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Yeah, which says to me you don't really even like this girl Like I just want to ask around get rid of the tension he did she says yes So she says no, I really don't give a fuck at this moment. This is what you do This is what you do sir. You just just fucking blow it off Just blow it off, you don't give a shit. Just act normal around her. Alright. Then she'll

be going like, oh, he doesn't give a fuck. And then she'll probably end up being interested in you because that's how they fucking work. Alright. Don't don't hang out with the people you work with. Fuck someone you don't work with. You need to create a social circle outside of work. The people at work should be the people you see Monday through Friday, okay? And then once Friday, see you later guys, take it easy. What are you doing? I'm getting the fuck away from you, all right? Then you go out, you can do your fucking Blacktar heroin

or whatever the fuck you wanna do, and then there's no awkwardness at the copier, all right? You already said you've fucked somebody that you worked with before and how that made your last job awkward. Yet here you go again. And for some reason you're not even in a relationship yet. And it's already fucking up your coat, your, uh, just your, your interaction with

your coworkers yet you want to pursue this thing too. I would just let it go. Just let it go. And, uh, listen, you want to fuck somebody at work. Don't try and fuck them. All right. Just come in with a big smile on your face on Monday and you know, nobody knows what the fuck you did and they're all hanging out with each other.

They're all gossiping with each other and eventually they're going to be gossiping about you. I wonder what he does. What's up with his exciting life? You know, and you're coming in looking like you're out there banging away and fucking having a great time going out in the town. Eventually one of these broads is going to be fucking interested enough. And then you know what, your dumb ass is going to fuck her and then it's going to be awkward again. Can't do it, dude. You got to, you got to have a fucking

your social sir, you're fucking and you're drinking and all that has to be outside of work unless it's a guy okay it cannot be cannot fucking hang with women that you work with you can't do it because eventually your dick's gonna make you say something stupid something's gonna happen well that's gonna get in the fucking way and it's just gonna be a big be a big goddamn problem same thing don't hang out with your boss either hang out with someone that's on your fucking level and even then dude I Same thing, don't hang out with your boss either. Hang out with somebody that's on your fucking level. And even then, dude, I wouldn't hang out. Don't hang out with people you work with. You know, something always ends up happening.

Maybe you do something dumb, and then your buddy can't keep his fucking mouth shut. You know? And then it gets to somebody, and then you're up for your review. You don't get as much money, you get passed over. It's fucking stupid. You're in your twenties. You got to make a, you're going to make a bunch of fucking mistakes. So don't do it with the people you work with. All right. Have I said that enough times? All right. Having said that, um, you want to,

my Superbowl pick, um, I actually liked the Broncos with the points if they're getting six. And don't listen to me because I don't know anything about the Broncos coach. But I know Bill Belichick with Peyton Manning and that defense could figure out a way to beat the Carolina Panthers. And I know a lot of you guys are thinking, well, that defense and that coach and Peyton Manning just beat your Patriots and Bill Belichick. It's like, well, he didn't have the team. You know, my only concern is that Denver's defense isn't as good as it looked against the Patriots because we had that Swiss cheese fucking offensive line.

We had injuries all that year and Carolina looks really healthy. Their offensive line looks really healthy. So I don't know. I think that bullshit that I actually said earlier where I was making fun of those analysts is actually what I think Denver better hope that when the toss and I would say take the ball rather than deferring it and hopefully you march down the field score seven, give them a three and out. I think I literally think that they and then need to score again. Go up 10, nothing. This

is my keys to the game. Denver win the toss. They need to go out there and somehow get it done and choose heads if it's going to be heads, tails if it's gonna be tails. Then they gotta take the fucking ball, ram it down their fucking throats. Yeah, just obvious shit. Nice time consuming drive and establish the run. I think Peyton can do all right against their defense if they, you know, If he has the fucking time. See, there's no way to say, really, Bill?

What if he doesn't have the time? Does that make it more difficult? This is really hard. It's really hard to say something that isn't cliched. My concern as a Broncos fan is that the Panthers get the ball, they march right down the field and they score it because what's his face? Peyton Manning is, is gloom and doom guy. That guy gets that look on his face.

Peyton faces what me and my family used to call it where he just, he just purses his lips and he starts looking down field shaking his head as he takes his fucking chin strap off after yet another three and out. That's the, that's the, the headspace Panthers want to get him in. If he gets into that, he gets into that. Why isn't everybody as good as me? Mindset, uh, it's fucking over. So in order to keep him happy, I'd say that they got a score. I'm back to that again. Ah, Jesus. Maybe I'll come up with something on Thursday. There you go, everybody.

Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-da-ba-da. I take the Broncos in the points. I take six points, fuck it, because every cunt out there is gonna take the Panthers. Every cunt out there is going, dude, the Panthers are gonna fucking destroy them. That's when you wanna go the other way. Because whatever that means that every fucking shit out there is gonna put money on the Panthers, which means the line will keep going up because

Vegas is going to want to get money on both sides of the ball. Thank you, Bill, like we didn't know that. Oh, fuck you. I'll talk to you guys on Thursday. Go fuck yourselves and don't fuck anybody you work with.