Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-10-22

Episode Date: February 11, 2022

Bill rambles about sports history and the chick who pretended to be black, with the lovely Nia. SimpliSafe: You can customize the perfect system for your home in just a few minutes at SIMPLISAFE.com/BURR and get free indoor security camera plus 20% off with Interactive Monitoring.

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I have to figure out why I was eating those ice cream sandwiches every night. Depression! Yeah, I'm going from Billy Bitch-Tits to Bill Bulimia, Bill Bulimic. Hi, this is Mr. Bulimic. How are you? Is that Bulimia? Or is that the other one? Bulimia is the one where you get to enjoy the meal before you give it back. Is that what it is? I don't know. Anorexia is when you just don't eat. That's what it is.

I don't know what it is, but I'm sure I'm messing it up. No, believe me, yeah. Whatever. You know what I mean? It's like trying to fucking remember, you know, lefty, loosey, righty, tidy, and then you're like unscrewing a light bulb above your head and you're like, wait, do the same rules apply? I'm looking down over, but now I'm like above it. But I'm under it. It's like I'm hovering over it, but I'm under it. You know, that's like my shit with like, which is the front of the stage, which is the back of the, I'm sorry, of a stove.

But to me, the back of the stove is by the wall. And the front of the stove, I don't, I always have it, I always have it wrong. Now I don't even remember. That is the best is the way it is. But for me, I was always standing behind it for some reason. So the back of the stove to me was the burner closer to me. And then the front, whatever. See people, this is why I became a comedian. This is why I never made it in carpentry. I tried to do carpentry. I lasted fucking eight days. I was just like, I do not have the gift.

I have the brains. I could sit here all fucking years of my life and become and work my way up to being a mediocre carpenter. God knows that's what people want, huh? They want a carpenter that does an okay job. I'll tell you right now who cannot do an okay job this Sunday. Joe Burrow or the Bengals or Matthew Stafford from the Lions and now with the Rams. That's amazing. Can you imagine if the Rams win it and Matthew Stafford after all of those years being in that dysfunctional abusive relationship that is being the quarterback of the Detroit Lions.

I mean, who's kidding who? That is a, how many ex-boyfriends did that fucking bitch of a team leave laying on the side of the road? I'm trying to think of all. Greg Landry, Eric Hipple all the way through Joey Harrington. Matthew Stafford has been like, he was the general, he's probably the best Lions quarterback they've had since, what's his face there? We got his book right here, Heart of a Lion, Bobby Lane. Bobby Lane, yeah.

I would say that. Let me look this shit up. Let me look this shit up. The history of Lions quarterbacks, okay? And I'm going to tell you right now, there's going to be a lot of fucking real estate agents. Whatever people do after the quarterback of the fucking Detroit Lions. Now I'm wondering, you know, as a Lions fan, you got to be rooting for Matthew Stafford because he did put the time in, but then also you kind of got to be rooting against him because it's just like, you know, QB history.

If he wins it the very next year, it's going to kind of confirm, you know, it's going to kind of confirm what you always thought, that there's just something wrong with your franchise. All right, since the great days of Bobby Lane, 1950, 51, all the way through 57, and then he joined the Steelers, I believe, we're going to get into my, okay, Greg Landry. Greg Landry, you made it from 71 to 74. And Joe Reed, I guess he was all of a sudden third string. They blamed him. And then they were just fucking with you, brought him back 76, 77, Gary Danielson.

All right, those years, couple years, Eric Hipple, Gary Danielson back and forth. No one wanted to say it was the Lions fault to switch. That was right through 86. And there was a guy Chuck Long. They had a guy Rusty, give Rusty a shot, Rusty Hilger. And then oh, God poor Rodney Pete coming out of USC. Da da da da da da ba ba ba ba ba to bum bum but bum boom the fucking Lions. He was there from 89, 90, 91, 92, 93.

The Arsenio Hall show years, I believe. No, he was a little bit up there. The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson was 92. But I think Arsenio was still around, Arsenio was still around. Those years, the run and gun of the bills, losing every year. Arsenio Hall coming after Johnny Carson. Just putting this all in historical perspective with the Cape Fear, I think was a big movie back then.

Natural board history. Scott Mitchell then 94 to fucking 97. Charlie Batch, sounds like Yak, Charlie Yak. Ty Detmer was in there too. Honorable mention. Joey Harrington, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005. Good day, sir. Jeff Garcia, backup.

Somehow we got out of there and went to San Francisco. John Kitna lasted two years. Dan Orlovsky. And then in 2009 along came a man named Matthew Stafford who has had, he had the longest tenure as a quarterback. He started in, for the Lions, 2009, 2010. Sean Hill got the starting job and Matthew Stafford was backup. He played, then Stafford comes back, 2011, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.

10 straight seasons. He must own every fucking record. Bobby Lane was, wait, Bobby Lane 50, 51, 51, was eight seasons. No, 51, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. No, that is eight seasons. Wow. I don't know. Matthew Stafford, is he going to do it on Sunday?

I'll tell you right now, the key to the game is going to be that offensive line. Protect Joe Burrow against the down four, the fucking Rams. What do you guys think? Do you think the golden boy, Joe Burrow comes in and rightfully claims what should have been the Bengals rather than the 49ers all throughout the, all throughout the 80s. That should have been Bill Walsh on their sideline coaching. But the great Paul Brown, the only mistake he made turned out to be the biggest mistake ever for those Sidson Addie Bengals. He thought Bill Walsh did not have the mental stability to be a head coach in the NFL.

And he bad mouthed him around the league and he let him go. Well, Bill just left. There was nothing else he could do. He worked his way back into a head coaching job with the San Francisco 49ers. And he applied that offense that he came up with, with the Cincinnati Bengals. What became known as the West Coast offense was actually created in Cincinnati. I know I've said this before, but people don't listen every week. But now you know the rest of the story.

And how ironic that two of their four Super Bowl victories of the 49ers in the 1980s, the team of the 80s, were against those Cincinnati Bengals. I got a roof for the Bengals. I like the ramps. This is one of these Super Bowls. You're just going to be happy for people. You know, I'll be happy for Matthew Stafford. I won't be happy for LA fans. They're just not informed enough.

They really are. Like, I don't know what it is. I don't know why it is so hard to find an informed Los Angeles fan. I don't know why. It's great when you do old school Laker fans from back at the forum. People who grew up watching the Dodgers, hating the Yankees in the late 70s. I love meeting LA fans like that, but it is just so fucking rare. I don't know, Bill.

Maybe it's the company you keep. Maybe it is. Maybe it is. I don't know. I don't know. It's just, if you critique their team, they just go, hater, hater. It just never gets into a good sports debate.

Your team are bitches. It's like, all right, I guess that's what it is. Okay. Anyway, and the funny thing is, what is funny, Bill? Has anything been funny so far in this podcast? As you fucking list every goddamn jerk off that played quarterback for the Rams for the last 50 years. Hey, I'm into that shit.

If you didn't listen to this podcast, would you ever know about Marlon Briscoe? Huh? You want to talk about the modern day fucking NFL, a guy who would have changed the game if they let him. Marlon Briscoe with the Denver Broncos first starting black quarterback in the NFL. And you look at it, you're seeing Randall Cunningham and all of these other guys fucking 20-something years later. You're seeing them play in that style right then and there.

You're seeing them be successful. And what did they do? They drafted a white guy. It made Marlon Briscoe a wide receiver. Another. This is like a segment that I'm going to make. Or maybe you guys probably know more about this shit than I do. This segment is called horrific fuck ups in the NFL.

I'll start with two. The Denver Broncos turning Marlon Briscoe into a wide receiver and shipping him off the buffalo rather than keeping him as quarterback of the Denver Broncos. Number two, two, two, two. The Cincinnati Bengals passing over the great Bill Walsh who had already invented the West Coast, what would become known as the West Coast offense because of Bill Parcells coining it in 1985 when his Giants beat the 49ers in the playoffs. And he said, what do you think of that West Coast offense now?

Thus giving credit that that offense was created in San Francisco. And I guarantee you, there's a bunch of 49er fans, you know, walking around with their winter jackets on in January because of that weird weather up there. I mean, sorry, in July. Let me tell you that time I took a vacation to San Francisco in the summertime, like 20 years ago with my girlfriend at the time. And we both wore like summer clothes. And we, you know, we landed in Oakland because it was cheaper and we took the Bart over.

And it was like the summer and we were all excited. This is going to be great San Francisco. We're going to have a great time. And we got it. We took the Bart to the subway and we came up out of the ground. And the only thing more shocking than how fucking cold it was was the sheer amount of homeless people and the level of homeless that they had just the way they looked. Like they look like 49ers.

They look like minors. Like boxcar Willy looking for like jump on a rail car, like fucking beards and it looked like you were watching a bad Hollywood movie and they needed like a homeless guy and they just like overly make the person homeless. And we froze our asses off and we couldn't figure out what the fucking deal was. So we immediately go out and buy a bunch of shit, you know, sweatshirts that say San Francisco on them, you know, with the local fucking whatever. And then we went inland at one point to go to like Magic Mountain or something like that.

Some amusement park. And then all of a sudden it was hot as balls. The second we got in there. Bill, does this story have an ending? Not really. Does it have a point? Yeah, they got weird weather out there. Anyway, horrific fuck ups in sports.

I can tell you can just, I can tell you right now the Celtics when we had red arabac where we're always on the good end of that. You know, the Robert Parrish trade, whatever the fuck we did to get Kevin McHale and Larry Bird's rights, we always seem to come out on top with moves like that. I mean, Dallas Cowboys, I mean, I mean the Minnesota Vikings, it's obviously the Herschel Walker trade. You know, I was one of the great fucking, I can't even say it was great. I just feel like Jimmy Johnson the entire time was like, there's no way they're going

to sign this deal. There's no way. Let me make sure I get this fucking deal right. What happened with the Herschel Walker trade was the Minnesota Vikings agreed to give, as far as I remember, they agreed to give all like these just fucking regular guys up, like 10 regular guys up for Herschel Walker. So they thought that they were getting a steal, but there was something in there that if Jimmy cut any of the players in the trade, he would get draft picks from the Vikings.

So the second they signed it, he goes, you know, I'm going to cut all those players. They're like, you wouldn't fucking do that. And they were like, yeah, and he took all the Vikings draft picks and had all the Cowboys and that's how they built. Here we go. Herschel Walker trade was the largest player trade in the history of the National Football League. The deal on October 12th, 1989 centered on sending running back Herschel Walker from the Dallas

Cowboys to the Minnesota Vikings, including Walker and a transaction involving the San Diego Chargers. The trade involved 18 players in draft picks. At the time of the deal, the Cowboys were one of the worst teams in the league. The team finished the 1989 season with its worst post post merger record of one in 15 trading away their best player while the Vikings believed that Walker was the missing piece they needed to make a Super Bowl run. Thus, Minnesota originally felt that they got the better end of the deal.

The Cowboys used the draft picks acquired in this trade to get players they needed to help them win three Super Bowls. Meanwhile, the Vikings did not make a Super Bowl appearance with Walker. They kind of glossed over it here. Okay, the Vikings really assumed they got the better. Not knowing at the time that head coach Jimmy Johnson was interested only in the draft pick and not the players. At a press conference after the trade, Johnson's brag that he created, he committed, oh, he

bragged right after he committed the great train robbery but was criticized by various sportswriters such as Randy Galloway of the Dallas Morning News. Johnson waved Stewart in November of 1989 then told coaches to not start Solomon Howard or Holt signaling to the rest of the league his intention to claim the draft picks. Viking general manager Mike Lynn eventually made another deal letting the Cowboys keep the three players and all the conditional picks. Wait a second. All right.

In the original proposal, Dallas agreed to give Herschel Walker and three draft picks to Minnesota. In exchange, the Cowboys would get from the Vikings five players, three draft picks and conditional picks attached to each of those five players should they be cut by the Dallas Cowboys before February 1990. So that's what he did. He got three draft picks in five players. He cut those five players.

So he got eight draft picks plus all the picks that the Cowboys had. One of those players that Minnesota agreed to send to Dallas, Darren Nelson refused to report to the Cowboys. Dallas then agreed to trade Nelson's to the San Diego charger for their fifth round pick in 1990, which the Cowboy promptly sent to the Vikings and total this revised trade involved 18 players and draft picks. Okay. So the Cowboys got linebacker Jesse Solomon linebacker David Howard, Isaac Holt, Alex

Stewart, a first round pick in 1990, second round pick in 1990, six round pick 1990, Minnesota's first round pick in 91, Minnesota's second round pick in 91, Minnesota's first round pick in 92, second round pick in 92, Minnesota's third round pick in 92. And all of those last ones. Okay. The first round pick in 91 condition on cutting Solomon, which he did second round conditional on cutting Howard, which he did can did first round pick in 92 conditional and cutting Holt.

He did. You get the picture condition met by trading Nelson and condition cutting Stewart. So he just cut all of them and he got fucking eight draft picks plus all the draft picks they had from being, you know, one of the shittier teams in the league. And what did he do with those draft picks? I think players selected, let's see, pick acquired by Minnesota, Dallas's third round pick and they just picked all bums and result three Super Bowl wins. His the end result, what they got.

They got Emmett Smith, Russell Maryland, Clayton Holmes, Kevin Smith, Darren Woodson. Well, I thought they got more guys than that. I mean, Russell Maryland was, and I heard of that guy and Darren Woodson, Emmett Smith, that was a huge one. All right, whatever. All I know is that they ended up winning fucking three Super Bowls in four years and the Vikings have yet to win a Super Bowl. And that concludes, then we'll follow up great fuckups in sports with great fuckups in your

life. All right, we'll keep the great fuckups in your own life. Light. Okay, so they're not too depressing. All right, you want to hear about the one and only fucking flight I ever missed in my standup career. I had an early flight. I didn't get enough sleep because I was doing spots tonight before and I went to LAX, the

old LAX when the carpet was all gray and all that shit before they got seated up here for fucking Olympics for the second time. A lot of people don't realize that that the first time they, you know, before the 84 Olympics, they just had that horseshoe design on the bottom. It was only one level and that was the airport. And they're like, holy shit, we're going to host the Olympics. We need to double the size of this. Now, did they correct the horror, the outdated horror of that design where everybody just

has to go in and there's nothing you can do? They kind of did because they created shortcuts in between, but they just doubled down on that horseshoe design and then just added another layer on top of it. It's like if you built a split entry on top of a split entry. So anyway, I went down to the airport. I was so fucking tired. I read my seating assignment as my gate and I went to the gate that was the same as my seating assignment and I went there and there was nobody there.

And I always got there early because I was afraid of missing my flight and I was sleeping and I sort of nodded off and then I woke up and it was like literally five minutes or 10 minutes before boarding. And not only was there nobody at, there was just nobody at the gate and I finally looked and I was like, oh fuck. It was on the whole other side of the airport and I just ran like a lunatic and I had the ugliest luggage. I deliberately picked the ugliest luggage.

So it was easy for me to spot when it came down the fucking, the baggage carousel and I was running with that fucking hunk of shit. And I remember getting to the gate and I just see the lady and she's just like shaking her head. No. And I'm like, oh my God. She's like, yeah, no, no, it's too late. We already closed the door, but the fucking plane is still there.

There's a hallway connected to the plane. Just open two doors. I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do. Once the door is closed, the door cannot be reopened. And then I was like, you know, I was living on the west coast and my gig was on central time.

So I was already losing time and I also had to drive to the fucking gig. So rather than having plenty of time to get to the gig, I ended up getting on a flight that gave me just enough time if I drove like 85 fucking miles an hour for whatever car I got at National rental car. I always got the Dodge neon for whatever reason and it always seemed to be in plum crazy purple. And I remember getting in the car and just driving like a fucking lunatic. Didn't even check into the hotel drove straight to the gig, got out of the car, walked in, they like, oh, we were getting worried.

And I'm like, yeah, what's the deal? And then just fucking walking out on stage just after all of that bullshit. Hey, how are you doing? How's it going? All right. Nice to be here in Duluth or whatever the fuck I was. And I did the gig and I somehow I got through it, but there you go. That's great fuck ups in my life.

I know I have greater fuck ups, greater fuck ups than that. I don't know. I still, I've talked about all of them in fucking therapy. Maybe that's a bad idea. Maybe you want to use this. This podcast is therapy. I have no idea. You know, my wharf was watching.

I can't take my kids to school. I'm going to take a break here for a second. My wife was watching a documentary on that, that white woman who was pretending to be black. And I might get around for the last 10 minutes to talk about that because I just kept teasing her going. You know what question they're not asking in all of this document. They're asking all of the obvious questions.

But I was like, Nia, how did this white woman, how did you guys allow this white woman to become head of the NAACP chapter in Spokane, Washington? How does that happen? And there was all these people like after the fact, you know, when there's like a big upset in sports and then everybody actually, oh, you know, I had a feeling all these people are going like, yeah, I knew there was something.

I was, I was thinking this just looks like a white woman with braids. Everybody was saying I was kind of thinking that shit. I just think that that part of the country, people are just really polite when they're not having a clan meeting or whatever. Generally speaking, there's a certain level of politeness to that area. Well, I just don't think that that would happen in different cities. I think someone would just ask her like, what is your fucking deal? But anyway, my wife was watching it and I was trying to go to sleep.

It was just fucking, it was driving me nuts because no one would just, they kept arguing with her. And it's just like, you got to look at this person like she's a crazy person at a bus stop. I was, I was, I just felt bad for her kids. Maybe it's not a good topic, whatever. I just felt bad for her kids because she just kept like, kept saying shit. Like I'm unapologetically black.

It was just like, oh my God. And like her kids were like really cool, but they had this sort of low energy monotone way of talking. And as I was watching more and more of it, I was like, I think this is like depression. It was like a low level of depression. And then they can't break away from her because she's like posting pictures of them and saying where they're trying to go to college. And it's just like, listen, can you stop having them pay the price for your sins?

I don't know, you know how human beings are. Human beings will actually get upset at her kids instead of the person that did it, which is her, which is really, I don't know, this podcast was fun till I brought that up. I will, I'll see if I can get the lovely neon here. I got to drive the kids to school here. So I'll be right back. All right. You guys sit tight and with the magic of editing, I'll be right back in like half a second.

All right. All right. I'm back before we get into a little conversation there with my lovely wife. I got a little read here. Um, simply safe everybody. Today's episode is brought to you by simply safe home security. Have you ever wanted to know what's happening at your home when you're not there? I'm a big fan of the new wireless outdoor camera from simply safe.

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Go to simply safe.com slash bar. That's it. All right. And with that, look who it is. Everybody walking around the room. Look who it is. It's the lovely. It's the elegant Nia Renee Hill.

You got to watch, uh, Housewives of Jersey with me just because you got to see the jerseiness of the husbands in there. I just feel like you'll fight because you've seen a couple of episodes of it. I love New Jersey. And so, yes. I don't know. This last one, I just was cracking up and I was like, I just feel like this is something that Bill would enjoy.

But anyway, thanks for having me on. It's great to be here. I love New Jersey because they seem to have the same kind of meatheads that they had in and around in Boston. I don't relate to Philly meatheads or New York meatheads, but when I go to Jersey, I'm like, these people are the same kind of stupid I am. Really? No, they are.

They're like near the big city, but they're not in it. They get that suburban life, but they're not like these country bumpkins. And there's a lot of fights. A lot of tough guys. You know, a lot of people, like I was saying, I was a tough guy, but I just, there was a lot of fights, you know, in and around where I was growing up, a lot of guys with earrings. That's kind of out now, huh? The one earring in the left ear.

I don't know about that. I feel like it's not gone away, but I could be wrong. I have no idea. I feel like a lot of dudes have both ears pierced and that's kind of the wave. Wow. I missed that. I went the other way. I thought the earrings disappeared.

Yeah, I don't know. Maybe because all my friends are old and they just got tired of having to keep it not infected. Oh, your old friends? Oh God. All your old ass friends? No, of course they don't have any. What are you talking about? My generation was the LT generation where you had your initials, like a lightning bolt

hanging from your left ear. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's definitely over. All right. Now that you've trashed me, my age, my friends and our jewelry styles. Let's talk about your race since it is Black History Month. Yeah.

So the other night, I'm laying in bed or last night, whatever the hell it was two nights ago, I'm sitting there and I'm trying to go to sleep and you were watching. I watched something done with you, which I've given it to. It's kind of fun. It's a great way to bond. Because you can get a lot of conversation going on because what you're watching is so stupid. Slash you talking through the whole entire thing with your commentary and me having to rewind because you just cannot help but like just be the commentator.

I'm like, this doesn't need a narrator. Like we can just watch it. We can discuss after. I'm working on that. I like on Hulu because we don't have Hulu like without the commercials. I talked during the commercials. Have you noticed that? Yes, that's true.

But I mean, it's better than my brother. My brother, I will watch things with my brother. It drives me crazy. And he literally acts like he's in it. Like he'll respond to people like the characters and whatever lines they have. He's responding as if he's in the show. And I'm always looking at him like, what are you doing? I don't want to like, you know, bring up stereotypes here, but are you saying he talks to the screen?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Note to self. Do not go to movies with Nia's brother. I set myself up with that one. Oh my God. That's so funny. But anyway, yeah. So what were you talking about?

What we were watching? Yeah. So you, that woman from a few years ago, that white woman who somehow, Oh God. got past all the black people and we don't, it's Spokane Washington. Spokane. You think it's Spokane? I thought it was Spokane, the ether male.

Na, na, na, na, na, na. What are you guys just talking about? What are you, what are you saying? She's all right, she's all right, she's all right. Spokane. Cocaine. Eric Clapton. Okay.

Fuck Eric Clapton. Whoa. Yeah. Why? Well, we can get into that another time. What did Eric do? Don't say it like he's a good friend of ours. What did Eric do?

He is like a kind of a documented racist. He's being a weirdo. Documentary. He has the papers. He's got the paper, the receipts, as they say today, the receipts. Also, isn't he like some sort of crazy? I don't know. I don't want to get into it.

But suffice it to say, I'm not a spam. We can, we can Google it after this, but we were watching the documentary, which I don't know why when this documentary came out, we're talking about Rachel Dole is all. Okay. When the documentary came out, I was really. Wait, is your last name Dole and you're saying is all we're talking about? It's all.

No, dole is all or something. When the documentary first came out, I was really fucking annoyed because I was like, why are they giving the psychopath any kind of a platform? And I didn't give a shit. I was like, I really give people backstory who the hell she is. Oh, Rachel Dole is all is the white woman that pretended to be black. And she was like the head of the NAACP chapter and Spokane Washington. And she got it.

She ascended that high before anybody noticed. It's the funniest shit ever. After reporting a hate crime that she was getting hate mail, which, you know, she actually might have been getting, but. They think she put a banana on her windshield and then took a fucking picture of it. And some other things. She wasn't the only one, I guess, getting hate mail. But anyway, she got exposed by this reporter asking her if she was actually

black and she tripped up and she was like, I don't understand the question. And then she like ran away. He was like, are these your white parents? Right. Exactly. And so it got into this whole, you know, situation about her being exposed. This documentary, which, like I said, I had resisted because I really didn't care. And I thought she was crazy.

I was like, you know what? And why I started watching, why I'm watching it during Black History Month. I can't, I can't, I can't defend that. Well, maybe you need to roll over in bed and see what you married. Well, maybe that's it. I was like, I'm looking at you and I'm like, why, like, why are white people? So anyway, I finally decided to watch it and I haven't finished it. Listen, this is what I'll say.

If there's any white people confused about why this was an issue for us, I think you need to watch the documentary. Black people, I think we already get it. I mean, I guess it was some. I don't know that we were confused. I think the only person confused is the subject of this documentary. Right. And she just refuses.

She's now saying that she's transracial, that she transitioned. Yeah, she just made that up. And then the other thing I couldn't believe, you know, being a bald son of a bitch, I don't know if you've noticed that you just go, sure, we got to get two microphones so people can hear you trashing me. They can hear it. Okay. Well, the fact that her braids were so tight that her, she was, she was getting the receding.

She lost her edges. She lost her edges. I mean, that's how dedicated she was to this. I'm going to say, you know, does she get any points for that? Any points for what? Well, you know, like Justin Timberlake, you know, he kind of, before the Super Bowl, he brought sexy back. And I believe black people were air quote, fucking with him.

Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah. Well, I would think, you know, if you were so committed to the cause that you were fucking pulling your hairline back towards your spine, maybe that's what threw off the people and spoke, spoke and they were like, well, look, no sensible. That's exactly what it was. Person would do that.

There was black women who are always the first to tell you when something is wrong. So, you know, I know people like to be like, oh, listen to black women. But yes, because we, we know, but because there was a, there were women on there, black women who were like, I didn't want to be mean. But to me, she looked like a white woman and a black woman's wig. And that's exactly what she looked like. Not to mention the fact that she was making up her face in such a way that she looked a few shades darker or sometimes she wouldn't.

She was putting on bronzer. Like she was going to have like a flex off with Schwarzenegger in the late seventies. But it was, it was, I will say that it was a little bit illuminating to see why she did what she did. She basically has childhood trauma that I feel like she still hasn't resolved. And, you know, you felt for her sons who never asked for any of this and you feel really like, oh my God, her sons are so cool. And they're just like monotone.

I think it's a form of depression. If she could just stop doing, putting them out there and just fucking leave them alone. Okay. Let's, let's, let's, let's wrap this up, Nia. Okay. Well, this part, the last part of the, of the show is called help bill pass. Pass. What?

I, well, what if I want to be the head of the NAACP? It Boise. Passing. Reverse path. Man's passing. I don't think there's any hope. Just come on. No, like, let's just say, you know, I went out and I got some bronzer.

I don't know. Right. Remember that time? And I went to the, but I had it. I had it to pay. I don't remember that. One of our first weekends away together years ago, I got some like, I don't know, it was supposed to be like, like a sunscreen, but it was also sort of to help like bronze you.

And I was like, let me just see. And like, I sprayed like the whole can on you and nothing happened. Like your tan resistant, even with like artificial, that's how real I keep it, Nia. Yeah. Like it's just your body is like, nope, there's zero, zero melanin to enhance at Williams says I am from the aisle of caucus Caucasian. So you were saying if you were to get a to pay? Yeah.

An ethnic to pay, right? Something that John Amos could wear. And I was to put that on my head, but the bronzer, you know, the Photoshop's are coming. Please don't. Please don't Photoshop Bill in blackface. William Transpass is the name. I just kept waking up and she was just saying like astoundingly. She said something that was just so fucking stupid.

I just, I kind of respected it as a comedian because I knew how much it was going to annoy the crowd. They asked her how she identified. She said, unapologetically black, she had to fill out, she, she, at the time of this documentary, she had just had another baby and she was saying that whatever the mother identifies as, I mean, I don't know if this is across the United States or just in Washington or whatever, but whatever race the mother is, that's what they consider the child. So she was like, well, I will always be unapologetically black.

She was saying this to her two fully black sons, they're not fully black because they're her kids, right? No, no, no. One of them is biracial, but the other one is actually her adopted brother. But then she became his mom. She took him on as a mother. Those poor kids, the, the amount of confusion that they have to unwind. I know it's terrible.

It's terrible. So she terrible. So she had, you know, the audacity to put on this form. She marks African American and white. And it's like just, but she, she is a very troubled soul. And the thing is, it's like she could have done, she couldn't have maybe not been the president of the, the NAACP chapter. That's still funny to me that that's like the music man where he had no instruments and

he came to town. Oh, we got trouble. She came in. Totally the music man. She's the music man, but it's like she could have been such a powerful ally and been like, I went to Howard. I studied black history. I really, you know, have an appreciation and love for black culture.

She still would have been annoying. I, maybe, but it couldn't, but she would, what did you do if I met you and I said, I went to Howard, I studied black culture. You'd be like, shut the fuck up. I mean, yeah, it would not have gone much further than that because it just. So then why are you suggesting that that's what she could do? Because I'm just saying if she was really committed to, you know, the advancements of black people and equal rights and stuff, she could have done that as a white person.

She didn't have to pretend to be black. That's the thing about it. Like you could have done all of the wonderful things that you were doing and all the black people who care about her that were on there were like her heart was in the right place. She was doing so much for the community. She really did, but she lied about who she was. So she ends up undermining everything that she did. And that's what's really unfortunate about it is that she, she undermined the shit.

This kind of finds, feels like a Hollywood movie before the redemption where she turns it all away. Like, is this like Scrooge with braids? Scrooge. The best Christmas movie ever. All right. Well, Nia, thank you so much for coming on and helping to explain that, that whatever the hell you were watching, I just kept waking up going like, are you still watching this

woman? I can't finish it. I will eventually. I mean, I don't feel like I necessarily need to. I think I got it. But I was just curious. And it's one of those things where when stuff like this happens, I do like to get as much information as I can.

I feel like this is the part of the interview where, if I was Brian Gumbel, I'd take out my notepad and I'd start writing things down. So what do you think is the future? Finishing up your notes as you're asking me the question. And Spokane, what is he writing? If I could ask anything of anybody in entertainment. What is Brian Gumbel writing down? He's writing his follow up questions to the end to the package that we all just watched

when he sits down across from the report. He asked him a question. They start answering and then he writes it down like he's grading them. Maybe that's my own insecurity. I'm like, why are you writing? I think he's, yeah, I don't know if we're meant to believe that he's just watching the package that we just watched, but I feel like when he's writing it down, he's thinking about his questions.

So he's making sure to get it. Like this is maybe the third or fourth question that he's writing. Oh, it's still a good show. It's a great show. I love real sports with Brian Gumbel. And I love you. And I love you. All right, there we go.

And that's the end of the interview. Yay. It's almost Valentine's Day, baby. Yeah. What are you getting me for Valentine's Day? Oh my God, wait, it's also almost our anniversary, right? What anniversary? Of being together.

Not our wedding anniversary, but of like being together. Isn't it in February? Yeah. Somewhere in here. I met you. It's terrible with that. But somewhere. But I remember what you were wearing.

When you first met me. Yeah. Really? Yep. What was I wearing? You had that white shirt on. That was not when you first met me. That was like our first date, maybe, or our second date.

No, that was when I met you at that Italian bar that I then saw that guy drunk singing in that who's now been canceled. Chris Noath. Don't say his fucking name. Everyone knows who that is, though. No, they don't. They don't. Okay.

How many guys have been canceled? I'm fucking editing that out. I don't know what happened. All these people weighing in. You didn't say anything happened. You just said you saw him there. That's what I'm saying. Right.

Seemed like a nice enough guy. Oh Jesus. All right. Let's wrap this up. You didn't try to grab on me. What's going to grab on me? Oh, that was mean. All right.

All right. That's the podcast, everybody. That MGM segment where me and Paul Verzi discuss our picks for this Super Bowl, Nia. Off the top of your head, who do you like better? The Bengals or the Rams? I feel like I live in L.A. I got to go with the Rams. I feel like you live in L.A., too, Nia. I got to go with the Rams because I'm an L.A. person now.

All right. Just try to say something, football, about it. What do you mean? Like, what do the Rams have to do on Sunday? They got to get out there, and they really got to have a strong defense and incredible offense, and they got to just drive that ball all the way down and make those touchdowns. There you go. I think that was some great insight.

Really looking forward to the halftime show. Oh, that's right. Dr. Dre Snoop Dogg and Mary J. Blyche. What about that chick from Spokane? You think she's going to be there? She is going to be on Instagram live, like trying to twerk to it, and it's going to be awful. All right.

As long as she's not spraying booze down on fans. Oh my God. All right. This is, okay. So here comes the Bet MGM segment. Enjoy. What's up, everybody, and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast, NFL segment sponsored by Bet MGM.

And guys, it is sad to say, but we are in the last game of the season, the one they call the big one, and we cannot wait to get to this. All right. It's the last game of the season, and we've got a super deposit match for our listeners this week. That's right. It's a big week. If you still haven't signed up for Bet MGM, use bonus code BRR, B-U-R-R, make your first

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Oh, you could have a fun Sunday. Bet MGM app and make sure they're like, what's this Henry Hill peeling off the cash for you? Those gamblers listening to this in the shower, those son of a bitches, use bonus code BRR when you sign up. So all you got to do is download the Bet MGM app, use bonus code BRR. If you throw in $560, they are going to give you double that $1,120 for the Super Bowl. So make sure you guys sign up and do that today. Now, Bill, people have been asking who you got, who you got.

I know people are asking you who you got. And we did have a pretty nice regular season. So do you want to take the floor first? I think we should do like a minute or two minute explanations each on who we're picking and why. Do you want the floor or I'll take the floor? Okay. You'll take the floor.

All right. You know, sometimes you see a Super Bowl, Paul, sometimes you just sit down. You don't care what the analyst is saying. You see it and it fucking happens. It happened. It hasn't happened to me in a little bit. Last time I really remember it was when everybody said 49ers and I said the Ravens. I remember that.

Yeah. Well, this one dude, I just can't get a vibe on it. All right. And I don't know what it is. I just, I'm not buying, was it Sean McVeigh? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

I think he does what he does. I think the Bengals have a good enough defense to stop Matthew Stafford. I like Joe Burrow. This is mostly my heart though, because I'm an LSU fan. And I just feel like this is an election. You know, like the dumbest thing ever is after they have the primaries and they have the Republican candidate and then the Democratic candidate and then they have the two of them. Everybody knows who they're voting for.

You're a Democrat. You don't give a shit. If they have a warmonger with dementia, you're going to vote for that guy. If you're a Republican, you don't care if it's a reality show TV star that says, you know, not all neo-Nazis are bad people. There's good people on both sides. You don't give a fuck. Right.

Because your money's red and the other people's money's blue. Well, you know what? My money is LSU baby. And I think Joe Burrow learned something in that game when he got sacked nine times against the Titans. He stopped doing that Fran Tarkin and tucking the ball and starting to fucking, you know, try to do the whole run into the blurriness down here, Paul, you don't want to be down here in the blurriness.

You want to be in focus. So I feel like he was throwing the ball away. I just, I just, I don't know. I just like the, uh, the Bengals, man. I think they're a team of destiny and they got that fucking field goal kicker who talks shit. Well, I guess we're going to the AFC championship game. Well, I guess we're going to the Super Bowl.

Well, you know what, Paul, I guess we're going to Disney world and I'm picking the Cincinnati Bengals for their first. And you're taking that with the spread. You're taking that with the score at this point, right? I thought the last I saw was four and a half. What is it, Andrew? Four and a half and Joe Burrow, dude, the Bengals are fucking so do. That's where the West Coast offense started with Bill Walsh before Paul Brown shipped

them away. I'm telling you, all of those, all of those 49 is Super Bowl should have been the Bengals. They've been waiting for fucking 50 years. I got a feeling it's their time. All right guys, there you go. Bill Burr, Super Bowl pick. He's taking the Cincinnati Bengals based all on emotion. Joe Burrow.

All right, I'm going to say this, okay? Everything that I've seen in football and all the logic that I've seen in football tells me logically, even though logic is out the window with this, okay? Because if logic existed, Joe Burrow wouldn't be sacked nine times against the Tennessee Titans and still win. Joe Burrow wouldn't be losing 21 to three in Kansas City to my homes and still win. And we wouldn't be making money earning 11 talent jokes. There's no logic in the world, Paul.

There's no logic in the world. Everything tells me that the Rams should win this game. Defense wins championships. The defensive front of the Rams is going against a weaker offensive line. I want Joe Burrow to win this game. I want to see this kid. I love this kid swag. He's got a chain over a turtleneck.

Who loves that more than me? Okay. He's walking in his hair is gelled. He talks a little shit when the, when that woman interview was asking him questions. He was doing that. I'm cool. Joe Wink shit. I love the kid.

I do think though, the magic runs out. I do not only think the Rams are going to win this game and I want to be wrong. If Joe Burrow is listening to this, I want nothing more than you to win this game. Stop hedging your bets. But you're sitting there, you're rooting for an unhappy ending. He is not protected well. He is not protected well. And I think he was protected well in that Kansas City game, Paul.

He was down 21 to three and he was just getting sacked in that game a little bit too. A little bit. Paul, I think you're making a mistake here. I think you're, but you watch the Titans game and that's what Paul does. He sees one thing and he's like, that's what it is. Listen, I want to pick Cincinnati, but I think Cooper cup is going to have the catches he gets. I think that that's going to leave OBJ to make some plays.

And I just like the defensive line of the Rams. I think the Rams are going to win the game. I think the Rams are going to win the game by 10. Cooper cup and that leaves, they're going to double him. So that leaves Odell open. I'm saying that he's going to Stafford loves going a cup so much and that's going to leave somebody. That's going to leave a vulnerable D back with with Odell.

I don't think you're giving Cincinnati enough credit, Paul. You know something? I like money starting to fucking jump a little bit in my wallet. I think it's coming your way, Paul. I think, by the way, I owe you a hundred, two hundred. I owe you a hundred because of the Packers. Remember, I said, I'm just going to hand you with one. If that happens from the most Italian bet ever, don't think people who missed the episode.

What was the bet? If the Green Bay Packers, this is what he said before the NFC championship game. He goes, Bill, if the Green Bay Packers do not make it to the Super Bowl, the next time I see you, I'm taking a brand new hundred dollar bill and I'm sticking it in your front shirt pocket. And I go, all right, well, what do I have to do? And he goes, nothing that was out of all the years I've known you, that's the most Italian you've ever been.

That was like when Chaz Pumentary in the Bronx Tale shook his hands over. It's over. He started hugging everybody. Oh, before the race, before the mush. No, before they even did the final turn, he goes, look, it's over. He starts shaking hands, hugging everybody. Yeah, I'm taking the Rams to win the game. I think the Rams could, and I think if it's a blowout, it would be the Rams, not the other

way around. I could be wrong. And I kind of hope I am, but I think the Rams are going to be. I think you're wrong, Paul. I got 200 bucks says you're wrong. All right. So me and Bill, so Bill's got the Cincinnati, Bill's got Cincinnati, I'm taking Los Angeles, and we're going to do a front.

I got 200 bucks with you. That's what I'm saying. You and I must make a bet. So me and Bill are going to also do a side bet of $200, $200, I'm going to take the Rams at home. I'm excited for the Super Bowl. We go and spread it. We just going straight up.

We bet in the money line. What are we doing here? You and I, you think the Rams are going to win. See, that's the thing. You think they're going to win. I think the Bengals are going to win. You don't, hey, you don't, Paul, this is not confident I am. Here's my fucking little Italian swag from hanging with you.

I don't need the points. I'll bet you straight up. Okay. I'll bet you straight up too. Straight up. Now tell me, do you really want a bet with fucking frack goes? I don't know why. Top 40 song is in my fucking head.

Um, all right, we'll go straight up 200 bones, 200 bucks, Paul. And if I lose, then I'm giving you 300 because I'm going to tell Aaron Rodgers, having options. You don't want to give me the full 300. You can just give me 200, but you got to sing the LSU fight song. No, no, I want to give you the hundred and I want to tell Aaron Rodgers. He owes me a fucking C note. That's what I want to do. That's what I want.

That's how pissed I am. That fucking game as Zosia Buffalo. Um, all right, this is kind of cool for the show because you got Buffalo, Buffalo and Kansas city with those two fucking awful defenses ended up exactly where they should be watching the Super Bowl. Once the smoke cleared on that, Paul, that was the worst fucking defense I think I've ever seen in any game ever. That was a joke.

If you're Josh Allen, what do you say to the higher ups? It's like a comedian trying to get to Montreal and just crushing on all fucking auditions, like standing ovations and then not getting it going like, should I look? What did Josh Allen need to do? No, it wasn't his fault. Here's the thing. And they had one of the top rated defense in the league. And then when it came down to the big moment, they fucking choked.

Yeah, they choked. That's all you can say. Kansas city, all that defense did was play how they played all year. They were terrible. I can't say all year. We only have 15 minutes left here. So let's get into some of these prop bets, which are fucking, oh, dude, they got me going. Paul, can you explain to me and the listeners, when it says plus 550, does that mean I got

to bet 550 to make 100? No. If it's 550 minus 160, it's the opposite. It's the opposite. If something is plus 1000, if you bet 100, you get a, you get a thousand. So this is all best bet off. It's all based off betting $100. Right.

So this prop bet says first touchdown scorer of the game. For example. If I bet 100 bucks and Cooper cup gets a fucking touchdown, I get 550 bucks on Cooper cup. Yes. Yep. They'll sound like linemen odds. Why is Cooper cup? Why do they think he's not going to get one?

It's first touchdown because it's got to be the first touchdown of the game. Oh, so Odell Beckham, Jr. is plus 1000 to get the first touchdown of the game. You put a hundred on it and he gets boom. You fucking 10 times. So oh, that's sad. That was that year. That guy bet Jack Squierick on the fucking Raiders and he picked off a fucking ball. Yeah.

So the last guy nobody heard of intercepted a ball for a touchdown against the Redskins. Yeah. That's the last guy on this list is some guy, Ben Schockreck. And if he gets the first touchdown of the game, it's plus 6,600. But it's fun because you could put 20 on it. You could put 10 bucks on it and make money. Um, I'll tell you who I like for, I tell you who I like in that bet first touchdown of the game.

You know who I like girls plus four grand. That's that. That's the one. I was just going to say it. That's the one yard line and he fucking jumps in there. You win $4,000 on a hundred. I'm doing that one. I'm doing that one.

Um, that's 4K, dude, what is Bengal D slash S teaming defense? Yeah. If the defense gets like a, you know, fumble pickup run special teams, S T special teams. So you're telling me the Bengals or the Rams fucking scoring a touchdown is is half the yards of Joe borough doing it. He must never do it. No, no, I'm sorry. He's forth.

He's 4,000. Matthew Stafford is 6,600. Yeah. That's a good bet. If you put 20 bucks on that, if you put 20 bucks on that, you're making like a thing or whatever you're making money, dude. Like, I think you're losing 20 bucks, Paul. I think that's what you're really doing.

But like, I know the pie in the sky, not dude, how many times you guys are Patriot fans? How many times is, uh, Tom Brady on the one yard, but that was his move. And Tom was great at everything except running. And that's why he was great at everything because he couldn't run. All right. Let's go to suit. Let's go to suit. He could hit every pass.

He could sneak. He could do everything but run. Yeah. Um, Super Bowl MVP odds, obviously Joe, so who are you picking Paul first score? Who do you like first score? I like for that bet for the money. I like Joe burrow for plus $4,000. All right.

I'm going to bring it to reality. I like Joe mixing. I like a nice handoff and it's like a fucking eight yard run too. One of those sweeps and they have, you see all these Ram jerseys and you just sort of fucking serpentines through the whole thing. That's what I'm seeing. I mean, do you like a blow job? Everybody sees that.

Let's get fucking creative here. I like making money, Paul. What do you like, Paul? I'm eating some big, fake titted horn, a strip club and throwing fucking $100 on her that she's not going to cheat on you, but you're acting like a quarterback that's starting can't get the first touch out of the game for four grand. That's a good bet. You know, it's not like I just fucking played the video tape in my head and I saw Joe mixing

running in. Okay. All right. All right. Coming me all hostile like, no, that's not bad. Oh God. I'm going to sneeze like that guy who broke his ribs. And Joe mixing plus do what you said, he looked like he got shot out of or he got sucked

out of a spaceship. Joe mixing. That's a good bet. That's plus seven 50. Yeah. I want to win money, Paul. I mean, anybody can go like, Hey, Joe bag donuts plus fucking 10,000, I'm going to bet 20 bucks on that.

I mean, yeah, I'll fucking throw money on it, but like I'm trying to win, Paul. All right. All right. I like that. Death by a thousand 20 dollar bets. Oh my God. I hope he bootlegs and scores. Oh, your phone's going to be at work.

By the way, where are you watching the big one? Like, what are you doing? Paul, at this point, it could be my living room or I'm going to go into the game. I got a couple of buddies in town. They're trying to make some moves. I don't give a fuck either way. And then another buddy minds go, you know, I'll stub up if you want to. I'm like, now, dude, stub up now.

It's like the worst seat in the house is like six K. Yeah. Fuck that. Um, six grand, Paul, you know how many fucking Air Jordans and tracksuits that be for you? All right. Let's go to Super Bowl MVP. Joe likes mixing the score the first time. If you spent six grand on Air Jordans and tracksuits, you'd have feds outside your car

outside your house. Just watching. Yeah. It's stupid to spend that money. Um, this guy's got to be doing something. Look at him. Who do you like for the Super Bowl MVP? Obviously, both quarterbacks are the worst odds because it usually goes to them.

So what are you going to bet, Paul, a lineman? I'm trying to win money here. Dude, Sony, Michelle is plus 8000, but he running backs usually have to have like 250 yards and three touchdowns. That's not going to happen. Paul, this is the thing. This is the thing. If you want to bet these in reality, or he makes like just like a bunch of fucking small

bets and everybody, oh, plus 10,000, if I bet $1, I could finally get that above ground pool. I bet having my eye on, or you can get into reality. All right. My reality for this one, the reality pick would be, I'm not going to go Stafford because that's too, too little, but Cooper cup is the second one on the list. And if that guy gets 11 catches for 160 yards and a touchdown or two, it could be him and he's plus 600.

So I'll say Cooper cup for the Super Bowl MVP. I don't like that bet. I feel like they only give that fucking, they only give it to a wide receiver if it's like fucking Lin Swan or Jerry Rice. I like Joe Burrow. I'm going right out over the plate here, Paul. I'm trying to win money. All right.

I think the Bengals are going to win and they're going to give it to cool Joe and Joe Nixon's going to score the first touchdown, which is going to put the Rams on their heels. You see this, Paul? You see what I'm doing here? I'm, I'm, I'm painting a picture. All right. I like it. Okay.

I see what you're doing, Paul. I'm swinging around with the 22 shooting at a fucking police helicopter. I mean, you might take it down and you might take it down. I don't know. I'm hoping to hit the rotor. There's a reason it's illegal, Paul, because, you know, something could happen. Um, all right, Bill, this is one of your favorites here, the Gatorade bath color. But before I, before we do this, I'm going to be a friend to you.

I'm going to be a friend to you because somebody told me, somebody said, somebody said to me, all right, you're going yellow, but somebody said to me, they go, just so you know, the Bengals always have orange. And when he said that to me, I was like, I wish you didn't tell me that, but I'm not going to do this bet, pick with Bill and not tell him that. But you know what I'm going to do? Oh, do you understand that I'm an incredible friend? This is the easiest, fixed fucking bet ever.

Wow. All it takes is one fucking guy on the staff who's tired of these guys throwing their fucking water bottles at him and he's got to pick them up and all the tape and all he's got to do is put some fucking blueberry fucking blue Gatorade in there. And he's going to fucking retire purple and that's a movie. That is, that is, imagine that that is an already laying fucking me already starring already laying. What do you go?

And then what happens is they lose the Super Bowl and then all the players blame him because he fucked with their mojo by having the wrong colored Gatorade. And that's when the cards start to fall. And now we got a road movie. Artie's in a car. I'm watching that movie. I'm watching that movie to, um, dude, purple is plus 1000 yellow is plus 450 and blue is plus 300.

I'm going to, I'm going to go with some, you know what, I'm going to go over the plate with this one. I'm going to say blue. I'm going to say blue over Sean McVeigh's head. I like yellow. All right. Bill's got yellow. I got blue.

I like Joe Mixon. I like Joe Burrow going all Joe's Joe knows on this one, Paul Joe knows Super Bowls. All right. First scoring play Rams rushing touchdown bangles rushing touchdown Rams receiving bangles receiving Rams defense special teams bangles defense special teams field goals or safeties obviously safeties are paying the big money. You stay away from that. Um, oh, you said, you said you like Cincinnati rushing touchdown, right?

Yeah. All right. I like surprisingly knocking those front four backwards. I actually like Cincinnati rushing touchdown too. Cause I think it's going to be, I think, I think the Rams will play from behind and come back and win. All right. Um, I don't know, Paul.

You know, you're saying one thing, but you're betting something else a little crazy, Paul, but I like what you're doing. You're either going to, you're either going to be a hundred percent on and you're going to come next week. We're in the fucking shawami hat. Jersey number of first touchdown scored and coin toss. What does that mean Jersey number? We just, I mean, didn't we already do this by picking the player?

All right. Let's, let's do coin toss. Yeah. I always go tails. All right. I'm going heads. Okay. All right.

That's it is. All right. Total. Take the fucking ball. Total. Oh yes. Dude, me and you were going to be, this is one thing me and bill are always in agreement on.

Anybody that wants to know with our texts and our phone calls during the game, why don't you kick? Why don't you get the point? We are on the same page with that. Take the fucking points. Take the fucking ball through that fucking, that's stupid ass fucking bill. The algorithm says if you go for it on fourth down university is Cincinnati. You won the toss.

What do you want to do? You want to keep the ball or do you want to give it to Alabama who has the Heisman trophy winner at fucking quarterback? I will give it to them and see what happens. I said algorithm like a dick. I meant analytics total yards made by field goals. That's a dumb bet. I'm skipping that total yards by field goals.

Kind of like that bet by the bangles. I'm going to say they're going to have a under under 155. I'm going to say they're going to have Oh, it's either under 190 or under three. I think that he kicks three field goals. They're all going to be in the 40s. I'm going to say under 55 155 under 155. All right, I'm not touching that one. No, no, no, you know what?

I'm going to say under a buck 90 under a buck 90 because I think, you know, one of the ones, you know, the Rams defense is going to stop them. It's going to be like a 51 yarder and he's just going to come out and he's just going to hit Paul like he was going out to go pick up the morning newspaper. He's going to say, well, looks like I'm going to hit a 51 yarder and he's going to walk out and it's exactly what the fuck he's going to do. I love when he kicked the warm up kick and he goes, well, I guess we're going to the AFC championship.

Yeah, that's it. All right. Total yards made of field goals. Okay. We didn't want to do one of that. We're on the last one and I did this prop bet on another bet MGM show. I said, I think Jamar Chase of Cincinnati is going to have a 50 yard plus reception. I think he's going to catch a 25 30 yard pass and run for a bigger one.

And that one is not on this list for some reason, but it's out there. So, oh, no, it over. Oh, long, hold on. Longest reception is under 27 and a half yards. No, no, I like over that. So I'm going to go, I think NFL defense is stank now and Cooper cup over 29 and a half, he'll have a 30 yard one. He'll catch one for like 17 and run another 13.

I see that happening. Bill, what's your final score of the Super Bowl? If you had to pick final score. Um, gun to your fucking head. I like 23 17. Okay. Angles. I like 29 18 Rams.

There you guys go. Look at this. Half hour show. One minute away. There you go. Guys, this has been the bet MGM segment. Make sure you guys go to the app. You download the bet MGM app, use bonus code, burr, B, U, R, R.

You put in $560, you get 11 fucking 20 to bet on the Super Bowl. Have a good time. It's unheard of. They're giving you half a G. They're giving you half a G. Go have fun. Enjoy the game. Be safe.

Drink responsibly. Check Bill's Monday morning podcast. Check my Verzi effect. Go to my website. I'm going to be in Syracuse coming up this month. Pittsburgh, all the dates are on my website. Go to a show. Uh, Andrew, who do you got in the Super Bowl?

You're the producer. Final word from Andrew Thamelis, the Greek freak from Miss compounded Beverly Hills. Who you got? I got the bangles by a T.D. By what? By a T.D. I think it's, I think it's going to be like.

Guys are ganging up on me. All right. There you have it. The Greek freak man. A few words taking Joey B up a touchdown. All right, guys, enjoy the game. All right. There you have it.

Those are our picks. Uh, love it. I'll leave it, bet your own way or come our way. Whatever you got to do. Everybody have fun. Bet responsibly. Do not end up on real sports with Brian Gumbel because you bet your whole house.

Just bet what you can afford to lose. Have a good time. Have some dip and enjoy the music right now picked out by the great ending femoris. And then afterwards we'll have a bonus Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Hey, what's going on? It's bill burn.

It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 10th, 2014. How's it going? How are you? Yes, I know. I realized the podcast is actually air quote on time this week. Okay. Don't even start that shit. It's never late.

All right. I always tape on Monday mornings. That's why I call it the Monday morning podcast. You fucking myopic cunts. All right. The only reason why you're getting at this early on Monday is because I'm taping it on Sunday. The only reason why I'm taping it on Sunday, which I shouldn't

even be doing because it's a day of rest. All right. It's a day to sit back after a week of farming, give you fucking oxen, some oats, whatever you feed them. Hey, is that what you feed him? I don't want to fuck you feed him. All right. All I know is they don't, they're fucking jacked and then you never

see them fucking drinking a protein shake. Do you? People are doing protein shakes, you know, something years later when you get the powder cancer, I don't want to hear about it. Okay. You're drinking a goddamn powdered shake. What are you on the fucking Jetsons? Sit down and have a pork chop like the rest of us.

These fucking idiots, they know these goddamn work out people. First you go out there and you dress like the Green Lantern. Then you take out your little fucking powder thing, your little thing and you shake the thing up. And then you suck it down. Just have a fucking salad, you know, dude, you know, pissed off those people who was selling the twat of nature were at me, they were actually upset.

So they won't be on my podcast anymore. They were mad. They were mad. Is this selling that box full of lies? Yeah, you get hungry in the afternoon. Yeah, what do I do? You can have a fucking banana, you can have an apple. You're going to be fine.

Watch the pounds melt off. I don't need you to come over with your tray of snacks. Cigarettes, cigarettes, cigarettes, cigarettes. Oh, fuck out of here. Okay. And shame on you for going in order in that shit, you lazy fucking tub of shit. I'm sorry.

Now, I know you're not supposed to fat shame, but you know, it's time we start fucking, at some point, you got to tell them to like, look, I know you can't see your bootstraps, but you still should try to reach down and find them and pull them up over your fucking meaties, fat, flabby shoulders. All right. You ate your way into this situation. You can eat, eat your way out, just do everything that you

were doing. Just do everything that you were doing the opposite way. It's like playing a record backwards, except now you're playing it the right way. You've been listening to it backwards. Right. She is about to cross it. Sunday's chocolate Sunday ship.

Right. You got to have it go in the other way. Oh, this has some broccoli and Brussels sprouts. Isn't that a nice song? Oh, fuck. I hate taping on Sundays. I'm not funny on fucking Sundays. There.

I admit it. Just like God, I need a rest. I don't have time for this shit. I don't have time to be silly on a fucking Sunday. Okay. I worked all goddamn week. Do you not have any microphones? I had to fucking take out of a mic stand this week.

Do you understand how sore my wrist is for fucking? Hey, how you guys doing? All right. All right. Keep it going forever. The fuck was just on the front of me. All right. How's it go?

Oh, look at this guy. Huh? This guy's got snaps on his shirt. Oh, the button's too hard for you. I'm the smartest guy ever. Fuck his job. Look at me. I'm amazing.

I got to do that every fucking night on Sunday. I give it a rest. I don't say funny things on Sundays. See, probably asking yourself, well, Bill, then why didn't you just do it on fucking Monday? I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why, because, um, my wife is actually sick. She's got a 24 hour virus, which I did not think was contagious.

I thought she, uh, I thought she had food poisoning is what it was. What I thought was, so I was laying next to her in bed. We're using the same fucking bathroom. So basically I'm probably going to get sick in the next 24 hours. So what I'm trying to do is get this podcast out before shit starts coming out of me on both ends. If you know what I mean. All right.

I got the wife upstairs. I'm downstairs. I feel like, I feel like my wife got bit by a zombie, you know, and I have her upstairs chained to the Devon point there and I'm just waiting to see if she's going to turn all we need is Brad Pitt in here, telling us what to do. We got ourselves a goddamn movie. Um, yeah. So that's why, uh, that's why this thing's actually out early.

And, uh, and once again, fuck all you guys. It'll be like, I hope she gets sick every week. So it could be on time and fucking. I wish the twat of nature on anybody who says that, um, all right. Sorry, that was me. It was all mean. So anyways, um, this is the podcast for this week. Uh, has anybody been watching the Olympics?

Olympics, Olympics. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing. I actually, I really enjoy watching the Olympics. I like just watching the games. I don't like all the other horseshit, you know, all the journalists

complaining that the water isn't running and all that type of shit. I mean, am I the only guy who watched all those cold war movies coming up when I was growing up? You know what it's like over there. You got the haves and you got to have nuts. There's like 20 people who have some shit over there and everybody else is getting fucked. It's, it's unbelievably corrupt.

You know what's going on over there. You know, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck's going on over there. I just want to watch the fucking games. You know, I get it. I get it. They don't, they don't treat gay people the way that they should. I mean, why, why would they?

They, they, they don't even have running water over there. Surprise. They're not clubbing women over their head and dragging them down the street by their fucking hair. Um, have you read some of the shit that they've said about gay people? I mean, it's like fights. Is this from the, the 1800s? Some guy in the Russian government.

He's, this is what he said. Um, he told gave, he also told gay visitors to not touch the kids. Like he's confusing pedophiles with, with, with gay people. I'm fucking real. No wonder the water's not running over there. Now listen, I don't want to take a bunch of pot shots at Russia. I don't want to do this because for some fucking reason, I actually like them. I miss them.

They were fun. It's like when the Red Sox are good and the Yankees suck, it's no fun. And for like the last, I don't know, 20 something years, they've been a, they're, they're in a rut right now. They're like the Michigan Wolverine football program. Like what the fuck happened? When are you going to get good again? And it's starting to get to the point like, fuck, are they going to turn this around?

So I don't, I don't even know what to tell you. I, I, you know, I don't understand. How you can have the technology to blow up the world and then you still not understand humanity at that point, right? Don't they get Will and Grace like translated over there? Can't they see that there's nothing to worry about? Have you guys watched any of the, any of the games? I actually watched, uh, I watched some of the cross country skiing and I don't

know if I'm a, and I, and some of the speed skating, like I watched this, the snowboarding, I think it's fucking amazing, but after a while, it just looks like they're all doing the same trick. Okay. And I don't need a bunch of shit from people in their teens and 20s with half your head shaved and the rest of it looking like a comb over. I get it. I'm old.

I can't tell the difference between a backside, fakey and a fucking gumby, twizzler, 360, whatever the fuck you, I don't, I don't know. I'm amazed. I don't know how they do it, but I can only watch like four runs that, you know, uh, I did just all looks the same. I don't know. I don't know what they're doing. You fucking, you go down the hill, you jump on the, on, on the railing or the

banister, whatever it is, you do a little grindy thing and then you land and then you come in and then you fucking do a little, whoop, do, do, do, do, you grab it, you grab the, grabbing the board with the hands and you grab the board with the hands. That's a big move. This is me trying to explain it. And I also learned that when you go to land, you're actually looking up the hill, you have your head looking up the, I've seen my, I would have looked down

the hill, he's supposed to look up the hill. All right, I've learned that and, um, I don't know, then you do a lot of high fiving and hugging of other, um, other people that you're trying to beat for some reason, there's, there's a lot of camaraderie in that sport. Other than that, I don't know shit about it, but the speed skating I like. And, uh, cross country screen, go figure. I like that shit cause it makes me want to go work out. Like I was watching the women doing it and I'm like, they are burning so many

calories, they don't even have titties anymore. Can you imagine I could get rid of the giant titty that's right above my pubes. If I started cross country, country skiing, that's what I'm getting out of it. Dude, these women were flying. Okay. Up the goddamn hill and then down hill, they actually, they said this year they might actually hit speeds of 50 miles an hour and they are so fucking

exhausted by the end of it. You cross the finish line, they, they, all of them collapse and just fall in the snow like they were going to make a snow angel and then they just passed out from too much booze or something and then they're laying on the fucking ground doing that shit. And I'm just like, I don't know, there's something about it. You know what it is? I'm not fast.

So I like endurance shit, you know, gymnastics and that type of shit. Try having to hang from some, do an iron cross. Like I look at that stuff and I actually think like, you know, if I tried to do that long enough, I could do it. I couldn't do it at an Olympic level, but I could do it. All right. I can watch a guy run a 440 all day long, dunk a basketball. I hit a fucking home run in a major league stadium.

I'm never going to be able to do that shit. Did I just say I could do an iron cross? Maybe I'm already getting sick right now. Maybe I'm a fuck you. I could do it. All I need some rings and an old tree to hang them from. Oh my God. Can you imagine what, what is even, what is the muscle you tear trying to

fucking do that, let your lats. I wonder how long that takes a bit of strength. All right. So all you would do, you'd fucking hang them from the tree. You know, once your wife is like, don't, don't hurt yourself. Once you get through that, you know, you people with kids, I'm just putting up for the kids. Don't worry.

I'll put some mats down and we'll put some leaves here. They'll be fine. I figured what you got to do, you hang, have the things hanging down and you got to get into the dip position first. And then what you do is you gradually start bringing it out. And then when you start feeling the fire under your armpits, you bring it back real quick and just every day you go out there or every other day and you try to go a little bit farther.

Is that how you do it? Anybody, can anybody who listens to this podcast do an iron cross? Do I have to be wearing like those pants, like the feet, pajama, grape, smuggling, fucking, uh, lower pants, lower pants, lower leotard section of the pants there, why do I try to do this on Sunday? That's why I don't go to church. It's a Sunday. So, you know, I don't fucking, I'm always coming back from the road.

I'm always traveling, you know, I fly back and then I'm just, I just lay here, catatonic, this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing here. Trying to be fucking funny. Anyways, I had a great show this weekend. I was actually out in, uh, Minneapolis, Minnesota at this casino. I believe it was called treasure Island. I was there so fucking quick. I flew in, I did the show and I came right back out.

It was like minus two degrees the entire fucking time I was there. And that is a level of cold. You know, like I love the winter. I don't give a shit until it gets down. Once it gets into the teens, that's when I give a fuck. That's when I'm like, all right, enough already, but I don't even mind if it's in the teens and Christmas is coming. It's when it's in the teens and it's just February or January.

That's when it's fucking miserable and it was so fucking cold out there. Even people from Minnesota were saying that it was like cold, but, um, anyways, I went out there and, uh, I had a great time. I had a great time. Thank you to everybody who showed up, um, still on the wagon. You know, it's funny after the show, um, I was hanging, uh, it was me and the other act that was out there, Jade cat, a Prada. Hope I said that right.

Um, I've never known how to say the last name. I came fucking read who fucking killed it in front of me, by the way, had a great set. So afterwards we're hanging and we're hanging with the promoter and I'm sitting at the bar and I'm not drinking and I'm fucking drinking old duels and like, how many old duels are you literally going to have? So I, I get one old duels and I'm just sitting there like, all right, I'll sip on this fucking thing and smoke a goddamn cigar or whatever.

And, um, so people after the show are going, Hey, can I get you a drink and get you a drink? I'm like, I'm like, no, I really appreciate it. Thank you for coming out, but I'm not drinking. Sorry. You know, you know, whatever, get Jade one if she wants one of blah, blah, blah. So then people started buying me rounds. They were buying me old duels.

So then I'm like, well, I got to drink it. Somebody gave it to me. So like an asshole, all the weight that I've been losing cause I, I haven't boozed in like two weeks. Like now I'm just sitting here pounding old duels, pounding, pounding old duels. The dumbest fucking, like the emptiest of all empty calories, just sitting there slamming things. I got to tell you something for a non-alcohol beer.

It's, it ain't that fucking bad. And if you have to be at a bar, you know, it's, I don't know. I think I found it. I think I found, see, I never yawn on Monday mornings. I think I found, um, I think I could go on a nice little run here. If I can just still have my cigars, I have to have some sort of vice. Um, will that be bad? If I go back upstairs, right?

And my poor wife, who I, I, you know, thought she's, she's up there right now in Gatorade, saltine cracker, um, hell right now. Um, and she's cool too. She's cool about it. She's cool with me being down here. You know, a lot of women would be like, why can't it comfort me? You can at least sit in the chair near me. I can't believe this.

Why a friend? You know, and then you get sick and they're fucking, they don't give a shit. Right. Um, anyways, I didn't tell you guys this. I actually bought off of eBay. I bought a fucking, I bought a drum kit and you know, the one thing that sucks about drums is you cannot play them in, uh, unless you get it soundproofed in your fucking house.

So I actually, I got some drum cases and I'm going to bring these fucking things over. I can't wait to play these goddamn things. I got an old Ludwig kit. Um, I know what you guys are saying, send me a picture. I'm not sending you a picture. Just know that there, it's an old Ludwig kit and do time. I will and do time.

Let me get my drumming up to a certain fucking level. Cause I know I've promised you guys that I was going to start doing drum covers. I got to, I'll fucking do one. I just got to get somebody to videotape these fucking things and edit it and all that shit. I just don't know how to do that. And furthermore, I don't want to learn how to do it. I don't need another goddamn hobby.

I just, I don't know, you know what it is? I, I have like computer phobia. That's basically what earlier when I was trashing everybody with the new phones and all that part of that was true. Like I really think you should pay down your debt before you get another flat screen TV, before you get another fucking phone. I, if I could just get anything, just get something through to the listeners on this goddamn podcast, other than to go after what you want in life as soon as

you can, it would be, you know, to just pay down your credit cards. Don't start a fucking life of death, death, life of debt before you even get married and start having kids and then come out of it, you know, 40, 50 fucking years later when you're in your sixties or seventies, um, I'm telling you, just live within your means and you will have the gift of free time. You'll actually get a good night's fucking sleep. Um, but anyways, yeah. So, but that, um, generally speaking, like I have, I have major, uh, I don't know.

I learned a lot about myself in the last week, like my wife finally convinced me that I have ADD and I know a lot of you guys who listen to this shit are probably just laughing like, yeah, how the fuck didn't you know that? You know why? Cause I'm the one trapped in this fucking skull. Okay. I'm sure you guys have problems too. Don't fucking come at me like that.

Trying to open up here. Um, I have the yellow windscreen on the mic this week. Okay. Trying to come from my hat here. I got a little sunshine on the mic here. Um, and I didn't think, I didn't think she was right. She was like, no, she goes, I went on a website and I looked up ADD and you have every fucking symptom.

And I always just thought ADD was just a crutch. Like people, I'm sorry I have ADD. I'm sorry I have ADD. Oh, I got, I have ADD. That's how people, you know, how I drove into the back of your car. Sorry I have ADD. Like it just seemed like this fucking excuse. It seems something like for just something that weak people said.

So, um, I was just like, no, I'm, I'm, I'm stupid. Um, and, uh, I need to read more. That's basically how I looked at it, which still might be the case, but, um, I finally understood what she was saying. Cause she, she read some of the symptoms and then I was sitting on the couch and I was talking to her about the Patrice O'Neill benefit coming up and I was saying how happy I was that, you know, we're doing it two years in a row. We're helping out all the people that he loved.

We're helping out people that, you know, you know, diabetes, stroke and that type of thing. We're giving some money to them. And I'm really talking about how psyched I am that everybody, you know, bought the tickets and open Anthony helped out and all the comics. Like, I mean, I have more than enough comedians on the show this year. It's just that everybody loved Patrice. I want to be honest.

I'm in the middle of this heartfelt conversation with my wife and, and I'm sitting on one end of the couch, she's on the end and I sit there and I kind of lean my head back and I look up at the ceiling and I'm in the middle of talking about how much I love Patrice and how much I miss them. And I looked up and I went, oh, a spider. Look at that. There's a spider up there. I just started talking about the spider and then I hear her.

She starts laughing and I look at her like, what, and it was one of those things, she didn't even have to say it. She just had this look in her eye, like that shit we were talking about earlier. And she literally buried her face in the pillow and just started laughing at me. And I was like, and I actually, you know, typical guy thing. I had to try to defend myself. I'm like, no, I mean, there's a spider. How do you not address the spider?

And then I really thought about it later, like the level of emotional shit that I was talking about, and then just one stupid fucking spider. Oh, the spider, like I, and another thing that when I go to leave the fucking house, I don't know, maybe I'm trying to help out other people who might have this fucking problem. All right. Is like, and she told me, well, you should go talk to somebody about it. So I don't want to talk fucking talk to somebody about it.

They're going to give me a goddamn drug that they pushed through the FDA that's going to fuck up my liver and do something else to me. But I can really focus when the doctor tells me I have this new kind of fucking cancer, whatever happened to just toughen it out. You know, you fucking Rogaine pussies, just go bald like me. Anyways, how many times do I say this? What the fuck was I talking about? The same goddamn thing.

This is it. I have major fucking problems. So she wanted me to go talk to somebody about it. I'm like, I'm not fucking doing that, but, uh, I've just really noticed like the amount of times like take something simple. I'll have like a grocery list or something. If I ever made a grocery list in my life, let's just say for shits and giggles, I do, I'll have that.

Oh, my, or, uh, my phone or something like that. I have my phone and I'm going to leave the house and I go, oh fuck, where are my keys? I need my keys. So then I walk over and I go over and I pick up my keys. All right. See you later, honey. And I walk out of the house.

I sit in the car. I turn on the fucking car and then I look around. Where's my phone with a fuck I left in the fucking house. How did I do that? I had the phone. I knew I needed the phone. I needed the keys and it's just like, I walk up there and my brain is thinking about 90 other fucking things.

Other in somewhere in there is I need the keys and I walk over to get the fucking keys, I guess with the same hand and I set down the phone. It's like, almost like, you know, like when you, when you're blackout drunk, it's like, technically you passed out, but somebody is still awake in your body, walking around, talking to people that you're later going to have to apologize for. It's kind of the sober version of that for those of you who aren't afflicted with this, whatever the hell I have. Maybe that's why I suck at reading.

I don't know what it is because I really want to sit or and say that I'm not a dumb guy, but fucking everything. And I always talk about how much I sucked in high school. I've been, I'm a one time like, we had to do a book report and I got this book. It was about this German shepherd in world war two that fought alongside this guy. It was a great fucking book. Um, and, uh, I remember the first night I sat down to read it and it took me like four hours to read it.

I was like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Four hours. Couldn't have meant for it was like three hours to read 30 pages, two and a half hours to read 30 fucking pages. And the next day I went into school. I still remember the kid I said this to, I said, yeah, man, it took me fucking. I was reading the book for two and a half hours and they were like, how many pages? He goes like, wow, how many pages into you?

Uh, and I said 30 and he just started laughing at me. And I said to him, he goes, I go, what? He goes, it took you two and a half hours to read 30 pages. And I was like, what? I, I, I, and I said, I read to understand. And he just started laughing at me. Thought that was the funny thing. He thought I was trying to be funny.

And what I was really was trying to convey to him was I had to, I kept reading paragraphs and my brain would be thinking about other shit and I had to go back and reread it over and over and over and over again. So I had to go that slowly so I could understand it. It was basically my naive way of, I guess, explaining. Look, all I'm saying is if I don't have ADD, I am surprisingly stupid. But whatever it's helped me in life. Maybe that's why I can't write a fucking script, but I can write bits

cause there's, there's short, right? You know what I like about this ADD shit? I can explain away all my problems. This is phenomenal. Hey, Cleo, Cleo, guess what? I have ADD. All right. Does that mean anything to, she's looking at me right now.

She was laying down. She just picked up her head. She was awake, by the way. It's one of those deals with it. She's got one ear down and one ear up, you know, can you get any fucking, I challenge you right now to tell me something cuter in the animal kingdom. Then a fucking jacked animal that could rip your fucking face off that anytime it decides to waking up from a, from a nap with one ear down and one ear up.

Come here, Cleo, come here, buddy. Come here. Oh, big stretch, big stretch. Come here. Let me fix your ear. I'm not saying jump up on the bed. There you go. That's her saying hello sniffing the microphone.

What's up, buddy? Look, even your head has muscles. Huh? This is what I do every day. Cause even, I don't know how to express love. This is what I do every day with Cleo. I grab her by both ears. Not hard.

Oh, she's walking away. I grab her by both ears and I just make her look up at me. And when she looks up at me, I just go, I fucking love you. That's how it is. I love that dog so much. I want to fucking tackle it every time I see it. Isn't that right, Cleo? Huh?

You're helping me live longer. Cause I got to take you out every day. Fucking shit's like a horse. Um, anyways. Oh, you know what? We got to take a break for some advertising that I haven't even gotten yet. So I'm going to have to drop these in. So through the magic of radio, not of editing, I should say.

Hey, don't wipe your ass on the rug. Yeah, she rarely does that. Still like the fucking thing. Anyways, just making sure she, there you go. Go over, lay down through the magic of editing. Here's some, uh, here's some, uh, here's the first group of advertising for this week. Okay. And now the advertising this week dropped into the podcast through the magic of

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How about those reads? Well, those things awesome or what? I have no idea. I hope they went well. Um, oh, you know, the one that I always forget to bring up is a Amazon.com. Everyone, if you shop through Amazon.com, like I do, if you'd like to donate to this podcast, here's a wonderful thing you can do. Just go to bill bird.com, click on the podcast page.

You look over on the right. There's the Amazon.com banner. You click on that, takes your right to Amazon. And I know it's an extra step, but, um, if I drive track traffic to this site, they give me a kickback on whatever you guys buy. It doesn't cost you any, any more money. It just takes a little bit of your, uh, a little bit of life out of your index finger with a couple of extra clicks.

That's all, that's all it is. If you'd like to do it, do it. If you don't, I understand you're busy. You got shit to do. Um, all right, let's move on here. Hey, how fucking weird and awful is right after the Superbowl that first Sunday without football? I don't know about you guys, but it's always so goddamn jarring.

Um, because you're so watching the playoffs and you're so getting into it. You're so trying to guess who's going to win the Superbowl and fucking get your bets going and all of that shit that you don't even contemplate that the second that game's over, football is now done, done until September. Fuck that bullshit in August. All right. It's done until September. What in God's name are we going to do now?

I'd say turn on the fucking hockey, but it's the Olympics. So, oh, I actually can actually watch women's hockey because the men's hockey doesn't start for a minute. Please, everybody do me a favor, watch some of that Olympic hockey, sit down and enjoy it. It's going to be phenomenal. And when you do enjoy it, don't say that dumb shit. Like, like everybody says, actually tweeted about this, you know, every four

years during the winter Olympics, people who don't watch hockey get to lie and say that if NHL, if the NHL was like Olympic hockey, that they would actually watch Olympic hockey. You wouldn't, you wouldn't, you're either a basketball person or a hockey person. There's very few people who have the time to watch both. All right. Another thing that always happens during the Olympics is when people

praise the Olympic game, um, they start talking about the NHL like it's still 1975. I heard, uh, Mike Wilbone, who I love. And one of the few shows that actually like PTI on, uh, ESPN, he even hinted like that. He goes, it's great. I love the Olympic hockey. You know, if the NH, he goes, you know, if the NHL would get the fighting

and all this stick work, all this, what is, what does that mean? All this stick work. What the fuck did, what does that mean? The guys are just clubbing each other the fucking head. You know why they say that? Because once every four or five years goes by, somebody does that shit. Actually club somebody in the face with a goddamn stick. And then that's the thing that gets on sports center.

And then all these people who don't watch hockey at all, or, or, or watch it in passing, then start going like, see, this is the kind of thing they need to get this out of the game. And then they always go in the fighting. Dude, there's, I've been saying this for years. I said this in 2010 during the Olympics. There's barely any fighting left in NHL hockey compared to the way it used to be. Okay.

Back in the day, you used to have like at least two, if not three guys on every team who were on your team to beat the shit out of the other two to three guys that were on that team to try to beat the shit out of your guys. Like when I was growing up, when I first started watching the Bruins, they had John Wensick and Stan Jonathan. And one of our all-star players, the heart of the team was Terry O'Reilly. And he fought just as much as he scored. Back then it was, he was known as a complete player.

He could do whatever he wanted to do. You want the puck in the net? I don't know how good he was at defense, but whatever. He gave it his all. You want to drop the gloves. He could fucking do everything. Wayne Cashman was another guy. I mean, he was like a goal scorer, that guy.

And he, he, I just remember Fred Q's like, oh, Cashman with the left. We had this left hook. Um, and then I caught the tail end of those guys. And then it was Jay Miller, Lyndon Byers. Along the way, we'd pick up guys like Willie Plett and then the Islanders. The Islanders had all these guys. Great Hall of Fame, tough guys, Chris Nyland, John Kordick, everybody. And they, they were on the same fucking team.

Okay. Now, like, I don't even know how many, like actual goons straight up fucking fighters. I'm not going to say goons are, are, are still in the goddamn league. But right now the Bruins have one, Sean Thornton, and he can actually play the game. I know a lot of you guys are going to say, what, what, what about what he did? He gets to penguins. That's going to happen.

Okay. Especially when you give somebody a couple of love taps and they, they actually somehow get knocked out. I don't want to be a dick, but I think I could have taken those punches. Oh, we're coming emails from the penguin fans. And I know what, what they're going to be saying is they're actually going to say, well, why is there fighting? Why is there fighting in hockey?

Which is the dumbest fucking question ever. It's like, you're going to address that and say, well, why is there fighting, period? Why is there fighting in boxing? Why is there fighting in the UFC? Why is that okay? But if every once in a while it happens in hockey, it's the most just, you know, deplorable fucking thing that ever happened. And now you got to make comments on society and the direction that it's going in.

Dude, the Bruins played the fucking Canadians a couple of weeks ago, and I'm pretty sure there wasn't even a fight in it. Those things by halfway through the first period, once a year they'd have that game halfway through the first period, they would be like nine guys in the penalty box and like fucking, I got to know what that's even possible. They, they, they would be standing room only in the fucking penalty box. And now they'll play each other and they just play the fucking game without having any fights, but the fights are part of the goddamn game.

And so I understand if you don't like hockey, you know, I understand if you don't like hockey because of the fighting, but for the love of God, please quit complaining about it because they're ruining the game because they're going to take fighting out of it and you're not going to watch it. You're not going to watch it. You're going to watch it the way I watch curling. I watch it once every four years and I really enjoy it. And I think like, wow, I could actually watch this sport like I'm really going to

go out and get the curling package and start watching it religiously every fucking year. I'm not going to do it. All right. So for the love of God, please enjoy the Olympic hockey and watch it, but keep you fucking uninformed comments about the NHL to yourself because it's an unbelievable game. It's a great league. And one of the reasons why it is so great is because not as many people watch it as the other three fucking leagues, you know, I just love that people fucking still bitch about hockey and like the fucking NBA

had a mobbed up ref, literally shoeless Joe Jackson kind of shit. And they just glossed it over. I mean, it was a story, but it was like, well, we had one bad apple, one bad apple. The fucking guy prevented the Sacramento Kings from going to the finals. The Lakers got another ring or an opportunity. I'm not taking away the fact that they won in the finals, but this fucking guy admitted that he fixed the goddamn series. So that they had, they have a championship just like when,

when the white socks through the world series, you have the same thing going on except it was done by someone on an officiating crew. And I've, you hear more shit about the fighting and hockey than you heard about that. It's unfucking believable. I actually got a friend of mine who will remain nameless and he claims this. I don't know why he would lie. He was working for a, oh, this is tough. I got to watch out. I'm going to get sued. He was, he was working for a basketball team that I'm not particularly fond of that I may or may not have made fun of on numerous

times and may have already made fun of them on this podcast about championship claims, but I'm not going to say who they are. They're way uniforms remind me of Barney, the dinosaur. All right. That's for anybody who doesn't watch sports. You can't figure it out. All right. They worked at the arena and there was one game left and this team was playing another team that was up North where it rains a lot, but they didn't lose their basketball team and there was one game left in the series and the guy who just stepped down told the people for the Barney,

the dinosaur team to fucking order all the craft service or something like that. The fucking get the seats set up for the media and all that, but he only set it for the Barney, the dinosaur team, not for the rained out fucking team. And the Barney, the dinosaur team fall like before the game even happened. He was claiming that there's no fuck cause he knew somebody who was in the, uh, the fucking, uh, the other teams front office and they were not given instructions to get

prepared for the next playoff series. So it wasn't like we need to be prepared just in case he only told one team to fucking do it and it ended up being the team that won. Now I know that that sounds fucking crazy. I'm not saying it's true. I'm not saying it's not true, but all I know is for fucking years I was saying the NBA is fixed and then I'm vindicated when they have a fucking mobbed up ref and it's like a fucking goddamn like it was maybe a 10 day story. It was really hard for a couple of days and then that was it. It just went away.

Ah, we just had one, one fucking guy, one mobbed up ref fucking a team out of a championship, a chance to win a championship. That's all, but the fighting, oh, and, and the stick work, the, the, the Tom foolery, it just has to stop. You don't even have to watch hockey at this point to criticize it. So many people have criticized the fucking thing. You can just say what they say. All right, I'm done. I'm done. I got my fucking, I got my panties in a bunch here. Um, all right.

Let's, let's, let's read some, uh, let's read some of the, the, the shit here for the week. Some of the, uh, the, the, uh, what do you call these things here? See, there's nothing too. Oh, it's my ADD. I can't remember things cause I have ADD. Why'd you take your dick out in public bill? I'm sorry. I got ADD. Um, all right. Yo, Billy D Williams. My chick is a die had nine of fan. And after five years dating her, I've gotten into my,

I've gotten into football myself. Others consider me a conspiracy theorist. Oh Jesus. Now we're going right into conspiracy here. Right after nine 11, I called it that the Patriots would win to symbolize the Phoenix style rebirth of American patriotism. Sure enough, the Patriots won. All right. I'm going to go with you on that one. Dude, I called it. All right. He said this year, I made another prediction that I was really hoping would be wrong. I had a feeling that Seattle, the team icon,

which remember resembles the America's bald eagle will beat Denver's horse team which represents China's year of the horse. This to symbolize the West's domination over the East. To further support my previously stated theory, they were, there were a ton of pro soldier and patriotic commercials. I'm very curious to see what political events are to come in 2014 thoughts. Yeah, dude, you're, you're way too far down the fucking rabbit hole. I've never understood that thing like,

like the symbols on TV thing. That's always to me, seem like paranoid thought and fuck everybody right now who thinks my NBA shit is paranoia. They had a mobbed up ref. Go fuck yourself. Um, it was fixed. I'm not saying straight across the board, but it was fixed on a certain fucking level. This shit here, like, first of all, all right, Seattle's team, which resembles an American bald eagle. It doesn't, it doesn't. We'll beat the horse. I got to tell you, I didn't know it was the year of the horse.

And I think I pretty much represent the average Joe and, uh, a seagull does a seagull does not look like what's on the side of a, of the Seahawks and a seagull, a fucking seahawk. I'm an asshole. I didn't realize I was saying that a seahawk does not look like a fucking, uh, a bald eagle. It doesn't, a real one doesn't. The one that they showed looks nothing like the cartoon version that they have on the side of their fucking head. And even if it does, okay, the average shit head, the way you have to spell stuff out,

I mean, the average shit head is ordering, uh, the twat from nature there and having a box of fucking chocolate covered peanuts delivered to their desk. They're going to stick those in their mouth and then wonder why they don't have abs. Do you think they're going to be able to figure out the American bald eagle in the Denver's horse? I'm a Patriots fan. All right. Like I don't think I just never made the connection.

I think you're, you're looking, so you're saying the Illuminati is also running a football league. Now what if the Falcons one, what would that, what, what did that have meant? The Green Bay Packers, what, what, you know, do all of them symbolize something like every year somebody who won last year? Who the fuck won last year? I don't even remember. Here's a good about that shit. Two years ago, the Giants won. I remember that because they beat my fucking Patriots.

What does that mean that Giants are for the Taliban? Yeah, dude, I think that you're, um, unlike up to 49ers when it, that means like we're coming back to slave labor. You load 16 tons and what do you get? Big jump, big jump, big bad jump. Um, yeah, dude, I think that, uh, I think you're, you're, you're kind of going beautiful mind there. You're reading the daily paper.

You're trying to, to see stuff that isn't there. Um, yeah, to symbolize what the West domination over the East. I gotta be, I gotta be honest with you. I don't understand, you know, as far as I'm concerned, China is West of where I'm at. So how are they in the East? I mean, when I fly to China, if I ever go to China, I'm going to go West. They're going to fly me up to Alaska, make a left,

and then go right by fucking South Korea. Hopefully you don't get shot down as we go by Russia. And then I'm in China. I'm not going to go East. How did they decide that? Is that cause that's where we were populated? Like if everybody came from Africa, like Nas and all the rappers say, you know, cause they've done their research in between blunts. Um, if we actually all came from there,

then why doesn't the day start right there? Cause I know, I understand we were living on this here that the world is round. Who's to say where the day starts? Why does it start in Japan? All right. Sorry. There you go. It was a nice little fucking minute and a half to make you feel better about yourself intellectually. Moving on. All right. Championships in Seattle, Billy bull face. Um, not sure if you heard about this,

but Seattle has a few championships in women's basketball. Um, obviously no one gives a fuck, but this is what's great. I imagine the women who play on the team give a shit. And those 37 people who are related to him in the crowd, I'm sure they do. Oh fuck. That's too close to a Joe Bartnick joke. Um, imagine they give a shit. Let's see. He says there's a great picture going on around a, around of a headline Seattle's first championship from a Seattle newspaper.

Below the headline is a picture of a player from the Seattle's women's basketball team as she's looking up at a bunch of banners for championships that they've won. Well, don't they mean like the Seahawks first championship? Cause even if they are sexist, when they realized that the super sonics want a championship, do you wait a minute,

do you not and do you like not count that one now because the Sonics moved to, uh, to Oklahoma city and became the thunder? I don't understand that. Like, you know, it was cool this weekend. I saw somebody in the crowd at a Minneapolis Lakers t-shirt. I thought it was great. And I was telling them, I go, those five championships, uh, you know, as far as fans go, you guys claim those the franchise, you know, has the trophies, but the fans, those are your championships,

right? Has to be, has to fucking be. If, if the Lakers moved to fucking Las Vegas and one again next, next year, what would, what would Los Angeles fans do if they started going, yeah, we got 17 bitch. You'd be like, well, wait a minute, no, 16 of those who won an LA and then Minneapolis fans right now, five of those 11 championships of one in LA, five were won in Minneapolis.

One of them was in the fucking BAA. Oh, Jesus bill, let it go. I go fuck yourself. I like, I like being a cunt. Um, so yeah, I mean women's championships don't count as much because of women. It's their fault. It's their fault because guys don't sit around watching the WNBA. We keep supporting the NBA. What women need to do is say, fuck the NBA and just start watching the WNBA and what they should be doing is they should be selling out

those arenas, chairing on the women there. That's who needs to do it, right? Then they should all get together with all their alimony money and they should buy out the men that started the WNBA and they should run it themselves. And then no longer do you need the NFL to be wearing pink in October. You could fucking be wearing it all year in your league. Jesus Christ. I don't know if I just solved some problems or offended everybody from cancer survivors to, uh, people with the badge over there.

Um, I don't give a fuck. Whatever. Take, take, take the podcast seriously. That's, that's been happening lately. A couple of Native Americans sent me some angry tweets. Remember a few weeks ago when I was making fun of white ignorance, when I said that Hawaii was not part of the United States because no white people look right out in Hawaii, but you look fine on the mainland, like leaning up against an oak tree. I look fine. And I'm like, and I'm so sick of Native Americans.

I'm so sick of arguing with the patchies. I literally said that, like, like that wasn't enough. That wasn't absurd enough for someone to get the joke. People were like doing that. You know, that Jim Norton character, little, uh, literal Jim, they, they would, they were doing that. Like, well, the reason why you look normal is cause you fucking killed all of us. Like I don't know that. Like I'm somehow for that anyways. But whatever, continue to take it seriously.

I had actually, somebody wrote me last week, I said, they, I said fighting like a pit bull. And somebody wrote this woman wrote fighting like a pit bull. Really? You fucked hard. And she went on and on and on and on and on. And I wanted to write back. Well, like, okay, I rescued a pit bull pit bulls were bred to fight. My saying is right. Okay. And lastly, fucked hard is a play on retard. So it's okay to make fun of people who are mentally challenged,

but not dogs. You twisted cunt, but I don't, I don't write that back cause you know what, they don't, on Twitter, they don't give me enough letters. All right. The art of baking. Dear William, dear William, um, as of late, I've been baking. I have never not to say this scones, sconces are the things that are on the walls. And the only reason why I know that is cause I had to say that one time in an audition, scones, he said, all right, I'm just going to say scones.

I don't give a fuck. As of lately, I've been baking scones and he writes in, Oh, Jesus, are they good? I got the idea from you and your lovely pumping and pumpkin loaves. Uh, you sound so pumped talking about your baking and it made me want to try it. It certainly adds another dimension, uh, to my game with the ladies. Oh, absolutely dude. Let me tell you something. One thing, one thing about women. All right. Other than the fact that they do not support other women playing basketball,

at least they don't do it enough. The other thing about women is they like fucking sweets. Okay. They love a guy that can cook. If you can actually fucking make something, sugary, it's great on two levels. One, it makes you seem like you're going to be a good husband and father, even if you're not, it just makes it seem that way. And they're more apt to bang you. Don't ask me why I don't pretend to understand them. Okay. And then secondly, if you actually marry that woman,

when she starts getting all fucking crampy, you know, getting all bitchy when she gets the cramped toast over there, what you can do is just whip up a little pumpkin bread, a little sugar. Okay. They go, yeah, you go, honey, you fucking mush in her face. And then, you know, she's not as irritable. It's an understandable irritability. Don't get me wrong, but believe me, I know there's a lot of female comics who say, Oh, if you started bleeding from your dick once a month, you'd be complaining too. Yeah. And if I did, and you didn't,

you'd be bitching about my mood. So go fuck yourself. All right. Um, so anyways, he says, uh, nothing twinkle toes about baking to impress a girl. Yeah, it is. It's still very effeminate. Baking is effeminate. I don't care how you look at it. There's nothing wrong with it. You're getting in touch with your feminine side. I'm so proud of you. Here's another thing you can do. Somebody sent me an email about this too. You want to, you want to really start slaying it. If you have no fucking game, and you need to do something to make your franchise look a little more

attractive. So maybe you can make one or two big signings during this off season. All right. Learn how to bake. And by all means take a fuck, start taking yoga classes. Yoga classes are 98% women. All right. And I don't know what it is. Most of them are fucking hot. Now, a lot of granted I've taken yoga classes in New York city in Los Angeles. So there's that. So knock that down by about 30%. Um, and also a lot of them are career driven. So there's not a lot of moms in there. It's a lot of single women in there.

Very limber fucked in the head of women. You know what? Fuck that. Scratch all that. Learn how to bake no matter where you are, but take yoga and like Miami, take yoga classes where there's going to be a lot of hot women. There you go. There's my stupid advice for the week. Anyways, let's, let's continue here. He said the ladies get turned on by a guy who can cook slash bake because a, it exemplifies our capability to follow instructions, parentheses recipe and B they can tell by the texture that you're good with your

hands needing. What are you going to need her titties? Just fucking grabbing her ass cheeks, you know, semolina. Um, anyways, he says, thanks for letting us in on that little secret. Hey, dude, it's all you buddy. You fucking took it and you ran with it. Um, yeah, that's all that shit. I'm telling you right now, if you fucking, if you want to upgrade the level of ass in your life and you just look at yourself in the mirror and you're like, no matter what I do, when I look at myself,

you know, I'm like, I'm like a six, a five. If you, I'm telling you, if you learn how to fucking bake, okay. Just shit, you know what you do? You learn how to make shit that they like to eat. What's that? What's those? It looks like lasagna. It looks like a pie, but it has eggs in it. Keesh. That was a cold. I can never fucking remember.

The only way I remember what that's called is I remember the actor, Stacy Keech. So that's the nickname for that shit. Whenever I see it with Nia, like we'll come walking in and I'll look at the breakfast options. And then whenever I see it, I just go, and she laughs for whatever fucking reason cause she gets my sense of humor. So you've learned how to do that. Here's another one. All right. Learn how to make red velvet pancakes. I swear to God, I'm not saying every woman likes this,

but you just increased by 2% your chances of someday banging a model if you know how to make red velvet pancakes. Okay. Some tall woman will come into your life. I'm guaranteeing it right now. You got a 2% chance more. She'll come into your life. She will eat those red velvet pancakes. Okay. She will quickly go to the bathroom. She will puke them up and then jump on your dick. And you're not even going to give a fuck. Okay. Cause she's hot. Yeah. Sorry.

That was disgusting on so many levels. Anyways, he says I'm looking forward to seeing you in Ottawa. Hopefully you get a chance to skate on the canal. Um, Jesus Christ. If that doesn't sound like the most effeminate thing ever, I'll fucking do that in a second. He said, you're always welcome to come play hockey with us after the show. Get the fuck out of here where I want to play. I got two shows there. I think do fuck that. If there's a game after the show in Ottawa,

I want in don't fuck me cause I'm going to check my hockey shit. Are you going to be mad at me if I play? I have to play pond hockey with all my hockey gear on because I'm in the middle of a tour. I can't crack my skull, my knee or my elbow there. Um, dude, come on, let's do it and fight me. Can I come over your house? I feel like the kid with no friends. Oh, dude, that'll be a great fucking YouTube video. All you Canadian guys out there are like no hats on street clothes,

skating all around me as I'm out there looking like Robocop. Let's fucking do it. Versey, not knowing how to skate sitting there with a Stogie, standing on a frozen pond. I'm all over it. All right. Here we go. Here's one from, um, about one of my favorite comedians of all time, Doug Stanhope. He said, Bill heard you got, you got a shout out on Doug Stanhope's podcast. Yeah. What a great guy. I'll tell you that Doug Stanhope, you know what? Biggest heart in the fucking business. He's just a great fucking guy.

You know, I love about Stanhope. He's one of the best comics of all fucking time. And he's still a fan of standup. Like actually we'll sit there and enjoy watching your sets of fucking thrill. Anytime that guy, he's given me way too many compliments. Top shelf. That's the Johnny blue of compliments right there. Getting that from Stanhope. Um, he says anytime I hear people talk about your podcast, they say it's cool that you do it by yourself and you can somehow keep it funny. Love that you don't have guests, except it'd be cool if you have Stanhope on sometime. Yes, I know.

We have to make that happen. I promise you that will happen. In fact, I will text him at the end of this podcast unless I forget. And if I forget, it's not my fault because I have ADD. Oh man, you know what? I got to use that on my wife. That'll be the funniest fucking shit ever. I'm just going to start using that as an excuse and you know what? She's going to laugh because she has a great sense of humor, but I'm going to do it until maybe five days after it's become already become annoying just cause those last five days will be fun for me and I'm

selfish. All right. Vermont. This one's talking about Vermont bill. I see you're coming to Vermont fucking finally. No one ever comes up here. Yeah. Well, what, why would you think that is? How about the fact you don't have a comedy club unless it's part of a, it's like a function room in a hotel. The only time I ever performed in Vermont I performed in a comedy zone in a Burlington a long, long time ago, like literally was it eight yet coming up on like 18 years

ago? Like 18, holy fuck am I old? I'm getting like scary old. That was 18 fucking years ago. Holy shit. Holy shit. Yeah. Well, you guys don't have a comedy club at that. What the, what do you want from me? Well, they have as that beautiful land, your syrup, your foliage. It's not like I haven't come to Albany. Why don't you get in a car and come down to civilization? I got to go up there to your fucking moonshine still.

And he goes, he goes, so how are you going to pass the time? I don't see you as someone who fantasizes about shooting a moose. I know you're, you're drinking, but Vermont has what's considered, I guess he meant not drinking, but Vermont has considered what's considered the best beer in the world right now. It's called Heady Topper. Holy shit, Bill. It's good stores get their shipment Tuesday and sell out by Wednesday. It's fucking awesome. Here's an article. I'll give you guys the link so they can sell out in the same day. Uh,

also what, what are you, what are your experiences with Vermont? Um, I, I love Vermont. I'm a, I'm a New England guy. I grew up out there. I go to Vermont and I think I would love to own the house up here. I'm sorry. If I could somehow survive in this business, um, you know, I would live in a, I would live in a place like that. I think I would go a little bit crazy cause I definitely need a little bit of action. I'd definitely, I'd like the city. I mean, I'm a suburb guy. I'm not a country guy. So, um,

I don't know, dude, that actually sounds great. If I could get a fucking log cabin, I know you don't live in log cabins out there, but, uh, I don't, you know, this fucking business, I, you know, I'm tired, man. I did a lot of road work and the more road you do, just the more you need a fucking vacation. But once you start selling tickets on the road, you get afraid. If I take a fucking week off, they're going to move on to the next guy. Um,

you know, I actually had somebody, uh, some email I was reading and they were complimenting my act and they said, Hey Bill, do you ever think some young whippersnappers going to come along and pass you and replace you? Uh, absolutely. Absolutely. It always happens. If Jordan can get too old for the NBA, I can't get too old for standup. You know, at some point, no matter how much you stay informed,

you know, you're going to be doing those matinee shows with whoever's still alive from your fucking fan base. I don't mind it. Um, it's supposed to happen. What I'm supposed to do is pick up the comedy torch and run with it as far as I can. And when I collapse, I fucking hold it up like the dude, try not to spill his white Russian. We got a beverage here, man. Um, and then the next person comes along, they grab it and they run with it.

You fucking cheer them up. Tell them to take it to the next level. And you know why that is, sir? Because standup does not belong to me. It's not mine. It's an art form. It's a privilege to be able to do it and make a living at it. So I try to respect that and I'll do it as long as I can, but like, you know, I mean shit. It fucking happens to everybody, which is why I don't have the new cell phone.

It's why I drive a seven year old hybrid. I only have one fucking TV. You hear echo echo in my fucking house because I'm, all my money goes to paying this fucking thing down. So, uh, because I know that day is going to come, that fucking day is going to come where I'm going to be sitting there and you don't want me anymore. But what about the show I did in 96 and Vermont? Um, yeah, it happens to everybody. All right.

I guess that's why you're supposed to have kids someday so you can watch them, you know, pass it on to them. That is one of my goals. So I never want to become some bitter person. I always want to be cheering on whoever's coming next, you know, that's the way you should be. You shouldn't be a fucking dick about it. Um, you know, and then also knowing that they're coming that drives you like, let's see how long I can keep these fucking plates spinning before they,

and eventually my arms are going to get tired and we don't be finished. Ah, Jesus. That's depressing. Whatever. What are you going to do? All right. Swimming. Hey, Billy, white thighs. Ah, shit. That one actually hurts. It's fucking true. Fucking wallpaper paste there. Um, you ever think about installing a lap pool? Yes, I have. Before we bought this house, I looked at another house and they had it there. I didn't like the house, but I love that.

I think that that would be great. Not like a lap pool. You mean like the thing where you basically, it's like long enough for you to lay down unless you're a basketball player and just start swimming and you're swimming against this current, one of those ones. What do you mean? Literally a pool. He says anyways, or maybe joining a gym that has a pool. It's a full body workout. And anytime I see old dudes swimming, I imagine they're really healthy. I knew swimmers in college and they ate and

drank like animals, but they were always really cut because they swam miles every day. I think the hardest part of getting into the gym and to a gym pool routine is having to see other people. Also, the first few times when you're inevitably tired after half a lap, plus there's no shocks in the water. Um, I love how you guys even write it in the Boston accent now be said. So we don't have to hear you cry about your inner fears.

My inner fear is getting old and weak. So I started swimming and it's great. Uh, see how we brought that back around. Very nice. Very nice. Um, yeah, no dude, you're doing yourself a service. You really are. Uh, I am a firm belief that you should work out your entire life. You should always do it. I mean, I'm not saying go out and play full court basketball. I mean that in your, even your thirties and fifties, just get shin splints and fucking up your feet. Uh, I think that you should do some form of exercising. I love swimming. I, um,

I am concerned about, I guess Olympic swimmers haven't died of any cancer. So the chlorine, I guess, isn't that bad, but that is the one thing. When you jump into a pool, you're jumping into a bunch of chemicals, but I guess that's better than jumping into, uh, you know, what the chemicals are killing. So we'll leave it at that. Yeah. You know what, you know, I'm going to look that up right now. Let's look up what one of those little stationary lap things are. See what this is for the person who has everything.

And then I'm going to do my, the final advertising for this fucking week. All right. What do we got here? Let's see here. Lap pool. Let me just look this up. Oh, there it is custom lap pools. What fuck you do? Get the fuck out of here. This says 17 foot swim spa is $23,900. They call it an endless pool. Are you fucking kidding me?

Ah, Jesus Christ. All this shit just popped up when I went on this website. Now, you know, I'm going to get all these fucking spam emails about endless pool fucking. Yeah. Well, let's see this. The 17 foot endless pool spa features a large exercise area that is ideal for swimming, aquatic exercise and fun with easy access, full depth stairs and up to two jets.

And with over 20 jets, you can exercise, relax and enjoy increased family time in the convent. Yeah. You ever want to piss with your whole family? Let's get a lap pool. Improve your health and wellbeing on an endless pool. All right. Here's the dimensions. 17 feet by, well, I guess now they're doing inches to 204 inches, which comes out to 17 feet by 91 and a half inches

by 54 and a half inches. I guess that's how deep it is. I ain't what the fuck. I didn't want to say it. The 54 is at five feet deep. Is it? What is that? Four feet, four and a half. I love this shit here. This thing is $23,000 and they have a little button here that says add to the cart. Like there's other shit that you're going to be getting with this. All right. They have a 10 foot one. Oh my God.

Oh shit. That's just, he might as well just use that place to take a dump. How much is this one? Add to cart. 15,000 nine to fuck you. I'm going to jump in a goddamn dirty pond. I guess it is amazing that you're, you're literally swimming against a current that doesn't exist. All right. Now you're getting to some cheaper ones here. Here's,

here's the fucking the Hyundai version for 10 grand. Oh, that thing's a joke. What is it? Is that a hot tub? Oh, go fuck yourself. Well, yeah, you know, I guess I thought about it. I've definitely thought about now that I know how much it costs. Holy shit. I have to take a second mortgage out of my house to get one of those. They are cool as shit though. Images for lap pools. Dude, why did you do this? Now I'm going to sit here. Look at that one. That looks like a real pool. Oh, that is a real pool.

Who the fuck lives here? Max Spitz. Keeping fit with home lap pool. Now that's, now you don't give a fuck about your kids. If you got one of those, you get this skinny pool that nobody can jump into without breaking their goddamn necks. And it's for you and you have fucking gray chest hair. Oh, whatever. Do you guys really want to sit here and listen to me fucking reading about lap pools? Wow. Those things are cool as hell though. Yeah. I thought about getting one until I saw how much they were.

Now that I know how much they are, I'm not, I am no longer interested. I need a friend. I need a rich friend with a fucking lap pool. Good Lord. Just a pool in general. How fucking cool is that? Fucking indoor pool, indoor lap pool. Who's this fucking banker who has this shit? Indoor lap pool. You know what's funny with me? I would do, I would get one of those. Okay. Let's just say I could afford that. I'd get one of those fucking things.

And then within a month, I'd be bored and I would go and do something else. I'm the worst. And I'd still owe all that money. Tranquil lap pool. Jesus Christ. You know what? I'm going to look at these fucking things. Anybody out there sell lap pools? How many fucking, how many of these do you sell a month? Jesus Christ.

I'm going to get on one of those fucking home makeover shows. All right. I'm going to have them redo the wiring in my house and fucking put in a lap pool and then I'll go there and I'll fucking act. Oh my God. A lap pool. Jump around and hug everybody that fucking did it. You know, get on, pit my pool, whatever the fuck the show is. All right. Who gives a fuck? All right. Anyways, that's the, uh, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. Um, I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you learned something.

I hope it was funny, even though I did it on a Sunday. And if you didn't learn anything, it's not my fault cause I got ADD over there. That's it. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. And, um, please watch the Olympic hockey speeds, gating, curling and all that shit. Enjoy the Olympics. You know, even though the water doesn't run, even though they don't like gay people over there. God damn it. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cyrillus where romance finds fantasy.

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