Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-11-16

Episode Date: February 11, 2016

Bill rambles about Hershey Kisses, a certain something and trumpet voice.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday Morning Podcast. How's it going? Oh, that's wonderful. Did that happen this week? Good for you. You know what? Good for you. Good for you. You know, I'm going to be, I'm going back down the rabbit hole this Thursday. I know it's supposed to be about you on Thursdays. Mondays, it's about me. But on Thursdays, it's supposed to be about you. You know what I mean? You sitting there, you sitting there with that Styrofoam cup, drinking a cup of Joe. America don't work without you. You know, we're singing those condescending songs to the working man. Hey, gay puts his fucking pants on one leg at

time. Joe Sixpack. Yeah. Goes to the track every once in a while, has an occasional cigar. You know, laughs at a racist joke every 7.2 days. You know, never questions it. Yeah, I'm going down the rabbit hole this week. Because I, you know, I, I would like a little bit of credit after the Super Bowl for being a fucking gentleman as a Patriot fan. Okay. And you Bronco fans better know what I'm talking about. I was a gentleman. You know, it's so funny. A lot of you orange cunts got your fucking head so far up your fucking Bronco asses that you don't even know what I'm talking about. You think I'm talking about because you guys kick my team's ass, right? Not really kicked our ass fucking one in the last second,

took the whole fucking game to win, right? You think that I'm fucking saying that I was nice that actually rooted for Peyton Manning and the Broncos. No, that's not what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about. After Tom Brady went through that fucking, the deflate gate thing went through the entire baseball season. Air pressure. Okay. You know, you would think if that's what happens with air pressure, what if a certain someone had a certain something shipped to a certain house to a certain wife and that certain someone is in the fucking Super Bowl? Jesus Christ, if they can make a fucking air pressure and eight month fucking goddamn story on ESPN, how long is this thing going to last? Answer zero seconds. Wasn't even a fucking story.

Okay. And you know what? And I loved that it happened. I loved that they didn't make a big fucking deal out of it, you know, because I don't think they should. I think we're all going to be on Roids in the future. In the future, we're all going to be jacked, right? In the future, they're going to have like a fucking 80 enrolled or like heavyweight division, you know? Sorry, I'm eating a Hershey's kiss. I just had something salty. I apologize. Very rude. You know, I'm just saying what I loved about how that happened is I'm never going to lose another fucking argument that there is a fucking witch hunt or that was a fucking witch hunt. Okay, if you're going to fucking, you know, go fucking ballistic about that horseshit,

you know, then all somebody has to come out and says disgusting. I don't just makes me shit. Oh God, where did she even come from? And then that's the end. It's over. It's over. Done. I don't know about you guys, but I don't have any more questions. Take down the police tape. Close the book. Take it off the board. Another case solved. Fucking unbelievable. I was a gentleman. Oh, I was gentle. Look at me now. Not even naming names. You know what I'm talking about. Everybody knows what I'm talking about. I'm just being a fucking gentleman. I'm just a gentleman right now sitting in here and some fucking basketball shorts, eating Hershey kisses, just talking, just talking to myself. Oh, I'm having another one.

Who's the fucking annoying cunt that makes Hershey's kisses? I don't fucking get it. You know, thank God whoever makes Hershey's kisses also doesn't make popcorn or you have to fucking unwrap each goddamn kernel popped, right? Am I doing 80 stand up right now? Why? Hershey kisses so small. You know, I bet they make bigger ones now for fat fucks. I gotta look that up. What should I Google here? Hershey kiss for a fat fuck. I gotta do it now just to see if something comes up. Dude, my dog looks so fucking cute right now. She's completely just like she has her bed and nobody fucking lies down on a bed like a dog just because they pack animals and they don't need their space. They like being in each other's spaces laying down on top of each

other. She's laying there right now. She looks like a fucking lion just laying in a cage except she's got a bed and there's no cage. She really doesn't look like a lion. She looks like a dog. She's chilling. That's what I'm trying to say. All right. When I say Hershey kiss, Hershey is the one chocolate I have. Hershey kiss for fat fuck. You know there's gonna be a hit here. Hershey kisses. This annoys me. Irish people taste, test Hershey kisses. Oh, let me guess they're gonna shit on America's chocolate. When the fuck go Europe? Is it just enough already? You know what I mean? Isn't it enough that we accepted the fact that you stole blues music after we stole it and then brought it back to us? We were nice about it, didn't we?

All right. I would supersize Hershey's kiss and then there's no way they're gonna say for fat fuck. Come on, Bill. Let's be intelligence about this. All right. Hershey kiss for supersize, but then they're not gonna be able to say that because McDonald's uses that, right? Super size, which all just means for fat fucks, right? Kisses, Giants, milk chocolate, seven ounce package, images for Hershey kisses. Super size. There they are. Oh, yeah. You know somebody fucking complained. You know, some fucking, you know, those people that breathe like Biggie Smalls. Kind of out of shape. They have sleep apnea even when they're awake. You know, they called up to her. Can I speak to Hershey's Kisses department, please?

How many of you work so much? I can't get a birth. Somebody can all of it for them. You know, it's just so fucking gross to them like it was just gross to you that they just said, fine, fine, we'll make them bigger. You know, just imagine how much more aluminum foil that was. Some poor kid fucking, you know, throwing out his back, picking up those giant chocolate fucking kisses. They're really not that much bigger. Oh fuck, you ever have those peanut butter ones? What am I talking about? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Let's, let's continue on here. So anyways, I am going to have a good time with that when I go to, I'm actually going to Cheyenne Wyoming and Denver, Colorado, and all the fun I'm going to have in Denver, wishing them a happy celebration for

their Super Bowl win. And you know, you know, and I'll have a couple of the, you know, choice words to say. And you know what the best part is as much as if I do, I don't think I'm going to do it, but if I do it as much as they boo and as loud as they boo in the back of their heads, they know I'm fucking right. I challenge anyone of you guys, send me a fucking email right now and you tell me that there isn't some unbalanced fucking going after the Patriots thing after that fucking horse shit. If the flight gate is an eight month story and that fucking thing is eight seconds. Oh, what a gentleman. I didn't say shit to, I alluded to it, but I, you know, I'm still not naming names. We had protection issues. It's not a story.

Nothing to see here. Anyway, so I'm going to Wyoming and I drove through it a long time ago and saw these things that look like deer, but I knew they weren't, you know, so I was just like, wow, where the fuck am I? Even though I knew I was in Wyoming, right? His podcast is all over the place. Let me, so I looked up Wyoming on Wikipedia. Who's kidding? I went to Wikipedia. I didn't even go to Wikipedia. I just wrote Wyoming and Wikipedia always, always comes up, right? It's just a great website. You know, you just read a bunch of things about the thing that you looked up and afterwards you feel like you studied something and then you throw it out at a party and you go, yeah, it does. And then eventually you run into somebody that's an expert on it and

then you realize halfway through it and then you're like, you know what, fuck you. And you just walk away doing the, uh, the Wikipedia shuffle as you walk away. So anyways, I found out that Wyoming is, um, I bet somebody there named their kid, Oming, you know, their first name, Oming. So they could be like, why Oming? How are you doing? Sorry, Jesus, brutal podcast. All right, this article includes a sortable listing of the United States 50, uh, 50 United States by population density. Cause I immediately found out that Wyoming, Wyoming is the, um, second least, densely populated state. All right. So here we go. Let me get to the list here, density state ranks. Here we go. All right. The top one, what do you think it is? Now this is

density. This is not population. This is like elbow room. Okay. Density. Uh, the most densely populated state is, you'd never guess this in this new Jersey. I never would have guessed that. Most densely populated was New Jersey. That's because of all the cunts that can't afford to live in Manhattan right along the coast. I think, uh, then there's Rhode Island. It's number two. Massachusetts is number three. It's all the small ones on the East coast where the white man first landed, right? First started banging away, first said to the Native Americans, what do you call that stuff, man? Can you teach us how to grow it? Right? Well, they took it from them. Um, Connecticut, Maryland, Delaware, New York, Florida, right? We're every loser with

a dream from the East coast fucking vacations. Joe, we're going down to Fort Myers. My cousin has a boat, uh, Pennsylvania in Ohio. That's the top 10 most densely populated. I was surprised. California was 11 was not in the top 10. Granted. I live in Los Angeles. All right. Least populated state. What do you guess? Huh? What do you got? What do you got? Alaska. All right. Here we go. Here's the top least populated from, um, number 10 all the way down to number one, number one being the least densely populated. All right. Kansas, Nevada, Nebraska, Idaho, New Mexico, South Dakota, North Dakota, Montana, Wyoming in Alaska. So there you go. And generally speaking, I guess we are a, not a very densely populated country. And, uh, you know, you think I would notice that the amount

of traveling I've done, the only time I really noticed it was when I went to Asia and I was like, Jesus Christ, there's a lot of fucking people over here. You know, that's all you do when you go to Asia. Holy fucking shit. Look at all these fucking, look at these apartment buildings. Look at them all. They're all filled. There's laundry hanging out of every window. Um, isn't it amazing that there's a billion people in China and they all have shirts? Have you ever fucking thought about stuff like that? Like who the fuck made all those shirts? You'd think with all those fucking P all those shirts that needed to be made, wouldn't you think that you would know somebody that makes shirts? I don't know anybody in the clothing industry yet. Everybody, everybody in

the fucking, that's unbelievable. As much as many roller blades as they sold, right? Everybody didn't have them, but everybody's got a shirt, right? Everybody's got to cover up their junk. Yeah. Even the strippers, even strippers have to walk out with some clothes, right? Before they take it off. All right. This article is about the US state, Wyoming. Wyoming is a state in the mountain region of West. We know all this shit, the United States, but it's a What the fuck is it? Come on. The western two thirds of the state is covered mostly with the mountain ranges and the range lands in the foothills of the Eastern Rocky Mountains. This is God's country here. While the Eastern third of the state is high plane, high elevation

prairie known as the high planes. Cheyenne is the capital and the most populous city in Wyoming with the population estimate of this is the most populated city in Wyoming, a population of 62,448 people as of 2013. 62,448 people. Do you realize what that is? That's a dream. That's a dream. You know what the sad thing is? Most people like myself, I would go there and I would go crazy because there was quote, nothing to do. Look at these fucking pictures. This all looks like a Clint Eastwood movie. You don't know. Oh my God, look at the sunsets. Hey, I'd go out of my mind here. Jesus Christ. It's fucking unreal. I mean, if you run into a Native American that he doesn't even know that they lost, right? Like back in the day when those Japanese soldiers stayed

on the fucking islands and kept fighting World War II. Is old faithful there? Yellowstone is in fucking Wyoming. I never knew that. Oh man, I wish I had the time. I would drive all the way up there on the John D. Rockefeller Jr. Memorial Parkway. I would go all the way up there. Wyoming, that's going to be a fucking amazing state. This is all like fucking like, like the people that live there. You got the regular people that are from there, generations, generations of people that, you know, first went across the country and had the balls to pull up stakes from the East Coast and go West and didn't have the balls to continue. Like all those real men that settled in San Francisco and Los Angeles, particularly Hollywood.

They stayed there, right? And then what you have now is you have rich fucks and rich fucks, meaning just like business people and then celebrities. Celebrities are big on going out there buying some place where they can just get away and clear their head, you know, become a singer-songwriter or whatever the fuck it is they want to do. I'd like to do that shit, man. I'd like to run a log cabin out there, but like one of those, it looks like a log cabin from the outside, but on the inside it looks like a house, right? Like an updated one, not a real one with the dirt floor, you know, with some grizzly bear sticking its face through the fucking kitchen window, like there is a kitchen. It's just a

fireplace, right? Fuck all that. You know what I mean? I, you know, something, this is what, you know what I always enjoyed most about fucking skiing because this time of year, I'm sure there's great skiing, even with global warming, right, which we're not causing evidently from the documentaries that I watched. I didn't watch them. I just saw the links and I was just like, you know, I'm too fucking busy. I'm too busy. I'm staying with the, I'm staying with my life. You know, the thing that I like most about skiing is after skiing and going down to the lodge and sitting by the fire and getting shitfaced, you know, the whole skiing itself and worrying that

I'm going to blow out my knee. I fucking hate skiing, man. I respect the hell out of it. I think it's an amazing workout, but like I should take a lesson. I never took a lesson. I was like, I can skate, right? And I just started going down the blue square once, right? Then of course, you know, your ego, then it's black diamond, double black diamond. I don't wear a helmet. It's really fucking dumb. And I don't know how to fall. And whatever I do, one knee goes one way, one goes the other way. And it's just like, you know what I should just do? I should just buy all the ski ship shit minus the fucking poles and the skis and then just go do cardio like a fucking maniac for two hours. Okay. Then I put all the ski shit on. I roll around in the snow and

then I come walking into the lodge and just say, I went down some quadruple black diamond. I would like an IPA, right? And then I sit there, a couple of snow bunnies come walking up, right? Little how's your father? And I'm in there. But that's not going to happen. I'm just going to go to Cheyenne and tell some shit jokes. That's what's going to happen. You know, it sucks that I'm barely into that beautiful state. Mark my words. At some point, I'm going to, I got to do a tour of all, you know, go from fucking Wyoming, over to Nebraska, up through the Dakotas, through Montana, down through fucking Idaho, back over to Yellowstone, and then I'll fucking head home. I had to do one of those fucking runs. That'd be a fun one. It cost a fucking fortune.

Fortune and gas, every fucking city, there's like nine, eight hours, nine hour drives between each of them. I run into some comics that have done those runs out there, dude. That is not for the fucking fate of heart. I can tell you that right now. But I'm definitely going to do that. You know, I'm psyched because I haven't, I haven't been to Nebraska in a long fucking time. I used to do all of those things. I was just watching Better Call Saul. And when they were naming some of the cities, you know, I was going like, I fucking know those Hayes Grand Junction. I'd been to all of those. That's on Route 80. Route 80 goes through Nebraska. I'm sorry. What the fuck am I talking about? Let's, let's back up here for a second. Oh, Freckles flew yesterday in the helicopter.

I flew in with my instructor, my instructor, and we flew all the way up to Santa Barbara and came back and was fucking incredible. And I went along the coastline the whole way. I was trying to get a, a three point, I needed three point four on the Hobbs to have 100 hours, right? And ended up getting a 2.9 because we had a tailwind. And I also took the coast back rather than going along the 101 and down the 405. It just was too beautiful to not do it. And on the way back, you go over this Navy airstrip, which is restricted area. But if, you know, if there aren't any planes coming in, they let you fly over it. So we were flying along the coast of it. And they let us go in and they said, you know, and then they came back on the radio and they said they had a couple of planes

coming in to basically keep your eye out for it. And of course, my instructor finds them first. And I look, I go, dude, I only see one. Where's the other one? Where's the other one? Where's the other one? I'm like freaking out. He goes, no, they're like fucking those f 18s. They fly like really close together. And sure enough, when they turn the corner, there was like two of them. And they do this fucking sick ass approach that they do is they come in, right, turn base and turn final. And as they come in, right, one of them peels away, neither one of them lands on the first pass, they fly right over the runway, one of them does a tight circle and the other does a bigger circle. And then they just fucking one lands and the other one comes in right in the

after them. It was fucking insane. What was funny was the tower was going, once the air hotel keep a traffic in sight and I'm like, yeah, keeping traffic in sight once the air hotel, then I'm like going like, like, I could do anything if that fucking thing was coming at me. Like this thing was like in like a, like, not even like a Lamborghini. He's like in a Ferrari, not a Ferrari. I mean, if the fucking Batmobile, right? Whatever. It's more like one of those land speed fucking things they have out there in the salt lake, whatever the fuck, the salt flats, the fucking salty dirt out there in Utah. And I'm in this fucking house, basically in a Chevy Chevette. Like if it came at me, like what was I going to do other than be like,

and then that would have been it. What a way to go. But when we were coming back down, we got to a point on the, a lot of geography in this one, we got along this point on the California coast, which is called, I think, I think Dune's point had never flown up there before. And there's this sick ass fucking house there, right as you go up there, it's got like a fucking a pool that shaped like a fucking cutlass like a sword. And we were looking at that and as we came down a little bit further, we saw something splashing in the water and we looked down and it was a whale coming up by breaching, I believe is what you call it. And we did a little loop around, I got some video, I'll put that up there. It was fucking amazing. And then

there's just this point, I think it maybe it's, maybe that was further up, I think it was further up north when we came around Dune's point, like all of a sudden you could start to see LAX and then Santa Monica Culver City and then downtown LA was one of the most beautiful flights that I've been on. But the big thing was I flew by LAX and I made all the radio calls, which is, you know, Bravo airspace, as I've mentioned before, and that's like the shit where you need explicit permission to go into that airspace where they have to read your whole fucking tail number. And I don't know, it's like you feel like you're fucking talking to God when you talk to those guys. So I had rehearsed the radio call like fucking 30 times on the drive down.

And I was able to say it with enough confidence that it didn't sound too much like an asshole. And then let us go through and it was kind of anticlimactic. I had really built it up in my fucking head. But anyway, so I went back, I got a 2.9. So old freckles says 99.5 99.5 hours. So I was supposed to fly today, but I was tired and I don't fuck around doing that shit. I'm just like, yeah, I'm feeling tired. I'm not feeling it. Fuck it. So anyways, another thing that I was looking up is as beautiful as these states are, you know, that I've been going to all of these states that people, you know, consider flyover states and fucking with the fuck who's on there, you know, just shitting all over them, even though they're absolutely gorgeous. And

there's great people out there is, you know, just the drug use and that type of shit is really fucking bad. The heroin, man, everywhere I go is this fucking heroin problem. And they keep linking it back to these, you know, people having an injury. I saw this on real sports, people have an injury and then they get like whatever they get the fucking was it Percocets Viking and I don't know what the fuck it is oxy and that shit. And then when that runs out, they still want that high and heroin is cheaper. And it's just like, you know, once again, once again, you would think, you know, with all this shit of talking about terrorism, you know, and people doing shit to this country for some reason, you can fuck with the food supply and you can get your own countrymen

addicted to heroin. And as long as you got enough fucking money, nobody gives a shit. It's completely flag. Isn't that like an act of terrorism? Am I out of my fucking mind? How can you do that to fellow Americans? You're ruining people's lives. It's fucking brutal. But it's one of the reasons why I stay out of the politics shit. You know, every once in a while, I look at the stuff and it just, I don't know. It's like overwhelmingly depressing. You know, like, I saw something the other day on for some reason, I was looking up Chelsea Clinton, because I saw her on TV with Hillary and Hillary was giving a speech saying right. And I was literally going like, there's no fucking way I can listen to that voice for

four fucking years. I just can't. I am not against a woman being president whatsoever, but you cannot sound like somebody learning how to play a trumpet. I just, I don't give us, you could have all the answers to the fucking universe. There's no, you can't hear what she's saying. You know, my dog's looking at me right now, like really. So anyway, so I looked up and I was just going like, how old is she now? And when I started out in comedy, she was just a kid. And, you know, she was at that awkward age and it was kind of this nice unwritten rule. He didn't make fun of it. Well, she was a fucking awkward age right now. I was like, well, she's like 12 or something like that. And I went to go look it up, you know, how old she was

found out she was in her 30s, which fucking blew my mind, even though obviously it was 20 years ago, right? But what killed me is what I saw was they had a stator in our wedding. Do you know her parents fucking threw her a $3 million wedding? Like these politicians are so fucking dishonest, they don't even try to hide it. It's like, how the fuck could you afford a $3 million wedding? The most money either one of you ever made in public service was, was being president, which was 400 grand a fucking year. Dude, you make 400 fucking grand a year. They're gonna whack you in half. You're going to maybe walk with 200, right? Nowadays, probably less than that, probably 195. What the fuck are you getting off paying for a fucking, you got a fucking $3 million wedding,

a house on fucking math is vineyard. Give me a fucking break. These cunts go around, right? All right, I got another Hershey's kiss in my mouth, so you know I'm telling the truth. These guys go around, they just give speeches. Him and his wife, 250, 300 grand a fucking whack, just giving speeches. Can you imagine paying 300 grand to listen to somebody for an hour ago? Right for a fucking hour. Now you got sickly Clinton with that awful facelift that he got, which just made his head look fucking huge. He's lost all that weight and he got a chin, whatever the fuck he did to his chin, he yanked that fucker back. He looked like a bobblehead version of himself. And I'll tell you, his shits, he yanked back so tight,

he can't even clap anymore. You know what I mean? Either that or that's his true feelings about his wife, right? Which you can't blame. You really can't blame Bill Clinton for going out and taking a cigar and putting it in that woman. You know what I mean? If like that's what he's laying next to at bed. I mean, I, you know, Jesus Christ, if I was married to Hillary Clinton, she would have to have, you know those surgical masks that Asian people wear when they get sick because they don't want to get anybody else sick because they're fucking courteous or because it's like nine zillion people that live next door and turn into an epidemic. I don't fucking know why they do it, right? I would make her wear one of those all the time because maybe then she'd sound like a muted

trumpet, right? And every once in a while, she'd hit a couple of notes that remind me of a Miles Davis song. And then maybe I could just stop myself from strangling her in the fucking oval office. You know, this reminds me like an animal that like is getting eaten alive. You know, you ever hear that like just like time I saw that fucking monkey eating that other monkey alive, just digging meat out of its back and it's like, you know, it's sort of like not as sharp and not as quick as that. Anyways, and then fucking that, that Bernie Sanders guys with his fucking night, you know, you look at, you know, you wonder why Bill Clinton got a fucking facelift and then you're

fucking got his neck done. Then you look at Bernie Sanders, you're like, oh, that's why. Jesus Christ, he looks like a fucking, he looks like a bloodhound eating a fucking turkey dinner. Jowl's flopping all around. All of these guys, that Jersey guy looks all fat. And then everybody else just looks like an extra to me. Granted, I have not listened to one fucking word. Any of them have said, but it's, it's going to be interesting. Oh really, Bill, you think it's going to be interesting? A presidential election that might pique your interest, you freckled arrogant cunt. Anyways, so what else? I'm doing a show tonight. I got some new fucking material. I'm really excited about it. And I want to thank everybody who

bought tickets out in Cheyenne and Denver. Denver, I'm not going to come there and shit on your fucking team. I wouldn't do that to you. I'll have fun with it. And at the end of the day, no matter how much I fucking allude to the 800 pound roided up elephant in the fucking room, no matter how much I allude to that, you can just sit back and be like, well, who gives a fuck? We won the Super Bowl, right? Rocky Mountain High, Colorado. All right, let's read, let's do some, let's do some goddamn raids here for this week. All right. All right. Okay, me undies, me undies, me undies. Your wife's taking HGH, but do, do, do, me undies, me undies. Sorry. All right, this year, don't be predictable and show up at Valentine's Day

dinner with some last minute box of chocolates or a bouquet of roses that are going to die in a week anyways. Shots fired. Give the gift everyone is talking about. Nobody is talking about this underwear. Hey man, did you hear about me undies? No. Do you want to? No. All right then, show your special someone just how much you care with the present. You'll both love a gift that looks great and feels great too. Sometime, something that says you deserve the best. Treat yourself and your boo to a matching pair of me undies. Creepy. The world's most comfortable underwear. Please include the model, model, model. The underwear is coming, is as comfy as it gets, is coming gross. Me undies are made of micro modal, modal fabric, meaning they're twice as soft as

cotton. You know what? I'm sick of saying that. I'm going to fucking look that up right now. Modal versus cotton. Good evening, little tonight. Modal versus cotton. Men's underwear fabric types. The once considered artificial silk. Oh, it's artificial silk. Holy shit. Wait a minute. Once considered an artificial silk. It was once considered considered an artificial silk. Gross. What the fuck is that? Jesus Christ. All of a sudden this ad came down and it was a shredded dude. He looked like a diver. Remember how shredded Greg Loganus was with these little skibbies on at his fucking package? Jesus Christ. They should have been a warning.

Package delivery on the way. All right. Once considered an artificial silk modal, modal is a type of rayon. What? They used to make slacks in the 70s. That's softer than cotton and is smooth and soft and breathes extremely well. There you go. There you go. No more sweaty balls. An extremely luxurious fabric. My mistake. Excuse me. It's cool to the touch. Absorbent. Gross. And similar in texture to silk or cotton. Unlike cotton, however, it is resistant to shrinkage and less likely to fade or pill. Well, Jesus Christ, don't I owe everybody fucking me undies an apology. I'll never be a cunt again when I read this. All right. The twice as soft as cotton. It's an artificial silk. Okay. I'll go with that.

Keeps your balls dry. It's cool to the touch. And they don't just feel great. Feel great. They look great too. Me undies comes in tons of cool prints and styles and new designs come out every month. That sounds like a lie. Anytime they say tons, give me a number. Oh, there's tons of them. Got them right around the corner. Just give me the money. You won't want to miss February's limited edition design from legendary artist Keith Herring. Oh fuck, Keith Herring. What the fuck is Keith Herring? Hang on a second. Keith. The fuck is Keith Herring? He probably opens for Clinton when he fucking gives speeches. Can I have some over them silky underwear before she sucks my dick? Keith Herring was an American artist. This guy's fucking dead. How the hell is he

designed in underwear? 1958 to 1990. He was 32. Jesus Christ. He died young. He was an American artist and social activist. Oh, of course he died. Those are the fucking people that the government put shit in your coffee. Whose work responded to the New York City street culture of the 80s, concept of birth, death, sexuality, and war. Jesus Christ, you're going to put this on underwear? Oh, yeah, the stick figures. Oh, yeah. This guy had his own style. I actually know what this guy's shit is. I've seen that before. I don't get it. I mean, it looks like a fucking better version of what I drew in kindergarten. But then again, a lot of modern art does. Hey, Bill, why don't you just read the fucking copy? All right. This retro design is inspired by love, making it the

perfect Valentine's Day gift. Grab yourself a pair and celebrate the holiday sporting, matching underwear with your sweetheart, gross, and me on these has to keep it for free. Guarantee has a keep it for free guarantee. If you don't fall in love with your first pair, keep them and you'll get your money back. No questions asked. So what are they going to do? Return them and then you're going to resell them. All right. This year, when Valentine's Day, head to head me on these.com. What this year when valent this year, when Valentine's Day, head to me on these.com slash burr now to get free shipping and 20% off your first order. See that? I just saw when and then head. So when head to head, I went to a sports place. Don't

wait till the last minute, get a matching pair of this month's limited edition print while you still can and get 20% off your first order at me on these me on these.com slash burr. That's me on these.com slash burr for free shipping and 20% off your first order of the world's most comfortable underwear. All right. Legal zoom. Legal zoom before another year passes. Take the time to get your life organized with legal zoom. Do you have a family? Do you have any assets? Do you own property? If any of those answers were yes, you should have an estate plan. Don't worry if that sounds complicated. Legal zoom can help. Legal zooms estate plan bundles eliminate the guesswork. You don't have to figure out on your own. You don't have to figure out on your own whether

a will or living trust works best for you. Instead, you work with an independent attorney available in most states. Well, isn't that how you do it anyways? They'll walk you through the options and recommend an estate plan that best that offers the best solution to fit your needs since legal zoom is not a law firm. You can count on efficiency and value. That's such a weird sentence to me. Everything is on your, yeah, we're not a law firm. We'll fucking breeze right through this. Everything is on your schedule and your terms. Plus, you'll know what your estate plan bundles cost up front instead of worrying about hourly rates. That's how legal zoom has become the leader in helping small business owners and families with

their legal needs. You get legal help and you walk away feeling great. God damn, that was awesome. Get your life organized within the state bundle at legal zoom.com today. Don't forget to enter burr, b-u-r-r in the referral box at checkout. That's code burr at legal zoom.com. Alrighty, there we go. All right, that's going to be the Thursday afternoon podcast. Once again, Andrew Thamelis is going to give you some cool music that I know nothing about as he does every single week. Thank you guys for listening. I hope you have your wonderful weekend, your constant Bronco fans. I'm just fucking with you. Okay, I don't give a shit. You think I'm not going to be on roids when I'm, you know, I was going to say older. I'm going to

be 48 this year. So I should probably start taking them, you know, start showing up to gigs with no neck, you know, seeing if people fucking, dude, you know what fucking Peyton Manning's neck and head look like? Do you remember when Steve Buscemi got stuck in that chipper in Fargo? Do you remember when his leg was just sticking out with the foot? That's what Peyton Manning's neck looks like. You just stick a head on, stick a head on it. Sorry, get the hiccups. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Enjoy the throwback podcast for the last half an hour in the wonderful music. I'll talk to you on Monday, you cunts. You know, baby, yeah, you know what I'm talking about you.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah. Take a little look behind, maybe get it inside, maybe get it, I'm a true memoir, someday that girl's gonna take your mind, and then you're out. I never know what I do now, I never know what I do now, and I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, I'm a true memoir, someday that girl's gonna take your mind, and then you're out. I never know what I do now, I never know. Valentine's Day advice, Billy Boy, dearest Billiam. I know this is last minute. I had a question about Valentine's Day. I am a single guy in my mid-20s, rejoice. Dude, I'm gonna tell you right

now, if you're a single guy in your mid-20s, and you live in America, and you're living on your own, please, drop to your knees and thank whatever God you pray to every day, because you're never gonna be freer in your life. I know you probably got student loans and blah, blah, blah, the stress and all that bullshit, fuck that, okay? You're never gonna be freer in your life. Go get three-year supplies of condoms, okay? And bang away, my friend. Maybe you don't need to do it for three years. Maybe you're one of those guys for only three weeks, but you need to get it out of your system. All right, he says, I never really had a girlfriend for whatever reason. Oh Jesus Christ, all right, we're going the whole other other way. Truth be told, my friends could

name numerous reasons why I don't have a girlfriend, but that's an entirely different issue. Well, Jesus Christ, there's a fucking can of worms. You don't seem defensive or argumentative, so I don't know if it's an anger issue. I'm so sick of trying to be a fucking Hannibal Lecter here, trying to guess what your shoes look like with the way you write, you know? All right, I'm just gonna read the rest of this shit. As of right now, I am currently sleeping with three girls off. Oh, so you're fucking, you're knocking it out. I thought you'd never had a girlfriend, like, and you never banged anybody. All right, my fault. All right, dude, go fuck yourself. You're a guy in your mid-20s and you're fucking three girls right now, and you need advice. Keep doing

what you're doing. Anyways, depending on what day of the week it is and how much I've drank, okay, that depends on how many girls he's banging. I've never lied to any of them about where our relationship is going, and although they never met each other, each of them has an idea that I'm seeing other girls. It's kind of a don't ask, don't tell policy. Yeah, dude, and you gotta come with that. You know, you can open with that. You know, what are you doing? I'm dating. I'm playing the field. How many people do you date right now? A couple other people are kind of seeing, just having a good time. Well, I don't do stuff like that. Well, there's the door, sweetheart. Then they'll respect like that, the honesty of that. Some won't. Some will actually have self-esteem

walked out, but a lot of them, they'll hang around. Eventually, they'll get tired, their neck gets weak, and they'll fall right in your fucking dick. Birthdays and Christmas are always a piece of cake because all that requires a quick text or a phone call, or at the very most drinks at the bar. But Valentine's Day is tricky. Our dates consist of bar hopping and drunk sex, so flowers and a nice dinner would completely send the wrong message. Dude, you selfish cunt. Are you asking me how to keep banging these three chicks while getting through Valentine's Day? Why don't you just look at the Valentine's Day like that's your pussy getting all star break. Just take three days off, the day before, the day after, and the day of. Just say, what are you doing for Valentine's Day?

I'm going to be, Jesus, where are you going to be? I don't have a good one for that one. All right, you know what? I just put myself in your shoes and I understand your problem now. He said, I got to do a little bit of trouble last year when one of the girls texted me and said, you know, every girl likes flowers on Valentine's Day. He said, I knew my response couldn't be, yeah, but if I get you flowers, then I have to get flowers for all the other girls. So I just pushed out and responded, yeah, well, oh dude, you shouldn't have responded at all. You know, every girl likes to get flowers on Valentine's Day. Isn't that funny? And that has nothing to do with most likely her having any sort

of feelings towards you. It's just the bitch next to her and the other cubicle probably got some, you know, other girl in there, whatever the fuck you want to call it. Some guy broke my balls this week. It was fucking hilarious. He was trashing me. Say, come off as a pompous ass because I always talk about anybody who doesn't do comedy works in a cubicle, you know, and for some reason he decided to take that seriously and tell me that he actually works at the UN and travels all around the world. If that's actually true, sir, why don't you just get on with doing that? You work at the UN and you travel all over the world. Why would you give a fuck what some absolute jackass is saying on a fucking podcast? How insecure are you? Your insecurity

is probably a great thing because that's probably the thing that drove you to be at the UN where you travel all around the world. You know what, sir? Good for you. That's awesome. I hope working at the UN and traveling all around the world fills you up some point where it fills you up high enough where you don't have to respond to a silly joke on some dumbass podcast. I travel all around the world. You know what? That's actually a great fucking job. Do you feel like you get anything done? You know, do you sit there wearing that headpiece next to that guy who's wearing the water buffalo hat doing that shit and you're sitting there trying to talk to him about how you can sell your rich crackers to their country? Is that what you're doing?

When you're traveling all around the world, I travel all around the world. I can just see you on the plane with your fucking dress socks on. You have a dash cunt. Oh, just sitting there. Ooh, what movies am I going to watch on this flight as I travel all around the world? Anyways, you know something, sir? You had the James Bond job and then you fucking you played yourself. I don't know why you did that. Why would you fucking? That's like me responding to people on Twitter. Why would I do it? I should pretend like I have better things to do. Anyways, I want to keep seeing all these girls back to this guy, but at the same time, I don't want any broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Oh, dude, you know what? I don't understand.

What is your problem here? Dude, are you like a Gemini? It's like you're this fucking lady killer, and then also you're kind of like, you know, you wouldn't hurt anybody. Should I get her some jam jams? I can't even talk to the fucking UN guy. What the hell was going on here again? Valentine's Day. I got a little trouble last year. Well, listen, you're anticipating trouble. Didn't you learn anything from last year? You know, every girl likes flowers on Valentine's Day. What would I write back? I know what my response would be the second I read that. If it was just some girl, I was banging and then they wrote that I would get this awful feeling in my stomach.

And I would, I would read it and as I got that awful feeling, I'd go, yes, I'd make that noise. You know that thing like when you're just banging a girl and then all of a sudden she just fucking makes that comment. You know, you think she's on the same page as you when she just makes that comment. You know, I was thinking about you today. You just feel that feeling in your stomach. Oh yeah, well, don't. You got to be one and done, but one and done is scary. You just got to be honest. I don't know. Some girls, what would I say? You know, every girl likes flowers on Valentine's Day.

What would I text back? Yeah, you know, that's what I heard. You know what? I don't, you know what? I shouldn't give you shit. I don't have a good response to that. Well, maybe someday you'll meet a guy who wants to give you some. You want to get drunk and fuck? Yeah, I got nothing and you can't ignore it. You know what I would have done? I would have ignored the text and I would have called her. But a good three hours later, three, four hours, three hours later, that's a good one. You call her. You ignore that text and you call her. She goes, hello. And they're like, Hey, what's going on? What are you doing tonight? I got no plans.

Valentine's Day. What are you doing? And you just start it with that. And then she, well, what do you want to do? And she'll be seen if you're going to take it in some romantic, you know, direction and you don't, you just keep it in the fuck buddy. I figure we go down to meet hammers or whatever the fuck we go down to take it in the face, have a couple of pitches of beer and see what happens. Dude, you know what? You're, you're, it seems to me, you're not just fucking these girls. You're actually having like these mini relationships with them. You know, the key to having a fuck buddy is, is the time between fucking them.

And I don't give a shit how much a woman says that she can handle it. Most of them can't. Most of them can't. If you're fucking coming over there and you, and just eventually they're going to get feelings. They're more, I don't know if they're more mature or if it's a defect. It's just, I just respect the fact that that's how they're wired. So you, if you have a fuck buddy, okay, let's, let's just do the math. Okay. Now, now February is a very short month here. So let's just say right out of the gate, you fuck her on February 2nd. All right. You shouldn't come around again till at least the 17th. And for grant, you fuck and you leave F and L you fuck them and then you leave.

You don't bang her on the second, you bang her on the second, and then you bang her on the seventh. You're in a fucking relationship in their world. You know, unless you literally the second you have an orgasm, as you're coming, you're scooping up your clothes and you walk out like half naked, then you just bizarre. Which is another good way to keep them at bay. And why don't I just read the rest of this and see what is, what is question is here. He says, I want to keep seeing all these girls, but at the same time, I don't want any broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Yeah, you want to keep fucking all of them. No, dude, what you have to have, you have to have a revolving door. You have to have a stable

of women if you're going to live this life, or you have to give in to fucking rubbing one out. All right. But you can't be a relationship guy with three different women because you are going to end up hurting them. So what you have to constantly be doing, you got to be like a college coach. All right. Every year you lose some top prospects, but you're out there recruiting. Okay. So you, so you maintain, but it's never ending. It's fucking exhausting. But if that's the game you want to play, that's what you have to do. So that girl who says, you know, every girl likes flowers on Valentine's Day, right there, you put her on waivers. Okay. For a, for a fucking piece of ass to be named later, you got to get rid of her.

Okay. And you got to look, go back and analyze what the fuck you did wrong, that she felt it was okay for her to text you, because you fucked up that right there shows that you fucked up that she felt that she could send that to you. If you think you're just fuck buddies. All right. So anyways, he continues, he says, I know that like it or not, this shit is important to women. If I take one girl out, I'm playing favorites and setting a bad precedent. Plus, if she does that check in shit on Facebook, I'm completely fucked. Yeah, dude, you're doing dirtbag shit. If you're a single guy and something could happen that fucks you on Facebook, you're leading these girls on anyways, he says, if I take none of them out or do nothing, I have three irritable

ladies on my hand. Dude, are you going to marry any of them? No, we'll then let them go. Why don't you have the balls to do that? You know, when a team halfway through the season just realized, dude, we ain't winning this shit. Just pull a fucking Marlins. Just get rid of everybody. And then your fan bases, your dick, and they're going to be, he's going to be pissed for a while. But then you build it back up again. Build it back up again. You know, I don't know. Look, dude, if you want to be in a fucking relationship, you know, there's other ways about going about than doing this, but you're trying to have your cake and eat it. Dude, you got three women right now. You're banging three different women. Where's your

confidence? You know what you're doing. All right. Dump two, keep one at bay, and then get two more. Then dump the other one and get the other one. You don't even dump them. You just phase them out. But the new recruits that you get in, you got to be straight up honest with them, you know, unless you actually feel feelings. If you're feeling no feelings, you know, don't keep coming back fucking them unless, you know, you get that 15 day. You fuck them on the second, you fuck them on the 17th, then you're into March and then banger on like the 11th. All right. And even then they can't catch feelings doing that. But before you know it, you know,

that's like 14, 15 days out of the year taken up where you got to bang somebody. This is such, this is, this is really should be eye opening to women that I'm actually saying. This is really, this is really awful. I don't know I'm speaking this out loud. He says, in a perfect world, I'll take all of them out at once and have the force and I've been chasing after my entire life, but we don't always get what we want. Any advice from the lovely Nia would be much appreciated as well. Love the podcast. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, she probably wouldn't have been as understanding as I was. I've been asking some of the ladies to write in. And finally, I haven't even read this yet,

but this already seems like gold. This is, this is the, the, the subject line of this email. It says, I think the guy I'm dating is a pussy. Hello Bill. I am a 21 year old student. I began listening to your podcast recently and I heard you complaining about how women have not written in on a while. And being a woman myself decided to do so and ask you for advice. Well, God bless you. I live at home with my mom and go to college. I recently found a very nice guy, uh, they were at college and was really into him. But then I started suspecting something strange. I started suspecting that maybe he was a pussy. At first I thought it was pretty harmless, but then one night we had a house party and

everyone was pretty drunk and a friend of mine who I haven't seen in a while was there. And when everyone was way, way, way past drunk, she tried to get into a fight with me and eventually pushed me down the wall, then stole my iPhone and he was there and did nothing. Jesus Christ. I was so scared that I called my ex to come get me and he did. Wow. Uh, you think you're dating a pussy? I mean that right there. Gee. And he just stood there and let this other guy who used to hook up with you come in, riding in on his white horse. Anyways, my ex was more of a man than the guy was dating. Now, even though the guy I'm dating was drunk, I felt like he should have protected me or done something, anything. He did nothing. And later he even confessed to me that he was

scared of my drunk friend and even scared of me. What the fuck, right? Even though he says this will never happen again, I have enough knowledge to know that people do, do not usually change like that. You know, that's a really wise, that you're really wise for your age at 21. If you, if you're already not buying into the, I'm going to change. That's your, your wise beyond your years. You know, they say that you're basically your psychological makeup is done by the time you're three. So if you see some little toddler standing there while somebody's taking his blocks, that kid's going to be a pussy. Anyway, so should I be upset or give him another chance? Is this a deal breaker? Is there no way to change a guy from a pussy to a real man?

Should I just break things off with him? And if so, should I remain friends with him? Thanks, Bill. I hope you read this. I love you and Nia. Oh, that's nice. All right. This is the deal. You asked him a question. Is there no way to change a guy from a pussy to a real man? No, I don't think, I think that that happens. I think it happens way more in movies where somebody has a life changing moment. And then they just decide, I'm not going to take shit anymore. But even then that just begins the journey of not being a pussy. You don't just say, I'm not going to be a pussy. Then bam, you're not a pussy anymore. You have to, you got to work your way up. It's like, if you were 100 pounds overweight and you're like this,

I'm done. I'm not eating fucking ice cream anymore. The next day, you don't have a six pack, you know, takes a fucking year or something. You really got to turn it around. So, I don't know, what are you looking for in a guy? I mean, I think the fact that you're writing me and you're saying, I think the guy I'm dating is a pussy. I mean, that, that actually hurts me on some level. Just because I insert myself into this story and the person I'm dating would be calling me a pussy or it could be the X, I guess. I don't know. This isn't about me. This is about you. Come on, Bill. Stop being selfish. All right. I think you've totally lost respect for this guy. And if you don't respect the person you're with, eventually you're going to blow somebody else.

You know, if you don't break up with this guy, that's what I'm predicting. If you don't break up with this guy, you're just going to cheat on them just to facilitate getting out of the relationship because, uh, you know, to get to that LL Cool J moment, we can just be fucking honest. But I don't think you like that. I was something about you knowing that people don't change at your age and the fact that you like, you know, this guy's a pussy. He's not sticking up for me. And the fact that he didn't stick up for you and then you took charge and say, well, I'm going to fucking call somebody who will. I mean, technically you should have fucked your ex-boyfriend that night and he shouldn't have been mad. He should have been like, and he probably wouldn't have been

because he's a pussy. I understand. I mean, you know, when you needed a big swing and dick, I mean, God knows it wasn't me. So, uh, yeah. Um, I think if you don't break up with this guy, you're actually fighting nature. All right. And you guys are wired to, you know, you guys aren't wired to just have kids with pussies. You know what I mean? You want a strong son, right? You don't want that pussy DNA in your kid, right? Oh, that's going to kill you. Imagine that you have a kid with this guy and you want this kid to be like, uh, like your ex-boyfriend and it comes out and it's like this fucking little wormy worm guy. Ah, it'll be awful walking down the aisle to marry this guy with that sheepish. I don't deserve you. Like, you know what? Dad, you want

this guy to be the man standing down there in a white tuxedo, like fucking Roger Moore and James Bond. I think, I think, uh, look, I don't know if this just happened and you're really upset. So, uh, you know, and like in three days, you're not going to care and you're going to go back to having a picnic with this guy. Cause for all I know, your ex who came coming back, maybe you broke up with him cause he cheated on you. Maybe he was too much of a guy, if you know what I mean. So then you said, well, all right, I'm going to maybe I'm this next time I'm dating a nice guy. So now you dated a nice guy. The thing about is sometimes you date a nice guy. They can be so nice that they're pussies. All right. And look, I'm not, I'm not sitting here acting like, you know,

if I'm out with my girl in some fucking 200 pound, 300 pound jacked fucking 25 year old comes up and starts doing shit that I'm going to start swinging because I'm not, I'm not, I'm not getting my fucking head kicked in just for the fuck of it. No, you know what I mean? I mean, it's not like just, you know, straight across the board as a guy, you have to fucking go and get your goddamn head kicked in. But this was a fucking woman. This was a lady. I mean, he's Jesus. It's that it is a weird situation in defense of him where how do you get the fucking iPhone back? You start wrestling with her. Now you're kind of fucking throwing a girl around. So you're looking at that possible assault charge because God knows

that's how the world worked works right now. Your honor, I was trying to steal a phone and this guy assaulted me and you're going to be sending it going. She was stealing a phone and they're not going to be able to get past. You're a guy and she's a girl, but you know, he should have just, he should have just held her by the back of her pants so she couldn't leave and just stayed out of reach of her swinging. That's what you do if you're in that situation as a guy. You just reached out, you grab by the back of the pants and you just start running in a circle until cops get there. So they can't swing at you. They're running backwards. I mean, I don't know what you get.

You got to fucking do something and he didn't do anything. That's the big thing that if you told, honestly, if you told me that this was some giant guy who could kick the shit out of him, I wouldn't say that the guy's a pussy. You know what I mean? I mean, what is the point of going in and getting the concussion, getting your tooth driven up through your fucking nose? The guy's still going to leave with your phone. You know, that's that old Richard Pryor bit. Macho man. I'll take that knife and stick it up your ass. Macho man. It's like, no, you're going to get the shit kicked out of you. But this was a woman. All right, Bill, for fuck's sakes, quit your goddamn rambling. Wrap it up. I think you know what you want to do

when you should do it. You are dating a pussy. The fact that when he was sober, he said that he was scared of her and of you. He seems like he's a little freckled. And I just can't imagine this is going to be a stereotype, but a guy like that actually put it on you in the bedroom. I really don't. He probably stares at you in the eye. Am I hurting you? Is everything okay? God, you're so beautiful. Oh, come on. All right, flip her over, mush your face in the pillows. Oh, she says in PS, don't worry. That cunt I used to call a friend who pushed me and took my phone is no longer in my life. Did you get your phone back? Well, what happened with you guys? Now, wait a minute. What? Can I hear the follow up here? There's so many different ways this could

be going. Was that like a girl? Like when you thought that maybe you were swinging another way and all of a sudden you broke up with her and go. Anyways, I got them into the biggest dumbest fucking fight last night with my girl, right? We had this great day, you know, everything's going great. So I stay in, I take a night off from comedy and I say, Hey, why don't we watch? Why don't we watch a movie? You know what I mean? Cap off this wonderful fucking day. Everything's going great. What could go wrong? This is like the beginning of a horror movie where they just show like the perfect family

and everything's great and people are wearing like white linen, you know, and then all of a sudden they just start showing the camera in the bushes like a POV of like Mike Myers. This is basically what happened. So 60 minutes comes on, right? Who doesn't want to watch that show and pretend they're smart? You know, I like it. So more, more at least safer comes on and you know, he smells like an old person. Some old people don't smell like old people, but he looks like he smells like an old person, you know, smells of cigars, ashtrays, you know, a couple of wars, maybe a date rape. So he's interviewing Meryl Streep. All right, the great Meryl Streep and they're going through all her old,

old frigging life and all the movies and all the different characters that she's played. Oh, first of all, they start, they start the report off with more at least safer just sitting there, right? Smelling a fucking Ben gay and whiskey, right? And he says how, you know, how over in England, you know, they, you know, I don't know, they make their, their actors, they, they award them by calling them lords and they knight them. But over here at America, all we do is just give them this shiny statue and it's just like, starts off right off the bat for some reason, just shitting on America. I don't know why. Like an Oscar is somehow beneath Sir Anthony Michael Hall, I mean, or Lord, Lord of what? Lord of what? At least you can

fucking hold our statue. You're Lord of what kingdom? That phony horseshit that you have with Prince Charles and the popper or whatever the fuck is going on over there? You know, look, if the Rothschild's knight you over there, then that fucking means something, then you can become become part of their yacht convoys, they go around the world, figuring out how to take over another currency, right? Then you're in with them. Okay, but if you're, if you're fucking, you know, Lord of this and your, your wingman is the Duke of Elton John, I mean, that's the whole thing is fucking stupid, right? So right off the bat, it's already bugging me. But I know near hates when I talk to the TV, right? So I, you know, I keep my big fucking yaps shut. And they start talking

about Merrill Street, going through the whole thing. And then the old guy there smelling of, you know, prescription meds goes, you know, whenever they talk about the roles you play, they always say, you know, you play independent minded women, very strong women. And Merrill goes, I know that's, yeah, that's what they say, you know, when a guy, they never say to a guy, oh, you're playing a strong willed character, yada, yada, yada, I let that go, whatever, no biggie, I'll take that. It's probably true. What the fuck do I know? I'm not a woman, right? But then they show her after she played Margaret Thatcher, and she's given a speech to a bunch of women's young girls, and she's trying to inspire them. And she, she takes a quote from Margaret Thatcher,

and it was something along the lines of, if you want a bunch of people to talk around, talk, stand around talking about doing something, you know, something, you got to talk to men. But if you wanted to actually get done, you got to get a woman. And then all the chicks go, woo, like flipping out, right? So I laugh and I'm like, yay, reverse sexism, right? Just seeing, you know, my whole fucking theory, how everybody is just a piece of shit. You just don't have the power to act out what the fuck you want to do. Because that, that right there, if you flip that around as a guy, if you're running for president, it's fucking over. You can't be like, let me tell you, I'll tell you what, after I get your jobs, and after I fix this economy, okay, and I'm the

man to do it, because I'll tell you right now, if you're looking for someone to stand around and talk about doing something, you get a woman, you want to get it done, you got to get a man, here are my nuts, right here on the podium, vote for me November 4th, go fuck yourself, right? You did that, your presidential campaign's over. She does it, it's fucking adorable, and it's just as fucking ignorant. You know what I mean? What the fuck do you get off saying that we stand around and do nothing, Meryl Streep, huh? Or quoting Margaret, and you too, Margaret Thatcher. Let me tell you, you bitch is something, all right? We faked a fucking lunar landing. Okay, you think that's just talking? Anybody can land on the fucking moon, that's easy, but to pretend

you did it, all right? And get everybody to shut the fuck up about it, that, that, that right there, that takes skill. So whatever, so I make that little comment, and that I just go, that, that, that, that, I suddenly fucking porky pig. So, so I make that comment, and like, you know, I've been with Nia long enough that I can tell by the side of her face when she's just thinking about like, what if I just grabbed everything I really cared about and walked out of this house right now? She got like that fucking mad at me, you know? And I'm like, she's just like, right after the story was over, she just shut the fucking thing off. And I know what happened, next thing, you know, I'm walking to 711 to get some ice cream. I've not even what happened.

It was all going great. You know, am I the asshole there? What am I supposed to just fucking sit there with my mouth hanging open with drool coming out when I watch TV? If somebody says something douchey, I'm not supposed to say it. Whatever, whatever. So I just finally just said, you know what, fuck this, I take the dog out, I go around the block. What do I do? I call all of my guy friends, right? They're all backing me up. I'm not saying who I called. I don't name names, right? And they're all laughing their ass off. And they 100% agree with me, which is all I'm looking for at this point. I just want people to say that I'm right. I don't want to learn anything from this experience. Just tell me I was right. So I can be an ignorant ass again.

I don't know, why don't you guys weigh in on that? Am I a dick for saying that? Should I just let that one go? You know, you know what she said that fucking drove me up the wall? She goes, why are you she didn't say intimidated? She's one of those words. Why are you threatened by what she said? It's like, I'm not threatened. Oh, Jesus Christ. Then I take the bait, you know, it just sends me right over there like threatened about what? Oh my God, this person that I don't know who has never called me nor will ever call me who has no effect on my life. How do you get threatened by that? I'm just calling it for the bullshit that it is. Because you know what? This is what fucking drives me nuts. I can't

stand when somebody tells me that their shit sandwich tastes worse than my shit sandwich. Okay, go fuck yourself. At what point am I supposed to have empathy as I'm sitting here eating a shit sandwich and you're telling me how much worse yours is? Yours is. You know, at the end of the fucking day, you know what I mean? Sure, mine might be on, you know, a better slice of bread, which I guess would make it taste a little bit better. But at the end of the fucking day, right? The end of the fucking day. All right, I'm going to end up in a FEMA camp with you. Okay, you think when the next fucking psycho comes along, I'm going to make the cut? What the fuck do I, what do I bring to the world? Huh? Exactly. I'm gonna be standing right next to

you. So go fuck yourself. Just fucking woman. Every time she sneezes, they give her another goddamn award. She's still bitching. Still fucking bitching. You know, it's, I remember when I did this Oscar nominated part. Oh, go fuck yourself with your wigs. The whole thing just, you know, that's what fucking pisses me off when I watch this shit. If you really want to know my perspective is from where I come from, I can't bitch about shit because everybody's like, oh, go fuck yourself. You hit the lottery, right? But I got to sit here and listen to you, bitch, even if you're fucking killing it, even if you're killing it, you know, yelled school of drama, and he stepped on the ball. Go fuck yourself with your goddamn yachts.

All right, there you go. That felt good. It's probably ignorant. But whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One more, please. I am your possession, and you are a part of this. That's just where we go now. Can I come along? What you want to want to want to really, really, really, really, really, really, really insane, insane mom. I told my boys I made that up. Let's take your mind and live your life. I never do what I do now. I never do what I do. Don't need a place to dig to go. Don't let a place let me go. Red is the color of the sun with my eyes closed. I can still taste you.

Well, I will again.