Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-11-21

Episode Date: February 12, 2021

Bill rambles about the vaccine, hockey, and landing on a helipad.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's dot com. Look at me as a fucking test patient because I know I know what to do this people out there

ain't getting there ain't getting there fucking there ain't getting there fucking dead. Then I got other friends of mine going dude they could shoot that thing in my balls I don't give a fuck I just want to get back to my life and then you got people in the middle you know they're now like and then I like dude you can shoot at my nuts there's they're they're the people right you know those people right they act like they're in the group but they're not they're really just in for themselves the kind of fucking people at the plane crashed you know and we all got to sit here and figure out how we're going to survive and everybody has a rationed amount of food that person that you'd catch

at night taking more than their share right drinking baby formula out for themselves. I think there's going to just there's another skate you got everybody thinks that right now there's just Biden people and Trump people okay but there's other there's there's another group of people they just they're just out for themselves okay they don't align they they they are the me party meaning myself and I think what they're going to do is they're going to be like okay I want I believe in wearing masks all right and I believe this virus is real and I believe that it's gone around the world because I still think the world is round do flat earthers think this virus went across the world

so anyways these people I think they're going to sit there and be like listen I know this thing's a bad fucking deal but I don't want to get this fucking vaccine because I don't trust the government so what I'm going to do is I'm going to let everybody else get it okay and then it'll die out and that I don't have to get it because it won't be around anymore because no one's going to happen as long as I don't have it then that's what I'm going to do and then here's a fucking sci-fi fucking scenario what say what if what if you're right and then everybody who gets the vaccine fucking dies and then there's just this group of people

the me people who don't get the vaccine and now you have to try and all get together and rebuild this thing knowing that you're all selfish cunts and the only thing that you can breed with is another selfish cunt and that your kid as much as you're going to love them is going to be a selfish cunt squared you guys are all going to gather together right form a new selfish cunt tribe and then one day you're going to see this light at the top of a hill right and you guys all start walking towards it what is that somebody lit a fire what is that and you fucking go all the way up the hill and you realize it's the biggest fucking

compound mansion you've ever seen in your life and you're hearing music there's a pool the size of a fucking lake everybody's inside singing and dancing and all that and all the fucking me squared cunts walk into that house and come face to face with the people that created the vaccine and the fucking music comes off the Illuminati people get up off that virgin robot they just built they face all of these selfish cunts and they go to war and the thing about it is is the Illuminati will win because they are

an organized group where if you the wait no they're selfish cunts too I don't know anyway sorry I'm having a weird week I'm having a great week and then you know I'm also having a bad week because uh you know I don't know I don't because of social media took out yet another friend of mine and I just don't know I don't know it seems like now you can literally make a statement that is uninformed it's just unbelievable it's it's unreal I mean just fucking I don't get it you know I don't agree with what I read but I mean do I think that then you should just everybody gets the electric chair there's just

no like hey you know uh you might want to read up on this a little bit more before you compare this to that you know it's just like flamethrower lit done fucking crazy man fucking crazy crazy goddamn times um anyway um as I just get a text you watching this impeachment stuff why would I watch that that's like watching the nfl draft of politics if they impeach the guy or not they're gonna give you the results what are you sitting there watching getting like angry I had like the greatest fucking week um I really uh I I have gone back to therapy and there's two ways you can do therapy you can go in there and you can just blabber on and whine about your fucking life or if you get a good therapist you can listen to the information they give you and then go out in

the world and try and apply it which is uh I used to be the first person now I've become the second person and um I had you know I sat down you know I just dealt with a couple of things this week this week and uh I feel a lot better and I feel a lot less angry which is uh it's it's gonna pay dividends um with my home life so I don't know I don't mean to be all billy feels here man but uh I feel a lot better I feel you know I kind of feel like why did it take me 30 years to undo 20 years of bullshit um but I guess that's that's how it is that's how it is so I haven't been doing shit other than that trying to work on myself and um what did I do I don't know sorry guys I'm like there's a number of fucking things that's just really bothering me right now about just

this whole lionizing of like regular fucking people is like these saints and it's just like everybody's a human being everybody makes mistakes everybody is flawed and uh I just don't understand this just fucking I don't know I don't want to even talk about this shit because it's not worth it man don't fucking talk about what are you gonna do I mean what what the fuck anyways hey let's talk hockey everybody hey anybody watch that Bruins Rangers game last night Jesus Christ the Rangers look fucking great I they've no team this year has jumped on the Bruins the way the Rangers did last night and I don't know how many posts and crossbars they fucking hit

but there was a period during that game it sounded like somebody was there was a fucking wind chime or something going on but uh the Bruins as always just took a Ross was just unfucking believable he's the only reason why the game wasn't like five to one after two periods we went down one nothing and then Chris Wagner had a fucking shorty our power play kill is fucking incredible we got another shorthanded goal made it one one right another shorthanded goal this season I mean so we made it one one then we went up two to one um with Debrusk with the Sanderson to Bobby Orfield from behind the net uh to Bjorke right Andres Bjorke to make it two one then the Rangers came back which was not surprising the way that

they were playing like I said they played great and um made it two two we went into overtime and uh Rangers came down Charlie Mack back on defense they tried a little saucer pass didn't put enough mustard on it Charlie knocked it down midair nice fucking pass off the boards to a streaking Brad Marchand who once again once again gets the winner in overtime his 16th career overtime he's won so many games in overtime he doesn't even go nuts he's just like yeah this is what I do this is just what I do I end the game he almost ended the game like a minute before completely undressed this defenseman if the goalie didn't oh I think the defenseman jumped in the way of the puck an amazing game but I'm really interested to see this next game Friday

against the Rangers because I want to see if that was just an inspired effort or if that's how they are if that's how they are um I would say that the the Rangers and the Capitals so far this season are good like it's looking like they're going to be the biggest problems in um for us in the playoffs but I don't know who else I haven't been watching a lot of the Canada hockey I watched some highlights today of uh the Maple Leafs beat the Habs of course I'm happy about that but the fucking Canadians look great but just the way we're just sort of quarantined now where we're just sort of playing everybody's playing sort of the same six or eight teams um um I haven't really looked at the standings but somebody's got to be in like a soft division

and it's going to have pumped up numbers and then I think somebody else is going to be in a harder one you're not going to think they're that good because of their record and uh it'll all be sorted out in the playoffs but uh I've been loving that I've been loving the watching the Bruins as much as I've been struggling watching the Celtics on that west coast swing they had where they beat the Warriors lost to the Kings beat the Clippers then lost back to back Sons and uh to Utah so I think that what did they go like uh was it one and oh one and one two and one two and two and three they went two and three holy shit Utah Jazz before the game they were like yeah these guys uh these guys are great at shooting three pointers

right Jalen Rose went out the first three possessions of Celtics he hit three three pointers had nine points and I was like all right here we go and then Utah I don't know just the whole game they were up like six eight points and then we started to close it then they got up by like 10 and we started coming back and then with like four minutes less left this kid Donovan Mitchell just took over the fucking game and there was nothing we could do about it and he put us out of our misery quickly um yeah I also liked that Rudy Gobert guy uh Jordan Clarkson it was another guy it was fun to watch it wasn't fun that they were killing my own fucking team that kid Devin Booker was fun to watch two and the Sons but Jesus

Christ um I don't know we shall see we shall see um where that ends up going but uh I already had a good day man as far as like I took my daughter to school and uh she's like dad I want to listen to the song right so I downloaded that song by 38 special uh Hold on Loosely bandwank gg gg gg gg right fun song to play on guitar and um I've been playing it you know a couple days in a row so now she likes it and she actually said 38 special today and then after I played it she said ac dc she goes ac dc what that means because she knows it's letters like she thinks it spells a word and uh I was like it means they're the greatest rock and roll band of all time in my opinion

so she listened to Hold on Loosely and Back in Black which I think is great because when she rides with my my wife she gets a totally different playlist so I think she's gonna have a nice well rounded uh music background and um and then she said something that was uh really made me feel great like she uh I think she kind of has a crush on one of the little boys and she's like I just love him because he's a boy and he can he can speak French like you know somebody else in the class or something like that and then she then the greatest thing ever she goes and he's nice like my mommy and daddy and I was like oh my god because you always hear that that you know if your daughter as a father you how much you have to be there for your daughter

because if you're an asshole she's gonna go date asshole so so far so good she's four years old and she likes a nice kid because he's nice like her mommy and daddy and I told my wife that and we were just like we high five like all right you know we're in the first quarter um oh god that's scary 18 divide by four let's see goes in there four with two left over so like four and a half four and a half almost through the first quarter I've raised in my kid already that's how fast it goes holy shit yeah four and a half years old because at nine you're at halftime right 18 they graduate high school and then go off to college and uh Jesus that's gotta be just did I give the person all the information they need

you know what I always thought about with stuff like that is when I got my pilot's license I always wanted to ask an instructor like you know when they sign you off to solo it's like you know the level of of confidence they have to have in you because they they don't want that on their record they obviously don't want to see you kill yourself or yourself and somebody else speaking of which um I soloed the uh Cabri G2 for the first time um it was a low visibility day so I didn't go fly out I just stayed at the airport I just flew the pattern which is basically like a big rectangle um all right you guys want a little aviation shit so like when you take off you know clear for take off uh runway eight right close traffic means you would take off

runway eight and those are also degrees on the compass is why runways have numbers and then taxiways have letters letters if you go to an airport right so that's and that's the heading you're flying you're flying towards like zero eight which would be basically north slightly northeast you're flying that heading and then right close traffic which means you fly out and then you make a right turn it's your crosswind turn and then your downwind turn is you're going now parallel to the runway you just took off from going the opposite direction then you turn base and then you turn final so you can just fly that pattern right and as you're doing it at any point the tower could then say make left traffic the winds could change they

could tell you to go the other way all of that shit so you just stay there it was like four miles visibility and I was like literally right there at the airport so um I wasn't worried about that aspect of it it's like now I have to land on um a helipad I have a little four-wheeler that tows the the helicopter out so the first my first lift lift off and and off the pad and landing on it when I was with my instructor all you're doing is looking at the four-wheeler going don't hit that do not hit that whatever you do don't hit it it's like Greg Brady trying to beat Marsha gotta beat Marsha gotta get closer than a quarter of an inch and he fucking knocks the egg off the fucking orange cone for a 50 year old reference there um but what you really want to do is you want to look beyond

you just want to look long and just try to hold a hover and then gradually set down or lift up and um so anyway I did the pattern for about 35 minutes and um had to go pick up my kid at school so I uh on the next one I was just did my radio call and asked for a full stop so then they tell you you know and then they give you the taxi way to exit you know cleared for land one two exit delta right so I do that and then I'm just sitting there and my instructor was in a helicopter that was like still on the ground behind me they hadn't even started it up yet and uh it was pretty cool he filmed me coming in and landing on the pad and I knew he was watching too so all my years of doing stand-up and having big industry people watching me or you know doing Dave Letterman or the Apollo

or any of those high-pressure gigs taping a special I was like okay go to that headspace and I was just like all right just chill look long and I went in and uh I set it down nice little bit like harder than I wanted to but I was just kind of like I'm still getting used to where the skids are because the thing sits lower than what I used to fly so I always feel like okay why am I not touching the ground so then um it came down ended up being really nice and I was fucking over the moon I was so excited and um yeah so now I think I'm going to start picking up my instrument training again because now I got my skill level back up to where it needs to be because I didn't fly a lot during the beginning of the pandemic because everybody was shut down

and everything and I'm super like always making sure it looks like I will literally do 50 fucking auto rotations before I'll go out and solo better safe than sorry all right so here's some here's some stuff here um Comedy Central is going to be airing the Patrice O'Neill documentary on February 19th okay that's the debut now I'm very excited about this but I got information that on the 19th they're going to be showing like that's like an edited version of it they're taking out 14 minutes because they want to show an episode of the office after it okay it's a business I get it there's commercials there's all of this type of stuff so just letting you know that you're going to be seeing an abridged version of it um the the real version I guess the

next time they show it will show the complete version of it so um I'm a little bummed out because it's the debut and I'm a little confused as to why it's going down like that but I also understand that it is a business and there's all of this competition and streaming and all of that and they just they got to do what they got to do whatever so um but they are going to air the complete version of it Comedy Central is and thank god for them because they are going to show this so I'm very happy to be in business with them but business is still business so I'm just letting you know what's up but I'm very excited Mike Von Figlio absolutely killed it um and then all Patrice's friends you know Norton, Voss, Kev, Keith, Colin Quinn, the whole all of his peeps are in it

it's going to be great and I hope you guys enjoyed I hope you tune in and watch it and you tell people that have never heard of Patrice O'Neill to uh sit down and watch it I would really really appreciate it I'm telling you guys I need you on this one all right this is an all things comedy produced um documentary um Comedy Central and Vaughn, Von De Carlo uh Patrice's girlfriend put it together and then they came to us to produce it and then Mike Von Figlio signed on and once we got him to sign on the whole thing went through you know Patrice's mom Georgia's in it I mean this is this one is is the real deal the people closest to him are in this thing I know there's been some other people fans have put some things together but this one goes deeper than all

of that thank god and I hope we did the big man justice all right that is all let me read some um um let me read some uh uh advertising here oh look who it is oh max oh max how could you uh living with chronic pain is the worst it's more than a feeling um I was actually saying that to the 38th special it's more than a feeling sorry uh of discomfort it can affect your whole life many of my listeners probably have some type of pain that has prevented them from relaxing and sleeping or stopped them from exercising perhaps it's been going on for a few weeks now and hasn't improved with any of the treatments they've tried uh enter okay podcast host to provide experience of recent pain uh I've actually been feeling pretty good because I've been using omax

my my last little rotator cuff that was fucking bugging me I put it on it on my back of my shoulder blade it's been feeling great so I don't have any I don't have any pain right now other than watching the Celtics lose two in a row um enter omax health if you're looking to get rid of nagging muscle and joint pain immediately while providing long lasting recovery then you need to try the natural breakthrough pain relief solution cryo freeze cbd roll on I love that it's a roll on developed by omax health omax what did you do this time this non-prescription triple action pain relief roll-ons is specially formulated to block pain receptors reduce inflammation and improve muscle and joint flexibility the best part is this 100 natural cbd powered remedy works

its magic within 10 minutes of application and relief lasts up to eight hours much longer than the over-the-counter products oh max health is offering my listeners 20 off a bottle of cryo cbd pain relief roll on it you got to do this shit man if you got pain in your hands all that stuff a buddy of mine you know road motorcycles for a long time and his hands from you know I don't know doing whatever the fuck you do shifting and all that just bugged him and he he slapped it on there and he feels great um oh max you shouldn't have omax health is offering might already set apart this discount only applies towards products toward okay this discount also not only this discount also applies towards any product site

wide just go to omax health dot com today and enter burr enter the code burr that that is omax omax health dot com and enter burr to get 20 off cryo freeze site wide now doesn't that feel like that should be the end of the read for some reason they keep going they oversell it anyone from athletes to grandma josey can benefit from we got it it's fucking great i'm an old fuck it worked on me all right stitch fix everybody stitch fix um online shopping can be daunting look at all the options uh you can never know you never know if things will fit do i look bad in this returns are difficult who do i call and you don't even know what's what's store to start with this season this season let's stitch

fix to uh do all the hard work i think this is leftover holiday this season what the oh fuck it's valentine's they haven't got my wife shit i think i need to get on stitch fix um as the days get longer and the weather gets colder it may be time to take a look at your winter wardrobe if you want to make a change this season stitch fix can help you choose new pieces you love oh they're talking about the winter season if you're if you're go to outfit in 2020 has become sweatshirts or yoga pants you may be feeling like you're in a style rut let stitch fix help you feel excited about what you're wearing uh did you just look over your current cold weather wardrobe options and get it chill it is time to ditch that old sweater and upgrade that jacket a

stitch fits personal stylists can help you pick new pieces that are timeless stitch is there such a thing as this timeless ski pocket um stitch fix offers clothing hand selected by expert stylists for your unique size style and budget every piece is chosen for your fit and your life and it's the easy solution to finding what makes you look and feel your best try on pieces at home before you buy keep your favorite and send best send back the rest stitch fix has free shipping easy returns and exchanges and a prepaid return envelope is included uh there's no subscription required try stitch fix once or set up automatic deliveries you'll pay just $20 a $20 styling fee for each box which gets credited towards pieces you keep and there's no hidden fees ever stitch fix has styles

including to fit any occasion for women men and kids they ship all over the u.s and available in the uk as well get started today at stitchfix.com slash mmp and you'll get 25 off when you keep everything in your fix that stitchfix.com slash mmp for 25 off when you keep everything in your fix stitchfix.com slash mmp all right there we go and as always during these cold winter months all right don't forget to get some of uh tim herb alexander his hot cider um it's the perfect fucking drink herb cider dot com during these cold winter months i know you guys are getting crushed by the snow back there imagine okay you're done shoveling you're coming into your little hot stove there and you got a little bit of herb cider there you know a nice

fucking oh man that makes me want to go skiing that's my favorite thing about skiing other than skiing back in the day when i did it before i realized i was gonna blow up both my fucking knees um or bend my thumb backs to my wrist um was that beer yeah remember you always thought you had one more running you and then you just fell down the fucking hill your fucking legs were like spaghetti um my favorite thing was you'd go in and then you just get the fuck that fucking ice cold beer you know your face all red they always had some big fire going on in the middle and of course you never could find a place to fucking sit and there was also a bunch of rich cunts in there but other than that you know it was fun you know um you could do that in your house all right crank up your

gas fucking fireplace and have a little bit of herb cider at herb cider dot com h-e-r-b-s-c-i-d-e-r dot com um all righty all right what else did i want to talk about how much more time do i got left here on the podcast before i have to get back to nine million other things um that i have to do um oh you know what i actually had a social distance uh thing yesterday that i went to i went i was like three other comedians that i've known since way back in the day it's fucking hilarious we're all sitting like i don't know do you watch the uh the nba thing now where they got shack is like fucking 9 000 feet away and then there's the white dude and then the chick and then the other guy they're all just like i don't know where's charles barkley been lately

i haven't seen him on that thing i don't know wait a minute let me look up Jesus Christ you can't even keep up the people that get in trouble now charles barkley let's see what comes up come on charles hang in there buddy all right nothing but his stats and wikipedia okay the man's still in the game whoo who's fucking hilarious i guess shack went off i saw this really fucking hilarious interview where he was interviewing that kid donovan michael on the utah jazz and he's just like donovan this is shack and he's like hey shack what's up he's like i don't think you have what it takes to go to the next level and he's like okay what do you think about that he's like hey whatever man you know and then you know he has this big game against the celtics and then shack took credit

he's like you're welcome i've always motivated people and then somebody posts the stats going like he's been playing like this all year now i love shack i hope he's not becoming a grumpy old man hating on the young players you know who knows i don't know what but i don't know shit about the nba but i just thought it was funny he's like my whole career i have been a motivator and a leader um by insulting people and saying that they suck um so they'll prove me wrong i understand that though that is the power what is that reverse psychology maybe that's what it is maybe that's a two-point reversal um i don't know anyway that is the thursday afternoon podcast i don't know what to say here just listen to the music and then we have another bonus half

hour of material from a uh bonus half hour episode from a thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast from um i don't know a few years ago i think that's how we do it the great andrew femmless picks out the music so uh look him up follow him on twitter and uh he'll get back to you if you like the music and know you know i don't know what it is all right that's it have a great weekend you cunts and i will talk to you later go bro and go celtics go fuck yourself oh i can hear the angel sing songs that all the angels sing she's such a pretty thing i can feel my heart just jumping and skipping when i'm kissing never

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast from monday february 11th 2013 um how are you how's it going how's your week going so far you know i just looked across my room and i saw an object that reminded me of one of my many failures this week i was in a rush to leave my house and uh i was taking my truck because i was finally going to get the brakes done i bought a kit to switch my fucking um i got drum brakes on my old truck and as much as i wanted to keep the truck as original as possible just the way people text and drive out here and there's so many people i just know that if i ever hit somebody with the front end of that beautiful truck that you know i'm never going to be able to replace the part so

i'm like i gotta do this shit all right so uh christopher titus very talented christopher titus uh he's into all of that shit so he tells me go out and go buy a kit we'll drive it over to my place and we'll fucking slap this thing on it's gonna take no more than four hours bing bang boom everything's fucking done right so i'm all excited i bought this kit by the way in july of last year and it's just been sitting in my office i've been using it like just you know put my legs up on it because um because life goes by that fast when you're as old as i am next week yeah next week next week next you know you've you fucking had the thing for like six months so finally we set a date well like all right let's fucking let's do it was it wednesday we were gonna do it and uh you know i'm fucking

nervous i don't know what i'm doing so anyways i gotta move the Prius out of the way so i moved that out of the fucking way and i got the hazard lights on you know because it's the day where the cunts come around they give people parking tickets so i bring the truck up right i got the fucking choke out bring it up the fucking thing right and in my haste bringing the fucking car back i i left the hazard lights on so after we were done with the job i came home and my fucking the fucking car was dead and i'm like no big deal i know how to jump start this fucking hybrid i know how to do it i watched the triple a guy do it i went out and i bought one of those self-contained battery pack fucking things open the hood cute little hood that it is i opened the little battery

pack i took the little red thing off and i can't fucking figure out how to clip it on i tried to clip it on the bolt rather than that metal tab it didn't matter anyways because my thing wasn't fucking charged and i had to call triple a to have my car jumped do you realize the level of of like how i'm masculating that is have somebody come over you know have somebody teach you how to convert your brakes okay that that's understandable all right that's that's some next level shit right it's a fucking jumper cables obviously oh it's the worst when the guy showed up i should have come out of the house and address um just defeated fucking man but i i bit the bullet i was like yeah i can't figure out how to do it and he explained it my thing didn't work anyways

and now i can't find the cord to charge the fucking thing so there there it sits there it sits actually i just kind of slammed that whole thing together reality is is it took us two and a half days to get the fucking brakes on because uh the back plates that you stick the rotors on one's mark left the other one's mark right and we put them on we know the difference between left and right and Titus kept going is it me or does it look like it's kind of like torquing in like it's bent what the you know and i'm looking at it like i know what's going on what's going on uh you know it looks pretty good to me right you know put the fucking things on it's rubbing if you turn too far to the left or the right you know the calipers are gonna hit

their springs the fucking brake lines weren't long enough the whole goddamn kit so finally we get these people on the phone i'm not gonna say who they were but i would finally get them on the phone and they were like oh yeah we had a batch of them went out and uh they weren't labeled right and i gotta tell you something Titus in one of the most eloquent fucking ass rippings you've ever seen in your life never raised his voice never cursed i think he said one f bomb but it was a throwaway because he was like you know i've been i've been fucking here for three days like one of those things not saying you're a fucking asshole but other than that never cursed and he just basically went right down the line like it so you knew these

were labeled wrong and he didn't call anybody this this is a safety issue and the guy at first would not admit any wrongdoing to the point it was hilarious he wouldn't admit any wrongdoing at one point i swear to god he goes well did you look at the picture now in defense of them the picture was right but the picture was like the size of maybe three postage stamps and it was in black and white and it was very confusing because you couldn't quite see it but you kind of could but it was written clear as day left and right so what are you gonna go with what i can barely see or what i can clearly read that's what we went with and uh oh my god and then we finally got that out of him and then we fucking switched him and then it worked like a dream but the great thing was

was trying to figure it out we put him on and take took him off like i think at least three times so i kind of got three like um it's almost like i did three three break jobs i got like that level of experience and i gotta tell you it was it was the fucking coolest thing ever to finally do something like that to see how it all goes together it was absolutely uh fascinating and um and um i don't know titus is the shit because he would not he could have just slapped it on and be like go take it to your mechanic i don't know what the fuck's going on he was determined to get this thing on correctly and he did and when he found out it was messed up he went to bat for me and he so eloquently reamed these guys that they actually gave me a credit on the kit

so it didn't cost me a fucking dime how great is that and then we said oh you guys are all right now we're gonna send him some dvds and it's all a wash so i finally that was was so three two and a half days of that fucking shit and then i finally dude i went to auto zone like fucking nine times and every time i came into auto zone i was a little more tired and a little more dirty nothing i was thinking how enjoyable it would have been had the whole thing gone together i would probably want to learn nearly as much but just uh you know like when you watch those youtube videos like eric the car guy and he's just fucking it's just this goes here and this goes here you take that off put this on and put this thing back on and just it just goes so fucking

smoothly and uh that was not the case on this thing but when we finally got it all together um it was tremendous and i'm i'm psyched now but there's not much of a sentimental fool i am i'm keeping the old drum brakes and i bought the tools to be able to put it back together just because i don't want to leave it i want to learn how to do it and i also don't want to just leave all the springs and shit laying around in the garage you know kicking them around and shit you know how long can you really leave that shit around before something fucking happens and then you lose it forever so there you go how'd you like that that was my uh fixing the brake story so i now have i now have uh uh uh disc brakes and i put one of the rotors on with the caliper

and all of that and uh i was beyond uh beyond psyched although it does have a friend it does help to have a friend who's basically a master fucking mechanic who has all the goddamn tools uh who's getting who i should have been over there with a fucking nurses outfit on i was just handing them shit but whatever i got dirty um so anyways i i have no idea what is uh going on in the world right now because uh for some reason i've decided to do like tent do-it-yourself fucking projects and uh i'm painting my living room so i and i don't know it's a it's a mother fucker it's a pain in the ass it's easy but it's a pain in the ass and i had to tape everything up and i haven't watched tv for like the last two days so i know it's snowed in boston uh that

blizzard what the fuck are they calling it nokia nardia what the hell is it here nemo nemo nemo blizzard nemo i guess they're gonna name uh snow storms now you know i don't even need to get into that enough comedians have made fun of how much they overhyped these things this looks like it was actually a decent amount of snow but in the end even if you have like you know fucking let's say there's three feet of snow you know i mean what is what is that up to let's say two feet of snow two feet of snow is that even up to your knees if you're an average size adult like what is gonna you can go 30 days i think i've said this before in the podcast you can go 30 fucking days without food maybe more than that the big thing is water all right snow

right there the nice fucking handful of cold water stick in your mouth just relax let it melt you're gonna be fine you're not gonna die some guy on youtube made this hilarious video of just screaming i have to get uh i have to get bread and milk i think it's already got two million hits it's it's the funniest fucking thing why do you have to get bread and milk i don't i i guess if i was old i would be nervous but only if if like you know if the heat went out then that's the only way i would be nervous rather than that it's just fucking snow you're gonna get the day off you can go sledding build a snowman just put on a fucking scarf you pussies it's easy for me to say right i'm out here in fucking

los angeles i gotta tell you though you know it's been a while since i've been in snow and i saw some of the pictures my my buddy sent me this going look what the fuck i'm dealing with and that actually looked awesome to me you know snow's fun to visit but you don't want to live in it when it first comes down it's beautiful and then once it starts being dirty and all that fucking shit you just get tired there's less parking spots everybody down in southeast shoveling out their cars putting a fucking trash barrel there some yuppie doesn't know the rules pulls in his little fucking pujo and he never sees it again um at least that's how i heard it works there uh this is the monday morning podcast uh what am i gonna do here well you know what else i missed today i

didn't realize the Bruins i know that that their game against tappa bae got cancelled and i didn't realize that they played uh the buffalo sabers which has become a big rivalry and i know a lot of you guys don't like hockey especially the douche who had to write me on twitter to let me know that he tried to watch hockey hockey didn't enjoy it and literally wrote yawn fucking cunt you know i just said you know if you it's a great sport watch Bruins Montreal if you want to try to get into do i really need your fucking like do you think the nhl get well maybe they give a fuck maybe they want your money you know write them why are you writing me like i'm the goddamn commissioner anyways why do i read them i don't know why i read i should just not

read them um so anyways people hate fucking the sabers they hate luke each because he ran over their goalie last year and hurt the guy granted it was a douche move but you know he was frustrated he had a breakout he couldn't settle down the puck and old fucking old big eyes came out of the net came out a little too far you know when he ran him over you're right you're right to be mad at him but can you please stop asking why luke each won't fight john scott why do you get john scott is like six eight two seventy he's a fucking goon he can barely skate why why would you have an all-star fight that guy risk getting hurt and then sit in the box that's why he's not fighting him there's no way ownership is going to let that guy fight all right and all luke each is is a fucking million

dollar piece of meat to the ownership you know what i mean so they're not going to have him go out there and go fight that big fucking sasquatch he shouldn't even go out there and skates he should just walk out there with like work boots on i don't know he probably can play they don't allow him to but i hate when people say that shit they pick like the best guy in your team and they're like yeah he's too much of a pussy to fight our toothless moron yeah that that's a good switch off that's a good trade-off let's have one of our best guys sit down for five minutes and all you lose is some fucking goddamn gorilla i get it buffalo you're upset okay you want to see luke each get pounded i understand i you're probably logic is well fucking what about saucer ice there

he wasn't exactly a tough target um maybe deserves it i don't know i feel bad for people in buffalo you know i mean that's just that's i've been there as a sports fan fortunately they let me up off the mat over the last 10 years you know i'm rooting for you guys you know i know what people say to you i know exactly what the fuck i dealt with that bucky den 1918 all that fucking horseshit the fucking curse with the canadiens back when they dominated us 25 fucking years ago whatever the hell it was unless you're dan shaughnessy every time we lose to him he starts the curse is back noodle-headed cunt um i know what you're going through i know people say wide right they say bread hull they say uh why do you play sports why don't you just stick to make an appetizer

you already came up with buffalo wings is there something else you guys can come up with that we can enjoy eating while we watch our teams win championships i realize they say holy cunty shit and it eats away at you after a while it's awful you know i i don't i don't have any animosity towards any fans who go through shit like that haven't gone through it myself i only wish it on uh you know who i wish it on i don't need to get into that shit anymore um hey i take a kobe stop passing the ball you guys are losing again huh did you figure it out laker fans or did you just figured out a new way to compliment kobe brian unbelievable do you know like last week out here kobe for like three games in a row actually

passed the ball for the first time in his career he actually was passing the ball on a regular basis and i know a lot of people are gonna say because they wrote to me that he's got 5 000 career assists mugsy boges has over 6 000 in like three less seasons okay the motherfucker's not passing the ball everybody who plays with them is not lying they're not making up shit all right the guy finally passes the ball and plays the team game fucking the lakers night and day all of a sudden they're this this this team that's winning and the laker fans think oh oh that was the problem kobe was the fucking problem no they immediately dropped to their knees and blow them again it's a new facet to escape they started calling them magic brian kobe johnson i just i

i've never seen i just don't understand i'm not seeing the guy individually once again this is the paint manic thing all over again individually phenomenal it's not even that's not even paint man i can't even bring him up oh christ i'm rambling let's do uh can you tell i got a zillion fucking things in my mind this this podcast is more fucking retarded than usual all right anyways plowing ahead here let's uh what's today the 11th oh my god valentine's day is only three days away what are you gonna do how many guys out there are actually sitting around and you haven't you haven't uh you haven't stepped up yet you don't know what you're gonna do you want it you want to step in the right direction pro flowers dot com all right impress your friends her friends

are gonna ask you so what did you get her for valentine's day what did you get her and you be like a big bouquet of flowers or a big bouquet however the hell you say it impress your woman and her friends it's probably even more important to impress her friends send her flowers from pro flowers yeah get her the best kind with the biggest damn vase shut all her friends up and she'll be happy for a couple of days right uh one dozen romantic rainbow roses and a free glass vase from my friends at pro flowers dot com for just 1999 20 bucks 20 bucks you're already getting kisses and for my listeners double the roses for just 999 more uh you just need my code burr b u r r when you order um what the hell is this please use this time to tell your listeners

about your personal experience how did the flowers look how did they smell how did your recipients oh okay i got this i guess i was supposed to read that before um you know what last year they said some to my mother and she loved them called me up left me a great message and i saved it for six months that's how happy she was that's how wonderful the messages the message she was that she left you understand what i'm saying here people you can't go around and only cost you 20 bucks here's the only way to get this amazing valentine's day deal you call 1 800 pro flowers and mention burr b u r r or go to the pro flowers dot com or go to pro flowers dot com click on the mic click on the microphone in the top right hand corner and type in burr

b u r r that's pro flowers dot com click on the microphone and type in burr b u r r order today and um and get on with your wonderful day hey ladies you know what's to stop you this year from get your your guy oh man you should do that get him four dozen roses just embarrass the hell out of him send it down to the job site uh pro flowers dot com do it today all right the next one here let's get through this here what do we got what do we got um oh here we go stamps dot com everybody if you never want to go to the post office again but you want to be able to do everything that you can do within the post office all you have to do is just sign up at stamps dot com stamps dot com everything you do at the post office you can do right from your desk buy and print us postage

for any letter or package using your own computer and printer stamps dot com will send you a digital scale calculates the exact amount of postage you need for any class of mail then just hand your mail to the mailman drop it in the mailbox or even schedule a free package pickup using stamps dot com you'll never have to deal with bad weather again to send out letters and packages i use stamps dot com to send out all my dvds to my road gigs i've never had a problem i weigh it i get the figure it prints it out i slap it on i go to the gig and the magically they're there right now use my last name burr burr for this special offer no risk trial plus a hundred ten dollar bonus offer includes the digital scale and up to fifty five dollars in free postage don't wait go to stamps

dot com click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burr burr that stamps dot com enter burr burr all righty moving on yeah so i missed the game yeah i missed the game today and i i saw cambell jump that guy in the savers he got he uh he didn't come out too well in that one i love another guy in the same was like looking the ref like i don't want to fight all right what does what does um all right enough with the sports talk okay i need to appease the ladies and the nerds out there oh here's one for you um this weekend i actually took a night off from stand-up comedy and i went out to uh indio california i can't even remember the name of the casino i saw don rickles i had to do it man i i was like i always see these guys

underrated going to a casino and seeing a legend he was amazing and tony orlando tie a yellow ribbon he destroyed in front of him i didn't realize how many hits that guy had you know i went with bart neck and we were and i was just going like i think this guy's gonna open with tie a yellow ribbon he's gonna close with it and he's gonna uh he's gonna play it again in the middle and he came right out of the gate tie a yellow ribbon and in my world i'm like this guy's out of hit he's out of hits then all of a sudden he goes into the next song like wait a minute i know this song knock three times on the ceiling if you want me twice on the pipe right everybody going nuts then he had another hit after that i'm like god damn this guy's got a

lot of hits then he got into a drum battle this drummer i'd have to give the nod to tony and then rickles comes out it was just amazing just seeing an icon you know tuxedo the whole old school thing guy opened up for sanatra underrated going to go into a casino to see a legend this is what i realized uh this is a very blanket statement but i'm i'm sort of the king of this legends play casinos hacks go to cruise ships is that bad i'm just saying you know they give you a certain amount of time to make it in this business and if you don't they just they just put you out to see you know and that's not 100% true there's some there's some good guys doing uh but you but you know what i'm fucking talking

about i told you the story i did a cruise ship one time i worked with like a juggler and uh and the guy hosting it i swear to god was like a real life guy smiley that was that story i told you why well they told me it was going to be a young crowd because i was like i don't think my ex going to work on a cruise ship this is like 10 11 years ago they're like no no no it's this young this young with a young hip cruise liner thing right so i show up it's a bunch of old people and the guy smiley guy goes out there this is how old they were he went out and he opens with if you're happy and you know it clapped your hands and they did it and at that point i was like oh my god i am gonna fucking eat my balls and i did it wasn't easy because we were rolling

over the waves it's kind of tricky to get that second ball in my mouth but i did seven minutes into my set fucking munched them both captain wrote a letter to the agency oh god why didn't i ever get a copy of that said i was offensive to uh all races the handicapped i forget what else he said i don't know nothing i said was as was as offensive as the fucking food they were serving on that goddamn boat oh my god you never saw so many fat fucks in your life i swear to god if one of those cruise ships ever goes down you know has there ever been like an obese shark they eat whales too you know what fat people must be for sharks just because they don't you know we're not part of their diet we just sort of accidentally like we got to be like remember those big pink snowballs

those mushroom they had mushrooms in the middle and then they had i don't know what the fuck was i never had the balls to eat one the only reason why is because it was marshmallow i always thought marshmallow was disgusting like remember fluff peanut butter and fluff another that toxic horseshit i actually grew up right at the tail end of of just feeding kids absolute poison like now they feed poison but it's sort of disguised you have no idea because they'll write oh packed with protein or you know nutritious shit you know there's somehow they'll put put like those words in there they try and camouflage it but back then it was just straight up like you know it was just poison fluff another the fuck is that i don't know it's a bunch of white

shit with a bunch of sugar in you mix it up with peanut butter all right well let's shut him up um all right what am i talking oh yeah we're talking about fat people going overboard any fat listeners you're going on a cruise and just think like wow if this goes oh well wait a minute would you float more if you're fat the big thing is you'd have to relax but the problem is is like you know if you're wearing like a fat person like uh like wetsuit you know you just covering yourself all up when you're laying on your back in the ocean you know the water that's been absorbed in your bathing suit is going to be coming down in your face so you're going to sort of be like waterboarding yourself you know so maybe you got to roll over on your stomach

no but then the rolls in your neck are kind of holding your face in the water it's it's a rough deal um is there ever been a fat navy seal i don't i don't think they has all right i'm sorry i'm sorry people i this is why i do these monday morning when the brain is fresh i'm just attacking fucking people who can't defend themselves or stop eating um all right here's something for you oh this is just choppy as hell i i gotta recommend something uh somebody recommended to me told me to go see uh that david roll documentary on sound city you can actually go to his website i wish i had that up there just look up david roll sound city you can download it for 12 bucks and it's worth every goddamn penny it's about this studio uh sound city

well basically i would say maybe 40 percent it seemed of every fucking awesome album you've ever downloaded or ever wanted to get over the last 40 years was made um in this studio and uh david roll actually bought the soundboard when it was going out of business he bought the soundboard so that kind of starts it off and when you watch it this isn't really a spoiler alert the whole time they're interviewing him he's sitting in this old school van and i was sitting there going is that a one of those old ford vans the original like the the uh eco liner is that how you say it the early 60s i hate how like pedophiles ruin vans you know what i mean i don't know if it was pedophiles or date rapists but like vans in the in the 60s if you look at them they're not that bad they're

actually kind of adorable i'll bring a picture up there like you know the ford eco liner look like a big big fucking eyes looks like it needed some sleep you know and they were so tiny and you could just see it you you couldn't do anything in them people could just see you could see almost right through the fucking thing um in the 70s they became creepy that's when they they started you know putting carpet on the floors and the ceiling of them and they had these crazy sort of acid murals on the side of them guys with hairy chests and mustaches started driving them around and just saw them somewhere it just became the big jizz mobile you know and the skanks liked them i wish i was around when vans were cool you know actually i was when i was a kid i used to think

custom vans were the shit now i used to think why don't my parents have a custom van remember that when you wanted your parents to be cool why can't he get a corvette oh i don't know because you there's fucking six kids what the hell am i going to stick you that's when you know your dad's fucking around and your mom comes home with a two-seater fuck the family i'm going out tonight um all right bill how do you tell a girl she sucks in bed oh jeez uh hey bill how do you tell a girl she sucks in bed without hurting her feelings or making her embarrassed is it okay to give pointers in the bedroom or would you make or would it make that make me look like a dick help me out bill go fuck yourself um all right the first half there's no way to tell a girl she

sucks in bed there's no way for a woman to tell a guy he sucks in bed without hurting the feelings all right let's be politically correct there's no way for a guy to tell another guy if they live in an alternative lifestyle 2013 no one wants to hear that um well this is what i would do you can't just make somebody good in bed the potential has to be there there has to be a certain god-given talent you know what i mean i mean some women they they reach for your package like they're they're grabbing something out of the cupboard you know what i mean there's just no it's you know what's funny about women being bad in bed is there's not a lot of um there's not a lot of stories i think guys not knowing what they're doing is is pretty well

documented and guilty is charged guilty is charged you know but um it's it's definitely a two-way street what i would do is if you feel she has potential uh rather than give her pointers like hey listen you're doing a great job in there is a couple thing like make some halftime adjustments maybe you could do that like stop halfway through fucking you know have her run into the bathroom and as you run in somebody interviews you you know well you know the first half hour is pretty good there's definitely some things we could do better uh you know my balls are kind of lonely and uh you know she's kind of you know she doesn't have a good rhythm we're gonna try to work on our rhythm in the uh second half all right yeah go fuck yourself you know runs

back in um i would suggest rather than okay definitely don't tell if she sucks do not give pointers i would uh the keyword here is guiding guiding and um informative moaning i would say would be the uh the most user-friendly way to protect this girl's feelings it that's what you have to do um i need more information do you feel she's aware how does she suck in bed like i said is she grabbing your dick like she's you know reaching into a mailbox to see what the fuck's in there or is she just shy you got to help me out here i don't i don't know um you know that that's what i would do i would i would guide her and by guide her i don't mean

pushing her head down it guiding no forcing none of that type of stuff and uh and then what you got to be simon cowell is um don't give her any um sympathetic moans once she starts picking up that you the moans you know you know don't give her any sympathy once if it ain't doing it for you don't give her a yeah no don't do that just dead silence okay she has to know it she it's it's not working i don't have to tell you dude i know i told this story before i hooked up with this girl one time and we were having sex doggie style and you know when i come forward you're supposed to back in you know like we're clapping uh with crotches is that a uh was that a fucking isn't that one of those dances with wolves names

clapping with crotches sorry hacky joke um yeah no what she was doing when i went back she went back when i went forward she went forward so i was in her but there was no friction so i was starting to have a performance problem before i ever so gently put one hand on her hip and the other on the back of her neck and just sort of stopped her went back and then pulled her but it still didn't work it was like not only did she not know how to do it she was i think almost as tall as i was you know so doggie style you know they gotta have a kind of like you know you can get a little too high there you know without getting too graphic so i was already dealing with that you know um i don't know beautiful girl though

all right um unexpected pregnancy oh Jesus these are rough this week unexpected pregnancy bill absolutely love the podcast and the stand-up you like a skinny louis ck or conversely louis ck is like a fat bill but i really wish i didn't read that uh anyway not sure now i get dragged into it um and i'm not exactly skinny anymore that's been happening i've been enjoying the high life lately miller um anyway to business i'm a 24 year old guy from sydney australia who's run up against a big problem last november i lost a well-paying job due to an anxiety disorder i've developed over the years i've sought out treatment been through therapy had all sorts of diets and breathing exercises and although recently it's

been much more manageable it's unfortunate it unfortunately wasn't enough to hold onto my high pressured job you know what dude it was probably the job granted i have no medical background whatsoever but i really don't you know when you have to like eat a cum quad and start going just so you can fucking go to work hello oh neah how are you sorry just saw the door open um the lovely neah everybody are you busy okay um oh okay all righty i'll see you okay um yeah dude when you have to fucking do shit like that just to go to work it's probably the job and considering you developed it over the years let me guess was it as you got this

fucking high-pressure job i don't know so anyways i'm currently i'm looking for a more low-key job anyways three days after i'm let go i get a call from a friend i'd had drunken unprotected sex with the only reason why i went back to our house was that our house was within walking distance from the pub we share a bed and nature takes its course oh my god it was a core it was of course a risk and like any idiot male i just assumed nothing would happen turns out i'm going to be a dad come august after a mere one sexual indiscretion i've known this woman for over three years she's successful smart witty and we get on really well oh we get on really well uh she is sorry there was a big space in a new paragraph i'm not that dumb people please please people still believe

in me um she's been up up until now childless and you can understand her reasonings for wanting to keep the spawn she expects me to play an active role in the parenting game and to be honest that's something i am wholeheartedly prepared to do that's so fucked up they'd like make the decision i mean because it is their body they have to go through the procedure but it's just really you're really just uh you just a fucking jizz hose that's really all we are uh we were both was irresponsible we should both have to pick up the pieces and work shit out here's the problem she wants me to move in with her fuck that fuck that before i read any more of this fuck that anyways in fact she's demanded i moved in with her uh double fuck that she's making demands

go fuck yourself all right i wish you did that earlier i wouldn't have been in this situation um i can't help thinking that this arrangement would descend very quickly into mutual resentment and unhappiness and would eventually be a detrimental environment for the kid apps of fucking lootley i'd live with friends in the past and if a dirty kitchen can cause irritation i don't know how shitting drooling a shitting drooling screaming baby will fly under the radar i want to move somewhere close by so i can share their parenting duties but i don't see how moving in is a better solution she is also asking for financial support to the tune of half which the shit i've spelt out above surely makes this impossible

um she's tipped deep in an already blossomed career and i'm doing my best to stay away from the dull or as americans say welfare uh so i'm asking advice on two things how do i really how do i relay my moving in doubts to a hormonal pregnant woman without hurting her feelings or making her feel like she has to go go at it alone and how can i spell it out to her that i won't be able to be there for the baby financially in the way she wants jesus christ dude what else and how do you fucking jump to the moon by the way when she told me about the pregnancy and oh jesus arrived fully formed in my mouth go fuck yourself cunt um you just have to have an adult conversation with her

just be like look who's kidding who we're not in love with one another you're not my soulmate i'm not your soulmate but we're both adults and we did this so we have to take responsibility okay um i would still like to meet my soulmate and i imagine you would too and we're not going to be able to do that if we're if we're basically pretending to be a couple which we're not we're not okay just look at the baby like we both we it's like a timeshare condo sorry um no just tell you you're you're not going to move in i'm not moving in with you i'm going to support you 100 with the baby 100 but i'm not moving in and when she says why just be like because i'm not in love with you we're not we're not getting married we we screwed up and

now we're doing the right thing but um yeah i'm not moving in and what's she going to do grab you by the throat make you move in no fuck this and the fact that she's making these demands she wants half of your money well this is the deal dude you knocked a girl up and now you got a fucking you got a kid coming so you got to go make some money all right and you do have to support the kid um this is one of these fucked up things if she's got a great career why does she need half of your salary you know what i mean if you had a great career she wouldn't even fucking work why don't you say this all right how about this why don't i be mr mom i'll stay home with the kid and you go out and work and you support me i'll wear a fucking apron have at it lady

go put on your nancy reagan power suit and fucking have at it yeah dude look what what do you i know you got the double whammy here i this is i wouldn't i wouldn't do a double header here although the conversation might go in that direction but i would definitely not tell her that i'm i'm moving in with her there's there's no fucking way there's no way that that's happening all right there's no way that that's happening um because i'm not in love with you and let her hem let her haul let her cry let her scream let her throw shit let her do whatever the fuck she wants to do um you're not moving in with her sir all right don't do it don't go to bed with the brass on your head no don't do it um sorry boretta don't fucking do it

all right and then as far as like uh uh you know supporting your kid you got to do it you got to give her the money you can't have that this kid is in an unbelievably unfortunate situation you have to make the best of it and you guys have to be friends and that's another reason for not moving in you know what are you gonna sleep in the same bed like you're married like you love each other you can't fucking do it so um i don't know but as far as the money thing yeah you got to go out and start making some money and if you have to sleep on a fucking futon or whatever believe me that's going to be better than having you know some 18 year old kid someday who uh had a shit childhood

because of you and then you got to deal with that and then try and put the pieces together when you're on your fucking death bed you don't want to do that either but uh as far as moving in fuck that move close by and uh that's it it's not up for discussion okay and she can make all the fucking demands she wants to demands fucking dope you made a you she made a mistake too the fuck she'd make it demands out of you for furthermore why the fuck you why why you worried about it all right she can't force you to move in so fuck her all all right with the condom next time sir all right legal zoom.com everybody legal zoom.com are you waiting for the perfect time to start your dream business it's now

legal zoom the official sponsor of the national start your business month wants you to get it started right you got to protect yourself everybody so whether you're setting up an LLC an escort a sole proprietorship or a non-profit legal zoom takes care of you from start to finish um their award-winning service was developed by the best legal minds in the country and every business gets personalized attention that's why over 90 percent of legal zoom customers would recommend the service to their family you'll be in good company over two dozen companies on the ink 500 lists were started through legal zoom these guys got the credits here or what uh it's national start your business month so start your business right

now at legal zoom.com um legal zoom is not a law firm and provides self-help services at your specific direction so if you have questions ask them and they will answer them um but there's so much more now every LLC and incorporation package includes easy to use business accounting software a $269 value for absolutely free be sure to enter burr burr in the referral box at checkout start your business protect your family and safeguard your assets at legal zoom.com today um is that it is that it for the i think that's it for the ad stuff here's something i saw i was trying to get something to talk about on the podcast here um so i looked up the drudge report because i always hear this is like something that people look at and they were talking about

newt newt gingrich's ex-wife on loads on camera network debates the ethics of airing what she said about her former husband before the south carolina primary okay and you guys know like when i talk about hockey and you have no idea what i'm talking about this this is my version of it south carolina primary for what what is newt gingrich running for mayor of south carolina or senator is that what it'd be i don't pay attention to this shit um so anyways i guess his his marlene gingrich has said she could end her ex-husband's career with a single interview oh hell half no fury just take the fucking alimony what did he oh didn't he didn't he do something wasn't she sick in the hospital and he kind of tagged somebody else why do you think he could get away with it with that giant head

of his um anyways earlier this week she sat before abc news cameras she spoke to abc news reporter brian ross for two hours and her explosive revelations are set to rock the trial what trial i don't fucking know it's just another ex-wife just going absolutely what why would you do that aren't you biting the hand that feeds as much as you hate this guy and he was probably a piece of shit to you i mean you're really going to affect his ability if he doesn't win that political office how can he pay for your Mercedes with all that fucking hush money all the bribe money he's going to get you know how how how are you going to afford to get your hair and nails did every fucking two weeks you know if he doesn't have a job where he gets to look the other way

is people pour shit in the water supply for god's sakes woman have you thought this through i don't fucking know all right what are we doing here is that is that all the advertising i gotta make sure i didn't miss any of the fucking advertising they always end up flipping out at me oh you're really supposed to read it you didn't read it you know what's going on with that couldn't you read it earlier i think that was it all right that was it for the other than the amazon stuff and i say that every week so you know what where am i in the podcast right now 46 fucking minutes in look at me wheezing across the fucking finish line this week you know what i actually had a great week really built well it hasn't translated into a great

podcast you unfunny cunt all right i know i know it's been a little lackluster little fucking lackluster um dear billiam i know this is last minute i didn't even tell you guys why i had a great week i went out i did a bunch of stand-up and this was like four things that i've been working on meticulously crafting in front of tourists down at the comedy store store and uh i suddenly i figured out a through line we're at all connected i give you that shit when people say you know you don't know how to write a script just start writing a bunch of themes just write little vignettes and then somehow they all stick together which never fucking works um that's like you're trying to build a house just start hammering shit

um but it actually worked out with the stand-up thing i have a nice through line i have a new chunk of shit that i've strung together like some cheesy thing with a bunch of beads that's some native person that was supplanted through genocide is now sitting on the fucking curb out now what is it honolulu is that what i saw them um supplanted is that a word relocated valentine's day advice billy boy dearest billiam i know this is last minute i had a question about valentine's day i am a single guy in my mid 20s rejoice dude i'm going to tell you right now if you're a single guy in your mid 20s and you live in america and you're living on your own please drop to your knees and and thank whatever god you pray to every day because you're never going

to be freer in your life i know you probably got student loans and blah blah blah the stress and all that bullshit fuck that okay you're never going to be freer in your life go get three years supplies of condoms okay and bang away my friend maybe you don't need to do it for three years maybe you're one of those guys for only three weeks but you need to get it out of your system all right he says i never really had a girlfriend for whatever reason oh jesus christ all right we're going the whole other other way truth be told my friends could name numerous reasons why i don't have a girlfriend but that's an entirely different issue well jesus christ there's a fucking can of worms they couldn't you don't seem defensive or argumentative so i don't know if it's an anger

issue ah look i'm so i'm so sick of trying to be fucking handle the lecture here trying to guess what your shoes look like with the way with the way you write you know all right i'm just gonna read the rest of this shit uh as of right now i am currently sleeping with three girls off oh so you're fucking you're knocking it out i thought you'd like never had a girlfriend like and you'd like never banged anybody all right my fault all right dude go fuck yourself you're a guy in your mid 20s and you're fucking three girls right now and i'm this you need advice keep doing what you're doing um yeah anyways depending on what day of the week it is and how much i've drank okay that depends on how many girls he's banging uh i've never lied to anything any of any of them about

where our relationship is going and although they never met each other each of them has an idea that i'm seeing other girls it's kind of a don't ask don't tell policy um yeah dude and i you gotta come with that you know you can open with that you know what are you doing i'm dating i'm playing the field how many people you date right now a couple of people kind of seeing just having a good time well i don't do stuff like that well there's the door sweetheart then they'll respect like that the honesty of that some won't some will actually have self esteem and walked out but a lot of them they'll hang around eventually they're tired their neck gets weak and they'll fall right in your fucking dick um birthdays and christmas are always a piece of

cake because all that requires a quick text or a phone call or at the very most drinks at the bar but valentine's day is tricky our dates consist of bar hopping and drunk sex so flowers in a nice dinner would completely send the wrong message dude you selfish cunt are you asking me how to keep banging these three chicks while getting through valentine's day why don't you just look at the valentine's day like that's your pussy getting all star break just take three days off the day before the day after in the day of just say uh what are you doing for valentine's day i'm uh i'm gonna be uh jesus where are you gonna be i don't know i don't have a good one for that one all right you know what i just put myself in your shoes and i understand your problem now

you said i got to do a little bit of trouble last year one of the girls texted me and said you know every girl likes flowers on valentine's day he said i knew my response couldn't be yeah but if i get you flowers then i have to get flowers for all the other girls so i just pushed out and responded yeah well oh dude you shouldn't respond at all you know every girl likes to get flowers on valentine's day isn't that funny and that has nothing to do with most likely her having any sort of feelings towards you it's just the bitch next to her in the other cubicle probably got some you know or the girl in there fucking whatever the fuck you want to call it

some guy broke my balls this week was fucking hilarious he was trotching we say come off as a pompous ass because i always talk about anybody who doesn't do comedy works in a cubicle you know and for some reason he decided to take that seriously and tell me that he actually works at the un and travels all around the world if that's actually true sir how why don't you just get on with doing that you work at the un and you travel all over the world why would you give a fuck what some absolute jackass is saying on a fucking podcast how insecure are you your insecurity is probably a great thing because that's probably the thing that drove you to be at the un where you travel all around the world you know what sir good for you that's awesome i hope working at the un

and traveling all around the world fills you up some point where it fills you up high enough where you don't have to respond to a silly joke on some dumbass podcast i travel all around the world um you know what that's actually a great fucking job do you feel like you get anything done you know do you sit there wearing that headpiece next to that guy who's wearing the water buffalo hat doing that shit and you're sitting there trying to talk to him about how you can sell your rich crackers to their country is that what you're doing when you're traveling all around the world i travel all around the world

i can just see you on the plane with your fucking dress socks on you have a dash cunt oh just sitting there what movies am i going to watch on this flight as i travel all around the world um anyways you know something sir you had you had the james bond job and then you fucking you played yourself i don't know why you did that why would you fucking that's like me responding to people on twitter why would i do it i should pretend like i have better things to do um anyways i want to keep seeing all these girls back to this guy but this but at the same time i don't want any broken hearts on valentine's day oh dude you know what go i don't understand what is your problem here dude are you like a gemini it's like you're this

fucking lady killer then also you're kind of like you know you want to hurt anybody should i get her some jam jams i can't i want to talk to the fucking un guy what the hell was going on here again valentine's day i got a little trouble last year well listen you're anticipating trouble didn't you learn anything from last year you know every girl likes flowers on valentine's day um what would i write back i know what my response would be the second i read that if it was just some girl i was banging and then they wrote that i would get this awful feeling in my stomach and i would i would read it and as i got that awful feeling i'd go

i'd make that noise you know that thing like when you're just banging a girl and then all of a sudden she just fucking makes that comment you know you think she's on the same page as you when she just makes that comment you know i was thinking about you today you just feel that feeling in your stomach oh yeah well uh don't that's the fucking worst uh you gotta be one and done but one and done is scary you just gotta be honest i don't know if some girls what would i say you know every girl likes flowers on valentine's day um what would i text back yeah you know that's what i heard you know what i don't you know what i shouldn't give you shit i don't have a good response to that well maybe someday you'll

meet a guy who wants to give you some you want to get drunk and fuck um yeah i got nothing and you can't ignore it you know what i would have done i would have ignored the text and i would have called her but a good three hours later three four hours three hours later that's a good one you call her you ignore that text and you call and she goes hello and you're like hey what's going on what are you doing tonight i got no plans valentine's day what are you doing and you just start it with that and then she well what are you at it yeah and she'll be seen if you're gonna take it in some romantic you know direction and you don't you just keep it in the fuck buddy i figure we go down to meet hammers whatever the fuck we go down to uh take it in the face have a couple pictures of beer

and uh see what happens dude you know what you're you're it seems to me you're not just fucking these girls you're actually having like these mini relationships with them you know the the key to having a fuck buddy is is the time between fucking them and i don't give a shit how much a woman says that she can handle it most of them can't most of them can't if you're fucking coming over there and you and just eventually they're gonna get feelings they're more i don't know if they're more mature or if it's a defect it's just i just respect the fact that that's how they're wired so you if you have a fuck buddy okay let's let's just do the math okay now now february is a very short month here so let's just say right out of the gate you fuck

are on february 2nd all right you shouldn't come around again till at least the 17th and but grant you fuck and you leave f and l you fuck them and then you leave you don't banger on the second you banger on the second and then you banger on the 7th you're in a fucking relationship in their world you know unless you literally the second you have an orgasm as you're coming you're scooping up your clothes and you walk out like half naked then you're just bizarre which is another good way to keep them at bay and why don't i just read the rest of this and see what it what his question is here he says i want to keep seeing all these girls but at the same time i don't want to break i don't want any broken hearts on valentine's day

yeah you want to keep fucking all of them no dude what you have to have you have to have a revolving door you have to have a stable of women if you're gonna live this life or you have to give in the fucking rubbing one out all right but you can't be a relationship guy with three different women because you are going to end up hurting them so what you have to constantly be doing you got to be like a college coach all right every year you lose some top prospects but you're out there recruiting okay so you so you maintain but it's never ending it's fucking exhausting but if that's the game you want to play that's what you have to do so that girl who says you know every girl likes flowers on valentine's day right there you put

on waivers okay for a for a fucking piece of ass to be named later you got you got to get rid of her okay and you got to look go back and analyze what the fuck you did wrong that she felt it was okay for her to text you because you fucked up that right there shows that you fucked up that she felt that she could send that to you if you think you're just fuck buddies all right so anyways he continues he says I know that like it or not this shit is important to women if I take one girl out I'm playing favorites and setting a bad precedent plus if she does that check in shit on Facebook I'm completely fucked yeah dude you're doing dirtbag shit if you're a single guy and something could happen that fucks you on Facebook you're you're leading these girls on

anyways he says if I take none of them out or do nothing I have three irritable ladies on my hand dude are you gonna marry any of them no well then let them go why don't you have the balls to do that you know when a team halfway through the season just realized dude we ain't winning this shit just pull a fucking marlins just get rid of everybody and then your fan bases your dick and they're gonna be he's gonna be pissed for a while but then you build it back up again build it back up again you know I don't know look dude if you want to be in a fucking relationship you know there's other ways about going about than doing this but you're trying to have your cake and eat it

dude you got three women right now you're banging three different women where's your confidence you know what you're doing all right dump two keep one at bay and then get two more then dump the other one and get the other one just you don't even dump them you just phase them out phase them out but the new recruits that you get in you got to be straight up honest with them you know unless you actually feel feelings if you're feeling no feelings you know don't keep coming back fucking them unless you know you get that 15 day you fuck them on the second you fuck them on the 17th then you're into march and then banger on like the 11th

all right and even then they can't catch feelings doing that but before you know it you know that's like 14 15 days out of the year taken up where you where you got to bang somebody this is such this is this is really should be eye-opening to women that I'm actually saying this is really uh this is really awful not I'm speaking this out loud he says in a perfect world I'll take all of them out at once and have the force and I've been chasing after my entire life but we don't always get what we want any advice from the lovely Nia would be much appreciated as well love the podcast go fuck yourself uh yeah she probably wouldn't have been as understanding as I was even though I gave you a lot of shit

um anyways that's the podcast for this week everybody um I don't I don't have anything I'm fucking tapped out tapped out I spent fucking three days under a truck not really doing anything just watching Titus do the whole fucking thing um anyways thanks to Christopher Titus for uh helping me with the brakes of my truck thanks everybody who's been continuing to download my special which is uh tremendous and uh if you want to help out somebody or just check out something great please check out Sound City the new Dave Grohl documentary I cannot recommend it highly enough it's 12 bucks off his website money well spent and when that fucker comes out on DVD I'm gonna buy it I like having the gold behind my money I

don't like downloading shit and then just you know then it's just on this thing and then this thing dies and then that thing fucking crashes and then I don't have it anymore you know what I mean I don't like that shit all right I'm rambling go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week and uh oh I know why there's nothing to talk about football is over fucking over back you