Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-11-21
00:00with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside.Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small butmighty.The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slipinto something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petiteto plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson orshop online anytime at Sarila's dot com.Look at me as a fucking test patient because I know I know what to do this people out there
01:02ain't getting there ain't getting there fucking there ain't getting there fucking dead.Then I got other friends of mine going dude they could shoot that thing in my balls Idon't give a fuck I just want to get back to my life and then you got people in themiddle you know they're now like and then I like dude you can shoot at my nuts there'sthey're they're the people right you know those people right they act like they'rein the group but they're not they're really just in for themselves the kind of fuckingpeople at the plane crashed you know and we all got to sit here and figure out how we'regoing to survive and everybody has a rationed amount of food that person that you'd catch
01:42at night taking more than their share right drinking baby formula out for themselves.I think there's going to just there's another skate you got everybody thinks that rightnow there's just Biden people and Trump people okay but there's other there's there's anothergroup of people they just they're just out for themselves okay they don't align theythey they are the me party meaning myself and I think what they're going to do is they'regoing to be like okay I want I believe in wearing masks all right and I believe thisvirus is real and I believe that it's gone around the world because I still think the world is rounddo flat earthers think this virus went across the world
02:39so anyways these people I think they're going to sit there and be like listenI know this thing's a bad fucking deal but I don't want to get this fucking vaccine because Idon't trust the government so what I'm going to do is I'm going to let everybody else get itokay and then it'll die out and that I don't have to get it because it won't be around anymorebecause no one's going to happen as long as I don't have it then that's what I'm going to doand then here's a fucking sci-fi fucking scenariowhat say what if what if you're rightand then everybody who gets the vaccine fucking dies and then there's just this group of people
03:25the me people who don't get the vaccine and now you have to try and all get togetherand rebuild this thing knowing that you're all selfish cunts and the only thing that you canbreed with is another selfish cunt and that your kid as much as you're going to love themis going to be a selfish cunt squaredyou guys are all going to gather together right form a new selfish cunt tribeand then one day you're going to see this light at the top of a hill right and you guys all startwalking towards it what is that somebody lit a fire what is that and you fucking goall the way up the hill and you realize it's the biggest fucking
04:18compound mansion you've ever seen in your life and you're hearing musicthere's a pool the size of a fucking lake everybody's inside singing and dancing and all thatand all the fucking me squared cunts walk into that house and come face to facewith the people that created the vaccineand the fucking music comes offthe Illuminati people get up off that virgin robot they just builtthey face all of these selfish cuntsand they go to war and the thing about it is is the Illuminati will win because they are
05:13an organized group where if you the wait no they're selfish cunts tooI don't knowanyway sorry I'm having a weird week I'm having a great week and thenyou know I'm also having a bad week because uh you know I don't know I don't because of socialmedia took out yet another friend of mine and I just don't know I don't know it seems like nowyou can literally make a statement that is uninformed it's just unbelievableit's it's unreal I mean just fucking I don't get it you know I don't agree with what I readbut I mean do I think that then you should just everybody gets the electric chair there's just
06:05no like hey you know uh you might want to read up on this a little bit more before you comparethis to that you know it's just like flamethrower lit done fucking crazy man fucking crazy crazygoddamn times um anyway um as I just get a text you watching this impeachment stuff why would Iwatch that that's like watching the nfl draft of politics if they impeach the guy or not they'regonna give you the results what are you sitting there watching getting like angry I had like thegreatest fucking week um I really uh I I have gone back to therapy and there's two ways youcan do therapy you can go in there and you can just blabber on and whine about your fucking lifeor if you get a good therapist you can listen to the information they give you and then go out in
07:10the world and try and apply it which is uh I used to be the first person now I've become the secondperson and um I had you know I sat down you know I just dealt with a couple of things this weekthis week and uh I feel a lot better and I feel a lot less angry which is uh it's it's gonna paydividends um with my home life so I don't know I don't mean to be all billy feels here man but uhI feel a lot better I feel you know I kind of feel like why did it take me 30 years to undo 20 yearsof bullshit um but I guess that's that's how it is that's how it is so I haven't been doingshit other than that trying to work on myself and um what did I do I don't know sorry guys I'mlike there's a number of fucking things that's just really bothering me right now about just
08:15this whole lionizing of like regularfucking people is like these saints and it's just like everybody's a human being everybodymakes mistakes everybody is flawed and uh I just don't understand this just fuckingI don't know I don't want to even talk about this shit because it's not worth it man don'tfucking talk about what are you gonna do I mean what what the fuck anyways hey let's talk hockeyeverybody hey anybody watch that Bruins Rangers game last nightJesus Christ the Rangers look fucking great I they've no team this year has jumped on the Bruinsthe way the Rangers did last night and I don't know how many posts and crossbars they fucking hit
08:59but there was a period during that game it sounded like somebody was there was afucking wind chime or something going on but uh the Bruins as always just took a Ross was justunfucking believable he's the only reason why the game wasn't like five to one after two periodswe went down one nothing and then Chris Wagner had a fucking shorty our power play kill isfucking incredible we got another shorthanded goal made it one one right another shorthandedgoal this season I mean so we made it one one then we went up two to oneum with Debrusk with the Sanderson to Bobby Orfield from behind the net uh to Bjorke rightAndres Bjorke to make it two one then the Rangers came back which was not surprising the way that
09:51they were playing like I said they played great and um made it two two we went into overtimeand uh Rangers came down Charlie Mack back on defense they tried a little saucer pass didn'tput enough mustard on it Charlie knocked it down midair nice fucking pass off the boardsto a streaking Brad Marchand who once again once again gets the winner in overtime his 16th careerovertime he's won so many games in overtime he doesn't even go nuts he's just like yeah thisis what I do this is just what I do I end the game he almost ended the game like a minute beforecompletely undressed this defenseman if the goalie didn't oh I think the defenseman jumped inthe way of the puck an amazing game but I'm really interested to see this next game Friday
10:43against the Rangers because I want to see if that was just an inspired effort or if that'show they are if that's how they are um I would say that the the Rangers and the Capitalsso far this season are good like it's looking like they're going to be the biggest problems in umfor us in the playoffs but I don't know who else I haven't been watching a lot of the Canada hockeyI watched some highlights today of uh the Maple Leafs beat the Habs of course I'm happy about thatbut the fucking Canadians look great but just the way we're just sort of quarantined now wherewe're just sort of playing everybody's playing sort of the same six or eight teams umum I haven't really looked at the standings but somebody's got to be in like a soft division
11:31and it's going to have pumped up numbers and then I think somebody else is going to be in a harderone you're not going to think they're that good because of their record and uh it'll all be sortedout in the playoffs but uh I've been loving that I've been loving the watching the Bruins as muchas I've been struggling watching the Celtics on that west coast swing they had where theybeat the Warriors lost to the Kings beat the Clippers then lost back to back Sonsand uh to Utah so I think that what did they go like uh was it one and oh one and onetwo and one two and two and three they went two and three holy shit Utah Jazz before the gamethey were like yeah these guys uh these guys are great at shooting three pointers
12:17right Jalen Rose went out the first three possessions of Celtics he hit three threepointers had nine points and I was like all right here we go and then Utah I don't knowjust the whole game they were up like six eight points and then we started to close itthen they got up by like 10 and we started coming back and then with like four minutesless left this kid Donovan Mitchell just took over the fucking game and there was nothing wecould do about it and he put us out of our misery quickly um yeah I also liked that RudyGobert guy uh Jordan Clarkson it was another guy it was fun to watch it wasn't fun that theywere killing my own fucking team that kid Devin Booker was fun to watch two and the Sons but Jesus
13:00Christ um I don't know we shall see we shall see um where that ends up going but uh I already hada good day man as far as like I took my daughter to school and uh she's like dad I want to listento the song right so I downloaded that song by 38 special uh Hold on Looselybandwank gg gg gg gg right fun song to play on guitar and umI've been playing it you know a couple days in a row so now she likes it and sheactually said 38 special today and then after I played it she said ac dcshe goes ac dc what that means because she knows it's letters like she thinks it spells a wordand uh I was like it means they're the greatest rock and roll band of all time in my opinion
13:58so she listened to Hold on Loosely and Back in Black which I think is great because when she rideswith my my wife she gets a totally different playlist so I think she's gonna have a nice wellrounded uh music background and um and then she said something that was uh really made me feel greatlike she uh I think she kind of has a crush on one of the little boys and she's like I justlove him because he's a boy and he can he can speak French like you know somebody else in theclass or something like that and then she then the greatest thing ever she goes and he's nicelike my mommy and daddy and I was like oh my god because you always hear that that you knowif your daughter as a father you how much you have to be there for your daughter
14:55because if you're an asshole she's gonna go date asshole so so far so goodshe's four years old and she likes a nice kid because he's nice like her mommy and daddy andI told my wife that and we were just like we high five like all right you know we're in the firstquarter um oh god that's scary 18 divide by four let's see goes in there fourwith two left over so like four and a half four and a half almost through the first quarterI've raised in my kid already that's how fast it goes holy shit yeah four and a half years oldbecause at nine you're at halftime right 18 they graduate high school and then go off to collegeand uh Jesus that's gotta be just did I give the person all the information they need
16:00you know what I always thought about with stuff like that is when I got my pilot's license Ialways wanted to ask an instructor like you know when they sign you off to solo it's likeyou know the level of of confidence they have to have in you because they they don't want that ontheir record they obviously don't want to see you kill yourself or yourself and somebody elsespeaking of which um I soloed the uh Cabri G2 for the first time um it was a low visibility day soI didn't go fly out I just stayed at the airport I just flew the pattern which is basically likea big rectangle um all right you guys want a little aviation shit so like when you take offyou know clear for take off uh runway eight right close traffic means you would take off
16:52runway eight and those are also degrees on the compass is why runways have numbers and thentaxiways have letters letters if you go to an airport right so that's and that's the headingyou're flying you're flying towards like zero eight which would be basically north slightlynortheast you're flying that heading and then right close traffic which means you fly outand then you make a right turn it's your crosswind turn and then your downwind turnis you're going now parallel to the runway you just took off from going the opposite directionthen you turn base and then you turn final so you can just fly that pattern right and as you'redoing it at any point the tower could then say make left traffic the winds could change they
17:42could tell you to go the other way all of that shit so you just stay there it was like four milesvisibility and I was like literally right there at the airport so um I wasn't worried about thataspect of it it's like now I have to land on um a helipad I have a little four-wheeler that tows thethe helicopter out so the first my first lift lift off and and off the pad and landing on it when Iwas with my instructor all you're doing is looking at the four-wheeler going don't hit that do nothit that whatever you do don't hit it it's like Greg Brady trying to beat Marsha gotta beat Marshagotta get closer than a quarter of an inch and he fucking knocks the egg off the fucking orange conefor a 50 year old reference there um but what you really want to do is you want to look beyond
18:27you just want to look long and just try to hold a hover and then gradually set down or lift upand um so anyway I did the pattern for about 35 minutes and um had to go pick up my kid at schoolso I uh on the next one I was just did my radio call and asked for a full stop so then they tellyou you know and then they give you the taxi way to exit you know cleared for land one two exit deltaright so I do that and then I'm just sitting there and my instructor was in a helicopter that waslike still on the ground behind me they hadn't even started it up yet and uh it was pretty cool hefilmed me coming in and landing on the pad and I knew he was watching too so all my years of doingstand-up and having big industry people watching me or you know doing Dave Letterman or the Apollo
19:23or any of those high-pressure gigs taping a special I was like okay go to that headspaceand I was just like all right just chill look long and I went in and uh I set it down nice little bitlike harder than I wanted to but I was just kind of like I'm still getting used to where the skids arebecause the thing sits lower than what I used to fly so I always feel like okaywhy am I not touching the ground so then um it came down ended up being really niceand I was fucking over the moon I was so excited and um yeah so now I think I'm going to start pickingup my instrument training again because now I got my skill level back up to where it needs to bebecause I didn't fly a lot during the beginning of the pandemic because everybody was shut down
20:10and everything and I'm super like always making sure it looks like I will literally do 50 fuckingauto rotations before I'll go out and solo better safe than sorry all right so here's some here'ssome stuff here um Comedy Central is going to be airing the Patrice O'Neill documentaryon February 19th okay that's the debut now I'm very excited about this but I got informationthat on the 19th they're going to be showing like that's like an edited version of itthey're taking out 14 minutes because they want to show an episode of the office after itokay it's a business I get it there's commercials there's all of this type of stuff so just lettingyou know that you're going to be seeing an abridged version of it um the the real version I guess the
21:07next time they show it will show the complete version of it so um I'm a little bummed outbecause it's the debut and I'm a little confused as to why it's going down like that but I alsounderstand that it is a business and there's all of this competition and streaming and all of thatand they just they got to do what they got to do whatever so um but they are going to air the completeversion of it Comedy Central is and thank god for them because they are going to show this soI'm very happy to be in business with them but business is still business so I'm just lettingyou know what's up but I'm very excited Mike Von Figlio absolutely killed it um and then allPatrice's friends you know Norton, Voss, Kev, Keith, Colin Quinn, the whole all of his peeps are in it
22:05it's going to be great and I hope you guys enjoyed I hope you tune in and watch it andyou tell people that have never heard of Patrice O'Neill to uh sit down and watch it I wouldreally really appreciate it I'm telling you guys I need you on this one all right this is an allthings comedy produced um documentary um Comedy Central and Vaughn, Von De Carlo uh Patrice'sgirlfriend put it together and then they came to us to produce it and then Mike Von Figlio signedon and once we got him to sign on the whole thing went through you know Patrice's mom Georgia's init I mean this is this one is is the real deal the people closest to him are in this thing I knowthere's been some other people fans have put some things together but this one goes deeper than all
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25:26wide just go to omax health dot com today and enter burr enter the code burr that that is omax omaxhealth dot com and enter burr to get 20 off cryo freeze site wide now doesn't that feellike that should be the end of the read for some reason they keep going they oversell itanyone from athletes to grandma josey can benefit from we got it it's fucking greati'm an old fuck it worked on me all right stitch fix everybodystitch fix um online shopping can be daunting look at all the options uh you can never knowyou never know if things will fit do i look bad in this returns are difficult who do i calland you don't even know what's what's store to start with this season this season let's stitch
26:17fix to uh do all the hard work i think this is leftover holiday this season what the ohfuck it's valentine's they haven't got my wife shit i think i need to get on stitch fix umas the days get longer and the weather gets colder it may be time to take a look at yourwinter wardrobe if you want to make a change this season stitch fix can help you choose newpieces you love oh they're talking about the winter season if you're if you're go to outfit in 2020has become sweatshirts or yoga pants you may be feeling like you're in a style rut let stitch fixhelp you feel excited about what you're wearing uh did you just look over your current cold weatherwardrobe options and get it chill it is time to ditch that old sweater and upgrade that jacket a
27:03stitch fits personal stylists can help you pick new pieces that are timeless stitch is there sucha thing as this timeless ski pocket um stitch fix offers clothing hand selected by expert stylistsfor your unique size style and budget every piece is chosen for your fit and your life and it's theeasy solution to finding what makes you look and feel your best try on pieces at home before you buykeep your favorite and send best send back the rest stitch fix has free shipping easy returnsand exchanges and a prepaid return envelope is included uh there's no subscription required trystitch fix once or set up automatic deliveries you'll pay just $20 a $20 styling fee for each boxwhich gets credited towards pieces you keep and there's no hidden fees ever stitch fix has styles
27:53including to fit any occasion for women men and kids they ship all over the u.s and available in theuk as well get started today at stitchfix.com slash mmp and you'll get 25 off when you keepeverything in your fix that stitchfix.com slash mmp for 25 off when you keep everything in yourfix stitchfix.com slash mmp all right there we go and as always during these cold winter monthsall right don't forget to get some of uh tim herb alexander his hot ciderum it's the perfect fucking drink herb cider dot com during these cold winter months i know youguys are getting crushed by the snow back there imagine okay you're done shoveling you're cominginto your little hot stove there and you got a little bit of herb cider there you know a nice
28:47fucking oh man that makes me want to go skiing that's my favorite thing about skiing other thanskiing back in the day when i did it before i realized i was gonna blow up both my fucking kneesum or bend my thumb backs to my wrist um was that beer yeah remember you always thought you had onemore running you and then you just fell down the fucking hill your fucking legs were like spaghettium my favorite thing was you'd go in and then you just get the fuck that fucking ice cold beeryou know your face all red they always had some big fire going on in the middle and of course younever could find a place to fucking sit and there was also a bunch of rich cunts in there but otherthan that you know it was fun you know um you could do that in your house all right crank up your
29:38gas fucking fireplace and have a little bit of herb cider at herb cider dot com h-e-r-b-s-c-i-d-e-rdot com um all righty all right what else did i want to talk about how much more time do i gotleft here on the podcast before i have to get back to nine million other things um that i have to doum oh you know what i actually had a social distance uh thing yesterday that i went toi went i was like three other comedians that i've known since way back in the dayit's fucking hilarious we're all sitting like i don't know do you watch the uh the nba thing nowwhere they got shack is like fucking 9 000 feet away and then there's the white dude and then thechick and then the other guy they're all just like i don't know where's charles barkley been lately
30:29i haven't seen him on that thing i don't know wait a minute let me look up Jesus Christ youcan't even keep up the people that get in trouble now charles barkley let's see what comes up comeon charles hang in there buddy all right nothing but his stats and wikipedia okay the man's still inthe game whoo who's fucking hilarious i guess shack went off i saw this really fucking hilariousinterview where he was interviewing that kid donovan michael on the utah jazz and he's just likedonovan this is shack and he's like hey shack what's up he's like i don't think you have what ittakes to go to the next level and he's like okay what do you think about that he's like hey whateverman you know and then you know he has this big game against the celtics and then shack took credit
31:17he's like you're welcome i've always motivated people and then somebody posts the stats goinglike he's been playing like this all year now i love shack i hope he's not becoming a grumpy old manhating on the young players you know who knows i don't know what but i don't knowshit about the nba but i just thought it was funny he's like my whole career i have beena motivator and a leader um by insulting people and saying that they suck um so they'll prove mewrong i understand that though that is the power what is that reverse psychology maybe that's whatit is maybe that's a two-point reversal um i don't know anyway that is the thursday afternoon podcasti don't know what to say here just listen to the music and then we have another bonus half
32:08hour of material from a uh bonus half hour episode from a thursday afternoon just beforefriday monday morning podcast from um i don't know a few years ago i think that's how we do it thegreat andrew femmless picks out the music so uh look him up follow him on twitter and uh he'llget back to you if you like the music and know you know i don't know what it is all right that's ithave a great weekend you cunts and i will talk to you later go bro and go celtics go fuck yourselfohi can hear the angel sing songs that all the angels sing she's such a pretty thingi can feel my heart just jumping and skipping when i'm kissing never
33:21hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast from mondayfebruary 11th 2013 um how are you how's it going how's your week going so faryou know i just looked across my room and i saw an object that reminded me of one of my manyfailures this week i was in a rush to leave my house and uh i was taking my truck because i wasfinally going to get the brakes done i bought a kit to switch my fucking um i got drum brakes onmy old truck and as much as i wanted to keep the truck as original as possible just the way peopletext and drive out here and there's so many people i just know that if i ever hit somebody with thefront end of that beautiful truck that you know i'm never going to be able to replace the part so
34:13i'm like i gotta do this shit all right so uh christopher titus very talented christopher titus uhhe's into all of that shit so he tells me go out and go buy a kit we'll drive it over to my placeand we'll fucking slap this thing on it's gonna take no more than four hours bing bang boom everything'sfucking done right so i'm all excited i bought this kit by the way in july of last year and it'sjust been sitting in my office i've been using it like just you know put my legs up on it because umbecause life goes by that fast when you're as old as i am next week yeah next week next week nextyou know you've you fucking had the thing for like six months so finally we set a date well like allright let's fucking let's do it was it wednesday we were gonna do it and uh you know i'm fucking
35:03nervous i don't know what i'm doing so anyways i gotta move the Prius out of the way so i movedthat out of the fucking way and i got the hazard lights on you know because it's the day wherethe cunts come around they give people parking tickets so i bring the truck up right i got thefucking choke out bring it up the fucking thing right and in my haste bringing the fucking carback i i left the hazard lights on so after we were done with the job i came home and my fuckingthe fucking car was dead and i'm like no big deal i know how to jump start this fucking hybridi know how to do it i watched the triple a guy do it i went out and i bought one of those self-containedbattery pack fucking things open the hood cute little hood that it is i opened the little battery
35:54pack i took the little red thing off and i can't fucking figure out how to clip it oni tried to clip it on the bolt rather than that metal tab it didn't matter anyways because mything wasn't fucking charged and i had to call triple a to have my car jumped do you realizethe level of of like how i'm masculating that is have somebody come over you know have somebodyteach you how to convert your brakes okay that that's understandable all right that's that's somenext level shit right it's a fucking jumper cables obviously oh it's the worst when the guy showed upi should have come out of the house and address um just defeated fucking man but i i bit the bulleti was like yeah i can't figure out how to do it and he explained it my thing didn't work anyways
36:42and now i can't find the cord to charge the fucking thing so there there it sitsthere it sits actually i just kind of slammed that whole thing together reality is is it took ustwo and a half days to get the fucking brakes on because uh the back plates that you stick the rotorson one's mark left the other one's mark right and we put them on we know the difference betweenleft and right and Titus kept going is it me or does it look like it's kind of liketorquing in like it's bent what the you know and i'm looking at it like i know what's going onwhat's going on uh you know it looks pretty good to me right you know put the fucking things onit's rubbing if you turn too far to the left or the right you know the calipers are gonna hit
37:24their springs the fucking brake lines weren't long enough the whole goddamn kit so finally weget these people on the phone i'm not gonna say who they were but i would finally get them on thephone and they were like oh yeah we had a batch of them went out and uh they weren't labeled rightand i gotta tell you something Titus in one of the most eloquent fucking assrippings you've ever seen in your life never raised his voice never cursed i think he saidone f bomb but it was a throwaway because he was like you know i've been i've beenfucking here for three days like one of those things not saying you're a fucking asshole butother than that never cursed and he just basically went right down the line like it so you knew these
38:11were labeled wrong and he didn't call anybody this this is a safety issue and the guy at firstwould not admit any wrongdoing to the point it was hilarious he wouldn't admit any wrongdoingat one point i swear to god he goes well did you look at the picture now in defense of them thepicture was right but the picture was like the size of maybe three postage stamps and it was inblack and white and it was very confusing because you couldn't quite see it but you kind of couldbut it was written clear as day left and right so what are you gonna go with what i can barely seeor what i can clearly read that's what we went with and uh oh my god and then we finally got thatout of him and then we fucking switched him and then it worked like a dream but the great thing was
39:05was trying to figure it out we put him on and take took him off like i think at least three timesso i kind of got three like um it's almost like i did three three break jobs i got like that levelof experience and i gotta tell you it was it was the fucking coolest thing ever to finally do somethinglike that to see how it all goes together it was absolutely uh fascinating and umand um i don't know titus is the shit because he would not he could have just slapped it onand be like go take it to your mechanic i don't know what the fuck's going on he was determinedto get this thing on correctly and he did and when he found out it was messed up he went to bat for meand he so eloquently reamed these guys that they actually gave me a credit on the kit
39:55so it didn't cost me a fucking dime how great is that and then we said oh you guys are all rightnow we're gonna send him some dvds and it's all a wash so i finally that was was so threetwo and a half days of that fucking shit and then i finally dude i went to auto zone likefucking nine times and every time i came into auto zone i was a little more tired and a little moredirty nothing i was thinking how enjoyable it would have been had the whole thing gone togetheri would probably want to learn nearly as much but just uh you know like when you watch thoseyoutube videos like eric the car guy and he's just fucking it's just this goes here and this goeshere you take that off put this on and put this thing back on and just it just goes so fucking
40:44smoothly and uh that was not the case on this thing but when we finally got it all togetherum it was tremendous and i'm i'm psyched now but there's not much of a sentimental fool i am i'mkeeping the old drum brakes and i bought the tools to be able to put it back together justbecause i don't want to leave it i want to learn how to do it and i also don't want to just leaveall the springs and shit laying around in the garage you know kicking them around and shit youknow how long can you really leave that shit around before something fucking happens and thenyou lose it forever so there you go how'd you like that that was my uh fixing the brake storyso i now have i now have uh uh uh disc brakes and i put one of the rotors on with the caliper
41:27and all of that and uh i was beyond uh beyond psyched although it does have a friend it doeshelp to have a friend who's basically a master fucking mechanic who has all the goddamn toolsuh who's getting who i should have been over there with a fucking nurses outfit on i was justhanding them shit but whatever i got dirty um so anyways i i have no idea what is uh going onin the world right now because uh for some reason i've decided to do like tent do-it-yourselffucking projects and uh i'm painting my living room so i and i don't know it's a it's a motherfucker it's a pain in the ass it's easy but it's a pain in the ass and i had to tape everything upand i haven't watched tv for like the last two days so i know it's snowed in boston uh that
42:16blizzard what the fuck are they calling it nokia nardia what the hell is it here nemo nemo nemoblizzard nemo i guess they're gonna name uh snow storms now you know i don't even need to get intothat enough comedians have made fun of how much they overhyped these things this looks like it wasactually a decent amount of snow but in the end even if you have like you know fuckinglet's say there's three feet of snow you know i mean what is what is that up tolet's say two feet of snow two feet of snow is that even up to your knees if you're an averagesize adult like what is gonna you can go 30 days i think i've said this before in the podcast youcan go 30 fucking days without food maybe more than that the big thing is water all right snow
43:07right there the nice fucking handful of cold water stick in your mouth just relax let it meltyou're gonna be fine you're not gonna die some guy on youtube made this hilarious video of justscreaming i have to get uh i have to get bread and milk i think it's already got two million hitsit's it's the funniest fucking thing why do you have to get bread and milki don't i i guess if i was old i would be nervous but only if if like you knowif the heat went out then that's the only way i would be nervous rather than that it's justfucking snow you're gonna get the day off you can go sledding build a snowmanjust put on a fucking scarf you pussies it's easy for me to say right i'm out here in fucking
43:53los angeles i gotta tell you though you know it's been a while since i've been in snow and i sawsome of the pictures my my buddy sent me this going look what the fuck i'm dealing with and thatactually looked awesome to me you know snow's fun to visit but you don't want to live in itwhen it first comes down it's beautiful and then once it starts being dirty and all that fuckingshit you just get tired there's less parking spots everybody down in southeast shoveling out theircars putting a fucking trash barrel there some yuppie doesn't know the rules pulls in his littlefucking pujo and he never sees it again um at least that's how i heard it works there uh this isthe monday morning podcast uh what am i gonna do here well you know what else i missed today i
44:33didn't realize the Bruins i know that that their game against tappa bae got cancelled and i didn'trealize that they played uh the buffalo sabers which has become a big rivalry and i know a lot ofyou guys don't like hockey especially the douche who had to write me on twitter to let me know thathe tried to watch hockey hockey didn't enjoy it and literally wrote yawnfucking cunt you know i just said you know if you it's a great sport watch Bruins Montreal ifyou want to try to get into do i really need your fucking like do you think the nhl get well maybethey give a fuck maybe they want your money you know write them why are you writing me like i'mthe goddamn commissioner anyways why do i read them i don't know why i read i should just not
45:20read them um so anyways people hate fucking the sabers they hate luke each because he ran overtheir goalie last year and hurt the guy granted it was a douche move but you know he was frustratedhe had a breakout he couldn't settle down the puck and old fucking old big eyes came out of the netcame out a little too far you know when he ran him over you're right you're right to be mad at himbut can you please stop asking why luke each won't fight john scott why do you get john scott is likesix eight two seventy he's a fucking goon he can barely skate why why would you have an all-starfight that guy risk getting hurt and then sit in the box that's why he's not fighting him there's noway ownership is going to let that guy fight all right and all luke each is is a fucking million
46:15dollar piece of meat to the ownership you know what i mean so they're not going to have him go outthere and go fight that big fucking sasquatch he shouldn't even go out there and skates heshould just walk out there with like work boots on i don't know he probably can play they don'tallow him to but i hate when people say that shit they pick like the best guy in your team and they'relike yeah he's too much of a pussy to fight our toothless moron yeah that that's a good switchoff that's a good trade-off let's have one of our best guys sit down for five minutes and all youlose is some fucking goddamn gorilla i get it buffalo you're upset okay you want to see lukeeach get pounded i understand i you're probably logic is well fucking what about saucer ice there
47:04he wasn't exactly a tough target um maybe deserves it i don't know i feel bad for people in buffaloyou know i mean that's just that's i've been there as a sports fan fortunately they let me up off themat over the last 10 years you know i'm rooting for you guys you know i know what people say to youi know exactly what the fuck i dealt with that bucky den 1918 all that fucking horseshitthe fucking curse with the canadiens back when they dominated us 25 fucking years ago whateverthe hell it was unless you're dan shaughnessy every time we lose to him he starts the curse is backnoodle-headed cunt um i know what you're going through i know people say wide right they saybread hull they say uh why do you play sports why don't you just stick to make an appetizer
47:53you already came up with buffalo wings is there something else you guys can come up with thatwe can enjoy eating while we watch our teams win championships i realize they say holy cunty shitand it eats away at you after a while it's awful you know i i don't i don't have any animositytowards any fans who go through shit like that haven't gone through it myselfi only wish it on uh you know who i wish it on i don't need to get into that shit anymoreum hey i take a kobe stop passing the ball you guys are losing again huh did you figure it outlaker fans or did you just figured out a new way to compliment kobe brianunbelievable do you know like last week out here kobe for like three games in a row actually
48:39passed the ball for the first time in his career he actually was passing the ball on a regular basisand i know a lot of people are gonna say because they wrote to me that he's got 5 000 career assistsmugsy boges has over 6 000 in like three less seasons okay the motherfucker's not passing the balleverybody who plays with them is not lying they're not making up shit all rightthe guy finally passes the ball and plays the team game fucking the lakers night and day allof a sudden they're this this this team that's winning and the laker fans think oh oh that wasthe problem kobe was the fucking problem no they immediately dropped to their knees and blow themagain it's a new facet to escape they started calling them magic brian kobe johnson i just i
49:33i've never seen i just don't understand i'm not seeing the guy individually once again this isthe paint manic thing all over again individually phenomenal it's not even that's not even paintman i can't even bring him up oh christ i'm rambling let's do uh can you tell i got a zillionfucking things in my mind this this podcast is more fucking retarded than usual all rightanyways plowing ahead here let's uh what's today the 11th oh my god valentine's day is only threedays away what are you gonna do how many guys out there are actually sitting around and you haven'tyou haven't uh you haven't stepped up yet you don't know what you're gonna do you want it youwant to step in the right direction pro flowers dot com all right impress your friends her friends
50:25are gonna ask you so what did you get her for valentine's day what did you get her and yoube like a big bouquet of flowers or a big bouquet however the hell you say it impress your womanand her friends it's probably even more important to impress her friends send her flowers from proflowers yeah get her the best kind with the biggest damn vase shut all her friends upand she'll be happy for a couple of days right uh one dozen romantic rainbow roses and a freeglass vase from my friends at pro flowers dot com for just 1999 20 bucks 20 bucks you're alreadygetting kisses and for my listeners double the roses for just 999 more uh you just need my codeburr b u r r when you order um what the hell is this please use this time to tell your listeners
51:14about your personal experience how did the flowers look how did they smell how did yourrecipients oh okay i got this i guess i was supposed to read that before um you know whatlast year they said some to my mother and she loved them called me up left me a great messageand i saved it for six months that's how happy she was that's how wonderful the messages themessage she was that she left you understand what i'm saying here people you can't go around andonly cost you 20 bucks here's the only way to get this amazing valentine's day deal you call1 800 pro flowers and mention burr b u r r or go to the pro flowers dot com or go to pro flowersdot com click on the mic click on the microphone in the top right hand corner and type in burr
51:57b u r r that's pro flowers dot com click on the microphone and type in burr b u r r order todayand um and get on with your wonderful day hey ladies you know what's to stop you this year fromget your your guy oh man you should do that get him four dozen roses just embarrass the hell outof him send it down to the job site uh pro flowers dot com do it today all right the next one herelet's get through this here what do we got what do we got um oh here we go stamps dot com everybodyif you never want to go to the post office again but you want to be able to do everything that youcan do within the post office all you have to do is just sign up at stamps dot com stamps dotcom everything you do at the post office you can do right from your desk buy and print us postage
52:43for any letter or package using your own computer and printer stamps dot com will send you a digitalscale calculates the exact amount of postage you need for any class of mail then just hand yourmail to the mailman drop it in the mailbox or even schedule a free package pickup using stampsdot com you'll never have to deal with bad weather again to send out letters and packages i usestamps dot com to send out all my dvds to my road gigs i've never had a problem i weigh it i get thefigure it prints it out i slap it on i go to the gig and the magically they're there right now use mylast name burr burr for this special offer no risk trial plus a hundred ten dollar bonus offerincludes the digital scale and up to fifty five dollars in free postage don't wait go to stamps
53:27dot com click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burr burr that stampsdot com enter burr burr all righty moving on yeah so i missed the game yeah i missed the game todayand i i saw cambell jump that guy in the savers he got he uh he didn't come out too well in that onei love another guy in the same was like looking the ref like i don't want to fight all rightwhat does what does um all right enough with the sports talk okay i need to appease the ladiesand the nerds out there oh here's one for you um this weekend i actually took a night off fromstand-up comedy and i went out to uh indio california i can't even remember the name of the casinoi saw don rickles i had to do it man i i was like i always see these guys
54:22underrated going to a casino and seeing a legend he was amazing and tony orlandotie a yellow ribbon he destroyed in front of him i didn't realize how many hits that guy hadyou know i went with bart neck and we were and i was just going like i think this guy's gonnaopen with tie a yellow ribbon he's gonna close with it and he's gonna uh he's gonna play it againin the middle and he came right out of the gate tie a yellow ribbon and in my world i'm like thisguy's out of hit he's out of hits then all of a sudden he goes into the next song like wait aminute i know this song knock three times on the ceiling if you want me twice on the piperight everybody going nuts then he had another hit after that i'm like god damn this guy's got a
55:09lot of hits then he got into a drum battle this drummer i'd have to give the nod to tonyand then rickles comes out it was just amazing just seeing an iconyou know tuxedo the whole old school thing guy opened up for sanatra underrated going togo into a casino to see a legend this is what i realized uh this is a very blanket statementbut i'm i'm sort of the king of this legends play casinos hacks go to cruise shipsis that bad i'm just saying you know they give you a certain amount of time to make it in thisbusiness and if you don't they just they just put you out to see you know and that's not 100%true there's some there's some good guys doing uh but you but you know what i'm fucking talking
56:04about i told you the story i did a cruise ship one time i worked with like a juggler and uh andthe guy hosting it i swear to god was like a real life guy smiley that was that story i told youwhy well they told me it was going to be a young crowd because i was like i don't think my exgoing to work on a cruise ship this is like 10 11 years ago they're like no no no it's this youngthis young with a young hip cruise liner thing right so i show up it's a bunch of old peopleand the guy smiley guy goes out there this is how old they were he went out and he opens withif you're happy and you know it clapped your hands and they did it and at that point i waslike oh my god i am gonna fucking eat my balls and i did it wasn't easy because we were rolling
56:46over the waves it's kind of tricky to get that second ball in my mouth but i did seven minutesinto my set fucking munched them both captain wrote a letter to the agency oh god why didn't iever get a copy of that said i was offensive to uh all races the handicapped i forget what else hesaid i don't know nothing i said was as was as offensive as the fucking food they were servingon that goddamn boat oh my god you never saw so many fat fucks in your life i swear to god if oneof those cruise ships ever goes down you know has there ever been like an obese shark they eat whalestoo you know what fat people must be for sharks just because they don't you know we're not partof their diet we just sort of accidentally like we got to be like remember those big pink snowballs
57:40those mushroom they had mushrooms in the middle and then they had i don't know what the fuck wasi never had the balls to eat one the only reason why is because it was marshmallow i always thoughtmarshmallow was disgusting like remember fluff peanut butter and fluff another that toxic horseshiti actually grew up right at the tail end of of just feeding kids absolute poisonlike now they feed poison but it's sort of disguised you have no idea because they'llwrite oh packed with protein or you know nutritious shit you know there's somehow they'll putput like those words in there they try and camouflage it but back then it was just straightup like you know it was just poison fluff another the fuck is that i don't know it's a bunch of white
58:26shit with a bunch of sugar in you mix it up with peanut butter all right well let's shut him upum all right what am i talking oh yeah we're talking about fat people going overboardany fat listeners you're going on a cruise and just think like wow if this goes oh well wait aminute would you float more if you're fat the big thing is you'd have to relax but the problem isis like you know if you're wearing like a fat person like uh like wetsuit you know you justcovering yourself all up when you're laying on your back in the ocean you know the waterthat's been absorbed in your bathing suit is going to be coming down in your face so you'regoing to sort of be like waterboarding yourself you know so maybe you got to roll over on your stomach
59:16no but then the rolls in your neck are kind of holding your face in the water it's it's a roughdeal um is there ever been a fat navy seal i don't i don't think they has all right i'm sorryi'm sorry people i this is why i do these monday morning when the brain is fresh i'm just attackingfucking people who can't defend themselves or stop eating um all righthere's something for you oh this is just choppy as hell i i gotta recommend something uh somebodyrecommended to me told me to go see uh that david roll documentary on sound city you can actuallygo to his website i wish i had that up there just look up david roll sound city you can download itfor 12 bucks and it's worth every goddamn penny it's about this studio uh sound city
01:00:07well basically i would say maybe 40 percent it seemed of every fucking awesome album you've everdownloaded or ever wanted to get over the last 40 years was made um in this studio and uhdavid roll actually bought the soundboard when it was going out of business he bought the soundboardso that kind of starts it off and when you watch it this isn't really a spoiler alert the whole timethey're interviewing him he's sitting in this old school van and i was sitting there going is that aone of those old ford vans the original like the the uh eco liner is that how you say it the early60s i hate how like pedophiles ruin vans you know what i mean i don't know if it was pedophiles ordate rapists but like vans in the in the 60s if you look at them they're not that bad they're
01:01:00actually kind of adorable i'll bring a picture up there like you know the ford eco liner looklike a big big fucking eyes looks like it needed some sleep you know and they were so tiny and youcould just see it you you couldn't do anything in them people could just see you could see almostright through the fucking thing um in the 70s they became creepy that's when they they startedyou know putting carpet on the floors and the ceiling of them and they had these crazy sort ofacid murals on the side of them guys with hairy chests and mustaches started driving them aroundand just saw them somewhere it just became the big jizz mobile you know and the skanks liked themi wish i was around when vans were cool you know actually i was when i was a kid i used to think
01:01:49custom vans were the shit now i used to think why don't my parents have a custom van rememberthat when you wanted your parents to be cool why can't he get a corvette oh i don't know becauseyou there's fucking six kids what the hell am i going to stick you that's when you know yourdad's fucking around and your mom comes home with a two-seater fuck the family i'm going out tonightum all right bill how do you tell a girl she sucks in bed oh jeez uh hey bill how do youtell a girl she sucks in bed without hurting her feelings or making her embarrassed is it okay togive pointers in the bedroom or would you make or would it make that make me look like a dickhelp me out bill go fuck yourself um all right the first half there's no way to tell a girl she
01:02:36sucks in bed there's no way for a woman to tell a guy he sucks in bed without hurting the feelingsall right let's be politically correct there's no way for a guy to tell another guy if they livein an alternative lifestyle 2013 no one wants to hear that um well this is what i would doyou can't just make somebody good in bed the potential has to be there there has to be acertain god-given talent you know what i mean i mean some women they they reach for your packagelike they're they're grabbing something out of the cupboard you know what i mean there's just noit's you know what's funny about women being bad in bed is there's not a lot of umthere's not a lot of stories i think guys not knowing what they're doing is is pretty well
01:03:32documented and guilty is charged guilty is charged you know but um it's it's definitely a two-waystreet what i would do is if you feel she has potential uh rather than give her pointerslike hey listen you're doing a great job in there is a couple thing like make some halftimeadjustments maybe you could do that like stop halfway through fucking you know have her runinto the bathroom and as you run in somebody interviews you you know well you know the firsthalf hour is pretty good there's definitely some things we could do better uh you know my ballsare kind of lonely and uh you know she's kind of you know she doesn't have a good rhythm we'regonna try to work on our rhythm in the uh second half all right yeah go fuck yourself you know runs
01:04:16back in um i would suggest rather than okay definitely don't tell if she sucks do not givepointers i would uh the keyword here is guiding guiding and um informative moaningi would say would be the uh the most user-friendlyway to protect this girl's feelings it that's what you have to doum i need more information do you feel she's aware how does she suck in bedlike i said is she grabbing your dick like she's you know reaching into a mailbox to see what thefuck's in there or is she just shy you got to help me out here i don't i don't know umyou know that that's what i would do i would i would guide her and by guide her i don't mean
01:05:17pushing her head down it guiding no forcing none of that type of stuff and uhand then what you got to be simon cowell is um don't give her any um sympathetic moansonce she starts picking up that you the moans you know you know don't give her any sympathyonce if it ain't doing it for you don't give her a yeah no don't do that just dead silenceokay she has to know it she it's it's not working i don't have to tell you dude i know itold this story before i hooked up with this girl one time and we were having sex doggie styleand you know when i come forward you're supposed to back in you know like we're clapping uh withcrotches is that a uh was that a fucking isn't that one of those dances with wolves names
01:06:17clapping with crotches sorry hacky joke umyeah no what she was doing when i went back she went back when i went forward she went forwardso i was in her but there was no friction so i was starting to have a performance problembefore i ever so gently put one hand on her hip and the other on the back of her neck and just sortof stopped her went back and then pulled her but it still didn't work it was like not onlydid she not know how to do it she was i think almost as tall as i was you know so doggie styleyou know they gotta have a kind of like you know you can get a little too high there you know withoutgetting too graphic so i was already dealing with that you know um i don't know beautiful girl though
01:06:59all right um unexpected pregnancy oh Jesus these are rough this weekunexpected pregnancy bill absolutely love the podcast and the stand-up you like a skinnylouis ck or conversely louis ck is like a fat bill but i really wish i didn't read that uhanyway not sure now i get dragged into it um and i'm not exactly skinny anymorethat's been happening i've been enjoying the high life lately miller um anyway to business i'm a24 year old guy from sydney australia who's run up against a big problem last november i lost awell-paying job due to an anxiety disorder i've developed over the years i've sought out treatmentbeen through therapy had all sorts of diets and breathing exercises and although recently it's
01:07:52been much more manageable it's unfortunate it unfortunately wasn't enough to hold onto my highpressured job you know what dude it was probably the job granted i have no medical backgroundwhatsoever but i really don't you know when you have to like eat a cum quad and start goingjust so you can fucking go to work hello oh neah how are you sorry just saw the door openum the lovely neah everybody are you busy okay umoh okay all righty i'll see you okay umyeah dude when you have to fucking do shit like that just to go to work it's probably the joband considering you developed it over the years let me guess was it as you got this
01:08:47fucking high-pressure job i don't know so anyways i'm currently i'm looking for a more low-key jobanyways three days after i'm let go i get a call from a friend i'd had drunken unprotected sex withthe only reason why i went back to our house was that our house was within walking distance fromthe pub we share a bed and nature takes its course oh my god it was a core it was of course a riskand like any idiot male i just assumed nothing would happen turns out i'm going to be a dad comeaugust after a mere one sexual indiscretion i've known this woman for over three years she'ssuccessful smart witty and we get on really well oh we get on really well uh she is sorrythere was a big space in a new paragraph i'm not that dumb people please please people still believe
01:09:41in me um she's been up up until now childless and you can understand her reasonings for wanting tokeep the spawn she expects me to play an active role in the parenting game and to be honest that'ssomething i am wholeheartedly prepared to do that's so fucked up they'd like make the decision i meanbecause it is their body they have to go through the procedure but it's just really you're reallyjust uh you just a fucking jizz hose that's really all we are uh we were both was irresponsible weshould both have to pick up the pieces and work shit out here's the problem she wants me to movein with her fuck that fuck that before i read any more of this fuck thatanyways in fact she's demanded i moved in with her uh double fuck that she's making demands
01:10:32go fuck yourself all right i wish you did that earlier i wouldn't have been in this situationum i can't help thinking that this arrangement would descend very quickly into mutual resentmentand unhappiness and would eventually be a detrimental environment for the kid apps offucking lootley i'd live with friends in the past and if a dirty kitchen can cause irritationi don't know how shitting drooling a shitting drooling screaming baby will fly under the radari want to move somewhere close by so i can share their parenting dutiesbut i don't see how moving in is a better solution she is also asking for financial support to thetune of half which the shit i've spelt out above surely makes this impossible
01:11:17um she's tipped deep in an already blossomed career and i'm doing my best to stay away from thedull or as americans say welfare uh so i'm asking advice on two things how do i reallyhow do i relay my moving in doubts to a hormonal pregnant woman without hurting her feelingsor making her feel like she has to go go at it alone and how can i spell it outto her that i won't be able to be there for the baby financially in the way she wantsjesus christ dude what else and how do you fucking jump to the moonby the way when she told me about the pregnancy and oh jesus arrived fully formed in my mouthgo fuck yourself cunt um you just have to have an adult conversation with her
01:12:11just be like look who's kidding who we're not in love with one anotheryou're not my soulmate i'm not your soulmate but we're both adults and we did this so wehave to take responsibility okay um i would still like to meet my soulmate and i imagine you wouldtoo and we're not going to be able to do that if we're if we're basically pretending to be acouple which we're not we're not okay just look at the baby like we both we it's like a timesharecondo sorry um no just tell you you're you're not going to move in i'm not moving in with you i'mgoing to support you 100 with the baby 100 but i'm not moving in and when she says why just belike because i'm not in love with you we're not we're not getting married we we screwed up and
01:13:05now we're doing the right thing but um yeah i'm not moving in and what's she going to do grabyou by the throat make you move in no fuck this and the fact that she's making these demandsshe wants half of your money well this is the deal dude you knocked a girl up and now you got afucking you got a kid coming so you got to go make some money all right and you do have to supportthe kid um this is one of these fucked up things if she's got a great career why does she needhalf of your salary you know what i mean if you had a great career she wouldn't even fucking workwhy don't you say this all right how about this why don't i be mr mom i'll stay home with thekid and you go out and work and you support me i'll wear a fucking apron have at it lady
01:13:54go put on your nancy reagan power suit and fucking have at it yeah dude look what what do youi know you got the double whammy here i this is i wouldn't i wouldn't do a double header herealthough the conversation might go in that direction but i would definitely not tell herthat i'm i'm moving in with her there's there's no fucking way there's no way that that's happeningall right there's no way that that's happening um because i'm not in love with youand let her hem let her haul let her cry let her scream let her throw shit let her do whateverthe fuck she wants to do um you're not moving in with her sir all right don't do itdon't go to bed with the brass on your head no don't do it um sorry boretta don't fucking do it
01:14:45all right and then as far as like uhuh you know supporting your kid you got to do it you got to give her the money you can't havethat this kid is in an unbelievably unfortunate situation you have to make the best of it andyou guys have to be friends and that's another reason for not moving in you knowwhat are you gonna sleep in the same bed like you're married like you love each other youcan't fucking do it so um i don't know but as far as the money thing yeah you got to go out andstart making some money and if you have to sleep on a fucking futon or whatever believe me that'sgoing to be better than having you know some 18 year old kid someday who uh had a shit childhood
01:15:35because of you and then you got to deal with that and then try and put the pieces togetherwhen you're on your fucking death bed you don't want to do that either but uhas far as moving in fuck that move close by and uh that's it it's not up for discussionokay and she can make all the fucking demands she wants to demands fucking dope you made ayou she made a mistake too the fuck she'd make it demands out of you for furthermore why thefuck you why why you worried about it all right she can't force you to move in so fuck her allall right with the condom next time sir all right legal zoom.com everybodylegal zoom.com are you waiting for the perfect time to start your dream business it's now
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01:16:56now at legal zoom.com um legal zoom is not a law firm and provides self-help services at yourspecific direction so if you have questions ask them and they will answer them um but there'sso much more now every LLC and incorporation package includes easy to use business accountingsoftware a $269 value for absolutely free be sure to enter burr burr in the referral box atcheckout start your business protect your family and safeguard your assets at legal zoom.com todayum is that it is that it for the i think that's it for the ad stuff here's something i saw i wastrying to get something to talk about on the podcast here um so i looked up the drudge reportbecause i always hear this is like something that people look at and they were talking about
01:17:46newt newt gingrich's ex-wife on loads on camera network debates the ethics of airing what she saidabout her former husband before the south carolina primary okay and you guys know like when i talkabout hockey and you have no idea what i'm talking about this this is my version of it south carolinaprimary for what what is newt gingrich running for mayor of south carolina or senator is that whatit'd be i don't pay attention to this shit um so anyways i guess his his marlene gingrich has saidshe could end her ex-husband's career with a single interview oh hell half no fury just takethe fucking alimony what did he oh didn't he didn't he do something wasn't she sick in the hospitaland he kind of tagged somebody else why do you think he could get away with it with that giant head
01:18:39of his um anyways earlier this week she sat before abc news cameras she spoke to abc news reporterbrian ross for two hours and her explosive revelations are set to rock the trial what triali don't fucking know it's just another ex-wife just going absolutely what why would you do thataren't you biting the hand that feeds as much as you hate this guy and he was probably a piece ofshit to you i mean you're really going to affect his ability if he doesn't win that political officehow can he pay for your Mercedes with all that fucking hush money all the bribe money he's goingto get you know how how how are you going to afford to get your hair and nails didevery fucking two weeks you know if he doesn't have a job where he gets to look the other way
01:19:34is people pour shit in the water supply for god's sakes woman have you thought this throughi don't fucking know all right what are we doing here is that is that all the advertisingi gotta make sure i didn't miss any of the fucking advertising they always end up flipping out at meoh you're really supposed to read it you didn't read it you know what's going on with thatcouldn't you read it earlier i think that was it all right that was it for the other than theamazon stuff and i say that every week so you know what where am i in the podcast right now46 fucking minutes in look at me wheezing across the fucking finish line this weekyou know what i actually had a great week really built well it hasn't translated into a great
01:20:17podcast you unfunny cunt all right i know i know it's been a little lacklusterlittle fucking lackluster um dear billiam i know this is last minute i didn't even tell you guyswhy i had a great week i went out i did a bunch of stand-up and this was like four things thati've been working on meticulously crafting in front of tourists down at the comedy storestore and uh i suddenly i figured out a through line we're at all connectedi give you that shit when people say you know you don't know how to write a script just startwriting a bunch of themes just write little vignettes and then somehow they all stick togetherwhich never fucking works um that's like you're trying to build a house just start hammering shit
01:21:03um but it actually worked out with the stand-up thing i have a nice through line i have a newchunk of shit that i've strung together like some cheesy thing with a bunch of beadsthat's some native person that was supplanted through genocide is now sitting on the fuckingcurb out now what is it honolulu is that what i saw them um supplanted is that a word relocatedvalentine's day advice billy boy dearest billiam i know this is last minute i had a question aboutvalentine's day i am a single guy in my mid 20s rejoice dude i'm going to tell you right nowif you're a single guy in your mid 20s and you live in america and you're living on your own pleasedrop to your knees and and thank whatever god you pray to every day because you're never going
01:21:55to be freer in your life i know you probably got student loans and blah blah blah the stress and allthat bullshit fuck that okay you're never going to be freer in your life go get three years suppliesof condoms okay and bang away my friend maybe you don't need to do it for three years maybe you'reone of those guys for only three weeks but you need to get it out of your systemall right he says i never really had a girlfriend for whatever reason oh jesus christ all rightwe're going the whole other other way truth be told my friends could name numerous reasons why idon't have a girlfriend but that's an entirely different issue well jesus christ there's a fuckingcan of worms they couldn't you don't seem defensive or argumentative so i don't know if it's an anger
01:22:46issue ah look i'm so i'm so sick of trying to be fucking handle the lecture here trying to guesswhat your shoes look like with the way with the way you write you know all right i'm just gonnaread the rest of this shit uh as of right now i am currently sleeping with three girls off oh soyou're fucking you're knocking it out i thought you'd like never had a girlfriend like and you'dlike never banged anybody all right my fault all right dude go fuck yourself you're a guy in yourmid 20s and you're fucking three girls right now and i'm this you need advice keep doing what you'redoing um yeah anyways depending on what day of the week it is and how much i've drank okay thatdepends on how many girls he's banging uh i've never lied to anything any of any of them about
01:23:32where our relationship is going and although they never met each other each of them has an idea thati'm seeing other girls it's kind of a don't ask don't tell policy um yeah dude and i you gotta comewith that you know you can open with that you know what are you doing i'm dating i'm playing the fieldhow many people you date right now a couple of people kind of seeing just having a good timewell i don't do stuff like that well there's the door sweetheartthen they'll respect like that the honesty of that some won't some will actually have self esteemand walked out but a lot of them they'll hang around eventually they're tired their neck gets weakand they'll fall right in your fucking dick um birthdays and christmas are always a piece of
01:24:19cake because all that requires a quick text or a phone call or at the very most drinks at the barbut valentine's day is tricky our dates consist of bar hopping and drunk sex so flowers in a nicedinner would completely send the wrong message dude you selfish cunt are you asking me how tokeep banging these three chicks while getting through valentine's day why don't you just look atthe valentine's day like that's your pussy getting all star break just take three days off the daybefore the day after in the day of just say uh what are you doing for valentine's day i'm uhi'm gonna be uh jesus where are you gonna be i don't know i don't have a good one for that oneall right you know what i just put myself in your shoes and i understand your problem now
01:25:06you said i got to do a little bit of trouble last year one of the girls texted me and saidyou know every girl likes flowers on valentine's dayhe said i knew my response couldn't be yeah but if i get you flowers then i have to getflowers for all the other girls so i just pushed out and responded yeah well oh dude you shouldn'trespond at all you know every girl likes to get flowers on valentine's day isn't that funnyand that has nothing to do with most likely her having any sort of feelings towards youit's just the bitch next to her in the other cubicle probably got some you knowor the girl in there fucking whatever the fuck you want to call it
01:25:46some guy broke my balls this week was fucking hilarious he was trotching we say come off asa pompous ass because i always talk about anybody who doesn't do comedy works in a cubicleyou know and for some reason he decided to take that seriously and tell me that he actually worksat the un and travels all around the world if that's actually true sir how why don't you justget on with doing that you work at the un and you travel all over the world why would you give afuck what some absolute jackass is saying on a fucking podcast how insecure are you your insecurityis probably a great thing because that's probably the thing that drove you to be at the un where youtravel all around the world you know what sir good for you that's awesome i hope working at the un
01:26:36and traveling all around the world fills you up some point where it fills you up high enoughwhere you don't have to respond to a silly joke on some dumbass podcasti travel all around the worldum you know what that's actually a great fucking job do you feel like you get anything doneyou know do you sit there wearing that headpiece next to that guy who's wearing the water buffalohat doing that shit and you're sitting there trying to talk to him about how you can sellyour rich crackers to their country is that what you're doing when you're traveling all aroundthe world i travel all around the world
01:27:25i can just see you on the plane with your fucking dress socks on you have a dash cuntoh just sitting there what movies am i going to watch on this flight as i travel all around theworld um anyways you know something sir you had you had the james bond job and then youfucking you played yourself i don't know why you did that why would you fuckingthat's like me responding to people on twitter why would i do it i should pretend like i havebetter things to do um anyways i want to keep seeing all these girls back to this guy but thisbut at the same time i don't want any broken hearts on valentine's day oh dude you know what goi don't understand what is your problem here dude are you like a gemini it's like you're this
01:28:12fucking lady killer then also you're kind of like you know you want to hurt anybody should i get hersome jam jams i can't i want to talk to the fucking un guy what the hell was going on here againvalentine's day i got a little trouble last year well listen you're anticipating troubledidn't you learn anything from last year you know every girl likes flowers on valentine's dayum what would i write backi know what my response would be the second i read that if it was just some girl i wasbanging and then they wrote that i would get this awful feeling in my stomachand i would i would read it and as i got that awful feeling i'd go
01:28:56i'd make that noise you know that thing like when you're just banging a girl and then allof a sudden she just fucking makes that comment you know you think she's on the same page asyou when she just makes that comment you know i was thinking about you today you just feel thatfeeling in your stomach oh yeah well uh don't that's the fucking worstuh you gotta be one and done but one and done is scary you just gotta be honest i don't know ifsome girls what would i say you know every girl likes flowers on valentine's dayum what would i text back yeah you know that's what i heard you know what i don't you know what ishouldn't give you shit i don't have a good response to that well maybe someday you'll
01:29:44meet a guy who wants to give you some you want to get drunk and fuck um yeah i got nothing and youcan't ignore it you know what i would have done i would have ignored the text and i would have calledher but a good three hours later three four hours three hours later that's a good one you call heryou ignore that text and you call and she goes hello and you're like hey what's going on what areyou doing tonight i got no plans valentine's day what are you doing and you just start it with thatand then she well what are you at it yeah and she'll be seen if you're gonna take it in someromantic you know direction and you don't you just keep it in the fuck buddy i figure we go down tomeet hammers whatever the fuck we go down to uh take it in the face have a couple pictures of beer
01:30:39and uh see what happens dude you know what you're you're it seems to me you're not just fucking thesegirls you're actually having like these mini relationships with themyou know the the key to having a fuck buddy is is the time between fucking them and i don'tgive a shit how much a woman says that she can handle it most of them can't most of them can'tif you're fucking coming over there and you and just eventually they're gonna get feelingsthey're more i don't know if they're more mature or if it's a defect it's just i just respect the factthat that's how they're wired so you if you have a fuck buddy okay let's let's just do the math okaynow now february is a very short month here so let's just say right out of the gate you fuck
01:31:31are on february 2nd all right you shouldn't come around again till at least the 17thand but grant you fuck and you leave f and l you fuck them and then you leave you don'tbanger on the second you banger on the second and then you banger on the 7th you're in afucking relationship in their world you know unless you literally the second you have anorgasm as you're coming you're scooping up your clothes and you walk out like half naked thenyou're just bizarre which is another good way to keep them at bay and why don't i just readthe rest of this and see what it what his question is here he says i want to keep seeing all thesegirls but at the same time i don't want to break i don't want any broken hearts on valentine's day
01:32:19yeah you want to keep fucking all of them no dude what you have to have you have to have arevolving door you have to have a stable of women if you're gonna live this life or you have togive in the fucking rubbing one out all right but you can't be a relationship guy with threedifferent women because you are going to end up hurting them so what you have to constantly be doingyou got to be like a college coach all right every year you lose some top prospects butyou're out there recruiting okay so you so you maintain but it's never ending it'sfucking exhausting but if that's the game you want to play that's what you have to do sothat girl who says you know every girl likes flowers on valentine's day right there you put
01:33:01on waivers okay for a for a fucking piece of ass to be named later you got you got to get rid of herokay and you got to look go back and analyze what the fuck you did wrong that she felt it was okayfor her to text you because you fucked up that right there shows that you fucked upthat she felt that she could send that to you if you think you're just fuck buddies all rightso anyways he continues he says I know that like it or not this shit is important to women if I takeone girl out I'm playing favorites and setting a bad precedent plus if she does that check inshit on Facebook I'm completely fucked yeah dude you're doing dirtbag shit if you're a single guyand something could happen that fucks you on Facebook you're you're leading these girls on
01:33:52anyways he says if I take none of them out or do nothing I have three irritable ladies on my handdude are you gonna marry any of them no well then let them go why don't you have the balls to do thatyou know when a team halfway through the season just realized dude we ain't winning this shitjust pull a fucking marlins just get rid of everybody and then your fan bases your dickand they're gonna be he's gonna be pissed for a whilebut then you build it back up again build it back up againyou know I don't know look dude if you want to be in a fucking relationship you know there'sother ways about going about than doing this but you're trying to have your cake and eat it
01:34:44dude you got three women right now you're banging three different women where's your confidenceyou know what you're doing all right dump two keep one at bay and then get two morethen dump the other one and get the other one just you don't even dump them you just phase them outphase them out but the new recruits that you get in you got to be straight up honest with themyou know unless you actually feel feelings if you're feeling no feelingsyou know don't keep coming back fucking them unless you know you get that 15 dayyou fuck them on the second you fuck them on the 17ththen you're into march and then banger on like the 11th
01:35:27all right and even then they can't catch feelings doing that but before you know it you knowthat's like 14 15 days out of the year taken up where you where you got to bang somebodythis is such this is this is really should be eye-opening to women that I'm actually sayingthis is really uh this is really awful not I'm speaking this out loudhe says in a perfect world I'll take all of them out at once and have the force and I'vebeen chasing after my entire life but we don't always get what we want any advice from the lovelyNia would be much appreciated as well love the podcast go fuck yourself uh yeah she probablywouldn't have been as understanding as I was even though I gave you a lot of shit
01:36:09um anyways that's the podcast for this week everybody umI don't I don't have anything I'm fucking tapped out tapped out I spent fucking three days undera truck not really doing anything just watching Titus do the whole fucking thing um anyways thanksto Christopher Titus for uh helping me with the brakes of my truck thanks everybody who's beencontinuing to download my special which is uh tremendous and uh if you want to help out somebodyor just check out something great please check out Sound City the new Dave Grohldocumentary I cannot recommend it highly enough it's 12 bucks off his website money well spentand when that fucker comes out on DVD I'm gonna buy it I like having the gold behind my money I
01:37:00don't like downloading shit and then just you know then it's just on this thingand then this thing dies and then that thing fucking crashes and then I don't have it anymoreyou know what I mean I don't like that shit all right I'm rambling go fuck yourselvesI'll talk to you next week and uh oh I know why there's nothing to talk about football is overfucking overbackyou
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