Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-20

Episode Date: February 14, 2020

Bill rambles about headliner Joel Olsteen, Mr. Microphone, and the XFL.

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It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in to see how your week's going. Is it going well? Is it going in a direction that you wanted to be going in? You're going somewhere.

Is it where you want to be going? You know, people, when we get on these tracks in life and we feel the direction of our lives not going in the direction we wanted to go in, you know, it's high time that somebody lets you know that you have the power to stop that train. To turn it around in the tracks.

Even though this metaphor makes no sense, can't turn a fucking train around. How do you turn a train around? You got to go to a train yard, right? You got to get a bunch of people that are missing digits, right, to disconnect some shit, right? You know, I think, I think all the cars

stay where they are. And then they disconnect the locomotive and that thing just bangs a little U-wee there. Because if you try to bang them, well, they're all in a truck. I got to be honest with you. I don't know how you do it.

But I'm here to fix your life. What is it about? I'm going to get out of this whole fucking comedy business. And I'm just going to fucking, you know, I got to get into the Joel Olstein world. I am so fucking envious of that guy.

That guy is a fucking genius. He sells out a basketball arena every single Sunday. Once a week, he does an arena gig. Everybody's talking about Kevin Hart doing a football set. This fucking guy sells out an arena every single Sunday.

That's a tough day to sell an arena. Okay? People are hung over from Friday and Saturday. He sells out where the Houston Rockets used to play. He bought that day, put down some electric blue carpet, and everybody comes to him.

He sells out a basketball arena every single week, the same fucking arena. He doesn't have to go on the road. You know? He's not going to George W. Bush Airport, George Herbert Walker, fucking whatever. International Airport. Right next to Halliburton,

that now is called Larry's Fucking Widgets. Whatever the fuck they call it down there, right? This motherfucker just sits there and he lets the crowd come to him. You know? He's got his own private Branson, Missouri. His own Las Vegas. They come from miles around.

And they're shiny pickup trucks. They're girlfriends named Darla, right? All fucking made up. Just an old zone layer of perfume. Just walk it into that fucking place and he goes up there, right? His fucking eyes closed. You know?

And just tells these people what they want to hear. That's the business I want to get in. He doesn't have to pay to rent the fucking thing out. And it's also a religion, so he probably doesn't pay any taxes. He's got his own TV show, and you know he has groupies. I mean, this guy, right down the checklist.

Everybody's talking about Ford versus Ferrari and how Ford came up with this amazing sports car that beat Ferrari. What about Joel Olstein versus every fucking entertainer in this country? You know? And you know, you got your Vegas acts that are there doing a residency,

a casino. Joel Olstein went out and he bought his own Flamingo. And he headlines it 52 Sundays a year. He's got his own TV show. He's got his own radio show. He's like that guy there, Ryan Seacrest. Except I don't think Ryan Seacrest could sell out the Staples Center every single weekend.

52 Sundays in a row. Doing his version of fucking rockin' New Year's Eve in the top 40. There's only one guy in this country that can do it. That's Joel Olstein. And I think it's high time when Forbes talks about the highest grossing entertainers out there that they stick this guy at the top of the fucking list.

I don't even think Elvis could fucking play Houston 52 Sundays in a row at his height. Treat me like a fool. I don't think him, oh, you never know. Those same fucking people would come down there. They'd go see him on a Saturday. And then all those women would go down on Sunday to Joel Olstein's to confess their sins.

Anyway, I don't know. So anybody knows a fucking rundown arena? Is the fucking, the Silver Dome in Michigan still available? Get together with all things comedy. We'll buy that. And I'll just move to fucking Pontiac, Michigan. Right?

I'll get an old Pontiac statue. And I'll fucking drive it in every goddamn weekend. I will do my shit and dick jokes. Wearing a suit with a red tie and my eyes closed. And I'll just tell you what you want to fucking hear. Huh? Let me just practice. I gotta practice my new act. I mean, look at you. You're listening to this podcast.

I mean, right there, you know you're alive. You know you're special. You know that Jesus cares about you. If he didn't care about you, why would he give you ears to listen to what I'm saying to you right now? And I'm just a vessel of his words. And it's just coming from up high. And it's just passing through me. And it's going right into you. It's like a virus,

except it doesn't kill you. It makes you live forever. Praise Jesus. Everybody put their hands together. Put your hands together. Everybody close your eyes. So because for some reason, if your eyes are closed, you can't really see the bullshit that's coming at you. Speaking of bullshit coming at you. Oh, Jesus, Bernie Sanders.

What? He went into New Hampshire and he fucking won that goddamn primary. Didn't he? Whatever the fuck you call it. He won that little fucking debate. I don't understand why everybody just doesn't like that guy or the mainstream media just won't get on the Bernie Sanders train. As they sit there bitch moaning and complaining about Trump.

Now, I really think that they like the Trumps out there because it gives them something to whine about. If Donald Trump wasn't president, right? And Hillary Clinton won. What the fuck would CNN have to talk about? They already ball washed fucking Obama for eight years. And then what do they do? Ring out their fucking sponges and then continue with Hillary?

They needed him to go in. Hey, look at me. Say goodnight to the bad guy. They needed that guy. I'll tell you he's having a hard time. It's Fox News. Those guys are having a tough time. Well, you know something that the left would just leave Trump alone.

Then they'd have nothing to talk about because they have their ultimate guy, right? He's out there, you know. He's got his trophy wife. He's grabbing pussies. He's shaking off lawsuits, right? He's gluing that toupee on. This is what the fuck they're all about.

And then it gives them a left loves it because they get to be like, oh my God, is this the worst thing ever? As you sit there in your limited edition SUV with your fucking heated leather seats, your wine and cunt. I like Bernie Sanders, man. I like Bernie Sanders first Donald Trump.

Those are going to be the great. That will be one of the greatest debates in the history of politics. Okay, you got a rogue righty and a rogue lefty. The pay-per-view matchup that everybody wants to see. It's going 12 rounds. This is not going to be Mike Tyson versus the Spinks Jinx, Michael Spinks.

I'll never forget that. Our pizza just arrived. Yes! Okay, the old freckles. He's fucking, you know what? I'm doing an acting gig this week. You know, I'm not supposed to talk about it, but you know, because you guys are VIP,

you know what I mean? You board before Group One on Delta Airlines. Those fucking silly cunts, right? Fucking assholes. You're not Group One if other groups board before you. Anyway, I like that. I like that Group One. You're in Jesus Group One,

except I go in first because I got an arena and I make him all kinds of money. You know, when I first started preaching about Jesus, Jesus just wore a loincloth. Now he's got a Sean John tracksuit because of me. He's still got that loincloth underneath it. Praise Jesus. Anyway, I'm doing this.

We're doing a reboot of New Girl where I'm the lead. It's called New Guy, right? And I, you know, I just moved to town. I don't know anybody. So I go out for Topos. That's the pilot, all right? And I'll talk to you guys, you know, I'll talk to you during my lunch hour here.

My lunch break, probably half hour. Probably going to work through it. I heard it's going to be a long day. But in your world, it's just going to be a quick edit, right? Wouldn't it be great if you could just edit the best parts of your life together? Just splice them and cut out the bad parts. But you know, as much as we want to do that,

if we don't experience the pain, then the pleasure, it doesn't, if it just feels normal. Close your eyes and thank Jesus for the pain in your life. Praise Jesus. I'll be back in just a moment. You see, just like that, I'm back. It's not my lunch break though. I just went, I did my little no hair and makeup.

You know, I was thinking about Joel Olstein. Again, you know what it's like? It's like he's agoraphobic except with like traveling. You know, or like performing. Like he can't leave that place. And you know, now I'm starting to think, you know, now that I had a couple of minutes here, why they painted my head, you know what I mean?

So the shine wouldn't fucking blind you on your big flat screen TV. It's like, what, is that a meteor? Huh? Is that a fallen star? Oh, wait. Oh, wait, it's just a pasty freckled fucking ginger. Um, do you know that's actually a problem with my acting?

Like they tell me I can't move too quickly on screen because it'll, it'll like literally, you know, all the people out there that are on edibles, like it just would trip them out if I fucking trip them out. Is that how the old people talk about fucking drugs? It's tripping me out, man. I'll fucking backtrace it. Um, anyways, yeah, it's like he's fucking agoraphobic.

So now, now I'm actually thinking that, you know, he stayed in Houston too long. So he's got to wonder, you know, am I, am I too regional now? Like, does my, does my act travel? Like, what if I, what if I went out? Okay. And I took the equity that I have in the fucking Houston

Rockets place and then I bought the, I bought the key arena in Seattle. Right. With the Seattle Super Sonics with downtown, Freddie Brown used to fucking play, right? What if I bought that thing? Okay. And then like, I don't know,

every other weekend I go to Seattle and I try to get those sad soak and wet lumberjacks with their Pearl Jam flannels, right? And their fucking high-top, uh, Doc Martins to come in. You know, he'd have to go a little Eddie Vedder when he got up there, you know, and he'd say to me, Jesus, she'd have to read, you know,

you'd have to bring it down. That's what grunge was. I thought grunge was just singing lower because I'm not going to lie to you. I, I have had serious satellite, uh, in my car for like the last three, four years. And I just kind of kept it on the same shit. I listened to Howard Stern, the NHL channel.

And then I had, these are my, my, my same thing. I got Aussie's Boneyard. And then I had, uh, the 80s, the 70s, and the 60s. You know, as far as like whatever, right? So I just flipped through those things. And that was kind of it. And I'd listen to Red Sox or Bruins games or whatever on the fucking really high channels.

So I started flipping through all these other ones. And I found this channel called Hair Nation. And it's like all the fucking hair, metal and fucking, you know, you know, cloned band at the band after band, you know, they play a lot of the bad shit too, right? So I was listening to it yesterday, right? And this band, Torah Torah came on.

And this fucking guy, you know, he, you know, the band's fucking playing a little noodle around with the guitars and getting in. He does a little, all right. And then right before they get to go into it, he's like, like fucking like a goddamn fucking cat.

Just screaming like a fucking alley cat. And I was just like, they must have just been up there in Seattle because they were, you know, they were of a certain age, right? They were a little older than me. And they were like, I'm so fucking sick of these fucking alley cats.

You know, we got, we got, we have to rebel against this shit. So they went from, to fucking, right? Or who's that guy? And Lane Stanley, we just sing the whole fucking line.

They went, they went completely the other way. They let their balls drop in Seattle, which was, it was easy for them. See, LA was more exciting and everybody, oh, they had their eyebrows up and it pulled their nuts up into their body. And that's why they sang like that. And up in Seattle, you know,

there's just no hope. Seahawks sucked. Ken Griffey Jr. was, you know, on his way out, right? Basketball team. He had Sean Kemp fucking knocking up anything that moved out there. Can you blame the guy? It's fucking raining all the time.

All his buddies are down in LA, banging fucking models and shit. And he's up there. What has he got? Huh? Bunch of hairy leg brogues with fucking soaking wet pubes hanging down off of their hoo-has.

The guy was depressed. So I think, you know, everybody's head was hanging down. And you know, it's the way you hold your body. So all these Seattle singers, their balls dropped. And then that's, that's how they started singing that way.

That's a true story, too. I saw Kurt Loder talking about it way back in the day. It was an amazing piece of footage on MTV News. Ba-da-da-da-da. Do-do-do-do. Um, where the fuck did that come from?

Um, anyway. Anywho. You know, I was actually talking to somebody about yesterday. Uh, there was a commercial, there was a toy a long time ago called Mr. Microphone. Right?

And the whole thing was, it was, it looked just like the microphone I had. It was the microphone, it had a little orange top on it. And it was the 70s. Everything had an orange windscreen on it. It was Mr. Microphone. You somehow you plugged it into your radio.

And then when you talked, like your radio became like a boombox. And these people all freaking out like, oh, wow, man, I'm on the radio. You know, like they would be, like they'd be like a, the commercial, like you're at like a party. They're like, wow, man, this party's boring.

Like it's not boring. It's the 70s. Nobody knows cocaine's addictive yet. Right? But no, they all act like they're fucking bored. So this guy goes, well, hey, I got this. And he pulls it out of his inside sport coat pocket. Mr. Microphone.

What's that? He plugs it into the radio. The guy's like, oh, wow, man, I'm on the radio. So they're showing all these stupid, fun activities that you can do with this fucking microphone. It was like fucking 12, 13 bucks to 12, 98 of some shit. So they show these poor little kids singing.

Around a Christmas tree or something like that. It's hilarious. Cause like they're now all in their fifties, you know. And then the best one was the one at the end. This is what made me look it up. Cause it's this guy with like curly fucking hair in the back of a convertible. And he's driving down the street.

He's in a car full of people. He just yells at some woman walking down the street. He's like, hey, good looking, we'll be back to pick you up later. Right? Now in my mind, I remembered a woman walking down the street, but I just, I found the clip and there's, there's no,

there's no, you don't see who is yelling at, but you know, it's a woman, right? But they didn't show a woman so they could get out of it. Cause I just thought that that, you know, I missed that America. You know what I mean? When you could sell a product, you can be the life of the party, you know,

have fun with Mr. microphone, harassing women as they try to walk down the street. Hey man, I like your tits. Mr. microphone, fun, fun for white males and, and uh, convertibles. Um, whatever. I'll post that. I'll post that video.

If you watch, I really do believe it's a woman because the chick that's next to him hits him. Like, oh, sexual harassment. Stop it. It wasn't harassment back then. You know what it was? It was life. And I'll tell you those broads back then,

they were a lot tougher than the ones today. You know, there has been an overcorrection. Now these women today, oh Jesus Christ. I mean, you just, you fucking look at a, a God like right now, I'm looking at a fucking standing lamp, you know, and they probably like, oh yeah, you, I bet you wish all women were shaped like that. Huh?

You body shame and white toxic pieces. Shit. Um, it's like, no, that's not what I was thinking. I was thinking like, what if I was Joe Lollstein? I was Joe Lollstein and I played a basketball arena every weekend and I never had to leave my hometown. Oh my God, that guy's life. I want to go there and I want him to pray for me

for how much I covet what he has. You're in fucking Houston, Texas. All right. So who's getting to it? It's going to be hot as balls. But you know, I think you can get over that with your air conditioned arena. Right.

He got probably some fucking sick ass ranch. You know, all kinds of fucking land, you know, and you just sitting there. There's got to be pressure during the week. Like God, God, how am I going to sell this Jesus week this Sunday? What am I going to look for? You know, every day, right? You do your cardio.

You know what I mean? You fucking hanging out, you know, maybe a little bourbon who gives a shit, right? You bless it. No harm no foul. Right. And you open up your Bible. You break.

There's always some fucking story in there that you can read and put your twist on it. Yeah. I think it means this. I think is everybody thinks something different, right? Look at this poor fucking. The shit that's going on now. Jeremy Ronick makes a joke on a podcast.

Now he doesn't have a fucking job, right? And then you just look at everybody talking about it. And then everybody like to some people, it's not a joke to other people. It's a joke to some people. They see a gray area and then other people, they see nothing wrong with it. And then they write shit way worse than anything

that was even said that caused the whole fucking story to begin. Right. And you take the fucking craziness of that bullshit and you just supply that to the Bible. And next thing you know, you are selling out an arena. I wonder if he, did he start like small? Like, how do you become? Is it like a preacher open mic where they're just like,

all right, this next preacher coming to the stage. He's a really funny guy. He's been talking about Jesus up and down the East Coast and at colleges. Please welcome Joey Olestine. Then he comes up there. It's Joey, Joey Olstein, but that's okay. Because Jesus forgives.

Jesus doesn't care if you call them Jesus Christ. He would just, he'd look the other way and turn the cheek. But you suck. I heard this before. That's okay. I'm praying for you. Why don't you open your eyes, you fucking asshole? Okay.

That guy over there had, must have too much of the devil in him. He must have had a couple of devil dogs when he came in. Cause there's the devil's in that satanic dessert and he, all right, that's enough for Joe. Keep it going for Joey Olstein. Right. He bombs for a while.

Then eventually he just fucking, he starts getting into a groove, right? I never forget the first time I was on stage and I got somebody to say praise Jesus without asking the crowd to say praise Jesus. And I was like, praise Jesus. That guy just said praise Jesus cause I was praising Jesus. And it was, it was in that moment I knew that I was on my way, that I could talk about this guy who may or may not have existed,

who may or may not be white and I could make some money. First thing I did was I bought an old cracker barrel that went out of business. Well, you know, I started filling that thing up. I want to know the story. How did he get to a fucking arena and the man simply does not have to leave his fucking ranch every week? You know, everybody, everybody goes to Mecca. I figured why wouldn't they come to Joey?

Joey Olen Linnestine talking about Jesus Kierahast inside an old fucking arena. You know, it'd be great. What if I fucking, if reunion arena where the Dallas Mavericks still used to play, right? What if that place still existed? What if they didn't implode that and I bought that? Okay, and I went against the grain. He's down in Houston and he's praising Jesus. I would go there and I would praise, I would go to Dallas and I would praise Satan, you know?

But I would steal his delivery, right? Because I'm evil. I just be like, Satan wants you to do anything that you want to do. You want to grab a pussy, you know? It's good enough for the president. It's good enough for you. That's right. Build the wall.

That's right. Build the wall around anybody who doesn't look like God. Praise Satan, right? And I would just fucking do that. Then I'd make my money. And then I could get on TV shows and Jane Paulie would be interviewed. Don't you feel the social responsibility? But what are you putting out there?

I know. No, I don't. If you look at all the commercials on TV, they're telling you, they're telling you to get that flat screen. They're telling you to get that hot tub. They're telling you to go out there and get that wakeboard. They're telling you to go out there and just have fun, fun, fun until the daddy takes the T-bird away. Now that was the Beach Boys. They're one of the most wholesome acts in all of pop music, praise Satan.

I could just go the opposite way. What I'm trying to say, people, is that I'm going to start doing The Road coming up in March. Okay. And I'm taking a little bit of time off as I've tried to put together my new hour here. And I got to tell you, I did not miss LAX. I love doing the shows. I love holding my hands up and connecting with the people. I ain't going to lie to you, but just the fucking thought of going to that God-forsaken, horse-shaped shoot.

They put the whore in fucking horseshoe. Horse-shaped, horseshoe-shaped, horse-shaped, the fuck, praise Satan, horse-shaped. What you need to do is get a whore and nail her to the top of your door. Make sure her mouth and her pumps are faced upward so the whoreiness does not pour out the ends, praise Satan. And you two can live in a cat house because Satan wants you to live in there. All right. I know somebody's going to send clips of this to some fucking Jesus freaking, and then I'm going to have some goddamn fucking Bayou stalker coming at me.

All right. Let's read a little bit of advertising here. Praise Satan. And praise Madison Avenue. And let's see what we got here. Oh, by the way, your Boston Bruins. That's one's six in the last seven. We beat the fucking Canadians last night.

We're 35 and 11 Canadians are 27 and 25 with just to see a fucking mediocrity on that team. I went to fucking daily faceoff and I was trying to look at the number one, two lines, you know, and the defenseman. I'm just, you know, and I went Seinfeld when I looked at it. I was like, who are these people? All right. Where the hell is my advertising here? Where is it? Oh, where is my advertising?

Oh, where could it be? Oh, there we go. You know what that's from? That was from the courtship of Betty's father. I've never been able to find that episode. But one time we were watching the episode, you know, they had the Asian woman on that thing was, I don't know what her deal was. She was like some sort of, you know, he was a widower and she came over there and made sandwiches or something.

And she called him Mr. Eddie's father. All right. And at one point she was in the kitchen and she was looking for a frying pan. Now I know that I've told this story before. She was looking for a frying pan and then out of nowhere, as she was looking for it, there's been no music. They haven't broken any fourth wall, whatever the fuck this is. She's looking for the frying pan and all of a sudden this person sings in the background like, oh, where is the frying pan? Oh, where could it be?

Somebody, please find that fucking episode and explain what I can't imagine being in a writer's room pitching that. Oh, Max. Here we are, everybody. We're into the advertising here. Oh, Max, praise Satan. Oh, Max, living with chronic pain is the worst. It's more than a feeling of more than a feeling of discomfort. It can affect your whole life.

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He's back and he's redder than ever. All right, this is what I would do if I was running the XFL. Okay, you're in the XFL, you know you're not the NFL. You're not the NFL. You're not the NFL. All right, you're not the NFL. All right, that's who the fuck you're trying to beat eventually or hoping that someday they will merge with you.

Whatever the hell it is you're trying to do. So this is what you got to do. You got to establish some level of excitement. All right, now back in the day, what that meant was to get a bunch of beautiful women scantily clad, running around, giving away free shit. That's how they used to do it. But now because of women who aren't good looking, good looking, dumb women now have a more difficult time exploiting their bodies to get themselves a nice two bedroom apartment.

Okay, so that's out the window. That ship has saiyan. Pray Satan. This is what I would do. Back in the day when the NFL was the NFL and then you had the AFL, they would play their games, right? And then at the end of the NFL season, they'd play the NFL championship game and the AFL would play the AFL championship game.

And then what they started to do was after those games, they played an NFL AFL championship game, which later was called Super Bowl one in two. You see where I'm going with this and three, I believe. All right, so first Super Bowl, I think being Super Bowl four, I think that was the first one called the Super Bowl one by your Kansas City Chiefs. They won Super Bowl four and Super Bowl 54. All right? So all you people in fucking Kansas City, Missouri, eat your goddamn vegetables because you got

to set it out until Super Bowl 104. I think that's how it works. All right, I'm not good at math. Anyway, plowing ahead. This is what I would do. I would have the champion of the XFL play the champion of the CFL, right? As a little nod to Super Bowl one, two and three. Then all you need is some Joe Willie guy to say, we're going to beat these mother.

Okay, now you know what? You got an American versus a Canadian thing whose second tier league is better. All right? That's what you do. And every other year you play by XFL rules and every other year you play by CFL rules. Our best second string professional league can beat your one and only second string professional league in the CFL because CFL is always going to be second string even though they're the only football league in Canada because they're always going to be second to Canada and hockey

night in Canada. I don't care how many old people they fire. These, these canucks are still going to watch that shit. So that's what I would do. All right? That's my little, that's my little business plan. And by the way, me and Bert Kreischer are going to go to that XFL, the LA Wildcats versus the Dallas Renegades, the home opener.

I like to root for up and coming leagues. You know what I mean? That's why I like when they first started showing those fucking degenerate gamblers on ESPN. I watched that shit, right? Here comes the river, the river, right? What the fuck? World Series of Poker. I started watching the World Series of Poker.

There is no fucking reason to call it the World Series. Maybe, no. Actually, that isn't a, I think that's an official World Series because they got degenerates from all around the world. You know? All right. I believe that's the podcast. I think I've done my contrastually required half hour.

I'm not good at math. What I did? Like 20 minutes. I did like eight minutes and three. That's 31. All right. I think we're good. Now you're going to listen to a little bit of fucking Muzak here, picked up by the one

and only Andrew Thamelis. And then you're going to get a bonus half hour episode of Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, followed after the music. All right. You guys have a wonderful weekend. Watch your XFL games. Watch your hockey games. Do whatever the fuck you want to do, you know?

Whatever the hell you want to do. But I got to get back to New Girl, the reboot. What would you guys call it? I need a working title. New ginger. New guy. Ahh. Shy guy.

All right. I'm done. Have a great weekend. Here you come. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, February 13th, 2012. Holy shit, it's Valentine's Day tomorrow. Yes, it is, folks.

It's Valentine's Day, that completely made up, horseshit holiday that you don't have to participate in. That goes down tomorrow. Did you make reservations, everybody? Huh? You're going to go out to the little fancy steakhouse, celebrate your relationship while you pay for 100% of it? Is that what you're going to do? It's the big bullshit holiday. It starts tomorrow.

What I did last night, I took my lady. I took her out to dinner. We decided that we're going to celebrate it last night. And I got to tell you, it was fucking awesome. I can't remember a Valentine's Day that I enjoyed more than this one. It was great. We went into this fucking awesome sushi restaurant, which is normally packed anyways, just for the fuck of it. Not about on Valentine's Day, but because it was two days before Valentine's, everybody wants to come in on Tuesday.

We go in there last night. There's nobody fucking there. There's nobody there. That's how you celebrate holidays, other than Christmas. Because Christmas, the difference between Christmas and Thanksgiving is you actually get those days off. So who gives a fuck? The thing about all these other bullshit ones is it's a suggestion. We think it should be the 14th.

Really, I think it should be the 12th when food costs what the fuck it should cost, and I can actually get a goddamn table. And I can focus on the girl I love, rather than looking around the room and being distracted at all these other women and how they're dressed up. Oh, look at the way she has her tits hanging out. You know? Oh, look at all this stuff they got. Oh, did he get a fucking goddamn bouquet of fucking flowers like they drape around a horse, and now he's putting it around his fucking woman? Does he understand that he just made her look like a fucking horse? I don't want to deal with all of it.

I don't want to deal with it. I don't. So, when's the next big holiday that's coming up, people? It's fucking St. Patty's Day. All right? One of the most racist fucking holidays there ever was, but you don't hear Jesse Jackson bitching about that one. But he walked around with green plastic fucking hats, getting drunk, puking up their fucking corned beef sandwiches, and celebration of Irish heritage. Is there any other fucking holiday like that?

Where are the Native Americans? They're all pissed off at fucking Braves fans and Redskins fans. Sit there focusing all on that as they sit on the streets in New York playing the sad, the white man took our music, took our land music, sorry. You ever hear those people when they get out there with those fucking centaur flutes that they play? It is the saddest, most depressing, you know, everything was great until you came here, evil white man music I've ever heard in my life. You know? I don't know what the fuck, but where the fuck is there outrage about St. Patrick's Day? The green alligators and everybody just sitting there.

I'm trying to think if there is another holiday out there. You know, okay, Black History Month. For the whole fucking month, do white people go around and fucking have their pants hanging off their ass and do a bunch of stereotypical African American shit? That would be really fucking offensive? No! We don't. Why the fuck on St. Patrick's Day? Oh, St. Patrick's Day lets everybody dress in the colors of the Irish flag and act like a bunch of drunk fucking idiots.

Oh, I'm on my soapbox this morning. Alright, what are we going to talk about this week? Did you guys watch the Grammys last night? You know, I watched a little bit of that shit. Bruce Springsteen came out once again and sang that song that sounded like all his other songs. Like every other song. You know, I got it. Jesus Christ. Unbelievable that he made people care that much about New Jersey. Right there, it just shows you the level of the caliber of artists that he is, that he could really make people care that much.

Who else? I said Bruno Mars. I think that guy's the shit. Oh my God, you like him? What are you a fag? Fuck you. I can give it up for somebody, you know? Going out there in his Elvis, Goldlemaze, 50,000 Elvis fans can't be wrong. It was great. I thought he put on a hell of a fucking show. I actually watched it and I was like, you know what? If he did that for an hour, I would pay to go see him. I thought he had a great show. Everybody was all sad about Whitney Houston, right? Whitney Houston passed away. It's fucking brutal, man. Everybody dying. You know, and I was really sad that she died until that fucking girl came out from the fucking, I'm not fat anymore commercials. And she sang that song that made me want to kill myself.

I like Whitney Houston, God rest her soul, but I didn't ever need to hear that fucking. How many fucking, I got it. You can sing. How about letting me fucking, you know, showbiz. Rule number one, leave him wanting more. Don't keep singing to where they're like, all right. Although she wasn't the worst at that. Like some of those fucking divas where they just go out there, those whale and horse where they just fucking hit every goddamn note. At least they stopped doing that stupid point thing where they were pointing where I'm going down and I'm going up. Yeah, we can hear you. We know what you're doing. Do you do that when you ride a roller coaster? You fucking point at everything you fucking moron. Christina Aguilera is one of the worst, just like, you know, she never sang a song. She sang a song like she was auditioning for a band.

Just sing the fucking song. All right, and get the goddamn mud off your ass, cheeks. That's not sexy. You want to get dirty? No, I want you to take a fucking shower. Why don't you go up there, wash off that clam and sing the goddamn song the way it's supposed to go. All right. And Chris Brown made me feel old. I was just sitting there like, you know, that isn't music. You call that dancing? Is that really dancing? Is that what he was doing? You know, he looked like someone who like, who got healed, you know, was like a paraplegic and somebody just touched his forehead and now he was trying out his legs for the first time in like 20 years. You know, that awful fucking autotune shit where you're just so obviously, you know, lip-syncing. And I was rooting for that guy. I was excited he won a Grammy, you know.

When was the last time somebody slapped the shit out of a woman? Everybody knew about it and within three, four years you won the little shiny thing. That doesn't happen often. I'm trying to think. Who's the last guy? I don't know. That was kind of a first. But I don't know. I didn't like his, I didn't like that music and I didn't appreciate that dancing and I was annoying the shit out of Nia as I was watching it. You know, just being the crabby old man. That's terrible. Pull up your pants. Did I watch any further after that? I think that was it.

I think I can only watch so much of an award show. I thought the Civil War, the Civil Wars or whatever, when they came out, I thought that they were going to bomb and they fucking killed it. So I'd like to download some of that music. I listened to some of it like a little one minute clip. But it sounded like all that real folky kind of shit that I don't like. But the song that they sang was Bad Ass and I thought the guy on the guitar was killing it. I don't know. What did you guys think about the Beach Boy melody? I thought that melody, whatever the fuck you call it, medley? I thought they did a great job. Somebody was trashing that guy in Maroon 5.

Saying that what he did was, what the fuck did they say? They said it was awkward at best. And what did they say? Cringeworthy at worst. There was nothing cringeworthy about it. They were doing a tribute to the fucking Beach Boys. What about when that guy came out, the one guy in the Beach Boys who has the on bald now baseball hat on. And he just kept pointing to people in the crowd. I found him to be a little weird. And I don't know. I think Brian Wilson, I've always said this before on the podcast. I think he went crazy just listening to his own music. That shit would just, you know, it's like these amazing harmonies yet you feel yourself going insane when you listen to them.

All right. I'm picking up goodbye, break shit. Oh, bop bop, shut the fuck. I mean, it's, you know what you feel like? You feel like you're on this never ending bus ride to camp when you're 14 and you don't want to go yet. You're in your 40s listening to it. I've never understood. I never got the Beach Boys. I don't get it. All right. They got a couple of songs that it's just like if you listen to it, it's just really happy poppy shit. And then it's just really dark fucking lyrics underneath it and you combine the two of them and I'm telling you, you're going to go out of your fucking mind. You know, you know something watching the Beach Boys really just makes me realize that I have to have some sort of, I need to retire date.

You know, I know that's a fucking mean thing to say, but there's just something, maybe that's me being shallow as a person, like the same reason why I never go to high school reunions. You know, I should have gone when I was younger. That's when I should have gone, but I'm too old now. I didn't go when I was younger because I was a fucking loser. You know, people were married. They had kids. What do you do? I tell jokes that I sleep on a futon. How many, how many points is that worth? You're a comedian. Where do you do it? Strip malls? Strip malls across the country. Yeah. Yeah. 33. 33. I'm actually older than you. Yes, I stayed back in the first grade right out of the shoot. Just didn't get it. Um, now, now I'm too old. I'm afraid to go to a high school reunion because I don't want to go there and meet people who are divorced and they have problems with a gallbladder. I want to remember all my classmates, the way I remembered them, young with their whole life ahead of them.

Okay, I don't want to go there and talk to somebody who used to make me laugh my ass off and now they're fucking sad because they have child support payments. I don't want to, I don't want to see that. I want everybody to succeed. I want to, I want to remember them the way, you know, I, so actually when I, when I do shows, I, people come out to my shows that I went to high school with and I get to meet them like that. It's been fucking great. You know, I ran to a really good friend of mine when I was in Houston. I haven't seen this dude since fucking eighth grade. This kid was so fucking funny. The eighth grade went by in like a week and a half. It felt like, and I ran into him was great. He was doing great. He married the right person. He was happy as fucking hell. And we just sat there telling stories, laughing, going, we fucking 30 years has gone by since eighth grade and blah, blah, blah, like that's the type of shit. So anyways, getting back to that other shit. Like, you know, the day I'm on stage wearing my I'm going bald fucking baseball hat and I'm pointing to people after my jokes and they're doing a tribute to my jokes. Somebody please shoot a fucking dart into my neck and just go, Bill, just, you know, you got to do something else at this point. Why don't you teach a comedy class? Why don't you do that? I'm really setting myself up for failure here because I don't think I ever can retire from this shit. I like, I like it too much.

You know, I don't know. You got to be excited though. If you're in Van Halen and you saw the Beach Boys, you know, you got to be excited. Like you just, when you get to a certain age, you got to be like, good, there's somebody still 20 years older than me. You know, like if I was in Van Halen, I would show that clip of the Beach Boys before I came out just to, you know, spot yourself another 10 years of youth. That's what I'm saying. Although I've heard that new album is fucking, I almost said terrific for the first time. I heard it's terrific. Have you heard that new Van Halen? Ah, Jesus, it's terrific. So anyways, people, believe it or not, Pro Flowers is still advertising on my podcast. Thanks for keeping your fucking mouth shut. It is one day. It is one day before, what the hell's the goddamn copy? It is one day before Valentine's Day. Everybody, Valentine's Day is tomorrow. So if you've not scheduled flowers to be delivered, then Pro Flowers is going to save your ass.

And they really are at this point. You know, are you like me? Did you not get a card until it looked like, you know, you know, like when you wait too long to get a card and you show up at CVS and it looks like there was a ticker tape parade there like seven weeks ago and nobody ever swept up, you know, and you're like, oh, God, what is left? Hey there, sugar tits. I kind of love you. You know, like I like those cards are left. Hey, you know, I'm not really feeling this, but you are a hell of a bang. Happy Valentine's Day. I also like the two cards that are left, you know, or they just have one that's just so fucking over the top, you know, it just, you're the light in my eye. Every time I inhale, I smell you, your aura. Oh, God, really? I have like some fucking picture of two people about ready to kiss like just silhouettes and it just makes your give you that queasy feeling in your stomach, you know, you know, that feeling you have when you were a little kid. Like the first time you thought about fucking one of your teachers and then you walked into school and you saw him, you were like, what the fuck was I thinking? You know, it was too new. They fucking make sense. Anyways, let's get on with the pro flowers read here. Valentine's Day is tomorrow, everybody. And if you still haven't scheduled your flower, flowers to be delivered, then pro flowers is going to save you. They got your back. You can still order and have flowers delivered tomorrow, February 14. All right, she'll think you ordered these far in advance. It will be our little secret. Look at, I like how pro flowers is acting like your little dirtbag friend. Don't worry, dude. I ain't saying anything. They're doing you a solid here. All right, you order pro flowers now. You got to do it now, people. All right, who's kidding who?

All right, it's the 13th. Okay, you're out of time. So this is the deal. You go to proflowers.com, you click on the mic in the top right hand corner and enter the code B U R R all capitals for for this amazing last minute deal. You basically you're going to get one dozen long stem roses plus a free glass vase. You get chocolates and a teddy bear. Don't eat the chocolates. You get them from pro flowers just for just $39.99 or you can upgrade. If you really like this lady, you get two dozen long stem roses with an elegant cherry red vase. You hear what just happened? The other one was just a free glass vase. They probably got an empty beer bottle or something. They stick them in. So I would go with the, I would upgrade for the extra 10 bucks. $9.99. You get chocolates, a spa kit and teddy bear, right? A spa kit. Ladies love to be pampered. I need a spa day. You know what my spa day would be lady for you to walk out of the house for a good four hours. Don't be mean. I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. It hurts some time. All right. Today you go people. Oh, come on pro flowers as cool as hell that they rolled with what I did last week and you guys actually ordered a bunch of flowers off of that. Could you such psychos? All right. So do me a solid. Do them a solid. Do your relationship is solid. Go to pro flowers.com. All right. Click on the microphone top right hand corner. Type in B U R R and get the little flower bonanza thing that you need.

You know, that's a really good thing to do actually to just get that out of the way. You know, to just take her anger down a little bit. Here you go. His flowers, teddy bear and a chocolate. All right. Can she really be yelling at you holding those three little props? That's when you know you screw up, you know, when your girlfriend's holding a teddy bear that you just bought and she's still calling you a piece of shit and telling you to get a goddamn job. That's when you know your life is fucked up. Okay. So use this pro flower shit as a barometer. If you can get her those three things. What is it about women and stuff and getting shit? Is it because they got to give it up in the bedroom that then then, you know, to balance it out. They have to get some sort of like tangible objects, you know, from day one. Have I ever said this before? I know even like when you have a one night stand, they try to get a t shirt out of it. They just they fucking love stuff. You know, I hate stuff. What's the deal with stuff? I don't like it. Like, we need we need a J a dresser in the bedroom. And I've been putting it up. I just don't want to have another fucking thing that I'm going to have to move someday. Okay, everything's fine. We have closets. It's not like there's clothes pouring out of it. And if there are, get rid of some clothes, you hoarder, you whore, dir, you know,

Nea's sitting there going like a fine I actually given what we'll get it, you know, we'll get a dresser draw. She's like, well, just one. Can we get one for you and one for me? No. No, we can't. What the fuck am I going to do that? Because then you're going to fill it up or feel like you need to fill it up. I'm such a douche. I should you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get one. Is it chest of drawers, dresser drawer, fucking whatever the Ottoman whatever the fuck you call the damn thing. I'm going to get one of those and I'm just going to give it to her. All right, there you go. Put all your little foofy things in there. You little dollhouse stuff. I know you're into that shit. There you go. All right, there you go. I'll keep all my shit in my closet. I don't want to feel like I'm taking the whole just fucking take the thing. God, you're being so mean. I don't understand why you're going to be so mean. I don't understand why we got to go to Ikea every three fucking days. Can you explain that? Fine, fine. I'm just trying to make the house look nice. You know, I had this fucking hilarious conversation with Paul Verzi the other day and you know, I got to tell this fucking you wouldn't believe this shit, right? I just got done with my red neck tour through the south. All right, started off in Charlotte, North Carolina. Fucking place was packed on a Tuesday night. I'm definitely coming back. Then I went over to Hoover, Alabama, right by Talladega.

You get on that 20, you go west from Atlanta, you go by Talladega. And I had a great time there. I actually took some video of Talladega. I finally gave in and I got the iPhone. Can anybody tell me how you fucking zoom in on that thing? Because I was trying to take footage of Talladega and all my footage is there's Talladega. How the fuck do you zoom in on this thing? That's all it is. I'm going to try to get that shit to my web guy and have that put up this week. And then I did Atlanta. Then I did Atlanta and I actually hung out in this bar with a couple of friends of mine, had a great time, had a couple of beers and the dude who owned, it was a dive bar. It was right around the corner from the Buckhead Theater. I forget the name of the place. It's a little pool hall. Went in there, had a couple of drinks and the guy who owned the place had the sickest fucking tattoo. I don't think, I think I've ever seen. He had on his upper arm. All right, well you got the classic mom tattoo. You know, he had a fucking portrait of Bill Murray on his arm, his upper arm. And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that is the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life. I'm telling you dude, it was a fucking work of art. It was incredible how much this thing looked like Bill Murray.

It was the antithesis of that UFC fighter who has that awful Johnny Cash that looks like Johnny Cash on some sort of medication for some thyroid disease with the heads all bloated and stretched out. This was the exact opposite. And I guess he's going to get Hunter S. Thompson on his arm. And I'm telling you if it's all going to be of the quality of this, I took a picture of it. It's fucking unbelievable. So here's the deal. Here's the fight I end up getting into with Nia. Right? With fucking, you know, I just did the redneck tour. I was in Charlotte. I was in Hoover and then I was in Atlanta. All right, started medium, got in real deep and then I came out a little mainstream in fucking Atlanta. Right? And I get off the plane and one of the one of the first things out of her mouth. By the way, I miss my flight. First flight I've missed since the late 90s. I overslept and I couldn't get on another flight to like, you know, my flight was 18, 815 in the morning. I couldn't get on until the 945 at night. And I actually got to the airport like two at two o'clock is like, what am I going to do? Just keep driving around Atlanta. We drop off the rent a car. So I don't have to pay for another day. And then I spent seven hours in the fucking airport.

I had two meals at an airport. Like I started off. I showed up. They had this soul food thing. Right. And I'm not a big soul food fan. I like the mac and cheese, collard greens are the saltiest, most disgusting things I've ever tasted in my life. And I got to tell you something. African Americans, for all the shit talk you talk about barbecue and you tell me a good place to get some because the shit that granted, I'm at an airport, but I'm not seeing it. It tastes like everybody else's barbecue. It tastes like you finished it 20 minutes ago. It's a poor cut of meat. You know, that's what barbecue is. It's a poor cut of meat that you have to slather all this other flavor onto to disguise the fact that I'm eating a cow ankle. All right. I don't give a fuck. But I do like mac and cheese. So I got a plate of mac and cheese. That's the first thing I had. And what the fuck else did I have more point? I had a hot dog. I had a cookie that wasn't even good. It was the size of my fucking head and it wasn't even good. Is there anything worse than that when you fucking get a cookie?

Right. Just to say that you sound like a fucking douche. Can I get a cookie? Right. And you bite into it and it's one of those cookies that isn't good. You know, you kind of poked at it through the package. You're like, oh, it's still soft. Oh, good. They put that chemical in there that prevented it from getting hard when it hits, you know, the oxygen. Like there's not oxygen in the stove. You know what I mean? And then you go to bite into it and it tastes like shit. But do you ever throw it out? No, you can't because you got that little bit of sugar in you. You're already hitting the smack and you fucking eat. You're just sitting there eating an hour of sit ups for no fucking reason. You're not even in a joint. So I did that for like seven hours. Then I finally get on the fucking plane. And oh, you wouldn't believe this shit. I get on the goddamn plane. It's one of the funniest things.

I get on the plane and I'm looking at all the people sitting in first class and some woman got on and she had a toddler with her sitting in first class and the kid was already acting up. And I saw one of those selfish I'm never getting married, not having kids ever people. I caught him right in the moment that he was discovering that despite the fact he was in first class, he was still going to have a miserable experience. And if you saw the look of you got to be shit me that look on his face, I burst it out laughing and he caught me looking right at him and he knew that I knew why he had that disgusted look on his face. But anyways, I'm telling this story like a fucking woman here where I keep doing these offshoot stories. So wait, this is why we had the big fight. I just came from Charlotte, Hoover, Alabama, and Atlanta, Georgia, North Carolina, Alabama, Georgia. Get off the plane after being delayed for 12 hours, one of the first things that comes out of her mouth. And she's like, you know, my mom was saying that we should just take a short vacation, go to like New Orleans or Memphis.

You know, and I was like, I don't want to do that. And then immediately I just saw her energy change. And there's just something about the side of her face when she's fucking mad at me. And I was sitting there going like, you know, you know, is there something wrong or whatever? And she's like, no, no, shine. I mean, you just keep going, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and they go, stop doing that fucking shit. And then I'm in my head like, you know what, fuck you. I kept telling her she was mad and she wouldn't fucking own up to it. Then we get home. All right. I bought the wrong light bulbs for the kitchen a few weeks ago. We have these awful fucking fluorescent light bulbs. You walk in the kitchen, you feel like you're standing in a fish tank that's been emptied. All right.

Did she go out and buy the light bulbs? Fuck no. That's too difficult. I didn't get around to it. You know, I can tell she's pissed. So she finally owns up to the fact that she's like, you know, you didn't have to bite my head off when I brought up going to Memphis or fucking New Orleans. And I was like, I didn't bite your head off. I didn't. I just said I didn't want to go. She goes, I didn't ask you to go. I just said my mom said we should go. What's that saying you want to go? You know, how about a little empathy? I just came from Charlotte, Alabama, and fucking Atlanta, Georgia. Do I want to go to Memphis? No. Do you fucking come up to somebody after they just had a Thanksgiving dinner and they're all stuffed and go, hey, would you like a turkey sandwich?

No, we got into this huge fucking battle. And then I got in she fucking left to go do God knows what to go hang out with their friends, right? After giving me a speech about how we haven't seen enough of each other, she again, the ghost takes off to go hang out with the fucking friends, right? Classic female shit. So I call up Verzi and we just start venting. And I'm telling you, dude, like, is that that thing yet another thing you have to avoid in a fucking relationship is like, do you ever just feel like you're like you stop being the boyfriend of the husband and you just sort of the you like this errand boy? Like every fucking time you go to walk out the door, they just add shit for you to go do. Hey, where you going? I'm going to go do this fun shit. Oh, can you go by the post office? Can you pick up the dry cleaning? Um, can you go restore this lamp?

You know, the dumbest thing you can fucking do is call your woman as you're driving home. Don't ever do that to yourself. And when they call, don't pick up. Then you walk in. I called you like six times. How come you didn't pick up? I was going to ask you to sweep the sidewalk and repaint the fucking gate before you came in. No, we had we had this big fucking battle. I was like, you talk to me like I work for you. I don't fucking work for you. Okay. No, I'm not going to go pick up light bulbs. You can't fucking unscrew and screw in a light bulb. I just I forgot to do it. You didn't forget to do it. It's a pain in the ass. He didn't do it. And now you're having me do it. Why do I have to do all the pain in the ass shit? It's a great fucking conversation for the day before Valentine's Day. By the way, I'm back on I'm on board for that stake in a blowjob day. All right, but it has to be done right.

Okay, which gets me to the overrated underrated of this week. Somebody said overrated stake in a blowjob day. Men's Valentine's Day. Because most chicks don't know how to cook a steak and half of them don't swallow. Jesus. All right, I can help you with the first half of that equation. If you have any sort of cooking talent whatsoever, ladies, just go on YouTube and you can find these YouTube videos that'll show you how to cook a steak perfectly. I thought I knew how to cook a steak. I didn't. There's all kinds of shit. I didn't know. All right, you just fucking put you get the grill nice and hot. You sear it right on one side. Move it just a little bit so you get the diamonds. You put it over the other side. Same fucking thing. And then you take it off and you let it rest. You don't cut right into the motherfucker. You let it rest and let all the juices go back all the way through the meats. Fucking one of the easiest thing you get a fucking do is cook a steak. It's not that hard. Okay, so for stake in a blowjob day, which I don't even know what the date is. I need the date people tell me what it is because I'm gonna be hyping that on this podcast is you got to make sure it goes down right.

Okay, she's got to cook that steak right. Okay, with a couple little fixings on the side, your favorite goddamn beer or whatever. And then afterwards, she gives you a nice fucking blowjob. And then you know what? That's it. It's fucking over. Okay. It's not like you start to blow me and then we have sex and then you get to have an orgasm too. All right, this is fucking my day. All right, it's your man's day. For once. Don't let him get anything. Okay. For once, you get the t-shirt. For once, they pick up the light bulbs. For once, you sit there and you get fucking pampered. You don't have to do shit. What the fuck is she gonna do for Valentine's Day? Huh? Get yourself all dolled up and just sit there accepting the food and the gifts to celebrate your relationship. If it's truly your Valentine's Day, you should be treated the same. You just fucking lie there like they do in the wreck. Ah, God, I'm such, I'm really being an asshole right now.

What's that? Would you like to hear another commercial? Why, here you go. Here's some more guy stuff that you guys, that you can appreciate. Do you play video games? Sure, of course you do. What are you, fucking eight years old, yet you're 40? That's the way to live life. Um, the new, new advertiser for this week, everybody, is Gamefly. Um, and actually, listen to think about me. I absolutely, I love video games to the point. I can't handle them. Okay, because I lose, I lose my, like video games are so good at this point. They're almost better than real life. Like I told you, I tapped out, last time, I tapped out Grand Theft Auto 3. That was like eight years ago, so I can only imagine what, what video games look like now. I used to just come home, you know, I learned all the cheats on Grand Theft Auto and I would get all the weapons and I would just go onto the top of a roof and I would just start killing people. I loved it. I absolutely loved it. Just blowing their fucking brains out was something that I totally loved.

So, as I said, if you're a gamer, you got, you got to go to Gamefly. Like if I was playing video games, this is, this is the place where I would go because basically you go, go, go, check out their website on your own. Um, it's pretty simple. Oh, this is, this is actually, this is something for me. This was actually a note for me. Check out their website on your own, but it's pretty simple. See, these advertisers already know I'm stupid and you're driving people to the below link so you can get credit for the sales. Okay, there you go. I just read from the playbook. So here we go, people. I'm going to drive you to their website. Um, Gamefly is basically, it's the video game rental system that delivers games to your door and now directly to your PC. And isn't that what every gamer wants? Don't you just want to sit there, finish it and then have another one delivered to you, you know, like some fat guy getting like endless box of donuts. Let me try this one with jelly, right? Gamefly has over 8,000 video console games, including new titles such as Call of Duty, Modern Warfare 3, Batman, I don't know what this is, Arkham City. Did Batman move? I thought he was in Gotham City. Look at this. They're there just so far ahead. I don't even know what's going on.

And the Elder Scrolls. What the hell is that? Is that one of those games where you build your own old folks home and try to keep as many old people alive as possible? Ah, Jesus Christ. I really should have gone to their website. Gamefly delivers right to your home. There are no late fees or shipping fees and the cost saving is amazing. As one month subscription is a fraction of the cost of a newly released game in the stores. This is basically it. So if you play video games, why wouldn't you go to Gamefly? 8,000 videos, they deliver them to your door or straight to your PC. And with all of that access, that's cheaper than buying one video game. That's it. Game set match listeners of the Monday morning podcast. We'll get a 15 day free trial of game day by going to game www.gamefly.com. You get 15 days for 8,000 videos. Use your sick time. Use your vacation time. Just play video games 15 days for free. You don't have to buy anything. www.gamefly.com. It's great for parents with kids that play games. Hey parents, you have kids that you're sick of watching. Stick them on in front of 8,000 video games. They'll sit there like zombies. It's great for the guy that likes to try out a bunch of different games but doesn't want to pay or even that guy who just has to play the hottest games out there.

Gamefly is your spot. Go to gamefly.com. For your 15 day free trial. Come on people. You got to admit it. As much as this advertising on this podcast, I'm hooking you up. I'm hooking you up with video games. I'm hooking you up with flowers. You know? You think I haven't turned down some advertisers? We had some people coming on here wanting to advertise fantasy football. And I told them to go fuck themselves because I hate that shit. And I've been making fun of it for the last 4 years. He's on my fantasy team. If I could have all my dreams come true, Dante Cole Pepper would let me sit on his lap. He's on my fantasy team. Alright, let's get on with the podcast. This is the Monday Morning Podcast, everybody. Man, I do one of these every goddamn week if you're new. I know we've got some new listeners out there and I do it every Monday. Why? To whore out what I'm doing in my little career here and also to give you a little bit of a laugh.

I know what you're saying. Well Bill, by the time I listen to this, it wasn't Monday morning anymore. Really? Well, it's before 9am my time. Alright? Jesus Christ, when your favorite artist writes some fucking album called September Wins and it comes out in January. It's in September. It's fucking January. It's not about you. It's about me. Alright? Hey, I got an email from Argentina. Do you guys have the internet down there? I didn't know that. That's fucking awesome. I'm breaking your balls. Isn't that where ACDC shot their latest concert video and the fans were so insane that it made me feel embarrassed for the level of participation that I had at the LA Forum? I'm going to go out. I think ACDC is bored when they tour the states. They have to be. If they get that kind of love in Argentina, why the hell would they want to go to R? It's going to be like going to the airport for them. From Argentina. Hey Bill, love your podcast. I am growing. Listening to your comedy, motherfucker. I hope one day a young fells the same for me, JJ.

What? This is definitely a sacred language. You know, I noticed Latino people when they write, haha, it's J-E-J-E. Which I guess that makes, oh, I guess that's he-he. Cause Jorge and Jesus start with a J. That's he-he. You know, I just figured that out. I finally had to talk it out. Did I figure it out? For all my Latino listeners. I am beginning in stand-up comedy here in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I feel I am a funny person and I am trying to find myself on stage. Me problem is that I give a fuck about what people might say. Yeah, well that's everybody's problem when we start out. This is a natural progression here. I'm trying to-to don't give a fuck because I know it's not-it's not worth it. People suck, but for one fucking reason, I don't know, I sometimes get nervous in front of their judgmental faces by Bill. Alright, let's give it up for this guy for being able to convey his thoughts in a second language. Cause I could never do that.

I would be like, hello, the girl drinks milk. Yellow. Adios. That's all I could say. Hola. El niña de veleche. Amarillo. Adios. Fuck, I wish I could stick with that shit. Anyways, alright, what are we saying here? The fuck am I talking about? Oh, what did he ask me? I just totally lost it. I just maybe think about how I should start. Ah, fuck it. I'm never gonna be able to do it. I gotta start cheating on Nia with some fucking Mexican girl who only speaks Mexican. And I know I just said Mexican. Speaks Mexican. I know it doesn't make sense, but I don't know what to say, what you guys speak.

Because if you say you speak Spanish, they're like, we don't speak Spanish. People from Spain speak Spanish. Well, what the fuck do you speak? Anyways, let's plow ahead here. Yes, the thing you're going through, sir, is what every stand-up comedian goes through. And it's great that you're this new to stand up and you're actually asking these questions. Not giving a fuck on stage is its baby steps. Alright? Every time you go on stage, you have a goal when you're starting out. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna try this new bit.

Doing, you know, walking around with the mic instead of having the mic in the mic stand makes me uncomfortable. Having the mic in the mic stand. I don't know what to do with my hands at that point. I'm gonna face that fear and you just, you know, just make little rules like that, little goals. And then it becomes second nature. We don't even have to make rules or goals. Goals is the word, not rules. And you will gradually progress. And always be trying new material and always just keep pushing yourself and all that shit will fall into place. You should give a fuck. You're new to stand up. You don't quite know what you're doing yet. You got a ton to learn and you realize that, which is good. That's a very humble way to be.

There's nothing worse than the fucking supremely confident open mic-er. You know, they blow everybody else away on stage, but they peak early because they just feel like they're the fucking shit. And, ah, that's not true. Is it? Ah, who gives a fuck? Look, you're like me. All right, you're a little timid. You just keep working on it. You'll come out of it. And one day you'll be like me standing on stage telling everybody to go fuck themselves even if they don't deserve it. Follow up from October. Where do eggs come from? Where do eggs come out of? Oh, yeah, I asked that. I asked, does it come out of their ass? Do they have a little chicken pussy? A little chicken vagina. Billy Boy, just listen to the podcast from October and you sort of asked where eggs come out of a chicken.

He says, I don't fuck chickens, but, well, okay, yeah, I do know where they come out of. I know for a fact that the egg comes out of the hole that poop also comes out of. It's called the vent. Bam. Educated. You're welcome. Ah, that's disgusting. Well, no wonder that egg has a shell on it, huh? So that's okay. I can still eat eggs and not worry that I'm eating egg shit, right? Because it's in that little, ah, that little morc capsule. It's called the vent. Why doesn't a fucking, ah, a chicken have a pussy? Is that because it's so small? Is that what it is?

Is it not like, you know, when you get a car and there's, you know, you get the compact so there's not enough room for the radio. So they turn it sideways like in the Chevy citation. Is that what it is? So they had to combine the asshole and the birth canal all at the same time. So every chicken takes it in the ass. Is that what you're telling me? Where does the rooster jizz know where to go? I didn't get pregnant again. It went up the shitter rather than up the vent. Does a rooster have to bang a chicken at a certain angle to make sure it goes up the vent? That doesn't make any fucking sense.

Is there a farmer out there that could show me a, ah, send me a diagram? It's got a, it's got a split at some point, doesn't it? They can't be some egg growing in your ass and you're also trying to take a chicken dump. You'd be constantly constipated. You know, when, when, when chickens lay eggs, it's not like there's a bunch of shit all over it. See, sir, this is what, this is the great thing about life is you ask, you answer a question and it just introduces all these others. Now I realize, you know, it's like that little thing, like with each book I read, I realize there's so much less that I know. See that? So now, now I have a, I have a hundred more questions.

And you know what? You decided to reopen this Pandora's box. Now, I need some follow-up. I got any farmers out there? Huh? Anybody else can tell me? It's got a split off, like one of those tea splits, like when, you know, you and a friend listen to the same iPod. Eggs and one shit and the other. That's like a game show. It's time to play. Put your hand, no, put your face under the chicken vent. What do you think it's going to be? Roll the dice? Is it going to be an egg or is there going to be some chicken shit? Um, that's disgusting, Bill. Well, go fuck yourself. I had to work with what I had there.

Alright, advice. Hey, Bill, huge fan. I figured if there's anyone I should ask for advice, it definitely should be possibly the possibly insane guy that rants into his weekly podcast. I'm not insane. I'm a little nuts. Nia keeps me sane. Um, I pay all my bills. I got a Prius. You know, go fuck yourself. Um, so here's a story. When I was in high school, I met a girl online. Do you guys think I'm only qualified to answer shit about relationships? Why don't you say, hey, Bill, I'm thinking about buying this or buying that. What do you think I should do? For the love of God, I can't answer any more of these pussy questions. I think I've given, I'm out of advice.

But I'm a trooper. I'm going to continue here. Uh, when I was in high school and I met a girl on, I met a girl online. Um, yes, this sounds weird, but I was a senior, her a junior, and the fact that we came across each other was absolutely random. Were you watching, uh, chicken vent videos? I didn't know you liked those two. Anyways, we exchanged a few messages, then text messages, then phone calls. That's right, dude. You're drawing her into your world. That's how you do it. And two weeks later, I was in my car driving the 1000 miles to see her.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. We exchanged a few messages, then text messages, then phone call. All right. Were you at least sexting? Were you at least doing that? Ensuring the fact that you could never run for president again without having those, those embarrassing texts show up from that mother computer and somewhere in Texas. Um, you drove in a car 1000 miles. All right, let's do the math here. Let's say you can go 70 miles an hour. That's 10, 11, 12, 13, 13 to 14 hours. And that's if you actually stop, if you stop and get something to eat, you're on a 15 hour fucking drive.

I've done a 16 hour drive one time. I drove from LA to, um, just beyond Denver one day. Um, with a TV in the passenger seat. It's a long story. Um, I had girlfriends before, we're back to the letter here. I had girlfriends before, but something about her was different. I spent the weekend in her city, spent as much time with her as possible. And two days later, I had to say goodbye and drive back home. Dude, how much did that cost in gas? Just get a Southwest flight. I told her I promised to come back and I did. I drove back two weeks later. This should be like a car commercial.

Um, then another few weeks later. And again and again over the next two years or so, I drove to see her probably 20 to 30 times. This girl was incredible and all I wanted was to be around her. Well, why didn't you just move there after two years and 9,000 oil chains later? Later, after two years together, I was sick of having to say goodbye. So I packed up and moved to her city. Let me guess, and then it all falls apart because this was all based on the romanticism of that you couldn't be next to each other. And now you're going to be next to each other and this she snores or this is going to be something common about her and you're going to get sick of her.

That's my prediction. Anyways, I enrolled in school, got a job and was able to see her every day. I think it's safe to say that not many people would do this at the age of 19 or at least go through it, but I did. I was certain I was going to marry this girl. After two years together, I still wanted nobody but her. Alright, so so far dude, you've done nothing wrong. Even if she fucks you over in this, she still did nothing wrong. Dude, you wouldn't have to love this, nothing wrong with that. That's what you should be doing.

After living there for about 10 months, finances started catching up. I was unable to find a roommate, bills were getting higher and my job was entry level paying $8 an hour. On top of that, I had school full time as well. I was forced to move back home and save money. This was devastating. I had been back home for about five months. I haven't seen her since I moved. I'm getting ready to move back in a few weeks, but here's where things get complicated. She lives on campus at her college. A month ago, she confessed that she had sex.

We had been together but frustrated because of the distance and on a break. We considered ourselves to still, still in a relationship, talked every day, but we're just taking things slow. She confessed to having sex with three different guys over the last month. She hid it from me. Yeah, I know. It gets more complicated. Oh dude, my fucking heart's getting ripped out here.

I thought for once this was going to work out. I thought for once the thing was going to be, I got to ask you, when I get the tuxedo for my wedding, do I go tails? No tails. I'm about five foot 11. That's the middle ground. I don't want to look like a penguin, but I think I'm tall enough. It gets more complicated. There was always one issue with our relationship. She was a virgin when we met.

I was not. This bothered her and was a frequent issue for the entire relationship. And I can understand why. She tells me now that even after what's happened, she doesn't know if she can be with me because she can't get over the fact that I had sex before meeting her. I see this as hypocritical, considering she basically cheated on me with three guys. I told her that I'm willing to forgive and I would actually like to seek a counselor together, anything that can help because this is how important she is to me.

I would like your advice on what you think I should do. I know this story is complicated, but I still feel that I should be with her and forgive her. I know I sound like a dumbass kid who doesn't know. You're not a dumbass kid. You're 19. You're supposed to be dumbass. Um. All right. This girl is fucking, this girl's playing you like a goddamn Strativarius here. Okay.

And she's not really, you're both young. Okay. She doesn't want to be that girl who married the first guy she met. She needs to play the field. That's where she is in her life right now. She's not going to be happy with you because she needs to go out and date a couple of assholes to realize. You know, it's like if nothing bad ever happens to you in your life, you don't know what a good day is. You know, you can't appreciate it.

It's like those fucking punk ass kids who have rich parents and they have courtside seats. Do you ever see them? They're sitting there fucking, they're on their little cell phones texting away. They're bored. You know, if I was eight years old and I got to sit courtside at a Celtics game, my eyes would have fell out of my head and rolled across the fucking floor. I wouldn't be able to conceive of it because we were always sitting up on the rafters. Right? So this is the same thing with her.

She doesn't realize what a great guy she is. So let her go dude. Go bang those other fucking guys. Dude, you're only 19. You ever see the fucking Bronx tail? You got three great women in your life. That was your first one. You got another two in the fucking chute.

Alright? And maybe they won't live a thousand miles away. Okay? They need to go jump on 12 other dicks to understand what a great guy you are. Alright? I just read, thanks Bill. Go easy on me. Alright, I am going easy on you.

I'm giving you some fucking tough love here. Love here. Okay? This ain't the time dude. You're going to move all your shit out there. And they're still, they're going to be that itch that she hasn't scratched yet. She needs to fucking... It's not even she's going to go out and bang a bunch of other guys.

She just, she has to figure herself out first. Who she is, what the fuck she wants, what she wants to major in. You're too young. You're too young. Alright? Come on dude. Alright, you're a romantic. You got a big heart.

You drove fucking 50,000 miles and the girl ended up breaking your heart. I mean, it's, it's inevitable. There's a thousand miles of distance and you're young. Alright? So, what I always do, why don't you focus on yourself? Alright? And like I said, this is going to suck. And you know what?

Just, you know what? Just tell her, look, I think that you need some time to live your life. And when you're ready to come back to me, you call me. Put the ball in her court. Alright? Let that bitch come to you. Alright? You've been coming to her to the tune of fucking 30,000, 40,000 fucking miles.

I think you've come her way enough. Alright? I don't see her fucking moving down the way you're at. You keep going to where she's at, dude. You're setting yourself up to be a fucking slave. Look it, I set my relationship up good and I still ended up being fucking errand boy. This past week and I had to put my foot down. Okay?

You know, much of a piece of shit and he would be treating me if I drove a thousand fucking miles and forgived her for banging three other guys. Don't set yourself up for that. Alright? You deserve better. Alright? You're a good guy. Fuck that shit.

Alright? I think it's time that you thought about yourself and your fucking vehicle. Let her come to you. Alright? This is what you tell her. Just say, listen, I understand that you've got to live your life. Alright? When you're done living your life and you want to come see me, you know where I live.

I think it's about the time you came and you paid me a visit. Alright? Maybe that's a little too harsh. Nothing like that, but not with the asshole tone that I have. Alright? Alright, here we go. Number two. Bill, I had to appreciate some advice on something.

I've been with my girls since I was 15 and now I'm 22. Guys, I can't do these fucking relationship things anymore. I'm sick of them. This is the last one I'm doing. Okay? At least let's fucking try and switch them up here. Bill, I'm thinking about getting solar panels. What do you think?

I'm now 22. For the past five years, we've been long distance through university and now our first jobs. Yeah, dude, this relationship's over. Over the five years, the odds thing has happened, which has made me worry that I can't trust her. Not full on cheating, but a couple of times it came out that she was being dishonest. She once got drunk and played strip poker with some of her girlfriends. She told me there were no guys around. I found out later from one of her friends that there actually was.

That's it, dude. That's it. The main shoot didn't come out. Pull the fucking rip cord. You are going terminal velocity to fucking splatten dick first and then your heart right into the ground. Dude, you don't need advice. Okay? You just need to be nudged over.

Dump this. Dump her. It's over. She's not a bitch. If she did this when she was 35, she's a bitch. She's not a bitch. She's doing what the fuck you do when you're that age. Okay?

That's what you're supposed to be doing. Okay? Have we learned anything this week, people? Long-distance relationships do not work. They don't work. Okay? And, sir, are you going to be honest and tell me that you haven't fucked around? You didn't get a little drunk and accidentally, you know, whoops.

Is that you, Titty? I'm sorry. Right? You haven't done any of that? A little over a year ago, she was on her way. She was away on business and claims. One of her workmates tried to kiss her. I don't need to read the rest of this and I'm not torturing my fans by reading the

same fucking thing. Okay? Any ends with, really sorry for the essay. I appreciate any wisdom you can impart. You already heard it on the first one, dude. It's over. It's over. You know what, dude?

There's nothing. The only thing that's, the only silver lining of when you're getting fucked over like this is when you break up with the person. All right? Just say, listen. I love you to death, but I can't trust you anymore. All right? And when you can't trust somebody, the relationship's over.

I can't trust you. Okay? I don't hate you. I wish nothing but the best for you. And, but you know, this isn't what I'm looking for in a relationship. Okay? Toodaloo and that's how you end it. Okay?

And I guarantee you, dude, you're guaranteed she won't be able to handle the level of maturity and you'll probably get at least a blowjob and a half. She'll get halfway through the second one and be like, okay, what are we doing? I'm confused. I got to get out of here. So just take the first one, okay, as your, your, your severance package. That's your gold watch out of this thing. No more long distance relationships, people.

All right? And why don't you guys give me a break? I can't talk about any more of this fucking relationship stuff. I would still like to give advice. I am not qualified to give advice. I just do this because it's fucking funny and we're doing the same subject over and over and over again. Hey Bill, I bought a Rubik's Cube in 1983 and I still can't solve it.

You know? Give me, give me some, some other springboard to fucking jump. I want to dive into a different comedic pool, everybody. You like that? That's from my syllabus of my standup comedy class. You think I'm not going to teach one someday? You think I'm not going to retire from the road and get myself a tweet sport coat with the elbow patches and come walking in and be all serious about comedy?

Don't dance! Like fucking Michael Douglas and that fucking show with those whores with the glittery pants? I actually like that musical. One singular sensation, you know? I like watching those whores do that fossey thing. There's something about it that, you know? That's the only musical my dick has ever given a fuck about. And for those of you out there writing musicals, okay?

You want to write a fucking musical that's going to be a hit where you can get all kinds of extra money is you got to make it, there's got to be something in there that a heterosexual guy is going to like. Alright? If you can make me go there and I don't give a fuck, then I'm watching a bunch of people sing and dance and there's no, there's no, I don't know, what the fuck do I need? There's no ball. Nobody trying to stop somebody from scoring a goal.

None of that shit. There's got to be, I'm not saying they got to whore it up, but there's got to be something there. You know? There's got to be something that makes my dick go, oh, what is this? You know? If you just do that every 10 minutes. Ooh!

I haven't paid attention. I have no idea what the plot is, but I like what she's doing. You know? I could direct one of those. I would say the same thing to every dancer in it. Bend over at the waist. I don't care if it's a rake stage. You're not going to fall over, okay?

Just get your fucking balance down. Huh? You like that? Rake stage? I've been around it. Alright, overrated, underrated for this week. Rake stage means they tilt it down. They cheat it down towards the audience.

So they can actually, so the people in the front row can see it a little bit better. And, you know, I used to date a dancer. Alright, overrated, underrated. Underrated, green tea. I'm not a doctor, and I certainly don't know how much about healing. I don't know much about healing of any type of viruses naturally, but after drinking three cups of green tea a day over the past five days, my head cold and heavy cough have pretty much dissipated.

Dude, if you didn't do shit after five days, the common cold is going to go away. But if you think this is your little voodoo cup, have at it. He said, I usually have, oh, typical me. I don't read anything. I usually have slow recoveries when I get sick too. Usually a two to three week process every time I catch a cold. This stuff almost got rid of it, the last of it in three days. Really good stuff, kind of therapeutic too.

Well, if it works for you, keep doing it. But I would probably try to eat some fruits and vegetables, get eight hours sleep, you know. And listen to me, I'm not a doctor. Overrated, shampoo and conditioner. I just watch my hair with a Costco brand body wash, and not only is it softer than it's been in a while, it also smells good. That's tremendous.

Do you know something? I actually love Costco. I've never been there before in my life. I love it. I love the Armageddon sized. Did I talk about this already? You know, a good friend of mine told me a while ago. Aisha Tyler, look at me name dropping little fancy Hollywood person.

She does the girl on guy podcast once again, right there. You see the name of that? All of you out there were like, I don't need to listen to another podcast. What did she do? She makes you dick just a little bit interested. Girl on guy podcast. Oh, your dick's like, what's that? I think I will have a listen.

If you could just take that formula and put it into a fucking Hollywood, a Broadway musical, more straight guys would go every once in a while. You just threw that in there that maybe you were going to see a live sex act. Such an idiot. Anyway, she told me that that's the place to buy booze. That's the place where you buy your booze. All right. And I'm going to tell you, God damn it.

She was fucking right. I bought a redneck jug of fucking Jack Daniels for like 30 bucks. You know, you just, you just looking at it. Like if I drank all of that in a bar, that would cost me probably about two grand. Do you like how I'm talking about Costco? Like it's this brand new store that only exists a mile from my house. Yeah, Bill, what are you going to tell us that next? The wonders of shopping at Walmart?

Oh, go fuck yourselves. All right, that's the podcast for this week. I have things to do people. I don't have time to sit here in my jam, jams for the rest of the day in my fucking Red Sox bathrobe. Did I get to everything? Oh, stamps.com, stamps.com. The last one, everybody stamps.com. I've been using, I've been using this exclusively.

I've been in the post office in three weeks and I got to tell you, I don't miss them. You know, they're like that girlfriend that I'm finally over. They're in there in my rear view mirror. Anytime I need stamps, I print them out right from my computer. Anytime I got to send out a package, they set me up with this little scale. I weigh the whole thing. I'm telling you, I'm going to buy one of those little visors. I got my own little post office right here at home in my pajamas.

Once you get the supplies, you're all set. So basically, this is how it goes. Stamps.com, you can buy and print official U.S. postage with your own computer and printer. You can print stamps and shipping labels for any letter or package the instant you need it. Yeah, because they give you the scale. They give you the paper to print them out on. And then you just stick it out by your mailbox and they pick it up. You don't have to go to the post office ever again.

All right? You know, and I'm not going to, I'm not trying to act like a fancy guy, but I'm a busy dude. And one of the things I hate is having to go to the bank or go to the damn post office. Okay. I can't wait until they come out with bank.com where I can stick cash in because I'm not putting my bank account number on the internet. That's where I draw the line. But you know, the stamps, I'm all over it. All right.

They got a special offer everybody right now. If you go to stamps.com, use my last name Burr, B-U-R-R. No risk trial plus $110 bonus offer includes a digital scale and $55 in free postage. You can either do that in stamps or if you got somebody's birthday coming up and you want to go mail them a fucking wigwam or something, you can just slap it right on there. All right? I'm telling you. Don't wait.

Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R at stamps.com. Enter B-U-R-R. I really appreciate you guys. You guys have actually been doing this stuff and like the amazon.com thing has really been blowing up. If you're new to my podcast, if you go to the billburr.com, click on the podcast page and you click on the Amazon link. Just if you're going to buy something on amazon.com. They give me a kickback and 10% of that.

I send to the wounded warriors project and I got to wait three months to get the first check. But when I do, I got a nice check going towards the troops. So it's been an all good thing. I really appreciate you guys participating in all this advertising and not breaking my balls about it because look, the podcast is still free. Right? We get it Bill. Shut your face. Hype your gigs for this week.

This week, I am going to be in New Jersey as I always am right after New York wins a championship. I'm always in New Jersey. Boston wins a championship for some reason. My next gig is in fucking Utah. I don't know why it works out that way, but it always seems to. So this is the deal. This week, I am, I am on storming through New Jersey, Long Island and up into Connecticut. I'm at the Bergen.

Actually, I'm at the stress factory for the hurricane make update on the 15th. I think those shows are sold out. Check with Vinnie Brand at the stress factory. And next, I'm at the Bergen pack theater in Inglewood, New Jersey, February 16th, February 17th. I'm at the Fox theater in Connecticut. We added a second show that is almost sold out on the 18th. I'm at the theater at Westbury. I guess the Westbury theater in Westbury, New York.

All of those shows, if they're not sold out, they're about ready to be sold out. So please, for the love of God, go to billbird.com, click on shows, click on the link, get yourself some tickets. I need you guys to come out to these shows because I'm getting ready to take my next stand up special. So it really helps me when you guys show up and please just laugh away. Just laugh away. You think it's funny? Don't laugh if you don't think it's funny. That's all I ask of you and we'll be all good.

And the following week, 23rd, 24th, 25th, my triumphant return to the commie works in Denver. Why is it triumphant? I don't know. I just felt like saying that. That's it. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Oh, I didn't even talk about the fact that I am a bandwagon New York Knicks fan.

I still can't root for them to win a championship because they're a New York team. But that Jeremy Lin kid, I watched that Lakers Knicks game on the airplane. And I got to tell you, dude, flying back from Atlanta. That's the most exciting NBA game I've seen in a long time. And when he took that charge at the end of the game, I almost stood up and started cheering. And it just has to do with the fact that that kid was almost out of basketball. And also he's playing that basketball that they played when I was a kid. You know, all you youngsters out there, you don't understand.

You don't understand how much Michael Jordan affected the game actually in a bad way. He was so good that he actually fucked the game up. Because before then, it really was a team sport. Like in the 80s, when I was growing up and you were playing basketball, you know what we used to always do? Somebody always pretended they were DJ and then somebody was Larry Bird. You always try to do that backdoor pass that was good for fucking six points every goddamn, like once a game. Somehow Bird always got free in the baseline and DJ did like the no look backdoor fucking pass. That's what you wanted to do.

You wanted to be, you know, Magic Johnson, giving the no look pass to your buddy who's pretending to be worthy. And he puts the ball up like he's going to dunk, but then he's white. So at the last second, he's got to lay it in and everybody laughed. Everybody had that playmaker point guard that got everybody involved. And that's what you wanted to be. And Jordan was so good. He defied every fucking rule right down to the rules of gravity where he was just fuck my teammates. This is my supporting cast.

I can win without a big man. I don't need to pass. And he could do it because he was that good. But then everybody saw that and then they tried to do that. And who's kidding who? You're not fucking Jordan. You know, and everybody tried to be Jordan for like 10 fucking years. And that kid there on the Minnesota Timberwolves, if the NBA can come back to that again,

I will start fucking watching because there's nothing better than watching a point guard that gets everybody involved. And I love Kobe as far as what the fuck that guy does. But watching the Knicks go down the court and then watching Kobe, they go down in a cluster. There's Kobe by himself and then everybody else is all together. And if Kobe gives up the ball the second he does, he's clapping and he wants the fucking thing back. And I don't give a shit if he's got three guys hanging on him and he's 10 feet behind the fucking arc and he's got two guys wide open now because he's being triple team. You got an 80% chance that he's gonna fucking shoot the ball.

But the son of a bitch hits it so he can't be mad at it. But kids just see that shit and that's how they try to play hoop. But I'm telling you, watching this kid fucking getting everybody involved, you had no idea what he's gonna do. He could come in, he's gonna split the defenders, he's gonna kick it out to somebody for the open three. He goes in for the old school reverse layup. It was fucking insane. So I am a bandwagon Knicks fan right now because I watch that kid every night if that's how he's gonna fucking play.

But I will root like hell that they don't win a fucking championship. The amount of poundings that I took this week doing morning radio in New Jersey for all my jersey gigs. Oh my god, I took trashings. I got pounded by some, I just got pounded. There's nothing I could say. I went down swinging but I got pounded and it's fucking hilarious. Last year they were all Jets fans. They all had on their Sanchez jerseys and this year everybody's a giant fan.

It's unbelievable. It's almost like they switch loyalty. Ah Bill, you went so long without being a cunt. Alright, that's it. God bless you. Go fuck yourself. I'll talk to you later. It's a spot check.

Get the dead cam down. Cause I'ma break it down for you. How we from the town? Half a pack. Keep the bass slides round. See you on chick clock. Get a jack of my sound. Don't feel my big.

Let it grow up in here. I'm still proud man. I know I'm for a record called B-Bop. In metal I spin it all. I'm on B-Bop. Shout out to the African band. And to the S-2. Through the double low A-Y.

The 1MC. Who you can't deny. I listen to the fuckers. And they didn't smile. Sit down to fight. And the bed brings fire. Cause you're off the wire. With specific intent.

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