Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-14-19

Episode Date: February 15, 2019

Bill rambles about marketable politicians, future debates, and death in children's stories.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you seeing how you week's going. Oh, happy Valentine's Day to you. Happy Valentine's Day to you. Happy Valentine's Day, dear ladies. Why don't one of you brave, strong warriors pick up the check? You fucking tight wads. You know, I was watching TV the other day, because I'm not a big reader, you know, unless it's got a lot of pictures, and they sound out the words for me. And there was this woman on TV, right, one of these daytime talk shows of some shit, and she was just like, happy Valentine's Day week. All right, I sell, I think we should celebrate the week. It's

it's a week of love. It's just like, how much free shit are you trying to get? And stop acting like you're celebrating love. You're not you're celebrating you. Yes, selfish. Why is she a horrible? Because she's on television with too much makeup. All right. I mean, Jesus Christ, why aren't you just out there walking the block? Oh, man, I'm in a grumpy ass fucking mood, because I want to go to be to the motherfucking Ed. I want to go to bed, bitches. I don't know why I'm talking like a fucking old white housewife right now who watched a hip hop video, but I am motherfuckers. I Yeah, I want to go to bed, but I got to go out. I got to go run my hour. I got to go run because I'm doing the special soon. I got to hit the comedy

gym. And all I want to do is try out my new fucking ideas. Right? That's what I want to do, but I can't I got to fucking do the I got I got to be I got to be like, you know, militant about it. I know it's weird. What I have to do is do my new ideas and then start with the joke. I'm going to fucking maybe start with and then run the fucking shit. And then in the end, I'm not going to do it. I just need to be on stage talking. That's all I need to do. Okay, I don't know how these fucking people do it where they write the whole thing out, have the whole thing memorized or whatever. I don't know if it's I'm lazy or maybe that's not how my brain works. I have no fucking idea. All I know is I'm running it tonight

and then that's it that I'm coming home and going to bed and then I'm fucking waking up the next day. I got a table read for efforts for family episode four. Fucking season has been great so far. We got some new writers. And they're crushing it. And I don't know, we're almost next week next week, we'll do 405 maybe, right? And then we'll be halfway through the season already. And I will you think, well, shit, Bill, what's it going to come out in June? Oh, I mean, just halfway through just the first initial writing of it. Well, how does it work, Bill? Why would you like to know how it works? Okay, so you write the fucking thing, right? And as you're writing the episodes, they come back with

something that's known as an animatic. Now an animatic is basically it's just basically black and white sketched. They're like, well, this is how we're going to draw what you wrote. Does this look good? And we'll be like, we like this, don't have that chair there, have him stand up, have him move his arm like this up and down when he says what the fuck is going on in here, right? You do that. And then it comes back, it's a little more drawn, a little more color, you know, that's how it goes. Just like that. But we're on the fourth season. So they know what we like. We know what they like. So it moved like last season moved along quickly. So I'm hoping we get this fucker done as soon as possible.

So anyways, then I'm going to take my lady out for fucking Valentine's Day. That's what I'm going to do. And I'm going to try to be a nice guy and try not got to get into a fight. Try not to have any opinions. Yeah, you know what? I'm doing so much shit right now that I want to fucking go off on, but I can't go off on it because other people's lives will be affected. You know, what are you talking about some top secret shit bill? No, I'm not, I'm just talking about, you know, I don't know, just bullshit in my fucking life. Like, you would never know it, but I am not in a good mood right now. All right. I'm not in a good fucking mood, but I got to do this. I have a responsibility to you. Okay. I answered

the call 12 years ago to start podcasting. Okay. The same way somebody answers the call to defend the freedom of this country. All right. Now, God damn it. If white women in this country can somehow enjoy white privilege and then yet also make themselves victims, then God damn it. I can put myself on the same level as someone who's fighting. You know, what are they saying? They're doing the fighting for our freedom. That's right fighting for our freedom. Right. As a podcast warrior living my truth. I think I'm slowly going insane. Um, anyways, I don't have any advertising here. I don't know what's going on. This whole fucking podcast has been going off the rails lately. I'm not going to lie to you. And you know what,

I think a lot of the biggest fucking problem is, you know what the biggest fucking problem is right now, aside from the fact that I have no guest and that sitting here by myself, you're listening to one of one of, I'm like a cunts cunt right now, right? Um, the biggest fucking problem in my life right now is I'm sober. You know, I don't know how the fucking people do this shit. I'm trying to think back to my life before I ever drank because I had a hell of a run. I went, I went, I didn't start drinking till I was like 17. You know, I had a couple of sips of beer here or there, but basically I spent the first 16 years of my life sober. I don't know how I did it. But I think back, I didn't have any, there

was no pressure to get up and do my paper route. That was the biggest thing. Casually I had to go collecting. Maybe it rained out. Some of the papers got wet. Maybe there was that maybe had a book report. I mean, those were the pressure days. I wonder if kids over in Europe, you know, when they got a big book report the next fucking day, you know, after they give the book report, do they drink like a fucking couple of shots just to unwind? You know, cause there's just so much more progressive over there and they can allow their kids to booze. I don't fucking know. I don't know how it works. I don't pretend to know. Um, but anyways, I'm committed to this shit though. I'm not drinking this year.

Now, I know those animals and AA, they try to say you got to go day to day. All right. But they're a different, they're a different group of people. All right. If you ever think you're an alcoholic, go to an AA meeting and just listen to the fucking stories and you know, come out the other side and tell me you're as fucked up as those people. I double dare you to fucking do it. You know, you just come out of there and be like, Oh, you know, I'm a fucking binge drinker. That's what I am. You know what I mean? Once I start losing teeth, you know what? I kind of dial it back. I'm not standing outside the fucking liquor store waiting for it to open fucking chugging mouthwash. You ever go to an AA meeting? You

want to feel good about yourself? You go to a fucking AA meeting. Just look at those fucking animals just sitting there. God damn cigarette ashes fucking all over the yellow fingers. Just shoving donuts down their fucking pie holes. It's unbelievable. Yeah, it's funny. I haven't been on AA. I went to two AA meetings. Was it one? Yeah, two, like 30 years ago. Only because the court told me I had to. It's a whole other fucking story. You must go to two of these things. You don't go to these things. We're not giving you your fucking license back. All right, I'll go to these things. That was every fucking story. They would say the most fucked up shit ever. Jaw on the ground. Like you got to be fucking

kidding me. How did you live through that? And then right after that, they'd be like, and then the craziest thing is, you know, all I want to do is have another drink. Oh, Jesus Christ. I love making fun of alcoholics. I really do. Alcoholics, feminists. Who else? I was fucking people. Jesus Christ. I don't know. What fucking deal with the devil did they sign that they just fucking get off Scott fucking free out there with all that corporate money hanging out of their fucking pockets? Everybody out here is looking at him like they're fucking I don't know what. Anyways, why do I talk politics? I don't pay attention to it. Every time I start to look at it, it just fucking, I don't know, it either bores

me to tears or scares the shit out of me. You know, to either like somebody filibustering on the fucking floor. Or it's like, I don't know, you just watch them, you know, building up a new candidate and so much of it has nothing to do with their message. It has to do with the way the way they look. You know, it goes back to Clinton. He played the saxophone on fucking Arsenio. There's watershed fucking moments in politics that changes it forever. You know, like, as far as the age of television, you had Nixon sweating, sitting there like a fucking catcher, you know, what John F Kennedy was all tanned up with his fucking legs crossed, you know, like he was hanging out at a fucking country club. The people who listened to the

debate said Nixon won and people who watched it said Kennedy won. You know, Nixon with his sweaty upper lip. Yeah, that was it. That was a moment. Michael Dukakis sticking his head out of that fucking tank. That was a moment. Bill Clinton playing the saxophone. And then I would say Donald Trump. This last one where he didn't really debate as much as he just sort of trash, he just sort of was doing a roast. That's what I want to see. Just as a stand up comic is how are people gonna fucking debate that guy? You know, takes me back to like when Patrice was alive, we just couldn't beat the guy. So you'd literally walk down to the comedy cell and I would have like fucking four insults. I would just be

thinking about his face was something I saw him do on stage and I would have like four fucking insults ready to go. You know, just so I could get to the table and sit down and order some fucking food. I feel like Trump, you got to do the same thing. Like Hillary should have just abandoned, you know, whatever fucking horseshit she was going to say, right? And just fucking attacked his toupee. You know, and just the stupid look on his face and should have just sat there and imitated. She should have just fucking. I believe that the youngsters call it clowned him. She should have just trashed him back. I don't know. That was such a fascinating fucking thing to see happen. There was all these fucking rules and he just

came in there like a goddamn bull in a china shop and traipsed right through all of it and those people all had no answer. All those years I watched those debates and these fucking guys running the debates acting like they had this fucking control that if you fucking broke these rules that something was going to happen that there was some sort of repercussion for it. So no one ever did for the most part. You know, they talk a little bit over their time. Trump completely fucking ignored all of them and when he did, they had nothing. Really fucking nothing. So I don't know. What is he like? He said only two years in a little over two years. So you got this year, you got next year, and then the show starts again.

What do you guys think? Let's fucking handicap this like a football. It's the beginning of the season. Who do you think is going to win this super like how I want to? How are you guys, even if you're into Donald Trump, because the guy, he's a fascinating fucking problem in a debate. Because it's like this guy is just like his style is so fucking not what they're you all of these fucking politicians unless they hosted a reality show. Maybe that's his strength. He didn't take debating classes. So he doesn't know that he just fucking goes in, you know, I don't know. I found it as a standup comedian. Fascinating. Like he was this heckler that you just couldn't get. I can't shut him. I thought I just when I looked at all

those other candidates, they were like these comedians and they were facing this heckler. That was just funnier than than the comic on stage or just wouldn't shut up and there was no security. They couldn't shut him the fuck up. The only other time I saw something like that, I saw Bill O'Reilly when he went on the view and he just said whatever the fuck he wanted and he made them so mad. Two of them got up and left and he was literally two fucking hosts away from hosting the O'Reilly factor on the fucking view. You know, but Babs was fucking old school. And she called the ladies back in. She's like, what are we doing here? Sit the fuck back down. You know, it's just a man in a shirt saying things. Relax. Okay. And they all fucking relaxed. And

then that was it. Anyways, I love when they walked out to like that meant something like I'm getting up and walking out like all of show business was going to was going to stop. You know, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck's been going on with me lately, but this is my thought like if I've learned anything in my 50 years on this planet is nobody gives a shit. Occasionally when somebody gives a shit, it's so fucking rare that they actually will do like a piece about it on the news. Like we found somebody that gives a shit. We found somebody who's doing the right thing. This is what they do and they're doing it the right way. Why is my voice cracking? You know, they make a documentary about somebody.

There's so few people doing good things. I feel that they actually that's why they created the documentary. That's how it came about. It's like, why don't we just make a movie about this person? Well, now that there's such a good person, like it's not going to come off as a believable movie. You literally have to fucking film this guy or this woman doing this nice shit so anybody believes it. Right? Am I dreaming this podcast right now? Is this podcast actually happening? I have no idea. I watched a little bit of the Bruins and a little bit of the Celtics. I've decided that at some point

I do have to put my foot down a little bit and take a little bit of control of the TV. You know, my daughter's just so adorable. It's hard for me to, you know, say no, but I know I have to, right? So, you know, last night the Bruins were playing the Black Hawks. So it's just like, I just want to watch one period of hockey. I'll watch third period of hockey, you know? So I go to put the TV on and I really try not to, you know, do the screen time thing with my kid. I believe in that whole thing that having them, especially with smartphones and all that shit, it's just, it's fucking, I don't think it's good for initially. And I'm basing that on shit I've overheard other people say. Not to mention last weekend when

the TV wasn't on and I didn't have my phone and I just took out a deck of cards and I just had a great fucking time. I was like, oh yeah, remember that? Looking at another person and connecting with them. Anyways, I, the fuck is my point here? Oh yeah, so I go to put on the hockey game and the second the TV goes on, she starts yelling out her shows, you know? Minnie Mouse, Minnie Mouse, right? I'm like, no, no Minnie Mouse. She went to bed. Minnie Mouse went to bed. And then she does this cry like, you know, just forcing it out. And I'm like, we're going to watch hockey. Everything she sees now that sport, she goes football, football. I'm like, no hockey, hockey. So she was upset for a little bit, but then she was cool. And then tonight I put on the Celtics

and then she pointed the TV. She's like, hockey, hockey. I'm like, no basketball. So then she, you know, said basketball, we watched that a little bit, but then she wanted to do the alphabet. So I put it on mute and I was doing the alphabet with her and then she was kind of looking at the TV. So I said, fuck it. And I shut it off. And it just did the whole, you know, A, Apple, B, bat, C, cupcake, D, dinosaur. I forget what E is, you know, and I go through the whole fucking thing. Anyways, so now I'm sitting here. It's Wednesday night. I'm doing this fucking podcast because tomorrow is Valentine's Day. And I have to somehow stay awake and fucking go out and go do my spot tonight

and run my goddamn hour. All I got to do is just get behind the wheel of the car and that'll wake me up. I'll stick my head out the window like fucking Ace Ventura, you know, pet detective. I'm run down this little fucking hole in the wall. I'm going to run my fucking set. And then that'll be it. I'll be good. But what the thing is, is I've been getting up, I've been going to the fucking gym again in the morning. All right. And I'm slowly, I'm to the point where my shoulder is strong enough where I'm almost to the point I can do a dip after this rotator cuff fucking nightmare is finally, I, I did, I did it so fucking wrong. I kept babing my shoulder till I had that frozen shoulder shit, right?

Now I've had to go all the way back and I just keep having setbacks. But what I finally learned is when I go on the road and I can't go to the gym, when I come back, I can't pick up where I left off. And I can't even just go five pounds down. I have to go 15 pounds down or this thing flares up again. So I finally figured that out. So now I'm to the point where I take the, the, the dip bar, you can adjust it all the way down. So I'm basically my feet are on the floor and I'm just sort of bending my legs doing the dipping motion. So now I've got it to the point where I'm just sort of, you know, when Michael Jackson would come up on his toes, I'm kind of like that. So I'm supporting most of the weight of my legs, but more and more, the upper body is going to

support it. And I got to tell you the day I fucking do a dip, then I know I'm getting close. And I've been doing, I, I, this guy sent me an email about some shoulder exercises. And I've been doing this thing where I just sort of hang from the chin up bar, you know, with my feet on the ground, but every day I do a little more of the upper body holding the weight, you know, incrementally, ever so fucking slowly. And then I think eventually the person I'm working with is telling me, because of my body weight, I need to basically be able to do lat pull down machine like 120 pounds, three reps of 15. And when I do that, then I can attempt to do a pull up without fucking up my rotator cuff and starting all over again. It's been a long, slow fucking road

for an old bastard like myself. But anyways, I'm very excited about slash apprehensive about doing this, this special coming up by just, I fucking, this is the part that I hate is having to be disciplined. Because like tonight, I would just go down, I'm just fucking go off and I have to go down and actually work. And I'm a lazy fucker. So I don't, I don't like working. I'm being a big goddamn baby about it, but I'm going to go down, I'm going to fucking get it done. And then next week, everybody is the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefits. So I'm going to be in New York City doing that benefit the next night, Wednesday, I'm actually going to be do a nine o'clock show at Carolines on Broadway. I've not headlined there and probably a decade. And that is the

first place that headlined me in New York City. They used to have to pull the curtain. And I would draw like 30 or 40 fucking people, anybody could drag off a time square. And that's when me, Patrice Norton, everyone for my graduating class was just starting to like close out a show on a on like a Tuesday night or whatever, man, it's a really cool thing. So it kind of takes me back to all of all of those times. So and then I think I'm in New York for the rest of the week. So I'll be bouncing around doing spots all around the city, just stay in shop. And then I go out from New York, I'm going straight over to Great Britain. And then I just bang out

about five or six shows there. And then I do, I do two nights at Royal Albert Hall on the fourth and the fifth. And I knock this fucker out. And after that, oh, all this fucking crazy political talk and all this negative shit that I've been doing right now, it's just because I'm under the pressure. Don't even fucking listen to me. Okay, the world is not as bad as I'm fucking saying it is. I just, you know, I just got to get on the other side of this fucking thing. And once I do, then I'm good. Finish right in the rest of efforts for family. And then the rest of my year is just opened up. And then it's my favorite, favorite fucking time. Right after a special, you have no fucking act. And I get to go on stage

and just fucking bomb. It's my favorite thing in the fucking world. And then also be like, I don't have to put on another special for a couple of years. This is beautiful. It gives a shit if I'm doing a fucking Ronald Reagan impression. I did the ice house the other night. I had a fucking last night, ran the hour out there, whatever the fuck I did. Had a great time out there. You know, worked with Bartnick, fucking Joe de Rosa, J K to pray to cat afraid of trying out some new shit. I always have to try out the new shit. I can't just like do my fucking act. I swear to God. And I feel like I'm doing my goddamn taxes. So anyways, you know what,

let's look up some fucking headline news. So you can quit listening to me talking about me. I got to start having more guests on this fucking show. I think I've exhausted anything I can fucking talk about about myself here. All right, here we go. Oh, look at that. I'm looking at UK Openers. This is Ian so and so. This is fucking something, something, something. All right, Google Google News. All right, let's see what's going on here. Oh, by the way, you know something, I just saw the original, you know, the original, you know, that's fucking children's book chicken little, you know, that stupid goddamn, the fuck is it that goddamn chicken? Nacorn falls on his head. He says the sky's falling. He runs around and gets everybody all,

you know, go in a fucking panic. Original chicken little story. And I got to type in Fox. Okay, the original chicken little was a story called Henny penny. All right. Now chicken little, I don't even know how that fucking story ended, but it didn't end up with anybody fucking dying. But Henny penny chicken little has an acorn falls on his fucking head. And whatever, yeah, Henny penny, Henny penny had a fucking blah, blah, blah. Then he runs into ducky fucky and he said that the sky's falling and then ducky fucky and Henny penny went up to when went to fucking Lucy goosey. And then they have the sky's falling and then Lucy goosey fucky ducky and Henny penny. That's how they do it, right? It's every fucking bird you could

possibly goddamn eat freaking out that the fucking sky is falling. And then they run into a Fox. The Fox like, Hey, man, what are you guys all freaking out about? And any penny ducky, fucky and the fucking Lucy goosey all go other the sky's falling. Jesus Christ. And he goes, Oh, you know what? I live in a cave. Come on over here. We'll fucking be safe. And then the story just ends with the Fox and his little fucking Fox cubs, whatever you call them with big smiles on their faces, because they fucking ate them. That's how it ended. That was the original. And people were saying that it was too, you know, too fucking dark or whatever the fuck it was. But you know, so I have a theory about those old or original or some of the old stories like

or Disney shit like Bambi and why the parents die and all that shit. You know why that is why it was so fucking dark back then because people fucking died. People were hungry. You had to go out and kill an animal. You didn't just go down to fucking, you know, goddamn Ralph's and get a chicken breast. You had to kill that fucking thing. Watch it flap its wings for the last time. Take out the entrails be covered in blood and all of that shit. It was a fucking gory mess. People got tuberculosis. They got fucking they got polio. All kinds of horrible shit happened back then. They had gross on their goddamn faces. It was fucking difficult. So that was probably a cute story. You know, because they knew so much about wildlife back then,

like, yeah, you know, the Fox, the Fox is fucking smart, man, you know, I have no idea. I don't know. I just found that fascinating that, you know, nowadays, if you do that, oh my god, that's gonna fucking it'll be a tragedy. Oh, look at those conference all stars. Please have it my size. They got they brought the old Dr. J back. Please have my size. How does the internet know? All right, there it is. Oh, there's an ad. Let me see. They got my size. They never have my size. It's always fucking sold out. Oh, this is so why did they wait so long to bring the old fucking Dr. J leather? Converse all star back. It's such a clean looking fucking sneaker. All right,

all sizes. What do you got? What do you got? They got my size. Get the fuck out of here. All right. I'll fucking buy it. I'm going to click on buy. Here's how it work. Make a bid, make an author. Hey, here's how it work. Fuck your sneakers. How about that? You cunts. The fuck was that all about? You want this sneaker? We have your size. All right, I'll buy it. All right, here's how it works. What do you mean this is how it works? All right, let's get back to the fucking news here or get to the news. I haven't got to Google Maps is using giant virtual arrows to stop people from getting lost. Jesus fucking how much more can they help you with this thing? Oh, this is my new pet peeve. You know, when you scroll past the fucking video

they want you to watch and then it just goes down with you stalking you. Anyways, here we go. Google Maps wants to make it easier for people to find their way to busy urban spaces. And it thinks large cartoon arrows can help. Oh, I guess this when you're walking down the street. Related article how Alexa knows the difference between a breaking window and a wine glass. Oh, Jesus. Should I just embrace this shit? Should I just bring this robot bitch into my fucking house? Don't call me a bitch. All right, on Monday, Google Maps began letting some users test a new augmented reality feature in its mobile app that shows graphics such as highlighted arrows and street names floating in midair over a live view from their

camera on their smartphone screens. It's meant to help them navigate city streets. Ah, Jesus Christ. Could there be a more boring fucking article? What kills me is that there's an entire generation of kids that get excited by this. All right, deck of cards with my face on it. Okay, this is more exciting to me. All right, custom photo cards. Oh, he can actually do this shit. I fucking take a picture. My goddamn nuts. Of course, it's a mother hugging her child. Who the fuck's going to put that on a deck of cards? This is cards. These things are dirty. They're filthy. People lose money. All right, they lose relationships with these things. Let's let the luckiest deck of cards you're ever going to design.

Wait a minute. Let me put this up here. Booze, picture, deck of cards. This is what kills me. It's fucking stupid. This is going to actually hit something, right? Someone's going to have already done this. All right, here we go. Images. Just here for the booze. Somebody got that on their fucking cards. I'm like a chocoholic but for booze. So, look at me. It all comes back to booze. Just here for the booze. That's something else I like to do. I like to just Google search asshole things. Are alcoholics just weak? Oh my god, somebody said, are they selfish? Apps are fucking loosely. Are alcoholics selfish? Here we go. Let's read this trashy. A deeper look into why alcoholics are so selfish. It's a disease, man. All right, many people seem to think that addicts

and alcoholics are quite selfish, especially when they're using. Oh, do they fucking get me here that they're not going to say they're selfish? Chances are if you had a loved one who was in an active addiction, we'd like to invite all active addicts to board next, please. Then you've experienced the selfishness of an addict firsthand. No, I'm talking about just like even when they're dry. Will all recovering alcoholics become less selfish? Unfortunately, no. Oh, I love this site. Not all recovering alcoholics will be willing to address their selfishness. In reality, there will be some super selfish people, including narcissists that will continue to be self. Well, I mean, they could say that about anybody, right? I'm just being a dick. Are alcoholics

weak? This is actually fun searches to just search shit that's okay. Alcoholics are not powerless human weakness behind alcoholism. That's not a good one. Let's let's let one last search here and then I got to wrap this up. Our most feminists. I can't spell it feminist dumb. It's not feminist to pour bleach on man spreaders. It's just stupid. Whoa, Jesus, what are they doing that? Why anti feminism is a logical, evil, and incredibly unsexy? Well, I want to be sexy. I thought being a feminist meant I couldn't wear lipstick or crave men with small behinds. I thought that Oh my God, can you imagine actually clicking on that? Why the fuck would I read that? Why did why what teen did to her teacher? What teen did when her teacher said

not to be a feminist? Do people just make these stories up? The results of this may surprise you. All right, it's not feminist to pour bleach on man spreaders. It's just stupid. I had no idea that that bothered women so much to just sit there. It's like we got dick and balls. We have stuff hanging off of us. You know, you got to make some room there. It's an all tucked away all nice and fucking tidy like your shit. All right, feminism does not deserve to be undermined by idiotic acts that set men against women. Oh my God, God bless this woman. Now he is a nice rational fucking person you could talk to. This is my new video manifesto dedicated to the problem of man spreading the disgusting act that is being fought with around

the world. And it is hushed up in us. Men demonstrating their alpha manhood in the subway with women and children around. It has nothing to do with that. We're just sitting there. You built the whole backstory. Like you're sitting there. Look at my dick and balls. I will take up as much space as I want with my privates. If you quickly show what kind of macho you are, we will publicly cool you off. This video manifesto was created in the assistant with friends who share my position. I guess this is I guess it's a video of a woman pouring bleach on guys. All right. Anyways, did you hear the one about the Russian student who was so fed up with man spreading that she took to the subways of St. Petersburg to

spray diluted bleach on men's crotches? Hilarious, right? I got to admit that's fucking funny. And this woman says wrong. Look, I hate man spreading as much as the next unreasonable feminist. It's antisocial. It's rude. It's displays an arrogant disregard for these people sitting around you. It's behavior that women just wouldn't get away with. What are they talking about? You use the fucking men's room. The line is too long in the ladies room. You have no respect for our personal space. These fucking women, they're out of their fucking minds. I'm not saying they don't have some legitimate bitches, but the way they're acting like they're not doing anything wrong, it's just fucking anyway. So let's let's let's read a little more. And to be clear, I don't mean

that I'm advocating for men sitting with their legs clamped together. Lady, I don't give a fuck what what you're acting like you're you're you're like you got some sort of legal legislation here that just got passed and then I have to adhere to this. Anyways, I don't need I don't either unless I'm wearing a short skirt, nor am I insisting that men should cross their legs at all times. Oh, thank you. Thank you for that. And that existing that the existence of their penis is no barrier to doing this. Some may say crossing their some men say crossing the legs is fine. Some men say it isn't not having a penis myself. I don't feel in a position to be the final arbitrator on this pressing matter. This is not a press. This is one of the don't this is just like, you know,

global warming. Who gives a fuck about that? Corporations dictating our foreign policy. Who gives a shit about this men trying to sit comfortably on the subway? Anyways, I think that's the end of the podcast. This was a very weird podcast. But you know what it did? It got me to within two hours of when I have to go and I got a late night spot tonight. It's all I'm saying. I'm an old man. Oh, but do do do me on these me on these sitting in the fucking rain to do do do me on these me on these they're nice and soft. So there's no pain rubbing on your balls from the left and the right. You're going to sleep all fucking night cause your balls are soft with fucking me on these unlike those tidy whiteies heating up your balls. All right,

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a $50 value and available for a limited time. This makes me want to sign up for it again. Two free filet mignons and free bacon. This is a company that understands America. Butcherbox.com slash burr and enter burr at checkout. Okay. Thank you for listening to this absolute fucking bullshit of a podcast. I'm actually having, oh, I have a big guest coming on for the Monday morning podcast. I got Jason Reitman, who I was lucky enough to work with on the front runner. And that movie is coming on to all the streaming services. I believe maybe today it came on or sometime soon. So Jason was nice enough to agree. I asked him come on the podcast so he could come on and promote that movie. It's one of my favorite things that I've done. So we're

going to talk that. We're going to talk movies. He's going to be, I think, directing the next Ghostbuster movie and all that type of stuff. So that's what I'm going to have for you on Monday. And other than that, we got a little bit of music here. And after that, we'll have another half hour of a throwback Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. God bless all of you, especially all the strong brave women who listen to this. Without you, the world would be nothing. Okay. And I'm closing my legs as I fucking hit stop on my recorder. I was bitching about Valentine's Day. You know, I always tease you about, you know, how we go out to celebrate our relationship, except I pay. By the way, how much fun was it going out on the

12th? It was really nice. It was great. Yeah, doing that from now on, right? It was the nice, quiet, romantic. There was none of the hype. We went to a really nice place. I'm not going to lie, it wasn't actually cheap, but I can't imagine what that would have caused. We would have been standing outside, you know, you and your little glitter dress, looking at the other girls and their glitter dress is going, do you like my glitter dress as much as hers? I should have got mine in poofy, shoo, shoo colors. So anyways, so I've been bitching about the ladies on this thing, right? Like, what do you guys do? And they're talking about this steak and a blow job day. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. All right. I like it. I'll tell you when you're in heaven, when not only can they,

no, I can't say it, when, when they're, when they're proficient in both of those categories, because there's a lot of people out there, they're going to say, all right, steak and a blow job day, and one of them isn't going to be up to snuff. And there is, there is a prevailing attitude amongst women that they are just automatically good in bed because they're there. And there's the prevailing attitude that men don't know what's going on. We don't know what's going where anything is. We're just happy to be at. It's a privilege, which is why this lady says the Valentine's Day. This is, this is from a lady. She said, Hey Bill, I heard what you were saying about women and Valentine's Day and how we don't buy our men gifts and we expect the whole day to be about us.

Well, here's what I did for my husband. Uh, by the way, I'm honestly not trying to sell you anything. He goes, I, she goes, I bought him the Liberator wedge ramp combo set. Uh, what's that? You might ask, I actually know about this from the opening Anthony show. They refer to it as a bedroom, as bedroom adventure gear. It's a set of cushions designed to help you achieve more positions during sex as well as deeper penetration. So no, we didn't go out to dinner. No stupid cards were exchanged. We simply stayed home and fucked all night. So choke on that. You douchebag. I love you, Bill. Go fuck yourself. I like this girl. Yeah, but you know what's funny about that? She's patting herself on the back. She bought something for herself. It's for both of them.

No, it isn't. What do you mean it isn't? It isn't. What is she going to do with it without him? I don't need deeper penetration. That's for you. That is, we'll see again. That's, that's the difference. What is the difference? She, no, I'm not saying that the guys don't satisfy their women properly, that they, that their dick isn't big enough. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about how she's patting herself on the back. Like she went out and bought this guy the NFL package for next season. Like she actually went out and bought something for him. She didn't at the very least, she bought something for them. But the real thing about that, that's for the woman. So he can hit it at that angle that you like so he can hit your spot so he can get in there deeper. Guys,

you don't appreciate that? No, I'm not saying I don't appreciate it. And I'm not saying it's not a great invention. But what I'm saying is she's acting as though like this was some sort of a sacrifice that she basically bought him something that would get her better dick. And she's patting herself on the back for it. It's fucking ridiculous. I think it's clever. It is clever, because she's acting as though she did something, but she didn't. See, this is, this is the thing about that is with the genius of women is you guys act like sex doesn't feel good for you too. You act like you guys allowing us to have sex with you, like you don't want it. And like this is like you like waxing a floor and it's just a big fucking pain in the ass. You know, she got something

that is like celebratory of their relationship as opposed to like the typical dinner. It's like it's about our intimacy. It's about our connection. So why don't we get something that will enhance that? Yeah, but this is the thing. I got to go out and buy you like some necklace or some. Do I get to wear it? I got to take you out to dinner, celebrate and I pay for the whole fucking thing. It's all about the guy going out spending money on you getting you shit that you want. And it's the pressures for the guy to show his love to you. Oh, I know a white guy who can dunk a basketball. All right, let's stop talking about the exceptions. I'm talking about the fucking rule here. All right. Okay, you know what I'm saying. Yes, I do. Okay. All right.

All right. There we go. Yeah, tapping out. Fucking tapping out. Why do women act like sex doesn't feel good to them? Why do you why do you guys? I can't answer that. I'm not like that. I'm not like that. So I don't know. I couldn't tell you. You don't have any insight. I can't keep this going. All right, let's keep going. I don't really know women that are like, oh, God, it's such a chore. Like maybe in the next 10 years or so. When I was when I was making women will be complaining about that. I don't know. But well, when I was making fun of Valentine's Day this weekend, some girl in the crowd was going like, you know, what I said, well, what did you do for it? And she goes, she he got to hit this and points to herself. Yeah. It's ridiculous. Yeah.

Yeah. What can I just show up and be like, Hey, you get to suck this lady? Never. Yeah. Never. You never get to do that. Right. I don't know. This is what it is. This is what it is. If guys could ever stop being such fucking sluts and giving it away. That's why women women don't respect dick is because it's so easy for them to get it. If you'd stop giving it away, if you if every guy would just start the day and fucking rub one out, right, world would be a lot more peaceful, at least until two in the afternoon, by then your balls fill up again, start getting competitive. Why is his cubicle bigger than mine? I mean, what I'm saying here, it's just, it's, you know what it is? It's just one of those things that balances it out, right? I can choke slam you

on the floor and you can cut off the sex and that balances out. But it's illegal for me to hit you. But for some reason, it's not illegal for you to cut off the sex. And that right there people is what's known as the tipping point. That's how you lose. Hey, what's going on? It is Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 14th, 2011. Happy Valentine's Day. You bunch of fags. The fuck is wrong with you, huh? All you douchebags out there buying flowers and fucking candy at CVS. That is in love. Huh? You bunch of fucking sheep. What are you doing? The fuck is wrong with you? Somebody out of nowhere tells you this is the day you got to go tell that fucking pain in the

ass that you love her. What's she doing for you? Huh? Is she paying for dinner tonight? Did she have to go make reservations? What the fuck is she going to do other than get ready? I got news for you. She's not doing a fucking thing. All right. So why don't you save yourself some money? Pick a fight with her today. All right. Anything she says to you, just be like, that's what this is what I'm talking about. And then just storm out. You know, and just let her leave 40 messages. You're not picking up and it's scaring me. Okay. Just let's work it out. And just wait till tomorrow. Just wait till tomorrow. There's plenty of reservations that fucking candy 75% off. Come on, people. Come on, fellas, you're better than this. You're better

than this. Don't get, don't get sucked into this stupid ass fucking holiday. I know what you're thinking. Well, what are you going to do with the fuck? I'll tell you what the fuck I'm doing. I sat down at a nice, mature conversation with my woman and I said, listen, this is fucking stupid. All right. Every restaurant's going to be packed. You know, would you care for the heavily she gone for $900? Can I just grab your fucking waiter face and just shove it in something right? Whatever. You know what I'm saying. I actually worked it out with my girl this year. I said, listen, I'll take you out on the 15th. All right. I'll take you to a nice, fine restaurant where there'll be plenty of goddamn tables. There won't be some sad

fucking immigrant with flowers coming by with an accordion every five seconds. She's taking the night off. We can sit there and actually enjoy the goddamn meal for only 30% markup as opposed to 200%. What I'm trying to say, people, is if you want to find out if you're with someone who's cool, just see if they'll celebrate Valentine's Day on like the 16th or the 15th, you know? It's like Vegas. Go there right after the New Year when everybody's fucking broke. That's when you go, you get a hotel room for like seven bucks. Oh yeah. I'm telling you, go on fucking orbits. You think I'm lying to you? Whatever. I hate this holiday, all right? I'm not a fan of love, so this holiday annoys to shit out of me. And you know, fans of my podcast should realize,

do I flip out like this on flag day? I don't. I don't care if you have a flag. I don't have a problem with it. You know why? Because there's no fucking social pressure for me to go out and get one. What kind of flag did he get you? Oh, he only got you that one? Do you know what that one means? Why don't you fucking shove it up your twat and dry it out? Why don't you do that? Oh, Jesus, Bill. Jesus. You're going to get that dirty this early? Yes, I am. Listen, people, I have some new information for you that pertains to the podcast. I have a new email address. From here on out, if you want your shit answered or read on my podcast, this is the email that you have to send it to. Bill at themmpodcast.com, all right? Once again, Bill, B isn't Bill,

I isn't ill, LL, Bill at themmpodcast.com. That's where you send it. And if you could help me out in the subject line, just write, you know, like, is it racist, advice, overrated, underrated? Just help me out a little bit. Could you guys, could you do that for me? For the love of God, could you lift your fucking fingers? Put it on the goddamn keyboard and help me out just a little bit. You know, look at you. Look at you with your large iced coffee just sitting there waiting for the world to fucking help you out. Isn't it time you fucking helped me out? Please send all emails to Bill at themmpodcast.com, put the goddamn subject in the title, in the subject line, put the title. That's what the fuck I'm trying to say here.

And by the way, I keep saying the official website of the Monday morning podcast, and I think I always forget to say the, it's www.themmpodcast.com. If you'd like to follow along in your cubicle at work on a plane, whatever the fuck you want to do. So I'm actually doing this Sunday night. Once again, I'm going to put it up nice and early. So all my, my 17 fans in Great Britain and my two fans in the Scandinavian area will actually get it on Monday morning. So I don't have to listen to people fucking bitching at me. I just went to a, I went to a Grammys party. Can you believe that? Happy me went to a Grammys party. I lasted an hour and 20 minutes and I watched the first little number there where they had the five whaling whores,

you know, just screeching like a bunch of goddamn alley cats. Like, how did, how did that become singing? It's like they are amazing singers. All right. The black chick who used to be the fat chick is now the skinny chick. She's out there whaling, shaking her fucking weave around. Kristina Aguilera with their fucking booze face, right? And her little fucking special Hori Mike stand. She's whaling away. Then they had, it was that, that Kathy Griffin looking chick, all of them, the old Whitney Houston looking broad. They dragged out all just hitting every note that they could possibly hit every 12 fucking seconds. They sounded like a bunch of fucking alley cats. Whoa. Hey, yeah. Oh, shut up. All of you. The fuck is wrong with you? Sing the goddamn song.

You know, you're fucking hold on to it and then you surprise people, then you unleash it. Just get up there fucking screaming like someone's standing on your foot. That's not fucking singing. All five of them. Somebody's just needed to sit them down. Oh, and then that, that fucking emaciated one comes out. Lady Gaga, right? You know what? I can't stand. I hate paint by numbers shock. I can't fucking stand it. And but it's a, it's a, it's a very smart career choice. She was, she was on the red carpet and she fucking was in a, what the fuck was she in? What is a proper medical ovary? What the fuck was she was in a womb? Her womb is so polluted. She was in a fucking womb, right? I mean, that is like fucking page one of stupid ass,

like a stupid college student film from like 1963. That was like shocking when Jim Morrison first started shaving. All right. Jesus Christ, you show up and the fucking thing morgue used to be in that's supposed to be artistic and everybody's supposed to be, you know, and I'm going to tell you fucking right now, she's going to be around for 40 fucking years because people who do that shit, it's, I don't, I don't know. What's, what's she going to do next? Is she going to show up next year in like an old shoe and then come out dressed in like a sock mini skirt, you know, commenting on the shoeless people in the fucking world. And then she goes out and she sings basically a Madonna song. I was at the party and everyone was singing Madonna song over it and it, and it,

meshed perfectly with it. Express yourself. Sounded like what she was singing. And then she had all these fucking people dancing around her, right? And then they have like that expressionless, like post-apocalyptic makeup on, you know, that they, it just was fucking horrific. And at that point, you know, at this point, I'm in the kitchen and I'm eating a fucking slice of cheesecake. Just for what? What am I eating it for? You know, why am I eating, I'm just doing that so I can avoid that other shit. It was horrific. I had a real brutal day. I got a flat tire on my Prius. Ah, fuck. It was just, you know, it was one of those deals where the front left tire was low. All right. And I see that it's low. So I go to a gas station,

I go, I'm like, well, that's odd. So I put air in the tire. This, this whole fucking thing was my fault. Right. So I put air in the tire and then I just kind of keep an eye on it. And it's went down a little bit, but not as much as it had in back of my head. My brain's going like, dude, what are you, what are you a fucking idiot? Take it, take it over to somebody and check. You probably got a slow leak. Maybe they can patch it up, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I fucking blow it off. Start driving 70 miles an hour, just completely ignoring the fucking thing. You know, in the back of my head, the entire time I've owned the car, I'm like, you know, Bill, you know, okay, you know, this thing has one of those pieces of shit jacks that you have to assemble.

And then it has that little hand crank, like I'm trying to start like a fucking Model T in the early 1900s, right? I knew that. And I knew it was going to have some half ass fucking that L shaped lug nut thing that you can get like half a pound of torque on. And there's no way to get the lug nuts off because they fucking put them on with that thing. And they don't, they, they don't stop after it's tight. And they go, they fucking, there's no way to get that thing you need. I knew what I needed. I needed a, you need a big piece of pipe that you fit over that piece of shit. Right angle fucking lug nut thing. And then you can, you can take them off. And I didn't have it. So whatever. So I went to go do, I went to go do the long shot podcast.

All right, I was doing that fucking thing. And I'm driving out. And I'm, I just hear this noise and my car wasn't moving smoothly. And I was like, do I have the emergency break on what the fuck's going on? And then I go, Oh God. Oh, Jesus. And I pull over and there I am riding on the fucking rim. So I'm like, nah, and I drive a Prius. So I'm already on four spare tires to begin with. Okay, God knows what the fucking temporary spare is going to look like. Turns out it looks like, you know, when you used, when you suck on a fucking life saver, a life saver, you know, you know, when you get to that point, right, when you ever just try to keep sucking on it without breaking it, you get to that point right before it breaks.

That's, that's what my temporary spare looks like. And the rim is painted bright yellow. I have a picture of it, which will be up on the mmpodcast.com. So anyways, anyway, I pull into a gas station, which back in the day, 12 guys would attack my car and would have the fucking thing changed before I even stopped. But now you show up, there's no garage at a gas station anymore, because that entire area is to sell fucking Ho Ho's and snowballs and gum. So I walk in, I say, Alison, I got a flat. Can you, can you call a tow truck? He goes, well, I mean, I can basically do what you do. I just call information. So I was like, I get it. I understand. This wasn't your dream in life, was it? Okay, I'll go fuck myself. So I go back out to the hotel, I go out to

the fucking, the goddamn parking lot, right? And immediately, you know, homeless people start approaching me like, like I'm in a zombie movie. You know, you can't, you don't notice if you just go to get gas at a gas station, you don't realize all the weirdos. But when you're fucking sitting there and you have a flat, and there's nowhere to go, they just they come out of fucking nowhere. And I'm like, why are they all these fucking homeless people at a goddamn gas station? I don't fucking understand. They don't have cars. They're fucking homeless, right? Why are they at the gas station? And it turns out I finally figured it out, especially in LA, which is everybody drives. There's no one to panhandle to you need to get them when they're getting out of their fucking

car. So they hang at the goddamn gas station. So these people keep showing up. You know, hey, man, can you give me a dollar? No, I can't go fuck yourself. All right, because you look like a drunk, sir, you don't look like a guy who lost his job. And he's down on his luck. You look like a fucking drunk. All right. Fucking loser. Get out of here. Get a job. You're a bum. You understand me? You're not homeless. You're a fucking bum. That was my attitude. Anyways, so so I call up, you know, I call up the tow truck, my friend, that shit, you know, then you call them back 20, 20 minutes later, my friend, my friend, the 20 minutes,

right? Fucking that goes on. 10 minutes was like an hour and a half. And I was a little not an hour and 15 minutes. And I was just sitting there going like, what I called it like three and like four, 10 past four, I was like, if this fucking douche doesn't get here by four 15. All right. I'm calling a friend. I'm going over to a hardware store and I'm buying a piece of fucking pipe and I'm going to I'm going to figure out my jacket. I'm going to do this myself. But fortunately, this fucking guy finally shows up with this giant goddamn truck, which he leaves running, which is fantastic, right? So we can just sit there breathing in the fumes and, you know, whatever, he fucking changed the tire, the goddamn tire.

And this temporary spare is so goddamn small. I just drove home with it and I parked the car and I'm like, that's it. I'm done. I'm driving this car home and then I'm driving it over to the dealership tomorrow. That is it. That is how small this fucking tire is. Like the what the fuck light was on on my dashboard with a temporary spare. So that's my fucking that was my goddamn day. That's what happened to me today, people. It really takes me 15 minutes to tell you, I got a fucking flat on my car. Are you really still listening to this? Are you upset with me? Somebody sent me this article. Actually, the person who runs the mmpodcast.com,

the official podcast page of the Monday morning podcast, sent me this article here. It's called The Day of the Lout, L-O-U-T from the Los Angeles Times. And it's written by actually by some guy, believe it or not. And it says, unsophisticated, lazy, misogynistic males may be the primary model for today's young American men. And I'm sitting there going, where the fuck is this guy seeing this? Because all I see is a bunch of pussy whipped fags. You know? All right. This is what he says, if you've seen a beer commercial in the last two years, and how can you avoid them? Well, you could read, you could TVO shows. See, right off the bat, this guy's a douche. He's trashing men and now he has problems with

beer commercials. How could you avoid them? I mean, really? He says, you know the type. He's a 20 or 30 something sort of a slacker with a beautiful and adoring girlfriend who just can't seem to pry his attention away from his suds. She expresses ardor. He looks ardently at his mug or can of beer. I don't know what ardor means. I don't even know if I'm pronouncing it correctly. She wants to talk romance. He wants to talk anything but she gets exasperated. He snuggles obviously with his beer and she departs in a huff. Most modern takes on manhood say that guys will do anything to bet a woman. But this is a new kind of man and he seems to be everywhere these days. Not just on beer commercials, but in movies, on TV, on hundreds of morning radio shows,

and in bestselling books to the point where he's generating a culture of new masculinity. He may even be the primary model for young manhood in America today. All right, this guy has clearly decided to just completely ignore how much women are fucking pandered to and how you can make a guy look like an absolute retard in any commercial. They always make the, for the most part, so many commercials make the guy look like the moron. You know, I'm not saying 100%, but can't they have a couple ones where the guy is a dick? I'm not saying in every commercial, every TV show, the guy's got to be cool and he should act like he doesn't give a shit about his wife, but I mean, I don't know if I should legally be saying this, but there's three things that

recently, how the fuck can I put this, show ideas, pilots that are being made out here in Hollywood, you want to hear them? Fuck it, who gives a shit? Okay, one of them was, the idea was for a guy who's the audition was to play a guy who actually speaks his mind, but the reason why he speaks his mind is because he got hit on the head and had a fucking aneurysm and he almost died, so then they're thinking, is this some weird side effect that a man is actually speaking his mind? I swear to God, this is a TV show that they're going to put millions of dollars behind and this is how he speaks his mind in the pilot. He actually, I might get in trouble if I see what the material is. He makes a comment about how big the girl's

ass is, but of course he likes it, he likes that her ass is big, so it's self-serving to women. Yeah, he's basically saying, yeah, it's great that now that we're married, you've become a dumpy fat fuck, sweetheart. I'm speaking my mind, totally pander into the broads, then there's another show that's in development. I guess I can talk about this, it's in fucking development, it's not a goddamn secret. This isn't, this is, I swear to God, this is the premise of the show. Two guys realize that it's a woman's world, so they decide to dress as women to get jobs at a pharmacy and through dressing like women, they become better men. I swear to God. All right, and this, I got all of these auditions in a week, I said no to all of

these, all right, because I would, I would become a, I would become an alcoholic. I don't give a, I don't need, I don't need that, all right, I'm already a fuck up, like there's no fucking way. And then the last one was a guy who is in the shadow of his spouse, his, his famous spouse and gets upset because he's always teased that he's the wife in the relationship and the guy's first name is Gail. You know, that's could go either way, like Gail Sayers. Yeah, so I don't know what the fuck this guy's bitching about and there's plenty, there's all those beer commercials where the women are going like, yeah, well, I'll tell you what's a good beer when you take your skirt off, you half a fucking pussy, right? All those ones and the

guy's wearing the tight jeans and looking like douchebags and having sunglasses on. So this guy just chose to look at this very small, this is like a guy, this guy, Neil, I bet he got the shit kicked out of him in high school by guys like this. I mean, what kind of a guy really gets annoyed by beer commercials? Really? Are they really dumb? Do they really fucking appeal to the lowest common denominator? Of course they do, you fucking moron, do you want some art? Go rent a good movie. Is he like reminiscing back in the day when they had good beer commercials, quality beer commercials, what, when they had those fucking lizards talking to each other? I don't know. Neil Gabler, go fuck yourself. God, what are you trying to get laid

this week? Is that why you had to write that? Louts. So anyways, did that go anywhere? Has this podcast gone anywhere? It's 22 fucking minutes in. Jesus. Oh, fucking Jesus. Let's actually let's read some things here. Yeah, Bill, that'll make it better if you actually start to read. You know what's funny was I sat there was at that goddamn Grammy party and I was trashing Lady Gaga. Knowing in the back of my head, it was annoying the shit out of my girlfriend. She absolutely hates my behavior when I go to parties. She can't stand it. She thinks I'm antisocial and she thinks when I say things, I just say do she things. I don't know what it is. She's someone who kind of goes along. I can't say she goes along. I don't

know what the fuck it is, but like she's not happy with me right now. She doesn't like that I made fun of Lady Gaga, who was evidently singing express yourself. I don't know. What the fuck was I supposed to do? I walked in there. I just I immediately didn't feel comfortable. I just, I don't know. All right, let's plow ahead here. How about some advice? I haven't done one of these in a while. Why don't I give something my bed? Oh, here's a guy bitching about two drink minimums at comedy clubs says, Bill, Jimmy Norton is my favorite comic. He's getting ready to go on right now at the Melrose improv. Yeah, Jim Norton played the improv right here in Melrose, right here in Los Angeles, Saturday night. So his favorite comedian is Jimmy Norton. And he says, I guess

he's writing this as the show's about to happen. He says he's ready to go on right now at the Melrose improv Saturday night. Guess who's not there? Not just me, but probably 50 other assholes that love him and would could would kill to see him. I know it's not Jimmy's fault. It's not any of the performer's fault. But are any of these cocksucking club owners aware that the economy that the economy is in the fucking toilet right now? No, sir, I'm sure they have no idea. Considering when the economy goes into the toilet, one of the first things people cut out is entertainment. Yeah, I'm sure they're completely immune to the economy economy. Sorry, my voice is cracking. He said, I've skipped most of the handful of live type events I've wanted to see for the last six months

or so because of this exorbitantly priced shit. How can these clubs justify selling the place out with $25 tickets to see the guy then charge their two drink minimum with their $8 beers, $6 bottled waters, and $10 mixed drinks? So when all is said and done, you've spent like $40 or more to see a comic. Who can afford that kind of shit? I don't know, sir, somebody with a paper route. You're really complaining that it costs $40 fucking dollars. Sir, this is how it works. Do you know how you have expenses in life? Club owners also have expenses. They have to pay the comedian. All right. They have to pay taxes. They have to pay to get a liquor license. They have to pay all of that shit. And then they have to pay their mortgages and all of that type of stuff.

And the reason why they have a two drink minimum is because tight fucks would go there and just order waters and they wouldn't make any money and they would go out of business. All right. Now, I'm not mocking you because you can't afford $40. I guess I kind of made fun of you, but what the fuck, sir? $40. How much does it cost to go to a football game? It costs $20 to park. All right. To go down and see the great Jimmy Norton for $40, you're going to fucking complain about that because you got to buy a couple of $10 Shirley temples. You know what your problem is, sir? I don't think you have your priorities straight. You know, look around your apartment. You know, what do you got? You got a George Foreman grill. How much does that cost?

You know, does it really work? You know, cooks chicken and fucking eight minutes. You know, how does that taste? Was that worth it? You ever see fucking George Foreman's house? He's got a geese so fucking rich he named all his kids the same goddamn name. That's how fucking rich he is. Like that. He doesn't even give a fuck that he do something like that. Sir, you're way out of line complaining about that. Okay. You know what you sound like? You sound like all these kids today who go on YouTube and they get upset when a video gets taken down. These fucking goddamn copyright cunts. It's like they don't seem to understand that things cost money. So you have to charge for them. And when you put up hundreds of thousands

of dollars to produce a film or song, a music or an album, that if people just take it and they put it on fucking YouTube, you don't get your money back. You know, so there you go, sir. Believe it or not, a comedy club, it costs money to run a comedy club. And not to mention, sometimes they give comedians guarantees. Like no matter if five people show up at 500, we still have to pay you this amount of money. And then when five people show up, they lose their goddamn shirts. It's not like they're making tons of fucking money every goddamn weekend. There's a lot of shit that goes into it. And like I said, you know, people are tight fucks. And if you didn't make them buy drinks, they would just sit there. They would booze in

the parking lot and then they would just fucking sit there and the club would go out of business. So I think $40 to see one of the top comics in the country. I think that's pretty goddamn reasonable. And you know, I don't have to tell you how much it costs to go to a fucking movie. At least half that is John Travolta standing there live, dancing for you. He isn't. I don't know. Am I being a dick here? Where did I lose the funny on this podcast? I said, because I already did an hour long podcast for somebody else today. I think I'm all podcasted out. All right, let's get to is it racist, racist? This is the new, the new fucking thing here that everybody seems to like. Is it racist? Bill, although I thought also thought I'd share

a little game that I used to play. I like this one right here. This is a great game. You know, I play that older Asian game anytime anybody cuts me off in traffic. Somebody says turn on this is a game I like to play. I turn on the TV. And without looking, I try to guess the race of the person talking. I call it the Tony Gwin game. Now, for those of you who aren't sports fans, Tony Gwin is African American and he sounds like a deaf jam comic imitating a white guy. If you closed your eyes, you wouldn't even think that you were listening to a white guy. You would think you were listening to a black guy imitating a white guy. He talks like he basically like, yeah, I was talking to Ted Williams the other day and he's really big on heading and I'm not,

I can't even do it. I'm not even doing it. Well, not even doing it justice. I asked him how to hit the inside out curveball. Tony Gwin game. Yeah, because he is the wild card. Do you guys think it's racist? Like I remember back in the day with the OJ trial when someone said they heard some yelling and it sounded like a black guy and people tried to say that that was racist and it's like that is not fucking racist. You know what I mean? If you heard somebody on the other side of a fence going, oh, that's a very smart, right? Would you be like, oh, that's I think that that guy could be Italian. Sorry for my hacky, fucking Asian offensive accent there. But you know what I mean? Like if you were to listen to me, not only would you know I was a guest that I

was a white guy, you would guess that I was from the East Coast, wouldn't you? Just because you can guess who the fuck somebody is doesn't mean it's racist. That's like somebody, somebody sent me an email said, Bill, he goes, your older Asian game is racist as shit. I'm sorry. That was the person's entire fucking email. It's like, well, can you, can you elaborate a little bit so you can enlighten me? Your game is racist as shit. Oh, well, you know, thanks for clearing that up. I don't know what you're apologizing for. I hate what people say. I hate that. That's like that fucking, you know, you know, I listened to your act. I didn't like it. You know, I'm sorry, but I didn't.

Like why are you apologizing? I hate like that whole like you're just assuming that you fucking hurt my feelings. I don't give a fuck if you think my game is racist or not. I know it isn't. I don't, I don't have any bad feelings towards old people or Asians. I'm just addressing the fact that most of the time out here when somebody does something fucked up, you know, is it racist to say white people can't dance because we can't? There are examples. John Travolta, I believe I already brought up that man can dance, but it's not racist. If somebody, if somebody black told me said, you know what, white people

cannot fucking dance. You guys don't have any fucking rhythm. I, I, when I sit there and that's not racist, I'm sorry, but it isn't. You know, that's something I actually that hasn't been brought up in this whole is it, is it racist, racist topic that I'm doing here is I think that before you fly off the fucking handle and get offended, you have to at least, you know, not all the time, but 10% of the time, don't you feel that you kind of have to own up to the fact that how do I put this? It's, it's like when Arabs got upset after 9 11 when they were, they were getting searched for no fucking reason other than the fact that they were Arab. And that's definitely offensive. It's definitely fucking annoying. And, and all of that type of

shit. But on some level, don't you feel you have a responsibility to address the 18 Arabs that fucked it up for you? You know, it's like that white people can't fucking dance. All right. Or they can't jump or whatever. I mean, what am I supposed to do? You know, how offended are you? But at some point, you got, you kind of got to like, there's one for you. Let me, let me read this shit here. That raises my computer goes out. Bill, I can't really use names, but I have a friend who's a lineman for a division one football school. He has a friend who plays in the NFL as a wide receiver. He, the, the wide receiver is also white. My friend, the lineman told me that the wide receiver

told him that he's tried out for four NFL teams. Two of the four told him his chances of making the team were not good because he was white. I've had a few argument with people, is it racist? Should the NFL, should the NFL teams even mention the fact that he has less of a chance because he's white? Well, no, they shouldn't because eventually someone's going to sue over that. But that comes to that point I was making where you also got to understand where the stereotype came from. All those slow fucking white guys, you know, I mean, one of the reasons why I think Dan Marino never won a Super Bowl was because of fucking the Blackledge brothers. He had two white cornerbacks. You can't win a fucking Super Bowl with two of them, maybe one, but I don't think he

could win. I think he could win with two, right? Am I nuts? I remember the, the, the comic strip in, in New York City. I went down there, I auditioned in 1990. I went and asked to audition and the guy running the club told me, I already have enough white guys. And I knew a lot of comedians who got upset like that going, dude, that's fucked up. He would never say, I already have enough Black guys. And so, well, first of all, there's only like eight Black guys working here. So he wouldn't say that. And I, I understood what he meant. I knew what he meant. He meant, you better have a fucking point of view. Cause I have enough fucking suburban white guys that can go on and for 20 minutes be like, you know, and what's up with Bill Clinton, you know, end table. I mean, which end

do I put it on? What's, you know, scram is stuff is all in the papers. You know, like he had enough people doing, I totally understood what he was saying. He just kind of cut through the fat. I got enough fucking white comics, go in there and do something different or I have no use for you. I understood that. And the only people who fucking complained were lame ass white comedians. So what am I saying here? Am I justifying? I didn't want him fucking saying it. I feel like I'm justifying it here. I'm not, I'm not justifying it, but I also, I'm just saying you got to tone down the sensitivity here a little bit, you know, right? Older Asian is not racist as shit. There's an element of fucking truth to it. And there's no hatred in my heart when I do it.

I just do it for the laugh. I don't drive around screaming about Asian and old people saying we need to get them out of the fucking country. I've had it up to here with their goddamn driving. They're ruining this country. They need these old people need to go back to what from where they came from is another one. So anyways, Bill, tonight I was watching a TV show and I saw a commercial for the Chris, for Chris Rocks Broadway show. They never said the show's name and simply referred to it as the title you can't say. And on the screen, the second word of the title was black, was blackened out, and it read the blank with the hat. I immediately thought the N word with the hat. I was also interested in seeing the show. So I promptly googled it with no results. I then went

to Chris Rocks website only to find the title to the show was the motherfucker with the hat. I proceeded to laugh and then thought of you and your bit. Is it racist? So was that racist, Bill? I was on the edge, but generally thought it was funny. Would love to hear your thoughts and your girlfriends too. Well, Nia's not here right now. She's mad because of my behavior at the Grammys, at the Grammy party. Do I think it's racist? No, that's what I would have guessed. You know, it's such a big deal is made out of that word. The title you can't say. Chris always does edgy stuff. That's what I would have gone with. You know, I'm surprised you can't say the motherfucker with the hat at this point.

I watched 60 minutes tonight and Andy Rooney said goddamn. And they didn't bleep it out. So do I think it's racist? No, I think I don't. No. A lot of people would think it was just because you thought the N word fit in there. But I maintain this. Maybe I'm fucking wrong. You guys can email me. But I really think it comes. What's in your heart when you're thinking that? I mean, you were just thinking all the word. You can't say the title. You can't say it's always saying, you know, the N word. White people can't say it. You can't say that. You know, so I know I don't think that that's racist.

And I would have laughed too when I've read that it was actually the motherfucker with the hats. No, no, I don't. All right, here we go. Hey, here's another one. Hey, Bill, huge fan. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Anyways, I have I have is is it racist question at my job. I work with the guy who's not really Mexican, but his father is. So what does that mean? Because he's not 100% Mexican because he's had that would make him half Mexican. You know, what are you saying? He's like a light beer in the Mexican version of that. So anyways, he's not really Mexican, but his father is. He's from Arizona, but he looks the type.

I don't get any of that. So he's half Mexican, but he looks full on Mexican. Is that's what is that what you're saying? I don't think this one's going to end good. I'm going to go on out on a limb here. We're okay friends, but he can be a huge dick sometimes. And occasionally I say something that could be considered racist, like shut up beiner. But this one time he was working really hard. And I just walked by and said, you people always, you people always working hard for little wage. And he was being a huge dick that day before I said that. And he just laughed and we moved on. My question is, is it racist to say those type of things if the guys, if the guys being a complete jackoff and deep down you feel, you feel like it shows them they're being a dick?

Yes, I do think that's racist. I think if you just said shit like that as the joke and you guys were friends and you were fucking around, it isn't. But because of the way you're using it, like when he's being a dick, you feel like it, it shows them that they're being a dick by saying something racist to him. Yeah, you're kind of taking it out of the, the joking arena. And I'm going to teach this guy a lesson and put him in his place. So, and plus also your fucking kind of naive statements of he's not really Mexican, but his father is, but he looks the part. Yeah. Yeah, I'd say I'd be in a, you know, in a bar with you and probably, I don't know, about 20 minutes in, you'd say something that I would be like, you know, yeah, what did you say? Could you say

that? Could you repeat that? You know, trying with the jukebox noise in the background? You ever had that in a fucking bar? You just hanging out? Happens to me all the time on the fucking road back when I was boozing. I'd be out there and I would just be, I'll tell you one of the weirdest ones I ever had. I did this bit on Jamie Foxx Laughapalooza thing. Jamie Foxx, by the way, who plays my shit all the time on his channel on, on Sirius XM, the Foxhole. I've had more goddamn people come up to me saying, I heard you on the Foxhole. I thought you were funny. That's why I came up to my, out to your show. So thank you to everyone over there. But anyways, so I did this bit and it was a story that happened to me when I was, when I was in Nashville, Tennessee.

I was, I was drinking in the bar by myself. God, that sounds like such a great fucking idea. 120 days in people. Oh, does that sound like a good idea? Drinking by myself. God damn bar. I'm in Nashville, Tennessee and Terrell Owens, this is like, I don't know how many fucking years ago, but he was doing what he always does, starts off good with the team, then becomes a total fucking cunt. So I said, I said something to the effect of, can you believe this fucking guy? How much goddamn money do you need to make before you're not a dick? Like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? And God, it's been so long since I remember this. I'll tell you what the fucking problem is. Because the guy's a fucking and he just dropped the N word. And out of fucking no,

and I immediately was just like, I immediately, how was it? I immediately looked around. I was like, Oh, fuck, I'm going to get fucking some black dude is going to punch this guy in the face through my head because I'm standing next to him. Like I'm going to get fucking, they're going to think I'm with this guy. So that was, that's right. That's been a long time since I told the joke. That was the joke. So the joke was basically he dropped a fucking N word. That's right. He didn't say it with the A. He said it with the R and he didn't pull up on the R. He fucking stuck the landing. That's how the joke went. And I felt like I just wish it was somewhere I could just act like they wish it was some something that I could have done in that moment to immediately say like,

I didn't know this fucking guy. You know, I had no idea everything was normal. We were talking football and out of nowhere, he starts with this clan rally bullshit. So and I remember too, like I didn't roll with what he said. And I forget what I said, but he clearly knew that I was annoyed by him. And then he tried to fix it real quick. And try to say like, I'm not saying they're all like that. There are some good ones. And then it was fucking, it was like a fucking sitcom. And then five seconds later, some black dude comes walking in. Right. And then he's like, Oh, hey, how you doing? He's trying to be over friendly to the guy in some way to make up for the fact that he dropped the N word to me. And the whole fucking thing was

phony. And then I felt like he was dragging me into it. And I wanted to say to the guy at that point, like, Hey, why don't you tell that guy some of the shit you were just saying to me five seconds ago, you know, all that classic shit where you think of all the funny stuff you should have said in the moment, you know, 20 minutes fucking later. So anyway, so I basically I turned that into a bit and I did it on the laughapalooza thing. So like three years later, I'm in North Carolina, working this club. And afterwards I'm standing there and I'm talking to this dude who is like the most stereotypical redneck guy ever. You know, he's talking like this, but be like, if someone from the North did that accent on TV would be considered like offensive. That's like

how fucking hardcore this guy was, you know, you know, I was on my tractor the other day and I was listening to you, you know what I mean? And one of my pigs got out and I was laughing so hard, you stuff. I could barely catch him. I mean, like telling me stories like that, right? But then he starts talking about my comedy. And he was really breaking it down and just talking about like in a really intelligent way was breaking the thing down. I was taking my head like, this is why I love doing the road because you meet all these fucking people. You have all these preconceived notions. I'm a fucking looking at this guy. Like this guy's a goddamn hillbilly. And here he is breaking down comedy and my act in particular, like borderline on the level that

a comedian could. So I was like, Oh, this is why I love doing the road. This is why this is what makes you worldly. This is how, you know, it makes you stop thinking ignorant shit, you know, which is hilarious. All the ignorant shit I say in my pocket, whatever makes you less ignorant. So right as I'm having that feel good moment, thinking about this dude, I forget what the fucking, what the fuck happened. But then out of nowhere, he, he said, he was telling a story. Oh, and he actually alluded to the, to, he actually brought up the joke that I, the story that I told about being in Nashville and the guy dropping the N word. And he knew why it was funny. And he broke that whole joke down. He had this really red neck,

accent. And I was like, look at that. See, they're not all fucking racist, right? Then out of nowhere, he starts telling some fucking story, trying to make me laugh. And he go, and then his punchline, he'd gotten himself into some sort of predicament. And then his punchline was, I was more nervous than an N word than Mike Tyson. No, I was more nervous than an N word in a, in a, in a spelling bee or something. He dropped a fucking N word. And I remember going, and I just said out loud to myself, but the fucking music was so loud. I was just, I was just like, and then that happened. So I said to the guy, I go, dude, you just broke down that fucking joke where I talked about somebody doing that. And then

five minutes later, you do it. And he says, yeah, I love that joke. He like, he still didn't get it. And I three times I fucking went in trying to explain to him what the fuck just happened. Why would you do that? And just never fucking dawned on him. And then I just, he was talking to me and I just walked away like mid sentence. And I just fucking walked away. And what else? Then I went to the other side of the bar. And I remember there was these four chicks were dancing on the bar doing the coyote ugly thing. And one of them was a fat chick who was not sexy, but was dancing in a very sexy way. And I remember being annoyed at her. I was really fucking annoyed that she had the confidence to do that. I was

like, why you're her if you should be off the bar doing setups, you should feel shame. And you don't. And I don't know, normally that would have made me laugh, I guess, but maybe because what the fuck happened over. I just remember being really annoyed. I don't fucking know. Do you know I went on, I had such a fucked up week. I don't even know that fat chick just reminded me of something. I went to I went on a couple's date to a cheesecake factory. And in defense, they said, look, we don't have to go there. But you know, they got kids and shit, they just picked something quick. And you people know how I feel about the cheesecake factory. But I was like, you know, I don't give a fuck. It's better than apple bees. I'll go over there. It's, you know,

they're talking about going in an hour. So I go over there. I just want to tell you guys something just in case, just in case you don't know, the cheesecake factory fucking sucks. All right. That is horrible food, horrific, horrible fucking food. And the reason why I'm saying this is because every time I fucking walk by one of them, it is jam packed with people lying out the fucking door. Everybody holding those little vibrating things, waiting to get called to go into a fucking table, which is exactly what happened to us. And I went in there, I ordered the Kobe beef burger. I went as high up on the menu as I could. And I still felt like I fucking ate a part of my goddamn dresser, just sitting in my fucking stomach like a

goddamn old boot, horrible fucking food. Can you people please stop going to that restaurant? Somebody was telling me tonight, they don't even advertise on TV. They don't have to. People just lying out. They just think it's fucking good. Like Lady Gaga coming in and that fucking egg from the morgue show. You know what's going to kill me is, is when people are just going to talk about like how outrageous that was. You know who thinks like that type of shit is outrageous, people who fan themselves with their hands when they begin to cry. Have you ever seen people like that? When they start getting emotional, they fan their face.

I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore. Let's get to YouTube videos at this point. I'm really in a fucking grumpy ass mood. I had a bad burger this weekend. I had a fucking flat tire, got a goddamn yellow spare, goddamn breath mint for a fucking temporary spare. This is just a miserable fucking podcast and I wasn't in a good mood to. All right, YouTube videos of the week. NFL Trick Shot, White Quarterback. Check this. These are all on themmpodcast.com by the way. This fucking kid's amazing. I know a lot of them. Okay, how many attempts did he make to make the fucking throw, but there's a couple where he does like two, three tricks all in one take.

Very impressive. But at the end of the video, let me fucking hiccups. At the end of the video, can he read a defense? Here's another one. This kid, just a foot. If you want to see just a great fucking storyteller, I don't even know if this is the name of the video, but this is Baltimore storyteller. The fuck this guy tells a story about, oh, his dad sent him to the corner store for some bread and he has to get by some gang bangers. And this fucking guy, I watched like three of his videos. It's just phenomenally, just a phenomenal fucking storyteller. I love telling stories and nothing more I like than listen to a great storyteller. This kid's great. So check that out and check out all his other

videos. Midget wrestler goes flying. All right. If you ever wanted to see a midget in a dress up like a baby gorilla, get kicked by a fat bald guy. I believe the guy's bald and then go flying ass over tea kettle and land on another wrestler. This is the video for you and a funny drum video. I love this video because the guy's fucking hilarious. English seems to be his third language. Put it on the high head, the high head, the one, the one, two, three, okay? And the one, two, three, okay? That's literally, that's just how this guy fucking gives the drum lesson. But then he proceeds to play this fucking sick drum groove, which I still can't fucking play. So the guy's like, awesome. It's just like a second or third language.

Oh, and if you want to see another great wrestling, just a horrific, the WCW dungeon of doom full segment. I don't know who wrote this shit, but it is horrific in a phenomenal fucking way. What else do I got in here? Oh, here's some advice somebody wants. Bill, my girlfriend looks like a centerfold. Good for you. She's blonde. She has a beautiful face, a tiny waist and giant cans. I have outdone myself. Well, what the fuck, man? Don't sell yourself short. Maybe you're a stud. So he says, however, having a girlfriend of such caliber, as you might imagine, comes with its share of problems. Oh, Jesus, here we go. Like your good self, I battle keeping my temper under control at times and particularly struggle when my girlfriend

and I go out in public together. In short, the amount of male attention she gets is ridiculous. And at times it's infuriating. Have you ever found yourself out with a girl and notice that every man within a three mile radius from the sweaty 22 year old walking boner to the porky sexually frustrated father of three is blatantly staring at her tits in her ass. I've always been of the opinion that if a girl is obviously with a guy, whether you know him or not, it's a gentleman's code not to have a staring contest with her with her with her ring piece. I don't know what that means. What's that looking at her pussy? I have no idea. This guy's from Australia. If a girl is alone or with girlfriend, sure, objectify the shit out of her. But I think if a girl is holding

hands with their boyfriend and you make it obvious that your helmet is pressing against the inside of your front zipper, then you're a cunt. Nothing serious has happened yet, but the weather is getting warmer. The outfits are getting smaller and I'm concerned I'm going to wind up with I'm going to wind up with some perverts blood and quite possibly come on my hands all for now. All right. All right, this is a tricky situation, sir. You know, it's a very tricky situation. You know, there's a price you pay for everything. All right, you're the one who has a centerfold fucking girlfriend with a great ass and nice set of fucking tits. And you just, you just have to, this, this, this is, this is how I look at this shit.

As long as your woman isn't going around trying to get attention, if she's just fucking standing there and she's so goddamn stunning that men are looking at her. But, you know, she's not, ooh, I dropped my lipstick and then slowly bending over at the waist while looking over her shoulder. If she's doing that, I can tell you right now, bang her another couple of times and then fucking dump her because she's going to be an absolute fucking nightmare and you don't need that in your life. Okay. But if she's just a stunningly gorgeous woman, that kind of comes with it. And if you lose your fucking temper and you start acting like a maniac, that's a great way to eventually annoy this shit out of her.

And because she can't help it. Like I said, if she's not trying to get attention, she can't help it that she's gorgeous. And if you, then it's in this weird way, you're giving her shit for being herself, which is not fun for anybody. And then you're going to have a problem. So I don't know how to, you know what it's like? It's like, it's like when I whore myself out at the end of my shows and I sell DVDs. All right, I don't have to do that, but I choose to do it. And I'm standing as a choice I fucking made. And then I stand there and what's going to happen? I answered this. Yeah, this is one of these podcast questions. All right, eventually somebody's going to come up and they're going to fucking insult me. Tell me they didn't

like my act. Tell me they didn't think I was as funny as when they saw me on TV and I can't get mad because it's my fucking fault for standing there like an asshole. Just, you know, I put myself on the dunking stool and I got to admit, sir, if your girl is the way that you describe her, you just have to accept that it's par for the course and just give yourself a little halftime speech before you go out. You know, I'm not going to lose my shit. But if it is overt, there has to be a way that you can fucking address it without pissing her off without, you know, you also don't want to get into a fucking fight. I don't know, just say, buddy, can you limit it to like, you know, five second shifts of staring at her? I can't say tits.

I don't know what you do. Dude, that's, that's a rough one. That's a rough one. Man, that takes me back to being Jesus Christ. I was like 21 years old. I went on this, I went out on a date with this girl who was well out of my fucking league just because I didn't have the confidence to fucking be with her. You know what I mean? Beautiful girl and I went out with her and I noticed she just kept looking around the restaurant to see who was looking at her. And I remembered it annoyed the shit out of me, but I, I didn't have any experience with beautiful women. So I just sort of accepted it. And, but I never went out with her again. It just, it drove it, I saw, I tapped out somewhere through the fucking dinner. Even back then,

I was an angry son of a bitch. I was like, let me get this straight. I'm buying you fucking dinner and you're looking around to see who else is staring at your tits. Yeah, you're a cunt. Good looking cunt, but a cunt nonetheless. Someday those looks are going to be gone and I'm just going to be left with a cunt, you know, who's going to be a psycho cunt because you're an attention whore. And when the attention goes away, you're going to be like some celebrity who fell off the fucking map. Fuck this bitch. Fuck this, you know, and that was the end of that shit. That is podcast is fucking horrific. Geez, I didn't even get going, man. You know what it is? I had a flat tire today. And I think that that's, that's been, that's a good symbol.

This whole podcast, I've just been riding on the rim. Ah, fuck, I got to start my day tomorrow down at the goddamn dealership. Just fucking douchebags. They got everything that's all wrapped up. You know, if you do anything to your goddamn car, if I go down to the goddamn auto zone and I get new wiper blades, I think, I think that cancels out my warranty. He's fucking cunts. So anyways, this was the lame podcast for this week. I know it had its moments. Who's getting who? It started off well when I was talking about those whaling horse. I actually had a nice little showbiz moment. A friend of mine got me tickets to the roots do this pre grammy jam where they're just the house band and

fucking, I don't know, 20 or 30 of the most legendary insane acts ever just come on stage and start singing songs with them and doing fucking whatever. And somebody got me a ticket, you know, hanging out, you know, somehow I got in there and it was fucking unbelievable. I think I came home that night and I downloaded like probably about $70 with the music, just the level of talent that was out there. And I'm an old guy now. So I don't know who the fuck. I don't know who the fucking Neo was telling me who everybody was. She was freaking the fuck out. Oh my God, that's fucking MC. So I have no, I don't know who the fuck they are. You know what? I tapped it when they stopped showing videos on MTV. I kind of like that last

wave. Jay Z Eminem. Was there any rock like by then it was all that emo shit. So I couldn't relate to any of that. You know, what is that fucking goddamn whining song about not giving up? They actually play that at sporting events. It sounds like a man crying. I don't, I know he's saying we will be victorious, but like just, it just, it could have been a better line read. You know, all that shit. That's when I tapped out all that my chemical romance. Uh, could I have another Kleenex, please? Whatever the fucking names of the bands were. I just, uh, I don't know. Everybody just sounded like they were crying. I couldn't handle it. Your sex is on fire. That guy fucking crying through all these songs. How does that fucking song go?

That was the better. That was the better. That was the better. That was the better. Remind me of the cure. That's how the guy in the cure used to sing. I would always love you. Um, yeah, I'm not into that shit. I'm sorry. Was that, was that annoying? Was that annoying? Is it just sounded in my fucking ears? Well, that music is fucking annoying. So I didn't know who anybody was, but, uh, you know, it was amazing was Booker T came out, who I didn't even, from Booker T and the MGs, I didn't even know the fucking dude was still alive. And it was such like a Paris Hilton. Oh my God. Oh my God. That's hot. Kind of fucking crowd that, uh, that they had no fucking idea who the guy was.

Uh, my favorite performer of the night was, uh, Chuck Brown came out and sang Bustin' Loose, and he was the shit. He came out on a leather and on leather fucking outfit with the fucking pimp hat. He sang the shit out of the song with the roots in the background and the roots are fucking unbelievable. And for guitarist out there, everybody knows Quest is the shit, but I was underrated. Kirk Douglas. They're fucking guitarist. That dude is fucking insane. I'm talking John the ground level playing. They just fucking, everybody in that band is just, it's, they're insane. And, uh, fortunately we were sitting close enough that I was just awesome. Like, you know me, I'm like a fucking geek for that shit. Like I wish I could be a,

if I didn't do this, I wish I could be a musician. So I like, I think, like anybody who can do that stuff, as I've trashed half the people on the Grammys, you know what I'm saying? But like musicians, people who play instruments, I'm absolutely fucking blown away by them. And just being close enough to watching somebody take a solo and just, you can just see just going off the top of, they're just feeling it and just doing it and coming out of it and then just fucking looking back at the drummer like, all right, let's, let's go back into this next part of it. And everybody seamlessly goes into it. You know, anybody who's ever played like a fucking garage band, you know, and, and just,

you know, had the courage to make a tape and you hear how fucking awful you are to actually hear live music and they played for like three fucking hours. I ended up leaving. I was so goddamn old. Like I'm at the age now where if I stand up too long, my back hurts like my lower fucking back, my feet hurt. It's, it's fucking terrible. I got to come home and sit in a goddamn tub of Epsom salt. But anyways, I downloaded a bunch of Chuck Brown shit. A couple other rappers I downloaded. I don't have my iTunes open right now. I don't, I don't know who the fuck they were. But it's kind of funny rappers now. They have that odd thing where they, they're wearing skinny, tight jeans, which I never thought would come back into style

again. Yet they're still hanging off their fucking ass, which drives me up the goddamn wall. Fuck, pull them up. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week. Oh, I am going to be in, I have two magnificent theater dates this, this, this fucking week because I'm a goddamn big shot. Let me see if I can open my website here and let you know what the hell these things are. This really isn't even technically the podcast anymore. This is just the outtakes. I am going to be at the Territown Music Hall in Territown, New York. And it's February 17th, which is a Thursday. Friday, I'm going to be at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, New Jersey. So come one, come all, I have a brand new hour of shit and I got a new killer fucking 15 minutes

that I'm absolutely loving. And every time I do it, it becomes a couple more minutes. You know, when those bits started with like four minutes, I just keep fucking elaborating and I'm planning on having a great time. So I hope all you guys can come out to that. For people who live in Florida, people always talking about that. Oh yeah, I got some fucking gigs here, man. Places I don't usually play. I have, I'm playing the New World Symphony and Symphony Theater on the 4th of March, Miami Beach, Florida. The Tower Theater in Philadelphia on April 9th. And the day, either the day before that or the day after that, I just added a date in Maryland. I'm going to put the date up tomorrow when it

gets all solidified and, oh actually outside, yeah outside of Baltimore. I have a gig and the Pap's Theater in Milwaukee, Wisconsin on April 22nd, April 23rd. I'm at the Royal Oak Music Theater in Detroit, Michigan. And also I added, I just put another date up, Jimmy Norton's Anti-Social Tour, the Miami Heat of Comedy Shows. It's stars Jimmy Norton, Jim Brewer, David Tell and myself. And we're going to be at the Fox Woods Casino in Mashatakat, Connecticut, on April 30th. Anybody in the New England area, Tri-State area, you got to come up for that one. I'm going to tell you right now, I worked with those guys. They're fucking, all of them are at the top of their fucking game. And I'm telling you, we did three shows when I was in Atlantic City.

And you know, you know, there's comedians, we don't watch stand up. We just don't after a while. But I stood on the side wall, watched all of them. They're fucking phenomenal. So please come out to those shows. That's it. That's the podcast for this week. You guys all have a good week. I don't know what else to tell you. Ah, fuck, I forgot to talk about the Bruins-Canadians game. Did you see that with all the old school fighting and the goal scoring? It was like fucking 27 to 26, I think was the final score with all the fighting. And I want to know Montreal, Canadian, what the fuck happened to your team? I'm not giving you shit about losing a game. It was only one fucking game. But I mean, you guys always had a tough guy all the way back to fucking John

Cortex, Chris Nyland, George LaRocchia, that guy was the toughest guy in the league. Why did you guys, all you had was, you know, I know the Bruins kicked the shit out of you guys, but I'm not an idiot. We beat up a bunch of goal scores. I felt bad for that last guy. Jesus Christ. He took like 20 uppercuts to the face and somehow ended up with two giant paper cuts. Google it, man. Maybe I'll have that YouTube video also on themmpodcast.com. But I'm telling you right now, if you're a fan of fighting in hockey, watch the game on March 8th when the Bruins and the Canadians play again, because I'm going to tell you right now, the Canadians are not going to sit back and take that fucking physical ass kicking that they took. And I can't wait to see the absolute

fucking animals that they're going to bring up for that game. You know, whatever has a lower, beyond Thunder Bay is what I'm guessing, what they're going to bring up. Just like some old school fucking guy, one of those white guys who has like an afro and a porno mustache. I think they're going to bring up a couple of those guys and it's going to be, it's going to be fucking insane. I hope it is. I hope it doesn't fucking not live up to the hype. All right, that's it. I'm done. Okay. I've had a long fucking day. All right. And I apologize to anybody out there who aspires to be a wailing whore at the Grammys. You know, I'm just, you know, I'm not saying that those, those wailing whores, they're not whores, but you know,

I don't understand, I fucking don't understand that kind of singing. It's, you're not singing, you're wailing. All right. Just sing the fucking song. You know, and then, and then fucking what's her face? Oh booze, booze face there. She always gets that sound in her voice now. She's got that pasty bloated booze face. And then just in case you miss it, she puts that red lipstick in the middle. Don't you just want to grab Christina by both of big jowls? You know, she got a man's haircut. She could do like the Winston Churchill story. I've been, I've actually, this is just, this is totally like extra time I'm doing on the podcast to try to get something funny in this fucking thing this week. I noticed the other day.

You know, two people who really look alike is Richard Simmons and the lead singer of the Scorpions. You notice that they have the exact same awful fucking hair. They're going bald in the exact same fucking way. You know, did I just do an awful fucking 80s joke? Were they separated at birth? Have you ever seen them together? Oh, Bill, quit while you're fucking behind. All right, this is it. How long can you guys still listen to this shit? How long are you going to sit there and torture yourself? This is like a comedian does not get off the fucking stage as people are slowly walking out of the goddamn club. I'm still here. How empty are your lives? Shut it off. Oh, fuck. You know what I forgot to play? I asked somebody from England to, I wanted to hear

cozy smug cunts in the English accent. Here it goes. You want to hear it? Here it is. Here it is. This is all the way from my fucking people over in England. Hang on. What the fuck just happened? I'm going to play it again. Here it comes. Cousy smug cunts. Cousy smug cunts. There you go. Cousy smug cunts. I fucking love that. All right. There you go. That's the podcast for this week. I apologize for the meandering. I apologize for my excuses. I went real Peyton Manning this week, didn't I? We had protection

issues. I had a flat tire. You know, I was a real bitch this week. Whatever. I'll make it up next week. Okay? They can't all be gems. All right? Everybody has a bad fucking day. So don't take it out on me. I apologized to all the wailing whores out there. I said that. All right? I don't know how to get off stage this week. All right. That's it. Have a great fucking week. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit. I'll talk to you next Monday. See you. I used to love her. But I had to kill her. I used to love her. But I had to kill her. She had been so much. She drove me nuts. And now we're happier this way. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. But I had to kill her. I used to love her. Yeah. But I had to kill her. I had to put up six feet of love. And I can still hear her complain. Yeah. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Novelties. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas along with all NS Novelties. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of

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