Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-15-18

Episode Date: February 16, 2018

Bill rambles about the new, Valentine's Day and church.

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You specifically. Not anybody else. I'm checking in on you. The kind of person that actually listens. How about that? Huh? Remember those people? Whenever something fucking really bad happens. You can't. You literally cannot fucking. You just cannot. Go on the internet and go on to social media. You just can't. You can't. You just can't fucking do it. You know.

Not even some bad just when people just deliberately misinterpret something. I saw this fucking jerk off was going like congratulations to the Eagles who didn't fucking kneel against the national anthem. You know, that was never. The guy was doing it a peaceful protest about police brutality, whether you agreed with it or whether you didn't. That's a natural. Yeah, when do kneeling become disrespectful? I hate my neighbor. Anytime he walks out of his house, I'm going to kneel. That'll show him. Boy, another fucking jerk off.

Did what fucking jerk offs do and the fucking media is now going to make that person famous and talk about the numbers. Like it's ESPN when you're talking about dead kids. It's just fucking unbelievable. It's unbelievable. And then there's no way there is no way to have any sort of conversation about how to fuck God's sakes how to try and make this not happen. This is clearly something that just didn't happen when I was growing up and now ever since that fucking Colorado shit. It's like a fad like what the fuck is going on and you can't literally cannot. You just can't talk to anybody about it. You can't because everybody gets all fucking they're gonna take her guns away and other people got to get rid of all the guns. Guns don't kill people. People kill people. You know, I don't know. I have no idea what the solution is.

I know people on the left literally look at guns as if they're alive and they're sinister things, which is ridiculous. And then people on the other side literally get to the point that they want to buy a bazooka to fucking defend their house is fucking unbelievable. There's got to be some something in the middle that everybody can agree upon. First and foremost, yeah, I really truly believe you have got to stop showing these people the people that do it in making them famous. You got to stop fucking doing that. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I'm fucking wrong. I have no fucking idea and I might be wrong. I think maybe on a regular basis, people break into people's houses in groups of 40 and you need to have an assault rifle. I don't know. I don't live in the middle of nowhere. I do understand this, though, that if you live in the middle of fucking nowhere, that calling the cops is not an option. I mean, some of these fucking people that live in farmhouses, their goddamn driveway is like eight miles long.

Okay, so by the time the cops get there and make a right turn to drive all the way up their fucking driveway, you know, as Jason Voorhees, or whatever his fucking name is, chasing this poor farm around his house, what the fuck is he supposed to do? You know, but I don't know. Isn't a shotgun good? I know that would stop me. I don't know what kind of people are out there. But you know, some of these kids, they get themselves on the meth and in feta beans, they're like fucking X-men. So maybe you need an AR-15. I don't know shit about guns. I have no idea, but I just... It's just so bizarre that no one wants what's happening to be happening and everybody just starts insulting each other. You know, using that stupid fucking, you know, liberal snowflake and fucking right-wing gun nut. They just start name calling. Like, I love when people do that. Like, that's going to make somebody on the other side listen to you.

I have no idea, but the first thing that I would do was I would stop the media coverage of it. And I don't know, because for whatever reason, I'm starting to really think that that is feeding us. I mean, it's fucking, it's fucking insane. It's fucking insane. And I don't know, I just don't think you should know the name of the person. And when you convict the person, I think they should immediately be put to death. And then that's it. And that's it. Over. End of fucking story. I don't, I don't know if that a fucking word. All I know. All I know is, like, I got a gig tonight and I was going to go on social media to promote it and go on there.

And it's just fucking, everybody just fucking yelling at each other like they do every time. I don't know. What are you going to do? All right. I had to get that out there. I don't know what I just got out there. I don't know what I just fucking put out there. All I know is I had a great Valentine's Day. Oh, I have a great Valentine's Day. I actually went out with my lovely wife, which we never fucking do. I had the best day. We, uh, oh my God, you guys, I had like the best day. I got a facial. No, I went to, um, I went, we, I took my wife and my lovely daughter. We went down to, uh, we went out to this pizza place out in Pasadena and we went in and it was like a total like towny vibe,

which I really miss that shit since I've left Massachusetts all those years ago and moved to New York City. It's never a towny vibe in New York City. It's a fucking city. Now I live in LA. It's a fucking city, but this place had like, uh, like I went in there and you just feel it was like locals and real Los Angelinos, if that's the word, like grew up, like I love meeting people that are from Los Angeles because they don't shit on it the way everybody else who lives out here. I'm a good fucking terrific, but it's like, yeah, there's traffic because you and I moved out here. We're part of the problem. Um, so we went out there. The pizza was really good and, uh, you know, got a root beer and all that stuff acting like I was in fucking seventh grade again. And then, um, I decided that I was going to take my wife out on Valentine's Day with absolutely no plan.

We didn't make any reservations, none of that bullshit. She goes, when do you want to go? I was like, I don't know. Maybe go find a dive bar or maybe, I don't know, probably end up at a taco truck tonight. Let's just go drive around. So we got all dressed up. I took her up on Mulholland, the amazing views. Mulholland Drive, where a lot of people think that's where James Dean died. Um, at least I did for a while. Um, he did and he died. I don't know. I can't remember. It's like I'm near fucking Bakersfield with some shit. But anyways, we, uh, we did that drive and then, um, Nia goes, you know what I would love right now? She goes, I know I'm not going to get it, you know, because it's Valentine's Day and everything's fucking nuts. Uh, I would love like these fucking tuna tartar tacos.

And then they got this dessert where they got a fucking chocolate chip cookie in a skillet that they heat up and they put ice cream on top of it. So, you know, she says that shit. I know I'm never going to get it. So you know me, I'm right on the hook. She pulls me in the boat. I'm like, well, where, where did they do that at? So she says the name of the restaurant. She goes, but it's Valentine's Day. There's nowhere we're going to get in. And I was like, well, let's just, that's what everybody's thinking. Let's just call up, see if we can just go up to the bar. So we call the place up and they say, well, unfortunately we're all sold out, but like outside, if you want to sit outside, there's tables by the pool. So like, yeah, fuck it, we'll do that. So we show up after just fucking having this nice Zen night, all of a sudden now we drive into the madness of fucking Valentine's Day. We pull up, this is a long line at the valet. We're the very next car and I see this guy walking out with the sign.

I'm like, oh, this motherfucker is going to say valet is full. Boom, sets it down. Sorry, it's fucking full. Now, normally I'd be, I would have had like a fucking Tourette's moment, but I just, I just for some reason didn't give a shit. I rolled down the window. I said, all right, where can I park? He goes, you know, just try to get some street parking, just read the signs, blah, blah, blah. So, you know, my wife's wearing heels and oh, we're wearing our matching me undies underwear too. So I literally, and she walks away and these new technologies cars, I'm driving away and I'm thinking, wait, she has the keys. Like how is this car still driving? And I didn't want to stop. So I drive, I go around the corner. I'm like, it's this thing literally going to conk out in the middle of the street and I find street parking and there's a sign that says no parking any fucking time unless you have a sticker and all of that. And I was just like, I'll give the fuck, I'll get a ticket, right? So I get out of the car and I realized I can't lock it and I got mail in there and shit.

So now I got to go back down, get the fucking keys. So I'm walking down the hill and I swear to God, all of a sudden this kid comes out of this alley. And just the way he's walking is just weird. But he's in front of me, which I'm fine with. And then he just stops and he lets me go by. And I'm like, ah, shit. But he's small, right? But who knows? Maybe he has an AR-15. I don't fucking know, you know? He lives in an alley, right? What if 48 homeless people all come at him at once? The man has to defend himself. A platoon of homeless people. He looks at me. This is going to sound self-serving, but he did. He goes, ah, he goes, I know you. I've seen you, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, hey, what's going on? He goes, yeah, I know you're a famous guy. I'm like, nah, not really, not really. He goes, oh, you're one of those guys. You don't want to be known, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, nah, it's not that. I'm just fucking... You know, I just want to be like, no dude, you know what? I'm just walking down the street and you came out of an alley and you're talking to me and this is fucking weird.

It's socially weird. You know it's weird. You know it's fucking weird. Stop acting like it's not fucking weird. And now you're behind me, you fucking asshole. So then I slow down. Now at least he's beside me. I figured that was a good martial arts move. You know, even though I don't know martial arts, right? I felt like the Gracie family was a little more, a little less disappointed in me. So then he starts talking to me about how he was living in Rome for the last three months and for the first time in his life, putting living ahead of working. And he's talking about this shit and I'm participating in this conversation. I don't want to be and I'm trying to give the quickest fucking answers possible. You know, I mean, I should have just said like, dude, I don't want to be in this conversation, but you know how this fucking world is now? I don't know. I don't want to piss him off. I don't know what he has on him. So anyways, he starts giving me his philosophy. He used the word society like three fucking times.

Finally, I get to the front of the restaurant and I do my wrap it up move. Well, hey man, it was nice meeting you, which is a complete fucking lie. Hey man, thank you for that creepy last 40 yards of this walk where I was waiting to fill a knife go into my kidneys. You enjoy your evening, right? I couldn't say that. I was like, hey, it was nice talking to you. If you believe in a higher power, is that breaking a commandment of lying? Now shall not lie. You know, Jesus follows followed all the commandments, right? Look what happened to him. Maybe that's why I've been able to live since I'm 49. Maybe Jesus should have if he lied a little more. Are you the son of God? No, I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about. He could have continued his life in construction.

Just realized I had my fucking invisible line in. Ow! By the way, dude, my fucking teeth look amazing. I only got four. They are so straight. It's so fucking white. I swear to God, I look like an old bald pharaoh faucet. That's how good I look right now. Let's just say Charlie might have a new angel next season. And I'll wear the pharaoh wig. I don't give a fuck. You know, nice four camera shoot, get in and out in about three hours. That's what I'm looking for. That's the gig I'm looking for. Anyways, plowing ahead. So then I get in the restaurant and it was fucking hilarious.

I get the keys and I got to walk back up. Just give me the keys. I get back up there, right? I lock the fucking car. I come back down and it was perfect because we weren't in the main restaurant. We were out by the pool where they had like heating lamps and it was cold and shit. It was where all the single people were. There's plenty of fucking seats and inside the restaurant was that's where all the drama was. All the chicks looking at what the other chicks are fucking wearing. All the guys feeling pressure that they got to give a ring that night. The fucking marriages that are on the rocks, but they can do them for one more fucking year. They're going to do this phony dance and go out. All of that shit was in there. We fucking walked outside. My wife's up at the bar talking to some woman who's there by herself and immediately I'm thinking like this is fucking unbelievable.

Not only did we get a seat at the restaurant we wanted to go to on Valentine's Day. I actually have a very small chance of getting a threesome right now. This is fucking incredible. So fucking with you guys, but I'm going to lie to you if I didn't have that fucking thought. I'm a man, baby. So we're up there, right? And we ended up just going over, we got a table and literally the exact fucking thing that my beautiful wife who looked absolutely stunning. Fucking stunning. The exact thing that she wanted to order, she was able to order that and I got myself a little pork chap and we just sat there laughing at how perfect the evening was. First we made no plans whatsoever and then that was it and then we came home.

So all these years, you know what's funny? The bartender listens to the podcast and he goes, holy shit. He goes, I thought you didn't go out on Valentine's Day, right? I'm like literally caught in an accidental lie here. I told him the truth because he didn't walk out of an alley and then slow down so he could walk behind me. I was just like, yeah, I usually don't. This just sort of fucking came together. So there you go, people. There's a different way. Go out and don't have any plan. And you know what? The women kind of like that. There's something, you know, we say that in those fucking magazines. I like a guy who's spontaneous. You know, take him somewhere where there's a view, right?

Tell him they look good, give him a couple of kisses and that type of shit, be all affectionate. Now I'm telling you, if you just fucking do that and you end up in a taco truck, they, you know, at least they say that that will keep them out. You know something, reality is you can't do that every year. You know what I mean? Because you know, guys, if it worked one year, we're going to do it the next 20 fucking years in a row and they're going to be bored by the next year. You just didn't put any thought in this at all, did you? You fucking talking about, I came up with this last year. That was last year. Come up with something else. What the fuck did you come up with? Other than getting yourself all dolled up. Where is your creative input?

So anyways, by the way, speaking of just give me the keys. I don't forget if I mentioned this on Monday, I went to Todd Rex's tapings and he absolutely fucking murdered. I'm so proud of him. Went out there, wasn't nervous at all, just fucking destroyed. And it was so fun to watch him making fun of his family and watching his kids die and laughing. Like, I know kids love their dad, but I'm telling you, Todd Rex's kids fucking love him. I, you know, it's funny. I knew how much his kids loved him before I even met his kids. I was just, he's such a silly, fun fucking dude. I was like, dude, you're kidding. He was talking about his kids. I was like, dude, your fucking kids love you. And he just smiled. He's like, yeah, yeah, they do.

And I was like, I bet your wife gets fucking annoyed. You know, she's like a big fucking kid. I feel like I'm going to have that relationship with my wife soon. Because I can't even tell you how fucking, what a great, my kids like walking now. And she actually likes the rough house, which is awesome. And basically right before she goes to bed. You know, I have her like energy or she's, I have her so fucking amped up because we played this game in the, in the living room where she starts to crawl away. And I act like I'm upset. And that's how the game started. And then she like starts to crawl away as fast as she can as she's screaming in anticipation that I'm going to come up and grab her and drag her back to the start. She loves playing it that has now evolved into basically I'm crawling behind her.

Like you ever see like when the cheetahs go after like the gazelles or something and they swipe their back legs. So they wipe out. I mean, I'm not doing that to her. I'm sort of like grabbing at her foot just going, ah, she's like, yeah, like fucking freaking out. I get her all the way amped up. And every night we're dying laughing and Nia's sitting there going like, Bill, Bill, this is the time where we try to lower the stimulation. We shut off the TV and I'm all out of breath. Like, what? We're having a good time. She loves it. So I feel like I'm going to have that same type of relationship.

But anyways, plowing ahead. I had a, I had a great Valentine's Day. I hope you did too. So the big news, the big news, the Patrice O'Neill benefit is this Tuesday, the sixth annual Patrice O'Neill benefit. One of my favorite gigs of this year of the year, I should say. And, you know, I get to run into all the comics that I always see. I know it's like a high school reunion and all that type of shit. So looking forward to that once again, it's going to sell out as it has the previous five years.

So I want to thank everybody who went on the internet, bought tickets, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Are you guys watching the Olympics at all? I haven't been watching as much as I, you know, I was at a bar and I was watching Curling, which of course I love. It's so fucking peaceful watching that shit. I don't know what it is and I still don't understand the fucking game, but I really enjoy watching it. And so when we were out at the bar on Valentine's Day, not having to wait for a table and getting our food pretty damn quickly. We were watching the downhill skiing. Have you ever heard the audio of that?

Those fucking lunatics, the men and women that have the fucking nerve to go up to the top of a mountain and just point their skis down. Do you know, like they are dealing with such like g-forces. They're literally yelling. Like anytime they go into a turn, they're like going like, I have to see that live. And I want to be like halfway down the slope. Just to watch somebody go by me at 80 90 miles an hour going down a fucking mountain. With goddamn waxed skis on just screaming just.

I mean, you know, it's like people routinely die in that fucking sport, the level of balls that that takes. And then I was watching the cross country skiing, right? And just like how fast they're going in the level of cardio. It was the women doing it. And I was just thinking, there's no way to please that woman in bed, like the level of her cardio. She's going to be going harder, harder. You're like, fuck, you know, she just sitting there, not even breaking a sweat. She can cross country ski from fucking where I live out to South Dakota without even breaking a sweat.

What the fuck am I going to do to you in the bedroom that's going to even remotely make you even realize it's happening. These are the things that I think of when I watch the Olympics. Anyways, let's plow ahead. These lunatic liberals. These right wing gun nuts. You're all you're all every one of your fucking annoys the shit out of me. What kind of an adult you can can you just just present your opinion? Somebody should make some after school special movie where like people who are into guns and people who are afraid of guns as if they're alive.

I remember I wanted to get a gun, you know, for home security. I didn't want to get a fucking machine gun, you know, coming home with like fucking dead intruders and then I held all that plaster work I have to do. Like honey, you couldn't just fucking get out of pistol, you know, squeeze one off. But there's all these fucking theories to, by the way, there's all these goddamn theories on which is the best one for home security. You know, I really believe that it probably depends on where you live in the world. What is the best one? No, because what are you going to do at this point? Are you going to ban guns? They're already out there.

And I always love that there's a ban on guns and it's just like, oh, like all the criminals are going to be like, oh, well, I guess we can't get them. And then only they have them. Is there any way to like booby trap your house? Why don't we just get like human sized glue traps? You know, like you do for mice. You just put them all the way around your house next to every door and every window, right? It looks like it's grass. And then when some rapist or some piece of shit goes there, then they're just the next morning.

They're just sitting there looking at you with this stupid ski mask on stuck in the glue. Why can't they just do something like that? I don't know, Bill, because it would be prohibitively expensive. We're going to get all that glue. How many horses have to die? All right. He licks everybody. He licks. There are a ton of online mattress retailers popping up these days, all with a one size fits all solution to a better sleep. Guess what? One size doesn't fits all doesn't work. Of course it doesn't.

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I went to church with my whole family. My mother-in-law was like, listen, you guys should go to church. They're going to have a Dixieland band and it means a lot to her. So like, all right, we'll go, right? So I go there and they have this live band comes in. They play when the saints go marching and they're fucking killing it. It's a bunch of old guys, you know, trumpet, trombone, tuba, clarinet, a guy, you know, marching down with the snare drum, playing that New Orleans jazz shit.

It was fucking awesome. And I remember just thinking like, if they did this every week, I would go all the time. Why is this a once a year like Mardi Gras Mass? But I gotta admit, I actually enjoyed going there with my family, even though, you know, I don't buy into all of the guilt. And, you know, he did this for you and all of that shit. You know what's funny is my daughter does this thing. Well, you know, they like, she's like trying out her voice

and she kind of learned that she can go like way down low like. So she kind of did, we call it the monster. Like do the monster and she just goes like, right? So we're in church and the preacher's talking and all that shit. You know, so I'm bored, right? So I start whispering in her ear. I'm going, I'm going to do the monster, do the monster. So he's up there telling Jesus stories, right?

And my daughter starts going like, like she was possessed. And he is getting all mad at me. I keep telling her to do it. It was fucking, it was killing me. And he was like, and then Jesus saw the leper and he wasn't afraid to touch him. And he showed that love is the answer. My daughter's going, everything but her head spitted around. Oh, we had such a good fucking time.

And I don't know, I actually enjoyed going. It was sort of a, you know, I used to go every week with my family and everything. And I actually think it's a good thing if you don't 100% buy in, at least with my religion, that this, this is the only thing that you can worship. This is the only way to do it and all of that shit. I'm actually thinking about going to church, which then what would you do if I just slowly became this, this psycho conservative, not like a regular decent conservative person, you know, because I don't have any beef with those people. I feel like I'm liberal, although out here in Hollywood, people think I voted for Trump.

That's how liberal it is out here. But what would you guys do if I fucking went down that whole road and started going, that little snowflakes, you know, he ain't taking my gun. Back when the people said, you know, when they wrote this shit that you have the right to bear arms, even though they didn't have any concept of a machine gun and what the fuck that could do. Okay, so here's the thing. I would like to hear from people that are into guns. What is your solution?

How do you prevent, because they sell a zillion of those fucking things a year, right? I have no stats on this, but I know. I know they sell it because if I was into guns, that's what the fuck I would want. I would want a fucking machine gun because that's like the Ferrari. Every car nut wants a fucking, you know, a super car. What do I totally get if you're into guns? Like, dude, I, you know what? I can't get that now because this fucking asshole does that.

So how about this? All right. You're going to know way more about this. How about somebody that's into guns? All right. And has one of those guns and all that type of shit. What is your solution? Because it just seems like whenever this happens, liberal people go, you know, we got a, we got a band fucking assault.

Well, we got a band. They go that way. And then people on the right say, you know, you know, we don't need to ban guns when this is a lunatic problem. It's not a gun issue. It's a lunatic problem. And I find it, I find that fascinating because they keep using the AR 15, you know, and they're literally killing children. It's schools and people are still like defending. That's, that's fascinating to me.

So I would like to know what the argument is without you yelling and flipping the fuck out. I'm just asking just so I can understand it. That's all I want to do. I don't need to listen to fucking you conservative Jesus freak fucking liberal snowflake. All of that fucking child is shit because we all know that I don't do name calling. I'm just interesting to me. Like I love my Jaguar, but if once every six weeks someone drove it through a school and ran people over and they wanted to be like, hey, you know, I don't know what it is about that car, but these fucking people won't stop doing that with the car. I would get another car.

I would just get a different one. I'd be all right with that personally. It's just a car. Cars don't kill people. Lunatics. You fucking put, you know, all of that shit. Guns don't kill people. People kill people.

Well, then why would you want to give them guns? If that's what they're going to do? Can we can we raise the degree of difficulty? How about this? How about if you're underage, if you're of school age, the only gun they'll give you is a revolutionary war era one where you got to take out that rod and pack it down, you know. Take out the tea bag, you know, with your little gunpowder. How about you're only allowed to have one of those? Would that work?

No, because that fucking asshole in Las Vegas was of a certain age. I wonder how you could do it. There's got to be some sort of space age thing that you could do. You know what I mean? What if you get that? This is like some big brother shit. They somehow like there's like it. If you get an assault weapon, then there's some millennial who has to sit there and every time you pick it up has to be watching what you're aiming it at.

And they have a kill switch. They can either turn it on. I don't know how fucking do I. Why do I look like I have solutions? Whatever. I would just, you know what I would just at this point, it's so depressing to see this shit and the frequency that it happens. At least at the very least, if there could just be some calm, rational somehow discussion of it with some solutions that just seemed like you could just make this stop talking. Make this stop talking.

Make this stop happening. So what do you miss? I don't know. I don't fucking know. So anyway, so I go to church, right? My daughter started getting fussy and shit like that and she wanted to crawl around the floor. It's like, I'm not going to let you crawl around the floor. All right.

So I just get up, I walk to the back of the church or whatever. And I sit down there. And in the end, you know, in my religion, you go up and you get the the Eucharist. All right. And I hadn't done it in a long time. And I had not also been absolved of my sins. I didn't go into the little walk-in closet with the fucking creep and tell them all the shit that I did. It's just so fucking weird.

It's so dumb. So I walk up there. And I don't know. I just was like dealing with my daughter. And then I was dealing with the fact that I felt like I was in a crowd. So I kind of went into like after my show mode. And I wasn't really thinking. And the lady goes, she goes, the body of Christ.

And I said, Hey, thanks a lot. She looked at me weird and then I took it. It wasn't till I ate it. I realized what I just said to her. You're supposed to say body Christ. You're supposed to say amen. You're not supposed to say, Hey, thanks a lot. Like I was literally like after shows when I'm walking out.

You know, and people, Hey, I really enjoyed. Hey, thanks a lot. You just, Hey, man, I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. Just go into this fucking mode so you can get from point A to point B. I went into that mode for whatever reason because my daughter was all fussy. I could tell she needed a diaper changed and my wife had the, all the stuff.

And she was up at the front. I was dealing with all of that shit. And then I was like in a crowd, the body of Christ. Hey, thanks a lot. That's gotta be up there. Top five things you're not supposed to say. Right. What are some other things that you probably shouldn't say?

The body of Christ. Gross. Right. Can't say that. Hey, can I get another one of those things? I didn't have breakfast. Hey, can I get another one? This one seems a little stale things.

You should. This is like a talk show. Ladies and gentlemen, things you shouldn't say when accepting the Eucharist. But I actually did enjoy. I actually really enjoyed going. I can't fucking believe it. And I talked to my wife and she's also a non-church going for Hollywood phonies people. Okay.

We're, we're Satanists. We don't go to church, right? She was actually, you know what? I enjoyed it too. It's kind of a nice tradition or whatever. You know, that's part of being a parent, making your kid get up earlier than the kid wants to and making him dress up to go to some shit they don't want to go to. So you might go, you know, there's something about doing that to your kid that makes him

not be a spoiled brat. We used to always go to church and then afterwards we would go to Dunkin Donuts. We'd get a dozen donuts. And then we, we'd wake up the morning, we'd do our paper routes. And my dad would drive us around. We had a Chevy Chevette and we would load it up with all these Sunday papers. We'd have the hatchback open and we, me and my older brother would be riding with their legs hanging out the backs.

My dad was like in fourth gear, driving down the street. He'd have gospel music blaring and we would be running around and he loved it. He loved it. My dad's one of his people never gets cold either. He'd always have the fucking window down. And one of my elder brothers, we'd put in the papers together in the backseat and then all the ones that were ready to be delivered were in the way back in and we would just be running and we would come home and then put on church clothes.

We'd drive, go to church, then we'd go to Dunkin Donuts and we'd come into that every fucking Sunday. And from the time I was in third grade, right up until high school, I mean I had a paper route forever. I always had a job, you know, from third grade on I had money. All those kids I went to school with, they're just like, ah, you know, I'm broke, my parents are bad, they won't give me money. Get a fucking paper route. Any time I wanted football cards, I could buy them.

You know, I wanted, that's all I did. Football cards and hockey cards, baseball cards, and I bought candy. That was it. That was my fucking overhead. And then when I went to school, if I wanted lunch, if I wanted doubles, I always had money. Never understood these fucking kids. Like they'd be like in seventh, eighth grade still going to their parents for money. I was independent.

All right, enough with me fucking blowing myself here in the podcast about what a hard worker I am. That is the podcast. All right. God bless you for not having a gun. God bless you for having a gun responsibly. You know what? God bless everyone. All right, except for these assholes that go into schools and do what they do.

And for the love of God, can you stop fucking putting their faces all over the place and giving them their 15 minutes of fame? You know what I mean? Like they appreciate it. Go out and do some fucking open mics and do some hell rooms for 20 years before you get anything. Okay. Giving it to these fucking assholes overnight. All right, I'm in Santa Barbara tonight.

I'm up there with Dean Delray and Paul Verzi and I'm going to fly him up. And I didn't want to fly. I mean, but I'm flying with the instructor. By the way, I did my first solo in about a year and a half. I flew like 20 something hours already this year. And my auto rotations are fucking. We would, we did this thing. My instructor, we were coming in for landing and as I was turning base, he just goes engine failure and just chopped the throttle.

And he goes, put it down on the numbers. And I had to do like fucking S turns because I was coming in too fast and I fucking put it right down on the numbers. And he goes, dude, you fucking nailed it. That was all you. One of the best compliments I ever got. And I ended up solo in a few days later. I just flew around the, the basin out of Burbank and back into Burbank. And I did everything great.

Radio calls were great. It was a really windy day. I just flew slow and it was funny. I was listening to the ATIS, which is basically the recording, the information, you know, when the stool seven and all that bullshit. Right. And then they, in the end, they always go, you know, information, Mike or information, Bravo. Right. I have everything fucking down and I'm nervous about landing in Burbank because, you know, it's a busy fucking airport. Right.

And I swear to God, it sounded like the guy, this computer voice. He said information Ricky. I'm like, what the fuck is Ricky? This is just basically for pilot nerds. I'm like, what the fuck is I'm going? Obviously he didn't say Ricky because it's Romeo. It's not Ricky fucking Ricardo. What are we talking about here?

So now I got to think like, what the fuck did they just say that sounded like Ricky, but is alone? Alpha Bravo, Charlie Delta, but I'm flying, getting into their airspace. So fine. I just said, fuck it. I said, Burbank Tower helicopter, blah, blah, blah, blah at the Hollywood sign requesting full stop at Atlantic. I listened to the ATIS, but I don't know what information it is. But I know it's not Ricky. When I landed, my instructor goes Ricky.

He goes whiskey. And I was like, oh, all right. So there's always something. And so I went in and they, they told me to hold, they call it old Mako. It's the Macy's out by the 170 and they said, you're number three. So I see a Southwest coming in and then there's some little Cessna. I can't find the guy, but at this point I know basically where to look. And I know where the runway is.

It's like, well, I'll just fucking look over there and I'll keep doing my little left orbits here. And then I saw the guy and then I was like, all right. And it fucking went in landed. And when you land at Burbank, there's always a tailwind. Not when you land, but when you go, right as you go to set the fucking helicopter down, this is fucking ridiculous tailwind. And I always sit there stirring the pot. And if somebody finally told me, no, it's your pedals, your pedals keep it straight. So I got myself a little straight, straight and just sort of stabbed it, set it down, rolled down.

And I always had this, the same thought I always have. All right, I didn't kill myself. And I had a great time when I was up there, right? And then of course I get in, you know, this is this allegedly really dangerous thing that I'm doing, flying, you know, I get in my car and I get on the highway. And what do I see some massive fucking accident on the highway, which is what happens every fucking time. And the more I fly, the less I'm afraid in a good way. I'm still super conscious of being up there. And as that fear goes down, every time I get on, I'm like, like an old man now when I get on the highway.

I'm fucking terrified at how fast people go, how they pass on the right, how they're on their fucking phones. You always know when somebody's on their phone, especially if you're in like traffic, you know what I mean? It's because like the person in front of you start, in front of them starts driving and they just don't move for like eight seconds. And you feel it's like these persons literally on their phone right now, like reading tweets. Anyways, all right, that is the podcast. Here's some fucking music for you. And then we got a half hour of a Thursday afternoon podcast from back in the day or a couple of Thursdays ago. All right, that's it. Have a great weekend, you cunts. I'll talk to you on Monday.

And don't hesitate, cause she was the queen. In the blink of an eye, I knew her number and her name. She said I was the tiger she wanted to tame. And I was sharing the same dream and a horse that beat at once. No more love on the run. Valentine's Day Advice Billy Boy, dearest Billiam. I know this is last minute. I had a question about Valentine's Day. I am a single guy in my mid twenties rejoice.

Dude, I'm going to tell you right now. If you're a single guy in your mid twenties and you live in America and you're living on your own, please. Drop to your knees and thank whatever God you pray to every day because you're never going to be freer in your life. I know you probably got student loans and blah, blah, blah, the stress and all that bullshit. Fuck that. Okay, you're never going to be freer in your life. Go get three year supplies of condoms, okay, and bang away my friend. Maybe you don't need to do it for three years. Maybe you're one of those guys for only three weeks, but you need to get it out of your system. All right, he says I never really had a girlfriend for whatever reason.

Oh, Jesus Christ. All right, we're going the whole other other way. Truth be told, my friends could name numerous reasons why I don't have a girlfriend, but that's an entirely different issue. Well, Jesus Christ, there's a fucking can of worms. They couldn't. You don't seem defensive or argumentative. So I don't know if it's an anger issue. I'm so sick of trying to be fucking Hannibal Lecter here. Trying to guess what your shoes look like with the way you write, you know.

All right, I'm just going to read the rest of this shit. As of right now, I am currently sleeping with three girls off. Oh, so you're fucking, you're knocking it out. I thought you'd like never had a girlfriend like and you'd like never banged anybody. All right, my fault. All right. Go fuck yourself. You're a guy in your mid 20s and you're fucking three girls right now. And I'm this you need advice.

I keep doing what you're doing. Anyways, depending on what day of the week it is and how much I've drank. Okay, that depends on how many girls he's banging. I've never lied to any of them about where our relationship is going. And although they never met each other, each of them has an idea that I'm seeing other girls. It's kind of a don't ask, don't tell policy. Yeah, dude. And you got to come with that.

You know, you can open with that. You know, what are you doing? I'm dating. I'm playing the field. How many people you date right now? A couple of people kind of seeing just having a good time. Well, I don't do stuff like that. Well, there's the door, sweetheart.

Then they'll respect like that. The honesty of that. Some won't. Some will actually have self esteem and walked out. But a lot of them, they'll hang around. Eventually they're tired. Their neck gets weak and they'll fall right in your fucking dick. Birthdays and Christmas are always a piece of cake because all that requires a quick text or a phone call.

Or at the very most drinks at the bar. But Valentine's Day is tricky. Our dates consist of bar hopping and drunk sex. So flowers and a nice dinner would completely send the wrong message. Dude, you selfish cunt. Are you asking me how to keep banging these three chicks while getting through Valentine's Day? Why don't you just look at the Valentine's Day like that's your pussy getting all-star break. Just take three days off.

The day before, the day after, and the day of. Just say, what are you doing for Valentine's Day? I'm going to be, Jesus, where are you going to be? I don't have a good one for that one. All right, you know what? I just put myself in your shoes and I understand your problem now. He said, I got to do a little bit of trouble last year when one of the girls texted me and said, you know, every girl likes flowers on Valentine's Day.

And he said, I knew my response couldn't be, yeah, but if I get you flowers, then I have to get flowers for all the other girls. So I just pushed out and responded, yeah, well. Oh dude, you shouldn't have responded at all. You know, every girl likes to get flowers on Valentine's Day. Isn't that funny? And that has nothing to do with most likely her having any sort of feelings towards you. It's just the bitch next to her and the other cubicle probably got some, you know,

or the girl on there fucking whatever the fuck you want to call it. Some guy broke my balls this week. It was fucking hilarious. He was trotching. We say, come off as a pompous ass because I always talk about anybody who doesn't do comedy works in a cubicle. You know, and for some reason he decided to take that seriously and tell me that he actually works at the UN and travels all around the world. If that's actually true, sir, why don't you just get on with doing that?

You work at the UN and you travel all over the world. Why would you give a fuck what some absolute jackass is saying on a fucking podcast? How insecure are you? Your insecurity is probably a great thing because that's probably the thing that drove you to be at the UN where you travel all around the world. You know what, sir? Good for you. That's awesome.

I hope working at the UN and traveling all around the world fills you up some point where it fills you up high enough where you don't have to respond to a silly joke on some dumbass podcast. I travel all around the world. You know what? That's actually a great fucking job. Do you feel like you get anything done? You know, do you sit there wearing that headpiece next to that guy who's wearing the water buffalo hat? Doing that shit and you're sitting there trying to talk to him about how you can sell your rich crackers to their country.

Is that what you're doing? When you're traveling all around the world. I travel all around the world. I can just see you on the plane with your fucking dress socks on. You have a dash cunt. Oh, just sitting there. What movies am I going to watch on this flight as I travel all around the world? Anyways, you know something, sir?

You had the James Bond job and then you fucking you played yourself. I don't know why you did that. Why would you fucking? That's like me responding to people on Twitter. Why would I do it? I should pretend like I have better things to do. Anyways, I want to keep seeing all these girls back to this guy. But at the same time, I don't want any broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

Oh, dude, you know what? What is your problem here? Dude, are you like a Gemini? It's like you're this fucking lady killer. Then also you're kind of like, you know, you wouldn't hurt anybody. Should I get her some jam jams? I can't talk to the fucking UN guy. What the hell was going on here again?

Valentine's Day. I got a little trouble last year. Well, listen, you're anticipating trouble. Didn't you learn anything from last year? You know, every girl likes flowers on Valentine's Day. What would I write back? I know what my response would be the second I read that. If it was just some girl I was banging and then they wrote that,

I would get this awful feeling in my stomach. And I would read it and as I got that awful feeling, I'd go, yes, and make that noise. You know that thing like when you're just banging a girl and then all of a sudden she just fucking makes that comment. You know, you think she's on the same page as you when she just makes that comment. You know, I was thinking about you today.

You just feel that feeling in your stomach. Oh yeah, well, don't. That's the fucking worst. You've got to be one and done. But one and done is scary. You just got to be honest. You know, some girls, what would I say? You know, every girl likes flowers on Valentine's Day.

What would I text back? Yeah, you know, that's what I heard. You know what? You know what? I shouldn't give you shit. I don't have a good response to that. Well, maybe someday you'll meet a guy who wants to give you some. You want to get drunk and fuck?

Yeah, I got nothing. And you can't ignore it. You know what I would have done? I ignored the text and I would have called her. But a good three hours later, three, four hours, three hours later. That's a good one. You call her. You ignore that text and you call her.

She goes, hello? And you're like, hey, what's going on? What are you doing tonight? I got no plans. Valentine's Day. What are you doing? And you just start it with that. And then she, well, what do you want to do?

And she'll be seen if you're going to take it in some romantic, you know, direction and you don't. You just keep it in the fuck buddy. I figure we go down to meet hammers, whatever the fuck you call it. We go down to take it in the face, have a couple of pitches of beer and see what happens. Dude, you know what? You're, you're, it seems to me, you're not just fucking these girls. They're actually having like these mini relationships with them.

You know, the key to having a fuck buddy is, is the time between fucking them. And I don't give a shit how much a woman says that she can handle it. Most of them can't. Most of them can't. If you're fucking coming over there and you, and just eventually they're going to get feelings. I don't, I don't know if they're more mature or if it's a defect. It's just, I just respect the fact that that's how they're wired. So you, if you have a fuck buddy, okay, let's, let's just do the math.

Okay. Now, now February is a very short month here. So let's just say right out of the gate, you fuck her on February 2nd. All right. You shouldn't come around again till at least the 17th. And for grant, you fuck and you leave F and L. You fuck them and then you leave. You don't bang her on the second, you bang her on the second and then you bang her on the seventh.

You're in a fucking relationship in their world. You know, unless you literally the second you have an orgasm, as you're coming, you're scooping up your clothes and you walk out like half naked, then you just bizarre. Which is another good way to keep them at bay. And why don't I just read the rest of this and see what it, what his question is here. He says, I want to keep seeing all these girls, but at the same time, I don't want to break. I don't want any broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Yeah, you want to keep fucking all of them. No, dude, what you have to have, you have to have a revolving door.

You have to have a stable of women if you're going to live this life, or you have to give into fucking rubbing one out. All right. But you can't be a relationship guy with three different women because you are going to end up hurting them. So what you have to constantly be doing, you got to be like a college coach. All right. Every year you lose some top prospects, but you're out there recruiting. Okay. So you, so you maintain, but it's never ending.

It's fucking exhausting. But if that's the game you want to play, that's what you have to do. So that girl who says, you know, every girl likes flowers on Valentine's Day. Right there you put on waivers. Okay. For a fucking piece of ass to be named later, you got to get rid of her. Okay. And you got to look, go back and analyze what the fuck you did wrong that she felt it was okay for her to text you because you fucked up that right there shows that you fucked up that she felt that she could send that to you if you think you just fuck buddies.

All right. So anyways, he continues, he says, I know that like it or not, this shit is important to women. If I take one girl out, I'm playing favorites and setting a bad precedent. Plus, if she does that check in shit on Facebook, I'm completely fucked. Yeah, dude, you're doing dirtbag shit. If you're a single guy and something could happen that fucks you on Facebook, you're leading these girls on. Anyways, he says, if I take none of them out or do nothing, I have three irritable ladies on my hand. Dude, are you going to marry any of them?

No. Well, then let them go. Why don't you have the balls to do that? You know, when a team halfway through the season just realized, dude, we ain't winning this shit. Just pull a fucking Marlins. Just get rid of everybody. And then your fan base is your dick. And they're going to be, he's going to be pissed for a while.

But then you build it back up again. Build it back up again. You know, I don't know. Look, dude, if you want to be in a fucking relationship, you know, there's other ways about going about than doing this. But you're trying to have your cake and eat it. Dude, you got three women right now. You're banging three different women. Where's your confidence?

You know what you're doing. All right. Dump two, keep one at bay, and then get two more. Then dump the other one and get the other one. You don't even dump them. You just phase them out. But the new recruits that you get in, you got to be straight up honest with them, you know, unless you actually feel feelings. If you're feeling no feelings, you know, don't keep coming back fucking them unless, you know, you get that 15 day.

You fuck them on the second, you fuck them on the 17th. Then you're into March and then banger on like the 11th. All right. And even then they can't catch feelings doing that. But before you know it, you know, that's like 14, 15 days out of the year taken up where you where you got to bang somebody. This is such this is this is really should be eye opening to women that I'm actually saying this is really this is really awful. Not on speaking this out loud. He says in a perfect world, I'll take all of them out at once and have the force and I've been chasing after my entire life.

But we don't always get what we want. Any advice from the lovely Nia would be much appreciated as well. Love the podcast. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, she probably wouldn't have been as understanding as I was even though I gave you a lot of shit. And passion burns you like never before. I wasn't certain I would get you just running my game. Yeah, yeah.

No one's the first. First from my mind. Yeah, yeah. Call it a few. We can't get my ratio. In the same dream. Don't want to stand. And I'll always be there.

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