Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-17

Episode Date: February 17, 2017

Bill rambles about cereal, Habs fans and the divorced man dream house.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's dot com. Hey what's going on it's bill burn is time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday

Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you this isn't even a podcast. This is just me poking my head into your cubicle your office door your fucking cardboard box wherever you're living wherever you're working whatever you're doing are you making America great again we're gonna make it great again remember when it was great that's gonna happen again making America great again. What's going on how are you I'm in a good mood my my my lovely daughter has entered a new phase of just nonstop crying and I think she's gonna be a Ric Flair fan because the

only thing I could do to get her to stop was you know those exercise balls that the ladies use them you know because they're always trying to work their glutes and their fucking thighs because that's where they put the weight on you know guys are always over there doing sit-ups doing that shit right doing shit from Rocky hanging upside down maybe if I hang upside down and fucking do a sit-up you know that'll offset the fucking nine slices of pizza I'm gonna have tonight the pizza wins okay you don't need to hang upside down you don't even need to do fucking you don't really even need to do sit-ups what you need to do is you need to get some salads in your life you gotta start looking at bad food like it's

some fucking chick that you know is great in the rack right but it's just you can't bring it home to your parents she's a fucking lunatic that's that's what bad food is and the food version of great in the rack is salt sugar high that's all this right just sends you shit through the roof you're like yeah you know and you just keep grabbing one fucking handful after another as something in the back of you in the back of your head is just screaming no like when you're dating a psycho why am I gonna go out to a farmer's market with this fucking lunatic why am I pretending that there's a relationship here you have a bang a chick and she's got a window right behind her bed and halfway through banging you like

what if I just opened this and fucking crawled out you know I'm sure women have thought that you know what I mean laying on their backs getting fucking railed by some sweaty fucking I don't know banker assistant and then he's got a skylight go what if I was like spider man right now I could just some fucking webs and just go right up and out of here leave them all confused half excited on the bed that's what they need to have in the future everybody they're trying to have better cameras on your cell phones better recorders fucking I don't know something else whatever the fuck out there always has to be three examples so you you fill in your last one this podcast will be interactive why don't they come up

with something that when you're with somebody right you can just you just hit a fucking eject button like every house has like a fucking like even if you're on the bottom floor you just got to stand in the right place and remember that those old school offices would they would like send messages around to that little fucking vacuum thing you know you put the thing in the tube just just disappear and go into somebody else's office sort of the original fucking emails they should have that for people you know and yeah I'm telling you I didn't like the way you talk to my sister and just remember we have that dance recital on Saturday and you just you just walk over to the fucking porthole and you just gone honey stop it you're

scaring me honey you're still there she walks over and you just fucking gone then it'd be the new thing instead of getting dumped you got porthold what's wrong with Maggie oh she got porthold right in the middle I think she was nagging you know how Maggie is she's very very particular and she she I know I love her too I love her too but she can be hot she can be she's a lot she she is and then that's when the other girlfriends go she is a lot she's definitely a lot you know and then they fucking clinked a little fucking glass of rose whatever it is women doing the afternoon ladies what do you do in the afternoon what is that little wine break you take you know like your fucking nearest Hemingway you know

that's what I want to say I gotta I'm gonna say something like that at that writer's thing on Sunday just talking about how much I booze now because I fucking sit in a writer's room anyway so the only thing that keeps my my daughter quiet during this phase that she's going through which is fucking awesome even though she's crying her brains out now she's like she's like looking at shit you know she's like taking it in and everything it's an amazing thing right so we got this exercise ball the thing that the ladies have right maybe someone like Bill Clinton who puts on weight like a bitch right remember his big milky fucking thighs the is during his first semester whatever the fuck they call it his first trimester

of being president remember that shit when you go jogging in those fucking short shorts all I do anyways you sit on that exercise ball okay and you bounce up and down and the only thing that keeps her quiet is if I just if I don't want to bounce it up and down if I just keep going you know and as much as it was driving me nuts as much as I was feeling my old spine compacting every time we went down I held out this this glimmer of hope that maybe she's going to be a Ric Flair fan Ric Flair fan it's not easy to say so anyways how was your Thursday you're almost there to get they give you a paycheck yet that was always the best you get your paycheck then you go out for lunch right dude you want to

get a beer we just have one we just have one we'll just have one you know that whole fucking thing what the fuck is it you know what it is it's quality of life I was gonna say what is it about life that you just can't you can 90% of the time you're not doing what you want to be doing you know if there was no I guess if there was no infrastructure or society man we probably only live for fucking 30 years but just imagine for 30 years you could do whatever the fuck you want but then no one would have done anything and no one would have taken the time to make a beer factory so then you wouldn't have a bar and then what would you do you just be sitting around trying not to get eaten by animals alright so there

we go we just figured out why you have to go to work every week but isn't Thursday exciting I think that's the point I'm trying to make here Thursdays are exciting because they give you that piece of paper with the numbers on it and then you write your name on the back of it and then you go down to those fucking crooked banker cunts you give them that piece of paper with the numbers on it and then they give you a piece of paper back that added more numbers to the numbers that were previously on that piece of paper and then you walk around buying shit isn't that what you do I have no fucking idea that was another thing I liked about that old guy who smoked 12 cigars a day and he lived he's 109 he's still going

like one of the oldest World War two veterans out there what I liked about him was he paid cash for everything paid cash for everything you know just completely you know I wonder if you just slipped through the cracks after a while you came into this world and you just paid cash for everything and you never went on the internet you know somebody'd still take a fucking selfie with you and then that would be it and everybody like who's this guy who's this mysterious guy that's never been on the internet and pays cash for everything you know all the advertising world would be all obsessed we don't know what kind of toothpaste he uses we can't have that starts fucking spying on him with like a drone and shit

I don't know what's going on here I just had a bowl of cereal maybe that's what it is I thought it was a healthy bowl do you guys like the Czechs family of cereals I'm big on the Czechs families speaking of which so many cereals have just fucking disappeared when my wife was pregnant when she was preggers oh my god you look so cute when she was pregnant she was requesting all these fucking cereals you know from back in the day for some reason I'm thinking to be the ending of Star Trek right now wow she wanted alphabets they don't fucking make those anymore some somehow you can go to Target you know but that involves that involves like you know going to a mall it's one of those anchor stores you know which is the goal of anybody

with a small business some day I'm going to be an anchor store at a fucking mall then then I'll be happy right and you got a fucking deal with the parking garage and then you're like following somebody like a serial killer is it trying to get back to their fucking car and then they get in there and they start checked the text messages and the person behind you just starts beeping and it just becomes like you know what it just becomes one of those things we just have to be like you know what fuck this cereal fuck alphabets fuck blueberry count charcula frankenberry sugar corn smacks honeycomb fuck all of these cereals I don't know where they are anymore you know what they like they're like old music acts

that play casinos you know what I mean like lover boy there's somewhere right now this weekend and they're going to sing everybody's working for the weekend right there's somewhere do do do do do do do do do everybody needs a second chance you want a piece of my heart tell me that lead singer didn't kind of look like Dan Marino back in the day anyways that's what like old cereal is like they're on the casino tour they're not in my grocery stores as far as cereal goes food in general when you're in all the grocery stores that's you're at the height of your career right your Bruno Mars you're doing the fucking Prince thing at the Grammys right and then somewhere you know but you're on the you're right at the

fucking mid-level shelf to your headlining maybe even the top shelf but right at fucking an eyeball level whatever average height is you're right fucking there sandwiched between the Czech cereals of Czech family of cereals and then you got the corn flakes on the other side you're right there your big stupid fucking face and whatever sugary horseshit you're selling to the public right and then somewhere along the line it just you know you run out of hits you collaborate with the wrong people people's pallets change and then you get you get you get pushed out you know you start going to those places where you know you can only get them in certain cities you're only in target like Michelob um Michelob light Michelob light

the only place I've been able to buy that was in the city of New Orleans once Michelob ultra came along it just completely fucked over Michelob light I don't know where it went so first beer I ever got drunk on I love that beer I love me some Michelob light and um I don't know I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about I was just asking you guys if you like to check cereals you know I didn't want to do a whole 80s fucking comedy routine on cereal did I you know oh fuck it let's keep going then you got Wheaties Wheaties is like the Frank Sinatra you know like the Rat Pack like they're never going away their timeless fucking classics you know Fly me to the moon eat this fucking shit that's really not good

for you fucking Bruce Jenner didn't eat this that's not why he won the gold medal in other words he's a whore um anyways you got Wheaties what are the classics grape nuts they're hanging in there they're on the bottom shelf grape nuts is bottom shelf you know they're still there playing the fucking you know they're playing the big rooms but not the A rooms you know wasn't another one that's hung around for a long fucking time great nut flakes sort of the Billy Carter of the fucking great nut family all right I'm done with this fucking shit anyways let's let's talk about what's really important out there Nick DePaulo one of the fucking greatest comics I've ever seen his new special is on right now on CISO

actually at 8 p.m. tonight you gotta fucking watch this thing you don't have to but I would really appreciate it if you did it's called Inflammatory it's debuting today February 16th at 8 p.m. on CISO TV S E E S O TV to subscribe to his podcast just go to connectpal.com slash Nick all lowercase connectpal c-o-n-n-e-c-t-p-a-l.com slash Nick um that's what I'm doing I don't know what you're doing but that's what the fuck I'm doing um oh and Joey Roses also has a special on Comedy Central but Comedy Central is weird because they don't stream they're not weird they're old school you know what I mean you know what they're not streaming anymore so that channel they're at target right now and Netflix Netflix elbowed them out CISO's elbow that they're the

new the new uh they're like the millennials of fucking TV networks and they're just cutting all these cunts out you know and these other guys when I was a kid you had to buy a cable yeah you had to watch commercials um all right there's the elephant in the room that I have to address and I know every fucking french cunt from Montreal with your silly socks oh you're clapping right now aren't you huh all right so as I you know not everybody saw a comment you knew uh Claude Julian was going to take the fall for some of the moves that we've made and uh you know it and I was saying the entire fucking time that this guy won us our first cup in 40 years you know um why are we blaming this fucking guy yada yada yada please don't

fucking fire him what do they do they fire him so I tweeted out congratulations to any NHL team out there that's looking for a great coach that knows how to win a cup all right now having said that I had no fucking idea I had no fucking idea that the Montreal Canadians were going to fire their coach was a terry and they fired him all right and fucking picked him up and um as much as I hate to say this is a Bruins fan we fucking deserve it you know I don't know you know what happens is everybody does it they they were doing well with Pat Burns and Pat Burns got fucking sick of him I always thought Pat won a cup either in 86 and 93 with him I guess he didn't he existed in the middle like Don Mattingly

um and um I don't know I have no idea but I think I'm gonna say it right now the Canadians are gonna win a cup with Claude Julian if before you get excited you Montreal fans if they will win a cup if they're dumb ass fans in the media don't run them out of town first God knows they love doing that fucking dopes have you cunts up there you know what I mean why don't you get out there and skate around with your little fucking pocket square fucking bitch moaning and complaining the most arrogant fans on the face of the fucking earth without a fucking doubt a Montreal Canadian fans New York fans are pretty bad but there's just something about them they're dumb you just hear it they they fucking breathe through their mouths they eat big sandwiches they walk around in sweat

pants they get you know a guy like Paul Verzi who considers dressing up putting on a new pair of jeans and some air Jordans and a sweater I swear to God if Paul put that outfit on he'd be like I'm ready to meet the president okay that's your average New Yorker but they've written so many songs blowing that city that people think they're a cut above just because they you know their parents had unprotected sex there you know all those songs if I can make it there I'll make it do will you will you make it anywhere most New Yorkers can't even live outside of New York they have a fucking panic attack the second they get out of the two one two seven one eight fucking area code they're horrific they hold on to it like they move out here to LA and they keep

wearing this stupid fucking New York badge you know like some washed up athlete still wearing his high school fucking jacket they just can't they come out to LA and all they do is shit all over it's like so go back you dumb cunt you know you're gonna go back you're out here why don't you enjoy it go learn how to surf go have a fucking burrito go on a hike all right already with the fucking New York shit oh the head is fucking place we get the fucking leguini on the fucking 78 the fucking Amsterdam um I don't know look I'm fucking I'm not gonna take responsibility for anything that I say in this podcast um first of all because I'm not an adult and second of all because the lack of sleep I've had recently um yeah so the New York fans this there's still an element of

just you know they're morons they're like Boston fans Philly fans we're all mouth-breathing fucking morons now the Canadian fans okay the Canadian fans because they don't live in the United States they live in Canada they actually have to take the time to learn about other countries you know what I mean which makes them appear to be more intelligent but I'll tell you there's some of the most racist fucking people I've ever met in my life they lose a playoff series they burn down their fucking city they ran Patrick Wa out of town okay the fucking hornet's nest that Claude Julian just stepped into if they can somehow keep those people at bay and their stupid ass media the fucking media those fat fucks like they're gonna go out there and start skating if they don't run

him out of town I'm telling you right now if all of you fucking Montreal cunts can just keep you fucking yaps shut okay go buy yourself another pair of loafers and some silly fucking socks if you can just shut your fucking mouths and stop acting like you know how to run a team this guy could bring you a cup I'll tell you you got a 50-50 chance because they're not gonna be they you know they can't sit on their hands they can't they speak French you know there's something about speaking French all of a sudden you think you know stuff unless you're in France I want to go to France those people are cool you go to Montreal I don't know what the deal is so much of that was just absolute misinformation and I really enjoyed all of it

you know what congratulations to Claude Julian I'm really happy went to another original 16 I hate the fucking Canadians but I'm adult enough to not to not sit there I mean I hope he wins another fucking cup I don't want the Canadians to do it but I like him too much to to fucking root against him I will only root against him when it's hard because he's with the Canadians but like obviously if the Bruins are playing I'm going to root against him but uh he's just a fucking class act you know he said he's going to keep the rivalry going but he said something nice about the players and all of that and we'll see we'll see the only thing that can screw this up is the moron Canadian fans and their media you know if you can run Patrick Wa out of town maybe this ends the curse

the curse of Patrick Wa who knows we shall see but uh I just became a when he went to Montreal I just became a huge penguins and Washington capital fan I will be rooting hard not against Claude I just don't want to see the fucking I love that they haven't won one in 20 24 fucking years they're going on a quarter of a century for any other franchise that's totally acceptable but not for them they have to win a cup that's all they have I this is one thing of sympathy I will see actually I you know I love the city Montreal I'm fucking around with you guys beautiful women and you guys got fucked in 1994 and that would have been so great for baseball if the Montreal Expos even made it to a world series forget about winning winning the whole damn thing and they had

a young Pedro young Randy Johnson I mean they were fucking stacked and um I love National League Baseball my whole time growing up whenever I used to watch this week at baseball it was always a faster game it was hit and run they had all the Astro turf which I thought was cool when I was a kid and uh you know I you know I watched the Red Sox we were all American League we used to just keep signing one fucking home run hitter after another another lefty I'll tell you if this guy plays in Fenway Park he's gonna hit 80 home runs and all he did was just ground into double plays like the pitcher doesn't know why he was brought to town they just fucking low and inside high and inside those cunts always love those pitches low the low ball they'd

fucking whatever the fuck they would do sink around my big baseball guy they'd always would ground out and then they just work them right up the ladder and that fucking high heat on the inside they could never lay off it's three into the inning Red Sox leaving another six runners stranded it's not possible but that's what it felt like two runners brand whatever I was never good at math all right let's read some advertising here shall we all right frame bridge okay frame bridge do you have a thousand photos living in your phone and not a single one in a frame give your personal experience using frame bridge dot com I've never used it why frame bridge dude what am I gonna do frame a bunch of pictures of me taking pictures of people who took their

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using promo code burr that's see so dot com jesus christ spelled s e s o dot com promo code burr they got it written again see so dot com promo code burr fuck all right it's over hey speaking as much as uh claude julien has has left uh what's his face uh bruce cassidy is undefeated and we beat the canadiens shut those fuckers out four to nothing four to zip i didn't realize tuka rask was like oh nine in three at the td bank north garden lifetime against the canadiens i had no idea he had never won at home that's fucking weird to me my baby was the other guy i can't remember his name was our goaltender we won the fucking cup the guy wouldn't go to the white house and then took a year off to go find himself and then i never heard from him again i think he went

to the panthers anyways let's fucking plow ahead here shall we um oh billy no booze no cigars is still fucking cruising along i took my life insurance test and uh fucking guy took blood jesus creek he's like couldn't find the vein he fucking hacked up my arm big time so that's gonna bruise a little bit uh and you know what he was right but anyways i kind of like him not smoking cigars i haven't smoked since last year i like saying that so um i think i'm gonna go on a little run you know no booze no cigar i'll tell you a kid will keep you fucking sober you know instead of looking fondly for that fucking glass of scotch at night now all you're thinking about is oh my god when this kid goes to sleep when this kid goes to sleep i'm going to sleep and i am

gonna fucking sleep the whole fucking night away that's all i i'll tell you i care about right now it's just getting a little bit of sleep but uh but it's been fucking awesome man um already watching and changing watching now when she looks at stuff she could really like kind of take it in and i was still waiting for the first smile i still think it she just has gas if she's going to the bathroom um he starts smiling and you think they're smiling at you and you're like oh my god you're smiling at me and then you know you kind of drift out of the line of vision to see if they're still looking at you and then they just continue looking where your head was and it's just like oh all right i guess you're not um so anyways have i done my contractually obligation

obligated 33 minutes 30 minutes whatever the fuck i'm supposed to do on this um by the way still loving my car um loving it more than ever i had to put my truck in storage uh so what i do is on the weekends i just drive my car over to the storage i switch them out and um eventually eventually my next uh my next house because the layout of my house i don't know if this is going to work with one kid or if we decide to have another one i don't know if it's going to work out because it's either we're upstairs and the kids downstairs or we're downstairs and the kids upstairs that just doesn't fucking work out so i don't know maybe i'll have to move i have no idea but i will tell you this the next fucking place that i move i don't give a fuck about a view all i give

a shit about is a fucking driveway that you know is that isn't built for a model t fucking for it that is built for modern day cars i would love to have the fucking circle driveway you know those people like on dallas they had a big fucking ranch you know they have their own fucking street just driving all the way down there and um just have anything a little carport someplace in my truck that that is that's all i don't give any when i picture my dream house i don't even think about the house all i think about is the driveway the garage the garage i got a gym and i got a fucking uh a little drum room you know and i got a place for my truck in my car and when i come out i don't have to move like 20 fucking cars to get my fucking car out i don't have to move 20 guys

have to move my car in my wife's car but i feel like a valet you know that's all i give a shit about i don't give a i don't give a fuck about the rest of the house the rest of the house is for your wife they like that shit they're social okay men need to get away from shit and i can have in this fucking garage all right if i can just have a little place where i can work out and i got a place where i can play drums and i got my old truck and i got my car i mean what the fuck else do i need you know right there i'm good like i actually think my dream house is just a garage with a room above it you know and the garage has enough room for two cars a modern and a classic the back is the gym and then the drum room and then upstairs is a little fucking kitchen flat

screen tv right a little fucking humidor and whatever the fuck else you need dude maybe that you know something all this whole downsizing in life that's a fucking great idea oh shit the fucking divorce guy's house that's all it is and you just make an entire fucking street you know so they can still make their child support payments they can still pay their alimony and all that all these fucking women out there whining about how they know hey i don't make as much money yeah you do you get your check and his check so many of you do and you're still going to those fucking rallies standing out in the rain listening to alisha keys this crowd is on fire yeah the fuck out of here um what nia everything that i've said you're going to stare at me for

that hey nia listen to this idea come here come here nia oh come on don't be like that come here i have a great idea she goes don't be like what an asshole like you who what are we at the bus stop come here i'm saying that that insult was on the level of somebody standing at a bus stop oh look at the little cutie cakes what do you say there i love her softer feet now we have a daughter now so what does that mean you know what that means yeah it means i have to be extra funny because now i got two of you ladies i'm paying for are you funny is this is this what you consider funny move out of the way i want to put her down don't kiss me and try to make it cute oh shut up listen to me sit down i got an idea the divorce the divorce

guy's house okay all right so all it is is it's a two-car garage and in the back there's a little gym if you play drums like me there's a little drum room and above it is just this just like almost like a loft and that's your kitchen your flat screen tv your bed just the only thing that you need because when i think of our dream house i don't even think of the house that's that's all i want is that okay do you think that would work if i had a whole street of fucking divorcey divorce guys we're all paying alimony all playing child support all you strong women going to court oh my god a woman i can't afford to like what am i going to do in the real world and they have to give no idea what anybody goes through and divorce and having to get alimony or any of that kind of stuff yes i do

because i've divorced men i've talked to divorce men you talk to have you talked to any divorced women about it or you just talk on one side yes i did who i talked to a lot of them on rodeo drive i'm in the money i'm in the money i get my check and i get his fucking check to don't curse in front of the baby okay i'm in the money i'm in the money i get my check and i get his freaking two that's better huh you like that that was take two you guys just got the x to the outtake all right um oh look at her look how cute she is all right um i gotta i gotta close this up here um thank you guys for uh for listening i can't say this word in front of my daughter you know what i say you you you so-and-so's have a great weekend and i'll talk to you guys

uh go f yourself go f yourself don't take any s from anybody um i'll talk to you guys on Monday and uh congratulations to Claude julian for getting the respect you deserved you were unemployed for what two or three days uh best of luck to you even though you're with the Canadians unless you're playing my boards all right i'll see you uh hey what's going on it is uh bill burr and it is the monday morning podcast for monday february 16th 2009 in the year of the fucking what is it what is it the year of in china huh what animal is it that's one of those dumb conversations you have in a bar

when they'll have like a poster of that on the wall like what year you were born in you were born the year the monkey i can see that i can see that that now totally i can see that shut up you dumb cunt okay if you don't have anything to say it's okay to just not say anything you don't have to just start looking at shit on the walls and trying to force a conversation why don't you just stare straight ahead and think about how you ended up here you know how you can change things in the future so you won't have this screaming sound of fucking regret in your head all the time to the point that you're going to need to try to drown it out with some stupid fucking shit about a poster on the wall in this shithole bar

oh god that felt good um it's raining out here right now in california rainy days and mondays always get me down i fucking hated that song who sang that song that was the carpenters you know there's a woman to let shit get to her huh oh it's raining out i think i'll go throw up my breakfast that you fucking that was that was really really fucking mean that was really mean i apologize to the caron carpenters estate for that one i'm going to make a donation to the bulimia fund you know what someone's going to take that joke really seriously and i'm going to get some more fucking hate mail which i get on these things quite a bit sometimes quite a bit sometimes now you like that i said quite a bit i'm thinking in my head no

i really don't quite a bit it's actually sometimes so i try to fix the lie but anyway someone's gonna fucking uh not even the lie it was just like i was just exaggerating because you know that's just what you do you know what i mean like you just exaggerate you just get used to exaggerating whatever the fuck it is you do you know what i'm doing right now i'm doing the exact thing i just was given that hypothetical woman who was talking about the poster in the bar i was giving her shit about doing it and then i turned around and i did it you know so now someone else has to have a podcast trashing me and that's how it starts did that make sense i didn't think so um yeah so if you guys uh if you've never been out here to california at least

the uh southern part of it uh people always you know they talk about the weather out here how it's like groundhog day how you know every day is the exact same oh my god every day it's 70 and beautiful don't you get sick of it and i used to be that person but i kind of am starting to understand the weather out here and it's pretty fucking fascinating basically what happens is at the beginning of the year usually i guess this time of year around you know january february it rains almost every day for a month almost every fucking day it rains and what it does is obviously it builds up oh Jesus i really talk myself into a corner here i really don't know what the fuck i'm talking about but it's not going to stop me from plowing through this i was like it's it

builds up the shrubs and green things like i didn't even know what fucking word to use there just basically the hollywood hills you know they usually like you know brown and that type of shit because we live in a desert but uh after a month of this stuff everything becomes really green and really beautiful and uh you know then it stops raining and then it's 70 degrees out and everything's green and it's fucking gorgeous out here but what happens is over the over the course of the year because we live in a desert uh all that green shit starts to turn brown and it starts drying out and then when the santa anna winds come across it drives the shit out of it and then that's around fall and that's when we have fires out here and the funny thing is is the fires are

completely natural people out here for some reason they act like they're fucked up like oh my god the fire just jumped over the 405 holy shit what's gonna happen and we sit there we try to put the fire out which we shouldn't be doing nature is taking its fucking course it's burning out all that green shit and what the firemen do is they put the fucking fires out and they leave a bunch of brown shit you know that should have burned up but now isn't and then next year the fire is going to be even worse and it's just the typical shit like we think it's a tragedy because nature is doing what it naturally does and it's not nature's fault some fucking idiot built a house in the middle of shit that turns brown every year and catches on fire you know what i mean would you know would you

sit in a fireplace would you build a house in a giant fireplace i wouldn't do that so what i'm trying to say is the fucking living in the hills is overrated you want to live down here in the flat lands well the apartment buildings are what one palm tree catches on fire you mean the amount of people jogging by with water bottles can put that shit up but those fucking people who live up in the hills they're crazy not to mention all the fucking the soil dries out because there's so little water right because we live in a desert the soil drives out to like literally like the top six inches is like fucking bone dry so then when it rains like this that's what causes your mudslide because evidently it can't absorb it it's like dandruff and it just

washes down and it goes into the side of the guy's house and i watch it on the news and i laugh um what the fuck what the fuck am i talking about why don't i read some stories i got you know some i gotta tell you some uh i got some great questions this week i got some great stories and some great underrated overrated i really feel like my 14 listeners which i think is actually up to 22 i don't know what the fuck it is i just like saying 14 you guys are really up in your game here and um oh before i get into the stories everyone who submitted me who made the finals for that dvd competition could you please resend me your addresses half of you haven't two of you sent me your addresses and i lost the emails because i'm a fucking moron but um i don't want to get

i don't want to get charged with some sort of i don't want to be on like the news you know those investigative reporting things you had a podcast it was only doing okay so we decided to give away some dvds but the dvds never came um i want to i want to send them out so for the love of god all right bill why don't you shut the fuck up and read the story okay here's a great story for you um you know i do my whole little rants about the uh the automated checkout lines in uh in grocery stores and how i they're bullshit i don't think it's technological advancement it's technology technological advancement will be if i just walked up and somehow i just stood there and magically this machine knew what the fuck i owed and then i paid and then i left that would be

an advancement but to come up with an automated machine where now i go up there's no cashier and then i become the cashier to me is not technological advancements that's me working at the grocery store for free so one of my disciples who actually believed in this said hey bill here's something that happened yesterday you might appreciate he said i was in a stop and shop yesterday so i'm guessing that's east coast right dude let's go to the stop and shop get a fucking 30 pack of srows dude i was in stop and shop yesterday and just grabbing a couple of things there was one lane open and the four empty self check uh registers so basically one lane's open with the cashier and then there's four of those automated things that are wide open and

so he says reminding remembering the point you made in the podcast a few weeks ago about the whole self check concept i got back into the open line behind five or six people i guess that's a cashier line the girl who stays by the self check lanes came over and said she noticed i only had a few things and that i could just use the self checker and be out of there quicker i just said no that's okay i'm not going to do your people's job for you after she heard that she was like excuse me so i was like nothing i have no problem waiting i'm just not doing your job for you so she walks away and about a minute or two later a manager comes over to me and asks if there's a problem so i keep my composure at this point and tell him there's no problem that i just rather wait

online than ring up my own stuff he then goes on to tell me that his employee told him that i was being rude and disrespectful and that he was going to ask me to leave the store i said to him are you serious i didn't even raise my voice i just told her i'd rather wait in line and that the other people online stand next to me can vouch for me of course when he asked the other people what happened nobody said a goddamn word to defend me because i was apparently in a line with a group of Helen Keller's typical spineless fucking pussies right so this is his final point he says i understand that the girl was just trying to help me out by suggesting that i i use that line to get out of the store quicker but when i calmly told her that i was fine she didn't have to make

up some bullshit story to spite me when the day comes when cashiers are phased out and all there is is self-check registers and that cunt is out of a job i will have a nice chuckle to myself you know something like i can't get mad at you on that one i actually got annoyed by that girl and if she lost her job i'll be you know i don't know i think you're right on that one although i got to admit you know you you know to use the narrowest line in uh good fellas you uh you insulted a little bit a little bit you kind of insulted her you got to go nicer next time and just say listen you know what i mean i don't want you to lose your job those those machines are taking your job and i don't want to be a part of that so i'd rather stand in line here so you

guys can keep making a paycheck if you said it that way but you kind of went a little bit little bit went a little hostile and you were like yeah i'm not doing your job for you you know i mean i don't know did you have you know so go fuck yourself tone i have no idea but you know something i totally back you when you think that you know well i would i would have been a living in that situation i wouldn't have been able to control myself when that manager came over i would have been like i didn't say anything and i would swim in like you know these machines are bullshit at that point it would occur and they'd be like i'm sorry sir you need to you need to leave the store so um i don't know if that make any sense it's like i agreed with you and i scolded you

i agree with you when she doesn't have a job i'll be fucking happy too and you know i don't know i don't know what the well that's that's that's a that's a rough one that is a rough one i'm just fucking out of it today i had a real fucking bad time last night at comedy club i had two different people coming up to me saying shit like uh you know i'm not even fucking saying it's just one of those things where another comic comes up to you and as they compliment you on a joke you know that they're going to steal it you know they do that shit you know you know i really like that joke you did about uh blah blah blah blah you know it's just amazing you know when i watch comics all the different takes people have on things let me guess your take is the same as my take except

you switch two words you fucking cocksucker i'm all right next story hey bill uh thanks for driving that faggy hybrid this is always nice to read on a fucking monday hey bill thanks for driving that faggy hybrid every bit you guys save ensures that the ensures just that much more for me to use in my muscle car was wondering if you've got something that looks like a car or did you get the one shape like a butt plug all kidding aside i did you stand up podcast all that shit awesome um no hybrid looks like a butt plug i can be honest here i didn't know what a butt plug looks like i imagine it looks like something that you stick in the sink isn't that what a butt plug looks like i like how he's calling me a fag but he knows what a butt plug looks like you know something i'm going to chime in

early on the underrated overrated you know what's overrated muscle cars muscle cars are so fucking overrated it's ridiculous if you see those things those auctions they have these fucking baby boomer geek fucking rich douchebags are spending like 150 grand to get a 68 must bang the fuck is wrong with you fucking idiots probably can't even change the oil they want to go in there and get to you know the body off restoration playing 150 fucking thousand dollars for a mustang it's a mustang you know what i mean you fucking idiot you could literally go buy a piece of shit mustang you know not a piece of shit but it's got a decent party and just throw a new fucking engine in it why would you spend 150 grand look at it it's got the original well roll the window down handles

you know in 1968 these were actually shut up it's not worth 150 grand those cars are so fucking grossly overpriced those are overpriced those vintage guitars how does any musicians those fucking beat up fucking fenders and less paul's from 40 50 years ago that you know if you can't play you can't fucking play there's no reason there's no guitar that's worth 50 fucking thousand dollars and they got the shit kicked out of them they're all worn out they look like shit i don't understand it so we bought the point the other day well as stevie rave on he used to play an old guitar he got in a pawn shop he probably paid fucking 30 bucks for it i can tell you right now that thing was 50 grand he would have been playing a ukulele

on the texas flood album um but anyways i why do people think they're so manly if they have a muscle car i i don't fucking understand it it's like you can get one for 15 grand it's not like i couldn't afford to buy one that's just fucking idiot and just automatically makes you gay i got a minute it's the little tires there's little tires that make it faggy and you know what the guy's right they are faggy they are faggy look i don't know if they look like butt plugs you know all right you know what at the risk of having the fbi come to my door to find out what i'm doing i'm actually gonna go on the internet right now and i'm gonna fucking google images butt plugs you know what i picture i picture like i literally picture like a little

plug and it has like the threads like you literally screw it in and then it's got that little metal ring you just see this sort of pull it out all right is butt with two butt plug i'm gonna have to fucking burn this fucking ipod after i do this images all right butt plug search images for a butt plug here we go jesus christ that looks like a fucking grenade custom butt plug there's a paris silton butt plug and it's it's shaped like a hand oh my god these are horrific foxtail butt plug there's a family circus oof with a butt plug wow these are creepy sex toys are creepy okay these are gross um and to save you guys well i can't explain what they look like i guess they look like

i they look like christmas trees with the stand that's the only way i can i can describe it it's the same shape that's gross that's fucking gross see see but see the level you just fucking brought this podcast down to that is really disgusting um anyways we know something the audio of this will save me if the fbi comes i'm like p townsen i was just doing research um all right next one hey bill i saw you uh on comedy central in december and i've been listening to you ever since i know how strongly you feel about people what the fuck is this using the self-checkout which i agree with and i was wondering how you feel about people paying bills online this is a great question how do you what what do you feel about people paying bills online um i'll tell you

what i feel i think you're out of your fucking mind if you pay your bills online um i know it's easier and it's more convenient but uh you know that bullshit where they sit there and they try to say like this is a completely secure site you don't have to worry but this this fucking nerds out there breaking into the fucking computer at the pentagon you should you should never pay your bills online you shouldn't buy anything online you shouldn't do any of that you're rolling the dice because i'm not gonna lie to you i do it i do it but every time it's fucking stupid i i i won't pay my bills online i certainly won't do that online banking you're gonna put your fucking your your balance your your fucking uh account number all of that shit you're gonna put that

online you you're out of you you're out of your mind you're out of your mind but this guy's basically saying uh i'm probably beating a dead horse but the less mail that needs to be delivered the less carriers they need my brother is a mail carrier and it fucking pisses me off that people don't want to pay 42 cents to mail a letter i mean come on i'm a tight ass myself but you can't you can't buy shit with 42 cents what do you think um i don't know man email email people back and forth i mean there is an element of technology to it but i will tell you this like i will forever pay bills by you using uh the mail i'm a mailman i just i don't know it just seems i mean not saying that people can't fuck with your mail but i don't know i think you're out of your fucking mind if you at

the very least if you do your banking online you're out of your fucking mind unless you don't have shit anyway so you don't have your money who gives a fuck right that's one of the great things about being broke you know when you want to punch someone in the face you can't you don't have to worry about getting sued but i guess you got to worry about going to jail and you can't afford a good lawyer i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about um anyways let's talk about shit i have coming up um i'm going to be at uh wise guys comedy club uh this weekend in august in utah and this is my uh it's the first time i've ever been out i did a college here a number of years ago uh but i can't remember the last time i was out when the fuck was out in utah i don't remember

but anyways it's the show is on uh february 20th and the website is uh www.wiseguyscomedy.com if you're on my website you can click on the link it's right to the left hand side of the page and clicked on ogden uh i'm going to be there for one night one night only two shows and uh and that's it wait a second what the fuck are they saying here on the website oh they got it right they got it right so there you go so if you saw me in comedy central wrote a whole new fucking hour and uh yeah so all you Mormons whatever the hell you guys are out there you b y u fans come on out to the show and i'll make you fucking laugh and then i'll go back to my hotel room and stare out the window wonder what happened it's actually a scary place to land if i remember correctly salt lake

city is surrounded by mountains so they kind of have to fly over them and then at the last second do like a military landing just drop like 10 000 feet i believe um all right here we go let's get into the podcast questions for the week for the week all right bill question number one uh every now and then every now and again on shows like access hollywood entertainment tonight or or extra they let the everyday working class person know how much television and movie stars make every time i hear the ungodly amounts i'm disgusted as well i should be all right fully understanding the gluttony involving the government and the banks uh what about these repulsive repulsively overpaid stars um i don't why are you comparing celebrities to uh banks that stole

from everybody's 401k you know what's the worst a star can do put out a movie hype it say it's good and you're out 10 bucks you know what i mean and they usually most of them fall off after three years and um i don't know i don't think they're grossly overpaid i think they are overpaid because the actors underneath them don't make as much as they used to and the main person i guess gets most of the money but you know look if you fucking make a movie and you have me starring it or you have tom cruise starring it you know i mean you can't say tom cruise isn't worth the fucking money you put tom cruise in it it's guaranteed the fucking thing's gonna make 100 million dollars basically been doing that for 25 years i don't think that that guy's overpaid so uh i don't agree

with that i don't think that you can you know government stealing money and banks stealing money you can say that celebrities i don't know i don't think that's the same thing not to mention celebrities have no privacy whatsoever and uh i think they get paid right about what they deserve because when you get to that level of fame you need a huge house with a wall around it you need your own movie theater you need your own tennis courts because you can't fucking go anywhere you know because eventually you're gonna have to pick your nose and it's going to be on the cover of a magazine so you need you know 200 foot shrubs so you can comfortably get the underwear out of your ass and do what fucking human beings do does that make any sense all right bill i watch

a lot of stand-up comedy i critique it to death i analyze the joke delivery wording timing everything does decide what could have been done differently to make it funnier when i watch you perform everything you do and say seems to be spot on and it went perfectly planned i was wondering when you watch your own specials do you find parts that you are unhappy with or feel you could have done much better or differently yeah the whole fucking thing i won't like i when i go to edit it i watch it one time i watch it one time with one eye closed and uh and then i never watch it again i'm gonna be one of those people like if i ever get my own tv show i will never watch one episode of it yeah it's not a fucking natural thing to see the back of your head or

see what the side of your face looks like or to hear what your voice sounds like oh to watch you hold in a glass it's it's not natural to be outside of yourself watching yourself it's just fucking you know you haven't it's like this outer body experience it's just it's fucking weird and uh i don't know if you're comfortable doing it i don't i think that's i don't know more power to you but i i can't fucking do it so yeah i always think i think about stuff all the time well my uh you know certain times my hbl special man i i i that that one was uh that one wasn't too hard to watch because that one went great why do i do this wasn't too hard to watch but those i only watched them one time but like uh a bunch of shit earlier earlier on in my career

you know what it is it's when it's on tv that's when it freaks me out like if i film myself last night you know at the comedy store or whatever i could go home and i could watch it and i wouldn't have a problem watching it and i could actually enjoy it but the second i know it's going to be on tv and uh it's a fucking cell phone it's my girlfriend's cell phone huh california dreaming how gay is that why hey it's your phone um anyway what was i going to say yeah so but the second i know it's going to be on tv that's when it freaks me out and then i'm like oh my god you know anywhere from fucking a thousand people to fucking uh whatever how many people fucking watch comedy central however many of that is are going to see this shit and then everything i do

any little screw-up that i do becomes you know 900 feet tall and i freak the fuck out and probably comes down to the fact that i don't like myself oh that's sad though why don't you like yourself um i don't know i'm working on it all right bill what would you attempt to this is the person to ask me a bunch of new agey questions what would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail jump off a tall building you know i guess that wouldn't fail by jumping up jumping off a building and living you know i don't want to feel what that adrenaline adrenaline rush feels like because you're like fuck as you're going down i'd do something like that um i know that person wanted something a lot deeper than that let me see here what would you what would you attempt to do if

you knew you would not fail uh what would i do uh jesus christ i'd probably try to do some gondi shit you know if i wouldn't get assassinated i wish i had that kind of charisma if i could lead a gondi revolt against these fucking automated cashier machines you know i shoot small you know what i mean gondi you know what did he get he got england to fucking leave india what what thanks does he get he gets shot in the back of the fucking head or at least ben kinkley did i never i don't know much about the real gondi actually you know it's funny when i picture gondi i picture ben kinkley as gondi um number two bill you had two identities if you had two identities one is yourself and one is an animal what kind of

animal would you be you know something i feel like i'm on a really bad date right now uh what kind of animal would i be uh something that could run the fuck away really fast from these questions um if i could be one animal i think i'd be a bird because i've always thought it's a fly what kind of animal would i be uh something poisonous so i could fucking bite you on your ankle no that's mean i don't know what's my favorite animal i like bears yeah so stupid question number three bill what is one of the most valuable lessons you have learned so far to proof read the questions now what is i'm really trashing this person these are good questions you know what don't don't don't be if you if you're the person who wrote this you listen to me right now

don't feel bad that you wrote these okay this has nothing to do with you this has to do with me and all of a sudden you're tapping into an emotional level in me that i'm not comfortable exposing all right this is feeling like i have to relax and open up and it's just really fucking creeping me out all right let me fucking white knock on my way through this last one bill what is one of the most valuable lessons you have learned so far whether you learned it watching someone else go through the situation or you expected it yourself experience it yourself uh uh oh i would say that uh life doesn't have to be hard that you don't have to be miserable and that you don't have to be surrounded by a bunch of cunts and that uh if that's how you grew up

you know without even realizing it you go out into the world and you surround yourself with those same kinds of people just because you're used to it and then maybe one day you get to what i figured out about a year ago is like hey you know i really don't have to hang out with a bunch of assholes you know i think that's why so many marriages don't work out is because you just want to get away from your family and then you go out and you end up marrying the exact same kind of uh fuck i was just having this conversation last night over a couple of beers you know whatever misery you grew up with if you're not careful you go out and you marry it you know expecting change don't don't uh i guess that's what i i i thought i can't even say i

learned it i noticed it i noticed it i was like hey look at that shit over there all right good that's uh if you guys really want to freak me out ask me some new agey questions and that'll be a new section of the podcast where you get to watch me squirm and be fucking uncomfortable bring me up to right now 29 minutes all right let me try to keep these a little bit shorter here all right hey bill have you ever gotten revenge on a person on an object or an object like a printer in office space that movie um i gotta admit i'm not a big revenge person i don't feel comfortable with it i always like that goes to a really dark dark place that's like uh you're holding the hand of the devil when you when you do some

shit like that like i i walk away if someone really fucks me over i just let them learn that walk away like i've never uh you know you know if i ever dated a girl and she fucked me over something i just always i just said fuck it i walked away it's just not worth it it's not worth it i'm not doing it and i know me is not only you know have i just gotten fucked over now i'm going to seek revenge and there's odds are that i'm going to get caught seeking revenge and that's the worst because that's like one time i had like i when i first time i lived out here in la i came back from being on the road for two weeks and there was a there was a a note on my door saying that that they needed to check my smoke alarms and that they they needed to check them

by this certain date and by the time i got off the road the date was literally like a week earlier right so evidently they had the legal right to go into my apartment because if there was a if my smoke detectors you know are faulty a fire in my apartment affects the other units that was their reasoning so i walked in there i could just immediately tell that someone had been in my apartment and uh this one of these feels back in the day when i really did the road for a long time like when i came back you know from the i've been on the road so long like all the water had basically evaporated out of my toilet you know what i mean there was like a half an inch of water like that type of shit right and i was sitting there and i sat down

i was like fucking eat i don't know what it was some sort of uh i was gonna say esp i don't want the fucking proper term is but i could just feel it i was like something's not right and i got up and i and i looked through my apartment and i was mentioned missing a camera i was missing a watch and the person had picked through my cd collections evidently they were a rap fan because that's all they took and uh you know nickel and dime shit so i went downstairs to the management and i was like you know i come back from being on the road you say you're going to check my smoke detectors and i walk in there i'm missing a watch missing cds i'm missing cameras the place is still locked from the inside and the guy immediately just snapped on me says look i don't appreciate you coming

down here accusing me i'm like i didn't accuse anybody i didn't accuse anybody i don't appreciate you standing here getting upset with me like on this guy just he totally tried to grill his way through the shit and at one point he's just like whatever he's like i have the power i have the power he literally said that and i want to reach across and just rip this guy's fucking throat out so my girlfriend at the time goes you know who the guy is i'm like yes she goes you know where his car is yes she goes you should go down and fuck up his car and i really thought about doing it but i was like all right you just went down to the guy's office you just had a really heated argument with that fucking guy there was people there witnessed it you know what i mean

there's cameras in the garage if i do it i know i'm going to get fucking caught so uh actually i did get revenge what am i talking about i know what i did instead i stood outside the office and uh what did i do that's no no no i think it was still part of the argument someone came walking in and they were getting ready to rent uh an apartment in the building and i told them the story i go and i came back off the road and there's stuff missing and i'm talking to this guy and this guy's yelling at me i'm telling you the elevators are slow and the two people were like thanks a lot and they walked out and then i looked at the guy and i said let me tell you something i'm a comedian i don't work days i will sit out here every single day in a launch and i'll tell

every person who comes walking in there and i saw the guy get nervous and i knew i was completely full of shit because i had to go on on the road again the next day and uh so yeah i never seek revenge and it still bugs me and i try to lie to myself going you know what he'll get his that guy will get his and you know what i've realized uh those guys don't get this they continue to rob and steal but i don't maybe they're miserable do you guys believe in that shit do you think that they you know rent vengeance is mine set us the lord do you believe in that shit i kind of believe in it and then of them sometimes i think well didn't just some rich people write the bible so i would feel comfortable being poor yeah and we fuck you over don't take vengeance on us don't

worry this invisible guy after we're dead we're dead he'll take care of us that's the one thing why i don't believe in the bible because everyone who preaches it is living this this this lifestyle that they would not get into heaven you know like look at george bush george bush is a jesus freak the guy's out of his fucking mind you know he's out of his fucking mind would jesus you know somehow take us to war i'm not trying to get political here i'm not saying the guy did the right thing or the wrong thing i don't fucking know but i'm just saying you know if i was truly a jesus freak i would not advocate going to war and one of the things that scares me about fucking people getting to religion is the more religious they get the more violent and unaccepting they get

of other people that is one of the most hacky things i've ever said because other people have made that point but it's fucking true it's true like i don't give a shit about gay guys you know they can fucking blow each other all day long but the fuck do i care they're not hurting anybody you know i don't want to see it but we have laws against that don't blow your boyfriend out in the fucking street you know but i think you ought to be able to do it on a futon you know behind some walls i don't think you're going to hell i mean for me it'd be a whole hellacious experience but you know all right just continue on bill you made your point and now you're gonna ruin it all right plow ahead all right hey bill on tv they sometimes talk about how it cost 11 trillion dollars to have

chris rock come to your house and do 15 minutes of stand-up how much will it cost to have bill burr come over to a fans house and perform stand-up for 50 minutes what a great fucking question it would cost you i'd do it for i'd do it for 12 bucks but i would have some riders attached to it that would up the performance price okay first off there has to be some sort of stage okay and it literally could be that brick part that comes out from your fireplace i'll stand on that or maybe an ottoman you know what's an ottoman is that the thing you put your clothes in or is that the thing you put your feet on i'm talking about the thing you put your feet on one of those things and also i have to be helicoptered in you have to

have a backyard as big enough is big enough for me to land in okay and then i'm going to get off the helicopter and i'm going to be wearing a scarf silk scarf that you pay for that i will never address during my performance no one at the party is allowed to make eye contact with me everyone will sit around the fucking ottoman or that thing you put your feet on indian style and i will do my jokes and i will not look at any of you i will i will fucking be staring at the toaster the entire i want a toaster in the back of the room i'll do this for 12 bucks you pay me 12 you helicopter me in you buy the scarf i will stand on a fucking ottoman and i will do i'll do 25 minutes for 12 bucks all right you got the fucking 12 bucks and the money to book the helicopter

i will do it i'm really talking myself into a fucking youtube moment and um that's it but no one can make eye contact with me just like popa grandage grandage village and you don't say good night to nobody that way she got to stare at the fucking floor when she walks out jelly um you know something that's that's the tandem i'm waiting to get back together everybody talks about walter mathow and jack lemon back in the day what about mickey ruck and eric roberts can they get together again mickey ruck is back i think it's time for those guys to do another fucking movie before they're too goddamn old so there you go there's your there's your answer 12 bucks a helicopter ride no eye contact a scarf and a fucking ottoman and you got yourself a comedian but not for 50

minutes all right you give me 24 bucks i'll do the 50 minutes all right here we go overrated underrated okay uh underrated um how awesome whoever the first guy was to coin the phrase mustache ride i have to admit i've never heard of this this phrase how much confidence and creepiness does one have to ooze in order to say something like that to an actual living breathing woman probably happened sometime during this the 70s when everyone was sporting a mustache in a leisure suit oh is that what you did back in the day hey sweetheart you like to take a mustache ride i don't know i've never heard of that one um oh here's a good one uh underrated what red wine will do to your erection true story a while back i had a girl over for dinner at my place i drank

about three glasses of wine i was expecting to make out with her it was kind of a first date so i wasn't expecting the opportunity to get laid so evidently this guy kept drinking so well the opportunity arose to get laid and i didn't i was sitting on the edge of my bed pulling my dick like i was trying to get an old lawn mower to start and nothing you know embarrassing this to be jerking off in front of a girl while apologizing i think i've been there um i can never look that girl in the eye again i've heard the term whiskey dick but never heard a mention of red wine how come no one ever told me that that could happen um i think whiskey dick just sort of was supposed to be all encompassing of alcohol in general i think whiskey dick i guess has a decent ring to it

beer dick doesn't sound good wine dick actually whiskey dick doesn't sound good either i've never liked that either i never liked that expression it's gonna be some sort of alliteration going on there or beer cock that's not good wine willy willy willy wino i don't know what it is but no whiskey dick means all alcohol but no one ever explained that because i would you took it literally like oh don't drink whiskey i won't be able to get an erection but evidently i can drink fucking red wine all night like some fucking divorced 48-year-old woman with two kids what's wrong with you as a man that you're sitting there drinking red wine was that her idea

were you wearing a scarf i bet you were you should have been helicoptered in with your bottle of red wine all right overrated how excited people get over getting their tax refund you know something that's one of the best overrated ever that's a fucking great one someone's like i'm getting 3000 back from the government 3000 back from the 16 000 they they took from me throughout the year and the kicker is that while i was sitting in my accountant's office i don't really use government i realized i don't really use government services i don't have any kids in school i live in new york city so i don't drive on state roads i'm 27 and i've never needed a cop throughout my whole life i never called the fire department

i'd never been on welfare the only thing the government has done for me in the past year is pick up my garbage and make sure i get more hd channels i realized i have to pay taxes and ultimately i don't mind doing it but in the hindsight 13 000 is way too much to pay to have someone take away your garbage that's more than a thousand bucks a month i could drive a top of the line lexus for that type of money yeah and put your garbage in the trunk and take it over to the dump exactly but you know what the funny thing is about people getting their tax refund back they're all excited and they don't really they never stop to think that you gave the government an interest-free loan like you could have had that three grand plus the money that you owed the

government sitting in your bank account or whatever earning interest and then the end of the year you could just give them the money that you owed them you should what is that you claim zero is that what it is that's what you should do and then you get some sort of psycho accountant to whittle the fucking charges down and then you pay them that's how you do it you don't as most people they don't want to deal you know and they just kind of look at that dude it's money in the bank no it isn't it isn't money in the bank it's money lost that's what it is and then what do they do when they get their fucking money back what do they do they go out and they take it and they go out and buy a shiny liability dude it went out and they brought a fucking flat screen dude that's what I did

and that's great it's great do you realize the second you hung it on your wall it's worth six hundred bucks now you dumb fuck um underrated mom and pop hardware stores emailing classic bruce lee kung fu movies and good girls oh good girls are so underrated so underrated why do we always pick the horse fellas huh why you know why because you dick you dick it's your fucking dick I don't even explain it I don't even need to explain it it just goes back to that discovery channel thing the same way the lions you know the lionesses are sitting there and when they look at the herd do they go after the best gazelle no they go after the weakest one because it's the easiest kill that's what it is it's fucking what it is all right uh overrated um giant corporate stores

iphone's jacky chan movies and valentine's day really one day out of the year where the price of roses teddy bears and chocolate skyrockets because some naked baby wants to fly around shooting arrows and people's asses just surprise your girl on a random day with that shit she won't expect it and will appreciate 100 times more than if you did it on valentine's day could not agree with you more I gotta say something you guys are really up in your fucking game here you know great questions great underrated overrated great stories I mean I didn't have to do shit this week I just sat here and fucking read it like a fucking local newscaster which is kind of good because I think I was kind of off my game today sitting here in my freezing fucking cold apartment I got this awful

heater you know what I mean it's dealing with my place where I live in it's a really cool building but it's old as fuck it's like one of those old time hollywood you know back when it said hollywood land that's when this thing was built it was made in the uh late 1930s I like living in old places like that but the you know sucks to heat them I always like think about the conversations you know what I mean oh like shit that happened like you know I bet Charlie Chaplin came over here and banged some wannabe starlet in my shower his little hitler mustache getting all fucking wet you know I'm just picturing Charlie Chaplin still wearing that fucking that hat and making that I'm fucking you real good face you know you bite your lower lip ah he was probably all nervous too because

what happened to fatty arbuckle but he still had to do it you know because he didn't pick a good girl he didn't he went over here and fucked a whore you know that's what I always when you ever wonder about you ever get an old apartment you just wonder what the fuck happened you know like this this place was around like right before world war two all the conversations that have taken place all that stuff the amount of people from different generations bitching about how this heater doesn't work I don't know the red scare Kennedy getting whacked the white flight in Detroit I don't know why I just brought that up you know why because the guy fucking shaves my heads from Detroit and he lived through all that shit Detroit it's such a sad fucking city this guy was telling me how

back in the day some of the richest people in the world lived in Detroit back when the big three was the big three and the Ford family they all lived there and because they had all this cash all these great department stores all these museums in Detroit look at it years later eight mile M&M kid rock these angry fucking white kids because they grew up in a fucking BFI bin what's a BFI bin bill well that's the name of the fucking waste management in Massachusetts a garbage dump the dumpster all right all right I guess that's that's you know I had rainy Monday energy on this one but what are you gonna do you can't have a bitch about these fucking things because they're free all right and if you are go fuck yourself get cheap fuck

you know I've actually had you know people criticize my podcast the one was as good as Liz weeks really do you feel cheated out of money you fucking cunt you know how hard it is to babble by yourself wow all the way up to 47 minutes I really have diarrhea the fucking mouth here all right let me get off the phone here all right so the hero here are some of my upcoming gigs I have a gig on uh shit what is the fucking date of it well I know I'm gonna be an Ogden this weekend and I'm gonna be uh I have an LA date coming up hang on hang on let me open it up where the fuck is it I don't know what the fuck it is shit I'm gonna be at the comedy store doing a show on oh I know I'm going to my cell phone here this is garbage time right now

Irvine what oh I guess I'm gonna be an Irvine the Irvine improv in February 24th is that right you know what I'll have the information next week it'll be no big deal but I've got a couple of LA shows coming up um you know what I have to call somebody right now you want to hear me call and ask somebody about what the fuck one of my next gig is is your life that empty are you really is that how much you hate your fucking job you're actually gonna listen to this phone call it is isn't it you got to do a gut check right now who is that computer lady please enjoy the music while your party is reached I'm on hold right now hang on hey Jeff when am I doing that show with you at the comedy store February 26th okay cool all right I just need to put it I'm going to put

it on my website right now all right okay all right I'll look I'm doing good I got somebody on the other line let me call you right back okay bye uh you like that all right February 26th I'm going to be at the comedy store and uh in Los Angeles doing uh Jeff Richard show it's a show to help benefit uh hungry people people don't have any food you know and it's not starving people either it's just you know like you ever been driving around town you're like ah fuck I'm starving those kinds of people people who actually do like have eaten that day but they haven't eaten in six hours so they feel like they're starving we're actually going to help them out you know because everybody's helping out those starving kids in Africa anybody can do that shit who actually

helps out starving people who technically aren't starving they just haven't eaten in a while and their bodies are now breaking down the muscle that they built up at the gym all right thank you very much for listening um please keep the great podcast questions coming the underrated overrated the movie reviews calling my car faggy whatever the fuck you want to do and uh that's it oh look at the sun came out right at the end of the podcast isn't that beautiful talk to you next week bye you I want to buy a little river behind you Yeah, a lot of words from out of silk Jump, I'll rain a silent bell Beneath the shower of pearls and the eagle

Wing palace of the queen child I want to buy a little river behind you Yeah, a lot of words from out of silk I want to buy a little river behind you Yeah, a lot of words from out of silk I want to buy a little river behind you Yeah, a lot of words from out of silk I want to buy a little river behind you Yeah, a lot of words from out of silk I want to buy a little river behind you Yeah, a lot of words from out of silk Yeah, a lot of words from out of silk Yeah, a lot of words from out of silk

Yeah, a lot of words from out of silk Yeah, a lot of words from out of silk Yeah, a lot of words from out of silk Yeah, a lot of words from out of silk