Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-23

Episode Date: February 16, 2023

Bill rambles with Todd Parker about Bill's first time on stage, giant slices, and Todd's new book Billionaire Boogeymen. Helix:  Helix is offering up to 20% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at www.HelixSleep.com/BURR Fight Club:  To get started and to get your free gifts with purchase, go to www.FightCamp.com/BURR

Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Um, once again, we have a guest. This is like we have guests all through February. Um, how do I intro this son of a bitch? This guy I've known for like 30 coming up on 31 years. He literally the first time I ever did stand up, it was a comedy competition. Fine Boston's funniest college students.

It was a competition. They needed judges. This guy was one of the judges. He literally saw the first time I went on stage and, uh, amazing comedian and he has a new book out called billionaire boogeyman, which I've been reading. It's a fucking page turner. Please welcome the one and only Todd Parker dude, Todd Parker. What's going on, man?

How you doing? I'm good to see you. How come let's, you know, let's just fucking address it. All right. Right out of the gate. Here we go. What about my set on March 2nd, 1992, that just fucking made you not pick me and you picked somebody else?

What was it? What did you not see? It was 92 puppets. We're nodding at that time. I thought, you know what, it wasn't even a good puppet. It's like made out of paper cups and shit. I'm like, come on. I didn't have that.

I did have a dental mask though for what I had technically a prop act. And you know what's funny? Was you the guy that made me realize that I that because back then, dude, how did you how rigid were the where the the lines back then? Like you couldn't fucking do anything. It was so weird. Like it started off like Milton Burrell 40 years earlier, early as in like a fucking dress on TV, you know, totally in drag, anything for a laugh.

And by the time 1992, it literally became, you know, if you moved around too much, you were a hack. It was like, dude, you should just be able to stand there without even moving and just say your jokes and fucking kill. So I had a I worked in a dental office with my dad, my dad, and I had like this this this thing when you were drilling people's teeth, all this shit would come out of their mouth. It was fucking disgusting. And the nerve people have to hate the dentist the way they don't even take care of their

teeth and you come in and you you fix them. And they're like, oh, they blame you for the pain, right? So it was a fucking like a tennis visor and it was all plastic and had this clear plastic like a welding mask. And that was my closing bit. I would be like, you know, talking about working in dental office, I mean, my job's so fucked up. I'd be like, I have to wear this.

And I would put it on and the crowd would go nuts, of course. And then I had no joke. And then I would have it on and I'd go, good night, everybody. You had a joke. I remember a joke. You had a line. You had a line about people not taking care. You think one tic-tac in the lobby is going to cover up six months of regret?

No, no. No, that wasn't the mass joke. The mass was, I just put it on, that was, I'll give you guys a hint. Yeah. What was it? 20 years neglect is not cured by a tic-tac in the waiting room. That's right. That's what I said.

I said, you think you got it bad? You know, you don't have any idea what that smells like. Let me tell you something. He goes, 20 years of neglect is not cured by a tic-tac in the waiting room because they all be doing it in there chewing and putting these fucking breath, all these fucking garbage mouth people. I didn't shame you about it, though. Dude, I had another joke on my act.

This guy came in the office and he said, uh, he said, Doc, get on it. I keep getting these cavities. I don't know what to say. I mean, I brush my teeth almost every day and then my line in my act was, oh yeah, do you wipe your ass almost every time you take a shit? And I was working totally clean. And then I didn't know if you, oh, look at this wholesome Ron Howard looking guy. And then I would do you wipe your ass almost every time you take a shit.

Good night, everybody. I would always do that. Anyway, I fucking had that goddamn mask and you were the guy and we were upstairs at the cowloon and I sat down and because I remember I had a little duffel bag. I would bring it up on. It was so fucking bad, dude. So embarrassing. So I literally said to you like, you're like, hey, dude, how's it going?

You don't fucking Todd Parker. Hey, dude, how's it going? It sounds just like me. And I was like, uh, I was like, yeah, it's going good. You know, I was like, you know, I kind of, uh, kind of stopped doing that dental mask thing. You know, I was kind of thinking like, you know, it's kind of like, I'm so not funny that I have to bring stuff on stage to make me funny. And you just went, yeah.

And when you said that, dude, like literally my heart sunk. I'm like, oh my God, everybody thinks I'm a fucking hack. Oh, what a dick. I'm sorry. My career's over. You're not alone. I had, I had props at the beginning too. You know, I did, I had two props when I first started out.

The first thing, my first few times I, at the time, all the rage in the 80s were guys driving in Irox, right? You know, honking at girls. I was every, so I'm such a great car, yeah, but such a great car. I had a, I had a bike horn that I had under my shirt and you couldn't see it. I was way skinny back then and you just couldn't see it. So I was doing an impression of these Italian guys who drive Irox like, how do they honk at girls when they don't have the car?

Like what are they in the mall? And I go like that and it always got a laugh. Yes. But I think like maybe Tony V was one of the early guys who went, mm, like I did to you like, mm, yeah. So I was like, oh, props are bad. What about the night you forgot the horn and you're like, oh, fuck, I can't, I can't do the joke.

And then you just like, and I got to cover this time and I don't have enough. I need the not having an I rock horn in my pants joke. Terror. 30% of my five minutes. Yeah, it was terror. So we all, we both, the two of us started out, you started a couple of years. When'd you start? 87, 88.

88. So I started 92. So you were a grizzled vet to me. God, this guy's been doing it for years by the time I started. And that was back when Nick's comedy stop was just the fucking place to be. And I was talking about that earlier. It was like this great sort of also weird time in Boston where like the, the theater district, the combat zone, which is where all the hookers and pimps and drug addicts

and all that shit were. And then Chinatown, all sort of like overlapped each other and you walked out and you had no idea what you were going to run into is like, I'm going to get some comedy, I see a good show. Am I going to get a hooker? Am I going to get stabbed? I'm going to get some great Chinese food. Right.

Yeah. Dominic's was like the Barnes-Dowers. Everything was in there. There were cops. There were hookers. There were bikers. Yeah. And it was sort of like this Switzerland where the hookers could come in, chill.

Everybody knew who everybody was. And then the comics, Noxie, rest of soul, everybody else, they would be in that corner. And that was like a big deal for me. Like not only because, you know, when you first a new comic, you would walk in the front door and there was that big guy sitting there. I know he's not here anymore. That was Dominic. That was Dominic.

That was Dominic. Yeah. Dude, that guy looked like Porky from fucking the movie Porky's. He did. And he was one of those guys who sat with his fucking legs like this. The fat was the shirt, the fat was the pants, and then these two little skinny legs. And he used to sit there and he had like that cane. Yeah.

Yeah. And when you were a young comic, you would walk in the front door. But when you started to get, I remember the first time I walked over there, Noxie was just like, Hey, you know, good set tonight, buddy. Why don't you come over to the, come over to Damage with us. And I walked with him and somebody else. They were all like six foot something. Those original comics.

Huge guys. Yeah. Big guys. And they walked through the back door. I was like, Oh my God, I'm going through the back door and you walk in and it was like clearly just fucking all of, of what you just mentioned. And then all of the customers in future arrest, all the Johns. Yeah.

And I was just like, All right, let me take a break before I get another blow job. Yeah. And there was always some couple who came in there by accident, you know, like the people who had theater tickets, right, who walked across the street from the show and they walk in and they're surrounded all of a sudden by Larry Pucci and bikers and hookers and cops and everybody's just laughing and loud. And they're like, could we get a, you know, a screwdriver or whatever. Yeah.

Coming out of like the Wang, which kind of brings me to this book here. What a segue. Wow. What a segue. This is his new book, a billionaire boogeyman, which has everything that, oh, let me, there you go. Everything that I love in it. It's got the Illuminati.

It's got conspiracy theory. It's got fucking, um, um, Bilderberg group type of stuff, all the conspiracies all jammed to this book. And where I am in the book, it takes place. Right seems like down there, warrants and streets, Stuart Street, all of that shit right down there, Nick's comedy stuff. So, um, what, uh, since I've known you, you've never been a novelist, dude. At what point did you, uh, sit down?

Cause I know you've done stand up, you've painted. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, you're like this sort of low-key triple thread here. Now all of a sudden you wrote a book and I'm sitting there going like, oh my God, Todd Parker. He writes, he can read that fucking jerk off from the column. That fucking kid can read from Riviera.

Yeah. I started reading it on, on the plane. I'm like, this is a big fucking destroyed the flight. I just, I killed it. I just kept reading. That was great. I appreciate it. It's an actual, it's an actual, I hate how you just said thanks.

It's, it's queaked. It bugged me. It did. Yeah. It bugged me too. As soon as it came out, I'm like, he's going to, he's going to jump on that. It makes me not want to promote your book. He's not going to let that go.

I'm not going to promote your book. You know what it was? It was the happiness, there was joy in it. You can't stand other people being so joyful. No, as comedians, our rule is we have to, we have to lay, I got to kill that right now. What was it about the guy that you didn't vote for that night 30 years ago, 31 years ago? You know what?

I wish. I wish. Liking the book that made you so excited. Because you knew it was a legitimate compliment. Because you've known for years, I was like one of these days. You've been grudging on me for 31 years. I wish I could go back in time and I tell people this story whenever anybody asks, like, hey, do you know Bill Burr, like when it comes out I'm a Boston comic.

I'm like, yeah, as a matter of fact, and I tell them and they're like, it's not what you say. Yeah, I know that fucking heck. That son of a bit used to bring a dental mask on stage. No. I have to navigate carefully when I talk about you. Why? Because it goes into like, so wait, he used to open for you?

Really? Yeah. Well then, okay, so you're here. It chucks and he's way up there. How did that happen? So I want to avoid all that. You know how that happens? Because this business isn't fair.

Oh, stop it. You're just being humble and nice. It's fucking random. It's random. Come on. Save that for the... Listen, first of all, you know I'm not nice. That's not true.

You've got the image, but I know underneath it all you're a caring, sensitive guy. It comes out. I know. You don't want people to know that. Fuck you too. You want everybody to know, Bill Burr, fuck you guys, you fucking cunt, but everybody knows you're really nice. Everybody knows you know that.

Dude, I got mad at a hanger yesterday. What did the hanger do? It broke. Nope. I just took a shirt off it and it fucking exploded and it just set me off with this like, like how much fucking money do you have to make? Right. And you know they sit there going like, okay, they can take the shirt off like 3.7 times

and then it's going to explode. What kind of hanger was it? Because I'm very particular about my hangers. I like the plastic ones with the metal top that turns. Exactly. No, I like the ones that have like the fake velour. Oh, I hate those. On those.

Yeah, that top comes right off. The velour one like sticks to my t-shirts. I don't like that feeling when you go to pull the t-shirt off that velour. That bugs me. That like really... Yeah, no seriously, I'm not fucking around right now. You know what I like? I don't like to fucking hangers from the dry cleaner.

I take those back. Those are like the ghetto hangers. No, but they're great hangers but it's also like, you know, I am into the environment, you know, a little bit. Little bit. You can tell by the way I dress. Little bit. Little bit.

Little bit. I like it, you know. I'm not going to say it. I'll try to drink out of metal. I've dropped this thing so many times. Look at this thing. It's like fucking tipping over here. Is that supposed to be flat?

It's supposed to be flat but I keep dropping it in the parking lot and in my driveway so if you look at the bottom there... Oh shit, I just poured water on me. There we go. That's a good joke for that. It looks like the back of some fat chick's thighs. Ouch. Or to be fair, the side where my mantits are.

Anyway, I have a good Dominic story. I don't know if you know this. Okay, what do you got? Did you ever go to karaoke night at Dominics? I don't remember which night it was. Yes. Maybe it was Tuesday. I'm not sure.

And I saw Dane Cook crush that Queen song. That Dane... He named Rhapsody or something? Really? Fucking killed it. And I remember going like, there's no fucking way this kid's not going to make it. Right. Because he was already killing on stage.

Go ahead. I used to do Dream On badly. Like I can't sing. Oh. I know, I can't sing. But I was so bad at it that the crowd would like it. And it would be jammed and it would be jam-packed. And one time there were all these bikers, there was a line of 20 motorcycles out front and

they were all surrounding the stage, right? Remember they had that like brass railing? No dude, you don't fuck with Aerosmith with those bikers in Boston. I was having fun. I'm 22 years old. Having a blast. What are we doing now? Okay.

Do you remember the brass railing that went around? It was like a... Yes. So I'm doing Dream On badly and the crowd was with me but these bikers, like you said, one guy just wasn't having it. And he climbs up over the railing and he gets down in front of me on all fours and he starts going like... He's covered in leather and studs.

And I was so young and so stupid that I would just thought, oh, he wants to fuck with me, I'll fuck with him. So I got down behind him and I grabbed his hips and I started dry fucking him. Oh my God. I swear to God. And he goes, what the f... And he goes to get up but I'm clamped on. I do not let go.

And he's like trying to get away. How hard are his friends laughing? They're dying. They're dying and screaming and standing up. And he goes over to the brass railing and he's climbing it up like Apollo Creed at the end of like Rocky II and he's like, oh, and he keeps going down and I am not letting go and I'm just going, bark, bark, bark like that. And his friends go nuts.

And then finally, you know, we wrap up, he gets away and I could not pay for a beer whenever those bikers were there afterwards. I was like a guy. Are you fucking kidding me? No, they loved it. What about the guy you did it to? Was he laughing too? He kept his distance.

No, he kept his distance. He was not happy. You kind of assaulted him. A little bit. But you know, he drew first blood, not me. He crawled. Dude, I love that you didn't let go. No, I did.

I had the death grip on him. I did not let him go. He was like walking around. He's walking around. On the back of the Bronco. Luckily, he was like not a huge guy. He was like one of the skinnier ones, you know, because I was tying. Dude, is there anything worse than when you think you're going to be the guy joking and

you become the fucking joke like, oh, I'm going to be the, I'm going to be the cut up. I'm going to be the guy with the lampshade on my head and next to, you know, simulated ass rape. That's how it goes. A tale is all this time. Yet for Dominic's, that's just another Tuesday. I know, dude, that was such a. And what a fucking slice of pizza was like a double slice of pizza.

You know, it's funny. Dave Portnoy said something very profound about pizza. The guy from Barstool Sports, if you don't know who he is, I know you. You know, I don't. I know you got kids. You got kids. No, I mean, you've been an aspect. You know, I have no idea.

Oh, that's right. Right. I have no clue what you're talking about. He was saying a giant slice of pizza is never good. Was basically, you know, it's like that's like you hammered. You know what I mean? That's just like they're trying to make it up with like the portion. Dominic's was the only place in Boston I ever got a double slice.

That was the only thing that ever broke that rule. Because I remember when he said that he does these pizza reviews. And when he said that, I forget where I was. I just went, yes. Yeah, that is that is 100 percent fucking. Anytime there's a giant slice, I got one in Philly. People, somebody told me to go there. There's this giant slice of pizza.

Dude, it fucking sucked. Fucking sucked. And then you ate all those calories. It's the worst. Yeah, the Dominic's slice was great. It had the perfect amount of grease. Like if you held it, the grease would drip. And that's how I judge a good slice of pizza.

I like grease. I too. Not so much anymore. Let me ask you, how the fuck do you grow up in Boston and you don't in your not into sports? Did you hate your dad was in the sports? And this is your way of the family. My family, my dad and my brother, huge sports nuts. But I just never got it.

I mean, football, baseball, it's a bunch of guys and tights running around in the grass. I don't. What? If you can't simulate ass raping them, you have no interest. I just said, it just doesn't appeal to me. I just, you know, I'd have conversations with my dad. We'd be trying to get me into it, you know, like, oh, there's a really important game. Watch this. I need like something would happen.

Somebody would jump and I go, well, the six million dollar man can jump like that. And he'd be like, the six million dollar man's not real. And I'm like, well, so what's going on? You go sci-fi on them. That's like the double heartbreak. You broke his heart. I did break his heart. Yeah, I did. Now, let me ask you this. Was there anything like when your kids were coming up?

Is there any because I've already started to experience this. Well, my kids tell me that sports are boring. Like, dad, you always watch sports. They're boring because they're young. They don't get it. My son likes car racing because he loves the movies cars. So if he actually sees real cars for two laps, he'll be like, he'll do that. And then he's just like, I'm bored with this shit. And he wants to watch garbage trucks pick up trash.

So was there anything and how did you handle it if they did? It's heartbreaking. You know, I wish that they were more into comic books and they're not. And but I get to accept it. I get to take it. But luckily, both my kids are huge horror movie fans. So that's cool. Yeah, that's great. Because I started them out real young, like probably I was a bad parent. I shouldn't have let them see the things that they've seen.

But, you know, living in L.A., early on, they were watching things like the Exorcist and the ring and the ring. The ring. Yeah. Oh, dude, I got a story about that one. Tell me. I was in fucking Peoria, Illinois in an unknown Pete Holmes still married Pete Holmes. If you ever saw his his show crashing, I love Pete Holmes. He's funny. He's fucking hilarious.

He was still married and he was opening for me at this place. Brewster's, I want to say. And during to kill a day, we went to go see a movie and we went to the matinee of the ring. And we walked into this dumpy theater and we were literally the only two people and that movie scared them. I can't handle like I take the ride, dude. Like they scared the shit out of me.

I fucking hate horror movies. They scared. Oh, my God, they scared the shit out of me. So I fucking get back to my room. And right when I get back to my room, this fucking asshole, he called my room and it was one of those, you know, Peoria was an old school phone and it had that perfect ring, dude, my fucking heart just went down to my stomach and I picked up and he goes seven days. I'm like, you fucking asshole.

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you know, like just you watch like a horror movie and it like doesn't scare you as much as it's just sort of like a spectacle. But then there's the ones that have you like looking over your shoulder. Right. Now, to me, like I feel like my theory with horror movies is that the special effects got so good,

they forgot how to build suspense. Because back in the day when all they had was a guy in a wood, a wig with like a fucking ax in the woods, they had to build like that with the fucking music and looking around the corner and oh, there's nobody there. And then the old school, you turn around and there he is. Like they used to build that up. Like I got one for you.

A low, a sort of like, I guess a B side horror movie. I saw this movie one night called Dark Knight of the Scarecrow. Okay, yeah. You ever saw that? From the 70s, right? Oh my God. Yes, there was always a guy like mentally ill.

Somebody always got raped, right? And all those 71s, it was super fucking. That's a great movie. Dude, that movie scared the fucking shit out of me. It was basically this mentally challenged dude. Something happened, they blamed it on the mentally challenged dude and then they killed him. And then the next, cause he hid in the Scarecrow.

And then they kill him, spoiler alert. And then like the next fucking day, like a few days later, like after he's dead and the town's folks somehow, you know, I don't know, they just buy the story of the assholes, the football player and assholes who killed him. All of a sudden, like the wife of one of the guys, like the next day or something like that is just like,

oh honey, hey, thanks for putting that Scarecrow out in the field. He's like, I didn't put a Scarecrow out in the field. So he goes, well, what's that? And they turn, and they just cut to the Scarecrow in the field and they just go, chink! Like that. Like I fucking hate that.

And then it was like, it's weird because you should be rooting for this mentally challenged dude, but now he's like dead. And I'm like, no, it's weird. That was a weird movie because I kind of didn't know. It's like I'm supposed to be rooting for him, but you're playing this music like he's the bad guy now. Like it kind of like, it gets away from itself a little bit.

They were much more suspenseful back in the 70s. Yeah, they really built it up. I mean, now everything is jump scares and loud noises and bang, bang, bang. Dude, I gotta wear earplugs to the movies because I have tonight is from drums and helicopters. I actually something fucking, I had a four-wheeler I towed the helicopter out with

and it fucking backfired like a gunshot my fucking ear. I know, thank God it came back down though. Came back down. So then I just got a, I got a chew. I'm glad you're okay. No, I was worried. You're such a dick. You've been a dick for fucking 30.

Now you're gonna shit on me. Oh, now you're gonna be the victim? You call me up, you beg me to be on your podcast. Like I'm on here and now you're shitting all over me. I'm making a fool out of me. Can I take you? There's hundreds of people listening. There's a barber shop right down the street.

Can I get your goatee lined up? It looks like a goatee growing into a beard. Why does it go out so fucking far? That has bugged me for like seven fucking years. Which is my intention. I'm glad. Too many guys do it this way. I'm glad you shave.

What are you doing? You were out of control with that thing. What are you talking about? The giant fucking Chris Kringle red beard you had for a while. The big Fenway Park show? You didn't like that? I swear to God, when I got to the Fenway Park show,

the only thing in my head was, I hope he shaved the fucking beard. I hope he's not gonna go up like that. Because I saw you a few nights earlier at giggles and I'm like, that beard's out of control, man. He looks like a fucking lumberjack. No, I got it, I got it, yeah. I just, I got it lined up before I went up there.

But it was still making a statement. Dude, you look like you put your face in something. Dude, you look like the guy in that Rudolph the red nose reindeer cartoon from the kids, the one who was walking around. That's what I think of when I see, when your beard's that big. You know what's funny?

I used to get teased, like everybody loved those fucking claymation things when they came out. I'm like, ah, fuck, is the heat miser on tonight? I go, there goes 10 days of my childhood, 10 straight day. Hey, film birthday, I missed a heat miser. You know, when I was little, I'd be like,

I don't look like that guy, which is the worst. Wait, you had a beard when you were a kid? No, the heat miser. Oh, you're talking about the guy who his hair was up like that? Yeah, it was all fucking red and all sticking out When you were young, I don't know how you were as a kid, but when you were in your early 20s,

at Nick's back of the day, your hair was still doing that. Your hair was like really up. I remember describing you to people. It was, it was definitely a race ahead. I'd be talking to somebody, you go, hey, have you worked with Bill Burr yet? And they're like, who's Bill Burr?

And I'm like, you know, he's that kid, you know, he's young, he looks like the guy from Simply Red. And they'd be like, oh, that kid. And I'm like, yeah, that kid, yeah. Yeah, it was a bad period for me. We all had a bad period. Dude, we all, I was gonna say, we all have bad periods. Yeah, that was probably, yeah, I was still in college.

Yeah, you were, you were shy. That was me, yeah, but that was me subtly rebelling. That was, that was me. That was like how introverted I was. Against who? I'm not, I don't know what. Your parents, you're walking around going, oh yeah, Ted. No, I'm not gonna be a dentist, dad.

Here, suck it, dad, look at my hair. Probably, it was something going on. I don't even know what to do, but I was, I was a, when I, when you first met me, dude. I was a fucking mess, dude. I was a- No, that's wrong, that's not correct. No, that doesn't go along with my memory.

When I first met you- Oh, you met- You were a normal, like easygoing, kind of shy kid. Oh, absolutely. No, no, that's who I thought I was. That's who I thought I was. That was me, no, that was who I became. Because all the bullshit that had me,

I became that guy, so I got along with people so they would stop fucking with me. But that was not who I was at all. I remember a distinct change in you. Around 1999, 2000, where you, me, Wayne Previti went to birds on Franklin. Rest his soul, Wayne Previti. You know what, earlier when you-

I had a dream about him last night. A little bit that I can't, I can't hear any good fellas reference without thinking of Wayne. I know. You know, do you had a dream about him? Well, I had this long fucked up dream. It was just a fucked up dream.

I can't even, like, am I even gonna tell you? I was, for some reason, I was doing a roast for some football team, which I've done that before for sports teams, it's not the easiest gig. So I was doing it and I said something and the whole fucking room got quiet. Like I offended somebody. And then this woman came over with her kids

and for some reason they were there in the locker room. And she came over, it was worse than her yelling me. She just like hugged me and was like crying on the side of my face. I'm like, what's the matter? She goes, why would you say those things? And I'm like, what are you fucking, she goes, I got my kids here.

I'm like, this guy's showering over there. You're in a locker room. I did that. I forget, and it progressed somehow in the end. I was in one of my old apartments in New York. And Wayne Previty, who I loved to death, unfortunately, who passed away, came walking through the door

and then these two West Highland Terriers came running out that they were mine. We used to have West Highland Terriers when I was a kid and we used to tease the shit out of them and they would attack company. And I was totally freaking out that they were gonna bite Wayne and they didn't. They came out and they were nice.

Yeah, so what that is, I think that part of the dream represents how I came up and then I'm realizing that my kids are not gonna be like me. They're actually gonna be nice and not be fucking lunatics. I understand that. As far as the woman crying on me, I don't know what that is.

She's probably like, you know, you're just a hurt kid, stop hurting other people. You asshole, you're too old to be doing this. Yeah, I don't, you know. Yeah, I don't know. And then the naked guys is just par for the course. The naked guys, just, when have you not had a dream with naked guys?

Yeah, I mean, it doesn't everybody. I mean, I dream every night of naked men. Although, you know, Wayne visiting you a dream, I totally believe that when we see dead people in our dreams, that's really them. Like, I believe that. Like, every, maybe once. Well, he could have said something to the fucking asshole.

He just was standing there. He wasn't even smiling. He just opened the door and there he was. He's just letting you know he's watching. Dude, I used to hang out with Wayne Pravity like every single fucking day when I lived out here, you know, the first time and then the second time. I hung with that.

We joined a gym together. We were at this place called Bulldog Gym. I used to go there too, yeah. Lebray, it was a great fucking gym. It was awesome. I mean, everything's something else now. But that Hollywood gym that went around the corner, Rogan, I think used to go to that one.

Yeah, Rogan went to the one across the street. Rogan's always had a gym. We all know that that fucking guy has been just shredded. When I met him, he was like that. He must have been voted most likely to be jacked his whole life. I mean, there is something to be said though

about never stopping working out and stuff because those guys, they fucking... Yeah, it's like elastic, it goes back. Yeah. Yeah, so like I kind of, me, I'm like a cardiogram as far as my work and I wish I had, his discipline is insane. The first time I met Rogan was at a place

called Barnabees in Somerville. Did you ever work there? Back when it was Slomerville. Back when it wasn't nice. Yeah, it wasn't a fun place to be. No, it wasn't. It was in the basement of a restaurant called Red Bones. And it was called, yeah, it was called...

No, I'm sorry, I'm confusing two different places. No, that's right, yeah. It was called Barnabees. And it was a tiny little basement. It was dungy, but they got crowds. And Tommy Dunham used to book it. Another guy who's passed away. Rest his soul, yeah.

Rest his soul, funny guy. He used to book me down in Weymouth on Route 3. The Bomo? No, he would be just leaning. He'd come and he'd just be on the couch. Big guy. He'd just be leaning. He'd just be like, you're open?

You funny? Yeah. Like I hope so. He had like that mob vibe. Yeah, he did, he did. He used to book it and so one night we were there. I'd never met Rogan. Rogan was there too.

And Tommy goes, hey, you see that guy over there? I go, yeah, he goes, I think it's Joe Rogan. And I was like, oh yeah, he goes, he's doing one of your bits. And I'm like, really? He goes, yeah, he's a fucking asshole. He thinks you suck and he doesn't care. And I'm like, what? He goes, you should say something to him.

And I'm like, which bit of mine is he doing? He's like, oh, he's doing the cat bit. And I'm like, fuck. So I go up to Joe and when I get closer to Joe, when I see like, you know, he's wearing a T-shirt, but you can still see this like rips, like, you know, veins. Wrinkles where there shouldn't be wrinkles between like the shoulder and the chest, you know what I mean?

So I go up to him and I- He has an extra delta. Yeah. And I go, hey, I go, why is Tommy trying to trick me into fucking with you? And he goes, oh, because he knows I kick your ass. Oh, you figured it out? But yeah, before I got to him, I realized, oh, okay.

You know, when I got closer to Joe and there's that like, an aura of don't fuck with that guy. Yes. So I realized it. You can feel the wind from his last kicks. You ever see a spin and heel kick? I mean, it's just- Yeah, it's amazing.

To this day, yeah. But I didn't want to, you know, I'm already there. And I go, hey, so why is Tommy trying to trick me into fuck with you? Why is Tommy? Yeah, he goes, because you know I kick your ass. And so I said, well, you try. Because you know, it's Boston.

Yes. I can't just suffer, throw away my dignity. I still have to, even though I know he'd kill me, I still have to put forward a front. You simulate raping bikers, man. You had a rip. Oh, my voice just went up. You had a rip.

And when it happened, I really lost faith in you. I really thought, now he's doing what I did. Yeah. So he says, I fucking kill you. And I go, dude, well, you try. And he looks me up and down. He goes, dude, I would fucking destroy you. And I'm like, wow, OK, he's really confident about this.

I go, I'm just curious. Why are you so sure that you would destroy me? And he goes, Tommy knows I am a champion at Taekwondo and all this stuff. And so I went, oh, really? And then now I'm thinking he's a little bit full of shit the way he's talking, because he's so talking about how great he is.

So I'm like, we start talking about martial arts movies. And there was a scene and an episode of Kung Fu, I think. I go, that scene where the guy jumps up and he kicks the beam. And he goes, yeah, I could do that. And I went, come on. He goes, no, I could do that. And we're in the basement, right?

And there are these beams that are above us. And they're like, I don't know. It's still a ceiling. It's not like you have to be 6'7 to walk around in there. I mean, it's still. So I go, what about that beam right there? And he goes, he takes a couple of steps back. He jumps up.

And he does, in midair, kind of a split. And he hits it with his foot. And I don't mean he hit it. I mean, he hit it hard, where dust came off of it. And I was like, holy shit, dude, wow. That would have been your head. That would have been under your chin. He kicked through your head.

I'm like, wow, dude, that's amazing. And then, you know, we hung, he came into the circle after that, like he was in my class. Yeah, I always, you guys had, you had a really good class. You, Rogan. Robbie Prince. Robbie Prince, Lalletta. Greg Fitzsimmons.

Greg Fitzsimmons. Paul Elwell. Paul Elwell. Tommy Dunham. A couple of the guys you wouldn't know. One of my first road gigs ever, Paul Elwell, I opened for him. Oh yeah? And he wanted to go water skiing.

We were on this lake and he goes, watch this. He goes, I'm just gonna keep talking about water skiing. Cause it was the end of the summer and everybody put their boats away. And he basically said, I'm gonna keep talking about water skiing. And one of these wives is gonna bug their husband and we're gonna go water skiing.

And I go, all right. And he goes up there and he just started doing it. I don't know how you work in water skiing into every other fucking bit, but he did it. And by the time we got off stage, you know, he ends the thing, this fucking woman comes up and you see the guy standing there like, you know, I guess I could take the cover off and blah blah.

We stayed the next day and this guy just fucking took him water skiing, dragged me across the lake. That was his, his bonus. So he was doing it because he genuinely wanted to go water skiing. He wasn't doing it like, I'm gonna talk about water skiing the whole time just to see if I can do it.

No, he evidently water skied. Huh. I thought you meant like that we used to tease, dare each other to do shit. No, he just wanted the crowd to give him some free water skiing. And he just went up there and it was amazing. Wow.

Yeah, I remember that guy. I remember he bought this Eagle Talon. Remember that Eagle Talon? He was into this Chrysler. Is that a car? Yeah, it was a car. And he was saying like, this is the fucking car to buy. I don't know shit about cars either.

Yeah, Time says that. I've never seen that one come across a Meekam app auction. Do you know what those are? No. They auction off old cars. No. Coming up next. I'm free of all that stuff.

I get to go through life not worrying about sports or cars or anything. It's just. But yeah, but you fill it up with something. Yeah, I do. I do. Ooh, little shame in that. You looked down at the ground.

No, you looked down at the ground. There was that on camera? Did I look devastated? I go, yeah, but you fill it up with something else. You literally just go like this, like. Yeah. Yeah, I do. What was that about?

Let's explore that. You're too old to be reading comic books and you know it, don't you? I've actually been selling off my comics. It's turned into a fun little hobby on the side. It just so happens that a bunch of the comics that I bought when I was a kid, like at cover price, that I've kept in pretty good condition,

bagged and boarded. Because of the. What does boarded mean? They go in a plastic bag with a board behind it to keep it flat. Do they say B&B in the industry? They just say bagged and boarded. Bill.

Do you go to Comic-Con? I have. I have that issue of B&B. But I've been selling them off. And it's not like a lot of money, but it's fun, it's a good little hobby. It's also, isn't it great though to free up that space in your house?

No, just in your house. Like I mean, I'm really big into getting rid of shit and not accepting new shit. You know what I mean? People trying to give you, hey, you want this? Does your wife work against you on that? Because my wife does that all the time. Like someone could be giving away something

and my wife will be like, yeah, we'll take it. And we fight about this because you know, like a neighbor, hey, we're getting rid of our refrigerator, we're getting a new one. And she'll tell me this, maybe part of it is because I don't want to have to deal with moving this friggin' thing into the house, but we have two refrigerators.

Why do we need a third refrigerator? And you go, well, we can get rid of the one in the garage and use this one. It's like a $6,000 refrigerator. And I'm like, ugh. Yeah, honey, why do you think they're getting rid of it? Exactly. It leaks, there's something wrong with it.

If it's such a good refrigerator, why are they giving it to us? Right. They're not even selling it? Right. They want that thing out of the house. That's a horror movie right there. That's like the what about Bob's,

a fuckin' refrigerator, sorry, hicked up there. What about Bob's of refrigerators? See, this is what it's like to hang with a Boston guy. You have to call yourself on your shit before he does. Yeah, you can't show any weakness if you get to grab it right away. No, my, you know, women, they're into stuff. The way guys are into, real guys are into sports.

My wife is into contraptions. Sorry, comic books. She needs all kinds of devices. Gadgets. Everything from label makers. Well, you know why that is. Why? Is she feels like you're not man enough.

So she feels you have to, she has to cover. I see. She has to like, say you're like 60% a man. She has to buy 40% more gadgets to make up for it. Now, I'm gonna take that insults. I had raised you. And I'm gonna put you on the spot because I need a punch for something.

Because I've got an idea for a bit. Okay. I realize she's been tricking me for years to get me to do yard work and shit by going, hey honey, you know, on a Saturday I wake up, days full, I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself. But she has plans in her head and she'll be like, what do you want to do?

Do you want to clean out the garage? You don't want to mow the lawn. All of a sudden I'm like- That's what you do to a toddler. Yes. Yes. That says no wind. What do you want to do?

Right. You want to sit here and eat or go to bed? And she does this to me. And I've been following for it for years because my brain's like that big. But now I'm like, wow, okay. So as a bit I would say, I turned it around on her. So honey, what do you want me to do?

Blank or blank? So should I put in having the college girl next to her blow me or something else? You know what I mean? But I'm trying to keep blow jobs out of my act. It's been too long. Right. Robbie Prince has shit in me years.

Like there's no joke I can't put a blow job into. Well, maybe that's your calling card. Maybe that's when people ask about your hobbies you look down on shame because for all these years you've never been yourself. I think you time to let that flower bloom. I should embrace the dick jokes. Because that's how I was going to say,

what do you want to do? Suck my dick or fucking ride my cook. Right? I mean, that's the easy. That's the bar room joke. Yeah. See? You know who would have been a great comic?

Tony Saragusa of the Ravens. Rest his soul. I just watched the thing. Every one of his stories he told on that 30 for 30 was, so then I told the guy to shove it up his ass. And he was like, hey, today. You know what I say? Buddy, kiss my ass.

And he's like, ah! All the people. I love how you throw out a sports name and expect me to know what you're talking about. I don't expect. I just like the look of confusion and panic on your face. I didn't know if you were talking about an actor or what you were talking about.

Tony Saragusa from the Ravens. Oh, that's cool. But I don't know if the Ravens is a band or if that's... A comic book? Isn't that a superhero? Isn't that a Raven? I don't know of a Raven, but that doesn't... Is there a crow?

There was a crow. There's a hot guy. Yeah, but that's DC. I'm not into DC. I'm a Marvel guy, dude. Come on, represent. You mainstream fucking... That's like rooting for the Yankees.

Come on, man. You can't go DC. Yeah, but I've been doing it since the 70s. I've been doing it since the 70s. Oh, you're old school. Oh, yeah. But DC has Batman. DC has Batman.

Yeah. That's the best one there is. Yeah, is he? Yeah. No, he's all right. I think he's overrated, Batman. No, there's all kinds of great stories there. He's got all this money.

He bangs some chicks. Every once in a while, he wants to jump over the fence. He's got Robin. He jumps over the fence. He swings his leg over. He's very progressive. He's got some...

He's got a cool car, a cool motorcycle, and a boat. He's got all the toys. Superman's got none of that. He doesn't need it. He's a fucking nerd. He's down there working at the paper. Oh, he's got a scoop for you. Okay.

There's horned rim glasses. Superman is basically any your average fucking juice head at a gold's gym with a cape on. That's all he is. You know what's interesting? I read this thing. Although he does have a fortress of solitude.

He does. Which I like the tone of that. Like this bitch is driving me crazy. That's his 18 holes of golf. You know? Because he's so fucking super. He can't deal with anybody else. So he can't hang with anyone.

He's still an orphan. Still an orphan. He's not an orphan. He's an orphan. He's not an orphan. What are you talking about? He's not an orphan. Superman's not an orphan.

He has parents. See, now this is what comic book geeks live for. They just died. I feel like I just wandered into a sports convention. And I'm the only one. Lauren Green was his dad. Who? Lauren Green.

Lauren Green. Was Christopher Reeve Superman's dad? No, that was Marlon Brando. He was like, get out of here. You little shit. I love how like the planet's blowing up and they can get him out of there, but they can't,

he just get on the thing he got out of there. He tried to warn everybody. Things like this big. Why don't they make the plane out of what they make the black box out of? I just went 80s comedies on you. You just went full Seinfeld, yeah. Was that Seinfeld?

Well, that was my impression, but I was doing bad 80s comedy. In a Seinfeld voice. In a Seinfeld voice, but no, Seinfeld, come on. Are we gonna talk some more? You watch your mouth. The blowjob jokes. How dare you even say that man's name?

Do you know one time I opened for you? No, no. Oh, yes. That was his adopted dad. I believe that. Yeah, Glen Ford was his adopted dad, but his biological dad was... Brando, yeah.

Now I've lost all credibility for being... I'm waiting for a board game to come on the table. I'm waiting for a board game to come on the table. I'm waiting for a board game to come on the table. I'm waiting for a board game to come on the table. Tell me your craziest road story. Dude, you was funny. I can't even remember him anymore.

I don't know. I don't know. Craziest road story is far like what? Like crazy things that happened. Like getting ready for this. I was talking to Robbie and I'm like, give me some stories. I know he's going to ask me some stuff.

So... Well, I put a few in my pocket just in case that I didn't know if you'd heard of. Like Noxie stories, Bob Seibel stories. So you don't really want to hear my story. You just want to tell your story. Wow, see, there you go. The psycho analyst in you is really out of control.

Well, maybe you're just an easy guy to figure out. You ever think that? Wow. Well played. Well played. Yes, I'm not a mystery. Yeah, this guy used to fucking bully me at Bennigan's. Don't fucking do your little...

Like you couldn't tell. You were a mean kid. Are you talking about on the trivia machine? No, no, I'm fucking with you. You were always a nice guy. You were a dick. But that, you know... Not a bad word.

Everybody was a dick. I know, I know, I know. Relax. You know who didn't know? Bobby Kelly. What? I would do to Bobby Kelly shit that I would do to you and do to other people,

but Bobby Kelly didn't get what I was doing. And I didn't know for like... It's all about respect, dude. For a full two years, he thought I hated him. Where like he never talked to me. And one time we were together and I said, dude, how come you don't talk to me? What's going on?

And he was like, well, I know you don't like me. And I said, where do you get that from? He goes, the way you do, you say this and you say that and you do this and that. And I'm like, dude, I'm just fucking with you. We do that to everybody. And I felt really bad. What did he say?

What did I say? It wasn't what I... No, what did he say? He was like, oh, okay. And then everything was fine. But it was the weirdest thing. And it bummed me out. I didn't intend to hurt his feelings for so long.

I'm sure he got over it, dude. Okay, like he had like three or four fathers growing up. So I mean, he was going to take shit. He did? Yeah. And the guy with the bike horn is walking around going, hey, asshole. Like Goodwill Hunting was boring to Bobby Kelly.

Wow. It's like, dude, only one guy with a wrench. I lived with him, man. Into York, right? Yeah, we almost fucking killed each other. And our friendship got stronger simultaneously. It was the most fucked up. Yeah, dude.

We were like beyond broken toys. And we were living in a railroad apartment. And it was somebody else's. So I got the walkthrough bedroom and he was sleeping in the living room. And we were just like, basically, we just all living on top of each other. We were fucking animals doing it.

It was one of those days, dude, the day. So let me hear Bob Sybell. I love Rest is Soul. Bobby Sybell. Are you sure you want to hear it or am I just projecting my stories onto you? Like, are you sincerely genuinely want to hear the story? Or are you just saying that now

because I've thrown it up and if you don't take it, you look like a bad host. I don't want to hear it. He has a new book out. No, I don't want to hear it. I miss all of those days, dude. Bobby Sybell and I, greatest guy in the world. So nice.

I mean, genuine, just heart of gold. But he had no, like he would not exist in 2023. Like he would not be able to navigate all the current thinking in the current culture. We were doing a gig in Connecticut. And we were put up in a Holiday Inn. And he got there before I did. It's a good gig, Holiday Inn.

Yeah. It's a nice, nice hotel. Absolutely, absolutely. Continental breakfast. That's a decent hotel. Room had a microwave. So he got there before I did. And I'm checking in.

He's already in the room. The guy gives me the key. And I walk down and whatever room it was, I go to put the key in. And as I'm putting the key in, there's this family coming down the hall behind me. Most pure bread family you can imagine. Like white mom and dad, everybody's like blonde

and they look just like out of a, a 60s, yeah, exactly. And as I push the door open, they're like basically right behind me so they can look into the room. And Cy Bell's lying on the bed naked. And he's got his dick. And he's holding his dick and twirling his dick.

And he's like Bert Reynolds. Like a Bert Reynolds layout. All hairy and shit. And he looks at me with a family behind me. And he goes, Paka, get in here, you filthy cocksucker. And this family just like freezes. Oh my God. And there was no time to say like,

he's a comedian, he's kidding or anything. I just like ran in and slammed the door, which made it look even worse. Oh no. Yeah. What, their faces just dropped? From what I saw, they would just like, you know, the little kids, little kids like.

Jesus. Yeah, that's my favorite Bob Cy Bell story. Oh yeah. There was a lot of like unwanted male nudity growing up in the 70s and shit like that. Like I still, I'll still never forget this, this guy, we were coming out of a Red Sox game. And you remember when Mooning was a thing?

Oh yeah. These bunch of drunks on this big yellow bus had taken this, had taken this thing to the game. And this guy in the end decided he was, he was going to moon the crowd. So you remember those little windows you'd bring down? Dude, he sticks his hairy ass out the window to the point like his balls are kind of hanging out too.

And I remember just looking up and seeing that. And I remember my dad going like, oh Jesus Christ, honey, look, honey, look, there goes that Christ. I go say, I wish I had a pole. Yeah, there was a lot. Dude, I did a fight a fucking construction job one time. You did? Yeah, and this fucking guy only lasted like fucking eight

days. I was just like, I was, we were roofing, man. I couldn't, it was so. Oh, so that bit is based on a real thing? Oh dude. I just remembered I could not eat enough sandwiches. I was just still hungry and I was just, I was red as a lobster.

And this fucking guy, he had like on a pair of like Dickies and they had this giant like fucking hole here. Like you usually have on your knee. Oh no. Just to the right or left of his junk and he wouldn't wear underwear. And one day, one day I'm sitting there picking up something and he stepped over it and the whole moved like junk.

And I just remember looking at him. I was back when I didn't say anything. Like I, he was also like my brother's, no, he was the boss's brother. So I couldn't fucking say anything, but I wanted to be like, dude, what the fuck? Did it ruin your sandwich? Dude, I never forgot it.

Were you eating? Like, were you like? Dude, I could pick his junk out of a lineup. Like that's how much it burned into my brain. Cause I was literally down there and it was just like, it was just kind of like, now looking back, it's like, why did you do, what the fuck is going on with you? He had to know.

That's definitely new. Like you can't look at that every day when you're putting on your jeans and not know that's going to happen. Dude, full package. Uncircumcised. Oh, see, that's even worse. Hang in there like a condom.

You know what I've learned though? Don't ever make fun of uncircumcised dicks in mixed company. Because you don't know who's uncircumcised. No, uncircumcised. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's what I mean. I'm kidding, I just wanted to say snowflake. I was with a group of people and I was shitting on, you know, uncircumcised penis.

And all of a sudden this one couple got quiet and her name's Kat, she looked at her husband Scott. And I was like, oh, shit, I fucked up. I go, hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, you know, sure it's lovely, but what do you do? Oh, I thought you should say that she wanted him to get circumcised and he did and they fucked it up. No, no, they didn't marry.

I was dick rich when he fucks. Isn't that a thing? Isn't that our webpage dedicated to that? I only know from what I've read about Elvis and his uncircumcised penis. I guess it does tear. What does? The foreskin.

What doesn't? According to the biographies I've read, yeah. That doesn't make any sense. Look, I'm not a doctor, I'm just telling you. So you're saying, you're saying he would complain. Elvis would complain to his buddies that he was having sex and he just dick would tear. That's because he was having so much sex.

Could be. Yeah. He's putting it in their butt. No lube. It's the 50s, there was no lube, there was a war going on. The 50s, what do you mean? The 27, up to the 77, well, the last couple years probably.

I don't think he was fucking that much when he was on the pills, he was that fat. Yeah, I don't think so. I don't think it's so. I don't think his dick was getting up to the higher registers. You doing coke now? No, it's just like I thought my nose was running

and all I need is to have a big snot bubble coming out so I thought I'd turn my head. All right. We're gonna go back to the book. Yeah, go back to the book. I'd be honest with you, dude, I didn't even know you could read. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

You're not the first one, you know, and that's just part of the real fear stigma. I've been telling people, you know, on the comics that I started to go, dude, Todd wrote a book and it's really fucking good. It's like they always just, Todd? Yeah, I can hear that. And it's really insulting.

I know, but you think about, isn't it all, like so much of who you are is based on how you did in school and then you just carry that and where your social status was. So you just, like, if unless you were like the quarterback of the popular kids, most people just kind of walk around

thinking they're morons unless they created, they went into their ego and they just created this other guy that just fucking knows everything. So Dick Joe comics can't have any intelligence, that everybody just assumes they're just drunk assholes? No, my thing with like, I never looked at it that way because I remember getting back to Rogan,

when Rogan was young, like, you know, all of those guys that couldn't follow him would shit on him in his act and say, oh, he's silly, he just goes up there and it's filth, filth, filth, filth, filth. And I went up, I mean, I went up to the Kowloon and the first time I saw him, it was like, this guy's not dirt,

like this thought, if there's thought behind it, it's not a dick joke. A dick joke is just a lazy thing. I always quote this joke that when the first ones that I saw Rogan do that I just fucking loved was he was talking about, you know, women complaining that guys, you know, didn't know what they were doing in bed.

And he goes, ladies, that kind of works both ways. He goes, you ever have a, you guys, you ever have a woman give you a hand job? He goes, it's like brushing your teeth with your left hand. Then of course he expounded on that. And I was like, dude, that is such a great, because everybody at some point, whatever reason,

you're like, what have I tried? What have I lost this arm and had a brush and teeth? It's like you're pushing the right. So he had like, you know, that tiger's fucking thing was, I mean, that was amazing. That was a monster to follow. He sounded like a fucking tiger. And I also remember like his stage presence.

The first time I saw him at the Kowloon, and then I saw him and he had this set in Aspen back when they had that comedy festival. And he just walked on stage killing. And the only thing that sucked was this fucking guy doing the sound, kept turning it down. And I came up to him. Because he was yelling and he thought he was helping?

Yeah, he thought he was helping. I just remember, it was like really bringing, like you still felt the power of it, but this guy really, he was turning down his lightsaber, right? So I said something to the guy and he goes like, oh yeah, he's like, I compressed the hell out of him. And I was just like, I said to him,

I wish you didn't. Because it was like, you could just see, it was like, it was like turning down AC DC at that point. You know, Joe was a younger guy. It was like a different, like that whole energy thing. Yeah, I loved it. I like, there was so many guys from back then. I remember you telling the crowd to shut up

because they were laughing too much. I was like, Jesus Christ. Really? Yeah, you were telling a story and they were laughing. You're going, shut up, shut up. I got to get to the good part because they were laughing too early. And I just remember, I was in awe of all that going like,

I'm up there just trying to get laughs. This guy's getting so many laughs, he has to tell the crowd to be quiet, to stop laughing. So there's all of that stuff kind of burned in there. And one of the things that I loved was how much you fucked with Lolletta. Oh yeah. There was this comedian in Boston, Jim Lolletta,

and he would. Great guy. Great guy. Oh boy. He'd give you the shirt off his back. Here come some stories. If you got to go, great guy. He's a great guy, but this is what I did.

Jim, we used to hang out all the time. I loved Jim. He just happens to have neon bright buttons that he basically begs to be fucked with. Like he just loves it. I mean, like I said, I've got nothing but respect for Jim. Not only is he hilarious, but he would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.

He's always there. But he was one of those big hearted guys. You couldn't help but tease him. Like he used to do this thing for a while. I didn't have a car. So, and he lived in Roslindale. And he would drive me home from Boston to Revere just to be a nice guy.

He had this Hyundai, this white Hyundai. And he'd be dropping me off at like two o'clock in the morning. I lived on this busy street and I would get out of the car and I would kick his back fender as a way of saying, hey, go fuck yourself. Just like a funny, thanks for the ride. And he would yell at the window,

don't fucking hit my car like that. And then the next time I talked to him, he'd go, dude, why do you always kick my car? And I go, I'm just saying thanks. He goes, don't do that. So this went on for 10 rides. And then- What I love about Jim is he keeps giving you a ride.

Yes. Stop giving Todd a ride. Nope, gonna keep giving a ride. And I keep doing it harder and harder. And then like after so many times, we're pulling up to my house and he goes, wait, before you get out of the car. I go, what?

He goes, listen to me. I'm asking you as a friend and I'm telling you, I will not give you another ride if you kick my car. And I said, okay, I didn't bother you that much. I'm just fucking with you. And he goes, I know you're just trying. You think you're fucking with me? But it really pisses me off.

So please, I'm begging you. You're gonna destroy our friendship if you kick my car. Now, okay, fine. I get out of the car. I walk around like Joe Rogan. I hit that, I kick that thing as hard as I possibly could. Like you could hear it, bang. He gets so mad.

He jumps out of the car and he starts chasing me down the street. He's running after me. And it was during the time where everybody was wearing those Sam Kinnison long jackets and his coat's like flopping in the wind like Batman is chasing me. I jump back into his car

cause I got so ahead of him and I drove away. He's standing in front of my house in a river at two o'clock in the morning like mother fucker. Oh my God. He was like the Charlie Brown. Just couldn't fucking win. I miss those days, dude. Me too.

How much time we done? I don't even know cause I've just been laughing here. 54, look at that. I can feel an hour. Wow. Just like that. You're like, yeah. Oh, sorry, I was talking to you.

That's all right. Yeah, shut the fuck up when I'm... Dude, it's amazing. Thanks, I'm glad you're here. I'm proud of you. Thanks, thanks man. Most people sit around and they complain but our God didn't give you the facial hair

to grow a full beard, you know? This is the choice. Or like the fashion sense to not buy that hoodie, right? A lot of people would sit around and complain about that but not you. A lot of thought went into this one. Yeah, this is coming from a place of love if you could just shut up.

I'm really proud of you. Thanks man. Cause I gotta be honest with you, for the longest time, I thought you were one of the dumbest people I ever met. And there was no fucking way that you could even write a sentence. Forget about a full book that kept my attention.

You're doing a signing. I am doing a signing. That was me saying I love you. Yes, and I love you back. And I love you back so much. I'm not even gonna fight it. I'm not even gonna try to fight it. I'm just gonna let you have your moment.

All right. Ah, that was some fucking my moment. Fuck you. I'll let you have your moment. Like you let me win. No, I just, I know better than to go back and forth with you in certain areas. Don't act like you respect me.

Tell me about your live book signing, you cunt. Before we get to me, let's talk about you a little bit. You know, there's people already peaking in. There's another podcast coming in. Oh shit, I'm sorry. Okay. Yes, I'm doing a pod, I'm sorry.

You're doing a live signing. Stop resetting like we're gonna edit this, we're not. You go. Okay, back to one and action. Line? Sorry. Speed. I can't talk.

I'm doing a signing February 18th at a place called Postman Books in Pond City Market in Atlanta, from one to three, hoping to get a lot of people, hoping a lot of everybody who's watching this will show up. That's amazing. You've got a book, you're doing a book signing.

Look at you. Yeah, it's fine. You gotta get some horn rimmed glasses, your little smarty pants. You think you're better than me, you fucking cock. Todd Parker, everybody. The book is called Billionaire Boogie Men.

This is a fucking- Boogie Men. Boogie, sorry. Jesus, dude. Sorry. I'm stupid. Billionaire. Fair point.

It's literally written, the answer's literally here. It's called Billionaire Boogie Guys. Billionaire Boogie Men, a novel by Todd Parker. Look for them in store. That's what's the name of the store? Well, it's on Amazon everywhere. Amazon. It's on Amazon.

Amazon is where you wanna get it fast. If you wanna get me to sign it in person, go to Postman Books and Pond City Market in Atlanta. February 18th. That's fucking amazing. Thanks, man. I love you, brother. Thanks for having me on of you, too.

Thanks for coming on. Thanks to you guys for watching. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Barr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, February 16th. And I'm back in the USA, baby. Finally.

I should say I'm back home. I'm back home and home is where the heart is, don't you think? Actually, I have a new recorder. I don't know if the levels are too high here. I have no fucking idea. I can't really hear myself. The old girl finally died.

I mentioned last week, the Olympus LS10 is what I had and they're all the way up to the 14th. So now I got the 14, which I seem to be enjoying so far, although I can't stand the fucking ladies voice. Every button that you hit, it goes like, recording back to main menu. And it's this fucking English lady. It's like, what the fuck are you doing?

Why, when the fuck did an American accent just become like, you can't have that. You can't have it on like all these fucking, one of those things that I advertise on this podcast. It's like, they try to give you like, for your voicemail, you have some sort of international, just not from America voice. And all of a sudden it makes it sound like you're like,

hey, wow, I like this company. They must be fucking people over globally. All over the world. They're fucking, did you hear the fucking? Did you hear the outgoing message? Oh, hello, welcome to Pinkberry. All of a sudden I think I'm getting a higher class fucking yogurt because what?

Because it's got an English accent. What the fuck is it with the goddamn English that everybody thinks it's so fucking? You know what it is? It has to do with the fact that we're over here on our own goddamn island, all right? And if it actually had some sort of French accent, all it does is remind you

that you can't fucking speak the language. But what's like English all of a sudden, it starts to sound a little hoity-toity. You know who I blame for all of this? I blame Madonna, all right? Let me tell you something about that fucking lady there, all right? She's from fucking Detroit.

She grew up outside of that fucking hellhole. Hey, by the way, you know something? Come on, let's complete the thought bill. For the love of God, see it through. Okay, she grew up outside of that fucking hellhole. She does a couple of fucking whoop-de-doos around the world singing a dumbass song in her mustard-colored pumps.

And all of a sudden, she's got a fucking English accent. It's annoying, all right? I've lived out here for fucking coming up on eight years. All right? I still sound like I'm going down the third pipe. You know, I was just over in Asia that it come back sounding like I was from fucking India. You know?

I mean, Madonna, how much are you searching? How bad was your fucking childhood? How bad was this country that you moved to another one and then you took on their goddamn accent like they wouldn't notice? Why am I jumping all over her? All right, favorite Madonna song. What would you like?

Would you like the guilty pleasure or would you like the one that I actually like, the musicianship? What's the guilty pleasure one? Oh, God, it was one of her earlier ones, you know? Before she got into all of that, I don't know what the fuck she was doing, you know? Before the sex book, you know, or it's just like,

you know, I'll fuck anything, hurt those years. It's like, we get it, we get it, all right. You like dick, you like women too. You like dick and women, you know? You like that fucking fat guy in Monty Python. Get a better, get a bucket, I'm gonna throw up, except it's with dicks, you know? It's like this new thing I've noticed

with comedy with women, like that's like this fucking, it's considered edgy if they talk about their clams and it's just like, you know, with all due respect, you just sort of a bar hack at that point. Aren't you, aren't you just doing dick jokes because it's a vagina all of a sudden, you know? They're taking control of their bodies. It's like, I don't give a fuck what you're doing.

You're doing a dick joke, minus the dick with the pussy. It's the same fucking, it's like Sam Smith with the Tom Petty song, right? It's the same fucking thing. No, I stay with me. It's just a fucking dick joke. Can everybody stop losing their fucking minds over a dick joke because now it's a pussy joke?

It's the same fucking joke. Blah, blah, blah, blah. So let me get this straight. If you're shooting a load in somebody's face, you're just a fucking, you know, a blue comic. But if you're taking the load to the face, you're groundbreaking. Is that how it worked with you goddamn kids today?

Well, hey, more power to you. And by the way, I'm just fucking with Sam Smith because that song doesn't sound anything like the other song. And I guess when you speed up one and slow down the other, then yeah, yeah, then I guess it is the same sound. It is the same song, but like at no point

that I ever listened to it and think of that Tom Petty song. And not to mention Sam Smith's song was way fucking better. And you know, there's people out there that actually say, we're kind of going like, what the fuck when, when he said he had never heard that Tom Petty song and like everybody was like flipping out. Mostly older people. So what do you mean you didn't hear that big hit

that was a hit when I was a kid? It's just the thing that you gotta, you gotta know about, about these kids, all right? They don't even know who the fuck Paul McCartney was. Paul McCartney came out and sang with Kanye West and like kids in their twenties, they don't know who Paul McCartney is. Some of them don't even know who the fucking Beatles are.

And then those kids who know who the Beatles are, they listen to the Beatles and they go, what's the big deal? These guys are overrated because they're fucking songs are 50 years old, at least the early ones. She loves you, okay, okay, yeah. All that shit.

All that shit, right? And they're, they're, they're end shit. They're end shit. The shit that they did right before they broke up is as old as me, 46, 44, 45, 46 years old. They don't know who the fuck they are. So if you don't know who the goddamn Beatles are, if they come out, you know, with Kanye West, okay,

and he sings a fucking song with them, they're not gonna know who the fuck he is. He looks like, he looks like he, he should be like a civil war reenactor. Now he's actually more revolutionary war. When I think of Sir Paul McCartney. I fucking hate that shit. I hate how over in England they, they, they night people.

How dumb is that? Then what do you have a little fucking pretend sword fight? Really is Paul McCartney a fucking, he's knighted now. What's he gonna do? Go storm a castle in a faraway land? Or is he just gonna put on a big, silly necklace and get down on one fucking knee? Oh, the whole fucking thing's stupid.

But anyways, yeah, I, for the life of me, I didn't notice that that was the same song. And I don't get how that guy gets sued, but Lady, Lady Gaga doesn't with that Madonna song, which was the exact same fucking temple. And I guess the same corporate aggression and all of that shit where I would go into like clubs or whatever and just regular people were singing

the Madonna song along to the Lady Gaga song. I didn't fucking ever think of the Tom Petty song with the Sam Smith song. And what I love is the second the lawsuit comes around, then everybody all of a sudden, everybody's Phil Spector now, everybody fucking heard it, right? Everybody's got a gun and some fucking horse mouth going,

admit it, admit it. It's a Tom Petty song, admit it you bitch! Right? Isn't that what he did? Can you imagine being in a studio with that fucking weasel who's walking around with a goddamn gun, coked all up or whatever the hell he is? I just don't understand how people get into a situation

like that, like how bad do you wanna make it that you stay in a studio? The first time the guy waves the gun around, it's like, hey, Phil, I'm going to Burger King, do you want anything? Yeah, you pull an absentee father thing, you just abandon the whole thing. What's he gonna do?

Do you think a guy that fucking crazy still drives? Probably had some old fucking limo, you know? Really high roof so he can hold his fucking wig. Anyways, you'll listen to the Money Morning podcast, I hope this thing is recording. I really hope it is, because I can't hear myself right now. I have a bit of a cold, all right?

I just flew around the world and the last fucking, I still can't believe I just did that shit, man. Hey, you know what seems like a really hacky fucking city to go to is Dubai. And that's just from landing there and then seeing all their advertising, you know? Do you remember that, what was that fucking commercial they had

where they fed those dumb whores? Oh, you know what? I'm trying to get better with the ADD here. Borderline is my guilty Madonna pleasure. And then my favorite fucking actual song is Bad Girl, because of Omar Hakim, is that he said his fucking drumming on that's the shit. And actually when they played it live,

on Saturday Night Live a long time ago, I remember just watching him playing the drums on that, thought he was fucking awesome. But it's a classic radio hit, you know? You listen to it three times in a row and you're like, you know what, I don't think I ever wanna hear that song again. And then you gotta wait like three, four years. And then you listen to it again like, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.

Shut it off, shut it off. And that's what you know you have a hit. So Sam Smith gets fucking sued. What about that new song that Bruno Mars is singing on? Cause uptown fuck gonna give it to you. I mean, how many fucking times has that song been written? Don't believe me, just watch. How many times has that line been written?

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. This is that same song. That same song comes out of your summer. Oh, Jesus. Hey, don't believe me, just watch. Whatever the fuck he's saying. I have no idea. What was I talking about?

Now I just, oh, Dubai. That light just seems like if Jersey Shore was given just an open fucking checkbook to make a goddamn city. That just, that's what it seems like. That with a little bit of fucking Kardashian, Calabasas vibe to it. Like it seems like when people go to Dubai,

they come back and I imagine they would say shit like, like, dude, they had a Lamborghini store next to a Ferrari store next to a water slide. Well, you slid into champagne, you know, all this fucking horse shit. And then outside of the city, they got like a fucking tent city of all these fucking basically modern day slaves

that had to build the whole fucking thing just by sitting on the airplane. Cause we connected in Dubai after we left Mumbai that used to be Bombay, right? Bombay is now suing Mumbai, just like Tom Petty sued Sam Smith. It's the same fucking city. There's too many of the same letters in Mumbai

that was in Bombay, right? What would that be? Just the A. There's no fucking way I'm trying to do this in my head. Anyways, back to Dubai. So we connected in Dubai. By the way, to then depart, fly over Iran and then over Russian.

Now I'm fucking as an American, I am nervous flying over Iran. But then when I looked at the stewardesses, they kind of had those little fancy little headdress things on, I'm like, oh, okay, wait, I think we're all right. I think I'm on the right team here. I think I should be all right. So, but they had all these advertisements,

advertisements for Dubai, for all their stupid hotels over there. And that's, it just, it reminded me of that commercial a long time ago where they had like, do you remember it was just some shitty restaurant? Like Olive Garden or it was like a Domino's, you know? Domino's is fucking hilarious too

with their whole ad campaign where they just admit that their product sucks, you know? Like, you know what you guys, you know, you're right. I mean, we ate it, it tastes, yeah, your ad tastes like shit. We couldn't believe how bad it was either. We agree, we're joining it, we're joining it. Like during civil rights, you can't stop it so you join it and then you take control of it.

I had some of that pizza and I thought it tastes like shit. Ask not what your pizza can do for you, you, you, you. Right? They just joined the fucking thing. They come to our side of the fence. We're yelling at them, going, your pizza sucks. And then they just joined our crowd. Yeah, yeah, it fucking sucks.

And then we're yelling at nobody. And the whole thing goes away. And then they come back with their fucking pizza. It's the exact same goddamn price. The lovely Nia said it the best. She goes, why don't you charge more than 5.99 for a fucking large? Maybe you could put a little more into the product.

I mean, when you really think about it, that should have been their line. When people said that pizza sucks, be like, hey, it's 5.99 for a large. All right, you broke son of a bitch. I'm just trying to fill that hole in your belly. Okay, yeah, it sucks. But I have a couple of beers.

It starts to taste better, doesn't it? All right then, who else is gonna bring you this much fucking food for that little of a price at two o'clock in the fucking morning? Huh? Nobody. Nobody, we all know what you do. This is what you do.

You put in an order, right, for one large pizza, okay? Provided, and then you pick another address out of the fucking phone book and you order fucking three of them. But it's close enough to the other house, so they know that you're coming to your house first. You order four largest for that fucking place. Then you have one of your friends hiding

the fucking bushes across the street. The Domino's guy pulls up, all right? He jumps out of the car, he's gonna leave it unlocked. He brings your pizza up to the car. While you're paying for that pizza, your friends go and they steal the other fucking pies. Then you run around the fucking house and you got four pies for $5.99, okay?

That's how it was done. Anyways, we should just grab them and just eat whatever the other people fucking ordered. And then a lot of times it was something you didn't want, like a vegetable pizza, which is so fucking stupid. It's like you either have vegetables or eat something bad, okay? You already have the guilt as you're eating this, all right?

It's cheese topping or salami, that's salami, pepperoni, mushrooms, something like that, okay? Enough with the fucking peppers and all of that shit. You know how much heartburn are you trying to get here? So then what we would do is we then eventually would start to order pizzas that we wanted a little further down the street, knowing that they'd come to our place first.

Occasionally it didn't work out and then they just went to somebody's fucking house and they're like, we didn't order that shit. Oh, you're serious? Yeah, serious. And then they come to our house and then we'd still steal it. And that's how you did it. That was how it was done.

But it wasn't dominoes. What was that? I'm trying to talk about Dubai here. That fucking commercial, I think it was Olive Garden where they had these people sit down and they had cloth napkins and they had all this fucking pomp and circumstance, right? If that's how you say it.

It was pomp and circumstantial evidence, right? And then they're eating this pasta and they go, oh my God, it's so decadent, right? And what I loved was they had a bunch of animals eating the shit. So of course they think it's great. The second you throw a cloth napkin, okay, it's somebody that goes to a tanning bed.

I mean, they automatically think that they're eating a five-star fucking meal. You've already mind fucked them. It's like those psychological tests where they give them a pill that doesn't do anything but you tell them it's gonna make them feel better and then they convince themselves that they feel better. Right?

That to me is like what Dubai is. Dubai is like, if you took Olive Garden's pasta or however they're trying to make it, you know, all the bread you want, like that's Dubai. That's what it seems like to me. Having said that, I'll still fucking go there if I get a gig.

So I'm just trying to sell the shit that I would say if it was more of a free fucking area because God knows how go there, you know? Jesus Christ, I'm gonna go over there just to see what I have to wrap Nia in. Oh, I'm gonna have a good time in one of those countries. I'm gonna talk all kinds of shit. I'm gonna make Nia walk like five feet behind me.

Nia look down at the floor when you walk behind me. Oh, that's great. They got it down over there, huh? You just wrap them all up. Yeah, that's, you know what they're actually doing? They're actually admitting how much smarter women are than men. The fact that they have to have them

on that level of control. You know, what were they doing before then? They must have just been running shit. And they're just like, we can't fucking, you know? Why don't you put your foot down? I can't help it, I wanted to fuck her. Right? We'll wrap them up.

If we can't see what they look like, then they can't use their vaginas to mess with my minds. I just don't understand why you would do that. It's gotta be crazy, like when you fucking, I guess you're definitely gonna marry somebody that you love, cause you can't see what they look like. You know, cause guys will put up with a lot.

If the woman's beautiful. The same way a lady will put up, if you got money and you're making money and you can provide, they're gonna put up with way more shit than they should, you know? And it's true. As much as nobody wants to admit it,

we all wanna sit there and act like we're that fucking badass that has a line in the sand that you won't cross. But give me a fucking break. If she's a 10, there's no line. Sure, you got it down there and she's stepping over all over it. What are you gonna do?

You're gonna walk. You wanna walk. You know you should walk. When you get in your car and you drive away, fucking bitch, fucking out of here. You know what? You should be like that. Who do you think I am?

Huh? You're fucking with the wrong dude, dude. Right? All that shit you say in your car. And then what happens? That fear voice in the back of your head. What if this is the best looking person I'm ever with and I never find anybody else?

Ah, growing dick. You know, you're flipping back and forth but you're not gonna do it. Right? The same thing with the brats. They do the same thing. Okay, you walk around, you got yourself an ATM card,

you buy them a couple of trinkets down in a mall and all of a sudden they start feeling comfortable. Right? Next thing you know, you take a little bit of your frozen yogurt, you flip it right in their face and what do they do? You know, do they leave you? No.

Do they pout? Sure they do. You know, but they're not going anywhere. You just bought them a couple of fucking t-shirts over at the Hot Topical. Where the fuck are they going? Huh? Sorry, that was really negative.

All right, let's do a little bit of advertising here. So many one of those ad companies figured out that if you say it three times, they're gonna remember it. You know? What should I say here? What should I say three times that'll make you fucking do it?

I don't know what I'm thinking. I feel like I got a hyper Joe DeRosa date here. Poor bastard's taking a bunch of heat out there. Let's see here. Where's Joe DeRosa gonna be yet? Joe DeRosa? DeRosa? Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Ah, Christ. He'll come up here in a second. My fucking computer. You just love how your computer's just the shit for like three weeks after you buy it.

Yeah, it's the fastest thing out there and then it just sucks after that. Such a fucking rip off. Anyways, what did I want to talk about this week? American sports, let's talk about that. I have no fucking idea who's doing what. I know the Bruins were playing really well right up to the all-star break

and then we, I don't know, we've been having a rough one, you know? I think we lost a van. Cool, but... It's the beginning of a big West Coast trip here and I gotta get back into watching that type of stuff. I do have to tell you, our fucking sports are awesome over here.

We have at least three really exciting sports. Football, hockey, basketball, our fucking exciting goddamn sports. All right, they have basketball over in Australia but it's called netball and women play it and there's no backboard. I can watch that a little bit. But the rules are, I can't remember,

if they can't dribble or some shit, it's like they get it and then they just have to stop. I don't see any dunking or any of that type of stuff but I'm looking forward to getting back into it but I have no idea what's going on. One of my buddies up in Canada gave me shit cause I guess we got swept by the Canadians for this season.

It's so sad to listen to the Canadian fans gloat about that. Season sweep is complete, you know? Yeah, there's your Stanley Cup. What have you guys done in the last 20 years? Lose the Expos? You think I give a fuck that we lost to Montreal again? We just won another championship.

We won a Super Bowl, all right? In a real league, Montreal. Not that poor shit CFL thing you have up there. All right, where Bobby Brister can go up there and fucking throw for 500 yards or meters, whatever the fuck you call them up there. Every goddamn game. May a fucking break.

Did I already break New York City's balls? Do you realize that the fucking city of Boston with four teams has won one more championship than the fucking city of New York has professional teams? We have enough rings to give each fucking sad ass New York fucking team a fucking ring and still have one left over for ourselves with just four teams.

That's why I don't respect New York sports and their championships. It's like you doubled down in every fucking sport. Gee, did you win one? How many at bats do you need? Two baseball, two football, two basketball. And if you include the Islanders, they got two fucking hockey.

It's fucking pathetic. Oh, no, I love rubbing it into those cunts. You're probably going like, Bill, why are you rubbing it in on them? That's because they've been dicks to me my entire fucking sports life because we never won anything. And all of them fucking just run and hide

anytime Boston wins something. Or they try to be like, oh, no, I'm happy for you guys. You know, I'm really happy for you guys. Go fuck yourselves. All right, I swear to God, what that city is, is it's the Yankees. The Yankees prop that entire fucking city up. If it wasn't for the fucking Yankees,

New York City would be exposed as being basically one of the saddest places to ever be as a sports fan. You know? Wait, the Giants are good. What am I talking about? The Giants are good. All right, the Jets, horrific, 1969.

The Knicks, you know, you have to get it, it's 1973. The Rangers have won one cup in like fucking 90 years, 80 years, right? What are they else? Nets have never won anything. The Islanders, they had their run, but at that point, it's like 30 fucking years ago. They're playing better though, right?

I don't know, just a sad, sad fucking, you got the Yankees. Thank God for the fucking Yankees have won like 99%, I guess they probably won 99% for everybody, but I don't know. I don't know, I'm gloating here a little bit. It's been a hell of a fucking decade, everybody. And if you think, I think that this is gonna last,

I know it isn't. I know that right now, I am at the tail end of the greatest run Boston sports is gonna have in my lifetime. I know, I don't know when it's gonna end, but I'll take it. If it just becomes like, you know, like the Bruins don't seem like they have it this year.

It seems like they're gonna have to fucking shake it up. Celtics, it goes without saying. Red Sox, you never know, but today's game, we kind of seem like we win it, then we shit the bed, then we win it. So we'll see what happens. Maybe we'll come back around and try to stay, we'll try to keep up with the Giants.

We've won three, they've won three in this century. We'll be like one ahead if we end up winning it this year. Who the fuck knows? And the Patriots, I don't know what happens with them. But at some point, Belichick's gonna have to retire and Brady's gonna have to retire. And then we're gonna go back to being the team that I watched when I was growing up.

And you watch how that stadium empties out. It's gonna go right. It's gonna go right, but you know what'd be funny is if you actually had a camera, right? Like doing like this, still photography. And you had people who were there basically before Bob Kraft and you got them in their seats and then you just sort of fast forward

through all the years. Robert Kraft, Bill Parcells, Pete Carroll, Bill Belichick, and you just see the stadium filling up, filling up, filling up, and then they gradually retire and then all the seats around start getting empty again. And then you just see that same person you saw before Robert Kraft bought the team and he's just fucking much older.

Fuck, am I gonna sneeze here? God damn it, I hope I didn't catch a fucking cold. So anyways, somebody was telling me that they read a story that Pete Carroll said that, I don't know if it was like three nights in a row or whatever, but he was laying in bed crying that he lost the Super Bowl. And that's why I love Pete Carroll.

I can't, I mean, I hate that, woo, and I hate the doctors, but that fucking guy is so fucking driven. He wants to win it. Do you realize like the pain that guy, that guy was gonna do something that I'm trying to think how many people did it. If he went back to back Super Bowls,

that guy joins Vince Lombardi, Don Shula, Chuck Knoll, Jimmy Johnson, and Bill Belichick. That's it, right? He would become one of six people to ever do it. And he'd be in the same fucking category as Lombardi, Shula, Chuck Knoll, Jimmy Johnson, and Bill Belichick. Bill Belichick, by the way,

I would actually say is the greatest coach of all fucking time, of all fucking time. How long he's won, doing it now in the salary cap era, the amount of fucking players switching in, switching out, even when he doesn't win it, we still win like 12, 13 fucking games a year. I think he's the greatest of all time. And I really hope that we keep pushing

to get the fucking colts to make some sort of public apology for their absolute fucking, they're such fucking babies, man. I love Andrew Luck. This is nothing against the Colts, the team. It's their fucking owner, man. That guy is such a goddamn baby. The amount of times that they've lost,

and then, of course, they can't just lose. It has to be like a fucking rule change. He's gotta send a video to the league office. It's like, dude, you're lost. No, come on, lose it, you must do the ball, so let me put your air in it. Oh, fuck yourself. What a fucking baby, man.

Anyways, but they threw it out there, it was great. They threw it out there. So forever, Bill Belichick, by all the fucking people out there who just hate the guy, are forever gonna quit. I love how Jerry Rice sits there and goes, yeah, they should have an asterisk next to their championship,

and then admits to use and stick them. Give me a fucking break. So now what, Jerry? Now you're no longer the greatest receiver of all time. Give me a fucking break, you still are. Grow up. So anyways, I was on the plane coming back from Dubai, and I blew basically any gig money

that I made going through Asia, I blew on plane tickets, because I'm too fucking old to fly in the back of the plane. I just can't do it, okay? I can't, I'm too fucking old. So I actually lost money going through Asia, and probably lost a good month of my life breathing in some of that air over there. But I'm still going back,

because I absolutely loved it, and I fucking loved the people over there. So Nia was giving me shit, because she saw the money that I spent. She saw what I was gonna gross, and then what I spent on plane tickets, she's like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was just like, listen,

I can't put a price on it, okay? This is like a fucking vacation. Just look at it that way, and we're actually gonna maybe make a little money on this thing, all right? But I am not gonna fucking fly to Australia with my fucking pasty knees up to my chest. I'm not doing it, all right?

So enjoy it. So like the entire time we flew business class, all right? And every time we go on and get a nice seat, and I always just kept looking over at Nia, and just going, you can't put a price on it. You know, you can't put, I just kept saying that. And she just kept shaking her head, and you'd get off the plane,

and then they'd give you a little pass. So when you went through customs, just letting you guys know this. So if you wanna use your fucking miles, I'm telling you. Look, if you're flying within the United States, I mean, you don't need to do that. I guess New York to LA is a motherfucker, but you can handle that.

But when you start talking about a 14, 10, 14 hour fucking flight, take out your miles, take out your credit card, just, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, you won't regret it. So we were flying back Air Emirates, and it was one of those double-decker planes. And we were upstairs in the business class, so we're like fucking ridiculously excited,

totally exposing ourselves. And so I went up to get to the, you know, we sit down and, you know, nice big ass fucking chairs. And I look over at Nia and she laughs and goes, you can't put a price on it. I'm like, that's right. So I get up like about an hour into the flight and I go in the bath to go to the bathroom.

I go in the bath and they have a bar in the back of the plane. Like not a giant bar, but just like a little fucking, but a bartender sitting there with a bunch of fucking booze behind, you know, bottles and all that shit. And then on either side of the plane, like they got these S-shaped benches with like four seats, with four seatbelts, and you can just sit down,

put on a seatbelt, like you're at a bar. So I like my fucking heart, I can't believe I didn't faint. My heart went through the fucking ceiling, so I go back and I go, Nia, Nia, come on to the back of the plane. She's like, what, what? You know, she's watching some fucking TV thing and I go, like, come on, I wanna get you a drink.

She goes, what do you mean get me a drink? She thinks I'm just gonna go back there. It's gonna be like three stewardesses, like huddled in the back. We go in the back and she saw it. She just starts laughing. We sat down, put the seatbelts on, ordered the fucking drinks. They had like olives and shit back there.

It was ridiculous. And then I looked at her and she finally said it. She goes, you can't put a price on it. It was one of the great fucking moments. And I sat with her drinking a goddamn drink, flying over Iraq, going, if I'm gonna get hit by a fucking RPG, I'm gonna be doing it like this.

This is the way to do it, right? So that is the one thing that I've learned through all of my fucking travel, is that you have to have a line and once you go and be on, I mean, granted, I haven't gotten the bill yet. When I get that bill, oh, Jesus, when I get that bill. I don't give a fuck, fuck that.

I don't give a shit, all right? I need to be comfortable. If I'm going into a goddamn country where I could get caned or hung, you know? You wanna ride there in a comfy chair. So, all right, well, I'm already 40 minutes in here. I gotta fucking move along here. But I can't even remember what I talked about last week

as far as India. I'm such a good time. Maybe I'll tell the story again if I've already told it, but after the gig in India, I hung out with a bunch of comics, all went out and got dinner and just sat down on top comedy for like a good hour. And it was probably one of the highlights of my career

just as far as just one of the coolest things ever. You're on the other side of the globe, hanging out and you met people that do what you do that have the same passion and love for. And what was killing me was the questions with the exact same questions that I would hear from American comics or comics I met in the UK or Ireland or Scandinavia.

It's just, it's cause it's the same art form. And my favorite thing was in the end when it started getting petty, where they were going like, all right, Bill, who's a comic that you think just fucking stinks? But for some unexplained reason is selling a bunch of tickets. I just started laughing.

I was just like, Jesus, even over here, it's like that. But I don't know, that's one of the really cool things about traveling or whatever. So I'm definitely gonna go back, definitely gonna go back. And what's funny is Jerry Seinfeld actually has, is doing four shows over there. And I was just back in New York, next month he's gonna be over there.

And I was just in New York, was doing the Patrice O'Neill benefit. And I just happened to run into Seinfeld. He comes down the cellar, which is always fucking unreal when he shows up. And I mentioned to him that he was, him going over there. So I was just kind of trading notes with them or whatever.

So I can't wait to hear how those shows go. Cause he was, he's asking all the questions. Like, can they understand? Like, yes, I was like, dude, they get everything. They get everything, all the slang and all that shit. But anyways, I don't know. I wish I could actually go to those shows. That'd be pretty cool, huh?

Seinfeld and fucking Mumbai. Anyways, so the Patrice O'Neill benefit, ladies and gentlemen, thank you to everybody that came out to the benefit. This year, I actually think was one of the best shows because we only had eight comics this year in the past. The thing is, is so many people love Patrice and so many people wanna be a part of it,

that we've been having like 12 to 13 comics and it really gets like jammed up towards the end and it's a union house. And if we go over like, you know, union, they find it through the roof and we're defeating the purpose of why we're doing this thing. So it becomes really stressful. This year there was only eight, moved along quick

and you know, everybody crushed it. And this year was great cause I felt like by having Hannibal Burris and Michael Che on it, we actually had guys that were influenced by Patrice's comedy. This is the first time we didn't just have like his peers, the guys he came up with that started at the same time he did or maybe a little bit before.

This is when we actually had the generation of comics that as they were deciding to become comedians, could actually have watched Patrice on TV and been influenced by him. And those two guys killed it. Jim Florentine, Ben Bailey, David Tell, Jim Norton, Colin Quinn, Rich Foss hosting it as always. It was just an awesome, awesome time.

I know I always forget somebody and they're gonna get fucking pissed at me. But I don't know. Thanks again to everybody who came out to that thing. We're gonna of course do it again next year. Thank you to the Opie and Jimmy show for helping me promote it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that type of stuff.

And I don't know. It's definitely, it's my favorite thing to do of the year. Because it is such a great cause. We obviously love Patrice and getting to see his mom, his stepdaughter and his girlfriend. And becomes like a, like this standup, like high school reunion, man. It's really fucking cool.

So, all right, here we go. I gotta wrap this up. Cause guess what I'm doing the second this podcast is over, other than uploading it is I get to go see my dog. I'm gonna see my dog in like three weeks. I know what you're thinking. Like Bill, where did you put your dog? Where did you board your dog?

And it's like, no, where I just kept her in the garage, you know, shit and pissed all over the place, but I had plenty of food for her. And, you know, I had a tie to a pole. We actually board her at our veterinarian. And my dog is one of the few dogs that absolutely loves the vet. Because she, you know, she's a pit bull.

She's got herself hurt a couple of times. She's a maniac. And, you know, my dog's got this thing that he looks at you. She looks at you sideways like, who the fuck are you? The second you take care of her, that's it. You're a made man. So, they took care of her a couple of times, you know.

She broke one of her teeth one time and a couple of other things she's done to herself, banged herself up. And, you know, they took care of her down there. And once she sees that someone's gonna take care of her, she's like, she's like a little fucking goddamn baby when she's down there. So, whenever I take her to the vet,

all these other dogs are like whining and going in there. And I'm like water skiing behind my dog. She's like dragging me in there. And what kills me is whenever I drop her off to board her, she's so excited to be there. She doesn't even turn around and look at me. She tails wagging and she just fucking runs away with somebody else.

Kind of hurts my feelings a little bit. But, anyways, let's get to the, let's get to the fucking, what am I saying here? The letters for this week. All right, Sam Smith and Tom Petty. I actually kind of already answered this one. What is this one? All right, I've been a big fan of the podcast for years.

I got to say hello and congrats to you and lovely Nia when you played Dublin, Ireland a while back. Oh, I got to say congrats to you. Okay, this is a trivial point, but I'd like to throw in my two cents on Tom Petty's suing Sam Smith. Tom Petty is almost famous for looking the other way when people happen to sound like him.

He's been quoted as laughing it off when last night by the strokes appeared to rip off American girl saying his early stuff, and then he just said that his early stuff sounded like Chuck Berry. He even gave the strokes credit for owning up to it. There's a similar story about the red hot chili peppers, Danny California sounding like Last Dance with Mary Jane.

However, in this case with Sam Smith, Smith's response to the story was that he never heard I Won't Back Down. If we believe that, are we supposed to believe that every musician, producer, another asshole who heard that song before it was released had never heard Tom Petty's I Won't Back Down? Maybe.

So for what my dumb ass opinion is worth, Petty either sued because he didn't believe the denial or he was offended because Sam Smith didn't know him and not because the song sounded alike, but what the hell do I know? That's actually interesting. Go back to Ireland sometime soon. Thanks and go fuck yourself.

That's a really interesting take. I never even thought about that. If you just owned up to it, like you ever get pulled over by a cop and you just, you know, you know why I pulled you over? Yep, yep, I made that illegal U-turn. Why'd you make it? Because I was impatient and I didn't want to do it

the right way. Do you know I could give you a ticket? Yeah, yeah I do, but I'm not gonna lie to you. That's an actual conversation I have with a cop. And he goes, all right, I'm gonna let you go. And then I laughed and said, you're awesome. And then he laughed like, not laughing like, yeah, this is great.

He was laughing just like, it was just a weird conversation for him, I think. I always tell the truth whenever they pull you over. You know I pulled you over? Yeah, absolutely. Just doing like fucking, you know how fast you're going? Yeah, like 85. I was hoping I wasn't gonna run into you.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Most of the times they still give you the ticket, but sometimes if you're just fucking honest, you know, it's towards the end of their shift, they'll actually fucking let you go. Yeah, of course being a fucking freckled face, cowdy duty looking white guy probably doesn't hurt me either. I'm already hearing anybody not white listening to this

going, oh yeah, yeah, if I do what they beat the shit out of me. I know, I know. What do you want me to do? You know? One of my, I mean, I don't make the rules. I'm happy it works out that way for me. I'm sorry it doesn't for you. Moving across the country.

Dear Bill Burr. Bill, I thank you podcast. Thank you. Okay, okay, I just turned 23 years old a few months ago and I realized I have lived in the West Michigan town. I've officially lived in the Western Michigan town. I live in for more than half my life. Can you guys please, please try to proof read your shit?

This is his sentence. Okay, so I turned 23 a few months ago and I realized I have lived in the West Michigan town. I've officially lived in the Western Michigan town. I live in for more than half my life. All right, so he's definitely editing as he wrote this and just kind of fucked that up. This crushed me.

Why, cause you live in Western Michigan. I like it out there. Well, you gotta move to the big city. This crushed me. So I began saving up as I wanted to live in Portland, Oregon. Good choice. I've always been musical and I wanna go do the band thing, but I have never, but I have an associates of science degree.

So if that doesn't work out, I can go back to school but in Portland after establishing res, but I'll go back to school in Portland after establishing residency. All right, so you got a plan here. My question to you is this, how much do you think I should save up with the plan to live minimally

and just work a job slash play music? I've never felt I could express myself here as I am isolated and since the town is small, high school follows you everywhere in which I was a total weirdo slash loser. Thanks and go love yourself. All right, I totally relate. I totally relate.

I was a loser too in high school. So there was that element of like going to Boston to try standup comedy. And I remember whenever I would get a gig anywhere near where I was from, I'd be so nervous that my entire high school class would show up and they wouldn't laugh and be like, dude, you're that jackass who went to school with,

who are you to think that you could make this dream come true? Go fuck yourself, right? So I totally understand all of that. And I also worked a day job and I saved up money before I moved to New York. I paid off all of my debts. I just paid it down. I paid down everything and I saved up,

I saved up some money and then I moved to New York and I went there thinking I got to get a day job. But I had enough money where that wasn't, it wasn't dire. Like I got to get a job right now. I could actually go a few months. So I started getting some standup gigs. So even though it was negative cash flow,

it wasn't 100% negative. Like say my nut, I think my rent, I swear to God, I had a walkthrough bedroom. My rent was, it was 425 a month. This is 20 years ago. But I mean, I had no spots, I had no gigs. So I think I did a couple of road gigs, went probably back to Boston,

maybe did a Dick Doherty gig or something and I probably made, Jesus, I don't even know, I probably made like 300 bucks, 375 for the weekend. But I also had to travel up there and I took the bus and I had to eat. So I was probably in pay taxes on it eventually. So I mean, I was probably walking away with 125 bucks.

So I probably had, you know, and plus all the other eating, living, every time you walked outside in New York, it's like you blew 20 bucks. So I watched my nest egg start to dwindle. But after a couple of months, I stopped thinking about a day job. I just started thinking,

I got to get more gigs. And I got to get more gigs. And then what happened was, I was able to kind of slowly stop the nosedive of cash to level it off a little bit. And then I booked some acting gig or something where I was able to make enough money. And I just stashed it.

And at that point, then I got a college agent. It just all starts to happen. You know what? A guy I brought up on this podcast before, Mike Johnston, mikelessons.com. I'll try to find a video for you, but he's got this great video that he does where he talks about, you know,

or maybe I was when I went and I saw him live. I think it was when I saw him live. So I'll paraphrase what he said. But when he wanted to make money as a musician, you know, he just, he just totally, like his day, even his day job, he just stayed in the music arena. I'm really gonna butcher this story,

but he started giving drum lessons, all right? So that was money he was earning as a drummer. He started working at a music studio, tuning up the drums and that type of thing. So that was two-way. And then he got into, you know, a couple of bands and he had a couple gigs on the weekend. So that was three, four different ways

that he was making money as a drummer. And he just keep doing that. So when you're out there, I would just make it all about music. You know, if you get a job at fucking guitar center or something like that, you can get a discount on some of your equipment. And then you can also get to know guys

and you can start talking to people like, I wanna get into a band, join a couple of fucking bands. I mean, that's, I would do all of that shit. And then also you can get a discount on all the recording stuff that you need if you're gonna start writing songs. I would just keep getting jobs in the music industry.

Cause it seems to me like that's what you wanna do. And then your backup is to do this associates of the sciences degree. Like that's your backup plan. Just by reading your letter, it seems like, you know, you wanna be in the music business. That's gonna make you happy. So that's what I would do.

And you just kind of have to try to shake off that whole idea that, you know, you have to fall back on this college degree and this whole idea that you can't have a fun job. You can totally have a fun job and it's gonna be a job and it's gonna be working all that shit, but you can totally have a fun job.

You just keep applying for jobs that are fun and you will have a fun job and just stay there. And then that's it. And then, you know, you know how to do it, dude. You eat your ramen noodles. Dude, if you wake up in the morning, you just have a fucking apple that'll fill you up and you'll be in great shape.

You just pound some waters. You know, the deal, everybody fucking does this shit. I used to eat spaghetti. That was my thing. Spaghetti and a couple pieces of bread. And that was my dinner that would fill me up. And I remember I didn't have a table. I had a fucking chair that I'd turn around

and I used that as the table and I just would fucking get the prego and I'd throw fucking spaghetti in there. I could make the fucking meal in my sleep. I didn't have to measure the water or anything. I just knew where to pour it in the pot. I just had it every fucking night and I was so fucking sick of it.

I remember like every once in a while, I would either take a taxi cab. I'd just be so tired after doing gigs and just fucking every once in a while, I'd treat myself to a cab ride. Or I'd treat myself, I'd actually order out. And when I say order out, I'm talking like ordering Chinese food.

Because, you know, when you first moved to a city, come from a small town, you moved to a big city, you're on your own and it's really on you, you're terrified to spend money. This is creepy thing, you know, you gotta get your footing. Once, you know, you've survived for seven, eight months.

One day it just kind of hits you like, hey, I'm on my own here and I'm making it. It's a great feeling. You know, even though you got fucking spaghetti coming out of your goddamn ears. So good luck to you, sir. All right, so work out. Hey, William B, do you still work out?

If yes, what is your routine? Do you do any running or biking? Love the podcast, man. I actually did quite a bit of working out when I was on the road, because I was, you know, eating airplane food, airport food and that type of stuff and gig food. And I only think I put on like five pounds,

which is pretty good, you know, for the amount of time I was away for three weeks. I only put on five pounds. And really what fucked me over was when I went to New York, I was there for a few days and, oh, the booze was flowing. Anyways, do I do any running?

No, I don't do running. Running kills my fuck. You know, you can't do that to yourself at my age. You can't keep running like that. Fucking, you need your feet, your knees, your hips. You need all of that shit for the rest of your life. What you really have to do at my age is actually finally sit down and learn about nutrition.

So you're not eating your way into the gym. You're actually eating your way out of it. So you don't have to do as much. I do a lot. I take my dog. There's a lot of hiking trails out here in LA. The fucking greatest city ever. I love it, man.

I have to be in that freezing fucking New York. I love New York and that shit. But Jesus Christ, when it's that fucking cold and there's no Christmas lights out, it's pretty goddamn bleak. But anyways, yeah, I kind of do that. And then I'm into your own body weight. I have a climbing rope.

I got a pegboard. I got one of those pull-up dip stations. I'm into that type of stuff because I feel like it's a much better strength being able to move your own body. And it's much more practical when you're in situations to be able to move your body. Climb up onto something,

lower yourself down onto something. Just getting it up and out of bed is easier if you're used to being able to handle your own body weight. As opposed to that weird shit with bench pressing, which is you're pushing all this weight up off of you while adding this muscle weight to yourself, which is, I don't know. It just seems more of a complete workout

when you're moving your own body. So I'm into that stuff and I'll skip rope, I guess, every once in a while, but I make sure that I do it like I don't jump up too high. So it's more like I'm kind of, not even like running in place. It's almost just sort of lifting a foot up and setting it back down.

Once you get the muscle memory down, you can really minimally be slamming your joints as you're coming back down. Sort of like lightly running in place as you do it. And I'll just do like two, three rounds. You know, as funny as I brought it, I brought a jump rope on the trip and I never used it once.

I just never fucking used it, but I did do like a lot of that elliptical shit. And I don't know. So what's my routine? All right, it's my routine. I do a set of pull-ups and I do it to exhaustion as many as I can do. And even after I can't put my head over the chin,

get my chin over the bar, I still am doing reps. Even if you only go halfway up, a third of the way up, an eighth of the way up and just to exhaustion. That's the first set I do. Then I climb up the rope, go back down, and then I go over to the pegboard.

And it's weird because my garage ceiling isn't high enough. I had to buy the skinniest ones and have them go horizontal. So I'm actually, I only do the pegboard, but I go to the side. And at this point, I'm only at the point where, you know, I can take the pegs out like two or three times, total, you know, and actually make it happen. If you do get a pegboard,

you wanna aim a little bit higher than the whole because your body's gonna be going down. So you actually stick it in there. And then the next time I go through, is I do a set of pull-ups where I do the negatives, where you pull yourself up over the bar and then you lower yourself super slow. And that actually helps your reps over time.

And then I do the, I got this tree that I jump up and there's a branch that goes way out where I kinda do a, how the fuck do you describe it? Right hand over left hand, right hand over left hand, walking out towards the end of the branch and then I come all the way back again. And I try to keep my arms at like a 90 degree angle, not just hanging straight down like that.

And then the third set I do is a wide grip. And it's the same thing again, and I go back up the rope instead of the tree that time. Something like that. And then I'm always switching it up. Sometimes I just do three straight things, a regular pull-ups or whatever. This sounds boring as shit, so I'm gonna move on,

but that's basically what I do. And then I take my dog for a fucking hike. That's it. Try not to eat like a fucking animal. There you go. And that is my workout. Let me actually do the last bit of advertising here. Fucking Richard Simmons, what the hell am I doing here?

I'm sitting here in Candy Striped Shorts right now, people doing this podcast. All right, out of the closet, here we go. Dear Bill, I'm a 17 year old high school student who recently came out of the closet. Congratulations. That's a very courageous thing, it's 17. I have always been fairly timid

and don't have a very aggressive character. Once again, even more courageous. Three years ago, I found your comedy and I was inspired by your religion of logic and passion. Listening to your comedy an hour on the podcast gave me exposure to a strong personality that I could relate to internally and be inspired by outwardly.

If this is gonna be all compliments, I can't read these, all right? At some point, you got a shit on me. Without exaggeration, it moved my timetable up at least a year. For forever, I plan on waiting till I was 18. Thank you for the inspiration, good sir. This is where you call yourself an idiot

and downplay the situation. Ah, you son of a bitch, you were two sentences short. I lifted that move from you too. When my aunt said I was very brave, I just brushed it off like you with this email. Go fuck yourself, Jesus Christ. This fucking guy's killing it here. Should I be worried?

Oh, it's totally different, this is a different thing. I actually just assumed that this was a guy too. Could have been a lady. All right, should I be worried? Well, congratulations, sir or ma'am. Where am I? Should I be worried? Hey, Bill Burrington, the first.

Please read this on the, so I'm an English guy studying psychology in France and I've been dating an Italian girl for the last five months. Dude, what are you fucking James Bond? I'm insanely in love with this international cunt. What is the problem? Should I be worried?

You should be worried. You're an English guy living in France, studying psychology, dating some Italian woman. That's fucking awesome. I want your life. He goes, I'm insanely in love with her and I think she may be the one or at least the mother of my hypothetical children.

Hilarious. We both have a long history of relationship. I've been with a lot of girls and she's been with a lot of guys. Nice, you're both experienced and you came out of it unscathed. No STDs? That's great for both of you.

You know what that's like? When you've banged a lot of women and she's banged a lot of guys and you get there unscathed, you know what that's like? That's like one of those great fucking Super Bowl matchups. You know, that's a pick them. It's like the Cowboys Steelers 79.

I'm insanely in love with her, but okay. The other day I brought up an ex and this obviously pissed her off. Yeah, what the fuck, you don't do that? Because she then said she was speaking with an ex on Facebook and he said he wanted to marry her. I know she's still friends with some of her exes,

though so am I. But I still, you guys both need to fucking grow up. All right, either get out of this relationship, friends with your exes. But I still think her getting messages from these guys who clearly still want to fuck her is messed up obviously. And why are you still talking to your ladies?

You're keeping them in your little fucking dick orbit, aren't you? We're moving in together at the end of the year and usually you would say, dump the bitch. No, I'm not. I'm saying you both need to grow up. But she says she loves me and I can't lose this one. She's fucking beautiful, smart, funny and sweet.

So should I be worried about these fuckers and therefore bring it up? Or should I just shrug it off? Thanks and go fuck yourself. What I think you need to do is you need to commit to this woman. You have to tell her, say, listen, I'm not talking any more of my exes

and I would appreciate it if you would do the same. I think we got a great thing going here. And you know, I don't feel it's right that I'm still in contact with women that I used to be intimate with. It doesn't feel right to me anymore the way I feel about you. And I'm hoping that you feel the same way

about you keeping in contact with your exes. I'm not trying to have a fight here. I just want to have a rational conversation. Just start that way. And then you know what? You commit to her dude and it's over. Okay, all those other fucking guys that banged during all that type of stuff.

Did they give her a ring? No. You know? So you sound like you're an older guy. As far as like you've been down the fucking, you know, you know, you've been hacking your way through the jungle for a while. Who the fuck's kidding who?

All right. What are you going to do here? You know, you're going to lose this one. I don't think you're going to. So commit to her and then just show you, come in. But you know, once you lead by example, maybe that'll work. I don't fucking know.

But that whole bullshit where you're both staying where you're both fucking, you know, staying in contact with your exes is bullshit. Come on. Who's kidding? And you know, if you're a little drunk and then you get on the fucking Facebook there, shit is said, blah, blah, blah and all that shit.

So you know what you need to do. You both do. All right. Good luck to you. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourself. Oh, there's Jota Rosa.

Jota Rosa will be at the punchline in San Francisco this weekend. All twinkle toes himself. So if you're in the San Francisco area, go see fucking Jota Rosa. All right. There you go. That's my two cents for the fucking week.

Uh, I'm going to get caught up on some Bruins games. I'm psyched to be back. And once again, thank you. Thank you to everybody. Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Hong Kong and Mumbai. Thanks for coming out to the shows.