Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-24

Episode Date: February 16, 2024

Bill rambles with Joe Bartnick about old casinos, assisted reality, and broadcast gimmicks.  

All right. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you, seeing how your weeks going. You know why? Because I care. All right?

Unlike these politicians and these hairy-legged so-and-so's in the pharmaceutical companies, I care about you, which means I have a tour coming up and I need to sell tickets. But that's not what this is about. I have a guest here today. One of my oldest friends in the business. the Rose Bowl tailgate legend who's out there now with his own headlining tour, the one and only Joe Bartnick, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, Bill?

I will tell you what's up. Last night I watched my Celtics. Dude, I put the game on in the second half. They were up by 50. Wow, that's very nice. At one point, they were up by like 54. They ended up winning the game by 50. It was like we put our bench in, and Pritchard was leading the way.

who, you know, sometimes, I think sometimes he starts. I'm not sure if he does. I don't think he does. But he was just draining threes. Everyone was just having a field day on the Brooklyn Nets there. That was the inverse of my sports experience last night. As Aaron will know, the final nail in the Pittsburgh Penguin Dynasty coffin. Oh, no.

Was nailed last night. If there was any glimmer of hope that even I had kind of shut the door on, done. Florida Panthers came in, boom, boom, boom, the big cats ate us. alive, booing the power play. The penguins were booed. Sell that crowd, booed the penguins. So where are you guys in the standings? We're looking up at everybody except

like Columbus. On the outside looking in. You don't experience that much. I know the feeling of losing the Panthers. I don't got to tell a Bruins stand about that. I mean, the games in hand are just a bag of shit in my hand. It's just done. The lint. What happened? You know, everybody, you know, everybody kind

of got old. The bottom six, then our power play is, if our power play was not the rank, our power play is like ranked 30th in the league. We have four Hall of Famers technically. That's only too higher than me. I know. Literally, it's the bottom. And that's why we're-

They got 32 teams or 30? 32. All right. I'm ranked 33rd. If you ever saw me play over at the Pickwick Bowl. Oh my God. How about me? This is funny.

When you sent me the clip of like 1970s hockey, they kind of skated like me. Oh, I sent, I sent Bartnick this great clip. in color of, what was it? It was the Montreal Canadiens against the Kansas City Scouts who later became the Colorado Rockies, who later became your New Jersey Devils.

The Devils, the Devils, the Devils. There's only two teams that I can think of that have moved four times. Oh, maybe the Raiders, too. There's the Sacramento Kings. They were the Rochester Royals, the Cincinnati Royals, the Kansas City Kings and then the Sacramento Kings. And then the Oakland A's were the Philadelphia A's, the White Elephant.

And then it was the Kansas City A's, then the Oakland A's. And now if this goes through, which I don't know if it's going to. I was just out in Vegas, Joe Bartnick, and they were going to, they're getting ready to tear down the Tropicana. It's about time. It's a legendary place. No, it's a great place. Two legendary stories out there.

All right. one, not so much. We'll start with mine. I got replaced as a headliner. The first time I headlined there, I was like 28 years old. I was some up-and-coming guy and they stuck me out there

and it was like a blue-haired crowd and I didn't know how to play to him. And I was doing all my fucking hip New York City stupid shit and they were just staring at me like, you know, nobody cares. So then by like, I think I got there on a Tuesday,

Thursday morning, the lady who ran it, She's like, yeah, hey, Bill. So how do you think it's going? I was like, oh, God. Then my girlfriend at the time, I flew her out, and she thought it was headlining, and then she showed up, and I was middling. And the other famous story was the feds didn't like

there was too much mob activity owning the place. So they decided that they were going to make it more legit and give it to a corporation, you know? That's what the feds did. So the two people that bid on it, Wayne Newton had a group of people, investors, with him forefronting and then Johnny Carson had a group. Yes. And then Wayne Newton

won and then Johnny Carson started doing jokes in his monologue saying Wayne Newton had a little dick and Wayne was like Johnny you insult me a little bit and Johnny kept doing it and then Wayne Newton jumped on a little fucking puddle jumper. Went over there to Burbank had a little talking to

Johnny and that was the end of that. I literally just read this the second to last book I read. Yeah. I forget what was called. I have no short term memory. Yeah. That was the second to last book I was about that's when you could handle it yourself because there was no cell phone cameras yeah and i guess wayne is a black belt dude he probably grabbed johnny by what was left of his hair and took one of ed shawnessy's sticks and stuck it under his throat said next time you make a dick joke this is going to be a knife yeah cut your fucking head off and then johnny was like all right

and they used to be great friends johnny used to be big time in Vegas according to that book i read yeah a lot of backed away which we you wouldn't know but you wouldn't know that because i guess I wasn't old enough to know that. Well, I think he was doing the show five days a week. And then he got his own clothing line, those Johnny Carson suits. Agar. Yeah. With the double split in the back and the mudflap.

Before we get going too far, this guy is one of my favorite comedians in the business. You got to go see this guy. All you guys out there like, oh, you know, everything's too fucking this too. This guy is going to be nice and unfiltered. if that's what you're looking for. Joe Bartnick, speaking of Philly. Phili. Joe Bartnick will not have the Philly flu on March 10th.

He's showing up Sunday at the Punchline Comedy Club in Philly. Then what else you got? You got Zanis Comedy Club in Nashville, March 12th, Chicago, March 13th. And then you got the Punchline Comedy Club. Your hometown, your surrogate hometown. Yeah, San Francisco. In San Francisco on the 29th. The 20th.

The 20th, sorry. on the 29th, if you're in upstate New York, Poughkeepsie? Yes. Laugh it up. Hey, laugh it up. I love Poughkeepsie. That's a great fun crowd. I'm in Denver the 21st, Herman Tideaway. Where was that? Of March. I got like five or six big shows of March.

Okay. All right. That's the whole purpose of you being here. And all I'm hearing is the feedback. I'm getting all these emails from fans saying, like, oh, thank you so much for recommending this guy. Oh, that's nice of you to say. Oh, there you go. I'm not saying it, dude. I'm reading it. I'm not making shows. up here. You're not a reader. I'm not a big reader. He came in and

just tried to give me a book and I'm like, no, I don't accept cigars or books anymore. I'm getting that shit out of my life. I've quit both. I've quit books. Well, books aren't healthy for you. You read a bunch of stuff and you get, you know, you learn stuff you don't want to know. I know. You know, I saw this fucking douche on

Instagram yesterday and he was going like, in this sing-songy voice he was letting everybody know that like even though you put it in the recycle bin, nobody recycles it, and it ends up in the ocean. And then the tires that they do recycle end up on playgrounds and they're giving your kids cancer. And he's doing it in this sing-songy voice. I want to be like, dude, this information is at least 10 years old, if not 20 years old. How's that new TikTok info?

I don't know. It was on Instagram. And he goes, and the ba-b-ba-ba-ba is giving your kids cancer. Like he had it all figured out. It's like stop acting like you followed a recycling truck to see where it went. Somebody told you this shit, and now you went on the internet trying to be Mr. fucking know it all, and that's what I do. That's still happier, though, than my experiences on Instagram and TikTok, because I'm in this algorithm of people hanging off of very, very scary places, and I'm deathly afraid of heights. And somehow I'm locked in to seeing all this, and it's like, it just gives me the hebi-jeebies. You know what's weird?

I can't handle those. When those kids walk up there, but once you start watching it, all you do is saying, like, well, they have the video of it, so there's no way this kid died. Those ones where they have, like, the buildings that are under construction, and every time you're like, all right, all right, they go up and up and up. Like, they have like fucking no followers. Or they're hoverboarding over stuff. I mean, fear, sorry.

Or there's, you were the ones where they're like truck drivers like in the Himalayas? It's like a one-lane road on the side of the cliff. It's like, why are you doing? It literally, though, I'm stuck in this abyss of all this comes up, Oh, there's a bunch of people in a bus, and they're, like, hanging on to their babies and shit. And the guy has, like, you know, the double wheels on the right. Yeah. Like, one of them's off.

And everybody's like, oh, oh, and then he gives it a little gas and he fish tails back in. Who has to be on that bus? Like, who needs to get you just walk? Obviously, it's not an option, you know? Obviously, I mean, the spirit run that bus line? I don't know. There has to be a better way to get there. You know, you know, they get...

I'm not going to make your 80th birthday party. Yeah. Because I would like to be 80 someday. I bet they board that bus like Delta Airlines that there's all these fucking pre-borders. And everybody sits on the left side of the bus. Whatever side isn't towards the fucking... I mean, God damn it.

They try to sell it has a view. That's a great view. Yeah. You want to be on the scenic side? Yeah. Or the safe side. They sell once. side is a safe side like you're not fucking both going over.

There's a drink cart. Yeah. Dude, we were out in Vegas. We did the anything better. Me and Verzi and we got to go to that game and like, dude, I got me honest with you, the fucking Kansas City Chiefs getting points, I don't think I've ever been more relaxed. I just walked up with a stack of money and go, just give me the Chiefs. I knew that they were going to fucking win.

I just, it's like they're the Chiefs. They just, they fucking win. They won two games on the. road. They've been there before and they're getting points and I just had I just I but the game didn't go the way I thought it was going to go. I thought the chiefs I thought they were going to match touchdowns and then the chiefs were going to go a little bit out in front and purdy was going to have to go to the air and play catch up and then his inexperience was going to catch up with them and instead it was their defense dominated made Patrick a Holmes look average they just couldn't

convert it into points. They kept taking penalties and getting involved in like first in 15 or second and 20. But here's a stat, though. The fucking chiefs have not, their three Super Bowl, either their last three or their three victories, have not been called for holds. And they're showing some brutal fucking holds.

And I was kind of getting David Stern vibes when I would watch the NBA going, like, this is kind of massaged to, I think, you know, in my heart of hearts, I really think, though, they need the stories and they need the stars and stuff, and they just sort of like, you know, like when reality television at first was just reality television, but then you had to sift through 700 hours of footage.

They're like, we're not fucking doing this. So they started doing assisted reality. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I wrote on a couple of those assisted reality shows. Yeah. Oh, you did? Which one? Oh, well, I was in one of them.

My wife's a whore. You want to swap? Isn't that a show? You know, well, Eddie Griffin going for broke. I punched that show up. I remember that show. Eddie Griffin. It was great. I watched it because it was Eddie's show.

Yeah, I helped punch up that show. Was that about him doing stand-up or was it a thing about relatives? I mean, this is like a long time ago. He was... In the 2000s? Yeah, it was in the 2000s for sure. He was, he had like a bunch of, you know, a bunch of women and a bunch of, the whole life go.

Just Eddie Griffin. And he called me the white devil. But I was nice to his mom because I'm nice to everybody. So he liked me. But other than that, it was, it was interesting. his manager at the time was Michael Jackson's manager who was you're nice to everybody until you're not hey Tom Cruise thanked me for coming out to see the movie

you're still like I still enjoyed that's one of my favorite things ever you know I like top I guess Tom Cruise did a thing the beginning of Top Gun and he thanked everybody for coming out I think I talked about the last time yeah I think he did you know what I liked about that he thanked me like he went hey Joe Joe I'm sorry everybody else, but Joe Bartnick, I want to thank you. I am that narcissistic that I would think. Yeah, he looked out and pointed me. Everybody who goes on stage has a, has a, has at least a dash.

Doesn't everybody, who is not a narcissist? Even nuns are probably narcissists. No, that's a narcissistic thing to say. Isn't everybody like me? No, what it is, is I have a lot of experience with narcissists growing up with a lot of them and everything. The saddest thing is the person that they latch on to. That's the person you end up feeling bad for. All of our wives.

Yeah, or like the husbands. I mean, it goes both ways. It's kind of like, and then you have like, I think white people as a race behave like narcissists. We're like, oh, that never happened. Ah, that was a long time ago. I'm not going to hire you, but get a job, you lazy bastard. Like, you choose to live this way.

Like, we as a race kind of fucking, just don't take responsibility for anything or just say it was a lot of them. I think everybody doesn't take responsibility for things they don't want to. Once again, once again. Once again, I think everybody's doing that. No, people, there's adults out there. There's people out there that actually be like, you know what, you're right. Well, we're not getting into politics.

Oh, I'm not getting into politics. So the Japanese, they take responsibility for Per Barber. I was including liberals. I feel like liberals are a curse. They're the worst. They're a curse. They're not a. curse. Relax. I'm a middle

of the road guy. You're not, but we'll let you say that. Everybody thinks they're middle of the road. You lean. Everybody's leaning. Like the people on that bus. Well, I'm leaning because I'm not crazy. Yeah, I mean, there it is. Can I tell you something? The whole world makes sense to everybody in their head. And if everybody would just do what I'm doing, it would all make sense. That's why I can't. Well, that's like the old Carlin joke. I think it's calling everyone that drives

faster than you's crazy. Everyone to drive slower than use an asshole. Right? You ever notice everybody else's stuff is shit and all your shit is stuff? It's all the same thing. That's his joke. Hey, we get your shit out of here

so I put my stuff down. That's how human beings are. That's how we're naturally fucking wired. And I blame God. And I'm just sick of this devil shit that he keeps putting it on the fucking devil. It's like, no, dude, we're coming off your assembly line like this.

you know what I mean? Do you know how long it got me to actually hear what my wife had to say? I'm just like... Until this morning? No, like, yeah, like when she comes to me and says what I did, it's like she's talking about somebody else. I'm like, I didn't do that. Like a long time ago, you said Jesus fucking, I said it one time. She goes, she said it like nine times with some event. I went, Jesus fucking Christ, I thought I said it once.

She said I said it like nine times. And evidently, I was embarrassing the hell out of her. I had no fucking recollection of it. And I walked out of there, I felt like the victim. That right there is the human experience. Feeling like the victim when you're the aggressor. A lot of the times. And I would say everybody does that.

Yeah, probably. Yeah, 100%. But not everybody's going to be at the punchline on March 10th on Philly. Woo! Right there. No, I mean, you know, I just think the little narcissism is good for you. Oh, look who it is, everybody. at Zip. You know, our friends at ZipRecruiter conducted a recent survey and have found that the top hiring challenge employers face for 2024 is a lack of qualified candidates. But if you're an employer

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I'd say self-esteem. You gotta know your worth. Joe, if you don't know your worth, no one's gonna pay you. No, exactly. No, I mean, I think that's just self-confidence. That's just being happy with yourself. Right in our...

I don't know. No, it just, it all depends. It's all like, everything's a fine fucking line. There's a fine line between being self-assured and being insufferable. You know, there's a fine line between being conservative and joining a hate group, there's a fine line between being a liberal and becoming

a fucking fascist. It's all like really just like, it's literally, it's like this and like this, but everybody. Is that funny how like the most liberal and the most conservative people end up meeting at the bottom? A hundred percent. Dude, some of you should, some of the fucking reviews from liberals of my specials. It's like they literally immediately judge me on my fucking, my race, my sexuality. And the, you know, the fucking. You know, the fucking. straight guy whining about fucking air conditioning. Typical, blah, blah, blah.

And I'm just going like, you're liberal? Like, have you ever? And then it's like totally like reverse sexist, the whole fucking thing. And then you read the review and it's like, dude, you had your mind made up of me before you even watch my special and then you fast forward

so you get topics. And then he talks about this thing. It's like, you're not fucking watching this shit. That's the way it is. Or is that my narcissism going like, that's not what this special was. This special was magnificent. Well, it was a magnificent special.

But the truth is somewhere in between. But people want to just focus on what they can. There's just a lot of angry. See, I think my narcissism is this kind of. When I see haters coming to me, I just think they're jealous of me. All right. You know, I don't know. Like, you know, they're doing their thing and they're angry.

So they have to get back at me. Like, you know, I'm just living my life. I take it personal. You do? No, no, you don't. You take very little few things personal. No, I, I, I don't. You take sports more personal than other stuff.

Yes, and I've given up on that. I've given up on actually some on the other side acknowledging, like, take your penguins. You know what I mean? Like, they're never going to acknowledge that they had a bunch of leg breakers on that fucking team. They're going to put them in the ring of honor, and they're going to put their whipped cream on them and act like those people. I actually feel more comfortable defending off Samuelson. and I do talk in politics. Yeah, I mean, no, but I'm not going to fucking die on that hill.

I know you see nothing wrong with that guy. That guy is like, he's an eagle scout. No, he's no, but every team, he performed a function. Every team has guys that performed function. Yes, he did. You might not like the way we liberate countries, but some of those guys, they got to do what they got to do, you know? Oh, yeah.

Well, that's a whole other thing. No, I don't get to get to that. But I'm just saying, like, there's guys have jobs. They got to do their jobs. His job was to disrupt, you know. I hope nobody ever liberates this country. They probably have. I've seen the way it happens.

It doesn't seem to liberating. They're coming. Yeah. Are they? Who's coming? We can vaporize anybody. They're already here. The people in charge are doing it to us.

Oh, the corporations. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Good luck with that. Good luck getting people to wake up. That's why I'm a narcissist. I just enjoy my cocktails. I enjoy my hockey.

I enjoy my dogs. It's not the corporation. It's the ties. The color of the tie is what's doing. That's what everybody. Oh, the ties. I'm like, there's the ties. There's no ties.

No, no, no. There's shootouts now. We don't have ties anymore. What did you think about the game? The Super Bowl, I thought was amazing, and it played out exactly the way I thought it would, was that I think San Francisco is a better team, but I would never bet against Mahomes.

And I would have bet Mahomes except the fact that the Steelers won the season over. after like blowing two losing to the pads and somebody else when they were two to win teams within five days and I'm like there's no way I'm going to recover this over and they did I'm like I'm done betting this season oh you you were betting what was your bet this Steelers over eight and a half it was the biggest lock ever oh the thing I win more than eight and a half games yeah and then it's seven and nine they lost a two two and ten teams in five days yeah it's never a lock dude you always have to die like a thousand deaths yeah I can

kind of felt the same thing. I thought that the 49ers are a better team, but the Chiefs know how to win, 49ers don't know how to win yet, and then the Chiefs are going to get the calls. They are. Holding has been allowed now because of guys like T.J. Watt and the crazy guy I love on the Raiders and the guy in Dallas.

The guys just can sack the quarterback. At any time, a very athletic 260-pound guy that can run like a 4-1 can beat a 3-1, can beat a 390 pound obese tackle around the head. So they have to hold because they just they, when quarterbacks get hurt, look what happened, burrows hurt, they're done. Every team needs their quarterback to be healthy.

So they have to protect that guy. That's why holding is basically legal now. Yeah, they're kind of, they're protecting their money. And I think like right now, like if you look around the league, the Chiefs has kind of have the Ocean's 11 cast. And then they added Julia Roberts up in the box with, with Taylor Swift and it was just like

you knew that, you know, if there was going to be a tough call, which I'm not really making this about calls or anything, but that is an added thing. That Mahomes has an influence, the way Brady did, the way Peyton Manning did, the way all of the, you know, stars get fucking calls.

I mean, think about it. Like they let Jordan get beat up and he took two years off. The first year, the Spurs, beat up LeBron. And they were like, you know what, we're not doing this again. We're letting him do whatever he wants because he's the moneymaker. Right. Have you seen some of the highlights of the fucking level of like double dribbling and following?

It's fucking, I mean, traveling. Oh, it's, even in college now, my wife's a big Syracuse person. And I watch Syracuse now. It's just like the guys just treat it like they're the globetrotters. Dude, there's one of LeBron on a fast break. He catches the ball maybe 10 feet past the half court line and he runs like four steps and then dunks. Yeah. And it's just like, what to f-oh?

Oh, is this rugby? What just happened there? He just grabbed the ball and started running with it. I have watched that Jimmy Doors take me to a couple of Clipper games, which is nice other than the noise in the arena. It's fun. Oh, yeah. The DJs are definitely an issue in L.A. sports.

They, like, they are there and they're going to let you know that they're there. Even at the Dodgers game, they got it like fucking. It's a baseball game? It's fucking cranked. Oh, when me and Verzi went to the, uh, so far together this season. We were just in having it having a tequila.

There was, you know when it's like just a couple like teenage kids shagging punts? Mm-hmm. There was like two punters on the field. There was noise like it was third and ten in the Super Bowl in the fourth.

Oh yeah. And we're like, there's no one. And then you look around. You look around and everybody's like there's no one in the stands. It was like it was LA a half hour before the game. So there's nobody there.

No. You know what I noticed too? like how much they pump crowd noise in. I went to, it was Saints versus the Rams. I mean, it's a gorgeous stadium. The stadium's ridiculous. You feel like you're in, it's like a green screen when you look across. So I was at the game

and like, I was hearing this constant screaming and I'm looking around. It's like nobody's cheering. Everybody, you actually get drowned out by the DJ and the fake applause. And then the Saints did something, intercepted a ball, ran it back for a touchdown.

And then they didn't pump any noise in. you heard the Saints fans and what they, it's like, oh, that's what real cheering sounds like. And then the second they got done cheering, when they were lining up for the football, the kickoff again, you start hearing, and I'm looking around and everybody's just sitting there. Like, I really feel like those DJs, they're supposed to amp up the crowd, but what they do is they take you out of the game because their system is so much louder. It's like, I can't yell over that. I can't be heard over that. And like, you're, you know, you're saying,

second down at eight. And it's just like, all right, yeah, it's kind of all over the stadium. Like, I love when they're yelling what down it is and how many yards there are. Yet there's these fucking giant TVs that have all of the information. And who, I mean, how many Taylor Swifts are there

that don't know football? Like, who do you have to, like, tell what's going on to? And at regular season football game? There's numbers on the field. I mean, it's right there. And then you got the, guy flipping the thing over. You can see it there. You can see it up on the screen. I remember being in Southern when they started putting the yellow lines. I like having to look at the marker.

Oh, the marker. I like the yellow. I don't mind the on the, uh, the on field graphics. Who's the first person to do that? And they got ridiculed. Oh, on Fox probably. Was the, uh, yeah, the NHL. Oh, the glowing puck. The glowing puck and it had the tail. I mean, it was fucking bizarre. Well, now I like it. But now everybody, and they all got ridiculed, but now like everybody took that technology. And I like when they do like the red zone thing. I like when they have like the down. Or they, hey, he's five yards from a field goal. Now, like on the Ducks broadcast, sometimes when they shoot, it shows like, like,

it's like in a golf shot when the turf goes. Sometimes it'll, like, show the shot, like the speed of the shot. We played when we were out there. We played at this place, the summit. It's a private country club, and we're doing the anything better. Thank you to the people at the MGM Grand Casino, because it was a private thing. They're like, oh, we want these guys to have a good time because we were trying to get, we were trying to play the win, but they were keeping it for.

all their high roller guests. They went on high roller. So we couldn't get on there. And this guy just hooked us up. The most gorgeous golf course. I felt like it was in the fucking PGA. I actually played better because it looked so good. The greens were super fast, but I had a great caddy.

And you know what, Joe? I'm coachable. So I just did what he was saying. And I had a good time. Did he wear the catty outfit? He had the whole fucking caddy outfit. Oh, that's great. Oh, yeah.

Now, we had a good time. and, you know, there was a couple of NFL players I saw out there. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to say the names, but, like, dude, I get this one quarterback. I mean, fucking, they're all like six, five now. And, but you look at them, they're not built the way they used to be built where they were, like, all thick and everything. I think guys like Tom Brady and even like Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning played for a long time.

They were more like, like, I don't know, like Pilates, Wiery. Yeah, they do the stretching. Yeah, they get their inner muscles strong for, for quarter. core. Yeah. So like they get, they try to become as double joint as possible. So when they get hit, they can take the hit. And, uh, I was looking at the quarterback. And he looked more like he played basketball, you know, he didn't look like he was still big, but he looked like he would play two or three in the NBA. You don't look like it. It's like, it's like, this guy's taking fucking hits. Uh, it's amazing. Those guys, anyone, when you see them in real life, that they take the hits.

You know what surprised me? You know what I saw a long time ago? It surprised me how big he was, was Joe Thaisman. Oh, yeah, he's thick. Yeah, because Joe Thys, he had, like, the field goal kicker, the one bar, you know, so it didn't make him, that actually meant he was a tough guy that he only had, like, the one bar, right? He was basically playing with, like, a 1960s football helmet. And I saw him at, like, a mall. I walked by him. And he was, dude, he was, like 6-2, which was bigger back then. It's, now everybody 6-5. This was, like, in the 90s when I saw him. But, yeah, dude, he had, like, a fucking barrel chest. And at that point,

I mean, he had to be pushing 50, and I was looking at, like, I would not fuck with that guy. That guy would, like, choke slam me. Obviously, he would. He's a pro football player, but it's just like you just grew up watching him getting thrown around by Lawrence Taylor and stuff. So when you head, you're like, you're thinking like this guy's like 5-8, and then you see him as he's like 6-2. You're like, this guy gets ragged all. This guy would fucking throw me across the parking lot. Well, as they compare to the hogs, he's a little guy.

But compared to the accountant, he's a tough. What a great, the hogs. What a great name. Yeah. The hogs. How many offensive lines? Offensive lines had, our younger listeners, the Washington Redskins, they were like, I think I want to say,

like they, maybe it was the Cowboys, but they were one of the first ones that had an entire line that was like pushing 300 pounds. Right. And they were like, that's when no one went free agency. So they all stuck around for like five years, at least five, six years. They won three superiors. Who was that top guy who was like six, seven? What was his name?

Jacoby, right? Jacobi. I was thinking Jay Schrader, that was their quarterback. Remember the nose tackle was Dave Buns? I told him. I know a lot of old hugs. But it's funny, the Redskins actually started in Boston. Oh, that's right.

I read that one time. Yeah, and actually that guy was the most racist owner ever. I mean, it started in Boston. I mean, there you go. That's what we're known for. bake beans, chowder, and racism. He grew up in West Virginia. And championship.

It was on like the wrong side of the Civil War. He rooted for the wrong team. Yeah. Wow. And that's why he was, he personally held the NFL back racially for like a decade. Oh, as far as like, but NFL integrated pretty early. Before they realized or before they said, this might not be a good idea. Or before this guy threw a fit, there was blacks in the NFL.

In the 20s. Yes. And then they took them out. They took them out. And then they were like, well, we want to, you know, we want to have a better product. Yeah, what happened was they drafted a couple. They were like the best players.

Like, hey, we should all do this. It's like how, it's why the SEC got integrated. The SEC was all like, we're white. And then of a sudden, like, they started losing to like USC. It always comes down to that. Yeah. It's always, it's always about money. It's never about like the right thing.

But I will say what the right thing is to go out and see Joe Bartnick on his tour. I feel like there's like Charlie Rose this time Not too many laughs this show What do you mean? We were laughing? Okay I thought it was like a very serious conversation Narcissism, politics

We never get this heavy Well yeah we haven't seen each other for a while What do we're usually drunk outside the Rose Bowl Trying to name every starting quarterback from 1978 We can We can I know my wife is like Wait

You don't care about very many things Bob Greasy, Steve Grogan, Joe Ferguson. We'll do divisions. I'll do AFCEs first. Richard Todd and Bert Jones. Bert Jones. Oh, I love Bert John. Maybe there's a ram for a minute.

All right. Okay. Okay. Then we have Sipe. Brian Sight. We have Sipe Terry, Pasterini, and Kenny the Candles, Anderson. Kenny the candle. And then Bill Kinney's always the last straw.

That's always the one we never get. Then you just gave it to me. Bill Kenny on the chief. Ken Stabler. Dan Fouts, Air Coria. Jim Zorn. Zorni. Who am I missing in that division? The Broncos.

Craig Morton. Craig Morton. Craig Morton. All right. Now we go. Now you've got to do NFC East. NFC East would be. Oh, it's Pasarchic.

Who was he playing for? The Giants. Oh, my God. I wouldn't have got that. I thought my 78th they had a drafts Phil Sims. Well, I mean, Phil's more like the 80s. I'll say Pasarchic. And then, well, Jaws.

Jawors. Or Roman Gabriel, early 70s. game real. Then Jaws. They got a little of Jaws. Okay. Then we go Dallas, obviously Staubuck or Danny White, the punter. And then we have who's the other team there? Cardinals. Cardinals. Oh, oh, oh, Jim Hart.

Played forever. Jim Hart. Okay, then the Central. I'm doing the Central. Bob Avelini. Mike Phipps? Was he on the, or Lynn Dickey? Lynn Dickey was the Packers. Mike Phipps was the Browns, sorry. Lynn Dickey was on the factors.

Mike Evans was on good times. Who was the Black team? Greg Landry. Greg Landy was the, uh, and Doug Williams. Doug Williams. I'm missing somebody. Oh, the Vikings. Hang on, hang on.

Fran Tarkington. For Tommy Kramer. Or Tommy Kramer. And the other one is the kid. By the way, we both went to summer school, but we can never forget this shit. And the other thing was the guy that's now the big time announcer on CBS. We used to play for the lines. He does Saturday afternoons with Vern.

Oh, Gary Danielson. Gary Danielson was the line. Yep. Okay, and now the West, Pat Hayden and or Vince Farragamo and or Roman Gabriel, we accepted for the Rams. And then you had the Niners is a John, well, John Heddle is way before that. Oh, it would be Steve DeBerg or Jim Plunkett or John Brody. Oh, Brody, yes, yes. All acceptable.

Throw him to Gene Washington. Oh, yeah, me and Gene's from Pittsburgh. Me and Gene. They said his guy's running style, running home from school. He was scared. Oh, God. I can see that. And then, okay, so we had, who are the other teams on the West?

The Falcons? He got the Polkons. Oh, the Polkowski. Yes. The Polish Canon. Polish canon. Yeah, Barcowski. And then you got the Saints.

Wait a minute. Oh, Archie. Archie Manning. Archie Manning. Good call. But remember the, when the original black dudes have played for the bears, he came in for a minute. Virgil Livers. No, he's a receiver.

Virgil Livers. That sounds like a made up name. No, that was a receiver. He was a running back. I know, not Jersey Joe Jefferson. No, you're right. You're right. Who was that?

Mike Evans was the guy in good times. No. Was it Mike Fifth? No. It was Evans. It was Evans. What was his name? I don't know.

Mike, Greg. I forget. But we did get all 28. I'm going to show. We did get all 28. I got one for you. This is. I like how we can name like 15 guys on the big red machine,

but I can't name 10 NFL, uh, major league baseball. players right now. I know all my, I am super 70 sports. Oh, that's what I say. Did you see super 70 sports the other night? Had I. Oh, I don't have to look it up. Marlon Briscoe, that's the quarterback. Everybody should know, but doesn't know. Marlon Briscoe played for the Denver Broncos in the AFL for one, for half a season, lit the whole place on fire because the white quarterback went down. He went in there and what you saw was the modern day NFL. You saw a guy running, improvising, doing all that. He became like, a threat to run down the field, and then he was throwing dimes.

And they didn't care. They were just super racist, so they just drafted another white guy, and they were like, yeah, and they shipped him off to Buffalo, where he finished his career as a wide receiver. It was still good enough to do that. But I don't know why NFL Films has never done anything about him or given him his props, because whenever they talk about the history of black quarterbacks, they usually start with Doug Williams, I want to say.

And Doug Williams was amazing. Is it cream sick? Oh, he was. And the other guy And the first African-American quarterback to win Super Bowl beating the Denver Broncos of all fucking people. Look at that.

It comes full circle. The other great, great, great quarterback was Randall Cunningham. Oh, some of his highlights are insane. You know, the NFL films, though, they've buried either they're too violent or something. You don't see any good NFL films. I think it's the internet.

The bucket material is like burned. But also the Sable guys passed away. The sun died. I think he died before his dad. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. But you know, like, you never, when they show Dick Buckus, they never show when he's, like, losing his mind on the bench all bloody and he's, like, shaking like a serial killer. You never see when he's in the, he's sitting in a show like this one time, like, what's his favorite movie? And he's like, I like when the head gets cut off and rolls down the stairs.

I always got a charge out of that. Yeah, you never see those highlights anymore. I don't know. It's a... Sanitized. Why are they sanitizing pro football? You know what I like, though, is Darmacusu, whenever I watched him play, like, everybody was, oh, this guy's a dude. dirty players. He's playing in the wrong era.

And Dombekusu was a fucking 1960s NFL, not AFL. NFL, NFL, NFL, the violent world of Sam Huff type of player. He just played, like when he stepped on that guy, I loved that. That was his standard issue in the NFL was. I mean, if you look at

like, me and Joe's like 10 most vicious acts, they're hilarious. Just cream and people. Yeah, and all illegal now. All illegal. Unfortunately, Joe, I have a fucking meeting. I got to get to I just want to say, dude, all of these years working with you on the road and watching you going out and just now killing it as a headliner. It's a, you know, to quote LeBron James, it's about damn time. Oh, well, thank you.

I mean, and like I've said, maybe on this podcast, I got to like sit on deck. It's like sitting on deck and watching Joe DiMaggio. How could I not learn something sitting on deck and watching him? There's more like watching Boo Powell. If you know what he looks like. Although Boopal has a nice, he has a nice full head of hair. Hey, he's a Hall of Famer. Boog Pal, right?

Yeah, I think I look more like rusty cunts. Rusty stob! Nice pinch header. There you go. We should do a Super 70s podcast. I should get that guy. I love that guy. Why don't you get?

Super gingers. Super gingers. Super gingers of 70 sports. Bill Walton. Bill Walton. Dave Cowans. Dave Cowans. Dan Isle?

John Madden? John Madden. Is a coach? Yeah. All right. rest and peace. We're going to keep talking here. Joe Bartnick, everybody.

Thanks, Bill. Regular on my podcast. I'll help you promote all your dates because I believe in your brother. And I'm so happy for you. I love coming on. And thank you for me having you on. And you were funny, dude. You were funny.

Okay, thanks. I know. I see that's how my narcissism I worry about things. All right. I want to be great. It's like you have like a condition. This is like the tonight show. My edgy.

My narcissism. I get nervous. When I did this the first time, it was like I did the tonight show. People call me from all. the world like, hey. Did you see the, the Lovitz interview I did last week? It was great.

That's all we do. He's still giving me shit. That's what he does. He just goes on and on and then he goes, and your turn. What's so great about John Lovitz is he's like the nicest guy in person. Oh, you know what's funny about him? For his character, I want to say character,

he's like the nicest guy. His brand, bargain brand, John Lovitz. You can get John Lovitz's fucking brand at the dollar store. There will be a return episode. I was being nice. I'm coming for you, Lovinz.

I noticed you pulling your punches a little bit on him. I know. It's like beating an old dog. I wouldn't do that to him. That fucking Basset Hound face. I can't do that to him. I'm taking free shots. I know.

It's like you're cutting a wrestling promo. He's going to come out from the back of him with a chair. See, Lovitz. Let's be honest. Lovitz looks more like a manager than a wrestler. All right. That's it, everybody. Joe Bartnick, go see him in Philly, go see him in Nashville, Chicago, all the work in towns.

Denver, San Francisco. Chicago, we've had great times in Chicago. You work to make your rent there, but that's all, that's all like, all you tech bros who want to be manly. Go down and see this guy here who has an unironic mustache. All right, that's it, everybody. Thank you for watching the podcast. We got some music coming up picked out by the wonderful Andrew Thumbus. We have a bonus half-hour episode of, uh,

the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Joey B. Love you, brother. Thank you. We'll see you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 15th, 2016. Hello, how are you?

How was your world going on this Monday? How was your Valentine's Day, huh? Did you get her something special? If you're a smart son of a bitch, you're either not in a relationship or you're not taking her out until tonight or tomorrow, whatever, whenever the prices go back down again. And by the way, if enough people start doing this and the old fucking restaurants get wise to it and they start making their prices higher, Valentine's Day prices a few days before, a few days after, then fucking wait a week, wait a month. Do it a month earlier. It's the biggest fucking rip-off, probably of the year, other than probably what's going on to Bernie Sanders,

but I don't really understand. I guess she has some super delegates, you know. Oh, fucking Hillary Clinton's got the super. She already has the super delegate. She already has 100. She only needs 120. Whatever the fuck that is. Jesus Christ, it's like playing bridge trying to keep up what's going on.

have no idea. All I know is I like that Bernie looks like an old dog trying to eat a meal when he's talking. The fucking jowls going and the weird things that his fingers do. I like it. I could look at that for four years. I got to admit that as much as I don't like all the racist shit Trump is doing, I do love some fucking jerk off yelling at other politicians. So that part has been enjoyable. You're a liar. There weren't any weapons. of mass destruction and they knew it. I mean, he sounds like he's quoting some podcasts. I have no idea.

At some point I'm going to start paying attention. There's got to be some even keeled so-and-so out there. I have no fucking clue. I have no clue. And last week I said that I hated when people in the public eye talk about politics. You know, that's not true. I hate when they fucking tell me why I should vote for somebody. Oh, shit.

were you the guy from interview with the vampire? Oh yeah, who should I elect for leader of the free world? It was like when Tom Cruise was talking about psychology. It's like, oh yeah, you pretended to be a showgun warrior and a NASCAR champion. Let me, by all means, let me listen to you talk about modern medicine. As long as you preface it with like, I'm a fucking moron, I don't know what I'm talking about, but here you go, you know? But when you really start believing it, that's when you get in trouble. And maybe I believe it.

Maybe this is the way I'm just sort of soft pedaling it to you. I'm playing the moron as I'm fucking feeding you my little, it's putting a little ringworm in your fucking ear, whatever people say there with the fucking earworm, right? Some song you can't stand gets in your fucking head. You know, it's kind of a weird one is what a song you like gets in your head. And then you don't mind and then you drive everybody nuts around you. like Steve Gorman from Steve Gorman

Sports sent me this link to this country star that's been that's been struggling for a long, long time and he finally got a big break. I believe he's a distant cousin of Roy Clark. I'm not sure, but his name is Wheeler Walker Jr. And he sent me a clip that I'll send you guys. It's a great fucking song for Valentine's Day

if you're not in a relationship for a man or a woman. And the hook has just been stopped. in my head. And I really want to sing it to you, but it's going to ruin it for you. So go look up Wheeler Walker Jr. Well, I guess the song kind of ruins it. It's called Fuck You Bitch. And it's really catchy. And it's, I don't know, it's, it's kind of poetic. I really think the chorus really sums up what you feel when somebody breaks your heart. So, you know, country music. Those country music stars, they can do that to you every once in a while.

And it's nice to see someone go to the left. You know, those fucking country singers, those poor bastards, for all these years, you know, they've been abusing drugs and, you know, going to clan meetings and beating the shit out of their women. But when they get on TV, they've got to do that family values thing. You know, they got to get, I just want to thank Jesus. And I'm just, I just feel blessed, y'all, just taking me into your heart. You know, hey, y'all, you want some potato salad?

That stupid, phony fucking southern thing, where if you're from up north the first time you see it, your heart melts when you hear that twang and you just think that they're the nicest fucking person. Nobody can stick the fucking knife in your back. Like a fucking southerner with that fucking, hey y'all. I'm just fucking, they downplay it. They play dumb.

But blah, blah, blah, blah. And next thing you know, you're laying in a fucking pig trot. about ready to get fucking eaten alive. That's how it goes down. All right. That guy from fucking 50 snatches and 40 smoking barrels. That's where he got it from. Okay, not from that cunt.

You know, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Anyways, I watched a brand new TV show last night, and I was really fucking disappointed. You know, I fucking turned it on. I needed a new show. and I thought it was going to be the one I was like this is going to be it it's Valentine's Day night

okay me and the lovely Nia we're not going out I had a fucking one of those tomahawk steaks frozen in the freezer the fucking freezer right defrosted that bitch all day

I watched like 30 YouTube videos this ad dude it's a dude you know if you're going to do a tomahawk state there's only one way to do it as far as I'm concerned I watched like 50 of those fucking things. And I just sort of like, I took a survey with temperature and time, flippage and all of that stuff. And I went down the middle.

And I got a little impatient with the big green egg. My temperature was a little higher than I wanted. So it came out of a medium rather than a medium rare. But it was still fucking delish. And there was a new series that I tried to get into last night. And I put it on. And it looked good. the acting was great, but the dialogue just wasn't there.

And I tried to fucking fight it out for the first 20 minutes. And then I just looked over at Nia. Nia did one of those, yeah, you know, big in pale in the fucking eyes. Like, this is, yeah. And then I was just like, well, let's shut it off. She's like, no, you know, we got to at least watch the pilot episode, you know, which is how she ended up marrying me. because I believe 20 minutes into our relationship.

She was like, yeah, but she fucking stuck it through. Right? She kept panning for gold and she found a little nugget and she stuck with me. I didn't. I was just like, fuck this, I'm out. And by 40 minutes into it, I was imitating people in it. And the whole thing just went down the shitter. So, once again.

But you know what? You know what I'm finally going to do? I think I'm finally going to start watching. game of thrones now that they're fucking five 10 15 fucking seasons into it i've been trying to watch it for the longest time but uh nia's just not into it you know she doesn't want to see a bunch of white people running around chasing dragons it's just not what she's into and uh i'm not really into dragons either but like if you're going to cut somebody's fucking head off like um you know you got to do a lot to lose me after that point you know i don't know maybe i don't

I don't know. Who the fuck knows? Maybe I remember watching the first one, and there was some sort of spooky thing going on, and there was some little kid that was supposed to watch a beheading, and he looked away, and then I figured what his dad did, put him on the rack or something. I don't remember. But then, I don't know what happened. It just kept going, and, you know, it was like a train that was coming, right? And you could have ran and caught it, but you don't.

You just stand there and you watch it disappear. And in that moment when that train disappears, and you realize you're late for work, in that fucking moment, you question everything that you're doing in your life. Why didn't I run for that train? Because I have this job that I don't like. What am I doing in this relationship?

What happened to me? What happened in the last six years in my fucking life? All right? It's a critical moment there where you have to beat all those thoughts down, bury them, and go back to being the zombie that you are. Which brings me to the walking dead.

No, I'm kidding. Anyways, I want to think, Thank everyone who came out in Cheyne, Wyoming. I kept doing a Southern accent the entire time I was out there and I was addressing it,

but I don't know what Wyoming people sound like. Cheyenne, Wyoming, and Denver, Colorado. I went out with Dean Del Rey, and we had a great fucking time. I played this Cheyenne Civic Center. How cool does that sound? Had all this amazing woodwork inside of it that really looked like one of those

log cabins that either an oil man or a fucking Hollywood Starlet goes and buys. You know, like when people like a huge amount of success pretending to be other people, at some point they have to get out of L.A., and they always end up in like Wyoming or Montana. It's fucking hilarious. And they buy what looks like a log cabin, sort of. It looks like a log cabin and like a fucking resort all at the same time. You know, and then they go out there and they buy their, uh, designer, I'm a

fucking cattle rancher wardrobe. And then they do the fucking interview, right, with their big stupid cowboy hat on. And older, wiser, so-and-so, steps back to evaluate the last six years of a whirlwind,

whatever the fuck it is, right? You know what I mean? And then they pretend that they can live this little fucking life out there before they go nuts after three days and they call up a G5 to pick them up and take them right back, you know, and they end up

back down the chateau right the chateau mamma doing blow in a bungalow that's what you do you're finding a little bit of balance um oh speaking of fucking before i go back on that shit speaking of fucking sick-ass houses i was i went on this paul newman kick you know he's my favorite of all time you know a lot of people go steed bequeen i like steed bequeen but paul newman's my guy um he's my fella i just i don't know Once I look into those blue eyes, I just, I melt to just say anything. I believe it. Are you a pool shark? Are you a lawyer?

Do you play hockey? I watched, well, I guess the first thing I watched, I watched the man with the golden arm, which Del Rey was telling me to watch, which was a movie about Frank Sinatra playing a heroin addict, who, you know, comes out of jail and he gets clean. and he plays the drums and he wants to get a gig playing drums. And I watched a great fucking movie. There's some brutal, brutal overacting. You got to, I don't know, I would definitely recommend seeing that.

So once I finish that, you know, it's like the next thing that was coming up was somebody up there likes me, which I'd always heard of when I was growing up. And then once I saw it was Paul Newman, I was like, all right, I'm going to watch it. And it was him playing Rocky Graziano, the Rocky Graziano. Raziano story. And I literally forget what I was talking. Oh, that's right. That's right.

So it just got me on this, this Paul Newman thing. And you know what's funny is this thing. Actually, Steve McQueen is in that movie for fucking two seconds. And it's right as Graziano's getting out of some fucking, you know, juvenile detention home that he fucking escapes. So he's going around the neighborhood, tapping all these guys, all this tough guy friends on the shoulders. to be like, hey, I'm back in the neighborhood and all of them turn around. Like, who the fuck is this guy, right?

Because they're tough street kids. So fucking, fucking Steve McQueen is shooting pull. Rocky taps him on the shoulder and he fucking turns around with a knife out just in two seconds. And then he realizes it's like, it's Rocky.

He's like, hey, Rocky! And he does this stupid fucking thing with his hand. That I don't know who fucking there's certain things in movies that the first guy who plays that guy does and then it's this weird fucking thing where every other actor after it starts fucking doing it and you know nobody ever did it who's actually the guy that they're playing but then it's done enough in fucking movies that the people who are actually a guy then they start fucking doing it and that's when it becomes a circle and you don't know who the fuck it is it's this fucking thing like uh it's almost like say you were getting a manicure right and you wanted to dry it off your nails and you do just he's like hey rocky and he's doing this stupid fucking thing with his hand um i don't know i'm going a really long way here to tell you what i really want to tell you but like one of my favorite things is to watch actors during that era playing tough street kids um like it's just it's fucking cringe worthy that fucking movie that marlin brando did he's on

the motorcycle what the fuck was that one called it's not the wild bunch that was a cowboy movie. Rebel without a car. Now that's James Dean. I can't remember, but just do you have to sit there and watch that shit? How fucking brutal it is. That West Side Story, which I don't think I've ever seen. I'm just going to throw that in there because I need three of them. I don't know. Whatever. So I started watching that. So then I

finished that one. And then the next one that came on, I can't even remember the name of it. Fuck. Hang on a second. Now I got an IMD. B fucking Paul Newman. He just has the bluest eyes. Paul Newman, I.M.D. fucking B. Filmography.

So anyways, I think it was called, not Hudson. The long story was this next movie comes on, right? And in the beginning, he's driving in this car, and he's clearly in Los Angeles, which was one of my favorite fucking things ever, to just see old footage, black and white or color of L.A. and you just get to see, like,

you can usually tell by the Hollywood hills and sometimes the highways and shit, kind of where they are. And you'll see like train tracks and shit that they ripped up, those fucking cunts. Or you'll see, you know, you'll just see how less populated is. All right, here it is. Harper. Harper's the movie.

The very beginning of the movie, he goes into a house. And Lauren Bacall's in there. Lauren Bacall who married Humphrey Bogart, Bogie and Bacall, one of the great couples in Hollywood history. And, you know, Humphrey Bogart, somebody that Frank Sinatra stole a lot of his swagger from. They were also the first rat pack, Humphrey Bogart and all his fucking crew. And not only did Sinatra steal a lot of Humphrey Bogart's swagger, he actually ended up fucking Lauren Bacall later on after Humphrey Bogart died.

which is really fucked up. But anyways, I digress. So in Harper, he pulls into this fucking house that I could not believe. And I actually looked it up and it still exists. Look it up right now if you're at work. Pretend that you're doing, that you're doing some sort of busy work. It's on 1-0-1-1 North Beverly Drive, 1011 Beverly Drive.

And this fucking house, I think it's just called the Beverly House. It's in Beverly Hills. Probably has one of the sickest fucking pools I've ever seen in my life. It's like a three-tiered thing. The first two tiers, I believe, are just considered a waterfall. And first of all, it has like a half-mile driveway that he comes up around. And what's hilarious, which looks like the first year they had the Porsche, which at this point, by 1965, when they shot it, was just considered a piece of shit.

Who would know that years later, some baby. Baby Boomer would play like fucking 900 grand for it. So he's driving up one of the fenders is like that fucking, you know, what's that paint that they primored and all that shit? So he pulls up in this fucking house. You got to see the backyard of it. So actually I looked the fucking thing up. I found out where it was.

And the next time I fly a helicopter, I'm going to fucking fly over the house and check it out. It's actually just a little bit north of the Beverly Hills Hotel. But you got to check this fucking thing. thing out. One of the great things about living in Los Angeles, a lot of people, you know, always shit on living in L.A. But one of the, I think L.A. arguably has some of the most amazing homes in the country, just

for the simple fact that for whatever reason, I don't know if it's the weather out here or what, they haven't been torn down. So many of them, you know, other places that I've been to, but they have like craftsmen houses out here and then they have all the the the spanish the mediterranean style ones they have uh they got it's just incredible houses so you got to check this one out this house is actually kind of ugly you know when you pull up they shot the godfather part two there but part one there this is actually the house where uh the horses head scene um spoiler alert if you're one of the two people have never seen that fucking movie they shot that scene in there and

JFK and his wife Jackie had their honeymoon in this fucking house. I just saw it recently. The last time it's sold, it sold for $135 million. And all I'm doing looking at it, after buying my old ass house that was made in 1923, all I see is fucking 50,000 square foot of galvanized pipe and cloth wiring that they're going to have to somehow fucking redo. Well, sections of it. You know, there's a little bit of copper pipe here, a little bit of wiring that was done correctly.

But anyways, that's another cool thing about these fucking houses out there is that they've been around so long. And if they're in a desirable area in Hollywood, like the stories of like the people that live there. Like, how cool. I mean, that's $135 million house. Obviously it'd be a fucking amazing house. But how fucking, you know, amazing would be to have that house and be like, you didn't see a movie? and you're watching Paul Newman walking across your fucking terrace

that you now on. I don't know. I think that shit's cool as hell. But, you know, while you're at it, you can check out a lot of those and also just look up famous Hollywood homes. I told you, there's a house about not even like,

I don't know, maybe a 15-minute drive away from me. And in Los Angeles, 15 minutes is a big fucking deal. Sometimes just, you know, 15 blocks. It can go one way or another. It can literally go like to, I'm going to get stabbed to how to fuck can you ever afford to live in. How many people did you steal from to get this fucking, this guy's got a moat around his house. That's the way L.A. is.

It's like really like patchwork. So like a 15 minute drive away from where I live, my neighbor told me there's a house that went up for sale. I think I told the story before. and it's an old ass house. It's pre-prohibition. And basically, when Prohibition came around, this house had a pool and then it had a cabana. And in the cabana, this guy, he built a bar during Prohibition and he had illegal booze or I don't know if he was making beer in the bathtub, whatever the fuck he was doing. But he used to have all these famous people come over there and they would just booze it up.

and anybody who came over there and drank that was famous, he would have him carve their names into the bar. And evidently, according to my neighbor who went and looked at the house, even though he couldn't afford it, he just wanted to see the bar. He went and looked at it. And it's one of those things if you buy the house, it's that bar is obviously protected by the historical society of some shit. But you go in there and everyone from like Louis Armstrong to like fucking Humphrey Bogart

have carved their names into that fucking bar. So whatever, that's some sort of nerdy Los Angeles house shit. But yeah, definitely, rather than work today, just go on Google Earth and just look at some of those fucking houses. Or just Google like famous Hollywood homes. Dude, there's homes where like, you know, when I was watching that, you know, somebody up there likes me. I should really know the name of the fucking actress. the one who plays Paul Newman's love interest, obviously, is an absolute fucking knockout, and I'd never heard of her.

So the fact that I never heard of her, I'm like, oh, fuck. I've looked up enough of those old movies. Like, I got this creepy thing that I always look people up like an older person. Like, all right, that person is definitely dead. Let's see how long that they lived for, right? Or you try to find a cast where, like everybody's dead, you know, which is a very difficult thing to do. So anyway, so I started looking up, you know, the people that were, you know, this woman, I hope I say her name right.

It's P-I-E-R. Is it Pierre? Pierre? I don't know. And jelly, I have no idea. I looked her up and I was immediately going like, she probably died of pills. Because back then, like, I don't know, like getting, giving people pills. Like, it seems back then, every guy either died of a heart attack in his 50s and 60s, or he died of cancer, and like 90% of the women died of an accidental, like, barbiturate overdose. Because back then, like, you know, the woman came in and she had some emotional issues. You know, the doctors were like, for God's sakes, get a hold of yourself. And they would just give her some pills to relax her.

It was like in that movie airplane where they were just slapping you and giving you a backhand and shit. So she was just gorgeous, amazing actress. And then, of course, I looked it up. and, you know, she died accidentally. Some people say suicide. Some people say accidentally at 39 years of age. And then I look it up.

And sure enough, the place where she fucking overdosed is still there. That's another one of those things. It's a really fucking, you know, it's either cool or creepy. All these fucking houses that people died in. There's another actor in there. This guy's Sal Minio or whatever. I swear to God, who's, a dead ringer for Ralph Machio. He's in it. And he ended, he got fucking stabbed to death in like

the mid-70s. It's fucking unreal, man. A lot of people, a lot of stars back in the day, they didn't make it. They didn't fucking ride it out, it seemed. Like, just crazy shit happened to him. And I guess what I'm saying is that a lot of these houses still exist. And if you're sort of a, I guess I'm becoming morbid in my older ages, I realize, you know, you know what I mean? You're more You start looking how long this person live how do they live how did they die? Fuck is that going to happen to me you know that type of ship I don't know All right let's uh let's read a little fucking advertising here for the week

Oh Jesus Um Oh by the way I'm doing my first solo flight through uh bravo airspace So if you're still on the map If you're still on the Google Earth math I love looking at this shit right and you go on to, you go on to,

what do you do? You click it on the fucking globe there. All right. Now, go over to the ocean. Okay? Follow Santa Monica Boulevard over to the ocean. All right. Right where it says the 10.

Now go down a little bit and you'll see something that kind of looks like a tree but it's made out of water. That's Marina del Rey. all right now if you're flying south that's where bravo airspace begins along the coastline and when you're there you have to be at 150 feet or below at or below 150 and then you transition the bravo airspace if you go a little bit further south you'll see lax all right and that's to the south of it is 2 5 right and 2 5 left and to the north is 2 5 right 2 5 left those two runways and those are where the big boys are taken off so you fly underneath those guys or ladies and you stay

at or below um 150 feet until you get to and then you got to zoom in uh the manhattan beach pier and uh which is almost a beam as they say the uh comedy and magic club down on hormosa beach um so you want to be you want to be right down there, 150 fucking goddamn feet. Oh, wait a minute, wouldn't that be Homoosa? Yeah, I'm sorry, Hormosa Beach Pier is where the comedy club's at. But the Manhattan Beach Pier, that's where you want to be. You got to from there to Marina Del Rey, you've got to be at or below 150 feet. So if you come out here and you're on the beach, as a tourist, you see these helicopters flying by really low.

They're not buzzing the beach looking at you or whatever. they are they are transitioning to bravo airspace so i'm going to be doing that i don't know on one day but that's my big goal this week with the helicopter thing there um but anyways let's get back to the uh let's get back to the podcast here um where is it what else did i want to talk about oh how about those boston bruns now i know we lost i know we lost to uh the red wings i didn't get to see the game yet. I have it taped. I'm a game behind. I watched, I'm actually a game in two-thirds behind. I watched the first quarter of us beating the wild. And Brad Marchand scored again, his 12th goal in 12 games. And I actually looked up the ticker. And I saw

that he scored his 13th fucking goal. And in 13 games, the guy's on fire. And I saw his goal in the the Minnesota Wild Game, a short-handed goal, just a beautiful pass. And, uh, I don't know, it's fucking awesome, man.

He's gonna have, he's on his way, he's gonna have like 40 goals this fucking year. Um, and I gotta say, just the Bruins and the Celtics this year, both of them, I was just going to be like,

this is, you know, after all the moves they made, you know, I just kind of felt that neither one was going to be that competitive. And it was going to be tough to watch them this year. And, uh,

I am. I think they're both overachieving. It's been fun to watch them. Although for some reason, my fucking recorder stopped taping the Celtics games. I was really getting into it, watching Isaiah Thomas and Crowder, Jay Crowder, and who's the jam band guy? I finally learned his fucking name there. Kelly Olinick, right? I was enjoying watching it.

And our young coach there, who I still don't know his fucking name because I always taped the games and they talk to him and I just fast forward through all of that shit. And then they just show him. I think his name's Stan, Stephen, something with an S. Sean. I don't know. He looks like a baby, man. The guy's like 15 years younger than me.

He's coaching the Celtics. He's doing a great job. And evidently, we got a couple of number one draft picks. We're in a great fucking position. I missed the All-Star weekend stuff. I saw some of the dunking stuff. And Kevin Hart, did anybody see Kevin Hart? He went up against some other NBA guy.

I can tell I don't watch fucking NBA. He went up against a professional basketball player in a three-point contest. Should I give you a spoiler alert or should I do the clickbait? And the results will surprise you. That gives a fuck. He actually beat the guy. And what I loved about it, besides being a big fan of his stuff and everything, was when he went to start shooting his three-pointers,

they were playing disrespectful music underneath them. They were playing this, oh, isn't this, oh, it's adorable. Or isn't it silly that this little man is going to come out here and try and beat one of our professional athletes? And they were right through the first two racks. And then he fucking closed strong. And I think he might have beat him on the last ball. You've got to see it, Matt. I mean, it's pretty fucking impressive.

If I remember correctly, a long time ago, he was telling me that, before he was a comedian, he went to a, you know, he went to a basketball camp that had a young, unknown Kobe Bryant and that type of shit. So, um, but still, man, you know, it was a long fucking time ago. Since then, he's gone all the way to selling out the Eagles football stadium doing stand-up comedy. You'd think that his basketball game would drop off a little bit that maybe he'd be a little rusty at the Y.

Forget about being able to beat a fucking NBA player in a three-point contest. It was pretty goddamn impressive. So anyway, so let me get back. Jesus Christ. Wyoming. Chey and Wyoming. So I go there and, you know, this was the last of the 50 that I had to do. So, of course, I'm reading all up on Wyoming and all that type of stuff.

And I see that Yellowstone Park is right in the northwest corner of it. I'm like, well, fuck, I got to go up there and go do a gig in the middle of nowhere at some point. And maybe I'll do a nice. run through Montana, Idaho and all that shit, the Dakoters. You know, I get into all that fucking nerdy shit, right? So we do the gig, we have a great time. I take some pictures with some people afterwards. And when I was on stage, I was saying, hey, where should we go tonight if I want to go out and have a pot?

Right. So, of course, everybody's yelling out everything at the same time, and I can't hear anything. So I'm like, one at a time, one at a time. And then just in the back, this guy yells out, the green door. said to go to the green door and then the whole crowd just goes, ah, like, you know, don't go there. And I was like, I was like, I didn't even need you guys to say that. The green door just sounds like some creepy serial killer place.

So I go, I'm not fucking going there. So then somebody said, I forget the fuck it was called, the Cadillac Lounge or something. I took a picture of it. So I, I decide, you know, all right, that's where the fuck will go. We'll go over to this thing. I'm actually looking up the picture right now on my phone here. Come on, come on, where is it? Where is it?

There it is. The Cadillac Ranch, sorry. So we go in there. You know, there's a big American flag lit up on the side. I'm like, all right, here we go. Let's fucking go in there and see what this place is about. And we went in there. And I got to tell you, man, it was the most diverse group of fucking people.

ever seen in my life. And I think for the simple fact, there was no other place to go. So there was like a group of bikers. There was soldiers. There was like ranchers. There was a group of lesbians. And then there was just filler people that you couldn't really tell what the fuck they were.

They was older, younger, the whole fucking thing. So we're in there like, wow, man. This is fucking, this is nuts. And then it had a real like cowboy kind of feel to it. Yet there was like a fucking DJ playing like modern music. It was this. It was fucked. So we're in there.

And Dean, for whatever fucking reason, is just pointing at shit and people going, look at that fucking guy. Look at this shit. Look at this fucking bar. And I'm sitting there going, Dean, stop pointing it shit. Stop pointing it shit. You know, Dean's been sober for like 20 fucking years. So he's got no excuse.

He just kept pointing it shit. And then finally, you know, I had a, you know, I was talking to, a couple of the people in there. I was talking this guy that was in the middle of taking a two-year welding class, which, of course, was really interesting to me. I was talking about that shit. I was talking to some other people. And then at one point somebody said, hey, you want a whiskey.

So like my thing now when I go on the road and I drink, I have a beer and a whiskey or a scotch. And then that's it. I call it a fucking night. And it's been working out great for me. You know what I mean? So I have a nice little taste, but then I don't get hammered. And then I'm fine the next morning. and I can work out and shit, right?

So this guy offers, you know, he comes over, hey, you know, I got to buy a drink. I said, well, I'm just getting a beer. And I said, all right, well, you know, I was going to get a whiskey too. He goes, what do you want? He goes, we got a local fucking Wyoming whiskey. I was like, all right, when in Cheyenne? Let's fucking do it, right?

So he gets me this fucking shot and he brings it over. And it looked, it was almost like see-through. Now, I don't know if they did whiskey and water or what, but I fucking took a sip of it and I had no bite or anything. I was just looking at him like, dude, what the fuck is? And he goes, he goes, well, it hasn't been aged at all. I got to tell you, dude, it was the worst whiskey I've ever had. And my apology to the person who bought me this shot, I couldn't finish it.

I said, Dean, I go, look at this fucking thing. And Dean was just like, yeah, dude, that looks like piss. So, and at that point, I wasn't looking, but Dean was saying that the biker people were mean mugging everybody. And he goes, dude, let's get the fuck out of here. So we get out of there. and oh as we were driving over there i noticed that there was a drive there was a liquor store with a drive-thru so it was like oh god i got to get a picture of that so i get it i pull over i get a picture of it and then i'm just like dude i got to do it i got to go to a drive-thru liquor

store so i fucking pull up we actually i posted video of this and i just wanted to get one beer and the guy goes well i can give you like the 24 ounce so i got like a bud wiser um i'll repost the video on the Monday morning podcast Twitter page. So I went up, I ordered a fucking beer. And what was really cool was it had the old fucking, remember the old air hoses when you would pull up at the gas station? And it would ring the bell like, ding, ding, as your car pulled in. It was so fucking cool.

And we were sitting there, and then this dude just sort of walked into the place or whatever. And as we drive out, there's an Arby's across the street, which I never fucking eat. you know, fucking fast food roast roast beef. I mean, I like to think I'm a courageous person, but that's just a little, that gets a little too shady for me, right? I'd rather eat the pink slime. So anyways, uh, Del Rey's going like, hey man, it goes, let's hit the Arby's.

I'm hungry. So I go, all right. So we go into the Arby's, right? He ordered some shit. And I ordered like some chicken sliders, which I shouldn't have fucking got. They were fucking disgusting. It was like eating the heel of some chicks fucking. boot, you know, just the way they were shaped, like clogs.

They were just fucking gross. So we go around to the drive-thru, and this is right across from the drive-thru liquor store. And I look across the street, and I read the sign, and what does it say? It says the green door. So the drive-thru liquor store is part of this shady fucking titty bar called the green door that urban legend said that there was a one-legged stripper in. Now the younger me would have been like

I got to go in and go see that shit The older me goes like oh my god That's somebody's daughter So so technically I kind of did go to the green door I didn't I didn't go in there I just fucking pulled up or whatever So I'll post some pictures of that shit

Let me see if I actually took them So And then the next day we got up right And we wanted to go to some local place To get a To get breakfast And we went to this local place And I don't know if the regular

chef was out of town. But I ordered eggs over easy and I cut into them, dude. They were so undercooked like it came out clear. Like the white part of the egg was still clear. Like, you know when those people drink like egg whites? It was like that.

And so Dean's eggs were the same way. And I just never sent food back. So I just stirred him in with the fucking hash. I mean, they should have just served the eggs in a glass like fucking Rocky Balboa and I just suck it down. And I noticed the woman diagonally from me she sent her eggs back too and then in the end when i went to uh i went to pay she was just

like how was it and when i said it was great i kind of stumbled i when it was great and then she goes and then she immediately looked up she goes was everything okay was everything okay so i'm just guessing that the the normal chef was out of town so i'm not going to out this place as being a is being something bad but uh it was pretty rough it was It was one of the worst breakfasts I've ever had. But when we came back down, we were driving down to Denver. I really feel like a little kid right now. Like I'm just telling you every moment of this fucking, this tour.

But Dean's a big motorcycle guy. It's been riding for 30 years. So they had this huge fucking Harley Davidson dealership right on the 25 as we were coming down. So we stopped in. And I didn't know, but Harley has a new bike that's just right out of my childhood. It's called the 72. And it's got the big. front wheel. It's got the handlebars. It's like fucking Arthur Fonzarelli's bike, which obviously

was fucking from the 50s or whatever. But I haven't ridden in like a year and a half. And I don't know, man. I think I got to ride that bike. I think I'm going to rent it just one day. There's a park up around where I'm at. Rent it on like a Sunday and just go up there in the morning time and just fucking ride it around and bring it back. I'm too much of a pussy to ride all the time. because, you know, I got too much to fucking lose. And, oh, my God, they had one in this black and gold metal flake. It was fucking gold. It was just perfect, man.

As much as I love the Road King, like every wannabe motorcycle rider who watched a couple episodes of whatever that fucking show was. What was that fucking show there that everybody watched about the bikes? You know, like every fucking wannabe badass, who, doesn't have a tattoo and it's not a motorcycle guy. Like, Del Rey took a picture of me on the fucking 72 and I just started laughing. I was like, how much, how much am I not a motorcycle guy? Like, do you realize of what a fucking nerd you have to look like to sit on a Harley and

still look like a fucking, to still look like somebody you could bully? I look like every fucking just white dude having a midlife crisis that like, you know, who watched it. What is that fucking show? What is the fucking show that was all about the motorcycles that everybody watched? I never got into it. God damn it.

It's the perfect reference for this shit. But anyways, I might have to rent one coming up. I might go ride a dirt bike and get my fucking skills back up to the ridiculously low level that they were. I just go to a local park out here and I just drive this loop around. and around and around. It's actually good because there's a lot of downshift in that shit,

a lot of turns. You got to look your way through all this shit that I learned in the safety course and everything. But like I told you guys, one time when I rode a motorcycle down sunset all the way out to the beach, just like I wanted to, just thinking, this is going to feel, you know, freedom, man, America, right? I was going to see all this shit, dude. I didn't see shit. I was fucking terrified. There was just too many fucking people.

And, you know, we went later than I wanted to go. I rode with Dean and Dean, you know, I had done spots so he didn't get up to like 10, so we didn't get on the road to like 11. And I wanted to go at like 7 in the fucking morning when there was nobody on the road and really just be able to relax a little bit and not have somebody right behind me. And I just remember getting off the bike and I was like shaking. And I was just like, I had to have that fucking get out of your ego moment and just be like, Bill, this isn't in you.

You don't have this in your blood. You're not a motorcycle fucking guy. You're just not. So don't be that shithead. And I immediately sold the bike or got rid of it. Whatever the fuck I did. I don't even remember. But I don't know.

I think every once in a while, if you know, I smoke a couple of cigars a month. I got that under control. If every once in a while I run a motorcycle, and I know everybody's going to fucking be like, oh, that's actually more dangerous because you're going to be fucking rusty. All right. Taking all the fun out of everything. All right.

Oh, also. this week I got back into like drinking juices and shit and there was this fucking algae shit which was disgusting when I drank it but I felt amazing afterwards and I'm trying to

you know like Dean said you know it's a good addiction to have like you get addicted to shit I realize that and if you're addicted to like working out good stuff that's obviously a much better thing for you so I might try to get back into

that type of stuff. But anyways, this past weekend on Saturday night, when I got back, I went to a this music cares event. And every

year they honor somebody. And whoever they're honoring, everybody comes out and just does this person's music. So say they were honoring ACDC. A bunch of famous fucking musicians that are into ACDC would come out. and do all their songs and switch them up and do different versions of them.

So it was Lionel Richie, right? Oh, what a feeling, right? So I go to this fucking thing and it was unreal. It was like Lenny Kraviss Usher, who I couldn't believe how small he was. He fucking crushed it. John Legend, Stevie Wonder. All right, all these monsters. And then Stevie Wonder.

And I knew Dave Grohl was going to go on. And I'm like, how to fuck is Dave Grohl going to follow us? Is he going to play drums and sing? Is he going to come out with his blue guitar and sing? And he just went up and just sang a song. That was it. He told this fucking story about, you know, when he broke his leg. Remember he fell off the stage?

Well, he broke his leg. He was talking about all the outpouring from the fans and all that. And then one day he just got this giant fucking basket of muffins. The biggest basket, I guess, ever, this fucking giant thing. And there was no note or anything. on it. And as he's telling this story, the band's sort of just playing, you know, some music underneath it. And he's telling this story. He's got people laughing, but they're listening and all that shit. And then like two days later, I guess he got a, he got a call from his manager

who said, yeah, Lionel Richie's, Lionel Richie just called up to see if you got the fucking giant basket of muffins. And then he just goes, so I just, you know, I forget how we fucking ended the story. I'm butchering it now. Right as he ends the story and you realize that it was Lionel Richie, they kick into that his song, You Are.

And Dave Grohl just crushed it. You know that song, You are the something, you are the rain. And he just was up there singing it. Fucking crushed it. Went on after Stevie Wonder and crushed it.

So I got to do that. You know, it was funny. It was, uh, I went down there and, you know, I'm not a suit guy, but you had to wear like a shirt and tie dude. And I swear to God, like, I don't know. Just like me when I was on the motorcycle, when I had on that suit and tie dude, I don't know what it was. Sometimes I look all right. But the thing about suits is if you, you got to buy them.

Like, they go out of style really quick. And this one was like three, four years old. I just gotten it dry clean to some show the last time I wore it. And I put this fucking thing on. And I was talking to Nia. I was like, and I just kept going. I looked like an asshole, right? She's like, no, you look fine.

I got, yeah, I don't think so. I look like an asshole. So the whole fucking night, you know, anytime I would walk into the bathroom, you know, it was a long fucking night. It was like a four-hour fucking thing, you know. And anytime I would go in there and I would wash my hands and I would just sit there and I would look at myself in the mirror. I just kept laughing.

What a fucking jerk off I look like. I don't know. It wasn't a good scene. You know? I don't like hating myself. It's not a good place for me to be. I like to say. I think it's time to retire that suit.

All right. Let's get into some of the fucking questions here for the week. Here we go. Judge Scalia. Bill, listener from Virginia here. The death of Judge Scalia brought out some jokes on social media and a lot of people took the angle that they were happy that he died. Now, I'm assuming this is somebody on the Supreme Court because I don't pay attention to shit, but I did see some stuff about this is the

first time the Supreme Court won't be conservative. He goes, what's your position on making jokes about being happy people died? Thanks for that laughs. I think you mean thank you. Thanks for the laughs. My position on joke about, well, yeah, I think you got to be, uh, I think you got to be like a dictator for people to do shit like that. Yeah, I, I mean, I wouldn't say don't do it because there's always a joke. I mean, someday when I die, there's going to be a joke. I mean, I'm, I know, and if I'm hovering around as a ghost, I'm going to laugh about it. What the fuck do I care? I'm a ghost at that point, right? I didn't go to hell. All right. I'm floating around. I can deal with this.

But yeah, I don't do that. Um, um, Well, look, if you just make a joke, joke, that's fine. But if you're doing it because you didn't share, like, their political views, yeah, I'm not into doing that type of shit. Like, you know, some shithead. I'm going to start doing this, like the shithead tweet of the week. Somebody sent me a text today telling me that I needed to distance myself. Bill, just to let you know, you need to distance yourself from so-and-so.

And then sent me a link. And this is somebody that I've been friends with for 20 fucking. years. And then I see this link, and it has to do with being a vegetarian or eating meat. And the name of the video is so-and-so is an ignorant moron, which right there, I love like that's your angle, like to get someone to listen to your opinion. Right there, I just look at it like, this is just somebody trying to make a name for themselves, trashing somebody that has made a name for themselves, you know, with some over-the-top title. first of all i love is an ignorant moron like that's like redundant you know he's a stupid not smart

person um like i need to distance myself from from someone who's been a great friend for 20 years because of their dietary decisions you know because they talk about food and nutrition in a way that's a truth that they believe in all this you know like and then and then what you're a fucking genius. You know, and it's just, you know, I don't know. I don't know why people do shit like that. So that kind of ties into, you know, I would never obviously, you know, I don't know, I would never tweet at somebody like that.

You need to distance yourself from this person because I don't agree with their workout regimen. And the same thing with like that, like I wouldn't be happy that somebody died because I didn't like their political views. You know what I mean? I always have that in my head. They had somebody's dead. somebody's husband or some shit, you know, whatever.

If he was a gay judge, that's somebody's boyfriend, right? I don't fucking know. Yeah, I don't do shit like that. But if somebody does, you know, I'm not the comedy fucking police. All right, summer home. Bill, my wife wants to own a home by a lake in New Hampshire. That's fucking awesome. I'm trying to convince her that it's cheaper to just rent a sick house every summer

for a couple of weeks instead of paying 15 grand. a year in taxes on top of the mortgage. Help me sort out this business, please. Go fuck yourself. Well, what I would say is, you know, you can rent out your house, your summer house, you know? This is what I would do. Okay, I would buy that house on the lake and then I would just rent the whole fucking

thing out. And then whenever I wanted to go, I would rent some other place. You know what I mean? And this is how I'm weird, because I wouldn't want to go into a place that I owned, knowing that everybody fucked in my bed. I would rather go to a place knowing that a bunch of people fucked in somebody else's bed. It makes no sense. What you should do is buy it and then rent it out.

I mean, buying property is always great. However, if you're having a rough time, like, I'm a big believer in though, paying down your first house. you should really pay that thing down and get it under control before you go and get a summer house. And I do know that in relationships, when it comes to money, there's usually one person understands it and the other person doesn't understand it. And they want everything yesterday and you might be a little more conservative, which is what you sound like. So, you know, I would just sit down and just say, look, first of all, you're in a great position. because it doesn't sound like she can just go out and pull the trigger herself. So I just say, listen, I definitely want to do that.

But we need to pay down this house a little bit. Or, you know, if we can't afford it, let's buy it, and then we'll rent the thing out all the weekends that we're not going to be there. I think that's definitely a smart way to do it. But I would just sit down and write out all the points that you want to make. and then draw a smiley face. This is what I do when I'm being a smart person, because I know how short a fuse I have.

And I write all this shit out, everything that I want to say and all that stuff, and then I draw a smiley face reminding me to not lose my temper, reminding me that other people are entitled to have different opinions and not to be a cunt. I didn't do that a couple days ago and ended up having a big stupid fight

over the bathroom sink. You know, I'd gone on the road and it started to clog up and I didn't have time to fucking fix it. But, you know, we had drain up. So I figured, you know, my wife would fucking handle it. And I come home to brush my teeth and I turn it on. And within fucking two seconds, it's already filling up. There's a puddle.

It's completely backed up. And, you know, it's usual shit. usual shit in a relationship. You say to somebody else, did you know, no, I didn't notice. And in your head, you're like, how to fuck did you not notice this shit? But what I learned in that argument is I have to understand that there's shit that she's looking at me at about like, how to fuck do you not notice it? It's just because I'm just not wired like that.

And that's why you get married. Hopefully you're a yin and a yang. I finally said it right. I didn't say ying and yang. I said yin. I think that's the first time publicly I've ever seen. said it right. Yeah, they're going to be good at the shit that you're not good at. And I actually had a great day with Nia yesterday. Like, I didn't do shit for once. And we just hung out all day.

And, you know, we watched some movies and shit. You made a little bit of food. And I always forget that. That every once in a while, you guys, you got to hang out with each other rather than just being roommates to remind yourselves like, oh, yeah. That's right. We actually really love each other. I forgot about that shit. And the amount of times I've had to fucking learn that. You know, if you get married, you really start doing the math. Like, dude, fuck this shit. I don't need anything.

I will literally give her everything. I will fucking just give you fucking everything. And I will walk out with the shirt on my fucking back and I will start all over again. Like, I think that that's the way to fucking do it. And just walk down the street. after it like Johnny fucking apple seed. And, because I really think you just get into having all of this fucking stuff.

But if you just let go of all of it, then you don't have it. I think getting divorced could be a really light feeling. This is how far I went over an argument over a clogged up sink before I came to my census. I was walking down the street with a stick with a bandana and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in it. And I was just finally like, what am I doing? You know? Stop being a fucking idiot.

All right, let's get to some advertising here. All right, me, undies, everybody. Oh, gee, I got to sing this quietly because we have company over here right now. Bo-Doo, boop, boo. All right, trash man, everybody. A, Billy Bubbles. Billy Bubbles in the rain. I went to high school with a guy who picks up my trash.

I get along with them, and I always wave, and sometimes if he's not rushing, I'll have a short conversation with him. Last week, I saw my neighbor yell at him. He wasn't a jerk back. but he wasn't a dick either. What? He wasn't a jerkback, but he wasn't a dick either? Later on that day, my neighbor came over and asked me if I'd make a statement about the issue that he harassed her.

I saw the whole thing go down. He didn't harass her. She yelled at him for coming a day late during a week when a holiday pushed everything back a day in terms of sanitation pickup. What a cunt. She said that even without my statement, And she's going to press charges and file a complaint.

I'm going to call the town or police and let them know what's going on. I'm so livid that she would ruin this guy's life. He's a great dude. Thoughts on how he should handle this. Should I report her for lying? Abs of fucking luteley. And I would take time off from work to testify that she's a lying whore. Abs of fucking lutele.

Who the fuck yells at a trash man? The service that they're providing, fuck her. Fuck her, dude. You know something? I would 100% do it and I would even fucking tell her that you're going to do it at some point not in the beginning because you don't want to

weaken his case but I would do it without a doubt and when the whole fucking thing goes away I would let her know that you did that and I would let her know what a small person you think she is and that she's disgusting and to stay away from you and anybody else that you love because she's subhuman

there how was that dilemma dear Bill oh what a fuck and whore. You came a day late. Then you harassed me. You know what? You know what I bet she does for a living? She sounds like a blogger. Always playing the fucking victim and always going down and just trying to get somebody in trouble and try and fuck over their ability, you know, to earn a living. What a fucking twat.

All right. Dear Bill, would you rather have to live in an air balloon for a month, never having set down or would you rather live in a submarine, never breathing the surface for a whole month? Both scare the shit out of me for a whole month, but I think I'd choose the submarine. Seems more natural. Yeah, and there's also a bathroom. I wouldn't want to have to shit on people. And pee, well, I would obviously wait till I was over a rural area. Yeah, plus you'd be inside. You'd have a bed. If you, when you're in the submarine, you have a blanket. you know you get to be down there with all the fellas hey um no man i mean i think it would be cool to fucking look out the window and see all the fucking uh the sea life and all that shit i would go

fucking nuts down there but um i don't know fucking up there in an air balloon gets cold or hot you're really dealing with the fucking elements when you're up there it starts fucking raining Yeah, I don't know. I would be, I would get over that really quickly. But I think being in a sub, you know, you're down there. You can play cards. You could fucking break each other's balls or whatever. I don't know.

Yeah, I would think I would much rather do with sub. And if I had to die either way, I'd rather die in a sub. I'd rather have it just fucking, you know, if you're going to die in a sub, that's going to be quick. You know? It's just over, right? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes maybe it might not be quick.

They close that door. Yeah, those are two terrifying things. I got to go with you. Got to go with you on that. All right, dilemma. Billy boy. If you had to choose which holiday to get canceled and never celebrate again, would you choose Valentine's Day or President's Day?

Who deserves more recognition? Your girl for doing what you do all year without a holiday? That's hilarious. Yeah, we don't get a holiday. Or maybe I read that wrong. Or presidents who may or may not be horrible people who hurt the country. I'd cancel President's Day because I'd rather keep the one that involved chocolate being around. That's a good reason for it.

If I had to get rid of one. I don't think anybody really celebrates President's Day. I don't really consider it a day off. It's kind of like Flag Day. You know what I mean? Or Buttermilk Pancakes Day. Isn't there one of those fucking days too? Jesus, you want me to cancel a holiday?

I wouldn't cancel Valentine's Day just because women like it so much. Believe it or not, I am a cunt, but I'm not that fucking bad. So I'd keep that one. Yeah, you know what? Fuck President's Day. All those guys are bought and sold anyways. You've seen it with Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. You've seen how the Democrats are just going to pick her because she's going to play ball.

They're all tied into the fucking, I don't know what you want. want to call it. Bernie Sanders is too fucking radical. He's going to switch shit up too much, and then they're not going to work with them. Even if Bernie Sanders gets fucking elected, they're not going to work with them. They're going to show their fucking true colors. They're just a bunch of, they're all bought and paid for it.

How do you that Clinton's got $3 million to throw their kid a wedding? You know what I mean? Let me a fucking break. Because you went out and you gave speeches to all the people that fucking, financed your campaign and then you hooked them up and looked the other fucking fucking fucking way i swear to god i swear to god do you wonder how the fucking pharmaceutical companies and the people who fucked up the food supply are able to do it and there's nothing behind it's because they fucking paid everybody off i swear to god all right i'm on my i'm on my

this is why i always vote for that third party guy and everybody goes oh you're throwing away your fucking vote how is throwing away my fucking vote voting for somebody who's a decent fucking human being i swear to god people they they don't want to try to do what's really right they just want to win they want to be like oh my guy won oh i'm on my stump again see that every time i sit there and i trash people for fucking giving their public opinion then look me look at me i do the exact same thing i am what's known as a hypocrite a hippocunt um all right that's the uh the podcast for this week um i want to thank everybody that came out shy in wyoming uh i know it was last second but uh i had a great time had a great time in your uh

Your state capital. It was just a really, really cool fucking town. And I had a great time in the Cadillac Ranch there. That sounds, I swear to God, like the fucking Bunny Ranch. It sounds like a fucking whorehouse, but it wasn't. It was cool talking to the people there. And thank you to everybody that bought me a beer and a shot and all that shit. Thank you, everybody in Denver, by the way, which was just a fucking insane show.

That was another special one just because I've done so many fucking. gigs in Colorado in the middle of nowhere. I always bring up Arapahoe Community College. I'll never forget that Nooner where they had me standing in an area where three hallways met right before class ended. That was a fucking nightmare next to a popcorn machine and five people scattered out about 40 chairs, empty chairs. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week.

I'm going to try to watch some Celtics and get caught up on the Bruins games and keep drinking my juice. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you later on this week.