Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-17-22

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

Bill rambles about being shamed, West Side Story, and being a gingered snowman. SoloStove: Shop now and get up to 30% off fire pits all month long, AND use promo code BURR at checkout to get an extra $10 off.  Plus a lifetime warranty and FREE 30-day returns. Go to solostove.com Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at HelixSleep.com/burr

Hey, what's going on everybody? What is going on? You know, so many times in life you ask that question, but do you really mean it? What's going on? How are ya? I am, uh, this is Bill Burr, and this is the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast recorded on a Wednesday, just to see how you guys are doing. How's it going? How's it going in your life? Are you taking care of yourselves? What are you doing right now? You're sitting on a plane, huh? You're driving to work. You're dragging your ass to the gym. God, I don't want to fucking do this anymore. There's only one time a man likes going to the gym, and that's when he's working out his upper body. That is the only time. If you can get the

pecs, and the fucking decks, and the chest, and all of your chesticles, and your fucking biceps going, I love those gym days. Cardio days, leg days. The only part of leg day I like is that you get to sit down on all the machines. I'm too old to be doing stand-in squats and all of that shit. What am I, what do I got, a fucking NFL combine coming up? I love seeing these people putting like crazy amounts of weight, crazy amounts of weight doing fucking squats, and every time they go down, I'm like, his fucking knees are just going to ... It's not going to be good when you get to be my age people. It's like you're doing neutral drops with your fucking body. Does that even exist anymore? Does anybody

remember a neutral drop? Is it all just an electric car now? I saw a guy go buy me yesterday on a fucking electric motorcycle. It was impressive. Although I kind of feel like all the skill of riding a motorcycle was being able to shift and downshift and making the engine work for you. I just wonder with those things, how if you're going too fast into a turn and you don't want to touch your brakes because you feel like you're going to go down, you could usually downshift and let the engine slow down the bike. How does that work? How does downshifting work? When we return, electric bicycles, electric motorcycles, sorry, it's good for the environment, but bad for humans? Anyway, did I mention I saw that movie, Don't

Look Up? I really enjoyed that movie. Slash felt they were making fun of me. Slash felt I was one of the aware people. I kind of felt like I was everybody in that movie. Magnificent performance. You should check it out. I believe it's on Netflix. What the fuck did I want to talk to you about? Oh, you know what? I'm off the cigars. God damn it, that last email shamed me. The shitter get off the pot. That's all I need. All I need is a little bit of shame and know that more than one person is noticing this and just the embarrassment of it. I can just walk away from them. So here I sit. I smoke my last, I can't say one, I smoke three on Super Bowl Sunday, but two of them were nubs. So I count that as one

cigar. So I smoke two cigars on Sunday. It is now Wednesday. Okay. And all I need to do is go another seven days and then I'll be 10 days in and then I don't think about them anymore. Then I should be good. Then I should be good for the final time. We have a little humidor down at the, uh, one of these places around the corner there and I'm just going to grab my last little fistful of them, put them in there, walk the fuck away. I've decided I started playing guitar again. Um, I'll do that instead. You know, instead of sitting and being, you know, against the wall at a party, you know, what if I got off that wall and picked up a guitar and all suddenly became the life of the party, the focal point? Hey,

Bill, do you know any Peter, Paul and Mary? Like a bridge over troubled water fucking stairway to heaven. You know, I just realized I'm so old now. If I played popular songs from my childhood, young people would be looking at me like I showed, like who's the old guy at the party. And it'd be like if I picked up like a clarinet and started playing like Benny Goodman, boo boo boo boo boo boo. Come on, kids, but here comes the drop. I love you. I literally think that like, I think that that has now become, because I saw it like, you know, I started watching some guitar videos. Actually found one that has a really cool exercise, a couple of exercises, guitar theory and all that. So like the fretboard actually

makes sense. I'm like, wow, I never did this. I just always played by ear, which I think is a good thing to a point. Like I'm a big believer you should, you should have as many fucking, you know, clubs in the bag as humanly possible. You got your drivers, you get your irons, you get your putters, right? You're playing from your heart and soul. But every once in a while, you need to go between your ears to figure out why some shit isn't working out. You know, don't do that, man. Don't be thinking when you're playing, man. Well, you don't think when you're playing, man, you sit down and you learn the stuff and then you let it go and then just let it naturally work in. But isn't that it's kind of like

thinking, man? I don't want to be thinking, man. I don't want to be thinking when I'm playing, man. I just want to be feeling, man. Isn't it really you went to school and got your ass kicked. So anytime you see a piece of paper with information on it, it takes you back to that little boy that knew he was going back to summer school. Just baby step your way in. You know, I think it's high time that musicians learn how to read music again. You know, some of the greatest musicians out there could not read a lick of music, a note of music. Oh, really? Well, I've been on YouTube also. Okay. You mean the geniuses? Genieses? Genieses?

Genieses? I don't know. If I can do anything in the last third of my life, I would like to bring the oboe back into fucking popular culture. You know, when was the last time? I think that's why guitar fell out of favor. Everybody just fucking played the thing and there were just no riffs left. You know, what the fuck were you supposed to do? I mean, well, there's the oboe, you know, like the fat chick on prom night like, Hey, pick me, you know, I'll go home with somebody. I got a hell of a personality. You know, I've actually learned how to interact with other people because I wasn't, you know, blessed with what society, the standards of

society's beauty, beauty. Oh, man, I'll tell you, oh, Jesus. Last night. Was it last night? I don't even remember anymore. Oh, man, just these two fucking. I got to get the lovely Nia on here at some point. At some point, the lovely Nia, we got to have our two different takes on what we saw last night. We had a great meal. We went out to celebrate Valentine's Day celebrating our relationship. We do it, you know, usually on the 17th, 18th of some bullshit like that. The last thing you do is I've been saying for

years is you don't go out on the 14th. That is a rookie fucking move. It's like buying Christmas gifts before Christmas. You don't. You tell your children on Christmas morning that they were too naughty and Santa Claus doesn't love them anymore. And you let them cry for three days and you go out and take advantage of the post Christmas specials. And then you come home and say, guys, I know you're real sad because Santa Claus doesn't love you anymore, but guess who still loves you? Your dad, right? And then they love you and they're like, fuck Santa Claus, right? And it's a way to get yourself back into like a good standing with them. These are just ideas, people. You don't have to take all of them. What I do is I just, you know,

I nudge. I'm a nudger. I just sort of nudge you in a direction. And if, you know, you can take it, you can leave it. However, that fucking cliched. You're in a safe space. Speak goes. Anyway, I've been working my fucking ass off. You know, and I'm going to go run my hour this week. I got to run my hour. Why do this fucking acting gig? Oh, Billy fucking bills getting his fucking revenge body back. Although last night, you know, I did some damage. We took a couple of waves broadside last night, but, um, you know, I'm right back on it. I'm right back on it. Now, I mean, I'm like, like, I'm literally like, I don't drink now. I quit smoking. I don't do drugs. Unless I'm on vacation with my wife and my kids aren't there. And even then it's the happier ones.

You know, weed, mushrooms, fucking vaping, you know, smelling household products under the sink. You know, personally, I like the pine salt lemon fresh. If I'm going to huff, I really like that. You know, it gives me a high and it reminds me to clean the kitchen. And at that point I feel I have the energy, you know, you know, I think huffing, if it's done right, is that still a thing? I mean, Jesus Christ. The one good thing about huffing is like every kitchen becomes like an open bar. You know, you just dropping in like the wacky next door neighbor. Hey, how's it going? You know, pedophiles hang around schools. The huffers become plumbers so they can always be underneath the sink near the household products. You know, you just hear money there.

Anything all right under there? Yeah, man, almost got it fixed. Huffing. Jesus Christ. If there's any, can there be a greater sign that the world is such a painful place that people need to escape it? That you literally just like, hey, there's some bleach. Let me take a big fucking whiff of that. Wait, isn't that how you cure COVID? I don't know. I have so much misinformation in my head. Isn't that what you were supposed to do at some point? Did you take the bleach or the household cleaner and rub it on your skin like the clear where you could lie to yourself that you weren't on steroids? Yeah, I think that's what it was. I have no idea. But guess what? California is lifting the mask ban. LA is going to hang in there for a little while longer because we're more densely populated. But I can't wait for that day because I got to be honest with you.

Now that I got the vid or the COVID or whatever the cool kids, the DJs call it. Now that I've had it, I feel like invincible because I have the antibodies and I'm starting to act like those fucking anti-masker babies. I'm not wearing one into a store, man. I will never get over that. I will never get over what fucking babies so many adults acted like. And this is coming from somebody who's, you know, I mean, I'm all about childish behavior and not taking account for your own actions. Quarantine. No. Stay six feet apart. No. Wear a mask. No. Here's a vaccine. No. They all should have been wearing diapers. Whatever. But in the end, you know what's funny in the end is everybody like themselves will think that they did the right thing. I did the right thing. I listened to the news. I listened to, no, I listened to people who told me what was on the news and I did that.

And I'll tell you, I got away with it for a long time. Anyway, so, yeah, so I just, you know what sucks is I usually talk about what's going on in my life, but I can't talk about what's going on in my life professionally because, you know, when you do these acting gigs, you're not allowed to talk about anything. If you talk about anything, they fucking hunt you down, you know, and, and they put two in the back of your head. You ever seen that? What's what's the name of that, that Lee Ebb Shriver? You know, you come near my family, I'll fucking kill you. That show. You went to an audition and you were five minutes late. So the agent sent me out here to fucking kill you. What show is that? Hey, you were up near the Hollywood sign last night and one of the letters went out. So now I got to fucking kill you. Ray Donovan.

Ray Donovan. Hey, you got a prostitute last night and she died. So now I got to hide you. Oh, hang on a second. I got to fucking kill you. I am making fun of a show I've never watched. I'm just, I'm going based on, I'm sure it's fantastic. Okay, I'm just fucking around here, people, because I cannot, you know, I can't talk about what's going on in my life and then I got to wait till my wife is on the, my wha, I have to wait till she's on the podcast so that I can talk about, you know, what we encountered last night so we can get both of our, our takes on it. I will tell you this. I saw West Side Story. This is a Steven Spielberg version of it, the new one. It's fucking amazing. Did I tell you that? I saw that. Yeah. Maria, I just met a girl named Maria. All of these songs. I'm going to a fucking deli. All these songs that I heard through my life and I never knew, like comedians.

It was like, I never saw Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory. Never saw it. But I knew all the songs because I'd gone to comedy clubs and then all of a sudden, oh my God, the Oompa Lumpas. Oompa, loompa, loompa the day. I didn't know idea. And I also had no idea how what a fucking dark, they killed that fat kid. They drowned him in chocolate. Spoiler alert. I kind of loved it. I think that's what's wrong with this country. Man, can you imagine if that's how they thinned out the population? They just started putting those Hershey parks, you know, in every major city and all the fatties that showed up, right? It's like, they put like a chocolate Jesus above the chocolate pools. Everybody has to kneel down. And as you kneel down and rest your elbows on the low chocolate wall and you're on your knees and then everybody has to like baptize themselves by dunking their heads into the chocolate. And no drinking because Jesus will know if you drank, right? When they go to do that, the floor lifts up and just sends them over. And that's it. And then they all die their perfect death, right? Death by chocolate. Isn't that what they, those chocolate lovers love?

I'm sitting here acting like I don't love a dessert, that I don't bake. You know what I mean? That I didn't eat 46,000 ice cream sandwiches during the pandemic. I literally kept this fucking ice cream sandwich a lot like that company going. Like I bet in Southern California, like, I don't know what's going on out there, but our sales are fucking up 8%. If their sales were up 8% during the pandemic, I would say that I was at least 6% of that. I'm taking credit for 6% of that. I almost got to the point one night, I ate two of them and I just, I just couldn't, the shame I felt as I started to walk down the stairs, you know, in my pajamas. I'm a big pajamas guy. Once you have kids, you got to have pajamas on. I'm also a big believer that your children should never, ever see you naked, ever, ever. You know, you lock the bathroom door when you're taking a shower so they don't accidentally walk in. You lock the bathroom door when you're going to the bathroom. That's it. That's it. I am a non-entity when it comes to that shit.

That fucking hippy shit of like, yeah man, you know, it's the anatomy. Don't, don't fucking, you know, don't make it weird. I'm the one making it weird. I'm sitting over here with clothes on, always, always, always. That is it. That is a wrap. So anyway, so when you're going downstairs, out of everything I've said in the podcast, that's the one that is not a joke. I really believe that. Your kids should, should just never, I think it's okay with the mother or maybe not, that's not for the son. No, it's just bad. Bad. And what kills me is all of us as kids had that moment of, ah, right? Why would you do that? It's so easily avoided. You put on some pajamas. Why would you walk around naked? Anyway, so I was walking downstairs to get my second ice cream sandwich and my wife's going, where are you going?

Wait, don't do it. I'm just like, can you just leave me alone? All right. I'm fucking depressed. I lost all my road gigs for the year. You know, this is like the Pope of Greenwich Village. You know, what are you worried about, Charlie? You ain't got no job to wear a suit to. What'd you say? No, say what you just said. I just said, you know, why are you worried about your suit? You ain't got no job to wear it to. That was my shit when I was, why do I care about being in shape? I ain't got no fucking show to go do. Oh, and did I pay for the file? Man, I paid for it the next time I finally got on the scale six months later. You know, my wife had to rent one of those little baby cranes, you know, those little bobcat fucking front-end loader. She had one of those and I got into the bucket and she, she dropped me down onto the way. I believe it was a cattle scale.

And I was just freckled and fat and pasty and I just looked like a fucking, you know, a ginger snowman. I mean, I was a fucking mess, you know, and this is where I don't fall in line with today's generation. Because at that point, what I was supposed to do is look in the mirror and love myself and say that I was a hero and that there was no difference between me and those brave men that stormed the beaches of Normandy. You know, they fought the Nazis and fascism and I had some ice cream sandwiches and I really failed to see the difference, you know. In a lot of ways, I feel like I was braver because mine was a slower death. Oh God, someone will take that seriously. Are you trying to say that eating ice cream is not, is the same as storming the beaches of Normandy?

I'm the new comedy fan. What I like to do with comedy is take it literally, literally. I'll tell you, there is a world, you know, if we have another pandemic, right? If there's a new COVID, right? Because God knows Hollywood loves to reboot and I think the CIA is the same way. You know, like I think this was an experiment, this one. You know, they came up with the usual story. Somebody from another race fucked a monkey and, you know, and now we're all suffering.

So it gave enough mouth breathers, you know, something to hate, right? Or ate a monkey or some shit. And I think, I think that we passed the test for mass extinction that the people at the top want. But I don't have a problem with that either. I really don't. I don't have a problem with people at the top enact mass extinction on all of us because the reality is, is that they're the ones that kept us alive. You know, they're the ones that feed us. They're the ones that tell us what to think and we do it.

And I know you're listening and you probably think you're the guy thinking outside the box because you're on the Internet. You're talking to the real people. You're having the real truth conversations. I love when people think they're having truthful conversations on the Internet. Like I'm getting down to the truth of this and they're going to enact some sort of fucking change. While they discuss their plans publicly out in the open on the Internet. I mean, why would you do that? I mean, back in the day, you know, when people would have like military coups and shit, they didn't discuss it in public.

And that's what you're doing when you're on the fucking Internet. Oh, really, Bill? Is the Internet a public place for everyone? We didn't know that. Could you talk down to us more? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, I'm just a man on the other side of an ice cream sandwich addiction just trying to figure out how we can pick up the pieces of his life.

Anyway, by the way, on that fucking play with the Bengals got that, you know, with the Rams got that makeup call. I remember yelling false start. Some Bengals fan showed me the clip. I didn't realize it was that bad. The fucking Rams have the whole left side of their offensive line. Like three guys went all at the same time before the ball was snapped. The ref somehow missed that and then called a phantom holding call. I'll tell you, that's a rough one.

That is a rough one. I mean, I understand missing that face mask. That was the slickest fucking. It's like he tapped him on the shoulder. He looked the other way because he the way he moved his arm. It looked like he was just bringing in fast motion because nobody saw that in fast motion. Some do should be like, I saw it. I got a 70 inch fucking.

It's a fucking whatever they plasma. You didn't see it. Nobody saw it. And the ref wasn't in a position to see it. It was a slick veteran move. It was also cheating and they also got away with something there. So, but I'm just saying, I just, I'm not saying that the Rams didn't deserve a makeup call. They absolutely fucking did.

But it made it seem like they were like, this is the play we're doing it on. Because how do you miss 900 pounds of human beings fall starting at the same time as an NFL ref in the Super Bowl? I don't know. I don't want to start some shit, but that's what happened, man. We're romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties. Described as small, but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Cerellas along with all NS novelties.

Afterwards, slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerellas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Cerellas.com. Anyway. Oh, look who it is. Everybody's solo stove. You know, nothing, there's nothing quite like the feeling of gathering around a warm fire on a cool evening. What are you talking about? How about walking barefoot in your pajamas to go downstairs at two o'clock in the morning to get your second ice cream sandwich?

That's a hell of a feeling. Solo stove says they have a better feeling than that. I mean, if you're not buying a stove now, you're not an American. And a smokeless fire pit from solo stoves makes your outdoor moments even more memorable because instead of having to constantly dodge campfire fumes, you can sit back, relax and actually enjoy the fire. And right now you can get a great deal on a solo stove fire pit. Upgrade your backyard with a solo stove fire pit. Solo stove fire pits.

If you don't know what this is, it's a solo stove fire pit. Could they say that more times in the copy? Solo stove fire pits are brilliantly engineered. Made from premium grade 304 stainless steel. Not that 302 shit. 304 stainless steel and a 360 degree airflow system that maximizes efficiency while minimizing smoke. Easy to light with a few bits of stutter. Your fire is blazing in minutes.

Perfectly portable. Take solo stove with you on camping trips in Moa. Shop now and get up to 30% off fire pits all month long and use promo code BR at checkout to get an extra $10 off plus a lifetime warranty and free 30 day returns. Just go to solo stove S-O-L-O-S-T-O-V-E dot com. And remember, you get $10 off when you use the promo code BR. B-U-R-R. Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's Helix.

Why would you buy a mattress made for someone else? With Helix, you're getting a mattress that you know will be a perfect way, perfect for the way you sleep. Sorry, I'm reading text messages. I'm going to get a fucking FaceTime here in a second. And you know, everybody's unique. Doesn't mean you're special. It just means you don't look like somebody else. Everybody's unique and Helix knows that.

So they have several different mattress models to choose from. They have soft, medium and firm mattresses. Mattress great for cooling down. Cooling you down if you sleep hot. Gross. What do you got? A fucking murder in your past. Mattress is great for a spinal alignment.

I'd love that to prevent morning aches and pains and even a Helix plus mattress for plus size sleepers. The big boys like old freckles here with his fucking ice cream sandwich addiction. It wasn't even the eating the ice cream sandwich. It was the sound of the plastic opening it up. That's what I really would get excited. That was probably the height of my heart rate. Helix has been recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as a go-to solution for improving sleep. Wow.

Multiple leading chiropractors and doctors. I like how they slap chiropractors down just to remind them you're not a doctor. Just go to helixsleep.com slash bar. Take their two-minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. Helix even has financing options and flexible payment plans. So a great night's sleep is never far away. Helix is offering up to $200 off all orders, mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. One for your head, one for between your knees, you know, to keep your spine aligned.

And for our listeners at, wait, Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash bar. That's helixsleep.com, H-E-L-I-X, sleep.com slash bar for up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows. All right, you know what I want to do this summer? I'm not going to be able to do it because I'll be touring. You know what I really just want to do? I want to fucking, I want to go back to Massachusetts for the whole summer, you know? And I want to work local dates and I just want to go to fucking Red Sox games and hang out with my kids, you know? And get a steak and cheese and some crab rangoon and an ice cream sandwich.

I mean, can a man of a certain age do that and not smoke any, any cigars, right? And go down the cape and sit in traffic going over the Bourne Bridge. I need to do that again. You know, maybe get a lake house dude up in New Hampshire, fucking Lake Winnipewsaki dude, you know? Go up there, water ski and fucking jet ski. Watch out for the float rocks dude. I would like to do that. I get on the other side of this, this acting shit.

You know, I've done enough. Okay, I think I've worked enough. I need more Hawaiian shirts in my fucking wardrobe. You know, not saying I'm going to Hawaii. Alright, I'm just saying I want to be in situations where a wearing a Hawaiian shirt is not even noticed. You know, because I'm on a dock or I'm on a little boat, right? I'm just going for an old man walk, you know, with the dog the size of my prostate. Why can't I do that?

Is that asking too much as an American? I don't think it is. Alright, and with that, guess what we have coming up next? Guess what we have coming up next? We have the bet. Do we have the bet? Oh, the fucking football season's over. I don't even know if we do that anymore.

Maybe we'll do it for the March Madness. There might be some gambling talk here. There might not be. I usually do the intro and then I come back with and I'll be all right. That was the bet MGM segment with the great Paul Verzi. And now listen to some music picked out by the always wonderful Andrew Thamelis. And then we got a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. That is it.

That is the Thursday podcast. I hope you guys have a great weekend. I hope you guys have fun. Hope you enjoy one another. Don't take life for granted. And yeah, let's, you know, I feel like we're coming out of the pandemic. COVID's just a cold now, right? It's finally just a cold and a sore throat, I believe.

At least that was my experience with it. That was my fucking experience today. Shut up. Shut up. Colds don't kill fucking half a million goddamn people. All right. Whoever made many fucking people, how many people died of COVID? Let's look that up here for a second.

Let's see here. All right. How many people died from COVID worldwide? What do you guys say? I say 1.2 million. And the number is 5.84 million. Oh, I was way under. Looks like I'm not winning the death showcase showdown.

There was 450, 15 million cases of it. And 5.84 million of those people died. Now, let's see. How many people died from the common cold worldwide? Up to 650,000 people die of respiratory diseases. That's not it. Can you die from the common cold? Disease Bureau, climate change indicated.

I don't know. You know what? I think if you sneezed really hard and you were near some Formica and you hit your head, maybe, and then you came back and hit the back of your head and then fell down a flight of stairs. And I don't know. And then rolled into a pit of fucking murderers. Maybe then you could die.

I don't know how it fucking works. That's the podcast, everybody. If you're sitting here thinking, what did I just listen to? I didn't learn a fucking thing. That was a complete waste of time. That is the entire purpose of this podcast. And I feel like I've reached my goal. All right, that's it.

I'll talk to you guys later. Have a great weekend. Thanks. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, February 17, 2014. How's it going? How are you?

Are you enjoying this podcast so far? I'll tell you, if you're listening to it on Monday, Monday the 17th, I am actually in the fucking air. That's why the podcast is out as you guys like to think early or on time, I should say. It's early in my world. All right. It's early.

Yeah. I'm on my way back to the East Coast to do a wonderful run of shows starting Tuesday night with the second annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit. All money after the expenses, of course. We do have to rent the place out. After we pay back for renting out the fucking bar. Yeah, all monies goes to basically all the people that

were in Patrice's life that he was supporting. His mom, his wife and stepdaughter and all that stuff. So it's a wonderful thing. If you didn't get tickets, we're going to do it again next year. We're going to do it every year. And I know a lot of people are like, why don't you have a fucking donation button online? Because I'm learning about this shit.

I'm learning. Eventually every year it'll get bigger. Maybe we can do two shows one year. I don't know. I'm new to the benefit thing. I hope I don't have to do another benefit for anybody else that I know and love. All right.

So there you go. That's that. Those are your, those are the answers to your questions. And I know that a bunch of people are going to try to be helpful and show me how to set something up through, you know, I'm trying to raise money for my buddies, you know, lovesones.com or whatever. I'm not going to be able to figure it out.

All right. I am, I am anti technology unless it is trying to save people's lives or the lives of animals nature. I don't mind that stuff. But as far as all these fucking apps, you can stick them in a ball, turn them up sideways and shove it straight up your candy. No, sorry.

Had a wrestling fucking flashback. Dude, I just was trying to check in for my flight. That's all I was doing. Just an old freckled fuck on the computer. All I want to do is check in. All I want to do is remote zoom zoom. All I want to do is find what airline I'm flying. It's all, when does it leave?

Oh yeah. Is that when it leaves? Well, I'll be sure to be there before it takes off. All right. So what do I get? I get some fucking email from these goddamn cunts. And I can't access by itinerary unless I sign up for that app. Tripcase.

These motherfuckers just emailed me back. You're almost there. Verify your email with Tripcase. Go fuck yourself. Dude. So basically I can't view when my plane takes off or lands because now I have to download a fucking app to say, you know,

Eastern Airlines leaves, your flight leaves at fucking 11 in the morning and arrives at 7 p.m. Why do I need an application for that? Can somebody from this new world of fat children where you don't go outside and you play your video games and you sext one another in the fucking sixth grade,

can one of you, no, not at all. Let's get out of that fucking world. Can somebody of age fucking tell me why in God's name I would need this app? I don't like the fucking word app. Download our app. Do you have our app?

I literally, I have to just, just to find out when my fucking plane takes off. I had to fucking download this thing. They wanted my, they wanted me to sign in with my email and my password. So now the cunts over there have the fucking password to my email? Like, I don't understand that.

Why do I need a password? How do I know everybody at Tripcase is on the fucking level? You know, if you're not trying to figure out how to grow a kidney in a dish like, okay, and you're not out there trying to fucking prolong the life of a walrus, you know, I guess I'm guilty of it too.

What do I do? What do I do to hurt the environment? What, just, what do I do? Do I take 40,000 flights a year? I'm back to using Pam instead of putting butter in the skillets, you know, because my wife wore me down. I don't understand why you just don't use Pam.

You know? Fuck that bitch. She's fucking up the ozone layer. You know, I try to be like that. That doesn't work. That doesn't work when you live with somebody. You know, at some point you just got to be like, all right, you know,

I'm sure there'll be plenty of ozone left for my life as we sit here in the middle of this heat wave. Anyways, so I had to just bug somebody who's in the middle of her weekend to tell her can you just copy and paste what airline I'm on, where I'm going, and when can you do that? So I don't have to go to Trip Case

and download their fucking app. Jesus Christ. Is it really the fault of the people at Trip Case? Hey, God bless them. You know what? They could have gone and fucking worked for somebody else, but no, they all sat together and they sold their skateboards

and then they made this company. God damn it, they're trying to make their money. What else are they supposed to do? We don't make anything else in this country. All right, we basically, we plant and grow weed and we create apps. That's what we do in this country. In the middle of it, we eat a lot of bugles.

Okay, this is from the people outside of America. All right, if you haven't been here, and other than that, we make great music and great movies that you guys all then go and rip off a bunch of fucking hacks. Jesus Christ. Has there been any fucking original programming that didn't come out of America?

I mean, it's absolutely ridiculous. I mean, the failed attempt of Ricky Gervais and those guys who did the original office. Like, they didn't know that we had the follow-up in development. Come on, England. You're better than that. You're fucking better than that.

You went from an empire to that, ripping off our shows that we haven't put out yet, but you know we're putting them out. Fuck you with your cup of tea. Who's this? Oh, you hear that new stupid fucking ring? All right, like I'm on an island, but I'm not. Oh, shut up.

How do you get to this stop? I had to download the new fucking whatever because my phone stopped working. The latest, it's like the fucking iPhone work fine. It's unbelievable. I stand on a fucking mountain. I can talk to somebody. I haven't froze to death yet.

Why do I need it to be better? Why? Does it have to be better? I don't want to update anything else anymore. Okay? I'm done updating. I'm done with apps. I'm done with all of this fucking shit.

Like I said, unless it literally is affecting my ability to live a healthy fucking life, I don't give a fuck about your app. Do you brush your teeth? Have you downloaded our app? It'll really show you how to get in between your teeth. Really?

The fucking dentist can't tell me that? You know? What are you supposed to do? All the factories left. Back in the day, you'd be in some auto worker place making a fucking fender. Oh, Jesus. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Oh, hello, Mr. Boa. Welcome to your cell phone. All right. Let's just shut this off. You know, I like about it. It's actually weirdly upbeat, which I think goes along with my fucking, you know, balances out my Cunty behavior.

Speaking of the dentist, I went to the dentist this week. Bo-do-do-do-doot. And I sat in the chair. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And his motherfucker came in and cleaned my teeth. I laid down in the chair, whatever, sat in the fucking chair.

And I got what's known as a deep cleaning. You know, like six months ago, or whatever July was, what's that? Eight. Come on, Eggheads. How do you look at the calendar? I'm sure it's in some beautiful mind way. Well, it's 472 days.

It actually wouldn't be. That's over a year, 365 days in a year. Really? All right. Anyways. Yeah, so I was supposed to get this. I don't know. I got my teeth cleaned, you know, like,

I don't know, about a year ago this time. And then I went back to the dentist over the fucking summer. Dude, when are you putting your fucking boat in the water? Come over there with a pack of fucking coarse light, dude. Scrape it off the fucking particles. And I guess on my last trip to fucking the dentist, I agreed to get this deep cleaning.

Deep cleaning. Ron Jeremy stars in deep cleaning. I agreed to have this fucking thing done. And, you know, I don't listen to people. All right. I don't. I look, I'm sort of looking at you and I'm nodding. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sounds good. Sounds good. Just stop talking. Leave me. I want to get out of here. So I come back in July and rather than the lady who cleans my teeth, there's some dude sitting there with his smock on and he goes, all right,

do you want us to numb you up? We got to numb you up is what he said. And I went, well, well, I thought I was just here to get a cleaning. What are you pulling teeth out? He goes, no, you said last time that you wanted to come in for a deep cleaning, right? And I was just like, all right, well, look,

how long is this going to take? He said like 90 minutes. I'm like, I don't have time for that shit. I thought this was going to be like 45. I said, I didn't say shit, but I said, listen, I, you know, I have other stuff to do. I have drums to play. I might go play hockey.

I might go fly a kite because I'm a 45 year old child. I have things that I have to get to. So they go, all right, well, all right, cool, man. We're not trying to hassle you, man. Just reschedule. And I said, fine, you got it. You got it, Dr. Smoky Smok. And I'll see you later there tootsie lady.

And I walked out and I've been trying to get back to do it. And I just, you know, I traveled all over the place. I got married, all this fucking shit happened. So now, now I finally go in for the thing. I go in, I say, all right, let's do this. So I go, okay, so you got to numb me up. And he said, well, it's optional. I go, what do you mean it's optional?

Well, some people, you know, they get numbed up. Other people don't. I'm taking basically a Drilly thing and I'm going in between your teeth and it can kind of irritate your gums and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I said, well, do I need to get numbed up? And he said, well, personally, I don't do it. So I say, all right, well, fuck it. Let's, let's see how it feels.

Let's see how it feels. Right. So I got to tell you this, unless you have like, you know, your teeth are sensitive to cold. You have like a little bit of a nerve involvement. I'll give you a pass on that, but people get numbed up for that. You know what? I'm not trying to talk shit here, but you're a bunch of pussies. Was it irritating?

Yes. Was it something I would like to be feeling every day, every moment of the waking day? No. But was I screaming bloody murder? Not at all. It was fine. You know, it was great when I walked out.

I didn't, my face wasn't numb. You know, like that Bill Cosby bit. Hey, I saw Bill Cosby this week. I saw him. He's walking right down the street now. I saw him out and at the Pasadena Civic Center Playhouse, whatever they called it. And it was unbelievable.

The lovely Nia took me there for Valentine's Day. Took me out. First of all, that's the first time I've been out on Valentine's Day in years. Because Nia's cool as shit. And I just said, listen, this is stupid. This is stupid to go out on this night. You guys know this deal. Maybe there's somebody new, somebody from Oshi.

Not Oshi. I'm thinking about who scored all the goals there. What the fuck? Christ, I can't. Sochi. Somebody in Sochi, right? Hey, how about a fucking round of applause for Bob Costas? You know, toughen it out.

Jesus Christ. Putting the glasses on. Every day that infection got worse in his eye. Then it jumped to his other eye. They just kept pulling the camera back. Started up with a, they had like a fucking three quarter shot by the end of it. He was like on the other side of the studio. They'll pull back so far.

And finally he just said, I was literally by the last night I saw him. I was just like, dude, he should just go home. Just fucking gonna say fuck it. You know, I've, what, you're not going to call me for the next Olympics? Matt Lauer is going to come in here and kill it so hard that you're not going to hire Bob fucking Costas. I've been around since the ABA. Go fuck yourselves. I'll see you guys in two years.

And then he finally left. I think he left. Good for him. He left for him, but he toughed it out. He toughed it out. So anyways, so I'm on my way to over the Pasadena, which is where Dr. Cosby show my respect here was performing. And dude, I got a suit and tie on everything. It's, it's obvious because it's Valentine's Day.

Three reasons. Valentine's Day, I'm seeing, you know, out of respect for Nia. And then also, you know, I'm seeing Cosby. And then lastly, I buy these fucking suits and I never wear. I wear them once, put a gun to my head and I do five minutes on a talk show. Hope I don't fall off the stage, you know, which is the only way anybody's going to see your set on a fucking talk show. Now, if you do stand up, if you kill, nobody sees it. If you fall off the stage and your dick falls out of your pants, it's going to get a hundred million hits.

So anyways, I have all these, these suits from my numerous TV appearances. Um, and I'm like, I got to wear these motherfuckers. So I was driving over there and I could not believe the traffic and I can't believe. Oh, I don't believe. I don't believe that couples put themselves through that shit. Why would you do that? Don't do that to yourselves. Okay.

There's a couple of five and I know you got what you guys are saying. Billy, you fucking say this every week. Well, fuck you. I saw the traffic out there. Obviously, nobody's listening to me. What you guys can, like, I'll tell it this way because you guys already know this shit. Can, can you tell other people? I would, there wasn't, you know, if I can accomplish anything in my life, if I could just sabotage that fucking holiday.

This got to be like, I was just going to say the anti holiday Valentine's Day, then that becomes a fucking crowded mess. Okay. There's a number of gatherings that you do not have to participate in and you can immediately without making a dollar more an hour increase the quality of your life. All right. You don't need to go to Super Bowl parties. I already told you how to get through that. Now Valentine's Day, you don't have to fucking go out. I already told you how to do that.

St. Patrick's Day. Stupid. Fucking stupid. Go out on the 16th. Go out on the 16th. I know you think, well, what about the 18th? Well, everybody's yacked in the bar and no matter how much Clorex they use, you're still smelling that stomach acid. Okay.

Sorry, ladies who are listening to this. You go out on the 16th. All right. Unless the 16th is the Friday night because then everybody's going to be drinking all weekend, whatever you do. If that's the case, go out on the Wednesday. You know, I was fucking dumb. They don't even have St. Patrick's Day in Ireland. They don't even know who the guy is.

They don't even wear green in Ireland. You think everybody's over there with an Irish sweater on cutting into some soap after they jumped off a horse to let you know how to wash your fucking taint? They're not. They're going to work over there. They're going to dress like coach on chairs and they're going into their fucking cubicles. All right. And they're putting their hands in their keyboards and between their knees, they got themselves a flask. All right.

And that's how you celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Um, anyways, I'm on my fucking soapbox this week. Let me, uh, let me, uh, I'll read a little bit of advertising there. And, uh, and then, then I'll, and I'll tell you the Bill Cosby story. Oh, by the way, no more nature's box on this podcast evidently. They're a bunch of babies. They took their little snacks and then of course they're babies. They give out snacks.

So I will not be saying the name of their company anymore from here on out. They will just be known by their new nickname, the tree twats. All right. Literation has nature. All right. I'm suggesting some sort of female element. I like it. Um, all right.

Dollar Shave Club dode for a couple of bucks a month. Dollar Shave Club.com delivers amazing quality raises right to you. Dill. Uh, not only does it save you personally, a ton of cash. It saves you from trudging to the drugstore for a pack of blades. I always get stuck behind that person who just realized they shit their pants and they don't have the decency to walk out of the store. You know, it's like they don't understand a toilet exists.

Sorry people. I'm out of examples. Uh, but now with Dollar Shave Club for just a couple of bucks a month, amazing quality razor blades are delivered right to your door. That's right. In case you said, is that correct? I just said that's right. Like I'm in your room with you.

No more wasting time and no more getting hit up for 20 bucks every time you buy razors like they're not a piece of crap. All right. Everybody here meaning me is getting that Dollar Shave Club blades and you know what you should too. If you want to. And here's a great idea. Try replacing your old shaving cream with Dr.

Cavie's easy shave from Dollar Shave Club dot com. Trust me, your face will thank you later if it could speak. Don't waste time at the drugstore behind the lady paying in pennies. Go to Dollar Shave Club dot com forward slash burr or go to bill burr.com and click on the Dollar Shave Club. Keep your stress level low and your bank account balance high. Shave time. Shave money.

Go to Dollar Shave Club dot com forward slash burr. There we go. No, please personalize areas highlighted in yellow. I did with the shit in the pants story. It's about as personal as it gets. All right. Stamps dot com. Oh my God.

Stamps dot com like the Willy Stardial of this lineup and it's 20th season. Stamps dot com everybody. You've probably heard the cost of a stamp just went up to 49 cents. I'm sure you were in a bar in the middle of hanging out with your friends and all of a sudden somebody had to have said, Hey, did you hear stamps went up to 49 cents? Anyways, if you haven't, who cares? There's stamps dot com with stamps dot com. You'll pay less for postage.

You pay less than you would pay at the post office for first class mail. Priority, priority, express mail, packages and mowa stamps dot com is easy to use and convenient. You can buy and print discounted stamps, shipping labels and more using your own computer and printer. Not only will it save you money with stamps, not only will you save money with stamps dot com by not paying full price for postage, you'll save valuable time too because you don't have to go to the post office anymore.

Okay. If you can't figure it out, you can do it right at home standing in your underwears. Stamps dot com's always stamps dot com always keeps the rates up to date. So you get the exact postage you need every time right from your desk. Never go to the post office again. I absolutely love this product. I use stamps dot com anytime I send out my DVDs, my posters, whatever I'm selling after my shows.

I'm a moron. If I can figure it out, you can too. However, right now use my last name. Burr. B U R R for this special offer. No risk trial plus $110 bonus offer. That includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait.

Go to stamps dot com before you do anything else. Okay. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr. B U R R that stamps dot com enter Burr. B U double R. All right. Well, let's talk about the cause. All right.

First thing I get into, uh, I pull up to the theater, right? And, uh, you know, it's Valentine's Day. There's a bunch of fucking animals out there and I'm like, I don't want to try to find the parking garage. I don't know where it is. And then they, I see valet and I'm like, oh valet, fuck it. Fuck it. I'm going to valet a Prius isn't, you know, a 2008 Prius with a bird shit stain.

The likes of which I haven't seen since owning the car right on the windshield. I'm pulling up and I'm valet in it. And right as I pulled up, I started thinking, well, this is like a 3000 seater. What if half the crowd does this? How long am I going to be waiting? And I was just like, oh fuck it. My feet hurt. I'm valet.

So I valet. I walk into the theater and, uh, you know, tickets work. I, I asked for no duels. They don't have any. So I get a fucking water and I get some wine for my wife. Right. So we go into the theater. Beautiful theater.

Lovely theater. Made in the 1930s. Right. And we go in there. And, uh, first thing I do is look at the stage and it's the coolest thing ever. It's like, there's this little apartment up there for Bill Cosby. He has like a little four by four rug, Oriental rug. All right.

No offense to the orient and, uh, he has a chair and then next to it, he has a little like nightstand, little table with this little, I don't know what, little cooler. That has all his drinks in it. And then he has his little headset thing. It's the coolest thing ever. And, um, so we're sitting there. It's supposed to start at eight o'clock and right at eight on the nose, no opening act, no intro.

He just walks out on stage. I was actually looking down. I don't know what the hell I was doing. And the only reason I knew he was, had walked out on stage is cause the crowd started cheering. And of course everybody stood up and all that type of stuff. And he went over and he put on his little, uh, his little headset thing that's like see-through like John Bonham's Vista light kit. And so you don't even notice it.

He puts that thing on and then it's like he's sitting right next to you and the guy and literally he sits down and kills for two and a half hours, two and a half hours, 76 years old, 77 this year, two and a half hours. He destroys his first like bit, took a half hour. I was talking about Valentine's Day and how you got all the pressure to get, you know, uh, you know, the, the woman's something and all you get is a card, starts with that premise and then just goes, I don't know where he went 30 minutes later. He brings it back to that to a thunderous applause break.

And I looked over at my wife and I go, that's his first joke, half hour. So he did two and a half hours. So I guess that's like what he did five jokes. It was, uh, it was amazing. And, uh, what, I don't know, I'd never seen him live, like just do a full set and get to sit in the crowd. And it was, um, an unbelievable honor. It was the best Valentine's Day gift I've ever got.

And she's, she always gives me something nice and, but that was the best. And, um, it's definitely a bucket list thing. And just to be able to sit there in the crowd and watch him do his thing as I've tried to do what he's done for 22 years, to have that perspective, to have the perspective as a, as a, as a fan and an audience member, like it was working on like five different levels. It was, it was awesome. And, uh, and then I walked out and I ran into like three other comics, you know, that I knew when we're all geeking out, he's two and a half hours.

Can you fucking believe that? I've never done two and a half hours of my life guys, 76. It was awesome. And then I walked out there and there must have been 900 people waiting for their valed cars. So I just stood there up by the theater with a couple of the comics and we just sat around just giving each other shit and talking about the business and all that and then just kept going back to how amazing Bill Cosby was.

So if you get a chance, it's really cool. He's also, you know, he just put out that special. So he's, he's working on some new material. So I got to see that. I got to see Bill Cosby workshopping material that, you know, you know, and you see which ones that are already monster bits and then you see the other ones that are on their way. It was, I got the hiccups, no, it was, it was, it was amazing. So, you know, definitely if there's very few masters out there that you can go watch them

live, creating live, I highly recommend going out and seeing Bill Cosby, man, it was awesome. It was awesome. And I got to wear a suit, you know? So it was a fucking two for, um, all right, oh, this is something I have to mention. Hey, everybody, do you like buying shit off my website? Well, I got some new stuff. I did a tour at the end of last year, right before my European tour. Um, oh, I did that run of dates where I played the beacon in New York City.

I played Constitution Hall in DC and then I played Tower Theater three, absolutely legendary venues. I can't believe I got to perform there. So as always, thank you to everybody who came out. Um, I have a limited amount of posters left over from that tour and they will be going on sale. I believe like on Wednesday of this week, there's like 300 left. Um, it's first come, first serve.

The posters are 20 inches tall and 16 inches wide. They will arrive in a shipping tube and reading all this stuff. And you know what? I am in and in the effort to get these things out of my house and to give you guys more incentive. I autographed each one of them. I sat at my kitchen table and painstakingly autographed 300 posters. It must have taken me at least 17 minutes. My wrist is still sore.

I live a very difficult life as an artist, whatever I have posters, autographed posters. If you want them, they make a great gift at 20 bucks plus shipping. It's going to be autographed, you know? And if you go to give it to somebody and they don't like it, you got the empty tube to smash over the head when you're done and then you pick up the poster and you get it framed yourself. Not because you like me, just because it will always remind you of hitting that person over the head. You know, you know what's great about the poster tube is you get the release like you

fucking smashed a bat over somebody's head without having to get rid of a body afterwards because it's just cardboard, you know? If I ran a prison, I would allow everybody to have a poster tube and be like, enough with the shanks people. All right, just hit each other with cardboard. If you break it, don't worry, we'll make some more down the office. All right, everybody relax, we'll get you some pot cookies, you know, get you some porno. Everybody can rub one out at the beginning of the day, that way nobody gets raped in

the showers. Okay, this is a new kind of prison. All right, everybody just fucking relax. All right, look, you're not getting out, so I don't know why you want to sit here fighting with each other. When we all get together, maybe we'll write some songs. No? All right, well, you know, we'll work on it.

Enjoy your tubes. I took it too far with the song. Yeah, I thought I did. Anyway, all right, let's get on with the podcast here. So I've been watching, I've been missing all the Olympic hockey because it's coming on at 4.30 in the morning and because I haven't been drinking, I've been falling asleep like the middle-aged man that I am. Like, I'm falling asleep every night, like 9.30, 10 o'clock and I wake up at like 6 in

the morning where I could at least watch the third period, I guess, or the end of the third period, but it never dawns on me because they just woke up. You know, this is what I have to do before I get out of bed. And if your feet are fucked up, you know, I fucked up my foot too. I got that plantar fissureitis in my bass drum foot, trying to get, trying to play good times, bad times, my technique, I had poor technique and I don't know how, does anybody know how to rehab that? Because every time I run or do anything that exerts pushing off with that foot, it comes

right back, but I'm able to kind of, you know, roll a tennis ball other than my foot and I'm fine. But like when I get up in the morning, if I don't want to have problems, this is what I do. All right? I wake up, I look at the ceiling, all right? I look over my wife and I'm like, good, she didn't leave me, all right? The dog hears me stirring and immediately, I hear her, I hear her stretching because

she makes, she makes this noise. She goes, then she stretches again and then I hear her, her dog license is shaking as she fucking shakes her head for whatever goddamn reason. And all of that happens is I'm looking at the ceiling. And before I take step number one, if you ever fucked up your, your, whatever that is there underneath your foot, that tendon, if you ever fucked it up, what really fucks you over? It's that first step in the morning.

All right? I learned this from another comedian who is a world champion. And this is basically what you do before you get out of this is what I have to do. And I've never played organized sports. This is just, and I, and I stretch and I still, you get to a certain age. Like, I literally throw out my back sleeping. I wake up like, what, what did I do? Was I lifting shit while sleepwalking?

I basically, I point my toes at my knees. You try to do that. Point toes towards your knees. I'm doing it right now. And you hold it there for a good 10, 20 second count, right? One Mississippi, two Mississippi, but you say it in your head so you don't wake up your significant other. Then you point your toes down at the end of the bed for another 10, 20 seconds.

You do that, right? So now you stretch the bottom of your foot, you stretch the 10s on the top of your foot and then clockwise or counterclockwise. I know a lot of young people like Jesus Christ, what the fuck? Well, I got news for you. This day is coming in your life. All right? It's called your late 30s, early 40s.

All right? Then what you do is then you bring your feet to normal position, stand it side by side like those fucking jerk offs that guard that thing over there in London. And then you either go clockwise or counterclockwise. You just make big, slow circles and then you go the other way a couple of times. Then I get out of bed and I gingerly walk, no pun intended. I know I'm a redhead and I twinkle toe on my way over to the bathroom and I just make noise.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I curse and stuff as I'm walking over there. And then that's it. And then that's it. And then I have to go through the beginning. I got to stretch. This is just so I can walk my dog down the fucking street and not be in traction. It's pathetic.

It really makes me sad that I used to wake up. Remember as a little kid, you just woke up? You woke up and one of your other siblings was like, Hey, you want to go outside and fucking play? But yeah, you just jumped out of bed and just ran down the stairs, waffles that fucking cereal. You just shoved the shit. You just ran out the fucking door.

You never stretched ever. You never threw out your back. You jump and over shit, fucking play fighting, get into real fights. You were fine. You brand new right off the assembly line, brand fucking new. And after a while, I don't give a shit no matter how much fucking juices you drink. I don't know what happens to your tendons. They just fucking they shrink up after a while.

All right, I don't mean to depress you guys. You know, my latest obsession is when it comes to cars, like learning, learning about cars and that type of shit is I am absolutely fascinated with differentials. I didn't know there was oil in there. All these years of owning cars, I didn't know that the oil was in there and that you've got to change it. And when should you change it every 30 to 50,000 miles? I'm dying to fucking change it.

I'm dying to take that fucking thing off the back. I've watched enough YouTube videos to know how to do it changing oil. It's easy. You just got to you just got to get one of those torque wrenches and know what you're supposed to fucking put the screws back onto pounds per square, whatever the fuck it is, or is that air? I don't know. Fuck you.

I can figure it out. But you know, it sucks on my truck, the 68 F 100. That backing plate that usually faces the back of the car on mine, it's on, it faces the engine. It's on the other side. So the drive shaft is there with that other fucking thing. And then there's that. So I would have to take off all of that and drain it out.

And I know what you guys are thinking, Bill, for the love of fucking God, don't do that to yourself as much as you probably get a funny bit out of it, please do not do that. I don't know the other people who just love people. The fried and shoids. Oh, I'd be the fuck you say they'll be like, yeah, Bill, give that a whirl. See how that happens. That's a fucking scary thing to do because that's not that's not a an injury you can walk away from.

In other words, you know, it's weird at that point. Is if is if I did all that and I couldn't get that shit back together, I could still start my truck up and I could go through all the gears and all of that shit. Well, great. The transmission fluid will be leaking leaking out if I took off to fucking put it. If I took off the, uh, what is that called the drive shaft? If I took that fucking thing on, I'm going to do it. Fuck you.

I'm trying it. I just, I'm just fascinated with the fact that I don't think it's ever been changed in that there's air in there from it was put together in March, according to the, uh, the number inside the door was put together in Ontario, believe it or not, Ford had an Ontario plant or something like that in, uh, in March of 1968 and somebody closed that fucker up and that air has been trapped in there and I think it's high time I released it. I guess it's an ungodly fucking smell, but, um, I posted this video before, um, for people

like me who don't know shit about cars and are just starting to learn, um, it's a very intimidating part of the car and to actually see the genius of how it fucking works. I'm going to post that video again because I absolutely love it and I'll actually show this guy from, uh, bleep and jeep, um, YouTube, uh, or is it bleep and jeep.com. He gets in there. He changes the oil and he does some other shit in there and then then on YouTube, there'll be a bunch of other fucking YouTube videos. We can actually look at all the fucking gears in there, the spider gears, the pinion gears,

all that shit. You know, I watched this guy take an axle off and all that type with the little fucking C clan, whatever the fuck it is. I was fascinating shit, the balls to go in that deep. That's what I, I just have to respect it and speaking of respect, even though I missed all the games I watched the highlights, I just saw the, the third period in the shoot out of the, uh, USA, Russia game. How about that fucking TJ, oh, she, she, uh, TJ, TJ, oh, she basically was just basically

the, our fucking shootout guy. We just kept sending him and he delivered every time Jonathan quick. I, you know what I loved about him scoring that over is how he went the second he scored the, uh, the shootout goal that had us beat the Russians. He immediately turned around and he pointed at Jonathan quick, you know, something somebody else could have done when they tipped a pass to a linebacker about a month ago. You know, you can do that every once in a while. It's nice to see somebody do that.

Um, and Phil Kessel, Phil Kessel has been crushing it. That's a former Bruin and now Toronto Maple Leaf, who I will be seeing. I will be going to a Maple Leaf game and I'll also be going to a, a, a Canadians Bruins game when I'm up there and I can, I can't fucking believe it. I'm going to see two original six home games and one against another original six and the best fucking rivalries as far as I'm concerned. Over the years, you got to say that, you know, not discounting any of the, you know, great Detroit rivalries and some of that shit out West, um, or even the Islanders and Rangers

or Flyers and Penguins. It's just a fucking great leak. Um, anyways, so that, that tour is coming up quick. I have a week's worth of dates back here for like four days and then I'm in Canada, man. And I have not drank for 20 days by the time you hear this 21 days. And I got to tell you something. I am fucking miserable. I'm not miserable, but I, I miss it, man.

I really fucking miss it. I'm not going to lie. I don't need it. I don't need it. I mean, well, what do you really need? You know, did I need to, to buy another pair of socks? I have other socks, you know, but I miss, I should have never broken up with it. I'll live with this regret for the rest of my life.

No, I'm basically, me and Verzi are not drinking until we get to Canada. Once we get to Canada. It's hilarious. Right now I was talking to him. I said, listen, Paul, all right, both haven't drank in a while. I've been going easy on the stoves and, um, you know, it would be a shame if in those 20 days we gave back everything that we gained and he's like, oh yeah, dude. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I said, yeah, listen, I'm not saying I'm not going to drink. I'm not saying I'm not going to smoke a couple of Cubans. You know, let's try to, to manage, you know, let's try to, maybe the first two days we

don't drink and then we go to the fucking Maple Leafs game. We'll have a couple of beers and, and Paul said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we just start laughing because we know what's going to happen. We know what is going to happen. All right. It's going to be a fucking shit show. So all I'm trying to do is drop as much fucking weight as I possibly can and get into such great shape because I know what the fuck I'm going to do.

It's over. It's fucking over. I'm going to do what every one of you guys would do. So don't fucking judge me. I can't wait. I can't wait. I wake up every day, you know, I don't know. Yeah, I feel good, but I don't, I, I don't know.

What am I supposed to do? I have a porch. How am I not? How do you not drink when you have a porch? It's just, yeah, I got a rocking chair, you know, it was easy to not drink when I didn't have a porch. I don't know what it is about the porch. I just get out there and all of a sudden I want to fucking want to drink.

All right, let me do a little more advertising when I come back and I'm going to talk about my ADD and I want to thank everybody who's been trying to help me with it now that I finally agreed with my wife that I have. All right, LegalZoom.com everybody. Some things like starting a business or protecting your family with a will aren't like your other New Year's resolutions. You can't afford to blow them off. Instead of less snacking and more exercise, put this stuff at the top of your list.

LegalZoom helps you incorporate or form an LLC with their simple questionnaire starting at just $99. Over 1 million entrepreneurs have done it and 90% of customers recommend LegalZoom to friends and family. You can also create a will at just $69 or even a living trust quickly and easily and get peace of mind and protection. No surprise fees, no hassles, man, and no headaches. LegalZoom's step-by-step process was created by a team of experts in law and technology.

LegalZoom is not a law firm but can connect you with the third party attorney and provide you with self-help services. From wills to business formations, trademarks, powers of attorney, and more, go to LegalZoom.com for even more savings. Type in BIRB, B-U-R-R, into the referral box at checkout. Don't put things off today that you need to do for tomorrow. Go to LegalZoom.com now and use the discount code BIRB. B-U-R-R, that's LegalZoom.com, discount code BIRB.

B-U-R-R. All right, you got to do that by the way. By the way, I'm actually in the process of doing it right now. Making out of will, you got to do it. Because if you don't, you know, who's going to get your smoking jacket, the government? E-voice. E-voice. If you're a business owner, wait, you're a business owner but automated phone systems

and secretaries are not in your budget just yet. And juggling incoming calls makes it hard to look like a professional. Here's something that will dramatically help you more and make you wait a minute. Here's something that will dramatically help you make more money in 2014. E-voice. Whether you're a business of one or 100, E-voice will help you manage all of your incoming calls with a toll free number, dial by name directory and call routing tools. Your business will sound like a million bucks.

Can't take a call? No problem. E-voice will transcribe the voicemail and email it right to you. Never be caught off guard again. And with E-voice, you can try it before you buy it. Now, just for my listeners, you get a 60 day trial to E-voice for absolutely free. Go to evoice.com and enter the promo code, bill, B-I-L-L at checkout. Take charge of your business and make more money in 2014.

Go to evoice.com and enter bill at checkout for your 60 day free trial. That's evoice.com promo code, bill. You know what's funny with those reads? I was actually thinking through the first couple, I was like, I'm doing a great job. And then all of a sudden that voice in my head, whatever you do, don't fuck it up. And of course, you start fucking it up. TJ Oshie doesn't think that shit. Phil Kessel doesn't think that shit.

That's why he puts the biscuit in a basket. All right. So I mentioned ADD last week that I've finally given in that I fucking have it brutally. And so people sent me all these links. And as far as I can tell, other than trying harder to focus, you got to take some drugs man. And I looked at the list of drugs. Out of which I would ever, ever in a million years, entertain, putting myself on, you know,

destroy your brain, beat up your liver. But oh, will you focus? Be sitting there totally listening to every word as I got drool coming out of my mouth. One other thing, Ritalin was one of the things that they suggested to take. Like who still suggests Ritalin? I've seen, I've even, I have seen the stories. Okay. With all the sports and bullshit that I watch.

Oh, speaking of ADD and speaking of shows that I love. Is anybody watching true detective? Please tell me you're watching true detective. And if you've seen all four episodes, I'm not going to spoil anything for anybody. Okay. I just have to wait for that person to take their, their hands away from their ears. I'm not going to ruin anything. That's dangerous to drive like that.

Stop staring with your knees. I've seen all four episodes and this past week's episode, certain people were going on and on about the way it was shot. And I think that they actually, which was amazing, but that gem of a conversation in the bar this week, I absolutely fucking loved it. I thought I'm, it's very rare that I see a, a scene where both characters are arguing and I feel like they're both a hundred percent right. They're both a hundred percent right in that scene.

And it's just, oh my God, fucking Matthew McConaughey, Jesus Christ, crushing it. Everybody is Reggie and even that guy, that prisoner guy, Reggie Ladoo, Reggie Ladoo did this shit, motherfuckers, Reggie Ladoo. I fucking love that guy. That's my new show, everybody, considering gas monkey there, there, I don't know. They were between seasons. Do you know how depressed I am when I get through all of the fast and louds? I watch all of them like three times and then I just have like my favorite ones where they

just have certain cars. What are some of my favorite ones? I'll tell you. I like the, some of my favorite cars that they've done was when they, which one was the, I would say the 55 Ford that they made for Mark Cuban. That one, I just absolutely, what they did to that car, painting it all white. I absolutely, in the interior, that fucking car and the way it sounded, then they did another one.

They did this 1950 Rocket 88 where they do this thing where, you know, it's starting to rust, but it's not like debilitating rust and they just put a clear coat over it. So you got this badass, mean looking car that you can lean up against and underneath it, everything's fucking brand new and it sounds like a fucking beast as they go down the road and they got the white wall tires. That was another one that I loved. What else? I even liked that crazy station wagon that opened like a clamshell.

There's just been so many. I don't know. My favorite, and of course, though I've already talked about this, the one when Richard tried to sell the car back to the people for 30 grand and they knew what the fuck his brother comes in. His brother wanted 30 grand and he busted him down to 18 grand and then his other brother comes back and goes, he shouldn't have sold the car. What do you want for it?

And Richard was like, yeah, I was thinking like 30 grand and the other guy's like, hey, fuck it. I know what you paid for. And then Richard just laughs and then they settled for like 20 grand. He still made like 1500 bucks. I fucking love that show. I wish they'd do more motorcycles. Anyways, plowing ahead.

So my new show, now that Breaking Bad's over, is that show True Detective. Get in early so you don't feel overwhelmed like I am with House of Cards. I know I have to start watching that. Just so many great shows. Shameless. I haven't watched one episode of that. I got a bunch of shit I have to get caught up on, but True Detective, I don't know if it can get better than that right now, man.

It's fucking awesome. See, but ADD helps me. Look at this. It helps me on the podcast because I just think of something. I just go off. Like basically what I just did there, I was going to start talking about my ADD and all of a sudden I'm talking about a 55 Ford, right? And then I bring it back around and just, it helps on this thing.

Having ADD is great when you have a podcast because you never run out of shit to say because everything just fucking reminds you of something else and you just keep going. In my day to day life, trying to get shit done and also trying to listen to somebody else. Like everything that they say reminds me, it just reminds me of shit, other stuff. And I just start thinking of that and I don't know, I don't even have ADD, I'm just unbelievably self absorbed. It's probably a little of both. Go fuck yourselves.

What do you want from me? So anyways, yeah. Oh, don't forget to get your posters. I did mention that. I'm scrolling down here. And also amazon.com is a great way to donate to this podcast. You just go to my website, billbird.com. You click on the podcast page, you click on the Amazon app and it just takes you to Amazon.

I get credit for sending you there. It doesn't cost you any money and they kick me a little fucking money for sending in there so you can go there and buy a whisk. All right, dude, you called it. Here we go. The reeds for this week, man. Dude you called it, Bill. You called it.

Last June on your appearance on Conan O'Brien, you told Conan that Paula Dean would be back on television because she's a hundred million dollar whale. I read today she receives a 75 million dollar investment from a guy who owns Sky Mall. He's already in talks with a major television networks for a new show. Great call, Bill. Love your podcast. Keep being you. Yeah, dude.

I mean, that was obvious. I just predicted that everything that has happened before would continue happening. She's back. She's back. I actually don't have a problem with Paula Dean. I think it's refreshing that she actually said, yeah, I've used the N word. You know what I mean? She was honest.

That's really what she was guilty of. She really could have just, you know what? I should really shut the fuck up because I can't even remember what she did. Didn't it start with she had a slave themed wedding? Oh, that's right. It's just what the fuck? You know what she's like? Is anybody watching the Haunted House show, American Horror Story?

Nia's watching that this year and the theme was slavery and I fucking, I can't sit there and watch that with Nia because I'm afraid she's going to cut me by the end of the goddamn show. And, you know, as I'm like going, I wasn't alive then. That's what she's like. The Paula Dean is like the, what's her face, the woman from misery. She's like the real live version of that in that she's not like some dead living thing. She's actually alive and she can make cookies.

But other than that, I think her politics are the same. All right, female athlete of the year is a horse. What? Hey Bill, hearing the story last week about the Seattle newspaper snubbing the women's championship reminds me of this story from a few years back. The Daily Telegraph naming the Australian sportswoman of the year and it was a horse. He's got the link right here. I'll put this up for you guys.

In 2012, the year of the London Olympics, where plenty of our female athletes won gold and gave great performances by our athletes, he means the Australian ones. They completely blew it off and they gave it to a horse. Here's the link. Also, ever thought of adding Tasmania to your itinerary when touring Australia? It's the small island state below the mainland. If you don't know, got that welcoming. We don't get much down here, so let's make it a good one kind of feel.

Last time you were in Australia, you mentioned how it's sucked driving so far to get to different places. None of that here can cross the state in about five hours and take in whatever you want in between. Yeah, if you fly, right? Oh, that's me in Tasmania, I get it, okay. Got some nice old theaters and the best beers in the country. Not only will you have a blast.

I'll save $600 flying over to see you, a win and a win. Dude, fuck that, I'll go there. They got some old ass theater. Jesus Christ, tell me that's not haunted. How many indigenous people is that fucking built on top of? Is it made out of digery dudes? Sorry, sorry for the hacky fucking Australian humor. I haven't been there enough to give you anything original.

I'll be there. Although I was upset that Bruce Springsteen played Perth and his band played Highway to Hell as a tribute to Bond Scott because that's where Bond was from and he's buried there. As cool as that was, as much as I loved it as an ACDC fan, I was like, fuck. I thought I was going to be the American that goes over there and let you know that I realized that Bond Scott is from there. I thought I'd get a little star on my forehead and Bruce Springsteen went over there and took it right from me.

All right, I'm done with my temper tantrum. De-throning the bankers. Dear Bill, I know how much you hate the banker cunts and was wondering if you ever considered getting into Bitcoin. The decentralized nature of the currency creates no need for central banks controlling everything. I'd suggest creating a Bitcoin wallet and playing around with a small amount of Bitcoin to learn how the system works. It's the most exciting thing in technology and finance since the invention of the internet.

Love the podcast. Thanks. Go fuck yourself. And he's nice enough to leave the Wikipedia definition, either that or Andrew Thamelis. Let me know what this is. Bitcoin is a peer-to-peer payment system and digital currency introduced as open source software in 2009 by pseudonymus developer Satoshi Nakatomota, Nakamoto, two Japanese people got the best fucking names, Satoshi Nakamoto.

It's a fucking killer name, Bill Burr, Satoshi Nakamoto, Nakamoto, Nakamoto, Satoshi Nakamoto, How would you say that if he scored a goal? I can't do it. Let me just continue here. ADD. It's a wonderful thing. It's cryptocurrency, so-called because it uses cryptography to control the creation and transfer of money.

Eventually Bitcoin capitalized refers to the technology and network, whereas lower case bitcoins refers to the currency itself. Yeah, well, the big problem with this is it's created by human beings. I don't think that bankers are necessarily evil. I just think that they have more evil than I am. They just, they're in a position to absolutely devastate everyone walking the planet. International bankers have that ability. But I really think that the more, I don't know, the more I read up on it and stuff,

it's just a bunch of greedy cunts. And like somebody's saying right now, the big conspiracy is that they're going to try to bankrupt all currencies to eliminate all wealth on the planet and then come back with the new currency. And well, I know that they're not going to eliminate their own wealth. So they're going to make everybody on the planet broke except for them and they're going to survive. Now maybe they can do it, but how do you pull that off?

That seems like that would have a very finite life before people were just like, all right, I don't know about you guys, but there's like nine people left in the world that can afford a three-piece suit and it's not any one of us seven billion. Maybe you say we go over there and beat them with their pocket watches, you know, it's eventually wouldn't that happen? I don't know. Yeah, I would just like to go back to just open bartering, just trading shit. Hey, I'll give you this shirt for that sandwich.

I got plenty of shirts. Fuck. Going hungry again. But look at my waistline. I look awesome. All right. I'll read up on it, sir. I'll look up on it.

I'll look up on it. I'll read up on it and I'll look it up. How about that? I'll do both of those things. I'll look it up and then I'll read up on it. I'll look it up. Going on there. All right.

Donation currency. Hey, Bill. Long time listener. Love the show. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Let's get right to the point. The person wrote blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, before you think I'll be an arrogant. Let's get right to the point.

You should think about adding another way of donating on your website, bitcoins. Why is that? You have fans in places so fucking strange that you don't even know where it is on the goddamn globe. Go fuck yourself. I know where most places are on the globe and I know their capitals. At least I used to. It's in my head somewhere.

They use different currency, which might be a problem. Bitcoin is providing an easy way to, this is a commercial, an easy way to transfer wealth. Use it and welcome to the 21st century. By the way, I'm from Poland. It's really cold in here. It's a second language. All right. I would think that if whoever starts Bitcoin, if they don't get murdered in the next calendar

year, then it's just started by the bankers or they're just going to buy it up. They'll sell out. Right? I don't know. I'm not going to fucking start using a new currency. All right. I saw what happened with the Euro. I'm going to go with Bitcoin that started by some fucking hippy Japanese guy or even

worse, a businessman Japanese guy. Jesus Christ. You can't tell me they're not still upset by the, the two piece we gave them back in the 40s. Adopt or birth, dear Billy red, Billy red, white beard, Burr. Thanks for the laughs and look forward to seeing you soon in Calgary. Calgary, Calgary, Calgary, I'll gladly take you out with, with a couple of buddies for some ice hockey and a couple of non-alcoholic brews unless you're back on the wagon.

Yeah. Let's get shitfaced and play hockey. Dude, I'm bringing my skates. You provide a right-handed stick and a ski park. I'll play some pond hockey. In which case we'll enjoy some Grandville Island. Oh, is that some brews? I don't know what the fuck.

I guess I'm off, off the wagon, Grandville Island. See? See what I'm saying? You see how much weight I'm going to gain up there? No, but then if I play pond hockey, I'll skate it off. Ah, genius. Anyways, my wife and I are toying with the idea of either adopting a kid or doing it the old-fashioned way and making a baby ourselves.

She's only 27, so it's not like she's incapable of making babies, but she would prefer to adopt a Korean kid because A, those orphan kids need home, B, she'd like to skip the crying baby phase and C, that Korean kid will make me filthy rich one day. Jesus Christ, doing what? Personally, I think all, if it's a female, get it into golf, destroying female golf right now. Ladies, they're hitting off the lady T's there. Personally, I think all her reasons are legit, but I'm seriously freaked out that if we give

birth to a second baby, I'll love that second baby more than my Korean kid. That happened to a friend of mine who adopted and then had another kid and was ashamed of himself and he honestly felt more loved for the second one, even though he still loved the adopted kid. What would you do here if you were me? Adopt or make one yourself? Dude, I can't make that decision and I think it's natural that you feel more of a connection to your own kid, but I don't think that would affect the decisions you'd make unless you

had some Sophie's choice that you had to make. I think your buddy's just being really honest. I don't know. I don't think it's a good reason to adopt a kid because you think it's going to make you money. Those orphan kids do need homes. I agree with A, B, she'd like to skip the crying baby phase. You know what?

Both of you guys are a couple of psychos. You're trying to make money. She doesn't. I don't think you want a kid. Skip this crying baby phase. That doesn't sound like a mom. What about when it can talk and it's the whiny phase, like, I don't want to eat vegetables. Well, fuck you.

You're not buying anyway. You want to go back to the orphanage? Do you know how much it cost me to fix your baby teeth? Right? That's what she's going to do. I think both of you guys should have a kid when you want to have a kid for the right reason. Maybe you're just trying to be funny.

I don't know what. I don't know. Jesus Christ. All right. ADD. ADD. Coming to a theater near you. Hey, Bill, you're a funny guy.

You amuse me. But before you go all peshy, I thought I'd run something past you. Does that mean Joe Pesci or does that Italian for fish? I don't know what that is. Your recent self-diagnosis of ADD. It wasn't self-diagnosis. It was from my wife. I think could be PTSD.

He said not showing me any sort of credentials. I'm not an expert. Okay. So now I can't sue him. But I have a self-diagnosis of myself with this condition. Isn't the internet wonderful? I had an injury to the left side of the brain when I was young, which led to the right brain compensating and in turn this led to above average creative skills.

Hopefully you're just a naturally funny fucker, but I suggest reading about this condition if you've been looking into that stuff. Well, I got run over by a jeep. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hey. Wait. You had an injury to the left side of your brain.

That's where I got hit. I was riding on my bicycle. I was trying to beat my brother home. I crossed the street without looking and I got hit by a jeep. I was upside down and I got hit right on the temple. So I told you guys about this before. When you bite down on your molus, put your hand right on the side of your temple. If you're pointing like, ah, that's a smart suggestion there, Brian.

Yeah, that part of your skull. Put it right there and then bite down on your molus. You feel that thing that goes in and out? That's right where I got hit and it happened on a Wednesday. I remember that because the doctor said I didn't have to go to school for the rest of the week and I got a four day weekend Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and my fucking jaw hurts. It hurt to open.

It hurt to chew. So I ate with a little spoon and I had raisin bran. I remember all of that. I don't know if that's why I became what I became. I wonder if that's true. I have no idea. I made people laugh before that. I was fucking killing it in kindergarten.

That's interesting. I will look that up, sir. PTSD. All right. You know what? That is the podcast for this week, everybody. That's the podcast for each of you. Now go back to work.

Look at your spreadsheets. Not at your boss and act like you're fulfilled. But secretly take another step towards your fucking dream before you walk in and shoot up the office. All right, everybody, thank you for listening to the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Thank you to everybody who's coming out to the Patrice O'Neill benefit.

It means the fucking world to me and everybody else on the show that a bunch of knuckleheads like us, we actually stepped up and created the opportunity for you guys to do what we knew what you would do. And thank you to the Opie and Anthony show. God knows they move most of those tickets and all the fans of that show. It's really, it's the highlight of my year, man.