Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-18-16

Episode Date: February 19, 2016

Bill rambles about door locks, The Vegas Gamblers and doing roids.

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Visit genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you. How are you? How's your week going?

I hope you're, uh, I hope you're accomplishing things. I hope you have a sense of purpose. I hope that, uh, that fucking douche with the bad breath and the fucking terminal head cold, that cunt doesn't walk by your cubicle today, you know, you hear him fucking coming down the fucking hall. Um, anyways, I am in a, uh, I'm in a great mood, believe it or not. I just, uh, I finally got, I tell you guys this, I, you know, I was trying to take the, the old timey door locks out of my old timey doors, my old timey fucking house, which

by the way, I had an architect come over here. I was going to do it right this time, you know, for the whole fucking idea that I was going to have to make a drum room in my garage or whatever. And you know, the whole thing went to shit. And I'm not going to tell you why, because I don't need the fucking hassle, man. But I just, I found out the fucking history of this house and, um, you know, uh, I didn't want to get into it. I don't even want to get into it.

So just, you know, fuck it. Just forget it. I had a dream and it went in the shitter, um, is it, I swear to God, I'm, I'm in with this fucking house. There's no turning back. Anyways, I'm just, I'm just putting my head down and I'm fixing every fucking goddamn thing in this fucking house that was painted over, Jerry rigged, not done with the fucking. I don't know who built a fucking mailman built half this fucking house.

So anyways, I got these, uh, these old door locks and of course some douche paid this other douche to come in here and he just painted over everything or she did. Okay. I don't be branded a sexist here. Okay. A woman is just as good with the paintbrush as a man is, if not better, there are certain studies on a scratch, my twat.com that actually indicate that a female, um, so I finally got the, uh, I finally got the door looks out of my door and I brought him down to the old

fella down the street, the locksmith guy and I gave him three, two of which were original and none will, another one was a newer like home depot style one. So he goes, this new home depot one, I can't make a skeleton key for it's a big fucking pain in the ass. I think I have an older lock from the same era as your other lock. So I said, well, okay, let's do that. And I was like, all right, you'll give me a shout when you, when you get these things done.

And I said, you know, preferably one key wouldn't be able to match all of them like a skeleton key. And can I also get one of those cool looking skeleton keys instead of some modern looking key? And he goes, Oh, absolutely. That'll work. And guess who fucking called me right before I sat down two days later, two days later, this guy called back.

He has the locks fixed and all that shit. So now in my office, there's, uh, you know, I got two little closets. I can lock both those doors and I can lock the main door. And then the, when you go into the bathroom, um, you can, uh, that one I had fixed last year. So they'll all fucking work. You know, anyone I love about it is Nia was giving me shit going like, what the fuck are you pulling all the doors apart?

You know, and I tried to tell her and she just kept going, yo, not a locksmith just kept giving me shit going, you're going to fuck up the house. I go, no, what are we doing? She kept going, yo, not a locksmith. Um, and then just was openly laughing at me, um, as she does, which of course made me laugh at myself, but I got these fuckers out, um, by of course going on YouTube and learning how to get these things off without stripping the, uh, the screws and all that. I found this great YouTube video where this guy goes, all right, you just stick the screwdriver

in there and you give just a little bit of pressure and then you just sort of tap it lightly with the hammer, you know, and that loosens up the paint and then eventually you're able to turn the thing and God damn it. If it didn't work, it worked on all of them except the ones that I stripped from being too fucking impatient. So I have a bit of a problem on a couple of doors, but anyways, um, I got three of them down in this room and I got about another five to go. And then unfortunately there's another couple of doors that, um, you know, we're replaced

with those awful Home Depot ones. So I'd like to get some newer ones. And I know what you're thinking like, Jesus Christ, Bill, what's with all the doors in your house? I've had a lot of doors, not a lot of square footage, not a lot of big closets or anything, but God damn it, they had a lot of doors. And despite the fact that everybody back then seemed to own maybe one suit that you got married in and, you know, buried your friends in and all of that shit, like for some reason

they had an unbelievable urge to lock things up, you know, what they had back then they were panning for gold and shit. I don't know. I don't know what you would have a value back then, right? Everybody walking around looking like Johnny Appleseed. Why do they have so many doors? So anyways, that's like the big fucking highlight of my day. And also speaking of which, I watched the Bruins replay today of them playing the Columbus

blue jackets. And once again, another great game was great to see Adam McQuade come back and as much as Marshawn's scoring streak ended, Louis Erickson's has kept his going and fucking Bruins, man. I'm telling you, I can't stress it enough. Like I was go, they got rid of Lucci each and all those guys. I was like, we are going to absolutely suck this year and we are a solid fucking team. So anyway, so I'm watching the game and at one point, I don't know if anybody watched

the game. They were doing this camera angle where it was almost at like the top of the building. So it'd be like if you had like upper deck seats, so you could really watch like the play develop. And I just thought it was a great camera angle. If the NHL wanted to get more, of course, they want to get more, right? Of course, they want to get more fans. They want to make more money.

It's like the NFL. I was talking to somebody last night and they were trying to claim that the fucking Jacksonville Jaguars might move to London. All right. And I don't mean Connecticut, isn't there a London in Connecticut? In England, like that's how we're going to, that's our first move to make NFL football worldwide. We're going to take our worst fucking franchise and put that thing on point.

Um, evidently, it's owned by some, uh, I think, Pakistanian guy or something who lives in England. I have no fucking idea. That's what somebody was trying to tell me. I have no idea. I was in a bar, people were talking. I was nodding. My eyebrows were up going, oh, oh, really, really?

And now I'm just telling you what I heard. I haven't looked any of this. I didn't even wikipedia the bullshit I'm telling you right now. So take all of that with a giant grain of salt, throw it over your shoulder and, you know, do your little Sammy Sosa, kiss your fingers, LL Cool J thing. Right. Anyways, um, and I think I know sitting there going, why the fuck would the NFL want to put a team in London?

Like, why can't you just be happy being like billionaires? Like isn't that enough for you? I think they're jealous of World Cup soccer because as much as the Super Bowl is this giant thing or we think it's this giant thing, it got like, I guess like 80 to 100 million views or something. Once again, I'm just throwing these numbers out there. But recently, like, uh, soccer or football is what I should really call it considering that's what the world calls it.

Um, you know, it's funny when they say they go, why do you call it football when you carry it? It's like, I don't know. And somebody had the great joke. Well, why don't you call it football? You know, you'd be able to use both of them, right? If you want to be fucking clever cunts about it. Um, so anyways, football, World Cup, football had, uh, some game that was just some regional

final or whatever the fuck it was, a friendly, whatever the fuck they call it. It's one of those ones that isn't the World Cup and it got like a billion views. But it got to the seven and a half billion people on this fucking planet. Um, it got a billion fucking views. So they're sitting there going, we got to go global with our shit and our first move is going to be to send evidently the Jacksonville Jaguars out to fucking London, England to a bunch of fish and chip eating cunts. Um, anyways, I'm fucking with you.

So anyway, so I'm watching the Bruins game. So they do this camera angle from up top of the building and you can really watch the play develop, especially if you're like a novice fan of hockey, because the fact that they're to this side, you know, if you've played hockey and you've gone to enough hockey games, like you actually have to watch, you got to know what's going on, like three feet off of the screen, you know, like literally like you'll see a team bringing the puck down the ice and a guy flips it into the zone and then the entire team disappears as the camera follows the puck.

Now, if you don't watch hockey, you're going like, well, what the fuck? Everybody just quit. Where'd they go? You don't realize that. Oh, it's a line change. Um, now with this angle, you could do that. And I was actually thinking what would be cool is, you know, the NFL has those cameras on fucking why?

They should do that. They should have a camera, like I would say that you should run a line right across the red line that they still have, even though they don't even use it anymore. Okay. And you have one camera pointed down one end and the other down the other. And basically you just follow the puck up the ice, um, as you normally do throughout the whole game. But anytime there's like a power play, or if a team establishes, you know, themselves

in the offensive zone, you would then cut to that camera. And you could really, you could basically see what everybody was doing because a lot of times when it goes out to the point, you can't see what's going on. If somebody's down behind the net, you could just be, you know, seeing the entire thing. And then the second it fucking, you know, the other team gains control the puck and they come up the ice. You just flip back to that traditional view that they always show. And oh freckles fucking brain was going when I was watching this and I was thinking, you

know what? I bet in the future they'll have something like that. And probably they'll end up having cameras in the helmets and you'll be able to at home act like the guy in one of those Monday night football trucks and you'll be able to direct your own game. And then the NHL would have like, uh, show us your best edit of fucking, you know, whatever McQuade's slap, slap up from the point or whatever. And you get to show your, your, uh, your edited version of the fucking game.

Like in the future, you just be able to flip around and it'll drive everybody fucking nuts who's trying to watch the game. And then there'll be an old grizzled cut like me going, I'm old school, I let the TV dictate the angles, you know? But anyways, I just thought it was like a really cool, uh, way to watch the game. And, um, the NHL is, was actually ahead of everybody else by having on screen graphics. They just came out too early and went too hard when they had the flaming trail behind the puck and everybody laughed at him and ridiculed him and everything.

But now when you look at NFL football and they have like the first down thing is all lit up and everybody's drawn all over the screens and all of that show. I guess Madden was doing that beforehand, um, I don't know. I just thought it was a cool way, you know, something, I, I thought it was a good idea and then I said it out loud and I still think it's a good idea, but I really just bombed in the presentation. But speaking of which, as far as like hockey, I guess Las Vegas, even though they haven't been awarded a team yet, is just gone ahead and just as building a stadium that evidently

is going to be one of the best stadiums in the league, if they're allowed in the league, which is exciting and really fucking annoying to me as a Bruins fan. One of the original six teams, the fact that we just went down to Home Depot, as I've always said, and just bought 50,000 fucking cinder blocks and built a rectangle considering we used to play in the Boston garden, which was one of the fucking, you know, mechas. I don't want to use that fucking Madison square garden world. It was, it was a fucking church. It was a cathedral.

It was an old barn. It was the shit. All right. And the fact that we just, you know, the fact that the Dallas stars have a better fucking, you know, Minnesota wild, they got a bit, they got a way better, way more personality and shit to those fucking venues than what we have is a goddamn crime. So now in Las Vegas, they're building a fucking arena for a team they don't even have yet. And I just saw it like halfway completed.

I go, look at this. Fuck, this place looks amazing. So I immediately started thinking like, well, wait a minute, Vegas is going to have a team. What would you call the team? Now back in the day, you could call them what they should be called. You should call them like the gamblers. You know, remember the Houston gamblers, they had the gamblers back in the USFL days. They were the Houston gamblers, but you know, there's no fucking way.

There's no fucking way they'll do that. They should call them the fucking Vegas gamblers, right? And their mascot should be like this degenerate gambler, right? Just looking some broke ass guy, just, you know, but it's, it's a, it's a fucking mascot looking thing. So it's, it's funny. Kind of like being the town drunk used to be funny before they said, no, he's an alcoholic. He has a disease and you know, all the foster brooks guys stop losing, stop getting work.

You know, you know what's going to fucking happen? All these fucking goddamn pansy fucking soccer mom, mini van driving douchebags, they're going to end up calling them like, I don't know, the geckos or the road runners. You know, not even, they won't even call them the sidewinders, you know, cause well, that's a poisonous snake and you know, we don't want to scare the children. You know, I just, I don't fucking understand it. Why can't you call them the gamblers? You have a degenerate gambler as a mascot and then you teach a kid a lesson.

You see that? You see that fucking right there? That's what happens when you go in these goddamn casinos. All right. No, I'm not getting you another fucking popcorn. You had enough. Old school parenting. Old school parenting was at one point during the game you took your kid to, you made him

cry. All right. And I'll tell you right now, the day that that ended, there was the day that this country started going down the shitter. Um, sorry. Anyways, what do you, what do you, I want to hear your guys guess is what do you think they're going to call them? Huh?

The Maces, the Pueblos, you can't say Pueblos. Those were, those were a Native American group. So they'll get upset. The, uh, the Stardust, you know, they're going to do that. If you can't call it team, the devil raise, if you just got to switch it to the raise because people are so fucking paranoid that if you call it the devil raise that one of their kids is going to get fucking, uh, what do they call possessed off of the name of a fucking baseball team.

What, what, what horrific is great as their stadium is, is awesome as it would be. I don't know why. Like I'm, I'm totally against teams being down in the sunbelt, except in Vegas, Vegas needs to have a team. And you know what? They should be fucking shifty, shady, any fucking thing that begins with SH other than shitty, you know, they should cheat. They should have like a bunch of Ken Linzman's.

I don't want fucking knee breakers, but they just be the cheapest motherfuckers in the league, you know, just old school fucking shit. That would be great. That would be great. That's not going to happen. That's not going to happen. They'll, they'll call them the fucking, uh, what do they call them? Something like that.

The Stardust and they'll hire the first female head coach. They just, they're going to, they'll, they'll go that route. That's the direction it's all heading. You know, we should have known when, when Times Square went from like fucking a place where you could jerk off while someone mopped it up simultaneously, right? As someone legged freak was doing her dad's in front of you to go into like the M&M store. And now they have chairs where you can sit down in the middle of the fucking street. Once, once that went that direction, how did I not see the direction that sports were

going to go in? You know that everyone was going to get a ribbon, you know, I don't know, I don't want to get into this. I don't even get into this. Like, what happened? I was in a great mood. I haven't got all of these fucking door locks. All right.

What are we into? 17 minutes into here, checking in on you here. Um, what else did I want to talk about here in this thing? Oh my God. I lost my shot. I've been doing so well with my temper lately. You wouldn't know it from this podcast, but all Billy's been making some strides. Um, I don't want to happen.

About a month ago, I started to flip out when I was in the car. No, I was at an airport. That's right. Car airport. When you get to my age, it's all the same thing. It's some form of transportation, whether you're in it or standing, trying to get on it. It's all, it just sort of all blends into one thing.

And then all of a sudden you're just like, it's Christmas again. That's what getting old is. All right. You don't know where you are and all of a sudden it's Christmas again. That's basically what you have to look forward to. All right. So with that depressing thought, let's plow forward. So we're in this, we're at the airport and I went to the sky cap, you know, rather than

going to the fucking electronic faceless, cunt thing that I'm supposed to, you know, that can't read my credit card and all of that horseshit and it's like one person to help 70 people on these things. I go to this fucking guy and he ends up shooting the shit with somebody else. He takes for fucking ever. And I was starting to lose my shit as I do, as I do. I don't have control of my emotions. My emotions have control of me.

Um, my wife just tapped me and she just goes, give it a minute. That's all she said. Give it a minute. And for some reason, I don't know why that is just stuck in my head. And as I, you know, more times than not, when I start to flip out, I just think, give it a minute, take a breath, just give it a minute. And it's been really fucking working for me about, you know, 11% of the time, um, which is, you know, whatever, you know, 11% better.

So last night I get in the car, it's fucking raining out here. So you know the deal. It starts to rain out here. Everybody freaks the fuck out because, you know, they're not used to, I don't know what the deal is. I guess there's a bunch of fluids from cars just build up and it doesn't get washed away. So yeah, I guess the roads are a little more slippery, but anyways, so I'm driving to pick my wife up, right?

And I'm at this red light and I'm the third person in line at the red light. Okay. So when you're the third person in line to make a left in Los Angeles, your eyes are fucking locked in on the movements of the person who's in the pole position. And you need that fucker to make a move. Okay. Take a little bit of risk or you're not going to make the light. Okay.

So I'm just sitting there locked in on that thing, like my fucking pit bull, when it hears a noise at the front door and it's fucking ears goes up and it starts going right and it's fucking here. That's the fucking mode I'm in. And do you know, I watched this stupid LA cunt, all right, or whatever, transplant, not going to blame the city here, goes to make a left stops, okay, stops, there's somebody in the crosswalk. So the person stops, okay.

And then the traffic that's trying to drive through one person is making a right where that person's making the left. So they're waiting for the person to crosswalk and the other person is trying to make a left. So this person is not blocking because both people are turning once turning on the same street as the fucking lefty cunt and the other one's going the other direction. Do you know for whatever fucking reason, this asshole, like, I don't know what they did. They just, the person got through the crosswalk and then rather than going, and I'm like three cars back going, just go, fucking go.

You know what they did? You're never going to guess. They backed up and got back in line, backed up in fucking, what was it, 2007, nine years. Coming up on nine years of living out here, that is the most fucked up moron move I've ever seen. And you want to talk about not giving in a minute and absolutely losing your shit. I, I literally was in the car and went to you, fucking, fucking, and then said the word that isn't acceptable now anymore.

It used to mean you're a jerk. And also begins with an F. And then what I did was, you know, it was funny right after I did that, because I yelled and I had to do a show. I reached into my console and I put a loge in my mouth and I immediately laughed at myself and saw how ridiculous I was being. I really wish I could control my emotions more. I've never noticed because I grew around, I grew up around a bunch of fucking hotheads and I never realized like it's finally dawning on me as I approached the fucking half century

mock. It's finally dawning on me. What a weakness that is. Yeah, I, I know. And because it's just dawning on me now, I can't really articulate it. It's one of those, those, one of those moments. I'm trying to think of the Hollywood movie I've seen where somebody just gets caught up in their own fucking power and then halfway through it, they're like, wait, but we're

the victims, right? What the fuck movie was that? Oh, shit. Was this great movie where this guy was getting picked on and then he just took fucking control and then he started abusing his power and then the end, he just sort of kind of dawned on him that, wait a minute, I would, I'm right, right? Because he's, he's seen the fucking hurt that he caused other people and I want to say blows his brains out.

Ah, Jesus Christ, Bill, you know, this is what I got, if I had a dollar for every fucking movie I law, I'd forgot, you know, I'd have a good 250 bucks. All right, let's, let's read a little advertising here for this, for this Thursday afternoon. Headspace, man. All right, let's be honest. Most of your problems start with your mind, fear, anger, stress. Oh, Jesus, was I, was I not telling the perfect story? Fear, anger, stress, anxiety, depression, sleeplessness.

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By the way, did I mention? I told you guys earlier now, you know that I'm an old curmudgeon here. A middle-aged curmudgeon. I mean, I don't even know if I'm middle-aged at this point. 47 times 2 is 94. Not a lot of people get to 94. I'm an over-the-hill guy. Who's getting who?

Who can still bang out fucking 10 pull-ups? You're like that. Dice, dice, dice, dice, um. What am I saying here? Yeah, I'm one of these fucking people that I do not give it up to young people right out of the fucking gate. I don't give a fuck how good a game you had. I don't give a fuck how good a season you have.

I want to see the career. And you know, that whole Crownham King began somewhere at the beginning of Shaq's career that that fucking, you know, when you came into the league and you already had your own fucking sneaker. You know what I mean? So I never give it up to people until like, you know, and people going, Tom Brady is the greatest of all time. I still was going like, well, Joe Montana has four rings and it only took him four times to get it. He won with nobody's.

He won with superstar teams. All right. So until this guy does something above and beyond him, the best he can do is be on his level. I'm one of those guys having said that Steph Curry is the greatest fucking shooter of all time. I believe I already think that. So I made it a promise as a sports fan that I was going to try and see him this year. Well, I see him as soon as I can while he's still fucking young and he's in his prime. You know, you got to do that.

Like I saw Jordan when he still had hair, you know, so turns out I was hanging out at Lago last night doing the great Tom Papa's show down there and Al Madrigal from all things comedy. The creative force, the brains, the brawn behind all things comedy. He was down there and he's a he's a Bay Area guy and he watches every single Golden State Warriors game. And he said, you know what? He goes, the Warriors are in town this Saturday. So I woke up this morning. Ba-do-ba-do-boop.

I went on stub home boo-doo-doo-doo-doo and I paid through the fucking nose for two fucking great seats. Yeah, I'm going to go Saturday night. Fuck it. I got to see this guy and I'm going to get there early for the shoot around. So because I want to see him put on a shelf and I'm hearing people talking about how fucking unreal is just to watch the guy shoot around. And it's reminding me of when I went to a San Diego Padres game back in May of 1998. I remember me and this comedian, Dan Smith, another Boston guy, we went down there and

it was we saw Mach McGuire. And this is when they, you know, this is when they were, you know, going after the Roger Maris record, you know, and everybody was having Andrew Steen delivered to their house in their wife's name. I'm actually going to look it up. I'm going to find you the exact fucking date. San Diego Padres 1998 schedule. That's fucking hilarious that this still exists. There's some who the fuck looked this up today.

1998 San Diego Padres schedule. I remember it was May 20 something. Where the fuck was it? It was the Cadnals. Right. This is some fucking Jesus Christ. They have the games numbered rather than the date you fuck. Oh, there's the date.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So sorry. Come on. Where is it? Where is it? Right there. Right there, Fred. Go fuck yourself.

529 1998 or 530 or 531. It wasn't June. I remember it wasn't June. I went to one of those fucking games against the St. Louis Cardinals and we got there early and we watched Mark McGuire take batting practice. And if there's any footage of that, if you could have been there and watch the performance this man put on and you still think that performance enhancing drugs should be illegal, you're out of your fucking mind.

These people are special. These people are better than us. Okay. You know, when you take a Prius to the fucking gas station, do you put the fucking, do you put premium, super fucking the best gas? You don't. You give it the shit gas. Right. Do you pull up in a fucking super car?

You give it, you put the best fuel in it that you can. All right. And you know what it is? I don't think it sees athletes fall. I think it's the people in the crowd. We don't want to admit that we're, you know, we are. We're a bunch of Toyota Priuses. That's what we are bunch of Ford escorts. And we deserve that shit food that they feed us and fuel our bodies with as we sit there

and just getting the itis in the fifth inning from all the booze and fucking hot dogs. You wait. These fucking athletes, they're better than us. They're special. They need the high octane fuel and they should go out there and put on a fucking show and fill up our lives. Right. Anyways, I'll tell you right now, I would rather watch a fucking roided up athlete take

batting practice than watching all natural one break down at 35 and remind me that I'm going to die someday. You know what I mean? I want him to be super human. I want their head to be three times the size it was before they started their career. Fuck that. Those people, their heroes, they're using themselves as guinea pigs. They put that shit in their body.

They didn't know what the fuck it was. They didn't know what the fuck it was because they wanted to make you happy. They wanted to hear you cheer. Right. They wanted to see your little kid go, boy, oh boy, this is the greatest time ever. And then they wanted to go out and have their choice of pussy after the game. Top shelf, high octane fucking Victoria's secret pussy. And they goddamn it.

They earned it. All right. You walking around letting somebody shoot horse, horse, tranquilizers into your fucking ass, you know, and then what do you get? What do you get? What do you get to as a thank you? You got to sit in front of the Senate. They make you cry.

If I was running this nation, no, I swear to God, I love that. I love to use performance enhancing drugs. And I hope they continue to do it because as much as people are condemning it, we learn things by them using them. And eventually they're going to figure out how to make them safe. And when I'm old, when I'm old and you guys go to see me at a casino when I am 94 and I am fucking jacked with a full head of fucking hair, you can thank the Mark McGuire's.

Okay. You can thank the fuck and the other whoever the fuck else took it. I don't know who the fuck I don't who gives a shit. You can thank Peyton Manning's wife. All right. If she didn't blow out her fucking shoulder, taking those cookies out of the oven and she didn't need that shit. God damn it.

Can somebody please make a picture of me at 94 jacked with the full head of hair. We're in a tuxedo playing the stardust cheering on the Vegas. Yeah. Shut the fuck up Bill. All right. That's the end of the podcast here. Everybody have a wonderful weekend. I'm going to make a little video of my new door locks when I get them in there and I'll

be excited about it and you guys can shit all over it because it's the internet. All right. Fuck you too. Last night, I was sitting on the couch, but I was watching Metal Mania on VH1 Metal Mania Cleo. I think my dog is sleeping with with his eyes open. Oh no. She just moved her eyebrows.

Dude. What the fuck did you just go? Cleo, whatever you think it about, it's going to be okay. All right. Anyways, it's weird when my dog sees a squirrel through a window, it cries like it's a long lost buddy. But if my dog is outside and there's a squirrel, you know, if there's no window between my dog and the squirrel, it will try and rip its fucking head off.

So I don't, does anybody know anything about dogs? What is it crying about? Is it crying like, I want to rip its head off. I wish I could just end that thing's fucking life. You don't make any sense to me. Anyway, so I'm watching fucking Metal Mania, alliteration. This has got to be a hit show, right? So I'm watching this shit and at the risk of pissing off a lot of listeners, I think

most metal slash hair metal, it arguably is the worst fucking music ever made. Worse than disco. I don't know why disco gets such a bad rap. Like disco is the default example of bad music. The way Hitler is the default example of evil. Dude, he's the next Hitler. It's always the next fucking Hitler. Never pull pot.

You know, never fucking, I don't know, pick another, I don't even know another one. You know, Ivan the Terrible, was that a wrestler? Or was that a comic strip? I don't, horrible haggar, I don't fucking know. Right? See, I don't even have any other examples. Who's fault is that? Build is a library right down the street.

Oh, go fuck yourself. You know what I'm saying? Everybody always talks about disco and how bad disco was and it just needed to be a change, man. Right? And like, then they'll talk about like the police and all this new wave shit and the punk scene and all that. But what they completely fucking ignore is that right after disco, just immediately the

mainstream then went over to like this fucking heavy metal music. Like that was better than disco. I think it's fucking worse. And I think all these times where they keep saying that everybody, there was a big change and that this quality music came out. I don't know if that happens. I think it just, you know, you know, Nirvana comes around and then what, four years later everybody's listening to fucking Ota or the mainstream is.

It's just this long, tragic, just flat line of shit music. I was watching the shit last night, shit that I used to like and my jaw was on the ground how fucking bad it was. It was horrible. I actually, it was so bad I was like texting paragraphs to the sensation, Joe DeRosa. Capital records. The guy who built capital records, Joe DeRosa. Actually, you go, well, I'll get a little intimate here with you.

I'll read you the text message. I fucking wrote Joe. Oh, Joe, where the hell are we? Where the hell are we? Joe, hair slash heavy metal is the worst music ever made. Disco gets a bad rap. Watching Metal Mania on VH1, Guns N' Roses, Queens Reich, Wasp, Quiet Riot, David Lee Roth, solo shit.

It's fucking God awful. Yeah, I saw David Lee Roth on his Eat Him and Smile tour and I saw that video last night going crazy from the heat. That sounds like a song Wahlberg's character would have written with John C. Riley and Boogie Nights. Remember that? He will rock you and he will roll you. It was that bad.

Teenage Frankenstein. I'm a teenage Frankenstein. You're telling me that that song is better than More Than A Woman? More Than A Woman. More Than A Woman To Me. You know, I think arguably it's, I don't know, I can't believe the shit that I used to watch and like, I used to listen to this shit around chicks, you know, just hopelessly thinking that this would get me laid like they would think that I was some badass, like loner.

Bang your head. I mean, the whole fucking, the fact that I never got laid in high school, it just fucking went away right in that moment. He was like, this is what I was going to do. I wasn't going to try to make him laugh. I wasn't going to hit on him. I wasn't going to try to, I was just going to play this music around him and this was going to bring me to the fucking promised land looking like a fucking teenage Ron Howard.

That was my game plan. Is it any wonder I failed? Jesus Christ. And I remember I would be watching it on a big square TV. Lay it down, lay it down, this fucking horrific fucking music and my dad would come in and just have his face would just be all twisted up, going, Jesus Christ, what the fuck are you listening to? You like this shit?

And I thought I was a rebel. I mean, he doesn't understand, man. You know what? He totally understood. He totally understood. My dad called it back in 83 called it jungle music says a bunch of shit told me straight up came and he was like, son, this music you're listening to is fucking horrible. And there was all these shout at the devil.

Is anybody really going to sit there and defend that fucking song? Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. You couldn't find it. You could fucking a five year old could write that on a xylophone. Shout at the devil. Never knew why we were shouting, you know, Blackie Lawless, Blackie Lawless. That was his show name.

And he took a radial arm saw and he cut the blade in half and put one hat, one blade on one of his forearms and one on the other on these leather. I'm going to do a bunch of dishes in an evil way gloves and we all thought he was crazy. Dude, can you imagine if he gave you a forearm shiver? It was just, it used to throw fucking raw meat into the crowd. A couple of them did that. That's why that lady Gaga covered her clam in that fucking pastrami. It's just been done, you know, comes out in that fucking egg from Mork.

I don't know. I've seen the nasally horror act my whole fucking life, you know, those fucking chicks with the big noses, they, they can, you know, that's like white people's answer to the big black girl who can sing in church. We, we, what, what the, what the chick we bring to that fight is the, it's the white chick with the big nose, white chicks with big noses can sing. I don't know what it is, Barbara Streisand, it's a riot to stick, right? I don't know.

It's like their nose is, it's like that dome at the top of all those con, con, uh, concert halls. There you go, Bill. Try to spit it out, you dumb fuck, but, um, I want some emails people. I want people try to tell me how, uh, round and round love will find a way to give a time. Tell me the musical validity that that has over like disco, that all those people probably at Kamiski Park, when they blew up those disco records, like fucking five, six years later, that's what they were listening to.

Nobody's food, nobody's food, nobody's food, I'm no food. That was a hit. That was a hit in the eighties. Wow. Do I owe my dad an apology? I just, I was sitting there just one video after a queen's rike. I mean, all this stuff that I thought was just fucking unbelievable. You know what?

I'm going to get emails this week. It's like, I don't know what it's going to be. It's going to be like people either going to be like, yes, absolutely. This is going to be, there's going to be no middle ground. People are going to 100% agree with me or, uh, I'm going to get punched in the face by Eddie trunk. I just, I was taking a back. I mean, I haven't seen those videos in fucking forever.

Okay. I'll go back and I'll look at some old videos, but I mean a lot of it was like AC DC, like shit they can like, you know, I mean, back in black is timeless. There's some timeless shit in there. You know, I even watched that guns and roses. Sweet child of mine. I thought, I thought it was horrible and that little fucking shimsham dance he was doing it.

It's just was, oh, and then the emotion he tried to have in the end right and they kind of closed his eyes like, ah, I really went somewhere when I was just fucking horrible. You know, I was right there. I helped hold it up deaf leopard, poor, some sugar on me. I hated that when that fucking came out and all the ladies liked it and he came out in his acid wash jeans. I actually saw him on that tour. Didn't I?

Yeah. Reynolds Coliseum and Tesla opened up Tesla, which I didn't think they were that bad. They weren't that bad. I don't know. I thought you're supposed to go back and listen to the fucking music of, uh, of your youth being like, wow, that stuff was all, that was awesome, man. Remember that? And then, you know, that was the first time I tried blow, you know, reminiscent.

The first time I ever saw cocaine, uh, saw it and saw it being done was, uh, at the Providence Civic Center. I saw ACDC on the Who Made Who Tour with loudness, the Japanese heavy metal band that couldn't speak any English yet sang in English. Um, I just can't imagine the disconnect as you, I can't imagine like memorizing a bunch of Japanese and going and over there and just singing it and then not knowing what the fuck I was saying, going out there and everybody, I have no idea what I just said. T-shirts of 20 bucks.

Did I just say that? Or did I say, are you ready to rock? I have no fucking idea. Um, anyways, so I saw them, they opened up and, uh, anyways, we're out in the parking lot and we're drinking beer, sticking, we're crazy. Driving of course, because it's the 80s. This is right around before, right before Mad kicked in, they used to bring like wreckage from a fatal drug driving accident.

Did anybody else's high school do that? They actually brought a car from a fatal drug driving, uh, accident and they dragged it onto the lawn of our campus. You want to call it a campus, a little island with a tree, they just left it there and we all just stared at it, trying to figure out how many people in the car, how many people died and then we just walked away like, you know, and you're young, you don't give a fuck, 10 minutes later you're talking about, dude, I'm getting fucking wrecked tonight, wrecked. That was the word.

Getting wrecked, getting destroyed, hammered, right? So anyways, we're driving down there, beer between your legs as you do, it's the 80s, you know, you fucking lifted weights all that week, never, all of it above the waist, curls fucking benching, shoulders, nobody did squats in the 80s, nobody did, right? So you got your fucking tight 501 blues on with your little pencil fucking legs and then you overdeveloped upper body, your stupid gold chain and you had a beer between your legs, that's how you did it. So we're fucking going down, they were probably on eight apiece, fucking hammered, uh, I was

driving this piece of shit, 83 Ford Ranger, I got like five fucking drunk friends in the back, which was still not even grounds to get and pulled over, you could just have people in the back, like you were bringing fucking turkeys off to slaughter. Nobody gave a shit, right? So we pull in and right as I pulled up and I got a parking spot, there was this kid, he had his door open and he kind of had like a Sammy Hagar meets John Fogany haircut blonde hair. I remember he fucking did a line right as I was pulling up and I had fortunately had

my window up and he saw me and he saw we all had ACDC T-shirts on or whatever and he just got out of the car was just like screaming, it's like a haunted house right up to the fucking window. And I was just trying to take it all in like, okay, he just, how am I supposed to behave around somebody with, with who's on coke? Does this guy have like, you know, Hulk strength right now? Is he going to tip over the truck? Um, anyways, that was the first, that was the first time I saw a blow.

I didn't even know what the point of all that was. I was just shocked. Look, I know it wasn't all bad, like this, the early Metallica, you know, right through injustice for all. I know that that stuff was great, but I'll tell you, it is slim fucking pickings, my friends, slim pickings. Um, uh, I don't even, I didn't know what to tell you. I mean, I even go back sometimes, I try to listen to appetite for destruction.

I know that's this, this watershed fucking moment in that music with some of those fucking songs. They're out to get me, so you can suck me, take that one to heart, kill yourself. Um, all right, that ought to get me a lot of fucking criticism. The 1980s, the fucking 80s. Did I nail it though? By the way, everyone had the 501 blues. Remember that button fly dude.

I washed them three times and your nuts couldn't breathe. You know, and you wonder why you got all these fucking crazy kids that need to be on drugs now. Hey, what is worse, hair metal or some of that fucking patriotic country music post 9 11, what is worse to you? What is more cringe worthy? You know, um, shout at the devil or that, that Toby Keith uncle Sam's gonna put a boot in your ass.

Um, oh my God, every dime that guy made in that song should have been thrown in his face and then given to the troops or something else or just, and then the partial of it would be to incinerate any record that that, that track was ever recorded. The most pandering horseshit you could ever come out with. Oh, but I'm pissing you guys off too much by fucking trash and all that metal shit. You know, I have half those t-shirts and I went to go see the, I was just embarrassed by some of that shit that I used to listen to. Um, oh Jesus, right up until I was like 2021 fucking brutal, what, what, what, what redeemable

thing that I have. I did listen to the Beatles, the doors, the stones, all that white boy shit, Stevie Ray Vaughn. I did listen to Hendrix. I listened to all the big band swing through my dad shift from the fifties. I had such a weird musical upbringing anyways, which was actually good because it was kind of all over the map. Um, I started hanging out with Patrice back in the day.

Patrice was the one, rest his soul, got me the, uh, I still remember when he got in that same piece of shit truck that I went to the AC DC concert and seven fucking years later I'm still driving it, right? Making the sacrifices. Remember that? I told you, you don't get some fucking job and go out and buy a fucking new car. You just change yourself to your cubicle. I always kept my, I put a new engine in the fucking truck.

Had somebody slapped that in there for 1200 bucks, pay that down rather than 12 grand for a new car like it was back then. Um, so anyways, I still remember, um, swinging by picking Patrice up and going into Nix and he had the cassette tape of ready, uh, ready to die and him putting that in, um, telling me that this guy was going to be the next guy and then through all of that, like he cured me of all the rap that a white kid liked who lived in a cul-de-sac, um, and he showed me all, all of that shit. So I had that whole background, all that stuff fucking held up, but the fucking metal that

I listened to, I even watched like Lawrence Welk when I was a kid. When the creepiest shows ever, even that was fucking thrown in there. It was funny, like fucking almost 40 years later, I'll be walking down the street and all of a sudden Winchester Cathedral will be going through my head. Winchester Cathedral, bo-do-do-do-do-do, yeah, bringin' me down, am I really gonna sing this? You coulda done something, my baby lift and whip, and if ever first you'd be the last one. Oh my god, here's one for you guys.

My boyfriend wants to have his foreskin restored. By the way, how fresh and new are these, uh, these emails here? Just because it's coming from the female perspective. I love this shit, all right? Not sayin' I want guys to email in, but I would like to have a nice balance here. I already say enough shit trash in women, so it helps if women come in trashin' guys because, uh, you know, it'll be a nice balance here. All right, my boyfriend wants to have his foreskin restored.

Dear Bill, I wanted to get your take on a situation in with my current boyfriend. Uh, I'm a girl, all right. A few weeks ago, my boyfriend of two years told me that he's become totally upset that he's circumcised and wants to restore his foreskin via taping and stretching methods. What? And basically why he wants to do this is because everybody, they say that, um, intercourse, you lose like, I don't know, some percentage of sensitivity, um, when you have your foreskin removed and, um, all I can say is no guy can tell the difference, whether he has a foreskin

or whether he doesn't, because unless you got laid when you were fuckin' six weeks old, you don't know what you're gaining or what you're missing. So I don't understand why you would do this. So by restore his foreskin via taping and stretching methods, she goes, I know, I know, it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. I wanted to tell him, I think he's out of his mind, uh, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. The thing is I'm totally grossed out by the idea of foreskin.

Penises are gross enough already. There's no need to make it even grosser. You know what? Am I the only guy that totally agrees with that? Is there anything more fuckin' disgusting than a fuckin' flaccid foreskin covered dick? I don't even know what it looks like. It looks like a fuckin', I don't know what it looks like. It's just fuckin' disgusting.

I don't even have a reference. Looks like an elephant dick. I don't even know what, it's just gross, it's fuckin' disgusting. She goes, obviously I can't tell him how I feel. He's clearly having a really hard time with this. He tells me that he feels violated and disfigured. This guy's a pussy. Just throw this guy into the fuckin' pussy bin and get on with your life.

He also claims that foreskins has a lot of advantage for both partners, but it's hard for me to totally buy that considering the fact I have slept with a couple uncircumcised guy and I didn't notice any extra pleasure, although I did use a condom with both guys. Yeah, he's full of shit. He's full of shit. It may be more pleasure for him. I don't know what. I mean, I think it's amazing that women will put a dick in their mouths.

You know, the least you can do is try and tidy up down there. You know, how about have a fuckin' empathy? I mean, that's just disgusting. It's just fuckin' extra skin. Yeah, nothin' more sexier than extra skin. Yeah, yeah, it's like your dick used to be obese and then lost a ton of weight but didn't have enough money to have that surgery to get rid of the extra. Ah, that's gross.

There's another two paragraphs, people, just preparing you for another two paragraphs of having an uncircumcised stretch-taped dick in your head. Anyway, I think it's absolutely disgusting and totally weird that he wants to do this and I'm starting to get really turned off by the idea of sleeping with him while he's stretching out his foreskin. He told me he's going to tape it to an elastic strap, which he's going to tie around his leg. I know, what the fuck.

Is he just coming up with this shit on his own? I told him that he should see a doctor before he starts to do this but he doesn't want, but he doesn't think that doctors know much about this sort of thing. Oh, so he's just gonna take it in his own hands. Ah, congratulations, sweetheart. You're dating a fuckin' moron. Come on. This is the father of your children.

Coming up with, you know, taking an erector set to his fuckin' dick. Do I have to finish reading this? I'm thinking of breaking it off with him. Really? Of course you are. I thought he was a normal guy but I had no idea he had all this freaky shit going on underneath the surface. Anyways, what do you think about all of this?

You gotta go LL Cool J. He's just gonna do what he did. You're stretching out your fuckin' dick. I know I said I'd be true, you're stretching out your fuckin' dick, so I'm leaving you. Go fuck yourself. It's over. Yeah, fuckin' gross. Anyway, what do you think of all this and my justified dumping him away?

That make me an insensitive cunt. No, it would make you a strong person. Alright? Go with your gut on this one. This guy is trying to do the impossible, like he said, fuckin' scientist in that Michael J. Fox movie, Back to the Future. He's basically, you know, doin' the DeLorean bullshit with his dick and he doesn't wanna go see a doctor.

And any doctor would tell him, you can't do that. You know what would be funny? That was if you dumped this guy, right? And it actually works. And then he starts screaming like Billy Mays on TV with his dick stretcher. And he sells it for $19.95. It makes a zillion dollars. I'm just playing devil's advocate here, you know?

There's a 99% chance you're doing the right thing, but there is a 1% chance you could be walking away from a potential millionaire. Cause I gotta be honest with you, if that guy actually pulls this off, no pun intended, he pulls this off and he's able to do it with some household material. And then he, you know, they already make millions of dollars with those pills that say they're gonna make your dick bigger, which we all know it doesn't work. Because if it fuckin' worked, that would be an international story. And then it still wouldn't work because then what would happen was everybody would take

big dick pills, even guys with big dicks, because they don't want everybody else catching up with them. So then having a little dick would then be like having a six inch dick as opposed to a three inch, four inch dick, right? Does the math work out on that? Or you get bumped up. You got a six, seven inch dick, you just, you're just regular. No, you're actually not regular, you'd have a little dick.

So if this guy actually fuckin' is able to pull this, that doesn't even make sense. He's going, if he thought he was disfigured now, wait till he tries to fuckin' do this. I mean, his dick is gonna look like, you know, when those people put that shit in their earlobes, they put those fuckin', those circular things, you could shoot a goddamn fuckin' bow and arrow through somebody's earlobe and not draw any blood. He's gonna do that to his dick, except he's not gonna have that thing in there and it's just gonna be hanging, all right Bill, we got it, it's disgusting. Watching shadows move across the wall feels so bright, Bill.

I wanna run to you, I won't call, but I've been hit by lightning. Just can't stand up for farther apart, can't see through the spell across my heart. Over you, you'll always be the one. You were the first to be left. I'm underrated, overrated underrated for this week. Overrated, fuckin' voicemails. Leaving them is the most awkward thing. I've always said that I'm terrible at leaving them, but whenever I say that everyone else

always says it too. So I'm putting my foot down on the issue and calling it right now. Leaving a message for someone on the phone sucks. There's no way to start your message normally without sounding like a douche. And then five minutes later you realize you've been trailing on and on while saying, uh, mom, too many times, making you wanna kill yourself, ending with the inevitable, uh, okay, thanks, bye. Reminding them that you're still a douche, fuckin' awful.

Dude, this is something that's really like an epidemic in this young generation. Is everybody just feeling awkward and feeling like a douche? I don't know what happened to you guys. I think this last generation of fathers, they flipped like, I'm not gonna beat the shit out of my kid, not hug him and never tell him that I, that I, that I love him. Uh, you know, I'm gonna do all of that shit and you end up with these people who can't even fuckin' leave voicemails. What is so awkward? You know?

I, you know what, I have a hard time getting off the phone. I forget, I forget what I used to say. But I don't feel awkward. Well, I just feel like an idiot, I guess, so I guess I kinda relate. I just go, alright, that's it, I'm outta here. I will say that, but leaving a message, I like leaving messages. I sing on people's voicemails. You know, whenever I call up fuckin' Bobby, Bobby Kelly, or fuckin' Joey Roses,

I call him up and I'll just, immediately I'll just, whatever comes to my mind, I'll just start singing. Who's the cunt that I love the most? Who's that fucker who eats the toast? It's Joey. He's such a big fag. DeRosa, what's going on? It's Bill, give me a call back, you cunt. Click, that's it.

Why don't you try singing? You can do it for anybody. Hey, Mom, what's up, you sweetie? Thanks for havin' me 40 years ago. I sent you some flowers, you didn't call me. Do you like my siblings better than me? Click. Right, why don't you do that?

Try that, sir, try singing first. Alright, underrated, overrated, underrated, sitting down to pee if you're a guy. Uh, is it that, how old are you? Is it that hard to stand up? What is wrong with this fuckin' generation of guys? You know, sitting down to pee, it's actually easier. You don't get varicose veins from all those years of standing. There's nothing better than just pullin' out your dick and just fuckin' peein' all over everything.

You know, you fuckin' shootin' the toilet paper around, it's fuckin' good time. Um, anyways, it says the guy who drives a fuckin' hybrid. Um, anyways, there are many benefits to being a guy and sitting down to pee, such as not having to hear your chick complain about peeing on the seat, even though it's on the fuckin' top of the bowl and it's not actually the seat. Yep, here's a guy. He's literally sitting down to pee so his girlfriend will stop yelling at him. Okay?

I don't know what happened, people. A hundred years ago, we could hit him with mop handles and I don't know what happened. They got organized and we didn't. And now we're sitting down to pee just so they'll stop yelling at us. Um, alright, number two, if you like me, if you're like me and you wake up to pee at night, you don't have to fuck with your eyes and turn on the bathroom lights to aim. Oh, dude, you're taking all the fun out of it. That's how you train your ear.

Alright, that sounds like the back of the bowl. Where's the water? That's the floor. There it is! One small step. Um, number three, not bending down to lift up the seat. Oh, you know what, dude, you're a fuckin' pansy. Not bending down to clean off the seat.

Less bending in general. Why don't you just bend over and suck your own dick as you sit on the bowl, you fuckin' douche? Fuck that guy. Peeing, sitting down. You know, ugh. What else, sir? What else is overrated? Lifting weights.

Um... Owning a gun, chewing tobacco, eating steak. What else? Drinking scotch, smoking cigars. Fixing your own car. What else, sir? What else is fuckin' overrated? Everything that makes being a guy fuckin' awesome.

Losing your shit because some guy you don't know, Mr. Fieldgoal, that really has no effect on your life. Talking shit. Is that all overrated? Lee Movin? Yeah. The only thing that saved you, sir, is you didn't leave your name. So that's the only thing that I can say is I can at least see that there was sort of some sort of shame

in your email. I'm going crazy. I'm losing sleep. I've leeched far. I've been way too deep. Oh, I'm gonna lull you to sleep. Well, delicious. I'm gonna lull you to sleep.

I'm gonna lull you to sleep. I'm gonna lull you to sleep. I'm gonna lull you to sleep. I've leeched far. I've been way too deep over you. You'll always be the one. You were the first to be glad. Wherever you go, I'll be with you.

Wherever you want, I'll give it to you. Wherever you need someone to lay your heart in pain. Remember after the fire, after all the way, I will be the day. I will be the day. Whatever you want, I'll give it to you. Wherever you go, I'll be with you. Wherever you want, I'll give it to you.

Wherever you want, I'll give it to you.