Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-18-21 w. Wolf Van Halen

Episode Date: February 19, 2021

Bill rambles with with Wolf Van Halen about guitar lessons from his dad, the guy in the Dream Theater shirt, and making his new album.

Hey, what's going on everybody? Welcome to another episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast I am just checking in on you. You're probably wondering. Well, hey, man, like it's usually audio only Why are you sitting here with your sky blue background because I have a very special guest honored to have the amazingly talented Wolfgang Van Halen on the podcast What's going on, man? What's going on? Thanks for having me. This is a this is a trip Dude, that's you you're sitting in arguably probably the coolest room. I've ever seen It's like it's not enough that you got drums And the guitars and was at a Marshall stack. You also got the red lighting there. You got blue going on

It's a hell of a setup over there. It'll look really nice and you decided to fly into the sky for me Well, you know what it was is I usually use this stupid black background that for some reason has these dandruff marks On it, but then I also wore a black shirt And we were trying to figure out how to do it and was going open up your shirt more which it's weird Then I'm like blindingly white. I kind of look like a yin-yang sign with my white skin and the black shirt. So anyway, I Can't tell you what an honor it is to have you on this podcast. I saw you in 2007 at the Staples Center And uh, totally kicked ass. It's just an amazing show

and uh I remember what I remember from that show was forever. I had always I'm a you know drum geek. I always wondered if alex played Was it mean streets if he played that hi-hat with one hand or two I got a bunny mind claims the studio version was one hand. I'm like, how could you play it that fast? I'm I'm pretty sure the studio is one hand like every now and then I think it's just depending on how his hands feel Does he do either way? But I I think on the On on fair warning. It's with one hand The mystery solved because guess what dude? I went to the bathroom because I was drinking back then

So I'm in the bathroom stall And I hit that And I was looking at the stall and I go, oh, no, like I was gonna take like a five minute piss And then some guy who was washing his hand goes. Oh, no Like mark me and I felt like an asshole So anyway, all right, so you answered my drum greed question, which I was gonna save until the end But we are here to talk about the way Um, your new album that's out. That's I'm sorry. Not that is is gonna be coming out

Uh, let me let me just read this thing so I don't screw up Your band mammoth Okay, mammoth, uh, it's set to release self-titled debut album on june 11th day after my birthday Via x1 records now available for pre-order on found dot e slash mammoth wvh and um Dude, I gotta tell you man The tracks that I heard so far

Absolutely killer. You have your own sound It was completely not what I expected and um Then I was reading the the whole release on it that you played all the instruments and sang Every note on it And by the way, dude, your voice is ridiculous. Thank you

Especially when you get up into those higher registered you're making me a little emotional man. You're you're an incredible singer So I got to ask was with your parents. Was there music on both sides? Not really. Uh, it was kind of mostly on on my dad's side That's amazing because I was sitting there because usually, you know Like if if somebody this is what I always compared to like Michael Jordan's kids They're like, well, how come Michael Jordan's kids never made it to the nba? It's like well because He he he's half Michael like it's like drugs that have been stepped on like he bred with the wife Oh

Now instead of being six six two, he's all you know, he's only like five ten five eleven He can't go to his left In opposites attract so I figured jordan may be married some clumsy woman and that's what ended up happening but I was so just blown away with um Um, first of all the the first one that came out was a distance. Yeah, um, sorry. I got my shit all over the place here Uh Let me don't worry about dude. We've you've been on this podcast for like 20 minutes

Watching me trying to click links to songs that I couldn't get to open And everybody else could listen to them and then all of a sudden I was coming up. It's like do you have a password? Like what is the password? It's just like how come nobody else has to give out a password So just want to make sure I get the name of the second song, right? Uh, you're to blame Now that's the one when I first listened to it. I thought it was in an odd time Of the the phrasing on guitar And I had to listen to it for half a second and I just had to snap to the snare. I'm like, no, this isn't four Um had a little bit of tool kind of vibe to it. Um, so how does one person?

First of all, how the hell did you learn how to play all of those instruments that well? Thank you. Um Most people would Most most people immediately go like, oh, well, he had a good teacher And uh, that's not true. My dad was a terrible teacher I have a drink. I have a great drum teacher and I suck I know I know I know Dave. He's he's a buddy Okay, so um, how would so how would he go about?

One of the main one of the main things my dad taught me um for drums, which is the first thing I learned was he He put a couple magazines on a table and with one he made me do like eighth notes and the other one do a snare Right, like if you do your foot in between the beat that the snare is doing it That's like you can you can play highway to hell right now, right? As soon as he realized I could do it. He was like Fuck yes, and he got he got me a drum kit for my birthday um, and then I played

uh To van Halen best of volume one and enema of the state by blink 182 until I could figure out how to How to play and I just kind of took it from there And so it's almost like my dad just gave me a little nudge with everything But then I kind of Figured everything out as I went on Yeah, because I got two kids now And uh, my daughter actually when she wants to she's only like four, you know

When did you start? Uh nine ten ish Oh, okay. Good. All right. I'm jumping the gun because that was one of the questions I was going to ask you like how do I expose my kids to music Without forcing My failed rock star dream on them and he never forced it on me It was kind of like he could see that if I was listening to a song I could tap to the beat properly He was like, okay. He's he's got it, you know

But uh, it wasn't till I was nine or ten Okay, so I am jumping the gun because she wants she's all about her scooter And her balance bike and I'll be like, hey, you want to go into I got a little soundproof thing in the garage You want to go in the garage and play drums and uh, she's just like No, I don't I don't think I want to so when you're doing all of this stuff yourself like Like what what is your main instrument because you kind of you just rip on everything I started on drums

So I'd like to even though I've never played technically in a band live on the drums I'd like to think that it's my main instrument Who know who your biggest influences on drums? Obviously al you know my uncle uh, but you know everyone but for like john bonham, uh, danie harry Uh, uh, gavin harrison and drummer for yeah porcupine tree. Yeah I went through a whole phase with him Yeah, you got that cool setup. He's got the three racks and the two floors and all the stuff and those Symbol accents he has just the kind of drummers where it's like you can't even contain their awesomeness

On cd like they're even better live. That's gavin harrison for sure So have you ever written a song where you came up with like the drums? Anything on this album where you just come up with like a killer groove And you're like, oh man, I gotta record this and then I gotta Like because it always seems like everything is either starts on piano Or then or it's it's it's it goes it's or it's a guitar riff. Yeah, I never hear somebody like oh Oh, you know this guy just playing a killer drum beat and I heard a whole song Usually it for me. I'm just like noodling around on my acoustic guitar

And then it's like, oh, this is cool. And then I go upstairs and go on the logic and dial in some sounds and Come up with like a scratch drum track and record a little thing And then I just kind of listen to that over and over again until I figure out where I wanted to go Now is that like a thing? Do you uh, when you come up with something because I find this with like writing Like I'll write something like a script And I'll be like, dude, this is hilarious. I'm gonna sell this. This is gonna be the shit and then like I get busy And I come back and I read it and it's like somebody else wrote it

And I'm like, what is this shit? I don't even know what the rhythm because like writers you read it Like it's all fresh and you had the rhythm of how everything goes and then it's like somebody gave it to you I and I can't hear the the writer's voice anymore. And I'm like this sucks I can't believe I was gonna send this out to somebody is writing a song Anywhere like that. Oh super similar. I think, uh, you know, sometimes you just you have an idea you like and then you come back to And you're like, wait, that's that's fucking terrible. Uh, but I think a big thing is that like Sometimes if you're writing something and you get stuck

You can't push it like there were a handful of times on the album where I just couldn't figure out the right lyric for like a chorus or something After an hour or two of trying I just kind of gave up and I was like, I'll come back to it later And more often than not, I'd come back to it and figure it out right away Right, or you yeah, you're going driving down the street. You're like, oh shit You only beat your head against the wall for so long How long did now how that because that's a very mature Point to get to somebody creating like how long did it take you to get When you were younger, would you just sit in like just lose a weekend trying to come up with two

Yeah, it it took a really long time. I mean, I started writing for this album. That's gonna come out in june When I got off the second van Halen tour I was a part of so in 2013 So wow It's like now was that due to like, you know Were you busy in your personal life or a lot of different things? You know, I was just it was taking me a while to figure out who I wanted to be as my own artist And then there was the the van Halen tour in 2015 And then I really slowed down around 16 up until now because of everything that happened with my dad, right

and now what was it like as far as like Because you know as we all know anybody who ever anybody who's been on the internet It's not the nicest place It is like there's some funny things like I am so sick of them Just building up joe six pack. It's like are you reading what joe six pack is writing? I mean, it's something like and there was like, you know, these people in the public I really need to be taken down a notch. It's like believe me. It's happening I I got a uh, I got a documentary that I helped produce with all things comedy

comedy central and Fondue Carlo about patrice O'Neill So I all I did was just say it was coming out and like an asshole I go, you know what? I'm gonna check in on the comments now most of them were positive But you know those aren't the ones that sticks with you and some asshole wrote like, uh I don't know. I because he watched the trailers like I don't know. I feel like I've already seen this before

You know, I hope it goes deeper And uh, you know, what I've already seen it's like no, no, we did a superficial one We tried to make it as cheesy as possible. It's like dude, you are already shitting on it Before you've been seeing it Well, that's I get that all the time. I mean just all the time I've been dealing with that shit like even recently Somebody commented on one of the four second teasers I posted and was like sounds like everything else It's like, oh wow, you can really judge a whole album by four seconds Although you go and name that tune man, you'd win a whole bunch of money

I think but it turns into a game for me. Most people are always like When I interact with with the shit People message me and they're like, hey man, don't do that. That's you know, you when you feed it You know, it comes back to bite in and only comes back stronger and it's like I've been here for a while and it has not gone away So I'm gonna entertain myself and make jokes about it and point it out and shit like that Like yeah, it's it's almost like a puzzle like I remember a couple years ago. I put one of my favorite troll moments was like

Uh, it was a picture of my dad and I we were at six flags. We were flipping off the camera And it was just I maybe it was his birthday or something posted and somebody was like, yeah, except uh One is the fucking legend and the other one's just an okay backup musician And I quoted it and I said, hey My dad is more than just an okay backup musician It's it's like it's gotta try and figure out how to how to make make yourself laugh out of it or else I know do you know how many times I've started to respond and my fingers quivering getting ready to hit send them like, you know I just walk away. Oh, there are so many times where I've posted something I'm like

That may have been a mistake, but we'll deal with that's a problem for future. We'll see Yeah Well, I I think, you know, I've always wondered how um People like, uh, you know, I watched like like Jason Bonham You know, I'm old man. So I remember when he came out with his band Bonham way back in the day and it was just like And I remember reading the articles and he was like into Stuart Copeland and all of these guys a lot of these guys that hit after his dad had passed

And everyone wanted him That was sort of trying to steer him into This thing You know, hey, just go do what you know What your dad did it's like no, I am a I am Completely aware Like, um Did you have to talk to anybody?

Because you you have a really chill cool vibe. So I like I don't know if you just naturally like that Like, how do you not let um I mean, because nobody loves failure more than someone who's never achieved something So they just are like, they're almost like, please fuck this up. Please fuck this up I mean, I just I've dealt with it for so, I mean I mean, I I was I joined Van Halen in in in 2006. Right. So I think that's about 13 plus issues of being in in that Lime light of that fun that fun spot. Yeah, but people hey, let's take our day out on wolf

exactly so at a certain point I just like I guess the The callous is builds up and you and you get ready to kind of like bounce it off and make a couple jokes about it um, but yeah, I mean, it's I I went to therapy for a couple years and you just kind of You get the tools you need to kind of laugh shit off. I mean, that's not the entire reason why I Have fun with comments and stuff, but That was more personal because I've seen you make a few comments. It's like I think the self deprecating We probably shouldn't be like reading from the playbook here

On this. This is how I do it. You know what that reminds me of is people who have guns in their houses And then they go on the radio. So like, you know, I got a shotgun right over the fucking kitchen door I got two blah blah. It's like, yeah, it's great buddy Let him know what he needs to bring and where it is. I don't need to bring a gun I just got to get to that shotgun above the fucking door before he does um so when you were, uh Going through this whole thing there must have been a point

Where you were going like am I ever going to get this this damn thing done? Yeah, I mean, there were so many moments that it was kind of Like I was in my own way like it took me a really long time to figure out how to How to write lyrics and that was a big hold up for me. Like the music came pretty quickly um but by the time It was time to record lyrics

It was like I only had had a couple songs done that I was really happy with And my producer was like, we're not ready. Like we finished recording these five songs and we have a bunch left, but it's like We don't we don't have it yet. So right or and since my producer's schedule is so busy There are a handful of moments where it's like, all right, I've got time and it's like, I don't have the lyrics yet It's like, okay. I'll see you in a couple months right And there was you know, maybe a year and a half of that time that kind of just like Did nothing and then by the well, what would that be like that feeling when he would say

All right, I'll see you another couple months. You just like Yeah, I was just like Fuck although there was one time where we were ready to go and I was gonna fly to him in in Orlando and uh, Hurricane Irma Fuck that shit up for me. So it was I was finally ready and it was like god damn it fucking clouds right Is there is now did you ever during this whole process? Like was like seven years for this whole thing to get going, right?

Yeah Dude, it took me like 20 years to get through college. Don't beat yourself up here. Um, this was my college That's what I like. Hey, like I didn't go to college, but I I I guess uh, this I can call this Yeah, I think you went to college and then a little bit of law school Maybe a year at med school with seven years, but like, um Is there any was there any time what was the reason that you decided to do it all yourself and not Go out and audition a band and um, I wanted to see if I could um

And it's funny speaking of shitty comments. I got one comment where it was like Of course, he's too selfish to not let other people play And it's like what a weird way to flip that around It's like you're just gonna fucking hate anything, aren't you? It's just I just wish I could get to a place where I could just realize that's that person's childhood And it's not let me dude If I was a fish I would be dead the first day

The first hook I saw I would and that would be it. I fucking like like nobody takes debate like me and um I I progressed off of social media To then oh, I take break. It's it's it's I mean as far as like not common. I just talk about sports In bullshit or whatever because I mean you can't even just say something uninformed now Oh, no, something uninformed now is just like people act like Something racist happened. Oh, well, dude. I said I was gonna be like no, I just Said something that wasn't right and I thought it was when I announced I was gonna be on Kimmel

fucking The the QAnon brigade hit up and was like there was one person who was like, oh man I'm super excited and then other person was like man. Why are people are upset about this and the next comment was all caps Jimmy Kimmel's a pedophile it's like I don't know what that has to do with me. I'm just, you know, trying to promote my My band on television. Can you get level is the pedophile ring by the way? I keep moving up and I just never seem I don't know who the leaders. Where is the yeah the mountains of coke and all of that

What I see is just a bunch of people working 18 hour days Missing their kids growing up. That's the level of show business that I've always been in but you know, I guess there's creeps everywhere But uh, you know, it's funny is those same people probably will go to a go to fucking church and if you're my church It's just like they did that stuff It's just that I don't know that the amount of The frustrating back and forth of that I'm trying to learn to let go but um

When this when this album comes out June 11th the day after my birthday, which I think I think for you. Yeah, that was for you the tube I'm gonna open for you perfectly Making another dry ass cake for myself um No, I made a birthday. I may always make sure I make a birthday cake Uh for my daughter and this year I have a son

so I'm gonna make sure every year that I do that with them and we're just trying to uh you know Do the right thing so I was a little sick She brought a cold home so we ought to get tested to make sure it wasn't covered It wasn't covered and then when I went to make a birthday cake It says keep it in for 30 to 35 minutes My stove is a little moody like sometimes Feels like you know some some nights. It wants to play some nights. It doesn't right some nights. It phones it in

So I was sick. So I was just like, all right. I'm taking out 32 and a half minutes I didn't check And I didn't do a taste test and then all my relatives came over and they all ate it and just the silence I've been into it. I was just like this sucks and everybody's like Every you know, you know people like But you know when everybody's voices go up into falsetto It was just I was just like I'm gonna go I was just like I am not gonna ruin my daughter's birthday by pouting that the cake that I made

This is not about you bill So I didn't say anything and so the next day I apologized about the cake Everybody said no, I don't know what you're talking about. You're too hard on yourself You're you're you're over critical. It was fine. And then guess what happened the fucking cake sat there and nobody else took another slice And I just kept eating it because I didn't want to waste it This is my shame and I would eat it and my wife would be going. What are you? I think oh, this sucks and she goes So why are you eating it? It's just empty calories. I'm a So I end up yelling at my wife because I made a bad cake it's just fucking

It's ridiculous. So um So anyway So now you you made this thing yourself Fucking crushed it. But and I saw on the press release that you're gonna have uh That you you know, you're gonna get a band together obviously go out you're gonna do Jimmy Kimmel when when is the Jimmy Kimmel and and good morning america and the whole press tour going down? Um Well if this If this is thursday

Then kimmel Thursday is to be thursday next week. Yeah, can then future man. Yeah, then kimmel will have happened a week ago Uh today I want to compliment you on crushing it on kimmel And good morning america is or i'm fuck The today show the competitor. Sorry talking about maybe we can edit that. Uh I'm sorry. I'm sorry Do you ever have you ever done one of those morning shows?

not Like I I did I did the today show when distance came out and I talked to karsten daily And did you have to sing on it? No, I was not nowhere near ready. It took me forever to figure out how to Get ready to sing Because I've noticed like I've done you know I used to do the old peen anthony show and they would have these amazing musicians come in And they would always be like going like fuck man. I got to sing at eight in the morning

I think covet has been uh, it's ironically in terms of my nervousness a lifesaver because I'm not in the studio like ready to do it. It's all zoom and stuff Right And uh, it would sound really shitty what sort of like before you what to go do a show what sort of nerves Oh, it's Just like my dad. My dad had crazy nerves. That's why he would drink

You know, isn't that funny though? Like the best guys I think the reason why they're the best is because they still think that they're not good Oh, yeah, that's very true So he was so he his routine was he'd you'd have a couple of pops. What would you do? Uh, just be really nervous and deal with it somehow All right, what was it like the first night? You got you got to step in for michael anthony charlotte, north carolina in 2007 Dude, he's sounding a vietnam vet denang 68 number I think

All right, so you're sitting backstage and you're just like I mean, obviously you rehearsed the songs a million times When when it came to to al dad and I we We rehearsed everything to death like it became boring And I enjoyed that because I could focus on another level on top of it. Like it was all automatic at that point, right? Now when you say you you guys rehearsed like until it was like How long did you rehearse how many hours a day how many days a week? How does that go now?

Get together every day monday through friday. Maybe even saturday A couple hours five or five hours a day. Maybe just run through the setlist twice or three times So you basically are playing the concert. Oh, yeah Holy shit, and how long did you do that before you when you started feeling like You were locking in you was settled you settling you felt like I'm a part of this rather than Well, the very first sort of Was that was kind of in 2005 before there was ever even any plans like al and dad were just in the studio Before there was ever even any plans like al and dad were just in the studio

Jamming and I picked up a bass one time And then we started jamming and it was like, oh, this is kind of fun And then I went home and I made a list. It's still hanging up at the studio I made a van halen trio jams List with hagar songs roth songs just whatever just different van halen songs anything outside of the uh, the van halen world just It was just vh songs and uh We just I came back I learned them that night came back and we just started playing them

And it was maybe a month or two or a couple months or something where we realized like Hey, this is pretty fucking cool. Uh And then I we all but I'm confused Were you from the beginning in the band or you just started jamming and that's a For fun, you know, uh, because at that point, you know I I don't know all the the details on I do I can be honest with you. I don't give a shit Yeah, okay I love everybody that's been in that band and I just want everybody to get along

Mike is a great fucking guy and I can't tell you what happened between my dad and him all I can say is that It's like he was kind of over here And my dad was kind of over here and honestly, I don't blame him because my dad was He was going through a really rough time during those times so I can understand why mike didn't right And I guess dad took that as well. Okay. Fuck you. I'll I'll just be jamming with my son over here then and that's when he got sober and and Then it was kind of like Me being around was that thing that kept him to be not as nervous

right That's something man. I never he because he had such a relaxed because there was all those guys Like I always felt like uh That your dad was so misunderstood as a player like my general like I came uh What was van Halen on 78 so when I really started becoming like aware of You know once I got out of the records my parents bought me like sing along with mitch miller and the gang and Lawrence welk winchester cathedral

uh Once I got out of that I think I had like aerosmith's greatest hits was the first one because I heard walk this way And I thought it was the coolest song because it he was singing so fast or at least what was considered fast back then um Then I got into all metal and that type of stuff and like looking back Like I just felt they misinterpret like you're because they didn't have his talent they just sort of

Interpreted as Here's a solo play as many notes as you possibly can And just like uh, you know an ad but nobody was like Saying anything. There's a little bit of that. I feel like when I watch um A lot of drum videos now Like these kids can blaze Can blaze but every time they're playing a groove and it sounds great and then they go to do

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That's get roman.com slash burr get roman r o m a n dot com slash burr b u r r There's one guy too because there's one there's one that I follow Where they just always read it's sort of like this hub of awesome young drummers You know men women every for me around the planet, and it's just some incredible players And there's just one dude. I don't know what the deal is they post them like every single day And he does like this ridiculous independent polyrhythmic shit, but it all It's just always like one two one two three four

It just sounds like Remember that steve correll thing where lyre lyre and jim carrey was making him talk Oh, yeah, like you could literally put him doing that Over the drum solo and it would and it would it would match. Yeah Yeah, so, um I was one it did you did uh What I liked about the songs that I heard was the air and the space in it um

You know it just like is is that something that just like like you said you said you said that your dad wasn't a good teacher Which is kind of funny to me. Yeah. Well, it's just like You know how they you know like einstein couldn't tie his own shoes and shit like it was on good right dad would just be like Do this And I'd be like, fuck you. I can't do that. You're eddie van helen Yeah, because you do it slower he proceeds to be eddie van helen in front of me when I ask him how to how to play something It's like, okay. Well, there's a big line between beginner

12 year old wolfie asking how to play something and fucking eddie van helen What I what age were you you kind of like hey, my dad's kind of good at guitar walking around the house like Yeah, I was growing. I I never really realized a moment because I had been You know My my mom took me to shows since I was like three there are videos of me like running up on stage Just this random three-year-old and probably pissing off the audience going who the fuck is this kid? I want to see more guitar, you know, but uh

Well, what did they this is a dumb this is not a dumb question, but what do they do for? Uh hearing protection because I I this ear here All kids got the like the big like cans where you just can't yeah the leaf blower. Yeah, exactly things. Oh, all right That's interesting. All right. Can I ask one more, uh, alex drum geek question? I'm gonna try to slip in as many as I possibly can Of course go um All right Did he play Ludwig in piste symbols?

Because he was into bonham even though he didn't sound like him. He had his own sound or because I know he started playing before Um, I mean when they started they pretty much started when they were kids in the late 50s early 60s They started playing together. So that was Zeppelin didn't come out till 68 And I know that Ludwig was the Cadillac of drums But he was sort of zildjian It seemed like european guys would get the piste stuff in american drummers would have the zildjian stuff And when he came out, I remember looking at his drum kit I'm thinking he was going to be a bonham guy and then he sounded nothing like him

Um, which I thought was an a major a major accomplishment Absolutely The giant footprint You know Oh, I think I think he's one of the most underrated drummers of all time It's just simply because everyone was so watching your dad. Yeah, it's like just look over here for a second. You'll see how fucking great You see how amazing he is. Yeah, even like the simple stuff like simpler songs the creativity that he had in it the

Finish what you started all sort of that offbeat stuff and every time I like whenever I try to airdrum to it I always think it's going to be snare and then it's just kick And then I then I lose where one is and then he comes out and it's just like uh, or even like that like a pop song like jump like his like When they're going in the course like his like symbols and like the Fills that he does in that bell thing like I was trying to my arms are getting crossed up Like how the hell does he do this?

That's probably just tricky like you think jump you think of jump and it's like a simple pop song But it's got some some left turns in it for sure and then that little double bass lick Towards the end which I've never been able to figure that out All right, last one Hot for teacher does he play that intro with his feet or is that with floor toms? I'm pretty sure it's floor toms because it was you know, it's the uh What is it the roto toms or whatever right electric Okay, or they were like electric

Uh toms that he played on 1984 And I think at least the way I would always do it is and I think it's a clear indicator when you're listening to it Because he kind of starts off with his hands doing the Oh, yeah, dude, and that's Phil he does in when he goes up the tongs He grabs the sound oh my god favorite so that makes my hair stand up on my arms to this day I've just like my big my big success today as I drove my Daughter to school today and she said 38 special And she goes ac dc. What does that mean because she thinks it spells something

And then she goes dad that because I was playing back in black Yeah, she's going uh She said something these guys this music is crazy Because you know brian just like screaming He's screaming. Yeah. Yeah, so I was like, oh is this scary go, but do you like it and she goes? Yeah So I'm like, all right. This is really cool Because my wife is like she grew up on like, you know Hip-hop and new jack swing and all that janet jackson stuff. So I feel like when she goes to school

It's like two different completely different djs or whatever. That's funny Yeah, it was my dad and I spent we bonded over over power rich Big time. I was like, I know it seems like every musician like that's their That's their favorite one. I gotta think what is my favorite ac? I it kind of changes um Like you know what my my big thing is over the last few years You know, I think the power age album is of the brian johnson era I used to say flick of the switch

But now I actually think uh for those about to rock is one of my favorite sounding Oh, that's that's a clean and fill rudd on cod. Oh, yeah Is just like in insane so All right, so I saw this thing like I'm I sort of like Mainly played drums, but I mess around a guitar. So something easy like 38 special Hold on loosely and I I saw the guitarist talking about

How he was listening to um That car song was I don't mind you standing here. So the guitar it's all like eighth notes So he was playing around with that and then came up with that dana and then he just sort of Yeah, now That's an approach And then I hear other people like oh, I just woke up and I just heard this thing Is songwriting because I I wouldn't like if you told me like You're you're going to jail unless you could write a song like I just I just give me, you know

Yeah, for sure if you put a gun to my head it'd be like well, give me a second I had to go through these ideas I have on on my voice memos and maybe this one will be good I don't know But there's a funny thing There's the third song on the album. I think Is called hyffany and that was the demo title because it came out of nowhere and the title just kind of stuck so do you do you um You just noodle around and or you'll you'll like like here's watching the tv

You got an acoustic guitar or something and then something hits and you're like, oh, fuck. I'm you pull your phone out So you're absent-blindedly playing and then something like that's that's amazing, man I because I feel like musicians and songwriting. It's like wizardry Like doing what I do you see somebody do something stupid and then go You never see these guys do that. What the fuck's up with that? I mean, it's pretty it's pretty basic And not to mention behind like instruments and shit you got to stand up there and fucking just womb with words. That's terrifying Uh I'm not lying to you. It is

It is but it is not as terrifying is a few other things There's a few there's some other things that I've done that are a little scarier than that but I don't know. I don't want to toot my own horn But I I got a pilot's license and the other day I finally soloed This helicopter and you got it. You got to set it. I had to set it down on a helipad Which looks gigantic when you're looking at it

But then when you're coming into it and there's like a four-wheeler attached to it And all you think it is don't hit the four-wheeler don't hit the four-wheeler Well, don't think about hitting the four-wheeler because then you hit it like that type of shit um And it's it's like through doing stand up And having to be like that's David Letterman over there and I'm going to completely ignore that So I can focus and not forget my act And um, you learn like those compartment compartments. I don't know how to say you compartmentalize

stuff, um I'm kind of into uh Like people have in breakthroughs Because I'm really trying to because like I'll be honest with you dude like that that video you have, you know With your dad and everything. I was like Jesus Christ. He was an even better dad than he was a guitarist and it's like Like I want to be like that so when you were having the problems with um

Like coming up with like lyrics and stuff I I would I would have to think like that's like Where I can I can hide behind comedy Being a I'm the guy, you know, you know me. I don't give a fuck, you know So I don't I can keep everybody like that How like you guys really like I couldn't imagine being in a band And they they they come in with the riff and you're the lead singer or whatever and you and it's and it's sounding like a love song And then you got to go up to the mic and start singing about some chick you love

And you're and like I would be afraid to look at anybody. They'd be like the fuck kind of shit Oh, yeah, you guys you were gonna sing about harrowing. What are you? Now you're talking about Well, that's the first time I've really felt like this because with van halen, you know, I'm just in the background playing bass, but But with this it's like this is my life and in my heart I I put into into this and so it's like when people go like this fucking sucks It's like that hurts a little bit more than than than it did before

Because you're saying you don't yeah, but You know, you deal with it. It's a killer record man. Fuck those people. I swear to god And then we know what the reality is is you really do the math. It's not That many people that do that shit That's what I always say, you know, because There were so many people at least early on that were convinced I wasn't even playing and it was just like my dad put me up there and it was all And at first that hurt, but then eventually it was like wait a second

So what did they think did they think michael anthony was sitting in the corner on punishment backstage? Whatever fits their their agenda, but I took it as a compliment eventually because that means it sounds so good that they can't imagine that it's not tracks so But he would always say is like listen wolf whenever Whenever the album comes out if if those fucking people don't get it they never will And uh, right that always stuck with me where it's like This is like fully me. So it's like I if I've been

If I if I've been coasting on a lie these last 13 years, I don't think I can hide it for much longer. Yeah, so Um What was something else I wanted to ask okay, so let's talk bass players. Okay, so who influenced you like who's like your top bass player that uh as far as like Justin chancellor from tool is oh wow Him and less clay pool are probably they're super different bass players right

But then you got you know like tony levin, you know he plays with He's oh so many people, but I I don't I don't know tony levin. I'm an old guy. Who is that your gabriel? Um, oh, okay. I should have known that one. He's a fucking incredible bass player. Um, and uh, he's done So just look him up. So many can you just figure shit out because I always have to go on like youtube And watch somebody turn stuff by ear. Yeah I should have done that Because I feel like you're just like a literate If you go the uh the other way

All right, well, I we've uh, we've talked about music a lot here. So what what are what are your uh, what are any other interests you have? Are you a sports guy? Did you watch the super bowl? Did you predict Tampa Bay like me? I I I did not I'm not my mom would be the one to talk to about that because she's a fucking rabid saint's fan And oh, she's from New Orleans No, she isn't she she she lived in Shreveport and since they were technically in Louisiana She began to root for the saints because everybody root for the cowboys there So my uncle patrick and her would then then became diehard saint's fans In what year did they become diehard saint's fans?

Oh man, I don't know a long time ago 70. So she that's legit Yeah, because once drew breeze got there and she's legit away before drew breeze So what uh, how nuts did she go? When they won in 2009 when that dude picked it off picked six took it to the house He's uh growing up growing up. I hated football because Every sunday it would be the loudest day in the house because my mom is a very That's fucking hilarious. You're so fucking loud dude. It's it's crazy. And was your dad into football at all? No I didn't give a shit. He was just kind of like that cool

Like because she's over there screaming at the tv. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah pass interference. She does the he's over there You know working on the next eruption That's a hell Yeah, she she can do that that like under the tongue finger whistle thing that'll fucking kill you Oh, yeah, you know when you get a couple of kids you learn how to whistle as a dad I do some point you just gotta Knock it off You just

The only thing you gotta have like that You gotta add the debt my my dad had a snap Was the loudest thing dude. It was like there was reverb. Yeah Up to this thing because it was also we would go to church every sunday And inevitably we would either start fucking around or or or get into a fight or something And we were always thinking that we were keeping the decibel level low enough where he didn't hear it And then at one point he would just be sitting there like this and then he would just stick his hand out and just Bash right and then we're all just like and we're like oh shit. This car ride home is gonna suck

Um All right, well, let me let me make sure that I did the whole uh the whole the proper promo of this Yes, sir. June 11th, right? Uh That's not the fucking thing I wanted Andrew, what what am I just gonna learn to print things out? Instead of having all these windows and there's something you can do you swipe with your thumb and then all of a sudden it all comes back Oh, there we go

um This is another thing too about it like there's 13 tracks on this thing At any point when you were doing this album when you got like seven years in Were you just like is this my chinese democracy? Like am I going insane in here? Should should I just that joke? I I I heard that Chinese democracy Sorry, no But uh

Yeah, there I recorded way more ideas that weren't 100 finished for it So it was really tough to figure out what I what I wanted on on that album but uh after dude, I made like 100 playlists my uncle Patrick and I were like listening for the flow and like each song that went into each other And it took us forever, but we finally reached The current album as it is and I'm really I don't think I've ever worked that hard on anything I have a thing where I just like

My shits come out. I'm like manager. I I I go nuts over like I am a perfectionist with this because it's the Hardest I've worked on it worked on anything. Do you think um your next one will come quicker or be quicker? Yeah, yeah Because I now the next one. Do you think uh like say you go out on tour? Right. I'll say this covid thing ends, right? We can all leave the house You go out on tour Um, I mean you're opening remember. Oh, is that right? I'll open for you I'll stand that it's one of the worst gigs ever

It's one of the worst gigs ever for a community opening For a band. Oh, yeah, it's like we came here to boom music before the guy we wanted to see Now we're just something some dude talk Yeah, well the thing the thing that will save me is if um, if it's in a smaller club like I um I used to open for winona jud And she played big places and you know every night it was just like some nights that went good and then other nights

You know, I was joking, but if you're serious, let's let's do it If you if look if you want to do like uh like a hey, let's just do one live show Before we go out or like I I would absolutely Let's do it. Yeah I'm gonna go up there dress like one of those old, you know, I'm like the local djs Who used to who would like pump up that like they would pump the single And then they get out there and they costy you ready to run guys You heard him on bcn. Yeah, I opened for uh

Let's see why I don't know Judd and then one time I opened for queens of the stone age, but it was at a small club So it was really cool. That's awesome And it was and they were nice josh and the guys were nice enough to keep it lit So when people shit on me, you know The whole game is you get you have to you have to like You ever see like those hornets go into like like nests or like honeybees and they just they got their things and they just chop heads off You have to do that in that gig It's like you just there's three people and they're three people give you shit. There has to be three heads on the floor

Within two seconds of each or else the whole thing is just gonna turn and everybody's gonna take their day out on you Oh big time So fortunately I went in there. There was just one chick, you know Just running a yap and those are the hardest ones Good-looking chicks good-looking white chicks. There's there's there's it's kryptonite. There's no way To shut them up. No one has ever told them to shut up in their life Say something that'll piss them off What's that you'll inevitably say something that'll piss them off

I don't think they even They just want to hear their own voice. Well, if I go like literally like like will you shut the fuck up? You're ruining the whole show and then the crowd cheers They think the applause is for them Like that's That's how pretty they are It's like they Must be for me. Yeah, they can't I am so good-looking. I can't hear criticism and it's just like

I I kind of dealt with that. You know, it's so funny is when someone really fucking annoys me I I I never quite forget what they look like like I just have like, you know, you can get this zoom chat There's these zoom faces. I have like there's a half dozen There was this fucking asshole when I was in the old punchline in uh in Atlanta He's fucking jerk off It was one of these deals where the stage was only like six inches high and he came down

He was sitting in the front row. He's one of these guys like he was like I don't know probably my age now, but I was like in my late 30s And he still had a button down You know really tight and he had like the you know the dad bod, but he's still showing off the gun still lifted so And uh, and he had these stupid penny loafers with no socks and he had his feet on the stage with his legs crossed Just sitting there Yeah, I felt like I was performing at his birthday party in his backyard So I asked him I say man, can you take your feet off the stage? He said go ahead. Isn't that dude?

He just wouldn't do it So I kept shitting on him and it just kept escalating and escalating and I'm you know, I'm a pretty angry guy But back then I was I was a lunatic and it escalated to the point that uh He ended up getting kicked out and I remember when he got kicked out. He stood up really deliberately And like sort of made a half a step towards me and then went up on the stage and went on that That was his last little passive aggressive thing and I was standing there

I usually lean on the mic stand actually was standing with the mic and I had the mic stand like this You know mic stands got a nice base on it. Oh, yeah Yeah, I probably would have blown out my rotator cuff, but I was gonna fucking I already had it worked out It was like I am going I'm gonna go mid-body because I don't want to get sued I'm just This need to figure out in some portion of his body. Yeah, this thing is metal. This is not wherever I hit him He's going down. He's too fucking old and

And every once in a while like when I think the exact club is no longer there Uh, I guess I don't give a shit about it anymore. I've let go of a lot of stuff. I'm kind of happy with that's why I'm like Yeah, you you learned to laugh at it. I remember uh in san jose, I think it was the I have a 2012 or 2015 tour and The entirety of the show it was kind of a lower stage It was kind of like if you've ever been to red rocks in colorado Yeah, each kind of or like hollywood bowl, you know, because we played sheds on the last one. I bombed there

I was doing the comedy works and they tried to bring that up They brought comics out there They're like we went on after some animation video and then there was a band and it was just was not what I wanted it to be Sorry anyway, um and uh Some guy throughout the entirety of the show. He wasn't like in the sixth row like eye line with me was flipping me off just like The whole the whole fucking time and in between every break Uh, I would go to my tech and be like, hey, there's a guy flipping me off and it's really distracting and he's really rude

Uh, and I just wanted to tell you that And he was like just ignore it, you know, and then the next break I started thinking because like I don't ever want to be a dick You know, I like to be a nice person. No, wait, wait, wait, wait How would you be the dick in that situation that I mean, how long that's the way my brain operates Is that I didn't want to want people to think I was a dick for trying to like throw somebody out or something But oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's a whole time. So I After the second or third break, I went to my my tech and the security guard was there. I was like, hey Is it okay to throw somebody out if they've been flipping me off the entirety of the show and they're like, fuck

Yeah, where is he? I was like, oh He's in the sixth row. He's wearing a dream dream theater shirt. He's balding I can I can see it. I can see it sticking out like a sore thumb. Oh, absolutely. And the second two security guards start walking down the aisles you see him like Wow And they didn't find him the first time they're like, we have no idea where he is

I was like, he's got the gold chain. He's in like how many people are wearing a fucking dream theater t-shirt I've never seen one of my life And uh, yeah, and then they eventually found to see one of my life And uh, yeah, and then they eventually found him and I think it was around near the end of the show around ice cream man or something and As they're taking him out he turns around one last look and I was on the side of the stage and he turned around I was just like Enjoy the parking lot dickhead

It was it was worth it What's the worst? Is that the worst heckler or whatever that you had one of the worst There are other scarier ones where like a handful of times people would shine a A laser pointer at me And you don't know what the fuck that is So that that shit's really scary But can I tell you something that takes me back to this fucking this this bullshit hero of joe six pack That the only way to be the assholes if you're the guy on stage

Exactly and you're sitting there going hey, man, you know kind of a guy flipped me off It's a little distract. I mean you're sitting there trying to give people a show. This is work I don't come to fucking Burger King and knock the dicks out of your mouth. Yep That's like a classic uh stand-up comeback I think you I think you'd have to say uh a gay bath house Because now you now you might get sued by Burger King's like We're not sucking dicks down here. We're just making burgers And they're flame broiled and they're better than mcdonald's

um Yeah, people You know, you don't know if that's a gun like I hope not but it's like there's been people killed on stage before and I think there are enough Van Halen fans That might be crazy enough to hate me so much that they want to kill me. I'm terrified of that shit You know, right, but it's my job. So I got to go up there anyway and just hope it doesn't happen And when people In your situation

And then also your dad is right there Well, there's a lot of people I don't think through, you know, they're huge fans of my dad. They idolize him and they and then The next minute they go tell his son who is dealing with the loss of his parent That he's a piece of shit and it's like there's a weird lapse of judgment in that whole process that I don't understand no, I've seen like like Musicians sons of musicians who are great players And it's just like yeah hanging up. You're not as good as your dad. It's just like

I mean, you mean his dad is dead That guy that's that's the guy like what in what world? It's really is like the the internet's a really fascinating place where uh You kind of see that a lot of people just never grow up Like, you know, when you're a little kid and someone's just like, I don't like your face, you know Just you just don't know not to be that rude. That's the internet for sure. Yeah I feel like they go back to like um outdoor recess when you were like in

First second third grade when you were really at your meanest. Yeah When you didn't understand words effect, but you knew enough of the english language to really go for it. Um I'm just I don't know I think because It's a combination of where the narrative is and then it's also uh money So I feel like and and corporations have really given The you know a handful of assholes all of this power that I didn't like that and that offended me It's you know for some reason they can't just be happy making 999 million dollars. They got to get that one more dollar to make a billion. So it's like, all right. We're just gonna flush

Exactly this friggin artist. So all right. Lastly here before we Before we wind up first of all, I want to say it's all great to meet you I I really love what I've heard so far the album is like, I mean that's for people listening how I ended up Getting in touch with you was I heard I heard that um Oh god my fucking memory What was the second song that I heard that I I didn't know if it was in before You're to blame, right? Yeah, you ought to blame. I heard that I was like what the maybe want to go play drums

Okay, so that's and it also made me fantasize. That's another big thing with me when I drive down the street I listen to music whatever the coolest instrument or singing. I am in I am that person Doing it in front of everybody. I know and they're all like wow, we didn't know you had this talent It's embarrassing, but that's what I do So I somewhere I I've reached out to you and just said dude that that sounds killer And that's like this really came like this. This was not like a hey, you got this amount of followers Will you interview this guy? I am a legit fan. So I am hoping to see you in your band live I hope this this album gets what it deserves

and The last thing I wanted to ask you how optimistic I'm making everybody be a coveted weatherman here How optimistic are you that maybe towards the end of the year enough people get the vaccine that it works I would really hope so man and inject me with those nanobots, you know, I I'm going into Dude, give me let bill gates know where the fuck I am. I want to get out there Well, I'm due to get it in uh March so if you notice a little change in my podcast

You're a youngster. So you're probably not going to get it till may or june, but just use me as the lab rat You got it. I don't see any like, I don't know if I If I seem at peace with the world then you should get nervous, but if I'm still going half on people Okay, we I'm not All right, dude. Amen. I'm so psyched. I'm proud of you that you got this thing done And I really hope the world opens up so you can go out kick ass and play some live shows because I think I'm speaking for a lot of people one of the biggest things I have missed During this has been live music. So thank god for unbelievably talented musicians like yourself

Good luck with your record. And once again, I really enjoyed your appearance on jimmy kimmel All right, well nice meeting you So I could walk away from this I could replace you We could talk away through this I will Hey, what's going on? It's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday february 18th 2013 and uh right off the bat you should be going like well, this sounds a lot different than all the other ones Yes, it does

There's a reason for that the reason for it is because the handy recorder h4n are by zoom the zoom h4n Handy recorder is a fucking diva Hunk of shit Fuck that recorder in its non-existent digital ass I've had more goddamn fucking problems with this thing First of all to give you a fucking memory card. We can record like just over a podcast or every fucking goddamn week I start the podcast if I forgot to erase the last one

I have a problem and I know what you guys are thinking well bill. Why don't you buy a new fucking memory card? Well, I'm an asshole Okay Admittedly I'm an asshole, but you know what I did. You know what I did people Guess we're all fucking billy red face went the other day Well, I went to the wrong place first But then they told me where to go and then I went I bought a fucking memory card some 60 Fucking four gig memory card. I stick it in this thing's fucking

Little slot there Turned it on it says, uh, do you want to format the card? Why yes, I would Handy fucking recorder h4n zoom douche, right? How childish is this right now? Try not to be mad at it in an animal object As johda rosa says Um, but I am so I put it in there and it says error Can't do it. Then I go on the internet wasting more fucking time of my life Are you technology douchebags out there who just think that this stuff makes your life easier?

It doesn't it doesn't because it's constantly Fucking breaking down And then I got to go on the internet and I got to try and figure out What the hell's going on? You know sifting through all this this horseshit and I found something and I followed it to the tee and it still says it's There's a problem So what do I have to do? I'm in new york city right now by the way. I'm going to have to somehow Get in touch with bobby kelly

And I'm going to flip the fuck out It's screaming about tech. This is what happens. This is how bobby kelly helps him with technology. I call him up I immediately go on a rant about technology and the banking system He sits back and relaxes, you know probably has the phone like 20 feet from his ear and when I'm done ranting, you know He'll just sit there and be like I do. What's the problem dude? What do you what do you have? And I'm like this fucking piece of shit zoom fuck of it dude dude. It's not a piece of shit, dude It's actually I've had that thing. It's fucking great. I got the new one. It's fucking wireless Um, and then he talks me fucking through it

You know and what kills me is I like to think that I'm just as smart as robert kelly, but evidently i'm not He never comes to me for help But I think that's because he's he's afraid. He's afraid of the feelings that he has for me So anyways, I don't even know how to adjust these levels I hope i'm not blowing out your fucking eardrums here um Anyways, you know what was funny about all this was I was going to make fun of this kid Who was having problems downloading my special?

You know, and this is basically, you know, fortunately, I've had a nice steady stream of people downloading my special and um, I swear to god for every like 50 75 people that downloaded successfully. There'll be one person that has a problem I get right back to them You know Usually that day if not within two to three days, I get back to them as soon as I can we get them a new link And they get the special all right

And I've actually learned a lot about myself reading some of these emails because the amount of people who immediately assume That they're getting fucked That basically that i'm fucking them over which you know Like I basically I announced that I have this special to download for five dollars and once I get your five dollars My game plan is there really is no link Like how long could I realistically get away with that? maybe for a week Before all you guys talk to each other and just like there's no link. He's just stealing five dollars from us at which point

I would become the biggest douche on the internet And no one would come to my shows and I would go back to sleeping on a futon. So why would I do that? But what cracks me up is I understand the anger as you can tell I'm sure there's somebody out there who has a zoom h4 and handy recorder and knows exactly You know what two fucking buttons to hit and my whole world would be perfect Um I have to tell you it is an unbelievably confusing fucking device This is definitely this has to be some pro level shit because they did not dumb it down for someone like myself

so anyways getting back to the Getting back to the the downloads. Okay, if you are having problems, okay, the link does work Okay, admittedly a couple times. There has been a glitch on our end and we go out we fix it immediately You will get a link. I am not trying to fuck you over if you First if you are just like well, it didn't work the first time and I don't feel like waiting I want my five dollars back. I will um, I will absolutely refund your money. You're not going to get fucked Okay You're not going to get fucked out of your money. You're going to get the special you're going to get your five dollars back. So

um I don't know, but I've actually learned a lot about myself watching people having meltdowns about these things This one kid wrote me today He goes I would like my money back for my purchase of your special on january 25th 2013 I never had a chance to see the special and I am deeply outraged by the horrible quality of your customer service Please return my five dollars to my checking account immediately So I'm like jesus christ did I miss this guy? So I look up his email. It's fucking hilarious I've already talked to the guy three times

He got the initial link and we sent him two more links and he hasn't been able to download it Okay, I got back to him every time either that day or within 24 hours And now he asked for his five dollars back and I gave it back to him within like 45 minutes of him asking for All right, I understand you're upset dirt dude, but how is that horrible? customer service Now if you want to say it's a horrible link You know that's one thing my customer service. I'm gonna pat myself on the back here. I think it's pretty fucking good I wouldn't say it's outstanding. All right. I'm not trying to get trashed by other cunts who are now going to send me emails

But I'm just saying All right, sometimes it does take me like three days to get back to you, but you know, I've run into mom and pop operation here I gotta fly to fucking east bumpfuck to do a show, you know that day Maybe I'm not looking at my emails, but I will get back to you all right, and There's been a whole there's been thousands of people. Thank god who downloaded my special successfully. So the link is fine All right I sent the guy a letter back. I told him I said dude, we got back to you

Every time we've emailed us and I just gave you five dollars back. How is that horrible customer service? I don't know what to tell you What what more am I supposed to do fly to where you live? And stare at your computer with you. God knows I can't figure it out This guy's deeply outraged over five dollars. Thank god my special wasn't 20 bucks like I wasn't selling like a hard copy of But this guy probably hunt me down and shoot me Oh speaking of shooting people How about that fucking cyborg, huh?

Allegedly shot his woman through the fucking bathroom door Jesus christ, huh? What a fucking creepy story that is You know, it's funny as I was sitting here today flipping out about The zoom h4. This is like the anti-commercial for this thing h4 and recorder if you're stupid, please do not buy this thing Because you'll end up like me And I'm really trying to uh to rosa used to have this joke

About him flipping out At a laptop and somebody saw him and said hey, that's an inanimate object. You're better than that but blah blah blah So I for some reason last night I was flipping about flipping out about how my internet sucks in new york And how because I was so mad at the internet connection I actually had the urge to grab my laptop a completely innocent bystander and just fucking Like sort of like a combination of a frisbee in a discus and I wanted to throw it through my window So Rather than using my brain and sitting down

um, or maybe uh Just solving the problem Maybe just calling up and cancelling the wireless service and getting that little fucking uh, what do you call it the Internet stogie that you can stick into the side of your computer So you have internet everywhere That bobby kelly shit did I got internet everywhere I I I stick to stick in I put on my little earpiece dude. It's all fucking wireless It orders me a sandwich

you know um anyways The fuck was I talking about you know that guy actually I I made I made a bad move the other day. I asked I called bobby kelly up and I told him I needed a new printer And you can't someone like me cannot talk to a guy like on bobby kelly's level of technology Okay, because all of my shit Is from like, you know three presidents ago

All right, I don't like technology Um as far as I don't like new technology Okay, I would be happy I was happy with my life was in the 80s and I didn't have a laptop or a cell phone. I was fine I don't know about you guys, but I was eating three times a day. I had a roof over my head you know I had a carburetor I had no fuel injection and I was fine

My car couldn't talk to me I didn't have any gps. I oh, I had a map. It's not like an old man here, but my life was fine When I say I don't like technologies for all the douchebags already firing off your email Really? Would you like to go back to the caveman days? You know what I'm saying past a certain point this shit hasn't been helping me Okay Right up to curing polio and penicillin right there. We should we should just walked away from the blackjack table We should have left it at that You know and then all we would have had to have done

Is just dealt with the population problem and that you just keep it in check Okay, you get one of these mathematical fucking nerds god bless him And we just have a number that we we will not go beyond Okay, and you know in an unperfect world Um everybody could join hands and we would all work together and there would be no countries, but that's not the way it is Because the sociopaths power hungry sociopaths and fucking religious sociopaths

Okay, if you could eliminate those two people those two groups of people You know people who take the hocus pocus shit too seriously and then those those fucking Those those people who will do anything Will fucking do anything You know the only feeling they feel is the rush of putting their foot on somebody's neck If you could just get rid of those two people I was kidding. He'll we just look at us look at us on the internet a little way to trash each other probably still wouldn't work But whatever this is my utopia

I think we should have tapped out somewhere around like um I don't know when did the first Atari come out you got to have video games right asteroids was great And you guys whatever you get bored with it But they they come up with the new asteroids maybe that maybe the the The ship would be shaped like a square Maybe the rocks were like hexagon. No rocks were hexagons Well, you just make the the spaceship the shape of the asteroids and then the asteroids the shape of the spaceship

New spaceship shaped asteroids and we all we all would have been excited because we didn't know any better Because we didn't know there was uh battlefield earth part four whatever the fuck it's called whatever you video guys are doing there I don't even know what I'm saying. So anyway, so bobby tells me to get this fucking. I call that bobby kelly who? Bobby is like, you know when I go to bob's bob's apartment or whatever. It's like walking in my world It's like walking like nine years into the future You know remember when yankee stadium first came out and they were all arrogant going we have 2013 technology in 2009 and when they said that shit

Which really was the dumbest thing ever it's like no if you had You have 2009 technology That is not going to be available to a nerd like me not a nerd a loser like me until 2013 You're really just sort of rubbing it in my face All right Of course, all yankee fans. They they they got technology from the future Derek cheater Right

Oh, if you're fucking yankee jersey that you can't button anymore um Anyways What am I talking about here? Oh, so bobby. Yeah bobby's like nine years in the future compared to me So he gets me this I get this fucking date. It's fucking wireless, dude Everything bobby has has to be wireless, you know It's fucking wireless, dude I can I can drive in a cab dude and I just think it's something it's it's wired into my brain

And it the ha ha he it prints it out, dude Um So I get this thing of course This fucking goddamn thing I've probably used it 20 times 17 times. I've had a fucking problem with it One time for no reason I would I would hit print and it would go through the entire Stack of paper that I had printing nothing Just printing

And I'm going what the fuck's going on Right and then finally the last two pages it would just print a bunch of code And you know, I don't give a fuck just at some point in that five minute exercise Fucking print when I'm trying to print never does it So So now I gotta call bobby up bob this fucking printer suck did it doesn't suck dude just what's just tell me what Go into uh properties or whatever click on the apple, dude And I'm on the phone for like 45 minutes

I like my old printer It had a wire it was tethered to reality and I plugged it into my fucking laptop, you know, I like that real shit I don't like it's in the air man. I don't know what's going on. I can't figure that shit out So anyways, I ain't what the fuck I'm even talking about here Oh, what am I really saying? Why can't stuff be easy? Why can't stuff what I really want is for nothing to change so I don't have to learn anything new I think that's what I'm really trying to say here um

I don't know I'm gonna talk about new york city here in a second once I uh Let's do a couple of uh advertisements really quickly If I can get Oh, Jesus Oh, no, you know what I'm actually going out to hasbro kites doing a benefit Um, all right legal zoom everybody. Are you waiting for the perfect time to start your dream business? It's now legal zoom the official sponsor of national start your business month wants you to get uh get your business started Right whether you're setting up an llc llc and s corp sole proprietorship or nonprofit legal zoom takes care of you

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A $269 value for absolutely free be sure to enter burr burr in the referral box at the checkout Start your business protect your family And safeguard your assets at legal zoom dot com today all right back to um So back in new york city right now I immediately went from absolute paradise as far as weather goes, you know not as far as population and uh breathable air drinkable water

but uh the weather is great and I I came into new york and uh You know, I actually really fucking enjoy cold weather and um The only thing that sucks was it snowed like five days ago So when it first snows, it's it's beautiful It's like a newborn baby. It's just gorgeous everywhere you go looks like a postcard, but you know three four days later It's just uh, you know, you think you're you're in eastern fucking europe and that's what it looks like right now It's kind of a nice sunny day, but I got to be honest with you. Um

If you're past the age of 40 and you're still dealing with winters, I just want you to know that there are options You know what no, no, you know what keep keep living in the last thing we need is more fucking people in l.a It's great. You know, you get the four seasons You know one and a half of them are nice I like it, you know, I like to change your seasons Do you have any idea what it's like to just fucking Just wake up every day and the weather's awesome It's awesome. I know what east coast. Oh, dude, you're gonna lose your edge

That's how fucked up east coast people are We're afraid that we're gonna lose our anger Hey, but you're gonna lose your edge, but be careful. You might end up being happy You might end up, uh, you know enjoying your life Go easy now I'm when I first moved out to l.a. The first time I was out there when I hated it And this didn't seem right and I fought it so hard To not to try and not enjoy it, but I did

um I played a roller hockey On the day of the Super Bowl in shorts and a t-shirt in this parking garage Um, it's the 90s. Okay, let's go fuck yourself and it was roller hockey I wasn't skating down the board walking a fanny pack, but uh, if footage of me doing that does surface, um I would love to say that it was somehow photoshopped The record I never had a fanny pack, but not because um I didn't like him. I just found I just

I wanted pockets. I just I don't like shit on me. You know what I mean? I just I don't like it And it makes you waste sweaty or that wherever the fanny is fanny pack the pack is on the fanny pack That's gonna get all sweaty. I don't fucking like it. You know I used to put the money in my sock and then my keys in my other sock. I used to be that guy You know anyways, so I'm playing roller hockey at the top of this fucking, uh Um parking garage Who the hell was it? It was me dame cook

Richter Lee and Pete coming right for two on two fucking psycho game we had Where it was like zero to zero and we were all such competitive maniacs This is back before tivo We almost missed the beginning of the super bowl because we had to play until somebody won Or maybe it was one to one You know when you don't have that official clock or anything it was it was the fucking shit And we were laughing just going like my buddy was going who loved la I was like dude We're gonna watch the super bowl. How nuts is this everybody back east is freezing their fucking balls off

We're out here in the sun Played roller hockey on top of this parking structure hoping the security doesn't come up here And I was buying into that whole um I'm losing my edge man. I'm not gonna be funny Meanwhile la is one of the most difficult cities I've ever had to live in just as far as getting from point a to point b and also trying to keep your Your head screwed on because um Look it's a fun place when you're working

That's all I can tell you when you're not working And if you if you are out there right now and you're struggling, uh, definitely don't be afraid to have a hobby Don't be afraid to have something that you can actually fucking look forward to That will actually help you You know some of these psychos out there with that 24 seven. I gotta be about the business Hey, you want to uh, hey, here's a free cupcake. Would you like a cupcake? I know I'm working on a script You gotta get the script on Who turns down a free cupcake?

That's kind of weird one man to another man, huh? um anyway, so i'm back here in new york and uh I don't know it's weird. I love new york, but I just don't miss it. I always thought I would miss it But I don't miss it. I woke up, you know a fucking god knows what time this morning It's a holiday back here with his president's day of some shit and some asshole. It's got his fucking stereo in Like two floors down one of those douchebags um Status is probably music is my life music is the air I bleed something

Trike that they're trying to make original or whatever the fuck it is um Life equals music Is fucking playing his goddamn. I'm gonna say stereo because I don't know what the kid's calling today He's playing his fucking stereo from two floors down. I'm hearing this guy's the baseline of this shit And you know, I just I just don't miss it Like this is basically I live in a big house with like, you know

700 strangers I gotta smell their food. I gotta hear their arguments You know, you always got some sort of there's always somebody There's always some old person who's been living there since like the fucking 60s who's paying three dollars a month in rent And you walk by their fucking place. They're always making some sort of goulash And the combination of that and the fucking heater that they can't adjust for some reason and it's 9 000 degrees The combination of that and smelling that goulash and that douche playing his stereo I just I don't fucking miss it. Then I gotta walk out look at dirty snow

I've had it I was like, oh, yeah, I remember this and then there's that when it's getting spring in new york is beautiful Fall in new york is great summer is cool for about two seconds before the humidity comes in All the the fucking crooked rich cunts slash celebrities They all go out to the hamptons to go fucking air off their balls and we got to sit here Taking the goddamn subway in all office. It's it's the worst It's the fucking worst so, um

I think i'm just grumpy I still like new york, but i'm kind of disturbing me how much i'm sitting here going like yeah, this is uh, this is really no way to live You know what I said this before new york, it's for young people, you know up to about 35 36 You can have a great fucking time those last four years is just sliding into 40 Don't fight that feeling that says hey, why don't we get out of here and live like a human being? You know Fuck the two one two area code. You can visit it drop in and visit it go out to jersey go to upstate new york Whatever the fucking westchester get yourself a house and a driveway

all right The only time you smell goulash is if you're is if you're making it Your human being could deserve to live like one um anyways plowing ahead here on the podcast. What am I up to here? This is oddly cruising right along, but I can't find the numbers. Where are you 25 minutes? Is it wrong? um

I had a great week this week This past week. I got to do the Conan O'Brien show. We'll have the link for that up on uh Up on the monday morning podcast page um Conan's great, you know When you're getting going he chimes in and once you get going he just lets you go He's totally old school and if he thinks you're funny he laughs

it's uh It really is that old school johnny karsten style and uh, I'm getting more and more comfortable doing those Panel things and I get a real kick out of doing them because That was sort of that was that's sort of a lost art amongst comedians Just for the simple fact that we haven't gotten the opportunities to do it Where back in the day, I guess there was less opportunities. Maybe it balances out the back of the day johnny karsten You know, he had his go-to he would have comics on and they they weren't promoting anything

He would just have him on because they were they were a great guest They'd come on and he knew that they were going to hit a home run um And I used to grow up watching these guys david Brenner and george gobel Um all these guys and I would I would be psyched when they were on and they'd come on buddy hack it They just come on and tell stories They weren't promoting anything. They were just hilarious and he'd watch johnny laughing his ass off And it went right through letterman leno

Um, who are some of the other guys I saw but then I don't know once this talk show stuff became so Well back then he was the only game in town So there wasn't it's not the way it is now where there's like 20 shows all trying to get this Take a piece of the same pie, but anyways um It was something I always wanted to get good at so I was really psyched that might It went well, uh This past monday. It's just something that I want to get better at

And uh, I just I don't know that was just like the cool thing that for a while Comics just really weren't getting that opportunity or not enough of them We're getting that opportunity and it was frustrating I'm not saying all actors and all guests but to sit there at home and watch People coming out who couldn't tell a fucking story But they had a giant movie which I understand they got to promote the giant movie I don't know. I just would always look at that and be like, you know, it would be great right now now that that person kind of did Only okay and the host had to work their ass off to help them through the segment if you just had a comment come on

Tell some stories and the host could take a little fucking breather Uh, it's just great. I don't know. It's just great that conan is doing that type of thing And you know, it's funny as a comic you're always like man, I want to do those things those five minutes sets It's like playing russian roulette. I'd rather just go out And you just to watch somebody do panel you think it's fucking easy and then all of a sudden you have to do panel You're like, oh my god, what if i'm sitting there bombing Um, I had a nice panic attack before I went out there right before I was standing behind the curtain I was just like that. Why am I here? I have nothing to talk about blah blah blah

but uh fortunately It worked out. I did that and then I have an episode of that show the new girl Coming up. I'll let you guys know. I finally decided I'm actually going to tell you what I'm doing As opposed to keep I think I've worn out that, uh Glee joke at this point And I actually got to work with um nick krull Who I have to tell you that guy is one of the silliest funniest motherfuckers I ever worked with the whole cast was awesome

and but nick krull That dude is out of his fucking mind And um, I don't think I've laughed that hard You know, it's a one-camera shoot. So you're doing like 12 hour days and it's like, uh You're like a zombie You know, I actually like doing those things you I started to understand why my dog sleeps all day You know, and it's basically because he has nothing to fucking do She has nothing to do and if you have nothing to do your brain's just like, okay

We don't have to think we're just going to shut this down and you fall asleep And that's what was happening to me I was nodding off was like When you're shooting it's the most exciting fucking thing ever and you feel like you could run a marathon Then I would turn it around or you're not in this next one. You just sit down You have nothing to do everything else is being handled And you're just sitting there waiting for them to tell you where to stand to say the stuff that they wrote, right?

And in that time you just fucking you nod off like a fucking dog um But anyways, we're I'm telling you man check out the krull show I got it here I want I really want to hike this show because I I think this guy's I think he's absolutely fucking brilliant um What the hell is it here come on I'm the worst. I think it's on the one stage What happened? Oh, I know what happened. I had it up there and then my fucking

Piece of shit reported in work Or another reality the reporter that works, but I can't figure out how it works hang on a second The krull show There you go coming central calm The nick krull show is new episodes wednesday at 10 30 9 30 central on uh On a commoner central he's absolutely fucking hilarious Uh, and I really hope that show continues to be a hit anyways. All right, there's that there's the hype for the week Let's get back to uh the podcast um

The hell that I want to talk about Oh that meteor How fucking did you guys see some of the footage people got that thing just appearing out of the sky Now there's somebody somebody's gonna give me shit about technology there We're back in the day you had no idea it was even coming And you were just out there Doing whatever the fuck he did back then right and all of a sudden this thing just comes out of the sky I mean honestly if that thing falls into your house, you're dead, but I was amazed at the amount of people who are out driving around

um If I was driving around I would look like ray leota in the second half of good fellas when he's all coped up looking for that helicopter That would have been me Trying to get my ass to his shelter um That is it is it agreed upon at this point that that's how the dinosaurs uh Died off. Was that a giant meteor? Is that still just a theory? Died off. Was that a giant meteor? Is that still just a theory?

Even though they probably found the crater improved it, but the fucking oh People refused to believe it because somehow that fucks with the adam and eve story How exactly has the church worked in dinosaurs and all that? Adam and eve they were together and they were living in uh paradise and uh They started the human race forget about the incestuous consequences of that math We'll just say it was those two And they were both white yet somehow there was all these different races of people

uh I don't even know if that even makes sense how did different races of people come about you know, it's funny That's like that's a great question to ask when you're in a bar with someone with no scientific or Is it genetical? Is that the word maybe I just asked someone as dumb as me People like oh, you know, uh, this is shit I heard in bars like when I was growing up that like people in africa Were uh or africans. I guess if that's an easier way to say it I went people in africa instead of saying africans the same way everybody who plays basketball now says the game of basketball

Rather than just saying basketball You know when I'm out there playing the game of basketball, you know, we started that michael jordan Somebody said it to him and he liked it as far as I can tell as far as my by watching espn And the nba on shabiesh I think he was the first guy He's the guy who made it cool to say that the game of basketball And these guys all grow up watching michael jordan and they keep saying hearing them say the game of basketball now all these motherfuckers They keep saying the game of basketball. It's like this yoda shit

you know I mean I I really don't I can't really do a reference to yoda because I've only seen that movie a couple of times But I've seen a zillion comics do it where you you put the shit that usually comes last first You know, I don't fucking know, but I'm really sick of hearing people talk about the game of basketball But I am loving lebron james saying that he has the ability to become the best ever You know, I am loving that he's saying that it's just great to hear a guy He's going to try and go for that type of thing and just the fact that he kind of used to get a little tight at the end of the game These guys all the bronze all grown up

You know and plus because I hate laker fans and I hate kobe bryan. I don't hate him personally, but you know I just hate Oh, by the way, how's that whole uh magic bryant shit working out for you? Huh, he's still passing the ball. How many times you you fucking laker fans going to fall for that shit? He's turned over a new leaf. He's actually going to work with the rest of the team You know You guys keep coming back like a battered fucking wife. Oh, maybe won't hit me this time. What quack uh

anyways There's nothing more a Celtic fans enjoys more than watching kobe try and go for 60 points keep shooting kobe Three guys on you. You got it. Turn around jump or take it Get your 42 get your 42 points kobe all day All day, um Anyways, what the fuck am I going here? Now i'm getting all freaked out about this stupid thing

Did I put that I put the wrong card in and then I messed up that I Is it if you put the wrong carding in the thing does that does that mess up the uh the brain? On the thing Is that too technical a question? Hey, you know, it's funny. I I sent out a tweet for uh, this guy And it's really only for guitar players only But um Just how I I don't know the names of shit

This guy is going off on people who don't know the different names of the people But what do you have a maple neck or a rosewood neck? And he the guy's going you dumb motherfucker. It everybody's got a maple neck Come both these necks are maple the fretboard Fretboard is rosewood. You got a rosewood fretboard not a neck. You dumb motherfucker and he's just sitting here going off Then he ends with the greatest he goes, you know Half you people if you just played your guitar half as much as you bitch You might be worth a fuck on the guitar

I don't know. It's tremendous. So anyways, you probably like going hey bill What are you doing? What are you doing back in uh In uh, new york city. I am uh, I am back here. I'm I'm doing a couple of benefits tonight. I'm at bananas and hasbroke heights Uh doing a benefit for a buddy of mine's wife Uh He's sick right now, but it's turning the corner and then tuesday night We are going to have the uh, the big patrice o'neill Benefit slash send off

We're finally going to send him off right and like if this thing has been a long time coming. It's going to be an insane night and uh I'm really psyched to see all the guys who are going to be there and uh, it's definitely a good thing And uh, there you go That's why I'm here and then I'm going to go up to boston on wednesday going up to the will buff My big, uh, of course the Bruins are out of town even though they weren't in town I couldn't watch him because I've been doing a fucking show but Um, all right, is it me or is it the podcast kind of fucking went downhill, hasn't it?

It's kind of it's kind of dipped a little Let's let's get this back Let's get this back on track. So fucking verzi knows that I'm gonna be in hasbroke heights tonight. So you know what he tells me He wants to go to white castle All right You get a bunch of little white castle burgers And a vanilla shake because it's going to be epic now. I'm not going to lie to you I'm not going to say that that is a great but the fact that verzi makes fun of new jersey

You know And this and this you know going to white castle and getting a vanilla shake is his idea Of a great night out. I mean Paul verzi he's so jersey his last name rhymes with it You know He's talking about going to this place like it's going to be a steakhouse and this is the thing I'm white trash too because I'm beyond excited too I want to fire down as many of those burgers as quickly as I can and the key is you got to eat them really fast

Before your body ruins the fun telling you to please stop doing it So if you're coming out to bananas hasbroke heights tonight And about eight nine minutes into my set Despite the fact I'm leaning on the mic stand, but I'm inexplicably sweating. It's not because I'm nervous It's going to be my body trying to is beginning to eliminate The 9 000 calories of uh trans fats. I just put my body, you know, every once in a while you got to keep your body honest You know, I'm starting off great today. I had a banana for breakfast I'm gonna have an apple as a snack and I'm gonna have a giant fucking salad

Old twinkle toes here For lunch and then I'm throwing down. That's how I do it. That's my balanced diet All right I eat like I teach yoga for the first half of the day and john wane from five o'clock on Hey, it's better than what I used to do. I used to start off, you know bacon and eggs and all that type of stuff Uh, I know there's gonna be some people out there going. Hey, you know, there's nothing wrong with bacon and eggs I'm not saying there is All right, but you know

Listen for all you guys out there who eat red meat and you want to say how you know all the The good things about it and everything look it. I'm right there with you I love eating a fucking steak Okay, I drive by a pasture and I have all I can do to not get out of the car and start gnawing on some cow's neck. All right It's fucking disgusting, but it's true um But look Fuck all these diet books go out and eat a giant goddamn salad. Don't drown it in dressing

All right, go with the balsamic vinaigrette. Do that three days in a row and you watch how well your body Um operates Okay You will be a finely tuned machine And you can continue eat your fucking chops and all that crap just eating one giant leafy green salad a day I'm telling you Telling you and not only that it kind of you know quells that sugar salt fucking

Arm wrestle thing that you're doing the whole day It's really been helping me out and I don't have to work out as much and I think that that's uh, that's really the game plan Isn't it don't you want to be in shape and not really have to work out? All right Did I just become some sort of uh, I should have a headset on right now and like doing that that little warm up side to side Two step that they do. Okay, everybody. Thanks for coming out here. We're gonna have a great workout Okay, we're gonna we're gonna start to put your arms out to the side. Let's make little circles. Here we go Now, you know everybody I'm still doing the little side to side. I try to eat one salad every day

I start breathing into that fucking Jen checks and headset Um, all right What do we got here? We got one more advertising in here Oh the one you guys are all waiting for stamps.com everybody If you're sick of going to the post office and you'd like to do everything that you can do with the post office within your own home You need to be go be going to uh be going to stamps.com stamps.com You can buy and print official us posted for any letter or package using your own computer a printer

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um don't wait Go to stamps.com And uh click on the microphone at the top of the homepage or type in burr burr that stamps.com enter burr All right, there you go. Look at saving your time saving your time um Back to the uh Back to the pockets. Let's get to some questions here. Shall we?

Shall we shall we do this? Uh, all right go fucked up world uncle billford I love how you guys every week people you guys are coming up with new different ways to say my name billion billford Billy red face billy fat face Billy begat donuts, um anyways, when are we all when are we all going to vote a joe schmo in as president? Just any other guy than someone who's got this is like classic ballroom talk Just any other Any guy other than someone who's got a payback some corporation or bank that got them there in the first place

I understand you usually tackle relationship advice in a way this pertains to our relationship with this with our country No, dude, I would love to I would love to answer conspiracy theory shit The only reason why I you know what it is is people listen every week and They start I I should start throwing out more topics through conspiracy theory. I'll always do the relationship stuff You want to talk sports anything you want to talk about? Um, I will answer the questions and all you guys have to realize is I am not a fucking expert And I do not know what I'm talking about All I'm trying to do is make you laugh and make you drive to work a little shorter. That's all I'm doing here. All right

anyways He says in a way this pertains to our relationship with our country every day We hear our banks and governments getting away with crazy shit. It's exhausting. I want to shut down ignore and ignore it all But that's what they want. Am I a stubborn and I am a stubborn cunt. So fuck them. What do we do? Thanks frustrated son of a bitch um All right, when are we gonna when are we gonna vote a joe schmoe for president? That's never gonna happen It's impossible to do we would all have to get organized

And the organization to be able to do that um They would figure out that we were doing it Then they would figure out who was leading it and then that person would um Somehow get shot by a lone gunman a lone crazed gunman A sir hand sir hand a an eddy eddy, you know, somebody with a crazy fucking name, you know um and let's just say

For the for the sake argument that we actually all got together secretively and nobody found out and we actually voted a joe schmoe and for president Uh, nobody would work with them No one would work with them And he and it would be in every politician's best interest To have that guy have the worst presidency ever So they could all look at the american people and be like see what happens. Would you know vote democrat or republican? They would just do that. I mean they don't even work with each other if a republican gets in as president

And the house oh i'm getting in over my head The house is that what it's called if that's democratic they won't work with that guy They spend every waking moment trying to fuck over whatever that guy's trying to do It's childish and vice versa Vice versa there, so they don't even work with each other forget about some joe schmoe coming in as president I would say what you have to do Is a ground up thing I would try to

Vote for the most honest person you could As a local town select man Is a regional one of the then they have like sort of regional senators and then state senators and then like senators at a federal level I don't think I honestly don't think that there is a way Um You know what it'd be like It's like you have a leaky faucet And all you're trying to do

Is buy more paper towels and keep wiping up the water and you're never dealing with the leaky faucet. Okay, the shit is It's How do I how do I how do I put this in my own moronic way? All right I've done a lot of people shows You know little acting thing here or a fucking podcast here or a big time radio shows At this point i've done that stuff and this is what I've found if the person at the top is a good shit Everybody if everybody's a good shit Everybody's a good, you know

If the person at the top is not an ego maniac and not acting like an asshole a fucking diva everybody falls in line Because you can't act like an asshole. It's like well, this guy is making more money than all of us and he's peace treating people well You know if I start acting like a dick, then it's just going to expose me as being a dick All right, but if the person at the top is a cunt it it you know and is Just being an unbelievable pain in the ass You know it's that leadership thing it just rolls downhill and everybody acts that way the problem with the world is

It's a fuck or be fucked system that we have All right, and it's like it it starts at the top with a fuck over and they pass that onto the next level And it's hot potato. You're trying to pass the fuck over on You know what I mean? And once you get in the game you end up just doing shit You don't even want to do you just have to do it because that's how the games play It's the whole bringing a knife to a gunfight. You can't do it. It's a gunfight. You got to get a gun and

I don't know how I don't think I honestly don't think The only way to change it is for basically one of these asteroids has to hit The earth and we have to be wiped out like the fucking dinosaurs and it has to start over again you know because We are flawed That's all I could see. Yeah, we're flawed Just in general even if you even if you were able to eliminate sociopaths just in general We're jealous. We're envious. We're cunty

And uh, and we do not handle Power wealth generally speaking. There's the occasional fucking gondi Um, uh a Ralph nader a jimmy carter Now, of course, I gotta name somebody on the right so people don't get all cunty. There's like, uh, it's just I don't I don't know enough fucking people I'm just saying it's very rare Okay, and you know

What the fuck is my phone? What the hell is it? I hear it buzzing. Can you hear it? Is it on the floor? Where is it? Am I gonna get mad at this thing? Oh, there it is right there right in front of me. Oh, that's verzi verzi. He's probably fucking mouth already watering um Yeah, so you say what what do you do about it? I would uh I don't know. I would just listen to people and if they sound honest I would vote for them. That's basically all you can do short of starting of revolution At which point you're gonna have to uh, you know be at the the

I don't know the forefront of uh, a lot of murder Or you know, you can just you know Find love and get it to get yourself a dog And uh, you know Tell some jokes. I don't know. I look I try not to think about it. It's it's um I don't the way I look at it now is just like good. Yeah when I see shit That's I mean this is this is how I deal with the depression of it as I just say Oh good when I see us doing something fucked up. Good. That's oh, that's great

You know, there we go. That will hasten our demise And maybe we can uh Maybe something else will come along. You know, it was the dinosaurs We're just I don't know. I'm not going to say they were dumb But they were kind of just taking up space and then we came along, you know, the asteroid. All right, you know Asteroid comes and whoever's running shit, whatever you believe is like, all right, let's start over again And it was just like an overcorrection Much in the way like feminism

Was an overcorrection No, it wasn't feminists wasn't an overcorrection. What it really was was a bunch of pussy guys who didn't Who never said all right all right? That needed to be said somewhere in the last 20 years There should have been a giant all right You know And I'll tell you right now Believe it or not. That's what every goddamn brought out their needs

Especially the good-looking ones All right, and if you're an honest woman, you know what I'm saying You need a man in your life or if you're gay you need a woman in your life to be like, all right All right enough Which it would we're fucking and guys are the same way we're like these big fucking kids and if we don't The same way if you have a kid and I can speak for this because I've never had one I If you have a fucking kid and the kid has no boundaries

It's gonna be bouncing off the fucking walls acted like an asshole And guys like me are going to be looking at a kid and actually having the intrusive thought of what if I just gave that toddler an uppercut You know like that's how bad the kids behave Like adults are the same way if we don't have Any boundaries that's why so many of these fucking These rich cunts They got all the money in the world they got everything they need and they still fuck their lives up. It's because because they That nobody can keep them in check

It's kind of like when russia fell when russia fell that was one of the worst things that ever happened in this country Russia kept us in check in that, you know, we were sitting there grappling You know, we'd move three feet their way. They'd push us back four feet. Then we'd move five feet. We're just doing that shit Then once they fell down and there was that wide open space Yeah We did all the shit that we've been doing and uh, you know People are kind of looking at us like we're a bunch of cunts now, aren't they? All right. There you go. There I tied Asteroids dinosaurs are in our foreign policy

Without ever reading a goddamn thing about how'd you like that everybody? I think I hit new heights of ignorant, um I'm too stupid even I don't know what word comes next after that. All right, what do we got here? All right, what the fuck is the next one bill our family friend Our friend of the family an investment banker from Yale business school extremely successful was married about five years ago He was married to a bitch who went to harvard law school and worked as a very successful lawyer Even when they were married Okay, so he's an investment banker. She okay. This sounds like an arranged marriage This is one of those things where

Every day somebody in their life has on a blue blazer Anyways, he says by themselves They made more money in a year than most people make in 10 years. That's not their fault They also studied hard enough to get into Yale and harvard or were born into it at which point good for them. They got lucky um You know, you can't get mad at people who got who? We're born into going to Yale and harvard. You can't get mad at that shit unless You are helping out people who are born into sweatshop labor

If you're actually helping them get out of that then you can get mad at that shit But if you're just sitting in the middle wearing sweatshop labor clothes and not giving a fuck and you weren't born into sweatshop labor I don't think personally. I don't think you get mad at someone who's born in that blue blood shit. See that There's another fucking bar room logic for you there. Anyways by themselves They made more money in a year than most people make in 10 years when they got divorced the husband got custody of the kids But the wife got the house And half of every penny the husband Would ever make for the rest of his life

That doesn't make sense Unless they came drew that up Not only could she now easily support herself. She remarried another lawyer That made just as much as her but continues to spend the original husband's money But as far as I know when she gets remarried the the alimony stops As does the child support I believe unless he doesn't legally adopt them I don't know. It's weird and it also goes from state to state and I've also never read up on those laws people just told me about them

Um, anyways, she has no kids to take care of or anything, but she still got everything We live in massachusetts, which means the divorce laws heavily favor females, but still what the fuck. Yeah, uh, it's brutal I think eventually they will be reformed uh reformed Uh reformed or reformed they will be reformed in another shape. They'll be reformed Well, I you know guys if you're still listening to this fucking podcast I mean other than beyond to just listen to how fucking stupid I am to make yourself feel better Please don't listen to me

Uh, yeah, dude. I mean they are what they are Divorce laws are what they are and um I'm done bitching about them because I'm not doing anything. I'm not starting a movement to try and change them Um, I'm a lazy fuck. I like to sit around and complain But um, if you have a petition, I'm all about it. I'll sign it I'll definitely sign it In fairness, um, when the woman makes more money a guy can do that to her too Uh, but the way the world is set up the guys make most of the fucking money. So

I guess that's one of the trade-offs. So In the words of mr. Hand get a good one Fast times rich one high reference to you older people out there get a good one Get yourself a good woman Um, if I ever got divorced if I ever get married and if I ever get divorced, I'm gonna tell you right now I am gonna go into such a zen space I already know what the fuck I'm gonna do I'm gonna get a one bedroom apartment

I'm gonna get an electronic drum kit I'm gonna have one fucking bowl one plate one fork one spoon one knife I'm gonna have a fucking tv gonna have all the sports packages And I'm gonna dress like Malcolm young Which is fucking jeans t-shirt. No belt That's it I'm gonna ride a bicycle And I'm just gonna I'm just I'm tapping out. I'm never going to best buy again

I'm never going to target other than after I get my bowl. Can you buy one bowl? I didn't think you can't You know I'm gonna I will I will I won't even have a vacuum cleaner I'll have a little broom and a dustpan and I am gonna live like a fucking Monk That's it And I'll give her all my fucking money. I'll keep telling jokes. I don't give a shit I'll give her all the fucking money. Hey, you want it. Is this gonna make you happy? Go ahead

Fuck it Fuck it the fuck do I care? You know when it rains do I get wet? No, I don't am I eating every day fine I'm gonna get into that mindset And I'll send her that alimony and child support check and I will draw a big maniacal fucking smiley face on it And uh, that's it And I will show up. You know what I'm gonna buy. I would buy a Chevy citation with the sideways radio

And I would redo that fucker. I'd have the ugliest fucking car on top and underneath would be sweet I teach myself how to do all of that shit, you know, that's what I would do That's what I would I already have the game plan. I you know, this is what this is how you're successful You gotta you gotta have everything all mapped out. I'm not even married yet and I'm still fucking I already have a plan if I get divorced Okay, people You gotta think ahead All right friends ugly chick uncle billy boy if you're fucking divorced right now you want to do that rather than trying to get all your shit back How about this? How about fuck heaven shit?

Huh, there you go. It's about the stupidest thing you ever heard but think about it. This is a brilliance and they're fucking Why do you need to have them you don't need a man cave You know, then something's gonna break down and some you know, whatever the fuck the geek squad's gotta come over there You don't want to deal with that shit How about keeping it simple Have a banana for breakfast You know tape some NHL games or some NBA whatever the fuck you're into Sit there and read the paper

You know I think I'm onto something here Right fuck iPods Get a stereo listen to a record Start churning butter. Just go go the other way Don't let her win. You go the other way start making your own clothes All right, you don't got to go that far, but you know what I'm saying Um anyways

Friends ugly chick take a pasta making class. Um friends ugly chick Jesus. This is gonna be mean uncle billy boy My friend recently got his uh into his first Real relationship this fucking broad is a real cunt to start Uh, she doesn't want him hanging out with any of his friends and basically doesn't let him leave the house Now I gotta tell you something that's complete bullshit Okay, it's okay. I agree with she doesn't want him to hang out with any of his friends. She could be like controlling and But to say she doesn't let him leave the house is this guy literally trying to leave the house

And she's fucking putting him in a headlock You know putting him in a chicken wing or some shit figure four leglock No, your friend is a pussy With a capital P Dash pussy This is to what No, he's he he should be laying down the law He needs to be hey, hey, hey enough settle down

Settle down I'm with you But I'm living a balanced life here. Let me draw a circle here. This is the time I'm spending with you This is the time I'm spending with my friends. This is my alone time This is my drinking bear time. All right The whole circle has to be filled with different shit, sweetheart, or I'm not going to be happy Are you telling me you want me to be miserable? If you are I am leaving for good

If you're not then fucking work with me All right, that's what your friend needs to say before I even get through all this. Anyways, he goes living in Buffalo It is rather customary to go out once a week for chicken wings beer and watch some good god watching some goddamn hockey Oh, by the way shout out to the sabers They fucking own the Bruins It is just a regular season I'm not trying to jinx you guys, but you guys uh

You're kicking our asses. You know what sucks is I taped the last game I'm not trying to avoid an ass kicking But you know for some reason I taped it and I came home and the screen was blank I think it was actually on the nhl network I taped the wrong I taped the wrong one so I actually missed it. Um, I did read the box scores and all that type of stuff You know, I love I love how you guys keep I keep forgetting the guy's name Your big six foot eight inch goon how you guys keep giving Bruins fans shit that Milan Lucic won't fight

Was it John Scott whatever his fucking name what why would why the fuck would you do that? Hey, let's have one of our best players one of the best power forwards in the league Fight a guy Six foot taller than him who weighs 50 more pounds than he does six inches taller than him Whatever five six inches taller outweighs him by 40 50 pounds and who's an absolute goon There's a great trade-off and then we'll have Lucic Who can score goals and actually play the game sit down for five minutes and all you guys do is lose a goon Why would we do that and we're risking?

Having one of our best players get hurt. Why would we do that? That was like back in the day of Montreal canadian fans would get pissed that that he wouldn't fight george la rock You know because he beat up one of their fucking, uh I don't know the fuck he beat up some guy Hey, I don't know someone's going out lucic never fights anybody his size I I click up lucic fight on youtube. I search him the first guy He's fighting as a guy his size who actually weighs more than 15 pounds than him Some guy in toronto and he beats the shit out of him. Okay

Lucic could beat your guy up your fucking family up And uh in something else to make three. All right, stop questioning his toughness. You can do it all you want, but i'm not buying into it Hey, how come your best guy isn't fighting the guy that we have that can't even play? Um Anyway, so let's let's continue on here and by the way you got to go to buffalo fuck Niagara Falls You got to go to uh, was it duffy's or anchor bar? I never I went to anchor bar like the one time in history They ran out of wings. I was with verzi again. We went to anchor bar first The first night and then the second day we were going to a sabers game. We went to anchor bar

And they they ran out of fucking wings. So and I gotta tell you man They make them like nobody else in the goddamn country Um, so anyways, he goes this broad won't even let him out of the house Who won't even let him out once a week for that? She has wrapped his brain so badly warped his brain so badly that he now thinks she is Right in saying we are a bad influence on him We've all been friends since early elementary school for christ's sake and she's only known him a couple of months Here's where it gets fucked up. He's by no means a bad-looking guy and she looks

Like she got bum brushed and was beaten in the face with a club and for the cherry on top on top. She has herpes Now, how do you know that? Unless that guy got out and told you bill. What the fuck do I do to wake him up? Um There's nothing you could do There's nothing you could do come on man. There's like that guy Is either wired to be submissive Or he wasn't raised right

You know I think a big thing You know with the kid that I don't have the way I try to raise my kid that I don't have Is uh, I just realized I've been leaning back and sitting forward. So I'm sure the volume is all over the place. I apologize One of the biggest things you got to do with kids is you got to get him out of this shell You know what I mean? Like I had uh, you know Uh, who the hell was

Who was it one of my friends I'm trying to do is that I don't like talking about people in my life Whatever somebody I knew came down They were only in in their uh I guess right around the high school age and they came down To new york and I immediately first thing I did. I made made them like hail a cab Walk into a bodega. I'd shown them how work if you fucking get a paper You don't have to stand in line just put a quarter down and just hold it up and say post or whatever daily news You know just and got him immediately acclimated

into speaking up And interacting with the fucking city and the person within like you know Two days had that shit down And was like oh man, I feel like a new yorker and like that that's what you have to do with kids. You got to get them um You can't have those kids that hide behind your fucking leg when when um That you know you're meeting someone this is mr. So and so and they're hiding behind your leg You can't have that you got it from fucking day one get them out there

shake hands Look people in the eye talk and you I don't know how to do it because I never had a kid But I think it's really important to have To get your kid in tune with what? He or she is thinking and what he or she wants nobody wants that situation um And if this woman is the way your painting are out to be This is the only type of person because she's so fucking insecure that she can actually be with

that she has to find somebody so weak that um That person's going to allow them to just completely take over their lives And I'll tell you what's funny is after a while these controlling type of fucking people they end up hating the person that they're with They do because they just don't respect them after a while You know what I mean? They finally got exactly what they wanted this person that they can use like a fucking robot and then in the end they don't respect them so um I don't know what I would um

You know what dude? This is a childhood friend. I could tell you really wanted to guide back. He take a shot Taking it back um Don't say that she's ugly. Don't mention her herpes It's just be like I mean, dude, I you're literally trying to Undo this guy's hard drive at this point if this guy's self-esteem is this fucking low. This is you know This is like wait why the dr. Phil show sucks is because somebody's going to come in here

And then this is like you're talking to this guy. I'm guessing is at least in 25 years old You're talking about a quarter of a century of thinking one way and then you watch dr. Philly be like you got to stick up for yourself Do you want to go out with your friends? You got a teller All right, we're going to commercial and like it doesn't work like that and also on dr. Phil's show He would never do that because he would actually be supporting the fucking god Okay, and at the end of the day, it's a goddamn business and who watches that show but a bunch of brats um

Yet you somehow know something about it. Don't you bill? Well, I live with a woman She doesn't watch him anymore. I just kept making fun of how dr. Phil looks like a crooked cop um I don't know. He just I got just not look trustworthy to me at all I I mean, you know, I'm just judging him. You know the same way people judge me It's all fair. It's all fair and loving war. All right. That's the podcast for this week everybody. Um I'm actually going to go to a sports bar here and watch the islanders. I'm becoming a fucking islanders fan I've been watching them lately that turn in the corner

I hated them when they were a kid just because they were awesome and every time the Bruins Would get the the one time and we we never got past the canadiens back in the day The uh, if we somehow lucked out and somebody else beat the canadiens. This is pretty 1988 We basically owned the fucking canadiens Since 1988 I hope you guys realize that Montreal you guys have not been a fucking factor In our lives since 1988. It's been great It's been a wonderful 25 years. Anyway, you guys are saying, oh, we beat you in this playoff series beating that playoff series

Hey, that shit's gonna happen. We used to never beat you all right Good luck with your rebuilding I'm just fucking with you. I actually like what you guys are doing up there. Um, okay What am I talking about here? That's the podcast for this week. Uh Anything I have to announce. I'm at the wilbur theater this weekend. Thank you everybody for buying the tickets I'm going to try to give you a heck of a show Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit. And if you're in a relationship like that, uh, last guy you need to get out of it

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