Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-2-17
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00:29difference.Hey, what's going on?It's Bill Byrne.It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast andI'm just checking in on you.Just checking in on you.How's your week going?How are you surviving?
00:50How are you surviving the first couple of weeks here of fucking the new America?I wasted 90 minutes last night texting with somebody on some big stupid fucking politicalargument.I can't handle it anymore.I can't handle people that, you know, the thing I, I really don't like the most abouta, I don't know.I hate people who say that I'm an independent, I'm not this party.I'm not down.
01:19I'm an independent.You know, in California, evidently, according to the three minutes of research that I didthat if you register, you, that's like, you're actually registering to the American independentparty, which is actually more conservative than Republicans evidently, which is somethingI don't understand about politics.I just don't understand why no means yes.Yes means no.Why if there's a bill, let's have safe drinking water for children all in favor.
01:48Yes.Like attached to that is other shit like, Hey, they can indefinitely detain Americancitizens without a trial.They'll tack that onto that.So then when somebody else votes against it, clean water for kids because of that shitthat's tacked onto it, then when they go to run, they go, this guy doesn't want cleanwater for kids.Can't I fucking, I fucking give up.
02:15I give up.I poke my head out for a second and I'm, I'm, and that's it.I'm putting my head back in the sand.I'm going back to watching sports.Oh, Billy fuckhead is going right back where he belongs.You know, Celtics finally beat the Raptors.Huge win.And God damn it, those capitals of Washington are God damn it.
02:35They're good.They fucking beat the Bruins, you know, Marshawn with another two goals, racking it up.We actually Bruins one, three in a row.It's good.It's like the strongest part of our season so far.And anyway, so I've been getting back out there doing standup now that I've settledin being a dad and all that type of stuff.This is really like the preseason of being a dad, you know, when your kid can't move
02:55really without you.It's once they start crawling.That's like game.That's the first game of the season, but like early on right now I'm like in August tryingto get the roster down to the fucking whatever it is, 44 man roster, whatever the hell Ineed, because I guess you can think this parenting thing is pretty easy during the first threemonths, you know, even though you're not really fucking sleeping or anything, just gettingup and shit, changing diapers, but it's still not as bad as all these pussies say.
03:22There's such fucking pussies.Dude you have no idea.Shut the fuck up.We used to live in caves, you asshole.You have no idea.You can't handle the truth.Do you know I never saw that movie?A few good men.
03:38It just seemed too actory to me.Everybody with their real tense fucking faces, you know, delivering dialogue in their militarydress.Did I ever tell you how much I can't stand movies about fucking trials?I was actually in one.I just realized that.But that one was different because I was in it.I just can't fucking watch him after a while.
04:03Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm asking you, put yourself in the place of the defendant.They're always like super, super fucking dramatic.Have you ever sat in on a real trial?Have you ever been in one?I actually sat in one.Buddy of mine became a lawyer and I came down and I watched him try a case and it's notlike obviously the way they do it on TV or in movies, but what was unbelievably compellingwas somebody's freedom was on the fucking line and that was what was riveting.
04:33Not what the fuck people were saying.What they were saying was very like, you know, I'd like to submit Exhibit A into the challenge.And he just said, they're gone.And I actually watched somebody, I don't know, they got pulled over and there was drugs inthe car and there was some sort of gun involved and shit.And I was just sitting there.I just couldn't get over the fact looking at the defendant going like this.That's not an actor.
04:57That's like a real fucking person.If he did it, that fucking guy's a lunatic.He's driving around with drugs.He's got a gun in the car.What the fuck is he?This guy's a real life maniac.Or what if he's fucking innocent?It was all of that shit.
05:12And then I was sort of looking around.There was like nobody really there.And I looked over in the corner.There was this old lady sitting there like knitting, sort of looking up, listening, andshe was like knitting.I don't know what the fuck she was knitting.You know, old lady, she's just knitting.So at the end I talked to my buddy and I was just like, wow, man, that was like, I kind
05:27of feel guilty, but that was like really entertaining.He goes, yeah, you know, it's real shit.I said, you know, I wouldn't be surprised if like, do you have like court groupies?Do people just come down and sit in on these trials just for the entertainment value ofit?And he goes, yeah, that's what that old lady was doing.Lot of old people do it, you know, during the day, you know, they don't have air conditioningor something.
05:52They come in, they sit down and they just listen to the trials.It's free.You can go down and do it.And there was something, I don't know, because it's old, they're old people, you can't gettoo upset about, but there was something kind of gross about it.I mean, I came down to watch my buddy, I was proud of him and everything.But then after a while, how interesting it was and how much I got into it, I actuallyhad this level of guilt of like, you know, this shouldn't be like, I shouldn't use this
06:20for entertainment purposes, but I got to tell you, it was a fucking great time sitting inon a trial.If it's a good one, you know, there's drugs, there's a gun, I mean, I want to see anybodyget hurt, but when they pull you over, he took a swing at the cop, but that's a good,that's a good one.That's a good episode to go down, you know, so there you go.That's real law and order, as opposed to boo boo boo boo boo, right, watching that shit,you can actually go down the street for free.
06:50You could be a cable.You don't even need fucking cable.If you have the, if you have the time, we got the beer.If you got the fucking time, you can just go down to court and that can be your basiccable.Hey, did you see lost this week?No, no, I didn't.But you know, did you see that fucking guy who went to jail for 10 years for a vehicular
07:12homicide or whatever the fuck, whatever the fuck you go to jail for, what do you go tojail for?Um, anyway, so I've just been up to my neck and all the baby issues have probably changedlike nine million diapers.It was fucking hilarious.I found yesterday, right?My wife, Nia just needed, she just needed an hour's sleep, right?And women in the beginning, they're fucking doing everything.
07:34All you have to do is change the diapers, make an attempt to burp them or whatever, but theygot to just keep feeding the kid breastfeeding, right?So you start to feel like, you know, guilty, like I'm not doing shit.So I was just determined, like I'm going to have this kid for like the next hour, giveher a great hour's sleep and I was able to hour and 15 minutes before the kid was finallyjust like, look, I need something.I need what you don't have.All right.
08:00I need to go downstairs.I need a solo cup.I need to, you know, I need the little cake party here, right?So I was just walking around with her and I was singing all these songs and everything.And then I actually for whatever fucking reason, I started singing the Canadian National Anthemand it worked.And I always forget.I was, oh, Canada home made native land.
08:26This party drew patriot love and all our stars pardoned.This party, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah, blah, who from far and wide all Canada, we stand for and for he.And the best part about God, keep the land.Right.Fucking walking around from room to room upstairs.I sang the Canadian National Anthem for like a fucking half hour straight.And you're so fucking focused on keeping your kid sleeping that the insanity of that it
09:02doesn't hit you till afterwards when you give your baby back to your wife and then you goupstairs to make a sandwich and you're still singing the song and you can't stop doingit.You know, what was the name of that movie with that guy?That guy, midnight express, the guy traveling abroad gets busted with the drugs.Remember those fucking lunatics that were all in the prison and they were just sortof marching in the same direction.And he started walking in the other direction and like freaked him out, but they were just
09:33like these fucking, the people just completely lost their sanity.That's what it felt like, you know, I mean, not just singing national anthem for a halfhour straight is a fucking insane thing to do.Forget about it.If it's not even your country's national anthem, I mean, I literally felt like a traitor,even though that they're an ally of ours.And I just feel like, you know, maybe Donald Trump's going to call me today and give mea heated fucking conversation about what I just did.
09:58Maybe I'm going to get deported.Um, anyway, I'm not going to get into that shit fucking 90 minutes of my fucking like,like you, you're so, it's so dumb.And I know it's like, I'm literally going to make this person admit.Or agree with me or anything, or I'm going to step his way and agree.It's just, it's fucking pointless.Um, it actually affected my set last night, just spending 90 minutes in that fucking never-endingcircle of horseshit and, uh, I got to stop doing that.
10:31I almost needed to come home and meditate again.I'm really getting into that shit, just clearing my head, not flipping out.I think I flipped.Did I flip out yesterday?That fucking pissed me off yesterday.I can't even remember, but I'm getting, I'm getting way better at it, you know?But anyways, I want to thank Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, uh, Bill Simmons, uh, everybodythat Joe Rogan podcast, Joe Rogan experience, everybody that helped me promote my special.
10:58My special is out right now.It's doing great.People are really enjoying it.Thank you so much for watching it.Please, uh, let other people know about it.I am now, um, vigorously trying to write my new hour, um, and have some sort of lifeoutside of being a dad, uh, cause I don't want to bore you guys with an hour long fuckingthing about, I'm so, I'm a dad, I'll tell you, I'm wearing the same clothes, fucking
11:23four days in a row.I'm not going to do that to you.All right.Um, I already got some good shit.I already got some shit that is good and that I'm going to be bringing towards you.So, uh, I guess Obama, before he left, he signed, uh, a Christmas bill making alternativemedia illegal.Uh, this bill will criminalize, criminalize fake news propaganda on the web.
11:48A key piece of legislation meant to crack down on free speech and independent media.In layman's terms, the act will allow the government to crack down with impunity againstany media outlet it deems is propaganda.Uh, the next piece of legislation will provide substantial amounts of money to fund counterpropaganda to make sure the government's approved stories drown out alternative mediaand journalists who question the status quo.There you go.Isn't that great?
12:17There's your hope, everybody.Oh, what a cunt.That's why I don't like Democrats.They're at least Republicans, you know, they, they, they come out as cunts.You know, they're a cunt.You know, they don't care about you.These fucking assholes have the nerve to, well, I guess the Republicans sell it to the fuckingdopes in the middle of nowhere.
12:43We're going to make it great again.All these people that think it's going to be great again, you're still going to fuckinghave your face pressed up against the Walmart window the day after Thanksgiving.You know, the fact that you as an American have to consider that fucking option is howas hard as you fucking work is, is ridiculous.There's nothing that's, that is the thing that nothing makes me more sad.Well, I guess something else does, but I can't think of it right now, but that is a very sadmoment every year in America.
13:15When you see people putting their literally their own wellbeing at risk, trying to finda fucking DVR recorder for $3 before the next person is just, that's just a sad fuckingthing.It shouldn't be done.People should have enough money to go into a store like a fucking human being and buysomething that they don't need, shouldn't they?Speaking of which, I got rid of some more shit.I'm really fucking enjoying this stuff, just getting rid of all of this shit.
13:50I have to do it.I'm going to do it before my kid starts walking or crawling.You know what I mean?Or maybe they make some sort of little playpen thing that you can put them in, right, wherethey feel like they have free reign, but they don't.You know what I mean?It's a very fucking governmental thing.Make them feel like they're free, but they're not.
14:08How can I do that?How can I apply the same things that governments apply to my own child?I got to figure out how to do that.But then they're moving around and you got to worry about what are they going to door you got to get a child-proof everything.There's got to be gates and there's got to be shit and outlets.I'll tell you, man, that's a weird thing about living with a baby.It's just like you're living with this thing that just it doesn't know anything, but you
14:34can't get upset by it, you know, like we all have that friend that's like a fucking moronand you can just be like, you can just, you can walk away from them because at the endof the day, you know, they can, they can still go out and make themselves a bowl of cereal.Jesus, but what are you talking about?You know, I'm not getting any sleep.What do you want from me?I don't know what to say, you know, but I'm actually kind of psyched when my big thingis I just want her to be able to start moving around so we can start playing catch.
15:03All right.And if she doesn't want to play catch, it's not going to be an option.I won't have it.I will make her hate the game of catch.That's something that you got to avoid, I guess, as a parent, right?Like you have such hopes that they're going to like what you like that you could actuallymake them not only not like what you like, but fucking hate it and then hate you andnot call you unless it's on the fucking holidays.
15:34So hopefully she'll enjoy it.I'll just sort of leave like, you know, I don't know, baseball laying around, maybeshe'll get into it, throw it through a fucking window.My wife will get mad, but I won't care.Oh, yeah, look at that, look at the arm.Anyways, all right, plowing ahead here.What the fuck was I going to talk about?I'm trying to avoid politics and fucking baby talk, but I mean, I mean, that's kind of my
16:01fucking life at this point, right?How did this happen?Where is it here?Where's the time?What's going on in the world?I have no idea.I'm going to try to look up some Google news to see what's going on in the world.Evidently, Trump had a very short phone call with Australia.
16:19How the fuck do you get into a fight with Australia is beyond me.If this is even true, I have no fucking idea.And then McCain called up and said, Hey, man, like, don't listen to him.We still like you guys.This is very quick.There's some guy who looks like a, he looks, I don't know what he looks like.He looks like a fucking magician.He was going to speak at UC Berkeley, Yiannopoulos, I guess he's a big Donald Trump supporter and
16:46he goes to UC Berkeley and oh my God, was there a protest?This guy's a whore.Like he didn't know that was going to happen.Jesus fucking Christ.And then Beyonce put out a really weird creepy picture saying that she's having twins.I actually looked at the picture and kind of burst it out laughing.I don't know.It gets so famous.
17:08Why can't you just say you're having twins?Oh, why do you even have to announce it?You know what I mean?We're announcing to the world.Um, I mean, I guess I brought it up.I don't know.I kind of did.We should have done a photo shoot.
17:28What is the hidden message in Beyonce's photo shoot?There's a hidden message.She's wearing like a veil.I mean, I just don't understand.Kind of a, who does a photo shoot?Why am I looking at this?Why am I looking at this?Um, anyways, all right.
17:51So all Billy dad bodies got to hit the fucking treadmill today.I got to start eating well.And um, I don't know what to think as far as like what you can eat, what you can't eat.You know, people say avoid saturated fats and then I go on the Rogan podcast and hegoes, nah, man, that was all bullshit that was put out there by the sugar companies.And I guess I could sit down and read it, but I just don't, uh, I don't, I don't havethe time.So I just decided, well, you know what, fuck it.
18:18I'll have a steak and I'll have it with, uh, have a little, little garden salad and that'llbe all right.And you know what?I woke up this morning and I didn't die of a heart attack.So there you go.So I guess he's right.So I'm going to try to avoid sugars as much as I can and try to eat some goddamn steaks.The fuck is a button here?
18:37Sorry.Every once in a while this, I fuck up with my recorder and I don't, um, I don't recordit on the right speed and then it takes like nine years to fucking upload.Anyways.Oh, hey, you know what's going on?The Super Bowl, the Super Bowl this weekend, a little bread and circus for everybody.The Super Bowl.Um, Patriots going for their unprecedented fifth fucking, oh, Tom Brady's going for his
19:04fifth fucking ring.Actually, we're also going for our fifth Super Bowl title against the Falcons who are a majorproblem.Um, like I said, I'm going on the record.I think it's going to be a classic.If you can get the Falcons with four more points, I like that.And I also like the under 59.I like the fucking under because everybody else was like, dude, it's going to be a fucking
19:25shootout, dude.You know, they start looking at those fuck the stat.I love looking at the stats of what they did during the regular season.It's like, this isn't the regular season.This is completely fucking different.You know, this guy's rolled for 500 fucking yards a game.Yeah.Against 90% of teams that aren't in the fucking playoffs anymore.
19:48You got to adjust it all down.You know, you got to go negative, negative, whatever stats you see, you have to adjustit down because each week you're going to play a better fucking team, you know,within, you know, the theory, right?The theory says that.So, um, I have no vibe whatsoever, um, when it comes to this game, because, you know,according to the regular season, the Falcons do not have a good defense, butaccording to what I've seen in the playoffs against Seattle, then
20:19pesky, dirty birds up there in Washington, right?And against the Green Bay Packers, whatever the fucking packer is, loadingtrucks, whatever the hell it is, putting cheese, right?Putting cheese in your fucking caboose, whatever it is they do up there, youknow, um, the defense looks solid there.And, um, I guess I was sitting there saying the Falcons have a great runningback every day, only they have two running backs that can get the fucking job done.So I think this is going to be a, and then the fact that Matt Ryan also is
20:49mobile, which means if you shut everything down, that fucking red cunt canstill do that diagonal quarterback run where you run right to the first downmarker and you're sitting at home as a fan going, all right, and he keeps thedrive going after yet another third down.I, I expect a lot of that and I think it's going to come down to the wire.That is my prediction.It's going to go right down to the wire.I hope the Patriots come out on top and I predict myself, uh, a lot of times
21:15during the game, watching Matt Ryan run for five or six yards as ice cream forfucking, it's going to drive me up the wall.I fucking hate mobile quarterbacks unless they're on my team, which we've neverhad since Steve Brogan, Steve Brogan was considered mobile, you know, that nakedbootleggy did on Monday night football.That was the highlight of scrambling in the, uh, 60 years of fucking 50 years,56 years of New England Patriot, Boston Patriot fucking football.That was it in like 1976.
21:53We had, we had a 50 yard naked bootleg on Monday night football.And other than that, it has just been, you know, drew blood.So I mean, you could literally drew blood.So you could literally zoom an office chair down the street faster than that.I could fucking run, you know, one of those classic staples piece of shit,plastic fucking wheels, even with the pebbles on the street.If you could fucking push that thing 40 yards faster than Drew could run it.I'm telling you, and Brady is not fucking mobile.
22:23So, um, you know, you know, what is great about not being a mobile quarterback isyou really have to know how to throw them.Cause I find with the mobile quarterbacks, then if they can really run, thennever quite as good at throwing the fucking ball.So what happens is, is as they get older, they, they get exposed when they haveto kind of stay in the pocket and just be like a pocket pastor.That's, that's, that's my theory.That's completely not researched.
22:51So I think it's going to be a real close one and, um, you know, don't listento all the fucking analysts and then if the Patriots lose, they're going to actlike it was this giant fucking upset, you know, cause that's what ESPN does.You know what I mean?They fucking totally overhyped it one way.And then in the other way, then the, you know, then they go, were we fairto these Falcons of Atlanta?And they completely turned rich.
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25:26All right.Lift.You know about lift, right?It's the app that gets you right in minutes, man on demand 24 seven for lessthan the cost of a cab.Please include all of the falling points during your read.Well, if you write it, I'll read it.If you tried lift, you know what I mean with lift.
25:43You just download the app, request a driver and they show up in three and ahalf minutes on average.That's really fast.Every lift driver is fully vetted through their 10 point safety standard,including criminal and DMV background checks.You'll know you'll get around quickly and safely unlike that other app.That other one.That rhymes with moober.
26:08Well, you can, you can fucking, you can walk up, you can fucking walk intothat office with a goddamn bloody axe.And they'd be like, do you got a car?Yeah.I got a van, man.All right.You're hired.Lift drivers are rated after every ride.
26:22So only the best stick around.You don't have to worry about getting into a filthy car with somecreepy dude with lift.You can tip in the app, which obviously leads to happier drivers.I mean, nine out of 10 lift rides, get a perfect five-star rating.It's just a better all around experience.Bigger isn't always better.Huh.
26:39Oh, tell that to a size queen.Lift isn't the biggest ride sharing app, but it's the fastest growing and highestrated one.I'm talking quality over quantity.Thanks to lift.You got an easy way to avoid drunk driving.You never have to bum a ride.You never have to worry about parking.
26:54A lot of people are actually getting rid of their cars and relying on lift toget around.And you know what?Evidently, I don't blame them.Why would you say that?I don't feel, I don't feel that.If you want to do, I, that's amazing if you can do that shit, but you know,there's no more road trips, you know, going out to the desert, eating some
27:15fucking peyote, whatever these fucking kids are doing.Okay.Right now, lift is offering our listeners a special deal.Get three free rides up to $10 each.That's an up to $30 value.When you enter the promo code, Bill Burr, just download the free lift app todayand enter promo code Bill Burr in the pay section.You'll start with three free rides up to $10 each.
27:34That's up to a $30 value.That's promo code Bill Burr.Enter promo code Bill Burr.I just came up with a great serial killer fucking movie idea.All right.This is, this is how the guy gets his victims.He just goes out to a bar.He has a drink.
27:52He calls one of those fucking, you know, uh, lifts or Ubers, right?And he just has him drive him back to the house.They pull up to the house.He just bonks him over the fucking head, brings him into his house.So horrors.And then he has keeps the cars, right?He read does him gas monkey style.He files down the engine number and all that way.
28:12He puts a new engine in it, the, the, the, the VIN number.And then he takes him to meet them, right?The auction, he auctions off all the cars of these dead Uber drivers and liftdrivers, maybe not meet him.I don't think that they would be interested in the fucking Toyota crested.Whatever.He goes to, he goes down to Clearwater, Florida or some shit.He sells them down there.
28:36He makes his fucking money.He takes that money.He uses it to pay off his creepy fucking house.Right.And, uh, I don't know where he goes from there.I don't know.Maybe they did that.No, what was it?
28:48What was the name of that movie?Not that movie.Um, Dexter, they probably did that on Dexter at some point.I mean, that, that show started off.It was interesting.Then after a while, I just kind of left it.And then when I came back, he wanted to bang his sister and they were both allright with it, yet not a right with it.
29:05You know, I was just like, wow, that is the definition of writing yourself into a corner.All right.Oh, look who's back.Everybody, but do do do me on these me on these riding around.And Uber, but do do do me on these me on these some, some, some goober.Oh, your balls won't stick to the guy's fucking chair.You drive around.You don't care.
29:28He might be a serial killer, but who gives a fuck?Your balls feel nice and soft.Oh yeah.I don't think this is my house.Is that a lead pipe?All right.Me on these everybody picture a world where putting on a new pair of underwearisn't just fresh.
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31:51We got two more.I can't, I can't subject you guys to listen to me read out loud this fuckinglawn.Can I let's talk about some, let's keep flushing out this fucking movie.All right.So then the cops show up, you know, and God knows I'll probably be playing thesidekick, right?I got that role on lock, you know, I'd fucking show up and just be like, Hey,
32:14yeah, you mind if we ask you a couple of questions?You know, uh, I noticed you have like a, uh, you have like 15 late model carsout here.What is it about, uh, boring sedans that you find SUVs that you find soexciting?Are you a car collector?You know, the guy gradually invites me in and he fucking hits me on the head.Next thing, you know, I'm down in that hole with that fucking chick, you know,
32:43who's probably the same size as me.So we got to play rock, paper, scissors to figure out who's going to standon who's fucking shoulders.You know what I mean?That was such a great move when she got the dog to come down there and she wasjust like, I will fucking snap this thing's neck.Who was the actress that played in?She was, I, I remember when I saw that, I'm like, that, that woman is a star.
33:03I thought she was fucking amazing in, uh, in that movie.Everybody talked about, um, what's her face there from taxi?You know, and of course they talked about the other guy who played the guywith the, who dressed like he had, he drove an ice cream truck, you know, andhe, he had the guys live with the fava beans.Sir Anthony Hopkins.What is it about English people that they think it's an honor to get knighted?You know, I feel the life of me.
33:31Why the fuck do you show up to that shit?What, what are the perks to being part of this round table that never goes tobattle?Do they give you a fucking suit of armor?You know, I don't fucking, I don't understand any of that shit.Uh, well, Bill, maybe if you read up on it, well, you know what?Fuck you.I'm gonna, here we go.
33:51Here we go.Let's see.Um, what would you do?What does it mean to be knighted?What are the perks?These are the breaks.Here we go.What perks are being knighted by the queen?
34:11Here we go.Um, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.Oh, this is just regular people talking.So this would be even dumber than the shit that I say.As I observed in a response to a very similar question on the subject, I haveread comments from people with knighthood suggesting that the biggest advantagetends to be the ability to get a table at a smart restaurant more easily andusually to be offered a better table.
34:37That's it.Other than that, my only brush with the system is that the husband of someoneI used to work with was knighted a few years ago for his work in fiber optics.Um, Jesus Christ, they let anybody in.You wouldn't be able to read this on your mobile phone without him and his team.He is now Sir David N.Payne.He remains a pleasant modest man.
34:59And I don't think his life has been greatly changed by the title, though hiswife probably quite likes being lady Payne lady, but both he and his wife stillneed to work for a living.So that's, that's what you get.I guess you get a better table at a restaurant.Uh, I guess it's so commands a certain amount of respect in some circles,but it's increasingly less influential.What did it used to me?
35:24You know what it used to me?It used to mean you could bang the king's fucking daughter, right?You know, you just take off your pants, part of your suit of armor and you justbanging away, but you just clanging, you know, you still got the shit on on top.It sounds like a bunch of toasters being beaten to death, you know, but you knowwhat, I bet that that was an aphrodisiac back in the day for those ladies withtheir chastity belt, any sort of sound of metal.They were so fucking repressed.
35:50Is that true bill?I don't fucking know.All right, dollar shave club, everybody.Oh Jesus, you're an animal.You need to shave your back.You need to shave your back.You're fucking.All right, dollar shave club, everybody dollar shave club always gives you a
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37:08It's an amazing shave and an affordable price.There's no smarter choice on the market.And right now, they're giving away a one month trialof any of their new razors for a dollar with free shipping.And that's about, and after that, it's just a few bucks a month.There's no long-term commitments, no hidden fees.You fucking get it, right?Get one trial, get one free trial, whatever.
37:31Dollar shave, get your online dollar trial.Sorry, at dollarshaveclub.com slash burr.That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr.And mercifully, mercifully, this is the last read.And it's a nice, quick one.Legal zoom, everybody.The holiday hangover is gone, right?So are all your relatives and all those fucking people
37:51you got to deal with, you know, and everybody with theirironic, ugly fucking sweaters.It's all gone.The New Year's dust has settled.You've broken all of your fucking resolutions.So now you can finally get around to doing the thingsyou've been putting off for way too long.And legalzoom.com is where to make it happen.
38:10Whether you want to launch the business of your dreams,or you'd like to take control of your family's future,within a state plan, legal questions should never stand in the way.Well, thanks to legal zoom, they don't.The legal world can be challenging without a doubt.But that's exactly why legal zoom was created over 15 years ago,to provide you with the tools and know how to wrap up yourlegal needs with confidence.
38:34You can even receive legal advice at flat rates fromlegal zooms network of attorneys licensed in 48 states.They'll help you with the right estate plan or answer anyquestions you have about starting and running your business.All without billing by the hour since legal zoom isn't a law firm.Right now you should be like, Bill,why aren't you trying to make this copy funny?It's because I need to do all of this shit now because I have a kid.
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39:26Check out legal zoom.com.That's legal zoom.com.All right.That's the podcast.Have a great weekend.You cunts.I hope this is as great as Super Bowl as I think it's going to be.May the best team win.
39:37Congratulations to Atlanta for, you know, your team getting thereand all the fans of New England.I hope it's going to be a great one.Do not watch any pregame or post game.Do what I do.Have some friends over.Get the real going, tape the game, shut your phones off.Don't look at a computer.
39:54Let the game get 90 minutes out in front of you.Then sit down and fast forward through all the commercials,the halftime show, all of the bullshit.You'll catch up with the rest of the world around fucking, I don't know,late third quarter, early fourth quarter.Then you can turn your fucking phone on and you can read all your friendsgoing all day.Dude, dude, I called it and then see how fucking wrong they are.
40:18You can read it and, you know, rather than having to deal with them,you probably should.I mean, personally, I keep my phone off for the whole gamebecause I don't want to be distracted.It's the most important game of the year.And we will see what happens.We will know the next time you hear the soothing sounds of my freckled voice.Go fuck yourselves.
40:34Have a great weekend.Hey, this is Bill Burr.I don't know what the fuck is going on with this GCast name.This is the second time I've battled for 50 minutes.I've done 100 minutes of podcasts this fucking week.And every time I do a long, I don't know.I don't know if I'm talking too long.I don't know what the fuck is going on.
41:22But the only thing it seems republishing is these little snippets herewhen I'm fucking pissed that it didn't fucking work.So if you know my page, usually I do one of these every fucking weekend it works.All right.There's other ones.Listen to those ones.I don't know what's going on.I don't know.
41:39I don't fucking know.What a goddamn week.There's no money falling from the skybecause a man took my heart and robbed me blind.Young months know my brand new Chevroletand the rent is due.I got no place to stay.And it's hard to say just that something's never changed.
42:07And it's hard to find in this dream to draw the line.Oh, I'm just burning through in the new time dance.I'm just burning through in the new time dance.Hey, what's going on?It's Bill Burr.And this is the Monday Morning Podcast, I hope.And I don't know what to do here.Should I just keep babbling?
42:44Because it seems that if I just go, you know, test one, two, three,cunt, and then I hang up, it doesn't have a fucking problemwith just posting a short one.But then when I babble for like an hour,at least this was last week.I'm judging this entire thing on last week.So I want to take a leap of faith here.And I'm just going to do this goddamn podcast,
43:12hoping that it's going to save it.So with that, hey, what's going on?It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcastfor the week of what the hell is it?February 1st, February 2nd.Is that what it is?I don't know.Yeah.
43:31What did you guys think of the Super Bowl?Did you like it?Did you think it was amazing?You know, it was like it was like that movie Step Brothers.I don't know if you saw it.Like Step Brothers, the first fucking half hour, 40 minutes,you're watching it going, this might be the worst fucking movie I've ever seen.And then all of a sudden, it just became hilarious.
43:51And I was like, wow, I think I got to own this on DVD.That's what I felt like the Super Bowl was like, you know?First fucking, I don't know what, three and a half quarters?Whatever.Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers, your sons of bitches.You're right back fucking out there.Six championships.You guys rose up from the ashes.
44:16You know, you won your four in the 70s.And then we didn't hear shit from you.For what?Almost 20, 25 years or some shit.And now you're right back out there.Right by the Cowboys and 49ers.And somehow you got three more championships than the Patriots.And I got to admit that bugs me.
44:33I was pulling for the Cardinals just for the simple fact I didn't want to be three behind you.But you got to admit, you guys fucking won it.I didn't think Ben Roffensberger had that in him.And Jesus Christ, why am I breaking down the game like I'm on fucking ESPN?Nobody gives a shit, Bill.No one gives a fuck.So anyways, last week I tried to do a podcast and I got to admit, I'm a little burned outon these fucking things.
45:01You know, last week just, it just really took a lot out of me.I'm not saying I don't enjoy doing them, but I did two 50 minute fucking podcasts.And I went to Hit Save and the fucking computer voice is just like,we're having technical difficulties.Goodbye.And we just hang up just like that.There wasn't even, I'm sorry.If you have a problem, maybe you could dial this number.
45:28It was just like, we're having technical difficulties.Goodbye.And the way she says goodbye was like, go fuck yourself.Two 50 minute podcasts.Do you know how my fucking left ear was red for like three daystalking on the phone that fucking long and I had nothing to show for it.My 14 listeners just hanging in the balance.Waiting to hear the results of the contest of who could come up with an original.
45:56I've got my fucking prostate tickled joke.You know, with the bill, bro, why do I do this DVD hanging in the balance?And what do I get?What do I get?I get some shitty ass fucking computer voice.Goodbye.Who is that computer voice anyways?You know what I mean?
46:18I hope it's in an abusive relationship.You know, I mean, that's not even advocating violence against women.I'm advocating violence against that female computer fucking voice.It needs to be slapped around by a goddamn.What if it an Android?Is that what happens nowadays?You know, this is what happened the other day.I went to the Super Bowl party.
46:39Went to a Super Bowl party and everything was going great.And I was feeling like the party was enjoying me and my presence.And I don't know how it happened.Somehow I just became that fucking guy again.The guy was ruining the party.Somehow somebody brought up Bob Dylan.And I was just like, you know, I've tried so hard to listen to that guy,but I kind of think he sucks.
47:09You know, I can't understand what he's saying.And even when I've looked at his lyrics, like, you know,I don't think they're that deep.What a time they are changing.You know, I don't mind.I don't mind that tangled up in blue.That's not my song.He would, he would, he would do.
47:29And I have it, he would have it.Oh, and he would have it.Oh, tangled up in blue.You know, by doing a hacky fucking.I really am doing really one of the hackiest impressions out there.Other than Jim from Taxi.I'm doing a fucking bad Bob Dylan.So I just said, you know, you know, this is what I really didn't have an opinion
47:48one way or the other about Bob Dylan.I kind of thought he was okay.But I always read Rolling Stone magazine because, you know,I'm always going to airports and it comes out every couple of weeks,whatever the fuck it does.So I always, I always pick it up.And, you know, the, the upper level management of Rolling Stone,I mean, I guess they're from the 60s.
48:09And in their world, Bob Dylan can do no wrong.And, you know, I don't know, the guy's on like his 85th album.And he's still getting rave reviews and Rolling Stones.Just one of Bob's greatest fucking works since his 78th album.You know what I mean?I don't know.Maybe I'm just a douche.So it started with that.
48:32And then Bruce Springsteen was the, the halftime show.And I just, that's another guy I just look at.And I don't know what everybody's so going crazy about.You know, I'm just singing about factories in New Jersey.I don't get it.Him sliding on his knees into the camera and doing that stupid yoga poseon that strip pole when he started out and doing the poisonwith the fucking guitar around your back.
49:03I just, I don't get it.And I, at that point, well, only a couple of beers in.And after saying that Bob Dylan sucked, I then said Bruce Springsteen sucked.Which then moved on to people getting, you know, in a funny way upset.And next thing you know, I had three people semi yelling at me going,well, you know, who would you have?Who would you have for the halftime show?Huh?
49:32Who would you have?And I couldn't come up with anybody.So I just said, you know what I'd have?I'd have a fucking marching band the way they used to when only sports fanswatched the fucking show and they weren't, they just showed you a football gameand they weren't trying to sell me the next fucking Britney Spears album.How about that one?You know, back in the day, those racist white guys would show up to the games.
49:55Wearing a fucking short sleeve Michael Douglas falling down,white button up shirt with the black tie.And those Malcolm X Vince Lombardi glasses and a crew cut.All right, that's the football I remember.So then they started calling me Grand Torino, like I was Clint Eastwood.Has anybody seen that movie by the way?You know, I don't know, I don't know.I don't know if I want to watch Clint for fucking an hour and a half going,
50:22you know, get off my lawn.Hey, you person of another race, get out of here.Hey, that's a really weird movie.When you think of the concept, like, you know, what does the Grand Torino represent?Like back when things were better, when people had pride and there was more racism,or at least overt racism in this country, is that what the message was?Well, I don't know, Bill.Why don't you go see the fucking movie before you rip it apart?
50:49Well, speaking of that, we do a lot of Jesus Christ.I hope that this fucking thing is recording right nowbecause I really feel like this is going to be a decent podcast here.Because I got a nice segue.Speaking of movie reviews, you know, a lot of you guys have sent me movie reviewsabout stuff you liked and then you've trashed movies that you haven't liked.And I got to tell you something, somebody took the piss out of that.I've never, where the fuck is it?
51:23Oh, here we go, I got it right here.Somebody fucking did a review of Slumdog Millionaire.And do you ever, like, sort of enjoy a movie and then you meet somebodyand they so rip it to shreds so convincingly that you start thinking,hey, maybe it did suck, you know?I saw Slumdog Millionaire, took my girlfriend there with her mom.She was in town and they loved it.Yeah, you know, it's a chick flick or whatever.
51:51But I walked away, you know, from it thinking like,you know, wow, I should have been more of a romantic, you know,instead of the fucking asshole that I am.That's what I got out of the movie.But, and I thought, you know, I thought it was a decent movie.But here's this, but now that this dude fucking trashed it,I don't know if I could ever watch it again.Here is this guy's, okay, overrated, Slumdog Millionaire.
52:13All right, buckle up for this one.All right, here we go.This is his review.Imagine a Sally Struthers sponsor, a child ad,meets faces of death, meets forest gump.Let me read that a little more clearer.I apologize, I'm the worst.Imagine a Sally Struthers sponsor, a child ad,
52:32meets faces of death, meets forest gump.The first 90 minutes, first 90 minutes of,as a kid, kids covered in shit, sleeping on garbage,blend in some child prostitution and a guy running around,looking like the cover art on rage against the machine's first record.We see the kid's mom get beat to death not once,but at least three fucking times.The movie is like Transformers
52:57or any other bombastic chase scene blow up flick.But instead of Bruce Willis fucking up cars,kids get abused, abused to shock and awe the audience.It also has more cliches than a cop buddy flick.The Indian guy works at a call center inMumbai for cell phones and says shit like,well, we'll just live on love.Am I butchering this?
53:22To top it off, fate and luck make the Indian guy rich and happy.Is that what they want us to believe in these days?Just let things happen to us and we'll get by, really?That overhyped turd got 10 Oscar nominations,but Godfather got 11.Because slumdog millionaire has poor people in India,no one has the balls to stand up and sayit's just a glorified B movie.
53:47The Academy thinks they need to teach the American public a lesson,just like they did with Crash and Brokeback Mountain.This snuff flick is not a meaningful commenton the human condition either.It's just another marketing con job.It has as much soul as Michael Boltonand as much substance as a John Grisham novel.Jesus Christ.
54:09I think it's that last paragraph that got me.I got to agree with you on that.The Academy thinks they need to teach America a lesson.I don't think that they need that.I think the Academy doesn't really hang outwith anybody other than the Academy.So whenever they see a movie about tragedy,about a group of people that they don't really know anything about,
54:30they automatically say it's brilliant.Because I'm going to tell you something right now.I agree with you, Crash sucked.That movie fucking sucked.It wasn't groundbreaking.There was nothing going on.It was hacky.It was it was the whole thing was fucking stupid.
54:48And when I saw Oprah going on TV,going, oh my God, this is such an important movie.It's like, no, it isn't Oprah.It's not an important movie.Okay, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.And you don't read all those booksthat you recommend every week.Okay, there's no fucking way you have time
55:03to have your own fucking TV show,your own fucking magazine,and a weird relationship with the Cocker Spanieland read a 400 page fucking novel every week.All right, so you got no credibility with me.Okay.And that movie, Brokeback Mountain,that was two gay guys fucking in a tent.
55:20You know, it's basically a chick flick.It's like, I don't know,Grizzly Adams meets Harvey Milk.No, that's not good.Well, you need something gay in there.It's like the Ice Capades meets Fistful of Dollarsthat gets shoved up your ass.Thank you.
55:42No, I got it.You know something?I think, yeah, Flumdog Millionaire.Actually, I think it's a really good movie.I actually should have done the whole spoiler alert thingbecause I realized halfway through that review,he wasn't necessarily reviewing itas he was just sort of telling you what happens.
55:58I should have just read the last paragraph.So I apologize to any chicks out therewho wanted to go see that movie.It's definitely a good movie.You should go see it.How about that?Does that make you feel better?But anyways, I don't know.
56:11What do you guys think about that?You know, that's another thing.If you knew my podcast,I realized that I'm a fucking moronif you haven't figured that out for yourself yet.So I asked questions.Like I asked, I was kind of curious.Being an angry guy,
56:26I had a question about Asian culture where,you know, I just don't see the anger.You know what I mean?Like I went, they got this fucking skating rinkout in Burbank.Some of the worst ice I've ever skated on my life.And I was talking a couple of weeks agohow I was skating over there.
56:48And it was in the middle of the daybecause I hate going to the fucking gym.So I figured I'll just start skating around like a figin the middle of the day.There's no way for me to say I went ice skatingby myself in the middle of the dayand just not feel like the biggest pansy ever.But I did it.
57:05Okay, god damn it.And I came home and I jerked off to some heterosexual pornjust to make sure I was still okay.But anyways, so I'm sitting there skating around there,skating around just, you know,that thing letting the momentum take me where it wants to go.And there was this group of Asian kids thereand the fucking two of them kept falling down on the ice
57:28really fucking hard.And they never seemed to get upset.They always laughed.And I was just like, you know, really?I can see the first couple of times you feel sillythat some girls there you're with, you laugh,but at some point you've got to be like,you've got to start to realize
57:45that it's killing your opportunity to get to hook up.And then don't you start getting mad, but they never did.So I asked the question, where is the anger?So somebody wrote in, said, Bill, I'm Japanese American.But I have witnessed my fair share of East Asian enigmas.I think I have an explanation for the ice skating,ass busting, unyielding Asian persistence phenomenon.Yeah, because the dude just kept getting up.
58:12He'd laugh. He'd get up.He wouldn't even dust the snow off the back of his head.He just kept going.And he was happy as hell.I was fascinated with that level of, I don't know,denial or happiness,but I want to have that look on my face at some point in my life.And I'm 40.
58:29My life's half over.So anyway, she goes, as you know, Asian people,especially men, are robots.Actually, I didn't know that.They aren't programmed to show frustration or angerafter many failed attempts.This is in large part why they can defy the laws of physicsin the fields of gymnastics
58:51and can do martial arts in the air and the long rooftop.All right, she's breaking my balls here.Let me finish this.However, even though they generally are void of most emotions,especially in public, Asians are weak to the lure of booze.They get rosy cheek wasted,and nothing can sully their alcohol-induced giddiness,not even repeated ice-to-ast impact.
59:16So my suspicion is that you witness just that,the mechanical persistence of uncoordinated robots,a.k.a. drunk Asians on ice.You know, that would be a great, you know,that would be a great show.Drunk Asians on ice.That would, that, speaking of the ice copades,whoever thought that that would come back around again,
59:38fucking drunk Asians on icewould put the ice copades out of business.Kind of lays the UFC hurt and wrestling at this point.You know what I mean?That would be the fucking UFC of ice copades,drunk Asians on ice.All right, so anyways,you guys want to get into the contest here?
59:56I'm going to try to keep this podcast a little bit shorter.I'm already up to 17 minutes here.I'm going to try to keep it right around the half hour mark,because I'm afraid that, you know,I'm using up too much digital time here.So anyways, as most of you guys know,I said I was 40, so I got the physical,and then I had to get the old prostate fucking exam.
01:00:19And I was, I was upset by it, you know?Because unlike Heath Ledger, I wasn't in a tent.Somebody wasn't whispering sweet nothings to me,and it was, it was very, it was very fucking disturbing.And I wanted to talk about it on stage,but so many comedians, any comic,you know, who's had that procedure done to them,fucking has gone on stage and talked about it.
01:00:45So I'm just like, there's no way for me to talk about it.Every joke is hacky.So I asked my 14 listener fucking podcast audienceif they could come up with an original prostate exam fucking joke.I would do it on stage, and they would,they would win a fucking DVD.So here are the finalists,and you guys are going to vote on these,
01:01:10so I can keep the whole interactionof this tremendous podcast going.All right, here is, here's number one.Entry number one, trying to give an original,an original spin on the prostate exam.Please forgive my reading out loud,because I really noticed on this one,I'm just not getting any better at it.
01:01:31And you know, what happens to is the second I start fucking it up,I start panicking in my head,just like when I was in fourth grade,and then I try to rush to the end of it.And, you know, it just brings back bad memories.I remember one time I read out loud in the fourth grade,and I got so fucking nervous,and I kept screwing up everything
01:01:49that I just started reading faster and faster.And when it was, you know,because I basically, I figured out that everyone,everyone was reading two paragraphs out loud,and I fucked up halfway through the first sentence.So then I just through the next, the rest of it,you know, thinking I got out of it.And at the end of it, the teacher said,
01:02:12I didn't understand one word he said.Did anybody else understand him?You know?And no, and then nobody said anything.And then she made me fucking reread it again.And by then my mouth was completely dry, you know?And it was, you know, it still affects me.Not like a prostate exam, but it still affects me.
01:02:31So let's get on with the context here.All right, prostate, prostate joke number one.Now I gotta admit, I thought you guyswere just gonna write quick little jokes,but people were writing colonists chunks on this shit.So fucking, I'm gonna have to relivemy fourth grade nightmare here.Okay, joke number one.
01:02:50All right, keep score at homeso you can vote for which one you like.Here's number one.Bill, you addressing the audience.Okay, well thank you for the direction.I don't think I'd be turned around addressing the curtainor fucking you in the green room just talking to yourself.All right, so everyone, I went and got violated
01:03:10by my doctor today.You've heard this horror story before.I got a prostate exam.You probably also heard the joke aboutwho the hell would ever wanna grow upand do shit like that on a daily basis.Well, what I wanna know is what kind of a persongoes to school to learn how to teach other people,
01:03:28more people how to do that shit on a daily basis.What kind of fucking sadistic teacher,what kind of sadist teaches other peoplethe proper way to shove a finger up someone else's assthey'd have to be a sadist.I could imagine the professor in the science practice labwith the other dummies going,hey Bobby, you're being a little too soft.
01:03:51You really need to shove it up there goodand dig around for that prostate.No, no, no, no, step aside.I'll show you the proper technique.Wait till they either scream or whimper like a little kid.Then there's more, I love this, there's more direction for me.Walk to the other area of the stage.The person really went all out.
01:04:12Okay, so evidently I walked to the other side of the stageand evidently there's another patient over thereat which point I say, how we doing over here, George?You need to remember the lube or you're gonna get sued.Oh, I get it, the doctor wasn't using any lube.Okay, Jesus Christ, you're not wearing any gloves either, George.We gotta stop letting these legacy students in.Fucking morons.
01:04:34You could get a serious blister or shit on your finger or something.Jesus Christ, dude, you're really getting disgusting now.All right, here's the final bit.Now, class, most importantly, you need to develop your emotionless,your emotionless faith skills.I'm serious, you wanna name this class,you better have a stone cold face after you violate all the dummies.No laughing when they scream for mercy.
01:04:58I'm serious, they have speakers with audios, what?I'm serious, they have speakers with audio screams custom fitted by me, I'm serious.All right, I don't get what the fuck that last line means,but yeah, there you go, that's halfway decent.Do the whole doctor thing, I guess, I don't know.All right, this is number two of the colonists chunks and I apologize.All right, that's joke number one.Now, with my skills, I'm obviously only reading these once,
01:05:27so please keep score at home.All right, you get to do a little American Idol thing here.All right, all right, where the fuck are we?Now, Bill, I completely agree with you that there's no real groundto break on the prostatic exam jokes,but once you say free DVD, my brain short circuits,so below is my best attempt.All right, my wife and I have been together for 15 years.
01:05:52In that time, I've gone to the doctor once.She's probably gone 50 times.That John Wayne Act comes at a price.There are procedures for every inch of a woman's body.Eye lifts, breast lifts, tummy tucks,someone with eight years of educationat one of the finest schools on earth,spent his time figuring out how to inject
01:06:12blowfish toxins into women's faces so they'd look younger.I mean, it doesn't stop there.Look at this, using classic stand-up jargon.And it doesn't stop there, people.What's a mammography machine cost?You know what costs a lot?And what does it do?It crushes tits.
01:06:31A CAT scan machine cost a lot too,but it can be used for anything.A CAT scan might be a little noisy,a little scary if you have claustrophobia,but it doesn't injure you.A mammogram takes one of the most sensitive partsof the human anatomy, and it presses it until it hurts.That's it.
01:06:47One million dollars, please.But guys gotta be tough.No doctor visits unless something's falling off.So what fantastic piece of Jetson technologydo we get, we get some MIT created,do we get some MIT created imaging machine?No, a doctor's index finger.The same finger that he uses to get the intention
01:07:09of a bad waiter, that's the detective equipment.Plus a rubber glove.I grew up in the 70s and 80s.I don't always remember rubber gloves, do you?Back in the 60s, when you'd see a doctorsmoking on TV shows, did they have glovesor do they just have a bar of lava soapover on the side sink like a mechanic?
01:07:28Sorry I didn't shake your hand, Ted.No doc, really, that's okay.So there's his prostate exam one.By the way, I don't have anybody,you know you guys sent me your addresses,but I saved all your emails.So next week when I announce the winner,I do have your original email.
01:07:47So any of you fucking dirtbags out therewho can try to pretend to be these people,I have all the original emails.So if you win, please send me your address.Okay, here's a couple more.Bill, I see, this is number three.That last one was number two,and the previous one was number one.
01:08:05Okay, you guys all caught up.All right, number three.All right, Bill, I see you got your ass tickled the other day.I don't know if anyone's ever done this angle,but you ever thought about one of thoseass-tickling doctors being gay?Not saying that he enjoyed tickling your ass,but more like the same way if you're dating a gymnast,
01:08:24your friends think stuff like,ah, man, she must really know how to do some freaky shitbecause she's so flexible.A gay guy would be like,hey, I'm dating one of those ass-tickling doctors,and then his other gay friends would be like,wow, he must really know his way around an asshole.I don't know, that kind of sucked, but give me a DVD.
01:08:44You know what, dude?I don't think that did kind of suck.I'm gonna be a little Simon here and say that wasn't that bad.That was actually, you know what?That was pretty original.Yeah, why am I letting you guys fucking decide?I'm the goddamn comedian here.You know what, fuck you guys.
01:09:00Right now, that one's in the lead.So you guys put your pens down.I just really killed a couple people's dreams there.People sitting in their cubicles.Do you know what people actually tell me?Some people out there that actually listen to these podcaststo get through airplane flightsbecause I make them so fucking long,
01:09:17which means right now,there's possibly somebody sitting on an airplanelistening to the podcast, which I think is really cool.And I feel bad for you that you're on a plane.And how ugly is the person sitting next to you, by the way?That's one thing that always annoys me aboutwhen I get on a flight is,I don't know if this ever happens to you guys,
01:09:39but does somebody good looking ever sit next to you?You know, when do fucking hot chicks fly across the country?Because it's never on my flight.Oh, when to in-shape guys.You know, fucking horrific-looking people.I'm not saying I'm helping anything,but you know, if you're on a plane right now,just pretend like you're turning around
01:10:00to see if the bathroom's availableand just look at the people.Do it.Oh, wait, good.Turn around.Look at that.Look at them.Look at those.
01:10:09Look at that fat-headed jack.Big Fred Flintstone-looking fucking idiot sleeping with his mouth open.It's just horrific.You know what it is?It's the private jets.All good-looking people flying those little fucking private jets.Just let all the ugly people in coach, you know,which is what I'm flying, by the way.
01:10:28I'm not trying to put myself above people.Bill, can you get back to the contest?Fine, I will.All right, entry number four.Bill, you know the classic family dinner scenewhere everyone is asking each other things like,how was work today?Well, there's really no fucking way
01:10:42you can ask your dad or husbandto give you a legitimate response to that questionif they're a proctologist,because in reality, he's been fingering dudes all dayand you're trying to finish your potato salad.You know what?That was a funny line and I butchered it.God damn it.
01:11:00There's no way to legitimately ask a proctologist thatbecause he's been fingering dudes all dayand you're trying to finish your potato salad.That, my friend, is a funny fucking line.So all his answers have to revolve around parking spots,routes to work, or maybe a receptionist's birthday cake.Also, how scared are the other dudes' faces in the waiting room?It has to be similar to the looks soldiers gave each other
01:11:22before storming the beaches of Normandy.Dude, you know what?That's actually really true.I couldn't look at anybody when I was in thereand especially when I walked out.When I walked out, I looked at the floor.Remember that?Remember that in the Pope of Greenwich Village?
01:11:38And then you tell her she can't say good night to nobody.That way she got to look at the floorwhen she walks out, Charlie.That's what I was doing.I walked out looking at the fucking floor.You know what's funny?Is the guys in the waiting room technicallycould have given me shit
01:11:56because they still had the option of running out,which is exactly what the fuck they should have done.They should have ran out, just fucking hazed meall the way back to the fucking elevator.Had you liked that?Had you liked that, you little fucking douche?All right.I think I got one more here.
01:12:14You know what?You guys can decide on these fucking things.I'm not doing that.That was, that was number four.That was joke number four.Pick up your pen.That was number four.All right.
01:12:23And here's number five.And this is, this one, this guy's actually,you know what?Those are the four you can choose from.And this guy here is going to win an honorary DVDbecause he didn't email me.I was actually in Houston, Texas.And this fucking guy, I was doing radio on location
01:12:42in some bar, one of those fucking sports barsand people are drinking beers and eating chicken wingsat fucking 10 in the morning.And I'm, and I'm doing radio in there.And as I come walking out, I don't know how this guy knewI was coming out, but he timed it perfectly.First of all, he knew where the fuck I was.I came walking out and this car just pulls right up.
01:13:06Like the FBI and Goodfellas, you know, just pulls right up.He's like, Hey, Bill Barr.And I've got a little freaked out.I'm like, Hey, what's going on?He goes, Hey, I got an entry for the prostate exam joke.Dude, I'm in a parking lot in the middle of fucking Houston,outside some fucking dive bar, 10 in the morning.I'm not thinking about the podcast.
01:13:27I'm thinking about going to Denny'sand this fucking guy pulls right up and hands metwo fucking complete sheets of paper.Prostate exam material is the heading.I felt like I was cheating on a test, you know,this guy came back with all the answers.So I can only read half of thisbecause I'm already at a half hour.
01:13:46And I want to make sure this thing gets posted.So here's the other one.Here's the, this is the honorary one.Bill, I'm not sure how I'll be able to copewith the day I have a prostate exam as it draws nearer.Of course, I realized that I'm eight years away,but it freaks me out now,freaks me out now
01:14:06because I'm going to be a fucking messwhen the time comes.Dude, can I be a worst fucking out loud reader,whatever it is?You never have to worry about me being behind a podium.Let me start this over again and fucking relax here.It's all right, Bill.There's two pages of stuff.
01:14:22You only have to read a half of it, a half of it.You only have to read half of it.Look at me, I'm flustered, literally flusteredon my own podcast.All right, here we go.Bill, I'm not sure how I'll be able to cope with the dayI have a prostate exam as it draws nearer.Of course, I realize that's about eight years away,
01:14:44but if it freaks me out now,I'm going to be a fucking mess when the time comes.This all spawns from my homophobiaand lack of confidence in my own manhood.Gotta love honesty in any joke.I mean, what if I like the shit?I'll have to get divorced.Again, my kids will have to ask why,
01:15:04and I'll have to tell my son,well, I left your mom because I like the doctor'sgiant sausage fingers poking around in my asshole.And you know what?It's just not fair to your mother.Then I'll have to go into why it's much worseto have enjoyed it during a medical examand the ethic sins involved,
01:15:27as opposed to just being a fag.You know who I blame?Society and my goddamn older brother.And it's not why you think.He made me watch the hand that rocks the cradlewhen I was 15,before I fully understood how sick that lady's doctor wasfor slipping his rubber gloves off before her exam,
01:15:47and he fingered the shit out of her.Jesus Christ.What kind of movie is that?You know what I like about this guy?He's really not soft peddling this joke.He's really using brutal language here.Anyways, getting back to the movie.At first I was like,
01:16:01why the fuck did they arrest that guy?That was really fucking smooth.Keep in mind, I was 15 and thoughtany way at all to get my hands, face, or cockin, on, or near a real pussy was completely acceptable.Think about it.When you're a kid,societal rules and judgments don't apply.
01:16:17If you see a kid shit, you want it.You just beat the shit out of him and you take it.You go to detention and who gives a shit, right?Of course, I came to realizethat those type of things are fucked up,and you don't do that kind of shit.But to get back to the subject,when it came time to learn about prostate exam,
01:16:35my screwed up fucking head immediately thoughtof that movie and I thought to myself,fuck, what if I'm the guy who's unlucky enoughto get some sick perverted twisted doctorthat wants to slip off his rubber gloveand get his rocks off with his gay finger in my ass?Not only will I have to processbeing taken advantage of and violated,
01:16:56I'm going to have to refrain from beating the shit outof the guy to avoid prosecution,and then I'm going to have to investigate the guyand find out who else he violated,make a case against him,and then go to group therapywith a bunch of other poor schmucks that got fingered.All right, dude, I cannot read the rest of this, man.
01:17:12This is like fucking the original Count of Monte Cristo.It's like 700 pages long.All right, there are the entries.You tell me who had the best one out of those first four.This guy's going to get the honorary mentionbecause that was actually really originalbecause I guess, I don't know, he fucking just...All right, you want to hear my two cents?
01:17:36I like this guy's angle.The last guy I just read because, I don't know,he made it really personal and honest,and even though it was kind of homophobic,he called himself out for being homophobic.And to be honest with you,I remember being a kid too, thinking,like, I'd love to be a gynecologist.
01:17:58Just being a kid, you're a fucking pervert.But you know what it is?You forget that 80-year-old womenalso go to the gynecologist.So it's not a fun job.So even if you were a gay guy,just because you're a gay guydoesn't mean you like all gay guys.
01:18:13You know what I'm saying?What happens today?Lou Grant comes walking in thereand you got to check this.It's just really getting gross.You know something?You know what I learned?This is why I don't do sexual material on stage.
01:18:24I don't know if you guys have ever noticed that about me,but I stay away from it because I don't find...I don't know if it's the Catholic guilt.I just always feel crude, you know,which is a funny realizationto actually make on this podcastafter I've been talking about prostate examsfor the last fucking two.
01:18:39So anyways, I don't know.I think it's a toss up between that last guyand I also like the guys who said,what if that angle where the gay guy is going,oh yeah, I'm dating a proctologistand then the other gay guy friendsare looking at him like he's lucky.Like why?
01:18:58You must really know his way around an asshole.That is such a fucking valid point because he does.And I would think that gay guys would think that shit.The same way, if someone was dating a gymnast,I'd be like, Jesus Christ,you must be inventing sexual positions.You know?So whatever, whatever.
01:19:16You guys send me in the ones that you like.You gotta tell me why.And next week, I'll do the big giveaway.So everybody that I read,please send me your fucking address.And knowing me being a liberal fuck,I'll probably send you all DVDsbecause I don't want anybody to feel left out.
01:19:34Okay?So there you go.So how far are we in here?We're 37 minutes in.Once again, this is really long.Let me get to, you know what?I'm not gonna get to the questions this week,just for the simple fact that I'm afraid
01:19:46that they're not gonna post this one.So before I get out of here,I wanna thank everybody.I didn't get a chance to last week.I really wanna thank everybodywho came up to see me in Houston, Texas last weekor two weeks ago.I couldn't believe the amount of people
01:20:04that showed up actually sold out a couple of the shows.And they got a new club owner out therewho just really knows what the hell he's doing.And I'm definitely gonna be back.And I'd like to thank Nicole for showing up,part of my fan club, always coming out to my gigs.And that's it.And this week I'm up in Boston.
01:20:29I got the Wilbur Theater on February 6th.And then I got Chickpea, Massachusetts.And if you live out in Western Massachusetts,if you don't wanna drive all the way to Boston,I'm gonna be Chickpea, Massachusetts.One of my favorite gigs, I actually, back in the day,I used to open up for David Allen Greer there,Bobby Collins, all these big shots.
01:20:51And now I'm there, so I feel like a big shot.And plus it's a Chinese fucking restaurant.You know what I mean?How great is that?I hope they don't even have stage lights.I hope my face is just lit upby the flames of the poo poo platters.You know?
01:21:05And I can tell fucking ghost stories.So those are my, that's my gig this weekend.My next gigs I have coming up,I got Wise Guys in Ogden, Utah on February 20th.And then I'm taking a little bit of break.Gonna be performing mostly out here in the LA areauntil March 26th through the 28th.I will be at the House of Comedy
01:21:29in East St. Louis, Missouri.So please come out to see my show.Thanks everybody for listening to the podcast.I really hope you guys get to hear this onebecause I'm sick of fucking talking.And not having anybody hear it.All right, that's it.God bless you.
01:21:45Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers.And how about those Bruins?Huh?Beat the Canadians again.Can you believe it?Can you fucking believe it?All right, that's it.Everybody have a good week.
01:21:57I'll talk to you.And it's hard to sayJust how some things never changeAnd it's hard to findIn a trip to Utah to lastOh, I'm just burning, doing a new time danceI'm just burning, doing a new time danceOh, oh
01:22:49And it's hard to sayJust how some things never changeAnd it's hard to findIn a trip to Utah to lastOh, I'm just burning, doing a new time danceI'm just burning, doing a new time danceI'm just burning, doing a new time danceI know there are parts of me
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01:23:39Oh, I'm so happyDoing a new time danceOh, I'm just feelingI'm so happyDoing a new time dancecow version, cow versionI'm so happyI can't help myself
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