Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-21-19

Episode Date: February 22, 2019

Bill rambles about New York, faulty sneakers, and classic television.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking it on you. I'm just checking in to see how your week's going. You know, you know who I'm talking about. All you brave warriors, you social justice people, you know, misunderstood, you suffering white women in your fucking SUVs. I just, you know, what you do day in and day out is so difficult. And I'm just checking in to make sure that you're living your truth and whatever else is written on your fucking yoga pants. How are you everybody? I'm in New York City, New York City, skyscrapers and everything. Yeah, I've been here for a couple days, and I'm having a

good time doing stand up, you know, even though it's like doing fucking stand up at a woman's college now. I have never, this trip, I swear to fucking Christ, I have gotten more grown standing on stage doing my bullshit act than I got my entire time when I lived here from New York for like 10 years. Like, it's, it's fucking crazy. What has happened to this comedy? This was one of this used to be one of the great comedy cities. Oh my God. You stand on stage, you feel like somebody is like fucking stepping on a puppy behind you. You're like, what did I say? What happened? Oh, the whole time. I am really holding on to this, this hope that this is just a ridiculous phase that this country is going through. This ridiculous

phase where we have allowed like 8% of the population and their unbelievably extreme lunatic ideas to push us so far to the fucking left that me as a lefty, like now I feel like do I need to start watching fucking Fox News? Is this where the middle is now? Watching those cunts on that fucking channel? I mean, I don't know what to do here. I don't know. All I can tell you is when I did stand up over in Europe, like the level that they were laughing at us for what the fuck we're doing, because we're all in a bubble over here. I don't know what the deal is, but I think it's a sad state that I went to formerly communist Europe and I felt freer to speak over there than I fucking do here, but it's unbelievable. But actually not in defensive

New York City, I think I've been going further in the grown direction, just as a reaction to it, like, so I could give myself some space. You know, it's fucking claustrophobic. I don't, I really don't understand. I just don't understand adults going to comedy shows. And I don't know, you know what? But you know what was great was the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit. That was fucking phenomenal. And actually one of the comics, Mark Norman had a fucking great joke on shit like that about people getting offended, which I won't tell because it's his joke. So go out and go see him live. Thank you to everybody that came out this year. I don't have the names in front of me. So I know I'm going to forget somebody, Michelle Wolf, Jay O'Cresson, Rich Voss,

hosting it for the seventh year in a row, Mark Norman, Joe List, Gary Gullman, Chris Red, I know I'm forgetting like two or three people. Everybody went out and fucking killed. It was, you know, we got great feedback about it. It was just, it's just, it's one of my favorite things in the world to do. And like I said, all the money goes to his mom and his wife and, you know, and people have asked, well, why do you do it every single year? You know, it's like, well, I would just one theater gig. And Patrice was supporting those people. And I always hated when somebody dies, you do like one fucking, you do it once. So you're like, okay, there's a sack of money, try to stretch that out for the next fucking 20, 30, 50, 60 years that

you live in, you know, he was taken care of him. So he unfortunately passed away. So all the comics make sure that we were taken care of who Patrice was taken care of. So like I said, all they should have to deal with is the grief of him not being here. Other than that, you know, we should all be helping them out, which we're doing. So thank you from the bottom of my heart to everybody who shows up to the thing and everybody comes out and donates their free time. Oh, Maureen Tarran, who puts the whole thing together. It's just awesome. So we're already thinking about the lineup for next year. Gonna see if I can get Paul Verzi, you know, gotta get Verzi to come down. Some dumb reason I haven't asked him to do it yet. There's always somebody every year I'm like,

why the fuck haven't I asked that person yet? So that is the deal. Anyways, let's talk in the news. Oh my God, you know, everybody is talking about this. This Jesse Smith and Lewinsky, whatever his fucking name is, Juicy, Jesse Smollett. Jesse Smollett, everybody's talking about that. But I don't think that's the biggest news. And the biggest story in the news right now, I think it's Zion Williamson's Nike. Okay, the brand that Paul Verzi love, like it literally exploded on his foot and caused him to have injury. Now, I can't imagine how many older white guys like me with a dad bod that are now going to reconsider buying nikes. Because if it can't withstand the power of Zion Williamson, how is it going to withstand me?

I'm trying to think of some dad shit. Unfolding a stroller. Oh God, can you imagine what those evil cunts that run Nike? Can you I bet they I bet they have the serial number on that sneaker, and they are tracking down the fucking four year old that glued that thing together. Oh my God, what are they going to oh Jesus Christ, they're probably going to hang them upside down for the next month by his fucking toes. Make them wear adidas or some shit out I don't know what but I can tell you something right now they are rejoicing at adidas Reebok pro kids whoever else makes fucking sneakers I got to be honest with you man I that is like I have not seen a guy this Zion Williamson this if you missed Bo Jackson,

like this is what you're watching like somebody who just comes along. I mean he's literally what the fuck this guy did like I could not do that to a sneaker. If I got hit by a car I'd have to get hit by some farm equipment and lose my leg for my sneaker to look like that that was just the sheer strength of this man making a cut or whatever I have no idea but that remind the only thing I'd ever seen like that is you ever watched that shit on Bo Jackson how he ended up having that career ending injury is he was running with such speed and had like a 250 pound linebacker hanging on his leg as he continued to drag the guy down the field and just it was weird it was like his own strength worked against him

because anybody else would have just fell down like a fucking sack of potatoes and he continued to run with 250 fucking pounds hanging on him. Unbelievable so I hope that kid's all right I heard he is all right I'm sure nobody on the Tar Heels side of the fucking court was upset that he was out for most of the game I think he came back I don't even know what happened I'm missing everything like my Boston Bruins here we go Bruins here we go have won seven in a row and I've missed every game I've been following it I heard there was a high stick goal that we got away with against the LA Kings or whatever and so we ended up winning in overtime we just won in a shootout against Vancouver you know big big big points getting 14 points out of 14 points this time

of year going into March moving up the playoff thing I think we said they moved it up to the six seed or something like that sweet 16 I don't know what the fuck they said but all I know is we're playing well so that makes me happy and when I get on the other side of my special here I will be looking forward to maybe taking in a game or two all right so let's talk about Jussie Smollett Jesus fucking Christ like I've been watching this story just cringing you know in the beginning it was depressing like Jesus Christ like why would somebody do that to somebody but then when it started to unravel yeah I just like oh no please no please tell me you didn't do this to your first fucking guys on like one of the biggest shows

on fucking TV if this is true that's why I don't like talking about it like until it's like proven but it's looking fucking bad what you know you know what I mean you know it's fucked up is everybody doesn't everybody have like a hero fantasy you know when you stop a bank robbery you stop some terrorists you end up landing the plane or some shit and next thing you know you're on Oprah and she's talking to you just going like how are you so amazing and you're like ah you know shucks I was just doing my job as a passenger I did what anybody else you say have all your raw shucks lined and then all of a sudden you're like you wake up from the interview and you realize you're just driving down the street or you were talking to yourself and somebody saw

you you know at least performers we're all a little bit nuts like that but to fucking follow through with it didn't this guy ever watch the first 48 some of the ways they catch people now I it's weird because I should be rooting for them but it's just you just I watched some of these forensic shows it's like oh what the fuck you can figure it out from that I remember one time this guy suffocated this woman using a fucking garbage bag and they somehow found her the fucking face in the bag you know I gotta hand it to murderous though I don't know if I just caught up in the emotion of it but like their fucking belief in themselves that they're gonna get away with this shit they should really just watch a couple episodes so like the first 48 or one of these

forensics fucking shows I don't know how anybody gets away with anything but um I gotta be honest to you now that it's unraveling the bleach the MAGA hat magnet what does it make America great again MAGA MAGA hat the fucking uh the noose around his neck it all kind of reads like you know when you do a first table read of a script you know you're like all right it's getting there it's getting he should have workshopped it a little more I would have gone would not have had the hat wouldn't have had the new it's it or the noose or whatever you know what it's like it's like you know when one of the starlet goes out and they they accessorize too much and then they go you know what you when it right before you go out take two things off like that's what he should have

should have got rid of the noose and the fucking hat and uh I don't get it the only thing that doesn't make sense if this is fake like what kind of a fucking asshole for 3,500 bucks is going to go to jail and then have a hate crime on your fucking record for the rest of your life I guess they were assuming that they were going to get away with it um I don't know man it's just the I I is it weird I feel bad for the guy it just reminds me when I was a kid and I started lying to my parents and it just fucking got out of control and then it's some oh you know what it reminds me of okay this is a true story I'm going to show you my my Jesse's we all got a little Jesse's small small let in us right okay so one time when I was in my first year of first grade

right I loved it so much I did it twice um when it came to school I was like that fucking hurdler who just hit the first fucking hurdle and fell on his goddamn face and the fucking race was just over you know that was that was my school career so anyways um that was one of the first jokes I ever wrote talking about the second year of first grade how fucking boring it was because you learn how to read you literally learn how to read the first grade at least you did back then so I remember like the first three months being bored out of my mind as these kids were sounding out the words they were sitting next to me going like duh duh duh and my joke in my act was duck the word is duck it's a matter of the picture didn't

give it away it was my first really decent laugh I got my laugh in my act it was it was clean people thought I was on my way to doing the tonight show with Johnny Cassin that's how long ago this was um so anyways I was in my first year of first grade and there was these two twins all right and I had a crush on one of them her name was Gwen and I can't remember the other one's name right and uh so anyway I think I might have told the story before in the podcast right but so we're fucking um I'm in she's not in my class I'm in the other class with her sister and her sister had this giant pink pen like I don't know why it was like like if it would be like the size of a number two pencil for like fucking Andre the giant I don't know why she had the giant thing

and for whatever reason you know I just looked at I thought I don't know I just looked different I thought it was cool so she dropped it on the floor and we had like all four of our desks were like made into a circle she had like groups of four going around the teacher and it fell on the fucking floor and um I fucking picked it up and like an idiot this how dumb it was I picked it up and rather than just stealing it I just take it and I start writing with it like in the same fucking circle as her so she looks over me she goes hey that's my pen and I go no it isn't hey go it's mine so this is where my jesse story starts if this guy's guilty right and I stick with this fucking story she goes up to the teacher and she goes hey you took my pen and I'm going no

it's it's not her pen it's my pen it's a giant pink fucking pen and the teacher just looks at me and she goes you know I think it's so and so's pen I go no it isn't it's mine and then she described this crack that was in it like to a tee or whatever and of course I got busted and the teacher's just looking at me like you know look at this little fucking klepto Ron Howard looking motherfucker right so whatever you know you're a little kid you blow it off 10 minutes late you're probably talking to the person you just did that to but anyways so the next day I go to school and in between like during the class I went to go to the bathroom it just so happened that girl Gwynne that I had the crush on she just looks at me she goes I heard what she did to my sister she had this

fucking look at her face and she fucking hated me and I just turned around and walked away heartbroken to the uh to the bathroom knowing that the first girl I had a crush on now knows that I'm a complete piece of shit um and that was probably the first stepping stone on me becoming a fucking lonely comedian I don't know how that ties into this just just sees small but this oh my god can you imagine that that's a fucking felony I didn't know that fake in a police report get out of here you knucklehead hey you almost had us you almost had his freckles they don't do that I guess it makes sense that the cops would be pissed if you fake something all the fucking work they gotta do you know what I mean putting this whole goddamn file together and like this shit

doesn't make sense it's like having to write somebody a term paper for you and it's like oh yeah yeah just fucking with you I'm not gonna pay for that and uh I never really had to do a term paper what the fuck was I doing over here for the last goddamn three weeks um anyways I got nothing to talk about I am so fucking lonely right now it's fucking ridiculous um but my my my wife and kid are gonna be flying out meeting me soon I can't wait thank god for FaceTime all I do is sing baby shark get my kid going you know and then it's funny too is as I say this thing like she always goes push the button push the button because she wants to hang up so I just go don't do it don't push that button don't push that button she gets this big grin on her face she loves nothing

more and right as I see her but ready to laugh her face just disappears and then I become sad anyways Carl Lagerfeld died according to the New York Post Jesus Christ I know how sad and pathetic is this podcast right now they're saying it's his cat might get millions I gotta be honest man you think I trash fat people you should see fucking Carl Lagerfeld Lagerfeld whatever his fucking name is um he's just what he was I guess he was a fashion giant and he was very impressed with himself um all right somebody's about to get a golden litter box among those who could inherit a big hunk of the designer Carl Lagerfeld's 125 million dollar fortune is the love of his life his celebrity cat is it Chopin is that how you say it Chopin is that what an American would say

Chopin Chopin oh um Lagerfeld 85 who died Tuesday in Paris made it clear in the past that his blue eyed Berman kitty meant so much to him uh that she would find a place in his will yeah well he probably knew like this dude cats live like 18 years you get one when you're 71 or whatever no wait he was 85 probably got this thing when he was like 80 he's probably like well this thing's just gonna get fucking put down that's not gonna happen this guy's a good shit you know I know he trash fat people and short men and all of that type of stuff I thought he was fucking hilarious you know there's a few people out there that I think should have been stand-up comedians instead of what they did even though they were wildly successful like both those brothers that

are in oasis I have the shit I read that they say like this shit's funnier than anything I've ever fucking said these guys really should put down their fucking ukuleles and they should go on a fucking stand-up tour um not saying I don't love their music I'm just saying and this Carl Lagerfeld some of the shit that this guy said it's like just look up at this guy's quotes he was he was like so fucking mean it's funny you know unless you live here and then you're triggered and then everything needs to stop and we have to fucking do you know I know I have a friend of mine somebody said to us said uh you know hey you know I'm really hungry I'm gonna go get something to eat and she wrote back she

goes me too and then she wrote not me too with like the hashtag ha ha ha and then the friend got all offended like that isn't funny you shouldn't joke about that if we joke up it's like we're doing it between each other you fucking idiot nothing's happening here and she literally had to talk this person off of a fucking emotional like ledge that's where we're at okay that's where we're at in this country right now and maybe that's why in this current comedy climate somebody like this fucking poor bastard decided to fucking fake this goddamn thing I guess you know what they give you a shit because they could actually be out there solving real crimes there you go Bill that only took your fucking 20 minutes to figure out oh I could have been working on this domestic

violence case but I was this and it also probably had like this high level of like priority Jesus Christ is this gonna make a great made for TV movie you know what I think considering Magnum PI is not a white guy anymore I'm throwing my hat in the ring to play just see small it in this you know just to balance shit out all right if why didn't they give why didn't they give Magnum a new fucking Ferrari why is he still driving around on that fucking thing you know that's one of there was one of the worst Ferraris ever made why can't you give the guy a nice ride you know does that does that make sense to anybody I was so fun I mean I liked it it was a nice cool that should be like his fucking weekend

driver you know what I mean like that was his high school car so he kept it or maybe like I don't know maybe Tom Selleck fucking saved him from drowning when he was a kid right after he banged that chicken the bikini you know from the opening credits then he was like oh look at this I was banging you here in the sand and there's there's a little fucking kid out there drowning whenever you saved him he takes him in now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum we're stuck here on this island but we're having fun right right in the Ferrari you can sit on the fucking console because they got some hot ass sitting in the passenger seat um then he could have taken over the business right you just have Tom Selleck's uh you know his character dies this is how I

would have done it his character is dying you know you make it like somehow like a hot button issue like he dies of like I don't know what prostate can't nobody gives a shit about prostate cancer he dies of male breast cancer okay in October and the NFL recognizes it by having pink mustaches put on top of the helmets like looking like lift drivers okay and his dying words tells this kid to take over the business and he's like and I want you to take care of my car make sure she's okay right so on very special assignments no whenever he takes a woman out on the show you know I'm sorry a warrior a brave courageous so brave to get in those teatops that teatop car and then he just takes them up but the rest of the show he has a brand new fucking Ferrari

you know they chase his people down the street and that's how I would have done it personally okay I don't want I don't want to you know I'm not trash in the show I'm just saying you know it's a network show I know you got the budget you could have hooked the guy up with a new Ferrari right I don't know I'm probably taking all this shit too fucking seriously yeah I watched that show I didn't know I didn't know what was up what was down Higgins is a woman now I don't get it that's like the new thing you just do something that's already done but then you just switch everything up you know this used to be a black guy now it's a parrot this was a white guy now he's Puerto Rican this was a guy now it's a woman and it's the same fucking show

you know what they're doing right now they're doing what Hannah Barbera did with all of their fucking cartoons with Hannah Barbera God bless him because they did Johnny Quest my favorite fucking cartoon of all time those motherfuckers plagiarized themselves like 58 fucking times they had the Scooby-Doo then they had the Scooby-Doo ripoff they had the Flintstones which was a ripoff of the honeymooners and it was just placed in the Stone Age and then they did the sort of did the same fucking show in the future with the Jetsons I forget I had this all mapped out how they fucking ripped themselves off and then in the end they combined all of their characters and had these cartoon Olympics called the Laugh Olympics

but somewhere but it was all worth it it was all worth it because it jinxed the cat and uh and Johnny Quest all right and with that let me read uh let me read this here quip one of the most important things we do for our health every day is brushing our teeth yet most of us don't do it properly how do you not do it properly I mean it's fucking it's right there slide your tongue across your teeth does it feel gross well which one feels gross brush that one extra quip is a better electric toothbrush created by dentists and designers finally they consulted the dentist they got the pros in there quip was designed to make brushing your teeth more simple affordable and even enjoyable I love this sensitive sonic vibrations sorry I have to do the sound effects

here this is a very low budget read gentle enough on your sensitive gums why people brush too hard and some electric toothbrushes are too abrasive they could explain that better if you brush too hard you're actually going to slowly wear away your gum line which is going to lead to a uh a periodontal issue because what happens is is that enamel is on the party of tooth that that lives above the gum all right below your gum it doesn't have any enamel because it's supposed to be covered by the gum it's protected there so then when you start brushing too hard um you wear that away and eventually that part gets exposed and it's way more susceptible to tooth decay then what happens is eventually you're looking at a crown or a root canal or god forbid you lose the tooth

now when you lose a tooth okay you have to go to the fucking dentist and you have to get something put in there because what happens is is the teeth next to it move to the side to try to close up the space and the tooth directly below it will erupt upwards to fill in that fucking space to help fill it in and then when it erupts upwards you got that part of your tooth that doesn't have an amel on it and that's exposed and then you lose that fucking tooth and then everybody starts fucking moving around it's a fucking shit show you know what it's like you ever seen those special forces when they they got to hold the fucking log up to become like an army ranger and if one guy fucking quits then they all the other fucking guys then they have to hold his weight up they

don't get to quit right it's kind of the same thing but anyways it's a built-in two-minute timer that pulses every 30 seconds to remind you when to switch sides helping guide a full and even clean so you can be an absolute fucking moron and do it properly up to 90 percent of us don't brush for a full two minutes well i guess i don't i guess i'm a moron or don't clean evenly a multi-use cover mounts to your mirror and unmounts to slide over your brithilth uh for on-the-go brushing say why you love quip i love quip because they're paying me to say it that's why i love quip no i love anything anybody to be honest with anybody that's helping you take care of your teeth it's the number one fucking thing it's the number one goddamn thing you take care of your teeth

like i like what you're gonna do for yourself in life all right you chew your food properly you don't have your fucking teeth you're not gonna do that it leads to stomach problems leaves the gut problems then you got problems in your ass and next thing you know people are coming by on your deathbed all right or you could just buy this toothbrush that's why i love quip and why they're backed by over 20 000 dental professionals quip starts just $25 if you get up if you get if you go to getquip.com burr right now slash burr right now i could read that better get quip qip.com burr right now you get your first refill pack for free with quip with a quip electric toothbrush that's your first refill pack for free and at getquip.com slash burr g-e-t-q-u-i-p.com

slash all capital b-u-r-r um b-u-r-r sorry hiccup there anyways um is that it is that all that i had to talk about um tonight i will be uh i'll be at the west side comedy club doing a little bit of time nothing crazy but i'm just gonna be doing my set until i fly over to jolly old england make sure it's ready to go and uh i'm starting to get butterflies man i'm like oh almost a week out monday i'll be a week out and uh getting ready to tape this thing and i am very anxious to do it in a good way i'm nervous but in a good way and um i don't know i can't can't fucking wait i cannot fucking wait and i'm gonna run the set tonight what else did i want to talk about ah fuck i just had it see that you have it and it just goes away you know why because i don't

brush properly if i did two minutes total when i brushed my brain wouldn't be fucking mush i guess i have no fucking idea um anyways you know it's fucking hilarious it's not really hilarious i was walking up the street and i was in a good mood and shit and there was this homeless person and she goes can you spare some you know change or whatever and i was like yeah i can't so i said i might give a change i don't have any change i'll give her a dollar so as i was reaching in to uh give her a dollar i would you know i felt weird because i was just standing there so i was just like hey you know how's it going she i said how's it going to a fucking homeless person and she just answered me honestly she's like well i'm living in a shelter my dad died and i was like all right all right dumb

question kind of a fucking idiot am i you know so how you so how you enjoying living on the street is it everything you thought it was gonna be you know i don't really think when i before i speak a lot of the times and then i say it and as it's coming up i'm like why did i say that you know but the good thing that i have is i know i'm a moron i like to think this is one of my better qualities is i know i'm a moron so as the person is fucking saying why did you say that i'm already agreeing with them like i know you're right you're right i was stupid so anyways um i hope this just see small it guy somehow makes a comeback if this is all true i hope he makes a comeback from this fucking shit jesus christ you hate this you hate to

see it you hate to see it i've seen other people do shit like this it's just i just you fucking it's so fucking embarrassing it's fucking crazy to take it to that like i see if you just did this amongst your friends you know just tired one of your friends to punch you in the lip and then you walk into a party got jumped but it fought him off oh my god he's so heroic and next thing you know you're getting blown you know i can see the method of that madness but to take it to this fucking level you get the he's fucking a gay coming with a little fucking little brush they start dusting shit it's all gonna fall apart there's security cameras you can't get away with shit and now all these fucking people are they're sending their dna into these goddamn things it's

it's it's it's a fucking rap it's a fucking rap put my man man voice back on here it is a fucking rap you're not going to be able to do shit and i'm not i'm not defended people doing really crazy shit but i'm you're not gonna be able to do shit you know what i mean steal a christmas tree soft morick shit right go around knocking people's fucking mailboxes off with a baseball bat stupid shit yeah none of that it's all gonna be there'll be a fucking drone following you around something in the future i swear to god these robots are gonna show up with those little dusty fucking things no matter what no matter what you do you're at that parking meter for 30 seconds more here is your ticket but i got out of there before a cop came shut up we will eliminate you

speaking of elimination the first mammal i don't even know what it was this little field mouse became extinct because of global warming human caused global fucking warming uh was the news gonna talk about that ain't gonna talk about that did i talk about it nah talking about it in the end i don't know i don't know what the fucking solution is but i do know this when the water rises up your flat screen tv you better get some flotation devices for it you know you know it's gonna survive all the people that live in the middle middle of the country as the water rises up they're gonna fucking survive you know and that's going to be hilarious watching all the liberals who think they're so

fucking smart running from the fucking oceans rising you know and then trying to hang out with all these get it done fucking people all right that's a reality show that i that's not gonna have to be scripted um anyways why do i end up such dark shit i always do this one i'm fucking alone i just start thinking about the end of the world i guess i just saying i missed my family all right i'm gonna stop babbling um god bless all of you enjoy your weekend your fucking cunts and i will uh i will check in on you or i guess i don't know i'll do another fucking monday morning podcast as i do i gotta figure out when to do it i don't know where i'll be i think i'll be in england by then who knows maybe i'll put on a phony accent for you huh if i feel you deserve it kidding of course

all right that's it please enjoy the music and then we have another half hour of a thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast greatest hit episode all right that's it you hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it is the monday morning podcast for monday february 21st 2011 I can't say that 2011 2011 2011 the fucking tongue gets stuck to the roof of my mouth 2011 say yes what is up it's sunday afternoon I am doing this podcast because I am I am I am committed to finally getting these things up monday morning all around the world

unless you live in Japan but if you live in Japan you can't understand what the fuck I'm saying unless you're a US troop and you're stationed over there at which point I don't know what the fuck to tell you all right what am I supposed to do nobody in Australia complains in this 17 hours ahead of me so stand down son I have a big day ahead of me the NBA all-star game is is is fucking at the Staples Center Staples Center home of the Los Angeles Lakers and their 11 championship banners and then that one banner with all those ones from the BBA so anyways you got to be saying to yourself hey Bill you're a big sports

fan are you gonna go to the game yes I am I am gonna go to the game can you fucking believe it kind of came out of nowhere all of a sudden I had a hookup somebody came through with the ticket and I said apps a fucking Lutley somebody I know came through with the fucking ticket for the entire all-star weekend yesterday for the three-pointer contest and the dunking contest he said it starts at 5 30 I'm like fuck I'm flying back from New Jersey I land right about six and the guy's like I just come on over you'll get to catch the last half bit I said great I go to get on my flight here you very full flight people if

you could not stand in the aisle could you just kind of find your seat so we can expedite the fucking blah blah blah the tarmac and I'm sitting there going let's go people fuck come on sit down sit down let's go I finally got a hookup let's do something to get this bitch off the ground and one of it was the first thing that they say I'm praying praying for a nice 200 mile an hour tailwind or whatever the fuck I need to shave off a half hour this son of a bitch and what do they say they say we have a very full flight and the captain got on and he starts talking about how there's some fucking biblical level headwind that's

gonna slow down the plane but we can try to make up the time in a different altitude didn't happen they always they always say that this fucking flight is gonna be about six hours and 15 minutes all right it doesn't take that takes about five and a half hours with the usual goddamn headwind okay but they say six hours and 15 minutes just in case there's a delay you know take off or landing or whatever they can still say that they're on time and if there's no delay then they can be like we got you in here about 20 minutes early like we can't do the fucking math like we don't know what they're doing so it turns out

there's this fucking insane headwind and it ends up taking seven fucking hours to get to LAX and by the time I landed I didn't even want to go I didn't give a shit my fucking knees were fucking behind my shoulders at that point just cramped in there you know that idea I said fuck I'll gives a shit you know the Duncan contest I can watch all of that on YouTube but I'm still going to the fucking game and I'm psyched I've never been to an all-star game before never ever ever and I'm psyched to stand there and look at all the celebrities they're gonna be there and all their bitches huh I don't want to see the wives I want to

see their bitches I want to see their gold digging fucking whores that's what I want to see fuck the NBA players I don't give a shit about them bunch of goddamn weirdos you're all six foot ten you should be able to dunk all right and you look weird and street clothes you ever see an NBA player in a suit you know he looks like that he looks like they have like giantism or something they don't look right they don't look right unless they're in a tank top and shorts standing next to another guy who's also six foot fucking tense I don't give a shit about those guys they don't give a fuck about me right I'm there to see the

gold digging whores I want to see that whole fucking game going down right okay it's the all-star game so you know all these celebrities they got to bring their bottom bitch to that one they got to bring their wife they got to bring their serious girlfriend that's what the fuck they have to bring all right she's in the pride but on the outside little fucking hyenas trying to steal a little piece of meat right that's gonna be all the whores that's the game I'm that's that's the fucking game I'm gonna be watching I want to see what ridiculous fucking outfit the gold digging whore is gonna is is gonna fucking be wearing

the length that she's gonna have to go to to get this these fucking multi millionaires to notice them right in front of their fucking wife I can't wait I cannot wait you know what I got an idea how about I take some pictures I'll take some I can't do that that goes against everything that I'm about I can't fucking do I can't rat out people I can't wait that's what that's what I want to see I want to see that and absolutely no defense you know 172 168 game it's gonna be fucking awesome I can't wait and and that's it so believe it or not I'm actually in a great mood I had an awesome weekend I have no funny

stories to tell everything everything worked out I did the Tarry Town music call in Tarry Town New York beautiful beautiful lovely safe creepy scary whitest fucking town ever you guys haven't been to Westchester New York there is a level of wealth a level of whiteness and a level of overall peace yet unbelievable fucking creepiness to that part of the country I'm trying I tried to explain I was talking about it on stage and people were laughing I couldn't tell if they were just laughing because I was in that town making fun of it but like Tarry Town is like ridiculous it's like these these I mean you could shoot

a period piece there some Charles Dickens novel if you ever wanted to turn it into a movie you could very easily just remove all the cars and just dress everybody up like it was the 17 or 1800s and just have them going up the street in a goddamn horse there wouldn't be a fucking problem put it this way the next town over is sleepy hollow all right headless horseman shit okay and right next to that is the Hudson River all right and it which is eerily quiet at night and a little bit south you got the Tappan Z bridge the whole thing it looks like you're on you feel like you're on a movie set that's what I was

joking about that everything just felt so wonderful peaceful and safe and you felt every time you turned a corner you felt that there was just gonna be like a hundred zombies just standing there and then they'd look at you you know when they get that that excitement that they see fresh meat and I don't know what happened to zombies but all of a sudden they can run now which is pretty fucking awesome unless you're getting chased by one that was the vibe of of of Tarry Town but I went in and I did did my show and you got to understand like I did that theater like five six years ago as part of a tour for the Montreal Comedy

Festival and I was on that tour with like like six or seven other comedians so all I got to do was like 15 minutes and I remember I was excited then to be doing it and you know you start thinking like man am I ever gonna be able to play this place on my own it was fucking awesome I showed up and the place was packed and then the next night was the Count Basie theater in Red Bank New Jersey and that place was gigantic and the second you know we booked it I was paranoid that they're gonna have to cancel it or I don't you know you'd only be like half fucking full and that one ended up fucking selling out and so I just want

to thank everybody in creepy-ass Tarry Town sleepy Hollow West Chester County who showed up to my gig and everybody out in New Jersey now people fucking sleep on New Jersey by the way you know because all they do is they they come out of Manhattan and they jump on the Jersey turnpike and they see all those chemical fucking plants and they just think it's it's a shithole but I'm telling you there's some absolutely gorgeous parts of it and Red Bank New Jersey was one of them like I saw you have you ever seen what a 20 million dollar home looks like you know live I've never seen it it's it's like these

fucking people live in houses as big as schools and you know as much as they were beautiful and as much as I was in awe of them I just remember thinking how could you possibly do have done anything remotely legal to get that fucking house you know I'm telling you I swear to God I bet 90% of them were bankers and people in finance I'm telling you then the other will be like the oh that guy created the mutant ninja turtles or something huge but other than that if you're just a regular fucking person the only way to make that kind of fucking money is you got to be in banking fucking genius whoever came up with the

idea of a bank hey everybody you guys work all week and then you give your money to me all right then I'll pull it all together and I'll loan it back to you at interest and then you give me more money on that while you continue to give me all your other money every fucking week don't worry I'll keep it safe you piece of shit mother fuck you fucking kidding me are you okay how do you justify how do you earn enough fucking money I can see if Derek Jeter had one of those houses I get it I get it he fucking shows up to a stadium and 60 thousand people show up what do you think would what happened if they said

hey a bankers giving a lecture at Yankee Stadium how many fucking people you think would show up fucking asshole he probably couldn't even fill up the stress factory you know that's I swear to God that's that's that's my feeling when I have the few times that I've gotten into those types of areas I drive by them and I am in absolute fucking awe of the level of wealth and then that's immediately what I think like there's no fucking way there's no legal fucking way to do this you know take it from me take it from me I'm doing all right now you know selling out theaters let me you should see the laws that they have to

make sure that I don't get rich they are just they're taking a fucking machete to my knees right now when we do an impression of my of me talking to my accountant every quarter what do you gotta be you know something this fucking country that's that's point three seconds but I get it I get it we're fighting two fucking wars somebody's got to pay for it and give me those rich cunts Jesus fucking Christ anyways the fuck was they talking about yeah you know what it's like it's like that that president over there in Egypt you know he was like a bank he had all their fucking money and it was just sitting there he

took it of course he took it you know something I'm not even mad at bankers I'm not even fucking mad at him because I think well I don't know I can't I can't say money that isn't the thing that gets me going women I would say that you got to pick your weakness some people your weakness is money some people your weaknesses power mine is the fucking broads I'll tell you right now if making people laugh ever gets me to the level of being a dictator there is no fucking way I'm gonna be able to remain faithful I will have who was you understand me people I will have fucking who was listening to me I'm going to the fucking

NBA all-star game tonight all right and I'm it's I'm more excited to see the level of gold digging fucking whore that's gonna show up the temperatures I can't wait I cannot fucking wait to see how high up you have to jack your fucking ass up to get noticed at the all-star game because you know every whore out there is she's going with the fucking four five inch goddamn stilettos ah walking down those those those fucking you know they're all gonna be sitting you know where the gold digging whores sit the wives sit court side they sit you know they sit in a group you've ever noticed that they all keep the wives all

you know together it's a very smart move by the men you know because you get a bunch of women together eventually they're just gonna be running their wives they're not gonna be paying attention to shit they're gonna be doing that shit while the fucking games going on they don't give a shit right I'd say the gold digging whores I'm gonna say that they're gonna start at about row about 20 maybe 21 that's a more believable number right 20 was too even you know row 23 that's where they're gonna start all right and that's gonna be like the gold digging whores gold digging whore you know what I mean

like the quarterbacks quarterback the comics comic the whores whore is gonna be at the NBA all-star game already banging somebody already hooked up she's gonna be about row 20 right she's already have guilted somebody down there somebody connected that you know how come your wife is sitting seven rows in front of me and hey I gotta do what I gotta fucking do and don't worry I'll make it up to you so she already has something shiny coming her fucking way all right and then you go back you go you go well staple center is weird where it's kind of the haves to have nots you know so if you get to the upper deck

those are like the open micro horse all right that's someone who just fucking blew somebody in a ticket booth to get up to the 300 fucking level all right so what they're gonna do is they're basically gonna be dressing hot for you know I don't know they're gonna be up there with the fucking potato skin eating sports bar guy right the season ticket holder assumption I don't want to fuck I'm gonna sell things kind of unraveling all I know is this gonna be a bunch of fucking horse down there and I can't I can't wait to look at him no I've come to this level in life where I really I don't judge people I know I'm

saying horse and gold digging you know I know I'm saying that shit but I'm not in a judgmental way the same thing I don't judge that that the the fucking piece of shit I guess that's judgmental but you know whatever I'm a piece of shit the piece of shit guy who was running shit over there in Egypt you know I get why he stole all that fucking money because it was right there you know it was right fucking there I mean until you are in that position where you're at that level of temptation till you faced it and passed that test you can't judge that guy can you imagine that just a mountain of cash you're sitting right

to the right of your lazy boy like a big bowl of fucking M&M's and you guys out there got your little fucking M&M's right next to your TV chair how many of those need a night you know you ever tell yourself this is the last handful you tell you you go right back for more you ever get it so fucking you know you're doing that thing where you're making the fist and then you get fucking dropping them out of the bottom of your fist you know like some fucking I don't know what like some goddamn guppy feeding at the top of a fish tank and we're all gluttonous assholes and I'm right up there with them I mean what

the fucking point was I'm just telling you I'm excited I'm going to this fucking game that's 17 minutes 17 minutes how many fucks was that sir all right let's get on with the podcast here I want to thank everybody seriously who came out to the Tarrytown keep forgetting the music hall and the Count Basie Theater and I'm gonna keep writing jokes because that was unbelievably motivating I'm gonna try to do that every every year absolutely phenomenal fucking experience I have nothing bad to say about any of it and last week people I told you if you want to become part of this podcast if you would like to participate if you'd

like to comment on any fucked up thing that I said if you'd like to introduce a new topic or add to the topics that exist or just vent where I have a new email streamlining getting all the podcast emails to one email so I don't miss any of the good ones it is bill at the mm podcast comm once again bill at the mm podcast comm and if you could do us a favor if you could just in the title in the in the subject line could you just stick you know under what category it's gonna fit if you have overrated underrated if you want some advice is it racist your country sucks too anything anything you want to give me YouTube

videos of the week anything just just write obviously overrated YouTube is it racist right in the subject line I really help us to kind of streamline them because I actually have somebody now who's gathering all of them and just sends them to me one email and then you know I just read through all of them I picked the best ones the ones that I respond to so once again you email it bill at the mm podcast comm and that is it and the official podcast of the Monday morning podcast is www.themmpodcast.com we have all the YouTube videos anything that I talk about pictures of theaters anything I'm talking

about gold digging who is we'll have pictures and that type of shit so you can follow along at work right before you slump over and die in your cubicle alright I got a little backlash this past week from from another thing one from is it racist another number from the to drink minimum let's start with to drink minimum first last week someone was talking about the to drink minimum why they have that a comedy clubs and I was trying to explain that that's basically how the comedy club makes money so this guy says bill as I listen to the podcast today I must disagree with your diatribe on the to drink

minimum you don't you love that rather than my opinion it becomes a diatribe I know what diatribe means but that just sounds like you made it seem like I was going on and on and on I agree that comedy club I agree that comedy clubs need to make money well thank you sir thank you for extending me that fucking olive branch I agree that sometimes they promise certain payouts okay I wasn't asking you to agree with that that's how it is but the to drink minimum is the equivalent of every other company's hidden charges if the club needs to make money add $20 to the price of a fucking ticket people that don't drink have a

real issue being forced to buy drinks because some clown can't manage his business any tighter whatever happened to truth and advertising tell me up front what the entertainment bill is going to cost me regards all right whatever happened to truth and advertising sir if you can tell me an error when there was ever any truth in advertising I will give you a box of free DVDs there's never been any truth in advertising and that includes you when you went out to bars you were trying to get your dick sucked the way you made your job sound a lot more important than it was all right so get off your fucking high horse right

there that's the first high horse you have to get off all right and a nice it's like you're fucking driving you ever see the Budweiser Clydesdale fucking thing you know that I don't know what it does the stagecoats for the guy who owns Budweiser I never really understood what the fuck that thing was supposed to be but you have a team of Clydesdale high horses here all right the fact that you have to state that a goddamn business needs to make money and that they actually promised to pay the ax I don't understand those point and just okay first of all you're saying that a to drink minimum is the equivalent of every

other company's hidden charges there's nothing hidden about the to drink minimum it's written on the fucking ticket it's on a sign inside the club as you're walking in it's announced before the show everything to drink minimum they actually have called comedy shows on TV to drink to drink minimum they used to be a show called to drink minimum you know what I mean it's like you saying that there's some sort of hidden thing that a fire engine is red you go into a club there's a to drink minimum all right what I think is really going on here is you you don't understand the business of running a

comedy club all right the it's what I don't understand why you're saying why don't you why don't you people that don't drink have a real issue everybody drinks sir everybody drinks all right you don't drink you don't drink at all you don't drink water you don't drink soda you don't drink at all you don't have to buy a drink that has alcohol in it but you have to buy a drink all right and you're getting mad at the wrong fucking people you're getting mad at the club because they're forcing you to buy drinks why do you think that is why do you think because the club owner is greedy the reason why they force you to buy

drinks is because of the amount of fucking tight wads that show up to clubs and go can I have a water two straws please that's the problem all right see back in the day there probably wasn't a to drink minimum because back in the day the artist used to get unbelievably fucked by the promoter believe it or not back in the day this is like before free agency in sports back in the day believe it or not when a band a comedian any sort of entertainer went to a venue to perform the promoter got 80% of the door and the artist got 20% all right but because of the brilliance and the balls of Peter Grant with Led Zeppelin as far

as I know I'm giving him credit he's the first guy I read that finally went up to the promoter and said listen mate they ain't coming here to look at the fucking building all right you silly cunt they're coming here to see fucking Led Zeppelin I know it's a brutal brutal British accent but he was a guy going listen nobody gives a fuck about your building I could stick these guys in any fucking building out here they're gonna sell out because they're coming to see the band so he was the guy who said listen we get 80% you get fucking 20% all right so the promoter has to make his fucking money and he makes money by selling

food and drinks all right that's how it is but the problem is his people will go in there and they won't fucking buy drinks or they won't buy food they'll go in there and they will sit there and they will sip on a fucking water that's why there is a to drink minimum which is advertised on the fucking ticket it is advertised they have it on a sign before even fucking walk in there you call up the comedy club they say there is a to drink minimum this show is 21 and older with the to drink minimum I've heard that maybe 40 million times in my comedy career there is no sort of false advertising going on here sir all right

that is why they have to make money dude do you know much money it costs to run a fucking club do you know much money it costs to get a liquor license the amount of people you have to grease the amount of taxes you have to pay the amount you have to pay and fucking rent all of that bullshit you know what you don't I know a guy who opened up a fucking theater and there was these union guys all right and to change the sign he had to hire two union guys one guy to go up the ladder one guy to hold the fucking ladder and a cop to stand there and make sure everything was fine it was costing him like 1500 bucks to put up and this week

come down and check out Bob Saget or wherever the fuck was there so he had to sit there in lobby with politicians and lobby with all these fucking people and try to go around unions and all this fucking horseshit just so he get a sign out front that he could change electronically from inside the building you want to stand that fifth 1500 bucks a week times 52 weeks a year that's just if you just change it once forget about this guy the way he had it running he had a musical act and a comedy act and then a musical act every fucking week so it's three times a week that's what three thousand forty five hundred bucks

that's like what 250 fucking grand a year to get a guy to change letters on a fucking sign okay it costs money to run a goddamn business all right I don't know what else to tell you but you getting mad at clubs for having to drink minimums it's it's you know it's not the club it's not the club it's all it's the tight fuck sitting next to you it was gonna bring cheese it's in and a little butter knife to spread his cheese on and all that shit you know I don't fucking stay home I don't know what to tell you I don't know what to tell you what else oh what other backlash like I got backlash this week on the the fuck was it

is it racist I went back and forth with this fucking guy which was hilarious this guy was he wrote that guy last week who wrote the thing where he said Bill older Asian is racist as shit I'm sorry but it is so I wrote him back where I was like well dude you kind of have to elaborate on your point and number two why are you apologizing that's kind of a pet peeve of mine I hate when someone disagrees with you and then they apologize I'm sorry but you're wrong it's like dude you're not you're not sorry why are you saying you're sorry what are you sorry about you're not fucking sorry stop saying you're sorry so this

guy goes on and on and on and he proceeds to basically say that I was playing on Asian stereotypes and that's and I preconceived notions about Asians and all this type of shit you know and I don't give a fuck if you are just joking that is racist I don't give a fuck how you meant it it's fucking race all that psycho shit and then he proceeds to prove his point by then hitting me I don't know what he the rest of his fucking email he was trying to give me examples that my preconceived notions my alleged preconceived notions about Asians was fucked up as he then dumps of all his preconceived notions about white

people he goes really are the Asians the only bad drivers what about all those rich white kids denting their dad's Mercedes on the regular fucking hilarious you know and then I just asked him to name who those rich white kids were because you know I hung out with a lot of white kids growing up all white kids and none of their our dads had fucking who are these rich white kids sir where did you meet these rich white kids were you and your younger brother with the fucking kidney disease adopted by a rich white man is that how you ran into all these rich white kids you're fucking generalizing you're doing the

exact same horseshit so but it ended up being a great debate and this is this is what I've come to realize about jokes when it comes to race I think I could be wrong here but I think they three there's three categories when you do it when you joke in a racial way and it can either a be straight up funny be be offensive or see be racist and at all and there's a bunch of variables that play into it it plays in to the intent of the person if your intent is not to be fucking racist what you said I believe is not racist what it is at that point is offensive you made a joke you thought it was going to be funny but

people took it a different way they didn't find it funny they're saying it's racist you know I was just fucking around and it's like well at that then it becomes offensive I think all right and then it also comes down to your relationship because if you know you're fucking white and somebody else is black or whatever and your friends the level of being offended gets pushed way down the goddamn street you know to the point sometimes if other people are listening they can't believe what the fuck the two of you are saying to each other but I still maintain it comes down to intent now that older agent and the social

situation older Asian I'm just fucking around it's a joke it's not racist because I don't have any fucking bad feelings about Asians it's just something it's a funny fucking game I came up with driving in traffic after I saw a pattern I kept getting cut off and it just seemed that 80% of the fucking time it was either some old dude or some Asian dude so as a joke I started playing that game with my girl what do you want older Asian what do you got put your money on the table just fucking around now obviously if I'm doing that outside of the car I'm gonna fucking offend I'm gonna offend somebody but it's still not

racist because I don't mean it that way you know I know a lot of people gonna fucking disagree with that but I truly you can't tell me what the fuck I mean I know what I'm thinking you know is that fucking me I don't know I don't fucking know but and the same thing is that that older Asian thing Barack Obama couldn't be in the middle doing the state of the Union go we're gonna get turned as a country around we're gonna do this and do that you know what you know what I like to play in the back whenever my limo gets cut off I play this game called older Asian you know that's even that if he's just fucking around I don't think

that's racist it's incredibly irresponsible and would be taken that way and at the very least it would be unbelievably fucking offensive but I that's what I think you guys tell me what you think I think if you just fucking around if you don't mean it in a malicious way it's it's not racist you can be ignorant you can offend fucking people and that type of stuff but you know I really don't think that me playing a game called older Asian is is racist like some fucking guy in the clan going we need to get these people out of the country they're beasts and that type of shit all right and I know what you're

gonna say well that's what you're doing is a lighter form now no I'm not no I'm not you're an oversensitive fucking cunt all right and you're so far to the fucking left you're actually doing like this McCarthyism bleeding heart horseshit go fuck yourself lighten the fuck up okay like when I see a black comic or somebody giving me shit that white people can't dunk a basketball or they can't fucking dance you know depending on how they say it if they say it in a mean enough way I could get offended I maybe could get offended but first of all my honesty gonna sit there and act like generally speaking white dudes can

fucking dance white people in general that would dunk in a basketball how many six foot eleven fucking guys have I seen two and a half step and they just fucking dislocate their shoulder hitting the ball in the front of the fucking rim you know I think you know I think a lot of people they don't have a they don't have a fucking sense of humor either so I don't know I think that guy last week the Tony Gwynne game that's fucking hilarious that game that other guy played where he sits there saying you know turns his back to the news and he hears the crime and he tries to guess the race is fucking hilarious this guy

had three heads in his refrigerator crazy ass white guy crazy ass cracker or whatever like that's it's funny am I saying anything funny this week I feel like I've just been ranting for the past 20 fucking minutes all right let's let's plow ahead here oh some advice all right advice Bill I've heard you mentioned a few times that when you dedicated yourself to following your dream you set as a comedian you sacrificed everything to throw yourself completely into comedy then you usually say that on some level it was easier for you to put everything on the line because you were young it didn't have a

lot to risk I'm 37 years old oh geez with a wife and two young boys who are ages four and six a year ago I decided that I wanted to be a comedian I've been doing open mics consistently for a year and I feel like I have real potential I know it takes a lot of time to get good my problem is I can't pay this month's rent I'm scared to get a better full-time job because it will take mr. away it'll take me away from my dream little typo there when you are older and have responsibilities like kids and a wife how do you justify taking risks to go for your dream all right dude all right this is a rough one for me to give you

advice on because I had never I've never been in that situation and also I never want to talk somebody out of of doing what you want to do you should definitely keep doing stand-up if that's what your heart's telling you to do but as a man you cannot have a wife and kids and not be able to pay the rent all right you need to get a better full-time job and you just need to fucking work harder and be more efficient when you go out to the club if you've been hanging out a little bit don't hang out at all and you know it's what you're trying to do is not impossible but I will tell you this you can't look who's kidding who all

right the number one job of a man is to fucking provide you have to provide for your family if you're not you know I you know I I don't want to say this but a lot of the you women look at you like you're fucking useless all right that's like them without a fucking vagina and I hate to reduce them as sex objects but that's just how we view you fucking with you but seriously all right you have to provide okay this is the thing I think you know if your wife is cool she will understand that you want to make this transition but you have to make it as smooth as possible you can't be in a situation where you're where you can't

pay the fucking rent all right so I would get a better day job if you had to at this time so you can pay the fucking rent and then you can burn it at both ends and do you stand up at night or whatever right and then eventually when you start getting paid gigs with that then you can start to phase out the fucking day job all right but if I was you I would sit down and have a heart to heart with your wife so she gets where your head's at you know and just tell her look I really want to do this but I understand my job as a man is I have to provide so I this won't happen again yeah you know you gotta have you

gotta you gotta pay the fucking bills you know you gotta pay the fucking bills it's just it's your job as a guy it really is I don't give a fuck about all this equal rights and fucking independent women put your fucking titties in the air or whatever however the fuck that goddamn song goes all right providing is our job that's our fucking job we have to you have to do it wait you have to fucking do it you know what are you fucking Steadman you know I guess that's okay if you if you're your your chick is Oprah speaking of what you ever seen some of Oprah's houses I became fascinated with that when I did that red

bank you know I was just looking at those fucking houses the level of wealth and I just started typing in Bill Gates house Oprah's house and just like the most the richest people I could fucking think of like Jesus Christ Jesus Christ Eminem's house looked up his for some reason they're unbelievable please first of all they always like in them like surrounding them is always like a forest like they don't even have they're so rich they don't even have neighbors some of them some of them they live you know crowded areas like Miami Beach but some of these fucking people like Eminem's house look like a like I don't know how

to describe it it looked like a house like a look like an optical illusion like it was a house and then you give a see like in a movie like where Elvis and a guy just gets a hunchback that's what his house looked like it was a house and then boom there's another part of the house and then then another house was like he just took like these 20 fucking houses and just stuck them all together that'd be a great house to have if you were wanted by the law you know what I mean you could literally hide out in your own fucking house taking by at least another two and a half weeks of freedom by the time they

fucking found you you know I don't know I don't know what the hell I'm saying so anyways do that that's that's a real tough situation I hope you work out don't give up on your dream but you know your wife is gonna be way more supportive if if you're if you're paying the goddamn but you got to pay the bills got to pay the bills all right here we go next one hey Bill I asked for advice a couple months ago about a friend of mine this was another brutal one but a friend of mine whose girlfriend was having a kid and I was suspicious about whether or not it was his because he had gone and gotten checked twice to see if he could

have kids and the doctor said no oh I remember this guy remember that one the doctor said this guy he got checked twice they said he couldn't have kids and all of a sudden his girl was pregnant and there was questions about her being faithful I remember this I remember this well this is the update of this he said well about five months into the pregnancy she miscarried so the problem kind of solved itself but it was a terrible thing to happen now they are living together and I'm still pretty positive she was cheating on him and he's hanging on to the relationship now through some sort of guilt because of

the lost child it just feels like my friend got one pulled over on him and I really want to talk to him about it but I can't find a good way to do it your podcast rules and I hope you come to Edmonton sometime a comic strip right the comic strip in Edmonton I'll make my way up there at some point do that is a brutal brutal brutal brutal situation and it all depends on how you feel are you gonna be able to live with yourself if you just say listen this kid is just a moron he's my friend but he's a fucking moron because that is an option you know the goodfellas moment you know when he they tell that joke in Italian and

De Niro says what does it mean and then Pesci goes it means he's he's content to be a jerk you know what am I gonna say my wife two times me that joke basically about a guy who knows his wife's fucking around on him and he just doesn't he just looks the other way he's content to be a jerk so that's what your friend is right now I know this emotions involved so there's there is hope for him but you know he's he's fucking himself over so this is deal if you can live with yourself and just say this guy's content to be a jerk I'm not gonna get in the fucking middle of this because there's so many obvious red flags here and this

kid is just choosing to they ignore them you could just say fuck it he's content to be a fucking idiot but if you're not gonna be able to live with yourself then I would just sit down and talk to him all right and hopefully listens to you and if not and he stops being your friend there's nothing you can fucking do about that and I got a feeling probably seven or eight years from now you might get a phone call of him saying you know what you were right but those are impossible situations Jesus Christ how the fuck would I handle that I would I would say something you know what I would I would definitely say

something but I don't know how to do that to be honest with you I don't fuck what I say I say listen you know I'm friends with you we've been friends a long time that's what that's when your buddy knows something fucked up is coming listen we've been friends a long time right had a lot of good times right you know you know you know that I've always been there for you and I never try to steer you're wrong right like I think your girlfriend is a two-time yeah how do you say that I would just rip the band-aid off just say listen there's something I have to talk to you about we're friends and as a friend all

right I can't stop thinking about this and it would kill me to not bring this up to you I have to do this I'm not trying to be malicious I'm doing this because you're my friend and then I would just say look Jesus I just had it and I already forgot how fucking difficult this is I would just be this fucking ridiculous look you told me you couldn't have kids you went to the doctor twice you got tested they said you couldn't have kids yet this girl somehow got fucking pregnant don't say fuck there yet your your girl somehow got pregnant okay then you just sort of stare at them I don't know where

to go from there all right my guts telling me that that wasn't your fucking kid see that's a hard one too that one that kid you just fucking cried over that didn't get born I don't think it was yours anyways ah Jesus dude this is fucking brutal brutal I would do this is what I would do I would do what I'm doing right now into a mirror and just keep correcting it as you go the same way I said okay don't say fuck there and then you back it up again and just somehow figure a while away to say that I think your girlfriend is a whore I don't think that she's being I don't think you're I don't think the woman

that you're with has been a 100% honest with you and I don't think that she has been a hundred percent faithful and my gut was is telling me that that wasn't your kid see that's brutal taking it to there all right I think you need to get out of this relationship I mean I don't do it I don't know how to do it I don't know how to fuck yeah you stump me you stumped the shawami I you know not like I know everything obviously but I usually can come up with some sort of angle I don't want to fuck to tell you but for whatever you do don't write it down don't put it in a letter because he'll probably show it to her and then then

I then I'll just be brutal the fuck that don't don't do that just yeah that's a yeah I don't want to tell you dude that's a fucking brutal one Jesus does it work you just say it listen man you're best we're best friends right we can say anything to each other yeah I think your girlfriend fuck somebody else without a condom and got pregnant and said it was yours and it's such a fucking psycho cunt that she was about ready to let you take on the responsibility and invest that sort of time your life she was content to throw away your fucking life because she can't keep her fucking legs on the ground and her panties up

around her fucking waist do you understand me she's a fucking whore all right you went to two fucking doctors and they said you can't get pregnant dude how dumb are you get your fucking head out of her fucking vagina wake up it's not your kid all right that was God God gave you a fucking mulligan he gave you a pass all right there you go you want to get oh geez you want to get fucking religious about it get out of the god damn relationship stop being such a fucking pussy leave her try about it for fucking six weeks whatever you got to do go join a fucking gym and get on with

your fucking life and start wearing a condom all right now I know that team that we saw in the first half it's not the fucking team that I know we got another 30 minutes of fucking football and I want you to get out there and prove to me that you could play like other way I know you could play that's what you do you go there we go took me a minute to work it out you go fucking Vince Lombardi grab grab grab nobody tackling she's a fucking whore you got to go like that you got to build up you got to start slow you got to start slow all my years of looking at relationships I don't think I have ever in my life

seen a woman so pull the fucking wool of pubes over somebody's fucking eyes like I did and that first half you know what I saw out there I saw bullshit just some I don't know what I do it I'm out I don't know what to tell you I don't know what to tell you tell that fucking kid he needs to make some halftime adjustments all right pull the ripcord get the fuck out of that jeez I see these these these are the things they don't they don't they don't talk about these kinds of women on on those real shows they'll show women like that on Jerry Springer and everyone looks like a retard so nobody gives a fuck right but

they won't show those kinds of women on those those real sort of issue shows when they're just always talking about guys who beat their women which they're horrible fucking people and they should talk about them but why don't they ever talk about horse you know the only time they talk about horse is just when they try to figure out why they're a whore you know dad didn't stick around fucking uncle diddle them or you know whatever they always got a fucking reason they always got a goddamn excuse you know maybe they're just horse you ever think of that is there any women out there is a woman out there I want I want to know

this okay this is totally anonymous and I'm not judging you because I'm a male whore myself all right I want to know this to have is there a woman out there where dad stuck around you had a great family you weren't touched in any funny way you went to school you know you were girl scout you did all the right things but you just love dick and not only do you love dick you love a bunch of different dicks and you are in a relationship but every once in a while you just got to go out and go bang somebody else because you're fucking bored basically are you wired like a man that's what I want to know okay and you

can be totally honest let's examine let's examine that because I don't even think it's fair to just brand them all horse I don't I think some of them are actually really intelligent and they've actually sat and contemplated it you know or you know done what I've done is justify their piece of shit moves you know something this is the time when I really should just have a guest I don't have a guest I gotta have more guests on this fucking podcast what do you what do you want for me all right you guys want some YouTube videos for this week have you slumped over in your cubicles left yet have you done that with

five minutes left in your fucking day all right YouTube videos for the week the truth about Facebook privacy I actually haven't had chance to watch this yet this was suggested to me by somebody close to me so I just put that on there here's a go in fireworks fail this guy shoots off one that should it should have gone on after the fucking Boston pops and he basically shoots it off in his own neighborhood and for some reason it goes off about oh I don't know about maybe 30 35 feet in the air bunch of houses around here's another good one angry skateboarder here's a hockey one blonde Jagger is in Yaramir Jagger and band

called mute math great musicians great album albums and they have a fucking insane drummer oh speaking of which people speaking of which I've been taking my drumming to a new level to a brand new fucking for me for me I still suck but after plateauing I I just sort of I got fucking ADD right as you can tell from my podcast if you notice that I start to make a point and something else reminds me of something else and then I just maybe I'll drive over to the left for a while you know I can't sit still I can't focus unless unless something really fucked up is happening that's the only thing something really fucked up

has to be happening before you will get 100% of my attention you know I don't know why but that's how it is so with my playing drums I'm the same way I'm always learning trying to learn five different things at the same fucking time you know I'll do this for like three minutes and I'll do this for three minutes I'll do this for two minutes and then and then I'll fuck you know and then I have three new things that I'm trying to learn and rather than just learning one and getting it down I don't and it's something I've known for a while I watched this guy Mike Johnston who has these great lessons and he had

this he basically mapped out on how to practice he'd show you something and it was it was pattern you get the pattern down and then you bring it up to speed and then you'd move it all around the kit so it's just pattern speed movement ABC 1 2 3 couldn't got any more basic but my fucking ADD I couldn't fucking do it so I finally decided I was fucking sick I was sick of this shit so I just decided to focus on a couple of things and one of them was that Jojo Mayer fucking thing with your bass drum foot it's something I saw Steve Gad do a lot this is really for drum heads here Steve Gad do on his up close video a

long time ago and I sat down and I fuck with that thing after borderline messing with it for a year and a half I sat down for like like three days in a row and religiously worked on it and was blown away by how much faster I got my foot as far as being able to do three hits in a row because I was kidding who and he's zapplin fans out there there's two licks three licks that I've been trying to get down okay I finally be able to get the good times bad times 16th no triplets I can do those fucking things up to speed I can play good times bad times but when he does the three in a row like that lick he does on I can't quit you babe when

he does the three in a row there and out on the tiles there's a lick in there where I think I think I'm hearing three and then the wanton song which is a big debate on how to this is so fucking instant I'm really gonna lose a lot of listeners here but there's a big debate on how the fuck he plays that does he play bone that the debt the debt or done that the debt that the debt I think he does three after the snare he and on the two so fucking stew why am I talking about this anyways with that Jojo mayor shit okay they play that at about a hundred one hundred two beats per minute that Jojo mayor things I can play that

lick with the three hits on the bass drum after the snare on two I can play that at 90 beats per minute permit yeah I can play it at that at this point so I'm within fucking striking distance of that after you know fucking with this thing for a year and a half finally just sitting down if drummers out there want any sort of advice I can show you what I did because I'm just really nervous that this is just I mean it's it's already bad enough I have people in Europe listening to me go off on American sports and an Australian shit for me to actually sit here describing drum licks it's pretty fucking pathetic but anyways I think I'm

winding down here I got to make sure I edit this thing and get this thing up on time and I also have to make sure oh my god oh fuck what time is it I got to go 315 I got to be down the fucking place by for fuck all right I got to go thanks listen to the podcast God bless all you don't take any shit go fuck yourself see